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Captain Laurina; Argh, Matey, It's a Sue!
Topic Started: Jul 27 2008, 09:41 PM (491 Views)
MackenzieW
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Resident Time Lady
Title: Captain Laurina
Author: MackenzieW
Rating: T
Genre: MST, Humor
Text it is based on: Captain Laurina by Kutakiko
Characters: Mackenzie and Crew, HP evil guys, Elrond or "El," Elladan, The Fellowship, Pirate Barbie and her crew
Summary: The horror of The Worst Episode of Law and Order Ever behind them, the gang returns to the Lord of the Rings for a swashbuckling Sue and her crew who sings Disney attraction songs.
Warnings: Spell Check? What's Spell Check? One too many viewings of "Pirates of the Caribbean" And Sue gets away with calling Lord Elrond "El."

"Jack Sparrow is Not a Woman Nor Do Any Female Equivalents Belong in Arda."

Narrator: A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
Mackenzie: That’s the Star Wars prologue.
Narrator: Which one? A New Hope?
Mackenzie: It’s Star Wars. Not “A New Hope”
Narrator: Sorry. Anyway…Last week in your own galaxy, a young fanfiction author and reader decided to spork a badfic. Unfortunately, her friend accidentally said the name of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. A pack of Death Eaters promptly kidnapped her and her other companions and brought them to their master.
Mackenzie: Aren’t you dead?
Voldemort: Shut up.
Narrator: He decided that as their punishment, they would be locked up in some remote room in Malfoy Manor and be forced to read badfics for an undetermined amount of time. These poor saps are: Mackenzie, our heroine.
Mac: Hey, Moldy-Voldy.
Remus Lupin, recently departed werewolf
Remus: But I’m not a ghost?
Sai, the Ronin Warrior of Trust with a fascination with sea life
Sai: There aren’t any fish here!
Quatre, the youngest Gundam pilot
Quatre: This isn’t good.
Erik, the Phantom of the Opera
Erik: Will…get…revenge…on…Pretty Boy.
And occasionally joined by Jareth, the Goblin King.
Jareth: Voldemort and I go way back.
Will they get out alive?
Mackenzie: I hope so.
Only time will tell.

Lord Voldemort walked in to check on his prisoners. Their last assignment had been a nightmare between all the bad grammar and spelling mistakes. And it seemed Mackenzie’s Inner Grammar Nazi, Gertrude, had made her entrance.

And even he, a Dark Lord, was scared of Gertrude.

But he pushed aside thoughts of the schoolmarm. He had also come in here with a purpose. An evil minion had brought to light a particularly interesting badfic.

“Hello, prisoners.”

No one answered him. Mackenzie was curled up on her bed, Lambie under an arm, sound asleep. Quatre and Sai were watching something on the television, completely enraptured. Remus was reading and Erik was composing. They were not paying attention to him at all.

Well, that wouldn’t do. He took out his air horn (a marvelous Muggle invention—though he would never admit that aloud) and let out a steady burst of noise.

“Wazzat?” Mackenzie asked, popping up. She rolled over and groaned. “Moldy Voldy. What are you doing here?”

“I have a story for you,” Voldemort said. “And don’t call me Moldy Voldy.” Mackenzie stuck her tongue out at him. He returned the gesture.

“Is this another epic story?” Remus asked, putting down his book.

“No. It only had one chapter before getting taken down. Good luck!” With that, Voldemort swept out of the room. “Damn it! I got dust bunnies on my robes. Wait till I get my hands on those…”

The siren drowned out the rest of his tirade. “We’ve got badfic sign!” Mackenzie and Quatre screamed. Everyone waited for the bookcase to swing open before running down the musty hallway. A copy of the story was already on the screen as well as Jareth.

Jareth: Looks like I’m joining you again. What’s this story?
Mac: Okay, then, Captain Laurina by…Kutakito. Lord of the Rings.


The fellowship
Mac: Capital “F” there, darling!

had been chosen and the others were just about to rise and go to leave so that Lord Elrond of Rivendell could inform the fellowship about their trip when the door banged open and a strange elleth strolled inside.
Remus: Hello, run on sentences!
Sai: Oww…
*Rumblings and clanking*
Jareth: Is that the Dwarves’ Mary Sue Alarm from What the Heck?
Erik: Yes. We had it installed.
Mac: Like we needed the alarm to tell us she’s a Sue.


Her blond hair tied in her neck with a black hat (think Jack Sparrow)
Remus: So, instead of actually describing the hat, she’s just going to make us think it looks like Jack Sparrow’s.
Quatre: Captain! Captain Jack Sparrow.
Mac: Captain! Jack Sparrow called, Laurina. He wants his hat back.
Erik: Point…
Voldemort: You can’t use the Point system!
Mac: Why not?
Voldemort: The hourglasses are broken. The house elves are working on them now.
Erik: Damn.
Mac: Last one not to bang their head?
Others: Deal.


on her head and beautiful golden eyes,
Mac: Oh dear Jonas, I may lose.

a white blouse that was slightly open revealing a pendent formed as a dragon, held by a belt with a dragon pattern where black slighly baggy pants which her bluse were tucked in.
Remus: This girl has obviously never grasped the idea of a “full stop.”

The part of her pants towards her knees were cowering in brown lether boots.
Jareth: And…thus ends the boring, pointless clothes description. They don’t get any better, do they?
Erik: You were spared the Worst Episode of Law and Order ever. Don’t complain.


She broke out in a smile upon seeing Elrond.

“El!
Mac: Gah! *Bangs head on back of chair* Ow…I’m out.

Sorry being late you know how they are, those see rats had some problem with me going” Elrond returned her smile and to everyone’s shock and confusion got up and swept the girl into a hug.
Erik: Please don’t let it be a long-lost daughter.

“It’s nice to see you again Laurina, it’s been awhile” Elrond let go of her and they could see her smile wickedly.

“Seems you haven’t told them about me” she said with a wink causing Elrond to chuckle as he saw thair looks.
*All take deep breaths*
Remus: I think Mac was smart to hit her head already.


“Everyone this is Laurina” he said with a wink
Quatre: Everyone seems to have something in their eyes.

towards her “Pirate and captain of the Menel” as he finished she removed her hat and gave a sweeping bow and stood up with a wicked grin.
*Remus bangs his head against the chair.*
Remus: I couldn’t take it anymore!
Mac: Looks like you’re now out.


“So El
Mac: Gah!
Jareth: I highly doubt a high lord like Elrond would tolerate a nickname like that.


why is it that you needed an innocent captain?” she asked with the most innocent face, which i
All: CAPITAL!

must say wasn't wery
Erik: Who is she now? Elmer Fudd?
Jareth: What?
Mac: We got ourselves a television.
Jareth: Great.


innocent, Elrond gave a very un-elvish snort.

“You, innocent?” Laurina only grinned at that. Elrond’s face turned serious once again and i must ass
*All crack up laughing.*

that the rest of the room was slightly relived at that.

“The one ring
Mac: Capitalize that too.

has been found, we are about to sent out a fellowship…” he stopped, at the last words Laurina had started to back out from the room.
Jareth: Hmm, maybe the Sue is smart.

“Nuhuh El don’t you even think about it” she said shaking her head.

“And I think it would do them great with a little help from you” he finished.
Mac (sighs): Repeat after me: You shall count to nine, nine is the number of your counting. You shall not count to ten, nor to eleven. Nine is the number of the Fellowship.

“Nay, can’t leave my crew you know, would probably burn down the ship.” They have already done it once she added silently in her head. This was met with an indignant “hey!” from one of the elves that suddenly stood stated at the door, the one to the left had blond hair and blue eyes, dressed similar to Laurina only with a blue tunic and the one to the right had dark brown hair, brown eyes and a blue tunic.
Remus: The run on sentences! Why are there so many run on sentences? WHY?
Mac: Remus, calm down!


“It was an accident!” same elf with blond hair continued.
Erik: That’s what they always say.

“I told you Káno to leave the cooking to the cook but noooo you had to make your own breakfast”
All: COMMA!

Laurina said
All: COMMA DAMMIT!

making him flush crimson
Quatre: That’s it! *Bangs head* That was for the commas!
Mac: How sweet.
Remus: You’re out, kid.


muttering something only the one next to him could hear as he broke out laughing.

“Oh shut up Astaldo” Káno snapped back to the brown haired elf who only winked in response. Káno fumingly turned towards Laurina and took a deep breath.
Erik: So…who is who?
Mac: Best guess. Astaldo is the one who hasn’t spoken yet? And Kano is the bad cook. I think.


“Laurina this is about the whole middle earth they will need you and you know this”
Quatre: Save the periods too!

Laurina glared at him and was about to respond when Astaldo butted in.

“Come on Laurina if it helps to calm your nerves I will personally watch over Káno and not let him near the kitchen” Laurina seemed to relax at this and sighed before turning towards Elrond again.

“I’ll follow El but you owe me a dinner and the ones that followed with me will stay here tonight, there is a farewell party to be made” Elrond groaned at this
Mac: So did we.

but Laurina seemingly oblivious to this as she staggered out to find her crew.
Jareth: Oh great, she has more dunderheads.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
*Mac opens mouth but Erik and Remus cover it.*
Erik: We get it. Grey ugly lines serve a purpose.


The ones in the room turned towards Elrond for answers about this strange pirate elf.
Quatre (Aragorn): So, is she crazy?
Mac (Gimli): Is she going to ignore me?
Erik (Frodo): Is she going to be more important than I?
Jareth (Legolas): Is she going to fall in love with me?
Remus (Elrond): In order, yes, yes, most likely and of course.


“Ada how come we never heard of her?” Elladan questioned.
Remus (Elrond): Because the author just came up with her!
Mac: She’s using a character that wasn’t in the movies!


“You never needed to know” Elrond answered absently,
All: Okay.

his whole lord ship had disappeared at the sight of the woman.
Erik: Wha…? *Bangs his head.* I couldn’t take it anymore.
Jareth: So, it’s now just Fish Boy and myself?
Sai: Bring it on, Goblin.


“Why are she to come, this is the work for a man”
*Mac lets out a scream*
Jareth: Are you okay?
Mac: Gertrude is in pain.


Boromir growled at Elrond making him turn around towards Boromir.
Mac: Oh, Boromir as the president of the he-man women haters club. Fun.

“That woman has a crew who would do anything for her even threw their lives for her, she are a leader and one of the best fighters on the sea.”
Mac: What does this author have against the word “is”?
Erik: “Threw their lives for her”? Can I bang my head again?


Elrond answered Boromir.

“And for why I asked her to join except that is something you will notice...” his serious face dropped.
All: What?
Mac: This has stopped making sense.
Remus: You are implying it had made sense to begin with.


“If you excuse me I have to prepare my self for the party, migraine and a hangover” and with that he left the council.
Mac: Okay, who are you and what have you done with the Lord Elrond?

“Surely it couldn’t be that bad?” Pippin asked aloud.

Oh how wrong he was…
Erik: Wow, it sporked itself.
Mac: Interesting…


0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Most of the pirates were collected; they had just finished dinner and most the crew was all in the hall of fire where music would be played.
Quatre: And then the Sue would be roasted in the fireplace.
Jareth: Someone’s gotten a bit bloodthirsty.
Mac: Uh oh…


Astaldo grinningly dragged Laurina from her place to join the others.
Sai: Astaldo must die.
Jareth: Agreed.


Grinningly the others started to play while Laurina started to dance to the strange music.

Around her elves joined her dancing and singing,
Mac: But I thought…it was strange…meaning…
Erik: You are trying to think logically m’dear.
Mac: It hurts.
*Erik, in a rare moment, gives her a one-armed hug in comfort.*


Laurina grabbed Elrond’s hand and dragged him to join in the dance,
Jareth: Err, this one doesn’t fall for Elrond, does she?
Mac: I dunno.


every single elf from Rivendell together with others who know their strict lord was stunned as he joined in the dance together with the elleth who was currently being spun by Elrond.
Jareth: And breathe.
Erik: This is bad.


Aragorn watched his adopted father with interest and shock, even Gandalf had lost his composure, what had happen to his long lost friend who never lost his composure...
Mac: He’s been possessed by a Sue! Call the PPC! They do Sue exorcisms!
Erik: What, do they exclaim, “The power of Tolkien compels thee”?
Mac: Yep.


The song ended and Elrond staggered back to his seat smiling. Aragorn was about to ask Elrond to explain when he instead was dragged up by Laurina as a new faster song was started.
Sai: She sure is getting around, isn’t she?
*Others snicker.*


She led as he wasn’t used to the music and was startled as he realised his father had done this before.
All: What?

He noted that Laurina was grinning at him and was shocked to notice that he enjoyed this strange dance, he began to lead her as he got the rhythm and spun her around.
Sai: And spun her off a cliff. End of Sue, end of story!

He was a bit disappointed as it ended but grinned as Legolas was the one being dragged up next.
Mac: Is she going to dance with ALL of them?
Erik: Well, probably not Gimli.


Laurina managed to drag every one from the fellowship except Gandalf; he had threatened her with his staff,
Quatre: He’s a smart cookie, that Gandalf.

which made her pout. As she finished the dance with Gimli
*All gasp. Jareth grabs the keyboard and hits his head.*
Jareth: The Suethor surprised me.
Sai: I won? YES!


she grinned and held up a hand to her crew, they grinned at her as they began a new rhythm and they sang.
Quatre: Hey, look, the skip button is lit up.
Sai: That hasn’t happened in a while.
Jareth: You mean the fic you’ve been sporking in my absence haven’t included songs?
Erik: Yep.
Jareth: Bugger.
Mac: It’s “Yo Ho! A Pirate’s Life for Me.” I think Disney has grounds for a lawsuit.
Remus: Just SKIP!


SKIP!

They bowed and laughed at the stunned silence that the public was swept in as the music had stopped.
Mac: They were afraid they would start singing the accursed “It’s a Small World.”

Laurina laughingly plopped down at the fellowship, Elrond and his children as her crew started to dance sing and drag other’s
Sai: Each other’s what?

up on the dance floor. They didn’t seem to care it was elf, human or dwarf much to the happiness of the dwarfs, elves aren't known to like dwarfs but there seemengly didn't care. Laurina swept some rum
Erik: More rum? It truly is the only drink these Suethors know.
Mac: Blame the Pirates of Caribbean movies.
Erik: Oh, I do.


from the bottle she had nabbed on the way to them.

“Liked the song?” she asked them with a grin. She laughed at their stupor faces.

“Can’t say you’re ain’t enjoying yourself” the hobbits smiled at her a smile which she returned. The pause she had gotten was short as she was dragged up by a young elf from her crew and she passed the rum towards Aragorn who took a sip. They watched as she was passed on from elf to elf smiling widely.
Mac: They are playing “Hot Potato Sue”!

Aragorn wouldn’t help but wonder how they would survive with this strange elleth on this trip.

He wasn’t the only one…
Erik: The readers are wondering too.
Mac: And they are left wondering.


Sorry, unhealthy obsession with pirates, hope you like, should I continue?
All: NO!


Elvish
Laurina – Golden pronounced: Lou –ree - nah
Menel-Heaven pronounced: Meh - nehl
Astaldo-Valiant pronounced: Ah- stahl- doh
Ada - father


Sai: That’s, err, nice.
Jareth: Let’s go!
*All leave*


Voldemort was waiting for them at the end. “So?” he asked.

“You are pure evil,” Mackenzie responded, arms crossed. Voldemort smiled, causing the others to shudder.

“I know. So, how is there a winner this time around?”

“Sai. He managed to go the entire chapter without banging his head,” Mackenzie explained. The Ronin Warrior puffed up his chest in pride. Erik hit him. “Stop that!” she exclaimed. “Or I’ll take your mask away!”

“Anyway,” Voldemort said over the duo’s arguing, “Sai, what do you want?”

“An aquarium! With as many fish as can possibly live there in harmony!” Sai said, eyes glowing with happiness. This time, Jareth hit him upside the head.

“Stop that,” he said. “You’re starting to look like a Sue.”

“Sorry,” Sai mumbled.

“I grant your request,” Voldemort said. “Jareth, care to join me?” The two left as Sai ran over to his new aquarium, determined to name every fish in there.
You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot

"Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical)

"Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney

"I wake in the loneliness of sunrise
When the deep purple heaven turns blue
And start to pray
As I pray each day
That I’ll hear some word from you

I lie in the loneliness of evening
Looking out on a silver-flaked sea
And ask the moon
Oh how soon, how soon
Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella


"Thank you, Lord
You have brought us
Safe to shore
Be our strength and protection ever more.
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder


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