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The Butler's Woman: the MST; Hopefully a troll or parody
Topic Started: Dec 18 2008, 11:53 PM (500 Views)
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
Disclaimer: Morgoth, Uruk-hai, Nazgul, Boromir, and everything else that has anything to do with Tolkien’s world belongs to the Tolkien Estates, and some belongs to New Line Cinema. Tumnus the faun and Narnia belong to C.S. Lewis and to the Disney Company. Boris the Nazgul belongs to Araiona Dubois. Chesterfield and Jules belong to me. Luna Lovegood belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, and Semirhage and the Wheel of Time series belong to the late Robert Jordan. MST3K belongs to Best Brains Inc. This story—or troll—belongs to the Battling Bard and was taken from fanfiction.net.


THEME SONG:

In the not-too-distant future
In a place untouched by man,
The evil dark lord Morgoth
Continued his nasty plan.
He’d kept the girl by the name of Jules:
His very first victim and one of the fools
Whom he’d sent to the Void for a bit of fun.
Now she’d have to suffer agony until her life was done.


JULES: It sucks, to tell you the truth.

I’ll send her awful fanfics (ooh ooh!)
The worst I can find! (la la la!)
She’ll have to sit and read them all
And I’ll monitor her mind (la la la!)
Remember Jules still can’t control
When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!)
She’ll have to keep her sanity
With the help of all her friends!


DAILY ROLL CALL!

LUNA! (IT WAS THE NARGLES!)
BOROMIR! (BLOODY RING!)
BORIS! (ME AGAIN!)
CHESTERFIELD! (SUES TASTE GOOD!)
TUMNUS! (WHY AM I STILL HERE?!)
JUUUUUUUUUUUULES! (THAT’S ONE “U”!)

If you wonder how this went on so long
And other useless facts (la la la!)
Just repeat to yourself it’s all a joke
You should really just relax–


MORGOTH: Did I tell you Semirhage is here?

For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000!


“I’m telling you, Luna, there’s just no competition,” argued Jules, slamming her fist on the table with irritation. “And if you ever somehow get stuck in central Ohio and try it, you’ll agree with me.”

“I don’t want to try it,” grumbled Luna, the vague look gone from her eyes. “I’ll stick with my Florean Fortescue, thank you very much. You can keep your Graeter’s and your black-raspberry chip and your nasty flavors like watermelon sorbet...”

“Nasty? What do you mean nasty?” interrupted Jules. “Black-raspberry chip is the best! I can’t believe it: Graeter’s makes only the best ice cream on the planet, and you want to just eat that weird stuff like…what were the combinations? Strawberry and peanut butter? Chocolate and red bean?”

“Chocolate and raspberry with chopped nuts!” snapped Luna, with more anger than seemed necessary in an argument about ice-cream brands.

“Cookie-dough chip!” sighed Jules, evidently reliving a sweet memory.

This quarrel might have gone on much longer if Chesterfield had not run into the room panting.

“Have you guys seen Tumnus?” he asked breathlessly.

The two young women looked at him blankly. With a good deal of effort, he prevented himself from bashing their heads in. Sometimes he actually wondered if they were Mary Sues.

“We’ve got to find Tumnus,” he insisted. “Semirhage’s sending us the next fic…”

“WHAT?!” yelped Luna, finally realizing what Chesterfield was talking about. “It’s Morgoth’s turn; she did it last time!”

“Well, he’s letting her do it again,” Chesterfield said grimly. “Something called ‘The Butler’s Woman,’ she said; it’s a Middle-earth Sue, and…”

“My God!” groaned Jules. “Another badfic barely TWO DAYS after the last one…are we ever going to get a rest?! Has Semirhage no sense of decency?!”

“Look, will you just let me come to the point?!” Chesterfield finally yelled, losing his patience. He calmed down and continued, “Tumnus is gone; since the last fic, he’s been acting really strange. The other day, he was muttering about ‘dying for a good cause’ and ‘freedom’…he’s probably going to do something desperate…”

Jules cursed as she jumped to her feet. “I’d better go off and try to find him,” she said briskly. “He can’t have left the Satellite; we would have known it if he had. So unless he’s gotten hold of Boromir’s or your swords, he must still be alive. I’ll get him back as fast as I can.”

She hurried out of the room—just as the lights started flashing.

“Jules!” called Chesterfield. “We’ve got fanfic sign!” It was too late; she was already out of earshot.

“Damn,” the orc said with a grimace. “I thought I was finally done with this…Luna, we’ll have to go in and help Boris and Boromir with the fic.”

Luna shivered even as she got up. “I hoped I’d never have to do this,” she muttered to herself, even as she followed Chesterfield, Boris, and Boromir into the theater.


Disclaimer: I can only lay claim to the ownership of Renweard, Eadestre, and Eadgifu.

BORIS: Hey, cool; new Muppets!
LUNA: “The Muppets Take Middle-earth”. I rather like the sound of that.


It was six years ago since I wilfully changed the course of my life forever.

CHESTERFIELD (deadpan): I went to my first anger-management class. I would never punch my boss in the gut again.

I was sitting in the depths of the Elven King's caves in the middle of a bleak winter.

BOROMIR: Oh, Iluvatar, it’s a Gary-Stu fic from Legolas’s point of view!
CHESTERFIELD: No, remember? Semirhage SAID it was a Mary Sue…
BOROMIR: Does it matter? It’s a fic set in Mirkwood! We’re doomed!


Outside, the temperature had plummeted to below freezing,

BORIS: Thanks to my handy-dandy thermometer from the future, I knew that right away.

the snow turning the usually dark and foreboding Mirkwood forest into a magical wonderland of shimmering white velvet.

LUNA (singing): Walking in a winter wonderland…
BOROMIR: Ah, snow: nature’s magic makeover.
CHESTERFIELD: When snow falls, even Mirkwood turns into Tingly-Wingly-Pixie-Wixie-Land.


I had wrapped myself in a multitude of cloaks and scarves to stave away the biting cold;

CHESTERFIELD: Damn; I’m betting Jack Frost’s gonna come walking out from the trees singing a Russian Christmas carol.
BORIS (Moufushka): “Bring on my fiancé…AND my dowry!”


even though we were deep in the caves, the cold still managed to penetrate the thick walls,

BORIS: What, are these caves made out of cardboard or something?
CHESTERFIELD: I guess Mary Sue’s actually on the set for “Eegah”.


and my breath was clearly visible in the air.

LUNA: It looked strangely like mustard gas.

On the table in front of me was a parchment bearing the seal

BORIS (gasp): Wolfgang!

and signature of the elven-king and my father, Renweard,

BOROMIR: Then what’s Mary Sue’s name, Frontward?
LUNA: “Renweard”, not “rearward,” Boromir. I think your English training’s getting in the way of your common sense.


a prolific horse dealer of Rohan, famed for the production of fine warhorses.

CHESTERFIELD: Ah, he’s a combination horse-dealer and horse-breeder, then.
BORIS: Yeah; thank Sauron his horse-factories made warhorse-production much cheaper and quicker.


Every winter, my father would make the long journey to Mirkwood

LUNA: Yeah, when the snows were deep and the roads were impassible. Clever, Renweard.
BORIS: What, didn’t you know the Rohirric invented snowmobiles?


with a selection of our finest colts and fillies in the hope of selling to the elves of Mirkwood.

BOROMIR: Of course his hopes were DASHED every time, but he was nothing if not persistent.

It was generally a very successful venture,

CHESTERFIELD: Since the elves always got tired of eating spider and loved roast horse stuffed with mushrooms and lembas crumbs…
BOROMIR (a little disgusted): Oh, Chesterfield!
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, shit; sorry. I’m projecting my appetite onto the story.


the king was generous with his money and quite delighted with our fine specimens,

BORIS: “Centipedes and bacteria and lichens and alien eggs with melted chocolate inside! Great!”

the end result of generations of selective breeding.

LUNA: Oh, so there IS a positive side to eugenics.
BOROMIR: Yes, if it delights the elves, why not?


Ever since I was a very small child, I had been desperate to visit the elves,

CHESTERFIELD (irritably): Just what is WITH this obsession with the elves?! “An Elf’s Love”. “Out of all the people in Middle-earth, I would want to be an elf.” “The wondrous creatures in the valley of Rivendell.” What’s the matter, Mary Sue: too good to want to visit the orcs?
BORIS (grumpily): Or the Nazgul?
BOROMIR (sneering): Or the Men of Minas Tirith?
LUNA: Look, you three: do you really want Mary Sues coming to visit you?
*everyone looks thoughtful and shakes his head*
BORIS: You’ve got a good point, there.


those wondrously magical and mythical creatures,

CHESTERFIELD: Those poncey, long-haired, fruity bags of bones who fight wars over jewels and flee from Middle-earth to Valinor like wimpy little…
*Boromir covers his mouth*


yet every year I had to content myself with my fathers tales of his latest adventures with the wood-elves.

BORIS (as Renweard): We went on a spider-hunt the next day. I was nearly killed by a particularly big one, but luckily the marchwardens saved me. After the hunt was done, we celebrated by getting drunk on lots of flasks of Dorwinion wine.
LUNA (as Mary Sue): Oh, daddy, that sounds wonderful! Why can’t I ever have a chance to get drunk and nearly get killed by giant spiders?


'One day Eadestre my child, when you are older and wiser, I shall take you with me

BOROMIR: “And lose you in Mirkwood so that you wander into Dol Guldur and die…”

and you shall see for yourself the beauty and majesty of the first-born.'

CHESTERFIELD (stupid voice): “But my big brother’s not beautiful and majestic; he’s ugly and stupid and…
BORIS (as Renweard): I meant the ELVES, you fool!
CHESTERFIELD (stupid voice): "Ohhhh, I get it!"


Personally, I would have preferred him to say nothing at all than persist in giving me tantalizing hints.

LUNA: It certainly would have made things better for us.
BOROMIR: Indeed; we wouldn't have had to read this!


At the head of the table sat the elven king, a crown of berries on his noble head.

CHESTERFIELD (shaking his head): I don’t care how kind and wise Thranduil really was; there’s no denying the fact that his fashion sense was fruitier than Hawaiian punch.

He was talking earnestly to my father regarding the ever increasing threat from the Necromancer's fortress of Dol Goldur.

BORIS (as Thranduil): Er, yes…you probably SHOULDN’T have taken your daughter along…the orcs and spiders have already eaten the horses you were bringing me…

I wished he wouldn't. Every time I heard-tell of that place, I got a cold feeling of dread in my stomach.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, geez, you were the one who insisted on coming along!
BOROMIR: Any father who would take his daughter into a dark, creepy forest inhabited by giant spiders and Sauron himself should be accused of child abuse. It matters not what protection the elves would give.


In the middle that macabre discussion,

LUNA: Horrified at being stuck in a Suefic, killed itself.

I looked up and saw what I presumed to be a servant,

CHESTERFIELD: It turned out he was really the king’s son Legolas…I found out the hard way after I asked him to draw a hot bath for me and he shot me in the leg.

bearing a silver tray of what appeared to be Dowinnion wine.

BOROMIR: “Dowinnion”? What’s that?
BORIS: Oh, that’s imitation Dorwinion. Its name sounds the same, but it tastes like crap.


I gasped quietly; he was the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes upon.

LUNA: Oh, God, here we go…Mary Sue meets beautiful elf; it’s love at first sight; in five minutes they’ll be snogging in a deserted corridor; in two days they’ll be having kinky sex in a spiders’ nest…
BORIS (aghast): Good Sauron, Luna.
LUNA: What? I’m getting too cynical?
BORIS: You’re getting too good at predicting these things.


I tried to focus on the conversation, yet I could not resist indulging in another look.

BOROMIR: Plus the elf was MUCH more interesting than the stupid, boring Necromancer in Dol Guldur.

The kings butler, Galion, stood as still as a statue behind his lord.

CHESTERFIELD (as Galion): Mmmf…look; can you tell me again why you didn’t just use a mannequin to model this cashmere sweater?

Lips tightened mischievously into dimples, curving up towards sharp cheekbones.

LUNA: Er, dimples aren’t attached directly to your lips, unless you’re a cartoon character.
BORIS: Am I the only one who’s picturing Marshie the Marshmallow from that description?


His thick black hair was held back by braids, and fell to to

CHESTERFIELD (Dorothy): Oh, don’t drown my little dog! I’ll do anything!
BORIS: No, I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be “tutu”.
LUNA: Isn’t “Too-Too” the name of the owl in “Doctor Dolittle”?


his waist in a waterfall of gleaming jet.

BOROMIR (groan): Is she joking?

He was intriguing and mysterious,

BORIS: Yeah, considering that you haven’t even MET the guy, no shit.

and I couldn't tear my eyes from him.

LUNA (groan): Oh, please!
BOROMIR: Is self-control THAT difficult?


Finally, he lifted his gaze to mine and smiled at me.

CHESTERFIELD (as Galion): Aw, mortals are so cute when they look stupid.

That was how it all started, with a beautiful, tremulous smile.

BORIS: My life immediately went downhill from there: I was stalked by rabid weasels from Pluto for the rest of my life.

It made me feel rebellious and reckless.

LUNA: It made me… (gasp)…not brush my teeth for five nights in a row!

It made my head spin and took my breath away.

BORIS (as Eadestre): Oh, fine, I admit it: I was dehydrated at the time. Man, you guys are no fun at all.

It made me think there was something else to life besides horses and family.

CHESTERFIELD: Um, we GET it, Eadestre. You don’t need to make us sick to get your point across.
BOROMIR (frustrated): SMILES DO NOT CHANGE YOUR OPINIONS.


From the moment that I met Galion,

LUNA: My brain fell out completely…tee-hee!

I was overcome by an overwhelming desire to rebel and change my life.

BORIS (bored voice): So I became a Scientologist.

For the last two weeks of my trip to Mirkwood, we spent every evening together.

BOROMIR: I can just imagine how those conversations must have gone.
LUNA (as Eadestre): Galion?
BORIS (as Galion): Yes?
LUNA (as Eadestre): Why are you the only elf in Mirkwood who seems to get drunk all the time?


I sat with him and his friends

CHESTERFIELD: Aw, that was kind of him and his friends: letting her tag along, despite the fact that they’d only known her for two goddamn weeks and barely spoken to her.

discussing politics, culture and the roles of men and women in our respective races.

LUNA: Oh, come on…
BORIS: What is this, “The Puzzle Place”?
BOROMIR (clutching his forehead): Would an uneducated woman from Rohan REALLY know words like “politics” and “culture”?!


Hundreds of leagues from home, cocooned deep in the caves,

CHESTERFIELD: I was waiting to turn into a butterfly. But for some weird reason, it just wasn’t happening.

I felt happier than I could remember.

LUNA (losing control): How?! She’s shut up in a cave in a creepy forest, near SAURON’S FORTRESS, with members of a race so much wiser and more beautiful than her that she’d probably feel like a monkey beside them! This isn’t Rivendell or Lothlorien!

I was with people whose main concern was to

BORIS: Sing dopey songs, get smashed every night on wine, and imprison dwarves?

battle the evil that threatened to overcome their joyous way of life.

BORIS: Oh.
BOROMIR: And that’s different from the concerns of the Rohirric how, might I ask?


The sort of things that consumed my time-

CHESTERFIELD: Masturbating, writing awful fanfics, cleaning up horse shit…the usual.

the struggle to find a husband before old age overcame youth,

LUNA: Oh, now I understand her attraction to the elves! Even after she turns sixty, she’ll still be young compared to them!

the endless stream of dirty stables to clean and horses to sell-

BOROMIR: Because that is ALL that the Rohirric do; there is NOTHING in their life besides horses and tasks related to horses.

seemed ridiculous here, it was a relief to be living a more simple life.

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, it was non-stop fun to spend all your time stuck in a cave with nothing to do.
BOROMIR: Except for feasting. And drinking wine. And listening to Elvish music. And listening to the wonderful tales of Middle-earth.
CHESTERFIELD (shudder): Whoa; that’s all worse than doing nothing!
BORIS (shaking his head): You can take the orc out of Mordor, but you can’t take Mordor out of the orc.


I didn't speak elvish,

LUNA: Oh, and to top everything off, you couldn’t even understand what they were saying!
BORIS: Maybe that’s why she was so happy.


but I believed I had stumbled upon the very essence of life,

BOROMIR: So I started drinking only Dorwinion wine from then on.
CHESTERFIELD (commercial): Dorwinion: the very essence of life.


and at the heart of it was the butler, Galion.

LUNA: Oh, great! The age-old question about the meaning of life has been answered: it’s Galion!
BOROMIR: Eadestre must be the most famous philosopher in history.


One night, we walked hand in hand to my room

BORIS (as Eadestre): Oh, Galion, I just can’t wait to show you my collection of different flavors of chewed gum…

and undressed without speaking.

*Pause*
CHESTERFIELD: Um…shouldn’t Galion be calling on Iluvatar to bless their union or something?
BOROMIR: I would hope he ASKED her first, at least!


He left his clothes neatly folded on a chair in the corner

LUNA: So Galion’s anal-retentive? What does that have to do with anything?

before climbing into bed and wrapping his arms around me.

BOROMIR: There is still some hope…he could just be trying to keep her warm…
BORIS (shaking his heads): Oh, right, and they’re also telling secrets.


Even through the thick walls,

CHESTERFIELD: What thick walls? She implied in the beginning that the elves lived in a wind tunnel!

I could almost hear the icy wind whipping through the trees,

BOROMIR: But most of the sound was drowned out entirely by Galion’s snoring…I told him to blow his nose before going to bed, but he wouldn’t listen…

but I was warm and safe inside.

BORIS (falsetto): Just like a fluffy, fuzzy bunny in a nest in a hollow tree.

From the moment we because lovers, we were a couple.

CHESTERFIELD: Sure, Eadestre. Whatever you say.
LUNA: No. Just…no.


I had been in Mirkwood for only ten days,

ALL: TEN DAYS?!
BOROMIR (throwing up his hands): What elves have sex after only ten days?! They court each other for years, or even centuries!
BORIS: I wonder if Eadestre realizes she’s married now.


but, like a lovesick girl,

LUNA (gag): Which, of course, you are…

I couldn't bear to be apart from him. A kind of madness had descended on me.

BOROMIR: Any more of this rubbish, and I’m going to descend on you with a sledgehammer, Eadestre!

When he sat next to me I breathed him in.

CHESTERFIELD: Now, I’ve inhaled cantaloupes before, but I gotta tell you: inhaling an elf has to be MUCH more painful.

He smelt of wind, pine and fresh mountain air.

BORIS: Owing to the fact that he bathed in Pine-Sol every morning.

I looked at him and saw salvation.

LUNA (sigh): Eadestre, I know you’re lovesick, but don’t you think you’re going just a LITTLE too far?
BOROMIR: Salvation from WHAT?


In bed one night, I ran my fingers over his silky white skin.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, great, here it comes…
BORIS: Ugh; purple, flowery sex scenes aren’t much better than trashy porn after all.


It was luminous, almost glowing in the dark of night.

LUNA (as Eadestre): Wow, Galion, when did you become battery-powered?

His body was perfectly sculpted, strong, immovable.

BOROMIR: Ah, he WAS a statue; he wasn’t just imitating one in the beginning.

I lingered over every flaw:

LUNA (gasp): He actually HAD flaws?
BORIS: In a story like this, it IS a shock.


the scar that bit deep into his right shoulder,

CHESTERFIELD: MMMMMM! *makes munching noises*

another above his eyebrow.

LUNA: Oh, he pulled a Georgia Nicholson and tried to shave his eyebrows, eh? What an idiot.

His life story was etched on his body.

BOROMIR (as Eadestre, reading): “I was born in Mirkwood…my father hunted giant spiders…my mother was a drunk; I inherited that from her…”

So many adventures and yet, when he slept,

CHESTERFIELD: He was really, really boring.

his face was peaceful.

BORIS: Of course when he woke up, he always got a horrified look on his face when he saw me. Then he ran screaming from the room.

He made me feel if I stayed with him, I would never be afraid again.

CHESTERFIELD: You know, we might be able to believe this more if you’d DESCRIBED Eadestre’s fears, maybe, or else explained WHY she felt that way.

And for the first time, my womb literally ached.

*Uproarious laughter*

I told him I wanted to have his baby.

BORIS: Oh, geez, this is like “Days of our Lives” set in Middle-earth!
LUNA (deadpan): Next they’ll agree, she’ll have a miscarriage, and Galion will become so upset that he’ll cheat on her with her best friend.


At first he didn't understand. Then he looked amazed.

CHESTERFIELD (as Galion): Whoa; I’ve met some pretty hasty Men over the years, but you take the cake…ten days, and already you’re thinking about motherhood!

He gently took my hand and nodded.

BOROMIR: “Anything for you, my love…only don’t be upset when I leave you and the baby and sail west to Valinor…”

Cerithon iest gîn, ” he whispered.

LUNA: Er…Boromir, you studied Sindarin, didn’t you? What’s he saying?
BOROMIR: I don’t remember any of the Sindarin I learned. I’m not sure I want to know what he’s saying, anyway.


Later that month, when it was time to go home, I found out I was pregnant.

BORIS (gasp): Wow, it’s a miracle! It worked!
LUNA: And she found out in less than a month!


I broke the news to him the night I was due to leave. “You are happy?” He said in that beautiful voice that sounded like music.

LUNA: WHAT beautiful voice that sounded like music?! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IT’S BEEN MENTIONED!

I nodded and smiled, a smile he returned in kind.

CHESTERFIELD: GAH! WHY do all these crappy Suefics have so much nodding and smiling in them?!
BOROMIR (shudder): So many horrible memories of Rosa…


Gell lîn nin echad meren

BORIS (grinning): Wouldn’t it be funny if he was saying something like, “I hate being married to you. I hope that you die”?
LUNA: Poor Galion. Usually it’s Thranduil and Legolas and Haldir who have to put up with Sues.


He whispered, gently stoking my face.

BOROMIR (as Galion): Sorry…you had lembas crumbs on your chin…there; they’re gone now.

I had no idea what he said, I had never been great shakes at languages,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah, they say “great shakes” all the time in Arda.

and had yet to learn one word of elvish.

BOROMIR: Oh, you mean with all your discussions about “politics” and “culture” of your separate races…*cough*…he never even bothered teaching you his language?!

I set of home the next day.

*Pause*
BORIS: I think “I set of home the next day” is gonna be my new catchphrase.


When I had broken the news to my father, I saw the disapproval on his face,

LUNA: Yes! Disown her, disown her!
CHESTERFIELD: No, then she’ll be wangsting for the rest of the fic and get rescued by her twu wuv…
LUNA: Well, disown her and toss her into the pits at Isengard, then!


quickly stifled by a kind smile,

BORIS: “Oh, isn’t that nice! I say, why don’t we take a walk down to the river, and you can go swimming with these big boulders I’m bringing along?”

“I am happy for you dearest,

BOROMIR: “Now get out of the house; you are no longer my daughter.”

I could think of no better father for my grandchild.”

CHESTERFIELD: Urgh.
LUNA: I think I would have preferred the father’s complete disapproval.
BOROMIR (sneer): Yes, this drunken butler would make a PERFECT father.


It was as if I had been sleepwalking and had suddenly woken up.

BORIS: It was as if I had been drinking, and had suddenly woken up with a hangover.
LUNA: It was as if I had been wandering aimlessly and talking to myself, and somebody had hit me in the head with a cricket bat.


We didn't discuss the long term but I knew I wanted his baby:

CHESTERFIELD: Of course, that all changed once I had it and had to change its diapers and raise it without any support from Galion.

the result of a chance encounter that would bind out ancestry together forever.

BOROMIR: Er…no. After all, you were the ones who slept together, not your ancestors.
BORIS: In elf-sex, there are NO CHANCE ENCOUNTERS.


When I was six months pregnant, I returned to Mirkwood

LUNA: Six months pregnant?! HOW?! There are no cars!! She would have had to travel ON HORSEBACK, through countryside INFESTED WITH ORCS…gah, WHERE is the bloody logic in this thing?!

to see if I cold forge a life with the father of my child.

BORIS (Gimli): The world is gray, the mountains old, the forge’s fire ashen-cold
CHESTERFIELD: We’re overrun by Mary Sues; that’s why we play the Arda blues.


Galion was waiting for me outside the magical doors.

LUNA (as Eadestre): Hello, Galion! I’ve come back; aren’t you glad to see me?
BOROMIR (as Galion): Er…who in Eru’s name are you?


It felt so strange to see him, as if I had stolen part of his soul and returned to the scene of the crime.

*everyone snorts with laughter*
CHESTERFIELD: I’ve said it many times, and I’ll say it again: ah, the power of cheese.
LUNA: The author of this fic must be a songwriter for a horrible student band.


Three months later, our daughter, Eadgifu, was born.

BOROMIR (whistle): What a name.
BORIS: I think she should have had Galion pick the name.


She looked so much like her father it scared me.

CHESTERFIELD: Yep, right down to the statuesque chest and the eight-inch penis.
LUNA (shiver): That WOULD be pretty scary.


A large mop of black hair covered her tiny head,

BORIS: While a small broom was attached to her back. Ha.
LUNA: Stupid.


her legs were long and her almond eyes were a sparling grey.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, elves have almond eyes now: interesting.
BOROMIR (incredulously): The author completely disregarded the most basic Elven custom and you’re commenting on the ALMOND EYES?


She was his miniature.

CHESTERFIELD: Eadgifu IS Mini-Me!

Since then, I have returned to Mirkwood with Eadgifu,

LUNA: This, of course, brought complete shame to my father; he was always talked about as the crazy old man who let his daughter run off with an elf to the elf-witch in the woods, and have a child out of wedlock, and become a stripper at a club in Caras Galadhon…forget that last one.

and Galion has been to stay at our farm.

BORIS: Eadgifu and I always laughed whenever he fell into the pig sty or got kicked in the head while trying to milk the cow; it was hysterical.

In Rohan, our worlds clashed like never before.

CHESTERFIELD: He couldn’t stand the smell of horse shit all over the place.

People gazed at him open mouthed when we visited the market,

BOROMIR (sigh): Dissembling of feelings is evidently not a strong point among the Rohirric.
BORIS: Nope.


causing his to squirm uncomfortably.

LUNA: His MOUTH to squirm uncomfortably?
CHESTERFIELD (as Galion): Oh, all these ugly, smelly Men around…I feel sick…must hold it in…I’m going to barf…


We have never been a couple in the conventional sense,

BORIS: What IS a couple in the conventional sense?
CHESTERFIELD: If you don’t invite extra people in every night to have threesomes and foursomes.
BORIS: Ah.


and marriage is out of the question

BOROMIR (throwing up his hands): Oh, for Iluvatar’s sake!
LUNA: Oh, don’t waste your breath trying to explain canon to a Suethor. They never listen.


and yet I have never regretted my decision to become a mother.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, except when Eagdifu threw up all over Thranduil’s lap.

Whenever I look at my daughter, I think of miracles.

BORIS: Jesus Christ walking on water, the parting of the Red Sea, the Democrats in the US Congress actually developing some balls…lots of miracles.

Galion and I may be hundreds of leagues apart, living different lives,

LUNA (sappy voiceover): We may be parted by the cruel hands of fate. Society may have doomed our lives. We may not ever be able to fulfill our dream of living together. But our love, our true pure love, will never die!

but Eadgifu will always bind us together.

BOROMIR: I should never have taught her how to tie such tight knots in rope…argh…

She is six now, and proudly tells her friends about her elven Daddy

*Silence*
LUNA: “Elven Daddy,” eh? That’s very Tolkienesque, I’d say.
BORIS: Oh, now we can make a sappy, heartwarming family movie that gets shown on the Hallmark Channel and makes shy teenage girls and housewives cry…set in Arda! We’ve already got a title for it!


and how he lives in the caves of Mirkwood serving the elven-king

CHESTERFIELD (perking up): Hey, cool! It’s a slash fic now! Bring on the porn and…
BOROMIR (covering his mouth): NO.


and killing Orcs in the forest.

LUNA: Yes, it’s a great change of pace to kill orcs in a forest instead of on a plain or in a fortress.

She is too young to understand how complicated love and life is,

BORIS (rolling his eyes): If it’s as complicated as it is in this fic, Eagdifu should be able to understand it when she turns eight.

but one day, when she is old enough, I hope she understands how precious she is.

BOROMIR: She’ssssss mine…my own…my preciousssssssss…
CHESTERFIELD: Meh, when she’s older, she’s probably going to wangst all the time about how she’s DIFFERENT from everyone else, and try to go to Mirkwood to find her father, and then get banged by Legolas…like mother, like daughter, after all.


Flame away beloved fans.

LUNA: What the…
BORIS: Oh, so this is a troll, then! Wait…Semirhage sent us a troll?!
CHESTERFIELD: Seriously, what the HELL was this?! Did she even look at the fic she picked out?!
BOROMIR: The romance was every bit as bad as the usual fare, so I’m not sure.
BORIS: But…the line at the end…it has to be fake…aw, hell, we’ll just yell at Semirhage when we get out of here…
*all exit the theater*



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