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Winter's Thaw: the MST; Doivenya's bad Wheel of Time sex: Part 1
Topic Started: Dec 7 2008, 12:07 AM (684 Views)
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
Disclaimer: Morgoth, Uruk-hai, Nazgul, Boromir, and everything else that has anything to do with Tolkien’s world belongs to the Tolkien Estates, and some belongs to New Line Cinema. Tumnus the faun and Narnia belong to C.S. Lewis and to the Disney Company. Boris the Nazgul belongs to Araiona Dubois. Chesterfield and Jules belong to me. Luna Lovegood belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, and Semirhage and the Wheel of Time series belong to the late Robert Jordan. MST3K belongs to Best Brains Inc. This story belongs to Doivenya and was taken from adultfanfiction.net.


THEME SONG:

In the not-too-distant future
In a place untouched by man,
The evil dark lord Morgoth
Continued his evil plan.
He’d kept the girl by the name of Jules:
His very first victim and one of the fools
Whom he’d sent to the Void for a bit of fun.
Now she’d have to suffer agony until her life was done.


JULES: It sucks, to tell you the truth.

I’ll send her awful fanfics (ooh ooh!)
The worst I can find! (la la la!)
She’ll have to sit and read them all
And I’ll monitor her mind (la la la!)
Remember Jules still can’t control
When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!)
She’ll have to keep her sanity
With the help of all her friends!


DAILY ROLL CALL!

LUNA! (IT WAS THE NARGLES!)
BOROMIR! (BLOODY RING!)
BORIS! (ME AGAIN!)
CHESTERFIELD! (SUES TASTE GOOD!)
TUMNUS! (WHY AM I STILL HERE?!)
JUUUUUUUUUUUULES! (THAT’S ONE “U”!)

If you wonder how this went on so long
And other useless facts (la la la!)
Just repeat to yourself it’s all a joke
You should really just relax–


MORGOTH: Did I tell you Semirhage is here?

For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000!


“Oh, Chesterfield!” gushed Jules as she stroked the luxuriant wolf-dog fur of her new coat. “You didn’t really skin Bijan and Rijah to make coats just for me and Boromir?! You shouldn’t have!” Boromir was already wearing his coat.

Chesterfield scratched his ass uncomfortably. For him, being thanked was about as painful as watching Hobgoblins ten times in a row. It implied that he was a kind, friendly person, which he certainly was not, and he suspected that Jules was enjoying his discomfort.

“Well, you know…” he said slowly. “It was as good a use as any. If you weren’t around, I would have made ‘em into rugs…”

“And the necklace too!” Jules interrupted, indicating the necklace that she wore, made from Rosa Monroe’s teeth. “I’ve got to thank you for desecrating Rosa’s dead body; even in death, she didn’t deserve to be respected. I hope you spat on her corpse before you butchered and ate her.”

Boris came to the rescue. “I did the spitting, actually. I just wish I could have got my hands on her before the PPC did…anyway, a word of advice about that coat. Don’t wear it to Disney World, or you’ll give the company ideas for ANOTHER shitty sequel to “101 Dalmatians”…

“God forbid.” Jules shuddered. “Morgoth would probably make us read the script for it…”

Just at that moment, Morgoth’s face appeared on the globe. “Good morning, fools. I want all of you in here right now, as I have an important announcement to make.”

Boris rolled his eyes. “Let me guess. You just fired Gothmog and replaced him with Adolph Hitler.”

Morgoth’s look was enough to wipe the sneer off the Nazgul’s face. “No, I have not. Now, bring in the others, or you’ll wish that Gothmog had you instead of me.”

In two minutes, all six prisoners stood on the bridge, waiting expectantly.

“Victims,” Morgoth announced dramatically. “I should like to introduce you to Semirhage, a visitor from Randland. She is looking for a new position with the forces of evil in various universes, and I expect all of you to make a good impression.”

The tall, dark woman came into view on the globe. Jules gulped and gasped, “You? No!”

The woman smiled grimly. “Yes, me. Don’t try to butter me up with your pathetic Asmodean imitations; it will only make me angrier.”

There was an incredulous silence from the satellite. Then Luna spoke up. “Wait…weren’t you…didn’t you serve the…dark lord with the big voice?”

“I did until he announced that he was going to make Bela the horse Nae’bliss,” Semirhage explained. “And for me, that was simply the last straw. Let me put it to you this way: if someone is supposed to be a powerfully evil and yet can’t even kill Egwene al’Vere or Elayne Trakand, he or she is too pathetic to serve.”

“Hmmm…” The prisoners, whom Jules had forced to endure the “Wheel of Time” series, looked thoughtful at this point.

“Well, that’s all behind me now,” Semirhage said cheerfully, absentmindedly pulling a needle in and out of her index finger. “I see your victims, Morgoth, but I’m not certain how this torture of yours works. Do you use some power to give them pain, or nearly kill them from excessive pleasure, or what?”

“My experiment is quite a bit more subtle,” Morgoth answered. “I send them a terrible fanfic, and they go into a theater to read it, and…”

“Ah-ha!” Semirhage interrupted triumphantly, an evil grin on her face. “I knew there was a use for this awful story I brought with me!”

“Now, wait just a minute,” Morgoth began, beginning to look murderous. “It is I who choose the fanfics and no one else. If you wish to serve under me, you must learn that I am the…”

But Semirhage went merrily on, unaware that Morgoth was one step away from throwing her at a Balrog. “This fanfic is a nauseating lemon about my world, called “Winter’s Thaw” by Doivenya. It stinks more than an abandoned Trolloc latrine, and I can guarantee that it’s a perfect selection for you, Morgoth.”

Tumnus was outraged. “What are you talking about?! We get a WEEK before we have to read more fanfics, a WEEK! It’s only been three days!

Morgoth’s expression had changed; he was flipping through the story thoughtfully. A grin as fiendish as Semirhage’s spread over his face.

“In this case, she’s right,” he said. “It is better to strike while the iron is hot, and so the fic should be on the way in a minute.” He gave Semirhage a smile of approval that Sauron would have envied.

Meanwhile, the prisoners groaned. Before they could protest further, however, the lights started flashing. “We’ve got fanfic sign!” cried Jules. She, Boromir, Tumnus, and Boris headed into the theater, leaving Chesterfield and Luna on the bridge, looking both stunned and relieved.


Disclaimer: I do not own the book that this fanfiction is for,

BORIS: No, really, I don’t… “The Shittiest Sex Scenes in Fanfiction” is my brother’s book, after all, not mine.

nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

TUMNUS: I DO make a delicious shepherd's pie, however.

***
JULES: Oh, damn; I thought it wouldn’t snow any more this winter.

Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction, not intended to reflect any real people or places in any way.

*everyone cheers half-heartedly*

It is also a work written solely for the enjoyment of myself and others over the age of 18;

BOROMIR: Jules, what if we told Morgoth we were less than eighteen mentally if not physically? Could we get out of here then?
JULES (morosely): Morgoth would probably make us read this if we were five.


it is written with no intent to use the characters created by Robert Jordan

TUMNUS: Er…isn’t that the whole point of writing “Wheel of Time” fanfiction, to use the characters?

in a manner that infringes upon their copyrights.

BORIS: Is this necessary? How many people actually read “Wheel of Time” nowadays, unless they’re complete sadists… (glances at Jules)…or Jules?

This work does not pretend to be anything more than what it is,

JULES: A disgusting, poorly-written piece of crap?

a totally non-canon, non-profit reimagining

BOROMIR (gulp): “Reimagining”?
BORIS (shudder): That’s definitely ominous. The slogan for the Tim Burton “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” film was “It’s not a remake; it’s a reimagining!”
TUMNUS: Well, we’ll see if Doivenya’s “reimagining” can make Jordan’s original story any less boring.


of a certain scene in Mr. Jordan's book. With that said, enjoy.

*Silence*
JULES: Is he being ironic?


***
BORIS: Hooray; twinkly twinkly!

"There is one more thing, Rand," Elayne said,

BOROMIR: “I think…we should break up.”

and stopped to swallow.

BORIS (as Elayne): Sorry…had to get rid of my gum there. So, where was I?

Light, she had thought this would be the easy part.

JULES: Oh, so Doivenya’s whole fic is going to be a DESCRIPTION of the glossed-over sex scene in “Winter’s Heart.” God, how original.

She rose from her seat on the floor, shaking all over but trying not to show it,

TUMNUS: Well, no one says you HAVE to have sex with him, Elayne!
JULES: Well, see, if she doesn’t, Rand might live with Min all the time and forget about her…(snort)…oh, wait; he’s already done that.


and took a step forward.

BORIS (as Elayne, dumb-blonde voice): So…uh…are we gonna do it now?

Behind her, Min quirked an eyebrow,

BOROMIR (as Min): Um…should I leave now? Elayne? Rand? Do you need me here anymore? Oh, forget it.

and turned to Aviendha as if to crack a joke;

TUMNUS (as Min): So, a man walks into a bar, and the bartender says…
JULES (as Aviendha): Shut up, you unfunny cross-dressing whore.


the Aiel woman, nearly glaring, waved her to silence.

BORIS (as Aviendha): Come on, Min; I haven’t had any for a year! Don’t ruin the show for me!

But Elayne had eyes only for Rand; his wary expression as he looked at her was tempered by the golden threads of love that shone through the Warder bond.

JULES (in frustration): Yeah, love my ass. It’s obvious to anyone who’s been in a loving relationship that Jordan’s statement about Rand “loving” Min, Aviendha, and Elayne at the same time is utter bullshit, seeing as how Rand has left Aviendha and Elayne alone, pretty much forgotten about both of them, and keeps Min, who’s about as useful to him as a sack of wet cement, next to him all the time!
BOROMIR (patting her shoulder): It’s all right, Jules. I realize you’re bitter, but…
JULES: Bitter? Why should I be bitter? I was suckered into reading the “Wheel of Time” series by the first few decent books; then I read the fifth, the sixth, the seventh, and flipped through the last three…AND NOTHING WHATSOEVER HAPPENS IN OVER FIVE THOUSAND PAGES!!! Not to mention that Jordan went and DIED before he even let his readers know who killed Asmodean…not to mention that he killed off one of the only two decent female characters in his series…not to mention his disgusting obsession with female nudity and spanking…
*Boromir covers her mouth*
BORIS (shaking his head): She’s bitter, all right.


A trifle unsteadily, her hands went behind her back.

TUMNUS (as Elayne): Whoever stole the Royal Backscratcher is dead!
JULES (breathing deeply): Ah, thanks for getting back on track, Tumnus.


"One of you will have to help me," was all she said, and began fumbling at her buttons.

BOROMIR (as Min): Er…I’ll pass.
BORIS (as Aviendha): Great Light, NO.


The shock that rolled through the bond

JULES: Hey, she’s been bound with electric wire!
TUMNUS (as Elayne): Ow, ow! It hurts, it burns!


should have had Rand's mouth gaping open, but all his face showed was a widening of the eyes.

BORIS: For Min had forgotten to take that gag out of his mouth.

Min and Aviendha rose smoothly to their feet behind her. Min, sashaying about in that way of hers,

JULES (square-dance caller): Do-si-do, swing yer partners; sashay up an’ down the hall!

walked to Rand, grinning, while Aviendha laid a comforting hand on Elayne's shoulder

*Jules and Boris make electric hand-buzzer sounds*
BORIS: That never gets old.
JULES: Nope.


and began undoing the dress's buttons.

BOROMIR (as Aviendha): You, know, you COULD ask Rand to do this…after all, it’s HIM you’re going to sleep with.

The Aiel woman was fast, but Min was faster;

TUMNUS: Min beat her in the hundred-yard-dash, even though the Aiel woman won the mile-run.

in the blink of an eye she had Rand's coat off and was halfway done with his shirt.

*applause*
BORIS (as Min): I’m a faster undresser than you! Eat my dust, Aiel savage!


She apparently had a bit of experience with undressing Rand.

JULES: The poor widdle Dwagon Rebawn couldn’t undwess himself!
BOROMIR (as Min): Look, Rand, THIS is how you undo your buttons…


Chuckling, she reached a finger around to trail it up his spine;

JULES (as Min, singing): The itsy-bitsy spider crawls up the water spout…

he jumped, turning to look down at her.

TUMNUS (as Rand): Oof, your hands are cold!

"Calm down, sheepherder," she laughed,

BOROMIR (as Rand): Min! I asked you not to call me that in front of people!

"Elayne needs to get what she wants tonight."

BORIS: “And she wants a sled for Christmas.”

Elayne, trembling, stared across at Rand. She knew what she wanted tonight, and so did Min and Aviendha.

JULES: So they all wrote letters to Santa Claus.
BORIS: Which were intercepted by Pitch the devil.


They had talked this over, the three of them,

TUMNUS (as Elayne): But wouldn’t it be easier if we ASKED Rand for Christmas gifts?
BOROMIR (as Min): Look here, Elayne; if you’re female and you want to get Rand’s attention now, you have to be a shameless slut. Either that or you have to get yourself killed.


and Elayne had found out that the other two had already had him. It was her turn, now.

BOROMIR: Since when is sex like waiting in line for something?
JULES: Only in Robert Jordan’s world.


But she hadn't been sure she could go through with it, not without him taking the lead;

BORIS (rolling his eyes): Well, isn’t that obvious? She was a virgin, for Sauron’s sake!

she was just so much weaker, less forceful than either of her friends.

JULES: Oh, Elayne, don’t say that. Why, you were well on your way to pussy-whipping Rand in the Stone of Tear; it’s just that circumstances forced you to leave.
TUMNUS (confused): So…weaker virgins are so much…weaker…than regular virgins? I am confused.


And so she had worked up the courage to make a proposal to them,

BORIS (as Elayne): Aviendha, Min…will you both marry me?

quite possibly the most indecent thing she had ever asked of someone.

BOROMIR: Next to asking that circus owner to let her walk the tightrope, of course.
JULES (whistle): You’ve got a good memory, Boromir.


They had laughingly agreed, giggling like ten-year-olds just learning about boys.

BORIS: “Hee, hee, hee, hee…boys are STUPID…and they have COOTIES!”

Min had at least had the good grace to blush and dissemble about it;

TUMNUS (as Min): Elayne, bisexuality isn’t decent! I’m not just any whore; I’m a decent, clean-minded whore!

Aviendha had merely accepted, no trace of embarrassment on her face.

BOROMIR: Er…Doivenya, sister-wives are supposed to marry the same man, not each other. You’ve got the whole concept entirely wrong.

For all Elayne knew, Aiel women might do this sort of thing all the time; she would have to ask Aviendha, after.

JULES: For all Elayne knew, cows might dance the hula and crochet lace too.
TUMNUS: That doesn’t make sense.
JULES: Do you have ANY idea of Elayne’s intelligence level, or lack thereof?


A tap on her shoulder brought her back to the moment,

JULES (as Elayne): GAH! Mother…oh, it’s just a Myrddraal…wait…aahhhhhhhh!!

and she looked back to see her first-sister's smiling face.

TUMNUS: But not the rest of her?
BORIS: Aviendha had stolen Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak.


Her buttons were done. Steeling herself, she reached down to gather up her skirts,

BORIS (as Elayne): Now, Rand, remember, I’m still just learning the can-can, so if I make mistakes, don’t laugh at me.

and with Aviendha's help pulled the dress over her head.

BOROMIR (as Rand): EWWW! THIS is what you meant?! Cover yourself, ugh!

Standing there in her shift,

TUMNUS: Bloody evil ape…
JULES: No, the underwear, not the ape.
TUMNUS: I know, but every time I read that word, it makes me think of the ape. I can’t help it.


she looked across to find that Min had Rand's shirt and boots off,

BOROMIR (in disbelief): The undressing is STILL going on?! It would be faster if they just undressed themselves!

and was going to work on his belt.

JULES (as Min): Now, let me see…how on earth do I get this doohickey open? I don’t see a zipper any place…
TUMNUS (as Rand, exasperated): Min, for the twenty-fifth time, there’s a buckle in front.


Rand's chest, still noticeably tanned from his time in the Waste,

BORIS: Personally, I don’t see how you can tan if you spend time in a landfill.
JULES (announcer): Rand al’Thor IS Oscar the Grouch!


was well-muscled and strong looking;

BOROMIR: It was also peculiarly hairless, with a picture of a trout tattooed on it.

the wounds in his side, seemingly a circular, tender looking scar with a slash across it,

BORIS: Hey, cool; he’s got a scar in the shape of a “no smoking” sign!

tugged at her heart for a moment,

BOROMIR (as Elayne): Whoa…heartburn there.

but did nothing to spoil the mood. His arms glittered golden from the dragons tattooed there.

BORIS (deadpan): That still didn’t spoil the mood.

Aviendha had just gotten her stockings off, and now was lifting Elayne's shift over her head.

TUMNUS (as Elayne): Er…Aviendha, I think I can take it from here, thanks…seriously, Aviendha, I don’t need any more help…Aviendha, stop pawing me!

As it left her, she shook her head, so that her long, red-gold curls wouldn't tangle in front of her face.

JULES: Of course, with all the shaking going on, they tangled in front of her face anyway.

Her blue eyes stared at Rand's grey-blue almost uneasily.

BOROMIR (as Elayne): Are your eyes naturally blue, or just fake blue?

The cool air caused goosebumps to rise on her now-naked, creamy skin;

JULES: It seems that the recent cold front was giving R.L. Stine some new inspiration.

her nipples, large and dark red, hardened above ample, pale white breasts.

JULES: Her nipples are floating in the air over her breasts?

Her smooth, thin stomach flowed down to her sinuous hips,

BORIS (as Elayne): Argh, my skin! Ow, my stomach’s melting! I’m melting! MELTING!

where a golden stripe of pubic hair crowned her pinkish-red pussy lips.

TUMNUS: Long live King Labia!
JULES: “Pinkish-red”?! Does he mean magenta?! Ew!


Her long legs held her straight, and did not tremble,

BOROMIR: Tonight, she was extremely lucky. Usually her long legs made her body crooked, and they always collapsed underneath her, so that she couldn’t walk more than two steps.

even when she felt Rand's hungry gaze on her body.

JULES (as Rand): Mmmm…she looks delicious…I think I’ll roast her up with some potatoes…

The golden threads warred with a red, roaring furnace of lust,

BOROMIR: I’d bet on the threads in that situation.
JULES: Naw, I’d bet on the furnace.
BORIS: The war between two random inanimate objects, ladies and gentlemen.


now; she was afraid of it, and yet at the same time strangely excited by it.

TUMNUS (yawn): Indeed; I might have guessed it.
BOROMIR: How utterly clichéd. Why can’t we ever read a lemon about a virgin who’s completely terrified of sex?


She stood, naked,

ALL: WE KNOW.

and watched as Min finally freed his breeches and pulled them down.

JULES: Oh, boy…get ready for a paragraph-long description of his penis, including length, diameter, color of the head…
*gulps all around*


His cock sprang up, fully erect already at the sight of her.

BOROMIR (patiently): Doivenya, if it’s already erect, it doesn’t “spring” up.
TUMNUS: So his penis recognizes Elayne like a dog, and it’s wagging its tail?


She blushed as she studied it;

JULES (frustrated): It’s a penis, Elayne! What is there to study? How complicated can it BE?!

it was so big!

*guffaws*
BORIS: Comment taken directly from the “Dur-hey!” Sex Education Videos.


Is that really ... Before the breeches were all the way down,

ALL: Yah!
BOROMIR: What happened to the rest of the first sentence?


he stepped out of them and across the room to her, gathering her into his arms.

JULES (as Rand): All right! Now I get to finally throw you through a window!
TUMNUS (as Elayne): No!! I can’t believe you… (makes crashing noises)


His head bent down, and his mouth met hers roughly. She parted her lips as he drew her to him, and his tongue entered her mouth.

TUMNUS: Ah, yes; the ever-popular, two-paragraph-long French kiss begins the scene.

One of his heron-branded palms held her waist while the other ran

BOROMIR: Her through with a sword.

through her hair,

BOROMIR: Oh.

pushing her head into his.

JULES: BONK!
TUMNUS: Why are they doing a bighorn-sheep mating display?


She was no less urgent, her arms snaking up and around his back

BORIS (as Elayne): Ewwwwww! Rand, you’ve got so many zits on your back it feels like the surface of the moon!

to grasp his shoulders and pull him into her,

ALL: ALREADY?!

her tongue massaging his. He tasted ...

JULES: Like tuna. It was weird, and a little bit nauseating.

sweeter, somehow, than she remembered from Tear.

BOROMIR: Thanks to a steady diet of honey, candy corn, and cake icing.
TUMNUS: Of course his teeth were rotten and black by now, but at least when Elayne was kissing him, she couldn’t see them.


Elayne's breasts were crushed against him,

BORIS (as Elayne): Ow. Ow…Rand, can you…ouch!

the nipples rubbing up and down his chest ash they swayed with each other.

JULES (singing): A kiss is still a kisssssss…
BORIS: Oh, now they’re slow-dancing. That makes sense.


Tingles of pleasure spread outwards from her nipples,

BOROMIR (shaking his head): First they float above her breasts and now they transmit pleasure to the rest of her body.
BORIS: Well, didn’t you know? Elayne is actually an alien sent to Earth to get pregnant and help her planet’s declining population.
BOROMIR: I didn’t know that. Very interesting, Boris.


and she felt herself moisten in anticipation,

JULES: Yeah, who needs Neutrogena when you’ve got sex?

but her rational mind was slowly fading,

TUMNUS: You mean Elayne actually HAS a rational mind?
BORIS: Maybe Doivenya means “rational” in a relative sense…compared with Min, for example.


replaced with need, desire.

BOROMIR: Lust.
JULES: Horniness.
BORIS: Longing.
TUMNUS: Desire…oh, wait; Doivenya already used that one.


She could feel his hard dick,

*Silence*
JULES: Um, yeah.
TUMNUS: That’s “penis” for everybody who doesn’t speak Dimwitted Teenage Boy.


pressed between them vertically,

BOROMIR: Oh, urgh…that simply isn’t right.
JULES: Vertical penis? I can’t even picture it.


his balls down around her crotch and the shaft resting along her stomach, nearly reaching her breasts.

BORIS (in shock): It’s more than vertical; it’s sticking straight up!
JULES: Good God, WHAT kind of pills has Rand been taking?!


Experimentally, she dropped one hand down between their bodies to grab it by the head;

JULES: 'Course it was under such a strain from all the Viagra Rand had taken that it exploded immediately.

immediately, Rand moaned around the kiss, and then broke it.

BORIS (as Rand): Ow…geez, your fingernails are long!

His hands roamed her body, exploring it all.

TUMNUS (announcer): Explore Elayne’s Body Adventure! Be sure to visit the famous Rosy Peaks and Grand Canyon!

Brushing her neck, her thighs, her ass, and finally up to her tits,

JULES (snort): “Tits”? Oh, how romantic.

where he grabbed them. Each was a handful in itself;

BOROMIR: They misbehaved constantly; Elayne was now considering sending them to obedience school.

he kneaded them together and apart, squeezing them first gently, and then harder,

BORIS: Anal-retentive fondling, eh?

tweaking her erect nipples every so often.

JULES: Okay, I don’t know what woman would actually LIKE to have her nipples tugged, but I sure as hell wouldn’t.

They kissed again, passionately,

TUMNUS: What, all that “tongue-massaging” wasn’t “passionate” enough?

and then he darted his head down to flick a tongue across one of her nipples.

BOROMIR (as Rand): Sorry about that; you had a crumb there that was bothering me…

She cried out, thrusting them toward his mouth; he needed no urging. His lips latched on, and he began sucking on her nipple,

ALL: UGH!
JULES: Yuck, he’s like a calf sucking on an udder!
BORIS: Got milk?


his hand squeezing the breast underneath it,

BOROMIR (in disbelief): Her nipples really ARE floating above her breasts.
JULES: Probably an unfortunate side effect from channeling the One Power.


pulling it towards him.

BORIS (shaking his head): It was cruel of Min and Aviendha not to warn Elayne about how bad Rand was at this.
BOROMIR: They’re probably enjoying Elayne’s discomfort.


Her breath came in short gasps, now; barely capable of thought,

JULES: But seriously, since Elayne is like that pretty much all the time, it doesn’t make much difference…

she started rubbing her hand up and down,

BORIS: Seriously? Just randomly, like in the air… (moves his hand up and down)
BOROMIR: Rubbing WHAT?!


gripping his shaft and stroking it as Min had told her he liked.

JULES: He’s one sexy motherfu…
BORIS: Shut yo’ mouth!
JULES: I’m just talkin’ ‘bout Shaft; can you dig it?


His hips thrust forward involuntarily,

TUMNUS: Knocking Elayne flat on her back. No? Blast.

and he groaned around his mouthful of nipple.

BOROMIR: Now, Rand, don’t talk with your mouth full.

His free hand slid down her body, squeezing her ass, massaging the cheeks.

JULES (as Rand): Heh, heh, butt squishy and soft, derf derf…

As she stroked him, one of his fingers entered the crack of her ass,

BORIS: Um, Rand…her sensitive area is in front. Sticking your finger in her anus is not likely to get her aroused this early in the process.

moving smoothly down along it. Gently, it massaged the skin, moving down until it came to her asshole;

BOROMIR: WHAT in Arda is he doing?!
JULES: Sheesh; he’s fumbling a whole lot for someone who’s done this before! You’d think he’d never touched a girl there!


that, it teased open for a moment, before moving on, picking up speed.

TUMNUS (swallow): No.
BORIS: The less said about that the better, eh?
BOROMIR: As long as he doesn’t lick his finger…


His head came up from her breast and kissed her, violently.

JULES: What, was he kissing her GENTLY before?! STOP REPEATING YOURSELF!

His finger reached her pussy lips,

BORIS: Doivenya, there’s a nice word for those things, called “labia”. It’s easier to type; for one thing, it’s got fewer letters. Try it sometime.

rubbing them apart for a moment, causing her to shudder and moan into his mouth;

TUMNUS: By now, she was profoundly disgusted.

then, gently, slowly, he inserted the tip of his finger, twirling it around softly inside her damp folds.

BORIS (as Elayne): Rand, will you stop fondling my wet towels and get back to the business at hand?!

This time, she broke from the kiss,

JULES (as Elayne): Okay, that’s it, David Coppafeel! I don’t know what the hell you’re doing, but I came here to have sex, not to be human Play-Doh!
*everyone looks at Jules*
JULES: Well, *I* thought it was funny, so bite me.


with a moan of pleasure as her knees became weak.

BOROMIR (hopefully): Is she going to faint, so we won’t have to read any further?

Rand's finger was barely in her, and yet she felt full, deliciously so.

BORIS: Oh, yeah right.
TUMNUS: She has obviously never masturbated in her life.


She took his head in her hands, and whispered breathily,

BORIS: “I can shoot Ping-Pong balls out of my…”
*Boromir covers his mouth*


"Oh Light, Rand, I'm ready."

JULES: Wait, if she felt full when only his FINGER was in her, then she can’t be ready, because his penis isn’t going to fit…sorry, I’m thinking way too much.

Suddenly, the two lovers remembered that they were not alone.

ALL: WAH WAH WAHHHHHHHH!

Elayne's gaze went to her left, and there Min stood,

BORIS (as Min): Look, guys, couldn’t you have waited ‘til I was outta the room?!

wearing nothing but a sexy, wicked grin.

ALL: D’OH!

Apparently, she had used the opportunity to shed her coat and breeches,

TUMNUS: No, she was still wearing them, but they’d gone invisible. WHAT DO YOU THINK?!

revealing her light olive-toned body.

*everyone yawns*
JULES: There’s gonna be three paragraphs describing it, I bet.


Her chestnut hair hung in ringlets around her brown-eyed grin,

BOROMIR: Yes, just her GRIN, but not the rest of her face.
JULES: All of a sudden, I’m picturing Cousin Itt with brown eyes and a grinning mouth full of teeth.


and her hips swayed as though she could barely stand still.

TUMNUS: For she had been drinking 900-proof rum before the story started.

Her breasts, larger than Elayne's,

BORIS: Thanks for telling us, Doivenya.
JULES: Min is a lot shorter than Elayne, though. How on earth does she walk?


were hardly a shade lighter than the rest of her body,

BOROMIR (groan): Oh, great Eru, now we’re going to have to hear about EVERY detail of her skin tone and body!

with small, dark-brown nipples that had already hardened.

JULES: Yeah, great, Doivenya. Now why don’t you tell us about her BELLYBUTTON and her NOSE HAIR while you’re at it?
TUMNUS: Well, look at it this way: this is how Robert Jordan really writes, except he describes clothes instead of naked bodies.


She stroked one between her thumb and forefinger,

BORIS (as Min): I always wanted a dog, but my parents wouldn’t buy me one, so I decided to pretend my nipples were pets.

while her other hand hung loose down by her crotch.

JULES: So loose, in fact, that it detached itself from her wrist and fell on the floor.

The cleft of her legs, too, seemed only a shade lighter, making tan lines virtually invisible.

BOROMIR: So Min sunbathes naked. What does that have to do with anything?! Why in the name of Iluvatar should we CARE?!

Her startlingly pink pussy lips

JULES: Right. She has shocking pink labia, Elayne has magenta labia, and Celebrian in that badfic had lavender labia. What is with the weirdly-colored genitalia in these lemons?
BORIS: I’m guessing it’s a disease of some sort.


were crowned by a small thatch of black hair; her legs stood slightly apart.

TUMNUS: I don’t know what’s with Doivenya’s obsession with pubic hair “crowning” labia, but it’s annoying me.

On Elayne's other side, Aviendha merely stood, also stark naked.

BORIS (slapping his forehead): You’re kidding me. So now we have to read a boring description of HER body as well?!
BOROMIR: Looks like it.
*groans*


An unreadable expression was on her face,

TUMNUS: She looked oddly disgusted and angry, though.

but through their sister-bond Elayne could feel the woman's excitement as her own.

BOROMIR: Sister…as her own...
JULES: Okay, that’s just plain WRONG.


Aviendha's fiery-red shock of hair framed her green eyes and darkly tanned skin; a dark red nearly all over,

TUMNUS: But Doivenya just said it was darkly tanned!

her private regions were separated by defined tan lines,

JULES: Ew; that’s weird.
BORIS: So her labia and clitoris are tanned, but the skin around them isn’t? That’s kinda…gross-looking.


and were a color nearly as pale as Elayne's.

*everyone makes snoring noises*


Her small, firm white breasts had puffy red nipples

JULES (Homestar Runner): I WIKE MARSHMAWOWS!

that seemed to beg to be sucked;

BOROMIR: Oh, and now Elayne suffers from an attack of severe schizophrenia.

her crotch was white and smooth and bare, no trace of pubic hair in evidence above her reddish cunt.

TUMNUS: So if her labia aren’t “crowned” with pubic hair, does that mean they’re socially inferior to Elayne’s and Min’s labia?
JULES (wince): Tumnus, Doivenya’s unhealthy obsession with labia is cringe-worthy enough; don’t let it get to you too.


Muscles ripples beneath her skin whenever she moved;

*Silence*
BOROMIR: Well, it could be worse; this is only the first grammatical error in three or four pages.


her long, dark legs were perfectly toned, and held her up straight, hands on hips.

BORIS (frustrated): Enough already, Doivenya! Legs USUALLY hold you up straight! You don’t need to tell us about it!

At her words, the two each took one of Elayne's shoulders and

BOROMIR: Wrenched them off, causing Elayne to scream in agony.
JULES (sigh): Ah, that’s beautiful…


led her to the bed, Rand following close behind.

*everyone pants like a dog*

She was lain down on the satin sheets,

TUMNUS: Satin sheets? This is DEFINITELY going to be erotic!

and Aviendha reached up to pull a pillow under her head,

BORIS (sigh): Aw, damn; I was hoping she’d pull it OVER her head.

letting her red-gold curls splay out so she could look up into Rand's face.

JULES (as Elayne): Wow, I never realized how ugly you were before. Look at that hairy mole; is there some small animal growing on your chin?

Reaching her, he grabbed her legs, parting them so that he could stand between;

TUMNUS: Rrrrrrrrip!
BOROMIR (as Elayne): OW! You just broke my knees, you great clumsy oaf!


he looked down at her, a question in his eyes.

BOROMIR (as Rand): How…how do I do this, again?

Min leaned down and whispered in her ear.

JULES & BORIS (creepy voice): Seven days!

"It only hurts for a moment," she said, "and then it really starts."

*laughter*
JULES: “It really starts”? It sounds like she’s talking about a car or a lawnmower.
TUMNUS: What does Min know about how much it hurts? Clearly she must have been lying about Rand being her first lover.


Aviendha smiled down at her encouragingly, nodding her head.

BORIS (as Aviendha): Yep, yep, I DEFINITELY agree with that…I’m SO excited to watch my best friend and my boyfriend having sex!

Her two friends each took one of her hands.

*Boromir growls in disgust*
JULES: Oh, for crying out loud, do you REALLY think they’d want to stay and watch it?!
*all exit the theater*



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(Wo)man on a Mission
Taking a deep breath, Elayne looked up at Rand and nodded.

JULES (as Elayne): All right, Rand, all right; I’ll get my hair cut for you, but you’d better not ask me to shave the hairs on my upper lip!

He leaned down over her, his hand taking her cheek for another kiss, this one gentler than before.

BORIS: Yeah, considering that it was on the CHEEK instead of on the LIPS this time.

Then, straightening up and trailing a hand down her body,

TUMNUS: What is with all the trailing going on?!
JULES: You’d think this was a trailer park!


he grabbed hold of his stiff rod

BOROMIR (as Elayne): Rand! Why on earth do you want to go fishing at a time like this?

and positioned it between her legs.

BORIS (army private): My position is a hard one, but it’s what the captain ordered…

She felt the tip of it rubbing, up and down her lips, teasing them open; then, looking into her eyes concernedly,

TUMNUS (as Rand): I just invented a word!

he pushed inside of her.

JULES: OUCH!
BOROMIR: And she was a virgin too? How considerate.


She bit her lip as the head of his cock passed her threshold,

BORIS: Damn bastard didn’t even wipe its feet on the Welcome mat.

feeling herself stretch out, but not in an unpleasant way;

JULES (sigh): No. If you’re a virgin, your first time is always gonna be painful. That’s a given.

her breathing and his quickened at the same time,

*applause*
BOROMIR: Synchronized breathing! Wonderful!


and he slid farther inside of her, slowly.

TUMNUS: He “slid”? When did he put on lubricant?

All at once, he stopped;

BORIS (as Rand): Oh, shit, I’ve come already!
JULES (Stiffler): He blew it. Literally.


they both felt why, his dick brushing up against her maidenhead.

TUMNUS: Oh, I thought perhaps it was all the disconnected sentence fragments floating around.

Suddenly impatient, she hooked her legs around his waist.

BOROMIR: Hmmm…is that why they’re called “hookers” in American English?
JULES: Probably not.


Before surprise even touched Rand's eyes, she flexed them,

TUMNUS: His eyes?!
BOROMIR: Oh, that MUST be painful; I feel sorry for Rand.


pulling him towards her and driving his rod past her barrier, as deep into her as it could go.

TUMNUS (bored voice): Two-and-a-half inches.

With a prick of pain,

*all groan*
JULES: Look, this thing sucks enough without the bad puns!


her vision faded, and she screamed, once, loudly.

BORIS (as Elayne): Oh, Light, I shouldn’t have done that! Having him break through my hymen so quickly…it’s just the latest example of how utterly stupid I am!

Her hands were freed quickly and then wrapped around Rand's neck, hugging him to her as her eyes scrunched tight from the pain.

JULES: Now, Elayne, I realize that losing your virginity is painful, but that’s no reason to strangle your boyfriend.
TUMNUS: If Arwen had only tried to strangle the orcs in “Violation of the Evenstar,” that fic might have been a little less painful.


Rand was holding her, too, stroking her face and hair, murmuring into her ear;

BOROMIR (as Rand): Hmmm…sugarplums and tiger lilies…la, la, la, I like lettuce…my hair is red, dum dee dum…

slowly, she came back, feeling the pain lessen some.

BORIS: Wait…when did she ever leave?!
JULES: I think we’re caught in a time warp or something.


He started to slide out of her, then,

TUMNUS (as Rand, stupidly): Duh, sorry…uh, did I break something?

and it seemed that the pain lessened more as he did, his cock leaving her and taking her virginity with it.

*Silence*
BOROMIR: Well, I suppose you can put it like that.
TUMNUS: Usually one describes the PERSON taking virginity, not the penis.


When it popped out of her,

JULES: Once you pop you can’t stop!

it was followed by a few drops of blood;

BOROMIR: Ouch.
JULES: Man, that wasn’t in the Pringles commercials.


with that, the pain faded, until it was nearly gone altogether.

JULES: Pity.
TUMNUS: What do you mean?
JULES: Well, hell, I’m not the only one who’d be happy to see Elayne tortured!


Eyes shining from tears, Elayne drew him back into her, and he entered, only part of the way this time.

BORIS: Actually, this IS pretty painful…painfully dull and slow!

It felt okay; more, it felt wonderful.

*everyone sneers*
BOROMIR: I’m sure Elayne uses the word “okay” all the time.


Suddenly even the memory of the pain seemed to leave her mind.

TUMNUS: Oddly, there was nothing left in her mind afterwards.

She only wanted to continue, to take from Rand what she wanted.

BORIS (as Rand): Look, I’ll buy you the sled if you ask for it, but you don’t need to throw yourself at me!
JULES (singing): Santa, baby…hurry down my chimney tonight…


She pulled him into her, and he thrusted,

TUMNUS: Er…no. There’s no such word.

beginning a slow, gentle rhythm

JULES (obnoxious voice on those talking metronomes): One! Two! Three! Four!

that had her gripping him as tightly as she could, high-pitched moans escaping her lips.

*everyone makes yapping noises*

Her thoughts became scattered, and she felt as though she was no longer in control of herself;

BORIS: Whoa; sounds like she’s been snorting angel dust, and we didn’t know it.

dimly, she heard herself saying into his ear, in a wanting, needing voice,

BORIS: “I LIKE PINEAPPLES!”
BOROMIR: “DAMN THE TORPEDOES!”
TUMNUS: “I’M A PINK UNICORN!”
JULES: “EAT PORK!”


"Burn me to bloody ash, Rand, stick that thing inside of me!"

BORIS: “Yeah, stick that gosh darn thing in me and ride me like a pony, you hot piece of man meat!”

"As you command, my Queen," he said, smiling,

BOROMIR: Oh, come now; that comment just emphasizes how out-of-character she is in this.
TUMNUS: I think that was the idea.


before he kissed her again, drowning her moans with his mouth.

BORIS (as Elayne): “Burn me to bloody ash, Rand, fuck me like a…mmmf…argh…mmmf…damn you, I wasn’t done talking!”

The pace quickened, and his cock slid in and out of her, in and out, farther every time.

JULES: I’d just like to point out here that if it really got farther into her EVERY TIME, it would be somewhere in her lungs by now.

She bucked her hips up into him,

BORIS (cowboy): Yeeeeeee-haw!
BOROMIR: Rodeos and sex: an unbeatable combination.


her hands moving down to squeeze his buttocks and pull them towards her.

TUMNUS (exasperated): Look, you can’t pull somebody’s body parts towards you. Rand tried it already with your breasts; you should know.

He kissed down her neck, and across her breasts, until he again had one of her nipples in his mouth, sucking as he thrust into her, one of his hands drifting down to push her ass cheeks apart.

JULES: Man, he is easily distractible, isn’t he?
BORIS: He can’t concentrate on ANY task he puts his mind to, not even sex.


Thrusting fast and hard, now, Rand seemed to abandon his restraint,

BOROMIR (as Rand): Hahaha! I remember how to do this now! This is excellent!

pushing his thick cock as deep into her as he could go.

JULES: So basically, judging by how it kept being “pushed farther and farther into her” in the previous paragraphs, that must mean it’s in her nose.

She could feel the head brushing up against her womb,

JULES: Or not.
TUMNUS: Well, just because he was PUSHING it farther and farther doesn’t necessarily mean it was GOING farther and farther.


and she spread her legs wider, trying to take even more of him.

JULES (sickened): And then again…
BORIS: I REALLY don’t think you want to do that, Elayne.


They were both moaning, grunting, crying out together, now;

JULES: “Wild, Passionate Sex”: a brand-new piece by John Cage.

Elayne felt herself on the verge of some unknowable chasm, about to plummet to Light knows what.

BOROMIR: So she’s fighting the Balrog in Moria now.
BORIS: Either that or she’s trying to bungee-jump into Death Valley.


Rand pushed her over the edge with a kiss,

TUMNUS (as Elayne, falling off a cliff): WHOAAAAAAA!
JULES (as Rand): Oh…sorry!


a kiss which stole her scream of passion

BOROMIR: And wouldn’t give it back, no matter how much Elayne paid.

as a wave of heat and pleasure raced from her filled, dripping pussy

ALL: Splash!

up to her head and back down all over her body.

BORIS: Dude, that ain’t no WAVE of heat and pleasure; that’s a tsunami!
JULES (amazed): Boy, if I could ever have an orgasm like that…


She writhed beneath him, muscles spasming

JULES (singing): Spam, spam, spam, spam; spam, spam, spam, spam…
TUMNUS: “Spasming”, Jules, not “spamming”.
JULES: Oh.


as she clutched him to her. Her pelvic muscles seemed to clamp down,

BOROMIR (deadpan): They fastened their octopus-like suckers around Rand’s penis and ate it.

and the pressure took Rand over the edge with her,

ALL: WHOAAAAAA!

pressing his cock in and in until it exploded.

BORIS: Doivenya, this is a little excessive, don’t you think?
JULES: In the best Japanese monster-movie tradition, the model of the Royal Palace of Andor immediately blows up, along with Rand’s penis.


She felt him twitch inside of her, and then warm liquid was flowing up into her, filling her and making her orgasm that much more fulfilling.

JULES (scowl): This chick gets orgasms like tsunamis, and I can’t even get a date.
*laughter*
JULES: Oh, shut up.


She was dimly aware that both of them could barely breathe

BORIS: Min and Aviendha, in a fit of rage and sexual frustration, had pumped carbon monoxide into the room.

because of how tightly they held each other;

TUMNUS: Oh, come now; this is just like the king in that children’s book who was afraid to put his daughter in a tent for fear she’d suffocate.

then, her mind seemed to simply turn off.

TUMNUS: AGAIN?
JULES: Look, Elayne; just KEEP your mind turned off; don’t hurt yourself.


She came back to herself

BOROMIR: This is what…the THIRD time she’s passed out in this thing?
BORIS: Sheesh, she’s even more pathetic than I thought, passing out from sex.
JULES: Nah, Min probably lent her some of that rum.


to find that they were still together, still kissing madly,

TUMNUS: Since Doivenya has neither the imagination nor the experience to think of something more interesting… (rolls his eyes)

with his dick, now softer, still inside of her.

BOROMIR: What is a “dick”? Oh, Doivenya meant his penis…I forgot.

They and the sheets around them were drenched in sweat, and yet she had never felt better in her life.

JULES (as Elayne): Ah, I just love rolling around in my own filth and smelling my B.O.!

Breaking the kiss, she smiled up at Rand, and he at her,

EVERYONE EXCEPT TUMNUS: NOOOO! “AN ELF’S LOVE”! NOOOOOOOOO!

with such love in his eyes that it made her want to weep.

BOROMIR: Yes, everybody, take it from Robert Jordan and Doivenya: love is the same thing as the afterglow of an orgasm. All that rubbish about trust, affection, and emotional comfort is just that: rubbish.

Loud moans drew them back to reality.

JULES: Robert Jordan had eaten too much fried chicken and grits and was suffering from agonizing heartburn.

They had, again, forgotten that they were not alone.

BORIS: Oh, Sauron…it’s gonna be a foursome, isn’t it?
TUMNUS: Hush! Maybe it won’t!


Rand rolled off of her, lying down beside her on the bed, and their gazes went to the side of the bed, where a high-backed, cushioned chair stood.

*everyone gasps*
BOROMIR: A CHAIR?! What an unexpected plot twist!
TUMNUS: And it was high-backed and cushioned as well!


Min sat in it,

ALL: Oh…GAH!

her eyes slits of cloudy brown watching them,

JULES: Wow, so Min’s eyes are like the Scioto River.

her mouth open as she moaned and purred.

BOROMIR (as Min, moaning): I’m turning into a cat…NOOOOOO!

Her bark-brown hair was sweat-filled and unkempt,

BORIS: How do you get sweaty, messy hair from WATCHING people have sex?!
TUMNUS: Ah, well, we all have our talents.


and her skin shone with moisture;

JULES: Seriously; this thing would be a perfect Neutrogena commercial. Just edit the sex out and put in an actual ad for the product, and it could be shown on TV anytime.

one of her hands cupped a breast, dark brown nipple being tweaked between thumb and forefinger.

BOROMIS (as Min): Bad nipple…BAD nipple! You still haven’t learned to run and fetch me my slippers!

Her other hand was tangled in Aviendha's hair,

BORIS (as Min): Say “uncle”.
TUMNUS (as Aviendha): Uncle…
BORIS (as Min): Louder!
TUMNUS (as Aviendha): UNCLE!


down at her crotch level between her widely spread legs.

*Silence*
JULES: Oh, Lord, no.


The Aiel woman was on hands and knees in front of Min,

BORIS (as Aviendha): Okay, your missing earring HAS to be around here somewhere…

her head buried in Min's cunt.

BORIS: D’oh!

Aviendha's pale ass was up in the air, swaying as she moved her body back and forth.

TUMNUS: I say; I didn’t know that if you filled a human rump with helium, it would float like a balloon.
BOROMIR (shaking his head): You have a lot to learn, Tumnus.


She had two fingers buried between her legs,

JULES (pirate): Yo-ho, me mateys! We sail to look fer me buried treasure, ye scallywags!

stroking her hairless pussy;

BOROMIR: A hairless cat must be a fearsome sight.

she made moans and slurping noises.

JULES: Okay, I can’t speak for female alien blobs, of course, but even the least experienced virgin can deduce that slurping does not turn female humans on.
TUMNUS: Ugh…this is what happens when four people who know NOTHING about sex get together to have sex…


When she moved far enough to one side, Elayne could see her tongue darting out,

BORIS: To catch some most delicious bugs.
JULES: Then she jumped in the pool, where it was nice and cool.


to flick at Min's clit or bury itself in Min's tight fuck-hole.

*Silence, then hysterical laughter*
JULES: Fuck-hole? FUCK-HOLE?
BOROMIR: Oh, that’s rich…
TUMNUS: And to think I actually WONDERED whether Doivenya was a woman or a man…


Elayne should have found it wrong, at the very least;

BORIS: No duh.

and yet, coming to terms with sharing the same man had made her much more amenable to change.

JULES (throwing up her hands in frustration): This is the same chick that blushes whenever she wears a low-cut dress in the books!
BORIS: Look, cool it; it was obvious from the beginning she was OOC.


She realized that there was a grin on her face,

BOROMIR: Honestly, I don’t think this is the right situation for “grinning”…a “grimace of disgust” might be more appropriate.

and she turned to find that Rand had one too, as well as a slowly returning hard-on.

TUMNUS (as Doivenya): I’m actually twelve, and I lied about my age…
JULES: At least he didn’t use the term “boner”.


He turned to her, and whispered in her ear. She giggled, nodding her head,

*Silence*
BORIS: Er, Elayne? It wasn’t that funny.


and they both sat up, pushing themselves to the edge of the bed.

TUMNUS (as Elayne): So do you REALLY think if we jump off the bed, we’ll be able to fly?
BOROMIR (as Rand): Why, certainly! We have magical powers, but brains the size of hazelnuts; why shouldn’t we be able to?


Rand eased himself off behind Aviendha, while Elayne rolled over to stand and walked around behind Min.

JULES (as Rand): Heh, heh, girls fucking, that’s so hot, heh, heh…
BORIS (as Elayne): Go get a room, you two…or at least a different room!


By the time Rand got down behind Aviendha, his erection had returned full-force;

TUMNUS (over-dramatically): It was back…and it was bigger, better, and fatter than ever!

he grabbed her ass, positioning herself,

BOROMIR: Oh, ugh…no anal, please…
JULES: Positioning HERSELF? Is Rand a hermaphrodite all of a sudden?


and she had time only to turn her head from eating Min's pussy

JULES: You know, Robert Jordan never told us that Aiel ate cats.
TUMNUS (shudder): “Pussy” is the worst possible euphemism to use for “vagina”. “Fuck-hole” doesn’t even come close.


and look at Rand in surprise before he buried his cock in her already dripping hole.

BORIS: Oh, yuck; Doivenya makes it sound like she’s got slime oozing out of her vagina!
JULES: Well, obviously Aviendha has never heard the saying: “Don’t be a slut; wash your butt”.


She moaned, low and guttural, as he drove himself to the hilt inside of her;

TUMNUS: The perverted version of “The Sword in the Stone.”

her head rested against Min's thigh as she gazed back at him, panting and sweaty-faced.

BORIS: Wait; so Rand is taking her from behind, so she’d have to be craning her neck to look behind her…sheesh; I can’t imagine what position she’s in now.

Her eyes met with Rand's, and they locked together,

BOROMIR (as Rand & Aviendha): Neughhhh…eyes…stuck…oooooof…

Rand pounding his cock into her without mercy

TUMNUS: Why does it have to sound so much like rape?

and Aviendha taking it and urging him on with her eyes.

JULES (in shock): Seriously? She’s only had sex once, and that was about a year or two ago!
BORIS: Ye gods, what a whore.


Min, left hanging, didn't notice Elayne behind her.

BOROMIR: Until she CHOPPED OFF HER HEAD WITH AN AXE! HA HA!

She only reached down and turned Aviendha's head back towards her sopping pussy,

*everyone gags*
TUMNUS (glare): Oh, “sopping,” as in a washcloth. Excellent word choice, Doivenya.
BORIS: Yeah; way to use what is probably the least erotic word available for such a situation.


pulling the Aiel woman's face into it. As Rand pumped into Aviendha from behind,

JULES (as Aviendha): Rand, will you get this bicycle pump out of my ass already?!

he drove her whole body forward, her face burying itself in Min's cunt as she resumed licking and sucking.

ALL: UGHHHHHHHHH!
TUMNUS: How in Narnia did Aviendha’s head FIT in there?!
BORIS: Min is clearly an even looser slut than we guessed.


Min arched her neck backwards,

BOROMIR: Min the contortionist giraffe.

staring at the ceiling and crying out in pleasure;

BORIS (as Min): There’s KETCHUP on the ceiling! Yay!

Elayne chose that moment to bend over her from behind.

JULES: Oh, God, please don’t say Elayne is going to spank her…
TUMNUS (shiver): The fact that it would be canonical if it happened makes it worse.


Min's eyes flashed with surprise

BORIS: Yes, everyone else is getting naked in this fic, so why not Min’s eyes?

as Elayne pulled her head in for an open-mouthed kiss,

BOROMIR (as Min): No, no, stop it! Oh, urgh, you’re slobbering on my face!

but soon they closed as she and Elayne's tongues met and dance together.

BORIS: Hey, that should be a circus act: Min’s and Elayne’s amazing, spectacular dancing tongues!
BOROMIR (sickened): Remember: there’s an actual circus in “Wheel of Time”. Please don’t give Robert Jordan’s successor any ideas.


Elayne's hands caressed Min's neck,

JULES: Oh, my, her NECK? That’s real hot stuff right there.

one reaching down to massage the Baerlon woman's full breasts together.

TUMNUS (bored voice): And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and then one at a time, and then up and down, and then…

Both Min and Aviendha were now almost constantly crying out;

BORIS: “GET US OUT OF THIS GODDAMN SICK FIC! THIS IS DISGUSTING!”

shifting in the chair a bit, Min hunched down so she could pull Elayne closer to her.

JULES: Why don’t you just get out of the chair, you lazy-ass douche?! It’d be a hell of a lot easier than twisting around into weird positions!

Elayne shifted around the chair, leaning in over the armrest to embrace her friend

TUMNUS (wince): They’re making this so much harder than it would normally be.
BORIS: Well, think about it: with the rediscovery of Traveling, they don’t get much exercise any more. They’ve gotta have SOME way to get rid of those thunder thighs and buffalo butts.


as they kissed passionately, their breasts rubbing against each others'.

JULES: Throughout the series, the thought of Elayne being bisexual never crossed my mind. I mean, come on; she’s shared numerous tents, inn rooms, and beds with Nynaeve and never once thought about having sex with her.
BOROMIR: Yes, but who would want to have sex with Nynaeve?
JULES: Hmmm…well, you’re right about that. But she hasn’t thought about having sex with Egwene or Aviendha either.
BOROMIR: All right, true.


Suddenly, Aviendha arched up and away

TUMNUS (over-excited): She’s floating up into the air!

from Min's bright pink pussy,

JULES: It IS shocking pink!
BORIS: That’s creepy.


uttering that low moan again and again. She pressed herself up against Rand's chest, leaning back over his shoulder

BOROMIR: What, did she roll over and we didn’t know it?! WHY IS SHE IN THESE IMPOSSIBLE POSITIONS?!

as he bent down to kiss her neck, their hips moving together, his cock still pistoning in and out of her from behind.

BORIS: Oh, he IS still taking her from behind. Thanks for making that clear.
JULES: Then how the hell could she lean back over his shoulder?!


Her arm hooked around his neck as she came with a prolonged groan,

TUMNUS: Of course she was straining it so far that she twisted it out of shape.

tightening its grip to keep them together just a moment longer.

BOROMIR: Er…you could just tell Rand to hold you, Aviendha; you don’t have to choke him or break your arm.

Then, with a catlike expression of satisfaction on her face,

ALL: Meow?

she let herself fall to the ground, shuddering all over.

JULES: Yes, orgasms always made her feel cold, not to mention so…empty.

Rand followed her, leaning over her to engage her in a long, passionate kiss

TUMNUS: And we have yet ANOTHER “passionate” kiss. How many has that been now?
BOROMIR: Five. I’ve been counting.


as his dick slid out of her, covered with her juices.

BORIS (rolling his eyes): No, covered with peanut butter and ketchup.

Then, Aviendha batted him away playfully.

JULES (baseball announcer): And…it’s a home run!

He laughed, and got up off of her, crossing over to Min.

BORIS (as Rand): Hee, hee; I’m gonna have sex with all three of my ‘ho’s in one night, and then I’ll know I’m a real man!

Elayne and Min broke their kiss as Rand grabbed Min by her spread legs, and lifted her up out of the chair.

TUMNUS: And then he lifted her over his head, swung her around and around in the air, and hurled her forty feet through the nearest window. Who would have thought that the “de-gnoming” techniques in “Harry Potter” worked well with people too?

Thinking to see to her first-sister, Elayne got down on her hands and knees to give her a shake.

JULES (as Aviendha): Hey, thanks! Get me a chocolate one! And a burger and fries!
BORIS: Cute.


Aviendha, though, pulled her in close for a kiss, a hand grabbing Elayne's head through her hair.

BOROMIR: There’s the sixth. That’s SIX “passionate” kisses given so far in this scene.

Aviendha's kiss was different than Min's;

BORIS: But it was EVERY BIT as passionate.

the Aiel woman's tongue was almost as dominating as Rand's,

BOROMIR: Makes it sound like she was a frog. Or an anteater.

invading her mouth and bringing with it the taste of Min's pussy.

JULES: Yeah, because every lesbian loves to kiss a woman who just ate out another woman. Sure.

Thinking to one-up her,

BORIS: “One-up”? What, is this a video game all of a sudden?

Elayne reached down her body to start fingering Aviendha's clit, rubbing the little nub gently.

TUMNUS: Ah, this is the part of “first-sister” bonding that Jordan didn’t tell us about.
JULES: Yeah, they must have done this at the first-sister ceremony in the prologue of “Winter’s Heart”…and then Mazrim Taim happened to pass by on his way to the privy and joined in…man, if that happened, I’d be so jealous of Elayne and Aviendha…(drools)
BORIS (shaking his head): I’m beginning to see why Jules continued skimming through the books even after she lost patience with them.


Surprised, Aviendha sat up, so that she could do the same for Elayne.

BOROMIR: Oh, that was very kind of her.
TUMNUS: Yes, you can tell she’s a devoted friend.


They kneeled together, kissing and fingering each other, until they became aware of movement nearby.

BORIS (grin): Wouldn’t it be funny if it was Lanfear walking in on them?
JULES: PAIN, LEWS THERIN! PAIN!


Less than a foot away was Min's olive-colored ass,

TUMNUS (as Elayne and Aviendha): Argh! It’s come off her body!
JULES: Ew.


shining with sweat, bouncing up and down furiously.

BORIS: What the…she’s got an ass made out of Flubber?
BOROMIR: As the story goes on, the images in my head grow more and more unpleasant.


Her legs were far apart, her thighs being held by Rand

TUMNUS: And…now she’s a zombie.
JULES: Who knew.


as she bounced on his cock.

JULES (as Doivenya): Hey, I’ve got an idea! How about I add some necrophilia to all the incest and lesbianism and voyeurism in this story!

Rand was standing, holding her in the air and looking into her eyes, panting;

BORIS: “Cats and Dogs”: the “Adults Only” version. A fanfic chock-full of pussies and panting.

she stared right back at him, her arms held tightly around his neck,

BOROMIR: And her right ear lying on the floor and her left foot halfway across the room, and her rotting undead flesh peeling off her in strips.
JULES (groan): That’s lovely.


moaning out a constant string of obscenities.

BORIS (cartoon Rasputin): “Ohhhhh….I am falling APART…”

"Light, Rand, fuck me with that rod, you bloody shepherd, fuck me until you burst, blood and ashes, that feels good, yeah, you spavined goat, you keep that cock inside of me ..."

JULES (laughing): Whoa; language, Min!
TUMNUS (shaking his head): I would suggest washing her mouth out with soap, but the mere hint of soap might give Doivenya more nasty ideas.
*all exit the theater*

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(Wo)man on a Mission
Sharing identical grins, Elayne and Aviendha moved over, on either side of Min's round ass.

BOROMIR: Well, thank you for reassuring us that it wasn’t triangular.

They leaned their heads underneath the girl's pussy, to Rand's crotch,

JULES: Now, girls, Rand’s penis is kind of busy right now. You’ll have to wait your turn.

and simultaneously darted their tongues out, licking his balls.

TUMNUS (as Frog!Elayne): Hey, I caught a fly!
BORIS (as Frog!Aviendha): I got a mosquito!


From the surprised grunt that came from above,

BOROMIR: Pigs really WERE flying.
JULES: Nah, I always said Jordan would finish the series and actually write about a good female character when pigs flew, and none of that happened when Doivenya wrote this.


Rand had noticed; he picked up the pace, slamming Min down on his firm dick harder and harder.

JULES: OW!
BORIS: He’s describing it like rape again.


Hesitating a moment, Elayne licked again,

TUMNUS (as Elayne): Hmmm…to lick or not to lick; that is the question…

and then moved forward to suck the ball into her mouth.

*Jules and Boris make vacuum-cleaner noises*
BOROMIR (as Rand): Owwwwww!


Aviendha did the same from the other side;

BORIS (laughing): Wow, it’s like being castrated by a flesh-sucking alien.

they licked and sucked his balls together, coming near to kissing each other through his sack.

JULES: Oh, brother…
TUMNUS: What a stupid-looking scene THAT must be.


Aviendha leaned into it with gusto, and Elayne let her;

JULES (disappointed): Damn; I was hoping she’d bite Aviendha’s lips off.
BOROMIR: Violent today, aren’t we?
JULES: Damn straight!


the redheaded Aiel took both of Rand's balls into her mouth

BORIS (as Aviendha): Mmmm…yum, yum, yum…oh, boy…mm-mm…

as Elayne leaned back, behind Min's ass. No longer bouncing,

BOROMIR: It was spinning instead, so fast that Elayne became seasick just from looking at it.

it was being held stationary in Rand's strong arms

JULES (steamed): Good God, what is this, X-rated high-school physics?! We don’t CARE about the tectonics of somebody’s ass!

as he pounded into her, her moans climbing in pitch

TUMNUS: Unknown to Elayne, Min was a soprano in the world-famous Baerlon Moaning Choir.

until they were insensible little shrieks.

BOROMIR (laughing): Like a parrot?
BORIS (as Min): Eep! Eep! Eep!


The Daughter-heir waited a moment, and then without thinking pushed her tongue into Min's ass,

TUMNUS: Urgh…
JULES: Doivenya, I think it’s pretty damn obvious she wasn’t thinking.


licking up and down the woman's crack.

BORIS: Fortunately for Elayne, Min hadn’t crapped in over a month.

She went from the top all the way down,

JULES: Are these people always so anal-retentive when they have sex?
*loud groans*
JULES: What…oh. Sorry about the pun.


to where Rand's cock glided quickly in and out of Min's dripping pussy.

*sigh*
TUMNUS: Thank you, Doivenya; we understand you’re boring and immature.


Licking the edge of that, she moved back up, more slowly, until she found the tiny puckering asshole.

BORIS (as Elayne, sniffing): Yuck, it smells like shit in there! I wonder why.

She teased it with her tongue for a moment, and then dipped it inside.

BOROMIR: Oh, my Eru…
TUMNUS: DISGUSTING!
JULES: Seriously; wouldn’t the horrible taste discourage her?!


Above her, Min gave a squeal of pure pleasure

BOROMIR: Oh, the pigs again! See, Jules?

as she came hard, her juices flowing down Rand's cock, soaking it.

BORIS: Um, yeah, he’s inside of her and he’s not wearing a condom, so I strongly suspect that would happen, Captain Obvious.

They dribbled down onto his balls, and from the surprised grunt Aviendha made,

TUMNUS: Surprised grunt, surprised grunt! How many times has Doivenya used that phrase by now?!
JULES: When his Muse is busy, he just goes and falls back on surprised grunting. It works, after all.


they made their way into her mouth.

BOROMIR: Tripping over her teeth, and slipping and falling all over her tongue.

She seemed not to mind, though,

BORIS (deadpan): From the surprised grunt she made.

sucking Min's cum from Rand's crotch with no protest.

TUMNUS (as Aviendha): Yum; tastes like treacle!

All of a sudden, Rand pulled out of Min and set her down on the floor;

JULES (as Rand): Argh! I just had sex with a cross-dressing whore!! Yuck, what was I thinking, sleeping with her all these months?!

his face said that he was close, very close.

BORIS: Rand was close. I could smell him from here.

Min collapsed with a tired grin on her face,

TUMNUS (as Min): I’m…haaaapppppyyyyyy…*splat*

and Elayne moved back in to Rand's glistening cock.

JULES (amazed): He’s STILL erect?! How is that possible?! He just brought two girls off and had increased stimulation from the ball-licking…seriously; how much Viagra did he TAKE?!!
BORIS (slapping his forehead): Good Sauron, Doivenya is such a virgin.


Aviendha still licked his balls and the base of the shaft,

TUMNUS: And STILL nothing happened!
BORIS: Maybe permanent erections come from channeling the One Power.


and so Elayne's tongue flicked around his head and down the sides.

JULES (scowl): Okay, this has just gotten degrading. Elayne and Aviendha are down on the floor servicing Rand, but Rand’s not doing ANYTHING for them in return. Yes, Robert Jordan, you sexist redneck, I can tell he really loves Elayne and Aviendha, all right. Unscrupulous whores.

She could taste Min's strong girlcum;

BORIS: You know, this would be a hell of a lot more erotic without words like “girlcum” and “pussy”.
BOROMIR: No, actually it wouldn’t be.
BORIS: I know; it’s just wishful thinking.


it was honey-sweet with a husky undertone and not unpleasant at all.

BOROMIR (confused): So Min has Turkish coffee leaking out of her vagina.

As she and Aviendha licked all up and down his penis,

*everyone stares at the screen in shock*
TUMNUS: I must be seeing things; I could have sworn that Doivenya typed the word “penis”.
JULES: You’re not seeing things; I saw it as well.
BOROMIR: I wouldn’t have thought he even knew that word.


Rand grabbed both their heads, running his fingers through their hair.

BORIS (as Elayne): Oh, thanks Rand, but touching my hair doesn’t give me an orgasm!

Suddenly, Min was back up,

ALL: AHHHHHHHH!...oh.

and as Elayne moved down to Rand's balls again, the Baerlon woman's grinning mouth parted

JULES: Okay, seriously; WHY does he keep describing Min’s body parts like they have minds of their own? It’s just plain creepy.

to take Rand's cockhead between her lips.

*Boromir makes chomping sounds*
TUMNUS (as Rand): Owwwwww!


Elayne, licking the side of Rand's shaft, could only stare in awe as Min got one, two, then six inches of the hard dick down her throat.

JULES: SLUT!
BOROMIR: If Elayne is “awed” by this and not just merely disturbed, she has a serious problem.


More than halfway down the shaft, Min kept on going, until

TUMNUS (hopefully): It suddenly stabbed through the back of her neck, causing her to drop dead.

she'd taken all of it into her mouth, making sucking sounds and moans deep in her throat.

BORIS: Thank Sauron she’d inherited that elastic, two-foot-long esophagus from her mother, eh?
JULES: Maybe she had her throat surgically removed and replaced with a tube sock.


She was taking it just as far in her mouth as she had up her cunt.

*Tumnus looks sickened*
BORIS: Now, see here, this is just more proof that Robert Jordan should have ADMITTED that Min was a whore. All that bullshit about her “serving in inn common rooms” and “working in the stables”…how old does he think his readers are, ten?
JULES: Yeah. I mean, come on; sex is the one thing Min is good at. She has terrible aim with those knives she carries around, she’s cowardly, since she started mooning over Rand her brains seem to have fallen out, she’s pathetically helpless, and have we mentioned that she’s a SHAMELESS SLUT?
BOROMIR: Min is even worse than Elayne in some ways. At least Elayne doesn’t cling to Rand like some useless leech.


Rand moaned and hunched over, his eyes crinkling with lust.

*Pause*
BOROMIR: Eyes crinkle with laughter and perhaps even tears, but not lust.


Min bounced her head up and down,

JULES (singing): Ba ba ba ba ba…the joy of Pepsi…

her boyishly short hair swaying furiously,

BORIS: Like trees in a hurricane, eh?
BOROMIR: Er…I don’t think so.


as she alternated between short and long swallows of his rod;

TUMNUS (as Min): Long swallow…short swallow…long swallow…short swallow…short swallow…oh, no, now I have to start all over again!

Elayne and Aviendha licked and sucked his balls furiously, almost fighting over them.

JULES (shaking her head): This is truly a sign of the imminent collapse of human civilization.
BOROMIR (disgustedly): If these are the saviors of the world, I should think the world wouldn’t WANT to be saved.


He thrust his hips to and fro,

TUMNUS: Smacking the girls in the forehead every time.
OTHERS (as girls): OWWWWWWW!


and they all felt him twitch once

BOROMIR (gasp): Quick, do something! Rand’s having a seizure!

before he pulled away from all three of them.

JULES (as Rand): AHHHHH, NOO! Get away from me, don’t touch me, ewwwwwww!

Mouths still open to suck and lick, they turned towards him as he came strongly, ropes of cum spurting out of his cock

BORIS: Blech, the semen showers again! Worst moment of the entire fic; thanks, Doivenya!
JULES: Rand, if it comes out in ROPES, you badly need medical attention. Seriously.


to land on their faces, in their mouths, dribbling down their chins.

TUMNUS (grin): Ah, well, at least the ending is a bit comical… “Urgh, Rand! We need to take baths now!”
JULES: It’s only funny in a sort of pie-in-the-face fashion, if you know what I mean.


With a groan, he fell back onto the bed, his dick finally going limp.

ALL: Well, about time!

Elayne swallowed the cum that went into her mouth greedily,

BOROMIR (pure disgust): Oh, Elayne!
JULES (exasperated): SEMEN DOES NOT TASTE GOOD. No matter how many times you end up swallowing it, you can’t develop a taste for it, for God’s sake.


and saw that Min was leaning over to lick it off of Aviendha's face and neck.

ALL: URRRGHHHHH!
BORIS: Okay, scratch that about Rand’s over-dramatic orgasm: THIS has to be the worst moment in the entire fic.
TUMNUS: Look here, Elayne, Aviendha, and Min are horrible characters, but not even THEY deserve this treatment!


Grinning, she leaned over to do the same for the Baerlon woman,

ALL: ARRRGHHHHHHH!
BOROMIR: What are they, dogs?!
JULES: This is just sick; I’m gonna need a chemical shower after this is done.


just as Aviendha leaned forwards to do hers.

*Jules and Tumnus throw up. Boris and Boromir retch loudly*

They could all feel their energy sapping,

BORIS: Yeah, and speaking of sapping, I’d just like to sap that little sap Doivenya in the ass!
TUMNUS: What are you talking about?
BORIS: I don’t know.


and by the time the cum was all gone, they had collapsed in each others' arms.

BOROMIR: Later on, they would become famous as the first three women to ever die of semen poisoning.

Elayne felt herself drifting down, into sleep;

JULES: I’m not surprised; licking semen off another person’s face is known to be quite physically demanding.

she was groggily unsurprised when she felt the three of them being lifted.

BORIS: What the…did someone hook them up to a tower crane or something?

Rand, she thought.

BORIS: Oh.
JULES: So explain to me again how the girls each have one measly orgasm and fall asleep, while Rand can get an erection two minutes after an orgasm, fuck two girls and get oral sex before he finally has another orgasm, and in the end, STILL HAVE ENERGY TO LIFT UP ALL THREE GIRLS?!


Her last memory was of looking down into his face,

BOROMIR: And realizing that he was laughing evilly…just before he stabbed the blade into her heart.
BORIS: Zing!


and seeing it open and smooth,

TUMNUS (triumphantly): No more acne on HER lover’s face!

looking up at all three of them floating above him

*everyone does a double-take*
BOROMIR: Excuse me?
JULES: What the…is this the One Power or just more of Doivenya’s weirdness?


with love and satisfaction in his eyes.

BORIS: And green, disgusting snot in his nose, and tufts of red hair in his ears.

Then she closed her eyes as she felt herself settle into the bed, and drifted off.

TUMNUS: THAT was supposed to be erotic?
BORIS: This Doivenya BADLY needs to get laid.
BOROMIR: Eru help us all.


When Elayne woke the next morning, the bedchamber was icy,

JULES: Boy, that sex-powered heating system was pretty much the worst new addition to the palace ever.

a light snow was falling on Caemlyn, and Rand was gone.

BOROMIR (bored voice): And things were angsty, and Elayne was crying and whining like a Mary Sue with a broken nail.

Except inside her head. That would do.

BORIS (scowl): I’ll say. I’m never gonna get that sex scene OUT of my head.

She Smiled, a slow smile.

TUMNUS (as Elayne): Oof…my facial muscles are stretched out of shape from giving Rand oral sex…

For now, it would. Min and Aviendha were nowhere to be seen as well.

BOROMIR (irritably): Could you be ANY lazier about changing the line in the book to suit your fic?
JULES: Without even the courtesy to use decent grammar?


Stretching languorously beneath the blankets, she remembered her abandon the night before…

BORIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah…
JULES: Hey, this fic ends here? Man, I wanted to see what Rand left Elayne instead of a golden flower…probably would’ve been a dried-out condom…
BOROMIR (in horror): Are you joking, Jules?
JULES (rolling her eyes): Of course.
*all exit the theater*

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