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A Story So Much Older than the Sea: the Story; A Narnia fic
Topic Started: Jul 25 2008, 02:28 PM (832 Views)
jules14
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(Wo)man on a Mission
Disclaimer: Morgoth, Boromir, Maglor, Uruk-hai, Noldor, Nazgul, and everything else that has anything to do with Tolkien’s world belongs to the Tolkien Estates, and some belongs to New Line Cinema. Tumnus the faun and Narnia belong to C.S. Lewis and to the Disney Company. Chesterfield and Jules belong to me, and Boris belongs to Araiona Dubois. MST3K belongs to Best Brains Inc. This story belongs to “the girl with the lonely heart,” whose work can be found on fanfiction.net.

THEME SONG:

In the not-too-distant future
In the space beyond the light,
The evil dark lord Morgoth
Had a nasty scheme in sight.
He found an elf, Maglor by name:
A Noldorin bard of ancient fame.
His existence was making him quite annoyed,
So he thought that he would torture him and trap him in the Void!


MAGLOR: LET…ME…OUUUTTTTTT!

I’ll send him awful fanfics (ooh ooh!)
The worst I can find! (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And I’ll monitor his mind.
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!)
He’ll have to keep his sanity
With the help of some brand-new friends!


DAILY ROLL CALL!

MAGLOR! (WHY ME?!)
BORIS! (HI, EVERYONE!)
CHESTERFIELD! (I’M STILL CONSCIOUS!)
TUMNUS! (OH, DEAR ASLAN!)

If you’re wondering how he found Maglor
And other useless facts (la la la!)
Just keep in mind it’s all a joke
You should really just relax—

For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000!



With a long-suffering sigh, Boris trudged out of the bedroom, carrying two bowls full of vomit. Jules and Boromir were still so broken and physically ill from their mental torture that he doubted that they would ever get well again. He went to the kitchen to empty the bowls and saw Chesterfield there eating lunch.

“How are they?” Chesterfield asked with his mouth full of leftover roast leg of Mary Sue.

“No better,” grumbled Boris, washing out the bowls. “In fact, I think they might be worse.”

Chesterfield scowled and ripped a large hunk of meat off an ample thighbone. “I hope that bastard’s feeling guilty.”

Boris couldn’t help himself: he clutched his forehead and snorted with laughter at the same time, causing Chesterfield to look at him reproachfully. “Why would he?” demanded Boris in irritation. “It’s Morgoth, for Sauron’s sake.”

“But he DID apologize for it,” Chesterfield pointed out.

“Yeah, and if you hadn’t gotten free food from him, you wouldn’t put so much stock in his apology,” snarled Boris.

“Well, let’s not argue about it now,” Chesterfield told him. “Want some meat? It’s pretty disgustingly-sweet by itself, but with this special sauce on it, it’s definitely good.”

Boris shook his head in revulsion. “Look, I’ve told you: I was a human once, and I STILL don’t eat man flesh; to me, that’s cannibalism, pure and simple. Why don’t you stop asking me that?”

“But don’t you wanna take revenge on Rosa Monroe and her cute widdle wolf dog companions?” Chesterfield asked with a grin.

“Why should I? You’ve taken plenty of revenge by yourself,” Boris retorted, staring around the room with admiration, at the two wolf dog pelts hanging on the wall, at the scraps of Rosa’s clothes now used for toilet paper, at the auburn scalp hanging from Chesterfield’s belt, at the string of Rosa’s teeth he’d been making into a necklace for Jules. “Anyway, I DID eat a portion of Bijan and Rijah; I admit they were pretty tasty deep-fried.”

“Yeah, shame we used up their meat three days ago,” Chesterfield agreed, though he didn’t sound too upset about it, judging from the avidity with which he wolfed down the remains of Rosa Monroe, puke-worthy Sue extraordinaire.

“So what’s up with Morgoth, anyway?” Chesterfield asked after a minute or so. “He hasn’t called us for a week.”

“And you’re COMPLAINING about that?” Clearly Boris was in a foul mood.

“No, but…so we’ve got to take the fics by ourselves, now?” Chesterfield wondered worriedly.

“Well, Morgoth said something about getting substitutes for Jules and Boromir…”

Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of white light and a thunderclap, which caused Chesterfield and Boris to jump and try to cover their eyes and ears at the same time. As quickly as the brief fireworks had come, they left, but when they were gone, two strange beings were lying in an unkempt heap on the floor. One had long dark hair, keen and piercing gray eyes, pointed ears, and a white light that seemed to shine through his form, all of which proclaimed him a High-Elf of the Noldor. The other was like nothing the orc or the Uruk-hai had ever seen: a short, bearded man with goat legs and horns, and a scarf wrapped around his neck.

You must not think that Chesterfield and Boris made these observations calmly; no, as soon as they saw the two strange people on the floor, they were so startled they immediately started screaming. At that moment, the newcomers caught sight of Chesterfield and Boris, and THEY began screaming as well. For about two minutes, the main room on the Satellite of Hate echoed and re-echoed with screams and curses, before the Elf, finally coming to his senses, shut everybody up with the questions:

“Who are you? Where are we?”

He spoke in English, as if he had been carefully trained. Morgoth must have automatically sent him to English classes, as Jules had done with Boris and Chesterfield, but how could he have learned so much in a week?

Boris chose his words carefully: “Well, I’m Boris the Nazgul, and this is my friend Chesterfield the Uruk-hai, and well…who the hell are you two?”

“Maglor son of Feanor,” the Elf proclaimed proudly. Immediately afterwards, the goat-man chimed in, “Tumnus.”

“Say, um…Tumnus, if you don’t mind my asking, well…what are you?” Chesterfield asked, truly curious.

“I’m a faun, of course,” replied Tumnus indignantly. “I could ask the same of YOU.”

“What? Boris just said…” began Chesterfield, but his words were smothered by a gulping sound nearby. Maglor had just caught sight of the bones from Chesterfield’s lunch. Tumnus suddenly noticed it as well, judging by the sickened look that appeared on his face.

“Chesterfield! Why didn’t you hide that shit?!” raged Boris.

“Well, how was I supposed to know they’d arrive today?!” replied Chesterfield, just as vehemently.

By now, Maglor had sunk into a chair, as if exhausted by all he had seen and heard. His voice had lost its pride; it was softer now, almost as if he were pleading. “Look here, I have had an appalling time since Maedhros departed. They wouldn’t let me come home; I’ve had to live with Men ever since, and now it’s thousands of years in the future and I thrown into someplace I don’t know, with a half-goat, horned demon, and I find out I must meet a Nazgul and an orc, with whom the demon is probably in league…”

Tumnus seemed angry, probably about the “demon” bit of Maglor’s monologue. “Well, do you think it’s any more fortunate for me? There I am in Aslan’s country, having a very pleasant conversation with Lucy and Edmund, when all of a sudden there is a bright light, and when I wake up, I am with THIS man, who calls himself an elf, who thinks I am evil, and I have NO IDEA what you two are.”

“I told you: I’m a Nazgul and Chesterfield’s an orc!” said Boris in exasperation.

“Well, that means nothing to me,” Tumnus snapped, shrugging his shoulders. ight I at least know where we are now?”

“We’re in the middle of space, in the same universe where Earth is located,” replied Chesterfield. “We’re up on the Satellite of Hate, where we’re forced by our evil master to read bad fanfiction.”

“Same universe where Earth is located?!” cried Tumnus excitedly. “Why, that’s the world Lucy and her brothers and sister came from! Pity it seems I can’t visit Earth itself, though…”

But Maglor was not so optimistic. He ventured, “Forced to read bad fanfiction? And who…who is this evil master of yours?”

Before either Boris or Chesterfield could answer, there was a familiar rumble of evil laughter, and Morgoth’s face appeared on the palantir-like globe. Boris and Chesterfield, though they had prepared themselves for Morgoth’s call, only shuddered, and Tumnus, who was not yet sure who Morgoth was, merely wondered how a face so fair could look so evil at the same time. However, Maglor’s reaction was instantaneous—and terrified. Though it is virtually impossible for elves to blanch, Maglor did so, gasping, “You? No! The Valar sent you to the Void! I SAW IT!”

“Yes, and where do you think you are now, boy?” retorted Morgoth, not seeming at all perturbed.

Maglor looked even more horrified, and he let out quite a few exclamations, some in English, some in Quenya, some in Sindarin, and even some in Westron. Looking pleased with the Noldo’s reaction, Morgoth turned to Chesterfield and Boris. “And how are you two? Did you enjoy your week-long holiday?”

Neither Boris nor Chesterfield knew what to answer. Morgoth continued, “And I see you have met Jules’s and Boromir’s substitutes. It occurred to me that this experiment was hardly fair to Jules and Boromir; being human, they were much weaker than either of you. So I picked two nonhumans—one from another universe—and we shall see how long THEY last.”

“As long as you don’t send ‘em ‘An Elf’s Love,’ mumbled Boris.

“Gah! Don’t say those words!” gasped Chesterfield.

“At any rate,” Morgoth said loudly. “I chose this story to welcome Tumnus to this world. It is a Narnia Mary Sue, entitled “A Story so Much Older than the Sea,” by the girl with the lonely heart. It stars Mary Sue and, of course, the Legolas of the Narnia fandom: High King Peter Pevensie.”

Hearing this name, Tumnus turned around and looked a bit relieved. “Reading stories about Narnia? That’s always pleasant; the minstrels at Cair Paravel used to tell them…”

“Tumnus, these are supposed to be BAD stories!” Boris told him.

“Oh,” the faun said, looking rather taken aback.

The lights began to flash, as they had not done for a week. Jules was not there to shout, “We’ve got fanfic sign!” so Boris did it instead. Seeing their two companions running madly through six doors, Tumnus and Maglor followed them, feeling quite confused.


Prologue
Greetings, My name is Iris Carpenter.

ALL: HELLO, IRIS!!

The story I am about to tell you, has been narrated this way for centuries

TUMNUS: And it gets worse and worse every time it’s heard.

And has been written in a thousand books.

CHESTERFIELD: Including How Not to Write Fanfiction, Mary Sues Suck Ass, and Relax: There ARE People Stupider than You.
TUMNUS (confused): So her story is about the Boxcar Children or the Babysitter’s Club?


Many think it is merely a fairy-tale,

MAGLOR (sarcastically): Oh, how COULD they think that? I’m sure you actually DID go to Narnia and fall in love with Peter at least once in your life.

for what you are about to read, does sound unbelievable.

CHESTERFIELD: Sheesh; these COMMAS are unbelievable.

However, you have to realise that not all fairy-tales are make-believe,

*Silence*
TUMNUS: Doesn’t it HAVE to be make-believe to be a fairy tale? Otherwise, wouldn’t it be classified as a biography, or history, or something like that?
BORIS (announcer): Fairy-tales become reality at Disney World, the most magical place on earth!


nor is anything impossible.

BORIS: Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, why haven’t we been able to escape from the Void by now?!
MAGLOR: Smug, foolishly-optimistic little…


This is the story of my great-grandmother, Leonora

TUMNUS: And how she became Queen of the Jungle!
*Boris hums music from “The Lion King”*


and how she found out that, beyond doubt,

CHESTERFIELD: Frozen fish sticks are disgusting.
MAGLOR: One should never eat yellow snow.


believing in fairy-tales , sometimes is worthwhile….

BORIS: Ah, bullshit…
TUMNUS: Hey, look; it’s over! Well, it was a bad story, but at least it was short.
CHESTERFIELD: No, Tumnus, this was only the first chapter. There’s more to come after this break.
TUMNUS: Oh, well, in that case, kill me, please?
*all exit the theater*


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jules14
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(Wo)man on a Mission
Chapter one - Where do I begin...

MAGLOR: DON’T.
CHESTERFIELD: “Well, I didn’t really want to write a Mary Sue, but…”


As so many stories, Leonora’s tale starts on a vivid, sun drenched day.

BORIS: Really? Not on a dark, stormy night?
TUMNUS: It’s an original story already.


Leonora was sitting on a timber swing in her little green garden.

CHESTERFIELD (groan): And the cheerful, light background music told us we were gonna have to sit through a chapter of Walden

The large magnolia tree endowed her with some shade.

BORIS: Nice that it was willing to make donations.

She wore a sapphire summer dress

BORIS: My Sauron! First “cerulean,” now “sapphire”…I mean, what is with these dumb synonyms for the color blue?! None of them make any sense!
TUMNUS: Ooh…twinkly, twinkly…


which fitted rather tightly around her waist, but had a wide skirt that reached to her ankles.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, great; it’s going to play a HUGE role in the upcoming story! We’d better remember that her dress fitted tightly around her waist, but had a wide skirt that reached her ankles!

She felt as the soft wind played with her long, dark locks

BORIS (as wind): Checkmate.
TUMNUS (as hair): Damn!


and smiled in enchantment.

BORIS (singing): It’s a jolly holiday with Mary…
CHESTERFIELD: Well, are Bambi and Thumper gonna show up next?


She was the kind of girl that treasured being somewhere.

TUMNUS (sweetly): In a coffin, for example.

Just being.

*all facefault*

She enjoyed watching people doing their daily routines

BORIS: Oh, ugh, NO!
CHESTERFIELD: This is why it was a good idea to put locks on bathroom stall doors.


and was very found of listening to their stories.

MAGLOR: “Leonora, do you want to hear about the latest typo I put in my fanfic?"
TUMNUS (as Leonora, in a falsetto): I’d LOVE to!


People told her plenty of things,

CHESTERFIELD: Including things she’d rather NOT KNOW ABOUT.
TUMNUS: “Let me tell you a nice long tale about how my gas cleared up over the weekend…”


since she was a gifted listener and people could trust her.

BORIS (as Leonora, chipper): I was put in the gifted listening class in fifth grade!

They knew she would keep their secrets save for eternity.

MAGLOR: Save for…what the…?
BORIS: Except for…nah, I can’t understand it either.


She would often sit down in her favourite little easy-chair,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, GREAT…now why can’t something actually happen?!

reading another wonderful book.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Ah, my favorite: Sitting in the Garden for Dummies.

Her mind was never at ease.

BORIS: No matter how hard she tried, she could NEVER remember that damn capital of the United States!

She was always thinking or dreaming about the most wondrous and sometimes hilarious things.

TUMNUS: Chimpanzees dressed in clothes?
CHESTERFIELD: George W. Bush’s mispronunciation of words?


Therefore, you could say she did lots of things.

MAGLOR: Blinking, breathing, digesting her meals…see what I mean?

But the people around her didn’t quite share the same opinion.

BORIS: They preferred Macs, whereas Leonora preferred PCs.

They saw the things she did do, as being merely variations on doing nothing.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, gee, could that be because it IS doing nothing?!
BORIS: I really don’t think I want to know what this author’s hobbies are.


She was the kind of girl that preferred walking barefoot to wearing the most astonishing shoes.

TUMNUS: Wonderful, excellent. Now I don’t suppose you’re going to tell us WHAT connection that sentence has to the previous one about doing nothing?!

Walking barefoot and feeling the tickling of the green grass between her toes, made her feel liberated.

CHESTERFIELD: From what? Shoes?!
TUMNUS: Leonora doesn’t really get out much, does she?


And being free was a blessing she cherished mostly.

BORIS (singing): I like to be in America…

She adored the medieval times.

BORIS: But…she just said she cherished being free!

Those breathtaking stories about beautiful princesses who were saved by the most courageous knights in shining armour,

CHESTERFIELD: Are stupid.
MAGLOR: Are an insult to female intelligence.
*pause*
MAGLOR: What?


made her heart skip a beat.

BORIS: P-TOOEY!
MAGLOR (as Leonora): Oh…my heart…those stories are worse than cholesterol…


That luminous day she was, as always, sitting in her summer dress, thinking.

TUMNUS: “What’s that big yellow lamp in the sky? Oh, yes—the sun.”

Several thoughts crossed her rapid mind.

*Boris and Chesterfield make noises like a VCR rewinding*

The magnificent vision of that flowering shrub of roses,

BORIS (singing): HALLELUJAH…!

that sweet smell of the spring air,

ALL: IT STINKS!

that wonderful feeling as the sun kissed her fair skin

*everyone makes wet, sloppy kissing sounds*

and the enthralling sound of the floating river.

TUMNUS: As it flooded its banks and drowned her.

She was pondering about the fact that so far, her fifteen-year-old life had

MAGLOR: Been practically nonexistent so far?

seemed purely a prelude to something much greater and more significant than herself.

BORIS: Leonora, it’s official: pond scum is greater and more significant than you.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, at least give her some credit for acknowledging the fact!


She had a splendid life, though.

TUMNUS: What?!
CHESTERFIELD: Well, if you classify the life of a piece of coral as “splendid”…


She was blessed with a family that loved and treasured her,

MAGLOR: “Sssshe’s mine…my own…my precioussss…Gollum, Gollum…”

even though they didn’t always understood her.

CHESTERFIELD: She spoke German, and they spoke Chinese.

She achieved good grades, had lots of trustworthy friends and was rather nice-looking.

BORIS: And, as a result, she was on the shit list of every average person at her school.
MAGLOR: All, right, let us clarify this. You want us to read a story about a girl who is kind and pretty, with a loving family and good grades and trustworthy friends, apparently a free-spirit in love with nature, AND she’s going to make love to Peter Pevensie in an upcoming chapter?! Good Iluvatar, I’d almost rather be turned into an orc; it would hurt a good deal less.


Nonetheless, it appeared her life was not complete,

CHESTERFIELD: Spoiled, ungrateful little brat.

as though she was missing something.

TUMNUS: Come to think of it, she’d misplaced the last piece of her jigsaw puzzle about a month ago, and its absence was leaving a hole in her heart!

If only she knew what it was …

TUMNUS: Try PERSONALITY.
MAGLOR: How about LIFE?


Leonora sighed and got up.

BORIS (as Leonora): Oh, geez, my muscles are all cramped! I haven’t moved from this spot for ten days!

She wanted to get a book in which she would be able to get lost for a few hours.

MAGLOR: Well, don’t forget your compass, Leonora.

Just to clear her mind of thoughts.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): And once I finally find a mad scientist, my transformation into a one-celled paramecium will be complete!

But out of the blue,

BORIS: In a crowded street or a deserted square, I’ll turn and I’ll see you.

she tripped over a root of the magnolia she was sitting under.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Oh, goodness gracious…this is what comes of not moving for days…

She was lying unconscious on the soft green grass.

*A pause. Then uproarious laughter*
MAGLOR: She’s…UNCONSCIOUS?! She tripped over a tree root and landed on soft grass, and yet she’s UNCONSCIOUS?!
BORIS: Boy, she must be the long-lost twin sister of…
CHESTERFIELD: AAAAAH, NO! DON’T SPEAK ITS NAME!
BORIS: Er…your latest meal?
CHESTERFIELD (relieved): Much better.


Apparently, fate had other plans with her…

BORIS: Oh, great; sounds like it was planning to make her even more lazy and useless than she already was!
TUMNUS: Sorry, Leonora; you’re not allowed to have ANY exercise.
MAGLOR: I’m already hoping she wastes away to nothing within the next chapter.
*all exit the theater*

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jules14
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(Wo)man on a Mission
Chapter 2 – Old soul

BORIS: “Old soul”…isn’t that the name of a kind of jazz music?
TUMNUS: I think it’s a brand of whiskey.


Peter had always seemed elder than his years.

BORIS (groan): Oh, here we go… (rolls his eyes)

He was an old child,

CHESTERFIELD: Damn oxymoron…
MAGLOR: Or just plain “moron…”
CHESTERFIELD: You know, I’m only allowing you to make that joke because you’re new here. If it was Jules or Boromir, on the other hand…


someone with an ancient soul.

MAGLOR: What the…
TUMNUS: Souls can age?


Ever since his siblings Lucy, Edmund and Susan were born,

CHESTERFIELD: Life sucked.

not a moment had gone by that he had not looked after them.

MAGLOR: Not a moment? Really?!
BORIS (sigh): She was exaggerating, Maglor.


He had always been more wary for their welfare and safety than for his own. His protective instinct had come naturally.

MAGLOR (nature documentary): The male Peter guards his mate and their offspring; his protective instinct is natural and highly developed for this species.

He couldn’t remember when he had not acted as if he was their guardian.

TUMNUS: Er…how about those times when he was asleep, or sick, or in the bathroom?
CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Hold on! I have to make sure the toilet’s not in a bad mood before you use it!


Nor could anyone else. He cared for them with all his heart.

MAGLOR: All right, he was protective of his siblings; we get the point!

The sweet smile and childlike innocence of Lucy

BORIS (evil voice): Hid the tortured soul of a cold, pitiless murderer!

, the kind and clever look in Susan’s eyes

MAGLOR: Was only there when she was drunk.

and the audacious but sometimes inconsiderate Edmund.

CHESTERFIELD (as Edmund): Hey, Peter, I think you’re a stuck-up, bossy jerk and you need to…oh, that came out all wrong!

He adored every one of his siblings and appreciated them in their own way.

BORIS (singing): Special, special…everyone is special…
CHESTERFIELD (Strong Bad): “Everyone is different. No two people are not on fire. Awwwwww!”


He had a lot of truthful friends, who trusted him with their lives,

TUMNUS: “Peter, could you hold my hand when we cross the street? I don’t want to get hit by a car.”
MAGLOR: “Peter, if I get mauled to death by bullies in the schoolyard, will you return my body to my parents?”


for he was most sincere and loyal. He wouldn’t allow anyone to take the blame for him

BORIS: Not even if he didn’t do anything wrong?!
CHESTERFIELD: I’m sensing some REALLY low self-esteem issues here.


and his extraordinary sense of honour always made the punishment less severe.

TUMNUS: Oh, maybe to him, but try telling that to the person being punished.
MAGLOR: “Egotistical, smug git…”


If one of his friends had a problem or needed some help,

MAGLOR: Peter LAUGHED at him and stuck out his tongue.

Peter was always there to lend him a helping hand

BORIS (as Peter): Hey, I’ve lent you ten helping hands, and you haven’t returned any of them, you shit!

and save him from impairment.

CHESTERFIELD: Save him from being weakened in health?!

He appeared to have the courteous heart of a prince, and perhaps even the heart of a king.

TUMNUS (as the girl with the lonely heart): Oh, he’s SO wonderful…I’m going to give up on this story and write an ode to him praising his magnificent qualities!

As the dreadful war entered his once so blissful life and his beloved father had to join the army, he became even more shielding.

BORIS: “Shielding”?
MAGLOR: Is that even an adjective?


He could not bear the thought of his dear family getting hurt.

BORIS (Peter): Okay, Dad DIDN’T go off to war; he’s on vacation in Hawaii…I’ve just gotta keep telling myself that…
CHESTERFIELD: Sounds like Peter was really in denial.


At the outset, he wanted to join the army and follow his father, for he was a gallant boy as well.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, my; kind, dynamic, AND brave; Peter, teach me, mold me!

But since he was far too young, he took the grave task of

TUMNUS: Digging tombs for dead soldiers?
BORIS: Not funny.


taking care of his siblings upon him.

MAGLOR: Oh, splendid; the grave task that he had apparently been performing his whole life. Yes, Peter had to make great sacrifices when the war came.

A task that was sacred to him.

BORIS (“Peasants Quest” announcer): “A task…for a peasant!”

He had grown up very quickly.

CHESTERFIELD: That growth spurt came upon him so suddenly!

He could not do other wise. Being a child during warfare was almost out of the question.

TUMNUS: Fine, Peter; if you want to grow up enough to stay in London and be blown up, or else join the army and get killed, that’s your affair.

He wanted to be a father for his siblings.

BORIS: Oedipus Peter?
MAGLOR: Oh, please, Boris…


The father they needed so much during those dark and frightening times and missed each second of the day.

BORIS: All RIGHT, so what about him?! Finish your damn sentences!

Peter would not allow himself to leave them all alone.

TUMNUS: “Look Peter, will you get out of my room?! I need some privacy!”

He knew they needed him as much he needed them.

CHESTERFIELD: So…not at all?

When he and his siblings were sent away to a house on the countryside,

MAGLOR: Peter’s use of prepositions took a nosedive.

Peter had faithfully promised his mother to take care of them.

TUMNUS (as Peter): Yes, Mum; I’ll make sure they put on coats in winter and go to bed on time and eat their broccoli every night…d’you want me to change Lucy’s and Edmund’s diapers and spoon-feed Susan while I’m at it?

He was not the kind of boy who would easily break his promise.

CHESTERFIELD (“Ferris Bueler”): ‘Cause if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks, it’d turn into a diamond.

When his sweet little sister, Lucy, told him she had discovered a magical world inside a dusty wardrobe,

BORIS: He realized that he shouldn’t have spiked her Ovaltine beforehand.

he couldn’t believe her, as much as he would have wanted to.

MAGLOR: Wait…why would he have WANTED to? Am I missing something here?

He had always had a soft spot for Lucy

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Now, let’s see, I’ll just pull down my pants, take out this knife, and Lucy will get her soft spot…
BORIS: Chesterfield, you’ve been hanging out with Jules too long.


and it had pained him, seeing her cry because of his disbelieve.

TUMNUS (as Peter): Oh, I’ve got such great character; I’m so pained for Lucy I’m going to take out all my frustration on Edmund.

But when he entered the world himself, accompanied by his siblings, he realised that even in magical worlds,

BORIS (deadpan): You still had to pay your taxes and vote.

war had turned its revolting head.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, war sounds a lot like Johnny Depp with unwashed hair.

A marvellous place Narnia truly was.

BORIS: Turned out Yoda lived there.
CHESTERFIELD (Yoda): Use the force, Luke!


Not only did there live the most remarkable creatures,

MAGLOR: But the Underground system was excellent.

everyone who entered the land, was in complete awe of the land’s beauty as well.

*all are in awe of the horrible grammar*
CHESTERFIELD: Where’s that edible dictionary?


One could almost feel and breathe the magic that was suspended in the freezing air.

*Boris and Tumnus make coughing and choking sounds*
CHESTERFIELD: Sounds like Narnia needs a Clean Air Act.


But as been said before, not all was well in Narnia.

BORIS: For it was being overrun by Mary Sues and featured in crappy fanfics!

The Narnians had not seen pink blossoms on the tree branches for one hundred years. Nor had anyone received one single present from Father Christmas. For an evil witch had covered the land with an everlasting winter. Only Aslan could save Narnia now.

TUMNUS: What’s the point of us having to sit through all this again, when we ALREADY KNOW IT?!
BORIS: Yeah, because I would assume if you’re searching through the Narnia fandom, you’d KNOW about it already.


All at once, brave young Peter had to fulfil two significant tasks.

BORIS (Knight of Ni): Find…a shrubbery!
*Chesterfield imitates a dramatic chord*
BORIS (Knight of Ni): And cut down the mightiest tree in the forest…with…a herring!
*Dramatic chord again*


Not only was he the one who had to keep his family safe from harm,

MAGLOR (irritated): By Iluvatar! Are not Peter’s brother and sisters old enough to take care of themselves?!

he had to save a wonderful world from perishing by the witch’s petrifying reign as well.

TUMNUS: Oh, yes, Peter had to do it all single-handedly. We’ll conveniently IGNORE all that his brother and sisters did and forget that THEY had to save Narnia as well!
CHESTERFIELD: Hmmm…wonder who the author’s favorite character is…


When his brother Edmund was captured by the witch,

TUMNUS: He was NOT! He went to the witch himself!

Peter could not help himself but thinking it was his fault.

BORIS: Especially those incoherent sentences…man, those things were vicious…

He was the one who had shouted at him

CHESTERFIELD (as Edmund): Boy, Peter’s loud…maybe the witch can cast a spell on him to make him shut his mouth…
TUMNUS: Wouldn’t it have been easier for Edmund to wear earplugs?


and he knew in his heart that he had been to hard on him.

MAGLOR: Have you ever been to hard on him, Boris?
BORIS: Hell, yeah! Best vacation ever!


Those quarrels had not broken their band of brotherhood.

CHESTERFIELD (announcer): And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: the Battle of the Bands…of brotherhood!

He truly loved his brother, even though Edmund had done some terrible things.

BORIS (as Peter): Edmund, how much I yell at you, boss you around, and treat you like a five-year-old is a measure of how much I love you.
CHESTERFIELD (as Edmund): Er…thanks for all the love…


He hoped profoundly that Edmund knew that.

TUMNUS (irritably): Well, think about it, Peter; if he’d known that, would he have felt so driven to find the witch’s castle?
MAGLOR: But remember: Edmund DIDN’T find the witch’s castle, according to the author; he was CAPTURED.


If necessary, Peter was willing to give his life for both Edmund and Narnia.

CHESTERFIELD: If it wasn’t necessary…well, he’d just leave Narnia and Edmund and go back to England for that cricket match he was missing.

Peter had conducted an enormous army into battle. He himself, seated on a white unicorn, led them to victory.

MAGLOR: All right; WE KNOW HOW MAGNIFICENT PETER IS!! Would you shut up about it now?!
TUMNUS (shudder): I realize what a good king he turned out to be, but this story is almost making me hate him.


He had fought the enemy with the sword that once was given to him by Father Christmas.

CHESTERFIELD: No, really? I thought he fought with his bare hands!
MAGLOR (sneer): I’m surprised he DIDN’T.


He wore and utilized it with such grace. The blade almost seemed to become a part of him.

BORIS: Peter Pevensie: Gary Stu extraordinaire!
TUMNUS: Gary Stu?
BORIS: The male equivalent of a Mary Sue.


Evil had been overcome. But Peter knew that he couldn’t take all praise.

MAGLOR (gasp): You mean he COULDN’T?! He’s not as wise and all-powerful as we thought?!

It had not once crossed his mind.

CHESTERFIELD: Say, Tumnus, why did the chicken cross the mind?
TUMNUS: I don’t know; why?
CHESTERFIELD: I don’t know either; that’s why I’m asking you.


Without the help of his siblings, the many bizarre creatures and Aslan, he would have never triumphed over the White Witch and her gigantic army.

TUMNUS (disgustedly): Oh, “the bizarre creatures”: thanks. No, don’t bother giving us any names or describing our deeds in great detail, but just turn us into the servants of Peter Stu.
BORIS: I love how according to the author, Aslan “helped” defeat the White Witch; he didn’t conduct and plan the whole battle.
TUMNUS (angrily): Don’t mention that; I may be forced to do something desperate.


He had managed to keep his precious family unharmed as well.

CHESTERFIELD: BONUS!
MAGLOR: His crowning achievement!


Peter, Susan, Lucy and Edmund became the new kings and queens of Narnia.

BORIS (deadpan): End of flashback.
CHESTERFIELD: OWWWWWW!


At last, two sons of Adam and two daughters of Eve sat on throne in Cair Paravel.

TUMNUS: The end…come on, please let this be over now…

He became Peter the Magnificent, as had been prophesied so many decades ago.

CHESTERFIELD: By a ditsy, sexually-frustrated teenage girl who can’t get a date.

And somehow, it wasn’t unforeseen. Peter had always been destined to be a king.

MAGLOR (groan): Oh, Iluvatar, here we go again…
BORIS: Look, girl with the lonely heart, why don’t you just put up an altar to Peter and sacrifice five goats on it and get it over with?!


Although he was still a boy, he did have the heroic heart of a noble man.

CHESTERFIELD: And it was CHOCK-FULL of cholesterol!

Many brave men would have lost their minds, knowing that they ruled a kingdom, blinded by their own infinite power. But not Peter.

TUMNUS: Instead, Peter lost his mind by realizing that hormonal teenage girls were writing lies about him.

He accepted the leadership and crown with a rare humbleness and integrity.

BORIS (as Peter): I’d like to thank God and my family and the Academy for getting me started on the road to success! I love you all; you’re such a great audience!

He was a righteous, tranquil and wonderful king.

MAGLOR (chipper falsetto): Believe it or not, he became even more righteous, tranquil, and wonderful than he already was!

A leader with a wise and honest heart.

CHESTERFIELD: But a stupid and nasty brain.

Under his reign, Narnia was at his prime of splendour.

BORIS: Yeah; he actually made the trains run on time.

He had led Narnia into the glorious Golden Ages.

CHESTERFIELD: The sun never set on the Narnian Empire.
BORIS (singing, to the tune of “America the Beautiful”): Oh, Narnia, oh, Narnia; Aslan protect thee well, from Gary Stus and Mary Sues that make thy life a hell!


People were prepared to follow him to the death.

MAGLOR: Probably so they could GET AWAY FROM HIM.

He was Narnia’s King Arthur.

BORIS: Oh, great; so he was advised by a nutty old codger of a wizard, had his wife cheat on him with one of his most trusted knights, failed to find the Holy Grail, and ruled over a filthy, plague-ridden land full of smelly peasants?
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, give him some credit; he DID manage to survive the French taunting and cross the Bridge of Death.


The sort of king ballads are sung for. The king of their dreams.

ALL (singing): Some day my prince will come…

On a sparkling and vivid day,

BORIS: A day like glittery pink nail polish?!

during the third year of his reign, he went out, horseback riding.

MAGLOR (chanting): Rear and throw him…rear and throw him…

He loved the feeling of riding bareback,

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Oh, man; that horse’s back feels GREAT against my privates…
BORIS: Er…whatever.


his steady eyes staring into the breathtaking Narnian horizon.

TUMNUS (as Peter): Ow…sun…ouch, my eyes!
MAGLOR (shaking his head): He can rule a kingdom, but he can’t remember not to stare straight into the sun.


He smiled as the wind caressed his sun kissed features.

BORIS (singing): The hills are alive…with the sound of Peter…

He was a tall and broad seventeen-year-old man

MAGLOR: Oh, COME now…even among humans, calling a seventeen-year-old boy a MAN is a stretch.

with mesmerizing sapphire eyes and fair, almost golden, hair.

CHESTERFIELD: Poster child for the Aryan race, eh? Great.

Suddenly, something had caught his attention.

TUMNUS: Off to the side of the road, there was a purple kangaroo singing, “Obla-di, Obla-da” and chopping wood.

His accurate eye had noticed a girl, lying unconscious under a blooming magnolia tree.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Oh, great; it’s another one of these bloody American girls who keep popping up here for no reason…I’ll just ignore her…

At first he had thought she was a fallen angel, lying their peacefully.

TUMNUS: Oh, Aslan, no!
BORIS: I can’t even see the connection!


He had thought she was the most perfect creature he had ever laid his cobalt eyes on.

*Boris and Chesterfield throw up. Tumnus clutches his forehead.*
MAGLOR (in disbelief): COBALT EYES?!


But then he realised that she was in desperate need of medical care.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Oh, no; her skin’s been cut all over by that soft grass she landed on!

He took her in his strong arms and placed her on his white horse.

*everyone projectile vomits*
TUMNUS: Why couldn’t this story have a WARNING on it? Something like, “Story may be hazardous to the health of males.”
BORIS: Oh, for Sauron’s sake; Morgoth would have made us read it anyway.


He rode to Cair Paravel, holding her close to his heart…

MAGLOR: And that’s the end of the chapter.
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, at least they’re short!
TUMNUS (groan): I REALLY don’t want to know what happens next…
*all exit*

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(Wo)man on a Mission
Chapter 3 – Caught in each others eyes

TUMNUS: Whoa; that’s a sticky situation…
MAGLOR: Literally.


It had been seven long, painful days

CHESTERFIELD: Since they had watched that mysterious videotape. Now they were dead.

and seven endless, dark nights for the High King,

BORIS (as Peter): Oh, man, I’m so lonely…I REALLY need a date…

since he had found that mysterious girl under a large magnolia tree and had swiftly carried her to Cair Paravel.

*laughter*
TUMNUS: Sounds like she’s keeping him awake every night with her whining.
CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora, valley-girl voice): Like, I don’t have, like, any of my, like, shampoo or hairspray or deodorant! And, like, there’s no indoor plumbing!


He had demanded the most qualified doctors in whole Narnia

TUMNUS: Hey, Narnia has no doctors; Narnia NEEDS no doctors.
MAGLOR: “Whole Narnia”? As opposed to… “Two Percent Narnia”? Or “Skim Narnia”?


and had told them to take care of her with all the medical strength

*everyone flexes their muscles*

and knowledge that lay within them. He was most concerned about her health and her wellbeing.

MAGLOR (as doctor): Hmmm…her muscles seem to have atrophied for some strange reason, and she’s awfully weak and pale for a girl of her age…
CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): But…what can I do?! How did that happen?!
MAGLOR (as doctor): Well, I’m not quite certain what to do, but I’m pretty sure that the fact she sits around all day doing nothing has something to do with this…


He had even given her some of Lucy’s curative potion.

BORIS: Whoa; whoa, Peter, calm down there.
CHESTERFIELD: You know what they say about too many antibiotics.


But for some bizarre reason, it had, mournfully, no healing effect on her, what so ever.

TUMNUS: Well, could that be because she WASN’T REALLY ILL?!

Peter had arranged a peaceful room in the castle for her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Let’s see…pastel wallpaper, check. Cheesy motivational posters, check. Elevator music, check.

He had devotedly not left her side

GLOR: Oh, how kind of him…wait… “devotedly”?
TUMNUS (as Peter, chanting): Die…die…die…die…


since the moment he had caringly laid her down on the soft bed.

BORIS (singing): Down…on…the…bed, where the watermelons grow…
MAGLOR: “Caringly”?


She had not once been out of his thoughts.

CHESTERFIELD: “Take it outta my brain, take it out…doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!”

But now, as he lovingly looked at her pale visage,

MAGLOR (as Peter): You know, she looks almost lifelike…she’ll make a lovely lawn ornament…

the hope that his beautiful angel

*Chesterfield gags*
TUMNUS: He just MET HER!! HE HASN’T EVEN SPOKEN TO HER!!!


would ever come to life again, began to fade.

ALL: Please, please, please…

Each day, it became more and more doubtful, if not impossible, that she would be able to recover.

MAGLOR: Yes, after tripping over a tree root and landing on soft grass (snort).
TUMNUS: Don’t complain, Maglor! I dare to have hope…


The petrifying thought that he would never

BORIS: Be able to learn to bungee-jump…

get a chance to meet her and tell her about his amorous feelings, pained his good heart.

TUMNUS: Oh, Peter, no!
CHESTERFIELD: After seven days of just LOOKING at her!!
MAGLOR: What a perverted… (retches)


The concerned and comforting sound of a warm and tender voice

BORIS: “I like you, so I’m going to kill you first.”

was the first thing Leonora heard. “She is waking up! Thank Aslan!

TUMNUS (sickened): Thank Aslan? DON’T thank Aslan; I REFUSE to believe Aslan had anything to do with this.

Are you safe and sound? Are you able to get up? Can I help you, milady?”

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Whoa, slow down! I just woke up, for Christ’s sake!

When Leonora opened her auburn eyes,

TUMNUS: Auburn eyes. AUBURN EYES.
BORIS (in shock): What else can you say?


she gazed, much to her surprise, in the enchanting azure pair

MAGLOR: Of WHAT?!
CHESTERFIELD: Pants?


of a youthful man.

TUMNUS: So, in other words, a BOY?!
BORIS: Man, political correctness has definitely gone too far.


“Yes, thank you for your generous concern, good sir.

MAGLOR: “I woke up with a strange teenage boy staring down at me, and EVERYTHING is perfectly normal. Why should I be afraid, or even startled?”

But I think I’m all right”, she whispered, feeling still a bit weak.

TUMNUS: “I hope I can recover from that groundhog bite on my bum…”

The huge room, in which she had awoken just a few moments ago,

CHESTERFIELD (ominously): Was filled with boxes that said TNT on them…and somebody was lighting a fire!

in the caring arms of that perfect stranger,

BORIS: Oh, for Sauron’s sake; KEEP YOUR INFATUATION WITH PETER TO YOURSELF!!!

did not seem familiar to her at all.

TUMNUS: Oh, clever, genius. Your brain power is astonishing.

It was the most marvellous room she had ever seen.

ALL (singing): Be…our…guest, be our guest, put our service to the test…

The plastered walls were painted in a soft indigo

CHESTERFIELD: Right; there’s stupid synonym for the color blue number three…

and on one side of the room; there were hung numerous tapestries in the most brilliant colours with roaring lions embroidered on them.

MAGLOR (as Peter): Ah, you like my art collection, “The Rhythm of the Serengeti,” I see!

On the other side, there were a number of impressive golden windows.

BORIS: Cut in the shapes of giraffes, elephants, and wildebeests.

In the centre of the room, a magnificent silver chandelier with sparkling crystals

*everyone hums “Phantom of the Opera” music*

was suspended from the high, sea green ceiling.

TUMNUS: Indigo walls, bright colored tapestries, golden windows, a silver chandelier, and a sea-green ceiling. Who decorated this room?
BORIS: Well, he’s probably been fired by now, whoever he was.


Leonora was lying in an elegant, oaken four-poster with mint green, silken sheets and countless, feathery blue and green pillows on it.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, thanks. I really give a shit about that, you know.

The other astonishing pieces of furniture in the room,

MAGLOR: Oh, furniture. Astonishing, eh?
BORIS: Awe-inspiring… (snort)


such as the imposing wardrobe, which had golden, lion shaped handles

TUMNUS (as Aslan): And while I’m delighted that you feel such regard for me, I’m rather irritated to be reduced to a merchandising symbol.

and the chic cupboard, which had gemstone knobs, were made of the same kind of wood.

BORIS: So now we’re on the “Antiques Roadshow”.
CHESTERFIELD: Great; now we’ll have to hear how many nails went into the furniture.


The delicate wood-carving seemed to tell an ancient tale.

BORIS (as wood-carving): Earendil was a mariner that tarried in Arvernien
MAGLOR (as wood-carving): In the beginning…


It was obvious that skilled and experienced craftsmen had made these gorgeous pieces with great care.

CHESTERFIELD: Of course; you could tell immediately by the Nike swoosh on the chairs and the McDonald’s arches on the table.

Leonora was stunned by the beauty of every little detail in that amazing room.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Ooh, this is really nice…hey, look! There’s a beautiful moth caught in the chandelier! And a lovely cake-crumb on the floor! And the prettiest dust under the bed!

She took a look through the circle shaped, golden window next to the bed.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Aaaah! There’s a scary guy in a Ninja costume peeking in at me!

The overwhelming sight of the deep azure sea in which graceful mermaids were playing a delightful game,

BORIS: Oh, a “delightful game,” eh?
MAGLOR: Must we consider what that phrase connotes?


marvelled her. “Excuse me, my noble sir,

TUMNUS: Well, nice to know that Narnian politeness comes naturally to this girl.

for this question may sound odd to you, but …

CHESTERFIELD: “Can I get red contact lenses?”
MAGLOR: “Where’s the nearest lavatory?”


where on earth am I?” Leonora asked incredulous.

BORIS: In the police station.
TUMNUS: In the nearest mental hospital.


“You are in Narnia”,

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Oh, thanks; but seeing as how I’ve never HEARD of Narnia…

a little girl, who had just entered the room, accompanied by two other children,

BORIS (as Leonora): Hey, get out of here! I want my badly-decorated, elevator-music-filled room all to myself!

answered with a loving smile. “My name is Lucy Pevensie”, she said cheerfully.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Ah, shut up with the optimism, kid! I just woke up from a coma, damn it!

Leonora was immediately fond of Lucy.

TUMNUS (falsetto): It was love at first sight!

No one could do otherwise, I guess.

ALL: WHAT?!

Lucy was a sweet, spontaneous, little girl.

ALL: SPONTANEOUS?!

She had short, brunette hair,

MAGLOR: Oh, for Eru’s sake…
BORIS (as the girl with the lonely heart): I’m stupid and illiterate, and proud of it!


cobalt eyes and several endearing little freckles

CHESTERFIELD: Aw, da cute widdle fweckles!

around her tilted nose. Leonora presumed she was just about ten years old.

TUMNUS: Or so she PRESUMED…

“My name is Edmund Pevensie, I’m very pleased to finally meet you”,

MAGLOR: “After barely a week, when I was hardly even aware of your existence.”

a boy with dark features added. Edmund had short, black, uncombed hair and emerald eyes.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, now she’s plagiarizing J.K. Rowling!
BORIS: Edmund was trying to pass himself off as Harry Potter, without much success.


He wore a naughty grin on his face,

CHESTERFIELD (as Edmund): Ooh, you are HOT, girl!

although he was rather friendly and polite.

TUMNUS (snort): “Rather”…strange how one word can make so much difference, eh? [/b]

Leonora believed him to be around twelve years old.

ALL: Or so she BELIEVED…

“And I am Susan Pevensie, the eldest sister”,

TUMNUS (as Lucy): Oh, thanks for rubbing it in, Susan!

another, more mature girl said. Susan had stunning, long, brown hair

BORIS: And she was so sweet with her get-back stare.

and jade eyes.

TUMNUS: What is with describing the eyes like jewels?!
BORIS: I dunno, but it’s annoying as hell.


She had an intelligent expression on her face and a kind smile.

CHESTERFIELD: Both manufactured by Covergirl.

Leonora assumed she was the same age as she was,

TUMNUS & MAGLOR: Or so she…
BORIS: Okay, okay; it’s gotten old by now.


although Susan gave the impression of being elder, because of her refined and poised appearance.

MAGLOR: Or because unlike YOU, she can actually stand on her own two feet and get some work done!

“My name is Peter Pevensie”, the eldest boy with the striking eyes said.

BORIS: “See the connection yet? Notice how we all have the same last name? Huh? Huh?”

“Welcome to Cair Paravel, our castle.”

BORIS (singing): Wilkommen, bienvenue…

Peter had stunning golden locks

TUMNUS: And keys.

and heavenly sapphire eyes,

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, I thought they were cobalt eyes!
MAGLOR: Just call them “blue,” you idiot; it would be much easier.


in which Leonora instantaneously drowned.

BORIS: Glub…glub…glub…
TUMNUS: The end.


She could not help herself,

CHESTERFIELD: Because she’d never gotten around to taking swimming lessons.

for those captivating eyes had innocently hypnotized numberless persons before.

BORIS (as Peter): I STILL can’t figure out why everybody in Hyde Park is staring after me with stupid expressions on their faces…although when I wore sunglasses yesterday, they weren’t…hmmm…

He was a gallant and handsome gentleman,

*laughter*
MAGLOR: And he’s only seventeen!


but, deep in his virtuous heart, somehow still a boy.

TUMNUS: “Somehow”? What do you mean, “somehow”?

He was a tad elder than Susan, about seventeen years old. This all came as a startling bolt of lightning

CHESTERFIELD: ZZZZZAPPPPP!
BORIS (as Leonora): Ow, my hair! I’m on fire!


on the bright break of an agreeable spring day to Leonora. Not only did she appear to be in another, magical land,

CHESTERFIELD: But her menstrual cramps were driving her crazy!

perhaps even in another world,

MAGLOR (shaking his head): And she’s not even worrying that she’s been kidnapped, or that she’s somewhere in her home town? She immediately assumes she’s in another world?
CHESTERFIELD: Aw, the girl with the lonely heart just didn’t want to worry about plot development or normal human behavior or any of that unnecessary crap.


she had found herself in the presence of four welcoming siblings,

TUMNUS: Oh, and she just figured out they were siblings now?
BORIS: Boy, if Leonora gets any more intelligent, she might actually get out of special needs class.


who seemed to own an enormous and breathtaking castle, as well.

CHESTERFIELD: Turned out they’d bought it on EBay for only seven dollars.

This could not happen but in a fantastic and unbelievable dream.

TUMNUS: Pinch yourself and wake up, Leonora!

A dazzling dream she did not wish to wake up from yet.

MAGLOR: It was much more interesting than her normal dreams, which involved margarine, and pieces of lint, and mildewed towels…
BORIS: Maglor, you might beat Jules for obscure riffs.


Leonora pulled herself together. “My name is Leonora”;

CHESTERFIELD: “No, I don’t have a last name, so don’t even ask.”

she said shyly with a sweet and rather silent voice.

TUMNUS (exasperated): If it was SILENT, you wouldn’t be able to HEAR IT!
CHESTERFIELD: The results of a fine American English education, people.


“It is an honour to meet you,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, a British English, or maybe Canadian English education.
MAGLOR: Shameful, really…


fine sirs and dear ladies.

BORIS (as Peter): Look, can’t you talk like a NORMAL person, girl?

But, forgive me my bluntness,

ALL: WHAT bluntness?

for I can’t help but asking;

CHESTERFIELD: “Where do babies come from?”
TUMNUS: “I’ve forgotten; what’s that big shiny white light that appears in the night sky? Oh, now I remember…it’s the moon.”


do you really possess this remarkable castle,

BORIS: “No, it belongs to the Narnian National Bank; we’re renting it for the summer holidays.”

my hospitable hosts and hostesses?”

MAGLOR: Hospitable, happy hosts and hostesses.
CHESTERFIELD: Hosting the heroine in their humble home.
TUMNUS: Having a homelike, heavenly holiday in the high-towered house.
BORIS (as the girl with the lonely heart): I’m going to use big words and alliterations to make me sound smart, even though they don’t make any sense!


“Indeed, we do. This palace was, is and will be

CHESTERFIELD: Geez; just say “is,” you wordy freak!

the home of every king and every queen of Narnia, actually.

BORIS: “But not ours, unfortunately…”

We have lived here for almost three wonderful years now, I believe. It is a splendid place to live, really.

TUMNUS: Well, I would HOPE so, if you lived there three years!

You can go for a walk in the enormous Royal Gardens, visit the old wooden stables and

BORIS: “Don’t miss the Natural Bridge, the Wishing Well, and Santa’s Workshop!”

each and every room is even prettier than the previous one”,

MAGLOR: “There are rooms with colors that clash even more than the ones in here!”

Lucy said with a merry tone of voice.

ALL (singing): Hey, dol, merry dol, ring-a-dong, dillo…!

She was always exceedingly thrilled whenever the opportunity of meeting a new friend arrived.

TUMNUS (as Lucy): Ah, HA, HA, HA, HEEEEEE! HA, HA, HA!!
CHESTERFIELD (as Susan): Shh, Lucy…act cool, okay?


Leonora gasped.

BORIS: “Hey, I actually moved my lazy jaws enough to talk!”

These courteous children were powerful kings and gracious queens.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, that’s really progressive; the kings are powerful, but the queens are just gracious.
BORIS: Boy, if Jules were here, she’d go through the roof.


But they seemed so young, far too young even;

MAGLOR: In fact, about as young as something really, really, REALLY young.

to make the grave decisions that kings and queens are ought to make and that could affect an entire kingdom.

TUMNUS: Oh, like whether or not to hire decent language arts teachers for the schools?

Peter noticed the bewildered look in Leonora’s dreamy eyes.

BORIS (as Leonora): Oh, where did I leave my sleeping pills?

“Allow me to clarify things for you, milady.”

ALL: “YOU…SMELL…BAD!”

Peter proposed thoughtfully. Leonora smiled gratefully at him

TUMNUS: “Ooh…boy…cute…”

and blushed as the charming king smiled back at her.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, NO!!!
BORIS: I thought we were done with all the damn smiling and blushing!!!


She enjoyed listening to Peter’s deep and gentle voice,

CHESTERFIELD: In fact, she had 50 tracks on her iPod, all labeled “Peter’s Deep and Gentle Voice.”
TUMNUS: You know, I think there actually IS a song with that title, or something like it.


whilst he told his miraculous story.

MAGLOR (as the girl with the lonely heart): Like, I’m a genius! Like, I said “whilst” instead of “while”!

He told about Lucy, finding a magical world inside an old and dusty wardrobe, about the massive battle the four children had fought against a deceitful Witch, about good prevailing and about their coronation,

TUMNUS: Read the last chapter for details.
CHESTERFIELD: Thank Saruman she didn’t describe it all over again!


the most precious moment in their, yet so young, lives.

MAGLOR: Forget it; I shan’t try to riff that. All I can do is state the plain truth: YOU USE COMMAS IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES!

The three other siblings added some little details they found noteworthy every so often,

CHESTERFIELD: “Peter, Aslan DIRECTED the whole battle; he didn’t just HELP with it!”
TUMNUS: “Peter, just because you’re the high king doesn’t mean you can talk about us like we’re useless!”


which made the enjoyable tale even more realistic

ALL: HUH?!

and amusing to listen to.

BORIS (as Leonora): Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Peter’s egotistical and his siblings are mad! That’s great!

When Peter had ended his unique story, it was Leonora’s turn to reveal her past.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): I’m actually a transvestite named Leopold!
MAGLOR (as Leonora): I don’t ALWAYS sit down and think; sometimes I lie down and think!


She told them about her life at home,

BORIS (as Leonora): I always thought I wanted to be a one-celled animal when I grew up, so I’m practicing by living like one!

about her daily occupations,

ALL: WHAT daily occupations?!

such as reading fascinating books and dreaming about tremendous things,

TUMNUS: Case in point…
MAGLOR: Also breathing, and blinking, and digesting her food, and sweating…


and she told them about her loving family, those she treasured most in her life.

*everyone makes exaggerated snoring sounds*

She also mentioned how she came, or rather stumbled, into Narnia and shared her first impressions of this quite extraordinary place with them.

MAGLOR: Well, seeing as how her first impressions, since she was unconscious, came to her barely FIVE MINUTES AGO…
BORIS (as Leonora): Boy, this room is Changing Rooms’s worst nightmare.


While they were telling their most hilarious anecdotes and their most cherished stories

CHESTERFIELD: “So, like, this one time at band camp, I was marching in the mud, and, like, I fell down, and, like, smashed my flute…”
TUMNUS (as Leonora): So, this one time, I was sitting in the garden, and I saw the FUNNIEST blade of grass…


, the four siblings and Leonora had a terrific time.

BORIS: Gee golly whiz; that’s pretty gosh darned swell!

When these lovely tales were told and the children were all fairly acquainted to each other,

MAGLOR: The Pevensies had all fallen asleep, owing to Leonora’s exceedingly dull stories.

they were starting to feel rather hungry.

MAGLOR: Oh.

They decided to get dressed for dinner, which was served in the Grand Ballroom that evening, in honour of Leonora…

BORIS: DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!
TUMNUS: And the most boring guest of honor is…!
*all exit the theater*

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(Wo)man on a Mission
Chapter four – Laughs and secrets

*everyone laughs loudly, then whispers*

The four children separated to prepare themselves for the feast.

TUMNUS (gasp): Prepare themselves for the feast?! That’s cannibalism!

Leonora joined Susan and Lucy to decide on which one of their gorgeous ball gowns they were going to wear to the royal banquet.

BORIS: No! This isn’t happening!
CHESTERFIELD: “Gorgeous ball gowns”…it’s bringing back horrible memories of…you-know-what…


The boys went to their own dressing room

CHESTERFIELD: What, we’re on a movie set now?

to have a wash and a brush-up for the ostentatious dinner.

MAGLOR: Ah, yes; the girls dress up, but the boys only wash their faces and brush their hair. The stereotypes ARE true.

Leonora adored the majestic palace

BORIS: But not THIS tumbledown, tacky piece of crap!

and she found herself walking through it in complete wonder, with her mouth wide open as a result of her amazement.

MAGLOR (snicker): Heh; she probably looked like a frog who’d just swallowed a marble.

She could not help herself from dawdling

BORIS: Hey, what can you say? Old habits die hard.

to examine every beautiful piece of fine art in the enormous castle.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Oh, look, it’s a marvelous sculpture of a chamber pot! I wonder what the artist meant for it to symbolize…
TUMNUS (as Susan): Er…that IS an actual chamber pot, Leonora.


There were a lot of giant windows, through which soft sunbeams fell

MAGLOR: Ker-PLOP!
BORIS: Splat, splat, splat!


on the white marble floor of the corridor which the three girls were passing through.

*Boris and Chesterfield imitate organ music*

It almost seemed as if the sunrays were in truth, flower fairies who were joyously dancing an elegant ballet.

*Silence*
BORIS: Okay, that’s stretching simile use WAY too far.


To tell the truth, Leonora was somehow not from top to bottom convinced

BORIS (singing): But if, baby, I’m the bottom, then you’re the top…
CHESTERFIELD: What the HELL does that mean?


that the dancing fairies were merely a sparkling creation of her lively imagination.

CHESTERFIELD: Of course, since she’d smoked that funny-looking powder, she’d been seeing a LOT of things not merely a…a…oh, geez; I can’t even imitate this author’s damn wordiness!
*Boris hums “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”*


On the high walls, remarkably gifted artists

MAGLOR: Ah; they were probably from that same “gifted” fifth-grade class Leonora was from.

had painted vibrant and colourful drawings of the most miraculous creatures.

BORIS: It seemed that Lucy, though she was ten years old, still loved to color on walls.
TUMNUS: I think it would most likely be Edmund.


The illustrations were extraordinarily realistic,

CHESTERFIELD: They were the most fleshed-out stick figures that Leonora had ever seen!

it was as if the creatures on the walls were in fact living, walking and breathing beings

TUMNUS: So, what now? Is Cair Paravel a funhouse or something?!
CHESTERFIELD: It’s supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!


and were able to step out of the wall at any moment.

BORIS (shaking his head): This is REALLY starting to weird me out…
CHESTERFIELD (“Pod People” kid): “You’re magical, aren’t you, Trumpy?”


Everywhere you went;

MAGLOR: You found creepy mirrors and masks hanging on the walls.

you could find detailed golden decorations in the shape of a grandiose roaring lion.

BORIS (announcer): It’s Aslan World, the most magical place on earth!
CHESTERFIELD (announcer): It’s Disney’s new theme park: Lion King World!


It was more than magnificent. It was breathtaking.

TUMNUS: SO TRY A HOLIDAY IN CAIR PARAVEL NEXT YEAR! DO YOU GET THE POINT BY NOW?!

As the girls wandered through that corridor,

MAGLOR: Tragedy struck…
BORIS: A lone gunman… (gunshot noises)


the two Pevensie sisters were sneakily whispering things in each others ears

TUMNUS (as Lucy, whispering): Look, can’t we just throw Leonora out?!
MAGLOR (as Susan, whispering): No! That wouldn’t be polite!


and from time to time, they would burst out in a smothered laughter.

CHESTERFIELD: “Ha, ha, ha! Man, Leonora is SO STUPID…she looks like a frog that swallowed a marble!”

“What causes your joyous mirth, if I may ask, my beloved friends?” Leonora asked the two grinning sisters curiously

BORIS: Probably the fact that you talk like a waitress at a Renaissance Faire!

. “O please, my dear Leonora, do not tell me that you have not noticed it!”

TUMNUS: What the…where are all the contractions?
BORIS: Oh, no; Renaissance-Faire-speak is contagious!


Susan exclaimed with a hint of amusement in her sweet voice.

MAGLOR (as Susan): Hee, hee…I can’t even hide how ridiculous she looks anymore…

“What is this important matter I have unintentionally failed to notice?”

ALL (as Leonora): HUZZAH!

Leonora asked, flabbergasted by Susan’s answer. “Well, the affectionate gaze in Peter’s eyes.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Hey, I almost DROWNED in Peter’s eyes; don’t even mention them to me!

I am of believe that he has a profound fondness for you”,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, COME ON…
MAGLOR: “I am of believe”?!


Lucy whispered as if her big brother himself was able to hear her words.

BORIS: Look, Lucy, even if he did hear, it’s not like he’d be able to UNDERSTAND that meaningless gibberish you call English!

“I am afraid that I can neither disagree nor consent with you,

MAGLOR: The opposite of “disagree” would be AGREE, dear.
CHESTERFIELD (shaking his head): Girl with the lonely heart, you’re making fanfic-writing harder than it really is.


my queens, for I have not observed such thing.

BORIS (“The Russians are Coming”): “EMERGENCY! Everybody to get from street!”

But I do believe that you are both true to your word,

TUMNUS: “Though I’ve known you but a short while…”

therefore I shall accept it as true”, Sofia said diplomatically

ALL: WHO?!

whilst she tried to keep her voice from trembling.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Overdone faux-medieval dialogue is exhausting.

She felt butterflies darting around in her stomach

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Oh, why did I eat those caterpillar eggs? Why didn’t I just move my lazy bum into the house for lunch?

and she knew this was not only a consequence of

BORIS: The caterpillar eggs…
MAGLOR: Her menstrual cramps…


the excitement of entering a new, mysterious and magical world.

BORIS: Otherwise known as Disney’s Haunted Mansion.
TUMNUS: This isn’t even Narnia anymore; it’s…some sort of carnival, it sounds like.


They arrived at an imposing, peach tinted door.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, they’ve reached Roger De Bris’s apartment!

Behind that immense entrance, one could find an elegantly decorated room

TUMNUS: Oh, great; just like all these other elegantly decorated rooms, eh?
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, damn; I was hoping they’d find a basketball court.


which held quite a lot of marvellously sculptured wardrobes and a huge golden mirror.

MAGLOR: What is with all these wardrobes?!
BORIS: Yeah, is it to pay homage to the fact that they reached Narnia through a wardrobe?


In the heart of the room, on top of a small, wooden cupboard

BORIS (singing): Was a bump on the log in the hole at the bottom of the sea…

rested a rather large silver chest.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yuck; it’s Dumbledore with his shirt off!

It was decorated with tiny roses, carved out of ruby,

TUMNUS: Oh, she doesn’t even have a good sense of color for jewelry! Silver and ruby…ugh.

and securely sealed with a leaf shaped lock.

BORIS: Hey, say that three times fast!
CHESTERFIELD: Leaf-shaped lock, leaf…
BORIS: Not now, you dope!


In that graceful chest, Susan and Lucy enlightened her,

MAGLOR: She would soon be buried, after the poison started to work.

the royal crown jewelleries were kept out of harm's way.

CHESTERFIELD: Er, girls, do you really want to tell a complete stranger that?
TUMNUS (as Leonora): Ha, ha, this robbery will be almost TOO easy!


Leonora took her time to look at this impressive room.

BORIS (as Leonora): Well, it seems to be free of mice and termites…are there any cockroaches under the bed?

It was true what Lucy had told her,

CHESTERFIELD: Gamera WAS a friend to all the children!

although Leonora had found it impossible to believe at the time.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): What do you mean, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy aren’t real?!

Each room was indeed prettier than the previous one.

MAGLOR: Certainly GAUDIER than the previous one.

She unhurriedly strolled around,

TUMNUS (as Leonora, counting paces): One, two, three, four…

staring at every painting and closet with a true form of admiration.

MAGLOR: So what’s a false form of admiration like?
BORIS: I’m clueless.


“I do not know if you even desire to know of this.

ALL: “So get out!”

Nevertheless, I am of opinion that you had better be acquainted with it, Leonora”, Susan suddenly whispered.

CHESTERFIELD: Look, Susan; we know you’re intelligent; you don’t need to throw a lot of dictionary words in our faces!

Leonora spun around to perceive Susan’s expression,

BORIS (maliciously): And saw a look of pure, unadulterated EVIL!

trying to think of a sensible reason why

CHESTERFIELD: They were all talking like Grover monster on Sesame Street.

Susan had spoken with so much sadness in her voice.

TUMNUS: How could she even tell?

Susan was sitting down on a divan with cherry cushions on it.

MAGLOR: Cushions in two exciting new flavors: cherry and watermelon!

Her eyes were filled with sorrow

BORIS (as Susan): Oh, bloody, I’ve gone blind!

and she had a few forlorn lines about her crimson mouth,

CHESTERFIELD: “Crimson mouth”? I think I last read those two words in a dime store porn novel.
TUMNUS (sickened): Good Aslan…


which made her look elder and melancholic.

MAGLOR: Well, thank you, but as I have NO idea what that means, your description is lost on me.

“You have been lifeless for nearly a whole week.

CHESTERFIELD: “Would that such a wonderful time had lasted longer…”

Peter had not left your side during that time. He has managed to rule over our far-reaching land and make vital decisions,

MAGLOR: “But you still have to remind him not to put on his breeches backwards.”

whilst he was seated next to you.

BORIS (as Peter): Oh, the Calormenes want to start a war? Well, just deal with it any way you know how; I’ve got to make sure this strange girl I picked up out of the woods is okay…

He was so concerned and troubled, despite the fact that he did not wish for anyone to notice it.

TUMNUS (exasperated): How could anyone not notice?! He’s been spending all his time at the girl’s bedside!

I did however,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, great, Susan; you’re real perceptive. Peter’s been confined to one room for a week, and you’re the only one who realized something was wrong.

for it is beyond one’s reach to hide such delicate things from one’s siblings.”

BORIS: “So I can’t stop Edmund and Lucy from breaking all my porcelain dolls, and it sucks!”

Susan continued with a hushed voice.

MAGLOR (as Leonora): WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?!

You could hear it had saddened her, seeing her brother being tortured by a devastating heartache.

TUMNUS: So what stopped her from trying to help him?
BORIS: I think she got a kick out of seeing her Gary-Stu-brother suffering.


It had broken her heart, seeing him heartbroken.

MAGLOR: So, I would say that it was pretty heartbreaking, wouldn’t you?
CHESTERFIELD: Yep; it breaks my heart to see Peter’s noble heart broken by such a heartbreaking event that left him and his siblings so heartbroken.


Leonora could hardly believe her ears.

BORIS (as Leonora): Oh, my god…like, SO many big words!

She had no insight whatsoever on how to react to such information.

TUMNUS: Well, how about fainting? You seem pretty talented at that.

That enchanting boy, who had never seen her before in his entire life,

MAGLOR: Had already fallen under her evil spell!
TUMNUS (sadly): Peter was under an evil spell in this fic BEFORE he met Leonora.


had cared deeply for her, more than anyone had ever done.

CHESTERFIELD: But…I thought her parents loved her and she had friends! I thought she didn’t come from a ridiculously angsty background!
BORIS: Eh, she’s probably feeling lonely because her parents refuse to talk Renaissance-Faire-speak.


Her heart fluttered at the thought

*everyone hums “The Flight of the Bumblebee”*

and her cheeks turned a light scarlet.

TUMNUS: Not improving the general color scheme of the room.

She hoped neither Lucy nor Susan would be able to notice it. “Let us not speak about that horrid period any longer, Susan”, Lucy said

CHESTERFIELD: Huh?
BORIS: The HELL?!


with an afflicted expression on her face, “It is putting knots in my stomach.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Susan): Well, that’s what happens when you eat bean burritos right after having Indian food, Lucy; I told you that!

Leonora felt how her body relaxed in relief.

BORIS (as Leonora): Bite the dust, constipation!

She was grateful that Lucy had changed the subject

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Yeah, heh-heh, good idea, Lucy; let’s not talk about my coma or about Peter or about love or about sex…oh, no; my cheeks have turned a darker scarlet!

and she wondered why Susan had brought up this affair.

MAGLOR: I’m wondering as well; if it was supposed to be foreshadowing, it was horribly written.

“These sagacious and erudite words

TUMNUS: WHAT?!
MAGLOR: It’s obvious; the author doesn’t even know what half these words mean!


you speak are more than true, Lucy.

BORIS: “More than true”? So what would “less than true” mean?
CHESTERFIELD: Uh…that it was a lie?


Fortunately, the ghastly time of our friend’s dreadful illness is entirely behind us now”,

TUMNUS (ominously): Of course, if you say that…
BORIS: Be sure to knock on wood, Susan! Actually, don’t; we want Leonora to get sick and die.


Susan agreed. She had put on her cheery smile again

MAGLOR (as Susan): Does this cheery smile make me look fat?

and it almost seemed as if nothing had happened, as if nothing had been said.

TUMNUS (scowl): Not true; if nothing had been said, I wouldn’t have horrible pictures in my mind right now.
BORIS: Unrealistic teen sex, here we come!


Leonora wondered if Susan felt the same way on the inside, as she let out on the outside.

CHESTERFIELD: “If what happened on your insides happened on your outside, would you still smoke?”

“I’ll tell you what?

BORIS: You’ll tell us why the hell you haven’t thrown Leonora out of the castle!
TUMNUS: How about why you didn’t help Peter when he needed it?


Shall I let Leonora see the gown I had the royal tailors made for her?” Susan suggested,

ALL: NO!
CHESTERFIELD: Spare us! We don’t want to sit through two paragraphs of clothing description!


even though she was already on her way to an auburn wardrobe

MAGLOR (as Lucy): Have a good time!
TUMNUS (as Leonora): Don’t hurry back!


and did not anticipate any resistance.

BORIS: No! We must resist! We must resist, or die of boredom!
CHESTERFIELD: Hear, hear!


“A dress? For me?

MAGLOR: “No, a dress for Peter…YES, a dress for you!”

Honestly, my beloved Susan,

*everyone stifles laughter*

you should not have put yourself through all that trouble for me!

TUMNUS (frustrated): Tell us something we don’t know, Leonora!

I owe you all my appreciation and gratitude

BORIS: Hey, at least she didn’t say “gratitution”.
CHESTERFIELD: Which means that this author has a better grasp of vocabulary than the scriptwriters for the musical “Wicked”…which is pathetic…


for this wonderful and startling endowment.” Leonora stated.

MAGLOR (PBS fundraiser): Just call this number and pledge to endow our station with any of the sums stated below…

“It was no difficulty at all, my acquaintance.

TUMNUS: Oh, that’s affectionate.
BORIS: “Look, even if I dumped you, can’t we just be acquaintances?”


You are truthfully more than worth it”, Susan protested.

*Pause*
MAGLOR: She’s not even worth a ragged piece of toilet paper.
CHESTERFIELD: Hmmm…maybe that’s the “dress” Susan’s going to give her.


An admiring smile arose on Leonora’s fair face

BORIS (elevator operator): Going up…next stop, level two!

as she witnessed the lavishness of her evening dress.

*Boris and Chesterfield cover their eyes*
TUMNUS: Er…that’s all. She’s not describing it.
BORIS: Oh, what a relief!
CHESTERFIELD: I think we would have been the first two people…or almost people…in history to actually die of boredom.


Meanwhile, in the boy’s dressing room, on the other side of the gargantuan castle,

*laughter*
BORIS: We don’t want any scandals…


Peter became more and more uneasy as a result of Edmund’s inexplicable grin.

TUMNUS (as Edmund): Ha, ha, ha, he suspects something…and I haven’t even done anything! This is great!

“What is this humorous event of which I have no knowledge, Edmund?

CHESTERFIELD: Geez! Whatever happened to plain old “What’s so funny”?!
MAGLOR: How are we supposed to take the characters seriously when they talk like this?!


Would u please be so kind to finally tell me the justification of your mysterious laughter?”

BORIS: Oh, look; she’s easing up on the formalities: she’s putting some chat-speak into her dialogue!
CHESTERFIELD: “Edmund, lyke, would u be so kind 2 tell me, lyke, the justification of ur kewl funni mysterious laughter?!1


Peter nearly begged him. Edmund smirked teasingly.

TUMNUS (as Edmund): Oh, Peter; what a change of pace, to see you begging me for something…the tables are turned, ha, ha, ha…

“O, come on Peter, I do hope you are aware of being my dearly loved brother!

CHESTERFIELD: “So stop telling that story about how Mum found me in a basket on our doorstep!”

I am on familiar terms with you and your every habit!

MAGLOR: “And I SAW you picking your nose in the Great Hall last night!”
CHESTERFIELD (as Peter, Mike Nelson): He knows about the porn…


I know when your spirit is in distress

TUMNUS: “That’s easy; it’s whenever you yell at me for no reason!”

but I also notice when your heart is overwhelmed with adoration.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): This is about how long I take to iron my underwear, isn’t it?

And you, my valued friend, carry romantic feelings in you heart for that Leonora!”

BORIS (as Peter): Oh, well, why didn’t you say so?
MAGLOR (as Peter): Um, Edmund? You DO realize that we’re not twelve years old anymore? Well, you are, but…


Edmund said with tears in his eyes of hilarity

CHESTERFIELD (as Edmund): EW…love, and cooties, and sex, and…EWWWWW!

as he saw the dumbfounded expression on Peter’s handsome face.

TUMNUS (as Peter): Duh…yeah, huh-huh…what?

He looked like he had just seen a ghost flying by.

BORIS (as Peter): Fuck you, Casper!

Peter felt as if he was a little child again, caught steeling a chocolate biscuit from his mother’s kitchen.

BORIS: Wow, he steels his chocolate biscuits? I usually iron my chocolate biscuits.
MAGLOR: As for me, I mithril them.
CHESTERFIELD: I aluminum them.
TUMNUS: That was stupid.
BORIS: Well, blame the author, then.


Was it that obvious?

TUMNUS: Well, yes, considering the author has no idea how to build up suspense or develop a plot!

He instantaneously pulled himself together and answered with a forged ignorance.

MAGLOR: Hm; sounds as though he’s good with a pen as well.

”Don’t be ridiculous, Ed!

CHESTERFIELD: “Ben and Jerry’s is MUCH better than Haggendas!”

That truly is the most preposterous thing my ears have ever heard!

BORIS: “I only fall in love with girls who are perfect, like me! Oh, wait; Leonora IS perfect…hmmm…”

Honestly, I have not even yet had a chance to meet that girl properly!”

MAGLOR (as Edmund): So why were you calling her “your beautiful angel”?
TUMNUS (as Peter): Hold on; I’m getting to that…


he called out, just a bit louder than he had intended on doing.

TUMNUS (as servants): Oh, great; Peter’s having a shouting match with Edmund again…

“That look in your eyes said more than a thousand words could have ever done, though.

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah; it could actually speak better English.

Lucy and Susan have become conscious of it as well”, Edmund continued.

MAGLOR: “So, naturally, they’re behaving like six-year-olds, just like me!”

“Lucy has even told me to pass on good wishes to you”,

TUMNUS: “I believe her exact words were, ‘Wish Peter luck. Tell him I feel his pain.’”

Edmund said jokingly as he sauntered to the cherry wood closet

BORIS (as Edmund, to the closet): Hey, pretty girl; wanna dance with me?

and chose a spotless burgundy tunic, with silver embroidery on it, and a pair of dark brown trousers, to be dressed in that evening.

TUMNUS (as Edmund): Hey, look at this; I’m dressing up as Boromir for the banquet this evening!

“Quite frankly, my favourite little brother,

MAGLOR (as Edmund): Peter, I’m your ONLY little brother.

what kind of knowledge could my little sisters possibly possess about my feelings towards perfect strangers?”

*Silence*
BORIS: Peter, you idiot, you just gave it away!


Peter mumbled crossly in a last attempt to hide his actual sentiments

MAGLOR (as Peter): Why do I put up with this…nasty little brother, stupid Mary Sues…bloody Narnia can probably get on fine without me…

as he handpicked his finest costume, a crimson tunic with a golden lion on it

CHESTERFIELD: What, is Cair Paravel the new Aslan souvenir shop?!

and a pair of taupe trousers, both made out of the most precious and refined fabric one could find in Narnia.

CHESTERFIELD: Burlap?
BORIS: Centaur skin?
MAGLOR: Lion’s fur?


Edmund left the room, leaving Peter bewildered,

TUMNUS (as Peter): So…what was that chap’s name again?

alone with his everlasting amount of thoughts.

BORIS (singing, to the tune of “Spam”): Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts; thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts…

Peter unhurriedly changed from his everyday clothes into his specially selected costume;

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Okay, I’m pretty sure the trousers go on the legs, and the tunic goes on my head…no, my torso…how do you work a zipper?

he did this with great care and made certain that he looked impeccable,

BORIS (singing): I feel pretty, oh, so pretty; I feel pretty and witty and gay…

since he wanted to make an excellent impression.

MAGLOR (sarcastically): Oh, no need, Peter. I am sure everyone in Narnia recognizes your sheer godlike beauty and courage and humbleness and integrity.

The High King was pleased to see that Edmund had finally left the room

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): All right! Now I have time to read my Playboy collection!

and he decided to lie down for a while on an olive chaise longue of which there were two in the large emerald room.

BORIS: Yeah…whatever….
TUMNUS: Why didn’t she just say “one of the two olive chaise longues in the room”?
MAGLOR: And she said “emerald” again too.


He wanted to gaze at the cerulean ceiling and make yet another effort to count the infinite number of golden stars painted on it, as he had tried to do every time he had entered the room, since the first moment he had set a foot in it, almost three years ago.

*Dead silence*
MAGLOR (in amazement): This is just…sad.
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, not only does Peter apparently have no life, but that was ONE WHOLE SENTENCE.
TUMNUS: Not to mention that apparently the author thinks bright blue, bright green, and olive green are complimentary colors.


He had hoped to clear his mind of his galloping thoughts this way.

*all hum the “Light Cavalry Overture*

He failed, unfortunately.

BORIS (as Peter): Oh, shit, I can’t stop thinking! Get me some mind-numbing drugs, quick!

He knew he had told Edmund that he did not feel about Leonora in any other fashion than he would feel about any new and welcome friend.

CHESTERFIELD (helplessly): Girl with the lonely heart, is English even your first language?

In reality however, Peter was indeed very fond of Leonora

TUMNUS: She actually laughed at all his knock-knock jokes!

and when he had spoken with her for the first time, earlier that day, it had felt as if he had known her his entire life.

MAGLOR: Her voice reminded him of the voice of the nasty, smelly, lice-ridden girl next door.

Whenever she pronounced his name, he had felt a tingling sensation, running through his body,

*Boris slams his head on the back of his seat*
CHESTERFIELD: Peter, for Saruman’s sake; get out of puberty!


and he longed to be with her, every minute of his life,

BORIS (dreamily): Shoving an umbrella down her throat…

holding her protectively in his arms.

MAGLOR: Strangling her to death…

He had never thought this way about any girl before

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah, right!
TUMNUS: Has Peter been living his life under a ROCK?!


and for a moment; he had wondered if this experience could be that legendary love at first sight of which he had heard so many people speak.

BORIS: It’s called “physical attraction,” or a “crush,” Peter.

He shook his head as he got up from his comfortable chair

MAGLOR (as Peter): Well, I’d better get up; I don’t want to turn into the male version of Leonora…

and laughed because of his own ludicrous situation. He, Peter the Magnificent, High King of the shining land of Narnia,

TUMNUS: Lord of Too Many Useless Titles…
CHESTERFIELD: High Chieftain of Vomit-Inducing Conceit…
BORIS: Almighty Stu of Fanfiction…
MAGLOR: Grand Duke of Lovesickness and Stupidity…


was swept of his feet and left toothless by a young girl

TUMNUS: Wait. Toothless? TOOTHLESS?
CHESTERFIELD: Maybe Leonora punched him in the jaw, and the author’s just not telling us.


and there was absolutely nothing he could or wished to do about that.

BORIS: Well, you could go to a dentist and get some false teeth, you know.
MAGLOR (hopefully): You could always have Leonora beheaded for striking you.


And nonetheless, he was too frightened, too terrified even, of

CHESTERFIELD: Clowns!
BORIS: The dark!
MAGLOR: Mice!
TUMNUS: Bread mold!


his own loving emotions to admit it.

ALL (disappointed): Ohhhh…

Peter looked in the large golden mirror which he was standing in front of.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Mirror, mirror, on the wall; who’s the handsomest of them all…man, I love myself…

He sneered. What a brave king he indeed was.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Mirror, mirror, on the wall; who’s the bravest of them all?
MAGLOR (amazed): His conceit would put my father’s to shame.
*all exit the theater*

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(Wo)man on a Mission
Chapter five – “We are such stuff as dreams are made of”

CHESTERFIELD: In other words, “I’m putting in the only line of Shakespeare I
know, to make me look well-read and intelligent, even though I haven’t even
read or seen The Tempest and the line probably has nothing to do with
what happens in the chapter.”


The five children and the highly regarded guests

BORIS: I’M HUGE!

were seated around a large, wooden, circle shaped table,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, for the love of…who the fuck cares what shape the table is
or what it’s made of?!


on golden-brown, wooden chairs, which had red cushions on them.

MAGLOR: How exciting! Such excellent plot development! The chairs didn’t
just have cushions, but RED CUSHIONS.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, I know; it’s shocking, isn’t it?


They were flawlessly dressed in the most stunning tunics and gowns

TUMNUS: The chairs?!
BORIS: No…I think she meant the guests.


you have ever laid your eyes on, and were enjoying the copious and delicious
repast.

MAGLOR: The high-yielding and delicious repast?!

The royal kitchen personnel

*laughter*
BORIS: Hoo, boy…now I know why Jules hates political correctness so much.


had been cooking and baking the entire day to prepare a lovely feast meal.

CHESTERFIELD (grabbing an imaginary phone): Hello, hi, is this the
Department of Redundancies Department? I need your necessary help and aid.


On the table, you could find the most beautiful dishes.

BORIS (rolling his eyes): Is anything NOT beautiful in this castle?
TUMNUS: Why can’t we read about something ugly, for a change of pace…besides
the rooms?


Animals, which you only knew from fairytales and of which’s unreality and
fantasy you had thought to be convinced,

MAGLOR: What the…
BORIS: I think I’ll just read the “animals” part and ignore the rest of it.


were served with the most colourful and mouth-watering sorts of fruits and
vegetables.

TUMNUS: They were SERVED?! Argh, my Aslan; they’re eating fauns and centaurs
and unicorns and talking beasts! THEY’RE EATING THEM!!
*he breaks down sobbing*
CHESTERFIELD: Calm down, Tumnus; it’s okay. I’m SURE she didn’t mean that…


Each piece of food tasted like a tiny piece of heaven,

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Hmmm…delicious clouds and sunbeams…

melting on your tongue

BORIS: Yeah, because heaven melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

and the fruity wine was a sweet

BORIS (as wine, singing): Tip-toe through the tulips…
CHESTERFIELD (as wine): Watch me sing a campy Broadway show tune and start
tap-dancing!


as the nectar that the ancient Roman and Greek gods drank to quench their
thirst.

CHESTERFIELD: Mmmm; gold ol’ Sierra Mist.

Regrettably, not many of the invited guests had been able to be present at the
dinner.

TUMNUS: As soon as they’d heard that Leonora had recovered, they decided not
to come.


They had been only recently informed about Leonora’s miraculous mending,

TUMNUS: Case in point…
MAGLOR: “Er…we just remembered we have an appointment that night…”


since the banquet was organised on such a short notice. Nobody had ever
expected Leonora to wake up.

TUMNUS: “Well, after all, that was DEADLY grass she landed on when she
tripped over that tree root…”


They did, however, have the pleasurable presence

CHESTERFIELD: “Pleasurable presence”…you know, that could be a euphemism…

of King Oriander and Queen Dandelion of the Southern Woods,

MAGLOR: Oh, my word; those poor people…
BORIS: Boy, and I thought it was bad to be named after the Ballchinians; it’s
even worse to be named after a plant that cures indigestion.


who represented the dwarfs of Narnia.

CHESTERFIELD: Er, that’d be DWARVES.
TUMNUS: No, it IS dwarfs.
CHESTERFIELD: No, it’s not, it’s…never mind.


King Oriander was a rather plump and small gentleman with round, glowing
cheeks.

MAGLOR: Do not be fooled by his ridiculous name; he looked just like any
other Narnian dwarf.


He wore a light, ornamental body armour on top of his dark green tunic.

BORIS: “Hey, ya never know when somebody will burst in during dinner to
attack…”


The dwarf king had a long, grey beard and on his round, balding head, rested a
bronze crown.

*everyone yawns loudly*

He was an exceptionally witty and pleasant person,

TUMNUS: Well, it’s not as if I’m expecting the author to put any nasty,
boring people in her story…except Leonora…


who had a beautiful story-telling-voice.

CHESTERFIELD: He also had an awe-inspiring water-skiing voice, and a
wonderful piano-playing voice, and a whole lot of other different kinds of
voices that don’t really exist.


He loved to tell about his courageous adventures

MAGLOR (as Oriander): Say, did I ever tell you about the time I almost
bought the WRONG toothpaste?
CHESTERFIELD (irritably): “Only about twenty times this evening, Oriander.”


and everyone took pleasure in listening to him.

TUMNUS (sneer): Yes, because anything or anyone in this story being less
than perfect is UNTHINKABLE.


He had gone through a lot of antics during his three hundred
ninety-seven-year-old life.

BORIS: Whoa; 380 years of taboo sexual acts! Now THAT’S what I call a
ladies’ man!


Those adventures sounded even more audacious and dangerous, because

TUMNUS: He was 397, for Aslan’s sake!

he told them with so many details

TUMNUS: Oh.

and from time to time, he would add a new anecdote, to enhance the story.

CHESTERFIELD (as Oriander): And then…I found five dollars.
BORIS: Another inside joke from Jules?
CHESTERFIELD: Yep. Whoops.
*fourth wall rumbles*


Queen Dandelion, who was seated next to her other half and Edmund,

BORIS: Her other half? Either she’s been cut in two or she has a split
personality. Somehow I doubt it’s the former.


was also rather chubby and small.

MAGLOR: Oh, phew…see? Nothing wrong with these dwarves except their names.

She had long fair hair, despite her blessed age of three hundred fifty-nine
years,

MAGLOR (ominously): See, hobbits would describe such a condition as unnatural…better
check and see if she has the Ring of Power…


and wore a circlet made of daisies on her head.

*everyone makes annoying, exaggerated snoring sounds*

Her long, blue gown made her sapphire eyes twinkle even more than they usually
did.

BORIS (singing): Twinkle, twinkle little star…
TUMNUS: Argh! WHY is everything in Cair Paravel sparkly all of a sudden?!


She was an incredibly sweet woman.

CHESTERFIELD: She tasted like strawberry ice cream with chocolate sauce and
whipped cream!


She was someone, who was always concerned about your welfare

TUMNUS: “Okay, I’ve arranged a dentist appointment for you on Monday, and on
Tuesday, you’ll be off to the bank, and on Wednesday, you have a haircut
appointment…”


and took her time to listen to your problems and predicaments.

BORIS: The Narnian Dear Abby, everyone.

And as she looked at you, with her steady, but sparkling, eyes;

MAGLOR: Sparkle…dink…sparkle…dink…

you would always feel at home, wherever you were.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, bullshit. I’m reading about ‘em right now, and I sure as
hell don’t feel at home.
BORIS: Oh, I think you actually have to be there…if eyes CAN actually make
someone feel at home (snort).


She and her husband seemed like the perfect couple.

MAGLOR: Indeed; mutual chubbiness is obviously the perfect recipe for
romance.


They finished each other sentences

*Pause*
BORIS: Er…that wouldn’t be romantic; that’d just be annoying, sweetie.


and their long-lasting marriage had not let the adoring gazes fade away.

CHESTERFIELD: If looks could kill, they would both be dead many times over.

Although they respected each other deeply,

TUMNUS: Oriander always made Dandelion wash his laundry and cook for him
without a break, and Dandelion always complained that he left the toilet seat
up.


they had a liking for teasing each other rather often as well,

CHESTERFIELD: Ugh! When they’re over 300 YEARS OLD?!
MAGLOR: That’s actually not so old…
CHESTERFIELD: ‘Course it’s not, for you!


which led to a lot of humorous situations.

TUMNUS: Try DISGUSTING situations.
BORIS: Oh, yuck…short and balding and chubby…that’s almost as bad as
“Gimli/You”…


Princess Alegria, lady of the mountains,

TUMNUS: Had a father named King Largo and a mother named Queen Presto Maestoso.
CHESTERFIELD: I thought the Pevensies ruled over a united Narnia! How much
other royalty IS there?!
BORIS: Geez; these names get more preposterous as the story goes on!


who was seated next to Susan and Leonora,

TUMNUS: NOBODY CARES!!

had also found the time to attend the little dinner.

MAGLOR: “I heard that you were throwing a party for a girl with a name
almost as ridiculous as my own!”


The Princess wore a white gown, made of the everlasting snow from the peaks of
the towering mountains of Narnia.

CHESTERFIELD: Brrrr…that’s gonna cause her some serious frostbite.

She had long, golden locks with mauve flowers in it and the same hypnotizing
mauve eyes.

*Maglor clutches his forehead*
BORIS: Look, I don’t care WHAT she is; mauve eyes are just impossible!


Her glistening wings and pointed ears, made the fact that she was an elf,
impossible to hide.

MAGLOR: Excuse me? An ELF? That’s not an elf; that’s a pointy-eared,
half-butterfly monster Morgoth must have created.
TUMNUS: Since when are there elves in Narnia anyway?!


She had come to the castle countless times before, because she was about the
same age as Susan was.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, sure; because if she’d been at all older or younger, she
would have avoided Cair Paravel like the plague.


In human years that is, because the fair lady had already seen two hundred
seventy-three summers.

*all facefault*

The two girls took pleasure in spending time together

CHESTERFIELD (falsetto): Making memories that would last a LIFETIME!

and their close friendship had grown with every visit.

MAGLOR: You know, I wonder what these heart-to-heart conversations must have
been like.
TUMNUS: Oh, Aslan, if they talked the way they do in this fic, I don’t even
want to know.
CHESTERFIELD: “Tell me, my dear acquaintance Susan, where did you get this
lovely and splendiferous dress you are attired in today?”
TUMNUS: I SAID I don’t want to know!


Alegria was a remarkably spontaneous and kind someone.

BORIS: Okay, it’s official; she actually thinks “spontaneous” means “kind”.
CHESTERFIELD: She has a thesaurus, but apparently she can’t get her hands on a
dictionary.


Once she smiled her sparkling smile, you could not help yourself from smiling
as well.

BORIS: “Wow, look at those pearly whites!”

And the sound of her voice when she spoke a word or chanted a note,

ALL (monotone): Do, re, mi, fa, sol…!

reminded you of the sparkling sound of a clattering stream of water.

*Maglor makes crashing sounds*
CHESTERFIELD: It’s a tsunami!


Leonora was marvellously dressed in a long, powder blue dress,

ALL: NO! NOOOO!

on which the royal tailors had carefully embroidered a delicate flower patron
with white yarn.

*uproarious laughter*
TUMNUS: A “patron”? A flower “PATRON”?!


The gown was bejewelled with millions of minuscule rhinestones

MAGLOR: Pah…kings and queens of Narnia, and they can only afford rhinestones
for the jewels.
CHESTERFIELD: Cheapskates.


and because of that; it seemed to be made out of stardust.

BORIS: Ziggy Stardust?

On top of her long, dark brown hair, Leonora wore a fine tiara.

MAGLOR: And it was quite important to the plot.
CHESTERFIELD: WHAT plot?


The headdress consisted out of slender, silver leaves

TUMNUS: Eh, first sign that the chapter’s over and I’m consisting out of
this THEATER.


and little, blossom shaped aquamarines. She looked enchanting. She looked like
a queen.

CHESTERFIELD (disgustedly): She looked like a Disney princess.

Peter could not help but observe this.

TUMNUS (as Peter): I say, Leonora, do you have a job as a mascot at Disney
World?


He had not tasted one of the delectable raspberries on his plate,

BORIS (as Peter): Hey! I said I wanted ORGANIC raspberries, you lazy bum of
a cook!


nor had he even touched one slice of the appetizingly grilled meat.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): I TOLD you not to cook grilled centaur! Great; now
we’ll have a huge centaur rebellion on our hands!


He was fonder of staring at Leonora, than he was of eating.

MAGLOR (scowl): Brave, mature king, and he still ogles girls like a
twelve-year-old.
TUMNUS (disgustedly): This is NOT Peter…believe me, I got along well with King
Peter, and this isn’t him.


Susan slightly kicked his shins to remind him that such behaviour was not
appropriate for a king.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Ouch! Oh…heh, heh…
TUMNUS (cringe): Oh, the OOCness…


Her gorgeous, silk green dress made her mesmerizing,

BORIS: WHAT? Now he’s going to start ogling his SISTER?!
MAGLOR: Oh, spare us!


emerald green eyes make an everlasting impact on

CHESTERFIELD: Your health.
TUMNUS: English society.
BORIS: The effects of global warming.


every person that was present on that lovely evening. Peter also saw the anger
in his sister’s eyes

MAGLOR (as Susan): Stop staring at me! Can’t you at least TRY to control
yourself?!


and tried to keep himself from staring at Leonora too noticeably. But Leonora
had a hard time keeping her eyes of the charismatic king as well.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, duh! ‘Cause he was charismatic!
MAGLOR: Somehow I don’t think that’s the word she meant to use.


And every now and then, their admiring gazes would meet.

TUMNUS (as Admiring Gaze #1): Oh, I’m sorry! We just keep on literally
running into each other, don’t we?
BORIS (as Admiring Gaze #2): Oh, that’s all right. Say, as long as we’re here
now, would you like to come have a drink with me?


Peter thought it better to distract himself from Leonora;

CHESTERFIELD: Just have her executed for disturbing the peace, Peter!

therefore he started a conversation about Aslan.

BORIS (as Aslan): All right, that’s it! First I’m a merchandising symbol,
and now I’m just a distraction from Mary Sue…you are on thin ice, Peter, thin
ice!


The High King had mentioned him earlier in his tales about the glorious land of
Narnia,

MAGLOR (as Peter): He helped all-powerful ME defeat the White Witch!

but he had never talked about him in detail,

CHESTERFIELD: Eh, it doesn’t matter; he’s not that important.

as he had been silent about so many more things. “Aslan is the true king and
leader of Narnia.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): So, you’re not, like, the true king of Narnia,
Petie-poo?!
BORIS (sickened): Petie-poo?


When we were at war with the Witch, He was the one who had appeared, to save us
from despair and defeat”, Peter told her.

TUMNUS: Oh, thank you for finally giving him credit.
CHESTERFIELD: Who wants to bet that Aslan appeared in the author’s dreams to
correct her?


“His name sounds like a walk in a fresh meadow, on a bright spring morning”,
Leonora said, surprised by her own words.

MAGLOR: No, actually it sounds more like a walk in a fresh meadow on a dull
winter afternoon.
BORIS: Personally, I think it sounds more like a walk in a desert on a bright
spring morning.


Peter smiled. He had just remembered how he had felt when he had first heard
about Aslan.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): This is getting more and more confusing…why didn’t
I go back through the wardrobe when I had the chance?


He had sensed like he was the most valiant man who had ever set foot in Narnia.

TUMNUS (sarcastically): Oh, aren’t you modest, Peter!

Aslan had given him the bravery to lead an army into battle.

ALL: THANK YOU!

”He has plans with you, as He has with all of us.

BORIS: What plans could Aslan POSSIBLY have for Leonora?
MAGLOR: Teaching her how to exercise?
CHESTERFIELD (hopefully): Killing her very slowly and painfully?


I can declare, without any uncertainty in my heart, that He shall expound them
in the near future.

CHESTERFIELD: For Saruman’s sake, are you in love with the thesaurus?! STOP
USING THESE RIDICULOUS WORDS!!


However, we cannot force Him in His actions. After all, He is not a tame lion”,
Peter continued.

BORIS: Yeah, now tell that to the author.

“A lion? Did my ears hear well?

MAGLOR: No, you’re losing your hearing and will be completely deaf in two
days.


The true king of Narnia is a lion?” Leonora asked incredulous,

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Look, I just said he wasn’t a tame lion; I didn’t
say he WAS a lion…sheesh.


convinced that she had misapprehended him.

BORIS: Yeah, you did…wait…misapprehended?

“Indeed, He is a lion. I am aware of the fact that it appears to be out of the
ordinary.

MAGLOR (deadpan): And the stupidest, most obvious understatement of the year
is…


I still bear in my mind how I had felt when I first discovered this most
anomalous piece of reality.

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, you’re MOM’S an anomalous piece of reality, Peter.

But He is good. He would never bring harm to anyone of sincere heart”, Susan
intervened.

TUMNUS: “So you’d better be careful, Leonora.”

“Everything Aslan does, has a reason, my sweet Leonora.

TUMNUS (panicked): He COULDN’T have had anything to do with this! He just
COULDN’T!
BORIS: Oh, Aslan, eat the girl with the lonely heart; she’s slandering you!


And each person He calls, has a purpose of the essence.

MAGLOR: The only essence Leonora will ever have a purpose for is Herbal
Essences. CHESTERFIELD: Huh?!


This has always been the fashion by which He has acted”, Peter said.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, and I suppose YOU’RE the expert on everything Aslan does,
Peter, even though you don’t know him nearly as well as Lucy does?
TUMNUS: Slap him, Lucy!


He had seen the disbelieving look in Leonora’s chocolate brown eyes.

CHESTERFIELD (drooling): Mmmm…think the PPC can bring up this Sue for my
next few meals, after we’re done?
MAGLOR: Leave man flesh out of this. Please?


He had recognized that look.

BORIS (as Peter): Oh, no; it’s the look my ex-girlfriend had in her eyes,
right before she called me a stuck-up, know-it-all git and punched me!


He knew precisely how she felt. He and his siblings had felt the exact same
way, three years ago.

CHESTERFIELD (as Edmund): Peter, you’re a stuck-up, know-it-all-git!
BORIS (as Peter): Susan, you’re a stuck-up, know-it-all git!
MAGLOR (as Susan): Edmund, you’re a stuck-up, know-it-all git!
TUMNUS (as Lucy): Oh, stop fighting! We’re ALL stuck-up, know-it-all gits!


They had questioned Aslan’s knowledge, convinced that He had called the wrong
persons.

CHESTERFIELD (disgustedly): No kidding.
MAGLOR: Next time, Aslan, could you call some more coherent and LESS ANNOYING
people to Narnia?
TUMNUS (angrily): The real Pevensies were NEVER this annoying!


He and his siblings had doubt the fact that they were the ones who would save
and later on rule Narnia.

CHESTERFIELD: You know, Aslan seems a lot like Gamera, in that he calls on
irritating, whiny, short-shorts-wearing kids, who can’t even speak good
English, to help him save the world.
TUMNUS (seething): THAT’S NOT TRUE!! EVERYTHING IN THIS STORY IS A LIE!!!


But Peter trusted that Aslan had called the most perfect human being he could
find.

MAGLOR: If Peter gloats about his perfection one more time…
BORIS (singing): Oh, Lord, it’s hard to be humble…when you’re perfect in every
way…


He knew that Leonora was there for a very important purpose.

TUMNUS: To destroy our land, obviously!
BORIS: Eh, Tash probably called Leonora into Narnia.


Leonora pondered about what Peter had told her.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Duh, huh, lion…tame…what…um…what’d he say?

She had no idea at all,

MAGLOR: Of course not! She never did!

about what Aslan could possibly desire from her.

MAGLOR: Oh.

However boundless her imagination appeared to be,

TUMNUS: She really didn’t have one; she was simply too stupid.

it did not reach far enough to think of any reason for her presence in Narnia,
let alone a sane reason.

BORIS (rolling his eyes): Well, it’s obvious the author doesn’t know either.
CHESTERFIELD (snort): It’s obvious! She’s there to shag Peter!


“Has the thought of another battle drawing near, entered thy mind?

MAGLOR: What…no! Now she’s throwing in “thee” and “thou” for no reason!
BORIS: Oh, for the love of everything good and coherent!


Are you of believe that that is the very reason why Aslan has called for her?”

CHESTERFIELD: No, he’s not “of believe,” for Saruman’s sake; that phrase
doesn’t even fuckin’ exist!


Edmund asked his elder brother with fright in his voice.

TUMNUS: “Is it going to make my grammar even worse?”

He, as well, had thought of the previous war, as his elder brother had done,

BORIS (chipper falsetto): Great minds think alike!
MAGLOR: Only in this case, you might want to say not-so-great minds.


and it worried him that his precious land would have to endure another horrible
battle, yet again.

TUMNUS (as Edmund): Oh, no; the new tyrant might offer me Turkish Delight,
and then that’s it for me!


“Honestly, my brother?

CHESTERFIELD: “You’re still a bloody nuisance, and I want you to shut up
right now!”


That frightening idea has undeniably tormented my thoughts.

ALL (disappointed): Oh.

I am of opinion that we ought not to lose any precious hours of sleep on that
prospect so far.

TUMNUS (disgustedly): Oh, yes, the Calormenes would be overjoyed at THAT
idea, wouldn’t they?


But if that is indeed the reason why Leonora is in our midst,

MAGLOR: “Kill her.”

the entire kingdom should be prepared for it.”

BORIS: Entire…? Peter, for crying out loud, YOU’RE the one who decided to
take a complete stranger back to Cair Paravel without knowing anything about
her!
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, don’t diss Peter, Boris; he’s too all-powerful and
magnificent to make such stupid mistakes.


“Dear Leonora,

BORIS (Alfalfa): “I hate your stinkin’ guts…”

do you possess any knowledge about exploiting a sword or shooting with a bow
and arrows?

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Of course, silly! I’m a NATURAL at it!
CHESTERFIELD: Well, at least the canon-rape shouldn’t be as horrible as…
TUMNUS (groan): Says you!


I am certain that my siblings and I would be pleased to enlighten you with this
art, if you desire it”,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, great; she’s gonna prove that she can beat all of them in
weaponry, isn’t she?
BORIS (scowl): Well, what did you expect?


Lucy asked her excitedly. Her rosy cheeks and azure eyes

TUMNUS: All right; how many adjectives has she used to describe Lucy’s eyes?
MAGLOR: I lost count.
CHESTERFIELD: Twelve?


were brilliantly elicited by the rose-tinted colour of her charming velvet
dress.

*Maglor and Tumnus groan*
BORIS (Briony Tallis): “This is the tale of spontaneous Arabella, who ran off
with an extrinsic fellow…”


“No, I was not given the chance to learn how to fight with weaponry,

CHESTERFIELD: “I’d fainted when a butterfly landed on my wrist.”

for the reason that, where I live, we have had the providence of

BORIS: Rhode Island?

not having to bear the dreadful chaos, terrifying threat and immoral lunacy

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, so she’s describing badly-written NC-17-rated fanfiction.

of a war, for about thirty years”, Leonora answered, “But I am prepared to
become skilled at it, if that is thy wish.”

MAGLOR: YOUR wish!
TUMNUS (as Leonora): It’ll be EASY for me to become skilled at it; the fact
that I’ve never learned it doesn’t matter!


“Do you imply that the warfare has finally ended?

BORIS (as Leonora): I just SAID that, for cryin’ out loud! Do I HAVE to
repeat the whole boring sentence?!


Would you be so gracious to tell me which land has prevailed in the horrible
war of 1940?” Peter asked.

CHESTERFIELD: Geez; if everybody in England talked like this in the 1940s,
no wonder the Germans wanted to blow the country to bits!


He was eager to know what had happened while he had spent a wonderful part of
his childhood in Narnia.

BORIS: And apparently he’s just IGNORING the fact that Leonora is from a
different time on earth than he’s from.
MAGLOR: Nice how it was so easy to break the ice, isn’t it?


He had not realised until now, that his loved one had lived in another period
of time than he had.

BORIS (aghast): My Sauron, I’m good…
TUMNUS: He’s still unreasonably calm about it.


”If it is the Second World War you refer to,

BORIS (as Peter): No, I was referring to another war of 1940, in which the
flying elves fought against the marshmallows…YES, I was referring to the Second
World War!!


which I presume it is, my dear king,

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Believe me, I’m not as stupid as you think!

then the Nazism was defeated.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Well, you could have just SAID that, instead of
beating around the bush!
BORIS (wince): Somehow the fact that Leonora’s from modern-day Earth and not
1940s or Middle-Earth Earth makes her awful, overdone medieval dialect even
worse.


However, I do not think that one can truly be the victor of a war.

TUMNUS: Oh, and what would you call Aslan, then, after the defeat of the
White Witch? A sore loser?


Whether one is victorious or whether one suffers defeat, both ways, one loses
people dear to one, families are tore apart, left in despair and blossoming
societies are destructed for no worthy cause ”, she answered.

*Silence*
BORIS: Not gonna lie; I have no idea what the HELL you just said.
CHESTERFIELD: Sounds like girl with the lonely heart’s been earning straight
A’s in history class…
TUMNUS: Much to the detriment of all her English classes.


The four siblings remembered their father who had fought in the war

TUMNUS: Oh, well, it’s about time you did, instead of FAWNING OVER LEONORA
ALL THE TIME!


and their mother who had sent them away, to make certain that they would not
get caught up in a war.

MAGLOR (as Lucy): Wait…we had a mother?

They hoped that both their parents had survived the warfare and that they were
together, safe and sound.

*Silence*
CHESTERFIELD (shaking his head): I think we’ve just read the worst, most
offhanded way of dealing with background conflict in fanfiction. “Oh, well,
hope things are going okay over there; everything’s just hunky-dory right
here.”
MAGLOR (shocked): It makes them seem like selfish, heartless little brats.


During the rest of the evening, they talked about more light-hearted affairs;

BORIS: Oh, that’s nice… “Hmmm, wonder how Mum and Dad are doing…well, let’s
talk about the weather instead.”


after all, it was a feast.

CHESTERFIELD: Er…evidently, girl with the lonely heart has never heard of
Yom Kippur.


After dinner, they were in the mood for some piano music.

TUMNUS (irritably): Oh, right; there’s still a war going on back in your
world, your parents could be dead or dying, but that’s all right; you just PLAY
THE PIANO!


Susan had been taught how to play the piano by a musical faun

BORIS (ad): “Musical Faun”: the most popular, most annoying toy to hit the
market since the Tickle-Me Elmo!


and whenever a get-together or a feast took place at the castle,

MAGLOR: Susan always had to take the batteries out of the “Musical Faun,” in
case Edmund, in a fit of mischief, would turn it on in the middle of dinner.


the guests pleaded her to play some of her wondrous music.

ALL: “Please, please, PLEASE play the piano for us, Susan! We shall die if
you do not! PLEASE?!”


Princess Alegria was so kind to chant along with Susan’s notes.

ALL (as Princess Alegria): Na, na, na-na, na! You can’t catch me!

The gracious melody of Susan’s brilliant music

BORIS (Mike Nelson): “Everybody…was…kung-fu…fighting…”

and the mysterious sound of Algeria’s crystal clear voice

CHESTERFIELD: “WHERE is that voice coming from? Alegria! You never told us
you were a ventriloquist!”


mingled perfectly. Their harmonious music filled the ballroom and their
listening ears with enchantment.

BORIS: This is so much like an old Disney movie it’s scary.
TUMNUS: You know, I can almost hear the badly-recorded choir singing “Once upon
a Dream.”


After a wonderful evening, full of joyous laughter, delicious food, refreshing
drinks and

CHESTERFIELD: Free parking tickets?
MAGLOR: Excellent pipeweed?


melodious music, the few guests left with a great deal of cheerful goodbyes

MAGLOR: “See you later, alligator!”
BORIS: “Arrivederci!”
CHESTERFIELD: “See ya in St. Louis, screwy!”
TUMNUS: “Adieu, adieu, to you, and you, and you!”


and convivial promises about invitations for other banquets.

TUMNUS: “Yes, well, if you come to attend my next banquet, would you mind
leaving Leonora behind?”


The siblings and Leonora stayed a bit longer in the grand ballroom to talk

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Well, since it’s the servants’ night off, who’s
going to clean up? Leonora, since you’re the guest here, I’m afraid it’s up to
you.


and therefore, it was already awfully late in the evening, when they departed
to their sleeping quarters.

MAGLOR: “What?! It’s nine o’ clock already?! Our bedtime is at seven!”

Only Leonora did not feel like sleeping yet.

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Slave labor before bedtime keeps me awake…

She had undergone a good deal of startling surprises that day

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): I don’t think I’ll EVER get used to that trick
where the rubber snake pops out of the peanut can!


and she needed some time alone, to clear her mind of thoughts.

BORIS (as Leonora): I won’t be comfortable again until my mind is nice and
empty!


“Are you coming, dear Leonora?” Susan asked, yawning and already half asleep.

TUMNUS (sympathetically): Oh, Susan, have you been forced to read “A Story
so Much Older than the Sea” as well?


“Yes, I shall join you at once, my sweet Susan.

MAGLOR: “Sweet Susan”? Isn’t that the name of a candy bar, like “Baby Ruth”?
CHESTERFIELD: If it’s not, it sounds like it should be.


But you do not have to delay thy departure”, she answered.

ALL (exasperated): YOUR departure!

Susan nodded; she was too tired to even utter a single word.

TUMNUS (sigh): Thank Aslan for that.
BORIS: Yeah, considering how they’re talking…


She stood up from her seat and carried Lucy, who had already sunk into a deep
sleep, to her bedroom.

CHESTERFIELD (as Susan): Oh, great…I have to remember to keep Lucy away from
boring fanfiction at all costs…


Leonora fancied a calming promenade in the castle.

BORIS (square dance caller): Then you promenade across the floor, then
do-si-do right out the door!


At this tardy hour,

CHESTERFIELD (as hour): My dog ate my homework, and I missed the bus!

she believed it to be nearly unachievable to meet any more persons in the
gargantuan palace.

BORIS (Briony Tallis): “It grieved her parents to see their firstborn
evanesce from her home to go to Eastbourne…”
*the others are staring at the screen with their eyes glazed*


Leonora had strolled around for a while, alone with her thoughts

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Ah, I love being intensely stupid…

and with no sounds but the hollow echo of her bare feet walking on the marble,

CHESTERFIELD (deep voice): Fee, fie, foe, fum…

the luxurious stroking of her long dress against her legs,

MAGLOR (gag): Stroking…legs…how disgusting, as we’re talking about a Mary
Sue.


the reassuring resonance of her exhaling breath

TUMNUS: Musical breath? Now THAT is exceedingly strange.
*Chesterfield imitates an opera singer*


and the peaceful beating of her tranquil heart, when she arrived at an elegant,
open doorway, which led to a balcony.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Oh, what a perfect opportunity to commit suicide and
leave my sad, sorry life!


She was stunned, because there on that beautiful balcony, stood the High King,
in the dreamy light of the full moon.

ALL (singing): Fair moon, to thee I sing, bright regent of the heavens…

He was staring in the distance, staring at his magnificent kingdom.

BORIS (as Peter): I wonder if there’s ANYONE in all of Narnia who’s as
perfect as I am…don’t think so…


He had not noticed her, for the reason that he himself was lost in an endless
world of thoughts as well.

ALL (as Peter): “Come to my dimension; it’s fun over here!”

She sauntered to the balustrade and chose a place near to him.

MAGLOR (shaking his head): Naughty Leonora…
BORIS: Geez, Leonora; don’t throw yourself at Peter!


The panorama was absolutely breathtaking.

CHESTERFIELD (real estate broker): And this wonderful old slate roof needs
no maintenance at all, and this house is near excellent schools…now buy Cair
Paravel, damn it!


Narnia had proved once again, to be magical. In her mind, Leonora searched for
words to describe it.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): It’s, like, totally awesome!

Enchanting, magnificent, sparkling, glorious, outstanding, impressive,
wonderful, enthralling, stupendous, marvellous, glistening, gorgeous,
spectacular, fantastic, striking, dazzling, lustrous, shimmering, miraculous,
phenomenal ;…

TUMNUS (in shock): My Aslan, girl with the lonely heart; don’t copy the
entire thesaurus!
MAGLOR: She used up three lines!


These words did not even come in the vicinity of expressing the emotion,

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, well could that be because THEY DON’T DESCRIBE EMOTIONS?


that she had felt when she had laid her eyes on the scenery in front of her.

BORIS: You know, Leonora, a great view doesn’t necessarily mean magic. Just
get a life, would you?


Immense, soaring mountains,

*everyone yodels loudly*

emerald green forests and jade meadows of grass with the most gorgeous flowers
and gigantic trees in them

BORIS: Hey, now you just described Willy Wonka’s chocolate room!
CHESTERFIELD: Either that or the place where the Teletubbies live!


and a deep, blue sea filled the horizon.

MAGLOR (whistle): Quite a lot, for only one panoramic view.

Regardless of the late hour, the temperature was still very mild.

CHESTERFIELD: Eh, stupid global warming…

Leonora cherished the warm breeze that caressed her fair face.

BORIS (as Leonora): Ooh, that feels good…turn up that hairdryer, will ya,
Peter?


Peter looked up and seemed to have awoken from his deep thoughts.

MAGLOR (as Peter): Ugh…where am I? How much did I drink last night?

He granted her a dazzling smile, which she answered with a shy one.

CHESTERFIELD (sigh): Ready, Boris?
BORIS (sigh): He granted her a dazzling blush, which she answered with a shy
one. He granted her a dazzling belch, which she answered with a shy one…oh, I
give up…STOP RANDOMLY SMILING!!!


“How has thy first day in Narnia been, milady?

ALL (Gau): THOU, THOU, THOU!!!

Did my brother and sisters grant you the warm welcome you are more than worthy
of?”

BORIS: “Did they throw clods of dirt at you and stuff your head down the
toilet, milady?”


He asked sympathetically. Leonora nodded with a huge smile around her lips

MAGLOR: Wait…AROUND her lips? Not on them?!
CHESTERFIELD: Must’ve been clumsy with the lipstick.


as she looked back on her dynamic day.

BORIS: She slept, she got up and talked, and she dressed up and talked some
more…dynamic, wasn’t it?
CHESTERFIELD: Yep, yep.


“Certainly, my good sir, they have made my stay here like a fantastic reverie.

TUMNUS: “Like the kind I have after I smoke my cocaine…ooh, pretty colors…”

I am already lucky enough, to name Lucy and Susan my friends

MAGLOR (rolling his eyes): Her friends after barely ten hours of speaking to
them.


and, although I did not yet have the pleasure to speak with him to a great
extent, Edmund has been really forthcoming and friendly towards me.

BORIS (as Peter): Yeah, well, just talk with him some more and you won’t
think so. Once he gets to know you a bit, he’ll go back to his normal, immature
old self.


You, my sweet sovereign, have acted, without a doubt in my mind and no end of
gratefulness in my heart, the same way.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, SARUMAN, she’s dull and wordy!
TUMNUS: Just SAY it, Leonora!
BORIS (cringe): She’s like the boring old guy in “Cave Dwellers”!


And how could I not be in love with Narnia?

MAGLOR: Because you just woke up there a few HOURS ago, you idiot!

I worship every stick and stone.

BORIS: Uh, that’s blatant paganism, Leonora; C.S. Lewis and Aslan wouldn’t
be too happy…


With every breath I take, I taste the magic suspended in the air

TUMNUS (indignantly): The air in Narnia is NOT thick enough to taste!
CHESTERFIELD: Whoa, and Jules said the smog in New York is bad!


and everywhere I look, I discover another beautiful part of this amazing place!

MAGLOR: “Like this wonderful dead silverfish I just noticed on the wall!”

I like this place

BORIS & CHESTERFIELD: NO FRICKIN’ SHIT?!

and willingly could waste my time in it”, she said enthusiastically.

*laughter*
TUMNUS (as Leonora): It will be a change of pace to waste my time here instead
of wasting my time back on Earth as usual!


Once again, Peter thought about his first impressions of Narnia.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Lots and lots of trees and snow. Great.

He had felt the same way, thinking he was blessed that he had been given the
opportunity to be there,

TUMNUS: He was NOT! He felt guilty about not believing Lucy! He felt
threatened by the danger there and worried about surviving in the snow! HE DID
NOT FEEL BLESSED AT FIRST!!!
BORIS: Whoa; cool it…


believing his life to be a sweet dream.

MAGLOR: Ah, yes; don’t we all have wonderful dreams about being stuck in a
snowy forest without food, water, or proper clothing?


But his happiness had lasted less long, for the reason that

TUMNUS (exasperated): He was stuck without food, water, or proper clothing
in a snowy forest, for crying out loud!


he was soon informed about the dreadful events in Narnia. “It pleases me to see
that you are in high spirits here, milady.

MAGLOR: Eh, probably no higher spirits than she was in back home.

And yes, Edmund is indeed an extraordinarily friendly person.

BORIS: “So if he starts humping your leg one day, don’t be too surprised.”

He has not always been like this, though. He used to be quite a nuisance,
really”,

CHESTERFIELD: “Well, actually, he still is, but…”

Peter said in an informal and conspiring manner.

TUMNUS (as Peter, whispering): Edmund is still really annoying; pass it on…

Leonora laughed, she could barely imagine Edmund being a nuisance.

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Hee, hee, hee; “Family Circus” was just HYSTERICAL
today!


“It is the truth I speak.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Look, Peter, I’m not disagreeing with you…

When we had walked out of that wardrobe and entered this radiant land,

BORIS (as Peter): He had to wear a GIRLS’ coat! Duh-huh-huh-heh!

he has betrayed us by joining the White Witch.

MAGLOR: Betrayed them by changing verb tenses.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, brother…


But his reliance lied with us.

*everyone groans*

Aslan forgave him his actions, as did we, for he was still our brother.

BORIS: “I rather think we should have given him up for adoption, but that’s
just me.”


He was nearly killed in battle, Leonora; my little brother was almost
slaughtered,

TUMNUS (as Leonora): All right; you said that already!

because he was trying to save my life.

MAGLOR: “And all because he WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME! Annoying, inconsiderate
little beast…”


I would never forgive myself, if anything would happen to him;

CHESTERFIELD (sigh): Okay, it seems like the feud between Peter and Edmund
is over by now.
TUMNUS: It’s almost a shame, as it would have actually given this story a PLOT.


to anyone who is close to my heart”,

BORIS: Osmosis Jones?

Peter said while his eyes filled with sincere tears.

MAGLOR (as Peter): And now his sacrifice was for nothing, as our
personalities are being mangled beyond all recognition by this new evil
standing next to me… (sniffle)


He tried to wipe them away, since he did not want Leonora to see him shedding
any tears.

BORIS (singing): Big boys don’t cry…

Peter was used to stay strong, stand up straight, for his siblings’ sake.

CHESTERFIELD: Wow; the Pevensies are the new “Posture Pals”!

He was the eldest brother, the leader, the High King.

TUMNUS: WE KNOW!! YOU TOLD US IN THE THIRD CHAPTER!!!

Now he had the opportunity to say what was distressing him; but it still felt
bizarre.

BORIS (as Peter): Somehow, I don’t feel masculine anymore…hmmm…

He immediately regretted that he had burdened Leonora with his, in his eyes,
insignificant troubles.

MAGLOR (sadly): Yes, the fact that he felt guilty about treating his brother
too harshly was not nearly as significant as the fact that his
otherwise-perfect hair wouldn’t lie flat.


It was then that Leonora understood that the High King would do anything to
save his siblings from harm.

TUMNUS: Wait…she understood he would save…when he told her that he DIDN’T?
CHESTERFIELD: Forget it; there’s just not a single bit of logic in this story.


He loved them and cared for them; they had a special place in his good heart.

BORIS (deadpan): Chicken soup for the Narnian soul.
*Tumnus gags*


She realised that the High king was someone with a sincere and loving heart.

MAGLOR: Is it too early to feel like vomiting?
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, pretty much, but have that barf bag ready, just in case.


She embraced him, to comfort him

BORIS (as Peter): Hey, no touchy!

and caressed his fair hear

ALL: Hear, hear!

as she felt his warm tears dripping on her shoulder.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Ew; stop crying on my dress!

She hardly knew the man and did not know why she had decided to hold him close,

CHESTERFIELD: Man? What man? There’s a man in the scene as well?
BORIS: She’s somehow holding TWO guys close to her?
MAGLOR: Funny; I thought the only other person in this scene was a
seventeen-year-old BOY.


but when she had laid her head on Peter’s chest,

TUMNUS (as Peter): Ah! Get off me, you pushy little freak!

her heart had told her that she had done the right thing.

*everyone retches loudly*
BORIS: Dude, that’s not even anatomically possible!


They stayed in each others arms for what seemed to be a whole century.

MAGLOR (as Peter, checking a watch): Oh, well, three minutes, actually.

It was as if time itself stood still, merely for them.

CHESTERFIELD (as random courtiers): Peter! What are you doing out there?!
There’s a long line of Narnians waiting for an audience with you!
BORIS (as random courtiers): Peter, Prince Rabadash says he’s going to
slaughter everyone in the castle if he doesn’t see you in a minute; would you
get in here now?!


As if all others on that wonderful green earth, in Narnia and in the real
world, had disappeared.

TUMNUS: Excuse me? Narnia IS a real world! Or it was…
CHESTERFIELD (as Aslan): Aw, Peter’s hopeless…well, I’ll just leave him there;
hopefully he’ll come through the stable door when he realizes the sea is
covering Narnia…


The comforting sound of Peter’s heartbeat made Leonora quieten down

MAGLOR: But…she wasn’t even talking or being loud!

and the sweet smell in the air

BORIS: “Oh, bloody hell; it’s the potato blight!”

made everything give the impression of being a bit dreamlike and perhaps even
unreal.

TUMNUS (grabbing an imaginary phone): Hello, good-day, Department of
Redundancies Department?


“I am afeard, being in night, all this but a dream, too flattering-sweet to be
substantial”, Peter whispered

*everyone throws up*
MAGLOR (wiping his mouth): Just what I needed to upset my stomach…
CHESTERFIELD: Mangled, misused Shakespeare will do that…


with a soft voice, breaking the soothing silence. Leonora looked up; gazed in
those captivating eyes.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Ooh…I feel funny and…sort of sleeeeeeepy…

“I thank you and your eloquence, Peter, for making this moment even more
precious”, she whispered.

BORIS: You know, this really WOULD resemble Shakespeare…if Shakespeare had
smoked pot and hit himself in the head twenty times with a sledgehammer!


They were caught in each others eyes, mesmerized as their lips drew nearer.

MAGLOR (cringe): Oh, the sheer horror…
TUMNUS (groan): Oh, the cheese…
BORIS (shudder): I can feel my masculinity eroding away by the minute…


Suddenly the oasis of silence was once more disturbed by an unexpected sound.

CHESTERFIELD: As a tremendously loud fart split the air.

Surprised by the harsh noise of shoes, tapping on the marble floor,

MAGLOR: “Leonora, young lady, get back in the house this instant!”
BORIS (as Leonora): But, daddy, I…


they broke apart. It was Susan who had come seeking for Leonora.

TUMNUS (as Susan): Argh! I NEVER wanted to watch my brother snogging! Yuck!

She was worried that Leonora could not find her way back to her room on her own

*Pause, then laughter*

and, although she was exhausted, Susan had found it her responsibility, as a
thoughtful hostess and as a caring friend, to make sure that Leonora was all
right.

BORIS: Yeah; she might trip on a rug and fall into another coma.

“Oh, there you are, my Leonora.

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Hey, stop calling me that! I don’t belong to you!

Forgive me my disturbance and inflated concern.

*everyone makes noises like balloons blowing up*

I came to seek you, for I did not know whether you were able to find thy
sleeping quarter unaccompanied.

MAGLOR: ARGH! YOU IDIOT! IF YOU DON’T KNOW OLD ENGLISH, THEN DON’T USE IT!!!
BORIS: Whoa, there; I didn’t even think it was possible for a High Elf to throw
a tantrum like that.
*Maglor is seething*


However, I was not aware of the fact that my beloved brother was with you.

TUMNUS: “And I wish I’d STAYED unaware of that fact!”

Be that as it may, the hour is rather late. Shall I join you to thy room?”
Susan asked,

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Sure! I’ll bring the duct tape and the
thumbtacks!


trying to keep herself from yawning.

BORIS (as Susan): Boy, who would have thought being queen of a magical
country in an alternate universe would be so…BORING?


She had not seen their embrace and was wondering what her elder brother and
Leonora were doing on the balcony at this tardy hour.

TUMNUS: Well, thank Aslan for Susan that she doesn’t have an active
imagination.
CHESTERFIELD (as hour): I’m late today ‘cause my little brother reset my alarm
clock this morning!


However, she had the courtesy of not posing a too great amount of private
questions that late in the evening.

*everyone stares at the sentence and twitches violently*

“You deserve all my gratefulness and requests for forgiveness, dear queen.

ALL: “BUT YOU’RE NOT GETTING THEM!!”

I am truly grateful. It was not my intention to cause you any worry. Indeed, it
is fairly late. I shall join you.

BORIS: “Romeo and Juliet: The Robotic, Wooden, Outrageously Dull Version,”
by the girl with the lonely heart.


Good night, my dear High King. I hope thy dreams may be sweet”, Leonora said

MAGLOR (as Peter): Oh, they WILL be… (roguish wink)
TUMNUS (retch): I did NOT want those images in my head…


and she reluctantly followed Susan to her sleeping quarter.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): I wonder if there’s a garden here, with books to
read and plenty of nice soft grass to fall on and faint…


“Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good
night till it be morrow",

BORIS (in shock): GEEZ! It’s like I’m reading this girl’s mind!
TUMNUS: And we STILL haven’t found out what the quote at the beginning has to
do with this chapter.


Peter answered Leonora’s goodbye with a smile on his face

MAGLOR (as Peter): Phew…thank God she’s gone!

as he watched her follow his sister to her room.

BORIS (as Peter): Now, where was I, before I was so rudely interrupted?
Hmmm…oh, yes; how perfect I am.


He decided to walk to his bedroom and try to get some sleep as well.

CHESTERFIELD (deadpan): And his decision rocked the world to its core.

He absent-mindedly closed the double door, which led to the balcony,

TUMNUS (as Peter): Ouch, oh! My finger…ohhhhh…caught…

while he daydreamed about holding Leonora in his arms.

*everyone vomits again*
BORIS (moaning): How much longer IS this?


The thought of her serious conversation and tender embrace with Peter on the balcony
that night,

MAGLOR: Was most nauseating.

flew around in Leonora’s head.

BORIS (singing): Leonora’s thought fliiieeees…and so does my heaaaaarrt…

She did not manage to think of anything else, even if she would have wanted to.

*all facefault*

After the two girls had arrived at Leonora’s room and she had wished Susan a
good night sleep,

CHESTERFIELD (as Susan): Okay, but are you sure you can walk around your
room without falling? We don’t want any more accidents.


she had slowly put on her pink, silk sleeping gown and had climbed in her
comfortable four-poster-bed.

BORIS (ad): It’s the all-new Barbie Dream House: the Narnian model!
TUMNUS: Pink silk? Four-poster-bed? Now this has turned into the fantasy of a
six-year-old girl?


That night she slept like a rose

MAGLOR: Er, roses don’t sleep, dear.

and dreamed the most blissful dreams about magical worlds,

BORIS (as Leonora): Screw Narnia; I’d rather go to Disney World instead!

beautiful princesses in a desperate need of help

CHESTERFIELD: Wouldn’t that be a nightmare, then?

and courageous knights in shining armour with fair hair, seated on white
unicorns…

TUMNUS (sigh): Oh, it’s over at last.
CHESTERFIELD: Will there be time to read some trashy, violent, porn fics before
the next chapter? I need to get all the sappy chick-flick crap out of my brain.
BORIS: Hey, Maglor, could you check under my seat for my balls? I think they
fell off at some point during the dumb balcony scene…
*all exit*

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(Wo)man on a Mission
Chapter six – silent waters

CHESTERFIELD: Chief of the Mohawks; led his brave warriors against the white
settlers in New York State.


The sweet singing of a tiny bird

BORIS (as bird, singing): The minute ya walked in the joint...I could see
you were a man of station, a real big spender...


awoke Leonora on that beautiful break of her second day in Narnia.

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Ah...urgh...I asked for a wake-up call in time for the
War of Wrath; what year is it?


At first, when she had just opened her eyes and had looked around in marvel,

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Hey, look; presents! Santa Claus came last night!


she had not remembered where she was. However, the instant she had gazed
through the window

BORIS (as Leonora): Oh, thank God that creepy guy in black is gone...

next to her four-poster and had seen the azure sea,

TUMNUS: "Azure Sea": the refreshing, cold bottled water.

she had recalled every delightful detail and each precious memory of the previous evening.

BORIS: Okay, everyone...ready?
ALL (Gollum): Precioussss memoriesessss...previoussss evening is where we gets
our birthday present, precioussss...


She was drowsily stretching out her arms and legs,

CHESTERFIELD: CREEEEEEAAAAKKK!

yawning, and was just taking into consideration to leave the warmth of that
cosy double bed and get dressed for breakfast,

*everyone pants*
TUMNUS: Slow down, girl with the lonely heart! Where's the fire?


when all of a sudden, she perceived someone sitting on the mint green cushion of the wooden chair, next to her oaken bed.

BORIS (teacher): Remember: the cushion was mint green, the chair was wood,
and the bed was made of oak. There WILL be a quiz on this.


She gave a slight scream and, frightened by the silhouette, she pulled the blanket over her head.

*much hysterical laughter*
MAGLOR: Oh, Iluvatar; she's a coward that's a disgrace to cowards everywhere!


“Oh, my dear lady, I am tremendously sorry,

TUMNUS: "I was drunk; I thought this was MY bedchamber."

I did not mean to startle you”, Peter said hastily,

BORIS: Crossing his fingers behind his back and praying.

as he jumped up from his chair.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Owwwww! Thumbtacks in my ass!

Leonora peeked from underneath her bedspread;

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Has the tooth fairy come yet? .

she had recognised Peter’s deep voice

BORIS (Cookie Monster, singing): If moon was cookie, me think me would be
the happiest monster you ever did see...


and was now furious towards herself for acting childish in his presence.

MAGLOR (as Leonora, Dobby): Bad Leonora...bad, BAD Leonora!...*whacks
himself in the head*
CHESTERFIELD: Wait...you've read "Harry Potter"?
*Maglor shrugs*


“I wished to have a word with you

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Well, you could have KNOCKED!

and when I knocked on the wooden door of your bedroom,

TUMNUS: Oh, he DID knock.
BORIS (as Leonora): Uh, Peter, I know my door is made of wood.


I did not perceive an answer.

BORIS (Briony Tallis): "Without their permission, to get ill and find
indigence, until she was down to her last sixpence..."


In all my ludicrous boldness, I entered without your say-so.

MAGLOR: Say-so? Is that anything like a see-saw?

Forgive me, my sweet Leonora”, Peter said,

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): NO! You big jerk!

trying to explain why he had entered her room without her consent.

TUMNUS (confused): Isn't that just what he did? Explain it?
CHESTERFIELD: Don't confuse me any more than I am, Tumnus.


Yet he had no idea why he had entered and even in his ears, the words he spoke
sounded ridiculous.

BORIS: Well, duh, because most of them were WRONG AND STUPID!

His feet had listened to his heart and soul, not to his common sense.

*Boris hums "Heart and Soul"*
MAGLOR: Feet never listen to anyone.


Leonora smiled. She had removed the blanket from her face,

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Gah! She's a bear!
BORIS: Look, remember what we told Jules about the MST3K references?
*fourth wall creaks*


but she still tried to hide her sleeping gown from Peter’s eyes.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): I hope he doesn't see me taking it off and shoving it
under my bed...hee, hee...


“My dear Peter, I have no angry feelings towards you whatsoever.

MAGLOR: Oh, that's realistic.
CHESTERFIELD: You'd think she would be CREEPED OUT, at least!


I was merely surprised.

BORIS: Wow, if that's Leonora's normal reaction when she's surprised, I
wonder what she does when she's actually frightened.
TUMNUS: She probably faints.


My theatrical reaction has startled you as well, I am sure”,

MAGLOR: "Theatrical"?
BORIS: "Shakespeare for Morons". What'd I tell you?


she answered Peter’s request for forgiveness.

ALL: "NOT A BLOODY CHANCE!!!"

“No, my dear, I should not have given myself the permission to enter your room.

BORIS: "'Cause I don't NEED permission; I'm the High King!"

But when I saw you, lying there on that bed, so peacefully,

CHESTERFIELD: "Well, I...uh...I'll get a maid to clean up the semen on
the floor...oh, shit!"
BORIS: Chesterfield!


I could not find the courage in my heart to wake you from your, ostensibly,
sweet dreams”,

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter, stupid voice): Do I get a triple word score for
using the word "ostensibly"?


Peter said, smiling shyly. He had indeed not dared to wake her,

TUMNUS (as Peter): My nose is still sore from that time when I woke Susan up
early...


and had spent his entire morning in her room, gazing at her fair face while she
was sleeping.

*Tumnus is speechless*
MAGLOR (in shock): Can't she even realize how wrong this is? Has she no idea of
voyeuristic behavior?


“About which matter did you wish to speak with me on this glorious morning,
dear king?” Leonora asked,

BORIS (as Leonora): See? My English is just as articulate as yours, you
braggart!


with glowing cheeks

MAGLOR (as Leonora): I say, Peter, do you get the feeling that we're trapped
in an embarrassingly-bad romance?


as she invited him to sit beside her, on the four-poster-bed.

*everyone gags*

“Oh yes, I wanted to enquire whether you would grace me with your presence for
a small jaunt to the riverside?” Peter proposed,

BORIS (as Peter): Oh, so you wanna play like that? You think you can talk in
longer, more formal sentences than I can? Well, fine; this is war!


while he sat down on the bed, rather far from Leonora.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, phew...

He looked at Leonora with hopeful eyes; hoping that she would join him.

TUMNUS: Now, the author didn't make this too clear, but I'm guessing that
Peter was quite hopeful at this moment.


“What a wonderful thought, my king.

MAGLOR (as Peter): Oh, good; I'll get the rocks and rope...er, that is...

Would we have the joyous presence of your siblings as well?” She asked,

BORIS: Oh, please, no!
MAGLOR: We don't need another scene with all FIVE of those annoying children!


already awfully thrilled to see more of that wondrous land of which she had
scarcely seen a tiny glimpse.

CHESTERFIELD: A "tiny glimpse"?! She saw the whole damn country
from the balcony the night before!


“Well, I am afraid to inform you, that we shall make this wonderful excursion
without my beloved brother and cherished sisters.

TUMNUS (exasperated): Just say "no"!
BORIS (as Peter): Ha! Two lines of useless words! Try and top that, Leonora!


Susan would like to conclude a book she is reading

MAGLOR: Yes, because she can't bring it down to the river with her.
CHESTERFIELD: It's an excuse to get away from her clingy, dumb-blond brother,
Maglor.


and Lucy and Edmund had planned to go horseback riding for such a long period
of time.

CHESTERFIELD: Who wants to bet they're going to Calormen, to try to raise an
army to overthrow Peter?
TUMNUS: POD-Peter, Chesterfield; not the real Peter.


And at the moment, the weather conditions are just supreme”, Peter said

BORIS: "This is your meteorologist, Peter Pevensie, on the morning
Narnia broadcast."


to excuse his siblings. He tried to sound disappointed, but if the truth has to
be told,

TUMNUS: He HATED his siblings! They just could never measure up to his level
of pure perfection!


he was rather pleased to spend his day alone with Leonora.

MAGLOR: He had always wanted to find somebody to sit and do nothing with.

“It is indeed a sad fact that your siblings are not able to join us.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Heh, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

However, I am sure that I shall equally enjoy my day with the enthralling
companionship of the charming High King of Narnia alone.

BORIS (as Leonora): Ha! I think I beat you THAT round! I bet you can't think
of a longer sentence full of more useless words than that!


When do we depart?” Leonora asked with a beam on her face.

MAGLOR: "Now!" said the aliens, who were beaming the light from
their spaceship onto her face.
CHESTERFIELD: I feel bad for the aliens.


She in fact regretted that no one of Peter’s wonderful siblings would come
along with them to the riverside;

TUMNUS (as Leonora): They're missing a great chance to sit around and do
nothing, my favorite pastime!
BORIS (as Leonora): Damn; I was hoping I could recruit some more people to join
the Paramecium Wannabe Club!


however, she was unsurprisingly very delighted with the news that they were
going to spend the day in each other’s enchanting company as well.

MAGLOR (disgusted): One comma.
BORIS: What if that was a movie title? "Excuse me, could we have two
tickets to see However, she was unsurprisingly very delighted with the news
that they were going to spend the day in each other's enchanting company as
well
?"
CHESTERFIELD (whistle): Geez, it would put The Incredibly Strange Creatures
who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
to shame.


“When you are prepared to set off, we shall set off, my girl!”

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Hey, I'm NOT your girl, you forward...
BORIS: Odd how no one's called her "Daughter of Eve" yet.


Peter said with a merry tone of voice.

*everyone giggles loudly*

“Then I shall dress at a fast pace, my king!”

CHESTERFIELD: "Time me!"

Leonora answered as cheery as Peter had spoken.

BORIS (singing): Put a smile on your face...make the world a better place...
MAGLOR: Boris, please; I just ate.


Peter nodded and sat next to Leonora, waiting for her to dress.

*many snickers and quite a lot of retching*

His mind was already full with thoughts about their little trip.

ALL: Full OF thoughts!

He was truly looking forward to it.

CHESTERFIELD: NO SHIT?!

However, much to his surprise, Leonora did not budge an inch.

BORIS (as Leonora): Er, Peter, I'm naked right now.
CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): I KNOW!


She looked at him with an odd expression on her face;

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Er, Peter...did a bird fly over your head? Don't you
feel anything wet in your hair?


she tried to keep herself from bursting out in a sparkling laughter.

BORIS (as Leonora): Hahahahaha! Peter's got BIRD POOP in his hair; that's SO
funny!
MAGLOR (puzzled): How is it possible for laughter to "sparkle"?


“What is the matter, my fair lady?” Peter asked puzzled, looking at Leonora as if he half expected that the answer would be written on her forehead.

TUMNUS (as Peter): Hmmm; that faun told me that "gullible" was
written on her forehead, but I can't find it anywhere.


“It lies not in my wish to sound indecorous, my king;

MAGLOR (as Peter): WHAT did you say?

please do not interpret my words by the erroneous fashion.

BORIS (as Peter): Look, Leonora, you're breaking my heart; would you get on
with it?!


However, would you be so kind to step out of this room, while I change my
clothing?” Leonora asked laughing.

TUMNUS (as Peter): Well, why didn't you just SAY so?! Good Aslan!

“Oh, forgive me. I did not… I did not mean...It was not my… I would not...”,
Peter uttered.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Damn; I've run out of random SAT vocabulary to use!


He sighed helplessly. “I shall await your arrival in the Grand Antechamber,
down the stairs”,

MAGLOR: "You win. You CAN talk in longer sentences and use more useless
vocabulary words than I can."


he said with cheeks as red as a ripe strawberry,

*Pause*
BORIS: That's a new one.


as he walked to the door.

ALL (as Peter): Gasp...choke...ow, my leg...

Leonora smiled remorsefully, she sympathized with Peter,

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Well, we can't ALL be useless-word-users...I'll be kind
to him anyway.


since it was obviously not his intention to make her feel uncomfortable.

*Silence*
CHESTERFIELD: Wanna bet?


She swiftly put on a light, long, silk green gown with wide sleeves.

MAGLOR (slamming his head on the back of his seat): Oh, Eru; I can tolerate
NO MORE useless description in this fic...
*Boris and Chesterfield look ill*


The dress had a leaf pattern on the skirt

BORIS (losing control): WE DON'T CARE!!

and draped around her hips, she wore a brown leather belt.

CHESTERFIELD: Hmmm; a cross in styles between Ren-fest and dude ranch. Yuck.


Then she carefully combed her long, dark hair with one of the golden brushes
that lay on a little cupboard in her room.

TUMNUS (yawn): Action-packed, isn't it, Maglor...Maglor?
*Maglor has fallen asleep*
BORIS (slapping him): Snap out of it.


She looked like one of the nymphs who lived in the green heart of the Narnian
forests.

TUMNUS: Er...typically, the nymphs look like humanoid trees.
CHESTERFIELD: You mean like Ents?
TUMNUS: Not exactly.


When Leonora came running down the stairs, enthusiastic about the trip,

BORIS (as Leonora, singing): Oh, here we go off to the riverside, the
riverside, the riverside; here we go off to the riverside, so early in the
morning...


she saw Peter standing in the hall.

CHESTERFIELD: And she was expecting to see...Elvis Presley?

She slowed her steps and moved stealthily to the banister of the staircase.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Hee, hee, watch me scare him by poking him in the
shoulder!


She heard that Peter was talking to himself.

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Oh, Lord, the High King of Narnia has a split
personality!


“Fool! Why on earth did you find it necessary to enter her room?

BORIS: Well, Sauron, we don't know! Ask the girl with the lonely heart!

Where by Aslan’s mane, were your thoughts?

MAGLOR (stupid voice): In Mordor...dur-hur-hur.

Do you truly believe that this is the way to her heart?” Peter mumbled.

BORIS (Bugs Bunny voice): No, Peter; you have to take that left turn at
Albuquerque to get to her heart.


When Peter had spoken that last sentence, Leonora’s heart skipped a beat.

*Boris and Chesterfield make CD-skipping noises*

It felt as if her head would burst,

CHESTERFIELD: Yes, that's the normal reaction to learning that your crush
likes you: your head explodes.


numerous daft, sane, cold and loving thoughts dashing around,

ALL: WHEE!

making her skin tingle. He had declared his love for her, without even knowing
it.

TUMNUS (exasperated): It isn't love, you little fool. Grow up.
BORIS: Leonora, he's a teenage boy, for Sauron's sake.


She decided to sit down for a minute,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, my Saruman. No way.
*Over-dramatic gasp*


to stop her hands from trembling and her heart from beating frantically in her
chest.

TUMNUS: Er...there is NO connection at all...

When she got up, she had decided not to speak a word to him about what she had
heard.

*Silence. Dead, stony silence*

It was too soon.

MAGLOR: No! Do you really think so? After barely one day of speaking to him?


She gracefully walked down the stairs, with her hand resting on the white
paling.

BORIS (announcer): And now, our first contestant in the Miss Narnia beauty
pageant: Leonora!


Peter looked up when he heard her footsteps.

MAGLOR (as Peter): Oh, hello! Did...oh, bloody hell, it's you.

Her smile made his heart flutter

TUMNUS: Ooh...butterflies!

and he did not know that she went weak at the knees because of his smile.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Hee, hee, sorry I tripped; I don't think this
floor is level...
MAGLOR (as Peter, stupid voice): Oh, well, I'll have the servants take a look
at it immediately!


She smiled shyly and walked up to him.

BORIS (as Leonora): Excuse me? Could you show me where the restroom is?

“I have already saddled the horses and packed a picnic basket filled with food.

TUMNUS: Odd; I was under the impression that the kings and queens of Narnia
had servants and courtiers to do those tasks.


Therefore, we can make tracks without delay. I know a beautiful place where we
can eat”,

CHESTERFIELD: "It's called 'Outback Steakhouse'".

Peter said, enthusiastically as a little child on Christmas Evening.

MAGLOR: Really? I thought little children were more excited on Christmas
EVE.
BORIS: Well, maybe she's implying that he wasn't THAT enthusiastic, just
somewhat enthusiastic. Aw, forget it.


“Wonderful! But Peter, I have to admit that I have never before, in my entire
life, ridden on a horseback”, Leonora said disappointed.

CHESTERFIELD (whistle): Wow, Leonora's really getting out of the habit of
rambling when she talks.
BORIS: I think she's run out of SAT vocabulary as well.


“Not a difficulty whatsoever. You have given me the bliss of

TUMNUS: Yesss...
MAGLOR: Come on...get on with it...


having the opportunity to

BORIS: Go on...we're listening...

enlighten you with the art of

ALL: Yesss...come on, now...

horseback riding”, Peter answered

TUMNUS (in disbelief): That's IT?
BORIS: Geez; with that much suspense, it should have at least been sky-diving
or making the Silmarils!


while he winched the picnic basket up from the marble floor

*everyone makes creaking sounds*

and took Leonora’s hand. There was absolutely nothing in the whole, wide, green
world that could spoil his perfect day.

MAGLOR (sweetly): Really? What if Leonora slapped you and told you that she
hated you?


They strolled through the Royal gardens, heading for the stables. Peter had saddled
his own horse, a white Andalusian horse,

CHESTERFIELD: Brought express from Andalusia, of course; never mind that it
was on Earth...


and he had saddled a horse for Leonora as well. Leonora had gasped for air as
she saw the two magnificent animals.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Oh, my; in horses, does big hoofs mean big...
*Boris slaps him*


“I have to clamber on one of those enormous creatures?” She exclaimed weakly.

MAGLOR (as Peter): Well, I guess if you really wanted to, you could be tied
UNDER one of them and ride that way...
TUMNUS: Just WALK to have your picnic, Peter!


Peter smirked. “I shall lend you a hand. Nevertheless, bear in your mind that this animal is no more than a horse.

BORIS (as Leonora): Aw, man; so it's not a magical, flying Sue!Critter from
heaven who can communicate with me telepathically?
MAGLOR: "Sue!Critter"?


It is not a giraffe”, he said jokingly.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Oh, thanks, Peter; I never would have guessed it.
CHESTERFIELD: Wouldn't it actually be easy to climb on a giraffe's back? I
mean, it's no higher than a horse's back; it's the HEAD that's really high up.


Leonora started mollycoddling the beautiful dark horse

BORIS (as horse): Hey, get your hands off me before I decide to kick you.

by which she was going to be carried to the river.

*Pause*
CHESTERFIELD: O-kay...that's ONE way you could put it.


“What is the name of this remarkable horse?” She asked.

TUMNUS: "This Remarkable Horse."
BORIS: Look, Tumnus, will you just shut up with the lame jokes?


“Well, this is Susan’s horse, actually. And my beloved eldest sister has named
him Pearl”, Peter answered.

MAGLOR: "She STILL hasn't realized that it's a male..."
CHESTERFIELD (shaking his head): Is it possible to castrate a horse with just a
name?


He had never in fact liked that name, since he preferred stronger names for a
stallion of that calibre.

*roars of laughter*
TUMNUS: It's a STALLION?
BORIS: Susan sounds like the type who'd name a male Doberman Fluffy-Muffy.


However, since it was Susan’s horse, he had not interfered with her choice of
name.

CHESTERFIELD: Of course, he'd have to put his foot down if she decided to
name her hunting-hawk Big Bird and her pet snake Mr. Pooky...


“What an odd name for a black horse”, Leonora whispered.

BORIS: Well, I guess you could rename him "Pearlshonna," but
that's not exactly politically correct...


“Are you ready? ... You can place your hand on my shoulder”, Peter said.

TUMNUS (as Leonora, giggling): Oh, my; we're moving a little fast, aren't
we? I'm not sure I'm ready for that!


Leonora nodded, she laid one hand on the high dark back of the horse and placed her right hand on Peter’s broad shoulder.

BORIS (singing): You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out...
MAGLOR: Must we read about how broad Peter's shoulders are?


She set one foot in the iron stirrup.

ALL: OW!
MAGLOR: Iron? Wouldn't that hurt your feet?


Peter gently placed his rather large hands around Leonora’s slim waist.

*everyone gags loudly*

“Excellent, now you ought to be proficient to climb on top of the horse. You
merely have to swing your other leg over the horse”, Peter advised.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Uh, Peter, I'm wearing a DRESS.
CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): I KNOW!


Again, Leonora nodded and attempted to mount the horse.

BORIS (sigh): I think we're in for a long, boring wait, folks.
MAGLOR: Why doesn't he just LIFT Leonora onto the horse?


She did this very carefully, for

CHESTERFIELD: She wasn't wearing underwear under her skirt, and apparently
nobody in Narnia had ever heard of riding sidesaddle.


she did not want to hurt Peter by putting all her weight on his rather muscular
shoulder at once.

TUMNUS (enraged): STOP DESCRIBING HOW MUSCULAR PETER IS!!
MAGLOR (enraged): STOP SAYING "RATHER"!!


All of a sudden, her left ankle boot slipped out of the stirrup and she
collapsed on the ground.

*much applause*
BORIS (hopefully): Was her back broken?


With a shrill scream, she ended up lying on Peter, who she had taken down with
her, during her fall.

*Silence*
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, Lord, no.


“Are you well? Please forgive me, Peter. My foot slipped.” Leonora uttered

BORIS (as Peter): Yeah, right, your foot slipped; that's what they all
say...


while she hastily jumped up from the soil.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Gah! Worms!

“It is nothing, really. It could have happened to the best horseback rider”,

CHESTERFIELD: Well, yeah, if the best horseback rider was a clingy,
attention-seeking whore!


Peter said to comfort Leonora; he bit his lip to repel the pain in his chest

TUMNUS (grin): Oh, Leonora's in for it this time...
MAGLOR (as Leonora): Oh, my God, I've killed Peter!


and tried to give Leonora a smile, a rather crooked one, because of the pain.

BORIS (as Peter): On second thought...oof...why don't we
just...owwwww...have our picnic inside the castle? Christ, you're heavy...


“Do you want to undertake another attempt?” he asked as he got up from the
ground.

CHESTERFIELD: AGAIN?!
MAGLOR (rolling his eyes): The girl with the lonely heart: the first fanfic
author to find the romantic potential in falling off a horse.


“Are you certain? I may perhaps fall again”, Leonora said. She did not really
mind whether she fell again;

BORIS: Yeah; she was hoping this time she'd fall on Peter's groin.

she purely did not want to harm Peter for a second time. “Oh, I am in no doubt. Moreover, if you would indeed fall once more, then I shall catch you.

CHESTERFIELD: "Only don't blame me if I drop you, you tubby lump of
lard...sheesh."


I am prepared this time”, Peter said teasingly.

BORIS (as Peter, nerdy little kid): My mom bought me some kneepads and a
football helmet, so I wouldn't get hurt!


As is been said before, there was absolutely nothing in the whole, wide, green
world that could spoil his day.

MAGLOR: Oh, shut up!
CHESTERFIELD (gulp): I hope the girl with the lonely heart's not gonna pull a
Prince of Space.


The second time, Leonora did manage to get on her horse

TUMNUS: Only to have it rear and throw her after barely a minute.

and as soon as Peter sat on his horse he gave her some instructions to ride.

MAGLOR (as Peter): All right, Leonora, you say "giddyap" to get
the horse to go, and you pull on the reins and say "whoa" to make it
stop...why don't I just leave you with that, and if you have trouble
controlling your horse, just do what seems right to you.


They started of slowly and cautiously,

BORIS (as Peter): Careful; the speed limit's fifteen here.

but despite her unfortunate begin, Leonora turned out to have a tremendous gift
for riding on a horseback.

TUMNUS: Oh, COME ON...!
MAGLOR: That's impossible!
CHESTERFIELD (scowl): Not for Mary Sues, it's not.


It did not take too long until they rode through the emerald meadows, in a swift gallop and felt the wind blowing through their hair.

BORIS: Man, it sounds like the Wizard of Oz was REALLY running out of
creative place names.


The place next to the river that Peter had picked for the picnic was nothing
but perfect.

MAGLOR (deadpan): Unlike the nothing-but-perfect castle, and the
nothing-but-perfect feast, and the nothing-but-perfect company...readers, are
you noticing a pattern here? Think about it.


You spoke silent there, as you would do in a cathedral,

CHESTERFIELD: I thought you had to be silent at a Quaker service, not a
Catholic service.
BORIS: Meh, ask Jules when she wakes up.


by means of respect and admiration for the magnificence of nature.

*all are speechless*
CHESTERFIELD: This story would be such an embarrassment to environmentalists.


There was the refreshing shade of a large tree

MAGLOR (as tree, Ent): Hoom! Hoom! Is that all you can say? You must not be
so hasty in your descriptions!


and the millions of bright flowers smelled like a freshly baked, delicious
apple pie.

TUMNUS (laughing): What the...
BORIS: Some kind of exotic genetic engineering is at work in Narnia.


The soothing sound of the streaming cascade made the place look even more like
a fairytale.

BORIS: Oh, right; you can only find waterfalls in fairy tales...sure.

“This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life”, Leonora
whispered;

CHESTERFIELD (gasp): Oh, Leonora, you naughty, forward girl!

staring at the clattering waterfall in front of her

CHESTERFIELD (slightly disappointed): Oh.

after Peter had helped her descend from the horse.

TUMNUS: Here's a question. How was Leonora able to get up again so soon
after falling off the horse, when earlier, she'd only had to trip over a tree
root to fall into a coma?
MAGLOR: Hmmm; maybe it's something in the Narnian air.


“You have translated the thoughts in my mind into words”, Peter said.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Oh, you mean..."wow, she's sexy; I just want
to..."
BORIS (as Peter, panicked): I didn't want you to translate ALL the thoughts in
my mind into words!


Leonora looked at his face and saw

TUMNUS: That he was sprouting seaweed on his chin.

that he was not looking at the beautiful elements of nature, but at her.

BORIS: So what's the point? He was talking to her, wasn't he?

Peter swiftly looked away and walked to the horses.

ALL (as Peter): Pant...pant...pant...whew, made it!

He took the basket filled with delicious food,

MAGLOR: As opposed to what? Delicious yarn?

while Leonora laid down a blanket on the soft green grass.

*everyone makes squishing noises*

They ate their picnic, talking in a silent tone of voice

TUMNUS: Oh, the latest craze; lip-synced conversations.

with the soothing songs of some birds and the sound of flowing water as
background music.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, you mean like on those nature-sounds CDs?
MAGLOR: I never thought I'd say this, but right now, this story is making me
homesick for Thangorodrim and the creatures of Morgoth.


When they had finished their repast, Peter uncovered the swords,

BORIS: WHAT swords?!
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, no..."A Tale of Two Swords"...yuck...


which he had brought with him.

BORIS: Oh, thanks for clearing that up; way to introduce new plot elements
too late.


“I thought that I could edify you how to fight with a sword.

ALL: EDIFY?!
BORIS (throwing up his hands): I give up. I've come to the end of Briony
Tallis's monologue, and the author's still not using these words correctly.


If you wish to be acquainted with it, that is”, Peter introduced.

TUMNUS: "Sword, this is Leonora. Leonora, meet the sword."

“O yes please!” Leonora answered.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): I can't wait to learn to chop off people's heads!


He handed Leonora a sword, which she accepted and tried to hold as Peter had
done.

MAGLOR (as Leonora): So, do you hold it by the shiny part...ow, ow! It's
sharp! Owwwww!


“O yes, I shall demonstrate you how you should hold this piece of weapon”,
Peter said.

MAGLOR (deadpan): A "piece of weapon"?
TUMNUS: Whatever language she's speaking now, it's not English.


He laid his hands on Leonora’s hand and swung with the sword.

BORIS (as Leonora): Oh, Peter, you just killed a bird...Peter, you're
cutting off the circulation in my hand...Peter, you just beheaded a flying
squirrel!


“Do you understand that move?” he asked as he smiled at Leonora. She nodded.

BORIS (as Leonora): Yeah, Peter, you didn't give me any chances to practice
it on my own, and you won't be holding my hand in battle, but I understand
perfectly.


They fought for a few hours

MAGLOR (grimace): Yes, a few hours, with a beginning swordfighter, without
getting tired... (slapping his forehead)


while Peter gave Leonora some directions about her footwork

CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): Could you make it any MORE obvious that you
know NOTHING about sword fighting, girl with the lonely heart?
TUMNUS: You'd think she would have done SOME research on this.


and the way she swayed her sword.

BORIS: SWAYED. A SWORD.
MAGLOR (in amazement): I would make a joke about it, but I'm speechless.


“It seems to me that you have a gift for this art as well.

*everyone groans loudly*
CHESTERFIELD: Shoulda seen that coming...


You are truly a girl of many talents”, Peter complimented.

*everyone vomits*

After a while, Peter and Leonora were exhausted.

MAGLOR (sarcastically): After only three or four hours of practicing? They
must be quite out of shape.


“That would be an adequate amount of practise for one day”, Peter said

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Yes, Mr. Teacher. What's my homework for tonight?

and he walked to the horses to put away the swords.

CHESTERFIELD: WHAT?
BORIS: Oh, Sauron, horrible images...get out, get out...


In the intervening time, Leonora strolled to the river.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora, Melissa): This is where the fish lives.

She gazed into the deep blue of the streaming water.

TUMNUS (as Leonora): Oh, my; there's a girl in the water who looks just like
me! I've made a new friend!


All of a sudden, she saw something or someone move in the water.

MAGLOR: Only it was actually Leonora, scratching her ear; she had seen her
reflection for the first time.


“Peter, come! Come, look! Fast!

CHESTERFIELD: "Superman's flying overhead!
TUMNUS: "There's a big, fat, horrible caterpillar crawling up my
arm!"


There is some creature, swimming in the river!” she screamed ecstatically.
Peter smirked.

MAGLOR (as Peter): Leonora, that's a DUCK, for heaven's sake.

Seeing a nymph in the river was almost ordinary for him.

MAGLOR: Oh.

Her wonder was endearing to him.

CHESTERFIELD: Uh...does not compute AT ALL...

Leonora stood next to the river with an amazed expression.

BORIS ("Rocket Man"): "Wow, it really DOES look like a giant
blueberry!"


She leaned over the water, her hand reaching for the nymph,

BORIS (as the nymph): Argh! Get away from me, you pervert!

touching the nippy water.

*everyone makes chomping noises*

She had read and heard, as all of us I am sure, about the marvellous creatures
who lived in enchanted forests or who called a streaming river their house.

TUMNUS: Crazy people?
CHESTERFIELD: Candidates for the Darwin Awards?


Moreover, as a child, she had believed every word,

BORIS: "So there ARE really people that are that crazy! Wow, I want to
be one when I grow up!"


but later she had thought that the actual homes of those remarkable living
beings could only be found in the mind and fantasy of a young child.

MAGLOR: Er...what?
CHESTERFIELD: Damn, I've forgotten what the author was talking about.


Now she saw one of those fantastic beings,

CHESTERFIELD: WHAT fantastic beings?
TUMNUS: The water nymph, remember?
CHESTERFIELD: Actually, I don't.


she had remembered those legends that she had once loved so much.

BORIS: Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, the Loch Ness Monster...would she
find one of these remarkable creatures in Narnia?!


She was a young child again and had forgotten about everything around her.

*everyone makes baby noises*
BORIS (rolling his eyes): Next she's gonna lie down and cry, and Peter's gonna
have to feed her from a bottle and burp her.


Only the determination of being with that nymph was on her mind, the wish to go
with her.

*Silence*
MAGLOR: Ugh.
CHESTERFIELD: So now this is a fem slash fic. Great.


Sooner than either Leonora or Peter realized it, she fell into the deep water
of the streaming river.

*everyone cheers and applauds loudly*

Peter saw her, falling into the watercourse,

MAGLOR (as Peter): Er...maybe playing golf with a Mary Sue instead of a golf
ball WASN'T such a good idea...


and he heard the sound of spattering water, but it did take a few seconds until
he fully realized that his girl was in need of aid.

*laughter*
TUMNUS: In real life, Peter isn't that slow on the uptake!
CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Duh...uh....dude, that sucks!


She did not swim back to the surface, nor did he see one hint of her in the
rather clear blue water.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Damn water pollution...

Peter rapidly took of his heavy tunic and ran to the river.

BORIS (as Peter): Well, time to attract some babes with my chiseled abs.

He jumped into the cool water. The life of Leonora was to be won or lost.

MAGLOR: I think you should call it a draw, Peter.

He took a deep breath and went underwater to find Leonora. He had searched for
hardly a few minutes, which seemed hours to him,

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): The water is ruining my beautiful HAIR! WAH!
TUMNUS (as Peter): Oh, I should have listened when the dwarfs told me this
wasn't the best way to catch fish...


when he found her,

BORIS (ominously): Sadly, a shark had found her first.

and he swiftly swum to the surface, holding the lifeless body of Leonora in his
arms.

MAGLOR: Wait a minute. If he was holding Leonora in both his arms, then
obviously he could only move his feet, and therefore, swimming would be
impossible...oh, forget it.


When he emerged out of the water, panting for breath,

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Damn Narnians; you'd think they would have invented
the oxygen tank by now.


he looked at the face of Leonora.

TUMNUS (as Peter): Aaah! Her skin's been chewed up by sturgeons!

Her skin was as pale as snow, her lips as blue as ice.

MAGLOR: Er...ice is clear, girl with the lonely heart.
BORIS: Well, not if it's a blue-raspberry Popsicle.
CHESTERFIELD: Wow; Leonora's giving new meaning to the words "Candy
Man".


“Leonora, please wake up”, Peter whispered.

TUMNUS: "They won't believe it was your fault you fell in the
river...I'll be accused of murder; this will be a terrible scandal...the money
I spent to decorate your room will have been a waste..."


His eyes filled with tears

BORIS (as Peter, sniffling): This reminds me so much of the scene in
"Titanic"...


as he lovingly caressed Leonora’s soaked hair

CHESTERFIELD: Ugh...pounds and pounds of grease; yuck!

and tenderly kissed her icy lips.

ALL: NOOOOOO!
TUMNUS: Poor Peter! Oh, Morgoth, you're worse than the White Witch!!
CHESTERFIELD: So is Leonora!


Whether it was the influence of the great lion Aslan

TUMNUS (breathing heavily): It wasn't...it wasn't...it wasn't...I have to
keep saying that...it wasn't...it wasn't...


or whether it was the vulnerable voice and kiss

MAGLOR (as voice): Eek! I'm so weak; I need protection!
BORIS (as kiss): I have sensitive feelings, and you hurt them!


of a boy in love that saved an innocent girl’s life that day, one can only
guess.

TUMNUS (rolling his eyes): Well, obviously the author doesn't know either.

Many people tell dissimilar versions and many people believe that theirs is the
only true one.

CHESTERFIELD: And many people still believe that the world is flat. Now will
you GET ON WITH IT?!


However, about one thing they all consent:

BORIS: Britney Spears is a trashy whore.

A miracle had occurred in the waters of the great river in the miraculous land
of Narnia in the third year of High Kings Peter reign.

TUMNUS: On the planet of blah-blah, in the galaxy of whatever, in the
universe...I DON'T NEED THE WHOLE ADDRESS, for Aslan's sake!
CHESTERFIELD: Boy, what a nerd.


The legend states that Leonora’s eyes had yet again opened that day, and that
her heart had once again started beating.

MAGLOR (deadpan): However, in real life, she died, and the river was tried
and found guilty for murder.


Peter’s spirit had been overcome with happiness as he felt her warm breath on
his skin.

MAGLOR (as Peter): Ugh; smells like garlic!

The tears in his eyes were now tears of bliss.

BORIS (as Peter, happily): Now this reminds me of the scene where Baloo woke
up in "The Jungle Book"!


“What on earth has happened?

CHESTERFIELD (author): Well, many people tell contrasting, dissimilar
versions about it, dear Leonora, and many people believe in God, and many other
people are atheists, but...
*Tumnus smacks him*


Why are we in the river?” Leonora whispered bewildered.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): I was trying to wash your greasy hair, since you
haven't showered for seven days!


“You fell in the stream, my dear. A nymph had dragged you to the bottom of the
river.

MAGLOR: Oh, that's a new development.
BORIS: I thought she just sank! The nymph didn't even do anything!


Your soul was almost in another world.

TUMNUS (confused): So now they're in the Wood between the Worlds?

I dived after you to save you from drowning”, Peter answered.

CHESTERFIELD (as Peter): Yep, I was a brave, magnificent hero yet again!
Isn't that enough to warrant you kissing my feet?
BORIS (as Peter, John Lennon): I'm more popular than Jesus!


Her eyes had widened when Peter had told her what had happened.

MAGLOR (as Leonora): Peter, how DARE you say that?! I'm a devout Christian,
and you're not fit to associate with me anymore!
CHESTERFIELD: Shhhhhh! There may be devout Christians reading this!


Leonora did not know how to express her gratitude to him for his courageous
act.

BORIS: Oh, YUCK...
TUMNUS: Could this possibly be any MORE nauseating?!


She embraced him,

TUMNUS (scowl): I had to ask.

shivering because of the cold water in which Peter and she were still standing

CHESTERFIELD: So GET OUT OF THE WATER, genius!

and trembling because of the thought of the death from which she had escaped.

BORIS (Taraboner from "The Wheel of Time"): Leonora, she has
escaped from the death, for the king Peter, he has saved her, yes?
*Chesterfield shudders*


Their faces were mere inches away from each other.

MAGLOR (as Peter): Phew; look at that hairy mole on your chin, Leonora;
can't you have it removed?


Their thoughts ran back to the previous evening on the balcony.

BORIS: Oh, now this is a "Time Machine" crossover, isn't it?
TUMNUS: You mean Leonora's presence in Narnia will actually start making sense?


“Maybe we should return to the castle.

CHESTERFIELD (as Leonora): Well, I was thinking more of sitting in the water
and freezing, but, hey, you're the king here.


Susan, Edmund, and Lucy would be waiting with dinner”, Peter whispered. He
thought that it was still too soon to show his feelings.

MAGLOR: Didn't he already show them already?! Wasn't that the point of
Leonora hearing him mumbling under his breath?!
CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): Well, now we know the main reason why the
Pevensies had no children to rule Narnia after them.


He was afraid to explain to her how she made his heart flutter with every move she made

TUMNUS (as Peter): Leonora, if I die of a heart attack before I reach middle
age, it's your fault!


and how he adored the sound of her voice more than the most beautiful melody.

MAGLOR: Well, why should you hesitate, Peter? I mean, just because you adore
the sound of her voice doesn't mean you fancy her...I hope.


They rode back to the castle in silence.

*Maglor suddenly slumps over in his seat*
BORIS (slapping him): Maglor, don't fall asleep yet!
MAGLOR (sigh): How can I help it?


They stabled their horses and strolled to the castle, through the royal gardens.

MAGLOR (pleading): Look here; won't you let me sleep for a LITTLE while? At
least until the dull, meaningless "stroll to the castle" scene is
over?
CHESTERFIELD: Er...Maglor, it IS over.


There, they met Susan. She was sitting on a little bench, reading the very last
page of her massive book.

BORIS (as Susan): Man, it's the end already?! And there'll be no more Harry Potter books after this one!

She looked up as she heard their footsteps. She looked up smiling.

TUMNUS (as Susan): Well, well; and how's the pretty little guest and her
little playmate today?


Nevertheless, when she saw their appearances, her expression changed.

MAGLOR (as Susan): Sorry, sorry; I forgot you two weren't seven years old
anymore...


“What by the great king Aslan has happened?

CHESTERFIELD (author): Whatever happened is uncertain, for many people
believe that Leonora and Peter were out riding in the exquisitely-emerald
meadows with magenta flowers and indigo streams, and many other people believe
that Peter had taken Leonora to a marvelously-ornate hotel to perform sexual
intercourse, but legend tells...
MAGLOR (cringe): Enough. Just...enough.


Why are you both soaked

TUMNUS (as Peter): Because Leonora here hasn't washed her hair since she
came to Narnia a week ago!


and Peter, why on earth do you saunter around without your tunic?” She
exclaimed.

BORIS (as Peter): 'Cause I wanna pick up some chicks, dur-hur-hur!
CHESTERFIELD: Only in Narnia, these "chicks" would be actual
chickens...talking beasts, and all...


Peter told her the story about the nymph and that Leonora had fallen into the
water.

MAGLOR (as Susan): That's very interesting, Peter, but you haven't answered
my question about your tunic.


He explained that he had jumped after her,

TUMNUS: Ugh; sounds like he was acting like a rutting stag!
CHESTERFIELD: Yuck; thanks for that mental image!


but that his tunic would have drawn him to the bottom of the river.

BORIS (as Susan): Damn, and Edmund and Lucy wouldn't have needed that
Calormene army, either!


He did not inform Susan about the fact that Leonora had almost drowned.

MAGLOR: He didn't want to get her hopes up; anyway, he was afraid she would
blame him for letting Leonora live.


It would only cause Susan to get worried about an event that already lied in
the past.

BORIS (as event): Hey, are you calling me a liar?

When Susan had heard the complete story,

TUMNUS: But...the author just said that she DIDN'T!

her expression changed back to a smile, although it was a rather disbelieving
one.

MAGLOR (as Susan): I'll have to ask Leonora to tell her own version of the
story later on.


“Well, please, quickly. Change into a pair of dry clothes. You may possibly
catch a cold, strolling around like this!

CHESTERFIELD: "And you're grossing me out by all your lovey-dovey looks
at each other!"


Edmund and Lucy have arrived as well and the cooking staffs have informed me

MAGLOR (laughing): Talking staffs?
BORIS: Somehow I don't think Gandalf would have wanted one.


that we shall have dinner in about half an hour”, Susan said. Peter and Leonora
said goodbye to Susan, rather shyly,

CHESTERFIELD: "G-g-g-goodbye, Susan...uh...errrrr..."
MAGLOR: "Eh...eh...EHHHHHH!"


trying to avoid each other’s eyes,

BORIS: "Must not have staring contest...must not have staring
contest..."


and walked to their room, to get ready for a welcome warm dinner.

TUMNUS: Doesn't she mean "welcome home"?

Although Susan did not say it audibly, she had found their story rather
fare-fetched.

MAGLOR (scowl): This FIC is "fare-fetched"...whatever that means.

She looked back at her book and read the last lines.

CHESTERFIELD (as Susan): "It is a far, far better thing"...WAIT a
minute...


“And they lived happily ever after”.

BORIS (as Susan): That's IT?! Boy, was I ripped off! Stupid, cliched
ending...


Susan smirked. “Apparently they are not the only ones”, She whispered.

ALL: HUH?!

Susan closed her book, got up from her seat and walked back to the castle…

TUMNUS: Wait a minute. This is the end of the story?!
BORIS: You have GOT to be kidding me.
CHESTERFIELD: Boy, and I thought it wasn't possible to hate the author any
more...Maglor?
MAGLOR (starting): I beg your pardon; I dozed off.
CHESTERFIELD: It's over now.
*all exit the theater. The six doors are shown in reverse order*




"What is it this time?" Morgoth asked in exasperation. Boris and Chesterfield were staring
at him with crossed arms and angry faces. Tumnus was massaging his temples, and
Maglor had fallen asleep in a nearby chair.

Morgoth sighed deeply. "Look here, I don't think you've grasped the
concept yet: when I send you fanfics, they're SUPPOSED to be bad. I mean, what
were you expecting, a best-selling novel?"

"We were expecting something better than this!" snapped Chesterfield. "No
decent sentence structure, no believable dialogue, no PLOT, no ENDING..."

"I thought you would give us a break after...you-know-what!" added
Boris.

"I GAVE you your break; one whole week without any stories to read,"
Morgoth said patiently. "Anyway, this story was not nearly as bad as 'An
Elf's Love,' was it?"

Boris and Chesterfield looked at each other and shuddered. Boris spoke for them, "Well, no,
but..."

"Then what are you complaining about?" interrupted Morgoth, as if the
discussion were closed.

"Is there any place I can heal this raging headache I have?" groaned
Tumnus, squeezing the bridge of his nose.

"Sure, there's some Tylenol back in the bedroom," answered Chesterfield. "Just
don't wake up Jules or Boromir; this is the quietest they've been in a
while...what are you so excited about, Boris?" Boris had a piece of paper
in his hand and, judging from the excited expression on his face, it contained
some good news.

"The other Nazgul have invited me on vacation!" Boris said happily.
"And Morgoth's actually letting me go!"

For a while there was some silence, before Chesterfield choked out, "What?"

"I mean, I can say good-bye to fanfic-reading for another week!"
Boris explained. "The Nazgul are off to Montreal for a week, they sent me
a letter yesterday asking me to come, and now I just received a response from
Morgoth telling me I can!"

"You mean they didn't invite US?!" Chesterfield yelled in disbelief.
"You didn't even WRITE to them asking if we could come?!"

"Hey, Tim said in the letter this would just be a reunion for all nine of
us; he didn't want anyone else," Boris replied with a shrug. "Anyway,
Morgoth wouldn't have let the rest of you come; otherwise, he wouldn't have
anybody left to read the fics." He laughed mockingly, before adding,
"Sucks to be you, I guess!"

Chesterfield, enraged, drew his sword and was just going to try to run Boris
through, when there was a bang and a flash of colored light, and the Nazgul
disappeared. Angry and dejected he collapsed into a chair next to Maglor, just
as the Noldo was waking up.

"So sorry; I could not help falling asleep, that dreadful story...what did
I miss?"

"Apart from Boris going on vacation, and Morgoth's actually LETTING him
go? Not much," groused Chesterfield.

At that, Maglor's expression turned angry. He didn't even speak to Chesterfield, but rushed over to the globe, where Morgoth's face still was.

"How could you let him go?!" cried Maglor, forgetting his early fear
of Morgoth. "I thought you were keeping us prisoners here; I thought you
wouldn't set us free under any circumstances!"

"Well, ordinarily, I wouldn't," explained Morgoth, "except that
I found the perfect substitute for Boris while he was gone, and—well—the
temptation was too strong to resist."

Maglor shook his head, still angry. "I'm surprised you found someone else
on such short notice."

"You misunderstand," Morgoth told him with a smirk. "The Nazgul
SUGGESTED him to me. And he was easy to find."

With that, his face disappeared from the globe, and there was another bang and
flash of colored light behind Maglor. He whirled around—and the color drained
from his face. Chesterfield saw as well, and his limbs began to tremble.

"No," he moaned, backing slowly away. "No, no, it can't
be..."

"It is," said Sauron, back in his fair, full-bodied form that he had
not worn since the collapse of Numenor. "It is."
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