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MST: Stuck in Middle earth; A gigantic Sue fic.
Topic Started: Aug 1 2009, 07:18 PM (2,671 Views)
Refia
Member Avatar
Paying Tribute to the Past
MST: Stuck in Middle earth
Author: Refia
Genre: Humor/MST
Text based on: “Stuck in Middle earth” by “shadow08”
Rating: K
Characters: Mastermind, Sesshoumaru, Refia, Mia, Vanille, Branar
Summary: While Refia is recovering, Mastermind gives Mia and Sesshoumaru and the new readers a huge LotR badfic to take their minds off Refia’s condition.
Warnings: SUE! Sue! Oh, and did I mention Sue?

Mia let out a deep sigh. She had stopped counting just how many of those depressed sighs she had sighed already that day. She slept badly lately, could barely force some – even though it was excellent – food through her throat and for a moment couldn’t do anything but think of Refia, her friend who was still in a deep coma. After the last badfic, an absolutely monstrous Bionicle slashfic, Toa Ignika had lost it completely, so traumatized by the fic he had been. The Ignika had forsaken its body and had gone back to being just a Mask again. When Refia had touched it, the traumatized mask had lashed out with its power of life, knocking the blonde in a coma thanks to an overdose of Life energy.

And so here Mia sat, at Refia’s bedside, watching her comatose friend as she slowly gave off all the Life energy the Ignika had knocked into her. Only when all of it was gone did the blonde have a chance to reawaken again. Mia sat here almost all the time, night and day. Ever since she had been taken out of her home world by Mastermind to read badfics, Refia had been there as a close friend she could laugh, talk and share secrets with. Now that the Ignika was sent back to the LEGO company – its creators – to be repaired, Mia only had the stoic and cold Sesshoumaru for company. Talking to him would be no different than talking to a wall. Sesshoumaru was a DaYoukai, a great demon lord. ‘Ningen’, like Mia and Refia, were beneath him. Only Toa Ignika had ever received respect from Sesshoumaru, as the Toa of Life could hardly be called weak, with his control over all of Life.

But those days were past now. Now it was just her and Sesshoumaru, and Refia in a coma. Oh, Mastermind had promised replacements alright, but it wouldn’t be the same as with Refia and the innocent and cute Toa of Life. Suddenly, she heard the speakers turn on. Mia inwardly groaned. What did Mastermind want this time?

“Mia, would you be so kind as to go to the living room? The replacements for Refia and Toa Ignika have arrived, and I have an announcement to make.”

With another sigh, Mia stood up. Before she left the room, she glanced one last time at Refia, who was as still as the day she had been knocked in a coma. Mia quickly averted her eyes and headed downstairs to the living room. When she entered, Sesshoumaru was already there, together with who Mia presumed were the replacements. One was a girl with red hair tied in two pigtails, with green eyes, wearing a pinkish top and a skirt of animal hides, as well as many bracelets and necklaces. She appeared very… tribal, to Mia. The girl appeared as a kind and gentle person, like Refia had been, even though she was looking nervously in every direction right now.

The other newcomer stood a great distance away from the other two. As soon as she saw him, Mia knew he had to come from the Bionicle universe like Toa Ignika had. There was no other way to explain this fully armoured being. He was tall, nearly as tall as Sesshoumaru, clad in red and black armour and appeared even taller thanks to the two enormous blades he wore as shoulder armour. He shot a glare in Mia’s direction as she entered, but quickly diverted it again, totally uninterested in her.

“Ah, Mia, good of you to join us,” Mastermind said cheerfully through the speakers in the four corners of the room. “I present to you and Sesshoumaru the replacements for Refia and Toa Ignika. The girl goes by the name of Oerba Dia Vanille…”

“Just Vanille is fine,” the girl interrupted quietly.

“Vanille it is then,” Mastermind continued, unperturbed. “And the male here is Branar, a strong and proud Skrall warrior.”

“Indeed,” Branar snapped, with obvious irritation. “I am a Skrall, a named one at that. I demand to know who has the nerve to take me from my tribe just as we marched to war!”

“Why, I, Mastermind, of course,” the deity replied as if it were obvious. “And do not worry, Branar. To war or reading badfics here, the end result is the same: you’ll fight for survival.”

“This Sesshoumaru demands to know what announcement Mastermind had to make besides introducing him to these two powerless vermin,” the great Youkai Lord interrupted, snarling.

“Ah, always so impatient and demanding, Sesshoumaru. Do not forget, I have the power to bring your young charge here to read badfics too, so you’d best behave.” Sesshoumaru growled, but said nothing. “Anyway,” Mastermind went on. “I have decided to give you all a new badfic, called ‘Stuck in Middle earth’. It is one huge suefest, so it shouldn’t be as taxing on the sanity as the last fic was. However, as this fic is enormous, no less than thirty-five chapters, I have decided that four of you is not enough. Therefore, each chapter you will be joined by a guest.”

The doors of the living room opened, but nobody entered. Clearly they had opened to make the four leave.

“As it is, the first guest is waiting in the theatre already, and the fanfic will begin right now. So get to it! Oh, and Branar, you best behave, too, or I’ll bring a female Skrall over to keep you company.”

If he could have, Branar would have paled. Vanille and the Skrall warrior followed Mia and Sesshoumaru into the theatre, where indeed another person was waiting for them. He appeared to be in his early twenties, had short brown hair and a calm smirk on his face. His clothing was strange, unlike any the four had seen before. It seemed medieval and yet at the same time modern. When the guest noticed his four companions had entered, he turned to greet them. He even went as far as to make a light bow before the two ladies.

“Greetings, gentlemen and lovely ladies. The name’s Balthier, professional Sky Pirate and your current guest for reading this…” He looked up and addressed the ceiling. “Badfic, was it?”

“Indeed. Now everybody take a seat, the story is about to begin,” Mastermind replied. There was a blinding flash as Vanille’s and Branar’s minds were filled by Mastermind with the knowledge they needed for understanding this story, and then everybody took a seat. Branar sat on the back row with Sesshoumaru, only on the opposite end of him. They both snarled at each other, but then focussed their attention on the screen. Vanille made to sit next to Mia, only to have Balthier suavely place himself between the two girls with a smirk.

“I hope you don’t mind, ladies,” he grinned even as Mia sent him an annoyed look. Vanille merely blushed. The lights dimmed, the screen lit up as the story began.


Stuck in Middle earth
by Shadow08

Mia: Well, as Refia would say, here we go.

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR.

Mia: Small blessings, I still love thee.

and i higly doubt i ever will unless of course, by some miracle, JRRT rises from the dead and personally gives it's ownership to me.

Balthier: Wishful thinking, dear?
Vanille: Ehm, what happed to capitalizing the ‘i’ of I?
Mia: It fled from the badfic, obviously.


and since that is as likely to happen as it is for pigs to fly, let's just get on with the story.

Balthier: Well, I shall admit, at least the author is realistic.
Mia: For now.


Chapter 1: A big surprise...

Branar: For who? Us or the characters?
Sesshoumaru: The characters, obviously. This Sesshoumaru already knows this will be a Sue-fic, thus no surprise is possible for this Sesshoumaru.
Branar: Do you always talk so high and mighty?
Sesshoumaru: Yes.
Branar (grumbling): Figures.


Samantha Richards sat in front of the computer, her best friend Natasha Sanders sitting beside her. She was really beginning to get annoyed at Tasha's constant rants about how simply "to die for" Faramir was.

Vanille: Well, those names seem normal enough…
Mia: I suppose. Which, by the way, begs the question: who in Sol’s name named you after a taste?
Vanille: The staff of Square Enix, I suppose. Besides, you think ‘Oerba Dia Vanille’ is bad? You should meet Lightning, Snow and Hope, Mia.
Mia: Fine, I admit, there are worse names.


"Honestly, if I hear you say "Faramir is hot" one more time I'm gonna jump off the roof!" she said in exasperation.

Branar: Faramir is hot.
*Balthier makes jumping noise.*


"Oh, shut up Sam!" Tasha told her friend. "You're just as big of a fan as I am! Besides, I'm not the one who memorized all three films and movies."

Mia: Two wrongs do not a right make. Just because she is as bad as you doesn’t justify you lusting after… let me guess: Legolas.
Vanille: I wonder, by the way, who ‘Tasha’ is. The author didn’t introduce her yet, did she?
Balthier: It’s an abbreviation of ‘Natasha’, my dear.
Vanille: Oh.


"It's not my fault I was born with a photographic memory, you jackass." she said her eyes on the computer screen.

Sesshoumaru: Enter the swearing.
Branar: It makes the author like, so smart.


"Oh come on Sammie!" Tasha crooned. "You know you love Legolas."

Mia: Surprise, surprise…

"Oh hush up, you marshmallow!" she retorted with a smile.

Vanille: Marshmallow…? That’s an insult…?
Balthier: Only if you’re a marshmallow.


She and Tasha were always fighting,

*Branar snorts.*

or to put it in more accurate terms, bantering.

Sesshoumaru: Well, at least she had the decency to correct herself.

Tasha and Sam were as different as night and day. Tasha was the extrovert of the two. She preffered things like cheerleading, guys, bright colors and parties, which suited her blonde hair and trim body.

Balthier: But of course, character depends on the colour of one’s hair!

Sam on the other handwas the introvert.

Mia: Spaces, use them.

Preffering to stay at home and reading books, than going out. She was the more sensible of the two.

Vanille: How sensible is that, I wonder?
Mia: Let’s see… Tasha probably has the intelligence of a demented worm, so Sam probably is about as intelligent as your average goldfish.
Vanille: Which is an insult to every goldfish?
Mia (smiling): Indeed, you’re catching on quickly!


Blessed with a photographic memory, she could do almost anything.

Branar: Except not being a Sue.
Sesshoumaru (to himself): He too catches on quickly…


a top student and a lover of Black and other dark colors. And her attitude suited her raven hair and pale skin perfectly.

Balthier: The author probably is as shallow as her two Sues if she really believes that last sentence.
Mia: I wouldn’t doubt it.


"Mmmm.. Marshmallow.." Tasha said dreamily. Sam laughed and threw a pillow at her friend.

Vanille (as pillow): Why me?!

As she was skimming the web page she was on the monitor suddenly turned off and the printer started vibrating, clearly printing something.

Branar (dryly, as printer printing): Die, sue!

"What the fuck!" she screeched sitting up. Sam picked up her bag from the foot of the computer table and threw it onto the bed.

Balthier: Why is this relevant again?
Vanille: I think it isn’t, really.


Tasha had stood up and was now clutching Sam's arm.
"What happened?" she asked in a nervous whisper.

Mia (as Sam): The printer hates me!
Sesshoumaru: And with good reason.


"Tash, I'd like my arm to live please." she answered breatheing as she loosened her grip.
"It's printing something."Tasha said.

Branar: Thank you, captain obvious.

"No shit." she answered reaching over and picking up the papers. "Looks like we have to assemble this."

Vanille: Why do they have to, exactly? Couldn’t they do a lot of other things with printed papers besides assembling them.
Mia: First rule of a badfic, Vanille: logic does not exist.


She walked over to her bed and sat down. Reaching over to her bag she brought out a roll of scotch tape.
"Sam if you don't mind my asking, why do you have like, a ton of clothes and stuff in here?"
Tasha asked her friend as she rummaged through her stuff.

Balthier: I’d like to know that as well, as a matter of fact. Certainly, I had my number of spare clothing with me at all time, being the leading man and all, but regardless conveniently having everything needed in a backpack is a trait these Sue’s share. Why, pray tell, is this so?

"Sleeping over at my Mom's house." she answered vaguely.
"Oh." Tasha said falling silent. Sam's parents had separated a year ago so she was now living with her dad. But she still had to visit her mom from time to time.

Sesshoumaru: Tragic past, how this Sesshoumaru loathes thee.

"I got it!" Sam exclaimed.

Mia: The “Ten ways to become intelligent” guide!
Vanille: The “How to not be a Sue!” guide!
Balthier: The “How to be an interesting character with a developed personality” guide!


"What?"
"It's a map!" she explained exuberantly.
"A map?" she asked quizzically.

Vanille (as sam): Map. M-A-P. A geographical drawing, or something like that.

"Yep. Of Middle Earth." answered Sam quickly taping up the pieces.

Branar: So? Sir Tolkien made maps of his world himself, I believe. So it really isn’t that big a surprise to find a map of it.

"Woah," Tasha breathed as she saw it. It was a complete map of Middle Earth. She watched Sam trace a finger lightly on the trail the fellowship had taken on it's journey. Sam's hand rested on the spot before Caradhras.
"Shit." Sam whispered loudly.

Mia (as Sam): I’ve touched paper! Now I’ll become intelligent! No!

"What?"Tasha asked.
"My bleeding finger is stuck!" she answered. Tasha's eyes grew wide.

Sesshoumaru: And then she started laughing out loud.
Branar: Getting stuck on a piece of paper? Pathetic. Utterly pathetic.


"Give me the bag!" she screeched at her friend. It was handed to her just as her finger started slipping down into the paper map.

Mia (yawning): And enter the ‘go to Middle earth’ scene.
Balthier (leaning back in his seat with his eyes closed): Wake me when it’s over.


Sam screamed as she sank through, seeing this, Tasha grabbed her friend's ankle. But she might as well have jumped in as well, for all the good it did. And she was pulled in as well.

Vanille: Ehm… Of course she was!
*Mia nods her approval.*


The map disappearing from her bed and falling after them.

Balthier (as map): Wait for me!

Sam screamed loudly as she fell, her surroundings spinning. She heard a familiar screaming somewhere near her.
"Tasha!" she managed to scream out.
"Sam! What's happening!" came her friends scream.

Mia (as Sam): What do you think is happening, idiot?! We’re FALLING.

"HELP!" screamed Sam desperately to the people on the ground below them.

Sesshoumaru: Naturally, there conveniently are some friendly people down below to save the poor creatures from falling to their well deserved deaths.
Branar: Unfortunately.


Bracing herself for the impact of the ground rushing up to meet them, she closed her eyes.
A pair of strong arms caught both girls as they fell from the sky, eyes closed.

Vanille: I’m no expert on gravity and stuff, but if they fell from such great height, wouldn’t catching them make the person who caught them fall to the ground as well?
Balthier: In normal circumstances, I suppose so, yes. But…
Mia: This is a badfic.
Vanille: Ah yes, of course…


"Oh my god, am I dead?" she asked aloud, trembling and not opening her eyes.

Branar (as person who caught her): Yes you are! I’m the devil, and you’re in hell!

"I should say not my lady." answered a voice.

*Everybody lets out a disappointed sigh.*

"Though you almost killed me with your bag."

Mia: Poor sod probably would have been better off dead, too.

"Where's Tasha?" she asked still not opening her eyes.
"If you are reffering to your companion, she is fine. Aragorn is attending to her as we speak." he answered. He still had not set her down.

Sesshoumaru: The one who caught her clearly lost his mind. Who would be willing to hold a Sue longer than is necessary?
Branar: An OOC character, obviously.


She gasped. "Aragorn?" she asked skeptically. " Do you mean to say I'm in Middle Earth?"

Mia (dryly): Of course she is.

"Why yes, you are, fair maiden." he answered.

Balthier (laughing): Fair maiden? Please! The lady Ashe, or my lovely partner Fran, now those were fair maidens… But these Sues? Never!

"I don't believe you." she retorted. "And I won't. Not unless I hear Gandalf."

Vanille: But… she has never heard Gandalf’s voice before, so… how…?
Mia: Badfic, Vanille, badfic…
Balthier: That, and the author probably only knows the movies. Therefore, Gandalf will sound like the actor who played him.


"As you wish." he siad with an amused note to his voice. Boy, whoever this guy is he sure is annoying.

Branar: In Tuma’s name, she sure messed that up! It is she who is annoying, not the male!

"Mithrandir." he called.

Mia (as person): We have a problem!
Vanille (as person): Do you kill her or should I do it?


"Put her down lad, put her down." came Gandalf's wizened voice.

Balthier (as Gandalf): Quickly now, before you catch a Sue disease.

"Now do you believe me?" he asked smugly.

Branar: I see no reason for him to be smug.
Sesshoumaru: Neither does this Sesshoumaru, but as the blue-haired human pointed out, this is a badfic.


"You're damn annoying!You know that?" she retorted her eyes still closed.

Vanille: Why is he annoying again? He has only been stating facts so far, as well as being unnecessarily civil and polite to her.

"Who are you anyway?"
"If you would open your eyes fair lady, you would see who I am." he said.

Mia: As if she would recognize a stranger by looks alone.
Balthier: And I say she will recognize him as soon as she looks at him, my dear.
Mia: You’re probably right. “OMG! Leggy!”


Sam gave an impatient huff and slowly opened her emerald green eyes.

Vanille: What is wrong with just plain green eyes like me? Why does the ‘emerald’ have to be there?
Branar: As a reference to “Pokémon: Emerald edition” maybe?
*Everybody looks at him oddly. Branar just glares and shrugs.*


She gasped as she saw who the person carrying her was. Amusement was evident in the azure orbs looking down on her.

Mia (as azure orbs): Haha, oh look, what a stupid, ugly Sue.

It was Legolas Greenleaf, and Samantha Richards was in Middle Earth...

Sesshoumaru: And Middle-earth was doomed.

okay, so how was it?

Branar: Bad.
Mia: Horrible.
Vanille: Unoriginal.
Balthier: Boring.
Sesshoumaru: Nauseating.


i know this is a pretty common theme, dropping into middle earth.

Balthier: Why, how ridiculous it would be to even think of doing something original then!

i liked the idea so i did it. waddya think?

Branar: Bad.
Mia: Horrible.
Vanille: Unoriginal.
Balthier: Boring.
Sesshoumaru: Nauseating.


oh and i know that i should be posting another chappie for "Different from the rest" w/c i will. soon...

Vanille: What is that?
Mia: Probably another badfic of the author we don’t want to know about.


shadOw08... c",)

Branar: I don’t understand gibberish. I’m out of here.
Balthier: So am I. It was a pleasure to meet you all, to be sure. Ladies, I hope we can meet again.
*All exit.*



Review the story here.
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
[/align]
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Refia
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Paying Tribute to the Past
“So this is my predecessor?” Vanille asked quietly as she looked at the still comatose Refia. Mia, who was, as always, seated at Refia’s side, nodded.
“Yes. Her name’s Refia and she was one of the best friends one could hope for,” the blue-haired healer answered with a sigh.
“You miss her, huh?” Vanille guessed. Not that it was hard to do so, the blow Mia received from Refia’s temporarily loss was evident in her eyes and in the expression on Mia’s angelic face.
“Yes,” the girl from Weyard admitted. “Don’t take this the wrong way, though, Vanille. I’m glad you’re here now to keep me company. If it had just been me and Sesshoumaru…”
The red-haired tribal girl giggled. “I can imagine it would be hard.” Vanille let out a sigh and sat down next to Mia. “What about Branar’s predecessor? How was he?”
“A lot more friendly than Branar, for one thing,” Mia replied. “Toa Ignika could almost be called cute and innocent. Branar is as much fun as hugging a cactus is. I miss Ignika, too. And I hope he comes back someday…”

Just then, the door was kicked open brutally and Branar’s powerful formed appeared in the doorway. Both girls backed away a bit from the rude and unfriendly Skrall warrior.
“Mastermind summons us all to the theatre,” the warrior said gruffly. “He expects you two there within a minute.” And after those words, Branar simply turned around and hurried out of the room as fast as he could. Vanille and Mia could hear him grumbling something like ‘despicable females’ and ‘Mastermind will pay for this’ in the distance.

“I really wonder what Branar’s problem with girls is,” Vanille said as she and Mia hurried to the theatre for the next chapter of their suefic. “He avoids us like we have a contagious disease.”
“Mastermind explained it to me yesterday,” Mia replied. “Apparently, where Branar comes from, there are no females. The male Skrall banished them all long ago because they feared the females. The males hate the females, and the feeling's mutual. We’re female too, so I guess that’s why he hates us like he hates the female Skrall.”
“That explains a lot, but still, it’s kinda dumb.” Vanille shook her head with a sigh and then the two of them entered the theatre. Sesshoumaru and Branar were already seated on the back row, well away from each other, of course.

Just when Mia and Vanille went to take their seats, there was a flash of light and the guest for this chapter was warped into the room. He… She… Or rather, it, surprised them all. They had expected another human, Bionicle, or perhaps someone from Middle-earth. Instead, in the seat between Mia and Vanille now sat, to the astonishment of them all, a purple Tyrannosaurus juvenile. It blinked and looked around in confusion.

“What’s going on? Where am I?” the purple dinosaur exclaimed, surprising the others yet again that he could even speak. There was another flash of light as Mastermind filled the young dinosaur’s mind with all knowledge he needed to understand all that was going on. “Oh,” the tyrannosaur said quietly. “Now I get it.” With a smile, he looked at the two girls at his side and at the stoic demon lord and Skrall warrior on the back row. “Hi! I’m Chomper, and I’m your guest for this chapter.”

“Mastermind is getting desperate,” Mia muttered. “Now he’s even making dinosaurs’ lives miserable.”

The lights went out, the screen lit up and the second chapter began.


Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR and no matter how much I cry, it will never be mine. So let’s just bow down to Tolkien’s supreme genius shall we?

Mia: Instead of bowing, you might just respect the world, characters and canon he created by following it, instead of creating Mary Sues to invade Middle-earth!

Chapter 2: Get to know the fellowship!

Vanille: Joy. I have a feeling everybody is immediately going to like them.
Chomper: Well, according to the knowledge that’s in my head now, that’s what always happens in Mary Sue stories. So that is no surprise.


Sam-

Branar: What’s the meaning of this? Sam what? Sam who? Sam why?

“Will you put me down please? I snapped at Legolas.

Sesshoumaru: When asking a favour, it is merely polite to NOT snap.
Branar: The Sue-brain cannot handle such advanced knowledge.


He smirked but put me down nonetheless.

Mia: Why did Legolas smirk?
Chomper: Beats me.


Damn Elf! I never would’ve thought he would be such a gigantic prat!

Vanille: It is nice to know that you can judge a person already when you just met him a minute ago and all he did so far was being friendly and unnecessarily smirk.
Mia: And I bet nobody’s going to comment on her rude behaviour.


Ok, back to reality.

Chomper: Oh, I get it now! Them falling in another world was just a sleep-story!
Vanille (confused): Sleep-story?
Mia: I think he means that it was just a dream.
Vanille: Who would have guessed that dinosaurs had their own slang?
Mia: Not me.


I realize that yes, we have become Mary Sues.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru demands that you do something about it then!

Dammit!

Branar: Well, female, pray that one of the males will be merciful and gut you.

I walk over to Tasha who was sitting on a rock beside Gandalf.

Mia: Seems like the tenses changed.
Vanille: Back and forth in time in just one sentence. Amazing.


Ah, crap.

Chomper: Now that’s not a very nice thing to think about.

Gandalf…
I forgot about him.

Mia: Because he isn’t hot enough!

Yes, I know what you’re thinking.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru tends to doubt that.

‘He just spoke awhile ago, how could you forget?’

Branar: That was not what I was thinking. Not even close, in fact.

Shut up.

Chomper: Is she saying this to us?
Mia: I guess. Wonderful, now this story broke the fourth wall.
Vanille: And in doing so, became even worse than it already was.


I sat down next to Tasha.
“You ok?” she asked me, as I sat down.
“We just fell from the bloody sky! What do you think?” I snap at her. Yes, I admit, I do snap at people a lot.

Chomper: That’s a bad habit. When I was but a hatchling, I used to try and bite everything I came across. That was a bad habit, but I worked on it. She’s older than me, so why hasn’t she done the same yet?
Mia: Well, Chomper, because she’s not as smart as you.
Chomper: Oh.


But, you try falling from the damn sky and landing in Middle Earth and let’s see your attitude.

Vanille: My attitude wouldn’t be anywhere near to snappy and snide. I’d be panicking and screaming my head of, most likely.
Mia: Which is the more logical thing to do, and the most likely, as well.


Fortunately, Tasha’s used to my moods and me. Ok, back to the point.

Branar (scoffing): There even was a point to this in the first place?

I was babbling again wasn’t I?

Chomper: You think?
Vanille (whispering to Mia): I adore this little one. He’s so cute! Let’s ask Mastermind if he can stay!


“So my dears, would you care to explain yourselves?” Gandalf asks us.

Branar: ‘My dears’?! What sane male would address a wretched female like that?
Sesshoumaru: A better question would be why Gandalf the Grey is addressing two strangers who could be spies in such a way.


No.

Mia: So rude.

But ok.

Vanille: Did she just contradict herself?

We fell from the damn bloody sky, landed gob smacked into the middle of a fellowship carrying a lethal ring which will decide the fate of all. And to add to that, we thought that all of this was fictional up until ten seconds ago.
Oops. I have just realized that I said that out loud.

*Everybody laughs.*
Branar: How can you be that stupid?


Shit…

Chomper: Ew…
Vanille: It’s just an expression, Chomper.
Chomper: Oh.


Tasha-

Mia: What’s that doing there?

Ok, I knew Sam was in need of therapy. I just knew it!

*Mia facepalms.*
Mia: How more unprofessional and n00bish can you get? A point of view change.
Vanille: I see, so that’s what the random names from before were meant to indicate.


“Sam!” I whisper reproachfully. She looks apologetically at me. Her cheeks were red with embarrassment. Gandalf’s looking at us too.

Chomper (as Gandalf): They’ve lost it, alright. Let’s eat them!
*Vanille and Mia stare at the purple Tyrannosaur for a moment, than back away a bit.*


Like we’ve each sprouted extra heads. Ok Sam, this is your stage. You’re the brains.

*Everybody roars with laughter.*

What do we do now?
Sam-

*All groan as the POV changes once more.*

Ugh… me and my big mouth! Honestly, I’m the quiet one but when I’m in the mood or when I’m not myself I can just shoot off at random intervals and you won’t know what hit you.

Sesshoumaru (while raising his claws): This Sesshoumaru might not know what’ll hit him, but he will make sure that you do know once this Sesshoumaru tears you to bits!
Branar: I like the sound of that.


Basically because, you won’t understand a damn thing!

Chomper: At least she admits she’s talking nonsense.
Vanille: True, but that’s no excuse.


“Uh yeah… It’s true.” Tasha puts in nervously.

*Everybody facepalms.*
Mia: Great save there, genius.
Vanille: If they didn’t think they were mad before, now they surely will.


Gandalf regains his composure as we wait. I wonder if I can tune him out now…
Nope, no such luck.

Chomper: Okay, honestly, what is she talking about?
Mia: I have no idea myself. Does she think Gandalf is a radio or something?
Chomper: What’s a radio?
Mia: Nevermind.


“I still do not understand.” Gandalf said.
Sigh.

Branar: They’re surprised he doesn’t understand them? Oh please…

“We come from a different world, which I’m sure you can tell for yourself, and in our world there are no such things as Elves or Dwarves or Wizards. They exist only in myths and folklore. And you and all of these are characters in a book written by a genius called Tolkien.”

*Everybody laughs again.*
Vanille (hiccupping): Do they really think he’s going to believe them?
Mia (as Gandalf, to the Fellowship): These things are mad! Kill them!
Chomper: And eat them!
Mia: Eh, I’ll pass…


(Freak Zombie brain voice) Yes! Bow down to the genius of which Tolkien is!

Sesshoumaru: Stop breaking the fourth wall! It is neither amusing or intelligent, merely unprofessional and retarded.
Branar: Amen.


Gandalf nods in understanding,

Branar: In your dreams, wench.

and mutters something about Lothlorien and us coming and heads off to a bunch of trees.

Chomper: He probably couldn’t deal with them anymore.
Mia: That’s not so surprising, really.


Oh well… I’m getting hungry. And it looks like we’re going to Lothlorien. Yay!

Vanille (getting irritated): By the Crystals! How irritating can one get? And how immature, for that matter? They’re stranded in a different world! They should be panicking, screaming, begging for help!
Mia: For that matter, they should be puzzled by the language the Fellowship uses. English isn’t Westron, nor is it Sindarin. They shouldn’t be able to understand each other.


Tasha-

Sesshoumaru: POV-changes, this Sesshoumaru despises you.

Well, I can say one thing about my best friend, she thinks fast.

Branar (snickering): Is she serious? Or just stupid?
Sesshoumaru: The second.


I’m not complaining though. I would’ve made a bigger mess of things if it were me. Ooh, Sam’s heading for food! I’m getting really hungry…

Vanille: Don’t feed them Sam!
Chomper: Or only give them disgusting food, like green food!
Mia: Better yet, Sam, poison the food!


Oh My Gosh! HOBBITS!

Branar: Immature brat.

Gandalf-

Mia: Please. The author can’t even understand Gandalf’s character, let alone write convincingly from his point of view.

Very strange these girls. Very strange.

Sesshoumaru (as Gandalf): They were clearly sent by the enemy, though, and thus we must kill them.

I really can’t quite imagine a world without Elves or Dwarves or even Wizards. And their speech is quite peculiar as well. Understandable

Mia: Newsflash, Gandalf, it isn’t understandable. At all.

but not quite. Perhaps Lady Galadriel might know their purpose.

Chomper: Or maybe they just don’t have one!
Vanille: Sounds far more plausible to me.


Hmm… Must think of that…

Branar: While you’re at it, wise one, think of a way to get rid of them, too.

Sam-

*Everybody groans.*
Chomper: This is really becoming annoying.
Mia: Hopefully it won’t be like this in the next chapter.
Mastermind: Do not count on it, Mia. As this story has gotten over three hundred reviews and all of them positive, there’s nobody who could tell the author that it is not alright to change the POV during the chapter.
Vanille: Three hundred reviews? All of them positive? Please tell me you’re kidding, Mastermind!
Mastermind: Unfortunately, I’m not.


Tasha’s gone absolutely loco. Yup, she is absolutely fucking nutty!

Sesshoumaru (dryly): And you are not?

Currently, she is hugging the life out of poor Pippin.

Chomper: Poor Pippin indeed.
Mia (sighing): Sue-cliché eight hundred twenty-four: the Hobbits are four year olds, or worse, dolls.


Yes, I do realize that he’s enormously cute. All hobbits are. Love, Love, Love. But I’m not a hugs person. Or maybe I am… but I’d rather get to know the person I’m gonna hug first.

Branar: Hugging? Despicable. Hugging is a waste of time, and quite useless, too. You can’t hug your enemies to death. I say, death to hugging.

Hmm… fire… warm…

Vanille: Hmm… randomness… bad writing…

Yes it’s cold, and I need food. Oh look, there’s Boromir.

Mia: Oh yeah, the brave warrior of Gondor just happens to be there, too.

“Hello, nice fire huh?” I say to him.

*More roars of laughter.*
Chomper: My, she’s so stupid!


Have I mentioned that I absolutely suck at making a conversation?

Vanille: We kind of figured that out ourselves.

No? Well, I do. Yeah, he just looks at me, amused.

Sesshoumaru: He should be.

Like I’m some kind of monkey or something.

Branar: You are, which is an insult to monkeys.

Are there even monkeys in Middle Earth by the way? Hmm.. must do research on that. Well, are we gonna eat now? My tummy’s gettin’ mad y’all. Ok, Gandalf’s back. Everyone’s here! Eek! The elven stud muffin is beside me! I still think he’s a totally arrogant jerk but I won’t deny that he’s hella hot. Studly ranger guy is beside Gandalf, then Sam the sweet hobbit, passing out food. Then Frodo, Pippin and Merry. My blonde best friend, the stud muffin, me, the Gondor man and the Dwarf. Now for food! Yay!

*Everybody headseats because of the bad, immature and horrid writing.*
Mia: The badness, it burnsss usss, preciousss!


Tasha-
FOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Vanille: IMMATUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE!
Chomper: STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPID!
Mia: RETAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRDED!


Yes, I have become a zombie.

Sesshoumaru: Let us kill it with fire.

Boy, I’m hungry. And yes, if you really must know, I am staring at Boromir.

Branar: Who ever said I wanted to know?

I wonder if I’ll ver get to meet his brother. Hmm… oh food! Woo hoo!

Chomper: These two creatures can’t have any thoughts in their head! Just air!
Vanille: Not even that. I’ve really never seen such stupid people before, with such random, pointless thoughts and immature wording.


Sam-
“Tell me my ladies, what are your names?” came the voice of Boromir.
Wha?
Oh, sorry. I tuned out for a minute there.
“Natasha.” Tasha says. “But Tasha for short.”
“It’s Samantha.” I tell them with a small smile that I learned from Tasha. “But just call me Sam.”
“Sam?” Frodo echoes.

Branar: My, Frodo lives.

I just nod. I am now busy with my heart attack on a plate. Sausages, bacon and lots and lots of grease. Wonderful. Please note sarcasm…

Mia (as author): And also, please notice my bad writing and stupidity.

“For a woman?” Boromir asks incredulous.

Sesshoumaru: At least Boromir is sane, for now.

Chomp, chew, swallow, glare.

Vanille: Every time I think this fic has shown me just how low it can sink, it sinks even lower the next sentence!

In that necessary order. I guess I must’ve looked mighty evil cause he backed off. But I don’t think that’s the last I’ve heard of it though.

Mia: It’d better be not the last you hear of it. Boromir was correctly expressing his surprise, while you are being obnoxious, stuck-up and rude. Why hasn’t he run you through yet?
Chomper: And eaten you?


“Can you fight?” Aragorn asks us seriously.

Branar: I doubt a man in medieval society would ask a woman that.
Sesshoumaru: Same for the Sesshoumaru. But logic does not exist in a Suefic, unfortunately.


Tasha and I look at each other and grin. We both nod. Yes, we took sword-fighting lessons.

Mia (faking surprise): My, what an unexpected turn of events!
Vanille (faking surprise, too): How convenient!


My dad, great guy that he is, hired me a private trainer and Tasha and I were taught how to fight.

Vanille: Do explain why exactly he hired a tutor to teach sword fighting to his girl in the twenty-first century.

By the way, have I mentioned that I love my Dad? No? well I do. Daddy, love, love, love.

Branar (dryly): Sue, kill, kill, kill.

Hang on…
OH.
MY.
GIDDY.
AUNT.
SALLY.

Chomper: Poor aunt Sally.

I have just realized something… being in Middle Earth means… Oh no!

Mia: Hmm, let’s see. No clean toilets, no fast food, no heating in every room of a house, no cars for quick transportation, no democracy, no equal rights for male and female… Anything of that?

No chocolate….

*Everybody facepalms. Vanille looks on the verge of exploding.*
Vanille: They were thrown into a medieval world lacking all modern conveniences and they are complaining about the lack of chocolate?!


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Branar: My thoughts exactly.


a/n: hey guys! Waddya think?

Chomper: It’s bad.
Vanille: It sucks.
Mia: It’s an insult to literature.
Branar: It kills the brains.
Sesshoumaru: It is immature and utterly retarded.


School’s starting up again so I don’t know when I’ll be posting again. But just to make it up to you guys I’m posting another chapter.

Mia: Sol, please save us…

Hope ya like it!

Chomper: Can’t say I did.

Oh yeah, special thanks to:
shadOw08 c”,)

The screen went black again and the lights were switched on. Sesshoumaru and Branar immediately headed out of the theatre without a word, while Mia and Vanille took their time to say goodbye to Chomper.
“Well, it was fun getting to know you guys and gaining so much knowledge,” the purple Tyrannosaur said. “But I’d like to go home now. Nothing beats open air for me. I do hope you’ll survive this badness.”
“Thanks Chomper,” Vanille replied with a smile. “So do we, in fact. And I know for one that I’ll miss you.”
“Well, maybe when this is over, you can come over and play with me and my friends. I’m sure they would be very happy to meet you!” Chomper exclaimed excitedly.
“Why not?” Mia chimed in. “It would be a lot more fun than reading badfics, I’m sure.”
Chomper smiled and then felt his body start to tingle. Mastermind was about to send him home. He raised his two-fingered hand and waved at the two girls.
“Bye you two, and good luck!”
There was a flash of light, and then Chomper was gone.



Review the story here.
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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Paying Tribute to the Past
*Everybody enters the theatre.*
Vanille (saddened): I miss Chomper.
Mia: Cheer up, Vanille! We need you at your best to make it through this.
Vanille: Okay then… I’ll do my best.
*Everybody takes a seat. Then there is a flash of light as a new guest appears.*
Boromir: Dear Eru, what’s going on? Where are Jules and the others? Where am I?
*Another flash as Mastermind fills the warrior’s mind with all knowledge he needs to be able to follow.*
Boromir: Oh. That’s what is happening.
Mia: Well, if you’re quite done, sir Boromir, let’s get on with this.


Chapter 3: Issues against women…

Branar: I have a lot of issues with females.

Ok… That’s done.

Vanille: What is…? Oh, yeah, the realisation that there’s no chocolate.
*Boromir gapes at Vanille.*
Boromir: That was no lie then? That was truly the first thing on this girl’s mind? Chocolate?
*Everybody nods, Boromir groans.*
Boromir (muttering to himself): Spawn of Morgoth…


I was having a moment there. Meanwhile, Aragorn’s asking who’ll take the first watch.

Mia: At least somebody hasn’t lost all his brain cells yet.

“I’ll do it.” I volunteer. Which now brings me to ask why is everyone staring at me like I’ve sprouted another head?

Boromir: Because it is not a task for a woman.
Sesshoumaru: Indeed, at least not in Middle-earth. Yet, again, the author of this piece of filth shows her utter lack of knowledge of a medieval society.
Boromir: Well, what else is new?


“But you’re a woman.” Boromir protests. Told you I haven’t heard the last of that. Seriously, men here have gotten an overdose of testosterone.

*Boromir’s eyes widen.*
Boromir: I beg your pardon?
Mia: Calm down, sir Boromir. It’s just a Sue being stupid, don’t let it get to you.
Boromir: I have experience with Sues. There’s one in particular that I don’t want to be reminded of.


“Ugh! Why must you constantly point that out?” I ask him irritably.

Branar: Because it’s the logical thing to do. Yes, you heard me, you piece of filth: logical!
Sesshoumaru: You just killed her brain.
Branar: And I’m feeling good about it.


“So what if I’m a woman?”
“A woman’s place is in the household. She should not meddle in the affair of men.” Boromir tells me. I roll my eyes.

Boromir: How rude! I was merely informing her of a fact.
Vanille: Well, we know that, but Sues don’t like to listen to you, seeing as they think you’re evil.
Boromir (grumbling): Ignorant, little…


“Dude, just cause we’re different in shape doesn’t mean we’re different in skills. I can fight and I will. I’m taking the first watch and that’s it. If you’ve got problems with that take it up with my sword.” Yep, that shut ‘em up.

Mia: But because of what you think. They are rendered speechless simply by your rudeness, not your *ahem* logic.

The stud muffin’s staring at me. I think I should be running towards the opposite direction now… Oh well. Whatever.

*Everybody laughs.*
Sesshoumaru: Is this twit going to say that too once an orc or other such filth shows up?
Boromir: I hope so.


Tasha-

Vanille: Ah, the POV-change! I was wondering where it was.
Mia: Almost began to miss it!
Both: Not.


Go Sammie! Oh yeah, girl power rules!

Branar (snorting): It really doesn’t. All you did was prove to me once again that females are useless.
Mia and Vanille: Hey!


I do pity Boromir a bit though. When Sam gets her mind set on something she gets really stubborn. She won’t let you win especially if her cause is for the greater good

*Everybody laughs again.*
Boromir: Excuse me, but what?


and if it’s something she believes in. But then again, maybe it’s just because he’s the studly Faramir’s big brother and I’m being biased.

Boromir: Faramir? Studly?!
Vanille: Didn’t Mastermind inform you of that? Sam lusts after your brother.


“Alright Sam, we will allow you to have the first watch. But you must let Legolas accompany you.”

Sesshoumaru: So he can slit her throat, I hope.
Branar: Don’t hold your breath.


Uh-Oh… Sam’s not gonna like that. I don’t think she and Legolas are on good terms.

Mia: And with good reason.

But then again, that’s only her point of view. And she can be known to overlook certain things. If you know what I mean.

Boromir: I do not and frankly I have no desire to.
Vanille: Same here.


Yup, she can be incredibly dense. Yeah, I think I’ll be running for the hills now…

Sesshoumaru: Yup? Yeah? Please, how pathetic can an author get?
Boromir: I can answer that one: a lot more pathetic than this.


Sam-

Mia: Through the eyes of another…

Did I mention that I hate elves?

*There’s a rumbling noise in the distance.*
Boromir: What is that?
Vanille: The fourth wall breaking. Again.
Mia: Mastermind’s not gonna be pleased. He spent hours repairing it after the last chapter.
Vanilla: Well, he shouldn’t complain. He’s the one who makes us read this in the first place.
Mia: True.


No? Well, I do. Hate, hate, hate!

Branar: Immature, immature, immature!

Bloody elf is purposely tormenting me!

*Everybody cheers.*
Boromir: Legolas, my friend, I’m rooting for you!


And so is that damn ranger! Why?

Mia: Does she really not have a clue?

I don’t know. Tasha? Where are you when I need you? Oh yeah, you’re too busy strangling Pippin or some other hobbit.

Boromir (shocked): She’s strangling the hobbits?! Why?!
Mia (deadpan): Because she thinks they are cute dolls to be hugged.


Dammit! Oh by the way, I just remembered. Where’s my bag?

Sesshoumaru: This waste of internet space’s thoughts truly jump all over the place.
Branar (snorting): You call that thoughts?


“Has anyone seen my bag?” I ask them. I’m getting cold and I need my jacket. That and I think I have a pack of cookies in there. I never leave home without junk food. And my crafting kit. Yep. I have got to find it!
WOOT! I found my bag!

Vanille: WOOT! We don’t care!

“Sam?” I look up. Oh crap. I hate my mother.

Boromir: Why? What did she do wrong?
Sesshoumaru: She put a Sue on the world, that is what.


Yeah, it wasn’t me they were calling. It was Samwise. Why do I hate my mother?

Mia: Don’t ask us. You’re the one hating.
Branar: By Tuma, she’s stupid.


Because she named me Samantha.

Vanille: Which is not a bad name on itself.

Which automatically makes my nickname Sam.

Sesshoumaru: Do tell why that is, exactly, or what is wrong with simply calling one by his or her full name.

Oh, that wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that there’s another person called Sam here.

Boromir: Who is far more important than you shall ever be.
Mia: Amen to that.


And now we’re gonna have issues about the name and who the fuck they’re referring to. Bloody Hell.
I blame you mother.

Branar: That’s easy, isn’t it? When wrong, blame someone else. I expected no less of a female.
*Mia and Vanille glare at him.*


I throw Tasha my extra jacket. Yeah, I figured she’ll be needing it soon enough. It’s cold. We’re heading for Caradhras tomorrow.
“Lady Samantha.”

*Everybody is shocked.*
Branar: Alright, who is calling that thing a lady?


Now that I know is directed to me.

Mia: Really? I never would have guessed.
Vanille: Yeah, I thought somebody was addressing that ant who crawled over your boot.


I look up. And guess what? It’s Boromir.

Boromir (shocked): Me?!

“Yeah?” I ask a bit warily. He sits down next to me.

Boromir: No I didn’t! I wouldn’t even go near that thing!
Branar: What, not even to gut her with a sword?
Boromir (thoughtful): Well, when you put it that way… But it’s not a honourable thing for a man of Gondor to do…


Okayy..
Boromir-

Sesshoumaru: As if the author has the brainpower necessary to write convincingly from Boromir’s point of view.

It is not that I doubt their skills in battle,

Boromir: Even though I really do.

although they have yet to prove us wrong. But it cannot be helped. It is not a woman’s place to be in battle.

Boromir: Very much so. Why would a woman even want to witness the blood, the cries of agony and the horrors of a battle?
Mia: Most women would not, let me assure you. Sues, however, are so unbelievably stupid that they think a battle is all about glory, honour and heroism, and about as easy as a stroll in the park.


They should be in the house taking care of children and such.

Boromir: Even though I would never entrust a child to the care of these two things.

There’s a lot we have yet to learn about these strangers.

Boromir: Not that I’m interested.

But now, I think it best, as a man of Gondor to apologize for my rude behavior towards Lady Samantha.

*Stunned silence. Then…*
Boromir: WHAT?!


“I apologize for my rudeness earlier on.” I say sitting down next to her.

Boromir (growling): Let me assure you that I don’t mean it, though.

“Don’t worry about it honey face.” She says.

*Another stunned silence.*
Boromir: H… honey face? How, how dare she?
Sesshoumaru: How inappropriate to speak to a man, twice her age and a hundred times as experienced that she has just met, like that. Let us kill her.
Branar (smirking): Gladly.


Honey face? “I know it’s hard for you. Women here are expected to do different things. They’re not expected to fight and die in battles like men.” Her eyes have glazed over and she has a smile on her face. “Besides, it’s kinda hard to trust us when you haven’t even seen us fight right?”

Boromir: My eyes are deceiving me. The Sue appears to be making sense somewhat.
Mia: A mere trick of the mind, or something.


I laugh at this. ‘Tis true.
“Apology accepted Boromir.” She says. “Only,” she adds seriously. “Don’t call me Lady.”

Vanille: Well, at least she has enough brain cells to realize that she’s not worthy of the honorific.

I laugh out loud

Boromir: … at her stupidity.

again and bid her goodnight.
Perhaps I was wrong about her…

Boromir: But then again, maybe not.

Sam-

Vanille (singing): And the point of view is changing, hali, halo. And the point of view is changing hali, halo…

Aww… I like Boromir. He’s honest. And it takes a lot of guts to admit what he did to a woman.

Branar: And what exactly, did he do aside from teaching you your place?

Ok… Elves are weird.

Mia: They’re not the only ones present there who are weird.

Legolas and I are the only ones left awake. Everyone’s gone to sleep.

Sesshoumaru: That speaks for itself. If you both are the only ones left awake, it is only logical to assume the others are sleeping. Thus, you needlessly repeated yourself.
Boromir (to Mia and Vanille): Is he always like this?
Mia and Vanille: Yes.


I am currently keeping as much distance between him and myself. Why? He was staring at me!

Branar (as Legolas): Oh look, what a stupid odd creature. How many arrows would it take to kill it? If I shot it in the head, would her head pop like a balloon?

I do NOT like being stared at. Have I got something on my face dammit?

Boromir: I would hope so. A face without anything on it, such as eyes and a nose, would be very odd indeed!

And what is with the ears turning pink? Weird. I’ll say it again.

Sesshoumaru (threateningly): Don’t…

ELVES ARE WEIRD.

Sesshoumaru: That is it. She said it, and now she is going to die!

And I shall stand by that judgement.

Vanille (bored): Well, aren’t you brave?

We are gonna be relieved by Aragorn and Gimli soon. We’re gonna head for Caradhras it seems.

Branar: She already said that before.
Sesshoumaru: True, but this creature is so stupid that it has already forgotten it.


Does that mean Tasha and I have missed the crebain episode? Woo hoo, let’s party.

Boromir: I have a better idea. Let us not party and get rid of these two!
Mia: I fully support that notion.
Vanille: So do I!


I detest those birds. They’re so bloody noisy.

Boromir: Is this author serious? All she hates crebain for are the noise? Not the fact that they are spies for Saruman?!
Vanille: I think Sues can’t grasp the concept of spying…


I have got misgivings about Caradhras of course. I mean it’s a wretched mountain.

Branar: Hopefully you’ll fall off it.
Sesshoumaru: Or get buried in an avalanche.


But I love the snow. But for the life of me, I hate heights. I’m getting sleepy.

Mia: I’m getting tired of your thoughts changing subject all the time, myself.

I’ll worry about the mountain tomorrow. Right now, why is the ground moving?

Vanille: Do you really want to know?

Oh, there’s studly ranger guy and dwarfy.

*Everybody is shocked.*
Boromir: D… Dwarfy?!
Mia: I’m… not really surprised. After all, Gimli isn’t hot or sexy, so can only be addressed with belittling nicknames.


I think I’m gonna go sleep now. Good night.

Branar (grumbling): Hope you choke on your pillow.


a/n: well that’s it. I hope you liked it!

All: NO!

I’ll try to post more by the end of the week.

Boromir: Why the rush?

But I’m not promising anything. I have to update three other stories too…

Vanille: Poor fandoms those stories are posted in…

so I really don’t know. Anyways, kindly read and review!

Sesshoumaru: Hmm… How about no?

shadOw08 c”,)

Boromir: I’m out of here. Mastermind, I demand you erase my memory! I don’t want to remember this fic. I have too much to cope with already as it is!
Mastermind: It shall be arranged, if possible.
*All others exit as Boromir disappears in a flash of light.*



Review the story here.
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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Refia
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Paying Tribute to the Past
Mastermind’s four guest walked to the theatre with a sombre mood. They had recently read a chapter of the infamous “An Elf’s Love”, as a side-project because of a deal Mastermind made with other deities. When their job was done, they discovered to their horror how out of character they were becoming, and it worried them all.

“I really don’t want to do this anymore,” Mia complained. “You were right Vanille, I’m not myself anymore these days. When will Mastermind have some mercy?”

“Probably never. What deities ever have pity for us mortals?” Vanille replied with a sigh. She had not been reading badfics as long as Mia had, but she understood the dilemma of her friend all too well. She was getting less cheerful herself as the chapters rolled by.

Even the stoic, emotionless Sesshoumaru and rude, snide, sarcastic Branar were behaving differently, going as far as talking to each other and have a drink together. Definitely not normal.

“Will you all calm down, and stop speaking bad of me?” Mastermind demanded, seemingly hurt. “I understand the problem, my dear guests. And I’m trying to figure out a solution. I’d be willing to bring more guests here, but then I fear this place will get crowded and the one writing your adventures down won’t have time for character development anymore…”

“If this goes on, we’ll be doing the character development ourselves,” Mia snapped. “In a negative way.”

“Well, perhaps one more guests can do, so the one in need of it most can switch places for a chapter…” Mastermind said, giving in. “Now take your seats, your current guest for chapter 4 of Stuck in Middle Earth is waiting for you. If you like her, I’ll let her stay.”

“Poor her,” Vanille muttered.

“Not another female!” Branar grumbled angrily.

“Give the ladies a break, Branar,” Mastermind chided, sounding amused. “Seeing as you and Sesshoumaru aren’t exactly warm and snugly, and count for two each, the ladies need all the help they can get to survive your pleasurable company.”

Mia raised an eyebrow. Branar, good company? As if. Not for the first time, Mia wished Toa Ignika was still here. He was strange, but cute and friendly. Branar wasn’t. At all.

The four entered the theatre to meet their guest for this chapter. As soon as the girl noticed them, she stood up and made a polite bow. She was dressed in a blue Japanese school uniform, and had short blue hair.

“Good day, I am Ami Mizuno, and I will help you with this… assignment,” the girl said in flawless and smooth English.

Vanille and Mia exchanged glances and smiled, then introduced themselves, and Sesshoumaru and Branar, who were too cold to do so themselves. The two girls liked the newcomer already. She appeared to be the smart, intelligent but shy kind of person. A personality they didn’t have in their group yet. Vanille being cheerful, Mia kind and caring, Sesshoumaru cold and stoic, Branar rude and sarcastic. An observant but quiet girl would fit right in.

“Well, can we now finally get started?” Mastermind asked, sounding impatient. Sighing in the defeat, everybody took their seats, Ami taking place between Mia and Vanille, nervous but determined to make it through this.


Mia: Stuck in Middle-earth, chapter 4.
Vanille: This is going to hurt.


A/n: hey y’all! Since it was just my birthday, here’s the next chappie of Stuck in Middle Earth! As a treat…

Mia: A treat? Guys, she forgot the H!
Ami: Ehm, she didn’t actually, the context seems to suggest she meant ‘treat’ and not ‘threat’.
Vanille: That was a riff, Ami.
Ami: Oh, gomen, gomen…


Chapter 4: To Caradhras, away!
-Sam-

Ami: Why are there – before and after ‘Sam’?
Vanille: To tell us whose point of view we’ll be reading.
Ami: That’s unprofessional…
Mia: You know that. We know that. The author doesn’t.


Well, it’s official, we’re going to Caradhras!

Branar: After that chapter title, I never would have guessed.

Joy, bloody fecking Joy!

Ami: ‘fecking’? English might not be my native language, but I am certain that word doesn’t exist.
Mia: It doesn’t. The author made a mistake, again.
Vanille: Get used to them, Ami, we’ll be seeing a lot of them still.
Ami (to herself): This is going to be harder than I thought.


Hey, just because I knew it was gonna happen, didn’t mean I had to like it!
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I didn’t get much sleep last night.

Mia: I wasn’t wondering, actually. So no thanks for wasting my time.

I spent most of the time thinking.

Sesshoumaru (unimpressed): It can think now?

About what?

Branar: That’s what I would like to know. Can’t be much more than ‘OMG no chocolate!’.

Well… lots of stuff. Like, if Tasha and me will ever get home… stuff like that.

Ami (shyly): I was under the impression that after saying ‘lots of stuff’ – which isn’t the sort of language I would use when writing a story – that she would give us more than one thing she was thinking about, instead of repeating herself.
Mia: If we were dealing with a good story, that would indeed be the case. But this is a badfic, and logic does not exist here. I learned that the hard way. *sigh*


I am not having the peachiest day.

Vanille: I’m not having the lemoniest day.
Mia: I’m not having the strawberriest day.
Ami (catching on): I… I’m not having the grapiest day?
Vanille: Wow, you do catch on quickly. It took me far longer.


First off, I was woken by my oh-so-wonderful best friend too early for my liking.

Ami: Why is ‘oh-so-wonderful’ in italics?
Mia: Probably to indicate sarcasm.


And then, due to my advanced state of sleepiness, I managed to entangle myself in my blanket and land in a well… not-so-graceful heap on the ground.

Ami: What about ‘not-so-graceful’?
Mia: No idea, to be honest. Can’t be sarcasm…
Branar: Females, I’m beginning to wonder if you don’t have the brain of a Sue yourself. It’s obvious that this is a case of random italics.
Vanille: I hate to say it, but I have to agree with him, partly.


All in all, I’d say that was a lovely morning!
Yeah right! Can’t you just hear the dripping sarcasm?

Sesshoumaru: You don’t say?

Oh I’m hungry!

*Ami blinks.*
Ami: Does this character always switch thoughts so randomly?
All others: Yes.


Damn! Sausages again? I think I’ll pass.

Vanille (tired): You’re out in the wild, on a life-threatening quest, and you expect first class food?
Mia (as Hobbits): Listen, ‘lady’, it’s this or nothing, so what’s it going to be?
Branar (as Hobbits): Never mind that, we don’t even want to share with you.


What is it with hobbits and sausages? Oh never mind, I’ll just get a muffin from my bag. Like I said before, I never leave home without junk food. Wonder if Tasha wants one…
-Tasha-

Ami: These point of view changes are distracting, which isn’t a good thing if you’re trying to draw in your readers…

Sam looks like a bloody headless chook!

Sesshoumaru: Excellent. Somebody beheaded her while she was sleeping.

Of course, I would never say it aloud but she does. Or rather, she did. She looks tired today… I wonder why…

Branar: That is such a stupid question I won’t even comment on it.

“Tasha!” she called.
“What?” I call back from my seat with the others, in front of the fire.

Ami: Wait, did the times change just now? Called is past tense, call is present…
Mia: They did, and yes, it is unprofessional.


“You want a muffin?” she asks me. I think her brain got damaged when she tripped…

Vanille: What doesn’t exist can not be damaged.

but leave it to Sam to think of junk food the minute she wakes up. But regardless of that fact, Sam has killer-cooking skills.

Branar (deadpan): She always puts poison in her food.
Sesshoumaru: If this Sesshoumaru was her friend, he would eat the poisoned food.


“That depends,” I answer from my sausages. “Did you make them?”
She finally sidled in beside me and sat down.
“I made blueberry muffins the other day, and they wound up in my bag.” She said with a Cheshire cat grin. “Lucky Huh?”

Mia (sarcastic): How convenient.

“I’ll say.” I said grinning as well. Muffins! Yay!

Ami (trying not to laugh): Gomen, gomen, but ‘yay’? This is ridiculous, not to mention childish.
Mia: Sometimes, we wonder if that’s not the point of this fic.


-Sam-
I handed Tasha a muffin and turned to the others. “Would you like some?”
They all looked at me blankly.

Vanille (as the others): Sausages are better. Besides, those things of yours are poisoned.

“Beg Pardon Miss,” Samwise said, breaking the silence. “What is a muffin?”
Sigh. I handed them each a muffin. Damn them, all they did was sniff it.

Branar: And with good reason. It’s Sue-made, for crying out loud.

“I don’t go around putting poison into the food I eat you know.”

Mia (as Sam): Damn, they caught on that I put a free-will-robbing drug in the muffins… Now they’ll never drool over me.
Ami (frowning): That’s gross.


I tell them offended. And I am.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru applauds the Fellowship. If they keep offending her, she’ll leave by herself and they won’t have to contaminate their weapons by using them on her.

My cooking skills are the one thing in the universe that isn’t affected by my utter klutziness. So when I know that the food I made is good, I take bad things against it to heart. I guess they saw that I was offended and took cautious bites.

Mia (as Aragorn): Well, gentleman, seeing as we, unlike some certain others, were raised with manners, let us be polite and eat.
Vanille (as Aragorn): Gentleman, we might as well eat and escape via death.


After that they disappeared faster than blinking. But hey! They liked it, yay!

*Ami giggles at the childishness of ‘yay’ again.*

Never underestimate the power of the muffin! As Cosmo of FairlyOddParents once said “The muffin is powerful! Bow down to it!” or something like that…

Ami (disbelieving): She is making references to cartoons for children in a story for an adult fandom now?

it’s Tasha’s opinion actually, that when given any kind of baked good, you should just eat it and be happy.
Yeah… going to move on now… I do realize that Caradhras is going to be extremely cold. I’m not that dense.

*All try their very best not to laugh.*
Branar: Orly?


Actually, I don’t think I’m dense.

Ami: Oh my… what an ego!
Mia: Why am I not surprised?


Tasha seems to think so though… Yup, Caradhras will be cold.

Vanille: Wait, did Tasha think Caradhras would be cold, or that Sam was dense?
Branar (annoyed): Stop caring female, and let’s move on!
*Vanille cowers in her seat.*


Oh, that was the understatement of the century!
Caradhras is full-blown-out-of-this-world-freezes-your-hair-and-makes-you-feel-like-your-fingers-are-about-to-fall-off-with-frost-bite kinda cold.

*All stare at the ridiculous sentence.*
Ami: That cannot possibly be grammatically correct.


We have started our trek over Caradhras.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru is aware of that. If you can say how cold it is on that mountain, it is merely logical that you are on the mountain. Thus, you needlessly repeated yourself and wasted this Sesshoumaru’s time. You will die.

Bloody Wonderful.
I have but one word on my mind. Can you guess what?
Here it is: Brr…

Ami: Why does she keep mentioning that it is cold? We already know that.
Vanille (sadly shaking her head): One word: badfic.


Ugh! This is a horrible day. Not only do I have to suffer the barf-inducing heights of Caradhras, I also have to be frozen stiff to my bones and I have to lug my bag around. And it weighs a freaking ton!

Branar: It would help if you didn’t pack your entire freaking wardrobe in it, Sue.

Feck, this is so depressing. Wait, I think someone’s talking to me….

Mia (as somebody): Would you like to be shot in the gut or between the eyes?

I look up to see Legolas looking expectantly at me.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Were you saying something?”

Vanille (as Legolas): No, I was merely wondering why you two are following us.

“Yes. I was wondering if you should like some assistance.”
I stared at him confused. He pointed at my bag, amusement etched on his face.

Mia (as Legolas, thinking): Haha, the second born have truly become weak!

“Oh,” I said in comprehension. “No thank you. I can manage.” I tell him and heave off toward Gimli.

Branar: Stay away from that fine male, you pile of rock steed droppings!

I like the dwarf. He’s funny

Sesshoumaru: Of course he is.

and honest, just like Boromir.
“Hullo!” I greeted. He gave me a smile and we continued walking.

Mia (as Gimli, thinking): Just keep smiling, walking and ignoring her, son of Gloin, she’l go away by herself then.

“That was a fine piece of bread you gave us back there lass.” He praised. I grinned through the cold. Like I said, the power of the muffin can’t be ignored.

*Ami places a hand on her forehead as if she has a headache.*
Ami: Really, what kind of story is this? Yay? Power of muffin? Usagi-chan’s mangas are top literature compared to this.
Vanille: One word…
Ami: Badfic?
Vanille (smiling): You’re catching on.


“Did you make it yourself?” he asked. I nodded. It’s too cold to talk. And I haven’t got much to say. So I’ll just shut up for the meantime and focus on trying to stay warm and keeping from shivering.

Branar: I think I’m hallucinating, the Sue did something logical.

Actually you know, for the most part, the trek up Caradhras wasn’t all that bad. Unless of course, if you count the biting wind and the freezing snow. But aside from being frozen, the only bad incident was when Frodo slipped. Yes, we are all familiar with this scene. Shall I elaborate?

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru can do without more boring copying of the film script.

I didn’t think so. I really feel bad about Boromir though. I like him. Not the romantic like, mind you, more of a brotherly like.

Ami: Poor Boromir.
Mia: At least he’s not a rapist this time…


I’ve been giving it some thought and I think I should save him. But there’s this thing my brain keeps telling me. ‘Don’t interfere’ yup, I still don’t know what to do just yet. Must add that issue to my list of things to ponder.

Vanille: It’s quite simple, really. Do not interfere. By saving Boromir, you might do one good deed that results in a disaster later on. Only when you’re a good writer should you attempt to change canon in such a way.

-Tasha-
Dammit! I’m freezing!

All (annoyed): WE KNOW!

Honestly, I don’t know how Sam could love snow. Especially in this situation.
“Your friend is quite stubborn.”
AAHHH! Holy shit who was that?

Branar: It was a Skrall patrol, coming to take your head off.

I turned.
Legolas, it figures!

All: Of course it’s him!

“Why would she be stubborn?” I ask him.
“Look at her.” He said gazing at Sam. “She is very clearly struggling with the weight of that pack, yet when I offered to assist her, she feigned strength, and said that she did not need it.”

Sesshoumaru (as Legolas): Have the second born truly become such fools?

Ah, I sense something hidden underneath all that. Pft! He is so obvious!

Mia: I agree, it’s hard for him to hide his desire to shoot you both.

Too bad Sam’s too dense to see it. (Sigh) it never get this cold at home.

Ami: That ‘sigh’ shouldn’t be between brackets. If you want to tell us that she sighed, simply write ‘I sighed’.
Vanille: You lost the author the moment you began to make sense, Ami.


I miss home. I know how so many people would kill to be where we are, but I would give anything to see my family again. Jack and Marie… Mom and Dad… I wonder if I’ll ever get to see them again…

Branar: Trust me, they are better off without you.

Crap! I hate snow! I bloody hate it!

All: WE KNOW, GET ON WITH IT!

The snow is now chest deep with an upcoming avalanche, Legolas is nancing over the snow, and Gandalf is currently having a shouting match with Saruman.

Ami (confused): Nancing?
Vanille: Gandalf having a shouting match?! He was trying to save them, and this is how the author describes it?! By the Crystals, what an offense!


Hasn’t it ever occurred to them that shouting would only make the avalanche worse?

Branar: Is she actually implying she knows better than Gandalf the Grey?
Sesshoumaru: Yes.
Branar: The nerve. All the more reason to kill her.


Guess not. Man, I am tired… can we please go now?
-Sam-
Aargh! C-C-Cold!

All: ARE YOU DEAF, SHADOW08?! WE GODDAMN KNOW!

Bag-strap choking me! Snow suffocating!

All: Hooray for the snow!

Can someone please help me?

Mia (as Legolas): Too bad, my offer was one-time only.

I’m buried in snow here!

Branar: I’ll never look down on snow again.

Still here! Bollocks!
(Deep Breath) Daylight! I never thought I’d be glad to see it! Thank God!
“Who-saved-me?” I wheezed out.

Sesshoumaru (enraged): Yes, what idiot was so stupid as to dig the Sue out? This Sesshoumaru will tear him to shreds!

“He did.” Tasha said momentarily pausing from rubbing my back and pointing at Legolas.

All: Of course he did.

“Thank You.” I said smiling gratefully.

Ami: The you doesn’t need a capital y.

His ears went pink (what is up with that?) and he smiled back.

Vanille: Crystals, I think I’m going to be sick.

Gandalf is now asking Frodo to make the decision. Oh god, poor Frodo. Here it comes…
“We will go through the mines.” He said in a resolute voice.

Mia (as Frodo): Then we can push the Sues down a mineshaft.

Wonderful. I use up all my energy to hike up a damn bloody mountain only to hike back down again. Bollocks! And we go from getting killed by a mountain, to getting killed by either a octopus-like Watcher, orcs or a stinking Balrog. What a wonderfully safe life I lead. And oh yeah, this is great! We go from snowy freezing mountains to dark underground, orc infested caves. Wonderful right? Just a right old paradise. Pft! Yeah right. I don’t really hate snow, in fact I love it! I just don’t like being exposed to it in nothing but pants, a shirt and a jacket for extended periods of time. I don’t really have any issues about being in the dark either. Usually I prefer it to being in the light but in Moria’s case, I don’t like being in a place where orcs are the majority and a balrog is lurking about.

*All cover their ears to block out the whinefest.*
Ami: MAKE IT STOP!


Feck, now I’m depressed again…

Vanille (exhausted): She’s not the only one.

I need a cookie.

*All but Sesshoumaru and Ami bang their heads against the seats in front of them.*
Ami: If scientists were to do a brainscan of her, they would think they have found the missing link.


….
A/n: hey people! Hope you liked that chapter!

Ami: Ah, gomen nasai, but I really didn’t.

I’ll try to post more soon.

Branar: No need to rush.

But in the meantime, since it was my birthday… give me a review as a gift!

Mia: No can do. But I do have this execution to spare… Interested?

That’s all I ask. See ya next chappie!
shadOw08 c”,)

*The doors of the theatre open.*
Ami: Apparently, I am to stay a bit longer than just one chapter?
Mastermind: Yes, miss Mizuno, but I do promise you will be allowed to leave someday. For now, though, we require your assistance a bit more, to take over when one of my permanent guests needs a longer break.
Ami: Even if I say no, you will be keeping me here, correct?
Mastermind: Correct.
*Ami sighs in defeat. Vanille pats her on the shoulder encouragingly.*
Vanille: Cheer up, aside from the badfics, life here could be worse.
Mia: That being said, let’s get out of here, I feel sick.
*All flee from the theatre.*



Review the story here.
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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Refia
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Paying Tribute to the Past
Four of the five guests of Mastermind entered the theatre. Mia was not with them this time. The arrival of Ami meant that one of the guests could switch with her, and skip a character. Mia, being a guest of Mastermind since the first badfic, needed this the most, and thus Ami gladly went in for her. Since the last chapter, the three girls – Mia, Vanille and Ami – had gotten to know each other better, and found out that they got along well. Ami had also visited the still comatose Refia, and learned about the absent Toa Ignika.

“You have had quite some adventures before my arrival, did you not?” the blue-haired schoolgirl smiled at Vanille.

“Mia did, yes,” Vanille agreed. She then sighed. “She really needed a break.”

When the four took their seats, the guest for this chapter was already waiting for them. He was a twenty year old young man, with a slightly freckled face. He wore an orange head which had goggles on them, and beads around his neck. His torso was bare, allowing the other guests to see the big tattoo he had on his back. It was a skull with a white moustache, and behind it two purple bones in a cross. On his upper left arm he also had ASCE tattooed, with the S crossed out. The man had black shorts and boots. He sat rather lazily in one of the seats, his hat fallen before his eyes. When he heard the others entered, he pushed it up with one finger and looked at them.

“Yo, is this heaven?” he asked casually. This question gained him surprised stares from the two girls, a raised eyebrow from Sesshoumaru and nothing from Branar.

“This is hell, actually,” Vanille then replied slowly.

The youngster shrugged. “So you’re all dead then, too?”

“No we’re not,” Ami answered. “What Vanille meant when she said that this was hell, is that this is far from a pleasant place.”

“All the same, why am I here? I just got killed, and you’re all alive you say. So what’s going on?”

“What’s going on is that I brought you from the afterlife to here, Portgas D. Ace,” the voice of Mastermind answered from the speakers. “Seeing as you are indeed deceased, you have nothing better to do, so here you are to help your fellow guests spork badfics.”

There was a flash of light, and the next moment Ace’s mind was filled with all he needed to know to do this.

“I think I preferred the afterlife,” the young pirate sighed.

The others by now had fully settled down in their seats, and the screen lit up as the chapter began.


---

Vanille: Stuck in Middle earth, chapter 5.

A/n: I come from the Land of Oz!

Ami: I come from modern Japan.
Vanille: I come from the world of Pulse.
Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru comes from the Japanese feudal era.
Branar: I come from Bara Magna.
Ace: Alright, thanks for telling me this, though I don’t really care.
*others glare at him, except for Ami*
Vanille: Don’t be difficult, Portgas D. Ace.
Ace: Fine, fine… I come from the world of One Piece which the author still hasn’t named. *shrugs*


(readers stare at her)

Branar: Hey, she knew how we were going to react. Is this pathetic female finally gaining some intelligence?
Sesshoumaru: Doubtful.


(chirping crickets)

Ace: Random much?

right, I apologize for the delay.

Vanille: I’ll forgive you, if you delay further chapters even longer!

It has been about…

Ami: Not long enough as far as I am concerned.

1month I think, since I updated. I was supposed to post this about a week ago but I got a copy of HBP on Thursday, which I only just finished Saturday night. Anyways, sorry for the long wait and here’s the next chapter. And just so we’re clear, it’s been three weeks since Cardhras so yeah… I’ll shut up now…

Sesshoumaru: Much appreciated.

Chapter 4: Attack of the Calamares Watcher!

Ace: I wouldn’t exactly call that big sea-king like Watcher squid a calamares. It might get offended.
Vanille: I hope it is, and eats the Sues in its fury.
Ace: Wow, sadistic, aren’t we?
Ami: I agree with sir Ace. The poor Watcher might get an indigestion, Vanille.
Ace: That’s not really what I meant…


Sam

Ace: What the…? What’s that doing here?
Vanille: It tells us who his point of view we’ll be reading.
Ace: I’m not a big reader, and even I know that that is pathetic bad writing.


(flight attendant voice) Please hold on whilst I gather the pieces of my ruptured lungs. Thank you.

Branar: I won’t wait. Sucks to be you.

We have now reached the walls of Moria. And everything would be just peachy if the sodding door weren’t missing.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru wonders why you simply do not tell the Fellowship where the doors are, seeing as you know where they are because you have seen the movies.

I will now sit myself down and try to tape up my lungs back together. Oh! And maybe do a little note passing with Tasha.

Ami: But of course! Note passing is such an useful way to pass time when one is on a dangerous quest to save the world.
Ace: I had a brother who would do silly things like that. But he was still the best little brother one could ask for, and a great person, unlike these girls.
Vanille: Don’t call them girls! That’s an insult to us cuties!
Ace: Apologies. I’ll call them Sues from now on.


Let’s do the hokey-pokey!
-Sam


*everybody facepalms*
Ace: Forget what I said before. Even Luffy wouldn’t write and do something this stupid.


Did you just eat Candy?
-Tasha
(Shifty Eyes) why?
-Sam
Did you then?
-Tasha
I dunno…(evil grin) maybe…
-s


Vanille: fear the evil of holding back candy!

come on Sam, be serious..
-t
no, I didn’t. my brain is suffering from oxygen deprivation.
-s


*everybody laughs*
Branar: it has a brain now?


ok, what?
-t


Ace: My thoughts exactly.

Never mind. Onto serious matters…like…
-s
Like what?
-t


Vanille (as Sam): Dammit, Sue T, have a bit of patience and let me finish writing my sentence, yes?!

Like how the hell we got here, why in hell, and most importantly, how the hell are we getting back?
-s


Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru is surprised that these things even want to go back. Do they truly intend to separate from their objects of lust? How un-Sue-ish.

you certainly do like the word hell don’t you? Anyway, have you got any hunches, ideas etc?
-t
nope. Nada. Zilch. Kaput.
-s


Ace: I think she has no idea about how they got there.
Ami: Truly? I wonder how you were able to tell.
Vanille: Maybe because of the long list of ridiculous ways to say “no”.


that’s encouraging.
-t
I know.
-s
I miss my family Sammie.
-t
I know you do Tasha, I miss my dad too.
-s
do you think we’ll ever get back?
-t


Branar: for the sake of Middle-earth, I hope so.

I don’t know Tasha…
-s

I looked up at Tasha sadness in my eyes. Unlike me, Tasha has a great family. A big brother and a little sister, her family’s very close.

Ami: No father or mother? How unusual.
Ace: Not really. I had only an adoptive grandfather, adoptive father and adopted brother, and nothing else.


I kinda feel jealous of her. My family sucks. I’m an only child and my Mom’s a skeeze.

Vanille: a what?
Ace: Have no clue. Let’s move on.


Dad’s a great man, and I miss him so much. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. But sometimes… a girl does hope for something for more.

Sesshoumaru: Such as a hot elf or captain of Gondor to lust after?

Now I have to brace myself for the calamares attack, as Merry has already kicked the stone in and Gandalf’s just opened the door.

Ami: Such amazing tension she has created by extensive description.
Vanille: I agree, utterly amazing.
Ace: That was sarcasm, I hope.


Tasha’s talking to the elven stud-muffin and I’m here sitting like a deadpanned dolt.
I need air! Ok moving on…

Ace: Even my brother’s thoughts don’t jump all over the place like that. Just how stupid is she *Vanille hits him on the arm* Sorry, I meant, just how stupid is it?

“Sam Let’s go.” Tasha whispered pulling me up, the fear was evident in her voice. I could tell she was afraid of the watcher, or as I like to refer to him, Slimy Calamares. I like that, it rhymes.

Branar: It doesn’t, dimwit.

Ok I’m being random again… I must stalk off to where Boromir is standing.

Sesshoumaru: at least it admits that it is stalking.
Ace: Small blessings, I have grown to love them.


“I have a strange feeling about this mine.” He told me frowning worriedly. I clapped him on the back but said nothing as I followed the others.

Ami: Why would a great man like lord Boromir even talk to her…?
Vanille: I think that whoever can answer that question, knows the meaning of life as well.


Skulls, bodies and some more entities that were still in the process of being returned to dust were littered across the threshold. Yuck. Note to self: Gory movies can never fully prepare you for real life. I looked at Tasha who has the most revolted expression on her face, and cracked a small hidden smile. I heard Gimli’s wails and looked up from a particularly nasty decaying mass near my feet.
“This is no mine. ‘Tis a tomb…” Boromir said from behind me.

Ace: copied movie script, eh? Very original.

I whirled around to look at the others. The hobbits were all together, Gandalf was off to the side, Gimli was weeping over his kinsmen, and Aragorn was beside Tasha. I turned just in time to see Legolas pickup an arrow.
“Goblins,” he spat, chucking it away. NO! knees I command you to stay solid!

*everybody laughs again*
Branar: Truly, why have they not yet done away with these pathetic females? They are weak and useless. Kill them!


Oh well, it’s a losing battle really. Damn elf is just too good looking for his own bloody good. I think I should count to three now. I brought out the sword I had been given and braced myself.

Sesshoumaru: and now the fellowship of the Ring is carrying spare swords for Sues around? This Sesshoumaru does not believe that.

1-2-3… and there goes Frodo!

Ami: she really captures the mood of that scene beautifully, doesn’t she? Such amazing descriptions.

Sam managed to cut the first tentacle, but Slimy Calamares is persistent. Dozens of tentacles now burst from the churning water and wrapped themselves around Frodo. We ran forward to help him cutting and hacking through the tentacles with all our might. I didn’t bother looking at the others, I knew they were doing the same thing as me. HACKING.

Ace: HACKING?!
Vanille: Yes, HACKING!
Ace: HACKING makes me RAGE!
Ami: It makes me frown. Hacking is a crime, and can damages computers extensively.


I guess old Slime didn’t like getting hacked so it decided to vent all it’s frustrations on me.

*everybody cheers for the Watcher*

Wonderful ain’t it?

Branar: You bet it is!

One moment I was hacking him to pieces, the next he’s dangling me to death.

Ace: I’m not very well-versed in the way of tentacled beasts, but how do you dangle one to death?
Vanille: I don’t know either. Ami, you have studied. How do you dangle one to death?
Ami: I am sorry to say that I have no clue.


As I’ve mentioned before, I am deathly afraid of heights. And the altitude was mind- dropping. Of course, being that it was the natural response to this kind of stimulus, I screamed. I saw Legolas showering Slimy’s head with arrows and Frodo being released.
Umm.. hello? Still here!

Sesshoumaru: Everybody knows, but nobody cares.

I was about to scream for help when I was hurtled through the air. An extremely painful crash resounded in my ears and I knew no more…

Vanille: fal’Cie be praised, she’s dead!

Tasha
“SAM!” I screamed running towards my best friend’s limp form on the ground. I could hear Boromir or someone else shouting for us to run into the mines. I couldn’t care less. I need to help Sam. I bent down and turned Sam on her back. She was bleeding and it looked like her left arm was broken.

*everybody is disappointed that Sue S is not dead.*
Ace: I suppose it was too good to be true.


“Oh my God, Sam..” I breathed tears obscuring my vision. A hand squeezed my shoulder and I looked up. Legolas stood there, an anguished look on his face.

Sesshoumaru: it hurt him to touch a Sue.

“Legolas you’re an elf, right? Is she--?” I couldn’t bring myself to finish.
“We have not much time. Run inside.”

Branar: good thinking. Nobody will find it suspicion if they drop down a very deep mineshaft. They slipped. End of story, and goodbye Sues.

I opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off.
“I will carry her inside. Make haste!”

Ami: I fear lord Legolas has lost his senses.

I nodded and ran into the mines grabbing Sam’s bag. Legolas and I ran inside as the rock wall came tumbling down.
Once we were safe inside, Legolas gently laid Sam’s limp body on a space of clean rock.
“Is she dead?” came Pippin’s voice.

Vanille: the author made a mistake. It should be “came Pippin’s hopeful voice”.

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes at his question. I knelt down beside my friend, brushing away the locks of ebony

*everybody cringes*

hair that covered her face.
Gandalf knelt down beside me as well, and called to Aragorn for a few leaves of athelas.

Ace: did this Aragorn carry those around all the time? If he did, why didn’t he simply take some from his supply when he had to cure those three people in the houses of healing in the third book, instead of going all over Minas Tirith for them?

The ranger silently handed the leaves to the old wizard who placed them on my friend’s still bleeding wound.
“Would you happen to have some bandages?” he asked me.

Branar: he wanted to mummify the Sue.

I said nothing and rummaged around my bag, hands shaking. I brought out a white shirt and ripped it into pieces with my sword.

Vanille: can you rip with a sword? Cutting, slashing, yes, but I don’t know about ripping…

Gandalf stood up and was replaced by Legolas who bandaged Sam’s head.
“Will she be ok?” I asked him, thankful that my voice didn’t break.
“She is still breathing. But only time will tell what will truly happen.” He said in a quiet voice.

Sesshoumaru: Because Sue T was stupid, she did not hear the disappointment in Legolas his voice.

I stood up and turned to the others, Boromir who had become sort of like an older brother to Sam

All: but of course he had!

stood nearby, his features clouded with concern.
“what are we supposed to do with Sam while she’s unconscious?” I asked Gandalf. He looked thoughtful for a moment before he said,

Branar (as Gandalf): Kill!

“she is light enough to be borne by one of us.”
“I will do it.” Legolas volunteered.

All: But of course he did!

Gandalf nodded.

Vanille: and enter bobble head Gandalf.

“So be it. Now we have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria.” He said striking his staff on the ground so that it shone with a bright light. “Keep close,” he warned. “There are fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the earth.”

Ace: more movie script?
*Ami nods*


I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. I watched as Legolas gently picked Sam up and started walking. Gimli followed him deep in thought. The hobbits were in the middle while Boromir and I brought up the rear. The darkness that constantly threatened to envelop us did nothing to improve my spirits.
“You need not worry yourself so much,” Boromir told me. “I am sure she will be just fine. Sam is a strong girl.”

Sesshoumaru: unfortunately, this Sesshoularu fears he may be correct.

I nodded in answer but his tone was just as worried as mine had been. Like he didn’t believe it for a minute. We walked and walked for what seemed to me like days. And just when I thought my feet couldn’t walk another step, we stopped for a rest in front of the three caves. You know them; the caves that had Gandalf confused? The one where he couldn’t seem to pick out which one would lead to Dwarrowdelf.

Ami: And still the author is going strong with great descriptions.

I sat down just like the others while Gandalf was trying to remember the way. Legolas set Sam down near the fire with a blanket of pillows for her to use. I could see her chest’s rise and fall and I could tell that her breathing was extremely ragged. I am extremely worried now. And also hungry. I think I’ll go nick a bit of muffin from Sam’s bag.

Ace: Listen up, author, if the character is not my brother, then I don’t find this sort of random thoughts believable or fun, but utterly stupid, got it?!

….

Ace: dot dot dot dot?
Vanille: Right-o! Moving on.


The hobbits were eating dinner. Sausages and grease as usual. Pippin took a bite of the toasty sausage and at that exact moment, Sam shot up and said, “You killed it! You killed the sausage!”

*everybody stares in shock at the screen*
Branar: the stupidity… it hurts…


and fell back in a faint. I stared at her now sleeping form and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Sesshoumaru: how about die in shame?

Five minutes later, she was sitting up again.
“Oh, look at the pretty monkeys!” she said gaily, and fell back again. This happened two more times, after every five minutes she would suddenly cry,
“Napoleon, come back!” her voice filled with anguish. Or a hilarious, “Polka-dotted monkey…”

Ace: yeah, very humorous…
Ami: absolutely. Very believable, and of course adorable and lovable. Not to mention relevant to the plot. Such great writing, too.


By now all of us were staring at her weird looks on all our faces. Personally, I think she’s hallucinating.

Vanille: You don’t say?

And as an explanation, Napoleon is a female monkey that Sam and I found wandering the streets of California. Sam, being the weird girl that she is, took the monkey in and named her Napoleon. Unfortunately, one of her stepbrothers left the window open and Napoleon ran away. Poor Sam, she spent months looking for that monkey. Needless to say, Sam never spoke to her stepsiblings again.

Branar: I’m not even going to comment on this.

I watched as Legolas settled down beside Sam’s now sleeping form and stroke her bandaged head. I smile from my place as I continue watching them. He lifted her head up ever so slightly, and lowered his head as if to hear something. Frowning, I stood up and approached the pair. Sam was murmuring, her voice was barely an audible whisper. Overjoyed at this sign that she might be ok, I hurried forward. I heard Boromir’s footsteps following me as I sat down to hear what she was saying.

Sesshoumaru: knowing the Sue, it couldn’t have been anything important.

“No, I don’t want the ring! It’s power means nothing… to me… if denying you… control… over me… means that I… have chosen my own… destruction… so be… it! I will not… have anything at all… to do with you… my heart… is… not yours to command… be gone! If the one… that I love… cannot return… my feelings without you… then I do not.. want his love… treachery will be the only… result…”

Ace: Broken… sentences… too much… And… I give up, it’s too hard to continue like that.
Ami: I cannot believe my eyes. A Sue is tempted by the One Ring?
Vanille: Yes, and a pig just flew by.


I stared wide-eyed at my friend, not quite drinking in all that she just said.
“What just happened here?” I asked, not daring to believe. No one seemed able to answer me though. “Did she just-?” I asked them again, with no response. I shook my head attaching a grin to my face. “She didn’t, she couldn’t have been battling Sauron could she?”

Sesshoumaru: Of course not. Sauron would have obviously won. The Sue has a far too weak mind to survive a mind game with the Dark Lord.

I looked down at my friend relief spreading through me, I sat down heaving a satisfied sigh. Sam’s breathing had become less ragged and her paper white face was now less pale. She was no longer shivering, and she no longer looked in pain. Leaning back, I embraced the darkness that spread out like a blanket around me. I breathed in and released my thoughts and worries, and headed off into a deep slumber..

Branar: And then the fellowship left them behind to die. The End.

A/n: hope you liked that chappie!

Ace: can’t say I did, sorry.
Vanille: Don’t apologize, Ace, we didn’t either. Is it okay if I call you Ace, by the way?
Ace: Sure.


I don’t know when I’ll be posting another one because I still have to study for a quiz bee, make chapters for 3 other stories so bear with me and review this one.

Ami: I think I’ll pass.

I think it’s a bit longer than my previous ones so hopefully that’s compensation.

Vanille: It’s only compensation when they’re shorter.
Branar: Or nonexistent.

I have recently learned about chain reading. So I ask you readers to read this story, review and get your friends to read and review.

Ami: I think I’ll spare my friends the pain, my apologies.

I hope you liked this, really.

Ace: Nope.

And please review.

Sesshoumaru: No.

shadow08 c”,)

Vanille: And another chapter done. How many left?
Mastermind: thirty nine, and still rising. The author seems bent on finishing this.
Ami: Oh dear…
Ace: Can I go back to the afterlife now?
Mastermind: After giving it some thought, no. I think you’ll make a fine addition to the crew, Portgas D. Ace. So I’ll keep you as my guest for a bit longer. What is the rush, anyway? You are dead.
Ace: Yeah, but this is worse than death.
Mastermind: Don’t be like that. How about I bring your brother over as a guest for a chapter, sometime? Then you can have a reunion and take all the time you need for a proper farewell.
Ace: If you put it that way… Deal.
Mastermind (pleased): Excellent! Welcome to my humble mansion of Randomness!
Ace: Yeah, yeah, whatever. What’s for dinner?
*All exit.*



Review the story here.
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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Paying Tribute to the Past
The living room of Mastermind’s Mansion of Randomness was getting quite crowded these days, as no less than six ‘guests’ were present there at the moment. Vanille and Mia were watching television, while Ami Mizuno was reading a book on mathematics. Branar and Sesshoumaru were sitting at the table in the room, stoically discussing battle techniques. The final occupant of the room, the newcomer Portgas D. Ace, was also sitting at the table, but on the opposite end, stuffing himself with delicious food as if his life, which he no longer had, depended on it. Every now and then he would randomly fall asleep, a family trait he shared with his adopted brother and adoptive grandfather. At first it had startled the girls, thinking he died, but Ace was already dead, and Mastermind quickly cleared up the misunderstanding. Since then, the girls had stopped caring, though they did wonder how one man could eat so much. Half of the table was already covered in empty plates, and Ace was still eating.

The casual, good atmosphere in the room of course couldn’t last, as Mastermind’s voice drifted to all of them through the speakers: “Attention, my dear guests, but you are scheduled to do another chapter of ‘stuck in Middle Earth’ today. Your guest for this chapter is already waiting, so four of you will have to go to the theatre now,” the deity said calmly.

“I apologize, but I am not going this time,” Ami immediately said, causing her two fellow females to glance at her, confused and frightened. Understanding their worry, the blue-haired girl quickly explained: “No, no, I am not breaking down yet! But Mastermind has been so kind to transfer my homework and books for my studies to this place, and I’d like to use this afternoon to catch up with my studies.”

“You want to do homework?” Vanille exclaimed, shocked. “Seriously?”

“Well, yes, why not? Studying is fun…” the Japanese teenager replied shyly.

“Count me out this time, too,” Branar snapped coldly. When he got questioning looks, the Skrall warrior waved with what looked like a magazine. “The last Bionicle comic ever has been released, and Mastermind sent it here just now. I’m going to read it to see what’s going on on my planet during my absence. You have fun with the badfic.”

“That’s decided then,” Mastermind interrupted suddenly. “Ami and Branar will not join today’s reading. Lord Sesshoumaru, Mia, Vanille and Ace, the theatre awaits!”

Wit no other choice, the four in question moved out of the living room and into the theatre, where their guest for this chapter was indeed already waiting, seated in the back row of the theatre.

Nobody had ever seen him before, and he was entirely cloaked in blue robes. All that they could see of the being beneath those robes were two glowing green eyes. When he spoke, however, they all recognized him.

“MASTERMIND?!”

The cloaked figure nodded. “Yes, I didn’t have any inspiration for a guest this chapter, so I went with myself this time. Now take your seats, it’s about to start.”


---

Mia (sighing): Stuck in Middle earth, chapter 6.
Mastermind: Only 39 chapters to go.
Vanille: Mastermind, we would all appreciate it if you just keep to sporking and stop downing our morale!
Mastermind: My apologies.


A/n: hellos! Well… I'm back!

Mastermind: And the crowd went wild!
*Silence.*
Mastermind: Not.
Vanille (to herself): Well, at least he can spork.


Exams are over and here I am… so here ya go! I realize that it's been ages since I've done a disclaimer so here goes:

Ace: Do we really need these disclaimers all the time? I mean, what’s the point? If we read fanfics, what do you think we expect? That the real author is writing them too? Of course not, so we KNOW you don’t own the rights to whatever you write a fanfic for.

Disclaimer: I swear by all that is sugary, chocolaty and baked,

Mia: At least she’s being original in her disclaimer.

I do not own LOTR and if you think I do, you need to consult a psychiatrist.

Sesshoumaru: The one who needs a psychiatrist here is you, Suethor, not this Sesshoumaru.

Chapter 6: Sam's sacrifice

Ace: Wow, the Sue’s gonna die. This might be interesting.
Mastermind: Don’t get your hopes up. Sue’s are like Heavy Metal: it never dies.


Sam
Fuck, my head is killing me.

Vanille: It was tired of belonging to a boring, generic Sue.

Ooh… pretty elvish singing….

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru is certain that a mortal hearing Elvish singing for the first time would be far more moved than this Sue is.

Wait… WHY the bloody hell is there elvish singing?

Mia: Why ask us? YOU are living this ‘story’.

Oh… I remember…. I'm in Middle Earth….

Mastermind: Not really, but let’s leave her in her delusions.
Vanille: Gladly.


Dear me, I think I'm gonna explode….

*All get excited.*

What the bloody fuck happened last night?
Awaken little one…

Ace: Alright, who the hell is trying to help a Sue? I’ll burn him or her to a crisp.

HOLY SHIT! Who the hell was that? That was definitely not me!

Mia: You sure that it’s not just a voice in your head, a sign you’re going mad?

Arise, and be not afraid. All is well.

Mastermind: On the contrary, there’s two Sues in Middle-earth, that hardly counts as well.

Uh… ok, who are you? I'm pretty sure the demented little voice in my head wouldn't sound so amused at my babbling, so that rules it out….

Vanille: At least she admits she’s demented.

I am the Lady of the Wood.

Sesshoumaru: Correction. OOC Lady of the Wood.

Ah, feck. Galadriel… that'd explain the singing… I'm in Lothlorien…
Hang on…. I'M IN LOTHLORIEN! Woo-hoo! Let's party!

Mia: *bang her head against the seat in front of her* It’s as childish as I remember. Sue, will you just GROW UP already?!
Vanille: That, and I would say a real girl-who-fell-in-Middle-earth would react far more awed and appropriate to the glory of Lothlorien.


But that means Gandalf's dead… aww man… how long have I been out?

Ace: Not nearly long enough.

"Samantha," whispered a voice beside me. "wake up."
No thanks. I'll keep my eyes tightly closed thank you very much.
"Particularly stubborn today are you?" came a different voice.
Ha-ha. I realize that I've said my last thought out loud again. Stupid mouth has a mind of its own.

Mastermind: This Sue really is a strange specimen. Voices in her head, a sentient mouth…

"Sam, wake up before we make you." Came yet another voice.
God, how many people are there? Leave me alone you codfishes!
"Oh, codfishes are we? Well, of all the insults you could throw!" came the first voice in a sarcastic tone.
"Shut up! I'm trying to sleep!" I yelled in disdain and covered myself with a blanket. Maybe they'll get the idea and go away.

Sesshoumaru: Or maybe they will grow smart and end your miserable existence.

….
Nope. No such luck.
"If you do not wake up this instant, you will miss breakfast. The Halflings are eating everything in sight." The voice warned.

Vanille (as voice): They do not wish to share with you.

Ah, Legolas. You should know that I will never get up for food. Particularly not the kind of food they're eating.

Ace: What, huh? Hobbit food not special enough for you? Damn spoiled brat. I never cared what I ate, as long as I could eat a lot.
Mia (dryly): That, we’ve noticed.


"Don't want food. Sleeeep…"
"Alright, I will have to resort to drastic measures then."
Don't make me laugh buddy boy. What on earth could you possibly do?

Mastermind: Well, shoot you full of holes, for example. And now there’s an idea…

"Where did I see that bowl of water?" he said in a mock-thoughtful voice.
Eep, water? I have no intention of getting wet!

Vanille: Too bad for you that you wetted yourself when you first saw orcs, with or without the intend.
Ace: Because, you know, Sue, that would be the logical thing to do.


"Ok, ok I'm up! Geez, you'd think you could let a girl rest!" I complained sitting up.
I looked up at him and saw that he had this massive grin on his face.

Mastermind (as Legolas): Perfect. Aragorn said that if she was rude or stuck up one more time, I could kill her.

"Ok, creepy…" I said standing up and stretching. My head is still fucking killing me.

Sesshoumaru (as head): DIE!

"What happened? Why does my head feel like a horse stomped on it?" I asked him swaying dizzily.
"You do not remember the mines?" he asked looking concerned.
"Mines? Oh, yeah. Moria." I said nodding. What did I remember?

Ace: Can’t be much, as she has the memory of a goldfish. And those have a memory of only three seconds, I’ve heard.

Not much… we went in, got freaked out by the hordes of decay and went out. Hacked a few watcher tentacles…
Oh… yeah. Watcher… Slimy Calamares threw me into a mountain.
And something else…
I looked at Legolas who was watching me intently. I blushed and looked away. Damn it!
"Where's Tasha?" I asked him standing up.
"With the others." He answered taking me by the arm.

Sesshoumaru: Why Legolas would willingly touch a Sue is beyond this Sesshoumaru’s understanding.

We walked to the fellowship, in silence. I sat down beside Tasha who looked so relieved to finally see me walking around and hitting things again.

Mastermind: What did things ever do to her that she’s hitting them?
Mia: They didn’t bown down to her enough, obviously.


I was in the middle of biting into a piece of lembas when another elf barges in and tells us that the Lady wanted to talk to me and Tasha.

Ace: Watch it people, here comes the prophecy, destiny or whatever crap Sues have.

"The Lady wishes to speak to you." He told us in a superior way. Tasha nodded and pulled me up. I stepped over the seat I was in and tripped.

*All laugh.*

My cheeks burned with embarrassment as Legolas picked me up.
"Thanks." I muttered, and followed Tasha.
….
Holy feck, she's gorgeous. I mean… whoa… this is Galadriel? Wow, does she know that she's glowing? I should ask...

*Everybody facepalms.*
Mastermind: Just how rude can a Sue be?! You do not ask such things when you meet the Lady of the Wood for the first time!


But then again, it might be considered rude…
What the hey!
"Hey, did you know you're glowing?" I asked her in a would-be-offhand voice. But instead, it came out sounding psychotically weird… how do I do that?

Sesshoumaru: Alright, SOMEBODY kill her before this Sesshoumaru snaps and does it!
Mastermind: *takes out cellphone* What’s the number of the PPC again?


She just stared at me as if I were some dodo bird dancing on its head… disturbing…

Vanille (sarcastic): Or maybe, just very, very maybe, you just were incredibly rude and deserved her scorn?!

Tasha
So this is the Lady of the Wood…
Interesting...
She looks like she's always in on something… like she always has some sort of secret… sorta like the Mona Lisa really…
"Sit down ladies."

Ace: I’d hardly call those things ladies. *leans back in his seat and props his feet up on the seat in front of him*

She said motioning towards the chairs. "I have much to discuss with you."
We sat down and said nothing, waiting for Galadriel to explain. She sat down, her glowing frame becoming brighter against the dark wood of the chair she sat in.
I scanned the glade and noticed something moving in a corner. It was climbing up a tree. Legolas? What is he doing here?

Mia: Trying to find a good spot to shoot you through the skull from, I hope.

"You are from another world are you not?" she asked us. We nodded, waiting for her to continue. "You were brought here by an ancient magic, but to what purpose I do not know."

All (sounding bored): But of course! What an unexpected twist!

"So… if we were brought here by an ancient magic… then you can get us back right?" Sam asked expectantly.
Galadriel sighed, downcast. That cannot be a good sign.
"Alas, this form of magic can only be accomplished once. And for one person only."
Sam and I looked at each other.
Did she mean what I thought she meant?

Mastermind: Seeing as you can’t think, the answer is no.

"Forgive me, but there is naught that I can do. You must decide… which one of you shall go back to your world?"
No, she can't mean that.

Ace: She can and she did.

No way!

Vanille: Way!

Sam and I are best friends! We could never leave each other.

Mia: *snorts* I’m sure if Galadriel said that only one of you can go back and hump Legolas, you wouldn’t hesitate a moment.

Sam
I walked back to the fellowship distraught. I could hear Galadriel's words echoing in my mind.

Sesshoumaru: A clear sign it is hollow in there.

"Tash?" I said quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Why don't you go ahead?" I told her. "I'll just walk around for a bit."
"You'll get lost Sam." She told me.
Oh great, even she doesn't trust me. "I'll be fine." I tell her with a gin. "If I get lost I'll just ask one of the sentinel thingies to tell me where to go."
She nodded and walked off. Doesn't look too convinced though… ok so I have a huge dilemma to work with…
Where's a clearing when you need one?
Seriously, I need to think. I feel like I'm going to explode.

Mastermind: Don’t other getting excited, my dear guests, she won’t explode.
The others: Damn.



I sat down on the riverbank and stared at the water.
I closed my eyes and clenched my fists against the grass.
I can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like without my best friend.
I opened my eyes surprised that my face was wet. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I sprawled down on the grass and stared at the darkening sky.

Ace: Are we, you know, supposed to feel sorry for her?
Mia: I guess so, but the author has made these two so unlikeable and immature that it’s impossible to do so.



I woke up to the rain pounding on my body. Drenched to the bone, I stood up and slowly made my way to the place where I thought the fellowship would be located.
I've made my decision. And Tasha's just gonna have to accept it.
But I think I'm gonna have to find her first…
Oh crap…
Of all the times to be fucking lost!

*Everybody laughs out loud.*

Shit! Shittedy, Shittedy, Shittedy, shit!
I'm drenched and I'm cold! Aren't there any sentinels around here?
Apparently not.
I dropped down on the watery ground and let the rain pound against my shoulders. I let the tears flow freely with the rainwater, down my face.
I can't do this. If I go, I'll never ever see my best friend again…

Mia: We would rejoice if we never had to see either of you again.

What's a girl to do?

Ace: Commit suicide and free us here from the pain.

A/n: what is a girl to do? Wanna find out?

Sesshoumaru: No.

Wanna know if she's gonna stay or leave?

Mastermind: Nope.

Wanna find out which girl will go back?

Vanille: You deaf or something? We said no!

Then submit me a review! It isn't really that hard… after all… you just click the purple button down there… see?

Mia: She’s treating us like toddlers.
Ace: Given that she is one herself, I’m not surprised.


Ok, so leave me a review! Ta, I'm off to the halls of Mandos!

All: 0_o
Mastermind: She knows of Mandos?!
Sesshoumaru: This cannot be, not unless she heard it in the movies somewhere.


Review responses:
Pop-tarts: hope that this is soon enough! Thanks for your review!
Crecy: hope you liked this chapter!
Dagg: thanks!
Fk306animelover: here you go!
Anubisritual: thank you!
rOckergirL: thanks… here's the next chapter!

*Everybody curses the reviewers for reviewing and encouraging the Suethor.*

Mastermind: Well, it’s over. I must say, sporking is a rather interesting way to pass time, I might do it again.
Mia: We might like you better if you did, because now you know what you’re putting us through.
Vanille: Anyway, let’s get out of here. I wonder if Ami made progress in her studying?
*All exit.*



Review the story here.
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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Paying Tribute to the Past
Ami, Branar, Mia, Ace and Sesshoumaru entered the theatre for another part of the horror called ‘Stuck in the Middle earth’. The five of them were confused as to why they were with five in the first place. Normally it was four of them, plus one guest. But once they scanned the row of seats, they noticed no new guest was waiting for them. As expected, Mastermind’s voice soon came through the speakers to offer an explanation.

“Lazy as it may seem,” the deity began, “I’ve decided to stop picking up guests for now. There are more than forty chapters in this pile of vomit, and as I’m already running out of varying ideas for guests now, I don’t want to know what I would do when we’re at chapter thirty or so. And as there are six guests now, anyway, we can do this by ourselves. One of you can stay behind every chapter, and occasionally I’ll join you again, too.”

“Well, if it means we’ll be done with this more quickly, I don’t mind,” Mia said with a sigh. Reluctantly she took her usual seat, Ami taking place next to her. The three males all took place on the back row of the theatre, again. The lights dimmed, and the screen lit up.


---

Mia: Stuck in Middle earth, chapter 7.
Ace: Pardon me for not being excited.
Branar: You’re forgiven
.

A/n: wooh! I'm spazzing out again. I think… too much chocolate and soda does not do me any good.

Ami: Neither does it do your readers any good.

It makes me all hyper! And now the sugar rush is deflating… aww… and there's no more choco in the house!

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru is happy with such small favours.

So anyways, before I totally lose it, here's your next chappie…

Mia: That’s your next chapter, Shadow08. We don’t want anything to do with this.

Sam
"It isn't fair! We didn't even ask for any of this! Why do I have to part with my best friend? WHY? Give me a fucking reason!"

Branar: So we’ll have to suffer the company of only one Sue in the future.
Ace: Good one.


I screamed at the rainy heavens.

Mia (singing): Here comes the rain again, falling on my head…

"Whoever you are calling, he won't answer you." Said a haughty voice.

Ace: It’s God, coming down from above to smite down the Sue.

I turned around to see Haldir the march warden sitting in a tree.

Sesshoumaru: Naturally. A haughty voice in Lothlorien equals Haldir.

Bloody wonderful.

Ami: If you say so…

"What do you want?" I asked him closing my eyes.

Branar (as Haldir): Your DEATH!
Ace: You know, Brannie, all these death jokes are getting old.
Branar: Old, but still very fitting. And it’s Branar, fire boy.
Ace: Whatever.


"What is it that troubles you so?" he asked climbing down the tree

Mia: Haldir is a monkey now?

and sitting next to me in the rain.

Ami: The poor Elf has lost his mind.
Ace: Why? Because he’s sitting in the rain?
Ami: No, because he’s sitting next to a terrible character.


"Don't you have to be defending the borders right now, o march warden?" I asked silkily.

Sesshoumaru: Keep your impudent tone to yourself, filthy virmin.
Branar: How in Tuma’s name do you ask something silkily?
Ace: Does this mean you can ask things cottonly, too?
Ami: Silkily is actually a word, Ace. Cottonly is not.
Ace: But still!


"N'uma.

All: What?

Keeping you company will do for now."

Mia: You were right, Ami, he has lost it.

I rolled my eyes and turned aside.

Branar: And then Haldir shot her in the head. Her head, being nothing more but a painted balloon, exploded.
Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru likes that idea.


"Will you not tell me your woes? Perhaps I might be of help."

Ace: Let’s say hello to psychologist Haldir.
All: Hello!


"Not unless you have enough magical powers to send us both back." I mumbled into the grass.

Mia: Wait, she doesn’t want to stay and hump Legolas?
Ami: I did not need to hear that.
Mia: Sorry, Ami.
Ace: Never mind that, somebody explain me how you can mumble in grass.
*Silence.*
Ace: Yeah, that’s what I thought…


"Perhaps you would like to explain yourself."
"Not likely." I told him.
I heard him heave a sigh. Gosh, do I really wear people's patience out that quickly?

Ace: Yes.
Mia: Absolutely.
Ami: Without a doubt.
Branar: Certainly.
Sesshoumaru: For sure.
Mastermind: Amen to that.


He leaned back heavily on the ground.

Ace: Somebody show me how to do that!
*Nobody moves.*


Guess I do.

Ami: At least she realises it now.

"You come from a distant land I am told. And the only way for you to return is through the Lady's power. But it is not enough and only one of you may return. And now you are confused. You do not know which of you should return. Am I correct?"
"If you knew all along, why did you have to ask?"

Branar (as Haldir): I wanted to see if you had the necessary vocabulary to explain it yourself.
Sesshoumaru: It is likely she does not.


He didn't answer me. He just lay there in silence as the ever-pouring rain drenched us even more.
Dear god, I'm gong to catch my death of colds like this.

*All smile at that thought.*
Ami: Wait. Gong?
Ace: It’s a watchamacallit!
Ami: A what?
Ace: A typo.
Ami: Oh, I see.


Haldir doesn't have a problem. He's an elf and elves don't get sick do they?
If you said yes, ding ding ding! We have a winner!

*Rumbling noise in the distance.*
Ace: What was that?
Branar: The fourth wall being broken. Again.
Mia: I thought Mastermind had stopped repairing it after last time?


But then again, you could put a dozen napoleons in front of me and I still wouldn't care.
My best friend is more important than a bunch of monkeys.

Mia: Since when did napoleons become a synonym for monkeys?
Ami: Since Shadow08 said so, alas.
Ace: Eh, somebody needs to call the “Guardians of the English Language” organisation.


"Every cloud has a silver lining Sam. And every creature has a purpose." Haldir told me.
NOW WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Branar: Exactly what it says, dimwit.
Sesshoumaru: Interesting, Haldir is aware that the Sue is a creature, not a woman.


TASHA

*Everybody winces as the POV changes.*

I told Sam she'd just get lost! Now it's raining cats and dogs

Mia: I’ sure it’s just raining normal raindrops. Cats and dogs can’t drench you.
Ace: Well, actually…
Mia: Don’t even say it!


and she's still nowhere in sight.
"Troubled?" Boromir asked standing next to me.

Ace: Who is “standing next to me”?
Ami: Where did that come from?
Ace: Well, it says “Boromir asked standing next to me”. If she meant that Boromir asked it while standing next to her, she would have put a comma there, no?
Ami: You’re absolutely correct.
Mia: Wonderful, another Sue.


"A little." I answered.
"Do not be. Lord Aragorn has assured me that this is a safe realm. We will be alright."
I nodded and gave him a small smile. I sat down on an empty seat next to Legolas and stared at the table.
I am so torn right now. On the one hand, I'm in Middle Earth. The world I could only dream of.

Branar (sarcastic): Yeah, great dreamworld. Orcs, wars, dark lords, witch-kings, ringwraiths, no modern comfort, no equality between genders… Must be great for you, disgusting female!
Ace: Of course it is. She has hot elfs to picture in her head while getting off at night.
Mia: I so did not need to hear that. Keep such riffs to yourself next time, Portgas D. Ace!


And I'm here with Sam, my best friend. And on the other hand, there was my family. And my school, my dreams of becoming a model. Could I really trade all that I've believed was real, in exchange for a fantasy world?

Ami: No, you can’t. That would be selfish.

And what of Sam? Only one of us can go. And if I do, that means Sam will get left behind. Can I really part with my best friend? Sam's been like a sister to me. Abandoning such a friendship would be unthinkable…

Sesshoumaru: Not really.

Two very wet heads suddenly popped up into our talan.

Ace: Hey, that’s interesting. Two severed heads suddenly teleported in.

"Heya!" Sam greeted cheerfully. She jumped up into the flooring and sat next to me, squeezing herself between Legolas and me.

Mia (as Sam): Cuz Legolas is, lyke, sooooo hot!

She started talking in a very hyper voice. "Hey Tasha, I think I saw Napoleon in one of the trees. Do you think she's here? Coz I swear I saw a brown tail swishing in a mallorn tree over at Gala's glade. Maybe she's here. Wouldn't that be great Tash? Don't you think so? Huh? Huh? What do you think?""

*All but Branar and Sesshoumaru start banging their heads against their seats.*
Branar: I can’t believe I just read that.
Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru can not believe the author had the nerve to write it!


Uhmm…

Ami (weakly): My thoughts exactly.

"Haldir?" I asked the march warden who was now in the process of wiping himself with a towel. He turned to me.
"Uma min arwen?" he asked lapsing into elvish. I stared blankly at him.

*All look sceptically.*
Ace: Is that real Sindarin she’s using?
Ami: I’m no expert, but I tend to doubt it.


"Oh, I beg your pardon. What was it?" he said apologetically after seeing my blank face.
"Did Sam eat anything while she was with you?" I asked. Wait… "She was with you right?"
The blonde elf nodded. "She did eat something. A brightly wrapped brown thing. I think she called it a…"
Oh dear god. "A chocolate bar?" I asked.
"Oh, Yes."
"How many did she eat?" I asked fearfully, looking at Sam who had a dazed smile on her face.

Mia: *facepalms* I can see where this is going…

"About six I believe."
I rubbed my head wearily. Shit, hyper, scary…

Ace: She summed up my thoughts perfectly.

Ok I think it's my turn to go run off… A hyper Samantha is not high on my priority list.
Dear God, she thinks she's the Easter bunny.

Sesshoumaru: Let us make stew of her and devour her.

HEEELPPP!

Ami: It’s scary how this Sue manages to sum up perfectly what we are thinking at this moment.

….
Ok, after two hours in which Sam drove us crazy, we have finally managed to calm her down.
Yes. It does involve a chair and a good length of rope. How'd you guess?
Yes, yes and a good bit of gagging material as well.

Ace (to Branar): Did you make a guess?
Branar: I did not. I have better things to do.
Ace (to the girls): How about you?
*Both shake their heads.*
Sesshoumaru: Neither did this Sesshoumaru.
Ace: Sorry to tell ya, Shadow08, but none of us made any guesses, so your sentence fails.
Mastermind: It’s not the only thing of her that fails.
Mia: Amen to that.


I walked by to the window and sat down. The rain was lessening and a breeze stirred outside.
"Lady Natasha, may I ask you something?" Legolas said walking over to me.
"Sure, shoot."

*All cheer.*
Branar: Now you’re talking!


I said trying my best to be cheerful.
"Would it be possible for you to teach me about your friend?" he asked blushing.

*All let out a disappointed sigh.*
Ace: Well, we should have known better.


"What? What do you mean?"
"Well, In all honesty, I do not understand her. She is strange in my eyes. You come from a distant land do you not? Perhaps that is why I find it difficult to understand your strange ways." He explained.

Ami: Trust me, Lord Legolas, the way these two abominations of mankind behave has nothing to do at all with where they came from. Most parents in this world raise their children with better manners and better education and thoughts, too.

I nodded in understanding. That's sweet. He wants to get to know her sordid mannerisms. Well… it'll give me something to occupy myself with.
"So you want me to teach you all about Sam?"

Branar (as Legolas): Yes, I just asked that, stupid woman!

He nodded. I smiled at him.
"Meet me by the river after 5 minutes." I said standing up. I climbed down the talan and dropped down onto the soft green grass.
The rain had stopped, leaving the scent of wet grass lingering around.
I sat down on a rock and watched the river Silverlode flow by.
The sound of footsteps told me that Legolas had arrived.

Sesshoumaru: And how does she know for certain that it is Legolas?

"He-" I began cheerfully, but I was cut short when I saw that it wasn't Legolas who was there, it was Sam.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru warned her.

Uh-oh… I'm getting a horrible sense of foreboding here…

Mia: Me too, unfortunately.

Sam
"Hey." I greeted Tasha. Ok, I know I must have been totally hyper but did they really have to tie me to a chair?

Ace: Yes.
Mia: Absolutely.
Ami: Without a doubt.
Branar: Certainly.
Sesshoumaru: For sure.


I mean, really.
"Hi." She greeted. "What's up?"
Oh shit. I almost forgot what I came here for.

Ami: She really has the attention span of a goldfish.
Ace: Which is an insult to goldfishes.
Mia: Déjà vu moment here.


I sat down beside her, sweeping my hair from my face.
"We-we have to talk." I told her.
"Oh, about what?"

Branar: Can she be any more clueless?
Ace: I’m sure she can, yes.


"About that trip back home." I said quickly, as if it'd be less of a problem if it came out fast.
The smile on Tasha's face had slipped by now and was replaced by a look of extreme confusion.
"But Sam, what about you?" she asked after what seemed like an eternity.
I sighed.

*And so did the sporkers.*

"Look, I know how hard this is. God, I think this is just about the hardest thing I've ever done. But see, I haven't got anything left in that world. Not really… I mean sure there's Daddy but that's it."

Mia: Selfish twit! You’d abandon your father for a life in a more dangerous world just so you can lust over some fantasy characters?! How ungrateful can you be?

I said begging the tears not to flow. This is not the time for Tasha to see me crying.
"But you Tash… you've got your family back home. I know you miss them. And besides, college is just around the corner… you have so much to go back to. Cheerleading… that internship Daddy offered you…" I trailed off biting my lip.

Ami: As if you couldn’t have that if you worked for it.
Ace: Hush girl, that would actually require her to do some effort.


"Sam… I can't just leave you… I-I can't"
"No. You can. My mind's made up. You're going to go back." I told her firmly.

Branar: Who died and made her boss?
Sesshoumaru: My patience did.


"This isn't about your decisions Sam. This isn't one of those redeemable situations we used to find ourselves in! If I go, there's no turning back! We can never see each other again!" she shouted angrily at me.

Mia: I’d be happy about that!

"Don't you want to see your family again?" I asked.
"I do."

Ami (as Tasha): And so should you!

"Then what the fuck is the problem! I'm giving you the chance to do so! Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? I will never see my father again! And you… I'll never see you again either… but it doesn't matter… It doesn't matter if I get hurt. I'll be happy just knowing that one day… you'll become a fabulous model… just like you've always dreamt to be… I want you to have our world." I told her tears now pouring down my cheeks.

Ace (unimpressed): Isn’t she selfless? I would admire her sacrifice if she weren’t 0% likable.

So much for begging. The little men in lab coats up in my brain are asking for a raise.

All: What?

"Sam… I don't know what to say. I don't want to leave you. You're my best friend."

Branar: You said that already. Get on with it!

Tasha began, not bothering to wipe away her tears.
"But you miss your family. I know. Which is why you have to say you'll go back. Please?"

Mia: She really wants the Middle earth lust objects all for herself, doesn’t she?
*Others nod.*


she smiled and nodded through her tears. She stood up from her seat and engulfed me in a hug.
"You have to promise me two things." I told her.

Ace: One, you can’t have my comics. Two, don’t fap over ME characters again, they’re mine now.

"What?' she asked pulling back.
"Take care of Daddy ok? The old man needs it. Tell him I just need some time to get to know myself and maybe someday I'll come back." I requested.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru thinks that old man is better of without such an ungrateful daughter.

"anything else?"
"Yeah." I answered hugging her. "Don't forget your best friend, when you get back." I whispered in her ear.
I felt her arms tighten around me and we sobbed, just holding each other.

Mia: Aww… Ain’t it sweet?
Others: Not at all.


Tasha
Well… it looks like I'm going home.

Branar: We figured that out ourselves. Is it truly necessary to hear it again from another POV?!

Poor Sam… I can't imagine how hard this decision was for her. She'll never see her dad again, and these last few days will be the last we ever spend together.

All (bored): We know already. Get on with it.

I wanna do something for her. Something that I know will make her happy.
What to do… what to do…
"Lady Natasha," came a voice from behind me. I turned around to see Legolas looking expectantly at me.
I'VE GOT IT!

Ace: Oh dear. This can’t be good.

Oh, this is absolutely perfect! My last act in Middle Earth shall be to:
Play MATCHMAKER!

*All stare at the screen, dumbfounded.*
Branar (weakly): She has the nerve to call that… absolutely perfect?!


I think my grin is becoming too psychotic because Legolas is staring weirdly at me.
"So, what do you want to know?" I asked him sitting down on the grass.

Mia: Hey, another new character: him sitting down on the grass.
Ace: You know your parents didn’t love you when they gave you a name like that.


"Everything. When was she born, where? What are her interests? Has she ever been in love before? Everything."

Ami: Explain to me why Legolas would even be interested in this in the first place, please.

Hmm…
"Well… her name is Samantha Marie Richards. She's eighteen years old… born in Los Angeles California. She enjoys reading books, art, elements of torture, the dark, cooking, chocolate, writing, history, plants, and handicrafts. She's the best in our year in almost all the subjects except P.E. she's extremely smart. She's got a photographic memory; she's a horrible dancer. A good singer. Lousy at public relations; has a fascination with monkeys; and a great lover of black and anything dark and gothic."

Branar: To sum it up, she’s a terrible creature. Stay away from it.

Yup that sums her up in as few words as possible.

Sesshoumaru: As few words as possible? Please tell this Sesshoumaru that she is joking. Branar did it in far fewer words.

Legolas looked at me blankly

Ami (as Legolas): She is mad!

before bursting into question again.
"What is P.E.?"
"A subject that deals with a person's bodily skills. Archery is classified as a sport in our world. So that can be in the class."
"I see.

Mia: I doubt he does, but whatever.

And what is a photographic memory?"
"Oh. It's a special ability that very few people are born with. It's the ability to memorize, or to remember something just from a short glimpse." He looked confused so I was forced to elaborate.

Ace: Oh common, Legolas isn’t that stupid!
Ami: The real Legolas is not, that is true. But this is OOC Legolas.
Ace: Right, thanks for reminding me.
Ami: You’re welcome.


"I'll give you an example. Let's say you're reading a book, you look through the books but you don't read it. Of course you won't be able to tell me what is in it, as you didn't read it. Am I right?" he nodded.

Branar: Wait just a damned second, so it was Legolas who just said this shit?
Sesshoumaru: No, it was the author failing at grammar, punctuation, spelling and in general writing a story.


"A person with a photographic memory can tell you what is in the book, word for word just by a short glimpse."
He let out an "Ahh…" of understanding and proceeded to his next question. "What do you mean she is lousy

Mia: Legolas would not use ‘lousy’. He wouldn’t even understand it.

at err—public relations?"
I let out a laugh at this. "Oh. You see, there was this one time at our school when she was asked to give a speech in one of the programs and… let's just say it wasn't pretty."
"How so?"
Nosy little bugger of an elf.

Ace: Stupid little shitpile of a Sue.
Ami: Nauseating.


"Um... well she was so nervous, she fainted and when she woke up, she vomited all over one of the guest's head."

Branar: I hope that by now he realizes what a terrible person that Sue is and stays away from her.
Sesshoumaru: Do not count on it.


He winced at that. I told you it wouldn't be pretty.
"What are monkeys?"
"Oh. Monkeys are a kind of animal. They're small brown and furry and make screeching noises. Sam likes them. One time, she found a female monkey wandering in the streets of our town, and took it home to take care of it.

*Everybody snorts in disbelief.*
Ace: Anybody with common sense would call the zoo or something.
Mia: Reminds me of this Sue I heard of, named Rosa Monroe.


She's like the Monkey wrangler. She trained it enough to dance around, and it even comes to her when she calls it.

Ami: Animal abuse! Call Gaia! And the police! She has no permission to keep a monkey as a pet in her house!

Do you remember, in the mines? When she woke up and was screaming something like 'napoleon, come back!' that was the name of the monkey. Napoleon."
He laughed genuinely at that.

Branar: Give me one good reason why he would do that. Unless it was a mocking laugh.

As if it was absurd to name any feminine being Napoleon.

Sesshoumaru: It is.

"You have not answered my other question." He said smiling.
"What question is that?" I asked.
"Has Sam ever been in love before?"

Mia: I really, really doubt Legolas would ask this. It’s improper to be so nosy, especially for a prince.
Ace: That, and the fact that he wouldn’t be interested in the love life of a teenage mortal in the first place.


I thought on the question before answering. "Yeah, a few times actually."
I pitied the crestfallen look on his face as he struggled to ask his question. "So there is someone awaiting her… back in your world?"

Branar (as Legolas): Please let her say yes, so I will not have to deal with her!

"No. There used to be. Sam's love life isn't exactly what you'd say smooth. It's quite bumpy actually."
I looked at his face for a reaction, there was none.

Sesshoumaru: And that is how it should be.

"See, she always seems to fall for the wrong guy. Her first boyfriend was in our sophomore year. The guy was a quarterback.

Ami: Unbelievable, she’s discriminating quarterbacks.

A senior. He cheated on her for a cheerleader. The next one turned out to be gay. A man who wants to be a woman.

Ami: Being homosexual does not equal wanting to be a woman!
Ace: Wow, she discriminates and is a homophobe at the same time. How much worse can she get?


The third turned out to be engaged. And the last one…"
"The last one?" he urged.
"We all thought that this guy was perfect. His name was Arthur Perry. He had the looks of the kindest elf.

Sesshoumaru: Impossible. No mortal male can have the appearance of an Elf, no matter how handsome.

He was kind, charming, smart and friendly. We all thought that Sam had found the perfect guy who would take care of her. We were all wrong. It turns out that Arthur was a deranged psychopath.

All (dryly): But of course he was.

He tried to rape Sam

All (dryly): But of course he did!
Mia: Why is originality never anywhere to be found in these stories?


on our spring formal." I took a deep breath as all the memories surfaced.
I could hear Sam's screaming when we found her on the ground with Arthur, holding a knife, on top of her.

Branar: I’m liking this Arthur guy.

All the anger, and horror of that night came rushing back.
"And he would have succeeded too if I hadn't looked for her. If I hadn't, Sam wouldn't be here. She'd be dead. That prick would've murdered her on the spot and ran for it."

Sesshoumaru: Blasted Sue. Mind your own business next time.

"Where is he now?" Legolas asked, his face a mask of blankness. I looked at his hands and saw that his hands were clenched so hard that his knuckles had turned white.

Ace: Looks like Legolas agrees with you there, Sesshy.
*Sesshoumaru glares at Ace.*


"He was sent to an institution. A sort of guarding place where he's locked away. All through out that ordeal, there was one person who knew about Arthur's psychological problems, and she didn't tell us."

Mia (bored): Enter the two dimensional antagonist-Sue.

"What? Do you mean to say that they actually hoped that it would happen?" Legolas asked incredulously.
I nodded. "Her name is Carmi Ann Morgan. The biggest bitch to ever walk in the halls of our high school. She was Arthur's cousin. And she's Sam's worst enemy."

All (exasperated): But of course she is!
Branar: This is becoming sleep-inducing!
Ami: *checks the list of Sue clichés* I’m hardly surprised by now, but this Sam seems very bent on having every cliché on the list here.


"Enemy? But why?"
"she used to be our friend. Until she became a lying sack of dragon shit.

Mia: Watch your language, Sue. You’re in the presence of an Elf lord, for goodness sake!

She was jealous of Sam because she was smart and everything she wasn't.

Ace: *shakes his head* Kids these days.

so she hoped to get rid of her that night, with Arthur. Nobody knew he was her cousin. They hardly even seemed to know each other. There was even a verbal war between Carmi and Sam once. Needless to say, Sam won.

All (dryly): But of course she did!
Ami: We should record us saying that, and next time when it is needed, simply let the record play. It would save us the trouble.
Mia: Good idea! Mastermind, what do you think?
Mastermind (through the speakers): I’ll think about it.


She may not be good at speeches, but she has some kick-ass comebacks. That twat was never a threat."
Legolas listened carefully and understandingly.

Branar: I don’t believe for even a moment that he’s understanding towards Sam. Like, at all.

he absorbed every detail that I let out.

Ace: It’s sponge-Legolas! Sucks up Sue-shit and Sue-drama faster than you can say Sue!

If all audiences could be like Legolas I might do politics instead.
Nah, I can't rely on that.
Dear merciful GOD!

Ami: No offense to any believer, but I would not call God merciful if he allows Mastermind to make us read this.

"HALDIR!" I shrieked at the figure lurking behind the trees.
Oh, no… he didn't…

Sesshoumaru: He didn’t kill the Sue while Sue 2 was pouring out the drama. Alas.

"Amin Hiraetha." Said to Legolas.

All: What?!

"What did he say?" I asked.

Ace: I was wondering about that, too.

"He says that he is sorry. He did not mean to eavesdrop." Legolas translated.

Mia: But he still did, so too bad for you.

Shit. Sam's gonna kill me.

Branar: It’s about time.

Pippin

Ami: Where did he come from? No offense to the brave hobbit, but so far he’s been unimportant in this story, aside from being there to be hugged by the Sues. Why does he suddenly get a POV?

"Pippin?" came a voice from behind me. I turned around to see Natasha.
She's one of the girls who dropped down from the sky while we were still at the foot of Caradhras, and a few days from Hollin.

Ace: We know this already! POV-change does not justify bothering us with it again!

She's a bit more friendly and talkative than Sam.

Branar: *snorts* ORLY?!

"Yes?" I asked.
"Have you seen Sam?" she asked looking around.

Mia (as Pippin): Unfortunately, I did.

"No. Do you want me to go find her?" I answered.

Sesshoumaru: Why he would even offer this is beyond this Sesshoumaru.

"Oh, no. It's fine." She said, smiling at me. I shrugged and picked up an apple from the table. I'm going to go find her anyway; I need to exercise my legs.

Ace: Joy, Pippin has lost himself to the Sue’s spell, too.
Ami: I’m not surprised.


I climbed down the talan and began my search.
I found her near the river, hidden behind the bushes. Her back was to me and she was sitting on the ground.

Branar: …with a sword through her throat.
Ace: Stop the wishful thinking, Branar. It’ll only make you feel bad.


"Sam? Are you alright?" I asked,

All: Why would he even care?!

cautiously approaching her. Her black hair glinted in the gleam of the setting sun, and her shoulders heaved slightly.
She shot up, startled and turned towards me.
"Pippin? Is that you?

Sesshoumaru: It is not. It is OOC Pippin.

W-what are you doing here?" she asked shakily.
I walked towards her and sat down.
"Is anything wrong?" I asked.
"No." she answered shaking her head. "Everything's fine."
"We hobbits aren't as watchful as you think you know.

*All stare at the screen with disbelief.*
Ami: So, basically, he’s telling her that she thinks too highly of him? Oh dear, what is the world coming to?!


We can see a lot more than we let on."

Ace: You just contradicted yourself there.

I told her, splashing my feet in the cold water of the river.
"I didn't mean anything by what I said Pippin. I'm just going through a lot right now." She said apologetically.
Sam's a nice girl.

*All laugh.*

She's a bit on the quiet side though, but she speaks when spoken to.

Mia: Well, it would be rude if she didn’t.

"Perhaps I can be of help. I may be young but I'm not dim." I said jokingly.

Ami: Contrary to what all you Sues seem to think.

She didn't answer me and I thought that perhaps, I had said something out of turn.
"No offence pippin… but… I don't want to talk about my problem. It still hurts too much." She said sadly.
I stayed silent. She put her arm around me, an unspoken understanding passing between us.

All: huh?!

She would tell me when she was ready.
"Now, how about dinner?" she asked lightly, standing up.
"Wonderful. I'm starving." I said following her lead.
We went to the dining room, just as the bell sounded, and the feast was served.

Branar: Was there a dining room in Lothlorien?
Sesshoumaru: A feast? Whatever for?
Ace: To celebrate one of the Sues leaving, of course!


Sam
Well… it's finally come.

Mia: The apocalypse!

The day when Tasha and I have to part forever…

*All cheer.*

We've spent the last few days talking and bonding. She's taking a lot of my stuff back with her. Some of the poetry, and other stuff…

Ace: And stuff and things like that.

I've got a letter to my dad that she's going to give.
A few of my shorter skirts are hers now too.
"My ladies, the Lady awaits you." Said a blonde-haired elleth from the door.
Uhm… when did she knock?

Branar: While you were too busy ‘bonding’.

Jeez… I must've really tuned out.

Ami: As usual.

I stood up and followed Tasha out of the room.
When we reached the glade, Galadriel stood alone, in her immaculate white dress.
"Mae govannen ladies."

All: 0_o
Mia: She… She used real Sindarin!
Ami: Very basic Sindarin, though.


She greeted. "We must proceed at once. I trust that you have said all your goodbyes before hand?"

Sesshoumaru: Even Galadriel is in a hurry to get rid of one of these awful creatures.

We both nodded.
"Very well. Which one of you is to return?" she asked.
Tasha stepped forward.

*All gleefully wave goodbye.*

"Tash, wait.

Branar: No waiting! Away with you!

I have to give you one last thing." I said placing a hand on her shoulder.
"What is it Sam?" she asked turning to me, her eyes already glistening.
I handed her a one of my recorders.
She thanked me and gave me one last parting hug.

Ace: Yeah, yeah, hurry it up. I wanna get out of here.

I turned around and put a hand across my mouth to muffle my sobs. Tasha and I had had an agreement that, on the day of her departure, I could turn around. As in, I didn't have to see her as she left.
"Goodbye Sam. You'll always be my best friend." She called out just as the white light around her spread throughout the clearing.

Mia: One of the Sues is gone!
Ace: Yes!
Ami: *smiles* Absolutely wonderful!
Branar: It’s about time, too.
Sesshoumaru: Pity she wasn’t killed.


My body was racked with sobs as I turned around, expecting to see the spot beside Galadriel empty and bare.
My eyes grew wide as I saw a figure

*Everybody stops celebrating.*
Ami: Wait… What is going on here? I thought she had left!
Mia: Don’t tell me…
Ace: A replacement Sue?!
Branar: I knew it was too good to be true!
*Sesshoumaru merely bares his fangs and growls.*


with long brown hair streaked with pink, standing in the spot where my best friend used to be.
I squinted against the still bright light.
Shit.

Ace: My thoughts exactly.

I recognize that hair.
I recognize that 4 ft. 5 in. body.
I know who that is.

Mia: Well, I do not and I have no intention whatsoever to find out.
Ami: Unfortunately Mia, I think you will learn of her identity regardless.


My eyes grew, if possible, even wider as I realized who it was.
Oh shit.
Oh fuck.
Oh, holy hell

Branar: Hell can’t be holy. That’s an oxymoron and a contradiction right there.

HOLY HELL OF HELLS!

Branar: Oxymoron! No, wait, scratch that oxy. Jut plain MORON!

I can faint now…

Seshsoumaru: And die.

Any day now little white men…
Damn you!
You're angling for a pay raise aren't you?

Ace: Seriously, what in heaven’s name is this all about?

A/n: wooh… that was weird… dear merciful god on a stick! I reached twelve pages on word!

All: To our great regret!

(does a little jig) wooh-hoo! Uh-huh! I'm good! I'm good!

Ami: No, you really are not.

It's my birthday! It's my birthday! And my name is Mr.!

Mia: Really, what is she going on about?!

I AM NOT GAY!
Ok, that was random.

Branar: At least she admits it.

Anyways, please send me reviews!

Sesshoumaru: No.

Or else my ponkeys, and menguins

Ace: I see what you did there.

will attack the shitty fucks out of your asses until you cry.

Branar: Bring it on! A Skrall warrior never surrenders!

To find out more about the afore mentioned creatures, send me a review. Tank you.

Ami: What does a tank have to do with all of this?
Mia: I have absolutely no clue.


NOW CLICK ON THE GODDAMNED PURPLE BUTTON!

Sesshoumaru: No.

OOH… PURPLE…

Ace: OOH… RETARD!

OK… REVIEW RESPONSES:
Aisling Jace: heeerrreee yyyooouuu gooo….

Ami: Can you at least spell correctly, please?

CrecyL hope this is soon enuf!

Mia: I have no idea what enuf is.

Aya013: ooh… you're back! I likedy suspense! Don't you?

Sesshoumaru: No.

Animebishieluver: evil monkeys/ feeding my spleen to them? Muhahahahahahhahahahaahhahahh! I have evil menguins and ponkeys to protect me!

All: 0_o
Ace: No comment. Seriously, no comment.


Carolsi13: heehehhe…. Yeah… thankies!
Sugar-high pixie: yeah! I am all about the interesting! Heh!

Branar: She is kidding, I hope?

Spirit Mornea: heh… well.. nope! I had something different in mind… kudos for the idea though…
Uhmm… hi?

All: Hi! NOW DIE!

See ya in the next chappie!
Shadow08 c",)

Ami: It’s over!
Mia: Finally! This was by far the longest chapter yet!
Ace: And the worst, too. Man, even I am getting sick of this.
Branar: I’m going to rip this place apart until I find Mastermind, then beat him to a pulp so he stops making us read this.
Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru shall aid you.
Mastermind: That won’t be necessary. You see, I do have a heart. And I know this fic is terrible. So terrible, in fact, that it is too much for one team of readers. So, I’ve contacted my fellow sporkteam-hosts and asked them to send their teams over here to take over some of your load.
Mia: So… Others will take our place during some chapters? Like with “Last Hope”?
Mastermind: Indeed. Am I not nice?
Ace: On one condition.
Mastermind: And that would be?
Ace: That we get to see these other teams on the TV of the living room.
Mastermind: I do not mind granting this request.
Ace: Thanks. Now let’s get out of here.
*All exit.*



Review the story here.
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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Ariel
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A/n: hallooo! Ok, so before we begin, I'd just like to ask if anybody wanted one last drabble in Tasha's point of view in the next chappie,

All: No!
Harry: Why the hell would we want to know about the secret lives of Sues?


just to find out what it's like being back home without Sam and how everything else works out.

Ariel: Who the hell cares about either of them?
Elrond: So long as she doesn’t claim to be my daughter….


So, waddya think? Should I, or shouldn't I include it? Your call. Anyways, I shall not keep you from your ficcie! Here ya go, I own nothing except the OC's. thank you. Oh and the plot… basically sucks.

Drizzt: Good one.
Elrond: It seemed appropriate.


Chapter 8: Resonance…

Ariel: Doesn’t that refer to sound?
Ash: I’m pretty sure it does.
Harry: So they’ve formed a band?
All: Shit.


Sam

Ariel: Do you like green egg and ham?
Drizzt: Eww, wouldn’t that be moldy?


The brown haired girl turned to face me. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as one continuous phrase continued to run through my head.

Drizzt: I will not fall for the Sue.
Ariel: Sues are foes, not friends.
Harry: I’m a little teapot short and stout.
Elrond: There shall not be more than nine members in the fellowship.
Ash: I thought this was the Sue.


Fuck, fuckitty, fuckitty, fuck….

Ariel: You do know what that refers to, right?
Ash: It’s doubtful.


Please let it not be who I think it is… please god…

All: THE PPC!
Elrond: Me, in character.


The girl whirled around to face me. Every inch of her freckled face and cold blue eyes coming at me with a slap in the face.

Ariel: Who is this anyway?
Drizzt: Hell if I know.
Elrond: Sounds like Arwen, but she doesn’t have freckles.


God must really hate me…

Ash: What do you expect? You’re a Sue. Why would we like you?

"What are you doing here?" she asked me viciously.

Ariel: The question is, what are you doing here.

Woah there terminator. You don't own the place, and I refuse to answer any questions unless I have a lawyer or Vanyar present.

Elrond: Good luck finding one of those. They’re in Aman.

Oopsie… I have once again lost control of my vocal functions…

Ariel: She does that a lot. It’s a wonder she hasn’t been murdered by someone whom she has insulted.
Elrond: Makes you wonder what else she’s lost control of.


If this were anyone else but Carmi I'd be utterly embarrassed but since it is her, I don't give a shit.

Ash: Neither do we.

Ooh, I'm good! She can never win a verbal battle against MOI!

Ariel: No, but I could. I know bigger words than you.

She's a self-centered little twat!

Ash: So are you.
Ariel: I seriously dislike words like that. There’s cussing and than there’s insulting the female gender.


"Answer my question, Samantha Marie Richards!" she screamed fuming.

All: :blink:
Elrond: What was that about?


Uhmmm… how about no?

Ariel: So I was like yes, and then she was like no, so I was like screw you bitch.
Ash: Please don’t do that.


Gala? Now would be a good time to intervene, before I get a hold of a pointy object and use it to skin Carmi alive.
Galadriel cleared her throat. I knew her mind-reading powers could come in handy.

Ariel: What must Galadriel think of their language?
Harry: Even I’d clean it up a bit, and I almost never do that.
Elrond: She’s probably trying not to vomit at listening to the thoughts of a Sue.
Ariel: Which probably consist of ‘OMG IT’S INSERT LUST OBJECT!!!111!


"Who are you?" she asked turning to face the Lady of the Wood.

Ariel: Your mother.
Ash: Do you really want to wish this bitch on Galadriel?
Ariel: Would you want Galadriel for a mother?
Ash: Good point.
Elrond: I am most grateful that she lives many leagues from Rivendell. It is quite frightening having a mother-in-law who knows what you’d rather be doing instead of chatting up the in-laws.


Learn some manners you stupid cow.

All: Moo!

Gala threw me a reproachful look.

Elrond: I’d have killed her.
Ariel: She’d already be dead if this was you.


Whoopsie!

Ariel: (singing) Whoopsi daisy, call me crazy, whoopsi-daisy, come we gonna catch that!

"Mae govannen my lady. Welcome to the woods of Lothlorien, might I ask who you are?"

Ariel: Your worst nightmare.

I don't have to deal with this right now. It's too much.

Harry: I just hope she doesn’t start crying or something like that.

I turned around, took a deep breath and walked off. Making sure, that I walked erect and properly.

Ariel: I thought only men could get erect.
Rest: . . .


Once I was sure I was far away from the glade, I wrapped my arms around myself and succumbed to the tears.

All: :eyeroll:

I curled up underneath a large tree, my presence obscured by the bushes, only to be given away by the sobs I emitted.
Yup, I'm not going anywhere just yet.

Drizzt: Just as well. The PPC were detained by orc traffic.
Elrond: The beasts wanted sugar for cookies, whatever those are.


Legolas

Elrond: Out of character, I presume?

I walked around, searching quietly for Sam.

Harry: He was found in the pantry, eating.

Where is she?

Drizzt: hiding from you.

I walked over to a clump of trees and heard voices. A male and a female.

Harry: He’d found the PPC.
Ariel: It was Galadriel and Elrond discussing the best ways of killing a Sue.


"My lady? What is the matter? Why are you in tears?" a familiar voice asked.

Ariel: It was the ghost of Christmas past.

That voice… I know that voice… who is that?

Harry: Thranduil.

I took a peep around the tree, which secluded me from view, to see who these people were.
Haldir…Haldir and Sam…

Elrond: And so Haldir fell under the spell….

"I-I thought I could handle it. I didn't kn-know it w-would hurt so bloody badly. I al-already fucking miss her.

Harry: it’s what you get for running your big mouth.
Ariel: Why do I get the feeling we’re missing something ehre?


She's only been gone f-for t-ten bloody m-minutes and I already m-miss her.

All: :eyeroll:
Ariel: How did you survive before you knew her?


I f-feel so fucking helpless!

Drizzt: So the brains of the two has left?
Ash: Probably couldn’t stand the whiny bitch.


And I hate it! I can't stand feeling so helpless because I know that no matter how hard I try, no matter what, it won't change anything. It can't bring Tasha back.

Ariel: maybe she’s dead.
Ash: I doubt we’re that lucky.
Harry: I probably could, but I won’t.


It's so hard to embrace the fact that my best friend's gone, and I'm never ever going to see her again."

Ash: Poor baby. Imaging living ten thousand years without a best friend than you can bitch about it.

Sam sobbed, her voice filled with pain and loneliness.

Harry: Her voice was missing her best friend, the tongue.
Drizzt: She’d had pain and loneliness for dinner.


I climbed the branches as quietly as I could.

Ariel: Which alerted every elf within a ten-mile radius of your presence.
Elrond: He was much quieter than that in character.


Sam sat on the grass, hugging her knees to her chest sobbing uncontrollably.

Drizzt: But we’ve yet to figure out why.

Haldir sat beside her, an arm around her shoulders.
"Everything shall be well." Haldir murmured into her hair. "You shall be fine. I know you will."

Ariel: Especially after I rip out your spleen, eat your liver, and use your brain in a science experiment.
Ash: A science experiment? How, they don’t have brains.




Elrond: Beautiful little stars.

Sam's fallen asleep.

Drizzt: Quick, let’s kill her.

"You may reveal yourself, Legolas." Haldir called, standing over Sam's sleeping form.

Ariel: Told you.
Drizzt: Please don’t reveal yourself, nobody in here wants to see that.
Elrond: Why is the March-Warden saying that to the prince? It’s like he’s talking to a small child.


I dropped down from the tree with the grace only elves possess.

Drizzt: Some have it more than others.
Ariel: Yep, if he had true grace, Haldir never would’ve known he was there in the first place.


"What happened?" I asked leaning to brush Sam's dark locks from her pale face.

Ariel: She died?
Drizzt: She got locked into the void with Morgoth?
Ash: She got eaten by demons?
Harry: She ran afoul with a Fae, and not Jareth either. I mean a real Fae. The kind that don’t mind killing humans when it suits them.
Ariel: Jareth’s gonna kill you for that.
Harry: He’ll have to get in line.


"She has just lost her dearest friend.

Ariel: Sanity.
Drizzt: Logic.
Ash: Sue’s are not born with logic.
Drizzt: Good point.


Lady Natasha, she has gone back to her world. They're very close it seems.

Ariel: Are they gay?
Ash: God I hope not.
Drizzt: Maybe they have the whole soul-mingling thing going on.
Harry: Maybe they’re soul-sisters or some shit like that.


Like sisters.

Harry: See? What’d I tell you?

I can only imagine what loneliness she feels right now."

Ariel: She’s a Sue, she’s got a bleedin’ harem. She ain’t lonely.
Drizzt: Where are the quotations?
Harry: They fled this fiction. Smart punctuation, those quotations.


I nodded solemnly, stroking Sam's pale cheek.

All: Pervert.
Ariel: Wow, this sounds like a cheesy romance novel, the one’s where the ‘heroine’ is held captive.


Why is it, that I always seem to have you on my mind?

Drizzt: Cause you’re a pervert?
Ariel: She’s on your mind? But that would imply your mind has a physical form.


That I always seem so restless when I can't see you?

Harry: He fears for his sanity, logic, and free will when she’s not around.
Ariel: She’s probably got a spell on him regardless of whether he can see her or not. He’s just worried what she’s up to when he can’t see her.


I fear for your safety and long to make your life as happy as possible.

All: *snort*
Ariel: In this case, she’d be better off dead.


Is it brotherly affection perhaps?

Drizzt: It’s her spell. You’re doomed.

"Confused, Legolas?" Haldir asked, suddenly interrupting my thoughts.

Ariel: Of course he is, so are you.

"Mani?" I asked, lapsing into elvish.

Elrond: What did he just say? Cause it was not any elvish I know.

He laughed and gently stroked Sam's hair.
I frowned in confusion.
"Will you carry her back to the talans or shall I?"

Ariel: Leave her there. Maybe the goblins will find her.

he asked me, a mischievous glint evident in his eyes.

Elrond: That glint was probably hurting his eyes.
Ariel: So that’s where Dumbledore’s twinkle went.
Ash: I thought it was a glint.
Ariel: Glint, twinkle same differnce.


"I will do it." I answer willingly.

Ariel: Or maybe the Sue was holding Thranduil hostage.
Elrond: If she were, I doubt she’d be worrying about Legolas.


He nods and smiles.
"I must go now. Tenna 'ento lye omenta."

Ariel: Oh look, a made up language.

He said, bowing his head and stepping out of the clearing.

Drizzt: The meeting was over, the Order had disbanded for the century.

I shook my head and let out a weary sigh. Haldir and his stupid mind games.

Ariel: I thought Galadriel was the one with the mind games.
Elrond: As did I.


I picked Sam's sleeping form from the ground and brought her back to the talan.

Harry: Where she was handed over to Galadriel and Elrond.
Elrond: Mwahahahahahaha.
Ariel: Wow, that could compete with the Joker’s laugh.


Her clothes were already stained by dirt, from sleeping on the ground.

Ariel: Along with grass and mud.
Ash: You forgot shit.
Ariel: Right. She fell asleep in the elven dumping ground.
Elrond . . .


I think, jeans are what Tasha called it.
I set her down on the bed, and brushed her hair away from her face.
I sat down, closing my eyes to think.

Elrond: Thranduil, wherever you are, you’re son is an idiot. He can’t think unless he can’t see.
Ariel: No wonder he had all the blond moments during the trilogy. ‘They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard’ no shit Sherlock.


When it comes right down to it, what do I even feel about this girl?

Ariel: Hatred?
Ash: Annoyance?
Drizzt: Irritation?
Elrond: Loathing?


Sam

Ohh, where am I?

Ariel: Hell?
Drizzt: Demonweb Pits?
Harry: Anywhere with Nicodemus?
Elrond: My dungeon?
Ash: You have a dungeon?
Elrond: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Ariel: Can I see it?


Why is it so dark?

Elrond: Cause I gouged your eyes out.

Oh, silly me I forgot to open my eyes.

All: . . .
Ariel: Remember what was said about her having control of various bodily functions?
Rest: Yes.
Ariel: I wonder if she still shits while she’s asleep.
Rest: *snort*


Dearie me, I have some serious issues.

All: Yes. You do.

I opened my eyes a crack and peered at my surroundings.

Ariel: She found herself chained to a wall with various implements of torture.
Elrond: And me. Oh yeah, and Galadriel too.


Hmm… what am I doing in a talan? I fully recall falling asleep in tears in a very muddy and leafy environment next to Haldir who looked very stoic.

Ariel: Well, it’s like this, you fell asleep and Haldir took advantage of you while you were asleep.
Elrond: I daresay she would’ve woke during that.
Ariel: She’s a Sue. They’ll sleep through the end of the world.


But hey, that's just me. And therefore, leads me back to the question of: HOW IN BLOODY HELL DID I GET HERE?

Ariel: You’re in Haldir’s talan. I’d give money to wake up there.
Rest: . . .
Elrond: I’ll be sure and tell him you said that.
Ariel: :D


I sat up, pissed that no one had even bothered to answer the questions in my brain.

Ariel: How would they, you didn’t speak them aloud.
Harry: Well there is the matter of Galadriel.
Elrond: As if she would read a Sue’s mind.


HMPH!

Ariel: HMPH yourself.

I examined my surroundings more closely and was surprised to see Legolas sitting in a chair beside the window.

Ariel: Damn. It’s only Legolas.
Harry: So Legolas is a molester now?
Elrond: Apparently.


Sigh…
He looked immaculate. His face was buried in his hands and the slowly setting sun cast it's golden rays to frame his muscular built

Ariel: *snort* What muscular build?
Elrond: Ariel, he’s been around close to six thousand years. Yes, he has muscles.
Ariel: I still prefer Haldir over Legolas, but I’d take Thranduil or Glorfindel too.
Elrond: :eyeroll:


and to play softly at his golden hair.
Somebody move that bucket of drool please…

Elrond: *sickened* Elves do not drool!
Ariel: I think she’s referring to herself. Legolas is not droolworthy. I don’t care what people say.


ACK! I have said this before and I shall say it again! Knees, I command you to stay solid!

Elrond: Difficult since I’d gotten my hands on the new liquefying phaser gun.

Damn you stupid little men in white!

All: :blink:
Ariel: Did that make sense to you?
Harry: Nope.


I already gave you a raise last month!
Oh well, it's a hopeless case really…

Ariel: Ummm, is she an escapee of an asylum?
Elrond: Apparently.


I pulled my knees closer to me and softly said, "Penny for your thoughts…"

Ash: I thought he was asleep.

He looked up, his azure

Ariel: Here we go.
Elrond: Why not just say blue?


eyes making me want to melt. But no, I am not dripping at all!

Elrond: Clearly my phaser gun is not set on a high enough level. Time to up the beam!

He smiled at me and pulled his chair closer. Uhmm… yikes?

Ariel: Molester!Legolas is back.

"Lle tyava quel?" he asked me in elvish.

Elrond: That is not Elvish.

Or at least it sounded like a question… oh poopie…

Elrond: Excuse me? What does your bodily functions have to do with this?
Ariel: Loss of control. Duh.


"Huh?" I squeaked confused.
"Oh, do you feel well?" he translated.

Ariel: besides the fact that her knees have been melted. . .

I nodded. "Yes, of course, why wouldn't I be?"
He shrugged.
Oooh, I didn't know elves shrugged!

Ariel: Why wouldn’t they?

Ok, yeah I am absolutely bloody barmy!

All: Agreed!

Moving on…
"What happened?" he asked.
I frowned. What happened where? What's he talking about?

Ariel: She doesn’t remember him molesting her?

Oh… oh-oh-oh… I get it… he knows…
Damn you Haldir!

Ariel: They both?
Harry: What a slut.


I didn't tell anyone in the fellowship except for the hobbits, because I didn't want them asking these questions.
"Haldir told you didn't he?" I asked not looking at him.
"No. Lady Natasha did." He stated calmly.
"Oh." Oopsie?

Ariel: Oh brother. So quick to distrust others.

"Will you not answer me?" he asked after a long while of silence.
"I…" oh shit… I'm gonna start crying again aren't I? NO. I refuse to let him see me like that.

All: Too late!

"I miss her."
He stares at me with those blue eyes so filled with genuine concern, that I feel the waterworks begin to flow. I am such a sap.

Elrond: No you’re a whiny teenager who seriously needs her backside blistered.
Ariel: . . .


And I need to get a brand new crew of little men,

All: :blink:

"She hasn't been gone for very long but I already miss her. And I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless.

Ariel: I figured it out!
Ash: What?
Ariel: She has multiple personality disorder. One of them packed her bags and left!


I want to scream and scream until my throat is raw and bloody.

Harry: Anybody know the number to Arkham Asylum? I’m sure we can get her a padded room next to the Joker.

I miss my world. All the little things, like the gadgetry and the food and sometimes even the noise. But most of all, I miss my dad."

Ariel: Hun, did you know I’m doing good to see my dad once a month? What the hell are you whining about?

He put an arm around me as I gulped down a fresh batch of tears.

Drizzt: he was forcing them down her throat.

"And of course, everything wouldn't be complete without the cherry on top of the cake."

All: :huh:

I said smiling bitterly. "The last person in the world I would want to see right now just arrived by mail-order."

Drizzt: How do you get mail order from Earth to Middle Earth?
Ariel: The same way you get mail from us to the Underground.


He stared at me his blue eyes filled with the utmost confusion.

Harry: He was trying to fight the spell and was actually succeeding.

"Carmi. My absolute worst enemy, just came in place of Tasha to bite me in the ass."

Ariel: Yippee! Another Sue to combat the Sue!
Ash: Revenge of the Sue.
Drizzt: War of the Sues.
Harry: Chronicles of the Sue.


Legolas winced at my words and I sighed, lowering my head.
Suddenly, Legolas pulled me closer.

Ariel: And stabbed her with a dagger.
Ash: Yeah, like that’ll ever happen.


Hmm… he smells good.
Ok, bad thoughts!

Ariel: (master) Bad thoughts! Heel, don’t ever do that again.

"Rest." He whispered in my ear. "All shall be well, I promise."
I buried my head in his chest, not really sure if I believed him. But what the hey.

Ariel: yeah, whatever.

I closed my eyes, allowing the darkness to comfortable settle in.
Aragorn

Elrond: Also not in character, I am willing to bet.

"Vedui, Legolas." I greeted my friend, who was sitting beside Sam's sleeping form.

Ariel: (Aragorn) Stop being a pervert.
Ash: (Aragorn) Kill her while she sleeps.
Drizzt: (Aragorn) I commend you for being brave enough to draw a mustache on her with a sharpie.
Elrond: I would be will to let Aragorn marry my daughter if he would KILL THE SUE!


"Vedui." He answered, not tearing his eyes from the maiden in front of him.

Harry: He had to wait till the glue dried before he tried tearing them away.

"We must be leaving soon, we cannot tarry." I said, pulling up a chair.

Drizzt: yet you are sitting there.

Legolas nodded his head in agreement. I closed my eyes and leaned back in my seat. I have known Legolas for a long time,

Ariel: I was under the impression that they had not met until the Council of Elrond.

and during that time he has been with many different elleths.

Elrond: I wonder if Thranduil knows that his son has a harem of wives.

But none of them were able to kindle that spark in his eye.

Elrond: *says* Elves do not have meaningless sex.

But Sam has done so, and my dear friend may not realize it yet, but he is in love.

Ariel: With himself.

I think he is still on the stage of trying to sort it all out.

Drizzt: He was sorting his clean clothes from his dirty ones.

I do not doubt that he will, but I do doubt that he will tell her. My heart tells me that he my be afraid of falling in love with a mortal woman.

Elrond: Does nobody remember the tale of Beren and Lúthien?
Ariel: I do!


Arwen…
Amin mela lle… but it cannot be so. Arda is no longer safe.

Drizzt: But we already knew that.

Our love was but a dream, nothing more. It would be better if she sailed off to the Undying Lands, with nothing but the memory of our love.

Ariel: oh brother. This is why Lúthien was much more awesome than Arwen. She was willing to actually do something about the threat.
Elrond: You do realize that you are comparing my daughter to my great-grandmother, right?
Ariel: Yep.


"You are thinking of her, are you not?"

All: No!
Ariel: He’s under her spell. He is not thinking at all.


Legolas asked suddenly. I opened my eyes to look at him, he still had not torn his gaze from Sam's face.

All: Oh.

"Yes. As surely as you are thinking of her." I said mischievously.
"Who?" he asked confused. I laughed and quirked my head towards the direction of the sleeping Sam. His eyes went wide and he shook his head vehemently.

Ariel: Methinks he doth protest too much.

"Nay, I do not see her in that way." He said blushing.

Elrond: Good. What would your father say about you thinking such thoughts about a Sue?

I shook my head, I do not believe it is so. I clapped him on the shoulder and stood it up. I have many counters to the statement he has just uttered. But I believe I shall keep it to myself. He shall figure it out soon enough.

Harry: He’ll figure it out when she dies by Elrond’s hand.

Sam

I am gonna KILL Galadriel.

Elrond: Good luck.

The bloody woman, elleth, thing has gone absolutely bloody barmy.

Ariel: This is new how?

Not only did she send her ladies to wake me up BEFORE 12 on a fecking weekend, she also put me in a bloody dress!

Elrond: You are in my world, you will abide by our customs. Do you think I would enter your world dressed in my robes and refuse to wear anything but?
Ariel: Impolite bitch.


I effing hate dresses!

Ariel: GET OVER IT! YOU ARE IN MIDDLE EARTH! THEY WEAR DRESSES! GET USED TO IT BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU ARE THERE YOU WILL WEAR ONE!
Elrond: *rubs ears* What she said.


I stay as far away from skirts as humanly possible.

Ariel: *opens mouth*
Elrond: We get the point.


And just when I was thinking I had escaped dresses altogether she forces it on me.

Ariel: *opens mouth again*
Elrond: Ariel, don’t start.


Bleeding hell!

Drizzt: Hell can bleed? Does this mean I can kill it?

Yes, I have now come to the conclusion that Galadriel is as vindictive as my mother is when it comes to thinking up insane ways to force me to become… gulp… dare I say it? Feminine…

Ariel: You are in a medieval society. Believe me, you do not want to stick out in that way.

Sucks to be me don't it?

Ariel: Not really. I’d love to be in your shoes.
Elrond: Really?
Ariel: No.


And oh yeah there's also the business of Carmi to attend to… she's a bloody sodding cow if you ask my opinion.

Harry: Nobody asked.

But hey, as long as she stays here I'll be fine.
But no, of course, this is me we're talking about. The forces of the universe never contend with my will. Something about being destined to become an earwig or a cockroach sometime in my next life…

Ash: She’s a Buddhist?
Ariel: You’d think she’d make an effort to be more polite if she were.


Anyway, Carmi will always have to be a bloody massive thorn in my side won't she?

All: *cheers*

I hate my life…

Harry: Suicide is always an option.

Yes, I am currently holed up in some random room… probably a male's considering the fact that there is armor and weapons in here…

Elrond: More than likely.

Whatever…
I'm hiding from Gala's ladies.

Ariel: *seethes*
Elrond: *seethes*


They want to dress me up… which I responded to by running as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

Ariel: Only to realize she’d been surrounded - by PPC. Who wanted to make a dress out of her skin.

I can vaguely recall another time with Tasha wherein I did a similar thing… though I can't really remember when...
Oh I get it!

Elrond: She finally remembered that she is in Middle Earth?

That was before Spring Fling! I hated that night… worst night of my life possibly…

Ariel: Well, the night wasn’t so bad. It was who she woke up next to the morning after.

But whatever, I have to cop it… someone is coming in…

Elrond: That would be Galadriel and I.
Ariel: Wearing the black leather?
Elrond: No!


"Sam?" a voice asked. I turned around to see the owner of the room. Ooh, no wonder there were weapons, this is Aragorn's room.

Harry: Oh, so she is a slut.
Ariel: Of course. Now that she has Legolas, she needs Aragorn in her harem.


"Er… hi?" I said raising a hand and smiling innocently.
Yup that's a great tip… always play innocent.

Ariel: Works for me.

"What are you doing here?" he asked looking at me like I've sprouted another head. I resisted the urge to feel my neck, just to check.

All: Huh?

What does it look like I'm doing Einstein?

Harry: Aragorn is no Einstein.

Of course, I can tell that he's probably thinking that I'm some deranged psychopathic maniac because I was staring at the pointy objects on one of the tables when he came in… what?

Harry: She’s contemplating suicide?
Ariel: Unfortunately, no.


They were pretty and shiny…

All: *facepalm*

oh, and that fact that I look like I just escaped from the psycho ward probably doesn't help any either…

Ariel: Arkham Asylum is missing their top-security patient. Believes she’s in Arda.

I walked over to close the door, which he had left open.
"Shh…" I hissed. "I'm hiding."
He raised an eyebrow. "From whom?"

All: THE PPC!
Ariel: Not that it’ll do much good.


From the Easter bunny, who do you think?

Ariel: I don’t blame her. I’d hide from the Easter Bunny too.

"From Galadriel's Ladies."
"why?" he asked amused.
"Because they have it in for me."

Ariel: What do you expect? You’re a Sue. They feel threatened.

He laughed at me and lay down on the bed. "Ah, That would explain the elleths wandering about. They are searching high and low for you."

Elrond: And not doing a very good job. Arwen’s going to have a field day when I tell her Aragorn’s alone with a Sue.

I made a swishy hand gesture. "Let them boil their heads. I am not going anywhere with them. I refuse to be turned into a," I made a quotation mark hand gesture. " 'lady' "

Ariel: YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU’RE IN ARDA! YOU MUST WHERE A DRESS, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!

He was laughing with amusement at my sordid views, sod him.

Harry: He thought she was an idiot for not wanting to dress like a female.

I looked at him and paused, hmm.. something's different.

Harry: he’s not under her spell!
All: *cheers*


I jumped onto the bed and examined his hair.

Ariel: (Legolas) Why do you have red dye in your hair?
Drizzt: (Aragorn) No reason at all!
Ash: *mimes pulling wig off*


"Did you bathe?" I asked surprised.

Ariel: *sarcastically* No. He didn’t.
Elrond: The only reason he looks like he hasn’t bathed in a few centuries is because bath houses are not easy to come by on the road.


He blinked at me. "Yes Sam, I did."

Ariel: he probably thougt she was an idiot.
Ash: He already thought that, remember?


Wow, look at him… he's actually a man… the hair that usually didn't even move due to the dirt and grime is now all clean and shiny…

Ariel: Of course, he bathed. Why wouldn’t he?

It's beautiful. They actually became human beings.

Elrond: his hair has humans in it? Aragorn, what on earth have you been doing?

….
CRAP! They've found me!

All: YES! The PPC have arrived!

"Lady Samantha!" screamed about five elleths, throwing the door open.

Elrond: Why would they go in an unmarried man’s room without permission? That is just rude, not to mention an invasion of privacy.
Ariel: What if Arwen had snuck along and *cowers under Elrond’s wrathful glare*


Shit…
"Uhmm… hi?" I said looking around for an escape route.

Ariel: Lots of pointy objects, commit suicide. We promise not to put your corpse in a dress.

Too late…
"Aragorn!" I squeaked. He merely shrugged and laughed at my god- awful predicament.

All: *laugh*
Ariel: He’s fighting it!


TRAITOR!

All: *cackle*

….
I hate my life.

Elrond: I’d be happy to assist you to the afterlife.

Everyone would do well to stay out of my way.

Ariel: Bring it, bitch.

WARNING: Sam is not a happy chappy,

All: :blink:

stay out of her way if you want to keep your guts and bowels in their rightful place.

Ariel: And I repeat, bring it bitch.

Yep, that'd do.
Why did Gala have to have a ball now of all times anyway?

Elrond: Good question. Did she forget that the world is in danger?
Ariel: She made a deal with Sauron. If he killed the Sue, she’d give him the ring.


That woman is absolutely troppo I tell you.

All: Huh?

I sat down under a tree stump as the people around me enjoyed the festivities.

Harry: Completely forgetting about the fact that there’s a ring that needs to be destroyed.

If I didn't know Gala would kill me I would have pulled up the damn skirt and tramped around in mud just for the hell of it.

All: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

Hey, I've done it to my mom… she wasn't too happy about that let me tell you.

Harry: With a nasty little bitch like you for a daughter, II wouldn’t be very happy either. I’d have busted your butt until it was rainbow colored for the attitude along!

Luckily none of the people have seen me yet… I'm considering hiding out here for the remainder of the ball…
"Samantha," called a voice from around my tree stump.
SHIT!

All: *cackles*
Ariel: I hate parties.


"Uhmm… err… hiya…" I said standing up.
"What are you doing back there?" Pippin asked walking up to me.
"Uhmm… hiding?" I asked as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Elrond: From me.

"And why, may I ask would you be hiding?" he asked eyebrows raised, and arms folded across his chest.
If he didn't look so damn cute and huggable, I would have smacked him one across the head.

Drizzt: Why? He’s older than you are.

Stupid sodding hobbits and their stupid sodding huggability!

Elrond: *glares* They are a nuisance and most certainly not huggable!
Ariel: of course you’d think that. You’re a grumpy ‘ol elf.


"Shh, be quiet." I said pulling him down next to me. " I hate these stuffy balls. They're the Old World equivalent of the parties my Mother throws back home.

Ariel: Sounds fun. Not.

Believe me when I say that you'd be bored to tears."
"Ah, but you've never been to an Elves' ball have you?" he asked me.

Elrond: No I have not. Where can I find one?

I shook my head. I'm gonna lose this argument aren't I?
"I give up Pip." I said sighing heavily. Pippin looked at me confused. This time I did smack him upside the head.
"What was that for?" he asked rubbing the spot, and looking at me angrily.

Harry: Yes!

"For being so damn cute and huggable." I told him standing up. He looked at me like I was crazy, but I shrugged it off. Hey, I am crazy so there's no harm done.
I stood up and brushed the grass off of my skirt.
Luckily, my dress is still relatively acceptable for me. It's a black dress, thank heavens.

Elrond: In what universe is black acceptable at a party?

With long sleeves that flared out at the ends. Yeah let's get this over with.
Gimli, Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas will never let me live this down.
Sod it!

Ariel: *yawns* Wake me when the ball is over willya?

"By the Valar, she looks like a Lady!" I hear a voice say from behind me.
I turn around and see Haldir grinning at me.

Ariel: *drools*

I glared darkly at him and muttered, "Piss off Hal."

Elrond: How rude!

"Peace Sam," he said grinning at me.
"You be fucking peaceful!" I said annoyed. His grin became broader and he pulled me towards him.

Harry: Is that any way of speaking to an elf who could hand you your ass on a silver platter?

"You look lovely little one, just lovely." He whispered in my ear.
I sodding hate elves! Ugh!

Ariel: Goody, leaves them all for me.
Elrond: *edges away from Ariel*
Ariel: You’re safe because you’re married, unfortunately.


Legolas

Elrond: Still out of character, I fear.

I walked around the elves gathered around the glade. Everyone was still mingling, waiting for the Lord and Lady to appear. I scanned the crowd looking for my friends.

Ariel: They were discussing her imminent demise.

I saw Aragorn and Boromir off to the side, wine goblets in hand, drinking merrily.
The hobbits were seated around a table, flagons in front of them.

Elrond: Singing, I have little doubt.

Ah, and there is my dwarven companion, off to join the little ones in their drinking escapade.
But where is Sam?

harry: At the buffet of course!

My eyes searched for the glint if raven hair amongst the crowd.
Where is she?

Ariel: Hiding. From Elrond.

Has something happened to her?
I have not seen her since this morning. I walked over to Aragorn and Boromir to engage in a bit of conversation and to perhaps find the whereabouts of our fair female friend.

Elrond: (Boromir) I accidentally killed her when I was teaching her to spar.
Drizzt: (Aragorn) She commited suicide when Lady Galadriel ordered her clothed in a gown.


"Mae govannen." I greeted. They nodded their heads in answer.
"Have you seen my sister?" Boromir asked looking around.

All: :blink:
Elrond: Since when does Boromir have a sister?


"Nay, neither head nor tail of her." I answered shaking my head.
He looked around trying to catch a glimpse of Samantha.
"Ah, there she is!" he said exuberantly.

Harry: Or more accurately, what was left of her.

Aragorn and I both turned to the direction Boromir was pointing at and indeed there was Sam.
She was sitting with Haldir and the hobbits.

Ariel: They were playing Lord of the Rings Monopoly.
Elrond: They were playing Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit.
Harry: They were playing Go Fish.
Ash: They were playing poker.


It seems she has been spending a great deal of time with the March warden.
"Come Legolas," Aragorn said gesturing to the direction of the hobbits. " Let us join them."

Drizzt: (Aragorn) And then we shall make our final move to end her reign of tyranny.

Sam

Hal and I sat down on the table with the hobbits and Gimli.
"Merry, Gimli if you do not stop staring at me right now, I will crack your bloody skulls open using my tankard." I threatened grasping said item tightly.

Elrond: Good luck. It would take more than a tankard to crack the skull of a dwarf.

That got 'em.
Assholes.

Ariel: Yes, everybody’s got one. What about ‘em?

"Sorry Samantha it's just… we're not used to it."
"Yeah? Join the club." I said annoyed.

Ash: We’d rather not. We’d rather kill you.

If Gala doesn't show up soon, I will hightail it back up to my room and cop it.

Ariel: Cop what?
Drizzt: Do you really want to know?


"Peace Master Meriadoc." Haldir said holding up a hand. "Our female friend here is just going through a difficult time."
I snorted into my tankard. Well wasn't that just the biggest euphemism ever?

Ariel: What is it a euphemism of?
Harry: Perhaps the author is using big words she doesn’t understand.


"Difficult time Hal? I'm pissed is what I am! If I honestly hear another crack at the way I'm sodding dressed to tonight, I will no longer be held responsible for my actions!" I said glaring at all the men at the table.

Elrond: Ooh, we’re so scared. Not.

"Would you like a bit of cake Sam?" Pippin asked me, those big blue eyes wide and a smile on his face.

Ariel: They had cake in Middle earth?

"Ohh, yes please!" I said clapping my hands gaily. The stinking hobbit

Elrond: I beg your pardon? They were more cleanly than you, I have little doubt!

knew right where my soft spot was and he was playing to it.
Smart hobbit.
Pippin went off to get me a spot of cake and we were all left to our own devices.

Ariel: Only to find out that Arda has no electricity or cell phone towers.

By that I mean the other three started drinking with Gimli and Hal remained as stoic as ever.
Sodding bloody march warden. Thinks the whole bloody world is one sick joke and it's at everybody's expense but his. Either that or he just doesn't give a shit. Or maybe he does and just has his own way of showing it.
Psycho.

Harry: Pot, kettle calling.

Yeah, I told you, I have issues.
"Ah, you're brother is here." Haldir told me.
Ah shit, I'm dead.
"Sam, there you are!" Boromir greeted. Turns out he's dragged traitor beard and old twinkle toes over here as well.

Elrond: You’d better not be referring to who I think you are.

Yes, by that I mean Aragorn and Legolas.

Elrond: Let me at her! *tries to kill the screen*
Ariel: Don’t think that’ll work.


Bollocks!
"Sweet Eru, is that you dear sister?" Boromir teased.

Ariel: No, you have no sister.

"Aye, turns out there was a lady in there eh, laddie?" Gimli added, eyes twinkling.

Ariel: No that was uncalled for!

"Aye master dwarf, it would seem so." Aragorn said joining in.
I rolled my eyes and stood up.
"Peace Sam, they are only teasing." Legolas said putting a hand on my shoulder and smiling.

Ariel: not bloody likely! They meant every word they said!

"Got another crack about my dress twinkle toes?" I said sitting back down.
"Twinkle toes?" he repeated.

Ariel: *giggles*
Drizzt: Sounds almost like my scimitar. Although I assure you, Twinkle is much deadlier than this moron posing as an elf.


"Ah, never mind. Just sit down, shut up and be merry. And if I hear another comment about me being dressed like this, I'll personally ensure that you can no longer reproduce in the future. Capiche?" I threatened looking around the table.

All the men: *cross legs*
Ariel: *snickers*


They all nodded, not doubting my skills when pissed.
Arsewipes.

Harry: more commonly called toilet paper.

"Mae govannen." Celeborn greeted. "I take it you are enjoying yourselves?"
We all stood up and bowed to the elf lord.

Drizzt: But nobody pays homage to the prince. Interesting.

"We are my lord." Frodo answered. "Thank you."
Uhmm… I'm just curious… but when did they get here?
"Ah, Sam." He said turning to me. "Walk with me, if you please, I wish to speak with you."

Ariel: It’ll end in tears I just know it will.
Elrond: Yes, when I rip her spleen out through her nose.


Ah, feck. What kind of trouble did I land myself in now?
I stood up and smoothed the skirt of my dress.
The stately elf lord led the way to a place away from all the people and noise.

Ash: Isn’t this the least bit suspicious?

I stayed a good five steps away from him.
Hey, you can't blame me. What would you do if a big studly elf lord seeks you out to talk?

Ariel: I’d hardly call Celeborn studly.

And yes, before you ask, Celeborn is studly.

Ariel: Ummmm, no.

Moving on…
"So my dear, enjoying the ball?' he asked me.
"Uh… of course. It's wonderful." I said trying hard not to stutter.

Elrond: Galadriel will kill her if she tries anything.
Rest: *laughs*


He laughed at me discomfort.
"Peace child." He said holding up his hands. "I was merely teasing."
Ok, what is it with elves tonight?

Ariel: *stares open-mouthed* Elves? Tease? In the movies? Not bleedin’ likely!

It's either their teasing you or confusing you.
Why can't they just make up their minds and be either as silly and light-hearted as a hobbit or be as cryptic as hell just like elves are supposed to be?

Ariel: The elves were not cryptic! Good god, Legolas’ dad was a well-known wino! They were merry, and drinking, and singing!

"About the girl," he continued sitting down on a chair.
I looked around and saw to my surprise that we were in Galadriel's glade again.
"What about her My Lord?" I asked politely.

Elrond: Notice how she capitalizes ‘my lord’.

"She will have to accompany you." He told me gently as if he wanted to stop her but couldn't.
I sighed. I told you she's always gonna be a thorn in my side.
Bloody fucking Carmi.

Ariel: *deadpan* Yippee. Another Sue to read about.

"If she has expressed the desire to help with this quest, then she may. But it is not for me to decide. I do not hold sway over the Fellowship's decisions. As even my own path is unclear." I said bowing.
Which is true. I have no idea what I'm gonna do now. I doubt that Boromir will even let me go any further.

All: *cheer*

I mean, when you come to think of it, the only reason Tasha and I are here in Lothlorien is because Gandalf thought Galadriel might know why we fell from the damn bloody sky.
I don't know… I have to go to Amon Hen though…

Ariel: Don’t you dare. . .
Elrond: There is a reason that he died.


And if I die then I die. Shit, I have to think this over.
"She's afraid of you isn't she?" I asked him smiling.
He smiled back. "More of my wife it seems. But The Lady is not the only power in these woods, as some may think."

Ariel: *sighs* Yes she was.

Amen to that brotha!

Ariel: Great, now we have Gangsta!Sue.

"You must be careful of her little one. She is not one of the kinder folk that you shall meet in this quest." He told me gravely.
"I know." I said, nodding. "But I have a few tricks up my sleeve. And besides, I can protect myself."

Ariel: Right.

He nodded and put an arm around my shoulders in an almost father-like fashion.
I stayed silent as we walked back to the ball, fighting the tears that now obscured my vision.

Elrond: What’s she crying about now?

My father always used to put his arm around me whenever we were together. Whether it be to comfort me, to protect me, or just a normal sign of affection… that's what he always did.
I miss my daddy.

Ariel: Oh cry me a river.
Ash: I never met my father. Mother murdered him after I died.
Elrond: You died?
Ash: Mystery of my life considering that the only weapon that could kill me wasn’t involved in any way.


I parted ways with the elf lord making sure to keep my head bowed so as not to show him my tears.
I slowly made my way to an empty table in a corner so I could mope my way to the end of next year.

Harry: Is it possible to cry yourself to death?

I couldn't leave yet so… this'll do.
I know, I know, I'm so pathetic. But I really really miss my father. I've always been Daddy's little girl so you can just imagine what I'm going through right now.

Ariel: That explains a lot.

"Sam?" a voice said.
I know that voice.
Fuck, that isn't Pippin. Ok Sam, whatever you do, do not look up.
Don't look up, don't look up, don't look up.
Ah feck, I looked up.

Ariel: Oh shut up, will you!

"What is the matter?" Legolas asked siting down next to me concern dripping from his voice.
"It's nothing Legolas. I'm fine." I answer attempting hide my tears.

Ariel: *gleefully* Too late!

"No, you are not." He said firmly tilting my face towards his. He looked into my eyes, with the look.

Ariel: Oh great, now they’re going to have sex.

Yeah you know, the one that makes you feel like Plexiglas.

Elrond: Uh, no actually I don’t.

That one.
"What is the matter?" he asked.
"It's nothing." I said giving him a smile. He didn't quite believe me by the look on his face. "really." I added.
"I do not believe it is nothing." He answered. "Sam, you can tell me anything. I will not judge you."

Ariel: I would.

Aww shit, he sounds hurt…

Drizzt: Typical Sue.

"It really isn't anything at all. I just remembered something." I said squeezing his hand.
He didn't look convinced but he nodded his head a few minutes later.
"Dance with me?" he said after a while, pulling me up from my chair towards the dance floor.

Ariel: I want to see him make an idiot of her.

"I- I can't dance." I said turning a lovely shade of red.
"Nonsense!" he said laughing. The band struck up a tune and he pulled me towards him.

Elrond: . . . What band? We don’t have bands.

I kept my head down as we slowly moved to the slow music.
He pulled me closer and whispered, " Lle naa vanima…"

Ariel: Whatever the hell that means.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I whisper back.
"In good time my lady, in good time…" he answers smiling at me.
Bloody Jackass.

Ariel: I hate cryptic people.

Be cryptic on the dance floor by yourself.
Oops… my mouth once again disobeys me and has blurted out that last statement.
Piss off twinkle toes.

Ariel: This bitch is terribly rude. If I were a friend of ehrs, I would kill her by now.

I'm not in the mood to be boggled

Ash: Now she’s just throwing in random words.

right now.
And with those last few lines said to his face, I walked off leaving one shocked, confused and surprised Elf prince gaping at me.

Ariel: Stupid bitch.
Elrond: On to the pretentious author notes.


A/n:
Well… hope you enjoyed that…

All: No.

I'd like to say that I am truly sorry for not updating in so long.

Ariel: Better yet, stop updating at all.

But I have a life outside of though it is rather sucky,

Ariel: I daresay mine’s worse than yours.

so bear with me. Sorry if trying to live gets in the way of your story time… heh, anyways onto:
REVIEW RESPONSES! Yay!

All: *groans*
Elrond: Will this never end?


Aya013: muahahahahhahaha! Your own army eh? I have faith in my hybrids! They shall not forsake me! What's your army btw?

All: :blink: :huh: What the hell?

Crecy: uhhmmm… sorry for not updating sooner! Please don't kill me!

All: KILL HER!

Animebishieluver: yoh! Fun? Oh thankies! Yeah, sure whatever… sorry it took so long..

Ariel: Not a clue what that meant.

Pop-tarts: here ya go!
Carolsi13: glad to know the sugar high was liked… should I insert more in the future chappies?

All: NO!

ArwenEvenstar83: ooh… another Samantha! Lol anyway, glad you like my story! Keep reviewing!

Ariel: NO! Stop reviewing!

Sugar high pixie: helooo! Well, here's the next chappie!
IRLost: err… thankies! I guess… I can never know… was that an insult or a compliment? Whichever case, thanks! Glad you like my story. Keep reviewing!

Elrond: Insult I hope.

So yeah, that's all I must be off lovies, to go in search of cookies and apple fritters….

Drizzt: Oops, is that what I was eating?

Hmm… there are probably some hidden in the halls of Mandos.

Elrond: In that case, they’re probably gone.
Ariel: Wouldn’t she have to be dead in order to eat them?


Must check!
Toodles!

All: *mad dash for the door*


Review the story here.
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Destined Darkness
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Master of the Rings
The team enter the theatre grumbling about evil Fire Nation princesses.
Words appear on the screen as the doors lock and the team settle in.

A/n: well… kick me,

DD and Laura: *sit up straight* You mean it?

kill me,

All: REALLY? *happy faces*

hang me up by a thread and feed me to giant tree ants.

All: Really? YAY!
DD: giant tree ants?
Others: WHO CARES! WE CAN KILL THE SUETHOR!


I deserve it.

All: YOU REALLY DO!

Really I do.

All: WE JUST SAID THAT!

And I won't put up a fight if you do any of the afore mentioned things to me.

DD: Yay

Honest I won't. Well… maybe a little but… anyway, I'm really sorry it took me so long.

Laura: Not long enough!

But on a happier note, it's now our summer vacation so I'll be updating regularly.

Thranduil: She serious? Happy note?

(Gulp) I hope…

IMPRTANT NOTE: ok, I know this is just pathetic but…

Elrond: She means the story right?
Haldir: I have no idea!


come on people! How hard is it to submit a review?

All: For this story? Very!

How? I mean, 358 people read the previous chapter and only 5 freaking people managed the good grace to review?

Darken: That’s because the other 353 were too busy trying to recover from the life trauma you gave them!

Jeez… I mean, sure reviews aren't really important but… reviews encourage me to write faster.

All: EVERYONE! STOP REVIEWING!

It wouldn't hurt to know a lot of people appreciate your work.

All: WE DON’T APPRECIATE IT! BURN IT IN HELL!

Even if you just say it's good and click ok, I'll be happy. Ok, I won't keep you from your fic any longer.

All: Please keep us from our fic!

ow

Beckett: Was that for us? Or for her?
Todd: *shrug* beats me!


Chapter 9: This is not good…

All: It’s really not!

-Sam-

Maybe I shouldn't have done that…

Elrond: We don’t care!

Nah, he deserved it.

Thranduil: WE seriously don’t care!

Or did he?

DD: NOT CARING! MOVE ON!

Ugh! I'm confusing myself.

That is not good.

All: *sigh*

Heaving myself onto a space of clean rock near Nimrodel,

Elrond, Haldir, DD and Thranduil: What?
Other four: Pass!


I watch the river gently flow by as I waited for the party to finish.

DD: Wait! I’m thinking that’s meant to be ‘wait’ or ‘watched’
Laura: eh!


Sigh.

I need to think.

All: You have a brain? Who knew?

The river is beautiful.

All: *sigh*

I mean, how often do you come across something so majestic, it just takes you're breath away?

DD: Everyday that I wake up and realise I’m not a sue like you
Laura: Every time I see Tasha!
Others except DD: *gasp*
Laura: Oh sorry! I mean! Every time I see my girlfriend Tazah!
Others: Okay!


The party won't be over for a while yet.

Thranduil and Elrond: Who’s partying? Has the ring been destroyed then?
DD: Nope!
Haldir: Why are they partying then?
DD: No idea!


And I've had quite a few drinks already, courtesy of Hal.

Haldir: *twitch* I hope she isn’t meaning me!
DD, Thranduil and Elrond: I think she is!


I lean back and put my arms under my head,

DD: Is she leaning back or lying down?
Beckett: Says leaning back!
DD: Then her arms would be behind her head, not under it!


staring out into the stars.

All: *sigh*

It really is amazing. All the vast expanse of sky above me is lit by a myriad of twinkling stars.

All: *sigh*

I remember when I was a little girl; my dad would often take us out to the fields where we would just lie down on a blanket and stare at the stars. But then, of course, he found out my mom was cheating on him for the chauffeur and they got divorced.

Todd: Of course!

Peachy story isn't it?

Darken: I would say ‘boring!’
Beckett: So would I!
DD: I would say ‘YAWN!’


So…

Carmi's coming with us…

Makes sense actually…

All: Because she’s a sue?

Suppose she'd want to take all the glory for herself.

Haldir: I’m sorry! But you and that bitch you call a friend have already taken all the glory of being sues!

The little twit.

DD: You are a twit!

Ugh!

All: Wow! She read my mind!

Guess she's not exactly happy about my presence here.

All: She’s not the only one!

Wonder why?

DD: (as Carmi) Lyk t’s lyk cuz yuu lyk made lyk moi lyk n2 lyk a sue!!!Lyk totally!!!
Others: *edge away from DD*


Yes, that was intoned in a sarcastic manner.

Laura: *sigh* don’t care!

-Cheap flashback effects! –

Todd: The suethor thinks her sue isn’t good enough for ‘Expensive flashback effects!
Beckett: Wait! Is this the start of a flashback?
Thranduil: I dunno!


I was sitting alone in the talan,

All: It’s a flashback!

reading a book

All: *jaw drop* She can read? What is the world coming too?

waiting for everyone to come back from dinner, which I had passed up.

DD: How very interesting! *sarcasm*

I heard the sound of footsteps approaching.

DD: How very interesting! *sarcasm*

See Hal

Haldir: Better not be me!

had been training me and he gave me these absolutely gorgeous new set of blades and a sword, which I have taken to calling Keiko.

DD: How very interesting! *sarcasm*

Oddly enough, I seem to be getting some odd looks whenever I bring her out and croon to her.

DD: How very…
Others: YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME AND WE’LL KILL YOU!
DD: Really? Thank you! *Not sarcastic! Rather happy!*
Others: *face palm* Fine! We’ll make you spork the rest of this alone!
DD: Shutting up now!
Otehrs: Good!


Hal says it's weird and disturbing.

Haldir: Still had better not be me!
Others: It’s you!


Maybe he's right.

All: HE IS!

But then again it's probably just him.

All: *face palm*

But I'm getting way off course here.

Beckett: Ya think?
Todd: No she doesn’t! That’s the point!


So when I heard the footsteps, I felt a distinctly unsettling feeling, like the person approaching wasn't someone nice.

All: THE PPC HAVE COME TO KILL HER!

So I pulled a blade out of it's sheath in my boot and held it at my side.

DD: Okay! I know I mistakenly put ‘its’ as ‘it’s’ but that’s because of my word settings, anyway it should be ‘its’ because it’s possession!
Laura: Way to many ‘it’s/its’ in that sentence!
DD: I know!


The person turned out to be Carmi.

All: Aww!

Wooh! Way to go instinct! Definitely not nice!

All: *sit up* Is this Carmi working for the PPC? Wait no she’s a sue too!*sigh and lean back*

She stepped in and looked warily around, clearly checking to see if there was anyone from the fellowship around.

All: Ohh! She’s gonna kill her?

Oh, she's got to be killing me.

*Laura puts the keyboard down with a smile on her face*

What could be so important that she has to make sure I'm the only one here?

All: SHE’S GONNA KILL YOU!

Must be something that could distinctly ruin her image if she's going through so much trouble.

All: *snake voices*YESS!

Psh!

If you ask me they don't think much of her as it is.

Darken: That’s because they are under your spell!

I mean I actually heard the hobbits saying she was evil.

All: PPC! Or Sauron!

Well to make it accurate, Sam said she was evil.

All: But isn’t this in Sam’s POV? *cry* My head! *proceed to grab at their heads*

No not me, the other Sam.

All: Oh! Now you explain it!

I believe his exact words were, "You mark my words Mr. Merry, she's up to naught but evil. She looks evil enough after all, acts like it too."

DD: How very interesting!!
Others: *stand up*
DD: What? It’s different! I put two exclamation marks in!
Others: *grumble and sit down!


Ah well, should I tell her that the attempt at the illusion is screwed?

All: Illusion?

Nah let her stew.

DD: Hmm! Stew! I like it! Shit now I’m hungry!

"You listen to me Samantha, and you listen good." She said glaring at me maliciously. "I don't know how you got here, and I don't care. But if you get in my way, I swear to you I will kill you. And I won't hesitate to do it too."

DD: Yay!

Gee and here's me caring. Totally not.

All: *sigh*

I'd like to see her try.

DD and Laura: Bring it on bitch!

"I'd like to see you try." I said silkily.

All: *choke* Silkily? Her? *laugh*

What?

DD and Laura: What what?

She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Carmi, listen to me."

DD: Why emphasise it?
Thranduil: I dunno!


I said in a patronizing tone.

Laura: You think you’re so shit hot! Well bring it on bitch!
Others: *face palm*


"You couldn't even carry a book bag containing 5 books,

All: Oooohhhh!
Laura: You gonna take that from her?


how d'you

All: What the fuck is that?

expect to be able to lift a big old sword?"

Elrond: *sigh*
DD: *sigh*
Thranduil: *sigh*
Laura: I get it!


"This body is different."

All: *laugh* Ohkay!

She says snidely, like I'm some lowly infidel Turk who was on the rampage against Constantinople.

All: What is this bitch on about?
Azula: (over speaker) Who the hell knows?


"Sorry honeychild,

DD: *scratch head* umm…?
Others: *scratch heads* Umm…!


but unless you eat about ten boxes of lembas everyday for three months,

DD: Lembas comes in boxes?
The three Elves: NO!
DD: Didn’t think so!
The three Elves and DD: Wow! She’s gonna have a stomach ache from that!


your dreams aren't coming true anytime soon." I said laughing.

All: TENSE CHANGE!

I stand up, and walk out the door, and I could

All: TENSE CHANGE! AGAIN!

feel her eyes boring into my back with so much hatred I could feel it rippling the air.

Haldir: (as eyes) Take that!
DD: (as hatred) I hope you can feel this bitch!
Laura: (as ripple) WEEHEE! I’m not just for water anymore!


That is not good.

All: Move on!

-It's done! –

All: What’s done! TELL US! COME ON! PLEASE! WHAT’S DONE!

Oh dear, I believe she just threatened to shuffle me lose form this mortal coil.

All: :blink: Wha?

Hang on, I'll double check.

Haldir: *scratch head* Double check what exactly?

Oh poppycock! She did!

All: We don’t care

Holy brown-haired bitch, Batman!

All: :blink: *scratch heads* Wha?

Oh well, not like she's exactly a force to be reckoned with.

All: I am so lost!

Not to be overly evil, which I am not, not like her anyways.

But, Carmi's not exactly heavy in the intellectual department.

All: *are laughing so hard they can hardly breathe* and you are? *long and*

Nor in the physical department.

All: *back to serious**sigh*

In fact, as sad a fact as it is, she's nothing but hair and cartwheels.

The guys: *sigh*
The girls: PISS OFF SAMANTHA sue!


I know. It's a sad, sad day when all a girl can amount to is hair and flips.

Azula: Hey! Ty Lee won’t appreciate that! Though she would like this Carmi chick!

But there's Carmi for you, right there.

I stood up and shook myself.

DD: Wait! I thought she was already standing?
Laura: I have a hunch that the flashback is over!
DD: That would make much more sense!


Holy crap, what was in those drinks?

Darken: Ten Step Poison!
DD: Death’s Breath!
Laura: POISON!
Thranduil: Death in liquid form!
Elrond: A mix of deadly herbs!
Beckett: Gun powder!
Todd: Razors!
Haldir: A new orc poison we have yet to hear about and find a cure for! I’m sorry! Not!
Azula: A date rape drug! Only instead of just knocking you out, it kills you!
Others: *look at the speaker weirdly*
Azula: Shutting up now!


I feel like I just stepped off a twister ride at the amusement park.

All: Okay?[/b[

This is not good.

All: STOP SAYING THAT! *cry* HAVEN’T YOU SAID THAT LIKE 3-4 TIMES NOW? SHUT UP ALREADY!

I really don't like the way my vision keeps spinning.

Darken and DD: She’s nearing her ten steps!
Others: What happens when she reaches ten?
Darken and DD: She dies!
Others: Awesome! But it won’t happen!
DD and Darken: *sigh* we know! Wishful thinking never hurt anyone!


Thankfully, I reach my intended destination wit only minimum trouble.

All: I’m sorry what?

I plop onto my bed and close my eyes.

DD: When the fuck did your reach your room?

An odds of ten to one say I'm gonna have a massive headache tomorrow.

All: That’s if you wake up! (insert evil laughs)

-Frodo -

"Sam," I whisper, gently shaking our female friend's shoulder. She lets out a moan

DD and Laura: *whisper* Dodgy thoughts!

and turns over, burying her face in her pillow.

All: *scratch their heads* Isn’t Frodo shaking her?

"Sam," I repeat a little bit louder.

The others had appointed me to wake Sam up after waiting for her so we could start breakfast.

All: We don’t care!

Sam is not a pleasant person during the morning hours but I thought it best not to argue.

All: *sigh*

Especially since we had all been waiting for two hours, and they were all getting quite crabby.

DD and Laura: WHO THE FUCK WAITS FOR TWO HOURS TO EAT?
Others: These idiots apparently!
The girls: *sigh* Dipshits!
Others: Huh?
The girls: *sigh* Never mind! *to each other* I MEAN WE JUST FUCKING GO AND GRAB FOOD TO EAT! NO WAITING FOR NO ONE!


So here I am, outright yanking off her shoulder

All: YESS! *hiss* *a la snake!Elrond* DESSTROY IT!

when she suddenly sits up and glares.

All: Aww!*grumble*

I step back a bit.

I remember Bilbo once saying that an angry woman is not something to be dealt with lightly.

All: WE DON’T CARE!
The girls: WE’RE ANGRY NOW!


Well, believe me she certainly looks angry enough to fear.

All: Yes Frodo! Fear her and run away!

"Oh, brilliant!" she groans outing her head in hand.

Haldir: Somebody help me here please!
DD: Sorry mate! You’re on your own!
Laura: Pass!
Todd: No thanks!
Thranduil: I have no idea myself!
Elrond: Umm… *sips desperately at his wine*
Beckett: *pause* No!


"Just bloody fucking brilliant!"

All: WE KNOW!

I approach her cautiously.

All: *gulp at their respective drinks*

"Sam?" I ask. "Are you alright?"

All: IS SHE ALRIGHT? WHAT ABOUT US? WE’RE THE FUCKWITS WHO GOT STUCK READING THIS SHIT!

She looks up, as if just noticing that I was here.

All: That’s because she had just noticed you were there! Shesh!

"Oh, it's you Frodo." She says with a careless smile.

DD: NO IT’S BLOODY MARY!
Laura: (as careless smile) Hi! My name is Careless Smile! What’s yours?


"I'm fine. Thanks very much, I just have a headache that makes me feel like my skull's splitting."

Thranduil: (as Frodo) *insert evil laugh* THAT’S BECAUSE YOUR SKULL REALLY IS SPLITTING! *continue evil laugh*
Others: *edge away from Thranduil*
Beckett: You are very scary when you have gone insane!
Thranduil: Thank you! I do try!


"Ah, that would be the after effects of the wine you had last night." I tell her understanding well.

All: Omkay! You do that Frodo!

"Great, had I known it would be this bad I wouldn't have had so bloody much."

This piques my curiosity. "How many did you have?"

All: Who? Us? Oh we’ve had about 13 each so far! *start acting drunk* And there’s many more to come!

"Eleven bloody goblets. The big ones."

All except Haldir: *look at Haldir and scratch their heads* You guys have big goblets?
Haldir: Not that I know of!


I wince. That is a lot.

All: Hey buddy! We’ve had 13 bottles each! All varying at different alcohol levels! She can’t talk! *act drunk*

"By the way Frodo, any particular reason you wanted to wake me?" she asks looking up at me.

All: (as Frodo) *insert evil laugh* I was coming to see if that poison I spiked your drinks with last night worked! *insert sigh* They haven’t!

"Oh yes. They sent me to wake you up and bring you down for breakfast." I told her smiling.

All: (as Frodo) *shifty eyes* Yeah! Sure! Let’s go with that!

"Jeez," she said making a face.

Laura and DD: But what kind of face? You’re supposed to specify what face! Like this ‘Confused face’ ‘happy face’ ‘innocent face’ ‘proud face’ ‘…’
Others: WE GET IT!


"I bet its Legolas.

Thranduil: *sigh* Blame my son for everything why don’t you?
Todd: And now she uses ‘its’ and it’s in the wrong place!


Isn't it? Damn him. What is with this insane obsession of his that everybody eat together?

Thranduil: Since when does Legolas do that?
Others: *shrug*


He's like my damn mother!"

All: BOOHOO! WAIT I THOUGHT YOUR MOM WAS A LYING, CHEATING BITCH?
Azula: My mother thought me a monster! You should be happy someone cared about you in a motherly way!
Darken: I grew up with no mother!


"Samantha?" I ask suddenly.

All: Okay?

She looks at me, eyebrows raised.

DD and Laura: Were they raised in a dirty way?
Others: *face palm*


"What was your family like?" I say.

Her shoulders fell and she looks like she's going to cry. I instantly realize I must be hitting a raw wound.

All: CONTINUE HITTING THAT WOUND!

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

Todd: (as Frodo) Really! I did mean to!

She holds up a hand and smiles. "It's ok Frodo. It-it's fine. Really."

"It's just—you never mention them, and… I wondered."

She nodded understandingly. "It's alright Frodo." She repeats. "But could we maybe, not talk about anything like that for the moment? It- I just can't right now."
I nodded my assent.

All: *sigh*
Haldir: It-I-This is bullshit!
Others: Ohh! You hit a nerve! *act insulted*


-Sam-

"You can head back to the others if you'd like." I tell him pleasantly. "I believe I can find it myself.

Todd: Find what?
Beckett: *shrug*
Darken: The Pit of Death!
DD: The Underworld!
Laura: HELL ON EARTH!
Thranduil: No! She’s causing that!
Laura: Oh!
Elrond: The Pit of Eternal Suffering!


He laughs at me. And if I didn't find it nice because he never seems to laugh that much, I'd smack him one.

All: *to Samantha Sue* You realise you’re saying this all out loud right? And you also realise you aren’t making sense right?

"Not to be rude Samantha, but you're horrible when it comes to directions." He tells me matter-of-factly.

All: *mutter* She’s horrible when it comes to fics too!

"Hey!" I cry out in an indignant way. Then I pause and shrug. "It's true. But you must be getting hungry and I still have to get changed."

All: Hello dipshit! They are waiting for you before they can eat! If he is hungry he’ll have to deal with it until you get there! If you get lost, they’ll all starve!

I gesture to my dress, which I hadn't bothered taking off last night, I was too smashed.

DD and Laura: You mean wasted?
Others: What?
DD and Laura: Just terms for being drunk off your face!
Others: Okay?


"No, it's quite alright." He answers. I turned around and scavenged for some clean clothes.

Aha!

Found some!

I marched over and pulled a pair of long brown trousers from a drawer.

The Elves and DD: YOU’RE A GIRL IN MIDDLE EARTH! YOU WILL WEAR DRESSES NOT TROUSERS!

Then I picked up a snug tunic in a dashing green.

DD and Thranduil: *hug each other and cry silent tears over the death of green being a favourite colour of theirs*

Ugh! Personally, I think I look like some weird and deformed form of Legolas

Thranduil: DID SHE JUST COMPARE HERSELF TO MY SON?

but we won't get into that. My jeans are being cleaned and mended.burned and discarded!

My other clothes however, have been graciously kept out of sight so I'd have no choice but wear the god-awful dress last night.

All: *sigh*

They still haven't returned them.

All; I’m sorry to say! Your clothes have been burned and as a side note! I’m not sorry!

Bugger all.

I pulled the tunic over my head and slip into my boots.

DD: The fucking tense change is back!

Oh I haven't mentioned them have I?

Wooh! They're absolutely fricking awesome! They're black, and lace-up and knee-length. Ain't that peachy?

DD: Would you stop saying that fucking word? Please? I beg of you!

I'm sorry;

All except DD who is having a break down: You should be!

I seem to have developed a rather strange fascination with objects.

At least, that's what Legolas says.

All: No! Legolas talks to this sue?

He told me so yesterday, when I was busy crooning to Keiko.

DD: God! This sue sounds like a 5 year old trying to prove that she’s better than someone else!

When I stepped out of the changing room thingy,

All: The what?

I saw Frodo, sitting on the edge of a chair, looking serious.

Thranduil: (as Frodo) *a la Théoden* How did it come to this?

Honestly, I could have handled the seriousness, but he just looked so damn forlorn I had to do something.

Elrond: He’s forlorn because he’s in a room with a sue!

I knelt down in front of him.

DD and Laura: And dirty thoughts *long and*
Beckett: Don’t need to know!


"Hey," I said gently smiling up at him. "Lighten up."

All: AND HE KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS?

He smiled, well not really a smile, it was too sad.

DD: Smiles don’t always have to be happy! You could have said ‘He smiled sadly’

"How can I?" he ask me.

All: (as Frodo) YOU’RE STILL HERE! DIE BITCH! DIE!

Damn, he looks so lost.

Elrond: That’s because he wants to know how he ended up in a room with a sue!

"Listen Frodo, I won't pretend to understand the burden you carry. I know it's not easy, I know the temptation grows bigger and bigger." He looked at me, surprised. " I may not know a lot of things, but I do know this. Galadriel was right. Hear me? You do what you have to, ok? Because the fact remains, that we can't protect you from ourselves." I tell him as gently as I can.

Haldir: (as Frodo) I can’t understand your urple ways! *a la Gandalf* Please die and rid us of your stupidity!

He looks at me with a hardening resolve.

All A what?
Laura: Is he…?
DD: NO!


I see fear in his eyes, but with the thought of where he's headed?

Beckett: Why the random ‘?’
Others: *shrug*


Who wouldn't?

Fear and determination. This is the Frodo, I admire.

All: You admire Frodo?
DD: Who are you trying to ensnare sue?


"Now what do you say we head on over to those loons and rustle us some breakfast?" I say taking his hand.

DD: SLAP HER FRODO!

We walk over to where the fellowship was sitting.

Todd: *snicker* They just magically appear wherever it is they were heading?

Oh dear, they all look incredibly pissed.

DD: Annoyed or drunk? It means both nowadays!

"Took you long enough lass." Gimli said.

The girls: DON’T CALL THIS SUE A LASS!

"You didn't have to wait for me you know."

All: Oh but they did! Because they aren’t writing the story!

" 'Twas

All: Huh?

the Elf's idea." Boromir told me sighing. "You could have hurried could you not?"

DD: YOU COULD HAVE EATEN! COULD YOU NOT?

I grin. "I know. But you should be kept on your toes gentlemen."

The guys: SAYS YOU BITCH! YOU SHOULD BE CHOPPED INTO TINY URPLE PIECES AND EATEN!
The girls: *edge away*


I hear a noise from Merry and Pippin. Oops, I forgot we had hobbits present.

All: *face palm* WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

"And what's that supposed to mean?" I ask them one eyebrow raised.

Beckett: What is what supposed to mean?
Others: *shrug*


They don't answer; they just pile their food on their plates, looking surly.

All: Okay?

"It serves you right you know." I tell them laughing. "All of you. After all the mocking I received from you lot."

DD: Can I strangle her?
Others: It won’t help!
DD: I know! *cries*


Suddenly Aragorn plopped,

All: Umm…?

yes plopped onto the empty seat next to me.

"Hello there sunshine, you're not looking particularly bright today."

All: *jaw drop*

I say biting into a piece of cake.

All: Cake? There’s cake in Middle earth? Since when?

"Thank you for that Sam." He tells me sarcastically. I grin cheekily.

All: *sigh* Of course that’s what happened! *sarcasm*

Just between you and me, I have no idea what's going on.

All: WE DON’T CARE! STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!

"We leave tomorrow." He says suddenly. "We must travel by the river and make for Amon Hen."

All: Yay!*sarcasm*

Peachy.

DD: *cries* I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

Amon hen.

Thranduil: Hold on! She capitalizes it once and then just doesn’t capitalise it the second time?
Laura: Seems like it! Yeah!


That's where things reach their turning point.

All: YOU DIE?

Frodo and Sam go onwards to Mordor.

DD: Not you I hope!

Merry and Pippin get captured by Orcs.

All: WE ALREADY KNOW THIS! DON’T TELL US!

Boromir dies.

Elrond: Hmm! Yes I heard about that!

I could die.

All: WE WOULD BE SO HAPPY IF YOU DID!

Holy shit stick!

All: Wha?
DD: Are you talking about wafer sticks?


Boromir dies!

All: STOP REPEATING YOURSELF!

Oh no… I can't let that happen!

All: Here we go! Another sue trying to save the day!

He's like my brother.

All: He’s like not!

Admittedly, he's an insane brother but that's the principle of the thing!

All: :blink: What is this sue on about?

Oh crap, crap, crap!

Thranduil: We get it! We get it! We get it!

This is not good.

DD: *starts crying and rocking back and forwards*

Oh yes, this is definitely not good.

Elrond: You’ve told us this over 5 times now! Move on!

A/n:

All: THE END! THE END! THE END!

ok, so I hope more people do review this time.

All: NO! DON’T!

And just so you know, I have the next two chapters, typed up and ready to post

Beckett: Those poor souls who must spork them!

but I won't until my review ratings move up.

DD: THE WORLD DOESN’T FUCKING REVOLVE AROUND YOU!

Hmmph,

Todd: So mature!*sarcasm*

I know I'm acting immature

Haldir: Todd established that! Thank you!

and all that but I just wanna feel appreciated.

DD and Laura: You’re not! Go jump off a cliff and kill yourself!

Now click the nifty purple button,

DD: Since when is the review button purple?
Others: *shrug*


please?

All: NO!

ShadOw08

DD: I’m going to hunt you down and kill you in your sleep! You won’t know what hit you! You won’t know why! You won’t write ever again! (insert evil laugh and twitch)
Others: RUN! *run out of the room as fast as they can*


Review the reason for my death here
'Do you know how some families fight and shout and curse each other, but at the end of the day they're still your family and you're with them to the end of the world because you love them and they love you?'
'Well, yeah...'
'My family isn't like that.'
~Jareth to Sarah, Roommates Comic by AsheRhyder

'Imagine a sound, too deep to hear, too deep to be anything but felt. Deep enough to shatter worlds. That is the sound of the grief of the people who live in "if," those beautiful, terrible people who can be anything and everything as long as they are Nothing. Imagine what can make "nothing" feel so deeply that it may even transcend to "something."'
~Roommates Comic by AsheRhyder
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Telcontar Rulz
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Rising Again
The speakers crackled to life. Much to the prisoners’ surprise, it was Sauron who was speaking. He hadn’t actually addressed them in a while, preferring to let his newest robot do it. “Logan, Cara, Jack, Fran and, of course, Lord Faramir, I have a task for you.”

“We’re not gonna like it, are we, bub?” asked Logan.

“I am afraid you are correct,” said Sauron. “However, I don’t care about what you like and you don’t. The other dark lords and ladies are collaborating to deal with a HorriFic™, and I have volunteered the services of my best sporkers.”

“Fran got in and I didn’t?” asked Hermione, a little bit peeved.

“Hermione’s a much better sporker than me,” said Fran.

“Well, in that case,” said Sauron, “would Hermione like to take Fran’s place?”

“On a second thought, Fran’s actually better,” said Hermione quickly. “She is much dodgier.”

“Hey!” said Fran. “I’m not a good sporker!”

“Nevertheless, you and Captain Sparrow happen to be a team,” said Sauron. “Report to Cinema Four in five minutes, and enjoy!”


-------------------------------------------

a/n: well, here goes the next chappie! Hope you like it even though it is a bit short…

Chapter Ten: Farewell to the leaves of Lorien…

-Sam-

Bloody hell my head hurts…

Logan: I don’t remember headbuttin’ anyone called Sam.

I am going to kill Haldir when I find him.

Faramir: As if you can kill Haldir.

Honestly!

Faramir: I am being completely honest here. You are not capable of killing an elven warrior.

What is wrong with that elf? You just don't go around giving depressed maidens goblets of wine!

Cara: I always found wine to be good for elevating my spirits.

Particularly not strong wine!

Jack: Why the hell not? I find it’s best to get drunk with somethin’ stronger.

In fact, I doubt you should even give them weak wine let alone strong stuff!

Fran: Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘drowning your sorrows’?

He's dead.

Cara: It depends on which version you go with. In the films, he dies, but in the books, he survives.

Logan: I don’t think she’s thinking like that, Cara.

Cara: Oh. Well, in that case, kiss me.

Logan: I’m not going to start making out with you just because you’re bored!

Jack: I’ll do it, if he doesn’t want to!

Logan: Keep your hands off my girl, pirate!

Cara: Your girl? I’m not anybody’s girl!


Heard me?

Faramir: No. Cara, Logan, and Jack, calm down! Jack, Ana’s going to kill you, you know that, right?

DEAD!

Fran: Exactly! Ana’s going to kill you dead if you even mention another woman.

Logan: That’s redundant. The word ‘kill’ already implies ending someone’s life so there is no need to put in ‘dead’ after it.

Fran: Says the man who uses double negatives.


Or not…

Logan: Well, there is an exception. Loads of people have tried to kill me, but they haven’t succeeded—which means that they haven’t killed me...Damn! Now I’m confused.

"Er--- Sam?" Boromir asks looking concernedly at me.

Faramir: Oh, so this is from Sam’s point of view! I’ve never read anything from that poor hobbit’s point of view before.
"Uh-huh?" I answer lamely from my place on the grass.

Cara: Does she need a healer?

Fran: Why would you think that?

*Cara points at word ‘lamely’.*

Logan: Oh, no. It’s just slang for...uh...not very smoothly.


And just so you know, no I am not eating.

Fran: Fine. Starve yourself, then. See if I care.

One bite of cake and my head exploded.

Logan: Sweetheart, that wasn’t a cake. That was an explosive charge!

Faramir: She must be pretty dumb if she can’t tell explosives from cake.

Cara: I rather like brain-cake.

Jack: You ain’t gettin’ any from this one, believe me. I don’t think she has any brains inside her head.

Cara: Pity. I’m feeling a little peckish.


I came down, reprimanded all of them for all their mocking last night, and nearly got my head bitten off by two very hungry (and very surly) hobbits.

Fran: Only nearly?

Logan: I’d have bitten her head right off!

Cara: Well, maybe you would have ripped out her throat instead. I don’t think your mouth is big enough to bite off a human head.


Now, I am nursing my headache from hell

Logan: There are a lot more than just headaches in hell.

Cara: And you would know this how?


as I lie in a pathetic heap on the floor.

Fran: That is pathetic. One would think that you’d at least go lie in a heap on a bed. Floors are not particularly comfortable.

Add to that the fact that I still haven't quite talked it out with that little voice in my head.

Logan: That would be Chuck.

You know, the one that's screaming 'DON'T INTERFERE!'

Jack: Not really.

I honestly detest that stupid little voice.

Faramir: It’s smart. Listen to it.

"Are you alright dear sister?" Boromir asks touching my forehead.

Logan: When did you get an extra sibling, Faramir?

*Faramir is banging his head on the seat in front of him.*

Faramir: Don’t go around adopting Sues, Boromir!


I must look like crap.

Fran: Well, I sincerely doubt that you’re slimy and brown and gooey and oozing everywhere.

Jack: *Looking at chocolate pudding that he was about to consume.* Must you mention that?


"Ugh… yeah…Haldir…dead… elf…walking…

Logan: Zombie Haldir! I can take care of that. *Pops claws.*

head huuurts…."

Fran: *Tries to pronounce it.* Hoooo! Hoooo-erts!

Cara: That sounds like a demented owl.


I manage to get out without banging my head on the table.

*Faramir is still banging his head.*

Logan: You sure you don’t want a helmet?


"How much did you drink last night?" Aragorn asks, leaning over me as well, and examining me.

Jack: Does she have nice assets?

Faramir: JACK!


Ok, I do not like people being in my face when I have a hangover, back up people.

Shit, I've once again lost my vocal controls.

Fran: That’s a symptom of brain failure. And that’s a scientific truth!

"Peace Sam, I meant no offence." Aragorn says holding up a hand and smiling. "But perhaps we should get you a pot of tea."

Logan: Pfft! Tea? Try something like an espresso.

Faramir: Isn’t there a quest they have to go on and a Dark Lord to destroy?

Cara: Why do you think said Dark Lord is still alive and tormenting us?

Logan: Oh! I get it! He’s here because the Fellowship...I’m just mentioning the obvious, aren’t I?


Oddly, that last phrase is of no comfort. It only makes me think of Julie Andrews consorting with traitor beard over there.

Fran: Huh?

Faramir: Why Julie Andrews?

Jack: Don’t ask me. I ain’t heard of her.

Fran: Singing nun.

Logan: Sexy. *Swigs beer.*


I would laugh if it weren't such an effort to do so.

Fuck, my head really hurts.

Logan: Maybe it’s because you’re not supposed to fuck things with your head.

Faramir: Pass the absinthe!


And can someone do me a favor and get this image of Julie Andrews smiling and Aragorn going 'Pass the crumpets if you please, my Queen.'

Jack: I could do with some buttered crumpets right now...

Fran: Better yet, crumpets with whipped cream...

Jack: ...just lightly toasted, and with a spot of strawberry preserve...

Fran: ...and a pot of classic English Breakfast Tea.

Cara: They are incredibly off-topic. Hey, you two!

Jack and Fran: Wha?

Cara: Learn some focus.

Fran: Says the lady who ends up kissing her Wolverine during each spork session.


From somewhere above me, Legolas puts a tray down on the table.

Logan: It had a razor, waxing strips, a bottle of concentrated acid—

Cara: —and a pair of tweezers for ripping off her fingernails slowly one by one, a mallet for breaking bones, a blowtorch for creative endeavours, fishing hooks, scalpels, barbed wire—

Faramir: You two are enjoying this way too much.

Cara: I thought it was a good thing to love one’s profession?

Fran: I don’t want to think about what happens to your students during detention, Logan.

Logan: I make them do my laundry.


Uhmm… when did he leave?

"Sam, can you manage to sit up?" he asks, sitting down next to me.

Cara: One of the keys to successfully breaking a subject is to speak nicely to them.

Logan: You speak nicely to me...

Cara: That I do. *Kisses him.* It makes you...Mmmm...

Faramir: Here they go again!

Fran: I think it’s hot.

Outside, a crowd of orcs and dark Numenoreans have gathered around the security guard’s screen to watch the show.


I nod. I am never going to drink again.

Ever.

Jack: Oh good! There’ll be more for me, and you’re gonna die of thirst. So all in all, we all win, except for whoever loses.

Faramir: You’re not making any sense.

Jack: You just haven’t got the intelligence to understand me, savvy? I make perfect sense!


I swear to god/ Valar/ Merlin/or whatever freaking deity, never again.

Fran: Merlin’s not a deity! Learn your mythology, please.

Twinkle toes

Fran: To arms! Edward Cullen’s here!

Logan: I’ll show Mister Marble Cadaver a thing or two! *Pops claws.*


hands me a cup of steaming tea and I down it in one gulp.

Jack: She must have a really big mouth. Hey, is she a Kraken?

Bad idea.

Now my throat hurts.

Stupid tea.

Cara: I don’t think it’s the tea that’s stupid. *Goes back to snogging Logan.*

I scalded my tongue.

Fran: Did you know that drinking too-hot stuff increases your chances for getting oesophageal cancer?

Now I'm gonna go sulk.

But hey, at least my head doesn't feel like it's about to fall off.

Jack: That must be some miracle tea.

"So," I say, turning to Aragorn. "When did you say we were leaving?"

"In two days." He answers.

Peachy.

Cara: What has this got to do with fruit?

Logan: Dunno. Don’t care. You wanna do somethin’ with canned peaches later?

Cara: It depends what you have in mind. If there are claws and skin involved, yes.


OoO


I never did get to extract my vengeance

Jack: That sounds painful.

upon Haldir.

Honestly? I got too caught up in our goodbyes that I sorta forgot that he was responsible for my headache from hell.

Now, I am sailing in a boat with Legolas and Gimli, while Carmi is glaring at me.

Cara: That’s because she knows what you are.

Fran: I always thought that it was supposed to be a ‘cami’.

Jack: That would be the case if we were talking about a piece of skimpy clothing, which we are not.


Yeah? Well right up yours, bitch.

Cara: Up her what?

Logan: *Whispers.*

Cara: Oh, so impaling. I threatened to do that to one of my subjects once. He broke very quickly.


I'm as clueless as a flagpole

Faramir: A flagpole might have more clues.

as to why I'm here in this particular boat.

I don't need your glares.

*Logan glares very hard at the screen.*

Ah, if looks could kill.

Logan: Cyclops’ could.

We are now sailing on to Amon Hen.

Logan: To collect eggs?

Faramir: *Groans and buries face in hands.*


Between you and me, I'm so nervous I could pop.

Fran: I generally don’t make popping noises when I’m nervous.

Instead, I finger my necklace worriedly.

Yeah, you know that little thing where Galadriel gave the fellowship gifts?

Faramir: Uh huh...

Yeah. Well I got one too.

Fran: Cyanide laced lipgloss?

Jack: The black spot?

Logan: A well deserved thrashing?

Cara: I’d mention it, but I think Faramir here would not like it.

Faramir: You’re learning to consider other people’s feelings?

Cara: No, I’m not. It would be a shame for me to have to fight you off and ruin that pretty face of yours.

Logan: Hey! You’re not supposed to think he’s pretty!

Faramir: I’m not pretty! Legolas is!

Legolas: [over the intercom.] I heard that, Faramir Denethorion!


-Close your eyes,

Fran: Zzzzz...

here it comes! –

I sighed, swallowing the last bite of lembas I had in my hand before handing Gimli the last of the packs to stow in our boat.

This is getting monotonous.

Jack: You only just noticed?

Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?

Fran: Definitely.

If an atheist goes to court do they make them swear on the Bible?

Cara: What’s the ‘Buy Bull’ and why do they have to swear on it?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Logan: People who think they’re really moral can be total morons sometimes.

Cara: Only sometimes?


Meh, I'm so bored.

Jack: So are we.

"Come on lass, up yeh get." Gimli said pushing me onto my feet.

I'm incapacitated at the moment.

"Wha? Where're we headed Cap'n?" I mumble.

Jack: To hell, me mateys!

"The Lady Galadriel is calling us." He answered.

Logan: Capital letter on the ‘he’. That only happens when you’re talking about God, right?

Ah, does that explain anything?

Faramir: I think it does. The Lady Galadriel is calling. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.

Honestly, my brain is too fogged up to recall.

Logan: Invest in those windshield warmer things that you put on your windshield to stop it from foggin’ up.

What happens right now?

Cara: You die, perhaps?

"Mae govannen." Galadriel greets, holding up a hand.

Jack: Translation: Stop right there.

Faramir: Actually, it means ‘well met’.

Jack: But she’s holdin’ up her hand!


Ah, I think I remember… it's time for Galadriel to give the fellowship the gifts.

Fran: Who would have thought.

So what am I doing here?

Logan: Our thoughts exactly.

'Hush child…I must speak to you.'

Uh… okay… that explains it.

Fran: I don’t get it. Why would Galadriel want to speak to her?

I think…

Logan: Hey! Look! She thinks!

She held out her hands to me and I stepped forward.

Actually Legolas pushed me, but we won't get into that.

Fran: He was that eager to get rid of you, huh?

He's a dead elf walking.

Jack: That would make him an undead elf walking.

Fran: That would make him an elven vampire! EEEK!!!

Faramir: Balian and I told you not to watch that Sunset sequel.

Fran: It’s Twilight, and I can’t help it if I’m morbidly curious!


"My Lady," I said bowing.


She pulled me up and smiled. "Such a pity that one so young should bear witness to such horrors."

Faramir: And what about the pity for the rest of us who are forced to witness this horror?

She began looking mournful.

Fran: I won’t even deign to comment on how bad that sounds.

Well… gee… thanks a lot Galadriel. Glad to know my life's gonna be such a peach.

Cara: You want to tell me your idea with the canned peaches in syrup, Logan?

She smiled at this. "Do not worry little one. You shall be happy in the end. Nothing is set in stone, but expect it nonetheless."

Faramir: That doesn’t make any sense. If she is to expect it, then it is set in stone.

Expect what?

What're we talking about?

She laughed gaily

Jack: Wasn’t she beginnin’ to look mournful just a moment ago?

Fran: She has bipolar.


and pressed something into my hands.

I opened it and saw to my surprise a silver necklace.

It had a pendant of mithril shaped into a teardrop with a jewel set in the middle.

Fran: Can I just say ‘ew’? I much prefer Swarovski’s jewellery.

I examined it and realized with a jolt that the jewel's color looked hauntingly familiar.

Logan: It’s urple.

'It's the exact color of blue as…'



Jack: The sea?


Faramir: Don’t be so cliched.


Jack: Fine; de-oxygenated blood, then.



"Yes child?" Galadriel asked smiling mischievously. My eyes widened.

"You heard that?"

She laughed and stroked my cheek.

Jack: She stroked your cheek, did she? *Winks.*

Cara: I guess someone was in the mood for a bit of naughty sweetness.


"'Twas a good thing you did for Frodo, Samantha. But be careful, not all in your company are as true."

Fran: I think that’s you, Samantha.

I nodded and bowed my head. "Yes, My Lady."

She turned to some other member of the fellowship

Cara: I guess he wasn’t important enough to get his name mentioned.

and I walked off to busy myself with clasping the necklace.

"Would you like some assistance?" came a haughty voice from behind me.

Logan: Necklaces can be used as garrottes, haughty person. Just remember that.

I turned around and saw the one and only Haldir.

"Hal!" I squealed,

Logan: Ouch! My ears!

(Yes, squealed. I am deeply ashamed. ) And hugged him.

Faramir: Haldir. Decontamination showers. Now.

"Do not forget your training child." He told me sternly. "You are headed for the wild. It would be most unwise to be careless."

I grinned at him before giving a salute. "Aye, aye sarge."

Jack: It should be ‘aye, aye, cap’n’!

Fran: Not everything revolves around you, Jack.


"I'm gonna miss you Hal." I told him.

"As will I nin mellon. You will be careful?"

Faramir: Haldir’s Sindarin skills have really lapsed.

"Yes, mother. I won't get killed by the ickle orcses and other evils when we get to Mordor."

Fran: *Growls.* I hate it when people talk like babies and put on that annoying high cutesy voice on purpose!

Logan: You need to work on your growl, kid.


I left him then, and went over to Celeborn, who was beckoning to me.

I bowed again this is getting really monotonous.

Faramir: You should be honoured that he would even want to speak to you!

"My Lord."

He smiles at me and kisses my temple.

Jack: Now, what sort of ‘temple’ would ye be referrin’ to? A woman’s temple can be—Ow!

Faramir: If you dragged yourself out of the gutter, Captain Sparrow, I wouldn’t have to keep on hitting you!


"Be careful little one, your fate may not be closely tied with those of the others but the tide may yet turn."

Fran: And that just means that her fate could be tied to those of the others.

Cara: I guess he contradicted himself.


He handed me a dagger and a phial of liquid.

Logan: Cyanide. Please let it be cyanide.

"I know our March Warden has equipped you and trained you well, as he should, but it does not hurt to have a spare.

Cara: Having spare poison never went amiss.

We cannot have one so fair walk out of Lorien unprotected. The phial contains a healing serum made from the leaves of the mallorn and it can cure almost anything, I daresay you shall find some use for it sooner or later."

Faramir: I don’t recall reading that the leaves of mellyrn trees have healing properties.

Fran: *Squirms uncomfortably.* I did make up something about the buds of the White Tree having healing qualities...


And with that, he walked off.

Elves are WEIRD!

Logan: He was bein’ nice! What’s so weird about that? Actually, he was nice to a Sue, so that is kinda weird.

They are seriously, seriously deranged.

Cara: I agree. They are far too nice.

First it was Legolas, with the whole ear-turning-pink thing, which I have yet to figure out.

Jack: It’s called blushin’. Happens with humans like the Whelp too.

Then it was the psycho march warden.

Faramir: So she tells him she’s going to miss him, and then calls him a psycho behind his back? *Is outraged.*

Now it's the freaky Lord and Lady of Caras Galadhon celebrating some sort of Cryptic Christmas day thing.

Fran: They were giving out farewell gifts. There is nothing freaky or cryptic about that.

This is just peachy.

Logan: I was thinkin’ that we could have fruit salad for dessert in our room, Cara, an’ we wouldn’t be usin’ bowls—

Faramir: Logan! If you must be dodgy, then at least keep it related to the spork!


-It's done! You can look now! –

Jack: What if I don’t wanna look?

I sighed and sat back in the boat. It's going to be days until we stop and rest.

Fran: I doubt even Aragorn could row for days without stopping.

Ten to one odds say that I'm gonna be bored out of my mind on this trip.

Ugh…

Logan: You could always drown yerself to alleviate the boredom.

This is gonna suck.

Faramir: I actually agree with the Sue on this one. :unsure:

a/n: well… there ya go… I'm sad to say that although I have the next chapter finished and waiting, I won't be updating for a while…I'm entering my senior year of high school come June and with it, come the college entrance exam reviews.. so I really gotta concentrate on those things if I want to pass the no. 1 college here in the Philippines…so I'm sorry… I won't be updating in a while.. I will however continue to work on the chapters afterwards whenever I have time and will update whenever possible. In the meantime, why don't you submit me more rebiews? It would be highly appreciated and I would get the drive to update more if I get more reviews…

Faramir: Everybody! Don’t review!

toodles!

c",) shadow08

Logan: What the hell is that demented emoticon supposed to be?

Fran: Given the randomness of this entire chapter, I’m not even surprised by the weird emoticon.

Faramir: Is it over?

Jack: Our chapter is. Now, who wants a drink?

*They leave.*


Review here.
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Xaja Silversheen
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King of Nothing
The team was taking a much-deserved break from “Allena of Rivendell” on board the Death Star when suddenly, much to everyone's chagrin, the long-dreaded sirens and red strobe lights went off. Obi-Wan jumped a mile from where he'd been meditating in the corner. “What the-!”

“Mate, you just shattered any ideas I had about Jedi calm,” snorted Darry.

Xaja promptly smacked Darry upside the head. “So says the greaser that scribbled a Sharpie over the escape plans when the sirens went off! Now we have to re-draw that!”

Glorfindel leaned over Darry's shoulder, examining the ruined plans. “I dunno. I don't think we'd be able to escape the Death Star by attacking the clones with bananas.”

Xaja scowled fiercely at the Elf Lord. “Never underestimate the power of bananas, especially when combined with duct tape and pipe weed.”

Pippin hugged his pipe closer to him. “I don't think I want to know what you were going to use my pipe weed for in that escape plan. But we'd better get to the theatre.”

With great reluctance, the team marched off to the theatre. To their surprise, Darth Vader himself was waiting for them, a notepad in hand. To Obi-Wan, it seemed as if the Sith Lord was... giddy? Nah, thought Obi-Wan. The only way he'd be that happy would be if EE or Angey updated.

“I have a new assignment for you, my lovely prisoners,” said Vader. If it were possible for the cyborg Sith to grin, Obi-Wan was sure he would have been doing so. “My friend Mastermind gave me a ring a couple of weeks ago, reporting what your friend Tel calls a HorriFic.”

“Yay.” muttered Xaja sarcastically.

“Shush, you,” retorted Vader. “Now, normally Mastermind's team would be handling this on their own. However, this is the HorriFic that drove your friend Refie into a coma.”

“Ouch,” winced Darry.

“It sent Ariel and her team up the wall.”

“Oi,” remarked Xaja.

“It drove DD and her crew even crazier than usual.”

“That's possible?” asked Glorfindel.

“And Fran's team... Well, let's not expand on what happened to them, particularly to poor Lord Faramir.”

Pippin cringed.

“And you're giving it to us?!” protested Obi-Wan.

“For at least one chapter,” said Vader, and now the glee was even coming across through his robotic voice. “It is called, “Stuck in Middle-Earth!”, done by one shadow08, who may be the next Phantom's Ange.”

Xaja's jaw dropped. “She's... worse than EE?!”

Vader just laughed evilly. “Into the theatre with you!” With that, the Sith Lord marched off as the team reluctantly went into the theatre.

“Maybe we should have asked for time to write our wills,” muttered Pippin as the screen began to light up.

a/n: hey de hi de ho! Yes, I do realize I just jacked that from CCs, my sister will kill me.

Darry: Could we be so lucky?

But anyways

Xaja: Oi! That's not even a proper word!

… I'm back with another chapter!

All: *monotone* Yay.

Isn't that spectacular?

Obi-Wan: I'm celebrating on the inside.

Aren't you just so proud of me?

Glorfindel: No.

see

Xaja: *jaw drops* She didn't capitalize that!
Pippin: *groans* And so it starts...

I was watching the extended version of the two towers

Xaja: CAPITALIZE IT!

again last night and I thought, 'why not give them another chapter?' after all school's going back up again, and I won't be able to for a while, as I've said before.

Darry: Could a while mean, forever?
Xaja: *twitch*

So here it is, it's not so very long but it's decent enough…I think…and shall hitherto serve as my farewell to summer.

All: *snort*
Glorfindel: The only way it would be decent enough would be if it were never written.

-Sam-


Pippin: Sam! My favourite gardener!
Obi-Wan: *looks at the synopsis left behind from the other teams* Uh, evidently Sue #1's name is Samantha.
Xaja: Wait- there's multiple Sues?!
Darry: *looks over Obi-Wan's shoulder* Did Thranduil write out his will on that?
Glorfindel: *looks* Yep. Hey, how come he didn't leave me anything?


You know if Amon Hen were any prettier, I would forget someone dies here.

Darry: The Sue?
Xaja: That needs a comma. *eyes narrow*


And we can't have that can we?

Obi-Wan: We could if it was you who died, Sue.

So, here we are, waiting for the cover of darkness. Or at least that's what Aragorn says, I think.

All: *snort* You think?

I sit down and watch as Legolas whispers something urgently to Aragorn.

Pippin: *as Legolas* Dude, did you know we have a Sue in our midst?
Obi-Wan: *as Aragorn* Yeah... I think she's another Leggie-luster too, if the fact that she's staring at you is any indication.
Pippin: *as Legolas* Dammit!


Ah, that would be the drama. That poor pet has seen the Uruk-hai.

All: Bwah?

God, if he were any prettier, I'd be hurting him. Badly.

Glorfindel: If you were any stupider, we'd be killing you. Slowly and brutally.
Pippin: From the sounds of it, she can't get any stupider though.
Glorfindel: Right. Let's just kill her.
Xaja: Can I start by growing bamboo through her?


Yes, I am babbling. Somebody shut my brain up.

Obi-Wan: *ignites lightsabre* With pleasure.
Darry: She has a brain?


I notice Carmi watching the scene and notice for the first time that she had a bow strapped to her back.

Pippin: Who's Carmi?
Darry: *reading synopsis* Sue #3, who is evidently Sue #1's worst enemy. Sue #2 was sent back to Earth. *under breath* Thankfully.


Hmm… my observational skills are shot.

Obi-Wan: You must be aware of your surroundings, and not just of a certain Elf prince.
Glorfindel: I marvel that Legolas hasn't been permanently locked in an asylum. He'll go mad from all the Sues he meets.
Pippin: Poor guy.


Legolas stomps over to me and sits down.

All: ...
Glorfindel: Okay, Legolas might be young for an Elf, but he's not going to throw a temper tantrum like that!


Aww, he's pissed the poor petal.

Xaja: I'd be pissed too if I were stuck so close to Sues like you, b*tch.
Pippin: And being called a 'petal'. That's a name for a Hobbit lass!


"What's eating you honeychild?" I ask yawning.

All: :blink:
Darry: She just called Legolas WHAT?


"What?" he asks frowning.

Darry: Seems Legolas agrees with me.

"What's your problem?" I ask rephrasing my question.

Pippin: YOU.
Xaja: Needs a comma. *growls*
*The guys warily edge away from Xaja*


"It is nothing." He answers.
I shrug. Hey, whatever. By the way, do you know how hard it is to sleep with an elf and a dwarf on a tiny boat?

Pippin: Random much?
Darry: With both of them at the same time? I can imagine that'd be- OW! *rubs arm where Glorfindel smacked him*
Obi-Wan: *snorts* I doubt even Gimli the Un-Fangirled would want to- OUCH! *Glorfindel smacks him too*
Glorfindel: *in Scary Elf-Lord Mode* Shut up. NOW.


There's my point right there. It ain't a walk in the park let me tell you that.

Xaja: And suffering through this is?
Darry: *mutters something about Dwarvish endurance, as based off 'OFUM', but shuts up when Glorfindel glares at him*


You're going to have muscle cramps all over the place;

*Darry, Obi-Wan and Xaja look like they're about to make several dodgy comments until Glorfindel glares down all three of them*

I don't think my neck will ever feel the same again.

*Darry bursts out laughing*
*Xaja does the Awkward Turtle*
*Glorfindel facepalms*
Pippin: Dear Valar, she's even worse with the dirty subliminal messaging than EE!


I need sleep so badly… but I can't. There's too much to do. Maybe I can get a few hours in at Rohan, after Helm's deep.

All: WHAT THE HELL?!
Xaja: Not even Legolas could stay awake all the way from Amon Hen to Helm's Deep! And that's 'Deep' with a CAPITAL 'D'!


Holy copper kettle, this is gonna be a long trek…

All: :blink:

OoO

Pippin: What the Udun is that supposed to be?
Obi-Wan: *shrugs*


Shit!

Darry: Mind your language!
Glorfindel: So speaks the thug from Oklahoma.


That stupid, stupid Elf!

Pippin: Huh. Maybe this isn't a Legomance after all...

I specifically told him to shake me awake if I ever fall asleep,

Xaja: What is he, your personal servant?
Darry: More like a personal sex slave if this Sue gets her way- OWW! Glorfy, leave my ear alone!
Glorfindel: Idiot greaser.


but what does he do?
Yeah, he let's me have a snooze fest.

Pippin: Oh, it's quite logical. See, the longer you're asleep, the better his chances of being able to murder you without you fighting back. It makes perfect sense.

I look around and swear when I saw that we were missing my brother, a hobbit-slash-ringbearer and king traitor beard.

All: Bwah?
Darry: There's a Stu here too?! *headchairs*
Pippin: Hobbit-SLASH-ringbearer? *twitches*
Xaja: Unless she's referring to some sick, demented Hobbit!pairing with Frodo, I think she's talking just about the Ringbearer. With a capital 'R'.
Obi-Wan: Who's 'king traitor beard'?
Glorfindel: If she's talking about Aragorn... *growls*


Oh, fiddlesticks!
Shit!

Xaja: You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Stupid nancing Elf! Can't even follow a simple direction.

Obi-Wan: *snorts* Why would he when it's coming from a Sue like you?

I stand up, ignoring the way my vision spins.
I blink; bollocks this is going to be difficult.

Pippin: Punctuation is your friend, shadow08.
Xaja: The PPC, on the other hand...


"Samantha?" a voice asks, concernedly. Said voice walks over to me and places a hand gently on my cheek.

*Darry opens his mouth. Glorfindel glares. Darry shuts mouth*
Obi-Wan: Voices can walk? And have hands?
Xaja: Man, Middle-earth is stranger than I'd thought.


"Are you alright?"
I nod. "Of course sunshine."

Pippin: Voices have names too?

He looks at me, eyebrows raised. "Truly?"

Darry: And eyebrows, by the sounds of it.
Glorfindel: I think shadow08's talking about a person here.
Xaja: Very helpful, considering that we aren't even given a name besides 'sunshine'.


I smile. "Yeah." Then I run. I run helter-skelter

Xaja: *hums the U2 rendition of the Beatles' song*

through the forest, ignoring all the branches and leaves that were scratching my skin.

Pippin: Where's an Ent when you need one? Or even a Huron?

I tear through the trees and bushes and finally reach the clearing to see Aragorn, alone.
"Sam?" he says surprised. "What're you doing here?"

Obi-Wan: *as Sam* F****** stalking you. What else?
Glorfindel: Good grief, Kenobi!
Obi-Wan: *innocently* I'm trying to stay in the Sue's character here!


"Frodo." I say desperately. "Where's Frodo?" he points somewhere. "Did you let him go?"

Xaja: *twitches and whimpers at the crappy grammar*

"How do you know about that?" he asks frowning. "How do you know of our conversation?"

Obi-Wan: *as Sam* I told you, I was stalking you!
Darry: You forgot the mandatory cussing, Kenobi.
Obi-Wan: *shrugs*


"Tell me! Did you or did you not let him go on to Mordor alone?" I ask, well actually I yelled, but we won't get into that.

Xaja: *whimpers*
Pippin: Breathe, 'Za.


"Yes, I did." He says eyes cast downward.

*OOC sirens go off*
Glorfindel: *yelps* Ow! My ears!


I breathe out a sigh of relief and was just about to collapse on a rock when the blasted Uruk-hai decided that that was the best time to make an entrance.

Darry: *as Uruk-hai #1* Great, we'll get the Sue while she's down.
Pippin: *as Uruk-hai #2* What about the Heir of Elendil?
Darry: *as Uruk-hai #1* Eh, he's not that bothersome. The Sue's the one that's gonna muck up Middle-earth worse than Sauron will.


Crap, crap, crap!
I bring Keiko out

All: What the f***?!
Pippin: Who's Keiko?


and rush forward with Aragorn and start hacking apart the beasties.
I gut a particularly nasty looking one and pull the blade out sideways through him.

Xaja: Ugh. This writing in present tense is driving me up the bloody wall!

Ooh, score one for decapitation!

Pippin: Sure, if you're the one being decapitated.
Obi-Wan: Um, that's not decapitation. Decapitation is when you cut someone's head off. Cutting someone in half like that is just called... cutting someone in half. And it wouldn't be very easy with a Middle-earth weapon, considering how much the blade would have to cut through.
Darry: You did it.
Obi-Wan: I have a lightsabre, which is far superior. *grins*
Xaja: Maybe the Sue has a lightsabre...
Obi-Wan: *snarls*
Others: *edges away from Obi-Wan*


Sometimes, I think I am just way too sadistic for my own good.

Xaja: You want sadistic? You oughta wait to see what'll happen if I ever get my hands on you! First, I know of a way to make bamboo grow through a person in only a couple of days. Not to mention what I can do with waxing strips, hot oil, Tabasco sauce, ice cubes, Styrofoam, tweezers, bananas, tattoo needles, duct tape, your funny-bone, lemon juice, coffee, shurikens, raw eggs, pliers, Miley Cyrus, branding irons, Obi-Wan's lightsabre, jumper cables and that fine art of Chinese Water Torture. *grim, evil chuckle*
Guys: *edge away from Xaja, wide-eyed*


I can hear Aragorn calling out.

Glorfindel: Good to know her ears are working, even if her brain isn't.

I haven't the inclination or the capability to listen to him.

Glorfindel: I take back my previous comment.

I mean, you're out numbered ten-to-one

Darry: She had time to get actual statistics?

by Orcs

All: URUK-HAI!

would you wanna listen to anything besides orders of pulling back?

Pippin: I'd rather listen to ANYONE but you, Sue.

Nuh-uh, you'd be way too busy tearing the enemy apart limb from limb. Besides, I have other priorities.

Glorfindel: How can she be thinking of getting it on with Legolas in the middle of a battle?!
Others: *stare at Glorfindel*
Darry: Did you just make a dodgy-ish comment?
Glorfindel: ... No?


Then suddenly, I hear it.

Pippin: The PPC, coming to take her away and murder her brutally for all the canon-raping she's doing.

"The Horn of Gondor." Legolas says from somewhere behind me.

Obi-Wan: No, Legolas. If you're going to kill the Sue from behind, you aren't supposed to let her know you're there.

"Boromir." I gasp. I sheath Keiko

Glorfindel: *incredulous* She named a sword 'Keiko'?

and run for all I'm worth.

Darry: Which is to say, none.

'Please let me be on time.' I chant in my head.

Pippin: *a la the Hare from 'Alice in Wonderland'* I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date-OW! *Xaja smacks him*

I arrive in the clearing and saw all the Uruks that lay maimed and mangled at Boromir's feet.

Glorfindel: Uruk-hai corpses are all well and good, but why couldn't they be Sue corpses?
Xaja: Particularly corpses of the one named Sam?
Glorfindel: *nods*


Hmm… guess he wasn't the captain of Gondor's armies for nothing.

Obi-Wan: I get succumbing to the Ring, but why a Sue, Boromir?

The one last Uruk standing held a crossbow and was about to fire what was to be the fourth and lethal shot.

Xaja: Hey! There were way more Uruk-hai than just the one!
Pippin: Where are Merry and I during all this?
Others: *shrug*


I pulled out a blade from my boot and jumped onto its back.

Xaja: *screams*
Darry: Gah! Tense change!


What? Don't look at me like that. It's rude.

Glorfindel: *snorts* You're hardly one to talk, Sue.
Obi-Wan: Pot, meet Kettle.


He bucked and reared, trying to get me off.

All: *cheer for the Uruk*

He almost did actually. Getting scalped by a tree is a very unpleasant sensation; don't try it any time soon.

Xaja: Oooh! Scalping by tree. Must add that to my list of torture methods.
Obi-Wan: After we see if we can shave a Sue with a lightsabre?
Xaja: Exactly.


I reached forward, blade in my hand and slashed him deeply across the throat. Then grasping his hair with all the strength I could manage after being hit again, bastard.

Glorfindel: Damn. I liked this Uruk.

I twist

Xaja: *screams*
Pippin: Bloody tense changes! Argh!


his head around three hundred and sixty degrees,

All: AS IF!

hearing the sickening crack of the bones as I did so. Then he falls to the floor and dies.

Glorfindel: As if a little Sue with no strength to speak of could do that! Pardon me for sounding like a Vulcan, but it just isn't logical!

I hear a noise from somewhere

Darry: A ninja sent to kill her?
Xaja: Nah. Ninjas don't make that much noise. Maybe it's the PPC.


and more snarls.

Obi-Wan: I didn't think the PPC snarled though...

Peachy! More Uruks!

Darry: Well, 'peachy' isn't the word I'd have used...
Xaja: *growls* I wonder if she knows she's ruining a song by one of my favourite bands.
Glorfindel: Not Skillet?
Xaja: I don't obsess over Skillet that much! *beat* Well, maybe a bit...


I swear loudly

Pippin: This Sue's got a swearing problem worse than a pirate.

and stand up from where I had fallen with the crossbow-wielding Uruk-hai I had just killed.

Glorfindel: I'm inclined to think the Uruk killed itself rather than deal with the Sue.
Darry: Poor guy.


I run over to Boromir who, miraculously, is still standing and can still fight.

Pippin: With three arrows in his body? Are you flippin' joking me?!
Obi-Wan: The poor guy couldn't fight very much after the third arrow hit him, and that wound's had enough time to bleed. He wouldn't be fighting at all now.


"Are you alright?" I scream over the noise of these monstrosities were killing.

Xaja: *twitches*
Darry: I'm guessing her voice is even shriller than Xaja's- OW! *Xaja smacks him*


He nods mutely and continues to hack apart the Orcs that seem to keep streaming endlessly,

Glorfindel: Orcs stream?
Pippin: Oi! Those weren't Orcs, they were Uruk-hai! Get it right!


until we hear the call of "Elendil!" from the distance. Aragorn, thank you for finally deciding to join us.

Xaja: Newsflash, honey: Aragorn does not serve at your beck and call!
Obi-Wan: *mutters some very derogatory terms at the Sue*


Suddenly, Boromir staggers; I behead an orc and run over to him.

Pippin: HEY! If you're going to use 'Orc', than at least bloody capitalize it!

There is an arrow in his side.

All: Well, DUH!!

There is not supposed to be a bloody arrow in his bloody side!

Xaja: *sputtering with fury* Has shadow08 not watched the damn movies or read the frickin' books?! Boromir gets SHOT, and the only thing to shoot people with in Middle-earth would be bows and arrows! Of COURSE there's going to be a damn arrow in him!!
Obi-Wan: *headchairs*
Darry: Considering the arrows that the Uruk-hai shot at him would have drawn blood, the arrows WOULD have been bloody and so would his side. So it's completely logical.


I let out a stream of obscenities as I examine the arrow.

Darry: She should go into counselling for that swearing problem she has.

That's no orc arrow.

All: Captialize 'Orc'!

That's an arrow from the Galadhrim's weaponry.

Obi-Wan: Are you so surprised? Galadriel finally realized that it would be better for all involved if you were dead, Sue.
Glorfindel: Hmm. Elves usually have better aim.


The little bitch!

All: *holler in outrage*
Glorfindel: *alternately swearing in English and every dialect of Elvish that he knows* YOU !E$^&%@ DID NOT !(#@% CALL THE WHITE LADY A !%$^$@ BITCH, YOU !(%!(&$ N(~@#%~ !~@#)%~^-
*A clone trooper medic races into the theatre and gives Glorfindel a shot that knocks him out cold before fleeing*
Xaja: NO! Take us with you!- Dammit!
*The conscious team members reluctantly turn back to the screen*


I stand up, seething.

Pippin: At your own stupidity, you damn Sue? *glares*

"Aragorn, get those arrows out of Boromir and bind him tightly in bandages." I tell him firmly. "If my brother dies, I'll kill you until you die."

Xaja: *growls* He's a f****** healer, you bitch. He knows what to do a hell of a lot better than you!
*With a roar, Obi-Wan tries to attack the screen with his lightsabre. However, the burns on the screen self-repair, much to his chagrin*
Vader: *from speakers* Leave the screen alone, Padawan Kenobi, or I'll find a slash pairing with you in it.
*Obi-Wan returns to his seat and sulks in a very non-Jedi manner*


Not wasting time to make sure he understood exactly what it is I said, I ran for it. I headed for the direction the arrow came from.

Pippin: How the #*@%^ would you know which direction the arrow came from, Sue?! Boromir could have twisted or something. That arrow could have come from anywhere?
Darry: Impressive though the Elves' archery may be, I doubt that someone could shoot from Lothlorien and hit Boromir. *grumbles*


I took in nothing, none of the tree or the leaves, or the roots and twigs that caused me to stumble and slip.

All: Idiot.

It was just that white light that I knew would take me to Carmi.

All: Wha?

I was driven by anger and nothing could deter me, I had to find Carmi…

Xaja: *growls* Needs. A Period. Not. A Comma.

if only to hurt her enough for shooting the only family I had here.

Pippin: Right, so someone remind me when Boromir became enough of an idiot to 'adopt' this bitch of a Sue.
*crickets chirp*
Pippin: That's what I thought.


I finally find her near the ruins where Frodo fell.

Obi-Wan: These Sues can smell each other coming from a mile away. It's very reminiscent of low-life animal species.

Now that I think about it, it makes sense for her to go there, Aragorn and the others have already killed off the Uruks that came there so it's practically the safest place in Amon Hen.

All: Say WHAT?
Pippin: Um, the Uruk-hai have legs and can move around. Who's to say they wouldn't have gone back to the Seat?


She turns to me and glares. I smirk unpleasantly at her and grip Keiko closer to my side.

Xaja: Oh, I sense a bitch-fight soon to occur!
Darry: Anyone placing bets?


"Come here to avenge the Steward Sammie?" she says spitefully.

All: *scratch heads*
Pippin: There's a Steward named Sammie?
Obi-Wan: *pales* Force forbid that the Sue becomes the Steward!
Darry: I thought Denethor was the Steward though...
Xaja: So why does he need to be avenged? He doesn't die until Book Three!


"I don't see what difference it makes, if he dies, he dies."

Pippin: Aye, he goes mad and burns himself to death after Faramir nearly dies.
Obi-Wan: I think she's talking about Boromir here...
Darry: So, she's sorta kinda protecting canon, even as she violates it?


I stay silent.

Obi-Wan: Maybe yelling orders at a very competent healer and soon-to-be-King robbed her of her voice.

"I warned you not to get in my way. The Elf is mine. Nothing you can do can make it otherwise."

All: *groan* TWO Leggie-lusters?
Xaja: So it's going to be a bitch-fight over Legolas? Forget avenging Boromir.
Darry: Poor Legolas.


This time I grin; it's unpleasant I know this.

Xaja: *twitches*
Obi-Wan: Anything you do is unpleasant, Sue.


"That's where you're wrong Carmi. By my interference or not, you can't kill Boromir

Pippin: YES SHE CAN! Boromir has to die to redeem himself for what he did to Frodo! You can't interfere with canon as decreed by the Lord of Oxford, Tolkien himself!
Xaja: I couldn't have said it better myself, Pip.


because I won't let you,

Darry: Tolkien would cry if he saw what you did to this, Sue.
Obi-Wan: Hell, I think Jackson would cry as well.
Darry: Tru dat.
Xaja: And let us not forget poor Orlando Bloom.
*All wince*


and if he does die, you're gonna wish you are too.

Pippin: We wish BOTH of you would die!
Xaja: I think Boromir would prefer death over having to claim even adoptive relation to you, Sue.


And as for the Elf?

Darry: Um, the Elf does have a name, you know.
Obi-Wan: Speaking of Elves... *looks at Glorfindel* Is he still supposed to be out?
Vader: *from speakers* Let it not be said that I am not a merciful Sith Lord. He'll be out for at least another page.
Xaja: Could you have us knocked out too?
Vader: I'm not that merciful. Back to sporking!


Fat chance, he heard you. And it looks like your genetic ignorance has won through."

All: Bwah?
Obi-Wan: Look who's talking, Sue. Your own intelligence isn't that impressive.


She looked at me confused, yes; sadly I do have that effect on people.

Pippin: The spork team identifies with Sue #3. *beat* Briefly.
Xaja: *screams into her fist from the shotty grammar and bad tense change*
Darry: Feel better?
Xaja: No.


Her, more than most at least.

Xaja: *yelps*

"You used a Galadhrim arrow.

Pippin: *sarcastically* Oh, good job, Sue. You figured it out!
Obi-Wan: I still think it was a Galadhrim assassin who was aiming for Sue #1 and missed.


And there's only one other person here who has a bow other than Legolas."

Xaja: Excuse me? Aragorn has a bow too, idiot!

She looks apprehensive now, if I were in her shoes, I'd be shaking.

Darry: *sarcastically* Oh my gosh, I'm so scared of the Sue!
Xaja: Hey, I'm the one that's mastered the Scary Ninja Look of Doom(tm). Not you, Sue!


You do not mess with those guys.

All: What guys?

They may act all macho and stuff but they have a right to, they're excellent warriors.

Xaja: This Suethor makes no sense.
Glorfindel: *wakes up* Ugh... *sees the sentence on the screen and twitches* Can I have another shot of whatever that was?
Vader: No. Get back to sporking.


"That's right Carmi, the charade is over. If you come anywhere near one of them now, they'll kill you." I said in a taunting voice.

Darry: Like what we'll do to you if we ever get a hold of you?
Xaja: Or like what the real Fellowship would do to you if they were in character?


She let out a scream that blamed me for ruining everything.

Xaja: Tense change! Argh!
Glorfindel: Impressive scream, Sue.


She swings a sword at my head.

Xaja: And again!! *screams*

I duck.

All: Damn.

I hear the singing of the air as I narrowly avoid another blow. I bring Keiko up to block her next swing. She snarls at me and pushes on the sword. Suddenly, she whips a dagger from somewhere and buries it into my shoulder.

All: *cheer*

I recoil visibly.

Obi-Wan: How the hell would she know it was a visible recoil? She can't see herself!

Oww! That fucking hurts!

All: Awww, poor baby...

I stagger and lean on Keiko for balance.

Glorfindel: IDIOT! You do NOT use a sword to lean on! *seethes*

"That dagger is laced with poison Samantha."

All: *cheer again*

She tells me grinning broadly. "It's fresh. I just made it from the mushrooms in the forest.

All: WHAT THE HELL?!

You'll die a slow and painful death within twenty-four hours.

Xaja: I like the slow and painful death part...
Glorfindel: But how the hell would she know it would be within twenty-four hours?
Darry: There are snake poisons that kill you before you before you take three steps! Who's to say this mushroom poison wouldn't kill within a similar time frame?
Pippin: *mournfully* Waste of a good mushroom.
Obi-Wan: I wonder if these were hallucinogenic 'shrooms- OW! *is smacked by Glorfindel*


I warned you, and if I can't have the Elf, no one can."

All: Brat.

My vision span as she turned and ran.

All: Coward.

God, this dagger hurts. I bend over and spill my guts on a dead Uruks' head.

Glorfindel: Why defile the Uruk's body with your guts?

She has to be lying. Mushrooms can't do anything. Can they?

All: Idiot.
Xaja: Wasn't Lewis Carroll on 'shrooms when he wrote 'Alice in Wonderland'?
Darry: I thought that was the Beatles that were on 'shrooms all the time.
Obi-Wan: *shrugs* They were all on drugs at some point.


Ugh! Don't tell me the poison is already taking effect. I can't breathe…

Xaja: *sadistic grin*
Darry: Asthma's a sad thing to have... Not that I'm complaining that you seem to have it, mind. *smirks*


I somehow manage to sheath Keiko and wipe my mouth.
I move to turn around and head back to the clearing where the others were.

Pippin: With a poison in her bloodstream that's already rendering her unable to breathe?
Obi-Wan: As if.
Glorfindel: I get the feeling we're saying those two words far too much in our spork sessions... *sighs*


When I finally manage it, I find my face buried in a chest clad in dark-brown leather.

Darry: She left her face behind when she went to go fight?
Xaja: Evidently detachable faces are the newest fashion for Sues.


"Legolas…" I gasp out.

All: *roll eyes*
Glorfindel: Of course it's Legolas. Who else would it be?


How does he manage to do that?
It's like, every time I turn around, he's there… protecting me, watching…

Obi-Wan: Stalking...

"What has happened?" he asks, moving to yank the dagger out of my shoulder. I wince and slap his hands away. It's painful.

Pippin: Well, maybe we WANT you to feel pain, Sue!

"Ow, don't do that! It fucking hurts!"

Xaja: Oh, stuff it, you big baby.

"What happened Sam?" he repeats.
"She got away. Carmi got away." I say angrily, or at least as angrily as I could when my head keeps exploding in little big bang scenarios.

All: *re-read*
Darry: Little Big Bang scenarios... Wha?


"She stabbed me with this dagger and ran off."
He swears, ooh it's not pleasant.

All: *snort*
Pippin: You're hardly one to talk, with your own expansive vocabulary, bitch.


Where'd he learn such language? I would've expected that from Haldir while he's defending the borders.

Glorfindel: Okay, unless the Sue speaks fluent Elvish, she wouldn't be able to tell if he's swearing. For all she knows, he could be celebrating that she's wounded.
Xaja: In which dialect?
Glorfindel: Exactly.
Pippin: Why do they assume Haldir's got a complete truckers' mouth? He was actually a very nice, fairly polite Elf. Much more so than these Sues.


"Can you walk Sam?" he asks moving towards me.
I nod.
Whoo boy, I think we both know I'm lying.

Obi-Wan: Which is... constantly?

He arches an eyebrow gracefully.

All: *roll eyes*
Glorfindel: Because Legolas never does anything ungracefully, nooooo.


I glare at him and walk forward.

Darry: No, you walk backwards.
Pippin: Not sideways?


Dammit!
Yeah, in case you don't know yet, I failed.

Xaja: *snorts* We coulda told you that a long time ago, hunny.

I'm utterly pathetic.

Obi-Wan: You are, there's no denying it. You and all your Sue-kind.

Imagine, something as little as poison seeping through my veins and already I'm worthless.

Glorfindel: You were worthless to start with.
Darry: Hey! Three-step Adder! That's a little bit of poison that kills within three steps!


This is peachy.

Xaja: *sings* Now I feel so fine, and I feel so peachy!
Pippin: You're singing something that isn't Skillet?
Xaja: I love Family Force 5 too! Shut up!


Just peachy.

Darry: You think she has a small obsession with peaches?
Glorfindel: *sarcastically* Naaaw, d'ya think?


Legolas gives an exasperated sigh. "Sam you are truly one of the most stubborn stupid people I have ever met."

Pippin: NOW I agree with him. *puts down keyboard*
Xaja: He almost sounds in-character!


I huffed at him as he picked me up. He rolled his eyes at me and exhaled.

Glorfindel: *quickly grabs earplugs*
Xaja: TENSE CHANGE! *screams*
Obi-Wan: *rubbing his ears* Better than inhaling. He could absorb the Sue-disease through the air. I've heard it's contagious.


"We must get you back to the others."
I stayed silent but a thought struck me.

Xaja: *as thought* Take that! And that!
Pippin: *as Sue in an annoying nasal tone* Owww, stop that, stop that!
Glorfindel: Wait, she had a thought?


"Legolas?" I murmured feeling a sudden weight on me.

All: Bwah?
Darry: Maybe it's a new invention of the PPC's, to invisibly crush the Sue.


"Yes?"
"B-Boromir…wh-where is he?"

Obi-Wan: Aww, the poor Sue's got a s-s-stutter.

I stumbled over the words. "H-he's ok isn't he? I-I did manage to save him d-didn't I?"

Pippin: No. He would have died from the three arrows already in him.

"Yes Sam," he answered putting me down gently. "Aragorn has tended to his wounds."

All: NO HE DIDN'T!
Xaja: Aragorn would not have had time to save Boromir! WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE, SHADOW08! Boromir would not have survived!


"Th-That's good." I said smiling, or trying to anyway.

Darry: *freezes*
Obi-Wan: What is it?
Darry: I can hear Tolkien spinning in his grave at the death of canon.
Glorfindel: *listens* Yes, I hear it too...


"What has happened?" came another voice. It was Aragorn.
Legolas took him aside and spoke to him in elvish.

Glorfindel: 'Elvish', with capitalization!

The two came back beside me and Aragorn turned to Legolas. "You had better hold her down."
"What?" I asked frowning in confusion.

Pippin: So Aragorn can do us all a favour and finish you off.

Legolas however seemed to understand whatever it was Aragorn was saying

Xaja: Because he can understand the Common Tongue, idiot.

because he quickly walked behind me and put his arms around me.
"Hey!" I cried trying to struggle. "What the hell is going on?"

Obi-Wan: Wait a minute, I thought most Sues were trying to get Legolas to hug them or seomthing like that.
Darry: Well, kinda. It's a precursor to- OW!
Glorfindel: Shut it.


Aragorn bent down and quickly wrenched the dagger out of my shoulder.

Xaja: I wonder if he threw in an extra twist of the knife for added pain? *is lost in happy thoughts*

"OUCH!"I howled. "Fuck, fuck, fuck! That hurts!"

All: Aww, poor baby.

Suddenly Aragorn threw away the dagger, a look of disgust on his face.

Darry: No wonder! It was contaminated with Sue!

"What is it?" Boromir asks standing up from a corner.

Xaja: *screams from yet another tense change*
Others: *growl*
Pippin: He's SUPPOSED to be DEAD!


He's all bandaged up and looks like every move hurts like a bitch.

Glorfindel: Granted, it would hurt like hell... But he would not be conscious, even if he had survived! And NOT standing!

"Poisoned." Aragorn states. "The dagger has been poisoned."

Xaja: The only reason I'm not on shadow08's case for that is because Aragorn was an expert Ranger and a professional healer. He probably would have been able to tell.
Obi-Wan: But if the dagger was covered in the Sue's blood and whatever else?
Xaja: *eyes narrow* Good point.
Glorfindel: I wouldn't be surprised if the Sue's blood was urple and sparkly.


This time Gimli and Boromir swear.
I rest my head onto a large rock behind me and hold onto my arm, which now felt like it was being sawed in half.

Xaja: *snaps fingers* Kenobi, add that to our List of Sadistic and Cruel Torture Methods for Sues!
Obi-Wan: *writing* Sawing... limbs... off. Got it!


I could feel the tears roll down my cheeks from the pain.

All: Wimp.

Isn't there some sort of anaesthetic here that they could use?

Pippin: Nope. We GENUINE Middle-earthlings are as tough as nails. *smirks*

God I'd be glad for any kind of medicine right now, as long as I live and it stops the pain.

Darry: Well, we can make the pain end. Whether you live is a different story.
Xaja: No, Darry, you've got it all wrong. We're supposed to make them WISH they were going to die. *rubs hands together gleefully*


Why do I feel like I've forgotten something?

Obi-Wan: Like, your brain?
Glorfindel: Nah. She had no brain to start with.


'Do not forget your training child...'

Glorfindel: The only training she would have paid attention to would have been anything to do with Legolas.

Thanks Hal,

All: Bwah?
Xaja: Who's Hal?
Obi-Wan: *grabs synopsis* Hookay, 'Hal' is the Sue's nickname for Haldir,
Pippin: *jaw drops* She's giving canon characters nicknames?
Obi-Wan: D'ya want to hear what she called Galadriel?
Glorfindel: *growls*
Darry: Eh, no. But I get the feeling you'll tell us anyway.
Obi-Wan: Trust your instincts, greaser. 'Gala'.
*Glorfindel starts vehemently swearing in Elvish again*


I didn't. But look where it got me.

Xaja: Dead?
Pippin: If that was the training Haldir gave her, to die, I think he became even cooler.
Darry: But what are the odds?


No…it's something else…
Owie… it really hurts…

All: *mockingly* Poor baby!

I'm gonna go snooze; maybe when I wake up I'll figure out what it is I'm forgetting.

Obi-Wan: Good Sue. Go to sleep and never wake up again! *evil laughter*
Darry: ... You okay, Kenobi?
Obi-Wan: *is the image of a perfect, demure Jedi Padawan, minus the slightly crazed look to his eyes* Yes. Why do you ask?
Darry: Er... No reason.


I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

Xaja: AAAAAARRR-Mmmph!
Glorfindel: Did anyone bring the duct tape?
*crickets chirp*
Glorfindel: Dammit. *to Xaja* No trying to bite me again. Are we clear?
Xaja: Mmmph. *scowls*


'The phial contains a healing serum that can heal almost anything...'

All: Who gave her that?!

I bolted upright suddenly wide-awake.

Obi-Wan: Damn.

Ignoring the renewed stabs of pain in my shoulder and the way my vision span dangerously.

Xaja: *twitches*

Damn, I think the poison is getting the better of me.

All: *cheering for the poison*

"Lie down lass," Gimli said grabbing my arm. "Yeh should be restin'."

Pippin: *ominously* And preparing to die. Mwahahahaha!

"N-no," I wheezed.

Darry: Damn, the asthma's getting worse. *sadistic grin*

"I just remembered I h-have a phial of something. C-Celeborn gave it t-to me.

All: NO, CELEBORN!
Glorfindel: Idiot. *grumbles*


S-said I might f-find some use f-for it."
They all looked at me as though fearing for my sanity.

Xaja: *removes Glorfindel's hand* Don't trouble yourselves, lads. She has none to speak of.

I stumbled towards my pack and drew out the phial given to me by the elf-lord.

Glorfindel: Shadow08, look at your keyboard. You will see two buttons, marked with either an upward arrow or the word 'Shift'. There is one under your caps lock button and another under the 'Enter' key. Use them at the beginning of proper nouns like 'Elf-Lord'!

Legolas eased it from my grasp and gently pushed me back into a sitting position.
"Mallorn." He said looking delighted.

Pippin: How would he be able to tell it came from a mallyrn tree?
Darry: And why would he be delighted that the Sue was going to live?
Obi-Wan: *hopefully* Maybe Celeborn lied and gave her a poison to make sure she would die?


"Sam, you must drink this. It will counter-act the poison of the mushroom."

Xaja: How the hell did he know it was mushrooms?!
Darry: Maybe the Sue was delusional- Wait, that's normal for her.
Glorfindel: Does Legolas not realize poisons can be made from almost anything? Roots, berries, certain leaves...


Honestly buddy boy, I don't care anymore, just make everything stop spinning and hurting.

Obi-Wan: *ignites lightsabre*
Xaja: Nah, that's too quick and painless.
Obi-Wan: Not if we skin her... *evil grin*


I swallowed a few gulps of the liquid and closed my eyes.

Pippin: ... And never opened them again! Haha!

----
Then suddenly, I opened them and blinked.

All: DAMMIT!

The pain is still there but I'm not on a roller coaster anymore.

Xaja: *whimpers pathetically*
Glorfindel: Hang on, Xaja! We're almost done!
Darry: You never were on a roller coaster. They do not have roller coasters in Middle-earth. *glares*


Everything is now staying blissfully in place and I don't feel like I just got hit by a rocket-launcher.

Obi-Wan: Enlighten me, Sue. How would you know what getting hit by a rocker launcher feels like?

Hooray!

All: *boo*

Legolas smiled at me

Pippin: 'Twas more of a grimace.

and gently placed a cool hand on my forehead.

Xaja: No, Legolas. Only Vulcans can meld minds. The only similarities they have with Elves is the pointy ears.

I looked at my shoulder and was surprised to see that it had been bandaged.

Darry: Aragorn didn't just let her bleed to death? Pity.

I didn't even feel it.
"It will be a pain for a while." He told me, putting back the phial into my pack.

Pippin: Because that sentence is completely logical for an Elvish Prince to say.
Glorfindel: Better would have been 'There will be pain for a while,' or something along those lines.


"Perhaps a few days of uncomfortable movement, but you shall be fine.

All: Unfortunately.

Especially since you have that potion."
I smiled back at him and stood up.
"Are you sure you are well enough to go about?" Boromir asks, seeing me.

Xaja: *shrieks, runs into a wall and KO's herself. The guys wince*

I nod and smile. "Yes mother.

Pippin: :blink: Is there something about Boromir that we need to know?

I'm sure. I'll be fine. I've got the spiffy potion from Lorien, I'll live."

Obi-Wan: Could we change that?
Darry: I didn't think Jedi were so bloodthirsty and sadistic...
Obi-Wan: Most don't have to deal with obnoxious fangirls or Sues. It's enough to drive anyone mad.
Darry: Well, no touching the Dark Side or anything. *looks over at Xaja to make sure she's still KO'd* Doesn't she have a crush on a Jedi who rocked up for three seconds as a hologram while Vader was killing him?
Obi-Wan: I claim not to know the ways of the fangirls.


He looked doubtful so Aragorn's call was welcome.

Darry: *twitches*
Others: *stare at him*
Darry: What? Xaja's still KO'd, so someone's gotta do it!


"We will not abandon Merry and Pippin to torment and death. Leave everything that can be spared behind. We travel light." He said sheathing one of his blades. "Let us hunt some Orc!"

Obi-Wan: Wait, they're going to take Boromir, who was just shot with four arrows and should be dead, on a run across Rohan?!
Pippin: Now the Sue we don't care about. But Boromir... *headchairs*


Instantly the determined looks were back in place

Darry: They'd been moved out of place?

and I'm sure there was a certain battle-hungry gleam in all their eyes.

Obi-Wan: Yes, they were all out for YOUR BLOOD!
Xaja: *wakes up* You are a scary Jedi, you know that?
Vader: Do you hear me arguing?


I picked up all the things I was likely to need and followed the others.

Darry: Dude, have you seen how heavy girls pack?
Xaja: HEY!


I hear Gimli laugh and roll my eyes.

Obi-Wan: Gimli rolled the Sue's eyes?
Glorfindel: Why not her head?


MEN!

Guys: FEMINIST!

a/n: there you have it!

Xaja: We're... we're done?
Vader: This chapter, anyway.
All: *groan*

Hope you appreciated that…

Pippin: If I'd wanted to lose brain cells and IQ points, then yes, I highly enjoyed this.

and I hope I don't get any flames for saving Boromir…

Obi-Wan: You deserve any flame you get.
Xaja: Actually... There weren't any flames until her second-last chapter. I was one of them.
All: WHAT THE-?!
Xaja: That's pretty much what I said!

anyhoo, don't forget to click the nifty purple button!

Darry: But... the button's green...
Glorfindel: The only thing I would click that button for would be to flame her.
Xaja: Can we just get out of here, please?!
All: *flee the theatre*


Reviews go here.
The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? ~Hebrews 13:6
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Maevainwen Adaniel
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Master of the Rings
When Mae came into the kitchen a few mornings later, Jareth and Erestor were sitting at the table and Jacques-Robert le Balrog de Morgoth (Bob the Balrog) was standing in the doorway, waiting for her. She sighed and sat down.
Bob smiled at the three people around the table. “I have decided to give you a break from sporking Clocks. . .”
Everyone sighed in relief, and then grinned when Jar Jar dragged himself through the door.
“Jar Jar!” Mae squealed, as she hugged him.
All the men in the room groaned, clapping their hands over their ears.
Jar Jar sat down and glared at Bob, “Hesa say mesa have to spork dis with yousas.”
Bob sighed, “I hadn’t quite finished my sentence. As I was going to say, I am giving you a break from sporking Clocks, as I have joined you in a Round Robin spork of Stuck in Middle Earth.”
When she heard the name of the fic, Mae screamed and started headwalling. Bob grinned and walked out of the room. Erestor turned to Mae,
“What is so bad about this ‘fic’?” He asked.
“You’ll see. It nearly killed Refie’s, Ariel’s, DD’s, Tel’s and Xaja’s teams”
Jareth replied, “I don’t think I want to know.”
Mae nodded as the Badfic alarm went off. The group made their way to the theatre, carrying Coffee, Chocolate and Miruvodka™. They scowled at the grinning Balrog by the door, and huddled at the back of the theatre.
A/n: I'm back!

All: DAMN!

Yay!

Mae: NOOOOO!!

I have already finished writing until chapter 14 so I might e posting

Erestor: How does one e post? Is it like e mailing?
Mae: *rolls her eyes* She meant BE posting.
Erestor: Oh.

every other week or so…

Jar Jar: Yousa really don’t have to worry bout dat. . .

but anyways, hope you enjoy this!

All: We’re sure we won’t!
Jareth: *clenching his teeth* Why do all the worst authors say that?!

Dedication: to my hamster Pepo;

All: Wha?
Erestor: Why did she italicize Hamster?
Jareth: So we don’t mistake him for her boy toy who goes by the same name, of course.
Erestor: *facepalms*

may he rest in peace wherever he now is. –sniff-

Mae: One minute of silence for Pepo the hamster, please.
*All are silent*

Chapter 12: and the testosterone award goes to….

Erestor: BOROMIR!
Jareth: HOGGLE!
Mae: EWWWWW!
Jar Jar: VADER!
Mae: BOB!!
All: :blink:
Mae: What? It never hurts to flatter an evil psychiatrist *Nods head wisely*
Bob: *sighs*

-Sam-

All: Uh. . .
Erestor: But I thought Sam was the sue. . .
Jar Jar: Unless shesa meanin’ Sam da Hobbit.
Jareth: She said he was a cute Hobbit, but I didn’t think she would give him the Testosterone award.
Mae: *muses* Unless Sam the Sue is a guy in disguise. . . Maybe she’s another Heskett Fanboy!
*All the males in the theatre retch*
Jar Jar: *looks Green* Dis isn’t turnin’ into a slash fic. . . is it?


Breathe in.

All: Wha?
Erestor: Or maybe the –Sam- referred to the POV. . .
*Everyone else heaves a sigh of relief*

Breathe out.

All: Okay. . .
Jar Jar: Is dis like da joke ‘bout da blond at the hairdresser?


Heave ho, heave ho.

Mae: *singing* Heave ho, heave ho, it’s off to work we go!
Jareth: *groans* Mae. . . face it, you can’t sing.
Mae: *pouts* Can too.
Erestor: You sound even worse than Jar Jar!
Jar Jar: OI!


Sorry, my brain is in serious need of rest right now.

Jar Jar: Mesas brain in serious need of therapy right now!

I've been having doubts of my own…

Erestor: *sarcastically* Did you finally realise that you belong in Arkham asylum, rather than Middle Earth?

I mean, what if my saving Boromir changes what happens to Merry and Pippin?

Mae: She saves Boromir?!? *Cries* this is already as bad as Clocks. . .
Jar Jar: *Shudders* Don’t talk ‘bout Clocks to mesa!!


What if my rashness ruins something and they die?

Erestor: :blink: She’s thinking?
Mae: Hopefully the effort will be too much for her tiny brain and she will implode.
Jareth: *fervently* Amen to that!


"Their pace has quickened... they must have caught our scent.

Jar Jar: No shit, Sherlock

Hurry!" Aragorn called pressing his ear to the ground.

Mae: And his eye into the branches of a tree, and his heart onto a desert island where it was promptly turned into a football by the resident cannibals.
Jareth: *Worriedly* Are you alright Mae?
Mae: No.


"Come on, Gimli." Legolas calls

Jar Jar: GAH! NOT A FREAKING TENSE CHANGE!!!

to the dwarf behind him and run off.

Jar Jar: *Angrily* So Gimli not deserve to be called by hesas name now?
Jareth: *As Shadow08* he’s not, lyk, hott enough for me to, lyk, remember his name!!1!LOLZ!!11!
Erestor: *covers his ears and moans*


And what are Boromir and I, chopped liver?

Mae: *Fuming* HOW DARE YOU RANK BOROMIR AS CHOPPED LIVER YOU FREAKING BASTARD OF A TROLL!!
Everyone else: *cringes*


"Come little sister,

Jar Jar: Why mesa getting’ a bad feelin’ bout dis?

we must venture forth with great haste." Boromir said turning to look at me.

All: *Scream and reach for the barf bags*
Erestor: He adopted her as his SISTER?! *projectile vomits*
Mae, Jareth and Jar Jar: *Are retching*


In other words we need to speed the hell up if we ever want to catch the blasted beasts carrying our small friends.

All: Ok. . .
Erestor: So the Uruk-Hai have been lowered to the rank of “blasted beasts”? HAS THIS GIRL EVEN READ THE BOOKS?! OR AT LEAST WATCHED THE MOVIES?! THE URUK-HAI ARE KILLING MACHINES! NOT MERELY ‘BLASTED BEASTS’!!
Mae: Capslock abuse, Erestor.
Erestor: *headdesks*


I nod mutely and run after them.

Jareth: All the while, eying off all those sexy butts. . .
Mae: *retches*


"Three day's and night's pursuit…no food, no rest, no sign of our quarry but what bare rock can tell."

Erestor: It’s grammatically correct!
Jar Jar: It movie script, ‘Restor.
Erestor: Damn!


Gimli muttered huffing like a fish out of water.

Mae: Uh. . . fish out of water gasp. They don’t huff.
Jareth: And you know this because?
Mae: I killed my goldfish like that. He was definitely gasping.


I grinned at this. "No worries then, eh Gimli? I said dropping a wink at him and running off.

Jar Jar: Mesa wonder why she winked at him. . .
Jareth: Dropping a hint for later, perhaps?
Mae: Ah. . . so she cheats on Legolas now, does she. . .


I have to be stupid,

Erestor: You already are stupid.

I really do,

Jareth: Why?

or else I'm going to explode.

Mae: Can someone stop her from being stupid then? I want to see her explode, then throw the little leftovers around the room for a while.
*The guys all back away*
Erestor: Is now the right time to break out the Miruvodka™?
Jareth: YES, Please!


I beg the pardon of all.

All: You’re not given it.

We follow Aragorn across plains and other lush greenery.

Jareth: You know, Shadow08, if you read that wonderful book called the dictionary, they have the meaning of the word ‘description’. It may be useful for you to look it up.
Jar Jar: Hear hear *takes a swig of Miruvodka™* Whoo, dis is STRONG!


Pity though,

Jar Jar: No. It’sa good ting dis is strong.

if we could've spared a moment it would've been an extremely breathtaking view.

Erestor: Unfortunately, though, the PPC were chasing them so they didn’t have the time to admire the scenery.

I pulled the hood of my cloak over my head to ward off the sun's rays.

Jar Jar: Den shesa suffocated MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Mae: Wow. . .


We ran over rocks and grass and came to a shadowy place behind a hill.

Jareth: *yawns* The action is intense!

Aragorn bent down, examining the ground.

Erestor: *As Aragorn* I know that bear pit is here somewhere, ah. Now to lure the sue into it. . .

He picked up something jewel-bright in the trampled earth.

Jar Jar: *sarcastically* Let mesa guess. . . a jewel?

"Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall." He muttered

All: Comma.

only loud enough for us to hear.

Jareth: How nice of him!

"They may yet be alive." Legolas said hopefully.

Erestor: He wanted to trade the sue for the Hobbits. . . little did he realize that the Uruk-Hai would never take her, no matter how hard he begged. . .
Mae: *sniff* I was hoping they would kill the sue!
Jareth: The power of the urpleness was too great for them


"Less than a day ahead of us, come!"

Mae: Wha?
Jareth: I don’t know. . .


Aha! And we're running again!

Erestor: Oh, you don’t say?!

I haven't run this much in my life. Overhead I hear Legolas call for us to hurry.

Jar Jar: *growls*
*Everyone else backs off*


I hold on to my knees and wheeze.

Jar Jar: *Swigs the Miruvodka™ and giggles* HeeHee, shesa rhymed. . .

Ugh.

Erestor: She just summed up this fic in one word!
Jareth: Now that was the understatement of the year!


"I am wasted on cross-country." Gimli calls out to our Elven companion. "We dwarves are natural sprinters. Very dangerous over short distances."

Mae: I’m amazed she actually knows some movie script that doesn’t involve Legolas. . .

Good on you Gimli. Maybe you can use that biting wit of yours to catch up to those two supermen yonder and giving them a good whack for us injured people eh?

Erestor: I really don’t get this girl. What is she going on about?
Jar Jar: Mesa not know.
Jareth: I am as lost as you are. . .
Mae: I don’t think I want to know what her screwed brain was thinking at that time. . .
Erestor: You could try and sue her for canon rape and mental scarring!
All: *look at each other and grin*


That was mean, but I'm not in the mood to be nice right now.

Erestor: *drinks* AND HOW DO YOU THINK WE FEEL?!? :angry:
Mae: I can’t believe it, he’s tipsy *giggles* I’ve always wondered what a drunk elf was like. . .


My lungs are disintegrating, so you'll pardon my attitude.

Jareth: No we won’t.
Mae: Just get an Igor to get you some new lungs.
Igor: *pops in* Did Thomeone call?
Mae: :huh: Ah, yes. . . the sue needs a new pair of lungs, Igor.
Igor: Thorry, I don’t do work on Thueth.
Erestor: I thought the Igor code was to lend a hand where needed?
Igor: Do you really want me to give the thue thome new lungth? It will lengthen her lifethpan.
All: *think* Uh. . . not really. . . no.
Igor: Good bye then. *waves and disappears*


"Sam?" Boromir pauses,

Mae: *as Boromir* Uh, I don’t know how to tell you this. . . but you’ve got . . . a zit on your nose
Jar Jar: *As Sam* ARGH!! Now mesa’s gotta, lyk, kill myself! Cuz mesa can’t, lyk, live with da ugliness of it!!LOLZ!!11!


he's a whole lot better now. I envy his recuperating skills, he was shot with I don't-know-how-many-arrows and the man can still walk!

Jareth: *sarcastically* Boromir get’s shot in the chest and gut all the time when he offers to be Faramir’s target.
Erestor: Um, why would he offer to be Faramir’s target?
Jareth: Because when Minas Tirith finally got internet access, he discover all those shitty fanfics. . . the poor man couldn’t live with himself after reading ‘The Pride of Boromir’.


It's bloody unnatural I say! But then again, I guess having two competent healers with us helps.

Jar Jar: No shit, Sherlock!

Didn't even feel a thing when Legolas treated that stab wound.

Mae: *grinds her teeth* How. Hard. Is. It. To. Write. Proper. Sentences!!!
Jareth: Oh *raises an eyebrow* I wonder what sort of ‘stab wound’ it really was. . .


But then again… maybe it's because I was too knackered at that time to notice.

Erestor: *Drinks* Or maybe you were too busy shtaring at his fashe to notice the pain- Hic
*Everyone else giggles*

"Are you alright dear sister?"

*All grab their barf bags and vomit*

I nod. "Will be in a second." I pull out the phial condom from my bag;

Erestor: Ara!
*Ara just grins and runs out of the theatre*


yes I'm still carrying it with me.

Jareth: Of course you are. You never know when you might need it.
All: *snicker*


I need the clothes; I can't very well walk around in the same garments if they get slashed right?

Ara: (over the loudspeaker, scaring everyone) DODG-AY!!!

I took a swig from the liquid inside and followed everyone else.

Erestor: Jusht like we’re doing now. Hic!
Jareth: I don’t think that’s exactly what Miss Shadow meant. . .

Jar Jar: Mesha hate to shay thish, but I acshually agree with her here *Takes another swig of Miruvodka™*

"Rohan," I hear Aragorn say. "Something strange is at work here, some evil gives speed to this creatures. Sets its will against us."

Mae: Who’s Rohan?
Jareth: *rolls his eyes*
Erestor: It wash the power of the Shue that drove them to shuch deshperate lengthsh *nods*
Jar Jar: What short of Lengthsh?


Wooh boy, doesn't that sound ominous?

All: What the frick?

We watch as Legolas climbs onwards onto the rocks.

Jareth: And gracefully throws himself off the edge.
Mae: One minute of silence for Legolas please. . .


"Legolas," Aragorn called. "What do your Elf eyes see?"

Mae: *headchairs* I. Hate. MOVIE SCRIPT!!!!!
Jar Jar: :blink: You shcary like dat
Mae: *Glowers*


"The Uruks turn North-east, they are taking the hobbits to Isengard!" he exclaims.

Erestor: *singing* They’re taking the Hobbitsh to Ishengard ga gagaga ga gard!
All: *groan*


Saruman…damn him to hell and back.

Mae: (A la Jack Sparrow) Now that’s not very nice.

What if the Uruk-hai manage to get them to him?

Erestor: Anyone undershtand dat. . . or are my eyesh jusht blurry. . .
Jar Jar: Mesha not undershand.
Erestor: Ah good. . . I’m not alone. . .
*Mae and Jareth roll their eyes*


What if the Rohirrim don't slaughter them? What if Eomer was never banished to begin with?

Jareth: Uh, Éomer (note the Accent, Shadow08) was banished before the hobbits were captured. . . so you wouldn’t have changed that.
Erestor: Sh’true, her powersh haven’t reached Row-han yet. Hic! So she hashen’t raped canon there yet. . .


Ugh!

Jar Jar: Dat wash random!!

I somehow tune out the next few hours

Mae: I think that’s a great idea! Maybe if I do that then—
Bob: If you tune out, Human, your whole team will be sporking Celebrian.
Everyone else: Mae, if you zone out we will murder you.
Mae: Okay, Okay, Sheesh!!


as we run and run and run and run and run and… you get the picture right?

All: *sigh* Mankind is lost if this is considered good writing. . .
Jar Jar: *lights a candle in commemoration of the death of good fanfiction*


Once or twice I caught a few choice words.
Like…

Jareth: *As Aragorn* Fucking bitch of a sue. . .

"The red sun rises…the sues blood has will been spilt this night."

Jareth: Thank you Mae.
Mae: *grins*


Or…
Swearing from Boromir, as he mutters about how that might well be the blood of our beloved halflings.

Erestor: Boromir. Wash. A. Gentalman. He. Wouldn’t. Shwear. In. Front. Of. A. Female.
Jareth: Did they even swear in Middle-Earth?


He's a right old ray of sunshine isn't he?

Erestor and Jar Jar: *singing drunkenly* You are my shunshine, my only shunshine, you make me happy when shkiesh are grey.
*Everyone else cringes*


And after that… not much else… until of course I was so rudely thrown behind a rock.

Jar Jar: *gasp* How wude!

"Ow!" I screeched glaring at Boromir. "Wha d'you do that for?"

Mae: *sighs* Because everyone screeches when they’re trying to hide from soldiers, Don’t they.

"Riders of Rohan." Legolas says quietly. "One hundred and five. Armed with spears."

Jareth: *snorts* No, they were armed with bouquets of pink and urple flowers, were wearing pixie suits and singing Christmas carols for pennies.

"Boromir, when I get my senses back you are going to be disowned." I hiss at him

Jar Jar: *moans* Tenshe change. . .

as Aragorn step out of the rocks.

Erestor: *sniggers, then snorts*
*Everyone else cracks up*


"Good thing then," he answered grinning. "There is no luck of such a thing happening."

Jareth: *winces* Awkward wording, what.

I gaped at him.

Jar Jar: GOLDFISH!!! :lol:

Why, I do believe he just insulted me!

Jareth: Why ever shouldn’t he?

The bloody arsewipe…

Mae: *is frothing at the mouth* HOW DARE YOU INSULT ONE OF THE BEST CHARACTERS!!! YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO LICK THE FUCKING DIRT OFF HIS FEET!!
*The guys are slowly edging away*


He has some nerve!

Jareth: :blink: He has some nerve. . . What is this sue’s problem?!?

Legolas pulls me out of the rock

All: *crack up laughing*
Ara: Bit like how Moses got water from the rock in the Old Testament. . .’cept I’m sure if he’d pulled out a Sue he woulda put her back.
Jareth: Seeing as you’re here, Ara, how about you stop running off and just stay.
Ara: *sigh* Fine. But for Mae’s sake. Not yours.
Erestor: Hellosh, Ara.
Ara: Er. . .hi, Erestor.


as Aragorn calls out to the riders and waved at them with his middle finger.

Ara: What? I like doing that!

Bad move number one.

Jareth: Well. . .yeah.

Instantly the riders turn back and surround us.

Erestor: *As Riders* You inshulted ush. . . now you musht die a horrible death.

I think I'd rather get back behind the rock now…I don't fancy dying just yet…

All: NOOOO!! DON’T GET BEHIND THE ROCK!! *chuck popcorn at the screen*

Can I just say that I am already incredibly sick of having the pointy end of any weapon directed at me?

Mae: Ah, but that would depend on what sort of ‘weapon’, wouldn’t it?
Jareth: Nice one Mae.*high fives*
Jar Jar and Erestor: *Glare at Mae and Jareth*
Ara: *happily stuffs her face with popcorn*


It gets really old after having to fight those goddamned Uruk-hai.

Ara: You know what? Crappily-written Suefics are getting old too.

"What business do three men, an Elf and a Dwarf have in the Riddermark?"

Mae and Ara: ARGH!! The canon rape!! *sob*
*The guys try comfort them. . .two in a drunkenly manner.*


asks, well more of demands actually,

Jareth: :huh: What the hell?

the leader of the horse-riders.

Jar Jar: Hesha doesh have a name. Hic!

"Speak quickly."

Mae: Or forever hold your peace.

Wait…did he just say three men?

Mae: *As Sam* Lyk, dammit!! They totally found out I was, lyk, actually a guy, lyk, damn them!!11!LOLZ!!1!!
Erestor: *Shudders and downs some more Miruvodka™*
Ara: Should you really be having more of that? *takes Miruvodka™ off Erestor and chugs the rest of it*


I opened my mouth to protest but Gimli cut me my head off.

All: YAY!! Go Gimli!!

"Give me your name horse-master and I shall give you mine."

Erestor: *Drinks then giggles* Then we can have a nishe liddle tea party all on our oneshiesh. . .
*Everyone else slowly backs away*


Eomer, as his name is,

Jar Jar: *screams and headdesks* NO! Heshas name ish Éomer Wiv a acshent.
Ara: Uh Jar Jar? Are you alright?
Jar Jar: *cries*


climbed off his horse

Jareth: *yawns* It’s dismounted, Shadow. Use a dictionary.

and approached Gimli menacingly. "I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground." He snarled.

Erestor: *groans and clutches his head* Headache. . . shnarling not good. . .

Wooh boy, here we go.

All: :huh:

"You would die before you're stroke fell." Legolas retorted angrily, whipping out an arrow.

Ara: Sure he didn’t whip anything else out?
Erestor: *drunkenly tries to whack Ara in the arm and nearly falls off his chair. Mae and Jareth both crack up. Jar Jar cries*


Well, this is something you don't see frequently.

Jareth: Well, no—flashing oneself isn’t exactly something you’d want to see frequently.
Erestor: Nope. *Shakes head* But thish ish the Shue we’re talking about.
Ara: The shoe?
Erestor: No, the Shue! *waves his hand around emphatically*


An Elf, defending a Dwarf. It's just so poetic isn't it?

All: Wha?

Aragorn forces Legolas to lower his weapon and gives him a look.

Jareth: *As Aragorn* Now now Legolas. . . we don’t flash ourselves in public, now do we.
Ara: *as Legolas* But what about in private?


Ooh, the kingly-ranger dude has come forth! Beware his almighty strength and power!

Ara: The kingly ranger what?! She’s so obnoxious! Geez!

Uh…ok, had a moment there…

Jar Jar: What moment?

"I am Aragorn, so of Arathorn.

Mae: So of Arathorn?!?
Ara: Sow of Arathorn? Ho of Arathorn?
Erestor: That would be Gilraen. Hic.
Ara: I just hope Arathorn’s ghost didn’t hear that, Erestor.


This is Boromir, son of the steward of Gondor-"

Jar Jar: *gasp* Shesa know who hesa ish? Wow. . .

"We know each other." Came Eomer

Ara: there’s an accent over the first ‘E’ in Éomer, dear.

and Boromir's voices.

Mae: Tell me they don’t start talking in unison . . . please

"This is Gimli son of Gloin," Aragorn continued. "Legolas from the Woodland Realm ad

Jar Jar: *screams* AND AND AND AND AND AND AND AN- *Erestor knocks him out with a bottle of Miruvodka™

Samantha, a warrior from a distant land."

Jareth: *cracks up* They call that. . . thing. . . a WARRIOR?!?

Way to go Aragorn!

All: Be nice!

There were snorts of disbelief and open mouths as I drew back my hood.

Erestor: *peering at the screen* Kinda like you draw back curtainsh??
*Everyone else sighs*


"A woman?" they all muttered.

Jareth: *snorts* I thought we just agreed that she was the Heskett fanboy in disguise. . .

"Who would arm a woman?"

Mae and Ara: SEXIST!!
Erestor: Feminishts!
Ara: Misogynistic pig!
Erestor: I'm shutting up now.


I raised an eyebrow.

Erestor: *as Sam* one and two and three and LIFT. Hic!

Biting back a harsh retort to all the mutterings.

Ara: :o That poor retort. . .

"We are friends of Rohan." Aragorn said looking at Eomer. "And of Theoden your King."

Jareth: I thought Théoden (note the accent, Shadow08) was king?
Jar Jar: *sniffs* Hesa losht hish accent. . .
Mae: Can I place a personal ad in the paper? “Accent lost, please return to Theoden King”
Ara: You forgot the accent, Mae.
Mae: No, he lost the accent, how can he put it on the ad if it’s lost?
Jareth: *raises an eyebrow* Are you alright, Mae?
Mae: *sobs* I think I’m dying. . .


"Theoden no longer recognizes friends from foe."

Jareth: If he did the sue would have been killed a long time ago.

Eomer said taking of his helmet and finally, the pointy objects were drawn away.

All: Wha?

"Not even his own kin.

Mae: It was the loss of his accent. . . *nods wisely*
*Everyone else stares*
Mae: What?
Ara: That accent mark can join my society for the protection of innocent punctuation. It'll be very welcome among all the poor little commas.
*Everyone else continues to stare*


Saruman has poisoned the mind of the King and claimed Lordship over this land.

All: YAY!!

My company are those loyal to Rohan, and for that we are banished."

Mae: *dances* IT’S GRAMATICALLY CORRECT!!!!!!
Jar Jar: Movie Shcript. Hic!
Mae: Awww dammit. *scowls*


Eomer frowns and looks at each of us.

Jar Jar: *As Éomer* Why ish dere a Shue wiv dem??
Mae: They wore boots Jar Jar, not shoes.
Jar Jar: *rolls his eyes*


His eyes lingered on me, a gleam of disapproval lust showing at all my pointy regalia.

Erestor: MAE!!!!!!!
Mae: Don’t overuse the exclamation marks Erestor.
Erestor: *drunken scary Elf-Lord mode* I will if I want to.
Mae: :blink: Okay then. . .


And the testosterone award goes to:

Mae: BOB!!!
Bob: Flattery won’t work, human.
Mae: Damn. *pouts*


ding, ding, ding!

Jar Jae: Where’d dey getsh da microwave from?

Well, who said you had to like me huh?

All: *headdesk*

"The white wizard is cunning. He walks here and there they say, as an old man hooded and cloaked. And everywhere his spies slip past our nets."

Ara: *groans* It’s not that hard to make up some original lines for the characters!
Jareth: *hugs Ara* Shadow08 obviously has no imagination to speak of, Ara.
Ara: *sniff* Tru dat.


He said a hint of suspicion in his voice.

Erestor: Only a hint?

"We are no spies." Boromir said looking at Eomer, chin raised.

Ara: *shouting* IT’S JUST A BLOODY ACCENT!!! HOW HARD IS IT TO PUT IN A FREAKIN' ACCENT?!?

But he didn't look convinced.

Mae: *confused* But I thought Boromir and Éomer apparently knew each other? Why would he think Boromir was a spy?

"We are no spies." Aragorn repeated.

Jareth: Alright. Who bumped the repeat button.

"We track a band of Uruk-hai westward across the plain.

Jar Jar: *screams again* Now shesa ushing mishquoted movie linesh. . .

They have taken two of our friends captive."

Erestor: Deysh probably happier wif da Uruks den da Shue.

Eomer is shaking his head even before Aragorn finishes talking.

Mae: *As Éomer* Yo dude, I ain’t givin’ you any info ‘till you find my lost accent.

Not a good sign…

All: *roll eyes* You don’t say!

"The Uruks are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night." He said not meeting any of our eyes.

Jar Jar: *as eyes* How Wude!

I can hear my heart pounding in my ears.

Ara: Why is your heart up in your ears, anyway? Geez. She's got a fricked-up anatomy.

"What about two hobbits?" Gimli roared worriedly. "Did you see two hobbits with them?"

Mae: *giggles* I can’t see Gimli roaring worriedly!

"They would be small." Aragorn said intervening. "Only children to your eyes."

Erestor: *drunkenly singing* Oh where oh where have the halflingsh gone, oh where oh where cansh dey be. . .
*Everyone else groans and claps their hands over their ears*


"We left none alive." Eomer mutters to Aragorn. "We piled the carcasses and burned them." He pointed into the distance where a steady pillar of smoke streamed up to the sky.

Jar Jar: *screeches* TENSHE CHANGE!!!

"Dead?" Gimli asks, sounding as if he dared not believe it.
Shit, shit, shit!

Ara: The hell? Is she describing her fic?

Wait a minute, everything else seems to be taking place as expected…maybe I can be optimistic and hope that nothing changed… after all I did throw Boromir's broken horn down the river…

All: WHAT?!?

What?

Erestor: Datsh what we jusht shaid. . .

Don't look at me like that.

All: *Glare at Sam*

It was broken anyway! But don't tell him… he might break me if he finds out…

All: BOROMIR!! THE SUE THREW YOUR BROKEN HORN INTO THE RIVER!!!

But that way it'll still be found by Faramir and all that so the story doesn't get messed up too badly…

Jareth: Not TOO badly?!? WHAT THE )^*Q_^ IT THAT $^*Q_#^* THINKING!!! :angry:

I mean except for Boromir being alive…

Mae: Oh and that’s just an afterthought is it? *glowers*

Oh crap… I just realized... The last time I was optimistic I almost got killed by my date.

*All start yelling at the date for not killing Sam*

Ok, we're screwed. Totally, royally screwed…

Mae: Who’d wanna screw you?
Ara: *snorts* A banana. Just to imitate the Suethor's weird randomness.
Jareth: That gives me all sorts of weird imagery. . .


Eomer nods. "I am sorry."

Jar Jar: *sarcastically* Well that’s the undershtatement of da year. Hic!

He whistles and calls forward four horses. What're the odds huh?

All: *sigh*
Erestor: Ish thish meant to be funny?
Jareth: I think so.
Ara: My faith in humanity has just gone down 10%.


I guess more people died last night than was shown in the movie…

Mae: *Is tearing out her hair* AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jareth: *hugs Mae* Shhh, it’s alright.
Mae: *sobs* No. . . it.. it’s not. . .
Jareth: *looks helplessly at Ara*
Ara: *whacks Mae*
Mae: OI! Uh. . . thanks Ara.
Ara: *happily* You're welcome!


"May these horses bring you to better fortune than their former Masters." He said after getting back on his horse. "Farewell. Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands. We ride North!"

All: *Yawn*
Jar Jar: Can wesha shkip da movie linesh?
Bob: *as close to a smirk that a Balrog can have* No.


Screwed…utterly hopelessly screwed I tell you…

Ara: *annoyed* So you told us before.

Oh man, oh man….
"Sam?" came Aragorn's voice breaking through my thoughts.

Jareth: She had thoughts?
Mae: She borrowed them on loan from the brain bank.
Jar Jar: *as Thoughts* OUCH!!


"What?"
"Are you not going to ride with us?" Boromir asks.
I stare at the black stallion in front of me.

Mae: What is it with sues and stallions?
Jareth: *sighs* You see Mae, when a sue gets horney they don’t really care what can sati-
Erestor: *dyid* SHUT UPSH!!!
Mae and Jareth: *shut their mouths*


Oh fiddlesticks…

Ara: :blink: She didn’t swear?
Jareth: It’s the end of the world. . .


I don't know how to ride!

Jar Jar: Yousha tink da horshe will trample her?

Bloody hell…

Erestor: I fink I’sh liking da shound of Hell at da moment. . .
Ara: We should ring Morgoth in the Void and see if he's willing to take on another Sue.


This is just wonderful isn't it?

Jareth: What? The horse trampling the sue? I’ll say it’s pretty wonderful!

"Uhmm… how exactly do I get on?" I ask turning red.

Mae: :blink: Even I know how to get onto a horse!
Ara: You do?
Mae: *nods*
Ara: I don't.
Jareth: You girls are just as off-topic as Shadow08!


"You mean you do not know how to ride?" Boromir asks, his face full of amusement.

Jareth: *sarcastically* Oh haha, that is so funny, I pissed my pants laughing.
Ara: Please don’t. We'll have to clean it up.


"Yes, wise guy I don't. Now can we get on with the program?" I mutter. "How do I get on the bloody horse?"

Jar Jar: *sobs* Why yousa always so obnoxious. . .

Legolas climbs off Arod

All: DISMOUNTED!

and spares a few minutes to tell me how to climb onto the horse, how to hold the reins properly and how not to fall off.

Erestor: Theresh a lot more to riding a horshe than jusht that. Hic!
Ara: He's gonna have the biggest hangover tomorrow morning.


"Do you understand?" he asked once we had finished. I nodded, theory grasped professor.

Mae: *As professor* OI! Theory! Lemme go.

I put my foot onto the stirrup and heaved myself over the saddle.

Ara: *sniggers* I can just see that. . .

Now, I did it exactly as Legolas said. So imagine my surprise when I suddenly found myself upside down.

Mae: *rolls eyes* Well you obviously didn’t do it exactly as Leggy-poo said, did you.

"Oi!" I screamed. "Get me upright!"

Erestor: NO! We leavesh you till the build up of blood in your head blowsh your brain to piecesh MWAHAHAHAHA
Mae: :huh: You’re not making any sense, Erestor.
Jareth: Nice idea though. . .


Fortunately, Legolas managed to work out what was wrong with the cinch or whatever the hell it's called

Ara: *headdesks* Obviously Shadow's never heard of Google.

and got me vertical again

Jar Jar: Instead of Horizontal.
Ara: She likes being horizontal, usually when Leggie's --
Erestor: *drunkenly waggles a finger at Ara* You shouldn't be shaying thoshe shings, Aralosh!


whilst the other three laughed their heads off.

Mae: The heads rolled along the ground and lodged themselves in a thornbush.

Mind you, just because he was helping me doesn't mean he wasn't laughing.

Jareth: I’d laugh if I was helping you too. *beat* Actually, scrap that, I’d have killed you straight off instead.
All: Hear Hear!!


"Glad you find me so hilarious." I said sarcastically, glaring at all of them.

Jareth: *As Shadow08* Isn’t she just, lyk, so totally hilarious!!11!LOLZ!11!!!
*Erestor and Jar Jar moan and cover their ears*
Ara: The tight pants must have an effect on Jareth's voice. No male I know can talk that high.


"I thought you understood what I said." Legolas stated laughing.

Ara: Why’s he laughing? Did I miss something?

"I did!" I stormed at him. "The execution's just—fuzzy!"

All: :blink:
Ara: I think an execution would be great! Where's the chainsaw?
Bob: There is no way in Udun that I am allowing YOU anywhere near anyone with a chainsaw!
Ara: Not even the Sue? Damn.


"Ah," he said winking. "That makes perfect sense."

Jar Jar: What wrong wiv heshas brain?!?
Jareth: It was mangled by the urpleness of the Sue. . .
Ara: Urpility!
Jareth: Excuse me?
Ara: I just invented a word.
Jareth: But. . .why?
Ara: Because this fic is getting to me. Or maybe it's the Miruvodka™.


Smart arse.

Erestor: *confused* Hish arse ish shmart?
Jareth: *takes away the Miruvodka™* No more of this for you, my friend.
Erestor: :o
Ara: Here! I'll have some! *grabs it off Jareth* Whoo!


This time when I swung my leg over the saddle I managed to get it right,

Ara: Ooh, a random comma!! Can I keep it?
Bob: *sighs* I suppose so. . .
Ara: *squees happily*


and away we went.

All: *yawn*
Mae: Urgh Erestor!! Don’t yawn in my face, you smell like a brewery!
Erestor: *mustering whatever dignity he has left* Do not!
Mae: Do to!
Erestor: Not!
Mae: Do!
Jar Jar: *DYID* SHUT UP!!
Mae and Erestor: :ph43r:
Ara: Hey, thanks, Jar Jar!


I much prefer riding to running. It's much faster.

Ara: No freakin' shit. *rolls her eyes*

And when you get the hang of it, it's actually kinda fun.

All: No shit, Sherlock!

Enjoyable really…

Ara: *picks up random phone* Hello? Department of Redundancies Department? *beat* The reception's really bad here. Bob, you'll need to fix that.
Bob: *facepalm*


Now here's hoping it doesn't throw me off…

Jar Jar: Here’s to hopin’ it does.

Fiddlesticks…

Mae: She didn’t swear?!? *parties*
Bob: NO PARTYING IN THE THEATRE!!
Mae: Awww dammit. :(


Ugh.
Remind me to avoid seeing burnt Uruk-hai for the rest of my life.

Mae: It was quite a nice sight actually . . . all those burning corpses and heads on stakes. . .
Ara: Mae?
Mae: Wha? Oops. . . sorry guys, just a little moment.
*Everyone else looks concerned*


That is so not attractive…

Erestor: You don’t shay. . .

I think I'm going to puke.

All: EWWWWW!!

Gimli rushed forward and parted the corpses with his axe.

Erestor: I can’t actually riff that. . . how shad. . .
Ara: I can. *fixes* Gimli rushed forward and parted the corpses with his axe. . .like Moses through the Red Sea.
Jareth: I believe that's from Braveheart.
Ara: I love that movie.


"It's one of their little belts." He said, tears trickling from her eyes.

All: :blink:
Mae: Did Gimli just have a sudden sex change?
*Everyone else retches, apart from Ara who makes a sociological appraisal of the situation*
Ara: Gender roles play a large part in our society, and the society of Middle-Earth, based upon mediaeval feudalism, in which the woman is stereotyped into an emotional, crying mess --
Jareth: Do you ever shut up?
Ara: No.


I put an arm around myself, as I will the shivers to go away.

Jar Jar: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!! TENSE CHANGES!!!!!!
Mae and Ara: NO! JAR JAR!! Stay with us!!


"Hiro hyn hidh ab wanath" Legolas whispers, a hand over his chest.

Jareth: Uh. . . what does that mean, Erestor. . .
Erestor: It shounded Japaneshe. . .
Ara: It’s the equivalent of "The Orcs glockulised the flookulous plock."
Everyone else: Oh.


Aragorn lets out an anguished scream and drops to his knees.

Mae: *As Aragorn* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WON”T SHE DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! *gasp*
Jar Jar: Nishe effort, Mae. . .


"We have failed them." Boromir mutters sadly.

All: Ya don't say?!

Suddenly, Aragorn mutters, "A hobbit lay here."
I looked up, that means they're alive!

All: Wha?
Ara: Who's to say that it wasn't a dead Hobbit lying there?


I didn't ruin it after all!

Mae: *splutters* You didn’t ruin it?!? What is she talking about?!?

We follow him across the fields, muttering along the way.

Ara: *As Muttering!Aragorn* Valadamned Sue. Why won’t she die?
Mae: *As Muttering!Boromir* Why’d that stupid kid have to save me. . . I was quite happy dying with her around. . .
Jareth: *As Muttering!Legolas* Why do all the Sues chase me?
Jar Jar: *As Muttering!Gimli* Why da author give mesha a shex change. . . mesha quite happy ash a male. . .
Erestor: *As Muttering!Sam* Why aren’t they all shtaring at my shooper Hawtnesh. . .


"Into Fangorn Forest." He says halting in front of the trees.

Mae: I like rainforests!!
Ara: I like chocolate!
Jareth: What?


"Fangorn!" Gimli muttered distastefully. "What madness drove them in there?"

Jareth: They felt the Sue coming closer and hid.

AND… we're off!

Jar Jar and Erestor: We’re off to shee the wishard. . . the wonderful wishard of Oz. . .
Ara and Mae: SHUT UP!!


A/n: click the nifty button!

Jareth: NO!
Erestor: *stands up and sways drunkenly* It’sh over WHOOOOO!!!. . . *collapses*
Mae: Dammit Erestor. . .
Ara: *glances at passed-out Elf Lord* Good luck with him. And good luck with the other chapters you guys have to do. Ugh. *waves and disappears*
Jar Jar: *staggers out of the theatre, moaning and clutching his head*


If I promise not to kill you can I have a hug?

My favorite thing about eating gummy bears is that they don't fight back when bite their heads off

Teddies don't hug back, but sometimes they're all you have...

Joker: You know, there are three kinds of people in this world. The optomistic that find the glass half full, and the pessimistic that see it as half empty. Then there's the paranoid, and they just think someone's drinking out of their glass.

Corrigan: Huh, then which one are you?

Joker: I'm the one who knocks the glass over.
~ The Joker Blogs.
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daisymall13
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Reached Tranquillity
Thanks to Mae..I've finally finished this. Mae did half of this so.. *hugs Mae*

Daisy sighed as she relaxed on a couch. Her brother was playing Xbox and yelling at his friends, the dog was eating his pizza and the fish were…being fish. It was a perfectly normal day overall…until the knock on the door. She got up to answer it, expecting it to be a random guy trying to sell something to her.
Instead, she found a note.

Dear Miss Daisy,
We have a project for you at the theatre and would like you to please be here by 6pm. If you don’t come we’ll hook your lights up to play Justin Bieber every time they’re switched on or off.
C. Guy


With a shriek Daisy grabbed her hoodie and ran nonstop to the theatre, silently praying the Cleaner Guy was joking. When she arrived, she was greeted by the rest of her team.
Tony grinned and waved, “Afternoon Daisy, you look like you’re in a hurry.” He called as she ran up to the small group. Daisy looked around. “Justin…Bieber..lights…” She gasped. The others frowned. “What on earth are you talking about?” Halt demanded. Before Daisy could reply, a dreadful sound echoed down the street.
..Was like Baby, Baby, Baby Wooah!...
The group spun around to see a man dressed in overalls holding a Boom Box, next to a man twice his size.
“ Everyone, meet Jason B..” The Cleaner Guy was cut off by a loud ‘Squee!’ followed by a mumbled apology. Glaring at Daisy, the Cleaner Guy continued.
“Meet Jason Bourne, he’ll be joining you for today’s Spork. All the details are inside, along with B.T.” He explained, pointing towards the theatre. With a sigh, Legolas glanced at the others.
“We might as well get this over with.” He said, before heading into the theatre, followed closely by the others. Nobody noticed the Cleaner Guy bolt the door shut…


Legolas: Right, what are the details?
Daisy: Apparently we’re sporking..*pales* Stuck in Middle Earth, Chapter 13…
Tony: Not Chapter One?
B.T: So…What, it’s a Round Robin?
Daisy: Yep...*gulps*
Halt: What’s wrong with that?
Daisy: This is the Fan Fiction that put Refie into a coma, made Xaja run into a wall, made Erestor drink himself unconscious…
Legolas: Kill me now.

A/n: this ficcie is now a teenager!
Halt: *flatly* Wohoo
Aren't you so proud?
All: No
Not only is this fic now an adolescent, I've also been managing to update on a regular weekly basis!
Tony: You disappoint me…
So anyways, you better review this time! Or I might not post the next one for a loooong time.
Legolas: Then we won’t review. EVER.
It's my birthday next week, so you won't get to celebrate if you don't review.
Daisy: I can celebrate my birthday, my mum’s, my nana’s, my friend’s and my dog’s…I don’t really want to celebrate yours darls when I can go to a park with my dog and his…friends.
Dedication: to the baker! I love your bread man!
Bourne: *raises an eyebrow* Where’d the comma go?
It's awesome for hungry breakfast craving people like me!
*All freeze*
Halt: Did she dedicate a chapter to her BAKER?! As in her Real Life Baker?
Daisy: *nods* I doubt he’ll see this though..
Legolas: I doubt he’d want to


-Sam-

Bourne: So this is from Sam the Hobbit’s point of view?
Daisy: I wish. Sam is the Sue…
If this forest isn't ominous, then I'm a pink and spangled toad.
Legolas: No, you’re an urple and sparkly Sue and comparing yourself to any toad is an offense to all toads in existence
Bourne: …Ouch

"Orc blood." Gimli says, spitting.
Aragorn bends down, examining the ground. "These are strange tracks." He says bewildered.
Daisy: *deadpan* He hadn’t seen the tracks left by a pair of pink, sparkly, sue-ish stilettos in his training.
"The air is so close in here." Boromir says looking around.
Bourne: She likes writing ‘says’ doesn’t she?
"This forest is old."
B.T: A comma would be more appropriate
Legolas explains. "Very old. Full of memory… and anger."
Low groans echo all around us.
"Shit!"
Legolas: Watch your mouth!
I said
All: TENSE CHANGE!
jumping in surprise. "What's making the sound?"
"The trees are speaking to each other." Legolas said almost wistfully.
Aragorn turned to Gimli, who had his axe raised and ready to chop off her head when she wasn’t looking.
All: *snigger*
Daisy: Nice Bourne...
Bourne: Thank you, I do try.

"Gimli!"
"Huh?" he grunted, in answer.
B.T: *As Aragorn* Now! Kill her now!
Halt: *As Gimli* I can’t…I’ll get Sue blood on my axe! Nasty stuff that.
Legolas: *as himself* I can spare an arrow...
Daisy: *as Sam* Lyk, who are we lyk killing??!!

"Lower your axe."
All: Damn
"Oh."
"Yes, lower your axe indeed." Boromir muttered from beside me. "Talking trees…"
"They have feelings my friend. The elves began it; waking up the trees, teaching them to speak." Legolas said turning to Gimli.
B.T: What’s a ‘said turning to Gimli’?
All: Ummmm :shrug:
B.T: I thought so . . .

"Talking Trees." Snorted Gimli. "What do trees have to talk about, hmm? Except the consistency of squirrel droppings."
Daisy: *facepalms* Makes sense that the only good lines in the fic are movie script
I know Gimli; leave it to the elves eh?
"Aragorn, nad no ennas." Legolas mutters hurrying towards Aragorn.
Bourne: What does that mean? Legolas, you speak elvish.
Legolas: It’s definitely not elvish, mellon nin.
Daisy: You know, if you read it out loud is soun
ds like my Afrikaans. A very rude saying in Afrikaans.

Oh crap…
I plop down onto the ground and clutch my head.
Halt: Is her brain imploding?
B.T: I hope so *breaks out the popcorn*
Daisy: Ooh, popcorn!! :popcorn:

"Sam?" Boromir asks, bending down. "Are you alright?"
I nod.
Tony: *As Boromir* And now I will kill you. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA :evil:
*Everyone else backs away slowly*

I'm fine. Just a little turbulence in my head that's all.
Daisy: *ding noise* Dear brain cells, we apologise for the disturbance but we’ve hit a rough patch of thought here and..
Tony: *as brain* Look dude, you realise they’re all dead, sleeping or stoned...right?
Halt: And I thought your immaturity had already reached its peak.

Yes, I do realize that sounds psychotic.
Bourne: I honestly don’t know how you sound psychotic. You just sound…very stupid.
Boromir pulls me back up as Aragorn mutters, "Do not let him speak, he will put a spell on us."
I sigh and bring out Keiko.
All: Keiko?
Daisy: I don’t know...but I think it’s Japanese…

We turn to attack but a bright light emanating from a tall figure blinds us.
The arrow that Legolas shot and Gimli's axe are both deflected.
B.T: Is that a…Tense change?!
*all gasp*

Meanwhile, Aragorn, Boromir all drop our respective weapons.
All: Umm…
Halt: What
Tony: The
Legolas: Hell?!
Bourne: How does that work? What does ‘Aragorn, Boromir all drop our respective weapons’ even mean? Seriously.

I swear. Gandalf, once I find the proper opportunity, I will have you lynched! Or give you a very stern talking to at the very least.
Legolas: I wish you good luck with that...I’m sure Gandalf would find it very amusing
Daisy: And then he’d turn her into a horse. Or a pig. Or a chicken. Or a…
Halt: We get it.

"You are tracking the footsteps of two young hobbits." The figure said, still hidden in the bright light.
Legolas: I’m confused...one moment she knows who it is, the next she doesn’t…
B.T: ‘Sue Logic, Rule #5: To be lyk a Sue, you lyk need to lyk make no sense.’

"Where are they?" Aragorn demanded.
Ooh…go Kingly Ranger Dude!
Bourne: *raises eyebrow* O...Kay, this girl needs to learn to respect her elders. And the people that can kill you within a second.
Daisy: :nod:

"They passed this way, the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?"
Tony: Umm . . . No?
Oddly, when paired with that voice and this place, No.
"Who are you?" Aragorn asks, all demanding again. "Show yourself!"
Legolas: *As figure* Hell no!
Almost instantly, the light behind the figure dims and reveals Gandalf, dressed in white, and shifts a white staff as if to commandeer respect.
B.T: Tense change!
*All gasp*
Bourne: I thought she knew it was Gandalf.
Tony: Logic, Bourne.

Legolas goes on his knees and bows, Gimli follows suit. Boromir and I stare, well he stares; I ogle before bowing down as well.
Daisy: What. The. Frick? She was ogling GANDALF?!? :X
*All reach for the barf bags*

"It cannot be!" Aragorn whispers.
Halt: Obviously it can
Legolas looks up. "Forgive me, I mistook you for Saruman."
"I am Saruman." Gandalf replied in a matter-of-fact tone.
All: *groan* Not this . . . has she been taking lessons from Angey?!?
Legolas: I really hope not.

"Or rather, Saruman as he should have been."
"You fell!" Aragorn said in a hardly-daring-to-believe tone.
Bourne: Umm…
Halt: What
Tony: The
Legolas: Hell?!
Daisy: What’s a hardly-daring-to-believe tone?
*crickets chirp*
Daisy: *sighs* I knew it.

"Through fire." He said agreeing. "And water."
Ah, this would be where he explains about fighting the Balrog and killing it and whatnot.
Legolas: So, she DID know who it was…
Bourne: Either that or she only watched bits and pieces of the movies.

I tune him out.
Daisy: Well, if that’s not rude…
So this must mean that Merry and Pippin are alive and well!
Hooray!
I didn't completely ruin stuff after all!
Halt: Umm, you didn’t ruin ‘stuff’?
Legolas: Maybe she read a different version of LotR . . .
Tony: *raises an eyebrow*
Legolas: Or maybe she just didn’t read the books at all . . .
Bourne: *nods*
Daisy: *eats chocolate* I’ll go with that one.

I look up and notice that everyone else was already off the ground.
B.T: So they were all floating?
Gee, thanks for giving me the heads up guys.
"Gandalf?" the old wizard repeats, nonplussed. "Oh yes. That's what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey, that was my name." He smiles at the memory.
I resist the urge to mutter something disrespectful like 'Senile' or 'getting old there'. Because these boys would have my blood
Legolas: *fuming* SENILE?!? GETTING OLD THERE?!?
Daisy: Legolas?
Legolas: I SWEAR I WILL MURDER THIS SUE!!!
Daisy: :huh: Riight . . .

and I don't really have anything against the old man unless you count the horrid way he treats the rowdier half of the hobbit brigade.
Tony: :blink: Maybe she did read a different LotR
Bourne: I agree . . . When did Gandalf mistreat Merry and Pippin?
Halt: Um, never.

"Gandalf." Gimli says smiling.
"I am Gandalf the White." He says impressively.
All: *Try to look impressed . . . and fail miserably*
"And I come back to you now. At the turn of the tide.
Daisy: Isn’t the turn of the tide the best time to go fishing?
Halt: *raises an eyebrow*
Daisy: What? That’s what I’ve heard!

He acquires a cloak from somewhere that is not unlike our own Lorien cloaks.
B.T: Oh good Lord. Now he’s pulling cloaks out of his hat like a common Magician
"One stage of your journey is over, another begins." He says, well actually he's ranting
Bourne: Um, how is that ranting?
Tony: It’s not.

but that's ok. Ranting is sorta his element isn't it?
Bourne: What
Daisy: The
B.T: Hell?

"War has come to Rohan. We must ride to Edoras with all speed."
Peachy.
Daisy: I will never say Peachy again.
"Edoras?" Gimli asks, clearly displeased. "That is no short distance."
Mae: *pops in* No Shit Sherlock!! *hugs Daisy, glares at B.T. and disappears*
Halt: :huh:
Legolas: OI! Watch your mouth, Mae!
B.T: What did I ever do to her? *evil grin*

"We hear of trouble in Rohan." Aragorn says, ignoring Gimli's remark. "It goes ill with the King."
"Yes," Gandalf agrees. "And it will not be easily cured."
Daisy: Sure it will! Just put him in an asylum! With the Sue!! *grins*
"Then we have run all this way for nothing?" Gimli said fretfully. " Are we to leave those poor hobbits in this horrible dark, dank tree-infested…"
There was a huge rumbling around us, as if the trees were deeply offended.
I shiver and scoot closer to my brother who turned on me with a twisted smile and ripped my stomach open with his sword.
Tony: Nice, Legolas
Daisy: I love imagining these scenarios…

Ugh, I know it's pathetic, after all they're just trees. But how often do you come across a forest that you know full well can jump you at any moment?
Bourne: Uh, you’re in Middle-Earth, dear.
Proves that my fears aren't extremely unfounded.
Halt: They’re not?
"It was more than mere chance that brought Merry and Pippin to Fangorn. A great power has been sleeping here for many long years." Gandalf said looking about him. "The coming of Merry and Pippin will be like the falling of small stoned hobbits
Daisy: It sounds like someone’s been smoking too much pipe weed… :rofl:that starts an avalanche in the mountains."
Is it just me or does that sound just so cool?
Legolas: I think it’s just you.
"A thing is about to happen here," he continued after sharing a laugh with Aragorn. "That has not happened since the Elder days.
All: Ooh *roll their eyes*
The Ents are going to wake up and find that they are strong."
B.T: *flatly* Oh joy.
"Strong?" Gimli repeated disbelievingly. "Oh, that's good." He finished looking around warily.
"So stop your fretting Master Dwarf." Gandalf said in an admonishing tone.
Daisy: ARGH!!! I’m sick of that already.
" Merry and Pippin are quite safe. In fact, they are far safer than you are about to be."
Legolas: How comforting.
With that, the old wizard walked ahead, leaving us to follow along.
"This new Gandalf's more grumpy than the old one." Gimli muttered before stomping along.
Bourne: So now Gimli stomps instead of walks? *sighs*
"I agree Gimli." I said in a dignified way and elbowed Boromir as he snorted behind me.
Tony: :huh: Boromir? Snorting? :rofl:

OoO

Halt: Ummmm . . . ?
Daisy: I think it’s a paragraph breaker . . .
Halt: O…kay


Once outside the forest, Gandalf let out a piercing whistle that would have called all dogs within range of hearing to him.
Unfortunately there aren't any dogs around.
B.T: I agree with that . . . if there were, they could all come and attack you . . .
Wouldn't it have been funny though, if there were about fifty dogs around and they all jumped him?
Legolas: No, that would have been horrible*beat* Of course it would have been hilarious if they’d attacked you…
Ok, fine so maybe it's not that funny…and maybe just maybe I'm being a tad mean.
Oooh…that horse is fucking beautiful…
Bourne: This girl has wonderful language!
Legolas: If this Legolas had been me, I would have been horrified
Daisy: She’s also really good at changing subje..Oooh shiny…
Halt: *facepalms*

"That is one of the Mearas, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell." Legolas said admiringly.
Wooh boy, that is one purdy horse.
Halt:…Purdy horse?
Daisy: I think it’s the Suethors way of saying pretty

It halts in front of Gandalf and shakes it's
Legolas: No apostrophe needed
head as if to greet the wizard.
"Shadowfax." Gandalf said, bowing in respect.
Tony: *Monotone* All hail the mighty Mearas . . . All hail the purdy Shadowfax . . . All hail the-
Daisy: We get the point, Tony.
Tony: Sorry . . .

"Is the Lord of all horses, and has been my friend through many dangers."
Ta da! And we're off! Once again on board horses flying 'with all speed', according to Gandalf, to Edoras.
B.T: ………Did anyone make sense of that?
*virtual crickets chirp*
B.T: *nods*

Thankfully, I had no more mishaps on board my horse that by that way, I was not told the name of.
How rude of Eomer.
Legolas: How rude of Éomer? How rude of Éomer? :burnmad:
Halt: Uh oh . . .
*All move away from Legolas*

But then again, I guess I should have expected it…after all I'm a woman.
Daisy: Why am I suddenly ashamed of being a woman?
Geez, the way they make it out it's as if women here are all utterly helpless creatures.
Bourne: Uh . . . no they don’t
Damn…have they not seen Eowyn?
Tony: *snorts* Unless Éomer’s never met his sister and the soldiers their princess, I’d say they’ve seen Éowyn.
Oh…but then again, they wouldn't have yet seen her bravery because she hasn't shown it yet…and Eomer's probably disapproving of it anyways.
Legolas: Well, technically that made no sense, is he disapproving of her showing her bravery, which you just said she hasn’t done yet..or is he disapproving of her being brave?
Daisy: I doubt he’d be disapproving of her being brave, he’d be proud
Stupid chauvinistic males!
Daisy: Stupid little bit...*is Gibbs Slapped* Sorry B...Gibbs.
Tony: *smirks*

OoO

All: OOOOooooOOOOh

"Edoras and the Golden Hall of Meduseld." Gandalf said pausing in front of a city on top of a hill.
Halt: How descriptive.
"There dwells Theoden, King of Rohan, whose mind is overthrown. Saruman's hold over King Theoden is now very strong."
Oh dear…
All: You don’t say . . .
My wound is throbbing.
Daisy: She’s finally dying?
Bourne: We can only hope

I reach backwards into my pack and fumble for the phial.
I hear the cantering of hooves and feel a hand pulling the phial for me. I turn.
Tony: And Legolas punches her in the face, she falls off her horse and is trampled to death. The End.
*Everyone cheers*
Daisy: PARTY!
*Everyone breaks out the alcohol and chocolate*
Cleaner guy: OI! SPORK!! NOW!

"Here," Legolas says opening the phial for me.
Halt: And replacing the contents with poison *grins evilly*
"Thank you." I mutter taking the small bottle from him and taking a swig from it.
I breathe deeply as he takes the phial and replaces it on my pack.
Legolas: I swear this isn’t me . . . It can’t be me
"You alright lass?" Gimli asks from behind Legolas on Arod.
"Yeah." I answer, smiling. Then we ride on to Edoras.
B.T: That’s it? ‘Then we ride on to Edoras’? I think she needs to attend the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth and take the ‘Striding 101’ class!!
"Be careful what you say." Gandalf warned as we approached the Hall. "Do not look for welcome here."
Bourne: I wouldn’t blame them for not welcoming a sue.
"How encouraging." I hear Boromir mutter.
I shush him, smirking as we enter Edoras and ride up to the golden hall.
Daisy: *grinding his teeth* Capitalise. Golden. Hall.
Halt: Oh yes, you hate when people don't use capials in fics...

Uh… yeah… I think I agree with Boromir now…this is certainly very cheerful…the looks of suspicion have definitely replaced the proper welcoming looks.
Daisy: *as a random person* She looks Sueish to me...
Tony: *as a different random* Aye, the men don’t but she definitely does...

I hear it's all the rage in Mordor…
All: Wha?
Legolas: She knows what’s ‘all the rage in Mordor’?
Daisy: I KNEW she worked for Sauron..

"You'll find more cheer in a graveyard." Gimli muttered quietly as we drew closer to Meduseld.
See my point?
All: Uh... no?
We hop off our horses and climb up the stairs.
B.T: Tense change!
Once we reach the top, a group of guards walk out of the hall to greet us.
Sticklebacks,
Daisy: :M *looks up* Nickleback?
Bourne: No…the Sue is pretending to be innocent by using a non-swear word…
Daisy: *pouts*

they don't look happy…
Legolas: I wouldn’t look happy either.
Halt: Uh, you don’t look happy . . .
Legolas: Precisely.

"Ah," Gandalf said happily, in an I'm-getting-my-way sort of voice.
Tony: Ummm . . . :huh:
Lucky him.
"I cannot allow you before Theoden King so armed Gandalf Greyhame." Said whom I discerned to be the leader of the lot, as he was the only one without a helmet.
Daisy: Oooh, so that’s how you tell who the leader is . . .
"By order of…Grima Wormtounge."
Ooh, I sense some hostility there…I take it you're not particularly amiable with this Grima person.
B.T: I thought she was a huge LotR fan. If she was, she’d know about Rohan’s situation.
Bourne: But that would be logical, B.T.
Halt: You learn fast, Bourne

Gandalf nods at us and we surrender our weapons.
Mae: *pops in and cracks up laughing* :rofl:
Legolas: Uh, Mae?
Mae: I wonder how they did that . . .
Legolas: *smacks Mae upside the head* Mind out of the gutter. Now!
Mae: Owwwww *smirks*
Legolas: *sighs*
Daisy: *hi-fives Mae behind Legolas’ back*
You know how they only showed Gimli giving up one axe in the movies?
Daisy: *lights a candle for the death of canon and consistency*
Well, lookie here, he's brought out exactly eleven-count them eleven- axes.
He looks none to happy about it, I don't mind telling you.
All: *yawn and eat popcorn* :popcorn:
Aragorn…well you know him. A sword, a dagger, that nifty blade from Celeborn, another dagger, a bow and quiver, and another dagger comprised his arsenal.
Mae: Well he’s fairly well endowed now, isn’t he . . . :evileyebrow:
Tony: *jumps* Wha? Mae!! I thought you’d gone!!
Mae: *smiles sweetly and hugs Daisy* I’ma stick around and annoy Legolas for a bit
Legolas: *facepalms*

Boromir's was somewhat similar to this, except his was slightly more devoid of daggers.
Mae: *opens her mouth*
Legolas: *scary-elf-prince-glare*
Mae: :ph43r: I think I’ma go now *disappears*
Legolas: *sigh of relief*
Daisy: But Mae . . . :(

Legolas handed over his prized Galadhrim bow and quiver. Now, he is pissed.
Legolas: *indignantly* I was not!!
He reaches over his shoulder and whips out his twin blades, giving them a little twirl that makes me think that he might just gut someone with them when they're returned.
Bourne: She thinks Legolas is like that?
And now, are you prepared for the wonderful manners of the Rohirrim?
Halt: *snorts* As if you of all people can talk about manners…
I tap a soldier on the shoulder. "You taking my weapons or not?" I ask.
Tony: And that proves how stupid she is, seeing as they don’t want to give up their weapons…
Daisy: A normal girl would have had the sense to pretend she had no weapons..
B.T: Another tense change *headchairs*

He just stares.
"What?" I ask frowning.
"You-You're a woman Sue!" he exclaims as though it were a sin.
Halt: I wouldn’t be surprised if being a Sue was a sin!
"Brilliant!" I say condescendingly, clapping my hands and pointing at his shoes. "Now can you tell me what that is?"
Legolas: *violently headchairs*
Tony: Legolas, it’s alright, mate.

A few of the other soldiers laugh at this.
Bourne: Actually, they were laughing at the fact you can’t count...if you were pointing to his shoes, it should be ‘they are’ not ‘that is’…
I shove my weapons into his arms.
"Your staff." The ginger-haired dude said,
Daisy: Umm, Hama had golden brown hair, not red.
B.T: Maybe she’s colour blind as well . . .

gesturing at Gandalf's staff.
"Eh?" Gandalf asks blankly. "Oh. No, you would not part an old man from his walking stick?"
The dude purses his lips and pauses, thinking. He gives Gandalf a look and lets us pass. Gandalf drops a huge wink at us and leans on Legolas' arm.
Tony: And more movie scenes . . . <_<
I throw one last glare at the guard holding my weapons and enter the hall.
Bourne: But just before she wanted him to take her weapons . . .
Daisy: *lights a candle for the death of Logic as well*

It actually feels good to finally be out of the sun and into somewhere cool for a change.
"The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late, Theoden, King." Gandalf said approaching the throne.
B.T: *As Théoden* It’s the new ‘Ninety Minute Minion Services’ from Isenguard . . . they’re not the most hospitable of creatures, but I don’t have to pay for them, you know.
Sitting beside the king was the most loathsome looking man I have ever laid eyes on.
Daisy: Then she realised there was a mirror there
He looked as pale as death and seemed to have as much backbone as a squid.
Legolas: *snorts* Like you’re any better!
I mean, hello? Have you never heard of a thing called the Sun?
I've spent two months out in the sun and I've never melted.
But then again, I was under a cloak most of the time…and there wasn't really any light in Moria except for Gandalf's crystal thing.
But…
The point is: he should really spend a bit more time in the sun.
B.T: What . . .
Bourne: The . . .
Tony: Hell?
Halt: *raises an eyebrow* Was that supposed to be a train of thought?

And as for their king, well, it just makes me question the observation skills of people here…
I mean, they're worse than me!
Daisy: I didn’t think that was possible
How can you not notice a person looks more than half dead?
What have they been feeding him?
Note to self: make sure to check with the chef regarding the food they make before eating anything served in Rohan.
Legolas: As if the chef would lower himself to actually talk to you
Very good.
"Why should I welcome you Gandalf Stormcrow?" Theoden the zombie asked.
Halt: Théoden. Was. Not. A. Zombie!! He. Was. POSSESSED. By SAURUMAN!!!
"A just question my liege." Stated Grima, standing up. "Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. Lathspell I name him. Ill news is an ill guest." He grinned maliciously.
Ugh, now that is a sight I could have done without.
All: Do it again Grima!!! If you scare her enough she might run away or die of fright!!
"Be silent!" Gandalf snarled. "Keep your forked tongue between your teeth. I have not passed through fire and death to bandy words with a witless worm!"
Go Gandalf!
B.T: Lyk, go Gandalf!!11!!LOLZ!!!11!!
He raised his staff and Grima recoiled as though he had been burned.
"His staff!" Grima howled, backing away. "I told you to take the wizard's staff!"
Huh, and I'm the woman?
Legolas: :huh: Wait…did she just admit she isn’t a woman?
Bourne: I believe Sam the Sue is trying to say...I think she’s saying being called a woman is an insult…
Daisy: How. Dare. She. :burnmad:

Guards come rushing into the room trying to stop Gandalf.
Ah, the fight begins.
Oh bollocks, I have no great aptitude for hand-to-hand combat. Hal said so himself.
Halt: Hal?!?
Mae: *pops in again* She calls Haldir ‘Hal’ and Galadriel ‘Gala’ *pops out*
Legolas: :ph43r: WHAT?!?

Oh dear…
I throw a punch and feel it collide with flesh.
Daisy: Actually, when you throw a punch, you don’t think ‘I just hit flesh’ you usually think either ‘wow, this guy has hard bones’ or…
Bourne: I think I just snapped something.
Tony: You may also think @#$% !! or Ooowww.

Ugh, that was unpleasant.
I open my eyes, which I had unknowingly closed,
Tony: How can you unknowingly close your eyes?
Legolas: *tries* You can’t.
Daisy: No duh, Sherlock :rolleyes:

and saw that I had hit him square on the nose.
Hmm…this beginner's luck thing isn't so bad.
I hear a groan from behind me and turn.
Halt: You don’t actually need a new paragraph for each of those sentences . . . it makes this even worse to read . . .
Bourne: Is that possible?

I gave Legolas a surprised look. "He was about to hit you." He answered shrugging.
Oh…kay…
B.T: I.. I can’t believe I’m saying this . . . but I agree with her here
We continue fisting the guards.
Well actually, all I did was duck. I'm particularly useless at this. So Legolas ended up having to defend me most of the time.
Dammit.
Daisy: *raises an eyebrow* I thought she would have liked that.
Then, quite suddenly, there weren't any more guards. They were all on the floor.
Tony: The pink and Urple sparkles that surrounded the sue had choked them all . . .
Daisy: *lights another candle for the death of the Rohirrim*
Bourne: Uh, where are all the candles from?
Daisy: :shrugs: They just appear . . .

Gimli put a foot on Grima's chest. "I would stay still if were you." He growled.
"Hearken to me!" Gandalf said, now in front of Theoden. "I release you from this spell."
Then, Theoden laughs, a cold mirthless laugh that made my hair stand on end. That is one creepy laugh.
Halt: It wasn’t really that creepy . . .
Daisy: How do you know?
Halt: I found out how to use the DVD player *grins*
B.T: *facepalms*

And he just keeps on laughing…isn't that great?
"You have no power here, Gandalf the Grey." He said all cackling and whatnot.
All: Uh . . .
Gandalf throws aside his cloak, pissed I tell you, and Theoden gasps.
Daisy: *as Théoden* Dude...What have you been drinking?
Tony: *as Gandalf* Duuuude…you gotta try this stuff…it’s called vodka…
Legolas: I don’t see what that line has to do with being drunk…
Tony: He was pissed also means he was drunk

Maybe it's because he didn't expect that to be underneath the cloak, or maybe it's because of the bright light Gandalf was emitting. I don't really know.
"I will draw you Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound." Gandalf cried.
He then proceeds to exorcise,
B.T: And one, two three and down two three. Up two three and left two three…
Halt: *flatly* Everybody now!
Daisy: You realise she spelt it right..right?
B.T: Don't spoil the joke! It was funny <_<

or whatever you wanna call it, Saruman from Theoden.
Eowyn rushes into the room and makes for Theoden but gets stopped by Aragorn.
Oh dear… I don't think Arwen will be please if she ever learned of this…
Bourne: There never was anything between them on Aragorn’s part . . . and I’m sure Arwen would have understood Éowyn . . .
Actually, I'm a bit disappointed that I never got to see Imladris… I'm sure Arwen would've been awesome. As well as the sons of Elrond and all the studly elves.
Legolas: I wonder how Dan and ‘Ro would react to that…
"If I go-Theoden dies." Cried Saruman's voice threateningly.
"You did not kill me- you will not kill him." Gandalf answered jabbing at Theoden with his staff.
"Rohan is mine."
"Be gone!" he hollered.
Daisy: More freaking movie script . . . :headwall:
Legolas: :huh: Umm, he didn’t holler . . .

Theoden jumps
B.T: *groans and headchairs* Another tense change.
up and with one last jab; Gandalf throws him back into his seat.
I watch, as Eowyn breaks free of Aragorn's grip and rushes towards the King.
They whisper to each other for a few moments before the king turns to Gandalf.
"Gandalf?" he asks as though he weren't there.
Bourne: *as Théoden* Why have you brought a sue to my halls?
Tony: *As Gandalf* Uh, it just followed us? :wasntme:
Bourne: *As Théoden* Suuuuure . . .

"Breathe the free air again, my friend," he said smiling.
"Dark have been my dreams of late." He muttered looking around somewhat blearily.
"Your fingers would remember their old strength better—if they grasped your sword." Said Gandalf.
Mae: *pops in and sniggers*
Cleaner Guy: OI! YOU!! OUT NOW!!!
Mae: :immature: *pops out again*

You tell him whitey!
Legolas: …Whitey?! At least spell it with a capital…
The dude who had taken our weapons
All: HAMA!!
now walked over to the throne holding a sword.
Theoden, who was now thankfully more human looking, grasped the sword and pulled it out.
Mae: *pops in* That’s just begging for a dodgy comment . . . :evil:
Legolas: Mae! Out! Don’t make the Cleaner Guy angry . . .
Mae: *pouts and disappears*
Daisy: She’s right though…
Tony: *head slaps her*


With one infuriated glare on his face, he turned around to look at Grima who was cowering in a corner.
Legolas: Actually, He wasn’t in a corner, he was in the middle of the room where Gimli was keeping him trapped…pretty much
Geez, grow a backbone why don't you?
The guards picked Grima up and dragged him out of the hall. Once outside, they throw
Daisy: Threw. This girl like tense changes.
him out and he rolls down the stairs.
"Agh! I've only ever served you my lord." He said blood pooling at the side of his mouth.
Tony: The ticks and fleas in his clothes then decided to have a swimming carnival in the blood pool.
I take a step towards him, with the intention of helping him stand up but a hand closes on my arm. I turn to see Legolas. Why am I not surprised?
"What are you doing?" he whispers.
"I'm going to help him." I whisper back. "No one deserves to be treated like his.
B.T: His what?
It's inhumane."
All: Bwah?
Daisy: I think Shadow08 wants us to think how sweet and unbiased Sam is now...
Bourne: Ya think?
Legolas: She really thinks this is going to make us like the sue?
B.T: I think so...
Halt: *shakes his head* This is the epitome of patheticness.
Tony: I have to agree with you there, mate.

He holds me firmly in place and turns back to Theoden who was stumbling down the steps in a surprisingly menacing way towards Grima.
Daisy: Do I see another...tense change?!
All: NNOOOO!

"Your leechcraft would have had me crawling on all fours like a beast!" he shouted.
"Send me not from your side." Grima pleaded.
Bourne: *sings* I can’t liiiiiive without youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
*Everyone else cringes*

Uh—ok…he's losing my sympathy…I mean, he's already been caught. Why deny it when the proof's standing right in front of him holding a big sharp sword?
Theoden raises his sword, prepared to strike when Aragorn rushes forward to stop him.
"No my Lord!" he said pulling down the sword. "No my Lord. Enough blood has been spilt on his account If you cut a worm in half you get two worms."
Mae: *giggles and pops back out*
Bourne: Niice Mae *rolls his eyes*

He turns towards Grima and offers a hand to pull him up.
I stare as he moves to spit on the hand Aragorn offered.
"Bastard." I mutter. You're lucky he stuck up for you, you sniveling
Grima: *pops in* I would be more offended if she had spelt ‘sniveling’ with two L’s as it’s actually spelt..*pops out*
Everyone: :huh:

piece of filth! And to think I almost helped this guy!
On my left Boromir nods his head in agreement.
Legolas: The real Boromir would have killed her, not agreed with her.
We watch as Grima runs off through the crowd shouting at them to get out of his way.
Asshole.
Daisy: Bitch. Just because he made a stupid mistake and turned evil, doesn’t mean he was always that way
Legolas: You’re defending Grima?!
Daisy: It’s either him or the Sue…it’s an easy pick

"Hail Theoden, King!" Aragorn calls, kneeling. Everyone else follows suit.
"Do I have to?" I whine at the other three beside me.
Legolas: Of course you do, Bitch.
"Yes Sam." Boromir answers and pushes me down.
"I'm disowning you." I tell him annoyed.
B.T: How can you disown someone who’s not related to you?
Tony: You can’t

"Ah, but do you have your senses about you?" he asks.
"What?" I mutter, nonplussed.
Bourne: Why was she nonplussed?
"I seem to remember you saying that you would disown me when you got your senses back." He said grinning.
"So?"
"Forgive me little sister, but it does not seem as if those senses of yours have returned so you cannot disown me." He said looking very pleased with himself.
Daisy: *is dancing around and singing We No Speak Americano*
Tony: Daisy…?
Daisy: WE NO SPEAK AMERICANO!

I smack him upside the head. "I hate you." I mutter as we stand up.
"I love you too little sister." He says laughing.
All: No Boromir! You don’t!
"Where is Theodred?" came Theoden's voice. "Where is my son?"
Note to self: avoid light-hearted banter with brother
Legolas: HE’S NOT YOUR BROTHER YOU @#$% HEAD!
when someone has just died as it can be considered very insulting and insensitive.
A/n: waddya think?
B.T: Master Refie, I now hold more respect for your team than any other, how you survived I will never know
Tell me about it in a review! Now, you! Yes, you! The one who just read this story! Click the nifty purple button
Daisy: It’s not purple, therefore I can’t click it
a little ways down and type a few words! It'll make me happy! A happy writer equals to longer chapters and quicker updates!
Mae: *pops in* Heyy, she just gave us permission to flame her!! *cackles and disappears again*
All: :huh:

Now go on! Btw, Aya013, ArwenEvenstar83 and JustMe, I LOVE you guys! You never fail to review!

Legolas: *grabs a random piece of paper and writes down the names, muttering* I’m going to hunt them down and kill them slowly and painfully . . .



Cleaner Guy: It’s over now.
Daisy: *sighs in relief* Next time, force me to read a normal Mary Sue and listen to Justin Beiber at the same time. I beg you…
Tony: And Daisy’s gone insane.
Bourne: I don’t blame her. Well…As much as I’d like to stay…*takes off*
*Everyone chases Bourne*
Cleaner Guy: :evil:
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Paying Tribute to the Past
Mia, Vanille, Branar and Sesshoumaru very reluctantly enter the theatre, for they knew just what was in store for them this time. Another chapter of the dreaded shitpile “Stuck in Middle Earth”. Mastermind had requested the original second team to do the sporking this time, so Ami, Ace and the recently reawakened Refia were spared from the horror. The four unfortunates took their seats, and the lights in the theatre dimmed.

---

*Music cheerfully booms out of the speakers, and suddenly, lights are shining at the space before the screen of the theatre. A green, cool looking frog walks to the middle of the stage while applause can be heard from the speakers. The guests just stare as the frog bows.*

Kermit: Thank you! Thank you! And welcome again to the Muppet Show! We have another great show in store for you tonight, and our special guest this time is none other than-
Mastermind: Begging your pardon, master Kermit, but this is not why you are here.
Kermit: Oh. Okay. Excuse me, just acting out of habit.
Mastermind: You are forgiven, master Kermit. Now, would you be so kind as to take your seat so we can start? The sooner this is over with, the sooner I can hold my end of the bargain.

*Kermit goes to his seat.*

Mia: *frowns* Mastermind, what the heck is going on?
Mastermind: This is Kermit the Frog, from the Muppet Show, my dear Mia. He will be your guest sporker for this chapter.
Kermit: How do you do?
Vanille: What’s this I heard about a bargain, Mastermind?
Mastermind: Well, I promised Kermit that if he sporked with us, I’d buy you all tickets for the next Muppet Show this evening.
Kermit: It will be another great show. Our guest is none other than the great Elton John.
Mia: A real, good theatre show for a change? I’m all for it! Alright, let’s do this!
Vanille: Good to have you with us, Kermit.
Kermit: Thank you.


/n: it's the 18th and it's my birthday! Let's hope you're having a better day than I am..

Branar: Unfortunately, no , I’m reading this shitpile.

enjoy.. and please review if you can be bothered to do so..

Vanille: I can’t, sorry!

-Sam-
"You need not come to the funeral." A voice behind me said.

Kermit: Who is it?
Mia: I hope it’s the Grim Reaper, coming to kill her.
Kermit: This ‘sporking’ reminds me of Statler and Waldorf.


I turned around to see Boromir.
"Theodred's funeral?" I repeat. "Why not?"

Sesshoumaru: Because you are a rude, obnoxious, insolent, stuck-up whore who doesn’t belong there.
Branar: Amen.


"You should take the time to rest."
I frowned. "I'm fine Boromir."

Vanille (as Boromir): You won’t be once I’m through with you.

"No you are not." He said giving me a pointed look.

Kermit: What is a pointed look?
Mia: I have no idea, Kermit.


"You are staying here."
"And if I don't?" I challenge, glaring at him.

Branar: *facepalm* You don’t glare and challenge the son of Gondor’s Steward.

He glares right back, very heatedly.

Kermit: *applauds* Bravo, bravo!
Others: *agree with Kermit and applaud*


Ooh, scary man…

Vanille: Ooh, stupid sue…

"Then I shall strap you down!" he answered. "Then you shall have no other alternative."
Damn him…

Sesshoumaru: Correction: damn YOU.

"Fine." I mutter exasperated. "Fine."

*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *listens for a while* Oh, okay. *puts down the horn*
Mia: Who was it?
Kermit: The Department of Unnecessary Italics.


He shakes his head and turns to leave the room.
Stupid brother.

Branar: Stupid you for even thinking he’s your brother in the first place.

I plop down onto the chair and pushed my hair out of my eyes letting out a growl of annoyance.
Ugh!

All: Our thoughts exactly!

"My lady," came another voice, a different one.
I turn around to see Eowyn carrying Keiko and my other weapons.

Kermit: The question is, what is a Keiko?
Branar: The question is, who cares?


"Oh, hello Lady Eowyn." I greet heaving a sigh.

*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *listens for a while* Oh, okay. *puts down the horn*
Vanille: Who was it?
Kermit: The Society of Missing Commas.


She hands me my weapons and looks at my clothing. "Does it not get uncomfortable?"
I stare. "What?"
"Your clothes." She said, gesturing at my tunic and pants.
Ah, I don't think she's ever worn anything of the sort. A shield maiden of Rohan is expected to be well… a maiden…

Mia: No, really?

What was my point?

Branar: You tell us!
Kermit: What a dumb girl.


"No." I answer, putting my weapons down. "It's actually very comfortable."
"I never caught your name…" she says slightly abashed.

Vanille (as Sam): That’s because, lyke, my name’s running wild in the woods!

I smile at her. "It's Samantha. But I like to be called Sam."
She nods. "What is it like, traveling with warriors such as your companions?"
She looks interested.
I pause, thinking.

All: *laugh*
Sesshoumaru: It can think?


"Perilous." I answer.

*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *listens for a while* Oh, okay. *puts down the horn*
Branar: Who was it?
Kermit: The Society of Missing Commas, again.


"Because of the dangers you have to face. Annoying. Because you can't get a second's worth of privacy amidst all those men. But you learn to love them, no matter how infuriating because they're all you've got."
Which is true…
Gandalf is well… Gandalf…

Branar: Gee, for a moment I was convinced he was the Wizard of Oz. Thanks for clarifying!

Aragorn's always the leader… stern, proud and well…umm…rangerly….

Mia: Thank you, captain obvious.

Boromir is overprotective, sarcastic and oftentimes amusing when he's not in my face about something…

Vanille: Which must be all the time, considering that he has to berate the Sue constantly for her unbelievably rude and insolent behaviour.

Gimli is funny, sarcastic brave and honest…you can't help but like him. Height, beard, metal, axe, smell and all.

Kermit: Did she just say that Gimli stinks?
Sesshoumaru: Yes, frog.


Legolas…well he's studly…but we all know that. But aside from that, he's nice. He's quiet, yeah, but he cares.

Branar: *snorts* You wish he cared.

And he's smart, guess that comes as a pre-requisite when you're an elf-prince.
Who knew?
Ignore that…

Mia: With pleasure.

"Is there anything you need?" she asks.

Vanille: And now Eowyn’s reduced to being the Sue’s servant maid?!

I think and immediately begin to redden.
"Well…" I began. "Truth be told… I'm in serious need of a bath."

Sesshoumaru: Wash all you want, the Sue filth will never leave you.

She stares.

Branar: For she knows what Sesshoumaru just said is true.

Uhm… I think I know how crappy I look without you staring at me…
"Er—well you see we haven't really had time for such necessities during our travel and—I uh…"
I trailed off as she started laughing and I realize, uncomfortably, how clean she is and how I must look like crap compared to her.

Kermit: Well, at least she realizes it.

"What's so funny?" I demand in outrage.

Vanille (as Eowyn, thinking): Should I tell her she has birdpoop in her hair? Nah…
Mia (as Eowyn, thinking): Should I tell her Boromir’s behind her with his sword raised, ready to chop off her head? Nah…


It certainly isn't something to laugh about just because you're cleaner than me!

Branar: Because you’re a Sue, it is.

"Oh, my… I'm sorry Sam." She said stifling her laughter. "This way."

Kermit: The Society of Missing Commas called again.
Mia: We’d better get a phone subscription for their line.


I sighed and followed her to a door of a room on the far left side of the large hall-slash-room

Kermit: Excuse me, but what?
Vanille: Just the author being stupid. Let’s move on.


I was in. my eyes grew wide when I saw that there was a tub in it filled with water.
"I'm afraid no one can be spared to light the coals." She said apologetically.

Mia (as Eowyn): Because nobody wanted to prepare a hot bath for a Sue.

"Oh, no it's quite alright." I answer eyeing the tub of glorious water.
"I'll lay out some clothing for you in the adjoining room." She says pointing to a door and exiting.

Branar (bored): Wanna bet it’ll be one of Eowyn’s favourite outfits from when she was the Sue’s age?
Sesshoumaru (equally bored): Naturally.


Ah, glorious, glorious water!

*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *listens for a while* Oh, okay. *puts down the horn*
Branar: Who was it?
Kermit: The Department of Redundancies Department.


I seriously haven't had a decent bath since Lorien and I feel so disgustingly grimy.

Vanille: Trust me, it’s not dirt, it’s because you’re a Sue.

It's sickening.

Mia: Just like you are.

I don't know how Aragorn puts up with it.

Branar: He’s not a prissy sissy like you are, female.

Your clothes get all stiff and everything feels gritty. Then of course the dirt and sweat will make horrible stains.

Sesshoumaru: But of course! This creature is thrown in a world filled with evil where everything is out to kill her, has been in battles with orcs and other filth and all she can think of is what horrible stains that leaves on her clothes!
Kermit: *screams and tries to flee*
Mia: It’s useless, Kermit. We’ve tried.


Try picturing this: your clothes are brown and yellow with all the unpleasantries and that's not counting the orc-blood from the battles.

Vanille: Try understanding this: that’s how it is in medieval times.
Mia: You just fried her brain.


Also, there's the matter of grass and leaves and more dirt getting into your hair.

Branar: My, how dare they!

Plus, there's also the dirt and grime you get on your face during battles and sleeping on the ground.

Sesshoumaru: *groans* The wangsting is terrible.

Ugh!
It's horrible.
Just horrible.

Mia: Kind of funny how she just summed up our thoughts about this fic.

And it's kinda embarrassing when you're placed beside Eowyn who is like, clean and fucking immaculate compared to me and all my muddy gear.
A half hour later I emerge from the tub feeling wonderful
Who cares if it's cold?

Kermit: I do. We frogs don’t like cold.

Who cares if it's freezing?

Kermit: I do. We frogs don’t like freezing.

I'm clean!

All: We don’t care.

Oh joy!
Now it's off to get dressed.

Branar: Truly? I so expected you to waltz into the open without your clothes.
Kermit: *gulps*


Here's hoping Eowyn had enough sense to get me pants and not a dress.

Mia (getting irritated): Sue, get this: you’re in MEDIEVAL TIMES, women wore dresses, so suck it up, deal with it and behave!

Oh dear…
It's a dress!

All: So?

It's another dress!

All: We know.
Kermit: I know from experience that repeating an act displeases the crowd, unless the crowd itself has asked for it.


No!

All: Yes!

I don't do dresses!

Vanille: But guess what? You’ll HAVE to! You’re a woman in Middle-earth!

I stare at the blue thing that was in front of me.
"You do not like it?" Eowyn asks looking crestfallen. "I assumed you would like it…'Tis not very intricate."

*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *listens for a while* Oh, okay. *puts down the horn*
Sesshoumaru: Who was it?
Kermit: The Society of Character Rape.


Oh dear…she looks flustered.
I hold up a hand shivering slightly in the robe I had taken from the previous room.
"Whoa, whoa, cool it.

Mia: Knock of the slang. Eowyn won’t understand it.

It's not that I don't like the dress, it's just that I'm not comfortable wearing dresses."

Branar: Sucks to be you. Now shut up and get dressed.

She looks convinced by that explanation

All: Wha? Just like that?
Kermit: *is fiddling with the phone*
Mia: What are you doing, Kermit?
Kermit: Trying to call the PPC.


and complies when I ask her to get my pack.

Vanille: Eowyn’s really become the Sues’ personal handmaid.

I get dressed behind a screen and we walk back to the hall thing and sit down, a tray of food is on the table.
Good thing too…I'm ravenous.
"Now,"

All: *gasp* One of the commas is back!

I say after swallowing a bite of bread. "Do you suppose there's any way for me to join the funeral without my companions noticing?"
She looks confused.

Mia (as Eowyn): Why do you think we would allow a Sue to attend Theodred’s funeral?

"Why do you wish to hide from them?" she asks.

Branar: Because she’s a Sue and they are out to kill her.

"Boromir doesn't want me to go." I explain.

Kermit: And for good reason. You don't see me letting bad acts go on stage.

"He said I should take the time to rest and such, because we haven't had any for the past few days. Basically he thinks that just because they're older than me they can boss me around.

Branar: Newsflash: they can. Their authority far overrides yours.

I'm going as a respect to your uncle and to prove them wrong."
She blinks a few times guess she wasn't expecting that… I shrug.

Vanille: Common, when’s Eowyn going to slap her?

She smiles, and I notice for the first time how tired that smile is…like she's carrying the weight of the world.

Mia: Newsflash, you insensitive twit: in her own way, she does. Or haven’t you been paying attention to the movies and the books?
Kermit: Of course she hasn’t.


"Would it not be better to go for a more direct approach?" she asks. "Instead of hiding, why not face them head on?
I break into a grin, it's evil and both of us know it.

Sesshoumaru: Finally they have realized the true nature of the Sue! Hopefully it will get killed soon.

I like this girl.

Branar: But she doesn’t like you.

"What d'you have in mind?"

Vanille (as Eowyn): A wonderful plan that involves me taking off your head…

OoO

*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *listens for a while* Oh, okay. *puts down the horn*
Mia: Who was it?
Kermit: The Department of Bad Paragraph Breakers.


We ended up talking for at least a half-hour and it had nothing to do with the funeral. I think she was glad to have an excuse to forget about the sorrows that faced her that afternoon and just have fun with a fellow female.

Branar: In reality, Eowyn just wanted to keep an eye on the Sue, not trusting her to run unsupervised through her beloved Rohan.

But now, here we are.

Kermit: Where is here?
Vanille: At the end of the rainbow!
Branar: Bring back that pot of gold while you’re there.


I follow the march down to the funeral pyre, head down.

All: *gasp* She knows a basic sign of respect for a funeral!

There's nothing like a funeral to help you think about life. It's so fleeting…
I look at the corpse

All: Wait, what?!
Mia: CORPSE?! YOU DON’T CALL IT A CORPSE! CALL IT A BODY!
Vanille: Forget that part about her knowing basic respect for funerals.


of the King's son and can't help but wonder, did he know he was going to die when he woke up that morning and rode with his company to wherever it was they were supposed to go?
I wonder if he himself questioned why his father didn't even visit him during his hours of suffering. I wonder if this knowledge was what killed him in the first place.

Branar: The sad things is that this paragraph is supposed to show the Sue having deep thoughts.
Sesshoumaru: Even sadder is that it still sucks and her Sue is as despicable as ever.


Knowing that his father had forsaken him, could he perchance, have chosen death to escape the pain his soul was feeling?

Vanille: Oh stop trying to be deep, you fail at it.

Eowyn sang as they lowered his body into the pyre, looking close to tears.

Mia: Thank you, captain obvious.

I never realized from watching the movies and reading the books just how dark these times were.

Kermit: Judging from her behaviour so far, I’m guessing she still doesn’t.

People lost so much… their homes, their livelihood, and their loved ones…

Branar: And now they have a Sue added to the shitpile.

I can't help but wonder, during the wars that plagued my own world, did anyone ever stop to ponder what the loss would feel like?

Mia: Well, duh.

Did anyone think of the mothers and wives and sisters left at home and what they felt about being ripped apart with the ones they loved?

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru does not know what he despises the most: insolent Sue or trying-to-be-deep Sue.
Branar: Does it matter? They’re both horrible.


"Sam," Boromir whispered putting a hand on my shoulder and steering me back towards Meduseld.

Vanille: Smart Boromir. A Sue doesn’t belong at a funeral.
Mia: Unless it’s the Sue’s funeral.
Branar: Sues don’t deserve a funeral, female.


I follow, unblinkingly and then, feeling a sudden urge, I turn. I gazed at Theoden and Gandalf.
I feel for the king. I really do.

Mia: No, you don’t. You pretend to. You’re an obnoxious, stuck-up bitch who is rude to everybody she meets, and now you expect us to believe you can feel compassion for somebody you’ve just met? Get real, Sue.

He's a father who just lost a son, not an heir, a son. And he wasn't even able to tell him how much he cared before he died.
It makes me wonder…
Is that how my father feels at this very moment?

Kermit: No, I think he’s probably rejoicing.

Is he, perhaps, thinking that I'm dead?

Sesshoumaru: He’s praying for that, at least.

Is he mourning?

Branar: Hell no.

Boromir ushers me forward and I space out. My Uncle Albert once told me that the loss of a child is unbearable to a parent. He said he'd much rather lose all his possessions than his kids.
At the time, I didn't really understand, and I can't say I do now.

Vanille: Well, duh, you’re not a parent, are you?
Mia: For the sake of my sanity, I hope not.


At least, not completely.
But right now, it didn't matter that we were riding out to war, because all I could think about was my Dad and how much I wanted to see him again.

Branar: Go cry me a river.

OoO

*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *listens for a while* Oh, okay. *puts down the horn*
Vanille: The Department of Bad Paragraph Breakers again?
Kermit: Yes.


"Lass," came a gruff voice I recognized to be Gimli's. "Lass wake up."
I opened my eyes and blinked haphazardly at the beard that swam in front of my eyes.

Mia: Beards swim?

I fell asleep, heh, go figure.
"I'm up," I answer, sitting up. "I'm up."

Branar: We heard you the first time.

"Is she awake Master Dwarf?" Aragorn's head asked peeking into the room.
"Aye." Gimli answered.

Vanille: Another comma has gone missing.
Mia: It surprises me that the phone hasn’t rung yet.
Kermit: Maybe they’re overworked?


"What's happening?" I ask looking for something to get my hair out of my face.
"We make for Helm's Deep." Boromir answers, he looks pissed.
"Oh," I answer and add, just for the hell of it.

Sesshoumaru: Once again shows how terrible this creature is: bothering people who have more important things to do with questions just for the hell of it.

"And that's bad?"
"Yes," he answered picking up his weapons.
"Why?"
"Because there is no way out of the mountains, Gandalf said so himself." He said frowning. "They will gain nothing but death."

Branar: Of course, Shadow08, if you had really read the book you would know that Gandalf actually suggested going to Helm’s Deep.

I sigh. This is going to be a long trek.
"You best suit up Sam," came Legolas voice from behind me. "We leave in a few minutes."
"Great." I mutter. "You couldn't wake me up earlier could you?"
"We could." Boromir admits. "But we enjoy seeing you panic."

Vanille: We enjoy seeing that, too. But it would be great if you then actually finished the job, Boromir, and killed her.

I glare at them and swear under my breath.
"Assholes."

Mia: I was wondering where asshole!Sam had gone.

I run around the room packing loaves of bread and fruit in my pack as well as some new articles of clothing someone laid out for me.
Stupid companions continue to laugh at me as I slip and stumble around.
Arsewipes the whole lot of them!

Branar: And you’re the biggest arsewipe of all!
Kermit: Arsewip is not even a word.
Mia: I’m waiting for a call of the “Protect the English Language Group”.


"When you're done laughing your heads off at my expense, maybe one of you could hand me the phial in my pack. My shoulder's aching again."

Sesshoumaru: Let it ache. This Sesshoumaru enjoys seeing a Sue in pain.

Legolas stops laughing and walks over to me, phial in hand.
Aw, he looks concerned. Too bad I saw you laughing buddy boy.

Vanille: Oh, scary, what are you going to do about it, Sue? Wangst him to death?
Mia: She probably could do that, actually… *shivers*


"You have not been drinking it often enough have you?" he asks accusingly.
I snatch the phial from his grasp and take a swig. "Of course I have." I snap at him.
I'm lying, why yes I am.

Branar: Of course you are. That’s what you do best. You’re a horrible creature, after all.

"You lie." He said looking at me.
Oh no…

All: Oh yes!

"Don't look at me like that!" I say annoyed.
"Like what?" he answers.
"Like you can see through me." I retort, wrinkling my nose.
He looks confused.
I sigh and try to imitate the look he gives me. "There like that."
Boromir snickers and Legolas breaks into a smile.

Branar (as Boromir): Look at that ugly face!
Sesshoumaru (as Legolas): It is hilariously hideous.


"Oh." He says. "I think I understand now."
I thwack Boromir upside the head. "Stop laughing!"

Mia: You. Do. Not. Whack. The. Future. Steward. Of. Gondor. On. The. Head. Bitch.

I turn back to Legolas. "You have not been taking your medicine as often as you should be."
It's a statement now, not a question.

Kermit: I kind of figured that out after I saw no question mark.

"How would you know?"
"It would have stopped aching by now." He answers, shaking his head. "Would it truly kill you to try?"

Branar: Yes, it would, for he had secretly poisoned it.

"Grumble, grumble." I answer and reach for my belt.

Vanille: Is “grumble, grumble” even an answer?
Others: No.


I tie it around my waist and fumble with the straps.
Legolas gives an exasperated sigh and ties my belt for me.

Sesshoumaru: Truly, this Sue is pathetic. Can’t even clothe itself without aid.

Oh dear, he's in close proximity. Too close…

Branar: Unfortunately, it was too late to get away and he broke her neck. The End.
All: Hooray!


I look up to find his face close to mine.
Am I blushing?
Oh, guess I am.
He places a hand gently on my cheek.

Vanille: Ugh, cue the sappiness…
Kermit: I don’t mind sappiness. At least when it’s not in a story like this. We've gad some acts in our show that were sappy but still wonderful!


"You must take better care of yourself."
A knock came on the door.

Mia: Saved by the bell, or door in this case!

Glory halleluiah!

*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *coins start to drop out of the horn, and Kermit quickly catches them*
Mia: Who was it this time?
Kermit: Las Vegas.


We all turn.
"My lords and lady,"

Branar: *snorts* That’s hardly a lady. Truly, has everybody in Rohan lost their freaking minds?
Sesshoumaru: It is the Stupid.


a young boy said bowing as he opened the door. "We are leaving. The king is asking for you."
He exits and I turn away from Legolas and pick up my things.
That was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life.

Vanille: I hope you’ll get many more moments like that.

I walk out ignoring Boromir's knowing smirk and join Gimli, who had gone ahead without my noticing, and Aragorn.
We put our things on a horse and climbed on.
We're going to Helm's deep, oh joy!

Kermit: Is it over?
Mia: *letting out a sigh of relief* Fortunately, yes.
Kermit: Fantastic! I’ll see you all tonight for a REAL Show.
*Kermit vanishes.*
Vanille: Are we really going to a good show for once, Mastermind?
Mastermind: Yes, yes, I keep my word, always, don’t I? I’ve bought tickets for myself and all you guests for the Muppet Show. The show will start at 8 o’clock in the evening, so be prepared by then to leave!
Mia: Yes, sir!
Vanille: Best news I’ve heard since I came here. Aside from Refia waking up.
*All exit the theatre as fast as their feet can carry them.*

---

That evening, Mastermind and his seven guests went to watch the Muppet Show, and for the first time ever they enjoyed every minute they spent inside a theatre.



Review the story here.
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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Arya Svit-Kona
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Resident Nutcase
“While you’re taking a break from Dawnstar and Friend, you will be helping my other evil Mastermind friends spork Stuck In Middle Earth!” Lillybelle announced cheerfully.
The team groaned. They had been enjoying their relaxation period immensely and now they had to go and spork Stuck In Middle Earth.
“Now, none of that!” Lillybelle said when she heard their groans. “It will be fun!”
“Fun my foot!” Thranduil complained. “You’re going to torture us by giving us another fic where my son makes a fool of himself!”
“I know! Isn’t it great? Now, in, in!” Lillybelle shooed them into the sproking theater.
“And don’t forget! Have fun!”
“That woman is insane!” Thranduil said.
Arya turned to him. “You’re finally noticing that? I’ve known that since she started bragging about getting up earlier than me.”
“Well you do get up pretty late.”
“But she gets up at ungodly hours every morning and then she goes and wakes me up with her Santa doorbell thing! Well, I guess we should just get this over with.”
The team took their seats and watched as words started appearing on the screen.




Chapter 15: a unicameral form of idiosyncrasy
Arya: First, aren’t titles supposed to have capitals letters in them?
Islanzadi: Yes, but Suethors seem to think that they are above such things.
Eragon: What are the chances that the Suethor knows what unicameral and idiosyncrasy means?
All: 0

-Sam-
Glorfindel: Which Sam? Sam Gamgee or the Sue?
Arya: It is most likely the Sue.
Glorfindel: Then maybe the Suethor should specify that!

I would just like to take this time, while we're walking to Helm's Deep, to say that I am truly pathetic.
*All stare in shock*
Blodgarm: The Sue is admitting that she is pathetic?
Arya: She’s admitting that she isn’t the perfect person?
Eragon: Well all I can say is, ‘Sue, you are absolutely correct! You are pathetic!

But not in the sense that I can't do anything…
On the contrary, I can do a lot of things.
Arya: Things I’d rather not think about. :X
Eragon: I don’t think that she meant it in that way.
Arya: With the Sues these days, you never can tell.

Ok, so I don't really know what those things are half of the time but that's beside the point.
It's more or less because I did something so utterly cliché it hurts.
Glorfindel: Everything about you is cliché.
Not following?
All: Not in the slightest. You are very random.
Let me elaborate.
I'm in love.
Arya: With let me guess…*pretends to think* Legolas!
Thranduil: No! No! Not another one!!

And if that's not pathetic enough, I'm in love with someone I could never be with.
Thranduil: Yes! That is very correct! You can’t be with him because my son would never want to be with you!
And it made me realize for the first time that it never really matters that you avoid love altogether… it never really matters how unreachable the person is…because in the end, nothing really matters.
Arya: Is the Sue attempting to be wise?
Eragon: It appears so.

The heart makes its decision, regardless of the consequences and whether we want it to or not.
Blodgarm: You mean you can’t control your actions?
Glorfindel: That’s the worst excuse for a Sues actions that I’ve ever seen!

Ain't that just a kick in the head?
Islanzadi: Ain’t is not proper English Miss Suethor!
Arya: I don’t think that the Suethor is proper enough to be called a miss.

I absolutely love the dude and I have to live with the fact that all I'll be able to do is fantasize.
Thranduil: Good! Fantasize all you want because Legolas would never want you
It really, really sucks to be me sometimes.
Arya: Really? How you figure that out?
"You are quiet." Legolas says softly, falling into step beside me.
Glorfindel: You are quiet because you got your tongue cut out by us Sue haters.
I look up at him and give a small smile. "So are they." I said gesturing towards the people of Rohan.
Arya: And they are quiet because they are secretly planning your demise.
"Aye," he says, nodding. "But your silence is for a different reason I deem."
"Maybe." I mutter thoughtfully.
*All :blink:*
Blodgarm: The Sue is thinking?

OoO
Damn.
Islanzadi: Watch your language missy.
Arya: Why do Sues always swear?
Eragon: Maybe they think the number of swear words they know makes them look smart. *shrugs*
Arya: It makes them look extremely rude.

I wish I could've met Arwen.
Glorfindel: Like Lord Elrond will let you anywhere near his daughter.
Thranduil: His guards will kill any Sues on sight.

Maybe then I could justify Aragorn's actions.
I mean, I know he thinks she's sailing over to Valinor but… he and Eowyn are just so frecking cuddly I want to throw stuff at them.
Islanzadi: You’re only jealous because Legolas doesn’t want to cuddle with you.
Arya: Please do not say things like that! It gives me bad images!

Large, heavy, hard stuff.
Everybody pulls up as we set up camp for the night. Once everything was set up, I walk over to the cooking section and was just about to ask for some foodstuffs to convert to something edible when Eowyn walks up to me.
"Tis alright Sam." She said smiling brightly.
Blodgarm: Why would she smile at a Sue?
Arya: Probably to lour the Sue into a false sense of security.

"I already made some stew."
Glorfindel: Poisoned stew maybe?
Thranduil: Wishful thinking, mellon nin, wishful thinking.

Oh. Crap.
I smile and nod.
At least…I think it's a smile.
Might be more of a grimace to be honest. I haven't forgotten that Eowyn can't cook.
Arya: And remember Sue, she never really had any need to cook so don’t hate her for it.
Luckily she didn't seem to notice anything peculiar about my expression.
Blodgarm: She was too busy smirking because the stew was poisoned.
Arya: I wish. Then the story could be over and there would be no need for us to continue.

Thank god for the dim light of the evenings.
I sit down next to Gimli, Boromir and Legolas. Eowyn came shortly after, carrying a pot of stew and dumped out the stew then beat Sam to death with the pot
Blodgarm: Nice one Glorfy!
Glorfindel: Thanks…and my name is not Glorfy!
Blodgarm: Sure Glorfy.

She offers it to each of us who accept, except for Legolas.
Gimli examines his bowl gingerly with a spoon.
I resist the urge to laugh.
I look up to see Eowyn looking expectantly at us.
Damn, that means I have to take an actual bite of this… er—concoction of sorts.
I would throw this into the fire, but my manners prevent me from being so impulsive.
*All :blink:*
Arya: What manners? You don’t have any manners.

So instead of breaking it to her, we all take massive spoonfuls of the 'stew' and shovel them into our traps.
Islanzadi: I wish that all Sues wouldn’t talk like that. Is it so hard just to say mouth?
I watch as Boromir and Gimli try not to wince and I myself, try not to splutter.
"Is it any good?" she asks anxiously.
Eowyn, you're lucky you can fight well… cause honey you just can't cook.
We all nod, lying to the teeth.
Arya: Doesn’t she mean lying through their teeth?
Eragon: I’m pretty sure she does. Sheesh Suethor, at least get the phrases right!

Damn manners, damn manners to hell and back.
Arya: Apparently you already have because you don’t have any manners.
Eragon: Have we ever met a Sue with manners?
Arya: Not as far as I know.

"Do you think Lord Aragorn would like it?"
Legolas looks up and he and Boromir grin at each other, maliciously. But oh is it well disguised.
Blodgarm: But of course it isn’t disguised enough for a Suethor.
Glorfindel: (sarcastic) Of course not, because Sue can see everything!

Damn these boys are good.
Blodgarm: Knowing you Suethors, you aren’t talking about hiding facial expressions instead you’re talking about how good they are at-…mffffffffff!
Arya: *slaps a hand over Blodgarm’s mouth* Please, I’ve already got enough bad images as it is!

"Oh yes." Boromir answers sweetly.
"He will love it." Legolas adds. Nothing like adding fuel to the fire eh Legolas?
Blodgarm: *opens mouth*
All: Don’t start! We know about the connotations!

Eowyn walks off, a huge smile on her face.
I pour my 'stew' into the fire as soon as she's out of sight.
Islanzadi: How very polite Suethor. Pouring that stew that Eowyn had spent a long time making into the fire.
Arya: I bet there would be many people who would gladly eat that stew. Imagine if you were starving.
Eragon: (sarcastic) Ah, but if she was starving she would just make food out of thin air!

"Ugh, that is so not good. That isn't even anywhere near good." I mutter.
Gimli grunts in agreement and follows suit. He leans back, massaging his stomach.
Islanzadi: Is that a stray comma?
"Is there nothing decent to eat around here?' he mutters.
I stand up.
"Where are you off to?" Legolas asks, looking up.
"I am going on a pilgrimage." I answer rolling my shoulders.
"Dare we ask where?" Boromir mutters from his seat.
Eragon: (as Legolas) *mutters to Boromir* Hopefully she’ll be gone long enough for us to plan her demise.
Blodgarm: (as Boromir) Yess! Should we drown her, choke her, or just behead her?
Arya: (as Gimli) I vote for beheading. *starts sharpening his ax*
Eragon: (as Legolas) I’m personally in favor of digging her heart out with a spoon.

"If you must know dear brother, I am going to the cook to see if I can rustle up some grub for us." I snap at him.
Glorfindel: Why are you snapping at him? He was just asking.
"I don't know about you three but I am sick of lembas and I want to eat meat."
"Aye lass." Gimli said agreeing whole-heartedly.
Thranduil: As much as I hate dwarves, I don’t get how he could ever agree with that…thing!
Arya: It’s her Sueish powers come to life. Remember, everybody always agrees with a Sue.

"I could do with some meat. Off yeh get."
I grin at Gimli and walk off.
OoO
Sigh.
Nothing like a good meal to make you feel contented even though you're marching into a mountain prison where you're likely to get killed by Uruk-hai.
I did good.
Islanzadi: :headwall: When will these Sues learn proper English?
Arya: A simple fact: Sues will never learn.

Even though, truth be told, that was only pork, beans and tomatoes.
Glorfindel: What are these tomatoes?
Arya: Round red fruits that have seeds. In my opinion they are quite gross.
Glorfindel: Never heard of them. Since when were they in Middle Earth?
Arya: Since never.

I just improvised.
I'm good at that.
Note to self: next time Eowyn stops you from cooking, ignore her, so as to ensure that you and other companions actually get something decent to eat.
Alrighty.
Blodgarm: This Sue seems more random than most Sues. I mean at least most of them can keep the same train of thought for at least a little while.
Arya: That’s probably because this one is more Sueish than the rest we’ve encountered.

I massage my wounded shoulder gingerly. Damn, I think I shouldn't have forgotten to drink my medicine for two days.
Glorfindel: Idiot. That medicine is there for a reason.
Eragon: Maybe the Sue thought she had super healing powers. *shrugs*

Ow.
"You are still pained by your wound?" Boromir asks, seeing me.
I nod.
"The pain should have subsided by now." Legolas says, confused.
He walks over to me and sits down.
Thranduil: No! Don’t sit next to her! Stay away from her! *throws himself at the screen only to be held back by the others*
Eragon: We know what you’re feeling, but it won’t help.

"You have not been drinking the medicine." He states frowning at me.
Er—
"Of course I have!" I protest.
Arya: Liar, liar pants on fire!
He gives me a piercing a stare and arches one perfect eyebrow.
Dammit, I hate it when he does that!
Eragon: I sense Twilightish tendancies.
Arya: You too? Most Suethors seem to think that Legolas is the Edward of Arda.

It makes me feel like Plexiglas.
"Fine, I haven't drunk any for two days now, I keep forgetting. Now lower that eyebrow of yours before I rip it off your pretty face." I snap at him.
Arya: Empty threats Sue, empty threats.
He smirks.
I glare.
Blodgarm: Methinks that the Suethor is attempting banter
Eragon: Methinks that you are right.

Boromir suddenly has a coughing fit, which, come to think of it, might be a poorly disguised laugh.
I narrowed my eyes at him.
Legolas sighs and pulls out the phial from my pack.
"Drink." He says, handing it to me.
"What if I don't want to?" I challenge.
Glorfindel: (as Legolas) Then I’ll kill you. *aside* Why won’t she just drink the poison? It’s less messy that way.
Normally, I would just follow whatever it is he's telling me to do, but that look on Boromir's face is going to be infuriating before long.
"Need I remind you, my lady, that I could easily tie you up and force you to drink?" he asked sweetly.
Thranduil: And why, pray tell, would my son ask something of a Sue sweetly?
Arya: He wouldn’t, this is the OOC Legolas, remember.

I didn't answer. I looked into the fire and ignored him.
"Now you have done it Master Elf," Boromir said outright laughing now. "She is sulking."
Blodgarm: Just take the freakin’ medicine idiot! It’s there for a reason!
Legolas sighed impatiently.
"Sam…"
I ignored him.
Thranduil: You do not ignore the Prince of Mirkwood! He could chop off his head if he wanted to. Actually, I think he should chop off your goddamn head!
"Sam," he repeated in a gentler tone. "Will you not take the proper dose of your medicine? It will make the pain subside."
I stared at him before sighing.
I hate myself.
Glorfindel: Really? Well we hate you too.
Eragon: If you hate yourself so much, why don’t you go and throw yourself off a cliff?
Arya: Because then she wouldn’t be able to marry Leggy-kins!!!11!!!11

How could I refuse with those goddamned puppy-eyes staring at me?
"Fine." I answer resignedly. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate medicine?
Well, I'm saying it now.
OoO
I walked slowly in the semi-darkness, carefully stepping over the sleeping bodies of the people.
Oof.
"Oh, ow." I groan, falling to the ground.
Islanzadi: (confused) Why did she fall to the ground?
Arya: Maybe because somebody sneaked up behind her and stabbed her in the back?
Everybody else: We wish!

"I'm sorry; I did not see you Sam." The voice said holding out a hand.
Oh, it's Aragorn.
"Its fine Aragorn, don't worry about it." I answer brushing myself off.
He nods and walks off.
I pause.
Should I do something about him and Eowyn?
I mean, I like Eowyn and all but…
What the hey.
All: What?
Arya: That did not make sense.
Islanzadi: I think she meant to say ‘What the heck’.
Arya: Well that would make sense.

"Aragorn," I call turning around. Aragorn stops and looks at me and then rushes over and stabs me in the heart
All: We wish!
"Yes?"
I walk over to him and smile sweetly.
"I may not have met her Aragorn, but you would do well to remember."
He looks confused. "What?"
"One word: Undomiel." I told him quietly, as I touched the pendant that hung on his neck.
And with that, I turned around and walked back to the others.
Arya: Ugh, I can’t think of any more funny comments.
Islanzadi: There aren’t even any places that we can turn into dodgy connotations!

OoO
I sat beside the fire, trying to ignore Gimli's snores as he slept.
I look around at the sleeping people and sigh.
This is just too depressing.
Eragon: Yes it is. You’re wrecking all the canon of Lord of the Rings.
And, I'm bored. I can't sleep.
A noise catches my attention and I turn to see a group of little girls, not very far from our own little campsite, playing.
Arya: Wouldn’t any little kids be sleeping right now?
Islanzadi: No, because in Suefics things happen at all times of the day at the same time!

Disregarding the fact that it was much too late for them to be playing, I couldn't help but smile to myself as the wind carried the sound of their laughter towards us.
"What is it?" asked a voice, coming to sit beside me.
Arya: Let me guess…IT’S LEGGY-KINS!!!!11!!!1!!
I turned to see Legolas, should've expected that.
I pointed towards the girls and smiled.
They were chasing each other, in a game that reminded me of tag.
Blodgarm: Uh, wouldn’t it be a little dark to be playing tag? It would be logical…
Eragon: Logic, my friend, doesn’t exist in the minds of Suethors.

Of course, I don't think they call it tag, but that's what it looked like to me.
I felt a pang as I recalled how we used to play that game when I was little.
Arya: Oh, how touching…NOT!
Of course, I don't think there's anyone in my world that doesn't know that game, it's universal.
I hear another delighted giggle and saw a particularly tiny girl hold up a ball.
It's a beautiful sight.
"Aye, it is." Legolas agreed.
Whoops, said that out loud.
Eragon: This Sue really is an idiot. She can’t even tell if she’s talking or thinking.
I should really work on that.
It's a nice reprieve looking at these little girls.
It's a nice change from living in a world of war and destruction, where you're constantly on the lookout for an enemy.
It's nice to know that even through these dark times children will always be children.
Arya: Please tell me that this is not a Sue trying to be philosophical.
Glorfindel: It isn’t a Sue trying to be philosophical.
Islanzadi: This Suethor seriously needs to learn how to make complex sentences.
Arya: Hey, it’s better than run-on sentences.

A soft thump sounded at my feet, and I look up, realizing that I had spaced out.
Again.
That's another thing I should work on.
I pick up the ball and examine it.
"Where'd this come from?" I asked looking at the sky.
Eragon: Seriously, you’re an idiot! Didn’t you just seconds ago say that one of the little kids had a ball?
Legolas nudged me and looked pointedly at the edge of our camp.
I followed his gaze and saw that the little girl, the tiny one, yeah, was standing at the edge of our little campsite, twiddling her thumbs, wide-eyed with fear.
I gesture for her to come over and she does, slowly.
Boy, I've never seen anyone this scared for a long time.
When she finally reaches me I smile kindly down at her.
"Is this yours?" I ask gently, so as not to frighten the tiny thing.
Honestly, she has to be no more than five.
She nods looking at the ground.
I put a finger under her chin and turn her face upwards.
"You got a name kiddo?"
"She-Sheli my lady." She answered timidly.
Arya: And here we go again with the non-Middle Earthy names. Can’t these Suethors just take the time to go to a name generator?
Thranduil: (in a mystical voice) Ah, but Suethors think that any name they choose is perfect!
Arya: Okay, that voice coming from you is creepy.

"Why do you look so scared?" I asked her in concern.
"I- I saw you when you came to Edoras. You are a warrior, I saw your sword."
I smile. "Yes, you're right I am a warrior, and so are my companions. But that's no reason to be afraid, we won't harm you. Would you like to sit down?"
Glorfindel: *shakes head* Why do all these Sues have to be warriors? Most of them are ‘naturals’ with fighting, which I know doesn’t happen.
Arya: Because in order for them to join the Fellowship they have to be the greatest warrior that ever lived.
Glorfindel: Ah, so they want to be me.
Arya: Um, well, they kind of have to be girls…
Thranduil: Please no! Do not talk about that! I can’t stand slash!


She nods and sits down beside Legolas. The little girl had thick black hair that fell in ringlets around her small face, and big blue eyes. She even had trouble pronouncing the letter r; it came out as a w.
She was actually quite adorable.
"How old are you child?" Legolas asked.
She holds up one hand. "This many."
Aww, that's so cute.
"Where's your Mamma Sheli?" I asked. "Is she sleeping?"
Islanzadi: That should have been ‘Where is your mamma, Sheli?’
She nods and points over to a campsite.
"Mamma's over there." She answered.
"What about your Papa?"
The little girl looks sadly down at the grass by her feet. "Papa…Papa was with Prince Theodred.
Arya: Okay, where’s the accent?
Glorfindel: Again the Suethors seem to have forgotten how to spell their names.

Mamma says he went away for a while…"
Islanzadi: And…she forgot a quotation mark.
Oh…
Oh dear…
That means her father's dead.
Ambushed by orcs.
"You handled that well." Legolas told me once Sheli had gone back to her mom.
I hung my head and didn't answer.
Sheli's plight wasn't so far from my own after all.
She had lost a father, and I had lost mine.
Blodgarm: Oh seriously, why do they always seem to be missing at least one parent?
Arya: Because the Suethors think it will make us care for her Sue. Instead it makes us dislike her even more because it’s so cliché.

In the end, I had asked Sheli if she was hungry and fed her some of the leftover stew I had.
And when her mother woke up and came looking for her I smiled and gave her the pot.
"Thank you my lady, thank you." She said, gratefully.
Thranduil: Why in the world is she grateful towards a Sue, and why in the world is she calling her a lady? She is anything but.
"No problem." I answered
Sheli's mother was nice. And you could tell how relived she was to find her little girl.
Islanzadi: Relived should be relieved.
I wish my mother had been like that.
Arya: Not again with the horrible parents thing! Stop trying to make us feel sorry for you!
Blodgarm: Because we never will.

"Sam?" Legolas peered at me in concern. "What is it? Why do you weep?"
I'm crying?
I reach up and feel my cheeks, they're wet.
All: No shit Sherlock.
Oh poopie, I am crying.
Islanzadi: Language, Sue, mind your language.
"It isn't fair." I whisper crying all the more.
Oh damn, I have no control over myself do I?
Arya: Just another excuse of why she’s running Legolas. She can’t control herself.
"What is not fair?" he asks putting his hands on my shoulder.
"This," I gesture to the people sleeping all around us, to Sheli. "All of it. It's not fair. Look at that little girl; she doesn't deserve to lose a parent at such a young age! What does Saruman think he's playing at? So many lives are at stake…and for what? For a ring! For a stupid bloody ring! Why is power so important? What about them?"
Blodgarm: *yawns* More of the trying to all wise and philosophical. I’m getting sort of bored with this. How many pages do we have left?
Arya: Five.
Blodgarm: It’s funny, this started out being 16 pages long and it’s turned into 23 pages.

I pointed again to the children. "Doesn't anyone see that this will affect them most of all? Don't they understand how pointless this all is?"
Thranduil: Sue, you don’t get it. Men desire power. They don’t care who they kill. *to himself* And hopefully they will kill you.
By now I had been reduced to a useless teary-eyed mass, but Legolas held me.
Thranduil: *opens mouth*
Glorfindel: We know, it’s just the Suethor making them seem all mushy mushy together. It’s probably not even the real Legolas.
Arya: It’s probably a clone.

He whispered elvish nothings into my ear and stroked my hair to soothe me.
Before long I succumbed to the inevitable and fell into sleep.
All: So dramatic! NOT!
OoO
God hates me.
Arya: He does? Good! That means he’ll kill her!
He does, he's punishing me for being a non-believer.
All: Good!
I'm gonna cry…
All: Not good!
I'm blushing so much I'm going to have an aneurism soon.
Islanzadi: She probably doesn’t even know what aneurism means.
Oh, I'm sorry; I'm not making sense am I?
Arya: Sorry to break it to you Sue, but you never make sense.
Remember last night, when I was crying my eyes out like a pathetic little female?
Glorfindel: Which is exactly what you are, but yeah.
Well, I fell asleep as you may recall, and was so rudely awoken by my adopted brother's laughter and Gimli's whooping.
All: Uh, what?
Eragon: Who would want to be that Sues brother?
Everybody else: Nobody

So my first thought was: 'Now what are those two yabbering about?"
I hadn't opened my eyes at that point in time yet, because I still wanted to sleep.
Thranduil: You know, refusing to wake up at a time like that is what’s going to get you killed.
So instead of rising and opening my eyes, I chose to ignore them and snuggle closer into my warm pillow.
And that's when I realized, PILLOW?
I don't have a pillow!
We don't use pillows!
And why the bloody hell is it warm?
So, eyes still pressed firmly shut (in case it's some sort of animal), I placed my hands in front of me and pressed gently on whatever it was.
And do you know what I felt?
Arya: The pain of somebody stabbing you to death?
Leather.
Mm-hmm.
Leather.
A leather clad chest.
Oh, crap.
Then I breathed in the scent of pine.
Oh shit.
Oh shitstick, pie and corn noodles!
My eyes snapped open and who should I see?
None other than Legolas, son of Thranduil aka Prince of the woodland realm!
Thranduil: *is about to throw himself at the screen and throttle the Sue*
Needless to say, I was shocked out of my pants—figuratively speaking of course.
Blodgarm: Though you wish you were, because then you and Legolas could-OW!
Arya: *slaps Blodgarm* Don’t say it! My mind is scarred enough as it is from Celebrian!

I jumped up with a scream.
Thus waking the pretty elf that had his arms around me.
Then, I started sputtering and rambling.
Here are a few samples of my incoherent statements:
"Whug!"
"But— you!" point wildly at elf. "And—I don't!" stare around wild-eyed.
"Narf!"
"Sleep— cry—but!"
"No, Ugh!"
All: Just shut up!
And with that I stormed off leaving three very confused (and amused) males behind me.
Sod, sod, SOD it!
God hates me, there's no other reason behind it.
All: Good, we’re glad he hates you. That means he can kill you.
OoO
THWACK. THWACK.
"Sam?" came a voice from somewhere above my table of sorrow.
Eragon: What’s a table of sorrow?
Arya: No idea. It’s probably the Suethor trying and failing to be poetic.

I'm being melodramatic, yes, shut up.
"What are you doing?"
"Thwack-I'm-Thwack. Thwack- trying to see how many-Thwack- times I have to-Thwack
Thwack, thwack-hit myself before I- thwack- die."
All: You are? Good! Thwack a bit harder please! You’ll die quicker!
Why yes, I am hitting my head on the table.
I hear an exasperated sigh coming from Aragorn.
"Would this perchance have anything to do with a certain incident this morning?" he asked shrewdly.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." I answer, still thwacking my head on the table.
Arya: Liar, liar, pants on fire!
Hey, first rule of life: if you get into trouble, always try the innocent tactic first. If that fails, be creative.
Arya: Actually lying is usually worse than telling the truth. I would know.
Blodgarm: Are you talking about that time you lied to your dad about watching Bleach on youtube?
Arya: No.

"No indeed." He said, raising an eyebrow. "Then you would not mind it so much that you and Legolas will be placed beside each other from now on.
"WHAT?" I shrieked.
Aragorn grinned. "Ah."
I glared at him and muttered, "I'm going to kill Boromir."
"Twas not your brother who told me." He said gently.
I stared at him. "Then who did? Gimli?"
He shook his head. "The elf himself did. He said he was trying to comfort you last night and you fell asleep in his arms."
I burned scarlet again. I hate being a woman.
Stupid tears.
Ugh!
Arya: I’m so sick of this fic I can’t think of anything to say anymore.
"Don't look at me like that Aragorn, I have no idea what you're talking about. But I'm going to kill Boromir."
"Of course Sam." He said knowingly. "Of course."
Arsehole.
Islanzadi: *opens mouth*
Arya: Yes, we know about her horrible, dirty language.

OoO
Ugh, and we're walking again.
I truly am so sick of traveling, marching and running.
Glorfindel: So then why did you come on this quest anyway?
Arya: So she would be with Leggy-kins, of course!!11!!1!1!

I would like to point out that I haven't had any proper sleep in days and the one night that I did I woke up beside an elf.
Although, let me tell you, I wouldn't mind sleeping in his arms again.
Blodgarm: We very well know that. You wouldn’t mind doing that and-mmmffffffff!
*Eragon slaps a hand over Blodgarm’s mouth then Arya ducktapes it*

The chap is very well toned and huggable.
And—oh yum!
Ugh!
Bad thoughts! Very bad thoughts!
I'll stop now, before I inflict cooties upon myself.
Ugh!
Arya: This fic is rated T, right?
Eragon: Don’t worry, it is.
Arya: Good. I don’t think I could stand any…:X

I am now rather scared of going to sleep, for fear of waking up beside someone who I should not be beside.
A nice, warm bed would be extremely welcome right about now though.
We've made good on our journey. We're now near the White Mountains and I'm expecting a warg attack sometime in the near and prominent future.
Thank goodness the boys are in the front of the line with Theoden.
Islanzadi: And you’ve forgotten the accent, again.
I can't stand to look at my brother's face.
Or at Legolas' for that matter.
"WARGS!" shouted a voice a few feet away from me and Charcoal.
Yes, Charcoal is my horse.
Shut up.
All: Yes, do shut up.
I like the name; after all, he is black.
Arya: And Charcoal is the only name you can use for a black horse. What about Shadow, or Ebony?
"WARGS! We are under attack!"
Oh, peachy.
I hear the worried clamor start up around me as the women fret over their lives. I climb up Charcoal and ride forward.
Glorfindel: Now I’ve ridden horses all my life, but never have I ever climbed up a horse.
"All riders to the head of the column!" Theoden called.
"Sam!" Boromir calls, seeing me. "Go with the people!"
I glared at him. "No!"
"Go to Helm's Deep! NOW!" he shouts angrily.
I shake my head in defiance and unsheathe Keiko.
Arya: Keiko? That’s not exactly the greatest name for a sword
Others: …
Arya: And do not make any connotations toward the word sword!

I rush forward with the rest of them.
I'll be damned if I don't fight. I'll be damned before I give up without a fight. I'll be damned before I forget about that little girl and how these misfits killed her father. I'll be damned if I leave my friends.
In the words of Merry: You would have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us.
Amen to that!
With a sharp cry, we clash against each other.
Let the battle begin.
All: And lets hope you die in it.
Important a/n: holy shamoly! That was a long one! Hope you enjoyed that!
All: We didn’t
Anyways, the thing is, the reason I've been able to update regularly is because I focused all of my time on this story during the last two weeks before school began.
All: And we’re happy for that. That means you can’t update and torture us anymore with this crap.
But this is the last one, and I haven't had time to write anything as of yet. So I hope you'll bear with me and wait patiently. I have a killer exam in economics on Thursday and I hafta do some revision. Imaging, 3 weeks in school and already I'm working like a camel! They don't know what they're playing at, honestly! But still, hope you guys understand!
All: Forget it Suethor, you won’t get any sympathy from us.
Review responses:
God it's been so long since I put one of these, you're all feeling neglected aren't ya?
Arya: Oh, joy. We have to live through you thanking your reviewers for lying to you and telling you your work is great.
Just Me: thanks! Hope you like this one!
All: We don’t
BlackRosePoison-Orchid: I've been meaning to ask, we? Are you like a group? Anyways, studly means hot, as in hella hot. Heh, anyway, you can whack Leggers on the head so long as he isn't damaged in any way. Cause if he is, I'll have your head. (kidding) heh.
Demee: I sent you a reply through e-mail right?
Wanna-be elf girl: glad you like my story. It means a lot to know that I'm doing well.
All: Wanna-be elf girl is lying. Your story is horrible.
Aisling Jace: ooh, haven't seen you in a while! Glad you re-discovered my story and still enjoyed it! Keep reading!
All: We won’t if we can help it.
ArwenEvenstar88: no worries, I have no intention of having it develop into a full blown romance—yet. Haha, you never know, it might, gradually, or it might not and I'm just doing this to mess with all of you. Heh.
Arya: Oh, you think you’re so funny. Well you aren’t.
Coldplaygirl: thanks a lot! A craftsman is always glad to know her work is appreciated, even though—this isn't really craftsmanship. Not really it's more of an art, according to my English teacher. Carmi? Well, as much as I'd like to get rid of her, I can't. she's still lurking around here somewhere, I have yet to check the page bottoms so maybe she's there!
Rockerchick: thank you so much!
There ya go! Click the nifty button and leave me a word or two, that's all I ask!
All: We refuse to review this horrible fic.
*All exit the theater*
One part fool, three parts brave-Brom in the Eragon movie

It's better to ask forgiveness than permission-Brom and Eragon in the Eragon movie

A red sun rises, blood has been spilt this night-Legolas, The Two Towers

God is great
Life is good
Oh, and Legolas rules


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