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A Tale of Two Swords: the MST
Topic Started: Jul 13 2008, 08:23 PM (865 Views)
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
Disclaimer: Boromir, Morgoth, Uruk-hai, Nazgul, and anything else having to do with Middle-Earth all belong to Tolkien and some belong also to New Line Cinema. Boris the Nazgul belongs to Araiona Dubois. Chesterfield the Uruk-hai and Jules belong to me. “MST3K” belongs to Best Brains Inc. This story belongs to Mary A., and I am using the version found on fanfiction.net.
THEME SONG:

In the not-too-distant future
Next Friday A.D.
There lived a girl named Jules
Not too different from you or me.
She wrote a new fanfic every week,
A very happy and contented geek.
But Morgoth was feeling bored one day,
So he trapped her in the Void, and he sent her far away!


JULES: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I’ll send her awful fanfics (ooh ooh!)
The worst I can find! (la la la!)
She’ll have to sit and read them all
And I’ll monitor her mind.
Now keep in mind Jules can’t control
When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!)
She’ll have to keep her sanity
With the help of some brand-new friends!


DAILY ROLL CALL!

BOROMIR! (I’M ALIVE!)
BORIS! (SHIRE…BAGGINS!)
CHESTERFIELD! (MANFLESSSSSH!)
JUUUUUUUULES! (FUCK YOU!)

If you’re wondering how they all got there
And other useless facts (la la la!)
Just keep in mind it’s all a joke
You should really just relax—

For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000!



Boromir walked grumpily out of the bedroom, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. His hair was rumpled and his clothes were torn in places. He strode to the kitchen, where he noticed Chesterfield drinking a cup of coffee.

“Morning,” the orc greeted him in Westron, without drooling. Thank Eru he was almost never hungry for human flesh in the morning. “How was your night?”

“Horrible,” the man answered in the same language, sinking into a chair. “Jules got into the Longbottom Leaf and afterwards kept trying to climb into bed with me. To make a long story short, I spent all last night trying to force her out of the room and untangle her arms and legs from me.”

“Ah,” Chesterfield said, nodding and trying to sound sympathetic, though he wanted to laugh. The girl had such a low tolerance for drugs and alcohol that it was practically nonexistent, and to give her any in large quantities was asking for trouble. He still remembered the day when he was a young orc and Jules, under the influence of hard liquor, had thought he was Johnny Depp. The result was quite embarrassing, and he didn’t like to dwell on it.

At this moment, Boris stormed into the room, bellowing, “All right; where’s the rest of the pipeweed?!”

“Ask Jules,” Boromir answered with a scowl.

Just then, Jules strode into the room, looking more cheerful than anybody had a right to be this early in the morning. “Hey, guys, I can’t tell you how great my night was!”

“Good,” Boromir muttered, but in Westron so she couldn’t understand him.

Without any preliminaries, Boris snapped, “You stole the rest of the pipeweed! The rest of the stash that Morgoth provided us with!”

“So?” Jules retorted, not seeming fazed. “He’ll just get us more when he’s in a good mood. And if that fails, we can always try and locate some hobbits somewhere in Britain and buy some.”

Chesterfield, Boris, and Boromir looked at each other and shook their heads. Jules had apparently forgotten that as prisoners, they couldn’t contact the outside world. And besides, if the Halflings had spent three thousand years avoiding humans, would they be likely to make deals with them? Sometimes Jules displayed all the logic and intelligence of a Suethor.

“Oh, speaking of Morgoth,” Jules suddenly said, “I forgot to tell you. He’s waiting to talk to us right now…and he actually looks sad! So I’m betting that whatever fic we get today isn’t so bad!”

The others reluctantly followed Jules. If the Dark Lord was actually in a bad mood, then that COULD mean the story wouldn’t be nearly as bad as the last, but then why would he send it to them? It was a mystery.

As they soon found out, Morgoth was, indeed, looking glum. He sighed and gave his prisoners a rueful smile.

Jules, on the other hand, was practically bouncing off the walls. She had, for the most part, overcome her fear of the ex-Vala, though she still trembled whenever he spoke to her and her companions, but today all trace of fright was gone. She asked, “So, what do we have today?”

Morgoth answered, “A delightful little piece of Elvish pornography entitled ‘A Tale of Two Swords’, by a Mary A. I must say, any elf that read it would be offended and disgusted. And if only there were elves up there with you…or if I’d HAD this story with me in Angband; how many elvish spirits I could have broken by forcing them to read it! I can imagine how Feanor would have reacted…” his words trailed off as he seemed to picture the beautiful sight of Feanor collapsing in horror and agony, all because of a piece of non-canon writing.

All four prisoners shivered; the reason for Morgoth’s gloom had become clear. Privately, Chesterfield and Boris thought that any opportunity to laugh at the elves was a good one, but Boromir was horrified, and Jules, who had read many examples of elf-porn in her time, was rapidly feeling her good mood ebbing away.

Before anyone could say anything, though, the lights began to flash, signaling what Jules always called “fanfic sign”. All four hastily ran through the six doors into the theater.

Beta: Malinorne
Pairing: OMC/OFCs
Genre and Timeline: AU/a blend of both books and movie/During the Council of
Elrond

BORIS: Er…we get credits right at the beginning? This is new.
JULES (singing): This is the song that runs under the credits; these are the
credits, so this is where they go…
CHESTERFIELD
(singing): Has nothing to do with the fanfic so we say: hey, hey, hey-hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!


Warning: Suggestive situations, nudity, some adult language.

CHESTERFIELD:
But no sex scenes?
BOROMIR: Don’t get your hopes up.


LACE laws bent in sort of the same way the Ten Commandments are bent on
occasion.

JULES: With the result that God will punish you for it…or maybe Tolkien
will, I don’t know…


Disclaimer: This story is a work of amateur fanfiction

BORIS: Whoa; she actually admitted it!
BOROMIR: Oh, that’s never a good sign…


written for entertainment only and no copyright infringement on the works of
JRR Tolkien or New Line is intended.

CHESTERFIELD
(announcer): Thank you; and enjoy the show.
JULES: Oh, yeah, right.


Summary: We all know about Boromir,

*Boromir looks horrified*
JULES: It’s…it’s written about you?


but very few know about his young squire, a soldier of
Gondor,

JULES: Oh, what a re--what?!
BOROMIR: Who?!


who has time to kill in Imladris
while waiting for his Captain to return from the Council of Elrond.

BOROMIR: I—I went to Rivendell alone! What is she playing at?!
BORIS (shudder): I smell a Gary Stu!


A/N: This story was written for a man who I have never met,

CHESTERFIELD:
The only question I can think of is why?


a fan of the movies and its weapons and
Mal's and my website,

JULES (scowl): But not of the books, I’ll be bound. Oh, fuckin’ typical.

who wanted to read about what it would be like to meet
up with an elf lady.

JULES: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no…
CHESTERFIELD
(snicker): Oh, come on; I think it’ll be funny!
JULES: YOU, my friend, haven’t read “The
Silmarillion”.


If FFNet had a LOTR movies category, I probably would
have put this there.

JULES: Yep, considering it’s SO much more like the movies than the books…
BOROMIR: I sense sarcasm here.
JULES: Well, did YOU see any elves rutting like rabbits in the movies?


I know that the broken sword was not presentedas a
shrine in the book,

BORIS: Presentedas?
JULES: Probably Spanish.


and that Boromir did not have a squire,

BOROMIR: So you SHOULDN’T HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT IT.

and I know that when elves have sex they are
considered married.

JULES: Sure you do.
BORIS: She DID label it AU, Jules.


And I also know elves are nearly holy and sainted

CHESTERFIELD: You know, all holy and sainted like they come from angels and heaven and stuff.


and to portray them as otherwise is practically
blasphemy, but I don't care.

JULES: Yeah, well, the majority of Tolkien fans DOES care, so…
*Boris covers her mouth*
BORIS: We’ll get through this somehow.


I think that sometimes ellith, like girls, just want
to have fun.

*Boris and Chesterfield start laughing*
JULES: I think Tolkien actually screamed in his grave at that line.
BOROMIR: I don’t know who Tolkien is, but considering Elven sexuality, that
line is the most ridiculous I’ve ever read.


Chapter One
Seek for the sword that was broken
In Imladris it dwells...


JULES: There are poor mortals forced to read
Some brand-new fanfiction hells.

BOROMIR: That is not really the way it went.
JULES: I KNOW.


As Conner and his Captain navigated downwards on the narrow zig-zagging
path,

JULES (singing): We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz…

an excellent defense against marauding bands of orcs the young squire noted,

CHESTERFIELD: As well as run-on sentences…

towards the bottom of the valley of Imladris, he
heard continuous rustling noises in the branches of the trees

BORIS (as young elfling #1): Bloody Morgoth,
you’ll get us found out!
CHESTERFIELD (as young elfling #2): Well, it was YOUR idea to TP
the trees!


along the way that could not have been made by any
wind,

*Everyone makes farting noises*

as there was not even a breath of a breeze.

BOROMIR (as choked, breathless breeze): MMMMFFF!

He felt watched.

JULES: Hmmm…he is not wrong.
*Silence*
JULES: Well, YOU think of a better one.


They were finally greeted by solemn tall elves at the last bridge
class=grame>,

CHESTERFIELD
(as elves): Your passport, please?


and Conner was pleased at the respectful deference that
his Captain was shown while he answered their questions.
"Hail, man of Gondor," one of them had said, revealing a surprising
knowledge of his identity.

JULES: And apparently not enough…I mean, “man of
Gondor”?


"What news, pray tell, do you bring from the White City for our lord that
you have traveled all this distance to tell it?"

BORIS (as Boromir): I have come to correct your grammar, good Master Elf.

As they spoke, the other silent elves noticeably regarded the two of them with
great care,

CHESTERFIELD
(as Elf #1): Did you wash behind your ears before leaving Gondor?
JULES (as Elf #2): Did you even bother putting on deodorant this morning?


as if taking in the tale of their long journeying that
was told by the rents and stains in their traveling clothes.

BOROMIR (as rents and stains): ‘Tis a long and sad tale, about our journey
in the wild, though it still lives on in our songs.


These tall, solemn folk appeared neither pleased nor disturbed with the
presence of unexpected guests,

BORIS (as elves): Oh, great, more mouths to feed.

but Conner did wish that he was more presentable.

JULES (as Conner): Dammit; forgot to wash that elephant shit outta my hair.

While he waited for his Captain to be let on the bridge,

JULES: Hey, who else but me is thinking of “Monty Python and the Holy
Grail”?!
CHESTERFIELD (Monty Python): What…is your favorite color?
BOROMIR: What?


he glanced around at the trees that surrounded them
here and was startled to see eyes peering out at him

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Ew! Disem…
JULES: No.
CHESTERFIELD: Please?
JULES: NO.


from behind the autumn-colored foliage of a nearby
oak. They were not hostile or suspicious, merely curious and friendly.

BORIS (as Eye #1): Hey, who’s that man over by the bridge?
CHESTERFIELD (as Eye #2): I don’t know, but let’s go over and say hi!


For no particular reason, he felt intrigued by those eyes, even after their
owner had disappeared back into the tree.

BORIS (as Eye #1): On second thought, let’s not go over and say hi. He is a
silly man.
CHESTERFIELD (as Eye #2): Right.


As they entered the courtyard of the home of the Half-elven Lord of Imladris, it was obvious that the entire valley was watchful and wary of the newcomers.

JULES: Yep, the entire valley, even down to the rocks and trees.
BORIS (as Conner): Hey, Boromir, is there a really awkward silence in this
valley, or is it just me?


But as soon as Elrond himself had appeared to greet the Captain in friendship,
there seemed to be a great sigh of relief all around them,

ALL: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH…

and merry laughter rang out

BOROMIR: Ding dong!

as smiling elves poured forth from the large manse and greeted them warmly.

JULES (as elves): Well, howdy there, partners! Gosh, we’re as happy as a
tick on a bloodhound to see y’all!


They were made comfortable in adequate guest lodgings;

CHESTERFIELD: Sheesh, somehow I had the impression that Lord Elrond was a bit kinder to and more indulgent of guests than that.

although Conner thought the Elflord should have had an immediate audience withthem instead.

BORIS: “Withthem”?
JULES: Must be German.


They were brought breakfast, the first hot meal they had eaten in months that
did not taste scorched by campfire, which lightened both of their moods,

JULES (singing): I’m beginning to see the light…

and told of a council, which was to be held that day. Only the Steward's son
was invited; his squire was instructed to wait behind.

JULES (sniff): Discrimination! How rude!
BORIS: Hey, at least we know this isn’t a Tenth Walker fic.
JULES: I was joking, Boris.


At first, Conner was outraged that his Captain was going to be surrounded by a
group of strangers,

JULES (as Conner): Okay, Boromir, remember; don’t take anything from them,
don’t go with them even if they ask you nicely, and ALWAYS run and tell a
grown-up friend afterwards.


who neither of them had ever met,

BOROMIR: Oh, well done; you know the definition of the word “stranger”.

without him there to keep an eye on all of them.

JULES: I’m getting creepy Sam/Frodo vibes; who else is?
*Hands raised*


Boromir assured his squire that there was no danger,

JULES (as Boromir): I’m a big boy, Dad! I can take care of myself!

and gave him permission to relax and enjoy his afternoon of leisure.

BOROMIR: “You just relax and have fun; try to have sex with elves while you’re at it…”

Conner wandered the great house slowly, peering into the dim inner rooms, lit
by only a few flickering candles,

BOROMIR: Shrouded in mists of boredom…
BORIS: Snore.


and hesitated for a moment before entering one that looked brighter than the rest and more inviting.

JULES: The…secret Rivendell sex dungeon?
BOROMIR (shudder): Bathhouse?


It was a large room full with books and scrolls,

ALL: Oh.

but not like the dust-filled disorganized library in Minas Tirith, this one had a clean and wholesome air about it.

JULES (as Conner): Ah, I love the smell of Pine-Sol!

At the back, where there were comfortable chairs arranged for reading,

CHESTERFIELD (grin): Comfortable chairs…ONLY for reading?
JULES: Shut up, Chesterfield; you’re bringing back unpleasant memories of Harry Potter library sex fics.


tall windows let in beams of brilliant sunlight.

JULES: Song riff with me, Boris?
BORIS (shrug): Sure.
BOTH (singing): I’m happy, I’m feelin’ glad; I got
sunshine, in a bag…


"Have you never been in a library before?"

JULES (as Conner): Nah, reading sucks, dude; I just spend all my time
playing video games.


The voice from behind startled him so much that he

BOROMIR: Jumped a foot in the air and screamed like a little girl.

half drew his sword from its scabbard before he whirled to confront the speaker.
Stunned, he stood silent

JULES (ominously): As he came face to face with Glaurung, come back from the dead.

when he saw that he was up close one of the beautiful creatures who inhabited this valley,

BOROMIR: Elves?! Creatures?!
BORIS: Oh, relax; it’s probably a deer or a bird.


and he had not even heard her approach. He had not been this close to an elf in his life.

BORIS: Close encounters…of the elvish kind!
BOROMIR: Well, you were wrong about the animals.


She was as tall as he, with hair the color of golden honey

CHESTERFIELD: Mmmm…this fic’s making me hungry.

that fell in waves over her shoulders, to her elbows.

*Jules gets up and does the wave*

Her eyes were gray and keen

JULES: Well, I guess I should give her credit for getting the gray eyes
right…


and her gown glittered with sparkling threads.

BORIS: Naw, it glittered with sparkling pretzels.

"Yes," he finally sputtered out.

*Everyone makes spitting noises*

"I have often been in the greatest library that exists, in Gondor, where
my home is," he replied proudly, confident that he was right about that.

JULES: Tsk-tsk, we’re a little biased, aren’t we?
CHESTERFIELD: Well, why would you think that?


This elven collection of books and scrolls might be large, but it

JULES: Wasn’t as large as his penis.
OTHERS: WHAT?


would have fit into one corner of the Minas Tirith library. However, she did not seem impressed.

JULES (Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka): “Oh…I don’t care.”

Why have you come so far from your home?"

CHESTERFIELD: “The author made me!”
JULES: Chesterfield, that has to be the lamest riff you’ve ever made.


The elf lady turned away from him after asking, and sat on a bench while gesturing
for him to sit beside her.

BOROMIR: Amazing; the multi-tasker.

At first he was not sure what he should say to her,

BORIS (as Conner, thinking): Should I offer to buy her a drink? Nah, she
might think I was coming on to her…should I talk about the weather? Nope,
that’s just plain silly…


not that he thought there was much to hide that would not soon be common
knowledge.

*Much snickering from Boris and Chesterfield*
BOROMIR: I guess I’m not the only one to notice the hidden sexual undertones in
that passage.


She appeared interested, and that was new for him,

JULES (as if abruptly waking up): Er…what’s that, Conner? Did you say something?

so he decided he could say a little to satisfy her.
He explained, carefully, how his Captain, who was Boromir, the son of Denethor,
who was the Steward of Gondor,

JULES: Lord of excessive titles…
BOROMIR: Hey!


had come to this place seeking the meaning of a vision brought to both him and his brother, Faramir, in separate dreams.

BOROMIR: No, in shared dreams. That’s logical.

The brothers had heard a voice in their shared dream that had counseled them to seek for a broken sword in the far northern dale of Imladris.

BOROMIR: But…she just said…
BORIS: Let’s move on; I’m WAY too confused.


Conner, as a faithful squire to his Captain, had been with him every step of
the way to see to it that no one halted or hindered that quest.

JULES: He’d seen to it that all Mary Sues that crossed their path had met a violent, bloody end.
BOROMIR (scowl): I went to Rivendell alone, for Eru’s sake. And I could have protected myself from any Mary Sues.
JULES (snort): Ha. Not according to the Suethors you couldn’t have.


All that the people of Gondor, and he, had known before today about Imladris was that the valley was home to Elrond the Halfelven,

BOROMIR (yawn): We KNOW.
CHESTERFIELD: Get on with it!


who was deemed wisest of all the wise.

BORIS: Okay, guys, say it with me…
ALL: As wise as somebody…really, really, REALLY wise.


Also, it was reportedly a dwelling place of many others that were learned in the lore of Middle-earth from its most ancient beginnings.

JULES: Sounds like the author should spend some time there, then.
BORIS: Most boring riff you’ve ever made.
JULES: Oh, shut up.


"If any would know the answer to the riddle that the brothers of Gondor both dreamed about," Conner told her, "then they would abide here or nowhere."

BOROMIR: Actually, you COULD check with Gandalf...he might be able to figure it out.
JULES: Somehow I don't see Gandalf having a lot of patience with Conner.


For a time after he finished, the elf just looked at him,

CHESTERFIELD(as elleth): I wonder if he knows he’s got food stuck in his teeth.

with a dreamy expression on her otherwise placid face.

BORIS (as elleth): Mmmm…pipeweed…

"Ah, an innocent you are, I can tell by your eyes," she said finally with a sly smile.

JULES: Here it comes…
BORIS: Oh, bloody Morgoth…


Conner was not sure what she meant; he certainly did not consider himself that way.

JULES (as Conner): I’m not innocent! I’ve seen PG-13 movies, and I can even cuss: diaper biscuits!

"I am no innocent, fair maid," he said slowly,

JULES: GEEZ!
CHESTERFIELD: That’s creepy.


not sure if he should go into any gruesome details about the bloodshed he had witnessed in his life, and decided against it.

BORIS: Aw, that’s too bad…just when I thought this could get interesting…

"Indeed," he continued, more sure of himself, "in my travels, while in the company of my Captain, I have seen much with these eyes

BOROMIR: No, with this nose.

that would cause many men to tremble with fear and loathing."

JULES (gasp): So…like…Prince Charles in a leather bikini doing yoga?

As he spoke, another elf maid joined them,

BORIS (as other elf maid): Quick! Run! The PPC is at the door to the House of Elrond!

who seemed to be identical in every way to the first, including the gown that she wore.

BOROMIR (laughing): Didn’t know elves were into dressing alike even after
they were adults.
BORIS (little girls): Look at us! Me and my best friend are twins!


She stood still and cocked her head at him before speaking.

JULES: Wait for it…

"What my sister means," she said pertly,

JULES: Wait for it…

"is that you have never lain with a woman yet, have you?"

JULES: Bingo.
BOROMIR: Oh, my Iluvatar…


Without asking, she sat on the bench next to Conner on his other side.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Good Eru, whatever happened to the idea of respecting personal space?

A subtle fragrance floated up from her hair to tickle his nose.

JULES: Insert the Herbal Essences commercial jingle here.

Her face was just as fair as the first one's and her white skin seemed to shine from within.

JULES: It was glow-in-the-dark.

Momentarily, he was stunned both by the question and the nearness of such beautiful women,

BORIS (as Conner): Woooooowwwwww… (abruptly falls over)
JULES: I still think Glaurung’s hanging around somewhere.


that he could not bring himself to speak.

JULES (Cowardly Lion): Shucks, folks, I’m speechless.

The elf maidens sat quietly, smiling at him,

BOROMIR (as elf maidens): Hee hee…we made him faint, ha, ha!

while he considered how to answer.

BORIS (as Conner, high school student): Oh, shit; I can’t tell them the truth; they’ll laugh at me! I’ll never get to score!

"You will have to excuse my ignorance of your curious ways of carrying on
conversations with strangers," he finally replied.

CHESTERFIELD: “My mommy always told me it was BAD to talk to strangers.”

"But my... private life is not usually the affair of any other besides myself, nor do I consider such matters proper for polite conversation."

ALL: THANK YOU!
JULES: At least someone besides us realizes how wrong this is.


As he spoke, the beautiful elves moved closer to him.

JULES (gasp): Elf sandwich!
CHESTERFIELD (drool): Yum…


"But we are not strangers anymore, man of the south," said the first elf.

BORIS: “We just met about half a minute ago, and I can already tell we’re going to be lifelong friends!”

"At least," said the other, who put her hand on his knee as she spoke, "we would like to get to know you better while you are visiting here."

JULES (shaking her head): Doesn’t this remind you of the Castle Anthrax scene
in “The Holy Grail”?
BOROMIR: What?
BORIS: Hey, yeah! It does!
BOROMIR: WHAT?!
JULES: Oh, come on, Boromir; just ‘cause you haven’t
seen it doesn’t mean it’s obscure.
*Boromir glares at her*


Her fingers on his leg were slender and pale, their weight a diversion.

CHESTERFIELD: So that the second elleth could pick his pocket
without him noticing.


"My name is Glorchiniel," she told him.

BOROMIR: What IS that? A combination of “Glorfindel” and “Niniel” or…something?

"And my name is Glawareth," said the first.

BORIS: “And WE’RE…the Ellethson Twins! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun…”

"What is your name, man of Gondor?"

JULES (Monty Python): “Sir Galahad. Sir Galahad the Chaste.”

"Conner, son of Hedrik,

JULES: Son of Hagar the Horrible…”

squire to Captain Boromir of the White City," he announced with pride.

BORIS: “Who, incidentally, is not going to show up anymore in this story…”
BOROMIR: In that case, every cloud has a silver lining.


And judging from their similarity, he reasoned that they must be sisters, and identical twins at that.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, that’s some brain power your squire’s got there, Boromir!
BOROMIR (sarcastically): Thank you so much.


"Would you care to see the broken sword, Conner?" The one named Glorchiniel asked.
"We can show it to you," said her sister.

JULES (as Glorchiniel): We’re going to be talking like this throughout the entire fic.
BORIS (as Glawareth): Because twins always either have to say stuff in unison or else finish each other’s sentences.


Conner's head swiveled back and forth as they spoke

CHESTERFIELD:Oh, that’s gotta be painful…
BORIS: Hey, he’s a bobble-head doll!


and he felt something like a puppet whose head was being jerked to and fro.

JULES: Note: no puppets were harmed in the writing of this story.

"The... the sword that was broken?"

ALL: St-st-st-stutter…

He asked one and then turned to the other to say, "It is here?"

BOROMIR (as Glorchiniel): No, it’s all the way in Lothlorien; we’re going to have to take a long journey to see it! Stupid question…

He was astonished that they were privy to this valuable information that his Captain had traveled so far to learn.

JULES: Elves are not as dumb as you think, Conner.

"Come with me, the sword is not a secret here," said Glorchiniel,

CHESTERFIELD: “No, it isn’t,” chimed in Glawareth.

as she stood and beckoned at Conner to follow her. "It is one of our most honored artifacts."

BORIS: “It is extremely important,” added Glawareth.

Glawareth stood too, and he rose quickly to offer her his elbow,

*Chesterfield looks pleadingly at Jules*
JULES (sigh): Fine; go ahead.
CHESTERFIELD (as Conner, popping his elbow out): Here you go! Don’t need this anymore!


which was how he had been trained to treat ladies.

CHESTERFIELD (snicker): Yep; pop out your appendage; that’s really polite.

When she slipped her hand through his arm,

BOROMIR: Ouch!
BORIS: Blood, blood, blood!


and smiled right into his eyes,

JULES (singing): In your eyes…the light, the heat…I am complete…

he felt a thrill race through his body.

CHESTERFIELD: Whoosh!

She wrinkled her nose and shook her head slightly as they walked down the corridor behind her sister.

BORIS (as Glawareth): Smells like shit!

"When is the last time you bathed, Conner son of Hedrik?"

JULES: WHAT?! Rude, sluttish elves?!

Another strange question.

CHESTERFIELD: A strange question deserves a strange answer.
BORIS (as Conner): Back in the shadow of the past…


"And are all soldiers in Gondor as shaggy-haired as you are?"

BOROMIR (as Conner): No, just the ones who are related to sheep dogs.

She cast her eyes over his head and shoulders,

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth, throwing eyes): EYEBALLS! EYEBALLS FOR EVERYONE!

as if she was familiar with the required grooming of a soldier.

JULES: Meaning…no grooming at all.
BOROMIR (as Glawareth): They ALWAYS show up here; these smelly, filthy Men…


It took a moment of confused mumblings before Conner could reply.

BORIS (as Conner): Duh, uh, heh, yeh, elf pretty, duh yuh.

His Captain had warned him to be cautious in his speech around the Fair Folk,

JULES (as Boromir): No slang, no curse words, no contractions…

who were rumored to be clever to the point of deviousness when seeking information.

BORIS (as elves): Tell us!
CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): No! I’ll never talk!
BORIS (as elves): Fine! If you don’t, we’ll shave your beard off and dress you in robes!
CHESTERFIELD (as Connor): All right, all right, I’ll tell you!


"You must decline to reply to any queries into the defenses of the White City," he had been ordered.

BOROMIR: And are we supposed to know WHY the elves would even WANT to know about the defenses of the White City?
*Silence*
BOROMIR: Obviously not.


"Do not be lured into discussing the strength of arms in Gondor and those of our allies.

CHESTERFIELD: “No matter HOW much you may be tempted by Elven-whores…”

Or the condition of the outer walls and the security of the perimeter of the Pelennor."

JULES: “Or the fact that my father’s a pyromaniac, or the secret pipeweed
stash at Osgiliath, or that scandal involving Beregond and an orc, or…
BOROMIR (angrily): Shut up! Shut up right now!
JULES (snort): Aw, you’re still upset about last night, aren’t you?
BOROMIR: SHUT UP!


He was ready to be tortured for information by formidable foes, just to prove
how well he could keep it all a secret.

BOROMIR: Oh, that’s realistic, since elves are commonly in the habit of
torturing their guests. Right.


But he had not been told how to answer questions about his sanitary practices.

BORIS (as Conner, bragging): I take a bath every month, whether I need to or
not!


Especially not by women, who normally should never be concerned with anything
beneath the surface of his chain mail and trousers,

JULES: Hey, what’s the big idea?! We’re people; we’ve got hormones too, you
know!
BOROMIR (scowl): Too true.


unless they were his wife.

JULES (subdued): Ah.
BOROMIR: Jules, please take a hint from that above statement.


Perhaps elves had a different point of view about common courtesy,

JULES: They did NOT! They were even more conservative, for crying out loud!

but this was beyond his experience.

ALL (mockingly): Noooooooo!

"My Captain and I," he finally said, after choosing his words carefully,

BORIS (as Conner, sorting through words): Let’s see; should I say this or this or…nah, let’s not say that…

in case he said anything that would offend sensitive ears,

*Jules makes beeping censor sounds*

"have been traveling through the wild for the time of three moons and more, fair ladies.

JULES: Many moons-im, hup. You savvy?

In all of that time, our opportunities to find adequate lodgings with hot water for bathing were rare."

CHESTERFIELD:“Except when we came to the Best Western…”
JULES: No advertising when you riff, Chesterfield.
CHESTERFIELD: But I saw that commercial again last night.


He decided not to tell them of all of the times that Boromir had ordered him to

BOROMIR: Tap-dance in front of the Lord Denethor in a purple jumpsuit and
cape.
JULES (nervously): This idea isn’t from personal experience, is it?


strip down to his skin and dip himself in

BORIS: Melted cheese.
CHESTERFIELD: Chocolate.


whatever likely stream or river that they ran across.

JULES: Wow; even if it was full of sewage?
CHESTERFIELD: Better NOT tell ‘em about that…


His Captain, the son of the Steward of Gondor,

BORIS: Okay, okay, we get the point about who he is. Geez.

had been raised in semi-royal conditions and had odd high-born ideas about cleanliness.

JULES: So it’s a custom for the wealthy of Gondor to bathe themselves in
sewers?
BOROMIR: Wait, I…what?


Bathing naked in broad daylight had been embarrassing enough

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, sure, ‘cause he normally bathes clothed
in broad daylight; yep.


and Conner did not want to bring up any memories of
it, lest he blush and shame himself.

BORIS (as blushing Conner): Aw, shucks…heh heh…you’re
too kind…I’m nothin’…


To his relief, his answer seemed to satisfy Glawareth,
and they walked in silence behind her sister, up a staircase, and onto a wide
hall,

JULES: I’m on the edge of my seat!

with tall opened windows that stretched from floor to
ceiling.

*Everyone makes elastic stretching sounds*

In a place of honor, well lit by the sun's rays, on a bed of dark velvet,

CHESTERFIELD: Covered with dark velvet sheets, under a lace canopy, among
scatterings of rose petals…


gleamed the shards of a sword, and next to it lay an ancient leather

BORIS: Crotch support!

scabbard.

BORIS: Oh.

Conner stared at the sacred mementos of a distant age until his eyes grew
bleary with strain.

CHESTERFIELD (as ellith): Wow…you’re not blinking! You win that
staring contest!


What did it mean? He only hoped that Boromir would know. The kind of hero who
bore this weapon would not be seen again.

BOROMIR: Oh, that’s what HE thought.
JULES (dryly): Everyone take note of the oh-so-subtle
foreshadowing.


"Is there anything else that you would like to see?"

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): “Where’s the bathroom?”

Glorchiniel stood close to him on his other side from her sister, who was still holding his elbow.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth, holding up elbow): Just what am I supposed to do with this thing?
JULES: All right, that’s enough. The joke’s gotten old by now.


"That might help you to feel less a stranger?"
"I have an idea of where to go next," said Glawareth.

ALL: TORTURE CHAMBER!!!

"And we will get to know each other very well, and accomplish a worthy goal at the same time.

BORIS: Oh…does this mean what I think it means?
JULES (shiver): I’m afraid to consider it.


A soldier of Gondor should think that a desirable pastime.” She smiled at her sister and then looked up at Conner. "How brave are you, young squire?"

JULES (shudder): I’m REALLY afraid to consider it…
BOROMIR: Oh, this is too much…
CHESTERFIEL (snicker): For the sake of the elves, I sort of hope Valinor doesn’t have
internet connection…


"Brave enough," Conner replied without thinking, and then paused to
regret it.

BORIS (as Conner, pausing): Okay…I regret it. Moving on.

What did she have in mind that required courage?

JULES: Dancing the hokey-pokey naked on the roof!
BOROMIR: Wearing a turnip on a string around his neck!
CHESTERFIELD: Hugging Elrond!
BORIS: Dressing up like Arwen and going to kiss Aragorn!


It was not as if he was afraid of having to engage in combat with these flower-like creatures,

BOROMIR: Oh, Eru, they made him THAT innocent?
JULES: How trite.


whose slender frames and delicate limbs posed no obvious threat to him.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Gonna break me some BONES!

Conner was well trained in grappling with men larger than he, and had even won
contests at hand-to-hand fighting back in Minas Tirith.

BORIS: You don’t say.
BOROMIR: He’s not going to be able to defend himself against the ellith, is he?


He was confident that he would have no difficulty subduing either of these elf
twins,

JULES (Sir Galahad): “I’m SURE I can tackle this lot single-handedly…”
BORIS and CHESTERFIELD: “YES! LET HIM TACKLE US SINGLE-HANDEDLY!


should one decide to attack him, or both. The idea excited him.

BORIS (Sir Galahad): “Look, let me just go back in and face some more of the
peril…”


"You may have to shed some of your notions," said Glorchiniel, who took his free elbow

*Chesterfield opens his mouth, looks at Jules, and closes it with a sigh*

and tugged him away from the broken sword.
"And a few other things," added Glawareth, as they led him out of they hall.

BOROMIR: “They” hall?
JULES (shrug): Well, it doesn’t sound like Quenya or Sindarin to me, but
whatever.


"You will have to be very brave." More than that, they did not say.

CHESTERFIELD: Did Yoda suddenly start writing this story?

Their riddling speech was too mysterious for him to fathom,

BOROMIR: “Alive without breath, as cold as death…”
BORIS: “What have I got in my pocket?”


and he let them guide him along, not seeing any reason to prevent them from
doing so.

CHESTERFIELD: Sheesh; and he warns Boromir to stay away from
strangers?
JULES: Sounds like somebody needs to spend some time at Safety Town.


They took him back down the stairway and then out of the house altogether. And
he wondered at the ease with which these cunning people had lured him away from
his Captain,

BOROMIR: Excellent point, by the way; you’d think I would have fired him
long ago.


when he finally realized what had happened.

JULES (deadpan): He had just stepped in a pile of dog shit.

He stopped in his tracks, forcing them to halt on either side of him.

CHESTERFIELD (as ellith): Phew…that stink got about ten times
worse!


"Where are you taking me?"

JULES: “To HELL!!! Mwahahahahaha!”

Conner looked back over his shoulder, expecting to see enemies of Gondor swarming into the house, now that he had left his Captain unguarded and vulnerable to attack.

BORIS: Geez, this guy thinks awfully highly of himself if he believes that Boromir’s gonna be attacked just ‘cause he’s not there to defend him.

But all was peaceful and quiet.

JULES: Except for the very faint whimpering of sensitive Tolkien geeks…

"We are there now," they answered in unison,

*Laughter*

as if he should have known and was being foolish to ask.

JULES: Yeah, like, DUH, Conner!

They were standing in front of a low-roofed structure that he took for some
kind of garden shed.

BORIS: Sex…in a garden shed?
JULES: Maybe rolling on the dirt after planting seeds?
CHESTERFIELD:
What can you say? It IS original.


It appeared to be a large, upside down bowl, made from latticework and covered
with vines bearing honeysuckle flowers.

JULES: Sex in one of the huts from Disney’s Pocahontas?
BORIS: Makes even less sense than the garden shed.


"Come inside," they beckoned, after releasing his arms and opening
the gate.

JULES: Is there a dirty joke in there somewhere?
CHESTERFIELD: Probably.


Within was a round, steaming tub of water, sunk into the earth,

JULES: Hey, it’s a Jacuzzi!
BOROMIR (amazed): If there was ever anything like that in Rivendell…


the likes of which Conner would have imagined one would find in a palace of a
great king in his glory.

JULES: Insert hot tub commercial here…

Its sunken edges were bordered with curved slabs of polished marble. The bright
day's sunlight was filtered through the vines above, which cast a cool green
shade over the stone and water.

JULES: Yawn.
BORIS: Snore.
BOROMIR: Are we there yet?
CHESTERFIELD: Bra snap.


"Do you need any help undressing?" Asked Glawareth,

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth): Aw, can poor widdle Conner not undwess himself?

who sat on a stool beside the pool, and removed her slippers. "You seem to have many layers of clothing."

BORIS: “The faster you get your clothes off, the sooner we get to the porn!”


Conner looked down at his leather jerkin, which covered the knee-length tabard
that he wore over his fine chain mail.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Shit; I spilled beer all over my clothes!

Under which was his woolen shirt and beneath that was his linen undershirt, and below his waist he wore trousers that were tucked into his high leather boots.

BORIS (whistle): Very impressive for a sentence with so few commas.
JULES: Yeah; the author managed to describe four articles of clothing in it.


He did not think he had that many layers on, however, as he was not dressed for
winter.

*gasp*
BOROMIR: The plot thickens!


But when Glorchiniel was ready to sit on the stool to remove her shoes,

BORIS: Conner, in a fit of mischief, pulled the stool away, so that the elf-maiden landed smack on her ass on the floor.

her unshod sister stood and lifted her own dress off in one graceful motion,

*Everyone claps*
JULES: Absolutely impressive.


revealing milk-white skin that gleamed in the fingers
of sunlight

BORIS: The sun has fingers?
BOROMIR: (cough)…Arien… (cough)
JULES (rolling her eyes): Such elaborate language, but in the WRONG places…


that stabbed down from above

BOROMIR (as murderous!Arien): Die, you fiends!

as she moved through them while she entered the pool.

*Jules hums the Swimming Pool song*

She wore nothing beneath her gown, he noted numbly,

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Dur-hur-hur, it’s…NAKIE TIME!!!

not slip nor chemise, nor corset, nor, well, anything. He was astonished.

BOROMIR: Oh, for the love of Eru, WE GET THE POINT!!!

Nearly leaping, he was startled by hands at his chest,

ALL: DIE, YOU FIEND!!!

and realized that he had not torn his eyes from the
naked elf woman,

CHESTERFIELD: RRRRRIPPPPPP!

whose riveting form was still vaguely visible even beneath the swirling bath water,

JULES (singing): Splish splash, I was takin’ a bath…

and had forgotten what he was doing, or where he was.

BOROMIR (as Conner): I don’t think I’m in Gondor anymore…oh, there’s a naked
woman in a bathtub. What am I doing here? That is the question.


Glorchiniel stood before him, her fingers busy
undoing the fastenings of his vest

JULES: Vest? The author left out an article of clothing!
*Everyone else shakes their heads*


and he was too weak to stop her, or assist in any way.

BORIS: Ha. I knew it.
CHESTERFIELD: So much for winning fights in Minas Tirith.


For a short time, fleeting fears almost overwhelmed him, such as what if
someone came in and saw them?

JULES (as Elrond, popping in): Argh! Not ANOTHER example of elves under the
spell of excessive lust!


Or, what if Boromir called for him?

BOROMIR: “Get back in here, Conner! Your break’s over! There’s a bevy of
Mary Sues that just showed up at Rivendell!”


But the thoughts faded in importance as each new layer of his clothes were
removed by the skillful elf fingers.

CHESTERFIELD: The unskillful elf fingers did nothing, and were quite jealous.

When she came to the long undershirt, which reached his knees once his trousers
had been removed,

CHESTERFIELD: And…not before?

she put her hand over her mouth and giggled.

JULES: Oh, Lord, they’re turning the elves into ditses.
BORIS (wincing): Never underestimate the brazenness of elf-porn writers.


"Do you wear this to sleep in? I have only heard stories about such garments."

CHESTERFIELD: “I remember the tales of Undie son of Pantie who rode out to the wars against Brauron in the First Age; he did many great deeds…
JULES: Geez; considering the amount of lore and history of the elves, this is pretty sad.


She sounded almost grateful for the opportunity to witness his underwear,

CHESTERFIELD:“ ‘Tis the stuff of legends, this garment; I have heard of its many wondrous powers!”

as if it was sewn from the stuff of legends.

JULES (laughing): Wow; not far off.
BOROMIR: I feel as if I should laugh, but this is MUCH too pathetic.


"But I could never have imagined they would look this peculiar."

CHESTERFIELD: Why would she imagine them anyway?
JULES: Forget it; the logic in this story just up and died as soon as the ellith made their appearance.


But when she reached to pull the long shirt off of Conner, he balked, and
stopped her.

BORIS (as Conner): Respect my personal space.

He had enough trouble being naked in front of his superiors upon command,

BOROMIR: I’m not even going to TRY to comment on that one. It’s simply…
JULES: Perverted?
BOROMIR: Yes.


but to be with members of the fairer sex?

*Gasp*
BORIS (as Conner): But I came out of the closet a month ago!


It was unheard of, and unplanned for, and he had nothing to compare it to.

BORIS: Case in point…

Besides all of that, his private parts were betraying him by responding
improperly,

JULES: They were twitching back and forth instead of simply going erect.

despite his strongest efforts to subdue his arousal.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Heh…just don’t pay any attention to this rock I’m holding in my crotch; I need it for…for…dammit.

"I think that maybe you need some incentive," said the patient
Glorchiniel,

JULES (singing): You and me, baby, ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel…

and she stepped back from him and removed her own gown, as her sister had done
before, in one smooth movement.

*Everyone claps*

"It is rude in this valley," she told him, "to remain clothed in front of a naked elleth in the bathhouse."

*Jules and Boromir abruptly start twitching with horror, while Boris and Chesterfield start laughing hysterically*

Irregardless of his desire to be gentlemanly, as a
good soldier should,

JULES (as Conner): On my honor, I will try to live by the Boy Scout Law…

he was dumbstruck and unable to do more than stare.

CHESTERFIELD (stoner): DUUUUUUUUDE…

The elleth, as she had called herself, seemed pleased
to be ogled at by him, and did nothing to cover herself for the sake of
modesty.

JULES (as elleth, singing): I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt…

She seemed happy to have the chance to educate him.

JULES (bad sex-ed teacher): Now, Conner, when an elf and an elleth love each other very, very much…

And he was a more than willing student.

BORIS: All right, if anyone didn’t see that coming, you’re going down.

Her breasts were full, with pale pink peaks atop the perfect roundness,

BOROMIR: Hey, it’s like looking at Caradhras over Mirrormere!


and her waist was small enough for his hands to circle, he believed.

BORIS and CHESTERFIELD: Or so he believed…

But the most amazing thing about her body was that

JULES: She was the first elf ever to have acne on her chest.

beside the waterfall of golden tresses that floated around her shapely shoulders, she was completely without hair on any other part of her body.

CHESTERFIELD: COMPLETELY? Seriously, are elves REALLY hairless? They’re mammals, aren’t they?
JULES: NEVER try and mix Tolkien and biology; you’ll get confused every time.


As his eyes traveled lower he suspicions were confirmed.

*All facefault*

Now he knew he could not remove his shirt. Rude or not.

CHESTERFIELD: And the connection is…
BOROMIR: I doubt that there is one.


However, even his doughty undershirt could not disguise the size or scope of
his manly distress,

*Laughter and clapping*
JULES: Now, THAT’S a new euphemism for penis.
BORIS: Write it down; this is good to know.


and Glorchiniel's eyes were
caught by the slight jerking motions beneath the linen,

CHESTERFIELD (as Glorchiniel): Eek! It’s alive!

and widened with appreciation at the tell-tale bulge.

JULES (as Glorchiniel): Oh, my…is that a sword under your shirt or are you just happy to see me?

He stood still, unable to move, as she stepped forward and grasped him through
the garment, and then all he could do was gasp.

BORIS (as Conner, in a squeaky voice): Oh, bugger.

"You must not swaddle such a worthy sword, young squire," she chided him. "Such a fine weapon should be unsheathed often and polished to a high shine."

*Pause, then Jules starts laughing wildly*
BOROMIR (in disbelief): What on earth is so funny? This is NOT how elves act!
JULES (wiping her eyes): It’s just the euphemism…it's actually pretty clever...


"And I want to polish it first," added her sister, from the bath. "Do stop taking so much time getting him undressed."

BOROMIR (gulp): Oh, I was hoping it would be delayed further…
JULES: Let’s just get it over with…


Without letting go of his most private part,

BORIS: So…the…mole on the inside of his left bottom cheek?
CHESTERFIELD: Probably his soul.


the elleth used her other hand to lift the undershirt as far as it would go before meeting her grasping hand and tugged to suggest its removal.

BOROMIR (helplessly): If I even knew what any of that meant, I could riff it.

She shot him a questioning glance,

JULES: Bang!

and he nodded, unable to speak. Finally she released him,

CHESTERFIELD: Give me liberty or give me death!

and he removed his shirt by himself,

BORIS (in a falsetto): Conner’s a big boy now!
JULES (shiver): Frighteningly accurate, when you think about it.


breathing out a sigh when it was off and tossed aside.

BOROMIR: Tossed aside? Such wastefulness.

Glorchiniel smiled at him and held out her hand to lead him down into the water,

JULES (singing): Wade in the water…wade in the water, children…

and her sister clapped her hands.

BORIS (as Glawareth): Bravo! The undressing!

He had, despite their assumptions, lain with a woman once before.

JULES: Actually, it was a sex doll, but it SORT OF had a vagina, so he thought that it counted.

She was a courtesan of the court of Gondor, and much older than he.

BOROMIR: The court of Gondor has no courtesans; the court of Gondor NEEDS no
courtesans.
JULES (cringe): Why do these fanfiction authors so often assume that the elves and Numenoreans were obsessed with sex?


It had been quick, and passionless, done mostly on a dare. Neither of them had removed their clothes, the act had taken place in a closet, and was over with before he was even sure it had begun.

CHESTERFIELD: In a nutshell, the man’s still practically a virgin.
JULES: Oh, shit; that description immediately sets up the porn in the next chapter.


But he had always counted it as a milestone in his life as a man.

BOROMIR: Congratulations, Conner! You passed your test for manliness with flying colors!

It had certainly not prepared him for these sisters.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, it’s over.
BORIS: You think Morgoth will let us have a break before the next chapter?
JULES: If he doesn’t, I don’t care what happens; I am smashing that palantir…or
whatever it is.
*Exit the theater*



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(Wo)man on a Mission
Summary: Conner is bathed

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, that’s exciting.
JULES: Oh, dear Christ, no. No, no, no, no, no…
BOROMIR (nervously): Stay calm. This will be over before you know it…


A/N: A mix of book, movie, and my own imagination.

JULES: Sure; about 5% movie, 1% book, and 94% imagination, I’d say.

If there was a LOTR movie category, I would have posted there.

BORIS: Oh, not a cutting and pasting from the first chapter!

And, yes, I know, when elves have sex they are married. But
not in my AU.

CHESTERFIELD: "In my AU, they're hormonal, sex-obsessed bunnies!"
JULES: This is so AU it almost hurts.


Chapter 2
"Will you look at the hair on his legs and his... chest," said
Glawareth.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth): Oh, yeah, I remember; that’s the name
of it.


Her eyes were fixed on a different part of Conner's body, however,

BORIS: His nose?
CHESTERFIELD: His armpits?
JULES: His ears?


as she swam over to inspect the young soldier while Glorchiniel coaxed him into the sunken tub.

JULES (as Glorchiniel, coaxing): C’mon, buddy…it’s
okay, nothing’s going to hurt you…


"I can not wait to run my fingers through it."

BORIS: “It’s FUZZY! I like to pet fuzzy things!”

She raised her eyes to his upper torso and smiled appreciatively.

BOROMIR (as Glawareth): That is one big, ugly,
disgusting mole you’ve got there on your chest, Conner.


Conner had never felt proud or ashamed about his level of hairiness before,

*Chesterfield holds up a sign that reads “Hairy Pride Day!”*

although if anything he felt he lacked a sufficiently manly pelt on his chest.

*Jules makes caveman-style grunts*

But around these ethereal creatures of Imladris, with their porcelain-smooth skin and graceful limbs,

CHESTERFIELD: And snub noses…and rotten teeth…

he felt like a fur-covered bear and just as clumsy.

BOROMIR: Er…I have NEVER seen a bear other than a fur-covered bear…

There were short steps inside the sunken tub that led him deeper and deeper
into the steaming water.

JULES: Glub, glub, glub…

He wanted to hurry and submerge himself, but it was hard to move quickly.

BORIS: As he had gotten his feet entangled in a tuna net.

As soon as his feet touched the water, his previous embarrassing level of arousal subsided, and he had to fight to not wince from the pain.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Oof…they ARE responding improperly…
BOROMIR: His penis has a mind of its own.


The bath was much hotter than Conner had suspected, and the elves seemed to
take no notice of the uncomfortable temperature, which shamed him.

JULES: Well, that’s ‘cause they’re ELVES, stupid, and temperature affects ‘em less.

He had only entered as deep as his calves when he paused and then lifted one leg a few inches.

CHESTERFIELD: To pee.
JULES: Heh; like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant.


It was alarming to see that the lower part was uniformly red,

BORIS (as Conner): Oh, bloody hell; should have put on sunscreen.

and he was torn between wanting to prove that he was man enough to endure the
skin-scalding heat

JULES (singing): The heat is on, on the street…inside your head, on every
beat…


as well as these women could and an urge to jump back out and save his human
skin.

BORIS (as cannibalistic elves): Hmmm…boiled human in mushroom sauce…it’s
gonna be GOOD!


"What is it, man of Gondor?" Glorchiniel seemed to notice that his hesitation had nothing to do with modesty.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner, Homestar Runner): Uhhh…hang on…I’m…um…doing…something…

"Can you not abide the heat?" She made a slight gesture with her hands at Glawareth,

*Jules and Chesterfield raise their middle fingers*

who moved to the side of the tub and opened some sort of valve built into the edge there

BOROMIR: Some doohickey built into the whatchamacallit…

to release a stream of what must have been cold water.

CHESTERFIELD: Only it was actually cat piss.

New clouds of wispy steam rose from where it poured into the bath.

JULES (singing): Give me steam…and how you feel can make it real…

It took a few minutes for the effect to be felt, but Conner was soon better able to step in deeper and eventually was up to his neck.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner, Homestar Runner): I’ve GOTTA stop dwinking so much mewonade…I think
I got a sewious pwobwem.


The depth was another surprise. He had not expected it to be over his waist, much less over his head.

JULES: You know, I’d say a LOT is over this guy’s head, including sexual innuendo that would be obvious TO A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD!
BORIS: Conner equals very stupid.


The dappled sunlight on the steamy surface made it difficult to judge until he was actually inside of it.

BOROMIR: Until he drowned. The end.

It was very unlike the bath he used in his barracks back in Gondor, which was long and shallow and stood up from the earth floor of the bathhouse on blocks.

BORIS: And paid the author a thousand bucks for its brief cameo in this
story.


The soap he was issued at home burned his skin and eyes more than the heat of
the water,

CHESTERFIELD: Well, damn.

which was usually tepid, but he never complained.

BOROMIR: Hmmm…
BORIS: Wow.
JULES: Yep.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, get on with it!


He had never considered bathing to be a leisure activity, as these elves seemed to do.

JULES: Oh, come on; it’s not the BATHING that’s the leisure activity, it’s
the SEX!


But for all of their flirtatious ways and grabbing of his private parts, once he was in the bath with them everything changed.

CHESTERFIELD: For some unaccountable reason, they had rushed out of the water and started throwing up.

Instead of continuing with their advances, they insisted on getting him clean.

BOROMIR: You know, it’s strange how these fanfiction elves seem to enjoy
treating Men like pets.
JULES: Well, I guess you could say that Men are to elves as chimps are to
humans, evolution-wise…


His hair, Glorchiniel insisted, appeared to be the host to several kinds of living creatures

JULES: Oh, urgh. Couldn’t we have done without that little sentence?

and Glawareth announced that his skin needed to be uncovered

BOROMIR: From his hair?
CHESTERFIELD: From…what?


from beneath the layers of soil he had collected in his travels.

BORIS: Hey, that’s not fair; he probably wanted to add the dirt to his
collection at home.


The occasional cold baths in lakes and streams had only sealed it all in.

ALL: ZZZZZZIPPPPPPP!

Conner was ordered to dunk himself under the water a few times, to wet his head.

JULES (basketball announcer): And he shoots…it’s a slam dunk! He scores!

After that he was brought back to the steps to sit, and they began to wash his hair.

JULES: Okay, recap of the action so far…
BORIS: As you can see, there wasn’t any.
JULES: You’re right. Moving on…


Together, they applied a soft soap to his head, massaging it into his

CHESTERFIELD: Eyes and nose!

scalp.

CHESTERFIELD (disappointed): Awwwwww…

It had a fresh clean scent to it, like

JULES: Fresh linen sheets, blowing on a clothesline on a sunny day, in a rose garden, with butterflies fluttering around and birds chirping…

a forest after a rain shower.

JULES: …And little bunnies hopping around…what?
*Everyone else shakes their heads*


They scooped it out of a jar that sat in a ledge built
into the side of the tub behind the top step.

BOROMIR: Oh, commas, where have you gone?

He saw more jars and other items there that he recognized, like cleaning
cloths, sponges and brushes,

JULES: Hmmm, so the bathhouse of Rivendell doubles as a janitor’s closet.

and a few things that he had never seen before.

BORIS: Um, could you be a little vaguer, please?

Glorchiniel was the first to apply some of the soap to the hair on his chest, and then Glawareth joined in.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, yay for them.

Here was something else, they told him, that they had only heard about, all of
this hair on a manly body.

BOROMIR: Right, that was their favorite part of the story of Turin Turambar: all the hair growing on his chest.
JULES: Lord, what kind of elves is Rivendell producing nowadays?


They had him lift his arms and they lathered the hair there, too.

BORIS (yawn): This is getting more and more exciting…pretty soon they might actually start washing his PUBIC HAIR.
*Over-dramatic gasp*


It tickled, but he considered it a form of torture and endured without jerking
away from their fingers.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): I can bear it…at least they’re not shaving my beard and dressing
me in robes…I CAN hold out…


"It is time to rinse," they said in unison and they led him off of
the steps.

*Laughter*
BOROMIR: These ellith must practice giving their
orders in perfect unison or something.


The inside of the tub was deeper on one end and there was a spillover trough
inside the rim of the deepest side to catch the displaced water.

BORIS: INTENSE…DESCRIPTIVE…ACTION!

The elleth had him hold his head

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, Conner’s the new Headless Horseman.

so they could flush the soap in his hair out into the
trough

*Everyone makes toilet flushing sounds*

with a large ladle that sat there for that purpose.

JULES: Oh, thank God; for a minute there I had some unpleasant pictures in
my head involving the ladle and handcuffs and lots of spanking.
BOROMIR (retch): I DIDN’T, until you mentioned it.


Both of the ellith were happy with the results and
they marveled at Conner's hair, now that it was free of inhabitants.

BORIS (as ellith): Now we can rent it out to much higher bidders!

It was darker than theirs, but not by much, more sandy than golden,

JULES (announcer): This bit of porn is brought to you by the Crayola
Company…


and they thought it was delightful how it matched the hair on his chest.

CHESTERFIELD: Ah, so normally the hair on a man’s chest DOESN’T match the hair on his head.
BOROMIR: What, didn’t you know that?


He had to take their word for it that it was well washed, however.

BORIS: DESPITE the fact that he didn’t feel any lice crawling around in his
hair anymore…
JULES (as Conner): Say, is it just me, or do I suddenly feel…alone?


There was none of the familiar skin and eye burning scald that he was familiar
with from soldier's soap, but he supposed the milder concoction of the elves
had made him just as clean.

BORIS: Great.
JULES: Yahoo.
BOROMIR: Dull.


At that point, Conner was feeling very relaxed, more relaxed than he could ever
recall being,

JULES (as Conner): Ohhhhmmm…

let alone than he had felt since he and Boromir had set out on their rigorous
quest.

CHESTERFIELD (dramatically): The quest…to destroy all canon!

After submerging him into the hot water, these women had not advanced any
farther with their curious sexually aggressive actions.

BOROMIR (relieved): Well, at least…
JULES (shudder): Don’t relax yet; this chapter’s not even halfway through.


They ran their fingers through his clean hair, commenting on its texture and it
felt wonderful.

JULES (singing): Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, ohhhhh…

His whole scalp tingled.

CHESTERFIELD (as elleth): Oops…I…uh…accidentally dropped a lit
match into your hair…


He had to wonder if the seductive act that they had put on earlier was a ruse,
a subtle ploy, to entice a smelly human into the bath,

BOROMIR: Well, we can hope…
JULES: DESPITE this not being the Elven style of getting humans to take baths…DO they ever try to get humans to take baths?
BOROMIR: No idea.


but he was oddly grateful for that alone. Being up to his neck in a bath was a new sensation for him,

BORIS: WE KNOW BY NOW.

and every weary place in his body felt renewed, and every sore place restored.

JULES: He had just gone to his first yoga class, and he felt GREAT.

The gentle massaging fingers on his scalp had worked wonders on his agitated
spirits. He wondered why he had felt so nervous and hesitant.

CHESTERFIELD (Deb from “Napoleon Dynamite”): You’re floating in a warm, green, tropical
ocean, Conner, surrounded by little tiny seahorses…


"Come, Conner," said Glawareth, as she
tugged his arm.

BORIS: “Time for your morning walk, doggie.”

"We need to move you back to the steps, so we can clean your skin."

JULES: Ohhhh…NOOOOO!
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, just relax and riff; don’t let it get to you.


Her sister moved in that direction and pulled a pair of washing cloths from the
ledge there.

BOROMIR: “And voila! I pull the magic wash cloths out from the ledge! Thank you, thank you!”

Another jar of soap was uncorked, and the aroma of freshly crushed mint filled
the air.

JULES (singing): Winterfresh mouth tastes much, much cooler…

After they had him situated on a step high enough out of the water that they
could reach as much of his body as possible, they began to scrub him.

BORIS: And…one comma! You win the grand prize, author! (pulls out a trophy)

The soapy cloths moved swiftly over his skin, swooping over his back, down his
legs, and circling up over his shoulders and arms,

ALL: WHHOOOOOOOSSSSSH!!!

and it would have been more relaxing than the hair wash, if the women were not so close to him.

BOROMIR (as Conner): Do…all elves…have breath…as bad as yours?

Their own bare, wet skin would bump or rub or slide over his from time to time,
or crush against him for breathtaking moments

*All gasp*

while a particularly vigorous scrubbing was applied somewhere,

CHESTERFIELD: You know, somewhere, but we’re not really sure where…maybe it can be located on a map…

and he could not ignore these unintended caresses no matter how hard he fought
it.

JULES: Here’s an idea: JUMP OUT OF THE WATER AND RUN FOR IT.
BORIS: But that would make SENSE!


Were they not aware of how uncommon a position this was for a mortal man?

*Laughter*
JULES: His naïveté surpasses all naïveté.


He clearly felt a nipple poking his rib and he jumped.

BORIS: Hey, ellith from Rivendell have spiky nipples?
CHESTERFIELD: I guess you learn something new every day.


"What is the matter, Conner?" Glorchiniel,
at his left side, leaned away from him as she waited for his response,

JULES (as Glorchiniel, checking a watch): About a minute until the first erection…

and exposed the peak of taut flesh that was her gentle weapon.

BORIS (as Glorchiniel): TA-DA!!!

"You jump as if you had been prodded with a spear."

BOROMIR: Er…I think if he’d been prodded with a spear, he’d be DEAD.
JULES: (cough)…Ditsy elves… (cough)


Both tips of her breasts were puckered and he could not tear his eyes away from
them,

BORIS: Oh, the things you can do with super glue.

or the luscious looking flesh they sat atop.

JULES (singing): On top of Old Breasty, all covered with peaks…I’m thinking that elf-porn just always plain reeks…

They were definitely not spears, but they probably were lethal. At least to his peace of mind.

CHESTERFIELD (wince): Ah, the power of cheese…

The urge to touch this elleth was overwhelming and
grew even stronger when she arched her back, thrusting the shiny wet globes

BOROMIR (as Conner): I think I can locate Gondor on this map!

into a more inviting attitude.

CHESTERFIELD (as inviting breasts): Come on, come on, squeeze us, fondle us, you know you
want to…


Did she want him to grab them?

BORIS: No, she was shoving them in your face so you could test them for
breast cancer. Sauron, this guy is stupid.


It was hard to say anymore what these lovely women with their gleaming white
skin were about. However, Glawareth, at his right hand side, made a sound of
annoyance,

CHESTERFIELD (car alarm): WONK! WONK! WONK!
JULES: Creative.


possibly at how Conner's attention was focused on her sister, and before he knew what she was going to do to remedy the situation,

BORIS: Both ellith had shoved him under the water, shouting something very much like, “Ha, ha, sucker!”

his hand, itching to reach out and touch the inviting Glorchiniel,

*Everyone scratches his or herself loudly*

was lifted from his knee and planted firmly on her sister, instead.

CHESTERFIELD: “Be sure to water this every day; you’ll get a bumper crop of hands in a
month.”


At first, he did not know how to proceed.

JULES (as Conner, stupidly): Duh-huh…what?

He had never touched a woman's naked body before;

BOROMIR (dryly): Why, thank you; I never would have guessed.

the courtesan in the closet had a bosom that overflowed her bodice, but the best he could manage at that time was to bury his face between the plump hills,

CHESTERFIELD: Head for the HIIIILLLLLLLS!!!

he never had a chance to see or feel them.

JULES: Um…make sense?
BOROMIR: No.


The sensation of Glawareth's pliant flesh beneath his fingertips was a wonder in itself,

BORIS: And now, the Eighth Wonder of the World: Glawareth’s breasts!

but he wanted to do more.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Must…eat…elf…

"Go ahead," she said, as she placed her slender fingers over his large hand on her, "you can hold it."

JULES: All right, I just have to do this…
BOROMIR: What?
JULES (as Conner): NO! I CAN’T HOLD IT! I HAVE TO GO TAKE A PISS RIGHT NOW! DAMN YOU, WHERE’S THE BATHROOM?!
EVERYONE ELSE: Um…


She moved so he could feel her there as a soft weight in the palm of his hand,

JULES (singing): He’s got the whole word in his hands…

and then she pressed his fingers to close.

BORIS: Immediately breaking them in two.

"Breathe, Conner," said Glorchiniel.

JULES (doctor): Breathe in…breathe out…breathe in…breathe out…

She was nearly hanging on his shoulder and spoke directly into his ear,
tickling it.

BORIS (as Glorchiniel, creepy voice): You will
die…in seven days!


He breathed, and squeezed.

CHESTERFIELD: So, when did Conner suddenly start taking classes to relieve stress?

Fragrant hair spilled over his shoulder, arm and chest; warm lips grazed his
face,

JULES: Er…which lips are we talking about here?
BORIS: I think the lips in her face, but who knows?


"And I want a turn, too.

CHESTERFIELD (little kid): I wanna turn! Mommy, Johnny’s not letting me play on the slide!

Were you not going to polish his sword first?" She directed this last at
her sister.

JULES (as Glawareth): What?! I’m not in charge of taking care of his weapons…er…oh. Riiiiggggghhht…

"Not yet," said Glawareth, enjoying herself. "I wish you could see the look on his face, sister."

BOROMIR (as Glawareth): Now he looks like a stupid
fish as opposed to a stupid human!


Glorchiniel pressed most of her naked wet body against Conner's side

CHESTERFIELD: Not all, but MOST of it.

as she craned around his shoulder to see for herself.

JULES: Creeeaaaaakkkk…

"Look at me," she ordered.

BORIS (perky photographer): Smile! Say cheese!

But when he finally tore his eyes from Glawareth's breast beneath his grateful hand, Glorchiniel had disappeared and somehow slithered under his left arm,

*Jules and Boris hum “The Snake Dance”*

and was inspecting his private parts.

BOROMIR (as Glorchiniel): Hmmm…no pubic lice down there…no genital warts…

He gulped. Her fingers lifted and held him, while she examined the area.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glorchiniel): Damn it; where ARE my car keys?

"This nest of hair is very unsanitary," she declared. "But it
has a curious appeal, nonetheless."

JULES: “I can rent it out to even higher bidders than I can with the hair on his head!”

Her fingers first played in the curly growth of sand-colored hair

BORIS: Let’s build a sand-colored hair castle!

that grew around his surprised male parts

CHESTERFIELD (as male parts): Whoa, geez! Why didn’t you tell us you were gonna be touching us?

and then they traveled lower to investigate the softer side of his masculinity.

JULES: Hey, it’s a new euphemism for balls! Why were we not informed of this?!

She squeezed him there, but not hard. "I suppose I will have to take care of this," she sighed.

BOROMIR: “Since there is nobody else around…oh, WHAT a shame…”

When her fingers abruptly left him, he felt unfinished, but unsure of how to
make her continue.

BORIS: Try reverse psychology.

"He needs to be thoroughly washed, all of him, every inch of him,"

CHESTERFIELD: “I love to repeat myself over…and over…and over…and over…”

she pronounced sternly, with a prim smile puckering her perfect lips.

BOROMIR: Mmmm…sourballs…

Despite her tone, her eyes had a wicked glow as she reached for the jar of
cleanser and scooped up a generous amount.

JULES (cackling): I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!

Conner's eyes grew wide as he watched the soap-covered hand lower itself between his legs

JULES (elevator operator): Goin’ down!

and he groaned when she lathered him, all of him, every inch of him.

BORIS: All right, all right, we believe you; geez.

And she took her time. It grew increasingly difficult to concentrate on his
handful of elf breast.

CHESTERFIELD: Roasted elf breast, with orange chutney; serve with wild rice pilaf; serves
four people.


Glawareth assisted by moving closer, so he did not have to reach so far.

JULES: Well, that was (cough) nice of her…(cough)

"Wait!" He gasped, and managed to remove the hand between his legs that was bringing him swiftly to a conclusion that he was not sure would be polite to share, at least not in a bath.

BORIS: So, you mean…ORGASM?!
JULES: Damn, this author’s wordier than Tolkien himself.


"Wait for what, Conner?" Glorchiniel's eyes shone with amusement.

BOROMIR: For she had just polished them up before meeting Conner.

"Do not restrain your body's hunger for release. It is not healthy."

JULES (as Glorchiniel): Even when you’re at a
king’s court or fighting a battle, DON’T restrain your body’s hunger for
release…otherwise you’ll get sick and die.


Gently, she moved her hand out of his grasp to continue her self-appointed
cleansing task and then she applied herself vigorously,

BORIS: Squish, stroke, splatter, squish…

her soaped fingers wrapped around him tighter than before.

JULES (as Glorchiniel): His penis is getting away!
Help!


Glawareth had moved near enough to speak into his
ear, and she did so now.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth, little kid): Carrie is a teacher’s
pet…pass it on.


"It is allowed," she whispered while her sister's soapy hand drew him
closer and closer to the edge of his self-control. "Do not hold yourself
back."

ALL: “Be FREE!!!”

Glorchiniel appeared well aware that he was drawing
near to the peak of his arousal,

BORIS: Thar she blows!
JULES: Somehow I think that’s going to be the most overused expression when we
read fanfiction.


and resisting, for she moved her hand more quickly as
if to urge him onward.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glorchiniel): C’mon faster, faster, faster! Shake
a leg; get the lead out!


With a loud cry of relief that leaped unbidden from his lips,

JULES (as cry of relief): To infinity…and beyond!

Conner exploded,

BORIS: Yuck; entrails flying everywhere.

and then he saw no more but stars and heard nothing
but a roaring in his ears.

JULES: Hey, he’s somehow ended up on an Elven ship for Valinor!

All of the energy in Conner's body rushed into his loins in pulsing waves,

*Jules and Boris make the sound of a techno beat with their mouths*

and was expelled in spasm after spasm of pleasure under the elleth's
lathered hand, until he had no more to give.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Dur; I got nothin’
left in me.


He felt himself sliding down off of the steps and into the water, and he did
not care. Perhaps he would drown; it did not matter, because he would die
happy.

JULES: The end.
BOROMIR: Oh, how I hope so.


And then he was floating, he was floating in clouds, tiny wispy clouds that
were all around him.

JULES: He’s either in heaven or one of those 3-D light and mist shows at
Disney World.
BORIS: I’m gonna go with the latter.


It was vaguely familiar.

BORIS (as Conner): Hey, I remember watching this show at Disney World when I
was a kid!


"Conner?" A voice, a womanly voice, was
floating in the clouds with him

JULES: “Conner, this is Varda. You have raped canon quite severely.”

Conner, have you regained your senses?"

ALL: WHAT senses?

A face in the clouds, right next to his, a beautiful face, the most beautiful
face he had ever seen.

JULES (singing): I am sad…

"I love you," he whispered. And then there was another face, how
incredible, but, oh right, he forgot, just as beautiful. "And I love you,
too."

ALL (singing): LOVE, LOVE, LOOOOOOOVE!!!

But he was not dead, because he knew these faces.

CHESTERFIELD (Monty Python dead guy): I feel happy…I feel happy…

Oh, he was in a bathtub, of course.

ALL: Of course.

With a shake of his head, Conner planted his feet

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): This’ll grow me some nice foot-trees!

and studied the ellith who smiled at him serenely as they supported him in the water. His heart banged with fear as he stared about in wonder

BORIS: Clunk, clunk, clunkity-clunk…

and thought of what had just happened. Neither of the ellith seemed disturbed. Had they bewitched him?

BOROMIR: Well, not THEM, but…
JULES: Don’t even answer that question.


They were all three in the deeper end of the bath, and he remembered now how he
had let them lower him from the steps and pull him there.

ALL (as ellith): Oof…heavy…

He was that limply weak all over, after he had...

CHESTERFIELD: Orgasmed?
BORIS: Blasted his cannon?
JULES: Shot his load?
BOROMIR: Exploded?
BORIS: SHOT WAVE AFTER WAVE OF PLEASURE OUT OF HIS LOINS, UNDER THE ELLETH’S
STROKING HAND?!
JULES: Dear Lord…


And he winced to think of how he had said he loved them.

BOROMIR (as Conner): LOVE HURTS!

"Now that we have that out of the way," said Glawareth
briskly, "perhaps we can enjoy ourselves in a more relaxed fashion."

CHESTERFIELD: “Why don’t we start by doing some yoga?”
JULES: Considering where this fic is going, I’m surprised that’s NOT what
they’re doing.


They still held him at his shoulders, one on either side, and each with an arm
under one of his, even though he was standing.

*Silence*
CHESTERFIELD: Can you follow that?
BORIS: Nope. Let’s move on.


He decided that he did not care if they had put him under some kind of elvish
enchantment. Being this near to them was worth any risk.

JULES (snort): Well, the guy better hope Sauron doesn’t try to send servants
in the form of beautiful women after him.


"Have you ever kissed a woman, man of the South?" As she asked, Glorchiniel slipped her arm around his neck.

BOROMIR: And strangled him to death. The end.

Before he could answer, she planted her lips on his.

BORIS: Lip trees!

At his other side, her sister released her hold on him as well, and he could
feel her arrange herself beneath his arm so that he was able to embrace her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth): Okay…I’m arranging
myself…arms over my head, feet together, eyes to the sky, hold this pose for
thirty seconds…


A probing tongue slipped between his teeth.

BOROMIR: And he bit it cleanly in half.

"My turn," he heard Glawareth say, and
suddenly one soft mouth replaced the other.

BORIS (as Conner): Phew…you BADLY need a breath mint…

Beneath the water he could feel their long, smooth limbs sliding against him,

*Everyone makes rough sandpaper noises*

twining around his legs;

CHESTERFIELD: Tripping him up…

they both had one arm around his neck, one crossed over the other. He held onto
them at their waists, tentatively at first, unsure of how far he could go with
his hands.

BORIS: About ten miles.
BOROMIR: To the ends of the earth!
JULES: These riffs are so overused.


His biggest fear now was to lose their company by acting unmannerly,

ALL: Eh, oh…WHAT?!

although the limits of polite behavior with naked ellith in a bath were not necessarily clear.

*Silence. Dead silence*

Neither of them was shy with her caresses, however, and while one kissed him the other one would stroke his chest or let her fingers drift lower,

JULES (singing): Drifting with the current down a moonlit stream, stars above in heaven in their glory gleam…

perhaps over his rippling abdomen

CHESTERFIELD: Mmmm…chocolate fudge ripple!

or along his sensitive flanks, although not as low as
before.

JULES: Sure; down to his “manly distress” or his “softer side of his
masculinity”?
BORIS: Wow; you memorize these things fast.
JULES: Hey, it’s a gift.


Finally, he drew up the courage to let his hands travel freely over their
bodies, and they murmured their appreciation.

CHESTERFIELD: “Mmmm, good, good, now a little to the left…that’s it…now scratch my behind…ah,
very good…”


The only other woman he had ever touched below the waist had been the
courtesan, and he had a good firm grasp on her large fleshy haunches

JULES: Mmmm…BEEFY!

and remembered how she felt quite well, and recalled
the sensation often into his mind.

BORIS (as Conner): Feels like…
JULES (singing): Lightning running through…my veins…
BORIS: Er…I was gonna say something else, but okay.


The firmer, rounder, smoother bottoms of the ellith were nearly as amazing an experience for him as the way their firm breasts felt pressed against his chest.

BOROMIR (Gimli about Galadriel): I have looked upon that which is fairest in all Middle-Earth; henceforth I shall call nothing fair, unless it be the arses and breasts of sluttish elves.

"What would you like to do now, soldier?"

JULES: “Fuck you!”
BORIS: Sadly, I don’t think it’ll be that simple.


For several seconds, it was hard to think of what more there was to be done,

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner, Little Orphan Annie): Thanks a lot; I’ve had more fun than I’ll
ever have in a LIFETIME.


there were so many directions he could foresee, but
Conner knew one thing above all else that he was interested in knowing about.

BOROMIR (as Conner): What is the meaning of life?
JULES (as Conner): Where do babies come from?


The way they were holding themselves against him prevented him from feeling everything he wanted to know. And he wanted to do more than just use his fingers now.

BORIS: Oh, geez; this thing uses more euphemisms and riddles than Tom
Bombadil!


"I want to..." He stopped, unsure of how to say it.
"You want to... what?" Glawareth asked.

JULES: Eloquently spoken!

Both sisters' faces were inches from Conner's,

BOROMIR (as ellith): Phew…must have eaten onions
for lunch…


and their strange gray eyes seemed to pierce him and attempt to find his
secrets.

BORIS (as elleth): Oh, my…did he REALLY give an
orc oral sex?!


"Say it," she added. "Do not be afraid to say what you
want."

JULES (singing): All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…

They were still now, no more stroking or rubbing their slippery selves against him. He could tell that they were serious about granting his wish.

JULES (retch): Elven prostitutes…I see where this is going now…
BOROMIR: I never thought it would come to this…


"I want to... see... you."

BORIS: Conner’s really got a way with words, don’t you think?
CHESTERFIELD (as ellith, stupidly): But you can see us NOW, silly!


He glanced down at what lay hidden beneath the water but could look neither
sister in the face.

JULES (as Conner): Heh, heh, pussy, heh, heh.

"I know what he wants," said Glorchiniel happily. "Come along, Conner, we need to get back to the shallow end."

BOROMIR (as Glorchiniel, thinking): All right; if he dives in and smashes his head on the bottom of the pool, it will be more painful than drowning…
BORIS: Wow; sadistic today, aren’t we?
BOROMIR (angrily): Well, why would you think that?


She released his neck and swam ahead of him and her sister, and climbed up to
sit on the edge of the tub right at the top of the steps.

JULES (as Glorchiniel): Now, if you’ll look closely, you’ll see how to do this tucked-up dive…oh, and don’t worry if you smash your head on the bottom of the pool…

Before he could climb all the way up to join her, she opened her legs, wide,

*Everyone imitates the sound of a door creaking*

and he stumbled on the lowest steps and ended up on his knees before her, only a few steps lower.

BOROMIR: I don’t see the connection.
CHESTERFIELD: Maybe the swinging door knocked him over.


It was close enough.
Now he truly could die, and be happy, or at least grateful for the sight.

ALL: Oooooooh….Aaaaaaaaaah…

She was completely hair-free, as he had noticed earlier, but she in no way
resembled a child. Her tinkling laugh drew his attention away

BOROMIR: Spraying urine over his face.

and she smiled while she beckoned him to come up even
closer.

CHESTERFIELD: “Come on, honey; it won’t bite…”

He climbed the next step on his knees, unwilling to stand and perhaps fall
again.

JULES (as Conner): Man, hobbit pipeweed really packs a punch.

"Do you want to touch me?" Conner did want to touch her, but he was
not sure how.

BORIS (as Conner): Insert tab A into slot B…

Glawareth joined him on the step that he knelt on,
nearly at eye-level with him, and took his elbow to move his hand forward while
she exhorted him into action.

CHESTERFIELD (director): Lights…camera…action!

"Go ahead, touch her. She wants you to touch her, soldier man."

JULES: “You great big hot hunky soldier man, you…”

There was a steady gentle pressure on his arm

BOROMIR: As it was slowly chewed up by a tiger shark.

and he let her push until his hand, fingers extended,
reached all the way to the soft, pink folds of flesh.

JULES: Hey, like cotton candy or bubble gum!
BOROMIR (gag): You did NOT just say that…


"Be gentle," she said.
"Beautiful," he whispered, as much to himself as to either of them,
while he explored the slippery flesh.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glorchiniel): Whoops…careful there; I just
mopped.


"So...so beautiful."

JULES: “Pussy…dur-hur-hur…”

Glorchiniel appeared to be pleased with his cautious
and careful approach in this instance,

BORIS: Um…no. Considering how many times she’s had sex, most likely she
WASN’T.


as he grew more bold she hissed and
slitted her eyes.

ALL: Meeeeeeeowwww…

"Here is another way to see one," said Glawareth
as she

BORIS: Handed him a magnifying glass.

turned her back to him, braced her hands on the edge
of the pool and lifted her bottom to his view.

JULES (chanting): Rip a big one…rip a big one…

"How does that look?"

BORIS (Oz): "Like warm apple pie, dude."
JULES (Jim): "Apple pie…McDonald’s or homemade?"


"Glorious," he breathed out, when he finally found his voice.

CHESTERFIELD: He’d dropped it back in the deep end of the bath, apparently.

Her heart-shaped bottom

ALL: Awwwwww, how cute!

was as flawless as the marble that the tub was made
out of.

CHESTERFIELD: It was rock-hard, and he cracked his head open on it.

Glawareth turned her head and looked back over her
shoulder at him.

BOROMIR (as Glawareth): What’s your dream, Conner?


"You can touch me too," she told him while parting her legs a bit
farther and arching her back a tad higher.

JULES: Oof…ouch…
BORIS: Sounds like painful power yoga.


He did, and was surprised by her strength when she clamped his hand between her
thighs

ALL: CHOMP!!!

to press it more firmly against herself.

BORIS (as Conner): Uh…you could have just asked me to rub you harder…you’re
kind of cutting off the circulation in my hand here…


After a moment, she began directing his motion, making him massage her to a
certain rhythm. He complied.

JULES: A-one, two, three, four…one, two, three, four…

"Move up closer to me," said Glorchiniel
and when he did so, keeping his hand between Glawareth's
legs,

CHESTERFIELD: Wouldn’t want to draw attention away from THAT.

his hair was grabbed and his face drawn down. "Do
you want to taste me?"

BOROMIR: Oh, Iluvatar, no!
JULES: Jesus; she’s going the whole nine yards with the porn!


He had to remove his hand from between her legs now in order to steady himself
and keep his other hand between her sister's legs.

BORIS: Amazing; ambidextrous hand jobs.
*applause*


He did not even come close to losing his balance this time.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, that’s good to know…

Tentatively at first, he tasted the elleth with the
tip of his tongue

JULES: Tastes like chicken, keep on lickin’;
tastes like trout, get the hell out.


but the fingers wrapped in his hair while pushing him
even closer gave him the courage to lick there deeply and firmly.

JULES: This is starting to sound like a perverted version of a mattress
commercial.


Glorchiniel purred her contentment and congratulated
him on his ability, as untrained as he was,

BORIS (kindergarten teacher): Good job, Billy! You get a sticker!

while shifting and lifting herself slightly from time
to time to change the pressure to suit herself.

JULES: Rumble, rumble, rumble…
BOROMIR: WE CAN’T HOLD OUT MUCH LONGER!


"Kiss me there," she directed him. "Like when you kissed my
mouth."

CHESTERFIELD: “No, like when you kissed my mouth; not like when you kissed my ass!”

And then, "Now blow there, right there, softly."

JULES (singing): Low…low…breathe…and blow…

A muttered string of 'ah's' was his reward for
following her directions.

CHESTERFIELD: What, no cash? No new car?

The elleth beside him, perhaps feeling left out, moved her backside nearer to him, too close for his bent hand to be comfortable and he was forced to remove it.

ALL: Aw, too bad…

Without looking, he could tell that she was repositioning herself on the bath's steps and widening her stance.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth): Now new position: legs crossed, arms
folded, head up…pose!


Now her bottom cheeks bumped at his hip.

JULES (singing): Thumpity thump, thump,
thumpity thump, thump, look at Frosty go…


"Can you think of something else you might like to do, besides just touch me there?"

BORIS: Oh, please; enough with the hints and riddles already; just get on with it!

And without another word being said, Conner shifted slightly more at his hips and was sheathed inside of her.

ALL: Shonk!

And he was not so eager this time as to lose all self-control. He did not have to do any of the work.

CHESTERFIELD (sniff): Lazy bum.

After asking him to stand still, Glawareth was content to move her hips back and forth at her own tempo,

JULES: Allegro maestoso!

careful not to pull off of his length far enough to lose contact. She grabbed his free hand from where it lay across her waist and

BOROMIR: Ripped it off. And then she ate it.

pulled it between her legs in front. "Stroke me like I showed you," she rasped.

JULES (Roman ship commander): Ste-roke, ste-roke, ste-roke…

Although he stood still for her for as long as he could, Conner finally could
not stop himself from thrusting forward

BORIS: Parry, parry, thrust, thrust, good…

each time that Glawareth swayed into him, and her
resultant moans only emboldened him to take more initiative.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth): Ohhh…thrust…ohhh…come on…ohhh…WILL
YOU TAKE SOME BLOODY INITIATIVE, DAMMIT?!


Now he pulled himself from her when she rocked away and thrust his pelvis
forward when she rocked back.

JULES: Boris…
BORIS: Oh, don’t tell me…
BOTH (singing): WE WILL, WE WILL, ROCK YOU! WE WILL, WE WILL, ROCK YOU…!


And all the while he paid proper attention to Glorchiniel until she no longer needed to advise him, except to tell him that he was a fast learner.

BORIS: “You’ve graduated; soon you’ll be able to move on to Level Two: Learning to Please Elves Using Whipped Cream and Hummus…"
JULES: THAT’S ENOUGH.


Both sounded very happy.

CHESTERFIELD and BORIS: Or so they SOUNDED…

But he was most proud of himself after the sisters had reached their own climax before he was through.

JULES: Oh, WOW…
CHESTERFIELD: KABLAMMO!


Glorchiniel collapsed in a dramatic heap,

JULES (Shakespearean actor): To orgasm, or not to orgasm, that is the question.

her sighs of satisfaction signaling that Conner's services were no longer necessary and that he was free to concentrate on her sister.

BORIS: Bwee, bwee, bwee!

With both hands at Glawareth's slender waist, he held her steady and rammed himself into her as deeply as he could,

BOROMIR: Why does this have to sound so much like rape?

while he spent himself in exultantly snorting triumph.

*Everyone makes highly unattractive snorting sounds*

And when he was finished, and his head swam with ecstasy,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, great, Conner’s stoned again.

he was still able to keep his wits about him enough to lower himself to the steps without wobbling.

BORIS (as Conner): Oh, damn, I’m sober; where’s the pipeweed?

Instantly, both ellith were next to him, pulling him back into the deep water again, and

BOROMIR: Drowning him.

taking turns kissing him in gratitude for his splendid performance.

JULES (as ellith): Encore, encore!
BOROMIR : Oh, Eru, you wouldn’t…


"You wicked creatures," said a woman's voice from behind them.

CHESTERFIELD: “You damn dirty dogs, you!”

Although he did not recognize it, the twin sisters gasped in unison, as if they
knew.

JULES: “It’s the Wicked Witch of the West!”
BOROMIR: “It’s Varda!”
CHESTERFIELD: “It’s the Ghost of Christmas Past!”
BORIS: “It’s Zoot!”


They turned slowly to look over their shoulders and he followed their example. The entry gate to the bathing hut was opening, and

CHESTERFIELD: In walked Figwit.

the bright sunshine that flooded into the dim room blinded the three bathers.

BOROMIR (as Arien): Be blind, you fiends!

But the two ellith beside him remained mutely calm while the stranger, haloed by the light, spoke again, "Wicked, wicked creatures."

JULES: Oi vei, I thought it was over.
BOROMIR: I’m going to need a LONG break before the third chapter…poor, poor
elves…
*All exit the theater*
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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BOROMIR: (helplessly): If I knew what that first word was supposed to be…

Chapter 3

CHESTERFIELD: “The Passion of the Virgin Swordsman,” or something just as cheesy.

The bathhouse gate was closed and the brilliant, dazzling sunlight was cut off.

BORIS: MMMMMMFFFF!

The shady interior might as well have been plunged into pitch-black darkness for
Conner's mortal eyes.

BOROMIR: As opposed to his immortal eyes?

But even so, he could still clearly see the stranger who had called them 'wicked',

JULES: Glinda?
BOROMIR: Elrond?


another elf woman,

ALL (disappointed): Oh.

as she set a large, square-shaped cloth-covered bundle

JULES: Hey, she’s brought an ant farm to show Conner!

down on the stool and then drew nearer to the sunken tub's edge.

*Boris scribbles something down on a piece of paper*

For some uncanny reason, she stood out clearly while everything around her
remained in gloom.

CHESTERFIELD: She also had glow-in-the-dark skin.

There seemed to be a glimmering light about her form, an unusual incandescence
that appeared to hover over her body,

BORIS: “Okay, I’ve entered; you can turn the spotlight off up there…hey, did
you hear me?!”


but he assumed that his eyes were playing tricks on him

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Damn, I really need glasses; I can’t put it off any longer.

after the temporary blindness from the gate being opened.

BOROMIR: Hey, we’ve got a magic gate here; every time it’s opened it causes blindness.
JULES: Aw, hell, it’s just like that window in Elrond’s house that causes deafness every time it’s opened.


Conner's eyes swiftly readjusted again to the green-tinged shadowy light inside of the bathing shed and he was sure that this elleth, who stood silently regarding the three of them,

BORIS: Was about to yell at them in the space of two minutes.

was another sister; she looked that much like Glorchiniel and Glawareth.

BOROMIR: Oh, for the love of…
JULES: Jesus Christ! Not again!


She would have been identical, to his eyes, except that her hair was darker and her face more solemn.

CHESTERFIELD: So, in other words, she’s NOT identical?
BORIS: Geez, this is one of the most boring porn fics I have ever read.


Gracefully, she knelt down and stared directly at him, unsmiling, but she did not appear hostile, merely curious.

BOROMIR: “Could someone explain to me WHY the elves have suddenly started whoring, when it’s against all their customs?"

Her eyes were the same as the others', gray and piercing. And inscrutable.

BORIS: Goodness; how could you almost forget “inscrutable”?

"What have they been doing to you, man-child?"

CHESTERFIELD: “Man-child”? So now they’ve jumped into “The Jungle Book”?
JULES: That’d be “man-cub.”
CHESTERFIELD (shrug): Same diff.


Her knowing voice was deeper than the golden-haired sisters'

JULES: It was MANLY!

but reminded him of theirs. "Are they trying to drown you?"

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): No, we’re going water-skiing!
JULES (singing): Take a break at Wyandotte Lake…


"We are giving him a bath," answered Glorchiniel,

BORIS (as Conner): Oh, thanks for spoiling the fun!
JULES: Hey, doesn’t the name “Glorchiniel” sound like the Ballchinians from MIB?


innocently, before Conner could think of anything to say, let alone how to say it.

BOROMIR (as Conner): Oh, good thing; I doubt she would have believed me if I’d said I was sweeping the chimney…

He turned to her and smiled gratefully.

JULES (as Conner): Duh-huh, thanks, derf derf derf!

"After his long journey from the South, he badly needed one," put in
Glawareth,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, THAT’S why you had to have sex with him as well; I gotcha…not.

wrinkling her nose slightly, as if remembering the way he had smelled.

BOROMIR (exasperated): Elves are NEVER that rude!
BORIS: Sluttish elves are, apparently.


"And he was bored," she added.

JULES: Well, I guess a normal lunch and conversation were out of the
question, then.


But the strange elf lady did not act like she heard either one of them

BOROMIR: Oh, well, so much for that keen Elven hearing, then.

as she continued to gaze at Conner, her face expressionless.

CHESTERFIELD: “My sisters decided to make THIS guy their husband? Man, there’s no accounting
for tastes, is there?”


Everything grew silent,

*everyone makes cricket noises*

except for the constant sound of water pouring into the bath

BORIS: So much water, in fact, that the bathhouse flooded and everyone
inside drowned. The end.


and out through the overflow drain. And the longer he stared back into her
eyes, the more he felt drawn within them,

JULES (as Conner): I’m getting sleeeeeeepy…

as if they were portals to all of the wisdom to be found in the world.

BOROMIR: That clichéd description of deep eyes annoys me so.
CHESTERFIELD: EVERY cliché annoys you so, Boromir.


At first, it felt wonderful to enter, as if door after door revealing door
after door

JULES and BORIS: After door after door after door after door…

was opening for him.

JULES: After…damn.
BORIS: I love to love to love to repeat myself!


But then, that sensation changed,

CHESTERFIELD: As the door slammed shut in his face.

and he felt as if he was being pulled involuntarily deeper into her mind

*Jules and Boris make vacuum cleaner sounds*

while being examined, without his being able to stop her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner, Wizard of Oz): Help! I can’t come out; I don’t know how it works!

It was an uncomfortable sensation, almost painful, and he was helpless to resist.

BORIS: How much do you wanna bet he also feels like he’s being rewarded?

And then she smiled.

BOROMIR (deadpan): And she had spinach in her teeth.

It was such a warm and forgiving smile that he felt instantly relieved, as if
he had passed some crucial test.

JULES (elementary-school teacher): You read that book all by yourself! You
get a brand-new pencil!


The spell-like trance was broken.

BOROMIR: Crash!

"Do you feel cleansed?" she asked.
Still speechless, Conner nodded dully.

ALL: DUUUUUUUUDE…

He had been unnerved by her stare and reeled a little from it.

CHESTERFIELD: Whoa; pipeweed.

But then he remembered his manners, and, after lifting his arms up to the
surface of the water and

CHESTERFIELD: Ripping off both his elbows…
JULES: Since when is it good manners to show off your armpit-hair?


turning them with his hands palm upward to show her, he answered.

BOROMIR (as Conner): See? Nothing in my hands. I’m unarmed.

"Yes, m'lady, I have never felt so clean."

BORIS: Yeah, hot monkey sex’ll do that to ya.

The rest of him below his chest was too deep for her inspection.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner’s lower body): From the main philosophical interpretations of the
universe, we can conclude…
JULES (as Conner’s lower body): If we logically assume that what the elleth
says is false, then we may deduce…


He was not sure if he wanted her to ask to see more, or not.

BOROMIR: Oh, Conner, please; she probably just ate.

On either side of him, the sisters tittered slightly at his reply

JULES (as sisters): Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee! Conner FEELS CLEAN AFTER HAVING
SEX; that’s so funny…!


while they ran their hands over the surface of his exposed forearms, and then
up over his arms to his shoulders and back down.

ALL (singing): Up and down and up and down and up and down…

The touch of their fingers would have been thrilling, if

BORIS: They hadn’t drawn all over him with Magic Marker.
CHESTERFIELD: Conner hadn’t just HAD SEX.


the mysterious stranger had not been watching them. At first, he was glad that this dark elf-lady with the penetrating stare had asked him an easy question, until he thought about it.

BORIS (as Conner): Wait; does she mean cleaned in a HYPOTHETICAL sense; is
there a trick question…what is two plus two?


What had she meant by cleansed? Had she just performed some kind of elvish sorcery on him with her strange gaze?

JULES: Well, we don’t know, but it had something—a LOT—to do with doors.

Her warm and friendly smile, however, reassured him,

CHESTERFIELD: Though it was concealing poisoned daggers.

as did her gentle voice when she spoke.

BOROMIR: “Do you mind if I kill you?”

"There is very little in life that can not be made better by a hot bath.

BORIS: Except, oh, let’s say bad fanfiction.

Are you hungry, man-child?"

CHESTERFIELD: “Then all you gotta do is… (singing)…look for the bare necessities…”

She looked at the sisters beside him, whose golden strands of hair floated around all three of them in the water like gilded seaweed,

JULES (singing): De seaweed is always greenuh, in somebody else’s lake…you
dream about goin’ up dere, but dat is a big mistake…


and asked them, "Have you fed him or have you both been too busy satisfying your own appetites to give consideration to our guest's other mortal needs?"

JULES (whistle): Oh, LORDY…
BOROMIR: BURN!


Only the merest twitching motions at the corner of the stranger's lips

BORIS: Gah! She’s about to puke!
CHESTERFIELD: She’s got a chipmunk hidden in there!


indicated that she was both well aware of the activities that had taken place in the bath

BOROMIR: So why isn’t she vomiting, or at least urging the two sisters to go home with their new husband?
JULES: Man, those ellith must have spoken to Eru himself to get out of the whole “physical union equals marriage for elves” law he laid down.


and, perhaps, amused.

*All facefault*

Without waiting for an answer, she rose and retrieved the cloth-covered bundle from the stool and carried it to the edge of the bath.

JULES: “Wanna buy some of my tin pots and pans?”

"And are either of you going to remember your manners and introduce me to your friend?"

BORIS (as Conner): Hey, stop talking about me like I’m not here! I’m pretty
gosh darn wise and elfishy too, ya know!


As she asked, she removed the loose covering to reveal a shallow wooden tray laden with marvelous looking foods that emitted a savory aroma and there was a bulging wineskin in the center, too.

*applause*
JULES: And…TWO COMMAS in a very long run-on sentence! You win the grand prize!


He had not realized how hungry and thirsty he was and felt suddenly ravenous at the sight.

CHESTERFIELD: So this is a cross between a porn show and a cooking show.
BORIS: “Welcome to ‘Cooking with Sluttish Elves’”…


"This is Conner, naneth," said Glorchiniel.

JULES: “Naneth”?! Is this a joke?!
BOROMIR: Oh. My. Iluvatar.


"He says that he is the son of one called Hedrik."

CHESTERFIELD: How are there Vikings in Gondor all of a sudden?

"Conner," said Glawareth, "this is our mother. Her name is
Miriel."

JULES: Oh, poor, poor Tolkien…
BOROMIR: And they named her after Feanor’s mother!
BORIS: Wow. Just…wow.


Without thinking, he shook his head in denial and even laughed at the thought,

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, our reactions exactly.

until he realized that she was serious. For a moment, he was bewildered.

BORIS: “For a moment”? You mean he was actually more bewildered than he
usually is?


This beautiful elf woman was not another sister? She was their mother?

JULES: She just SAID THAT, didn’t she?!

And was her name Naneth or Miriel?

CHESTERFIELD (yawn): Neither; turned out her name was Beth.

In the end, his training saved him

BORIS: He remembered how to use the potty.

and he was able to stammer out a garbled offer to be of service

*everyone makes gurgling sounds*

and a declaration of honor to meet her.

JULES (as Conner): “And I mutually pledge to you my life, my fortunes, and
my sacred honor.”


But the ageless beauty did not appear to take much notice of the clumsiness of
his reply.

BORIS: For she’d been drinking too much miruvor before she arrived.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Conner," she said and then she
beckoned for the three of them to leave the bath to join her.

JULES (sickened): Urgh…does that mean what I think it means?
BOROMIR (shudder): Not now, but it probably will later.


Reluctantly, Conner followed Glorchiniel and Glawareth as they moved to the
steps,

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth): C’mon, Conner; the Macarena’s not that hard to do! Just follow
the steps!


but he was relieved when they paused first to retrieve

JULES: Themselves and the other elves from canon-rape?
BORIS: Sadly, I don’t think so.


large drying towels from the back of the shelf where the soaps and washcloths were stored.

ALL: Voila! Presto!

At least he would not have to drip while eating lunch.

CHESTERFIELD: Considering that he’s such a drip himself, that IS a good thing. A drip dripping is really pretty drippy.
OTHERS: Huh?!


"Dry him off well, dear daughters," ordered Miriel,

BOROMIR: “Since he’s so stupid that he’s incapable of drying HIMSELF off.”

although her tone did not indicate that she considered it a chore.

BORIS: “You’re so spoiled and ungrateful; when I was young, I had to dry off
dwarves when they finished bathing! So you be lucky it’s a man you get to dry
off!"


"We do not want him to catch a chill while a guest here, do we?"

JULES: What the…
BOROMIR: I think we’ll just skip over that; I can’t understand it either.


For a fleeting moment, even though he was hungry, Conner almost resented the
interruption for a meal.

BORIS: He’d been planning all along to go to that new coffee shop Elrond had
just added on to his house.


He was just getting used to being alone, and naked, and in hot water, with
these lovely women,

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, here are all the commas missing from that one sentence about the food!

and now he realized that he would probably have to dress again. In all of those layers.

JULES (as Conner): When I get back to Gondor, I’m joining a nudist colony!

Even worse, the twin sisters would probably put their dresses back on, too.

JULES (exasperated): Look, Conner, if you wanna see female nakedness 24/7, go visit a whorehouse!
BORIS: Well, in a way, he DID…


He tried not to stare at their breasts, and other parts,

CHESTERFIELD: Including their ears...
BOROMIR: And noses…
BORIS: And elbows…
JULES: Conner needs a subscription to “Playboy”.


as they diligently toweled him off from head to toe,

CHESTERFIELD (as Glorchiniel): Okay, that’s one finger done…damn, I missed a spot!

but it was hard not to notice and it was probably his last chance.

BOROMIR: This is sadder than watching men die in battle.
BORIS: Sadder than *I* was when Sauron died.


The towels were made of a fluffy absorbent fabric, as soft as lambs-wool on his bare skin,

CHESTERFIELD: Ah, nice and itchy!

and he soon forgot his bitter feelings as he was patted and rubbed all over
with them.

JULES: Say, Boromir, the next time I’m feeling bitter, like right after this
fic, could you strip me naked and rub me down with a towel? It seems to help.
BOROMIR: NO.


Finally, the sisters were done, but instead of letting him dress,

BORIS: They made him dance the Charleston and took a picture of it, to show to Elrond as a joke later on.

they wrapped a dry towel around his waist, and cleverly fixed it in place so
that it would not slip off.

BOROMIR: Oh, really, I was interested in knowing that. Now, how about telling us what color the towels were, and how exactly they were fixed in place…good Eru, TOO MUCH DESCRIPTION!

Their vigorous rub-down had been arousing and he was glad for the covering.

JULES: Is anything NOT arousing for Conner?
BOROMIR: Well, apparently I’m not…


They wrapped towels around their own waists, too, but otherwise did not cover
themselves before they joined their mother.

BORIS: That sentence is just wrong on so many levels.

They knelt down by the makeshift tablecloth and left room for him between them.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, damn!
JULES: Woo-hoo, plot development!


Everyone acted as if there was nothing abnormal in being clad only from the
waist down.

JULES: “Today we’re going to pretend we’re in the Garden of Eden.”

But Conner felt nearly naked under the calm regard of the elf-lady, Miriel.

CHESTERFIELD: Uh, yeah, because he WAS nearly naked, HMMMM?

In truth, she did not look motherly at all, or even older than his Captain,

BOROMIR (sigh): Conner, learn some basic facts about the elves: THEY DON’T AGE.

but he was still uncomfortably aware of her status.

ALL: WHAT status?!

The twin ellith had hair long enough to act as a curtain over their nakedness,

CHESTERFIELD: “Either these hair curtains go or I go!”

and their legs were smooth and slender. Between them, out of the buoyant water,
he felt clumsy again,

BORIS (as Conner): Oh, bloody, I just tripped over the towel…oh, ouch; now I
tripped over my toes…


and he could not easily fold his thick legs to kneel like they could.

BOROMIR (as Conner): Oof…rheumatism.

He had to sit with his knees bent up before him, which made it hard for him to
remain modestly covered.

CHESTERFIELD: Er, sorry…I don’t see the connection…

"Conner seems a sturdy name," Miriel said, after she had spread the
picnic out on the cloth.

JULES: “It’s not Quenya or Sindarin…where on Arda does it come from?”

"And I believe it has been more than a dozen long years since I have last
seen a Gondorian's chest hair."

BOROMIR: Oh, come now; that just sounds repulsive!
CHESTERFIELD: I had the impression that elves were much more dignified than this.


"It is nice to look at, is it not?"

BORIS: Well, yeah, compared to Gollum in a thong!
JULES (scowl): Thank you, Boris. I’ll never eat again.


Glawareth moved closer to him and patted the smooth chevron of sandy curls that
grew on his chest.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth): Hey, there, little fella.

"And nicer to touch than I thought it would feel."

BORIS: “See, there was, like, this rumor in Rivendell, that, like, y’know,
men from Gondor had hair on their chests, so, like, I automatically, like,
pictured it to feel like porcupine quills…”


The wine was poured into bowls, and Conner was surprised at how delicious it tasted

BOROMIR (as Conner): Well, that disproves the rumor back home about the elves being horrible winemakers.

compared to the bitterly sour vintage he was used to at home. He tried not to gulp it.

ALL: GLUG!

"I like his legs," said Glorchiniel,

JULES: “With extra barbecue sauce!”

offering Conner some pieces of fruit and cheese on a napkin as she contemplated his lower limbs.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glorchiniel): Once I get that disgusting hair off, I can marinate them in a red wine sauce, and they’ll go great with this fruit and cheese…oh, man; I’m getting hungry.

"He is like a Beorning."

BOROMIR: So he has the ability to change into a bear? Why are we just
learning about this now?


When she shifted around, her hair did too, and he could catch glimpses of the
skin beneath its golden veil and could just discern the curve of her breast.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Oooooooh…woo-hoo; boobs!
*Jules and Boris laugh like Beavis and Butt-head*


"He is nothing like a Beorning," replied Glawareth, offended.

JULES (as Glawareth): Are you suggesting this is going to turn into a bestiality
fic?! I’m not that kind of elleth!


Conner had no idea what a Beorning was, but he had not felt terribly insulted
by the term,

BORIS: Well, if he didn’t know what it was, wouldn’t that be OBVIOUS?

although he did feel suddenly self conscious about the hair on his legs, which
he had never noticed much before today.

JULES: Conner, you do realize, don’t you, that you’re comparing your body to
a woman’s body?
CHESTERFIELD: What, is he gonna start feeling ashamed because he doesn’t have breasts?


"Beornings are like bears even when in their own skins," she added
with a slight twinge of disgust in her voice.

BOROMIR (as Glawareth): NO BESTIALITY ALLOWED IN THE BATHHOUSE!

"You are right," her sister said. "I am sorry, Conner, you are
nothing like a bear, you are more like a..."

JULES: Bison!
BORIS: Oliphaunt!
CHESTERFIELD: Orangutan!
BOROMIR: Troll!
JULES (exasperated): You ALWAYS win these things, Boromir!


She cocked her head, in the same way she had done when he had first seen her in
the library, while she thought about it.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glorchiniel): He’s got food stuck in his teeth again.

"A stag!" Glorchiniel announced first.

JULES (as Glawareth): Nah, that can’t be right; he’s only got one horn.
BOROMIR: Jules…


"No, not a stag, a stag is too wild," her sister protested.
"More like...

JULES: “A rhinoceros.”
CHESTERFIELD (as Glorchiniel): No, that’s even wilder than a stag, and MUCH too exotic…
JULES (as Glawareth): Well, a rhinoceros in a zoo, then! What’s the difference?


a stallion."

BOROMIR: Oh, for Eru’s sake; what a stupid conversation!
JULES: You only JUST noticed this, Boromir?


"A stallion? With these thick muscular thighs and sturdy calves?"

BORIS (as Glawareth): Fine; a stallion on steroids!

Glorchiniel stroked those parts of his leg as she referred to them, sending
goose bumps up to his hairline.

JULES (singing): Ice, ice, baby…

"Maybe a boar?"

BOROMIR: How about a BORE?
CHESTERFIELD (groan): Oh, Boromir, that was really bad!


And while the twin's bantered good-naturedly about what type of furred animal
Conner most closely resembled,

BOROMIR: An army of orcs showed up at the house of Elrond…not that anyone
noticed or cared.


he felt more and more proud of his bulky physique, and less clumsy.

JULES (singing): Macho, macho man…I wanna be a macho man…

The wine flowed freely, the delicious food appeased his hunger, and

CHESTERFIELD: The polar ice caps melted.
BORIS: The pot roast burned.


, for the first time since he had arrived, he felt almost at home.

JULES (snicker): “Almost”; God, I love that word...

But he still felt underdressed as long as their mother had her gown on

BOROMIR: As he should!

and he wondered about that rule he had been advised of earlier,

BORIS: Er…what?
JULES: Don’t ask…


the one about how it was considered rude to remain clothed in the bath house.

JULES (scowl): THAT one.

Maybe it only counted if actual bathing was taking place?

CHESTERFIELD: Conner, sheesh, stop thinking before you hurt yourself!

He decided that it did not matter because he would never mention it out loud.

BORIS: Oh, great; it must have taken him a REAL long time to make THAT
decision.


However, as soon as he thought it, Miriel turned to him and this time her
bright eyes shone with amusement.

CHESTERFIELD (as Miriel): Pardon me, but do you need to go outside and relieve yourself?

"Where are my own manners to remain dressed?" To Conner's amazement,
and delight, she stood and removed her gown.

JULES: Oh, Lord, the coup de grace: the incest and lesbianism kicks in.

The sisters clapped as she stood unashamed before them all.

BORIS: “Go, Momma, go!”

Her figure was as slender and youthful as her daughters',

CHESTERFIELD: Well, Saruman forbid we read a porn fic with a wrinkled old lady in it.

and her skin had the same smooth marble-like texture.

JULES: Conner smashed his head open on it.

And only after Conner got over the initial shock of her undressing did he wonder if the elf woman had just read his mind.

BOROMIR: No, she probably read your CROTCH. Can’t you at least TRY to
control yourself better?


It gave him an all-over chill to consider it, but his face felt as if it was burning at the same time.

JULES: Unknowingly, he had just come down with the flu.

He had been warned, many times, that the elves had unnatural ways about them,

BOROMIR: Unnatural even for the ELVES, it sounds like.

and to be always on guard in word, deed, and thought.

BORIS: Yeah, how ‘bout physical reactions while we’re at it?

At least he had not given away any military secrets.

CHESTERFIELD (laughing): Sorry…you just had sex with elves, the most conservative creatures in Arda, an elleth named after Feanor’s mother is naked in front of you…and you’re thinking about MILITARY SECRETS?

Miriel's voice brought him back to the present.

JULES (as Miriel): Conner! I asked you to go outside before I undressed, you
pervert!


"And now you three are all overdressed."

BORIS: Oh, what is this?!
JULES: Wouldn’t the ellith be ASHAMED to see their mother standing there naked?


The sisters took the hint, stood, and swiftly lost their towels,

BOROMIR: Which were never to be seen again.

but Conner was not so quick to remove his, not until he had willed his overly
eager male parts to calm down.

BORIS (as Conner): Down, boy, down.

It was easier to control his urges now,

BOROMIR (snort): Yes, in that it took about a minute for him to have an
erection as opposed to thirty seconds.


after having spent himself so thoroughly within the willing Glawareth, for
which he would always be grateful,

CHESTERFIELD: “Grateful”?
JULES: Eh, probably could have used a better word…


but the sight of the naked ellith again was a surprise that caught him off
guard.

ALL (as ellith): SURPRISE!!

And to think that he was sure that he had taken his last glimpses of them while
they were drying him off,

JULES (overly-cheerful): Oh, I KNOW! Isn’t it great that he hadn’t? Isn’t it
funny how things work out? Tee-hee-hee!


not that he was sorry for the peeking.

BORIS: Wow; he goes from shy, modest prude to lascivious voyeur after just
two orgasms.


After a few deep breaths, Conner finally felt settled down enough to reveal his
private parts,

BOROMIR: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you have all been waiting
for…the amazing Conner shall reveal his genitalia!


and he stood to drop his towel as casually as the ellith had done.

CHESTERFIELD (as elves): Ahh! Oh, Iluvatar, cover yourself!

It was hard not to feel shy in front of the mother of his bathing partners,

JULES: Ah, but apparently it’s okay to ogle her daughters in front of her,
eh?


but he was trying to go along with the customs of these captivating creatures
while a visitor in their enchanted valley.

BOROMIR: I’m not saying anything…I’m NOT saying anything…

He could not remember ever being completely naked in front of any woman,
including his own mother, even as a child.

BORIS: Well, could the fact that you were a BABY then have something to do
with it?


"A clean body is healthy, and to keep the body in good health is a
soldierly duty, Conner," Miriel explained.

JULES: Oh, good grief; now we’re stuck reading the script for “Body Care and
Grooming”!
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah; the previously-unreleased X-rated version.


"Otherwise you shall not be able to keep your mind strong and clear.

BORIS (confused): Strong and clear? You mean it’s a good idea to keep your
mind like vinegar?


And it is only with a clear mind that you can ever be of proper service to
those who most depend on you.

CHESTERFIELD and JULES (Joan): Oh, God, I wish I had that pretty mind
back!


Do you agree?"

BOROMIR: “Well, do you?! DO YOU?!"

With a few subtle gestures, she managed to silently direct her daughters to
spread their towels on the floor.

BORIS: She tugged her left ear and hopped up and down on one foot to do so.

"I... yes, I agree." Conner thought he did, anyway,

JULES: Of course, he also thought that three times four equaled ten, and that the stars were stuck to the skies with little pieces of Scotch tape, but we’ll not go there.
CHESTERFIELD: Jules, you get more and more obscure as this goes on.


although he truly was not that convinced that a clean body was a soldierly
duty,

JULES: Well, maybe if you’re a soldier under Captain Clean…

but it would do no good to disagree.

BORIS: Yeah; if he did, the elves might give him another bath or something.

There was one rule he had been taught to fall back on if all else failed,

BOROMIR: “Do unto others as they would do unto you.”
CHESTERFIELD: “Brush and floss your teeth twice a day.”
JULES: “You can learn a lot from a dummy; buckle your safety belt.”
BORIS: “Only you can prevent forest fires.”


'While amongst strangers, one must avoid insulting anyone by accident.'

CHESTERFIELD: Rule of etiquette by Miss Frame’s Manners Class for Preschoolers.

But what if even thinking such thoughts of disagreement was the same as saying
them out loud?

JULES: Oh, for God’s sake!
BORIS: He thinks Big Brother is watching him or something!


As if in answer, Miriel laughed, a low throaty chuckling.

BORIS (as Miriel): Ha, ha, ha…Eru, I love “King of the Hill”!

"To be an agreeable guest one need only enjoy oneself," she said,

CHESTERFIELD: What?!
BOROMIR: Oh, please! Not in public!


and this time he was not that bothered by his mind being read.

*Jules and Boromir clutch their foreheads*

"Now do be a good guest and lie down there," she gestured to the
spread towels,

JULES: “And get a nice doggie treat.”

"and rest, you must be weary." Glawareth sat on the towels, too, and
she beckoned for Conner to put his head on her lap.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glawareth): Hee, hee…watch me subtly lure Conner into pleasuring me again!

Glad to obey, Conner stretched out and stayed still while Glawareth gently ran
her fingers through his hair.

JULES (as Conner): Help…twisted…muscles…can’t…move…

Glorchiniel sat beside her sister and hummed a soothing
melody.

*everyone hums elevator music*

It was a very relaxing position, after his bath and meal, and he felt a bit
drowsy.

JULES (as Conner): Ah, boring fanfics…best aid for sleep I know…

He was a little regretful that they were not all taking better advantage of
being naked,

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, they weren’t even going out and streaking!

now that he was feeling much less self-conscious, and he was worried that he might fall asleep.

BORIS (as Conner): I HAVE to stay awake…what if the ellith change position and I can look at their boobs from a different angle? I CAN’T miss that!

Miriel knelt beside him, close enough that her bent knees brushed against his side, and spoke wisely,

CHESTERFIELD (as Buddhist!Miriel): Spend time meditating every day, Conner, and try to solve
the riddle of existence. Follow the Eightfold Path to reach Nirvana.


"Do not spoil your peace of mind by desiring for more pleasure,

JULES: That’s an overly-polite way of saying, of course, “Get your goddamn
filthy mind outta the gutter!”


but remember that what you have experienced here is among the things that most
men in Middle-earth can only dream about."

BOROMIR: And will CONTINUE to only dream about. I shall say it plainly for
you, author: WHEN ELVES HAVE SEX, THEY ARE CONSIDERED MARRIED. End of story.
JULES: Oh, she knows, but she doesn’t care. Remember her disclaimer?


"I will never forget," he vowed seriously, feeling somewhat chastened
by her words.

BORIS: Her words made him lose his erection?

"And I think that the time has come for me to make a careful inspection of
my daughters' handiwork, Conner,"

BOROMIR (as Miriel): Now, girls, go bring me your samplers and knitting and
your pine-cone-gluing craft projects.


Miriel said and her eyes had an odd gleam.

BORIS (as Miriel): I LOVE CRAFT SHOWS!

Conner's heart pounded as the absurd image of a predator about to devour its
prey came unbidden into his mind.

JULES: Whoa; these elves ARE cannibals!
BORIS: Geez; that’s weird!


However, if she was going to pounce on him, then, unless she displayed actual
fangs and talons, he was willing to let her.

BOROMIR: Er…what if she displays a sword or a spear?

"Yes... yes, m'lady," he stammered,

CHESTERFIELD (Sir Galahad): “Well, I could stay a BIT longer…”

although he was not sure if her remark required a response for she had said it
as a matter of fact.

BOROMIR: Conner, you’re thinking too much.

"I want to see how clean you really are."

JULES (as Miriel): If you’re not, we’ll have to vacuum and dust you. Keep
your fingers crossed.


Disappointingly, Miriel did not pounce.

CHESTERFIELD: Aw, damn; I was hoping she would have stabbed this guy by now.


Instead, using one hand, she gently traced her fingers over his face, neck, and
shoulders.

BORIS: Sweeping up endless trails of Cheetos dust.

Down each arm she continued to his hands, which she examined one by one before
placing them at his sides.

JULES (“A Date with your Family” narrator): Yes, mother; Junior remembered
to clean up.


She seemed pleased to note how healthy his skin was, for a human,

BOROMIR (as Miriel): No syphilis sores, no measles, no acne…I was under the
impression that humans were repulsive, sickly beasts, though considering that
Elrond is partly human, you’d think I would have had better judgment.


and congratulated her daughters for doing a good job at revealing it.

CHESTERFIELD: So, why doesn’t she compliment HIM on his healthy skin?!
BORIS: Geez; you’d think Conner was completely helpless!


Being this near to her nude form made it hard to concentrate on her words,

BOROMIR: All right; just how old is Conner supposed to be, anyway? He acts
as if he’s twelve.
JULES: And people WONDER why male virgins over twenty get laughed at?


or maybe he felt befuddled because she was close enough for him to detect the
fragrance of what must have been perfume,

BORIS: Only it was actually Windex.

or was it her natural scent?

CHESTERFIELD: Whoa, Conner, look out; Miriel’s marking her territory!

He regretted that she had not joined them earlier.

JULES: Conner, please; think of her poor daughters. They would have been
mentally—and probably physically—scarred for life!


Then she shifted her touch even lower, over his stomach and below his navel,

BOROMIR: To his GROIN?!
BORIS: Just say it, for crying out loud!


and Conner prayed that he would not embarrass himself by visibly becoming
aroused,

CHESTERFIELD: Again?!
JULES: It can’t be healthy for a grown man to have as many erections per day as
Conner has.


but he hoped that, if he did, she would keep going with her inspection.

ALL: MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

Involuntarily, he squirmed slightly when her fingers glided firmly over his
groin

BORIS: Tickle-tickle.

and then swerved at the last moment to travel slowly down the outside of his
hip.

JULES: NEEEEyyooOOOOOM…

"Relax, Conner," Glawareth said to him and then, to Miriel, "I
think he is ticklish, naneth."

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Glawareth, get a clue; I’m feeling violated here!

And now Conner understood that 'naneth' was their word for mother.

BOROMIR (as Conner): Eureka!
BORIS (as Conner): I bet I’m the first man to have a mental breakthrough while someone’s giving me a hand job!


"A mortal's skin is more sensitive to the touch than yours or mine is, and
their nerve endings more excitable."

BORIS: Wow; so apparently elves have reptilian skin or something.
JULES: Well, it IS hard as marble in this fic.


To demonstrate, Miriel stroked a fingertip over the sole of his foot

BOROMIR (as Miriel): Oh, urgh; I had forgotten how smelly this part of the
mortal body is…


and, though he fought to remain still, his toes wiggled. The twin ellith
giggled.

JULES (baby-talk): Gitchy-gitchy-goo!

"Mortals are very fun to play with," said Glorchiniel.

BORIS: “They’re the best Monopoly players in Middle-Earth!”

"He is certainly clean everywhere that I can see," announced Miriel

CHESTERFIELD: “So it’s okay for him to go snorkeling in the Disney World Shark Reef now.”

as she moved her hand from his foot over to his ankle and then up to his knee
before withdrawing it.

JULES (singing): Foot, ankle, knees and toes…knees and toes…

Conner was momentarily crestfallen that she was finished.

BORIS (as Conner): Man, I wish military inspections were so much fun!

"Maer," she declared, proudly.

*Jules whinnies like a horse*
BOROMIR: No, Jules, that’s Sindarin; she’s not talking about a horse.


Her daughters murmured back replies in their own language, too,

BORIS: Well, at least she’s not writing fake Elvish and trying to pass it off
as real.


but he could guess that they were saying 'thank you'.

JULES: But they were actually saying, “I can’t believe we just had sex with
such a pathetic wuss!”


"However, there is one last place to examine," she added, "an
area which is presently partially hidden from my view."

CHESTERFIELD (as Miriel): I’m going to look up your nose, now, Conner.

Up until that time, Conner had held his legs close to each other.

BOROMIR (as Conner): I’m NOT trying to hide my private parts! I’m NOT!

He felt slightly dizzy when her smooth small hand slipped between his thighs
and nudged them apart,

BORIS (as Miriel): C’mon, move it…c’mon, I’m not gonna hurt you…

and he watched as she bent to have a closer look between them

JULES (nature documentary): The human male virgin’s penis is more excitable than the average human male’s, and, therefore, one must be careful not to put one’s face between this male’s legs during mating season…

before her hair spilled over his abdomen, and her face, like a curtain, obscuring
his view.

*everyone claps*
BORIS: Bravo, bravo!


"Ah, I had forgotten the singular aroma of mortal male flesh."

JULES: “Oh, Eru, bring me a pair of nose-clips!”

He could feel her breath on his most private parts as she handled him there.

CHESTERFIELD: There’s that mole on his ass cheek again.

Kindly, she drew her screening hair away from her face and cast a glance at
him.

BOROMIR (as Miriel): Conner, how can I put this kindly to you? It’s
quite…small.


"There is only one sure way to tell if this area is clean."

CHESTERFIELD: A litmus test?
BORIS: A magnifying glass?


As Conner watched, enthralled, her delicate pink tongue darted out

BOROMIR: Oh, Miriel, the Elven-frog.

to taste him there with soft, swift licks.

JULES: Oh, GOOD GRIEF!
BORIS: These are supposed to be elves?!
BOROMIR (disgustedly): I hope none of the elves still in Middle-earth is
reading this!


She went even lower and tasted the soft parts below for a time

CHESTERFIELD (as Miriel): Tastes like BACON!

before returning to the weeping tip,

JULES: Oh, man; the fic’s such an insult to canon that even Conner’s penis is weeping!

which she teased daintily.

CHESTERFIELD: She stuck her tongue out at it, pulled its hair, and ran across the playground laughing.
BOROMIR: Daintily.


But after she took him all the way into her mouth, he found it much harder to
focus.

JULES (as Conner): So, what was I thinking about…mmmf…aah…

There was something about the way her exquisitely shaped lips stretched

*Chesterfield starts to make stretching sounds*
BOROMIR: I think we already used that one.
CHESTERFIELD: Damn!


as they moved on his rigid flesh that made him moan while his head fell back onto Glawareth's lap. He could feel her tongue moving, suckling him, and he groaned in ecstasy.

JULES (singing): You can be as loud as the hell you want…when you’re makin’
love…slap it and lick it and rub it and suck it…!


But then she stopped; the intimate inspection was over, and much too soon for
Conner.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Aw, man; I was on a roll; three orgasms in two hours would have
been a record for me!


When Miriel sat back up straight, it was all he could do to stop himself from
pleading for her to continue.

JULES: What a pussy-whipped wimp!
BOROMIR: How he ever got to be a soldier is beyond me.


"Overall, you have made a satisfactory effort, daughters."

BORIS: “But he needs some extra polish to give him that extra-bright,
special human-male shine.”


Her voice was cool and emotionless, as if she was completely unaware of
Conner's throbbing distress.

CHESTERFIELD: It’s called “sexual teasing”, Conner.

"And an excellent performance at polishing his... worthy equipment."

JULES: Okay, that’s an even weirder euphemism than “manly distress”.

She looked down and smiled into his eyes, but he did not see an ounce of pity
within hers. His loins ached.

BORIS (as Miriel): Now, let that teach you not to gape at every naked elleth
you see! Ha!


"It is a worthy sword," agreed Glawareth.

CHESTERFIELD: Long sword or scimitar?
BOROMIR: Do we even WANT to know?


"You mean he is a worthy stallion," said Glorchiniel,

BORIS: “On steroids!”

who took advantage of Miriel's careful preparations,

ALL: Wait…huh?

and, before Conner could even brace himself, pounced on him, straddling his
thighs.

JULES (as Conner): OW! Those were my balls, you inconsiderate bitch!

"Be still, my gentle steed," she told him, "while I seat
myself."

CHESTERFIELD (as Glorchiniel): Hey, this is a Western saddle; I only ride English!

Conner had not the least desire to delay or discourage her,

BORIS: WHY AM I NOT GODDAMN SURPRISED?!

and he remained as still as stone, holding his breath, while she guided him
within her.

BOROMIR (as Glorchiniel): Now, in you go…that’s it…whoops; don’t run into
the wall…


Never in his life had he felt such an enormous wave of gratitude.

BORIS: It swept him out to sea, and he was never seen again.

After she was completely filled, she sat still on him, and guided his hands to
touch her body.

CHESTERFIELD (as Glorchiniel): See these things, Conner? These are called BREASTS. They’re
things that men like to touch.


For the third and last time that day, as he stroked her velvety skin,

JULES (as Conner): It’s so soft and SQUISHY!

he was ready to die from pleasure, if that was the elliths' ultimate aim, which
he had decided it was.

BOROMIR: Murder by excessive sex.
BORIS: Who’d have thought?
JULES: Run for your life, Conner!


Now this was a view he had never had yet,

CHESTERFIELD: It looked out on the entire valley of Rivendell, a sweeping panorama.

and when she began to move again, he let go of her breasts in order to watch them bounce,

JULES: Boi-oi-oing!

and then he was mesmerized by the sight between her legs

BORIS: Her labia on his penis looked quite a bit like Crazy Horse.
JULES: What the…?!


while she lifted and lowered herself on him.

*everyone makes the creaking noises of pulleys*

Before long, she was moving too swiftly for him to appreciate the finer details of the operation,

BOROMIR: Since when is sex like surgery?

and finally he bucked his hips upwards to meet her while he climaxed
explosively,

*Jules and Boris make sounds like hand grenades blowing up*

not caring if it was too soon or who was watching or if it would kill him.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah; and just how many people do you think worry about
being killed or laughed at while they’re having an orgasm?

----
When Conner awoke, he thought he had heard someone saying his name.

BOROMIR (as Elrond): Conner, what have you done to the elves of this
valley?!


He sat up straight and instinctively grabbed for his sword.

JULES: Oh, YUCK…
BORIS: No, no; this time, it’s the actual sword.
JULES: Oh.


Instantly he was on his feet, staring around in wonder, and completely
disoriented.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): Argh…what time is it? What day is it?

Not only was he outside of the bath house, but he was dressed, too.

JULES (relieved): Oh, God; so the whole experience with the ellith was a
dream!
BOROMIR: PHEW!


How did that happen? And where were the ellith?

BORIS: They went off to kill themselves because they suddenly remembered
that you were their husband now.


He had been napping against the bowl-shaped shed, and it was a mystery to him
how he had come to be there.

JULES (announcer): The fanfic that dares to ask the question…what the hell
was Conner doing outside the shed?!


"There you are," said a voice familiar to Conner, and he whirled to
greet his Captain.

BOROMIR: “Conner, where were you when I needed you? There was a Mary Sue at
the Council who insulted me and then tried to climb into my lap.”


How long had he been asleep? Boromir did not look happy, but neither did he
seem angry.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, he was probably just relieved to get away from YOU for at
least an hour.


If anything, he appeared thoughtful.

JULES (as Boromir): Let’s see; to fire Conner or not to fire Conner; what a
difficult question…


"Sir, I did not hear you, have you been calling for me?"

BOROMIR: “Yes, you dolt! Now, where were you?!”

"No, I have just now come to find you."

BOROMIR: Oh.

His Captain glanced back over his shoulder at the large house and was silent
for a moment before continuing.

BORIS (as Boromir): Man, isn’t Elrond’s house nice? So, anyway, where was I?


"The council is over," he said, a bit grimly.

JULES: “Best four hours without you I ever spent in my life!”

"There is to be dinner served and you are allowed to attend with me."

ALL: “UNFORTUNATELY…”

Boromir seemed to notice Conner at last, and his attitude changed from
distracted to interest as his eyes swept over him from top to bottom.

JULES: Hey, you’re checkin’ him out, Boromir!
BORIS: And here comes the slash…
*Boromir stares with his mouth open in shock*


"You do not seem the worse for wear," he said with a wide smile.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): I KNOW!
JULES (as Conner, seductively): Like what you see, Boromir?


"Have you had a bath?"
Hesitating, Conner considered his answer, and his position, and his rank,

BORIS: Oh, not again!
JULES: Does it ALWAYS take Conner a half hour to answer a simple question?!
CHESTERFIELD: You know, I’m surprised he hasn’t driven Boromir insane by now.


and the amount of questions he would have to answer added to the amount of
teasing he would probably endure, and decided to say no.

BOROMIR (as Conner): No, the only reason I’m so clean is because I fell in a
washtub…really.


But, before he could reply, his Captain broke into his thoughts.

BOROMIR: “Look, I just ASKED you a simple question! We don’t bloody have all
day!”


"No matter, young squire," said Boromir. "However it was that
you spent your day is your own affair,

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): DAMN RIGHT…oh, shit; I think I gave myself away…

although at your age I would have used the opportunity to chase elf-skirts
around inside of the house."

JULES (confused): You would have used your free time to play in the
laundry-baskets or with the clothes drying on the clothesline, Boromir?
BOROMIR: Well, perhaps when I was FOUR, but…


He winked at Conner

BORIS (as Boromir): Now, don’t tell anyone I still like to play with laundry
even though I’m over forty…


and turned to lead the way to the promised dinner. "And I am happy to see
that you used some of that free time to polish your sword."

*uproarious laughter*
CHESTERFIELD: I almost feel sorry for Conner; he’s so transparent!


For several heart-banging moments,

JULES: Oh, now that’s TOO disgusting!
BOROMIR: Jules!


Conner wondered how his Captain had guessed the truth about his encounter with the trio of elf-ladies,

BORIS (deadpan): Probably because you had an erection when Boromir mentioned
the word “bath”.


and tried to quickly come up with a reasonable explanation for his eagerness to join the debauchery.

CHESTERFIELD (as Conner): No, it wasn’t my fault; they made me do it! First they undressed
me, and even though I was much stronger, I couldn’t run away…and then they gave
me an orgasm and I passed out…and then their mother came, and she had eyes like
doors, and she hypnotized me…


Luckily, something made him glance down at the sword on his hip, and he noticed
that

JULES: The ellith had written on it, “To Conner: the best we ever had.”

the handguard, below the hilt, was nearly twinkling; it was so clean.

BORIS: SPARKLY!

Cautiously, he withdrew a few inches of the blade from its scabbard and saw that it had an almost mirror-like finish that he had never been able to achieve
on his own. The ellith.

BOROMIR (groan): Oh, I see…they polished his LITERAL sword as well; this is
all part of the joke…
CHESTERFIELD: leverest canon-rape ever; you have to admit that, at least.


More careful inspection revealed that his clothes had been cleaned and mended,
too, and his boots had been buffed until they were glossy.

JULES: Why? Just…why?
BORIS: Probably felt they owed him something after making him have sex so many
times.
BOROMIR: Or else instead of making themselves his wives, they made themselves
his servants.


He felt dashing.

JULES: Oh, great; in another minute he’s going to start talking and acting
like Casanova.


"A well-polished sword is a sure sign of respect for a worthy
weapon," remarked Boromir.

CHESTERFIELD(as Conner): Boromir, shut up; you’re spoiling my wet dream!

"Aye, sir, it is that," agreed Conner happily, although more to
himself than to his Captain. "That it surely is."

ALL: Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha…
JULES: Yep; everybody has a good laugh…
BORIS: Behold the silly, charming… (cough)…ending…


The End

BOROMIR: AT LAST!
JULES: C’mon; let’s get outta here …
CHESTERFIELD: Agreed.
*All exit the theater*
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