Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Refia. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts: the Story; Ridiculous crossover
Topic Started: Aug 2 2008, 05:31 PM (1,463 Views)
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
Disclaimer: Morgoth, Boromir, Maglor, Uruk-hai, Noldor,
Nazgul, Sauron, and everything else that has anything to do with Tolkien’s
world belongs to the Tolkien Estates, and some belongs to New Line Cinema.
Tumnus the faun and Narnia belong to C.S. Lewis and to the Disney Company.
Chesterfield and Jules belong to me. This story belongs to sazza-da-vampire, an
author on fanfiction.net.


THEME SONG:

In the not-too-distant future
In the space beyond the light,
The evil dark lord Morgoth
Had a nasty scheme in sight.
He found an elf, Maglor by name:
A Noldorin bard of ancient fame.
His existence was making him quite annoyed,
So he thought that he would torture him and trap him in the Void!


MAGLOR: LET…ME…OUUUTTTTTT!

I’ll send him awful fanfics (ooh ooh!)
The worst I can find! (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And I’ll monitor his mind.
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!)
He’ll have to keep his sanity
With the help of some brand-new friends!


DAILY ROLL CALL!

MAGLOR! (WHY ME?!)
SAURON! (YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!)
CHESTERFIELD! (I’M STILL CONSCIOUS!)
TUMNUS! (OH, DEAR ASLAN!)

If you’re wondering how he found Maglor
And other useless facts (la la la!)
Just keep in mind it’s all a joke
You should really just relax–

For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000!



All night, Chesterfield's sleep was interrupted by muffled cries and heavy,
anguished sobs—not from him, but from Jules and Boromir. It was strange, for
they had started to sleep peacefully over the weekend. And he couldn't be sure,
but he thought he heard whispered words creeping into his dreams. Words like
"wolf dogs" and "Sun-child."

Finally, Chesterfield opened his eyes groggily—and his jaw dropped as he saw
why Jules and Boromir were back to their feverish ravings. Sauron, looking
crueler than ever despite his fair form, was sitting on a stool between their
beds. Every so often, he would bend over and whisper into one of the victims'
ears, always a word or phrase related to "An Elf's Love".

"Rosa Monroe," he whispered malevolently. "Auras.
Boromir is a stupid pervert. Cowardly Frodo. Lovesick Legolas. Prophesized one.
Blushing. Smiling. Nodding...
" By now Jules and Boromir were reduced
to the sobbing, quivering masses of broken humanity that they'd been earlier.
Chesterfield, remembering his own terrible experiences with that story, nearly
exploded.

"GET AWAY FROM THEM!" he yelled, lunging for Sauron, who moved deftly
aside, so that the Uruk-hai slammed into the wall. Sauron chuckled spitefully
as Chesterfield, rubbing his head, glared at the evil Maia, baring his teeth.

"Come now; surely you haven't forgotten the joys of psychological
torture?" Sauron said. "I seem to recall that you Uruks enjoyed it.
Or has Jules managed to change you into a decent American citizen?" he
added sarcastically.

"Oh, shut up!" snapped Chesterfield. "You didn't have to read
that story; you don't even know what it's like! The...the...author...turned you
into the Wicked Witch of the West!"

"Wicked Witch of the West, eh?" Sauron mused, stroking his chin.
"Well, I did once wonder how I could make flying monkeys. But the point is
this: I am being trapped on this dull satellite with one of Feanor's brats, and
this Tumnus, and you. Why shouldn't I amuse myself as I wish? I'M not one to cower
at the mention of Morgoth's name; *I* was his lieutenant. Therefore, I'll do
what I like, and no 'good versus evil' lecture will change my mind."

"It's not a question of good versus evil!" fumed Chesterfield.
"You're mentioning that...that...awful story, when you know how it almost
killed us! You'll murder us all for your own amusement; that's hardly
fair!"

"And why should I care about that?" Sauron asked, with exaggerated
patience.

"Because...because...because if you kill me and Jules and Boromir, you'll
be stuck up here reading fanfics forever—at least until Morgoth finds someone
else!" Chesterfield said, triumphantly.

Now a change came over Sauron's face. The smug look was gone, replaced by a
look so carefully neutral that Chesterfield knew that Sauron was hiding his
fear.

"Well, now, that's something to think about, is it not?" Morgoth's
former servant said finally.

Just then, Maglor barged into the room, shooting a glare at Sauron, which the
latter returned in good measure. Maglor realized that swords would do no good
against a Maia, and Sauron, bereft of his powers by the Valar at the end of the
Third Age, could not use sorcery to attack the Elf whom he called
"Feanor's brat." Therefore, the hostility between the two of them was
limited to angry words, fierce looks, and quite a few blows, but Tumnus and
Chesterfield found it annoying after a while.

"Morgoth's calling right now," Maglor told the two of them.

With a surprisingly shrill and girlish scream, Sauron leaped up, looking almost
guilty. Maglor laughed rather unpleasantly, which prompted Sauron to pick up a
baseball bat and crack the Noldo over the wrist. Glaring wrathfully, Maglor
chased Sauron out of the room. Chesterfield shook his head; sometimes it seemed
as if they really WERE losing their minds, as Morgoth wished.

He followed the two enemies into the main room and found Tumnus there as well,
looking anxious, as well he might.

"Oh, hello, Snaga," Morgoth greeted Sauron quite pleasantly.

"It's SAURON," snapped the Maia, abruptly dropping the baseball bat
with a clatter onto the floor. He seemed embarrassed that his former master had
caught him in such an undignified position.

"All the same to me," Morgoth said, not losing his cheerful demeanor.
"Glad to see you back in your old subordinate position to me."

"I should say I was more successful than you!" Sauron said, beginning
to lose his temper. "Every time *I* died, I managed to come back, but YOU?
After one attack by the Valar, you were THROUGH!"

"I don't think I need to remind you who's up on the satellite right
now," Morgoth retorted, causing Sauron to clench his fists in rage,
"but never mind that. Your new story today is called 'The Fellowship Hits
Hogwarts,' by a girl with the interesting penname of sazza-da-vampire. It's a Harry
Potter and Arda crossover, and I am sure you'll..."

He was interrupted by a loud chorus of groans.

Morgoth laughed inwardly at his victims' reaction, but he pretended to be
shocked. "Now, now; do you not think you'd better read the story first
before you judge it?"

"We've already read a THOUSAND stories like it!" Tumnus complained.
"They're all the same; there's no suspense left!"

"I can sum up the 'plot' of one of those things in a few words,"
added Sauron. "Harry Potter finds out that Dumbledore was Gandalf's
brother. He, Ron, and Hermione travel to Arda to help Frodo destroy my Ring.
Meanwhile, Voldemort has teamed up with me—I, who have never shared power in my
life!—to 'cover all the universes in darkness' or some such nonsense. Or else
Voldemort's seventh Horcrux turns out to be MY Ring—which is just ludicrous,
since I put no one's soul into it but my own—and then as soon as my Ring is
destroyed, so is Voldemort, and everyone is happy, and Hermione has sex with
Legolas. Do we REALLY have to read it all over again?"

"Oh, this one is different; I guarantee it," Morgoth said in a tone
which would have been reassuring, had he not been known for lying constantly.

"I wouldn't count on it," groused Sauron, turning his face away.

"Now, no arguments!" Morgoth said, with painfully-fake jollity.
"The fic is already on its way, so into the theater with you! Chop, chop,
before I have to do something you'll all regret!"

At that moment, the lights began flashing. "We've got fanfic sign!"
yelled Chesterfield, as he and his companions ran into the theater.



“This means English or the common tongue”

SAURON: What the...
MAGLOR (sigh): English is NOT the common tongue.
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, moving on...


This means Sindarin

TUMNUS: Is that clear?
CHESTERFIELD: Super-Emphasis.com, anyone?


A/N: The language bracelets translate anything heard or said by the wearer,
between English and the common tongue.

ALL: HUH?!
SAURON: What in Morgoth's name is a language bracelet?


If for example Merry has one on but Pippin doesn’t, Pippin will hear Merry in
English and not understand, but Merry will still understand Pippin.

*Silence*
MAGLOR: Merry, Pippin, Merry, Pippin...that's all I could understand from that.
TUMNUS (helplessly): What is she talking about?


Complicated, I know.

CHESTERFIELD: So EXPLAIN it better, instead of making your goddamn excuses.
Geez.


Legolas and Aragorn’s native tongue is Sindarin,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, HELL, no.
MAGLOR: ARAGORN'S native tongue?!


and so when they speak to others it is in Common,

SAURON: No! You mean they don't just talk Sindarin to make the entire
Fellowship feel excluded?


but when they speak like this it is

MAGLOR: Painfully annoying.

in Sindarin,

MAGLOR: Oh.

and only Legolas, Aragorn and Gandalf understand. Frodo knows a tiny bit, but
is not fluent.

TUMNUS: You know, if I was dreading reading this thing before, these
author's notes are making it worse.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, come on, Tumnus; isn't it just like reading a famous novel,
where the author blabbers on and on about how to read the book, as if we were
all kindergarteners?


Legolas opened his eyes, and looked around.

SAURON (steamed): NOT AGAIN!!! WHY ARE ALL THESE GODDAMN FICS TOLD FROM
LEGOLAS'S POINT OF VIEW?!!! BY ELVISH STANDARDS, HE'S BLOODY WHITE TRASH!!!
MAGLOR (enraged): HEAR, HEAR!!
CHESTERFIELD: Wow; who taught you the phrase "white trash," Sauron?


He seemed to be lying flat on the ground of a circular room,

TUMNUS (as Legolas): Oh, no, did I get drunk and pass out in the Jefferson
Memorial again?


and he noticed that the entire Fellowship was there too,

CHESTERFIELD (hick accent): Well, I'll be hog-tied to a tadpole.

sans Gandalf.

MAGLOR: Of course. You see, it's always better to have the ugly old man out
of the story immediately, so the teenage author can lust after her favorite
characters without anyone NOT CUTE getting in her way.
TUMNUS: Gimli's going to disappear next, isn't he?


Strange. Legolas thought.

SAURON: I can't even remember my own name...oh, wait; that's normal...

His memories were starting to come back now;

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Uh...Minas Tirith is the capital of Gondor, two
plus two equals...um...er...


there had been a large crack in one of the walkways in Moria.

TUMNUS: There had been a dwarf skeleton sitting nearby too, and some arrows.
However, he still couldn't remember his name or why he was stuck with four
hairy-footed midgets.


But we all fell, he thought in confusion.

MAGLOR (as Legolas, confused): But the sky is blue!
SAURON (grin): Sounds like that Balrog exerted a little extra energy.


When Gimli jumped, I grabbed his beard,

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Hey, Gimli! Watch me use your beard to
bungee-jump...Aaaaah!


but we both went down the chasm.

MAGLOR (disgustedly): Legolas Thranduillion, newest Darwin-award-winner.

I looked up, and saw the rest of the walkway topple and fall,

*laughter*
SAURON: For Legolas, having overdosed on chocolate éclairs and pork rinds, had
pulled the rest of the bridge down with his weight.


bringing the rest down with me and the Dwarf.

TUMNUS (as Gimli): I was right! Never trust an elf!
CHESTERFIELD: Meh, Gimli probably died, and he's conveniently out of the fic.


Odd. I should be dead.

SAURON: Sheesh; doesn't it even occur to him that he's in the Halls of
Mandos?
MAGLOR: Sauron, you fool, sazza-da-vampire doesn't even know who Mandos is.


Gandalf was talking to another old wizard,

SAURON (as Gandalf): Well, about time, Radagast! So you FINALLY decided to
show up and help?!


Albus Dumbledore

TUMNUS: Wait for it...
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, sazza-da-vampire, you wouldn't...surely you have to be more
creative than that...you WOULDN'T...


who happened to be his younger brother.

ALL: NO!
MAGLOR (clutching his forehead): I saw it coming from the very beginning.
CHESTERFIELD: Not again!


They had been separated many years ago

TUMNUS: Their lives are six thousand years APART, dear. OF COURSE they were
separated.


when Gandalf, known as Aberforth at the time,

SAURON (laughing): So Gandalf had an unhealthy obsession with goats. That
WOULD explain a great deal.


had chosen the path of the Istar, rather than that of Earth’s Wizards.

MAGLOR (incredulous): This is...a little ridiculous. So Dumbledore talked to
Iluvatar and convinced him to send him to the future? He managed to convince
the Valar that teaching brats how to do magic was more important than defeating
the current evil?
SAURON (groan): It's ParallelUniverse!Arda again. When will these people ever
learn?
CHESTERFIELD: You know, I kind of thought being an Istar wasn't volunteer work;
I thought the Valar CHOSE the Istari.
TUMNUS (amazed): So this is Middle-Earth canon rape. You have my sympathies.


They had apparently all nine fallen from the roof,

MAGLOR: Oh, yes; that's what's at the bottom of the chasm of Moria:
Hogwarts. THAT'S where the Balrogs lived.
SAURON: Well, except it only appeared on Thursdays, something like the Room of
Requirement.


and Dumbledore had only been able to rouse Gandalf.

CHESTERFIELD (as Dumbledore, singing): RISE AND SHINE, AND GIVE GOD THE
GLORY, GLORY; RISE AND SHINE, AND GIVE GOD THE GLORY, GLORY...
TUMNUS (shuddering): That would be a terrifying way to wake up.


“I think I heard movement in the outer office.” Dumbledore commented.

CHESTERFIELD: "Ignore it; it's probably Filch and Mrs. Norris getting
it on..."
*everyone looks at him*
CHESTERFIELD: What? Boris is gone; I can have my fun if I want to!


“Indeed,” Gandalf returned,

CHESTERFIELD: "Don't worry; I do the same thing with goats, if you'll
remember correctly..."
MAGLOR (cringe): Look here, Chesterfield: don't abuse your privilege.


and they walked through from Dumbledore’s inner office to his large outer one.

SAURON: Yes, Dumbledore's two office. See, he used the OUTER one for meeting
with students and the inner one for yoga, karaoke, and looking at porn.


Movement, indeed. More like a stunned Elf.

ALL: STUPEFY!

Gandalf thought, upon seeing that Legolas had come round,

TUMNUS: Hmmm; Legolas was chasing his tail again...he STILL didn't realize
that he didn't HAVE a tail...


and was staring in shock around him.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Uhhhh...what's that line from "The Wizard
of...ummmm...errrrr..."


I should be dead! Legolas said to Gandalf.

SAURON: Well, if you want to be dead THAT badly, Legolas... (brandishes
dagger)


How are any of us alive after falling in Moria,

CHESTERFIELD: "Statler and Waldorf caught us at the bottom."
*fourth wall rumbles*
MAGLOR (shaking his head): Watch the wall...it's taken quite a beating from all
your inside jokes.


and how did we get here?

TUMNUS (as Gandalf): By flying Delta Airlines.

No idea Gandalf replied happily.

MAGLOR: So...why in Eru's name is he HAPPY about this?
SAURON: Two words, Maglor: Old Toby.


But my brother Albus Dumbledore and I can devise a way to get to Lothlorien,

CHESTERFIELD: It's going to be a bit difficult, since he has no idea
where Lothlorien is—in fact, he believes it doesn't exist—but where there's a
will, there's a way!


However it will take a ridiculously long time.

CHESTERFIELD: Case in point...
SAURON (as Gandalf): But we don't need to worry! It's not like we have anything
important we're carrying with us...oh, wait...


How can you say something like that so happily? Legolas moaned.

SAURON (as Gandalf): Well, I've been avoiding Galadriel ever since she
caught me relieving myself in her Mirror five hundred years ago...tell NO ONE
about this...
MAGLOR (as Gandalf, happily): 'Cause this gives me the perfect opportunity to
practice more inappropriate charms on goats!


Ignoring the query, as he couldn’t understand,

TUMNUS: Probably true, as he's supposed to be DEAD at this point.

Dumbledore stated "I have a little invention called a Language bracelet,

CHESTERFIELD (as Dumbledore, perky little girl): They're just like
friendship bracelets! Make 'em with cool beads and AWESOME colors! Trade them
with your friends! Look totally stylin'!


as you can see I am wearing one,

MAGLOR (as Dumbledore): Will you wear one proudly too, in support of the
Madame de Belle Memorial Fund for the Protection of Molested Veela?


and it allows one to understabd your Common Tongue.

TUMNUS: "Understabd"? Sounds as if Dumbledore's getting a cold.
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, that's a...APPALLINGLY LAZY way to get past the language
barrier.
MAGLOR: At least this time there IS a language barrier.


You will find that we don’t speak Sindarin here, nor your Common tongue,

SAURON: "But we offer correspondence courses in Black Speech, Adunaic,
and Quenya."


so they could prove helpful. Welcome to Hogwarts!"

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, good Lord...
TUMNUS: Could you make this scene a LITTLE cheesier, please?


"Hogwarts?" Legolas asked, taking the proffered bracelet.

SAURON: Which promptly blew him to tiny bits.
CHESTERFIELD: Here's a lesson, kids: NEVER take food—or jewelry—from strangers.


"Pray tell, what is Hogwarts?"

MAGLOR: "They're warts on pigs, you incompetent Avari moron!"
SAURON (grin): Why, Maglor, do I detect a hint of bitterness about Legolas?
MAGLOR (scowl): Well, how would YOU like it if you and your family were
upstaged in every fanfic by this...this...fool?


"Hogwarts is this place, this school for young witches and wizards!"

TUMNUS (as Legolas): Well, goodness, you don't have to yell.

They all turned to Frodo as he spoke.

CHESTERFIELD: "How the hell do YOU know this, Frodo?!"

"Ow!" Frodo complained. "Is this Death?"

SAURON (scowl): Unfortunately not, unless Voldemort shows up to give the
Ring to me...I STILL say that's what will happen...


"No Frodo, we have been transported somehow to my brother’s school."
Gandalf said calmly.

MAGLOR (as Frodo): Um...Gandalf? Seeing as how I have this Ring, and I feel
its power growing all the time, and this Nazgul wound hasn't healed, this
situation might as well be Death.
TUMNUS (as Frodo): Thanks, Gandalf; that makes me feel so much better.


"Our other companions seem to be regaining consciousness at last."

CHESTERFIELD (as Dumbledore): Damn, and I didn't even get to sing them
"The Song that Never Ends"!


Indeed they were, and Merry was quick to make his confusion known.

SAURON (as Merry): Auntie Em, is that you? ...has anyone seen my little dog?


"This isn’t the deep dark or death! Where am I!

TUMNUS (as Gandalf, monotone): Please state that in the form of a question,
Mr. Brandybuck.


Pippin! Thank the Valar I’m not alone!"

MAGLOR (frustrated): How can somebody who knows about the Valar write this?!
SAURON (rolling his eyes): She DOESN'T know about the Valar; she's read the
name somewhere on the internet, and she's using it to placate the Arda scholars
who would otherwise rush in to tear her to shreds.


High Elven laughter reached Merry and Pippin’s ears,

ALL (falsetto): HEE, HEE, HEE, HEE, HEE!

accompanied by the lower pitched laughing of Gandalf and Dumbledore.

*laughter*
CHESTERFIELD: Since when has "Elven" become synonymous with "No
balls"?


"Merry you fool, we’re somehow not dead!

TUMNUS: But...but...Dumbledore is dead! How can they possibly...?
MAGLOR: Hush! I don't even want to know!


Don’t you see we’re all here?"

CHESTERFIELD (sazza-da-vampire): Yeah, like LOL!11 All my favorite HAWT
characters are like HERE so I can LUST over them!!!11


Looking around sheepishly, Merry blushed.

*everyone bleats like sheep*

Pippin saw Dumbledore, and immediately asked, "Who’s that?"

SAURON (as Gandalf): Why, it's an annoying old coot who's trying to pass
himself off as my brother.


"I am Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts and Gandalf’s
brother."

TUMNUS: Yes, THANK you; we know he's his brother! You don't have to drum
this into our heads!
MAGLOR (grumpily): Gandalf has no brothers; Gandalf NEEDS no brothers.


Because he was wearing a Language bracelet, Dumbledore’s words were understood
by all.

CHESTERFIELD (confused): Didn't we already establish that fact two
paragraphs ago?


"Let’s wait for the rest to wake up, and then we can decide what to do.

SAURON: "Until then, let's have a couple of friendly games of
Monopoly...described in detail by the author, of course."


It will take almost a year to create a way to Middle Earth,

ALL (in horror): A YEAR?!
MAGLOR: Sauron's power would have spread clear to the Grey Havens by then!!


and we want to make it precise, preferably either Lothlorien or Mount Doom
itself.

CHESTERFIELD (exasperated): Look, Gandalf, if it takes a year, there won't
BE a Lothlorien! Not that *I* mind, but why are you so fuckin' dense in this
story?!


Ah, look, Aragorn’s up!" Gandalf said loudly.

TUMNUS (as Harry Potter): Who's that yelling in Dumbledore's office?
SAURON (as Ron Weasely): And who the hell is Aragorn?


Once all the Fellowship was awake, all having similarly confused reactions to
not being dead or under deep water,

MAGLOR: Which, thank Eru, sazza-da-vampire didn't describe in specific
detail...
TUMNUS (confused): "Under deep water"? In Moria?


proper counsel was held.

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): All right, here's the situation: we're stuck
thousands of years in the future, it will take us at least a year to go back in
time, the Ring is here and could potentially fall into enemy hands as well as
killing Frodo, Sauron isn't going to wait until we get back to attack Minas
Tirith, and then Rohan, and then Eriador...in short, we're fucked, and so is
Middle-Earth.


"These are Language Bracelets,

ALL: WHAT?!
SAURON (laughing hysterically): You're stuck in the future and leaving
Middle-Earth in danger and you're talking about the LANGUAGE BRACELETS?!


they let us understand each other and others at this school,

MAGLOR: "Yes, sazza-da-vampire already told us that THREE TIMES, thank
you very much."


if you don’t want what you say to be understood, simply pull the band off your
wrist.

TUMNUS (ad): SO GET DOWN TO THE SHOP AND BUY YOUR LANGUAGE BRACELETS TODAY!!
NOW, BEFORE I HAVE TO DESCRIBE THEM AGAIN!!!


There we go!" Gandalf said happily.

CHESTERFIELD: Look, this isn't funny anymore; WHY is Gandalf so happy?
MAGLOR (shudder): A slap-happy Olorin is NOT something I ever wanted to
picture.


After each had slipped their bracelets on, Dumbledore proclaimed, "Alas,
you would all be extremely noticeable were you to stay at Hogwarts.

SAURON (laughing): Sorry...they would be noticeable at HOGWARTS? Among
house-elves and hippogriffs and giants and greasy-haired teachers? Come on.


However, I may have a solution.” Everyone looked up at this,

TUMNUS (as Dumbledore): Aragorn, Gimli, and Boromir are scruffy enough to become
pub keepers in Hogsmeade, the hobbits, if they wear shoes, can pass themselves
off as students, and Legolas...well...er...Legolas can dress in drag and become
a barmaid.


“All of you except the Dwarf,

MAGLOR: Oh, dear Iluvatar, NO!
CHESTERFIELD (groan): What's he being excluded from THIS time?


forgive me, your name is Gimli right?

SAURON: "You'll have to excuse me; you're simply not good-looking
enough for me to remember your name."


Yes, well the rest of you all have magical talent in this world’s type of
magic.

ALL: WHAT?!
SAURON: How can the hobbits, Aragorn, and Boromir have this talent and not
Gimli?!
TUMNUS: WHY do these Suethors NEVER respect the dwarfs?!
CHESTERFIELD: WHY does Gimli get such a hard time just because he isn't cute?!
MAGLOR: WHAT part of "Dwarves were strong, hardy, and wise, and should be
respected for their wonderful works in stone and metals" DON'T these
Suethors understand?!


As it will take almost a year to get you back home, we could bring you into
this school as transfer students.

MAGLOR: Oh. Dear. Iluvatar. NO. Just...no.
CHESTERFIELD: Geez, is Hogwarts the whole extent of Harry Potter's wizarding
world?
TUMNUS: By now Hogwarts has taken in more transfer students than English
students.


Gimli could be our Groundskeeper’s helper, which is pretty much working outside with the animals and the grounds.

*everyone groans*
SAURON (false cheerfulness): Oh, this is perfect! Both Gimli and Hagrid are
clumsy and hairy, and now they can be clumsy and hairy together!


The school year begins in a week, and we could give you a crash course to get
you up to standards,

MAGLOR: "Of course, you might die from learning magic so quickly,
seeing as how it normally takes seven years to become a great wizard, but that
should be the least of your worries."


what do you say?"

ALL: "NO! A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!!"

After a chorus of "Yes, let’s!" from the hobbits

CHESTERFIELD: And...again, it's the four-person hobbit choir!
SAURON: That's because the author can't tell them apart.


and a "only if the groundskeeper likes me,"

MAGLOR: "Do you think I should give him a dog biscuit?"

Dumbledore proceeded to say; "There is one problem, that being your age.

CHESTERFIELD: "We don't have special needs classes at Hogwarts,
so...Aragorn and Boromir, do you think you could pass yourselves off as
eleven-year-olds who have overdosed on steroids?"


All the seventh years are seventeen or eighteen,

TUMNUS: Yes...what's your point?
SAURON (deadpan): Don't tell me.


so I can cast a spell on you all to appear younger.

SAURON: Ha. I knew it.
MAGLOR: Wait...since they've received no magical training, wouldn't it make
more sense for Dumbledore to turn them into first years—eleven-year-olds?
CHESTERFIELD: No, that wouldn't work; then they wouldn't be old enough to shag
those lucky Hogwarts girls.
TUMNUS: Why don't they just get JOBS in the magical world and remain ADULTS?!


The young Hobbits will only require a small amount."

TUMNUS: Er...Pippin is twenty-nine, sazza-da-vampire.

Legolas groaned loudly, muttering in Sindarin,

CHESTERFIELD: Hmmm...Maglor, since you know Sindarin, could you translate it
for us?
MAGLOR: Well, let's see; he was muttering something to the effect of, "Oh,
no; I can't figure out this situation...thinking makes my head hurt!"


too quiet for any but Aragorn, sitting beside him, to hear, before speaking
loudly,

SAURON (as Legolas): A RED SUN RISES!!
TUMNUS (as Legolas): THE RING MUST BE DESTROYED!!


"I will not in any circumstance be brought to the age of eighteen again!

CHESTERFIELD: "It reminds me of my tragic past where my cruel, nasty
father beat me and insulted me, and even Aragorn's friendship couldn't console
me, and I was captured and sold into slavery in Harad, and raped by orcs, and
only Anastasia Maria Sarah Elphaba von Sparrow-Turner, half-elf princess of
Babylon, could comfort me, and we flew off into the sunset on her magical
flying pink unicorn..."


I embarrassed myself too many times because I was so young for anyone to tell
about in a year!

TUMNUS: Er...what?
MAGLOR: "And to add insult to injury, nobody can even understand what I'm
saying!"


Not happening!"

*everyone winces*
CHESTERFIELD: Look, nobody says "Not happening" in Arda; believe me,
I know.


"It can’t be too long ago, I doubt you’ll feel any different."

*Maglor whistles*
SAURON: BURN!
CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Grow a beard, you eunuch.


"Actually, that was almost three thousand years ago, and I’m still teased
by my brothers!"

SAURON: Great Morgoth; EVERYBODY in Arda is getting stuck with brothers they
never really had!


Dumbledore actually stared. Stopped, and stared, open mouthed.

TUMNUS (as Dumbledore): No...no, it can't be...Minerva and SEVERUS?! That's
disgusting!


"Three thousand years?" He repeated in disbelief.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, come on, Dumbledore; Gandalf's age is in the billions!
So is yours, according to sazza-da-vampire!


"I am an Elf." Legolas said this as though it explained everything.

MAGLOR (as Dumbledore): Well, down to the kitchen with you, then!
CHESTERFIELD: I'm sensing culture shock here.


Aragorn came to the rescue. "Elves live forever, unless they die in battle
or of grief."

SAURON (as Legolas): Oh, thanks, Aragorn; stop speaking for me! Just because
I always state the obvious doesn't mean I'm stupid!


"Aye, and I am still considered around the same as a twenty-year old
human. Joy."

MAGLOR: That's because you ACT like a twenty-year-old human, Legolas.
TUMNUS: No, in this fic he's acting like a NINE-year-old human.


"Wow." Dumbledore whispered.

SAURON (sternly): Powerful wizards and Maiar do not say "Wow."
CHESTERFIELD: So Gandalf's his brother and yet he's never even TOLD him about
his own world?!


"May I meet this groundskeeper, Sir?" Gimli asked.

TUMNUS: "Can we stop drooling over the girly elf for at least two
minutes?"


"Of course," Dumbledore replied. "Come with me and I’ll
introduce you all. However,

MAGLOR: "Sign this warrant first, in case any of Hagrid's bloodthirsty
pets inadvertently kills you."


perhaps I should first give you all the antidote for the ageing potion,

CHESTERFIELD: "Antidote"? They didn't even TAKE the fuckin' Ageing
Potion! What do they need the antidote for?!
SAURON: Just call it "youth potion," sazza-da-vampire; it isn't that
difficult.


if you each take a specific amount, you will be back to eighteen on the dot.

MAGLOR (incredulously): This antidote to the Ageing Potion works better than
the Ageing Potion itself.
CHESTERFIELD: Well, sazza-da-vampire didn't want to cause new conflicts by
having the Fellowship shrink down to babies or something...


Legolas, we may have to use trial and error to find out how much." At this
Legolas paled.

TUMNUS (as Legolas): Doesn't the fact that I ACT like a child count for
anything? MUST I take this potion?


Dumbledore threw a handful of green powder from a pouch on the mantelpiece onto
the fire,

SAURON (as Dumbledore): But we'll worry about that later. Right now, it's
time for a good old afternoon of Satan-worship.


it turned green, and he yelled into it,

TUMNUS (as Dumbledore): WHY AM I TALKING TO FIRE?!

“Severus Snape, my office, now!”

CHESTERFIELD: Geez; Dumbledore never really seemed like the
slave-driver-type to me.


A moment later a dark, unsavoury type of person appeared,

*everyone chokes and spits*
MAGLOR: That person tasted so unsavory!


spinning, within the flames. He stepped out, and said to Dumbledore,

TUMNUS: "How are you, you senile old coot...oh! Did I say that out
loud?"


“You’re lucky in your timing, I only just got back from a particularly
demanding meeting, I am growing tired of acting.

SAURON (in shock): Snape, you idiot; you're giving yourself away!

Who are they?”
“They are friends of mine,

CHESTERFIELD: "And that's all you need to know, my little oily
slave!"


and we require a large amount of the antidote to ageing potion, right now!

MAGLOR (as Snape): Look here, Dumbledore; I'm your potions master, not your
bloody messenger boy! I'd never have to do this for Vol...er...forget what I
started to say.


And if you see Hagrid, tell him to come here, please.”

TUMNUS (as Snape): Why don't you just call him through Floo powder as you
did with me?! That's what the stuff's there for!


“Yes, Professor. Nice bracelet.” He said sarcastically.

SAURON (amazed): How could Dumbledore cow him that fast?
CHESTERFIELD: Geez; he's reduced to third-grade-level sarcasm.


As soon as he was gone, Pippin said rather loudly, "I don’t like him at
all, the greaseball."

TUMNUS: Oh, that Pippin; he's so mature.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "The usual snide comment is the slimeball.
Greaseball, that’s one he hasn’t been called in years."

CHESTERFIELD: "Not since Durin and his dwarves fell into Hogwarts from
Moria, in fact."


"He is a double agent in a great war,

SAURON (as Dumbledore, childishly): Well, I don't care; I still trust him!

each side thinks he is spying on the other, but he has been brought back to the
side he once left." Legolas pronounced solemnly.

*everyone clutches their foreheads*
TUMNUS: Now Legolas has to ruin the end of the series?!
MAGLOR: How does he even KNOW?!


Aragorn quickly explained.

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Every so often, Legolas gets into the hobbits'
Old Toby, and it makes him say stuff like this. Just ignore him.


"Elves can see through to people’s hearts with just a glance when they
try,

MAGLOR (indignantly): They can NOT! It takes years of practice...and WISE
elves! Legolas couldn't see through to the heart of a corpse!
SAURON: Nor are they telepathic, for Morgoth's sake.


but they seem to make a game out of figuring out the meaning behind each others
words.

MAGLOR: Well, I wouldn't say THAT...
TUMNUS (random elf): Everybody sit down! We're going to play a game of
"Figuring out the Meaning behind Each Other's Words!"


There’s little point asking him to explain, Valar knows I found that out the
hard way."

CHESTERFIELD: "He got a raging headache from thinking too much; it took
forever to heal him."


Legolas looked at Dumbledore and said, plainly for once,

TUMNUS: "A diversion!"
SAURON: "They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!"


"He is to be trusted, his loyalty lies with you, not the Dark Lord."

CHESTERFIELD: Yes, and doesn't he just show it by how much he sucks up to
Dumbledore?
SAURON: I think sazza-da-vampire just can't stand the thought of good old
Sevvy-wevvy being evil.
MAGLOR: How would Legolas know this, anyway?


The subject of his statement entered the room soon after,

ALL: WAH WAH WAH!!!

this time via the door, holding a large vial of purplish liquid in one hand,
and a vial of clear liquid in the other.

TUMNUS (as Snape, aside): Heh, heh; I've secretly mixed poison hemlock into
the purplish one! Dumbledore's "friends" will never call me names or
give away my secrets again!


“I took the liberty of bringing the Veritaserum also, Professor."
“Thank you.”
With a murderous look at Aragorn, Snape left.

CHESTERFIELD (as Snape): I'M the greasiest, most unwashed man in the school!
NO ONE takes that honor away from me!


"Obviously doesn’t trust you.

MAGLOR (sarcastically): Oh, do you really think so? *I* rather believe that
his gruff exterior hides a warm, caring heart.


This" Dumbledore held up the clear liquid, "is a truth serum, the
strongest existing.

ALL (as Fellowship): Could you possibly explain to us what a truth serum IS?


This, however," he held up the purple one, "will drop your physical
ages.

SAURON (as Aragorn): Great! Now Arwen won't be disappointed in my sexual
performance...uh...I mean...bloody hell.


How old are you?" Dumbledore turned to Frodo.
"Fifty-one in a few months.”

TUMNUS (rolling his eyes): That's "fifty" for all those who don't
speak "excessive wordiness".


Dumbledore tipped a carefully measured amount into a small tumbler, and told
Frodo to drink it.

MAGLOR (as Frodo): Er...that's quite thoughtful of you, Dumbledore, but I
asked for a diet Coke.


"Can’t I wait until the others do?" he asked fearfully.

CHESTERFIELD (as Frodo): Sorry; I've just gone into my "witless,
cowardly, deer-in-a-car's-headlights" mode again; it ALWAYS happens in
these fics...


"Not a problem, Frodo." Dumbledore replied.

SAURON (as Dumbledore): Stuff like that happens, Frodo; sometimes I go into
my "evil, stupid old man who misunderstands Voldemort and Snape"
mode; it's a pain in the arse...


After asking each member of the Fellowship, barring Gandalf and Gimli, their age and giving them a carefully measured amount,

CHESTERFIELD (as Dumbledore): Sorry, it's a milliliter over the mark; I have
to pour it out over again...


while Legolas had around the same as Pippin, for, if he were human, his age
would only have to be dropped a few years,

*Silence*
SAURON: Did you catch any logic in that passage besides "Legolas is very,
very young for an elf"?
MAGLOR: No.


Dumbledore told them all to drink.

CHESTERFIELD: "Sometimes the poison's on the
bottom...duh-huh-huh..."


They did, and looked at each other in horror as they began to grow younger
before their very eyes.

SAURON: "Oh, no, I'm getting acne again! Argh; my hair is greasy and
I'm not even Aragorn! Oh, bloody, my voice is getting higher!"


"Wow," Pippin exclaimed. "That was awesome,

CHESTERFIELD (as Pippin): It was a totally awesome, radical, groovy and far-out
experience, man!
MAGLOR (angrily): Stop making the characters from Arda talk in American slang!!


and Aragorn, you look so different."

TUMNUS: "Your hair...it's even oilier than it was before."

The Man in question scowled,

SAURON (as Aragorn): NOW what will Arwen say?

and said to Legolas, Beware, I am once again eighteen!

TUMNUS: I'm talking in underlined text again!
CHESTERFIELD: Well, at least I'm still legal...


Remember the incident with the frozen lake?

MAGLOR (as Legolas): I'd prefer NOT to, thanks.

I feel a sudden urge to see if you’re still as gullible!

SAURON: The word "gullible" is written on the door!

No no no no no no no no no no no no

CHESTERFIELD: So your vote is "no," then, Legolas?

not happening! If you try that one again I will actually kill you, I will
show no mercy!


TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Oh, Legolas, you can't do that! Why, we're practically
like brothers or lovers; we played together when we were young! Actually, we're
NOT, and we DIDN'T...


Need I tell about your first visit to my home?

MAGLOR: You were almost eaten by a giant spider! It was hilarious!

The tables seemed to have turned,

SAURON: And the dinner was ruined.

Legolas now had the evil gleam in his eyes,

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas, maliciously): Ha, ha; I enjoy inflicting pain!

and Aragorn was suddenly fearful, shaking his head and saying over and over
again, "NO!"

CHESTERFIELD (Ator): Noooo...NOOOO!
SAURON (scornful): "Brave king"? He's been cowed by an effeminate
wood-elf! What a wimp!


Dumbledore pointed his ‘wand’ at Legolas,

ALL: URRRRGHHH!
MAGLOR: Oh, Dumbledore, no!


who suddenly froze,

CHESTERFIELD: Before kneeling down and vomiting up everything he'd ever
eaten.


his hair cut in a rather cute style,

MAGLOR (sickened): Dumbledore's penis is sharp enough to cut hair?
TUMNUS: I think sazza-da-vampire meant Dumbledore's actual magic wand.
MAGLOR: So why did she use the inverted commas, then?
TUMNUS: Oh, I don't know.


which looked positively dashing with his bright gold hair.

*everyone vomits*
CHESTERFIELD: KEEP YOUR LUST TO YOURSELF!


"Why did you do that?" Legolas asked, his voice deadly quiet.

MAGLOR (deadly quiet): Why indeed.

"It is customary for Elves to have long hair, and I was quite attached to
mine."

*everyone groans*
SAURON: Ba-dum-CHING!


"You would stand out too much,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, right, because long hair on men is absolutely taboo in the
wizarding world. We'll just conveniently forget about Dumbledore's and Snape's
and Sirius's long hair.
TUMNUS: Indeed.


and people would question your gender, typically."

*everyone except Maglor laughs*
MAGLOR (disgustedly): I can tolerate these "girly elf" jokes no more.
Why can fanfic authors not understand that long hair is quite normal on elves?


He then turned his wand on Boromir, who ended up with a mullet,

CHESTERFIELD: Boromir with a...with a mullet?
SAURON: I can't even picture that.


but Dumbledore reconsidered when he heard everyone else yell in disgust at the
style.

TUMNUS: So...long, unwashed hair and beards are all right, but mullets are
not?
MAGLOR: There is no accounting for tastes, is there?


"Fine," he muttered, flicking the wand, and changing Boromir’s hair
to a short, spiky cut.

CHESTERFIELD (groan): Oh, Boromir with a punk haircut...that's even worse.

He then turned his wand on Aragorn, who landed with a short, but nice, haircut
that suited his wavy dark brown hair.

SAURON: Oh, thanks. Did I ever say I cared? Because, frankly, I don't.
MAGLOR: Does anybody but me notice the favoritism in this fic? Aragorn and
Legolas get good-looking haircuts, and Boromir gets a hideous one?


Gimli hadn’t taken the potion, and also didn’t need a ‘proper’ haircut, as he
wasn’t going to be a student.

CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): And sazza-da-vampire's imagination isn't
good enough to turn Gimli into a teenage boy...'cause that's just sick, lol!!11


Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo were allowed to keep their ‘Hobbit-cuts’

TUMNUS: "Hobbit-cuts"? "Hobbit-cuts"?
SAURON: Can you imagine walking into a barber shop and asking for a
"Hobbit-cut"?


because they were at least similar to the wizards at Hogwarts.

MAGLOR: Er...apart from the facts that they were much shorter and had hairy
feet? Yes, they were quite similar.


"Excellent! Let’s go find Hagrid, and introduce you all!

CHESTERFIELD: "Maybe he'll be friendly enough to hump your legs and
lick your faces!"


Then we shall go down to Diagon Alley to buy your school supplies, you can use
the funding we keep for less wealthy students."

*Silence*
TUMNUS: So some poor, poverty-stricken students are going to be kept away from
Hogwarts because nine men from another time—who DON'T EVEN NEED SCHOOL—have to
amuse themselves before Gandalf can get up enough energy to get them back home.
MAGLOR (amazed): This is not Dumbledore. I don't know who it is, but anybody
who reads "Harry Potter" could tell you that this isn't Dumbledore.


Dumbledore rummaged about in one of his numerous cabinets

CHESTERFIELD (as Dumbledore): Hmmm...sputtering silver instruments, phoenix
chow, moldy Chocolate Frogs, magical flavored condoms...


until he pulled out seven identical cloth bags, presumably containing money.

SAURON (deadpan): Dumbledore keeps his money—his funding for poor
students—in cupboards in his office. In BAGS.


He then handed them out, and when Sam opened his

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, here's Sam at last! I was wondering if he was wearing an
invisibility cloak!
MAGLOR: Or if he'd gone into a corner to sulk about his lack of
"hawtness".


to look at a fat, round, Galleon, their theory was proved correct.

*all facefault*

"That is a Galleon. The silver are Sickles and the bronze Knuts. Seventeen
Sickles to a Galleon, twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle.

TUMNUS: And you don't need to TELL us that; if we cared, we could read
"Harry Potter" again!


Simple, really.

MAGLOR: "Well, except for Legolas..."
SAURON (as Legolas): So it's sixteen stickles to a gallon, and...uh...129 nuts
to a stickle?


Now, Portus, there we go, touch the quill on three.

ALL: WHAT quill?!

One … two … Three!

CHESTERFIELD: And WE ARE OUT OF HERE!!
*everyone runs out of the theater, tripping over each other in their haste*



Review the MST here
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
*The victims enter the theater. Chesterfield is muttering to himself and tearing a piece of paper*
MAGLOR: What do you have there, Chesterfield?
CHESTERFIELD (grumpily): Postcard from Boris, from Montreal, describing what a great time he and the other Nazgul are having. "Wish you were here" my ass...he just won't stop gloating about it...


A/N: And here is the long awaited (three days, i think, SO long.) Next chapter!

*everyone flips off the screen*
SAURON: Three days? Fuck you, sazza.


"This means either Common or English"

MAGLOR: Yes, why not? They're both practically the same, after all...(cough)

This means Sindarin, which only Legolas, Aragorn and Gandalf are fluent
with.


CHESTERFIELD: Didn't she already say that?
SAURON: Oh, splendid; I think this underlined text is even more annoying than
Grelvish.


I am so sorry if this seems a little cliche.

MAGLOR (dangerously quiet): A little cliché? You call this a LITTLE
cliché?
CHESTERFIELD (gulp): Oh, boy, now he's really getting mad... (edges away from Maglor)


In the HP world let's just say that Dumbledore is alive

TUMNUS: But...but he's not!
SAURON: Well, if he was a Maia...
MAGLOR: The only question I have is why.


and for some unkown reason, as yet, Voldermort is not a huge threat.

*all are speechless*
CHESTERFIELD: So let me get this straight, sazza. You KNOW the "Half-Blood
Prince" plotline, and yet you're DELIBERATELY ignoring it, just so your
favorite characters can meet in this shallow, boring story without any danger
or tragedy?
TUMNUS: Well, now we know why this story has no plot.
SAURON: D'you think Morgoth will let me find sazza and kill her when this is
over?


It is set post-HBP,

*all slam their heads on the backs of their seats*

but the world's worries with Voldermort are kept secret from the Fellowship,

SAURON (somewhat relieved): Well, at least I'm not going to be teaming up
with him.
CHESTERFIELD: Who the hell is "Voldermort"?


and they don't find anything to show that Voldemort is gaining power.

TUMNUS (falsetto): 'Cause then this story would be TOO SAD and SCARY!
MAGLOR (incredulously): How can she possibly write more than one chapter, then?


It all makes sense if you just enjoy the story rather than analysing it and how
it fits into canon.

CHESTERFIELD: In other words... (singing): "Just repeat to yourself
it's just a joke; you should really just relax."
SAURON: Only this is so ridiculous it goes beyond a joke.


It Is FanFiction.

TUMNUS: Oh, thank you, sazza; I never would have realized it.

Don't scream with frustration, please,

MAGLOR: Can we YELL with frustration, sazza?
*everyone yells with frustration*


because it doesn't tie in perfectly with the HP timeline.

SAURON (disgustedly): "Doesn't tie in perfectly"...I think she
means BLATANTLY IGNORES. This girl is the queen of understatements.
MAGLOR (shocked): I never knew Harry Potter canon-rape could be as dreadful as
Arda canon-rape.


It is Humour!

TUMNUS: Oh, that's odd...because I found it about as funny as a Calormene
human sacrifice.


Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue,

CHESTERFIELD (singing): Someone kick me with their shoe...

i do the writing, you do the reading, everyone's happy.

*Dead silence. Maglor looks ready to kill something*

Shopping, Chapter two of The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts

*everyone groans*
TUMNUS: Who wants to read a whole chapter on shopping?!
CHESTERFIELD: Well, Jules probably would, but she's female.


All ten grabbed the large quill,

ALL: WHAT quill...oh, the one inexplicably introduced in the last chapter.

and each felt a peculiar tug behind their navel,

*Chesterfield makes tugboat noises*

before spinning uncontrollably

SAURON: "Oh, get me off...I didn't want to ride the Magic Spinning
Teacups...urrrghhh..."


and finding themselves hitting the ground, hard,

CHESTERFIELD: Boy, that's a low-standard amusement park ride.
MAGLOR (shaking his head): This can't be good for Disneyland...


on a square of pavement outside a rather dismal street of houses, seemingly in
a city.

TUMNUS: Uh oh, they landed in the ruins of Charn...don't ring the bell,
Legolas!


“Wow.” Sam said, awed, yet dizzy.

SAURON (as Sam): That LSD was totally far-out... (passes out)

“Now I want all of you to repeat this in your heads,

MAGLOR: "I will not put chewing gum in Gandalf's pipe...I will not put
chewing gum in Gandalf's pipe..."
CHESTERFIELD: " 'I am Blubber, the smelly whale of class 206'..."


The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix can be found at number twelve,
Grimmauld place
.

SAURON: Oh, right; let's completely forget about secrecy and trustworthiness
and lead nine strangers to the Order of the Phoenix headquarters. Clever,
Dumbledore...really.


Got that? Excellent!”

MAGLOR (as Legolas): No, wait, I don't have it! Wait...no!

Each thought it over in their heads, puzzled as to the reason why.

TUMNUS: Yes; why in Aslan's name are they putting up with this?

The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix can be found at number twelve,
Grimmauld place”


CHESTERFIELD: All right, we know! Quit repeating yourself!

To the amazement of all but Dumbledore, and apparently Gandalf,

SAURON: A herd of goats had followed them all the way from Hogwarts and were
now humping Gandalf's leg.


another house appeared between numbers eleven and thirteen.

CHESTERFIELD (singing): Our house in the middle of the street...
TUMNUS: "Look! It's made of gingerbread!"


The wizards led them through the new door,

SAURON: Wait...how in Morgoth's name does Olorin know the way? As far as we
know, he hasn't been back to Harry Potter's world since the beginning of Arda.


and Dumbledore whispered, “be silent, we don’t want to wake up Mrs. Black,
she’s a right nasty piece of work, that one.”

MAGLOR (as Cockney!Dumbledore): Cor, blimey, she's a right nasty h'old
'arridan, she h'is! A bloomin' 'eathen!


Dumbledore silently led the nine Fellowship members down a dark hallway, and
then into a kitchen, where, sitting at the table, was a huge Man,

CHESTERFIELD (gasp): The Incredible Hulk!

along with a few others.

TUMNUS (snort): Well, you're really taking extra care with character development,
aren't you, sazza?


“Hagrid, Mrs. Weasley, Tonks, Remus Lupin, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron
and Ginny Weasley and Minerva McGonagall,

SAURON (panting): Great Morgoth, slow down! I don't have any proper lungs!
CHESTERFIELD: Whoa, at least let us keep track of these characters! Geez!


please meet my brother, known as Gandalf, Gimli, who would like to become a
sort of apprentice to Hagrid for the year, the hobbits Merry, Pippin, Frodo and
Sam, and Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas.

*everyone gasps for breath*
MAGLOR (as Dumbledore): All right, the introductions are now over...now,
everyone make friends!
TUMNUS: Oh, now sazza is just being lazy.


These last seven are going to be going to Hogwarts until my brother and I can
open a new link between our worlds,

CHESTERFIELD (drooling): A sausage link?
MAGLOR: Don't do that! Arda will be FLOODED with American Sues!


which will take almost a year." Dumbledore said by way of greeting.

SAURON (as McGonagall): I'm sorry, Albus, I wasn't listening; what did you
just say?


The Half-Giant, Hagrid, said to Gimli, “C’mon over ‘ere, lad, let’s size yer
up.”

TUMNUS: "I'm gonna 'ave yer try on these 'ere bras an' see 'ow
comf'able they feel."
CHESTERFIELD (as Hagrid): Sorry if yer can't understand me; summat's VERY wrong
with me accent right now...like a loon wrote out me dialogue...


Gimli nervously walked over.

MAGLOR (as Gimli): Er, Hagrid, I'm a male dwarf. I know in our species it's
hard to tell, but I definitely don't wear bras.


“Sorry, but what are you? I’m a Dwarf, and you’re more than three times my
size!”

SAURON (as Hagrid): Wot, don't yer recognize me? I'm Durin! I got sent 'ere
thousands o' years ago, an' used an "Engorgio" charm to make meself
huge!
TUMNUS: All things considered, I wouldn't be surprised if that turned out to be
the case in this fic.


“And I’m an ‘alf-Giant. An’ proud of it!” Hagrid added.

CHESTERFIELD (incredulous): Since when?
MAGLOR: Since Madame Maxime apparently convinced him to join a focus group for
oppressed half-giants.


“Well, Off to Diagon Alley, Tonks, would you and Remus take the new students?
Thank you.”

SAURON: But...they're adults! They don't need supervision!
CHESTERFIELD: Eh, I think Dumbledore's worried that Legolas will do something
stupid, or that the hobbits will shoplift loads of pipeweed, or that Gimli
will...well...get involved in something clumsy, hairy, and ugly.


Tonks, who had bright pink hair today, walked over with Lupin,

TUMNUS: Awww!
MAGLOR: If it turns out they're holding hands, I shall vomit.


and said to the group, “Let’s be off!” she rubbed her hands together excitedly;

CHESTERFIELD: "Watch this! I can make fire by rubbing my hands
together! Um...well...actually I can't."


“Let’s take the Knight Bus!”

SAURON: Oh, and give the Fellowship motion sickness. How lovely.

“Might as well.” Sam replied for them all.

TUMNUS (as Sam): And that's my only line, since I'm not good-looking enough
for the author to give me more.


Outside once more, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Boromir, Legolas and Aragorn

CHESTERFIELD: Good Saruman! Just say "The Fellowship"! I'm really
getting fed up with all these lists!


watched in confusion as Lupin raised his right hand,

MAGLOR (as Lupin): I do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help me God...


and then jumped back from the curb as a giant, purple, thing appeared,

CHESTERFIELD (horrified): Barney the dinosaur!
SAURON: It's purple AND it's in bold text!


moving impossibly fast, coming to a halt in front of them.

TUMNUS: Moving, coming to a halt...it shouldn't be doing that at the same
time, should it? Oh, forget it.


Tonks stepped in the door, and said,

ALL: BONK!
CHESTERFIELD (as Tonks): Ouch!


“Nine to the Leaky Cauldron. How much?”
The conductor replied, “Nine sickles each. Tha’s eighty-one sickles!”

MAGLOR: "I remember me multiplication tables! I'm so proud o'
meself!"


Tonks handed over four Galleons, and thirteen Sickles,

CHESTERFIELD: Who wants to bet sazza spent at least a half hour figuring
that out mathematically?
SAURON: At least she didn't describe the money conversions again.


and they all crowded onto the contraption.

MAGLOR: "Mmmfff...gasp...oof..."
TUMNUS: "Yer'll have to h'excuse the crowdin'; since all tha' fuss on
global warmin', flyin' cars 'ave become quite unpopular."


“What is this thing?” Legolas asked.

SAURON: Oh, that Legolas! So inquisitive and SO important to the plot,
because the readers might not otherwise know what the "thing" was!
What would we do without Legolas's stupid questions?


“The Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard.

CHESTERFIELD (as Stan Shunpike): 'Ere now! Quit stealin' me lines!

But,” Remus grinned, “beware when it stops.”

MAGLOR: When it stops? Not when it's going?
CHESTERFIELD: Well, if they'd actually install seatbelts on the Knight Bus,
there wouldn't be this problem.


A few seconds later, the conductor yelled out, “Wales, ten seconds!”

SAURON: WHAT? Wales isn't a city! So the bus is just going to stop right in
the middle of nowhere in Wales and let its passengers off in a sheep pasture?


And precisely ten seconds later, thuds sounded from all three levels of the
bus,

TUMNUS: Sounds like the members of some radical Welsh independence movement
were throwing sheep through the windows...it's ALWAYS a problem when you drive
in that area...


and Merry said, “I think I’ve broken something,” before pulling a broken
candlestick from underneath him.

CHESTERFIELD: For some reason, I got a sour feeling in my stomach when I
read that.
SAURON: For some reason, I have this overwhelming urge to kill Peter
Jackson...don't ask me why.


“Oops.” He commented.

MAGLOR (movie director): Cut! Say that with more expression, Mr. Brandybuck,
like this...OooooOOOOOPS!!!


“London, next stop!” The conductor yelled gleefully.

TUMNUS: So the bus stops for different cities in England, but not in Wales?!
CHESTERFIELD (gasp): She's prejudiced!


“Thanks Stan!” Tonks yelled back.

ALL: "NOW SHUT UP!"
SAURON: Wait...Stan Shunpike is supposed to be in prison!


The bus stopped again, but this time they were a little more ready,

TUMNUS: They managed to put a Stunning Charm on all the sheep-wielding Welsh
nationalists heading their way.


and only flew forwards three metres, rather than the length of the bus.

MAGLOR: Oh, three meters, rather than the length of the bus. That makes a
great difference.
CHESTERFIELD: Somehow I don't think sazza knows how long a meter actually is.


Climbing out, Legolas said to Aragorn, I don’t like the Knight Bus, not at
all.


SAURON (as Aragorn): Yeah, Legolas, I don't care...do you think you could at
least TRY to expand your vocabulary a little?


To which Aragorn replied, I think Pippin’s going to be sick!

TUMNUS: Of course; to Suethors, hobbits are always weak. Gandalf's many
speeches about how tough hobbits are under their small, simple exteriors mean
nothing to bad fanfic writers.
CHESTERFIELD: I'm surprised it wasn't Frodo.


To the relief of both, Pippin’s stomach settled quite soon.

MAGLOR (as Pippin): Ah, that feels better; you simply can't be a Knight of
Gondor with a weak stomach.


They entered a dreary looking pub, and Pippin asked if they could stop for some
ale,

*much fake laughter*
SAURON: Oh, that Pippin! All he thinks about is food and drink!
MAGLOR: At least it's somewhat in character.


when he received one “yes!” and seven “no!”s,

CHESTERFIELD: "They sell American beer there! Get away from it as
quickly as possible!"


he seemed a little downcast.

TUMNUS (as Pippin): Bother; I wanted to drink enough ale to feel like vomiting
again.


Lupin led the group out the back, and tapped his wand on a certain brick in the
wall.

SAURON (as Lupin): Open Sesame...ummmm...Pig Snout...errrrr...Drink
Me...uhhhh...


To the utter amazement of the Fellowship, the wall seemingly wriggled open,

*Chesterfield gets down on the floor and does the Worm*

to reveal a crowded street of shops.

MAGLOR (as Lupin): And...voila! This is where you'll buy all your
"Harry Potter" film souvenirs!


“Welcome to Diagon Alley. Here, you will buy your school things, with our help.

TUMNUS: "School things"?
CHESTERFIELD: Of course. Supplies, candy, magical flavored condoms, a year's
supply of butterbeer and firewhiskey, and birth-control pills.


Let’s go to Madam Malkin’s for robes first, what say you?” Lupin said.

SAURON (cringe): Oh, I HATE when Suethors revert to Arda dialect without
even knowing what it sounds like.


“Ok.” Sam replied.

CHESTERFIELD (as Sam, ridiculous Scottish accent): Och, I got another line!
MAGLOR (scowl): No, that was supposed to be "okay"...she's making the
Fellowship talk American slang again.


When they had battled the crowd to get to the small shop,

*everyone imitates the music and sound effects from Lancelot's fight scene
in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"*


a short witch greeted them. “New robes, I suppose?” she asked.

TUMNUS: "No, we came in for fish bait...YES, new robes!"

“Yes, for all of them, Hogwarts.” Tonks replied.

CHESTERFIELD: "Aren't they a little old for Hogwarts? Oh, wait; they've
been mutated into teenagers...I forgot."


Legolas tried his on first, and bought three sets of plain black robes.

MAGLOR: Again, the amazing, adventurous Legolas leads the way! He might
actually...pay for the robes before anyone else!
*over-dramatic gasp*


The others all followed suit.

*everyone groans*
SAURON: Look, sazza, you're putting so many bad puns in this thing that there's
no room for a plot!


They went into numerous stores, and bought many things they would need,

CHESTERFIELD: Fast forward here...
MAGLOR: Including food and plenty of ale, and a large store of pipeweed.


before turning to an old, dusty shop called Ollivander’s. “Now, you need
wands.”

SAURON: "Hey, that's mean! It was only Legolas who was castrated!"
CHESTERFIELD: Good one.


Tonks said. “Each is different, and the wand chooses the wizard. Let’s go!”

MAGLOR (as Mr. Ollivander): You! Stop stealing my lines!

“Uh-oh,” Sam muttered.

TUMNUS: "That's my third line...I'm getting so many lines I don't think
I can remember them all."
CHESTERFIELD: "What if I get chosen by a really small wand? Oh, the
humiliation!"


Once they had all bought wands, after each trying out what seemed to be the
entire shop,

SAURON (shocked): EACH? Does sazza not realize how LONG that would take?

Frodo had an eight inch, dragon heartstring, beech wand, Sam had an
eight-and-a-half inch mahogany with phoenix feather wand, Merry had a seven
inch oak with a unicorn hair wand, Pippin had a holly, nine inch dragon
heartstring wand, Aragorn’s was twelve inches, pine with a unicorn hair,
Boromir had an eleven inch, mahogany and unicorn hair wand, and Legolas had a
wand of twelve inches, made of oak with a phoenix tail feather.

*By the end of this paragraph, everyone is practically rolling on the floor,
helpless with laughter*
TUMNUS (wiping his eyes): It's obvious that Legolas and Aragorn are sazza's
favorite characters.
SAURON: Poor Boromir simply can't measure up...
CHESTERFIELD: And you guys said these sex jokes aren't fun!
*everyone falls over laughing again*


“Let’s go to Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor and have an ice-cream each.”
Tonks suggested. “Tab’s on me.”

MAGLOR: "Er..."... (laughs)..."We're grown men and
soldiers"... (wipes his eyes)..."not children"...(takes a deep
breath)...Sorry, the "wand sizes" paragraph will keep me laughing for
a long time.


“What is ice-cream?” Boromir asked.

SAURON: Oh, look; Boromir FINALLY gets a line!
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, he didn't even say anything when Dumbledore gave him a
mullet and a punk haircut!
TUMNUS: Pity that he has to sound stupid from the very beginning.


Tonks stopped and stared at him. “You don’t know what ice-cream is?” she asked
in disbelief.

MAGLOR (as Boromir): I lived thousands of years before it was invented, you
wench! Of course I don't know! Stop treating me like an idiot!


“No.” Boromir returned.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir, Road Rash): "You got a problem with that,
Junior?!"


“This is ice-cream.” Tonks said, walking over to an ice-cream store.

SAURON (as Legolas): That's peculiar...it looks more like a building to me.

She ordered nine ice-creams, all chocolate and in waffle cones.

TUMNUS (as Pippin): Hey, I wanted black-raspberry chip!
MAGLOR (as Frodo): I wanted a sugar cone!


“I figured that since you have never had it before you might as well taste the
best,

CHESTERFIELD: Chocolate isn't the best! Human-flesh-flavored is the best!

Remus and I both love the chocolate.”

SAURON: So they're MEANT for each other! Awww!

She explained her choice of the mud coloured ice-cream.

MAGLOR: Urgh.
CHESTERFIELD: That's an un-enticing way to describe it.
TUMNUS: I can think of a worse way.


“I like this, why don’t they make it in the Shire?” Frodo commented.

SAURON: Because NO ONE THERE HAS EVEN HEARD OF IT!
MAGLOR: WHY is everybody from Arda so STUPID in this fic?!


“It’s probably because they need to make it from certain things that aren’t
found in the shire, and it has to be kept cold.” Legolas observed.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, right; have Legolas answer Frodo's question to make your
crush more intelligent than everyone else! I swear, sazza, you're starting to
piss me off.
TUMNUS: Only Legolas DOESN'T sound intelligent...he sounds like a five-year-old
explaining a concept to a baby.


They all finished their ice-creams, and then went back to the Leaky Cauldron.

SAURON: "Maybe if we get drunk we'll actually regain some of our lost
intelligence..."


“Can we please not take the bus again? I’m sure I’ll actually throw up if I get
on that thing again.” Pippin requested.

CHESTERFIELD (as valleygirl!Pippin): 'Cause, I'm, like, so totally delicate!
MAGLOR: If Pippin says something stupid ONE MORE TIME, I am going to...


“Let’s use the Floo Network, then.” Lupin suggested.

TUMNUS: Whoa; that will make him even sicker!

“Now, take a pinch of the powder, throw it in the flames, and say very clearly number
twelve Grimmauld Place
,

SAURON: Lupin, what are you doing, saying it in public?! There might be
Death Eaters listening!
CHESTERFIELD: No, remember, Sauron? The Death Eaters have mysteriously
disappeared.


then step into the flames. Like this,” and Lupin demonstrated.

MAGLOR (as Lupin): Ow, ow, I forgot to put the powder in! I'm burning!
Owwwww!


They all gasped when he disappeared within the flames.

TUMNUS (deadpan): They've seen themselves turn into teenagers after drinking
a potion, a house appear out of nowhere, and a street full of shops pop up
behind a wall. Yet they're STILL gasping.


“Okay, let’s do this in pairs, that way there is less chance of going the wrong
way.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, come on, sazza; it's obvious you made that one up!
SAURON (sickened): Aragorn and Legolas are going to be paired up; I just know
it.


Aragorn, Legolas, bon voyage!”

SAURON (gagging): I knew it.
CHESTERFIELD: Since when do they understand French?
MAGLOR (nastily): Language bracelets, remember?


As they threw their powder onto the fire, and said “number twelve Grimmauld
Place”
they stepped onto the flames and disappeared.

TUMNUS: How is it physically possible to step ONTO flames?
CHESTERFIELD: Why, anything is possible in the wizarding world.


Aragorn hooked his elbow around his best friend’s,

CHESTERFIELD (singing): "We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful
Wizard of Oz..."


and they span uncontrollably,

SAURON: Now there's a bridge somewhere in the fireplace?

seeing glimpses of rooms beyond fireplaces,

MAGLOR: "Oh, disgusting, that naked fat woman...I did NOT want to see
that..."


and getting dizzy, whirling in the green flames.

CHESTERFIELD: "Whirling in the green flames"...isn't that the name
of some Slytherin porn-fic, where Draco, Lucius, Voldemort, and Snape have a
foursome?
MAGLOR (shudder): It seems frighteningly accurate.


After a few seconds, they tumbled head over heels

TUMNUS (in horror): Oh, Chesterfield, you were right!

out of the grate in that dismal kitchen,

TUMNUS (relieved): Oh.

and Lupin helped them to stand up.

SAURON (as Lupin): Legolas, please get your hand out of Aragorn's trousers.

A moment later, Merry and Pippin flew out,

ALL: "WHEEEE!"
MAGLOR (frowning): I think that riff is starting to become overused.


and then they were helping up Frodo and Sam.

SAURON (as Merry and Pippin): Sam, please get your hand out of Frodo's
breeches.


When Boromir whizzed out with Tonks, she barely kept him on his feet.

TUMNUS (disgustedly): Boromir Denethorion, pratfalling, stupid twit of
Middle-Earth fanfiction.
SAURON (as Tonks): Boromir, please get your hand out of my...
MAGLOR: Shut up, Sauron.


Looking around at the dropped parcels, Legolas counted them to make sure that
they had not lost any.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Uh...one, two, three...um...sixty-seven...a
thousand, a million...


All were accounted for, lying scattered throughout the kitchen.

TUMNUS: Oh, you mean like the plot points of this fic?
MAGLOR: What plot points?


The boys Harry and Ron helped the group to bring their parcels upstairs,

SAURON: And this is the only time Harry and Ron will show up in this fic...

and showed them to rooms, the Hobbits all in one,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, now that's just segregation! Do we need to take a protest
to the Lincoln Memorial?
MAGLOR: Better protest about Welsh people's rights while we're at it.


the Men and Elf in another with Gimli.

TUMNUS (chipper falsetto): SLEEPOVERS!

They were to have two weeks of lessons with various teachers to be up to
standards among the seventh years,

SAURON (slowly and deliberately, exasperated): If it only took two weeks,
sazza, there would be no need for the six years at Hogwarts before seventh
year.


and all proved to be fast learners, but they still weren’t entirely up to
scratch.

MAGLOR (shaking his head): And after all of two weeks? They must be Squibs,
then; they'll never be great wizards.


It was the best they could do, and they had found a solution to reading, if not
writing.

CHESTERFIELD (little kid): Hooked on Phonics works for me!

McGonnagal had charmed several pairs of delicate glasses to translate written
English to Common,

TUMNUS: Magical translating pince-nez, eh?
CHESTERFIELD: Well, it makes SOMEWHAT more sense than the bracelets.


but they had no way of writing English without properly learning the language,
which would be too much on top of six years’ study in two weeks.

SAURON: So why doesn't Dumbledore or McGonagall just CHARM A QUILL TO
AUTOMATICALLY WRITE IN ENGLISH?
MAGLOR: If they could solve the other language problems using magic, surely
they could do it with this one.


Two busy yet boring weeks later, it was September the First, and

TUMNUS: I think sazza is getting quite impatient with the slow passage of
time in this story.
SAURON: Eh, her imagination failed when she tried to think up things for the
Fellowship to do for two weeks.


the Fellowship along with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Hagrid, McGonnagal, a
hobbit-like professor called Flitwick and a strange girl called Luna were on
their way to Kings Cross.

*everyone pants loudly*
TUMNUS: Stop writing these lists! It's confusing us!
MAGLOR: Wait...what was Luna doing at Grimmauld Place anyway?


It was a half-hours walk to the train station,

CHESTERFIELD (sneer): The poor, pathetic hobbits kept collapsing on the
sidewalk, and big, strong Leggy-boy had to carry them.


and they left Grimmauld place at ten o’clock, arriving half an hour before the
train was to leave.

SAURON: Oh, excellent math skills, sazza.

“Pippin, go through the wall! Grab my hand, come with me.”

MAGLOR (as Pippin): What, you want me to walk through the wall? Then you
want me to grab your hand? Stop giving me contradictory orders; you're
confusing me!


Hermione was exasperated with Pippin refusing to walk through solid brick.

TUMNUS: Hermione, apparently, had completely forgotten about her first year,
and how, being Muggle-born, she was not used to the magical world. Therefore,
she, quite rudely, treated Pippin like an idiot.


Harry led Merry through, Ron led Frodo, and Ginny led Sam.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, great. Is there going to be any significance in that?

Luna walked through with Boromir, but didn’t have to grab his hand to force him
through.

SAURON (falsetto): Aw, what a cute couple! Odd, antisocial Ravenclaw nerd
and stupid Gondorian buffoon who is evil because he tried to take the Ring!
MAGLOR: Just what does sazza have against Boromir?


Ready? Legolas said to Aragorn.
Ready. He replied.

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): This is it, Legolas; this is the moment we've
both been waiting for. We may die in the attempt, but Legolas, if we never get
out of this alive, I want you to know one thing...I love you!


They each grabbed their trolleys securely, elbows hooked around each other's,

MAGLOR: AGAIN? WHY?!
SAURON (thoughtfully): I can't decide whether this story should be renamed
"Brokeback Hogwarts" or "Brokeback Arda".


and ran at the wall, going through smoothly to see a huge scarlet steam engine,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, they've landed in Thomas the Tank Engine's world. They'll
be okay.


and quickly boarded with the Hobbits and their friends.

TUMNUS: So the hobbits AREN'T their friends. Well, that's something new.

They all barely managed to fit into one compartment,

MAGLOR: "Oof, it's mighty tight in here...and hot..."
CHESTERFIELD: "Hey, who touched my penis?"


and said goodbye to the teachers and adults, who would be getting to Hogwarts
by Apparating to Hogsmeade.

SAURON: "Have fun on the train, kids"... (roguish wink)
TUMNUS: "Madam Pomfrey is always willing to give pregnancy tests."


Soon the train left the station, and Merry and Pippin found out how boring a
train ride can be.

CHESTERFIELD: "Man, this is dull; we're not being thrown onto the floor
like on the Knight Bus. Oh, well, guess we'll have to throw ourselves onto the
floor to pass the time."


Within an hour they were otherwise occupied, plotting practical jokes.

MAGLOR (sigh): So now Pippin and Merry are taking Elladan's and Elrohir's
places as the Prankers of Arda Fanfiction. I should have expected it.


I wonder if we’ll get in trouble if we get someone stuck in a high tree?
Aragorn said to Legolas.

SAURON: No, just if you get them stuck in the Whomping Willow.

Let’s find out. First target, Merry and Pippin. Legolas replied.

TUMNUS: Oh, yes, indeed. Aragorn, despite his 87 years, is not a mature man
waiting to fulfill his destiny and become king, but an immature practical
joker. Legolas, naturally, is a practical joker as well—not to mention that he
constantly throws tantrums like a thirteen-year-old girl.
MAGLOR: Yet that's STILL better than how most of the characters from Arda are
portrayed in this fic... (clutches his forehead)


Luna had left to sit with her Ravenclaw friends,

CHESTERFIELD: You mean her Quibbler magazine? I somehow figured that
was her ONLY friend.


and Hermione had explained about houses at school.

SAURON: Oh, no...
TUMNUS: Can we just not read the ensuing long description on Houses?


Eventually, they arrived at Hogsmeade.

TUMNUS (relieved): Oh, she's not describing it.

Hagrid’s voice yelled out, “Firs’ years over ‘ere! All firs’ years ‘ere, please!”

CHESTERFIELD (as Harry): Good Lord, Hagrid, what happened to your accent?
MAGLOR (as Hagrid): 'Ere, don't blame ME; blame sazza.


And then Gimli yelled out, without his bracelet on, “That includes Fellowship
members!”

TUMNUS: Oh, look at this; it's the Language Bracelets again! In case we
forgot about them!
SAURON: How...(cough)...considerate, sazza.


“Coming!” Boromir called, also removing his bracelet momentarily.

MAGLOR (as Boromir): I'm throwing this damn thing out! Who needs it? I've
STILL only got two lines!


“Good luck with the Sorting.” Hermione whispered to Legolas,

CHESTERFIELD (as ditsy!Hermione): Like, I hope you get into Gryffindor, and
then we can get co-ed dorms!... (giggle)


who whispered back,

TUMNUS: "Blood has been spilt this night."

“Who needs luck?”

MAGLOR: We do!
SAURON: Just someone get us off this satellite!


VVVVVVV

*Pause*
CHESTERFIELD: That's an interesting divider.
TUMNUS: Looks like the Canada geese are flying south early.


Sorting ceremony, Great Hall at the Hogwarts Welcome Feast.

MAGLOR: Enter the Fellowship, the first years, some confused students,
and a very pissed-off Sorting Hat.

CHESTERFIELD (Sorting Hat): EVERY year I have to sort transfer students! EVERY
YEAR!! Why can't they just stay at their OWN wizard schools?!


“Baggins, Frodo!”
“HUFFLEPUFF!”

*everyone applauds*
SAURON: Frodo gets put with the helpful cowards!
TUMNUS: Well, it's true that Sam is braver than him...


“Brandybuck, Meriadoc!”
“It’s Merry!”

CHESTERFIELD (groan): Oh, Merry, don't embarrass yourself!
MAGLOR: WHY do the hobbits have to act like children in every Arda fic?!


“HUFFLEPUFF!”

SAURON: Well, I say; I think I'm starting to see a pattern here.

A few names later, “Denethorion, Boromir!”
“GRYFFINDOR!”

TUMNUS: Really? I wouldn't have put it past sazza to put him in Slytherin.
SAURON: Nah, Boromir's not evil in this fic, he's just stupid.


“Elrondion, Aragorn!”
“GRYFFINDOR!”

MAGLOR: Oh, what a surprise.
CHESTERFIELD: WAIT a minute. Wouldn't the English students be a little weirded
out by these strange names? Couldn't the Fellowship have taken English names,
to avoid arousing suspicion?


After a number of first years names, McGonagall called, “Gamgee, Sam!”
“HUFFLEPUFF!”

MAGLOR: What the...but Sam was called "Samwise the Brave"! He was
practically the hero of the War of the Ring!!
TUMNUS (frowning): His devotion to Frodo must have gotten him put there.
CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): Or sazza's laziness.


“Greenleaf, Legolas!”

MAGLOR (enraged) ARGH!! WHY do Aragorn and Boromir get called "son of
Elrond" and "son of Denethor"—in Sindarin—and Legolas just gets
called "Greenleaf," the English translation of his name?! It's
Legolas THRANDUILION, you idiot, THRANDUILION!! AS IN "SON OF THRANDUIL"!!


“GRYFFINDOR!”

CHESTERFIELD (irritably): Sam and Frodo get put in Hufflepuff and Legolas
gets put in Gryffindor. Sam and Frodo performed at least TEN TIMES the brave
deeds that Legolas did!
SAURON (sneer): Well, of course sazza's crush is put in her favorite house. AND
he can be with quasi-brother-and-lover-and-fellow-prankster Aragorn.


Some more 'ickle firsties',

TUMNUS (exasperated): Peeves used that expression TWICE in the first book!
It's not a commonly used phrase at Hogwarts!


then, “Took, Peregrin!”
“MY NAME IS PIPPIN!”

*everyone jumps*
MAGLOR: Iluvatar, calm down, Pippin.
TUMNUS: I never knew the hobbits hated their real names so much.


“HUFFLEPUFF!”

*Silence*
MAGLOR (dangerously quiet): You used a WHOLE USELESS PARAGRAPH to tell us that
the hobbits got into Hufflepuff and that the rest of the Fellowship got into
Gryffindor?
*Maglor begins sharpening a dagger*
CHESTERFIELD (hopefully): Slash the screen, Maglor!


“Did you say that Hufflepuff is the duffer’s house? Then Pip definitely belongs
there.” Boromir commented to Harry.

SAURON: BOROMIR WAS ATTACHED TO PIPPIN! HE DIDN'T MAKE FUN OF HIM!!
TUMNUS: HARRY WOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT! HE *RESPECTS* THE HUFFLEPUFFS!! WHAT IS
HE, MALFOY?!
*Maglor slashes a hole in the screen with his knife. Everyone cheers*


“Hey, Ron, are there any chief troublemakers around here?” Legolas asked
innocently.

CHESTERFIELD: Wha...the hole in the screen is gone!
SAURON (groan): It must be magical; it puts itself back together.
TUMNUS (sadly): It was a nice try, Maglor.


“No, but there has been a competition since my brothers left.”

MAGLOR: "It's called 'Who Can Be the Most Annoying, Goody-Goody Prat at
Hogwarts.' Percy started it."


Now, the competition is between us and the Hobbits, Estel.

MAGLOR (confused): "Goody-Goody Prat" competition?!
CHESTERFIELD (scowl): No, a prank competition.


Aragorn smirked. They won’t know what’s hit them.

SAURON: I wish something would hit YOU. Preferably something large and
heavy.


After all, when we travelled together we weren’t rowdy teens. We were
respectable adults.


TUMNUS (cringe): Oh, here's the plot. Aragorn and Legolas and the hobbits
play endless pranks on each other.
SAURON: Ugh...this is going to be even more painful...


“I don’t think I want to know.” Harry commented.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, now Harry's finally got a line!
MAGLOR: But he doesn't deserve one! He's only the main character of an entire
book series!


“You seem to be plotting to take over after Gred and Forge.”

TUMNUS (angrily): THAT wasn't used any time after the first book either!
They weren't nicknamed that!
SAURON: The girl knows less about Harry Potter than you do, Tumnus. That's
rather sad.


What do you think?

MAGLOR: The whole thing is just plain ridiculous, even more so because
you're completely disregarding the plot of the Harry Potter books and the
history of Arda. Not to mention how you're mangling the characters and turning
Olorin into a slap-happy fool, the hobbits into whiny children, Boromir into an
idiot, and ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS INTO IMMATURE, CHILDISH PRANKSTERS!!!
CHESTERFIELD: Whoa, Maglor, take it easy. You're turning into the wangsty Harry
Potter of "Order of the Phoenix."


I have no problems with changing it slightly,

SAURON (snicker): "Slightly;" I love that word...

and PLEASE tell me if it sounds too similar to another HP/LOTR xover you have
read!

TUMNUS: Actually, it's not too similar to the other crossovers...it's even
worse.


I am trying to make this original, but i haven't read all, so i don't know all
that has already been written.

MAGLOR: WHAT?!
CHESTERFIELD: The HELL?!
TUMNUS: So she's saying she hasn't read Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings
carefully? Is that why this story is so bad?
*everyone exits the theater*



Review here
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
3. First Day

MAGLOR: Actually, if you want to talk about the First Day, you should know
the story of the sun and moon and the hiding of Valinor...that is, of course,
if you don't count the Days of the Trees, in which case the First Day would be
when Yavanna...
*Sauron slaps him*


I was reminded in a wonderfully insightful review that Gandalf isn’t actually a
Man, he is actually a lesser spirit taking the likeness of a Man,

CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): You were "reminded"? You mean you
didn't know before somebody corrected you, dumbass.


but for the purposes of this story, Dumbledore is also a spirit taking the form
of a human.

SAURON: Oh, for Morgoth's sake!
MAGLOR: He DID somehow convince Eru to send him to the future and teach human
brats. What did I tell you?
TUMNUS: At least now we know how he came back to life.


As it isn’t essential for the story, and the characters don’t know,

CHESTERFIELD: How can they not know?! Wouldn't Gandalf and Dumbledore realize it?!
MAGLOR (frustrated): How is it not essential for the story?!


you don’t so shush! Hehe. Just to clear that up.

SAURON: Will you just shut up and get on with it?!

Thank you so much for all the insightful and indefinitely helpful reviews,

CHESTERFIELD (groan): Oh, shit...now we have to wait for her to thank the
Academy.


and thanks to the following reviewers, who (I think) are everyone who reviewed,

CHESTERFIELD (as sazza): And to Mom and Dad and my brother and sister, and
my dog Rover, and my hamster Steve, and to all my fans out there, and to Jesus
Christ and God, and to my Legolas and Aragorn dolls, and...
*Sauron slaps him*


and please don’t hate me if I didn’t reply to your review, I swear I replied to
all of them.

TUMNUS: We're in luck! Since we didn't leave her any reviews and the above
statement doesn't apply to us, we can hate her!
*everyone cheers*


Wonderful reviewers: PIRATEical ELF of Mirkwood, milou8, Mariano's-twins, fair
rider, Alonna, obsessed elf, kat75643, Medilia, MythicalCreature,
Mariano's-twins, jewelledhunter, estrid2006.

CHESTERFIELD: Heathens! Stop encouraging her!

IDEAS FOR PRANKS FOR THE MISCHEIF MAKERS WOULD BE WONDERFUL,

MAGLOR (gag): For the love of everything good and decent, reviewers, PLEASE
don't give her any prank ideas. Please?


AS I’M NOT IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING TRULY BRILLIANT TO PLAY
ON A CHARACTER.

SAURON: She actually admitted it? Bad, bad move, sazza.
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, I just lost what little respect I had left for her.
TUMNUS (confused): Why is she using the Caps Lock key?


"this means English of Westron (common)"

MAGLOR: We already know! You made that clear in the last chapter!

this means Sindarin

ALL: GET ON WITH IT!

First day, chapter 3 of The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts.

CHESTERFIELD: OUCH!!
*everyone looks at him*
CHESTERFIELD: It's a joke...the Fellowship hits Hogwarts, so they would hurt
their fists...oh, forget it.


“Oh look, you’ve got the same timetable as me!” Harry said, looking over
Boromir’s timetable.

ALL (as Harry): NOOOOOOO!!!

“Potions, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration, Charms, Herbology,
and a couple of spare lessons for ‘study’. Cool.”

MAGLOR: Hot!
SAURON: Room temperature!
TUMNUS: Stop writing out lists, sazza!


Legolas, who was wearing translating glasses,

*everyone laughs at the picture of Legolas with glasses*

read his subjects out loud.

SAURON (as Legolas): Ummmm...p-p-p-po-tee-ons,
uh...dee-fen-see...er...Aragorn, could you help me read this?


“I’ve got Potions, D.A.D.A., Care of Magical Creatures, Herbology, Transfiguration,
and Charms.”

TUMNUS (excitedly): Why, yes, and we really care, too!
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, brother...wake me when it's over.


“I do too; can I see your timetable?” Aragorn asked. “Aye, identical.”

MAGLOR: "Oh, isn't that splendid? We can spend more time together doing
our homework and practicing kissing and using condoms!"


Hermione said, “Mine’s the same as yours, but when you are in Care of Magical
Creatures I am in Arithmancy.

SAURON (as ditsy! Hermione): Like, yay! Now I can, like, write love notes to
Legolas, like, totally!


Potions first, with Sluggy.”

*Pause*
TUMNUS: SLUGGY?
CHESTERFIELD: Boy, I didn't know Slughorn and Hermione were on such friendly
terms.
MAGLOR (sickened): Oh, dear Iluvatar; this is going to turn into a
sluttish-Hermione-has-sex-with-a-Hogwarts-professor lemon, isn't it?


Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday

SAURON: What the...?
TUMNUS: Look here, sazza; we know the days of the week! Stop patronizing us!


9:00-10:15
Potions
Prof. Slughorn
Transfiguration
Prof. McGonnagal
D.A.D.A
Prof. Gandalf

TUMNUS (horrified): Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me...
SAURON: No! Now she's writing out the entire schedule!
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, guys, calm down; I have the remote here...


BLIP!

MAGLOR (shocked): My Eru, that was long.
CHESTERFIELD: All right, now I KNOW she's intentionally trying to torture her
readers.
TUMNUS: Or else she set a certain minimum number of words for this story.


VVVVVVVV

SAURON: Vuh...vuh...vuh...vuh...VOLCANO!!

“Good morning class! Welcome to Advanced Potions,

MAGLOR: Wait...what are the beginners doing in Advanced Potions?
CHESTERFIELD (deadpan): Each other...at least Aragorn and Legolas are.
MAGLOR (glare): That was not funny at all.


today you will be brewing a powerful healing potion, known as Fallaner.”-

SAURON: "Complete with a random hyphen."

Professor Slughorn was cut off by Aragorn and Legolas, who gasped,

TUMNUS (as Legolas): What a coincidence! There's a man in Gondor named
Fallaner...
MAGLOR (as Aragorn): Er, that's "Faramir," Legolas.
TUMNUS (as Legolas, stupidly): Oh...oops.


and said in eerie unison,

CHESTERFIELD: Guys, this is gonna turn into the fanfiction version of
"The Boy from Oz."
SAURON (rolling his eyes): Oh, come on; Morgoth wouldn't do that; this is NOT
going to be a songfic about homosexuals...at least I don't think it is...


“Fallaner is our language for healer.”

MAGLOR (indignantly): It is not. Don't try writing in Sindarin when you
don't know it, sazza.


Slughorn continued, unperturbed.

TUMNUS (as Slughorn): All right, five points from Gryffindor for talking out
of turn, and five more points from Gryffindor for creeping everybody out. Now,
as I was saying...


“You will be brewing it in pairs,

*everyone groans loudly*

and the best two potions will receive points for your house.

SAURON: Why is he wasting time giving points to the POTIONS? It's the
STUDENTS to whom he should be giving points.


Chop chop,

MAGLOR: "Grab your axes! Off with Aragorn's and Legolas's heads!"

instructions on the board!” he flicked his wand and they appeared. Aragorn and Legolas paired up, and began working,

*Maglor slams his head on the back of his seat*
SAURON: This is disgusting; not even Harry and Ron were as close as these two
are.


using their memories of making it rather than the instructions,

TUMNUS: Huh?!
CHESTERFIELD: They've made it before?!
MAGLOR: Must have got some practice in the two weeks of cramming before the
term started.


and had finished before the rest of the class was a quarter way through it.

SAURON (as Aragorn): So...uh...we're finished...what do you want to do now?
CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): I know! Let's write love-notes to each other and
pass them under our desks!


Hermione and Harry paired up, Ron and Boromir did so as well.

TUMNUS: Why, it sounds like sazza's a Harry and Hermione shipper!
SAURON: And a Boromir and Ron shipper!
*Silence*
SAURON: What? I was only saying; it just seemed...
MAGLOR (shiver): Not for the first time, I'm praying you're wrong, Sauron.


This class was all four houses,

CHESTERFIELD: What the...NO class at Hogwarts is ever all four houses! Do
you have any idea how CROWDED those rooms would be?!
SAURON: Ah, well; all the better to put in some gratuitous groping, eh,
Chesterfield?


and Frodo and Sam were working together, as were Merry and Pippin.

TUMNUS: All right, everyone, on the count of three...one...two...three...
ALL: AWWWWWWW!


Aragorn and Legolas walked up to the professor, and Legolas said to him,

ALL: "GOBLINS!!"

“We have made this potion many times before,

MAGLOR: "Yes, you see, we made it a point to make it every day during
our fortnight of cramming. We were hoping for extra credit...hint,
hint..."


and if we had used your instructions rather than our own, we both would have
died many times over.”

*Pause*
CHESTERFIELD: WHAT?!
SAURON: How could they possibly have known how to make it before?!
TUMNUS: So now THEY have the Half-Blood Prince's potion book?! Is that it?!


Aragorn continued before Slughorn could say a word.

MAGLOR (as Aragorn): Hey, I'm still the future King of Gondor, even though
I'm acting like a spoiled child right now, so you'll just sit quiet and listen
when I talk to you.


“Not only that, but the recipe that we’ve grown up with makes a far more potent
potion,

CHESTERFIELD: Grown UP with?!
MAGLOR: Argh! Sazza, you idiot! NOBODY MAKES HARRY-POTTER-STYLE POTIONS IN
ARDA!!!
TUMNUS: Obviously her two favorite lust objects do.


and mere drops are required rather than an entire glass.

SAURON (as Slughorn): Oh, really? Well, in that case, you two can take those
"mere drops" and shove them up your arses.
TUMNUS: You tell them, Slughorn!


This is the original version of the potion, which seemingly came from our
homes,

CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): Oh, everything's better in MIDDLE-EARTH...

given away by the Sindarin name.”

*Maglor clenches his fists in annoyance*

“Well, boys, you should know that

TUMNUS: "I've had about enough of your cheek...detention, fifty points
from Gryffindor, and NO admittance to the Slug Club."


it is very dangerous to make potions differing from the precise instructions,

*Chesterfield makes exploding sounds*
SAURON (as Slughorn): See? I told you...Potter, Weasely, would you mind
removing the corpses, please?


and that is the wrong colour, anyhow. It should be a bright blue, not dull
red.”

MAGLOR (as Legolas): Look here; do I have to spell it out for you? We're
both color-blind!


“Sorry, but this exact brew has saved both our lives countless times,

TUMNUS (sneer): Obviously they'd NEED it, judging by how many times they
each get captured and wounded and raped.


and my father uses it on most of his patients because it is so powerful.”

CHESTERFIELD: Elrond brews potions?!
SAURON: Now he's a doctor?! And Aragorn's real father?!
*Maglor starts banging his head on the back of his seat*


“Aragorn is right, and we have done it perfectly.”

MAGLOR (as Slughorn): Now, listen up! Either you respect me as your teacher
or I'm going to have to pull a Severus Snape on you two!


With that they walked away, to sit at their desk for the rest of the lesson.

TUMNUS (amazed): What a pair of childish, egotistical brats.
CHESTERFIELD: I thought this potion just made you LOOK childish, not ACT
childish.


What if we put a charm in everyone’s food, except Merry and Pippin’s, so
that they will get in trouble?


ALL: Whoa!
SAURON: What does this have to do with anything?!
CHESTERFIELD: They're throwing us violently into a random conversation!


No, Aragorn disagreed. If we do that, we’ll suffer too, remember?

MAGLOR: I seem to remember something about a Ring...whatever it is,
something tells me that poisoning and killing Frodo would be quite idiotic.


Not if it is a simply funny charm, like, for example, one that turns you
into a chicken for three seconds?


CHESTERFIELD: Oh, come on!
MAGLOR: Why on EARTH would these two mature, battle-hardened warriors want to
turn people into chickens?


Like the Custard Creams Hermione told us about?

TUMNUS (sigh): Well, look at it this way; at least sazza's admitting that
she stole the idea from J.K. Rowling.


Yes, the ones Gred and Forge created.

SAURON: Argh!! STOP calling them that!! THOSE WEREN'T THEIR NICKNAMES!!

They’re actually Fred and George.

TUMNUS: THANK YOU.

So? Gred and Forge sounds stranger.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): So Aragorn, can I call you
"Smoochy-Pooky-Cutie-Tutie-Sweetheart," since it sounds so much
stranger than "Aragorn" or "Estel"?


So we just have to get our hands on about five hundred custard creams, and
then get the whole school to eat them?


SAURON: Whoa; that's quite an undertaking.
MAGLOR: Well, judging by the generosity of the house-elves, it might be easier
than it sounds...
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, but how is the whole school going to eat them?


What if one of us casts a spell on everyone,

*Pause*
TUMNUS: HOW in Aslan's name are you going to do that?
MAGLOR: Well, I suppose during the Halloween feast, you could wave a wand
and...forget it. It wouldn't work.


and the other places a small shield over M and P?

SAURON: "M and P"? Isn't that an American supermarket?
CHESTERFIELD: No, that would be "A and P," Sauron.


M and P? nice nick-nick-names.

MAGLOR (cringe): So now either Aragorn or Legolas has developed a stutter.
CHESTERFIELD (Torgo): "T-the ma-aster wants you, but he ca-an't have you...I
want you!"


Merry and Pippin too long to say?

SAURON: Oh, shut up; I'm taking up chat-speak...liek, lol!!!11

Ha ha, you’re so funny, Estel.

*everyone giggles stupidly*
CHESTERFIELD (announcer): We've secretly replaced Legolas with Lavender Brown...


What can I say? It’s my natural charm.

TUMNUS: Oh, Aslan, the CHEESE!
MAGLOR: They ARE flirting with each other!


The bell rang, signalling the end of class,

*everyone hums the "Saved by the Bell" theme*

and Slughorn pronounced, “Miss Granger and Mr Potter here have the twenty house
points,

SAURON: Well, at least it seems like Hermione's in character.

and the other twenty go to Mr Greenleaf and Mr Elrondion.

*everyone gags loudly*

Congratulations, class, most of you were only slightly off, but, had you attempted to heal a wound with it, it would probably turn out more of a poison.

TUMNUS: So...why is he congratulating them, then?
SAURON: Now I'm confused.


Be more careful when you brew the potions, class. Homework: I want an essay about the importance of correctly brewing potions, and the effects of inaccurately concocted potions in healing.

CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): Oh, some essay: "If you don't brew
certain potions correctly, the person taking the potion will die. The
end."


Due in class next week. Goodbye.”

SAURON (as Slughorn): C'mon, get out of here, you losers; I'm holding a Slug
Club meeting right now.


Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir and the Hobbits immediately went up to Slughorn,

MAGLOR (as Slughorn): No, for the last time, I DON'T know anything about how
to get back to Middle-Earth, and I am NOT going to bring Gandalf to his senses
by doing the Cruciatus Curse on him.


and Frodo said boldly, “We have a slight problem, sir.

TUMNUS: "I'm actually SPEAKING in this fic."
CHESTERFIELD: "Legolas and Aragorn are starting to hold hands and blow
each other kisses; it's rather creepy."
MAGLOR: "Everybody seems to have forgotten about this Ring I'm
wearing."
SAURON: "Gandalf is raping goats again."


None of us are able to write English, although most of us can write in other
languages.

CHESTERFIELD (clutching his forehead): SO GET A TEACHER TO CHARM A QUILL!
TUMNUS: Good Aslan, you'd think it would be obvious!


May we do the essay in Westron?”

SAURON (as Slughorn): Can you do it in French? Can you do it in Swahili? NO!
Now get your asses out of my classroom, and stop asking such stupid questions!


“How do you read, if you can’t write?”

MAGLOR: "We read Braille, you insensitive, politically-incorrect,
blind-person-hating git!"


Legolas answered. “We wear special glasses that translate the English the
Common, and we speak with the help of bracelets.

*everyone screams with frustration*
SAURON: We KNOW!!!
CHESTERFIELD: You told us TEN BLOODY TIMES!!!
MAGLOR: Bloody Morgoth, SHUT UP ABOUT THE LANGUAGE INVENTIONS!!!


Ask Professor Dumbledore if you want the full story.

ALL: ARGH!!

The point is, we cannot do an essay that you will be able to read.”

TUMNUS (as Slughorn): Oh, right; this is obviously a lame excuse to get out
of doing your homework. I'm not stupid, you know.


“Do the essay in your language, and I shall get some of these glasses of
Dumbledore to read them. Is that alright? Good.”

CHESTERFIELD (angrily): Well, now that THAT pressing problem is solved...
MAGLOR (scowl): Who wants to bet that in the very next sentence, we'll be
reminded of the Language Bracelets AGAIN?


They rushed out of the dungeons, and to a courtyard behind the castle, where

SAURON: Voldemort and Bellatrix were cackling madly...oh, wait; Voldemort
doesn't even EXIST in this story; I forgot.


they found Harry, Ron and Hermione.

CHESTERFIELD: One in each flavor.

The Hobbits joined a group of Hufflepuffs in the courtyard.

TUMNUS (as Pippin): So what's this about a Cedric Diggory that died here
about three years ago? Oh...did I say the wrong thing?


“In ten minutes we have to go to Defence Against the Dark Arts.

MAGLOR (deadpan): Gandalf's the new teacher, isn't he?
TUMNUS: Well, what did you expect?


The new teacher wasn’t at the feast, was he? Or she?” Hermione asked.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, geez, Hermione, you should know, since his name was on
your friggin' schedule!


“Nup, I didn’t see anyone new yesterday.” Ron confirmed.

*everyone sighs*
SAURON: Ah, yes, it's Idiot!Ron making an appearance.


As they went into the classroom, Legolas cried out, Mithrandir!

CHESTERFIELD: You smell strongly of goat shit!

And Aragorn and Boromir said “Gandalf!”

MAGLOR: "What are you doing out of the Hospital Wing? I thought you
needed to recover your sanity!"


While Ron, Harry and Hermione said, “Hi.”

*laughter*
TUMNUS: Mithrandir!...Gandalf!...hi. Mithrandir!...Gandalf!...hi.
CHESTERFIELD: I can picture it: Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir are excited, and
Harry, Ron, and Hermione are just plain bored and depressed.
SAURON: It's rather like a cheesy film.


Once the whole class, this one of Slytherins and Gryffindors, had sat down,

MAGLOR: Since when do Slytherins have Defense against the Dark Arts with
Gryffindors?
CHESTERFIELD: I think maybe the classes are bigger because of a problem with
the Hogwarts budget.
TUMNUS: Oh, yes; it's because of Dumbledore's using the school money to pay for
the Fellowship's school supplies.


Gandalf began. “Good morning class!

CHESTERFIELD (perky kindergarten teacher): "My, look at all these shiny
morning faces! I just know we're all going to be the best of friends!"


I am to be your new Defence teacher, Professor Gandalf, and I’m only going to
be here for a year.

SAURON: Well, why does that sound so familiar? Hmmm...
MAGLOR: It sounds like Gandalf got this speech out of a copy of Teaching for
Dummies
.


This is your NEWTs year, and I am going to start off the lesson in a way my
brother will approve of greatly.

TUMNUS: "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"
CHESTERFIELD: "First, we'll sing the school song! Next, we'll take a trip
into a Pensieve!"


Have any of you ever heard of the Blasting Charm?”

MAGLOR: "Blasting Charm"? How trite.
SAURON: I'm betting that the magic word will be Blasticus.


Gandalf looked around at the class, most of the Slytherins were asleep,

TUMNUS (as Gandalf): Er...this isn't going to be good for my teaching
record, is it?


they didn’t want to listen to an old man,

CHESTERFIELD (confused): So Slytherins are not only sly and crafty, with
criminal tendencies, but are also lazy old-people haters?
MAGLOR: Write it down; the Sorting Hat should put it in its song next time.


but Gandalf didn’t care, they would fail their tests,

SAURON (incredulous): Gandalf amuses himself by failing children on tests?
TUMNUS (shaking his head): He badly needs a life.


as it would be their own fault that they won’t be able to get a decent job
without passing Defence.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, he's so encouraging, and such a helpful teacher, isn't he?


The Gryffindors, however, were looking rather thoughtful.

MAGLOR: "'Blasting Charm'? A stupid welcome speech? I think Gandalf
will join Quirrel, Lockhart, and Umbridge on the list of incompetent Defense
teachers."


“Aragorn, why don’t you tell us what’s on your mind?”

SAURON (as Aragorn): Look, Gandalf, will you just cut the crap and get to
the lesson?! It's none of your business what I'm thinking about!


I was just remembering the time that Legolas and I were caught by Wargs,

TUMNUS (groan): Oh, here we go: the old
best-friends-escape-from-torture-by-Sauron narration...


and you had to resort to magic to destroy them.

MAGLOR: Aragorn and Legolas, two well-trained warriors, could not defend
themselves?
CHESTERFIELD: Dumb, hopeless buffoons.


Legolas was so helpless back then.

MAGLOR (amazed): I don't believe it.
SAURON: He'd accidentally tied himself up in his bowstring.


Legolas, you know he’s just baiting you!

TUMNUS: You know, I would have thought that once you reached the age of 87,
you were too old to bait your friends like this.


The entire class was listening confusedly as Aragorn spoke in a foreign
language,

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Ut-shay up-pay ow-nay! I-way am-may I-ay o-say
immature-ay?


and were perplexed when the teacher seemed to understand,

SAURON: Pig Latin is unheard of in the wizarding world, apparently.

because he said something warningly to Legolas, who was about to retort.

MAGLOR (as Legolas, stupidly): Yeah, well, YOU'RE
um...er...stupid...and...uh...ugly!


“Sorry, but I wasn’t helpless, that Warg was huge,

CHESTERFIELD: "Big as that nest of tarantulas in your beard!"

and I was trying to protect the child.”

SAURON: Huh?
TUMNUS: What child?


He spoke in Common, and this just made the students wonder what Aragorn had
said.

MAGLOR (irritably): Nobody CARES what language he was speaking! He could be
speaking Black Speech for all it matters!


“I was not a child! I was sixteen!”

*everyone rolls their eyes*
CHESTERFIELD: When you say something like that, you're STILL a child.


“Legolas, Aragorn, if you’re going to argue,

SAURON: "Go to the bathroom to do it; the class does NOT want to see
you kiss and make up."


do so in Sindarin so that the rest of the class can ignore you rather than get
more puzzled by the second.” Gandalf reprimanded them.

TUMNUS: What the...?
CHESTERFIELD: Forget it. I can't work out how that's supposed to make them feel
guilty.
MAGLOR: I think Gandalf may be a worse teacher than Lockhart. At least one
could understand what Lockhart was saying.


“Sorry,” they both said sheepishly.

ALL: Baa! Baa! Baa!

“Back to the lesson, Now, the Blasting Charm is one that will create a loud
noise, a flash of blinding light, and will burn any foes.

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf, stupid voice): Get it, kids? That's why it's
called the BLASTING CHARM! Duh-huh-huh-huh-huh!


Let’s go outside to have a more hands-on approach to this charm, because inside
we may cause some damage.”

SAURON: "And if we're lucky, we might burn Hagrid and Gimli to death,
and the story will be free of everyone ugly and hairy!"


The class filed out onto the front lawn, and Gandalf said to them,

MAGLOR: "Actually, I don't know this charm...I CAN teach you how to
kill Balrogs if you'd like..."


“I hope there aren’t any here that really hate each other, because we don’t
want anyone in the hospital wing on the first day back.

TUMNUS: Er...aren't you forgetting Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter?
SAURON: Or Hermione Granger and Lavender Brown?


Good. The spell is rather long, but useful.”

CHESTERFIELD: "Just like my penis."

The class had to memorise the spell, which was ridiculously long,

MAGLOR: Oh, so it was something like qeuwroqeirupafjdlanfalfdajisfodausiodfusjdfljdjoa?
TUMNUS (amazed): How did you pronounce that?


and then were told to stand at least ten metres apart, before trying the spell
out.

SAURON: Ten meters?! They'd be spread out all the way to Hagrid's cabin and
the Forbidden Forest!
TUMNUS: Well, look on the bright side; perhaps they'll end up slaughtering a
few giant spiders.


He ordered them to stand still, and close their eyes as they said the spell,

MAGLOR (laughing): But...that is an open invitation to painful mistakes!
CHESTERFIELD: Who knows who you could hit with the spell?


and not to open them for at least five seconds afterwards.

SAURON: Yes, that's important. If anyone dies or is injured, we definitely
want to ignore it.


Gandalf watched, closing his eyes for the briefest second when the spells
flashed,

TUMNUS (as Gandalf): Hurk...death makes me sick...I can't look...

and was pleased to note that no-one had been standing too close to another
person,

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, closer than ten meters... (snort)

and so no one was burned.

MAGLOR (disappointed): Oh, what a pity; I was hoping Aragorn and Legolas
would both die.


Legolas commented to Gandalf, you’ve had to use this spell twice to save
Estel and myself from Wargs,


SAURON (as Gandalf): Look, Legolas, shut up! I don't WANT to hear about your
and Aragorn's tumultuous love affair!


and both times I was left unable to see for hours.

MAGLOR (as Gandalf): Yes, that's why I warned you to CLOSE YOUR EYES,
genius...Legolas, is it just me, or are you getting stupider every day?


Nice to have some warning with these sorts of things.

*all facefault*

It was not my fault either time!

SAURON: Oh, Morgoth...now GANDALF is acting like a five-year-old?!
TUMNUS: WHY?!


It was the first, and you know it!

CHESTERFIELD (1920s movie kid): You know it, mister!

Stop arguing! Can’t you argue in a tongue I don’t know?

MAGLOR: Like sign language...hint, hint?

Do you know Quenya? Legolas asked.

*Silence*
CHESTERFIELD: Well, there it is. The stupidest question Legolas has ever asked.


Yes, unfortunately.

TUMNUS: You don't know how many times I had to sit and listen to Tulkas's
boring stories about his wrestling matches with polar bears.


Then it seems that you shall have to suffer through understanding the
arguments between best friends.


SAURON (as Gandalf): All right, then, that's it. The rest of us are
returning to Arda; you two are remaining behind.
MAGLOR (as Gandalf): Oh, "best friends" my arse...I KNOW you two are
lovers, so why are you still trying to hide it from me?


Aragorn looked smug about it. Need I mention the incident with the goat?

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Now, that offends me! Bestiality is healthy and
natural, and there's no reason that I shouldn't...
MAGLOR (cringe): Chesterfield...
CHESTERFIELD (losing control): Well, come on! What other jokes am I supposed to
tell when they mention goats?!
MAGLOR (sigh): Fine.


Don’t you dare. Besides, goats are rather interesting creatures.

SAURON: They have this great way of eating garbage that just turns me
on...


You were walking around Rivendell with horns for a week!

ALL: OUCH!
TUMNUS: Oh, goodness...he couldn't have...
CHESTERFIELD: I don't even want to picture the state of his anus after that.


I remember that, Lord Elrond ended up sending me home to Mirkwood

MAGLOR: He shut Arwen up in her room for the week; this was also the
final, disgusting straw that sent Celebrian to the Undying Lands.


because I couldn’t stop laughing when you came near.

SAURON (mock shock): Oh, Legolas, you masochist!
CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Ha, ha, ha, Gandalf; I guess you're just plain
HORNY!! Ha, that was a GOOD one, wasn't it?!


It was entirely an accident, and also your fault.

TUMNUS (confused): Wait...if something is an accident, how can it also be
someone's fault? How is that possible?
SAURON: YOU'RE the one who gave me the idea of sticking goat horns up my...


Hermione said to Ron, “That other language is very unnerving, yet beautiful,
which is a total contradiction, because they seem to be arguing!”

*Pause*
MAGLOR (as Ron): Er...Hermione, what the hell did you just say? It made no
sense.


“I wonder what they are saying…”

ALL: Dun dun dunnnnnnn!

VVVVVVVVV

CHESTERFIELD (weatherman): On Saturday, there's a severe cold front coming
down from the northwest. It is suggested that citizens dress warmly.


The bell rang after class, and Harry and Ron showed Aragorn and Legolas to
Hagrid’s hut,

SAURON (as Harry): Now, there's some Blast-Ended Screwts behind the hut; why
don't you...mwa-ha-ha...go check them out?


while Hermione rushed off to Arithmancy, and then Harry and Ron took Boromir
off to waste an hour.

MAGLOR (brightening): This might turn out well after all! While Harry, Ron,
and Boromir get drunk in Hogsmeade, Aragorn and Legolas are murdered by
Blast-Ended Screwts!
TUMNUS: Well, at least it seems that Boromir is more of a friend to Harry and
Ron than sazza's two lust objects are.


“Gimli! Professor Hagrid, Nice to see you.” Legolas greeted.

CHESTERFIELD (as Gimli): Nice to see you too, you sissified ponce...I mean,
Legolas.
MAGLOR (as Hagrid): Blimey! He called me "professor"! No one's ever
done tha' before!


“Hey old friend.” Aragorn said to Gimli.

SAURON: "But you're not as good a friend as my bestest-best friend in
the whole wide world, Legolas... (giggle)..."


He then directed a question to Hagrid, “How many people are in this class?”
“Actually, no-one wanted to do it ‘cept you two and a couple of the Hobbits.

TUMNUS (wince): Oh, how perfectly convenient.

Here they come now, the little rascals.”

MAGLOR: Oh, Hagrid, that was inconsiderate. Just because you're a half-giant
doesn't mean you can—pardon the pun—belittle the poor hobbits.


Indeed, Merry and Pippin were running down the lawn from the castle.

SAURON (as Merry): Ha! I beat you! That proves my point; you need to go on a
diet, Pippin!
CHESTERFIELD (as Pippin): Yeah? Well, just remember; I whipped your ass in that
wrestling match, you pathetic weakling!


“You don’t know what you’re in for, you’ve got both the pairs of troublemakers
in one class,

MAGLOR (retching): Oh, how delightful.
SAURON: I foresee endless, asinine pranks in the future.


and the Hobbits don’t know it. What’ll we study today?”

CHESTERFIELD (as Hagrid): How to feed irritating elves to the giant spiders.


“I was thinkin’ o’ Thestrals, a’cos the others did ‘em in fifth year, but none
o’ you were ‘ere th’n. Ever ‘eard of ‘em?”

TUMNUS: Good Lord; it sounds like Hagrid has been drinking heavily.
SAURON: Sazza, you're horrible at writing out regional British accents. Just
give it up.


“No, what are they?” Pippin said excitedly.

MAGLOR: What are WHAT?
CHESTERFIELD: Thestrals.
MAGLOR: Oh, I beg your pardon; I got lost in the mess of apostrophes and
muddled accent in the last sentence.


Hagrid just grinned and said, “Follow me.”

SAURON (as Hagrid, aside): Aragog will have some fresh meat pretty
soon...mwa-ha-ha-ha...


VVVVVVVV

*Tumnus yodels loudly*
CHESTERFIELD (singing): For purple mountain majesties...


Prank ideas? Next chapter, Thestrals and stories,

MAGLOR: And misused commas.
TUMNUS: Let's hope nobody gives sazza any prank ideas.
*all exit the theater*



Review here
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
A/N:Just
to clear something up, like amandafenton13 said,

TUMNUS: Like WHO said?
SAURON: Wasn’t that a space shuttle that exploded?
CHESTERFIELD: That’s “Apollo 13,” Sauron.


Legolas’ last name is actually Thranduilion,

MAGLOR: “But Greenleaf is MUCH cuter!... (giggle)”

but I thought that the ‘last name’ Greenleaf would seem a little more English.

SAURON: And yet you left Aragorn and Boromir with their Sindarin names?
CHESTERFIELD: Ah, Suethor logic…it’s irrefutable.


Thanks for pointing that out,

TUMNUS: “Even though I’m not listening to you…”

and also I wanted the teachers, etc, to be calling him by the translation of
his name, while his friends call him his name.

CHESTERFIELD: “I mean, give me some credit: I WANTED to call him ‘sugar-baby-bun-buns’ or ‘Leggy-weggy’ or ‘my future hawt
husband,’ but I restrained myself. Doesn’t that show how mature I am?”


Sorry if that’s confusing!

MAGLOR: As Chesterfield said before, stop making
excuses and explain it more clearly, then!


I couldn’t come up with a suitable ‘last name’ for either Aragorn or Boromir,
so they’ve got what they’ve got.

SAURON: Translated from Suethor-speak into English, that means “I’m lazy, and since Aragorn and Boromir aren’t as hawt as Legolas, they aren’t as much fun to write about.”
TUMNUS (sigh): Bad fanfic authors are so transparent.


Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter or anything related.

*applause*

I do, however, own a copy of all the books and movies… :)

*Silence*
CHESTERFIELD:
Yuck…those smiley faces in a story.


which i can't watch because
the DVD player stuffed up. :(

TUMNUS: And apparently reading the books is absolutely out of the question.

Additional Disclaimer: I took most of what Hagrid says straight out of HP Order
of the Phoenix, p396-397, chapter The Eye of the Snake.

MAGLOR: Oh, no, plagiarism too?!
SAURON: Is she trying to make her story worse on purpose?


Obviously, i do not own that, so i
don't own Hagrid's words.

SAURON: “Now I’m free to plagiarize to my heart’s content!”
CHESTERFIELD:
Lazy bitch won’t even capitalize “I” in her author’s notes!


VVVVVVV

CHESTERFIELD (heart monitor): Beep…beep…beep…

Thestrals and Stories, chapter four of The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts.

MAGLOR (as Dumbledore): Fellowship, would you please stop slapping the walls
of the school? You’re disturbing the house-elves.


“Thestrals!” Hagrid pronounced proudly.

ALL: YAY!...huh?

He had led the four troublemakers into a clearing a short way into the Forest,

SAURON (as Hagrid, thinking): Thank Merlin they don’ know ‘bout th’ dangers
o’ th’ Forest, so they’re not
complainin’! I love transfer students!


and on the way had picked up a huge carcass of some
animal unfamiliar to the Fellowship members.

MAGLOR (completely confused): So they’ve never seen a cow before?
TUMNUS: Well, it’s not as if elves raise livestock…do they?


They had been told that it was half a cow, but none recognized the creature.

CHESTERFIELD (snort): Well, YEAH; don’t animals NORMALLY look different when they’re cut in
half?


Hagrid let out a piercing cry,

SAURON (as Hagrid): Argh ! Me groin hurts!

and then called again, before declaring the name of
the creatures.

TUMNUS: “Alfonso! Mary! Johnny! Isabel! Theodore T. Thestral!”

They all recognized them as the black horses that pulled the carriages for the
students,

SAURON: When did they ever have a chance to see the carriages?
CHESTERFIELD:
Hey, where’s Gimli? I thought he was assisting Hagrid! Oh, he’s not CUTE enough
to appear anymore…I forgot.


but now noticed that they were skeletally thin, and
had thin, leathery wings.

MAGLOR (gasp): Thuringwethil’s been breeding with
horses, and these are her offspring! Run!


“How many of you can see ‘em?” Hagrid asked, seemingly he didn’t expect them to
be visible.

TUMNUS: Well, think about it, Hagrid; if they WEREN’T visible, the
Fellowship would be creeped out seeing pieces of the cow carcass disappear.


All four of them raised a hand,

CHESTERFIELD:
Oh, so some Slytherin bullies cast a charm on them to make them all share a
hand.


and Legolas said, “Shouldn’t we be able to see them?
They look too thin, like they need a few square meals.”

SAURON: “Now, if they were obese, on the other hand, I wouldn’t be able to
see them at all.”


“Do any o’ you know anythin’ abou’
Thestrals?” Hagrid asked, obviously caught off guard
at all four being able to see them.

MAGLOR (sniff): Goodness, Hagrid, just because your new assistant is a
tubby, incompetent idiot…
TUMNUS: I thought you said the dwarfs should be respected!
MAGLOR: I know…I’m just speaking from sazza’s point of view.


Aragorn said, rather boldly, “By looking at these, I would discern that
Thestrals are extremely thin, black, horse-like creatures,
but with wings.”

*applause*
SAURON (shaking his head): He’s a regular brainiac,
that Aragorn.
CHESTERFIELD: I
think there’s a three-year-old somewhere who couldn’t have given that profound
answer.


Hagrid looked at the four students, and said,

MAGLOR: “Blimey, what a stupid, obvious lot yer are!”

“Thestrals are invisible to those as ‘aven’t seen death. Who was it?”

TUMNUS (as Hagrid): I’ll be reportin’ to Professor
Dumbledore on whoever cast tha’ stupidity charm on
yer!


Hagrid seemed genuinely interested, and ready to comfort in case the question
brought up negative emotions.

SAURON (shudder): Comforting from Hagrid?
MAGLOR: I would imagine recovering from THAT embrace with several broken ribs,
not to mention a forest of hair over your clothes.


Pippin said to Hagrid, “no-one close to me, just a lot of orcs,”-

TUMNUS: “Oh, and a random hyphen as well.”
CHESTERFIELD
(sneer): Oh, right; since Gandalf SURVIVES…


He was cut off by Merry, who interrupted with, “and those Wargs
that disappeared near Moria”-

TUMNUS: “And yet another hyphen…Sauron seems to hate hyphens…”
SAURON: I do not.


Who was cut off, rather (to Merry and Pip, anyway) out of character, by Legolas,

CHESTERFIELD (groan): Oh, shut up, Legolas!
MAGLOR: Look here; can he PLEASE get killed by a giant spider now?


who said, “and almost thirty giant spiders. My home is
infested.”

SAURON (as Hagrid): Great! Are yeh willin’ to sell
me any? I gotta breed up the colony again, now Aragog’s
dead…


Aragorn cut in, saying, “And, before you ask, Wargs,
Orcs and Giant Spiders are sentimental creatures that are pretty much plain
evil.”

TUMNUS: SENTIMENTAL?!
CHESTERFIELD: “They always bring you roses and sing you love songs before they kill you.”


“Righ’,” Hagrid commented. “So,
Thestrals.

MAGLOR: “Gettin’ a little off topic here…”

Yeah. Well, there’s loads o’ good stuff abou’ them.

SAURON: Oh, come on…this is the lecture that nearly got him sacked by
Umbridge!
TUMNUS: I still say Gandalf is a worse teacher than him.


‘Mazing sense o’ direction, yeh’ll
never be lost again.

CHESTERFIELD
(as Aragorn): Splendid! Can we take one back to Middle-Earth with us, seeing as
how Gandalf has pretty much screwed up guiding us to Mordor?


They also used to be thought of as bad omens, because o’ the death thing,

MAGLOR: “Bu’ tha’s nothin’
but rot! They’re just like Screwts; they only kill in
self-defense!”


but they just didn’ understand, they are real
creatures only seen by those witnesses to death.”

TUMNUS (confused): Didn’t he already say that?
SAURON: Why is Hagrid so nervous? It’s not like Umbridge is there now.
CHESTERFIELD: I
think he started longing for a pet Warg and lost his train of thought.


Half an hour later, they all headed for the castle,

SAURON (rolling his eyes): Fast forward here…

and Legolas and Aragorn began conversing in Sindarin,

*everyone yells with frustration*
MAGLOR: NOT AGAIN!


if only so that they wouldn’t lose touch with the
language itself.

CHESTERFIELD:
How can they possibly lose touch with it?! Legolas has been speaking it for
about 800 years!


So, Legolas, I was wondering if we could somehow tie Gandalf up, and force
him to


MAGLOR: Oh, my Iluvatar, NO!!!
TUMNUS: Gah! Disgusting!


listen as we tell the Hobbits and maybe some
students here about the goat incident.


CHESTERFIELD: Oh, well, that’s not much better.
SAURON: Must we hear the details about what Gandalf did with that goat? I don’t
want any nightmares tonight.


Don’t suppose we have access to a lot of rope, do we? The banister by the
marble staircase seems a likely place…


TUMNUS (shaking his head): They are putting WAY too much effort into this.

Aye, but we have to catch him in the first place,

CHESTERFIELD:
I think I still have that “How to Catch an Elusive Wizard” kit Elrond gave
me for my eighth birthday…


and you’ve been failing for just how many thousands of years now?

MAGLOR: Why in Arda would Legolas WANT to catch Gandalf?
SAURON (as Legolas): Well, how was I supposed to know he wasn’t interested in
having a threesome with us?!


I am nearly three thousand years old, and for your information
,


CHESTERFIELD
(bratty little kid): I’m immortal and an ELF, so I’m BETTER than you!
(sticks out his tongue)


I managed to catch him once when I was an elfling.

TUMNUS: I baited him with a bear trap full of biscuits.

Although I do sometimes wonder if he let me catch him.


SAURON (rolling his eyes): Oh, you think? When you were only an
elfling?


I was only ten, about the equivalent to a human four year old.

CHESTERFIELD:
Maglor, aren’t you going to say anything?
MAGLOR: No; I’m not wasting my breath.


Now that’s a story I would love to hear.

SAURON (as Legolas): Well, why don’t we discuss it in bed later on
… (roguish wink)


That’s all there is to it.

TUMNUS: Er…right.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, thanks for wasting space by putting it in the story, sazza.


Apart from the fact that my father and Gandalf were trying to have a
conversation, and I challenged him to a game of tag.


SAURON (as Thranduil): Oh, ho, ho! Kids say the
DARNDEST things, Mithrandir!
MAGLOR: I honestly wonder who won that game of tag.


Meanwhile, the Hobbits were having a rather different, yet eerily similar,
conversation…

CHESTERFIELD:
Wait…different…similar…what the hell?
SAURON (puzzled): So everyone wants to tie up Gandalf now?


“Merry! We don’t share a dorm with them,

CHESTERFIELD:
“I get so horny at night, and none of the Hufflepuff seventh-years are big
enough to satisfy me!”


how are we going to get them to tell us a funny
story?” Pippin whisper-yelled.

*uproarious laughter*
MAGLOR: “Whisper-yelled”…that’s rich.
TUMNUS: Write it down; I want to preserve it in my memory forever.


Merry rolled his eyes as he answered his best friend.

SAURON (as Merry): Pippin, Pippin; we’re not five years old anymore!
Just because fanfiction authors portray us that way…


“Pippin, I assure you, they will not be able to resist if they have stories
that embarrass each other.

*Pause*
CHESTERFIELD:
So…how has Aragorn been preparing to take the throne of Gondor, again?
MAGLOR: New successor, anyone?


Remember how when we were still in Rivendell and Legolas came running around
the corner,

SAURON (as Legolas): Well, hobbits, I have not brought the Sun! In fact,
Arien told me not to bother her until I started acting my
age and stopped falling in love with Sues…whatever that means…


screaming something in Elvish behind him?

TUMNUS (as Legolas): A RED SUN RISES!! THE RING MUST BE DESTROYED!!
GOBLINS!! BLOOD HAS BEEN SPILT THIS NIGHT!! A DIVERSION!! Ha, I learned all my
lines!
OTHERS: What?


Then Aragorn ran after him, threatening him about what he would do if that
‘incident’ with the King was made known?

MAGLOR (in horror): Now this is an incest fic?!
CHESTERFIELD:
Or an Aragorn and Thranduil pairing?!


I would love to know what happened, and I wouldn’t mind seeing Aragorn attempt
to torture the Elf.”

SAURON: “Elf torture is the best fun there is! I’m channeling the spirit of
Morgoth all of a sudden!”


VVVVVVVV

*ChesterfielD
hums “Jaws” theme*


“Herbology is in the greenhouses, that’s what Ron
told us.

*applause*
MAGLOR: “Yes! Ron got something right for a change!”


I think that they are halfway to the other side of the castle.” Legolas said to
Aragorn.

TUMNUS (pleading): Look, sazza, PLEASE stop
torturing us with endless narration about Legolas and Aragorn. I don’t care
WHAT you do after this; just PLEASE change the point of view!


“Indeed, but look, there’s four of them, I wonder which it is?” Aragorn
answered.

SAURON (dramatically): An exciting mystery awaits our intrepid heroes…will
Aragorn find the right greenhouse?


Turning to look behind them, they could see Merry and Pippin following them;
seemingly they too had Herbology next.

MAGLOR (mock amazement): I never would have guessed it!
CHESTERFIELD
(gasp): Do you think that Frodo and Sam and Boromir will have
Herbology with them as well?!


They stopped near the greenhouses, and soon saw Boromir, Harry, Ron and
Hermione coming down the lawn,

MAGLOR (smiling): I still think it’s splendid that Boromir, instead of
Aragorn and Legolas, is becoming close friends with the main characters of
“Harry Potter.”
CHESTERFIELD
(as Boromir): You have no idea what it’s like for Ron, Harry, and me, Hermione!
We have to listen to them having sex in our dormitory EVERY NIGHT…and it’s
repulsive…and I can’t bear the thought of that immature doofus
becoming king of Gondor…
SAURON (as Hermione): Calm down; I’m as upset about it as you are. How about we
leave to look for the Horcruxes tonight, and you can
come with us?


and Frodo and Sam joined them soon after,

TUMNUS (as Frodo): Sorry! We had to…er…do something!
SAURON (as Sam): Psssst, Mr. Frodo…I think you put on
my knickers by accident...


along with the other Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors.

MAGLOR: Who aren’t important enough to be introduced to the
readers.


“Come into Greenhouse Four, we’re studying plants with healing properties
today!” Professor Sprout called cheerfully.

CHESTERFIELD
(frustrated): What is this, Healing Day?! Did Madam Pomfrey plan the day’s
lessons?!
MAGLOR: No, it’s an excuse for Aragorn and Legolas to show off in class and be
obnoxious again.


When the entire class had filed inside, the saw that the entire greenhouse was
filled with plants that could be found in the wild, and had healing properties.

SAURON (sarcastically): Oh, and I actually thought Professor Sprout was
JOKING about studying plants with healing properties, and there wouldn’t be any
in the greenhouse.


“Athelas!” Aragorn whispered
to Legolas, pointing out a shelf where the weed was growing in pots.

TUMNUS (grimly): Saw it coming?
*everyone nods*
TUMNUS: I thought so.


“Some people do know about it then!”

MAGLOR: Believe me, there ARE intelligent people in this world besides you
and Legolas, Aragorn.


Ignoring the exclamation, Professor Sprout said to the class, “Do any of you
recognise any of these plants, or know their virtues?”

CHESTERFIELD:
There’s still hope left…maybe Aragorn and Legolas accidentally ate Puking
Pastilles and will have to run for a bathroom, so they won’t have to answer and
show off again…
MAGLOR: Don’t count on it.


Immediately, the hands of Hermione, Aragorn, Legolas, Pippin, Merry, Sam and a
Hufflepuff boy shot into the air.

SAURON: Yes! Go Hermione! Don’t let Aragorn and Legolas steal the title of
Hogwarts Know-it-All away from you!
TUMNUS: Go Hufflepuff boy! Don’t be discouraged by your lack of a name!


“Yes, McMillan?” Sprout said.

TUMNUS: Wait, isn’t it MAC-Millan?
MAGLOR: Oh, I don’t know.


“That plant over there is Aloe Vera, and it can help to relieve itchy bites.”

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, ten points to Hufflepuff, Ernie…fifty points if you talk
about the athelas before the two lovebirds can say
anything.


“And you, Miss Granger?”

SAURON: Oh, here we go…wake me when it’s over…
TUMNUS: Sauron, what are you talking about?
SAURON: Do you have ANY idea how Hermione rambles on whenever she answers a
question?
TUMNUS: Yes, but at least it’s better than Aragorn’s and Legolas’s flirting.


“The Aloe Vera, like Ernie said, and…” Hermione identified quite a few plants
and their properties, before Sprout turned to Legolas.

SAURON: Whoa!
CHESTERFIELD:
Yeah; I expected Hermione’s whole monologue to be written out!
MAGLOR (sneer): We don’t want to draw attention away from Leggy, now, do we?


“Mr Greenleaf?”

ALL: Blech…
CHESTERFIELD:
Sounds like the name of the host of a kid’s show.


“The athelas is a potent weed that can slow poison,
and help wounds to heal,

TUMNUS: “I’ll tell you all about how my sweetie-pie Aragorn used it to heal
me, if you’ll listen…”


and is exceptionally strong when used by a rightful King, a true Numenorean.”

MAGLOR: “Hint, hint…snicker…”
SAURON: Oh, brother; he’s going to do the whole “you owe him your allegiance”
routine, isn’t he?


The teacher was quite obviously shocked at the fact that anyone knew what
athelas was,

MAGLOR: Arda folk are not as dim-witted as you think, Professor Sprout.
CHESTERFIELD:
Wait…where’s Neville Longbottom?!
Wouldn’t HE have known what it was, at least?!
TUMNUS: Oh, poor Neville…sounds like he’s been scrapped from the story.


and so she asked. “How, Mr Greenleaf, do you know of
Athelas?

SAURON (as Legolas, stupidly): I’m smart, and I’m an ELF, silly!

Few wizards know of it, much less the fact that it is stronger in the hands of
a King.”

MAGLOR: Wouldn’t it be utterly USELESS in the modern world, then,
considering how few kings there are?
CHESTERFIELD: Well, I guess when Prince Charles
takes the throne of Britain…
MAGLOR: Yes, but Charles isn't a healer.
CHESTERFIELD: How do you know that?


“It has saved my life a number of times. Without the use of the weed, I would
have died at least twenty times.”

SAURON: “From all those times I got captured and raped by orcs and
Haradrim…”


“OK…. Mr Elrondion?”

TUMNUS: Well, actually, it would “Arathornion,”
but “Elrondion” IS easier to pronounce.


“I know of the athelas, but not any others. Before
you ask, I was brought up to use it when in trouble.”

CHESTERFIELD
(as Professor Sprout, indignantly): I wasn’t GOING to ask!
SAURON: Why does he keep saying that?!


“What about you, Mr Gamgee?”

MAGLOR: Oh, Eru, we’ll be here all day!
CHESTERFIELD:
Geez; can’t she just ASSUME everybody from Middle-Earth can identify it?!


“I only know of the kingsfoil, because Strider used
it last month.”

SAURON: “He’d had some left over from when he’d helped Mr. Frodo, and he put
it in his pipe and started smoking it.”


“Me and Pippin know of the kingsfoil
too, same reason as Sam.” Merry said before the teacher asked.

CHESTERFIELD
(Forrest Gump): “Me and Pippin was like peas and
carrots.”


“Kingsfoil?
What herb is kingsfoil?” Professor Sprout asked in
confusion. Aragorn answered her.

MAGLOR: Oh, please; we didn’t need this!
TUMNUS (rolling his eyes): Well, of course sazza has to show her
…(cough)…brilliant grasp of canon.


“In our homeland, Athelas also goes by the name
kingsfoil.”

SAURON: “DUH, Professor Sprout; I mean, everyone knows that!”

“Well, class, today we are going to be looking at some of the plants that have
healing properties.

CHESTERFIELD:
“Oh, bloody hell, why am I suddenly repeating myself…repeating
myself…repeating…HELP!”


I must say, I am shocked that so many people know of Athelas,
it is a very little-known herb. Now…”

TUMNUS (chipper falsetto): “We’re going to study some OTHER
speshul stuff that only the people from Middle-Earth know
about! Isn’t that so exciting?”


An hour later, Sprout dismissed the class, but asked the new students to
remain.

MAGLOR (confused): What for?
CHESTERFIELD: “
A word to the wise…don’t be so cheeky if you ever have a
class with Professor Snape.”


“Mr Elrondion, may I ask how exactly you came to know
the herb?”

SAURON (throwing up his hands): What DIFFERENCE does it make HOW he knows
about it?!


Aragorn readily answered. “Did the Headmaster tell you where we come from?

TUMNUS (as Professor Sprout): Er…no, he just said you were a load of Welsh
transfer students with strange names.
MAGLOR: I thought where they came from was supposed to be a secret!


I learnt the healing arts from my foster-Father, and the use of
Athelas was one deemed necessary.

CHESTERFIELD:
“And now sazza is screwing up my Arda dialect…badly…”


As Legolas said, I have used it a number of times when he got into a fix.”

SAURON: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge; say no more.
TUMNUS: For more information, read the countless,
insipid Aragorn-and-Legolas-are-best-friends-and-lovers fics on fanfiction.net.


It wasn’t my fault!... most of the time.
Legolas protested.

MAGLOR: I’m ten years old again! Whine, whine, whine!


“Not your fault?” Aragorn questioned, using Common so the others would
understand.

ALL: WHY?!

“How was it not your fault, pray tell?”

CHESTERFIELD:
Look, Aragorn, do you REALLY have to discuss this in front of a Hogwarts
teacher? Can’t you wait until you and Legolas are alone to have your lovers’
quarrels?


“I was attacked on most occasions, and you can hardly call being attacked my
own fault.

SAURON (rolling his eyes): Well, you DO have a bow, Legolas; there must be a
good reason why you didn’t spot the attackers with your keen Elven eyes and
shoot them immediately.


Anyway, last time, you were the one who gave our position away!”

TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Yeah, well, YOU’RE girly!... (
sticks out his tongue)
MAGLOR (as Legolas): And YOU’RE mean; I don’t want to be your friend anymore!... (sniffle)


“Now you're being immature!”

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, brother… (slams his forehead on
the back of his seat)
SAURON: Tell us something we don’t know, Aragorn!
MAGLOR: And are we ever going to learn WHY Aragorn and Legolas have the
mentality and dignity of seven-year-olds?!


“Boys! Stop this argument right now!” Sprout interrupted them.

TUMNUS: “You’re embarrassing me and making the readers cringe!”

“Professor Dumbledore said that you are from another world, and you aren’t what
you seem.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, so much for secrecy and the transfer-student disguise,
then.


Is Athelas commonly known in your homeland?”

SAURON: “Of course; it’s even more potent than pipeweed. All drug-dealers in
Gondor keep a well-stocked cupboard of it.”


Frodo answered, saying “Indeed it isn’t, We are among the few who know it’s
true value,

MAGLOR (as ditsy!Frodo): ‘Cause we’re just SPESHUL
and stuff like that…(giggle)


and only because I got stabbed by that horrible Wraith.”

TUMNUS: Oh, here we come back to the actual plot of the original story! I
thought they’d completely forgotten about the Ringwraiths!
SAURON: I think sazza forgot about them until now.


Boromir also answered after Frodo did, saying “I actually didn’t know until
today, because

CHESTERFIELD: “Unlike Faramir, I don’t waste time with all that healing and herb-lore crap.”

Aragorn doesn’t flaunt information around needlessly.

MAGLOR: “Unless, of course, it’s information we’d
RATHER NOT KNOW ABOUT…take the hint, Legolas!”


I was under the impression that Lord Elrond cured Frodo?” he asked Aragorn.

TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Oh, Boromir, what a silly idea! Elrond is too old and
grouchy-looking to have cured Frodo; Legolas and I actually did it!


“Indeed he did, I just used some athelas to slow the
poison, we were six days from Rivendell,

TUMNUS: So is Arwen or Glorfindel going to rescue Frodo in this version?
SAURON: Glorfindel! What the hell is this about Arwen rescuing Frodo, anyway?
TUMNUS: Never mind.


and a Man wouldn’t last six hours even with it,

MAGLOR: “Not even me.”

Frodo lasted six days with it, which is saying something about the resilience
of hobbits, that was powerful poison.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Your speech about hobbit resilience needs work, Aragorn.

Professor Sprout soon dismissed them, satisfied that Athelas
wasn’t well know in Middle-Earth,

SAURON (as Professor Sprout): Oh, good; I’d be so ashamed if a group of
midgets, an unwashed greaseball, and an unnervingly-girlish
elf knew more about Herbology than I did.


and suspecting that this Lord Elrond must be a strong
Healer,

MAGLOR (rolling his eyes): Oh, who would have guessed it?

who apparently brought Frodo back from almost death.

TUMNUS: But that doesn’t matter now, because the Ring seems to have vanished
when the Fellowship fell into Hogwarts.


VVVVVVVV

CHESTERFIELD: Sesame Street was brought to you today by
the letter “v”…
*silence*
CHESTERFIELD: Don’t worry; I’m just using that until I can think of a better riff for that
divider.
MAGLOR: Fair enough.


Legolas and Aragorn were in hiding at the top of the marble staircase after
dinner,

SAURON: Snogging each other SENSELESS.

waiting for Gandalf to come out of the Great Hall.
Boromir, Pippin, Merry, Sam and Frodo,

TUMNU (exasperated): In other words, the REST OF THE FELLOWSHIP?!

who had been told of the plan, were lying in wait
around the corner,

MAGLOR: Oh, I know you’re all upset that Gandalf led you here, but isn’t
taking revenge on him for it a bit harsh?


and when Gandalf came out of the Hall, the trap was
sprung.

CHESTERFIELD: A trap door opened in the middle of the floor, and Gandalf fell down it into
the Chamber of Secrets.


A rather large number of students had gathered around

SAURON (as Hermione): What’s the hold-up?
TUMNUS (as Harry): Oh, don’t tell me it’s more Death Eaters in Hogwarts…oh, no,
it’s the annoying “transfer students” with the funny names…surprise, surprise…


by the time Gandalf was secured to the banister,

CHESTERFIELD: You know, somehow I don’t think that Gandalf, wisest of the
Maiar, would really stand still and take this calmly.


and both Aragorn and Legolas were standing on the
stairs,

SAURON: Getting to third base…

triumphantly grinning down at the mass of students and teachers who had
arrived.

MAGLOR (as Aragorn): We have wonderful news! Legolas and I are to be wed!
TUMNUS (as Legolas): Thank you all for coming to the wedding! As you can see,
we are going to force Gandalf to perform the ceremony!


“Professor Dumbledore, You have told a few people that your brother had a nasty
incident with a goat!

CHESTERFIELD (as Dumbledore): Oh, no you DIDN’T…both of you, into my office! Now!

Would you like to hear the true tale?” Legolas announced,

ALL: For the love of everything good and decent, NO!!!

and Aragorn gagged Gandalf when he tried to protest.

MAGLOR: Yes, because Gandalf, powerful wizard, wisest of the Maiar, is
completely helpless when tied to a banister… (slams
his head on the back of his seat)
SAURON (puzzled): I would have thought gagging teachers was enough to get you
expelled from Hogwarts.


“I may have a few small details slightly wrong, as I was only ten when it
happened, but I remember it well!”

TUMNUS (shudder): “And I was scarred FOR LIFE!”
CHESTERFIELD:
He was only TEN? Poor kid.


By now, almost all the students and teachers, and some ghosts, were gathered
around.

MAGLOR: Well, they’ll be succeeding in their original plan: incapacitate the
entire school.
TUMNUS: Good Aslan, what did these poor children and the ghosts ever do to you,
that you must destroy their innocence forever?


Legolas and Aragorn beamed triumphantly,

*everyone hums “Here Comes the Bride”*

and Dumbledore said, rather loudly, “My dear brother, know that I have
absolutely nothing to do with this,

SAURON: “Just because I’m the headmaster of the whole bloody school doesn’t
mean I can take charge in this situation…never mind why; it just doesn’t!”


and I rest the entire blame on you!”

MAGLOR: Oh, yes; Dumbledore is making his usual in-character effort to
protect his staff from slander and discredit, I see.


Aragorn continued for Legolas, “I may not have been there, but I have heard all
the tales,

CHESTERFIELD: “Believe me, the song was sung in the Hall of Fire for many years after that!”

and when my brothers told me I nearly split my sides
laughing!

TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Bestiality is HILARIOUS, don’t you think? Especially if
it’s painful!


Our regal Defence Professor, decided to conduct an
experiment on a goat!”

SAURON (as Gandalf): Master Elrond, I’ve got the goat. Now bring me a
bucket, some test tubes, and an anal probe!


Legolas continued. “He said a rather long and complicated spell,

CHESTERFIELD:“Penis erecticus!
MAGLOR: “Anus widenius!


and the room flashed with yellow light.

TUMNUS: “Gandalf decided to add a touch of romance to the situation and put
strobe lighting in. Unfortunately, it didn’t work.”


My two friends and I, the twins being Aragorn’s brothers,

ALL (exasperated): FOSTER-brothers!

were on the floor laughing when we saw his plight!”

MAGLOR (wince): Peredhil and an elf of royalty ROLLING ON THE FLOOR?
SAURON: Maybe it was just a figure of speech.
CHESTERFIELD: Sheesh; these are really sadistic elves!


“The experiment,” Aragorn interrupted, “was to see if it possible to remove the
horns of the goat,”-

MAGLOR: WHY in Eru’s name would anyone want to do that?
SAURON: Maybe Gandalf was trying to make a new Horn of Gondor.


“And it didn’t go according to plan!

TUMNUS: Obviously!
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, couldn’t “remove the horns of the
goat” be a euphemism?


For, you see, the thing that was so funny,

SAURON: Look, will you get on with it?! We can figure out from here that
Gandalf had sex with the goat!


was the fact that the horns of the goat had plastered
themselves to his own head!”

*Silence*
TUMNUS: Erm…ha, ha?
MAGLOR (incredulous): That was supposed to be FUNNY?
CHESTERFIELD(shocked): But…where’s the bestiality?!


This proclamation was met by uproarious laughter from everyone gathered,

SAURON: “Ha, ha, ha…wow…droll…um, we have to go now…”
CHESTERFIELD: I don't understand it. Why would you even
WANT to interpret the phrase "inappropriate charms on a goat" in a
G-rated fashion?


and muffled protests from Gandalf himself.

ALL: “Mmmmmph…mmmmph…BASTARDS!!”

“It gets better from here!” Aragorn exclaimed.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, geez; it had BETTER!

“For, my friends, the horns wouldn’t go away for a week,

CHESTERFIELD (scowl): Oh, what a surprise; I’m disappointed.
MAGLOR: Well, perhaps the situation was supposed to be amusing in its dullness?


every time my brothers or Legolas went near him, they
would crack up laughing,

SAURON: You know, is it possible that this is supposed to be subtle
anti-Semitism?
ALL: Hmmm…


and eventually got sent away from Rivendell!”

MAGLOR (irritably): Like TODDLERS, for Eru’s sake!
CHESTERFIELD: Good Saruman…


An evil grin crossed Legolas’ face.

TUMNUS: Oh, HERE comes the bestiality…believe it or not,
I actually hope that’s the case.


“Oh, yes, and when we got a day out from Rivendell, we came up with a plan.

TUMNUS (groan): And then again…
MAGLOR (angrily): Prankster Peredhil. I wondered when they would come into this
story.


We left our escort, and left a note, saying where we had gone.

SAURON: “We’re good little elfies; we didn’t want our escort to be WORRIED about us!”
MAGLOR: Wait…why would they need an escort? Aren’t they GROWN-UP WARRIORS?


We arrived back in Rivendell the next morning,

CHESTERFIELD: Listen to Lord Elrond? Nah.

and between the three of us, painted a rather accurate
picture of our teacher with horns.

TUMNUS (deadpan): So painting is one of the other many talents of Leggy-boy
and the Prankster Peredhil.
SAURON: Hey, doesn’t that sound like the name of a band? “Let’s go see
Leggy-boy and the Prankster Peredhil tonight!”


To this day, it still hangs on the wall of the twins’ room,

CHESTERFIELD: “And the twins frequently spend their time drawing swastikas all over it and
writing offensive things about Jewish people on it.”


and Gandalf can’t physically remove it even though we
always force him to look at it!”

MAGLOR: Oh, the crowning glory. It’s hilarious, really, it is…or not.
SAURON: A word of advice, sazza: NEVER try to tell funny stories. You’ll make
yourself very unpopular.


The room erupted with laughter,

TUMNUS: For Aslan’s sake, are they THAT desperate for something to laugh at
in Hogwarts?!
CHESTERFIELD (disgustedly): Boy, sazza, did you waste a perfectly good opportunity to
actually make this funny.


and Gandalf tried to protest again, but what is
already done cannot be undone, no matter what one wishes.

MAGLOR: Hear that, Sauron?
SAURON (scowl): Oh, shut up.
CHESTERFIELD: Well, she’s right about writing the Gandalf and goat story…WITHOUT THE
BESTIALITY!
TUMNUS: Indeed; I wish she hadn’t done it.


VVVVVVV

CHESTERFIELD: In Roman numerals, that’s 5,555,555.
MAGLOR (cringe): I’d say that’s the number of times we’ve had to read about
Aragorn and Legolas flirting with each other in this fic.


As can be imagined, Gandalf wasn’t very happy when he next saw Aragorn and
Legolas,

SAURON (hopefully): He tied them up, burned them, and threw goat droppings
into their graves. The end.


and Merry and Pippin decided that they had to do
better, because they were the trouble makers after all, weren’t they?

CHESTERFIELD(as sazza): But since Aragorn and Leggy are so much HAWTER, they’re much BETTER
pranksters, of course!!11 Lolz!!!1
TUMNUS: DESPITE the fact that it makes no sense…


Prank ideas, anyone?

MAGLOR: Well, at least so far no one has listened to her plea for pranks.
SAURON: How about she begs for the ability to write decent jokes, while she’s
at it?
*all exit the theater*



Review here
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
14Disclaimer: I don’t own anything,

MAGLOR: Well, except this mysterious number 14 just before my disclaimer…

not even the nickname tithen las,

SAURON: “Titan Lass”? That sounds like the name of a pub.
CHESTERFIELD: Nah, I think it’s “tartan lass”; there’s going to be a
reference to the Scottish highlands in this chapter.


which I can’t remember who owns.

TUMNUS (mock thoughtfulness): Well, since it’s
SINDARIN, and TOLKIEN created Sindarin, could it be that…TOLKIEN owns it?


It means little leaf, and I just love it.

MAGLOR (wince): Who would nickname their child or friend “little leaf”?
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, that’s better than “little cabbage,” which is what the
French use.


And yes, I said that in Sindarin!

ALL: Er…no you didn’t.

Because: this means Sindarin and “this means Common or English”

ALL: Oh, shut up about that!

This chapter is dedicated to Medilia

TUMNUS (as sazza): She’s my pet rock.

because she was the inspiration for the last prank in
the chapter.

MAGLOR: Oh, no; not more pranks!
CHESTERFIELD(groaning): Any more lame-ass pranks, and I’m gonna
hurt somebody.


Thanks, Medilia!

ALL: Burn in hell, Medilia!

Pranks and Girl Problems,

SAURON: Oh, come on; casting a spell on Aragorn and Legolas so that they
start menstruating is going TOO far.
*Maglor looks stunned*


chapter five of The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts.

TUMNUS: Hopefully Hogwarts will rise up to defend itself soon.

Sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room with Boromir, Legolas, Harry, Ron,
Hermione and Ginny,

CHESTERFIELD(sigh): Yes…get on with it, in the next ten years or so, will ya?

Aragorn looked at the strange contraption on the wall.

TUMNUS (puzzled): I thought there was no electricity at Hogwarts.
MAGLOR (as Aragorn): So you throw darts and hope to hit the man in the eye?
What is the point?


Ron had spent a few nights in summer trying to teach Aragorn how it worked and
what it did,

CHESTERFIELD: But Aragorn was just too thick-headed to catch on.

but he was still having trouble understanding why they
didn’t count the hours from sunrise and sunset.

SAURON: Wait…they do. Wizards tell time, don’t they?
CHESTERFIELD: What the hell?


The clock, as the strange round thing was called,

MAGLOR: Oh, it’s a CLOCK! That explains everything!
TUMNUS: Yes, thank you for letting us know after completely confusing us!


had two ‘hands’ on it, and Aragorn was still trying to
figure out how to read it easily.

CHESTERFIELD: Wait a second; I assume if they can’t read English letters, they can’t read Arabic or Roman numerals. So do their language bracelets translate the numbers or what?
SAURON: Shut up! Do you want sazza to start rambling on about it?


After careful consideration, he decided that it was saying five to twelve, not
eleven o’clock.

*everyone sighs with relief*
MAGLOR: Phew; I was worrying about whether Aragorn would learn to tell time or
not.
SAURON: Yes, it’s one of the most important parts of taking the throne of
Gondor.


Most of the other inhabitants of Gryffindor
Tower had already taken

CHESTERFIELD: Cyanide pills, to get out of this embarrassing slash-promotion.

to their beds, and Aragorn was supposedly listening to
whatever it was that the others were discussing.

TUMNUS: But he was actually planning out the design for the karaoke bar he
was going to build in Minas Tirith.


Legolas looked around to find his best friend staring at the clock,

SAURON (as Aragorn): Dammit; still two hours and forty minutes until “America’s Next Top Model” comes on!

and so decided to tell him to go to bed,

MAGLOR (as Legolas): Aragorn Estel Arathornion,
you go up to bed this instant, young man!


and maybe do so himself as well.

CHESTERFIELD: In Aragorn’s bed, of course.

Estel he called softly.

MAGLOR: Estel, Estel, wherefore art thou Estel…?

Estel, let us retire for the night. You need
your sleep.


SAURON: Heh, heh, wink, wink…
TUMNUS: Argh! What is WITH all this innuendo?!


Aragorn answered by saying, Of course, tithen las.

*Silence*
MAGLOR (hushed): Oh, my Eru…he nicknamed Legolas “little leaf”. “Little leaf,”
I ask you! Do you know how WRONG that sounds?!
*Another pause, before the others burst out laughing*


I assume that you are also going to bed?

CHESTERFIELD: With me, of course, my cute little leaf?

Naturally. Legolas replied.

TUMNUS: Oh, Aslan, I can’t watch…
SAURON: It’s OBVIOUS they’re sleeping with each other! Why is sazza still
trying to hide it?


The pair told the others that they were going to bed, and Boromir consented to
come.

ALL (in horror): THREESOME!!

When Harry and Ron came up to the top of the staircase, they got the shock of
their lives.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, my Saruman, IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE!!
TUMNUS: This IS hell, right?
MAGLOR: Ugh!


VVVVVVVVV

SAURON: Hey, it’s the teeth marks Aragorn left on Legolas’s arse!

Merry, Pippin and Sam were sitting on Pippin’s bed,

MAGLOR: NOOOO!
CHESTERFIELD: Now for some hot hobbit lovin’!


discussing ways to get Legolas and Aragorn to tell
them stories.

TUMNUS: Er…are you sure you still want to do that,
after the insipid, painfully-boring goat story?


During the Quest they had found the pair to be brilliant at telling stories,

SAURON: Every night, Aragorn and Legolas would volunteer as the
putter-to-sleepers for the rest of the Company. Within minutes of their boring
tales, the entire Fellowship would be out like a light.
MAGLOR: “Putter-to-sleepers”?


but also found that they preferred small audiences.

CHESTERFIELD: Ha, ha, small audiences, and hobbits are small…get it?
*everyone groans*


They were also debating on what it was that could get Aragorn so desperate to
not have it known, and have Legolas gleefully taunting him about.

TUMNUS: Huh?
MAGLOR: I think in a nutshell, they want to split up Aragorn and Legolas, so
that they don’t have to listen to or watch them having sex anymore.


Sam declared that he wast tired, and went to his own bed to get some sleep.

SAURON: And some sweet lovin’ with Frodo…

Merry and Pippin soon turned the topic of conversation to pranks.

MAGLOR: Pranks, pranks, pranks. That’s ALL they ever talk about; that’s all
they ever do! You’d think sazza would write about something interesting or
important, such as learning to do magic, or Voldemort, or trying to return to
Arda, but instead, IT’S JUST ENDLESS, STUPID, RIDICULOUS PRANKS!


“Hey Pip,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, that’s Merry’s cute lover’s nickname for him; his equivalent of “little leaf”.
SAURON: Yeah; in their secret language it means “little potato”.


you know how they tied up Gandalf, what if we did that
to them?”

TUMNUS: These hobbits are a creative lot, aren’t they?

“It’d be just copying though, Merry! We have to at least make it bigger and
better!”

CHESTERFIELD: Well, you could always cast a spell to make Legolas’s and Aragorn’s penises fall off; that would be doing us all a favor.

“Well, how about we hang them upside down in the kitchens, just out of reach of
the food!”

MAGLOR: Oh, that’s much better and more creative than the tying-up idea…not.
SAURON: Who is giving sazza these ideas for pranks? I want to kill him or her.


“Merry, you are brilliant! Do you know where the kitchens are?”

TUMNUS (as Merry): Of course! I’m brilliant, like you said!

“No idea, but I think that Harry and Ron do. I’ll ask them tomorrow.”

CHESTERFIELD: “Only don’t mention it to Hermione, or she’ll try to get us to join S.P.E.W. and lead a house-elf strike.”

“So we need rope, I hope that there are rafters to hang them by, we need… umm…”

MAGLOR: Just use the rope that Aragorn and Legolas used to tie up Gandalf!

“Let’s think about it tomorrow and we’ll make sure that all is set.

SAURON: “In the meantime, I bought some magical lubricating ointment in
Hogsmeade, and I’d like to…heh, heh…try it out…”


The best time to hang them would be just before dinner,

TUMNUS (gasp): They’re going to hang them in an execution!
*everyone cheers*


so that all the food is in the kitchens, being cooked!”

ALL: HOORAY!...what?

VVVVVVVV

CHESTERFIELD: You know, I think I’ve seen that pattern on a Navajo blanket.

At around two o’clock, when Harry and Ron came up to the dormitory, Aragorn,
Boromir and Legolas were woken by two horrified screams.

CHESTERFIELD: “Baby oil?!! Noooo!!!”

Dean, Neville and Seamus also jerked

SAURON: Off?

awake,

SAURON: Oh.

Seamus muttering something about an attack by You-Know-Who.

TUMNUS (mock laughter): Oh, that’s our Seamus! He hasn’t even figured out
that Voldemort doesn’t even exist in this story!


Both Harry and Ron were staring at Legolas, mouths hanging open, eyes wide.

MAGLOR: He was handcuffed to the bedstead, and there were whip-marks on his
thighs!


Legolas and Aragorn, upon realising the reason for
their shock, burst out laughing,

SAURON: “Oh, kids; always a shock when they discover pain in sex! I think
we’ll have some explaining to do here…”


and Boromir just looked strangely at Harry and Ron.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): You’ve JUST figured out that Aragorn does this to Legolas every night? Boy, I would have thought you would’ve gotten a clue by how Legolas looks exhausted and walks with a limp in the mornings.

“H… He… was…. His eyes…” Ron managed to stutter,

TUMNUS: “The spiders…the spiders…they w-want me to tap-dance!”

just as Harry started to regain control of his shock.

SAURON (as Harry): C’mere, you…

“He was…like he was… dead.” Harry whispered the last word,

MAGLOR (stunned): Was Aragorn THAT enthusiastic?
TUMNUS (as Harry, disappointingly): And I was hoping we’d finally be rid of
him!


and it only made Aragorn and Legolas laugh harder,

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Oh, don’t worry! My anus is well up to the task of endless, rough, painful sex! It’s LOOKS much worse than it is!
MAGLOR: Chesterfield, you are disgusting.


and Boromir started chuckling as well.

SAURON (as Boromir): BDSM and kink are just as funny as all get-out…

The other five boys were staring worriedly at them, concerned for their sanity,

TUMNUS: Of course, since they normally did this whenever the two lovers
started whispering in Sindarin to each other and walking with their arms around
each other’s waists, this was nothing new.


and eventually they calmed down enough to talk.

CHESTERFIELD: “Hahahahahahaha! So…yeah…where were we?”
SAURON (Humphrey Williams): “Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the
vagina?”


Aragorn started to explain. “Was he perfectly still, on his back?”

MAGLOR: “It’s this little game we play; he is Sleeping Beauty, and I have to
wake him up with a kiss and some oral sex…”


Ron nodded, not trusting himself to speak,

TUMNUS: Indeed; in this fic, whenever he does speak, he always sounds
stupid.


along with the other four teens.
Boromir continued. “He is an Elf.”

SAURON: Huh?
CHESTERFIELD: So…elves typically lie down and play dead, Maglor?
MAGLOR: No!


He said it as if that explained everything, but it only made the teens more
confused.

TUMNUS: They’re not the only ones.
MAGLOR: How would Boromir know about elf habits, anyway?


“Aren’t elves those little wrinkly things that serve in the kitchens and often
the homes of purebloods?” Dean asked.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, boy…now we’re in for a huge bout of culture shock and a
long, boring explanation of the different elf species.
TUMNUS (incredulously): “Little wrinkly things”?


Legolas exploded. “Little! Wrinkly!

SAURON: “I have a very strong, large, healthy penis, which is more than you
can probably say for yourself!”


In all my very long life I have never come across a little or wrinkly Elf!

TUMNUS: “Not even the females, who don’t even HAVE penises, are little and
wrinkly!”


And furthermore, Elves don’t serve lesser races! Ever!”

MAGLOR: Er…Orodreth… (cough)…Turin… (cough)…
CHESTERFIELD: Celebrian in that awful story… (cough)…
SAURON: The “lesser races” comment was a bit tasteless, don’t you think?


Legolas, calm down!

TUMNUS: You’re two thousand bloody years old! Grow up!

I don’t think Elves are the same in this world.

CHESTERFIELD: So tell it to Dean Thomas, Aragorn. Sheesh.

Aragorn frantically tried to stop his best friend’s ranting.

MAGLOR (as Aragorn): Oh, he’s embarrassing me again…
SAURON (as Aragorn): He’s not as good in bed when he gets angry like this…


He was partially successful.

TUMNUS: Instead of whining, Legolas went into a corner to sulk and pout like
a slapped little girl.


Estel, I won’t calm down! Not when they are accusing Elves of being little
and wrinkly!


SAURON (laughing): Good grief, if the Avari were this shallow, no wonder they weren’t interested in going to Aman! No wonder Morgoth was able to capture so many of them!
CHESTERFIELD: He’s got a point, though. If Feanor had been little and wrinkly, how could he possibly have fathered seven sons?


Legolas had simply started yelling in Sindarin rather than Common.

MAGLOR (as sazza): ‘Cause this means Sindarin…ARGH! Make it stop!

Boromir started explaining what Elves are to the bewildered teenagers,

TUMNUS: Chaps, I think we underestimated Boromir’s role in this story.
SAURON: He’s the only member of the Fellowship still in touch with reality.
MAGLOR (shaking his head): He has all my sympathy right now.


over the incomprehensible dialect,

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): SO THE REASON WHY LEGOLAS IS SO UPSET…GODDAMN IT, YOU TWO, WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?!

which sounded both beautiful and angry at the same time.

MAGLOR: Rather like Luthien when she met Sauron in Tol-in Gaurhoth, eh?

“Legolas is an Elf. In our world, Elves are tall and strong, and posses ethereal beauty.

TUMNUS: “And large…ahem… ‘wands,’ of course.”
SAURON (as Hermione): Oh, this is going to be so great for S.P.E.W. purposes…wait ‘til the house-elves hear this!


If he was allowed to wear his hair as he prefers,

CHESTERFIELD: “He would probably stop PMSing.”

braided in the style of the Mirkwood warriors, you would see what I mean.

MAGLOR (incredulously): So the defining feature of an elf is his or her hair?

Elves also posses immortality, and don’t age as fast as Men.

TUMNUS: Logically, wouldn’t you think that anybody reading this story would
already KNOW this?
SAURON: Or else we could just go back to the first chapter and read it.


When they reach the equivalent of, I think forty, they stop ageing at all.

CHESTERFIELD: “Naturally, this drove the nursing-homes in Rivendell, Lothlorien, and Eregion completely out of business.”

They can be killed though, in battle or by grief,

*everyone yawns and makes snoring noises*

and they heal amazingly quickly.

MAGLOR: Er…no they don’t. Look at my brother, my father, and my grandmother,
if you don’t believe me.


That is about all that I know of Elves,

TUMNUS (shrug): Probably more than the average Gondorian knows.
SAURON (as Boromir): And I only know this because Faramir let me copy his homework all the time when we were kids.


apart from the fact that they don’t sleep as Men do, unless gravely injured or sick,

CHESTERFIELD: Eh…what? Isn’t it a biological necessity to sleep?
TUMNUS (puzzled): So how can they even survive?


rather they go into what I call an Elven-trance, with their eyes open.

MAGLOR: Boromir, just stop talking; you’re making this up as you go along.
SAURON: At least he’s not whining about his alleged tiny penis.


“I know most of that from what Aragorn told us on the first night away from Rivendell,

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Now, in tonight’s lesson about elvish biology,
we’re going to discuss the reproductive system and the sexual organs…sigh…


when Pippin was on watch and thought that Legolas had died.

MAGLOR (irritably): Not stupid!Pippin again!
TUMNUS: Eh, Legolas faded away because he didn’t want to be in this fanfic.


The look on his face was identical to that on yours upon finding him,

SAURON: “He started stuttering and jabbering about tap-dancing spiders too!
It was a real laugh!”


and we’ve been teasing him for weeks.”

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah, ‘cause it’s not like they have anything better to discuss.

“Wow.” Neville said, looking at the Elf in question in a totally new light.

TUMNUS: Some Muggle-born environmentalist had put compact fluorescent light
bulbs in the Gryffindor dormitory.
SAURON (as Boromir): Oh, typical…I give the explanations, and perfect Leggy-boy
gets all the attention…you all make me sick.


VVVVVVVV

CHESTERFIELD (announcer): Ride the Weirdly Thrilling Divider, the tallest and fastest roller coaster in the world, only at Cedar Point!

After breakfast, Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas, Harry and Hermione headed for Transfiguration.

MAGLOR: On the way there, they were captured by Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix
Lestrange, and taken to Voldemort to be tortured.
SAURON: No, Maglor, remember? That’d be CANON.
MAGLOR (scowl): Oh, of course.


When they got there, they met up with Frodo and Sam,

TUMNUS (exasperated): EVERY class has to be the whole Fellowship together!
EVERY CLASS! This is getting ridiculous!


who had no idea where Merry and Pippin had disappeared off to.

CHESTERFIELD: I’ve got a pretty good idea.
MAGLOR: Though, judging by the fact that Sam and Frodo looked revolted, they
were lying.


Professor McGonagall let the class in, and the two rogue hobbits ran around the
corner with Ron just as the last student was entering.

SAURON: “Rogue hobbits”? Like “rogue Bludger”?

“Sorry we’re late, Professor,” Merry began.

CHESTERFIELD: “We had this quickie we wanted to attend to and…I mean, our dogs ate our homework…I mean…oh, shit!”

“But we were looking for a Second Breakfast

TUMNUS: Well, that shouldn’t make them late. Just go to the kitchens and ask
the house-elves for it.


and you’re culture is just as strange as the Elves.

MAGLOR: “Neither race knows how to use an apostrophe correctly! I mean, what
is up with that?”
SAURON (as Legolas): Hey, I resent that, you meanies!


Only four meals a day!

CHESTERFIELD (exasperated): So they’ve been traveling in the wild for about
a month, they’ve been at Hogwarts for a week, and they STILL haven’t gotten
used to eating fewer than six meals?


We live on at least five, and often six.

TUMNUS (as McGonagall): Oh, thanks for the excuses, but now isn’t really the time to discuss hobbit habits. Ten points each from Hufflepuff.

I really don’t get how anyone of any race can not eat.” Pippin finished,

SAURON: What about if they’re anorexic? Or in a coma?


as Ron snuck into the seat beside Harry. Merry and Pippin went and sat at the desk near Frodo and Sam’s,

MAGLOR (as Boromir): You know, I’m feeling a bit lonely here…Merry, Pippin?
I kind of thought you two wanted to be my closest friends and little-brother-stand-ins…eh, never mind.


and pulled out the other reason for their being late.

CHESTERFIELD: A pack of condoms and a bottle of lubricant.

Two Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes Fireworks, courtesy of Ron.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, I knew it; they had to take time to find…huh?

As McGonagall wrote on the board,

TUMNUS: Blimey, discipline has become pretty lax at Hogwarts. McGonagall hasn’t taken any points away for being late, the teachers let the two lovers tie up and gag Gandalf…

Merry and Pippin set the things up on their desk,

SAURON: What “things”? Can we get at least a LITTLE detail here?

then lobbed them through the air,

MAGLOR: Oh, they lobbed the “things” through the air…excellent.
CHESTERFIELD: I hope these “things” were sledgehammers.


one hit the left side of Aragorn’s desk, and the other hit the right side of Legolas’.

TUMNUS: So, you could describe where the “things” fell, in exact relation to
Aragorn’s and Legolas’s desks, but you couldn’t tell us what they are?
SAURON: I don’t think sazza knows either.


As you should know, a hobbit has deadly aim with a rock,

MAGLOR: Therefore, the hobbits always won the Gondor versus the Shire
rock-throwing tournament.


and it is just so with a firework.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, these were FIREWORKS they were throwing! Thanks again,
sazza, for introducing your inanimate objects too late!
TUMNUS (confused): So they want to kill Aragorn and Legolas? I mean, their
motive makes perfect sense to me, but why not just use Avada Kedavra?


Both exploded at the same time, one a huge round sparky
thing,

SAURON (gasp): An unusually fat Dalmatian!

cartwheeling around the room,

CHESTERFIELD(cheerleader): Let’s be hip, let’s be cool; hip hooray for Hogwarts school! Estel, Leggy, hip hooray; who cares if they’re flaming gay! Rah!

the other a red and silver dragon, breathing gold sparks into people’s faces.

TUMNUS: Oh, now you just ripped off Gandalf, Fred and George!
MAGLOR: How would they have known that Gandalf was there, anyway?


Everyone started screaming, except for Merry and Pippin, who were laughing,

SAURON (to the tune of the “Animaniacs” theme): “We’re pyromaniacs…”

and Aragorn and Legolas, who had been thrown backwards with the force of the
exploding fireworks.

CHESTERFIELD: And they landed on their heads, and never woke up from their comas for the rest of the year. The end.

Their faces were covered in soot, and they were staring dazedly up at the ceiling,

MAGLOR: “Mmmm…look at all the pretty stars…swirling, swirling, swirling…”

unconscious to their surroundings, just trying to get the room to stop spinning.

TUMNUS (as Legolas): Stoppium spinnium! Finite whirligig!

McGonagall dragged the four up to Dumbledore’s office,

SAURON: But why couldn’t she just punish them herself?
TUMNUS: I think she’s just going to yell at Dumbledore for allowing the Fellowship into Hogwarts in the first place.


Legolas and Aragorn still confused,

MAGLOR: “Estel, when did we become such idiots”?

and Pippin and Merry still chortling, after she dispatched the horrid fireworks.

CHESTERFIELD (as Pippin): Inflicting pain’s fun, huh, Merry? Maybe we should have gone to Mordor and asked Sauron for a job.

Dumbledore didn’t believe that the fireworks had been Aragorn’s and Legolas’,

TUMNUS: Oh, right; because Aragorn and Legolas wanted to commit suicide…go
out with a bang, so to speak. I’m glad to know not EVERYBODY in this story is
completely daft.


and saw right through Merry and Pippin’s lies,

MAGLOR (as Dumbledore): Lying to the headmaster, as well as trying to kill
your fellow students?! This is an offense that calls for expulsion!


giving them detention with McGonagall for a week.

SAURON (frustrated): They tie up and gag a teacher, act cheeky in class,
come late, try to kill other students, and lie to Dumbledore...what the hell does it take to be expelled from this school?!
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah; Harry and Ron were nearly expelled for crashing the flying
car into the Whomping Willow, and that was an accident!


He then sent the two thoroughly confused Gryffindors to the healing wing,

MAGLOR: Actually, that would be the “Hospital Wing”.
TUMNUS: Well, to continue with the theme of Middle-Earth-style healing…


suspecting them to have concussions, burns, or simply be suffering from shock.

CHESTERFIELD: And that's another one of the great prank ideas sazza has: attempted murder of fellow students. Oh, that’s going to be fun for all concerned.
SAURON (shaking his head): Sazza, in mercy’s name: please stop writing about
these stupid pranks.


When they were released from Madam Pomfrey’s care,

MAGLOR (as Madam Pomfrey): All right, fine; I'll give you lollipops! Good heavens.

it was already time to go to Charms, and they were not looking forward to the class with the Ravenclaws.

TUMNUS: They’d have to be away from the hobbits for the FIRST TIME that day!

Poor, poor Legolas, who had a thick orange paste on his cheek

CHESTERFIELD: Legolas, stop playing with the cake frosting.

and right arm to treat burns, couldn’t wear his robes

ALL (singing): I’m too sexy for my robes…too sexy for my robes…

because they would chafe his burnt arm so he had to wear his Elven attire,

MAGLOR: And…a tunic wouldn’t chafe his arm even more? Yes, very logical, sazza.

which left his arms bare except for the shoulder.

SAURON (as sazza): Aw, Leggy’s bare arms!!!11 Lyke, that’s so sexy, omg!!!!!111

Aragorn also had mild burns on his face,

TUMNUS: So why isn’t HE being described as “poor, poor” as well?
SAURON (as sazza): ‘Cause he’s smelly and hairy, lyke yuk!!111 So he’s not as hawt and qt and sexy as my twu wuv Leggy-weggy!!!!11111


and his left arm was in a sling,

CHESTERFIELD (puzzled): You treat burns using slings?
MAGLOR: I think Boromir finally got frustrated with Aragorn’s and Legolas’s
flirting and broke his arm.


his forearm covered in the thick burn cream.

SAURON (Willy Wonka): The Cream Room: dairy cream, whipped cream, coffee
cream, vanilla cream, violet cream, hair cream, and...burn cream?


When they arrived at the classroom, they saw that the desks were in long rows,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, geez; this is starting to make the Sweet Valley High series look exciting!
TUMNUS: You know, if they were at a school for magic, wouldn’t they have something MORE INTERESTING to notice than the fact that the bloody desks are in bloody rows?


and almost every single girl had left an empty spot beside her,

MAGLOR: Oh, some of the Hogwarts ghosts have decided to join the class.

and was looking pointedly at either Legolas or Aragorn.

SAURON (as Legolas, stupidly): Duh, huh, Aragorn, why are they all looking at us?
TUMNUS (as Aragorn, stupidly): I dunno, but it CAN’T have anything to do with our holding hands…


They opted to disappoint the girls,

MAGLOR (pause): What?

and took the seats in the back corner next to Ron.

CHESTERFIELD: "So you think girls have cooties too, Ron? Great! We're all in this together!"

The girls all sadly grouped together again.

SAURON: Oh, COME ON.
CHESTERFIELD: So why aren’t they ogling Boromir or Harry or Ron or Seamus? They're not exactly trolls.


They then spent the entire lesson ignoring Flitwick

TUMNUS: You know, girls, unrequited love is going to seem much worse if you
fail all your classes.


and instead continued to plan revenge on the wayward Hobbits.

MAGLOR: Why?
SAURON: “Those damn hobbits stole our crushes away from us! They WILL pay!”


The lunch bell rang, and Flitwick set the homework

CHESTERFIELD: On fire.
TUMNUS: To sixty degrees Fahrenheit.


(write about the practicality of the invisibility charm, and also the problems often encountered when using it)

SAURON (as Harry Potter): “Practicality of the Invisibility Charm”…let’s
see…”Who needs the invisibility charm when you’ve got an Invisibility
Cloak?”…er…”The main problem with it is that you have to use it.”


which the three Fellowship members ignored.

MAGLOR: So…they aren’t even TRYING to learn anything at Hogwarts; they’re
just going to harass the students and teachers until they can return to Arda.
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, pretty much.


They went to the Great Hall and ate with gusto,

*everyone makes rocket noises*

before Aragorn and Legolas started to head back to

TUMNUS: Bed?

the hospital wing

TUMNUS: Oh.

to get the dressings off their burns.

SAURON: “Whoever told Madam Pomfrey that gravy is very soothing to burns
should be shot.”


They weren’t far out of the Hall, though, before they were confronted by the
first delusional teenage girl.

CHESTERFIELD: “Frodo’s in love with me…I have a dream every night where I turn into a dolphin; I KNOW that’s going to happen in the future…”
TUMNUS: What’s this about?
CHESTERFIELD(shuddering): Trust me; you don’t want to know.


“Hi, handsome,” she said, walking up close to Legolas.

MAGLOR (as Legolas, stupidly): No, my name isn’t “handsome”; it’s Legolas.

“You know the Hogsmeade trip next week? Would you be so honourable as to join me?”

SAURON (as Legolas): Only if my cutie-smoochie, pookie-pie Aragorn can come with us.

He leant away in disgust,

CHESTERFIELD: “Ewwwwww; icky GIRL!”

before replying with disdain.

TUMNUS: “Look here; the next time you ask someone out, leave off the
‘handsome’ and the ‘be so honorable,’ and you’ll be fine.”


“No, I don’t think so. I’d much rather spend that time getting away from
you.”

MAGLOR: Oh, Legolas, that was just cruel!
CHESTERFIELD: Boy, and here I thought elves were so courteous all the time.
SAURON: Well, he said “away” in Sindarin, so she can’t have understood him.


The girl walked away disappointedly,

CHESTERFIELD (sniff): Well, I hope you’re happy, Legolas; you probably just caused that poor girl to think about committing suicide! If she does, it’s your fault.

and a second later another girl walked up to Aragorn and tried a similar thing.

MAGLOR: Walking away disappointedly?
TUMNUS: “Hey, I think I’ll ask him out…on second thought, he’ll probably say
no; too bad.”


A rather large number of love-struck teenagers

SAURON: Of both sexes…

tried, unsuccessfully, to ask out each of the duo,

CHESTERFIELD: Blech.
TUMNUS: Sazza obviously wishes she could ask one of them out herself.
MAGLOR: Does NO ONE but us realize WHY these attempts were so unsuccessful?!


and one was so bold as to put her arms around Legolas’
neck,

ALL (chanting): Strangle him, strangle him, strangle him…

and attempting to kiss him.

SAURON: Did every girl in Hogwarts take love potion or something?! WHY are
they acting like such lovesick morons?!
TUMNUS (disgustedly): It’s an endless parade of Lavender-Brown clones!


He elbowed her in the stomach before she succeeded,

MAGLOR: Ugh…Legolas, an Elven warrior, has to use his elbow to defend
himself from a BUNCH OF TEENAGE GIRLS!
CHESTERFIELD:Well, it’s kind of gang-rape with the sexes switched around, isn’t it?


then ran up the staircase, Aragorn battling his way
through the hoard of girls behind him.

ALL: “Help, help, help! Don’t let these weak, puny teenage girls we could
probably disembowel with one sword thrust get us!! RAPE!!!”


They didn’t stop running until they reached the hospital wing,

TUMNUS: “Mummy, there’s bad people out there chasing us!”

and asked Madam Pomfrey to do something, anything, to keep the girls at bay.

*laughter*
MAGLOR: This is pathetic. That is the only word for it.
SAURON: So why isn’t Boromir being chased as well? Is he not good enough for sazza?
CHESTERFIELD: I feel bad for him. Why doesn’t someone just ask him out? He doesn’t seem gay, so he might actually say “yes”.


She found their situation rather hilarious, and didn’t bother to try to hide
it.

TUMNUS: Do you know what’s more hilarious? Aragorn and Legolas are ALWAYS
together, they talk to each other in their own language, they play jokes on
other people, they giggle and banter, they walk with their arms linked, they’re
disgusted by the THOUGHT of going out with girls, AND YET SAZZA IS NOT
ADMITTING THAT THEY’RE NOT ONLY APPALLINGLY GAY, BUT LOVERS AS WELL!!
MAGLOR: Calm down, Tumnus. It’s rather disgusting, but we’ll get through it.
TUMNUS: I mean, if sazza had just ADMITTED they were lovers and stopped using
words like “best friends,” it would at least be tolerable! Why can’t she
realize that male best friends DO NOT act the same as female best friends?!
CHESTERFIELD: I said it once and I’ll say it again: I feel sorry for Boromir. Out of the
Fellowship Gryffindors, he’s the only straight one, as far as we know, and yet
the girls are mooning over the two homosexual lovers.


During study period, they perfected their plan for revenge on Merry and Pippin.

SAURON (exasperated): Look, can’t you just tell Merry and Pippin you hated
being burned, instead of almost killing them in return?


VVVVVVVV

TUMNUS: A parade of sideways lightning-bolt scars!

In Potions, Legolas convinced Boromir, who was partnering Ron,

CHESTERFIELD: It’s a scientific fact that people who expand their social circles have much healthier lifestyles.
MAGLOR: Really?
CHESTERFIELD: No idea; I’m just trying to give sazza a hint here.


and at the cauldron beside Merry and Pippin, to drop a ‘little surprise’ in their cauldron.

SAURON (laughing): You mean a piece of Thestral shit?
CHESTERFIELD (Mike Nelson as Gumby): “Pokey left a big surprise in your begonias.”


That little surprise, when Merry added the essence of Hellebore,

TUMNUS: That’s the essence of this story! Ha, ha, hell, bore, do you get it?
MAGLOR: Give it up, Tumnus.


made the entire potion explode, and, where it struck people,

SAURON: They were out, and the other team took the field.

it ate away at clothing.

ALL: Mmmm…munch, munch, munch…yum, clothing…

Snape panicked,

MAGLOR (slowly and deliberately): Snape. Does. Not. Panic.
CHESTERFIELD: Well, except when he heard that Voldemort was going after Lily.


thinking that it would start eating away at skin next,

TUMNUS (horrified): Oh, THAT’S their idea of a good prank; make acidic
potion explode and eat away at people’s skin?! At this rate, every student at Hogwarts will be dead!


and sent Neville to get Madam Pomfrey.

SAURON (confused): Couldn’t Snape just clear up the potion with a spell? Or
is it just an excuse to get Neville out of the way?
TUMNUS: WAIT a minute…why is Snape teaching potions?! I thought SLUGHORN was
doing that! Didn’t they have potions with SLUGHORN in the last chapter?!
MAGLOR: Argh! What is with sazza’s lack of consistency?


She arrived, panting,

CHESTERFIELD: “Woof…woof, woof…”

with Neville on her heels,

SAURON (as Madam Pomfrey): Quit pulling the shoes off my feet, Longbottom!

to find the entire class, apart from Boromir, Aragorn and Legolas,

TUMNUS: Screaming and pleading for the crazy “transfer students” to be expelled.

cowering under desks and wearing no more than their undergarments.

MAGLOR (old Victorian lady): Oh, dear me, I’ve absolutely no undergarments; how perfectly dreadful!
CHESTERFIELD (old Victorian lady): Well, shall we ignore the undergarments and take a cup of tea?


Aragorn and Legolas had been the furthest away, and so didn’t get splashed,

ALL: Damn! Why don’t they die?

and Boromir had been ‘in’ on the joke.

SAURON: Oh, no, now Boromir’s buying into the whole “prank war” idea!
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, as long as he doesn’t start having threesomes with Aragorn
and Legolas, we should be okay.


The whole incident got dismissed as an accident,

MAGLOR (Student #1): An ACCIDENT? What about half my nose being eaten away?!
TUMNUS (Student #2): That’s it; I’m getting my father to sue Hogwarts. I should have done it a long time ago.


but Merry and Pippin had been bragging that they could make the potion in their sleep,

CHESTERFIELD: “It was a Sleeping Potion we were making, of course.”
MAGLOR: Slughorn had been wondering who was going into the dungeons late at night and spilling ingredients all over the place.


and so neither they, nor Snape, ever heard the end of it.

SAURON (groan): And neither did we.

Prank ideas still very welcome!

TUMNUS (enraged): NO, THEY’RE NOT!!
CHESTERFIELD: Can whoever is giving sazza these ideas for attempted murder…er, pranks…just die now?


Please review, I’d really like to know how my writing is!

MAGLOR: It isn’t your writing; it’s your imagination, or lack thereof.
*all exit the theater*



Review here
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
MSTIER’S NOTE: This chapter contains major spoilers for Deathly
Hallows
. Since I’m relatively sure everyone has read it by now, I don’t
think this warning is truly necessary, but just in case, anybody who wants to
whine about my spoiling the ending for them has no excuse to do so. Understand?
Good.


A/N: YAY!! The Deathly Hallows was released three days ago!

TUMNUS: “Now maybe I can actually LEARN something about canon!”

I have read it, cover to cover,

MAGLOR: In three days?!
CHESTERFIELD: Maglor, you just don’t know Harry Potter fanatics, do you?


and regret to say that this story cannot even feasibly pass in as part of the
Deathly Hallows,

SAURON: You think? Especially when Dumbledore is alive and all that?

even if i had had Dumbledore actually killed at the end of sixth year.

MAGLOR: “Or even if I had actually included Voldemort and the Horcruxes in
this story…”


Please do not flame me because things don't tie in,

TUMNUS: Er…right.
CHESTERFIELD: Why would we want to flame you about that when we’ve got your
awful characterization and sense of humor to flame you about?


obviously the seventh book was still a complete mystery,

SAURON: “And so was Harry’s decision to leave Hogwarts and go to Godric’s
Hollow, and so was Voldemort’s rise to power…I mean, none of that stuff’s
important, is it?”


and yes, I know that they don't actually go back to Hogwarts etc.

MAGLOR: “You know, all that other canon stuff I don’t know or care about.”
CHESTERFIELD (King of Siam): Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!


In simpler form, what I'm trying to say is that Deathly Hallows is totally
disregarded in the writing of this fic because it had not yet been released.

TUMNUS: “I’m just going to have to drum this into your heads until you’re
sick of it.”


If you haven't yet read it, I will say this much:

SAURON (gasp): Cover your eyes! Spoiler alert!
CHESTERFIELD: Er…most of us have already read it, Sauron.
SAURON: Oh.


I was wearing a black armband, along with most of my friends,

MAGLOR (laughing): She was wearing most of her friends? What a nuisance that
outfit must have been!


in mourning for characters at school on Monday.

SAURON: Oh, yes…I did that when Mufasa died in “The Lion King”… (wipes away
imaginary tear)
TUMNUS: Really?
SAURON: No.


READ IT TO FIND OUT,

CHESTERFIELD (army private): YES, MA’AM!!
MAGLOR: Eru, sazza; you don’t have to yell.


and I won't blame you if you cry (I did).

TUMNUS: Actually, I’m feeling rather teary right now…only it’s for a
different reason.


I do not own. I do not own. I do not own.

SAURON (stupidly): Say, sazza, do you own it?

All belongs to the fabulous J.K. Rowling

*everyone salutes*

or the wonderful J.R.R. Tolkien.

EVERYONE EXCEPT TUMNUS: Who is Tolkien?!

(brainwashed yet?

CHESTERFIELD: Huh?
TUMNUS: Why would you ask US that?


No? Oops, I must’ve done something wrong,

SAURON: Er, you’ve done a GREAT DEAL wrong, sazza.

where’s the hypnotic medallion?)

MAGLOR: I think the question should be, “Where did sazza’s intelligence go?”
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, brother…she’s waffling.


Sindarin

TUMNUS (wince): I don’t know about the rest of you, but I would have
preferred the waffling.


“Common or English”

SAURON: Common, please, and a side order of chips.
*pause*
SAURON: What?


Suspicions, The D.A. and Quidditch,

TUMNUS: What are they having D.A. meetings for? Umbridge is gone!
MAGLOR: Perhaps they’re just TALKING abut the D.A.


Chapter 6 of The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts.

CHESTERFIELD (Hogwarts students): Damn it, this isn’t funny! Stop beating us
up! Wah!


At dinner, Sam and Frodo were discussing the apparent prank war

SAURON: The APPARENT prank war?! It hasn’t become completely OBVIOUS to them
yet?!


between Merry, Pippin, Legolas and Aragorn.

MAGLOR (as Frodo): My word, what an immature, stupid, annoying lot they are.
I was a fool to think they could protect me.
CHESTERFIELD (as Sam): Tell you what: if Gandalf doesn’t tell us how to get
back to Middle-Earth soon, why don’t we put him under the Imperius Curse?


“I still think it was them in Potions, Mr. Frodo,

TUMNUS (as Frodo): Well, I don’t care how obvious they are; I STILL think it
was Neville, so there!


because Merry was checking all their ingredients with ours.”

SAURON (as Merry, throwing a bottle of squid eyes at Frodo): Checkmate! Ha!

“Well, I am still sure that it was Pip’s fault,

CHESTERFIELD: Geez; stop calling him that! “Pippin” is his nickname; he
doesn’t need anything shorter!


he added the essence of Hellebore just before it exploded,

SAURON: Oh, great deduction skills there, Frodo.

and Snape said that it is an unstable ingredient,

TUMNUS: What on EARTH does that mean?
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, look, sazza: elements are unstable, people are unstable,
buildings are unstable, but ingredients are NOT unstable. That just doesn’t
make any sense.


I really do think it was just an accident.”

MAGLOR (in disbelief): Frodo must live in a world of denial.
SAURON: Well, it would explain a lot…


Frodo was firm in his belief, but Sam was also unrelenting.

TUMNUS (as Sam): All right, Frodo, let’s go: outside to fight it out!

Across the table, Merry and Pippin were discussing their upcoming detention.

MAGLOR: “Hooray! Another opportunity to act unrealistically stupid!”

“I don’t think detention is a good thing, Pip.”

CHESTERFIELD (stupid voice): “Huh; detention bad; dur-hur-hur…”

“Nonsense, I think it’s some type of reward,

TUMNUS: “I mean, as long as there’s food and plenty of ale…”

after all, Legolas and Aragorn ‘set’ off the fireworks.”

SAURON (puzzled): No, they didn’t.
MAGLOR: MORE inverted commas! What is with them?!
CHESTERFIELD: Hell, Aragorn and Legolas set off fireworks every night together.


“Sure, Pip, sure.

MAGLOR: “Your newfound obtuseness is really getting on my nerves…I knew you
were foolish, but I had no idea you were THIS foolish.”


You do realise that Dumbledore didn’t buy it, don’t you?”

SAURON: “I mean, just how dumb are you in this fic?”
TUMNUS (shiver): Do we really want that question answered?


Merry was a little more perceptive than Pippin when it came to people’s
reactions.

MAGLOR: In other words, Merry at least had a little intelligence, while
Pippin struggled with basic motor and problem-solving skills… (clutches his
forehead)


“Well, we’ll soon see. We have to go to this ‘detention’ soon, anyway, Merry.”

CHESTERFIELD: “Do we have time for one more quickie before that, my
darling?”


Meanwhile, Boromir and Ron were excitedly talking

SAURON: Ha; it’s a Boromir and Ron pairing! I was right!
*everyone else shudders*


about how the potion had exploded next to them,

CHESTERFIELD: “I mean, it was really, really amazing! I was hoping it would
kill them, but hey; you can’t have everything!”


and other things that both found entertaining,

MAGLOR (deadpan): I do believe they’re having a rousing conversation about
stamp-collecting.


and soon Ron was explaining Quidditch to Boromir in excruciating detail.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir, glumly): I shouldn't have asked what they use those brooms for.

Harry and Hermione had rushed off to the library,

TUMNUS (as Hermione, tearfully): I thought he loved ME! I didn’t think he
swung that way!
SAURON (as Harry): Oh, Hermione, don’t feel bad; there’s always Viktor Krum.


or, more like, Hermione had dragged Harry off to the library,

CHESTERFIELD (as Hermione): C’mon; Ron’s left me for Boromir; I’m desperate
for a snog!


to look up curses and protective charms.

SAURON: Uh-huh; sure.
MAGLOR (as Harry): Why do we need to go through this again, Hermione? It’s not
like I’m going to have to go on a dangerous mission where this stuff will come
in handy…oh, wait…


They hadn’t told the Fellowship members why,

TUMNUS: Probably for fear Aragorn and Legolas would tie them up and blab it
to the entire school.


and Ron was constantly steering conversation away from that topic.

CHESTERFIELD (as Ron): So…er…don’t you think dental floss is the coolest
thing ever?
SAURON (as Boromir): Look, give it up, Ron; we KNOW you’re hiding something
from us.


Legolas and Aragorn were slightly suspicious as to why Harry and Hermione were
in the library,

CHESTERFIELD: Well, yeah, ‘cause reading’s boring and it sucks, y’know.

especially because after everyone had put new clothes on in Potions,

MAGLOR: Because NOBODY at Hogwarts ever went to the library wearing new
clothes.


Snape had asked them and Ron to stay back.

TUMNUS: Well, since when do Harry and his friends ever follow Snape’s
instructions?
MAGLOR: I think it would be more worrisome if they DID.


They had come out of the classroom with worried expressions,

SAURON (as Harry): So, Hermione, what do you think he meant when he looked
at me and suddenly screamed, “Her eyes! Oh, her eyes!”


and after bolting down dinner two of them had run to the library.

CHESTERFIELD: Duh…what? There are MORE than two of them?
MAGLOR: Seven Potters… (cough)


Estel, something important is going on.

SAURON (as Legolas): There is a fell voice on the air!

I don’t know what it is,

MAGLOR: But it’s VERY important.

but Harry, Ron and Hermione are in the middle of it.

TUMNUS: Did I mention that it’s important?

I agree, tithen las.

ALL: URGH!
CHESTERFIELD: PLEASE no cutesy nicknames!


I can’t shake the feeling that it has to do with that scar.

TUMNUS (as Legolas): Oh, you mean the scars you left on my wrists with the
handcuffs last night…
SAURON (as Aragorn): No, no; I mean Harry’s scar!
TUMNUS (as Legolas): Oh.


Yes. Perhaps we should ask them?

MAGLOR: No! As we’re pranksters, that’s not fun enough! We should nearly
kill them and force them to tell us!


They seem to be trying to keep us out of whatever the problem is.

CHESTERFIELD (Mike Nelson as Lori Nelson): I deductioned that.

Do you know where the library is, tithen las?

SAURON: Blech…STOP CALLING HIM THAT!

Must you call me that?

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, really, MUST you?!

Yes.

ALL: D’OH!!

Do you know where the library is?

SAURON (as Legolas): Aragorn, in this fic, I don’t even know where my
scrotum is, let alone the library.


Unfortunately, no.

MAGLOR: But I know it’s very important.

I’m sure that Ron does, though.

TUMNUS: Actually, I’ll bet that this version of Ron doesn’t.

Legolas looked towards Ron as he said that,

*Chesterfield imitates the whining noises made by Ron in the Harry Potter
movies*
SAURON (as Legolas): Er…on second thought, we’d better try to find the library
ourselves.


and Ron looked up at the sound of his name among the incomprehensible language.

MAGLOR (as Legolas): Er…I was actually saying “Aniron”; I wasn’t talking to
you…


“Ron,” Aragorn started, “can you show us to the library, please?”

CHESTERFIELD (as Ron): If you’re still trying to get me to have sex with you
two, my answer is still no.


“Sure, but if you’re looking for some good reading stuff,

MAGLOR: “Don’t ask Hermione to help you; she’ll recommend Hogwarts: A
History
or something just as boring.”


the library is the last place you want to go.

SAURON: Er…what? Good reading material…library? Logic, sazza? Please?
CHESTERFIELD (as Ron): Now, if you want to read something good like porn, on
the other hand…


It’s full of dusty old spellbooks

TUMNUS (yawn): Indeed? I was expecting dusty old corn muffins.

that are completely useless when you need them.”

MAGLOR: “Well, except for the potions book we used to make the Polyjuice
Potion…and the book Hermione found that told about the basilisk in the Chamber
of Secrets…not to mention all the books we used to help Harry through the
Triwizard Tournament…”


“We’d still like to have a look at it, all the same.” Legolas confirmed.

SAURON (as Legolas): Ron, Ron. Haven’t you realized by now that Aragorn and
I live for uselessness?


Ron simply shrugged, shovelled a last piece of chicken into his mouth,

CHESTERFIELD (as Ron): Mmmm…gotta have my three square meals a day…

and led Boromir, Aragorn and Legolas to the library.

*Chesterfield hums the “Twilight Zone” theme*
MAGLOR (shaking his head): I do believe the story is actually developing a
plot!


VVVVVVVV

TUMNUS (thoughtfully): I can’t decide if that says “VVVVVVV”, “WWWWWW”, or
“MMMMMMM”.


Ron was slightly worried.

SAURON (as Ron): Will Hermione let me get to second base this evening?

He was currently leading the new Gryffindors to the Library,

MAGLOR (rolling his eyes): Oh, thank you, sazza. As if we couldn’t GUESS
that by the last sentence in the last paragraph.


where he knew Harry and Hermione were,

*Chesterfield and Tumnus make snoring noises*
SAURON: All right, sazza; we can wait as long as you like.


looking up spells that could help in the upcoming confrontation.

TUMNUS (dramatically): The confrontation…with an army of angry Cornish
pixies!


After the fateful Potions lesson, Snape had informed the three that

MAGLOR: They were the worst dunderheads he had ever had the privilege of
teaching…even worse than James Potter.


Voldemort was planning an attack on the castle in a month,

TUMNUS: Eh...huh? Where did this come from?!
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, I thought Voldemort wasn’t supposed to be a huge threat for
some reason!
SAURON: Well, you have to admit, Snape’s timing is excellent.


and that they should start up the D.A. again,

MAGLOR: Wouldn’t it be more logical to EVACUATE the students, and send Harry
to find the Horcruxes immediately?


as an extra-curricular activity for those willing to fight.

CHESTERFIELD (exasperated): Look; a bunch of Hogwarts students is NOT going
to be able to defeat Voldemort and his Death Eaters single-handedly without
someone to destroy the Horcruxes!
TUMNUS: Well, maybe Dumbledore, seeing as how he miraculously SURVIVED, has
been destroying them himself.
SAURON: Nah, I think Legolas and Aragorn are going to figure out where the
Horcruxes are and destroy them all in one fell swoop, ‘cuz theyre sazzzas fav
characters!!!11 lyke lol!!!!!!1111


Harry and Hermione were currently finding powerful protective spells,

MAGLOR: And apparently, all Dumbledore’s instructions and advice from last
year leaked out of Harry’s head over the summer.
TUMNUS: Not to mention the fact that Dumbledore, despite studying Voldemort’s
movements for years and years, and Snape, despite being present at all
Voldemort’s meetings, don’t realize that he’s about to attack Hogwarts until a
MONTH before it happens!


and they wanted to keep the Hobbits, especially, out of the war.

MAGLOR: Argh! Not ANOTHER portrayal of the hobbits as dim-witted, helpless children!
CHESTERFIELD: Um…Merry helped kill the Witch-King, Pippin saved Faramir, Frodo
defied the Nazgul, and Sam equals REAL HERO OF MIDDLE-EARTH…hello?
TUMNUS: And Harry, Ron, and Hermione let ELEVEN-YEAR-OLDS join the D.A.!


They entered the library, and Ron immediately ran off to find his best friends,

SAURON: Ah, at last sazza is back on familiar footing.
MAGLOR: Her logic and sense of timing…or lack thereof…are just appalling.


earning a disapproving glare from Madam Pince.

CHESTERFIELD (as Madam Pince): You interrupted my love-letter to Argus
Filch, you silly boy!


“Harry, Hermione!” he hissed.

TUMNUS (hissing): “I’m pretending I’m the Ssssslytherin
ssssserpent…sssssss…”


“They wanted to come here; I think they’re onto us.

SAURON (as Hermione): Stop worrying, Ron; I’m sure Aragorn and Legolas are
just looking for a new place to shag each other.


I swear, I only talked to Boromir, and mostly about Quidditch,

MAGLOR: “Except for that time when I mentioned Voldemort and his Death
Eaters and the Horcruxes…d’oh!”


I really don’t know how they found out!”

TUMNUS: Probably because in bad fanfiction, you’re always the village idiot,
Ron.


“OK, OK,” Hermione said, slightly panicking as she looked up from her book.

CHESTERFIELD: “Great; we’ll have to use Avada Kedavra on them, and
that’s illegal!”


“We’ll have to either tell them, or find an excuse to go away!

MAGLOR (as Harry): Or we could kill them...or stuff them into a Vanishing
Cabinet…


Oh, no, this could be messy!”

SAURON: “But you don’t seem to mind, and ooh, ooh, don’t go telling
everybody!”


“Calm down, Hermione, I’m sure it won’t hurt to tell them.” Harry whispered.

TUMNUS: “I mean, how much do you think they’ll CARE?”

“As long as we make them swear not to tell the Hobbits we’re OK.

CHESTERFIELD (as Harry): Because if the hobbits believe something’s wrong
with us, they’ll buy us ale and pipeweed in Hogsmeade to make us feel better!
We can get drunk and high all we want, without even leaving the school!


We only promised Dumbledore that they wouldn’t get involved.”

MAGLOR: Oh, Iluvatar almighty, I’m leaving… (gets up from his seat)
CHESTERFIELD: No, Maglor, you can’t; remember? The door’s locked!
*Maglor is now banging ill-temperedly on the door. Tumnus gets up and drags him
back to his seat*
TUMNUS: Just keep riffing…that’s all you can do. We survived “A Story So Much
Older than the Sea”; we can survive this.


“Harry, Hermione, we’ve been looking for you.” Aragorn said.

CHESTERFIELD: “We’re getting fed up with your idiotic, cowardly friend here.
How do you put up with him?”


“What’s happening? We know that something’s going on, but we don’t know what.”

SAURON: Just tell them all you’re planning a surprise party! Aragorn and
Legolas are dumb enough in this fic to believe it!


Harry, Ron and Hermione sharply looked up at the sound of his voice,

TUMNUS: “Yah! Why does he sound like Julia Child?!”

and relaxed when they saw that he, Legolas and Boromir were

MAGLOR: Not naked or dressed in black leather.

too far away to have heard their whispered conversation.

TUMNUS: Er…if they’re that far away, why bother telling them?

“OK, can you keep a secret?” Ron asked. All three nodded.

SAURON: Legolas and Aragorn had crossed their fingers behind their backs.

“Well, you’ve heard about Harry’s life, haven’t you?”

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Yeah, especially the time when Aunt Marge’s
bulldog chased him up a tree…man, that was hilarious!
MAGLOR (as Harry): Hey!


“A little,” Boromir replied slowly.

TUMNUS: Sniggering like mad as he remembered how Dudley had humiliated Harry
throughout his childhood.


“We know what happened pretty much up to third year.”

MAGLOR: “INCLUDING the muddle with the boa constrictor, and Lockhart’s
attentions…”
SAURON (as Harry): Quit embarrassing me!


“OK.” Hermione, Ron and Harry then started to explain what had happened up
until the end of last year,

SAURON (in amazement): This is going to take hours!
MAGLOR: I swear, if sazza actually writes it down…


where Snape had almost died after not fulfilling his Unbreakable Vow to kill
Dumbledore if Malfoy failed.

CHESTERFIELD: Okay, look, sazza, you REALLY don’t get the purpose of
Dumbledore’s death, do you? It was meant to save Draco from more humiliation
and degradation, and it was also meant to put Dumbledore out of his misery,
BECAUSE HE WAS DYING ALREADY. Not only that, but you AUTOMATICALLY die if you don’t fulfill an Unbreakable Vow. Not only that, but if Snape hadn’t killed
Dumbledore right away, DUMBLEDORE WOULD HAVE MADE SNAPE KILL HIM LATER BECAUSE HE KNEW HE HAD TO DIE.
TUMNUS: Thank you, Harry-Potter-Nutter, for that helpful explanation.
CHESTERFIELD: You’re welcome.


“So, Voldemort is back, and attacking the castle in a month?” Aragorn summed
up.

SAURON: “Yes. In simpler terms, we’re fucked.”

Harry, Ron and Hermione nodded.

TUMNUS: “Oh, and did we mention that we’re all going to die?”

“We’re looking up protective spells and curses to teach in the D.A.

CHESTERFIELD: “Because knowing the Unforgivable Curses as well as standard
defense and shielding spells isn’t good enough.”

Professor Dumbledore asked us to start it up again,

MAGLOR: Oh, that Dumbledore; he’s not only sending Harry to the slaughter,
but all the students of Hogwarts!
CHESTERFIELD: Well, he knew Harry was going to come back from the dead…
SAURON: Shut up, Chesterfield.


for anyone in fourth year or above,

TUMNUS: Oh, so they’re not letting the eleven-year-olds join the D.A. Well,
the hobbits are still older than fourteen!


so that everyone can defend themselves if Voldemort attacks too early.

SAURON (snort): “If”? Do you REALLY think Voldemort is going to attack at
the time everyone thinks he will? How stupid do you think he is?


All the younger students are being sent home a few days before the attack is
expected,

CHESTERFIELD: “That won’t be much help if Voldemort attacks early, but who
cares? They haven’t hit puberty yet; nobody cares whether they die or not.”


and the D.A. will be a ‘legal’ group in the school.

TUMNUS: Here’s something I’m wondering. Voldemort hasn’t taken over the
Ministry in this fic, so why aren’t THEY coming to help?
MAGLOR: Oh, they couldn’t make it: Umbridge is having a pink-cardigan fashion
show that day.


I assume you all want to join?” Hermione asked.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Will we have plenty of breaks for pranks and sex?
MAGLOR (as Hermione): Good heavens, no.
CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Then no, I don’t want to join.


“Definitely.

SAURON: “Bows and swords will be a GREAT help against curses…really, they
will!”


Why were you trying to keep us out of it?”

TUMNUS (as Hermione): Um…maybe because you were blabbing Gandalf’s secret to
the entire school, and we were afraid you’d do the same with ours?
MAGLOR: It WAS a legitimate concern!


Hermione blushed,

CHESTERFIELD (as ditsy!Hermione): Leggy’s speaking to me! Like, yay!

and Ron looked a little green

SAURON (as Ron): Oh, ick, and she thinks my crush on Boromir is disgusting!

when Aragorn asked the fateful question.

CHESTERFIELD (Joel Robinson): “How do pop-tarts work?”

Luckily Harry handled it well.

TUMNUS (as Harry): Because Aragorn and Legolas are a pair of loose-lipped
nutters, that’s why!


“Dumbledore doesn’t want the Hobbits involved,

ALL: GAH!

and we thought the easiest way would be to keep you all in the dark.

MAGLOR: “Then we realized that without electricity, that would be a bit
difficult.”


Now that I think about it, it does seem a stupid reasoning.”

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah? Even stupider than Voldemort’s decision to announce
to the world that he’s going to attack Hogwarts in a month? Or Dumbledore’s
decision NOT to let the hobbits fight?


“Right.” Boromir said dryly.

SAURON (as Boromir): Well, I don’t give a damn about this…I’m going to go
blow the Horn of Gondor.


“Well, how do we join the D.A.?” Legolas asked.

CHESTERFIELD (as Hermione): Well, first you have to pay a fee of one hundred
Galleons, then cut off your thumb and sign your name in blood on this magical
contract, and finally go through the initiation, which involves hugging Snape.


“We run it, so you effectively have.

*All facefault*

We meet in the Room of Requirement, on the seventh floor, opposite the tapestry
of trolls in tutus.

SAURON: “I’m not letting you know all the useless details about getting the
room to even appear.”


It’s every night, beginning tomorrow, at seven thirty.” Hermione said.

MAGLOR: Beginning TOMORROW?! HOW many new spells were she and Harry hoping to look up?!

“We shall be there.” Aragorn confirmed.

TUMNUS (rolling his eyes): Oh, jolly; they’ll have to help Harry Potter
fight off Voldemort before they return to Middle-Earth. As if we couldn’t have
guessed BEFORE reading this rubbish.


VVVVVVV

CHESTERFIELD (newsman): On Wall Street today, the stock market had many ups
and downs.


In the dormitory, Neville, Dean and Seamus were discussing the D.A.,

SAURON: I thought Harry and his friends were keeping it a secret!

which they had all originally been a part of.

ALL: WE KNOW.

“I think we’re going to learn more stuff,” Dean argued.

CHESTERFIELD (as Seamus): Oh, God, no! Actually LEARN something in the D.A.?
Heaven forbid!
TUMNUS (as Neville): I rather think we’re going to make lanyard key chains.


Seamus and Neville thought that they would be revising all the stuff they did
in fifth year,

MAGLOR: Er, sazza, I don’t think you want to REVISE a magic spell. Who knows
what could happen?
SAURON: I think she meant “review”.


because there are so many new people.

*everyone winces*
TUMNUS: So many new tense changes as well.


Harry and Ron walked in on the argument, and Ron declared as Harry rolled his
eyes,

SAURON: “Harry, we’re not at Nearly Headless Nick’s deathday party! Pick up
your eyes and stop rolling them this instant!”
CHESTERFIELD: Sauron, do you have any idea how lame that was? Actually, you
probably do.


“Harry’s going to revise old stuff and then start on new stuff! Shut up
already!”

CHESTERFIELD: “Stupid free speech isn’t allowed at Hogwarts! Shut up!”

They got into their four-posters, and soon the Elf and Men came up.

ALL (as Gryffindors): NOOOOOOOOO!

“Come on, Boromir, admit it, you like her!” Aragorn was saying.

TUMNUS (as Boromir): No! Can’t you just accept that I’m in love with Ron?

“If you mean the girl that was trying her luck with Legolas, you’re far from
right.”

MAGLOR: “By the way, the fact that I’m actually 41 years old has nothing to
do with this.”


“Thank the Valar, she’s horrible,” Legolas shuddered.

SAURON (as Legolas, dumb teenage boy): She has boobs and a pussy! ...
(shudder)


“So you like someone else?”

TUMNUS (as Boromir): YES! I like RON! R-O-N!!

“As a matter of fact, yes, but she happens to be a woman in Minas Tirith!”

*everyone whistles*
CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): D’oh; I walked right into that one!


Aragorn looked a little put out.

SAURON (shaking his head): My goodness, sazza, what do you mean by THAT?

They each climbed into their own beds, except for Legolas, who

MAGLOR (sigh): Climbed into Aragorn’s bed, just like always.
TUMNUS: Sazza’s innuendo is really getting tiresome.


sat on the wide windowsill.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Man, what could be keeping Peter Pan?

He sighed heavily, looking at the Forbidden Forest. “I miss Mirkwood.

TUMNUS: Oh, EVERYONE’S homesick, Legolas; shut up!
SAURON (groaning): And now for a heaping helping of Legolas wangst.


It may be infested with giant spiders and the southern part may be evil, but
it’s still home.

MAGLOR: Aw, Legolas…
CHESTERFIELD: Whoa; sazza’s started riffing her own story.


It looks so much like the forest here, but it’s too small to be Mirkwood.”
Harry, who wasn’t quite asleep, asked him, “Legolas, would you like to go

SAURON: “To the Chamber of Secrets, get locked up there, and starve to
death? No? THEN SHUT UP!”


down to the forest tomorrow?

TUMNUS (enraged): WHAT?! Harry’s TERRFIED of the forest! He’d NEVER go
there of his own free will!
CHESTERFIELD: My Saruman, what people will do for…blech…Legolas!


It’s forbidden,

MAGLOR (as Legolas): Yes, I figured that out from the name, strangely
enough.


but I have an invisibility cloak that we can use to keep away from the
teachers.”

SAURON: Oh, no, Harry. You are NOT going to let this pathetically-poor
excuse of an elf touch your Invisibility Cloak. Actually VOLUNTEERING to enter
the Forbidden Forest, despite how many unpleasant experiences you’ve had there,
is bad enough.
MAGLOR: Legolas is NOT worth all this, for Eru’s sake!


Legolas smiled. “No, thank you. It would seem wrong to sneak out,

CHESTERFIELD: Ah, but it’s not wrong to nearly kill your companions with
acidic potion, or to humiliate Gandalf? You’ve got real high moral standards,
Legolas.


and in a forest it is always nicer to be free to climb the trees.

TUMNUS: Any minute now, Luna Lovegood is going to pop up and say, “You
shouldn’t do that, Legolas; they’re infested with nargles.”
SAURON (scowl): That’s what would happen if ROWLING was writing this. With
sazza, on the other hand…


Did you know that trees can talk just as much as animals?”

MAGLOR: “Legolas, please; we KNOW about the Ents! You don’t need to tell us
for the fiftieth time!”


“Animals talk? Talking trees?

CHESTERFIELD: “Aragorn, does your boyfriend need to go to the hospital
wing?”


I sometimes have to wonder if you’ve lost it.”

TUMNUS (as Legolas, enraged): Elves ALWAYS sound like they’ve lost it! How
DARE you imply that it’s something bad!


Aragorn burst out laughing at this.

SAURON (as Aragorn, stupid voice): Heh, heh, elf, lost it, that’s funny,
heh, heh, heh…


“What’s so funny, Aragorn?”

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Something in “Fox Trot.” You wouldn’t understand.


Legolas answered. “Of course the trees talk!

MAGLOR: “Just because they’re not loud and annoying like me doesn’t mean
they’re completely silent!”


They speak Sindar, my language,

SAURON: SINDARIN, sazza, SINDARIN… (clutches his forehead)

and only the Firstborn can hear them.

CHESTERFIELD: “I mean, back in Beleriand, they kept saying to Aredhel,
‘Don’t go forward! There’s a crazy Teleri elf up ahead and he’s going to
imprison you!’, but did she listen? No. Damn Noldor tree-hating bitch.”
TUMNUS: “And the trees WARNED Celegorm and Curufin not to try to kidnap
Luthien, but they didn’t listen either!”
MAGLOR: There, sazza; now do you understand that the idea of elves holding
conversations with trees—not Ents, but trees—makes NO sense?


Certain animals can also whisper,

SAURON: “Others, like dogs, wolves, cows, and moose, yell, and they’re
really annoying.”


that is why Elves eat meat only sparsely.

CHESTERFIELD: Okay, Maglor, let me get this straight. According to sazza,
elves are hippies, right? So do they also take LSD, never wash their hair or
shave, and sing folk songs about world peace?
*Maglor is silent*


We cannot bear to eat something that we had a conversation with.”

TUMNUS: Enough! Is Legolas Doctor Dolittle now or something?!
SAURON: Sazza, will you stop bullshitting about the elves before Maglor has a
fit?!


“Firstborn? What’s that?”

TUMNUS: “Er, Harry, let’s just ignore the part about talking to trees and
animals, shall we?”


“The firstborn are, like Legolas, Elves.

CHESTERFIELD (as Dean, stupidly): So, uh, they’re little and wrinkly, right?
MAGLOR (sigh): Here we go again…


Legolas is a Silvan Elf,

SAURON: Ho-hum…snore…

and my foster-family are Noldor Elves.

MAGLOR (exaggerated patience): Sazza, I am going to list the bloodlines of
Aragorn’s foster family for you: Maia, Sinda, Noldo, Man of the House of Hador,
and Man of the House of Beor. They are not even full-blooded elves, and,
moreover, none of them ever went to Valinor or saw the light of the Trees. They
are NOT of the Noldor; Elrond’s father Earendil was the son of Idril, who WAS
of the Noldor, but that is all.
TUMNUS: Thank you for that lecture, Maglor.
MAGLOR: You’re welcome.


Legolas often annoys me

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, he often annoys all of us. I feel your pain, Aragorn.

by saying that the trees are teasing me

SAURON (as Aragorn, whining): He’s so MEAN! But the trees are NICE; they
don’t pick on me!... (sniffle)


because I am clumsy, or heavy, or lacking Elven qualities.

TUMNUS: “Of course, I can always threaten those nasty, bigoted trees with an
axe, and they shut up pretty quickly.”


I still don’t know whether or not he was making it all up.”

MAGLOR (slowly and deliberately): Aragorn, what do you think?

Estel, it was all true,

SAURON (as Aragorn): Legolas, give it up; I’m 87, for crying out loud!

except for the very last time.

CHESTERFIELD: That time, I was high; I admit it!

That truly was only to get on your nerves.

TUMNUS (sigh): Legolas doesn’t HAVE to try to get on your nerves; it’s a
natural talent of his.
SAURON: Well, perhaps this was reverse psychology.


Remember the old Oak tree by the pool in Mirkwood?

MAGLOR: Remember how you carved a heart into it with our initials inside?
It was SO romantic, Estel!


He was complaining rather loudly about your weight.

TUMNUS (as Legolas): You’ll just have to take my word for it.
CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn, whining): But I’m on a diet! Anyway, it’s mean to say
your best friend is fat! Why are you so mean?! Wah!


Aragorn smirked, then said, I was only fifteen at the time,

SAURON: Maybe if I’d been sixteen, the tree would have been nice to me,
so there!


and you said that it was the best place to dive from!

TUMNUS (as Aragorn, little kid): Well, you STARTED it, Legolas; you tricked
me and stuff!


“Aragorn, Legolas, Common please.

MAGLOR: “Please take it down to the Common Room. You’re embarrassing us.”

Some of us didn’t grow up with Elves of any sort.” Boromir informed them.

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir, aside): And we were REALLY lucky not to.
SAURON: You know, I’m wondering if THIS was Boromir’s real reason for trying to
take the Ring.


“Legolas, get some rest. You may not need it,

TUMNUS: “But the rest of us can’t sleep with your mouth flapping about like
a trout on a beach.”
MAGLOR (confused): “Like a trout on a beach”?


but we’re not in danger here from an attack. There is no need to keep watch.”

CHESTERFIELD: Um… VOLDEMORT?! THE D.A.?!
SAURON: Sazza, will you make up your mind already?!


“Aragorn, you know as well as I that I am not keeping watch.”

TUMNUS (as Legolas): I’m looking for the wishing star, so I can practice
singing “Goodnight, My Someone”! Can’t you realize that?


Legolas finally turned his gaze away from the window, and went to bed.

MAGLOR (sigh of relief): At last.
CHESTERFIELD: Isn’t there any way we can jump into the story and gag Legolas?


VVVVVVV

CHESTERFIELD (singing): Viva Las Vegas...

The next morning, Ron shook Legolas,

*everyone cheers*

Aragorn and Boromir awake an hour before sunrise.

SAURON (as Ron, whiney): Guys, I’m scared; there’s a spider on my pillow!

“Wakey, wakey,

*much laughter*
TUMNUS: You know, I really don’t think “wakey, wakey” is part of Ron’s
vocabulary.


Quidditch trials are today!” He sang. “Quidditch!”

MAGLOR: Then he started skipping around the room, chanting, “Quidditch
trials are today! Quidditch trials are today!”
CHESTERFIELD (as Ron): Hooray! Legolas has made it okay for me to frolic and
skip and prance all I want!


“What in the Valar-forsaken world is Quidditch, and why am I awake for it?”
Boromir asked.

TUMNUS: “And why are you prancing around like an idiot, Ron?”

Ron just stared at him.

CHESTERFIELD (as Ron): Uh, because I AM an idiot, like, duh, Boromir!

“I explained it to you yesterday!

SAURON (as Boromir): Look, Ron, do you expect me to remember EVERYTHING you
blabbered about yesterday? I tuned you out most of the time!


You know, with the seven players on a team,

MAGLOR (as Boromir): Er…rings no bells.

on broomsticks,

CHESTERFIELD (as Boromir): Oh, yeah, THAT clears it right up for me. Thanks,
Ron.


with the Quaffle and the Bludgers and the Golden Snitch and”-

TUMNUS (as Boromir): Ron, give it up; I don’t even know what those words
mean!


“Oh, right, I remember now. I couldn’t understand most of it,

SAURON: No! Now he’s going to explain it all over again!

maybe I should just watch.”

CHESTERFIELD (yawn): While Legolas and Aragorn become the new Beaters. Great.

“If that suits you. Ginny’s Captain this year, I don’t know why it isn’t still
Harry…”

MAGLOR: Excellent point.
TUMNUS: Indeed…why ISN’T it Harry, sazza?


Ron, who seemed to be wide awake in anticipation of the trials, dragged Harry, Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas down to the Quidditch Pitch,

CHESTERFIELD (amazed): Whoa; he must have been lifting weights over the
summer!
MAGLOR (as Harry, Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas): Ow…oh, ouch…oh…my
behind…oh…stop dragging us along the floor…oof…


loudly complaining because he couldn’t get in the girls’ dormitories to bring
Hermione down.

TUMNUS: Oh, don’t worry, Ron; I think Hermione is capable of walking down
from the girls’ dormitories herself.


No-one was at the pitch yet,

SAURON (as Ron, stupidly): Er…oops.

and so Ron and Harry lent Aragorn and Legolas their brooms,

MAGLOR (as Boromir): Wha—so you woke me up all for NOTHING, Ron?!

telling them to fly them around the pitch a few times.

CHESTERFIELD (as Harry): And Aragorn, keep my broom away from Legolas’s ass!
It’s a Firebolt, you know!


They soon relinquished the brooms to Harry and Boromir,

CHESTERFIELD (shaking his head): There was just too much of a temptation to
do something very unholy and perverted with those brooms…


and Ron started explaining Quidditch to both Aragorn and Legolas.

TUMNUS (as Aragorn): No! We didn’t want this…Boromir, help!
SAURON (as Boromir): No; if I had to sit through Ron’s boring lecture on
Quidditch, so do you, so there!


Aragorn liked the sound of the Beaters, and said so.

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): Do you think they can come into our dormitory at
night and spank…
*Maglor covers his mouth, finally fed up with the innuendo*


Ginny arrived shortly before dawn, which was when the rest of the hopefuls
arrived. “O.K.! she screamed,

CHESTERFIELD (as Ginny, screaming): OKLAHOMA!!

then conjured a whistle to be heard over the noise of the rather large crowd. They
all went silent at the sound of her blowing the whistle.

SAURON: I say, does anybody mind if I make a joke about Ginny blowing
Harry’s whistle after the Quidditch trials are done?
OTHERS: Yes.
*Sauron looks disappointed*


“I want everyone in groups of ten, and the people who were on the team last
year go last.”

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, shouldn’t she be thinking about forming teams, and asking
people what positions they want to try out for? Never mind.


She completely discarded the first few groups,

MAGLOR (as Ginny): Pah…what rubbish…*throws something over his shoulder*

saying “Thank for trying, but you’re really not what I’m looking for.”

SAURON: Oh, that’s encouraging and helpful, Ginny.
CHESTERFIELD: She’s kind of like Simon Cowell, except much more mild-mannered.


Eventually, she had eight players.

TUMNUS: Notwithstanding the fact that there are SEVEN players on a Quidditch
team.
SAURON: Ah, Hogwarts is going to start having batboys, or “broomboys,” I see.


Her team stood thus:

MAGLOR: Oh, no…
CHESTERFIELD: No, sazza, that’s okay…you don’t need to…


Seeker, Harry Potter, reserve Ginny Weasley,

TUMNUS: Why am I not surprised?
MAGLOR: Why does sazza feel the need to tell us this?


Chasers, Ginny Weasley, Demelza Robins, James Turner,

SAURON: Really; what’s the point of introducing the last two? It’s not as
though they’ll be appearing again in the story.


reserve, Nicole Starlight,

CHESTERFIELD: The latest American-exchange-student Sue at Hogwarts, as you
can tell by her last name.


Keeper, Ron Weasley,

SAURON: Oh, you’re joking…they couldn’t find a better keeper than Ron? Don’t
tell me that even with Aragorn and Legolas and Boromir, they couldn’t find a
better keeper than Ron. I don’t believe it.


Beaters, Aragorn Elrondion, Boromir Denethorion.

MAGLOR: Oh…there they are. Hmmm; for once Boromir beat Legolas at something
in this story!
TUMNUS: Meanwhile, Legolas ran off to the bathroom crying because he didn’t
make the team.


James and Nicole were tiny second-years, and Demelza was in third or fourth
year.

CHESTERFIELD (throwing up his hands): If I had a dollar…okay, fuck that: if
I had a NICKEL for every piece of useless information sazza put in this thing,
I’d be rich!
TUMNUS: Perhaps we should email her and charge her for every word of this story?


She had turned down the Beaters from last year,

MAGLOR: Now, that’s simply unfair! Before, they didn’t have to compete
against muscled warriors.


who were frankly horrible,

CHESTERFIELD: Huh…what?
TUMNUS: When did Rowling ever say that?


saying, “Sorry, maybe next year.

SAURON: “When well-trained warriors from Middle-Earth aren’t hogging the
spotlight.”


You really need upper body strength for Beaters, and both of you have a lot of
room to improve.”

CHESTERFIELD: “Look, if you think we’ve got wimpy arms and need to start
lifting weights, just say so! Geez!”


VVVVVVV

TUMNUS: Those are the cuts on Legolas’s arms, when he started cutting
himself out of depression after not making the Quidditch team.
*Pause*
CHESTERFIELD: Your dark riffs need a lot of work, Tumnus.


Ginny and her team, along with Legolas,

SAURON: Who was sobbing on Aragorn’s shoulder and wailing, “I want my
daddy!” over and over…


headed up for breakfast. Hermione joined them, congratulating the new team.

MAGLOR (as Hermione): “Excellent! More opportunities to spend time outside
and reveal ourselves to Voldemort!”


She also told them that she was announcing the D.A. to the school at breakfast.

TUMNUS: So, I…guess they’ve given up on the whole secrecy idea?
*everyone else shrugs*


Ron and Harry showed the Hobbits to the kitchens, and introduced the
House-Elves.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, now I’m actually interested!
SAURON (as House-Elves): Oh, my, sirs are House-Elf size!
MAGLOR (as hobbits): THESE are ELVES?! Good gracious…


They were very happy, considering that the elves delighted in giving them food.

CHESTERFIELD (disappointed): Awwwwww…
SAURON: I have to say, that was a let-down. Not so much as surprise at finding
creatures small as themselves.
TUMNUS: Or Legolas’s having a heart attack at the sight of the House-Elves.


VVVVVVV

CHESTERFIELD: I swear, the one part of sazza’s fic that could be potentially
INTERESTING, and she scratches it out!


“Everyone, please, be quiet, we have an announcement from the Head Girl.”

MAGLOR: It’s Hermione, isn’t it?
SAURON: Obviously.


Dumbledore introduced Hermione, who was sitting near the top of Gryffindor
table with her friends.

TUMNUS: Well, at least the lack of a Horcrux-subplot should make Hermione
happy—she gets to be Head Girl, she’ll probably do well in the N.E.W.T.s…


She stood and walked over to the dais, then began her announcement.

CHESTERFIELD (as Hermione): “Um…ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to be
singing a sappy pop song from my world called ‘Someday,’ and I hope you enjoy it.”


“Most of you know that the Lord Voldemort has been gaining power again.

SAURON: “THE Lord Voldemort?!”
TUMNUS (as Hermione): THE Lord Voldemort!
MAGLOR: “Don’t say the name!”


The D.A., Dumbledore’s Army, is starting up again as an extra-curricular activity
for anyone that wants to learn to defend themselves.

CHESTERFIELD: “And for anyone deluded enough to think they can defeat an
army of full-grown, well-trained Death Eaters single-handedly…oh, wait; we’ve
been doing that for years…”


This group is on top of Defence Against the Dark Arts, but is more like
advanced defence.

SAURON: Yes; in the D.A., they won’t have to listen to their teacher
jabbering about Legolas’s and Aragorn’s love affairs in Sindarin.


This is for only fourth year and above,

TUMNUS (as first years): “Bloody hell; we want to have a chance to get
killed too!”


and we meet at seven thirty in the room opposite the tapestry of Barnabas the
Barmy on the seventh floor.

MAGLOR: “And remember: contrary to what you may hear, a freed House-Elf is a
happy House-Elf.”


First day is today, bring your wands.”

CHESTERFIELD: “Thank you, and Happy Easter.”

A/N: Prank ideas?

*everyone growls angrily at the screen and shuffles out of the theater*


Review here
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
Watch the medal swing.

CHESTERFIELD: What the…
SAURON: What is she waffling about now?


You are getting sleepy.

TUMNUS: Er…no, we’re actually not.

Now, repeat after me: sazza-da-vampire does not own HP or the LoTR characters.

ALL (in bored voices): “Sazza-da-vampire does not own HP or the LoTR
characters.”


Good.

MAGLOR: What was the POINT of that?

I have the flu (grrrrrr)

TUMNUS (taken aback): Er…
SAURON: You know, that’s probably going to make your sore throat worse, sazza.


so i have spent the last few days on ff.n

MAGLOR: Ff.n? Nice nickname. What, is fanfiction.net too long to say?

and decided that it was high time i show my nice reviewers

TUMNUS: She has nice reviewers?
CHESTERFIELD: Damn you, tasteless Suethors!


that I am not fleeing in the wake of flames.

CHESTERFIELD: Doesn’t it ever occur to these fanbrats that they’re being
flamed for a GOOD REASON?
MAGLOR (sniff): How can you say that? Their writing is perfect, and flamers are
just mean, nasty tyrants who want to suppress their creativity.


Amazingly, those flames (I got two, almost in a row! cry)

SAURON (as sazza): But…I thought everyone on the internet was NICE…
(sniffle)…and…and I didn’t know the world was so MEAN… (sob)…and I want my
mummy… (sniffle)


actually made me stop and think, hey,

TUMNUS: They’re right; my story IS incredibly stupid!

i haven't explained that it's kinda liike Narnia,

TUMNUS (shocked): What?! Leave Narnia out of this!
CHESTERFIELD (puzzled): Kinda “liike” Narnia?


how they become different in the other world

MAGLOR (confused): So being transported into another world automatically
turns you into an immature prankster, no matter what your age?
TUMNUS (indignantly): Of course not. This never happened to the Pevensies.


so it's all explained at the end. :)

SAURON: I have a sudden urge to stab that little smiley face with a rusty
knife.


plz don't kill me!

CHESTERFIELD: You’ve forgotten the magic word, sazza…it’s “please,” not
“plz.”


Sindar

MAGLOR: Sindar? What happened to “Sindarin”?

“English/common”

TUMNUS: I think sazza copied that from a dictionary entry.

Purple, Red, and the D.A.,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, sweet; bruises, chicken pox and rashes, and the D.A.

chapter seven of The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts.

SAURON: And knocks a few tiles off the roof.

Amazingly, all four lessons that day went by without any major mishaps.

TUMNUS (slapping his forehead): The first time in this entire fic…
MAGLOR: Tumnus, don’t complain!


It wasn’t until dinner that Merry and Pippin sprang their revenge.

SAURON: What the…revenge for WHAT?!
CHESTERFIELD: Um…uh…damn; I’ve forgotten already. These pranks are so stupid
and boring they just run together.


The Great Hall was set up as usual, four long house tables, Gryffindor,
Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, and a teachers table upon the dais.

MAGLOR (applauding): Thank you, sazza, for copying from the first “Harry
Potter” book for our benefit.


Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo were sitting directly behind Aragorn, Legolas,
Boromir, Hermione, Ron and Harry.

SAURON (frustrated): Morgoth Almighty! Enough with the lists, sazza! You
could have just said the Hufflepuffs were sitting behind the Gryffindors!


Merry aimed at the Elf’s plate, and threw a little purple berry.

TUMNUS: So their revenge involves THROWING BLUEBERRIES at Aragorn and
Legolas?


Pippin, likewise, aimed for Aragorn’s, with a little red berry.

CHESTERFIELD (“A Christmas Story” mother): “Pippin, don’t play with your
food; eat it! There are starving people in China!”


These berries were harmless for Hobbits,

MAGLOR (deadpan): Which is why they were throwing the berries away…it simply
wasn’t exciting or stylish to eat harmless food.


but the red berries were a mild poison to Men,

TUMNUS (aghast): They’re trying to kill Aragorn AGAIN!!
SAURON: Who would have thought hobbits would be so…violent?


and all Elves were allergic to the little purple berries.

MAGLOR (slowly and deliberately): Elves. Do. Not. Have. Allergies. Because.
They. Do. Not. Fall. Sick.
CHESTERFIELD: Sheesh, sazza; use your common sense.


“Come on, eat it eat it eat it!” Pippin was egging them on under his breath.

SAURON: “Yes; really, really GET KILLED!”

“Yes, yes! Yes, whatever you do, don’t look closer at that pasta!” Merry was
muttering.

MAGLOR: What does that have to do with anything?
TUMNUS: “A house-elf cooked a cigarette-butt into it!”


“Legolas, are you alright? You look a little queasy.” Hermione said,

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): I just found out what’s in the steak-and-kidney
pie!


noticing that Legolas’ face had turned slightly green.

TUMNUS (sigh): “Purple, red, GREEN, and the D.A.”

“I don’t feel well.” Aragorn complained quietly. “I think it was something I
ate.”

SAURON (ominously): Kreacher is trying to poison the students.

He was now picking at his dinner,

CHESTERFIELD (as Aragorn): One…two…three…okay; that’s three spaghetti
noodles on my plate so far…


which he had before been eating enthusiastically. Harry and Ron peered at him
in concern.

TUMNUS (irritably): Does it perhaps occur to them that he’s just NOT HUNGRY
ANYMORE?


They noticed that his face was flushed, slowly becoming red.

SAURON: Instantaneous measles…NO!

“Maybe we should take you up to the hospital wing. Both of you.” Hermione
suggested.

MAGLOR: By now Aragorn and Legolas have spent more time in the hospital wing
than Harry…and that is definitely saying something.


Legolas nodded, and Aragorn simply stood up. The six of them

TUMNUS: SIX of them? Why do they need SIX people to take two people to the
hospital wing?


then headed for the hospital wing, and Aragorn soon had to lean on Boromir so
that he wouldn’t fall.

CHESTERFIELD: Boy, you’d think Boromir would be pretty well tired of this by
now.
SAURON (as Boromir): I expect you to thank me for this later…


By the time they got to Madam Pomfrey, Legolas was leaning heavily on Harry and
Ron,

SAURON (as Legolas, Southern accent): Ooh, ah have the vapors…

and his face was slowly turning purple.

CHESTERFIELD (gasp): Hey, he pulled a Violet Beauregard! He’s turning into a
blueberry!


“Oh dear, this won’t do, put them down on the beds, there we go.” Madam Pomfrey
gushed.

*everyone makes splashing noises*
MAGLOR: That’s not “gushing”; if she’d said, “Oh, how cute! Legolas and Aragorn
are dying!” THAT would be “gushing”.


She immediately knew what to do to help Aragorn,

SAURON: “I’ll have to give him a dog’s brain!”

she told his anxious friends that he had eaten a mildly poisonous berry, which
she could easily cure.

TUMNUS: Right, because it’s “mildly” poisonous as opposed to “strongly” poisonous…wait…huh?

She forced him to swallow a vile-tasting concoction,

CHESTERFIELD: Made of bear grease, orange juice, and horse piss.

and then turned her attention to Legolas.

MAGLOR (as Madam Pomfrey): Was he always this girlish and prissy-looking?

“I truly don’t know what could ail him. You said that he started to look queasy
at dinner, right?

SAURON: Oh, he was probably conscience-stricken at the thought of eating one
of his woodland mates…
*Maglor smacks him*


Did he eat something funny?”

CHESTERFIELD: “Well, now that you mention it, he DID eat my joke-book
collection last night…”


Harry, Ron, Hermione and Boromir shook their heads; they had all eaten lasagne
and vegetables, from the same dishes.

TUMNUS: Served up by the new Italian house-elves down in the kitchens.

Aragorn then spoke up, in a rather unsteady voice.

MAGLOR (as Aragorn): W-where…is…t-t-the…b-b-bathroom?

“Elves are allergic to some things that mortals aren’t.

CHESTERFIELD: “Like light bulbs, and computers, and soy sauce.”

The purplebri, the raspberry, the spinach, the iceberg lettuce.

TUMNUS (laughing): Raspberries? ICEBERG LETTUCE?
SAURON: It goes along with sazza’s “elves-are-hippies” theme.
*Maglor has hidden his face in his hands*


They can also eat things that Men can’t, like Hobbits.

CHESTERFIELD (howling with laughter): They can eat hobbits?! Maglor, you
never told us!
*Maglor slams his head on the back of his seat*


There must’ve been something in the food that we didn’t know about.”

SAURON: What, didn’t the house-elves serve
raspberry-and-spinach-and-iceberg-lettuce lasagna?


Aragorn then stood up, and pulled an herb out of his pocket.

TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Here, Legolas; have some marijuana to make you feel
better.


He walked over to Legolas, still unsteady due to his illness, and Legolas said
something to him in another language.

MAGLOR: It translates to, “Get away, you piece of orc-shit!”

If you put that thing anywhere near me you will pay most dearly!

CHESTERFIELD: I’ll have to take it out of YOUR allowance, young man!

I’m pretty sure it was just a purplebri, they make Elves turn purple.

MAGLOR: Why in Iluvatar’s name would Yavanna devise a plant to make elves
turn purple?
TUMNUS: Maybe she was bored.


I’m not eating anything you give me, not after what you did two years ago!

SAURON: That aphrodisiac was too powerful; it practically drained my
testicles dry!


It was necessary!

CHESTERFIELD: I was sick of you going to sleep while I was still horny
and unsatisfied!


Legolas abruptly switched to Common.

TUMNUS (rolling his eyes): Obviously because sazza grew tired of typing in
coding.


“Last time I ate something you gave me I woke up in your father’s healing wing!

MAGLOR: “And the fact that your father’s dead makes it even worse!”

You’re just going to knock me out again!”

SAURON (as Aragorn): Well, what ELSE can I do?! You won’t shut up when I
tell you to, you can tell whenever I pull a gag out of my pocket…


Aragorn looked incredulous at this accusation. “You were bleeding from an arrow
wound to the shoulder, you had broken your ankle, and you had an infected wound
in your left arm!

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah…your point?
TUMNUS: “You ALWAYS get these injuries, and I always have to heal you! I wish
you’d stop blundering into orc-camps unarmed!”


There was no way I was going to let you walk to Rivendell!”

MAGLOR (irritably): Notwithstanding the fact that you cannot just WALK from
Mirkwood to Rivendell.


“You were no better off! As I recall, you had no less than three poisoned cuts,
and a sprained wrist!”

SAURON (losing control): I don’t WANT to read about Aragorn saving his lover
from danger; I can trust it happened!


“Look, I promise that I won’t give you a sleeping draught,

TUMNUS: “I’ll just give you a dose of cyanide.”

the Athelas will just neutralise the poison.”

MAGLOR (incredulously): He’s wasting his athelas on a berry that turns elves
purple?! What about Nazgul and poisoned orc arrows?!
SAURON: I think they’ve given up hope of ever returning home.


“So I won’t be purple?”

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, it’s always looks with you, isn’t it, Legolas? You ignore
terrible war-injuries, but let someone turn your skin purple and you’re
practically screaming mommy!


“Hopefully, you won’t be purple. I can’t guarantee,

TUMNUS: “Perhaps I should just leave you like this until you finally
mature.”


I’ve never had to do this before because I’ve never met any Elf stupid enough
to eat a purplebri!”

SAURON (guffaw): Oh, that’s our Legolas! He’s first-hand, perfect evidence
that the elves really ARE dwindling in Middle-earth!


“I didn’t know there was a purplebri in it!”

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas, whining): But…eh…eh…EHHHHHHH!!

“I you argue any more, I’ll knock you out and take you to Rivendell and
Mirkwood just so our families can laugh at you!”

MAGLOR (losing control): Aragorn, have you not forgotten something? You
CAN’T take Legolas to Rivendell and Mirkwood BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IN
MIDDLE-EARTH!!!


That shut him up. As the others, including Madam Pomfrey, looked on,

TUMNUS (as Madam Pomfrey): Dear me…when another book-universe becomes mixed
up with Hogwarts, things do get rather bizarre.


Aragorn put some Athelas in a bowl of hot water that Hermione conjured,

CHESTERFIELD (as Madam Pomfrey): Hey, Miss Granger, who’s the school nurse
here? You or me?


and the scent that sprang through the room

SAURON: Boi-oi-oing!
MAGLOR (puzzled): “Scent”? “Sprang”?


made everyone immediately feel wonderful.

CHESTERFIELD (singing): Get yourself some Alka-Seltzer and you’ll feel
better fast…
TUMNUS: What is this, a gas-medicine commercial all of a sudden?


Aragorn placed some of the infusion in a glass, and Legolas drank it, and his
bright purple colouring receded a little.

MAGLOR (sarcastically): Oh, lovely, it “receded a little.” THAT helped. I’m
so glad Aragorn thought of using up his store of athelas for such an important
cause.


At the door to the infirmary, Merry and Pippin were cackling with their
success.

SAURON (Wicked Witch of the West): “Now those ruby slippers will be mine, my
pretty!”


The berries weren’t potent enough to kill their friends, just give them amazing
colours.

CHESTERFIELD: Er, yeah; what happened to “mildly poisonous”? Anyway, since
when are Merry and Pippin skilled in herb-lore?


They had been following the entire time, and would never let their friends
forget the bright red and purple faces.

TUMNUS: You know, all things considered, it’s really not all that
embarrassing. You’d think Aragorn and Legolas would be mature enough to laugh
it off.
MAGLOR: Yes, but they’re not. According to sazza, they’re twelve, at most.


They had also borrowed Colin Creevey’s camera.

SAURON: And, of course, they immediately figured out how to use it.

Back in the Great Hall, Frodo and Sam were shaking their heads at the
immaturity of their kinsmen.

CHESTERFIELD: So why don’t Frodo and Sam—and Boromir and Gimli—just work on
Dumbledore and try to get back to Middle-earth?!
TUMNUS: Well, you have to admit that their life at Hogwarts is better than
their life on the Quest…enough to eat, no monsters hunting them, baths, no need
to worry about the Ring…
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, good point.


VVVVVV

SAURON: Hey, isn’t that an ancient Egyptian hieroglyph for something? Oh,
forget it.


At seven o’clock, the six friends headed up to the Room of Requirement for the
first D.A. meeting.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): So, Hermione, tell me again: you mean there’s
danger and evil in this world too?
MAGLOR (as Hermione, exasperated): Yes, Legolas.


Harry walked across a stretch of floor three times, muttering under his breath.


TUMNUS (as Harry, muttering): Ginny…how am I going to get her to go out with
me again? I never had this much trouble with Cho…yes, I did…


To the amazement of the Elf and Men, a large door appeared on the blank wall.

SAURON (irritably): What in Morgoth’s name were they expecting? After having
spent months at Hogwarts, they should realize that if you’re going to a “room,”
and you stop at a blank wall, SOMETHING magical is going to happen.


“Magic will never cease to amaze me.” Boromir commented.

SAURON: Well, I realize you’re trying to explain yourself, Boromir, but…

Ron and Harry led them in, and they all inspected the huge room.

TUMNUS: “Phew; smells like rat dung. When was the last time a house-elf set
foot here?”


It had a high ceiling, no windows, dark grey stone walls that were decorated
with large wooden cabinets, a bookshelf and was dimly lit at one end, though
brightly lit at the other.

CHESTERFIELD: So the Room of Requirement is now one of the sets for Young
Frankenstein
.


Soon other students began to arrive, and Hermione introduced the new students
to the ‘course.’

MAGLOR (as Hermione): Right; we’re going to learn how to defend ourselves
because Voldemort is going to attack Hogwarts in a month, and we’re all going
to have to fight him…wait…where’s everybody going?!


“Alright,” she began.

TUMNUS: I’m not overly-fussy about grammar, but if I see “all right” written
as one word one more time, I think I shall hurt somebody.


“Not everyone here knows everyone else,

SAURON: NO! Now sazza is going to write two paragraphs listing about one
hundred names!


and I want you all to sign this sheet of parchment. Don’t worry,”

MAGLOR: “Sazza isn’t going to read it out loud…I hope…”

she added upon seeing the looks of terror on certain original members faces,

TUMNUS: “I’m not binding you to a contract now, seeing as how this group is
legal at this point.”


“it doesn’t have the same charm on it. Instead, it’s a charm so that if anyone
that signs it says anything about it to the wrong sort of people, they will not
be able to open their mouths until they decide to say something else.

CHESTERFIELD: “I realize now that giving somebody permanent boils was just a
tad too inhumane.”
SAURON (puzzled): But…what’s the point of putting a secrecy charm on it if the
D.A. is legal now?


If anyone knows how to contact Marietta Edgecombe, can you tell her that I have
found a counter-curse? Thanks, Maigan.”

TUMNUS: Well, it’s about time, Hermione. Took you long enough.
CHESTERFIELD: I’ve noticed lately that Hermione has a strong cruel streak.


“Okay, the whole point of this class is to better prepare you all for facing
Death Eaters and the like, and so most of the stuff you’ll learn will be useful
in all-out battle, but some spells can be done stealthily and such, and we will
also learn to perform certain healing spells and so forth, because it would be
a complete waste to come out of a tussle only to die of a slow-working curse.

MAGLOR: Great Iluvatar, Hermione; you’re allowed to breathe, you know!
CHESTERFIELD: “Uh, Hermione, could you repeat that a little slower? We didn’t
quite catch it.”
SAURON: It’s like listening to a student teacher give a welcome speech.


“The main teacher of defensive and offensive spells is going to be Harry,

TUMNUS (as Hermione, aside): Thank God, ‘cause I don’t think my lungs are up
to talking during the whole class.


and I’ll also be teaching some useful charms that are usually only taught at
NEWT level or beyond.

CHESTERFIELD (as Hermione): ‘Cause I’m just CLEVER and SPESHUL and stuff.

I got them from Flitwick, and have permission to teach them to you.”

SAURON (grimace): How convenient.

Hermione collected the sheet which had by now been entirely filled, and Harry
took over command.

MAGLOR (as Harry, pirate): Argh, we’re mutinying against Hermione now! To
the brig with her, me hearty shipmates!


“Ok, We’re going to start today with basics,

TUMNUS: “I’m going to teach you a little maneuver that worked out well for
me during my first year. It’s called ‘Sticking your Wand up a Troll’s Nose.’”


and it will be mostly revision for everyone above fourth year,

SAURON (frustrated): REVIEW! R-E-V-I-E-W!! Is it THAT hard to use the right
word?!


but these are very useful spells.

MAGLOR: “You’ll just have to take my word for it.”

Disarming saved my life in June of my fourth year, so don’t you dare scorn the
simplicity.

CHESTERFIELD (as Zachariah Smith): Damn; he stopped me from doing it again!

Often the simplest spells are the most useful or effective.”

TUMNUS (gasp): Gracious! Could it be…foreshadowing?
CHESTERFIELD: Say no more, Tumnus, or we’ll get hate mail for spoiling “Deathly
Hallows”.


Harry told them to pair up. He had them practising disarming, then Summoning
their opponent’s wand.

SAURON: Wait a minute…when you disarm, doesn’t your opponent’s wand normally
fly into your hand? What would be the point of summoning it as well?
TUMNUS: Who cares? Stop trying to look for logic in this story.


Aragorn quickly got the hang of it, but Legolas was having trouble,

*everyone stifles laughter*

eventually, after several failures, Hermione helped him out.

MAGLOR (as Hermione): No, Legolas, you’re supposed to point your wand AT
your opponent.
CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas, stupidly): Dur-hey! I get it now!


Boromir was quite proficient under the careful eye of his partner, Hermione,

SAURON (gasp): Boromir and Hermione!
MAGLOR (smacking him): Enough!


and Neville and Ron were trying to make each other’s wands hit people when they
went flying.

TUMNUS (as Ron): Neville, my friend, I think we’ve just invented a powerful
new weapon: the Wand Catapult!
SAURON: Surely Neville isn’t forgetting everything he learned in the D.A.
before.


After ten minutes, almost everyone in the room had been hit by at least three
flying wands.

CHESTERFIELD (as Harry): Well, I guess using your wand to knock Death Eaters
over the head works too…kind of defeats the purpose, though…


Eventually, Harry made everyone stop by blowing a whistle, and then told them
to start setting up pillows on the floor so they could try the Stunning and
Body Bind curses.

MAGLOR: Pillows? Where and when did they get pillows?
CHESTERFIELD: Gene Wilder’s trailer outside the Young Frankenstein set,
probably.


Aragorn seemed to be having trouble with them,

SAURON (as Aragorn): Couldn’t I just fight with a sword as I NORMALLY do?

until Hermione found out that Elves were naturally impervious to such spells.

*everyone groans*
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah, right.
TUMNUS: Legolas is NOT perfect!


She made him practise on Harry, who wasn’t expecting such an assault.

MAGLOR: Chesterfield, what was that you were saying about Hermione’s cruel
streak?


She, Aragorn and Legolas collapsed in fits of laughter the first time Aragorn
hit his new target.

*much fake laughter*
SAURON: Oh, it’s hilarious!
TUMNUS: I can barely hold in my laughter!
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, what can you say? These are the same people who laughed at
Gandalf’s goat story.


VVVVVV

MAGLOR: Why does sazza keep typing pictures of Glaurung’s mouth?

PEEP!

TUMNUS (gasp): It’s a giant canary! Run for your lives!

The entire room fell silent at the whistle.

CHESTERFIELD (Mike Nelson): “Quiet, it’s the old man; he’s announcing
layoffs.”


“I know that we have to work around three different Quidditch schedules,

SAURON: “Yes, we ARE still having Quidditch, even though there are higher
priorities, such as defeating Voldemort.”


but I want everyone to be here on Saturday afternoon, fourth and fifth years at
two and sixth and seventh years at four!

TUMNUS (puzzled): They’re dividing the lesson into different levels? Why on
earth are they doing that?


We’ll be mostly revising stuff for the first few weeks,

ALL (steamed): REVIEWING STUFF!!!

so if it is impossible to hold Quidditch at another time don’t fret,

CHESTERFIELD: Heh; Harry’s sounding like an old lady when he says “don’t
fret.”


Hermione has found a neat little charm that can record everything we do so that
anyone who misses out can catch up.

MAGLOR: Would it not be easier to write down the schedule by hand?
SAURON: Oh, Maglor, this is Hogwarts! Where is your sense of adventure?


The charm was that used in the war against Grindelwald, to spy on his
followers,

CHESTERFIELD: “Yep, that’s right, folks. We’re using a powerful charm that
would probably be put to better use spying on the Death Eaters, but that’s
okay; we’ll waste it on the D.A., which isn’t even going to be any use, seeing
as how Voldemort still has six intact Horcruxes.”
MAGLOR: Eloquent.


so I can assure you that although it is a little unclear, it is accurate.

TUMNUS: Unclear…accurate…er…wouldn’t it be dangerous to use it, then?

It still is a lot better to be here for all the lessons, though.”

*Laughter*
SAURON (as Harry): For one thing, you won’t wear yourselves out trying to
understand sazza’s shoddy logic.


VVVVVV

TUMNUS: Oh, look, it’s my drawing of the ocean I made when I was four! I
wondered what had happened to it.


“Boromir?”
“Yes, Aragorn?”

CHESTERFIELD (Troy): “Have you always been a hopeless drunk?”

“I can’t remember what the name is of the Hobbit’s home.”

MAGLOR (as Boromir): All right, Strider, that settles it. You’ve been
hanging around with Legolas for FAR too long.


Boromir’s brow suddenly furrowed. “I can’t either.

TUMNUS: D’oh!...wait…really?

It was something like ‘Sheer’.”

SAURON (snicker): Eh…close enough.

“Let’s ask them tomorrow.”

CHESTERFIELD (snort): Oh, yeah, like that’s not gonna raise awkward
questions. “Excuse me, Frodo; I’ve forgotten the name of your home, even though
I’ve been traveling with you for months. Could you tell me what it is?”
MAGLOR: Well, I suppose if they have forgotten everything except pranks…


VVVVVV

SAURON: “V is for Victory!”

“Merry?”
“What, Pippin? I’m trying to sleep!”

TUMNUS (as three-year-old Pippin): But I want you to read me a bedtime story
and get me some biscuits!


“Mr. Pippin, would you please be silent so’s the rest of us can get to sleep?

MAGLOR (guffaw): “So’s”?
CHESTERFIELD: This IS supposed to be Sam that’s speaking, right?


I’m sure that Mr. Ernie would be pleased to get some sleep after your prank this
evening.”

SAURON (laughing): Oh, “Mr. Ernie”…that’s rich.
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, Sam, not even you’re this obsequious. Give it up.


“Indeed I would, Sam.

MAGLOR: “Despite the fact that the prank didn’t involve me at all.”

Please don’t call me Mr. Ernie, though, only teachers put Mr. in front of my
name.”

TUMNUS: “And they put it in front of my last name too; you’re not even doing
it properly.”
SAURON (as Sam): Right-o, Mr. Ernie. I won’t do it again, Mr. Ernie.


“Merry, I can’t remember how we got here, or what we were doing before.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Merry): Pippin, that’s normal for you. Now go to sleep and
stop bothering me.


“Pippin! We were… uh…

MAGLOR: “Playing cricket…yes…and…er…dancing the…Macarena…”

Sam what were we doing before we ended up here?”

TUMNUS (as Sam): Oh, we were probably ostracizing Gimli, as usual, because
he’s not good-looking.


“Ask Mr. Frodo, I’ve forgotten.”
“Frodo’s asleep!”

SAURON (as Sam): Oh, well, EXCUSE ME. I don’t spend every waking minute of
my life looking after him…wait…I do! Oh, Mr. Frodo, forgive me!


“Pippin, please don’t yell!”
“Sorry, Merry.”

TUMNUS (as Merry): I said DON’T YELL!!!
SAURON (as Pippin): Sorry…bloody hypocrite…


The Hufflepuff dorm receeded into silence.

CHESTERFIELD: And crappy spelling.
MAGLOR: So sazza waited until the seventh chapter to make clear what we already
knew from the beginning of the third: that the Fellowship has completely
forgotten about their Quest.


VVVVVV

CHESTERFIELD: “And when the very hungry caterpillar awoke, he was a
beautiful butterfly.”


The next morning, Gimli sought out the rest of the Fellowship.

*everyone cheers and applauds*
TUMNUS: Hooray! Here’s Gimli at last!


“The caves in these mountains are simply superb!

SAURON: Didn’t Fleur Delacour say “simply superb”?
CHESTERFIELD (shiver): Oh, thanks; now I’m picturing Gimli with a French
accent.


I must take you all out to see the wonders in them!”

MAGLOR: “And then lose you all in a rockslide, and then I will rule the
world! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!”


Legolas looked at Gimli incredulously.

TUMNUS (as Legolas): YOU actually have LINES in this story?! Who gave you
lines in this story?! I am outraged!


“I am not going anywhere near a cave unless I absolutely must.”
“Why not, Master Elf?”
“Bad experiences.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): I stumbled into a cave when I was playing
Spin-the-Bottle with my childhood friend Ariana Rosalina Elbereth Sparkle-moon,
and there were orcs waiting inside, and I was gang-raped, and they told me that
Saruman wanted to use me as a courtesan…(sob)


Aragorn looked at him interestedly. “Are you ever going to actually tell us
what those experiences were

ALL: NO!
SAURON: Come on; this is Gimli’s first moment of glory in this fic! You’re
going to ruin it for him!
MAGLOR (pleading): Gimli, any time you feel like it, you can kill Legolas with
your axe. Please?


or are you going to keep me still in the dark?”

TUMNUS (as Gimli): Speaking of the dark, I believe we were talking about the
CAVES here… (glares at Aragorn)


Legolas sighed heavily. “I was fifteen. That is equivalent to about ten in a
human.

MAGLOR (throwing up his hands): Oh, for Iluvatar’s sake!

My mother and I….” He cocked his head in confusion. “I… can’t remember.”

CHESTERFIELD: Thank Saruman for that. I got a really bad feeling about the
way you started that sentence.


“That’s strange, last night all of us forgot how we got here, and we also
forgot why we met all you,” Sam said.

SAURON: THANK you, plot-exposition-revealer Sam.

“Pippin brought it up,” he mused.

SAURON: Oh, plot-exposition-revealer Pippin, then.
MAGLOR (as Gimli): Excuse me? I thought this was MY conversation.


“Even more strange, Aragorn and I couldn’t remember something, either.

TUMNUS: “And now we can’t remember that either! Help!”

What is the name of your home country, Meriadoc?”

CHESTERFIELD (as Merry): Uh…Dixie. No, wait…America. No, that can’t
be…Scotland. No…


Merry screwed up his face in concentration before replying, “I can’t remember.”

MAGLOR (as Boromir): DAMN!
SAURON: Suspenseful, sazza.


“T’is strange,

CHESTERFIELD: Is that supposed to be a contraction of “this”?

usually my memory is crystal clear, but today

TUMNUS: “It’s smeared with fingerprints. Hand me the window-cleaner,
please.”


I can only remember one experience from home: the time that Aragorn drugged me
and I woke up in his father’s care.

ALL: NO!
MAGLOR: Not ANOTHER story of Legolas’s and Aragorn’s injuries!


You were a lot worse for the wear, Estel, you really shouldn’t have carried me
all that distance.”

SAURON: Give it a rest, Legolas! None of us bloody care! And stop stealing
the attention away from poor Gimli!
MAGLOR: Somehow the fact that sazza introduced Gimli and seemed about to give
him a personality in this fic makes her contempt for him even worse.


“I remember that too, but I can’t remember much else,” Aragorn said.

TUMNUS: Thank Aslan. I thought we’d have to sit through another one of your
lovers’ quarrels.


“Frodo?” Pippin asked.
“I can remember about the Ring, and some times in the Shire, but little else.”

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, now here’s the plot point! The Fellowship falls into
Hogwarts and gets amnesia! Will they remember their Quest in time to get home
to stop Sauron?
MAGLOR: Hmmm…not the MOST original plot, but at least it isn’t just about
playing pranks anymore.


Gandalf came walking over. “Ah, so the Fellowship is united once more!”

SAURON: “Oh, yeah, thanks, Mr.
It-will-take-a-ridiculously-long-time-to-get-back-to-Middle-earth. What were
YOU doing while we all got amnesia, eh? You’ve been a great help so far in
trying to get us back home.”


“Gandalf,” Aragorn began, “we cannot remember our homes, or even why we all
met.

TUMNUS (as Gandalf, stupidly): Well, don’t worry about that; neither can I!
Doo-hoo!


Frodo remembers something to do with a Ring, but the rest of us cannot remember
anything of before we came here.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Well, I hope this Ring Frodo remembers isn’t the
ringworm I got infected with after he didn’t clean his rug for thirty years…


“T’is strange,” Gandlaf said,

MAGLOR (laughing): She’s using the contraction for “this” AGAIN!
SAURON: There was a king of Rohan named Frealaf. As far as I know, there has
been no “Gandlaf,” though.


“It is similar to a folktale that the Men of Rohan used to tell, long ago.

TUMNUS: “About some strange person named Gandlaf, who wore gray robes and a
pointed hat, and wandered around Middle-earth, and seemed to be incredibly
loony…WAIT a minute…”


It was said to be fiction, but we seem to be living a similar experience.”

ALL: Hmmm… (stroke their chins)
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, sazza, you’re such a wit.


His comment was met by eight raised eyebrows.

SAURON (as Gandalf): Look, I’m only telling you what I’ve heard! Don’t sue
me!
MAGLOR (as Gandalf): Incredible! How did all eight of you manage to raise a
single eyebrow in unison?


“Pray tell, Gandalf.” Frodo requested.

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Well, then… “Call me Ishmael. I was born in a
house my father built…”


“A little girl, her two brothers and her sister went through a wardrobe to
another world.

*Tumnus’s jaw drops open in pure shock*
SAURON: So now sazza’s making this a TRIPLE crossover?!
MAGLOR: The Chronicles of Narnia as a folktale of ROHAN?!


They defeated a Witch there, and became the monarchs.

CHESTERFIELD: You know, I think in the Rohirric version of the story, this
“Witch” was Galadriel—you know, “Sorceress of the Golden Wood”?
MAGLOR: That’s the only “Witch” in Middle-earth… (clutching his forehead)


They grew up, and totally forgot their previous life.

*Tumnus is still in shock*
SAURON (waving a hand in front of his face): Tumnus…wake up.


They stumbled upon a part of the woods, and fell out of a wardrobe, only a
second after they had left.

MAGLOR (worriedly): Tumnus?
TUMNUS (in pure fury): Sazza, you’ve done it again! Who ASKED you to bring MY
country into this?! Narnia didn’t even EXIST when Rohan existed; Lucy told me
that! And HOW would the Rohirric know the story?! None of them even HAVE
wardrobes! None of them fought in the Second World War!


“Years had passed in Narnia, but in England, I think it was called,

CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): And is STILL called…
TUMNUS: ARGH!! You supposedly live in England’s past and tell stories about the
future that won’t resurface for thousands of years…not to mention that you
don’t seem to realize that Hogwarts is in Britain…sazza, stop writing before my
brain explodes!


only a second had ticked by. They were also children again”

TUMNUS (angrily): IT WAS NOT A FOLKTALE FROM ROHAN!
CHESTERFIELD: Look, we know. Just try to relax; it’s sazza using her horrible
excuse for logic again.


“Weird,” Gimli commented.

SAURON: Yet not NEARLY as weird as the fact that the Rohirrim know about
Narnia…and about wardrobes, for that matter, not to mention four modern-English
names.


“I didn’t come to tell you that story.

CHESTERFIELD (movie!Hagrid): “Argh! I shouldn’t’ a told yeh that!”

I did, however, want to tell you all this: There is no easy way to get back
home.

MAGLOR (scowl): Oh, excellent. Back to the pranks and the “girl problems,” then.


Dumbledore and I have not yet exploited our idea because it is takingtoo long,

SAURON (rolling his eyes): So Dumbledore and Gandalf have not done anything,
because they’re too LAZY. Thanks for making that clear, sazza.


and it's not quite running smoothly. We are trying,

TUMNUS: “We ARE! What do you mean, ‘rubbish’?!”

but have hit a number of barriers that cannot be penetrated.

CHESTERFIELD: “Yes, well, you see, there’s pretty heavy construction being
done on the highway to Middle-earth, so the road is closed.”


I’m afraid that the Quest of the Ring will have to be put on hold.”

MAGLOR (snort): “Put on hold”? It’s a mission to save the world, not an
office party!


“Quest of the Ring?” Legolas echoed. “That rings a bell, but I cannot place it.

TUMNUS: Ha, ha, another pun! “Rings” a bell…do you get it?
OTHERS: D’oh!


Why do you seem to have held onto your memories?”

SAURON (as Gandalf): I think it’s because sazza doesn’t love me. I suppose
being old and ugly-looking DOES have its upsides.


“I am an Istar.”

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Well, okay, apparently I’m a crazy goat-molesting
Istar who broke Dumbledore’s nose, but who cares? I’m STILL an Istar.


He said it as if that explained everything,

MAGLOR (as Gandalf, in a monotone): All further questions must be submitted
to Manwe and Varda in writing. Thank you.


but it only left the rest of the Fellowship more confused than ever.

TUMNUS (shaking his head morosely): They aren’t the only ones.
CHESTERFIELD: Ain’t that the truth.


I know, the characters are out of character a bit,

SAURON (patiently): Sazza, the characters are out of character “a bit” in
the same way George Bush is a moron “a bit”.


but, like in ‘the Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’,

*Tumnus growls in frustration*

the characters don’t act the same in the other world.

MAGLOR: Yes, but in the Chronicles of Narnia, the children acted MATURE FOR
THEIR AGES in this other world. In this story, on the other hand…


Peter and Edmund could wield a sword in Narnia but not England, Susan could
shoot a bow.

*Silence*
TUMNUS: Chesterfield, you explain it.
CHESTERFIELD: Sazza, it was because they HAD to in order to SURVIVE. Do you
honestly think Aragorn and Legolas have to act like ten-year-olds to survive at
Hogwarts? I don’t.


Here, all but Gimli (and Gandalf) can use the same magic as the wizards,

SAURON: You SAID that already. We KNOW you don’t think Gimli is cute enough
to get a more prominent role; don’t bother trying to cover it up.


while Gimli has been given leave by Hagrid and Dumbledore to explore the caves.

MAGLOR: “Hide your ugly face from the innocent girls at Hogwarts, dwarf!”

That is why he wasn’t very prominent in the last chaps.

TUMNUS: So despite SUPPOSEDLY being Hagrid’s assistant, Gimli has been
hiding in a cave this entire time.
SAURON: Maybe he’s too ashamed of how horribly he’s being treated.
TUMNUS: Don’t be ridiculous. The real Gimli would instantly threaten Dumbledore
with his axe.


I didn’t give Gimli magical ability because I just don’t see a Dwarf wielding a
wand.

CHESTERFIELD: Bullshit, sazza. We all know that if Gimli wore a blond wig
and shaved his beard, you’d be singing a VERY different tune.
MAGLOR (shaking his head): If she can picture Voldemort wielding a wand, why
can’t she picture Gimli wielding a wand? She thinks Voldemort is more
attractive than Gimli, eh?


Hobbits, I think they look cute with wands (hehehe)

*Dead, awkward silence*
SAURON: That did it. If I did not hate sazza before, I loathe her now.
TUMNUS: Someday I’ll look back on that line and laugh. Now, though, I’m
just…appalled.
CHESTERFIELD: Boy, who’d have thought her explanations for mischaracterization
would make everything much worse?


Guess what?

MAGLOR (deadpan): Your DVD-player has been fixed?

I have an idea for the next (and probably final) prank in the story!

*everyone boos and hisses*
SAURON: Wait…did she say “probably final”?
CHESTERFIELD: Uh…she did.
*Pause, then everyone cheers*


Don’t worry, they will get home, and the Quest will succeed! YAY!

SAURON (over-dramatically): NO!
TUMNUS: Oh, thanks for spoiling the ending, sazza.


Okay, now that I have said that, some people can actually see that I did think
it out, I just am writing it immaturely. (grin)

*everyone grumbles and flips off the screen, before leaving the theater*


Review here
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
I. Do. Not. Own. Lord. Of. The. Rings. Or. Harry. Potter.

MAGLOR: Why. Are. You. Doing. This? We. Know. Already.
SAURON: Stop. Doing. That. Maglor.


And if I did, no-one would read it, let alone write Fanfiction of it!

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, ‘cause if you did, the entire plot would be like Pippi
Longstocking.


I know, long time no see. I had a reason, as I explain at the end.

TUMNUS: Come, we don’t care. Take as long as you want.

For the moment, this is the end of the story,

*everyone cheers and applauds*

but I might do a sequel

ALL: NO! YOU WOULDN’T!

(audience cringes so authoress changes mind in a flash)

CHESTERFIELD (aghast): My Saruman, how did she know?

Or, I could start that new plot-bunny that attacked me! (tries to remember what it was, fails dismally) YAY!

*all facefault*

Looks like I have no projects here until the next bunny attacks that I listen
to because it ain’t Mary-Sue!

*Pause*
MAGLOR: What did she just say?
TUMNUS: It was just a muddle of words. Pay no attention.


(suddenly remembers said plot-bunny)

CHESTERFIELD: If sazza types stuff like “scratches butt” and “goes to the
kitchen to make a sandwich” in parentheses after this, I’m going to kill
myself.


Oh that’s right! Two of Legolas’ sisters replace Merry and Pippin on the Quest!
What happens?

MAGLOR (groan): Oh, Iluvatar, that’s worse!

Middle-Earth falls to Sauron, and his sisters turn out to be actually me and
one of my sisters, who are…

ALL: ARRGHH, NO!
TUMNUS: If Morgoth makes us read this one…!


Yeah, see why I ignore most of my plot bunnies?

SAURON (sigh): Oh, she didn’t write it…it’s all right.
CHESTERFIELD (shiver): Thank Saruman. Another Mary Sue after Leonora and Rosa
might have destroyed me completely.


Ok, I’ll be shocked if anyone actually reads my ramblings.

MAGLOR (deadpan): Then prepare to be shocked, sazza…hopefully with an
electric wire.


Sindar
“English/common”

ALL: Enough already!

Colours

SAURON (groan): Oh, is it more hair and face-painting?!

and the unexpected, chapter eight of The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts.

TUMNUS: “Take THAT, Hogwarts! I hate you, I hate you!”

Aragorn shook his head in exasperation.

MAGLOR (as Aragorn): Is it just me, or is this situation getting too
ridiculous?


“Istar,” he muttered.

TUMNUS (as Gandalf): Er, that’s Gandalf to you, Longshanks.

“Even more vain than Elves,

MAGLOR: Excuse me?
SAURON (yawning): So if your father’s attitude toward the Valar and the
Silmarils was not vanity, then what was it?
MAGLOR: Oh, shut up.


and I swear he takes more delight in riddles than my Ada!”

CHESTERFIELD: “And sazza’s thrown a Sindarin word randomly into the
sentence, just to make herself look smart about Middle-earth!”
MAGLOR (puzzled): Aragorn is 87, and yet he still says ada?


A moment later, Dumbledore came over from the staff table to ask his brother

*everyone sighs*
TUMNUS: Sazza, you don’t have to keep throwing it in our faces that Gandalf and
Dumbledore are brothers; we get it by now!


to accompany him to his office tomorrow morning, along with the entire
Fellowship.

SAURON (as Dumbledore): I’ll admit it; the student-disguise-idea wasn’t that
good. But I think I have an even better idea…the Fellowship can dress in dark
cloaks and pretend to be Dementors!


Merry and Pippin had another trick up their sleeves.

MAGLOR: And it was making their arms itch like mad.

Products from Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, of course.

CHESTERFIELD: You know, I wouldn’t think it would be safe to carry those
things around in your shirt all the time. You could potentially injure or kill
yourself.
TUMNUS: How are they getting these products, anyway? The Weasely twins don’t
work at Hogwarts.


Said product being magical body paint,

ALL: Oh, please!
SAURON: Sazza, have you a SINGLE hint of creativity in you?


you place on drop one someone’s skin

CHESTERFIELD: Whoa; two words were totally mixed up in there.

and it will expand to cover their upper body –

MAGLOR: Er, sazza…define what you mean by “upper body.” If you mean what I
think you mean, then you may as well admit that Aragorn and Legolas are lovers.


torso, neck, arms and head.d

MAGLOR: Oh. Never mind.
TUMNUS: Sazza seems to have got a bit too enthusiastic with the “d” key.


Pippin had two colours, one fore each of Legolas and Aragorn,

SAURON (laughing): Impossible…she can’t even spell the word “for” now!
CHESTERFIELD: Nah, I think she’s going for “Ye Olde Englishe” spelling and is
gonna start typing everything like “thisse”.


while Merry had two colours of magical hair-dye – one drop expands over the
entire head.

MAGLOR: Even if these pranks had been amusing in the beginning, they would
STILL be dull and tired by now.
SAURON: Perhaps we should close our eyes and sleep through the prank and
Legolas’s and Aragorn’s ensuing tantrums.


Both dyes would stay there for twenty-four hours before fading as if it had
never been.

TUMNUS: Again, how would Merry and Pippin know all this? Unless, of course,
the Weasely twins put warning labels on all their products, which strikes me as
quite out-of-character, for them…
CHESTERFIELDS: British wizards must have some equivalent of the FDA.


Of course they deposited the dyes as they passed the Gryffindor table at lunch.

SAURON (sigh): These pranks ALWAYS occur at mealtimes. You’d think by now
that Aragorn and Legolas could ask the house-elves to bring food to their
dormitory…or come to the Great Hall before or after Merry and Pippin have
left…or wear armor as they eat…


VVV

CHESTERFIELD: Whoa; there’s fewer “v’s” now!
MAGLOR: So…now it’s a flock of wild geese depleted by hunting.


Legolas suddenly froze, staring at his hand.

TUMNUS (as Legolas): Oh, bother; I stuck my hand in solid ice again.

It had turned green. Not sickly green, however, it was – quite literally –
grass green.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, Legolas is obviously fated to play Elphaba in “Wicked.”
He’s effeminate enough to pull it off, too.


His other hand was, too. And his wrists. Not to mention his entire arms.

SAURON: Not to mention sentence fragments. And three-word phrases. And the
rest of his body.
MAGLOR (wince): “His entire arms”? Sazza, even I speak better English than you,
and it isn’t my first language.


He unfroze and looked at Boromir, opposite him, who was squirming with
laughter.

TUMNUS (sigh): Boromir, Boromir; it’s not that funny.
CHESTERFIELD: Boromir is a warrior, sazza. The only time he ever squirms is
when he’s trying to get away from Jules.


He looked at his best friend. All of Aragorn’s visible skin was rapidly turning
sky blue, and soon had darkened to bright blue.

SAURON: All right…he is either turning into a Smurf, Violet Beauregard in
blueberry form, or Bubs from the “Homestar Runner” cartoon. Which is it?


His hair, however, was not untouched. Indeed, it had turned Orange.

MAGLOR: No, not just orange, but Orange.
TUMNUS: So this means his hair turned into a brand of soft drink.


With a capital O.

CHESTERFIELD (singing): And that rhymes with “Go” and that stands
for…um…forget it.
SAURON: Now he has a large letter “O” written in his hair? Sazza, what is
going on here?!


Legolas could only assume that he was as bad, judging by Aragorn’s bright blue
face.

CHESTERFIELD: Nah, I wouldn’t say that. If you’re bright green, you can toss
that off as some weird fungal infection. If you’re bright blue, that’s a lot
harder to explain.


He raised a hand to bring a strand of short blonde hair in front of his eyes –

TUMNUS (as Legolas): This is my new look; I want to look like Cousin Itt.

but it wasn’t exactly blonde anymore.

MAGLOR (gasp): It was dirty-blond! Oh, the horror!

Oh no, it was purple. Purple!

ALL: PURPLE, DAMMIT! PURPLE!!

As in, halfway between blue and red, purple!

CHESTERFIELD: Aw, widdle sazza’s learned how to mix colors together! I’m so
proud!


As in, green skin, purple hair purple!

MAGLOR: Well, sazza’s narrative power is certainly…er…lacking…at best.
TUMNUS: Sazza, come on. Do you think people would have read A Tale of Two
Cities
if Dickens had written his opening passage as “It was the best of
times, it was the worst of times. Oh yes, best and worst! As in, two extremes
of descriptive wording, best of times, worst of times! As in, green skin,
purple hair best of times, worst of times!”
CHESTERFIELD: Say, that’s catchy.


The teens let out piercing screams

*laughter*
SAURON: I would love to hear Isildur’s heir scream like a little girl.


before running, high-tailing it to their dorm,

MAGLOR: Stop acting like thirteen-year-old girls! You are warriors; you can
laugh it off!


Boromir, Harry and Ron following them, howling with laughter.

TUMNUS: Oh, that’s kind.
CHESTERFIELD: Howling like wolves? I think Boromir, Ron, and Harry are going
through what Darwin would call “Devolution”.


VVV

MAGLOR (singing): Down in the valley, valley so low…

Legolas and Aragorn had ducked through a shortcut that Ron had shown them and
Boromir

SAURON (yawn): How convenient. Thank you for throwing that fact in.

to escape the stares of curious passers-by,

TUMNUS (irritably): Just try to wash it all off! Or at least ask Ron to give
you the counter-charm!


and were soon standing in front of the gargoyles guarding the Headmasters
Office.

CHESTERFIELD: Wasn’t there only one gargoyle?
MAGLOR: If they were OUTSIDE Dumbledore’s office, wouldn’t they still be in
danger of being stared at?


Soon the two Wizards, Boromir, Gimli and the Hobbits arrived,

SAURON (as Dumbledore): Oh, Aberforth, I’m so proud of you! I thought you
couldn’t have your way with that fierce mountain-goat we met in the Alps
earlier today!
TUMNUS (as Gimli): Oh, why’d you have to drag me out of my cave? I’m too UGLY
to show my face around Hogwarts! I’m so ashamed…*sob*


and Dumbledore led them up the spiral staircase after telling the gargoyles the
password (Cadbury Dairy Milk, Milk Chocolate).

CHESTERFIELD: Ah, Cadbury must have paid handsomely for this product
placement.


“I would like to inform you all,” Dumbledore began, “that we cannot exploit a
way to send you all home.

ALL: WHAT?!
MAGLOR: But sazza said this would be the last chapter!
TUMNUS: Ugh…it’s going to be an exceptionally long chapter, I daresay.
SAURON: Sazza, this is cruel and unusual, even for me.


It has been barely a month,

CHESTERFIELD: Argh! So we’ve got almost eleven months to go! NOOOOO!

but we are no closer to knowing why you are here than we are to knowing how you
came – or are going to get home.”

*everyone does a double-take*
MAGLOR: In other words, Dumbledore knows nothing.


Suddenly the world spun, and all ten appeared to be outside –

ALL: YAH!
CHESTERFIELD: Geez; this is like those violently-quick changes in movies!


standing by a rather gorgeous forest, no less.

TUMNUS (groan): Oh, so they’ve landed in Narnia, which gives sazza an
opportunity to gleefully ruin the history and customs of MY country now.


“Where are we?” several confused Company members asked thin air.

SAURON (phone message): This is thin air. I’m sorry, but we cannot answer
your question directly over the phone. Please submit all questions, comments,
and concerns in writing, to thinair.com.


“Lothlorien,” Aragorn breathed. “We are standing outside Lothlorien!”

CHESTERFIELD: “You’ll just have to take my word for it!”
MAGLOR: “Gorgeous forest”? That tells us nothing. There were at least one
hundred “gorgeous forests” in Arda in the Third Age. Perhaps you should have
mentioned the GOLDEN LEAVES?


“Without weapons,” Gimli noted,

SAURON: “Shut up, ugly!”
TUMNUS (paling): So they’re home, but they’re even worse off!


“And we don’t have our packs, neither!” Sam complained.

CHESTERFIELD (as Sam): My pans! My beloved pans! How am I goin’ to cook
stewed rabbit for Mr. Frodo without ‘em?


“I’m still green,” Legolas moaned, as Aragorn complained that he was still
bright blue.

MAGLOR: “We’re still immature and whiny!”
TUMNUS (shaking his head): Galadriel is going to have quite a load on her hands.


“Look on the bright side,” Gandalf said,

SAURON: “Of life. Always look on the right side of life.”

earning glares from almost all members of the company,

CHESTERFIELD: “Gandalf, you bastard! You got us into this mess, and now
you’re telling us to look on the BRIGHT SIDE?! We WISH you’d died in Moria!”


“you are all back to your normal state of age and hairstyle!”

TUMNUS: Oh, ha, ha, ha, all for fun!
CHESTERFIELD: This is the part where Aragorn shouts, “GET HIM!” and the entire
Fellowship jumps on Gandalf and starts beating the crap out of him.


VVV

MAGLOR: The grass outside Lothlorien, ladies and gentlemen.

Back in Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall entered the office just as they all
disappeared.

SAURON (as McGonagall, falling on her face): Oh, bloody hell, Albus! Why
does the world always have to spin faster during situations like this?!
TUMNUS (as McGonagall): Taking a Portkey from Hogwarts in the middle of the
day?! This is the last straw; they’re expelled from Hogwarts!


“Odd,” she commented, “It’s supposed to be impossible to Apparate inside
Hogwarts, and no-one ever taught them that level of magic anyway!”

ALL: WAH WAH WAH!
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, sazza, you witty and hilarious charmer, you’ve done it again!
SAURON: THAT’S the end? Could sazza make it any more obvious that she’s tired
of this story and wants to wrap it up quickly?


Yeah, a quarter the length of the other chapters, and a LONG wait to boot!

MAGLOR: It was still a horrible, abrupt ending, sazza. You spend seven
chapters describing pranks in detail, yet you are lazy enough to end the fic
with “Suddenly, they went back to Middle-earth. The end.”


I HAD A REASON!!!!!

*everyone jumps and yells*
CHESTERFIELD: Don’t DO that, sazza! You just shattered both my eardrums!


I WAS PREPARING FOR A HUGE COMPETITION!!

TUMNUS: There is no reason to yell at us about it, though.
SAURON: I’m guessing that this “huge competition” was a chess-club tournament.


Well, actually it was Regionals for Opti-Minds,

SAURON: Eh, well, close enough.

but we WON! Yay for us!

CHESTERFIELD (as sazza): Yahoo! Whoopee! Hot diggety dog! Zippety-doo-dah!

I’m going to States!

MAGLOR: Are we supposed to applaud or just laugh?

And so is the other team from our school, in the other age division!

TUMNUS: The three-year-olds division?

YAY!

SAURON: Anyone who types “yay!” on the computer when he or she is excited
should be first on Morgoth’s “kill list” for the Dagor Dagorath…I mean, after
the Noldor, Arien and Melian, and the Numenoreans, of course.


I’m high on success. It IS possible!

TUMNUS: Well, at least if sazza’s “high on success,” she shouldn’t be too
upset about how dreadful her story is.
CHESTERFIELD: Tumnus, you’re too kind. She should suffer for making us suffer.
She even ENDED the story crappily!
*all exit the theater. The doors are shown in reverse order*


On the bridge of the Satellite, a most unusual scene was taking place. Maglor
and Sauron sat at the table, drinking wine, chattering—and laughing together.
All the enmity that they had shown before the story seemed to have been
forgotten.

“You are right, Maglor,” Sauron was saying. “I don’t think I will bear it any
longer. After all, what do I need with Morgoth? I was a Dark Lord in Arda as
well, and I was more successful than he was! And even when I was his
lieutenant, he never appreciated me—never paid me in anything but dead elves,
gave me Angband to run but not a place of my own, the only time off he let me
have was right after the Dagor Bragollach. He also gave me Thuringwethil, but
unfortunately, she quit after that little scandal with Luthien. What do I owe
Morgoth?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Maglor said firmly, sipping at his wine. “So the Black
Enemy shows as little mercy to his followers as he does to his enemies. Somehow
I’m not surprised. It is a pity that you followed in his footsteps, though…”

“Well, at the time I still respected him,” admitted Sauron. “But now that he
treated me like a prisoner and sent me up here to read awful fanfiction, I’m
through with him. Never in all his long years as the ruler of Angband did he
make his prisoners read “The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts.” He didn’t even make
Hurin read “The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts.” And the fact that he did it to me…”

“And me!” Maglor cut in angrily. “Why, I think the cruelty he showed my father
and brother was less painful, and I…”

“Well, look at that,” Chesterfield whispered to Tumnus. “Looks like those two finally found something in common.”

At this moment, the globe lit up and showed an even more unusual scene taking
place in the Void.

“So…you call yourself Voldemort, do you?” Morgoth was asking, as a snakelike
man with glowing red eyes sat glumly chugging a bottle of bourbon. “You know, I
was quite impressed with your attempts to take over the world. The idea of
splitting your soul into seven parts is fascinating—I have no soul, myself, but
it is fascinating nonetheless. And it seems very useful to have one single
curse for torture, one for obedience, and one for killing. Quite convenient,
that.”

“Do you really think so?” Voldemort asked, hiccupping noisily.

“I do,” Morgoth answered. “After all, if you are a Man and the Valar have sent
you to the Void, you already have something to be proud of. I suppose Manwe and
Varda thought you crossed too many lines for you to die like other Men.”

“Proud?” grumbled Voldemort, slumping forward. “Everything is lost now. I
should have kept the Horcruxes with me at all times…I should have put the
Imperius curse on Snape…I should have hired less idiotic minions. Oh, how I
hate happy endings!”

“I do as well,” Morgoth said soothingly. “But there is still hope. Eventually,
I shall be able to escape from here and wreak my vengeance on the world. And I
have an idea for you. How would you like to be my lieutenant for the Dagor
Dagorath? I would reward you handsomely after we won.”

Now Voldemort was looking up, and there was an expression of interest in his
red eyes.

“Would you allow me to torture anyone I wanted? And I could use my magic and
make more Horcruxes?”

“Of course,” Morgoth replied.

Voldemort smiled broadly and eagerly, and extended his hand to the evil ex-Vala.
“Then it’s a deal!”

Morgoth smiled briefly at his new servant before turning angrily towards Maglor
and Sauron, who were still badmouthing him.

“And what is the meaning of this, you two?” he snapped.

Sauron turned toward the globe, sneering. “You expect me to fear you? You’re
helpless down there; you cannot do anything. Anyway, if you kill your precious
lieutenant, what allies will you have?”

Morgoth smiled coldly. “Hopefully one more loyal and less rebellious than you.
Have you forgotten that YOU are helpless in the Void as well? I release you
from my service, but not from my clutches. Oh, and I’d like you to meet my new
lieutenant, Voldemort.”

There was a bang and a flash of light, and Sauron disappeared from the
Satellite. The stunned prisoners could hear Morgoth’s voice saying, “He’s
yours, Voldemort. You may do as you like with him.” Then they heard a high,
cold laugh and the screams of someone being tortured.

Maglor, looking both sick and angry, yelled at the globe, “What are you doing?!
He’s my friend now!”

“Why do you think I called him back here to be punished?” Morgoth retorted
coolly. “I heard the two of you plotting against me. Don’t think that you can
escape punishment, Noldorin brat. Your next fanfic will make “The Fellowship
Hits Hogwarts” look easy to sit through.

At this moment, there was another bang and flash of light, and Boris appeared,
looking fresh and cheerful—as fresh and cheerful as Nazgul can look, anyway.

“How was your trip?” Chesterfield asked sourly.

“Great!” Boris answered, with unusual enthusiasm. “Loved seeing the other
Nazgul again…enjoyed Montreal…” he suddenly trailed off as he saw Morgoth’s
face.

“Perfect,” Morgoth said with satisfaction. “So our missing prisoner is back
from his holiday. Now you can share Maglor’s punishment, Boris. I let you go on
holiday—and now it is time for you to pay me back.”

“What?!” Boris gasped. “You never told me this!”

“And your next fanfic will be something that will make you and Maglor wish you
had never dared cross me,” continued Morgoth. “I may be trapped in the Void,
but I am still the Lord of Arda, and there is no way for you to escape me.”

MSTier’s note: I want to thank everyone who had the patience to wade through
this onerous, mind-numbing fanfic with me. I may never do stories with eight
long chapters again.



Review here
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
« Previous Topic · Lord of the Rings - MST · Next Topic »
Add Reply