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An Elf's Love: the MST
Topic Started: Jul 16 2008, 06:37 PM (3,975 Views)
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
Disclaimer: Boromir, Morgoth, Uruk-hai, Nazgul, and anything else having to do with Middle-Earth all belong to Tolkien and some belong also to New Line Cinema. Boris the Nazgul belongs to Araiona Dubois. Chesterfield the Uruk-hai and Jules belong to me. “MST3K” belongs to Best Brains Inc. This atrocity is an early version of "Middle-earth's Last Hope". The present story, which is not the one being MSTed, belongs to Phantom’s Ange and may be found on fanfiction.net.


In the not-too-distant future
Next Friday A.D.
There lived a girl named Jules
Not too different from you or me.
She wrote a new fanfic every week,
A very happy and contented geek.
But Morgoth was feeling bored one day,
So he trapped her in the Void, and he sent her far away!


JULES: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I’ll send her awful fanfics (ooh ooh!)
The worst I can find! (la la la!)
She’ll have to sit and read them all
And I’ll monitor her mind.
Now keep in mind Jules can’t control
When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!)
She’ll have to keep her sanity
With the help of some brand-new friends!


DAILY ROLL CALL!

BOROMIR! (I’M ALIVE!)
BORIS! (SHIRE…BAGGINS!)
CHESTERFIELD! (MANFLESSSSSH!)
JUUUUUUUULES! (FUCK YOU!)

If you’re wondering how they all got there
And other useless facts (la la la!)
Just keep in mind it’s all a joke
You should really just relax—

For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000!



Nobody had ever seen Morgoth look more cheerful than he ever had at that moment. He was practically rubbing his hands with glee. His four miserable prisoners stood with eyes downcast and hearts beating, yet they still had a tiny bit of hope that this story would be as ridiculous and laughable as the others.

“This fic,” began Morgoth dramatically, “is certain to break you. It is a classic Mary-Sue-tenth-walker-Legomance entitled “An Elf’s Love”, by Phantom’s Ange. And dreadful doesn’t even BEGIN to describe it.”

The prisoners seemed skeptical, shaking their heads and mumbling to themselves. Jules spoke up, “You know, Morgoth, you’ve made this announcement every time you’ve sent us a fic. And every time, it hasn’t been as bad as you’ve said; in fact, we’ve gotten some good laughs out of the ones you HAVE sent us. So why should this one be any different?”

Morgoth smirked. “I tried this on twenty trolls, and every one of them committed suicide afterwards. Not to mention that all the orcs who read it were in tears by the end."

There was a pause, during which the faces of the prisoners changed from skepticism to disbelief to panic. “Dear Iluvatar,” Boromir breathed, clutching his heart.

Morgoth laughed maniacally, making everyone shudder. “However, out of the goodness of my heart, I shall give you five minutes to prepare before you go read it. Your preparation time begins now.”

Jules went back to her room, took out a notebook, and began scribbling furiously. If she had to die, she would not die with her Silmarillion Sonnets unfinished. Furious thoughts raced through her mind.

Why did he give us time? He never does! It can’t POSSIBLY be that bad. Oh, dear God, help me; I want to go home!

Boromir unsheathed his sword and began swinging it, as if he were practicing with it, though he was really trying to settle his nerves. How could Morgoth have given them time to prepare? He never did…well, Boromir, at least, would be brave enough to get through it…wouldn’t he? Oh, why couldn’t he go back to being dead?

Boris sat restlessly pinching flies between his fingers. What if Morgoth was doing the same thing: torturing smaller and weaker beings to settle his nerves…no, that couldn’t be the case. He clearly had the upper hand. Whatever the fic was, it was going to be awful. Though Nazgul are not the type to frighten easily, Boris couldn’t help shuddering.

Chesterfield was dying for a bite of human flesh. There had been none for several days, ever since Mary Sue killing had slowed down briefly. He was going to be deprived of one last treat before he died.

Even if we survive this, he thought dismally, there’ll be other fics, possibly even worse. No, we’re doomed. Morgoth giving us time to prepare shows it.

The five minutes of preparation were all too short. The lights flashed, and, amid Jules’s screams of “We’ve got fanfic sign!” the prisoners hurried into the theater.


Disclaimer: All things here in belong to Tolkien or New Line Cinema. Rose, Rijah, Bijan, Mark, Stacie, Melcindómien, Vanya, and Caladwen are my only original creation,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah…(cough)…your only EIGHT original creations.

as well as the plot.

JULES: Well, DUH.

AN: Oh, btw,

BOROMIR: Wait…why is she talking about cars all of a sudden?
JULES: Um…that’s b-M-w, Boromir; “btw” as in an acronym for “by the way”.


thank you All-Knowing Alien 2 for pointing out some things for me.

BORIS: I was WONDERING why whenever I wore sunglasses at night, I kept bumping into stuff.

Like why her parents hate her, the tiger, the bed sheets, and about the group of kids at school. So I’ve changed them and the credit goes to you.

BORIS: What’s this all about?
JULES: Trust me; we probably don’t want to know.


Vanya knows about Frodo because she’s

JULES: Read the Russian edition of “The Lord of the Rings.”

and the other two are in the West.

JULES: They somehow managed to cross over into West Berlin.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, so this is a Cold War fic? That’s new.


In this fic, they can see what’s happening on ME.

BOROMIR: We neither know nor care what’s happening on YOU, Phantom’s Ange; I have no wish to hear about your rash or your foot fungus…
JULES (sigh): ME as in Middle-Earth, Boromir. Acronyms, hello?


And you’ll find out more about Adrian as the story progresses.

CHESTERFIELD (snort): Ninth original creation.

“Talking”
(My thoughts)
“Thinking or thoughts”

BOROMIR: Thoughts?
JULES: I think, therefore I…thought?
BORIS: Right-o, moving on…


&Flashback&

ALL: Already?! What the…

There’s a young girl that was the age of 18 whom has wavy auburn hair that comes just past her shoulders.

*Everyone stares at the first sentence, twitches, and passes out*

She was lying in her large bedroom.

*Everyone abruptly wakes up*
BORIS: Well, at least she had the common courtesy to put a normal, readable sentence right after it.


A few very light freckles glaze her face,

CHESTERFIELD: Made this in pottery class; it’s a vase for my mom.

which you can’t see unless you’re very close.

BOROMIR: So…why mention them at all, then?
BORIS: Oh, hell, it’s just as important as the color and length of her hair.
BOROMIR: Ah, yes, of course.


Her eyes are emerald in color; sparkling like jades in the sunlight.

BORIS: Sparkling like…whores…in the sunlight?
JULES: I think so. After all, if she’d meant the precious stones, she wouldn’t have made it plural.


Her skin tone is peach, but also has a little marble color added to it.

CHESTERFIELD (drooling): Yum…peach…and marbled chocolate cake!
JULES (nervously): Er…you DID eat lunch today, didn’t you?


Her lips are pink, close to red.

BORIS: So the author’s saying they’re not green, close to puke-colored, like everyone else’s lips?
JULES: Nope. They’re different.


She has a heart shaped face

BOROMIR: And her mother has a crescent-moon-shaped face and her father has a star-shaped face. Whoopee.

and an hourglass figure,

JULES (Jafar from “Aladdin”): Part…sands of time…reveal to me the one who is destroying canon…

which is toned since she walks and runs through the forest behind her house

JULES (singing): Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest…
CHESTERFIELD (muttering): Prancing bint…


and uses weights to tone up her arms.

ALL (singing): Pump it up!

Her name is Rosalyn; aka “Rosa” Monroe, but her friends nicknamed her “Kat” because her eyes remind people of a cat’s eye.

BORIS: So…her eyes remind people of a “cat’s” eyes, but they nicknamed her “Kat”?
JULES: Boy, this girl’s got everything! She’s beautiful, athletic, rich…and she’s got two nicknames: one reasonable and one stupid!


She’s captain of the Track Team and has other circular activities,

BORIS (gasp): What, no triangular or rectangular activities?!

which includes choir and band.

JULES: How much do you wanna bet that the author is also in choir and band?

She’s an expert with guns (whom her friend, Adam had taught her)

JULES: Oh, who didn’t see that coming?
BORIS: “Guns”? “Whom”?


and is now taking up archery.

CHESTERFIELD: Her feet are mutilated from all the arrows she’s shot into them.

Today, she’s wearing a black short-sleeved shirt that has the words “90 Angel” in silver sparkle in the front and “10 Devil” in red flames on the back.

BOROMIR: And the words “0 Interesting Character” in pink hearts on the left and 10000000 Disgusting Sue” in green slime on the right…

A blue jean short-sleeved jacket that has a zipper in the middle rests over it.

CHESTERFIELD: No, she’s not wearing it, but it RESTS OVER IT.
BORIS: Don’t try to be more descriptive or sophisticated in your writing; you’ll only sound stupid.


For pants, she’s wearing a pair of tight black leather and combat boots.

BOROMIR: Oh, SWEET ERU…how exciting!
JULES: I’m on the edge of my seat!


Her parents treated her roughly because of the complications that Stacie endured during her pregnancy with Rosa

BORIS (as mother): Bitch wouldn’t let me drink or smoke while I was pregnant with her! Damn baby! You’re grounded!

and her fraternal twin, Erik, whom died in birth.

JULES: Well, uh…we know why she calls herself the Phantom’s Ange, I guess…
CHESTERFIELD: “Whom died in birth”?


They’d do inhumanly things to her that’s unspeakable.

CHESTERFIELD: We can’t stretch unspeakable enough.

Mark has shoulder-length sandy-blonde hair and brown eyes. He’s quite attractive in a raggedy kind of way. He has short sideburns. His attitude was similar to his wife's.

BORIS: I wonder if he’s going to show up anymore in this story.
JULES: Probably not.


Stacie, on the other hand, has long flowing blonde hair and icy blue eyes.

BORIS: Yeah; and we care…why?
JULES: It’s Wordiness Day on fanfiction.net…


She sticks her nose into other peoples’ business

JULES (as other people): Yuck; a disembodied nose in my business!

and has a stance that makes people detest her.

BOROMIR: So, basically, she’s no different from Rosa, then.
JULES: Like mother, like daughter.


Everyone’s quite surprised on how Rosa had turned out,

CHESTERFIELD: With her pottery, heart-shaped face, her edible skin, her figure with sand trickling through it…

for she was nothing like her parents.

BOROMIR: What, NOTHING?
JULES: No, NOTHING.
BOROMIR: What, NOTHING?
JULES: Well…hardly ANYTHING…
BORIS: You know, I’m starting to wonder if the author has an infatuation with the “bold” command…


Rosa’s attitude is gentle, caring, and sweet, yet she’s very timid and is frightened easily.

CHESTERFIELD: Hm; she’s Snow White.
BORIS: She’s the poster child for the male chauvinist movement.


Her movements are very graceful and she also has a great love of reading.

CHESTERFIELD: She frequently dances ballet and reads at the same time. She’s multi-talented.

Her favorite books consist of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. She knows everything about the story.

JULES: Why does this seem so ironic?

It’s her way of escaping her world of hell.

JULES: Darn old Pitch! Why can’t he leave Rosa alone?
OTHERS: What?


When she reads the books, she feels that she belongs in

BORIS: The loony-bin?

Middle-Earth

BORIS: Oh.

and she’s missing something,

JULES: Oh, like a working brain, any sort of a personality…

something that is waiting for her.

BOROMIR: (cough)…Balrog…(cough)

Rosa also has two Wolf dogs that dwell in her houses’ basement

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, look, she’s a spoiled rich brat; she’s got more than one house!
JULES: Which only have ONE basement?
BORIS: Duplex?


since her parents never venture down there, plus it’s roomy. One is a female while the other is male.

ALL: Uh-huh…

Both are pure white with a blotch on their backs,

ALL: Mm-hm…

but the male has somewhat of a black face than the female.

BORIS: You follow all that?
JULES: That’s “African-American” face to you, Phantom’s Ange.


Both stay near Rosa, with the exception of school, yet she can still feel their presences.

JULES: That lingering scent of their shit NEVER comes out of her clothes.

She named the male Thalion (Thahl-ee-on)

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, she’s showing us how to pronounce it!
JULES: How…(cough)…considerate of her.


that means “Hero” in Elf,

*Silence*
BORIS: She…she got the name of the language wrong.
BOROMIR: Oh, we’re in for it now…


but she calls him Bijan

CHESTERFIELD (snort): ‘Cause his eyes remind her of a bi—what?

and the female Caladwen (Kah-lahd-wehn)

BOROMIR: These pronunciation guides are distracting.
JULES: How the hell can you not know how to pronounce “Caladwen” anyway?


that means “Light”,

BORIS: In Gobbledygook…

yet she calls her Rijah.

*Silence*
BOROMIR: So…what relation does it have to the name “Caladwen” anyway?
CHESTERFIELD: Probably her eyes remind people of a Rijah’s eyes.
ALL: HUH?!


She then remembered when she met them and the events that took place after that.

JULES: The pups may be dead, but the scars their teeth left on her legs live on.

&Flashback&

BORIS: What the…”And, flashback, and”?!
JULES: Who cares; it’s a clumsy flashback in the middle of nowhere! Ouch…


On a bright, cool sunny day, Rosa’s wondering around the far,

BOROMIR: I think there’s a letter missing somewhere in there.

enjoying the scenery.

JULES (Crow T. Robot): The driver’s either missing or he’s dead.

“Ahh,” she sighs happily. “I love the smell of the morning air.”

CHESTERFIELD: “It smells like…an enchanting mixture of car exhaust, sewage, and dead animals in the road!”

As she walks around, she comes to a sudden stop when she hears whimpering and yipping.

JULES: It was Tolkien’s ghost, unable to rest in peace.

“I wonder what that is.” She thought.

BORIS: Oh, yup, she’s obsessed with the “bold” command, all right…
JULES: She really wants to put an emphasis on thinking, doesn’t she?


As she walks closer, the whimpering and yipping gets louder. She soon comes to what’s making the noise

ALL: INTENSE…DESCRIPTIVE…NOISE-MAKING!

and that scene makes her heart both stop and break in two.

BOROMIR: Oh, ouch…
BORIS: That has GOT to be painful.


There, in front of her were two wolf dog pups.

JULES (singing): And a partridge in a pear tree…

They were both bleeding from very deep wounds and malnourishment.

JULES: You don’t bleed from malnourishment, stupid. Geez, at least do SOME research before you post stuff like this.

“Oh, you poor things,” she cooed.

*Everyone makes pigeon noises*

She saw the two stiffen when she spoke and both turn their gazes at her.

BORIS (as pups): Hey…did you just turn into a pigeon and back really fast?

She took an intake of breath at the intense sky-blue and amber eyes that gaze back at her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Staring contest! You’re on!

She saw one try to stand, but with its intense wounds,

BOROMIR: Wait…one of the eyes?!
JULES: No, I think one of the pups.


she could see pain had shot through its body

*Chesterfield makes gunshot noises*

because it cried out in pain and fell down, whimpering.

JULES (as pup): No…no, not this…it’s another wimpy fairy-tale princess here to sing sappy songs to me and make me clean the house of the seven dwarfs…
BOROMIR: DWARVES, Jules.


“Shh,” she cooed. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

BORIS: “I’m just going to strip you of your dignity and suppress your natural instincts!”

She then slowly bent to the one whom had tried to stand level

CHESTERFIELD: As opposed to standing on a slant.

and out-stretched her hand so it could smell her. It did and then looked at her intently.

BORIS (as pup): Blech…smells like dead fish!

“Its all right,” she soothed. “You can trust me.”

JULES (singing): Trust in meeeeeeee…just in meeeeeeee…shut you eyes…and trust in meeeeeeee…

She was then taken back when it nuzzled into her hand and then fainted.

BORIS: Phee-yew…what a stink!

She then carefully and with a mother’s touch,

JULES: But a father’s hair and a grandfather’s eyes.

picked both of the pups up and carried them to her room.

JULES: You know, MOST people call the local animal shelter.
BORIS: Rosa is a REBEL, Jules; she’s thinking outside the box!

---------
Since her parents were gone, she took the pups to her bathroom,

CHESTERFIELD: The bathroom was her parents’ favorite place to hang out, so she couldn’t take the pups there when they were there…you understand.
BOROMIR: No, we don’t.


filling the tub with warm water. As soon as the tub was full enough,

JULES (sniff): Goddamn optimist…I’d say it was EMPTY enough.

she gently set the one whom had nuzzled into her hand in the tub

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, geez; shut up with the “whoms” already!
BOROMIR: She probably read that “whom” should be always used instead of “who”
on some seventh-grader’s grammar site on the internet.


and carefully washed him clean of the dried blood and dirt. While doing this, the pup whimpered and whined.

JULES (as pup): Oh, geez…don’t touch me there…ah…help! Rape!

She made cooing and soothing sounds that calmed it.

BORIS (as pup): Pigeons calm me down…and make me feel SO relaxed…

As soon as the cub was clean, she lifted him carefully and dried it with great care.

JULES: Hello, hi, this is the Department of Redundancies Department. We provide you with a great deal of a lot of redundancies all the time, 24/7!

She did the same with the other while keeping a watchful eye on the first pup.

BOROMIR (deadpan): With great care and a mother’s touch.
CHESTERFIELD: Eyeballs heal wounds.

------------------
Once both were clean and the blood had stopped,

BORIS: They were dead. The end.

she carried them to her room and set them both on her bed

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): It’s okay to set wild, stray animals on my bed!
JULES (as Rosa): Everything I know about nature I learned from Billy Slammer, who got bitten by seven rabid possums before he was in high school!
BORIS: That’s...obscure…


and went to get medical supplies; bandages, alcohol, cotton swabs, and a warm blanket.

BOROMIR: All located in the fully-equipped hospital attached to her house.

She then set to work on the first one, which she found out was a boy.

JULES: “A boy”! This author must have passed her third-grade vocabulary test with flying colors!

Throughout the ordeal, he whimpered and tried moving away, but she gently held him in place.

BORIS: “No! You will NEVER escape!”
CHESTERFIELD: “Look, have mercy on me; I WANTED to die; I don’t WANT to have to live with a human…


As soon as she was done with bandaging him, she set to work on the second pup, whom was a female.

BOROMIR: Well, she gets credit for using the word “female”.
JULES: And she loses it for using the word “whom” again.


As she worked on her, she saw the boy slowly opening his eyes.

JULES: Oh, look, it’s the train arrival scene from “The Polar Express.”
CHESTERFIELD: Minus the creepy animation.


She watched him closely as he took in his surroundings before landing his eyes on her.

CHESTERFIELD: LAND-HO!

She smiled warmly and gently stroked him.

BORIS: Though she was tempted to rip out handfuls of his fur with her fingernails.

Rosa was soon done with the female and both were gazing at her curiously.

JULES (as pups): Wow, that is a SEXY curiously you’ve got there, human…
BOROMIR (disgustedly): Oh, Jules…


“Welcome back,” she said. “You two hungry?”

BORIS (as pups): We hungry. Want eat meat. Water. You have, pale-face?

When she said that, she heard a growling sound

BOROMIR: Just before the pups leaped straight for her throat.

and giggled at seeing the pups nuzzling into her bed,

CHESTERFIELD (as pups): I LOVE YOU!

which she knew was from both exhaustion and embarrassment.

JULES (as Rosa): Oh, I enjoy taking pleasure in animals’ pain!

“I’ll go and get you two some warm milk.”

BORIS (as pups): Well, we were thinking more of some booze, but fine, whatever.
---------
A few moments later, Rosa returned with a saucer of warm milk in her hands.

JULES: No, she returned with it BALANCED IT ON HER NOSE.

She gently set it on her bed and gently shook the pups that had been sleeping

ALL: Gently.

. Both groggily

ALL: And gently…

opened their eyes and soon had stars

CHESTERFIELD: Varda gave ‘em to them as a present.

when their gazed at the inviting saucer.

BOROMIR: When their…WHAT?!
JULES (as saucer): C’mon, kiss me, suck my cock, you know you want to…


Rosa giggled and pushed the saucer closer when she saw them trying to reach it.

JULES (singing): Schadenfreude…people taking pleasure in your pain!

They both yip a “thanks” to her and began to eat.

BORIS: How do you “yip a ‘thanks’” anyway?
JULES: Ugh, I hate these stories.


She stroked them both and then went to her computer,

CHESTERFIELD: And stroked it.

checking her email and such.

BOROMIR: And stuff and things of that nature.

She then came upon an article that read “Two Wolf Dog Pups Has Escaped from Local Circus”

JULES: Oh, great; it’s somebody else who’s illiterate and posting stuff online.

She then looked at the now slumbering pups, which had finished eating.

BORIS: Oh, wow, thanks; I thought they were still eating in their sleep, but you cleared that up.

“Could they be the two runaway Wolf Dog pups?” She thought.

CHESTERFIELD (announcer): Now on a national tour! Order your tickets online now!

She then read the article and indeed, the pups she saved WERE the runaway pups.

BOROMIR: No, they weren’t; they were the runaway Wolf Dog pups; capitalized. There IS a difference.

She then read articles on the circus that they had escaped from and found out the

JULES: Bearded lady was her mother and the ringmaster was her father. She was adopted!

owners took very poor care of their animals and that he had run away.

CHESTERFIELD: Who’s “he”?
JULES: Her father, the ringmaster?


---------
As the days flew by, the cub, which she had named Bijan

JULES: Whoever the hell THAT is…
BOROMIR: The CUB?


was growing stronger. Soon, the owners of the circus came to her house.

BORIS (as Rosa): Oh, damn that email ID!
CHESTERFIELD (as circus owners, menacingly): We know where you live…


“Hello,” said a baldhead man who looked like he was in his thirties with grey hair and beard. He was a bit chubby with a small second chin.

BORIS: Which CLEARLY indicates that he’s not gonna show up anymore in this fic.

“My name is Bill Martin.

JULES (rolling her eyes): Yep; the unglamorous name DEFINITELY means that his part in the story’s finished.

I’m one of the owners of the circus

BORIS: “Thanks; that’s helpful, since there’s only ONE circus in the world.”
JULES: Email ID only works for them.


and I was wondering if any of you has seen these two wolf dog pups?”

BOROMIR: Wolf Dog. Capitalized!
JULES: You know, I’m gonna start thinking “Wolf dog pups” is a trademark in this story.


And he showed them a picture of the pups.

BORIS (as Rosa): Argh! That’s disgusting!
JULES (singing): You and me, baby, ain’t nothin’ but mammals…


Rosa stiffened a little, but made sure that no one saw.

BOROMIR (as Rosa, thinking): All right, no one’s watching…it’s safe…ready, set…stiffen!

“No, I haven’t.” Stacie said.
“Nor I.” Mark said. “Rosalyn?”
“No, I haven’t,” Rosa lied.
“All right,” Bill said. “Thank you.” And he left.

*Silence*
CHESTERFIELD: They believed her?
JULES: Well, now we know why the teen crime wave is on the rise in the United States.

---------
As soon as Bill was gone, Rosa ran up to her room and locked the door.

BORIS: “Chubby, second-chinned, gray-haired, UGLY OLD PERVERT!!!
CHESTERFIELD: “As a cameo character, he’s not worthy to look on my stunning beauty!”


Her gaze softened as she looked upon the slumbering pups she had come to love dearly.

BORIS: In the record time of a week!
JULES (sigh): Ah, love at first sight…

---------
It had been four months and both Rijah's and Bijan’s wounds had healed completely.
Both were bubbly and friendly.

JULES: Champagne makes me…giggly!

&End of Flashback&

JULES & BORIS: Owwwwww!

Coming back from the memory, she laid on her bed.

CHESTERFIELD: Rosa’s part-chicken, I guess.
JULES: Oh, ew…


It was a king-sized bed. Her pillow sheets were ocean blue as well as her bed sheets and comforter.

BORIS (deadpan): Whoopdy-shit.

She had posters the Lord of the Ring movies, especially Legolas.

JULES (scowl): Well, I guess it was too much to hope for that it would be Gimli or Gandalf or Gollum…

It wasn’t the actor, Orlando Bloom, whom played that she felt drawn to, but the character.

JULES: And yet she’s got posters of the actor…?
BORIS: Eh, your guess is as good as mine.


Even her screensaver has a picture of Legolas.

ALL: Fangirls…ugh…

Rosa laughed at the memory as it played.

JULES (singing): Home, home on the range…where the deer and the memories play…

Bijan, whom was sleeping on the floor,

JULES: AAAAAH!!! STOP SAYING WHOM!!!
BOROMIR (nervously): Calm down…don’t have a nervous breakdown…


opened his lazy eyes to Rosa.

BORIS (as Bijan): What a nightmare! I dreamed I was being kept in a house by a human who…aahhhhhhhh!

Rijah was still asleep next to her. He stretched out, yawning in the process.

*Everyone yawns loudly*

He jumped onto the bed and moved closer to her, wanting attention.

CHESTERFIELD (as Bijan): Hey, you forgot to feed me…AGAIN.

He nuzzled his head into her lazy hand that was lying on her bed.

CHESTERFIELD (as lazy hand): Mom, I don’t wanna go outside! “The Simpsons” is on!

She giggled as she stroked and rubbed his special spot;

JULES (snicker): Oh, wow; this is a bestiality fic!
BOROMIR: Ugh…


earning a contented growl

JULES: Bon-chika-bow-wow!

He laid his head on her stomach, gazing at her.

BORIS (as Bijan): You know, you remind me of a bitch…a nice, young, tender bitch in heat…

“I was just remembering when you and Rijah came into my life.” She said.

ALL: Oh, no, no…
JULES: Jesus, NOT ANOTHER FLASHBACK!


She then remembered at first, as they grew stronger,

BORIS: She grew weaker.

both were a little jittery whenever she came near them,

CHESTERFIELD: “Oh no…maybe she didn’t wash away that fish smell…”

but as time passed, they grew accustom,

JULES (snort): This fic’s growing “accustom”.
BOROMIR: What are you talking about?
JULES: No idea.


slowly allowing Rosa to come nearer and nearer to them ‘til at last,

BORIS: They TORE OUT HER THROAT AND RIPPED OUT HER VOCAL CORDS!

she was able to pick them up without them being afraid.

CHESTERFIELD: Of course her hands were now shredded lumps of bloody flesh, but it was still worth it!

She then remembered another memory on which she freed them.

ALL: Oh, no, no, no…

&Flashback&

ALL: OWWWWWW!

The day came when he and Rijah was strong enough to survive on their own.

JULES (seething): They would NEVER be strong enough to survive on their own, because YOU TOOK CARE OF THEM! THEY’VE BEEN LIVING IN CAPTIVITY ALL THEIR LIVES!
CHESTERFIELD: Jules, spare us the animal rights lecture.


When her parents were gone, Rosa walked to the forest opening,

BORIS: Wow; forests have openings, like doors?
JULES: Aw, hell, these modern American forests are different.


with the two ups on each of her side.

CHESTERFIELD: And the three downs on top of her head.

“Well, this looks like where we depart ways, little ones,” she said.

JULES (as pups): HALLELUJAH!

Both Rijah and Bijan cock their heads in confusion.

BOROMIR (as Rijah and Bijan): Er…can’t you understand by now that we don’t know English?

Rosa felt her heart scrunch in heartbreak.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, OW…
BORIS: She should get treatment for that.


Oh how she loved the two wolf dog pups.

JULES (monotonous first-grade poem): Oh how I love my doggie. He is white and black. He plays catch in the backyard. What a nice doggie.

“Go on,” she gently ushered. “You’re both free.”

JULES (singing): Go on…yeah, yeah, yeah…you’re both free…yeah, yeah, yeah…
BOROMIR: What the…
JULES: Well, she said “ushered”, so what the hell else would she mean?


They never moved.

CHESTERFIELD: They were actually stuffed toys.

They never went into the forest; instead they stayed at her heel.

BOROMIR (as dogs, gnawing on Rosa’s heel): Mmmm…live prey!

“Go on,” she coaxed.
After a few more tries at persuading them into the forest, both never stirred.

BOROMIR (yawn): The excitement and action in this story had been too much for them.

So she decided to go inside the house to let them go in when they were ready.

JULES: Ah, I get it; they were EMBARRASSED that she would see them make fools of themselves in the wild.
BOROMIR: Makes about as much sense as anything else in this fic.


“All right,” she said. “You can go when you’re ready.”

BORIS: “And I can’t stress that enough!”

She then went back inside, hoping the pups would be all right.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, yeah, they’re all right, considering they’re away from YOU.
---------
The next day, she was very flabbergasted to see them both sleeping next to her.

BORIS: Brace yourselves, everybody…here it comes…

&End of Flashback&

ALL: OWWWWWW!

She then remembered as the years went by; both grew and became very strong and handsome/beautiful wolf dogs.

*laughter*
JULES: Well, that’s ONE way to solve the “handsome” versus “beautiful” problem.


As soon as her parents had left for work, she’d let Rijah and Bijan roam freely in the forest behind their home until she returned.

BORIS: Apparently, she was willing to let them be chewed into furry pancakes during her absence.

She was very cautious at buying loads of meat for them to eat and was able to keep both of them a secret,

BOROMIR (as Rosa’s mother): Rosa, why is there a whole pig on the top shelf of the freezer?
JULES (as Rosa): Oh…that’s for…the class Hawaiian barbecue! Yeah!


but her parents had come home and saw the bills for the meat that Rosa had purchased.

BORIS: Okay…she can hide the dogs from her parents but she leaves her money lying around all over the place.
JULES: Responsible, ain’t she?


Rosa soon came home and was bombarded with questions

CHESTERFIELD: KABLAMMO!

and was accused of housing two dangerous animals. Rosa argued with them about how the circus had treated them badly.

BORIS: “Believe me; they have a much better life cooped up here with me touching them against their will all the time!”

She refused to give them up when her parents announced that they would call the owner of the circus

BOROMIR: He’s not worthy to be named anymore.
JULES: Poor guy.


and inform him that the two Wolf dogs

JULES: Trademarked!

he had been searching for was with them.
&Flashback&

ALL: OWWWWWW!

“I won’t give them up!!” Rosa argued.

BORIS: “You can have them over my dead body! Wait, let me rephrase that…I’ll die before I’ll let you have them! Hmmm, let me rephrase that…”

“You have no say in the matter, young lady.” Mark said.

JULES (as Rosa): Oh, bite me; it’s fun!

“You can’t have them!!” Rosa yelled. “I won’t let you!!”

BOROMIR: Rosa is quite creative, is she not?
CHESTERFIELD (as Mark): Can’t you say anything else?!


Mark’s blood boiled that he raised his hand and….

CHESTERFIELD: What?
JULES: Oh, come on…


SLAP!!

ALL: Say!

Rosa’s face stung from the impact and she instinctively held her burning cheek.

BORIS: Stop, drop, and roll, Rosa!

Tears welled in her eyes. Her father had slapped her?!

JULES: I know; he only slapped her just now?!

“You will not talk back to me, young lady!!” he yelled.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, if you don’t want that, punch her in the mouth!

With his anger clouding his mind, he began beating her.

JULES: You know, my mood just got ten times better right now.
BOROMIR: Isn’t it funny? So did mine.


Upstairs, both Rijah and Bijan heard Rosas’ painful cries and immediately intervened.

BORIS: “She’s weak! Let’s eat her before she can run away!”

The sight that lay before them when they saw what was happening, their blood boiled with rage.

CHESTERFIELD: “ONE OF THOSE CLAUSES IS UNFINISHED!”

Bijan’s eyes were wide in both terror and anger that in frenzy, he lunged at Mark, whom had stumbled from the extra weight.

BORIS (as Mark): Oh, man, I should NOT have had that plum pudding last night…

Rijah ran to Rosas’ side and nuzzled her, checking her injuries.

JULES (snort): Oh, look; we’ve got medically-minded dogs. This is getting more and more ridiculous all the time.

Bijan had growled and barked as he clawed at Marks’ eye, giving him a scar that ran from his forehead, over his eye, and came to the beginning of his cheek.

CHESTERFIELD: But…it was his EYE he clawed at!
BORIS: Sauron; this dog’s aim is poorer than a drunken orc’s!


When Stacie tried to intervene by moving towards Rosa, Bijan growled and leapt and stood protectively in front of both Rijah and Rosa, baring his fangs.

BOROMIR (as Bijan): She’s my dinner! Get your own!

Stacie ran to Marks’ side.
“Come on, Mark,” she said, helping him up. “Lets get that looked at.”

BORIS: “So everyone can LAUGH at you and SHAME you! Hahaha!”
JULES (as Mark): Look, I don’t want it LOOKED at; I want it TREATED!


&End Flashback&

ALL: OWWWWWW!

Both Stacie and Mark went to the hospital to get his wound treated.

BORIS: Unfortunately, they found out that their bitch of a daughter had used all the medical supplies on her bloodthirsty pets.
CHESTERFIELD: Wow, you’re bitter.
BORIS: DAMN STRAIGHT!


When they returned home, Rosa was in her room with Bijan standing guard.

BOROMIR (as Bijan): NOBODY touches my food…NOBODY!

Inside her room, Rosa was treating what had inflicted on her as Rijah watched her with mother eyes

CHESTERFIELD: And father lips…and brother noses…and sister ears.

Since then, both became her personal bodyguards and protector.

JULES (announcer): Walt Disney Pictures presents…

Every time she went out walking, they’d be nearby, never letting her out of their sight.

BOROMIR: STALKING her.

Bijan would sleep at the foot of her bed and kept an ear open for danger while Rijah slept with Rosa,

JULES: And bore a litter of little half-human wolf dogs.
BOROMIR: Jules!


whom held onto her like a lifeline.

JULES: AAAAARRRRRGGHHHHH!
BORIS: Oh, shit, she’s cracking already…


When she would cry, both would be there to comfort her. They’d nuzzle, and lick until she was calmed down.

JULES: Until she was turned on!
BORIS: Whoa; wolf dog foreplay.

-------
At school, it was no different.

JULES: Lord, she took those ferocious beasts to school? No wonder everyone hated her.

There were a couple of groups of students whom thought they were better than everyone else.

*Jules screams, tears her hair, and starts running around and around the theater*
CHESTERFIELD (shaking his head): Sheesh, if this goes on for the rest of the fic…


A particular group took a special interest in Rosa.

*Jules runs into a wall and passes out*
BORIS: O-kay…moving on…


It wasn’t because of her straight A’s or because she was into fantasy,

BOROMIR: Oh, well, that’s a relief…huh?!

but because they’d taunt her and say she was the cause of her brothers’ death and she believed them.

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, and how’d they even find out?
BORIS: They’re taunting her…for her mother’s birth complications?
JULES: HUH?!
BORIS: Oh…you’re back.
JULES (grumpily): No need to sound so disappointed about it.


They would push her, take her things, throw food at her, call her names and

JULES (singing): Never let poor Rosa join in any reindeer games…

yet, through it all, she took this from them,

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Wow…free food! Thanks, everybody!

even though she was sad that no one would stop to get to know her.

JULES: All right, correct me if I’m wrong, but would YOU want to get to know somebody who just let people walk all over her and never defended herself? Useless pussy.

But on one particular day, four people did take the time to get to know her,

BOROMIR: “You know, we’ve been thinking, and we just found out how RIDICULOUS it was to throw food at you because of your mother’s birth complications.”

even though at first Rosa was very terrified and nervous of them. They had shown her kindness and treated her like a human being.

JULES: Say…are you thinking what I’m thinking, Chesterfield?
CHESTERFIELD: Why, yes…yes I am.
JULES (Pearl Forrester): Being human is not about eating tons of pills and carrying brains around in salad bowls…being human is about…
CHESTERFIELD (Bobo): You forget I’m not human! Hahahahaha!
BORIS: Shut up, you two.


With that, she formed an unbreakable bond with them.

CHESTERFIELD: She attached herself to their arms using steel chains.

They stuck by her through thick and thin.

BOROMIR: And tall and short. And hot and cold. And black and white.

Every day she went to school, her friends would ask how she was; she’d stiffen and immediately change the subject.

BOROMIR: Ready, set…stiffen!
CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Hey, guys, let’s form a stiffs club!


They never pushed her, figuring she’d tell them when she was ready.

JULES: They were secretly hoping she’d commit suicide soon.

There was a group of boys; one in specific seemed to have a special interest in bullying Rosa.

BORIS: Must have been the “Society for the Blaming of your Son’s Death on his Twin.”
JULES: Don’t high school guys ever try out for the football team anymore?


Rosa didn’t know why this boy seemed to have taken an interest in her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): He’s always LOOKING at me…and once, when I bumped into him, I felt something POKING me through his pants…

Every time she and her friends walked through the school hallways, the leader of the group, Adrian Flynn would always brush up against Rosa

JULES (as Adrian): Hahaha! Rosa’s got the cooties!

and make it look like he “bumped” into her, he would quickly grope her.

BORIS (as Adrian): What?! I was just brushing a piece of fuzz off your pants…really!

This frightened her. She tried avoiding Adrian at all cost, but it seemed that everywhere she was, he was there.

BORIS: Insert Michelle Branch lyrics here.
JULES: Oh, Adrian’s the new “Kitten with a Whip.”


She even told her parents about it, but they just ignore her as usual.

BOROMIR: Or they may not be in a friendly mood BECAUSE YOUR DANGEROUS BEASTS NEARLY KILLED YOUR FATHER, HMMMM?

A memory came to her and

CHESTERFIELD: Knocked her flat.

she shuddered with fright as she remembered the incident that changed her life forever.

JULES: She’d fallen down on the sidewalk while roller-blading…and BROKEN A NAIL!

After what happened, Adrian was arrested and placed in jail.

BORIS (as judge): Adrian, you are declared guilty for assault…yes, pushing a girl over so that she breaks a nail IS assault.
CHESTERFIELD (as Adrian): What?! I was just swatting at a bee on her shoulder…I swear…aw, shit.


The next day, he was out on bail by his father and was ordered to stay away from Rosa, but he didn’t listen.

CHESTERFIELD: He had his iPod on at the moment.

Rosa had called the police and told them that Adrian wasn’t following his parole. The police went to his house and told him to stay away.

BORIS (as police): Or you’ll need to spend some time in the time-out chair.

He “complied”. Yet, Rosa knew he was lying.

JULES: So WHY ISN’T SHE TELLING THE POLICE AGAIN?!
BORIS: ‘Cause she’s the poster child for the male chauvinist movement!


After she heard that Adrian had gotten out of jail, she took it upon herself to learn martial arts.

BOROMIR: And what use will that be? Is she expecting to take out orcs using karate-chop action?

She also made a wall around herself,

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Okay, I spread some mortar…stack the bricks on top of each other…and voila!
BORIS: No wonder everyone makes fun of her.


letting none see the pain that she was forced to endure.

JULES: FORCED to endure?

Outside she looked like a happy and cheerful young woman, yet inside there was a frightened girl who wanted nothing more than love and protection.

BOROMIR: “LET ME OUT!”
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, she’s inside Rosa; wouldn’t she get plenty of protection there?


When she was with her friends or animals, she let down her wall,

JULES: Crash!

and became the gentle, sweet, yet

BORIS: Stupid…
BOROMIR: Annoying…
JULES: Bratty…
CHESTERFIELD: Pathetic…


frightened girl she was. But when Adrian was around, it was a different story.

JULES (brightening): It was?! Come back, Adrian! I want this to be a different story…preferably one that actually respects Tolkien!

While at school, Adrian would wink and smile evilly at her whenever he saw her. Her friends stayed close to protect her.

BORIS: Adrian has got to be the stupidest villain I have ever read about.
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah; doesn’t he know better than to draw attention to the incident…whatever it was?


-------
Coming back to the present, she reminisced what has happened to her. “I can’t take this anymore!

JULES: I feel your pain, kid; I can’t take THIS anymore.

My parents don’t care about me and no one at school care what has happened to me,

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, and we don’t care, either. Shut up, will you?

the police don’t find me worthy enough to do something about it,

JULES: And again, WHAT’S STOPPING YOU FROM TELLING THE POLICE THAT ADRIAN ISN’T FOLLOWING HIS PAROLE?

the only people who care are my friends and when they leave for college, I’ll be alone!”

JULES: So? You’ll be leaving for college as well, won’t you?

she felt tears well up in her eyes her vision becoming blurry as she began to weep.

BORIS: Oh…my eyes are tearing…my vision is becoming blurry…
JULES: Why? Because you feel so sorry for Rosa?
BORIS: No, because it’s painful to read that run-on sentence.


Both Rijah and Bijan heard this and were at her side in a heartbeat.

BOROMIR: Ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom…

Rosa feeling the weight of her bed increases; felt two wet noses.

JULES (as Rosa): Argh! The Gill Man’s found his way into my room!
BORIS: Will you stop the obscure MST3K references?!
JULES (scowl): Look, I’m just showing my respect…
BOROMIR: Losing your creativity, more like.
JULES: Oh, shut up.


Looking up, she saw both Rijah and Bijan looking at her worriedly.

BOROMIR: “Oh, not another waterworks display…let’s get back down to the basement before we both drown…”

She launched at them,

JULES: Three…two…one…blast-off!

hugged both for dear life.

CHESTERFIELD: And choked them to death.

Her thoughts returned to what she was previously thinking.

*Silence. Complete, total, horrified silence*

“They treat me like dirt and call me ‘slut’, ‘bitch’, ‘whore’, and ‘white trash’.

BORIS: Hey, at least they’re being honest!
JULES: “White trash”? Does the author even know what that means?


When will I ever find someone who will be kind, caring, and love me for who I am and not judge me because what has happened in my past?” She thought.

JULES: And welcome to the Sappy, Nauseating Romance Café! Today’s special is a generous helping of cheese and corn!
*Sounds of Boris and Chesterfield retching*


She then realized one thing. NO ONE will want her.

BORIS: Except maybe the Federation for the Excessive Use of Bold Text, Underlining, and Capitalization…

This brought more tears to her eyes.

JULES (as Rosa): Man, this sucks! I wanted to join the Federation for the Excessive Use of Lowercase Letters and Chatspeak!

“Who will want ME? I know in my heart that I'm unworthy of such affections and the whole package!” She cried.

BOROMIR: For dessert, we have a cornbread-crumble cheesecake topped with melted Parmesan!
*More retching*


She sighed sorrowfully with realization that no one would want her, yet she had the little spark of hope that someone WILL want her.

JULES: That spark of hope lit the Dynamite of Despair, which blew her room and her to bits. The end.

“Yet, I only hope that someday I will find that special someone who will treat me right, protect, and love me for who I am.”

*Chesterfield and Boris throw up simultaneously*
JULES (rubbing her stomach): This is bad…VERY bad…
BOROMIR: She…nauseated even a Nazgul and an orc.


She cried herself to sleep that night, her arms around Rijah and Bijan behind her. Rijah nuzzled into her neck every now and then,

BORIS (as Rijah): Look, I mean it; I REALLY have to go outside. Let go of me and let me out!
---------------------



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(Wo)man on a Mission
When Rosa woke up a few hours later, she looked at her alarm clock and saw it was 1:23AM. She had come to a decision: she was going to

CHESTERFIELD: Have a sex change and change her name to Rob!

leave, runway and never come back.

BORIS: And she’s only deciding this NOW?
JULES: “Runway”? Is this an airport romance?


Start over somewhere new, and somewhere where no one knew whom she or her wolf dogs were.

CHESTERFIELD; Hm; I hear hell’s a pretty good place to start.

She then thought about her friends and how she would miss them terribly, but knowing it was for the best.

JULES: Considering her friends are probably all imaginary, I’d say that’s a good thing.

She got up from her bed and walked over to her computer,

JULES (sneer): That her nasty, hateful parents had BOUGHT FOR HER…

quickly she typed upped an email and sent it to her friends.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): To Bob at bob@imaginaryfriends.com, Claire at Claire@imaginaryfriends.com, Alyssa at Alyssa@imaginaryfriends.com, and Larry the voodoo doll at larry@darkvslight.com.

It reads:
To my dearest friends,

JULES: I’m sending a message onto your invisible computers. I hope you’ll send me a wonderful invisible message in return.

I’m very sorry for burdening you guys with my problems. You are very dear to me. That’s why I have to do this. I’m running away. Don’t try to find me. I can’t take what I’ve been taking my whole life.

CHESTERFIELD (miming pounding Robot!Rosa): Aaaah, help! It won’t shut up!

My parents neglected me and Adrian had done the unthinkable to me. I can’t tell you what it was.

BORIS: Okay, seriously, what DID he do to her? I mean, what’s the point of hiding it?
CHESTERFIELD: I know! He tattooed a picture of George Bush on her forehead!
JULES (shudder): That would scar ME for life…


Even though the court ordered him not to come near me, he did. He came after me. He came after me after school each day.

BOROMIR: All right, all right; he came after you; we get the point. Do shut up.

I was tired from the mistreatment. He had threatened to kill you guys if I had fought back. So I didn’t and allowed him to do what he wanted with me.

JULES: Oh, for the love of God! Adrian’s obviously a psychopath, as well as most likely a rapist…AND SHE’S NOT TELLING THE POLICE ABOUT IT?!

I know it was wrong, but I was afraid for your safety.

BOROMIR: Your invisible innards would have been scattered all over the place, and poor Larry…Larry might have been RIPPED APART!

I know that we told each other secrets, but this was one I can’t tell you. I hope you guys can forgive me. I hope to see you again, my friends.

JULES: Since, of course, you’re REAL and NOT INVISIBLE, I can’t POSSIBLY take you with me.

With love,
Rosa


After this was done, she got up with both Bijan and Rijah, whom had awoken from her rising from the bed and went to the kitchen Rijah was on one of her side while Bijan the other.

*sounds of deep breathing*
BOROMIR: Steady on…we don’t want to pass out from this one too…


They didn’t want Rosa out of their sight. She grabbed a medium bag

BORIS: No, not small, not large, but MEDIUM.
JULES: I’m STUNNED by this author’s attention to detail.


and packed it with food and some other things she and the two Wolf dogs would need.

CHESTERFIELD: Some…other things?
JULES: I’m STUNNED by this author’s attention to detail.


When she felt she had enough food, she, Rijah, and Bijan returned to her room and Rosa began to pack the necessary stuff like clothes and personal things.

JULES: “Personal things”? I’m STUNNED…
CHESTERFIELD: Shut up, Jules.


She also packed her weapons.

JULES (hyperventilating): I knew…but somehow I thought it could be better…oh, no, no…
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, relax, Jules; she’s not in Middle-earth yet.


She had a couple of guns that she had bought with her own money. She also packed extra ammo.

BORIS: WAIT a minute…how did she get money of her own?! If her parents hated her, they wouldn’t give her any, and she doesn’t work…
BOROMIR (sigh): Boris, Boris; you’re thinking too much.


Once she had everything packed that she could carry and that she would need, she, with both Rijah and Bijan at her heels, made their way to the back door of her house as quietly as possible, for fearing of waking her parents, Rosa opened the door inch by inch ‘til there was enough room for her and her Wolf dogs to get through.

*Silence*
JULES: That…was one sentence.
BOROMIR: Impressive, to say the least.


First was Rijah and once she was through, Bijan went and lastly, Rosa.

ALL (singing): Hello, hello, hello…

She made sure to close the door quietly. Once they were outside, all three made their way through the backyard

BORIS (as Rosa): Oh…shit, damn sandbox…oh…fuck, I just tripped over a tree stump…oh, that was a dead raccoon…

and headed for the forest that bordered her family’s house and land. As they reached the edge of the forest,

CHESTERFIELD: The Blair Witch reached out and grabbed her.

Rosa turned one last time and looked at the life she was leaving behind,

JULES: She was a ghost, with her brain, heart, and liver packed into the bag.

and then with that last look out of the way

BORIS (as Rosa): C’mon, last look, move it; I gotta get outta here…

she turned back towards the forest and with Bijan and Rijah at her side, they began to make their way in its deep woods.

BOROMIR: And…forests own woods!
OTHERS: Slavery!

-------
As this very moment was happening, there were people watching what was happening to Rosa.

*all are awed*
JULES: How could the author POSSIBLY know we’d be MSTing this?


They felt deep sorrow and pain for what she had been through.

BORIS: Only it was sorrow and pain for THEMSELVES, because they were forced to read about it.
BOROMIR: Too true.


They had decided that she deserved more.

ALL: YEAH! MORE PAIN, MORE PAIN!

“She deserves another chance at life,” spoke one.

CHESTERFIELD: “Of course, when we kill her, let’s just NOT bring her back to life…”

She had long flowing blonde hair. She wore a flowing pure white gown.

JULES: “Ah, my hair and eyes are like a river…all soothing and flowing…”

Her ice-blue eyes watched Rosa with warm and caring eyes.

BOROMIR: Eyes own other eyes!
JULES: Slavery!
*Chesterfield holds up a sign that reads “Emancipation for Eyes!”*


“I agree,” said a male voice. He had long auburn hair and violet eyes.

CHESTERFIELD: “A Male Voice”? That’s this guy’s name?
JULES: Boy, do I feel sorry for him.


He watched Rosa with fatherly eyes. He looked exactly like Rosa, but manly. “Yet I worry for her.”

BORIS: “Sometimes these Sues have regenerating powers; can we be sure she’ll REMAIN dead once we kill her?”

“Don’t worry, my love,” said another female as she gently stroked her husbands’ cheek.

CHESTERFIELD: Polygamous elves?!

She too, had a strikingly resembled Rosa,

JULES: Hey, that’s not fair! I wanna a strikingly resembled Rosa!
BORIS: Lame.


but instead of brown hair, she had platinum blonde hair and the same green eyes.

BOROMIR: So…polygamous elves that dye their hair?

“She will have the life she was meant to have.”

JULES: As a prostitute!
BORIS: As a suicide bomber in the Middle East!
CHESTERFIELD: As a stick insect!
BOROMIR: As a dead pigeon!


The male looked towards his wife. “I have no doubt, but will he be able to protect her for the oncoming war.” He spoke, fear clearly in his voice.

BORIS (cough): “Damn this fear in my voice; it’s worse than laryngitis.”

“If Sauron and Saruman get their hands on her, Middle-Earth will cease to exist and every being there with it.”

CHESTERFIELD: Um…I don’t see the connection.
JULES: Well, maybe Sauron and Saruman will release her into Middle-Earth, thereby causing destruction of canon…why are Sauron and Saruman being mentioned together, anyway? The author doesn’t think they were close friends, does she?


The elleth smiled and gently made her husband look into her jade eyes.

CHESTERFIELD (as elleth): You’re getting SLEEEEEPY…your eyelids are HEAAAAVVVY…

As his violet met her jade eyes,

BOROMIR: “Why, hello, jade eyes, I’m violet eyes. How do you do?”

he saw worry, understanding, and something else;

JULES: Raw, heated…LUST!!!

something that he did not know but she did.

BORIS (as elleth): Don’t worry about your virginity, sweetheart; I’ll show you what to do.

“Don’t fret, Melcindómien (Mehl-kin-doe-mee-ehn).” she cooed.

BOROMIR: And…now she’s a dove.
CHESTERFIELD: Or a cross between an elf and a dove.


Melcindómien, which in English meant “Strong-willed”,

BOROMIR: Er, no. No, it doesn’t. I’m nothing at Sindarin compared to Faramir, and even I can tell that that’s wrong.

looked at his wife Vanya (Vahn-ya),

JULES: His brother Noldo, his uncle Sindar, and his daughter Teleri.
BORIS: Clever.
CHESTERFIELD: You forgot the pronunciation guides.
JULES: Oh, shut up.


which means “beautiful” in English.

*Silence. Absolute silence*

“Rosa will triumph over Sauron and Saruman with her new friends and true love by her side.” She said.

BOROMIR: “She’ll irritate them so much that they’ll kill themselves to get away from her!”

“The Ring has been found by the Hobbit, Frodo Baggins. He and his friends are now entering Bree and they will now set into motion a chain of events that cannot be stopped.”

*Everyone makes clanking sounds*

She and the others walk to a bowl filled with water.

BORIS: “Enough chitchat; time to boil the pasta for dinner.”

They all look into and watch as the water ripples and the scene in front of them is that of Frodo and his friends,

BOROMIR: How did these elves get a replica of Galadriel’s mirror?
JULES: Gah, who knows?


before changing back to

JULES: Porn?
CHESTERFIELD: Football?


see Rosa, Rijah, and Bijan trudging towards the forest.

CHESTERFIELD: But…I thought they were already at the edge!
BORIS: At the EDGE, yes. But they have to come to the VERY CLOSEST, BORDERLINE BRINK before actually entering the forest.


“It is time,” said the third elleth.

JULES (singing): It’s the CIIRRRRCLE OF LIIIIIFFFFFE!

The other two nod. The first elleth, named Caladwen (Kah-lahd-wehn), which means “light”

JULES: WHAT?! Tolkien gave the Sindarin word for “light” in “Lord of the Rings”, and THAT’S NOT IT!!

waves her hand over the pool and watches the ripples.

CHESTERFIELD (as Caladwen): Ooh…pretty!
-------
Rosa, Rijah, and Bijan were at the edge of the forest. With the bag swung on her back, Rosa looked back at her “home”.

JULES (as Rosa): Oh, shit; I forgot my Legolas panties and my Orlando Bloom scrapbook.

“Good-bye, mom and dad. I hope you’re happy.”

CHESTERFIELD (scowling): Oh, thanks; now I’ve got “Defying Gravity” stuck in my head…
*Jules smacks him*
CHESTERFIELD: Hey! What was that for?!
BORIS: You’re forgetting that Jules actually LIKES “Wicked”.
JULES (raising fist): Don’t YOU think about making fun of my tastes too…


She then begins to make her way into the forest.

BOROMIR: Argh! Stop saying “make her way”! There ARE other words you can use, you know!

As she enters, a sweet and melodic voice rang through her mind.

CHESTERFIELD: Ding…dong…ding…dong…

Dear, child,” the voice cooed tenderly. Rosa looked around, startled.

BORIS (as Rosa): Oh, now I’m hearing voices in my head, on top of everything else!

Do not be frightened.

BOROMIR: Your death will be quite easy and painless…

You will soon know of your destiny.

JULES: Prostitute!
BORIS: Suicide bomber!


Your strong-will and unknown skills will help us all.

JULES: Oh, shit…
CHESTERFIELD: Please, please let these “skills” just be annoying people…


You bring hope and light for the future.

BORIS (as the past and present): Hey, that’s totally unfair! Why can’t we ever have any hope and light?!

Rosa didn’t understand, but she felt warmness and compassion within the voice.

ALL: WARMNESS?!

She trusted the voice and felt comforted by it.

BORIS (as Rosa): It’s the spirit of Larry the voodoo doll come back to help me…

Suddenly, all three were surrounded by light

JULES: She’s been transported to Times Square at night?

and Rosa flung her arms around Bijan and Rijah, clinging to them fort dear life.

BORIS (as Rosa): Argh! Neon signs! Don’t let them get me!

As the light got brighter, she heard her Wolf dogs howling,

CHESTERFIELD: They had just been run over by trucks.

before the light consumed her and all that was left was darkness.

ALL: HOORAY!
BOROMIR: The end!
JULES (singing): Ding, dong, the witch is dead…


TBC

ALL: NO!

AN: I’ve read over this and changed a few things, hoping it will make a lot more sense now?

JULES: Lot more sense now? What was it before, just a jumble of random words?
CHESTERFIELD: Actually that’s pretty much what it is now.


If there are still some things that don’t make sense, please tell me.

BORIS: Well, we’ve got something to do tonight!

And no flames please.

BOROMIR: We’re not flaming.
JULES: Bah. Let’s get out of here; I feel sick.
*All exit*
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(Wo)man on a Mission
Disclaimer: All things here in belong to Tolkien or New Line Cinema. Rose and Bijan is my only original creation.

JULES: You know, Phantom’s Ange, there are three kinds of people in the world: those that can count, and those that can’t. Guess which category you fall into?
BORIS: Hey, she forgot Rijah!


“Talking”
(My thoughts)
“Thinking or thoughts”
&Flashback&
(English Translations for Elvish)

BOROMIR: Jules, have you figured out what any of that means?
JULES: Nope. I’m thinking she’s just typing her favorite words at the beginning of each chapter.


“How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf’s?” Merry questioned.

JULES (as Frodo): Well, we COULD reread Gandalf’s letter…if it hadn’t mysteriously disappeared.

“We have no choice but to trust him,” replied Frodo
“But where is he leading us?” Sam asked.

JULES: “To the Emerald City, silly! I’m going to ask the Great Oz to send me home to Kansas!”

“To Rivendell, Master Gamgee,” Strider replied, “To the House of Elrond.”
“Did you hear that?” Sam said excitedly. “Rivendell! We’re going to see the Elves.”

JULES (singing): We’re off to see the elves…the wonderful elves of Rivendell…aw, screw it; it doesn’t fit with the rhythm.
CHESTERFIELD: That, my friends, is why you shouldn’t make this story into a musical.

-------------
After traveling for a few hours the next morning, Aragorn turned to see the Hobbits setting up camp.

BORIS (as Aragorn): Look, the last bathroom break was two minutes ago! I TOLD you not to eat those refried beans this morning!

“Gentlemen,” Aragorn said, “We do not stop until nightfall.”

BOROMIR: “Now, we’d better get out of here quickly before something bad happens…”

“What about breakfast?” Pippin asked.
“You’ve already had it,” Strider said, a little confused.
“We’ve had one, yes,” Pippin replied, “But what about second breakfast?”

JULES (sigh): All right, I realize this was some of the cleverest dialogue in the movie, but that doesn’t change the fact that the author’s copying it directly from the script.
BOROMIR (as Aragorn, frantic): Look, if we stop and have second breakfast now, we might end up sharing it with…


Before Aragorn could respond the wind began to pick up

BOROMIR (as Aragorn, groaning): Too late.

and there was a bright flash of light that made everyone cover their eyes.

JULES: Gah! The US has marked Middle-Earth as its test site for nuclear weapons!
BORIS: No, remember the last chapter? It’s even worse than that!


When the light and wind disappeared,

CHESTERFIELD (dramatically): The earth…was no more!

there were three bodies in front of them.

JULES: Mama Body, Papa Body, and Baby Body. Oh…and Goldilocks.

The Hobbits and Strider surround the bodies and were surprised to find that one was that of

BORIS: Elvis!
BOROMIR: Nienor!
JULES: Tolkien!
CHESTERFIELD: Nuveena!


a woman who looked like she was in her late teens.

ALL: SPOILSPORT!

She had auburn hair that was covering half her face.

JULES (in a deep voice): Hi, I’m the Bearded Lady.

They looked at her strange clothing and knew from her attire that she wasn’t from Middle-Earth.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, how’d they figure that out?
JULES: Yeah, with that atrocious fashion sense…


She had a couple of bruises and a cut that was on her forehead.

BORIS: Oddly enough, this cut was in the shape of a man’s face.
JULES: She’s been marked with evil!


It didn’t look too deep, but blood was oozing from it. Plus, she was unconscious.

*Boris and Boromir start laughing*
JULES (disgustedly): This girl is off the charts on the Pathetic-Wussy-Female-O-Meter. I mean, she’s been knocked unconscious from two measly bruises and a shallow cut on her forehead!


A bag lay just a few feet from the girl. The other two bodies were that of a dog, yet not.

*everyone stifles laughter*

All looked at the animals in curiosity, for none of them had ever seen one such as these.

CHESTERFIELD: Wait…not even Strider’s seen wolves? I can understand the hobbits, maybe, but Strider…?
BORIS: For Sauron, instead of using wolves, had started to use wolverines as his allies.


“Who is she?” Pippin asked. “And what are they?” He pointed to the dogs.

JULES: “They’re animals bred in captivity who have sadly lost all dignity and any natural instincts they were born with.”
BORIS: Good one.


“Is she alright?” Merry asked.

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Quiet, you; I’m looking for missing letter “l”s.

Aragorn checked her pulse to see if she was alive. He sighed in relief when he found it,

BOROMIR: RELIEF?
BORIS: Well, it wouldn’t look too good on his royal record if an innocent girl died while he was nearby.
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, but how does he know she’s innocent?


then he moved to check the animals’,

JULES: Yeah…
BOROMIR: Come on…
CHESTERFIELD: Uh, that’s the end of it.
ALL: WHAT?


but stopped when one began moving.

BORIS (as dog): Errrr…ptttttttt!
JULES: Oh, that was a FART? That’s disgusting.


They all gasped as the dog slowly opened its dazed eyes.

JULES (as dog): Auntie Em, is that you?
BOROMIR (as hobbits): It talks!


It looked up at the strange people with its amber eyes and growled.

JULES: “Now, what’s this about not letting Kenny keep his turtle?”
CHESTERFIELD: Um…wrong cute animal sidekick, Jules.
JULES: It’s called a riff, Chesterfield.


All stepped away as it climbed to its feet and shook its head to clear its eyes.

BOROMIR: Can shaking your head really clear your eyes?
CHESTERFIELD: No, or else my eyes wouldn’t still be bleeding from this shoddy writing.


Aragorn knew at once that this was a male.

BORIS: Yep; he can sense it with his strong animal magnetism.
JULES (Donkey): Wake up and smell the pheromones!


Once its eyes were cleared, it looked around, spotting the girl and its other companion.

ALL (as dog): ARRRGHHH! NOT HER!!!

It ran to the lady’s side and nuzzled into her neck,

JULES: LADY? There is no way in HELL I am going to call that immature, annoying bitch a LADY.

slightly pushing and whimpering. When the girl doesn’t respond, the animal pushes at her neck a little harder and whimpered louder.

JULES: And…changes tenses.
BORIS: You know, if this thing actually stayed in one tense, it would be ten times better. Well, actually it wouldn’t be…


But there’s still no response from her.

*Chesterfield starts to open his mouth*
BOROMIR: DON’T say it! You’ll jinx it!


The male moved to its counterpart, whom was female as Aragorn could tell and nuzzled it. At once, the others eyes opened and it too, stood up.

*Silence*
BORIS: Do we need to go back to English class?
JULES: Don’t worry; English is my first language, and I couldn’t understand those two sentences of meaningless drivel if I ATE a dictionary.


Aragorn slowly walks towards the two dogs, but was intently going to the woman.

BOROMIR: So…why doesn’t she just say that he walked towards the dogs and the woman?
CHESTERFIELD: Boromir, Boromir; you’re missing the point; he was walking INTENTLY towards the woman, but not towards the dogs.


The dogs, having heard and smelt his scent;

JULES: Hey, smelts! Smelts, smelts, smelts! Let’s go to Long John Silvers, Boromir!

turn to see him approaching. The female places herself over the woman

CHESTERFIELD: So, did she pick herself up in her mouth or in her paws?
JULES: Okay, Phantom’s Ange, read my lips: WORDINESS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A GOOD WRITER.


while the male crouches, growling and baring his fangs.

BOROMIR: “How many times do I have to tell you: SHE’S MY FOOD!”

Aragorn was slightly surprised, but mostly confused.

BORIS (as Aragorn): What the hell am I still doing here? I thought we were in a hurry.

Two dogs that resembled a wolf were protecting a girl it did not make sense to him.

CHESTERFIELD: Run-on sentence aside, NO DUH.
BOROMIR (muttering): Spawn of Morgoth…


Slowly he places his hands up in surrender and begins to speak to the dogs.

JULES (as Aragorn): So…where ya from?
BORIS (as Aragorn): What’s your major?


“I only wish to see if she’s unharmed,” he spoke calmly. “I won’t harm her.”

CHESTERFIELD: “…Yet.”
BOROMIR: He adds in a whisper.


The female that stood protectively over the woman studied Aragorn carefully,

CHESTERFIELD: “Blech…he hasn’t washed his hair for over a month, I’d guess…”

deciding if she should let this man near the woman.

BOROMIR: WOMAN? I’m not calling her a woman either. She’s WAY too immature and pathetic.
JULES: Yeah; it’s characters like her that are setting the feminist movement back two hundred years!


She slowly walked towards Aragorn and sniffed the hand that he lowered towards her.

BORIS: “Urgh; smells like SHIT!”

Smelling that Aragorn wasn’t lying and that he could be trusted;

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, COME ON!
BOROMIR: Trustworthiness doesn’t come with a specific smell!
JULES: Of course not; it’s a lame-ass attempt to make her cute widdle animal friends intelligent!


she grabbed a chunk of Aragorn’s clothes and pulled him towards the woman.

BORIS (puzzled): Grabbed a chunk of his clothes?
CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Eek! Where are my leggings?!

-------------------------
Aragorn was slightly surprised by the female sniffing him,

BOROMIR: Too right; I mean, that’s not normally how you greet…
JULES: Uh…it was the dog sniffing him, not Rosa.
BOROMIR: Oh.


but he knew that she was checking him. He hoped she would allow him to go near the girl.

CHESTERFIELD: To KILL…
EVERYONE ELSE: No! Don’t jinx it!


He was surprised when the animal grabbed the bottom of his shirt and practically dragged him towards the girl.

JULES: Oh, THERE’S the “chunk of his clothes”. Thanks for clearing that up, sweetie.
BORIS: This girl loves to repeat herself, doesn’t she?


When the female finally let go of him, he knelt next to the woman and began to check her over.

JULES (as Aragorn): Heh-heh; boobs; pussy; it’s nakie time!

The two dogs were watching him very closely. Aragorn sighed when he saw that the woman just had some minor injuries.

BORIS (as Aragorn, sighing): Bloody hell; she’s going to live!

Knowing that he could not properly treat her wounds where they were,

JULES: ‘Cause they were between her ass cheeks, on her vagina, and up her nose…

he moved his arms under her back and knees and picked her up.

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Oof…geez; lay off the Twinkies, would ya?

As he past the Hobbits, he motioned for them to follow.

BORIS: As he present the hobbits…?
CHESTERFIELD: As he future the hobbits…?


Grabbing all of their things as well as the woman’s, the Hobbits quickly followed, staying very close to Aragorn, being fearful of the dogs. The dogs too followed them.

BOROMIR (rubbing his eyes): Oh, dear Eru, my eyes hurt. Who would have thought excessive reading WOULD ruin your eyes?
CHESTERFIELD: Forget it; my eyes have been bleeding ever since that first sentence from last chapter.

---------------------
As they continued to travel, Pippin, being the curious one, decided to get closer to the dogs.

BORIS: Close encounters…of the canine kind!
BOROMIR: Not that I think this author knows what the word “canine” means…


Slowly he walked up to female and stretched out his hand.

JULES (as Pippin): I come in peace, O Furry, Slobbery One.
CHESTERFIELD (as Pippin): Take me to your leader.


Both dogs watch the young Hobbit closely as he made his way towards the female.

BORIS (as Pippin): Oh, shit; how can there be so many tree roots in my way?

As Pippin stretched out his hand to the female, she sniffed it

BORIS: “Smells like…raccoon shit…”
JULES (rolling her eyes): How many scenes are we going to have to sit through of dogs sniffing hands?


and deciding that he was not dangerous, began licking it.

CHESTERFIELD: “Yum; haven’t had any flesh in MONTHS…”

Pippin laughed at the weird sensation of the dogs’ tongue on his hand and began petting her.

JULES: Oh, right. Because Pippin has NEVER had a dog lick his hand before, even with all his visits to the Maggot farm. RIIIIIGGGHT…

The other Hobbits seeing that the dogs were not going to hurt Pippin got over their fright and walked with the dogs too.

*everyone twitches but, amazingly, stays conscious*

Strider looked at the Hobbits, smiling at the scene they presented.

BOROMIR (as hobbits): And now, a musical number from “Paint Your Wagon”!

As the group continued on, Aragorn was careful not to injure the girl in his arms anymore then she already was.

JULES: Than she already…I thought she only had bruises!
BORIS: Well, for Mary Sues, bruises are the equivalent of a stroke…


When he heard Pippin complain again about food, he rolled his eyes

CHESTERFIELD: Back into his sockets; they’d fallen out when he looked on the girl’s ugly face.

but when he noticed an apple tree and an idea came to him.

BOROMIR: “Hmmm…anybody got a rope so I can hang this girl from a branch?”

Maneuvering so he could hold the girl and pull an apple off the tree, Aragorn threw it over his shoulder and smiling as he heard Pippin cry out from where the apple hit his head.

BORIS: Oh, GEEZ, my eyes!
JULES (rubbing her eyes): For God’s sake, my eye doctor bill is going to be outrageous after reading this!

-------------
As they reached the Midge water marshes, Aragorn gently set the girl down and set about cleaning her wounds.

ALL: WHAT wounds?

The dogs came over to where they were and rested themselves next to the girl, watching Aragorn closely as he cleaned her wounds.

BOROMIR: Oh, for the love of Iluvatar, WE KNOW HE WAS CLEANING HER WOUNDS!!! STOP BLOODY REPEATING YOURSELF!!!
CHESTERFIELD: Whoa; is that steam coming out of your ears?


Soon, Aragorn had her bandaged

BOROMIR: He bandaged…her bruises?! Huh?!
JULES (singing): Where has all the logic gone…


and as he was putting everything away when the young woman started waking up.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): What happened last night?! All I remember is having twenty shots and then this guy was leading me to the bedroom…

The woman groaned as she came back to reality,

JULES: Oh, thank God; it was a dream.
BORIS: HALLELUJAH!


Pippin and Merry hearing her were at her side. Rosa slowly opened her eyes and gasped as

CHESTERFIELD: She saw the sign printed with the words “Mental Institution”.

two pairs of innocent eyes looked down at her curiously.

JULES (as Rosa): Stop staring at my curiously, you perverts!

She tried to move, but when she did, pain shot throughout her entire body

ALL: Kablammo!

causing her to gasp. She began to whimper in fright and again, tried to move.

CHESTERFIELD: Snow White, I tell ya. What normal person actually starts WHIMPERING in fright?

“Please don’t move,” said Merry in a soothing tone, “you’ll only injure yourself further.”

BORIS: “You might actually get some CUTS as well as your bruises!”
BOROMIR: “You could break a nail!”


“Hello,” said the cheerful one. “I’m Pippin. And this is Merry.” he said as Merry waved.

JULES: No, what he should have said is “I’m Razar, and this is Kali.” In WESTRON, not English. If you’d actually READ THE BOOK, you’d realize that.

Both Merry and Pippin strode over to where Rosa saw three more people. Two looked like children and the other was a man.

JULES (gasp): She’s about to meet Michael Jackson!
BORIS: Run for your life, Rosa…actually, don’t bother…


“Strider! She’s awake!” Merry called.

BOROMIR: “Quick, kill her before she makes any sudden movements!”

Rosa, deciding since they weren’t near her, pretended to still be unconscious.

CHESTERFIELD: Sure; roll over and play dead like a possum; there’s an idea.
BORIS: Hey, don’t complain! At least it’ll make the killing easier!


Strider came up and smiled gently at the young woman.

JULES (as Strider): Do…you…speak…Westron?

“Are you alright, milady?” he asked

CHESTERFIELD: “’Cause if you’re not, this trusty sword of mine can… (cough)…put you out of your misery…”
JULES: Ugh! He just met her!
CHESTERFIELD (sigh): I meant a LITERAL sword, as in a WEAPON, Jules.
JULES (slightly disappointed): Oh.


He had seen her try to move and heard her gasp as pain racked her body and then the whimper.

JULES: A little sentence so delightful, the author used it twice!

“I know you’re awake, little one,” Aragorn said when he noticed that she was trying to fake being unconscious.

BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Now, own up; you WERE carrying information about us to Sauron!

He could clearly see that she was frightened and judging from her attire he knew she wasn’t from Middle-Earth.

BORIS: Hey; anybody else feeling an attack of déjà vu?
EVERYONE ELSE: Hmmm…


Rosa opened her eyes and smiled shyly.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Hi, I’m Rosa, I’m a senior in high school, and I have two dogs and a stupid nickname…

“H-h-hi,” she whispered.

JULES (Porky Pig): Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!
BOROMIR (groan): If only…


“Please don’t hurt me.”
Aragorn was confused. “Now would I want to harm you, milady?”

JULES: Well, gee, what a tough question! Why don’t I check with my colleagues?
BORIS: Sauron, yes!
CHESTERFIELD: Of course!
BOROMIR: Obviously he would!


Rosa opened her mouth to speak, but closed it. “Never mind.” She whispered.

BORIS: Her three miserable brain cells had absorbed all they could take.

Even though she was frightened, she felt in her heart

CHESTERFIELD: A terrible pain, before she keeled over and died of a heart attack.

that she could trust these people, no matter how odd some of them looked.

*All facefault*

The dogs, tired of being ignored, gently nuzzled her.

BOROMIR (as Bijan): Feed me. Come on; you forgot again last night.

Rosa feeling the nudge turned to see her dogs. Her eyes widened in happiness.

JULES (as Rosa, a la Tom Servo): There’s a dollar in every envelope! My chain letter scam worked!!

“BIJAN!!! RIJAH!!”

ALL: BOLD!!! CAPITALIZATION!!! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

and hugged him close to her. “You’re both all right!!”

CHESTERFIELD: “Well, we WERE, before YOU woke up and started molesting us again.”

“I must say that they’re very protective of you.”
“What do you mean?”

BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Protective. Pro-tec-tive. As in, they take a lot of care of you. Want me to spell it out for you?

“When I tried getting close to inspect you to see if you harmed,” Aragorn said. “The male,” pointing to Bijan, “wouldn’t allow me near you until the female smelled me.”

JULES (as Rosa): Aw, Bijan’s jealous…see, he thought you were going to mate with Rijah, so, naturally…
BORIS: You seem determined to turn this into a bestiality fic, don’t you?
JULES: Well, why not? It would be about ten times more interesting.


“He, he,” she laughed nervously,

CHESTERFIELD: “She, she”…”they, they”…
BORIS: Isn’t “she she” a typical name for a poodle?
JULES: No, that’s “Fifi”.


“sorry about Bijan. He’s very protective of me and so is Rijah.”

BORIS (as Aragorn): Er…yes, that’s what I said barely THIRTY SECONDS AGO. Are you deaf?

“What’s your name if you don’t mind me asking?” Aragorn asked

JULES: Oh, for the love of God, ARAGORN AND ROSA WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER!! ARAGORN DOESN’T SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
*calming* Okay, that’s better. Shall we continue?
OTHERS: Suuuuuure…


“Rosalyn Monroe, but you can call me either Rosa or Kat if you want.” Rose replied

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): I have two nicknames! One of them is stupid beyond all reason! Beat that, O Insignificant One!
BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Well, if you insist…my name is Aragorn or Strider or Elessar or Estel or…


“Well, it’s very nice to meet you,” Strider said.

JULES: “Despite the fact that we just MET you about five minutes ago, and we don’t even know whose side you’re on, or how you know our names and our language, or why you’re dragging along two of Morgoth’s original allies, or how you appeared in a flash of light, which could be the work of Sauron…aw, screw it; let’s just kill her.”

“I am known as Strider and I see you have met Pippin and Merry,”
Rosa nodded her head.

BOROMIR: As opposed to nodding her…toes?

Slowly, she sat up with Bijan behind her helping and supporting her.

BORIS (Public Service Announcement): Doggicare provides help and support to all dogs with leukemia, or simply those who live an alternative lifestyle…

As she looked around their little campsite she saw the other two Hobbits looking at her with worried glances.

CHESTERFIELD: “Mr. Frodo, have you ever heard a grown hobbit scream?”
JULES: “Say, Sam, do you get the feeling that we’re doing something wrong by talking to this stranger?”


“That’s Frodo and Sam, right?” she asked

BOROMIR (as Aragorn): No, that’s Maura and Ban. May I ask where you are getting all these ridiculous made-up names?

Aragorn and the others look at her, surprised and confused at how she knew Frodo and Sam’s names,

BOROMIR: Which, of course, she DIDN’T…

but still both Frodo and Sam nodded in acknowledgement.

JULES (as Frodo and Sam): Sure…call us whatever you want…whatever…this bint is DEFINITELY insane…

“May I inquire on how you know our/they’re names?” everyone asked in unison.

*laughter*
CHESTERFIELD: All FIVE…in unison?!
JULES (singing): Pris’ners of love…blue skies above…


Rosa decided to tell them about her world and how she knew about them, leaving off important information about the Quest and the Ring.

JULES: “’Cause I’m SURE they’ll believe me if I tell them that in my world, they’re fictional characters in a book!”
*others look at Jules*
JULES: Wha—oh. Never mind.


Once finished, Sam and Frodo started to converse with Strider and both Merry and Pippin sat with Rosa.

BOROMIR (as Sam): Right, Mr. Frodo, while Merry and Pippin are distracting her, you and I will sneak up on her with our blades…
CHESTERFIELD (as Strider): If that fails, I’ll just swipe off her head with this sword here…


“Who’s this?” Pippin asked, pointing to both Rijah and Bijan.

JULES: They’re your WORST NIGHTMARE!! Hahahahaha!

Rosa smiled and started petting both Rijah and Bijan, making sure to rub them behind their

*Jules opens her mouth, only to have it covered by Boris*

ear.

JULES: I was going to say that!
BORIS: Uh-huh, sure…
JULES: I WAS!


Both, enjoying the attention, closed their eyes and moved their heads closer to Rose’s hand and began to growl in content.

*Jules imitates porn music before Boromir slaps her*

Merry and Pippin were “oohing” and “awing” at the sound of their growling.

BOROMIR: So they’ve never heard dogs growl before, either?
JULES: They’re probably growling Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony or something.


“Theis is Bijan and Rijah,” Rosa said as she smiled at her dogs, which laid next to her in content.

CHESTERFIELD: Bijan and Rijah ARE the “Chickens of Tomorrow”!

“My wolf dog companions and guardians.”

JULES (announcer): NOT available at your local toy store. Yet.
BORIS: Don’t forget the trademark.

-------------
It had been six days since Rosa, Rijah, and Bijan met Aragorn and the Hobbits,

BORIS: Who were now wholeheartedly regretting taking the newcomers with them.

and since leaving the marshes, the travelers arrived at a hill on which the ruins of an old watchtower laid.

*Jules and Chesterfield make chicken noises*
BORIS: All right; after this, I call no more chicken jokes.


Rosa kept mostly to herself while recovering. Both Rijah and Bijan stayed close by to keep an eye on her.

CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): Oh, surprise, surprise.
BOROMIR: Do these dogs do anything ELSE but keep an eye on her?


Rosa was slowly starting to trust Strider and the Hobbits.

JULES: They’d been carrying her wallet for her and hadn’t stolen a cent from it.

Even though they hadn’t shown her in intentions of harming her, every time Strider touched her arm, she stiffened and moved away.

BORIS: “You dirty, rugged old pervert! You are unworthy to look upon my stunning beauty, reserved only for pretty-boys who look unnervingly like women!”

Strider saw that he was making her uncomfortable and left her alone.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, well, here’s an idea: LEAVE HER BEHIND.
JULES: Come on, Chesterfield; that would actually make sense!


The only time she let him touch her was when he changed her bandages.

BOROMIR: Oh, yes; the bandages on her bruises. (snort)
BORIS: Why in the name of Sauron would Strider WANT to touch her? I’d be avoiding her like the plague.


She seemed a lot calmer around the Hobbits,

JULES: As they were slipping tranquilizers into her bread and cheese every night.

even though whenever they asked what her life was like back on Earth, she became timid and changed the subject.

CHESTERFIELD (as hobbits): So, Rosa, what’s the most sexually-arousing dream you’ve ever had?
JULES (as Rosa): Um…heh, heh…let’s form a stiffs club!


Aragorn knew right then and there that something terrible had happened to her back on Earth.

BORIS: Of course! She’d broken a nail!
JULES: No, she had a picture of Bush tattooed on her forehead!
CHESTERFIELD: No, she’d forgotten her Legolas panties!
BOROMIR: No, she couldn’t get into the Federation for the Excessive Use of Lowercase Letters and Chatspeak!
*all stare at Boromir*
BOROMIR: What?
JULES: How the hell do you REMEMBER that?
BOROMIR (shrug): It’s a gift.


He felt sympathy for her and helped stray the conversation to something else whenever it strayed towards her life.

CHESTERFIELD (a la Donkey from “Shrek”): Ya’ve probably seen a dog stray, maybe even a lamb stray, but I bet you ain’t never seen a CONVERSATION stray!

Whenever that happened, he was rewarded with a grateful smile from Rosa.

BORIS: Though he wanted a cash prize instead.
-----------------------
As the days went on, Rosa felt a bond with each of her new friends.

BOROMIR: Due to the fact that Strider had tied her hands with a rope and was leading her along.

With the Hobbits, it was a brother/sister bond

JULES: In six days?!
BORIS: Well, THAT was unrealistically fast.


and with Strider a big brother/father bond.

JULES: Both? Ew…
BOROMIR: Jules!


Even though she was still very timid and shy,

JULES: Will you stop saying that?! We get the fucking point!
BORIS: God, I love redundancies so much I like them!


she began to feel comfortable with them. They soon reached Weathertop.

BOROMIR: Wait, didn’t they reach Weathertop two paragraphs ago?
JULES (snort): I think Rosa’s doing more than slowing them down; I think she’s making ‘em walk backwards.


“This was the great watchtower of Amon Sûl,” Aragorn said.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey; she put the accent in!
JULES: Despite the fact that she got the name of the Elvish language wrong!


“Also known as Weather-top.” Rose commented.

BORIS (as Aragorn): Shut up, you silly little tart; you’re stealing my spotlight.

Aragorn looked at her and nodded his head in agreement. The turning to address the Hobbits he said, “We shall rest here tonight,”

BOROMIR: There’s a “turning to address the Hobbits” along with them as well?
JULES: But Tolkien made it clear there are no “turning to address the Hobbits”s in Middle-Earth!


The Hobbits were quite happy to rest as Strider fetched a bundle from Bill, the bundle containing four small swords, which he gave to the Hobbits.

BORIS: You might want to try eating that dictionary now, Jules.
CHESTERFIELD: I thought Bill was the name of the pony, not the bundle.


“These are for you,” he said, “Keep them close.

JULES (wince): Oh, geez; this is even more awkward and nonsensical than it was in the movie! Oh, Tom Bombadil…
BORIS: What movie?
JULES (wince): Never mind.


I’m going to have a look around. Stay here. Rosa, please come with me.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Robot!Aragorn): You and I are compatible. We both talk like this. In very short sentences.

Rosa made her way towards Aragorn and

BOROMIR (disgusted): Oh, my Eru, if she says “made her way” one more time, I am going to…
JULES: Don’t think about it; just riff.


Bijan started to follow her, but Rosa stopped him.

BORIS (as Rosa): No, for the last time: I DON’T HAVE ANY NEW CHEW TOYS FOR YOU!

“Stay with the Hobbits and protect them, please.” Rose whispered.

*Boris and Chesterfield start laughing*
JULES (bad 50s announcer): It’s important to be polite and always say “please” and “thank you” even to your pets…


Bijan growled and Rosa knew he was concerned for her safety.

BORIS: No, you stupid slut; he was concerned about the lack of chew toys. You can’t train a dog to be so concerned for your safety.

She smiled. “If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll take Rijah then.”
With a nod from Bijan,

CHESTERFIELD: Whoa…the dog nodded!
JULES: Dude, did the author even READ that?


Rijah joined both Aragorn and Rosa. Bijan watched the three leave and as soon as they were out of his sight, he went back to the Hobbits.

BORIS (as Bijan): Now, which one should I eat first? Hmmm…how ‘bout the fat one?
----------------
As they left the Hobbits alone on Amon Sûl, Rosa voiced her concern.

JULES (as Rosa): Well, see…I’ve…well…I’m…having…female trouble, and…I…forgot my supplies…

“The Nazgûls are following us, Aragorn,” she said.

*Boris starts choking with rage*
JULES: Oh, really; how can you put the accent in and yet say “Nazguls”? Puh-leeassse…


Strider stops mid-step and looks at her surprised, yet he nods.

CHESTERFIELD: “Look, shut up, okay? You state the obvious even more than Legolas does!”

“I know,” he replied, “Let us hope that we find them before they find the Hobbits.” Rosa nodded in agreement.

BOROMIR: What is with all this nodding?!
JULES (announcer): Bobble-Head Doll Theater presents: An Elf’s Love!


The two searched the wasteland around Amon Sol,

*laughter*
BOROMIR (wiping tears of laughter from his eyes): I shan’t even count how many times she gets the names wrong…


swords at the ready in case there was any sign of a Nazgul.

JULES: Wait, SWORDS?! When the hell did Rosa get a sword?!
BORIS: Aw, Strider probably brought it to her in Bill the pack.


Then all of the sudden they hear the screech of the Nazgul coming from the watchtower,

ALL (as Nazgul): You did WHAT with my best friend?!

their cries sending chills down Aragorn and Roses’ spines.

JULES (singing): Doodley, doodley, doodley, doo…

“Rosa!” shouted Strider, “We have to get back to the watchtower!”

BOROMIR: “Wait, did I say ‘we’? I meant ‘I’! No, stay there…oh, shit!”

Both Rijah and Rosa nodded and began to make their way back towards the Hobbits.

*Boromir starts growling and clenching his fists*
BORIS (nervous): Oh, no…not again…


As they saw the campsite come into sight,

ALL: ZOOM IN!

both ran as fast as they could to the top of the watchtower. When they reach the top, both can see the Nazgul advancing on the Hobbits.

JULES: Insert fake sportscast here.
-------------
Bijan was protecting the Hobbits, growling and snapping at the Nazgûl

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah, he was REALLY doing a good job of protecting them.
BOROMIR: Why haven’t the Nazgul hacked that dog to bits by now?


when they came to close the young Hobbits.

*Jules pulls out a dictionary and chews on it*

“Back you devils!” Sam yelled, lunging at the nearest Nazgûl. He and Bijan lunged at them,

BORIS: Thank you, Phantom’s Ange; I really didn’t know whether they lunged at the Nazgul or not.

but Bijan was thrown away, yelping in the distance.

JULES (as Bijan): To infinity…and beyond!
CHESTERFIELD: How do you “yelp in the distance”?


“BIJAN!” all Hobbits yell.

ALL: “BOLD!”

Sam was thrown away,

JULES (gasp): He wasn’t recycled?!

and knocked unconscious after hitting his head as he landed next to a broken stone pillar.

BORIS: Okay, that was anticlimactic.
JULES: Anybody reading this thing would immediately assume NEVER to take hobbits along on a journey.


Merry and Pippin moved in front of Frodo, trying to hide him from the Witch-King.

CHESTERFIELD (as Merry and Pippin, a la Wizard of Oz): Pay no attention to that hobbit behind the curtain!

But they too were easily thrown aside.

BOROMIR (snort): Well, so much for that spark of courage hidden in every hobbit…
JULES: How the hell did YOU know about that?
BOROMIR: Gandalf told me.


Frodo was now left alone and so scared was he

*Much laughter*

that he dropped his sword in his haste to get away.

JULES: Okay, look; he’s not that weak or stupid! It doesn’t work in the movie and it doesn’t work here, damn it!

He was quivering in fright, as he lay sprawled on the ground, trying to crawl away from the approaching Nazgûls.

CHESTERFIELD (as Nazgul): Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty…
BOROMIR (as Nazgul, singsong): Come out, come out, wherever you are!


As the Nazgûl were advancing on him, there came a shout from above…

JULES: THIS IS ILUVATAR. WHY ART THOU NOT FIGHTING WHEN CLEARLY THOU ART NOT SUCH A PATHETIC WUSS, FRODO?!

“HEY, UGLY!!!”

*all gasp*
JULES: Oh…SCORCHING!
BORIS: That insult just cut me deeper than a knife!


The Nazgûls stopped as they, along with the now conscious Hobbits, looked up and saw both Rijah and Rosa.

JULES: “All right, ya crummy rats; Henry Kissinger says ‘Merry Christmas!’”

Her face was hard and her eyes cold with hatred.

BOROMIR: Oh, so she’s been frozen into an ice sculpture.

Rijah ran down and stood in front of the Hobbits, keeping an eye on the Nazgûls.

BORIS (as Rijah): And now I blast you with my X-ray eyes!

All watched amazed as Rosa jumped and flipped,

CHESTERFIELD: Slipping on a banana peel and falling flat on her back.
JULES: After a pause, the Nazgul, Strider, the hobbits, and the dogs all started laughing hysterically.


landing protectively in front of Frodo, her Elvin blades drawn and in her hands.

JULES: Wait…what the…BLADES?! She’s got TWO swords now?!
BOROMIR: ELVIN?!
BORIS: She flipped and landed in front of…what?!
CHESTERFIELD: How can this be…?
*everyone looks at each other and the same thought dawns on them*
ALL: MOOOOOORRRRRGOTTTTTHHHH!


In the moonlight, her blades glistened.

BORIS: Ooh…shiny!

The Witch-King and the other Nazgûls stared at her.

JULES (as the Witch-King): Look, lady, we’ve got a hobbit to kill and a Ring to take; would you mind moving it?!

Then Witch-King stepped forward, slowly followed by the others.

BORIS (as the Witch-King): Oh, you mangy, slacking cowards…I ALWAYS have to do the dirty work, don’t I? One of you can easily stab her, but, oh, no; it’s always the Witch-King that has to take on every single duty because you imbeciles can’t be assed to…

Frodo quickly stood and ran behind Rosa, grasping her shirt in fear.

BOROMIR: Oh, Eru, she’s turning Frodo into a SNIVELING COWARD!
JULES: Geez; even Peter Jackson didn’t ruin Frodo this much!
CHESTERFIELD: Who’s Peter Jackson?
JULES: Argh!


Rosa shuddered with fright, but she wouldn’t let the Witch-King see how he frightened her.

BOROMIR (as Rosa): I’m shaking with cold, damn it! I am NOT scared, so don’t you even think it; it’s the freezing night air! Did I mention I’m NOT SCARED? Well, I’m n-n…HELP!

“You want him? You’re going to have to get by me first, ugly!” She challenged,

*gasp*
BORIS: Oh, that INSULT again…
CHESTERFIELD (as the Witch-King): You hurt my feelings! Boo-hoo!


running her blades across each other, proving her point.

BOROMIR: Which is…what?
JULES: “Running her blades across each other”…probably something Freudian.


The Nazgûls screeched, causing Frodo to gasp and tighten his grasp on Rosas’ shirt.

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): Rosa, they don’t like clothes from Wal-Mart! Look, change your shirt or I’ll pull it off for you!

“You cannot win, human. HE will have you,” The Witch-King hissed.

BORIS: Oh, my…WHO will have her?
JULES: Tolkien?


Then without warning, he lashed out with his sword towards her.

JULES: “Lashed out”? Okay, seriously; I’m so fed up with this girl’s attempt at elaborate language that I’m starting to hate her.

On instinct, Rosa quickly pushed Frodo away so he wouldn’t get struck and swung her blades,

BOROMIR: Immediately stabbing them into her feet.

blocking the Witch-Kings’ attack. She didn’t know what made her do this, but it felt natural.

*Silence. Dead silence*

“When did I learn how to do that?!” she thought.

JULES (quiet but deadly): When indeed.
BOROMIR: Oh, Eru, this is bad…
CHESTERFIELD: This isn’t possible…


She came out of her reverie when she heard the Witch-King screech in rage.

JULES (as the Witch-King): Goddamn it, who IS this little whore?! I’M supposed to strike fear into the hearts of men; she shouldn’t be able to even FACE me!
BORIS: DAMN STRAIGHT!


She dove in an attempt to attack, but he too blocked it.

CHESTERFIELD: Parry, parry, thrust, thrust…

Suddenly, the Witch-King grasped another blade and swung it towards Frodo, but Rosa, seeing this; ran in front of Frodo, and took the stabbing from the blade instead.

*A pause. Then…*
ALL: ARGGGGGHHHH!!! NO!!! LET US OUT!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
*Unfortunately, no one hears their screams. The only other sound is that of an evil laugh*


Frodo went wide-eyed as he saw Rosa take the blow that was meant for him.

*All are wide-eyed and still screaming*

Rosa gasped from the pain the wound caused; her blades fell from her hands as she fell to her knees.

*All gasp from the pain the story has caused; they fall to their knees*

The Witch-King removed his blade from Rosa as he and the other Nazgûl hear shouting and roaring.

BORIS: It was US!!! Gah!
JULES: Oh, my God; not even the WORST Sues I’ve read have stolen Frodo’s role in the adventure!


Rosa grasped her injured shoulder and let out a blood-curdling scream.

*Everyone lets out a blood-curdling scream*

She had never felt pain like this before in her entire life.

CHESTERFIELD: No, we’ve…wait a minute. Has anyone noticed how our reactions have been EXACTLY the same as in the story?
*A pause, then wild, hysterical laughter. The only other sound is a disappointed sigh*


Suddenly, she saw Strider and Bijan run in front of her. Strider had a torch in one hand and his sword in another.

JULES (Joel Robinson): Hey, look; it’s Speedy Delivery Guy, and has he got a package!
*Chesterfield snickers*


Rosa fell onto her back, gasping in pain and panic,

BORIS: Hey, aren’t those the names of two Disney villain sidekicks in “Hercules”?

the Hobbits and Rijah ran to her side to see if there was anything they could do, but none of them knew how to treat wounds such as this.

BOROMIR: Oh…(fake sniffle)…too bad, so sad.
BORIS (sigh): Oh, well…guess we’ll just have to DO WITHOUT HER…


“ROSALYN!!” the Hobbits cried. In a flash, Frodo was at Roses’ side.

JULES: Okay, seriously; I’m starting to wonder whether the author works for the Capitalization Company or Super-Emphasis.com.
CHESTERFIELD: I’d say Capitalization Company.
BOROMIR: Probably the latter.

-------------
At that moment, Rijah felt red-hot anger boil in her

CHESTERFIELD: Until she burst into flames.

and she began attacking the Nazgûl, making sure to avoid their blades. Both Strider and Bijan soon joined her.

JULES: But, naturally, it’s one of the DOGS that takes the initiative…
BOROMIR: Yes, Strider the bloody slacker.


Strider set fire to a Nazgûl as Bijan chased after some of the others, sometimes clawing at them.

BORIS: You know, it’s a funny thing how this is supposed to be an action sequence and yet it’s more boring than the Wall Street Journal.
JULES: Phantom’s Ange has apparently been taking lessons from Robert Jordan.


Rijah saw that Strider and Bijan could handle the rest so she joined the Hobbits. Strider chased one off Weathertop, but he did not know where the last one was.

CHESTERFIELD: So he decided to leave Weathertop and go have an ale.

After looking around, he saw that it was trying to sneak towards the Hobbits, Rijah, and Rosa.

JULES: Yeah…get on with it…
*Boris makes exaggerated snoring noises*


Strider turned and threw his torch at it, catching it on fire and causing it to run away, screaming.

BORIS: Okay, I’d just like to point out right now that we Nazgul are NOT afraid of fire, NOBODY can get close enough to set us on fire, and…
JULES: Oh…blame PJ if you’re so pissed off about it.


Merry, Rijah, Bijan, and Pippin had joined Sam and Frodo at Rosa’s side.

CHESTERFIELD (as Merry, poking Rosa): Hey…you dead yet?
JULES (as Rosa, a la “Cool Runnings”): Yah, mon…


Frodo was holding her hand in his, gently caressing her cheek to comfort her. Sam held her other. Bijan was whimpering while nuzzling her.

JULES (scowl): Yep, of course. She steals one of the roles of the characters and zing; they’re her slaves for life!
BORIS: Hmmm…maybe I should use that technique for getting slaves of my own.


Rosa’s face was in pain. She looked at Frodo before whimpering, “Oh, Frodo,”

JULES: “Oh, Frodo…ooh, yes…oh, suck me RIGHT THERE…”
BOROMIR: Jules!


“Strider!” called Sam, “Help her, Strider,” he pleaded.

JULES: “She’s stealing me lover from me!”
BOROMIR: Jules, if I hear one more…
JULES: Sorry, sorry; I couldn’t resist.


Strider ran to their side and picked up the blade beside Frodo. Frodo looked scared and worried.

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): Have you been noticing that since this girl joined up with us, things aren’t…right?

“Please save her, Strider,” Frodo begged, tears falling from his eyes.

JULES: Oh, BARF.
BORIS: Hey, Jules, if I run out of vomit, can I borrow some of yours?


Strider looked at him, concern and sadness in his eyes. “She saved my life.”

BOROMIR: “Therefore, I must be her slave ever after! How may I serve you, O Mighty Sue?”

“She’s been stabbed by a Morgul blade,” Strider said, grasping the blade and threw the handle down when the blade vanishes.

BORIS: Grasping…vanishes…
JULES: Forget it; even I can’t understand it. Moving on.


“This is beyond my skill to heal. She needs elvish medicine” He said as he lifted Rosa into his arms and the guided the group from Weathertop.

JULES (cooking-show host): Dialogue copied right from the movie script is the perfect finishing touch to a lousy chapter garnished with grammar mistakes, canon errors, and general stupidity.

-------------
Pippin and Merry carried torches as they ran through the forest, heading east.

BORIS (announcer): This year’s lighters of the Olympic torch are…Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took!
*applause*


Nazgûl screams could still be heard in the distance, Rosa screamed in response.

JULES (as Nazgul, singing): Old MacDonald had a farm…
CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa, singing): E-I-E-I-O!
JULES (as Nazgul, singing): And on that farm he had a cow…
CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa, singing): E-I-E-I-O!
BOROMIR: So…she and the Nazgul are having a sing-along?


They could hear the Nazgûl getting closer, so Bijan allowed Frodo to ride him

BORIS: And the connection is…?
CHESTERFIELD: Nothing.


as Rijah, whom was in the front, allowed Merry and Pippin ride her in hopes of speeding up their progress.

BOROMIR: But what about Sam?!
JULES: Bah; Sam is fat and NOT CUTE; he doesn’t deserve a ride on Rosa’s speshul animal sidekicks.


“Hurry!” said Strider
“We’re six days from Rivendell,” said Sam who was leading Bill, “She’ll never make it!”

BORIS (as Strider): Hmmm…well, if you put it like THAT…everybody stop! We’re having a party right now!

“Have a hope, Master Gamgee,” said Strider, “Have a little hope and faith.”

BORIS (singing): I’ve gotta have faith…
JULES: Shame on you, Boris; using such an obvious riff.


He felt Rosa groan in pain.

BOROMIR: Felt…?!
JULES: Don’t make me sing the “Five Senses” song from “Barney”, Phantom’s Ange!


“Hold on, Rosa,” Strider prayed, “Hold on for me and the Hobbits.”

BORIS: “So we can have the pleasure of KILLING YOU OURSELVES!”

“STRIDER!!!” Rosa yelled. “RIJAH!

CHESTERFIELD: Capitalization Company.

BIJAN!!!!!”

BOROMIR: Super-Emphasis.com.
CHESTERFIELD: But there was capitalization in that too!
JULES: Score: three for Capitalization, two for Super-Emphasis.

---------------------
They took rest in a clearing; Strider, Merry and Pippin were all watching for the Ringwraiths.

JULES (as Ringwraiths jumping out of the trees): ‘Ello!

Both Rijah and Sam were at Rosas’ side while both Frodo and Bijan stood next to Strider.

BORIS: While Pippin and Merry were five inches at a forty-five degree angle from Strider. Solve this math problem.

“Miss Rosa?” said Sam, gently touching her face. It was cold!

JULES: Oh, whoopdy shit.

He looked to Strider, fear in his eyes. “She’s gone cold!”

CHESTERFIELD: “Yeah, Phantom’s Ange TOLD me, thanks.”

“Is she going to die?” Pippin asked. He looked from Rosa to Strider with tears in his eyes.

BOROMIR (as Pippin): PLEASE let her be about to die…PLEASE let us soon be rid of her…

Rosa’s eyes had turned from her beautiful jade green to a blue/silver.

JULES: What…the…fuck?
BORIS: I’m not even going to ask.


“She’s passing into the shadow,” Strider said, as he looked her over, “She’ll soon become a Wraith like them.”

BOROMIR: Funny; I don’t think there’ll be much change involved, what with how obnoxious she is.
JULES: Well, she’ll be wrapped in a black cloak, but considering her horrific fashion sense, that should be a blessing.


Rosa made a strange, choking sound and the Nazgûl replied with their blood-curdling screeches.

JULES (as Nazgul): No! Sing out; we can’t hear you anymore; we’re doing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat!”

Rosa screamed loudly and closed her eyes.

ALL (as Rosa): ROW, ROWWWWW, ROWWWWWWWW…!

Frodo, Pippin, and Bijan were at her side instantly.

CHESTERFIELD: But…they were already at her side!

Frodo reached out and laid a gentle hand on her forehead.

JULES (as Frodo): Say, Rosa, what’s this tattoo on your forehead of the man with outsized ears and a puzzled look on his face?
BOROMIR: At that, Rosa screamed even louder and died right on the spot from shame.


“I’m so sorry, Rosa,” He repeated this over and over. Both Rijah and Bijan whimpered as they stared at Rosa, helpless to help her.

JULES (slapping her forehead): If I have to read ONE MORE WORD about how Rosa is in so much pain and how everyone wants to help her but can’t, I am going to rip my eyes out.
*Meanwhile, Chesterfield is busy throwing up*


Frodo looked at Strider whom was at her side, looking her over. He was surprised by the look in her eyes.

BORIS (as Strider): Oh…I forgot to take out her contact lenses! Sorry, Rosa.

“She’s fighting against the Ring wraith,” He said, looking to Frodo. Frodo could detect that Strider’s voice was full of pride.

*All facefault*

“She’s trying to stay in the light, but she’s getting weaker and weaker.”

JULES: Well, that’s what happens when you spend all your spare time in a tanning salon.

Strider smiled, the others looked at him strangely; “I must say she has quite a strong willpower against the Wraiths,”

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): Oh, shut up! I could have fought those wraiths even more strongly than she could!
BORIS: So that gives him an excuse to fawn and grovel over her?!


They look at Rosa as she fought internally; she gazed at the group and gave them a weak smile.

JULES (as Rosa): I have been chosen…I am going off to a better place…

“She’s determined to stay with us.”

BOROMIR: “Unfortunately…”

“They’re close,” said Merry as the Nazgûls cried out again.

ALL (as Nazgul, singing): Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…

“Sam,” said Strider. Sam is by his side in an instant. “Do you know the Athelas plant?”

JULES: “No, but I bet you can find the lyrics online. Yuk, yuk, yuk.”
CHESTERFIELD: Ba-dum-CHING!


“Athelas?” repeated Sam, a little confused.
“Kingsfoil,” said Aragorn.
“Kingsfoil, aye it’s a weed,” said Sam, slightly understanding.

BORIS (as Druggie!Sam): Ooh, that’s good weeeeeeeeed…

“It may help slow the poisoning. Hurry!” said Strider, as he and Sam left to find the Athelas.

BOROMIR: So he’s telling Sam to hurry when he’s going himself.
OTHERS: Yep.
BOROMIR: And he could have gone himself without sending Sam to look for it.
OTHERS: Yeah, pretty much.
BOROMIR: I get it now.
JULES: Really?
BOROMIR: No.

-------------
While Sam and Strider were looking for the weed, a light slowly beamed on Rosa.

JULES: Hey, she’s being abducted by aliens!
CHESTERFIELD: What right-thinking alien would WANT her?


She looked towards it, seeing a figure.

BOROMIR: Yes, thank you; could you be any VAGUER?

A white horse came to the clearing with an elven rider. As the rider dismounted the horse, she spoke to Rosa.

BORIS (as rider): Oh, is it ANOTHER one of you? I swear if you DARE claim to be my long-lost sister, you’ll get your head chopped off before you can say “Sue.”
JULES (as Glorfindel): My Eru! Is it THAT hard to put me in the story?!


“Rosalyn, I’m Arwen.

JULES (creepy little kid voice): “Wanna be my friend?”

Telin le thaed. Lasto beth nîn, tolo dan na ngalad (I am Arwen. I have come to help you. Hear my voice. Come back to the light).”

BOROMIR (groan): Oh, as if the irritating punctuation guides weren’t enough, now we have to have English translations right after the Elvish.
JULES (scowl): Not to mention lines copied word for word from the movie’s script…AGAIN.


Rosa looked away, gasping.

BORIS (as Rosa, gasping): I KNEW I should have brought my inhalers along…

“Who is she?” asked Merry as the Elf and Aragorn bent over Rosa.
“Rosalyn.” said Arwen, kneeling next to her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Merry): Look, I KNOW that, I meant the elf.

“She’s an elf,” said Sam
“She’s fading,” said Arwen. Aragorn put some Athelas in Rosa’s wound.

BORIS (as Aragorn, putting athelas on the tip of his sword and stabbing it into the wound): Die, you bitch!
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, how else do you put athelas IN a wound?


Rosa’s eyes widened, making the choking sound again.

JULES (as eyes): Gasp…choke…suffocating!
BOROMIR: How do you make a choking sound through your eyes?


“She’s not going to last,” Arwen said. “We must get her to my father.”
Aragorn lifted Rosa and began to walk towards Arwen’s horse, Asfaloth.

JULES: Well, Glorfindel’s horse, really, but whatever floats your boat.

The others follow behind them wanting to know what was going on.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, isn’t it obvious?! My Saruman, did everyone in this story take stupid pills?

Strider placed Rosa onto the horse and she groans a little in pain.

JULES (as Rosa): Ouch…tense changes…Owwwwww…

“I’ve been looking for you for two days. There are five Wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know.” Arwen said.

BORIS (glare): Well, one of ‘em’s UP HERE, thanks to Morgoth…
BOROMIR: Oh, hush; we’re all in this together.


“Dartho guin Berian. Rych le ad tolthathon (Stay with the Hobbits, I will send horses again for you).” said Strider.
“Hon mabathon (I’m the faster rider).” said Arwen, “Rochon ellint im (I’ll take her).”
“Andelu i ven (The road is too dangerous).” said Strider.

CHESTERFIELD: Uh…Jules, aren’t you going to riff?
JULES: Nope. Copying lines from the movie script is just one of the joys of being a lazy author who can’t think of anything original to save her life.
BORIS: Oh, have some pity, Jules; she’s probably got only three brain cells, like her character.


“What are they saying?” Pippin asked.

BOROMIR: Read the translations, Pippin; Phantom’s Ange put them in for a reason!

“Ae athradon i hîr, tûr gwaith nîn beriatha hon (If I can get across the river, the power of my people will protect her). I do not fear them,” said Arwen.

*Jules makes snoring noises*
BOROMIR (shaking his head): I only saw Arwen briefly, but she never looked like much of an adventurer to me.


Frodo came forth and all looked at him.

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): Look, I’m not kidding; something is DEFINITELY wrong with this picture, and I can’t figure out what.
BORIS (as Frodo): Can we please just leave her to die?


“I’m coming too,” he said. “She protected me and saved my life”

BOROMIR: So…in return, he’s going to take up room on the horse and be an extra burden?
CHESTERFIELD: Nah, as a self-proclaimed slave of Rosa, he’s got to be at her beck and call at all times.


Strider shook his head. “No, Frodo, you cannot…”
“NO!” Frodo shouted.

*all jump*
JULES: Jesus Christ, Frodo; turn on the loudspeaker full blast, why don’cha?
CHESTERFIELD: Capitalization Company.


“I’m going.” Strider sighed defeated.

BOROMIR (as Strider): Look, freedom is precious; you shouldn’t give it up.
JULES (as Sam): Didn’t the Haggadahs read at last year’s Passover Seder mean anything to you?
*all stare*
JULES: What?
BORIS: There are no Jews in Middle Earth, Jules.


He picked up Frodo and sat him in front of Rose. Arwen then climbed up behind Rose.

*all are laughing at the ridiculous picture of three people on a horse*

“Arwen,” he said, “Ride hard. Don’t look back.”

JULES: “Ride me…”
BOROMIR: Don’t even think it.
JULES: But I wasn’t…I mean…crap.


Arwen spoke some Elvish to her horse and rode away. Rijah and Bijan started to go after their pup,

JULES & BORIS: What…the…fuck?!
BOROMIR: Well, it looks like that particular phrase will replace “Thar she blows!” as the most commonly-used riff.


but Aragorn stood in front. “No, Rijah, Bijan. The Hobbits will need your protection.”

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, WHAT protection? They were a real big help with the Nazgul!

They both started growling at him and Aragorn sighed,

JULES (as Aragorn): Look, can’t you growl something else, like maybe the “Lay of Leithan”? I’m getting a little tired of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.

“I know you want to go with Rosa, but she would want you to watch after the Hobbits.”

BOROMIR (as Rijah): No, she’d want us to be at her side so she can assault us and cry all over us!
BORIS (as Bijan): You REALLY don’t know this touchy-feely, wangsty bitch, do you?


Both stopped and knew Aragorn was right. They bowed their heads and whimpered. Aragorn petted them for reassurance.

JULES (as Aragorn): Look, it’s all right; you still have some dignity left.
CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Soon your evil mistress will be dead and everything will be fine.


“What are you doing?!” shouted Sam, “Those Wraiths are still out there!”

JULES (John Dickinson from “1776”): No, Sam, the Wraiths are in here! In this Congress!

“Oh dear,” said Pippin as he watched the lady elf ride off with his two friends.

BORIS: WHAT two friends?
CHESTERFIELD: Asfaloth and Frodo, of course! Not to mention his newest worst enemy.


“Come now, Hobbits” said Strider, “We’re still a long way from Rivendell”

JULES & BORIS (singing): It’s a long way to Tipararee…

Strider, Bijan, and the three Hobbits continued their journey to the Last Homely House (A/n: I got that from The Hobbit).

CHESTERFIELD: Wow! Do we care? No.
JULES (as Phantom’s Ange): I managed to get through “The Hobbit”, and it was over ONE HUNDRED PAGES!
*all gasp overdramatically*


TBC

JULES: Morgoth is SO going to pay for this…
BOROMIR: You can’t get revenge on him; he was a Vala!
JULES: A girl can dream, can’t she?


AN: A New version. Please R & R and please, no flaming.

CHESTERFIELD: Boy, R & R DOES sound good right now…
JULES (panting): We CAN get through this…as long as there are no more chapters like this one, we’ll survive…
*All exit*

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(Wo)man on a Mission
Disclaimer: All things here in belong to Tolkien or New Line Cinema. Rose and Bijan is my only original creation.

BORIS: She forgot Rijah again!
BOROMIR (as Rijah): All right, that’s it! I quit! I’m not working in this bloody awful story if I get no recognition for it!


“Talking”

JULES: Oh. My. God. I just figured it out…she’s actually TELLING us that quotation marks indicate dialogue!
BORIS: Oh, for the…she is so fucking stupid.
CHESTERFIELD: Either that or she thinks WE are.


(My thoughts)
“Thinking or thoughts”

BOROMIR: So what’s the difference?
JULES: Probably original thoughts as opposed to thoughts copied from the script.


&Flashback&

CHESTERFIELD: Owww…
BORIS: No, she’s indicating the font type for flashback; it’s not a real one.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh. What a relief.


(English Translation for Elvish)

JULES: Ah, yes; the same “Elvish” in which “melcindomien” means “strong-willed”, “vanya” means “beautiful”, and “caladwen” means “light”. Tolkien obviously didn’t create it, but who cares?!
BOROMIR (muttering): And she said I have an unnervingly good memory…


Arwen rides through a forest when the Nazgûl appear, one by one.

ALL (as Nazgul, singing): Hello, hello, hello…!

As she rides, a branch nicks her cheek and it begins to bleed.

BOROMIR: The branch?!
BORIS: No, her cheek, obviously.
BOROMIR: Well, she didn’t make that clear.
JULES: Yeah; if we’ve got dogs that growl music, we can have bleeding tree branches.


Amongst the trees and over open spaces they ride.

JULES (singing): Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go…
CHESTERFIELD: The author must feel “smart” using a word like “amongst”…


One rides close to Arwen,

*Jules imitates the sound of a car horn*

reaches for both Rosa and Frodo,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, what the…so he’s gonna take one of them in each of his hands?!

but is too far away to get them. Frodo holds onto Rosa,

BOROMIR: Uh, oh…*covers Jules’s eyes*

whom comes in and out of her daze.

*Boromir uncovers Jules’s eyes*
JULES: What was it? Another “whom” used in the wrong place?
*Boromir nods. Jules takes a deep breath*
JULES: Thanks, Boromir, old pal. I needed that.


“Noro lim Asfaloth (Ride faster Asfaloth)!” Arwen said.
As they continue, Arwen tries zigzagging in order to loose them,

*Jules imitates Super Mario Brothers music*
CHESTERFIELD: ‘Cause we all know the Nazgul are far-sighted and can’t follow objects moving barely two feet away from them.


but they’re hot on her trail.

BORIS: They’re STEAMIN’!
CHESTERFIELD: Warm as toast!


She finally reaches the Ford, and stops on the other side.

BOROMIR: Without even bothering to cross it?
JULES: She teleported to the other side, of course!


The Nazgûl steeds stop before touching the water, clearly not wanting to enter the River.

BORIS: “Hey, what’s it mean by ‘No Diving’?”

Some prances around, and cries out in fear.

CHESTERFIELD (as Nazgul, fearfully): PHANTOM ANGE’S GRAMMAR SUCKS ASS! AAAAAHHHH!

One of the Nazgûl turns towards Arwen.

BORIS (as Nazgul): How the hell did you get across the river so fast?!
JULES (as Arwen, magician): I shall now perform my greatest trick…presto, va-voom! I’m gone!


Frodo holds onto Rose,

CHESTERFIELD (sarcastically): Oh, thanks, so what else is new?

frightened for him, but mostly for Rose.

*All facefault*

“Give up the Halfling and human, she-elf!” the leader Nazgûl orders.

CHESTERFIELD (as Arwen): No! Mom said I didn’t have to share them!
JULES (singing): I’m keepin’ my baby…


“If you want them, come and claim them!” Arwen challenges,

BORIS: “Look, you lazy sods, I fuckin’ teleported to this side of the river; if I can do that, you can ride across!"

drawing her sword. The Nazgûl raise their swords

JULES (French taunter): Ah wave ma prahvate parts at yer aunties, you wipairs of uzzer people’s bottoms…!
BORIS: Okay, would you just shut up with the sword-euphemism jokes?
JULES (scowl): You guys are no fun at all.


and ride into the water. Arwen begins to chant.

JULES (as Arwen, “Monty Python” monks): Keyrie su domine…donne me is requiem…*hits herself in the head with a book*
CHESTERFIELD (as Arwen): I can teleport…na, na, na-na, na!
BORIS (as Arwen): Baroch a-ta Adonai…
BOROMIR (confused): So she’s going to frighten the Nazgul off by chanting?
BORIS: They’ll probably be scared off by her atrocious singing voice.


“Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer,

JULES: Aw, shit, did you HAVE to use the chant from the movie?! Our ideas were MUCH more creative than yours!
CHESTERFIELD: Is it THE movie?
JULES: Yes, now shut up.


Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulair! Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulair

JULES: Whee! It’s Christmas in Microsoft Word; just look at all the red and green!
BOROMIR: Hmmm…there may be hope; Phantom’s Ange is using real Sindarin now.
JULES: That’s ‘cause she COPIED IT WORD FOR WORD FROM THE MOVIE SCRIPT, Boromir.


(Waters of the Misty Mountains listen to the great word;

CHESTERFIELD: Ah; sounds like Focus on the Family stopped by the Misty Mountains.
JULES (singing): Jesus loves me, this I know, ‘cause the Bible tells me so…


flow waters of Loudwater against the Ringwraiths)!” Arwen chants.

BORIS: Hey, she chanted it in English too!
BOROMIR: Yes, for those stupid, illiterate, American river currents which haven’t studied Sindarin…
JULES: Hey! No American slurs allowed!


Slowly, the water level rises. A great sound is heard, and everyone turns towards it.

CHESTERFIELD (as Arwen): Oh, Eru, Rosa, did you do that?! What HAVE you been eating?!
JULES: Frodo falls off the horse as the awful stench overpowers him.


A great flood comes around a bend, with peaks like horses galloping.

BOROMIR: “Peaks”?
JULES: Hmmm…we’ve either got mountains or breasts being swept down the river; neither seems particularly plausible…


The Nazgúl tries to get away;

BORIS: While the others just stand there stupidly.

some tries to get back to the bank and some flee down the river, but in vain.

BOROMIR (deadpan): For the grammar is screaming in agony.

The flood gets them all

CHESTERFIELD (as flood): Hahaha! Now I have you in my clutches, and you will never escape!

and washes them away.

JULES: And for good measure, it drops mountains on their heads and smothers them in breasts.
BORIS: Both of which look like horses galloping.


Arwen looks after them,

BOROMIR (as Arwen): Oh, dear; I was supposed to BABYSIT the Nazgul, not wash them away! What will Sauron say when he finds out?!

when Rosa starts to fall from Asfaloth.

BORIS: But gets her pants caught on the saddle horn, ripping them in half.
CHESTERFIELD: As she’s wearing Barney panties, everyone laughs, and she dies from embarrassment.


Arwen lays her on the ground.

BOROMIR (as Arwen): Maybe if I just bury her here, nobody will be able to find her, and nobody will guess that I was involved…

“No! Rosa…No!

JULES: “You wear BARNEY UNDERWEAR? Oh, I can’t believe it; that’s rich!”

Rosa, don’t give in! Not now!” Arwen cries, embracing Rosa.

BORIS: Come on, Arwen; stop the sadness charade and jump for joy! We know you want to…
JULES: Shhhh; elves aren’t SUPPOSED to be happy when people die…for her own sake, she has to fake it.


Frodo cries softly.

BOROMIR (as Frodo, sniffling): I feel so…abused…and…neglected.

As Arwen embraces her, Rosa could hear Arwen’s voice in her head.

BORIS: “Rosa, you are stupid…”
CHESTERFIELD: “And pathetic…”
BOROMIR: “Nobody loves you…”
JULES (Jason Fox): “And the craters on your face would make Neil Armstrong wax nostalgic…”
*pause*
JULES: What?
CHESTERFIELD: Jules, you have to ask?


“What grace is given me; let it pass to her… Let her be spared… Save her.”

BOROMIR: “But just ignore Frodo…after all, he’s only bearing the burden of the Ring.”
JULES: Sadly, quite fitting.


Before Rosa falls unconscious; she speaks; “Frodo.”

BORIS (as Frodo): Oh, THANK YOU for finally paying SOME attention to me!
CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): Yeah, I’m only carrying the Ring here…

------------
The next thing Rosa could hear was a gentle male’s voice.

JULES (psychiatrist): So, Rosa, tell me; when did you start having these delusions?

“Lasto beth nin. Tolo dan nan galad (Hear my voice, come back to the light).”

BORIS (as Elrond): Just in case your body doesn’t respond to Sindarin, I’ve provided you with an English translation!

Rosa slowly opened her eyes to see herself lying in a white bed.

BOROMIR: My Eru! Her soul is floating outside her body!

She felt slight weight on her stomach

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Eek! I’m pregnant!

and looked down to see Rijah’s head resting there and her arm on Rijah’s neck.

JULES (as Rosa): Argh! Rijah’s and my body parts are falling off all over the place!
BORIS: Ah, so Rosa’s a ZOMBIE now. I get it.


She smiled. She then heard a snort and looked

BOROMIR: To see a herd of water buffalo in the doorway, ready to charge.

at the foot of the bed she was resting in to see Bijan, sleeping.

BOROMIR: Thank you for that little detail. I thought she looked at the foot of ANOTHER bed in the room.
JULES: Any of you ever heard a dog snort?


Again, she smiled and somehow both wolf dogs knew she was awake.

ALL (as wolf dogs): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

They opened their eyes and yawned. Rijah looked at her and her tail began wagging.

JULES (Barf): Heh, heh, sorry ‘bout that…it’s got a mind of its own, heh-heh…

Rosa squealed when Rijah began licking her all over.

BOROMIR: ALL OVER?! Surely you don’t mean that!
BORIS: Oh, Sauron, these perverted bestiality scenes are all over the place! What is WRONG with Phantom’s Ange?!
JULES: I told you!


“RIJAH!!” Rosa laughed.

CHESTERFIELD: That’s one for Capitalization Company…
BOROMIR: And one for Super-Emphasis.com.


Bijan soon joined in and Rosa laughed at being glomped by her furry companions.

JULES (weakly): “Glomped”? “Furry companions”?
BORIS: Even I can’t make fun of something so disgusting.
*Meanwhile, Chesterfield grabs a barf bag and retches into it*


After what felt like an eternity of being licked, both canines stopped.

JULES (as Bijan): Can you pull down your panties so I can lick your…
OTHERS: NO!


Rosa dried her face and then hugged them dearly, being mindful of her wound. “Oh, I missed you guys!”

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah, for all of what? Five minutes?
BOROMIR: I think it was supposed to be days, but how could she have missed them when she was unconscious?


Both canines barked in agreement. Rosa laughed softly.

JULES (scowl): Oh, man, this scene is bringing back so many unpleasant memories of the “Airbud” movies.
BORIS: Did somebody from the Disney Company write this thing?


Both Rijah and Bijan licked Rosa one more time

JULES: Ugh…
BORIS: Hurk…
BOROMIR: Again?!


and settled next to her. Rosa then looked around at her surroundings.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Okay, I’m in a dark, damp room, lit by only a single torch, I’m handcuffed to the wall, and there are whips and rusty spikes hanging from the ceiling. I wonder what this will mean for me…

“Where am I?” she says.

JULES: You’re in a shitty fanfic that sucks more than a vacuum cleaner.

“You are in the house of Elrond. And it is 10 o’clock in the morning, on October the 24th if you want to know.”

ALL (startled): Yah!
BORIS: Who’s talking?!


Rosa, slightly startled, looks to her right. She sees a kindly old man dressed in grey.

JULES (enraged): That’s IT?! A “kindly old man dressed in grey”?! You described Rosa’s PARENTS and the CIRCUS OWNER in more detail than that!
BOROMIR: Jules, calm down.
JULES: Calm down? CALM DOWN? She’s reduced one of my all-time favorite characters and one of the most powerful beings in Arda to a senile, eccentric old guy, and you expect me to CALM DOWN?!


“Gandalf?”

CHESTERFIELD: “No, Saruman!” the wizard yelled with an evil laugh, after ripping off his cheap Gandalf Halloween mask.
BOROMIR: Saruman then vaporized her with a blast of light from his staff.


Gandalf nods, a twinkle in his eye.

BORIS (as Gandalf, snickering): Hmmm…should I tell her she has bird poop in her hair? Nah…

“Yes. I’m here. And you're lucky to be here too. A few more hours and you would have been beyond our aid. But you have some strength in you, my dear.”

JULES: That was what he actually said to FRODO! Arrrrghhhhhh!
BOROMIR: Why is he calling her “my dear” anyway? He just bloody met her! He shouldn’t even TRUST her!
CHESTERFIELD: Look, you two; just riff. That’s all it takes.


He petted Bijan gently and he closed his eyes.

BORIS (as Gandalf): Hmmm…I’m Olorin, and I’m petting a specimen of Morgoth’s spawn…what’s wrong with this picture?
CHESTERFIELD: Boris, come on. You’re just criticizing this thing; you’re not even being funny anymore…
JULES: Because this FIC isn’t funny anymore!


“What happened, Gandalf? All I remember is being stabbed by a sword, the Nazgûl calling me,

JULES: “For some reason, he asked me ‘What color panties do you have on?’ and then hung up the phone.”

and the rest’s a blur.” Rosa asks.

CHESTERFIELD: Obviously, Rosa needs glasses.

She then remembered the others.

JULES: Oh, about bloody time, Miss I-just-got-to-Middle-Earth-so-I’ll-hog-the-spotlight.

She frantically looked around.

BORIS (snort): Oh, yeah, she actually expected them to be there when she woke up? What an egotistical little scumbag.
JULES: They’re probably HIDING from her right now.


“Where are the others?! Are they all right?

BORIS (as Gandalf): To answer your first question: they’re in therapy right now after traveling with you for so long. And to answer your second question: if you hadn’t WOKEN UP right now, they WOULD be all right.

Did they make it.”

JULES (as Gandalf, in a monotone): Please state that in the form of a question.

“Slow down, my child,” Gandalf said, laying a soothing hand on her shoulder.

*everyone makes electric hand-buzzer sounds*

Rosa stiffened, yet made herself relax.

BOROMIR (as Rosa): Sorry; I’ve been stiffening for so long that it’s become a habit.

“The others are fine and yes, they made it.” Gandalf said and Rosa sighed in relief.

BORIS (as Rosa): Thank God! Six days isn’t long enough to seduce all five of ‘em!

“And to answer your previous question, yes, you were stabbed by a Nazgûl blade.

CHESTERFIELD: Uh…that WASN’T one of her previous questions.
BOROMIR: But remember: in this story, Gandalf is a senile old codger.


His sword would have killed you if you hadn’t gotten here in time.”

BORIS (as Rosa): Oh, thank you, Gandalf! I NEVER would have guessed it; I thought the pain from the blade would just go away if it was left alone!
JULES (groan): I swear, EVERYBODY in this story is stating the obvious, not just Orlando!Legolas! It’s contagious!


They both hear the door open and turn to see

BORIS: Paper boy!
CHESTERFIELD: Milkman!
BOROMIR: Singing telegram!
JULES: The Jehovah’s Witnesses!


Sam and Frodo enter the room.

CHESTERFIELD: “Hey, is she dead yet…oh, hello, Rosa! How nice to see you awake!”

“Rosa! Rosa!” both hobbits yell excited that she was alright.

JULES (Leonardo DiCaprio): “You’re so STUPID, Rosa…why’d you do it? Huh? Huh?"
BORIS (in a falsetto): You jump, I jump!


“Bless you, you're awake!” Sam cries. Rosa giggles.

JULES (sigh): The more Rosa giggles, the more I hate her. She’s not only setting women’s rights back hundreds of years, but women’s intelligence.

She was earned with hugs.

JULES (as Prostitute!Rosa): Okay, that’s five bucks for the whole night, but if you wanna eat me out, all I need’s a hug!

After being with them, she had grown fond of their hugs.

CHESTERFIELD (public service announcement): Get a hug from a hobbit and save the life of a child with cancer!
JULES: I’m expecting the hobbits to start singing “All You Need is Love” right now.


“Both hobbits hardly left your side.” Gandalf says.

BORIS: “In fact, I had to chase them out when I saw Frodo bending over you with a pillow and Sam with a syringe, about to inject poison into your arm…”

“Frodo, Rijah, and Bijan stayed by your side mostly. Frodo stayed because he felt guilty for what happened to you.”

JULES: Oh, Jesus Christ…so now Frodo has an INFERIORITY COMPLEX or something?!
BOROMIR: Well, he DID act like a sniveling coward in the last chapter.
BORIS: Look, I was there on Weathertop, and this is all just so wrong I can’t put it into words.


Rosa looks at Frodo to see him looking down.

JULES (as Frodo): Hmmm… forgot to groom the hair on my feet this morning…

Sam placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. She gently lays a hand on his other shoulder and Frodo looks up.

BOROMIR (as Frodo, dangerously): Don’t touch me, you disgusting little piece of Nazgul dung, or you’ll be dead before you can say “disgusting.”
CHESTERFIELD: That’s not very nice!
BOROMIR: No, he was talking to Rosa, not Sam.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh; well, in that case, it’s okay.


She was little taken back by the emotions that plagued his eyes. There was anguish, grief, and regret.

JULES (as Frodo): My Eru, what’s gone wrong?! Why did we EVER take this girl with us? She’s bewitched everyone; even Gandalf’s forgotten about me!
BORIS (as Frodo): I’ll NEVER forgive myself for not taking advantage of that opportunity…I should have pushed her into the swarm of Nazgul when I had the chance…


She smiled weakly at him, which he nervously returned.

BOROMIR (as Frodo): Oh, Eru…NEVER smile again, Rosa…

“It’s not your fault, Frodo.” She coos.

BORIS: And Rosa turns back into a pigeon, ladies and gentlemen.
JULES: Maybe this is a Harry Potter crossover and she’s an Animagus…
CHESTERFIELD: Don’t make it worse, Jules!


“With the Ring you’re carrying already a burden, I didn’t want you to be stabbed and have another burden to be added.”

*Jules retches*
CHESTERFIELD: Sounds like SOMEBODY wants to keep Frodo out of the Undying Lands.
BOROMIR: Jules…are you all right?


She smiles. “I’m glad it was me and not you.” Frodo smiles.

BOROMIR (as Frodo): Can we stop smiling now? My facial muscles hurt.
BORIS (as Phantom’s Ange): No! Mwahahahahaha!
CHESTERFIELD: Jules? Aren’t you going to say anything?


She then hugged him, Frodo being careful at her wound.

BORIS: Remember, kids; always be careful at Rosa’s wound. Don’t talk to strangers, look both ways before you cross the street, and stay away from the railroad tracks.

“We were that worried about you, weren't we, Mr. Gandalf?” Sam says.

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Well, if by “that worried” you mean overjoyed and excited for her to die…er, I mean, yes, yes, you were very worried.

Releasing Frodo, Rosa turned to Gandalf, “This wound will never heal, will it, Gandalf?”

JULES: Oh, God, if Rosa’s allowed to go to the Undying Lands, I am going to scream and…
BORIS: Look, take it easy, would you? We’ve got a long way to go before getting there.
JULES (scowl): Oh, thanks; that makes me feel so much better.


The hobbits do too.

ALL: Er…what?

Gandalf sighs sadly. “No, it won’t, my child.”

JULES: Oh, for the love of…it’s bad enough she had to turn Gandalf senile, and now she has to make him into a priest as well?!
CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Bless me, father, for I have sinned…I raped canon, I patronized Frodo, I called the Nazgul names, and I’ve been having impure thoughts about Bijan and Rijah…


Rosa sighs, but smiles when both hobbits hug her.

BOROMIR: Argh! Enough hugging! This is starting to make me ill!
BORIS: I bet they’re going to hold hands and sing hippie songs now…


Rosa then turns to Gandalf. “Who healed me then, Gandalf?”

JULES: “Well, you should know, you idiot; you’ve seen the movie at least one hundred times!”

“By the skills of Lord Elrond, you're beginning to mend.” Gandalf says.

BOROMIR: “But whether you’ll CONTINUE to mend is quite a different story…(cough)”

Elrond appears behind Gandalf.

ALL (as Elrond): Boo!

Rosa gazes warmly at Elrond

CHESTERFIELD: How do you DO that?
JULES: Do what?
CHESTERFIELD: Gaze warmly.
JULES: Um…her gaze…makes him…sweat?
BOROMIR: But he’s an elf!
JULES (throwing up her hands): Then I’ve got no idea.


and then bows her head in respect. He bows his head in return from the greeting.

ALL: Head butt…head butt…

“Welcome to Rivendell, Rosalyn Monroe.” Elrond says.

JULES: “Mr. Anderson”…sorry, I just had to do that…

Diola lle (Thank you), Lord Elrond for healing me.” Rosa says, yawning.

BOROMIR: “Diola”…what IS she saying?
JULES: Dunno, but it sure as hell isn’t “thank you”.
CHESTERFIELD: Wouldn’t it be funny if it was actually an insult, and Elrond was so upset he actually punched her?


Elrond smiles warmly at her.

CHESTERFIELD: Aw, damn.

Lle creoso (You’re welcome).” Elrond replies.

JULES(music teacher): Now, let’s pick up the tempo to a nice lle creoso in four-four time.

Everyone was very surprised that she could speak Elvish, except Elrond and Gandalf.

BORIS: Probably because they KNEW SHE WASN’T EVEN SPEAKING ELVISH.

“Where were you, Gandalf?” Frodo asked. “Why didn’t you meet us?”

CHESTERFIELD: “Because your stupid girlfriend here RUINED THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS!”
BOROMIR: Accurate, when you think about it.


“I am sorry, Frodo,” Gandalf apologized. “I was delayed.”
As he explained Saruman’s treachery, Rosa felt her eyes begin to droop.

JULES (as Rosa): Oh, this is SO boring…I’ve seen this in the movie, like, fifty times now…

Both Gandalf and Elrond saw this and knew she was very tired from the wound and desired sleep.

BORIS (as Rosa): I’m special, I’m REALLY special…I’m the only person in the world who gets tired from sleep!
JULES: Rosa Monroe, destroyer of logic and the laws of physics.


She tried to hide a yawn, but everyone saw it.

CHESTERFIELD: “Oh, that’s disgusting, Rosa! When’s the last time you brushed your teeth?!”

Gandalf and the Hobbits smile.

JULES (singing): Smile…you’re on Candid Camera!
BORIS: Geez; with all the smiling going on, you’d think this was a Wal-Mart commercial.


“I suggest we leave Rosa so she can rest.” Gandalf suggests.

BOROMIR: “And then when she’s asleep, we can sneak back with some cyanide and a sword…oh, bloody Morgoth; I have GOT to stop speaking my thoughts out loud!”

Both Sam and Frodo nod.

JULES (singing): Smile…now you’re a bobble-head doll…and you’re on Candid Camera!
BOROMIR (disgustedly): Nodding and smiling…smiling and nodding…doesn’t ANYBODY in this fic do anything else?!


“Come.” Elrond gently orders.
Sam starts and when he doesn’t see Frodo,

JULES: Hmmm…I guess that when there are Mary Sues around, it’s perfectly okay to put on the Ring.
CHESTERFIELD: Come on; even Gandalf has to sympathize with his decision.


he looks back to see him still beside Rosas’ sleeping form.

BOROMIR: Argh! As if ONE Rosa wasn’t enough, now we have to deal with an ARMY of them!
*all shudder*


Rijah had fallen asleep as well.
“Mr. Frodo?” Frodo looks at Sam.

BORIS (as Sam): Mr. Frodo, have you been hitting the pipeweed once too often?

“I’m going to stay here with Rosa.”

ALL: D’OH!

Sam was reluctant to leave, yet nods.

BORIS: “Well, FINE, Mr. Frodo, be that way! Just don’t come crying to me if she bewitches you again…”
JULES: “I thought you loved me, Mr. Frodo! Wah!”


Frodo then lies next to Rijah,

CHESTERFIELD: So “staying with Rosa” has to entail climbing into bed with her?
JULES: Hey, Frodo, slaves are not worthy to sleep with their mistresses! Bad hobbit!


whom awakes from the movement,

*Jules screams loudly, then abruptly calms down*
BORIS: Feel better?
JULES (sigh): Only slightly.


but falls back to sleep seeing it was Frodo.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rijah): Oh, yeah, everything’s okay; it’s just my mistress’s new slave…

Bijan stays awake a little longer to make sure no danger was a foot

BORIS: Sure; why doesn’t he check to see no danger is a FIST?
CHESTERFIELD: How about he checks to see no danger is a COCK?


and when there was none, he too fell asleep.

BOROMIR (yawning): And I think I shall follow his example…
JULES: Hey, slow down; we’ve gotta wait for the TBC!


TBC

JULES: Bingo…now let’s get outta here…
BORIS: Right, before we have to see any more hobbits groveling over Rosa…
*all exit*


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(Wo)man on a Mission
(MSTier’s note: the reference to “Gus the Gassy” in this chapter comes from two fanfics by Mina-chan AMD and Nari-chan SND, on fanfiction.net)

*all four enter the theater. Jules is carrying a remote control*
JULES: WHY would Morgoth give us a remote control? I mean, it’s not like we can control where these fics start and stop.
CHESTERFIELD: Who knows? Maybe it’s some weird inside joke of his.


Disclaimer: All things here in belong to Tolkien or New Line Cinema.

JULES: Well, sort of.

Rosa, Rijah, and Bijan are my only original creation.

BORIS: She remembered Rijah this time, but she still doesn’t know how to count.
BOROMIR: Hmmm.


“Talking”

CHESTERFIELD: All right, you idiot; anybody over six KNOWS quotation marks indicate dialogue! Stop insulting us!

(My thoughts)

BOROMIR: “Her” thoughts? She actually HAS thoughts?
BORIS: Yeah, but they’re basically “I love Leggy!” and “Rosa is cool!”


“Thoughts”

ALL: GET ON WITH IT!

&Flashback&

CHESTERFIELD: OWWWWW!
*pause*
CHESTERFIELD: Just practicing.


(English Translation for Elvish)

JULES: A.k.a. Gobbledygook.

Three days have passed since the encounter of the Ringwraiths

CHESTERFIELD: And the mailman STILL hasn’t shown up!

and Rosa was able to look around Rivendell with her hobbit friends and Rijah and Bijan.

BORIS (as Rosa): I KNOW that goddamn secret treasure chest of fate is here somewhere…

The Elvin city was captivating.

BOROMIR: ELVIN?
JULES: WHAT city?


When she had read the book, she tried to envision the city’s beauty from the authors’ perspective,

JULES: Oh, yes; “the author”. To add insult to injury, she doesn’t even know Tolkien’s name!
BORIS: Author?


never imagining the magnificence of the true Rivendell that lay before her, was breathtaking.

JULES: All your base are belong to us!
CHESTERFIELD: Someone set us up the bomb!


She felt at peace being here and all her worries were washed away as she gazed at the city.

BOROMIR: You know, that city just outside the valley of Rivendell.
BORIS: She ACTUALLY thinks it’s a city.
JULES: Yep.
BORIS: Wow, even *I* realized it wasn’t a city, and I never even found it. This is pathetic.


As she, Sam, Frodo, Rijah, and Bijan continued their tour,

JULES (tour guide): Okay, this is the valley of Rivendell…to the right, trees. In the center, Elrond’s house. To the left, more trees. Oh, and lots and lots of rocks and flowers and a waterfall.

they met up with both Merry and Pippin. Their eyes widen in shock.

BORIS (as Pippin): How did she…Sam, you were supposed to inject poison into her!
CHESTERFIELD (as Sam): Hey, don’t blame ME, blame Gandalf.


“ROSALYN!!!” Pippin yelled, happiness in his voice.

CHESTERFIELD: Plus capitalization.
BOROMIR: Plus too much emphasis! She DOES work for Super-Emphasis.com!


“You’re all right!” Merry joined

BORIS: The PPC right after that.
JULES: The Democratic party.


After their recovery from seeing her out of bed,

BOROMIR (shiver): It would take them longer to recover from THAT trauma than it took Rosa to recover from the wound.

they each gave her a huge bear hug,

*Everyone makes gasping and choking sounds*

being mindful of not touching her wound.

BORIS: Yeah, whatever the hell that means. Sure.

This made Rosa laugh wholeheartedly.

JULES: It’s HEE-larious, folks.
BOROMIR: Rib-tickling.
BORIS: Knee-slapping.
CHESTERFIELD: So funny I forgot to laugh.


Ever since she had been transported to this world, she felt at peace and at home.

JULES: Despite the lack of indoor plumbing, electricity, computers, malls, swimming pools, hot dogs…aw, who was she kidding? Being stuck in this world was horrible!

Today, she was wearing a white dress that went to the floor,

CHESTERFIELD (gasp): No way!
BOROMIR: She was wearing a white dress that went to the floor…how frightfully exciting!
JULES: The author’s being descriptive, so that means it HAS to be a good story!


yet she didn’t trip.

BORIS: Oh, WHAT a relief…that would have been a calamity to rival even the downfall of Numenor.

It was outlined with gold lining. Her hair was that in a French twist.

JULES: Hey, she’s being even more descriptive! See? It’s a good story.
CHESTERFIELD: Yep.


As all seven continued their tour, Frodo introduced Rosa to Bilbo.

BOROMIR (as Frodo): Hey, Uncle Bilbo, look what we picked up on the way to Rivendell! Can I keep her?
JULES: Er…that was weird.


“Uncle Bilbo,” Frodo said. “I’d like for you to meet the beautiful Lady Rosalyn.”

BORIS (as Bilbo): WHAT beautiful lady Rosalyn? All I see is some hideous little bint with red hair standing next to you…oh, that was awkward…,sorry, Rosalyn, sorry…

Rosa blushed from being called “beautiful”.

CHESTERFIELD: Probably didn’t realize that Frodo was being ironic or sarcastic.
JULES: Or else he was just trying to be charming, American-fashion.


“I’m not that beautiful, Frodo.”

*Boris whistles*
CHESTERFIELD: Burn!
JULES: Why, do I sense that we’ll need these extra barf bags in the near future?


“Nonsense!” Pip and Merry chimed in.

ALL: WHAT?!
JULES (handing out barf bags): Guess I was right.


“You are certainly very beautiful.” Sam said blushing.

*Everyone vomits*
JULES (wiping her mouth): So now ALL FOUR of the hobbits are her devoted slaves?!
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, the OOCness…it hurts, it burns us, precioussss…


“Thank you, you four.” Rosa said.

BORIS: “As a reward, you’ll get a pudding with your dinner tonight.”

“Thank you, my dear,” Bilbo thanked, hugging her.

ALL: ARRGGHHH!
BOROMIR: So now even BILBO immediately loves her?!


“For protecting Frodo from those terrible Ringwraiths.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Bilbo): Do you have room in your slave quarters for one more hobbit, my dear?

Rosa nods her head. “I was only doing what I thought was right, Mr. Baggins,”

JULES (as Rosa): Oh, you’re too kind…you flatter me…I hate being the center of attention…ha, I LOVE being the center of attention!

“Please,” Bilbo says. “Call me Bilbo, Lady Rosalyn.”

CHESTERFIELD: “O, wise, all-powerful Lady Rosalyn, how may I serve you?”
BORIS: “I am not worthy of a title in your wonderful presence.”
JULES (dryly): Nice to know Rosa’s ego didn’t suffer from the Morgul blade.


Rosa smiles. “Then call me Rosa or Kat.”

BORIS: What is with that stupid nickname?!
JULES: Why does she even keep MENTIONING it when no one’s using it?!


As she conversed with Bilbo and he telling her about his adventures,

CHESTERFIELD (as Bilbo): You know, once I came across a girl just like you, and Gandalf said they were called Mary-Sues, and were evil…oh, my Eru, bring me Sting, quick!

they never knew they were being watched.

BORIS: My Sauron…
JULES: Phantom’s Ange is GOOD…

---------
“Her strength returns.” Elrond says.

ALL: “Unfortunately…”

“That wound will never fully heal. She will carry it the rest of her life.” Gandalf exclaims.

BOROMIR (snort): Well, that was a VERY quiet exclamation.

Elrond looks at Gandalf and nods in agreement.

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Oh, no, I accidentally turned Elrond into a bobble-head doll!

“I have examined her sword and weapons.”

JULES: Well, seems like a sword isn’t a weapon after all, Boromir.
BOROMIR: I feel so humbled.


Elrond walks to the table where her weapons laid.

*Jules opens her mouth*
BORIS: NO MORE CHICKEN JOKES!
JULES: Shit.


He looks at one of her Elvin blades, taking it in his hand.

BORIS: Right, the blades that just appeared out of nowhere in her hands.
CHESTERFIELD: There’s that “Elvin” again.


He looks it over, seeing some Elvish that looked ancient.

JULES (as Elrond, reading it): It says “Made in China”.

Gandalf follows. “So you too?”

JULES (as Gandalf): So you too? You like?
BORIS: So now Gandalf’s some stereotypical native from an old racist movie?


Elrond nods, gazing at the blade carefully.

BORIS (as Elrond): “Made in China”…what DOES that mean? Oh, here’s more: “Good for one birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.” Hmmm…

“Rosalyn isn’t who she is.”

JULES: But if she IS it, then that would mean that…oh, Lord, am I confused.
CHESTERFIELD: That sentence just broke my brain.


Gandalf looks at him. “Oh?”

BOROMIR (as Gandalf): Note to self: pretend that statement made sense and that you understand perfectly.

Elrond looks at Gandalf.

JULES (singing): He looked at me, I looked at him, he sized up me, I sized up him…

“She’s the prophesied one. She’s a Sun child.”

JULES: Ah; she’s a hippie!

Gandalf raises an eyebrow.

BORIS: I think Gandalf’s as clueless as we are.
JULES (as Gandalf): Elrond, I think it’s time you sailed for the Undying Lands.


“She was born on the day when the planets and the sun aligned.”

JULES: Oh, COME ON…
BOROMIR: Does she not know ANYTHING?
BORIS: Okay, so she was born when Arien stopped to chat and have a cup of tea with Earendil and Elwing. So WHY IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE HER SPECIAL?


Elrond continues. “Once she reaches her 20th birthday, her true form will be revealed.

BOROMIR: I’d just like to point out that her 20th birthday would be two years later.
JULES: Making her “speshul” involvement in the Quest COMPLETELY inexplicable.


It is she that will bring the downfall of Sauron.”

BOROMIR (as Gandalf): What are you saying? Are you saying that I made Frodo bear the burden of this Ring for NOTHING?
CHESTERFIELD: Seems that way.


“What of Frodo and the Ring?” Gandalf asks.

BORIS (as Elrond): Geez, Gandalf, you killjoy! I was just getting into why Rosa is so important and special, and you had to go and spoil it all!

“He, too, will be Sauron’s downfall,” Elrond says,

BORIS: “I just forgot him; heh, heh, heh…”

“but it is Rosalyn whom will battle him head-on.”

JULES: What the Sam Langhorne hell?!
BOROMIR: So what in Eru’s name did Sauron create this Ring for, then?
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, I mean, this new plot twist pretty much makes the Ring useless.
BORIS: How is she supposed to battle a Maia spirit in the form of a giant flaming eye head-on?!


Elrond looks at Gandalf. “She knows what will happen. She knows of the Ring and the Quest.”

BOROMIR: “It seems quite suspicious to me, so let us kill her.”

Gandalf nods in agreement. “Yes, she does.”

JULES: Oh, Lord, WHY is Gandalf so dull in this thing?!
BORIS: ‘Cause he’s old and not cute, silly!


“And even though they have both come so far with the Ring,

CHESTERFIELD: Both nothing. Rosa didn’t even TOUCH the Ring.
JULES: Eh, she’s probably going to carry the Ring for Frodo, just to steal more of his role and show how speshul she is.


both Rosalyn and the hobbit have shown extraordinary resilience to the Rings’ evilness.”

BORIS: BOING!
BOROMIR: “Evilness”?


Elrond comments as he walks to a desk and pours himself a glass of wine.

CHESTERFIELD (as Elrond): Now I’m off to get drunk and see if I can forget about her for at least an hour. Good day.

“Rosalyn took a great risk when she protected Frodo by being stabbed instead.

BORIS: Certainly, considering she doesn’t have life insurance.

I was very amazed she had lasted as long as she did when she was pierced.”

JULES: “I TOLD her not to get her bellybutton and lip pierced with an ice pick, but did she listen? Nooooo…”

“Yes, she did, Lord Elrond,” Gandalf spoke, gazing tenderly at Rosa,

BORIS (as Gandalf): Rosa, I wanna carve you up like tender roast pork and eat you with applesauce…

whom was laughing at Pippin.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): It’s WHOM, not WHO, you silly little hobbit!

“She has come to be protective of Frodo even in the short amount of time she has been here.

BORIS: “She’s been making sure he puts on a coat in cold weather and eats his vegetables.”

It is a burden Frodo should never have had to bear.

JULES: Well, no kidding, considering it’s pretty much POINTLESS for him to bear it now!

And Rosa should never have come in contact with.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, take out your frustration on the author, then, Gandalf.

We can ask no more of them.” Gandalf says.

BOROMIR (as Elrond): Oh, bloody Morgoth; I was going to ask Rosa to chair the potluck supper tomorrow!

Elrond looks to Gandalf.

JULES (singing): SO IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME, LOOK TO THE GANDALF SKY…
CHESTERFIELD: DON’T!


“I agree with you on Rosalyn, but Gandalf,

JULES: “You’re boring the shit out of me.”

when I treated her, I saw in her mind, I saw a hurt, pained, frightened woman

BOROMIR: “Who, with all the characteristics mentioned above, is pretty much USELESS to us.”
JULES: Come on, Boromir; you’re actually assuming Elrond’s a logical thinker in this story


whom has seen and felt the worst pain and betrayal ever imaginable.” He says.

JULES (screeching in frustration): Elrond was born at the end of the First Age, he’s seen how Morgoth tortured the elves and humans, he remembers how Sauron seduced the last king of Numenor and caused its downfall, his own mother left him alone with his brother—when he was a little child—to save the Silmaril, his wife was poisoned by orcs, he fought in the Last Alliance and tried to convince Isildur to destroy the Ring, and HE THINKS SOME RANDOM TEENAGE GIRL WITH ABUSIVE PARENTS AND SOCIAL PROBLEMS HAS SUFFERED THE WORST PAIN AND BETRAYAL EVER IMAGINABLE??!!!!!
BORIS (coldly): This author is going DOWN.
CHESTERFIELD: HARDCORE.


“And even though she’s frail and these fears plague her,

BOROMIR: “We shouldn’t IMMEDIATELY dismiss her as useless. Maybe she can help Arwen sew that banner for Aragorn.”

she has a high skill with weapons and has shown extreme courage.

JULES: WHAT?
BORIS: Elrond, with what you said about her frailty and fears, that’s an oxymoron!
CHESTERFIELD: It’s SOME kind of moron.


I fear for her if she comes in contact with the dangers that she will have to face, she’ll fall into darkness.”

JULES: So why the hell was it such a bright idea to send her here, then?!
BOROMIR: All right, so according to Elrond, this prophesized “Sun-child” is a weak, whiny, cowardly, frail child.
OTHERS: Yeah, pretty much.
BOROMIR: WHAT WAS ILUVATAR THINKING?!


Elrond walked next to Gandalf and gazed at Rosa with fatherly eyes.

JULES: Dur-hey!

He smiled as he watched as both she, Frodo, Pippin and Sam laugh at Merry’s silliness.

CHESTERFIELD: Both…?
BORIS: Oh, geez, too many “as”…
JULES: I think if this continues, we’re gonna pass out again.


“She seems to be comfortable and at peace here,” Gandalf commented.
“Indeed.” Elrond agreed,

BORIS: “Ah, yes; she’s the most interesting, important topic of conversation: let’s just forget all that crap about the Ring and Frodo and Aragorn.”
JULES: “I’m sure it’s not THAT important. “


placing both hands behind his back. He strolled back to the table.

BOROMIR (as Elrond): Gasp…choke…huff…puff…

“Anyway,” he looks somewhat away. “Onto more important matters, the enemy is moving.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, well it’s about time.
BOROMIR: Most people discuss the more important matters FIRST.


Sauron's forces are massing in the east—”

BORIS: “For some reason, they’re outside Barad-dur striking for better wages and holidays; this is something no one in Middle-Earth has seen before.”

He gazes intently at Gandalf. “His eye is fixed on Rivendell.

JULES: “Not that he can SEE it, because of the Elven-ring I wear, but we have to create some dramatic suspense.”

And Saruman you tell me has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin.”

JULES: And Phantom’s Ange’s creativity grows even thinner.
BOROMIR: Is it more…
JULES: Script-copying? Yes.


“His treachery runs deeper than you know.” Gandalf spoke, walking towards Elrond. “By foul craft Saruman has crossed orcs with goblinmen; he's breeding an army in the caverns of Isengard. An army that can move in sunlight and cover great distance at speed. Saruman is coming for the Ring.”

JULES (as Phantom’s Ange, in a falsetto): Now, I don’t have a CLUE what he’s talking about, and I don’t care, ‘cause my precious Leggy-kins wasn’t in this scene, but it was in the movie, so it MUST be important. So I copied it in! Aren’t I just, like, so smart?
OTHERS: NO!


Gandalf takes a quick look at Rosa. Elrond follows.

BORIS (as Gandalf): Has anything bad happened to her in the twenty seconds since we last looked at her?

“And he will be coming for Rosalyn as well. He knows of the prophecy that refers to her too.

CHESTERFIELD: “Don’t worry; I’m not trying to draw attention away from her.”

He’ll try to persuade her to the dark side. We cannot let that happen.”

BORIS: “Dark Side”? What is this, “Star Wars”?
JULES (as Saruman, Darth Vader): Join me and I will complete your training. We can rule Middle-Earth as father and son…er, daughter.


“I know, Gandalf.” Elrond sighed. “If she is swayed to Sauron’s side, all life on Middle-Earth will perish.

JULES: “Trust me; better for all our personalities and dignity to perish than life on Middle-Earth.”
BOROMIR: So if Rosa is supposed to fight him, why isn’t Sauron sending out his minions to kill her? Why would he waste time trying to persuade her to his side?


But this evil cannot be concealed by the power of the Elves.

BORIS: “So the sooner we kick her out of Rivendell, the better!”

We do not have the strength to fight both Mordor and Isengard!” That last remark, anger was clearly in his voice.

CHESTERFIELD: For Sauron was torturing the English language right this very minute.

“And we cannot protect Rosalyn as well.”

BOROMIR: Why would you WANT to protect her?
BORIS: Come on, Elrond; you know the best course of action is to mercy-kill her!


Gandalf walks slowly away, in deep thought.

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Hmmm…which came first, the chicken or the egg?
JULES (as Gandalf): How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll pop?


Stopping on another balcony, he gazes out over Rivendell.

BORIS (as Gandalf): Man, this place sure could use some redecoration…what was I talking to Elrond about, again?

“I know.”

JULES: So Gandalf thought deeply only to come up with this one phrase: “I know”?!
CHESTERFIELD (as Elrond): Gandalf, what’s happened to you?! I WARNED you that pipeweed was hazardous to your health!


“Gandalf, the Ring

BOROMIR (as Gandalf): Well, don’t give ME the hint! You’re the one who told me that it isn’t important after all!

and even though in the short time she has been here, I’ve come to think of Rosalyn as a daughter.

JULES: Yep; in the three or four days she’s been here. Sure.

As much as it pains me to speak this: they cannot stay here.” Elrond says.

ALL (as Elrond): OUCH! I TOLD you it pained me to speak it!

Gandalf sighs sadly and then sees people riding in.

BOROMIR: Sounds like Gandalf’s been reading this fic as well.
JULES (as Gandalf): I helped defeat Sauron for THIS?!

---------
As Boromir got from his stead,

BOROMIR: From my…stead?
BORIS: Isn’t that the name of a village in the Bree-land?
JULES: No, that’s Staddle.


he looked around and stopped on Rosa.

BOROMIR: Ha! I crush you with my heavy boot!
CHESTERFIELD: “Stopped”, not “stepped”.
BOROMIR: “Stopped on”…but what in Eru’s name does that mean?!


He inhaled deeply.

JULES (as Boromir): Ah, fresh Rivendell air!

Only one word described her.

JULES: Sue!
CHESTERFIELD: Pathetic!
BOROMIR: Stupid!
BORIS: Ugly!


“Beautiful!”He thought.

BOROMIR: “Rivendell IS beautiful…ugh, what is that red-headed THING doing here?!”

He smiled at her and she returned it with a small one

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, great; the smiling is back!
---------
As Rosa was laughing and telling jokes with the Hobbits

JULES (as Rosa): So, I never knew hobbits were so polite; I always thought they were SHORT-tempered! Ha, ha, short, short-tempered! Get it? Isn’t that brilliant?
CHESTERFIELD (as hobbits): Rosa, shut up; you’re about as funny as a train wreck.


(by now Bilbo had retired to his room)

BORIS (as Bilbo): I gotta go throw up now, after spending so much time with HER…

on the balcony, she heard galloping and turned to see

JULES: The stampeding wildebeest herd from “The Lion King”—heading straight for her.

a man whom she knew right away was Boromir

*Boromir shudders*
JULES (patting his shoulder): It’s all right; it HAS to be all right…


because of his attire was similar to Aragorn, but more royally.

CHESTERFIELD: Ah, so he was wearing a T-shirt with Aragorn’s picture on it?
BOROMIR (shudder): How perverted.


He had a grim and determined look on his slightly bearded face.

JULES & BORIS (Little Engine that could): I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

He wore fine clothing and his shield that rested upon his back bared

JULES (dreamily): His chest…and his legs…and his…
BORIS: Jules, for Sauron’s sake, he’s right here in the theater!
JULES: So?
*Boromir edges away from her*


the symbol of the White Tree of Gondor.

JULES (grinning): White Tree of Gondor, eh?
BORIS: Jules, do you want to get knocked unconscious?
JULES (scowl): Spoilsport.
*Boromir shudders in disgust*


She watched as he rode in and looked around Rivendell before his gaze stopped on her.

BOROMIR: “Ugh! It’s a long-haired orc…oh, wait; it’s some strange-looking human girl…still…ugh!”

She stiffened as his eyes penetrated hers.

JULES: Wow, Rosa sure stiffens a lot.
BOROMIR (confused): Why am I looking into her eyes anyway?


She clearly saw something that she never wanted to see again in his eyes.

BORIS (as Rosa): Argh! He’s got pink eye!
CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): He’s got those disgusting little crusts all around his eyes!


He smiled at her

JULES (as Boromir): Well, I’ll be polite anyway; she can’t help being ugly…

and she decided to be friendly and smiled a small smile back.

BORIS: Smile, smile, smile, smile. Can’t you use ANY other synonym besides “smile”? Maybe “grin”, or “beam”, or something?
JULES (shiver): Every time I close my eyes, I see people smiling.


She then returned her attention to her companions

JULES (as Rosa): Okay, stop me if you’ve heard this one…knock, knock.
BORIS (as hobbits, irritably): Who’s there?
JULES (as Rosa): Banana.
BORIS (as hobbits): Rosa, you’ve told that joke three times in the last twenty minutes!
JULES (as Rosa): Oh…heh, heh…

-----------
Next came a short and stout man and Rosa knew he was a dwarf.

JULES: How’d she know? For all she knew, it could have been a hobbit…maybe Bilbo coming back.
CHESTERFIELD: It was a fifty-fifty chance, and, being a Sue, she lucked out.


He wore a helmet of iron, and a thick bushy beard of a reddish color,

ALL: Oh. THAT’S how.

braided carefully at the ends, dominated his face.

*Laughter*
JULES: Wait ‘til I get back to Earth and tell my friend that his beard “dominates his face.”
BORIS: Like I said before, about elaborate attempts at language…


He carried his prized weapon, a large axe, over his shoulder.

JULES (singing): Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go…

He had a fierce, surly look to him but his gruff exterior.

JULES: Oh, for God’s sake, the last half of the sentence is gone!
BOROMIR: And she’s being redundant again.


She knew that was Gimli. She smiled warmly at him when he looked at her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Gimli): Oh, Eru; she’s got mossy teeth!

He smiled back and bowed his head in respect. She bowed back.

BORIS: He nodded at her. She nodded back. He blew a raspberry at her. She blew a raspberry back.
BOROMIR: There’s a pattern to this story; I’ve just noticed.

---------
Who came next took her breath away.

JULES: For Gus the Gassy had just followed Boromir to Rivendell.
*fourth wall creaks*
BORIS: Ease up on the inside jokes, there.
JULES: Sorry.


This one had long blonde hair that went past his shoulders.

JULES (hopefully): Lucius Malfoy?
CHESTERFIELD: Don’t get your hopes up.


Some of his hair’s braided.

BOROMIR: Dreadlocks?

He has beautiful cerulean eyes,

BORIS: So he’s one of those weird-looking anime characters?!
JULES: Either she looked up “blue” in the thesaurus or she’s got a box of Crayola crayons in front of her computer.


sometimes they darkened and some people were in trance when they looked upon them.

JULES (caveman): Ugg in trance. Ugg like blue eyes.

His ears are pointy!

CHESTERFIELD: Yeaaahhhhh…your point?
*everyone else is laughing hysterically*


His skin tone was like marble, but had a slight pink tone to it.

JULES (exasperated): What is with Phantom’s Ange and marble skin?!
BOROMIR: Well, I would HOPE his skin had some pink in it; otherwise, he would be DEAD!


He has bow in his hand

JULES (Bloody Mary): Give you ten dolluh for it.

and arrows in the bag that was on his back.

BOROMIR: Arrows…in a BAG.
CHESTERFIELD: Even I can’t make fun of that one.


He wore a brown cloak over his shirt.

BORIS: Thank you for that little detail. I’m sure he normally wears his cloak UNDER his shirt.
CHESTERFIELD: But since today was a special day, he decided to wear it over his shirt, like normal people…er, elves.


He had gracefully leapt from his horse and looked around Rivendell in awe.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Awwwwww…
JULES: “No, Legolas, AWE. A. W. E.”
CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): aaaAAAAAAHHHH!


As he turns, his gaze meets Rosas’

BORIS: “Hi, there; I’m Legolas’s gaze; whose gaze are you?”

and she feels a pleasurable shiver run through her

JULES: Argh! Shiver me timbers!

and feels her heart race.

CHESTERFIELD (sportscaster): And…they’re off! Rosa’s heart is in the lead…oh, it’s being passed…no, it’s in the lead again!

As she gazes upon him, she feels her soul call out to his

ALL: HUH?!
JULES: What…the…fuck?!


and in return, he responds to her gently.

BOROMIR (as Legolas, gently): Stop staring at me! You are starting to frighten me!

With this new feeling, she feels safe, content, whole and complete.

JULES (announcer): And that’s how you feel when you do the Jenny Craig weight-loss program!

It seems that both her and his soul were longing for the same thing; love.

BOROMIR: You know, this is taking personification a bit too far.
JULES (preacher): And because they decided to let Jesus Christ into their hearts, their souls found love and salvation.
BORIS: That was so fitting it was creepy.


She closes her, enjoying the feeling.

JULES (singing): You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’…

Before she knew it, his soul left hers, making her feel miserable.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Wah! Not even Legolas’s soul can tolerate me!

She can tell he felt the same by the expression on his face, yet he masks it with a smile.

BORIS: Hey, how does she know he wasn’t smiling because his soul left hers?
BOROMIR: Boris, do you realize what you just said?


He smiles tenderly at her, waving in greeting.

JULES (as Legolas): Helloooooooooooo, Rosa!

Rosa felt the warmness return so she smiles and waves back shyly.

CHESTERFIELD: Does NOT compute…

She returns with a blush.

JULES (as Rosa): I went to Middle-Earth and all I got was this lousy blush!

The elf’s smile widens and he winks. She blushes further.

BOROMIR: So, this is the same girl that stiffened and gave me only a small smile?
BORIS: I told you; only pretty boys that look unnervingly like women are worthy to look on her stunning beauty!


Both the elf and the Hobbits chuckle

BORIS: “Ha, ha…what a loser…”

and she gently smack the Hobbits, earning more chuckles from them.

JULES (as Rosa): More chuckles! Yay!
CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): I’m saving up my chuckles to buy a new car!


When she turns to look back, the elf was gone. She feels emptiness in her heart that aches.

BORIS: Well, GEEZ, he’s gonna come back!
BOROMIR: WHAT use is this girl going to be to the Quest again?

---------
When Legolas had gotten down from his stead,

JULES: Okay, at first I thought it was a typo, but now I’m pretty sure she actually thinks it’s spelled that way.
BOROMIR: Dear Iluvatar, that is sad.


he was in awe as he looked around.

JULES (as Legolas): How extraordinary…there’s a city just outside Rivendell that wasn’t there the last time I was here.

The beauty took his breath away.

BOROMIR: And he promptly asphyxiated.

But what took his breath away further was

JULES: Mega-Maid sucking up all the air from Middle-Earth.

a stunning human woman. Her skin tone was that of peach.

JULES: Argh! Stop rubbing it in that she’s white; that’s not politically correct!
CHESTERFIELD: I’m hungry for peaches right now.


She had her hair up in a strange kind of braid, yet didn’t bother him.

BORIS: Oh, THAT’S good to know…

He noticed that her hair was the color of fire and he was curious at how a human can have that hair color.

BOROMIR: Interesting, considering that ELVES DON’T HAVE THAT HAIR COLOR EITHER.

She wore a white dress that makes her skin stand out

JULES: Look, if you’ve got “peach” skin, white does NOT make your skin stand out. At least when you do your descriptions you can have them make sense.

and she was talking to Hobbits. He then noticed two dog-like creatures at her feet.

BORIS: “Dog-like creatures”?
JULES: Eh, whatever…


He was curious of who this woman was.

BOROMIR: That woman jussssst next to Rosa.

He smiled warmly at her, waving in greeting.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, geez; do we REALLY have to read the last paragraph from his point of view now?!

He saw her smile. It was a gorgeous smile. He watched as she waves back shyly. He then saw her blush. His smile widens and he winks. He was earned with a deeper blush. He chuckles at her shyness.

BORIS: He.
BOROMIR: He?
BORIS: He, he, he, he, he, he.
CHESTERFIELD: Sentence fragments. Two-word phrases.
JULES: Yeah, Phantom’s Ange, did anybody tell you that talking like a robot makes you sound intelligent? Because if they did, THEY LIED.


He found it very adorable.

JULES (wince): Oh, my God… “adorable” is a word that DOES NOT belong in Arda under ANY circumstances.

He didn’t know what it was, but he felt his heart leap with ecstasy as soon as he laid eyes on her.

BOROMIR: Probably because he had been doing ecstasy just before arriving in Rivendell.

He suddenly felt her soul call out to him and in return he responded gently.

BORIS: Oh, Sauron, not THIS again…
CHESTERFIELD: Look, Phantom’s Ange, quit repeating yourself!


As soon as his soul touched hers, he felt complete and whole.

JULES: Come visit the Department of Redundancies Department, where we provide all sorts and kinds of redundancies for all your necessary redundancy needs!

He had felt an instant bond with her.

BORIS: He lassoed her.

He then saw Aragorn coming to him. And the spell was broken.

CHESTERFIELD: And so were the sentences.

He felt his soul return to him and felt a hole in his heart.

ALL: OW!
BOROMIR: If that happened, he would die instantly!


He took one last longing glance at the woman, feeling happiness flow through him as he gazed at her,

JULES & CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Braaaaa…BRAAAAAA…

but sighed miserably. He put on a smile on his face to mask his unhappiness

BORIS (announcer): It’s Mardi Gras in the house of Elrond, and look at all these stunning masks!

and went to converse to his long-time friend.

JULES: Glorfindel?
CHESTERFIELD: Elladan or Elrohir?

---------
A little later, Rosa was playing chase with Rijah and Pippin.

JULES: “Chase”, eh? So THAT’S what the young folks are calling it these days.

Bijan was off somewhere with Gandalf.

BOROMIR: Gandalf was whacking him over the head with his staff and yelling, “Die, foul hound of Morgoth!”

She had changed into a white loose white shirt and brown breeches.

JULES: Oh, golly, MORE DESCRIPTION!
BORIS: This story is AMAZING!


Rijah was helping her catch Pip.

BOROMIR: Yes, because that’s what hobbits do; they’re not miniature adults, who drink and smoke and talk business, but children who love to play tag even at age thirty!

They ran after Pippin as they ran through the halls, dodging elves.

*everyone makes car horn sounds*

As they came across a corner in which Pippin ran too, she saw Strider talking to the same elf she saw earlier.

JULES (as Strider): So you say she’s about eighteen, and she still BLUSHES?
CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): I know; it’s rich, isn’t it?


She feels her heart leap with happiness and yet with nervousness at meeting the elf.

BOROMIR: Happiness yet nervousness… “nappinous”?

“Hi’ya, Strider.” She greeted.

JULES & CHESTERFIELD: HI-KEEBA!!!

Both look at her. Strider smiles warmly at her.

BORIS: Thereby melting her into a disgusting puddle on the floor.

He was used to her strange way of talking.

JULES: Though he still couldn’t understand her…maybe Elrond could find a Westron tutor somewhere…

Even the elf smiled, his heart, filled with delight at seeing her.

CHESTERFIELD: Commas, commas, everywhere…all in the wrong places…

Their eyes meet briefly,

BORIS: “Hi, bye!”

until Rosa moved them to see Pippin behind Aragorn.

BOROMIR (as Pippin): Strider, you have to save me! She’s been stalking me all day, and now I think she’s trying to harass me!

“Hello; Rosa.” He greets. “I see you’re better. How is your wound?”

JULES (as Rosa, “Prince of Space” kid): I like it very much.

“It hurts when I move it in certain directions,

BOROMIR: When…I…move it…?
JULES: Eh, all the logic just crapped out on that one.


but I think it’ll heal.” She responds.

CHESTERFIELD: You think WRONG!! Hahahahaha!

She then pretends to look for Pip who laughs quietly behind Aragorn,

BORIS (as Pippin): I just taped a “kick me” sign to her back!

trying to be quiet. “Have either of you seen Pippin?”

BOROMIR (as Strider): Have you gone blind?! He’s…oh; you’re PRETENDING you don’t see him, to treat him like a toddler. I understand now.

Strider smiles and nods his head slightly behind him.

CHESTERFIELD (as Pippin): Oh, thanks, Strider; you’re a fat load of help!

Rosa smiles and says, “You better run, squirt.”

*Silence*
JULES: “Squirt”?
BORIS: I’m speechless. Just speechless.


Pippin squeaks and runs behind the elf.

JULES (angrily): So Pippin is three years old?!
BOROMIR: HE’S TWENTY-NINE, you bloody, bigoted moron! HE’S AN ADULT!


This amuses both. Rosa runs behind the elf and tries to grab Pippin,

JULES: Oh, now that’s sexual harassment!
BORIS (announcer): We’ve secretly replaced Rosa with Michael Jackson. Let’s see if you, the readers at home, can tell the difference.


but he was a little faster. They run in circles ‘tween Aragorn and the elf.

BOROMIR: ‘Tween?
JULES: ‘Tweeny-bopper?
CHESTERFIELD: In his ‘tweens?


This amused both.

BORIS: Yes, THANK you, Phantom’s Ange; we get the point!

“C’m here, Pippin!” Rosa laughed.

CHESTERFIELD: “So I can SQUEEZE ya, ya hot little hunk o’ hobbit…”
JULES: Look, Chesterfield, this is wrong enough without your little comments!


She lost her footing as she made a turn and begins to fall.

BOROMIR: So, do you think Pippin stuck out his foot and tripped her?
BORIS: Nah, I think it was the tense changes.


She yelps and closes her eyes, awaiting the pain,

JULES (as Rosa): Yipe! I’m falling! Instead of trying to regain my footing like a normal person would, I’m just going to prepare myself for the pain of landing flat on my face!
CHESTERFIELD: HOW many brain cells did we say she had?


but feels arms wrap around her waist.

BORIS: “THIS is for the Witch-King…and THIS is for humiliating me and the other Nazgul…and THIS is for just being in Arda…”

The person brings her really close to them that she could feel the person’s warm body,

*Jules projectile vomits*

breath, the arms, and the toned chest.

JULES: Orlando Bloom. With a TONED CHEST. I mean, really…
BORIS: It might be Aragorn…


She opens her eyes to see a chest in front of her

CHESTERFIELD (pirate): Argh! We dig up me buried treasure, me mateys!

and she looks up to see beautiful cerulean eyes looking at her worriedly.

BOROMIR: It’s those unrealistically-bright blue eyes again!
JULES: It’s Orlando!Legolas! NOOO!


“Are you all right?” he asks.

BORIS (as Rosa): ‘Course I am; I just TRIPPED, you touchy-feely, weird elf.

She nods. Her hands are on his arms as his are on her hips.

JULES (singing): With his hands in his pockets and his pockets in his pants; didja ever see a fishy do a hootchy-kootchy dance…

They stare at each other.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): You are the weirdest human I have ever seen.
BOROMIR (as Rosa): I feel the same way about you…except for the human part.


The same connection that began when they had first laid eyes on each other just became a little stronger.

BORIS (as Rosa): Bloody hell, did you just lasso me again?!
JULES (as Legolas, cowboy): I sure did, buckaroo!


They each felt their souls are calling out to the other.

BORIS: What, are their souls having a yodeling contest or something?!
JULES: You know, by this point, I’m praying for the Soultaker to show up on the scene.


The spell’s broken when they hear giggling and growling.

JULES: Oh, ugh; they’re on the set for “American Pie”!

They turn to see Pippin laughing

CHESTERFIELD (as three-year-old Pippin): Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! They’re in LOVE!!! EWWWWWW!!!

and Rijah growling.

JULES (as Rijah): Rosa, you’ve betrayed me! Didn’t last night mean anything to you?!

Both blush.

BOROMIR: I realize Phantom’s Ange is…shall we say…less than intelligent, but even a simpleton could realize that dogs don’t blush.
JULES: Boy, I’d love to see the chick’s biology notebook. Probably consists of Orlando Bloom’s name outlined in little hearts.


Rosa blushes redder from the position they were in.

BORIS: This year’s grand champion for reddest blushing is…Rosa Monroe! (pulls out a trophy)

She gently moves away from Legolas,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah, as opposed to roughly shoving him away and kicking him in the groin for good measure?
JULES (sigh): I WISH that had happened…


missing his arms on her waist; but cleared her head of it.

BORIS: Oddly enough, when she cleared her head, there was nothing left inside it.

She never saw Legolas’ face turn to unhappiness.

JULES (as Legolas): Oh…I’m so sorry! Did I just erase what was left of your brain?! Oh, man, do I feel guilty now…

She mocks glares at Pip. “You have three seconds to run, you rascal!”

*Jules and Boris hum the “Little Rascals” theme*

And run he did.

CHESTERFIELD (as Pippin): My Eru, what has she done to my maturity?!

Rosa laughed. Strider smiled and so did the elf. Rosas’ laughter was music to the elf’s ears.

BOROMIR: Only it was BAD music.
JULES: It was Britney Spears, whereas Rosa’s screams of agony would have been “The Lay of Leithian”.


“Who is this, Strider?” Rosa nods towards the elf.

BORIS (as Legolas): Damn it, girl; I’m right here! Stop talking about me behind my back!

Even though she knew who it was, she was playing dumb.

BOROMIR: PLAYING dumb?

“Ah,” Strider said. “This, milady, is Legolas Thranduil, from Mirkwood.”

JULES: Little known fact: Mirkwood elves DO name each other after their parents, unlike the High Elves.

Rosa stretches out her hand

BOROMIR: Oof…writer’s cramp.

and Legolas takes it in his, both feeling a tingling sensation that flowed throughout both their entire bodies.

*Boris makes electric hand-buzzer noise*
JULES (as Rosa): Yaaaaaaahhhhhh!
CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Oh, sorry, sorry! I forgot about my electric hand buzzer…I really AM sorry…


He kisses her hand. Rosa blushes. Rijah’s eyes narrowed.

JULES: Society crumbled.
BORIS: People died.
BOROMIR: Verb tenses changed.


“And, Legolas,” Strider continues. “This is the lovely Lady Rosalyn.”

JULES: You know, if this were “Les Miz," “lovely lady” would have an entirely different meaning.

“But I prefer either Rosa or Kat,” she concludes.

JULES: Nobody asked you, bitch.
BOROMIR (as Rosa): Why have none of you called me by the stupider of my two nicknames?!


“Saesa omentien lle (Pleasure meeting you).” Legolas says, meaning it.

BORIS: Obviously he DIDN’T mean it, as I don’t know WHAT the hell he was saying…
JULES: The guy’s the Feanor of his time.


“Saesa omentien lle vithel, Legolas (Pleasure meeting you also, Legolas).” Rosa returns it too.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): So you like talking gibberish too?! Great; we have something in common!
BOROMIR (as Aragorn): My Eru, are they both drunk?


Rijah, having had enough of the male elf being near Rosa

JULES (as Rijah): I LICK you every time you’re feeling a little horny, and this is what I get in return?!
BOROMIR: Jules…
JULES: Well, you can’t deny it; the bestiality references are there!
BOROMIR: I know, but you don’t need to make them worse.


and not liking it, nudges between her and Legolas, making her back up a little. Rijah glares at Legolas and growls a warning growl.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rijah, Phantom Krankor): Men of Earth; do not attempt to come nearer. This is your FIRST warning…

Rosa looks at her, shock and a little anger on her face. She never knew Rijah could act like this.

CHESTERFIELD: NEVER?
JULES: So how did the dogs protect her; by slobbering all over her enemies?


“RIJAH!”

CHESTERFIELD: CAPITALIZATION!
BOROMIR: But not as much emphasis.


At her tone of voice, Rijah’s ears laid back.

JULES (as Rijah): Oh, LORD that was loud…her voice probably ruptured something.

Rijah looks at her, whimpering.

BORIS (as Rijah): Look, stop, okay? It was just jealousy, I’ll do anything, just PLEASE don’t break my eardrums again!

Rosa sighs, yet smiles and shakes her head. She bends down and starts stroking him.

ALL: HIM?!

Legolas looked at the animal, curiously. Rosa sees his bewilderment.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): I thought the House of Elrond had a strict “No Pets Allowed” policy!

“This is my wolf dog, Rijah.”

BOROMIR: Oh, heh, heh, that’s Rosa. She can’t just say DOG, she has to say WOLF DOG. As if anybody cared.
JULES: Trademarked!


She looks at them. “I have another. A male named Bijan.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa, deadpan): I hate colons and commas.

You’ll have to excuse Rijah though, Legolas. She’s very protective of me.”

JULES: Protective, protective, protective. That’s ALL she ever says; that’s the only excuse she ever gives! Now, if Rijah had bitten off Legolas’s balls, WOULD SHE MAKE THE SAME LAME EXCUSE?! NO!
BORIS: Not to mention that now we all know that “protective” is a euphemism for something much more disgusting.


She pats her head. Legolas nodded his head in understanding.
“Now, if both excuse us, we have a hobbit to catch.” Rosa said

CHESTERFIELD (as Phantom’s Ange): How ‘bout I add some hidden references to pedophilia to all this bestiality?
JULES: Wonder what she would say if we emailed her and pointed all the perversity out to her?


and they take off after a chuckling Pippin.

*Jules makes jumbo-jet noises*

Strider and Legolas watch as Rosa and Rijah ran after Pippin.

BOROMIR (as Strider): So, Legolas, what were you saying before we were so rudely interrupted?

“She’s very lovely.” Legolas said. “And very beautiful.”

JULES: Legolas works for the Department of Redundancies Department.

Strider smirks at Legolas, whom blushes at being caught.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): HOW did you know I wear ladies’ underwear?
BOROMIR: I would pay good money to see an elf BLUSH.


Strider laughs and Legolas glare at him.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Don’t laugh at me just because I’m a transvestite! How would you like it if I made fun of YOU for never bathing? Huh? Huh?

Strider nodded. “Not to worry, Legolas,” he says. “I won’t tell her.”

BORIS (as Legolas): Oh, that’s what you said about Arwen too, and then you told her and you both had a good laugh over it!

Legolas nods his head in gratitude.

JULES: ARGH! STOP NODDING!
CHESTERFIELD: You think these people nod to signal “no” too?


Aragorn smiles and looks towards the direction that Rosa had taken. “Rosa is very trustworthy.”

BORIS: “When she’s unconscious.”

Legolas looks at his friend. “Oh.”

JULES (singing): “P, Q, R, S, T, U, V…
BORIS: Welcome to Sesame Street…


“She saved Frodo’s life on Amon Sûl.” Strider said. Legolas’s eyes widen in horror.

BOROMIR: “No! She wasn’t supposed to steal Frodo’s role in the adventure!”
CHESTERFIELD: Legolas might actually be the only sensible character in this whole story.


“The Ringwraiths were following us and that’s how we met her and Rijah.

JULES: No, they met her and Rijah because those weird mutant elves sent them to Arda as a practical joke.
BORIS (shocked): Phantom’s Ange can’t even keep her OWN story straight!


At first, she was very weary of us

BOROMIR: “I hadn’t realized my company was so tiresome before…”

and wouldn’t allow any contact, but as we traveled, she seemed to begin to trust us.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Look, Aragorn, I didn’t request a biography on her; would you please get on with it?!

Aragorn looks at Legolas. “I fear that something or someone had done a horrible act to her back on her world

BORIS: Which we MIGHT feel more strongly about if you only told us WHAT THE HELL IT WAS…

that has made her weary of contact.

JULES: Having horny pets would make ME pretty sick of contact too.

When we had reached Weathertop, the Wraiths attacked, instead of stabbing Frodo, Rosa was stabbed by the Wraiths sword.”

BOROMIR: Argh; SO MANY grammatical errors.

Legolas’s eyes widened even further.

BORIS: Until they split his skull open.

“Re naa sai- astald (She is very brave).” Legolas comments.

JULES: Hey, doesn’t that sound like some dish in a Thai restaurant?
CHESTERFIELD (drooling): Mmmm…phad Thai…


Strider nods in agreement.

BOROMIR (as Strider): Stop talking gibberish, Legolas! This isn’t funny anymore!

“Sut naa re sinome (How is she here)?” Legolas asked.

JULES: “And why do I sound like I’m speaking Japanese?”

Strider shook his head. “That I do not know.”

BORIS (as Legolas): Well, would you mind finding out? I’m pretty sick of uttering strange tongues without even knowing I’m going to.
---------


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(Wo)man on a Mission
It was dinner and there would be a ball.

BORIS: Balls are always great gifts for kids.
JULES: Was it a baseball, a basketball, or a football?


Rosa was wearing a dress Arwen had leant her.

BOROMIR: Oh, my Iluvatar, if this is another endless description of clothes, I don’t think…
JULES: And people think TOLKIEN is overly descriptive?!


It resembled that of Galadriel’s dress, but a light emerald color.

BORIS: “Emerald”? There’s that thesaurus or Crayola box again.

It was low cut to where it showed some of her chest, yet not too much.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, thank you, that’s a relief…OR IT WOULD BE IF I CARED!!

She wore a necklace that Arwen also leant her. It was a diamond necklace with an emerald jewel in the middle.

BOROMIR: So…in case you’ve forgotten, “An Elf’s Love”.
JULES: Oh, Christ, this is the “Manos: The Hands of Fate” of fanfiction!


Arwen also did her hair and applied some make-up but not too much.

BOROMIR: Shouldn’t you be describing something else in detail? Like why and how an elf came into possession of make-up?

She told both Rijah and Bijan to stay and they obeyed, even though they didn’t want too.

*Everyone sighs deeply*

Arwen was wearing something similar, yet not quite.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, that’s specific.
BOROMIR: Chesterfield, don’t! We don’t want her going into every single detail about Arwen’s gown too!


Instead of a light emerald, hers was sky blue.

JULES: Oi vei…
BORIS: DEFINITELY a Crayola crayon box.


As Rosa walked to the Dining Room, she was joined with Merry and Pippin.

JULES: Ugh! Oh, God, Phantom’s Ange, you perv!
CHESTERFIELD: As she was WALKING?!


They gaped at her attire and blushed.

BORIS (as Pippin): Oh, Rosa, that’s awful! I’m embarrassed just SEEING you wearing that.

They decided to act gentlemanly for once.

BORIS (disappointed): Oh, so they DIDN’T say that, then.
CHESTERFIELD: So why are you disappointed?
BORIS: Rosa’s ego needs to be about a million times lower.


They both complemented on her attire and she blushed.

BORIS: Is everybody in Rivendell getting some chronic rash?!
JULES: Rosa has the power to give everyone skin irritations.


They then asked if they could be her escorts and she agreed. Each took her arms and proceeded to the dining area.

BOROMIR: INTENSE…DESCRIPTIVE…ACTION!!!

Rosa smiled and giggled at this.

JULES (as Rosa): Hee, hee, hee…I’m too stupid to think of anything to say, so I’ll just fall back on the good ol’ smiling and giggling!
---------
When they approached the doors of the Ballroom,

BOROMIR: Which, of course, does not even EXIST…

two elf guards gaped at Rosa,

CHESTERFIELD: So Elrond hires people to guard a BALLROOM?
BORIS: And it’s actually physically possible for elves to GAPE?


but smiled gently, earning one in return.

CHESTERFIELD: Geez! ENOUGH with the gentle smiling!

They then opened the doors, a bright light shone out.

JULES: Rosa was electrocuted.
BORIS (as elf guard): Oops…guess we should have told her that wasn’t the ballroom, but a highly dangerous room filled with radioactive material…ha, ha, ha…


Elvish minstrels played to one side,

CHESTERFIELD: Lindir and his fabulous elvish polka band, ladies and gentlemen; aren’t they fabulous?

while to the other side stood a buffet table along with other smaller tables.

JULES: Wow; the dining room at Rivendell resembles the cafeteria at those indoor marching-band banquets we used to have in high school.
BORIS: Hmmm…Elrond has a lower budget to work with than we thought.


The center of the room was filled with dancing couples; among them were Aragorn and Arwen.

CHESTERFIELD: This whole scene bears an uncanny resemblance to Harry Potter’s Yule Ball.
BOROMIR: Ah, yes; pretty soon Aragorn will be stepping on Arwen’s toes and blushing, and we’ll learn that Legolas blushes and stutters when he asks women to dance, just like a teenage boy.


“They really do make a cute couple,” Rosa thought longingly, yet smiling.

JULES (announcer) And the award for the dumbest, most immature understatement of the year goes to…Phantom’s Ange!
*applause*


Legolas saw her come in with the Hobbits. He gaped at her, stunned by her appearance.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): My word, that is THE ugliest mortal woman I have ever laid eyes on.

“She is so stunning,” he thought. “If not for her being a human, she would look like an elf elleth.”

JULES: Yeah, if not for my being a woman, I would look like a man…THANK YOU, CAPTAIN FUCKIN’ OBVIOUS!
BORIS: Obscure.


He walked to her and greeted her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Howdy, there, Miss Redheaded Spawn of Morgoth.

Both Merry and Pippin smiled at her and left to join Sam and Frodo.

ALL (as Merry and Pippin): WE’RE FREE!!!

Rosa fiddled with her hands,

BORIS: As opposed to fiddling with her BREASTS?
JULES: Oh, dear Lord; she plays the violin as well?!


nervous at Legolas intense gaze. She felt scared and anxious.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): If I’m in Middle-Earth, how can I study for that calculus test on Monday?

She was never one for being the center of attention.

BOROMIR: Oh, and her little conceited display in front of the Nazgul was what…modesty?

“Lle sai- vanima (You’re very beautiful).”

JULES (as Rosa, falsetto): No, my name isn’t “Lay Sigh” whatever, it’s Rosa or Kat.
BOROMIR (as Legolas): Oh, so sorry, Rose or Kat…
JULES (as Rosa, falsetto): No, that’s not what I…never mind.


He says as he gently takes her right hand and kisses it.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Mmmm; spaghetti sauce on your hand.

She blushed and felt another tingle flow through her.

BORIS: So, let me get this straight. The three main talents of everybody in this story are blushing, smiling, and nodding.
CHESTERFIELD: How you guys EVER managed to destroy the Ring is beyond me.


He then adds. “Vanimle sila tiri (Your beauty shines bright).”

JULES: So now Legolas is trying to speak Hindi or something.
BORIS: Hey, at least he’s providing English translations.


Rosa blushed even deeper.

BOROMIR: By now, I’m sure that Rosa would blush at a carrot.

Her heart thunders in her chest.

*Everyone makes rumbling noises*

Rosa smiles. “Diola lle (Thank you). You look very handsome.”

JULES (as Rosa): D’oh! That was awkward!
CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): I’m a poorly-dubbed Japanese kid!


Legolas smiled affectionately at her and she returned it, blushing.

BOROMIR (groan): By now, that VERY statement has become so predictable that I can probably tell when it’s going to pop up.
JULES: Hey, let’s keep a record of how many times Phantom’s Ange uses it!


Aragorn had told him that Rosa could speak Elvish fluently.

ALL: He LIED.

He then holds out his left arm. “May I escort you to your chair?”

CHESTERFIELD: “Because you’re too pathetic and delicate to walk all the way over there yourself?”

Rosa smiles, feeling her nervousness depleting. “Yes, you may.”

BOROMIR: Nervousness DEPLETES?
JULES: Insert scientific lecture here.


Legolas’ smile widens and he links their arms together and lays his hand gently on hers.

JULES (circus ringmaster): It’s Legolas, the amazing Elven contortionist!

He smiled tenderly at her and her him. They then continued to talk as they walked to the table.

CHESTERFIELD: And as a result, it’s taken about TWENTY FRICKIN’ MINUTES for them just to sit down!
BORIS (other guests): You two get your asses over here! We can’t get served until everyone’s seated!


He talked of his home. Rosa listened carefully, taking everything to heart as he speaks.

JULES (as Rosa): So your father is a racist, judging by how much he hates dwarves, and your friends constantly get drunk on his wine and pass out? How romantic!
CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Oh, my, you have to live in CAVES to avoid the giant spiders and the magical water? Why, that just makes my heart flutter!
BOROMIR: Mirkwood is NOT a pleasant place to live.
JULES: Agreed.

---------
Boromir could do was stare at Rosa when she entered.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): She’s got toilet paper attached to her shoe.

“She is so beautiful.”

BOROMIR: What? Am I a SIMPLETON in this thing?!
JULES: Boromir, calm down; this isn’t really you.


He had seen her enter the dining hall with the Hobbits

CHESTERFIELD: It’s gone from a “ballroom” to a “dining hall”.
JULES: Now it resembles the cafeteria at college.


and was about to go to her, but Legolas had beaten him to it.

BORIS (as Legolas): I won the race, na, na, na-na, na!
JULES (as Boromir): Damn how fast those bloody elves can run.


He felt jealousy flow through his veins.

JULES: Whoa, dude; that’s not healthy.
CHESTERFIELD: Boromir’s suffering from severe blood loss, apparently.


He felt anger course through him

BOROMIR: Why? WHY am I angry?!
BORIS: Can we get some exposition here?!


as he watched Legolas say something to Rosa, which he figured was a compliment and he kissing her hand.

JULES: Ah, you’re a grammar Nazi in this, Boromir; THAT’S why you’re angry.
BOROMIR: But I’m not.
JULES: I said IN THIS, as in, IN THE STORY.


His eyes darkened when he saw her blushing and smiling, saying something back.

BOROMIR (disgustedly): “Oh, my Eru, that is the FOURTH time I’ve seen her blush and smile; how can somebody so fair be so pathetic?”
CHESTERFIELD: Man, Boromir; you’ve got one wacky body in this thing. Darkening eyes, jealousy in your veins…


He then heard Legolas ask her if he could escort her and she saying that he could.

JULES: Oh, GOD, do we have to hear how EVERYBODY in the whole damn Fellowship felt about Legolas escorting Rosa to the table?!
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, no, it’s moving backwards!


They then linked their arms.

BORIS: And, to Boromir’s surprise, they started singing “We’re Off to See the Wizard” and skipping across the ballroom.

His rage spiked further when as he watched them walking to the table and conversing further.

JULES (as Boromir): Look, JUST SIT DOWN!!! STOP MAKING A SHOW OUT OF IT!!
BOROMIR (scowl): This is insulting. People HAVE said I’m impatient and hot-tempered, but I’m not impatient enough to get enraged when people take too long to sit down.

---------
Legolas pulled out Rosa’s chair, allowing her to sit and earning a “thank you” from her before seating himself next to her.

BORIS: And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the amazing, spectacular, unbelievable, two-paragraph-long “sitting down” scene from “An Elf’s Love”!
*cheering and clapping*


Rosa felt flattered. Legolas was acting like a real gentleman. She admired him for that.

*Boromir and Jules are looking sick by now*
CHESTERFIELD: Hey…are you guys okay?


Gimli was smoking his pipe, telling the hobbits stories of his home. Rosa felt piercing eyes on her.

BORIS (as Rosa): ARGH! I’ve been stabbed!

She looks around and her eyes meet with Boromir’s.

BORIS: “Hi, Boromir’s eyes…”
JULES: THAT’S ENOUGH.


He smiled at her; she lightly nods her head, and looks away, talking with the Hobbits, Gandalf, Strider, or Legolas.

BOROMIR: WHAT does she have against me?!
CHESTERFIELD: Boromir, do you WANT her to be attracted to you?
BOROMIR: No, but…


Rosa chatted with them all until she heard music begin to play waltz.

JULES: Wow, thank God those elvish minstrels were familiar with classical Austrian music…though Austria didn’t even exist yet.
BORIS: Oh, Sauron, I can’t read it…it’s going to be another corny, clichéd ball scene from one of those dumb romantic movies…


She had never danced before and was rather nervous if she was asked to dance.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, yay for more important plot development.

She watched as Legolas stood and offered her his hand.

JULES: DON’T say it, Legolas…PLEASE, in the name of all that is good and creative, DON’T say it…

“May I have this dance?” he asked,

JULES: No! He said it!
CHESTERFIELD: Zing!


smiling, with a glimmer in his eyes.

BORIS (as Legolas, aside): As soon as she comes to dance with me, I’m going to stab her with this knife in my belt…

Rosa couldn’t dance, but she could hardly refuse him; he looked so good.

JULES (rubbing her forehead): OH, my God…a ten-year-old must have written this!
BOROMIR (moaning): This is bad…this is VERY bad…


“Yes, of course, Legolas,” she replied as she placed her hand in his and stood.

BORIS: Which, of course, took about ten minutes.

The same tingle went through her hand.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Damn it, Legolas, this isn’t funny! Would you PLEASE put down your hand buzzer?!

As Legolas led her to the center of the dance floor,

JULES (as Legolas, tugging on her dress): Come on, you…move it, toots…

someone watched them with jealous eyes.

BOROMIR (as eyes): This isn’t fair! Why can’t we have legs and walk around like these full-bodied people?!
BORIS: WHO watched them with jealous eyes?


“I should be dancing with her, not him,” he thought.

JULES: Well, nobody said you HAD to dance with him!
BORIS: All right, this isn’t funny; WHO IS THIS?

---------
When Legolas and Rosa reached the dance floor,

CHESTERFIELD: By following the Yellow Brick Road, climbing down the Magical Faraway Tree, crossing the Bridge to Terebithia, and going through the magic wardrobe…

he placed his hands on her hips,

JULES: GEEZ!
BORIS: Movin’ a little fast, there, aren’t we, Legolas?


as she placed her leisurely hands on his shoulders.

JULES: Man, I wish I had leisurely hands.
CHESTERFIELD: Me too.


Rosa looked fearfully away.

BORIS (as Rosa): Oh, my God, Legolas; you’re turning into Will Turner!

Legolas frowned in confusion.

JULES (as Legolas): Who is this Will Turner you are speaking of, fair lady?

He gently took her chin between his thumb and forefinger. He gently turned her face so she looked into his eyes.

CHESTERFIELD: Gently.
BORIS: Gentlier.
JULES: Gentliest.


“What’s wrong?” he asked.

BOROMIR: Do you want the short list, or the long?

“I-I-I don’t know how to dance.” She answered.

CHESTERFIELD (Torgo): “And the-e-e ma-aster wouldn’t appro-ove.”

He smiled warmly at her. “Follow my lead,” Legolas whispered.

JULES (singing): And yes indeed, you…will…be…popular…

Rosa did so, and soon enough, they were dancing enchantingly.

JULES (ad): Spend an enchantingly magical vacation in Disney World, and make all your enchantingly dreams come true!

The music flowed about them as they moved.

BORIS: Hey, it’s “Fantasia!”

They glided about the other couples in their happiness.

CHESTERFIELD: What…they’re ice-skating now?!
BOROMIR (groan): That’s even worse.


The others stopped dancing and watched them dance.

JULES & BORIS (chanting): How low can you go…how low can you go…
---------
“You dance magnificently, Rosalyn,” Legolas complimented.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas, British accent): Oh, Rosalyn, your dancing is magnificently, scrumptiously topping!

Rosa had been looking at the ground beforehand, for she was embarrassed,

JULES (as Rosa): Oh, ballroom dancing is GROSS; I have to touch a BOY!

but at the compliment, she looked up into Legolas’ dazzling blue eyes;

BORIS: She was blinded by the light.

he smiled a little. Rosa blushed.

JULES: One.

She felt lightheaded at hearing her full name come from him.

BOROMIR: Oh, so THAT’S why she keeps making up nicknames for herself.
JULES: That’s one odd medical condition there.


It felt natural and she didn’t want anyone to say her full name but him.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yep, that’s how you know you’re in love; when you’ve found the only person who says your full name.
JULES: Yep, yep.


As she and Legolas danced, the people and everything surrounding them blurred into multicolor,

BORIS: Huh?
JULES: For both Rosa and Legolas had been snorting heavy amounts of cocaine all through the meal.


leaving them as the only people who mattered.

ALL: EXCUSE ME?!

Rosa was hypnotized by Legolas’ gaze and couldn’t turn from it.

JULES (as Legolas, Jafar): Everything will be fine…
BORIS (as Rosa, the Sultan): Everything…will…be…fine…


It was the same for Legolas.

BORIS: Legolas was hypnotized by his own gaze?
CHESTERFIELD: He’s suddenly looking in a mirror?


The dress and the necklace, which he knew, was Arwen’s she was wearing brought out her jade eyes, hypnotizing those whom gazed into them.

JULES (helplessly): I’m not even gonna TRY to riff that.

The moment was ruined when a voice interrupted.

JULES: “Will you STOP ripping off that scene in ‘West Side Story’ ”?!

“May I cut in?”

ALL: YESSSS!

Both look to see whom it was. It was Boromir.

*Jules shrieks and throws her arms around Boromir*
JULES: You’re saving the day!
BOROMIR: Thank you…now, PLEASE get off me.


He looked from Legolas to Rosa, smiling.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir, villain): Well, well, well…what do we have here? Mwa-ha-ha-ha.

She didn’t know what it was, but Boromir frightened her.

BORIS: He carried numerous deadly weapons under his tunic, and he sure knew how to use them.

It brought back painful memories.

BOROMIR (enraged): WHAT?! WHAT DID I HAVE TO DO WITH THIS FILTH?!! WHAT?! WHAT?!
*Everyone else shakes their heads in sympathy*


Subconsciously, she moved closer to Legolas,

CHESTERFIELD: Argh! It’s the souls calling out to each other again!

whom tightened his grip on her gently. Legolas turned to face the man

ALL: GENTLY…

before him and was about to protest when Rosa cut in.

ALL: GENTLY!

“If its all right with Legolas.” she said.

JULES (as Rosa): Legolas, daddy, may I please dance with Boromir?
BORIS (as Legolas): Yes, but be home by midnight, young lady.


She didn’t want to dance with Boromir, but maybe if she gave him a dance, he’d leave her be.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, her logic is just infallible; really, it is. And pigs shoot outta my ass too.

Legolas looked shocked, while Boromir looked pleased.

BORIS (as Legolas): She’s actually asking ME to make the decision?!
BOROMIR: “Ha! I knew the pathetic little witch didn’t have a mind of her own!”


As Legolas gave Rosas’ hand to Boromir, Rosa looked at Legolas.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Oh, WHY’D you have to rip my hand off, Legolas?
JULES: Oh, come on, Chesterfield; you could’ve done better than that.


“Sina er salka, Legolas

JULES: Woo-hoo, yeah! Let’s all do the Sina Er Salka!
BORIS: Is that anything like the Macarena?


(This one dance, Legolas).”

JULES (singing): This ooooone dance…this oooooone chance…for looooove…

He nodded and smiled,

JULES: Two.
OTHERS: NO!


kissing her hand and left to converse with Aragorn.

BORIS: “Ha; I’ll make her jealous; I’ll go make love to Aragorn, like in those slash fics…”

As she and Boromir danced, Boromir’s intense gaze was making Rosa feel very uncomfortable.

BORIS (as Boromir): Guess what, Rosa? I can tell when your panties were washed last.
CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): Ugh; I just counted fifty zits on your face!


“You look very lovely, Lady Rosalyn.” He commented.

JULES: Yeah, compared to Thuringwethil!

“Please, call me Rosa.” She said.

BOROMIR: What, no “Kat”?
CHESTERFIELD: Man, this is REALLY a sign that she hates you, Boromir.


“As you wish.”

*Jules and Boris hum the “Haunting Torgo Theme”*

As they danced, Boromir kept trying to make conversation about Rosas’ life back on Earth

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): Rosa, what’s a car?
BORIS (as Boromir): Rosa, why do you talk in such a ridiculous accent?


and she kept swaying it to his life in Gondor.

JULES: Man, with all this swaying going on, these people must have drunk about four gallons of ale.

She half-listened to what he was saying,

BORIS (as Rosa): Yeah…heh-heh…pah, his father’s a pyromaniac; that’s NOTHING compared to Legolas’s drunk, racist father…

secretly hoping for the waltz to end. Soon, it did and she felt at ease.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Boy, those laxatives sure did the trick!

“Thank you, Lord Boromir for the dance,” she curtsied.

JULES (laughing): What a goddamn priss…

“No,” he said, taking her hand in his. “Thank you.” And he kissed it, never taking his eyes off her.

BORIS (as Boromir): Mmmm…marinara, with basil and Romano cheese…

As she began to make her way back to the table,

BOROMIR: Oh, Eru, this is going to take another twenty minutes!

another waltz began

JULES: Probably Daeron’s “The Blue Anduin.”

and she felt Boromir gently grab her hand.

CHESTERFIELD: How do you “gently” grab someone’s hand?
BORIS: I swear, when these people start nodding and blushing gently…


“May I have this dance?”

JULES (as Rosa): No! I’ve been away from Leggy for barely five minutes; he’s getting worried about me!

Before she could respond…

CHESTERFIELD: A hand grenade fell on her and blew her up.
JULES: Huh?!
CHESTERFIELD: Look, I’m desperate for ANYTHING bad to happen to her, okay?!


“She has saved me this dance, Lord Boromir,” came a familiar voice.

JULES (as Rosa): Hey! I haven’t saved ANYBODY a dance…stop making decisions for me! I’m a free woman, with a mind of my own, and…uh…lots of smartness!

Both turned and saw….

JULES: Oh, dear God…
CHESTERFIELD: When suspense becomes stupid.








BORIS: WHAT?! Arrow, arrow, arrow, arrow, arrow?!
JULES (hopefully): Hey, maybe her keyboard broke!








BOROMIR: You know, I think this is the alphabet for that peculiar, gibberish language she’s made up.
CHESTERFIELD: In Black Speech, that’s my name repeated twelve times.
JULES: Really?
CHESTERFIELD: No.









JULES: Look, Phantom’s Ange, you’re driving us all nuts here; would you PLEASE get on with it?!
BOROMIR: So, does this mean whoever she saw shot a quiver full of arrows into her chest?







JULES: Arrow.
CHESTERFIELD: Yep, arrow, arrows, and more arrows.
BORIS: So what part of the story were we at again?
BOROMIR: I have forgotten completely.





Aragorn.

CHESTERFIELD: All RIGHT, so what about Aragorn?!
JULES: Honestly, I guess she wants us to scroll back up to check.
BORIS: It’s official now; I think she wrote this on purpose to torture us.


(Thought it would have been Legolas, huh.

BOROMIR: No, actually I was distracted, and I completely forgot what you were talking about, thank you very much.



CHESTERFIELD: Wha…so she puts those stupid little faces in her stories?!
BORIS: Oh, PLEASE…


I guess I fooled ya.)

*Jules screams*
BORIS: NOW what?
JULES (hysterical): NOW WHAT?! She tried to build suspense by typing a lot of arrows halfway down the page, and then gloated that she “fooled us” afterwards! She’s not a writer, she’s an obscenity! SHE’S AN INSULT TO THE ART OF LITERATURE!!!
*She breaks down sobbing and Boromir hugs her*
BOROMIR: There, there…we’ll get through it somehow…
JULES (sniffle): I just don’t think I can bear it any longer!
BOROMIR: Look, for our sakes, you MUST try! Anyway, it could be worse.


“Of course,” Boromir said and kissed Rosas’ hand before leaving.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): Ha! I just licked up all the spaghetti sauce on her hand! Too bad for you, Legolas!

Aragorn gently took Rosas’ hand in his and began dancing.

ALL: ARGH! STOP SAYING “GENTLY”!!

“Thank you so much, Aragorn.” She sighed.

BORIS: “You saved my LIFE; Boromir is SO repulsive he rivals Sauron himself…”

“I could see that you were uncomfortable with Lord Boromir,” Aragorn said.

JULES (dreamily): Well, curl up in a comfy chair with him, and you’ll be more comfortable…
*Boris smacks her*


“I don’t know what it is, Aragorn,” Rosa said. “But he creeps me out.

*Boromir yells in frustration*
JULES (as Rosa): He’s too manly and hairy!


It doesn’t feel right to be near him.”

BORIS: SHUT UP! YOU’RE TRAUMATIZING HIM!!

“Don’t worry,” he cooed. “I won’t let him harm you.”

*Jules and Boris have to restrain Boromir as he lunges at the screen*
JULES: Boromir, Boromir, it’s not worth it.
BORIS: We’ll get our revenge for this any way we can; just stay still…
BOROMIR (groaning): Oh, Eru, this is worse than the last attack at Osgiliath…


Rosa smiled gratefully and soon the dance was over and both retired to their seats. They then talk with the others. Soon, Elrond asked Rosa something.

BORIS (as Elrond): Rosa, the toilet in the upstairs bathroom needs cleaning; would you mind doing it quickly?

“Rosa,” he says gaining hers as well as others attention.

BOROMIR: “Your dogs left a mess in the middle of the Hall of Fire.”

“I’ve been told that you sing beautifully. May I ask that you sing us a song?”

*Jules stares with her mouth open, eyes wide in horror*
BOROMIR (grimly): THIS is what I meant when I said it could be worse.
CHESTERFIELD: My Saruman, Boromir! What have you done?!
BOROMIR (panicking): How was I supposed to know that this would happen?!


Rosa blushes. “I…uh…well…”

BORIS (as Rose): Line?

“Please!” the Hobbits asked with puppy-dog eyes.

JULES (in horror): Oh, no…
BORIS: In the name of Sauron…


“I get nervous when I sing in front of people.” She protested.

CHESTERFIELD (as Elrond): Yeah, we all do, you stupid little second-born; now get your ass up there!

“Pretty please!” they continued.

BORIS: “Pretty please with sugar on top, whipped cream, and a cherry, and a whole lot of other childish words people over twenty shouldn’t be saying!”
BOROMIR: If I have learned one thing from this fic, it is that to portray the hobbits as children is BAD.


Even Aragorn gave her his puppy eyes.

JULES (weakly): Aragorn. With puppy eyes.
BOROMIR: Who knew.


“Oh, not you too, Strider!” she exclaimed,

BORIS: “You’re turning into a little kid too! NO!”

being mindful that Boromir didn’t know that Strider and Aragorn were one and the same.

BOROMIR: Well, of course, I didn’t at first, but what does that have to do with the story, or with singing?

Legolas looked at her, his eyes asking her to sing.

CHESTERFIELD (circus ringmaster): Legolas, the amazing Elven contortionist, with talking eyes!

“All right.” Rosa sighed, hearing the Hobbits cheer.

BORIS (as hobbits): Yahoo! Don’t mess up, ya freak!

“I can never refuse when people give me the puppy look.”

*Silence. Dead, awkward, horrified silence*

Rosa stood and went to the musicians. She murmured something to them and they nod in acknowledge.

BORIS (as musicians): So you want us to play something called “Memory”? Well, that would be just splendid…if we KNEW THE BLOODY SONG!

Rosa walks to the stage and looks over the crowd.

CHESTERFIELD: What the…Elrond has a STAGE now?!
BORIS: This is part Harry Potter, part “Phantom of the Opera”.


Her nerves shot up.

ALL: SUUURRRRRRGE!

It had been a long time since she sang in front of a crowd.

CHESTERFIELD: Two whole days, as a matter of fact.

She looks around nervously. Her eyes meet Legolas,

*Boris opens his mouth*
CHESTERFIELD & BOROMIR: NO!


whom smiles encouragingly at her. She felt her nerves calm and her nervousness disappear.

BOROMIR: I’m feeling my mind go wild and my sanity disappear.
BORIS: I’m feeling my impatience rise and my patience disappear.
JULES (weakly): Puppy eyes…


“Um,” Rosa said. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to sing an Irish folksong that’s from my world called “Someday” and I hope you enjoy it.”

*Silence*
BOROMIR: Rosa, do you realize what you just said? To a crowd of the wisest and fairest beings in Arda?


She nods at the musicians, signaling for them to begin.

*Boris makes gunshot noises*

They nod their head and soft music began playing.

BOROMIR: Of course, since they DIDN’T KNOW THE SONG, it was the wrong tune, but who cares?

Rosa took a deep breath and began.

CHESTERFIELD: Wait…Jules, the remote! THIS is why Morgoth gave it to us!
BOROMIR (frowning): Are you certain? I wouldn’t trust him…
CHESTERFIELD: Who cares? Jules, you’ve got the remote; fast forward!


Someday
when we are wiser
when the world's older
when we have learned
I pray someday we may yet live
to live and to let live

Everyone was taken aback by her voice.

BORIS: It stank worse than an abandoned Porta-Potty.
CHESTERFIELD (sigh): Look, Boromir, whatever happens can’t make things worse than they are. Jules, push the button!
JULES (weakly): Aragorn…with puppy eyes…
CHESTERFIELD (snatching the remote from her): Fine, I’ll do it!
*He presses the fast forward button, and it works. The song lyrics fly by quickly*
(MSTier’s note: they’ll be designated by blips in this)


BLIP!

BORIS: Wow, it really does work!
CHESTERFIELD: He WAS helping us! Maybe the evil in this story is worse than anything Morgoth can think of!
BOROMIR (shudder): What a thought.


Rosa looked around the crowd, smiling.

BORIS (as Rosa): I’d like to thank my three imaginary friends and my voodoo doll for all their love and support, and my two wolf dogs—they’re not just any dogs, you know!—and my mean, nasty parents who are cruel and evil even though they bought me a king-sized bed and a computer—but I digress—and Adrian, whose tattoo of George Bush on my forehead inspired me to go into singing, and…
CHESTERFIELD: Will you give it a rest?


She saw the shocked faces of the Hobbits

BOROMIR (as hobbits): Oh, Eru, that’s dreadful! Get off the stage, you screechy little witch!

and the blush Frodo had when their eyes met.

*Meanwhile, Jules is still staring into space, looking faint and horrified*
BORIS: Jules…are you okay?
JULES (weakly): Blush…Frodo…Aragorn…puppy eyes…


She smiled warmly at him and he back.

CHESTERFIELD (pidgin): This Legolas; he back from Chicago.

She then met eyes with Legolas. She almost smiled by the look on his face. It was priceless.

CHESTERFIELD: And this is the girl who’s supposed to be modest and hates being the center of attention?!
BORIS: Chesterfield, when did this story EVER make sense?


He looked stunned and taken back by her voice.

BOROMIR: Were ALL mortals this bad?
BORIS: Hey, we’ve got lyrics sign!
CHESTERFIELD: No problemo!


BLIP!
That last word, she hit on a high note, being mindful of the elves ears.

CHESTERFIELD: Her voice shattered all the windows in the hall, and the elves covered their ears, screaming in agony.
BOROMIR: What does “mindful” mean, anyway?
JULES: Argh…can’t make fun of something so horrid…

----------------
Legolas was taken back by her voice.

BORIS: You have said that THREE TIMES NOW! STOP REPEATING YOURSELF!!!

It was beautiful and she hit the notes right and never went off key.

CHESTERFIELD: Look, Phantom’s Ange, we KNOW you want a beautiful singing voice; now shut up about it!
JULES (weakly): Beautiful…taken aback…oh, God, I can’t take it…


He could hear and see that she was mindful of the elves’ sensitive hearing

JULES & BOROMIR: Mindful…argh…used…too…much…
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, Boromir, not you too! Hang in there!


when she hit the high note on “mooooooonnnn”.

JULES (howling): OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
BORIS: Oh, great; now she’s trying to IMITATE Rosa in the story!
BOROMIR: That was actually a howl of pain, you insensitive git!
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, I’m fast-forwarding…this is a biggun…


BLIP!
Rosa closed her eyes as she sang the last note.

CHESTERFIELD: Okay, it’s almost done now.

Sssssooooooon
As the note faded, Rosa breathed deeply.

BORIS: Well, she’s not Idina Menzel, then.

She heard clapping and whistles.

BOROMIR: As the crowd cheered on a horse race going on outside the windows jusssssst behind Rosa…

She opened her eyes and blushed at the crowd and smiled, bowing down.

JULES: Ugh…
CHESTERFIELD: Does this girl do ANYTHING but smile and blush?!


She heard “Bravo!” and “Encore!”

*Jules collapses on the floor, scarcely breathing*
BOROMIR: JULES! NO!
BORIS: Now we have no hope of escaping before the next chapter!
CHESTERFIELD: We just have to keep riffing, so we don’t lose our minds too.


She then returned to her seat, earning congrats from the group like “you were great”,

BOROMIR: Look, there is NO Westron equivalent for “you were great” in Arda…

“beautiful” and others. She blushed at their comments.

BORIS: Oh, Sauron; does Rosa have the frickin’ MEASLES or something?!

Soon, the ball was finished and Rosa retired to her room.

CHESTERFIELD: Boy, some ball…two measly dances and a song from Miss Mary Sue.
BORIS (nastily): The hobbits are growing boys; they have to be in bed by midnight, you know.


Legolas asked her if he could accompany her. She agreed and as soon as she was in her room, he left for his.

BOROMIR (frustrated): So what was the point of him accompanying her, then?!
BORIS: Boromir, nothing in this story HAS a point. Stop being such an optimist.

---------------
That night after dinner, Rosa decided to sit by her balcony and listen to her music.

CHESTERFIELD: And the crowd went wild.
BORIS: The sheer action will get to us, eventually.


She had changed back into her clothes that she wore when Aragorn had found her.

BOROMIR (gasp): What were those clothes? Phantom’s Ange, you’re slacking off on those descriptions!
CHESTERFIELD: Horror!


Both Rijah and Bijan were asleep, tired from their daily activities.

BOROMIR: WHAT daily activities? Running after Pippin, getting whacked by Gandalf, and threatening Legolas?

She grabbed her headphones and placed them on her ears.

CHESTRERFIELD: No, she placed them on her elbows for a change of pace.

She then pressed; “Play” and the music began.

BORIS: Yeah, you dumbarse, that’s what USUALLY happens when you press “Play”.

It was Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel”.

BOROMIR: Oh, no…
BORIS: We are so fucked…
CHESTERFIELD (nervously): Just stay calm, guys; I’ve got the remote control.


BLIP!
---------
After the banquet, Legolas decided to stroll around Rivendell, taking in the beauty of the place.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Oh, look, Elrond has planted some flowers since I looked around Rivendell this morning…oh, look; that rock’s been moved!

He breathed in the crisp, fresh air.

BORIS (as Legolas): Smells like teen spirit!

He always felt at ease here. With all his princely duties and the stress, he felt all of it dissipate.

BOROMIR: Oh, goodness, yes. He has a busy schedule: kill giant spiders, guard Gollum, serve wine…

As he came upon a window, he noticed Rosa sitting on her balcony.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Legolas, Legolas, wherefore art thou Legolas…?
BORIS (as Legolas): Oh, Iluvatar, that’s creepy…


“Rosa?” He thought to himself. “Where did you come from, Rosa?”

BORIS: She came from Earth, you dope! Didn’t Aragorn tell you by now?!

He was in thought when her voice broke through.

BOROMIR: IT’S LOOSE!

BLIP!
---------
Rosa was in peace as she sung this song,

CHESTERFIELD: Though Legolas and any other poor elves that came within earshot of her certainly weren’t.
BORIS (as Legolas): NO! Make it stop! This is some devilry of Sauron’s; I know it!


even though inside she was screaming to be safe in her angels’ arms.

BORIS: Unfortunately for her, her name was on the Hell waiting list, and it was NEVER coming off.
CHESTERFIELD: I don’t care HOW redemptive Jules’s god is supposed to be; he wouldn’t let this…thing…into heaven under any circumstances.


Yet, she knew she would never find her angel.

BOROMIR (wince): Oh, the angst…
BORIS (wince): Oh, the lame attempts to make us feel sorry for her…


She was saddened by this, but kept it inside her.

CHESTERFIELD: Until it BURST OUT OF HER STOMACH IN THE FORM OF AN ALIEN! HAHAHA!
BORIS (in awe): I’ve never seen you so dark before, Chesterfield.


She sang with all the build up emotion

BOROMIR: She has been CRYING at every possible moment! What “build up” emotion does she have LEFT?!

from the mistreatment she endured throughout her life and poured into the song.

ALL: WHAT mistreatment?!
BORIS: It was HER dogs that attacked her father!


BLIP!
---------
Legolas was dazed by her voice.

CHESTERFIELD: It was dull enough to put him to sleep.

It was crisp and clear.

BORIS: Mmmm…crispy BACON!

Her voice was that of a dove, yet he could tell in her voice that she was sad, alone, and scared.

CHESTERFIELD: So, Boromir; do you think Phantom’s Ange wants a beautiful singing voice?
BOROMIR: Not at all; why would you think that?


He felt a tug at his heart as he listened closely to the words.

BORIS (as Legolas): Oh, heartburn…shouldn’t have eaten those chicken nuggets…

It was like she was trying to reach out to someone for comfort, yet couldn’t.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, duh; because there was nobody near her!

He felt himself wanting to comfort her,

BORIS (as Legolas): When I think of comforting Sues, I touch myself.

but stayed where he was, dazed by her voice.

BOROMIR: He really IS hypnotized by now.

BLIP!
---------
Rosa felt tears prick her eyes

BOROMIR (as Rosa): OUCH!

and she welcomed them, still keeping her voice from breaking. Even though she was in a different place, time, dimension, and such,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, wow; she couldn’t decide whether Arda was a different dimension or a different time!

she felt at home, yet alone.

BORIS (announcer): “Home Alone Four”, coming soon to a theater near you!

She made really good friends that cared about her

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah right…
BOROMIR: HOW have these people shown that they cared about her? They’ve been FLATTERING her.


and they tried to cheer her up, but it just didn’t seem to help.

BORIS: Well, that COULD be because Rosa is a big, pathetic, whiny baby.
BOROMIR: What makes you say that?
BORIS: She ACTS like a big, pathetic, whiny baby.


She missed her Earthly friends so much.

CHESTERFIELD: “Earthly Friends”? Isn’t that a kids’ show on PBS?

She knew her “parents” were probably happy that she was gone.

BOROMIR: Who wouldn’t be?

She closed her eyes as the tears flowed

BOROMIR: More “build up” emotion flooding out of her…

and sang the last phrase with everything she had.

CHESTERFIELD: Which wasn’t much…just her iPod, some strings, and her shoelaces.

BLIP!
She then felt someone lightly brush away her tears

BOROMIR: Oh, bloody…she even has to have slaves to wipe her face?!

and arms circling around her in a hug to themselves.

BORIS (gasp): It’s Doc Oc!
CHESTERFIELD: It’s the Watcher in the Water!


She opened her eyes to see….

ALL: Oh, NO…
BOROMIR: If this is more arrows, I am going to…


“Aragorn?”

CHESTERFIELD: No, it’s not more arrows.
BORIS (as Aragorn): Look, would you shut up?! You’re keeping me awake!


It was Aragorn whom was hugging her.

BOROMIR: THANK YOU, Phantom’s Ange; I figured that out from your use of his name.

He smiled sadly at her. “Are you alright?”

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): What do you think, you stupid hairball?! I’m sitting here crying and singing a sappy pop song!

Rosa looked away. “Somewhat.”

*All facefault*

Aragorn looked confused. “Oh?”
“I miss my friends from Earth,” she said.

BOROMIR: Oh, FIRST she wanted to go to Middle-Earth, and now that she’s there, she wants to go back HOME?!
BORIS: Look, can somebody PLEASE kill her?!


“Before I met you and the Hobbits, they were the only ones whom treated me with respect.”

BOROMIR: Oh, whine, whine, whine…
CHESTERFIELD: Rosa, cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it.


And so, throughout the night Rosa told him of her world,

BOROMIR: She’s even less intelligent than I thought at first.
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, the more they would know about America, the more they would hate her…don’t tell Jules that…


never knowing they had another person listening on.

BORIS (as person, cackling): Oh, man, this is gonna be GREAT for blackmail purposes…

This person was very fascinated by Rosa’s words. He took in all her words to heart.

CHESTERFIELD (as person): Horseless carriages…skyscrapers…stupid politicians…I must remember all this…

TBC

BORIS (announcer): In “Romance and Drama for Nine-Year-Olds: Part Two”!

AN: I’ve updated my site so if u want to see what the characters look like, please go to my homepage.

BOROMIR: I REFUSE to! Ha!

Two of the characters’ icons are broken, but u can still click them to see their bio

BORIS: Okay, it’s over at last! Pick up Jules, Boromir; we’ve got to get her into bed quick.
*Boromir picks up Jules and, at the same time, bursts into tears*
CHESTERFIELD: Look, it’s okay…this story is breaking your spirits, but you CAN do this…
*Boromir, however, continues to cry: loud, heart-wrenching sobs that sound odd coming from a man of his strength and stature. Boris and Chesterfield try to comfort him as he carries Jules out of the theater*
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*the group, now minus Jules, enters the theater*
BOROMIR: Poor Jules.
BORIS: Oh, she’ll get over it.
CHESTERFIELD: I hope so.


Disclaimer: All things here in belong to Tolkien or New Line Cinema.

CHESTERFIELD: ALL HAIL TOLKIEN AND NEW LINE CINEMA! ALL HAIL!
BOROMIR: Chesterfield, you don’t even know what she’s talking about.
CHESTERFIELD: So?


Rosa, Rijah, and Bijan are my only original creation.

BORIS: Well, yay, you, Phantom’s Ange. Now can we just get this over with?!

The following morning was the Council of Elrond.

CHESTERFIELD (kid’s book): And Rosa was so excited, she could hardly sit still.

Gandalf and Frodo along with a group of Men, Elves and Dwarves

BORIS: Oh, thanks for, you know, being so specific there and introducing us to characters that might potentially be important later on…yep…

sit in a circle around a stone pedestal.

CHESTERFIELD (as Elrond): Okay, class, it’s Show-and-Tell; does anyone have something special they’d like to share?

Rosa was wearing another dress, but this one was a light blue.

*all gasp*
BOROMIR: It was LIGHT BLUE! LIGHT BLUE!
BORIS: Even more description! This is the best story in the world!


Her hair braided in elvish style.

BOROMIR (seething): ELVISH! With a capital “e”! It isn’t that hard!

She sat next to Aragorn. Both Bijan & Rijah were lying at her feet.

BOROMIR: WHAT?
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, brother…


“Strangers from distant lands, friends of old.

CHESTERFIELD: “Brand-new enemies, neighbors from next door…”

You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor.

CHESTERFIELD: “So let’s all stand up and give Sauron and Mordor a big ‘KISS MY ASS!’ from Rivendell!”

Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate--this one doom.”

BORIS (as Elrond): So no pressure, everyone.
CHESTERFIELD (as Elrond): Now, who’s up for some pizza?


Elrond says and then beckons Frodo to stand.

BOROMIR (as Elrond, cackling voice): Come here, my sweet potato brain…ha, ha, ha, ha…

“And we have the pleasure of having the prophesized one with us too.

BORIS (“Price is Right”): Rosa Monroe! Come on down!

Come forth, Rosa and Frodo. Bring forth the Ring, too.”

BOROMIR: WHAT? “Come forth, prophesized one. Oh, yes, bring the Ring too; that might be important as well.”

Rosa was confused that she called to step forth.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Did Elrond catch me passing a note in class? Am I gonna be sent to the principal’s office?

“This wasn’t in the movie or book.” she thought.

BOROMIR: WHAT movie or book?
CHESTERFIELD: Damn, I wish Jules were here.
BORIS: So do I.


But she stepped forward with Frodo.

BORIS (singing): One hop this time…one hop this time…cha-cha now, y’all…

Frodo places the Ring on the pedestal and returns to his seat with a sigh.

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): Oh, boy, am I out of shape…

Rosa stands next to the Ring and looks around,

BOROMIR (as Rosa): Elrond, why does everyone have tomatoes and rotten eggs in their hands?

feeling alone and frightened.

BOROMIR (as Elrond): Now spell “antidisestablishmentarianism”.

When her gaze met Legolas, he smiled encouragingly and she felt a lot better.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Oh, Rosa, I KNOW you can do it…you’ve been practicing your piece for this audition for a month!

She then looked at Frodo and saw

BOROMIR (maliciously): DEATH!

that he’s relieved to have the Ring away from himself.

BORIS: Oh, no…
CHESTERFIELD: Is she going to take the Ring?
BOROMIR (horror): Jules was right!


The council members start to whisper among themselves.

CHESTERFIELD: “So, did we come here for a council about the Ring or for a one-woman pantomime?”

Boromir’s eyes widen in shock at seeing Rosa standing next to the Ring.

BOROMIR: “Oh, Valar, even this evil Ring is better looking than she is!”

Rosa’s the prophesized one?”

BOROMIR: THANK YOU!
BORIS (as Boromir): Here’s lookin’ at you, wimp.


“Yes, she is,” Gandalf said. “Lord Boromir.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Hey, my vocabulary’s expanded by two words!

“How can she be the one whom will be Sauron’s downfall?” he asked.

BOROMIR: “All she can do is blush, smile, and nod! My Eru, why hast thou forsaken us?”

“She has the power to either bring peace to Middle-Earth or be its destruction.” Gandalf said.

*Silence*
BOROMIR: So what’s Gandalf still hanging around for, then? For that matter, why are the elves still in Middle-Earth?
CHESTERFIELD: More importantly, WHY THE HELL DID SAURON CREATE THE RING?


Rosa fearfully looked at Gandalf. “WHAT?!”

BORIS (as Gandalf): Well, you don’t need to scream in my ear, Rosa; I’m standing right next to you!

Tears began to wield in her eyes.

ALL: WIELD?!

“No!” she cried.

CHESTERFIELD (Ator): Noo! NOO!

“Its true, Rosalyn,” Elrond said.

BORIS: WHOSE true?
BOROMIR: I think you mean WHO’S true.
BORIS: No, I mean…oh, shit.


Everyone looked at him.

BORIS: “Elrond, have you been hitting the miruvor one too many times?”

Rosa’s eyes begged him to tell her it wasn’t true.
“I’m sorry, Rosalyn.”

CHESTERFIELD: “Believe me; I had NOTHING to do with this…if I could have had my way, you would have been slaughtered by orcs the minute you arrived in Middle-Earth…”

Rosa felt her knees go weak and she fell,

BORIS: And THAT’S the person who has the power to defeat Sauron?!
CHESTERFIELD: What is she gonna do, cry and faint all over him?


but Aragorn quickly caught her and

BOROMIR: Threw her off the balcony?

helped her to stand. She leant onto him for dear life.

CHESTERFIELD: Ironically, her stomach was impaled by the sword he was wearing, killing her instantly.

“Maybe we should postpone the Council until Rosa feels much better.” Gandalf suggested.

ALL: WHAT?!
BORIS: Yeah, we’ve only gotta figure out what to do with the Ring before Sauron sends out his forces, but, hey! That can wait while Snow White here recovers her strength!


“I agree,” Elrond said. “We shall continue the Council same time tomorrow.”

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, come on; that’s like postponing a war meeting at the Pentagon until Bush’s daughters recover from bad colds!
BORIS: Good one.


Everyone nodded in agreement and began leaving.

BOROMIR: “Well, we only traveled thousands of leagues to get here, but now let’s all go home for lunch.”
---------------
Aragorn helped Rosa to her room and sat her on her bed. He bent in front so he could read her face and gently held her hands in his.

CHESTERFIELD: I…uh…
BORIS: Oh, go ahead; Jules isn’t here.
CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): You ripped my hands off, you jerk! Give them back right now!


“Are you well, Rosalyn?”
“I…. I…”

BOROMIR: “Ehh…ehhh…EHHHHH!”
CHESTERFIELD: Her brain cell count has gone from three to about one-half.


Aragorn sighed sadly. “I know it was a lot to take in.

BORIS: It wasn’t! She’s more important than Frodo and the Ring! It’s that simple!

But what Lord Elrond said was true.”
Rosa looked at him.

BORIS (as Rosa): Ooh…man…cute…uggggg…

“You are the prophesized one whom will be Sauron’s defeat.”
“What of Frodo and the Ring?”

BOROMIR: “Eh…eh…whine…whine…”
CHESTERFIELD: “Look, Rosa, you’re a fuckin’ main character in this; deal with it!”


He smiled gently at her. “All will be explained in the Council.”

BORIS: Yeah, or it WOULD have been, if Mary Sue hadn’t DECIDED TO BE OVER-DRAMATIC!!

He said. “Now, you must rest.”

BOROMIR: AGAIN?!
CHESTERFIELD: She’s only been resting for six days, recovering from the wound! How much frickin’ rest does she need?!


Rosa agreed and Aragorn helped her into the bed and covered her with the sheet and comforter.

BOROMIR: Oh, how sweet… (retch)
CHESTERFIELD (nervously): Don’t puke, Boromir…remember, we don’t have the barf bags anymore.


Once her head hit the pillow, she was out.

ALL: BOOM!

Aragorn smiled at her peaceful expression.

BORIS: Excellent; she wouldn’t suspect that he was about to KILL HER.

Ever since she and her dogs were brought here,

CHESTERFIELD: Life was good…at least compared to being trapped in Angband.
BOROMIR: I think I’d prefer Angband.


he took on the role as the big brother and thought of her as the sister he never had.

BORIS: After about TEN MEASLY DAYS!
BOROMIR: Yes, Rosa is the bratty, spoiled, pestering little sister Aragorn never had.


He then gently moved loose strands of hair that had fallen.

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Goddamn cat hair on the ceiling…

Rosa shifted and Aragorn took his hand back,

BORIS (as Aragorn): Look, just stop twitching and die already, would you?!

thinking she had awoken, but she went back to sleep.

BOROMIR: THANK YOU, Phantom’s Ange; I so wished to know that Rosa nearly woke up, but didn’t.

Just then there came knocking.

BORIS (nurse from “Ferris Bueler”): We’ve come to help restore your pluck, ‘cause I’m the nurse that likes to…

Aragorn looked to the door and then once more to Rosa

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Hmmm…the visitor…Mary Sue…decisions, decisions…

and saw that she hadn’t wakened.

BORIS (as Rosa, Mike Nelson): Oh, why did they leave me so heavily medicated?

He walked to the door and slightly opened it, seeing

BOROMIR: Bill Martin from the circus. He had followed his trademarked Wolf Dogs even to Middle-Earth.

the four Hobbits, Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli.

CHESTERFIELD: In other words, everyone in the Fellowship except you, Boromir.
BORIS: Geez, Phantom’s Ange really DOES hate you.
BOROMIR (scowl): The feeling’s mutual.


He placed a finger to his lips, telling them to be quiet.

CHESTERFIELD: Lips have a mind of their own.

He then walked out, closing the door behind him.

BORIS: “Well, now that THAT’S outta the way, I’ll just lock the door here, and we’ll not open it for a while.”

“How’s the lass?”

BOROMIR: “Overly dramatic.”
CHESTERFIELD: “Ridiculously weak.”
BORIS: “Mind-numbingly stupid.”


Aragorn sighed. “She’s exhausted.”

CHESTERFIELD: Shocking news’ll do that to ya. Right.

“Will she be all right?” This came from Pippin.

BOROMIR: “SHE ONLY FAINTED BECAUSE SHE HEARD SOMETHING SHOCKING! OF COURSE SHE’LL BE ALL RIGHT!”

“I’m not sure, Pippin.”

CHESTERFIELD: “That depends on whether I decide to kill her with a sword, with strychnine, or with an arrow.”

“I think its best that we leave her to get her rest,” Gandalf said. “Come Hobbits.”

BORIS: You know, they’re all talking about how IMPORTANT it is she gets her rest…so why don’t they just give her a PERMANENT rest and KILL HER?
CHESTERFIELD: ‘Cause dying wouldn’t give her a rest; she’d be burning in hell for all eternity.
BORIS (suspiciously): Did Jules teach you that one, Chesterfield?


They all nod and leave. The only ones left were Legolas and Aragorn.

BORIS: But she just said they ALL nodded and left.
BOROMIR: Phantom’s Ange, stop contradicting yourself.


“She didn’t know she was the one?”

CHESTERFIELD: Of course not; she’s got such an empty head you could use it for a tom-tom!

“No,” Aragorn shook his head. “I’m very surprised Gandalf didn’t tell her beforehand.”

BOROMIR: Well, judging from her behavior, it seems obvious WHY Gandalf didn’t tell her beforehand.
BORIS: Unless Mithrandir LIKES watching teenage girls cry and faint.


Legolas sighed. “Well, I’m going to go to the Archery arena.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): I’m off to shoot myself in the heart with an arrow. See ya.

Aragorn nodded and watched as Legolas left.

ALL: STOP BLOODY NODDING!!!
----------------
Later that night, after Rosa had awoken a couple of hours ago,

BOROMIR: It turned out that the Fellowship had snuck off without her, and that Elrond and the members of his household had sailed for the Undying Lands, leaving her alone in Rivendell.

she was strolling through the many gardens of Rivendell.

BORIS (as Rosa, stupidly): Where’s the city?! I thought Rivendell was a city! Where’d it go?

She had washed up and now wearing a pale yellow dress.

BOROMIR: NOBODY CARES!!!

As she strolled through the garden, she thought of the day’s recent events.

BORIS (as Rosa): I slept…and then woke up…and slept some more…and had dinner on a tray…and slept…and washed up and changed…boy, wasn’t this a fun day?

What do they mean I’m the prophesized one?

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, look up “prophesized” in the dictionary, dumbass—if you can READ the dictionary, that is.

What’s a “Sun-child” anyway?” she thought.

BOROMIR: Well, why are you asking US?
BORIS: Yeah, we’re clueless.


“The Council should be about on how to destroy the Ring and the forming of the Fellowship.”

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, tell it to Phantom’s Ange, Rosa. Sheesh.

Rosa sighed and strolled out of the garden and onto a bridge that was made of wood and was the color of white.

BORIS: Why didn’t she just say “a white wooden bridge”?
CHESTERFIELD: Because some idiot told her wordiness makes you smart.


As she gazed at the pond that held Lilly pads,

BOROMIR: Oh, THAT’S where all the missing letter “l’s” in “all right” went.

she inhaled the scent, feeling her nerves begin to calm.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Ah, I love the smell of pond scum and dead fish!

“Why is my life so complicated?” she sighed sadly,

BOROMIR (enraged): YOUR life is complicated?! YOUR LIFE??!! YOU are not the one who is faced with the impending destruction of your city…or your own life!!!
CHESTERFIELD: Can someone PLEASE kill her now?! And kill Phantom’s Ange too, for safety’s sake?!


feeling tears well up. A few drops fell and hit the rail.

BORIS (singing): She’s singin’ in the rain…just singin’ in the rain…

“Rosalyn?” came a whisper.

BOROMIR (Gollum): Rossssalyn…ssssshe thinkssss precioussss isssss not important…fat, ssssstupid Ssssue…musssst die, precioussss…

She turned to see Frodo looking at her with a sad smile.

BORIS (as Frodo): Oh, I know my Gollum impression wasn’t that good…go on, admit it…I always wanted to be a movie star, but… (sniff)…sadly, I’m a failure…

“Frodo!” she gasped, wiping away the tears. “What are you doing here this late?”

CHESTERFIELD: “It’s way past your bedtime, young man! I want you in your room, lights out immediately, and no comic-book reading!”

“I was worried about you,” he blushed.

BOROMIR (groan): Ohhhh…
BORIS: There’s that contagious rash again.


“I went to your room and knocked.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, great, just great, Frodo; what color boxers did you have on at the time?

When I got no reply, I remembered that you enjoyed strolling through the gardens.”

BOROMIR: "So I just followed you here, even though you could have been using the bathroom or something."

Rosa smiled. “Thank you for your concern Frodo.”

BORIS (as Frodo): Oh, you’re welcome…by the way, if you ever feel like offering me any sympathy, seeing as how I’ve got this Ring and all, don’t hesitate…no, really, don’t hesitate…please?

She was earned with a smile from the Hobbit.

CHESTERFIELD: So now she’s a literal WHORE?!
BOROMIR: Quite a cheap one, if she lets herself be bought for SMILES.


Frodo then stood next to her.

BORIS: Oh, man, this story BRIMS with nonstop action!

“Are you well?” he asked.

BOROMIR: Frodo, think about it. She fainted because of a piece of shocking news. Does that sound like “well” to you?

Rosa sighed. “I’m…just overwhelmed by what both Gandalf and Lord Elrond had said at the Council.”

BOROMIR: See? Rosa just answered your question. We can readily conclude that she is NOT WELL. Easy as anything.
CHESTERFIELD: Look, Frodo, stupidity isn’t contagious!


“Oh?”
She looked at him. “You know I’m aware of what’s going to happen, Frodo,”

BORIS (as Frodo): You are?! Cool! So is the Quest going to succeed?
CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo, hopefully): Are you going to die a horrible death?


At this, he nodded.
“The Council should be about on how to destroy the Ring, not me.”

BOROMIR (as Frodo): No, no, no…first thing’s first: we must destroy YOU before we destroy the Ring. Thus, the Council about how to destroy YOU.

Frodo placed a comforting hand over hers and she looked over at him.

BORIS (as Rosa): Frodo, I just realized…you’re made of plastic!

“Everything will turn out all right in the end, Rosa,” Frodo smiled.

BOROMIR: Well, why are you telling HER that? I thought SHE was the one who knew what was going to happen!

She returned his smile.

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): Well, no refunds!

She then gave him a hug. “Thanks, Frodo.”

BOROMIR (as Frodo): You’re welcome…now GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.

“Come,” he said gently dragging her.

BORIS: Dude, that is a STRONG hobbit.
CHESTERFIELD: When trying to be caring, he gains the strength of a thousand water buffalo.


“We must get some rest.”

BOROMIR: ARGH! That is the FOURTH TIME that exact phrase has been used in this chapter alone!
BORIS: Help! We’re trapped in a time warp!


Rosa nodded and let Frodo drag her back to the palace.

*Chesterfield makes grunting and straining sounds*
BOROMIR: Now there’s a PALACE in Rivendell?


I really hope you’re right, Frodo.” she thought.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Oh, Frodo, I DO hope you’re right…
*Boris hums “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”

-----------------




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(Wo)man on a Mission
The next day, The Council began where it left off.

BOROMIR (as Elrond): Now, where were we? Oh, yes, Boromir was skeptical about Rosa here being important, she fainted…

Rosa was wearing a pale blue dress. Both Rijah and Bijan were at her heel.

CHESTERFIELD: NO! It’s another time warp!
BORIS: It’s another attack of deja-vu!


“Please stand before the altar, Rosalyn,” Elrond said.

CHESTERFIELD: And…now Elrond has an ALTAR.
BOROMIR: You learn something new every day.


Rosa stood and walked to the plinth that the Ring was placed on again.

BORIS (movie director): Council of Elrond with Mary Sue: Take Two.

“As I’ve said before,” Elrond began.

BOROMIR: “Pepsi is TEN TIMES better than Coke.”

“Every one of you is bound to the Ring and Rosalyn is the prophesized one whom will be our salvation or our destruction.”

BOROMIR: Well, your GRAMMAR certainly needs salvation, Elrond.
BORIS: Just as well Jules isn’t here.


“So it is true...” Boromir murmured as he gazed at Rosa. “You ARE the one.”

BORIS: “I’ve just lost all my faith in Iluvatar and the Valar right at this moment.”

“In a dream, I saw the eastern sky grow dark. But in the West a pale light lingered. A voice was crying: Your doom is near at hand.”

BOROMIR, Well, that was a VERY watered-down and edited version of my vision, but all right.

Boromir said as he rose and approaches the Ring.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, SARUMAN!
BOROMIR: Forget it; I can’t ignore these bloody tense changes any longer!


“And then I heard a feminine voice countering the other and the first voice was gone.”

BOROMIR: Wha…that wasn’t in my dream!
BORIS: “Oddly enough, all this feminine voice had to say was, ‘Eh…eh…EHHHHH!’ and the other voice left screaming in agony.”


Boromir looked at Rosa and then the Ring.

BORIS (singing): One of these things is not like the other…

He reached towards the Ring and both Elrond and Gandalf share a concerned look.

CHESTERFIELD (as Elrond): Er…Boromir? You DO realize that’s Sauron’s Ring of Power, don’t you?
BORIS (as Gandalf): No, Boromir, that isn’t your late Yuletide present; I was going to give you that later…do you hear me?


His fingers were now just barely touching the Ring.

CHESTERFIELD: Sheesh, Boromir, you’ve got unbelievably-slow reflexes in this thing.

“Isildur's Bane is found.” He muttered.

BOROMIR: “And I’m Captain Obvious.”

He had a glazed look on his face.

BORIS (Tom Servo): Oh, in the name of all that is clay!

The Ring began to utter a harsh chant

BOROMIR (groan): Oh, please…now the Ring TALKS?!
BORIS: What, is Anduril gonna start singing opera next?!


and Gandalf abruptly stood, speaking the Black Speech as thunder cracked and the sky darkened.

CHESTERFIELD (grimace): How astonishingly convenient.
BOROMIR: Rosa has finally brought the wrath of Eru down on her head.


Rosa gasped and became frightened at the sight before her.

CHESTERFIELD: For there was Marilyn Manson in a clown suit making balloon animals.

Both Elrond and Legolas closed their eyes and looked to be in pain.

BORIS: “Oh, Eru, THIS IS REALLY BAD GAS!”

Everyone stared around in both fear and confusion.

CHESTERFIELD: “Hey, did we just get dropped into a movie or something?”
BOROMIR: Funny; I had such a strange feeling when you said that, Chesterfield.


Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.” Gandalf spoke.

BOROMIR (clutching his ears): Argh! I cannot bear to read it!
BORIS (snickering): Ah, yes…forgot that you were on the pansy side, Boromir.
BOROMIR: Oh, shut up.


The Ring’s voice died down and the sky cleared.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yep…when the inanimate objects start talking, the weather gets rough.

Everyone was horrified, including Boromir, whom resumed seating.

BOROMIR: “All right, forget it…father was right; elves and wizards ARE barking mad…I’m returning to Gondor as soon as possible…”

“Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here in Imladris!” Elrond exclaimed, clearly angered.

BORIS (as Elrond): This is going to get Imladris SUCH a bad name, you inconsiderate git!

“I do not ask your pardon, Master Elrond,

CHESTERFIELD (as Elrond): Look, that wasn’t what I was going to…never mind.

for the Black Speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the West!

BORIS: Hmmm…Jackson Hole, Wyoming? Salem, Oregon?

The Ring is altogether Evil!”

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): EVIL…Hahahahaha! Thunder and lightning!

Gandalf rasped clearly from using the language and the words.

BOROMIR: How do you “rasp clearly”?
BORIS: Must be an old wizard’s trick.


Before being seated, Gandalf gave Boromir one final scathing glance.

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Boromir, don’t you DARE laugh at my Count von Count imitation!

Rosa worriedly looked at Gandalf and he caught her eye.

BORIS: Good thing Rosa threw it to him.

“Are you all right?” she mouthed.

BOROMIR (as Gandalf): Wait… “are you off-white”? “Mom’s blue and bright”? What’s that you’re saying, Rosa?

Gandalf nodded.

CHESTERFIELD (disgustedly): Oh, surprise, surprise.

“They’re both gifts.” Boromir said, gaining everyone’s attention.

BOROMIR: “Both”? What’s the other gift?
CHESTERFIELD: Rosa’s the silly joke-gift given to you on April Fool’s Day.


“A gift to the foes of Mordor.

BORIS: “Thank Eru it’s returnable!”

Why not use this Ring and the prophesized one?” Boromir continues.

BOROMIR: Because the “prophesized one” is USELESS!
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, but why not use the Ring?


He then began pacing. “Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay.

BORIS: Oh, right, by stuffing his face and looking into the palantir, eh?
BOROMIR (horrified): Liar! Who told you?
BORIS: Jules.
BOROMIR (dangerously): I shall have to have a talk with that girl when we get out of here…


By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe!

CHESTERFIELD (Yoda): “Finish your training, you will!”

Give Gondor the Ring of the enemy,”

BOROMIR: “As for the ‘prophesized one,’ feed her to the Wargs.”

He then stood next to Rosa, making her feel uncomfortable.

BORIS (as Rosa): Boromir…ouch…you’re…standing on my foot…oof…

Boromir looked at her, “and the One. Let us use them against him!”

BOROMIR (shaking his head): I still fail to see, for the life of me, how Rosa can be used against Sauron.
CHESTERFIELD: Easy! Just send her into Minas Morgul and she’ll drive everyone insane with her whining!


Boromir lustfully gazed at Rosa.

BOROMIR (sickened): Oh, Eru…oh, I’m going to be ill…

She forces down a shiver of fright. The way he looks at her…

BORIS: Like he wants to chop her into bits with an axe and then burn her…

“You can’t use them!” Everyone glanced at Aragorn.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): Yeah? Bite me!

“None of us can. The one Ring answers only to Sauron. It has no other master and you can not use Rosa.”

BORIS (as Aragorn): Not to worry, everyone! I haven’t forgotten Rosa!

“Why shouldn’t we?” Boromir asked. “Its prophesized that Rosa is the one to bring the downfall of Sauron.”

CHESTERFIELD: “Because Eru obviously MADE A MISTAKE when he made her the prophesized one! He picked the wrong person!”

“Because she’s a living, breathing person

BOROMIR: Oh, thank you, Aragorn; I thought she was a dead, anaerobic cricket bat.

and not something we should use to defeat Sauron.” Aragorn argued.

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): I mean, look at her!

Rosa sighed contently.

BORIS (as Rosa): Ah, I’m the center of attention…I feel SO wonderful…

She looked at Legolas, whom was watching Boromir closely.

CHESTERFIELD: Legolas’s soul was calling out to Boromir’s, but for some strange reason, Boromir’s wasn’t answering.

She felt her fear diminish when he looked at her. He smiled at her and she felt a lot better.

BOROMIR (as Legolas): Don’t worry, Rosa; you won’t be fed to the Wargs. Instead, you’ll be put to sleep with an overdose of horse tranquilizers.

“Is it not in scripture that she has powers that will aid us?

BORIS: Scripture?
CHESTERFIELD: Good grief.


“Yes, it is,” Aragorn said, “But we don’t know what her powers are.”

BOROMIR: Does it even occur to anyone that this “scripture” might be a hoax written by a practical joker?!

Legolas stood. “As Lord Elrond has said, she is the prophesized one, the Sun Child.

BOROMIR: “Well, seeing as how that means NOTHING to me…”

You owe her your respect and loyalty.”

BORIS: “We must all bow down to the High-and-Mighty Crybaby!”

Boromir looked disbelievingly. Even Rosa was surprised. She gazed at Legolas.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa, stupidly): Huh...like, what?

“A Sun child?” he asks.
“Yes.” Legolas replies, yet anger and venom was in his voice when he replied.

BORIS (as Boromir): Well, sheesh, I was just ASKING…
CHESTERFIELD: Legolas Thranduillion IS the Slytherin Serpent!


“She has the powers of the Sun and the elements.

BORIS: Ah, so she has a strong gravitational pull, her average temperature is 4,000 degrees, and she can form ionic and covalent bonds!

It was read that when the sun was brightest, it touched Middle-Earth and the first child it touched was granted with extraordinary powers.”

*Silence*
BORIS (Stretch): THAT is SO STUPID you hurt my head!
CHESTERFIELD: Wouldn’t the first child it touched be near the EQUATOR? I mean, considering…
BOROMIR: The light from Arien’s vessel touches me all the time, but does that make me a wizard? NO!


Legolas walked a little ways away from his seat.

BORIS (as Legolas): Gasp…gasp…pant…

“This child possessed powers of the sun,

BOROMIR (confused): So she was a fiery spirit, and Morgoth was afraid to look into her eyes?

the elements and had the ability communicate with creatures.

CHESTERFIELD: Wow; that’s quite a package, there!
BORIS: Oh, GREAT; even more reason for everyone to fall down and kiss her feet.


And the child was able to calm the wildest of hearts.”

BORIS: “As a result, she was a big help in hospitals, where patients were suffering from heart problems.”

He looked at Rosa. “The wielder of these powers could be either good or evil.

BOROMIR: “Unfortunately, Rosa here is obviously the latter…”

The birth of the Sun-child only occurred every 2,000 years.

CHESTERFIELD: “Sadly, the writer of the Akallabeth must have forgotten to mention the last one.”

We’re very fortunate that Rosa is a Sun-child.”

BOROMIR (preacher): “Now, let us pray.”

“I see,” Boromir said.

BORIS: “That’s the biggest load of horse manure I’ve ever heard.”

He then turned his attention to Aragorn. “And whom is the mere ranger?”

CHESTERFIELD: “Your seventh-grade English teacher. Now, what’s that you just said?”

“He is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.”

BOROMIR: WHAT?! If anybody was that rude…

Rosa hissed.

BOROMIR (groan): Oh, why am I not surprised?
CHESTERFIELD: D’oh!


“Aragorn?” Boromir said, disbelieving as he gazed upon Aragorn. “This... is Isildur's heir?”

BORIS: “This is the future king, and HE DOESN’T EVEN SHOWER?!”

“And heir to the throne of Gondor.” Legolas finished.

BOROMIR: Thanks for being so tactful there, Legolas.

Legolas gazed at Rosa, whom met his gaze and smiled. He smiled back.

BORIS: He nodded at her. She nodded back. She blushed at him. He blushed back. He made farting noises at her. She…
CHESTERFIELD: Ya wanna give it a rest, Boris?


Frodo stared wide-eyed at Aragorn.

BOROMIR (as Frodo): Oh, Eru, I just noticed; he’s got a bird’s nest over his left ear!

“Havo dad (Sit down), Legolas.” Aragorn gently ordered, motioning his hand.

ALL (as Aragorn): AND SHUT UP!!!

Legolas sat, anger clearly in his eyes.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): I am the prince of Mirkwood and of all that is prissy and girlish! NO ONE tells me what to do!

Rosa then looked at Elrond. “May I sit, Lord Elrond?”

BORIS (as Elrond): No, you bitch! Deal with it!

Elrond smiled and concurred. Rosa returned to her seat.

BOROMIR: And they all lived happily ever after…Iluvatar, this is dull!

“Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king.” Boromir spat, returning to his seat sighing.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): Puff…oh, man, I should NOT have had those bean burritos…

Rosa “Pfft!”

BOROMIR: Oh, that’s disgusting, Rosa!
CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): Oh, yuck…I shouldn’t have given Rosa those bean burritos…


She saw Aragorn smiling at her. She returned it.

BORIS (as Aragorn): I’m smiling WITH you, not at you… (snicker)…

“Rosa and Aragorn are right. We cannot use them both.” Gandalf commented.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, says who? Why don’t you just have Rosa fart on Barad-dur?

Rosa looked at Gandalf, whom had a twinkle in his eye.

BORIS (singing): I’ve got a golden ticket, I’ve got a golden twinkle in my eye…

Rosa stifled herself from giggling, but managed a smile.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): I just, like, watched the FUNNIEST episode of “Full House” last week!

Legolas looked upon Rosa, watching her. She intrigued him greatly.

BOROMIR (as Legolas): Are ALL mortal this pathetic and smelly? Well, Aragorn IS smelly, I admit, but he’s certainly not pathetic…

“You have only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed.” Elrond concluded, ignoring the outbursts.

BORIS: Oh, nice to see that it took you two Council sessions to decide on that, Elrond, though apparently you KNEW it already.

“What are we waiting for?” Gimli said. He seized his axe and approached the Ring.

BOROMIR: Since when is Gimli completely irrational?

“NO, GIMLI! WAIT!” Rosa yelled; yet it was too late.

CHESTERFIELD: He chopped her in half with his axe. Her innards spilled out all over the floor.

“ARGH!” Gimli yells.

ALL: Shiver me timbers, me hearties!

Gimli strikes the Ring as hard as he can, but is thrown back, falling to the ground.

BORIS (as Rosa): Oh, shit…I was going to tell him that that was a fake Ring with a spring inside it…

Pieces of the axe flew here and there. The council stood and avoids oncoming pieces.

*Boris imitates video game music*

One came towards Frodo. He looked petrified.

CHESTERFIELD: Argh! WHY is Frodo acting like a deer in a car’s headlights in this fic?!

Gandalf was blocking some with his staff and he was a little ways away. Rosa saw this.

BORIS: Well, hot damn.

“FRODO!” she yelled.

BOROMIR: “SNAP OUT OF IT!”

The others watch as Rose ran over. She stood right in front of the now standing and frightened Hobbit.

BORIS (as Frodo): GEEZ! Don’t JUMP on me like that, you gasbag!

She jumped and high-kicked the pieces away, making sure they didn’t hit any of the Council.

ALL: Huh?
BOROMIR: “High-kicked”?


As she stood again, she looked towards Frodo. He smiled and she back.

BOROMIR: Argh! Why this fic?! Why not “Gimli/You”?!
BORIS: Look, I don’t even understand ANYTHING in this story anymore…for instance, WHY THE HELL ARE THEY SMILING?!
CHESTERFIELD: I’m starting to think Phantom’s Ange doesn’t know either.


One came at Rosa when her back was turned. Both Legolas and Aragorn saw this.

BORIS: Oh, Sauron, so it’s taken about TEN MINUTES for the pieces of Gimli’s axe to hit the floor?!
BOROMIR (scowl): Rosa Monroe, destroyer of the space-time continuum.


“Rosalyn, look out!”

BOROMIR: Oh, they needn’t worry…it will take at least another two minutes for it to hit her.
BORIS: Hey, who else is picturing them talking in slow motion, like on a broken record?


Rosa turned to see the biggest piece coming at her. She quickly grabbed Gandalf’s staff

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): What are you…give that back, you little brat!

and twirled it in her hands in the shape of a circle.

BORIS: And then in the shape of a square.
BOROMIR: And then in the shape of a trapezoid.


The pieces came at her, but with the staff twirling, the pieces never touched her

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah, I really see the connection…really…ha, bullshit!

and they went skewing away from everyone.

BOROMIR (sigh): All right, I am lost. Can someone hand me that dictionary to try eating?

Rosa breathes deeply. Her movements amazed everyone.

BORIS (as Elrond): Rosa, what part of THIS IS A SERIOUS COUNCIL AND YOU SHOULD SIT STILL AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT don’t you understand?!

She saw their faces and shrugged her shoulders like it was no big deal.

BOROMIR (shaking his head): Bad Rosa.
CHESTERFIELD: If they’re all angry at her, she should be APOLOGIZING.


She then made sure Frodo was all right,

BOROMIR (as Frodo): Well, I WAS all right, before YOU jumped on me and scared the life out of me…

and gave Gandalf his staff back. As soon as she sat down, she hears Sauron in her mind.

BORIS: “Oh, shit, that’s not the spirit of Larry the Voodoo Doll after all!”

“You will be mine soon, Rosalyn.”

BOROMIR: ”Along with a brand-new plasma-screen TV!”

Rosa gasped. Her eyes widen in terror.

BORIS (as Rosa): The creepy guy in the clown suit is back!

Sauron was in her head!

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, THAT’S why she’s so stupid and can’t seem to stay on her feet for even one hour…huh?!

Everyone heard her gasp and looked upon her.

BOROMIR: “Oh, good Iluvatar, she’s going to faint again. Can we just get on with it WITHOUT her now?”

Aragorn, Gandalf, Frodo, and Elrond were worried.

BORIS: WHY? The girl faints PRACTICALLY EVERY DAY! It’s a normal occurrence by now!

Aragorn gently grasped her shoulders.

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Rosa, snap out of it. You’re the Sun-Child now, and that means you CAN’T be such a wimp!

“Rosalyn?” Aragorn whispers.

BORIS (as Aragorn, whispering): Can I finally kill you now?

“Aragorn will never take the throne of Gondor.” He spoke.

BOROMIR: Wait…wasn’t he supposed to NOT KNOW about Aragorn? Isn’t that why Aragorn was raised by Elrond?
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, just sit back and watch the train wreck.


“I’ll make sure he dies.”

BORIS (as Sauron): Actually, I probably shouldn’t be TELLING you this, seeing as how you hang around him all the time, but hey; I’m under the same stupidity curse as everyone on your side!

“NEVER!” Rosa yelled.

BOROMIR (as Rosa): My bold type and capital letters will DESTROY you!

I’ll make sure Aragorn takes the throne

CHESTERFIELD: “And just to make sure, I’ll kill Denethor and Faramir!”
BOROMIR: Watch your tongue, you!


and you will be destroyed once and for all.”

BORIS: Rosa, you idiot, shut up; you’re gonna give away the plans!

Sauron snarled in anger.

CHESTERFIELD (as Sauron): FEAR my Shere Khan imitation!

“Never! I will rule Middle-Earth with you by my side.

BOROMIR: Wait…so Sauron actually wants to share power?!
BORIS: That’s just WRONG!


You will bear me sons that will conquer Middle-Earth.

ALL: UGH!!
BOROMIR: She couldn’t even GET pregnant by a Maia!
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, geez; this thing just gets better and better!


And no one will stop me from getting you.”

BORIS (Wicked Witch of the West): “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dogs too!”

He grinned evilly.

BOROMIR: Sauron has a mouth?

Pain suddenly hit her.

ALL: BONK!

Rosas’ eyes bug out and she screamed;

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Oh, God, it’s a spider! I hate spiders!

clutching her head, eyes tightly shut in pain as Sauron probed her mind.

BORIS (as Sauron): Hellooooo in there…

She fell to the ground.

BOROMIR (as Elrond): That is the SECOND time she has fainted during the Council!
CHESTERFIELD (as Gimli): Hey, who wants to keep a record of how many times she faints?


Instantly, Aragorn was at her side.
“Rosa, are you alright?”

BORIS: Oh, Aragorn, she’s just being dramatic! Ignore her and she’ll get up and stop this foolishness.

Rosa opened her eyes to come in contact with grey.

BOROMIR: Hey, there’s a mumak standing in front of her!

She shook her head.

CHESTERFIELD: Her few brain cells made rattling sounds as she did so.

“He’s in my head.” She hissed. Pain clearly in her voice.

*Boromir chews on the dictionary*

Frodo looked worriedly at her.

BORIS (as Frodo): Oh, boy…at first I was suspicious that she was insane; now I’m SURE of it.

Gandalf was at her side in a flash.

BORIS (singing): Goodness gracious, great balls of fire…!

“Who, Rosa?”

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): My dad!

“Sauron.” Rosa whimpered. “Make him stop, Gandalf! He’s hurting me!”

ALL (as Gandalf): I KNOW!

Sauron cackled.

BORIS: Oh, that’s intimidating.
BOROMIR: This story is actually making me feel almost sorry for Sauron!


“And for your defiance, I’ll leave you a token of my “affections” for you.”

BORIS (as Sauron) And it’s…a brand-new car!

He then grabbed his whip

CHESTERFIELD: GAH! HE CAN’T GRAB A WHIP! HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY HANDS AT THIS POINT!

and stuck her

BORIS: To the ceiling with super-glue.

, breaking the skin. “You will have no future with the Fellowship or a certain elf.

BOROMIR: Elrond?
BORIS: Elladan?
CHESTERFIELD: Glorfindel?


I’ve seen the way you look at him.

BOROMIR (as Sauron): And now I’m going to EMBARRASS you to death! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

He’ll never love you once he’s aware of your secret.

BORIS: You know, I had no idea Sauron was into petty cruelty.
CHESTERFIELD: Or that he loved to taunt people like a twelve-year-old.
*Boromir is speechless*


I know of your fear love and men.

BORIS (as Sauron): Oh, bloody, there goes my grammar…but it’s rather hard to talk WHEN I DON’T HAVE A MOUTH!

YOU’RE MINE!”

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Okay, I get the point; don’t scream at me like that!

The same wounds appeared in the real world as in her mind.

ALL: Wait…WHAT?!

Everyone gasped as they became visible.

BOROMIR: “Oh, what a heart-stopping, thrilling show! Who knew that Elrond was into such entertainment?”

Frodo felt his heart shatter at her appearance.

BORIS (as Frodo): OW…my chest, my chest!

Rosa whimpered. Aragorn gently held her.

BOROMIR: JUST DIE ALREADY!!!

“NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!” Rosa cried.

ALL: BOOOOOOLLLLLLLLDDDDD!

“MAKE HIM STOP! MAKE HIM STTTOOPPP!”

*Boromir and Chesterfield howl with laughter*
BORIS: “Make him st-tuh-tuh-tuh-oo-puh-puh-puh!


Gandalf and Aragorn felt helpless, especially Aragorn.

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Look, Gandalf, she’s not going to shut up. Can I PLEASE throw her off the balcony?

He knew no way on how to help calm Rosa down.

BORIS: I know ONE way, Aragorn… (brandishes butcher knife)

He felt his heart tore at Rosas’ trembling form.

BOROMIR: So now Rosa is giving everyone heart problems?!
CHESTERFIELD: Well, if I had her in front of me, I’d probably have a heart attack too.


Suddenly winds pick up and her aura appeared.

BORIS: What the…
BOROMIR: What in the world is an aura?


It was gold and suddenly changed to bright white.

CHESTERFIELD: Just like Grandma’s hair.

It threw everyone near her away.

BOROMIR (as aura): Outta the way! Move yer arses!

Aragorn caught Gandalf before he got hurt.

BORIS: And collapsed under the wizard’s weight.

Elrond stood, eyes bugged out.

*Boromir stares in shock*
CHESTERFIELD: Elves’ eyes can actually BUG OUT?!


Frodo stood; his glued on her.

BORIS: Whoa, it’s more of Sauron’s super-glue!

Aragorn tried to get near her, but again, he was thrown away from the wind.

CHESTERFIELD: Aragorn, get the hint; SHE’S NOT INTERESTED IN YOU!

Rosa screamed in pain, yet calmed a little when she

BOROMIR: Realized that Aragorn was holding a knife at her throat and whispering, “One more sound and you’re dead.”

felt strong and comforting arms enclose around her.

BORIS: Hey, somebody had the presence of mind to strangle her!
BOROMIR: Praise Eru!


She opened his eyes to see Legolas holding her.

BOROMIR (horrified): Oh, no…
BORIS: All the barf bags are with Jules…


He somehow was able to get to her.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, no shit? You mean he didn’t have mile-long arms?
---------
Rosas’ aura encircled both her and Legolas, growing larger.

*Boris hums the “Jaws” theme*

Suddenly, Legolas’ aura materialized.

BOROMIR: WHAT IS THIS?!
BORIS: A Saturday morning cartoon?!


It was a forest green color.

CHESTERFIELD: Thank you. Now WHAT WAS IT?

It grew and enveloped itself around Rosas’ aura.

BORIS: Oh, geez, SO much innuendo…
CHESTERFIELD (Tom Servo): They’re doing it, aura-style!


As this continued, their auras unite.

BORIS (dramatically): In a fight…to the death!
BOROMIR (almost tearfully): I don’t even recognize this as Arda anymore!


Elrond and Gandalf gasp at the tremendous power they sensed from their combined auras.

*everyone makes sounds like electric wires crackling and sizzling*

Rosa began to calm a little, but she felt another wave of pain

ALL: SPLASH!!

and the wind picked up. The whole room became even brighter.

CHESTERFIELD: “I’m the electrician, here to fix yer burned-out bulbs!”

Everyone veered away so they wouldn’t be blinded.

BOROMIR: Oddly enough, they didn’t think of CLOSING THEIR EYES.
CHESTERFIELD (scowl): Okay, I take back what I said before; stupidity IS contagious.


Rosa began thrashing around. Legolas clung onto her tightly.

BORIS: Apparently, he was willing to be kicked and punched in the face to protect the girl he loved.

He then began chanting words of comfort in her ear, hoping it’ll calm her.

BOROMIR (as Legolas, chanting): You are a coward…na, na, na-na, na…

As quickly it came, it was gone. The wind died down. Rosas’ and Legolas’ auras are gone.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh…hey, just for the record, what the hell was that supposed to be about?
BORIS: Who knows?


Everyone stared to see an exhausted and bloodied Rosa,

*everyone cheers*

clinging to Legolas, breathing heavily.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Get me an inhaler…quick…

“Rosalyn?” Legolas softly spoke. Rosa sleepily glanced up at him. “Are you alright?”

BORIS (as Rosa): Well, aside from the fact that I’m a pathetic invalid and crybaby with terrible gas, asthma, hallucinations, and a severe case of ADD, SURE I’m all right.

She nodded tiredly. Legolas then picked her up bridal-style and carried her over to her chair.

*Boromir projectile vomits*
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, Boromir, look what you’ve done! This’ll stink for hours!
BOROMIR (angrily): Let Morgoth clean it up. I couldn’t take it any longer.


Both Rijah and Bijan looked worriedly at their mistress.

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, their “mistress” in every sense of the word.

Aragorn assisted. He wrapped his cloak around her to keep peering eyes away from her.

BORIS: So it was an invisibility cloak?
BOROMIR (shrug): It’s the only possibility that makes sense.


Aragorn had seen Boromir looking at Rosa with greedy and lustful eyes.

*Boromir clutches his heart and gasps in horror*
BORIS: Oh, Sauron…Boromir, I’m SO sorry about this…


He whispers to Legolas and he nodded.

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn, whispering): Psssst…we’re putting Rosa in the loony bin as soon as the Council is over…

Once Rosa was covered, Legolas again, piked her up

CHESTERFIELD: Mmmm…walleye pike IS good…

and carried her to where he sat. Both Rijah and Bijan at his heel, not wanting to leave Rosa.

*Boris snatches the dictionary from Boromir and takes a large bite out of it*

He requested to one of the Mirkwood elves to trade places.

BOROMIR: “Absolutely not! I shall not give a place to this pathetic little wench!”

The elf worriedly gazed at Rosa, and concurred.

BOROMIR (pleading): Look, can’t just ONE person hate Rosa and NOT give her what she wants? Just ONE?

Legolas gently placed Rosa down in the chair and then sat next to her as the elf took his seat next to Aragorn.

CHESTERFIELD: And now it’s a game of musical chairs.
BOROMIR: How long must this go on?!


Rosa, clearly still in pain, rested her head on Legolas’ shoulder,

BORIS (as Legolas): Don’t touch me!

hoping the headache she had would diminish.

CHESTERFIELD: Insert Advil commercial here.

Legolas could see that she was in pain because her eyes were tightly shut and she was moaning.

BORIS: Hey, how does he know she wasn’t masturbating?

He gently took her hand in his and gently made circular motions,

CHESTERFIELD: Round and round and round she goes…where she stops, nobody knows…

trying to comfort her. Rijah was on her left, looking at her worriedly.

BOROMIR (groan): Oh, my…it’s the absurdly-human dogs again…

Rosa opened her eyes, feeling that she was being watched

BORIS: No, REALLY? Just because she’s been the center of attention for the last hour or so?!

and looked to see Rijah looking back at her worriedly.

CHESTERFIELD: All right; WE KNOW SHE WAS LOOKING AT HER WORRIEDLY!!!

She smiled and petted her assuring her that she was all right.

ALL (as Rijah): DAMN!

Bijan kept his eyes on Boromir. He disn’t trust the Gondorian.

BOROMIR: Argh…
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, calm down. By now we’ve got a pretty good idea of how… (cough)…intelligent Bijan is.


Rosa closed her eyes again when a wave of pain hit.

BORIS: Splash?
BOROMIR: No, no splash this time.


At the same time, Frodo was seeing the Eye of Sauron in his mind and winced in pain.

BOROMIR (as Frodo): You know, I happen to be having problems with Sauron too!
CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): Look, can I get a LITTLE help here? From ANYONE?!


Everyone saw that the Ring remained intact on the pedestal with the shards of the axe around it

BORIS: And they only noticed this just NOW?
CHESTERFIELD: Not a very observant lot, are they?


and a whisper in the Black tongue was heard.

BOROMIR: In case you were wondering, this whisper translates to, “What a bunch of morons.”

“The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin by any craft that we here possess.

BORIS: “Though it DOES provide us with free entertainment!”

The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came.” Elrond said.

CHESTERFIELD (as Elrond): Now, who wants ice-cream cones?

Ash Nazg.” Whispered the Ring.

BOROMIR (as the Ring): Hey! I CAN talk! I’M supposed to be the main character in this story, not…bloody hell, PAY SOME ATTENTION TO ME!

“One of you must do this.” Elrond resumed, not hearing the Ring yet.

BORIS: Yeah, ‘cause he wasn’t PLUMB CRAZY yet.

After this was said, there was a dead silence.

CHESTERFIELD (as Elrond): Well, don’t everybody all jump up at once.

“One does not simply walk into Mordor.” Boromir sighed. Rose rolled her eyes that were slightly ajar.

ALL: AJAR EYES?!

“No shit, Sherlock!” she mocked.

CHESTERFIELD: WHAT?!
BOROMIR: What did I ever do to her?!
BORIS: WHY hasn’t Elrond kicked her out for rudeness?!


Boromir looked angrily at her and she leered at him.

BORIS: Oh, yuck; now she’s “gazing lustfully” at you, Boromir!
BOROMIR: I really AM going to be sick…


Legolas kept from smirking.

*Boromir’s head is bowed and he clutches his stomach in agony*
CHESTERFIELD: Boromir…are you okay?


Boromir felt his anger rise

ALL: SUUURRRRRRGGE!!!

and wanted to lash out at Rosa, but he decided to ignore her.

BOROMIR (angrily): Oh, that’s what Faramir would have done; the better course of action would have been to rip her…limb from limb…
BORIS: Well, you can’t do it here, so just try to imitate Faramir, will you?


“Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep.

CHESTERFIELD: Samara from “The Ring”?

And the great Eye is ever watchful.

CHESTERFIELD: “Ever since it got that brand-new ultra contact lens…”

It is a barren wasteland. Riddled with fire and ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly!”

BORIS: Hey, you just described the area between Toledo, Ohio and Detroit, Michigan, Boromir.
BOROMIR (impressed): Jules taught you well, I see.


“And I suppose YOU know EVERTHING about Mordor and what goes on behind their door.” Rosa spoke sarcastically.

BORIS: Uh, oh…
*he and Chesterfield cover their ears*
BOROMIR: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!!! I DO!!!! I BLOODY WELL FOUGHT AGAINST THE FORCES OF MORDOR, RIGHT ON ITS BORDER!!!! I KNOW MORE THAN YOU, YOU BITCHING, STUPID PIECE OF PUSHURUK!!!!


Boromir glowered at her and kept himself from launching at her.

*Boromir clenches his fists and glowers, obviously keeping himself from launching at the screen. The others still have their ears covered*

She smiled “sweetly” at him, yet her eyes said; “Ha!”

*Boromir passes out*
BORIS: NO! Not him too!
CHESTERFIELD: Argh! Okay, we HAVE to get through this now; we can’t let Boromir die in here.


“Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said?” Legolas exclaimed, standing up.

CHESTERFIELD: “No, because Mary Sue here has been screaming in our ears, thank you very much.”

He made sure he didn’t hurt Rosa since her head had been lying on his shoulder.

BORIS: Oh, so…if her head hadn’t been lying on his shoulder, he could have killed her?
CHESTERFIELD: DAMN YOU, ROSA!


“The Ring must be destroyed!”

ALL: “THANK YOU, CAPTAIN FUCKIN’ OBVIOUS!”

“And I suppose you think you're the one to do it!” Gimli leapt to his feet while glaring at Legolas.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): No, I’M the one to do it, DUH, Gimli!

Legolas returned his glare.

BORIS (as Legolas, Nynaeve): Gimli, you woolhead! I’m going to glare and pull my braid at you to teach you a lesson!

Rosa rolled her eyes. ”Here we go!” she thought.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Oh, the roller-coaster ride is starting…here we go…aahhhhhhhh!

“And if we fail, what then! What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?!” Boromir hissed, standing too.

BORIS: My pal Chesterfield and I are gonna have a party, that’s what!

“I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!” Gimli snarled.

CHESTERFIELD: How ‘bout if you see the Ring in the nose of an elf?

The other Elves arose and start shouting at Gimli and the other Dwarves.

BORIS (John Adams from “1776”): Coward!
CHESTERFIELD (John Dickinson from “1776”): Madman!
BORIS (John Adams): Landlord!
CHESTERFIELD (John Dickinson): Lawyer!


Legolas held them back to stop them from starting a fight.

BORIS: Whoa; Legolas DOES have really, really long arms! He can hold back about twenty people!

“Never trust an elf!” Gimli scorned.

ALL (as Gimli): ‘Cause they’re fawning over Mary Sue!

Rosa grinned. “You’ll trust Legolas before this war is over, Gimli.”

BORIS (as Gimli): Yeah? Stay outta this, bitch!

She thought. “You WILL!”

CHESTERFIELD: Okay, it’s official; it’s Super-Emphasis.com. She had to bold it, capitalize it, italicize it, AND underline it!
BORIS: Pity Boromir’s not here to enjoy his victory.


Then a fight broke out. Everyone except Frodo, Rosa, Rijah, Bijan, Aragorn, and Elrond still sit.

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): I’M the main character!
BORIS (as Aragorn): No, *I* am!
CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): No, *I* am, like, duh!
BORIS (as dogs): No, WE ARE!


Rosa rolled her eyes and shook her head.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Oh, the silly things…HOW can they not realize I’M the main character?

She looked at Aragorn. “They’re acting like children.” He agreed.

*Dead silence*
BORIS: Oh, thanks for blackguarding the kettle, there, Pot.


“Do you not understand that while we bicker among ourselves, Sauron's power grows! None can escape it!” Gandalf stated, standing

ALL: “Go to bed, old man!”

“You’ll all be destroyed!” a Man comments.

CHESTERFIELD: “And I’m not important enough to have a name! Wah!”

Frodo watches the Ring, the angry figures of the council reflected on its surface.

BORIS (as Frodo): Man, this Ringvision TV is never gonna make it.

Suddenly, flames flare up, engulfing the surface of the Ring.

BORIS (as Frodo): Ah! It’s an electrical power surge!

“Ash Nazg Durbatuluk! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! Ash Nazg Gimbatul!” The Ring murmured.

CHESTERFIELD: What the… “One Ring to rule them all! One Ring to find them! One Ring to find them! One Ring to find them!”
BORIS: Look, Phantom’s Ange, if you’re gonna have the Ring talk, couldn’t you at least make it an intelligent, coherent speaker?


The intensity of the arguments increased. Slowly, Frodo understood what he must do.

BORIS (as Frodo): I must go finish my taxes before the world is destroyed!

He rose and took a step toward the arguing council, trying to make his voice heard above theirs.

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo, intercom): Attention; this is your main character speaking…or who should have been your main character…

“I will take it!” he spoke, but the commotion muted his voice.

BORIS: Well, turn off the subtitles, then, Frodo.

Rosa heard him and looked at him and he her. She gestures to speak again.

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): Look, I was GOING to! I’m not stupid, Rosa!

“I will take it!” he tried again, yet the crowd can’t hear him.

ALL (as Frodo): QUIIIIIIEEEEETTTTT!

Rosa growled in frustration.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, we’ve got a growling Mary Sue? That’s new.
BORIS: Look, Chesterfield; if snakes can growl, so can Mary Sues.


“EVERYONE SHUT UP!” Rosa hollered; standing and getting everyone’s attention.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, DEAR SARUMAN!
BORIS: So FRODO can’t make himself heard, but ROSA, just by hollering, can make everyone shut up?!


She quickly grasped the cloak to keep it from falling.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): I KNEW I should have worn clothes under this thing.

She felt slightly lightheaded and began to shake from pain at standing too quickly.

BORIS: Oh, COME ON!
CHESTERFIELD: So NOW she’s going to faint just from standing?!


Legolas was at her side in an instant and helped her to stand. She smiled her thanks to him, which he returned.

*Boris and Chesterfield yell in rage and agony*

She made sure not to hurt the elves ears, but loud enough to get their attention.

BORIS: What is this obsession about not hurting the elves’ ears?!

She brought the cloak closer; feeling the pain of her wounds, but ignored them.

ALL: About time!

“Frodo has something to say.” She concluded, looked at Frodo, and signaled for him to continue.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Come on, Frodo, my cute little kindergarten sweetie-pie…don’t be shy; tell the nice people what you’re going to do.

He smiled his thanks and she grinned. “I will take it!”

BORIS: Oh, the coup de grace: now Rosa is responsible for EVERY decision in Middle-Earth, including Frodo’s courage to take the Ring!
CHESTERFIELD (under his breath): Must stay calm…must not lose my composure…


Everyone stared at him, shocked. Gandalf closed his eyes at hearing Frodo’s statement.

BORIS (as Gandalf): Oh… (yawn)…damn this human body; I really need a nap.

“I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though…I do not know the way.” Frodo spoke softly.

BORIS: Heh; Phantom’s Ange got ONE thing right.

Gandalf strolled towards Frodo. “I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, so long as it is yours to bear.”

CHESTERFIELD: But it’s NOT! Apparently Sauron doesn’t even need his Ring!
BORIS: So what the hell was with all that “Sun-Child” crap?


Gandalf laid a hand on Frodo’s shoulder.

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo, looking at the disembodied hand on his shoulder): Ewwwwww!

Aragorn arose and strode to him. “If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will.”

BORIS: “Unfortunately, I don’t think I can, so you’re screwed, Frodo.”

He kneels before Frodo. “You have my sword.” He stood on Frodo’s right side.

CHESTERFIELD: Insert one of Jules’s “sword” jokes here.
BORIS: Sauron, I miss her.


Rosa moved away from the comfort of Legolas’ arms, both Rijah and Bijan with her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Hey, look at me! I can actually take steps without anybody holding me!

Both walk close to her as her support.

*much laughter at the mental picture*

Rosa held onto her wolf dogs as supports as she bent to Frodo’s level.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Oof…I think I’m gonna faint from this sheer exertion!

“You have my skills, my knowledge, my strength, and my loyalty. As long as I’m with you, I promise you I won’t let harm come to you, Frodo.”

BORIS: Oh, what’s the matter, Rosa?! Too good to just protect Frodo with your weapon?!
CHESTERFIELD: EGOTISTICAL WHORE!


She then looked at her wolf dogs. “And I know both Rijah and Bijan will be there to protect you as well.”

BORIS: “They’ll keep you from getting sexually frustrated!”

Frodo gave her a sad smile; touched by her speech and embraced her, being careful.

*Chesterfield starts banging his head on the back of his seat*
BORIS: Chesterfield, snap out of it; a head injury isn’t going to help matters.
CHESTERFIELD (still banging his head): Says…you!


Rosa returned his hug and stood next to Gandalf, Rijah and Bijan on both sides of Frodo.

BORIS (as Rosa): Ow! My legs!

“And you have my bow.” Legolas spoke as he marched over and stood next to Rosa. He felt his heart swell with joy

CHESTERFIELD: Until it BURST OUT OF HIS CHEST AND SPLATTERED BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!! Hahahahahahaha!

and he didn’t know why he felt this way. He hardly knew Rosa, yet he felt the need to protect her.

*now both Boris and Chesterfield are banging their heads on the backs of their seats*

“And my axe!” Gimli bellowed as he walked to them. He and Legolas exchange dirty looks.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, now this is a Legolas and Gimli slash fic?!
BORIS: Great; just what we needed!


Rosa chuckled and gently elbowed Legolas. He turned to her.

ALL (as Legolas): For the last time, DON’T TOUCH ME!

“I can see you and Gimli are going to get along quite well.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! I’m SO clever; that was just BURNING sarcasm!
BORIS: I don’t even want to dignify it by calling it “sarcasm”.


Legolas playfully glowered at her. Rosa looked at him “innocently”.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Like, what’d I just say? Like, I’ve forgotten already! Oh, shit…catch me; I’m gonna faint again!

“I’ll be friends with Gimli when he auta miqula orqu (go kisses an orc).”

BORIS: Oh, now Phantom’s Ange isn’t even trying with the gibberish; she’s just typing English words and adding random syllables!
CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Now I’m in fourth grade!


Rosa looked at Gimli, imagining that. This made her start to giggle lowly, which Legolas had heard, smiling too.

BORIS: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee…
CHESTERFIELD: Hee, hee, hee, hee…
BORIS: Hee, hee…gah! Stop the creepy laughing!


Rosa looked back at Legolas, laughing. “Amin ve’ a’ ele Tanya (I’d like to see that).”

CHESTERFIELD: Idi Amin and Tanya Harding? Huh?

Legolas and she laugh at the joke.

ALL: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee…AAAAAHHH!!

Gimli even though didn’t understand; glowered at Legolas and Rosa and grumbled under his breath.

CHESTERFIELD (as Gimli): Disrespectful, cowardly bitch…nancing, prissy sissy-boy elf…

“You and Rosa carry the fates of us all little one.”

BORIS: “Now, if you’d just carry my luggage too…”

Boromir said as he approached the group slowly.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): Sorry I keep limping whenever I get up…dumb Rosa here stepped on my foot...

“If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done.”

BORIS (announcer): Boromir son of Denethor IS Gondor, in “Pathetic Wangst”, or “How Not to Write a Fanfic!”

He stood next to Legolas. Rosa looked over and saw him looking at her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): Rosa, what are you doing here?! You get back to your seat this instant!

She looked away, not liking the way he’s looking at her.

BORIS: Well, duh! ‘Cause he’s the only sensible one in this crowd, and he probably wants to stab her!

“Heh!” Sam shouted as he suddenly emerged from behind some bushes and stood beside Bijan.

CHESTERFIELD (as Sam): Can’t anybody have a nice, peaceful pee in this place without having to listen to all this yelling?!

“Mr. Frodo is not goin’ anywhere without me!”

BORIS: ANYWHERE? Really ANYWHERE?
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, Sam, you sick little freak.


“No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not.” Elrond exclaimed, slightly amused.

CHESTERFIELD: That was EXCLAIMING?
BORIS: If so, I’m not even sure what whispering would be to Elrond.


He gazed to Rosa and her him. She grinned at him and he returned it.

BORIS: So are Elrond and Rosa sharing a private joke?! WHY THE HELL ARE THEY GRINNING AT EACH OTHER??!!
---------
Pippin and Merry saw Sam in the middle of all the important people.

CHESTERFIELD: More commonly known as “celebrities”.

They decided since Sam and Frodo were going, that they would too.

BORIS: Geez! Would those two jump off a bridge if Sam and Frodo did?!
CHESTERFIELD: Well, how the hell should I know?

--------------
Rosa saw both Merry and Pip. “You two better get your butts out here!”

BORIS (as Rosa): Never mind that they don’t know what a “butt” is! Tee-hee!
------------------
“How did she know we were here?!” Merry said shocked.

CHESTERFIELD: ‘Cause she’s SPESHUL and has MAGICAL POWERS! Can’t you realize that after all this time?!

“I don’t know.” Pip replied. “We better get over there if we wanna join.”

BORIS (as Pippin): We’ll just ignore the fact that Mary Sue here RUINED OUR SURPRISE…
--------------------
“Wait! We are coming too!” Elrond stared at them as they pass him with shocked eyes. They sprinted to the group.

CHESTERFIELD (announcer): And the gold-medal winner in the hundred-yard dash is…it’s a tie between Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck!

“You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!” Merry proclaimed and stood in front of Rosa.

BORIS (as Merry): You hear that, bitch? Well, DO YOU?!

Rosa shook her head in amusement.

BORIS (as Rosa): Oh, that’s our Merry…he’s about five years old and he’s SOOOO CUUUTTTE!

She tightened her grip on the cloak to keep it from slipping off of her.

CHESTERFIELD: What cloak?
BORIS: Man, not even the author can follow her own train of thought.


“Anyway you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest... thing.” Pippin expressed.

BORIS: Come ride the Pippin Express, brand-new at Disney World!
CHESTERFIELD: Get great Chinese food at Pippin’s Express!


“Well that rules you out Pip.” Both Rosa and Merry spoke unison.

CHESTERFIELD (as Merry): Stop repeating everything I say!
BORIS (as Rosa): Stop repeating everything I say!
CHESTERFIELD (as Merry): Knock it off!
BORIS (as Rosa): Knock it off!


Pippin agreed,

CHESTERFIELD (as Pippin): Yeah, so Rosa, go sit back down.

but then looked at both Rosa and Merry when he realized what they meant.

BORIS (as Pippin): I was just the victim of verbal irony, wasn’t I?

Pip playfully glared at Rosa

ALL: ROWR!

and she snickered.

CHESTERFIELD (as Rosa): Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! What a LOSER…God, I love making fun of Pippin and patronizing him!

“Twelve companions... So be it!

BORIS: “Twelve”…what the hell? Where’s the other two?
CHESTERFIELD: Well, since when was math a highly-valued skill among the elves?


You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!” Elrond announces.

BORIS (as Elrond): Now, everyone into the bar for some whiskey!

“Great! Where are we going?” Pippin asked, confusion written on his face.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, sounds like somebody in Rivendell’s been having fun with a Magic Marker.

Everyone groaned while Rosa chuckled lightly and pat his head.

BORIS: Oh, great, Rosa; way to think of more ways to degrade and shame him!

He stared up at her and grinned. She then winked at him.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, Pippin!
BORIS: Come on; that’s taking fawning slavery WAY too far!


TBC

BORIS: In “Dial ‘M’ for Mary Sue!”

AN: I’ve updated my site so if u want to see what the characters look like, please go to my homepage.

CHESTERFIELD: What if we want to send you viruses? Can we still go to your homepage?

Two of the characters’ icons are broken, but u can still click them to see their bio.

BORIS: Oh, great. To use your very own words, I’ll go look at your web site when you go kiss an orc.

Please don’t flame me about me altering Boromir’s manner.

ALL: Oh, GEEZ! Poor Boromir…

I’ve read stories that had him like what I have as.

CHESTERFIELD: THANK SARUMAN IT’S OVER!
BORIS: But how much left IS there? I can’t do the rest of this, I can’t…
CHESTERFIELD: I know…we’ll have to tell Morgoth we’ve given up…
BORIS: But he won’t listen…
CHESTERFIELD: I know…
*As they have been talking, they have lifted Boromir and are carrying him out of the theater. The six doors are shone in reverse order*


Boris and Chesterfield gently laid Boromir down in his bed, next to Jules’s bed. It was doubtful whether he or Jules would pull through: he was twitching and sweating, looking green in the face, while she was thrashing about wildly and screaming bloody murder.

The two nonhumans went dejectedly back to the main room on the Satellite, where they noticed that Morgoth’s face had appeared on the globe.

“Ah, there you are,” the ex-Vala said. “I’m glad you two pulled through, because I have something to tell you right now…”

At that moment, Chesterfield interrupted him. “Okay, Morgoth, you win. You just almost killed Jules and Boromir, and we can’t take this anymore. We give up.”

Morgoth hastened to explain: “That is not what I was…”

“No, we’re not kidding,” Boris said quickly, starting to panic. “That story was just too much for us, so we surrender. We’ll do anything you want, ANYTHING you want; just PLEASE don’t make us go back in there and read…”

He suddenly collapsed into a miserable heap on the floor, sobbing pitifully. Chesterfield only had time to scream out an anguished, “An Elf’s Love!” before he sank to his knees and burst into tears as well. There followed the strange, awkward scene of a Nazgul and an Uruk-hai orc, thoroughly broken, crying their hearts out.

“I c-can’t t-take it…” sobbed Chesterfield, at the same time as Boris wailed, “Have mercy…PLEASE have mercy on us!”

“Wait, you two…let me explain…” began Morgoth, but Boris and Chesterfield were too busy howling in misery.

“The Mary-Sueness…”
“The tense changes…”
“The souls calling out…”
“The song lyrics…”

“Now, if you’d just listen to me…” Morgoth tried to speak again, sounding more frustrated this time.

“Three-year-old Pippin…”
“All the nodding and smiling and blushing…”
“Poor Boromir…”
“The auras…”
“The bestiality…”
“The ‘Sun-Child’…”

“SILENCE!” raged Morgoth.

Boris and Chesterfield abruptly stopped crying, as Morgoth’s shout echoed and re-echoed around the room. Satisfied that he had gained their attention, Morgoth gave them the news:

“There is no more of that story. You’re finished with it now.”

“What?” the two victims asked in unison, their eyes widening in shock.

“That was all Phantom’s Ange wrote before she decided to take the story down and… (cough)…improve it,” explained Morgoth.

“Oh, praise Sauron!” breathed Boris, clasping his hands together.

Morgoth frowned at hearing his upstart former lieutenant praised as a god, but otherwise ignored Boris’s comment. He smiled at Chesterfield. “I realize that I gave you an extremely tough fic to sit through this time, and I apologize. In case you doubt me, here is a token of my remorse.”

Before Boris and Chesterfield could get over the shock of hearing Morgoth APOLOGIZE for something, there was a flash of light, and the dead bodies of Rosalyn Monroe, Rijah, and Bijan appeared in the room.

“Some new meat, fresh from the PPC,” Morgoth told them with a smirk. Chesterfield almost exploded with joy.

“Really? NO WAY! So I get Mary Sue meat after all and can get revenge on the bitch at the same time!” he cried excitedly.

“Exactly,” Morgoth replied.

Chesterfield was already happily skinning one of the wolf dogs and mumbling something that sounded vaguely like, “She’ll be great in a lemon white-wine sauce, served over linguini…nice and plump and tender…”

Vaguely nauseated, Boris did not share Chesterfield’s excitement. He turned back to the globe and protested, “But Jules and Boromir are still sick!”

“So they are,” Morgoth replied.

“So…what are we supposed to do now?! Take the fics by ourselves?!” Boris cried out in frustration.

“No,” answered Morgoth. “As a matter of fact, I have found two substitutes who will be joining you up there in about a week.”

“Substitutes?” repeated Boris, aghast. “Who are they?”

“You’ll find out.” Morgoth’s face disappeared from the globe, leaving Boris confused. He glanced at Chesterfield to find the orc now whistling a cheerful tune as he chopped Rosa’s corpse into tiny bits. At the same time, he heard screaming and sobbing from the bedroom and winced.

“Get better back there,” he said, though he knew neither Jules nor Boromir would be able to hear him. “Good night, Jules…good night, Boromir…”
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