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The Path We Walkpart 1: the MST; Vampire Sues in Middle Earth!
Topic Started: Aug 24 2008, 06:55 PM (587 Views)
Mathonwy
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Waiting For Tomorrow
As it's the custom in these parts, I thought I'd contribute an MST of a quite loathsome Sue I found on ff.net. You can read the original story here; reviews here!

Title: The Path We Walkpart 1: the MST
Author: Mathonwy
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Parody, MST
Text based on: Lord of the Rings, The Path We Walkpart 1
Characters: Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Saruman.
Summary: The ultimate weapon has fallen into Saruman’s hands. No, not that one. Vampire Sues loose in Middle Earth – can our heroes resist?
Warnings: Language. And badfic.

Disclaimer: ‘The Lord of the Rings’ belongs to the estate of JRR Tolkien, and the story opens with a quote from ‘The White Rider’. The world of ‘The Path We Walkpart 1’ belongs to blackxrosexvampire, who (as far as I am aware) is still with us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prologue: An Old Man, Clothed in Grey

“I see it, I see it now!” hissed Gimli. “Look, Aragorn! Did I not warn you? There is the old man. All in dirty grey rags: that is why I could not see him at first.”

The three companions lay hidden in a thicket of bracken, watching the stooped figure as he drew nearer. Suddenly a broad smile crossed Legolas’ face, and he clapped a hand on the dwarf’s shoulder. “Do not fear! I know what is in your mind, friend Gimli, but it is not the wizard of Orthanc who approaches.”

Perplexed, the dwarf raised his eyebrows. “Then who?”

“Do you not recognise the approach of an old friend?” asked Legolas. “That is none other than Mithrandir, returned to us through fire and darkness. Nay, do not look at me like that, Gimli! I have not taken leave of my senses. He obviously battled with the Balrog as he fell, plunged into the dark waters at the root of the world, chased his foe up the endless stair and threw him down the mountainside of Celebdil to his ruin. Then he must have strayed out of thought and time, and been sent back by the Valar for a brief time until his task was done.”

Gimli had some difficulty formulating a reply. “You think?” he eventually croaked.

Legolas beamed. “Now I come to consider the matter, no other explanation could possibly make sense.”

Gimli groaned softly. “Aragorn, please rid this addled elfling of his delusions.”

“No, Gimli,” said Aragorn, shaking his head, “strange though it might seem, I believe Legolas to be correct.”

“What! But – but look at his robes! He is clothed all in white beneath those rags!”

Aragorn shrugged. “Clearly the Valar promoted him when he was sent back. He must have been awarded a new colour or something.” He caught Legolas’ eye and they both nodded, clearly pleased with their incisive reasoning.

The dwarf glanced expectantly from face to face, as if seeking a punchline that never came. “Even if I allow all the above – why in Durin’s name would Gandalf be wandering around in the middle of Fangorn?”

“Why, where else would he go?” asked Legolas, bewildered in his turn. “The problems of Edoras and Minas Tirith can wait. Far more important to catch up with old friends, and pass on some cryptic doggerel from the Lady of Lothlórien!”

Gimli made as if to rise. “Right, that’s it!”

“What are you doing, Gimli? asked Aragorn.

“I’m off to find Frodo and Sam, even if I have to run all the way to the walls of Mordor. Clearly everyone else in the Fellowship have lost their minds.”

Legolas laughed, gazing fondly at his friend. “Gimli, your caution is to be credited, but you will soon see your error. Come, I will show you!”

“What? No!”

But Gimli’s desperate lunge was too late, and his hands grasped naught but air. The elf had already leapt from their shelter, and was waving enthusiastically at the old man. “Yoo-hoo!” he called. “Gandalf – over here! It’s us!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“And I still maintain,” said Legolas in an even tone, “that the facial resemblance was quite remarkable.”

Gimli grunted, his thoughts elsewhere. There was an abominable itch in the small of his back. Scratching it was proving out of the question, what with his arms chained to the wall above him and his feet similarly bound. Nor were Legolas and Aragorn in a position to help, being trussed just as securely themselves. Gimli sighed at the futility of his contortions, and leaned his head against the rough basalt wall of the cell.

“Well I must congratulate you, Master Elf,” he replied. “We wished to catch up with our hobbit friends, and behold! Here we are, brought with marvellous speed to the very dungeons of Isengard itself. I’m sure that Merry and Pippin will be along in a moment. Perhaps they could rescue us.”

“As I have been trying to make plain, it was a mistake anyone could have made.”

Gimli twisted to his left and glared at Legolas’ profile. “Oh no, not anyone. You’re special.”

“Quiet, you two!” The interruption came from Aragorn, who had been sunk in silent contemplation on the far side of the room. “Or perhaps you would prefer me to leave you behind when I escape from this cell?”

“Escape?” laughed Gimli, and rattled his chains reproachfully. “From here?”

Aragorn lifted his head and gave a conspiratorial smile in reply. “Trust me, my friends. I have been in similar positions many times before, and there is always a way. Sometimes it is simple matter of digging a tunnel, or waiting for the guards to get drunk. Perhaps a passing maidservant will fall passionately in love with me and obtain the keys. On occasion I have even crawled to freedom through something called a ...” and here he paused, his brow furrowing in recollection, “a ‘ventilation shaft’”.

“Then we are to be free?” cried Legolas joyfully.

Aragorn shrugged. “Something always seems to turn up. Now here,” and he glanced up at his shackled wrists, “this lock could easily be picked, if I could work a hairpin into my hands.”

Legolas stared at the bedraggled ranger in wonder. “You have a hairpin?”

“No,” he said, deflating slightly. “Do you?”

“No.”

“I don’t either,” supplied Gimli.

“Thank you, Gimli; I suspected as much ...” Aragorn broke off, as the sound of distant footsteps filtered down to the cell. “Hush! That will be the maidservant. Now gentlemen, if you will excuse me I must make myself forlorn and irresistible.” With that, he swooned against his chains in a rather fey manner.

“Oh – I can do that!” Legolas immediately followed suit.

Gimli rolled his eyes. “And I for one would prefer to maintain some measure of self-respect.”

The grim iron doors slowly ground open. But it was no serving wench who entered the room. In walked the old man from Fangorn, now clad in robes that shimmered with all the colours of the rainbow as he moved. His beard and hair were long and white – though still touched by black in places – and his dark eyes glittered with amusement. In his right hand he held an intricately-carved white staff, while his left clutched a battered leather tome.

“Ooh, look!” muttered Gimli, with a withering glare at Legolas. “It’s Gandalf!”

Saruman ignored the aside and smiled almost pleasantly at his captives. “Good morning, my friends – I trust you have recovered from the rigours of your journey? Well, no matter. There is much that we should talk of.” His voice was rich and compelling, and it was with an effort that the companions resisted its enchantments.

Eventually Aragorn looked up and returned the wizard’s gaze with cool disregard. “We have nothing to say to you, Saruman. Do what you will, but know that we will fight you to the last.”

“Fight? I have not brought you here to fight!” Saruman laughed merrily. “I seek allies, not roll-call for the executioner. I do not know what follies Mithrandir has led you on, but you must know that that way lies destruction. Come! There is much evil in Middle Earth that should be healed, and much that would be made right when we rule it. Man of the North, do you not wish the see the pride of Númenor returned? Say the word, and it shall be. And Master Elf,” here he turned to Legolas, “Greenwood the Great could be restored to you and your kin for the rest of time, if you would but join with me. And ...” he frowned at Gimli, “the dwarf probably wants some gold or beer or something.”

Gimli scowled. “Our honour is not to be sold for trinkets, wizard. Take your forked tongue elsewhere!”

A spasm of anger crossed the wizard’s face for a moment, but soon passed. “Well, it is your right to be obstinate. But –” and his voice grew cold, “know that by the end, it will be your dearest wish to submit to my commands.”

“You propose to torture us?” asked Aragorn, affecting disinterest.

“By no means. In fact, I am going to tell you a story.”

“Good!” said Legolas defiantly. “I like stories!”

“Do you now?” Saruman smirked and rested his staff against the far wall of the cell, and then opened the ancient book he carried. “These are some of my most treasured ones. Tales of dark power from another time and another place, that I searched for for many years. I have had them translated into serviceable Westron, though the effort cost the sanity of some of my best servants.” He rested his hand on the open page and chanted briefly in a strange, sibilant tongue. “I know you brave warriors do not fear the rack or the whip. But what, I wonder, would you do against the power of the Sue!”

With that, he gave a great cry, ripped the page from the book and flung it against the far wall. It burst with a dull red flame, and the wall began to glow with an unnatural, innate radiance. The air in the chamber chilled, and strange sigils swirled across the stonework. Saruman slammed the book shut in satisfaction and picked up his staff.

“You will forgive me, but I have business elsewhere. The story you are about to ...” and here the wizard paused to savour the word, “enjoy is a piece by the bard blackxrosexvampire, called “The Path We Walkpart 1”. I hope you enjoy the performance. Good day, gentlemen!”

With that, the wizard walked to the door, which opened silently at his gesture. It slammed shut behind him with a dull thud, which reverberated long through the darkened chamber. Words had begun to form on the wall, spelled out in a livid red.

Gimli broke the silence first. “This dark sorcery does not bode well. What manner of tale is this, Aragorn?”

“I do not know,” said Aragorn, looking uneasy for the first time since his capture, “but I fear we will find out soon enough. There are dark times ahead, my friends. Only one thing can protect us now.”

Legolas closed his eyes in supplication. “Ai! Sweet Elbereth, save us!”

“Actually, I was thinking of sarcasm.”

“Oh.”

But there was nothing more to say, and as the terrible Words crawled up the wall there was nothing to do but read them.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
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Mathonwy
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Waiting For Tomorrow
Chapter One: It Begins

The three companions lolled in their chains, helpless in the grip of the Words ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: Meh! I don't own anything.
A/N: j0 everyone.

ALL: (grumbling) j0 yourself.

My new fanfic! Don't worry, I'll still be updating Along the Way (I know, I'm getting lazy, lol...). Enjoy!

GIMLI: Promises, promises ...

Chapter One: It Begins
I stare as a bunch on hobbits walk into the prancing pony.

ARAGORN: Thud!
LEGOLAS: Neigh!
GIMLI: Stupid horses ...


Their eyes are wild, at least the blue-eyed one's are.

LEGOLAS: The rest have livid nostrils and playful earlobes.

I yawn and lean back in my chair. Ah, so, this is the great ring-bearer. I yawn again, and hope that something will happen very soon.

GIMLI: Yeah. Right there with you.

Imur

LEGOLAS: Imur?
ARAGORN: *shrugs* Imur.


is telling them how they have nice rooms for hobbits. I snort. Yeah, I guess you could call them that.

ARAGORN: Yeah, they’ve got lots of names for hobbits in Bree.
GIMLI: *growls* I’ve got lots of names for blackxrose.


I redirect my attention to Strider. I know his past well. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and heir to Isildur's throne (though I know he would never admit it).

LEGOLAS: (panicky!Aragorn) “No, no, no! I’m Bob, Bob Thistledown, the goatherd from Staddle. Uh, Aragorn who?”

I don't know him personally, but I have read his mind. It's easy when you're a vampire. I lick my fangs. I'm hungry.

ARAGORN: You know, blackxrose will be a wonderful storyteller when she learns to write in joined-up sentences.
LEGOLAS: (surprised) Really?
ARAGORN: No, not really.


"Bartender!" I yell, "A pint of human blood!"

ARAGORN: (impressed) Wow, Barliman’s really expanded the range of beers at the Pony.

The hobbits stare at me as if I were going to drink their blood. I flash my fangs in an evil smile, and they look away. I laugh. The ring-bearer goes by the name of "Underhill". I search his mind, and find that his real name is Frodo Baggins. Well, that name isn't very honorable either.

GIMLI: (heavily) Says the *vampire*.

"Meow!"
I look down to see my black cat,. Hikari, staring at me. I have her with me because

LEGOLAS: Someone has to be the brains of the operation.

seeing her form allows me to transform into a black cat. And she is my animal counterpart.

ARAGORN: For she too likes to lick herself and crap in a box.

I smile, "Hello, puss."
I feel a presence coming up behind me. Another vampire, I'm sure. And sure enough, a boy with shoulder-length black hair appears.

GIMLI: No!
LEGOLAS: Aie!
ARAGORN: Not ... shoulder length hair! The horror!


His blood-red eyes and black-feathered wings make him an unmistakable vampire.

LEGOLAS: It’s those little give-away signs ...

He might have come to hit on me. I am quite a pretty vampire.

ARAGORN: Who am I kidding? I’m gorgeous!
GIMLI: And talented!
LEGOLAS: And modest! lol!!!!!!111111!!111
*pause*
ARAGORN: What was that?
LEGOLAS: Sorry, don’t know what came over me there.


He doesn't look bad himself.

LEGOLAS: Though obviously not as pretty as me!

We vampires are elegant, in our own dark sort of way.
"What do you want?" I ask him.

ARAGORN: “Oh, you know. Plot, characterisation, vague respect for canon. What’cha got?”

"A kiss," He says, flashing his fangs, "I'm--"
"Pheneus." I finish casually for him, "And that cat's your animal counterpart, Ryu."
"Touché, Remi." He shoots back at me,

GIMLI: And I am skewered with a crossbow bolt. The end.
ALL: Hooray!


grinning. The grin is a taunting, provocative one. We vampires hardly smile from happiness the way humans do.

ARAGORN: And believe me: after I’m through with my readers, no-one’s going to be smiling.

I sigh, "Go away. If you wish to know more, I'm 500, but my body is 15.

GIMLI: And I have a mental age of two!

That cat is my animal counter part, Hikari."
He licks his fangs, "I'll be back for you, baby."
I growl, as he disappears, and turn my attention back to the hobbits. One of them (Pippin, I decipher) is staring at his friend (Merry's) beer.

LEGOLAS: (drunk!Pippin) “Hail traveller from distant lands! We bring greetings from the Shire!”

"They come in pint's?" He asks,

GIMLI: *winces* “Pint’s”?
LEGOLAS: Poor apostrophe, it deserves better than that.
GIMLI: Don’t we all?


"I'm getting one."
I watch as Pippin walks over to Imur, and asks for a pint of beer. I grimace. I hate beer. It tastes like shit.

ARAGORN: Well – so far, so does your prose, blackxrose.

Who was that Pheneus? And I was correct, he did want to hit on me. Ugh. I should have drained his blood out when I had the chance.

LEGOLAS: She’s such a sweet girl ...

"I'll be back for you, baby."? Whatever.
I direct my attention towards Strider. This time he notices me. He is passive, until he realizes that I have black wings and blood-red eyes.

GIMLI: (lusty!Aragorn) Heyyy, who’s the cute balrog in the corner ... hang on a minute.

Then he scowls, and I think he has lowered his barriers so that I can read his mind.

LEGOLAS: Though tragically, I have none of my own.

Humans can't send mind messages. Vampires can.

ARAGORN: Nyah nyah nyah! Humans SUCK!
GIMLI: And hobbits suck WORSE!


Fowl creature,

ARAGORN: (chicken) Squawk!

I see you looking at the ring-bearer and his friends. I'm sure you have read his mind .

GIMLI: You will have found it unexpectedly roomy.

Do not hunt them, for we taste my blade, He thinks.

LEGOLAS: “We taste my blade”?
GIMLI: Threats like that, no wonder you never got any respect in Eriador.


I send him back a message, Hahaha. Men are such fools.

*Legolas opens his mouth*
ARAGORN: Legolas! Much. Too. Easy.


I came here to help guard the ring-bearer. But first I stopped by Rivendale.

LEGOLAS: Rivendell was shut for repair work.

You see, like you, I am a ranger.

GIMLI: Boy, they’re letting anyone join the Dúnedain these days.
ARAGORN: (Officer!Aragorn) Right men, we have a new recruit joining us today. Now some of you may have noticed that she’s a glowing-eyed bloodsucking demon, but ... wait! Come back, men! Where are you going ...?


Your dear Evenstar bids you hello.

*Aragorn’s jaw drops*

Arwen? What do you know of her? Is she well? Strider's eyes are open wide.

GIMLI: “No, of course not, you silly man – I ate her! Bwhahahahaha!!!”

But I don’t answer, because Hikari mews, and point in Pippin's direction.
"Underhill? Him?" Pippin is saying, more than a little drunk, "That's Baggins, that is. Frodo Baggins."
I growl. What an asshole.

ARAGORN: I love the swearing. Blackxrose sounds like a seven-year old trying to act tough.
LEGOLAS: That mature?


Looks like things are going to happen sooner than I expected.
Strider gets up,

ARAGORN: And gets the HELL OUT OF THIS STORY!
GIMLI: Easy Aragorn, calm down there ...


and I send mental message to him, What's your room number?

LEGOLAS: 379 at the Dol Amroth Grand. Please go there at once. Bye!

5, He thinks back. I head to his room, and wait for him to come.
Strider walks in, and throws Frodo on the floor. I have shape-shifted into a cat, and I now

ARAGORN: Am being eaten by a wire-haired terrier. Damn!

sit in the corner with Hikari.
Frodo scrambles to his feet, his eyes wild, "What do you want from me?"
"A little more caution from you. That is no trinket you carry," Strider answers.
"I carry nothing," Frodo states, but I can hear the slight waver in his voice. Pitiful hobbit, never been out of the Shire.

GIMLI: *sighs* Does blackxrose even like anyone in this story?
LEGOLAS: She likes Remi well enough.
GIMLI: *rolls eyes* Well, who wouldn’t?


"Indeed," Strider replies sarcastically, "I cant avoid being seen, if I wish. But to disappear entirely-"
Strider takes a moment to remove his hood.

LEGOLAS: (couture!Frodo) Ooh! I love what you’ve done with your hair!

"-that is a rare gift."
"Who are you?" Frodo challenges.
"Are you afraid?" Strider asks, and it sounds like a taunt to me.
Frodo nods, "Yes."
Strider's reply is, "Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you."

ARAGORN: “She’s hunting me too. C’mon, let’s get out of here and take our chances with the Black Riders.”

At this point, the hobbits Sam, Pippin, and Merry burst in. Sam shouts, "Let him go! Or I'll have you, Longshanks!"
"Pfffffftttt! Hahahahahahaha!"

GIMLI: (falsetto) “I just did an enormous fart! Hee!”

I cannot hold in the laughter that overwhelms me, and I change back to my human form, although I am in the shadows still.
Strider rolls his eyes, "Vampire, reveal yourself from the shadows.

ARAGORN: “And sod off.”

And you, you have a stout heart, little hobbit.

LEGOLAS: Oh, Aragorn’s got a stutter! That’s so sweet!
*Aragorn growls*


But that will not save you now. Gandalf will not come, Frodo. They're coming."
I stay in the shadows, amused at the faces of the hobbits.

ARAGORN: “Hee! Pippin’s got bogies coming out of his nose!”

Hikari stays too. Pippin and Merry are looking into the shadows for me, but I blend in perfectly.

LEGOLAS: They give up and everyone ignores me for the rest of the story.
GIMLI: *sighs* We wish.


Sam and Frodo seem to be wondering who "They" are.
Strider rolls his eyes again, "Vampire, I said reveal yourself."
I smirk, and step out of the shadows, "That's, Remi. And the cat's Hikari."

ARAGORN: “Hikari, welcome to the Fellowship. Just lose the stupid vampire, will you?”

Frodo and the other hobbits stare at me. I laugh, "What? I don't bite, unless if I'm hungry.

GIMLI: Well, that’s reassuring.

But you should get some rest. You're safe with Strider and me."

LEGOLAS: Yup, little fellas! Don’t mind the sinister red-eyed monster – I’m a real sweetie once you get to know me!

The hobbits eventually fall asleep,

GIMLI: ... from boredom.

and I find myself sitting on the windowsill across from Strider. Both of us are waiting for the Nazgúl, we know they will come.

ARAGORN: “Hmm. Maybe when the Nazgûl attack, I can accidentally set her on fire in the confusion ...”

Hikari is on my lap, and I am stroking her neck.
Strider stares at me, "May I ask you something? How did you know my name? How old are you? How old is the body you are in? So you are a vampire? Why are you here? How is my Arwen? Do you accompany us to Rivendale?"
I smile devilishly, "Yes. Telekinesis. 500. 15. Yes. Because. Fine. Yes."

GIMLI: Hey, that’s great – why don’t we do the whole story as random lists of words?
LEGOLAS: Good, next chapter: Remi.
GIMLI: Enraged mob.
ARAGORN: Big pit.
LEGOLAS: Whoops!
GIMLI: 500-ton boulder.
ARAGORN: Splat.
GIMLI: The end.
LEGOLAS: It’ll probably be better than the real thing.
*pause*
ARAGORN: Did she just say she communicated with telekinesis?


"So then," he asks, "You serve the ring-bearer."
"I serve no man," I growl,

LEGOLAS: “I’m too moronic to get hired! I even failed my Minion Exams ...” (sobs)

"As it is, I'm here because I was bored. Vampires prefer to live life on the edge."

GIMLI: “Good!” said Aragorn, and decapitated me with his sword.

The rest of the night goes in silence. The first noise we hear, is the screech of the Nazgul, fooled by our fake beds.

LEGOLAS: (Nazgûl 1) “Curses! This isn’t cedarwood!”
GIMLI: (Nazgûl 2) “I demand a refund!”


This wakes the hobbits.
"Who are they?" Frodo asks.
Strider looks distant,

ARAGORN: “Dunno. I think room service is getting a bit frisky.”
LEGOLAS: (bemused) “Room service”?


"They are the Nazgul. They were once 9 great kings of men. Sauron the Deceiver gave them 9 rings of power. Blinded by their greed, they took them without question, one-by-one, falling into darkness. They are neither dead nor alive. and they will stop at nothing to find you, Frodo."

GIMLI: “And frankly, I’d still rather have them around than Remi.”

"We leave, then?" I ask.

ARAGORN: “No, we leave. You’re staying here.”

Strider nods, "We leave."
A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope j00 liked it!

GIMLI: No. j00 really, really didn’t.

Remi

LEGOLAS: Remi?
ARAGORN: So, we’re not over-identifying with our heroine here, are we?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With that, the Words began to fade and the chamber fell back into blissful semi-darkness.

“Ugh! That was unpleasant,” gasped Legolas. “Can we go now?”

“No,” sighed Aragorn.

“Why not?”

“Well, we’re still chained to the wall.”

The captives settled back into a gloomy silence. At last, Gimli spoke. “You know what really worries me?”

Aragorn twisted towards him. “You mean, apart from ...?” He nodded towards the Wall of Fic and grimaced.

“No. What really worries me –” and Gimli stopped and swallowed, “is that this is only The Path We Walk ... Part One.”

Aragorn and Leoglas both paled, and looked at each other in horror.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
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Mathonwy
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Waiting For Tomorrow
Chapter Two: The Road to Rivendale

It was the afternoon of the third day of their captivity. A thin shaft of sunlight peeped down from the skylight, bringing a faint glow to the companions’ new sitting-room. After the first day, Saruman had appeared to show some pity for his guests, and had them unchained and moved to a more salubrious set of rooms. These were comfortably appointed according to the fashions of men, and would have been almost homely if the situation had been otherwise. They were filled with strange artefacts from the dark world that Saruman had discovered: included, he had explained with a laugh, so that the companions could better appreciate the unique qualities of his stories. By now the main room was a shambles, littered with half-read comic books, discarded DVDs and rogue pieces of popcorn. Legolas sat amidst this mess, reading a copy of ‘Dracula’ with studious intensity. Occasionally, he would pause to underline part of the text and scribble something down in the notepad at his side. Beside him, Gimli perched tentatively on a space hopper. Of Aragorn there was no sign, though the dull sound of hammering filtered through from an adjoining room.

“Still nothing?” asked Gimli, chancing a couple of experimental bounces.

Legolas turned and shook his head. Aragorn had not taken well to incarceration, and every waking moment of his seemed devoted to ever-more grandiose escape plans. Yesterday, he had tried forging release forms, disguising himself as a washerwoman and an Easterling cavalry captain, and even – on the inspiration of some daredevil called Spiderman – attaching suction cups to his feet and crawling up to the skylight. All these efforts had proved futile. This morning he had risen early, grabbed an armful of books and movies and retreated to the sanctuary of his room. Since then, he had been locked in solitary study, disdaining all attempts to engage him in conversation.

Gimli grunted. “Well, he might at least tell us what his latest bold plan is.”

“You must remember,” replied Legolas, “that Aragorn has had to suffer far more than either of us. The story was horrifying enough in itself, but the degradation of actually appearing in it ...” He smiled sadly. “We should be thankful, Gimli, that we are too unimportant to feature in tales such as these.”

The moment of contemplation was broken when Aragorn suddenly stepped from his room, a look of grim triumph on his face and a large wooden construction under his arm.

“Aragorn!” cried Legolas. “There you are! We were worried for you.”

“There was not need for concern, my friend,” said Aragorn. “Indeed, I have never felt better.”

“This is good to hear,” said Gimli. “And what’s that you’re carrying?”

Aragorn laid the device on the floor, where it rested on four stubby legs “This,” he intoned, “is freedom.”

“More precisely?” asked Gimli, sharing a look with Legolas.

Aragorn laughed. “It would seem that in providing us with knowledge of this strange new world, Saruman has made a fatal error. I have spent all day studying the annals of those in similar straits to ourselves, and behold! No dungeon can ever hold us now. This,” and he gave his creation an affectionate pat, “is known as a ‘wooden horse’, and it has been used in all the best prison escapes.”

Legolas looked intrigued. “What does it do?”

“It ...” Aragorn looked at the wooden horse intently, and his face fell. “Um ... I don’t know. Maybe, a battering ram?” He sighed and slumped on the sofa, where he tore open a bag of popcorn with every sign of irritation. “Perhaps I can build a motorbike.”

A rich, chiming note echoed through the room, and Legolas paled.

“What’s that?” asked Aragorn through a mouthful of popcorn.

“It is the fanfic sign,” said Gimli, and shuddered.

Though he had moved his captives to more comfortable accommodations, Saruman had one final warning for them. The Words are under my command now, he had said. Wherever you try to run, wherever you try to hide, the story will follow you, and you will have no choice but to read. Legolas and Gimli summoned up what courage that remained, and joined Aragorn on the sofa. The Words were already forming on the wall over the fireplace, which Aragorn suddenly looked at with wild surmise.

“No,” said Gimli firmly. “You’ll get stuck.”

Legolas gave a weak smile. “You never know, the story may improve.”

“Indeed,” agreed Aragorn. “It might end.”

The light in the room dimmed and the Words glowed with blood-red menace. The second chapter was about to begin ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: None mine! Except for Remi and Hikari and Pheneus and Ryu! Them I made up!

LEGOLAS: Thank the Valar. I’d begun to fear they were real.

A/N: I hope you enjoy this next chapter. Please no flames,

ARAGORN: Flames? A little harsh.
GIMLI: Boiling in oil would surely be sufficient.


but if you do, I won't pay attention (God, you people have been flaming me like... Okay if you think this story is crap DONT REVIEW OR READ IT!).

LEGOLAS: Oh, if we only could ...

And I see some mistakes in my previous chapter,

GIMLI: Hmm. I suppose you could say that.
LEGOLAS: A bit like how Ar-Pharazôn’s reign didn’t go quite as perfectly as everyone had hoped.
ARAGORN: (Ar-Pharazôn) I was a great king! Just look at my incomes policy and the tax breaks for new businesses. Why does everyone have to keep going on about the Sauron thing?


but I'm not sure how to edit,

LEGOLAS: Or indeed, how to write.

so if you know how, please inform. Aragorn says "You'll taste my blade."

GIMLI: Yeah, that’s it. That was the mistake.
ARAGORN: Apart from that, your story was perfect.


After Remi ((my fake name))

LEGOLAS: Over-identifying much?

there is no s. I was saving and the computer messed up.

ARAGORN: (Sneer) Sure. The computer messed up. You were blameless.

Oh, and after I go to Aragorn room there are supposed to be stars, but they didn't show up.

GIMLI: Huh?

Chapter 2- The Road to Rivendale
We are walking through a forest, and the hobbits won't shut up.

GIMLI: Yeah, damn hobbits.
LEGOLAS: Yammering on all the time.
GIMLI: Taking attention away from people who deserve it more.
LEGOLAS: I think we should hear more from Remi.


Strider and I have been communicating by the telekinesis.

ARAGORN: And again with the telekinesis!
LEGOLAS: (peevish!Aragorn) "Ow! Will you stop bouncing rocks off my cranium, Remi?"


It is the simple process of Strider thinking, me reading his mind and sending back a message. Strider seems less hostile towards me, almost fond of me.

ARAGORN: Clearly concussed from all this telekinesis.

I allow myself to like him a little, because he is an outcast like me.

GIMLI: Yeah, ‘cos one of you is an exiled king devoting his life to battling the forces of Mordor, and the other ... (sighs) Oh, what’s the point?

I don't think the hobbits trust us, Strider observes.
What do you expect? I answer sarcastically, A vampire, and an outcast ranger. Not a very friendly sounding pair are we?

ARAGORN: Half right, Remi, half right.

I suppose not, Strider replies.
Beautiful, I didn't think I'd find you again.
I tense and think to myself, Could that have been Strider?

GIMLI: No. I don’t think you can get that concussed, Remi.

No, the voice was different. It was... younger. I've heard it before, it was-

ARAGORN: (Remi) Mom! No!
LEGOLAS: (Mrs Remi) You are in so much trouble, young lady. Go and tidy your room this instant!


My eyes open wide, -Pheneus!
I don't realize that I have sent this to him with my mind, until Pheneus answer's, Hey Beautiful, considered my request for a kiss yet?
Shut up, I answer. Vampires like to pick fights with each other, each provoking the other to strike back with words.

GIMLI: I like the sound of that. Remi, let’s play a game!

Make me, Pheneus answers.
Leave. My tone is challenging, and dangerous.

LEGOLAS: For a seven-year old.

Pheneus's response has a smirk in it, I'll be back for you, Beautiful.
The hobbits seem to be talking, and I use my supernatural hearing to understand.

GIMLI: Unfortunately my supernatural brain can’t understand all the words and stuff.

"How do we know we can trust this 'Strider'?" Merry asks Frodo.
"I-I don't know," Frodo confesses, "But I think that the enemy would look fairer, but feel fowler."
Merry grimaces, "He's fowl enough."

ARAGORN: (scowls) Who are you calling chicken?

"Where is he taking us?" Sam asks, not as quiet.

LEGOLAS: Metaphorically speaking? To the pits of Thangorodrim.

"To Rivendale, Master Gamgee," Strider answers.
Sam seems surprised that Strider heard him. I'm not. Sam is loud.

GIMLI: Though at least he’s not obnoxious.

Even a pitiful mortal could hear that
"Did you hear that?" Sam asks stupidly, "We're goin' to see the elves!"
Well no shit, Sherlock. Are hobbits really that thick?

ARAGORN: No, Remi. Just vampires.

It is night, and I am sitting quietly, watching. I blend into the shadows perfectly. A dull pain is pounding in my body.

LEGOLAS: Good.

I need blood.

GIMLI: Listen dear, you need more than blood.
LEGOLAS: A personality would be a start.
GIMLI: Actually, I was thinking of a sound thrashing and being sent to bed with no supper.


I stroke Hikari's back, and wait for Strider to finish eating.
Once I see that he has had his fill, I walk into the light of the fire, followed by Hikari.
Strider looks up, "Remi?"
"I'm thirsty," I announce.
Pippin continues eating,

ARAGORN: “Yeah, well we’ve all got problems. I’m being followed around by you. Do you hear me whinging about it all the time?”

"We have some water left, I'm sure."
Frodo and Sam nod, but Merry stares at me, "Pip, I don't think she wants water."

LEGOLAS: “Good idea!” said Pippin, removing a small bottle with a skull and crossbones embossed on the surface. “I think she wants the ... uh, special water.”

Pippin looks blankly at Merry, "But we don't have any ale."
I smile devilishly,

ARAGORN: Oh, for Eru’s sake ... does she know any other expressions?
GIMLI: Oh yes. Sometimes she sulks.


"Not ale, nor water, hobbit."
Pippin's expression is confused, "Well what then?"
I advance on him, so that my face is inches from his, "Blood."
My eyes flash, bringing out their blood-red color. Pippin falls backwards, terrified.
I laugh, "Don't worry I wont drink your blood.It would just make me stupid."

LEGOLAS: Heavens! We couldn’t have that!
GIMLI: The mere thought – it’s too horrible to contemplate!
ARAGORN: Worse – she might even lose her charm!
ALL: No! Remi – don’t drink Pippin! Don’t do it!


Strider holds out a tin,

GIMLI: A ... what?

"I did not forget you. Once the deer was dead, I was able to drain it of it's blood."

ARAGORN: “I also made some sausages and marinated a few ribs. Next, I’ll be making canapés and showing you how to achieve the perfect sorbet.”

I take it gratefully, "Thank you."
I take a long drink, then realize that the hobbits are staring at me. I flash my fangs in a smile, and hold the bottle out to Frodo, "Care for some?"

LEGOLAS: (Sniggering!Frodo) “No – actually, we put some powerful laxatives in that. Have fun! Hee!”

He crawls backwards, shaking his head. I never realized how amusing tormenting hobbits would be.

ARAGORN: Yeah, I can remember the Witch-King of Angmar saying something similar.

I shrug, "Your loss."
I walk over to a shadowy spot, and lie down.

GIMLI: Unfortunately, it turns out to be an abandoned mineshaft.

Hikari curls up next to me. I smile and pet her, "G'night, puss."
Hikari licks my hand with her raspy tongue, "Mew."
I close my eyes, and fall asleep.

LEGOLAS: For some reason, when I wake I find myself in a remote cave, bound and gagged. Strider and the hobbits seem to have disappeared – what could have happened to them?

We have traveled through swamps, flatlands, and bogs.

ARAGORN: (sighs) “I’m sure there was some quicksand around here somewhere ...”

And of course the hobbits have been slowing Strider and I down.

LEGOLAS: “Oh Strider, this is stupid. Why are we waiting for the hobbits? They’re so fat and cowardly!”
GIMLI: “You’re right, we don’t need them anyway! Frodo – give your ring to Remi, she’s much better-looking than you’ll ever be!”


We finally reach a rest point, which is like a tower or something. It's hard to describe,

ARAGORN: Particularly for someone of such limited talent.

and Strider gives it's name, but I am not paying attention.

LEGOLAS: “What’s he going on about? Oh, bor-ing! Wake me up when he’s started talking about ME again!”

We climb, and when we reach the top, Strider hands each hobbit a sword, "Keep them close, you might need them."

ARAGORN: “Remember, decapitation always works. You can also try staking her through the heart and ... oh, hi Remi!”

Strider looks at me, "And you Remi?"
I hold out my hand, and with barely any effort at all, a black energy ball starts forming it my hand.

GIMLI: A black what?
ARAGORN: “Remi, put down that cowpat at once!”
LEGOLAS: “Eww! I’m touching poo!”


I close my palm, and it disappears, "I'll be fine."
Strider nods, "Watch over the hobbits. I'm going to scout out the land."
I nod. The hobbits look like they'd rather have Strider here than me.

ARAGORN: If I may quote the great bard herself, “well no shit, Sherlock!”

I ignore this, and sink into he shadows, Hikari following me.
Merry calls out to me, "Vampire, show yourself."
My voice comes from the darkness, "Why?"
Merry hesitates, then answers,

GIMLI: “Good point. Actually, don’t show yourself. And don’t speak, either.”

"Your eyes glow a blood-red color. It is hard to relax when they are the only thing in the shadows."
I shrug, "Screw you."

LEGOLAS: *sighs* Such eloquence ...

"Mind your language, Beautiful." Come another voice from behind me, deeper in the shadows.
I turn, "Pheneus, why are you here?"
Pheneus inches closer, and I can see him with my night vision. Ryu is with him, and the male cat and Hikari become engaged in a conversation of cat speak.

GIMLI: (Ryu) “What have we done to deserve being stuck with these losers? I could have been someone. I could have been a witch’s familiar, you know.”
ARAGORN: (Hikari) “Tell me about it. I could have been a stray, or a pie, or a pair of mittens or something. But oh no, I get landed with Miss-Thicky-the-Vampire for the rest of my life. This sucks!”


He answers, "I no longer want a kiss."

LEGOLAS: “In fact, now that I’ve seen what you’re like, I no longer want anything to do with you at all. Please go away.”

I growl, "Then what do you want?"
He smirks, "A vampiric kiss."

GIMLI: Hmm! Would that be a euphemism for draining someone of all their blood and leaving only a lifeless husk behind?
ARAGORN: I think perhaps you’re being a little bit optimistic there, Gimli.
GIMLI: Worth a try. Go Pheneus! Go Pheneus! Drain the bitch!


"A vampiric kiss? No."
He crawls his hand up my neck, "C'mon Beautiful."
I jump back, but stay in the shadows. I hide the smile from my voice, because I do enjoy the company of a vampire,

LEGOLAS: Well, I’m glad that someone does.

especially when I've been around hobbits, "Never."
"Um, hello?" Frodo calls to the shadows, his voice shaky, "We're still here."

ARAGORN: “You remember? A ring? Black riders? Some semblance of a plot? Hello, am I getting through yet?”

Pheneus, Ryu, Hikari, and I all turn to look at the hobbits. Four pairs of blood-red eyes staring at the hobbits, with nothing else visible.

GIMLI: Eek! It’s the Hungover Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

The hobbits back away, obviously not wanting to get involved in

LEGOLAS: My lousy hawt!vampire romance anymore.

a fight.
Pheneus and I turn back to each other, while Ryu and Hikari hiss at each other.
"See you around, Beautiful," Pheneus says, "Ryu, come."
Both fly away into the night, leaving Hikari and I staring.
I hear Sam sigh, and

ARAGORN: Return to his palantír, and an animated conversation with someone called ‘Buffy’.

mutter, "Vampires. How did I get into this?"
I pay no attention, still thinking. A vampiric kiss: When two vampires intertwine their destinies by draw a small amount of blood from each other.

LEGOLAS: “Or – a Legolas kiss: Where a vampire, heavy chains and a lead weight intertwine their destinies at the bottom of the Great Ocean.”

I decide to go join Strider, "Take care of yourself, hobbits. I'm going to go look for Strider."

GIMLI: “I’m bored guarding you. I’m going to talk to someone prettier.”

Next Scene:
"...isn't it Remi?" Strider finishes.
I look at him, "Huh?"
Strider rolls his eyes, "Have you been listening to a word I said?"

LEGOLAS: “Nah, it was all about rings and Mordor and some shit like that. What-ever! Can we talk about my hair again?”

"What?"
Strider looks concerned, "Are you okay? You seem spacey."

ARAGORN: “In fact, ‘thick’ is the word I’d use.”

I shake my head, "No, I'm fine Strider."
It is Hikari's turn to roll her eyes at me,

LEGOLAS: Well, we’ve all had a go. It’s only fair.

"Mew. Miewmow mow Mimowew."

ARAGORN: (Hikari): Sorry Remi, can’t make out a word you’re saying there. Try speaking in proper sentences.

"No!" I answer.
Strider raises his eyebrow, "Um..."
I shrug, "Sorry."
The three of us scout around for a time. It is calming to me. We are under a dark stormy sky, but I fear nothing.

GIMLI: Except punctuation.

After a time, I become aware of a flickering light coming from the hobbit's resting spot.
I grit my teeth, "Strider..."

LEGOLAS: “Put down that bottle of holy water!”
GIMLI: (Innocent!Aragorn) “What? I wasn’t doing anything!”


Strider directs his attention to the spot that I am staring at, he too grits his teeth, "The idiots have lighted a fire."

ARAGORN: (Pippin) “Hey Remi, we’re going to play a game! Can you crawl inside this wicker man we’ve made for you?”

I look at Strider, "Get some fire, and come as soon as possible."

GIMLI: (incredulous) Get some fire?
LEGOLAS: Not only is blackxrose too young to understand where babies come from, she’s too young to understand where fire comes from.


Strider seems taken aback, "And you?"
"I can fly, and so can Hikari.

ARAGORN: (heavily) “No you can’t. I’ve warned you before about eating those mushrooms.”

We'll get there much quicker. Now go."
I have reach the top of the tower, or whatever it is. Like I said, I wasn't listening to Strider. The hobbits and I are surrounded by Nazgúl.
"Fucking brilliant," I breathe, "You dumbasses don't even know when to not light a fire."

GIMLI: “Wrong!” says Pippin and shoves a blazing torch into my face. I am soon engulfed in flames and screaming in agony.

Merry whispers, "Why don't you fly away?"

*Huge cheers. Applause. Cries of, “Yay! Merry!”*

Merry is the only hobbit who seems brave enough to talk back to me.

ARAGORN: Or possibly, the only one bored enough.
LEGOLAS: (sighs) No, I suspect the only one cute enough.


I answer, "Because it wouldn't do anything for you hobbits. The Nazgúl do not seek me, they would only ignore me.

ARAGORN: I always said the Nazgûl were a bright bunch of lads.

Besides, you hobbits are as weak as kittens."
Hikari runs forward, causing the Nazgúl to momentarily look away. I take this moment to start forming a Dark spell.

LEGOLAS: I challenge that. I think it’s more of a Dull spell.
GIMLI: Possibly even a Dim spell.


Hey, animal counterparts are a lot of help.

ARAGORN: With, you know, the thinking and stuff.

I see that one Nazgúl is heading for Hikari.

GIMLI: So, the Ringbearer is unprotected and on open ground ... and the Nazgûl have decided to attack a pussycat?
ARAGORN: I’m so sorry. I take back all my previous comments on their intelligence.


It's gonna take a lot more than that to get her.
Just as the Nazgul lunges for Hikari, I jump forward, "Try it!"
The energy sphere in my hand shoots out in a beam of swirling darkness. It hits dead on,

LEGOLAS: And has absolutely no effect. The Nazgûl laugh chillingly and hack me to pieces.
GIMLI: Woo! Go Nazgûl!
ARAGORN: Were you just cheering on Nazgûl?
GIMLI: (shrugs) There’s worse things in the world.


and the Nazgúl is sent flying back. Unfortunately, the force of the spell sends me flying back as well. I see two black cats run over to the hobbits and cast a protective shield.
Two? I must have hit my head, I tell myself.

GIMLI: (hefting rock) No Remi, that was me.

Suddenly, and Nazgúl charges at me,

LEGOLAS: “blackxrosexvampire, you stand accused of the following crimes against fanfiction ...”

Oh crap.
I see a dark figure jump in front of me, and a Dark shield explode from his hands, "Pheneus!"
The Nazgúl are sent flying back, screeching uproariously.

ARAGORN: I believe ‘laughing uproariously’ is the more usual idiom.
LEGOLAS: Certainly the more appropriate one.


They slam against archways. I see them unsheathe their blades. Not a good sign.

GIMLI: No. Good sign.
ARAGORN: Definite good sign.


Pheneus extends his hand to me, his face solemn, "Watch yourself, Beautiful."
I nod, and take his hand, "Thanks."
We run over to where the hobbits are. Hikari and Ryu's shield is waning. All of a sudden it disappears, and the Nazgúl charge. Sam dives one way.

LEGOLAS: Towards the Nazgûl, clutching a hastily-written treaty proposal.

Merry grabs Pippin's arm, and pulls him to the right. Pheneus and I grab our cats and jump, using our wings to propel us high into the air. We let go, and our cats fall about a foot in the air. They recover quickly, and fly up to us, not the least bit shaken. The four of us land easily.

ARAGORN: And the point of this utterly random demonstration of flight was ...?
LEGOLAS: To look cool, and sexy, and many other things.
GIMLI: I think they nailed stupid there.


However, Frodo doesn't seem to have gotten the fact that the Nazgul are searching for him. He simply falls over, and crawls backwards.

ARAGORN: (Frodo) “Hmm, let’s see. I can watch Sauron reclaim the ring and spend the rest of my life being tortured in the pits of Barad-dûr, or spend another day with Remi ... OI, NAZGÛL! I’M OVER HERE!

He backs up against an archway.
I see a glint of gold as Frodo slips the ring out of his pocket, and onto his finger. Pheneus and I jump forward, yelling in unison, "FRODO, NO!"

LEGOLAS: “Only I get to do cool stuff in this story, you stupid hobbit! Stop stealing my big moment!”

It is too late. I see Frodo hold out the Ring to the Nazgúl. Just as one of the kings is about to take it, Frodo's hand snaps back.
The fallen king plunged his sword into Frodo's chest. Frodo screams, and starts whimpering.

ARAGORN: ‘Cos hobbits are, like, sooo pathetic!
GIMLI: Yeah, they get run through with a sword and just whine about it all the time. Huh!


The other hobbits run over to him. Pheneus, Hikari, Ryu, and myself jump into action. Hikari and Ryu cast a huge shielding spell around Pheneus and, rendering us untouchable.

LEGOLAS: No-one wanted to touch you, Remi.

Pheneus and I combine a spell. I cast a Fire spell, and he casts a Dark spell. They mix together, and significantly weaken the Nazgúl. At this moment, Strider runs in with torches, and manages to chase the Nazgúl off.
Aragorn ran over to Frodo, and picked up the sword lying next to him, "Damn.

ARAGORN: “All that, and she’s still alive? Aaargh!”

Frodo, hold on."
All the hobbits were crowded around Frodo. Sam looked at Aragorn, "Will he be alright?"
Aragorn shook his head, "We only have so much time before he becomes one of them."

GIMLI: (Horrified!Sam) "What? Mr Frodo’s going to turn into ... a vampire?"
LEGOLAS: (Aragorn) "No, just a ringwraith."
GIMLI: (Sam) "Phew. Had me worried for a moment there, Strider."


Aragorn glanced over at Remi, and was surprised to see her talking to a boy about her age. He too, had a black cat.
Perhaps it is a brother, Aragon thought to himself.
But then, Aragorn was surprised to hear the boy say, "Take care, Beautiful."

ARAGORN: "Uh, what did you just call me?"
LEGOLAS: (Swoony!Pheneus) "Ooh, I can’t help myself! You’re like, so cute, and manly!"


Remi answered, "Will you be at Rivendale?"
The boy smiled,

GIMLI: "No. I’ll be at Rivendell, you flatulent cretin."

"If you want me to."
He and his black cat then flew off.
A/N: End of chapter two (finally). Next chapter, we should reach Rivendale. Just so you know, when it's italics for a while, it means it's in another character's point of view.

ARAGORN: (bemused) There are other characters?
LEGOLAS: *pouts, stamps feet* NO! I want to hear more about REMI’S point of view. ‘Cos she’s so kewl and hawt and ...
GIMLI: You’re doing it again!
LEGOLAS: Oh. Sorry.


I hope you enjoyed (although from the number of flames I received, I guess not...).

GIMLI: Wow. Self-awareness. Who knew?

If you want to be a vampire that appears at Rivendale, send it in your review.

ARAGORN: Well, I don’t want to be a vampire. I will, however, be sending a review ...
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
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Waiting For Tomorrow
Chapter Three: Continuing in Chaos

Day after day crawled past in captivity, with no sign of either Saruman or rescue. Aragorn had become enthused with new escape plans after another night’s viewing – until Legolas regretfully informed him that there was no way of getting in touch with the Acme Corporation, and that their stuff never seemed to work anyway. And always, there were the Words ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: None is mine except for the 4 OC (original characters). oh, and Demon in my View is by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, Aubrey and Jessica are her characters. A kickass book.

ARAGORN: I have not heard of this ‘Amelia Atwater-Rhodes’ before.
LEGOLAS: She is apparently blackxrose’s favourite author.
ARAGORN: That has to be the least compelling literary recommendation ever.


Authors Note: Rivendale in this or next chapter, I'm not sure.

LEGOLAS: (blackxrose) “‘Cos I don’t plan my stories or anything – I just throw them out spontaneously, like poetry!”
GIMLI: Or vomit.


Enjoy. If it's in elfish

LEGOLAS: Elfish?
ARAGORN: Yes – we speak the elfish good!


it'll be in instead of quotation marks.
Chapter 3- Continuing in Chaos
Night is salvation for vampires. The light is bothersome, and tiring.

GIMLI: Doesn’t it make them burst into flames?
LEGOLAS: That wouldn’t bother me at all.


As I sit with my back against a tree, and Hikari curled at my side, I feel at peace. Sam however is talking worriedly to Frodo, "L-Look Mr. Frodo! Mr. Bilbo's trolls."

GIMLI: (Sam) “Miss Remi might get et soon – don’t stop hoping!”

I shake my head. This is crazy. I don't even know why I'm here.

LEGOLAS: Likewise.

Sam's eyes open wide, "Mr. Frodo? Mr. Frodo? Strider, he's going cold!"
Strider looks up, "Sam, Remi, come."
I groan, and send him a telepathic message, Can't it wait?

ARAGORN: “C’mon, the stupid midget’s almost dead anyway! We might as well stick him in the ground now and get it over with.”

With my sharp eyesight, I see Strider raise his eyebrow, Remi, the ringbearer is dying.
I sigh, and get up,

GIMLI: “Yeah, whatever. Whose epic is this anyway?”

Hikari following. Sam trots over. I look indifferently towards Strider, "Yes?"
Strider explains that we need to find Kingsfoil,

ARAGORN: “We also need to find a magical plant called hemlock. If you see any, try eating some. It’s yummy!”

"It may hold off the poison in Frodo's wound."
We split up, Strider going right, Sam going left, and I going

LEGOLAS: (hopefully) Into a specially-dug pit with poisoned spikes and collapsing walls?

straight forward.

LEGOLAS: Oh.

After a couple of minutes, Hikari shakes her head, "Mew."
I yawn, "Yeah, there's nothing here. We should go find Strider."
Hikari nods, "Mew. Me-mew me'ew mow."

ARAGORN: (Hikari) And stop doing that stupid I-can-talk-to-the-animals crap!

We walk past countless trees, before I recognize Strider's aura. A light aura too. Definitely an elf. I walk towards the light,

GIMLI: Down a long tunnel.
ARAGORN: Go towards the light, Remi!


finally ending up on a path, "Hey Strider, I can't find anyAh," I say, looking up only to see the lady Arwen talking to Strider, "Lady."
Arwen nods,

LEGOLAS: (Arwen) “Bitch.”

"I trust you and Hikari are well, Remi."
I nod, and Hikari's eyes flash, "Mew."
"Remi, I found the Kingsfoil," Strider tells me.
I roll my eyes, "About time, let's go."
Later:
The Kingsfoil won't work as well as I'd hoped, Strider tells Arwen and I.
Arwen bites her lip, Then we must get him to my father. Remi, fly ahead and alarm him.

ARAGORN: Yeah, Elrond’s going to find her pretty alarming.

I nod, Hikari and I are fast by air.
Arwen smiles, Good luck.
Later:
I fly across the plains in front of me, dodging dead trees.

GIMLI: Thwack!
LEGOLAS: However, I am still having problems with live ones.


I hear a huge rush of water behind me. Arwen has called upon the guardian.

ARAGORN: You don’t need a guardian, dear. You need the PPC.

Hikari and I are going quickly, and I feel that I am being followed. Not a Nazgúl, it seems to be
"Beautiful, what brings you here?" Pheneus asks, then sees my expression, "The ringbearer, could I help some way?"
"N- No," I pant, flying is making me run out of air.

LEGOLAS: Asphyxiation by flying?
GIMLI: I’ll take what I can get at this stage.


Talking while flying isn't easy either, "W-Wait. Ch- Check on Lady and the ringbearer."
Ryu and Pheneus turn in mid-air, "Sure, see you at Rivendale."
I keep flying, and am surprised to see a black horse with blood-red eyes running next to me.

ARAGORN: I also see a cascade of purple bubbles, a rabbit playing the banjo and a riddling gnome called Gubby. Gah – time to stay out of the hobbits’ pipeweed!

It too, has wings, "Hey, Hikari look at that! It must have escaped the wave. I don't suppose..."
I swing onto the horse, tired of running, and it calms. It's because I am a vampire, and have an evil aura.

LEGOLAS: And a disquieting smell of ripe cheese.

But it seems even calmer with me than it is with a Nazgúl on it's back.

GIMLI: (Pitifully naïve horse) Great, I just got shot of the ringwraith! Anything’s gotta be an improvement on that!

"What the crap is this?" I say out loud, "A saddle? Bridle? No."
I swing of, flying again, and quickly unlatch the girth on the saddle. The saddle slides right off. Next I move to the bridle. this one is tricky, because Hikari, the horse, and I are all flying at this point. I manage to get the bridle off, and growl. The bit is harsh, much too harsh.
I swing onto the horses back,

ARAGORN: Slide gracelessly off the other side and bang my head on a rock. Saddles and bridles are there for a purpose, Remi.
LEGOLAS: From this depiction, I would guess that blackxrose has never been on a horse.
ARAGORN: If this story is anything to go by, I doubt if she’s ever been in a bar, seen the countryside or had a conversation.


and grab his mane with one hand, soothing it with the other. Hikari lowers herself onto my shoulder, and now only the horse is flying quickly.

GIMLI: I am left behind, and plummet to the ground.

I see Rivendale's scenery looming closer.
I ride through the gates, and scatter many elves,

LEGOLAS: (panicked!elves) Ai, it’s a Sue! Run for your lives!

riding up to a great house's doors. Here I dismount, "I must see the Lord Elrond!"
The guard elf shakes his head, "I'm sorry, but"

ARAGORN: “... you’re too badly written to see Lord Elrond.”

"Move, you dumbass!" I yell, sending a shield out of my hand, and propelling the guard backwards. I turn to the horse, and whisper into his mane,

LEGOLAS: Original.
GIMLI: Yeah, ear would have been the usual choice.


"Stay with Hikari, my dear Elendor. Don't let them chase you or the cat off."
The nods, as if he knows it is his name. Clever animal.

ARAGORN: Smarter than you does not necessarily mean clever, Remi.

I then run into the house, up the stairs, and into the room where Gandalf and Lord Elrond are speaking. Elrond looks angry, "Remi, you mustn't"
"Lady Arwen and Strider sent me," I cut Elrond off,

LEGOLAS: Well, that’s rather aggressive of you.

"Frodo has been stabbed by a Nazgúl.

ARAGORN: “And I’ve really messed up my hair!”

Be ready to heal."
Gandalf looks very troubled, “How bad, Miss Remi?”

ARAGORN: “It’s terrible! I have split ends all over, and I could really do with a ... what? Oh, Frodo. He’s okay, I guess. Do we care?”

I stare out the window, “He has almost fallen into shadow. I have a... friend checking on where the Lady and ringbearer are."
Elrond sits back, “Then all we can do is wait? Are you sure this friend is reliable?”

GIMLI: “Considering you, it’s probably going to turn out to be Ungoliant.”
LEGOLAS: Oh please. Like blackxrose even knows who Ungoliant is.


I nod, “Yes... He’ll make sure they get here safely. He is a vampire of Lothloríen.

*All collapse on the floor and begin howling with laughter.*

He rarely stops at Rivendale.”
Next Scene:
The healing power of the Lord Elrond is unmatched by any other elf. Frodo got to Rivendale, almost fallen into shadow. He was healed, but is currently knocked out.

ARAGORN: I knocked him out. Little brat was taking the spotlight away from me.

I am in one of the many gardens of Rivendale, reading a book.

LEGOLAS: (Struggling!Remi) “Tuh .... huh ... eee ... The! Er, cuh ...”

Suddenly, somebody puts a hand over my eyes, “Hey Remi, guess who.”
I laugh, and remove her hand, “Jayna.”

GIMLI: “Wrong!” says Smaug, and swallows me in a single gulp.

Jayna steps back, smiling, and I stand up. She grabs my book, "Demon in my View?

LEGOLAS: Yes there is, Jayna. Please dispatch her to the Halls of Mandos as soon as possible.
ARAGORN: That’s not nice, Legolas.
GIMLI: Yeah, what did Mandos ever do to you?


Who's the hottie on the cover?"
I snatch the book from her,

ARAGORN: “Gollum. I’ve got a fetish, okay? Stop hassling me!”

"Aubrey."
Jayna laughs, "How ya been, cuz?"
I shrug, "Well... I was kind of an escort to the ringbearer.

GIMLI: “And kind of a waking nightmare.”

We only just got here."
"No kidding," Jayna says, sitting down on the rim off the well near us. I join her, looking down into the well. Jayna looks towards me,

LEGOLAS: And pushes me in.

"Hey, are you traveling with that hobbit? The cute one?"
I look disgustedly at her, "Those hobbits? Cute?

GIMLI: “Duh, Jayna. Hobbits are fat and stupid. Vampires are cute. Get with the program!”

Which one, Jayna?"
"The one with the curly hair."
I raise an eyebrow, "They all have curly hair."
Jayna nods, "Okay, I'll try again. Blond hair."
"Nope, that just tells me that it isn't the ringbearer."
Jayna thinks, "Okay, well, out of the hobbits that are awake, he's the smarter one."
"Ah," I answer, "Merry?"

LEGOLAS: Noooo!
ARAGORN: Run for your life, Merry!


Jayna snaps her fingers, "Yeah, that's the one!"
I shake my head,

GIMLI: Which rattles slightly.

"He's smarter than Sam and Pippin, but Frodo's smarter. Overall, I think he's the bravest."

ARAGORN: On the other hand, Pippin is a fully-qualified chef.
LEGOLAS: And hobbit number three has promised you the holiday of a lifetime in beautiful Lothlórien!
GIMLI: Who will you choose?
*All three shout out helpful and contradictory advice.*


Jayna sighs, "Yeah... Hey, did you get a boyfriend yet?"
I am taken aback, "Wh- What?"
"Is it that vampire with the black hair?"
"Pheneus?"
"So he is!"
"What makes you think that?"
"Because he asked for you, ya dumbass!" Jayna answers, punching me in the arm,

LEGOLAS: And then kicking me repeatedly in the face.

"I told him that you'd meet him in the courtyard. Which is where you should be now, by the way."
"Jeez, thanks for telling me so early," I grumble, "I guess I'll go meet him."
Jayna salutes mockingly, "Welcome."
I walk away muttering, "I swear..."

ARAGORN: Yes. We’ve noticed, little girl.
LEGOLAS: Incessantly and incoherently.


Next Scene:
I was glad to see Pheneus, and Hikari seemed glad to see Ryu. We went for a walk, and then parted ways. I am now sitting on the balcony of the guest building in Rivendale, reading Demon in my View, by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes.

GIMLI: Ah yes, that well-known Middle Earth writer.

Strider is sitting on a bench, reading a book on Middle Earth's history.

ARAGORN: (Throws book away in disgust) “Well, I guess all this is bunk by this stage of the story.”

I shift my position a little, and Strider looks up, and says in his shady voice, "Do not fall, Remi."

LEGOLAS: He grins again. “It would be really terrible if you were to ... fall.” Strider rises and slowly approaches me, a cruel leer twisting his face ...

I nod, "Don't worry. That's what my wings are for."
Strider opens his mouth, then closes it.

GIMLI: “Hmm, that still works. Let’s check my knees next.”

I stare at him, and stroke Hikari who is sitting in my lap, "Is there something you wish to tell me?"
Strider nodded,

LEGOLAS: “One or two things,” he says, pulling out a sheaf of papers filled with expertly-crafted Sindarin insults.

"It's about that boy"
Strider turns his head, "Someone's coming."
I nod, slightly, and say telepathically to him, Don't worry, it's a human. I sense his humanly aura.

GIMLI: His ... er, what?

Boromir walked out onto the visitor's balcony. He looked around, and saw nobody (for Remi and Strider were blending into the shadows).

ARAGORN: (Gollum) Agh - the point-of-view shift! It hurts us, it burns us!

He walked up to a picture of Isildur, cutting the ring and Sauron's finger form his hand.
He turned, and walked to where the shards of the sword that was broken by Sauron laid.

GIMLI: Hmm. Was there actually any point to this point-of-view shift?
ARAGORN: Gimli, there hasn’t been any point to the story so far.


He grabbed the blade, and started muttering to himself, as far as Remi could distinguish, he was talking about the sword.

LEGOLAS: (Remi) “Yadda yadda yadda legendary sword, whatever. Do I look like I care?”

A slight scratching at Boromir's leg made him look down. He saw a black cat, blended with the shadow's except for her blood-red eyes.

ARAGORN: (Hikari) “Hey Boromir, I don’t think she’s got to you yet. Oh, Narsil – great! Now, she’s over there. Sneak up behind her and chop her head off.”

the cat retreated into the shadows, and for the first time, Boromir noticed two people staring at him. The man had nothing special about him, but the girl was beautiful. Flawless, and perfect. What being could she be?

GIMLI: Let’s face it, Boromir: she’s a Sue.

"Vampire." I answer, not bothering to be subtle, "I'm a vampire."
I can tell that Boromir is appalled that I would read his mind,

LEGOLAS: No Remi, he’s appalled by your mere existence.

"F- Fowl creature,

ARAGORN: Squawk!

what business do you have here?"
"She accompanied the ringbearer," Strider answers,

LEGOLAS: “Despite all my best efforts to stop her.”

"As did I."
Boromir looks surprised, and turns his attention back to the sword, and runs his finger up the blade, but cuts himself at the tip, "Ah! It's still sharp..."

ARAGORN: I think Boromir would probably have worked that out without the finger test, blackxrose.

Strider raises his eyebrow, and Boromir sees him. He drops the sword, "'Tis nothing but a piece of metal anyway."
He leaves, and I turn to Strider, "I don't trust him."
Strider nods, "Me neither."

GIMLI: “No – no glowing red eyes, no blood fixation, no aura of evil. I mean, what’s to like?”

Hikari jumps into my lap, "Mew!"
"She agrees," I explain.
"Can you really understand her?" Strider asks. I nod,

ARAGORN: Hikari shakes her head vigorously, and then begins banging it against a wall.

"Yes, I can. Ah, I must go check on my horse."
Strider raises an eyebrow at me, "Horse...?"
I nod, hopping off of the balcony (Hikari jumps off of my lap beforehand),

LEGOLAS: (Hikari, jumping to her death from balcony) “Ah, I can’t bear it any longer! Goodbye, cruel fic!”

"Didn't I tell you? A Nazgúl's horse had escaped the river's fury, and he seems to like me.

GIMLI: Well, that’s the sort of character reference you want.

Would you like to see him?"
Strider puts his book down, and stands up, "Nazgúl? You'll never learn.

LEGOLAS: “That’s why we’re sending you back to remedial class.”

Lead the way."
Next Scene:
When Hikari, Strider, and I get to Rivendale's stables, we find Pheneus talking to Elendor. He looks up when he senses us, and smiles, "Beautiful, I was just admiring your horse."

ARAGORN: “He’s so much more attractive than you, after all.”

I nod, "Elendor. His rider was a Nazgúl."
Pheneus strokes Elendor's neck, "He's very well built. And he has ruby eyes like yours."

GIMLI: “All piggy and malevolent.”

I meet his gaze, "And yours."
Strider clears his throat, “Remi, care to introduce me to your friend?”

LEGOLAS: “I’m just astonished that you actually have one.”

I look towards Strider, “Pheneus, meet Strider, an escort to the ringbearer. Strider, this is my friend, Pheneus.”
Pheneus gives Strider a nod, which Strider returns. Then Pheneus turns back to me, and places his arm around my waist, “Wanna go for a walk?”
I nod, “Sure.”
Strider seems surprised, not expecting this.

ARAGORN: “What? A whole scene, and you haven’t called me a moron yet?”

But I have decided that I do like Pheneus... like as a boyfriend I mean. It's not like he's ugly. Strider looks at me, and bows his head, “I’ll see you back a the guest building then?”
I smile, “Sure.”
Next Scene:
“Pheneus, you could be more subtle,” I tell him, as we walk towards the river.

GIMLI: Yeah, ‘cos Remi’s just been a model of discretion throughout.

Our cats follow, their tails twining together.

ARAGORN: (Hikari) “The river – doh! Why didn’t I think of that before?”
LEGOLAS: (Ryu) “It’s perfect, I tell you. We just need to get our stories straight ... ‘Master and Mistress decided to go swimming in the Bruinen, with weights wired to their ankles. Oh, woe! What can have happened to them?’”
ARAGORN: (Hikari) “And then we can look all kittenish and piteous, and go mew! a lot.”
LEGOLAS: (Ryu) “Yeah! Miewmow mow – bwhahahahaha!”


Pheneus plays with the red hair ribbon looping through the front of my hair,

GIMLI: And the large clown’s hat on my head.

"I know. I know. Aragorn did seem surprised didn't he?"
I nod, smiling a little, "Yeah. Elendor seems to be better now, however, if anybody who isn't a vampire or isn't of dark aura comes near him..."
"...he freaks." Pheneus finishes for me," If Elrond finds out about Elendor having been a Nazgúl horse, he'll have something to say."

ARAGORN: (Elrond) The horse can stay. But I’m still burying the vampires for the fire ants to eat.

I shrug. Most vampire rangers have regular stops, either at Rivendale or Lothloríen. Surprisingly, most vampires brush Lord Elrond and Lord Celeborn off.

LEGOLAS: "Eww – I’ve got Eldar cooties!"

Vampires do not serve, but the rangers feel inclined to have respect for the Lady Arwen and the Lady Galadriel. I care nothing of the Lord Elrond,

ARAGORN: (Elrond) Feeling’s mutual, Remi.

but I do respect the Lady Arwen, who is wise and not as boring as Lord Elrond.

GIMLI: Hmm.
LEGOLAS: Yeah, because Elrond’s so dull, isn’t he?
GIMLI: Sure. It’s all ‘epic battle’ that and ‘legendary quest’ this and ‘safeguarding the future of Middle Earth’ the other. Bor-ing!
LEGOLAS: He never does anything exciting, like drinking blood or having angsty romances or randomly insulting hobbits.
GIMLI: Elrond dreams of being that cool.


We sit down at the bank of the river. Hikari walks over to the very edge, and stares in. Ryu sits down next to her. Pheneus and I stare into space. His arm is around my waist,

ARAGORN: And his hands are around my throat.

and I have my head leaning on his shoulder. My knees are pulled up to my chest, and I feel like falling asleep. Safety is something that comes with the night.

GIMLI: (sinister) Or so I thought ...

I turn my head towards Pheneus, "Pheneus, I"
Everything is blur. I feel Pheneus's hair brush my face. I can feel his lips on mine, and I am shocked to have them there.

LEGOLAS: “Pheneus, you moron! Everyone in this fic’s meant to be kissing my arse!”

Pheneus pulls away, and stands up, signaling for Ryu to follow him. He walks for about 5 feet, and then turns and winks, Until next time, Beautiful.
I sit there, a shocked expression on my face.

ARAGORN: Actually, more kind of stupid.

He waves, smiling, and walks away.
Next Scene:
Hikari and I walk into my room, to find Jayna in the other bed. Jayna and I are here often, so we share a room in the guest building. The only reason Elrond agreed to it was

LEGOLAS: That the building was so easily flammable.

because there were already two beds in this room, and we had already painted the walls

GIMLI: Bets on the colour scheme?

black.

GIMLI: Uh-huh.

When I walk in, Jayna looks up and grins mischievously, "How was your date earlier?"
I look scornfully at her, "I told you, he's just a friend."
I am glad she doesn't know about my most recent walk with Pheneus.

LEGOLAS: Well, we didn’t want to know about it either, and you insisted on telling us ...

Jayna rolls her eyes, "Fine, fine, be that way..."
I grab some sleeping clothes out of my cabinet (a black cami, and black silk pants).

ARAGORN: Nice.
LEGOLAS: She’s really captured the ambience of Rivendell, hasn’t she?


I go into my bathroom (yes there are two, one on each side of the room), and turn on the water. I take a shower,

ARAGORN: Elrond really went to town with those refurbishments, didn’t he?

then get dressed for bed. I walk out of the bathroom feeling refreshed, and get into bed with my book.

GIMLI: Because let’s face it: for the rest of my long, lonely life, no-one else is ever going to want to share a bed with me.
ARAGORN: (disappointed) Long life?


But my mind can't seem to concentrate on gorgeous Aubrey trying to save Jessica's life after she was nearly killed by Fala. My mind is on Pheneus and the kiss...
A/N: End of chapter three! I will get flamed for this chapter!

GIMLI: If there’s any justice, you’ll be arrested for it.

W00T! I've actually been in a bad mood lately, cuz I have strep throat, and Radio 1 cancelled Y100.

ARAGORN: *cough* Karma! *cough*

When I heard about that (Y100 being my favorite radio station) I was trying to decide whether to scream or cry.

LEGOLAS: So I decided to provoke a similar response in my readers.

TT
By the way, Jayna is Charlie'sPunkDrugAngel's character (you might recognize her from my brother's fanfic).

GIMLI: Sure. Spread the blame around, why don’t you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Words faded from the wall, and the three companions groaned and slumped back into the sofa. Aragorn shut his eyes and rubbed his face wearily.

“Well,” said a voice from behind them. “I trust you enjoyed the performance?”

“Saruman!” Legolas spun round in astonishment. The wizard was seated in the corner of the room, his hands folded neatly on his lap and a secret smile on his face.

“Indeed,” he replied. “Perhaps you have had a chance to reconsider my proposal?”

“You will get nothing from us, wizard,” snarled Gimli.

Saruman looked almost sympathetically at his captives. “I see. Well, no matter. You will have plenty of time for further thought, and for further tales.”

“So what now?” asked Aragorn. “More torture from lovelorn vampires?”

The wizard shrugged. “Alas no! I fear that after the last chapter, blackxrose responded to popular demand and abandoned the story. But do not fear: I have many more. Would you like to hear them? I have a delightful tale here that ...”

Gimli could take it no more, and hurled himself at Saruman with a feral howl. But the wizard simply beamed, made a passing gesture with his hands and vanished from the room. Gimli crashed into the empty chair – which toppled over backwards – and sprawled in an ungainly heap on the floor. Aragorn crossed the room and helped the bewildered dwarf to his feet.

“Do not fear, Gimli,” said the ranger. “His magic is strong, but we are stronger. I promise that we shall taste freedom again.”

Legolas, meanwhile, righted the chair and picked up a sheaf of papers that Saruman had abandoned in his flight. “Mpreg,” he read wonderingly, and frowned. “What is mpreg?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The End
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
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