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| The Pride of Boromir: the MST; 4th Worst LotR Fic Ever | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 11 2008, 02:54 PM (1,902 Views) | |
| jules14 | Nov 11 2008, 02:54 PM Post #1 |
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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Disclaimer: Morgoth, Uruk-hai, Nazgul, Boromir, and everything else that has anything to do with Tolkien’s world belongs to the Tolkien Estates, and some belongs to New Line Cinema. Tumnus the faun and Narnia belong to C.S. Lewis and to the Disney Company. Boris the Nazgul belongs to Araiona Dubois. Chesterfield and Jules belong to me. Luna Lovegood belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, and Semirhage and the Wheel of Time series belong to the late Robert Jordan. MST3K belongs to Best Brains Inc. This story belongs to Luinil Telcontar and was taken from adultfanfiction.net (though it is not up on that site anymore). THEME SONG: In the not-too-distant future In a place untouched by man, The evil dark lord Morgoth Continued his evil plan. He’d kept the girl by the name of Jules: His very first victim and one of the fools Whom he’d sent to the Void for a bit of fun. Now she’d have to suffer agony until her life was done. JULES: It sucks, to tell you the truth. I’ll send her awful fanfics (ooh ooh!) The worst I can find! (la la la!) She’ll have to sit and read them all And I’ll monitor her mind (la la la!) Remember Jules still can’t control When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!) She’ll have to keep her sanity With the help of all her friends! DAILY ROLL CALL! LUNA! (IT WAS THE NARGLES!) BOROMIR! (BLOODY RING!) BORIS! (ME AGAIN!) CHESTERFIELD! (SUES TASTE GOOD!) TUMNUS! (WHY AM I STILL HERE?!) JUUUUUUUUUUUULES! (THAT’S ONE “U”!) If you wonder how this went on so long And other useless facts (la la la!) Just repeat to yourself it’s all a joke You should really just relax– MORGOTH: Did I tell you Semirhage is here? For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000! "How are you, Jules?" asked Boromir, noticing with some concern that the girl had bags under her eyes and that she walked as if in her sleep. "As well as can be expected," she answered glumly, "given the circumstances. I mean, you´d think I would get SOME rest, after convincing Tumnus not to jettison himself into space after the last Doivenya fiasco, but no. No, Morgoth apparently feels he has to make up for the number of fics Semirhage´s sent us." "Well, who says you have to do the one he´s sending today?" Boris said. "Go to bed, get some rest, and let the rest of us take care of it." "No," Jules said unhappily. "I´m Morgoth´s main victim, remember? No matter what I do, he´s going to make SURE I´m in the theater reading fics. Last time he let it slide, since I was looking for Tumnus, but I think if he found out I was just resting in bed, he would have me dumped in the theater--and then I´d wake up to a horrible sex scene or a Mary Sue." Boromir rolled his eyes. "Jules, sometimes I think you´re a complete sadist." Tumnus, who had been sitting in relative silence for a while, volunteered, "Well, at least we won´t get more Doivenya rubbish, as Morgoth is sending us the fic." As if on cue, Morgoth´s face appeared, and he said, "No, no Doivenya today. But I assure you, what you´re getting today is ten--nay, a hundred--times worse. It is a fic packed with slash and rape and incest. And Boromir, I picked it especially for you." Boromir nearly had a heart attack at these words. Jules began frantically whispering to him, "Run, go to your room...we´ll get Chesterfield or Luna to take your place..." "Don´t even think it," Morgoth said, smiling evilly. "If you try to run, you will be thrown into the theater by force, Boromir. But I am giving you five minutes to prepare. You will need it." Now the prisoners were sick with fear. Everyone remembered what fic they had been forced to read the last time Morgoth had given them time to prepare. Boromir, showing none of his usual courage, slunk off to his room, looking as though he were walking to the gallows, or, given the circumstances, a Phantom´s Ange story-reading. Morgoth, who seemed to be struggling to hold back laughter, turned to Jules. "And Jules, you might wish to use these five minutes to prepare as well. Given your new--appreciation--for a certain Gondorian, the fic might prove nearly as difficult for you to handle." "My new appreciation...what the..." Jules´s brow furrowed in confusion, and then she realized, and her eyes widened in horror. "Oh, no. No." "Yes," Morgoth said cruelly. "You correctly guessed what role Denethor plays in this story." "But...you...you´ll kill Boromir!" Jules shrieked, losing control completely. "It´s his FATHER we´re going to be reading about, and...and..." she trailed off as she realized that her other arguments would be futile. Morgoth WANTED to kill Boromir and her. This was the whole point of their imprisonment. "Well, now you have four minutes," the Dark Lord said mildly. "I suggest you spend them preparing and not arguing." Jules found Chesterfield and Luna and began desperately pleading with them to take her and Boromir´s places. But the other two prisoners were adamant in their refusals. "I heard what Morgoth said about the fic," Chesterfield said. "Sorry, but I´m not doing it: I just had a huge lunch, and I don´t want to get sick." "I´m very sorry, Jules," Luna replied dreamily. "It seems bad fanfiction causes the nargles to attack; I had a terrible time fighting them off after the last fic." "Goddamn you, you cowards!" Jules screamed, longing desperately to throw something at them. "If Boromir and I die, we´re holding you responsible!" She stormed back to the bridge. Luna turned to Chesterfield with a little shiver and said, "Did she get up on the wrong side of the bed?" "Nah, she´s just remembering a fic that almost killed her," the Uruk-hai answered. "But she´s overreacting. There´s no way this fic can be as bad as the other one was. After all, this one doesn´t have any Mary Sues." At the end of the five minutes, Morgoth called Jules and Boromir back and made his more traditional announcment: "I present, for your enjoyment, 'The Pride of Boromir,' by Luinil Telcontar. Read it and weep." The lights began flashing. Jules screamed "We´ve got fanfic sign!" sounding more hysterical than usual. She, Boromir, Tumnus, and Boris ran through the six doors into the theater. Chapter One Thorongil, or Isildur's Heir? ALL: Hmmm... TUMNUS: Well, why don´t we compromise and call him "Thorongil´s Heir"? BORIS: Or perhaps "Isilgil"? Boromir, son of Denathor was furious. JULES (as Boromir): Who is this “Denathor”?! WHO?! Who DARES say I´m his son?! BOROMIR: "WHY am I trapped in another badfic! Argh!" He stormed through the gardens of Imladris, the expression on his face suggesting brutal murder, the fire in his eyes deadly enough to frighten Sauron himself. TUMNUS: Well, or so he thought, before he actually TRIED to frighten Sauron and the latter fell onto the floor laughing. However, the son of Gondor's mind was far from the Dark Lord of Mordor. No, his thoughts were riveted on a certain ranger of the North. BORIS: Halbarad? JULES: Don´t be stupid; this is a Suethor. On a certain Aragorn, son of Arathorn. JULES: See? BORIS: Oh, sorry; I was hoping for some originality. On the true heir to the throne of his beloved Gondor. BOROMIR: All right, all right, I know who he is! Anybody reading Arda fanfiction is going to know who he is! Boromir growled and slammed his fist into a nearby fence, grimmacing at the pain that shot through his knuckles. TUMNUS (as Boromir, stupidly): Oops. JULES: What, he thinks he´s a black belt in karate all of a sudden? "Isildur's Heir," he swore, rubbing his throbbing hand. BORIS: Hey, cool; I didn´t know it was a curse now. JULES: I´m going to start saying “Isildur´s Heir” now instead of “shit”. "I will never bow to that filthy excuse for a king! Never!" BORIS: Man, you´re coming on a little strong, eh, Boromir? JULES: Oh, come on; that one sentence makes the lines from my Disney "Lord of the Rings" look original. "You will never need to," came a soft voice from behind him. TUMNUS (startled): Whoa! BOROMIR: Who´s talking? Whirling around, Boromir's hand flew to the hilt of his sword before he realised that the figure behind him was the very man of whom he had just been cursing. ALL: WAH WAH WAH! BOROMIR (grimace): I always hated it when things like that happened. JULES: I feel ya, Boromir. He did not relax his grip upon the hilt of his blade. BORIS (as Boromir): How DARE you sneak up on me like that?! TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Look, enough with the "filthy" slurs! Why don´t you try to stay clean while spending forty years in the wilderness and see how easy it is? "My Leige," he said, mocking sarcasm dripping from every syllable. "How may I serve my king?" JULES (amazed): Geez, Boromir, surely you didn´t hate him THAT much! BOROMIR: No, but if he had acted the way he does in badfics, I would have. JULES: Good point. Boromir was satisfied to see the anger flash in the ranger's eyes. BORIS: Oh, Aragorn, snap out of it. You had to endure worse insults from the Breelanders; pull yourself together, for Sauron´s sake! "I am not your king," Aragorn snapped harshly. JULES: "Because your father just WON´T die..." *Boromir pinches her in the arm* JULES: Ow! I was just kidding! "It is a destiny I do not want. I have never wanted it!" BORIS (incredulous): Are you kidding me? JULES: Oh, please, stop taking the movie´s changes to extremes! Look, in the film he was HESITANT about it, not BITTER! TUMNUS: Hmmm...either Peter Jackson should never have made the films or they should have been made but forbidden to all stupid people. I can´t decide which should have been the case. Tell that to your prissy elf," Boromir scoffed, *Laughter and clapping* BOROMIR: Ah, the Legolas insults. I hate to say it, but after all the Legomances out there, the insults are very refreshing. turning away from the man, allowing his hand to fall from his sword hilt. BORIS: Er...after the words "prissy elf," I don´t think you want to do that, Boromir. Aren´t you forgetting that Aragorn was practically raised by elves? "He seems convinced that you will claim your rightful place among people that are not even yours!" JULES: Ooh; burn! BOROMIR: Actually, I did have a point. Direct heir of Isildur or not, Aragorn was clearly of the north. He only lived in Gondor on visits, and in disguise. He knew our history and customs, but he wasn´t...well, he just didn´t belong there. That´s the best I can explain it. JULES (yawn): Fascinating. "Hold your tongue, son of Gondor," Aragorn growled from behind Boromir. TUMNUS (as Boromir): Aragorn, you are not going to frighten me by imitating a grizzly bear. Just give it up. "If you are going to be a part of this Fellowship, then all emnity and resentment must end here. BORIS (as Boromir): Yeah, great, Strider. Who made you in charge of the damn Fellowship, anyway? BOROMIR: Well, Gandalf did, but not until the wizard was about to die. We cannot aford for the quest to go awry simply because of your damaged pride!" JULES: Oh, good going, Aragorn; blame everything on Boromir. You´re acting real kingly just now, I must say. TUMNUS: Er...what if the quest goes awry because of your UNREASONABLY BAD TEMPER, Aragorn? Boromir whipped around ALL: AAHHHHH! JULES: Oh, my God, the kink and slash are starting early! and took a threatening step forward. Aragorn matched him with one of his own. JULES (relieved): Oh...it was just saying he turned around really fast. Never mind. BOROMIR (confused): Wait...wasn´t he already facing...I think I´m losing track of the facial positions here. "Will you strike me, Boromir?" he asked softly, his grey eyes sad. TUMNUS (in disbelief): SAD?! Really, Aragorn, you were the one picking a fight with him! "Do you hate me for being born with a destiny I do not want?" JULES (rolling her eyes): Oh, now comes the guilt trip for Boromir. Give me a break. BORIS: Still, Aragorn IS portrayed better here than he is in "The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts". TUMNUS (grimacing in disgust): Indeed. All anger was gone from the man before him BOROMIR: I cannot remember Aragorn ever having mood swings. TUMNUS: Oh, no, maybe this IS going to be like "The Fellowship Hits Hogwarts"... and Boromir saw only a weary ranger with a destiny he was loathed to claim. BOROMIR (sarcastically): Indeed, because being king is so much worse than spending years alone in the wild: mocked by passersby, fighting Sauron without acknowledgement, not enough food, no baths... JULES: What, so Aragorn is Mowgli or Tarzan now?! Jesus Christ! Still, his pride would not allow his heart to speak for him. BORIS: Actually, Boromir, your pride should be making you apologize and walk away. Please? So we don´t have to read this stupid conversation? "Nay, ranger," he said. "I despise the fact that you have spent your life playing in the wild while your people fought for their freedom against Sauron. BOROMIR: Ah, now I remember! I DID say something to this effect--not as bluntly, but at least I actually said it! TUMNUS: Ah, this is more like you, Boromir. Now I think you´re starting to get back in character. Were you too proud to join us in our fight, or does dirt and grime take pressidence over the lives of those you would rule?" JULES (as Aragorn): Well, dirt and grime DID elect me a year ago, and I´ve been trying to...hey! The anger was back in the ranger's eyes and before Boromir could so much as blink, Aragorn had him pinned against the high wooden fence the man of Gondor had so recently struck. JULES: Oh, no... BOROMIR (shocked): Dear Iluvatar... BORIS: Oh, Sauron, tell me Aragorn isn´t going to... TUMNUS: Don´t even think it! "You speak of things you do not know," Aragorn growled furiously. BOROMIR (frustrated): Stop growling! There are other ways to demonstrate anger, Luinil! He could be shouting, or hissing, or snapping, or...just enough with the bloody growling! "My wanderings have been anything but pleasant. They have been riddled with pain and toil. JULES (as Aragorn): So feel sorry for ME, dammit! I suffered more than you; you´re just selfish to worry about your city and people when *I´ve* been under so much stress! You jerk! And as for never helping the people of Gondor, that is a lie. BORIS: "I gave your father the pamphlet about that psychiatrist in Dol Amroth, and what did the ungrateful bastard do? Sent me away! Hmph." I remember you, little bratling, from my days in the White City. *Pause* BOROMIR: Bratling? TUMNUS: What the...? From my days as Thorongil." BOROMIR: Oh, that explains...wait...why was he calling me a brat? Surely I wasn´t THAT obnoxious a lad. Boromir was stunned. No. This man, this usurper of the throne could not be his beloved Thorongil; his mentor, his idol, his friend. BOROMIR (incredulously): Is Luinil joking? JULES: I don´t think so. Why? BOROMIR: Because Thorongil was NOT my mentor or idol or friend! He fought in the army! He was barely aware I existed, for Eru´s sake! "Th-Thorongil?" Boromir gasped ALL: St-stutter... and then before he could stop himself, he was in Aragorn's arms, clinging to the man as though he would never let him go. *Boromir slams his head on the back of his seat* BORIS: Funny; in fanfiction, Middle-earth seems so much more--touchy-feely--than I remember it. "Yes, little warrior," Aragorn said, wrapping his arms around the man. "It is I." TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Now, let´s have sex! "You've gotten so... so..." Boromir struggled for words. JULES: "Smelly. And greasy. Seriously; have you taken a SINGLE bath in thirty years?" "Old?" Aragorn supplied with a small smile. JULES: Okay, that works too. TUMNUS (confused): I thought the Numenorean blood prevented him from aging much until he reached a hundred, at least. "You are one to speak. The last time I beheld you, you were little more than five summers and still flailing about with a wooden sword like the little fledgling you are." BORIS: Okay, that was awkward. I think Luinil just inserted the sentence, "Look who´s talking! Last time I saw you you were only a little whippersnapper!" into an online translator of medieval English. BOROMIR (incredulously): WHAT did he just call me? Boromir made an indignant noise and pulled out of Aragorn's arms. JULES (as Boromir): WHAT did you just call me? "I was ten! Little Fledgling indeed!" he exclaimed, TUMNUS (yawn): Well, it seems Aragorn and Boromir have a good deal of catching up to do. JULES: Here´s hoping it doesn´t last the rest of the chapter. making Aragorn laugh and ruffle his hair as he used to do during his days as Thorongil. BOROMIR (a little sickened): Erm... BORIS: Oh, dear. "You will always be my little fledgling, my tiny warrior," the ranger said fondly. "Whether I am king or mere ranger, naught will change the fact that in my eyes you will always be that impertinent little lad who thought the world revolved around him." BOROMIR (nauseated): Oh, my Iluvatar... JULES: Oh, yuck, this isn´t endearing; it´s creepy! TUMNUS: Yes; it adds a whole new dimension of pedophilia to the situation! Aragorn's mouth was grim, but his eyes were laughing. BORIS (as Aragorn): Okay, I´m DEFINITELY freaking him out...man, if he runs away, I´m gonna laugh SO hard... However, all amusement left his face when he saw Boromir's own eyes darken with confusion and doubt. JULES (as Boromir): Aragorn, something isn´t right. Call me paranoid, but something tells me I´m acting a lot wimpier than normal. BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Oh, Boromir, don´t...wait a second...so am I! Pulling out of the man's arms, Boromir turned and continued to walk along the garden path, BORIS (as Boromir): Now, where did Elrond say he was having that tea party again? caring not if Aragorn followed or remained. His thoughts were whirling about in his head with the force of the sand storms in the deserts of Harid. JULES: Uh-huh...look, Luinil; if you´ve got to struggle THAT much to put a simile in, you shouldn´t use the simile. BOROMIR: Where on earth is "Harid" anyway? Was this truly his Thorongil or was this man Isildur's heir? TUMNUS: He´s BOTH! Weren´t you listening, Boromir? Had Aragorn ever truly been Thorongil or had he always been the king of men, simply performing his duties to gain favour with Boromir's people? BOROMIR: Er...wasn´t that the whole POINT of him disguising himself as Thorongil? To gain favor with my people? BORIS: Oh, don´t be ridiculous, Boromir. He was disguising himself all for you so you didn´t have to be abused by your lyke so totaly meen nd not hawt dad!!11!!1 BOROMIR (raising his fist threateningly): Mention such things about my father again, even in jest... BORIS: Sorry. Had everything the son of Gondor known and loved in his mentor been naught but a beautiful lie? TUMNUS: Oh, Aslan, do we have to call the wambulance THIS early? I was hoping we´d have a chapter or two to prepare for it! JULES: Maybe not, but you´d better get out a barf bag, just in case. It couldn't have been. But then again, it could have. ALL: Make up your mind! "Boromir?" The soft voice made him pause and turn. BORIS: "Would this be a bad time to suggest having healing sex?" "Who are you?" the man of Gondor asked around the lump in his throat. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): I´ve TOLD you this THREE TIMES! WHY are you being so dense?! BOROMIR: Wait...when did I suddenly get strep throat? "I knew you as Thorongil, but you are not him. Nor were you who the little ones took you to be. JULES (as Boromir): In fact...*scrutinizing Aragorn*...you´re actually Dick Cheney in a false beard! Oh, Eru, get away from me; ugh!! You hide your true self from all those who grow to love you. You are a lie, Aragorn. You are one large and lonely lie." *Much laughter* BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Er...I´ll overlook the "large" part... BORIS: I thought Rowsdower was larger and lonelier than Aragorn. He paused and then said the words that he knew would hurt the ranger. JULES: "I´ve been sleeping with Arwen for two years now!" "I wish I never met you, ranger and I no longer want to know you." JULES: Oh. Never mind. TUMNUS: Oh, come now, how old is Aragorn, eight?! He understands Boromir´s mental turmoil: he´s not going to be hurt by such hasty words! And with this Boromir turned and strode away, leaving the stunned man to gape after him, BORIS (as Aragorn): Man, SOMEBODY´S been having a bad day. JULES (as Aragorn): When did Boromir start getting PMS? raw hurt in his gray eyes. BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Oof, those contacts are really bothering me...I must see if I can fix this up before the Quest... As he watched the Gondorian turn his back on the one person aside from his brother who had ever shown him true love, BOROMIR: WHAT?! TUMNUS: Seriously, are they forgetting his mother and father, his cousins, his army comrades?! BORIS: Look, even if you WANTED to portray Denethor as abusive, this wouldn´t make sense, because Denethor LOVED Boromir! the pain in Aragorn's eyes cooled to icy rage. JULES (as Aragorn): WHAT has that badfic author done to me?! She WILL pay! This man would learn, and Eru be damned if Aragorn would not be the one to teach him. BOROMIR: Teach me WHAT?! TUMNUS: Oh, Aslan, I have an idea, but I don´t want to say it... Oh yes, his little fledgling's pride would not survive so much as a moon. JULES: So he´s supposed to LOVE Boromir, and now he´s going to HUMILIATE him?! BORIS: Oh, Sauron...logic? Please? Where´s the logic? *Boromir is in shock* "Enjoy your arrogance, Boromir," Aragorn whispered aloud. "It will soon be your downfall." *Everyone is speechless. What can be said?* And with this, the future king of Gondor turned on his heel and walked swiftly into the night, allowing the darkness to swallow him whole. BORIS: So was that scene supposed to be symbolic or just stupid? JULES: Oh, Luinil was probably going for symbolic, but it ended up being stupid anyway. TBC BOROMIR: NO! TUMNUS: Well, perhaps Luinil stopped here and just gave up... ******* BORIS (singing): Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! A/N: I know it's short, but I've got a bit of writer's block. JULES: Yeah...I think what you call "writer´s block" is really just a total and complete lack of talent, sweetie. Besides, I didn't want to write a huge chapter until I know it's worth continuing ALL: IT´S NOT!! and that I'm not butchering my poor Lioncourt's challenge! TUMNUS: And yet you´re not worried about butchering poor Tolkien´s work? You shouldn´t even be writing in this fandom. LOL. BOROMIR (quiet but deadly): Kill her. Please. So R&R? Please? Pretty please with a Frodo on top? *Silence* JULES: I´m with you all the way now, Boromir. Kill her. Very slowly and painfully. *all exit the theater* Review here |
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| jules14 | Nov 13 2008, 06:50 PM Post #2 |
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings book series and movie series, nor any of the characters from it. TUMNUS: So you shouldn´t do such terrible things to... *Jules claps a hand over his mouth* JULES: That argument never works. Trust me; Í´ve tried. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. BOROMIR: I would pay you a great deal to GET RID OF IT! *hyperventilates* Chapter Two Punishment ALL: Whoa! BORIS: Wow, Luinil´s psychic! A/N: Thank you to all the loyal readers who have waited for this update. *everyone boos and hisses* I love you all! Especially you, Lioncourt. JULES: Well, I´ll be damned, I´ve got someone new to put on my shit-list! *scribbles the name "Lioncourt" on a piece of paper* Your enthusiasm is what's keeping me going. *hugs tight* BOROMIR: Ugh... TUMNUS: Isn´t it ironic how the people who demonstrate the most affection, even on the internet, are really the nastiest at heart? BORIS: Wow. And now, on with the show! BORIS (as Luinil): I mean a nasty, X-rated, black-leather-clad stunt show, of course. Warning: This chapter features M/M spanking. BOROMIR (gulp): Oh, no. Oh, Iluvatar, no. No, no, no... JULES: We´re dead...*shudder* ******* BORIS: Hey, cool; it´s the Seven Stars of the Valacirca. Aragorn slammed the door to his chamber, unbuckled his sword and hurled it across the room ´ JULES: Sheesh; isn´t Aragorn a little old for these tantrums? TUMNUS: Well, perhaps it´s an explosion of feeling, after holding it in for so long? with an explosion of elvish curses so vile BOROMIR (curiously): What DO Elvish curses sound like? BORIS: Well...how about "Elbereth´s nipples!" "Morgoth´s buttcrack!" TUMNUS: Maybe they just say "Pushuruk!" they would have made even the Lady Galadriel cringe. JULES (sigh): Lady Galadriel was a warrior, a Ring-bearer, and the next-best thing to a queen. She is not gonna cringe because of a few swear words. The little bratling had done it again! BORIS: He´d actually acted like a normal human being instead of licking Aragorn´s boots! How DARE he! The ranger had spent the entire morning in conference with the Lord Elrond, Gandalf, Legolas and Boromir. TUMNUS (in disbelief): And Gimli is excluded AGAIN! BOROMIR: Not to mention Frodo! He´s the Ringbearer, isn´t he? Why isn´t he in conference? The moment he had realised the only available seat was the one beside his fledgling, Aragorn knew his temper was going to be tried once again. BORIS: Seriously? Just from SITTING next to him?! This is like reading from the point of view of a first grader! JULES: Okay, Luinil, the "fledgling" thing is really getting out of hand now. He hadn't been disappointed. Boromir refused to acknowledge his presence, even when he was addressed directly. TUMNUS (as Boromir, with his fingers in his ears): Na, na, na-na, na, I´m not listening, I can´t heeeaarrrr you! BOROMIR: Argh...this is not me... He would reply, but never once would he even glance the ranger's way or give any indication that it was Aragorn's question he was answering. BORIS: So? Maybe he was just shy, or he had something else on his mind. JULES: Yeah, like, oh, THE RING, perhaps? Needless to say, by the time the meeting was over all Aragorn wanted to do was grab the impertinent little brat, fling him over his knee and show him just how bitterly Andúril's hilt could bite. *everyone stares at the screen in shock* BOROMIR: "Impertinent little brat"...I was forty-one! TUMNUS (stunned): Is everybody from Arda so...evil...in real life? With a growl, the ranger wrenched off his brown tunic and flung it into a corner. BORIS (as Rivendell maid): Oh, great...Elrond´s foster-son threw another temper tantrum last week... Stomping over to the wash basin beside the bed, he gazed at his reflection in the crystaline water before bending over and submerging his head completely. JULES (as Aragorn): I hate you! BOROMIR: Well, it´s somewhat different from the traditional scene of the Mary Sue smashing her mirror. As his flaming face was soothed, Aragorn closed his eyes and tried to compose himself. BORIS (as Aragorn): Floating in the sea at Dol Amroth...must calm myself down...must think sea at Dol Amroth... It wasn't working. JULES (as Aragorn): Damn; I can´t believe I spent fifty bucks on those anger management classes! With a groan, Aragorn straightened, reached for a large cloth and began rubbing at his hair a bit more violently than was truly necessary. TUMNUS: Oh, Aragorn, I know you´re upset, but why take it out on your hair? This ordeal with Boromir had been going on for a week now. ALL (aghast): A WEEK?! BOROMIR: My Iluvatar, Aragorn can definitely hold a grudge! JULES: Yeah; I would´ve thought he´d get over it in a day! Ever since their meeting in the gardens the night of the counsel. It was not only irritating, but weariing, insulting and utterly childish. BORIS: Well, at least somebody besides us realizes that. The other members of the Fellowship had begun to notice, JULES (laughing): How could they possibly not notice? Aragorn and Boromir are practically having a catfight here! TUMNUS: Didn´t Sauron once make a comment about how dense the Fellowship really was? and the fear in Frodo's eyes whenever he looked at Boromir and Aragorn BOROMIR (as Frodo): Oh, Eru, if they´re going to be throwing tantrums for the whole journey, I think I´d rather hand over the Ring to the Nazgul. was enough to make the ranger want to throttle the stubborn Gondorian. BORIS: Ah, here Luinil lets us know that Aragorn´s unprecedented anger is righteous: he wants to protct Frodokins unlke teh selfisssh Borimer lyke lolz!1!1! JULES (gulp): Boris, you´re getting unnervingly good at these Suethor imitations. Couldn't Boromir see that his pigheadedness was tearing the little hobbit apart? BOROMIR: No, actually, I couldn´t see that. Oddly, I thought Frodo´s torment was due more to something more trivial, like his WORRY ABOUT THE RING. TUMNUS: How perceptive, Boromir; I would never have thought of it. Did he not notice the way Frodo looked at him? Of course he didn't. BORIS: I´d say that´s a good thing. I mean, the way that sentence was constructed... TUMNUS: Oh, please; leave Frodo out of the upcoming slash! The man only had eyes for the Ring JULES: ARRGHHH! STOP MAKING BOROMIR EVIL!! *Boromir clenches his fists in rage* and a mind only for preserving what he was certain Aragorn had come to claim. TUMNUS: His lost rubber-band ball? With a heavy sigh, Aragorn washed himself quickly before donning a fresh tunic and breeches. BORIS (as Aragorn): All right, all right; I´ll admit Boromir was right about my being filthy...geez. After running a mahogony comb through his dark locks until they shone, JULES (deadpan): Like mahogany. BOROMIR: Why is everything made of mahogany in badfics? he left his chamber and went in search of the son of Denathor. ALL: DENETHOR! BORIS: Somewhere out there, a mini-Balrog is running around. He had a lesson to teach. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): All right, Suethors, repeat after me: I AM NOT A WANGSTY TEENAGER. I AM AN 87-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO HAS BEEN WAITING FOR OVER 60 YEARS TO BECOME KING. ******* JULES: Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight... Boromir watched the ranger prowl like a caged tiger from where he sat, BORIS: Sure; whatever. TUMNUS: Do you know what a tiger is, Boromir? BOROMIR: Now I do. Back in Middle-earth, I didn´t. crouched in the thick undergrowth lining the small lake that was the very heart of the Rivendell woods. JULES: Then why did Tolkien never mention it, eh? I mean, the guy described the dominant species of trees in the Old Forest; if something is the HEART of something, it´s a good bet he would spend a page or two on it. BOROMIR: Who is... JULES (wince): Oh, please, don´t start that again! He had been training with the younger elves of Imladris TUMNUS: Training WHAT? He already knows how to use a sword! BORIS: Training to walk around stiffly like he has a fishing pole up his ass, I´m guessing. when Aragorn had stormed onto the field looking livid JULES (as Aragorn): All right, whoever stole my Spongebob underwear had bloody well better give it back right now, or somebody´s going to get hurt! and made a b-line right for him. *Laughter* BORIS: The phrase "b-line" really doesn´t fit in Middle-earth, Luinil. He hadn't waited to see what the man would do. BOROMIR (rolling his eyes): Isn´t it obvious? He´s going to throw things around like a two-year-old and whine about not wanting to be king! Quickly sheathing his sword, Boromir had turned and fled, all the while hating himself for his weakness. JULES (outraged): WHAT?! Now Boromir is a COWARD?! Luinil, you are dead! BOROMIR (patting her shoulder): It´s actually all right in this case. I really would turn and flee from Aragorn if he started acting like a thirteen-year-old girl. Some things just cannot be faced, even by the bravest of men. Boromir wanted nothing to do with Aragorn, son of Arathorn. He didn't want to be anywhere near the ranger. ALL: Understandable. To be around him was to feel too vulnerable; to care too much. TUMNUS: Teenage-style temper tantrums and angst are contagious, evidently. JULES: Ah; that explains how fast all the canon characters succumb in these badfics. Aragorn made him feel things he had sworn he would never feel again after Thorongil had left him. BORIS: Teen wangst that makes Harry Potter´s look calm and reasonable? BOROMIR: Outrageous, unprecedented hatred of a man who hasn´t even done anything to me? But now... now all those feelings were back three times fold TUMNUS: No, not two times, but THREE TIMES. Remember that. and this time they were tinged with resentment and the sharp sting of betrayal. ALL: Huh?! Aragorn could renounce his birthright all he wanted but it would never change the way Boromir saw him. JULES: Um...wouldn´t Aragorn consider that a GOOD thing? Wouldn´t he be relieved that there was at least one member of the Steward´s family he didn´t have to convince of his identity? BORIS: I´m starting to think Aragorn´s constant denial of his birthright is just fishing for compliments. The ranger didn't even know it but he had King engraved into every aspect of his being, from the regal way he held himself BORIS: I see Aragorn has mastered the fishing-pole-up-his-ass trick...maybe he actually HAS one up there. to the kind yet firm compassion he showed those around him. BOROMIR (frustrated): Kind yet firm...WHAT COMPASSION?! HE HAS BEEN ACTING LIKE AN ORC IN THIS FIC! And his hands. His hands with their long firm fingers were the hands of a healer. JULES (rolling her eyes): Cue porn music...now. Boromir knew just how tenderly those hands could aleviate a hurt BORIS: Oh, yeah, Luinil´s definitely thinking about healing wounds...*cough* BOROMIR (shiver): Why me? as well as he could remember quite clearly just how sharply they could sting when descending onto a bare, naughty backside. ALL: Gah! TUMNUS: Is Luinil serious? Aragorn spanking a child, even after his Elvish upbringing, and...and... JULES: This had BETTER not be foreshadowing. Suddenly, Aragorn stilled in his pacing. Turning slowly, he looked directly at where Boromir hid. BORIS (as Aragorn, stupidly): Hey, that´s a funny-looking bush! It´s got boots and a sword! A small smile that was almost feral crossed the ranger's face BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Ha, ha; I´m going to sneak up and take his sword when he´s not looking! and he stalked forward with all the purpose of a lion approaching the antelope he had a very firm mind to kill. JULES: Geez; was Luinil watching Animal Planet when she was writing this thing? TUMNUS (deadpan): And Boromir slunk out of the bush with all the embarrassment of a cute puppy who had just been scolded for making a mess on his owner´s rug. When he was standing directly in front of the Gondorian, Aragorn stopped. BORIS: Seriously; Aragorn is the worst hide-and-seek player ever. "You can come out now, little fledgling," he said to the sky. "I know you're there." JULES (as Aragorn, singsong): Hey, peek-a-boo...come out, come out, wherever you are! BOROMIR: I am NOT three years old! Why is Aragorn treating me in such a degrading fashion?! TUMNUS: Well, look on the bright side: at least this time it´s not the hobbits who are being treated like children. Boromir didn't move. He knew that tone. BOROMIR (breathing heavily): It was the tone my father always used with me...WHEN I WAS A BLOODY TODDLER! It was the one Thorongil always used to use with him right before a particularly long and painful spanking. *Boromir´s jaw drops open in horror* JULES: Oh, no, it WAS foreshadowing! TUMNUS: Oh, Aslan, if you love us, help us now! Somewhere above him, Aragorn sighed. BORIS: "Somewhere above him"? How much taller is Aragorn than Boromir, again? "Do not make me fetch you, Boromir," he said in a low and dangerous voice. JULES: "If carrying you injures my arm muscles so that I can´t hold a sword on the Quest, I will never forgive you." "Things will only be worse for you if I have to drag you out." TUMNUS: Look, Aragorn, if you just let him sulk there for a while, he´ll come to his senses and come out on his own! It works with little children; it should work with freakishly-angry men behaving like children! Still, the Gondorian didn't move. He was frozen on the spot, BOROMIR: "Uh...sorry, Aragorn; I accidentally sat in an icy puddle..." rage and indignance roiling in his breast. ALL:INDIGNANCE? Did this fraud honestly think Boromir was frightened of him? TUMNUS: Oh, Boromir´s in denial. Did Aragorn honestly think he would just grit his teeth and take it this time? BOROMIR: Take WHAT?! BORIS: Do we even want to know? Nay! He was the son of Gondor! BOROMIR: Well, one of two sons of Gondor, really. He fought orcs and bandits intent on murder with no thought for his own safety, but he couldn't face a man who he knew for a fact would never intentionally harm him? Boromir sneered to himself, disgusted at the way he was acting. ALL: About bloody time! Hardening his resolve, he squared his shoulders and crawled from his hiding place, BORIS: Which is what? An abandoned refrigerator? JULES: Aw, Boromir´s probably got a secret clubhouse! Isn´t that cute? standing swiftly, unable to bear the thought of kneeling at Aragorn's feet any longer than it took him to find his own. TUMNUS: Er...what? BOROMIR: Er...I could have just walked bent over, you know. A small satisfied smile crossed the ranger's face, but still he did not look Boromir's way. JULES (as Aragorn): Man, that elf sure can pick his nose...what...oh, right, Boromir´s coming out of the bush. "You do not frighten me, ranger," Boromir said loudly. BORIS (as Aragorn, spectral voice): BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA! TUMNUS (as Boromir): Er...uh...maybe a little...eek! "You came when I called," Aragorn said, BOROMIR: "Now, sit and stay!" turning and walking toward the small clearing adjacent to the calm sheet of liquid *laughter* JULES: Liquid doesn´t come in "sheets," Luinil. BORIS: Well, the laws of physics always go to pot in badfics. that was lake Serenity. BOROMIR (incredulously): Lake Serenity? Elrond actually named a lake Lake Serenity? JULES: I think we´ve jumped into a gated community somewhere. "I did no such thing!" Boromir snapped, stomping after the ranger. TUMNUS: "It was just a coincidence that I came out as soon as you asked! It WAS!" "I was merely getting cramped. I was going to emerge anyway, even if you had not commanded me like the king you'll never be!" BOROMIR (irritably): Can I say ANYTHING in this fic without sneering at Aragorn´s ancestry? BORIS: Nah, I think you´ve got a one-track mind in this thing, Boromir. Quick as lightning, Aragorn whipped around, grabbed Boromir by the front of his tunic *everyone makes ripping sounds* JULES (as Aragorn): Oh...sorry! BORIS (as Boromir): Yeah, Aragorn, way to rip up the only tunic I brought! and hauled him close so that their faces were scant inches apart. JULES: You know, I think this scene could be compared to the scene in "Casablanca"...namely, that the scene in "Casablanca" was good, and this scene sucks balls! "Do... not... lie... to... me!" Aragorn growled, BOROMIR: He´s growling AGAIN! TUMNUS: He´s also struggling to find the right words, it looks like. punctuating each word with a small shake. BORIS: Along with way too many ellipses. "I am not the enemy here, little brat. JULES (as Boromir): Well, you could have fooled me, what with your aggressive, senselessly-violent behavior toward me just now. I merely wished to speak with you. BOROMIR: So why didn´t you SPEAK with me instead of MANHANDLING me?! Now I see that speaking will have no effect and I must resort to my earlier way of punishing you." BORIS: "You are grounded for a week, young man! No TV, no phone, and no internet for you, starting this minute!" With this, Aragorn hauled the stunned Boromir TUMNUS: Oh, Luinil, come on; "stunned" is not synonymous with "incapable of moving"! JULES: Man, Boromir gets dragged around so much in this thing he should have wheels. over to where a large stone wall sat at the edge of the clearing. BOROMIR (deadpan): A large stone wall. In a clearing. In the middle of a forest. TUMNUS: There are no ruins in Rivendell, Luinil. Keeping a firm grip of his fledgling, Aragorn sat down and with one quick and powerful twist of his wrist, Boromir was across his knees. BORIS (stunned): Honestly? With ONE twist of his wrist? BOROMIR: Of course then Aragorn had to push me off, as I´d just shattered his kneecaps into a thousand pieces. Aragorn trapped Boromir's legs with one of his own as his hands worked quickly, ALL: ARRRGGGHH, NO! pulling the man's breeches down, exposing his firm backside to the cool Imladris air. TUMNUS: Oh, my Aslan. Oh, please no. Oh, Boromir is going to be... BOROMIR: Don´t say it! JULES (as Luinil): Lyke Borimers firrm butte is sooooo hawt!!11! Lol!1!1eleventy-one!!111 BORIS: Nice one, Jules. The moment Boromir felt the gentle kiss of the warm sun JULES: Ha, ha, so you could say here that Arien is kissing his ass! Get it? BOROMIR (exasperated): Yes, Jules. and the caress of the soft breeze, panic exploded in his chest. BOROMIR (hopefully): And the rest of me spontaneously combusted, freeing me from the badfic forever. Aragorn meant to spank him! TUMNUS (relieved): Oh; I thought he was planning to rape him. BOROMIR (frantic): Tumnus, how can you be RELIEVED?! He meant to diciplin him as though he were a naughty child of five summers! No! *everyone looks at Boromir in mute sympathy* Boromir was a man and he would not suffer such indignities by this disgusting fraud! BOROMIR: No! I will not! *he lunges at the screen with a knife, only to be held back by Boris* BORIS: Sorry, pal. The screen repairs itself when it´s destroyed. I didn´t want you getting your hopes up. Aragorn's firm grip on Boromir became ironclad JULES: Oh, he suddenly put on iron gauntlets...wait...oh, God, is that gonna hurt! *Boromir looks sick* as the man began to struggle with everything inside of him. The ranger was forced to pin his fledgling's arms behind his back TUMNUS: That must have been some safety pin there! BOROMIR (breathing heavily): That´s it, Tumnus...simple wisecracks will help me stay sane... and lean on them to keep Boromir from striking him into unconsciousness. JULES: But...Boromir was lying down! How could he possibly knock Aragorn unconscious? The Gondorian bucked, twisted, spat and swore, but all to no avail. Aragorn's grip was just too strong. BORIS: Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me...he´s a Numenorean ranger, not Superman! JULES: Okay, Luinil, do you have ANY idea how much Boromir, a full-grown, muscular man, would WEIGH?! You´re writing about him like he´s a goddamn fairy! "Are you quite finished?" the ranger asked Boromir when the man ceased his struggles, breathing hard with the exertion. TUMNUS (as Boromir): Hold on...wait until I finish having this series of elaborate seizures... Boromir only swore colourfully at him, making the ranger wince in sympathy of the clean air. TUMNUS (pause): What? "Mind that mouth, little brat, before I mind it for you," he snapped, grabbing Boromir by the hair and forcing his head around. BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Wait...it should be "shut your mouth before I shut it," shouldn´t it? Oh, Eru, that was embarrassing... *everyone else is laughing hysterically* The Gondorian gazed at him with enough fury in his eyes to kill with a glance. BORIS: Man, what is with Boromir´s deadly looks? First he scares Sauron and now he starts killing people. Although the look made Aragorn's heart constrict painfully, BORIS (gasp): And the killing actually worked! TUMNUS: Incredible. outwardly he only quirked an eyebrow. JULES: Well, at least he´s going to be dying in a dignified manner. "Your glares are lost on me, little fledgling," Aragorn said, BOROMIR: Ugh..."little fledgling"...and he´s molesting me... JULES: Geez; Michael Jackson´s pedophilia is more subtle than this! running his hands over the tight planes of the man's backside. BORIS: Boromir´s got an ass in the shape of a prism? "They have never frightened me, for if you cannot remember, twas I who taught them to you." TUMNUS: Yes, Aragorn was well-known throughout Middle-earth for his amazing glares. Never mind his ancestry or his fighting skills. Boromir took a deep breath and the next thing Aragorn knew, his cheek was dripping with the man's saliva. ALL: WHOA! BOROMIR: That was quick. BORIS: Yikes, she jumped right from the breath to the saliva and skipped the spitting. The little brat had just spat at him! JULES: Oh, thanks for clarifying it for us, Luinil, just in case we thought Aragorn put Boromir´s saliva on his cheek himself. "That was very... unwise, little one," Aragorn said dangerously, wiping his cheek on the sleeve of his tunic. BORIS: "Giving me germs as well as wetting my tunic?! This is the last straw!" "It suits you," Boromir said scathingly. TUMNUS (as Boromir): That yellowish white of the saliva is DEFINITELY your color...why are you looking at me like that? "All I need do now is bathe you in the urine of Gondor and mayhaps then you'll be worth a sliver of your destiny. *everyone is laughing in disbelief* JULES: Wow, Boromir, you´re bitter. BOROMIR: Indeed? I never noticed. And once you have covered yourself in the excrement of those you would rule and purge the half-breed blood flowing in your veins, BORIS (laughing): My Sauron! Did Luinil make it her goal to put as many references to bodily fluids as possible in one sentence? JULES: All she needs to do is talk about vomit and pus, and she´s golden. then I will call you King! Never before! I spit on your grave, ranger and bathe your soul with my vomit!" JULES: And...yes! There´s the vomit reference! And a saliva reference too! TUMNUS: Luinil has done it! She wins the grand prize! *cheers and applause* CRACK! TUMNUS: Ah, that´s canon finally splitting apart. Nice touch, Luinil. The unexpected explosion of pain as Aragorn's palm came down hard on his bare backside caused Boromir to jump and cry out. *Silence* BOROMIR: Oh, Iluvatar...oh, no...it has begun... JULES: Boromir, you might want to crawl under your seat for this scene. CRACK! CRACK! CRACK CRACK! CRACK! BOROMIR (nearly weeping): Oh, Eru...and she put in SOUND EFFECTS?! JULES: Dear God... The Gondorian closed his eyes tightly, determined not to show Aragorn just how terribly this stung both his flesh and pride. BOROMIR: Forget courage; I AM crawling under my seat...*does so* BORIS: Believe me, Boromir, that´s the smartest thing you´ve done so far today. The ranger had never used such force on him when he was a youngling. TUMNUS (steamed): CHILD! How hard is it to use the word "child"?! Anything but "youngling," which is just awkward and stupid! JULES (rolling her eyes): Luinil´s obviously going for a medieval atmosphere...and failing miserably. Back then Thorongil would only spank him out of duty and to teach him a lesson. BORIS: Teach him a...Thorongil was NOT Boromir´s father or teacher! TUMNUS: DUTY?! Now it felt as though Aragorn was doing it out of true anger and that his goal was to hurt, not to teach. JULES: WE KNOW! WE REALIZE ARAGORN IS AN UNETHICAL BULLY IN THIS FIC! MOVE ON! CRACK CRACK! CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! CRACK! *Thumpíng sounds* TUMNUS (startled): Argh! Did Luinil include a sound system in this fic? BORIS (checking under the seats): Nah, that´s just Boromir banging his head on the floor. Aragorn watched as Boromir turned his head away, trying to hide the pain he was feeling. JULES (psychiatrist): Now, Boromir, the first step in your therapy is to acknowledge your pain. Never be afraid to suffer, and never be afraid to show that you´re suffering, even if it means crying. TUMNUS (shiver): Boromir is going to need REAL therapy after this. The ranger wasn't having that. JULES (as Aragorn, psychiatrist): Now, Boromir, remember: it´s okay to show that you´re feeling unhappy. In fact, it takes a truly strong man to cry in front of people... BOROMIR (popping up briefly): SHUT UP! "Count," he commanded, never once stopping in his stinging assault of the man's backside. BORIS: Aragorn, this is no time for a math lesson! "Wh-What?" Boromir stuttered. JULES (groan): Oh, great, it´s the generic stutter characters in badfics develop whenever they´re scared or unhappy. "Count. Begin now." CRACK! "One," Boromir said after a deep breath. BORIS: This is like a creepy version of the Count on "Sesame Street". CRACK! "Two." JULES: Oh, my God...seriously, is she writing it all out? TUMNUS: Boris, do you have that remote control? BORIS: Ah, yes! I´d forgotten about it! BLIP! CRACK! "Se-Sev-Seven! Aragorn...! please...!" JULES (shocked): She wrote this out all the way to SEVEN?! BOROMIR (almost tearfully): Stop...! Please...! "Please what, little brat?" Aragorn asked as he continued to spank. BOROMIR: What did I do to deserve this? Where is Eru? How long must I suffer? *sob* JULES: Aw, do you need a kiss to make you feel better? BOROMIR (shudder): I´m not suffering THAT much. "P-Please s-stop!" Boromir said, hating himself for pleading but needing this blistering of his flesh, this gradual flaying of his pride to cease. BORIS: Now, correct me if I´m wrong, Boromir, but in real life, wouldn´t you swear vengeance on Aragorn for treating you like this? Wouldn´t you hate him and pay him back, instead of going all emo and hating yourself? BOROMIR (angrily): Of course. This...creature...that the...other creature...is spanking is not me. "Don't you have something to say before I do?" BOROMIR: Yes..."Get me out of this badfic! If I ever get my hands on you, Luinil Telcontar, you will be dead in three seconds!" Boromir closed his eyes tightly as Aragorn's hands continued their descent onto his flaming skin. TUMNUS (laughing): I just got an interesting image in my head. BORIS: So Aragorn´s doing the "Eensy-Weensy Spider" hand motions onto Boromir´s ass, which is literally on fire. TUMNUS: Exactly. "Wha-What do you w-want me to s-say?" Boromir stammered, his voice choked with tears as Aragorn increased the force and pace of his punishment. BOROMIR (enraged): I AM A WARRIOR! I HAVE RECEIVED NUMEROUS SCARS IN BATTLES! I FOUGHT ON WHILE WOUNDED WITH FIVE ARROWS! I WOULD NOT WEEP BECAUSE OF THE PAIN OF A SPANKING!! JULES (hugging him): I know. Luinil apparently thinks you´re a fragile wood-nymph or something. "You tell me," the ranger said. "What did you do to me just before I started punishing you?" TUMNUS (as Boromir): Well, I talked about a LOT of bodily fluids...and I hid in the bushes...I don´t think those actions really merrit this spanking, though. Boromir bit his lip, trying to think through the blistering pain in his backside. BORIS: Hey, cool; I didn´t know an aching ass caused brain damage. JULES: I think Luinil´s implying that the pain is making it hard for him to concentrate. Seeing that the man was in too much pain to concentrate, TUMNUS (in disbelief): And Aragorn is supposed to be a healer? Aragorn stopped spanking him and ran his rough hands over the Gondorian's hot flesh. BOROMIR (angrily): Oh, molesting me instead of spanking me...that makes me feel so much better, Aragorn; thanks. "Tell me, Boromir. What did you do?" JULES: Anybody but me feel an urge to start yelling Chunk´s hysterical confession in "The Goonies"? *Boris raises his hand* Boromir gulped down fresh air, his limbs trembling, praying that Aragorn would not resume his punishment. TUMNUS: Oh, come on; it was a spanking, not a marathon! BOROMIR (sob): Where has all my courage and dignity gone? "I spat at you," he said between clenched teeth. TUMNUS: Well, that still doesn´t warrant a spanking! JULES: Only in third-world torture chambers, I´d say. "And before that?" "I hid from you." TUMNUS (getting angrier): That still doesn´t... *Boris claps a hand over his mouth* BORIS: It´s logic, Tumnus. Luinil isn´t gonna get it. "And before that?" JULES (as Boromir, wimpy voice): I ripped up your tunic...I put salt in your tea...I put toothpaste on your toilet seat...I don´t know, I don´t care, just stop hurting me! Wah! Boromir turned his head and gazed up at the man above him questioningly. Seeing his confusion, Aragorn elaborated. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Before...be-fore? As in, not now? Doing...do-ing? As in, your actions... "Boromir, what have you been doing to me all week. Ever since our meeting in the gardens, you have been doing something to me. I want you to tell me what that is." BOROMIR: "Well, if you don´t know the answer yourself, how in Eru´s name do you think I´LL be able to tell you?" JULES: Nice riffing of a stupid sentence, Boromir. Boromir thought hard but for the life of him he could not recall doing anything aside from pretending the ranger didn't exist. BORIS: So that means Aragorn should STOP TORTURING HIM. NOW. "I have done nothing to you Aragorn," he said, a little disgruntled. BOROMIR (hopefully): Am I starting to gain some dignity back? CRACK! "Try again." BOROMIR (cringe): Obviously not. Damn; I think I will go back under the seat. Boromir cringed and swore softly in pain. ALL (aghast): Whoa... BORIS: I think Luinil really is psychic. "Aragorn, I have done naught but pretend you did not exist! What do you wish me to confess to?" JULES (as Aragorn): That you want to have hot, wild, passionate sex with me every night and engage in threesomes with Legolas and sixsomes with the hobbits... BOROMIR (smacking her): Enough! Don´t make me feel worse! "That was it, little warrior," Aragorn said, going back to massaging Boromir's abused flesh. BOROMIR (sickened): "Little warrior"...coupled with the molestation... TUMNUS (deadpan): This is disgusting. There is no other word for it. "And pray tell, why? Why have you been acting so childish?" BOROMIR: "And why have YOU been acting so hypocritical, Aragorn?!" Boromir felt indignance at the man's words and tried to sit up, his face darkening with anger. JULES: Yes! I think Boromir´s getting his lost backbone back! TUMNUS: Aslan, I hope so! CRACK! ALL: ARGH! Boromir yelped and fell once more across Aragorn's lap. BOROMIR (outraged): I DO NOT YELP!! "You will not be moving until I say you can, Boromir," he said. "Keep that in mind. BORIS: "Since I´m Super-Aragorn!" You are not in control here. TUMNUS (annoyed): Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious. I doubt Boromir could have guessed that on his own. I want answers and if I have to beat them out of you then so help me I will do it. JULES: Yes, Gondor, THIS is the man who´s supposed to become your king after the War of the Ring. Aren´t you thrilled? BOROMIR: If Aragorn had really been like this, my father and Faramir would not have allowed him within forty feet of Minas Tirith, believe me. You are jepoardizing this quest with your youngling antics *Laughter* TUMNUS: "Youngling antics"? and you are causing the Ringbearer more stress than he should have to bear. BORIS: Actually, there´s some truth in that. If Frodo enters upon this scene, he´s going to be emotionally scarred to the point of suicide. JULES: Wouldn´t anyone be? Now tell me, why have you been ignoring me?" JULES (as Boromir): Because obviously you´re not Aragorn, but a guard from Guantanamo Bay in disguise! "Because you are a usurping fraud of a man who delights in playing in the dirt and solving wizard's riddles rather than helping to defend the city you claim you do not want but in which you spent 3 years of your life!" Boromir ground out, BORIS: Wow. For Luinil, that´s...deep. And reasonable. BOROMIR: Yes, she actually captured the real reason why I was suspicious of Aragorn. TUMNUS: Pìty she had to do it in a run-on sentence, and she apparently couldn´t type out the word "three". expecting the sharp sting of Aragorn's hand. It never came. JULES: I realize this is a foolish hope, but I´m hoping he actually snapped back into character. "Is that what you think of me, little warrior?" Aragorn sounded sad. TUMNUS (deliberately): Aragorn, after how you´ve been treating him, you´re bloody lucky he doesn´t think worse of you. "Do you think I stayed in Minas Tirith simply to gain favour with your people?" BORIS: "Because I didn´t! I stayed for that doughnut shop on the fifth circle! Oh...that makes me sound even more callous, doesn´t it?" "What else could it have been? My father didn't need you. He didn't even like you!" BOROMIR: Well, here Luinil is giving my father a REASON to hate Aragorn, so perhaps my father will be portrayed well in fanfiction, for once...Jules? Jules? *Jules is shivering with dread* To his surprise, Aragorn laughed, a deep masculine sound that sent shivers across Boromir's skin. TUMNUS: Ugh. JULES: Oh, please, Luinil is so obviously projecting her erotic fantasies into her writing that a ten-year-old would pick up on it! "I did not stay for Denathor, Boromir," Aragorn said. "I stayed for you." BORIS: "And Denethor, too, of course...I don´t even know who Denathor is, so how could I have stayed for him?" JULES: I hope Luinil learns how to spell Denethor´s name soon. These mini-Balrog jokes are already getting old. Boromir's head whipped around, his dark hair flying through the air as he did so. *laughter* BORIS (announcer): This incredibly fruity gesture was brought to you by Herbal Essences... His blue eyes were wide and disbelieving. BOROMIR: Well, Luinil gains points for getting my hair color right, for once...she loses them for getting my eye color wrong, though. With a small smile, Aragorn tugged up the man's breeches and released him. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): That whole scene was incredibly stupid and pointless, wasn´t it? JULES (as Boromir): Yes, indeed it was. "I stayed because I knew what he was doing to you," Aragorn said. ] BOROMIR (confused): "Doing to me"? What is he talking about? My military training? My education? JULES (shaking violently): Oh, my God... To his surprise, Boromir did not move from his lap, but stayed put, watching him. TUMNUS (as Boromir): Er...Aragorn? Why are you being so dramatic? What´s so bad about harsh military training in a city at war? "You... you knew?" BOROMIR (truly confused): Why? My harsh upbringing was no secret. I mean, it was necessary, and...Jules? What is the matter? *complete silence from Jules* Boromir's voice was no longer that of the stubborn Gondorian he had become, BORIS: Yeah, as opposed to the stubborn Mexican he´d been earlier. TUMNUS: Jules? Jules? but the terrified little boy he had been. BOROMIR (nonplussed): Of course I was terrified of battles at first, but so is everyone. I got used to it, and I NEEDED to get used to it, because our city needed every man for the defense. Aragorn must have had to deal with it himself; why is he acting as if Denethor was cruel for introducing me to it? BORIS: Well, Suethors DO have a pretty skewed view of parenthood...just look at Aurora Stevens if you don´t believe me. BOROMIR (shiver): I am not reading another Phantom´s Ange fic, thank you very much. Aragorn reached out a hand and caressed his cheek. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Ow! Ow! Oh, your beard pricked my hand! Ouch! "I knew, little one and that is why I stayed. When Faramir was born, your father turned his... ah... attentions away from you. JULES (choked): Oh, God, and Finduilas was still alive when...when...oh! BOROMIR: Jules, you know something about this fic I don´t. What is it? JULES (tearfully): I can´t say...too awful... I would have stayed to protect your brother as well, Boromir, but I could not stay. I had to leave." BORIS: "You see, Arwen was feeling rather lonely at the time, and I´d learned about this new coffee shop in Bree...I DID have to leave." Boromir's eyes were sad for a moment. TUMNUS (as Boromir): I´ve met the king...and yet I feel so let down. Then, just as suddenly they were blazing with unadulterated hatred. JULES: Jesus, my moods didn´t change this fast even when I was going through puberty! BORIS: Wow, Boromir really does have PMS. "You son-of-a-bitch," he said in a deadly calm voice. JULES (as Aragorn): Oh, now that was cruel! Sure, my mother wasn´t a refined lady like yours, but she was kind enough! BOROMIR: Argh...NOBODY says "son-of-a-bitch" in Arda. "You not only abandoned my brother to rape and torture by my father BOROMIR (shocked): Wait...what? JULES: AAAAHH! Boris, the remote! BOROMIR: Why? I read something from the corner of my eye...if I just got a closer look... JULES: NO! Boris! [/b] BLIP! I loved you, Thorongil. I trusted and adored you. BOROMIR: Actually, I DIDN´T. Stop making this disgusting relationship up, Luinil. BORIS (whispering to Jules): Okay, good, he´s distracted. Oh, Sauron, when he finds out... You tucked me in one night and then the next day you were gone. Not a note, not a whisper of good-bye. JULES: Oh, give him a little credit: maybe he actually felt ashamed of being a pedophile. You just vanished from my life. You never even thought of how much that would hurt. TUMNUS (puzzled): Is this actually Lord of the Rings fanfiction we´re reading? It sounds like it should be in the fandom of some soap opera. BORIS: Nah, a soap opera would be more interesting and less melodramatic. Thorongil was gone and do you know something, Aragorn? JULES: "I smell like cheese." I do not think I have found him again at all. You were never him. BOROMIR (as Aragorn): I keep TELLING you I WAS! How dense ARE you?! You never cared, you never loved and you never will." BORIS (as Aragorn): Oh, come on; being violent is how I show my love! JULES: Hey, isn´t that in a really old Disney cartoon? How bears show love by slapping each other...oh, forget it. With this, Boromir stood and, ignoring the burning agony of his backside, TUMNUS: Oh, excellent, Boromir, but try ignoring it when you next sit down. BOROMIR: I´d say it´s a good thing we´re not riding horses on the Quest. he turned and left the ranger to watch after him in shocked silence. JULES (as Aragorn): Wow, that´s what? TWO cheesy, soap-operish exits in a row? That has to be a record. Aragorn watched him walk stiffly away, one thought filling his mind. BORIS: "I´m hungry for French fries...mmmmm..." [If only you knew, little fledgling, just how much I truly do love you.] BOROMIR (disgustedly): Yes, Luinil, humiliation and torture is the best way to show a person love. Kisses? Hugs? Kind words? Pah, how overrated and silly. TBC TUMNUS: How can this POSSIBLY be continued? There is entirely too much as it is! ******* JULES (singing): Let´s go to the movies...let´s go see the stars... A/N: Yay! Another chappie up! *everyone winces* BORIS: Luinil´s attempted cuteness makes this chapter even nastier. Thank you so much for the reviews Lioncourt, Ashby, Sam and DemonGoddess061. You guys keep me going! BORIS: So, Boromir, have you sworn revenge yet? Have a whole list of people you´re going to hunt down and kill after this? BOROMIR: So far, just Luinil...but I shall add these four reviewers to the list. *all exit the theater* |
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| jules14 | Dec 23 2008, 05:27 PM Post #3 |
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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A/N: Song lyrics are from The Disney film, The Prince of Egypt. JULES: Oh, God, the classic song that has nothing to do with Tolkien… BORIS: For Sauron's sake, you dumbasses, keep the Disney-style songs out of Arda! She walked slowly toward him over the soft moss that carpeted the floor of the woods, *Pause* TUMNUS: Who? BOROMIR: I have no idea. I think we're in a different story all of a sudden. her dark hair rippling around her in the gentle breeze. BORIS: Whoa, now it's a laundry detergent or bottled water commercial. Her grey eyes watched him carefully as she approached and her rosebud lips were trembling slightly. JULES: Ah, it's Liv Tyler. I get it now; the "rosebud lips" gave it away… BOROMIR: What is Liv Tyler doing in Arda? When she stood before him, Aragorn stepped forward, bent his head and brushed a soft kiss over that delicate mouth. ALL: Whoa! TUMNUS: I thought he was…I mean, Boromir… BORIS: Tumnus, don't complain! Maybe he's back in character! As he pulled back, the dam burst. TUMNUS: And the beavers were infuriated. Without a word, the ranger held the sobbing Arwen to him, his own heart breaking anew. BORIS (as Aragorn): So you've been acting like a horny slut, and you don't know why? I know how you feel; yesterday I was acting like a gay teenage bully; I don't know why we're acting so different…*sob* The Fellowship would leave the following morning and Aragorn knew he would never see Arwen Undomiel again. JULES: Oh, Aragorn, I know the Quest is going to be hard, but have a little faith, will you? You're not necessarily gonna die. BOROMIR: Well, if I decide that I've had enough of his bullying… JULES: No, I meant the real Aragorn, not pod!Aragorn. BOROMIR: Oh. She would set sail for the Undying Lands in a month's time, never to return. TUMNUS: Wait…so her vows to give up her immortality for Aragorn have all been forgotten? JULES: Well, if Aragorn's being portrayed as an evil, vengeful bully, Arwen can be portrayed as forgetful and dishonorable…I guess… They had begged, pleaded, threatened and raged, but still Elrond would not be swayed. He would not leave his daughter in Middle-earth to die, not even for the man he loved and cherished as his own child. JULES (clutching her forehead): Oh, God, how astonishingly convenient. BORIS: Yeah, now that Arwen's out of the way, bring on the gay lovin'! BOROMIR (incredulous): They THREATENED and RAGED AT Elrond? No wonder he refused to allow them to marry. As Arwen sobbed in his arms, Aragorn rocked her gently, TUMNUS: Honestly? Isn't Arwen supposed to be cooler and more composed than this, seeing as how she's over two thousand years old and a descendant of Luthien Tinuviel? JULES: Oh, don't worry; this isn't Arwen. It's Liv Tyler in makeup and a wig. remembering a time when he had rocked a much smaller body. BOROMIR (groan): That small body had BETTER not belong to one of the hobbits. I've had enough of the hobbits being portrayed as cowardly, childlike pansies. A time when the tears soaking his tunic had been filled with petty stubbornness and not soul-wrenching torment. ALL: Huh? BORIS (confused): Aragorn once comforted Scarlett O'Hara? He remembered a smaller head upon his shoulder, thicker locks beneath his hand, TUMNUS: "Thicker locks"? So is Arwen going bald, then? little hiccupping cries and tiny arms that clung to him as though he were the only one in the world who could protect such a precious treasure. JULES: All right, we get it: Aragorn once comforted a small child or a hobbit from bad fanfiction. Now how about cutting the crap and telling us who it was? BOROMIR: This isn't suspenseful; it's just annoying. As his thoughts took him down this road, his lips parted of their own accord TUMNUS (deadpan): And he blew a loud, wet raspberry. and he began to sing softly the song BORIS: Dammit; more sap! Tumnus, I would have preferred the raspberry. that had once calmed a five-year-old Boromir's tears. ALL: Ah! JULES: Oh, I get it! Aragorn was thinking about comforting YOU as a little boy, Boromir! BOROMIR (gulp): While he was holding his betrothed in his arms? Am I the only one who finds that creepy? "Hush now my baby, be still love, don't cry. Sleep as you're rocked by the stream. Sleep and remember my lullaby, and I'll be with you when you dream. *everyone slams their heads on their seats* BORIS: I said, STOP USING DISNEY-STYLE SONGS IN ARDA! JULES: Tolkien WROTE songs; you don't need to use sappy modern songs! BOROMIR: Aragorn WOULD NOT HAVE HEARD OF THIS SONG! IT IS MODERN! TUMNUS: Oh, it's so smarmy…I can't bear it! Boris, the remote! BLIP! As he sang, unbidden tears sprang to the ranger's eyes and he allowed them to fall, unchecked down his cheeks. BORIS: Well, at least here Aragorn's crying for a good reason, and not because he's being emo and whining. JULES: Don't count on it. We'll probably find out in the next sentence that he slits his wrists. Arwen looked up and cupped his face in her hands. Gazing into his eyes, she smiled sadly. TUMNUS (as Arwen): No need to worry…I think Adar is under the influence of a badfic writer again. I'll talk to him and see if I can bring him back to his senses. "You do not weep for us, do you, Aragorn?" she asked gently, BORIS (as Aragorn): No, I'm weeping because my dog died…what do you think?! tracing the path of a lone tear. JULES (singing): Hey, hey, the clichés are all here! TUMNUS: Honestly, that "lone tear" should be trademarked by now. Aragorn could not lie to her. BOROMIR (sigh): Aragorn, in this situation, it's better to lie to her. Believe me. Clutching her to him, he buried his face in her sweet-smelling hair BORIS: Well, obviously she got that orc semen out… TUMNUS (smacking him): Please; don't remind me of that horrible fic! and shuddered with suppressed sobs. If only she knew. JULES: Aragorn, I think if she knew what you've been doing, she and Elrond would throw you out of Rivendell on your ear. If only she could feel just how much Boromir's hatred of him hurt. Just how it was shredding his heart. ALL: Oh, please! BORIS (cringe): Jules, I should have listened to you earlier. I should have realized the emo ness was coming up. He had loved the little one so fiercely, so possessively all those years ago. ALL: Ugh! BOROMIR: POSSESSIVELY? He had sworn that when the man reached his majority, *Silence* TUMNUS: Does that make sense to anyone? JULES: Nope. he would go back and claim him. BORIS: Yeah, and that's not creepy and perverted at all, is it? JULES (slowly and deliberately): Luinil, people who behave like this need therapy. These obsessions should NOT be sympathized with. He had known from the very first time Boromir had defied him that he would love the man his little fledgling would doubtless become. BOROMIR (shudder): He was thinking this…when I was FIVE? TUMNUS: Well, at least he didn't act on his thoughts when you were five…Luinil probably thinks this is a point in his favor… Become a man he had, and just as he had promised himself, Aragorn had loved him the moment the Gondorian had ridden into Rivendell, BORIS (deadpan, a la Phantom's Ange): He felt his soul call out to Boromir's and Boromir's soul touched his, making him feel safe and whole and happy… *Boromir and Jules smack him furiously* blue eyes wary, dark hair sweaty and windswept, BOROMIR (irritably): Luinil, I have gray eyes, GRAY EYES! If you got my hair color right, you can get my eye color right! a smudge of dirt upon his stubbled cheek. JULES: Whoa, you can ride a month in the wilderness and only get one smudge of dirt on your cheek, Boromir? That's amazing. He had wanted nothing more than to rush forward, tear the man from his steed and claim him as his own right then and there. TUMNUS: So in other words, you wanted to RAPE HIM?! BOROMIR: Ugh...*clutches his forehead* JULES: Well, at least Boromir's not a rapist in this fic...of course, rapist!Aragorn won't be much better. And then Boromir had looked at him. Had eyed him up and down and had recognized him not. BORIS: Your Arda dialect needs work, Luinil. If you want it to sound really archaic, you should say "known him not," not "recognized him not". The man had been pleasant to Aragorn until the ranger had scolded him at the counsel BOROMIR: He didn't scold me. All he basically said was, "I understand and forgive your doubt, as I bear little resemblance to Isildur. But Elrond was right, and I am the rightful king of both Arnor and Gondor." JULES: Well, in the movie he also reiterated Gandalf's point about not using the Ring. But that's not scolding either. and Legolas's had had his little outburst. TUMNUS (as Legolas): A random apostrophe! And a letter "s"! Am I the only one in Arda who uses correct punctuation?! Aragorn still could not shake the image of the utter fury in Boromir's eyes when he had spoken his next words. JULES (as Boromir): My punctuation is perfectly fine, you bastard! It's a lot better than the punctuation of a certain ranger I could name! "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." BOROMIR: Indeed, especially if that king is such a tyrannical pervert. He knew then that he would never have the Gondorian. BORIS (annoyed): No, don't worry about Boromir's lack of support for your kingship, but do worry about whether you can get into his pants. Aragorn, get your bloody priorities straight! Thorongil was dead to this man and Aragorn's punishment of him had seemed to do nothing but push Boromir further away. JULES: Ya THINK? True, the man was not as blatantly hostile as he had been before the incident in the clearing, BOROMIR (clutching his forehead): Yes, because I was just so frightened of being spanked. I'm not that cowardly, Luinil! but the mistrust and betrayal Aragorn could see in his eyes whenever the man looked his way JULES: Aragorn, do you have even a single brain cell? IF YOU HUMILIATED HIM, OF COURSE HE'S NOT GOING TO TRUST YOU! TUMNUS: I'm actually hoping Luinil is kidnapped and molested by a good-looking man. Hopefully she would realize that it's not sweet and romantic just because the man is handsome. was enough to make the ranger want to fall to his knees and beg his little fledgling to forgive him; to love and trust him once more. BORIS: And then pull down his little fledgling's breeches and suck his... *everyone slaps Boris* But he would never do such a thing. Boromir had to learn his place and it was up to Aragorn to teach him. BOROMIR (outraged): "Learn my place"?! Gondor does not have slaves! The Men of Minas Tirith do not torture and humiliate each other for pleasure! JULES: Well, Luinil's using Suethor logic. Gondor has a monarch and medieval-style nobility, so it must be an oppressive society with slaves and cruel punishments. See, if it were really as noble as you say, Boromir, the Steward would have abdicated and the people would have proclaimed a republic and elected a president. BOROMIR (suspiciously): I hope none of this is your own opinion, Jules. "He will come round," Arwen whispered so softly Aragorn almost didn't hear her. "He loves you, Aragorn; he just needs time to remember it." BORIS: "And the fact that you love him doesn't bother me at all, don't worry." Aragorn shook his head without removing it from where it rested on her shoulder. BOROMIR (as Arwen): Ow...ow...ow, your chin's digging into my shoulder...ow... "He will not forgive me, Arwen. Not this time. I have hurt him too greatly. I never should have left him there. I should have taken him with me." BORIS: Huh?! TUMNUS: Where? Just back to the house? It wouldn't have made much difference. "And where pray tell would you have brought him? To Rivendell? BOROMIR: But...they already ARE in Rivendell! What is going on? Estel, you were traveling the wild! You could not have cared for a child and fulfilled your duties at the same time." JULES: Okay, I'm beyond confused now. Just what the hell is she talking about, anyway? BORIS: Who knows? Who cares? "Don't you understand, Arwen?" Aragorn said, tearing himself away from her and glaring. TUMNUS: "I'm sulky and petulant! Humph!" "I did not fulfill my duties! JULES: "Why, that time when I skipped out on kitchen duty when I was twelve...it still haunts me!" My duties were to protect the weak and I left the weakest of them all to years of merciless torment! BOROMIR (glaring): Excuse me? "The weakest of them all"? I think I shall kill you for that alone, Luinil. TUMNUS (sigh): Look here, Luinil: whatever your private opinion of Boromir, he is definitely not weak! I have failed him and he will never forgive that!" The ranger laughed humorlessly. "And why should he? I know I wouldn't have. I couldn't have." JULES: Oh, brother...he's flipped out. BORIS: When he starts going on about his "precious," back away slowly. Arwen stepped forward, a determined look on her beautiful face. BOROMIR (as Arwen): Estel, please! You're being possessed by the spirit of badfic; you must at least TRY to fight it! "You cannot give up on him, Estel!" TUMNUS (clutching his forehead): Arwen wholeheartedly supporting Aragorn's perverted relationship with Boromir? Forget the canon-rape that occurred earlier; this is just plain ridiculous. "I am not giving up on Boromir!" Aragorn shouted, "I am giving up on myself!" JULES (wangsty teenager): "And I'm fat and ugly and I don't have any friends! Wah!" BORIS: Great; now Aragorn's gonna throw himself on the ground and start bawling. CRACK! BOROMIR (horrified): More spanking?! Aragorn's eyes widened as Arwen's open palm came into fierce contact with his cheek. BOROMIR: Oh. For a minute I thought...wait...Arwen SLAPPED Aragorn?! TUMNUS: Augh! The force of the slap spun him around on the spot *everyone laughs at the image* and caused the ranger to bite down painfully on his lip to keep himself from growling with fury. BOROMIR (exasperated): Stop. Growling. JULES: Man, Aragorn must have some serious laryngitis in this fic. Arwen had meant well TUMNUS: Now, really; how do you slap someone and "mean well"? It makes no sense. BORIS: I think Arwen is taking the phrase "slap some sense into him" a bit too literally. and he did not want to frighten her. However, the knowledge did not stop his hands from itching to slap her back. JULES (enraged): Now they're going to have a BITCH-FIGHT?! Good God! BOROMIR: Who are you two, and what have you done with the real Aragorn and Arwen? Aragorn gasped as the thought entered his mind. Shaking his head, he turned back toward a stricken Arwen. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Arwen...did you just do what I think you did? BORIS (as Arwen): Yes! And you...oh, my Eru, we're turning into teenagers! Nooooo! "Never. Do. That. Again!" he hissed, utterly outraged. BOROMIR (Gollum): "Stupid, fat elfsesssssss! They slaps us, precious! We hatesssss them forever!" Arwen nodded mutely. BORIS (as Arwen, stupid voice): Duh, okay! "I think you should go," Aragorn said, attempting to control his temper. JULES (as Aragorn): Go pick out dresses for and fix the hair of Elrond's latest Mary-Sue guest. Meanwhile, I'll go have a threesome with Boromir and Legolas. Being OOC is fun, huh? "We shall not meet again. Good-bye, Arwen Undomiel." TUMNUS: "And good riddance, you homophobic shrew!" BOROMIR (grimace): Well done, Tumnus. You captured this mangled version of Aragorn perfectly. Arwen's eyes glistened with tears but she did not resist. BORIS: For she was not really Arwen, but a plastic dummy dressed as Arwen. With a last longing look into Aragorn's cold grey eyes, she turned and walked away from him. They would never meet again. BOROMIR (slamming his head on the back of his seat): That is the stupidest, most offhand way imaginable to get rid of Arwen. Make her and Aragorn angry at each other, and then just state "They would never meet again". Come on! They've been betrothed for years! They are not going to fall out and despise each other after barely a half hour! TUMNUS: Well, at least Arwen is in this story. But I do agree that Luinil was extremely lazy about splitting her and Aragorn up. ******* BORIS (singing): Starry, starry night... Boromir awoke early the following morning. He would never admit it to anybody save himself but this quest frightened him. It frightened him more than anything ever had. JULES: Even more than green baby gerbils, in fact. *Pause* JULES: It was a dream I had once. TUMNUS: Ah. *fourth wall creaks* Whenever he got anywhere near Frodo, that blasted trinket around the little one's neck called to him, whispering sweet desires into his mind. BORIS (as the Ring): Hellooooooo, Boromir, you hot hunka burnin' love. How 'bout we take a room in Rivendell and then we can have some REAL fun? BOROMIR (sickened): That sentence had to be the most sexually suggestive Luinil has ever written. He would rather bed Sauron himself than admit it even in his own heart, *Shocked laughter and retching* BOROMIR: Ugh...don't you EVER mention bedding Sauron again! but the Ring knew what his heart truly yearned for and it was not the salvation of his people. ALL: WHAT?! TUMNUS (shocked): That's the only reason why he tried to take the Ring! JULES: Oh, God, can Luinil massacre Boromir's character even more than she did already?! Nay. It was something, someone much dearer. Thorongil. Thorongil? Nay. Thorongil was gone. The subject of his desires was another name entirely. Aragorn. *Boromir starts clenching his fists in rage* BORIS: Everybody duck; he's gonna explode! *Boris, Tumnus, and Jules duck under their seats* BOROMIR: MY GREATEST DESIRE WAS TO SAVE MY PEOPLE!! I WOULD NOT HAVE GIVEN THAT UP TO HAVE A ROLL IN THE HAY WITH ARAGORN, EVEN IF I WERE HOMOSEXUAL!!! I AM NOT A SEX FIEND!!! Boromir sighed heavily as he made his way out of the Last Homely House and toward the borders of the serene valley in which it was nestled. *Boris, Tumnus, and Jules crawl out from under their seats* BORIS: You done ranting, Boromir? BOROMIR (breathing heavily): For now. He wanted so fiercely to despise Aragorn; to hate him for what he had done. But he couldn't. JULES: Seriously? This is one peculiar case of Stockholm Syndrome. TUMNUS: I'd call it Stupid Syndrome, myself. Oh, he pretended too, ALL: Bwah? but it was naught more than a brilliant act. BORIS: It flopped on Broadway, though. What he truly wanted was to throw all pride and dignity to the wind, BOROMIR: I haven't already done exactly that, what with my childish behavior in this fic? fling himself at the ranger's feet and beg the man never to leave him again. But he knew he never would. JULES: We GET it, Luinil. Your foreshadowing is crap; we know that Aragorn and Boromir are going to let go of their pride and have sex! "Boromir?" TUMNUS: Oh, no, it's begun! BORIS: No! Not the sex! The Gondorian started and whipped around, his hand grasping for the hilt of his blade. JULES: Geez; you are paranoid in this thing, Boromir. It's been two months and you STILL haven't figured out no one's going to attack you in Rivendell? *Boromir scowls* When he saw who it was, he relaxed. BORIS (as Boromir): Oh, thank Iluvatar; it's just the Grim Reaper...arrrrghhhhh! "Frodo," he said, bowing slightly. "You are up early." TUMNUS (as Frodo): Yes, well, I've started this fitness program where I get up early and jog for an hour, and, well... "As are you," the Ringbearer said falling into step beside the tall Gondorian. "And I know why." JULES: "You ate the broccoli casserole last night, didn't you?" Boromir glanced sharply down at the little hobbit walking beside him. BORIS (as Boromir): Frodo, if you so much as BREATHE to anyone else about how long I spent in the bathroom last night, I'll... JULES (as Frodo): Hey, come on; I spent nearly as much time in there as you! I guess this is a lesson never to touch Glorfindel's cooking again. "Do you really?" Frodo nodded. "What troubles me then, little one?" BOROMIR: Oh, Eru, this is boring! TUMNUS (sigh): Another fanfiction author who doesn't know how to format paragraphs with dialogue. Frodo smiled sadly. "The same one who troubles me. Aragorn." BORIS: "I mean, who would have guessed in Bree that he had the maturity and temper of a teenage girl? Do you think we should spare Gondor the humiliation and kill him?" Boromir stopped walking and turned fully to face Frodo. "Has he done something to you, Ringbearer?" TUMNUS (irritably): That line of dialogue doesn't need to be its own paragraph! BORIS: Oh, come on, Tumnus. There are worse things in this story to complain about than the bad formatting, Frodo shook his head. "Nay. His heart troubles me." JULES: "All that cheese he eats...and he hasn't done any exercise for two months..." BOROMIR: Interesting; Frodo's dialogue is more formal than Aragorn's or mine. "How so?" "Because it is breaking, Boromir and the cracks have your name written all over them." BORIS: Oh, come on! JULES: I never knew Frodo spoke purple prose. TUMNUS (rubbing his stomach): Must get a barf bag... Before Boromir could truly comprehend the little one's words, the hobbit was gone and he was left staring dumbly at the place where Frodo had stood. BOROMIR: Frodo put on the Ring? JULES: Well, wouldn't you want to be invisible if you'd just said something so stupid? "Boromir." BORIS (as Boromir): Argh! A disembodied voice! TUMNUS (as Frodo): Ha, ha, that was me, with the Ring on! Scared you that time, didn't I? You never even saw that coming! Boromir didn't even bother turning to face the newcomer. He would know that deep voice anywhere. JULES (gasp): Satoris! Boromir's about to be sacrificed! "Aragorn." JULES: Oh. BORIS (as Aragorn, dumb teenager): So...uh...are we...cool? Aragorn's heart seized up when Boromir didn't even look at him. BOROMIR: You know, it's amazing to me how everybody in fanfiction stays alive, what with all the strange things that happen to their hearts. JULES: Yeah. I mean, there are other ways to describe strong emotions besides "his heart did this" and "his heart did that". "Boromir, we need to talk. Will you walk with me? Please?" he added softly. TUMNUS: "Will you also hold my hand as we walk and then give me a kiss on the cheek?" As fervently as he wished to, Boromir could not ignore the pain in the ranger's voice nor the vulnerability in his eyes. BORIS (as Aragorn): Arwen dumped me, and I can't figure out why. I mean, you act brutal and violent to one guy, and yet she acts like that's a bad thing! Taking a deep breath, he nodded and turned to continue walking to the border. JULES (confused): "The border"? So now Aragorn and Boromir are illegal Mexican immigrants? As Aragorn fell into step beside him, Boromir glanced sideways at him. BOROMIR: "Aragorn, why are you wearing a purple tunic?" "Am I going to be spanked again?" he asked petulantly. BORIS: "'Cause if I am, I'm not even going to be polite anymore. I'm just going to run you through with my blade." BOROMIR (incredulously): "Petulantly"? It was a legitimate question! Aragorn smiled. "Have you been naughty?" JULES (frustrated): Quit treating Boromir like a little kid! It's neither cute nor amusing; it's dumb! "No," Boromir pouted. *everyone gags, especially Boromir* "Then you're safe," Aragorn said with a suppressed laugh, TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Ha, ha, I frighten myself sometimes with my own rapier wit! but as he continued, his smile vanished. "I've come only to ask your forgiveness, little warrior." BORIS: "Especially since now I can bitch-slap Arwen whenever I'm in a violent mood." Stopping, Aragorn reached out and gently gripped Boromir's forearm. JULES (as Aragorn): And do you know how you can forgive me? *waggles eyebrows suggestively* BOROMIR (miserably): Please, Jules. At least wait until it comes up in the story. The Gondorian's first instinct was to pull away, but he suppressed it and held still, waiting. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): All right...how does this sound? If you forgive me, I'll teach you the northern rangers' secret handshake. BORIS (as Boromir): Secret handshake? It's a deal! I forgive you! For what he had no idea, but his heart was telling him something was going to happen between himself and Aragorn right here, right now. JULES: Only "something"? Please, a paramecium could tell what's going to happen between Aragorn and Boromir here! Why doesn't Luinil just make it more obvious by playing porn music and dressing the men in black leather corsets? Gazing up into the grey eyes before him, Boromir let the question slip past his lips. BOROMIR: "How big is the universe?" "Why, Thorongil? Why did you leave me?" BORIS (as Aragorn): Um...your present clingy attitude isn't answering that question? TUMNUS (throwing up his hands): Boromir, in the name of Aslan, it's been over thirty years! Get over it! Aragorn closed his eyes and groaned at the hopeless misery in Boromir's voice. BOROMIR (groan): For the last time, Luinil, Thorongil was NOT my mentor or my substitute father. I didn't NEED a substitute father. JULES: Well, judging from Aragorn's reaction, he knows that already. "I had no choice, Boromir!" the ranger cried. TUMNUS: "The...er...pink elephants and talking crayons...yes! They made me do it! They threw me into a sack and carried me off to Mirkwood!" "Everyone has choices!" JULES: Hey, sweet; Luinil's been studying "East of Eden" in school. Pity Steinbeck's writing skills didn't rub off on her. "I did not! Not then! I was forced out! Don't you see? BOROMIR: "Er...no." BORIS (as Aragorn): How can you not?! Those cavemen in tutus are vicious, I tell you, VICIOUS! How could I ever stand up to them?! Denathor found me out! He knew I knew and he wouldn't have it! TUMNUS (as Denethor): Answer me truthfully, Thorongil. You have been spelling my name wrong for TEN YEARS?! TEN YEARS?! BOROMIR: But if my father knew of Aragorn's creepy desire for me, the fact that he sent Aragorn away is a good thing! He was trying to protect me! He threatened me, little warrior. Threatened me with your life. BOROMIR (confused): Wait...he threatened Aragorn with MY life? I think Luinil made a mistake with her pronouns. *others look at each other bleakly* He promised me that if I did not leave, he would torture you to death before my very eyes. *everyone's jaws drop open* JULES: Oh, no you didn't, Luinil. BOROMIR: My father was a noble man! He would never even have CONSIDERED doing such a thing! And he was INSANE when he tried to burn Faramir! BORIS: Okay, I always thought Denethor was nuts, but even *I* know he wasn't a sadist! TUMNUS (deadpan): Luinil, you are even stupider than I thought at first. I had no choice but to abandon you! I loved you, Boromir and I did it to save you!" *everyone throws up* JULES: Poor Boromir. His father wanted to kill him, his king wants to rape him...is Faramir going to want to break his bones next? BORIS: Aragorn, stop bullshitting about "loving" Boromir. Your dishonorable intentions are perfectly clear to us. Then, before Aragorn's words could sink in, Boromir found himself in the ranger's arms, his lips being devoured hungrily by those of his desperate Thorongil. BOROMIR (groan): Oh, no... TUMNUS (dangerously): Aragorn, step away from Boromir before I shove my umbrella down your throat. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Aragorn murmured against his lips as he clung to his Boromir and continued to kiss him with passionate abandon. JULES (as Aragorn): I'm really sorry for leaving you. Please accept my assault as an apology. BOROMIR (shudder): If it turns out that I suddenly can't defend myself... Only then, as he heard the brokenness in the ranger's voice, did Boromir's resolve break. ALL: FINALLY! BORIS: I hope you gave him a good punch in the nose or kick in the balls. TUMNUS: As long as Boromir actually fights him off, everything is all right. Wrapping his arms around Aragorn's neck, he met the man's desperate kisses with those of his own. ALL: NO! He poured out all his love, anger and pain in the act, TUMNUS (turning pale): They're having sex ALREADY?! That fast?! JULES: Well, at least it's not being described in graphic detail. all the while clutching Aragorn closer and closer until they were more one being than two. BOROMIR: That's disturbing. BORIS: Wow, they're like slime aliens. They stood, arms wound around one another, lips locked in a kiss that promised so much more than words ever could. JULES: A gushy, purple love scene straight from a cheap romance novel? *sounds of retching* When Aragorn's tongue sought entrance to his mouth however, Boromir jerked away, terrified. TUMNUS (as Boromir): Aragorn, you bloody pervert! Did you think that just because of this obvious sexual tension, I wanted you to French-kiss me?! You filthy-minded pig! "Boromir?" BOROMIR: Jules? JULES: Boris? BORIS: Tumnus? TUMNUS: Boromir? "No!" Boromir cried wildly. "No! I cannot! I will not! You will not have me as he did!" BOROMIR (suspicious): As who did? I hope Luinil's not implying that I was raped by orcs at some point in my life. TUMNUS: Oh, no... JULES: Luinil, don't say it...please don't say it...Boromir's right here, and he's reading this, and you'll kill him... Aragorn's eyes widened for a moment before darkening with rage BORIS (as Aragorn): What?! Someone raped Boromir before I did! Bastard! Now he'll try to fight me off all the time! at the remembered images of a five-year-old Boromir pinned beneath his father, writhing and screaming in terrified agony. *Boromir's mouth falls open in sheer horror* JULES (weakly): No...oh, God, no... BORIS (sickened): Boromir was only FIVE?! TUMNUS: Dear Aslan... He clenched his fists as he recalled the blood, the bruises, and the soul-wrenching sobs. BOROMIR (breathing heavily): Luinil actually has the GALL to insinuate that my father...that he... JULES (almost tearfully): Boromir, I'm sorry. Morgoth told me...and I tried to get you out of this...I tried to convince Luna and Chesterfield to come in, but they wouldn't... BORIS: Jules, stop babbling and riff! We can't have you collapsing again! "I swear to you, Boromir, I will not rest until that man's head is in my hands!" BOROMIR: And I will not rest until this fanfic author's head is in my hands! TUMNUS: Well...perhaps Morgoth and Semirhage will let you hunt her down after the fic. BOROMIR (slightly mollified): Do you think so? TUMNUS: Yes. BOROMIR: Then I can bear the rest of it. he growled in an utter state of absolute apoplexy so intense BORIS: All right! Sounds like his unpredictable heart is finally killing him! BOROMIR (grimacing): If only it were me...or, rather, this monster that is pretending to be me. it made the Gondorian shudder with fear. JULES: Do CPR on him, Boromir! Actually, don't; this version of Aragorn has to die. The next thing he knew, Aragorn was holding him, kissing his forehead and whispering soothing elvish into his ear. TUMNUS: Oh, please don't say Aragorn is going to sing a Disney song to Boromir too. BORIS: Or that Luinil is going to put Grelvish in this story and try to pass it off as Sindarin. Resting his head on the lean shoulder being offered, Boromir closed his eyes JULES (as Boromir): Phew...wangst is exhausting. and tried to will the horrible memories away. BOROMIR: Oh, yes...he'd been reading this fic! He knew now why his Thorongil had left him, but he couldn't just forget, could he? TUMNUS (rolling his eyes): With Aragorn's over-dramatic attitude, he's never going to LET you forget, Boromir. No, he couldn't. But he could forgive. JULES (overly-cheerful): Oh, how sweet! Now they'll get to have true lurve and hawt healing sex! BORIS: Hey, you didn't talk complete chatspeak. JULES: I know. If I had, I would have thrown up. ******* JULES: That is one giant swearword right there. A/N: Okay, I know! The chapter sucks! BORIS: The entire story sucks, Luinil. I just wasn't sure what else to do! BOROMIR: Here's a thought: GIVE UP ON THIS FIC AND DESTROY IT. They need to at least be on speaking terms when the Fellowship leaves, TUMNUS: Well, a simple apology would have been fine! JULES: Nah, that's not wangsty enough. and even though they've kissed, they've still got a long way to go before they can honestly say they can trust one another implicitly. BOROMIR (incredulously): They KISSED and they don't trust each other? Does Luinil think people in Middle-earth kiss all the time, no matter what the occasion? Besides, who wants to see them fighting non-stop? Not me. JULES: Actually, Luinil, if you're going for kinky, having them wrestle is a hell of a lot more sensual than having them cry and whine to each other. Of course, you probably wouldn't know sensuality if it bit you in the ass. Boromir can't speak or understand elvish, but that doesn't stop Aragorn from trying to use it to soothe him. BORIS: Okay, I know Sindarin is supposed to be a beautiful language, but it's not hypnotic. It doesn't have the same effect as Saruman's voice. TUMNUS: Good thing, or the elves would be half-asleep all the time. Just a little clarification for you lot who thought Boromir could understand it. BOROMIR: Well, that's an exaggeration. I studied it in my youth and don't remember much of it, but I do know a few words. He can't, but the words themselves are soothing JULES: Maybe, but I still think Boromir's a bit too old to be soothed by pretty-sounding words alone. and if any of you have ever heard Viggo Mortensen speaking elvish in his Aragorn voice, JULES & TUMNUS: We have. BORIS: Viggo Mortensen has an Aragorn voice? BOROMIR: How does he know how Aragorn sounded? it's enough to calm or hypnotize Satan himself. JULES: Oh, give Satan some credit. As the Prince of Darkness, he's probably immune to certain movie actors' beautiful voices. All things considered, he's probably got a beautiful voice himself. BORIS: Jules, you're rambling again. Lol TUMNUS (irritably): It wasn't funny, Luinil. Thank you to all my amazing reviewers. I love you all! BOROMIR (furiously): Curse them all! These reviewers really have no taste, have they? *all exit the theater* |
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| jules14 | Dec 31 2008, 05:32 AM Post #4 |
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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A/N: I know I know! It's been forever! I will say only this in my defense: TUMNUS: I was actually coming to my senses for a while, before I was hit in the head with a millstone again. my fourteen year-old muse, Anna, BORIS: Whoa; I didn't know the Muses were so young. BOROMIR: Or that they had such dull names. JULES: Yes, Clio, Thalia, Urania, Euterpe, and...Anna. the one who was my "Luinil get moving or I will literally kick your arse" inspiration JULES: You know, I always thought that kind of...violent...inspiration was bad for an artist. BOROMIR: Well, if this muse was only fourteen... was killed on January 18th in a fatal car accident. ALL: Oh. *everyone bows heads. A moment of silence ensues* A drunken bastard slammed into her while she was sitting at a red light. JULES: That bastard...WAIT a second. She was fourteen and she was driving? What the hell? Why? How'd she get a license? Please do not ask why she was driving; TUMNUS: Too late. it is a long story and it will soon be posted in the original nonfiction section on AFF. BORIS: Well, you've certainly got a healthy respect for the dead, Luinil. BOROMIR: Luinil, do you think this girl would WANT her story posted on a public internet site? Surrounded by bad sex scenes? You will know her story if you care to, I just won't post it here. JULES: We don't care. I am shocked at your callousness in posting her story online, however. Well, as you can imagine, all inspiration for this tale died along with her. *everyone looks more cheerful* BORIS: Who was that "bastard" who hit her? I want to send him a fruit basket. TUMNUS (shocked): Boris! And you say LUINIL has no respect for the dead? BORIS: As long as her death means we don't have to read this shit anymore, I don't care how disrespectful I am. At least, that is what I thought. ALL: D'oh! With the help of all my friends and my reviewers, especially with the help of the beautiful Diana, BORIS: Oh, great...Jules, you'd better put "Diana" on your shit-list. JULES: You got it. *scribbles Diana's name on a piece of paper* the fire has been lit again, and it is slowly growing to what it once was. BOROMIR: That is a ridiculous metaphor. It sounds as if you're talking about the Olympic torch. JULES: It could be innuendo. So please forgive me. TUMNUS: We would have forgiven you if you'd given up on this fic. However, as you haven't... Well, on a happier note...ON TO CHAPPIE FOUR!!!! ALL: ARGH! *everyone is thrown back in their seats* BORIS: Did anyone else feel a blast of icy wind from the screen? ******* *Jules hums "The Stars and Stripes Forever"* Chapter Four Never the Same Again *everyone gasps* TUMNUS: It's as though Luinil KNEW we'd be reading this! Aragorn growled as the hard body beneath him shuddered and bucked violently. ALL: Argh! BOROMIR: Oh, Iluvatar, Luinil tossed us into the middle of a sex scene right away! JULES: Here we go... He panted heavily at the feeling of the tight channel gripping his rigid member, JULES: Wouldn't sticking your penis in the sodium channel of a cell membrane be impossible, as well as painful? at the constant moans escaping the full lips BORIS: Heh; Boromir's got a girly mouth. BOROMIR: Hush! There's still hope that this isn't me! and at the incredible sight of dark hair spread over green grass, TUMNUS: Somebody's had his head shaved, it sounds like. piercing azure orbs nearly black with unabashed desire. JULES: Heh, heh...no. Just no. BORIS: It's not that hard to type "his pupils dilated with desire". Closing his eyes tight, he ground himself into the man beneath him, each ragged thrust bringing him ever closer to his completion. ALL (bored): Mm-hm... Moving his hands over the bare planes of warm flesh revealed to him, TUMNUS: What is with Luinil and "planes"? Aragorn's fingers found those of his lover's and they intertwined as they flew ever higher and higher, BOROMIR: What...flying fingers? Is this sex or an acid trip? JULES: Maybe it's both. Actually, sex on LSD could be a pretty wild experience...*looks dreamy* their moans and cries becoming louder and more feral as they did so. BORIS: And...um...while this is going on, the rest of the Fellowship is just lying there listening? TUMNUS: I think so. BORIS: So really, the others are okay with this. TUMNUS: Yes. Thrusts turned eradic, *snickers all around* BOROMIR: ERRATIC, Luinil. skin began to glisten and words began to fall from tongues loosened by unadulterated passion. JULES (deadpan): So loose that their tongues dropped right out of their mouths and landed on the ground. "Please... fuck... please... harder... faster... more... please... Eru!" BORIS: Oh, please! JULES: Come on; who actually says this stuff when they're having sex? "So tight... so nice... so perfect... oh Elbereth! I'm going to...!" TUMNUS: "Vomit!" BOROMIR: "Spontaneously combust!" "Yes! Yes! Please! Cum for me! Cum inside me!" *hysterical laughter* JULES: There is no way anybody who's had sex before could have written this. I mean, even Doivenya's characters mostly just moaned and squealed and grunted. "Gods above... BOROMIR!" ALL: ARGH! *fall backward over their seats* BOROMIR (rubbing his ear): There's no need to yell, Luinil; I'm right here! TUMNUS: "Gods above"? The Valar don't live "above," Luinil. ******* BORIS: So, Jules, what do you think this time? Stars or snowflakes? JULES: Neither. This time, I think they're hairballs coughed up by my cat. Boromir jolted awake at the sound of Aragorn shouting his name. BOROMIR (wiping his forehead): Oh, thank Iluvatar, it was just a nightmare! TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Boromir! What are you doing?! It's your turn to keep watch! He looked over to where the ranger lay in his bedroll, tossing and turning, BORIS (as Aragorn): Boromir, I can't sleep! I need you to read me a bedtime story! JULES (as Boromir): Hell, no! You might get the hobbits to fall for that crap, but not me! face flushed, dark hair tangled, lips parted as he panted for breath. BORIS (whistle): Damn, that's some dream he's having there... BOROMIR (dangerously): Don't go any further with that statement. It looked almost as though...but nay. That could not be! Could it? TUMNUS: It would help us if you'd explain what in Aslan's name you're talking about! Was Aragorn truly dreaming of him in such a way? BOROMIR (aghast): Honestly? Aragorn is too old and controlled to have such vivid wet dreams! What the... JULES (announcer): We've secretly replaced Aragorn with T.S. Garp. Without knowing why he did it, but seemingly unable to stop himself, the Gondorian moved closer to the sleeping man, TUMNUS: And bashed him over the head with a rock. BORIS: Tumnus, what is with you and beating people over the head with rocks today? TUMNUS: I'm sorry. I suppose that subconsciously, I want to do it to Luinil and these hormone-sodden animals in her story. reaching out and brushing a lock of sweaty hair from his cheek. JULES (as Boromir): Sorry, Aragorn; I'm obsessive-compulsive, and that disarranged hair there was really bothering me. Suddenly, his wrist was caught in a hold of iron BOROMIR (confused): What? BORIS: Wow; Aragorn suddenly developed a robot claw. as grey eyes, stormy with lust, opened to stare at him with unabashed desire. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Oh, Arwen, I knew you'd come to me... JULES (as Boromir): Er...I'm not Arwen; I'm Boromir. TUMNUS (as Aragorn, embarrassed): Oh...heh, heh. I'm terribly sorry; I was having this vivid dream...you know, the sex-equals-marriage law for elves is quite a nuisance sometimes...I really AM most awfully sorry... "Boromir." The ranger's voice was hoarse, husky, as though Aragorn had been screaming for hours. BORIS: Boy, Aragorn's habit of screaming in his sleep must make it a bitch for him to hide from enemies. JULES: I'll say. Without another word, his fingers entwined themselves in dark locks and tugged the larger man's head down to his, TUMNUS: Larger? Since when is Boromir larger than Aragorn? Aren't they roughly the same size? JULES: I think she means Boromir is broader in the chest than Aragorn...at least I hope so. If she makes Boromir fat, I'm going to smother myself in my barf bag. his lips sealing against those of his little fledgling in a searing kiss. "Boromir." BOROMIR: "Argh, no! I don't want this...I wanted to see if you were all right...get off me!" Aragorn did not give the man time to think and pull back. JULES (rolling her eyes): Yeah, sure; so Boromir walks right into your trap just from listening to you have a wet dream, Aragorn. That's no way to lure him. Now, if you'd really wanted it to work, you should have crawled into his bed after he was asleep... BOROMIR (angrily): Jules, you have already tried that with me at least ten times, and it has never worked. JULES (sulkily): Way to rub it in, Boromir. Kicking aside the blankets of his bedroll, one leg wrapped itself around the backs of the Gondorian's knees, TUMNUS (as Aragorn): I'm going to trip him...ha, ha, ha... his opposite shoulder pushing hard against Boromir's, successfully flipping him onto his back. *all are amazed at this superhuman feat* BORIS: Super-Aragorn has re-entered the fanfic, ladies and gentlemen. Without breaking the passionate kiss, Aragorn landed atop his fledgling, JULES: Splat! BOROMIR: "Ow, Aragorn...please...I think you broke all my ribs..." his tongue seeking entrance to the firm mouth beneath his. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Yes, Boromir, I feel guilty about leaving you to be raped as a child, so to make you feel better, *I'm* going to rape you now! Isn't that splendid? BORIS: Tumnus, what was that you were saying about sympathizing with the dead fourteen-year-old muse? "Ara--Aragorn! D-Do-Don--" JULES: Donuts? BOROMIR (disgusted): Now Luinil has given me a STUTTER? What next? The rest of Boromir's protests were cut off as a skilled tongue swept into his mouth, BORIS: Picking up layers and layers of dust and cat hair. seeming to steal the breath from his very soul. *snorts of laughter* JULES: Boromir, darling, those would be your lungs, not your soul. TUMNUS: And we thought the girl with the lonely heart used too many romance clichés. "Do not fight me, Boromir," the ranger rasped. BORIS: "I've got a really bad cold and dammit, I'm giving it to you!" Before the man could disobey, he was being kissed more thoroughly than he had ever been kissed in all his years. BOROMIR: Whatever that means. JULES: I think it means Aragorn was slobbering all over your face. He could hear the blood rushing to his head; BORIS: Whoa, Aragorn, give him some time to breathe! could feel nothing but Aragorn; wanted to feel nothing but Aragorn. TUMNUS: Well, considering that your brain has shrunk to the size of a goose egg since the last chapter, that shouldn't be too difficult. A thrill ran through the future king of Gondor as Boromir's arms found their way around his neck JULES (as Aragorn): Oh, man, Boromir, you DO know what I like! Being strangled is such a turn-on for me! BOROMIR (desperately): Well, I'll try stabbing him instead! and the man's tongue began to spar mercilessly with his own. Each fought for dominance, first in Aragorn's mouth, then in Boromir's. Neither were going to submit; not without a fight. JULES: Look, Luinil, when I mentioned wrestling, I meant that the MEN should fight, not their tongues! BORIS: There is almost nothing less erotic than picturing two disembodied tongues curling around each other like obese flatworms, spraying saliva everywhere like slime. BOROMIR (thoroughly disgusted): Boris! Aragorn hummed and sucked on the slick muscle of his counterpart, curling his own around it in what was sheer delight for both. JULES: Wow; biology lab just got a whole lot weirder. BORIS: So little is more disgusting than... TUMNUS (wince): No more of your poetry, please. With a growl, he ground his hard erection against the one he could feel beneath him, BOROMIR: Ugh...Luinil, if I were raped, I would not be aroused by a man rubbing his erection into me! JULES: But the guy raping you is lyke so totally hawt, Boromir! his mind whirling with all the erotic possibilities this night could very well hold in store for them both. TUMNUS (deadpan): Counting the leaves on each tree in the forest, for example. But it was not to be, for even as Boromir's fingers tugged at his ranger's tunic, ALL: HIS ranger? bucking up against the delicious friction the Dunadan was creating, there was a loud cough and a horrified, "Mister Strider!" *laughter and clapping* JULES: Go Sam! BOROMIR: Ah, that's our Sam, practical and hard-headed! He'll bring them back to their senses! "Fuck me a hundred different ways!" Aragorn swore furiously, BORIS (as Boromir): I'd be glad to! Ha, ha! head whipping around to glower furiously at a scandalized Samwise Gamgee. "What the hell do you want!" JULES (as Sam): Well, I DID want to borrow your boot-knife...now I just want some brain bleach and hard liquor! Yuck! BOROMIR (wince): We don't say "hell" in Arda. As the spell of Aragorn's kisses was broken, Boromir came crashing back to Earth, ALL: Owwwww! landing on the shattered remains of the respect he had once held for the man who had been his Thorongil. BORIS: To add insult to injury, those respect-shards gave his ass some pretty nasty cuts. "Get the fuck off of me!" he growled TUMNUS (exasperated): Why is everyone in this fic suddenly saying that word? JULES: Well, Luinil's obviously given up on her previous "medieval atmosphere" idea. in a voice of such raw fury it would have made Sauron himself shrink back in terror. SAURON (exasperated): Look, stop using me in your metaphors and similes, Luinil! It's got old, and nothing that Boromir does will ever frighten me! BORIS & TUMNUS: Sauron! You're back! *Sauron abruptly vanishes* TUMNUS: Or not. JULES: Boy, that was weird. Aragorn's eyes widened and he quickly let the man up. BORIS (as Aragorn): Oh, dear me, how do I explain this one to the hobbits? I had a hard enough time explaining my badger-shit fetish to them on the way to Rivendell. Boromir leapt to his feet, looking around wildely, JULES: Hmmm...do you think Luinil put that in on purpose? BORIS: Probably not. She probably doesn't even know who Oscar Wilde is. checking, making sure nobody but this little hobbit had witnessed his shameful weakness; his utter degradation. BOROMIR (sigh): Look here, Sam was suspicious of Aragorn in the beginning. If Aragorn ever deliberately harmed me, Sam would be sympathetic. He would stand by me, not condemn me. TUMNUS: Yes, but you're describing the real Sam Gamgee. Badfic!Sam Gamgee, on the other hand, is fat, lazy, and useless, and all he ever does is think up interesting ways to have sex with Frodo. When he saw that the rest of the fellowship were indeed fast asleep in there bedrolls, *everyone cringes* JULES: Go back to first grade, Luinil. That's where I learned not to mix up "their" and "there". he stormed over to the watch fire, lifted a thick branch and slid it into the embers, BORIS (as Boromir): All right, I'm pretending this stick is Aragorn and I'm burning him...take that, you pervy, pompous, wanna-be-king bastard! watching as the dry wood caught and burned just as rapidly as his passion for Aragorn had. BOROMIR: Indeed? I rather thought my arousal during the molestation was involuntary and shameful, not a sign of sexual desire. JULES (patiently): Luinil, arousal during rape does not cause the victim to enjoy it. It makes the shame and horror of the experience worse. No, he thought, passion is not the word. I felt lust for the mud-dweller, not passion. TUMNUS: There's a big difference. Passion is akin to love, and I do not love him! JULES: Passion is akin to love? Boromir, there's a long, long line of real and fictional sex perverts who'd disagree with you. Are you certain, a traitorous little voice in the back of his mind asked. BOROMIR: "Yes, I'm certain! Get out of my skull, badfic writer!" After all, twas it not you who went to him? BOROMIR (exasperated): Luinil, you used the word "it"; "'twas" is a contraction of "it" and "was". You don't use the words "it" and "'twas" together! BORIS: Whoa, if Luinil's grammar has BOROMIR behaving like a grammar Nazi... I did not go to him! Boromir argued furiously with himself. I merely...tried to assure myself he was sleeping well. He's the one who acted on me! TUMNUS: That's actually true! Or the last part is, anyway. JULES: Really, I think Boromir was just drawn to watch Aragorn's wet dream in the same way a person is drawn to watch a train wreck. It's horrifying, but you just can't look away. The voice in the back of his mind howled with laughter BORIS (laughing): Boromir's got a Disney villain in his head! and Boromir growled, his cheeks burning with mortified shame as he glowered down into the licking orange flames. BOROMIR: Why am I sticking my head in the fire? "Never again," he whispered aloud. "He will never again get that close to me." BORIS: "Well, except when we're standing in line for Space Mountain...but that doesn't count." ******* JULES ("A Christmas Story" father): "Oh, it's beautiful...it's indescribable...it reminds me of the Fourth of July!" Frodo watched Aragorn and Boromir closely over the next week and a half. TUMNUS (disgusted): Oh, Frodo, you pervert! BOROMIR: Oh, Eru, no! Sam had come to him a few days back, looking nauseous, and had confided what he had seen to his master. JULES: Look, if Sam is so revolted, why is he telling Frodo about it? Wouldn't he keep it to himself and try to forget it as soon as possible? BOROMIR: Not to mention that it's none of Sam's or Frodo's business...and Sam is well-bred enough to realize that. "There's somethin' unnatural about 'em, Mister Frodo," he had whispered conspiritoraly, shuddering a little. BORIS: Well, bad spelling aside, at least Sam seems in character here. At least he's not being topped by Frodo. "Why do you say that, Sam?" Frodo asked, sighing heavily. TUMNUS (as Frodo): I mean, come on, Sam; it's not necessarily what you think. Perhaps they were simply drunk, or else Aragorn was dreaming about Arwen. At least, I'm hoping it's not what you think. "Because there is, Sir! Men...men simply don't act in such manners!" JULES: Ooh, Sam's been reading the Bible. BORIS: Well, didn't you know? Sam has always been a strict Republican. "Merry and Pippin do," Frodo pointed out, BOROMIR (revolted): Ugh! No, they don't! JULES: Look, I'm not against slash...when it's reasonable! Merry and Pippin slash is disgusting. They're cousins, for Christ's sake! It's incest! TUMNUS: Well, Frodo never said they have sex with each other... looking up from where he had been polishing Sting. BORIS (evil grin): Heh, heh...IF you know what I mean. *Jules snickers* TUMNUS (incredulously): Why are you two acting like fourteen-year-old boys? "You have no complaints when it is them." TUMNUS (gag): I take back what I said before. JULES (losing control): Incest is BAD, not only in Tolkien's world, but in real life! Hello, Turin and Nienor? Hello, Maeglin's lusting after Idril? Hello, Oedipus Rex? Hello, genetic diseases? Hello, Prince Alexis's hemophilia? It's bad, bad, BAD! How many times do I have to drum this into these idiots' heads?! INCEST IS BAD! *Boromir is retching nearby* Sam frowned. "They're hobbits, Sir. If you don't mind me sayin' so, it's natural for hobbits to express our affection in such ways." ALL: NO, IT ISN'T! "As a matter of fact, Sam, I do mind," Frodo said sharply. BOROMIR: "Because it's not true...and it's disgusting. Hobbits are simple, not incestuous!" "What makes it right for hobbits and unnatural for men? How is there a difference? Affection is affection and love is love, no matter who it is between!" JULES: Oh, gag. Frodo's now a leader in the Gay Rights movement. Someone shoot me. TUMNUS: And me. "But Mister Frodo! They are men!" BORIS: "All that hair on their chests and their crotches...it's nasty! It's like watching a pair of yaks mating!" "And we are hobbits!" Frodo had shouted, leaping to his feet, Sting clattering to the ground. *much laughter* JULES: Guys, from now on, make sure that no matter how angry or upset I am, I never jump to my feet yelling something like, "And I'm a human!" TUMNUS: Yes, Frodo, and I'm a faun. What's your point? "Would you truly insult Aragorn, the man who saved our lives; who saved my life? BOROMIR (as Sam): I didn't insult him, Mr. Frodo! I was going to ask him a question; how was I supposed to know he was having sex? Anyway, he's the one who yelled at me! Do you truly think so little of him after all he has sacrificed for us? For all he is sacrificing for us?!" JULES: Oh, yeah, like what? Precious masturbation time? Sam bowed his head and shook it slightly. BORIS (as Sam): Oh, Mr. Frodo, your histrionics have overpowered me yet again. Forgive me. "I would hope not," Frodo said, his cheeks flaming with indignant fury. TUMNUS: "Or else I just might whine at you some more!" "If there is one person who deserves love, it is he. BOROMIR: You know, I have the funniest feeling that he'd already found it...with someone named Arwen, I believe? JULES: Very insightful, Boromir. You keep that at the front of your impossibly small and narrow mind, Samwise Gamgee!" ALL (horrified): What? BOROMIR: My Iluvatar...tell me Frodo did not say that to Sam. JULES: That is just so wrong on so many levels I have no words. TUMNUS: Yes; it singlehandedly destroys the compassionate bond between the two hobbits. BORIS: Look, even I know Frodo would never treat Sam that way. With this, and ignoring the tears that filled his gardener's eyes, Frodo had turned and stormed off to join Merry and Pippin and to watch the tense interactions between the two men of the company. JULES (incredulously): And again! If Frodo had immediately looked guilty and apologized, he could have blamed it on the Ring. But this is just...outrageous. BOROMIR: Frodo would NOT insult his loyal servant and friend over such a stupid issue as Aragorn's sexual preference. It is degrading to Frodo's memory to even suggest that he would. TUMNUS: It's degrading to Tolkien too. Now the little Ring-bearer sat, idly sucking on a stem of sweet grass Pippin had managed to find, JULES (confused): Sugar cane grows in Middle-earth? watching as Aragorn attempted conversation with the stony faced Gondorian sitting opposite him by the fire. BORIS (as Aragorn, ditsy teenage girl): This turtleneck sweater is so awesome, don't you think? Doesn't it, like, go so totally well with my new Capri's? *giggle* BOROMIR: "Please, Iluvatar, take me now." As he watched, the ranger said something, but Boromir only turned his face away in disgust, TUMNUS (as Boromir): Ugh, disgusting! No, I don't want to repeat last night's experience tonight! a wine blush staining his fair cheeks. BOROMIR (nonplussed): Where would we have found wine? And why would I have got drunk on such an important mission? Aragorn's eyes flashed with anger, then filled with near desperate hurt. BORIS (as Aragorn): Ouch...I think I just sat on a column of army ants. Then they turned cold, and he rose up quite suddenly, JULES (as Aragorn): All right, who put that whoopee cushion on the log?! It was not funny! turning away and walking over to where Legolas stood watch on the edge of the camp. TUMNUS (as Aragorn, whiny voice): Leggy-poo, Boromir's being nasty and mean again! Whatever shall I do? BOROMIR (as Legolas, whiny voice): Oh, Estel, do you think you have it worse than me? I am the one whose father is an evil tyrant, who beat me and shouted at me, and who was raped by orcs and then captured and sold into slavery in Harad! "Frodo! Frodo! Come on!" BORIS: "Come wangst with us! We're having fun wallowing in misery over here!" The small hobbit was jerked rather violently out of his blatant observations of the two men as small hands wrapped themselves in his hair and dragged him to his feet. JULES: Woo-hoo! Sam's getting his revenge! BOROMIR: Here's hoping he succeeds in killing badfic!Frodo and frees the real Frodo from prison. "Let's spar!" Pippin chirped, pulling his cousin into the center of the clearing, BOROMIR: Oh, it was just...wait. When did Pippin start dragging people around by their hair? And chirping ? BORIS: Oh, no. It's just what I was dreading...the return of toddler!Pippin. very close to the fire and to where Boromir currently sat, looking as though he had just swallowed something foul. TUMNUS (shrug): He probably did, considering how quickly the food would have turned on this Quest of yours. JULES (scowl): Nah, I think he was just disgusted that Pippin suddenly started acting like a five-year-old—again. "Pip...you can't spar," Frodo said as the little tween ALL: ARGH! JULES (exasperated): Look, I realize Pippin hasn't come of age yet, but even according to hobbit ages, he's not a child anymore! He's twenty-nine, which is the equivalent of nineteen or twenty in human years! pulled out his sword and sank into a fighting stance which was more a frog squat than anything even remotely suggesting he was about to partake in a duel. BORIS: Oh, have a heart, Luinil. Maybe he was suffering from severe menstrual cramps. "I can so! I can so! TUMNUS: "Nah, nah, nah!" *sticks out his tongue* BOROMIR (furious): Argh! PIPPIN IS NOT A LITTLE BOY! When will badfic writers learn?! And Boromir will help me, won't you?" Pippin turned to the man in question. JULES (as Boromir): Certainly. Just wait until I call the PPC. Boromir got hurriedly to his feet, stepping quickly away from the flailing hobbit. TUMNUS (puzzled): Why is he flailing? Are butterflies attacking him or something? "Erm...I think I'll just...er...watch." JULES: Aw, is poor widdle Boromir feeling a widdle insecure? BOROMIR: Shut. Up. As Frodo glanced at Boromir, he noticed Aragorn watching with interest BORIS: Why hasn't the Fellowship started moving again? Why are they just lounging around? TUMNUS (shrug): Perhaps they've eaten too many sweets? and an idea came to him. JULES (as Frodo, dramatically): I am going to invent the light bulb! He drew Sting and turned to Pippin. "All right. *all are startled* BOROMIR: My Iluvatar; this is the first badfic we have read that uses "all right" instead of "alright". TUMNUS: Pity that's not enough to redeem it. Let us see what the Master Peregrin Took is truly made of." JULES: "Now, should I look at his cells under a microscope, or should I just cut him open?" Pippin grinned widely and charged, swinging his small sword in a wide arc that left every vulnerability open and would have had him dead in a lazy blink had this been a true and honest duel. BOROMIR (shocked): Really? JULES: Damn, I think I'm a better swordfighter than this version of Pippin. Frodo stepped calmly aside and the blade impacted harmlessly into the soft dirt BOROMIR: Well, that was anti-climactic. JULES (banging her head on the seat): Verb use, Luinil. "Impacted"? about seven feet from where he had just been standing. TUMNUS: Seven feet? How long is Pippin's arm, exactly? The younger hobbit let out a yell of annoyance and pounced upon his sword, JULES (as Pippin): COWABUNGA! BOROMIR (laughing): He "pounced" on his sword? That would be rather dangerous, Pippin. the very force of his swing having yanked it from his hand. TUMNUS: Oh, so his sword flew out of his hand. Thank you for the clarification, Luinil. He whirled on his cousin once more, holding his weapon with both hands and jabbing it in a semi-straight stabbing motion. BORIS: Yeah, whatever the hell that means. Sure. JULES: Just say that he tried to stab Frodo and missed, for crying out loud. Again, Frodo simply took a small step back, never once even bringing Sting up to defend himself. BOROMIR (sigh): Pippin, come on; you're embarrassing me. Have I taught you nothing so far? TUMNUS: I think Pippin just had too much of that wine you found earlier. "Oi! How come you're not even trying?" Pippin demanded BORIS: "I'm trying to get killed to get out of this fic, Frodo! Have some pity on me and chop off my head, all right?" as he swung his arm up and brought the blade down like one might a wood axe. *Boromir clutches his forehead* JULES: Okay, Pippin is an inexperienced swordfighter compared to Aragorn and Boromir and even Frodo, but even he would know better than to do something so dumb. Sting's tip came up, lazily flicking against the dull edge of Pippin's blade, knocking it off course. TUMNUS: Well, look on the bright side. At least Frodo is not a pansy in this, and he doesn't drop his sword as soon as he sees an enemy. "Don't you know you're in danger?" BORIS: "I warned you not to let that dolphin-obsessed teenage girl into Bag End, didn't I? Trust me; once you get home, she's going to make your life miserable." "Pip, if I were in any less danger, I'd be home in the Shire, naked in a hot bath, stuffed to completion and fast asleep," Frodo said *everyone whistles* JULES: Whoa; what cutting wit, Frodo! BORIS: Ouch. as he batted away his cousin's next mutilated attempt at an attack. BOROMIR: "Mutilated"? "Mutilated" is not the word you want, especially when talking about swordplay. Gazing over to where the Fellowship was watching, he laughed outright at their expressions. BORIS: And did the rest of the Fellowship, like Boromir, look like they'd just been approached for gay sex? Aragorn leant against a tree, and the look on his face suggested that he was uncertain whether or not to roar with laughter at the absurdity of Pippin's skills or bawl with grief at the mutilation of some of his favourite moves. JULES: Okay, raise your hands if you can see Aragorn "bawling with grief". *not one hand is raised* JULES: Didn't think so. TUMNUS (exasperated): For Aslan's sake, Aragorn, if you're so horrified about it, why don't you HELP Pippin instead of just watching him?! Legolas perched upon one of the branches above the ranger's head, gazing down upon the scene, BOROMIR (cringe): Augh. Legolas is showing off his bloody Elven skills again. slowly turning greener and greener as Pippin's ineptitude was revealed and flaunted in all it's nauseating glory. BORIS (throwing up his hands): Oh, for crying out loud, Pippin isn't THAT bad! And Legolas wouldn't get sick because of it even if he was! JULES: What is this, "Let's Bash Pippin!" Day? Boromir stood on the edge of the camp, looking scandelized and quite like he was trying to pass an extremely large and stubborn gallstone. TUMNUS: Rotten food. What did I tell you? BORIS (as Boromir): Argh...constipated...shouldn't have eaten all those bananas...oof... Gimli sat, huddled beside a rock, whetstone in hand, axe across his knees, mouth agape with unabashed horror as Pippin hacked mercilessly at the innocent air. BOROMIR: We GET it. Pippin is the comic relief of the moment, and everyone hates him. Move on! Merry sat on a nearby log with a pained expression on his face, JULES: Wow, everyone in the Fellowship is constipated. shaking his head as though denying to the world in general that he had any affiliation whatsoever with the armed madhobbit. *everyone is banging their heads on their seats* TUMNUS: What exactly has Luinil against Pippin anyway? BORIS: Sauron, Luinil, just put him in a jester's outfit and get it over with! Gandalf stood with his back against a bolder, *everyone stifles laughter* JULES: 'Course it would be a lot worse if Luinil was from Boulder, Colorado. puffing idly on his pipe, one hand gripping his staff, BORIS (as Gandalf): Man, I'm lonely. All these gay couplings in the Fellowship, and I'm the only one left out! Well, thank Eru I've got my trusty staff to help me... *Boromir punches him* looking as though he would hex Pippin into oblivion if the tween dared to come within so much as 300 leagues of his personal bubble, *uproarious laughter* BOROMIR: I didn't know anybody actually USED the phrase "personal bubble". JULES: Potter Puppet Pals, anyone? let alone slashing distance. BORIS: Yeah, smart move, Gandalf. That slash fic where you were paired with Frodo was bad enough; it'll never fade from my memory, no matter how hard I try. Sam was watching Frodo in a rather terrifying manner, TUMNUS (as Sam, dangerously): Mr. Frodo, either you take back what you said about my small mind, or else I'm going to put poison hemlock in your stew tonight. looking as though he were going to either break down in tears, have a panic attack, or wet himself with jealousy *groans and laughter* BOROMIR (sneer): Yes, that is all that Badfic!Sam is good for. "Samwise the Brave"? Preposterous. JULES (deadpan): I'm sensing that Luinil really, really hates Sam. as Pippin bounced around the Ring-bearer in his little dance of doom. BORIS (shaking his head): I'm picturing Pippin dressed up in a Tigger costume right now. "Frodo!" Pippin whined as the hobbit simply kept stepping back, forcing his cousin to advance on him, "you're not even fighting!" JULES (Whiny!Pippin): Frodo, I don't wanna go to kindergarten! TUMNUS (Whiny!Pippin): Frodo, do I have to go to bed? I'm not tired! *Boromir clenches his fists in murderous fury* Frodo hesitated, then, without warning, he leapt at the young tween, BORIS (as Frodo): All right, that's it! I don't know who you are, but I want the real Pippin back! sword coming around in a swift arc, sending both Pippin and his blade into the air JULES (as Pippin): Whoaaaaaa! Frodo, I was just kidding...ahhhhhhhhh! and straight into the legs of a startled Boromir. The man yelled and stumbled, grasping at thin air as he went down hard. BOROMIR (amazed): Pippin must have gained a great deal of weight to knock me to the ground that easily. BORIS: Was he shot out of a cannon? Geez. In a movement so quick and accurate one would have labeled it rehearsed to a T, *all facefault* Sting slipped in between Boromir and the ground, and with a sharp flick of the wrist, a thick line of blood blossomed on the small of the Gondorian's back. JULES (gasp): Frodo's gone homicidal! TUMNUS (as Frodo): Boromir, I'm sorry I had to do this. Once this evil badfic spirit possessing you is gone, you'll thank me. The man grunted in pain as Frodo silently sheathed his sword *Jules opens her mouth* OTHERS: No! JULES: Aw, please? I haven't done it for a long time... OTHERS: NO. and watched as Aragorn leapt across the clearing and knelt down beside his little fledgling. BORIS: Ladies and gentlemen, Luinil Telcontar's latest ballet: "The Emasculation of Two Brave Numenoreans". Without a word, the ranger placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder, pushing him onto his side and lifting his tunic slightly, *Jules and Boris hum striptease music* revealing a formidible gash just above Boromir's firm buttocks. TUMNUS: Argh! Why would he NOTICE the firmness of Boromir's buttocks if he was only going to HEAL him?! Softly, so that nobody else could hear, Aragorn murmured, "I will need to bind this." JULES (as Aragorn): Legolas, the handcuffs and lube, please. Boromir glared at him over his shoulder. "I am completely capable of caring for my own wounds, ranger." BOROMIR: THANK YOU. BORIS: I think it's too much to hope for that Boromir's come to his senses. The word was spoken with all the venom the Gondorian could pack into two syllables. TUMNUS: How in Narnia do you "pack" venom? JULES (shrug): Beats me. Aragorn's lips thinned and his voice took on a no-nonsense tone. "Do not be intolerable, Boromir. I am trying to help you. BORIS: "Yes, this gingerroot up your ass IS going to help you...stop arguing! Who's the healer here, you or me?" You cannot see the wound yourself, so unless you want it to become infected, JULES: "Why don't you let me infect you with AIDS or syphilis instead?" *Boromir cringes* then I suggest you drop the cynicism, stuff that nauseating pride of yours and allow me to assist you." TUMNUS: Ah, Luinil dumps four-syllable words on our heads to look sophisticated. Very eloquent, Aragorn. Boromir growled through clenched teeth, *Boromir tries to say something* BORIS: We know. but allowed Aragorn to help him to his feet and lead him toward the edge of the small camp. TUMNUS (groan): If it were just healing, Aragorn would know better than to move Boromir for fear of making his wound worse. This is yet another obvious sign that Aragorn's intentions are dishonorable. |
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| jules14 | Jan 6 2009, 06:35 PM Post #5 |
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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"Frodo, will you boil some water for me?" the ranger called over his shoulder to the small hobbit who watched the retreating men with a small knowing smile on his face. BORIS (as Frodo): Yeah, baby, free porn! I'm hiding in those bushes to watch; this is just too good to miss! "Aye, Aragorn," he said, beckoning for Sam to bring him one of his pots. BOROMIR (sneer): What, Sam isn't too small and narrow-minded to carry his pots over to you, Frodo? Aragorn grinned at the little Ring-bearer as he grabbed his pack with one hand, JULES (as Aragorn): Don't worry, Frodo; I'll let you take a turn with Boromir when I'm done... BOROMIR: Shut up, Jules. I mean it. the other clasped firmly on Boromir's upper arm, marching him into the trees. ALL (monotone): Hup, two, three, four; hup, two, three, four... Stopping a short distance away, he forced the Gondorian to his knees. TUMNUS: What?! He's not even making a pretext of healing him, he's just... BOROMIR: And the fact that Frodo, of all people, arranged it makes it worse. "Lie down." JULES (exasperated): Why would you force him to his knees if you were just gonna tell him to LIE DOWN? "No!" BORIS (as Boromir, little kid): No! I don't want to and you can't make me! *sticks out his tongue* "Lie the fuck down, you insolent little brat!" BOROMIR (throwing up his hands): That is it. I realized from the beginning that this character was not Aragorn, but now he is the exact opposite of Aragorn. JULES: He wasn't before? Boromir growled and launched himself at Aragorn. BORIS (astronaut): That's one small step for badfic...one giant leap for stupidity. The ranger moved like lightning, an arm coming up and slamming the man hard against a nearby tree. *laughter* TUMNUS: So you've given up on the healing idea, Aragorn? With a howl of pain, Boromir clutched the small of his back, knees buckling as the agony of the rough bark against the freshly opened wound sent him to the ground. JULES: Oh, way to go, Aragorn; after all your talk about not infecting the wound, you went and opened it up worse! Before he could so much as even contemplate moving, a heavy, unyielding weight settled on his firm buttocks, strong hands upon his shoulders. TUMNUS (losing control): Stop describing how firm Boromir's buttocks are, already! Enough is enough! "Are you quite finished resisting?" Aragorn asked, slightly shaking the man beneath him. "I cannot heal you if you fight me, Boromir." BOROMIR: "Then HEAL me, for Eru's sake, instead of shoving me against trees and pinning me to the ground!" The Gondorian only glowered over his shoulder, brow still crinkled in pain, eyes ablaze with indignant fury. BORIS (yawn): In other words, he's pissed off. Aragorn just smiled, which seemed to infuriate his little fledgling even more. BOROMIR (shudder): I never believed that nickname could sound any creepier than it did earlier. I was wrong. They sat that way for a long while, until the clearing of a soft throat ALL: Huh? brought Aragorn back to the reality of his surroundings and the task at hand. JULES: Whoa, and now Aragorn's easily distractible too! That's not good for healing. Frodo stood not far off, watching them with his head of dark brown curls cocked to one side, a boiling pot of water in his hands. BORIS (as Frodo): Hey, c'mon, guys, where's the sex? Get on with it already! I agreed to spar with court-jester Pippin for this show; don't ruin my chance! "Thank you, Frodo." TUMNUS (sigh): Luinil is another author who thinks even the most trivial lines should be written out as dialogue. It would waste less space if she'd just put "Aragorn thanked Frodo" in the next paragraph! The hobbit walked over, set the pot down beside the ranger and left with nothing more than a wink and a knowing smile. BOROMIR: Argh...now FRODO is a disgusting pervert! Have I no allies at all in this fic?! BORIS: Maybe you can recruit Sam to help you fight off Aragorn. Reaching over to his pack, Aragorn pulled out a soft cloth, dipping it into the steaming water, then gazing down at the gash in his Boromir's skin, frowning. JULES (as Aragorn): Wait...um...what was I supposed to do again? "Boromir." "What?" "Remove your breeches." TUMNUS (getting angrier): Luinil, this inconsequential dialogue does not need to be written out! Just say that Aragorn asked Boromir to remove his breeches, for Aslan's sake! BORIS: Actually, this fic might be too boring to be disgusting. Boromir reared up and back, his long mane of midnight hair whipping Aragorn's face BOROMIR: Now I'm a horse? as he brought his head around so fast the ranger was appalled it didn't fly off. JULES (snort): Just what kind of a healer is Aragorn anyway? He moves Boromir even though Boromir's wounded, he's easily distracted, he thinks Boromir's head will fly off... TUMNUS: Wait...he was APPALLED Boromir's head didn't fly off? Did he actually WANT Boromir's head to fly off? "NO!" he bellowed in Aragorn's face. "I WILL NOT REMOVE MY SODDING BREECHES!" *everyone jumps* BORIS: Yikes, that was loud! JULES: Hey, Boromir, Harry Potter just called. He wants his Caps Lock o' Rage back. "BOROMIR!" the ranger roared, leaping to his feet and towering over the man, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I AM NOT GOING TO RAPE YOU! I AM TRYING TO BLOODY HELP YOU!!!!" ALL: ARRRGHHHH! *everyone falls backwards over the seats. Theater shakes* JULES: Jesus Christ, Luinil, lay off the Caps Lock and exclamation point keys! TUMNUS: Yes, my ear lugs have been blown to pieces! BOROMIR (incredulously): Did the theater just shake? BORIS (rubbing his ears): Yep. He closed his eyes, trying to calm his breathing. JULES: I swear, if Aragorn loses his temper like this often, his being King of Gondor will be like Howard Dean being President of the United States. Only Boromir could enrage him to the point where he wanted to simply lose all the control his wanderings and experiences had demanded he learn to clutch so closely. *everyone looks confused* BORIS: I think the whole second half of that sentence could have been left out. With a strangled oath, he whirled away from the Gondorian. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Fine, then! Tend to your own wounds; I don't care! Humph! "When I turn around, if you are not out of those damned breeches, I swear by Eru's soul I will remove them myself," he said in a low, guttural voice. *Boromir gulps* JULES: Wow, Aragorn's talking like Darth Vader now. "But--" BORIS: "Luinil sucks at writing dialogue!" "You have until the count of three, little one, before I come over there and strip you completely bare!" BOROMIR: Why have I not at least threatened to kill him by now?! JULES: Because you're an honorable man, Boromir. Pod!Aragorn, on the other hand... "Why you--!" "One," Aragorn said loudly. "Aragorn!" "Two!" TUMNUS: You know, one of the things this story is famous for is its clever, memorable, thought-provoking dialogue. BORIS: Indeed. With an explosion of swearwords foul enough to cause even the Orcs of Mordor to cringe, JULES: Well, at least she's not bringing Sauron into it again, although bringing the orcs into it isn't much better. Where's Chesterfield when we need him? Boromir sat up and yanked off his breeches, BOROMIR: Luinil, I don't know if you've ever tried to pull off trousers while sitting on the ground, but it is much more difficult than that. flinging them against a nearby tree stump as if they were the ones to blame for his current predicament. BORIS: Oh, good one, Boromir; you're taking out your anger on your breeches, and you probably smothered a chipmunk in the process. You really need help. He then flopped back onto his stomach, knowing that is where the filthy ranger would have put him anyway. JULES (gasp): Wow, so Aragorn likes doing it doggy style! Who'd have thought? BOROMIR (angrily): Jules, did I not tell you to shut up? "Three." Aragorn turned and smirked at the sight of the Gondorian laid out before him, BORIS (cooking-show host): After you roast the Gondorian for four hours, baste it with butter and add the pepper sauce, and it will make a tempting main course. firm golden buttocks simply aching to be fondled; caressed; ravished. *Boromir retches into a barf bag* TUMNUS (nonplussed): Boromir isn't Asian. Why are his buttocks "golden"? JULES: Maybe he sunbathes with his pants off. Then his eyes alighted on the blood covering the man's lower back and he cursed himself for allowing lustful desires to cloud his focus. *everyone sneers at the screen* Walking over to Boromir and settling himself down beside him, BORIS (frowning): How far away was Aragorn from Boromir before? Aragorn removed another cloth from his pack and gently mopped up the excess blood around the gash. He dabbed the wound slightly, barely a breath of a caress, but Boromir still started in pain. JULES (startled): Dude, that's some cut there. What did Frodo do, slice right through to the bone? TUMNUS: Perhaps Boromir has extremely delicate skin, a la "The Princess and the Pea". "Ssshhhh," Aragorn said soothingly, reaching into a small leather pouch he kept about his waist and pulling out a few slightly crinkled leaves. BOROMIR: "Here, play with my autumn-leaf collection from kindergarten. That will make you feel better." "Try not to tense, little one, or the cleansing will burn more than it needs to." JULES (snort): Oh, yeah, I'm sure they had Neosporin back in Arda. The Gondorian only nodded as Aragorn crushed the leaves between his fingers, allowing them to flutter down into the pot of hot water by his side, BORIS: Cue the yoga background music! *Jules starts humming it* filling the small grove with a scent so pure and clean it would have made even the air of Lothlorien quiver in envy. TUMNUS (scratching his head): That is just...I can't work my mind around that. BOROMIR: Meanwhile, Lothlorien experienced its most violent windstorm in a thousand years. Boromir's eyes closed seemingly of their own accord, JULES: You really are bored, aren't you? BOROMIR (yawn): Definitely. and the tenseness which had been oh so present in every muscle of his hard body TUMNUS: No, not just present, but oh, so present. Thanks for the useless elaboration, Luinil. suddenly flowed from him as poison flows from a lanced wound. BORIS: Aragorn cursed as the resulting flood soaked into his boots and breeches. When he felt the heat of the soaked cloth against the fresh wound, he hissed in a sharp breath and tried to move away. JULES: Aragorn, get your crotch away from Boromir! Especially if you've already orgasmed in your breeches; that's disgusting! "Hey hey, none of that," Aragorn said soothingly, placing a hand on the man's back and rubbing tenderly. BORIS: Hey, didn't Aurora Stephens say that to one of the little monsters she adopted? BOROMIR (cringe): I don't want to know. Boromir ceased his movements, focusing on the gentle circles against his skin rather than on the burning of his hurt. BOROMIR (confused): I had my feelings hurt? When? Why? How? TUMNUS: I think Luinil meant your injury. BOROMIR: So why didn't she just say so? TUMNUS (rolling his eyes): Because she's trying to use medieval language, DESPITE having ruined the effect by typing the word "fuck" over and over. There were no words as the ranger tended to his companion's wound. JULES: Yeah? Then "Hey, hey, none of that" and "Try not to tense" weren't words? Only when it was safely cleansed and securely bound did Aragorn realise just what the sight of the Gondorian's muscled rear was doing to him. TUMNUS: It was making his stomach churn like mad; he had a terrible time trying to keep the bile down. He itched to simply grab it and fondle it until it was all he could feel. His eyes traveled down that delectable crevace between the smooth globes, *Boromir throws up* JULES: GLOBES? Luinil DID make Boromir fat! *grabs barf bag* TUMNUS (grabbing her wrist): Don't smother yourself, Jules. We need you for the rest of this story. wanting to simply plunge into it, hearing Boromir cry out in lust. JULES (throwing barf bag down): Luinil, honey, do you have any idea how small the anus is? Do you know how much that would HURT? So unless Boromir's a sadist, he is NOT going to "cry out in lust" if Aragorn sodomizes him without lube! He wanted to feel the man's tight passage clenching around his thrusting cock; BORIS: I deduced that from the previous sentence, thank you. BOROMIR (nauseated): Please tell me he is not going to act on his wishes. wanted to hear his little fledgling begging for more, giving himself over utterly to the sensation of being filled and completed by one who loved him. *all shudder* TUMNUS: She just had to use "little fledgling" in that sentence, didn't she? JULES: Aragorn, use your damn brain. If he was raped, he is not going to want you to fuck him, no matter how much you love him! "Boromir..." His voice was husky as his hand found one of the Gondorian's firm cheeks. BOROMIR (clutching his stomach): She doesn't mean the cheeks on my face, does she? JULES: Nope. *Boromir gags again* To the surprise of both men, Boromir did not pull away. He didn't encourage the ranger, but nor did he discourage him either. BORIS (enraged): Yeah, and that definitely means he's giving his consent...Aragorn, you're molesting him! There's no getting around it! Slowly, as though if he moved his hand, the spell would be broken, Aragorn began kneading the flesh of the man's right buttock, running his fingers over the hot skin. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Yes, I have a part-time job as a masseuse in Bree... BOROMIR: Even if I was attracted to Aragorn, I am not aroused by people squeezing my rear! This is ridiculous! His other came around and settled high on Boromir's inner thigh. JULES: Ooh, she rhymed! In response, the man shifted, parting his legs a little more, BOROMIR (weak voice): No! granting Aragorn access to the one place he had been yearning to go BORIS: That description was...stupid. TUMNUS: Indeed. ever since the little naughtling had been across his lap in that luscious Imladris clearing. JULES: "Naughtling"? Does he mean that you're "naught" to him? So why is he drooling over you? BOROMIR (moan): How should I know? "Boromir," Aragorn whispered, leaning over to breathe in the man's ear; "Are you certain?" BORIS: Oh, how sweet! Aragorn's ASKING Boromir for permission, so it's not really rape and Luinil's conscience is clear! Tee-hee! BOROMIR (snarl): Despite the fact that he and Frodo TRICKED me into this position! "Nay, but do it anyway," was the equally quiet response. *everyone yells in frustration* JULES: Luinil, read my lips: IF BOROMIR WAS RAPED, HE IS NOT GOING TO LET ARAGORN FUCK HIM! TUMNUS: Jules, you've said that already. JULES: I know, but I'm royally pissed off! These fanbrats have NO idea how monstrous rape really is! With a nod, Aragorn softly cupped the heavy sack between the Gondorian's legs, *stifled laughter* BORIS: Uh, Boromir, don't you think carrying that sack of potatoes on your back would be easier? gently squeezing, even as his fingers mapped out every inch of it, delighting in how well it fit; how right it felt. JULES (as Aragorn, stupid voice): Woo-hoo, balls! Derf! Boromir let out a soft groan as Aragorn rubbed his palm over the sensative skin, *everyone groans* TUMNUS: Spellcheck, Luinil. Really, it's not as bad as it sounds. feeling his penis spring to life. BOROMIR (choke): Oh, Eru...must refrain from making the obvious joke...must not...let myself...say it... He shifted, seeking friction as the man above him cupped his hand so that Boromir's testicles rested against his palm and began gently jerking his wrist up and down. JULES: Yeah...Aragorn, I'd suggest squeezing his balls or just running your fingers over them. There's less chance of a wrist injury that way. "Ara-Aragorn...!" The word was choked as he both tried to speak and swallow it. BOROMIR (burying his head in his hands): I know the feeling...I can't look... TUMNUS: We understand. Aragorn's own hardness throbbed as he watched Boromir grind himself against the soft grass. BORIS: Well, masturbating with grass IS original; I don't know how arousing it is, though. Removing his right hand from his fledgling's firm backside, BOROMIR (losing control): Stop it! Stop using those words, Luinil! They're disgusting and trite by now! he reached inside his breeches, wrapping rough fingers around his turgid length JULES: But...I thought Boromir threw his breeches at a stump! TUMNUS: I think Luinil's talking about Aragorn's breeches. and pumping in rhythm to the snaps of his wrist and the pants of the man beside him. BORIS: Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. JULES: Nice going, Aragorn. You'll sprain your wrist and won't be able to hold a sword, all because you gave in to your horny urges. He let out a low moan as his ministrations to the firm sack in his hand sped up TUMNUS (deadpan): And the strained bones in his wrists snapped apart like a chicken's wishbone. and Boromir bucked shamelessly between Aragorn and the ground, cheek pressed to the soft earth, eyes squeezed tightly shut, BOROMIR (eyes squeezed tightly shut): Please...let me know when this is over...I can't bear it...too revolting... hands curled into fists as though he were attempting to control the urge to grab something. BORIS (wicked grin): And we all know what that something is, don't we? BOROMIR (almost tearfully): Please! This is wrong. But you want it. But this is wrong. But you want it. TUMNUS: That is a terrible poem, Luinil. JULES: Nah, I think that's the script for "American Pie IV". Boromir's brain argued furiously with itself. He didn't want this. But he did. He knew it was wrong. Then why did it feel so right? BORIS: Clichés ahoy! JULES: For God's sake, Suethors, enough with the "wrong one loves you right" crap! Aragorn's hand pressed against him harder, moving faster, bringing them both closer and closer to swift completion. TUMNUS: Why am I not surprised? *Boromir curls up into a fetal position* Biting down on his bottom lip, the young Gondorian told the voices to bugger off BORIS: Whoa, interesting choice of words, Boromir. and just went with the sensations, consequenses be damned. BOROMIR: Gah! TUMNUS (rolling his eyes): Glad to know you considered the matter carefully, Boromir. "Turn over." Aragorn's voice was low and caked with lust. *all burst out laughing* JULES: Lust comes in cakes? Hell, I'm baking myself one as soon as we get out of here. "I want to see what I do to you." BOROMIR: It's OBVIOUS what you're doing to me! You can see it fine without my having to change positions! BORIS (worried): He's flipped out...this had better be over soon... Without a word, Boromir rolled onto his back, his eyes dark with lust, lips parted as he gasped and panted for breath. JULES: Of course, this probably hurt the WOUND ON HIS BACK, but... TUMNUS: Oh, Jules, don't you realize? Aragorn's magic-healing-sex got rid of that wound right away! Aragorn's hand moved from cupping the man's testicles to fisting his shaft in long, hard strokes. He knew they didn't have much time. BOROMIR: Yes, considering that I'm about to BURN DOWN THIS BLOODY THEATER! *everyone looks nervously at each other* If they did not return to camp soon, somebody was bound to come looking for them, and then Aragorn would have to kill that person for interupting him and his own. BORIS: Oh, great, now Aragorn's homicidal as well as horny. I guess I should have expected it, but... JULES: Does Luinil seriously think writing the characters this way makes them more appealing? Because it doesn't; it has the exact opposite effect. I want to kill Aragorn now and then bitch-slap Boromir until he grows a spine—and neither character should arouse that hostility in me. Azure eyes stared into gray as both men drove toward their completion, JULES: Oh, God...I have an urge to make the obvious car joke...I swear we almost don't need to riff on this story; Luinil's doing it herself! neither one needing any words; their actions said it all. TUMNUS: Their cars sailing off that cliff were much more eloquent than words. After this moment, they would never be the same again. They would never be able to go back to simple comorodory after this night. JULES: What the hell is that? It looks like a cross between "commodore" and "rotary". BORIS: Isn't it a dance the Australian Aborigines do? JULES: No, that's a "corroboree". BORIS: Then I have no idea what that word is supposed to be. After this night, they would both know, no matter how hard they tried to deny it, that desires ran high and restraint ran low. They would never, could never be mere friends again. TUMNUS: In short, things would be extremely awkward from now on. BORIS: Boromir? Are you going to say something? Oh, never mind. Aragorn's eyes narrowed as his hands moved faster, one on himself, the other on the one who he knew would be his someday, JULES: Sure, once gay marriage becomes legal in Gondor. and as he felt his orgasm wash over him in a tidal wave, he arched his back, hips snapping forward BORIS: Evidently Aragorn has a skeleton made of Tinker Toys. as he let out a guttural cry that ended on Boromir's name, JULES (as Aragorn): BoromEEEEEEEEEEEERRR! thick jets of semen spurting violently from the head of his cock. The Gondorian's eyes closed tight as his entire frame stiffened, TUMNUS (as Boromir): Ugh...semen...blech...don't let it get on me... then, with a moan of both pleasure and self loathing, he came hard into his ranger's hand. BOROMIR (sigh): Well, I suppose it could have been worse. I was thinking Aragorn was going to top me, but he only squeezed my private parts. I don't like it, but it is better than the alternative. BORIS: Yeah, but Aragorn probably has crazy-ass stamina, and he's going to be hard again in barely a minute. They sat that way for a little while, allowing the post orgasmic haze to clear. *everyone makes coughing and choking sounds* TUMNUS: Phew; that's smelly. When it finally did, they both wiped themselves off silently, Boromir stepping back into his breeches as Aragorn fastened his own. JULES: Oh, they're cleaning up after themselves. BOROMIR: Delightful. They didn't look at one another, both needing the time to figure out just what had occurred between them; just how drastically their relationship had changed. TUMNUS: Isn't it OBVIOUS, you nitwits?! You gave in to your raging hormones, and now you won't be able to even talk to each other without feeling awkward! JULES: This is a badfic, Tumnus. They're going to confess their twu wuv to each other and have hot sex every night. Aragorn emptied the pot of Athelas water into the earth, sending a silent thanks to Eru that this little grove existed and blessing the memory that would always live on, known to none save the two who shared it and the nature which had borne witness. *snorts* BORIS: I think the Catholic Church would have something interesting to say about that, especially if Eru really is God. JULES: Except it sounds more like some bizarre pagan fertility ritual. BOROMIR: Great Iluvatar...that sentence was so smarmy...so stupid...it hurt... When both companions were once more presentable, they silently made their way back to the camp where the Fellowship resided, TUMNUS (as Gandalf): This is ridiculous! How long does it take to bind one shallow wound?! BOROMIR (as Frodo): I thought we needed to try and get to Mordor quickly! Why are we still just sitting around doing nothing?! never knowing that this was both the beginning of the end and the end of the beginning. JULES: Dear God, how I hope that's true...for this fic. ******* BORIS (singing): Would ya like to swing on a star... A/N: I know I know! It's short! BOROMIR (in disbelief): You call this short?! I think we spent at least three hours reading it! But I just needed to get this one out. It took bloody long enough. JULES: Yeah, I bet it did. I bet your ass is in terrible pain too, from squeezing this story out of it. I would like to thank all my lovely reviewers for providing me with the inspiration to finally churn out this chapter. JULES: Come on, Luinil, give me their names! I want to get my revenge! TUMNUS: Jules, don't you think you're taking that list of yours a bit too seriously? JULES (scowl): No. Hopefully the next one will be easier in coming, though I have zero ideas for it at the moment. BORIS: Thank Sauron. Maybe we can actually recuperate somewhat. Reviews will help! TUMNUS: They would, if they were actually reviews. However, when you say "reviews" you obviously mean "ego-pampering," so you're beyond help. BOROMIR: I just hope my father is not slandered too badly. *all exit the theater* |
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| jules14 | Jan 30 2009, 06:55 AM Post #6 |
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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Note 1: I've messed a little with time here, so just take it and pretend it's how it's supposed to be. *everyone looks at each other. Just looks* BORIS: Trust me, sweetheart. Messing a LITTLE with TIME should be the least of your worries about this fic. Note 2: Now I know that Denethor wasn't the steward of Gondor during the time of Thorongil, but I've changed that to suit the purposes of this fic. JULES (sneer): What, is Denethor as a simple Steward's heir not good enough to have hot, wild, animalistic sex with Thorongil? I thought Aragorn LIKED princes, judging by how he's treating Boromir. BOROMIR: Oh, Eru, if Aragorn ends up molesting my father... So I apologize to all you Tolkien purests out there. TUMNUS (annoyed): As Boris said, stop apologizing for little changes and start apologizing for the REAL canon-rape! You know, Frodo insulting Sam over Aragorn's sexuality, Aragorn turning into a lecherous pedophile, Boromir lacking a spine, Arwen and Aragorn whining to each other... Wait, on second thought, if you were a Tolkien purest, you wouldn't be reading this fic anyway, so...*raspberry!* JULES: Oh, real mature, Luinil. It's authors like you who give fanfiction writers a bad name. 35 Years Earlier TUMNUS (overdramatic movie announcer): In a time of great strife, when war raged across the land... BORIS: FLASHBACK! BOROMIR: Owwwwwww! "Thorongil! Thorongil! You're back!" JULES: Who's talking? BORIS: Probably Ecthelion. JULES: Boy, I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I hope Denethor flips Aragorn off and boos loudly. Thorongil looked up as a ten-year-old Boromir flew down the white street of Minas Tirith, BOROMIR (in disbelief): "Flew"? Do I have wings in this fic? TUMNUS: Luinil, you should have used any other word in this situation but “flew”. Trust me. long dark hair flying out behind him, eyes alight with excitement, arms outstretched. *Jules hums “Love is a Many Splendored Thing” BORIS: This part of the fic was written in really, really, really exaggerated slow motion. With a wide grin, the man on the tall brown horse swooped down, grabbing the child and swinging him onto the steed's back, clasping him in a tight bear hug. *applause* JULES: All in a day’s work for Super-Aragorn! "Have you been behaving, my little fledgling?" Thorongil whispered against the baby soft skin of Boromir's ear. BOROMIR (creepy whisper): “Because if you haven’t, I’m going to come after you in the night and kill you. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!” The child nodded vigorously and began pawing at the ranger's clothing. BORIS: Oh. Um...wow. TUMNUS: Oh, no, no; this is wrong somehow! "What did you bring me, Thorongil? You brought me a present, did you not?" BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Um...er...certainly! Here, just let me get it out of my tunic...there you are! A clump of hair from my own chest! Aren’t you pleased? The older man smirked. "Well," he said slowly, "I was going to, but..." JULES: “The Internet all over Arda’s been down since Sauron returned to Mordor; I haven’t been able to get on Ebay for five years now.” "Thorongil!" Boromir wailed, "you said you would bring me back a present if I was good!" BOROMIR (scratching his head): If I’m ten years old, am I not a little too old to whine for presents? BORIS: Maybe Luinil’s applying the famous Fanon Elvish Age Plot Point to the Gondorians: if any elf is under one thousand, he or she acts like a bratty little kid, and the author has the excuse to write sappy, family-friendly crap based on an episode of “Full House”. "But how do I know you have been good?" Thorongil said as he leapt down from his horse's back with the little boy in his arms. JULES: “Well, I see you when you’re sleeping, and I know when you’re awake...” BORIS (cringe): Jules, that sounds creepy enough when you’re talking about Santa Claus. Don’t apply it to Aragorn too. He nodded to the stable lad who clicked to his steed, leading it away. TUMNUS (as stable lad): Why don’t I get a name in this fic? *sob* Swinging Boromir onto his back, Thorongil marched through the streets, smiling back at those who smiled at him. JULES (as Aragorn): Yep, just kidnapping Boromir here and carrying him off against his will...don’t mind me... BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Er...he...I’m carrying him because...er...he had...uh...too much to drink? Heh-heh... Some people looked utterly shocked, others, pleasantly surprised. BORIS (Gondorian #1): Oh, dear...Thorongil’s lost his mind, hasn’t he? TUMNUS (Gondorian #2): Finally! I was hoping SOMETHING would drive him from Minas Tirith! Thorongil so rarely showed mirth, that it was a bit disconcerting to see him grinning so shamelessly. BOROMIR: And a little bit irritating and out of place as well, considering that the ENTIRE CITY IS AT WAR. However, they knew deep in their hearts that it had nothing to do with his own accomplishments and duties TUMNUS: Wouldn’t that arouse their suspicions? If his grin has nothing to do with Gondorian victories, isn’t it possible he could be smiling because of some dirty secret? JULES: Well, you have to suspend disbelief here, Tumnus. WE know that Pod!Aragorn is a violent pedophile with no morals, but the rest of Minas Tirith doesn’t know it. and all to do with the child clinging to his shoulders. BOROMIR: One of Aragorn's favorite pastimes is giving piggy-back rides, evidently. "I suppose I shall have to ask your father if you have behaved," the man said as he carried Boromir into the steward's hall. BORIS (as Boromir): But Thorongil, the last time you did that, Father forced us both to sit through that lecture about how he was still the Steward of Gondor and not your servant! It bored me to tears! JULES (as Aragorn): Ah, well, what can I say? I’m a masochist. "No!" The terror in that simple word hit Thorongil like a poisoned arrow. BOROMIR: Huh? JULES: Oh, God, it starts... TUMNUS: I’m hoping this is just because you broke your father’s bust of Earnur and are afraid he’ll scold you for it. Stopping in his tracks, he hesitated for only a moment, then lifted the boy off his shoulders, setting him on his feet and crouching down to gaze into his eyes. BORIS (as Aragorn): Boromir, look at me. You are special, no matter what anyone says, no matter what the bullies in the lower levels of Minas Tirith call you. And it’s okay to be scared at times like these, but just remember that your father and Faramir and I love you for who you really are... JULES (gag): Boris! Have you been watching Dr. Phil recently?! "Boromir," he said softly, "has something happened?" "No!" TUMNUS (as Boromir): Well, except I’ve been failing in my homework, and Father said if I did badly in Sindarin again, he would take away my sword and shield for two weeks! Boromir looked away, hiding his face behind his curtain of raven locks. BOROMIR (scowl): Why is that gesture so cliched now? JULES (rolling her eyes): ‘Cause it’s so emo. Emo in fanfics is just automatically trite by now. Reaching up, the man gently brushed aside the hair and gasped. BORIS: It wasn’t really Boromir...it was Joe Don Baker! The anguish he could see in his little one's eyes was far beyond his years; far beyond what a child of his age should understand enough to feel. JULES: Whoa, there; Boromir must have accidentally watched the animal-cracker sex scene in “Armageddon”! Poor kid. "Little one," Thorongil breathed. "What happened?" BOROMIR: “I just found out where the soldiers of Minas Tirith go after they get drunk!” Boromir's eyes filled with tears and he opened his mouth to speak. BORIS (Homestar Runner): "Well, it all stawted aftew I decided to dwink twenty-two gwasses of mewonade..." "Ranger!" TUMNUS: "Bring me a Bass ale and a sausage roll right now!" Thorongil started as the steward's booming voice rang out behind him. BOROMIR (confused): My father didn't have a booming voice. JULES (as Denethor, booming voice): HI, Thorongil, you sonuvagun! You damn sonuvagun! Where you BEEN the last umpteen years?! Huh? HUH?! Turning, he beheld Denethor, son of Ecthelion, dark hair greying at the temples, JULES (whistle): Wow. Dark hair, gray temples, erect bearing...you know, when Denethor was still middle-aged, he must have been really...hot. A sex bomb, in fact...*drools* BOROMIR (horrified): Jules, please tell me you did not just say what I thought you said. pompous face taught with disapproval as he stared at the man before him. TUMNUS (as Denethor): Thorongil, didn't I tell you NEVER to come back here after you tried to seduce me two years ago?! BORIS (as Aragorn): Oh, Denethor, your face is so taut...sorry, "taught," whatever the hell that means...and pompous. Looks to me like you need help relaxing...*waggles eyebrows suggestively* When his blue eyes flicked to Boromir, the child instinctively cowered closer to Thorongil, who put an arm protectively around him, glaring at Denethor. BOROMIR (disgustedly): Is this necessary? For Iluvatar's sake, just because my father gave me a tough upbringing doesn't mean he abused me! Why would I be afraid of him?! JULES (scoff): Did you learn nothing from Modern American Customs class, Boromir? Parents who don't buy their kids anything they want and don't talk baby-talk to them 24/7 are automatically abusive. He may not have known what was going on, but he was no fool. He could put two and two together, TUMNUS: Of course, whenever he did, they always ended up equaling five, but... and he could tell that his little fledgling was petrified of this man. The question was why. BORIS: He's probably feeling guilty about trampling his father's rosebush! Stop being so paranoid! "Boromir, leave us." The command was harsh and brusque JULES: Yeah, no "Borry-kins, why don't you go play with your dollies while Daddy and Thorry talk"? What's up with that, Denethor? and the child tore from the hall as though Morgoth himself were on his heels. *laughter* TUMNUS: That is the worst simile yet. BOROMIR (angry): How dare you compare my father to Morgoth, Luinil? Thorongil watched with disapproval, but he knew he had no place to tell the steward of the city in which he was little more than a guest how to treat his son. BORIS: Yeah, especially when most of Minas Tirith loved Thorongil more than Denethor...come on, Luinil! Get off Denethor's back and stop making Aragorn wangst! "I want you not to listen to that boy," Denethor said, turning to face the younger man before him. JULES: Aren't Aragorn and Denethor actually about the same age? "He speaks foolishness." BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Er...considering that he didn't actually SAY ANYTHING to me... BORIS (as Denethor): Oh, well, as long as he didn't tell you about my graying pubic hair...dammit! "He has said nothing of which I would label foolish, My Lord," Thorongil said sharply. TUMNUS: What was all Boromir's childish prattle about presents if not foolish, Thorongil? "He makes up stories." JULES: "And they're really dumb...I still have nightmares over that one about the Princess of the Friendly Dragon Kingdom falling in love with an elf..." "He is a child." BORIS: "So that means he can be as obnoxious as he wants, so there!" "He has nightmares of monsters." "He is a child." BOROMIR (as Denethor): I KNOW he's a child, Thorongil! I'm his bloody FATHER, and I'm neither blind nor stupid! Why are you stating the obvious?! "He lies." "No he does not." JULES (irritably): What the hell are you, Aragorn, a human lie detector?! Shut up! "He seeks attention." "No he does not," the man repeated. TUMNUS (enraged): Aragorn, Denethor is Boromir's father! Stop acting as if you know more than him! Denethor bristled at once. "You dare to presume to know my son better than I do, ranger?" BOROMIR: THANK YOU, Father. TUMNUS: Yes, Denethor, that's it; you tell him! "I do." The words were spoken simply as Thorongil pulled a scroll out of his cloak and tossed it onto the stone at the steward's feet. BORIS (as Aragorn): And you can read all about it in this scroll I wrote on the subject: Thorongil's Guide to Raising Children. "Perhaps if you were more of a father and not merely a pompous and cynical bastard, you too would know your child." BOROMIR (outraged): WHAT?! JULES: Well, I guess Aragorn's given up on the whole "not his place to tell the Steward how to treat his son" idea. TUMNUS (shocked): DENETHOR is a pompous and cynical bastard?! What about you, Aragorn?! You're the one who's treating him with such disrespect! With this, he walked around the stunned leader of the city that was his destiny; BORIS (as Denethor): Why, that self-important, unpleasant old...that's it! I don't care HOW my father feels about him; he is going to be out of this city by this time tomorrow! his birthright, and exited the hall in search of the one that would, many years later, be his. BOROMIR: Oh, Eru, THIS again! JULES: Look, Aragorn, has it ever occurred to you that maybe Boromir finds your CREEPINESS terrifying?! ******* BORIS: Seven stars and seven stones and one white tree...is that how it goes, Boromir? BOROMIR: More or less. "Yes, you can." "No, I can't." "Yes, you can." JULES: Hey, cool, it's the Tolkien version of "Annie Get Your Gun"! *singing*: Any orcs you can kill, I can kill quicker...I can kill many more Uruks than you...no, you can't!...yes, I can!...no, you can't!...yes, I can!... TUMNUS: That's enough, Jules. "No, I can't, Thorongil! I am not allowed to speak of it, so just let it alone!" BORIS (bored voice): Cue the loud, annoying wailing right here. "Hush, little one," Thorongil said, running soothing fingers through Boromir's hair. JULES: Is Boromir ten in this or two? 'Cause I've spent time around ten-year-old boys, and they definitely hate being babied like this. BOROMIR (frowning): I'm going to go with two, considering the whole "present" dialogue. For the past fortnight, he had tried to coax what was bothering his little fledgling out of the child, BORIS (yawn): Aragorn son of Arathorn, child psychologist. TUMNUS: Well, you could try ASKING DENETHOR...oh, wait; Denethor is evil and doesn't know how to raise children. I forgot. but Boromir was too intelligent for his own good and always managed to twist the conversation in a direction of complete distraction. JULES (as Boromir): Well...oh, look! There's an army of orcs driving up to Minas Tirith in the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile! BOROMIR (as Aragorn): Really?! Where...oh, bloody Morgoth, he fooled me again! Only after he had taken the boy back to his rooms at night did the ranger realise what the little colt had done. JULES (snort): Boy, is Aragorn stupid. TUMNUS: First Boromir was a fledgling, now he's a colt...stop giving him ridiculously-cute pet names, Aragorn! Outwitted by a ten-year-old, he mused, shaking his head as he helped Boromir bathe. JULES: By the time I was ten, I knew how to bathe myself. BOROMIR (exasperated): Even if I still didn't know how to bathe myself when I was ten, a servant would be doing it, not Thorongil! Thorongil was a captain, not a nursemaid! Oh Thorongil, if only Ada could see you now. BORIS: Yep...he'd say, "You disgusting freak! You're no son of mine!" At the moment, Thorongil sighed heavily and sat down on the edge of the boy's bed, taking the child's hands in his. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Well, do you want me to sing you a lullaby and get your pacifier to help you sleep? BOROMIR: "Thorongil, I'm ten years old! Stop treating me like a baby!" "Boromir. I cannot help you if I do not know what is happening. How am I to protect you if you refuse to speak to me?" JULES (shrug): Boromir could write it down, or he could do what Philomela did and stitch a tapestry about his misfortune. "You cannot help me, Thorongil." Boromir looked down, blinking rapidly. "Not this time." BORIS (as Boromir): I just found out I was the long-lost High King of Pentoozler, destined to save the world in a time of darkness and put all the people I love in danger. The man cupped his face, tilting the small head back JULES: Oh, he's practicing mouth-to-mouth on him. BORIS: Why? and gazing with a clenching heart at the utter hopelessness and pleading in the child's eyes. But of what? Why was he hopeless, and what was he pleading for? If only Thorongil knew. TUMNUS: I don't know, but with this much suspense, it had better be something pretty bloody horrid. BOROMIR: Yes; if it turns out this is just because I didn't get a pony for my birthday... *Jules looks sick as she remembers* "You should go," Boromir said, glancing worriedly at the rising moon outside his window. "Father will need you shortly for the briefing on your next assignment." TUMNUS: So Denethor gives his captains briefings at midnight? Thorongil's lips thinned. The little brat was purposefully getting rid of him. Abruptly he stood and turned away. BORIS (as Aragorn): Well, screw helping you, then, you ungrateful little snotrag. JULES: How is Aragorn supposed to be an excellent substitute father, again? "Goodnight, Boromir," he said rather coldly before exiting the room and closing the door with a bit more violence than was truly necessary. BOROMIR: Look, I never had any children, and even *I* know this is not how a good parent acts with his child! Aragorn should be talking to my father or my nurse or something! Boromir sighed and closed his eyes. He had hurt Thorongil. TUMNUS: No, it's called behaving as a normal, frightened child would. If Thorongil was hurt by it, it is entirely his problem. The man had only wanted to help him and he had pushed him away. JULES: Well, as far as I'm concerned, if those who want to help you are so damn NOSY about your problems, you have the right to push them away. I do it all the time. BOROMIR (mumbling): And to think I wondered why Jules was insane. But how was he to tell his only friend the truth? How could he stand there and explain to Thorongil just how weak he really was? TUMNUS (as Boromir): I can't believe it. I'm already ten and I STILL can't kill a full-grown orc! Something's wrong with me. How could he gaze into those grey eyes and not feel shame at his own inability to fight his father when he came calling? BOROMIR: "Came calling"? JULES (as Denethor, Southern accent): Well, I do declare, if it isn't my son Boromir! Boromir, sugarbaby, fetch your daddy a mint julep... BOROMIR (shiver): That would be quite terrifying. How could he just admit that every night, Denethor would sneak into his room and take what he felt was rightfully his? BORIS: Hey, Boromir, did your father ever sneak into your room and take what he felt was rightfully his? BOROMIR (frowning): Actually...yes... OTHERS: WHAT?! REALLY?! BOROMIR: Yes, when we started losing Osgiliath to Mordor's forces, Father started drinking more heavily, and he would sneak into Faramir's and my chambers and steal from our stash of Dorwinion wine. Every time we woke up, we'd find barrels of it missing, and he always denied stealing it, but we knew better. It got rather annoying after a while. OTHERS (relieved): Oh... BOROMIR: What? What did you think I was going to say? JULES (shudder): Don't ask. How? How? How? BORIS (confused): Have we jumped into an old Western all of a sudden? Are these the stereotypical Indians talking? His musings were interrupted by the sound of the door handle turning slowly; quietly. It was always this way. TUMNUS: Ever since that servant had oiled the door handle a week ago...but I digress. The steward wanted nobody alerted to his son's degradation. That was for his eyes and his pride alone. BOROMIR (frowning): My...degradation? JULES (sickened): Oh, Lord, no... BORIS: Please don't say it... The one time Boromir had screamed out for help, he had been beaten so badly BOROMIR (more horrified): Beaten? By my...father? TUMNUS (covering his eyes): I don't think I can read this. it had taken him a full three weeks to recover under the strongest intensive care healer in all of not only Gondor, but Arnor as well. JULES (snarl): Considering that ARNOR DOESN'T EVEN FUCKIN' EXIST ANYMORE, no kidding. BORIS: I didn't even know Gondor HAD intensive care. TUMNUS: This makes no sense. Even if we assume Denethor WAS just using Boromir, wouldn't he want Boromir to stay alive and whole, even for his own pleasure? And why in the name of Aslan wouldn't the healers have got suspicious and SAID something about it? He never screamed now. Never cried. But he fought. He couldn't not fight, even when he knew it only made it worse for him in the end. BOROMIR: What IS this?! What is supposed to be going on?! *nobody answers* He simply could not just lie there and take it. He was not his father's toy. Well...maybe he was, but he sure wasn't going to accept that role without a struggle. BOROMIR (anger and horror): Jules, Boris, I AM NOT JOKING, what is this?! BORIS (deadly quiet): Trust me. You'll find out soon enough. The familiar stench of ale brewed ten times too strong permiated his nostrils. JULES: Honestly, I picture Denethor as more of a drinker of brandy and wine: much more upscale and sophisticated than strong ale. Maybe even absinthe if he's looked into the palantir too long... Boromir felt the all too well-known flip of fear in his stomach; TUMNUS: What in Narnia did you do, Boromir, swallow a jumping jack? BOROMIR: None of this is answering my question. the tightening in his chest, lump in his throat and burning behind his eyes that promised he would be sobbing and pleading before the night was over. BOROMIR (frantically): No. No. Luinil would not dare...this is impossible! Not even SHE would dare portray my father as a...as a... BORIS: Remember when Phantom's Ange portrayed YOU as a rapist? There's no limits to what fanbrats will do, my friend. He could hear the panting breaths of his father, who always came to him in excited anticipation of his child's suffering and humiliation. *Boromir lapses into horrified silence* TUMNUS: Luinil's going to describe it, isn't she? BORIS: She is. And Boromir is gonna freak. Why would this night be any different? JULES (snarl): Maybe if the REAL Denethor escaped from the dungeon where Luinil's keeping him and set out to kill this disgusting imposter... Rough hands touched him; pulled the blankets away; yanked him upright. BORIS (as Denethor): Boromir, you are getting up and going to your lessons today, and that is final! Moist, rubbery lips covered his and a tongue leaden with the taste of the monstrous brew BOROMIR (retching): Oh, no...rubbery?! TUMNUS: Luinil, you are so bloody disgusting. stabbed into his mouth, gagging him as the child began to struggle. He turned his head this way and that, JULES: Making it much easier for Denethor to gag him with his tongue. BOROMIR: Dear Iluvatar, please let me choke to death...please, please... but was soon thwarted as, with a frustrated growl, Denethor fisted his hands in the silken locks BORIS: Ugh...man, Boromir, in this fic, you were fruity even as a kid! TUMNUS: Stop being so insensitive, Boris! Can't you see this fic is traumatizing him? and held fast, effectively stopping his son's movements. And then it began. ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Boromir felt his back hitting the feathered mattress; JULES: Hey, I didn't know you could feather a mattress. Can you perm it and bleach it too? felt his sleeping trousers loosened; felt the invading fingers around his flaxid member. BORIS: "Flaxid"? What the hell is "flaxid"? JULES (slamming her head on her seat): Luinil, do you need Hooked on Phonics?! Things are not always spelled the way they friggin' sound! "No! Stop! Get the fuck off of me!" BOROMIR: So...apparently, as a ten-year-old I had the reflexes of a babe and the mouth of a filthy old man. CRACK! "You dare swear at me?" TUMNUS: Whoa, where did the "crack" come from?! JULES: Oh, my God, what'd Denethor just break? Boromir twisted in his father's grasp, freeing one of his hands from the man's iron grip. BORIS: I don't remember Denethor grabbing his hands, just his back and penis. Before the steward could recapture him, Boromir balled his fist and sent it crashing hard into the side of the man's head. BOROMIR (shaking): Argh... TUMNUS: Jules, what was that you were saying about sensual fighting? JULES: Well, I didn't mean it like THIS! With a grunt of pain, Denethor recoiled, only to surge forward, stronger and angrier than ever. JULES: SUUUUURRRRRRRRGE! BORIS: Look out, Boromir, it's Super-Turbo-Power!Denethor! Hands closed around the child's throat, shaking violently. TUMNUS (as Denethor): WHERE IS MY BACKSCRATCHER?! TELL ME NOW OR ELSE! Pulling his knees up to his chest, Boromir kicked out with both his feet as hard as he could. BOROMIR (sickened): No...this isn't...I wouldn't... JULES: I understand. Another grunt, and then an explosion of pain on the side of his head. BORIS: Uh oh, one of his sideburns blew up! Whimpering, the child turned to the left, reaching out for the dagger he always kept beside him under the spare pillow. TUMNUS: Oh, please! JULES: Man, somebody's been reading too many lurid teen slasher novels...and it's not me. As his fingers grazed the cold steel, BORIS: Don't grab the blade, stupid! his wrist was caught and yanked backward and up, wrenching an agonized cry from the young throat. BOROMIR (in horror): What, am I now having my limbs yanked off?! By my father?! "Father! Stop it! Please don't!" BOROMIR (sob): Oh, Iluvatar... JULES: This had better be over soon...I think I might go insane too. Like all the nights before, Denethor heeded his firstborn not. TUMNUS (enraged): Stop typing archaeic dialogue where there's no place for it! BOROMIR: NIGHTS BEFORE?! Flipping the writhing boy onto his stomach, he ripped away his trousers and ran his hands possessively over the baby-soft skin of his backside. BORIS: Ah, so obviously the "firm planes" on grown-up Boromir's ass haven't appeared yet. JULES (retch): Okay, after this, I am NEVER using the simile "soft as a baby's bottom" again. "So soft. So tender. So beautiful." TUMNUS: "Really, tell the cook she's truly outdone herself this time on the chicken...pull up your trousers, Boromir!" Boromir's tunic soon followed the shredded garments of his shame on the floor and his hands were soon bound. BORIS: Boy, Denethor is fast at this, isn't he? JULES: Well, he's had plenty of practice...oh, Christ, what am I saying?! "NO!" He struggled, bucking up against the looming figure now straddling him. JULES (shriek): My God, he's being raped by the Jolly Green Giant! Argh! "NO! Please DON'T!" JULES (scream): Oh, I can't stand this anymore...I can't! *starts sobbing uncontrollably. Meanwhile, Boromir seems to be trying not to cry* Denethor only laughed, shifting his weight and pinning his son to the mattress, using all the force he could. BORIS (as Boromir): No, Father, not the barbells...argh! Why'd you have to become a weightlifter? He knew he would leave bruises, and the thought of marking Boromir beyond this night made him smile. BOROMIR: Cliches on top of everything else...no! *breaks down in turn* TUMNUS: Oh, Aslan...the cheese, the angst... Tokens, this child would bear, and he would never be able to tell anyone just how he had aquired them. He, Denethor could have his fun, and nobody would ever know. BORIS: And nobody fuckin' NOTICES THESE BRUISES OR TRIES TO FIND OUT ABOUT THEM?! BOROMIR: MY FATHER IS NOT A SADIST! At the first searing stab of his father's penetration, Boromir broke down, dissolving into silently hysterical sobs. *Jules screams loudly and sobs harder* TUMNUS (almost tearfully): She just had to say "his father," didn't she? *Boromir crawls under his seat* His body quaked and he still struggled, though they were frought with agony and shame BORIS: Wait...what..."they"? TUMNUS: Him and his imaginary friend, I'm guessing. as the steward grunted above him, speaking degrading everythings into his ear. JULES (abruptly wiping her eyes): "Everything"..."EVERYTHING"..."everything"...how do you make that word sound degrading anyway? "Such a tight little hole. So willing. Pretty little whore. ALL: WHAT?! JULES: I swear, this is like a damn slideshow of cliched perverted lines! TUMNUS: "So willing"?! "Rapist" is not synonymous with "idiot", Luinil! You will always be mine, Boromir, and nobody will ever save you." BORIS: "Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I'm evil! EVIL!" BOROMIR (groaning in pain): I don't want to be saved anyway. Thorongil would if he knew, Boromir thought in misery. If only I had told him... TUMNUS (angrily): No, he just would have been jealous that Denethor managed to rape you before he did...and then he would have raped you anyway. "Little fledgling," indeed. Little did he know, he would never have to. JULES (scowl): Oh, Aragorn's been watching it and masturbating to it the entire time...that asshole! I hate him even more than I did before. BOROMIR (weakly): Not Aragorn...this is not Aragorn... ******* BORIS: Call me violent, but now those look like bullet holes...and remind me that I want to shoot this fic SO badly. Thorongil paced his quarters, fuming. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): How dare Denethor think he knows about his son, just because he's his father...that bloody git; I'm giving him a piece of my mind tomorrow! Why, oh why had his little Fledgling inherited the stubbornness that was so known to flourish in all Gondorians? JULES: Well, gee...maybe because he's a Gondorian, and stubbornness flourishes in all Gondorians? BORIS: Hey, his nickname's been capitalized this time! Why couldn't he be an Arnorian; unafraid to ask for help; never shying from a hand that was offered; always seeking new ways to take care of their own? TUMNUS (disgusted): Oh, Luinil's obviously making that up. Why did he have to hide? Something was terribly wrong, and the ranger wanted...no...needed to know what that was! ALL: ZOMG, NO WAYZ!11!!11 He needed to find out; needed to help; needed to make all the pain go away. JULES (cringe): Yeah, to make THAT pain go away, Boromir's gonna need a brand-new rectum surgically put in. I don't think you can help much with that, Aragorn. He needed to do this for Boromir, but how could he if he didn't know what was harming him in the first place? TUMNUS: Meanwhile, a new army from Minas Morgul was setting out to take Osgiliath, but nobody was there to meet them, because Gondor's best captain was wangsting in his room. As a result, they overran Gondor and everyone died. The end. Or who. JULES & BORIS: Dun dun DUN! The thought made him stop his wearing of the carpet and frown deeply. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Why am I wearing this carpet anyway? I look terrible in it. Could it possibly be a who? JULES: Not unless this is a Dr. Seuss crossover. BORIS: Good one. Could the child be in physical danger from someone in the palace? Was that why he was so terrified? Yet...no. That didn't fit. TUMNUS: Physical danger? Making him terrified? Ridiculous. There was no connection at all. Everyone loved Boromir. JULES: And we still do, Boromir, even though you're being so warped out of character in this fic. BOROMIR (breathing heavily): Thank you...that means a lot to me right now... "Everyone but his father," he muttered aloud. JULES (throwing up her hands): Oh, for Christ's sake, DENETHOR LOVED BOROMIR! Boromir was his favorite son! Even Peter Jackson took pains to show it in the films, so how can you ruin it?! Why do you think he was so upset when they brought him the news that Boromir was dead?! Luinil, do you think AT ALL when you write this shit?! As if on cue, an overwhelming need to make sure his little fledgling BOROMIR (frantically): Stop calling me that! Just stop it! I don't care what you do after this, Luinil, just please, please, PLEASE no more of the horrible, creepy, smarmy nickname...*bursts into tears* BORIS: We need to get Boromir out of here as soon as possible. was safely tucked into his bed and sound asleep washed over Thorongil in an irresistable wave. TUMNUS (bored): Oh, the trite waves of emotion. JULES: I swear, there are so many waves in these badfics you'd think they all took place on a beach. Leaving his quarters, he turned right and walked swiftly toward those of the steward and his son, a frown upon his face, his unease and worry growing with every step. BORIS: Oh, brother...I can almost hear the cheesy synthesizer-organ music. JULES: Yeah, next he'll find an open bank vault, step inside, and get attacked by furry green puppets. When he finally reached the outer door to Boromir's chambers, he entered, silent as the night, JULES: Not a night in New York, I can tell you that. not wishing to wake the child if he was indeed asleep. Moving with the swiftness of Strider the Ranger, BORIS: As opposed to, you know, the swiftness of Estel or Aragorn or Wingfoot or one of his other personalities... he crossed the sitting room and quietly turned the handle of Boromir's bed chamber. TUMNUS (as Aragorn): Pssst...Boromir? I just wanted to see if you...OH, MY ILUVATAR! The sudden torrent of emotion that crashed over him as he instinctively reached out with his senses toward Boromir nearly floored the young man. ALL: What the... BORIS: Well, Aragorn's mood swings certainly pop up on him with no warning. He could feel the child's terror as if it were his own; could almost taste the self-disgust; JULES: Oh, please, don't tell me... BOROMIR (weakly): I don't believe this...she actually put in a PSYCHIC BOND between me and Aragorn?! the hatred running over his skin like a devil's caress; could nearly see the misery of a shattered innocence dancing around the darkened room. *everyone cringes* BORIS: Okay, Luinil, your attempt to be poetic there just failed miserably. Stupid purple prose. As his eyes adjusted to the utter blackness inside, he stifled a gasp and suppressed a cry of both anguish and fury at the sight he beheld. JULES (as Aragorn): John McCain and Cher playing strip poker! Noooooo! Boromir, his beautiful little warrior was lying, TUMNUS: I think Luinil heard you, Boromir. BOROMIR (sniff): Yes, but "beautiful little warrior" isn't much better. bound and pinned to the bed, head turned to the side, tears streaming down his face and mouth open in an endless wail of agony JULES (as Boromir): NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! "Manos the Hands of Fate"! Torgo's fondling, the nightgown wrestling, the endless car scenes...it hurts, it burns! AAAAAAAAAH! while above him, the steward of Gondor pounded into his tiny body, a sadistic snarl of pleasure twisting his already unpleasant face. *Boromir vomits* JULES (gagging): Oh, God, that made it sound even worse...I never thought that was possible... TUMNUS: Since when did Denethor have an unpleasant face anyway, except when he went mad?! "That's it, little fuckling. Cry for me. You know you like it." ALL: FUCKLING?! BORIS: So...wrong... JULES: There are no words... "NO!" Boromir screamed. "HELP!" TUMNUS: And we're supposed to believe that NO ONE has heard him screaming all night?! BORIS: Well, it's obvious that Boromir's bedroom has two-foot-thick, soundproof walls. Thorongil had to stop himself from surging into that room, Narsil swinging JULES: Yeah, not doing anything, just run into the room swinging his sword. That'll help, you bastard. as Denethor's fist came down hard against his child's head, making the boy yelp and cry even harder. *Jules and Boromir cry even harder* "P-Ple-ease s-s-stop!" he sobbed. "Please stop! It hurts so much! Please, father! PLEASE!" BORIS: Oh, Sauron, do you HAVE to write it out?! It's just...nasty! And insensitive! BOROMIR: Argh...no...can't take it... "That's right, whorelet. Beg for me. Beg for me to fuck you." *Jules and Boromir both throw up* TUMNUS: WHORELET?! FUCKLING?! Sweet Aslan, no! BORIS (weakly): Does Denethor actually think he's not raping Boromir? The man's thrusts were hard enough to shake the mahogony bed-frame TUMNUS: As Boromir said earlier, mahogany is pretty much the only wood that badfic writers know. BORIS: Only it's "mahogony" this time, whatever that is. as he sped up his pace, slamming into his child like a jackhammer, ignoring the howls and screams of agony this brought out. *Boromir collapses on the floor* BORIS: No! He's passed out, just like in "An Elf's Love"! My Sauron, what if he dies... JULES: JACKHAMMER?! Oh, God, ow! I can't hold it in...(vomits noisily) Boromir's small fingers clawed at the bed post, seeking a purchase that could not be claimed as his wrists were bound too tightly. TUMNUS (breathing deeply): We must finish this...we must! We can't let Boromir die in here! He was forced simply to lie there; to take it with no hope for escape or rescue. JULES (quiet but deadly): Luinil, I cannot express how much I hate you right now. You know so little about rape and child molestation you might as well have learned about it from Phantom's Ange. And the fact that you turned a good, interesting character from Tolkien into such a monster makes me wish Morgoth would just throw you at a Balrog. Thorongil watched, torn asunder. Should he storm into the room and stop this...this...brutality? Should he save Boromir from this torment and anguish? Would it really help? TUMNUS (losing control): What in Aslan's name do you think, you idiot?! Do you think Boromir will be upset with you if you don't?! Yes! his mind screamed at him. Yes! It has to help! I won't leave him to this monster! JULES: Yeah, get him away from Denathor. Those mini-Balrogs can get pretty vicious sometimes. BORIS: Unfortunately, Luinil hasn't been typing it out as "Denathor" for a long time, so we have to accept that she's mangled Denethor. However, his feet didn't move. He felt rooted to the spot, able to do nothing but watch as what was his was stolen; *everyone screams* TUMNUS: TELL me he did not just think that! JULES (uncontrollable rage): LUINIL, JUST BECAUSE ARAGORN TAKES CARE OF BOROMIR DOES NOT EXCUSE THE FACT THAT HE WANTS TO RAPE THE CHILD HIMSELF! BORIS (gagging): This is just disgusting and degrading, even for me. I can't believe a teenage girl wrote this; I'd expect it from some rapist in a prison. ravaged by someone who had claimed to love the child begging, pleading and hysterical naught but twenty feet away. JULES: Well, if Denethor loves Boromir begging, pleading, and hysterical...there you go. He loves him more right now. TUMNUS (revolted): Jules! He couldn't stop the steward. He had no place. ALL: WHAT?! He would be exiled and Boromir would only be harmed more for someone caring enough about him to dare rescue him. JULES: Oh, for God's sake...*headdesk* BORIS: Luinil, do I have to tell you AGAIN that Thorongil was loved more than Denethor in Gondor? TUMNUS: Are Denethor, Boromir, and Aragorn the only three people in Minas Tirith?! WHY is nobody becoming suspicious?! And WHY doesn't Aragorn try to talk to someone else?! But if he did nothing, what would happen then? Could he truly just walk away knowing what he did?No. He knew that much. He couldn't. But what could he do? Where was his place in this mess? JULES: Where's Batman when we need him? BORIS (muttering): I knew that Batman movie marathon last month was a bad idea. Maybe he could talk to Boromir when the child recovered? Would he recover? Could somebody truly recover from something so vile? TUMNUS: In real life, no. In badfic land, otherwise known as Stupidistan, yes. In fact, rape victims recover immediately as soon as someone good-looking has sex with them, which is not logical at all, but then again, Stupidistan is well-known for its lack of logic. JULES (nodding approvingly): Well said. A terrifying thought struck the ranger. BORIS (as Aragorn): My muffins are burning in the oven! Was this the first rape his little fledgling had been forced to endure? He highly doubted it. JULES: Seriously? Just "highly doubted it"? Come on, Boromir's terror of Denethor wasn't making it obvious to you?! Boromir would have had no reason for terror otherwise. He must have expected it; have known. BORIS (rolling his eyes): Please; a drunk chimpanzee could have figured that out by this point! That thought brought Thorongil's to another point of self-loathing. JULES: Oh, boy...cue the Evanescence and My Chemical Romance. How had he, Boromir's protector and friend not noticed? TUMNUS: Well, you ARE frequently outwitted by a ten-year-old, as you said yourself, so I don't think you're the sharpest knife in the cutlery drawer, Aragorn. Granted, he was away quite a bit, but now that he thought back on it, there were signs so vivid even a blind beggar of Bree could have seen it. BORIS: Now, a blind beggar of Minas Tirith, on the other hand, couldn't have seen it...of course, he couldn't have seen anyway, since he was BLIND and all that...blah, blah, blah; my brain just dissolved... There had been something in Boromir's eyes; a pleading that he had not understood; a longing he could not fathom. JULES: We know. Luinil has mentioned it at least three times by now! Now the refusal to let go when he was embraced before a journey was clear; the squirming into his bed in the wee hours of the morning claiming to have had a nightmare. TUMNUS (angrily): Yes, just after Boromir was RAPED, he climbs into bed with another man...I don't think so. BORIS: Why on earth didn't Aragorn's stupid psychic link with Boromir warn him about these situations? Boromir was not a timid child, and not much frightened him. JULES: Well, except those baby gerbils I mentioned a couple of chapters ago. Thorongil had never truly believed the little one's cries of monsters and Orcs in his subconscious, but he had allowed him in anyway. TUMNUS (sarcastically): And that automatically makes him an excellent protector of Boromir, even though he spanks him, thinks of him as a brat when he refuses to talk about his troubles, and, to top off everything, doesn't save him from rape because of his stupid position to uphold. JULES: Boy, Tumnus, you were never this sarcastic in the Chronicles of Narnia. You've really toughened up from reading all these badfics. He enjoyed protecting the child, and he knew Boromir enjoyed being protected. BORIS: Yeah...uh-huh...I'm not buying it. Would he admit it? Certainly not! But they both knew, and that was good enough for them. JULES: You know, this would actually be a nice, cute, father-son scenario...if Luinil hadn't tainted it with all this canon-rape and pedophilia! I swear, nothing is sacred to some people. Little did the ranger know, the true monster Boromir was running from was in fact disguised as a figure of caring and love. TUMNUS: But I thought Denethor was omg!11!so creepy and ebul!!!111!! I thought two scenes ago he was radiating more evil than the Eye of Sauron. BORIS: Just...don't think. The very worst kind. The deadliest sort. The one that could hurt the most; cut the deepest. JULES: Yeah, you go ahead and claim that, Luinil, and then you basically glorify it by writing it as a cheap excuse for wangst in your slashfic. Insensitive, ignorant bitch. And there was nothing he could do about it; nothing he could do to stop his Boromir's pain. *Jules clutches her forehead in disgust* BORIS: Well, do you think you could at least put some ointment on poor Boromir's ass to ease the physical pain? Or are you too emo and self-absorbed to even do that? Tears filled his eyes at this harsh realization; at the truth that he, Thorongil could do nothing but attempt to soothe the afterhurt JULES: Bullshit, "Thorongil". You're basically the most loved man in Gondor, Boromir loves you, you know a safe haven--namely Rivendell--to which you can take Boromir, and Faramir, while you're at it. So obviously you are a complete, selfish, feelingless bastard with no scruples. In fact, I'll bet you're actually getting off watching Boromir get raped. TUMNUS: After reading the above sentence, how can anyone NOT believe that this is just a cheap excuse to put wangst in this story? without even letting his little fledgling know he was being comforted or taken care of. BORIS (pure fury): I swear, if Luinil uses the phrase "little fledgling" one more time, I'm killing somebody. I won't be able to stop myself. I will. He would have to move under the cloak of darkness like a thief or a monster TUMNUS: Well, you should have no trouble with the "monster" part, considering that you already ARE one. when all he really wanted to do was pull the child close and never let go. JULES: And take down his trousers and plunge right in... *Boris and Tumnus slap Jules* Oh Boromir, I am so, so sorry. BORIS: You know, I thought before that Boromir was being stupid in the last few chapters, holding a grudge against Aragorn for something that happened so long ago, but now I agree completely with Boromir. If this had happened to me, I would never have forgiven Aragorn; I would have taken his head off right then and there. JULES: Me too. TUMNUS: As much as I hate to say it, I would have as well. ******* JULES: Whoa; this story's so filthy there's even a visible scum layer on it! A/N: There! Ha! Chapter 5 is complete! I hope I made at least one person cry. BORIS: Oh, you did...but not for the reason you think, bitch. JULES (bursting into tears again): Oh, God...I feel so filthy...I need a shower...I think this story actually left a black trail of slime on my body... TUMNUS (retching): I think we all need baths...help us carry Boromir out of here... *all exit the theater* "Jules, hurry up!" Tumnus called through the bathroom door. "I need to wash the dirty residue of that fanfic off as well!" Boromir was slumped against a wall. He had returned to consciousness, but the look of horror would not go out of his eyes. Meanwhile, Denathor the mini-Balrog was flying around, testing out his new wings, and Chesterfield was hard-pressed to follow him constantly with a fire extinguisher. Morgoth's face on the palantir was self-satisfied. "Well, as I'm quite satisfied with your reactions to this torment, and as Luinil hasn't updated for at least a month, I am now declaring 'The Pride of Boromir' dead." "Thank Sauron," Boris said crossly. "So is Boromir supposed to wait in a coma for another season, like last time?" "No," Morgoth answered. "I want him back on his feet reading fanfics as soon as possible, so I've decided to send him on a holiday, to whatever location he chooses." With that, there was a flash of light, and Boromir disappeared from the Satellite. Boris and Tumnus looked at each other briefly before turning back to Morgoth. "He needed that," Tumnus remarked. "I know if I'd read a fic about my father being portrayed as a rapist, I would have been worse off." Just then, Luna came onto the bridge. There was no sign of dreaminess or looniness in her face, and she stood with her head held high and her hands clasped behind her back, as if she were reviewing troops. "I have an announcement to make," she stated clearly. "As it seems that this fanfic I refused to read was worse than anyone thought, I hereby promise that I shall go into the theater and read all the fanfics sent up here, until the end of the season, and as long as necessary hereafter." There was a brief silence following her announcement. Boris broke it by saying, "Very noble, Luna. But I warn you: we're actually going to hold you to that promise, so you'd better remember it." "And Jules will forgive you once she hears about it," added Tumnus, smiling approvingly at her. "Chesterfield, on the other hand, will have to work his way back into her good graces." |
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1:11 AM Jul 11