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| What the Heck?; The MST | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 12 2008, 06:36 AM (1,428 Views) | |
| MackenzieW | Jul 12 2008, 06:36 AM Post #1 |
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Resident Time Lady
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Title: What the Heck? Author: MackenzieW Rating: T Genre: MST, Humor Text it is based on: What the Heck? by Crys Evans/Miss Quartermain Characters: Mackenzie and Crew, HP evil guys, if you were in the Lord of the Rings, you're in this story. Twit and her Shadow. Summary: After Idrial, the gang gets "What the Heck?" They soon learn the title is more than appropriate. Warnings: Stupidity, gushy romance, innuendo, a LOT of singing, character ruptures. What the Heck? You can review the story here. Standard disclaimer: I do not own "What the Heck?" It was written by Miss Quartermain over on Fanfiction.net. However, at the time, she went by Crys Evans so that's the name we use in this. I also don't own Quatre from Gundam Wing, Sai from Ronin Warriors, Erik from the Phantom of the Opera, Jareth from Labyrinth and everyone from the Harry Potter univese. I do own my alter ego, Mackenzie. Enjoy! Now, I had a tradition when I e-mailed this around in renaming the chapters. So, here's Chapter 1's: "The Sues Land in Middle-earth, Conveniently in the Paths of Boromir and Legolas. Hmm..." Narrator: A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… Mackenzie: That’s the Star Wars prologue. Narrator: Which one? A New Hope? Mackenzie: It’s Star Wars. Not “A New Hope” Narrator: Sorry. Anyway…Last week in your own galaxy, a young fanfiction author and reader decided to spork a badfic. Unfortunately, her friend accidentally said the name of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. A pack of Death Eaters promptly kidnapped her and her other companions and brought them to their master.Mackenzie: Aren’t you dead? Voldemort: Shut up. Narrator: He decided that as their punishment, they would be locked up in some remote room in Malfoy Manor and be forced to read badfics for an undetermined amount of time. These poor saps are: Mackenzie, our heroine. Mac: Hey, Moldy-Voldy. Remus Lupin, recently departed werewolf Remus: But I’m not a ghost? Sai, the Ronin Warrior of Trust with a fascination with sea life Sai: There aren’t any fish here! Quatre: The youngest Gundam pilot Quatre: This isn’t good. Erik, the Phantom of the Opera Erik: Will…get…revenge…on…Pretty Boy. And occasionally joined by Jareth, the Goblin King. Jareth: Voldemort and I go way back. Will they get out alive? Mackenzie: I hope so. Only time will tell. It was hard to tell night from day in Malfoy Manor. The estate was always shrouded in what Mackenzie started to call “the fog of mysteriousness.” Also, their captor did not particularly care for natural light nor any type of muggle artificial light. Candles floated everywhere, alarming Mackenzie, who had visions of something catching on fire. Voldemort, of course, wouldn’t do anything about it, she was certain. He would probably enjoy watching one of them burn to death. But because of this difficulty, the residents of the Remote Room of Doom (it was the best they could come up with at the time) guessed when it was time to sleep. Unfortunately, they didn’t agree on which time that was so at various hours at least one of the five could be found sleeping. At this time, both Quatre and Mackenzie were down for the count. This left Remus, Sai and Erik to their own devices. Erik, who won the last sporking, had asked for permission to use the Malfoy’s organ. It was granted to him and he often slipped out of the room to go compose. Remus and Sai never really got along, which often surprised Mackenzie. Both men were very friendly and easy-going. She knew about Sai’s crush on her and suspected he thought of Remus as an opponent. On Remus’ feelings, she was unsure. After all, he was married. But dead. So the fact that the two were the only conscious people in the room would’ve alarmed Mackenzie, had she been awake. Sai had been a little on edge, a combination of shock from their first badfic in this place and the lack of water. Remus, though, was perfectly fine. Or else hiding his shock well. “Nice night, isn’t it, Sai?” he asked, trying to make conversation. “I don’t know, Remus,” Sai responded. “One could easily say it is a lovely morning.” “One could,” Remus replied. He stretched. “I wish someone would give us a newspaper. Something to read. Or do the crossword puzzles at least.” “Well, next time we get a badfic, win the most points and request one,” Sai snapped. “Easy. Are you still upset you lost?” “I didn’t lose. The Suethor lost.” “Suethors don’t count, Sai. You know that.” “Are you calling me stupid?” “What? No, Sai. You are not stupid,” Remus said. “You’re just emotional.” “That’s it!” Sai exclaimed, lunging at Remus. He grabbed the man’s sweater, and the force knocked both to the floor. “Tsk, fighting?” Voldemort asked, gliding into the room. “I’m disappointed in you boys.” Remus and Sai jumped up, straightening their clothes. Erik walked in behind the Dark Lord, ignoring the two men. He sat on the chair he had claimed for his own, watching them. Voldemort scanned the room. “Where are my other two prisoners?” he asked. “They’re asleep, my Lord,” Wormtail said, pointing to the occupied beds. “Well spotted, Wormtail,” Voldemort said. “Well, they’ll wake up soon enough. I have found another badfic for you to read.” The three in the room groaned. “Oh, don’t be like that,” Jareth said, walking into the room. “I have decided to join you for this one.” “It is another Lord of the Rings fic,” Voldemort explained. “I hope you enjoy it. Come, Wormtail!” Pettigrew scampered out of the room behind his master. As the door shut, the siren went off. It’s piercing scream and accompanying green lights woke Mackenzie and Quatre up. “TROWA!” Quatre screamed, sitting up. No one paid him any mind. Mackenzie groaned as she stretched. “We’ve got badfic sign!” she yelled, watching the secret passage open up for them. The six piled into the theater and made themselves comfortable. The keyboard appeared on Mackenzie’s lap, including the address of their story. She typed it in and her eyes widened as the story appeared. “Oh no, not this! VOLDEMORT!” “What?” Remus asked, concerned. “How bad is it?” “Is it ‘An Elf’s Love’?” Erik asked. “No, not as bad, but pretty bad,” Mackenzie said. She sighed. “Let’s begin.” Mackenzie: I present Chrys Evans’ infamous “What the Heck?” Remus: Aptly named. Mackenzie (flatly): It has a sequel. Sai: Already? Disclaimer: I do not own anything outside of Katelyn and Jessica. Though, I would love to own Boromir and Legolas... Remus: Another Boromir fic? Mac: And of course, it is a Legomance. Sai: Katelyn? Erik: Mary Sue sign #1—weird spelling of common name. Mac: Point Erik This is the first installation in my I’m a Mary-sue and Proud of It series. If ya don’t like Mary-sues, DON’T READ!!!!! Sai: I love that warning. Mac: In a way, it makes sense. Unless you’re us. Remus: Then you are forced to read it. Jareth: Well, some of us aren’t. Others: SHUT UP! Chapter One Mac: Which on the drop down chapter menu is entitled “Of Rangers and Elves” Remus: Joy. Jessica Stevens sighed and rubbed her eyes. Finish a five page essay by Monday; great way to spend your 20th birthday, Stevens. Jess looked over at her eighteen-year-old sister, Katelyn, and smiled. The poor girl's wearing herself out. Jess sighed again and pulled out her copy of The Lord of the Rings. I need to unwind. She opened to the chapter "The Council of Elrond" and yawned. For some strange reason, her eyes were getting heavy. Funny, I didn't think I was that tired. Quatre: Hey, Jessica, could we please separate your thoughts with italics or something? Thanks! Somewhere in Middle-earth... Sai: How informative. Mac: You know, Chrys, there are ways of explaining setting with out having to resort to this. I mean, come on, we don’t even know where the first paragraph took place. Quatre: Point Mac. Jess woke up with a splitting headache. "What the Heck?" Remus (as Tour Guide): And there is the title of the story, so cleverly hidden in the dialogue. Sai: Not. she stopped short when she saw who was staring at her. She screamed and jumped to her feet. In front of her was Sean Bean/ Boromir. Jareth: Sean Bean? Mac: Played Boromir in the movie. Obviously, we are going to get the “characters look like the actors who played them” description. Quatre: RUN AWAY SEAN BEAN/BOROMIR! IT’S DANGEROUS! "Who are you," as if I need to ask that, "where am I, and how-- the-- heck-- did-- I-- get-- here?!" "I am Boromir son of Denethor. We are five days outside of Rivendell, and I do not know how you came to be here." Mac: Suethor magic. Remus: It’s worse than the Dark Lord’s Erik: Point Remus Jess snorted loudly. "Yeah, right. Boromir; Rivendell. I'm dreaming; that's the only logical explanation. Erik: This is a Sue-fic. There is no logic, Jess. Either that, or your Sean Bean and somebody's playing a nasty trick on me. Sai: Can someone own Sean Bean? Mac: Wha—oh, Suethor grammar. No-- I'm dreaming. I'm going to close my eyes, and when I open them again, I'll be back in my own bed." She closed her eyes tightly and waited for a moment before opening them again. Boromir was still staring at her. "Oh my gosh," she whimpered, "This has to be a dream!" Boromir reached over and pinched her arm. "OW!" Jareth: Go, Boromir! "Apparently, you are not dreaming." Jess glared viciously at him. "Ha ha. Very funny, 'son of Denethor'. Just who exactly put you up to this?" "No one 'put me up to' anything." Jess' eyes widened alarmingly. "Oh crap!" Then, she fainted. Erik: Mary Sue sign #2—faints. Mac (as Southern belle): I do declare! Fetch me my smellin’ salts! Outside of Rivendell Sai: Law and Order: Middle Earth. Quatre: Bu-dunk! Mac: Shared point Sai and Quatre. Kate woke up slowly, vaguely aware of the feel of grass beneath her face. I thought that I was sleeping in my bed. She blinked a few times before sitting bolt upright. Oh help! She was in the middle of a forest. Mac: Don’cha just hate it when you sleepwalk into other worlds? "Jess? Are you there?" Kate felt tears stinging her eyes as she looked around her for her older sister. "I'm all alone in the middle of Heaven only knows where. Great." She let her tears flow freely. "Pardon me, miss, are you well?" "No!" Kate answered without looking up. "I'm in the middle of nowhere without my sister. How would you feel?!" She looked up and gagged. "Orlando Bloom?" Erik: I know the feeling. Pretty boy. The blonde man raised his eyebrows questioningly. "I'm sorry, but I do not understand you. I am Legolas son of Thranduil, and you are in the borders of the land of Rivendell." Mac (as Legolas): Actually, I can’t understand you because I am speaking Sindarin and you are talking some language I have never heard before. Remus: Wait, seriously? Mac: Yeah, Common Tongue or Westron isn’t English. Remus: Interesting. Erik: Mary-Sue sign #3: Can mysteriously communicate with the people in the other world. Kate's eyes widened. "I think I'm going to faint." And she did. Erik: Mary Sue sign #2a—Repeated fainting. Quatre: But this is a different Sue! Erik: *tightens Punjab* Boromir's Campsite Quatre: Bu-dunk! Mac: Where’s Briscoe when you need him? When Jess woke up, she was aware of a blanket over her shoulders, the sound of a fire, and the smell of cooking meat. Mac: Unfortunately, it was her cooking meat. Remus: Point Mac She looked over her shoulder and groaned when she saw Boromir kneeling by the fire. Great, just great! Boromir looked at her and smiled. "I see that you are awake." "No duh, Sherlock," Jess muttered angrily as she sat up. Jareth: How scathing! Boromir looked at her in confusion but said nothing. "How long was I unconscious?" "Only a few hours. Here, you must be hungry." He offered her a plate of stew. Sai: Unfortunately, Jess didn’t know that Boromir had borrowed some of Sekhmet’s poisons. Mac: *Cackles* "Thanks," Jess tried not to look disgusted by the stew. She was a very picky eater and was genuinely surprised when she discovered that it was good. "Why are you being so nice to me? I treated you like dirt." Boromir shrugged. "You were frightened and confused. Your behavior was justifiable." "That doesn't make it right. I treated you horribly, and I'm sorry." "It is already forgiven." Erik: Mary Sue sign #4—everyone likes them, no one holds a grudge against them. Sai: Unless they’re evil. Mac: Point Sai "So--" Jess tried to find the right words to say. "You said that we were five days outside of Rivendell. How will we get there, exactly?" "On horseback." Jess grimaced. "Haven't you ever ridden a horse?" "Only a few times for short periods of time. Erik (as Jessica): For some reason, the horse kept tossing me off. Mac: Unbeknownst to Jessica, she was actually riding a bucking bronco. Erik: Point Mac Where I come from, we have different methods of transportation that are faster than horses." "Truly? Well, I'm afraid that you will have to get used to riding on a horse." Jess groaned and shivered. "Terrific." Mac (as Jess): You are SO paying for my therapy after this! Boromir came over to her and wrapped his cloak around her shoulders. "Forgive me for my inconsideration. I should have realized that you were cold sooner." Erik: What, she was shivering from cold? I thought she was shivering from fear? Remus: Don’t. Ask. "Thanks." She pulled the cloak tighter around her. "Won't you be cold?" Boromir shook his head with a smile. "You know, you're the first gentleman that I've met in nearly six years." "Really? How old are you?" "I just turned twenty." Mac: In my imagination. Erik: But maturity wise, I’m fourteen. Quatre: I’m the same age as her maturity level and still way more mature than she is. Sai: Point Quatre "I am thirty years of age." What?! She thought wildly. He's supposed to be forty! Hey! A voice in the back of her head shouted, he's younger! Enjoy it! "Come, we must leave." Mac: Would that make this AU? Quatre: He’s younger? Coincidence? Erik: No, Chrys Evans purposefully made younger so that the man she was lusting after was twice her age and make it okay when they… Mac: NOT AROUND QUATRE! "All right. You're going to have to help me into the saddle." Remus: That is so an euphemism. Quatre: A what? Mac: Nothing, Quatre, nothing. Boromir did so before climbing up into the saddle behind her. "Hold on tight. With luck, Mithrandir might be able to explain why you are here." "Yeah. I hope you don't mind if I talk a lot." "Not at all. After four months of traveling alone, I would enjoy the conversation." "You know, I may seem crazy for saying this, but I feel as if I already know you." Mac (ala Valley Girl): Cause I’ve like seen the movie like a hundred times! Totally awesome! Remus: What makes that more dead on is the fact that you are a blonde. "How so? I am sure that we have never met." "We haven't." Jess tried to think of the best way to explain this. "You see, I am from a different world, where all of this," she swept her hand out in front of her, "is part of a story in a book. I have read it many times." Boromir was silent for a long time. "I do not understand." Jess sighed. "I was afraid of that." Mac: Next time, just say you’re a psychic. Remus: Admit that you’re a stalker. Quatre: Wouldn’t that freak him out? Remus: She’s a Mary Sue. He’ll forgive her instantly. "Do you have any siblings?" Yes," Jess said in relief, "my younger sister is two years my junior. And I have two brothers; one is ten years my junior and the other is five years younger." Sai: And we care because…? Erik: Why bother…we’re never going to see the brothers. Quatre: You want to know how many siblings I have? Mac: A lot. All sisters. "What are their names?" "Katelyn is my sister, Hunter is the oldest of my brothers, and Brian is the youngest. My name is Jessica, by the way." "Jessica," Boromir repeated softly. Erik (as Boromir): A few more times and I might actually remember her name. "I wonder how Kate is handling my disappearance." Mac: PARTAY TIME! Remus: She hasn’t even noticed you’re gone. Rivendell Quatre: Bu-dunk. Mac: Seriously, Briscoe needs to pay a visit to this author IMMEDIATELY! Kate opened her eyes and sat bolt upright. "Oh-- my-- gosh!" Elrond looked up in mild surprise and smiled kindly at her. I never thought Hugo Weaving could look kind, Kate thought. "Good morning, Lady Katelyn." Sai (as Mr. Smith): Good morning, Mr. Anderson. "How do you know my name?" Quatre (as Elrond): That’s for me to know and you to find out!” Remus (as Elrond): It’s on your name tag, silly! Elrond's smile widened. "The Elves have been waiting for you and your elder sister, Lady Jessica." Remus: And then the welcoming committee came in, brandishing swords and aiming arrows. Erik: Point Remus "Waiting? For Jess and me? Why? We aren't warriors or sorceresses." Jareth: Or notable at all. "A prophecy was made nearly a millennium ago that two sisters would come from another world to aid Middle-earth in its darkest hour." Erik: It said that they would be more evil than Sauron himself and they would send him from the land running, thus saving Middle Earth. Jareth: Point Erik Erik: Also, Mary Sue sign #4—has a prophecy about them Jareth: You got your point, you can stop it now! "Shut-- up. This is Lord of the Rings, not Narnia or some cheesy fanfiction." Mac (ala Allan Funt): Surprise! You’re in CHEESY FANFICTION! "I beg your pardon?" "Nevermind. Do you know where Jess is right now?" "She is on her way here with the eldest son of Denethor." Kate snorted. "She must be loving that. I just hope that she hasn't hyperventilated and passed out. Erik: Too late. Is there any chance of me getting some more--" she searched for the right word, "decent attire?" "My daughter will be here shortly." Please don't let her look like Liv Tyler! Jareth: Chances are, she will. I mean, if Boromir looks like Sean Bean, Legolas looks like Orlando Bloom and Elrond looks like Hugo Weaving, then logically, Arwen should look like Liv Tyler. Mac: Yeah…logically. *Rolls eyes* "I will leave you now." "Thank you, Elrond." Remus (as Elrond): Lord Elrond. No Mary Sue is worthy enough to call me just Elrond! Jareth: Point Remus "You are welcome, Lady Katelyn." When Arwen came into the room, Kate breathed a sigh of relief. "You're prettier than I imagined." Jareth: Right. Mary Sues don’t have logic. Mac: I think you’re catching on, Jareth. "Thank you. My father thought that you might like these," Arwen laid out three silk gowns, each of which was a different pastel color. "They were once mine." Remus and Mac: Of course they were! "They're beautiful! I would love to wear them." She stood and picked up the blue gown. "I like this one best." "It was my favorite as well." Remus and Mac: Of course it was! Arwen's eyes widened when Kate pushed her hair behind her ears. "So it is true!" Sai (as Arwen): You are evil incarnate! Quatre (as Arwen): You do only have one ear. Mac: Shared Point-Sai and Quatre "What's true?" "The prophecy says that the sisters would be as different in appearance as night and day. The eldest sister would look as if she hailed from Gondor, while the younger would appear to be of Elvin Blood." "What do you mean, 'Elvin'--" she stopped short as she felt her ears. They were pointed. "I wonder what's happened to Jess." Quatre: She is taking this rather well. Mac: Because it is every day that you wake up in a strange land with ears. Jareth: She’s a Mary Sue, after all. Remus: Look, chapter’s over! Sai: Good. Dibs on the bathroom! *All leave.* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 13 2008, 03:16 AM Post #2 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"The Sues Learn Why They Are Mucking Up Tolkien's Work" *Everyone returns back to the theater.* Mac: Okay, just so we all know…we’re all pretty much tied up at three each, except for Erik and Jareth. Erik has two points and Jareth, you have none. Jareth: Like I care. I don’t need any favors from the Dark Lord. I’m the Goblin King. Mac: Okay, back to the second chapter, which is subtitled Of Councils and Long Hair. Remus: Joy. Disclaimer: I do not own anything outside of Katelyn and Jessica. Though, I would love to own Boromir and Legolas... Jareth: I’m sure you do, Chrys Chapter Two "Your hair has grown considerably since last night," Boromir remarked as he lit a small fire. "Yeah," Jess groaned as she stretched her stiff muscles. "It's weird. My hair usually takes months to grow this much." Boromir shrugged. Jessica had learned how to interpret his shrugs quickly; this one meant that he agreed with her assessment. Mac: Jess is fluent in the language of shrugs. Remus: I didn’t know shrugs meant something other than, “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” "You had better walk around to loosen the muscles in your legs." "How do you stand it?" she asked irritably as she limped around the campsite. Another shrug, accompanied by an amused grin. Sai: So, great master of shrugology, what does that shrug mean? Remus (as Jess): I don’t care. "You get used to it eventually," he said vaguely as he began to prepare their diner. "How long is eventually?" Boromir chuckled. "By the time we reach Rivendell, you ought to be an experienced horsewoman." Quatre: But isn’t Rivendell only about three days away by now? Mac: He said experienced, not expert. Sai: Point Mac "Ought to be being the key phrase," Jess said with a grin. "Boromir, would you teach me how to use a sword?" Mac: Five bucks says she becomes an expert in it relatively quickly. Remus: That’s too good a bet to make. "Of course. We can begin after we eat." "Perfect! Hurry up, I'm starving!" Boromir chuckled again and grinned. "Patience is a virtue." Jess returned his smile. "One which I am not in possession of." "All right, it'll be ready soon." After a hearty meal, Boromir handed Jessica a light-weight sword and led her away from the fire. Mac: Let the sword lessons begin! Jareth: Hopefully, Boromir will “accidentally” slice her in two and end our torture. "All right," he said as he twirled his sword, "I'm going to bring the sword down on your head." He did so and Jess blocked it deftly before twisting her sword so that his blade was pointing downwards and hers was at his neck. "Very good." Remus: She’s a natural. *To Mac* Told you it was too good a bet to take. They continued for nearly two hours before they collapsed in exhaustion. Jess leaned back against a tree with a sigh while Boromir leaned over to pick up the discarded weapons. "You have great potential in hand-to-hand combat. I salute you." He saluted in an exaggerated manner. Erik: Oh gag… Jess chuckled tiredly. "You aren't so bad yourself." "I ought to be good after over twenty years of training." Quatre: That’s your entire life span, Sue! And what have you done with your life? Jess chuckled again. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. (A/N sorry, but there will be a lot of moments like this. I'm a born nerd) Mac: Don’t apologize for the movie reference… Remus: Even though it is an awesome movie referenced in an atrocious fic. Mac: Apologize for throwing in an Author Note and disrupting the flow of your story! "We will not be able to practice again until we reach Rivendell." "Why's that?" "We are going to ride harder and longer, only stopping for short periods of time." Sai (as Boromir): Cause the sooner I get rid of you, the better. Mac: Point Sai "Great," she muttered sarcastically, "so I'm going to have to sleep on the back of a horse?" Erik (as Boromir): No, of course not. You’re not going to sleep at all. Mac: Point Erik "I'm afraid so." Jess dropped her head to the ground with a groan. "Why do I get the feeling that you enjoy watching me suffer?" All: *Cackle evilly* Boromir chuckled dryly. "We'll start tomorrow." Rivendell... Quatre: Bu-dunk Sai: There are how many chapters of this? Mac: Fifteen. Quatre: Yeah, that’s gonna get old. Kate brought up the bow that Elrond had given her, aimed, and released the arrow. It hit dead center. "Very good." Kate looked over her shoulder at Legolas and smiled. "You have improved greatly." Sai: Of course you have. "Thanks. I've always wanted to learn archery. I've found that it helps me clear my thoughts." "It does the same for me." Mac: Because we totally so belong together! Legolas looked carefully at Kate. "Is something wrong, Lady Katelyn?" Kate laughed dryly. "Well, 1) I hate being called Lady, and 2) I miss my sister." Mac: Don’t use that! Take out the one and two. It looks all wrong! Remus: Violations? *Mac puts on grammar police uniform and starts writing tickets* Sai: Looks like Saerwen will have some company in grammar and punctuation jail. "Do not worry about her. Lord Boromir is an honorable man; he will take care of her." "I know. She's probably giddy with excitement because she's with her favorite Captain of Gondor." Remus: There’s more than one? Quatre: Well… Remus: That Jess knows? Quatre: Touché. Legolas chuckled. "From what you have told me, I would be surprised if she has not fainted." Mac: And Legolas wondered why we dubbed him “Captain Obvious.” Riding Towards Rivendell... Quatre: Bu— Mac: Yeah, not this time. Quatre: Aww… Jessica forced herself to stay awake. She didn't want to Miss a thing, but her eyelids had other ideas. Boromir watched her fight to keep her eyes open in amusement. "You can sleep," he whispered in her ear. "Don't worry; I will not let you fall." Remus (as Jack): You jump, I jump. "I trust you," she muttered as her eyes closed. Mac (as Rose): I’ll never let go, Jack! Boromir smiled and pulled her back so that she was resting against his chest. He wrapped his arms protectively around her and sighed. In so many ways, Jessica reminded him of Faramir. Mac: Your future love interest reminds you of your brother? Quatre: That is so wrong on many levels. Remus: Wonder what Freud would have to say about that? She was thoughtful, kind and fun-loving. But there were differences. Mac: Like Faramir’s a guy and Jess is a girl? Erik: Point Mac Jessica was hot-tempered, outgoing and afraid, while Faramir was cool-headed, quiet and brave. He sighed again and urged his horse to go faster. If all went well, then they would reach Rivendell in another two days. Remus: And he would never see her again. The next morning, Jessica woke up to find herself still on the back of the horse. "How much longer until we reach Rivendell?" "If we keep up this pace, we should get there by the end of tomorrow." "Good. My whole lower body is screaming in protest to the abuse I've been putting it through." Erik: Unknown to Jess, Boromir had been beating her in her sleep. Quatre: That’s kinda mean. Erik: For a Mary Sue? Boromir chuckled. He would never tire of Jessica's sarcastic humor. "Your hair has grown more." Jess ran her fingers through her thick brown hair and was surprised to find that it was now past her shoulders. "Weird! Kate would be laughing hysterically if she could see me now." "Are you close to your sister?" "As close as you and Faramir." Boromir stiffened in shock. "You know about Faramir?" "Quite a bit, actually. I told you before: in my world, this is all part of a book." Mac: And we told you to claim you’re psychic. Remus: Or a stalker. "How do I know that you are not lying?" Jess looked over her shoulder at him. "That was a good speech; nice and short." Jareth (as Boromir): But that wasn’t an answer. You ARE lying! Erik: Point Jareth. Jareth: FINALLY! *All stare* I mean, whatever. I don’t care. "Leaves more time for drinking," Boromir muttered in response, too shocked to say anything else. "Do you know about my father?" "Don't get me started on Mr. Don't-trouble-me-with-Faramir-I-know-his-uses-and-they-are-few." Mac: Actually, I’m pretty sure Denethor was a bit nicer to Faramir in the book than that. Remus: They look like the movie actors. Mac: Oh, yeah. Then he was a right bastard to Faramir in the trilogy. "I won't." Jess put her hand over Boromir's. "I'm sorry if I frightened you." "It is all right. I should have known--" "But you couldn't have. I'm sorry." "You are forgiven." Mac (angrily): Could someone once NOT forgive a Mary Sue? Remus: They’d probably be so confused, they’d explode. Jareth: Point Remus. Then, to the surprise of both parties, Boromir kissed the top of her head. Mac: Oh gag… Erik: Where are those barf bags? *Remus starts handing them out* Rivendell... Quatre: Bu-dunk. Remus: You’re enjoying that, aren’t you? Quatre: Uh-huh. Erik (to Mac): Note to you: STOP LETTING HIM WATCH LAW AND ORDER! "When will they get here?" Elrond sighed in exasperation. Katelyn had not stopped pestering him since dawn that morning. "This afternoon, if all goes well. Now, Katelyn, you must have patience." "I wasted all of that on Merry and Pippin." "Hey!" Pippin cried in protest, "we aren't that difficult!" Mac: Actually, they really aren’t. Kate rolled her eyes. "If you insist." Quatre (as Pippin): I do. Remus: Point Quatre. Since the arrival of the hobbits nearly four days before, Kate had become fast friends with them. Sai: Of course, she did. Jareth: Stupid Mary Sue. She had noted, with some satisfaction, that all of them except Frodo looked exactly like their movie alter-egos. (A/N sorry if you are a Frodo/Elijah Wood fan, but I can't stand him!!!!!) Remus: Author Notes in story violation. Mac: Exclamation point abuse violation. Frodo looked more like a cross between Daniel Radcliff and Christian Coulson. Quatre: Who? Sai (slowly): Daniel Radcliff is the actor who plays Harry Potter. Quatre (annoyed): I know that! Who is Christian Coulson? *Mac minimizes story and googles the name* Mac: Oh, Tom Riddle… Remus: Harry Potter fangirl too. Great. Suddenly, the sounds of an approaching horse could be heard. Kate ran to the balcony before rushing to the courtyard. "Jess!" Boromir and his companion looked up at the sound of Kate's voice and Jess slipped off of the horse with a broad grin. "Katie!" The two sisters swept each other into a crushing hug. "You're wearing a gown! And your ears! Quatre (as Jess): When did you get them pierced? What happened?" "What about you? What happened to your hair? Last time that I saw you it was shorter than Boromir's!" "I don't know! It just grew. Sai: That’s not true, Jess, what about the Rogaine? Mac: Do women use Rogaine? Oh, Kate this is Boromir." Boromir dismounted and bowed respectfully while Kate curtsied in response. "Boromir, this is my sister Katelyn." "It is a pleasure to meet you. Jessica speaks very highly of you." "Likewise," Kate said with a grin. "I hope she wasn't too much trouble." "Not at all." "I hate to seem rude, but Lord Elrond will want to speak with you, Jess." "See ya Boromir," Jess called back as her sister dragged her out of the courtyard. Mac: So, you spend five days riding behind some guy who also teaches you sword fighting and all you can say is “See ya!”? Erik: That’s worse than the girl you’ve been teaching runs off with some Pretty Boy. Jareth: Or the girl you’ve rearranged everything for tells you you have no power over her. Remus: You BOTH need therapy. "Oh, Jess, I've been so worried about you! Come on, Elrond's office is just down here." Kate stopped short in front of a large oak door and waited patiently. "I have to warn you, he looks exactly like he does in the movies." Remus: Unfortunately. Jess groaned as Elrond called for them to enter. "I just hope that Arwen doesn't take after him," she whispered. "Not in the least," Kate assured her. Elrond turned and smiled. Charlie would kill to be here, Jess thought with a soft grin, remembering her younger cousin. (A/N I do have a cousin who has a crush on Elrond. Haven't got the foggiest notion why, though, seeing as her sisters are obsessed with Orlando Bloom) Remus: Three Author’s Note violations in one chapter! That’s a two hundred dollar fine, Ms. Evans! Mac (ala Raven): Oh SNAP! "Welcome to Rivendell, Lady Jessica." "Whoa! You know my name?" Remus (as Elrond): Once again, idiot, you are wearing a name tag. Mac (as Kate): No that was…hey, Jess, you ARE wearing a name tag! "Ye-eah," Kate said guiltily, "about that-- well, long story short, you and I are here to fulfill a prophecy and save Middle-earth." Jess groaned again. "This is a cheesy fanfiction!" "That's what I said." Mac (as Allan Funt) I said that last chapter! Don’t go stealing my thunder! "So, Elrond, any ideas as to why what we are supposed to do?" "I only foresaw your coming, though I do believe that your destiny is closely entwined with that of the eldest son of Denethor." *Everyone gags* Jess fought down a blush. "Terrific. Any chance of me getting cleaned and into some fresh clothes?" "Of course. My daughter will lead you to your chambers." "We're gonna share a suite," Kate said excitedly. "Sweet! Pun intended." *Everyone facepalms* Kate giggled as Arwen came into the room. Jess felt her jaw drop. "Liv Tyler's got nothin' on you!" Arwen smiled sweetly. "Come, we shall get you bathed and into some new clothes." "No dresses please. I can't stand skirts!" Erik: Mary Sue sign #6—refuses to wear dresses. Remus: Well, Kate doesn’t pass that one. Jareth: No, but she passes the others. Mac: Point Jareth Arwen raised an eyebrow questioningly at Kate who shrugged. "It's true." "Very well, I will see what I can do." Later in Rivendell.. Sai: That is going to get old, really fast. Erik: Going to get? Mac: Well, it’s already annoying. Jess sighed in satisfaction as she slid into the steaming bath water. Mac: That’s it? No more description? Nothing about how good it felt? Quatre: That so doesn’t deserve its own paragraph. Mac: Damn straight. Erik: Oh, horrors, the chapter is over. Now what will we do? Remus: Dinner? I think I hear the house elf. *All leave* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 13 2008, 08:09 PM Post #3 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"Bonding. Ugh." *All enter the theater* Mac: So, we ready? Erik: Are we ever? Sai: Can we play solitaire instead? Mac: No, Voldemort disabled anything fun. Sai: Damn. Remus: What is this chapter subtitled? Mac: Of Archery Contest and Sword Fighting Erik: Oh, this is going to be an action packed chapter. Chapter Three All (flatly): Yay. Legolas leaned against a column and watched Katelyn practicing her archery. She had truly improved in the past few weeks. Mac: Oh great, so one excels in sword-fighting like her love interest and the other excels in archery like her love interest. Absentmindedly, Kate pushed a stray strand of her light brown hair behind her ear before taking up another arrow. Legolas felt his chest swell as she pulled back the string of her bow, showing off the curves of her body in a very flattering manner. Erik: Oh no, it’s lust bunny Legolas! Where’s the real elf? Mac: I think if you’re very quiet, you can hear someone banging on a closet door. Finally, the twang of the bowstring rang out and Kate's arrow embedded itself in the center of the target. "You improve daily," Legolas said as he walked up beside Katelyn. "Thanks. How about a little competition?" "And run the risk of injuring my pride? Why not?" Jareth: Don’t worry, Legolas, I don’t think she could whip you. Mac: I wouldn’t be too sure about that…you know, Mary Sue. Kate grinned broadly as she handed Legolas a bow. They took their positions, aimed, and at the same moment released their arrows. They both hit dead center. Erik: Seriously? Katelyn laughed merrily. "Care for a tie breaker?" "Of course. You first, milady," Legolas said with a bow. "Let us see if you can shoot true with a minor distraction." Remus: Wow, smug much? Katelyn took her position and aimed. Then, just as she was about to release her arrow, Legolas tickled behind her ear with the feathered tip of an arrow. All: CHEAT! Kate's eyes widened and she let out a small yelp of surprise as she let go of her bow string, jerking the bow slightly upwards as she did so. The arrow hit the farthest ring on the target. Kate turned and glared viciously at Legolas. "That isn't fair!" she shouted indignantly. "You did that on purpose!" Legolas tried not to chuckle as he looked at her. "If you wish, you may do likewise to me." Remus: Oh don’t suggest that, who knows what the Sue will come up with… Sai: And trust us when we say it won’t be PG. Jareth: Point Sai Kate's eyes twinkled mischievously. "Are you sure?" "Quite sure," Legolas said less confidently than he had planned to. Quatre: Looks like Legolas heard our warning. The Elf prince stepped forward and aimed. He was painfully aware of Katelyn standing right beside him. Just as he released the arrow, Kate kissed his cheek. Legolas turned bright red and jerked his bow up. Erik: He’s an elf prince, not a 15 year old boy. Sai: Point Erik The arrow missed the target by a whole foot. Now it was Legolas' turn to glare. Katelyn returned his frown with an innocent smile. "That was not fair," he growled. Mac: Life’s not fair, prince, and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. Jareth: That phrase…she always said that… Sai: Who? Mac: Sarah Sai: Is that the basis for his and Erik’s… Mac: Yep. Kate grinned broadly. "Now you know how it feels," she said sweetly as she walked off. Legolas watched her leave and couldn't help but smile. She was so aggravating and endearing all at once, that he couldn't help but love her. Mac: Quick! The bags! *Remus hands out the bags* Somewhere Else in Rivendell... Remus: The characters are locked in a closet and are trying to get out. Sai: Point Remus Kate watched her sister and Boromir with an amused smile. For the past three weeks, the two humans had trained for hours every day. Jess would come back to the suite of rooms that she and Kate shared exhausted, eat her dinner alone, and fall asleep. Mac: Party pooper. Jessica dodged Boromir's attacks expertly and responded with great agility. The sounds of their clashing blades filled the still air of Rivendell. Remus (ala cranky old man): Turn that racket down, you young whippersnappers! Boromir ducked an especially well-placed blow and laughed heartily. He loved these mock fights with Jessica. Not only did they help to keep him in prime fighting condition, but they also gave him a chance to spend more time with the intriguing woman. Sai: Intriguing? Quatre: Like a piece of cardboard. Mac: You know, Plank was a piece of cardboard and more intriguing than Jess. Remus: Share point Quatre and Mac. Jessica brought her blade down, deftly twisted her wrist and sent Boromir's sword spinning away. Before the Gondorian could recover from his surprise, Jessica had kicked his legs out from under him and rested her foot on his chest. "Do you yield?" she asked in a deceptively sweet tone. Boromir laughed merrily. "I yield. Now help me up." Jessica took his hand and pulled him to his feet, smiling broadly. Remus: And then he ran her through with his sword. And then did the same with her sister. Mac: Teach them to humiliate him. Jareth: Why aren’t we so lucky? "You have become a true master, Jessica. There is little more that I can teach you." "Thanks." Jessica handed Boromir the sword that she had been borrowing. "I'm going to have to see Elrond about getting a sword of my own." "Yes," Boromir said thoughtfully, "but not today. I can tell that you are exhausted. Go and get some rest," he said as he kissed her cheek. "I shall see you tomorrow." Mac: Well, it looks like our violations worked—her Author’s Notes are after the story! Others: Yay! A/N Huh? Huh?! Oh, come on! You gotta admit this is cool, right? All: No. Just like a movie! Mac: Yeah, one that they would be shown on the Satellite of Love and be picked apart by low-budget robots! Sorry, one of my many nerdy moments. This was one of my favorite chapters so far, even though it was so short. Remus: That says a lot about the remaining chapters. Brownie points to whoever knows where I got that archery scene from. Jareth: Looks like none of us get any brownie points. I loved writing that. Having Legolas blush was awesome! Mac: Yeah, please don’t remind me. I’m still geekin’ out about it! Seriously though, R&R!!! All: NO! Mac: Chapter’s over and she gets an exclamation point abuse violation. *Starts to write and realizes that she is alone.* Hello? Guys? *Leaves* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 14 2008, 10:02 PM Post #4 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"Stupid Singing. Stupid Sues. Stupid Prophecy." *Everyone files back into the theater. A message button is blinking. Mac clicks it, pulling up a video of Voldemort* Voldemort (tapping screen): Is this thing on? All: Yes, your evilness. Voldemort: Good. Now, it has come to my attention that this chapter involves a greater evil than I. Mac: Oh no…please don’t tell me…they don’t…? Voldemort: Yes, they do. However, I am a merciful master. All (flatly): We know. Voldemort: So I shall give you a special gift. You will be able to skip past those scenes. Good luck! Mac: Thanks. *Screen flickers off as a SKIP button appears on the keyboard.* Remus: What was that about? Mac: Here, chapter 4—Of Songs, Powers and Departures Erik: Oh no. *Huddles* Sai: Look, it’s the first author’s note. Oh, BTW, Jareth: BTW? What’s BTW? Sai: Beware of Torturous Writing Mac: While that does apply, in this case, the author means “by the way” bold is stuff only Jess can hear, underlined is Elvish, and italics are thoughts. We all clear? All: No. Good! All: We said no! On with the story! All: But we aren’t clear! Chapter Four Remus: Four of? Mac: Fifteen. *Remus facepalms* Jess sat staring out at the mountains surrounding Rivendell. She was wearing a dark green dress similar to the one Arwen wore in the film when she took Frodo across the fords. Sai: Wait…isn’t this the Mary Sue who doesn’t like dresses? Erik: Yes. Mac: Consistency violation! I'm gonna miss this place when we leave, Jess thought sadly. I have never felt more at peace than I have here. Erik: Just like Idrial. Mac: And a dozen other Mary Sues. As was her wont when she was thinking, Jess began twisting a ring on her right ring finger and singing. Thank God for Bryan Adams, Jareth: Who? Mac: Oh man, I like his version of “Summer of ‘69”! she thought with a smile. Remus: Hey Mac, the skip button is blinking! Erik: We’re skipping Mary Sue sign #7! *Mac presses skip button* SKIP! Ain't it the truth? Jess chuckled mentally. If anybody had told me two months ago that today I'd be in Rivendell preparing to depart with the Fellowship of the Ring, I'd have thrown my head back and la-aughed! Erik: What? Mac: Mary Sue language. Sai: Skip! SKIP! Jess stood and walked over to the edge of the balcony. Suddenly she needed all of Rivendell to hear how she felt. Sai (as Rivendell): Can it! Quatre: Rivendell did not need to hear how Jess felt. Mac: Point Quatre. SKIP! SKIP! Jess began twirling around, grinning broadly. Nothing had ever felt more right than singing and dancing in Rivendell. Mac: Except singing and dancing in the rain! Erik: Whatever—SKIP! SKIP! Jess continued twirling, but added a few hops skips and jumps as she moved through the Elven gardens. Jareth: Do we care? Others: No, not really. All around her, elves stopped and listened to her sweet soprano voice. Erik: Actually, they were concerned that the twitching and howling were signs of a fatal disease. Mac: Point Erik. Remus: SKIP! SKIP! Jess sighed as she finished the song and splashed her hand in the water of a nearby fountain. She had not felt this alive in a long time. Erik: Unfortunately, she only had three seconds more to live. There was the sound of someone clearing her throat behind her and she spun around. Legolas grinned cheekily at her. “You sing beautifully. Mac: If by “beautifully,” you mean horribly. I mean, hello—you are an elf! Elrond is searching for you.” Jess curtsied clumsily and hurried away. I hate it when I am listened to! Sai (as Jess): I’d rather be disobeyed! Erik: Point Sai. She knocked softly on the door to Elrond’s office as she opened it. The Elf-lord gave her a kind smile as she entered. “You sent for me?” “Yes. Have a seat.” Jess looked at the straight-backed chair incredulously before fighting down a snort of laughter. A bit grim. Not grim. Austere. Virtuous. Roman. Thanks for making me watch Ben Hur every Easter, Dad. Remus: Yeah, thanks, Dad. Mac: Another movie reference. “Jessica, for some time now, I have sensed a growing aura of power surrounding you. All: Uh oh. I believe that it is time for you to learn of your true heritage.” All: UH oh. Jess got herself comfortable. She could tell this would not be a short story. Mac: Oh wonderful. Is the skip button lighting up? Remus: No. Elrond began pacing as he spoke. “Many Millennia Mac: DOESN’T NEED TO BE CAPITALIZED! ago, my eldest nephew, Beren son of Elros, Mac: No, he isn’t. There isn’t a single Beren sired by Elros. Try again! left this world. Not for Valinor, but for yours.” Elrond sighed and rubbed his eyes. “He took with him many elves of all races, Silvan and otherwise. They intermarried with the races of your world. With time, only one Elven bloodline remained in your world. The bloodline of your mother.” *All facepalm* Jess gasped and rocked back in shock. Elrond hurried on, not wanting to lose his momentum. Erik: So he could rocket himself out of this horrible fic. “At the time of your birth Middle-earth and Earth were perfectly aligned. Sai: Say what? Quatre: Is that even possible? You are the one that the prophecy focuses on. Mac: Prophesy? Erik: Mary Sue Sign #8! Your sister’s birth occurred as our two worlds were moving out of alignment, so her connection is not as strong as yours. Jareth: Wow, those worlds moved slowly. “The prophecy clearly states that you are to be our savior. Mac: Where’s a desk when you need it? My head has an appointment with it. It was said that when you had been of age for two years, you would be returned to the land of your inheritance. Quatre: Which is why she came on her twentieth birthday! Mystery solved! Your sister would accompany you, but she would not have as great of a role to play. Sai: Of course not, because I have a feeling Jess is a self-insert. Mac: I think they are both self-inserts. Sai: Touché. She would be given the choice between mortality and immortality, while you would be able to control the elements and perceive thoughts. Erik: She’s going to be Super!Sue, isn’t she? “Both of your destinies are entwined with those of the men who you first met. You have the power to prevent a great tragedy.” All: UH OH! “Boromir!” Jess whispered. “I need time alone, Elrond.” “I understand. Go, child, and know that you have my support.” Jess ran until she reached a fountain, where she fell to her knees and cried. “I’m so confused!” All: So are we! What troubles you, child? Jareth (as Jess): Didn’t you just read the previous paragraphs? Jess gasped and spun around. “Who said that?” Remus: The voices in your head. Mac: Point Remus I did, the voice said again. It was sweet and feminine and accompanied by a soft breeze. I am called Sul by the Elves. “Sul,” Jess whispered, “Wind in Elvish.” Mac: Well, it’s “wind” in Sindarin, not Quenya. Both are spoken by Elves. Jareth: Well that’s imaginative. Correct. I have watched you for some time, waiting until the right time to reveal myself to you. I am one of four sisters. Nen, Sul, Kehmen, and Nar. Mac: Okay, Nen is Sindarin for “water,” we know sul, and there is a kemen that means “earth” in Quenya, and nar is Quenya for “hot, like the sun.” Remus: Meaning? Mac: Someone didn’t do their research properly. “The four elements. Sai: Actually, Mac just proved you only have three elements named. Elrond told me that I can control you. Is that true?” Erik (as Sul): Hell no, child! No one can control the elements. Not entirely. You can communicate to us, and we will serve you, but you cannot control us. Remus (as Sul): And frankly, we don’t want to serve a fanbrat self-insert like yourself anyway. “Oh. I see.” Just then, Boromir walked by. Jess’ eyes lit up mischievously. Nen, can you hear me? Mac (singing): Papa, can you hear me? Yes, child. Splash the man. Quatre (as Nen): What do you say? A small wave of water rose from the fountain and hit the back of Boromir’s head. The Gondorian spun around and glared at Jess. Mac: That smack had knocked the sense back into him. The girl smiled innocently in response. “What was that for,” he demanded in mock-anger. *Mac pulls out ticket book* Mac: That’s a question mark violation. Remus: You are just racking these up, Crys. He could never feel truly angry with Jessica. Jareth: Aww, now we’ll never see him kill her! “What was what for?” she asked. Erik (as Boromir): You know what, you little brat! Boromir rolled his eyes and calmly splashed her in the face. Jess spluttered in confusion and retaliated with relish. Soon the two of them were soaked and laughing as Jess tried to run away from the crazed Gondorian. Mac (singing): Run away! Run away! It seems like a helpful solution… But Boromir had the advantage of strong legs and caught up to her quickly. Without hesitating, he lifted her into his arms and dumped her into the fountain. Remus: And held her under… Mac: We wish. Sai: I think we’ve killed her about ten times now. Jess reached up and pulled him in with her. When they resurfaced, Boromir’s arms were once more around Jess. Realizing how close they were, Boromir nearly panicked. What if she doesn’t feel the same way? Mac: She does. Remus: She wrote you that way. Jess chuckled and stepped out of the fountain, soaking wet. Sul? A little help would be nice. Quatre (as Sul): Seriously, it’s one little word! A strong breeze rose around Jessica, drying her hair and clothing. Boromir slipped in astonishment and fell back into the water. All: KLUTZ! Jess laughed merrily as she helped him out of the fountain and called up a breeze to dry him. “How did…?” “It’s a long story, so don’t ask.” Sai (as Boromir): Okay, I won’t… Boromir nodded, still looking confused and sat down on a bench. “I have not done anything so indecorous in years,” he chuckled. Jess laughed too. “Really? I do stuff like that all the time! You need to loosen up!” “I need to what?” Mac: Chillax, dude. Jess laughed again. “Sorry, I keep forgetting that you’re not used to slang. I mean, you need to be less uptight and formal.” Boromir glared. “I am not uptight and formal!” All: Yes, you are. Jess rolled her eyes and began humming absentmindedly. Boromir listened closely. “What song are you singing? I have never heard it before.” Quatre: That’s because it’s not from your world. Erik: Why must this horrible girl mangle the beautiful music? “Hmm? Oh, it’s called ‘In Dreams.’” “Would you sing it?” All: NO! Jess blushed but complied. All: DAMN! Remus: SKIP! SKIP! Boromir listened with a smile on his face. Jareth: Her singing was just that bad. Jess grinned in response and gained more confidence as she sang. Quatre: SKIP! SKIP! Jess’ voice grew louder as she continued, causing the garden to ring with her words. Mac: And scare away all the animals. Erik: SKIP! For the love of Jonas, SKIP! SKIP! Jess sighed and sat down beside Boromir. For the third time in one day, she felt truly alive. “That was beautiful, Jessica. You ought to sing in the Hall of Fire before we leave. The Elves would truly appreciate your talent.” All: No, they wouldn’t. Quatre: Don’t lie, Boromir. “Ha! I’m really not that talented. I love to sing, but I’m not very good.” Quatre: She’s modest! That’s… Erik: Mary Sue sign #9 “You are deceiving yourself! Your voice is more fair than that of an Elf-maid’s!” All: NO! Jess lowered her head so that he hair hid her now burning cheeks. She had been complemented by men before, but she had never been sincerely complimented. Boromir was the first man to be sincere with her and not just attack her like a ravenous wolf because her voice was a little higher than his and she wore skirts. All men: HEY! Boromir watched her hair and longed to run his fingers through it. He loved Jessica. He had only recently admitted it to himself and he wanted her to know, but he didn’t know how to say it. “Jessica, I…” “Call me Jess,” she said automatically, “Everyone that I like does.” Mac: So then we’ll call you Jessica then. So she likes me, but does she love me? Remus: Duh! Boromir wondered sadly. “All right, Jess. I want you to know that-- what I mean is, I…” “There you are!” Pippin cried in delight. Mac: Saved by the Hobbit! “I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Come on, Frodo and Sam want to hear more stories!” Jess smiled at the small hobbit’s enthusiasm. Everyday since her arrival in Rivendell, Jess had told the four hobbits stories from her world. Normally it was she who had to hunt down the hobbits, but today it was the other way around. “All right. Tell them I’m coming.” “Oh no, they told me to come with you even if I had to drag you!” All: Nice. Jess laughed and kissed Boromir’s cheek before following Pippin. Was that entirely wise, child? What d’ya mean, Sul? Kissing the son of Denethor. A blind man could see that you love him. Remus: Can we adopt Sul? Mac: No. *Others groan* I do not! Quatre: Hey, Mac, guess where the Sue is? Mac: Where? Quatre: De Nile! Very well. But you can only deny the truth for so long. The Night Before the Fellowship’s Departure… Mac: And all through the house, not a creature was stirring…not even a mouse. Jess sat sulking in the Hall of Fire. Boromir had finally convinced her to sing in public, but she was really regretting it. Quatre (to Erik): 9a? Erik: Now you’re catching on. Boromir grinned at her and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. Jessica was wearing a deep red gown Mac: Seriously, I thought this chick had a thing against dresses! and her hair was swept away from her face in an elegant up-do with two strands of hair framing her face. Jareth: Do we care? Erik: Sign 10—over description of clothing and hairstyles. Elrond stood up and smiled at Jess. “In honor of the departure of the Fellowship, Lady Jessica has agreed to honor us with a song." Mac: And everyone ran out of the hall. Jess stood up reluctantly and cleared her throat. Mac: Oh, not this song! This was my junior ring song—she’s ruining a fond memory! Sai: Then SKIP! SKIP! Jess saw Boromir smiling at her out of the corner of her eye and turned bright red. She didn't know why, but having him always staring at her unsettled her a bit. Remus: It is kinda creepy…SKIP! SKIP! I told you, child, you love him. Sul... Jess warned. Mac (as Jess): Stop reading my mind! Remus (as Jess): You’re not my conscience! Erik: SKIP! SKIP! As Jess continued singing, Kate felt Legolas' eyes on her. She blushed and tried to push it away. Mac: Who? Remus: Kate, the other, less important Sue. Mac: Oh yeah. You know, this skipping would be less so if the author didn’t think she was so speshul to ignore the rules where fanfiction.net says no lyrics! SKIP! SKIP! Pippin sat rigid, listening intently to the words of Jessica's song. He was not alone. All around the small hobbit, Elves, Dwarves, hobbits and men were riveted. Erik: Who knew one girl could sound so horrible? Jareth: They had found their torture device against Sauron. Quatre: SKIP! SKIP! Jess let her voice swell as she sang the chorus once more. Mac: Then one last SKIP! Remus: HURRAY! SKIP! Departure of the Fellowship... All: Bye, Fellowship! Mac: Write when you get work! Jess stood looking at the fountain where she and Boromir had had their water fight and sighed. A twig snapped behind her and she turned to see Aragorn smiling at her. "Elrond told me that you would need these," he said, holding up two Elven blades. Mac: Hey, I think this is the first time we’ve seen Aragorn in this fic. Sai: He was better off staying out of it. Erik: Point Sai. Jess instantly recognized the one with gold filigree as Hadhafang, the sword that Arwen had wielded in the film. Mac: You know, it was supposed to be Glorifindel, not Arwen. The other sword was almost identical to Hadhafang, but it had silver filigree. "These are Hadhafang and Celebhith. They once belonged to the Lady Celebrian." Quatre: Who? Mac: Elrond’s wife. She’s far away and safe from this. Sai: Good for her. Jess reverently took the swords from Aragorn and buckled them around her waist. "Thank you. I shall take good care of them." "You really ought to thank Arwen. They are her gift to you." Erik: Mary Sue sign #11… Quatre: Becomes best friends with Arwen. Erik: Yes. Sai: And most likely Eowyn, too. Jess hugged Aragorn before going over to join the other members of the Fellowship. Mac: Chapter’s over! Sai: Finally! That was torture. Quatre: Tell me about it. Mac: Okay, onwards—HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2 is on followed by an episode of Hannah Montana with the Jonas Brothers! We can use it to torture the Death Eaters! *Mac and Quatre runs out, followed by everyone else.* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 16 2008, 12:19 AM Post #5 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"Professions of Love...and Angst" *Everyone walks into the theater* Mac and Quatre (singing): Let’s rock and roll, and just let go/Feel the rhythm of the drums! We’re gonna have fun in the sun… Erik: Will you two stop singing those High School Musical 2 songs? Quatre: Sorry. Jareth: Why did I choose the long fic to spork? Why? Sai: I don’t know why you thought joining us would be fun. Remus: So, what’s this chapter subtitled? Mac: Of Further Songs, Declarations and Snow Others: Oh great. Mac: Let’s begin! Disclaimer: You people know the drill. Sai (Drill sergeant): Left…left…left right left. Drop and give me twenty, Crys Evans! Who here besides Tolkien owns LotR, hmm? Mac: I think you want Peter Jackson since you lean more on the movie than the book. Chapter Five Quatre: Five? Oh man…Mackenzie, I don’t think I’m going to make it. Mac: Maybe I should return that revolver to Buddy then… Jess sat down by the fire in the land of Hollin and moaned as she rubbed her feet. She was developing monstrous blisters and it hurt like heck. All (flatly): Aww, poor baby. "Darned Elves," she muttered darkly as she glared over at Legolas and Kate. It had been four days since the Fellowship had left Rivendell and neither of them had even broken a sweat yet. Gandalf came over to Jess and offered her a small bottle of ointment. Mac: Product placement: Gold Bond. "Put this on your feet and they will feel better." "Thanks," Jess said as she pulled her boots off and began rubbing the ointment over her blisters. To her astonishment, the blisters almost immediately formed into calluses. "Huh. Magic," she muttered as she pulled her boots back on. Mac: Yeah, I don’t think it works like that in Rings world… Remus: In my world, yes. "I'm bored," Pippin complained as he watched Gimli sharpen his axe. "Jess, Kate, would you tell us a story?" Mac: Well, it’s better than asking her to sing them a song. Remus: What story do you think she’ll tell them? Erik (as Jess): And then the Fabio-look-a-like tore off her clothing, revealing… *Mac hits him.* Mac: Not in front of Quatre! VIRGIN EARS! Jess chuckled and launched into the story of Robin Hood. Mac: Not a bad choice. I would’ve done Dickens. Erik: I would’ve done Chaucer. Mac: He never finished. Erik (evilly): Exactly. Pippin listened, entranced, and soon the other members of the Fellowship were gathered around Jessica. Boromir listened with a distant look in his eyes. To him, it seemed as if Jess grew more beautiful with each passing moment. *Remus hands out barf bags* Jess grew more excited as she continued her story, flushing with eagerness as she told the story of how Robin won Maid Marion's hand in marriage. "And then, after King Richard returned to England, Robin and Marion were married and lived happily ever after." Pippin sighed contentedly and threw himself on his blanket. "That was a great story! I wonder why stories here don't end like that." Sai: They probably do, Crys Evans doesn’t want you to know that. Merry shrugged and wrapped his blanket around his shoulders. "I really don't know. But I like the endings of our stories." Remus: Wait, how do their stories end then? Mac: Hobbits? I’d expect with food and drink. Sai: I like that ending. "I do too, Master Merry. But, if you don't mind my saying so, Lady Jessica's stories are much more intriguing than any of ours. What do you think Mr. Frodo?" Remus: Said who? Mac: Mr. Frodo? Sam. Frodo shrugged and lay down. "I don't know. I think Jessica's stories are more-- wholesome than any of ours." Jareth: Not the word I would’ve used, but okay. Jess sighed and lay down to sleep. She was exhausted and her feet were still a little sore. Mac: I guess that ointment didn’t work too well then. Boromir watched her sadly and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. He wanted to tell her how he felt, but something kept holding him back. Mac: The real Boromir trapped inside of this one. Jareth: Point Mac. He sighed and threw a stick into the fire angrily. He would tell her! Erik: And show that stick while he was at it! The Next Day... Jess woke up before the rest of the Fellowship and slipped away to a sheltered area by the stream. Erik: How convenient. Quietly, she slipped her tunic off and scrubbed it in the water. After she had set it out to dry, she cleaned her trousers and undershirt before sliding into the water. Sai: Eww, washing yourself in your laundry water? This feels so good! She thought as she washed her greasy hair. After nearly a half an hour, jess Quatre: Capital! *Mac writes up violation* climbed out of the stream and began drying herself before slipping into her trousers and undershirt. Back at the campsite, Boromir woke up and saw that Jess wasn’t anywhere in sight. He was about to panic when he heard her clear soprano voice floating towards him from the stream. Erik: Oh Jonas, not again! Remus: SKIP! Mac and Quatre: I wanna listen to my own heart talking… Erik: Keep singing and SKIP! SKIP! Jess was kneeling beside the river with her hair over her left shoulder and was brushing her brown locks. Quatre: Where did she get the brush? Mac *shrugs*: Sueverse logic? Remus: Oh look, time to SKIP! SKIP! Boromir felt his heart swell with love for this intriguing woman as he watched her slip on her tunic. All: Peeping tom! Mac: Officer, there’s a strange man watching me change. Remus: SKIP! SKIP! Jess closed her eyes and began braiding her hair. This song was one of the few that described how hopeless she felt at this time. Mac: Aww, poor girl…SKIP! SKIP! Jess spun around, her eyes still closed and sighed heavily before continuing the song. Erik: SKIP! SKIP! Jess stopped spinning and gasped when she saw Boromir. Her cheeks turned bright red and she quickly grabbed her things and would have run back to the campsite if Boromir had not grabbed her wrist. Mac: Officer, also arrest this man for unlawful imprisonment! “I swear, I didn’t see anything. I heard you singing and came to see if you were all right. That’s all.” Sai (as Boromir): I thought there was a cat dying! Jareth: Point Sai! “It’s just…” Jess paused before continuing. “I trust you, but-- I don’t like having people listen to me when I sing. It-- I feel so self-conscious.” Erik: And you sang before a whole hall because…? Mac: Suethor has no consistency. Remus: Well, in all fairness, Jessica was a bit nervous last chapter. “Why? You are a beautiful, talented woman. You have nothing to be self-conscious about.” Jess turned bright red. “Do you really believe that?” Remus: Not really. He’s only written to believe that. “Yes,” Boromir said firmly. Here goes nothing. “Jess, I love you. I have for some time now, and I always will.” Mac: Wow, hey, Remus, how long did it take you to fall in love with Tonks? Remus: Not that quickly. Jess looked up sharply, her eyes wide with astonishment. Sai: Oh come on! We already know you are just some self-insert, you know he’s going to fall in love with you. “You—love me?” No! her mind screamed. He isn’t supposed to fall in love with anyone! All: No shit! He’s going to die! Mac: Yeah, somehow, I doubt that. “Very much,” Boromir whispered, gently stroking her cheek. Erik *throws up* Mac: Yeah, didn’t expect you to be the first to break. “I-- I…” Jess stopped and broke away from Boromir. This wasn’t supposed to happen! Sai: Yes, we’ve already established that, Suethor. She wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him! Mac: Don’t lie, of course she was! That’s what Mary-Sues do! Boromir stood, dumbfounded, watching Jessica’s retreating figure. Then, as the conversation seemed to sink in, the Gondorian felt his heart break. All: Aww, poor Boromir. Jess did not love him. Mac: Oh please, can we not draw this out? We know they love each other, this is pointless drama. Remus: Please, this is the only drama! Erik: Point Werewolf. Caradhras… Quatre: Bu-dunk! Mac: Wow, we hadn’t had one of those in a while. Quatre: I know. Jess trudged through the snow, trying to forget that Boromir was only two feet behind her. Stupid snow, stupid story, stupid life! she though angrily. Mac: You know, I agree with two of the three. Suddenly, the wind began howling around her. Sul? What’s wrong? A dark power calls to me. I cannot fight it, child. Forgive me. Mac: Wait, there’s a darker power than Sue? What? Suddenly, Jess heard a fell voice. Remus: What’s a fell voice? *Others shrug* Crap! “Get down!” Jess shouted. “I’ll deal with this!” Erik (as others): Umm, look, no offense, but we don’t trust you. Mac (as Kate): I trust you, Sis. Erik (as others): Our point! Sul, whatever fell power has gained control of you, fight it! I’m sorry. Mac (as Sul): You are the greater evil. Fight it!! Men: NO! Mac: Exclamation point abuse violation! Finally, Jess’ will proved stronger than that of the fell voice. All: Aww man… Exhausted, Jessica fell to her knees. Boromir hurriedly lifted her in his arms and placed her on Bill’s back. Mac: The poor pony. Quatre: Cruelty to animals! “I can walk!” she snapped angrily. Mac: Ooh, sister’s fierce! “I just need to rest for a short time!” Kate and Legolas exchanged amused grins and Pippin fought down mad giggles as he watched the fiery woman berate the future Steward of Gondor. Erik: Mary Sue Sign…oh I’ve lost count…but she has just been defined as fiery! Quatre: They all are? Mac: Pretty much. “You have drained your energy,” Boromir said coolly. “You need rest.” “I am not made of porcelain!” Jess practically shrieked. “I can stand.” To prove her point, she slid off of the pony and began marching pointedly and determinedly forward. Gandalf turned so that no one would see his grin. Remus: Because Jess was limping heavily. Everything was working out beautifully. Time was all that was needed. Sai: And then the poison Gandalf put in the ointment would finally work. As the Fellowship continued to trudge through the snow, Jess eventually fell back until she was behind the four hobbits, with Boromir right behind her. Jareth( as Jess): Stop stalking me! Kate was walking lightly on the snow nearby, with Legolas a short distance ahead. Seeing the ease with which her sister walked did nothing to temper Jess’ foul mood. Feeling especially evil, Mac: More so than usual? Jess reached out and pulled Kate down into the snow. Jareth: Amateur. Time seemed to stop as the other members of the Fellowship stared at the two sisters. Erik (as Fellowship): CAT FIGHT! Hazel eyes blazing, Kate grabbed a handful of snow and shoved it down Jess’ tunic. With a yelp, Jess threw a snowball at her sister. Kate ducked and the snowball hit the back of Legolas’ head. Mac: Uh oh. Jess clamped a hand over her mouth in horror as the Elf turned to look at her. Very slowly, Legolas bent down and gathered a handful of snow. After he had painstakingly packed the snow into a sphere, he threw it. Erik: Oh come on, it can’t take that much to make a snowball! Jess ducked and the cold missile his Boromir in the face. Growling, the Gondorian threw his own snowball at the Elf, who ducked and the snow hit Aragorn’s neck. Remus: You know, this is playing like a bad sitcom scene. The Ranger spun around and threw a snowball in the direction of where the snowball had come from. It hit Frodo, who fell back in surprise. “Enough of this foolishness!” Gandalf shouted. Sai: Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Quatre: Someone has some sense. He was hit by nearly twenty snowballs as the Hobbits, Jess and Kate threw their entire arsenal at him. Nearly thirty minutes later, breathless from laughter, the Fellowship continued on their journey. Mac: Chapter’s over. Erik: Is that High School Musical on again? Mac: Duh—it’s the Disney channel! *All leave* Next chapter, a new victim...er, guest...joins our sporkers! |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 17 2008, 02:17 AM Post #6 |
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Resident Time Lady
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This chapter we meet a guest spoker, Buddy--the alter of a friend of mine. "Tolkien is Definitely Spinning in His Grave" *All, sans Jareth, enter the theater* Mac: Where’s Jareth? Sai: I dunno and I don’t care. Mac: Sai… Remus: I think I have to agree. Erik: We have a message. Mac: Oh Jonas… *Voldemort’s face appears on the screen* Voldy: Hello, prisoners! All (flatly): Hello, Voldemort. Voldy: How are we today? All (flatly): Fine. Voldy: I’m sure you noticed Jareth is not among you. He needed to go back to the Goblin City. Something about judging a Miss Goblin contest. Erik: I’d rather be doing that now than this. Voldy: Anyway, I’ve decided to bring you a guest sporker for this chapter. Because I am… All (flatly): A merciful master. Voldy: Right. Mac, I think you know this person. Mac: What? Is it Buddy? *Buddy appears* Buddy: Where am I? Voldy: You are my slave for this chapter. Buddy:…aren’t you dead? Voldy: Shh…you haven’t read book 7 yet. *Voldemort disappears* Mac: Welcome to the torture chamber. Shall we begin? Remus: Might as well. What’s this chapter called? Mac: Of Darkness, Death and Admissions Erik: Sounds encouraging. Chapter Six Mac: Geese a-laying! The next day, the fell voice returned. Erik: It just could not stay away. Buddy: Kill 'em all, end the fic! This time, Jess’ will did not prove strong enough. All: Aww, too bad. The Fellowship was on the ledge that had become so famous in fanfictions Buddy: Ouch. She actually defines locations based on other fanfics, not by, y'know, the original work. Mac: Er, what ledge is that? Remus: I don’t know. I tend to steer clear of fanfictions. Sai: Yeah, because he’s tired of being paired with Sirius. when the voice came back. Jess growled in frustration and clambered Erik: Word she wanted? Mac: Unfortunately, yes on top of the snow. The others watched in astonishment as she did so. For one moment, they did not see a travel-worn mortal, but an elegant Elf-maid clad in white. Mac: Wait? Elegant? Then no, she did not want clamber. Clamber describes climbing that is not elegant, but more of the travel-worn mortal. "Sul, I told you: fight this voice!" Jess shouted in Elvish. Buddy (as Jess): How many times do I have to remind you? And I told you to clean your room! Mac: Look, what kind? Quenya or Sindarin? Kate stared at her older sister in astonishment. Since when does she speak Elvish? Buddy: Since she's a Mary Sue. *Mac opens mouth, Remus covers it* Remus: We know, we know. "Losto Caradhras, sedho, hodo, nuitho i 'ruith!1" All: Huh? Buddy: One Adam ten, we've got an accidental one in a series of exclamation points, requesting SWAT team. Mac: Translation’s at the bottom. Footnotes don’t transfer to Fanfiction.net’s HTML code. All: Oh. Buddy: Aww, but I really wanted to send the SWAT team after her... The mountain responded with a great crashing sound. Quatre: BOOM! "Kehmen! Hear my voice! Be still!" Sai (as Kehmen): No, you didn’t say the magic word. But nothing could stop the wrath of Caradhras. Legolas pulled Jess back just as the avalanche started. All: DARN IT! Buddy (as Boromir): Dammit, Legolas, you got it backwards! You were supposed to push her into the avalanche! Snow was everywhere. Sai: Water, water everywhere! But not a drop to drink. Erik: Somehow, that’s fitting. It was in Kate's tunic, Erik: She’s being molested by snow. Mac (covering Quatre’s ears): ERIK! in her boots, and in her hair. "Cold! So very, very cold!" she gasped when she resurfaced. Mac: Wait, I thought they escaped the avalanche? Erik: Either way, they survived. Jess surfaced, shivering and exhausted. Boromir offered her his arm, but she pulled away proudly. "We cannot stay here! Buddy (as Raoul Duke): This is Bat Country! This will be the death of the Hobbits!" Boromir shouted over the wind. "We must go back down the mountain, make for the Gap of Rohan, and take the west road to my city!" Erik (as Boromir): And then, you know, maybe see my dad, give him a certain ring… Mac: But he’s not like that in this story…yet…I think… "The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!" Aragorn responded. Mac: Hi, Aragorn! For some reason, I keep forgetting you are in this story! "If you cannot go over a mountain," Gimli coughed, "let us pass under it. Let us go through the Mines of Moria." "Let the Ring-bearer decide," Gandalf said. Erik: This seems very…rehashed. Buddy (as Frodo): We'll just follow the script for a little while... Quatre: Crys, plagiarism is a no-no. Kate put a reassuring hand on Frodo's shoulder. The poor hobbit had such a heavy burden on his shoulders. "We will go through the mines." Mac (ala Seven Dwarves): Heigh ho! Heigh ho! It’s off to certain doom we go! Mac, Sai and Quatre: Heigh ho! The Doors of Durin... Erik: Are a bad cover band. Jess lounged on a log, watching Gandalf in amusement as he tried to open the doors. Kate sighed heavily and pulled her hood over her face. Pippin yawned and began tossing stones into the lake with Merry. "Oh! It's useless!" Gandalf muttered, throwing down his staff in defeat. "How much longer d'ya think it'll take before he figures it out?" Jess muttered lazily. Buddy: Oh for cryin' out loud! You're raping canon enough already, you can't help them out with a few spoilers? COME ON! Kate chuckled and shrugged. "I'd say about two minutes." "It's a riddle!" Frodo muttered. Mac: Another one? I thought To—*ominous thunder*--I mean Voldemort was the last! "You owe me two bucks," Jess chuckled. "When did we make that arrangement?" Kate demanded, standing up slowly. "'Speak "friend" and enter!' Mac: Amigo! Erik: Ami! Remus: Amico! Quatre: Mate! Sai: Vriend! Buddy: Freund! What's the Elvish word for 'friend'?" "Mellon," Legolas, Gandalf, Kate, Aragorn, and Jess said at the same time. The doors opened instantly. "I am gonna seriously need a vacation after all this," Jess muttered as they entered the mines. Buddy: You and me both. Mac: Amen to that. "Soon, Master and Mistress Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves," Gimli bragged. Mac: All you have to do is clean and do other chores like that. Kate and Legolas exchanged bored glances, but the Elf barreled on. "Roaring fires, malt beer, ripe meat off the bone!" Buddy: The elf barreled on? I believe you mean the dwarf barreled on. Quatre: Suethors have no consistency. Jess made a gagging sound and began grabbing her throat as if she was choking. Buddy: If only she really were choking... Sai: I think you’ll fit in just fine around here. "This is the home of my cousin, Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!" Buddy: I wish it were a mine field. "This is no mine," Boromir said quietly, gripping Jess' arm tightly. "It’s a tomb!" Buddy: dum dum DUM! Mac: And once again, we’ve resorted to the script. Way to be original, Suethor. Jess began backing up when she suddenly felt something wet gripping her leg. *Buddy opens mouth but Mac punches him in the arm* Buddy: Ow! What was that for? Mac: Not in front of Quatre! Buddy: But how did you know I was going to- Mac: I know you. Buddy: Point Mac. Oh no, not... Jess screamed as she felt the tentacle pull her into the air. Mac: It’s the Watcher! Remus (half asleep): Wotcher? Erik: No, and go back to bed. Boromir spun around in horror and pulled his sword from its sheath. Kate shouted her sister's name and pulled out her bow. Jess screamed again as an arrow shot past her and hit the creature. Boromir hacked at the tentacle that held Jess and caught her when the creature released her. Mac (as Jess): That was fun! Can we do that again? "Thanks," Jess gasped. "You are welcome." "Hurry!" Aragorn yelled. Buddy (as Aragorn): We don't have time, use a contraction! Mac: Point Buddy! Jess hopped out of Boromir's arms and ran into the mines, only to be crushed by her sister. "Oh my gosh! Are you ok? I was so scared!" Buddy (as Kate): You were the one in real danger, but I was so scared! "Aside from the fact that you're crushing the life outta me, I'm fine." Buddy: Keep going, don't stop! CRUSH HER! "Oh, sorry," Kate said, quickly releasing her sister. Buddy: Ah, dammit. Mac: You know, I almost feel sorry for Kate. I mean, she’s obviously just a poorly written second character, like the other members of the fellowship. She’s probably just around because Crys Evans couldn’t decide if she wanted to please the Boroluster or Legoluster inside her. Sai: But she’s still a Sue. Mac: Why do you think I said “almost”? "We now have but one choice," Gandalf said, lighting his staff. "No duh Sherlock!" Jess growled angrily. Sai (as Gandalf): We must kill the Sue. Mac (as Jess): No du---waitaminute! "We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world." Mac: Things such as MARY SUES! Buddy: Hey, Mary Sues! Why don't ya warn them about the bucket that's gonna get knocked down the well? The Balrog? No? Ok, it was just an idea... might have saved you some time, and y'know, Gandalf. Mac: I think it’s been established that Boromir is going to be the one saved in this fic. Sai: Spoiler alert? Deep in Moria... Mac (Animal Planet): Dwells the rare Mary Sueus. Do not disturb them—they are vicious! "I hate the dark!" Jess shouted. Erik: Get a night light! The others turned sharply and stared at her in shock. "Well, it's the truth," she said guiltily. Mac: It’s not that much of an uncommon fear. Remus: I think it was more of Jess’ choice to announce it to the world. "Why don't you sing something?" Sam piped up. Mac: No, Sam, why did you have pop into this story just to suggest that? "I'll just want to sing something dark," Jess warned. "Your voice would make any song beautiful," Boromir said softly. *Remus hurls* Mac: It was only time. *Passes out barf bags. Turns to Buddy* You’re going to need this. "All right," Jess sighed. Buddy: This is it, isn't it? What you were warning me about... Mac: Yes. Buddy: It's more horrifying than I ever imagined... SKIP! SKIP! Boromir watched Jess in astonishment. She once more looked like an Elf. Her hair fell back over her shoulders, revealing pointed ears, and her complexion was flawless. Buddy: Or she could just be a Vulcan. Mac: With that kind of logic? Sai: Point Mac. Quatre: Oh Jonas, it’s a Makeover!Sue! Erik: Who cares, SKIP! SKIP! Jess stood and let her voice grow louder. She felt the need to fill the entire hall with her voice. Remus: SKIP! SKIP! Gandalf closed his eyes and began meditating. There was something about Jessica that was calling to Sauron. Buddy: She's a double-agent! Kill her! He needed to find out what it was. Buddy: It's 'cause she's a Mary Sue! Sai: SKIP! SKIP! Jess’ voice grew more desperate as she sang the final chorus. Mac: Last SKIP! SKIP! Mac: You know, I liked that song before the Mary Sues turned it into their anthem. Jess sighed and prepared to go to sleep. Boromir gently put his hand on her shoulder, stopping her. “Who hurt you so much that you must express it through such songs?” Buddy (as Jess): Well, me and dad were out in the tool shed once, and he- *Mac punches Buddy in the arm* Buddy: Ow! Mac: Quatre. Buddy: I know, but at least vary where you hit me... my arm hurts. Jess pulled away from him, more out of embarrassment than anger. “No one has hurt me. Buddy: That's right, Jess, live in denial. Mac: It’s her favorite place. Right, Quatre? Quatre: Yep! I simply find it easier to express my feelings through song.” Boromir did not believe her, but let the matter drop. Soon, all but Legolas, who had the first watch, were asleep. Mac: Wait, do Elves sleep? Jess’s sleep was undisturbed for hours, but then, just as Legolas was about to wake Aragorn, she began tossing and turning wildly. Mac: So, she’s a thrasher. I tend to move around when I sleep. Sai: Yes, and she kicks. *Mac looks at him* Mac: How do you know that? *Sai doesn’t answer, but blushes* Concerned, Legolas went over to her and tried to quiet her Quatre (as Legolas): Shh! You’ll wake everyone up! but she only became more violent in her thrashings. Suddenly, she began screaming as if in agony. The others were up instantly. Gandalf leapt to his feet and clamped his hand over her mouth. “Aragorn, hold her legs! Boromir, pin her arms!” *Mac punches Buddy in the arm* Buddy: Hey! I didn't do anything that time! Mac: Sorry, reflex. Erik: Can you stay? I’m her usual punching bag. *Mac punches him too* The two men obeyed, trying to reduce Jess’ movements without hurting her. Jess continued screaming against Gandalf’s hand and tried to kick out. Kate clung to Legolas in fear and the hobbits huddled close to each other. “What’s happening?” Merry squeaked. Erik: The Mary Sue has gone mad. Mac: Let’s watch! Buddy: She's possessed! Get Father Karras! Gandalf looked into Jess’ face and recoiled in shock. Her eyes were now wide open, but they were completely transparent. “She is having a vision.” Mac: Oh no! She’s also a Vision!Sue! Erik: I’m starting to like Kate more and more. Buddy (as Gandalf): Alright, who slipped her the peyote? Vision… Mac: Quick! Cue the wavy effect used for dreams and visions! Jess knew that Sauron was searching for her, and she was scared. She huddled against a stone wall and whimpered in fright. I see you. *Mac starts laughing hysterically. Everyone looks at her.* Mac: How LOTR Should Have Ended? *Mac and Buddy laugh* Jess began to cry as a lidless eye wreathed in flame came into view. There is no escape for you. Mac: Finally! The Sue’s destruction is upon us! Erik: Pass out the popcorn! “Go away! Go back to the abyss from which you sprung!” Jess sobbed. Mac (as Jess): Stop tormenting me! I’m reacting like a seven-years-old being teased on the playground. Evil laughter filled the air, sending shivers down Jess’ spine. What authority can you claim, child? Erik (as Jess): Mary Sue authority? Mac: I’m sensing a Godspell reference coming on…*rummages for script*…ah, Well, I have a question to ask you. Answer it and then I’ll tell you by whose authority I act. The baptism of John; was it from God or was it from man? “That of the elements,” Jess said in a steadier voice. Mac (to Buddy): Are you thinking what I am thinking? Buddy: I think so. Earth! Mac: Fire! Buddy: Wind! Mac: Water! Buddy and Mac: Heart! GO PLANET! Buddy: By your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN PLANET! The evil laughter filled the air once more. I do not fear you; you are nothing more than a frightened girl! Erik: Uh, Sauron, I think you mean “Mary Sue”. Jess gasped as she saw an image of Boromir and Kate. They are important to you. Do not deny it; I can see your mind. Erik (as Sauron): Oh, the images! It burns, it burns! It would be a shame if anything should happen to them. “No!” Jess screamed. Suddenly, she felt a burning pain throughout her body and began writhing uncontrollably. “No! Stop!” she sobbed. All: No, continue! At last, the pain ended. All: DAMMIT! Jess curled up into a ball and cried softly. This is not over, child. We shall meet again. Buddy (singing): Some sunny day! Erik: Oh, he’s just warming up. Keep the popcorn out! End Vision… Mac: Cue the wavy effect again! Boromir watched Jess in fear. His heart ached with every scream that burst from her lips. *Remus hurls again* Kate felt tears stinging her eyes as she watched her sister. Why is Jess having visions? Erik: Seriously, do I have to spell it out for you? Buddy (as Kate): Why am I the forgotten Mary Sue? Finally, Jess stopped twitching and screaming. She closed her eyes and tears glistened on her cheeks. Gandalf gently stroked her forehead and sighed. Mac and Quatre: Aww. Buddy (Gandalf): I promise next time we will give her enough to kill her... “She is physically drained. She will remain unconscious for some time. All (as Fellowship): HUZZAH! Boromir, I am afraid you shall have to carry her.” Erik (as Boromir): Can’t we just drag her instead? Gently, Boromir lifted Jess off of the ground and cradled her in his arms. To the surprise of all those present, Mac: Except for us. Jess’ eyes fluttered open. Slowly, she reached up to touch the Gondorian’s face. Tears were in her eyes and she quickly buried her face in his chest. “I am sorry,” she whispered before slipping out of Boromir’s arms and walking down the path. Sai: Chances she’ll slip and fall into an abyss? Erik: Slim. The rest of the journey through Moria was a blur to Jess. She often had short visions. Most of them involved Boromir, but she ignored them. Mac: Oh, honey, those aren’t visions. Erik: They’re wet— *Mac hits him* Finally, the Fellowship reached Balin’s tomb. “Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Sai: Fundin? That is seriously this guy’s name? Mac: There’s a joke somewhere in that. Lord of Moria. It is as I feared,” Gandalf muttered. Jess bowed her head in respect for the dead. Buddy: Despite the fact that she could have warned them about that. Suddenly, a loud clanging sound rang through the room. Sai: It was the dwarves’ Mary Sue alarm. Everyone turned to see a very guilty-looking Pippin beside a well. Gandalf marched over to Pippin and grabbed his hat and staff from the hobbit. “Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!” All: Aww, we like him! Erik: How ‘bout we throw the Sue in instead? All: Okay! Buddy: She could have warned them about that,too. Suddenly, the sound of drums reached the Fellowship. Buddy (as Pippin): We've woken Keith Moon's ghost! RUN! “Orcs!” Legolas exclaimed. “Thank you for that, Captain Obvious!” Jess shouted as she unsheathed her swords. Mac: You know, he’s only Captain Obvious because the movie gave him those lines. Remus: In other words, STOP QUOTING THE MOVIE! Mac: Weren’t you asleep? Remus: The dwarves’ Mary Sue alarm woke me up. Kate glared at her sister as she pulled out her bow. Boromir ran to the door of the chamber and pulled back sharply as two arrows thunked into the wood. Jess nearly stopped breathing when she saw this, but quickly shook it off. “They have a cave troll,” Boromir reported dryly. Mac: Seriously, this all just as it was in the movie. I’m tempted to skip the next part. Sai: Oh, can we? Soon, the room was swarming with orcs. Jess spun around gracefully, her swords performing a deadly dance. Katelyn’s bow sang, ripping through the enemy ranks with great power. Jess felt strangely at ease in battle; until she felt a searing pain in her thigh and calf. Erik: Where’s the popcorn? With a grunt of pain, Jess fell to the floor, her swords spinning away from her hands. Remus: Could this be it? She looked down at her leg and gulped when she saw an arrow protruding from her thigh and a large gash in her calf. Sai: Our prayers might just be answered. Trying not to faint, Jess snapped off the end of the arrow and pushed it through her leg. Mac: No, give in. Head towards the light! Gritting her teeth against the pain, she ripped off two long strips of cloth from the hem of her tunic and wrapped them around the wounds. Then, a quiet darkness came over her. All: WOOT! Good-bye, Mary Sue! Boromir saw Jess collapse and rushed to her side, picking up her swords and sliding them into their respective sheaths. Erik (as Boromir): Well, can’t let these good weapons go to waste. Then, as Gandalf shouted for the others to make for the Bridge of Khazad-dum, he lifted her in his arms and ran behind the others. All: DAMMIT! Remus: Stop being noble, Boromir! Jess came to with a jolt when Boromir leapt over the break in the stairs and clutched his tunic tightly. *Erik puts away the popcorn* Her eyes were wide with fear as she stared down into the black abyss that lay beneath the Bridge. Mac: Capital violation! She had always denied having a fear of heights, saying that it was more of a “healthy respect”. Well I’ve been lying to myself, Buddy (as Jess): My life is a lie! she thought dryly as she continued to cling to Boromir. Outside of Moria… Mac: We skipped a scene. I think we should be grateful. She probably would’ve quoted the movie. Just to let everyone know—Gandalf fell fighting the Balrog. Jess sobbed into Boromir’s shoulder. She knew that Gandalf would come back, but that did not lessen the pain of his loss. Remus: Hey, maybe you should share that information. Gently, Boromir stroked her hair and shifted her in his arms. Aragorn saw them and motioned for the Gondorian to put Jess down. Erik: If he couldn’t cuddle Arwen, no one could cuddle! Once she was on the ground, Aragorn cleaned and bound her wounds. Buddy: No, amputate the leg and leave her! Assured that she was taken care of, the Ranger went about getting the others up. Kate was sobbing into Legolas’ chest as the Elf stroked her hair. Legolas felt sorry for the girl, but he also felt assured of how deeply he loved her. *Erik and Remus hurl* Lothlorien… Quatre: Bu-dunk! “The Dwarf breathed so loud we could have shot him in the dark.” Jess snorted humorlessly, causing Haldir to look at her sharply. “Who are you?” he demanded imperiously. Mac: Poor Haldir, I don’t think he was that stuck-up in the book. “I am Jessica, and this is my sister Katelyn,” Jess responded in the same tone. Haldir’s eyes widened alarmingly. “The Lady of the Wood has been waiting for you.” Sai (as Haldir): With a sword. Jess rolled her eyes. “Hasn’t everybody?” Buddy: Especially the lawyers for a Mr. Jackson and the estate of a Mr. Tolkien. “My brother Rumil shall escort you to the Lady,” Haldir continued. Mac: Wow! Someone who WASN’T in the movie! Quatre: Cool. A tall Elf with a very long bow stepped forward and gently took Jessica from Boromir’s arms. Kate squeezed Legolas’ hand before following the Elf. “Honestly, I can walk!” Jess protested loudly. Erik: Yeah, what is with all the men carrying her around? Mac: Mary Sues break easily. Boromir shook his head in amusement. Jessica would never change. Sai: Unfortunately. Caras Galadhon... Quatre: Bu-dunk! Mac: So, after Briscoe—who is just awesome—which Law and Order detective would you like to see take this Mary-Sue down? My vote’s on Stabler. Sai: Eh, Goren. Remus: Logan. Erik: Benson. Buddy: Green. "Welcome, Jessica and Katelyn, to Lothlorien." The two sisters bowed low as Galadriel came down the steps to greet them. The Elf-queen smiled and lifted them to their feet. "Come now, you are distantly related to me. I will not have you bow before me." All: Oh gods… "We're what?" Kate asked, dumbfounded. Mac: Poor Kate, now she has to look stupid. Galadriel turned to Jess with a smile. Does she not know? Jess shook her head. No, lady, Elrond believed it would be best if you told her. Wait... you can hear my thoughts too?! Buddy (as Jess): Oh god, don't think about the tool shed, don't think about the tool shed... *Mac writes up yet another exclamation point abuse violation* Galadriel laughed merrily. Yes, child. Like the elements that you have befriended, we need not communicate through speech. Buddy (as Galadrial): And as for your father, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone using a weed-whacker for- *Mac punches him* Mac: Oh, poor Galadriel. Remus: You think someone who could resist the power of the One Ring could resist the power of the Suethor. Jess gulped. Well, in that case, I'm grateful that you don't look like Cate Blanchett. She did not do a good portrayal of you. Galadriel smiled before turning to Kate. Erik: Wait, how does Galadriel know what Jess is talking about? "You and your sister are pure descendants of the House of Elros on your mother's side." Remus: Must we sit through all this, again? "The House of who?" Jess rolled her eyes and sighed. "Elrond is one of two brothers. Not twins like Elladan and Elrohir, but brothers. Mac: Wait, I thought they were twins. Because they are descendants of Luthien and Beren, their entire bloodline can choose mortality or immortality. That's what they were talking about in the movies with Arwen choosing Aragorn over Valinor." Mac: You think if I concentrate hard enough, I can will the “SKIP” button to light up? Galadriel smiled approvingly and motioned for Jess to continue. "Elros chose mortality, and his descendants are the royal house of Numenor. But, that was only the descendants of his second son, Vardamir. Remus: Vladmir? The line of Elros is Russian? His eldest son, Beren, left Middle-earth and went to our world. Mac: Okay, Vardamir… Remus: It’s a real name? Mac: Yes. Vardamir is Elros’ eldest son. Manwendil was his second son. Buddy: Manwendil? Mac: Don't look at me, I didn't write it. Mom's family is the only remaining Elven bloodline on Earth." Kate's eyes were wide with shock. "How do you know all this and I don't?" Mac (as Jess): Because I’m obviously the author’s self-insert. You’re just the Legoluster. Sai (as Jess): Because I’m more speshul than you. "Elrond told me before we left Rivendell. I wanted to tell you, but Elrond said it would be best if we waited until Galadriel could tell you." Kate looked at Galadriel in confusion. "What else do I need to know?" "Your sister is destined to face Sauron before the final battle. *All facepalm* *Buddy whistles the theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly* If her will and powers are strong enough, then Frodo will succeed. You, on the other hand, are destined to guide the Fellowship and choose between the immortal life of the Elves and the mortal life of Men." "What powers?" Kate demanded, turning on her sister. Erik: You mean you haven’t noticed? Man, the author really doesn’t like you to make you so stupid. "I can communicate with the elements and utilize them." Kate groaned loudly. "I say again: this is a cheesy fanfiction! Erik: Well, maybe not that stupid. This is worse than all the stuff on your account!" Sai: Wait, there’s more? Oh gods… Jess shrugged guiltily. "Not my fault. I can't control whether or not we're born when Earth and Middle-earth are aligned!" Remus: Stop pretending! We know you are the author and yes you can! Shaking her head, Jess looked at Galadriel. "Elrond said that we would be able to prevent a tragedy. Erik: Too late, you’ve already written this fic. Remus: Point Erik. I know that you have the gift of foresight and most likely know of Boromir's passing. Is that what we are supposed to stop?" Galadriel smiled. "Yes. In your world, Middle-earth is nothing more than the product of an over-active imagination. Sai: I think that is quite disrespectful to Tolkien. Mac: This whole thing is disrespectful to Tolkien. Tolkien, however, did know of Middle-earth. Erik: Wait, I know Crys isn’t the queen of consistency…but…damn. He did not know of the prophecy concerning you two. Therefore, his story concerning the eldest son of Denethor is false." Mac: How convenient. Later... Jess grimaced slightly as she stepped out of a hot bath. Her leg was still sore, but the Elves had tended it well. Buddy: Unknown to her, the elves had actually put a slow-working poison on the wound's dressing. Gingerly, Jess pulled on a dark blue gown that had been laid out for her. Mac: Yeah, I give up. Go ahead, supposed-dress-hating-Sue, where that dress! I don’t care! Suddenly, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. "Oh-- my—gosh!" Buddy (as Jess): The elves tattooed “Mary Sue” on my forehead! One Earth, Jess had been five foot five, over-weight, large-chested, and only a little pretty. Remus: Oh, boohoo. Mac: I seriously smell a Makeover!Sue. The girl who stared at her from the mirror was quite different. She was five foot seven, slender (probably not even 120 pounds), Mac: Holy underweight! I’m 5’5 and at 120 pounds, I’m constantly walking a fine line of “healthy” and “underweight” had long brown curls with strands of copper, size B chest, had pointed ears, and was downright gorgeous. *Everyone hands Mac a five dollar bill* Mac: I told you it was a Makeover!Sue. "That cannot be me!" Buddy: You're right, it's not! Jess gasped. It is your Elven heritage revealing itself. Your hour draws near, Galadriel's voice said. Sai (as Jess): Get out of my head! You are the image of Luthien Tinuviel. "I thought that was Arwen," Jess chuckled. Mac: It is. Arwen resembles her in body, but you have the same spirit and personality. Mac: Gag me with a spoon! Now come, your friends are in the city. Jess gulped. "Even-- Boromir?" Yes, child. The future Steward is here as well. Galadriel paused for a moment. You care greatly for him, don't you? Erik: A blind man can see she does. "Yes, I do," Jess replied. "I just couldn't accept it. But, after hearing that I was destined to save him, I know that I love him." All: FINALLY! Buddy: I can't take it anymore... *Buddy reaches over and grabs the revolver from Mac, puts it under his chin and pulls the trigger* CLICK! *Buddy swings the cylinder open frantically* Mac (holding up the bullets): Missing something? Buddy: Damn... Then you must tell him, child. If you delay, he may not accept your love as he would have before. Erik: Yeah, somehow, I doubt that. In The Audience Chamber... The remaining members of the Fellowship bowed low in respect as Galadriel and Celeborn entered the chamber. Then, they gasped in astonishment. Behind the Elf-queen stood Kate and Jess. Remus (as Fellowship): Damn, I thought we had gotten rid of them. Kate wore a gown of pale pink silk and her honey brown hair was pulled away from her face in an elegant bun. In sharp contrast, Jess was clad in dark blue silk with her dark brown locks loose over her shoulders. Mac: Don’t care. Boromir felt his lungs stop functioning as he stared at the elder of the two sisters. Legolas tried to tear his eyes away from Katelyn, but failed miserably. Galadriel watched all of this with amusement. The son of Denethor does truly love you, child. And the Prince of Mirkwood is quite taken with your sister. All: NO DUH, GALADRIEL! Buddy: And cue script quote! "The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the company is true. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight you will sleep in peace," Galadriel said. Jess and Kate stepped forward and led their friends down to the pavilions that had been set up for their convenience. Legolas watched Katelyn closely and followed her when she left, Remus and Mac: Male Stalker! but Jess stayed with the others. When she got up the courage, she followed Boromir to the banks of the river. Erik and Sai: Female Stalker! The Gondorian was tossing stones into the river. His expression was dark Quatre: So turn on a light. and Jess began reconsidering her choice. But fate had other ideas. Buddy (as Fate): I'm thinking something in an out-of-character action. A twig snapped loudly under her foot and Boromir spun around in surprise. Jess grinned guiltily and Boromir's expression changed to one of hurt. "Hello," Jess said lamely. Here goes nothing. It's now or never. "Boromir, you told me when we were in Hollin that you loved me." Buddy (as Boromir): Yeah, but I was only saying that to get in your- *Mac hits him in the shoulder* Mac: Quatre! "Yes," the Gondorian said bitterly as he sat on a log, "but you do not return my affections, do you?" Mac: Oh, the manufactured drama. It sucks. Jess moved so that she was sitting beside him and gently forced him to look at her. "I never said that. Erik: Yes, but actions speak louder than words, darling. I was afraid of my own feelings, and your feelings for me. But, with time, I came to better appreciate your love for me. I have never been truly loved by a man before, or loved a man. Then, in Moria, I realized how foolish I had been. Buddy (as whichever self-insert is speaking... ok Kate): I realize now that I'm an awful writer and I should stop right now! Mac: It’s Jess. Buddy: Same difference. I do love you, Boromir." 1 Sleep, Caradhras, be still, lie still, hold your wrath! Mac: Okay…chapter’s over. Thanks for coming, Buddy! Buddy: My pleasure! I think… *All leave* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 18 2008, 02:36 AM Post #7 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"Everybody Loves Everybody" *All enter theater* Mac: So, Jareth, how was the Miss Goblin pageant? Jareth: Compared to this, riveting. How was my replacement? Erik: Not bad. Maybe we can convince Voldemort to bring him back sometime. Jareth: Ahh, so, what did I miss? Quatre: Well, Crys followed the script, Gandalf died, Galadriel ended up Sue-ified, and Jess finally confessed her feelings for Boromir. Oh, and there was more singing. Jareth: In other words, not much. Quatre: Yeah. Mac: All right, let this begin. Remus: And this is? Mac: Further Confessions Chapter Seven Quatre: How many days are in a week, Alex? Jareth (as Alex Trebek): Correct! The Gondorian stared at Jess in shock for a moment before a look of pure joy crossed his face. He gently cupped his hands over her cheeks and looked into her eyes. "Do you really mean it?" Mac (as Jess): No, April Fool’s! Remus (as Boromir): Aww man, I fall for that every time! Jess nodded, too happy to speak. Boromir's smile widened as he softly kissed her. Remus: Wait, I have to pass out the barf bags. Fortunately, Voldemort keeps us well stocked. *Hands them out* The kiss was not demanding or forceful, just pure. Jess rested her hands on his chest and tilted her head back slightly, deepening the kiss. Erik: You think we should cover Quatre’s eyes? Mac: I’m debating. Boromir buried one of his hands in her hair while he wrapped his other arm around her waist. Finally, Jess pulled away with a sigh and rested her head on his shoulder. Boromir gently ran his fingers through her hair, playing with the thick strands. Suddenly, he paused with his hand over her ear and cocked his eyebrow in confusion. Sai (as Boromir): That’s weird. I thought there was an ear here. Jess laughed and pushed her hair behind her ear, revealing the point. Mac: The point of this story? Erik: It’s pointless. Jareth: I didn’t miss the bad puns. "How did this happen?" Boromir asked. "I don't know," Jess chuckled. "I only found out about it today. Galadriel said it is my heritage revealing itself." Mac: It’s the Makeover!Sue. Jareth: Missed that too. "And-- what is your heritage?" Mac: Greek and Irish! Jareth: Goblin. Erik: French…I think… Quatre: Arabic. Sai: Japanese, but for some reason, I’m British in the dub. Remus: British. "I am a direct descendant of the lost eldest son of Elros," Jess said softly. Mac: Look, stop lying, we’ve proven that is not true. Remus: Maybe Elros had a bastard child? Erik: And that bastard bred Mary Sues? Good Jonas, it all makes sense now. "You are a lady of Ancient Numenor!" he whispered in astonishment. "That changes nothing," Jess said. "I am still mortal, and I still love you." Mac: Aww. *Others either gag or hurl* Boromir gently kissed her forehead before reaching into his tunic and pulled out Mac: NO ONE SAY ANYTHING! *Quatre holds up a sign that says “Please protect my virgin ears. Thanks!”* a silver pendant. Mac and Quatre: Whew! It was in the shape of an oval with a laurel tree in full bloom etched on the surface with diamonds as the blossoms. Mac: Oh, the crest of Gondor. Remus: Did he just brand her? Erik: Why didn’t I think of doing that? Mac: Because you traumatized Christine enough? He placed it around her neck. "This pendant was my mothers. She gave it to me before she died. She told me, 'Boromir, this necklace has been an heirloom of my house for many generations, passed from mother to daughter. Since I have no daughter, I want you to take it and give it to the woman you intend to marry.' I want you to have it." All: Aww, typical cliché. Jess held the pendant reverently and looked up at him with tears of joy in her eyes. "Do you intend to marry me?" she whispered. "Yes," he said. "As soon as this war is over, I will make you my wife if you will have me." *Everyone throws up* Mac: Oh, please spare us, oh Merciful Master! "'If I will have you?' Boromir, I would settle for no one else!" she cried happily as she threw her arms around his neck. Boromir wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her hair. "I love you," he whispered. "I love you too," she responded. *More of before, now mingled with the added hint of maniacal laughter from deep within Malfoy Manor* Meanwhile... Kate could have danced for joy. Now Jess could be happy and stop moping whenever she was near Boromir. Mac: Now we can stop suffering under the weight of the badly manufactured drama! Remus: Unfortunately, now we have to suffer under the weight of horribly sappy romance. But, there was still a sorrow hanging over her heart. Sai: She was still just a poorly written secondary character. Erik: Point Sai. That was the sorrow of Gandalf's loss. Erik: Please, you know the story. You know he’s coming back! Kate began singing softly. All: Aww, man! Jareth: Another one with a good singing voice? Erik: Mary Sue. Remus: In all fairness, she just said she was “singing” not “singing beautifully”. This one could be tone deaf. Erik (more pronounced): Mary. Sue. Mac: And we were starting to sympathesize with you, Kate! Oh well, SKIP! SKIP! Kate closed her eyes and smiled. She could see why Jess loved singing here so much. It felt so relieving. Quatre: Not for us. SKIP! SKIP! Legolas leaned against a mallorn tree, Sai: A what? Remus: I don’t know trees. watching Katelyn. She was so beautiful it hurt him to look at her, but he couldn't pull his eyes off of her. Erik: Oh gag! SKIP! SKIP! Kate began spinning around, feeling like the ballerina she had been for so long before college. Mac: Oh, this one is a talented dancer…joy. Erik: I think I should get Mme. Giry in here, anyone agree? Sai: First, SKIP! Skip! Kate stopped spinning and gasped as she saw Legolas watching her. Blushing furiously, she turned to run, but the Elf grabbed her arm before she could escape. Jareth: Now, I’ve got you! *Evil villain laugh and mustache twirl* "Please, don't go. I'm sorry for upsetting you," he said softly. "I just-- I need to tell you something. Katelyn--" Remus: Oh no, more horribly sappy romance! Mac: Well, the Legoluster part of Crys Evans needed to be satisfied. "Call me Kate or Katie, Legolas. My name's too long to say all the time." Erik: Echoes of the main Mary Sue. Quatre: You just live in Jess’ shadow, Kate. Mac: Point Quatre. Legolas grinned softly. "All right, Katie. I-- Varda, I don't know how to say this. I-- I love you, Kate." *Everyone gags.* Kate rocked back in surprise. "Wh-what?" Sai: Oh please, you are acting just like your sister. Quatre: Shadow, once again. Mac: Just please, don’t draw it out like she did. The manufactured drama, Crys, she sucks! "I love you, Katelyn. I have for some time now, and I need you to know." Kate sighed and looked down at her feet. "I-- I love you too, Legolas. It-- I guess I have loved you from the beginning, but it took your confession for me to see--" *Everyone cheers* Mac: No drama! Remus: It’s beautiful! Legolas gently put his hand over her lips, cutting her off. "It's all right. I am satisfied knowing that my feelings are not in vain." Then, to Kate's utter astonishment, he kissed her. She stiffened *Mac shudders* Remus: More Elf’s Love angst? Mac: Uh-huh. *Remus hugs her while Sai looks murderous* for a moment before returning the kiss. When she finally pulled away, she sighed heavily and smiled at Legolas. "That was my first kiss," she said. *Everybody gags* Legolas' eyes widened in surprise. "Truly? I am surprised. I would think that there would be many young men interested in you." Erik: No, they could all see through her Sue-ness. "Oh, there were; I just wasn't interested in them." She grinned wickedly. Now I see that everything I've read about Elves is true." "And what have you read?" Mac (as Kate): A lot of fanfictions. I can name every tattoo on your body! Jareth (as Legolas): Every what on my WHAT? "That they are wonderful kissers," Kate teased, delighted when Legolas blushed. Erik: Please tell me the chapter is over. Mac: Yes, it is. Erik: Good. CHARGE! *Everyone rushes out of the theatre* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 19 2008, 05:19 AM Post #8 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"The Breaking of the Fellowship. And the Main Sue is Taken by Orcs. Hopefully, They Eat Her." *Peter and Lucius push everyone into the theater then lock and ward the doors* Mac: Damn them all, damn. Remus: They’re death eaters, what did you expect? Push overs? Mac: I didn’t expect Lucius Malfoy to come up with Peter. If it were just Wormtail, we would be having that vacation now. Quatre: I need it. Mac: I know. Sai: Can we just get this over with? Remus: Can you stop being jealous every time Mac talks to one of us? Sai: Shut up. Mac: BOYS! *Both sit* Erik: You’re scary when you’re mad. Mac: C’mon. Of Madness Jareth: Yeah, ours. Mac: and Separation Chapter Eight Mac: Is Enough. Kate entered the talan Sai: The talan? Mac: I don’t know and I don’t care. We’ll just call it the nice padded white room. Remus: I like that. that she and Jess were sharing and smiled when she saw her sister. Jess was brushing out her thick locks and humming "A Whole New World." Mac: Do NOT drag Disney into this. Sai (whispering to Remus): You know if a Suethor mentions Beauty and the Beast one day, we’re all doomed. Remus (whispering back): Yes, I do. Kate walked over to her sister and hugged her. "You finally told him?" she asked, already knowing the answer. Erik: Then why did you ask? Jess nodded with a broad grin and looked up at her sister in the mirror. Kate's cheeks were flushed and her hazel eyes sparkled with joy. Jess patted her sister's hand. "You just had your first kiss, didn't you?" Quatre: She got all that from her sister’s eyes? Remus: That or she was spying on the two. Jareth: I’ll take the latter. Kat blushed and nodded. Jess laughed lightly and squeezed her sister's hands. "Don't worry; I won't tease you about it. Mac: You won’t but we will! *All point and laugh* It's a wonderful feeling, isn't it? Being held by the man you love?" Mac: What do you think boys? Men: Shut up. Kate nodded and kissed the top of her older sister's head. Then, she noticed the pendant around Jess' neck. "What's that?" Jess took the pendant off and handed it to her sister. "It belonged to Boromir's mother. She told him to give it to the woman he intended to marry." Erik (as Kate): And you believed him? Boy, are you a sucker. Kate dropped the pendant in shock and turned her sister around. "He asked you to marry him?" "Yes." Jess looked worried as she answered. "Do you approve?" Mac: She wants her sister’s approval? Jareth: Daddy didn’t love her enough. Erik: Except for that time in the tool shed when… Mac: ERIK! "Approve? If this choice will make you happy, why shouldn't I approve? Boromir will take care of you." Mac (Kate): Provided he doesn’t die like he did in the books and movies. Jess hugged her sister and smiled. "In that case, I approve of your choice." Jareth: The choice…to give her approval? Mac: I think she’s talking about Legolas. *Everyone scratches their heads* The month that the Fellowship spent in Lothlorien was one of bliss for Jess and Kate. Mac and Remus: Of course it was. Sai: Would you two stop that? Mac: Is it bothering you guys? Erik, Jareth and Quatre: Just him. They spent nearly all of their time with either Legolas and Boromir Mac: Gee, wonder why? or the hobbits. Quatre: Why not Aragorn? Mac: He’s a Ranger, he knows how to hide properly. Quatre: Or Gimli? Erik: Oh, that’s easy…he’s not hawt. They taught Merry and Pippin some martial arts, Jareth: Wait, wait, wait…these girls know martial arts? Erik: Guess so? Jareth: Then what do they need swords and bows and arrows for? Mac: “Bonding” while Jess taught Frodo and Sam some of their favorite songs that she sang. All: Wait, what? Mac: Cookie for anyone who can make sense of that sentence. Remus: The English Language is crying. One day, she was humming the song "My Immortal", Erik: Okay, Mackenzie may be our Grammar police, but even I can call a comma violation. Jareth: What is this “My Immortal”? Mac: “Bring Me to Life”—the song from Chapter Six—has a sister song. This is it. Same group. Same fanatic Suethor devotion. and Remus: When! Boromir came up to her. "Jessie, I once asked you who hurt you. Remus (Boromir): Now, I don’t care. You told me that you hadn't been hurt, but the feeling has persisted. What hurt you so much in your world?" *Erik opens his mouth. Mac stuffs a rolled up sock in there, ducks taping it in.* Mac: I’ll take it out when you learn not to talk that way in front of Quatre. Remus: Can we have one chapter where Quatre gets to take a nap and we can be as dirty as we want to be? Sai: And bring back Buddy too! Mac: Will Voldemort allow it? Jess sighed and looked down at the Anduin River. Mac: Let the requisite tragic back story commence! "A long time ago, when I was sixteen, I thought I was in love. Mac: There’s a Sixteen Candles joke in there. Too bad I’ve only seen Pretty in Pink and the Breakfast Club. Go Ducky! He was handsome, smart, athletic, and polite. Remus (gasping): He was a Stu! Quatre: A what? Jareth: Mary Sue’s brother. Quatre: Oh. Mac: I was gonna go with pod person, but Stu works. Remus: Same thing. We spent some time together, and I thought that he felt the same way about me. It turned out that he only wanted a physical relationship." *Erik strains against his gag* Mac: No. Remus: Cliché back story. Sai: Is anything in this story original? Boromir clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. Jess hurriedly put her hand on his, calming him down. "I did not let him violate me. What happened was-- I fought him away from me and-- he struck me. He was arrested for harassment and I went on with my life." Mac (Comic Book Guy): Worse. Tragic. Back story. Ever. She saw that Boromir was still tense and gently kissed him. Sai: Remus, break out the sappy sickness bags! Remus: Sappy sickness bags? "I am fine now, love. I am with you, and that is all that matters." Sai: No, Remus, seriously. Quatre: Please. Boromir kissed her in return and held her close. "I'm sorry, Jess. It's just-- I can't bear the thought of you ever being hurt. I love you too much for that." *Remus quickly hands out the bags* "I know, and I will always be here with you." *All throw up* Departure of the Fellowship... Mac: And everyone hoped it would not sink like that other ship that became a big, blockbuster movie. Galadriel walked over to the sisters and gently kissed their foreheads. Sai (ala 2 yr old): Eww! Cooties! She turned to Kate and pulled out a knife similar to the ones that Legolas had. Mac and Remus: Of course. "This is the blade Gothdagnir. Mac: By Grapthnar’s Hammer, you shall be avenged! Remus: What? Mac: Galaxy Quest. Remus: Uh huh. Mac: Said by the same guy who plays Snape in the movies. *Remus blinks a few times, shakes his head and turns away* 1 Jareth: What’s that? Mac: Oh, footnote. Doesn’t translate. Sai: You missed that too. Jareth: Oh boo-hoo. It will serve you well. I also give you this," she held up a pendant in the shape of a Niphredil blossom, "the pendant of Celebrian." Mac: Funny, I’d think she would’ve kept that when she went across the sea. Kate bowed low and embraced the Elf-queen. Jareth: At the same time? Amazing. Smiling, Galadriel turned to Jess, who curtsied. Still smiling, the Elf-queen lifted Jess to her feet and embraced her. Jareth: Wow, something Kate is more speshul in than Jess. "To you, Valwen2, Remus: It’s much more powerful than Valwen1. Mac: With twice the lameness. I give the sibling blade of Celebhith." Mac: Actually, that sounds like a cool name for a blog about celebrities. She handed Jess a long knife that was identical to Celebhith in all but size. All: Huh? "This is called Celebsigil, Quatre: That would be a good Celebrity blog site name too. Mac: You run one, I’ll run the other. Quatre: This is the only computer though. Mac: We can convince Voldemort blogs are evil. the Silver Dagger. And this," she held out a brooch that greatly resembled the pendant that Katelyn had been given, Remus: It didn’t just resemble Katelyn’s pendant, it GREATLY resembled it. Others: Ooh, ahh, wow. "is magically connected to Katelyn's necklace. It shall also connect your life force and mind to that of your sister. Mac: Yeah, who would want that? Not me. Quatre: Not me. Sai: Nor I. Mac: Oh yeah, you have a sister. *Sai sniffs* If you fear for her safety, simply touch the brooch's surface. It will glow blue if she is safe and green if she is in danger." Remus: And red hot if she and Legolas… *Mac holds up another sock and roll of duct tape* Mac: Don’t even finish that thought. "Thank you, Lady. We do not deserve such kindness." Jareth (as Galadriel): Damn right, you don’t. Galadriel gently kissed Jess' brow and looked pointedly at Boromir. He will treat you well, child. Remain loyal to him and love him. Jess nodded. I will, Lady. Thank you. Amon Hen... Mac: Seriously sounds like a place in Ancient Egypt. Jess watched sorrowfully as Boromir followed Frodo into the trees. She considered following him, but decided against it. As much as it pains me, his madness is necessary to the story. Sai: Even though you’ve already messed with it thus far? Jess began fiddling with the pendant of Finduilas. Kate saw her sister's discomfort and hugged her. "It'll turn out all right," Kate whispered. Remus: Now she’s a Seer. Great. Boromir... Quatre: Is now a place. Weird. "None of us should wander alone, you least of all," Boromir said, startling Frodo out of his reverie. "So much depends on you. Frodo?" The hobbit did not answer, Quatre: He was hoping the man would leave him alone so he could go back to his reverie. so Boromir continued. "I know why you seek solitude. You suffer; I see it day by day. Mac (singing): Oh dear Lord, three things I pray! You sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo, other paths that we might take." Remus: Like joining us and sporking badfics. Jareth: That might be worse than carrying this “One Ring.” "I know what you would say. And it would seem like wisdom but for the warning in my heart." Sai: He was having a heart attack. Frodo was suddenly feeling worried. Sai: And he knew it. This was not the Boromir he knew and that Jess loved so dearly. Someone else was speaking through him. Mac: Actually, this is Book!Boromir. You’re just used to Sue-fied!Boromir. "Warning? Against what?" Remus: The Mary Sues. Haven’t you noticed them? They’ve got yours and Legolas’ balls. Mac: REMUS! *Remus hides under the seat while Quatre sticks fingers in ears* Boromir said sharply before regaining control. "We're all afraid, Frodo. Jareth: They just won’t let go. Mac: JARETH! Jareth: I’m not scared. *Mac holds up sock and tape* Jareth: Meep. But to let that fear drive us to destroy what hope we have…don’t you see, that is madness?" "There is no other way!" Frodo said desperately. What is wrong with him? Sai: We’ve told you. "I ask only for the strength to defend my people!" Boromir snarled, throwing down the wood in his arms. "If you would but lend me the Ring…" Mac: I promise to return it! Honest, Mister! "No," Frodo said, drawing back in fear. "Why do you recoil? I am no thief." Remus: I’m asking permission and junk. Mac: I’ll even sign a waiver! "You are not yourself." "What chance do you think you have? They will find you! They will take the Ring and you will beg for death before the end!" Mac: Hmm, sounds like something Voldemort would say. Frodo turned away, worry creasing his brow. Boromir's self-control snapped. "You fool!" he snapped, advancing on Frodo. "It is not yours, save by unhappy chance. It could have been mine! It should be mine! Mac (ala the Seagulls in “Finding Nemo”): Mine! Mine! Mine! Give it to me! Give it to me!" Remus: Oh dear, Boromir is stuck in “broken record” mode. Jareth: I’m guessing it is safe to say that this isn’t movie script? Mac: No, nothing jogs my memory. Boromir ran after Frodo and tackled him. Mac: But there’s a yellow flag on the play, penalty—Gondor. "No!" Frodo shouted, fighting to keep the Ring away from the maddened Gondorian. "Give me… Give me the Ring!" Suddenly, Frodo vanished. All: Poof! Boromir looked around him in shock and fell back with a grunt as an invisible foot collided with his chest. All: Hi-ya! *Assume various martial arts stances* Slowly, he rose to his knees and looked around him. "I see your mind. You will take the Ring to Sauron! Mac (Frodo): Well, Sauron does reside in Mordor, which is where the volcano I have to drop this thing into is… You will betray us! You’ll go to your death and the death of us all! Curse you! Curse you! And all the halflings!" Mac (Mercutio): A pox on both your houses! A pox on both your houses! Boromir tripped and fell with another grunt. When he rose again, his first thought was of the frightened look in Frodo's eyes before he disappeared. "Frodo...? Frodo...? What have I done...? Quatre: Oh no, our romantic lead has amnesia! Whatever shall we do? Mac: Rejoice, he may finally kill the Sue and her shadow. Sai: Sister. Mac: Whatever. Please...Frodo! Frodo, I'm sorry! Frodo!" Boromir began sobbing as he knelt there in the woods of Amon Hen. Sai: But then the mummies came and got him. Then, he remembered Jess and the trust that had shone in her eyes no more than a half hour ago. "What have I done?" he whispered sorrowfully. "I have failed her, and all the others. I don't deserve her." Mac: Oh great, more manufactured drama. I thought we were through with this. Remus: I guess Crys Evans likes writing these story lines as much as you like writing plot points that involve kidnapping. Mac: Touché. Later... Jess spun around as she heard a twig snap behind her. Boromir stood there, looking very guilty and sorrowful. “Boromir? What has happened?” she asked, even though she already knew. Jareth: Why do they keep asking stupid questions? “I am so sorry, Jess,” Boromir whispered sadly. “Where have you been, Boromir?” Aragorn asked sharply. “Have you seen Frodo?” All: Aragorn sighting! Jess closed her eyes and focused on Boromir’s thoughts. How do I tell them? How do I admit to such a hideous betrayal of their trust? Quatre: Jess is invading Boromir’s personal space! Sai: Invasion of privacy! “Yes-- and no,” Boromir said slowly, Remus: Well, that’s no answer. still looking at Jess. “Yes: I found him some way up the hill, and I spoke to him.” Sai: And he spoke back, telling me many wise things. He paused before continuing. "I-- urged him to come to Minas Tirith and not to go east. I-- grew angry and he left me. He vanished." Mac: “And then some guy named Jack Malone interviewed me while this other guy, Danny I think, stared daggers at me. And that female one, Sam, looked like she could kick ass.” Boromir shook his head and passed his hand over his eyes. "I have never seen such a thing happen before, though I have heard of it in tales. He-- must have put the Ring on. I could not find him again. I thought he would return to you." Remus: Great, he’s probably in China now. Did you address him properly? Jess put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and smiled at him, but Boromir was not so easily consoled. Jareth: Maybe a hug would do better? "Is that all you have to say?" Aragorn demanded. "Yes!" Boromir answered. "I have told you all that I can, I will say no more yet." "This is bad!" Sam cried before running into the woods, calling for Frodo. All: Bye, Sam! Merry and Pippin followed. Remus: You think the Suethor recognizes Merry and Pippin as two separate entities? Mac: Probably not. Aragorn tried to stop them, but they were already gone. All: Bye, Merry. Bye, Pippin! Mac: Man, the Fellowship is dropping like flies. Legolas took Kate's hand in his and followed the hobbits. All: Bye, Legolas! Good riddance, Shadow! Looking furious, Aragorn turned to face Boromir. "We shall all be scattered and lost. All: YAY! Boromir! I do not know what part you have played in this mischief, but help now! Remus: And then clean your room! Go after those two young hobbits, and guard them at the least, even if you cannot find Frodo. Come back to this spot if you find him, or any traces of him. I shall return soon." Mac: Warning: Manufactured “angst” coming up. Man your stations. Boromir bowed his head in shame and Jess embraced him. "It's not your fault. You can make this right." "No," Boromir moaned. "You don't understand! I tried to take the Ring from him!" "I know," Jess whispered before kissing him and running after the hobbits, calling their names. Mac: Wow. Way to be supportive of your man, Jess! Jess was confused. Ok, so much for being an expert on The Lord of the Rings. Remus: Wait, she’s an expert on this stuff? Jareth: Supposedly. I can't even tell where I am in relation to Rauros! Finally, she decided that just continuing in a straight line would be her best bet. She gasped when she heard the approaching Uruk-Hai and pulled out her swords. If I get taken, I'll leave a warning note, she thought grimly. Sai: She has a pen and paper? Mac (as Jess): “Dear Fellowship, I’ve been taken. Please send help. Thank you. PS: Love you, Bori-Wori!” Remus (as Fellowship): Bori-Wori? Sai (as Boromir): Let’s leave her. She skidded to a halt when she saw a group of about fifteen orcs. "This is where the fun begins," she muttered. "Come on, if you feel brave!" A few orcs laughed and charged towards her. Remus: So would the Death Eaters. Mac: Wouldn’t they just hex her? Remus: That’s their idea of “charging.” She slashed two through the heart and cut off the heads of two more. "Anyone else feel like dying?" All: US! Five more orcs launched themselves at her. Quick as a flash, Jess dodged two swords, jumped over another, and gutted one of the orcs. She fought fiercely for ten minutes before her swords were knocked out of her grasp and she felt a sharp pain at the base of her skull. All: HOORAY! *Erik breaks out popcorn* Boromir... Mac: Is sad he is even in this fic. Stupid hobbits, Boromir thought as he pulled Merry and Pippin behind him, Quatre: That’s mean. stepping in front of the charging orcs. Why do they have to be so small? Boromir hacked at the orcs, wondering how they had got there and why they were so huge. Mac: Boromir is getting all philosophical on us. He was also wondering about the last thing Jess had said to him. You don't understand! I tried to take the Ring from him! I know. How did she know? Mac: Psychic! Remus: Stalker! Sai: You still remember those? Mac and Remus: Yep. "Boromir!" Pippin shouted urgently, pointing towards the top of the hill. Boromir swore loudly as he looked up. A large orc with a bow was aiming right at his chest. All: STREAM OF CURSES! The arrow was released with a loud twang and Boromir dodged. The arrow scraped his thigh, causing him to hiss in pain. He swore again and chopped the head off of another orc. The sound of a bow twanging rang through the air again and Boromir gasped in pain as an arrow entered his shoulder. All: OUCH! The impact of the blow sent him reeling, and he fell to his knees in front of Merry and Pippin. Pippin gasped in horror and clutched Merry's arm. Boromir gasped again and launched himself at the orcs once more. The orc with the bow seemed to swear loudly and prepared to fire one last arrow. This once nicked Boromir's side, and he fell once more. Sai: Wait, I thought he was the one that was supposed to be saved? Mac: Wait for it… Pippin unsheathed his sword and charged forward. He would not die without a fight. All: Go, Pippin! Merry watched his friend in astonishment for a moment before imitating him. Boromir reached out to stop the hobbits, but they wouldn't listen. Boromir growled a curse and tried to get back up, but his wounded leg gave out and he fell to his knees again. Pippin thrust his sword out viciously, but it was promptly knocked out of his hands. Merry leapt in front of his friend and gutted an orc before his own sword was thrown away. Mac: Hey, I think swords get recycled! "Oh, dear," Merry muttered before an orc grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. Pippin squawked as another orc picked him up. Boromir gasped for breath and tried to stand, but he couldn't. He watched helplessly as the hobbits were carried away. He froze when another troop of orcs passed him. Sai: Their cookies weren’t as good as those Girl Scouts. The leader was holding an unconscious Jessica. No! Boromir's mind screamed. I have failed her! Quatre: Again? I think Boromir holds our new record. Sai: Did we have a previous record? Boromir looked up and saw the orc that had been firing at him. Just end it! he thought viciously. End the shame; end the pain. All: Can you end ours too? As if in answer to his thoughts, the orc aimed carefully and was about to release another arrow when a dark blur rammed into it. Boromir's eyes widened in shock as the blur came into focus and he saw that it was Aragorn. Remus: You know, Aragorn, we did like you. Then, to top it all, Kate knelt down in front of him and ripped the arrow out of his shoulder. Mac: But not you, Kate. "Ah!" Boromir cried out in pain. "What was that for?!" "You want your wounds tended or not?" All: Not. Kate shot back angrily. Boromir didn't answer, but gritted his teeth as she wrapped a bandage around his shoulder. "They took the little ones and Jess!" he hissed. "I know. Stop squirming!" "I've failed you all. Quatre: Again! Mac: I told you, manufactured angst. You didn’t assume the position. I'm sorry." Jareth: Us, too. "Shut up! You have fought well and kept your honor. I don't want to hear another word on this subject." Sai: Neither do we. "Kate!" Aragorn shouted as the large orc threw a shield at him, pinning him to a tree. Remus: This is like wrestling on telly. Mac: Only real. Katelyn spun around and screamed as the orc charged towards her and Boromir. She couldn't even grab her knife, she was so petrified. Suddenly, there was the loud twang of a bow and the orc stopped dead; literally. Mac: Misuse of semi-colon *Writes ticket* Legolas ran towards Kate and swept her into his arms. Mac: Oh, the horribly sappy romance returns. "Are you all right?" he asked after a moment of just holding her. Kate nodded and kissed him gently. "I'm fine, thanks to you." *All gag.* "And you?" Legolas asked Boromir. "Better, because of Katelyn's tending." *All roll eyes* Just then, Aragorn managed to squeeze his head through the gap between the shield and the tree. He fell to the ground, coughing and wheezing. He gave the others a sarcastic look. "Your assistance is greatly appreciated," he muttered dryly. Despite the gravity of the situation, Kate began to giggle. "Oh, Aragorn!" she said between peals of laughter. "You need to loosen up!" Remus: Aragorn, however was not amused and promptly ran his sword through her. Others: Yay! Boromir also grinned, remembering when Jess had told him the same thing. His heart ached as he thought of Jessica in the hands of those foul orcs. Jareth: Funny, my heart is lighter at that thought. Mac: Hey, Erik, how are you going to eat that popcorn? *Erik just looks at her* Jessica... Mac (singing): Is going to die, Jessica is going to die, heigh-ho the merry-o, Jessica’s going to die! Jess came to with a groan. Then, she saw Merry and Pippin bound beside her and everything came back to her. Merry had a nasty cut on his forehead and Pippin was just out cold. Jess felt tears stinging her eyes. What are we going to do? Why am I even here? Sai: Because Crys Evans created you so she could write herself in to save the day and get the man. Is Boromir still alive? All: Yes. Oh, what is wrong with this world?! All: You. Jess pulled her legs as close to her body as possible. Quatre: Uh oh, the button’s lit up. SKIP! SKIP! Jess sobbed softly as she thought of Boromir. She would never be able to live if he were dead. She choked out the next verse, ignoring the grunts of the orc guards. Remus: We’ll take the grunts over your singing. SKIP! SKIP! An orc ordered her to shut her mouth, Sai: Orc, we don’t know who you are, but we love you. but she continued to sing out of spite. Her voice grew louder, as did the orders for her silence. Sai: Oh, please…silence is golden, after all. SKIP! SKIP! An orc spat at her feet, but Jess pressed on. She didn't care what these orcs said. Mac: Unfortunately. SKIP! SKIP! Jess' voice rose, and she could hear Sul's voice joining hers. Jareth: How does the wind in Middle Earth know one of our songs? SKIP! SKIP! "Shut up!" an orc shouted before backhanding her. Jess glared at the Uruk, but remained silent. All: YAY! 1 I got this from the words enemy and bane. 2 This comes from power and maiden. All: Okay… Mac: Chapter’s over. *Erik puts his popcorn away dejectedly.* Mac: Pep up, there’s always next chapter. Jareth: Really? Mac:…no, there’s a sequel. Others: Oh… *Erik points to mouth* Mac: Oh, yeah. *Undoes everything.* Sai: Let’s go! *All leave* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 19 2008, 11:19 PM Post #9 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"Gandalf Returns and the Sues Invade Rohan. It Would Never Be the Same." *Everyone drags themselves back into the theatre* Mac: Why us? Sai: If I remember correctly, it was all the werewolf’s fault. Remus: Hey, he’s supposed to be dead and the Taboo is supposed to be lifted. Mac: How about we just blame Merope and be done with it. Others: Who? Mac: I’ll explain later. Now, we know we’re going to watch ourselves around Quatre, right? Others: Yes. Mac: Good. *Meanwhile, Quatre looks ready to fall asleep.* Mac: Of Tearful Reunions Chapter Nine Sai: That’s how many Ronin armors there are! Boromir gasped for breath as Aragorn paused on a large outcropping of rock to listen to the progress of their adversaries. Behind him, Gimli was huffing and puffing Remus: And blowing little pigs’ houses down. loudly. Boromir couldn't help feeling amused by the Dwarf's struggles. Beside him, Legolas and Kate weren't even sweating. I see why Jess was so irritated with them. "Their pace has quickened," Aragorn said softly. "They must have caught our scent. Jareth: I’d imagine. I don’t think anyone in this fic has bathed since that sappy scene between Boromir and Jess by the river. Hurry!" "Oh!" Gimli huffed as he reached the top of the hill. "Three days and nights' pursuit-- no food-- no rest-- no sign of our quarry but what bare rock can tell!" "You ought to trust bare rock more than the rest of us," Kate muttered. "You were born under it." Legolas and Boromir chuckled in amusement while Gimli muttered about "disrespectful youth". Jareth and Erik: Damn straight. Kate looked out over the seemingly endless fields and sighed heavily. I hope Jess is all right. She stopped short as she remembered Galadriel's gift. Remus: Now she remembers it? Mac: Well, sooner than Harry remembered the mirror Sirius had given him. Remus: Point. And this is magically connected to Katelyn's necklace. It shall also connect your life force and mind to that of your sister. If you fear for her safety, simply touch the brooch's surface. It will glow blue if she is safe and green if she is in danger. Mac: Just in case people forgot about what Galadriel said the pendant could do in the last chapter. Kate reached up and gently touched the pendant. It glowed green before shifting to blue and then back to green. Quatre: Oh noes! The pendant can’t make up its mind! Remus: Oh noes? Mac: That’s it, no more LoLCats for you! What is happening to her? Jessica... Erik: Doesn’t know where she is. Jess ran as hard as she could, fighting to keep up with the Uruk-Hai. They were pressing forward at such a hard pace that every step was torture. Her leg wounds, which had not bothered her in Lothlorien, were now swelling and reopening. All: Eww… Jess fell and twisted her ankle, hissing in pain. An orc saw her fall and roughly lifted her up. Jess fought to remain conscious, but her pain was too great. *Erik gets out the popcorn* Jareth: Why do you even bother? Erik: Hope springs eternal. Mac: Wow, that’s unusually optimistic of you. When she woke up again, she saw that they were outside of Fangorn Forest. Great. Now what? Jess squirmed slightly and saw that the hobbits were only ten feet away from her, and trying to loosen their bonds. Jess sat up and tried to reach Celebsigil, but the knife was too far away for her tied hands to reach. She muttered inaudibly before she remembered her gift. All: DAMN! "Cuiva, Nar1" she called softly. Others: What? Mac: According to the author’s translation, “Wake up, Nar!” Which element that is…we’ll see. There was a soft crackling in response. Jess continued hopefully. "Come on, Nar. I need you to burn these ropes." Erik: Ahh, fire. Sai: Pfft. Ryo’s stronger. Just one flare up now—oh boy. I shall try, child. Forgive me if you get a little singed. Sai: Well, with Flare Up Now, you would get more than a little singed. "At the moment, I have no right to complain." "Hey!" one of the orc guards shouted. "Shut your mouth 'fore I shut it for you!" Just then, the sound of horses could be heard in the distance. Mac: Here comes the cavalry! Jess' whispers became more urgent as she urged the fire to awake. Behind her, Merry and Pippin had already loosened their bonds and run. Quatre: Smart Hobbits! Jess heard Grishnak trying to grab them and with a loud cry set the fire on him just as her bonds were burned away. The orc screamed in pain and released his hold on Pippin's belt. Suddenly, a horse rode right in front of Jess. She looked up and saw Eomer. "Just my luck," she muttered dryly. "I always get found by attractive mortals on horses." "What is you name, and how do you come to be here?" Eomer demanded in a tone that reminded Jess of Haldir. She fought hard to not snort before answering. "I am Lady Jessica. I was captured by these orcs about three days ago. The reasons behind this are unknown to me." Mac: Well, that’s a lie. She here because she wrote herself as a speshul savior Mary Sue. "Very well, Lady. Come," he pulled her onto his horse, "you shall ride with me until we can take you to safety." Erik: Or throw you off a mountain. Whichever comes first. Boromir... "Riders of Rohan!" Aragorn shouted, stepping out of his hiding spot among the rocks. "What news from the Mark?" Mac: Nothing, but the Luke and the Matthew are having another argument and the John is busy writing. You? "What is he doing?" Boromir hissed. Sai: Talking to the Riders of Rohan about this “the Mark” guy. Remus: Oh dear Jonas, the stupid—it’s catching! "Don't question," Kate snapped, "just stand up." "What business do two Men, two Elves and a Dwarf have in the Riddermark?" Eomer demanded. Mac: Dude, we’re having the most awesome party, like ever, and we need some, like, you know beer and food and shit. And beer. Can’t forget the beer. Remus: Mac? Mac: Yes? Remus: You’ve been in college too long. Mac: So? Frat boy speak is much better than listening to these bland characters recite the movie back to us. Remus: Fair enough. "Wait!" Jess cried out when she saw her sister. "Those are my sister and companions!" All (as Fellowship): DAMN! She’s still ALIVE! Jess jumped off of Firefoot's back and ran to her friends. Legolas and Aragorn were nearly suffocated as she pulled them into a bear hug and kissed their cheeks. Then, she turned to Gimli and thumped his helmet affectionately before facing her sister. The girls sobbed and threw their arms around each other. Erik: Anyone else disgusted by this? Others: Yes. "I was so worried!" Kate sobbed into her sister's shoulder. "I'm fine," Jess whispered. Then, she noticed Boromir. Jess gave her sister an accusing look. "What happened?" Sai (as Kate): Like you don’t know. "He only got shot in the shoulder," Kate said with a grin. Jess hugged her sister tightly before turning to Boromir. After a moment's hesitation, she buried her face in his chest and began sobbing in relief. Boromir gently wrapped his hands around her and kissed the top of her head while fighting his own tears. After a moment, he cupped his hands over her cheeks, tilted her head back, and kissed her. *Remus hands out barf bags* Jess whimpered softly and kissed him back, needing to express her joy and relief. Kate looked up at Legolas with a grin and kissed him softly. *Everyone hurls* Gimli rolled his eyes and muttered something inaudible. Erik: We feel your pain, friend. “It seems that I am the only one who needs to be introduced,” Eomer said, smiling in amusement as he looked at Jess and Boromir. “I am Eomer son of Eomund.” All: Hi, Eomer! Now, RUN, EOMER! Mac: Hmm, still debating whether or not that that is a comma violation. *Quatre holds up “Save the Commas” sign* “I am Aragorn son of Arathorn. This is Gimli son of Gloin, Legolas of the Woodland Realm, Boromir son of Denethor, and Katelyn.” Jareth (Aragorn): For some reason, know one would claim her as their daughter. Quatre: The commas are crying. "I am honored to meet you all. Tell me, what is your purpose in the lands of Rohan?" "We were tracking the band of orcs that captured Jessica, along with two more of our friends." Eomer gave Aragorn a questioning look. "There were no other captives in the orc camp." "But-- there were two hobbits!" Gimli said desperately. Mac: You’re right, the stupid is spreading! "We found none, save Jessica and the orcs." "He never saw them," Jess said quietly. "I lost track of them after the battle broke out, but I know that they are safe." "How can you be so sure, lass?" Gimli demanded. Sai: Gimli, we love you. Really. "Gimli," Jess said patiently, "I am the Savior of Middle-earth. Doesn't that count for something?" All: No. Eomer and Boromir gave Jessica a funny look while Gimli's mouth formed a perfect 'o' and Aragorn and Legolas exchanged knowing glances. Sai (Aragorn): You know what we must do now, right? Erik (Legolas): Yes. *Tightens Punjab lasso* "You are the what?" Gimli asked. Mac: The source of the stupid that is plaguing Middle Earth. "The Savior of Middle-earth. It's a long story. Katie and I are pure-blood descendants of the lost eldest son of Elros. Mac: No, you’re not. When we were born, our world was perfectly aligned with Middle-earth. Well, it was perfectly aligned at my birth, anyway. Haven't you noticed the different things I can do?" Remus: How many times is she going to tell this story? That settled it. Gimli looked at his feet sheepishly. All: Aww, man. Erik: There went our last ally. Jess grinned and leaned her head against Boromir's shoulder. She suddenly felt so tired. "Just ask for horses already," she muttered. Jareth (Eomer): Since you asked oh so nicely, no! Boromir gently picked her up and she promptly fell asleep in his arms. Kate walked over to her sister and gently wrapped her cloak around her. "As our companion has said, Eomer, we must find our other friends," Aragorn said. "I know of your laws; if we do not return with you to see the king, you are under orders to force us. Mac: Hmm…this is new. Erik: You mean…Crys Evans is writing her own dialogue? Jareth: Heavens! But, I do not think you law was made for such a chance. Nor indeed am I a stranger here, though you would not know that. I knew your father, Eomund, as well as your king Théoden and grandsire, Thengel. Erik: Wow, Aragorn is older than I. Mac: He’s 87. Erik: Wonder what his secret is? Never in former days would any high lord of this land have constrained a man to abandon such a quest as ours. My duty at least is clear, to go on. Come now, son of Eomund, the choice must be made at last. Aid us, or at the worst let us go free. Or seek to carry out your law. If you do so, there will be fewer than your current one hundred men to return to your war or your king." *Everyone has fallen asleep. Voldemort appears on the screen, looks at them.* Voldemort: This will not do. *Presses a button. Air horn sounds. All jump* Mac: Whazzat? Voldemort: Good morning, children. All (flatly): Morning, Merciful Master. Kate couldn't help feeling nervous. She had rarely seen Aragorn like this. And what was all this about Eomer fighting them? That wasn't in the movies. Must be from the book, she thought. That would make a lot of sense. So this world does still follow the book; I was beginning to get worried. Mac: Honey, this world doesn’t follow anything. Outside of Fangorn… Mac: We’re having a bonfire! Remus: And burning this fic! Quatre: And making smores! Jess woke up feeling rested and relieved. She was lying down beside a small fire with Boromir's arms wrapped protectively around her. Across from her, Kate had her head resting on Legolas' lap. Jess could tell that both of the Elves were fast asleep, even though their eyes were wide open. Remus: Freaky. Sai: Says the werewolf. Remus: Shut up, Flounder. Sai: Make me, Moony. Mac: Don’t make me separate you! Jess stirred slightly and Boromir's eyes snapped open. He smiled when he saw that Jess was awake and gently kissed her. "I've missed you so much," Jessica whispered pitifully, wrapping her arms tightly around Boromir's waist. "I love you." "I love you too," Boromir said softly. "Tell me, Jessie, were you-- harmed in any way by the orcs?" "No. My leg wounds opened up again because of all the running that I was forced to do, but I am fine otherwise." "Can you walk?" "I ran to you and the others didn't I?" "I mean, without pain and discomfort." Sai: Oh, you wanted to be specific. Jess thought for a moment before shaking her head. "Not for long distances. It was torture for me to run as far as I did with the orcs, and even running to you was painful." Jess sighed and closed her eyes. "I can hear what you're thinking," she said after a moment. Erik (Boromir): Now you’re just changing the subject. That’s it, young lady, you’re going to the doctor and that’s final. Boromir looked down at her in surprise. "Then, what was I thinking?" "How happy you are that I am safe and with you once again." Jareth (Boromir): Actually, I was thinking of the number 3. Boromir nodded and gently rested his head on top of hers. He breathed deeply and smiled as her scent washed over him. She smelled of a wonderful mix of lilies and roses. Mac: Wait, even after she hasn't bathed and been in a battle, captured and riding a horse? Jareth: That must be one strong bar of soap she’s using. Jess smiled and let sleep wash over her again. Suddenly, she jerked awake. "The horses!" she called out. Boromir looked at her in confusion but then he too heard the sound of horses whinnying. He ran over to see what was wrong and came back cursing silently. "They are gone." Erik: Well next time, tie them down properly. Jeez. They all caught the stupid. Mac: Do you think we’ll catch the stupid by just reading this fic? Inside Fangorn… Erik: Lurks the dreaded Mary Sue. Beware! Gimli tasted a bit of blood on a leaf and spat. "Orc blood!" he hissed in disgust. All: Eww… Remus: And I’m a werewolf. Aragorn investigated the ground and looked up, dumbfounded. "These are strange tracks." "Too right," Jess muttered. "Why?" Kate asked. "They belong to eebeard-Tray!" Jess hissed rolling her eyes at her sister's ignorance. *Quatre sets up the Society for the Protection of Abused and Neglected Commas* Mac: PANC? "The air is so close here," Gimli commented, not hearing the sisters' exchange. Legolas nodded in agreement. "This forest is old. It makes me feel young. It is full of memory… and anger." Quatre: They wanted to join PANC and protect the commas. The friends paused as a groan reverberated through the trees. "The trees are speaking to each other," Legolas whispered. Mac (Tree One): So then I told Carl that I would never do that on a first date… Sai (Tree Two): But you have so done that on a first date! Mac (Tree One): I’m playing hard to get! That’s why I didn’t let him kiss me. Sai (Tree Two): Oh…I thought you were talking about something else. Boromir looked around cautiously while Gimli raised his axe defensively. Erik (Gimli): I’ll get ‘em, don’t you worry. Yep, me and my trusty axe…uh huh… "Gimli!" Aragorn hissed. "Lower your axe," he said, illustrating his meaning with his hand. Mac: Cause, you know, Gimli’s an idiot. Kate and Jess exchanged amused glances. "The trees have feelings, my friend," Legolas continued. "I know," Jess whispered. "I can hear them too. They are speaking to one another." Erik: Didn’t Legolas just say that a few paragraphs ago? Mac (mimicking a phone call): Hello, Department of Redundancies Department? "What would trees talk about except the consistency of squirrel droppings?" Gimli demanded irritably. Jess smiled evilly. "They are considering tearing the axe bearer apart, but are confused because he is in the company of two Elves and a mortal who appears Elven." Gimli swallowed hard and dropped his axe. Mac (Jess): Oww! That was my foot, Gimli! Sai (Gimli): Oops. "Aragorn, nad no ennas!2" Legolas whispered urgently. "Man cenich?3" Erik: Translation please? Mac: Wow, Turtle Talk flashback. And: Aragorn, something is out there! What do you see? "The White Wizard approaches." The friends gripped their weapons tightly, even Jess and Kate, who knew what was going to happen. "Do not let him speak, for he will cast a spell on us!" Gimli whispered urgently. "Master Dwarf, kindly remain silent," Jess whispered harshly. Jareth: The author really doesn’t like Gimli, does she? Mac: No Suethor likes Gimli. It’s a law. Boromir chuckled softly and gently squeezed her hand with his free one. I love you, he thought. I know, Jess responded. Simultaneously, the companions turned around and drew their weapons. Jess and Kate were unaffected by the blinding light and the spells cast on their companions' weapons. Instead, the girls put their weapons away and ran to the strange figure in the center of the light. Mac: Unbeknownst to them, it was the angel of death. "Mithrandir!" They shouted in joy, throwing their arms around his neck. The old man laughed merrily and returned their embrace. Others: Who? Mac: Gandalf. He has almost as many names as Aragorn. "Indeed! My, Jessica, you have changed since I last saw you." Jess laughed and fingered her ears, a habit that she had developed in Lorien. "I'll say. If I recall properly, you left us before I got these." The others stared at the three in astonishment. Not only was Gandalf clad in white, but so was Jess. For the third time, the companions saw Jessica as an Elf-maid in white. Mac: You know, this is eerily reminding me of the Transfiguration. I know Tolkien was Catholic… Jareth: Maybe the author meant it to. Erik: I think you are giving her too much credit. But this time, she wore a circlet of mithril. Boromir shook his head in astonishment. Would Jess never cease to amaze him? Kate was also changed. Her hair had more of a copper tint to it and her eyes appeared bluer than before. Legolas looked as confused as Boromir felt and glanced at the Gondorian. Boromir shrugged and grinned weakly. "It cannot be," Aragorn whispered. "And yet," Jess and Kate said at the same time, "it is." Sai: We are all one unit. Mac: Oh, remember that Jonas Brothers’ fic? Erik: Yeah. Did she ever take it down? Mac (Darkly): No. Edoras… *All look at Quatre* Quatre: Bu-dunk! Sorry, it’s been a while. "Ye'd find more cheer in a graveyard," Gimli muttered as the friends rode into Edoras. Jess nodded. Mac: Especially the one at the Haunted Mansion! Those guys always have a swinging wake going on! *Everyone else groans* Mac: What? Disney rides are usually one bad pun after another. "Unless you count Gettysburg," she said to her sister. Kate shuddered as she remembered how gloomy that memorial had been. Erik: Don’t go dragging those honorable men into this! Respect your own history! "Honestly," Jess muttered, "I wish someone would say something!" Jareth: Well, they can’t because you are doing all the talking! Kate cringed and leaned against Legolas' back. She loved the feel of him; it always calmed her when things were going wrong. Sai: So…Legolas is like your security blanket? Or Mac’s Lambie? Mac: Leave Lambie out of this! Jess glanced up at Boromir and smiled softly. The Gondorian returned her smile weakly and gently kissed her temple. At the Golden Hall of Meduseld, the companions were stopped by Hama, the door-warden. "I cannot allow you to see Théoden King so armed, Gandalf Greyhame," he said reluctantly. Mac: Told you. More names than Aragorn. Gandalf gave him The Look4. Jareth: The look four? Mac: Wait…According to the Suethor: “Ya'll know what I'm talking about; the one your folks give you when their ticked.” Uh hem, young lady, it’s t-h-e-y APOSTROPHE r-e. "By order of Grima Wormtongue," Hama said in explanation. Remus: Wormtongue? He and Peter can hang out. Gandalf nodded and handed Hama his sword. Reluctantly, Jess removed Hadhafang, Celebhith, and Celebsigil from her waist, feeling strangely venerable. Mac: Yet not as weighed down. The others followed suit, finding some comfort in the fact that Jess had already done so. Erik: Actually, that should’ve made them more nervous. Finally, Hama turned to Gandalf once more. "Your staff?" he said. Gandalf leaned against his staff, adding to the "old man" look. "You would not part an old man from his walking stick?" Jareth (Hama): Yes, I would. Hand it over, old-timer. Mac (Gandalf): Oh man…if I fall, I’m going to sue! Hama gave Gandalf The Look Jareth: She forgot the four! before letting them into the Golden Hall. Jess stepped forward slightly. If Saruman did know about me, and sent the Uruk-Hai to get me, then let his puppet know that I escaped. Erik: Sure, great plan there. Idiot. "The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late, Théoden King." "Why should I welcome you, Gandalf Stormcrow?" Remus: And another—Joe Jonas, how many names could one character have? Mac: Joe Jonas? I think that Jonas Brothers fic has affected us more than we thought. "A just question, my liege," Wormtongue said. "Oh, cut the crap, Grima! We all know who your true lord is," Jess growled. Grima looked stunned for a moment, but quickly bounced back. "Late indeed is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear." He began walking towards the members of the Fellowship. "Lathspell, I name him. Ill news is an ill guest." Mac: Sounds like something that Ben Franklin would’ve written as Poor Richard. And, of course, the script. "I say again: cut the crap!" Jess said as Gandalf lifted his staff into view. Sai: No one is listening to the Mary-Sue. Remus: Namely because I don’t think anyone in Middle Earth knows what “cut the crap” means. Mac: Probably thinks it means keep going. Erik: There is so much innuendo… Mac: Don’t. "His staff!" Wormtongue gasped. "No duh," Jess said coolly. "I told you to take the wizard's staff!" Jess turned sharply as a group of guards began charging the friends. "Oh, yeah," she muttered dryly, "this just keeps getting' better and better." Mac (blows whistle): Misuse of apostrophe! Three strikes, you’re out, Crys Evans! Not wanting to aggravate her already smarting leg, Jess closed her eyes and began chanting in Elvish. Three guards stumbled as the ground beneath them began to shake. Mac (singing): Shake, rattle and roll! Then, another guard came up and grabbed her from behind. Sighing, Jess elbowed him and rammed the back of her head against his face. "Man! That felt good!" Mac: Man! I feel like a woman! Sai (looking down): Aww, we missed the exorcism of Theoden King! "I know your face," Théoden whispered behind Jess. "Eowyn?" All: Where? Is she there? Erik: Or did the exorcism give Theoden King the power to look through walls? The old king looked up in surprise. "Gandalf?" Jareth (Theoden): Why are dancing around in pink boxers to “Wannabe”? Mac: Point Jareth! "Breathe the free air again, my friend." "Dark have been my dreams of late," Théoden muttered, standing slowly as Eowyn helped him Mac: You know, I had a friend named Eowyn once. Sai: I remember her. Quatre: Do you think she still has Duo locked away somewhere? Sai: And Sage? Mac: Hmm…dunno. "Your fingers would remember their old strength better... if they grasped your sword," Gandalf said with a smile. Hama stepped forward and handed his king his sword. Théoden looked uncertain for a moment before pulling the sword free of its sheath. Then, he looked around for a moment. "Bring Eomer to me." Katelyn gave her sister a confused look and Jess rolled her eyes. "Honestly! He's been imprisoned for disobeying the king! It's in the ook-bay!" Soon, Hama returned with Eomer following. The young man knelt before his uncle and king and offered the older man his sword. "My lord, accept my loyalty5." Jareth: Ooh, there’s a five. Mac? Mac: From the author: “I know this isn't exactly what he says in the book, but I couldn't find my copy.” Erik: You mean…she’s being…original? GASP! Theodred's Funeral… Erik: Who? Mac: Oh, Theodred is Theoden’s son, his heir, who was killed while battling some orcs, I believe. Hold on! *Verifies information as “Hold On” by Jonas Brothers plays as hold music* Okay, killed by Urak-hai, the Orcs’ distant cousins. In the books, he was killed during the battle at the Fords of Isen, in the movie, an ambush. Since Crys Evans can’t make up her mind about which version she’s doing, pick your own for Theodred’s demise. Bealocwealm hafað fréone frecan forth onsended giedd sculon singan gléomenn sorgiende on Meduselde þæt he ma no wære Others: Huh? Mac: Translation will be after this, m’kay? Jess turned away from the tomb of Theodred son of Théoden, tears in her eyes. She was clad in a black gown similar to Eowyn's and her hair was in a braid that was wrapped around her head. Jess joined in Eowyn's lament. Erik (Eowyn): This is my lament, get your own! Mac (Eowyn): You didn’t even KNOW my cousin… Sai (Jess): But he was pretty hot in the movie. Mac (Eowyn): his dryhtne dyrest and mæga deorost. Bealo...6 Mac: Okay, here we go: ‘An evil death has set forth the noble warrior. A song shall sing sorrowing minstrels, in Meduseld that he is no more, to his lord dearest and kinsmen most beloved.'An evil death...’ Erik: Crys Evans didn’t write that, did she? Mac: Nope. Kate looked down at the ashen face of Theodred with sorrow. He was so young, Remus: And so hot. and yet he was dead. It was like Théoden would say in only a few short hours, "Alas, that these evil days should be mine. The young perish and the old linger… No parent should have to bury their child." Mac: Which was ad-libbed by Bernard Hill, the actor who played Theoden after some person randomly came up to him and told him that. True story. Jess couldn't stand the funeral anymore and buried her face in Boromir's shoulder. "I want to leave," she whispered. Boromir nodded and gently lifted her off of the ground, careful of her wounded leg. "Don't worry," he whispered into her hair. "Everything will turn out all right." "I know. But-- it's just so hard," she sobbed. Boromir gently rubbed her back and kissed her forehead. He wished her hair was down, so he could run his fingers through it, but it wasn't, so he satisfied himself with rubbing her neck. Jess threw her arms around his neck and pulled him close to her. "I love you." Jareth: This is disrespectful to the dead and the mourners! *Everyone else hurls* That Evening… "They had no warning! They were unarmed!" Eowyn said, meaning the people from the village that Eothain and Freda had come from. Remus: Who? Mac: These two kids that were sent from their village to safety and to get help. Remus: Ahh. "Now the Wild Men are moving through the Westfold, burning and killing as they go. Rick, cot, and tree." Sai: Not Bob, tub or bush? "Where is Mama?" Freda demanded loudly. Jess knelt down beside the girl and gently held her hands. "You will see your mama again; I promise. Now, eat up so that you are strong enough to travel." Erik (Freda): No thanks, for some reason, I’m not hungry anymore. "This is but a taste of the terror that Saruman will unleash," Gandalf said to Théoden. "You must fight!" Quatre (Theoden): Too bad I’m a pacifist. Oh well. Jess stood with a slight grimace and let Boromir pull her close to him. She was so emotionally unstable that she was exhausted. *Everyone looks at that sentence, blinks then bursts out laughing.* Kate was in a similar fix with Legolas, who was gently rubbing her shoulders. Gimli ignored everything that went on around him, too busy enjoying his meal. Jess wrinkled her nose at the Dwarf before sighing and asking Boromir to take her to her room. Erik: You know what? She doesn’t like this Gimli because he isn’t “hot” enough for her? Well, I hate her! Mac: Calm down, Erik! That night, Jess' sleep was plagued by nightmares. Erik: Good! She screamed for Boromir and sobbed as she watched the Departure of Boromir from The Fellowship of the Ring over and over. She thrashed around and clutched the bedclothes, wanting the torment to end. Finally, she felt strong arms wrapped around her and heard a familiar voice soothing her. Jess sobbed and buried her face in Boromir's chest. "Shh, Jessie, shh. It was just a dream," he whispered. "You are safe here." Jess nodded mutely, but still clung to him like a child clings to a favorite toy. Sai: Like Mac and La… Mac: Another word and Fishy-Fish gets it. *Sai gulps* "Don't leave me," she whispered. "Don't ever leave me." "I won't," he said as he repositioned himself so that his back was propped against Jess' pillows. "I will always be here for you." Jess fell asleep in his arms that night and slept better than she had in years. When she woke up, she was startled that she was not alone. But when she remembered the events of the night before, she snuggled closer to Boromir, not wanting this moment to end. Boromir stirred slightly and smiled down at her. "Hello," she said with a smile. Boromir's answer was to kiss her softly before sitting up straighter. "Are you all right?" "Yes-- now. Thank you for being there for me." "I would never be anywhere else. What was troubling you so much?" Jess hesitated for a moment. "I-- I've told you before that in my world, Middle-earth is part of a book," she began nervously. Mac: And we told you to claim you were psychic. Remus: Or a stalker. Should I tell him that he was supposed to die? Quatre: You know, I think that information like that is best kept to yourself. Child, I told you that the story of Boromir's death was false. Take courage in that fact. Jeez, Galadriel! How do you do that?! Nevermind that, child. Just tell him. Sai (Jess): I will when you stay out of my mind! "Well," Jess began again, "in the book, you died." Boromir gave her a startled look. "But, Galadriel told me that the author of that book had your story wrong because he didn't know about the prophecy concerning Kate and I." Remus: And somewhere, Tolkien is spinning in his grave. Jess sighed heavily. "I was seeing the scene of your death over and over last night, and it was so real!" She shuddered and drew closer to Boromir instinctively. "When we were at Amon Hen, I was so frightened that I would lose you!" *All gag* "But you didn't," Boromir whispered into her hair. "You do not need to ever fear for me again." He gently kissed her forehead before standing up. "Now, I will let you prepare for our journey." Quatre: Is it over? Mac: For now. Quatre: Good. *Sai runs out* Sai: I’ll save you, Fishy-Fish! Remus: Ur, okay. Let’s go before Erik kills someone. *Everyone else leaves* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 21 2008, 01:13 AM Post #10 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"One Sue Gets to Fight and the Other Sue Comforts Everybody While the Awesome Eowyn Stands By and Smiles Like an Idiot." *All walk into the theater. Sai is holding Fishy-Fish* Mac: Sai, look I wasn’t serious. Sai: I don’t trust any of you. Erik: I’m betting that he’s going to go first. *Sai clutches Fishy-Fish tighter* Jareth: That’s too good a bet to take. Shall we continue? Mac: Yes…A Battle Best Forgotten. Erik: This fic is best forgotten. Remus: Point Erik. Chapter Ten Mac: Is my favorite Doctor! Let’s hear it for Ten love! Jess dressed as quickly as she could, not wanting to be left behind. Sai (Fellowship): HURRY UP! We may be able to get a head start! Eowyn came into her room and offered to lead her to the stables. Jess liked Eowyn immediately and gladly accepted the invitation. Remus and Mac: Of course she did! She found Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Kate and Boromir already there and saddled. Eowyn led Jess to a separate stall that held a beautiful dark brown stallion. "This is the brother of Shadowfax," Eowyn said as she leaned over the stall door. "Like his kinsman, he will take no bridle or saddle. It has been said that only the Savior of Middle-earth can tame him. Katelyn already tried her hand at it, but Firemane would not let her stay on for more than a few seconds." *Everyone chuckles at the thought of the Sue being thrown to the ground.* Jess swallowed hard and opened the stall door. "Are you sure that I can do this?" "Positive," Eowyn said with a smile. "It has been said that you are the Savior of Middle-earth." "Well, it's nice to know my reputation spreads quickly," Jess said sarcastically. Erik: Oh, because you didn’t announce it to the entire world last chapter? Jareth: Point Erik. She reached out towards the horse cautiously, feeling very claustrophobic all of the sudden. Quatre: She felt claustrophobic? I don’t think she meant that word. Jareth: The twit probably was going for some poetic metaphors for being “nervous” and wound up with “claustrophobic.” Firemane snorted and pawed the ground a few times before sniffing Jess' hand. Then, to the surprise of all those present, All: Really? Seriously? Come on. the giant stallion nickered affectionately and nuzzled Jessica's shoulder. Tentatively, Jess wrapped her arms around the horse's neck and hugged it. This pleased Firemane, who whickered Mac: Wait, is that seriously a word? Now I have to look it up! Well, I’ll be…she used it correctly. happily. Jess laughed and stroked the horse's velvety nose. "He's so docile," she said happily. She turned to look at Eowyn. "He is too magnificent for me! I couldn't possibly take him!" Mac (batting eyes and Southern drawl): For lil ole me? You shouldn’t have! "But he is Théoden King's gift to you," Eowyn said with a smile. "I think you suit him better than any queen of Middle-earth could." "It's true, Jessie," Boromir said, leading his own horse out of its stall. Jess wrinkled her nose at him, but grinned as she mounted the horse. Aragorn noticed that she grimaced as she put her right leg over the horse's side and walked over to her. "Is your leg troubling you?" Sai (Jess): Now you ask? "Not as much as it was a few days ago," Jess said, turning Firemane to face Aragorn. "Tonight, I would like to take a look at it." Erik: What can he do? Mac: Actually, the books do establish Aragorn as a very talented healer. Erik: Can he cure the stupid? Mac: Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem so. "All right," Jess said with a sigh as she guided the horse out of the stables. "Oh," Eowyn said quickly as Kate prepared to mount Arod behind Legolas. "King Théoden has also set a horse apart for you, Katelyn." Kate cocked her eyebrows questioningly. "Why?" Remus: Because you are the shadow and deserve a horse that’s not as good as the Sue’s but just as suitable. "You have all aided Rohan, and he wishes to express his gratitude. Here," Eowyn motioned towards a stall that held a large chestnut stallion. "This is Sunchaser, son of Shadowfax. Unlike his father and uncle, he will take bridle and saddle, but he will only allow those of the female gender to approach him, and very few to mount him." "Thank you," Kate said as she approached the horse. Sunchaser stomped once before nipping gently at Kate's hair and allowing her to mount him. Kate grinned and led her new mount out of the stable. Soon, a long procession was filing out of Edoras. Men, women, and children walked slowly and purposefully towards Helms Deep. Jess and Kate exchanged troubled looks as they watched the solemn march. These people had already lost so much. Jareth: And yet you still persist in existing. That evening, the Rohirrim and their charges stopped near the River Isen to rest. Jess dismounted and quickly found a secluded area where she changed into a skirt to make Aragorn's tending of her leg easier. Sai: How…considerate. Where did she keep the skirt? *Others shrug* Erik: I guess in the bag that Crys never told us about. She sat on a stone beside her friend and gritted her teeth as she lifted the skirt. Aragorn stared at the wounds for a minute in surprise. They had reopened and bled seriously recently, but they were almost completely healed. He gently prodded around the arrow wound and Jess hissed in pain. "Well, there is little that I can do to help with the pain," Aragorn said. "But I can tell you to not overexert yourself for the next week or so. If you want your leg to heal fully, you shouldn't stress it." Mac: Wow. I could’ve told her that. Erik: Just imagine what House what say to her instead. It’s so much better. Mac: Hey…maybe one day we can get House to spork with us! "All right," Jess said, still gritting her teeth. As soon as Aragorn had left, Jess pulled her hair free of its braid and began brushing out the tangles. Erik: Once again, it must’ve come from the unmentioned bag. Suddenly, she felt gentle hands take the brush away from her and begin combing her hair. Jess glanced behind her and smiled at Boromir. "You enjoy spoiling me, don't you?" she asked teasingly. "Immensely," Boromir responded with a grin. Jess sighed and let him finish brushing her hair. Remus: Am I the only one who has a problem imaging a hardened warrior like Boromir brushing her hair? No? Thought so. When he was done, Boromir gently kissed her temple as he handed her the brush. "I love you." Erik: I say we start seeing if Jess and Boromir make their “I love you” quote per chapter. Mac: I think I’ll get sick. "I know you do," Jess said as she prepared to go to sleep. Boromir followed her and placed his bedroll on the ground beside her. Soon, the two of them were fast asleep. But, Jess did not sleep peacefully. Every now and then, Boromir would wake to the sound of her thrashing around and whimpering in her sleep. Erik: Can you say “violent sleeper”? Sai: Hey, Mac kicks in her sleep. Mac: And you know this how? *Sai ducks under the chair* Rather than waking her, he would reach over and gently rub her back until she had calmed down. Finally, he just pulled her close to him and wrapped his arm around her waist. Kate watched all of this with an amused smile as she rested her head against Legolas' chest. She and Jess had never dreamed that they would have found someone to love them so unconditionally. Mac: Yeah, I’m sure. *Rolls eyes* As Kate watched Boromir, she saw that he did love her sister without condition and without question. He would willingly die for Jessica. Kate glanced up at Legolas and saw the same sort of love reflected in his deep blue eyes. She smiled and gently kissed him. Sai: Oh gag, where are those sickness bags? Remus: Coming right up. After a few more days of tiresome trekking, Quatre: Not just trekking… All: But tiresome trekking. the people reached Helms Deep. Kate was slightly confused and asked Jess why they hadn't met the wargs. Rolling her eyes at her sister's ignorance, Jess had explained that the warg attack wasn't in the book, but a figment of Jackson's strangely over-active imagination. Finally, they were inside the Deeping Wall. Jess and Kate dismounted and sent their horses to the stables. Sai: Because the horses would just know where that was. Mac: These are highly intelligent horses. Erik: Quatre, pay attention. This is another sign of Mary-Sueness: unusually intelligent animal friends. *Quatre nods* Behind them, they heard Freda and Eothain reuniting with their mother. Jess smiled sadly and walked up towards the Keep, followed by Boromir and her sister. "I want every man and strong lad able to bear arms to be ready for battle by nightfall," Théoden ordered Gamling, the commander of those who were already garrisoned in Helms Deep. The commander nodded and walked off. Théoden began inspecting the defenses. "We will cover the causeway and the gate from above. No army has ever breached the Deeping Wall, or set foot inside the Hornburg." Jareth: Oh that is so setting up the fact that it will be breached during the impending battle. That Night… Mac: Too bad it isn’t “This Night.” Then I could’ve sung Billy Joel. Erik: Don’t you think the Sue’s singing is bad enough? Mac: I guess. But I don’t pretend I have a good voice. Remus: She has a point. Jess helped Boromir pull on his armor and smiled sadly. "I want you to be careful," she whispered. "I almost lost you once, I don't want to truly lose you." "You won't," Boromir whispered, gently placing his hand under her chin. "Be strong, Jessie. The women and children need a heroine now more than ever. You and Eowyn can be those heroines." "I am nothing more than a college student who fell into Middle-earth," Jess said with a wry smile. Sai: Yeah, that’s not what you were saying in the last chapter. "You are much more than that, and you know it. I love you." Boromir gently kissed her forehead before turning to leave. Jess turned away, tears in her eyes, and saw Eowyn watching her with envy in her eyes. Mac: Wait? Does Eowyn now want Boromir? Erik: Of course, he’s a pretty boy. *Picks up Raoul voo-doo doll* Jareth: I think she’s jealous of the Sue. Remus: Of course. Quatre: Eowyn just wants to be loved! I’ll give her a hug! Jess dried her eyes and followed the shieldmaiden of Rohan into the caves. A little girl was crying in the corridor and Jessica picked her up. "Shh. Do not be afraid. The lords Aragorn and Boromir are here," Jess whispered to the child. "Nothing could possibly go wrong with them fighting." Jareth: But let’s not mention anything of Theoden-King or Eomer. They’ll just bugger up the whole operation. Mac: Point Jareth. Eowyn smiled and picked up a small boy. All around them, men and boys were being separated from their families. Jess turned away, trying to not hear the sorrow in the voices of parting loved ones. "No! Please, no! Please! My boy! My boy!" one woman sobbed as her teenage son was led out of the caves. Mac (Woman): Take my husband instead! Remus (Soldier): We already took him, ma’am. Mac (Woman): Wasn’t he enough? Jessica put the little girl down and shook her head. "What is the world coming to, Eowyn?" she whispered. "Not only do the young perish and the old linger, but we must sacrifice both for our survival." Eowyn nodded and stroked the hair of the little boy she was holding. "Yes, 'tis indeed a sad fate. Lady-- Jessica, would you sing something for the children? I am sure they would appreciate it." Erik (Others): Actually, no, we wouldn’t. Jess groaned inwardly. Why does everyone feel the need to hear me sing Sai: We’re wondering the same thing. at the most awkward times? She wracked her brains to find an appropriate song. "I am afraid that I do not know any that are appropriate for such times as this," she said lamely. "Most of the songs that I know are love songs." Quatre: Gee, how surprising. "What makes you think those are inappropriate?" another woman demanded. "It has been a long time since there has been talk of love in these walls. Sing one of your songs, lass." Jareth: Why? Why? SKIP! SKIP! Jess pulled a small girl onto her lap and gently pushed a lock of dirty blonde hair away from sad blue eyes. Other children and adults crowded around the Elf-like lady and listened carefully. Quatre: SKIP! SKIP! Boromir stood on the battlements beside Katelyn with Legolas standing beside the young woman and Gimli grumbling beside the Elf. Boromir wasn't sure, but he thought he heard Jessica's voice singing in the caves. Remus: Because a stone fortress has paper thin walls. He hoped that she would be safe. Mac: We hope she would stop violating the Terms of Service…singing. SKIP! SKIP! Jess blinked back tears and looked away as she heard the approach of the Uruk-Hai. She finally lifted her head and let her voice swell. All: Huh? SKIP! SKIP! Boromir pulled his sword out of its sheath and muttered a quick prayer to Varda before attacking the orcs who were swarming up the ladders. Beside him Kate's bow was singing as she shot arrow after arrow into the ranks of orcs. Aragorn shouted orders in Elvish and swung his sword, Anduril. Orcs were falling by the dozens, but there were always more. Where in Varda's name are they coming from? Sai: Crys Evans’ over active imagination. Boromir thought as he beheaded a particularly ugly orc. Remus: There are attractive orcs? Jareth: Point Remus. "Legolas! Two already!" Gimli shouted. "I'm on seventeen!" the Elf replied with a slightly smug smile. "I've got you both beat!" Kate laughed. "I'm on twenty-two!” Remus: Show off! SKIP! SKIP! Jess paused for a moment, listening to the raging battle. She hated this fear. Finally, she sang the last few lines of the song. Erik: Finally. SKIP! SKIP! Boromir sliced off another orc's head and sighed heavily. There seemed to be no end to the enemy. Suddenly, he heard a horn blowing behind him. He looked up and saw Aragorn shouting for the men to fall back to the keep. What in Middle-earth...? Mac: Aww, look at the widdle Suethor try to be all cute… Jareth: Yeah… “cute.” Not one to question the orders of a superior, Mac: What? No Rebel!Boromir? Jareth: Well, he’s no fun. Boromir ran into the keep, followed by Kate and Legolas, who were pulling along a thrashing Gimli. Quatre: Oh, so we get Rebel!Gimli instead. Remus: Kinda almost makes up for him betraying us last chapter. Boromir pulled Aragorn aside. "What in Varda's name is going on?" he hissed. "Théoden believes that the keep is lost," Aragorn said solemnly, "but I refuse to give up hope until Gandalf returns." Jareth: Where did he go? Mac: Somewhere else. Dawn... Jess looked up in surprise as she heard the Horn of Helm Hammerhand. He put down the little girl she was holding and stood up, joy shining in her eyes. Remus: And we’re back to the shining eyes! Eowyn stood as well, still holding a sleeping boy. Smiling with hope, Eowyn handed the boy to his mother Mac (Mother): It’s about time! and began organizing the women and children. "The Horn has been sounded," she said to each woman, "soon our men will return to us." All (Women): DAMN! We mean…YAY! Time passed slowly for the eager women, but soon the word began to spread. "We have a victory! The men are returning." Not caring for anything else, Jess took off at a run. She had to see Boromir. She pushed through the throng of fretting wives and mothers and tried to locate Boromir. Quatre: That’s rude! Wait your turn, Jess! Suddenly, she heard a familiar voice calling her name. Sai: It was her mother, waking her up from this dream. Jess turned and threw her arms around Boromir's neck, kissing him soundly. She sobbed softly and buried her face in his chest. "I was so frightened!" she whispered. Boromir didn't answer, but wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. Eventually, Jess regained control of herself and released his tunic. She smiled up at him and kissed him again. "I love you," he whispered when he pulled away from her and rested his forehead against hers. "I know." Jess looked up at him and stroked his beard. "I love you, too." Erik: Okay, Suethor met her “I love you” quota. Chapter over! Mac: Yay? Sai: Let’s get out of here before someone kills someone else. Remus: Deal. *All leave* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 22 2008, 12:23 AM Post #11 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"For Cryin' Out Loud...the Hobbits Are NOT Five!" *Everyone drags themselves into the theater* Remus: Repeat after me: Only five more chapters. Erik: That’s not helpful. Remus: I’m trying. Sai: It isn’t over yet? Mac: Unfortunately. Quatre: What’s this chapter? Mac: Palantirs and the Trouble They Cause Chapter Eleven Mac: Err, anyone got anything for eleven? Others: Uh…no. “The battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The battle for Middle-earth is about to begin.” Erik: What? Who’s speaking? Mac: Gandalf. It’s the ending of The Two Towers. Jess sighed and rubbed her eyes. Seeing how tired she was, Boromir pulled her off of Firemane’s back and onto his horse. “I wouldn’t want you to fall off,” he whispered in explanation. Jareth: You wouldn’t, but we would. Sai: Point Jareth. Quatre: What’s going to happen to Firemane now? “I know you would never let that happen,” she whispered as she leaned back against his chest and closed her eyes. She hadn’t fought during the battle, but she was physically and emotionally drained. All: WTF? When she woke up again, she was once more in Boromir’s arms near a fire. She smiled and rested her head on his chest. I could really get used to waking up like this, she thought. Boromir stirred slightly and woke up. “Hello,” Jess said with a smile. “How are you feeling?” “Grand! How could I feel otherwise when I am in the arms of the man I love?” Mac: Gag me with a spoon! Remus: Hold on, I need to pass out the bags. She drew as close to him as possible and closed her eyes. “What is the plan?” “We are on our way to Isengard to ‘pay our regards’ to Saruman,” Boromir said, rolling his eyes. Erik: Ah, there’s a little Rebel!Boromir in him yet! Jess giggled when she saw that. “I knew it was only a matter of time!” Sai: Because he rolled his eyes? Mac: My mom says I roll my eyes every time I’m put on hold. “Before what?” “Before I began rubbing off on you. You are positively mischievous, and I’ll take full credit for that.” Remus: Hold up! Did she just do what I think she just did? Erik: Claim that because Boromir rolled his eyes—something annoyed people everywhere have been doing for centuries—he is being mischievous and that she caused it? Yes, she did. Jareth: That pompous little twit! Boromir laughed and kissed the top of her head. “I shall never tire of your wit, Nethmin.” Quatre (Jess): Jessica. That’s my name, not Nethmin. Sai (Jess): Nethmin? Who is Nethmin? Remus (Boromir): Oops… “Oh, no!” Jess groaned. “Please don’t call me that! Ugh! What am I all of the sudden? Riley Ashton from The Traveler?!1” Others: Huh? Mac: According to the author’s note: If you haven’t read this story yet you are missing out! It’s written by Captain Oblivious and AWESOME. Quatre: Anything recommended by this author clearly can’t be that AWESOME! Mac: Point Quatre. Boromir gave her a questioning look. “Long story, so don’t ask.” Jess sighed and rested her head on Boromir's shoulder. "Well, I guess it's Isengard or bust." Mac: That would be a funny image, the Fellowship holding signs saying “Isengard or Bust.” Isengard… Erik: Wishes the Sues wouldn’t come into its land. "I feel like I'm back at the Green Dragon, after a hard day's work," Pippin sighed, blowing smoke rings as he did so. Sai: Smoking is bad for you. Erik: Though it does explain Merry and Pippin. "The only thing is: you've never done a hard day's work," Merry shot back. The two hobbits began laughing. Then, a group of horsemen and women appeared out of the trees. Pippin grinned and Merry leapt to his feet. "Welcome, my lords and ladies, to Isengard!" Merry said loudly. *All cover their ears* Mac: We’re right here, Merry! "You young rascals!" Gimli shouted in response. "A merry hunt we've had looking for you, and now we find you feasting and-- and smoking!" Sai: I’d like to be there with them. "We are sitting," Pippin said through a mouthful of food, "on a field of victory, enjoying a few well-earned comforts." Merry blew out a few smoke rings and Jess and Kate snorted at the mention of "well-earned comforts". Mac: Hey, Merry and Pippin did earn those comforts. "The salted pork is particularly good," Pippin added with a cheeky grin. "Salted pork?" Gimli asked stupidly. Erik: Oh poor Gimli. Mac: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Gimli’s character. Jess laughed merrily and dismounted before sweeping the two hobbits into her arms. "You little nuisances!" she said as she affectionately ruffled their hair. Jareth: Hey, how old are these two? Mac: Pippin is definitely 29 and Merry is older. Jareth: So, they aren’t little kids? Mac: Not by far. To the Hobbits, they would be considered teenagers. "I've been sick with worry about you two! I declare, you have both grown!" "Yes!" Pippin said proudly. "I am now taller than Merry!" "You are not!" Merry snarled. "Am too!" "Are not!" Erik: This is so riveting. Not. Remus: It’s pointless. Mac: I think Crys Evans needs to learn the importance of dialogue. "Boys! Behave yourselves," Jess chuckled. "We have high lords here." Remus (Merry): Really? Where? Sai (Pippin): Cause I want to know where they got their stash from. Remus (Merry): Indeed. Mac: Shared point Remus and Sai. Merry elbowed Pippin and the two hobbits bowed low. Théoden smiled and nodded in response. Eomer and Aragorn grinned and turned their heads so that the hobbits wouldn't be offended. Sai: How would grinning be offensive? I mean, they could’ve been grinning with happiness at seeing the two okay. Mac: Point Sai. Gimli huffed and grumbled, but condescended to get off of Arod's back and pound the hobbits so hard on the back that they nearly fell over. Mac: So, Gimli found it below him to greet old friends? Erik: Suethors should stop trying to be fancy. They often fail. Boromir dismounted and knelt down in front of the two hobbits. "Forgive me, my friends, for not being able to save you," he said solemnly as Jess put her hands on his shoulders. Pippin surprised everyone there by throwing his arms around the Gondorian's neck and beginning to cry. Sai: I highly doubt he would cry. Jareth: Me too. "You did what you could," the young hobbit sniffled. "Merry and I were being foolish, and-- well, I was being foolish. We should have never left the camp." Remus: You were worried about your friend, there’s nothing foolish about that. Jessica kissed Pippin's forehead and ruffled his hair. Jareth (Pippin): WILL YOU STOP THAT! "You did what you thought was right at the time. We could not have asked for anything more." Mac: That seems like it came off a Hallmark card or a platitude calendar. "We forgive you, Boromir," Merry piped up. "We knew our friends would never let us down, and you never have." Remus: Platitude calendar. Gandalf smiled proudly as he watched Jess and Boromir. The two mortals would truly have a happy life together. Mac: Random. Sai: Hey Gandalf, shouldn’t you be more worried about your former friend betraying you? Kate smiled as she dismounted and was nearly bowled over by the enthusiastic hobbits. “Katie!” Pippin squealed. “I’m so glad to see you! Have you got new stories?” “Pip!” Merry said in horror. Mac: What? It’s a fair question. They’ve been separated…he’s pretty much asking, “What’s new?” Later… “Peregrin Took!” Gandalf said forcefully. Jess’ eyes widened and she groaned as the wizard took the Palantir from the hobbit. “Idiot! All: We know. Thanks for re-affirming it. I completely forgot that!” “Dangit!” Kate muttered. The sisters exchanged worried glances. “I ess-gay, I’ll ave-hay o-tay o-gay ith-way andalf-gay and ippin-pay en-way they o-gay o-tay inas-may irith-tay,” Jess said in rapid pig-latin. Others: What? Mac: Stand back! “I guess I’ll have to go with Gandalf and Pippin when they go to Minas Tirith.” Erik: Couldn’t they just have spoken French or something? Or whispered? Mac: Elf ears. Boromir and Legolas exchanged confused glances. Kate nodded, but continued to look worried. That night, Jess was sitting beside the Isen River and pondering all that had happened so far. Suddenly, she felt strong but gentle arms surround her. Jareth: And push her in. Sue drowned. The end. Mac: I wish. "What troubles you, Jessie?" Boromir whispered into her hair. "Nothing," Jess muttered as she leaned back against him, "except what will happen when we reach Edoras?" "We will deal with that when the time comes." Sai: What is the point of this? Erik: Nothing. Which is the point of the story. Nothing. Mac: Point Erik. Jess rolled her eyes, but said nothing. Suddenly, she heard a moan behind her and turned sharply, panic swelling in her heart. She and Boromir gasped when they saw Pippin writhing on the ground as he held the palantir. Jareth: What exactly is this palantir? Remus: Is it a crystal ball? Mac: No, it’s often mistaken as one by Suethors. But they are a more complex communication tool. Important thing: Sauron has one. Just then, an ear-splitting scream rent the air. Gandalf leapt to his feet and pried the stone from Pippin, who was reduced to whimpering pitifully. Kate knelt beside the young hobbit and tried to soothe him as he began to sob. All: Aww… Jess turned away and led Boromir closer to the river. "I need to leave for Minas Tirith with Gandalf and Pippin," she said quietly. "I must ensure that certain events remain unchanged, but you must stay here," she added before Boromir could argue. "I will be perfectly fine. My leg is almost healed and I will be with Gandalf. Right now, Aragorn needs your help more than I do." Mac: What Boromir says: "Are you sure about this?" Boromir whispered. Mac: What Boromir is thinking: Sai: WOOT! She’s LEAVING! Jess gently cupped her hand over his cheek and kissed him. "Positive. Trust me, love, it's for the best." All: No, it’s not. Mac: Chapter’s over! *Everyone rushes out of the theater* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 23 2008, 02:30 AM Post #12 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"Pippin and the Sue End Up With Gandalf in Minas Tirith. Hasn't the City Suffered Enough?" *Everyone troops back in, blankets and pillows in tow* Mac: Might as well be comfortable. Remus: Let’s just try not to fall asleep again. Sai: Yeah…I think I still have some hearing damage from that air horn. *Mac decides to do an experiment* Mac: Dye, pop seeing a ramba seen! Sai: I am not being a drama queen! Erik: Wow. Anyway, this chapter? Mac: More Troubles With Men Chapter Twelve Sai: Months in year. Kate watched as her sister, seated atop Firemane, rode after Gandalf and Pippin who were perched on Shadowfax's back. Legolas walked up beside her and gently rubbed her back, knowing how worried she was about her sister. Boromir sighed heavily and his head drooped with sadness. Kate put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and smiled at him. "Jess will be fine," Kate said. "She's smart and brave. She'll know what to do when trouble arises." Jareth: Create more. "Thank you," Boromir said quietly. The group of Rohirrim and the members of the Fellowship mounted their horses and began to ride towards Helm's Deep, where they would rest before continuing on to Edoras. Kate couldn't help worrying about her sister. She believed what she had said to Boromir, but she was still concerned. Jess had a nasty temper, and if Denethor ticked her off- which Kate was certain would happen- then the Steward of Gondor would get grilled. Erik: So Jareth was right too. Kate grinned when she thought of that. She could just see her sister towering over the Steward as he sat in his chair. Jess' face would be flushed, her eyes blazing with fury, and her hands would be firmly planted on her hips. Denethor would never know what hit him. Sai: Neither would Jess once Denethor’s guards got to her. Before the group reached Helm's Deep, they were stopped by a company of thirty horsemen. Remus: Centaurs? They better watch out. They’re nasty. Aragorn dismounted and drew his sword, leaving Merry alone on the back of Hasofeld. Legolas and Kate pulled out a few arrows and notched them into their bowstrings while Gimli tightened his grip on his axe and Boromir unsheathed his sword. Mac: Translation: Aragorn dismounted and drew his sword while the others readied their respective weapons. Remus: Point Mac. "Halt! Who rides in Rohan?" Eomer called out to the riders. "Rohan did you say?" the leader of the mysterious riders asked eagerly. "That is a glad word! We seek that land in haste from long afar." Sai: Run away! Rohan has been infected with the stupid! "You have found it," Eomer replied motioning towards the fords of the river Isen. "When you crossed the fords yonder you entered it. But it is the realm of Théoden the King. None ride here save by his leave." Eomer paused, scrutinizing the riders suspiciously. "Who are you?" he demanded. "And what is your haste?" Remus (Rider): We were sent to warn you about the horrible Sues and…oh crap! They’re here! Mac (The Doctor): I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. "Halbarad Dunadan, Ranger of the North I am," the leader of the riders said proudly. "We seek one Aragorn son of Arathorn, and we have heard that he was in Rohan." Erik: Wait, Aragorn knows these guys? Mac: He’s their leader. Erik: And he hasn’t recognized them yet? Halbarad? Kate thought in confusion. Now I really wish Jess was here so she could explain who the heck these guys are. Erik (Tour guide): And you see the author has “cleverly” inserted the title into the story. Quatre: You may need Jess, Shadow, but we have Mac. Mac: And I have Wikipedia. "And you have found him also!" Aragorn cried joyfully, running forward and embracing the man. Jareth: Now he recognizes them? "Halbarad! Of all joys, this is the least expected!" He turned back towards his companions. "All is well! Here are some of my own kin Remus: His own kin? He doesn’t recognize his own kin? Quatre: Looks like the stupid has gotten Aragorn as well. Mac: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Aragorn’s character. It is sad it followed Gimli’s so soon. from the far land where I dwelt. But why they come, and how many they be, Halbarad shall tell us." "I have thirty with me. That is all of our kindred that could be gathered in haste; but the brethren Elladan and Elrohir have ridden with us, desiring to go to war." Kate clapped her hands in delight and rushed forward, embracing the two elves. Sai: I’m guessing they are Elladan and Elrohir? Mac: Yep. Identical twins. Remus: Anything like the Weasley twins? In Rivendell, she and Jess had grown quite close to all of Elrond's children. Remus and Mac: Of course they had! "Elladan and Elrohir, you mischievous fiends!" she laughed, tears of joy in her eyes. "You just couldn't resist the chance to win the hearts of a few more ladies, could you?" "Hardly," Elladan said with a laugh. "What did you expect? That we would come to actually aide you?" "That is the most ridiculous notion I have ever heard!" Elrohir piped up. Remus: The Weasley twins. Mac: It’s how most Suethors portray the twins. Jessica... Jess rode behind Gandalf, Firemane's pace perfectly matching that of Shadowfax. Pippin was dropping off, Quatre: Well, pick him up then! and Jess smiled softly when she remembered all of the times that Boromir had held her so that she wouldn't fall off of the back of her horse. Jess felt slightly apprehensive about meeting Denethor. He was Boromir's father and her least favorite character, so she was certain that they would never get along. Mac: Well, if you go in with a mindset like that, it is certain you won’t. Gandalf looked over at her and smiled. "You are far away, Jessica," he said. "My heart is far away, with Boromir." "Perhaps you should sing to take your mind off of him," the wizard suggested. All: NOOOOOOOOOOO! GANDALF! "You know very well that doing so will only make me think more about him, but all right." All: DAMNIT! SKIP! SKIP! Jess smiled softly and ran her fingers through Firemane's mane as she sang. Mac: Why did it have to be Disney? SKIP! SKIP! Gandalf grinned smugly, knowing that Jess and Boromir would be married in the near future. Jareth: Everyone knows that. Pippin stirred and smiled at Jess. Jareth: Bugger. Just SKIP! SKIP! Jess threw her head back and let her voice swell. She wondered if Boromir could hear her. Sai: No, he’s too far away. SKIP! SKIP! In Helm's Deep, Boromir lifted his head and looked around him. He could have sworn that he had heard Jessica singing. He shook his head, but the feeling continued to pester him. Remus: Oh right, Helm’s Deep has those paper thin walls. SKIP! SKIP! Jess smiled and she hoped that Boromir could feel her love for him. I miss you already, she thought. In Helm's Deep, Boromir started as he heard Jess' voice in his head. I miss you too, he thought. Jess gasped but continued her song. Quatre: SKIPPETY-SKIP-SKIP! SKIP! When she had finished, Jess closed her eyes and focused her mind on Boromir. Can you hear me love? Yes, came the firm reply. How is this possible? Jess smiled and shook her head. It seems that I am now able to communicate mentally across great distances, as the Lady Galadriel can. That makes me feel better, Boromir's voice replied. Now I shall always be able to speak to you. Jess smiled. I love you. I love you too. Mac: Wait, wasn’t a mental link already established between these two a few chapters ago? Sai: We’re still on hold at the Department of Redundancies Department. Erik: Well, they got in their “I love you” quota. Gandalf watched Jessica and smiled. He was very satisfied. Jess' powers were growing greater everyday, as was her love for Boromir. Jareth: Oh, spare me. Days passed on horseback, and soon Jess was seriously considering killing something. Suddenly, the city of Minas Tirith appeared out of the distance. Jess forgot all homicidal thoughts and gasped. Jackson only captured part of this city's magnificence! You have finally seen the White City? Boromir asked in a teasing tone. Jess rolled her eyes. Even at a distance, Boromir could be impossible. You're rolling your eyes, aren't you? Jess laughed mentally. You know me too well. Remus: Good Jonas, you're making me sick! Boromir's laugh filled her mind and Jess smiled softly. She regained her composure as she and Gandalf entered the great city of Minas Tirith, but only for a short time. Jess braced herself for an unpleasant encounter as Gandalf briefed Pippin on what he should and shouldn't do. Mac (Gandalf): Stand up straight. Remus (Gandalf): Smile. Mac (Gandalf): Be a gentleman. Remus (Gandalf): And above all… Mac and Remus (Gandalf): YOU MUST CONTROL YOUR TEMPER! "Yeah, yeah," she interrupted impatiently. "Don't mention Frodo, the Ring, or Aragorn. One more thing, Denethor cannot know that Boromir is alive. If he does, we will suffer greatly." All: WAIT? WHAT? Mac: Why does Denethor think that Boromir is dead? Later... Jess leaned against a wall and sighed. "Tell me I didn't just offer my services to Lord I-hate-my-youngest-son-even-though-he-works-his-butt-off-to-please-me Denethor?" Quatre: Err, okay. You didn’t. "I am afraid that you did," Gandalf said coldly. Erik: Wait! There appears to be some signs of life coming from Gandalf’s grave! Mac: Don’t get your hopes up. It’s just natural spasms that occur after a character death. "Good Grief, Jess," she muttered angrily. "What mess will you make next?" Mac: I don’t know. In the books/movies, Pippin offers his services to Denethor because Boromir died trying to protect him and Merry from the orcs. I don’t know why either would then pledge themselves to him. Erik: Somebody forgot to check her logic at the front door, didn’t she? Jess turned to Gandalf and smiled sweetly. "Mithrandir, why don't you try and knock some sense into the good Steward? I'm sure that Pippin and I will be fine." Remus: And she’s ordering him around? Isn’t he a demigod? Mac: Yeah. Jareth: That’s it. She is now named “Twit.” Gandalf huffed, but walked back into the White Tower. Jess sighed and walked over to the wall. She looked out at the Pelannor Fields and grinned. Well, so that's where Faramir is, she thought as she spotted Osgiliath. Yes, Boromir's voice replied. I hope to make that city a center of art and music once more. All: Huh? Mac: That seems to be Faramir’s area of specialty. I'm sure you will, love. Jess sighed and beckoned for Pippin to come over. The hobbit hurried over and climbed onto a basket so thathe could see over the wall. Jareth: Someone forgot to hit the spacebar. "You see that city in the distance?" Jess asked, pointing at Osgiliath. Pippin nodded and Jess continued. "That is the city of Osgiliath, the last stronghold of Gondor. Boromir's younger brother Faramir is there right now, trying to hold the city." "Will he be able to?" Pippin asked in concern. Jess shook her head. "It's not very likely. Orcs already have the far shore. If they cross the river, then there will be nothing that Faramir can do to hold the city." Jess sighed and tried to smile. "But enough gloomy talk! Let's see if we can find a guide around the city." Remus: And suddenly, no one in Minas Tirith was around. As if waiting for her to say this, a tall man dressed like a Guard of the Citadel stepped forward. "Are you the Lady Jessica?" he asked timidly. Jareth: Please say “no,” please say “no”…I don’t want to catch the stupid! "I am. Who might you be, good soldier?" Jess asked. She already knew who he was. After reading The Return of the King over a dozen times, she could identify every miniscule character. Erik: And yet still mess up their character. "I am Beregond of the Tower Guard," the tall man said with a bow. Pippin bowed low and Jess curtsied, even though she nearly toppled over in the attempt. *All in the theater laugh* Mac: She can’t even curtsy? Good Jonas, what a joke! "I am Jessica, as you have obviously been informed," she said as she straightened herself awkwardly. "My companion is Lord Peregrin Took of the North Country of the Shire." Erik: Is he a Lord? Mac: In a way, he would be addressed as a lord. He’ll take over his clan and be a property holder, so a member of what was known as the gentry. Erik: You think Crys Evans realized this? Mac: Probably not. "I am honored to make your acquaintances. They said that a great lord of the Halflings was come with the Savior of Middle-earth. I had just thought that they were rumors." Remus: No, unfortunately, they are true. Spread the word. "The part about a great lord of the Halflings is a rumor," Pippin reported with a grin. "I am little more than a child to my people." "Indeed? How old are you, Master Halfling?" "Twenty-nine," Pippin said, his chest swelling with pride. "Nine years my senior," Jess muttered dryly. Quatre: And look how you treat him! Mac: Point Quatre. Beregond turned to Jessica and looked her up and down. "Are you truly the Savior of Middle-earth, lady?" "Yes," Jess said. "I am a pure-blood descendant of the House of Elros on my mother's side. If you wish, I shall demonstrate some of my powers for you." Mac: Aww, man, not again! "I would be honored, Lady," Beregond said with a bow. Jess walked over to a fountain, put her hand in the water and closed her eyes. Nen, you know what to do. A small geyser of water shot up out of the fountain, causing Beregond to fall back a step in astonishment. Jess smiled softly and called on Sul. The wind picked up around the three companions, lifting their cloaks and hair. Pippin grinned and laughed. Nar, Jess thought sweetly. Say no more, child, came the reply. A small ball of fire appeared above Jess' hand and then Sai: Quickly consumed her in flames. Quatre: Sue flambé! Mac: It would probably be incredibly sickeningly sweet. shot into the air, crackling so much that Beregond looked afraid that the White Tree would catch fire. Jess closed her hand and the flames disappeared. Finally, she knelt down and gently touched the ground. Under her fingers, the ground turned green. Beregond's face lit up. "Lady, could you restore the Tree?" Erik: It’s dead. Mac: Has been for a while. Erik: And no one has cut it down because? Mac: Reason given below. "Even if I could, which I doubt," Jess said as she stood up, "I wouldn't. The Tree must remain as it is until the Return of the King and a new Tree is found." Erik: Oh. Pippin looked from Jess to the Guard and back. He couldn't follow their conversation at all, so he gave that pursuit up. "When is the next meal to be served?" the hobbit asked bluntly. "I haven't eaten a decent meal in days, and it's getting to me." Sai: I love Pippin. Remus: Let’s invite Pippin to our Remote Room of Doom! Jess rolled her eyes and Beregond smiled kindly. "The men have just eaten the noon meal," he reported. "But," he added, seeing how crushed Pippin looked, "since you are both guests of the Steward and new to our ranks, I am sure they will allow me to get you a small meal." Mac (Cogsworth): Crust of bread, glass of water. Sai (Lumiere): Come now, they aren’t prisoners, they’re our guests! After Beregond procured a small picnic luncheon for them, they moved to the walls and began to eat. Jess sat with her left leg tucked under her and with her left arm resting on the top of the battlements. All: Wow…we so needed to know that! Not. She sighed heavily and wondered where the others were at this moment. Remus: Helm’s Deep…that of the paper thin walls. Mac: Celebrating that you weren’t there. Boromir… Boromir, Legolas, and Gimli listened carefully as Aragorn outlined his plan. Katelyn had gone ahead with Merry and the Rohirrim, much to Legolas' sadness. Mac: I think you mean “relief.” The Elf knew that Kate was safer with Théoden, but he could not help feeling sorrowful at their parting. Boromir smiled in understanding and put a reassuring hand on the Elf's shoulder. "I am afraid, my friends, that I must take the Paths of the Dead." Others: Who? Mac: Aragorn. The Suethor isn’t great at identifying people. Katelyn… Kate stroked Sunchaser's mane and sighed heavily. First, Jess had gone off with Pippin and Gandalf, now Legolas had sent her off with the Rohirrim. Beside her, Merry was talking rapidly with Théoden about the growing of pipeweed in the Shire. Remus: Hey, can we hear that conversation instead? *Others break out notebooks and pens/quills* Kate rolled her eyes and grinned softly. Merry would always be a bubbly, talkative hobbit, even after he had been through such a traumatic incident as his being held prisoner by a band of Uruk-Hai. All: Good for him! Way to go, Merry! Mac: Or, he’ll secretly snap like Quatre did. Quatre: I didn’t really snap secretly…but…let’s not talk about it. "Hullo there, Katie," Merry said suddenly, pulling Kate out of her reverie. "Am I boring you?" Kate was tempted to say yes, but shook her head with a smile. "I was just wondering whether Jess is in Minas Tirith yet and what Aragorn and the Grey Company are planning." Erik: Liar. "I've been wondering about that too," Merry said seriously. "But, you know me; I'm not one to let that sort of thing keep me down." Kate rolled her eyes. "Oh, yes, I know enough of your personality to be sure of that," she muttered dryly. Théoden smiled kindly at the Elf-girl. Mac: Elleth. Erik: That’s what they are called? Mac: Yes. "Fear not for your sister and friends. They are all capable fighters." "I know," Kate said slowly, "but I can't help worrying." "Are you older than Jess?" Merry demanded. Jareth: Wow, change in tone. Mac: Not deliberate. Erik: Yes, once again, the Suethor was trying to be “fancy” and failed. "No," Kate said with a grin. "I'm two years younger than she is." "One would not know that from looking at the two of you," Merry said with a grim nod. "You often behave in a more mature manner than Jess does. All: YES! YES! You are both delightful company, but she is much more-- carefree than you are." Mac: Merry is being diplomatic here. He really means, more stupid. "And don't I know it?" Kate asked sarcastically. "Jess is a real handful unless you know her really well." Merry sighed. "I hope Pip isn't causing too much trouble." Remus: Okay, after that confession, you’re worried about Pippin? Mac: Point Remus. Jessica… Jess sighed in pleasure as she slid into the hot water of a bath. She leaned back and closed her eyes, just letting the water eat away at the grime and grease on her body. All: Eww… I wish I had a razor so I could shave my legs, Jess thought vaguely. She glanced down at her legs and her jaw dropped. She hadn't shaved her legs in over three months, and yet her legs were perfectly smooth. Much smoother than they ever were when she shaved them herself. Mac (Church Lady): Well, isn’t that special? "I'll be darned!" she muttered, leaning her head back so that her hair was soaking in the water. "Well, that's one less thing I have to worry about." Quatre: Point? Erik: Quatre, we’ve sporked twelve chapters of this monstrosity. Haven’t you learned there is no point? In the other room, Pippin was looking over the livery he had been given as a Guard of the Citadel. He looked over the chain mail, tunic, pants, helmet, and sword with a slight anxiety growing in his stomach. "So," he said nervously, "I imagine this is just a-- ceremonial position. I mean," he chuckled weakly, "they don't actually expect us to do any fighting." He looked up at Gandalf in worry. "Do they?" All (Guards): Hell YEAH! "You and Jessica are in the Steward of Gondor. You're both going to have to do as you're told." Mac: Well, Jess is going to fail miserably at that. Jess pulled on a nightgown and walked out of the bathroom, drying her hair. "I make no guaranties on that note, Gandalf," she said dryly. Mac: See? "If Denethor's attitude doesn't improve drastically in the next few days, I won't be listening to any of his orders." "Jessica," Gandalf said patiently, reminding Jess of Mr. Harrison from The Man from Snowy River, "That is not wise, and I hope that you see that." Jess snorted and began brushing out her hair. Pippin walked over to the balcony of their small house, rested his crossed arms on the railing, and sighed. "It's so quiet," the hobbit whispered. Sai (Pippin): Look at me! Look at me! Gandalf walked over to stand beside the hobbit and sighed. "It's the deep breath before the plunge." Pippin shivered. "I don't want to be in a battle," he said quietly. "But-- waiting on the edge of one that I can't escape is even worse." Jess walked over and ruffled Pippin's hair affectionately. Jareth: Give me that. *Takes keyboard* Jareth: *headkeyboard*jwrie;o jsfhdoi;hweto;ihf Mac: Wow. "I know exactly how you feel, Pip." Pippin looked down at the Anduin River. "Is there any hope, Gandalf?" he asked. "For Frodo and Sam?" Sai (Pippin): No, bitch, this is my time. Deal with it. *Quatre has ears covered* Quatre: Mac, Sai said the “b” word! Mac: I think it was deserved this time. Gandalf rubbed his eyes tiredly and sighed. "There never was much hope. Just a fool's hope." Jess shook her head fervently. "No, Mithrandir. There was much more hope than that. Even if there wasn't, we've still gotten this far and that has to prove something. We are all still alive, aren't we?" Pippin smiled weakly and hugged Jessica's waist. "Don't ever loose hope, Pip," Jess whispered. Erik: ANOTHER SONG? SKIP! SKIP! Jess closed her eyes and sent her thoughts soaring across the leagues and tried to find Boromir or Kate. Mac (Operator): The mind you have tried to reach is not available. Please hang up and try your telepathic call again. Oh, and SKIP! SKIP! Gandalf carried the yawning Pippin over to his bed and tucked the blankets around the young hobbit. Jareth: SKIP! Just…SKIP! SKIP! Pippin turned over and watched Jess as she sat down on the balcony and looked out over the Pelannor Fields. Quatre: My turn! Loo-loo-SKIP-to-my-loo, my darling! SKIP! Jess sighed and smiled at Pippin, who had fallen asleep. Gandalf smoothed the young hobbit's hair and walked over to Jess. "The board is set," he muttered sadly, "and the pieces are moving." Jess nodded. "If Osgiliath is lost, then we will be closer to receiving a checkmate. But I have little hope for Osgiliath." A/N: yeah, the two songs that I used in this chapter are "If I Never Knew You" from Pocahontas, and "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts. Enjoy! Mac: And we don’t care. Quatre: Chapter’s over? Mac: Chapter’s over. Who wants to go play “war”? Jareth: Sounds fun. *All leave* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 24 2008, 12:25 AM Post #13 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"Denethor Slaps the Sue. Is Anything Else Important?" *All drudge in* Jareth: More? Erik: More. Mac: This has got to end soon. Quatre’s sanity hinges on it. Erik: I highly doubt he would be dangerous were he to go off-kilter. Sai: Uh…trust me. It was scary. Remus: This chapter? Mac: Fevers and Battles Chapter Thirteen Erik: Lucky Chapter Thirteen! A few days later, Jess was standing on the walls of the citadel and looking out over the Pelannor Fields when she saw about thirty small specks moving towards the city. Remus: It’s the PLAGUE of LOCUSTS! "Oh, Holy Crap!" Jess gasped. "Kehmen," she called out in Elvish, "Help them!" There was no replying voice, but Jess saw that the earth seemed to rise under the feet of the riders, urging them forward. "Mithrandir! Faramir needs help!" she shouted. She watched in anxiety as Gandalf rode out of the city towards Faramir and his men. Sai: Wasn’t that scene in the movie because Jackson originally wanted Gandalf and Pippin to arrive with Faramir? Mac: Yep. She was sorely tempted to start biting her nails, but refrained. Finally, the White Rider and Faramir marched into the citadel. Jess ran over to them and hugged the old wizard. "Are you all ok?" she asked, looking down at Pippin, who looked shaken. "Yes," Pippin managed to squeak. "Faramir," Gandalf said in a very serious tone, "this is the Lady Jessica, one of the Fellowship that your brother joined. Jessica, I present Faramir, Denethor's second son." "It's a pleasure to meet you," Faramir said with a bow. Jess curtsied awkwardly and smiled. Faramir looked like David Wenham, Jareth: Oh, more movie actor descriptions. but his hair was much darker. Good! Jess thought triumphantly. "I feel as if I already know you," Jess said. "Boromir spoke very highly of you." "Thank you," Faramir said sadly. "That means a lot to me." Later that day… Faramir found Jess sitting beside a fountain, running her hand through the water and humming a strange song that he had never heard. *Remus grabs keyboard* Remus: *headkeyboard*;woiehfeidfjlwoiehfawo hfahskf SKIP!hfaihfieha SKIP! Faramir listened in admiration. A small part of him wondered if Boromir had fallen in love with this woman. Mac: Unfortunately, yes. Then, he saw her pull out a familiar pendant and all of his questions were answered. Mac: SKIP! SKIP! Jess fiddled with the pendant that Boromir had given her and smiled softly. I love you, Boromir. And I love you, he replied. Erik: Oh, they reached quota. SKIP! SKIP! She sighed and ran her fingers through the water. As her fingers made a path in the water, small geysers erupted behind her. Faramir's eyes widened in astonishment. Quatre (Faramir): I didn’t know the fountains could do that! Oh, and SKIP! SKIP! The geysers grew larger as Jess' emotions swelled with the song. Jareth: I didn’t know emotions could swell. SKIP! SKIP! Jess sighed and rubbed her eyes. She saw Faramir and smiled kindly. "I heard you some time ago," she said teasingly. Erik: Oh, she has sensitive ears, I guess? Mac: Apparently. Faramir chuckled and sat down beside her. "Your voice is fairer than that of an Elf-maid." Jareth: Who is tone-deaf. Jess looked down into the water with a sad smile. Faramir was obviously Boromir's brother. "Thank you. Boromir said the same thing to me when we were in Rivendell." Faramir looked closely at her and sighed. "Did you-- love my brother?" Mac: Seriously, Crys Evans, you left a gaping plot hole. Boromir didn’t die, probably still has his horn, so there would be no sign of his death. Erik: Just calm down. Jess ran a hand through her hair and smiled. "I still do. Something you will learn, Faramir, is that love survives the eternities, even if one or both parties don't." Quatre: But he’s not dead! "Tell me--" Faramir paused. "If this is too much of a personal question, I understand, but-- how did you fall in love with Boromir?" Jess chuckled. "I first met your brother five days out of Rivendell. I had been pulled out of my world to fulfill a prophecy, and- I won't lie- I was frightened. My fear led me to be extremely rude to Boromir. I couldn't believe that I was here. He took me to Rivendell with him, and we got to know each other better. He fell in love with me first, and I was scared. In Moria-- I saw all of my friends and my sister nearly die. When I saw Boromir in danger, I knew that I would be miserable if he died. I have loved him ever since." *Silence* Remus: Did the Sue just sum up the story in one paragraph? Mac: Yes. Jareth: That is the most boring paragraph ever. Even makes Aragorn’s speech a few chapters ago seem riveting. Faramir smiled. "I saw that you had my mother's pendant. Did he propose to you?" "Yes," Jess said. "Had things been different, I would most likely have been your sister-in-law by now." "I would have been honored to have you as a sister," Faramir said sincerely. Jess laughed dryly. "I don't think your father shares the sentiment." Sai: He must be the smart one in the family, then. "He can be--" "Over bearing?" Jess demanded. "Petty? Insulting? Stupid?" She sighed. "I'm sorry. I know that you admire and love your father and it's not my place to criticize." Mac: Then shut up! "Actually," Faramir said with a wry smile, "you weren't that far off." Mac: Look, Faramir loves his father. So does Boromir. Neither would appreciate some obnoxious twit of girl insulting him. Jess smiled and squeezed Faramir's hand. "Tell me, Faramir, what was it like when you were a child? Boromir didn't talk about growing up that often… except for when he gave me this," she held up the pendant. Faramir nodded. "I barely remember my mother. I remember when she died. Boromir was about ten at the time and he had developed a habit of pacing the hallways while our father spoke to the healers. I didn't understand what was going on and tried to get Boromir to play with me as he used to. He snapped at me and I was left to my own devices. When she died, father was the one to tell me. What he said was, 'Faramir, your mother is dead. Now, let's not have any needless tears.' I waited until he was gone to cry. Boromir heard me and spent the night telling me stories of ancient heroes and our mother." Sai: Must not fall asleep again. Must not fall asleep again. "He has done something similar for me," Jess said with an affectionate smile. "I was plagued with nightmares after Moria and he-- stayed by me and held me through the night, a shield against my fears. It was one of his ways of showing how much he loved me." Quatre: It is getting hard not to nod off. "I'm glad that he found someone who accepted his love so unconditionally," Faramir said. "He used to talk about when he married. 'I will have five sons, and you will help me teach them to be true warriors of Gondor,' he used to say." Mac (Jess): Hold up! Five sons? Uh…I think I need to rethink this marriage offer. Did you really? Jess thought in amusement. He's exaggerating, was Boromir's response. "Well, I hope the number of sons decreased with the years," Jess said in mock exhaustion. "I have two younger brothers and I don't think I could stand raising five boys." Mac: Wow. A Suethor actually mentioned the brothers again. Erik: We still won’t see them though, right? Mac: Right. Faramir laughed merrily. Jess liked his laugh. It reminded her of Boromir's booming laugh, but Faramir's laugh was much sadder than any other Jess had ever heard. "Yes," Faramir said. "Boromir eventually resigned himself to never marrying and having me as his heir. But, he never did give up the dream that he would meet the perfect woman." Remus: Wait, he wanted to meet a Mary Sue? Erik: He got his wish. Jess laughed outright when she heard that. "Well," she said with a chuckle, "I am far from being perfect. Jareth: Liar. I have a horrid temper which, unfortunately, he has been on the receiving end of." Erik: Which is the biggest Mary Sue sign of them all. "Really?" Faramir asked with an amused smile. "That is news to me. Was he intimidated?" "I should think so!" Jess scoffed. "I gave him the third degree!" Faramir looked confused. "Sorry, I meant that I gave him a good old-fashioned scolding." Mac: That’s not what the third degree means! It means intense questioning. "What happened?" "We were trying to cross Caradhras and I collapsed from exhaustion. He lifted me onto our pack pony and I began shouting at him. I told him that I wasn't made of porcelain and could walk on my own. My voice can be very deadly when I want it to be, you know," Jess said with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. Remus: She’s stolen Dumbledore’s twinkle! Mac: You give that back, young lady! Faramir smiled. "I'm sure. Now, if you will excuse me, I must make my report to my father." Erik (Faramir): Dad, Boromir is marrying a complete nut case! I think we need to fear for his sanity. Boromir… The Grey Company was greeted at Dunharrow by the Lady Eowyn. Boromir was slightly surprised when he saw how eager the young woman seemed when she saw Aragorn. Eowyn couldn't have been much older than Jess, but she appeared to be greatly attracted to a man who was over sixty years her senior. Mac: Well, that certainly makes it sound perverted. Good thing I ship Faramir and Eowyn. This would only end in heartache for Eowyn. Katelyn… Jareth: Also known as Shadow. The Riders of Rohan arrived in Dunharrow nearly two days after the Grey Company and found an emotionally shattered Eowyn waiting for them. Kate already knew what the problem was and prepared to have a good heart-to-heart talk with Eowyn. That night, while the riders gathered around their fires for drinks and storytelling, Kate followed Eowyn. "Eowyn, may I speak with you?" "Yes," Eowyn said kindly. "What can I do for you, Katelyn?" "Do you love Aragorn?" Eowyn's eyes widened in alarm. "Why do you ask such a question?" she demanded. "I think I might be able to help you," Kate replied. "If you do truly love Aragorn, then I am happy for you. However, I have doubts concerning your feelings for the future king." "If I do not love the Lord Aragorn," Eowyn said slowly, "then how else can I explain my feelings?" "Does your heart leap and flutter when he is near?" Eowyn nodded. "Does your stomach feel light when you think of him?" Another nod. "Well, your symptoms all point to one thing: in my world, we call it a crush. You would call it infatuation." "Do you really think that I do not love Aragorn?" Mac: Of course not! You don’t have the clammy hands! Sai: What? Erik: Ugly Betty. True love equals clammy hands. "I didn't say that. I'm just saying that you need to be careful when you analyze your feelings." Just so long as you still go to the Pelannor Fields, Kate added mentally. *Jareth grabs the keyboard and fiddles around* Jessica… Twit… "'Is there not a captain who is brave enough to do the will of his lord'?" Jess mimicked spitefully. "That idiot is going to send his son to his death and he doesn't even care! See," she said, turning on Pippin, "this is why I never liked Denethor! He's such a crazed idiot that-- ugh!" Pippin looked at Gandalf for help in dealing with the irritated woman, but the wizard didn't notice the conversation. Erik: He had since successfully learned to block out Twit’s ramblings. "If I don't kill Denethor before the battle," Jess growled to herself, "it'll be a stinking miracle!" She took a deep breath and sighed. "Ok," she said slowly, "I'm calm. I'm going to the stables." She stormed into the stables and buried her face in Firemane's mane.1 Sai: Mac? Mac: Here: Haha. Kind of awkward wording, wouldn't you say? Remus: Then why didn’t you fix it, idiot? "You're lucky that you don't have to worry about psychopathic Stewards, wizards, and Dark Lords, mellon nim." Jess spent the next three days on the walls of Minas Tirith, refusing to report for duty until Faramir returned. Mac: And she hasn’t faced a court martial or been drummed out because…? Denethor was angry, but he hid it well enough. Finally, Jess saw Faramir's seemingly lifeless body being carried up to the citadel. She hurried over and knelt down beside him. His skin was burning with fever and his right arm was pierced by three arrows. All: Ouch… "Faramir," Jess whispered. "Stay strong, mellon nim. All will be well." Suddenly, Denethor and his entourage came running up. "Say not that he has fallen," Denethor sobbed. Sai: Err, okay! He’s all fine and hunky-dory! Remus: *sniggers* Hunky-dory? "Well," Jess said sarcastically, "what else would you call his condition, my lord?" Denethor glared viciously. "What do you know of his condition, Savior of Middle-earth?" he snarled. Erik: You know, Denethor may be completely nuts, but I love him. "Infinitely more than you know," Jess shot back, crossing her arms. "At least I have the sense to see how hard Faramir works for your approval and love. You have brushed him off ever since the death of his mother, Finduilas, and he has been heart-broken because of it. That's why he rode out to Osgiliath, against his better judgment." Denethor leapt to his feet in fury and backhanded her. Jess reeled back and felt her anger boiling. *Silence* Erik: Did he just slap the Sue? Mac: Yes. Yes, he did. *Confetti party* Sai: I haven’t felt this good since Ryo slapped Yuli! "What do you know of anything you have said, girl?" Denethor hissed. "You do not know anything about me!" Jess gently touched her cheek where Denethor had struck her and glared at the Steward. "I know more about you than you think I do. You have not been telling anyone in this city the truth of your 'foresight'. You truly wish that Faramir had died instead of Boromir, though you wouldn't allow him to go to Rivendell in his brother's place. Now, your mind is balancing on a thin line between sanity and madness. I know you very well, Denethor," she sneered. All: Wow… Denethor looked as if he would slap Jessica again but controlled himself and walked over to the wall. All: Aww… The sight that greeted him was that of a huge army of orcs and trolls. All: Uh oh… "Rohan has deserted us," he whispered. Behind him, Jess rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation. "Théoden's betrayed me." Erik (Theoden): I’m trying to get there. Just be patient! It takes time to rally an army and get to Gondor from Rohan. "If anyone is a traitor to this country, Lord Denethor," Jess said in a dangerous low voice, "it's you." Denethor spun around and would have attacked Jess if Gandalf hadn't knocked him unconscious. Mac: Oh right, Kung-Fu Action Gandalf! Erik: There were other Gandalfs? Mac: In Fellowship, there was Break-Dancing Action Gandalf. "Prepare for battle!" the old wizard ordered. Jess whistled and Firemane came running towards her. She calmly mounted her horse and rode down to the lower levels of the city. Once there, she dismounted and sent Firemane back to the stables. Quatre: Then why didn’t she just walk down? Mac: It would’ve made more sense and taken more time. With her face as unreadable as stone, Jess unsheathed her swords. Sul, Nar, Nen, Kehmen, she thought calmly, now is your chance to truly help me. Sai (Elements): Yeah…we don’t think so. Lousy ingrate. Mac: Point Sai. Jess closed her eyes and stood at the front of the ranks of Gondor. Suddenly, the earth heaved under a battalion of orcs. The creatures were thrown into the air and fell with unearthly screams of fear and pain. Mac: Cue the Wilhelm scream! Then, a strong wind gathered around the soldiers of Gondor, leading their arrows straight and true into the ranks of their enemies with deadly effect. The soldiers began to cheer but Jess urged them to be quiet. "We have not won yet," she said. That was when the siege engines were brought forward. "Well this is just great," Jess muttered sarcastically. Nar, she called mentally, you know what to do. As you wish, child. The soldiers watched in awe as one of the great siege engines spontaneously burst into flame. "Aim for the trolls guiding the towers," Jess urged. Sai: Dear Jonas, she’s making a BATTLE scene boring! Katelyn…Shadow Mac: You are having fun with this? Jareth: Yep. Kate rode between Théoden and Eomer, fully outfitted for war. Merry smiled up at his friend when the three riders rode past him. "Little hobbits do not belong in war, Mast Meriadoc," Théoden said grimly. Kate braced herself as Merry's eyes filled with hurt. "But--" he sputtered. "All my friends have gone to battle! Even Pippin has!" Erik: How would he know? Remus: Lucky guess? "I am sorry," was the only answer that Théoden King gave his loyal esquire. "I want to fight!" Merry pleaded. Kate and Eomer followed Théoden's lead and turned their horses away from Merry. Kate, however, did manage to look back in time to see Eowyn (didn't Jess say she called herself Dernhelm when she rode to war?) lift Merry onto the saddle in front of her. Jareth: So, Shadow can go to war but Eowyn can’t? Mac: Well, Theoden did put Eowyn in charge in his absence. She just seeks a glorious death on the battlefield. Jareth: Oh. I like this Tolkien guy. Why do the Suethors insist on ruining his great work? Mac: Cause Legolas is HAWT! "Ride with me," Eowyn said so softly that if Kate's ears hadn't received the Elven upgrade that they had, she wouldn't have heard. "My lady!" Merry said in awe. Kate remembered when she and her family had gone to see The Return of the King in the movie theater. Her grandmother had begun laughing hysterically when she heard that line. Mac: Random much? Remus: Pointless much? Kate smiled grimly and urged Sunchaser to move faster. Jessica…Twit… Remus: He’s dangerous with a keyboard. Mac: I’ve noticed. Jess fought fiercely for hours until she was sure Denethor would prepare his funeral pyre. She ran through the streets of the city, trying to reach the citadel in time. Sai: Unfortunately, her sense of timing was off and she arrived too late. Erik: Point Sai. She arrived just as Denethor thrust Pippin out of the door. "I release you from my service," the maddened Steward said calmly. "Go now and die in what way seems best to you." Quatre: That’s incredibly morbid. Jess ran up to the hobbit and helped him to his feet. Pippin's eyes were clouding with tears of rage. "He's lost his mind!" he ranted. All: SWEET! Erik: Those are the best characters! "I know," Jess said as she dusted off his tunic. "Go and find Gandalf. I'll do what I can here." Pippin nodded and ran off. Jess looked around her and spotted Beregond. "Beregond!" she shouted. "Come quickly! The Lord Denethor has lost his mind and would try to burn Captain Faramir alive!" Mac (Jess): We’re going to roast marshmallows and sing camp fire songs! Beregond turned pale with fear and glanced over his shoulder. "I-- Lady Jessica, you must surely know that I cannot abandon my post without permission from my commander." "If anything goes ill in the battle, there will not be a post for you to abandon! Would you rather that the Captain Faramir should lose his life needlessly?" she demanded. Erik: So the Twit is going to rescue Faramir rather than Pippin? Quatre, she's stealing a main character's role. Quatre: A sign? Erik: Yes. Beregond hesitated a moment longer before following Jess, his sword drawn. At the door to the tombs, Jess stopped him. "Return thy sword to its sheath," she said soothingly. "You shall not need it." Goshdarnit! Jess thought angrily. I'm starting to talk like them now! Jess calmly walked up to the door warden and demanded the keys. The man's eyes grew wide with fear and he handed them over with trembling hands. Jess smiled and opened the doors. "Stay this madness!" she shouted. Sai (Madness): COOL! Denethor turned and sneered triumphantly. "You can do nothing to stop me," he hissed. Erik (Denethor): Neener, neener, neener! "Oh no?" Jess said calmly. "You do forget, my lord, that I am able to utilize the four elements. Jareth: We’re trying to. Stop reminding us. I can control whether you set fire to thyself and thy son. Do not do something rash." "In accepting the fealty of a woman and a Halfling, I was acting rashly," Denethor shot back. Mac (a la Raven): Oh SNAP! "Your son is not dead!" Jess shouted. "Would you destroy his chance at a better life?" Remus (Denethor): If it would save him from the stupid, then yes. "What better life?" Denethor bellowed. "There is no hope left for Gondor!" "And this coming from the Steward of Gondor," Jess tsked. "There may not be hope for you, but there is certainly hope for Faramir. Do not go through with this insanity." Jess prayed that Gandalf would arrive soon and her prayer was answered. "Enough of this madness!" Gandalf shouted. Sai (Madness): But she said I could stay! Pippin jumped down from Shadowfax's back and ran over to stand beside Jessica and Beregond. "What has possessed you to commit this heinous crime?" Gandalf demanded. Denethor cackled and held up a palantir. "Holy crap," Jess groaned. "This is so stupid!" All: No kidding… Pippin turned pale and his eyes widened in fear. "It's-- it's a--" Mac: The-the-THE GRINCH! "Palantir," Jess finished. "What have you been doing, Denethor?" she demanded. "I have been fighting deception!" Denethor screeched. "Did you ever consider that you are the one who has been deceived?" Jess shouted. "Sauron is the king of deception!" "I am above his deception!" Sai: And Kento thought he was above Dais’ deception. Mac: And that turned out so well. *Rolls eyes* "Ok," Jess said sarcastically. "Well, why don't you try to burn your son now?" Denethor jumped onto the pyre and dropped the torch. Jess shouted in Elvish and a geyser of water fell onto Faramir and Beregond gently lifted his captain. Mac: That was certainly anti-climatic. Remus: I find the use of speshul magical powers usually ruins a good climax. "No!" Denethor bellowed. "You shall not take my son from me!" "You already did that," Jess screeched. As an afterthought, she sent the others ahead and waited until Denethor had burned and took the palantir from him. "I shall take this for future use," she sneered. Jareth: You think the palantir will corrupt her? Erik: The all-perfect Mary Sue? What are you smoking? Jareth: Point. When she next saw Gandalf, the wizard's eyes widened alarmingly. "Jessica…" "I know, I took the palantir. I can handle it," she said. "I'm gonna stay by Faramir for the remainder of the battle. Go back to your command." Remus: And then Kung-Fu Action Gandalf taught the Sue a lesson in respecting her elders. Mac: Pont Remus. Jess sat down beside Faramir and took hold of his fevered hand. "Be strong, my brother," she muttered. "All will be well with you." Jareth: Why is she talking in underline? Mac: I don’t know. Probably some reason we’ve long forgotten. She looked down at the palantir and sighed heavily. "What do I do with you?" she muttered. Mac: Turn it into a bowling ball! Quatre: Use it in a traveling fair! With another sigh, she repositioned her hands on the smooth stone. "Worth a shot." She closed her eyes and clutched the palantir tightly. Come on, Sauron. I know you're out there. Finally, she heard his maniacal laughter. Hello, little one. Jess sneered mentally. Don't think that you can intimidate me now, Sauron. I have grown in strength since our last encounter. Good, came the Dark Lord's reply. Twice the pride, double the fall. Jareth: Makes sense to me. Sith, Jess growled. I will not be frightened. Fire, water, earth and wind twirled around her torso and her eyes gleamed with anger. Begone from this palantir! Good grief that sounded so dang stupid, even to me! Erik: You’re preaching to the choir, kid. When she opened her eyes again, the palantir was glowing dully and she saw the citadel of Minas Tirith. Well, that's done, she thought with a smile. Now for Faramir. Jess smiled down at her future brother-in-law and gently stroked his forehead. "Don't worry," she whispered gently. "Boromir will return soon." Jess sighed and thought of Boromir. I love you, Boromir. And I love you, Jessie. All: QUOTA! Hurry here, love. Faramir is very ill. I will. I promise that I will. Jess squeezed Faramir's hand. He's so like you, she thought. So kind and loving. It makes me miss you even more. I miss you too. Katelyn is with the Rohirrim at the moment. And you? The Paths of the Dead. Be careful. I want to see you safe. Jareth: Anyone else want to claw their own eyes out while reading these mental conversations? *All raise their hands.* Good, it's not just me. Suddenly, Faramir stirred and moaned in his fevered sleep. Jess stroked his forehead and soaked a rag in cold water. After washing his sweaty face, she began humming softly. Quatre: Oh no…no…no…NO! SKIP! SKIP! Jess felt so sure that Faramir could hear her and understand her. She leaned closer to him. Mac: Five bucks says this chick has no idea what the song is really about. SKIP! SKIP! She stroked Faramir's face again and kissed his forehead. Jareth: You know, from what I hear you speak of Heaven, Mac, this sounds like how I would…envision…damn. SKIP! SKIP! Faramir moaned again and clutched Jess' tunic. Remus: So, she’s singing a song about life after death to a man she wants to live? SKIP! SKIP! Jess sighed and leaned back. She hoped that Faramir would hold on like he had in the book. "Everything will be fine, Faramir," she whispered. Mac (whispering): No, it won’t. A/N: the songs I used were "Nothing I Have Ever Known" performed by Bryan Adams for the movie Spirit, and "Into the West" performed by Annie Lennox. Quatre: It’s over? Mac: The chapter? Yes. Quatre: Okay, good. *All leave* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 25 2008, 02:27 AM Post #14 |
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Resident Time Lady
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"There Are No Words. Just...Read It." *All enter* Mac: Okay, we’re almost done. Next chapter, the points get tallied. I want everyone to promise me something, okay? Others: Okay. Mac: No matter who wins, you request a vacation. Erik: Any particular place? Mac: Winner’s choice. Others: DEAL! Mac: After the Battle Chapter Fourteen Sai: Floor Fourteen is really Floor Thirteen in many buildings, so this chapter ain’t so lucky either. Erik: Cute. Jess woke up with a start when she heard Faramir whimpering in his sleep. She sat up quickly and began whispering encouragement. "Where oh where are the others?" she whispered. Mac and Quatre (singing): Where oh where can my little dog be? Where oh where can he be? Erik: Stop. Just…stop. Katelyn…Shadow… Mac: You’re going to do that the rest of the story, aren’t you? Jareth: There are only two more chapters to go. Kate sighed and urged Sunchaser forward. They were outside of Minas Tirith and Kate was beginning to worry. "Whatever happens," she heard Eowyn say to Merry, "Stay with me. I'll look after you." Kate rode closer to her two friends and put her hand on Eowyn's shoulder. "Do not be alarmed, Dernhelm," she whispered. "I know what has brought you here." Eowyn gave Katelyn a panicked look before she smiled. "Thank you, my friend." Mac (Eowyn): For possibly infecting me with the stupid. Jessica…Twit… Faramir moaned again in his sleep and Jess shot awake. She leaned over the stricken Captain of Gondor and whispered soothingly. Suddenly, she heard him whispering someone's name. He was whispering Boromir and Denethor's names. "Don't worry," she whispered soothingly. "Boromir will return." Boromir…Idiot… Mac: Him too? Remus: Are you going to rename us too? Jareth: No one is safe. Boromir stood at the bow of one of the black ships, waiting anxiously for the first sight of Minas Tirith. Suddenly, he saw flames and smoke rising from the lower levels of the city. He felt fear rising in his heart. Jessie, are you all right? Yes, Jess' voice said. I am fine. It's Faramir that you should worry about. I'm coming. Jessica…Twit… Jess had fallen asleep again, watching Faramir seeping fitfully. Jareth: How does one seep fitfully? *Everyone else laughs* Suddenly, she heard panicked shouts from the city. They were shouting about corsairs. Mac: I always read that line as “coarse hairs” and wonder why they would be shouting about coarse hairs. Remus: Maybe you do need a vacation. Jess yawned and rubbed her eyes tiredly. "The Grey Company. Oh, joy. You know what that means, Faramir? Your brother is on his way. Stay strong." Pippin ran in just then. "Jess! Aragorn's here! And Théoden and his riders!" Jess nodded. "I know. Go now, Guard of the Citadel. Help Gandalf while I do what I can here. Go on." Jess waited for hours before Aragorn arrived in the Houses of Healing. Mac: And in the mean time, she solved world hunger, found the cure for the common cold and achieved world peace. Quatre: Really? Mac: No, she just twiddled her thumbs. She embraced the future king and pointed towards Faramir. Then, she turned to face Boromir and kissed him soundly. Boromir was followed by Legolas, Gimli, and Kate. Sai: She kissed all three of them? Mac: I understand her sister… Kate's arm was in a sling. "What on Arda happened to you?" Jess demanded. "I got an arrow to the shoulder," Kate said with a wince of pain. She leaned heavily against Legolas and tried to smile. "Don't worry, Jess. I'm fine." Just then, Aragorn rose and moved on to help Eowyn and Merry. Erik: What happened to them? Mac: They killed the Witch-King. Jess and Boromir hurried over to the Captain and embraced him. Faramir clung to Boromir and began to cry with joy and relief. *Mac cries in anguish* "We took you for dead!" he sobbed. *Everyone comforts Mac* "I know," Boromir said soothingly. "But it was for the best." Boromir released his brother and smiled fondly at Jessica. "Faramir, this woman is going to be your sister as soon as this war is over." Quatre (Faramir): I was hoping this was a sick joke… Jess kissed his forehead and squeezed Faramir's hand. Faramir smiled weakly and held Jess and Boromir's hands tightly. "I am happy for both of you," he whispered. "You shall be truly happy together." Jess smiled and rested her head on Boromir's shoulder. Kate couldn't help smiling at the scene in front of her. The two sons of Denethor and Jess looked like a truly happy family. Erik: And you’re not included. Sai: Be grateful. She sighed and rubbed her shoulder petulantly. Legolas saw Kate's exhaustion and led her to a chair. Jareth: Wouldn’t a bed be more comfortable? Kate smiled gratefully and closed her eyes, trying to block out the pain of her wound and all her bumps and bruises. Jess stayed beside Faramir and Kate all that night except for momentary interludes when she left to gather water, bandages, food, or to visit Eowyn and Merry. Remus: So, a total of, what, ten minutes? Both the Captain of Gondor and her sister were grateful for her presence. When a fever set in on Katelyn, her sister was there to soothe her and clean her wounds properly. Mac: Because Gondor’s healers are idiots. During the Fellowship's stay in Lothlorien, both Kate and Jess had learned the Elven methods for healing, as well as some Numenorian elixirs and techniques from Aragorn. Remus and Mac: Of course they had! Sai: Must you do that? Remus: Come on, we’re almost done. Jess glanced at the different pastes, elixirs, and potions and grinned wryly. She and Kate exchanged a glance and knew that they were both thinking of the same thing. What is this, the Dark Ages? We're dealing with Medievalism here!1 Remus: Mac? Mac: Here we are: If you're a die-hard Trekkie, you'll know where this is from. For the record: I am not a Trekkie! I am a Star Wars fan to the core!! Erik: Here is where all Trekkies celebrate… Quatre: …and all Star Wars fans cry. Boromir watched his future wife with nothing less than adoring admiration. She would be fine here. When Aragorn saw the palantir, he asked Jess to bring it out to the gardens so that he could discuss it with her. "I just want to know," he had said very slowly, as if he was Mac: Talking to an idiot. Remus: Point Mac. afraid of the answer, "did you look into the Seeing Stone of Minas Anor?" Jess felt a little like young George Washington in the story of the chopped cherry tree. Mac: Which was made up by a biographer. Do your research! I cannot tell a lie, father. "I will not lie, Elessar," she had said in the same slow tone. "I did look into the palantir, much as you have peered into the Stone of Isengard." Aragorn had looked slightly surprised when she said that, but he had only asked to have the palantir. She nodded and handed it over to him with a mental warning. If you attempt to look into this Stone, be cautious. It has only bowed its power at my will. Sauron can still show you deceptive images. Mac: I’m still more speshul than you, Tolkien created character! Do not believe everything that you see. Though, she added to herself, I'm pretty darn sure that Jackson's scene with Aragorn seeing Arwen languishing won't happen, it never hurts to be prepared. After this, she had seen Aragorn staring at the Stone many times when she went for food or water for her patients. Remus (Aragorn): The reception on this thing is horrible! I can barely make out House! Erik (Aragorn): Where’s the porn? Mac: ERIK! *Hits him* Boromir refused to go to his own chambers in the Citadel, even when Aragorn and Gandalf insisted that he needed his rest. He wanted to be near his brother and Jessica, who had refused all orders and requests for her to rest. Instead, they fell asleep in each other's arms in an armchair beside Faramir's bed. *Remus hands out sickness bags* Legolas remained beside Katelyn in the Houses of Healing as well. He wanted her to feel his soothing presence in her fevered condition. When she became delirious, Legolas slipped behind her and cradled her in his arms. Remus: You know, we don’t know too much about their relationship. Mac: Of which we are very grateful. Gimli watched this from the doorway with detached affection and amusement. All: Huh? Pippin remained beside his dear friend, Merry, and told him stories of Minas Tirith that he had learned from Beregond. Eowyn's sleep was guarded by Eomer, who fell asleep with his head resting on his sister's right hand and his own hand resting on her shoulder. All: Aww…and yet entirely pointless. The next morning called Boromir and Eomer away for a council of the commanders of all the different armies. This left Jessica alone with the three bedridden 'Big People', as Merry and Pippin affectionately called Kate, Faramir, and Eowyn. Quatre: That’s height discrimination! Jess considered introducing Eowyn and Faramir a little early, but tossed that idea aside. The two would meet in good time. Mac: Yes, please don’t mess with my ship, okay? Instead, Jess had Kate carried into Faramir's room and laid down in the armchair and the three friends had a lively conversation. Jess and Kate told Faramir of their childhoods in America, while Faramir told them of his childhood. The two sisters learned a great deal about Boromir in that conversation. Erik (sighs): Boring paragraphs ahoy! "He was always playing pranks on the staff," Faramir said with a heart-felt laugh. "He used to slide down the banisters to escape our nanny, put dead rats under his bed for the chambermaids to find, and-- this was his pride and joy for years-- he would drive the household healers mad with fake diseases! He even dunked his head in steaming water to give himself a temperature and a sweat." Mac: So he did things students have been doing for years to get out of exams? Remus: Yep. I think even Sirius did that once. Jess laughed until her sides hurt and gasped for breath. "I never tried that, but I did play the part of a traitor. Whenever the oldest of our brothers tried to hide from our youngest brother, I would promise to not tell-- and then I'd turn around and tell!" *All groan* Mac: I used to play hide and go seek with my sister, start counting, wait till I was certain she was hidden and stop. When she came to find me, I would pretend she had screwed me up. So, I started counting again, she hid again and I stopped again. "She was pure evil," Kate said affectionately. Quatre: No, Mac was evil. She was lame. Erik: Was? "So were you!" Jess argued. "Kate used to come into my room and tease me about whatever actor or book character I was 'in love' with at the time." Jessica put air-quotes around the phrase in love. "But, I would do it right back." Erik: Oh, yes, you two were evil. Faramir smiled softly and sighed. "I am glad that I shall have both of you for sisters. I always wished that we had been able to have a little sister." "Well, you shall have two soon enough," Kate said quietly. "And I shall have two wonderfully honorable and loving older brothers." Jareth: As opposed to those dishonorable and hateful little brothers we left on earth. Mac: Point Jareth. "Loving is the right word," Faramir said with a wry grin. "Boromir shall spoil Jessica until she is not able to do anything on her own without help." Jess rolled her eyes and Kate laughed outright. "Jess is a little too independent for that sort of treatment." A few hours later, Boromir returned looking slightly sullen. "We are going to attack the Black Gate," he announced grimly after kissing Jess softly in greeting. "Faramir, you shall be the Steward in my absence." "I understand," Faramir said quietly. "I do as well," Jess said with an encouraging smile. "I shall stay behind and help to tend those of our company that cannot follow you." Jareth (Aragorn): Wait a minute, you’re the Savior of Middle Earth. Shouldn’t you be coming along with us? A little later, Jess found her sister staring out at the eastern horizon. "Katie, what's wrong?" she asked, sitting down beside her sister. "Can Legolas choose mortality?" Kate asked. "I'm afraid not. But, if you do, then your children will age in the same time as normal mortals." Kate sighed heavily. Erik: Wait, Shadow just got interesting. Can we hear more of her inner turmoil? Jareth: No, she’s the shadow, remember? After the Departure of the Armies… Mac: The city was a mess! Erik: And the whor--*Mac gags him* Mac: Don’t. Jess stood smiling in a slightly smug manner as she watched Eowyn pacing her room in agitation. Finally, the shieldmaiden of Rohan turned sharply. "I cannot remain in sloth!" she said harshly. "Jessica, who is in charge of this city?" "My Lord Faramir is in his brother's absence, but I am afraid that there is little that he can do for you," Jess answered, trying to not shout in triumph. "You see, he is also a patient of mine in these fair houses." "'Fair'?" Eowyn nearly shrieked. "I do not think they are fair if they intend to bind me down so against my will!" "It is for your own health," Jess said patiently. "Take me to this Lord Faramir. I must have freedom." All (Mel Gibson): FREEDOM! Jess did so, still grinning broadly. Faramir rose with a smile when he saw Jess and greeted her with a hug. Then, he caught sight of Eowyn and Jess heard his astonished gasp. Jess's grin widened considerably. Sai: So, she introduces Faramir and Eowyn? Mac: And somewhere, there is a Warden locked in a closet. "Faramir, I present Eowyn daughter of Eomund and Shieldmaiden of the kingdom of Rohan. She rode to battle with the late King Théoden." "Do the Rohirrim thus allow their women to go to war?" Faramir asked in surprise. Jess shook her head in amusement. "Nay, dear Faramir." Doggone it! Jess thought angrily, I sound more like them every stinkin' day! "She rode in the guise of a male Rider. But, she gained great honor and renown when she slew the Witch-King of Angmar with the Halfling Esquire Meriadoc." Faramir bowed low and kissed Eowyn's hand. "I am honored to meet you, Lady Eowyn." Jess silently made her exit, feeling very pleased with herself. She was certain that all would go well with her two patients. Suddenly, her breathing became difficult and she was having more difficulty walking. She shook it off and forced herself to continue. She was not yet ready to face Sauron again. *Erik breaks out the popcorn* Mac: How stale is that? Erik: It’s fresh. You think I would eat stale popcorn? Mac: Yes. A few days later… Jess was sitting in her room looking towards the eastern horizon when the same feeling of weakness that she had experienced a few days ago gripped her. She clutched her desk until her knuckles turned white and gasped. Then, everything went black and she fell to the floor. *All cheer* In her own room, Kate felt weak and nauseous. She walked over to her bed before passing out cold. Jareth: We got rid of both the Sues! Her necklace and Jess' brooch glowed white in the gloomy half-light that had surrounded the city. Vision… Mac: Cue the wavy effect! *All wave their hands* Jessica stood tall and erect, clad in a gown of white silk that had a slit in the skirt that went up to her thigh, a fitted breastplate of mithril, soft pale leather leggings, steel leg guards, hard leather bracers, a billowing cloak of white wool, and a mithril diadem on her forehead. Mac: Why does it matter what she is wearing? Remus: And is all that practical for a battle? At her waist hung Hadhafang, Celebhith, and Celebsigil. A great, lidless eye wreathed in flame was before her, but she felt no fear. She could feel Katelyn's comforting presence even here. I see you, Sauron taunted. Mac: I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure Crys Evans had to have seen “How Lord of the Rings Should’ve Ended” before writing her Sauron scenes. I know that, you great idiot, Jess sneered mentally. There was a ringing of metal as she drew Hadhafang and Celebhith from their sheaths at her belt. At last, it is down to you and it is down to me. You must realize, even with your powers, you are doomed, Sauron hissed. Oh, I don't think so you Sith! Jess snarled. Remus: Is Sauron referred to as “Sith”? Mac: No, it’s Crys Evans crossing fandoms. Sith is from Star Wars. Just then, Sauron seemed to materialize from the fire of the Great Eye. Jess smirked as she saw him. I was expecting someone with your pride to look a bit¬¬-- Sauron searched for the right word. Older. Sauron, Jess greeted curtly. You're shorter than I expected. Voldemort: Cut the small talk and destroy her already! Mac: Where did you come from? Voldemort: Decided to study a fellow Dark Lord. Behind his mask, Sauron snarled as he drew his sword. I shall make you truly regret your insolence, child. Jess rolled her eyes. Ooh, I'm so scared! Let's just bring it, shall we?! Sauron launched himself at the young woman, his sword swinging wildly. Jess calmly sidestepped him and sliced his back. The Dark Lord growled in anger and pain and began hacking at her. Remus: So, I know Sauron hasn’t had a body in a while, but don’t you think that he wouldn’t just blindly hack at the air? But Jess was too fast for him. Her Elven reflexes were so quick that even she could not follow them. *All stare.* Mac: Typos lead to confusion. Sauron growled in frustration and tried to find an opening in her defenses. Jess fought him off with a cheeky grin. Voldemort: He got beat by a cheeky grin? You have improved since our last encounter. I had you in mind when I trained. Well, I am flattered. Sauron stopped his attack, panting. Remus: And I thought Voldemort was pathetic. *Voldemort growls in his direction* Remus: I was complimenting you. Jess' smile never wavered. Even though she was growing tired, her strength had not faltered once; she had not even broken a sweat. Your move, she taunted. You are a fool if you think that you can defeat me. Well, I do think that, Jess sneered. So deal! Sai: You know what, this banter makes Ryo’s “Your mother wears army boots” sound eloquent. The Dark Lord launched himself at her again, but Jess calmly stepped back and lifted her hand. "Awake, Nar, guardian of the flame," she whispered in Elvish. Sauron screamed in pain as he was engulfed in flames. Jess stood watching for a short time before calling off the fire. "I've got a question for you," she said, walking around Sauron, whose armor was glowing with heat. "Chem. 101. What happens when you cool superheated metal instantly?" All: I dunno, Sue, what? At that moment, a column of water surrounded Sauron. He began to cool and he would have been frozen in place if he had not been suddenly surrounded by the flames of the Great Eye. The pupil of the Eye had widened in alarm and Jess knew that Frodo had fulfilled his task with help from Gollum. "Now, it is over," she whispered as everything around her grew hazy. End Vision… Mac: Cue the effect! *All wave their hands. Voldemort cocks an eyebrow* Voldemort: Maybe you have gone insane. Jess woke up a few days later, feeling drained and sore all over. Kate was sitting beside her, looking worried. The younger sister threw her arms around her older sister's neck and hugged her. "What happened? One minute I was fine and then the next I was unconscious on the floor!" "You're not gonna believe this," Jess said slowly. "But-- I had a mental duel with Sauron." Kate burst out laughing. Erik: That’s our reaction. "Was that out loud?" she asked in horror. "I'm serious!" Jess said in a hurt tone. "It's over now. My will broke his, and before I could finish him off, Frodo threw the Ring into the fires of Mount Doom. We will be hearing of our army's victory in a few days' time." Jareth: Even though they apparently did shit. A few days later… Jessica and Merry were walking through the gardens together when Jess' sharp ears picked up the sound of soft voices. "Even if you were now the happy queen of Gondor, I would love you," Faramir was saying. Score! Jess thought triumphantly. She steered Merry away from the area where the new couple were and fought down the urge to shout. She told Kate about it, and the two of them squealed in delight and excitement. *All groan and cover their ears* Then, they saw Merry off when he went to Ithilien and waited for the return of their menfolk. Boromir was the first to arrive. As the new Steward of Gondor, he was in charge of arranging the coronation ceremony that would take place on Aragorn's return. For a few days, he did not see Jessica, and then he avoided her with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. Jareth (Boromir): She would never see the runaway cart coming right at her. Jess was amazed on the day of the coronation to see that a maid was waiting for her with a dress. "This is from the Steward, milady," the young girl said. A little later… Jess inspected herself in the mirror and nodded in satisfaction. She was wearing a gown made of pale blue silk that hugged her figure in a flattering manner. Mac: Oh Jonas… Erik: We don’t care what she’s wearing! The bell sleeves flowed over her arms like two miniature waterfalls. Her dark hair was pulled away from her face and cascaded over her back in beautiful waves. On her forehead was a silver circlet wrought in the shape of entwining leaves. At her throat was the Pendant of Finduilas, Quatre (Pendant): Just a little tighter… and she fiddled with it nervously. Boromir was planning something big for her during the Coronation Ceremony, but she didn't know what it could possibly be. After deeming herself presentable, Jessica thanked her maid and hurried down the stairs and to the main hall of the Citadel. Boromir stood waiting for her, dressed in full ceremonial armor. He smiled at Jess as she walked over to him and gently kissed her hand. "Are you ready to go down, milady?" "Yes," Jess said with a smile. Boromir threaded her arm through his and led her down to the main gate. Jess was too happy to pay much attention to the Ceremony and jerked out of her reverie when Boromir shouted "Hail the King Elf-Stone!" She repeated this cry and knelt before Aragorn with the others. Aragorn smiled and lifted Jess and Boromir to their feet. "This day does not belong to one man," he said slowly and clearly, "but to all! And, as my first act as king, I shall bind the Lord Boromir and the Lady Jessica in marriage." All: WHAT? Voldemort: Oh, this girl is ridiculous. Something must be done. *Voldemort leaves* Mac: Okay, I would not find it romantic to suddenly find out I’m at my own wedding. Good Jonas… *Mac leaves, ranting. Men follow after her timidly.* |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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| MackenzieW | Jul 26 2008, 04:23 AM Post #15 |
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Resident Time Lady
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Warning! Break out the sickness bags. This one is a squicky chapter. "Announcer: Sporkers, you have just finished sporking "What the Heck?" What are going to do now? Sporkers: We're going to DISNEY WORLD!" *All race back into the theatre* Mac: I wonder what Voldemort’s planning on doing. He seemed to be quite upset when he left yesterday. Remus: So were you. Jareth: Less talking, more sporking. This is the last chapter. Erik: I can’t believe it! The end’s almost in sight! Quatre: Last chapter title? Mac: See below. Epilogue Jareth: Also known as Chapter 15. Mac (Count von Count): Fifteen. Fifteen horrible chapters of badfic. Mwahaha! *Thunder and lightning effect* Jess stared at Boromir in astonishment. "Why didn't you tell me?!" she whispered. "I didn't want to spoil the surprise," Boromir said with a grin. *Erik clamps hand over Mac’s mouth* "Is this why you were avoiding me?" Jess asked, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. Boromir's grin widened. "Isn't it bad luck for the groom to see the bride until just before the ceremony?" Jess smiled brightly and squeezed his hand as Pippin walked forward, bearing a satin cushion with two rings on it. All: Aww…how sweet. How utterly sickeningly sweet. Aragorn stepped forward and smiled at his two friends. "Do you, Boromir son of Denethor, take the Lady Jessica as your wife for this life and whatever life is to come?" Remus: Wait, they are getting married even until the afterlife? Mac: Even the Catholic wedding vows are only “all the days of my life.” "I do," Boromir said softly, not able to take his eyes off of Jess. "And do you, Lady Jessica, take Boromir son of Denethor as your husband for this life and the life that follows?" "I do," Jess said, tears streaming down her cheeks. Quatre (sniffling): I always cry at weddings. "Take the rings and exchange your vows," Aragorn said, stepping aside and letting Pippin come up. Mac: Wait, those weren’t the vows? Boromir took the smaller of the two rings and gently placed it on Jess' left ring finger. "I give you this simple ring as a symbol of my eternal, untainted love," he said quietly. "I swear to be a faithful and loving husband to you for all eternity." Jess smiled and took the larger ring from Pippin. "I give you this ring as a symbol of the strength of my love. I swear to be a faithful, loving, and supportive wife to you for all eternity." *Remus hands out sickness bags.* Remus: I have a feeling we’re going to need these. Aragorn took their entwined hands in his and lifted them over his head. "The Steward of Gondor and his bride!" he shouted. The crowd cheered loudly as he lowered their hands. "You may kiss the bride," he said with a grin. *All gag* Boromir smiled and swept Jessica into his arms before gently kissing her. Jess sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck, returning the kiss. Finally, they separated and faced Aragorn, who embraced them both. "I give you one week to spend with your new bride as you will," he said, causing Jess to blush, "before you must return to your duties." Jareth: Are we going to have to blindfold Quatre? Mac: I don’t know. After the Celebration… Boromir led Jess towards his chambers, his arm wrapped protectively around her waist. Jess leaned her head against his shoulder and smiled happily. When they reached the door to Boromir's chambers, she paused for a moment with a far away look in her eyes. "What is wrong, love?" Boromir asked softly. Jareth: This story. That’s what wrong. Jess shook her head and smiled. "I was just thinking of a silly wedding tradition in my world. When a man and woman are married, the groom carries his bride over the threshold of their new home. Mac: I don’t think it’s silly. Erik: You’re just silly. But, since I have been in the Citadel for so long, I don't think that it really applies." "Perhaps," Boromir said. Jess squealed as he swept her into his arms. "Or perhaps not." Jess laughed as Boromir carried her into the room and placed her back on her feet. She looked around her and grinned teasingly. Boromir blushed slightly and tried to not look at the piles of books, papers, and clothing that decorated his suite of rooms. Jess laughed and gently kissed her husband's cheek. "Don't worry," she said with a wicked grin, "Lucky for you, I like to organize." Remus: Boromir, you are never going to find anything ever again. Boromir rolled his eyes as Jess walked off to change into her nightgown. He loved her fiercely, but she could be so irritating. Sai: Understatement of the year. A few minutes later, he found Jess sitting at her vanity and brushing out her hair. Quietly, Boromir walked up behind her and took the brush out of her hand. "Let me," he whispered. "I love to play with your hair." Erik: That sentence should never be uttered by a straight man. Ever. Sai: Mac doesn’t let anyone touch her hair. Mac: That’s because I have very oily hair and don’t need you to add yours to it! "I know you do," Jess said with a smile. Boromir gently ran the brush through Jessica's thick locks, playing with each strand of hair as he did so. Mac: Wow, that can take forever. I should know. I have thick hair. When he had finished, he pushed Jess' hair over her left shoulder and sat down behind her. Jess cocked her eyebrow questioningly and glanced over her shoulder. "Boromir, what are you--" she stopped short with a gasp as she felt Boromir's lips on her neck. She shivered and closed her eyes. "Varda in Valinor," she whispered with another shiver. "Stop toying with me, Boromir," she muttered as Boromir's lips moved up and down the side of her neck. All: Err… "I'm not toying with you," Boromir whispered against her skin. "Then what do you call what you are doing right now?" Jess demanded breathlessly. Boromir didn't answer, but moved so that he was kneeling in front of Jess. "I can't live without you," he whispered hoarsely. "And now you don't have to," Jess said. "We are man and wife now; forever united." Sai: Unfortunately… "Not quite," Boromir said softly. "I want to make you truly mine, Jessie." Jess didn't say anything. Instead, she wrapped her arms around Boromir's neck and kissed him passionately. Boromir reached up and gently caressed the back of her neck with one hand while he wrapped the other around her waist. Jess sighed against his lips and began working on the ties of his tunic. Mac: Okay, that’s it! *Grabs Quatre and throws him out of the theater* Finally, she pulled away long enough to pull his tunic and shirt off before she leaned against him again. Boromir ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her again. Remus: Can I join Quatre out in the hallway? Erik: No. Jess moaned softly as he opened his mouth against hers and coaxed her lips open. She twisted her fingers in his hair as he lifted her into his arms and carried her into the bedchamber. Jareth: They weren’t even at the bed yet? Oh Jonas… Boromir gently put her on the bed before sitting down beside her, putting his hands on either side of her and leaning forward. Jess smiled and pulled his face down closer to hers. When their lips met, Jess gasped as Boromir gently caressed her legs. Remus: Here, let me restock everyone. *Hands out bags* "You're driving me insane!" Jess said breathlessly as Boromir kissed her throat. Mac: You’re driving US insane! "That's part of my plan," he whispered against the soft skin of her neck. "I intend to drive you out of your mind by the end of the week." Sai: A week? Oh no…*grabs keyboard, flips it and hits head. Passes right out* Mac: Sai? Sai? Oh dear… Erik: I never would’ve pegged him to be the smart one. "At the rate you're going," Jess whispered, "you won't need a week." Boromir smiled and gently ran his thumb over the tip of her ear. Jess shivered in delight and whimpered longingly before Boromir claimed her mouth once more. She gripped his shoulders tightly and returned the kiss feverishly. *All hurl again* Boromir's hands roamed up and down her thighs, causing her to shudder over and over. Finally, he pulled her into a sitting position and buried his hands in her hair as he deepened the kiss. Jess pulled away with a gasp for air. Mac: I think we may need to be treated for dehydration after this. "I love you," she whispered. "And I love you," Boromir whispered before pulling her back down on the bed. All: QUOTA! Quatre: Is it over yet? The Next Morning… Erik: Everyone had one hell of a hangover. Jess woke up with a smile as she felt Boromir's arms wrapped protectively around her. She had gotten used to this during the war, and she knew that she would never tire of it. She slipped quietly out of bed, knowing that if he were awake, Boromir would not let her go so easily. Boromir woke up to see Jess standing in her shift and debating about what dress to wear. Mac: Please don’t describe it… He smiled and propped himself up on his elbow. "Am I such bad company?" he asked teasingly. All: Since you are a Stu, yes. Jess knelt down beside him on the bed and kissed him softly. "Hardly. I just prefer to not spend the entire day in bed." "Why?" Boromir asked, pulling her down beside him. Mac: Yeah, why? Jess giggled and kissed him soundly before sitting back up. "No, my lord, you had your fun last night. Besides, I want to get some organization done today." Boromir rolled his eyes and pulled Jess up against him. "We have an entire week to ourselves, Jessie. Let's not spoil it with work." Jess glared playfully at him and rolled her eyes. "I am not so easily won, my lord. Charm and wit is not all that I require in a husband." "Ah, but I have other gifts, as you are well aware." All: "Indeed, my lord, but I refuse to remain idle." Jess stood up and started to walk away, but Boromir stood and followed her. Jess turned and tossed him a pair of pants. "Dress yourself, dear," she said with a playful smile. Boromir rolled his eyes and obeyed before grabbing her around the waist and pulling her up against him. Jess squeaked in surprise and turned in his arms. "You are determined to not let me have my way, aren't you?" Erik: For which we are eternally grateful to Twit. "Indeed," Boromir whispered as he ran his thumb over the tip of Jessica's ear. Jess shuddered and sighed. "I hate it when you do that," she said softly, leaning closer to her husband. "Why?" Boromir asked, continuing to caress her ear. "Because," Jess said breathlessly, "it makes me feel like agreeing to anything." Boromir smiled and led Jessica back into the bedchamber. The rest of the week passed in a similar manner. Erik: Damn you, Twit! Jareth: We almost liked you! Jess would try to get out of bed, but Boromir would coddle her until she gave in. Finally, their week-long honeymoon was over and Boromir had to return to his duties as the Steward. Mac: Okay, Quatre, you can come back in now! *Quatre re-enters* Quatre: What happened to Sai? Erik: A good idea. Jess missed him when she had the entire day to herself, but she learned to deal with it as she finally tackled the mountainous organization disaster that was the suite of rooms. After the first day, she had finished nearly three-quarters of the suite. Boromir was impressed and told her as much. "You have certainly been busy," he remarked as he kissed Jess' forehead. "When I don't have you to keep me company, there is little else to do." Jess wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him fiercely. "I love you, Boromir." All: QUOTA! Jess' boredom was eased with the celebration of the marriages of Arwen and Aragorn, along with Eowyn and Faramir that took place a fortnight after her own wedding. Remus: Wow, they aren’t waiting. Mac: Well, Aragorn and Arwen have waited long enough… Jess spent hours helping the two brides-to-be with their preparations and promised Eowyn that she would write and visit Ithilien often. In the time between the Fellowship's arrival in Edoras and the coronation of Aragorn, Eowyn had grown close with the Stevens sisters. Remus: One last time? Mac: Why not? Remus and Mac: Of course she had! Arwen promised Jessica that they would remain close friends and swore that she would never call her lady again for as long as they both lived. The two weddings occurred on the same day and the celebration lasted for the remainder of the week. Jareth: Wait, would the king’s wedding take place at the same time as that of the second son of the Steward? Mac: Probably not. Eowyn first went back to Rohan to bury her uncle, which is where they were officially engaged… Erik: She’s mucking up the timeline. Mac: Yeah. Jess had a wonderful time and told her two friends as much. One month after her wedding, Jess began suffering from nausea and vomiting. Erik: Should I break out the popcorn? Mac: What do you think? Erik: No. She didn't want Boromir to worry about her, so she kept it a secret. After a week, she went to the Houses of Healing to talk with Ioreth about her symptoms. Others: Who? Mac: Actually a Tolkien character. Suethor is too damn lazy to properly introduce her. Ioreth was thoughtful for a moment after Jess had told her. "If you don't mind me asking, when was your last monthly cycle?" Jess started and considered this. "About two months ago. Ioreth-- am I with child?" Mac: Good Jonas, this has definitely sunk to the lowest badfic level possible without bad punctuation and grammar. Erik: Point Mac. "I believe so, my lady," Ioreth said with a smile. Jess covered her mouth in surprise as tears of joy filled her eyes. "How long?" she whispered, still not believing what she had heard. "I would guess about eight months," Ioreth said, still grinning broadly. "Now, lady, go and tell your husband." Mac: Wow, the Sue hasn’t realized she’s eight month pregnant? And we thought she was stupid. Remus: I think the Sue meant to say she was a month along and had eight months to go. Jess hugged the older woman and ran to find, not Boromir, but Arwen. "Arwen! I have wonderful news; I'm pregnant!" "That is wonderful!" Arwen said as she embraced her friend. "Does Boromir know?" "No, I just found out myself. I'm so happy!" "Well, I also have news. I too am pregnant." "Oh, Arwen! Does Aragorn know?" "Yes," Arwen laughed, "and he has not let me do anything since he found out! He rushes to do every little thing I need!" "We are blessed with doting husbands," Jess said dryly and rolled her eyes. "I'm almost afraid to tell Boromir that I'm expecting. I know that he won't let me move a muscle until the baby is born." Arwen laughed lightly and kissed Jessica's cheek. "You know that Boromir will only do what is best for both you and your child. Now, when do you intend to tell him?" "Tonight. He's so busy during the day that I don't want to bother him." Remus: No, bother him. Arwen nodded and squeezed her friend's hand. "What of your sister, Legolas, Eowyn, Faramir, Eomer, and the hobbits? They will also want to hear of this blessed event." Mac: No, they really don’t. Remus: Notice though that Gimli is not on that list. "I intend to write to them immediately, but I wanted you to be the first to know." "I'm flattered," Arwen said with a smile. After writing seven copies of a letter detailing her life in Minas Tirith and her pregnancy, Jess tried to decide on the best method for telling Boromir. When he entered their rooms at the end of the day, she had still not come to a conclusion and decided that the best approach was the most straightforward. "I went to the Houses of Healing today," Jess said casually as she brushed out her hair before bed. Boromir glanced up at her in concern. "Has something happened?" he asked, trying to not sound worried. Jareth: Don’t lie. He was trying not to sound ecstatic. Mac: Point Jareth. "Yes," Jess said as she fought the urge to shout for joy. "Something wonderful." she stood and walked over to her husband. "Boromir, in about eight months, you and I shall be parents!" Boromir looked like he had been hit over the head with a frying pan. Erik: Hey, can we borrow that pan for a minute? Thanks! "P-parents?" he croaked. Jess smiled and nodded, sitting down beside him. "Yes, Boromir. Just think of it: we shall have our own child!" Mac: I feel sorry for that child. Remus: Point Mac Boromir recovered his senses and seized her hands. "Truly, Jessie?" Jess nodded and he swept her into his arms in delight. "I can scarcely believe it! A child, and so soon!" "I know" Jess whispered as she rested her head on his chest. "I never dreamed that we would be parents before a year had passed. I'm so happy, I feel as if I shall explode!" Jareth: Please do. Boromir laughed lightly and kissed her gently. Jess sighed and returned the kiss, letting Boromir pull her onto his lap. She finally pulled away and rested her head on his shoulder. Boromir kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Do you know whether the baby is a son or daughter?" he whispered. Mac: Yes, because Middle-earth has fancy sonograms and all that jazz. Jareth: Point Mac. Jess shook her head. "No, unfortunately, but I am certain it is a son. He has been so much trouble already." Boromir chuckled and tightened his hold on her. "I love you, Jessie," he whispered against her hair. Jess snuggled closer to her husband and closed her eyes. "I love you too," she said softly. All: QUOTA! Boromir lived up to Jessica's expectations. Whenever Jess seemed to be getting ready to stand up, Boromir would rush over to her and ask her what she needed. Jess would tell him, after arguing for some time that she was perfectly capable of getting whatever she needed herself. In due time, she received letters from the hobbits and Eomer. They all congratulated her on this blessed occasion and Pippin said that he hoped that he would be permitted to visit the child once it was born. Jess assured him that he and the other hobbits were always welcome in Minas Tirith. Kate also wrote a short letter to her sister. She said that she and Legolas had been married according to the Elvish custom some weeks before, and that they hoped to be present when the child was born. Eowyn and Faramir's response was quite different. A week after Jess wrote to her brother and sister-in-law, they appeared in Minas Tirith. Mac: Grammar Nazi tingling. That definitely should’ve been two paragraphs. "Oh, sister, I was so happy for you that I could not stay in Ithilien!" Eowyn explained. Faramir smiled fondly and rolled his eyes. "It's the truth. She gave me no rest until I had arranged everything for our departure." When Jess reached six months and began to waddle, no one would let her budge. She began to feel indignant when even Aragorn and Arwen joined in. "Honestly!" she complained one day. "It's not like I can't take care of myself! Besides, Aragorn, Arwen is just as pregnant as I am!" After that, Aragorn turned his attentions to his wife and Arwen was soon in the same fix as Jessica. A month before Jessica was due to give birth, Katelyn, Legolas, and Gimli arrived in Minas Tirith to "support Jess in her travail," as Kate put it. Erik: Look, Gimli was deigned good enough to come for the labor! Jess was soon so big that she couldn't move without help, which justified the pampering that she received. Her due date came and went. Boromir and Jess were growing anxious when, one week later than planned, Jess went into labor. Faramir came running towards the Houses of Healing. His brother had sent for him a few hours earlier, but he hadn't been able to get away from a delegation from Ithilien until now. "How is Jessica holding up?" he asked breathlessly. "Well…" Legolas paused when they heard Jessica shouting. "I told you to get out of here! I won't have you deliver my child!" she shrieked. Aragorn hastily exited the room and sighed. "She's fine," he reported dryly. Mac: No offense, Aragorn, I wouldn’t want you to deliver my child either. Boromir moaned in frustration and ran his hand through his hair. It was taking all of his will power to not charge into that room and hold Jess close. Faramir saw his brother's worry and gently put his hand on Boromir's shoulder. "Do not fear, brother. Jessica is a strong woman and I'm sure that she is doing fine." "I'll kill Boromir!" Jess screamed. Boromir cringed and gave his younger brother a reproachful look. "You can't blame Boromir for this," they heard Kate say. Jareth: It does take two to tango. Mac: Point Jareth. "Oh, yes I can!" Jess retorted. "If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be in this situation! Why doesn't the baby just come?!" Hours passed and soon Aragorn had to leave, but Arwen came to comfort the anxious new father. Gimli was the only person present who didn't seem perturbed by what was happening. Erik: I’m convinced that the Suethor doesn’t like Gimli because he’s rational! Mac: Point Erik. He sat calmly smoking his pipe but worried for Jess just like the others. Finally, twenty hours after Jess went into labor, the others heard the screams of a baby. Boromir looked up in relief and smiled tiredly. As Eowyn exited the room, another scream from Jess rent the air. *Erik continues munching on popcorn* Mac: She’s not going to die in childbirth! *Erik ignores her* "What is going on?" Boromir demanded fretfully. Eowyn blew a loose strand of hair out of her eyes and smiled at her brother-in-law. "Do not trouble yourself, Boromir. This is perfectly natural for a woman who is bearing twins." All: WHAT? Erik: Quatre? Quatre: Final nail on the Mary Sue? Erik: Exactly. Everyone was so stunned that one could have heard a pin drop. Boromir once more looked like Sam had hit him in the face with a pot. Jareth: I think we need that pot again too! Eowyn smiled and held out the baby that she held. "Take your son, Boromir," she said, placing the baby in Boromir's arms. "Be sure to mind his head," she warned as she positioned her brother-in-law's arms. "Twins?" Boromir asked stupidly. Mac: Okay, Suethor, you need to do research. It would be rare for someone now, even with our advancements, to carry twins to term let alone be overdue. I would imagine it would be a damn impossibility in Middle-earth. Eowyn laughed merrily and kissed his cheek. "Yes, twins. Don't worry, Jessica is doing fine." She kissed her husband and reentered the other ro om. Boromir shook his head as if he was waking from a dream and looked down at his son. The baby's eyes were open, revealing dusky-grey irises. Remus: Newsflash, a baby’s eyes are always blue when they are born. They get their color as they mature. A shock of dark hair crowned his head, his hands were balled into fists, and he was kicking weakly. Quatre: He’s trying to get out of the fic! Remus: Kick harder, buddy, almost there! Boromir smiled and gently rocked his son. He was amazed by how small the little boy was and couldn't help feeling extremely blessed to be the father of this tiny being. The others crowded around the proud father and admired the baby. Arwen cooed softly and kissed the baby's forehead while Legolas let the boy grip his finger. Mac: Hey, speaking of Arwen, has she had her child yet? "He has a strong grip," the Elf remarked with a smile. "He shall make a fine soldier of Gondor." Faramir thumped his brother on the back and gently stroked his nephew's cheek. "He takes after you," he said with a chuckle, "but he has his mother's mouth," he added as the baby yawned widely. Everyone got a chance to hold the infant, including Gimli, who held it at arm's length as if it would explode at any moment. Erik: Well…he got to hold him. Ten minutes later, the cries of another baby were heard. Soon afterwards, a tired and disheveled Katelyn exited the room with a sigh. She gave Faramir and Arwen meaningful looks. "Don't expect me to help deliver your children," she said irritably before turning to Boromir. Remus (Faramir): Well considering you’re not really a mid-wife, don’t worry. Mac: Wow, how long has Arwen been pregnant for? "Jess is ready to see you. She's feeding your daughter." Erik: Of course, a boy AND a girl. Mac: I think it’s because the Sue doesn’t know which one she would rather have, so she goes with both. Boromir gently kissed Kate's cheek before entering the dimly-lit chamber. Jess was sitting up with her back propped against two pillows. She held a tiny baby to her breast and was singing softly. Mac: You know, woman don't produce milk immediately upon giving birth. What's she feeding that baby then? Jareth: Of course…she couldn’t just end it without a song! SKIP! SKIP! Boromir listened with a soft smile and gently rocked his son. Jess pulled her daughter away from her breast and gently rubbed the baby's back. Remus: SKIP! SKIP! Jess smiled as the tiny baby burped and cradled the little girl in her arms. Mac: Last go around, so… All: SKIP! SKIP! Jess looked up and smiled softly at her husband. "Come and meet your daughter," she said, holding out her hand. "Our daughter," Boromir corrected. Jess didn't answer, but snuggled close to her husband as he took their daughter from her and handed her their son. "They are both so beautiful," he whispered. "Yes," Jess said softly. "They look like you," she said with a teasing smile. "What shall we name them? I like the name Samuel, but I do not know what to name our daughter." All: Samuel? Mac: Let’s pick the least Middle-earthian name possible. Remus: That might actually be Fred. Or Bob. The baby boy cooed happily before he let his mother feed him. Boromir chuckled. "I think he likes his name." Mac: I think he just wants to be fed. Remus: Point Mac. Jess smiled down at her son and gently kissed his tiny fist. Boromir smiled softly as he watched his wife and son. Jess grinned teasingly. "You're staring," she said quietly. Boromir gently kissed her temple. "Yes, and enjoying watching you," he said. "I know what to name our daughter." "What?" Jess asked, cleaning Samuel's mouth. "Eleneth," Boromir said, stroking the tiny girl's fist. "Her name is Eleneth." Jess nodded. "I like it." Erik: Of course, one named for the father’s place of birth and one for the mother. Ugh. Mac: There’s good news though. Remus: What? Mac: Fic’s over. Pick up Sai and let’s get out of here! *All exeunt* The gang returned to the Remote Room of Doom, where Voldemort awaited them. “Ah, my faithful servants, you are finished at last!” he exclaimed. “Amazingly,” Mackenzie replied dryly. “I see one of our faithful didn’t make it all the way through,” the Dark Lord continued, watching Remus lay Sai on the bed. “What got to him?” “The romance. He hit himself over the head with a keyboard. Right shame I didn’t think of it first,” Jareth commented. Voldemort chuckled, motioning to several hour glasses on the opposite side of the room. “Time for the points tally. In last place, our guest sporker Buddy.” All clapped. “Yes, yes. In sixth place, with eight points was Jareth.” “DAMN IT!” Everyone looked in his direction. “I mean, what do I care? Continue.” “Indeed. In fifth, is Quatre with nine.” Quatre jumped up and down in delight. “Yes, happy, happy. In fourth, with ten is Erik.” “Looks like I bet you,” Erik told Jareth. The Goblin King turned a bright red. Voldemort cleared his throat. “In third place, is Remus with a total of eleven points. In second place is Sai with thirteen. And our winner, with fifteen points is…” “ME!” Mackenzie yelled. “I won! I won!” She began to do a dance of joy around the room. “Yes, you won,” Voldemort said. “What would you like as your prize?” “A vacation!” Mackenzie yelled, as everyone nodded. “To Walt Disney World!” “Disney…World?” Voldemort looked sick just saying the words. “Very well. You shall have a week long vacation, starting tomorrow. Congratulations.” Voldemort turned to leave, but stopped. “Wormtail, leave our servants their other prize.” With that, he left. Wormtail handed Mackenzie a bottle of some sort before following his master. “What is it?” Remus asked. “Can we trust it?” “It’s bleeprin!” Mackenzie exclaimed. “Brain bleach!” And with that, everyone tried to grab the bottle from her hands. Several minutes later, they were soon in bleach-induced bliss. Thankfully--The End! |
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You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot "Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical) "Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney "I wake in the loneliness of sunrise When the deep purple heaven turns blue And start to pray As I pray each day That I’ll hear some word from you I lie in the loneliness of evening Looking out on a silver-flaked sea And ask the moon Oh how soon, how soon Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella "Thank you, Lord You have brought us Safe to shore Be our strength and protection ever more. A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire A Thiarna dean trocaire A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder I'm writing a novel! A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies! My Little Corner I'm on Book Country! | |
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1:15 AM Jul 11