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| I Love You: the MST | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 23 2008, 08:57 PM (676 Views) | |
| jules14 | Jul 23 2008, 08:57 PM Post #1 |
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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Disclaimer: Boromir, Morgoth, Uruk-hai, Nazgul, and anything else having to do with Middle-earth all belong to Tolkien and some belong also to New Line Cinema. Boris the Nazgul belongs to Araiona Dubois. Chesterfield the Uruk-hai and Jules belong to me. “MST3K” belongs to Best Brains Inc. This story belongs to Frodo's Girl Forever, who is on fanfiction.net. THEME SONG: In the not-too-distant future Next Friday A.D. There lived a girl named Jules Not too different from you or me. She wrote a new fanfic every week, A very happy and contented geek. But Morgoth was feeling bored one day, So he trapped her in the Void, and he sent her far away! JULES: NOOOOOOOOOOO! I’ll send her awful fanfics (ooh ooh!) The worst I can find! (la la la!) She’ll have to sit and read them all And I’ll monitor her mind. Now keep in mind Jules can’t control When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!) She’ll have to keep her sanity With the help of some brand-new friends! DAILY ROLL CALL! BOROMIR! (I’M ALIVE!) BORIS! (SHIRE…BAGGINS!) CHESTERFIELD! (MANFLESSSSSH!) JUUUUUUUULES! (FUCK YOU!) If you’re wondering how they all got there And other useless facts (la la la!) Just keep in mind it’s all a joke You should really just relax— For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000! Boris, Chesterfield, and Boromir walked onto the bridge of the Satellite of Hate to find Jules bent over the palantir-like object, muttering, "Come on...I know you're there..." "Jules?" said Boromir tentatively. "What? Oh, hi guys," answered Jules, looking up and blushing slightly. "I figure that if Morgoth can contact us through this thing, Eru and the Valar can too. So I'm trying to get a hold of them and ask them to rescue us from this satellite." "But what if Eru and the Valar don't own any palantiri?" asked Boris. "I don't know," sighed Jules. "But it's a chance I'm willing to take." "Let me try," suggested Boromir. "They may take more kindly to someone from closer to their time." Jules almost protested, but thought better of it. Boromir peered frowning into the globe, shook it a few times...and dropped it when Morgoth's face appeared. "Well for you that I managed to catch you in time," the ex-Vala said sternly. "Otherwise you would have wished I had sent you the worst fanfic ever, rather than what I would have done to you." Boromir did not answer. How could he? Morgoth continued, "Your fanfic today is a self-insert by Frodo's Girl Forever, called "I Love You". It teaches us that, despite all the laws of biology that Eru laid down, people can transform into animals...and that it is all right to spread infectious diseases to others, as long as you love them." Though nobody liked the idea of having to sit through a self-insert, Chesterfield tried to be optimistic, saying, "Well, at least it should be original." Morgoth smirked. "I wouldn't be too sure of that, my fine young corrupted elf. You'll need a great deal of stamina to get through this one." He lowered his voice to a malicious whisper. "Enjoy." The lights began flashing then. "We've got fanfic sign!" yelled Jules, as the quartet, as usual, ran into the theater. Disclaimer: I don’t own LotR. I just love making my own versions of it. JULES: Nope, I don't own it, but I LOVE mangling it beyond all recognition! This is my third fic! BORIS (snort): Well, considering, that's nothing to be proud of. CHESTERFIELD: It sure ain't a good sign, that's for sure. It’s still fictional like my other two fics though. JULES: Yeah, that's why it's called fan-FICTION, you dumbass. BORIS: Jules, shouldn't you wait a while before attacking the author? JULES: When she calls herself Frodo's Girl Forever and writes self-inserts? Hell, no! Summary: I get sick with Pneumonia BOROMIR: There's a person named Pneumonia in this?! What were her parents thinking?! CHESTERFIELD: No, it's just a misplaced capitalization. and Frodo takes care of me. I confess my deep love for him. How will he react? Characters: Frodo and me Type of Story: Romance and spiritual *A pause. Then...* ALL: NO! NO MORE!! GET US OUT OF HERE!!! *They start banging on the door to the theater and screaming, but the only answer is an evil laugh* I Love You *Everyone returns dejectedly to their seats* JULES: It's no use. We'll just have to hope and pray we survive. I woke, feeling the worst pain in my throat. BORIS (deadpan): Then I realized there was a knife sticking out of it, just under my chin. I sat up in my bed, feeling my head ache terribly. CHESTERFIELD: Ow, that is some hangover. JULES (shaking her head): They WARNED her not to have twenty shots at that party last night, but did she listen? Nooooo... I shivered immensely. I was so freezing JULES (valley-girl): I was, like, so freezing, when, like, y'know, I wore flip-flops in the snow! CHESTERFIELD (valley-girl): Like, totally! BOROMIR (wince): Shut up, you two. that I hurried to put the covers back over my shoulders again, but even this didn’t warm me up. BORIS: For I had metamorphosed into Frosty the Snowman during the night. The door opened, revealing a very worried Frodo. BOROMIR (as Frodo): I STILL can't figure out why there's a stranger in my bed...I have to talk to Sam about this... He walked to the bed, sitting next to me. JULES: Frodo crab-walking is NOT something I really wanted to picture. CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo, Mike Nelson): I'll need a can of Play-Doh to replace my butt. “Sarah?” he asked, holding me close in his arms. *Boris retches* CHESTERFIELD: I'm just gonna look on the bright side and hope he's trying to strangle her. “Are you alright?” BOROMIR: "I'm SICK, Frodo; what do you think?!" “Frodo…” I was speechless, BORIS: At how dense the supposed hero of Middle-earth was. surprised by his strong affection but relaxing in his warm embrace. BOROMIR: WARM embrace. It is ALWAYS the same cliched phrase used in these things! JULES: Yeah; hasn't anybody been hugged by somebody who's made them feel cold? “I’m alright…” CHESTERFIELD: "But my grammar isn't." “How do you feel?” JULES (singing): Like a rolling stone... “I’m really cold, my throat hurts, and I have a very bad headache.” BORIS (as Frodo): Well, I told you not to juggle bricks and knives in the snow... JULES: Nice. “Oh,” he said. “Would you like some eggs for breakfast?” JULES: "Naw, just bring me some black coffee and a pack of cigarettes." CHESTERFIELD: Okay, eggs for breakfast is going to be a major plot point later on. We'd better remember it as the story goes on. “Sure, Frodo,” I answered. “Thank you…” “You’re welcome,” he said, kissing my cheek, BORIS: When she's sick? Bad, bad move, Frodo... BOROMIR: Well, maybe he wants to get sick, to get away from HER. making me blush, making me want to tell him how much I loved him. BORIS: Cheek-kissing is NOT erotic, you prude! It doesn't arouse feelings of affection! CHESTERFIELD: Yeah; if it did, the French would have orgasms every time they greeted somebody! “I’ll be right back with your eggs. You just rest a little…” JULES (overindulgent mother): "And drink your milk...and I'll get you your blankie just in case you're lonely..." “Okay…” I felt him kiss my cheek one last time, and he left the room as I slowly fell asleep. BORIS: I'd been reading "I Love You," and boy, was it ever boring. “Sarah?” Frodo asked, his arms around my back. ALL: Whoa! CHESTERFIELD: Dude, what happened? I thought he was out of the room! BOROMIR: I think this is supposed to be a dream. BORIS: At least it didn't say "dream sequence" in big letters". “Good-bye, Frodo,” I answered, walking forward out of his hold. JULES: "Watch this, Frodo! I CAN cross a busy street without you holding onto me!" “Sarah! Wait! BORIS: "You forgot to look both ways...oh, man, that's gotta hurt...squashed!" I…love you…” BOROMIR: Oh, come on... CHESTERFIELD: Is she KIDDING?! “I love you, too, Frodo, but this is where I belong now…” JULES: Where? Under the wheels of a semi truck? BORIS (shrug): That's what it sounds like. “Alright… Good-bye, Sarah…” JULES: "Don't forget to write!" CHESTERFIELD: "See ya in St. Louis, screwie!" I walked in the water, feeling my body change in almost three seconds; BOROMIR (falsetto): My skin got all tight and wrinkly! my legs turned into a single fluke, JULES: What the...is the rest of this fic going to be as confusing? BORIS: Nah, it was probably just a fluke. I grew a long grey beak, a dorsal fin, flippers, and a blow-hole. CHESTERFIELD: The Gill-Man?! Or...Gill-Woman?! BOROMIR: A mermaid?! I was a dolphin now, ALL: Oh...wait...huh?! going to where I was supposed to go. BORIS: Into a can of tuna? JULES: To Sea World? After being with Frodo for a long time, CHESTERFIELD: I STILL don't know what the hell I'm talking about. this is where my destiny has led me. JULES: Damn lucky Frodo; while he gets to go to the Undying Lands, I have to go learn to jump through hoops with Shamu! “Good-bye, Frodo,” I said in a series of dolphin clicks. *Much laughter* “I love you… You’ll always be in my heart… Always…” JULES: Oh, what is this, a crossover with Titanic?! BORIS: That WOULD explain the dolphins...and how she feels so cold. BOROMIR: I think I'm going to spew. “Sarah, wake up,” I heard Frodo’s voice say. “Here are your eggs.” BORIS (as Frodo): I got you some dolphin meat as a special treat too! Wait...why'd you just scream and faint? I sat up, taking the plate of fried eggs from him, CHESTERFIELD: Oh, my Saruman, they were FRIED eggs! We must remember this! taking a bite, the premonition still playing in my head. BORIS: I had to listen to "It's a Small World" seventy-two times to get it out of my head! BOROMIR: Jules, IS there a song called "The Premonition"? JULES: Probably. “How’s the food?” the Hobbit asked, trying to make a conversation. BOROMIR: "Well, if you want my advice, you should definitely allow Sam to cook for you from now on." “It’s good.” It was true. The eggs were delicious. “Frodo?” “Hm?” JULES: "Are these eggs from free-range chickens?" “I had a dream, but I’m not sure if I should tell you about it…” BOROMIR: "I'm worried you'll think I'm ODD, having dreams about turning into a dolphin, when you probably have dreams about Nazgul and fiery rings and being chased by giant spiders..." “Tell me,” I pressed. “I’d like to know…” *laughter* BORIS: And the author admits here that most of these conversations with Frodo are actually conversations with herself. CHESTERFIELD: Hoo, boy, split personality...that WOULD explain a lot. “My friend Krystal had the dream, too… BOROMIR (as Frodo): Look, if you don't want to tell me the dream, just say so! JULES: "Krystal". In Arda. Need I say more? I turn into a dolphin… She also said I have a dolphin spirit… BORIS: WHAT?! JULES: Can we get some background information here?! I had the vision just now…” BORIS: "Right after eating those strange-looking mushrooms growing in your backyard." “Oh,” he said, putting his hand on my shoulder, my left one. CHESTERFIELD (gasp): No. Bloody. Way. It was her LEFT SHOULDER, people, her LEFT SHOULDER! *Over-dramatic gasp* “I see… And you believe this will happen?” JULES: Observe, as Frodo shakes his head and makes the "cuckoo" sign with his fingers. BORIS (as Frodo): I better check the date on that egg carton... “Yeah… Do you think I’m crazy to think that?” *Silence* BOROMIR: That IS a rhetorical question, isn't it? JULES (sarcastically): Hell, no! It's perfectly normal to believe you'll turn into a dolphin before you reach adulthood! [/b] “No, Sarah… It’s just, CHESTERFIELD: "I think you need help...serious, PROFESSIONAL help." part of me hopes it doesn’t happen…” JULES: Well, yeah, considering it would throw all reasonable biology out of whack! BORIS: What is this, some cheesy sci-fi thing?! “I know…” BOROMIR: "Where you live!" CHESTERFIELD: "You like that!" “You do?” CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, I...wait...what?! “Yeah, and, Frodo, you won’t lose me like that, BORIS: "You'll lose me by dropping me down a grate!" BOROMIR: "You'll lose me by not putting me securely in your wallet!" at least not yet.I’ll be with you for a long time before that happens.” ALL (as Frodo): DAMN! “I’m glad…” BOROMIR: "That you finally paid me those coins you owed me." JULES: Argh! What is with this author and dots?! “Frodo? I’ll always be in your heart, right?” ALL: WHAT?! JULES: Who talks like this?! My God, WHO?! “Of course!” CHESTERFIELD (Mike Nelson as John Agar): "Ya wanna get another Poppa burger?" “You’ll always be in my heart, too…” JULES (cutesy voice): I wuv you! CHESTERFIELD (cutesy voice): I wuv you more! JULES (cutesy voice): No, I wuv you more! CHESTERFIELD (cutesy voice): No, I wuv you... BORIS: GUYS! SHUT UP BEFORE I PUKE ON YOU!! JULES: Fine, fine...geez, lighten up, Boris... “Thank you, Sarah…” BORIS (as Frodo): That WAS a compliment, wasn't it? “No… Thank you, Frodo, for taking care of me when I’m sick…” BOROMIR (as Frodo): Oh, it was nothing...I mean, you sneaked in here and stole my bed, so... “My dear Sarah…” Frodo seemed so touched by my kind words. JULES: What, just because you thanked him?! That's not kindness, you dolt, that's politeness. CHESTERFIELD: Yeah; after he had to take care of you and listen to you babble all that nonsense about dolphins, you'd BETTER be grateful for it. “You’re welcome…” “Frodo, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I wasn’t sure if you were ready to know it…” BORIS: "I'm dating Flipper." BOROMIR: "I'm pregnant." “What is it? Tell me…” JULES: GAH!! Damn dots!! CHESTERFIELD: "Well, I got pregnant with a killer whale, so I'm going to have a half-whale, half-human baby..." “Well,” I said, tears falling from my eyes. BORIS (as Frodo): You fell down a well? What? BOROMIR (as Frodo): Look, I know you're not feeling well; is that all you have to say? “Sarah…” Frodo wrapped his arms around me, JULES: Oh, Frodo, don't do that! CHESTERFIELD: Sheesh; he really DOES want to get sick, doesn't he? and I gladly returned the embrace. BOROMIR: "Take back your bloody embrace; I don't want it!" “What is it?” BORIS: "I'm stupid and insane, Frodo! Haven't you realized that by now?" I pushed him away, pulled him gently to me, JULES: "No, get away...wait, come back...no, don't want you sick...no...help; I can't make up my mind!" and pressed my lips against his. CHESTERFIELD: Oh, YUCK! JULES: She's SICK! BOROMIR: I hope for Frodo's sake he's going to wipe his mouth afterwards! He kissed back, perhaps pleased with the action, BORIS: Or PERHAPS displeased... that a lass like me would do this to him, that I felt this way. BOROMIR: Frodo has definitely lost his mind from carrying the Ring so long. We broke the kiss, *Everyone makes sounds like glass shattering* and I hugged him happily. “Sarah…” He seemed so shocked, so happy. ALL: Or so he SEEMED... “Frodo?” The beautiful Halfling *uproarious laughter* looked up into my eyes, smiling in utter happiness. BORIS (as Frodo): I love you...oh, your eyes are wet...oh, I just remembered you're sick! Disgusting! “I love you…” CHESTERFIELD: Hey, the title! JULES: Yep, about twenty paragraphs of rambling on about eggs and dolphins, and we're FINALLY into the main plot point! BORIS (snort): The point of WHAT PLOT? I had finally revealed how I felt about him, how much I truly, madly loved him. JULES (breathing hard): You did at the beginning...which means YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WRITE THIS WHOLE PIECE OF CRAP TO TELL US!! CHESTERFIELD: Hey, take it easy, would you? Frodo’s eyes were filled with tears, and he leaned on my chest, BORIS (as Frodo): Hmmm...no bra. gently rubbing my arm. I was crying, too, CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, we're all crying by now, you brat. BOROMIR: Weeping for the state of humanity... so happy that he knows. “I love you, too, Sarah…” JULES (cutesy voice): I wuv you... BORIS: JULES! The words just came out of his mouth, BOROMIR: Along with a tidal wave of vomit. and I kissed his cheek. BORIS: Giving him more lovely little pneumonia germs as a token of my love! “You’re the best, Frodo!” JULES (second-grade Mother's Day card): Happy Mother's Day, Mom! You're the best! “Sarah…” CHESTERFIELD: "Sarah...oof...can you let go of me? I kind of need to get back to the kitchen now..." I fell asleep holding him so close, as he held me. JULES (singing): I hold you, you hold me; let's chop off Frodo's Girl Forever's knee... BORIS (singing): Let's force-feed her walrus pee... I was so happy! CHESTERFIELD (chipper falsetto): Today was my first day of kindergarten! BOROMIR (chipper falsetto): I got a puppy for my birthday! I had finally confessed my love for him, *everyone yells with frustration* JULES: We KNOW!! CHESTERFIELD: FACE REALITY, YOU STUPID WENCH!! and he feels the same way! ALL: ARGH! All of this made me so joyful I forgot I was sick for a few minutes! BORIS: I think Frodo's Girl actually forgot she was supposed to be sick. CHESTERFIELD: This fanfic was made possible by the Society for the Spreading of Infectious Diseases. Remember: bacteria are our friends! “I love you, Frodo,” I thought *Jules screams with rage* BOROMIR: STOP SAYING THAT!! as I fell asleep in his gentle arms. “I love you so much…” BOROMIR (angrily): That's it; I am breaking the door down. I cannot bear this sickening, sappy rubbish any longer...(gets out of his seat) JULES: Wait, wait...I think it's almost over. Author’s Note: Did you like it? *Silence. Dead, awkward, horrified silence* It’s how I confessed my love for him. *Jules screams and tears her hair* CHESTERFIELD: Frodo's Girl Forever needs serious psychiatric help, methinks. BOROMIR (scowl): Or at least a padded room and a strait jacket. If you like it, tell me, and also tell me what your favorite part is! BORIS: So, Boromir, what was your favorite part? BOROMIR: Anything that didn't have the words "I love you" in it. Review please! I love to see reviews! BOROMIR: Poor, naive little fool... BORIS: She's probably changed her opinion about reviews by now. CHESTERFIELD: Hey, look! It's finally over! JULES: THANK YOU, GOD! *everyone storms out of the theater* |
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1:15 AM Jul 11