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| A Different Dance: the MST; Doivenya's bad Wheel of Time sex: Part 2 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 14 2008, 05:15 PM (461 Views) | |
| jules14 | Dec 14 2008, 05:15 PM Post #1 |
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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Disclaimer: Morgoth, Uruk-hai, Nazgul, Boromir, and everything else that has anything to do with Tolkien’s world belongs to the Tolkien Estates, and some belongs to New Line Cinema. Tumnus the faun and Narnia belong to C.S. Lewis and to the Disney Company. Boris the Nazgul belongs to Araiona Dubois. Chesterfield and Jules belong to me. Luna Lovegood belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, and Semirhage and the Wheel of Time series belong to the late Robert Jordan. MST3K belongs to Best Brains Inc. This story belongs to Doivenya and was taken from adultfanfiction.net. THEME SONG: In the not-too-distant future In a place untouched by man, The evil dark lord Morgoth Continued his evil plan. He’d kept the girl by the name of Jules: His very first victim and one of the fools Whom he’d sent to the Void for a bit of fun. Now she’d have to suffer agony until her life was done. JULES: It sucks, to tell you the truth. I’ll send her awful fanfics (ooh ooh!) The worst I can find! (la la la!) She’ll have to sit and read them all And I’ll monitor her mind (la la la!) Remember Jules still can’t control When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!) She’ll have to keep her sanity With the help of all her friends! DAILY ROLL CALL! LUNA! (IT WAS THE NARGLES!) BOROMIR! (BLOODY RING!) BORIS! (ME AGAIN!) CHESTERFIELD! (SUES TASTE GOOD!) TUMNUS! (WHY AM I STILL HERE?!) JUUUUUUUUUUUULES! (THAT’S ONE “U”!) If you wonder how this went on so long And other useless facts (la la la!) Just repeat to yourself it’s all a joke You should really just relax– MORGOTH: Did I tell you Semirhage is here? For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000! "Morgoth, why are you still keeping me up here?" Tumnus asked. "I mean, now that you have four people up here, you don't need..." "The more people I can destroy, the better," Morgoth explained. "In any case, I'm enjoying myself too much to let you go now." "Ah, I might have guessed," grumbled Tumnus. Morgoth's honesty was not much better than his deceit. "In any case," Morgoth continued, "it is Semirhage's turn to choose a fic, and so..." He was shoved rather rudely aside by Semirhage, who said, "It's another fic by our good friend Doivenya, and, well..." She shoved the fic into the materializer. The lights flashed wildly. Though Jules and company were still tired from the last fic, they still found the energy to yell, "We've got fanfic sign!" as they headed for the theater. Disclaimer: I do not own the book(s) that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. JULES (rolling her eyes): Doivenya, if you owned them, they would be nothing but sex-crazed robots in heat. BORIS: Wait a minute...robots can't get in heat. JULES: Shut up. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. TUMNUS: You could actually make a fortune if you crumpled it up and sold it as fire fuel. *** JULES: Hey, it's a three-star hotel. Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction, not intended to reflect any real people or places in any way. BOROMIR: Well, obviously; it's not as if the characters from "Wheel of Time" are real! SEMIRHAGE: Ahem. BOROMIR (sigh): Except you. SEMIRHAGE: Much better. It is also a work written solely for the enjoyment of myself and others over the age of 18; BORIS: Oh, who is he kidding? Doivenya is not over the age of eighteen. If he was, he wouldn't use words like "hard-on" and "pussy lips" in his lemons. it is written with no intent to use the characters created by Robert Jordan in a manner that infringes upon their copyrights. TUMNUS: What is the point of us having to read this again? JULES: Yeah, he could just type "See Winter's Thaw for disclaimer" or something. This work does not pretend to be anything more than what it is, a totally non-canon, BORIS: Well, in Doivenya's defense, most of the canon pairings in "Wheel of Time" ARE either boring or disgusting. BOROMIR: But he could just be making the canon romances even more repulsive, as he did last time. non-profit reimagining of a certain scene in Mr. Jordan's book. JULES (gulp): This scene had better not be the one with Thom Merrillin and that underage mistress of his in the second book...or the one with Mat and Melindhra...or the kissing scene between Egwene and Gawyn... With that said, enjoy. BORIS: Oh, quit saying that! It's not gonna make it happen! *** JULES (singing): Stars...in your multitude...scarce to be counted...filling the darkness...with order and light... The brush resumed motion, and a smile briefly touched Moiraine’s lips. JULES: Oh, it's Moiraine. Well, at least Doivenya can't mess her up...can he? BOROMIR (as Moiraine): As an Aes Sedai, I hardly ever have a chance to just relax and brush my hair. I should take a holiday and spend time worrying about my looks. Forget saving the world. “You sometimes forget, Perrin, that you are a good-looking young man. TUMNUS: "By 'good-looking,' I mean compared to a sick Marsh-wiggle, of course..." Some girls admire a pair of shoulders.” BORIS: "Only if they're totally insane, of course. Most normal girls admire the chest and the groin area." He grunted and shuffled his feet. JULES: Ha, ha, that is a CLASSIC Perrin-ism! “Was there something else, Perrin?” BOROMIR (as Perrin): Yes; I'm stupid as a pile of rocks. Do you think you could do something about that? “Uh …” TUMNUS: "What's two plus two?" BORIS: "How do you spell 'chair'?" He could not get the sight of her out of his head. Light, he thought, she’s bloody Aes Sedai! Even Mat wouldn’t try this! JULES: Yeah, because Mat actually has half a brain! But what Perrin found himself doing, instead of shuffling out red-cheeked as he normally would have, BOROMIR: He failed to notice Moiraine's saddlebags lying on the floor near the door and tripped over them. He FELL out red-cheeked instead of SHUFFLING out. There's a big difference. was pushing the door shut behind him. JULES (Andy and Randy Pig): "Help! I can't find the get-out thingy!" TUMNUS (as Moiraine): You just CLOSED it, you idiot! Turning back to face her, he saw that she had arched one of her eyebrows at him; that brief smile was gone. JULES (shudder): Oh, the arching eyebrow...that's ominous. BORIS (shaking his head): If Moiraine starts sniffing and glaring, there's definitely going to be trouble. “I … uh …” BORIS: "Uh...er...eh...meh..." BOROMIR: Why has Moiraine not shoved him out the door by now? He had never been good at this. JULES: Really? There has to be some reason his wife Faile stays with him, and it's definitely not his looks or his superior...*cough*...intelligence. TUMNUS: I was always under the impression that Faile stayed with him because she was insane. JULES: Good point. Acting on the spur of the moment wasn’t his strength; he liked to think things through first, not plunge in headlong. BOROMIR (frustrated): Thank you, Doivenya. As if Robert Jordan doesn't beat us over the head with that fact in EVERY ONE OF HIS BOOKS! JULES: Of course, whenever Perrin tried to think things through, he always forgot what he was thinking about five minutes later. But hey; at least his life was pretty relaxing that way. That was Mat’s way. But Mat’s way works, much of the time … TUMNUS: And nearly gets him killed much of the time as well, but that's a minor concern. Taking a deep breath, he met her eyes and gave her his best, if a bit tremulous, grin. BORIS (as Moiraine): Oh, Perrin, yuck! Get that cabbage out of your teeth this instant! JULES (as Perrin): Say, Moiraine Sedai, I bet you didn't know I could balance a hammer on my penis, did you? Wait...what's the matter? Oh. I guess I shouldn't have said that... “Would you like to go down and dance?” BOROMIR (as Moiraine): No, thanks; I would rather stick my head in a used chamber pot. Her other eyebrow shot up, BORIS: Geez; not even Hugo Weaving has such great control over his eyebrows! and Perrin had the dubious honor of seeing her perpetually unruffled features turn surprised. TUMNUS (as Moiraine): Why, Perrin, I never would have expected this from you. It's so... BORIS (as Perrin): Dashing? Seductive? Bold? TUMNUS (as Moiraine): Coherent. BORIS (as Perrin): D'oh! Then her face smoothed again, all calm and cool again; JULES (singing): She won't get fooled again... he thought he saw the beginning of another smile on her lips, though. TUMNUS (as Moiraine): Oh, that stupid, ignorant village boy...he's quite endearing at times, though... She shook her head, slowly, from side to side, making tsk noises. “Perrin, Perrin, Perrin,” she said in an exasperated tone, BOROMIR: "You never learn, do you? I knew I should have left you on that mountain, you fool." but her scent told him that she was amused, and … TUMNUS: Contemptuous, or irritated. Either works for me. intrigued? JULES: Well, how the hell should WE know?! Was that good, or bad? He knew this was a bad idea. BORIS (deliberately): So the sensible thing to do would be to GET OUT OF THERE. Right now. TUMNUS: See, Doivenya, if even Perrin knows this is a bad idea, it's best to give it up. Keeping her arms crossed so that the pale blue robe stayed closed around her, *Pause* BOROMIR: Please do, Moiraine. JULES: I don't think even the least picky prostitute would expose herself in front of this guy. Moiraine stepped to the room’s mirror, watching him in it as she continued brushing her hair out. The woman in the common room had been pretty, but unknown; he did not see how he had failed to look at Moiraine this way before. JULES: Okay, Doivenya, I think you're forgetting something. At this point, it's necessary to the story for Perrin to free Gaul, because otherwise, he never meets Faile, and the whole rest of the book falls apart. Therefore, he CANNOT have sex with Moiraine at this point. *everyone stares at Jules* JULES: What?! This was one of the only decent books in the whole series; Moiraine was one of the only decent female characters! You can't expect me to take this calmly! BOROMIR: Jules, NEVER mention Perrin having sex with Moiraine again. Burn me for a Light-blinded fool, because she’s Aes Sedai! BORIS: Ah, thank you, Perrin. Despite Jordan drumming it into our heads every few pages, we would never have remembered that Moiraine was Aes Sedai. She isn’t some village woman I can ask to dance and no one will think twice of it. TUMNUS: Perrin, don't you have more important things to worry about at this point? Such as, oh, the Dark Lord hunting you and your companions? The woman’s dark chestnut hair, JULES (puzzled): I thought Moiraine's hair was black, not dark-red. BOROMIR (indignantly): You never complained when I was being portrayed in fanfiction with strawberry-blond hair. JULES: So I'm a Sean Bean fan. So what? BOROMIR (confused): What has he to do with me? JULES: Never mind. now hanging free over her shoulders instead of arranged into her normal soft ringlets, BORIS: There's a big difference. swayed as her brush ran through it. “I do not think I am … dressed for dancing, right now, Perrin. Perhaps later.” BOROMIR: "Now, be a good boy and go fetch me some dinner." Her dark eyes glittered at him in the mirror; a man could drown in big eyes like that. JULES: Although I have heard that wearing an oxygen tank greatly reduces the chance of that happening. He expected some gesture of dismissal, as the Aes Sedai normally gave him; BORIS: A finger in her nose, and a clout on his head with a frying pan. instead, she beckoned to a chair on the other side of the room. “Sit down.” JULES: "Now as a punishment, you're going to have to watch 'Titanic' in a continuous loop." Starting, he came back to himself and walked to the chair, easing himself into it as she continued brushing. BOROMIR (as Perrin): Now, if I remember correctly, once I reach the chair, I bend my knees very slowly, like this...and lower my bum into the seat...ah; now I have it! Silence stretched, long and uncomfortable; he realized that the room’s flickering lamplight was behind her, now. *Jules glances at an imaginary watch. Tumnus yawns* BORIS: Long, uncomfortable, and did we mention boring? BOROMIR: But at least we know that the lamplight is BEHIND Moiraine now instead of IN FRONT of her. As her arm worked the brush through her hair, her body flowed minutely, JULES: Wha...how does your whole body move if you brush your hair? Is she shaking her breasts in time with each stroke or something? and suddenly he could see her outline beneath the sheer robe, faint but definite. BORIS: Cue the porn music...now. TUMNUS (puzzled): How can something be faint and definite at the same time? Her curves were tantalizingly indistinct, JULES: Uh-huh. BORIS: Yeah, whatever, Perrin. but when he found himself staring at her, hoping for a better glimpse, BOROMIR: Are we sure this is Perrin here? I thought that out of the three boys, Mat was the sex-crazed voyeur. he swallowed hastily, looking down. BOROMIR: Oh. Never mind. JULES: And what's stopping him from leaving? TUMNUS (sadly): He's under the evil spell of a lemon writer. When he looked up, it was to find her looking at him, with upturned lips that said she was laughing inside. JULES (as Moiraine): What an idiot! This is almost too easy; I think I'll take him to the White Tower just to give my fellow Aes Sedai some laughs... The brush hung, unused, from her hand as she glided towards him, her ageless features set in that calm smile. JULES (shiver): This is somewhat creepy. I'm picturing a skateboarding zombie with botox surgery moving close to Perrin right now. BORIS: Well, then, get ready for some good old necrophilia! He reached frantically for words, *As Boromir stretches his hand up in the air, everyone makes straining noises and grunts* but she had reached him before he had time to do more than shift uneasily; TUMNUS (laughing): Obviously, either she's a fast glider or Perrin's a slow shifter. BORIS: It's probably the latter. I don't think Perrin's so-called brain controls his muscles unless he really concentrates hard. with a swirl of the robe, she placed herself primly on his knees. BOROMIR (as Moiraine): Now read me a story, Perrin. JULES (patiently): Moiraine. Does. Not. Climb. On. People's. Knees. She was so light, he thought, dazedly. So light, and so small, and so beautiful that his breath caught in his throat. TUMNUS (as Perrin): Duh-huh, woman so pretty and light and small...guh-huh, me like her...heh heh heh... “Is this what you were hoping to accomplish, Perrin?” BORIS: "Are you happy now, you lecherous bastard?! Well, are you?! ARE YOU?!" she asked in that musical tone which had so mystified him and his friends before. BOROMIR: Now it just made them want to beat her over the head with a shovel. Now he found it maddening BOROMIR (hopefully): Enough to beat her over the head with a shovel? JULES (sigh): Pity he won't be beating up Elayne or Min or Faile. as she sat on him, so close to his arms. TUMNUS (as Perrin): She's nearly touching my ARMS! I don't know if I'm comfortable with this! Her smile stayed the same, her eyes holding him prisoner, BORIS (as Perrin): Let me out! Let me out! Please! BOROMIR (as Moiraine's eyes): No! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! as she wiggled her ass on his knees, causing his entire body to shake with her. JULES (singing): Hey, Macarena... “Did you want to have me here, just so, to dandle on your knee?” BORIS (as Perrin): Yeah! I'm practicing to be a department-store Santa. She sidled closer to him, stopping just shy of resting against his chest. He let out a trembling sigh. JULES: Oh, come on. Perrin hasn't even HUGGED a girl? Don't tell me he hasn't even hugged a girl, just because he comes from the Village of the Prudes. BOROMIR: If he ejaculates at this point, I shall die laughing. Her smile turned sympathetic. “Or had you planned that far ahead?” TUMNUS (as Perrin): Well, I write everything down in my diary, and it seems that today...oh. Er...no. Perrin only worked his jaw for a moment, trying to summon up an answer. JULES (exercise instructor): Yeah, Perrin! Work those jaw muscles...up, down, up, down...there you go! Burn those calories! Dry-mouthed, he said, “This is close to what I was hoping.” BOROMIR: Actually that is quite a sophisticated response, for Perrin. BORIS: Yeah; his normal answer would be, "Uh...I...ah...that is...ehhhhhhhh!" She clapped her hands, a chime of laughter escaping JULES (startled): Whoa! She's got laughing, bell-like hands? her delicate, ruby lips. JULES: Oh. TUMNUS: Those lips made of ruby must make it difficult for her to talk. Deliberately, she pushed herself into him, her face in his ALL (as Perrin): AHHHHHHHHHH! and her tiny behind firmly over his crotch. BORIS (as Moiraine): Good Lord, Perrin, I barely feel anything down there! Have your balls dropped at all? This close, his eyes could roam over the skin of her face; JULES: Stopping for a picnic lunch in her nose and a bathroom break in her mouth. TUMNUS: Jules, how old are you? it was perfectly smooth, unmarred by time and as pale as Egwene’s had been. BOROMIR: Oh, her skin color is the same as your old friend's. That's a perfect reason to have sex with her. JULES (frustrated): For God's sake! I have a lot of friends who are black, but does that mean I have a crush on Eddie Murphy or Bill Cosby?! NO! He fought down the urge to cup her chin in his hands. *laughter* BOROMIR: Her CHIN, for Eru's sake! He's fighting down the urge to touch her CHIN! “Let me see if I can figure it out, then,” she breathed, her smile never altering, “what you were hoping.” BORIS (as Perrin): Er, I was actually hoping to see if you had any booze hidden in here... She gave another wiggle, and he groaned, this time, JULES (groan): I understand perfectly, Perrin. as her small buttocks worked over his hardening manhood. *Everyone gulps* TUMNUS (very quietly): Perrin, get out of that room right now, please. BOROMIR: Please, before something bad happens! She laughed again, her hands going to his chest and unbuttoning his shirt part of the way; JULES: Oh, my God...*buries her face in her hands* BORIS: Doivenya, what part of "Out of character" don't you understand? her deft fingers slipped inside to stroke his hairy chest, toned from years of working at the forge. TUMNUS: And hairy from his transformation into a yellow-eyed quasi-werewolf. JULES (retch): Oh, thanks for making it worse. Her thin arms went smoothly inside, BOROMIR: His CHEST?! BORIS: No, I'm pretty sure his shirt. allowing her hands to roam up and down underneath his loose shirt. JULES (singing): Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam...and the bad fanfic authors are dead... She tweaked one of his nipples, TUMNUS (as Moiraine): Doink, doink...*giggle* BOROMIR (as Perrin): OW! earning a sharp intake of breath from him, and she chuckled softly before moving to unbutton the rest of the woolen shirt. BORIS: Hey, there's still hope. She could be stripping him for ceremonial purposes or something. JULES (sneer): No, only the women get naked in Jordan's ceremonies. BORIS: Ah...right. Well, she could be...er...she could...damn, I can't ignore it any longer! They ARE going to have sex...no! His arms came up, to hold her to him; her quick hands met them, though, and guided them back down. TUMNUS (as Moiraine): Perrin! Did you HONESTLY think I wanted to have sex with you, you disgusting lout?! Just because I sat on your lap and am taking off your shirt! What kind of woman do you think I am?! Moiraine wagged a finger at him, once, still smiling calmly, JULES (as Moiraine, baby-talk): Big no-no, sweetie. Don't do that or you'll get a boo-boo. before moving to slide his shirt off. The garment slid to the floor, and her hands explored him again, BORIS (gasp): I've got it! She's giving him a routine medical check-up! BOROMIR (elbowing him): Will you stop getting our hopes up?! going across his thickly muscled shoulders, squeezing the defined biceps in his arms JULES: HONK! HONK, HONK, HONK! before going around to his back, trailing a finger along his spine. BORIS: Doodley doodley doodley doodley... He jumped a bit, and she bounced on him. TUMNUS: Amazing; Perrin could be an amusement-park ride for midgets! I never thought of that before. Laughing once more, she slowly rose. Her head was only slightly over his, even standing. JULES: Seriously, is Moiraine sure she wants to do this? I mean, she's, like, four foot eight or something, and Perrin's nearly six feet! “Do I begin to approach?” she asked, BOROMIR (as Perrin, stupidly): Of course you've approached, stupid; you're sitting right on my lap! her eyebrow arching at him again, JULES (frustrated): Enough with the magical moving eyebrows already, for God's sake! TUMNUS: Easy, Jules. Easy. as her hands went lower, running down his rock-hard stomach, BORIS: Getting scraped from the rough surface. dipping quickly into his belly button JULES (sickened): BOTH her hands?! Ugh; he must have a bellybutton the size of a kitchen sink! BOROMIR (gulping): Why would ANYONE want to bed Perrin? Just answer me that. WHY? before continuing down, to finally rest on his belt buckle. *Silence* TUMNUS (breathing heavily): Don't open it, Moiraine...please, whatever you do, do NOT undo his breeches... BORIS: He's got a furry body and a huge bellybutton; we don't WANT to know what his penis looks like! He breathed in short gasps, now; his arms ached to draw her to him, to kiss her. BOROMIR: I wouldn't do that. His breath probably smells like raw rabbit and pigeon flesh. The Aes Sedai did not move her fingers, but suddenly his belt was unbuckled JULES (as Moiraine): Dammit, Doivenya, this is not funny! Stop interfering whenever I start to get back in character! and removed from his breeches, in her hand; she took it slowly and TUMNUS: Whipped him with it until he screamed for mercy. BORIS: Oh, so it's a Moiraine and Perrin dominatrix lemon... BOROMIR & JULES: Shut up! dropped it beside the chair. For once, he did not mind her using the Power near him. JULES: The sad thing is, I actually GUESSED that the Power could be used in really kinky situations with Aes Sedai and their lovers. I pictured what it might be like, and I thought I'd read a DECENT fanfic about it, with a DECENT pairing! Not like this! BOROMIR: Calm yourself, Jules. It's all right. Her smile became a grin, now, a mischievous one which he had seen on her only once before. BORIS: When she'd made a bonfire out of all his smallclothes and put a dead fish in his bed. She undid the buttons of his breeches slowly, one by one; JULES (swallow): No. No. Please no... TUMNUS (shudder): One by one? It's so suspenseful, I know it's going to be horrible! with them all open, she suddenly darted her hand inside, BOROMIR: Only to have it bitten off by the young snapping turtle in Perrin's breeches. her cool fingers gripping his rock-hard shaft and pulling it up into the open. BORIS: NO! JULES (grossed out): Oh, God, I can imagine it's hairy and disgusting; this is going to be like a bestiality fic! *Boromir retches noisily* Perrin sucked in his breath at the feel of her fingers on him; TUMNUS (as Perrin): Moiraine, have you been finger-painting recently? his hips thrust upwards reflexively, rubbing the sensitive skin of his cock against her hand. BOROMIR: That description makes it sound like he has a featherless rooster between his legs. BORIS (grin): Boromir, I think you just made up a new euphemism. Looking at it, she gave a gasp of what seemed delight; JULES (scowl): Yes, kids; Moiraine is a strong woman and therefore, she is also a drooling sex-fiend. The terms are not mutually exclusive. her palm stroked it as she moved her other hand down, to caress the tip of Perrin’s hard-on delicately. *Pause* TUMNUS: He used the word "hard-on" again. Once might be an accident, but twice... BORIS: Yep. Doivenya's definitely under sixteen. He arched his head back, closing his eyes at the incredible feeling her fingers were working into him; BOROMIR (as Perrin): Ooh...mud and sour cream...mmmm, horse dung...aaah... dimly, he felt one of her hands move down to the base of his shaft, while the other gripped the top half. *Silence* JULES: "Top half" of his penis? That's a new one. He opened his eyes again, and looked down to find both of her tiny hands on his cock, BORIS (deadpan): Her fingers reached all the way around it. kneading it around, working his cock from balls to head with soft but firm strokes. TUMNUS: "Kneading"? Is he even supposed to be erect at this point? BORIS: Wow; this kinda makes you wonder what else those bakers who knead bread are good at... JULES: Oh, yuck! Boris! He moaned, a low sound in his ears, and looked up at Moiraine’s face; BOROMIR: It was horrified. With a yell of disgust, she grabbed her belt knife, castrated Perrin with one stroke, and swore never again to let herself be caught in pornographic fanfiction. The end. she was no longer smiling, but had an expression of fascination on her face as she stared down at his cock, JULES (losing control): So now you're degrading both women AND the entire human race?! WHY AM I PUTTING UP WITH THIS?! TUMNUS: Jules, stay calm. I know it's horrid, but we'll get through it. held between her two hands. Her lips were slightly parted, BOROMIR: Yet try as she might, she could not keep from vomiting. and he could hear her breath coming slightly more quickly, now; JULES: What? But it's PERRIN who's getting the hand job! BORIS: Moiraine must be kind of like a succubus, except she's draining herself of energy instead of her partner. her dark eyes were wide, her cheeks a hair flushed. BOROMIR (paling): A hair?! She's growing a beard?! TUMNUS: No, Doivenya means a tiny bit flushed, but I agree that he could have used a better word. BOROMIR (relieved): Phew. A look of need came over her features as she continued working at his shaft, JULES: Oh, please, Doivenya; leave her at least ONE ATOM of her dignity! but she still had the poise to say, “I think I might have found something for you.” BORIS: "It's a piece of lint from the Amyrlin Seat's pocket. You could probably get a good price for it if you sold it." Abruptly she took her hands away from his minutely thrusting penis; TUMNUS: "Minutely thrusting"? What the... JULES: It's either thrusting every minute or else its movements are so small they can't be tracked with the naked eye. he kept on moving his hips for a moment or two before he realized the absence. *Hysterical laughter* BORIS: Boy, in some ways, Perrin makes a mentally-retarded Neanderthal look intelligent. JULES: How would Darwin and natural selection explain the existence of Perrin? He did not regret it, though, because of the sight that was unfolding before him. BOROMIR: No! I don't want to see it! Please, no! BORIS: Hey, the door's open! Run for your lives, before Doivenya describes it! *everyone stampedes out of the theater* Review here |
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| jules14 | Dec 15 2008, 07:56 PM Post #2 |
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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She had come around to stand directly in front of him, her arms going to the edges of her robe; *Everyone has just come back into the theater* JULES: Ahhh, no! She's undressing for Perrin! BOROMIR: Shut your eyes, everyone! the Aes Sedai drew them slowly back, apart from each other. *Jules and Boris hum the "Muppet Show" theme* In increments, she revealed herself to him, sliding the robe from her until they fell over her shoulders and onto the ground. TUMNUS: "They"? BORIS: She revealed herself in increments? I don't think that's the word Doivenya wanted here. He forgot to breathe; *much laughter* BOROMIR: So, Perrin, what else is new? her pale nudity held him as spellbound as one of her feats of the Power. TUMNUS: Right; I never had much affection for Moiraine, and even *I'm* starting to not believe it. JULES: I swear, if you pointed a PPC Canon Analysis Device at Moiraine right now, it would explode. Creamy skin covered her body, not altering a shade from face to toes; BOROMIR: And you were expecting her to be covered with rainbow fur, perhaps? her petite frame held two ample breasts, crowned with small red nipples, hardening in the cool inn’s air. BORIS: So, her naked body's no different from any other woman's. Glad to hear that. JULES (amazed): Was Perrin expecting to see THREE breasts on her?! Why is he so surprised at the most obvious details of a woman's body?! Perrin’s eyes moved down her body, taking in the taut stomach, the slim hips, TUMNUS: TAUT stomach. Why do lemon writers ALWAYS use the same words to describe body parts? BORIS: At least he didn't describe her hips as "sinuous". and the smooth skin that dominated her crotch. She was hairless, there; not so much as a speck of curls marred her curves. JULES: Oh, please...just what do you have against pubic hair, anyway? BORIS: Doivenya, curls aren't found in "specks". Underneath, the cleft of her pussy turned slightly reddish as lips met, showing the faintest glimpse of pink held beneath. TUMNUS (nearly losing control): NOBODY CARES! BOROMIR (frustrated): Describing the COLORS of her genitals is NOT arousing! A small space separated her thighs, there, before they met again JULES: So Moiraine's doing a plié or something? BORIS: So her thighs are skinny at the top and fat at the bottom? What kind of diet is she on, anyway? as her sinuously sculpted legs stretched down to the floor. BORIS (scream of agony): Oh, Sauron, he said the s-word! TUMNUS: What, "sculpted"? "Stretched"? "Sinuous—" BORIS: Don't say it! She smiled, all cool calm again, and beckoned him to her. JULES (making a face): Oh, come on. That gesture is so cliched. He stood, towering over as he waddled in his partially removed breeches to stand before her. *Pause* BOROMIR: "Waddling" is not a good word for this situation. JULES: Perrin IS Donald Duck! BOROMIR: That's exactly my point. Taking the top of his head, she pushed him down, TUMNUS (hopefully): Until he fell forward and cracked his head open on the hardwood floor. to kneel on the floor before her, before thrusting her hips forward. JULES (as Perrin): AH, no! I don't WANT you to do the hula in my face! BOROMIR: I hope she hit him in the mouth and knocked out some of his teeth. Perrin had never done anything like this, before, but he somehow knew what she wanted of him. BORIS (yawn): Obviously she was signaling that she wanted him to wash her underpants. Tentatively, he leaned forward, straining his head so it was level with her crotch; JULES: Yeah, Perrin; it's called MOVING CLOSER IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE REACHING. she grabbed his head, seemingly impatient, and pressed it to her, so that his nose pressed into the skin where her pubic hair should have been. BOROMIR (as Perrin): Ugh, it smells horrible, like cow dung...oh, sorry, Moiraine; did I say that out loud? Hesitating, he flicked his tongue out, the tip of it just brushing her lips; TUMNUS: But the taste was so awful that he keeled over gagging on the floor. a shudder raced through her body, JULES: Phew. BOROMIR: Hopefully Moiraine is starting to come to her senses. and her hands tightened on his head, gathering a handful of his hair. BORIS (as Perrin): Ow, OW, oh! My hair, I'm bald! Owwwww! Encouraged, he leaned forward even more, so that his tongue could dart out to part her fleshy pussy. BOROMIR: "Fleshy"? That's attractive. TUMNUS (amazed): What a sharp tongue he must have! JULES (grossed out): He didn't mean parted THAT way, you idiot! At first he tasted only skin, if amazingly soft, creamy-tasting skin; TUMNUS: Thanks to Moiraine's anointing of herself with whipped cream. Of course, he was disappointed there was no chocolate sauce. after he had worked her lips apart, though, JULES: Oh, my God...ouch. he began to taste a tangy undertone, BORIS (confused): So Moiraine's vagina is leaking Orangina? JULES: Probably just orange juice. as the flesh under his tongue became even softer, if that was possible. BOROMIR: Er...it's not. JULES (excitedly): Hey, she's probably got skin softener or something...you know, like fabric softener, except it works on human flesh instead of cloth...never mind. It felt as though it was moistening; BOROMIR (laughing): Did NOBODY give Perrin a childhood talk about the opposite sex? BORIS: Evidently nobody gets the "birds and the bees" talk in the Two Rivers; hence their pathetic ignorance about the opposite sex even after they turn twenty. from the way Moiraine was now moaning, soft little cries that barely reached even his ears, BORIS: So he couldn't hear that she was saying, "Yuck! He sucks!" and "Why the hell am I doing this?!" and "Doivenya is going to die for this." it was either hurting her or making her feel amazing. JULES (exasperated): How would LICKING her genitalia HURT HER?! TUMNUS: Hmmm; perhaps Perrin really has got a knife-like tongue. Either that or he's growing fangs. His tongue darted in and out, sometimes running up and down her lips to gather her taste as he grew to like it. *everyone slurps noisily* She began rocking her hips into him, and he delved a bit deeper; BORIS: Whoa; he sucks worse than Rand at this—pardon the pun—and that's saying something. BOROMIR: The real question is why Moiraine is putting up with it. for a moment, it felt as though his tongue was being squeezed further into her now-dripping cunt, before she pulled him away. TUMNUS (gag): Thank you, Moiraine. JULES: Yeah; this is making me feel a bit sick now. He looked up at her, puzzled; she had that needing look in her eyes again. BORIS (as Moiraine): I need a drink...fifteen shots of tequila if I'm ever going to forget about this... She gestured to the bed, and said huskily, “Lie down.” JULES (as Moiraine, robot-voice): Now that you're completely aroused, I'm going to collect your sperm samples and then give you an anal probing, and take you back to my home planet for study...ha, ha, ha... He did as she commanded, TUMNUS: Submissive, isn't he? BORIS: Maybe this IS going to be an S & M fic... BOROMIR: NO! lying in the center of the comfortable bed, and as soon as he was down JULES (wrestling announcer): And...Perrin's down! Moiraine wins the match! she was tugging his breeches the rest of the way off, making him as naked as she was. BOROMIR (dryly): I expected as much. TUMNUS: How ELSE could he be naked? Her hand teased his cockhead for a moment, swirling it around; JULES (incredulously): SWIRLING it? BORIS: Cool; he's got a cockhead made out of ice cream! then, she stepped up onto the bed, standing over him. TUMNUS: With a loud crash, the bed collapsed under her weight, sending Perrin onto the floor and her headfirst into the fireplace. She must have seen the momentary hesitation in his eyes; JULES (as Perrin): Duh, huh...why are we getting naked, Moiraine? not much escaped her, he should remember. BOROMIR: Except perhaps her NORMAL PERSONALITY! TUMNUS: Well said. She looked surprised once more, and asked, “You haven’t done this before?” JULES (irritated): Moiraine, what do you think? He couldn't even find your clitoris when he was eating you out! Gulping, he shook his head. BORIS (as Perrin): No...oh, crap...Moiraine, I think I just swallowed a spider... She seemed to puzzle that over a moment, and then her calm smile returned. BOROMIR (as Moiraine): Hmmm...never done this before...what is he implying by this? Oh, well; I'm too stupid to figure it out. “Well, then, it seems this will be a … learning experience for us both.” *roars of laughter* TUMNUS: Who calls sex a "learning experience"? She dropped down to kneel, and one of her legs went over his chest. BORIS: Um...Moiraine, his penis is a bit lower down; you'll have to readjust your position a bit. The naked Aes Sedai slid her crotch down his chest, coming to rest on his belly; BORIS: Yeah, yeah; you're almost there, Moiraine; just a hair lower... JULES (as Perrin): Ooh, this is going to be so great, I'm...oh, I'm done! Sorry, Moiraine. smiling that cool smile at him, her eyes dancing, TUMNUS: A waltz, before sliding into a slow tango. JULES: Lame. she reached behind herself to grab his hard dick, pointing it straight up. BORIS (pretentious artist): "I call this 'Sword of Manly Power'. It represents the overwhelming ferocity of male chauvinism." Slowly, smoothly, she lifted her ass up, sitting up on her knees, BOROMIR (as Moiraine): Erghh...uggghhhh...Light, my ass weighs a ton; I need to lose weight desperately... and inched herself backward; then, with a breath, she eased herself down over him, positioning his cock at her entrance. JULES: Okay, HERE Doivenya has Moiraine somewhat in character. Man, even in sex she likes to be dramatic! TUMNUS (as Perrin): GET ON WITH IT! She slid it around her lips for a moment, gathering moisture; JULES: Ah, orange juice; an excellent lubricant! then, she let herself drop down, sheathing him to the balls inside of her in an instant. *some shock* BORIS: Seriously? Moiraine is less than five feet tall! JULES: What does she do, stretch out her vagina constantly?! BOROMIR: Perhaps Perrin is unusually small. Both Moiraine and Perrin moaned at the same time, his a deep grunt of longing, hers a low musical note. *applause* JULES: It's a perfect moaning duet! Encore, encore! TUMNUS (laughing): Was the "musical note" Moiraine moaned a half note or a whole note? He could feel her all around him, hot and wet and so tight that he could barely stand it. JULES (gulping): Oh, my God... BORIS: If he tears open her cervix... His eyes turned to slits as every muscle in his body clenched; BOROMIR (aghast): My Iluvatar, he's going to explode! JULES: Or he's constipated! his arms reached out of their own accord for her waist, to pull her even farther onto him. *Jules screams abruptly and grabs her crotch* TUMNUS (worriedly): Jules? JULES: Oh, God, ouch...he's going to impale her! Halfway to her, though, his arms suddenly stopped, and were forced back by nothing he could see. JULES (relieved): Whew; I thought this was going to get a whole lot grosser. BOROMIR (amazed): If the sex scene is so dreadful that even the CREATOR has to interfere... She was panting, now, but still smiling, still somehow managing to seem calm, BORIS: Right; at this point I'm guessing she's not aroused at all, and once Perrin's done, she's going to laugh at him. TUMNUS (disgusted): I'm certainly not aroused. and she lifted a hand to waggle a finger at him once more. JULES (rolling her eyes): You know, Moiraine, it's kind of hard to look commanding when you're having sex with a dumb, hairy yokel who talks to wolves. His arms were placed gently back onto the bed, and she began to move. BOROMIR (as Perrin): Wait, Moiraine, where are you going?! I'm not done! Argh! He could only groan as she rode him, rocking her hips back and forth to move his rock-hard rod around inside of her. TUMNUS: Rocking? Rock? BORIS: Rocks, rocks, and more rocks. JULES: Rock 'n' roll? His hips moved with her, rocking her harder, farther; BORIS: Until she was thrown across the room by the sheer force of his penis and slammed against the wall. even sitting on his cock, she felt as though she weighed nothing, TUMNUS: Well, then...isn't that going to make it hard for him to get an orgasm? as though he should be splitting her in two by even moving inside of her. *Jules vomits noisily. The males look sick* Her eyes told him that he was far from splitting her, though; they were rolled upwards in her head, BORIS: Well, if he was splitting her, her eyes WOULD be rolled upwards in her head, 'cause she'd be DEAD! *Silence. Jules turns green again* unfocused in ecstasy, as her hips moved faster and faster, *Jules is breathing deeply* TUMNUS: I think it's safe now. JULES: I know...I just got a vivid picture in my mind of Perrin having sex with Moiraine, and I felt nauseated again. her hands resting on his stomach as her ass writhed on his crotch, BOROMIR (frowning suddenly): She's not having anal sex with him, is she? JULES: Oh, my God...and Doivenya said he was "sheathed to the balls"...excuse me... *she throws up again* her breasts swaying, begging to be grabbed, squeezed, sucked on. BORIS: Their loud, begging voices hurt Perrin's ears, and he finally had to slap them to shut them up. Her mouth stayed open as she continued, uttering cries of an increasingly higher pitch and longer duration. TUMNUS: How is Perrin supposed to KNOW this?! Why on earth should we CARE?! BORIS: Oh, Perrin's obviously a musical genius! He can tell the pitch of anything, even sexual moans! Suddenly she moved her hands forward, up to his chest, to lean more of her weight down onto him. JULES: Yeah, and are we ever going to know why? BOROMIR: I'm not sure that I care. At the same time, she began lifting herself up and bringing herself back down, TUMNUS: Plop...splat...flump... JULES (as Perrin): Moiraine, could you...oof...you're squashing me! taking his rod in and out of her, in and out, at a fast pace. BOROMIR: What was she doing before, playing cards with it? Perrin’s neck spasmed as his head was forced back into the pillows from the feel of it; BORIS: Giving him a monstrous stiff neck. That's nice to feel during sex. the alternating tightness, moving up and down his hard shaft, was too much for him to bear. TUMNUS: And it killed him. The end. BORIS: Shut up, Tumnus; it's gotten old. He stared between her arms and her swiftly moving legs to see his penis being swallowed by her dripping cunt lips, *Jules makes loud, disgusting slurping sounds* BORIS: "The Blob": the X-rated version. seeing his cock being continually sheathed and unsheathed. BOROMIR (as Perrin): Ooh...aah...looks pretttttttty... He realized that he was grunting, hard, now, and her moans had turned to something lower, more guttural. TUMNUS: What, are they bears now, all of a sudden? JULES: Maybe they're pigs. He could feel something building up within him; BORIS (as Perrin): Oh, Light, my arteries are clogging up like a bitch! Why, oh, why did I eat that jumbo bacon-cheeseburger?! he strained to hold it back as long as he could. JULES: That's not how you get rid of cholesterol, Perrin. You need to exercise, eat some vegetables...actually I wouldn't mind if you died of a heart attack, so never mind. The Aes Sedai took one hand from his chest to cup her own breast, squeezing it hard as she kept on bouncing; BOROMIR (sigh): Because Doivenya would just love to see Moiraine touching herself. TUMNUS (frustrated): Why in Aslan's name didn't he write about her masturbating, then?! her grunts, somehow still sounding like soft bell’s chimes, JULES: Then they're not GRUNTS, you dumb fucker; they're moans, or coos, or bell-like sounds, or something else. seemed to be rapidly approaching some climax, climbing in volume until he thought the whole inn might hear. JULES: Ugh. BORIS: I will never get this out of my head: Moiraine riding this disgusting guy and shrieking like a whore. I mean, come on; would you write this about Galadriel or Luthien?! All at once, she stiffened, letting out a squeal as her pussy tightened enormously around him; JULES (outraged): MOIRAINE DOES NOT SQUEAL! BOROMIR (disgusted): "Her pussy tightened enormously"? That is...I mean... TUMNUS: Oh, dear. he dimly felt her wetness increase, but his mind became a wild tangle of pleasure BORIS: So...judging by how stupid he is normally, he must have the intelligence level of a dinosaur during orgasms! TUMNUS (as Perrin): Ugh...ugh...ugh... JULES: Ew... as the pressure within him released, forced out by her squeezing cunt, BORIS: What is he, an oil derrick? A bicycle pump? and he howled as he felt himself pump warm fluid up into her womb, BOROMIR (grossed out): He HOWLED? He really is more animal than human! JULES: I swear, if he starts beating his chest and roaring like Tarzan, I'm gonna be sick again. the cum mixing with her juices BORIS: This is like a disgusting version of those juice-maker infomercials. and making her squeal once more, with a delighted smile on her face. JULES (scowling): That's it. That is definitely it. Somebody get me a shotgun; I am going to kill myself... (slouches out of the theater) TUMNUS: She might actually do it. We'd best go after her... BOROMIR: Indeed; I need something for an upset stomach. *others walk out of the theater* |
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| jules14 | Dec 17 2008, 10:59 PM Post #3 |
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(Wo)man on a Mission
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They were both panting as if they had run thirty miles; she wearily dropped off of him, to the side of the bed, TUMNUS: CLUNK! BORIS (as Moiraine): Oof...that's gonna leave a mark. and he was suddenly released from whatever hold she had had on him. BOROMIR (as Perrin): Arrrrghhhhh! I just had sex with an AES SEDAI! They lay there, side by side, and stared up at the ceiling; BORIS (as Perrin): Hey, Moiraine, I see a crack up there that looks like Martin Van Buren's head. JULES (as Moiraine): I see a bunny. BORIS (as Perrin): And that one looks like a map of Greenland. TUMNUS: Ah, good times in Randland. he was trying to collect his thoughts, to bring himself back from that wild feeling. *Boromir opens his mouth* JULES: I think we've exhausted the jokes about Perrin's stupidity. BOROMIR: But it's so tempting. He found, though, that it would not leave him; he felt invigorated, as though he had awakened from a long sleep. BORIS (snort): Oh, right, that's a realistic feeling for a man to have right after sex. “So,” Moiraine said after a time. “Was that everything you had in mind?” TUMNUS (as Perrin): Er...no. I just wanted to borrow your belt knife. He could hear the smile in her voice. JULES: And it sounded like Hannah Montana with laryngitis. “No,” he said, clearly, strongly, BOROMIR: "I need you to sign this card; I need to have proof that you actually bedded me." and she started on the bed beside him, confusion and anger on her face. JULES (as Moiraine): Look, I had sex with you just to keep you from bothering me. Now I'm covered with your body hair and I probably smell like dog crap...I am NEVER doing this with you again! But before she could say anything, he was up and grabbing her to him, BORIS (as Perrin): I love you! Marry me! TUMNUS (as Moiraine): It'll never work! his hands roaming over her small, fragile body. BOROMIR (as Moiraine): Perrin, unhand me this instant! JULES (as Perrin): What? I'm just grooming you! He savored the touch of her, and as she opened her mouth to ask him what he thought he was doing, he buried her protest with a rough kiss. *Jules's mouth has dropped open* BORIS (gulp): I have a funny feeling this is going to get even uglier. Her taste was cool, and sweet; TUMNUS: Oh, lovely; she tasted like strawberry lemonade. her struggle in the first moments only made it that much sweeter when she gave in, and accepted his tongue into her mouth. JULES (horrified): What...what...oh, God... BORIS: So Perrin's a molester? Wow. You think you know a guy... BOROMIR (dangerously quiet): Perrin, in Gondor this would get you drawn, quartered, and hanged. TUMNUS: Before I just had contempt for this idiot. Now I simply hate him. He devoured it, devoured her; BORIS (as Perrin): YUM! (makes munching sounds) TUMNUS: Ah, this is an obvious sign of his wolf-like appetite. Human beings usually like their Aes Sedai well-done. his hands, running over her body, squeezed her in places that made her gasp into his mouth. JULES (puzzled): So he squeezed her neck? Or her nose? Or her lungs? Her tiny, firm ass cheeks; her ample, squeezable tits; her taut thighs; her smooth neck. BOROMIR: Her smelly feet; her hairy upper lip; her flabby dewlap; her yellow teeth; her greasy hair...well, you get the idea. Breaking the kiss, he turned her over, dragging her to the edge of the bed as he stood behind her. JULES (sheer horror): Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no... TUMNUS: There are...no words... She found the breath for a protest, now. “What are you –“ was all she got out BOROMIR: Isn't it OBVIOUS what he's doing, woman?! Just retrieve your self-respect and blow him to bits already! before he had positioned his returned erection. BORIS: Does everybody in Doivenya's world gobble Viagra like candy? She screamed as he pushed his cock into her sopping fuck-hole, *Jules screams and tears her hair* BOROMIR (shiver): Rape AND the phrase "sopping fuck-hole" in one sentence? screamed as he rammed himself inside of her as deep as he could go, TUMNUS (breathing heavily): Wrong will be right when Aslan comes in sight; when we hear his roar, sorrows will be no more... BORIS: For Sauron's sake! Arwen is one thing, but Moiraine can actually defend herself with magical powers! screamed as his balls slapped against her smooth, hairless crotch. TUMNUS (more and more desperately): When he bares his teeth, winter meets its...its...oh, it's no use! Moiraine is being raped! *he and Jules clutch each other, sobbing* Now he had surely broken her, he thought belatedly, BOROMIR: Whatever happened to all Perrin's worries about hurting people just because he was bigger and stronger? JULES: Oh, my God, he tore her...her... (starts crying again) but she managed to get a word out around the scream. “Yes!” TUMNUS: Oh, Aslan, NO!! She's being raped...and she LIKES it! *Jules screams hysterically and starts crying on Boromir's shoulder* BOROMIR: For Eru's sake, Jules, riff! This is not nearly as bad as "An Elf's Love"! His hands took a firm grip on her ass as he began fucking her from behind, and she muffled her screams in the bedding, burying her head in it BORIS (as Moiraine): Oh, God, I'll never be able to live this down...all I can do is smother myself... BOROMIR: There, now, follow Boris's example...though that comment is not what I had in mind... as her dark brown hair bounced along with the rest of her body, on his cock. JULES (abruptly wiping her tears): Her HAIR BOUNCED ON HIS COCK? Does she have corkscrew curls that come down to her ankles or something? BOROMIR: Good girl, Jules. Keep going. He grunted and growled as he drove himself into her, again and again, TUMNUS (uncertainly): Er...eh...somebody ought to take away his driver's license, don't you think? BORIS: Good one. If we keep on like this, we'll be okay. now leaning over her to grab both of her breasts and lifting her up against him as he pistoned into her tight, juicy pussy. BORIS: Whoa; she really DOES have orange juice leaking outta there! JULES: Well, there's one good thing about being taken from behind; she doesn't have to look at his ugly face. She was writhing around him, now, wriggling her ass BOROMIR: How can you possibly wriggle ANYTHING voluntarily during sex? as he rammed into her so he would come from all different angles; TUMNUS: Perrin, you're thinking too much. he pushed her back down so he could begin smacking her ass. JULES: Oh, blech... BOROMIR: Doivenya, with this new element, this story has gone beyond tasteless. It's gone beyond insipid. I think even orcs would find it too crude and rubbishy to tolerate. One smack, two, three; BORIS (Count von Count): Three glorious smacks! Ha, ha, ha! she seemed to love it, JULES: Doivenya, I don't care how much she ended up loving it. Perrin took her without making sure she was ready, without stopping when he thought he was hurting her, without her consent, so that means it was RAPE. And it was WRONG. and urged him on, crying, “Yes, Perrin, oh, fuck me, spank me, Light, shove that ta’veren dick into my tight little pussy …” *All are speechless* BORIS: I know a little about Moiraine, and I can tell you that before she'd say that, hell would freeze over and Manwe and Morgoth would sing "Why Can't We Be Friends" together. TUMNUS (deadly quiet): That sentence has burned itself painfully into my mind forever. JULES: I really am going to shoot Doivenya for that. NOBODY wrecks my favorite characters. NOBODY. He knew it was coming, and he knew that he could not stop it. TUMNUS: The sixteen-ton weight fell from the ceiling and squashed them both. Perhaps if Perrin had actually possessed a working brain, he and Moiraine could have moved out of the way. With a howl, he began to pound her as hard as he could, BOROMIR: Oh, so raping and spanking her aren't enough and you have to beat her with your fists as well! Perrin! slamming her back onto his cock as he thrusted in, throwing her away ALL: Whoa! JULES: A little over-exuberant, much? as he pulled his dick all the way out of her cunt before shoving it back in. BORIS: This guy's a true romantic, isn't he? JULES: Yeah; his best pick-up line is probably, "Hey, honey, can we go someplace so I can shove my dick into your cunt?" TUMNUS: Oh, urgh... He heard her words turn into high-pitched yelps BOROMIR: Ah; Perrin's a Wolfbrother and Moiraine's a Chihuahua-sister. These two have more in common than I thought at first. and knew that she was there, as well; with wild abandon, he let go. BORIS: As a result, Moiraine landed rather noisily on the floor. TUMNUS (as Moiraine): Ow! You idiot; why didn't you hold onto me?! Just as hard as the first one, his orgasm ripped through him, JULES (suddenly interested): Say, does Doivenya mean that literally? BOROMIR: Internal organs flew everywhere, splattering the windows. sending him thrusting deep into the Aes Sedai’s tight little twat TUMNUS (sob): Why did I ever, EVER think I wanted to meet humans? *Jules slams her head on the back of her seat* as he came inside of her, she squealing and moaning as she came again, JULES (outraged): Enough with the damn squealing, Doivenya! They're not hogs at slaughter! tightening around his cock until he thought she would never let it go. BORIS (snicker): And what an embarrassing ending THAT would be! BOROMIR: That's our Perrin! JULES: Wah wah wah! He slumped over her, his head resting over her shoulder, as they both shuddered their last strength out. *everyone starts shaking wildly* BORIS: Heh, heh; shake well AFTER using. He felt himself drifting off; JULES: Cool; he's floating on a cloud so high, in the sky... (words trail off dreamily) realizing he would crush her if he went to sleep like this, he rolled off of her, forcing himself up onto the bed. BOROMIR: Yes, that's it, Perrin. Rape her, spank her, take away her dignity, but don't lie on top of her in case you crush her. He felt her wriggle up beside him. BORIS: Then she slit his throat. The end. JULES: Tumnus, what's happened to you? Usually you make those kinds of riffs. When he tried to put an arm around her, though, she sleepily batted it away. JULES: Hey, cool; when did she get a baseball bat? BOROMIR: I rather think it was a cricket bat. So, he thought groggily. Nothing has changed … BORIS: Yeah, except Moiraine but...wait...huh?! With that, he sank into sleep. TUMNUS (bitterly): And I sank into despair and depression. A few moments later, the door opened to a crack, and a stone-faced man JULES: Hey, one of the faces off Mount Rushmore's come to liven things up! with graying hair held back by a leather cord peeked his head in. BORIS (as Lan): Er...peek-a-boo? BOROMIR (as Lan): Pssst...Moiraine? Are we still planning to go out and torture the town's cats? One glance at the bed told him all he needed to know; TUMNUS (as Lan): Erghh! She and PERRIN?! Oh, ugh, I need a bath; I'm going to vomit...bleargh! he had thought that must be what was going on, by the feel of Moiraine’s emotions he had gotten through their bond. JULES: This is really one of the most inconvenient drawbacks to the Warder bond. BORIS: Yeah, but it does give Robert Jordan a chance to pour his sexist, perverted heart into his work. His mouth quirked in a small smile. BOROMIR (curiously): Does everybody's mouth do that? BORIS: Nah, it's just one of a Wheel of Time character's special quirks. “Not who I would have expected, Moiraine Sedai,” he said under his breath, TUMNUS: "I think I'm going to throw up." “but then, you never fail to surprise me.” BORIS: HA, HA, HA! JULES: Laaaaaugh, I thought I'd die! BOROMIR: Oh, Lan, you comedian! He withdrew his head, and the door closed behind him slowly, without a sound. JULES: Oh, God, is it finally over? Thank the Lord; I couldn't take much more of it. *Tumnus throws up* TUMNUS: I beg your pardon...*sniffle*...I couldn't help it. JULES: That's okay. You can go to bed when we get out of the theater, and meanwhile, I'll try and find out where Doivenya lives... *all exit* |
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1:27 AM Jul 11