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The Tale of Eilinel: the MST; A teenage soap opera.
Topic Started: Aug 27 2008, 02:26 PM (874 Views)
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
Disclaimer: Morgoth, Maglor, Uruk-hai, Noldor, Nazgul,
Boromir, and everything else that has anything to do with Tolkien’s world
belongs to the Tolkien Estates, and some belongs to New Line Cinema. Tumnus the
faun and Narnia belong to C.S. Lewis and to the Disney Company. Boris the
Nazgul belongs to Araiona Dubois. Chesterfield and Jules belong to me. MST3K
belongs to Best Brains Inc. The story belongs to MordorTari
and can be found in the Silmarillion section on fandomination.net.


THEME SONG:

In the not-too-distant future
In the space beyond the light,
The evil dark lord Morgoth
Had a nasty scheme in sight.
He found an elf, Maglor by name:
A Noldorin bard of ancient fame.
His existence was making him quite annoyed,
So he thought that he would torture him and trap him in the Void!


MAGLOR: LET…ME…OUUUTTTTTT!

I’ll send him awful fanfics (ooh ooh!)
The worst I can find! (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And I’ll monitor his mind.
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!)
He’ll have to keep his sanity
With the help of some brand-new friends!


DAILY ROLL CALL!

MAGLOR! (WHY ME?!)
BORIS! (HI, EVERYONE!)
CHESTERFIELD!(I’M STILL CONSCIOUS!)
TUMNUS! (OH, DEAR ASLAN!)

If you’re wondering how he found Maglor
And other useless facts (la la la!)
Just repeat to yourself mind it’s all a joke
You should really just relax–

For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000!



“So you think Jules and Boromir will like ‘em?” Chesterfield asked Boris, for about the
eleventh time that day.

“Look, Chesterfield; if they don’t, you can always kill them and eat them,” said Boris, thoroughly exasperated. He sat with Chesterfield at a table on the bridge of the Satellite of Hate. Scraps of wolf-dog fur littered the table and the floor, for Chesterfield was making fur coats for Jules and Boromir, out of Bijan
and Rijah.

“Who?” the Uruk-hai asked in puzzlement, as he crudely sewed on a sleeve.
“The people or the coats?”

“Never mind,” groused Boris. He was in a bad mood, as it was time for
the next fanfic, and Maglor was late…again.

Just as Tumnus was about to get up and go look for him, the Noldo came in. He
dragged his feet slowly, and a look of suffering was graven on his face.

Everyone else was rather surprised as Maglor fell to the floor with a tiny sob,
muttering, “I cannot bear it. I cannot bear another fanfic. Oh, Iluvatar, be
merciful! Have I not suffered enough over the centuries? Why must Morgoth
torture me more? Oh, help me, Iluvatar, please!”

The other three prisoners looked at each other worriedly. If Maglor cracked,
what would they do? Jules and Boromir were still ill. Who would Morgoth send up
to read fanfics with them this time?

Morgoth, on the other hand, was delighted with Maglor’s weakness. One
more bad fanfic and the elf would definitely be dead.

“Oh, do pull yourself together,” Morgoth told him,
trying—and failing—to hide his excitement. “I have another special fanfic for
you today: a little confection about a bratty teenage girl in the American
South before the Civil War…”

Maglor, having finished his prayer to Iluvatar, rose. He and everyone else
looked confusedly at the globe.

“Is that true?” asked Tumnus, hardly daring to believe that the upcoming fanfic
would rape neither Lord of the Rings canon nor Narnia canon.

“Well, only half-true,” Morgoth admitted, with mock regret. “The setting is
actually not the American South before the Civil War, but Beleriand during the
First Age. And the bratty teenage girl is…Eilinel,
the wife of Gorlim the Unhappy.”

For a while, there was silence. Only Maglor remembered who Gorlim
and Eilinel were—and while he admitted that the
prospect didn’t sound too good, he realized that at least this fic would not
feature Arwen sneaking out of Rivendell to give oral sex to wandering orcs. He
said as much.

Now Morgoth’s excitement was replaced by irritation. Why were his victims not
reacting more strongly?

“Just get into the theater. I wash my hands of you,” was all he said, before
turning away in disgust.

The lights began flashing. “We’ve got fanfic sign!” everyone yelled, as they
ran through the six doors into the theater.


THE TALE OF EILINEL

TUMNUS: Oh, no. Isn’t this the troll Morgoth was talking about, where…?
BORIS: No, that was “The Tale of Vearanniel.”
TUMNUS: Phew. What a relief.


Category: Angst/Darkfic, Drama

MAGLOR: Oh, Eru, no.
CHESTERFIELD: Not good.


Rating: PG-13 for unhappy (no pun intended) ending, violence and language

BORIS: So where’s the pun? I’m still waiting for the pun!
MAGLOR (rolling his eyes): Rated PG-13 for an unhappy ending? This author
probably still weeps while watching “Pollyanna”.


Summary: This is the real story of the life and death of Eilinel,
wife of Gorlim the Unhappy...

CHESTERFIELD(announcer): Eilinel: the E! Hollywood Story! Find out the terrible scandal that surrounded her marriage…and just why her husband was called The Unhappy!

« Now among the companions of Barahir was Gorlim son
of Angrim. His wife was named Eilinel,
and their love was great, ere evil befell. But Gorlim
returning from the war upon the marches found his house plundered and forsaken,
and his wife gone; whether slain or taken he knew not. Then he fled to Barahir,
and of companions his he was the most fierce and desperate; but doubt gnawed
his heart, thinking that perhaps Eilinel was not
dead. At times he would depart alone and secretly, and visit his house that
stood amid the fields and woods he had once possessed; and this became known to
the servants of Morgoth.

BORIS: Wha-wha-what?! This sounds familiar
somehow…
MAGLOR (sigh): That is because it’s the Tale of Beren and Luthien, retold in
English and prose.
CHESTERFIELD: Remote?
MAGLOR: Great Eru, yes.


BLIP!
The Silmarillion, Chapter 19: Of Beren and Luthien.

MAGLOR: You see?
TUMNUS: At least she’s not copying the script from Peter Jackson’s films.


The first thing I want to say is that I am no important person, never was, and
will probably never be.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, then, we don’t want to read about you! *gets up from his seat and tries
the locked door in vain*


Young men dream of being as brave as Beren son of Barahir,

TUMNUS (in a monotone): But in reality, they are afraid of everything, even
pieces of fuzz.


maidens would happily give one or two centuries of
their lives to look like Luthien Tinuviel,

BORIS: Thank Sauron for plastic surgery, then, eh, guys?

but who thinks of me? Who remembers me?

*everyone wipes a single tear from his eye*

Ah! Enough self-pity now,

CHESTERFIELD(in a falsetto): No, you’ve suffered; it’s not just self-pity! We’re here for
you; you should just lay your head down on our shoulders and cry all you want.
And don’t worry; we’re prepared to listen to your annoying sob story…(cough)…aw, shit; I can’t keep this up. Stop fishing for
sympathy, narrator.


for as I have been told, it is better to be forgotten
than remembered with hate, disgust or contempt

MAGLOR: And I’m sure Turin and Maeglin agree with you.

(I don’t really believe it though).

CHESTERFIELD: Huh?!
TUMNUS: Well…then why say it?


Storytellers and bards hardly spend more than a few sentences relating my
story.

BORIS (as narrator): And I haven’t even won the Nobel Peace Prize...!*sob*

Well, maybe more than a few sentences,

MAGLOR: Look here, would you just come to the point?!
CHESTERFIELD: I think I’m starting to know why that’s the case.


but all of them are from other people points of view.

TUMNUS: Just so we’re clear…this is supposed to be this “Eilinel”
speaking, right?
CHESTERFIELD(making a face): I guess, but it’s pretty damn hard to believe.


I have always wondered why what happened to me had to be seen through someone
else’s eyes, even my dearest husband’s.

BORIS: Ummm…maybe ‘cause you’re DEAD?
MAGLOR: Interesting theory, Boris; I never would have thought of it.


After all, he wasn’t there, he knew nothing.

TUMNUS: Just because he died years after I did doesn’t mean he was a better
source of information!


No living man ever knew, and no living being does now. For I am but the ghost
of a long-dead woman, whose name was Eilinel wife of Gorlim.

MAGLOR: Oh, this IS supposed to be Eilinel
speaking? She sounds about…fifteen. At most.
TUMNUS: Ah, things are starting to become clear now. Eilinel
has come back from the dead and is haunting Christopher Tolkien until he
publishes a book on her life.
*everyone else looks at him in confusion*


I don’t want to remember much of my childhood.

CHESTERFIELD: And MordorTari isn’t creative enough to talk about
it.


Joyful memories are painful.

BORIS: Trust me; they give me gas like you WOULDN’T believe.

I don’t want to know that there were happier times.

MAGLOR (yawn): It makes it much easier for me to wallow in self-pity if I
just convince myself I’ve been miserable all my life.


I don’t want to see my father coming home with gifts for me every day,

TUMNUS (as little Eilinel): What?! A necklace made
of walnuts?! Father, you’ve gotten me that three days
in a row!
CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel’s father, Homestar Runner): I KNOW! And you wiked it so much, I decided
to get it fow you again!


I don’t want to hear my mother singing me to sleep.

BORIS: She had the worst singing voice of anyone I have ever met. She made
Gollum sound like a good singer!


I don’t want to know that they doted on me since I was an only child, born more
than 30 years after their wedding.

MAGLOR: More than thirty years? What were they, Numenoreans?
BORIS: Well, I guess if it were that long ago, they could have married when
they were fifteen or something.


I have less marvellous memories to remember, though.

CHESTERFIELD (groan): Oh, boy, here we go. She’s gonna tell us about her depression and how
she cut her wrists and how she had to go live with an abusive uncle…


As I began to grow up, my parents began to feel old.

BORIS (old lady): Say, have you noticed just how big our young
whippersnapper Eilinel’s grown?
TUMNUS (old man): Ah, it seems like just yesterday that she was throwing
tantrums…wait; that WAS yesterday.


And they grew bitter, for they feared death.

MAGLOR: And they took out their bitterness on me,
raping and beating me every night…*sniff*


And thinking back of that time of my life makes me be happy not to live
anymore.

BORIS: What, did you have better grammar, then,
Eilinel? “Makes me be happy”?


My parents, whose mere existences haven’t even been mentioned for centuries,

MAGLOR (exasperated): Well, what did you expect? They never fought Balrogs
or wore a Silmaril or defied Morgoth or slew a dragon.


were wealthy enough to dream of a good alliance for
me.

TUMNUS: “Wealthy”? How? This was prehistory in Middle-earth!
CHESTERFIELD: They probably owned more horses and sheep and land than everyone else.


A good alliance meaning a wedding to a rich man, if possible
coming from an aristocratic family.

BORIS (frustrated): RICH MAN?! ARISTOCRATIC FAMILY?!
THESE ARE TRIBES OF MEN LIVING IN SETTLEMENTS IN THE WOODS!


Of course. . .

CHESTERFIELD: All this is a lot of clichéd bullshit. So, on to my real story…

At the same time, they wanted me married as soon as possible,

TUMNUS (as Eilinel’s parents): Second honeymoon,
here we come!


because they wanted to see at least their first
grandson before their dying days.

MAGLOR (deadpan): And let me guess: if your first-born child had been a
daughter, they would have beaten you, tied you up, and left you for Morgoth’s
wolves to eat.


Of course. . .

BORIS: Of course WHAT?! Stop with the ellipses already!

I thought my life couldn’t have been any worse. . .

ALL: OF COURSE…

Oh, how wrong I was!

CHESTERFIELD (over-dramatic): My husband beat and raped me…and when I tried to run away, I
was captured and raped by orcs…and when I was rescued and taken in by a
village, the wives there didn’t like me, because they thought I was a slut…


I was only a 13 year old maiden when they first got me engaged.

TUMNUS: That was two years ago…hee hee…

The man they had chosen for me to marry was, if I remember well, in his late
forties. And so very rich.

BORIS: Well, the idea of marrying your underage daughter to a rich old man
so that he’ll die and she’ll inherit his fortune has been around for a long
time, I see.
MAGLOR: I would hazard a guess that Eilinel is not of
the House of Haleth.


I hated him from the very start, but sometimes I just hoped I would marry him
and be a wealthy widow soon.

CHESTERFIELD: In fact, I had about seventeen different kinds of poisons, a sword, and a hangman’s rope. Just let him TRY to
live past our wedding night! Ha, ha!


I guess I have inherited some of my parents’ matter-of-factness.

TUMNUS: Really? How would we ever have guessed?

I didn’t complain when my family broke the engagement some months after,
though.

MAGLOR (rolling his eyes): Somehow I am not surprised.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, so…wait a minute…why the hell did they do that if they were
so anxious for her to get married?!


Neither did I complain when they took the awful habit of engaging me and then
breaking the engagement several times a year.

*Pause*
BORIS: Did she really write…several times a year?
TUMNUS: Yes.
*Laughter*
MAGLOR: She has some VERY indecisive parents.


Did it really matter?

CHESTERFIELD: Um…probably not. It only shows how weird your parents were and how frustrated
all your suitors must have been.


As long as my parents said I was “so mature”,

MAGLOR: Because “so mature” was definitely part of the vernacular of the
House of Beor…*rolls eyes*


“a good girl” or “a most understanding daughter”, everything was perfect.

BORIS: Yep; despite the fact that they were trying to marry me off, and I
didn’t even have breasts, everything was hunky-dory!


Just perfect.

ALL: Mm-hm…

I used to love my parents in a way I can’t even understand now.

TUMNUS: I mean, they were my parents, and I loved them! How could this
possibly have been?


I could have died for them a million times, and then again.

CHESTERFIELD: “A Million and One Deaths”. Couldn’t that be a Disney movie, like “A Hundred and One Dalmatians”?

The love of men didn’t interest me. Men didn’t interest me.

BORIS: Because I had mad fighting skillz just as
good as theirs, thank you very much.


Only their love. Only them.

MAGLOR: What the…she just said they didn’t interest her!
CHESTERFIELD (singing): Only the lonely…


And they liked it that way, for they would always bad mouth everyone in sight.

TUMNUS: “We hate you, Eilinel, you ugly witch!
Why are we being forced to marry you?!”
BORIS (as Eilinel): You hurt my feelings! Even though
I’m not interested in you, I still want you to moon over me, because I’m a Sue!
Wah!


If I wanted to prevent them from yelling at me,

MAGLOR: I had to keep a gag in my pocket constantly.

I just had to show how I trusted no one or to find one or two cynical things to
say.

*Silence*
TUMNUS: Um…er…do you understand any of that?
CHESTERFIELD: Nope.
BORIS: If she was so cynical or rude, wouldn’t that make the men yell at her MORE?
MAGLOR (confused): Why would her parents want her to marry such bad-tempered men?


Of course I didn’t mean it.

CHESTERFIELD: Eilinel, I don’t have a clue about what you mean. You’re running the gamut from angsty to happy to bitchy to soppy, and it’s happening too fast for us to understand it.

Well, at least at the beginning.

MAGLOR: Then when I finally got out of puberty, I stopped having so many
mood swings.


Had I not married Gorlim, I would have ended up being
their living image.

TUMNUS: So…a cynical, sour ice-queen?
BORIS: Yeah, pretty much.
TUMNUS: So…what made Gorlim different?


Monsters, let me count the ways in which I hate ye.

MAGLOR (sigh): Ah, typical. The first time she uses any believable ancient
Arda dialect—in English—and she gets it wrong.


As I’ve said, men didn’t interest me. I found them most uninteresting and
stupid.

CHESTERFIELD (eight-year-old girl): Boys are STUPID and NASTY and BORING, and they have
COOTIES!


I didn’t like girls either.

BORIS: But I LOVED naked mole rats.

I can’t remember if I used to have friends, but I don’t think so.

*laughter*
TUMNUS: She’s matter-of-fact, all right.
MAGLOR: MordorTari seems to have copied most of this
from a transcript of a teenage girl’s psychiatric session.


Anyway, finally I met him. Gorlim. The man who married me.

*everyone imitates a trumpet fanfare*

I can’t remember where we met, though. I wish I could.

CHESTERFIELD: I also wish I could chug fifty beers without stopping, but that’s an entirely
different story.


It wasn’t in a very interesting place, I think.

BORIS: Probably we met in a boring CLEARING in a forest, without any orcs
or Balrogs around…


Maybe in a street (not that I would have let a stranger talk to me in a
street!),

TUMNUS: I probably would have slipped and fallen in a pig wallow, or in one
of the giant piles of horse dung!


or on the market place. I only remember one thing: I
found him myself,

MAGLOR (children’s book): I checked under a rock…then I looked in a hollow
tree, and there he was!


he wasn’t the choice of my parents. And he was madly
in love with me.

CHESTERFIELD: He could actually say five words to me without yelling!
ALL: Awwwwww!


One day, I began to tire of being my parents’ perfect daughter in general,

BORIS: So I flunked my history test on purpose, sneaked out of my house
after curfew, and tagged a restroom at a children’s playground.


and of being yelled at for still being unmarried in
particular,

MAGLOR: Why is everybody yelling at Eilinel?! What is this author’s obsession with being yelled at?!
TUMNUS: I’m guessing that she’s going to be yelled at right before she dies.


so I made him understand that it would be great to
marry.

*everyone winces*
MAGLOR: “Great”? In ancient Beleriand?


In a quite childish way, I

CHESTERFIELD: Threw a tantrum when my parents asked to meet Gorlim. Then, because Gorlim was my twu wuv, he came in to comfort me. And I sang a sappy pop
song for him in my beautiful singing voice, and I found out I was the long-lost daughter of Aredhel and Eol and my destiny was to battle Morgoth head-on…
TUMNUS (hands over his ears): Stop it! You’re making me sick!
CHESTERFIELD: What? It’s fitting for how Eilinel’s portrayed in this story.


hoped my parents would hate him because he wasn’t
wealthy nor powerful.

BORIS: So then I could be “lyek totally badass!!!111 n lyke not lissen
to mi parnts lolz1!!!!1111!!11”
MAGLOR: What is that name for female Harry Potter characters that have been
turned into Mary Sues?
TUMNUS: Er…hold on…Qanonreip.
MAGLOR (scowl): Of course.


But he was sweet and loving,

TUMNUS: Unlike you?

and far from being poor since he owned a nice land.

CHESTERFIELD: He ruled over Hithlum for about a week. Nobody ever knew but me.

Eventually he melted their hearts. And mine.

MAGLOR (deadpan): And we married in a huge ceremony, to which all of my parents’
wealthy and aristocratic… (cough)…friends had been
invited. We lived happily for a while in a mansion on the banks of the
Sirion… (cough)


For I wasn’t bad, no.

BORIS: Ah, Pink plans her new hit single.

Not at that time.

ALL: Dun-dun-dun!
TUMNUS: But I regret nothing! They yelled at me; I had to yell back. It was
self-defense!
*all exit the theater*



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jules14
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(Wo)man on a Mission
I was married for about a year when it happened.

BORIS: I started throwing up every morning.
TUMNUS: Gorlim’s mother moved in.


I hadn’t really understood the whole situation. Was there a war or something?

*everyone reads that sentence, does a double-take, and reads again*
MAGLOR: She did not do it. She did not just ask “was there a war or something?”
during the Wars of Beleriand.
CHESTERFIELD: Did she keep herself locked up in the basement or something? Sheesh.


Gorlim said he had to fight against “the darkness”, as did “the other men”.

TUMNUS (whistle): It’s like explaining things to a six-year-old.
BORIS (sigh): Look: any Man of the Three Houses who didn’t know who Morgoth and
the Noldor were by this time would have deserved to be eaten by Wargs.


But the other men he was not, and I didn’t let him go.

CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel): I don’t care how important this is to you: you are not going to war until you clean the attic and mow the lawn!

He said I was being selfish and not very brave.

BORIS: Well, yeah! He probably wanted to get away from you, anyway!

We would often quarrel.

MAGLOR: This rather reminds me of Niniel’s parting scene with
Turambar—except for the fact that Niniel at least sounded pitiful and helpless,
whereas Eilinel sounds like a whining nag.


I was indeed being a coward, even if I could never admit it, but I couldn’t bear the fact that he could die,

BORIS (as Eilinel): You mean…you’re not immortal, like the elves? You’re
actually going to DIE?! I refuse to believe it; I WILL NOT BELIEVE IT!
MAGLOR: If Eilinel had lived in Numenor, she would have been one of the first
to join the anti-Eldar party.


leaving me alone and loveless again.

TUMNUS (yawn): You mean, except for your parents? I seem to remember
something about your parents loving you.


He loved me so. I needed him so. He stayed.

ALL: He STAYED?!
CHESTERFIELD: Well, now we know who wore the pants in that family. Eilinel should have gone off to fight.
MAGLOR: Indeed; then we’d be rid of her.


One day Gorlim came home. I saw he had been crying.

BORIS (as Gorlim): The other soldiers called me a wimpy, pussy-whipped coward…*sniffle*

“This time I really have to go, my love, for some orcs have killed your
parents”.

MAGLOR (snort): How convenient
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, just heap even more wangst on an already-wangsty story. Way to go, MordorTari.


I had to let him, of course, for it was now a matter of honor.

TUMNUS: And it involved me this time too…instead of some stupid war nobody
cares about.


When he left, he cried again. I didn’t.

*everyone applauds half-heartedly*

I felt cold and empty, and nothing really mattered anymore.

BORIS: Except for my hair, which just would not come out right that morning…

It was the last time I would ever see him, and I knew it. I knew it.

CHESTERFIELD (hyperactive child): I knew it! I knew it! I knew it all along!
Ha, ha, ha, ha; you couldn’t fool me; I’m too smart for you, nya, nya, nya-nya,
nya!


Oh Gorlim, you told me you wanted me to be yours one last time before you left,
and I answered that I would rather be dead.

MAGLOR (amazed): What a selfish, unfeeling little wretch.
BORIS: Man, she makes Aredhel look like a model of kindness and compassion.


Forgive me, for dead I am.

CHESTERFIELD: Talk like Yoda I do, yes.

I became lonelier than I had ever been, then.

TUMNUS (deadpan): I got into the habit of talking to myself. One day, I was
having a loud argument with myself over what dress to wear, when I was
overheard by some orcs. They slaughtered me and ate me. That’s how I died. The
end.


No children, no husband nor parents anymore.

BORIS: I had no one to be bitchy and obnoxious to anymore. It really sucked,
to tell you the truth.


I didn’t live in a town anymore

MAGLOR (in exasperation): When did you EVER live in a town? The biggest
“town” built in Middle-earth before the Numenoreans contained perhaps four
homesteads, a common, and a palisade.


since I dwellt on my husband’s land.

CHESTERFIELD: Isn’t “dwellt” a South African antelope?

The servants had left us a long time ago, because they felt in danger.

TUMNUS (sarcastically): Yes, and I’ll wager the danger they feared wasn’t
orcs or Morgoth.


I started to live in fear. Fear of being attacked.

MAGLOR: Fear of clowns. Fear of purple mumakil.

Fear of having one of Gorlim’s friends coming here with tears in his eyes

BORIS: I could never stand men crying…goddamn wusses…I think that’s the real
reason why I finally let Gorlim go off to war…


to tell me that something had happened to him.

BORIS: Oh.
MAGLOR (puzzled): To Gorlim, or to the friend?
CHESTERFIELD (as friend of Gorlim): Eilinel, I hate to tell you this, but I
tripped over a tree root and got bitten in the ass by a marmot.
TUMNUS (as Eilinel): NOOOOOOOOOOO!


I would spend hours looking through the window, waiting for. . .

BORIS: Godot?
CHESTERFIELD: Peter Pan?
TUMNUS: Father Christmas?
MAGLOR: Olorin?


what?

TUMNUS: What?
MAGLOR: What did she say?
BORIS: What’s that?
CHESTERFIELD: Arrrrghhhhhh!


I hardly slept at night, for the emotion caused by every single noise would
almost make me faint.

TUMNUS (laughing): MordorTari can’t decide whether to make Eilinel into a
Warrior!Feminist!Sue or a Pathetic!Delicate!Sue.
BORIS (as Eilinel): Oh, Eru, the wind! I hate hearing the wind…oh, no, it’s an
owl! That makes me cranky, which makes me…want…to…faint…*passes out*


Was it Gorlim coming back home? Or an orc?

MAGLOR (deadpan): Neither. I rather think it was a pack of young dwarvish
pranksters laughing at your ridiculous immaturity.


Even an orc would have been better than these painful fears,

TUMNUS: Er… no, it wouldn’t have been.
CHESTERFIELD: Hey!


and these even more painful hopes.

*Boris plays an imaginary violin. Chesterfield and Maglor gag loudly*

I thought my life couldn’t have been any worse. . .Oh, how wrong I was!

BORIS: Yeah, Eilinel, you pulled that one on us already. It’s gotten old.

I learned on the market place

MAGLOR: ON the market place?
CHESTERFIELD: You know, I had no idea they had the internet in the First Age.


that there had been a great battle and that the war was over. Over and lost. But did it matter? It meant that Gorlim was going to come back!

TUMNUS: Oh, not necessarily. He could have come to his senses during the
war.


But he didn’t.

TUMNUS: See?
CHESTERFIELD: For crying out loud, is it impossible for MordorTari to write a sentence longer than five words?!


One day I met one of his friend’s wife;

MAGLOR: One of his friend’s wives?
BORIS: One of his friends’ wife?
TUMNUS: Hmmm…it still doesn’t make sense.


she told me that our husbands were with a man called Barahir,

CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel): Oh, I suppose it could be worse…they could be
with a WOMAN instead…


because they didn’t accept Morgoth’s victory.

MAGLOR: And as a punishment, Morgoth forced them to stay with Barahir for
the rest of their lives. Very interesting, MordorTari.
BORIS (as Morgoth to Hurin): And if you still refuse to cooperate, I shall
force you to wander Middle-earth with Barahir…oh, wait, he’s dead…er…well…I can
STILL curse you for all eternity!


“Our husbands are heroes” she said.

CHESTERFIELD: “Maybe they’ll even get their own comic strips sometime in the
future!”


“If Morgoth’s deeds are more important than my being alone, then be it.”

BORIS (singing): Just be it! Just be it...!

She looked shocked. Why?

TUMNUS (enraged): What do you mean, “why”?! Don’t you realize what you just
said?! You basically said that you didn’t care whether or not Morgoth destroyed
the world as long as you could have someone to yell at and nag!
MAGLOR (nodding): Well said, Tumnus.


Well it’s only much, much later that I finally came to understand how horribly
wrong I had been. . .

MAGLOR (stupidly): Having orcs for company wasn’t much preferable to
loneliness after all…


When food became scarce and the nights got colder,

BORIS (in a stupid voice): I was hungry and cold.

I found myself stupidly hoping that death would come soon.

TUMNUS (sigh): I would hope the same thing, if I thought it would do any
good.
CHESTERFIELD: Even in death, she never shuts up.


And it came sooner than I expected.

MAGLOR: I actually died when Gorlim’s friend’s wife finally got fed up with
my whining and strangled me with a sausage…rather embarrassing, that was.
BORIS: Rather obscure too.


I was collecting firewood in the woods nearby when. . .

TUMNUS (in a monotone): I slipped, fell, and cracked my head open on a tree.
The end.


oh, how painful it remains, even centuries after! Let’s say it.

ALL (bored): Oh, how painful it remains, even centuries after!

It’s my fault, at least partly. After all, nothing forced me to act foolishly!

CHESTERFIELD: Well, except that little voice inside my head; it forced me to
do a lot of stuff I didn’t want to do! Curse it!


Maybe, had I not been wandering in the woods at night,

*Silence. Dead silence*
MAGLOR: My Iluvatar. She was wandering in the woods at night right after the
Dagor Bragollach
? That is nearly as stupid as…as…
BORIS: Riding around in Middle-earth alone, unarmed, and dressed as a whore?
MAGLOR: Exactly.


many people would not have died a horrible death. . .

TUMNUS (in exasperation): Eilinel, many people died horrible deaths without
your help. Now you’re just having delusions of grandeur.


As soon as I saw them, I knew it was totally useless to run.

CHESTERFIELD: After all, velociraptors hunt prey by tracking their
movements… (gulp)


So I stayed where I was, standing, holding my firewood in my arms,

BORIS (as Eilinel): Hmmm…should I THROW this at them? Will that work? Nah…

like the baby I would never have.

MAGLOR: Ah, marvelous: it’s the introduction of Subplot Number One:
Eilinel’s Lack of Children.


I heard the orcs laughing and speaking to each others in their strange
language, as they came toward me.

TUMNUS: Oh, these are orcs! Thank you for telling us!
BORIS: Er…you could climb a tree or something, you know. Orcs can’t climb
trees.


Was it a coincidence? Was it Fate?

MAGLOR (dramatically): Was it terribly-written angst?

The wood felt suddenly too heavy for me to keep on carrying, and I let it fall
to the ground.

CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel): Man, you were a real big help, wood! I don’t need
you anymore, you useless twiggy crap!


The orcs heard it, of course.

BORIS: WAH WAH WAH!
MAGLOR (gulp): I do not like where this is going…


I don’t want to think of it.

TUMNUS: Neither do we!

Why should I anyway?

MAGLOR: Because you seem to be laboring under the delusion that we’re interested
in your story.


Because I’m no coward, maybe. Or because I have worse memories I really don’t
want to think of.

CHESTERFIELD: Like the time when I showed up in the village square naked…or
when I tripped and fell in front of my teenage crush… (shudder)


My death. Oh Manwë help me,

BORIS: “This is Manwë. Your call is very important to me, but due to
unusually high call volume…”
*Maglor smacks him*


I don’t want to remember how it feels to die. How it feels to be killed. . .

TUMNUS: How it feels to croak…how it feels to kick the bucket…how it feels
to snuff it…how it feels to be murdered…how it feels to bite the dust…
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, will you shut up?! We’re getting enough of this shit from
MordorTari!


They looked at me. I looked at them. How many were they? A dozen, I would say. I was alone. They probably saw me without any difficulty, for orcs’ eyes are used to darkness.

BORIS: If all that is true, WHY AREN’T THEY DOING ANYTHING TO YOU?!
CHESTERFIELD: These are probably newly-recruited orcs.
MAGLOR (shudder): Anyway, it’s better than the alternative.


I could hardly know their number.

TUMNUS (little girl): ‘Cause I was so scared I forgot how to count!

They didn’t move. Why?

BORIS: You tell us!
MAGLOR: I know I did not want to read another “Violation of the Evenstar,” but really…these orcs see a helpless victim and are just staring at her?!


I felt like hours had already fled. And nothing happened.

*everyone is laughing in disbelief*
CHESTERFIELD: Morgoth is so gonna fire and kill these orcs once he finds out.


It may be my imagination, but it really looked like time had been stopped in
Arda.

TUMNUS: I think the Valar probably fell asleep after watching your boring
life.


The only thing I clearly remember is this most stupid thought:

BORIS: "Mmmm…plum puuuuuddddinnnnnng…"

“So, in the end, I am really going to end up like my parents.”

BORIS: Oh, you mean, “stupid in an ironic sense”. Whoops.

Stupid, really. So stupid it actually made me laugh.

MAGLOR: Oh, yes, it’s hilarious. Is MordorTari really expecting us to
believe this scene?


As soon as I laughed, that odd feeling of suspended time disappeared. Alas.

TUMNUS (as the Valar): Whoa…what…eh…what’d we miss? Oh, it’s Eilinel again.
Drat.


“Why are you laughin’?!” one orc yelled.

CHESTERFIELD (as nerdy orc): C’mon, c’mon, what’s so funny? I wanna know the
joke! C’mon; I’m totally cool! Why you laughin’? Huh? Huh? Huh?
BORIS (as Eilinel): Look, it’s wangsty-teenager humor. You wouldn’t get it.


“She’s laughin’ at us, Agnok!” another one said.

MAGLOR (as Orc #1): S-she’s…l-l-laughing at us? ... (sniffle)
TUMNUS (as Orc #2): B-b-but…that’s so mean! W-why would she do such a
thing?!... (sob)
*Chesterfield stares at the screen in shock*


I wanted to answer, but I was unable to talk.

BORIS: Yeah…we’re pretty much speechless too. Hyper-sensitive, touchy orcs?!


“Hey snaga, ‘t looks like this. . . thing’s laughing at you!”

BORIS: “Heh, heh, that’s funny…, dur-heh, heh, heh, heh, heh!”
MAGLOR (aghast): My Eru…


“Yeah, an’ she said you’re the most moronic orc she’s ever seen!”

CHESTERFIELD (in disbelief): What, are these orcs middle-school bullies or
something?! Are they gonna shove Eilinel in a locker next?! Good grief!


They seemed to be teasing the orc they called “snaga”. He seemed to believe
them though, and he didn’t like what he had just heard. . .

TUMNUS: In fact, his face was twitching. He blubbered out, “I thought you
wanted me to be part of your group!” before he ran off to the woods crying.
CHESTERFIELD: Ah, Orc Junior High. I remember it…it was a rough time.


“Are you laughin’ at me, you. . . dirty. . . thing?

MAGLOR: “You…stupid…uh…ridiculous…filthy…smelly…piece of…thing?!”
BORIS (shaking his head): Boy, somehow I thought orcs were more…profane…than
this.


I’m gonna teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!”

CHESTERFIELD (schoolyard-bully orc): “You’re gonna hafta gimme yer lunch
money every day this week or I’ll hang ya upside down from the jungle gym!”


“Kill her! Kill her!”

BORIS: “And give her a swirly!”

The others seemed to find the whole situation they had created very funny.

TUMNUS (laughing): Actually, this is VERY funny. I don’t know if MordorTari
meant this scene to be funny, but it is.


I suspected it was not the first time they were doing something like that. I
prepared to die.

BORIS (as Eilinel): Wait, don’t kill me yet! I have to write out my will,
and play “Taps” on my kazoo, and pick out my coffin…arrrrghhhhhh!


And then, he came and rescue me.

*everyone jumps*
MAGLOR: That was sudden.
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, and the tense change didn’t help either.


No, it was not a charming prince who saved my life, but the leader of the herd.

CHESTERFIELD: Herd? Orcs don’t travel in “herds,” sweetie.
TUMNUS: What can I say? She drove off so many charming princes during her life
that she might as well be satisfied with an orc.


Less romantic, isn’t it?

*much fake laughter*
MAGLOR: Oh, she is so witty! She’s as witty as sazza-da-vampire was!


“What are you doin’, you’re bloody retarded or sumthin’?

BORIS (tearfully): “Hey, don’t hurt me! I’m an unusually emo orc, okay?”

We don’t find fresh meat so often here! Stop that and let’s bring her to the
camp!”

TUMNUS: Er…so if they’re going to eat her, why don’t they just kill her
right now?
CHESTERFIELD: Tumnus, don’t you know anything? Man-flesh tastes best when it
was alive only five minutes ago.
TUMNUS (wince): I didn’t know that, and I didn’t WANT to know it.


And so they did.

MAGLOR (gulp): I’m ducking under my seat…
BORIS: Oh, calm down. Judging by how childish the orcs are acting, I wouldn’t
worry too much.


“We an’t gonna eat you, skinny. Not before you put some meat on your bones.

CHESTERFIELD: “So we’re gonna fatten you up wiv chocolates an’ Twinkies an’
fried Oreos!”


But that’s great, we need a slave.” the leader said.

TUMNUS: Or…not.
MAGLOR: Oh, no…
BORIS: Wait, if they’re trying to fatten her up, wouldn’t they want her to not
get any exercise?


I wish he didn’t save me.

MAGLOR: Forget your reassurances; I am NOT reading another “Celebrian”
imitation…*covers his eyes and crawls under his seat*
*Pause*
CHESTERFIELD: We’ll just leave him there, shall we?


I had to cook for them.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, Maglor, it’s okay. You can come up now!
*Maglor crawls back out from under his seat and opens his eyes*
MAGLOR (in disbelief): That’s IT? They didn’t even torture her?
BORIS: Are you disappointed?
MAGLOR: Well, I expected her to state in one sentence, “They raped and tortured
me.” It’s just…out of character…for orcs to leave their prisoners unharmed.
TUMNUS (shaking his head): Kindhearted, merciful orcs. Who’d have thought?


They could, and would eat almost everything in sight, but they particularly
enjoyed meat.

BORIS: Even mystery meat, in fact.

Beef meat. Horse meat. Some less. . . common. . . other kinds too. . .

CHESTERFIELD: Like koala…
MAGLOR: Petty-dwarf…
TUMNUS: Orang-outan…
BORIS: Panda…


Anyway. . . At least, I had no cleaning to do.

BORIS (laughing): Wow. That is… (choke)…I mean…(snort)…that line…(laughs too
hard to speak clearly)
TUMNUS: Yes, readers, when a slave in an orc camp says “At least I had no
cleaning to do,” you know that person is a foolish optimist.
MAGLOR: She could be tortured, raped, or eaten any minute…and she’s GLAD TO NOT
HAVE TO CLEAN?
CHESTERFIELD: That line was priceless. Just amazing. It was almost as good as
“But for fifteen years, I just never had any paper!”


I thought my life couldn’t have been any worse. . . Oh, how wrong I was!

BORIS: Gah! She said it AGAIN!
MAGLOR: Well, at least we have no cleaning to do.
*all exit the theater*



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(Wo)man on a Mission
There was a frenzy of activity at the camp that day.

MAGLOR (as random orc): Quick, quick, get the decorations up…hide the
cake…Shagrat’s coming in a minute, and I want this surprise birthday party to
be PERFECT…


Only Eru knows why I dared to ask for some explanations.

BORIS: Okay… (looks up)…hey, Eru, why was Eilinel asking for explanations in
the orc camp?
*Silence*
BORIS (glumly): I never really expected an answer.


The first orc I asked told me to “shut the fuck up”,

CHESTERFIELD: Ah, this orc has obviously graduated from Orc Junior High and is now a teenage rebel at Orc High School.

the second one to “mind my own bloody business”,

TUMNUS: “‘Cause it’s private, so there!”

but, oh miracle, the third one actually muttered something like

BORIS: “Go fuck yourself, your fuckin’, bloody, goddamn, ass-wipin’ bitch!”

“The lord’s comin’ cuz of troublemakers”.

BORIS: Oh.
TUMNUS: Isn’t that the first line of a spiritual?


Which lord, I asked.

MAGLOR (shaking his head): Eilinel, Eilinel, Eilinel, you’re impossible.
CHESTERFIELD: Her curiosity will get her into trouble one day…oh, wait…


But I guess he thought answering one time to a slave was already good enough.

BORIS: He didn’t have to bash my head in with that cudgel, though…that was
uncalled for.


I had my answer soon enough, though.

TUMNUS: Lord Rhoop? Lord Drinian?

The orcs had built some kind of tiny castle for that lord to live in,

BORIS: So their lord was an action figure?

so I supposed he was going to stay some time.

MAGLOR: Forget the size of the castle and Eilinel becoming Captain Obvious;
I was not aware that orcs could build anything except shelters of twigs, and
certainly not in only a few days.
TUMNUS: What kind of orcs is Morgoth hiring in this story, anyway?


He never came to the camp, but one of his lieutenants did.

*everyone groans*
MAGLOR (deliberately): Morgoth did not leave Angband after his duel with
Fingolfin. Must you destroy the space-time continuum even more?


And he noticed me.

CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): Yeah, well, as a non-orc slave in a camp
full of orcs, you don’t exactly blend into the woodwork, dumbarse.


The first days he would only talk to me while I was cooking or gathering wood.

TUMNUS: “So yesterday, I went out for a walk by the waterfall…do you like
waterfalls? I like waterfalls: they remind me of camping trips in my
childhood…and I saw a dog there…you’ve seen a dog, haven’t you? Of course you
have; how silly of me…hey, why aren’t you talking to me? Are you that shy?
Well, don’t worry; I was shy too for a while, and then…”
MAGLOR (as Eilinel): SHUT UP!


But eventually he grew tired of trying to seduce me by being a gentleman,

BORIS: Sauron is not gentlemanly. Nope. Not a chance.
CHESTERFIELD (gag): He wouldn’t try to seduce a human female either, not if he
wants to keep his self-respect.


and losing all patience, he caught me and tried to kiss me.

MAGLOR (sigh): As horribly out of character as this is, I hope for Eilinel’s
sake that Sauron was not in his vampire or wolf form at this time.


“Let me go! Don’t touch me, for my husband would kill anyone who would lay a
hand on me!” I yelled at him.

TUMNUS: “Yes, well, your husband’s not here, is he? Ha!”
BORIS (as Eilinel): D’oh; I walked right into that one!


“Oh really? I’m not afraid of him. I’m not afraid of anyone, in fact.

ALL: ARRRGHHHHH!
MAGLOR: Now Sauron is talking like a boastful ten-year-old?! Great Eru!


But make me laugh: tell me who he is. Some dirty peasant unable to write his
own name without help, I guess?”

CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel): Why, yes, indeed; how did you…hey!

“He is no peasant at all, even though his name isn’t famous.

TUMNUS: “He really DID rule Hithlum for a week. And he bathes twice a year
as opposed to only once.”


He is Gorlim, son of Angrim.” I said,

BORIS: “Oh, you mean that dead guy I saw lying in the road the other day…”
MAGLOR (as Eilinel): WHAT?!
BORIS: “Mwa-ha-ha-ha…”


trying to regain my calmness as soon as I could.

TUMNUS (yawn): Two minutes later, actually. I timed it.

But there was an most evil glow in his eyes now.

BORIS: “Sucky grammar? This calls for the electric chair, bitch!”

“He is one of these bloody rebels, isn’t he? That’s so interesting!

CHESTERFIELD: “What?! It is! Come on; life in Angband’s been so boring
lately!”


You will have to explain that to Lord Sauron, whore!”

BORIS: Whoa! What the…oh, so SAURON is the “lord” and this “lieutenant” of
his who was trying to seduce Eilinel is another orc! I get it now!
CHESTERFIELD: Um…orcs don’t seduce people by being gentlemanly, MordorTari.
MAGLOR (shaking his head): What a prude. Just say that he tried to rape her;
you don’t have to go into graphic detail—or try to write a believable story
about gentlemanly orcs… (slams his head on the back of his seat)


“Don’t call me th. . .” A slap across the face interrupted me.

*laughter*
TUMNUS: In this situation, Eilinel, you must never try to reason with orcs
about politeness. Trust us; it doesn’t work; Arwen tried it in that other
badfic we read.


For the first time I tasted blood.

BORIS: And it tasted like chicken.

He grabbed me violently by the arm (strangely, I remember thinking I would have
bruises), and I had to follow him.

CHESTERFIELD: I swear, Eilinel’s the type who would observe the moon rising
and then say, “Strangely, I remember thinking that night had come.”
MAGLOR: You must admit, it IS strange that she can think at all.


As soon as I entered the manor, I started to cry, as silently as I could,

TUMNUS: Fortunately, I used to practice cry-synching in those dull days after
Gorlim went to war.


because I didn’t want another slap.

BORIS: Oh, tell me about it. The orcs could kiss and fondle and try to rape
you all they wanted, but SLAPPING you... (shudder)…Eru forbid.


From that moment on, I knew that I would never, ever leave it.

CHESTERFIELD: The ominous bassoon and bass drum playing in the background
told me that.


I was going to die there, surrounded by darkness, and cold, and evil.

*everyone hums “The Night on Bald Mountain”*
MAGLOR: MordorTari really knows how to build up suspense.


I thought about praying, but I didn’t, for I felt that this manor was a
Valar-forgotten place.

TUMNUS: Well, there’s Iluvatar, you know. I suppose you never thought about
praying to him, did you?


Orcs locked me up in a tiny cell.

BORIS: In fact, they locked me in a plant cell. To this day, I still don’t
know how the hell I fit in there.


It was awfully dark, because there wasn’t any window. I was given no food. It
lasted for days. How many? I don’t know.

CHESTERFIELD: Wow, now MordorTari sounds like she’s reading at a poetry
slam…featuring really BAD poetry.


I had nothing to do. Sitting on the floor, I thought about my life with my
family.

MAGLOR (as Eilinel): I miss being a spoiled brat…and being yelled
at…*sniffle*


I tried to remember old songs of my childhood.

CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel): “It’s a small world after all, it’s a”…AAAAHHHHH,
no! I didn’t want to remember THAT song! Get it out, get it out!


Sometimes, there were most strange noises.

TUMNUS: Like the rumbling of my stomach, for example.

I wasn’t afraid, for I didn’t fear death anymore. Or so I thought. I would try to convince myself that I wasn’t really there. I would told myself I was in the garden of my house,

CHESTERFIELD: Sure, in a bare, pitch-black garden, with no grass, trees, or
flowers, surrounded by damp and clammy walls. Way to go, Eilinel.


and that it was night; the stars were hidden by clouds, that was why it was so
dark.

TUMNUS: Oh, she was in denial.
BORIS: Either that or she had a REALLY vivid imagination.


Nothing more.

MAGLOR: “Once upon a midnight dreary…while I pondered, weak and
weary”…er…never mind.


Too bad I couldn’t truly fool myself into believing it any longer than a few
seconds.

*Brief pause, then laughter*
TUMNUS: How anti-climactic.


Because of hunger, thirst, fear and despair, I would often faint into
nightmare-filled reveries

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah; I’ve smoked opium and cocaine, eaten baked beans and
moldy cheese right after Thanksgiving dinner, and drunk myself into a coma, and
had that happen.
MAGLOR: Isn’t saying “nightmare-filled reveries” rather like saying
“nightmare-filled dreams”?


in which, for example, my long-dead parents, so decayed that I could hardly
recognize their faces,

TUMNUS: Ugh.
BORIS: Oh, I feel ya, Eilinel. Sounds like the spirits of your parents forgot
to leave their bodies behind when they came to give you messages.


cursed me for being a traitress.

MAGLOR: “Trait-ress”…is that misspelled French?
BORIS: How would we know?


I didn’t understand why, at that time, for I wasn’t one.

TUMNUS: Well, dreams don’t usually work that way; usually they’re
meaningless and stem from past experiences, and are not sent by spirits of the
dead.
MAGLOR: Perhaps if you would explain to us what a “traitress” is, we could help
you.


No. Not yet.

BORIS (throwing up his hands in frustration): What the hell’s going on?! Is
MordorTari typing in a conversation with her mother or something?!
CHESTERFIELD (as MordorTari’s mother): Matilda, it’s time to get off the
computer. You’ve been on there for over four hours.
BORIS (as MordorTari): No! Not yet!


So I would wake up and cry, if I was being lucky enough. I didn’t lose my mind though.

BORIS: I’d accomplished THAT feat five years earlier.

I’ve always wondered how I managed to.

MAGLOR (confused): But you just said you didn’t! Make up your mind!

After days and days and days of lonely suffering, at last, someone opened the door of my cell.

CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel): Ahh! It’s a guy in a black mask with eyeholes!
TUMNUS (as executioner): Oh, didn’t I tell you? You were sentenced to die at
the stake today.


I remembered the corridor was very dimly lit,

MAGLOR: Sauron obviously having not paid his electric bills for the past
eight months.


but my having been in such an absolute darkness made me feel like I was looking
at least at the sun itself.

*Silence*
BORIS: Um…yeah.
TUMNUS: What in Aslan’s name was that?


“Get up, gal! The master’s waiting!”
“It sounds like an orc”, I thought.

CHESTERFIELD: But it was actually Torgo.

I tried to obey, but I was too feeble to move.

MAGLOR (as Eilinel): Dear me; I wish this “master” were here with me right
now; he’d probably give me something to eat and drink and heal me of my
weakness…


“Fuckin’ lazy humans” another orc muttered

BORIS: Yeah, maybe you should’ve given her some food and water, or at least
the strengthening draught, smart one.
CHESTERFIELD: “All they do is eat junk food an’ sit in front o’ the telly
watchin’ cartoons!”


while putting me on my feet rather brutally.

TUMNUS (as Eilinel): Ow, ow, ohhhhh! My ankles, I think my feet are
broken! Owwwwww!


I didn’t want to make them angry, so I tried not to fall, with all my might.

MAGLOR (deadpan): Of course then I ended up falling anyway, on my head.

Not even having had a mere drop of water in days (or weeks?), I started to be quite light-headed. I felt myself falling, falling, falling...And I knew no more.

BORIS (hopefully): So this is how she died?
CHESTERFIELD: Let’s hope so.


Someone was giving me water.

ALL: NO!
MAGLOR: Why would anyone want to keep her alive?


My throat was so dry that I could hardly drink. It hurt.

BORIS & CHESTERFIELD: Hurts, don’t it?

It somehow got better, and finally I opened my eyes.

CHESTERFIELD: If it turns out she’s back at home in bed, and Gorlim just
woke her up from a nightmare…


My vision was blurry, but I saw the person giving me to drink was a woman.

TUMNUS (as Eilinel): Oh, bloody; now I can’t act cynical to you and yell at
you and…well…whatever it was I did to all my suitors.


She looked young, and had black hair and black eyes, like my mother had.

MAGLOR (falsely cheerful): Maybe she WAS your mother, and you had traveled
back in time! How fascinating!


I didn’t know someone with black hair could have so white a skin.

BORIS: Ah, it’s Lanfear doing her community service. I get it now.
CHESTERFIELD (shaking his head): Oh, that’s ominous. Black hair and eyes, with
white skin…it’s clear; this woman is a badass.


She was sitting next to the bed where I was. I didn’t remember why I wasn’t in my cell anymore, but didn’t dare to ask,

MAGLOR: My days and days and days and days locked up alone in agony had made
me very shy.


for above all I feared to be locked up in the darkness again.

MAGLOR: Oh.
CHESTERFIELD: Well, if you want to die that badly, I mean…wouldn’t you be glad
to be locked back up to starve to death? Or am I just projecting my wishes onto
this story?


I couldn’t stop looking at her. She looked tall and thin,

BORIS: That was a novelty in itself; all the women I’d ever known were short
and chubby.


and I have to say I felt more than slightly jealous of her dress and her
jewels.

TUMNUS (irritably): By the Lion’s Mane, how could she even NOTICE the dress
and jewels when she was starved and dehydrated?
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, don’t try to fathom how a Sue’s mind works; it’s a mystery.
Of course, if this is Lanfear, it’d be pretty obvious how she could do it.
BORIS: Say, I just thought of something. What if a Sue was a fan of “The Wheel
of Time” and then fell into Arda and the first person she saw was Aredhel Ar-Feiniel?
Wouldn’t she mistake her for Lanfear and run?
CHESTERFIELD: Wow. That’s deep.


She smelled of perfume

MAGLOR: You mean a mixture of lard, rotten berries, and aromatic herbs?

(my mother would have said it wasn’t lady-like),

BORIS (in frustration): Lady-like?! These women have been sleeping on the
ground, gathering berries and stuff in the woods, and after the Dagor
Bragollach, Emeldir and her crowd picked up weapons and rode without male
protection to Brethil and Hithlum! How the hell could you be lady-like in those
circumstances?!


and her face was noble and elegant,

TUMNUS: On second thought, perhaps Eilinel IS dead, and Aredhel is giving
her water.
MAGLOR: No, she would be in a different part of the Halls of Mandos.


even if her eyes were hard as black diamonds,

CHESTERFIELD: Isn’t a “black diamond” a symbol for the most difficult hills
at that ski resort Jules was talking about?
BORIS: So her eyes were full of steep slopes, humps, and icy fake snow, with
lots of trees to run into. Great.


and told me that she usually got what she wanted. And that the ways to obtain
it didn’t matter to her.

MAGLOR: Er, well…Aredhel’s feelings on the subject were not THAT extreme.
TUMNUS: No matter how hard I try, I cannot remember an evil, black-haired, determined
woman in Arda.


A man entered the room.

BORIS: Wow. “A man”. Thanks for setting the scene for us so beautifully.

I couldn’t see him; he wasn’t close enough for my still blurry vision.

TUMNUS: Then how did you know he was a man?
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, she sensed it with her pheromones.


“That’s enough now. We’re losing time.” He said.

BORIS: “Shut up, Asmodean! You’re the underling in this evil plan, you
fruitcake, not me!”


“Shouldn’t I give her some more water, my Lord?”

CHESTERFIELD: “NO. IF YOU WANT TO BE NAEB’LISS, YOU WILL OBEY ME WITH NO
QUESTIONS ASKED. I’M ANGRY ENOUGH WITH MORDORTARI FOR NOT PUTTING MY DIALOGUE
IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND ITALICS…


“No. Leave now.”

MAGLOR: “And take this disgusting soup you made for me with you.”

As she seemed to hesitate, he said, hardly louder:

TUMNUS: “Oh, I was joking; I didn’t really want you to leave. Just get back
to work, you slacker.”


“Out-of-this-room. What part of it don’t you understand, Thuringwethil?”

CHESTERFIELD (as Thuringwethil): Um…the part of it where you used useless
hyphens, my Lord.
BORIS: Oh, this is Thuringwethil. Thank Sauron it’s not a “Wheel of Time”
crossover after all.
MAGLOR: Wait…was not Thuringwethil supposed to take the form of a bat?
TUMNUS: Well, if you believe that she was Sauron’s lover…
MAGLOR (shudder): Let us not speak of that.


Getting even paler, she stood up from the chair and bowed to him, saying: “As
you command, my Lord” before leaving as quickly as she could.

CHESTERFIELD (as Thuringwethil): Fine, my Lord…I’ll just go off and deliver
messages and do whatever the hell else it is I do all day…
MAGLOR: Say what you will about Sauron, he DOES have a commanding air about
him.


I was alone with him now.

BORIS: Bon-chika-bow-wow!
*Chesterfield hums porn music*


He sat where the woman he called Thuringwethil had been, one minute ago.

TUMNUS (as Sauron): So…Eilinel, yes? Well, I thought we’d start off by
having you answer a few questions about your qualifications, and then, if
there’s time, I can take you on a tour of the facility.


I saw him very clearly, then.

MAGLOR: And he was very…misshapen. And ugly.

But I turned my head to the wall, for I didn’t dare staring at him as I did
with the woman.

CHESTERFIELD: I also didn’t dare setting us up the bomb or all your base
being belong to us.


“Did your parents never tell you that it is quite impolite not to look at the
people who are in the same room as you?” he asked me, sounding really
interested.

BORIS (as Eilinel): No, but my parents DID teach me proper grammar, you
incoherent old fart.
TUMNUS (as Sauron): D’oh!


I would have been way less frightened if he had been calling me most horrible
names,

MAGLOR: Like Bertha, or Eulalie, or Beulah…*shudder*

or maybe just “whore” like his lieutenant did. . .

BORIS: Or maybe “Mary Sue,” which would have been even worse.

I didn’t understand my fear at that time. Now I do.

TUMNUS: So do we, so you don’t have to explain it to us, we already know…no,
really, you shouldn’t…please no!


It is terrifying when someone who is supposed to be evil is being polite and
nice,

CHESTERFIELD: It sounds like MordorTari is reliving a bad experience. Maybe
she got a smile and a handshake from Dick Cheney, or she met Martha Stewart
once.


because evil is never more deceptively attractive,

MAGLOR: Er…that is the ONLY time evil is deceptively attractive, unless
you’re shallow enough to be drawn to a villain or madman because he looks
handsome.


and because it tells us that being nice and being good aren’t the same.

TUMNUS: Life lesson by Miss Lewis’s kindergarten class.

And well, if they aren’t the same, how can you tell for sure who is good or
evil?

BORIS: Bad vibes? The presence of an “I sold my soul to the devil” sticker?

I used to see evil as orc-like. Stupid, ugly, aggressive and terribly
vulgar-speaking.

CHESTERFIELD: You just described most of the politicians in the United
States, MordorTari.
MAGLOR (shudder): What does it matter? It is still evil.


The lieutenant should have been worse than the orcs,

TUMNUS: The lieutenant wasn’t an orc?
BORIS: Boy, I didn’t know the Easterlings were working for Morgoth so early and
so overtly.


and Sauron worse than the lieutenant. Instead of that, it was quite the
contrary.

MAGLOR: Sauron was better than the lieutenant, who was worse than the orcs,
and the orcs were just as good as the dogs, who were better than the horses,
who were much worse than Gorlim’s friend’s wife, and Gorlim’s friend’s wife…


At the same time, I felt that this gentlemanness

TUMNUS (blink): Pardon?

could very well disappear in a twinkling of an eye.

BORIS: Ah; gentlemanness must be something like those little crusts you get
in your eyes.


He certainly wasn’t being feared by everyone for no reason.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, how did you know that? Maybe he was just wangsty and emo
and misunderstood, like you.


So I turned my head back, trying not to shake and shiver, but not managing to.

BORIS: Oh, that’s good, so she succeeded…huh?!
CHESTERFIELD (Mo Collins as Shakira): I can’t stop SHAKING…somebody help me…!


“That’s better, little one. I suppose that you know who I am, don’t you?”

TUMNUS (as Eilinel): Er…um…I actually don’t. I just know that you’re evil
and nice at the same time.
MAGLOR (as Sauron): Ugh…they brought me an idiot again…


I tried to answer him as politely as possible that I did.

CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel): Yeah! You’re Alan Rickman…right? No, you’re
Jeremy Irons…right? Okay, you’re Ralph Fiennes…am I right? Huh?
MAGLOR (as Sauron): I need a holiday. Badly.


“I have learned by one of my men that you are the rebel Gorlim’s wife. Is it
true?” he asked, as nicely as before.

BORIS (as Eilinel, Troy): Yes! Did you know him?
CHESTERFIELD (as Sauron, Mike Pipper): Know him?! He was delicious!


There was no need to lie.

MAGLOR: Because Sauron and I had such a beautiful friendship going already.

I was sure he knew it was true, and he didn’t sound furious, so I nodded.

BORIS (as Sauron): Are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist
Party?


“Where is he now?”

TUMNUS (as Eilinel): Sleeping it off, thanks for reminding me.

“I don’t know. He left without telling.”

CHESTERFIELD: Um…I seem to remember him telling you he was going to war,
Eilinel. What, are you trying to cozy up to Sauron now?


Sauron looked surprised. Suddenly afraid that he might think I was lying,

MAGLOR (incredulous): So Eilinel tells her loving husband she hates him,
with no qualms, and then worries about lying to SAURON?
BORIS: See, everybody, this is why nobody likes obnoxious bitches. Eventually,
they end up selling their souls to evil.


I rapidly add: “I didn’t want him to leave but he did

TUMNUS (as Sauron): Eilinel, shut up. I don’t care about your sob story;
just cut to the chase: do you or do you not want to be my slave?


so I’m not interested in him or in what may happen to him anymore.”

CHESTERFIELD: “Did I mention that you’re a huge sexy hunk, Sauron? I bet YOU
wouldn’t go off to war without leaving your wife with anyone to bitch at, eh,
honey?”
MAGLOR: If Sauron had a digestive system, he would be vomiting like mad in this
scene.


Something in my voice must have betrayed my true feelings, for my declaration
made him laugh.

BORIS (as Sauron): Look, kid, I’m a Maia and you’re a human, so this is just
not gonna work out. Plus I’ve been seeing Thuringwethil for five hundred years
now.


“So he leaves without your consent. How hard it must be for him, how bad he
must feel.

CHESTERFIELD: Actually, I bet he doesn’t.
TUMNUS (as Eilinel, stupidly): Is this verbal irony, Sauron?


He must be completely obsessed with what he did and with what might happen to
you, the poor wife he left all alone. . .”

MAGLOR (as Gorlim): Yes! I’m finally free of that stupid whining nag! I hope
she gets eaten by a bear, or chopped into bits by orcs, or drowned in the
river, or…
BORIS (as Barahir): Gorlim, we know. You’ve told us this about twenty times
tonight.


He sounded like he was speaking to himself more than to me, so I answered
nothing.

CHESTERFIELD (as Sauron, on a cell phone): The poor wife he left all
alone…yes, master, I WILL get the job done! Why don’t you trust me…look, can we
discuss your obsession with Luthien later? No, I have not found Turgon…yes; I
DO respect you for how you killed Fingolfin! Look, I have to go…bye.


Neither of us speak again for what felt to me like an eternity.

BORIS (sickened): Any minute now, she’s going to jump on him and kiss him,
and this will become some dark, nightmarish porn scene.
*retches all around*


Then he looked at me, and said, laughing:

TUMNUS: “Did you know that you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish?
Hahaha, that was a GOOD one, wasn’t it?”


“I guess he’s got enough guilt to start his own religion”.

MAGLOR (outraged): What the…this is NOT Sauron speaking! This cannot be
Sauron speaking! Look here, MordorTari, do you really think Sauron would say
something like that?!
CHESTERFIELD: Whoa. Sauron’s modern and American now.
BORIS: You know, I bet there’s a scene later on in this story where Sauron
raps.


I somehow managed to prevent myself from laughing. Almost.

TUMNUS (as Eilinel): Ha, ha, ha, guilt, religion, that’s hilarious! You may
be evil, but you certainly are funny, Sauron!


I didn’t even begin to understand what it really meant before some orcs took me
back to my cell.

BORIS: “Enough guilt to start his own religion”…wait a minute…that’s not
funny! It means Gorlim is tormented! And he’s starting his own religion, which
isn’t funny either!”


He was corrupting my soul,

ALL: Huh?
TUMNUS: How?


trying to make me just like. . . Thuringwethil? Him? Melkor (not Melkor,
Morgoth)?

CHESTERFIELD: Hitler? Stalin? Voldemort? Lanfear? Richard Nixon? You decide.
MAGLOR (sigh): The Men of Beleriand didn’t even know that Morgoth used to be
called Melkor. When would the Noldor ever have used the name “Melkor”?


After all, why not?

BORIS: Yeah, I mean, you were there, he was looking for slaves, so why not
corrupt your soul?


My parents always say powerful people were great role models.

*everyone cringes*
TUMNUS: Stop using modern American phrases! These characters would not say
things like that!
CHESTERFIELD: Well, maybe they attended the classes we did…
*all exit the theater*



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jules14
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(Wo)man on a Mission
It was my right to be angry at my husband,

BORIS: I TOLD him not to go to war, but he didn't listen to me! Nobody ever
listens to me! Humph!


but laughing at him with. . .

MAGLOR: Oh...help...what was that chap's name again?

Sauron. . .

MAGLOR: THAT'S it!

no more, no less. . .

CHESTERFIELD: "Three is the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three!"

How horrible, how incredible. . .

BORIS: This fic's horrible, all right.
TUMNUS: INCREDIBLY horrible.


I was a disgrace to the noble blood and the proud name of my family.

MAGLOR: Noble blood? Eilinel was NOT related to Barahir!
CHESTERFIELD: Proud name? So now the Edain didn't just have towns and money, but LAST NAMES as well?


How could I be so sure?

BORIS: Though I think there was something about my great-grandfather
marrying a noble chipmunk...maybe that's where the noble blood came from.


After all, they were always criticizing everyone and anyone. . .

TUMNUS: Eilinel, just because you're a rotten harridan doesn't mean the rest
of your family was the same.


laughing at people. . . especially men. . .no?

CHESTERFIELD (throwing up his hands): Okay, I give up. I don't have a clue what she's
talking about anymore, and I don't really care.
MAGLOR: If only she would talk about being yelled at. We'd be back on familiar
footing then.


At that time, I didn’t realize that it was Sauron who was planting these
thoughts in my soul.

TUMNUS: I mean, they were just as senseless and stupid as my own thoughts. I
never knew the difference.


The struggle went on and on. But at the end, I lost.

BORIS: I was THIS close to being the Ping-Pong champion of the world!

Had I not been in that Valar-forsaken place,

MAGLOR (exasperated): You don't say "Valar-forsaken"!
"Valar" is NOT a synonym for "God"!


alone, lost in a darkness that meant so much more than a mere absence of light,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, what'd you do this time, MordorTari? Did you look up "darkness"
in a third-grader's dictionary?


things may have been different. Completely different.

BORIS: Enough with the excuses, Eilinel! You're still a whiny old bitch, and
you still sold your soul to Sauron!


For I’m sure I wasn’t evil at the beginning.

*Pause*
TUMNUS: I beg to differ. I'm sure your parents, Gorlim, and everyone else you
knew would beg to differ as well.


I hope so, at least. I hope so. I hope.

CHESTERFIELD (dying robot): I hope. I hope. I hope. I...hooooooopppppppppe...
BORIS: Sheesh; is her battery dying or something?


Some hours (days? Weeks? Months? Years? Centuries?)later, I was brought to Sauron again.

BORIS (as Sauron): Okay, Eilinel, now to prove your loyalty to me, I need
you to juggle eight porcupines, feed my Wargs, and eat four live kittens.
CHESTERFIELD: Way to be obscure, Boris.


Smiling as he was happy to see me, he said: “Rejoice, Eilinel,

TUMNUS: No, the Christmas carol is actually "Rejoice, Emmanuel,"
not "Rejoice, Eilinel".


for you’re going to take revenge on the one who caused all your sufferings!”

CHESTERFIELD (as Sauron): Isn't that great? Wait...why are you laughing and
looking at me with such a fiendish look on your face?


Darkness was in my soul. Shame on me.

MAGLOR: I shall have to give myself twenty-five lashings in order to do
penance for my sin.
TUMNUS (sigh): If only...


May I be damned eternally, for I thanked him.

BORIS: Yeah, for just saying "thank you" to Sauron...why don't you
damn yourself eternally for COZYING UP TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, while you're
at it?


He smiled again, but not the same smile as before.

CHESTERFIELD: He'd gotten his braces off in the twenty seconds since he'd
last smiled. His teeth looked great!


What can I say?

MAGLOR (deadpan): A great deal of nonsense, but not much else.

Everything was lost.

TUMNUS (sneer): Oh, look on the bright side: at least you have no cleaning
to do.


He told me I would be brought in my house (let’s say its ruins).

CHESTERFIELD: Fine with me, Miss Semantics. I don't give a damn.

There, I would have to cry and call Gorlim as loud as possible.

BORIS: Then Sauron would tape the performance and put it on the internet.

Of course it would have to look natural. Of course.

ALL: OF COURSE! OF BLOODY COURSE!!

As if I needed to be told such a thing.

MAGLOR: I can whine naturally WITHOUT help, thank you very much.

After all, darkness was in my soul.

CHESTERFIELD: We GET it, MordorTari. Enough with the cheesy lines already!

I did.

MAGLOR: But Sauron told Gorlim that it was a PHANTOM designed to trap him.
That means that Eilinel was already dead.
BORIS: Plus it doesn't make sense. If Eilinel was really in the house, what
kept Gorlim from actually taking her in his arms or something?
TUMNUS: I think she was too busy flirting with the orcs to notice.


The rest is history.

CHESTERFIELD: Tonight at 8 PM, 7 central, only on the History Channel.

The myth doesn’t mention the fact that I betrayed my husband (more or less)
willingly.

BORIS: Oh, yeah, you were willing. Even the brain-washing Sauron gave you
was your fault.
MAGLOR: Are you being sarcastic?
BORIS: Well, I thought so at first, but...hey, that's actually true!


It would. . . is spoil the right word?. . . the story. . .

TUMNUS: That's the word; I was sure it wasn't "the cheese" or
"the child".


But it does mention the fact that I’m no longer alive; it’s true.

CHESTERFIELD (irritably): So rest in peace, goddamn it! Stop talking!
MAGLOR (shudder): I never thought of this before, but the most frightening
ghost would be one who never stops talking.


I don’t want to speak about it, but I have to.

ALL: NO YOU DON'T!

I want the story to be complete.

BORIS: I'd imagine that's what the Disney Company says every time they
release those crappy sequels to their animated movies.


People always judge everything and everyone.

CHESTERFIELD: And that's not very...hey, that doesn't have anything to do
with the plot!


At least, I want them to judge me on what I really did.

TUMNUS: So you'll be remembered as a bad-tempered, despicable traitor,
instead of simply a name. Excellent.
MAGLOR: It won't really help you, Eilinel.


Sauron promised me to let me go after the crying and calling thing.

BORIS: And that other thing...you know, that thing? That thing with all the
bad stuff?


I believed him. And I was right, for he did.

MAGLOR (as Sauron): Fine, I'll let you go.
TUMNUS (as Eilinel, falling over a cliff): Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!


“Lord Melkor told me that death was gift from the other Valar to men.

CHESTERFIELD (as Morgoth, pidgin): Death is gift. Men is bad. You is stupid.
MAGLOR: Wrong! This was Iluvatar's gift to Men; the Valar had nothing to do
with it!


Thanks to the Valar so-called love for humanity,

BORIS: Look, if opposable thumbs, knowledge of agriculture, and a world
population of over six billion aren't signs of Eru's love, then what is?


you’re only born so you can die. There’s no other choice.

MAGLOR: I suppose you can just not be born.

The youngest and purest newborn is already condemned.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, Sauron's a Calvinist now.

What do you think of it, girl?”

TUMNUS (as Eilinel, stupid voice): I think you're very cute and nice,
Sauron.


I didn’t think anything good about men, love, family or life in general
anymore,

BORIS: Well, technically, I never HAD, but...
MAGLOR: Eilinel, you sound like a teenager. Surely you had a more sophisticated
vocabulary at this point.


but I still had. . . maybe not trust. . .

CHESTERFIELD: Um...hold on...did my brain fall out or something?

but hope. . . and faith. . . in the Valar.

TUMNUS: Yes, thanks for coming to the point, after about five years.
BORIS; Argh! Damn dots!


I didn’t want to see the Halls of Mandos as being as hellish as some people
liked to depict it.

CHESTERFIELD (frustrated): Oh, yeah, like she'd even know what hell is, when
the idea hasn't even been thought of yet!
MAGLOR (annoyed): "Hellish"? What is so bad about waiting and musing
on your sorrows?


“You don’t answer, Eilinel. . . That’s not a good thing. . .

ALL: GAH! STOP PAUSING!

How can I be sure you’re not planning to betray me, now?”

BORIS (as Eilinel): Sauron, I'm starved, weak, and I have nothing to fight
for. You're just being paranoid now.
MAGLOR: Who else is picturing Sauron twirling a thick black mustache around one
finger?


Sauron wasn’t speaking nicely at all anymore.

TUMNUS (dimwitted little kid): And that was really, REALLY bad!

I was so afraid, I felt like crying. . .

BORIS (as Eilinel): If someone who's evil was nice before, but isn't nice
anymore, that means that he wasn't really nice in the first place! And if he
wasn't really nice in the first place, that means he wasn't good! And if he
wasn't good, that means he was just being polite, which is bad! And if you
haven't guessed by now, I'm outrageously stupid!


but no I had to be strong,

MAGLOR (laughing incredulously): WHY? You've betrayed your husband, you're
Sauron's prisoner. What good could "being strong" do you now?


my parents wanted me to be strong, strong as a boy,

CHESTERFIELD: That's why they kept slipping steroids into my
food...bastards.


strong as the heir they never had, but a heiress is better than nothing at all,
right?

TUMNUS: If she turns out like Luthien Tinuviel or Idril Celebrindal? Yes. If
she turns out like you? Absolutely not.


Certainly!

*snickers*
BORIS: This chipper replay is kind of out of place in this scene.


So I answered: “I won’t betray you, my Lord.”

CHESTERFIELD (snort): Oh, yeah, you're really being strong, Eilinel. Nice
defiance of Sauron, there.


“Flattery doesn’t work on me.

MAGLOR: "Really, it doesn't...say, did you mean what you said about me
being quite good-looking? Hmmm?"


Calling me your lord doesn’t mean anything.

BORIS (as Eilinel): Well, if I call you "Lord Honeybunch" or
"Lieutenant Sugar-Tush," does that mean anything to you?


You could very well be planning something.

TUMNUS: Oh, no, Eilinel's stupidity is contagious!
MAGLOR (incredulously) Sauron, are you joking?


Of course it wouldn’t work, but I would have to modify my own plans. I don’t
want it.

*much hysterical laughter*
CHESTERFIELD: This guy should have gone down in history as the most
incompetent, bumbling villain of all time.
BORIS: Yeah; Pitch the demon was more frightening than this version of Sauron.


I don’t want you to have late remorse

TUMNUS: Well, here's an idea: LOCK HER UP AND GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO YOUR
WORK.


and to warn your husband by shouting something stupid and cliché

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, how come it's okay for Sauron to sound stupid and cliché,
but not Eilinel?
MAGLOR (sarcastically): It is a privilege that comes with serving Morgoth. He
alone of all the Valar made ridiculous, trite speeches to anyone who listened
to him.


like ‘Beware my love, it’s a trap!’ and then run away with him.

TUMNUS (as Eilinel): Er, what if I shouted "Get away from there,
Gorlim! Sauron will kill you!" and then WALKED away with him? Would that
be all right?


Not that you could go very far before being killed, but better safe than
sorry.”

BORIS: Sauron is one of those villains who could murder you just by boring
you to death.
CHESTERFIELD: Next he's going to show Eilinel his photos from the Grand Canyon.


I didn’t understand what he was saying. I didn’t want to.

MAGLOR: I just wanted to get my hair and nails done!

He hadn’t told anything, but I knew, even if I didn’t want.

TUMNUS: I know, therefore I want.
CHESTERFIELD: At this point, MordorTari's probably just not even looking at
what she's typing.


I started crying, not even trying not to.

BORIS: I was going to die, and Sauron hadn't even taken me to bed yet!

“What are you going to do?”

ALL: NO! DON'T ASK!
MAGLOR: Now we'll be sitting here for a month!


“You’re going to receive the precious gift the Valar had in store for you since
your first breath, Eilinel.”

MAGLOR: MordorTari, the Valar don't just give gifts to anyone.
CHESTERFIELD: I think he's talking about death.


Was he joking, or?

BORIS: Either?
TUMNUS: Or?
CHESTERFIELD: Neither?
MAGLOR: Nor?


“Please don’t hurt me! Please”

BORIS (frustrated): Not hurt you?! Eilinel, this is SAURON here! What in
Arda did you expect him to do, tuck you into bed and bring you boxes of
chocolates?!


“A cliché again, girl. I’m not going to hurt you but to kill you”.

MAGLOR (disgustedly): If Sauron ever decided to kill someone mercifully,
without hurting him or her, I never heard of it.
TUMNUS: Now Sauron laughs like a maniac, accompanied by thunder and lightning.


I had to find something quickly. I did:

CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel): Hey, an old piece of lint! I'm going to treasure
this forever!


“But if you kill me, I won’t be able to help you with Gorlim?”

BORIS: Wait...I thought he's already been captured! What, is she going to
help Sauron torture him or something?
TUMNUS (as Eilinel to Gorlim): I never loved you, you wet blanket! And by the
way, Sauron is a much better lover than you could ever be!


He laughed. “Don’t worry about that, little girl.

MAGLOR (as Eilinel): Aw; I AM your little girl, right, Sauron?

Killing the body doesn’t destroy the soul.”

CHESTERFIELD: But Sauron, how can my SOUL help you with Gorlim? It doesn't
have a mouth or a voice, so it can't yell at him.
BORIS (shiver): Oh, Sauron, you're bringing back memories of the yodeling souls
in "An Elf's Love".


Then I knew there was no escape.

TUMNUS (deadpan): Thuringwethil had SEEN me trying to kiss Sauron...and she
was not happy about it.
BORIS: But WE can escape...it's time...
*all exit the theater*



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jules14
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(Wo)man on a Mission
I couldn’t do anything to survive.

MAGLOR: What do you mean, did I ever worry about Gorlim? Of course not! What
were you thinking?


But at the very least I could die in a honourable way, like my ancesters always
did.

BORIS: Eilinel, your own parents were slaughtered by orcs. Does that sound
honorable to you?


“I don’t really understand, but I don’t care.

TUMNUS (rolling his eyes): Oh, there’s a surprise.

Do kill me. Do it before I’m even more corrupted.

CHESTERFIELD: Man, I love your sense of timing, Eilinel. Of course it’s only
NOW that you’re worrying about your past deeds and the state of your soul.


I’m quite happy to die now that you haven’t entirely made me evil.”

MAGLOR (as Sauron): Perhaps not, but I HAVE made you boring. And you shall be
doomed to tell your boring life story for years to come! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!


“I don’t think a truly pure soul could be corrupted. Yours wasn’t, obviously.”

CHESTERFIELD: Wait; wasn’t pure or wasn’t corrupted?
MAGLOR: Considering that NOBODY in Arda has a pure soul…


This statement made me want to shout and to cry and to kick furniture and to
throw random objects at him,

BORIS: Yes, she’s truly an admirable, mature, intelligent young woman, isn’t
she?


because it sounded so mean (so true?).

MAGLOR: Oh, I don’t know!
TUMNUS (as Eilinel, little kid): Why are you so mean to me, Sauron?! I haven’t
done anything to you!


“What is obvious is that you planted the seed of evil in me.” I managed to say
as calmly as possible.

CHESTERFIELD (as Sauron): Look, it wouldn’t grow well in the greenhouse,
okay?! I'm sorry!


“The soil was probably great, for the tree grew well and fast and flourished.”

MAGLOR (laughing): I don’t care what anyone says; that was an excellent
response. And it was true as well. Nice one, Sauron.


I was going to answer when. . .

TUMNUS: I dropped dead suddenly. The end.
BORIS: No, it’s not the end yet.
TUMNUS (groaning): Why, Aslan, why?!


Blinding light glowing in front of me, disappearing as fast as it appeared. . .

CHESTERFIELD: Whoa; Sauron’s put strobe lighting in his castle.

something looking like a dagger. . .

BORIS: What, she’s Macbeth now?

I can feel the blade. . . piercing my heart. . .

MAGLOR: It makes…me talk…with…many…pauses…and…ellipses…
TUMNUS: Who cares?! She’s FINALLY dying!


I’m not a faint of heart (I swear mother, I swear),

CHESTERFIELD: I’m not a coward; I’m just pathetic and whiny!

but I cannot. . . breath. . . anymore. . . I am falling, am I not?

*Tumnus looks at an imaginary watch*
MAGLOR: Do all mortals take such a long time to die?


Everything is darkening. . .

BORIS (as Sauron): Damn! The power’s gone out AGAIN! Thuringwethil, where’s
last month’s electric bill?


I can see his face so clearly, though. . . He is so pale. . .

CHESTERFIELD: So he’s lyke, a vampire and hes soooooooo hawt!!!111

Maybe I’m not dying, maybe I killed him. . .

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah right.
TUMNUS: How did that happen? Did he stab himself because of your idiocy?


Yes, I pierced his heart through and through

ALL: Er…no, you didn’t.

to save Gorlim, to save my honour

ALL: WHAT honor?
MAGLOR: I would feel rather sorry for Eilinel, if only she weren’t so
unlikable.


(my honour is already dead, maybe we’re all dead). . .

BORIS: My hamster’s dead too…(sniffle)…and so are my geraniums…

Sauron himself is dead, I killed him. . .

TUMNUS: What the…
MAGLOR: Where did THIS come from?


Why am I bleeding, then?

CHESTERFIELD: Probably because you’re on your period.

You can recognize aristocrats by their white skin, Mother said.

BORIS: Mother was a Southern belle and a Nazi supporter, by the way.

Being pale is elegant. Being dead can be elegant too, I guess.

MAGLOR (shaking his head): My Iluvatar. Just when I thought she couldn’t
sound any stupider and more incoherent…
CHESTERFIELD: Come on! Now MordorTari’s not even trying!


But who will love me when I’m dead?

TUMNUS: The worms?

“What do you think now, girl? How great, how marvellous a gift it is!”

CHESTERFIELD: Actually, he’s right about that.
BORIS: Yes, THANK you, Sauron, for finally getting rid of her!


His voice ended the reverie violently.

TUMNUS (as Eilinel): Blast you, Sauron, you interrupted my arousing fantasy
about you!


I opened my eyes. I was no heroin.

*laughter*

I hadn’t killed Sauron.

TUMNUS: Oh, she was IMAGINING that she’d killed Sauron. I see now.

I was dying, couldn’t stop crying,

BORIS: Hey, isn’t that line from a song by Evanescence?

trying not to cough even if I there was a strange taste in mouth

CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel): Yuck, sardines and sweat socks.

(oh I knew it was blood, I knew it, but I just didn’t want to actually see it),

MAGLOR: Yes, I avoided facing reality until the very end, ladies and
gentlemen.


lying on the floor in a puddle of blood that grew with every heart beat.

*everyone hums sad music*

I noticed he had blue eyes, just like my father

CHESTERFIELD: So Thuringwethil looks like her mother and Sauron looks like
her father. Is anyone else thinking of some really unpleasant, Sueish plot
twist that’s probably coming up?
MAGLOR: Ugh.


(Mother, Father, are you waiting for me in the Halls of Mandos,

TUMNUS: Oh, come now; they must have moved beyond the Circles of the World
by NOW. It’s what, nine thousand years since they were killed?


or did you forget your always so disappointing failure of a daughter?).

CHESTERFIELD (as Eilinel’s parents): We HAD, until you came back to bother
us again. Thanks a lot.


Did it mean something? Why did it take me so much time to notice?

BORIS: Maybe because you’re DUMBER THAN A BAG OF HAMMERS?!

“Melkor is right”, I said. And I died.

*much cheering and applause*
TUMNUS: Hooray! It’s over at last!
MAGLOR: Indeed, we can leave now…can we not?


As a ghost I did what I had to do, then I was free to go.

ALL: NO!
BORIS: Oh, Eilinel, we KNOW you’re a ghost; you don’t need to tell us more!
CHESTERFIELD: I wish WE were free to go.


I didn’t go to Mandos’, though. I was too afraid of the judgement, for Gorlim was caught.

MAGLOR: I was under the impression that mortals had no choice about going to
Mandos before leaving the world.
CHESTERFIELD: Aw, Eilinel’s speshul, Maglor. If it allows her to wangst, she
can stay in Middle-earth.
TUMNUS: Either that or not even Mandos wants her.


Not unlike me he believed Sauron.

TUMNUS: The fact that he was trying to rescue me instead of going to bed
with Sauron doesn’t matter. He’s STILL as selfish and awful as I am!


Not unlike me, he betrayed the people who meant everything to him.

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, whatever.

Too bad I learned we had so much in common so late.

BORIS: Oh, man, I can imagine Eilinel and Gorlim’s life together if they’d
survived…
MAGLOR (as Eilinel): Your betrayal of our people was worse than mine!
TUMNUS (as Gorlim): No, yours was worse! At least I thought about you in my captivity!


He was braver than me, but I already knew that.

CHESTERFIELD: The fact that he put up with me for so many years is living
proof of his bravery.


He went to the Halls even though he had so much to pay.

MAGLOR (puzzled): So now Mandos has started charging people to come to his
Halls?


Sauron didn’t kill him himself, but he had the orcs do it.

TUMNUS: Hmmm; I suppose Sauron considers it an honor to be killed by him
instead of his servants.
BORIS: Actually, you’re not far off.


I watched but didn’t see, for my eyes were blinded by tears.

CHESTERFIELD: Tears?! She’s a goddamn GHOST!

I don’t think our souls will never be together again.

MAGLOR: She’s probably going to forbid him from fighting in the Dagor
Dagorath until he puts on clean underclothes.


I would rather it never happens. What would I tell him?

BORIS: Well, you COULD just say that Sauron brainwashed you, and you were
too worn-out by torture to fight…he’ll understand, since the same thing
happened to him. Of course then your infatuation with Sauron will probably come
out somewhere…


“Sorry but I always trust beautiful and elegant people with eyes like my
fathers’”?

CHESTERFIELD: Eilinel, that would be the dumbest thing you could ever say to
him.
TUMNUS: It would sound better if you at least didn’t call Sauron “beautiful”
and “elegant”.


So cliché.

BORIS (valley-girl): Like, so cliché! Like, totally!

I am still too afraid to leave, even after millennia. I will always be.

MAGLOR: Please, Eilinel, I understand you’re upset, but why take it out on
us?
CHESTERFIELD: You know, you DO leave the world after you’re dead for a while.
You’d think you’d want to go away forever.


Eternally I shall haunt Arda, knowing everything, known by none.

TUMNUS: Well, except for the unlucky Hogwarts students who find me floating
and wailing in my broom cupboard…


The world has changed, but men’s hearts haven’t.

BORIS: And they’re still nasty, loud, sexist pigs… (sniff)

What remains of the world I used to live in is Sauron.

MAGLOR: After leaving the Void, Morgoth, in a burst of creativity,
transforms the planet into Sauron, instead of going by his predicted
destruction plan.


That won’t change for I think he will never ever fall.

*Pause*
CHESTERFIELD: Uh-huh…look, you’re a little behind the times, Eilinel…


I could be mistaken though, even after centuries and centuries and centuries.

TUMNUS: And centuries. And even more centuries. And still more centuries.
BORIS: Boy, being dead has really destroyed her memory and her common sense.


But saying I hope I’m mistaken would be lying.

*all facefault*
MAGLOR: My darling Sauron will reign forever! And I’ll cheer him on from beyond
the grave!
CHESTERFIELD: This is like a freakish version of teenage girls lusting after
Legolas.


Some plants grow easily but are almost impossible to destroy.

ALL: YAH!
TUMNUS: What the…this has nothing to do with the story!
BORIS: So now she’s going into a rant about invasive plant species?!


One of them grow within my heart and my soul.

MAGLOR: Ugh…
BORIS: Why don’t you sprinkle Parmesan on that last sentence, MordorTari; I’m
sure it can use a little more cheese.


Its name is Darkness.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yuck!
TUMNUS: Boo!
MAGLOR: Oh, the oldest angst-fic cliché in the book!
BORIS: Come on, MordorTari!


Forgive me my last words, if you can,

CHESTERFIELD: Saruman, no! It was the kind of shit that would lead right up
to an Evanescence songfic!


but don’t forget them.

TUMNUS (grimly): Unfortunately, we won’t.

Pray for me,

ALL: For the love of Arda, NO!

for I’ll never see the Halls of Mandos.

MAGLOR: And just whose fault is that, pray tell?

Pray for Eilinel, wife of Gorlim son of Angrim.

BORIS: I’ll do it with pleasure. You, on the other hand, whoever the hell
you are, are not getting prayed for.
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, it’s over now.
TUMNUS: Ah, she finally shut her mouth and went back into her grave…
*all exit the theater*


“Hi, guys, how was the fanfic this time?” Jules asked cheerfully. With no sign
of her earlier sickness, she sat at the table and waved at her companions in a
friendly fashion.

“Jules! You’re alive!” Boris gasped, while Chesterfield stared at her incredulously. “How did…where’s…”

“Boromir’s in the bathroom right now, but he’s okay too,” Jules interrupted.
“Anyway, I’m healthy as a horse.” Then she added, impatiently, “Aren’t you
going to introduce me to your friend?”

“Oh, yeah…” Boris cleared his throat and indicated Tumnus. “Jules, this is
Tumnus the faun; Tumnus, this is Jules.” The faun gave a brief nod, watching
the girl warily. “And the elf over here is…” he spun around in surprise. Maglor
was nowhere to be seen.

“That’s weird. Where’d Maglor go?” Chesterfield
asked, as surprised as Boris. They might never have known, had not Tumnus
spotted the folded piece of paper on the floor. He picked it up and scanned it
quickly.

“This says Maglor has been rescued by Iluvatar himself,” Tumnus told them in
disbelief. “Apparently, he’s going back to Aman...he wishes us well, and tells
us that he hopes we’ll find a way off the satellite.”

For a long while, there was silence. Chesterfield was the first to break it.

“I don’t believe it,” the Uruk-hai said in disbelief. “He left WITHOUT us? Why
didn’t he at least put in a good word for us? Why didn’t he insist that we come
too?”

“Well, it’s obvious why you and Boris weren’t rescued,” snarled Jules crossly,
earning an irritated look from both Boris and Chesterfield. “But what about me? I never
served evil; I never swore an evil oath…and how about Boromir? What about his
sacrifice?”

No one knew the answer. Jules was still too tired to rage and storm about the
unfairness of life; instead, she scowled at the tabletop, muttering “This
sucks” every so often. Though everyone was glad to see Boromir alive and well,
nothing could bring up the general mood, but the fact that Boromir was
accompanied by a dreamy-looking, strangely-dressed blonde girl provoked some
curiosity.

“This is Luna Lovegood,” Boromir stated, indicating the girl next to him.
“Apparently Morgoth sent her up here…at least I found her in the broom
cupboard...”

“It was You-Know-Who,” said the girl from the Potterverse, sounding dejected
under her dreamy voice. “In return for Morgoth’s replacing Sauron with him, he
asked to be allowed to pick somebody to torture…why did he pick me? WHY?”

“Who knows?” Jules muttered, still pissed-off about Maglor’s overlooking his
companions on the satellite. “But there’s six of us, so at least we can read
the fanfics in shifts now…surely Morgoth wouldn’t make us all go into the
theater at once? Not even he’d be that cruel.”

“If he sent us ‘An Elf’s Love’ and ‘Violation of the Evenstar’? You’re joking,” Chesterfield replied.



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