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| Gimli/You: the MST | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 11 2008, 02:34 PM (688 Views) | |
| jules14 | Jul 11 2008, 02:34 PM Post #1 |
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Review the story here. Title: Author: Rating: Genre: Text it is based on: Characters: Summary: Warnings: Gimli/You: The MST Disclaimer: Boromir, Morgoth, Uruk-hai, Nazgul, and anything else having to do with Middle-earth all belong to Tolkien and some belong also to New Line Cinema. Boris the Nazgul belongs to Araiona Dubois. Chesterfield the Uruk-hai and Jules belong to me. “MST3K” belongs to Best Brains Inc. This story belongs to benji scum, an author that may be found on fandomination.net. THEME SONG: In the not-too-distant future Next Friday A.D. There lived a girl named Jules Not too different from you or me. She wrote a new fanfic every week, A very happy and contented geek. But Morgoth was feeling bored one day, So he trapped her in the Void, and he sent her far away! JULES: NOOOOOOOOOOO! I’ll send her awful fanfics (ooh ooh!) The worst I can find! (la la la!) She’ll have to sit and read them all And I’ll monitor her mind. Now keep in mind Jules can’t control When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!) She’ll have to keep her sanity With the help of some brand-new friends! DAILY ROLL CALL! BOROMIR! (I’M ALIVE!) BORIS! (SHIRE…BAGGINS!) CHESTERFIELD! (MANFLESSSSSH!) JUUUUUUUULES! (FUCK YOU!) If you’re wondering how they all got there And other useless facts (la la la!) Just keep in mind it’s all a joke You should really just relax— For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000! “BOOORRRRRIIISSS!” In exasperation, Boris, who at the moment was playing Go-Fish with Chesterfield, threw his cards down on the table. Trust Jules to interrupt him when he was winning. If this was what he thought it was, he might not even make it back to win. “Don’t touch these until I get back, you hear?” he hissed at the Uruk-hai sitting across from him. His Black Speech was a little rusty after not being used for too long. Damn Jules’s insistence that they all take English classes. It took a great deal of effort for Chesterfield not to roll his eyes. As if he’d even think of crossing a Nazgul. But he didn’t say anything. “BOOORRRIIISS! GET IN HERE NOW!” As he watched Boris slam the door, Chesterfield couldn’t suppress a shudder. He had a pretty good idea of what was awaiting Jules in the next room. Jules herself was huddling under a table, shivering with fear, clutching the hands of Boromir, who looked as if he wanted to throw up. Both had their eyes fixed on a clear globe, quite similar to a palantir, in which they could see the face of boundless evil and corruption that belonged to Morgoth. The fact that the Dark Lord seemed one minute away from laughing hysterically didn’t diminish his fearsomeness; if anything, it added to it. Boris himself couldn’t help shivering as he looked on the face of their new master. Being forced to read horrible stories would be easy compared to Morgoth’s former, more elaborate forms of torture, but still… “Have you nothing to say?” the Dark Lord boomed. Iluvatar alone knew where HE had learned to speak English. “Your first story is prepared…where is the other?” At the moment, Chesterfield ran into the room, panting. He took one look at the face of Morgoth and fell to his knees, shivering half in awe and half in dread. “Then all of you are here,” the evil ex-Vala said with satisfaction. “Judging from your faces, this…process…may be easier than even I thought. I found a little gem of a fanfic for you: an NC-17-rated PWP that I think you’re going to like.” Jules’s eyes widened in horror, and Chesterfield, who remembered learning in Modern American Customs Class what an NC-17-rated PWP was, looked a little sick. Boromir and Boris looked unfazed; either they didn’t remember what it was or they were unreasonably brave. Now Jules spoke for the first time since calling Boris into the room, and she stuttered, “But…but…it’s our first story, and…uh…” Morgoth chuckled and Boris shuddered; seeing Morgoth in a good mood was even scarier than seeing him in a rage. “No buts, my dear girl. The fic is already on its way, and there is no way you can stop it. Now, get into the theater.” Nobody moved, being frozen in terror and dread. Morgoth spoke one word in an angry, hissing voice: “NOW.” And at the same moment, lights began to flash and chaos reigned. At Jules’s odd scream of, “We’ve got fanfic sign!”, the quartet dashed through six doors into the theater. Gimli/You BOROMIR (in horror): Oh, Eru… BORIS: The doors are locked… JULES: There’s no escape… CHESTERFIELD: We’re trapped… By benji scum BORIS: Hmmm…sounds like the name will be eerily accurate… JULES: Oh, shit; it’s a Good Charlotte fan actually trying to write Tolkien fiction! Not mine not mine!!! BOROMIR: So, Jules, what can we deduce from this statement? JULES: Gee…that this isn’t his?! Not even pretending like it is. CHESTERFIELD: Well, ya could’ve fooled me. Poor, poor Tolkien... JULES: Amen! BORIS: Who’s Tolkien? abusing his work like this JULES: Well, logically, if you had any respect for the man at all, you WOULDN’T abuse his work like this. CHESTERFIELD: Don’t really think logic’s a strong point with these authors. You wake up. JULES: Ooh…exciting! BORIS: The action is almost non-stop! You have no idea where you are. JULES: “I remember having sixteen beers last night…eek! There’s a guy lying naked next to me!” You look around. You see a short, hairy creature bounding towards you JULES: A warthog! CHESTERFIELD: A gorilla! BORIS: The Oompa-Loompa who ate the Hair Toffee! BOROMIR: Peter Jackson! *Laughter* JULES: You win on this one, Boromir. with a tall, beautiful one not far behind. BOROMIR: An elf! JULES (snort): In this case, I don’t think there’s much doubt. ?Who?re you?? The shorter one asks gruffly. CHESTERFIELD: Wonderful; looks like the author’s question mark key works. JULES (groan): Oh, sweet Jesus; these formatting errors are a pain in the ass. You tell him your name BORIS: “Mary Sue. How’re you doing?” and he says he?s never heard such an unusual name. JULES: Probably never heard such a SHORT name, considering the mind-numbingly-long names these Mary Sues always have. ?I am Gimli, son of Glòin.? CHESTERFIELD: “Well, why are you asking ME?” BOROMIR (as Gimli): Well, ever since I hit my head on that rock back in Moria… He introduces himself. ?And this here is Lego? JULES (hillbilly!Gimli): This herre’s Lego! where did he go?? JULES: If he’s smart, off into a hole somewhere. You look around and the tall, beautiful figure has disappeared. BORIS: Into thin air. JULES: Abracadabra! ?Um? what are You?? BOROMIR (as Gimli): Your worst nightmare! Mwahahahahaha! ?Oh, I?m sorry lassie, BORIS: “Didn’t mean to stab my axe into your foot just now…” I?m a dwarf.? ?Oh? What?s he?? JULES: “Oh, great…but what’s the sexy one?!” You point in the general direction of where the illusive Legolas was. CHESTERFIELD: “Illusive”? BORIS: Probably means that he’s quick to disappear but he gives off light. ?Legolas? He?s an elf.? ?I see. JULES: “Yep; I’m here in a place with fantasy creatures, and everything is perfectly normal!” Are there any people here?? ?Humans you mean?? ?Um, yeah. Humans.? ?There?s Aragorn and Boromir. They?re human.? JULES (laughing): I’m sorry, but this is the weirdest exchange of dialogue I’ve ever read in a story about falling into Middle-Earth. “Are there any humans here?” “Well, there’s Aragorn and Boromir...do you need anything from them?” ?Hmm. What are those things?? BORIS (as Gimli): Those are orcs. You might want to run…oh, too late. ?Why they?re hobbits of course.? JULES: Oh, of course. ?Hobbits??? ?Halflings.? BOROMIR: Periain. JULES: Hole-dwellers. BORIS: Little people. CHESTERFIELD: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what you read in the thesaurus when you look under “hobbits”! ?Right,? you elongate. BOROMIR: Yeeeeeouch! JULES: What? BOROMIR: She’s elongating…she’s stretched to the breaking point! ?You can meet them if you like, they won?t bite,? BORIS (as Gimli): Are you SURE they won’t bite? BOROMIR: Well, when Pippin gets unusually hungry… Gimli suggests cheerily. JULES (as Gimli, singing): Sunny day, sweepin’ the clouds away… ?Sure,? you reply nervously. JULES: “Sure…but stop singing the ‘Sesame Street’ theme, okay?” You follow Gimli over to the hobbits. They give you a warm welcome BORIS: Always better than a cold welcome. and the one called Pippin offers you food. CHESTERFIELD (as Pippin): Have some poisoned…er, have some nice, fresh, harmless bread. You take the food cautiously, not sure what it is and not quite trusting. BOROMIR: “Will the food betray me or disagree with me later?” Pippin looks so cheery JULES (as Pippin, singing): Sunny… BORIS: Already used it. JULES: Dammit. and non-threatening ALL: NON-THREATENING?! you don?t want to disappoint him and take a bite. CHESTERFIELD: It’s poisoned, and you die. The end. ?What is it?? BORIS: “Man flesh!” ?Lembas bread!? The other hobbits chime in. BOROMIR: In unison? JULES (snickering): This is the part where they form a kick-line and break into song. ?It?s good!? ?Of course it is- it?s elvish.? JULES (announcer): Remember, folks: if it’s Elvish, it’s GOT to be good! You pause and take in more of your surroundings. CHESTERFIELD: Burp! You seem to be in a sparse forest. The trees are taller then any you?ve seen before. BORIS: Whoopdy-doo. You look back to where you woke up. JULES: You pass out from the sheer excitement in this fic. You woke up in a lush green field which the forest borders on. CHESTERFIELD: And found yourself lying in a pile of cow manure. You look at Legolas -who has returned- longingly JULES (groan): Not again! Just WHAT is so fuckin’ great about Legolas?! BOROMIR (patting her shoulder): I know, I know. but he looks away hastily. JULES: Oh. Phew. BOROMIR: See? It’s not what you think. Gimli takes you aside, BORIS (as Gimli): Psssst…I REALLY need to borrow some money; the IRS found out I didn’t pay last month. ?Don?t mind him, he only goes for the really pretty ones.? *Jules whistles* CHESTERFIELD: Burn, baby, burn! You scoff, not sure if Gimli?s comment is intended as an insult or not. BOROMIR (Bilbo Baggins): “I know half of you less than I would like, and I like you not half as well as you deserve!” He interrupts your musings with JULES (announcer): An update from the National Weather Service! ?He wouldn?t have a bar of me?? with a wink. CHESTERFIELD: I want a bar of him! A nice, Gimli-flavored chocolate bar! (drools) *Everyone shakes their heads* You are slightly disgusted and give him BORIS: A punch in the nose. an odd look as he trails off with ?I?m just the right height too?? *Laughter* BOROMIR: I don’t want to make any short jokes, but it’s definitely tempting. ?He?s so beautiful,? you say JULES (singing): No matter what… *Boris covers her mouth* BORIS: No. Please, for the love of Sauron, no. ?Aye? and Gimli nods. There?s no bitterness; only a distant longing. *All hum “My Heart Will Go On”* ?You?re a pretty lass, you know.? CHESTERFIELD: Yeah…uh…like, you know? ?Apparently not pretty enough,? you retort. JULES (as Gimli, Donkey from “Shrek”): Ya cut me deep. Ya cut me real deep just now. ?Ah, that doesn?t matter to me,? Gimli says with a smile. BOROMIR (as Gimli): Trust me; when your species has hardly any females, you take what you can get. Perhaps it is the way the light is shining but you notice JULES: A gigantic, ugly wart on his nose. a real, endearing warmth in his face. JULES (shrug): Same diff. ?So how did you get here?? Gimli asks you. JULES: “Through the magic wardrobe.” CHESTERFIELD: “Through the nearest plot hole.” ?I have no idea. I just woke up here,? you reply flatly. *Everyone makes sounds like they’ve been stepped on* ?I?m glad you?re here,? Gimli winks. BORIS: Wow, Gimli sure winks a lot in this thing. CHESTERFIELD: Must be having contact lens trouble. Gimli takes hold of your hand and BORIS: Rips it off! JULES: Obscure. BORIS: Thanks! strokes it with his stubby, dirty fingers. JULES: Oh, that’s enticing. BOROMIR: Urgh. You feel a jolt of electricity in your stomach JULES: KA-ZAP! CHESTERFIELD: “Damn; should never have eaten that spark plug.” and can?t quite put your finger on why. JULES (Princeton from “Avenue Q”): You can’t put your finger there! Ooh! PUT YOUR FINGER THERE! He says he?ll show you a tree and you follow him towards it. BORIS: “Gee, thanks! I haven’t been able to find a bathroom out here!” You stand under the tree and BOROMIR: Get attacked by rabid squirrels. The end. gaze up at the vast canopy above. CHESTERFIELD: “WHERE are those squirrels that attacked me?” You feel a large hand on your behind. JULES: More commonly known as ASS. You jump and turn around. BORIS: And there’s Michael Jackson standing there grinning. Gimli smoothly pushes you against the tree BOROMIR: But he doesn’t ROUGHLY push you against the tree. CHESTERFIELD: Or BUMPILY push you against the tree. and reaches up to fondle your breasts. BORIS (as Gimli, reaching): Oof…could somebody bring me a step-stool? You giggle because his hands are so large and can cover so much space. CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah, that's hilarious. He dips a stubby finger into the waist of your pants, JULES: Make it a double-dip! but his finger is so wide, the button on your pants goes flying off. BORIS: And hits him in the eye, causing him to leave you alone. You giggle and tangle your fingers in Gimli?s hair. BOROMIR: Ripping it out in large handfuls. He laughs gruffly back JULES (as Gimli): Huh, huh, huh, hng, huh-huh. and his voice is animalistic CHESTERFIELD (as Gimli): Grunt…me beastie, me do that thing. and you feel yourself become aroused. JULES: “Argh! Stop! I’m awake!” BOROMIR: Pray to Eru this is actually what it means. He unzips your pants and slides a finger into your underwear BOROMIR (groan): And then again… BORIS: Oh, come on; should’ve seen it coming from the very beginning. and he comments on how exquisite the lace is, JULES: Gimli as a…connoisseur of lingerie? BORIS: Who’da thunk it? how the careful embroidery almost looks elvish. JULES: It’s ELVISH, with a capital “E”…aw, what the hell! *Much laughter* The giggling is gone and you know it?s serious CHESTERFIELD: Unfortunately… when he slides his finger around the outside of your labia teasingly. BORIS: TEASINGLY? JULES: I think it’s about time for the author to make friends with Mr. Dictionary. You moan and try to force yourself JULES: Not to throw up. upon his finger. BORIS: IMPALE HER!!! A sudden urge overtakes you JULES (singing): I’ve got the urge…it’s so natural… and all you can think about is Gimli and how good this feels. JULES (singing): I feel good…I knew that I would… Gimli realises this and grins. BORIS (as Gimli): Duuuuuuuude…I’m gonna SCORE! He lines his finger up CHESTERFIELD (baseball announcer): Starting batter in the lineup today is Gimli’s finger! and slides in slowly, carefully. JULES (singing): I’ll teach you the electric sliiiiiiiiddddde… His finger slides in easily because you?re so aroused and so slick and so, so wet. BORIS: About as wet as something…really, really, REALLY wet… Gimli?s finger is so large and stubbly CHESTERFIELD: About as large and stubbly as something…really, really, REALLY large and stubbly… BOROMIR: Like a tree branch? CHESTERFIELD (scowl): Oh, thanks. and is well over five times as thick as your own. JULES: Really? I thought it was SIX times as thick! CHESTERFIELD: I thought it was FOUR times as thick! BOROMIR: Thank Eru the girl actually had the presence of mind to measure it! He slides it in and out again slowly. JULES (singing): You put your finger in, you put your finger out, you put your finger in, and you shake it all about… Too slowly. ALL: Say what? You sit up and start to impale yourself on his finger. ALL: Blood, blood, blood! You stop and BOROMIR: FINALLY come to your senses… think about the size of his cock, CHESTERFIELD: “If its length is eight inches and its radius is four inches, then that must mean the diameter is eight inches, and the circumference measures…” BOROMIR: Shut up, Chesterfield. I’m getting some unpleasant pictures in my head. if just one finger is definitely larger then the average human penis. *Silence* JULES: Wh-wh-what?! BOROMIR: She didn’t say that… You wonder if you would be able to take such girth. JULES: Oh, OUCH. BORIS: Sorry, but no. Just no. You shudder at the thought BOROMIR: As you should! (gag) although you don?t know if out of fear or anticipation. JULES: Well, call it “fanticipation”. Gimli reaches his other hand up and starts to caress your left nipple. BORIS: Ripping it right off your body. You moan and throw your head back. JULES: DON’T say anything. CHESTERFIELD: Awwwwww… Gimli takes his hand out of you and brings it up to play with your other nipple. JULES: Chess! CHESTERFIELD: Tag! BORIS: Hide-and-seek! BOROMIR: Duck-duck-goose! Your own lubrication heightens the sensitivity of your nipple BORIS: Er…does not compute… and Gimli continues to fondle. JULES: God forbid that he STOP or anything… Gimli leans down and runs his tongue along your nipple. CHESTERFIELD (as Gimli): Tastes like chicken! ?You taste amazing,? he says. BORIS: “Like…chocolate ice cream with raspberry syrup and whipped cream!” JULES: Geez; are you going mad from this story already, Boris? You look down and shudder at the filthiness of the whole situation; ALL: About time! it?s amazing. JULES: Bingo. BOROMIR: Although not in the same way I would use the word. His beard tickles around your breast JULES: Oh, man, that’s gotta itch… and you see your own arousal smearing into it. CHESTERFIELD: Um… BOROMIR: We’ll leave that one alone, shall we? Gimli continues, but takes his finger away and CHESTERFIELD: Hides it in the hollow of a tree. runs it up your thigh, and slides in again. JULES (singing): I’ll teach you…fuck! He quickens his movements JULES: Vrrrrrroooooooom! and you start to feel a tingling in your stomach. CHESTERFIELD: That spark plug is back! JULES: Sizzle, spark, fizz, whirr… You start to shake and push down, BORIS: “Ohhhh…my baby’s coming!” leaning on Gimli entirely. CHESTERFIELD (as Gimli): Argh! Get off me, you big fat-arse! You throw yourself on Gimli?s finger JULES: Promptly breaking it in two. and lean down as much as you can. ALL: UNNNNNNGGGGHHHH! You scream as you orgasm and Gimli can feel you pulsate rhythmically around his finger. JULES (singing): I got rhythm…I got music… When you finish shaking, Gimli lays you down softly, BOROMIR: Wait, if he’s a dwarf and you’re a human, how could he lift…I’m thinking too much, am I not? JULES: Yep. but doesn?t remove his finger. CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yippee; that makes me feel so much better. At length he slowly draws it out BORIS: With a crayon. and starts to rub it against your clit in small circles. JULES (as Gimli): Wax on, wax off; wax on, wax off… It?s so intense after one of the most amazing orgasms you?ve ever experienced CHESTERFIELD: I’d say AMAZINGLY BAD. JULES: I’m starting to feel sorry for this character; she must be desperate as all hell. but you?re loving every second of it. *Silence* You?ve only ever had nimble digits play with you before JULES: Yeah, like numbers one, eleven, twenty-one, one hundred… BOROMIR: I don’t think that’s what he means by “nimble digits”, Jules. and his fingers are so blunt, it?s a whole new kind of pleasure. JULES (singing): A whole new wooooorrrrllldd… CHESTERFIELD: Poke, bump…sorry, blunt fingers being pleasurable does NOT cross my mind. You can feel the rough calluses on your delicate flesh BOROMIR (frowning): Isn’t that an oxymoron? JULES: I think just plain “moron” will do in this case. and are shocked that you?d never felt pleasure like this before. BORIS: Argh! Stop saying pleasure! There ARE other words you can use, like “ecstasy”, “passion”, “glee”…get a thesaurus! It?s so amazing you never want it to stop, BOROMIR: And stop saying amazing! Good Eru! There are PLENTY of other words for that as well! but it?s too intense and you pull Gimli?s hand away. ?Gimli, no.? JULES (rubbing eyes): I’m not even gonna TRY to read that; those formatting errors are making my eyes bleed. ?You didn?t like it?? BOROMIR: “Great Eru, NO!!!” ?Of course I liked, Gimli, BORIS: “Me liked, Gimli. You like? Me talkie English good?” but it?s too much.? ALL: FINALLY! CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! ?Oh, I see,? he nods. ?I?ve got just the thing for that.? BOROMIR: Oh, dear Iluvatar, no. BORIS: Should we duck under our seats? CHESTERFIELD: Hold on; maybe it won’t be as bad as we think… JULES: Are the formatting errors gone yet? Gimli gently takes his hand away and rubs your thighs lovingly, CHESTERFIELD (as Gimli): Good thighs! We wuvvle you so much, yes we do… giving you time to relax. JULES (as Gimli, yoga instructor): Take some deeeeeeep breaths…now lower yourself into lotus position…good, good… He places one kiss on each of your knees BORIS (as Gimli): One for you and one for you. and soft kisses randomly on your thighs. CHESTERFIELD: Here, there, and everywhere. You can feel his bristly beard tickle your inner thigh BOROMIR (wince): That’s another description we could have done without. JULES (scratching): I’m getting hives just thinking of it. as he crawls his way up it. JULES (sickened): Like…cockroaches? CHESTERFIELD: Whoa…my skin started crawling just reading that. You?re amazed at how tender he can be. BORIS (restaurant ad): Try our new tender, flaky white fish fillet! He starts to lick trails up your thighs *Everyone makes disgusting slurping noises* and you can feel the cool breeze blowing delicately. JULES: Whoosh! You shudder as Gimli gets closer. CHESTERFIELD: “I’m trapped…there’s nowhere to run! HELP!” Gimli licks one long line along your lips BORIS: Isn’t there a song riff in there somewhere? JULES: Um…can’t think of any… which extends right up to your clit. JULES (wince): Oh, GOD, how I hate these words. He takes it between his lips and sucks lightly. *Everyone makes unpleasant sucking and smacking sounds* There was a point where you felt insecure about your hair down there. BOROMIR: You worried constantly that it was going to fall out. Although, as you look down at Gimli?s beard, it cascades over your legs *Everyone cringes and scratches his or herself* and almost down to the ground you forget any insecure thoughts you had about yourself. BOROMIR: “Oh, never mind; Gimli can just glue my hair down so it’ll NEVER come off.” You pause and think about how hairy dwarf women must be. BORIS: WHY in the name of Sauron would you want to do that? CHESTERFIELD: To torture yourself mentally, I guess. If Gimli were doing this to a dwarf you?re sure their hair would get entangled and form knots. CHESTERFIELD: Um…no; just…no. JULES: Pass me a barf bag, will ya? You smell a putrid odour. BOROMIR: “Gimli…you…laid me down in a pile of skunk shit.” You come out of your haze of arousal JULES (singing): I can see clearly now the rain is gone… and realise it?s emanating from Gimli?s beard. JULES (retch): Could do without that description…please… BOROMIR: “Gimli, you dragged your beard through a pile of skunk shit.” There are particles of food decomposing *Jules starts retching and gagging, while Boromir turns green. Boris and Chesterfield look sick.* CHESTERFIELD: That wasn’t nice either. and the aroma is wafting up to your nose. *Everyone simultaneously throws up.* You?re shocked you didn?t notice this before. JULES (wiping her mouth): So…does that mean you’re finally coming to your senses? BOROMIR (gagging): I wouldn’t count on it. But you forget everything as BORIS: You wake up and find out that it was just a nightmare. the entirety of Gimli?s tongue slides completely inside you. JULES: Oh my God; hurk. CHESTERFIELD: The entirety? Wouldn’t he end up choking? You?ve never felt so filled before. BORIS: “Man, I’m STUFFED!” You can feel the length of his tongue as he licks up inside you. BOROMIR: Heh; Gimli’s an anteater in this. He draws his tongue out CHESTERFIELD: Shonk! and licks each one of your lips in turn. BOROMIR (as Gimli): There, just lick this lip first…you wait your turn, Lip Number Two… He circles his tongue around your clit; JULES: Oh, for God’s sake! BORIS: Two words for you, Jules: “love button.” JULES (scowl): Thank you for that thought, Boris. BORIS: Just putting it in perspective. he has a surprising amount of control over his tongue. *Silence* ALL: What the…?! He licks oh so lightly and you?re amazed that you actually buck up; JULES: Yeeeeeee-haw! Ride ‘em, cowboy! wanting more. You shudder and sense the familiar feeling of your orgasm build. CHESTERFIELD: Thar she blows! *Everyone else makes rumbling noises* You scream out and you can feel Gimli smiling. BOROMIR: Feel…smiling? BORIS: You’re thinking too much again. You shudder under him; the second time is just as intense as the first. JULES (snort): Oh, surprise, surprise. You?re so grateful for the pleasure that Gimli brought you BORIS: She IS desperate. that when you calm down you almost rip his pants off- CHESTERFIELD: “THANK YOU!” (ripping off Gimli’s pants) this would be very hard to do, considering they are very tough. JULES: They’re made of hard, durable plastic. Gimli helps you and peels off his pants. BOROMIR: Like a banana! You note that he?s not wearing any form of underwear *Silence, then laughter* and assume this is regular practice for dwarves. JULES: Yeah, I’d say it’s regular practice also for elves and hobbits and orcs and ANY OTHER GODDAMN CREATURE IN MIDDLE-EARTH! CHESTERFIELD: Oh, wow; I almost forgot this fic took place in Middle-earth. Although, it turns out Gimli isn?t quite as fat as you anticipated him to be. JULES: He was just the size of a skinny walrus as opposed to a fat walrus. BORIS: That diet he’d gone on was definitely paying off. It was his hair filling out his pants, BOROMIR: Oh, no… JULES: Barf bags on the ready! all around, from the front to the back JULES (singing): To the left…to the left…to the right…to the right… it forms a layer that requires him to wear pants a size larger then he should. *Silence* BOROMIR (gulp): That is SOME pubic hair there… JULES: Horrible images! Get out, get out! You also can?t locate Gimli?s cock. CHESTERFIELD (customer to receptionist): Excuse me? Could you direct me to Gimli’s penis, please? ?Um, Gimli?? You ask unsurely. BORIS: “I think I just made up a new word!” JULES: What’s “unsurely”? BORIS: Exactly! ?Yes, lassie?? ?Where? is it?? JULES: “I…believe…you…Harry…Potter!” ?Oh down there somewhere, lassie. BOROMIR: “You know, down somewhere in that general area; that’s all I know about it.” You?ll find it.? JULES: “There’s a map on the ground floor.” ?Gimli, I love you, I cannot bear to watch you whore yourself out any longer!? Legolas proclaims and wanders out from behind a bush. JULES: Oh, sweet Christ, no. CHESTERFIELD: Hurk. BORIS: How much more of this IS there?! ?What?!? You ask. ?You watched us?? CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): No; I was watching paint dry, but I got distracted. (giggle): That was a pretty stupid question, wasn’t it? Legolas blushes and responds a meek BORIS: All your base are belong to us! ?yes,? but defends himself by BOROMIR: Shooting you both with an arrow. looking down his nose at you with ?I wasn?t watching you.? CHESTERFIELD: But…he said yes! JULES: Whatever; it’s just a jumble of words. ?Oh Legolas, I thought I?d never hear those words,? Gimli gushes. ALL: SQUIRT!!! Gimli and Legolas are so wrapped up in each other BORIS: Literally. JULES: Most likely. they completely block you out BOROMIR (hopefully): Does that mean they knocked her out? CHESTERFIELD: We can only hope. while they share their first kiss. BORIS: Ha! Not far off! CHESTERFIELD: Who cares; the fic’s over. Let’s get out of here! JULES: AMEN! *All four exit the theater* |
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1:28 AM Jul 11