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MST: To Rule Them All [MST]; Evil!Sue is after the Fellowship!
Topic Started: Jan 23 2009, 06:19 PM (571 Views)
Caranthol
Member Avatar
At Journey's End
Title:MST: To Rule Them All
Author:Caranthol
Rating: PG-13 (may change)
Genre:Parody/Humor, original story General/Adventure
Text it is based on: Itarilde Sma Ash's (of ffnet) To Rule Them All.
Characters: Sporkers: Faramir, Eowyn, Pippin, Mouth of Sauron, Joachim Kraut and Katherina Sturm (OC's). The original story: Many of the LotR characters, Azra "the Evil!Sue"(OFC), some poor OC's who get killed right at beginning etc.
Summary: Azra, a peasant girl, is chosen by Sauron to be his slave master and later to try to ruin the Fellowship's Quest.
Warnings: General ignorance of canon, stupid plot, the usual badfic stuff.

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything in this story except my OC’s Joachim Kraut and Katherina Sturm. Azra the Evil!Sue, her family and the named Orcs belong to Itarilde Sma Ash of ffnet and the rest of the story characters and sporkers are the property of Tolkien Estates.

The prisoners exited the library to find Deusexmachina standing before them in the corridor. The Maia smiled:

“Well, nice to see you all are still sane. It wasn’t that bad after all, was it?”

Eowyn replied dryly:

“Aside from being the most infuriating, annoying and stupidest thing I ever have read, no. Where do you find all this crap?”

Deusexmachina laughed:

“I told you about ‘the internet’ just the other day, didn’t I? If I didn’t know better I’d say it was invented by Morgoth himself.”

Eowyn shrugged.

“Indeed. Now, what are you planning for us? Do you finally let us go home?”

The Maia wagged his finger:

“Not so hastily, Lady Eowyn. I haven’t had nearly enough fun yet. You will get a new fic shortly. But before that, I send you to vacation. How does a tropical island with mile-long beaches sound?”

The prisoners looked at each other with evident pleasure, even though they still felt a little suspicion towards the Maia’s motives. Kraut exclaimed:

“Now that’s what I would call fun! When are we going?”

The Maia replied carelessly:

“Oh, straight away, if you wish. No packing required, since you’ll have everything you need there.”

Seeing the hopeful looks of the prisoners he went on:

“But, there’s a catch. You will have two days to recover, and then I send you another fic. It is up to you if you want to read it on the island or here in the castle. I am a merciful master, after all.”

Kätchen broke in:

“A fic or no fic, just send us there already! I think I could use some sunbathing and a few cool drinks after that last atrocity we read.”

Deusexmachina nodded and clapped his hands twice. The surroundings of the prisoners were blurred in a colourful haze until they could not see anything.

------

When their vision cleared they saw they were on a wide beach of white, fine sand, their faces towards blue, endless ocean. The sky above them was clear and stunningly blue. They breathed the warm air with enjoyment and then turned to explore their surroundings. They found that there were four small bungalows just behind the beach. The houses stood on a patch of green, tended grass and were shaded by a group of tall palm trees. Behind the bungalows loomed a dark, impenetrable jungle.

They walked towards the bungalows and saw Deusexmachina already waited them, sitting on a garden chair and sipping a drink with a little umbrella in it. The Maia lazily rose from the chair and greeted the group:

“So, how do you like it here?”

Pippin answered:

“Oh, it is wonderful! I’ve never seen any place like this.”

The others joined Pippin in voicing their approval, but Mouth of Sauron stood apart, shifting his feet surlily. The Maia asked him:

“Mouthy, old boy, what’s the matter? Surely this is better than Mordor!”

Mouth glanced at him coldly and replied:

“That’s a matter of personal taste, but couldn’t you have sent us somewhere cooler? My black robe isn’t exactly the best garment for this climate.” He suddenly paused, noticing he actually had admitted being so weak as to suffer from the heat. To mend matters, he waved his hand indifferently and said in a nonchalant fashion:
“Not that I care one way or the other.”

The Maia, seeing through him, said:

“Well, then you obviously don’t care about the holiday clothes I’ve put in your bungalow. I think I’ll make them disappear, then, so they won’t take too much room.”

Mouth grimaced:

“Nah, just let them be. I could give them a try, just to see if they are comfortable.”

Deusexmachina grinned and proceeded to explain which bungalow was for whom. Eowyn and Faramir, as well as Kraut and Kätchen, obviously shared one, while Pippin and Mouth both got to have one of their own. When that was settled, Deusexmachina said:

“So, I’ll leave you for now. There’s everything you need, food, furniture and so on. I will return at two days hence to hear if you want to read the next fic here or in the castle. Have fun, my friends!”

With that, he leaped in the air, speeding upwards faster than an eagle. When he was as high as to be barely seen, the prisoners saw a burst of purple, green and light blue fire and heard a sharp bang, like from a New Year’s rocket. Faramir laughed:

“Whatever can be said of him, he sure knows how to make a dramatic exit!” He turned towards the others:
“So, let us see what he has prepared for us. I am sure this will be in any case better than the draughty castle.”

They examined the bungalows and found that each of them was equipped with a kitchen, supplies and even bar. The bedrooms were large and comfortable with full furniture. After they had admired everything Kraut and Kätchen decided to go to swim and Eowyn and Faramir retired to change their attire. Only Pippin and Mouth stood on the lawn now and the hobbit nudged Mouth, saying:

“So, I’m going to put something comfortable on and take a stroll on the beach. How about you?”

Mouth coldly replied:

“None of your bloody business, midget!”

He turned away and strode to his bungalow, leaving Pippin standing and muttering:

“I just tried to be nice…”

------

After a quarter of an hour Kraut and Kätchen were already in the water, swimming and occasionally splashing water on each other. It was at the moment when they were engaged in this activity when Faramir and Eowyn appeared, carrying pillows and folding chairs. They were clad in swimsuits that had short pantlegs and sleeves and covered all of their bodies up to their necks, whereas Kraut wore only swimming shorts and Kätchen had bikinis. The two pairs stared at each other for a while, and then Eowyn exclaimed:

“Why are you in only undergarments? Didn’t Deusexmachina provide you with proper outfits?”

Kätchen laughed:

“Oh, you have misunderstood! These are normal swimsuits, but you look like you had been snatched from a hundred-year-old fotograph.”

Faramir answered:

“Be that as it may, you look quite… indecent, begging your pardon.” He shrugged.
“But well, who am I to judge your manners? Each to his own.”

He and Eowyn set the chairs and sat on them, leaning back and relaxing. Faramir read a book while Eowyn took a little nap. After a while, however, she was awakened by Kraut’s laughing exclamation:

“Well, well, look who’s here, too! Mr. Mouthy, I never thought you could look so gentlemanly.”

Eowyn and Faramir turned in their chairs and saw Mouth striding towards them. They didn’t recognize him at first, however. Instead of his black robe he now wore a light grey tropic suit, complete with jacket, neatly ironed trousers and a black tie. His grey hair was covered by a stylish panama hat, and on his feet he had white leather shoes. Hearing Kraut’s greeting, he scoffed:

“Nor will you, boy, after we are back in the castle.” He straightened his tie and went on:
“Though, I must admit this is very comfortable. I had already forgot how hot black can be. It is ages since I last lived in Umbar, you know.”

He set the chair he was carrying down, sitting on it and opening a book. Its cover read: “Norman Mailer: The Castle In The Forest.” Before he could concentrate on it, however, Kraut addressed him again:

“Why don’t you swim? The water is wonderfully refreshing.”

Mouth raised his cold eyes and replied dryly:

“Do you really want to see me nearly naked?”

Seeing the grimaces of Kraut and Kätchen he chuckled:

“I guessed as much.” Then he took a comfortable poise and began to read. After a while he was heard muttering:

“I wonder who this fellow named ‘Devil’ is? He seems to know a trick or two.”

------

They spent the two holidays like this, swimming, sunbathing and having good time in general. At the morning of the day of Deusexmachina’s return they had a vote in Pippin’s bungalow and decided to remain on the island, Mouth of Sauron being the only one to vote in favour of returning to the castle. After the result was clear they heard the door opening and saw the Maia standing on the doorway. Deusexmachina smiled when Faramir told him of their decision.

“Very well. I already thought you would remain here, so I put a special theatre house next to Mouthy’s house. Be there at noon.”

He was about to go, but Pippin asked:

“What kind of fic are we going to read this time?”

Deusexmachina replied over his shoulder:

“Oh, this time it’s about the deeds of Sauron’s top servant.”

Mouth asked, evidently flattered:

“I guess that means me?”

His smile vanished, however, when he saw the flicker in Deusexmachina’s eyes when he replied:

“Let us just say that it will be quite interesting.”

At noon they were in the theatre, drinking cold lemonade and conversing in low voices. They had not long to wait before the first words appeared on a large screen.


------

To Rule Them All by Itarilde Sma Ash

Faramir (deadpan): Methinks that story title must be the zenith of originality.

The story of Sauron’s slave master.

Mouth: I still say it’s me.
Eowyn: I hope so, too.
Mouth: How so?
Eowyn: Because then I could laugh at the treatment you get from Itarilde.
Mouth: Oh, bite me.


Discovered by Sauron in the Second Age, a peasant girl

All (stare.)
Mouth: Oh, never mind, it’s NOT me.
Pippin: If you ask me, she probably is Leiawyn’s foremother or something like that.


is transformed into the most powerful woman in Middle Earth.

Kraut (baffled): Oh, so Galadriel is Sauron’s creation? I thought Saruman was the only traitor.

She proves a formidable opponent to the Fellowship three thousand years later. A characterization f

1. Sauron’s Slave Master

(A.N. This story is about Azra. I will diverge significantly from the canon,

Kätchen: Oh, really?

so you have been warned. I know the differences are there and it's to further Azra's character, not the plot.

Faramir: That’s ominous.

I ask you to take it as more of a characterization fic than a fic about LotR.

Eowyn: If so, stop messing with Arda and write your bloody Sue to some other setting!

Thank you.)
I was not born evil.

(Laughter.)
Pippin: She’s in denial. There’s no way a Sue won’t be evil from the moment of her birth.


But then again, no one is born truly evil.

Kraut: Well, according to Martin Luther, every human being is inherently stained with evil. Just look at the history and you’ll see that he indeed has a compelling case.

I was born in the year 3416 of the Second Age in a village on the edges of Mordor. Mordor was not then what it is now.

Kätchen (deadpan): At that date, it was a huge amusement park.
Pippin: Too bad Ar-Pharazon put it out of business.


It was a wasteland where not even the bravest men would venture.

Faramir: And exactly how is that supposed to differ from present day?

The mountains were high and there was little water. We had all that we needed at the foot of the mountains and it was a good life.

Eowyn: Except for some minor details like raiding Orcs, poisonous fumes coming from Mordor and stuff. Yeah, it was pretty good life.

I have long since forgotten my parents’ names,

Mouth: Hmm, she does have some similarities with me.

but I was their first child. They named me Azra after the mighty goddess of war.

Pippin: Huh? The Vala of war and combat is Tulkas! And he’s a male.
Kraut: As is Oromë, the other Vala concerned with war.
Kätchen: Not to mention that in almost any pantheon a goddess of war would be just stupid.


It was an ironic name for I was far from warlike. After eight years, Katu and Angath had been born. Life settled into a gentle routine. Then came my eighteenth year.

Kraut: And you got the legal right to buy booze. From that point on, everything went downhill for some reason.

“Katu, help your sister with that washing. She cannot carry it all by herself,” my mother said. Fourteen year old Katu grudgingly got up and helped me with the load I was carrying.
“Next time it is Angath’s

Mouth: By the way, did Gondorians give their children such names as Katu or Angath?
Faramir: Angath, maybe, and I emphasize maybe. Katu, no way.


turn,” she mumbled as we walked out to the pond.
“You complain too much,” I said.
“Don’t you ever want to go out with father and hunt? Or climb trees?

Pippin: Too bad you are born a girl. Just face it.

Washing is so dull,” she said.

Eowyn: Yes, but I highly doubt you would like to go around in clothes that smelled like shit.

“Why would you want to do any of that? Climbing trees does nothing to keep a house in order,” I said. Katu sighed.
“Don’t you ever want any adventure?” she asked.
“Adventure means something bad is happening,”

Pippin: Methinks her attitude is admirable, very hobbit-like, I must say. Is she surely the main character in this?

I told her, dumping the clothes into the pond.
“You accept too much, Azra,” she said.

Mouth (as Azra): If too much means accepting my role as a woman of my class, time and culture, then yes, I maybe am accepting too much.

“Your time will come,” I said. We settled into silence as we did the washing. I marveled at my sister’s interest in conquering the world.

Faramir: Beware, Sauron! Forget Saruman or the Numenoreans, your deadliest rival is a fourteen-year-old girl!

I had never had any interest in leaving the village. Hunting was for the men and climbing trees was for little boys.

Kraut: Hell yes!
Kätchen: Ever so sexist, Joachim?


What I did not see then in Katu was her spirit. A spirit that made her beautiful. All I saw then was childish silliness.

Eowyn: It may be your eyes have grown weaker since then.

We fished the clothes out of the pond and carried them back to the cottage. Katu immediately went back in, leaving me to hang the wet clothes on the line.

Mouth: Katu, that lazy bitch!

As I was working, I looked up into Mordor. I saw something strange. Smoke was rising from behind the mountains. For as long as I could remember, nothing even moved in Mordor. I shrugged it off. It had been a dry summer. Perhaps some trees had caught fire.

Faramir: Trees? In Mordor? Wherever you have been taught about Mordor they taught you badly.

I finished my work and went inside, not giving it a second thought.
“Did you finish all the washing?” Mother asked.
“Yes and it is hanging just as you asked,” I said.
“Katu, help me with supper. Azra, go find Angath. I have not seen her all day,” Mother said.
“Yes,” I said and went back outside. Angath had a gift for wandering off when no one was looking. She was perfectly silent sometimes, a rare trait for a twelve year old. I looked up at the mountains again as I went looking for my littlest sister. The smoke was still there. If anything, it had moved.

Eowyn: Because that’s the way smoke generally is. Or has Sauron invented a smoke that wind cannot move?

I focused on it nearly the whole way to the stable. I tripped over a few roots on the way.
“There you are,” I said. Angath was petting one of the horses.
“He was lonely,” she said.
“I’m sure. Tell him you’ll be back after supper. Mother is looking for you,” I said, shooing her out.
“Why is there smoke?”

Kraut (deadpan): ’Cause Sauron decided to throw a marijuana party. That’s why.

she asked when we got a clear view.
“I don’t know. I think some trees caught fire,” I said.
“Trees don’t make that color smoke,” she said.
“What color smoke do they make?” I asked, not really believing her.
“That is black smoke. Trees make white smoke,” she said.

Kätchen: Wrong. Wet wood makes nearly black smoke, dry makes grey smoke.
Kraut: Maybe Sauron is testing white phosphorus bombs, or something.


“I’m sure it is nothing,” I told her. “Black or white it is not our concern.”

Pippin: I am not sure if that comment was racist or the opposite.

She didn’t look convinced, but did not press the issue. Supper passed quietly as did the rest of the evening. It was just like every other night in our home. At least, that was how it seemed.
I woke just before dawn to screaming. It was a terrible sound.

Mouth (as the Nazgul): Hello! We came to a surprise visit!

I nearly had to cover my ears. I got up out of bed and went looking for my sisters. Katu and Angath came running out of their room with their hands over their ears.
“What’s happening?” Katu asked.
“I have no idea,” I said. Mother and Father came out of their bedroom. We all headed for the door and looked out.
People were running everywhere. The other end of the village was burning. A sea of grotesque creatures were running people down and slaughtering them. I was rooted to my spot.

Faramir: Wow, and I thought only Ents could get ‘treeish’.
Eowyn: Well, she probably has the intelligence of a vegetable anyway.


War had come to our village. A war that would change my life forever.

Pippin: Insert ominous drum roll here.
Kraut (drums a little table with his palms.)


“Take the children and run,” Father said to Mother. She nodded and pulled the three of us out of the house. Father went to meet the beasts head on with the other men of the village. I did not see it, but I know he died quickly.

Mouth: Which statement was made with as much emotion as writing a shopping list.
Kätchen: Damn she’s cold!


The beasts were faster than we had anticipated. They were upon us almost as soon as we got out the door. They caught Angath first. Mother grabbed her and one killed them both with one stroke. I screamed and Katu grabbed onto me.

Faramir: And one of the Orcs killed them both with one stroke.
Eowyn: I’m sensing a pattern here.


“Come on,” she said. We were almost to the end of the village when another caught Katu. I tried to wrestle her away from it, but it was no use. I closed my eyes as it killed her. I began running again and prayed to whatever god was listening to spare me. I tripped in a hole and went crashing to the ground. That was when I saw him.

Kraut (gasping): She saw Jean van Damme?
Kätchen: I’ll say it was Steven Seagal. He would kick the Orcs’ ass better.


He stood nearly nine feet tall with full battle armor. His helmet alone looked to be as long as my arm. He wielded a mighty mace and on his right hand was a ring.

Kraut (disappointed): Oh, it was just Sauron.
Mouth: Nah, He would never have led a pathetic village raid in person.
Kraut: In badfics, he does.


I closed my eyes and waited for the killing blow, but it did not come. Instead, he stood over me and stared at me.
“What is your name?” he asked in a resonant voice.
“A...a...zra,” I stuttered. He held out his hand and I took it. He helped me up.

Pippin (sarcastically): Those evil guys sure are gentlemen. They may kill you but first they help you stand up.

I was terrified that at any second he would kill me.

All: Please do, Sauron.

“Go to the Black Gate. The orcs will not hurt you,” he said. I had no idea where the Black Gate was and I was not about to ask. He seemed to be reading my thoughts.
“Dror! Gimbrakh! Take her to the Gate,” he said. Two of the beasts came over and took me by my arms.

Kätchen: And then they danced to some country music.
Kraut (as the Orcs, singing): I'm a country boy, I've got a 4 wheel drive
Pile in my bed, I can take ya for a ride
Up city streets, down country roads
I can get ya where you need to go
Cause I'm a country boy…


They were even more horrifying up close. I wished he hadn’t ordered them to take me.

Eowyn: I think he will wish just the same when he sees how useless you are.

“As you wish, Master,” one said. They led me out of the village and toward Mordor. As I looked up, I could see the smoke was gone. Soon I would see what other things lay in the land of Mordor and begin my journey.
Mordor smelled of sulfur and ash. At first it was nearly overpowering. I had to suppress several gags. Dror, the smaller one on my left, heard me.
“You’ll get used to the smell,” he said.

Faramir: Knowing the habits of Orcs, I highly doubt they will give her time to do that.

I nodded and took a deep breath.
“Tell those lazy maggots on the Gate to let us in,” he said to Gimbrakh. Gimbrakh took out his horn and let out a low trumpet. We waited a few seconds and the gigantic gate lurched open. It took hardly anything for the three of us to get in comfortably.

Pippin: If they opened the whole bloody gate, those three obviously were the size of whales.
Mouth: Yeah, we had quite a few side-doors. No use to open the parade entrance for every single messenger and such.


“What’d you bring her in for?”

Faramir (as Gimbrakh): Ya know, the food supplies haven’t been too good lately.

an orc on the other side said when he saw me.
“Lord Sauron told us to bring her ‘ere and we ‘ave. Jus’ followin’ orders,” Gimbrakh said.
“Take her up then,” he said. That’s when I saw it. Barad-dur stood about a mile away.

Kätchen: So Itarilde writes about a Lilliput version of Mordor? Interesting.
Mouth: If my memory serves me right, some seventy miles would be about right.


It was the most imposing thing I’d ever seen in my life and it would be my home for the next three millennia.

Pippin: Well, I say that’s taking the saying ‘my home is my castle’ way too literally.
Faramir: At least the chapter is over, let’s get out of here. Master Mouth, Peregrin, how about a game of cards?
Mouth: Sounds good.
Pippin: Oh, any time.
(All exit.)
"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz!
Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße.
Im Feuer mich baden!"
- Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two.
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Caranthol
Member Avatar
At Journey's End
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

2.War and Armies

Mouth: Hmm, this begins to sound exciting.

I sat in the throne room of Barad-dur for what seemed like hours. Periodically orcs walked through, but never spoke to me. I supposed they never saw a human before. Either that or they knew something I didn’t.

Faramir: They knew you were a Sue.

I was fully expecting to be executed when Lord Sauron, as I had heard him referred to, returned. It was nearly midday before he returned.
He was still in the armor, but had no weapon.

Eowyn: And we should remember that. It will assuredly be a major plot point.

I stood up, not knowing what else to do.

Pippin: Perhaps scream in terror, beg for mercy or do anything else that would make you seem less a zombie and more of a human! Sweet Eru, doesn’t this girl have any sense or emotions?

“Sit down, Azra,” he said. I did as I was told.
“Are you going to kill me?” I asked.
“Kill you? No. I have a better use for you,”

Kraut: Uh oh, this is beginning to sound bad.

he said, sitting in his throne. I was confused.
“A better use?”
“Do you not know that you are beautiful?”

Kätchen: This definitely sounds bad.

he said.
“Beautiful?” I repeated.

(Laughter.)
Mouth: She’s no girl, she’s a parrot!
Kraut: I just wait that she starts to scream: “Piasters! Piasters!” Where’s Long John Silver, by the way?


“Look here,” he said, holding out a round stone. I looked into it.

Kätchen: And because it was a palantir, your feeble mind burned to ashes in a second.

Looking back at me was a girl with long black hair and watery green eyes.

Faramir: To give Itarilde some credit, this is a bit more creative way to describe Azra’s looks to us than just writing it out in the firs paragraph.

I smiled and so did she. I was looking at myself clearly for the very first time.

Eowyn: Obviously the water in the pond behind your house was pretty muddy, then. (A pause.) Wait, what was the point of washing clothes in it then?
Pippin: I am going to think that what she saw was just a delusion created by Sauron. He’s not nicknamed “the Deceiver” in vain, right?


“I want to make you the master of my slaves,” he said.

Kraut (amazed): He said… Just like that? What the hell is going on?
Mouth: I don’t know who this guy is but he’s not Sauron! Hell, even I, powerful as I am, had to climb the promotion ladder just like everyone else.


“You have slaves?”

All (facepalm.)
Kätchen: Sweet Jesus, and this is a characterization fic? You must be shitting me, Itarilde! That girl is dumber than a plastic duck!
Kraut: In fact, I think even plastic ducks would be offended if they were compared to her.


By this point I was surprised he hadn’t killed me.

Eowyn: Join the club, Azra.

I sounded like an idiot even to myself.

Faramir (deadpan): Oh, really? Methinks she rivals even the wise of the Eldar.

“My orcs are my slaves. They were once elves. I captured them and made them into what you see today.

Pippin: Now even Sauron is a dumbass! It was Morgoth, not Sauron, who made the Orcs.
Mouth: Not to mention it happened thousands upon thousands years before that wench had even been thought of.


Now, I want to pass on that duty to you,” he said.

Kraut: Well, that’s kind of logical. She’s a Sue, so who could be better turning creatures evil?

“I have no idea how to capture elves.

Kätchen (deadpan): Try a line and a hook.
Faramir: Or a flyswatter.


I don’t even know where to look. I cannot use a sword or bow,” I said.
“I will teach you and you will be their master,” he said. “Or you will die. That is the choice I give you.”

Mouth: Read my lips, Itarilde: Sauron. Does. Not. Give. Choices. If he was not sure Azra was up to the task she would’ve been dead from the moment he first saw her. And there’s no bloody way He would ever have thought that this girl could be of any use, much less the head of his slaves.

“Then I will do it,” I said. Anything was preferable to death even if it meant catching and torturing some of the most beautiful creatures in Middle Earth. It was my life or theirs.

Eowyn: Whoa, she’s fast at deciding! No inner turmoil, no doubts if death would still be better, no nothing.
Pippin: Well, Azra’s got some logic there, but written in this way it just seems she’s just plain cruel. So much for the sweet family girl, then.


“I will teach you the ways of the sword

Mouth (frowning): Again, Itarilde: Sauron does not waste time in training his higher servants. Either you are already able and qualified for the job, or then you are not. And the latter is not an option.
Kraut: And I thought the boss in my summer job was bad…


and give you this,” he held out his hand. In his palm was a ring.

Faramir: Erm, Sauron, isn’t it a bit early to propose? You have known barely for a day.

It had a large white stone in the center and silver ropes encircling the top of the ring.

Kätchen: And a pretty big ring it was, if it was ornamented with ropes.

I took it.
“It will be known as Azra Naz and you will never take it off,” he said. I nodded. It was the twenty first ring of power and second only to the power of the One Ring.

All (groan.)
Kraut (banging his head in the back of his chair): I knew this! I so knew this!
Faramir (with darkening face): Doesn’t this author know anything? There were twenty Rings. There were no extra super-duper rings to be handed to random girls!
Eowyn (worriedly): My love, calm down. You should watch your blood pressure.
Kätchen: With all these extra rings in these badfics one would think they were sold in cheap vendor machines or something.


“Thank you, my lord,” I said softly.
“Tomorrow I will teach you to use a sword. For now you rest,” he said. He pointed to a spiral staircase. I walked up it and into a room. It was remarkably comfortable looking for the tower.

Pippin: ‘Cause Sauron had furnished it just for the occasion he’d find a Mary Sue to live in it. Or perhaps not.

From the window I could see most of Mordor. Mount Doom bubbled and spat fire occasionally directly across from me. Taking one last look out, I crawled into the bed and went to sleep.

Eowyn: She really is a cool fish. I am sure as hell that after seeing my family being killed and after having a job interview with Sauron the same day I couldn’t even close my eyes.

One thing about Mordor, the sun never rises. It is always covered by cloud and ash. It is like living in a constant rainstorm only without the rain.

Kraut: Like, living in a… er…. duststorm?

A dark place for a dark lord. The only reason I woke up was a loud banging on my door sometime the next day.
“Lord Sauron wishes to see you,” Dror said when I opened the door.
“I will be there in a minute,” I said.
“And he sends this. It is for practicing,” the orc handed me a mass of cloth. It was red robes in the softest fabric I’d ever felt.

Mouth (sarcastically): Yeah, right! We definitely had some bloody silk factories in Mordor. To hell with building armies and weapons, let’s make some damned cloth so that the useless wench is comfy!
Pippin (grinning): Come on, you are just jealous because you missed the spotlight.
Mouth (glances at Pippin with eyes full of icy spite and hatred.)
Pippin (cowers.): Hey, it was just a joke!


“Thank you,” I said. He gave a nod and lurched back down the stairs. I changed and walked to the throne room. Sauron was waiting for me. He still stood at his full height, but he looked like a man.

Kätchen: As opposed to what?
Kraut: A drag queen?


Behind him stood nine black hooded figures.
“Who are they?” I asked.
“These are the Naz-gul. They are my most loyal servants. They will teach you to fight,” he said.

Faramir: Oh boy, methinks the lesson will be short and painful.

“Take this.” He held out a sword. When I grabbed it, it nearly pulled me over. I had to use both hands just to lift it.

Eowyn (laughing scornfully): What a sissy! I can’t believe she’s supposed to be a peasant, if she can’t even lift a sword. How can she work on the fields?
Pippin: I begin to wonder what exactly does Sauron see in her?
Mouth (sarcastically): But she’s, lyke, so beautifulll!!!111eleven! As if my Master ever had cared for such petty things.


“Soon it will be lighter,” he said. “You will see.” I had no choice but to trust him. If I didn’t, I knew I would be dead.

Kraut: Er, correct me if I am wrong, but wouldn’t trusting Sauron in the first place lead more probably to death? Gorlim, anyone?

He turned to the Wraith closest to him.
“Show her the old ways,” he said.

Kätchen (as Sauron): Ya know, just kill her.

I tried not to show my fear. I had a feeling the old ways were going to be painful.

Faramir: We can only hope so.

“Yes, my lord,” he replied. Sauron left, leaving me staring at the nine.
“Strike me,” the Witch King said. I swung the sword and contacted his blade. He quickly knocked it out of my hands.
“Pick it up,” he said. I did as I was told. It went on like that for hours. I would strike and he would knock my sword down.

Eowyn: Frankly, that is quite useless method. How about you taught her something about the poises, use of feet and all that jazz before going into serious business?
Pippin: Not to mention that if the sword was so heavy, she surely was worn out for days after many hours’ session.


Eventually, I learned to move with him when he tried to disarm me. It progressed like that for days. They would teach me one thing by repetition and move on to something else. They would take turns testing me on what I had learned.

Kraut: Yeah, there was a big war going on with the Last Alliance and all and what did the Nazgûl do? Ride into the battle? Lead the Orc armies? Nah, they taught a peasant girl to use a sword!
Kätchen: No wonder Sauron lost.


True to his word, my sword got lighter the more I fought. I began to enjoy the daily training sessions. Three weeks after my initial lesson, I disarmed one of the lesser Naz-gul.

Faramir: Sue-sign number fifty-two: She learns to fight even the Nazgûl in three weeks.
Mouth (sneering): In reality, it would taken her at least three weeks just to learn how not to shit in her pants from fear every time she even glanced at a Wraith. Damn it, even I was a bit uncomfortable around them at first!


“Good, very good,” the Witch King said. “You are learning.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Soon you will be ready,” he said.
“Ready for what?”

Kraut: Piasters! Piasters!

I asked.
“Ready to begin your task. Lord Sauron is building an army, but he needs more. He needs you to bring him more,” he said.
“What sort of an army is he building?”

Kätchen (as the Witch King): Well, some five Army Groups, complete with ten Panzer Corps, support and communication formations and a few divisions of Waffen-SS… Oops, wrong plan! Yeah, now this is it: Just amass a shitload of Orcs and launch them against Gondor in chaotic hordes. Simple enough, huh?

“An army to conquer the world of men and elves. An army of ten thousand must be ready to fight in two weeks time,” he said.

Pippin: Two weeks? Methinks Sauron should learn something about logistics.
Kraut: Hey, even Count von Wallenstein formed an army of fifty thousand from scratch. And it took, what, less than two months? And that in 1620’s and in a war-ravaged country to boot. Sauron shouldn’t have had even that much difficulty.


“And I am in charge of readying that army?” I said slowly.
“Yes,” he said. “You are the master of the slaves. You will create the army of Mordor.”

Faramir: Seems the higher evil bosses should already start to make escape plans. That cannot end well.

It was a daunting prospect. I knew nothing of war.

All (facepalm.)
Eowyn: Oh, Eru! Somehow Sauron and his servants don’t seem to be much of a threat in this fic.
Pippin: Maybe this is an attempt to explain his defeat.


I had barely learned to use a sword. Now it was my job to build the largest army in the history of Middle Earth.

Mouth: Wrong. Ten thousand is little compared to what great Melkor could set forth in his days of power. Hell, a hundred thousand Orcs was only one army amongst many!
Faramir: Yeah, and Numenorians also would have laughed at that claim.


But I looked upon it as my duty. Sauron had spared my life. I would give him his army.

Eowyn: Talk about misplaced gratitude. Damn, I hope he does his usual trick and double-crosses you, Azra. Then we’ll see again if you ought to feel any obligations towards him.

“Where will I go to find more?” I asked.
“That is up to Lord Sauron. He will send you when it is time,” he said. I was eager to change the subject.
“One more?” I asked, drawing my sword. I could not see his face, but I suspect the Witch King was smiling.

Mouth: The Sue is doomed. The only times I saw the Witch-King being amused was when he was about to kill or torture someone.

The first time I went down into the dungeons of Barad-dur will be forever etched in my memory.

Kraut: Don’t worry, Azra. They can neatly remove tattoos with laser nowadays.

It was where Sauron created his orcs, vile creatures that they were, but highly effective killing machines. Dror and Gimbrakh, the two that had brought me into Mordor, led the tour.

Kätchen (as Dror): And now Mordor’s greatest sight: The torture cellar. Feel free to take photographs!
Pippin (as Gimbrakh): And don’t forget to leave some tip money for us!


“We keep the ones we ‘aven’t quite finished yet over there,” Gimbrakh pointed to a door on the far side of the dungeon.
“The new ones are over ‘ere,” he said. A line of orcs stood on the opposite side of the dungeon, awaiting inspection.
“And the fresh ones are in the tank in the back,” Dror said.

Kraut: Tank? Why, I never knew Sauron had mechanized troops!
Mouth: Nor did I, rest assured.


“Lord Sauron left instructions for you to be in charge down here. They’re only to take orders from you,” Gimbrakh told me.
“Who was in charge?” I asked.

Pippin: Barliman Butterbur, judging from badfic!Sauron’s ability to choose his servants.

“Sauron himself did inspections, but he’s left that to you,” Dror said.
“But I don’t know what to look for in an orc,” I said.
“We’re ‘is finest,” said Gimbrakh.
“So I am to look for ones like you?”
“Orcs are fierce, ruthless, and no good in the daytime,” Dror said.

Faramir: Uh, that actually sounds like inability to stand sunlight is a good thing.
Eowyn: Logic. Something money can’t buy.


“You can’t stand light?” I asked.

Mouth (exasperated): Stop repeating every damn line you hear! If you haven’t anything intelligent to say keep your trap shut!

“‘Urts our eyes somethin’ terrible. We can’t see anythin’ in sunlight,” Gimbrakh explained. “Go on, ‘ave a look at the new ones.”

Kätchen: Seems a severe speech impediment is also one of requirements to be a good Orc.

I looked at the line of about twenty of them. I took a deep breath and approached the first one. He looked like Dror with pointy ears and bluish skin.
“Open your mouth,” I said. He complied and I got a good look at a set of razor sharp teeth.

Kraut: Oh, how I hope she got cut and died from painful infection…

I grabbed his chin and looked at either side of his face. His skin was slimy in my hand. He didn’t react as I gave him a looking over. Sauron must have made himself abundantly clear that I was to be obeyed.
“This one is acceptable,” I said.

Pippin: And you know it how? Shouldn’t there be some field tests or something?
Faramir: The motto of Mordor Army: “If it’s ugly, it’s adequate.”


Dror nodded to Gimbrakh and sent the orc over to be fitted for armor. They followed me the entire way down the line as I inspected each of them. No two of them looked the same, contrary to my original assumption. Dror would later explain that different kinds of elves produced different orcs.

Eowyn: Actually, that was due to different breeding programmes as far as I know. Much as you would breed different strains of horses or dogs.
Kraut: Plus, the main differences between Elvish strains lay in their mental abilities and wisdom. There was not that much physical variation, really.


Of course, no orc could recall what kind of elf he began life as. One of the first stages in creating an orc was to erase his memory. When I was done inspecting the finished ones, Gimbrakh and Dror took me to see the newest ones they caught. I opened the door and walked in.
“She’s brave. I wouldn’t touch the things if I didn’t ‘ave to,” Gimbrakh said to Dror. Dror hushed him.
There were about a dozen elves sitting in the small room. They looked up at me, surprised to see a human. However, they made no move to speak or otherwise signal me. They were all beautiful still, even though they had not been fed for days. It was like looking at a dying butterfly.

Kätchen: And evidently Azra enjoyed every moment.

Even though it is in it’s last stage of life, something about it still draws the eye to marvel at it. I stood there among them regretting my decision to live. Had Sauron been there at that moment, I would have told him the bargain was off.

Faramir: Yeah, and if you try a bit harder you maybe could convince us, too.
Eowyn: I bet she herself doesn’t believe that. Damn it, she isn’t even freaked out nor does she show any sign of terror or disgust! She just stands there and thinks about some fricking butterflies!


I shook myself out of the daze and walked back out.
“When do we start them?” I asked.
“As soon as you give the word,” Dror said.
“How many more warriors do we need?”
“About sixty. We’re still ten short,”

All: Huh?
Pippin: What happened to the rest of the ten thousand?


he said. “But take a look at the ones we’re working on. They should be done by tomorrow.”
“Very well,” I said. I was not prepared for what I was about to see. If one could look upon an orc and call it ugly, one could look upon a half orc and call it hideous. Dror and Gimbrakh came in with me as I looked at the ones who were lost somewhere between elf and orc.

Kraut: Hmm, I guess it would have been pretty hideous to visit Utumno.
Mouth (scoffing): You pussy.


The room was dark to shield their changing eyes. One was crawling on the floor in front of me like a wounded animal. It looked up at me, a disgusting half breed. His skin was gray and almost transparent. He looked at me with black eyes. His hair, once blond, was missing in most places. Only a few lone clumps remained. Suddenly, he came flying at me, teeth bared. I kicked him and he went flying across the room.

Mouth: Yeah, show them their place, miss! If only you really were even remotely fit to be their master…
The others (stare.)
Kätchen: Let me get this straight: Just three weeks ago she was a silent, peaceful country girl and now she kicks a random Elf in his face just like that! All without any description whatsoever of brainwash, intimidation or even subtle indoctrination.
Kraut: But, my dear, Sauron the Hot Hunk said she was beautiful! That fully explains and justifies this change. That, or then the whole family girl thing was just a façade and she already was a psychopath when caught.
Kätchen: I opt for the latter explanation. Hmm, maybe she doesn’t remember her parents’ names because of deep-seated animosity towards them or because some traumatic event involving them. In Freudian psychology…
Faramir (interrupting): Oh, please! Just keep on riffing and don’t speak crap!
Eowyn: Yeah, even trying to analyse this thing would lead only to more confusion.


“Learn some respect,” I snapped.

Kraut: How come I think of action movies now?
Kätchen (as Arnold Schwarzenegger): Show some respect, punk.


“I am your master now.” He whimpered and retreated back into the corner.

Pippin: Bitterly accusing himself that he didn’t succeed in ridding the world of her before his death.
Eowyn: Now that would have been heroic.


Self preservation would always win out.
“That one is looking promising,” Dror said.
“He’s got the fierce part,” I said. We left the room and I looked around the dungeon once more.
“Lord Sauron will be pleased,” he said.
“Pleased? With his army?”
“With the master,” he said. Master. I was starting to like the way that sounded.

Mouth: You are into BDSM scene, Azra? Gee, even I am not that twisted!
Faramir: Ladies and gentlemen, this is what makes someone turn evil: Forget promises of riches or threats, just give him or her a lousy title and she’s all yours!
Kraut: The frightening part is that’s not too far away from truth.
(All exit.)


"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz!
Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße.
Im Feuer mich baden!"
- Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two.
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At Journey's End
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

3. Lost But Not Forgotten

Kraut (surprised): Oh, she knows about my stolen cell phone?

“Only two more and then we’ve got all we need,” Dror said. Dror, Gimbrakh and I had spent the last three days catching elves to meet Sauron’s final total.

Faramir: That’s pretty fast, to say the least. Let’s compute… 3,333 per day, 139 per hour… excluding the time needed for travels…
Eowyn: Bottom line: Plain impossible. Besides, you can’t travel in just three days from Mordor to Lorien, the nearest Elven dwelling.
Pippin (with a shudder): Except with a Fell Beast.


We were riding out to the edges of Mirkwood to catch the last two. According to Dror, the Mirkwood elves produced the meanest orcs.

Kätchen: Well, wouldn’t anyone be a little bit pissed off if forced to live for centuries in darkness, with nice neighbours such as Orcs and huge, talking spiders?

The one who had tried to attack me had once been a Mirkwood elf. I got off my horse and looked into the forest.

Mouth: Until an Ent came and crushed her to tiny bits.
Pippin: Yeah, even Fangorn would have become ‘hasty’ if he had met her.


“I’ll be back. You know what to do,” I said. They nodded.

Kraut (as Dror): The boss is finally away, now where’s my stash of booze?

I disappeared into the dense forest, hoping I would not have to wait long for some to pass by. Fortunately, I got my wish. A pair of elves passed close to the bush where I was hiding. I burst out, looking confused.

Kätchen: Bad move. Then the Elves shot you full of arrows. The End.

“I’m sorry. I’m terribly lost. My horse threw me about a mile from here,” I said. “Can you show me the road back to Isengard?”

(Laughter.)
Faramir: For starters, you are on the wrong side of bloody Anduin!
Eowyn: Does she really think Elves are this stupid?


They looked at each other and, deciding I was harmless,

Pippin: What kind of Elves are these, anyway? Of the lost Avari tribe of Simpletons led by Retard, huh?

agreed to help. They led me back out the path I used to come in. I stepped out a few seconds before them and Dror and Gimbrakh jumped on them with the nets.
“Beautiful creatures,” I said. “But not terribly bright.”

Kraut: In any case brighter than you, miss Einstein.

“Why do you think Sauron chose them instead of dwarves,” Dror asked. The two elves looked betrayed, but said nothing.

Kätchen (laughing): After such epic display of fail I would keep my mouth shut, too!

“Don’t worry. When we’re done with you, you won’t remember a thing,” I said. As I was about to get back on my horse, I caught a glimpse of an elf standing in the forest. He was staring at me.
“Should we take him, too?” Gimbrakh asked, following my gaze.
“No, Sauron only wanted two more and that is what we will give him. Leave that one,” I said.

Mouth (sneering): Oh, yeah, leave him to run away to send all the Elves of Mirkwood on your trail. Makes perfect sense.

At the time, I did not register the fact he looked different than the two we’d just caught.

Eowyn (confused): Uh, if she didn’t, how could she know he was different?
Pippin: I bet it’s Legolas and Azra’s über-Sue sensors noticed that.


Then again, I was focused on the task at hand. I mounted my horse and we rode back to Mordor.
Sauron was waiting in his throne room when we returned. I bowed and removed my cloak.
“We have the final number you requested. They should be ready for battle in six days,” I said.

Faramir: Itarilde, Orcs were not made in serial production! It took years of Morgoth to corrupt those captured Elves.

“Excellent. The army of men and elves is bearing down on us.

Kraut: Strangely, Azra and her Orc buddies didn’t see as much as a shadow of an army.

We must be ready to fight,” he said.
“Where would you have me stay, my lord?” I asked.
“You will stay in the tower.

Mouth (as Sauron): In the kitchen, that is. Go make me a tasty sandwich, you wench! Double quick!
The women (glare at Mouth.)


I will leave it to you to send out the armies,” he said.

All (facepalm.)
Kätchen: Oh dear, this is just like if Frederick the Great would have entrusted the command of his grenadiers to some random tavern maid or such like.
Kraut (grins): I wonder how Leuthen or Rossbach would have been fought in that case.


“As you wish,” I replied. “Dror! Gimbrakh! Get to the dungeons and see that they are working. We need a battle ready army in six days.”

Kraut: Seems like the deadlines in newspapers aren’t so strict after all.

“Yes, my lady,” they replied and went down into the dungeons. I went up to my room for some peace before the storm.
The next five days were spent oiling the war machine. The dungeons of Barad-dur produced more orcs, armor, and weapons than ever before. I would be down there three times a day to look over the preparations.

Faramir: Yeah, and the rest of the time you spent lying on your lazy ass and fantasizing about Sauron the Hottie.

Every day news came in that the Last Alliance was moving closer. We had to be ready for when they came beating at the gate.
I was inspecting the last of the newly forged swords when Sauron came down to the dungeon.
“Our enemy is almost upon us! Ready yourselves and make for the gate!” he bellowed.

Eowyn: I really think he would have sent a subordinate to do these sergeant-major things.

We were thrown into a frenzy. Every last sword, spear, and helmet was handed out as Sauron led the first wave out into the fields.

Pippin: They spent their reserves already? What’s the point in having more than one wave then?
Kraut: Like Russians in Stalingrad, I think: “Take your weapons from dead comrades.”


Even deep in the dungeons, I could hear the war horns being blown. Battle was almost upon us. I left my two henchmen in charge of sending out the warriors and I went up to the tower to get a better look.

Mouth: Oh really? Admit it, you were chickening out of the battle, you cowardly twit!

I watched the sea of black make for the gates. Beyond it there were torches. No doubt the lights of our enemy. By nightfall they would be upon us. So began the agonizing wait before the blow. My army was to be put to the test. Over the next few hours, I chewed so much on the inside of my lip it bled.

Kraut: Wouldn’t bubble gum be more healthy? In any case it would be less painful.
Kätchen: Yeah, but she’s hardcore!


“All the troops are out,” Dror reported.
“Good,” I said.
“We will emerge victorious. They cannot defeat Sauron and the One Ring,”

Faramir (dryly): Or so you think.

he said. I chewed some more.
“We shall see,”
The battle began with a great crash of metal upon metal. The sound was enough to deafen me even a mile away. I did not move from my spot at the window. Gimbrakh and Dror soon joined me.

Eowyn: And munched popcorn while enjoying the show.

Sauron had ordered them to stay with me as they had become my two trusted advisors.

Pippin: ‘Cause all know how trustworthy Orcs are.

“The men are led by King Elendil and Prince Isildur of Gondor. They believe they have the power to defeat us,” Dror said. “The elves have Elrond of Rivendell. “

Kraut: And how would an Orc know the names of enemy leaders? I’m pretty sure they were told next to nothing if not absolutely necessary.
Mouth: In that, you are entirely correct.


”And what of him?” I asked.
“If anyone could defeat us, it would be him. He is a good leader, in spite of the fact Rivendell elves make weak orcs,” he said.
“Perhaps then they were meant to remain elves,”

Kätchen (sarcastically): Yep, and the other Elves were practically begging to be transformed into Orcs.
Kraut: The latest trend in Lindon and Lorien: Get your Orc makeover today! Only three gold pieces per treatment at your nearest evil stronghold!


I said.
“Per’aps,” Gimbrakh said. We watched the battle for hours go back and forth. Finally, something happened.

Kätchen (dryly): The shit hit the fan.

“Sauron has killed the king,” I said. “And he’s headed for the prince.” We watched as Isildur reached for a sword, but Sauron stepped on it. Just as Sauron was about to strike, Isildur sliced the Ring off Sauron’s hand. A huge blast of air shot through Mordor.

Pippin (deadpan): Seems Sauron really shouldn’t have eaten that much cabbage and pea soup at lunch.
Faramir: Now I know why they say everything in Mordor reeks.


It nearly knocked me over.

All (laugh.)
Kraut (as Azra): Quickly, where’s my smelling salt?
Eowyn: This fart joke is pretty used by now, don’t you think?
Kraut: Come on, just one more time!


“The Ring, he cut it off,” I said. We looked at each other and back out onto the battlefield. Elrond and Isildur were climbing up Mount Doom.

Kätchen: Wearing leather breeches and Tirol hats and yodeling as they came.

“They mean to destroy it,” Dror said.
“That would finish Lord Sauron off,”

Faramir (as Gimbrakh): Oh no! That would mean I never will get my pension!

Gimbrakh said.
“He’s not dead?” I said.
“Not until they destroy the Ring in the mountain,” Dror said.
“The Ring has a great power over the weak minds and lustful hearts of men.

Eowyn: Oh, Men like you?

Isildur will not destroy it,” I said. I had no idea how I knew it, but I knew he could not throw it in. I was right. No great final blast came.

Pippin: ‘Cause Sauron finally had the sense to change his diet.
Eowyn (boredly): Oh, please!
Pippin: I just couldn’t resist.
Kätchen (sighing): Men… eternal boys.


The Ring was still intact. I ran down the stairs and through the throne room. The palantir was glowing, something it never did.

Mouth: Rather, never did in your presence. There’s a curious fire burning in its depth if you look closely at it.

“Azra,” it said. I jumped.

Faramir: No wonder! Heck, even I would be freaked out if I encountered a speaking palantir.
Kraut: Methinks now it’s just a TV looking like a Seeing-Stone. Sauron liked high-tech, right?


“Azra...find me the Ring,” it was Sauron, his essence trapped in the palantir.

(Laughter.)
Eowyn: Poor bugger!
Pippin: How come I picture now a goldfish in a bowl? Complete with a little castle, of course.


I nodded and kept running. The Witch King was outside the doors to the tower.
“Get the others and get the Ring back. Kill the prince,” I said. He made no noise of assent or any indication that he heard me,

Mouth (as the Witch-King): As if I wouldn’t have done so in any case. I don’t tell you how to do your job, miss, so don’t poke your nose on mine!

he simply headed in the direction of Minas Morgul.

Kraut (deadpan): Through a wormhole in the space-time continuum, obviously.
Kätchen: Newsflash for Itarilde: Minas Ithil was captured and renamed only in 2002 Third Age.


They were going to get it back.
Dror and Gimbrakh were talking Sauron in the palantir.

Faramir (as Dror): Cute little fishy! It’s feeding time!
Eowyn (as Sauron): Cut the crap and get me out of here!
Kraut (as Gimbrakh): These TV shows get more and more interactive.


“I’ve sent the nine out to get the Ring. It will be returned to you soon,” I said. Sauron did not look like a man anymore. Inside the palantir was a great eye of flame.

Pippin (as Sauron): Uh oh, I knew that last beer was too much… Eru, what a hangover…

“Good, my beauty,”

Kätchen (singing): Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast…


he said. “Very good.”
“What if the nine can’t find the prince?” Gimbrakh asked.
“They will find it. He cannot resist its power. He will soon put it on and they will find him. Send the rest of the armies out to search the lands. He could not be far,” I said.
“We have broken them, Azra. The world of men is broken,” Sauron said.

Faramir: Hey, Sauron, is there anyone home? You just lost the damn battle!
Eowyn (frowning): Speaking of which, didn’t the war of Last Alliance last for seven years, not for one morning?
Faramir: Why, yes.


“Yes,” I said. “We have.”
But the nine could not find the Ring. They rode for days, following every hint of its power. Messengers were sent every few days to report.

Pippin: But… but didn’t the Gondorians watch closely every entry to Mordor? (slaps his forehead) Oh my, Itarilde really thinks Sauron defeated the Last Alliance!
Kraut: Pathetic.


I would send them back and tell them to look harder.

Mouth: I spy with my little eye an incompetent and stupid leader.

The Ring had all but disappeared.
“Prince Isildur is dead,” one of the messengers said. I was half asleep in the throne. The words made me pick up my head.

Mouth (deadpan): Which had accidentally rolled on the floor.
Faramir (laughing): Wow, she has so little use for her head that it's even detachable!


“And the Ring?”
“The Ring is still missing. They searched all the members of the prince’s party

Pippin (with a dirty smile): Now, ‘a member’ can be interpreted in many ways…
Eowyn (disgusted): Spare us, Peregrin.


and the river where he fell. It is nowhere to be found. Unless someone puts it on, it is lost,” he said. I groaned and let my head hit the back of the throne.

Kätchen (surprised): She was reading badfics, too?

“Until it is found, there is nothing we can do,”

Mouth: Except to search some more, you retard.

I said. “Call them back.” He bowed out of the room to give the Naz-gul the news.
“Now what do we do?” Dror asked.
“We wait for someone to find it,” I said.

Kraut (deadpan): Sounds like a plan!

That wait turned out to last for two thousand years. The world around us changed slowly. The outside world had forgotten the great battle long ago. Empires were created and destroyed.

Faramir (yawning): And once upon a time it was a dark, stormy night.

In all that time, I did not age a day. The gift of my ring had rendered me immortal.

Eowyn: And as a nice side-effect, made you an undead.

The orcs, however, were not. Dror and Gimbrakh died and I was saddened when they did.
I was almost amazed at the pain I felt. I was mourning the loss of beings I once hated and feared.

Mouth: First of all, Orcs are immortal. Secondly, they are just tools in the hands of my dark Master. You don’t mourn for broken tools, do you? (Snorts.) And this girl is supposed to be one of us!

They left in their places two more capable servants and more after them. And so the cycle of life and death continued until one day in the Third Age.
The scream of the Naz-gul alerted me to it. I jumped up out of my seat and ran to the balcony overlooking the fields. They had come out of Minas Morgul and were galloping up to the entrance. Then I felt it. First it was a warm sensation in my hands that spread into my arms and shoulders.

Pippin (hopefully): Her sleeves caught fire from a candle?

The Ring had returned. Someone had put it on.
“Find the Ring! Restore the power to Mordor!” I yelled down to them. They hardly needed encouragement. They were already well on their way to finding it once more.
“Soon it will return to us and we shall rule once again,” I told Sauron.

Kraut (as Sauron): We? You obviously haven’t realized what this is all about. Now, get to your post and wait for commands!

“Yes,” he said. “Soon.”

Kätchen: Insert dramatic music here.
Faramir: Whatever, let us get out!
(All exit.)
"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz!
Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße.
Im Feuer mich baden!"
- Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two.
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Caranthol
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At Journey's End
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1. The riffs concerning Sauron’s physical form are my opinions based on the text of LotR.

4. Gollum

(A.N. Thank you so much for the great reviews. I apologize for the severe diversion from the text,

Mouth (irritably): No apology will serve, unless you destroy this crap with fire, kneel before me and beg for mercy.
Faramir: Um, aren’t you overreacting a little?
Mouth: No.


but that’s just my style.)
One would think finding the One Ring was not that difficult.

Eowyn (sarcastically): Yeah, there’s a normal-sized ring missing, and only thousands upon thousands of square miles to search. A piece of cake, really.

The Naz-gul were good at what they did. Why else would Sauron have kept them around for as long as he did?

Pippin (deadpan): They were magnificent drinking buddies, that’s why.

But for whatever reason, the Ring remained hidden. Some suggested the Ring did not want to be found.

Kraut: Yep, some idiots, that is. At least my copy of Lord of the Rings says the Ring strove to be reunited with Sauron.
Kätchen: Maybe the Ring wanted a little holiday? It had worked for centuries without so much as a coffee break.


I was thinking more along the lines of the nine refusing to ask for directions.

Mouth (deadpan): ‘Cause they were so shy they didn’t dare speak to strangers.

Either way, another five hundred years passed without the Ring. Five hundred fifty years may seem like a lot, but when one has lived for over two thousand, it was little more than an inconvenient wait.

Mouth (shrugging): Well, we did well enough without the Ring, too.

Finally, after two and a half millennia, we got our hands on the creature who had kept the Ring for those crucial five hundred years. Sharuk and Lughak, my two latest orc henchmen, brought the creature Gollum to me. He was a pathetic sight. Bald, skinny, and malformed, he elicited almost the same reaction as the first time I saw an orc.

Faramir: Or the first time I read about a Mary Sue.

They threw him down at my feet and leaned over to look in his eyes.
“You have something that does not belong to you,” I said.
“No. They stoles it from us!” he insisted.
“Who stole it from you?” I asked.

Eowyn (as Gollum): Taxman the Troll, of course!

In reply, he unleashed this terrible wail.

Pippin (as Gollum): Nooooo! We are near a Sssssue! It burnsss, it hurtsss, my prreciousss!

“She asked you a question,” Lughak jabbed him with his foot.
“The pwecious...the pwecious has left us,” he wailed.

Kraut: Pwecious? Methinks Lughak just kicked his front teeth in.
Kätchen: That, or then Gollum is two years old in this story.


I was quickly losing patience with this cryptic creature.
“Take him to the dungeons and see if you can’t get anything out of him there,” I said.

Mouth (as Lughak): Look, Azra! Mission accomplished, we got the snot out of his nose.

“I am in no mood for games.”

Faramir: What, not even a nice little game of whist?

They picked him up again and dragged Gollum kicking and screaming down the stairs. At least it was a break. We’d gone so long without having any idea where the Ring was that this was at least something. If Gollum didn’t have the Ring anymore, as he claimed, then maybe he knew who did.

Eowyn: No shit, Sherlock!

Gollum proved to be a challenge for even our methods of persuasion. He was steadfastly refusing to say who the mysterious ‘they’ were that took the Ring. It was frustrating Lughak and Sharuk to no end.

Pippin: Oh, cut the crap! Gollum’s silence just gives them a much waited excuse for some more torture. They are Orcs, remember?

“‘e’s a tough nut to crack, that one,” Sharuk told me.

Mouth (deadpan): How about trying a nutcracker?
Kätchen (grimacing): Now that’s an uncomfortable image.


“‘e keeps refusing to say anythin’.”
“And you’ve tried everything?” I said.

Kraut (as Sharuk): Yep, ‘xcept speakin’ so that ‘e un’erstands our questions.
Faramir (laughing): Yeah, those Orcs really could use some speech therapy.


“We’ve even made up a few things,” Lughak said. I got up off the throne.
“Let me try,” I said.
“We took ‘im to Minas Morgul. Thought the Witch King would ‘ave better luck,” said Sharuk.
“Have him brought back here and throw him in the dungeons. I want to have a round with him,”

Eowyn (amazed): Azra, you really are going to drink with Gollum? Your taste of friends is amazing, I must say.

I said.
“Absolutely,” Lughak said. They ambled out to go retrieve Gollum. I doubt the Witch King had done any of the work himself. He usually pawned it off on one of the lesser Naz-gul or the orcs.

Pippin (deadpan): Yeah, that lazy bastard. Never mind that for centuries he ruled a whole kingdom and stuff, he still is lazy.

He gave Sauron a run for his money when it came to ego.

(Laughter.)
Kätchen: Ego? This is the first time I hear about undead having a self-esteem at all.


I would have minded it more if I hadn’t had the luxury of secluding myself in Barad-dur. Fortunately for me, Sauron liked to keep me close and make sure I was properly carrying out his orders. After all that time he’d spent disembodied, most considered me the more capable of the two.

All (facepalm.)
Mouth: Give us a break! You capable? Damn it, a blind and crippled chimpanzee would be better in your job!


Of course, Sauron wasn’t stupid.

Kraut: After this story I begin to doubt it.

He knew how the slaves felt about their master. That was the whole reason he’d chosen me. Beauty can inspire allegiance that brute force cannot.

Faramir (facepalm): Please! Orcs don’t care about beauty, they hate it! The ‘allegiance’ of which you speak is more likely a desire to rip your face open.
Eowyn: Not that there’s anything wrong about that.
Pippin: Wow, you really are bloodthirsty today!


Then again, brute force is more likely to give you the answer you want to hear.

Mouth: Indeed. I was not chosen to my job for my handsome looks.

It was time for me to prove I was more than just a pretty face.
“They’re returning him as we speak,” Lughak reported.
“Excellent,” I said.
“What’d you have in mind for ‘im?” Sharuk asked.

Kraut (dumb voice): Who’s Im?

“A few of the old ways,” I smiled. They looked at each other, clearly having no clue what I meant. “Go get the rack ready.”
“Yes,” they grinned. Nothing got those two motivated like the prospect of torture. I had bred them all that way.

Pippin (sarcastically): ‘Tis well you take credit of a trait that inherently runs in Orkish blood.

They were born to kill

Kätchen (singing): We were born, born to be wild… Fire all of your guns at once, and explode into space…

and show no mercy and I was quite proud of my work. I had no idea I was about to be usurped.

Eowyn: I never imagined I would say anything like this, but if that means you are going to enter the scene, master Mouth, I’ll root all for you.
Mouth: Why, thank you.


“Azra,” Sauron shook me from my vile daydream.

Kraut: And she quickly hid her Playgirl magazine.
Kätchen: The order of which she had paid from Barad-dûr’s military funds.


“Yes, my lord,” I said.
“I am ready,” he said.
“But we have not yet gotten the Ring,” I said.
“I do not need it. The power has grown enough,” he said.

Kraut (as Sauron): My power level is now over 9,000!
Kätchen: It seems someone has been watching Dragonball Z a bit too much.


“If the tower is ready then I shall take you up there,” I said.
“Excellent,” he said. “All is in place.” I picked up the palantir and made my way to the top of Barad-dur. Sauron’s power had been steadily growing since the Ring resurfaced. Now he was ready to return to a somewhat physical form.

Mouth: Except that he had been quite physical all the time. Remember Necromancer? Plus, I saw him almost daily and I should know.

He would need the Ring to become fully regenerated, but this was close enough. Even I had no idea what he had in mind as I walked up to the top. Between the two prongs of the tower I put the palantir down. A blinding orange light shot out of it and up into the center.

Faramir: Sauron had a rave party?
Eowyn: Or perhaps Barad-dûr was really a lighthouse?


I covered my face until the light stopped. When I looked up, I was staring at a larger version of what had been in the palantir. A great eye wreathed in flame looked back at me. I was speechless for a few moments

All (are speechless for a few moments.)
Eowyn (shaking her head): Well, that’s a nifty trick.
Kraut: Now I do think PJ could have done better than portray Sauron as a goddamned floating eyeball! At least we could have been spared of this.


and then he spoke.
“Return the palantir to its place. Learn what you can from the creature,” he said. I nodded and made my way back into the tower. I replaced the palantir on my way down to the dungeons. Lughak and Sharuk were waiting for me.
“Everything is ready, just like you asked,” Lughak said.
“Then let us see if Gollum has changed his mind,” I said. I picked up a hot poker and walked over to the rack. Three other orcs stood around him, waiting for me. He looked worse than when I saw him last, if that was possible.

Pippin (dryly): Being tortured can do that to a person.

“I believe you have something to tell me,” I said.

Mouth (as Azra): So if you want to live, you tell me all about Goldilocks and the three bears this instant!

He shook his head. I jabbed him in the ribs.
“Speak quickly, give me two words,

Mouth: Would ‘fuck you’ suffice, miss?

and I will release you,” I said. The orcs looked among one another. They were wondering why I only asked for two words.

Kraut: And I wonder if even she knows why.

I poked him again. He shrieked. In those shrieks, I got my two words.

Kätchen (as Gollum): Ssscrew you!

“Shire! Baggins!”
“Let him go,” I said, smiling to myself. Sharuk and Lughak followed me out of the dungeon.
“Get me the maps. I want the most recent ones,” I said. “And send out the Naz-gul. We have work to do.”
“Yes, Master,” Lughak said, struggling to keep up with me.
“Sharuk, send a pair to follow Gollum. It may prove useful later,” I said. Lughak spread out the maps in the study.
“The Shire is here,” I pointed to a place in the upper left of the map. “But we are here.”

Pippin: Too bad. What are you going to do about it?

“That’s a long way,” Lughak observed.
“The way the nine rides, I’d say eight days,” I said.

Eowyn (counting with her fingers): Uh, something’s amiss. Honey, how long did it take for Boromir to take the journey from Gondor to Imladris?
Faramir: One hundred and ten days.
Kraut: So, the Nine use cars?


“And what of the other word? Baggins?” he asked. I shrugged.
“I don’t know what that means,” I said. “Maybe it is a road or something.”

Kätchen (sarcastically): Yeah, Baggins Street in Leggings City.

“Or a name,” Lughak said.

(Applause from the audience.)
Mouth: Now that’s the way of it! Someone’s finally showing some semblance of sense.
Pippin: Only it’s actually quite sad that the Orcs have been the smartest characters this far.


“That could work,” I said. “The nine will know soon enough. Our job is finished.”

Faramir (muttering): Don’t sell a bear’s hide before it has been felled…

“This time maybe they’ll come back with it,” he said.
“We should be so lucky,” I said wryly. I rolled up the maps and put them back on the shelves. Lughak went back down to the dungeons. I decided to watch the Naz-gul ride out. As I walked outside, I noticed something odd toward the gate. In a land where everything is black, other colors stand out a great deal more.

Kraut (as a TV commercial): That’s why you should use our new Omo Colour washing powder! It makes your outfit to stand out in a crowd! Buy now and show your true colours!

There was a gray spot moving on the left side of the gate. I walked closer and could see it was a horse. How a horse had gotten into Mordor was beyond me.

Kätchen: I take a wild guess: By walking?

Why it wasn’t dead yet was also beyond me. Usually the gate orcs shot anything on sight.

Eowyn (deadpan): Including messengers, allied armies and so forth.

It came toward me when it saw me approach. We met somewhere in the middle. I reached out to touch it and heard my sister’s voice.

All: Huh?
Kraut: But her sister is dead!
Pippin: Now it’s official: She is a total nutcase.


“He was lonely,” I had not heard Angath’s voice for centuries. I had long ago assumed I would never recall it. But the moment I touched that horse, I could hear her as clearly as if she were standing next to me.

Kätchen: Time to call a therapist, Azra. Seriously.

“Angath,” I said. The horse’s ears perked up.
“Is that your name?” I asked. She bumped my shoulder. I rubbed her ears and smiled. From that moment on, Angath would become my closest friend.

Faramir (deadpan): And henceforth Azra always wondered why no one else could see or hear Angath.

I had to believe she had come to me for a reason. Nothing happened by chance

Eowyn: How about rolling dice or drawing lots, then? There’s a higher purpose if I lose a copper penny because the dice showed five, not six?
Pippin (deadpan): But of course there is!


and there are no such thing as accidents, especially in the land of the shadows. I could only guess my long dead sister who so loved horses had sent me a companion to carry me through the dangers that would come.

Kraut: The question is: Why in hell would she have done so? She was killed by Orcs, so I imagine she wouldn’t take that kindly that her sister was now breeding them?

I found a spot for Angath near the tower. I went back inside only to hear the voice of my lord giving me another order.
“I need to you to ride to Isengard,” he said.

Mouth (sneering): It was damnably convenient for Angath to turn out just a moment before, don’t you think?
Faramir: Hmm, yes. I scent a hoax.


“Isengard? What’s there?” I asked.

All (groan.)
Eowyn: She can be efficient at breeding Orcs, but she really sucks at gathering intelligence!
Mouth: I doubt she even knows what that word means.


“A wizard named Saruman.

Pippin (as Sauron): Who has lived there only for the short period of two hundred and fifty years, you idiot.

Go and see what kind of army he is building me,”

Kraut: And now I go and see what’s in the fridge.
Kätchen: Ah, the chapter is over. Great!
(All exit.)

"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz!
Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße.
Im Feuer mich baden!"
- Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two.
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Caranthol
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At Journey's End
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

5. Opening Move

My stomach twisted at his words.

Pippin: Teaches you to eat so much fast food.

I felt like I was going to fall over. I had to grab on to the arm of the throne to keep my balance.

Faramir (looking puzzled): All this because of a simple order? What’s going on?
Eowyn: Don’t ask me, I’m as clueless as you.


It was my first experience with jealousy.

Faramir: Oh it was that… (after a pause) Wait, what?
Mouth: Azra, I assure you there was nothing romantic between Sauron and Saruman. So no need to worry. (grimacing) Oh my, the thought makes even me a little sick.
Kraut (shrugging): Well, it’s sure as hell that somebody has already written that pairing.
The others (look horrified.)
Kraut: Rule 34: If it exists, there’s porn about it.


It hit me like a mace to the gut.
“An army?”

Kätchen (deadpan): No, a curling team.

I managed to choke out. “Orcs are not enough this time. Saruman is creating a new kind of warrior,”

Eowyn (sarcastically): Yeah, there’s such a HUGE difference between an Orc and a half-Orc.

he said. “And I want you to see if they are satisfactory.” A million thoughts were racing through my head.

All: About time!

Why hadn’t he asked me to create a new race?

Mouth: Because you are dumber than a used boot. That’s why.

I had proved myself a skillful slave master. It was at my bidding that the best orcs had been produced. Why had he gone behind my back and asked this Saruman to do my job?

Pippin: I think the more important question is: Why didn’t he do that by himself?

The lord I had dedicated my life to had betrayed me.

Kraut: Tough. Such things happen when you play with the big boys.

“Azra, I need you to go now,” he said.
“Yes, my lord,” I said and stormed out of the tower. I let out a few good retches on my way down.

Kätchen (as Azra): Owwww, I never again eat twenty cheeseburgers in a row!

The noise was satisfying if nothing else. It sounded absolutely disgusting. I hoped Sauron heard me and was disgusted, too.

(Laughter.)
Mouth (sneering): This just takes the cake! My Master led Orcs, he lived in the Eru-damned Mordor, he slew thousands of people, and he’s supposed to be disgusted by retching!
Faramir: Seems Azra is still a teen in more ways than just looks…
Eowyn: Maybe her super-ring also prevents mental growth?


I untied Angath and spent half the ride to Isengard, a full two days,

Kraut: Wow, Angath was rocket-powered!

cursing him in every way I could think of. He had chosen me in the first place.

Kätchen: Yeah, and now he chose another. He’s the boss. You are not living in a democracy, remember?

I was the one he had handpicked to spend the last two thousand years breeding orcs, each generation more vicious than the last. I could not imagine anyone doing a better job than me,

Pippin: What you imagine and what is the truth can be two completely different things, sweetie.

much less creating a whole new race worthy of what I had done. Saruman must have been quite a find indeed if he could come close to my work. Angath probably got terribly annoyed with my incessant shrieking on the journey. I would not have blamed her if she’d left me to walk the rest of the way.

Faramir: Neither would I. Hell, after two thousand years she’s acting like a frustrated thirteen-year-old!
Eowyn (dryly): Worse, like a frustrated toddler.


Finally on the afternoon of the fourth day, we rode into Isengard. It was half defoliated. Tufts of smoke rose out of several holes in the ground. Orthanc looked a lot like Barad-dur except for the top. It had four prongs instead of two.

Pippin (stupid voice): Two plus two equals four.

For a moment, I thought I saw something on top of it, but brushed it off. It was anyone’s guess what was in the air around here. I hopped off Angath. An old man dressed entirely in white

Kraut: So he thought better about that flashing hippie-colour thing?

stood at the top of the stairs. He had a long white beard to match the robes. He held in one hand a staff. So that was what made him so bloody special. He was a wizard.

Kätchen (deadpan): Oh, really? Who could have guessed that? Who except the whole of Middle-Earth, of course.

I could only surmise he was an important one if he had the fortress of Isengard at his disposal.
“Welcome to Isengard,” he said. “Is it just Azra or do you have a title?”

Faramir: Somehow I can’t imagine Curunir being so familiar with anyone, much less with a mere henchman of Sauron.

“Just Azra,” I said. “I was sent to inspect your new army.”
“Of course,” he said. I followed him up the stairs and through a cluttered study.
“I have been crossing orcs and goblin men with some surprising results.

Eowyn (deadpan): That they still are ugly as hell?

I have long experimented with combinations, but this one seems to be the most successful,” he said.
“Where did you find the orcs?” I asked.

Kraut (as Saruman): From the local pet shop, silly!

“Sauron sent them to me. Some of your best work, I would suppose,” he said.
“I have no doubt,” I said with a sickly, sweet smile. “Sauron is anxious to see what you’ve done.”
“This way,” he said. I followed him down into the hot bowels of Orthanc.

Kätchen (shivering): That expression… It could be the title of that Sauron/Saruman thing…
Pippin: Don’t even think about it!


There some orcs were pushing around this mass that looked something like horse droppings.
“Don’t get too close,” he warned. I did as I was told. One of the globs split open and I was amazed at what I saw. It was twice the size of an orc easily. It had a longer face than an orc and was proportioned more like an elf. However, it still bore the pointy ears of an orc.

Faramir: For record, Elves have pointy ears, too.

“What do you call it?” I asked.

Eowyn (as Saruman): Oh, this one is Hugo, and over there in the corner are Anton, Fluffy and Tinkerbell.

“An Uruk-hai,” he said.
“Superior orc, very nice,” I said.
“I took the best points

Pippin: What best points?
Mouth: Now, now, you are just prejudiced.


of both species and combined them,” he explained.
“Do you have one I could get a good look at?” I asked.
“This way,” he said. I found myself following him back up to the main levels. In an empty room, like a caged animal, I saw one. It was cleaner than the one I had just seen,

Kraut: Well, I guess that doesn’t say much.

but overall it looked the same.
“It’s identical,” I said.
“I reproduced the correct formula over and over again. They all have the same basic features with few variations,” Saruman said.
“I see,” I said.
“This one is

Kätchen:…Dolly, the Clone Lamb.

Lurtz, my first. He has the disposition of an orc, but he is stronger, faster, and can travel in sunlight,” he said. I opened the door. Lurtz stood still as I walked around, surveying him. He was impressive. He stood taller than me and probably could break me in half if he wanted to.

Faramir: Go ahead, Lurtz, make my day!

I felt no fear though. To me, he was just an overgrown orc.
“Do you know your master?” I asked.
“Saruman,” he grunted.
“You’ve created something very interesting,” I said. “I’m sure Lord Sauron will be most pleased.”

Eowyn (dryly): Yes, especially about the fact the damn Orc called Saruman, not Sauron, his master.

“So you are satisfied with it?” he said.
“Whatever suits him suits me,” I said, not wanting to let my temper get out of hand.
“How many years have you been with Sauron?” he asked.
“Over two thousand five hundred.

Mouth (as Azra): So don’t you try to hook him, you old goat!

I’ve been maintaining his armies for almost that long,” I said.
“So you are familiar with the process of creating orcs,” he said.
“I could do it with my eyes closed.

Pippin: Actually, in that job I’d prefer to keep my eyes closed, too. Who wouldn’t?

Under my command, some of the finest orcs in memory have been created. Why do you ask?” Now he had me very curious.
“I was simply curious,” he said.
“I cannot say I’ve ever had the pleasure of someone taking an interest in what I do,” I said.
“We are now in the same situation. It is in my best interest to,” he said. I sensed the slightest bit of condescendence in his voice. He seemed less than impressed with Sauron’s choice of a master.

Kraut: Saruman obviously still has some semblance of wisdom left.

I was less than impressed with him, as well.
“Sauron never approached you to create a new race?” he said, breaking the silence.
“No,” I said. “He did not.”
“As his long trusted slave master, I would think you would be his first choice,” he said.

Kätchen (as Azra): Yeah, thanks a lot for twisting the knife in the wound!

“Well, one can only assume that he saw me unfit,” I said. “Or I just did not ask fast enough.” I had gotten to the heart of the matter. Sauron had instructed Saruman to build him an army, but not after he saw the opportunity to seal his allegiance. Letting someone go on an ego trip was a good way to do that.

Faramir: Hmm, somehow that reminds me of how you got into his service, Azra.

Making someone feel important is the fastest way to get them on your side. The whole promise of power and half of Middle Earth probably didn’t hurt either. At that moment, I saw my lord’s plan as clear as day. He was politicking to get what he needed.

Eowyn (clapping her hands): Bravo! Bravo! What brilliant intelligence, what dazzling genius!

“I trust you will give him a full report,” Saruman said, ushering me out of Orthanc.
“Oh yes, I won’t leave out a single detail.

Kraut (as Azra): Including your attempt to drug my drink with Rohypnol. Expect to be sued.
Pippin (as Saruman): It was an accident, I swear!


I think you’ve really hit something. Lord Sauron will be most pleased,” I couldn’t help but have a little fun on my way out.
“Thank you,” he said. “Feel free to come by and have a look anytime.”

Kätchen: Heh, he sounds just like an old man asking the old lady next door to tea!

“I may just take you up on that,” I said, mounting Angath. He didn’t reply.

Mouth: ‘Cause he was so horrified at the prospect of seeing her ever again.

I got halfway down the path and couldn’t hold in my laughter any longer. He was a foolish old wizard, but he would prove useful. He had the means to produce thousands of his half breeds. They would never take the place of the orcs, though. The Uruk seemed barely able to produce words, much less any intelligent communication.

Faramir: And the regular Orcs were what? Holding philosophical debates?

Then again, Sauron wasn’t looking for anything that had a brain. He wanted something that could kill effectively.

Eowyn: Those two are not mutually exclusive, you know.

Saruman’s Uruks were the ones for the job. I was not about to send my orcs out to be killed.

Pippin: Feeling sorry for the Orcs? Hey, I got news for you: The Orcs were born to be cannon fodder!

The world of men was strengthening, I could feel it. Just as there had been stirrings of the Ring, there were stirrings elsewhere. The lands to the West no longer felt dead. Something was coming.
I was riding through Gondor on my way back at the base of the White Mountains.

Mouth: Someone’s forgotten to read the secrecy rules. Damn, I hope the Gondorians get her!

On the other side of the road, a man was riding. He looked scruffy, like all men did. He was in battle gear and bore a shield. My curiosity got the better of me and I inquired about his destination.
“I have been summoned to a council,” he said.

Faramir (astonished): Boromir is telling this to a total stranger?

“A council? Would it not be held in Gondor?” I asked.
“It is not just a council of men, but a meeting of elves and dwarves as well,” he replied.
“Must be quite important if elves and dwarves agree to come together,” I said.
“I fear it is more than just quite important,” he said.

All (are dumbstruck.)

“Where did you say this council was?” I questioned.
“Rivendell,” he answered.

Faramir (enraged): That’s it! I’ve got enough! I have seen my brother depicted as a bully, as a rapist and now as a complete retard. Once we are free, I will hunt all these Suethors down! No matter how, but they will all die!
Pippin: When you go, count me in!
Eowyn: And me.


The elves must have been up to something big if they were letting men into their realm. Elves were not especially fond of anything other than elves being in their presence.
“I’ve heard its beautiful there,” I said.
“If it is anything like you, my lady, then I would say the same,” he said.

Mouth (laughing): Hey, princeling, look! To add insult to injury, now he’s even sprouting tired clichés.
Faramir (knots his fists.)


I smiled. It was not hard to see why men were weak.
“Thank you,” I said. “Perhaps we shall meet again.”
“Perhaps,” he said. “I have not seen you around Minas Tirith.”

Kraut: Wrong Tower, buddy.

“That would be because I do not live in Minas Tirith,” I replied.
“Of course,” he said.
“May your journey go well,” I said.
“And yours,” he said. We went in our separate directions.

Kätchen: Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet…

I had to ponder what the elves had in mind. As if letting men in was a step for them, most would rather face my dungeons than sit within ten feet of a dwarf. Something was most definitely afoot.
I told Sharuk and Lughak what I had learned on my return to Mordor. They were equally intrigued.
“What could it all mean?” Sharuk asked.
“Morgoth only knows. If the elves are calling upon men and dwarves, it has to be something important. I’ve dealt with elves long enough to know their quirks and this is going against everything I know of them,” I said.

Faramir: Then you definitely don’t know much about them. Do the Last Alliance, Finrod’s Oath or War of Elves and Sauron ring any bells?

“What if it has something to do with the Ring?” Lughak asked. I hadn’t thought of that.
“Would they even know where it is? We sent the Naz-gul off and haven’t heard a word from them. How would they know it had been found unless,” I stopped.
“Unless what?”
“Unless it was one of them who found it,” I said.

Kraut: I can almost see the cartoonish light bulb appearing over her head.

“There was a Rivendell elf in the Last Alliance.

Kätchen: Also known as Elrond. Come on, Azra, surely Sauron and his top servants knew his name!

He would have seen it. He would know what it looked like and what it could do.”
“D’you think ‘e found it?” asked Sharuk.
“Maybe or maybe someone brought it to him. We won’t know until we hear from the nine. Speaking of, have they sent a messenger?” I said.
“No word since we sent them out,” Lughak said.
“It will come. If we are lucky, they’ll reach the Shire and find the one who has it,” I said.
“And if we ain’t lucky?” Sharuk questioned.
“The Ring has yet again outsmarted the lot of us,” I said.

Faramir: The saddest part in this discussion is that they fully expect an inanimate object to be smarter than them.
Eowyn: In that context and company that’s only realistic, don’t you think so?


It was a daunting prospect, but one we all had to deal with. The game was on and it was their move.

Kraut: I’ll move my tower to g6. Checkmate!
(All exit.)


"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz!
Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße.
Im Feuer mich baden!"
- Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two.
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Caranthol
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At Journey's End
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

6. Meet the Fellowship

All: Hello!

(A.N. I just noticed I didn’t put a disclaimer in, but then again we all know who wrote Lord of the Rings.

Kraut: Indeed. And thank God it wasn’t you!

If you don’t, congratulations on successfully living under a rock for the past 40 years or so. *grin* However, Azra is mine. You steal, I keel you.

Faramir: I wonder from where does she find the nerve to claim such a monstrosity as her property. I’d be ashamed if I ever wrote anything like this.

And now back to the action.)

All (flatly): Yay.

“Azra! News from the nine!” Sharuk’s yelling jolted me awake. I sat straight up in the throne.
“What news?” I asked eagerly.

Kätchen (as a newspaper headline): The economy plummets: Government forced to take action.

“They have found the ones who have the Ring!” he said.
“That’s fantastic news. I knew they could do it,” I said.
“However, things have not gone quite as planned,” he said.

Kraut: Helmut von Moltke said: “No initial plan is valid after the enemy’s main forces have been encountered”. Read some military science, you dolts!
Mouth (scoffing): Main forces? Two stunted hobbits, one middle-aged and fat, and another just as fat, and stupid to boot!
Kraut: Well, they did defeat Sauron, didn’t they?
Pippin: And Sam wasn’t stupid!


“What do you mean?” I asked.
“They’ve found ‘em, but they’ve been unable to capture ‘em. The Witch King succeeded in wounding one of them, and some of the others chased down the elf that carried the wounded one,” he reported.
“And?”
“And they got a bit caught up in the river outside Rivendell.

(Snickers.)
Faramir: Sharuk really seems to know how to temper bad news.


They’re on their way back as we speak,” Sharuk said.
“Who has the Ring? Is it an elf?” I asked.
“Something called a Hobbit,” he said.
“What’s a Hobbit?”
“Very short, apparently,” he replied. “Baggins was the name of a Hobbit.” This called for some research.
“Thank you. I’ll pass it on to Lord Sauron. He will surely want to see the Witch King when they return,” I said.
“Very good,” Sharuk said. I got up and went rooting through the library. There had to be some record of a thing called a Hobbit. I was interested to see what had control over the Ring. I found them to be horribly boring creatures.

Pippin (incensed): Hey!
Eowyn: Well, you must admit you aren’t very exciting as a race.


They were small, as Sharuk said, and lived only in the Shire.

Pippin: And in Bree-land and some in wilderness of Eriador.

Personality wise, they were the least likely creatures to come across the Ring. Gollum had been like a Hobbit once and we all saw what the Ring did to him. It was too powerful for them.

Kätchen: If we conveniently forget that they were a lot more resistant to the influence of the Ring than, say, Men.

It was too powerful for most mortals. It was then I decided to take matters into my own hands.
Sauron had been gifted at the art of shapeshifting in his bodily form. He could fool just about anyone. That was how he had gotten control over the nine in the first place. Since the Naz-gul were quickly proving themselves to be too slow for my tastes,

Mouth: Speaking of slow persons…

I thought I’d do a little spying of my own. First, I needed to learn how to do it.

Kraut (as Azra): So I read all James Bond-novels, and some MacLean to be sure.

I consulted Sauron.
“The Ring is in Rivendell, my lord. The nine just sent word of it. They are on their way back,” I said.
“Do they know who carries it?” he asked
“A Hobbit,” I answered. “Also on my way back from Isengard, I met a man on the road. He said he was going to Rivendell for a council. I suspect word of the Ring has spread.

Faramir: Only, in the dream I and Boromir saw there was no explicit mention of the Ring. Nor of a council. I don’t know where Itarilde has got her “facts”, but they are not from Red Book at least.

We are no longer the only ones after it.”
“No, my beauty, we have never been. The hearts of mortals will always desire its power. I created it that way,” he said.

Eowyn (sarcastically): And that was very smart, since don’t all enjoy being always wary for robbery attempts?

“And what of immortals, like the elves? They must at least feel some of it,” I said.
“They do. After they defeated me, it was an elf who pushed Isildur to destroy the Ring. He failed, of course,” he said.
“So the elves make everyone else do their dirty work,” I said.

Mouth: This time Azra does have a point. Remember Beren, for instance?

“Yes,”
“Typical of them. They can’t stand to do much other than sit around a look pretty,” I said.

Pippin: Seems battling Morgoth and Sauron for thousands of years, building great realms and giving the means of writing to the world aren’t very much, after all.

If Sauron had been more than just an eye, he would have smiled.
“You want to ask me something,” he said.
“I wanted to know how you could shapeshift,” I got right to the point.

Kraut (as Sauron): Well, I got this thing named Tarnhelm, and… Oops, wrong epic!

“I knew you would ask about that someday,” he said. “It is not difficult. Men are easy to fool.”
“So how did you do it?”
“It is not so much changing how you look, but changing how they see you. If you have the aura of a friend, then they will trust you.

Faramir: Not appearing as a huge iron-fisted tyrant doesn’t hurt, either.

If not, they will not. It is that simple,” he said.

Kätchen (deadpan): I didn’t know that How to Win Friends and Influence People was already in print during Third Age.
Kraut: Perhaps Sauron was Carnegie’s ghostwriter.


“How do I do that?” I asked.
“You got the man from Gondor to tell you where he was going, did you not?”
“Yes,”
“Then you have already begun. He did not see you as a threat so he did not see any reason to hide it from you,”

Eowyn: I should think the fact that a stray word could lead to disaster would be a reason heavy enough.

he said. “But men are always the easiest. Elves and dwarves are both suspicious. You will have to work harder to make them believe you.” I nodded.
“I see,” I said.
“No one who is alive today in the world of men has ever seen you. They do not know you are my servant. Your beauty will make them trust you,” he said.

Pippin: Newsflash: All men aren’t driven solely by their lusts. In fact, most of us don’t tell secrets to the next comer, pretty or not.

“If you wish to seek them out, I will not stop you.”
“Thank you,” I said. I would not be so foolish as to march into Rivendell. They would know I was a stranger and immediately suspect me. Sauron had commissioned Saruman to keep an eye on this business as well.

Kraut: Only, Saruman spied solely for his own benefit.
Mouth: True, Lord Sauron knew full well he wasn’t that trustworthy. He was useful for a time, though.


A wizard named Gandalf had come to him, asking for advice on the Ring. Gandalf was also bound for Rivendell. That made three, so far, that were there. The wizard, the man, and the wounded Hobbit and the elves and dwarves. One of them had the Ring and we were not about to let them keep it.
The nine returned to Barad-dur a few days later with their complete report. As expected, Sauron had a long discussion with the Witch King.

Kätchen (as Sauron, teeny voice): Hahahaha, you are naked!
Faramir (as the Witch-King): Yeah, so what? It was your fault not to issue waterproof clothing to us. So who’s to be blamed now, huh? Huh?


As it turned out, there were four Hobbits and a man traveling together. The man was not the one I had seen, but a Ranger. A female elf

Eowyn (sighing): Poor Glorfindel! No Suethor remembers that he even exists.
Pippin: Nah, that’s a good thing. Otherwise the old bugger would be chased by horny Sues, pretty much like every other male in Red Book.


had taken the wounded Hobbit to Rivendell and they assumed the other Hobbits and the man followed. The number of people headed to Rivendell was increasing at a disturbing rate.

Kätchen: So much so that Elrond had to close the border against Mexico.

It started to feel like all of Middle Earth knew who had the Ring except us. I decided to bide my time and wait until something changed. Odds were this council would result in some kind of action.

Mouth: Oh, really? I thought they would just discuss the weather over a cup of coffee.

I did not have to wait long. Soon word came from Saruman’s spies that there was a party moving East from Rivendell. He was not terribly specific about how many there were or what they were, but it was a start. I was with Sauron when Saruman gave the news.
“They will head for the mountains. I will give Gandalf no choice but to pass into Moria,” he said.
“But there’s...”

Kraut: …the world’s greatest barbecue!

I started. “Oh.”
“It will take care of it for us and then the Ring will be reclaimed. Some of your orcs still roam there as well,” he said.
“That’s true,” I agreed.
“They shall take care of it,” Sauron said.
“I want to see this for myself,” I said.
“Do you really feel that is necessary?” Saruman asked.

Faramir: An excellent question. (shaking his head) Azra, Azra, why do you think that you have an army for your disposal? I tell you: Because they are supposed to do the dirty work.

“I will follow them through Moria untouched. You just tell me when they are about to reach it,” I said.
“Do as she asks,” Sauron said. “I would like a pair of eyes where yours cannot reach.”
“They will reach the doors to Moria in three days,” he said.
“Then I will go now. I want to be waiting for them,” I said.

Eowyn: Then it’s high time to grow a pair of wings, sweetie, if you want to be there in time.

I gave neither time to reply. This party was of great interest to me. I felt confident enough in my shapeshifting abilities that if they did see me, I could get away with it.

Kraut: There’s one little flaw in your logic: Gandalf. He’s a bloody Maia, so you don’t have a chance.

Once again, Angath and I were off on another adventure. It would take about four days to get through the mines, assuming my orcs didn’t get to them first. If the orcs couldn’t get them, the Balrog would. I had never actually seen a Balrog, but I was told it was one of Morgoth’s more genius creations. The dwarves had mined too deep once and woken it up. Even the orcs feared it. In my opinion, waking anything up is a bad idea to begin with, much less a creation of Morgoth.

Pippin: Yeah, at least when I saw it, the Balrog sure wasn’t in good mood!

We reached the gates of Moria and I let Angath go. She would meet me on the other side in four days.

Mouth (tiredly): Itarilde, it’s Middle-Earth, not a Legoland. Have you even seen a map? The Misty Mountains aren’t exactly the size of an anthill.

I waited for the moon to hit the spot where the door was supposed to be. Sure enough, glowing words appeared before me. It was written in elvish.
“Elvish? What in the...” the elves hated the dwarves. Why the message above the door was written in elvish was far beyond me.

Faramir: It wouldn’t be, had you been awake at history lessons.

Fortunately for me, I could piece together enough elvish to read it. I would worry about the reasons behind it later.
“Speak friend and enter,” I read. It was a good thing no one was around. A servant of Sauron’s speaking elvish was enough to get you killed. I racked my brain for the elvish word for friend. They never used that one around me much. I knew plenty of elvish insults.
“iMellon/I,” I said. The door lurched open. I smiled. That was the luckiest guess of my life. Otherwise I would have been standing out there until the mysterious party arrived. I went in and pushed the door closed. Now to wait for them to come through. It was pitch dark and I had nothing on me that would make a suitable light. It didn’t matter much, I was not terribly interested in what dwarves kept on their floors. It was standing in the dark in the mines of Moria when I truly began to question my sanity.

(Laughter.)
Eowyn: Better late than never!
Pippin: Acknowledging the problem is the beginning of the cure.


I was surprised Sauron had let me go. But Sauron never let anything happen without a reason. There was some reason he had let me pursue this madness, even if I would never know it.

Mouth: I guess He wanted to feed you to the Balrog. At least I would have done so.

So there I stood, silent as the dead, waiting for them.
I had drifted off to sleep when I heard voices. I leaned back into the shadows and waited. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but there were at least two voices. Then silence. I grew increasingly nervous as I waited for the door to swing open.

Kraut (singing): Swing, Hugo, swing…

Finally it did. The first one in was a wizard, then the man I had seen on the road to Mordor, then an elf, and a dwarf. Suddenly someone I couldn’t see started yelling.

Kätchen: “What? Three euros for the entry?! I won’t pay it!”

The four already in the door turned around and the man ran back out, followed by the elf. I resisted every urge in me to look outside. I could only assume the inhabitant of the lake had gotten hungry. I took the opportunity when they were all looking out the door for me to get a better vantage point. I squeezed into a crevice by the stairs. They all ran inside just as the door collapsed.
“Now we must face the long dark of Moria,” the wizard said, putting a lit crystal on his staff. I watched as they walked passed me and counted nine.

Kraut: Plus the customary Sue acting as the Tenth Walker.

In addition to the four I had seen, there was another man and four small, humanlike beings. I assumed they were Hobbits and one of them had the Ring. This must have been the man who was with them when the nine encountered them at Weathertop. I was surprised there were still four.

Pippin: How many did you expect then? We don’t breed like rabbits!

A wound from a Naz-gul’s sword was fatal to most mortals. The elf looked familiar. I could not imagine why, but for some reason I thought I had seen him before.

Kätchen: And cue the ominous music.
The others (hum a melody.)


If I had seen him before that meant he had seen me. It also meant I’d have to keep a very low profile on our way through. He would surely remember me.

Faramir: Seeing that in this story the elves have the brains of a mad ant, I highly doubt that.

I darted ahead of them and continued doing so until they stopped nearly a day and a half later. They were lost. Again, leave it to men not to ask for directions or consult a map. I took this opportunity to find out where my orcs had been hiding. They would probably still be there when I got back.
I climbed up to the higher levels and began to listen. Orcs were terribly loud when in the company of just themselves. I followed the sounds of banter and chatter until I came across a rather large den of them.

Eowyn: Unfortunately, one of the Orcs managed to sneak behind you and slit your throat. The End.

“Master,” the lead orc, Borgob, said.
“I have some news of interest,” I said. “There is a group of nine companions who just entered here not long ago. We believe they have the Ring.”
“We ain’t heard nuffin,” one called.

Pippin: That’s no wonder since ‘nuffin´’ doesn’t mean anything.

“They have taken great pains to remain undetected. They fear the beast that waits at the bridge,” I said. They shuttered.
“We should relieve them of that fear, shouldn’t we?” I said. They cheered.
“Let’s get ‘em!”
“Kill ‘em all!”

Mouth (as the Orc): “Starting with the Sue!”

“Where are they?” Borgob asked.
“I left them at the two doors. It’s almost directly down from here but it will take at least two hours to get back,” I said.
“It won’t take no time. We can move fast,” another said.
“And we got us a nice new friend,” one said.
“Oh?” I said. Three of them dragged out a cave troll.

Kraut: Methinks it was the other way round, rather. Rolls aren’t puppies.
Kätchen: Since everything else is mini-sized in this, why shouldn’t Trolls be, too?


“Well now, that certainly changes things,” I said.
“Don’t it though?” Borgob said. I smiled.
“They should be right where I left them,” I said. “They were lost. Their leader, a wizard, could not remember the way.”
“How long since you left ‘em?”
“A few hours,” I said.
“Then let’s go. Ambush ‘em,” They cheered again.
“As you like it,” I said. They got their weapons and the cave troll and we made our way back to the divergence. We were forced to take a longer route down as the troll was not much of a climber. When we arrived at the spot I had left them, we were disappointed. They were gone.
“Now what?”
“I know which way they took. Follow me and we should catch them in no time,” I said, gathering up my robes.

Faramir (with mock astonishment): Robes? What, no fancy dress? Now this is unforgivable!
Kätchen: Finally a step towards realism. A pity it’s only a trifle, though.


Then we heard a horrible crashing sound.

Kraut: The PPC had finally come for Azra!

It sounded like something had fallen down a shaft.
“That’s in the tomb,” Borgob said.
“Let’s go,” I said. We took off running to face the Fellowship for the first time.

(All run out.)
"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz!
Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße.
Im Feuer mich baden!"
- Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two.
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Caranthol
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At Journey's End
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

7.Through the Mines

(A.N. Many thanks to Orcish Nations for the Black Speech translations.

Faramir (with disgust): Oh, great, now we must read that foul tongue, too!

They’ll pop up every now and again.)
My orcs were ready to take on the nine members of the Fellowship. I stayed with them up until they almost reached the door to the tomb.

Kraut (hums the theme of Tomb Raider.)

Then I took a detour up to find the rest of the orcs. I knew there had to be hundreds roaming around in the mines. I wanted those nine dead and if the band I had already sent couldn’t do it, we would need to overwhelm them. I didn’t think we’d need to wake up the Balrog, assuming he hadn’t done it himself.
I walked through the mines, collecting a trail of orcs behind me. It must have been an interesting sight, me in my blood red robes followed by hundreds of orcs. For the first time, I got to lead my army. It felt good to be in charge.

Eowyn: We can only hope the Orcs shared your confidence. I mean, you being totally inexperienced in leading and all.

I actually smiled to myself as we walked. It was the smile of a woman about to do something very naughty.

Pippin: Huh? I never knew killing a bunch of guys could be a sexual experience.
Kätchen: Nothing is too stupid or twisted for Suethors.


We bypassed the tomb below and I they began to take up places of entry in the main chamber. The room was cavernous with plenty of points of entry, but only one way out. The Bridge lay out the door I where I would be standing. It was the only way out of Moria and they would have to pass through me to get there.

Mouth: I think a sharp sword could handle that obstacle pretty quickly. Hell, I hope so!

I stationed myself just inside the door and waited. Surely by now they were either dead or about to come charging in. No sooner had I thought that did I see a light out of the corner of my eye. Somehow they had beaten the cave troll and made it out again. We would soon fix that. I stepped out from my hiding place.
“Prauta! Prauta!” I yelled. The Fellowship skidded to a stop, first looking at me, then the orcs that came streaming out like water.

Eowyn: Liquid Orcs? Now I've seen all.
Kraut: To prepare a drink made of Orcs, add some water to the concentrate, then shake. Add sugar according to your taste and enjoy!


This time we would take care of it. They drew their weapons, as if they had a chance of winning.

Faramir: What should they do, then? Sit on their arses and allow themselves to be killed?

I shook my head in disbelief. This was incredible. I would have expected a group being led by a wizard to know better. I waited for the pounce, but it never came. What did come was a horrible rumbling. The ground shook under our feet. I looked up to see the orcs scattering. That meant one thing. The Balrog was awake.

Eowyn: And it had got out of bed on the wrong side.

I may be immortal, but I’m not stupid.

Pippin (dryly): I wouldn’t bet my money on that.

I was not about to stay there and see what entailed a Balrog attack.

Kraut (deadpan): Why not? It would be an amazing action show!

I was out the door and down the stairs while they stood dumb. Frankly, if they were dumb enough to stand there, they deserved what was coming to them. I had made it to the bottom of the stairs when I saw them come crashing in. That’s when the stairs crumbled and they were forced to jump. I watched as they each in turn leapt from one side to the other. The dark man and one of the Hobbits were the last to jump. I was hoping they’d miss, but sorely disappointed.

Mouth: Hello, is there anyone home? One of the hobbits carries the bloody Ring, so you definitely don’t want them to fall into a bottomless rift.

It looked as if they would make it out of Moria alive. I was lamenting this fact mentally as I crossed the bridge. It had yet to give out. Some dwarf construction was halfway decent. The Balrog was catching up. I climbed up to a decent vantage point and got my first look at a Balrog. It wasn’t that terrifying.

Pippin (shivering): Did you see the same creature as I, then? At the moment I almost soiled my pants!

It was imposing, probably fifteen or twenty feet tall, with horns like a bull. It stood on two legs and wielded a fiery whip. Eight members made it across the bridge, but the wizard stopped. He was going to fight it.
“Brave, but stupid,” I said to myself. The Balrog was not pleased that he had been stopped. Obviously the wizard had some kind of counter magic that held it at bay.

Kraut: Yeah, he had a powder extinguisher!

The bridge opened up under the Balrog and down it fell.

Kätchen: I’ve always wondered why didn’t it just fly out?
Kraut: Balrogs don’t have wings.
Kätchen: Yes, they do!
Kraut: No, they don’t!
Kätchen: Yes!
Kraut: No!
Kätchen: Yes!
Kraut: No!
The others: SHUT UP, you two!


It looked like they had won out again. I groaned, convinced we were never going to get anywhere. Then, suddenly, the wizard fell. One of the Hobbits started yelling and trying to get to him and the Gondorian man held him back. The wizard disappeared into the chasm. I had to keep myself quiet, but I wanted to cheer.

Mouth: Had I been there, I’d surely have thrown the party of the century!

With their leader gone, they would be far easier to penetrate.

Pippin (with a crooked smile): Penetrate… Duh-huh-huh…
Eowyn (disgusted): Yuck! Please keep your thoughts as your own.


I decided to keep following them, even though I had promised not to. I had to find out who had the Ring. I met Angath outside. She was waiting patiently.

Faramir: I just wonder how did she survive for a week without feed, shelter or even a cover on its back?
Kraut: Oh, in the Sueland nothing needs to be tended. Things just happen automatically.


“Our journey isn’t over yet, kranklub,” I said, patting her. She tossed her head and snorted.

Kätchen (as Angath): For me, it is. I’m not gonna carry you without so much as a piece of bread sometimes!

I mounted her and waited for the eight to emerge. Now would be my time to test my shapeshifting skills. Angath and I rode just over the ridge where we could remain unseen. I knew Lothlorien lay not too far from our current position. Since there was an elf in the Fellowship, perhaps they would venture there. If not, I could convince them.

Eowyn (sarcastically): Her dazzling logic makes me feel small and stupid.

I rode up over the ridge. They were on their way down.
“Are you the party that set out from Rivendell?” I asked.
“We are,” the dark man said.

Pippin: Oh, no! Now the stupidity has spread even to Strider!
Mouth: It must be infectious.


“Then you are to come with me,” I said. “I ride from Lothlorien.”
“Then we shall follow,” he said.

All (facepalm.)
Kraut: Aragorn, shouldn’t you first ascertain that she is what she says?
Kätchen: Yep, she doesn’t even look Elvish!


I turned Angath around and we headed to the third realm of the elves. I had never spent much time there.

Faramir: A wise choice. The air of Lorien was pretty unhealthy for evil beings, if you take my meaning.

It was a fair distance to travel and what with Mirkwood on our doorstep, there was little need.

Eowyn: Not wanting to be nit-picky, but the distance actually is about the same.

The elf kept looking at me strangely. I was hoping he didn’t see through me.
“What is your name?” he finally asked. I froze. I had no idea what to say, so I blurted out the first name that came to mind.

Pippin (as Azra): Jane Smith!

“Authaenil,” I said. It was the name of an elf I had turned long ago. The only reason I remembered her name was she had begged me not to change her. She was the only one who ever had.

Kraut: So the rest of them wanted to be changed?
Kätchen: Uh, now that makes perfect sense. Or not.


It still moved me, now that I remembered. Her eyes nearly broke what little heart I had left.

Mouth: And you call yourself evil? You have a long way to go, miss.

I quickly pushed her from my mind.
“And what is yours?” I asked.
“Legolas,” he said. “I come from Mirkwood.” I nearly fell off Angath. That’s where I had seen him before. He had been the one who I had forgone kidnapping on my very first trip.

Pippin: I told you so! Damn I’m smart!

He would surely recognize me if I couldn’t keep up my ruse.

Faramir: What goes around, comes around.

All the more reason to not let it drop.
“And who travels with you?” I asked.
“The Ranger is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. There is Boromir of Gondor; Gimli, son of Gloin; and the Hobbits. The one walking with Aragorn is called Frodo, and the little one is Peregrin,” he said.

Eowyn: Wait, why didn’t he name Sam or Merry?
Mouth: I bet because the author doesn’t find them hawt.


Thank you for being so brilliantly gullible, I thought.

Pippin: And Itarilde, thank you for insulting our intelligence with this crap.
Kätchen: I think my suspension of disbelief just flew out the window. Not that there were much to begin with.


“Why are you traveling so far and with such a group?” I asked.

Kraut (as Aragorn): Oh, there’s this wonderful holiday resort in Umbar, but we hadn’t enough money to book airplane tickets.

“Have you not heard? The Ring of Sauron has been found,” he said.

All (stare.)
Faramir: Wow, that’s… I mean…
Eowyn (shaking her head): Oh, my! It is one thing to tell to a stranger that there’s a secret council to be organized, but this is just ridiculous!


I bit down on my tongue hard to keep from cheering. I could taste blood as I finally spoke.
“I have not heard, but I do not hear well these days,” I said. Now to get him to tell me who had it.

Mouth: Seeing how little brains they have in this fic, you could just ask straight away.

Which one I needed to kill first. Before I could speak, a bit of dust got in my nose and I sneezed.
“What was that?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said, wiping my nose.
“You sneezed,” he said.
“Did I?” I said.

Pippin: Lo and behold! The most intelligent conversation in this story is finally here!

He stopped and gave me a hugely suspicious look. Then something clicked in that little elvish brain of his. Elves never sneezed. Ever.

Kraut: So how do their bodies clean their breathing channels? I thought sneezing is a useful reflex.

Therefore, I was not what I said I was.
“Who are you?” he demanded.
“I told you who I am,” I said.
“Who are you really?” The rest of the Fellowship had stopped to watch this display.

Kätchen: They must have been very bored if this discussion was worth watching.

I was found out. No use in keeping it up anymore. I let them see me for what I really was.

Mouth: A flaming, Eru-damned, obnoxious Mary Sue?

“I am the keeper of Sauron’s armies. My name is Azra and you will not soon be rid of me,” Angath gave an impressive rear and we galloped off back in the direction of Mordor.

Faramir: Rather, you tried to, before Legolas shot you through from behind.

“What was that all about?” Merry asked.
“That was Azra, the witch of Mordor,” Legolas said.

Eowyn: And just stood there? Legolas, wake up! Take your bow and do what is necessary!

“I used to think she was a myth.”
“And now?” Pippin asked as they started walking.
“Obviously she is real. There are quite a few stories about her among my kind. I saw her myself once, about two thousand years ago.

Pippin: Uh, why did he then think she was just a myth?

She looked me in the eyes and then rode off with two of my cousins in her grasp.

Mouth: All the more reason not to let that bitch to escape like you just did.

She takes elves and turns them into orcs. No one knows exactly how.

Kraut: I have a theory. She makes everyone around her to hate her so much that even an angel would be turned into an Orc.

She roams mostly in Mirkwood because it is so close to Mordor. The story goes Sauron saw her when he first started the war and fell in love with her.

Kätchen: Information break: After he had been corrupted by Melkor, Sauron couldn’t even feel love towards anything except maybe for himself.

He made her the master of his orcs and gave her the gift of eternal life. She is said to be the most beautiful woman in the world

Faramir: Yeah, right! Luthien, anyone?

and that is what helps her capture her prey. They trust her because of her beauty.

Eowyn (dryly): All that glitters is not gold.

Apparently she has somehow learned to shapeshift,” he said.
“Which is why we followed her in the first place,” Aragorn said, looking back in my direction. “Does she know who has the Ring?”

Mouth: It doesn’t matter, really. In reality we would have given much to know even that one of you had it.

“No, I realized who she was before I said anything. She knows our names, that is all,” Legolas said.
“That could be dangerous enough,” Boromir said.
“We shall see,” said Aragorn. “We shall see.”

Pippin: Correct me if I’m wrong but shouldn’t he be a bit more worried about the fact that a henchman of Sauron now knows they are travelling with the Ring?
Kraut: Why should he? According to Itarilde all Sauron’s servants are such dumbasses they wouldn’t distinguish the Ring from a donut.


~*~*~*~*~*~

Eowyn (shocked): Oh my Eru!
Faramir: What?
Eowyn: I just remembered I forgot to water my roses before we were imprisoned.
Faramir: Well, they won’t die in a few seconds, will they?


Translation Corner:
Kranklub-Sister

Kätchen: Isn’t it strangely appropriate that a word meaning Azra’s sister is so ugly?
(All exit.)
"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz!
Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße.
Im Feuer mich baden!"
- Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two.
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Caranthol
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At Journey's End
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

8. Lady of Light

Kraut (singing): Moonlight lady, come along with me to the bright city lights, it’s all right, since tonight’s on me…

(A.N. I’m back at school, so the updates are going to be few and far between for a while. So, enjoy...)
Angath and I rode away from the Fellowship, but regrettably not fast enough. We were running in and out of the borders of Lothlorien.

Faramir (sarcastically): And of course it was unthinkable to ride northwards first so as to throw them off your trail.

Surely by now they would have alerted the elves that we were in the area.

Kätchen: How? With a field radio?

We nearly slammed into an elf that came bursting out of the trees. I pulled Angath up and she snorted and pranced unhappily as they surrounded us.

Eowyn (deadpan): It sure was pretty big an elf if he could surround a rider.

Sixteen of their bows against my sword were not good odds.

Pippin: Ya think so?

“Come with us peacefully and we will not kill you,”

Mouth (as the elf): That is, not yet.

one said. I supposed he was their leader.
“Fine,” I said, getting off Angath. I surrendered my sword and we started walking. Lothlorien was far different than Mirkwood. It seemed lighter and more open.

Faramir: She could see? They bound the eyes of even the Fellowship, so why she’s allowed to walk just like that?
Eowyn: She’s going to die in any case, if the elves have a shred of intelligence. So she could see anything, since she’s as good as dead already.


I had only been near it once and that was many years ago. Of the three kinds of elves, I knew the least about the ones in Lothlorien.
“So you are the witch of Mordor.

Mouth: A little correction: She’s the Bitch of Mordor.

The one they say traps with her beauty. The beloved servant of the dark lord,” the leader said.
“The fact that your kind is gullible does not hurt, elf,” I snapped.

Kraut (sarcastically): Way to go, Azra! It’s definitely smart to insult people who could kill you before you drew another breath.

“A tongue like that could get you killed,” he said.
“This tongue is the only thing that has kept me alive,” I retorted.

Pippin (confused): But I thought it was her ring!

We walked more in silence. I was beginning to wonder just when it would end.

Kätchen (deadpan): 25 o’clock in 32 January.

We went farther into the heart of the forest and it got darker. The canopies were thick and blocked out a great deal of light. I looked up and saw elves gliding in the trees like they belonged there. I did not see the Fellowship anywhere. I did not especially want to see them, either.

Pippin: Rest assured that the feeling is mutual.

The elf leader took me up a winding stair to the upper canopies of the trees. I took little comfort in the fact they could not kill me.

Faramir: Someone’s confused about her concepts. Being immortal means you won’t die by natural causes. Being invulnerable means you can’t die by sword or arrow.
Eowyn (frowning): And if she cannot be killed, why on Arda did she allow herself to be captured? Couldn’t she just have ridden away?


There were far worse things than death in this world.

Pippin: Hangover?
Kraut: Romantic comedies?
Kätchen: Rap music?


As the principal purveyor of that sort of thing, I knew better.
“Wait here,” he said. I stood before an intricate archway as he left. I could try and escape, but that wouldn’t do me much good. They would just catch me again.

Mouth: Yes, and there’s probably at least a dozen archers concealed in the woods around you.

I could not fight my way out. That elf had taken my sword and I was no good at hand to hand. I had no choice but to stand there.

Pippin (dumb voice): You know, you could always sit, too.
Faramir: Oh, come on, that was lame.
Pippin: Not as lame as this fic.


I fidgeted a little and tried not to chew on the inside of my lip. I had scars on the insides of my mouth from that habit.

Eowyn: Now, I have heard that some young girls may cut themselves, but this is…
Mouth: Pathetic?
Eowyn: Precisely.


“Welcome, Azra,” a soft female voice said. I jumped and looked around. At the top of the archway stood

Kätchen:…The Wicked Witch of the West.
Mouth: Hey, how can you know how we called Galadriel in Mordor?
Kätchen (stares Mouth in surprise): I didn’t.


an elf woman. She smiled at me. I couldn’t remember ever being speechless around an elf before. She was stunningly beautiful.

Kraut: But then again, aren’t all elves that?

I bowed my head.
“How do you know my name?” I asked.

Faramir: I’d make a name tag joke, but that’s a bit old by now.
Eowyn: Truly.


“I have watched you. I have seen you in my mind,” she said.

Kätchen (as Galadriel): I have a TV set inside my head!

“Who are you?”
“My name is Galadriel,” she said. “I know you do not know me.” I shook my head.
“Most of the elves don’t give me their names,” I said.
“You are a brave girl and you are old,” she said.

Eowyn (snorting): It’s easy to be brave when one commands thousands of henchmen.
Pippin: Besides, isn’t calling someone a girl and then saying she’s old a bit… self-contradicting?


“You have seen much.”
“As have you,” I said. Her eyes were deep and the only thing that betrayed her age. I had a feeling she thought the same when she looked at me. We were two old souls in a world that begged us for guidance.

Faramir (dryly): Galadriel, perhaps. But under your “guidance” the world would go to the dogs pretty soon.

We just happened to be on different sides.

Kraut (exasperated): Oh, please! You are mortal enemies! In reality Galadriel would see you more disgusting than a rabid beast.
Mouth: Truly. And every self-respecting bad guy with enough power would attack her on sight, not think about her as an equal. Oh, would that I have had the chance to encounter that witch sword to sword!


“So why am I still here?” I asked.
“You followed a Fellowship through Moria and into here. They have what you need,” she said.

All (facepalm.)
Kätchen (hotly): That’s enough, Itarilde! You are making a complete fool out of my favourite character! You… You… (lets out an inarticulate cry of frustration.)
Kraut (eyes wide): Wow, and she’s considered to be one of the Wise?
Pippin: I begin to think that the Ring wasn’t that important a business after all, if all speak of it this candidly.


“Yes,” I said.
“But you know you will not get it back, not this time,” she said.
“Yes,” I said again.
“Do you know what will happen if you do get it back?” she said.

Eowyn (as Azra, robot voice): Yes.

“It is what I have been hoping for since the day it was lost. Shadow is not so terrible when it is all you know,” I replied.
“But you do not know only shadow. You knew light once,” said Galadriel.

Kraut (boredly): Galadriel, why don’t you just hand her one of those Jack Chick tracts and get over with it?

“I did. It has long since faded from me and I do not miss it,” I said.
“I know,” she said. “Go from here and return to your lord.”

All (stare.)
Mouth: Just… just like that? Whatever you goody goodies were, you definitely weren’t that lenient!


“Should I speak of you?” I asked.

Eowyn (as Galadriel): If you could be so kind. Please tell him that I wait him to come play bridge next Sunday.

“He would not believe you and you know it. Your lord knows my name. He gave me this,” she pulled up her sleeve.

Faramir (uneasily): Oh, no… Don’t let this go too far…

On the middle finger of her right hand

Mouth:… which she held out for Azra…
Pippin (as gangsta!Galadriel): Ya see this finger, punk? It tells you to fuck off!


was a ring. It was Nenya, one of the original nineteen rings.

Faramir: Arrrghhh! She did it!
Kraut (annoyed): Itarilde, read my goddamned lips: Nenya. Was. A. Secret. Even most of the Elves weren’t allowed to know who kept them. Got it?
Kätchen: Not to mention Sauron never even touched the Three, much less made them.


As far as I knew, it was still good. The One had yet to touch it.
“Your horse waits for you at borders of our land and we will return your sword.

All (squirm on their seats.)
Eowyn (grimacing): This is so utterly retarded that it hurts!


Go from here quickly and you will remain unharmed,” she said. I picked up my head and walked back down from the canopy. The elf who had led me there was waiting. He handed me my sword.
“Take the path through to the eastern borders,” he said.
“I can find my own way out,” I said. He didn’t reply. I sheathed my sword and started my walk out. None of the last hour had made any sense.

Pippin (dryly): The first completely true sentence in the whole story.

Why was this elf queen interested in me? Why hadn’t they shot me on sight?

Mouth: Just the question I wanted to put. For the first time in my life I would have cheered the elves.

Maybe they knew I couldn’t die. Maybe they wanted me to tell them something. I had told them something, but nothing they already knew.

(Snickers.)
Kraut: I’m not an interrogator, but wouldn’t asking about things about which one already knew be a bit pointless?


Or perhaps this Galadriel wanted to meet the butcher of her people on her own ground. All I really knew for sure is she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. My eyes had only seen ugliness for so long, it was like beauty was magnified. It was all part of the balance.

Mouth: Balance? What are you, girl, a Buddhist? It is us or them! The world isn’t big enough for both Sauron the Great and those annoying hypocrites.

There is no light without darkness. There is no beauty without ugliness. There is no good without evil.

Faramir (exasperated): That’s bullshit and you know it! Evil is only a hideous perversion, a stain to be wiped away from the face of earth and in the End it will be destroyed. It didn’t originally belong to Eru’s plan.
Pippin: You just voiced my exact thoughts.


She was the only thing in all of Middle Earth that had made me doubt my own beauty. I would ponder it all the way back to Barad-dur.

Eowyn: I would rather ponder upon why Galadriel did suddenly turn so stupid.
(All exit.)

"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz!
Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße.
Im Feuer mich baden!"
- Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two.
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At Journey's End
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

9. Seduction of Power

(A.N. This is a dull chapter really, but necessary.

Faramir: Oh, no, it isn’t. No one forces you to write.

Sad, I know. It’ll get better.

Eowyn: Begging your pardon, I highly doubt that.

Thanks so much to my reviewers. Your input is greatly appreciated.)
Nothing made much sense after my encounter with Galadriel.

Pippin (sarcastically): Oh, so something did make sense before it?

My world had somehow changed.

Kraut: Perhaps Itarilde finally got a beta reader who said: “Cut the Sue, insert a balanced character.”

It took me days to even reorient myself in the tower that I could walk through blindfolded. My lord noticed it first. He always did.

Mouth (deadpan): That was not hard, Azra bumping into walls and doorways.

“Azra, why do you wander?” he asked.

Kätchen (as Azra): I just joined the Wandervögel.

“I am not lost,

Kraut: Oh, yes, you are. Body and soul.
Faramir: Wrong ‘lost’, Master Kraut.


if that is what you mean,” I said.
“No, your mind,” he said.
“I have had much to think about.

Eowyn (as Azra): Too bad I can’t do that.

The Ring is almost ours again. We can track them, kill them and get it back,” I said.

Mouth: So do something, idiot! Don’t just mope around looking helpless!

“Then you will be restored to power.”
“You saw something you have never seen before when you followed them. Something you didn’t expect,” he said.
“Yes,” I replied softly.
“It causes you pain, but you do not suffer,”

Pippin: Huh? Now that’s an oxymoron.
Kraut: Or perhaps just moron.


said Sauron.
“Yes,” I said again. There was no point in lying. He knew me too well. He knew my thoughts even better.

Kätchen: Knowing the ‘depth’ of them, that wouldn’t be such a wonder.

“Push it from you as you did your mercy. There was a time when you could not dream of harming an elf,” he said.

Mouth (laughing): Really? If so, she was cured of it remarkably fast!

“That was a long time ago,” I said.
“Yes, it was,”
“Then I shall do so. Do you require anything else?” I asked.

Pippin (as Sauron): Yes. Fetch me my pipe and slippers. And the latest newspaper.

“No, nothing that you have not already done,” he said. I walked up to my room, leaving the glowing eye watching me. He knew exactly what had happened, but he wouldn’t speak of it. I would never know why.

Faramir: But I know. He just can't find the words to express the stupidity of the whole Galadriel scene.
Eowyn: Or his period as a goldfish affected his reason.


That was part of life with him. Sauron was his own master. Even those he called allies never knew his true purpose.
Sauron told Saruman about the Fellowship and all I had learned.

Mouth: About the Ring, too? Itarilde, are you shitting me?

It was Saruman’s turn to prove the worth of his Uruk-hai. I was deciding on whether or not to go with them. It would be a long journey even to catch up with the party. Angath was still recovering from our last trip.

Kraut: And the malnutrition of a few weeks plus severe cold bites.

It was in my best interest to stay in Mordor. I had done enough. Everything seemed to be falling into place on its own. Then again, things aren’t always what they seem.
I spent more time in my room than I had before.

Kätchen (deadpan): ‘Cause Sauron had grounded her.

I was slowly regaining my old sense of self. There I read the histories we had collected over the centuries. Most had once been true, but had degenerated into myths and legends. My name was mentioned in passing a few times, but mostly because the authors were unsure I was real.

Faramir: Rest assured, you are not. Why don’t you just vanish?

That fact alone meant I had been doing my job right. As I was reading, Baghrat came in.
“Word from Saruman. They have nearly caught the party,” he said. I looked up.
“Nearly?” I repeated.
“They have a little farther yet to travel,” he said.
“And what will they do once they catch them?” I asked.

Eowyn (sarcastically): Have a picnic with them, of course. What do you expect?

“Their orders were to return the halflings and kill the rest,” he replied.
“Very well then,” I said, going back to my book.
“Why do they want the Ring?” asked Baghrat. It was the first time I’d ever heard an orc wonder such a thing.

Mouth: If I was in charge, that would be the last thing the Orc ever wondered about. The Ring was not their business, after all.

“It holds a great power. The only one who can wield it is Sauron himself. Men just think they can. There is little in this world more seductive than power.

Kätchen: Except chocolate. Mmmm… Soft, nice chocolate…
Kraut: Hey, stop it! You are making me hungry.


Sauron retains my services to keep his power. I am the means to the end,” I said. “Sauron poured his very life force into that Ring. It answers only to him.”

Pippin (clapping his hands): Bravo, bravo! You are the World Champion of Utter Idiocy! After this telling of weighty secrets to an Orc you have absolutely no rivals.

“And what if someone else was to put it on?” he asked..
“The Naz-gul would find it rather quickly. They are tied to it as well. We all are. I feel its power daily, but it is not up to me to get it back,” I replied.

Mouth (coldly): So you are useless. And if so, you are also dead pretty soon.

“You create a means to get it back,” he said.
“In a way,” I said. He bowed out of the room and left me to my reading. I closed the book and looked out the window. I was letting my mind wander when a powerful jolt shot through me.

Kraut (deadpan): Someone had just shot her through with a 7.92 mm Mauser rifle. She died slowly. The End.

My right hand burned and heat radiated up and down my arm, into my chest.

Kätchen: Oh, it was a Molotov cocktail, after all. Efficient, if a bit extravagant.
Mouth: Killing that abomination with fire is not extravagant, it is a simple deed of humanity.


Someone had put on the Ring. The Uruks would surely find them now. I caught my breath and smiled.
Yes, I thought, Isn’t it just too much to bear...

Faramir: Yes, this fic is just too much to bear, thank you very much.
(All exit.)

"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz!
Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße.
Im Feuer mich baden!"
- Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two.
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At Journey's End
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

10. Replaced

Mouth: About time!

(A.N. I have returned.

Faramir (as Itarilde):…to rape your eyes and torture your good taste with the crap I call literature.

My first year of college is over and I have until August off. Hopefully, I’ll update more regularly.

Kraut (with a groan): Those accursed summer holidays!
Voice of Deusexmachina: Have hope, my friends. It seems Itarilde stopped writing after this chapter. After this you will have a few days’ leave again.
All (cheer. A triumphant fanfare is heard.)


Enjoy the latest.)

Eowyn: That’s a cruel joke, isn’t it? (shocked) Oh, wait, she is serious!
Pippin (curtly): Remarkable.


It didn’t take long for word to travel to us. The Uruks had caught up with the party at Amon Hen. That was the good news. The bad news was, they only caught two of the halflings.
“What? There were four!” I snapped

Kätchen (deadpan): Azra, calcium is necessary for the health of the bones. Forget your diet and drink some milk.

when I got the news.
“They said they only found two,” Baghrat said. I picked up the nearest thing and threw it. He ducked.

Mouth: Before attacking her with a crooked sword.

“That means they’ve got a fifty percent chance that they found the one that carries it,” I couldn’t believe the utter stupidity of Saruman’s creatures.

Faramir: Methinks it has spread from you to them.

“Maybe they got the right one,” he suggested.
“I wouldn’t bet on it. Those things have all the brains of rocks.

Eowyn: Where have you learned about Orcs, Azra? The Uruks were actually smarter than the other kinds. And despite the appearances, even the normal Orcs weren’t exactly stupid.

They wouldn’t have thought to search the area. The others were probably hiding and one of them probably has the Ring,” I said. I paced angrily around the room for a good five minutes not saying anything.

Mouth (slapping his forehead): A fine time to freeze, I must say. Issue orders, send patrols, do something, damn it! Don’t just wear the floor!

Baghrat just stood there, waiting for instruction.
“Find out where they are,” I said.

Kraut: Easier said than done, especially since you are so vague in giving orders.

“Yes, my lady,” he said and left. I couldn’t believe what they’d done. Now our great hope had been dashed again.

Kätchen: Teaches you to trust subcontractors, you lazy ass!

It was beginning to take a toll on my nerves. All of these near misses. I was half tempted to go out and hunt down the Hobbit on my own.

Faramir (sarcastically): Oh, since your last mission was such a success?

Sauron would never allow it and the odds I actually found him were slim. Instead, I settled for pouting some more.

(Laughter.)
Eowyn: Yeah, that must be veeery helpful!
Kraut: Wow, she’s even more ineffective than your average state bureau.


I think the last time I had a good pout was sometime early in the Second Age.

Pippin (confused): Uh, wouldn’t that mean she already was some 3400 years old even when she entered Sauron’s service? I thought she was eighteen.

“They’re in Rohan,” Baghrat’s voice jerked me back to reality. “The ones with the Hobbits are nearing Fangorn. Other bands are sacking and burning the Westfold. Saruman has taken a great interest in the fall of Rohan. He’s possessed the king, or so I was informed.”
“What does he want with Rohan? Men are weak, why not just let them be?” I asked.

Faramir (dryly): Maybe because they are the only obstacle between the complete domination of the Westlands and Sauron.

He shrugged.
“Okay, yes, if we kill the entire race of men then we have no competition.

Eowyn: Now she doesn’t even comprehend the basic policy of her master. Sauron didn’t want to kill all Men, he wanted to rule them under his absolute authority. Isn’t that so, master Mouth?
Mouth: Close enough.


The elves have been leaving for…wherever…for centuries. They offer the last threat,” I said, thinking out loud.
“As you said, my lady, they are weak,” he said. I thought about it for a moment.
“The weak can be made strong if united under a leader. Someone they would all pledge their allegiance to, but men are distrusting. Such a leader would have to be someone powerful. Do they have anyone with such power?” At this point, I had stopped talking to Baghrat completely. I was absorbed in my own thoughts. This called for some research.

Kraut (deadpan): So she hired a private detective.
Pippin (as the detective): Here is all the material I could gather, madam.
Kätchen (as Azra): Oh, you dumbass! I didn’t want photographs of a drunken Aragorn screwing some chick from Bree, I wanted relevant information about him!
Pippin (as the detective): Ah, but you only said you wanted something to use against him.
Kätchen (as Azra): D’oh!


“I’m going to the study. If you hear anything else, come get me,” I said. He nodded. I rooted through everything I could find. I read about kings, stewards, heirs, and anything else that looked like it might provide some insight. As I was flipping through what felt like the hundredth book, I came across something.
“Aragorn?” That name triggered something in my mind.

Kraut: If we are lucky, it’s a self-destruction device.

Then it hit me. The ranger traveling with the party had been named Aragorn.

Faramir: Only, that name shouldn’t have any meaning to you. His existence was a secret, so I highly doubt it would have been written in a book, much less in a book that would end up in Mordor.

I ran down to the throne room and pulled the cloth off the palantir.

Kätchen (as Azra): To hell with the work, it’s time to watch today’s episode of the Young and Restless! I wonder what Brittany is up to…

“I have discovered something, my lord,” I said quickly.
“What have you discovered?” he asked.
“The man, the ranger with the party from Rivendell, his name is Aragorn,” I said. That seemed to get his attention.
“Aragorn, son of Arathorn?”
“Yes,” I said. “He’s the sole heir of Numenor.”

Eowyn: Wrong, miss. He was the heir of Arnor and Gondor. Numenor had been under the waves for, what, three thousand and a hundred years?

“I am aware of that fact. And you say he was with the ones who carry the Ring?” he asked.

Pippin: Sauron, are you deaf so that you must repeat everything?
Kraut: Hey, he’s a floating eye, after all, not ear.
Pippin: True enough.


“But the party splintered at Amon Hen, thanks in no small part to Saruman’s oafish Uruk Hai. There is no way of knowing where he is now,” I said.

Kätchen (as Sauron): I knew I should have invested in those spying satellites!

“We shall worry about that soon enough. Let me take care of it,” he said. I was insulted.

Mouth: But not more than my intelligence has been this far.

I had gone to all this trouble to figure out who we needed to kill and he was brushing me off.

Faramir (coldly): Tough. That’s the way the bad guys handle business. Live with it.

“As you wish,” I said.
“Azra,” he said, as I was leaving.
“Yes, my lord?”
“Your time will come,” I had no idea what that meant. As if I hadn’t done enough for him.

(Laughter.)
Eowyn: Oh, I daresay you hadn’t!


I had slaved to create the greatest army in Middle Earth for three and a half millennia. I had been his loyal servant for an equally long period. It was irritating to be pushed to the back.

Pippin (yawning): My heart is bleeding for you, Azra.

Saruman appeared to have taken my place. I cursed him and his Uruks as I walked back to the study.
“You don’t look happy,” Baghrat said.
“I’m not,” I replied shortly. “I’ve been replaced.”

All (cheer.)
Kraut: So, that was the end of it. Let’s get some lunch!
Pippin: You just voiced my exact thoughts.
(All exit.)

"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz!
Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße.
Im Feuer mich baden!"
- Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two.
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