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MST: Kingdom of Heaven or Hell? [the MST]
Topic Started: Aug 22 2008, 02:55 AM (694 Views)
Telcontar Rulz
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Rising Again
Title: MST: Kingdom of Heaven or Hell?
Based on: Kingdom of Heaven or Hell? (by Hikara Kokoi), Kingdom of Heaven (directed by Ridley Scott).
Rating: T
Warnings: Wangst, bitch fights, OOCness
Summary: While Legolas' friends are sporking MELH, the elf finds himself put in another sporking team and dealing with another fangirl who fancied that she was a writer. At least it's not a 'girl falls into the Middle Ages' story, which gives them some relief. However, it's still bad.
Characters: Legolas, Hector Barbossa, Anna-Maria, Hermione Granger, Logan 'Wolverine' Howlett


Legolas sat in his armchair. Quiet at last. The others were busy sporking that monstrosity called 'MiddleEarth's Last Hope', but since Sauron didn't want to destroy this test subject, the elf was allowed a reprieve. The door burst open. "Lord Sauron summons you," said an orc, sneering at him. The elf slowly rose to his feet, trying his best to maintain his emotionless mask. His father had always taught him that the best way to intimidate one's enemy was not to let him know how one was feeling.

"I cannot be summoned like some lapdog," he said.

"He also said if polite invitation doesn't work, we're allowed to use the forceful kind," said the orc.

Legolas pressed his lips together. He hated being so helpless. However, he did intend to get out of here alive and to see his home again, so he kept quiet and followed the orc out. The foul bow-legged creature led him through the winding corridors until they came to another cinema, this one slightly smaller than the one which showed 'MiddleEarth's Last Hope'. A group of frightened or angry people were already standing outside. One was a tall man with two peaks in his hair, rather like ears. He was glaring at everyone and what seemed to be metal claws were protruding from between his knuckles. Next to him was a girl with bushy hair and teeth which stuck out a bit. There was also a small brown woman who looked just as friendly as the big man with claws, and an old man who wore a large hat with a feather on it.

"What are we doin' 'ere?" demanded the old man. "Ye will pay fer kidnappin' the Pirate Lord o' the Caspian Sea, protected by Calypso herself."

"Hardly," said Sauron, emerging from within the cinema. "Calypso is but a mere nuisance. Moreover, she agreed to this, Captain Hector Barbossa."

"What d'you want with us?" demanded the small brown woman.

"Are you working for Voldemort?" asked the girl.

Sauron laughed. "You will see very soon," he said. The Dark Lord turned to his orcs. "Take them within."

"So you're the elf who went crazy in the other cinema," said the large man with claws. He had retracted them and he looked as if he had resigned himself to his fate. "I met your friends."

"More acquaintances than friends," said Legolas. "I do not believe we have been introduced though."

"I'm Logan Howlett, although I'm commonly known as Wolverine." To explain the strange nickname, the man extended his claws again. "Wolverines are nasty little buggers."

"Then perhaps I'm fortunate that I have not met a real one." Legolas looked around the cinema. The screen was still dark. The seats seemed comfortable, and there was lots of junk food. "Who are the others? I know that the old man is Barbossa, because Sauron said his name, but what about the two...ladies?"

"The fierce one's from the Caribbean," said Wolverine. "Her name's Anna-Maria. She can get nastier than a Wolverine. The girl who looks like she should be in class is called Herm-Herm-something."

"It's Hermione Granger," snapped the girl. "And I am supposed to be in Potions class, for your knowledge, Mr. Wolverine." She sat down in one of the chairs. She picked up a booklet lying on the armrest. "Hmm, it says we're going to be reading a romance set during the time of the Crusades. I've always liked studying the Crusades when I was still in muggle school. And then there was that movie by Sir Ridley Scott, which was quite good...wait, this story is based on the movie!" That revelation seemed to brighten her up. "It's a story in which Balian's wife doesn't commit suicide, and then they go to Jerusalem together--"

"Hang on," said Legolas. "If Balian's wife had lived, he wouldn't have gone to Jerusalem at all."

"Well, I don't really know, since I don't know the guy," said Hermione. "She has to fight with Princess Sibylla for Balian's affection, it says."

"Bitch fight," said Logan, rolling his eyes. "That's wonderful."


Fanfiction Production presents...

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN OR HELL?

by Hikara Kokoi

Logan: Considerin' where we are? I would say Hell.

Chapter 1

Legolas: At least there are no stupid disclaimers or author's notes. That's a relief.

This is an AU where Balian’s wife didn’t kill herself.

Logan: I've met Balian, and I assume that neither he nor his wife have been to Australia.

*Hermione looks up the Official Fanfiction Dictionary.*

Hermione: AU, more commonly known as 'Alternative Universe' is a term which describes a story based on a 'what if' scenario.


Sarah cried and cried.

Anna-Maria: Ah, stop snivellin', ya bilge rat.

Logan: That's not very nice.

Anna-Maria: I never said I was nice, did I?


Her baby was dead.

Hermione: That's awful!

Her daughter had died after merely two weeks of life.

Barbossa: That be very sad, but there be more tragic things in life, mark me words.

It had been a week since Lillian, her baby, had died.

Legolas: Yes, can you stop telling us that your baby has died. We are very sorry for your loss.

Logan: I assume this is also Balian's baby, right?

Hermione: It should be, if this is based on Kingdom of Heaven.

Barbossa: If that be the case, then why is the baby called Lillian? That does not sound very French.


Balian no longer held her for as long as she needed.

Anna-Maria: The man does need to work, y'know. Bread won't appear on the table just because he held you when you wanted it.

In fact he hardly ever held her anymore.

Hermione: So she expects him to comfort her, but who's going to comfort him?

She felt as though he blamed her for the death of their child. There was nothing I could do!,

Hermione: Too much punctuation.

she thought

Hermione: Note: Missing comma.

Logan: Can you stop with the grammar lesson? I thought I'd seen the last of those when I quit school!

crying even harder. She felt as though she had lost her husband as well. He hardly spoke a word to her.

Legolas: What do you expect? He's grieving.

He never was around really. He was always in his smithy making things.

Anna-Maria: Well, he's the blacksmith, ain't he?

He didn’t even come to their bed anymore. He slept in the smithy.

*All laugh.*

Barbossa: That would be very uncomfortable. Smithies usually are.

Legolas: And Balian's smithy had no walls. They would have found a frozen blacksmith the next morning if he had done that.


Sarah felt as though she should just kill herself.

Logan: Yeah, go ahead. Then we can get outta here.

After all why should she live?

Hermione: Well, she should live if only to go on a quest to find all those poor missing commas!

Her baby was dead, her husband no longer cared about her, or so it seemed, and she could just see no point in living.

Legolas: Yes, yes, we get it. You want to die. Move on.

But I can’t, She thought, I’d burn in hell if I did. Not that it would be worse than this hell I’m living in now. I can’t go on much longer if Balian keeps acting like this. She calmed herself and walked out of their small house and out to the smithy.

“Balian?” She said timidly.

Balian stopped what he was doing and looked at Sarah. “Yes?” He asked.

Hermione: [as Sarah] Can you help me with my grammar? I just can't seem to do it.

Sarah bite her lip.

*Barbossa stuffs a chocolate fish into Hermione's mouth before she can say anything.*

He sounded so cold and angry!

Legolas: Hang on. Is this the same Balian as the one I know?

*Logan looks at the briefing.*

Logan: Yes, it is.

Legolas: He sounds really different here.

Anna-Maria: [looking through the dictionary] Here, I've found it. 'OOC' or 'Out Of Character' is a condition where a canon character does not act like himself or herself.


Barbossa: Seems like this Balian's afflicted with OOC-titis.

“I just wanted to talk with you for a minute.” She said looking at the warm fire he was standing next to.

Logan: Hey, maybe he's in his forge because the heating in the house broke down.

“Unless it is extremely important my dear it will have to wait.”

Legolas: [as Balian] For the moment, I have to look for all that missing punctuation.

He said coldly.

Barbossa: It appears that Master Logan was right. He really was in his forge because o' the fire.

“Never mind then… After all it’s not as if I am at all important!” She yelled at him angrily and ran back into their house crying.

Hermione: Can't you see he's having a bad time too? He's got OOC-titis, for goodness' sake!

Anna-Maria: Ah, but she can't be no Sue if she don't wangst 'bout things, can she?

Hermione: The grammar...


Balian watched his wife run into their home. “I’m sorry…” He whispered.

He knew he shouldn’t have said that. He just wasn’t happy because he couldn’t stand hearing her cry anymore.

All: Hear! Hear!

Legolas: Wangst is annoying. We got enough of that with Rosa Monroe, Queen of Sues.

Not because it was annoying, though that was a small part of it,

Logan: Ah, make up your mind, Balian. Is it annoying, or is it not?

but because he wanted her to be happy again.

Anna-Maria: On the count of three! One, two, three...

All: AWW!

Legolas: Did anyone bring barf bags, by the way?

Hermione: We've only got one each. The other sporking team took them all.

Barbossa: Ye mean Sparra took them all.

Hermione: Actually, I think Balian took them.


He still mourned for their daughter’s death and was sad but he was forcing himself to move on.

Logan: You have my sympathies, pal, especially since you've got that woman for a wife.

He wanted her to do the same.

Anna-Maria: He's bossy, in other words. How typical of a man.

All he wanted was to see her smile again. Balian looked into the fire. It’s partly my fault she doesn’t smile anymore. Just look at how I was just acting. He put everything down and slowly walked to his house.

When he came in he found Sarah crumpled up on the bed face down. Crying.

Hermione: And I'm about to go into mourning for English grammar.

He closed his eyes for a minute then walked over to her. “Sarah?….I’m sorry.” He said putting his hand on her back.

Sarah sniffled…and stopped crying.

Barbossa: So if he apologized every time she starts cryin' then she'll just stop, right?

Logan: You're a genius, man. That's the perfect solution!


She looked up at Balian. She saw in his eyes that he really was sorry. She gave him a weak smile. It was enough for him. He broke out into a huge smile and hugged her.

Hermione: But his baby just died! How can he smile like that?

Anna-Maria: He has to be drunk.


“I’m so sorry I haven’t been supporting you. I know this is probably hardest on you. I’m sorry. I love you.” He said nuzzling into her.

*Legolas grabs a barf bag.*

Legolas: Just in case.


“Then why do you blame me?” She asked angrily, crying again.

Logan: So is she blamin' him then?

Anna-Maria: If she was normal, she would be blamin' herself.


“What are you talking about?” He asked really not having a clue what she was talking about.

Hermione: You don't have to tell us twice that he doesn't understand. We're not stupid.

“You blame me for Lillian dying! Why else would you ignore me and treat me as you have?” She said clinging into him pressing herself as close as possible to his strong chest.

Anna-Maria: In other words, she misses the sex, but wants to wangst about it and make it sound deep.

“I don’t blame you. She got sick. It was beyond your control. Sweetheart I love you with all my heart and seeing you cry hurt me. That is why I didn’t like being around you. I’m sorry you thought I blamed you.” He said comfortingly rubbing her back.

*Legolas puts his barf bag to good use.*

Sarah sniffled a few times and took a few deep breaths. She looked up into her husbands

All: :blink:

Logan: She has more than one? Balian, you dolt! She's cheating on you! Dump her now!

deep brown eyes.

Barbossa: Did he get his eyes gouged out? That's the only reason there would be deep holes in his face.

Suddenly she felt better. She couldn’t really understand it. Not even a minute ago she was crying her eyes out now she felt like nothing had ever gone wrong. How does he do that?, she wondered.

Hermione: He's a hypnotist.

She smiled at him feeling blissfully lost in his eyes.

Barbossa: Ah, come on. Those holes can't be that big.

What spell is this he has me under?, she asked herself. Balian smiled brightly at her his eyes now sparkling brighter than any star.

Anna-Maria: He must have the memory span of a goldfish. His baby's just died, damn it!

Unfortunately the spell that had been cast seemed to have a time limit.

Legolas: Starting count-down now.

She started feeling hurt again after a matter of minutes. She started to worry again. What if he did blame her? What if he had stopped loving her after Lillian died? What if he was only pretending to love her now? Sarah pushed those thoughts out of her head.

Hermione: Look, if you trust your husband that much then you probably should get a divorce.

If Balian says he loves me then he loves me. He wouldn’t lie to me. She reassured herself.

While she was wondering how Balian felt for her he was questioning whether or not he did.

Legolas: No you don't, Balian. She's a Sue.

He happened to be questioning that when

Hermione: ...he was arrested for abusing the English language.

a certain group of Crusaders came into the village.

Logan: So dear old Dad comes into the scene.

Barbossa: Any bets that Balian's ole Da will love his Sue-in-law?


AN: I hope some people enjoyed this. I have chapter 2 half done so I’ll update soon.

All: [flat tone] Lovely.

Please review! I really appreciate reviews.

Hermione: Oh really? I didn't know that.

(Please no flames though!

Logan: I wish I could borrow Pyro's lighter.

Or at least be kind if you can and if you can‘t then please don‘t review)

Anna-Maria: Flames are remorseless little blighters. They're never nice.

*They all leave and head for the pub to compare notes with the other sporking team.*


Review here
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Telcontar Rulz
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Rising Again
Legolas wished that he had gone straight back to his room after the previous sporking session instead of going with the others to the pub to compare notes. Jack had told him the most horrendous stories about him and Rosa, mostly concerning cloud watching and archery lessons.

At least he had been able to make Balian look utterly confused when the elf had told him about Spork Team B’s project. All in all, the previous night had been a bit a disaster, especially when Fran had been delighted to discover to find that with Hermione’s arrival, she was no longer the youngest, and then had set about proving that age did not equate to maturity.

Once again, the pristine cinema awaited them. “Hey! Rainbow popcorn!” said Logan.

“I want the pink ones!” said Hermione. “Strawberry flavour is my favourite.”

“Barf bags!” cried Anna-Maria. “Oh good!”

Barbossa settled himself in a chair and selected a green apple from a bowl of fruit. “If we didn’t have to read the story, this wouldn’t be too bad.”

As if on cue, the screen lit up.


Chapter 2

Legolas: It’s good to know she can count.

Sorry for not updating sooner!

Barbossa: Ye should be sorry fer updatin’ at all!

Baldwin’s Lady- I sorta liked the pairing…by the end of the movie anyways but just because I figured Balian deserves someone to be happy with. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Hermione: There were two Baldwins during that period, and in the movie, both were lepers, although one was a nine-year-old. This girl wants to get it on with a leper?

Anna-Maria: Oh, get me a barf bag!


Isis-I didn’t update soon sorry. I got writers block on this story for a while. But it’s gone. For now anyways.

All: [flatly] Great.

(Okay

Hermione: Comma missing.

the scene with Godfrey and Balian the first time they meet is right here

Legolas: Where?

but I can’t remember how it goes really so just please imagine it yourself.

Barbossa: How lazy can ye be?! Yer a bloody writer, fer God’s sake! Make it up!

Hermione: What if the person who’s reading this has never seen the movie?

Anna-Maria: Like me!

Legolas: Perhaps I should write it for her, since she's too lazy.

Others: Go ahead.

The sound of metal hitting metal came from the forge. As Godfrey drew closer, he could smell the scent of hot iron. The forge looked no different from when he had come here twenty years ago, seeking the blacksmith's wife.

A young man came out of the forge, wearing a leather apron which was covered with scorch marks. He had dark shadows under his eyes and his complexion seemed almost waxy. He stared at Godfrey, not saying a word.

"You're an armourer, yes?" said Brother John, the Hospitaller. "An artificer, according to your lord and this priest." As he spoke, the Hospitaller gestured to the priest who had led them to the forge. When the man did not answer, John took that to mean a yes. "You have my sympathy and my blessings. Your child is today the subject of my prayers." He paused for a while. "We need these horses shod, we need food, and we'll pay."

The young man looked down at the frozen ground, still silent. Godfrey could see his own shadow on the man. There was no doubt that this was his son.

As the smith worked, Godfrey made his way to the back of the forge, looking down at a small frozen garden. Twenty-six years ago, he had come here with the old blacksmith's wife. It had been so long ago. Solange was dead, and Godfrey himself was no longer as hale as he had been back then. Someone came up to stand beside him, and the baron knew that it was Brother John.

"Do you still advise what you advised upon the road?" asked Godfrey.

"I do, milord," said John. "But know that this man Balian mourns his child."

Godfrey went up to Balian, who was hammering on a horseshoe as if he blamed that piece of metal for all his misfortunes. "I am sorry for your loss," began the older man awkwardly, taking off his cap. "I also have lost." The smith stopped working, but he refused to look at Godfrey. Instead, he went over his work bench, as if he was trying to avoid the old knight. Godfrey followed him.

"Some say that Jerusalem is the place to find forgiveness," he said. "But for myself, I call it here, and now." The smith was completely still. Godfrey bowed his head to his son. He owed Balian so much. He had failed as a father, and he hoped that he could make some amends before the end. "I knew your namesake. I...
knew your mother. To be courteous, I would say it was against her objections, but I was the lord's brother, and she had no choice."

For the first time, Balian looked up at this man. His father. The knight who had abandoned his mother. "I am Godfrey, the baron of Ibelin," continued the old knight. "I have one hundred men-at-arms in Jerusalem. If you come with me, you will have a living...and you will have my thanks, there it is."

Balian shook his head.


Legolas: And that's it. I leave the rest to the author.

Barbossa: At least someone knows, and I won’t be confused.


I’m really sorry I’d write it with the adjustment of Sarah being alive but I just can’t remember it really so we will pick up basically at the end of it.)

Hermione: And while you’re at it, pick up some commas from the local shop!

“I still have a life here…” Balian said looking down at what he had been just working on.

Logan: Which is...?

Legolas: The author probably doesn’t know either.


“Hardly. The village people don’t want you here it’s obvious.

Anna-Maria: [as Godfrey] Ye mess up all their grammar.

They think your wife is a witch.” Godfrey said.

Legolas: Godfrey, that is hardly the way to endear yourself to your illegitimate son.

Hermione: How does he know what the villagers think anyway?

Anna-Maria: Maybe he’s a mind reader like that voodoo lady what’s-her-face.

Barbossa: Tia Dalma, more recently known a Calypso, goddess of the sea.


“What?” Balian yelled at him shocked,

Logan: Balian, you don’t yell at barons, you moron.

Legolas: The real Balian hardly ever speaks, let alone yell.


he hadn’t heard about that.

Barbossa: Why would they be thinkin’ that his wife be a witch?

Anna-Maria: Because the writer is too lazy to think of a better reason to make the man leave.


“That’s what they think. It would probably be safer for her to leave. Safer for the both of you.” Godfrey said.

Legolas: Hardly. The village needs its blacksmith to make all the farming tools and whatnot.

Balian didn’t know what to say.

Logan: [as Balian] What can I say? This man is crazy. There is no logic to what he is saying.

“Well if you do decide to come when after we leave just go until the men speak Italian then continue until they speak something else.” Godfrey said and walked away.

Hermione: ...to find his commas!

(I think that’s what he said.)

All: ILLEGAL AUTHOR’S NOTE!!!

Legolas: And we just abused caps lock and the exclamation marks.

Hermione: For goodness’ sake! Just assume you’re right! You’re a writer; you’re supposed to make up your own lines ANYWAY!


Sarah had been hiding in the shadows the whole time listening to their conversations.

Legolas: [as Gandalf] Confound you, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?

She walked over to Balian. “I’m sorry.” She whispered to him.

Anna-Maria: [as Sarah] I’m sorry fer bein’ a Sue.

Hermione: [as Sarah] I’m sorry for failing grammar.

Legolas: [as Sarah] I’m sorry I didn’t die and leave this story alone.


Balian looked at her. “For what? It’s not your fault the people in this town are idiots.” He said giving her a small smile.

Logan: It’s a village, not a town. Come on, Balian. You should know this; you’ve been living here all your life.

Sarah wrapped her arms around him and he wrapped his arms around her.

Barbossa: Public displays of affection be considered uncouth in the Middle Ages.

“Do you want to go Sarah?” Balian asked her looking into her eyes.

Logan: There might be more commas in the Holy Land.

Legolas: Valar! Even Logan knows there’s something wrong!

Logan: Hey! You don’t want to say hello to my claws, do you?


“I think it would be a better idea than staying here. But if you don’t wish to go then that is fine.” She said nuzzling into his chest.

Barbossa: Look here, girly. You ain’t no cat!

Anna-Maria: Should I get meself another barf bag?


“For your safety I think we should go. Pack up our things I’ll settle things here. Go on.” Balian said letting go of her and going off to tend to a few things.

Hermione: For goodness’ sake! Crusaders were discouraged from taking their wives to the Holy Land!

Logan: The whores went though, and got rich.


Sarah went into the house and packed their few things. She sighed, looking around at the place that had been her home for the last couple of years.

Legolas: Do we get some description?

It hadn’t been much but she had loved it.

Legolas: I guess not.

Though she never would have loved it if Balian hadn’t been there.

Logan: But we do get a soppy incomplete sentence.

“Wherever Balian goes I’ll be happy.” She said to reassure herself that leaving for Jerusalem wouldn’t be so bad.

Hermione: Most people saw Jerusalem as heaven! That’s why the movie’s called Kingdom of Heaven!

Barbossa: Calm down, Miss Granger.

Hermione: I just really like the Crusades. Sorry.


“Maybe I’ll really like it there.” She said folding one of Balian’s shirts and packing it up.

A half an hour later

Anna-Maria: ‘A’ means ‘one’. ‘Half’ does not mean ‘one’. Ye cannot have ‘a half an hour’.

Logan: It’s a numerical oxymoron.


Balian came back and was looking a bit sad. “What’s wrong my love?” Sarah asked him concern clearly in her voice.

Legolas: How about the fact that your baby daughter died a week ago? Or have you forgotten that already, Sarah?

Hermione: All the missing commas are pretty tragic too.


“I just…nothing. It’s all right I guess I’m just

Hermione: [as Balian] “...missing my punctuation.”

nervous about leaving. Let’s get a move on.” He said and they left their home after having one last quick meal.

Logan: Wow. Big Macs date back to the twelfth century?

Anna-Maria: Quick meals are not necessarily fast food.


Balian and Sarah took their one horse and rode quickly after Godfrey and the others. After about 3 hours

Hermione: Type the word out! T-H-R-E-E! They didn’t use Arabic numerals in the twelfth century!

Logan: Unless, of course, you were an Arab.

Legolas: Or just a Muslim in general. Most Muslims by then weren’t Arabs. Balian told me.


of riding

Barbossa: Let me guess; missing comma, right?

they saw them up ahead.

Legolas: For Manwë’s sake, get me some description!

Hermione: She probably thinks it’s rationed, like flour during a war.

Anna-Maria: And like the bloody punctuation, right?

Others: Right.


Godfrey looked back and slowed down waiting for his son to catch up. “I’m glad you decided to come.” He said to Balian when he caught up.

Logan: [as Godfrey] Now I can beat some sense into your head, my boy.

Sarah gave Godfrey a shy smile. “I guess this is your wife.” Godfrey said smiling warmly at her.

Hermione: Who guessed that Godfrey would just love Sarah?

Others: Me.


“Yes she is.” Balian said holding her closer. (She’s sitting in front of him.)

Legolas: Put that into the narrative! Brackets should be made illegal!

“Very lovely. All right let’s get going.” Godfrey said and gave his horse a kick and went off.

Barbossa: ...to find a priest who could annul the marriage.

Balian did the same and followed.

Anna-Maria: I thought this Balian was man, not a sheep.

Legolas: So did I. He didn’t have enough wool the last time I looked.


Sarah laid her head back on her husbands shoulder

Hermione: She has more than one husband, but they all share the same shoulder?

Barbossa: It be like the idea of the Holy Trinity. God be both three persons and one entity.


and fell asleep.

Logan: She’s a lazy bugger, isn’t she?

Balian looked down at her and smiled. She can sleep anywhere, he thought laughing to himself.

Anna-Maria: And his father probably thinks he’s mad to the boot, laughin' for no reason.

They rode on for a few more hours then decided to make camp.

Barbossa: That be a few hours compressed into one short sentence. I be thinkin’ that we need to teach Sparra that trick.

Balian stretched out next to his yawning wife.

Legolas: That gives me the idea that she’s constantly yawning.

Sarah decided to use his chest as a pillow

Logan: [as Balian] Get off me, you bitch!

Hermione: I don’t think Balian would say that.

Legolas: The one I know wouldn’t. This one would.


and fell asleep again before the blanket they’d brought was pulled up over them. Balian smiled at her and closed his eyes and went to sleep his arms wrapped protectively around his wife.

Logan: Pass the barf bags.

Hermione: It’s not coherent enough for me to need a barf bag.

Anna-Maria: Aye. How does he ‘sleep his arms’?

Barbossa: Perhaps he be resting them.


AN: Okay that’s all I got for now.

All: Huzzah!

Reviews make me really wanna write

Legolas: Don’t give her any reviews!

and help me get motivated so please read and review! I hope this was a good chapter if not then you can cyber smack me. :)

Logan: [extending his claws] All right!

Anna-Maria: Let me at ‘er!


Let me know if you liked it please.

All: We didn’t!

Okay I’ll try to work on chapter 3 now.

All: No!

Hermione: Go watch the movie again and drool over the man or whatever, but stop butchering his character!

*They all leave.*


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Rising Again
The prisoners filed into the cinema. Both Hermione and Anna-Maria were too busy looking at a copy of William of Tyre’s writings to pay much attention to the others. “Why are you reading that?” asked Logan, pointing at the book. “Haven’t you had enough of soppy Crusaders yet?”

“Soppy?” said Hermione. “Now, wait a minute! What are you talking about, Mr. Wolverine?”

“Well, judging from that thing that we’re reading now...” said Logan.

“She’s just written it all wrong,” said Anna-Maria. “People talked nice back then.”

“Yes, well,” said Logan. “I only know what I read in that thing. History was sleep class for me, as far as I can remember.”

The screen lit up.

“If I remember correctly,” said Hermione, “there will be a big fight coming up soon, and lots of people are going to die.”

“Oh good,” said Logan. “Fight scenes can’t be boring.”


Isis-I’m glad you liked it

Legolas: And what would you say if we told you that we didn’t like it?

and don’t worry it’s all Balian/Sarah.

Anna-Maria: That’s what I’m worried about.

I hope you keep liking this and reviewing. :)

Ch 3

Barbossa: Be that ‘church number three’?

Logan: It could be ‘size three chow mein’.

Hermione: It’s ‘chapter three’.

Logan: How lazy can you get?


“Get up.” Godfrey said dropping a sword next to Balian.

Barbossa: I be thinkin’ it would be better if he dropped the sword on the poor man and ended his misery.

Balian woke up and looked at the sword then Godfrey. “Do you know how to use one of those?” Godfrey asked indicating the sword.

Legolas: One of those?

Anna-Maria: [as Balian] I do know what a sword is, ya bilge rat. I make ‘em!

Balian shook his head

Hermione: But Godfrey said he fought well in the movie!

Legolas: Not to mention Balian had already gone to war once, although I suppose we’ll have to forgive the writer since it was only mentioned in the Director’s Cut.


and picked it up and stood up which made Sarah wake up.

Logan: Did she just use the word ‘up’ three times in that sentence?

Others: Yes.


“Hmm..mhm.” She said

Barbossa: There be a difference between speakin’ and makin’ incomprehensible noises. Sparra does both too much, and Jack the Monkey does the latter.

drowsily looking up at Balian.

“Sorry sweetheart.” Balian said, he’d dragged the blanket off of her by accident.

Hermione: And the author wrote a run-on sentence, by accident, of course.

He put it back on her and gave her a kiss. “She should learn how to fight too.

Legolas: Who’s saying that? Women in Balian’s world are definitely not encouraged to fight!

Logan: And for a good reason. There would be a few sore husbands out there if their wives found out about their extra-marital affairs.


There are some…less than respectable people in Jerusalem.

Hermione: That is why she has her husband.

Odo give the woman a dagger and teach her some basics.”

Anna-Maria: Basics? Someone should teach her ta knee a man in the groin.

Godfrey said to the burly German. (I believe that was his name I looked cast and such up and I think it’s right. If it’s wrong feel free to tell me)

All: ILLEGAL AUTHOR’S NOTE!!!

Sarah got up slowly and walked towards Odo.

Hermione: Why would she even do that? Any normal woman would just stare at him in fear; he’s big, burly, and violent-looking.

Logan: Don’t be so critical, Hermione. Maybe she likes them rough.


“Here.” He said handing her a dagger.

“All right now have you ever used a dagger before?” Odo asked her.

Hermione: All the wrong punctuation is starting to make me mad enough to use a dagger on the author.

“My father taught me how to properly stab someone and conceal one.”

Legolas: How would her father know anything about daggers? Commoners don’t own daggers.

Anna-Maria: She’s a Sue, and that’s all I need ta say.


Sarah said looking at the light dagger.

“Good! That will make this much easier.” Odo said smiling warmly at her.

Hermione: I don’t believe this. Even Odo likes her!

So Balian was taught how to use a sword and Sarah was taught how to effectively kill someone with a dagger. After a half an hour

Logan: Pshaw! They haven’t even gotten started!

Barbossa: And there be the numerical moron.

Hermione: OXYmoron.

Logan: Where's the fight scene?

Others: Missing.


they decided to have breakfast and get a move on. Sarah clung to Balian when she got up on the horse. He now had her on the back

Anna-Maria: She can hardly ride on the horse’s belly.

and she didn’t want to be. “Balian are you sure-” She was cut off by Balian who let out a loud and annoyed sigh.

Legolas: He’s acting like a spoilt fourteen-year-old.

Logan: Maybe it’s a good thing they don’t have any kids yet.


“For the last time Sarah

Hermione: [as Balian] “...I’m too busy looking for my commas to deal with you!”

it was difficult to ride the horse and be in control with you in front of me. So my dear you will be behind me.” He said not even trying to hide his annoyance.

Barbossa: I take it that missin’ punctuation does that to a man.

“Fine but when I fall of and break my neck…”

All: Please do.

She grumbled getting a better grip on him.

Anna-Maria: She’s a bit possessive, ain’t she?

Balian rolled his eyes and gave the horse a kick. Sarah looked at him and felt like crying.

Logan: As if that isn’t what she’s been doing for the last two chapters.

That last complaint had actually been a joke.

All: It had?

He used to always know when I was joking… She thought sadly yet again worrying about their marriage.

Hermione: If grammar had anything to do with the success of marriages, then I would be very worried indeed.

“I love you.” She said nuzzling him.

Legolas: I’m surprised no one asked them to get a room.

Balian smiled gently. “I love you too.” He said grabbing one of her hands and giving it a squeeze.

Logan: Hey, man, concentrate on ridin’ the horse. You can ride your woman later.

Hermione: Wolverine!

Logan: You know, you can call me Logan.


Sarah smiled contently. Whatever Balian says he means., she thought happily, Balian never lies.

Barbossa: I wish he was lyin' on this occasion.

She let herself relax a little, after all Balian wouldn’t let her fall off.

Anna-Maria: Run-on sentence an’ missin’ comma.

Hermione: You’re getting pretty good at this.

Anna-Maria: Me ma always thought it was a good idea to learn to talk like them proper folks, and I wish I’d listened to her.


(Okay I’m skipping

All: Again?

to when they were at the place where Balian got on the boat and went to Jerusalem.

Hermione: And she also skips some very important plot points!

Legolas: Actually, she’s totally forgotten about Balian killing the priest, so no one is going to come and arrest him for it.

Hermione: Balian only killed the priest because the priest told him that his wife was in Hell, and since she’s here, there’s no motive. And if he didn’t kill the priest, why would someone arrest him?

Logan: Pity. Killing bad priests and resisting arrest sounds a lot more fun.

Hermione: And they’re major plot points.

Barbossa: How convenient.

Hermione: Or not. I don’t know how she’s going explain why half the cast disappears, including Godfrey.

Logan: How?

Legolas: They all died, of course.


Sorry for that sounding really vague and stupid but I just can’t remember anything.

Hermione: Can’t you just make it up? By letting that woman live, you’ve made the entire plot obsolete anyway!

Anyways on with the story.)

Sarah looked around in wonder at all of the things around her.

Barbossa: I don’t suppose we get to hear about all these wondrous things.

Balian and her

Logan: Bad wording. I would say ‘she and Balian’ or ‘she was walking with Balian’.

Legolas: I think we’ve all established that the author has a very bad grasp of the English language.


were walking through the marketplace. She noticed Balian looking at a woman who was selling seashell necklaces and noticed his eyes weren’t on the necklaces.

Anna-Maria: Men always look at other women. If I had ta make Jack keep him eyes on me—

Legolas: Anna, is there something going on between you and Jack?

Anna-Maria: What are you talkin’ about? I’m just tryin’ ta keep that rum-soaked pirate outta trouble, is all. Every woman in Tortuga slaps ‘im.


I had better be wrong about where exactly I think his eyes are.,

Logan: In his eye sockets?

she thought giving Balian a glare,

Hermione: She thought about glaring at him? How pathetic is that?

Or I’ll use some of those moves Odo taught me.

Legolas: And she would be totally ineffectual. Trust me; Balian is good at beating people into pulp.

Barbossa: But he be a gentleman, yes? And she be his wife.

Legolas: That’s the problem.


Balian dragged her over to the woman selling necklaces.

Logan: You’re taking your wife with you when you want to flirt with another woman? Smart move, man.

He started looking through the necklaces

Hermione: Legolas, did he strike you as the sort who likes jewellery?

Legolas: He doesn’t even like fancy clothes.

Hermione: Then he should be smart enough to know that this won’t fool his wife.


Logan: All Suethors make men look stupid.

but his eyes were hardly on them.

The woman selling the necklaces was certainly noticing how he was looking at her and gave him a big smile. Oh great she even have perfectly straight teeth and they aren’t all that yellow either. Where does my bad luck end! Sarah screamed internally.

Barbossa: She probably also has better grammar than you.

She had slightly crooked teeth and they weren’t all that white although they were much better than most peoples.

Legolas: Red alert! This is where the Suethor tries to tell us that her character is not a Sue.

“Balian sweetheart this necklace would look very nice on you, don’t you agree my sweet husband?”

Anna-Maria: With all that sickly sappiness, I’m surprised he hasn’t left her already.

Hermione: Medieval men don’t wear necklaces.


Sarah said pointedly giving the woman a glare that would kill a thousand people if glares could kill.

Logan: Look, I’m good at glaring, but I can’t glare at a thousand people at once. Usually, your glare only affects the person you’re glaring at.

“Oh it’s all right.” Balian said looking at the necklace.

He smiled at the woman. “How much is that necklace and this one? I only have sou and deniers.”

Barbossa: She should be happy. If he be buyin’ necklaces, they would be for her.

(I don’t know if they would’ve accepted all types of money there really but in this they do.)

Hermione: I have one word for you, Miss Kokoi; RESEARCH.

He asked pointing at the one Sarah was holding and lifting up a beautiful necklace of white seashells.

Logan: Hey, they’re in Hawaii! Balian, go get yourself a belly dancer girl, pal!

Legolas: Belly dancer girls tend to be Middle Eastern.

Logan: Hey, you think there are anymore expeditions to recover Jerusalem? I wouldn’t mind getting myself a belly dancer girl.

Hermione: Gentlemen, can you please stay on task?


“They are….eight deniers each then.” She said giving Balian another big smile and started playing with one of her curls.

Anna-Maria: In other words, every other woman falls for the man when they see him.

Legolas: Balian is handsome, but he isn’t that handsome.

Logan: Jealous, are we?


Balian smiled back at her which made Sarah want to cut his lips off.

Barbossa: Mate, the missus be gettin’ violent.

Hermione: I don’t feel her anger, but I am feeling disgusted.

Anna-Maria: I’m gettin’ the idea that the man is about fourteen years old.

Legolas: He was twenty-five back then, at the youngest.


Sarah pulled out a sou and 4 denier, handed to the woman and dragged Balian away from the stall. “Hey!” Balian protested looking back at the woman.

Logan: Look here, pal. If your wife finds out you have thoughts about extramarital affairs, you don’t complain.

“What is wrong with you?” He asked her glaring at her.

Anna-Maria: Do we start listin’ everythin'?

She pulled him into an alleyway and let him have it. “YOU ARE A WORTHLESS BASTARD!

Barbossa: This be where you find a priest and annul the marriage.

Logan: And what about dear old Dad? Where did he go? Doesn’t he care that his boy is bein’ yelled at by some bitch?

Hermione: He’s supposed to be at death’s door at this point in time.

Anna-Maria: Why?

Legolas: He got shot while trying to save Balian, but that got taken out of this version of the story.


HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN LIKE THAT?

Logan: You know, he has every right to look, as long as it’s only looking.

YOU WERE LOOKING AT HER AS IF SHE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN!

Barbossa: And I was hopin’ that Necklace Woman would be able to bring the man back to sanity.

I bet I know EXACTLY what you were thinking about to!

Legolas: He was about to what?

Hermione: Missing ‘o’.


I should poke your damned eyes out!”

Anna-Maria: Geez, lady! He ain’t done anythin’ yet!

Hermione: Someone go report her for domestic violence.


She yelled ignoring the people walking by who stared at them for a minute.

Logan: Did she start the stopwatch?

Balian just stared at her completely shocked.

Legolas: [as Balian] What exactly did I marry?

Sarah had hardly ever raised her voice at him before, let alone curse at him and basically threaten him.

Barbossa: I don’t know about that. She seems to be doing that quite a lot.

But I’ll be damned if she doesn’t look unbelievably sexy when she’s mad.

All: You’re damned.

He thought smiling.

Legolas: People don’t think about smiling. They just do it.

Hermione: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the reason why you should never forget your commas.

“What the HELL are you smiling about?” She yelled again.

Barbossa: She be cursin’ like a fishwife.

“You. You’re gorgeous when you’re mad. I should get you like this more often.” He said smiling more.

Logan: I like it better when my girls don’t threaten to cut me into pieces.

Hermione: But it doesn’t matter for you; you can just heal.

Logan: Yeah, well, it still bloody hurts.


“You! YOU! YOU ARE….ARE A PURE…ANNOYANCE!” She yelled in frustration.

Logan: I think we should get her a speech and language pathologist.

Hermione: And an anger counsellor.


“Oh good lord…You are so sexy right now.

Anna-Maria: What did he just say?

Hermione: Merlin’s beard! Did he just say ‘sexy’?

Legolas: What does it mean?

Logan: Never mind. I take it the word’s not in medieval vocabulary.


Let’s get back to our room. NOW.”

Barbossa: He seems to be thinkin’ with his loins more than with his brain.

He said grabbing her wrist and dragging her with him.

Legolas: And he’s quite abusive too. Dragging isn’t exactly a nice thing to do to one’s wife.

What is wrong with YOU? Sarah wondered as she was being dragged by her husband.

Hermione: Let’s see; you swear, you yell, you’re a Mary Sue, you threaten to cut your husband up into pieces, you act like a twelve-year-old, you make him act fourteen when he’s twenty five at the very least—

Barbossa: That be enough, Miss Granger. We know.


AN: Ahhhh yes Balian likes ‘em mad apparently.

Anna-Maria: You mean you want him to like them mad because you’re insane.

What IS wrong with him though:)

All: Everything.

Strange boy.

Hermione: He’s a man.

Of course he looks hot mad too but anyways.

Legolas: I think she’s talking about that actor.

Hermione: I have nothing against Orlando Bloom, but some of his fangirls are insufferable.

Legolas: I know. Look at Fran.


;) Okay I hope that was good

All: It wasn’t.

and THANK YOU for reviewing

Logan: Can we flame her?

Announcement on screen: A firewall has been installed to prevent sporkers from flaming.

All: Dammit!

Hermione: What’s this, the Great Firewall of Sporkeropolis?

Logan: Can we ask Amnesty International to sue Sauron?

Legolas: MST International? I think we’re it.

Logan: Amnesty, not MST.


The door of the cinema opened, and an orc peeked in. “Do you want to come out now?" he asked. "If you don’t, we can always get the Master to give you another chapter.”

Before the orc could even utter another sound, the sporkers were on their feet and charging out of the cinema.

“Can’t be that bad, can it?” the orc muttered, rubbing his foot where the big man with claws had stepped on it. It didn’t really matter to him, as he couldn’t read. Shaking his head, he gave up trying to understand the prisoners and went back to join his contingent. Hopefully, there would be some Sue thigh for supper.


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Rising Again
Logan was grinning to himself. Telling Balian about his alter-ego had almost been worth the pain of reading this story. The look on the knight’s face had been priceless. “That was good,” said Legolas. “I don’t think I’ve seen him that surprised before.”

“Or that disgusted,” said Logan. “And I sporked
MiddleEarth’s Last Hope with him.”

“Only a chapter,” said Legolas. “Now we just have to find a Faramir-Sue and a Jack Sparrow-Sue and the trick will be complete.”

“Are ye sayin’ you want to be readin’ more Sues?” said Barbossa. The other two immediately fell silent, for they could not think of a worse fate.

“At least there aren’t stories which turn you into a Sue,” grumbled Hermione. “Someone made me sleep with Professor Snape once. That was disgusting!”

The prisoners claimed their seats and squabbled over the junk food. Logan managed to get the most, just because he was bigger than everyone else. As he opened a can of beer, the screen lit up.


Telmerethiel- I’m glad you like it and thank you for reviewing.

Logan: You must have really bad taste, Telmerethiel.

I didn’t really like that he forgot about his wife so quickly

Legolas: Hey, it took him a while!

Hermione: The movie couldn’t drag on for a year, you know!


either but then again I suppose a bit more time may have passed in the movie but even if it did it couldn’t have been too much. But oh well.

Barbossa: That made as much sense as Jack Sparra.

Anna-Maria: Can ye stop insultin’ him?

Barbossa: Getting protective, aren’t we, lass?


Fanny- Interesting name!

Anna-Maria: Robert’s yer uncle, Fanny’s yer aunt.

I like it. Thank you very much it’s nice to hear people say nice things about what I write and such.

Legolas: [as author] But if people tell me my stuff sucks, then I’ll bawl them out! Boo hoo!

Chapter 4

Balian sighed as he looked up at his ceiling.

Logan: Nice, he has his own personal ceiling.

He was tired but he couldn’t sleep.

Barbossa: Smoke opium; that helps.

Hermione: Opium is illegal.

Barbossa: I have ne’er been one for carin’ about the legality of things, Miss Granger. Ye should know that by now.


His thoughts wouldn’t let him.

Legolas: [as Balian’s thoughts] Hey, Balian! Wake up! Don’t go to sleep!

Why was I so interested in that woman? I’m a married man I shouldn’t be acting like that! What WAS wrong with me?

Anna-Maria: Ye want answers, mate? You’ve got OOC-titis.

He thought on that for a while. I need to take a walk.

Logan: All right. Next time I can’t think, I’m going for a walk.

Hermione: You’re going to end up very fit, Logan.

Logan: Are you sayin’ I’m not fit now?


He decided and went to walk.

Barbossa: Yes, we already know that one. Anythin’ else?

Sarah woke up minutes after he had left. She for some reason always woke up when he left the bed.

Hermione: Someone’s a bit clingy.

She looked over to the side of the bed Balian had been on and saw it was empty. She then suddenly felt very lonely and hollow. Why do I feel like that whenever he isn’t around anymore?

Logan: He was just there; you missed him.

Sarah laid back down and closed her eyes trying in vain to fall back asleep. So Sarah just looked around the room. It was a decent room. There weren’t many nice little things in it but it was nice.

Anna-Maria: Is this goin’ ta be important? I really don’t want ta know ‘bout how she feels about her room.

She sighed. Why did Balian act like that?

All: Because he is out of character!

Why?

Legolas: We don’t know. Blame the author.

He is so…frustrating sometimes.

Hermione: I’m not surprised; he’s out of character.

She laid

Logan: Maybe this is why their baby died. Sarah’s actually a chicken, and chickens can’t breed with men.

back down and rolled around for a few minutes then fell asleep.

Anna-Maria: Didn’t the author just say that she tried in vain to fall asleep?

Legolas: The author, if you must call her that, does not know the meaning of ‘in vain’.


Balian during that time had been walking around. (obviously)

Logan: He was going for a walk, so obviously, he was walking, not crawling.

Barbossa: And since it be so obvious, there be obviously no need to put the word ‘obvious’ in there.

Hermione: Stop it!


He leaned against a wall and looked down at the ground, thinking of earlier. He couldn’t understand why he had been like that.

Anna-Maria: I can; any woman would be more attractive than that irritation he calls a wife.

Legolas: Please note that Balian is an honourable man. If he married Sarah, then he would stick with her, no matter what.

He’d found the woman extremely attractive and yet now as he thought back to her he really didn’t think she was more than decent looking.

Logan: One moment, she’s the hottest thing on the planet, and then she’s just okay? What is he, a schizophrenic?

So Balian thought about all the things that had been making him angry with Sarah, all the things that had made him want to leave her.

Barbossa: Such as run-on sentences.

Lillian’s death, her depression, and well all the little things that had always slightly grated on his nerves.

Hermione: Look, if he really loved her enough to marry her then he wouldn’t care about all those things!

Thinking about his dear little daughter made him get teary eyed. She had been such a beautiful baby.

Legolas: Look! He’s finally remembered his baby!

He smiled slightly at the thought of her when she had just been cleaned up and he’d first held her. She’d had his eyes and her mother’s golden hair. She’d only had a few bits of hair then but they were had been beautiful.

Logan: You just couldn’t help yourself, could you, Hermione?

She had been so beautiful.

Barbossa: Aye, we get yer point. She be beautiful like me ship. I don’t go on an’ on ‘bout me ship!

A tear fell from Balian’s right eye. “No,” He said to himself, “I can’t cry…crying won’t do anything.”

“Crying can help you get over things. Believe it or not.” A woman said.

Anna-Maria: Right. Next time Jack Sparra steals me boat, I’ll just cry an’ everythin’ will be fine.

Balian looked over in the woman’s direction. That voice was familiar. It was the woman who sold those necklaces. “We never were introduced. My name is Maria.”

Hermione: I guess that is a reference to Maria Comnena, who was wife to the historical Balian.

Legolas: Balian has a lot of alter egos.

Logan: So is this the author trying to tell us that she does know history?


She said walking over to Balian with a small and friendly smile on her lips.

“My name is Balian.” Balian said.

Anna-Maria: Sure, go ahead an’ introduce yerself to strange women. That’ll fix all yer problems.

“That is a very nice name. If you don’t mind my asking, why are there tears in your eyes?” Maria asked.

Logan: [as Balian] Yes, I do mind you asking. Now, are you interested in a one night—

Hermione: Logan!


Balian told her everything.

Legolas: Why would he? He’s a closed-mouth and private man.

He told her about his daughter, Sarah, his supposed father etc. etc.

Hermione: In other words, the author either didn’t know what was actually bothering Balian or she couldn’t be bothered listing them all.

everything that was stressing him and making everything more and more horrible.

Barbossa: Like his Suish wife and his OOC-titis.

“I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Things will get better, they will even out. I’m sure you will have many children soon. Things get better.” Maria said comfortingly running her fingers through Balian’s hair.

Logan: Sex scene!

Hermione: Considering that this is a Sue story, I doubt that the porn will be any good.

Logan: Dammit.


“I should get back to my room. Thank you…I needed someone to talk to.”

Anna-Maria: Aye, talkin’ to strange women is the best solution, ain’t it?

Balian said and walked off slowly.

“You should talk with your wife about everything you just talked to me about. She deserves to know why you’ve been how you’ve been.” Maria said as he walked away.

Hermione: I can imagine this conversation. “Honey, I hate your guts because you’re depressed all the time, the baby died and everything else. Oh yeah, I thought I’d tell you because Necklace Woman Maria said I should.”

Balian nodded and continued on. He didn’t know what to do really. He knew Maria was right but he just didn’t really want to talk to Sarah about these things. Mainly because well…it might make her feel worse.

Logan: If it will drive her to get the hell out of here, then that’s fine with me.

She might blame herself for how he is dealing with things.

Barbossa: She has lots to blame herself for.

He closed his eyes and stopped outside of their door.

Legolas: I thought he would have walked into it.

He’d almost lost her when Lillian died. He was so worried she would kill herself.

Anna-Maria: Right now, she seems more keen on wangsting.

He didn’t want her back in that stage. He walked into the room to find Sarah sleeping but seeming to have a nightmare. She was thrashing around a bit and moaning. “Balian…” He heard her call out as he got into bed.

Logan: She was thrashing around and he just got into bed? What sort of man is he?!

Hermione: Calm down. He’s OOC.


“Balian! Balian run! No…NO! Balian why don’t you listen? BALIAN!” She screamed and then woke up sitting up straight.

Barbossa: This be so clichéd.

She started gasping for breath.

Logan: Someone give her an inhaler.

She couldn’t remember her dream now but she knew it had been bad. She knew something had happened to Balian in it.

Anna-Maria: Ye were shoutin’ his name. O’ course it had somethin’ ta do with the man!

“Are you all right Sarah?” She heard a very concerned Balian ask.

Legolas: One moment he’s drawn to this Maria woman, and the next, he’s very concerned about his wife.

Hermione: He’s quite a player.


“Yes…” She said hesitantly.

“Are you sure?” He asked and wrapped his arms around her.

Barbossa: And strangled her.

“Yes. It was only a bad dream. I can’t remember it now… I love you.”

Hermione: You don’t remember your nightmare, and so, to fill in the space, you spurt out a random ‘I love you’. Nice one, Miss Kokoi. I’ll give you a T for realistic dialogue.

Logan: T for terrific?

Legolas: Terrifying?

Hermione: T for troll.


She said cuddling up to him.

Barbossa: Bag.

He smiled and rubbed her back gently.

Logan: Massage.

Anna-Maria: You do know that no one’s gonna give it to ya, right?

Logan: I was just trying my luck. Every time I say bag, I get one, so by logic, every time I say massage—

Legolas: Let’s leave that topic alone.


“I love you too…” He said resting his head on top of hers.

Barbossa: Tamberlane liked to stack the heads of his enemies into pyramids.

Sarah fell asleep in Balian’s arms. She could always do that with him. She just felt so safe and warm she couldn’t help being sleepy. Balian laid

All: Ew!

Logan: I didn’t know they had sex changes back in the twelfth century.

Legolas: Bag!


back on the pillows careful not to wake Sarah and went to bed to the sound of her light snoring.

Anna-Maria: [as Balian] Can someone shut her up? It’s annoyin’ the hell outta me, an’ I can’t sleep.

AN: Okay that’s all I have for right now.

Legolas: Thank the Valar it’s over!

The next chapter will be about the ship ride to Jerusalem.

Barbossa: Let me see...she drowns, he lives, and everythin’ ends well.

Hermione: What was the point of that chapter?

Legolas: To show Balian’s sensitive side, perhaps?

Logan: He was flirting with another woman. I don’t call that sensitive; I call it opportunistic.


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Rising Again
Barbossa sat down in his seat and pulled out a green apple. The others were just coming in. “Why are you here so early, Captain?” asked Hermione. Barbossa grinned. He liked that girl, mostly because she called him Captain.

“This be the chapter when we read about the sea,” he said. “I be makin’ myself comfortable.”

“You are probably going to be dumbstruck by Miss Kokoi’s brilliant writing,” said Logan. “I think we should drag Balian along sometime in the near future.”

“That certainly will be very interesting,” said Legolas. “Hmm, chocolate. I’m still not sure if I like it or not. It’s a bit too rich and heavy.”

“But it’s chocolate!” said Hermione.

“I prefer it when it’s liquid and not sweet,” said Anna-Maria. “Ye brew it like coffee. That’s the way ta properly enjoy it.”

Logan snorted and broke off a piece of chocolate from the jumbo bar. “Each to their own,” he said. “I like this sweet stuff just fine.”

The screen lit up.

“Anyone brought the barf bags?” asked Anna-Maria.


AN: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Hermione: Is she falling off a cliff?

Logan: I think she’s bungee-jumping.


I am so happy to have so many reviews

Barbossa: Damn those reviews! They be encouragin’ her!

and to have my writers block gone again!

All: Dammit!

Isis: Ahh my loyal reviewer ;) Sorry I didn’t update sooner. I’ll try to be quicker with updates.

Logan: And the great Wolverine says that he doesn’t care if you don’t update at all.

SpeedDemon315: Yay! I get so happy when people like these stories I write. :)

Anna-Maria: What about when people don’t like them?

Alatarial Elf-I didn’t really think they were a good match either

Legolas: Believe me, Sarah and Balian are a horrible match.

Hermione: I think she means Balian and Sibylla.

Legolas: But those two need each other!


…but I guess they (storywriters and such) had to have a danged romance with a queen/princess and a low born person.

Hermione: That’s not the point of it! Balian was Sibylla’s salvation and Sibylla showed Balian a better world than the one he knew!

Bleh why can’t they leave out romance?

Logan: Why can’t you leave out your sappy little romance then, eh?

Though with romance stuff we do get to see Orli shirtless

Anna-Maria: Yer lustin’ after him, ain’t ya?

so I can’t complain to

All: Learn to spell!

much…:)

Hermione: Believe me, we are not smiling.

Thanks all for reading and reviewing.

Chapter 5 (dun dun duuuuuuuuuunnnnnn)

Logan: She just gave herself a fanfare?!

Godfrey was unable to come with them because

Legolas: He was dead.

he had been wounded when showing Balian a few things with a sword.

Hermione: What? Godfrey didn’t get given his fief for bumbling around, you know! He was important because he was a good fighter!

He would be following them in a week or so.

Anna-Maria: And it seems that after this, he ain’t mentioned no more.

Balian and Sarah had been on the ship for merely an hour and neither were liking it much.

Barbossa: How can anyone not like the sea?!

Anna-Maria: ‘Tis sacrilege, this!

Legolas: They just need to find their sea-legs.


Sarah had nearly vomited twice

Logan: Disgusting.

and Balian had vomited once already

Hermione: He was sick before his wife was? He’s pathetic!

Legolas: His wife’s a Sue. She just has to be better than everyone else.


and at the current moment was about to again. “I told you not to eat that and I told you not to move around.

Anna-Maria: [in falsetto] I told ye not to do this an’ I told ye not to do that.

Logan: What is she, his mother?


When we move around on the ship we seem to get sick

Legolas: Staying below deck would make things worse, and I doubt Balian would be stupid enough to move around when he hasn’t got his sea-legs.

Barbossa: I wouldn’t put it beyond this version of Balian.


so we should stay still I said but do you listen? NO! You never listen.” Sarah scolded Balian.

Logan: With all the nagging that she does, I’m not surprised.

Balian glared at her. “Be quiet.”

Hermione: You tell her, Balian!

He said grouchily staring at the slightly choppy water.

Legolas: More weird sentences. I swear, Phantom’s Ange has a better grasp of grammar than this girl.

“All right.“ Sarah said rubbing Balian’s back.

Logan: I know that this is sickening, but I wouldn’t mind getting a back rub myself.

Hermione: Good luck trying to find someone who’s stupid enough to give you one.


“But you know I’m right…” She said teasingly,

All: We don’t!

earning herself another glare.

“Awww you’re so cute when you’re mad.” She said giggling.

Hermione: What is she? Twelve?!

Logan: Balian, you paedophile!

Legolas: Actually, I think it’s all right. He’s about fourteen in this thing.


“Go away.” Balian whined.

Legolas: Actually, he’s not fourteen; he’s a little mongrel pup in this.

Hermione: Don’t let him hear you say it. You know he can be violent if he wants to be.

Legolas: As if I can’t deal with him.


“Okay sweetheart.

Hermione: Cut the American slang, will you?

Logan: Did they say things like sweetheart back then?

Barbossa: I be doubtin’ it.


Love you.” She said walking back below deck.

“Thank God she’s gone…” Balian said looking up at the sky.

Legolas: Thank the Valar!

Anna-Maria: Is she gone for good?

Logan: Doubt it.


Clouds were had formed

Logan: What the...what grammatical structure is this?

Hermione: It’s not a grammatical structure. I don’t know what it is, but it’s not grammatical in any way.


and they were pretty dark.

Anna-Maria: Oooh, look! Clouds! And they are a pretty black colour!

Hermione: Cut it out!


He watched as it got windier and the water choppier. He puked

Logan: He does that a lot.

Barbossa: That be because his wife be disgusting.


and then went back below deck. “I officially hate traveling on ships.” Balian mumbled in Sarah’s ear as soon as he found her.

Legolas: [as Sarah] Rinse your mouth out, Balian. You reek of gastric acid.

“You’re not the only one.” She said chuckling.

Logan: I wouldn’t be too sure of that. She seems rather cheerful.

Hermione: She’s ruined one of the most beautiful stories just to get her hands on the ‘hawt guy’. Of course she’s cheerful.


They both laid down

Anna-Maria: Look here, missy. Chickens lay eggs, not feathers.

and tried to sleep since it was almost nightfall. Unfortunately sleep wouldn’t come.

Logan: [as sleep] Nope. I’m not coming tonight. You two are being to sappy for my liking.

The ship was rocking to much.

Barbossa: The ship be rockin’ to where?

Balian and Sarah clung to their things and each other. “I love you.” Sarah whispered into Balian’s ear.

Hermione: Barf bag please.

Balian held her closer and nuzzled into her hair.

Legolas: Someone hand me a bag.

“I love you too.

Logan: Someone’s controlling his mind with Cerebro or something. Is Chuck playing around again?

I never have stopped loving you and I never will.”

Logan: I wanna puke.

Anna-Maria: You ain’t on a ship. Bag please.

He said into her ear smiling when she smiled at what he said.

Barbossa: Bag!

After a few more hours of the ship rocking hard and waves beating it senseless

Anna-Maria: Was the ship a conscious being?

there was a loud breaking sound heard.

Barbossa: What does that sound like?

Hermione: Crash!

Legolas: Clang!

Anna-Maria: Bang!

Logan: Ka-ching!

Others: :blink:

Logan: What? That was the sound a cash register being broken into.


It sounded as though the ship was being ripped apart and it was.

Barbossa: That be as helpful as sayin’ that Jack Sparra be talkin’ nonsense when he actually be talkin’ nonsense.

Hermione: It’s called pointing out the obvious. Suethors are good at that.


Balian held on to Sarah as tightly as he could but when they were thrown into the wild sea he soon lost his grip. “Balian!’ He heard her scream and a flash of lightning revealed the sight of Sarah

Anna-Maria: Put it away!

reaching out trying to grab him.

Anna-Maria: Sorry, mates. My mistake.

Balian grabbed her hand but she soon slipped from his grip again. After about an hour of trying to find her and staying afloat Balian gave up and passed out.

Hermione: Ah yes. When I give up, I just pass out; simple as that.

When he woke up he was surrounded by the remnants of the ship and was on land. He groaned and looked around hoping to see Sarah.

Logan: What the author means is that he wanted to see her corpse. If he saw her, then he would know that he was truly free.

Hermione: That’s a bit far-fetched.

Logan: A man can dream, can’t he?


He looked all over the beach he had washed up on but saw no trace of her. When he finally realized that she wasn’t there he broke down.

Legolas: Sputter sputter.

Anna-Maria: Are you all right?

Legolas: Sure. I was just pretending to be a broken down engine.


“Sarah!” He cried out and let his tears wash over him.

Hermione: Finally he takes a bath!

After at least an hour of crying

Barbossa: Get a grip on yerself, ya milksop.

he started walking, though he didn’t stop thinking about her and scolding himself for not holding on well enough. If I could hold on to my sword well enough why not her? WHY!

Legolas: It’s your subconscious telling you something. Your sword is more important, believe me. It’s canonical.

He continued to cry softly

Hermione: How can anyone cry for so long, let alone a brave man?

Anna-Maria: Is excessive cryin’ a symptom of OOC-titis?


as he walked he hadn’t gotten far when he noticed a horse that had been on the ship.

Legolas: Or it could have been any other horse.

He slowly walked over to it. “Hey…shh…” He said soothingly and walked right up next to it.
The horse, of course, ran away from him. “DAMNIT!” Balian yelled,

Hermione: Is this author writing Logan and not Balian?

Logan: Hey! I’m not that stupid!


this most certainly was not his flipping day.

Hermione: He’s already flipped.

So he continued to walk watching carefully for the horse.

Barbossa: What be the chance of him meetin’ with his equine friend again?

Anna-Maria: Zilch.


When he caught sight of it again he actually got it to not run away.

Hermione: Translation: He saw the horse drinking at an oasis and while it was distracted, he caught it.

“Good horse.” He said rubbing it’s neck.

Logan: Heh, he only got a horse’s neck.

Then he heard someone talking in Arabic.

Legolas: How did he know it wasn’t gibberish or German or Norman or...

Others: We get your point.


He looked over to the direction he’d heard the voice. There were to Arab looking men on horses.

Hermione: And also a sentence that doesn’t make sense.

“He says that is his horse.” The one all in black said.

“Oh really,” Balian said, “What’s his proof?”, he asked.

More Arabic. “He says it’s his horse because it is on his land.” The one in black said.

Barbossa: That be makin’ perfect sense to me.
Balian sighed. Just fucking splendid.

Legolas: She’s definitely writing about Logan.

Logan: If you say that again, you’ll be saying hello to my claws, got it?


Damned horse. More trouble than you’re worth.

Hermione: That ‘damned horse’ was his only chance of survival. He needed it to get to water sources and civilization.

(Okay and now is the whole scene with Balian fighting that guy. I’m really sorry but I can’t remember how it went or anything.

All: Make it up! You’re the author!

Uhm and when I pick up is after the fight and after Balian is being taken to Jerusalem with that other guy. Sorry I can’t remember his name.)

Hermione: That ‘other guy’ is called Imad, and he’s one of Balian’s best friends so you’d better remember it!

Legolas: Couldn’t she have looked it up on the internet? Faramir looks everything up on the internet.


They rode to Jerusalem at a decent pace and were silent.

Anna-Maria: I doubt they just ignored each other for the whole bloody journey.

For a while anyways. “Why do you look as though you have been crying?” Asked the Arab.

Logan: He’s a right busy-body, isn’t he?

(I tried to find his name but I couldn’t.)

Barbossa: Then you can bloody well make it up, girl.

“I would rather not speak about it.” Balian said suddenly becoming very interested in his horse’s mane.

Hermione: [as Balian] Hmm, it’s a bit tangled. I wonder if I can ask for a hairbrush?

“As you wish.” The man said looking ahead.

They soon reached Jerusalem and parted ways.

Legolas: This is where Imad and Balian decide that they’re actually friends and Balian shows his quality.

Logan: He doesn’t have any in this story.


Balian went up to the hill where Christ supposedly had been crucified and allowed himself to cry.

Barbossa: More cryin’. Be this man a man?

Hermione: It doesn’t make any sense. He’s cried loads already, he’s been in the desert and so he’s probably dehydrated. How can he have so many tears?


Why do you hate me so much God? He asked looking up at the sky.

Logan: [as God] Because you have the most terrible grammar, Balian. Learn your grammar, and you may earn my favour.

Legolas: He never thought that his God hated him. He just thought his God had abandoned him.


AN: Hmm...is Sarah dead or is she alive?

All: Dead!

That's what I guess you are all wondering.

Anna-Maria: We’re not wonderin’! We’re hopin’ that she’s dead!

Well you'll all have to read the next chapter to find out.

All: [flatly] Wonderful.

I'll get it out as soon as possible.

Logan: Take your time, kid. We’re in no hurry.

*They leave for the pub.*


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Rising Again
Hermione stared at the screen. That speech of Balian’s before the siege was so riveting; it made her misty-eyed every time she saw that scene. There was a knock on her door. “What are ye doin’?” asked Anna-Maria, peeking in.

“Just watching the movie and seeing everything as it should be,” said Hermione, pressing the ‘pause’ button.

“Ye must show me sometime, but Sauron’s callin’, and yer late,” said the female pirate.

The others were already in the cinema. Logan looked as if he wanted to sharpen his claws on something, or someone. “Anymore of this, and I will blow,” he said when Hermione sat down in the empty seat beside him.”

“I’m glad I’m not Balian,” said Legolas. “At least I wasn’t married to Rosa.”

“Yet,” said Logan. “I’m sure you will be in due time.” The elf chucked a piece of popcorn at him.

“Not if I have anything to say about it.”

The screen lit up.


Chapter 6

AN: Mwahahaha!

Barbossa: [as the author] Now I can torture ye with me horrid writing!

Now we shall see whether Sarah is dead or alive.

Logan: [praying] Please, let her be dead, let her be dead.

Hermione: I didn’t know you were religious.

Logan: I wasn’t. See what this thing has done to me?


Alatarial Elf- Mwahahahaha! I would NEVER put Sybilla and Balian together.

Anna-Maria: I wouldn’t put Sybilla and Balian together, but I would put Sibylla and Balian together. They belong with each other, them two.

Legolas: Must she spell Sibylla’s name wrong as well? She’s already taken away the woman’s salvation, at least give her the dignity of writing her name correctly.


Well unless a plot bunny came and made me. So far the coast is clear though. :)

Logan: Remind me to go to the pet shop afterwards.

Others: Why?

Logan: I’m going to buy a plot bunny for Miss Kokoi; a good one.


Isis- Mwahaha! Oh don’t worry too much. If Sarah were to die I would make up another character I wouldn’t have him and Sybilla together.

Hermione: That’s what worries me.

Balian slept horribly that night.

Legolas: He was plagued by nightmares in which he was bound by unholy matrimony to a Mary Sue.

Not only had he decided to sleep on the ground

Barbossa: Ye mean there be a bed, but he decided ta sleep on the ground anyway? Stupid blighter.

and wait until tomorrow to find people and such

Hermione: Merlin’s beard! He’s in Jerusalem. It’s not that sparsely populated!

but he had nightmares about Sarah. Nightmares about her on the bottom of the ocean tied up in seaweed crying out for him

Logan: Not now! I just had lunch!

One had her coming up behind him wet and pale as death, partially rotted, and just disgusting and asking him why he had let go of her.

Hermione: Barf bag!

He had hardly slept at all that night and every time he woke up he cried.

Anna-Maria: He’s such a sissy!

“Why? Why couldn’t I hold on?” He asked himself over and over.

Logan: I wouldn’t tie myself into knots over it, pal.

Balian went to the palace introduced himself

*All burst out laughing.*

Hermione: You mean he could just walk into the palace? The man looked like a beggar. He’d just gotten shipwrecked, killed a man and travelled through the desert. What were the guards thinking? Or were there no guards at all?

Barbossa: There be guards, and they be bloody useless.

Logan: [as Balian] Hey there, Your Majesty! My name’s Balian, and yeah, I thought I’d walk in and introduce myself. I actually have no purpose here. Anyway, bye!


and decided to go to a church before going to the land his father wanted him to have.

Hermione: That was his inheritance. He got it because his father died! And seeing as Godfrey is alive, even though he is a bumbling idiot who injured himself while practising swordplay with his son, Balian still wouldn’t get Ibelin.

He kneeled near the front of the church and prayed. He was praying for his daughter and his wife. As he mumbled his prayers he did not notice someone walking up behind him and kneeling very close to him. “God if you have not already taken Sarah from earth than please bring her back to me. I’d do anything to have her back.

Barbossa: Bag! This be sickenin’!

Anna-Maria: You just noticed?


Please forgive me for looking at another woman as I did.

Logan: Come on, pal. You only looked. Looking’s not a crime.

Please forgive me…please I cannot live without Sarah. I love her so much. I will die if she is dead.

Legolas: He’d be better off dead. Then he would be free of his prison of OOC-ness and our torture would end.

I need her.”

Logan: No you don’t, man. You really don’t.

Balian mumbled not knowing his wife was right beside him.

Anna-Maria: Oi! Why is there a new paragraph? ‘Tis the same person speakin’, ain’t it?

“I’d do anything for her….please…please don’t deprive me of the only person besides my mother and child that I have ever really loved.” Balian said letting the tears from his eyes flow down his cheeks.

Legolas: He must drink a lot of water.

“Balian…” Sarah said quietly.

Balian looked over to his side where Sarah had been sitting during all of that. His eyes grew unbelievably wide.

Hermione: Then he narrowed them down to a more believable width.

“Sarah? Is…am I dreaming?” He couldn’t believe his eyes.

Barbossa: His eyes lied to him all the time, they did.

“No my love. Oh sweetheart I was so scared you were dead.” She said wrapping her arms around him tightly.

Legolas: Hermione, would you be so kind as to pass me a barf bag? Thank you.

“I was scared you were dead too. Oh…oh Sarah…You have no idea how happy I am right now. Oh I never want to go a day without seeing your sweet face again.” Balian held her as closely as possible and kissed her repeatedly.

All: In a church?!

Anna-Maria: Why hasn’t a priest kicked them out yet?


Sarah smiled. This was the happiest she had been in a very, very, long time. “I love you.” She whispered in his ear.

He smiled and whispered the same back to her. After a few minutes they got up and left for Ibelin.

Hermione: Oh what?! What about meeting all his father’s men-at-arms, and the Hospitaller telling Balian about what holiness really is, and Balian complaining about how he was outside God’s grace? That scene represented basically the entire purpose of the film! What about learning about Reynald de Chatîllon’s raiding? And Tiberias! You can’t just leave him out!

Legolas: That’s what Miss Kokoi has just done, Hermione. You might as well accept it.


When they got there they finally relaxed. Well Sarah did anyways.

Logan: I’ll bet five bucks and a cigar that they didn’t say ‘anyways’ in the Middle Ages.

Hermione: I don’t say ‘anyways’. It’s modern slang.


Balian told her to anyways and he got to work on improving things in Ibelin. Starting with the water situation.

Legolas: What water situation?

Barbossa: Did they have floods every year?

Hermione: Actually, Ibelin had no water.


Sarah enjoyed watching her husband help people build a well and lifting heavy things. Especially when he decided to take off his shirt. (Ohhh yea woot woot)

All: ILLEGAL AUTHOR’S NOTE!

Anna-Maria: And it ain’t even a useful one!

Legolas: I think Miss Kokoi has revealed her true reason for writing this, and it isn’t because she liked the movie.

Logan: Why did she write it then?

Legolas: Three words: Orlando is HAWT!

Hermione: That’s three words and an exclamation mark.


“I definitely married a gorgeous man…” She said and licked her lips a bit.

Legolas: [as vampire bride] A young man still; his blood is hot and deliciously sweet.

Hermione: Did someone show you Van Helsing?


Sarah smiled as she got an idea in her head. “Oh this should be fun.”

Logan: She’s evil! She wants to drink Balian’s blood!

Barbossa: Actually, Master Legolas be makin’ that up.

Legolas: It makes for a more interesting story.


She said chuckling and went to go start on her plans.

Anna-Maria: Anyone got a wooden stake I can stick through her heart?

AN: Happy?

All: NO!

You guys shouldn’t worry so much I’m not the type to kill characters as long as, of course, they are ones I like and are good.

Hermione: Anyone get the feeling that she’ll kill poor Sibylla?

*All raise their hands.*


So I look forward to your opinions on this chapter

Logan: I’ve got an opinion for you; your story’s sh*t and I hate it. Satisfied?

and my story idea which I will paste right her:

All: :blink:

I have been thinking about writing a story with a girl in it that goes to Jerusalem with Godfrey and Balian.

Legolas: No way! Scrap the idea.

She can heal people who have ANYTHING but only bit by bit.

Barbossa: One, two, three, altogether...

All: MARY SUE!


So she could say make one of Baldwins hands normal or make half his face normal.

Logan: So she’s going to turn King Baldwin into the Phantom of the Opera?

Stuff like that?

Anna-Maria: Define ‘stuff’.

What are your opinions? e-mail me or tell me what you think in a review.

Legolas: I’ve got to borrow Faramir’s laptop. There’s something I would like to tell this girl.

Okay that’s it. If you think it’s lame then go ahead and tell me if you’re interested and think I should write it tell me.

Hermione: And if we tell you it’s lame then you’re going to bawl us out and say we’re stifling your creativity and whatever.

Thank you.

All: You’re not welcome.

Logan: Geniuses think alike.


Oh and sorry that this chapter was so short

Barbossa: I be havin’ no problem with that.

I just didn’t want to leave you guys hanging for to long.

Legolas: She doesn’t want to leave us hanging for what?

Anna-Maria: She should be hanged for crimes against spellin’ an’ grammar.

Logan: You know, this chapter did have one good point.

Others: What?!

Logan: It was short.


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Rising Again
“Hey! You know you can’t do this!” Hermione looked around. That did not sound like one of the regulars from Spork Team B.

“As a matter of fact, I can,” said Legolas, dragging in a dark haired man. “I have express permission from the Dark Lord himself.”

“Well, if you’re making me spork this, then I’m dragging you back for another chapter of Middle Earth’s Last Hope!”

Hermione almost snorted with laughter. This was going to be interesting, but she could not help feeling sorry for Balian. He was going to be scarred for life. She rummaged around for a synopsis pack. “Here,” she said, giving it to Balian. “The chapters are short, so I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you.”


Chapter 7

All: [flatly] Yay

Alatarial Elf- You are psychotic.

Logan: Nice person.

But in a good way!

Barbossa: Does anyone understand this?

*No one says anything.*

Barbossa: I thought not.


I love funny reviews.

Legolas: I’ve got a funny one for you: You should throw this story down Mount Doom. It’s that potent.

I hope I got this chapter out soon enough so Balian won’t get hurt.

Balian: Why was I going to get hurt?

Anna-Maria: Ye were probably goin’ ta be mauled by a Sue.


watches over her clone of Balian :)

Hermione: This girl is obsessive.

Balian: I have faced armies of thousands and kept my courage, but I’m starting to get scared now.


I’m happy you’re likin’ this.

Logan: At least someone likes it.

Legolas: You mean someone with really bad taste?

Logan: Did I mention anythin’ about her taste in literature? I think not.


Isis- Yay. : ) I hope I haven’t made you wait too long.

Anna-Maria: Make us wait longer; we don’t mind.

SpeedDeamon315- I spell it Sybilla so you got it right (by my spelling anyways).

Hermione: But you got it wrong.

Glad you like it. I’ve been contemplating how a catfight

Barbossa: I’d thought that Sibylla an’ that other woman be...women.

Hermione: Catfight is just a slang word for a fight between two women.

Logan: I prefer to call them bitch-fights.


between them might occur and go.

Balian: Sibylla does not fight and squabble like a common whore! And I don’t think there is a woman in the kingdom who would dare touch her. If anyone so much as harms a hair on her head, I’ll—

Legolas: We know, Balian. You don’t have to tell us.


I think it would be interesting so I just might have them actually fight. Maybe I should have a vote on it. :)

All: NO.

Hermione: We seem to agree a lot more than I’d thought we would.


THANKS EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED!

Sarah stretched out her arms and set up the last few candles.

Anna-Maria: That sounds like awkward movement.

Logan: Maybe she’s playing ‘candlesticks’ and can’t move from her spot.


She was going to have a lot of fun with Balian tonight.

Balian: What is that woman going to do to me?

Legolas: Balian, have you read the synopsis pack?

Balian: No. Should I have?

Logan: If you did then you would know what she has on her mind.

Balian: No, no! This is not happening to me!


She smiled as she looked at herself in the long mirror.

Hermione: ... and she couldn’t see a thing, for the surface of the mirror, although smooth, was not smooth enough to give a decent reflection.

Logan: Why not?

Hermione: Because it’s most likely made of polished bronze or copper, and it’s just not that great a reflective surface. There are miniscule bumps which cannot be seen by the human eye, but when the ray of light hits a bump, it doesn’t reflect back directly. Instead, it reflects at an—

Logan: Okay, leave off the science lesson. I failed science in high school.

Legolas: How would you know? You had amnesia.


She’d found a nice red dark red dress which looked as though it had been made just for her.

Balian: My ‘wife’ is dressing up as a...a woman of ill repute?

Barbossa: If ye be meanin’ ‘whore’ then yes, that be exactly it.

*Balian lunges at Barbossa. Logan grabs him by the arms and holds him back.*

Balian: My wife was not a whore! Don’t you dare insult her!

Legolas: We know, Balian. This woman is just posing as your wife.


It fit perfectly and made the bits of red in her hair more evident.

Hermione: She had red highlights? I didn’t know the Middle Ages were so advanced.

It also showed off her very pale skin. She pulled on a few of her golden waves to get them just right,

Anna-Maria: How vain.

put on a cloak to cover herself up so Balian wouldn’t see the dress, and left the room to search for Balian. She walked outside a ways

Balian: What?

Hermione: Don’t ask. It’s not supposed to make much sense.


and found Balian talking with a woman. She looked on curiously.

Anna-Maria: What? Is she not suspicious anymore? After last time’s show—

Balian: What show?

Anna-Maria: Never mind.


There were a good number of people with her and from the looks of things she’d be spending the night. “Who’s that?” Sarah asked Balian when he came inside.

“Princess Sybilla.

Balian: Who?

Legolas: You might know her as ‘Sibylla’.

Hermione: Oh! Look at that adorable mini-camel! It’s got such long eyelashes!


She’s stopping here for the night before traveling on.” Balian explained to Sarah.

“Oh…Well Balian come with me.” Sarah said giving Balian a sweet smile.

Logan: The princess arrived and you’re just going to ignore her? Some lady she is.

“I don’t have much time I should entertain her a bit, after all I am her host.” Balian said straightening his clothes.

Balian: Yes, come on...uh, self. Go and accompany Sibylla. It’s only polite, and you’ll find her to be much better company, believe me.

“Well…uhm…come on then.” Sarah said dragging Balian to their room.

Hermione: Balian, you have to learn to stand up for yourself; you can’t let everyone push you around.

Balian: I do assert myself. This thing, whatever this is, is not me.



When they walked in Balian froze.

Logan: [as Balian] Hey, Sarah. When I said turn on the air conditioning, I didn’t mean I wanted a storage space for cold beer. Although, as an afterthought, that would be nice, cold beer, I mean.

There were a lot of candles and flowers in the room. He looked over at Sarah and she had now taken off her cloak. His jaw nearly hit the floor.

Legolas: Pick it up, Balian. It’s not good to leave your mandible lying all over the place.

She looks gorgeous! He thought in amazement.

Balian: [as narrator] One might be tricked into thinking that Balian was in awe of Sarah’s beauty. In fact, he was looking through a window which opened out to another room. There, the Princess Sibylla had just taken off her veil and turban, letting her dark hair fall down to her waist. Her maids helped her to remove her dusty robes—

Legolas: Are you all right, Balian? You seem uncommonly...open.

Balian: I don’t know what took over me just then.


“Wow…” He said as he stared at her.

Balian: Out of curiosity, how old am I in this? I distinctly remember going to the Holy Land when I was twenty-five.

Logan: Well, pal, you’re about fourteen in this thing.

Balian: That would explain the uncharacteristic dialogue.


“Do you like it?” She asked smiling brightly.

Balian: [snappy tone] No. You look like a whore. Put on something decent.

Hermione: Calm down. This is just a story.


“Yes. Very much. My God you look beautiful.”

Anna-Maria: Yes, I have heard that God is very beautiful to behold, for He is the creator of everything that is good.

He said and walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her.

Barbossa: An’ strangled her.

“You would put Venus to shame.” He said smiling at her.

Legolas: Anyone want a barf bag?

*All raise their hands.*


Sarah giggled. “Oh come on I don’t look that good.”

Logan: No, believe me; you really don’t.

She said playing with a piece of his hair.

Legolas: How disgusting; it’s all greasy.

Balian: Look here. Not everyone cares about their personal grooming as much as you do.

Hermione: Although very few care about their personal grooming as little as you.

Balian: Whose side are you on?

Hermione: Mine.


“Yes you do. I think you do anyways.

Balian: Why is there an extra ‘s’ at the end of ‘anyway’?

Logan: I don’t know; you said it.


If you think you don’t than you’re mad.”

Hermione: You’re also driving me mad with the lack of commas!

Barbossa: I be wonderin’ if the lack of commas be a new torture method. It seems bloody effective on well-bred young ladies.


He said giving her a gorgeous warm smile.

Balian: Barf bag!

Anna-Maria: Come on! It’s your smile!


Sarah smiled happily and pulled his head down a bit to give him a kiss. Sadly just as they were about to kiss someone knocked on the friggin’ door.

All: :blink:

Balian let out a swear

Balian: What did I swear to do this time?

Legolas: I don’t know. Hopefully, you swore to finish this MST all by yourself.

Balian: I never swore such a thing!

Logan: [to Barbossa] Do you think we can make him do it?


and answered the door. “Yes?” He said impatiently.

“Uhh Princess Sybilla would like it if you would join her for dinner.” Sarah heard a woman, probably one of Sybilla’s servants, say.

Anna-Maria: Now, I ain’t ever been a servant and I ain’t never gonna be one, but even I know that a servant don’t stutter like that.

“I will be with her shortly.” He said politely and closed the door.

Logan: [as Balian] But for now, sex first!

Balian: Master Logan, my patience is wearing thin.

Logan: You think I’m afraid of you, Lancelot? How do you know what sex is anyway? Don’t you believe in the stork or something?

Others: :blink:

Hermione: Logan, Balian is someone’s father. Does that mean anything to you?

Logan: Oh right. Sorry. My bad.


He walked back over to Sarah and gave her a long kiss on the lips. Sarah felt like she would melt.

Anna-Maria: Gooey.

She felt nervous though because tonight she intended on trying new things with Balian.

Logan: [with much interest] Like what? Doggy position? Doing it while hanging from the rafters? Threesome with Sibylla? Foursome with Sibylla and...Sibylla’s maid?

*Balian turns an interesting shade of red.*


(Get the thoughts of kinky things out of your heads now…)

All, except Logan: Illegal author’s note!

Logan: Oh.

Hermione: The note must have been written for Logan.

Legolas: And the author.


She’d talked with a few women and discovered a few things men apparently loved.

Logan: Sex, sex, and more sex.

Legolas: Surely men must have more on their minds than simply procreation.

Balian: Believe me, most men do. Logan happens to be the exception.

Logan: That’s not true! I think about lots of other things, like cigars and beer! I just happen to be very bored here.


So she very timidly started pushing her tongue into Balian’s mouth.

Hermione: That’s it? After all her hints, and Logan’s comments, I would have thought that it would be something more exciting than French kissing.

Anna-Maria: He is French. Why would that be exciting at all? I would’ve thought that he would be an expert at it by now.

Balian: The French kiss each other all the time. What’s so special about that?

Legolas: Not that type of kissing, Balian.

Balian: Oh.

Barbossa: So, be ye an expert?

Logan: I’ll be it tasted like chicken. Everything tastes like chicken.


He hesitated at first and then let her in, wrapping his arms more tightly around her. This is interesting…

Logan: [as Balian] This is very interesting. It tastes like KFC; never had that before.

Sarah thought as they kissed and she felt Balian‘s tongue slip into her mouth.

Balian: God, deliver me from this hell!

Legolas: You’ve lost it rather quickly.


When they finally stopped to get some air Sarah smiled at Balian shyly. “Did…you uhm like that?” She asked nuzzling into his chest.

“Yes…

Logan: [as Balian] It was new and interesting. Next time, let’s try hot ‘n’ spicy, or better yet, popcorn chicken.

what you did with your tongue was very different. I always wanted to do that but I figured you would think it disgusting or something.” Balian said as he rubbed her back. He sighed. He really didn’t want to go have dinner with Sybilla.

Balian: Believe me, I really want Sibylla right now.

Logan: Is that in a dodgy way?

Others: Logan!

Hermione: Can’t you stop being dodgy just for a second?

Logan: I was just asking! She is his lover, you know.


Then a thought came to Balian. “Sarah would you like to have dinner with Sybilla and I? Please?” He asked giving her puppy dog eyes.

Balian: I am not a whelp!

“Uhm…alright.” She said hesitantly, she sort of had bad vibes about the princess.

Legolas: [as Balian] Well, I’ve sort of changed my mind. You can sort of stay here if you sort of have bad vibes about the princess.

“Good. I’ll be just a minute I’ve got to change.” Balian said then went and changed.

Balian: ...into a bird and he flew away out of the window...

Logan: Into Sibylla’s bedroom?


When Balian was ready they went to Sybilla’s room to have dinner.

Logan: Dinner in bed!

Hermione: I wouldn’t let that happen in my house. It’s disgusting to have crumbs in the bed.

Logan: They can always skip the eat— Okay, Prince Philip, I get your point. You’re going to put your sword in my guts if I say anymore, right?

Balian: Philippe?

Logan: That’s it, if you wanna be really French.

Balian: Philippe of France is my cousin.

Logan: No no! I was referring to that Disney cartoon! You’re Prince Philip, get it? You’re the knight in shining armour!

Hermione: You watch Disney cartoons, Logan?

Logan: Oh, shut up. I had to babysit a four-year-old, all right?

Hermione: Sure, sure, Logan, whatever.


Sybilla smiled when she saw Balian and looked surprised to see Sarah.

Legolas: [as Sibylla] My lord, what is that with you—oh, she must be your personal...uh...attendant.

Balian: Will you stop tormenting me?

Barbossa: Why? That be the entire point o’ this game.

Anna-Maria: This is a game?


“I hope you don’t mind Sarah having dinner with us. I don’t really want to be without her.” Balian said smiling.

Anna-Maria: Barf bag!

“Oh of course. I heard about what happened. Well I’ll have another place made up for her.” Sybilla said smiling.

Barbossa: [as Sibylla] Ye can sit under the table, wench.

Sarah didn’t like her.

Hermione: Of course you don’t like her. She’s a thousand times better than you can ever dream of being.

Logan: What does this Sibylla look like? Is she hot?

Balian: Master Howlett, do not forget that I am here.

Logan: There’s no crime in asking.


There was something very fake about her. Maybe it was just because she was there.

Anna-Maria: Sibylla’s havin’ a hard time toleratin’ the bitch, but she’s bein’ polite.

Balian seemed to not notice anything odd.

Barbossa: The man be blind.

I bet she wanted to be all alone with Balian…

Legolas: Well, that is a golden nugget of truth.

Sarah thought angrily. She had never been the jealous type

Hermione: Could’ve fooled me.

but with Balian she worried lately. Not as much since she heard him praying earlier that day but still.

Balian: I prayed?

Hermione: Yes.

Balian: Who would’ve thought? You do learn something new every day.


She knew just how attractive her husband was to other women.

Legolas: Oh yes. Just ask Fran.

She knew she wasn’t the only woman who saw how gorgeous he was.

Logan: Translation: The authoress was drooling by this point, possibly because she’s intending on writing a three—

Others: Logan!

Logan: What? Can’t you at least wait until after I’ve finished my sentence before yelling at me?


When the table was ready they all sat down and started eating.

Barbossa: Has all the fried chicken been eaten?

Logan: It’s been eaten and regurgitated. You’re most welcome to try recycled chicken.


At first they were silent. Then Balian started talking with Sybilla and they started chattering. Sarah looked at the two of them. She liked how Balian was friendly with her but didn’t like how she was with him.

Anna-Maria: What? Can’t a girl be friendly without being thought badly of?

She was giving him looks. I’m not talking little ‘I like you’ looks I’m talking about looks that said ‘I want to get in your pants’ and Sarah did not like that.

Balian: Sibylla’s much more subtle than that! That’s not Sibylla! I don’t know who that is, but she’s not Sibylla.

Logan: We all know she’s not Sibylla; she’s Sybilla. There is a difference.

Balian: A world of difference.


Sarah gave Sybilla a look of her own. One that said ‘keep your hands off my husband or you’ll lose them’.

Hermione: That must be a rather long and detailed look.

Sybilla noticed but made sure not to act as though she had. She didn’t make it obvious anyways. She didn’t have to, she knew Sarah knew she’d seen it.

Legolas: And I know that Sauron knows that I know that he knows that I know that he knows that I know that he knows that this is going to drive us mad.

Anna-Maria: Yer drivin’ me mad.


They both knew they weren’t going to get along. Ever

Balian: It’s over! I’m leaving!

*He runs out of the cinema; the others follow him.*


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Telcontar Rulz
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Rising Again
Hermione read over the notes for this chapter. It seemed that the author had gotten some less than positive feedback. "About time," she muttered.

"What?" asked Logan, settling himself in a seat beside her. He had a large cardboard carton on his lap, and when he moved, clinking noises issued from inside.

"Miss Kokoi got bad reviews," said Hermione, showing him the notes. Logan raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. Instead, he opened the cardboard carton and pulled out a bottle of beer. Extending a claw, he removed the cap from the glass bottle and took a swig.

"Are you going to say anything, or are you just going to sit there and drink beer?" asked Hermione. She had expected more of a reaction.

"What does it look like?" asked Logan, taking another sip of beer. It was a bit warm and watery, but it would have to do. He was surprised Sauron let him have any at all.

"Did I miss anything exciting?" Legolas said as he came into the theatre.

"Bad reviews for Miss Kokoi," said Hermione, thrusting her notes at the elf and hoping that he would be more excited than Logan.

"How bad?" asked Legolas.

"Bad enough that she feels the need to justify herself," said Hermione with a grin.

"Why didn't you tell me that?" asked Logan. "If I knew we would be seeing her bratty side then I might have been more excited."

"You didn't ask, did you?"

The girl and the man glared at each other. Just then, Anna-Maria and Barbossa were shoved in. The two pirates seemed to be in the middle of a quarrel.

"Everyone's friendly today," said Legolas. He glanced at the watch which he'd 'borrowed' from Fran. Only half a minute to go before the horror began. He would just have to try and ignore the ridiculous arguments until then.

Seconds passed, and then, just as the second hand on Legolas' borrowed watch hit 'twelve', the screen lit up. 'You really have to admire Sauron's punctuality,' thought the elf.

A message flashed across the screen. "The reviews themselves will be in bolded italics," it said.

"That's handy," said Logan. "At least we'll know what she was being bratty about."


Doc M:

Re: "I have been thinking about writing a story with a girl in it that goes to Jerusalem with Godfrey and Balian. She can heal people who have ANYTHING but only bit by bit. So she could say make one of Baldwins hands normal or make half his face normal. Stuff like that?"

Healing people "bit by bit" magically might work with wounds in a fantasy universe, but the King has a bacterial disease, so it would have to be all or nothing.


Doc M-I was going to have her use magic. I know KOH is not set in a fantasy world but this is fan fiction.

Hermione: I've heard that one before. You're right, Miss Kokoi. It's fanfiction, and it means you have to follow the rules of the FANdom.

Logan: I don't think she's figured that out yet. It takes too much brain power.


Thanks for letting me know your opinion.

Legolas: [as the author] But I'm just going to ignore it.

Isis- Sorry I didn’t update very soon!

Barbossa: Don't be sorry.

I got massive writers block and have been busy studying for finals.

Hermione: She's got some sort of education?

Anna-Maria: She don't sound like it.


I’m still deciding whether or not to have Sarah and Sybilla get into a catfight.

Logan: I'm all for bitch-fights, but catfights are pathetic.

Others: What the...


I’m not very good at writing fights.

Legolas: I've got some advice for you; get better at writing, and then post your work.

Maybe I could get a friend to help me with that part.

Hermione: I'm feeling sorry for the friend.

LavenderBlossom:

"I have been thinking about writing a story with a girl in it that goes to Jerusalem with Godfrey and Balian. She can heal people who have ANYTHING but only bit by bit. So she could say make one of Baldwins hands normal or make half his face normal."

Please don't!! Mary-Sues have brutally invaded this fandom already, don't do this to the one character who was good in the movie. I know you're probably one of those girls who don't like to think of Edward Norton as anything but 'gorgeous' or something, but the fact is that King Baldwin had leprosy and died, horribly disfigured, before his 24th birthday. There is no way to make him 'perdy' again or miraculously heal him, not in 12C.

There are some good fics about him out there, take a look at those and let them inspire you -I don't write myself, I know I couldn't do him justice- but please don't commit fanfictional rape against one of the greatest heroes ever to grace this earth!

Cheers!

Lavender


LavenderBlossom- Uhh…actually…I don’t really find Edward Norton very attractive at all. Not my type.

Logan: Which is really unfortunate for Rolando Blumenthal.

Hermione: It's 'Orlando Bloom'.

Logan: Whatever.

Legolas: I sympathize with Balian a bit more. It's his name that's being used.


Good guess though probably about 85 of the time you’d be completely right.

Barbossa: Eighty five what?

Anna-Maria: Eighty five percent, methinks.

Hermione: Unfortunately for the fandom.


I know they had no way to heal him back then really. But this is fan fiction so I can make there be magic in the stories I write.

Barbossa: But there be also the need to adhere to the guidelines enough so that you be not rewritin' history.

Hermione: And don't write crap.


The reason I wanted to write a fic with him getting healed was not so Baldwin would be ‘perdy’ as you put it it was so he could live longer, so the peace would be maintained

Legolas: But that would change world history! Jerusalem had to fall in 1187, or else there would be no Third Crusade, and Saladin will have to deal with civil war because he failed to take Jerusalem, and--

Hermione: --and Byzantium would not have been so severely weakened and so the Ottomans would not have been able to conquer it, and there would be no kingdom of Cyprus, and--

Logan: Stop it! We get you! It's going to change history and we'll all be in deep shit. Now can we move on?


and so I could write more stuff with him and Balian talking and see what would happen with Gee

All: Who?

Hermione: Hey, look! Another mini-camel! He's even got a collar and a name tag! What's your name, darling? Oh, it's Gee.

Legolas: I think I get it now. She meant Guy.


and Renauld. Hee hee when Baldwin appears in this story I’ll do my best not to write him badly I’d hate to screw him up he is such a wonderful character.

Logan: And hopefully when you write it, your run-on sentences would disappear and be replaced by normal sentences.

P.S.-Sorry I made it sound like a Mary Sue. She wouldn’t be at all perfect and her mystery would go away quickly. I’m not good at keeping characters mysterious for long.

Anna-Maria: Yer no good at writin', full stop.

Latebloomer04-Lol I’ll get you a rotten tomato force shield. Maybe I’ll write the story and send it to you. Or maybe I’ll put it up on here. After all people don’t have to read it no one’s gonna force them.

Legolas: How are they going to know if it's good or not without reading it?

I can see why you’d like the pairing, Sybilla was kind of cool I guess and Balian deserved someone to be happy with. I’m sure he could find MANY women on this site of course who’d definitely love to make him happy….

Hermione: Would they be able to make him happy is another story.

drools at silly fanfic idea

All: No!

Don’t worry peoples I won’t write a fic with Balian getting transported to the future.

Legolas: Thank the Valar for small mercies.

Unless someone would want me to lol otherwise don’t worry. Oh and if you’re worrying about me making Sybilla really horrible don’t, she won’t be too bad anyways.

Barbossa: I be havin' a bad feelin' about this.

I have to make her work for the story though so sorry you don’t like the portrayal.

Legolas: Until you can write a story which suits the characters, you shouldn't be writing at all.

I just went and saw KOH again yesterday. So now I remember things a bit better so…yay…okay to the story. (and my god the review responses are going to be like half as long as the story. Wow….oops….)

Anna-Maria: Dear Lord! She's just started!

Chapter 8

Balian was bewildered.

Legolas: He had no idea why he was so out of character.

He had no idea what so ever as to what had happened. He and Sybilla had been talking,

Logan: He's been havin' discussions with a mini-camel? The poor guy must be bored out of his mind.

Hermione: Or stark raving mad.

*Sybilla the mini-camel chews on a page of the synopsis.*


then he noticed something weird between her and Sarah,

Logan: ...for they looked as if they wanted to snog each other.

and then boom

Hermione: ...a rock struck the wall. Somehow, someone was attacking Ibelin. Balian had no time to wonder about the weird things going on between his Mary Sue and the mini-camel, for he had to go out to defend the keep.

they started fighting.

Anna-Maria: With cannons? That's a little drastic.

Well not fighting fighting

Logan: What other sort of fight is there?

just verbal sparring.

Legolas: With a near illiterate author writing this, I doubt it would very verbal.

It had started with Sybilla making a not so kind remark about Sarah’s dress then escalated unbelievably.

Hermione: Let's make it escalate more believably, shall we?

“Where did you find that dress? It’s so old [,] I’m amazed that style can still be found.

Legolas: Nice one, Logan, adding the comma.

Hermione: You know, I've seen medieval pictures, and the clothes all look more or less the same from year to year. Besides, Sibylla would never be so stupid to mention anything like this.


My grandmother had a dress like that.”

Anna-Maria: She remembers her grandmother? Didn't people die young back then?

Barbossa: They still died young in me day.


Sybilla said smiling sickeningly.

Legolas: I'm sure she's getting sick of Sarah.

“I found it around here.” Sarah said doing her best not to just completely glare at Sybilla.

Logan: I think I get it now. It belonged to one of Balian's father's mistresses.

Hermione: How do you know Balian's father even had a mistress?

Logan: Logic. Godfrey wasn't married, right? So the dress must have belonged to a mistress of his.

Legolas: Don't let Balian hear that. He would feel obliged to challenge you to a duel.

Logan: Bring it on. I'm not scared.


“Oh right…I’d suggest a different dress type, it doesn’t suit you.

Hermione: You know what would suit her?

Others: What?

Hermione: One of those long white tunics which patients wear in psychiatric hospitals.


Oh and the color is all wrong.

Anna-Maria: Oh oh oh! Why does this woman always begin her sentence with 'oh'?

Logan: Maybe it's the sound that mini-camels make.

*Gee grunts.*

Logan: Or maybe not.


Pale is nice but you look like a walking corpse in that.” Sybilla said snidely.

Logan: You know what? This story might be more interestin' if Balian had a vampire bride.

Well obviously Sarah wasn’t going to put up with this. I mean the Sybilla

Anna-Maria: Look! The mini-camel's not just Sybilla. She's The Sybilla.

had obviously intended on seducing Balian, and was now making fun of her. Unacceptable.

Barbossa: I be able to show ye what be unacceptable.

Hermione: Captain Barbossa, we don't want to know.


“Well I guess I should just be happy not to look like a prostitute.” She said

Legolas: The point is, you do. Only prostitutes wore red in those days.

scathingly giving Sybilla’s dress a snotty look.

Logan: Disgusting! Can't she wipe her own nose?

Which of course got Sybilla pissed.

Legolas: [with wide eyes] What did she get Sibylla--I mean, Sybilla--to do?

Logan: Hey, Balian! One of them's pissed. Get the other one pissed as well and then you can have a threesome!

Barbossa: If ye were one of me crew, I would have ye keelhauled, Master Logan.


Oh and by the way during all this so far Balian’s just been watching these two trying to think of what to do.

Legolas: I concede that Balian can be rather daft some of the time, but you want to know something, Miss Kokoi? He's not that daft!

Hermione: Balian's not daft at all! He defended Jerusalem and negotiated a peaceful surrender!

Logan: This guy can't negotiate anythin'. I'd be surprised if he could understand what Saddam Hussein was sayin'.

Hermione: I beg your pardon? The sultan's name was Saladin.

Logan: What? Not Saddam?

Hermione: Logan, Saddam Hussein was the president of Iraq. Saladin was the ruler of Syria, Egypt and Arabia.


What to do with women isn’t exactly most men’s area of expertise

Barbossa: But he would know enough ta tell his woman to shut up!

so can’t blame him. “Are you implying something?” Sybilla asked indignantly.

Logan: She's daft too.

Hermione: Can't blame her. She's a mini-camel.


“Me?” Sarah asked in a oh so sweet little innocent voice.

Legolas: [as Sarah] Oh, no. I didn't steal the cookie from the cookie jar.

“Obviously. Oh well I guess I shouldn’t expect you to understand anything. After all you only have the brain of a common fool.” Sybilla said.

Hermione: You know, they thought foolishness was caused by the humours in a person's body. Neurology wasn't one of the Crusaders' strengths.

“I’d rather that than the lowliest, inbred, cheapest whore’s brain which you so most definitely have.” Sarah said angrily.


Logan: [as Sibylla a la Queen of Hearts] Off with her head!

“Okay

Hermione: First she has Balian say 'sexy' and now he says 'okay'? The last time I saw Balian, he was still a twelfth century Frank, not a twentieth century American.

you two that is most definitely ENOUGH.” Balian said laying a hand on Sarah’s shoulder.

“Oh don’t worry we’re only jesting…right?” Sybilla said putting on a fake smile.

Anna-Maria: None of that could possibly be taken as witty bantering.

Legolas: For one, witty bantering needs to be witty.


“Oh of course your whorishness.” Sarah said glaring.

Barbossa: Forget keelhaulin' Master Logan. I shall keelhaul that wench!

Which earned her a slap from Sybilla.

Logan: Too mild. I expected a full on beheading. Hey, princess, need some help? *Logan brandishes his middle claw.

Balian’s eyes went wide.

Hermione: No, Balian. To stop...er...bitch-fights, as Logan calls them, you don't throw your eyes. You throw a bucket of cold water over them.

Legolas: In this case, that lovely roasted duck on the table will do.

Logan: It's not nice to waste good food.


Sarah balled up on of her hands into a fist and let her rip.

Barbossa: Rip what?

Okay so there was more than verbal fighting but Balian didn’t let this go on. He grabbed Sarah and dragged her away yelling apologies to Sybilla. So now he was sitting in a chair across from Sarah wondering what the hell came over them.

Legolas: I'm still wondering how a sophisticated and intelligent woman like Sibylla could act like that.


Hermione: That's not Sibylla. That's Sybilla the mini-camel.

Legolas: In that case, I'm wondering how a mini-camel can come up with so many crass comments, no matter how much they showed a lack of wit.


“Could you please just try to explain why you acted like that?” He said confused.

Logan: Because she's a vicious jealous little bitch.

Hermione: Language, Logan.


“You heard her! Look like a corpse? Ha! I look fine.

All: No you don't.

The wench. Lowly

Barbossa: She be royal. That definitely ain't lowly.

inbred

Hermione: Well, her father did divorce her mother on the grounds of consanguinity.

little

Anna-Maria: She ain't so little. She's got a wee boy.

cunt!”

Legolas: Said word does not exist in Medieval vocabulary, so no, she's not one.

Sarah started ranting now.

So Balian just put his face in his hands and sighed.

Anna-Maria: What a useless husband.

What the HELL? He screamed in his head. “STOP!” He yelled finally losing his temper.

Logan: That's more like it, Balian.

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU COULD GET IN FOR ATTACKING HER! ANY!”

All: Caps lock abuse.

Hermione: And her attacking Sibylla would get him into a lot of trouble. Just as well she attacked the mini-camel and not the princess.


He yelled giving her a cold glare.

Legolas: Yelling and cold are not compatible with each other in this context.

“She…she…attacked me.

Anna-Maria: I ain't surprised. Ye called her a whore. She has a hard enough life, first bein' married off to some old codger old enough to be her father, and now ta some snobby French nobleman.

Hermione: Have you been studying, Anna?


I was defending-” Sarah was cut off by the enraged Balian.

Logan: Kill! Kill!

“SINCE WHEN DOES THAT MATTER! SHE’S A FUCKING PRINCESS!

Logan: I'll bet he'd like to f--

Legolas: Logan, you are amongst civilized people. Please keep civil. Thank you.


YOU CAN’T DO THAT AND EXPECT NO PUNISHMENT!”

Barbossa: Bring out the cat!

Logan: Here, puss! Here, puss puss puss!

Barbossa: That be the Cat o' Nine Tails for ya, Master Logan.


He yelled at her and then got up and started pacing.

Tears were now most definitely in Sarah’s eyes. She wiped her eyes repeatedly to keep the tears from falling. After all he hated it when she cried and she didn’t want him madder.

Hermione: I don't think he can get any more insane than he already is; after all, he married you.

“Are you crying?” Balian asked her.

She sniffed and wiped the tears away quickly. “N…no…” She said biting her lip to keep her voice from trembling to much.

Anna-Maria: Honestly, I did not know that tremblin' was a way to get to places. Where's 'much' anyway?

“Do. Not. Lie. To. Me.” Balian said in a very frustrated voice.

Logan: Would that be sexually--

Legolas: Logan, I'm warning you.


“Fine I am! I’m sorry!” She yelled and ran to their bed to put her face in a pillow to smother the noise.

Barbossa: An' I be hopin' that she smothers herself as well.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Balian heard her repeat over and over.

Hermione: She's a broken record.

“For what?” Balian asked more icily than intended.

Logan: Since he is sexually frustrated, I suppose the ice will do him some good.

*Legolas attempts to strangle Logan, and is pulled away by Barbossa.

Barbossa: It be a lost cause. He don't fight fair.


“For everything. I’m even sorry I was born.

All: Hear! Hear!

I’m sorry you’re stuck with and ugly useless annoying wife who can’t control herself. I’m sorry I cry so much.

Legolas: Is she apologizing for everything that's wrong with her?

Logan: I think she's being sarcastic.

Legolas: Still, she doesn't know how accurate she is.


I’m sorry Lillian died. I’m sorry I attacked Sybilla. I’m sorry we ever met!”

Barbossa: I be sorry too, m'dear.

She said crying even louder now.

Now Balian felt as though he’d just been run through with a sword.

Hermione: Guy stabbed him in the back!

Legolas: That would be more interesting.


‘Wh…wha…what were the first and last one’s?” He asked

Logan: Do you need a speech and language pathologist, pal? You're stutterin'.

not quite believing that she’d said that, did he really make her that miserable?

Hermione: Those run-on sentences are definitely making me miserable.

“I’m sorry I was born and I’m sorry we met. Are you happy to hear that?”

All: Yes.

She asked now feeling angry.

“No.” He said in a small voice.

Legolas: No, I'm not happy to hear that. I'm ecstatic!

“No I’m not. I love you.

Anna-Maria: Stupid man.

I…I don’t want you to be sorry about those things. Sarah I am happy you were born and I’m happy we met.

Hermione: But we're not. If you hadn't met, we wouldn't be reading this crap.

If those two things hadn’t happened I…I’d be miserable and alone.

Barbossa: No, he would have just found himself a prettier and sweeter lass.

I love you. And..you're not ugly or useless. Darling I love yous

Legolas: Who's 'yous'? Is Balian having an affair?

Hermione: No he's not. He's just having very bad grammar.


so much. You're beautiful and strongheaded and smart.

Logan: Said adjectives are not compatible with the Sue.

There's nothing not to love.”

Anna-Maria: And there's everything to hate.

He said and walked over to her and pulled her into his arms.

“I’m sorry I yelled. It’s just that I worry about you. The last thing I want is for you to be hurt.” He said holding her tightly and kissing her on the cheek.

“I hate it when you yell. It scares me. It reminds me of when my father would yell at me or my mother.” She said biting her lip at the thought of her drunken father.

Hermione: Here comes the obligatory tragic past.

Logan: If her mother was anything like her, I don't blame her father for staying drunk and yelling.

Barbossa: If I had a daughter like her, I'd be stayin' drunk and yellin' all the time.


“I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was that bad. I’ll try to not yell at you in the future.” He said remembering only to well his wife’s father.

“Thanks you.” She said and sighed.

Hermione: Oh, stuff it. Does anyone have booze?

Legolas: The grammatical mistakes are really getting to you, aren't they?


“I have to go and speak with Sybilla. I’ll do my best to not attack her again.” Sarah said slowly getting up.

Logan: That's the same speaker. Why does she need a different paragraph?

Anna-Maria: She doesn't.


“Alright.” Balian said hesitantly.

Sarah almost wished he told her not to. This was not going to be at all fun. So she slowly walked to Sybilla’s door and all to quickly reached it. Just as she was about to knock the door opened. Sybilla was on the other side and was very much pissed.

Logan: Whoa! Drunken queen! Does she want...

Hermione: No she doesn't, Logan. Besides, that's a drunken mini-camel.


Which was understandable considering she had A. found out the man she had sadly very easily fallen for was married.

Legolas: Tiberias would have told her that.

Barbossa: He be non-existent in this...thing.


B. Her back-up plans didn’t work.

Anna-Maria: What back-up plans?

Logan: You know, insulting a man's wife does not endear you to him.


And C. She had just gotten her pretty little but whooped.

Legolas: She has just gotten what?

Hermione: That would be 'butt'. You know, letters of the alphabet are not rationed, Miss Kokoi.

Logan: Does she really have a nice butt?


“You!” She screeched.

Hermione: Sophisticated queens who are capable of ruling nations do not screech. Nor do mini-camels.

“Yeah…I came to…apologize for my actions.” Sarah said through gritted teeth.

Barbossa: She be sounding truly contrite.

She wanted nothing more than to beat up Sybilla. Sybilla, in her mind, was a sluttish spoiled royal who was just like every other royal, stupid, worthless, brainless, and unappreciative of the working people.

Legolas: That's in her puny little mind. From what I know of Sibylla, she was subtle, witty, charming, demure, strong, sophisticated, generous, loving, protective, loyal...

Logan: You've been talking to Balian, haven't you?


“Pardon me? Apologize? Well I suppose I was wrong about how stupid you are. I suppose there’s some remnant of a brain in your head.” She said triumphantly.

Hermione: She supposes a lot of things. None of which are correct.

Sarah put her hands behind her back to hide that they were being clenched. “Do I have your forgiveness?” She asked reluctantly.

All: No.

“Oh I guess so.” Sybilla said smiling.

Anna-Maria: That means she's gonna think about it, and if she thinks she's not so forgiving, then it's off with the wench's head!

“Good. Good night your highness.” Sarah said and walked away from the smirking Sybilla.

Logan: I'm guessing that neither beautiful sophisticated queens nor mini-camels smirk.

Hermione: Correct.


Balian had so better not be asleep. I need to…oh frig it. Sarah thought suddenly realizing that she was very tired.

Legolas: I should be thankful that there isn't going to be a badly written sex scene.

AN: Sorry bloomer….I made Sybilla really bad I know. Oh well. I hope that was a decent chapter. Thanks for all the reviews and all I appreciate it very much. I hope that was enjoyable for the people who don’t like Sybilla. (And not so bad for people like bloomer)

Anna-Maria: Trust me, it was more than bad.

*They all leave.*


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Rising Again
Logan balanced his four cups of full-cream latte and two bottles of beer carefully on his plastic tray, trying not to spill anything.

“You’re prepared today,” said Hermione, looking at the overload of junk food which Logan had surrounded himself with.

“I’m trying to enjoy myself the best I can,” said Logan, taking a sip of his latte. “I read the synopsis, and there is going to be more brattiness from Miss Kokoi. It’s too bad I can’t give her detention.”

“At least that leaves less room for the actual horror,” said Legolas, settling himself in his usual seat. The others filed in, looking tired. Anna-Maria had dark circles under her eyes.

“I don’t know how long I can go on for,” she said, just as the screen lit up.


Note: Reviews will be bolded and italicized.

LavenderBlossom:

She will be a Mary-Sue, I guarantee that. And leprosy isn't healed by 'making half his face normal'. It is, like DocM said, a bacterial disease, which goes past the skin. It's like tuberculosis of the nerves, in case that helps.

I'm not a professional historian yet, but I'm working on it. I don't know if you just don't try, but your stories sound like 'Sweet Valley High'-type of novels. No, worse. With mistakes.

Your characters behave like teens in puberty, they talk like the last **-wits from American high schools and they act NOTHING like anyone from that time period would have! And no, to prevent the pouty "Then why are you reading this"-comment, I did NOT read your chapter 8 for the sake of the story, but to see if you had responded to my review.

So, do yourself a favour and read some of the GOOD stuff that's out there! You'll learn someting.


LavenderBlossom-About the healing thing, I didn’t mean the skin on the half healed would be all that was healed I know it goes deeper than that. Also it’s MAGIC and magic can do anything.

Hermione: Magic also doesn’t exist in this fandom. Now, if you were writing a story about Hogwarts, on the other hand...

It’s a fantasy thing, and I can put fantasy into whatever story I write that’s what is so fun about fan fiction.

Barbossa: Fanfiction be fun only if you do not rape the fandom!

I just feel like writing like this, it’s fun and there are plenty of people who do like this.

Legolas: Plenty of people also jump off cliffs. Would you do that too?

Logan: Hey, that would be a good idea, for her, I mean.


It’s too bad you don’t like it. Also Sarah happens to be around 18

Hermione: Eighteen?! I thought she was...twelve!

Logan: Hey! Don’t insult twelve year olds. I happen to live in a school and I know twelve year olds who are way smarter than this Sarah.


and is a bit immature for her age.

Anna-Maria: That’s like sayin’ Jack Sparra is a little bit eccentric.

I made her like that because I thought it would be interesting.

Legolas: It’s not more interesting.

And another thing, do you think all adults don’t act like teens?

Logan: I protest! I do not act like a teen!

If you do you are mistaken. Quite a sad number of them do.

Hermione: Yes, and Balian and Sibylla are not amongst that number.

Also I don’t have to write people like how they would be in that time in my stories. I’m having fun.

Barbossa: And you be ruinin’ the fandom for the others, but I be thinkin’ you don’t give a damn ‘bout it.

I’m not trying to write a serious story here. I mean for it to be fun to read.

Anna-Maria: Ye mean this isn’t an elaborate evil plot to torture the members of MST International?

I have read what you probably would consider ‘good stuff’ Mary Sue, Oltra Mar is one of them and I haven‘t learned anything new I have done a lot of studying of the period.

All: No way!

Logan: She’s lying. She’ll set off a lie detector the way I set off metal detectors.


Maybe I write like this because I am a teen so I think like one and write like one.

Hermione: Stop putting a stigma on all teens!

I like to write like this because it is liked by people like Alatarial Elf, latebloomer04, isis, SpeedDemon315, and Fanny who like these things,

Legolas: According to Fran, there were about twenty stories in that fandom in those days, and about five of them had something to do with Balian.

maybe they are also teens so that could be why they like it. I wonder, why did you read the chapter?

Logan: Two words, darling: Morbid curiosity.

Hermione: Bingo, Logan.

Logan: You’re not gonna yell at me?


You don’t have to read the chapter to read the responses to the reviews. Why did you read up to chapter 6 if you didn’t like the story?

Legolas: So she could try and give you constructive criticism—which, I might add, you threw back into her face.

I’d also like to know how you know so well how people acted back then?

Hermione: The chronicles, duh! William of Tyre, Ernoul, Imad-ad-Din—

Legolas: Let’s just say there were lots of historians back then, shall we?


Maybe people had written about the behaviors and all but how accurate they were is really questionable.

Hermione: Do you honestly think that someone who behaves like your version of Balian can defend Jerusalem and become kingmaker?

Legolas: Balian was a kingmaker? He failed to mention that.


Also why can’t I modernize how they act? It’s my story and last I checked I can do what I want with it.

Anna-Maria: Yer also playin’ in someone else’s patch o’ dirt and ye have to keep to their code.

No one has forced you to read my fan fiction. Oh and how would you know if she’d be a Mary-Sue?

Hermione: Let’s see; super powers which no one else has—check. Mysterious—check. Is close to canon characters—check.

You don’t.

Logan: We so do!

You don’t have a clue if she would or not. Mary-Sue’s are characters who are too perfect and have either a very implausible background or an overly used one.

Legolas: Miss Kokoi, you’ve just described your character.

Now you might say the magic user one is not very plausible but that’s where the fantasy aspect I would add comes in.

Barbossa: That be also where the Sueness comes in.

Alatarial Elf-Yeah…Sarah being beheaded might not be a very good thing.

Hermione: What is wrong with these people? That would be the best thing!

Logan: I get to wave the head around on a pike!


Though at least you guys wouldn’t have to worry about Balian and Sybilla getting together as I am sure Balian would not be happy with Sybilla

Balian: [over the intercom] I would be very happy with Sibylla, thank you very much!

then to put it lightly. I hope I updated soon enough for poor Balian’s sake. :)

All: Poor poor Balian.

Chapter 9

Sarah was still in a not so great mood the next morning.

Logan: Did she finally find out that we were MSTing her story?

That was mainly due to the fact Sybilla was being really annoying.

Hermione: You mean the princess was showing her how a noblewoman ought to behave?

She was in Balian and Sarah’s room and chattering with Balian.

Logan: Are you sure they were just chatting? *He winks.*

Sarah was getting more and more annoyed by the second.

Barbossa: We know that one already; anythin’ else?

She had intended on having a long talk with Balian.

Anna-Maria: [as Sarah] Balian, why are you talkin’ to Sibylla? I mean, I’m here! Why aren’t you paying attention to me? Boo hoo!

About important things.

Anna-Maria: *continuing her masquerade as Sarah* Balian, I look gorgeous in this dress, don’t I? I do, right? That bitch doesn’t know anything and she has no taste! I hate her—

Logan: Anna, shut it, will you?


Sarah eventually decided to try and get Sybilla to leave. “Excuse me, I have to speak with Balian Sybilla.

Legolas: You do not address princesses by name. You call them ‘Your Highness’ or ‘Milady’ at the very least.

Hermione: That’s probably a bit too complex an concept for the author to grasp.


It’s important.” She said doing her best to sound nothing but polite.

Logan: And failing.

Sybilla looked at her curiously for a minute. “Fine. Good day Balian.” She eventually said and left.

Hermione: It seems awfully easy to push Sibylla around.

Legolas: That’s because she’s also gotten OOC-titis.


“What’s wrong?” Balian asked worriedly.

Logan: How much time have you got to spare, Balian? You’re going to be here for a long time.

“I…well I’ve been wanting to talk to you about a lot of things lately.

Hermione: [as Sarah] Like how Sibylla is an uber-bitch.

Logan: What happened to all the swear-word constraints?

Hermione: Sorry. It’s just...

Logan: Yeah, I know, kid.


I just have been a bit scared to.”

Barbossa: To what?

Legolas: To death, hopefully.


She said quietly not looking at him.

“Sit down and talk to me.” He said sadly.

Logan: Why on earth would he be sad? He’s got two women fighting over him, and one of them is a gorgeous rich princess!

Hermione: He’s probably sad because with Sarah still here, he won’t ever get to be with Sibylla.

Logan: I can do him a favour. *He extends his claws.*


He was glad she was the one to try to talk about things but he hadn’t really wanted to talk about things much.

Anna-Maria: So why on earth was he glad that she wanted talk? And why the hell did he invite her to talk?!

Legolas: Because he has the intelligence of a goblin in this thing.

Hermione: We’re going to have to listen to some wangsty tantrum now, don’t we?


Sarah didn’t really know where to start.

Logan: *singing a song from The Sound of Music.* Let’s start from the very beginning; a very good place to start.

*Everyone is silent for a bit.*

Legolas: I’m impressed, Logan. You really can sing, unlike everyone else in this facility.

Logan: *grinning* Thanks.

Legolas: I wonder if we can get Mr. Todd, and then do a three part...

Hermione: Legolas, can we please get back on track? You two can talk about music later.


She knew what she wanted to talk about but not how to talk about these things with him. “Balian…I want to know…oh I don’t know how to…okay. I want to know why your eyes have strayed of late.

Barbossa: [as Balian] Where be me eyes? I be wantin’ them back!

You know what I mean don’t look so surprised.” She said.

Legolas: [as Balian] I don’t know what you mean. My eyes are right where they should be; in my eye-sockets.

Balian looked out the window for a minute trying to figure out how to answer. “If you’re talking about Maria,

Hermione: That’s Queen Maria to you!

Logan: He’s talkin’ about Necklace Lady, not Sibylla’s stepmother.


that’s the name of the woman who sold those necklaces, I was just well not myself that day.

Legolas: I know Balian, and he would never make such a pathetic excuse!

I know that is no excuse but that’s how it was. I just felt so much stress and was annoyed I didn’t act like myself.” He said looking at her with a sincerely sorry look on his face hoping she would understand.

Hermione: So that entire speech in which King Baldwin told him to be responsible for his actions went over the top of his head.

Anna-Maria: He didn’t meet the king. He just went to the palace and said hello, remember?


“How do you know what her name was?” Sarah said with a bit of suspicion in her voice.

Barbossa: [as Balian] It be obvious, don’t it? I asked.

“Oh…well I took a walk that night and happened to run into her.” He said noticing the suspicion in Sarah’s voice.

Hermione: I still insist that it’s Queen Maria in disguise. I wish he’d run off with her.

Sarah thought for a minute. It’s probably true. Balian is not the type to lie.

Legolas: Really? Are you sure? For someone who believes her husband is so honest, you seem to really mistrust him.

“Alright.” She said as she decided to trust him.

Balian looked at her with a concerned look.

Logan: [as Balian] I wonder if I can get an annulment?

He worried about her. After all the things which had happened lately he had reason to.

Barbossa: He be worried that she’ll get him into even more trouble by further offendin’ the princess?

Legolas: I would be.


“Sarah…do you trust me?” He asked her looking deep into her eyes.

“Yes I do trust you.” She said giving him a small smile.

Logan: Liar liar—

Hermione: —pants on fire!

Legolas: I am sorry to have to tell you this, but they didn’t have pants in those days.

*Logan goggles at him.*

Legolas: They have breeches.


“Good.” He said feeling better.

They sat in silence for a while. Then Balian finally decided to ask her a question. “Could we…sometime in the near future…try for children again?”

Logan: Sex scene!

Hermione: NO! It’s going to be bad! Help!


He asked her looking at her hopefully.

Legolas: Well, well. I guess everyone has a horny side, not including me.

Sarah thought for a moment. Oh why is he asking me that? It’s too soon to think about that. Well for me anyways he apparently is fine thinking about it. She sighed. “I suppose we could. Definitely not yet though. It’s too soon.” She said looking down at the floor doing her best to ignore his stare.

Anna-Maria: I’m scared ta think how stupid her children would be.

“Alright Sarah. If you are not ready that is fine. I can wait.” He said smiling at her to show that he wasn’t at all disappointed.

Logan: Of course he wasn’t disappointed. He didn’t have to sleep with the [CENSORED].

Hermione: Logan, how you survived in a school environment, I would never know.

Logan: You can’t censor me! That’s infringing my freedom of speech! I want to complain to the Society for the Establishment of Sporkers’ Rights!

Others: Huh?


She smiled back relieved that he wasn’t upset. Then there was a knock on the door. Apparently Balian was being asked to go back to Jerusalem to speak with the king as the previous day the king had been to weak to see anyone.

Legolas: And considering how far Ibelin was from Jerusalem, I doubt he would know how the king was feeling the day before.

“I think you should come to.

Hermione: [as Balian] That way, I can get Tiberias to lock you up in the dungeons for being a Mary Sue.

Legolas: Excuse me, Balian. The king summoned you, not your...er...lady wife.


Maybe you’ll meet someone you can spend time with after all I’m going to be pretty busy and I’d hate for you to lose your mind due to boredom.” He said smiling.

Logan: *thoughtfully* You know, Sarah can always spend her time trying to locate all of those missing commas.

Hermione: Or she can find Queen Maria, who’ll show her for what she is and then banish her from the kingdom.

Barbossa: The king be Sibylla’s brother, right?

Hermione: Yes?

Barbossa: Most brothers do not take well to other wenches callin’ their sisters names, an’ I be thinkin’ that Baldwin, bein’ the great king he is, would execute Sarah.

Legolas: That is an excellent idea, Captain Barbossa.


Sarah doubted she would but would try her best to find someone to get along with. Maybe she’d even find someone who also disliked Sybilla.

Anna-Maria: They tolerated her milksop of a husband just because of her. I don’t think you’ll find anyone who doesn’t respect Sibylla.

She smiled at the thought of that though was doubtful that if anyone did dislike her they’d say anything about it.

Hermione: Who in their right mind would? Her brother’s the king, her cousin’s the Count of Tripoli, her husband’s the lord of Ascalon and Jaffa, her uncle’s the Count of Edessa—

Logan: I get it, kid. She’s important and powerful. You don’t need to list her entire family tree. Anyway, it’s over. Let’s leave.


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Rising Again
“Is it still not dead yet?” asked Logan as the demoralized group of sporkers were pushed into the cinema. “We’ve been at this for ages!”

“And this chapter doesn’t even have bratty replies to constructive criticism,” said Hermione, flicking through her notes. She and Logan were taking turns at complaining, and everyone else was ignoring them. Barbossa was murmuring nonsense to Jack the Monkey and Anna-Maria was staring at the ceiling. Legolas, on the other hand, had his nose buried in a book, and he was balancing another pile of reading material on his other hand. He only put down his books when the lights dimmed and the screen lit up.


Calliope Foster- Well I’m glad you like it.

Legolas: Calliope Foster, let’s introduce you to some real literature. *He pulls out a large book.*

Logan: [reading] The Collected Works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. I’m not reading that!

Hermione: What’s wrong with turn-of-the-century Russian literature?


It’s gonna be even sadder for a bit I think but it will end on a happy note (the story) hopefully.

Hermione: Of course it will end on a happy note! Sibylla’s wonderful cousin, the Count of Tiberias, comes along and brings Sibylla to her senses, and then Sibylla executes Sarah and frees Balian!

I kind of let the words just flow and don’t really control much of what’s written lol.

Barbossa: Missy, I be thinkin’ that ye should start to control what’s bein’ written.

Anna-Maria: Agreed.


Alatarial Elf- I think I get it….At least I hope I do. :)

Anna-Maria: Yer not gettin’ anything! How many times do people have to tell you that yer story’s rotten to the core before you understand it?

Glad you’re still liking it!

Logan: Someone’s got low standards.

ElvenRanger13- I’m glad you’re liking it. :) Oh and your story Little Help rocks!

Latebloomer04: Thank you and I’m glad you are still liking it. I notice the errors only after I upload the chapters and then I’m usually to lazy to fix them

All: What?!

Logan: That girl is a (censored) sloth! And I’m not even allowed to curse? This is not fair! I want my rights!

Legolas: Didn’t you get Sauron’s message?

Logan: What?

Legolas: If you start campaigning for sporker’s rights, then he’ll confiscate your beer.


(even though they drive me nuts..)

*Barbossa feeds Jack the Monkey some peanuts*

so a beta would be good :) ty.

Hermione: A beta would be excellent. For one, they would teach you how to spell ‘tie’.

Logan: Actually, that’s short form for ‘thank you’.

Legolas: She can’t even write it out?

Barbossa: Letters be rationed.


I know flamers aren’t worth my time

Hermione: You mean those lovely people who took the time to point out all your problems?

Legolas: If they weren’t worth your time, then you wouldn’t have written so many paragraphs to justify yourself.


I just find it fun to play with them after all most of the time I can burn them worse than they could hope of getting me.

Anna-Maria: How exactly are you goin’ ta burn ‘em?

Sorry I took so long to update!

Barbossa: I be sorry ye updated at all.

P.S. About Sarah not throwing herself at him…she’s finally been able to resist that urge, after all she’s known him for years so his hotness doesn’t affect her quite so much.

Legolas: Balian is relatively good looking, I'll admit, but do mortal women really throw themselves at every good looking man?

Will’s pirate lass- Glad you like it and I’ll continue for as long as the bunnies tell me to. :)

Logan: Kill the bunnies!

Hermione: I’m calling the SPCA!

Legolas: It's highly unhealthy to let rabbits control your mind.


Thanks for reviewing those who did! And those who didn’t I cyber smack you! JK

Logan: [singing] L M N O P.

It’s okay lol. Hugs to all.

Okay I didn’t have the scene at the table where Guy (or Gee…whichever I’m not sure I’ll check before I put this out.)

*All snigger at the outrageous spelling of Guy’s name*

insults Balian and says the “My wife doesn’t grieve my absences, which makes her either the best of wives…or the worst.” (I’m not sure if that’s exactly how he says it but oh well) So I’m putting it here. And it’s going to be a little different due to Sarah

Legolas: If you want to put in a scene, then just do it. You don’t need to tell us what you’re going to put in your chapter!

Logan: I think she knows her writing is (censored) so she’s clarifying to make sure we understand what she’s doing. And who censored me again?


(All right Sybilla and Guy have just been announced and are just sitting down.)

Hermione: And she needs to label the scene?

Sarah looked over at Sybilla as she sat down. She didn’t look to be having a very good day either.

Anna-Maria: [to Sarah] Of course she’s not enjoyin’ her day; she’s got to have dinner with you.

Looked under her eye where there was a bit of noticeable powder.

Legolas: Who looked under whose eye?

Logan: I hope no one gouged out anyone’s eye to look under it.


That’s where I hit her. Sarah realized.

Barbossa: That be evidence enough to condemn ‘er! Quick! Call the guards! Call the executioners!

Most people would probably think that was Guy’s work, he may need her to gain power but he was still a disgusting bastard.

Legolas: And as disgusting and foolish as Guy was, he would probably know that hitting Sibylla would not make her brother the king like him more.

It wouldn’t exactly be a stretch of anyone’s imagination if he hit her now and then.

Logan: Look, I know I’m not the smartest guy around—

Hermione: Wow! You know that?

Logan: Shut up, kid. What I’m sayin’ is that I’m not a genius like Professor Xavier, but I do know that hitting the only person who can make the entire court tolerate you is a very stupid thing to do.


Sarah decided to try and be neutral with Sybilla and but on a friendly smile.

Barbossa: She be doin’ what with ‘er friendly smile?

Logan: She pasted a friendly smile on her butt?

Legolas: She put on a friendly smile. Logan, get your mind out of the gutter.

Logan: Spoilsport.


Sybilla looked up at Sarah and smiled back.

Hermione: Um, hello? She’s the one who gave you that bruise on your face. Why are you smiling at her?

She needed to see a few friendly smiles today, Guy had been quite the ass to her as soon as she had gotten back.

Legolas: Guy had been a donkey to her? What does that mean?

Logan: You really think that ‘being an ass’ means he got on all fours and said ‘hee haw’ at her? *He shakes his head.* Somebody needs to brush up on their slang.

Hermione: Actually, someone else needs to learn about medieval vocabulary.


Asking where she had been because she had not gone where she said she had. Then she had let slip that she had gone to Ibelin.

Hermione: *slapping her forehead* Cana! Sibylla’s not dumb! She said she was going to Cana and she would stick to her story! How was Guy to know the difference?

Logan: Apparently, they had satellite imagery back in the twelfth century, and Guy was the head of the KGB.


That had been quite the mistake. Luckily for Sybilla she quickly made a cover for it saying that she just wanted to know more about Balian

Anna-Maria: ‘Knowing’ can imply a number of things.

Legolas: And Sibylla would not have said something so ridiculous.


someone who would obviously be her husband’s enemy.

Barbossa: Care to explain why?

He had been pleased with that.

Legolas: So he’d been pleased with knowing that his wife wants to ‘know’ Balian, despite the fact that when a woman says that she knows a man, she could mean that she has...slept with him?

“So how many knights have you brought from France?” Raymond asked.

Hermione: Hey! Here’s Raymond!

Legolas: Raymond who?

Hermione: Raymond of Tripoli! Also known as the Count of Tiberias. He’s Sibylla’s second or third cousin!


“Fifty.” Guy replied and took a gulp of wine.

Guy then looked at Balian and Sarah. He had briefly talked to Balian but had not really noticed the girl though he remembered that she had been laying down

Barbossa: If a woman was layin’ feathers when I first saw her, then I would remember her well.

when he first saw her the day he traded his last barbs with Godfrey.

Hermione: Where is Godfrey, by the way? He can’t still be recovering from his self-inflicted sword wound in Sicily, can he?

Logan: I think he offed himself to get out of this piece of shit.

Hermione: What happened to the censor?


He looked over at her. She wasn’t dressed like a noble woman really, just a simple blue dress.

Legolas: Blue being the colour of royalty, I doubt Sarah would have had a dress of that colour.

Logan: Remember, she also has a whore’s dress.

Hermione: Hello, censor, are you awake? *She waits, but gets no response.* I think the story’s so boring that the censor’s gone to sleep.


“Who is this?” He asked looking at her with a bit of disgust.

Logan: [to Guy] Nobody important, Guy. You can just ignore her and focus on her husband.

Anna-Maria: Why would he even care about some baron’s wife?

Barbossa: He be wantin’ to sleep with her?

Legolas: Even Guy has better taste than that.


“She is my wife.” Balian said calmly though making sure Guy heard the warning in his voice.

Logan: [as Guy] Yes, well, there’s no need to be proud of it.

Not that his tone really mattered to Guy. “Oh you’re Godfrey’s bastards wife?” He said with a bit of a sneer.

Hermione: Guy, please pay attention to the important things, such as the fact that this woman’s husband is an actual baron with quite some influence in the court.

Sybilla was looking down at her plate. She wanted to make him stop talking so badly but knew not to try. She just raised her eyes and watched what was going on.

Legolas: Knowing Sibylla, she would probably just ignore her husband’s ridiculous attempts at insulting someone and pretend he doesn’t exist.

Sarah was biting her lip and giving Guy a steely look. She was obviously angry. “Please do not talk about my husband in such a way.” She managed to say calmly.

“Why shouldn’t I? It is true after all.” He said looking triumphant which made Sarah just want to beat him senseless.

Hermione: Do try that, Sarah, my dear. Guy has a big ten pound sword and the largest army in the kingdom.

Logan: Where’s the popcorn? I want to watch the result.


“There are more polite ways of saying things.” Sarah said doing her best to keep her voice calm.

Anna-Maria: Considerin’ that you don’t know said polite ways, I suggest ye shut up.

Guy just smirked and got up and said one last thing before waling away.

Legolas: Guy did what?

Logan: I think he wailed away.

Barbossa: I believe he whaled away.

Legolas: None of that makes any sense.

Hermione: Gentlemen, considering he’s on land, he walked away.


“I can’t stay to dine, I can’t eat in such bad company.”

Legolas: I can’t believe I agree with Guy de Lusignan.

Then he walked away tossing his empty goblet to a servant.

“My wife does not grieve my absences, which makes her either the best of wives, or the worst.” Guy said and walked away.

Logan: But he’s already walked away! He can’t do it twice in a row, can he?

He had good timing consider Sarah was about to grab her fork and stab it into his eye.

Hermione: An interesting sight, to be sure, because medieval people didn’t have forks. They ate with knives and hands.

Logan: And chopsticks, if you’re Chinese.


“Are you going to Kerak to see Chatillon?” Raymond asked before Guy was out of sight.

“No, why would I, someone still in good graces, go to see someone who is out of favor?” Guy said and left.

Legolas: Yes, Guy. Do leave. You’ve tried to do that three times without succeeding. I hope you do better this time.

Sarah looked over at Sybilla, and saw that she looked oddly sad. It was obvious Guy hadn’t meant anything very nice with that comment to everyone which is why Sarah supposed Raymond toasted to her.

Barbossa: She be a fool not to understand that barb of Guy’s.

“To the best of wives.” He said holding up his goblet.

Everyone raised them

Anna-Maria: They raised what?

and Sybilla said something in a language Sarah didn’t know but guessed was Arabic.

Hermione: How did she do that? It could have been Greek or Latin or Aramaic for all she knew!

“The king wishes to see Godfrey’s son.” A servant said walking up behind Raymond.

Barbossa: His Majesty the king also wishes that Godfrey’s son will use proper grammar in his royal presence.

“All right I’ll take him.” Raymond said getting up.

“No I will take him.” Sybilla said and gestures for Raymond to sit down and gets up.

Hermione: ...and switches tenses with no reason and no warning.

Balian and Sybilla then leave and Sarah is left to fend for herself.

Legolas: But Raymond’s there, along with the Hospitaller!

Everyone starts talking again and Sarah just starts eating and listens in on the conversations going on around her. None of the conversations interest her until she hears one that’s being whispered. “I bet Balian’s wife was a whore in their village.

Hermione: Here come the nasty noblewomen.

Legolas: A tiny village like that is too small to have a brothel, and one lone woman of ill-repute would have been driven out by the others.


Just look at her. And honestly how could a bastard get a respectable woman anyways.”

Hermione: How about Henry I’s bastard son, Robert, the Earl of Gloucester? He married a lord’s daughter.

A woman whispered to her friend who nodded.

Sarah bit her lip. Why did you give me such good hearing God? It’s not doing me any good, “I would like it if you did not insult me or my husband behind our backs, at least have the courage to say it to our faces.” She said to the woman who now looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

Logan: They had cars in the Middle Ages? Hey, Legolas! What sort of car did Balian drive?

Legolas: He drove a rusty pink Volkswagen Beetle, of course. What else would he drive?

Hermione: *rolling her eyes* And I guess Guy drove a big black Holden SUV.

Logan: Nah, Guy probably drove an armoured humvee with a big machine gun mounted on the top.

Hermione: And Tiberias drove a trusty blue hybrid.


“I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She said not a bit convincingly, obviously embarrassed because everyone had stopped talking and was looking at her.

“You know exactly what you said, either don’t say those things or at least when caught saying them don’t deny it like a coward.”

Legolas: Also, do not use run-on sentences.

Sarah said glaring at her, there really weren’t many things Sarah hated

Anna-Maria: Really? I got the idea that she hated a lot of things.

but this woman seemed to have one of the most annoying ones.

Logan: Even more annoying than Sibylla?

The woman excused herself and walked away, obviously very embarrassed. Sarah didn’t feel bad in the slightest to have embarrassed her, she should know not to speak about others in that way.

Legolas: My dear, it’s called gossip. The women of Balian’s time thrived on it.

Her friend smiled at Sarah and mouthed “Thank You.” to her. Sarah smiled lightly. She guessed that whoever the ‘friend’ was didn’t really like the other woman.

Hermione: And I don’t see why she should like Sarah either. All Sarah ever does is either complain about her husband’s roaming eyes or Sibylla.

Barbossa: At least this be over.

*They all leave.*


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Rising Again
The sporkers moved listlessly in their seats. “How long is this going to take?” demanded Legolas. “I promised Faramir that I was going to watch Star Wars with him tonight.”

“Why don’t you just sneak off and watch
Star Wars then?” asked Hermione.

“You think I wouldn’t have done that if I could?” said Legolas just as the lights dimmed and the screen lit up.


Chapter 11

Logan: What? Don’t we get more bratty replies?

It was a little bit after the meal which had ended shortly after her giving that woman no break due to her rudeness.

Legolas: It is also very rude to go on and on about a certain offence.

It did hurt Sarah a bit to realize how people were talking about her and Balian.

Hermione: [as other people] Poor Lord Balian. How did he end up with a woman like this?

Anna-Maria: [as other people] I hope she falls off a cliff and leaves him alone.

Barbossa: You two ain’t bein’ other people. Ye be bein’ yerselves.


She smiled at the thought of Balian, her sweet and wonderful husband.

In Sarah’s mind there was no better man than him.

Legolas: Which is very unfortunate for poor Balian, because I know just how much he would like to be free of her.

How could there be? He was honest,

Hermione: And yet Sarah is always suspicious of him.

loving,

Logan: Trying telling that to his half-brother, whom he killed.

Legolas: He didn’t kill anyone in this thing, remember?

Logan: Oh, right. So what did he do?

Hermione: Be horny and flirt with every female.


kind,

Anna-Maria: [to Sarah] And ye can stop takin’ advantage of his kindness, ya slimy bilge rat!

gentle,

Barbossa: This man hasn’t the power to lift a sword, it seems.

Legolas: This man isn’t the Balian we know.


slow to anger…usually…, forgiving, and plainly just a wonderful, wonderful man.

Logan: Yes, yes, we get it; he’s Buddha reincarnated.

She sighed and started worrying her bottom lip.

Anna-Maria: [as Sarah’s bottom lip] Stop making me worried!

She had just remembered their conversation earlier about children. She didn’t know about that.

Hermione: She’d remembered it, and yet she doesn’t know about it? That doesn’t make any sense.

Logan: I never expected it to.


The first time had been so sad, she hadn’t been able

Hermione: ...to get the hang of writing non-run-on sentences.

to get quite enough food a lot of the time considering the pregnancy had been mainly in winter and the birth had been painful.

Legolas: I’ve heard that childbirth is a painful experience, yes, but most women think that the result is worth it.

But it would most definitely make Balian happy.

Hermione: Actually, in the Middle Ages, if he wanted children, she would not have been able to say no.

The first time she saw him hold their little girl had made any pain and discomfort worth it.

Anna-Maria: Did she even love her baby, or did she just wanna make her man happy?

He got the most wonderfully happy smile on his face. She’d never seen him happier, heck the only time he had seemed to be close to that happy was when he had asked her to marry him and she had said yes.

Logan: Why the hell would he be happy about that?!

She smiled again at the thought of that day.

All day people had been giving her flowers and then running off before she could ask where they came from.

Legolas: They came from flowering plants, no doubt.

He had also dropped by her home, where she had been taking care of her new little brother, to hug her

Barbossa: I be surprised her father hadn’t gelded him and sent her away for bein’ morally loose.

and tell her about how much he loved her. She had thought it slightly odd at the time but not very.

All: Really?

Legolas: This is Balian we’re talking about; not Logan!

Logan: Hey! I wouldn’t hug her and tell her I loved her either!


That night he had apparently picked flowers and had made a ring for her over the past month, making sure it was perfect.

Anna-Maria: Wouldn’t the flowers have wilted over the month?

She chuckled thinking about how he had nervously proposed.

Hermione: He had been doing it on a dare, and had been terrified that she would say yes.

“My sweet, sweet husband.” She said to herself.

Balian had just left the King and now needed to find his wife. “I swear I should give her a necklace or bracelet with bells on it or something.” He grumbled.

Logan: Do to the cow as cows deserve.

Balian had looked all over the palace and was very frustrated.

Legolas: Why would she even be in the palace? Wouldn’t the guards have arrested her for trespassing or something?

Barbossa: These guards be lazy pox-ridden mongrels who ain’t even good for guardin’ Sparra’s dinghy.


“Where is she? I swear it’s as though she does things like this to drive me insane!”

Hermione: He’s gone insane, all right.

He grumbled yet again to himself as he sat down, unaware that his wife had heard him and was now hiding right behind him about to pounce.

Logan: Poor Balian. It’s not pleasant to be prey to a cruel heartless predator.

“As if it isn’t bad enough she gets lost at sea, nearly kills Princess Sibylla, apparently embarrasses some other woman, and now she’s lost in the palace. Brilliant, just brilliant.” He looked around hoping

Legolas: ...to see her head on a spike.

to see her walking around.

After a second he gets up and walks away

Barbossa: How does he think he’ll be seein’ anything if he doesn’t even stay ta look?

…a wee bit quicker than Sarah had thought he would. “Eep!” Balian hears behind him as well as the sound of someone falling.

“What the-?” He says as he turns around and sees his wife on the floor slowly getting up smiling innocently.

“Hello…” She says and smiles even more innocently.

Logan: Yeah, we get it. She’s tryin’ to look innocent even when she’s not. Move on.

“Hello, what were you doing?” He asked trying unsuccessfully to stop smiling in amusement.

Hermione: Why would he even be amused? His wife is making a fool of herself, and in the palace no less!

“Well I heard someone coming and I kind of just didn’t want to talk to anyone in case it was someone I…never mind that.

Legolas: In case you showed your true colours?

And then I heard you and you sat down so I figured I’d surprise you. I was just about to jump you when you decided to get up and walk away.” She explained trying to sound very innocent.

Logan: Yes! We. Know. That. One. ALREADY!

Hermione: Logan, do you need a nice soothing cuppa—I mean, bottle of beer?

Logan: I need some nice mind-numbing opium.


He chuckled and walked to her to hold her close and give her a kiss.

Anna-Maria: This is in the bloody palace!

“I love you, Sarah. If nothing else you will always make me laugh.”

Legolas: it doesn’t seem to take much to make him laugh.

He kissed her again and told her it was time to go home.

They got home and tried to relax.

Hermione: What do you mean, they went home? Ibelin was days away!

Legolas: Unless, of course, Miss Kokoi means Balian’s house in Jerusalem.


Unfortunately Balian had work to do so he couldn’t exactly just snuggle with his wife for the rest of the day. “Hmph, and we thought all nobles ever did was lounge around…”

Hermione: Actually, everyone knew that they liked to fight and kill each other most of the time.

Sarah said grumbling because she had wanted her husband’s undivided attention for a while.

Barbossa: If she wanted that, she can forget about eatin’ an’ havin’ a roof o’er her head.

“Tell me about it, at least it’s very little really I should be done in a bit. I want to…uhm…talk to you about things later.” He said and gave her a kiss on the forehead and left.

Logan: Smart guy.

“Grr…evil husband, telling me we have to talk about something later and then not telling me what. Evil man.” Sarah pouted.

Barbossa: Ye be wantin’ evil? I can give ye evil!

AN: Sorry it took so long to update my brother decided to steal the computer

Legolas: I want to thank her brother!

for a while, and then um...well I got really flippin' busy. Don't kill me!(hides)

Logan: [a la Pintel] Where are you, Poppet? Come out!

Alatarial Elf- Glad you’re liking it still. And I know! How can people be flippin’ like that? But there are people that rude (I’ve met people like that) it’s very surprising.

Hermione: Congratulations on such a high level of self-realization, Miss Kokoi.

SpeedDemon315- Whoa! I get crazy sometimes too! …okay so I’m always crazy….anyways yes he is! I wish I could cut his nuts of and shove them down his throat. Sorry If that was a bit graphic but it’s true.

All:...

I hope I didn’t make you wait to long for this chapter.

LateBloomer04- Actually it is wives he was being nice to Sybilla because of what Guy, the prick, said. It’s easy to confuse I thought you were right until I asked my dad (who saw it with me both times I’ve seen it) said he remembered it being wives. I’m glad you appreciated the nicer Sybilla and I’m going to be making her nicer unless of course a bunny green-eyed monster makes me make her a bleep again.

Logan: Nice and to the point, Hermione.

Isis- No Sarah and Sybilla aren’t friends. I doubt they ever will be.

Legolas: Can’t deny the truth of that.

Mainly because Sybilla

Barbossa: ...be much too intelligent fer the likes o’ Sarah.

likes Balian and Sarah is kind of twitchy with that stuff.

From Holy Land Crusader: Just in case you hit the delete button... I don't like that...
"I like to write like this because it is liked by people like Alatarial Elf, latebloomer04, isis, SpeedDemon315, and Fanny who like these things, maybe they are also teens so that could be why they like it."

Poor sods, I pity them if they have to step down to this level for entertainment!

"I wonder, why did you read the chapter? You don’t have to read the chapter to read the responses to the reviews. Why did you read up to chapter 6 if you didn’t like the story?"

I'm almost sure she didn't! I for one only read the review responses!

"I’d also like to know how you know so well how people acted back then? Maybe people had written about the behaviors and all but how accurate they were is really questionable."

How accurate they are? Poor idiot, ever heard of William of Tyre? He was Baldwin's tutor, for crying our loud, and you can be sure he did not ** up facts. Besides, I know this might be too much for your teenage mind to absorb, but there are such things as historians, who learn and write and teach about the period! Gee, that's news to you, is it not?

Read Bernard Hamilton, or Steven Runciman if you need good literature, but those might be too difficult for you!

"Also why can’t I modernize how they act? It’s my story and last I checked I can do what I want with it."

Not if you want people to like it, I mean, people who know what the ** they're talking about to like it. They act like stupid, hormone driven idiots, and in modernizing how they act, all you do is prove your EXTREMELY limited frame of mind.

"No one has forced you to read my fan fiction."

Boo-hoo!

"Oh and how would you know if she’d be a Mary-Sue? You don’t. You don’t have a clue if she would or not."

SHE WOULD BE! If you add a magic-user in a realistic seeting, she will be a Mary-Sue, there is absolutely NO WAY around it! Period! It would be so cliché!

"Mary-Sues are characters who are too perfect and have either a very implausible background or an overly used one. Now you might say the magic user one is not very plausible but that’s where the fantasy aspect I would add comes in."

Oh, the fantasy aspect...hmm... How would you explain her being the only one who can use magic? Openly? And she would be too perfect, and I'm sure she'd have some heart-breaking past, be revered by everyone... Why do people like you write at all? Obviously your friends like your stuff, so show it to them, but don't put it up on the net, so your stupidity becomes exposed!?

There are people, who just don't review if they don't like a story. Unfortunately for you, I say what I think, and if a story deserves what you might call "flames", I flame. Plain and simple. Hate on me all you like, kid, I'm a grown guy, I can survive.

Erik

*Applause*

Sauron: *poking his head in* I might need to check with Voldemort to see if one of his prisoners escaped.



HolyLandCrusader- I’ve read Bernard Hamilton actually.

Hermione: Read it, or just flicked through the pages?

Legolas: I know Bernard Hamilton. He wrote a book which Fran should have read for her essay, but didn’t. Silly girl.


I have studied the middle ages plenty,

Logan: Translation—she watched A Knight’s Tale and Kingdom of Heaven.

*He lights a cigar, and then decides to put it away in his pocket for later use.*

the crusades aren’t something I know a whole lot about

Hermione: So do some bloody research!

Logan: Hermione, are you all right? No, I thought not. Here, take my beer.


but I can write about it if I wish. If you want a completely correct piece of work don’t look at mine, I’m having fun.

All: We’re not!

I am not trying to be correct. Just so you know my father is a historian (gasp)

*All gasp.*

Barbossa: Yer father would be ashamed of ye!


I know a lot about history ( another gasp)

Legolas: Actually, I’m rolling my eyes at this obvious untruth.

he likes to go on and on about it.

Hermione: And you like to ignore it.

Just because I don’t show my knowledge doesn’t mean it isn’t there. As I have said this is for fun so I am not trying to be very accurate.

Anna-Maria: Bad excuses aren’t going to stop me from keel-haulin’ ya.

Oh and historians (especially then) could be bought to say what people wanted them to.

Hermione: Do you really think William of Tyre, who was the tutor to two kings, could be bought? He reprimanded kings!

People all have their price. And no she wouldn’t be a Mary-Sue.

Logan: [sarcasm] Really? [/sarcasm]

In the story (which I intend on writing because someone was interested and there may be other people interested as well) she wouldn’t be revered, there would be a lot of people who do magic but because of how witchcraft was persecuted and all they would obviously hide. Guess what? I also intend on adding more fantasy to it because it might be interesting.

Balian: [over the intercom] And you’ll also be polluting my world!

Heartbreaking past? Nope, a happy one actually, just about as happy as most peoples. The people who like my story aren’t my friends, I don’t know who they are beyond the names they put on here. I can put my writing wherever I want it’s none of your business. Don’t like, don’t read,

Hermione: How are we supposed to know we don’t like it unless we read it?

this isn‘t me whining

Barbossa: She be obviously in denial.

so cut the boo hoo crud this is me telling you to get a grip

Legolas: And this is me telling you to use full-stops and capital letters.

and that I don‘t care if you don‘t like my story but if you don‘t like it don‘t bother with it. If I start reading something and it’s stupid or something I tell the author,

Hermione: This is exactly what the Crusader is telling you!

if I feel like it’s worth the time, what I don’t like and stop reading.

Legolas: Valar! We are all dead sporkers and English grammar has come to an end!

Hermione: That’s a very...interesting rephrasing of Raymond of Tripoli’s speech.


People like me write because we want to and because other people like it.

Anna-Maria: Get this: We don’t like it!

I write stories I’d like to see written, that is how a person should write because if you don’t like your own work why would anyone else like it? You really shouldn’t insult the intelligence of someone you don’t know at all. It makes you look extremely stupid.

Logan: Little girl, only one person is looking stupid and it’s not the Crusader.

Also swearing makes you look less intelligent, you can very easily get your point across without it.

Barbossa: There be times, when faced with such tripe, that even the most respectable men cannot refrain from cursin’.

Not unfortunate for me about you saying what you don’t like, I appreciate it. It’s nice to know that there are people who speak their minds even if it isn’t what I might want to hear. I very much believe in freedom of speech. I won’t be hating you because I don’t care enough to it’s really not worth my time.

Hermione: Liar liar—

Logan: Holy! Is that smoke I smell? [censored]! I forgot to put out my cigar! *He pours Legolas’ coffee to douse his smouldering jeans.*

Hermione: I guess I don’t need to finish what I was saying before.


I have better things to do than bother hating you, you shouldn’t flatter yourself this is the most of my time you will earn.

Legolas: If you think that this brick did not take a lot of time to write, then you are sorely mistaken.

If you review again maybe you’ll be granted more time with a response

Anna-Maria: Why would he even bother about coming to look at this eyesore again?

but probably not unless I want to have some more fun. Oh and to your second review, I don’t delete reviews like yours. I may not like it but oh well that’s your opinion, I am now going to delete the first one because doubles are annoying at least when they are long. And you do realize that if I were a touchy writer I could just block your id number right? Just making sure.

Laurelindorenae- I’m glad you like the story so much! I’m really glad you like Sarah too.

Logan: Why would anyone like that bitch? Hey, has the censor gone on strike?

I figured that I was spelling it wrong but I decided I liked it better my way but I will change it to how it is so people won’t tweak on me.

Hermione: [flatly] You haven’t changed it yet.

Legolas: Is it over now?


Author’s Note:

Just want peoples

Hermione: Can I hit her with the dictionary now?

to know I have not given up on ANY of my stories updates are coming. I had hard drive trouble

Logan: Oh, wow. Even her computer realizes what shit her writing is!

which has now been fixed so I will have some of my stories updated by this time next week for sure. I'm sorry it has taken so long but you know how computers are.

The screen darkened, and Sauron stepped in. “Let’s see,” he said. “That was written at the beginning of 2006, and she hasn’t done much since. I declare this story dead.”

The sporkers let out whoops of delight, and Logan went about slapping everyone on the back, almost knocking Hermione off her feet.

“Don’t be too happy yet,” warned the Dark Lord. “There are more to come.” He flipped through his notebook. “Miss Kokoi has written the beginning of yet another Balian romance, without Sibylla, of course, although I have this nagging suspicion that you’ve had enough of her for a while. Never say that I am completely without mercy.”

“Indeed, you are very merciful,” said Legolas dryly. Sauron ignored him.

“Aha!” said the Dark Lord. “I have it. This is a wonderful story in which Balian acquires a babysitter, or should I say, ‘knight-sitter’?”

The sporkers looked at each other.

“Can I swap places with someone else from the other spork team?” asked Logan.


MSTer’s note: Raymond of Tripoli’s line went like this: “Lord God! We are all dead men and the kingdom has come to an end!”
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