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MST: Stuck in Middle earth; A gigantic Sue fic.
Topic Started: Aug 1 2009, 07:18 PM (2,670 Views)
MackenzieW
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Resident Time Lady
“Is it too early to order a Christmas CD?” Mackenzie asked Remus, as the two sat in the theater. Mackenzie often used it for its internet connections while Remus liked to go in there for some quiet.

“It’s the beginning of October, you went on a rant when K-Mart ran a Christmas commercial while watching America’s Next Top Model…”

“To be fair, that was in September.”

“You’re the girl who makes it point to slowly add Christmas songs to her iPod starting after Halloween, I’d say, yes, it’s too early to order a Christmas CD.”

“Oh,” Mackenzie replied.

The two fell back into silence. After a little while, Remus sighed and put down his newspaper. “Now I’m curious. Is it this year’s Carols for a Cure?” he asked.

“Oh, I haven’t even thought about that!” she exclaimed. “No, it’s Celtic Thunder. They put out a Christmas CD.”

“Oh. But that doesn’t mean you have to buy it right now. It’s not like they’ll run out, right?”

“Right. I guess I can wait,” she agreed. “I guess I just got a little fanatical.”

“This is where you two are hiding!” Voldemort said, entering the theater. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“That’s never good,” Mackenzie whispered to Remus. He nodded.

“I’ve signed you up for another round robin!” Voldemort announced. Mackenzie and Remus stared at him for a few seconds before trying to run from the theater. “Oh no, you don’t! You’re doing Stuck in Middle-earth, whether you like it or not!”

Mackenzie and Remus grimaced but sat back down as the others entered. “He found you lot too,” Sai commented, sitting between Remus and Mackenzie. They only nodded.

“Enjoy!” Voldemort said before leaving. They heard the theater door seal shut, sealing their fates.

Mac: Okay, the sooner we do this, the sooner we get out of here.
Remus: Yeah.
Mac: Chapter 16: Teaser Wheezer
*Erik runs to door and tries to claw out.*


a/n:
Quatre: Oh no! Pretentious Words from our Author!

hey all!
All (flatly): Hi, Suethor.

Here's a little teaser to let you know that I haven't forgotten about all of you's
Mac: You is the plural form of you! It’s like moose!

or anything! So I've just started this and I haven't been working on it for ten minutes.
Mac: What?
*She joins Erik in trying to claw her way out*

Don't know when it'll be done, so watch out for it anytime! Hope you enjoy, and let me know what you think!
Remus: You’ll regret that…

-Sam-

Sai: So, we’re seeing this from Samwise the Brave?

Bleeding hell!
Remus: That’s not very promising.

I'm sorry, but that just about sums this whole thing up.
Sai: That’s REALLY not promising.

Orcs and wargs are scattered around either getting decapitated or decapitating. It's just so ironic, the hillside is so beautiful and yet here we all are.
Remus: I’m lost.
Sai: Where’s the script?
Quatre: MAC!


Honestly, I've been fighting the urge to run.
Octavius: That makes two of us.

Not because I'm afraid, mind you, but because my stupid shoulder hurts so fricking much.
Sai: Sue in pain!
*Erik stops scratching*
Erik: Where?


When I see Carmi, remind me to kill her.
Sai: If Carmi is a Sue like you…
Erik: We’ll help.


Or torture her to insanity, whichever seems better.
Sai: Oh. Then you’ll want Voldemort to help you with that.
*Mackenzie returns and sits down*
Mac: I give up.
Erik: Cheer up! Sue might die.


"Sam!" I hear a male voice scream behind me. I turn, after beheading a leering orc.
All: Eww.
Mac: And the Sue’s name is Sam? Oh Jonas, it isn’t Tama, is it?


It's Boromir, and he's glaring.
Erik: For he knows she’s a Sue.
Quatre: Go Boromir!


Why, may I ask, are you glaring at me like that? I'm fighting for the same side aren't I?
All: No.

"I told you to go with the women and children!" he bellowed angrily,
Mac: Oh no! Not another Boro-Sue!

slashing fiercely at an attacking opponent.

Damn, he's good.
Sai: Yes. Yes, he is.

"Well it's too late for that now, Sherlock!"
Mac: Oh dear Jonas, is this another bamfed into Middle-earth?
Remus: I thought the title would’ve been a giveaway.


I shot back, stabbing a warg in the eye. "If I leave now, I'll do more harm than good!"
Erik: I highly doubt it.

He stared at me, hard. There was a smoldering flame in his eyes that I had never seen before.
Mac: He’s fighting off the Stupid!

I felt my blood run cold as he slowly raised his sword.
Erik: Where’s my popcorn machine?

There was a naked hate in the way he stared at me, that made me take a step back.
Mac: I think we may actually get to partake of the popcorn.
Remus: What have you been reading?


A scream escaped from my throat as his arm shot towards me, sword poised and ready to strike.
*All hold their breath, excitedly.*

A split-second later I was on the ground, wide-eyed with fear.
*They are now clutching each other in anticipation*

Had my own adopted brother just tried to kill me?
Erik: If I had a say in it, yes.
Mac: Wait, wait, wait. Adopted BROTHER?


Was disobeying his orders of staying with the women and fighting instead, with the men of Rohan
Mac: Wait, wait, wait. We’re in Rohan and Boromir’s ALIVE?
Quatre: You’re not going to break again, are you?


enough for him to want to end my life?
Octavius: I’d say yes, if Boromir had broken free of your siren song!

a/n: waddya think?
*There is silence.*

Lemme know in a review!
*More silence*

Click the nifty purple button ok?
All: No.
Mac: Well, that was quick. Everyone out!
*Voldemort appears on the screen*
Voldemort: Everyone stay. You have another chapter.
*They groan.*
Mac: Chapter 17 horses, wargs, psychobrothers and stress
Quatre: Dear Suethor, it’s called the shift key.


a/n:
Quatre: More Pretentious Words from the Author!

hey all!
All (flatly): Hi.

Here's the real chapter 16!
Erik: Oh Jonas.

Hope you like it,
All: Doubtful.

and by the way I've decided to accord one of you each chapter to send in something they'd like me to add to the next chapter.
All: WHAT?

Like a scene involving Eowyn and Aragorn,
All: Bwah?

or a sam and Legolas
Mac: Of course this is a Legomance! Of course!

love moment. You decide.
Mac: Can we get a really gore death scene for the Sue?
Jareth: And she stays dead?

This time, I have chosen the reviewer that goes by the name of anonymous!
Mac: Lucky bint.

Send in your request via review! I shall be expecting it!
*Erik rubs hands together*

Oh and kudos to all the people who sent in their theories1
Octavius: Theories? There are theories? About what?
read on to find out if you were right!

Chapter 16: horses, wargs, psycho brothers and stress reports….
Quatre: It’s called the “shift” key.

-Sam-


Bleeding hell!
Sai: Didn’t we read this already?

I'm sorry, but that just about sums this whole thing up.
Quatre: We did read this already!

Orcs and wargs are scattered around either getting decapitated or decapitating. It's just so ironic, the hillside is so beautiful and yet here we all are.
Erik: Yes, we are. Voldemort has discovered a new breed of torture.

Honestly, I've been fighting the urge to run.
Remus: Please don’t. Head for the nearest hills.

Not because I'm afraid, mind you, but because my stupid shoulder hurts so fricking much.
All: Uh-huh.

When I see Carmi, remind me to kill her.
Erik: If she’s a Sue like you, gladly.

Or torture her to insanity, whichever seems better.
All: We vote death!

"Sam!" I hear a male voice scream behind me. I turn, after beheading a leering orc.

It's Boromir, and he's glaring.
Mac: Oh, right, Boromir’s alive.

Why, may I ask, are you glaring at me like that? I'm fighting for the same side aren't I?
All: Still no.

"I told you to go with the women and children!" he bellowed angrily,
Quatre: Why aren’t you on the lifeboats with them!

slashing fiercely at an attacking opponent.

Damn, he's good.
Mac: Damn right he is!

"Well it's too late for that now, Sherlock!" I shot back,
Sai: How witty.
Octavius: Not.

stabbing a warg in the eye.
Sai: Is that going to kill it?
Mac: Or just piss it off more?

"If I leave now, I'll do more harm than good!"
Quatre: Still not logically sound.

He stared at me, hard. There was a smoldering flame in his eyes that I had never seen before.
Erik: I’m starting to like that look.

I felt my blood run cold as he slowly raised his sword.
Erik: Popcorn?
Mac: Nah.

There was a naked hate in the way he stared at me, that made me take a step back.
Remus: I’ll have some. Even if the Sue lives, this is still great.

A scream escaped from my throat as his arm shot towards me, sword poised and ready to strike. A split-second later I was on the ground, wide-eyed with fear.
Sai: This is the best part.

Had my own adopted brother just tried to kill me?
Quatre: If we had our ways, yes.
Mac: I’m still not getting the whole “adopted brother” bit.


Was disobeying his orders of staying with the women and fighting instead, with the men of Rohan enough for him to want to end my life?
Octavius: Considering we use “existing” as justification…

Cold and shaking, I pushed myself off of the ground.
Sai: Aww.
Mac: There are still wargs and Orcs around.

What was going on?
Quatre: Oh no.

My mind drew a blank.
Mac: Of course, amnesia.
Sai: We’ve stumbled into a soap opera.
Remus: You know that’s where all Suethors get their inspiration.


Bloody hell I think I'm going into shock.
All: Oh.
Mac: Amnesia in a battlefield is much more intriguing.


Somebody shake me.
Sai: That’s not how you treat shock.

Oww…
All: PAIN! YAY!

That hurt.

Ok, asking for a shake? BAD idea.
Erik: But…But I’m not there…Or am I?
*He ponders this as Quatre hands Mackenzie his phone*


Mainly because instead of a tiny, teensy-weensy little shove I got a full on push that sent me hurtling down a freaking slope!
All: YAY!

Isn't that just wonderful?
All: Yes.

Oh by the way, I figured out that whole thing with my brother and have just realized what a pathetic assuming little git I truly am.
Erik: A self-aware Sue?
Mac: Someone check to see if pigs are flying!


See, there was a warg and a rider behind me.
Sai: This gets better and better.

Which, is why he was looking at "me" like I was the spawn of Satan…
Mac: You admit you’re the spawn of Satan? *Busts out Crucifix, holy water and Rosaries* The power of Christ compels thee!

I think…

At least… I think that's the reason. Or he really does just hate me.
Octavius: He might just really hate you.

Sob.
Quatre: You’re not even worth my tissue box.
*Others gasp*


I feel much worse about myself now, thank you deities!
Remus: Just “deities”? Insert your own?
Erik: Greek? Roman?
Mac: Those are basically the same. Go Egyptian.


"Sam!" Boromir, my brother-who-i-am-still-slightly-afraid-of-since-i-think-he-tried-to-do-me-in,
Remus: And breathe.

called. "Hurry!"

Well, what if I don't wanna hurry ever thought about that?
Erik: Sure. You can stay and be decapitated.

Hmm? Have you, you chauvinistic male pigs!
Quatre: Is the Suethor just ranting now?
Mac: I’m not entirely sure.


Just because I'm the only person with frontal lumps
All: :blink:

here doesn't mean you can order me around!

Uhmm… yeah…

I'm just weird disturbed like that.
Erik: Good choice, Mac.
Mac: Thank you.


Ignore my random mental outbursts.
Sai: Kinda hard to. Voldemort locked us in.

Heh. Mental, which describes me in perfect context don't you think?
All: Uh huh.

Anyway, I followed him over to a cliff where Legolas and Gimli were standing.
Erik: Ooh, a cliff!

Wooh boy, horrible sense of foreboding here.
*All chuckle*

Something's wrong with this picture.

One, two three, four…
Mac: Oh good. The Sue can count.

What's missing?
Sai: A personality?
Mac: Sanity?


I tilted my head from side to side trying to figure out what I was missing.
Erik: See suggestions above.

The boys were all staring at something but I couldn't quite figure it out.
Mac: Maybe they just realized you were a Sue.

Then it hit me.
Octavius: A semi?

Oh god…
Remus: Now you choose a deity?
Mac: It is lower case.


No…
*All lean forward*

No…
*All lean forward more*


I felt tears well up in my eyes as I saw Legolas' face. I've never seen anyone look so forlorn and lost in my entire life.
All: Aww.
Quatre: He can have the tissue box.


A voice inside me was pleading with the deities of this universe to make it all untrue.
Remus: And we’re back to just “deities.”
Mac: There’s only one. Eru.


Hot salty tears trickled down my face as I stared at the pendant that I knew Aragorn would never part with, laying so cold in the elf's hand.
Remus: Everyone found their page in the script?
Others: Yep.


My gaze swung towards the precipice from which he had fallen, a part of me waiting for him to climb back up.
Mac: As long as he doesn’t fly up and become Super Aragorn, I’m happy.

But it wasn't going to happen.

The universe just loves us don't you think?
Octavius: Was that sarcasm?
Mac: I think so.


And here come the doubts again.

Argh!
Sai: Our reaction perfectly.

OoO
Sai: So’s that.


The ride to Helm's deep was a bleak one for the remaining members of the fellowship.
All: Aww.

I mean, for all we knew, our companions could already be knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door.
Mac (head in hands): Please tell me we didn’t read that.
*Erik’s left eye twitches*


God, I did not just jack a song.
Sai: Yeah, you did. A not even a good one at that…

I guess it goes to show just how miserable I am right now…

The gates open and we ride forward. The admiring glances of the women, children and some men quickly focus on us.

It's amazing how one battle can change how people look at you.
Erik: Drat.

I mean, before no one even looked twice at me. Now, they were bowing and easing me of my burdens.
Sai: Don’t be nice to the Sue!

"Let me help you my lady," a woman, in her early twenties said, coming forward.
Quatre: There should be a comma there.

I shook my head and smiled. "It's fine, thank you. I can manage."

It took a while for the people to take a hint and leave me alone but they did, eventually.
Erik: How much longer till we can convince them you are evil and deserve to die?

I reveled in the silence which gave me a chance to organize my thoughts.
Sai: Oh great. She’s going to try to organize this insanity?

If Aragorn died, I don't think I could stand the guilt knowing that I just cost Middle Earth its greatest hero and the future unifier of the free kingdoms of men.
Mac: Yeah, though Rohan had its own king…

I couldn't stand it.

Even though, you know…it isn't really my fault.
All: *Just sigh*

At least…not directly.

This is too much for me to handle. Lord knows I don't do well under extremities.

God hates me, that's all there is to it.
Remus: I give up. I seriously do.

I guess at some point, I had closed my eyes and zoned out because suddenly I heard a faint thud of a body plopping down next to me.
Mac: Oh, did the battle begin?

I opened my eyes to peep at the newcomer and was surprised to see Gimli beside me.
Octavius: So are we.

"Gimli?"

He nodded his head in acknowledgement and sighed.
Mac (Gimli): The Sues still can’t identify me.

"You alright?" I asked.

"Would that I were, lass." He answered sadly.
All: Aww.

I said nothing but I understood completely.

Gimli may not be prone to blatant displays of affection, hell, most of the time he just grunts,
*Mackenzie groans and puts her head in her hands*
Remus: It’s okay.


but he cares. Under all that metal and hair, Gimli is one hell of a lovable character.
Quatre: Is this a crack!fic?

And the dwarf misses the studly ranger guy, just like I do.
Sai: Studly?
Mac: No, this seems to be a Legomance.


"Buck up." I told him, forcing a grin onto my face. "Never lose hope."
Quatre: Is she giving Gimli the “buck up, little camper” speech?

He nodded, beetle black eyes glimmering in the shadow of the wall.

"Aye, as Aragorn would have said."

Yeah Gimli, as the King would've said.
All: Elvis?

OoO
Erik: Your face is going to freeze that way.


I have found a decent room to crash in. It's got a bed, it's comfy and I like it.
Mac: Can we upgrade the writing level from elementary school?

All in all, I realize that this could be Eowyn's or some other noble's room.
Sai: You stole Eowyn’s room?
Mac: Bitch!

Like hell if I care though, I need to hide.
All: From what?

Since that little thing with Gimli, I've been beseeched with horrendous doubt.

What if Aragorn did die?
Mac: Then Middle-earth is screwed.

How on Arda are we supposed to survive this war without him?
Erik: Please see Mackenzie’s earlier riff.

Plus, I had a little conversation with Boromir earlier on.
All: Oh no.

-boing! Boing! Here we go!-
All: What. The. Hell?


I sat in the shadows, removed from the crowd. After Gimli and I had that talk of sorts, I decided that I needed a more secluded location.

I had found a spot well into the Deeping comb that was cool and heeded by very few of the populace.
Mac: Sounds like a grave.
Erik: One can only hope.


Just as I was getting comfortable, and enjoying the leisurely silence my spot afforded me, I heard someone clear their throat. I looked up to see my brother, towering above me.
Erik: Ooh, this is going to be good.

He gave me a bleak smile and sat down.

"Are you well little sister?" he asked quietly.
Mac: Oh no. Heartwarming conversation ho!

"As well as I can be, given the circumstances." I answered.

An awkward silence stretched out between us.
*All are now reading different sections of the New York Times*

I've been kinda afraid to come near him after that whole thing with the sword.

I mean, I know it's seriously whacked for me to think he'd do me in but I just…
Deep breath.
*They all turn the page*

If he can kill an orc so easily, what makes me think he can't kill me just as easily, if not easier?

"You are well are you not?" he said suddenly, eyeing me suspiciously.

I stare at him.

Bloody hell, I think he's bipolar or something.
Quatre: I don’t think it’s him.

"You did not injure yourself when you fell earlier on did you?" he asked, leaning forward to examine me.
Mac: Hey, Suethor, you ever going to explain why Boromir acted like a jerk to her during the battle but is now all worried?

"That warg did not reach you, but the fall might have hurt your shoulder even more."

His brow was furrowed, concern written on his features.
All: Why?

I smiled, utmost relief seeping through me.

"I'm fine Boromir."

-boing! Boing! Let's, go kill Barney!-
All: WHAT?
*Mackenzie bursts out laughing and falls on the floor. Quatre joins her*


Glad that whole thing was sorted out, as I really don't wanna die yet.
Erik: Too bad.

A knock sounds on the door.

Oh, it's Eowyn.
Remus: She wants her room back.

"There you are Sam." She says, looking all forlorn. "We are required to help with the transferring of food and supplies for the women and children."
Sai (Eowyn): You know, WORK.

I nod, stand and follow her out of the room.

Dear corndogs and pie, Eowyn, for God's sake, could you please stop moping?
Remus: Joe Jonas, I hope Mackenzie remains laughing…
*Mackenzie pops up*
Mac: Sue say what?
Remus: Oh no.


You didn't even know him that well!
Mac: Is the Sue…No, she’s not that stupid. Right? Right? *Notices the men have grabbed Quatre, put on their helmets and have moved three rows back* Oh crap…

Gah!

Honestly, Eowyn's oh-I'm-hurting-inside-but-I'm trying-to-be-strong-but-not-quite-succeeding act is getting old real fast.
Mac: You BITCH! You try living through HALF of what she’s had to deal with and see what you do! It’s not all about Aragorn. Yes, she’s sad. BUT…Her father died when she was just a girl, her mother not much after. She watched her uncle, the man who took her and her brother in after they were orphaned, slowly become corrupted by Saruman. Her cousin, who was a brother to her, died. And her brother, since I assume you’re following the movie, was exiled! So, leave Britney alone! I mean, Eowyn! Sorry.

And with all the stress I've been going through today I might just snap and spear her.
Mac: Nope, you still don’t measure up to deserve that. BITCH!

But then again, I doubt the people of Rohan would appreciate it very much if I killed their beloved shield maiden.
Mac: Do you think I would let you live? Screw the PPC. I will hop into the continuum and kill you myself!
Remus: Don’t make me call Dr. Stone.


I can never win, can I?
All: Nope.

I think I should just accept it.
Octavius: That would be for the best.

OoO
Quatre: The Sue’s face when Mackenzie gets to her.


Ok, I know this is for the safety of the women and children and all, and I happen to fall into both categories, but this is so boring.
Sai: Poor baby. Someone call the wambulance.

Seriously.

I hate this kind of monotony.
Quatre: So do we.

And what's worse is the knowledge that even if you cried tears of blood
All: Eww.

you still couldn't do a thing because there's no other alternative.
Mac: You could stop forcing yourself on Lord of the Rings.

A basket load of bread in my arms, I start walking to the assigned location.

I pass by the King's chamber where Théoden, King has been pacing around for hours.

I reached my destination, put down the basket and set of to lug another one.

I stood frozen.
Erik: Ooh, freeze ray.

Standing in front of me was the studly-kingly-ranger-dude in all his glory.
All: Oh…
Mac: Suethors really don’t know what that means, do they?


And what's more, he seems to be having a rather humorous conversation with the elven stud muffin.
*All just facepalm*

I saw Legolas gingerly put something sparkly in Aragorn's hand, which come to think of it might be the Evenstar, and smiled.

Then, they noticed I was there, gawping like and idiot and turned towards me.

I had to blink a few times and pinch myself before I realized that it was really Aragorn standing before me.
Sai: Hopefully fully clothed.

And then, when I finally did realize it (I'm not slow or anything, it's just you never know, it could be a hallucination, or a mirage, which is kinda the same, so it could be both),
Mac: You’re rambling.

I pulled him into a tight bear hug, despite the possibility that I might crush his bones.
Mac: To make your bread?
Remus: A Jack and the Beanstalk joke?


"You bastard!" I said into his chest, as he is waaay taller than me. "The next time you wanna fall down a freaking cliff warn me ok?
Mac (Sue): Because I am, like, the most important person in this universe. Got that?

I do not like worrying like that. Oh screw it, the next time you take a tumble I swear I will kill you until you die. Got me, big fella?"
All: Huh?
Quatre: She’s threatening him?


"I am pleased to see you again as well, little one." He answered with a smile, a kiss on the forehead and a tap.
Sai: And he lets her.
Mac: She’s the Sue. Duh.


Geez, so all I am to this group is a puppy.
Quatre: Remember your place!

Really encouraging.

And then he marched off to tell the king that the army of hell is coming to the gates of Helm's Deep and we should get ready to face our eternal demise.
Erik: Sounds…morbid, even for me.

Brilliant.

Fucking bloody brilliant.

I think I'm cursed.
Mac: Well, you are a Sue.
Quatre: Pretentious Words from our Author!

a/n: hey lovies! It's our first preliminary exam tomorrow. I seem to be posting a lot before exams don't I?
Mac: Stress-relief. I did the same thing too.

anyway, hope you enjoyed that. I know it's short but there shall be more soon. I was supposed to do the battle in this one too but I decided not to make you wait too long because if I include the battle I won't be ready to post for another couple of days. so click the nifty button!
All: No.

Review responses (chapter 15)
Mac: You know, that’s why Fanfiction.net invented the review reply feature.

Aisling Jace: glad you think Sam's funny. Hope you liked this chappie!
Erik: Oh Jonas, the word “chappie.”

Kanefire: glad you like it!
Erik: Hold on, I need to get these names down.

Arwenevenstar83: oh no, I don't plan on getting them together just yet.
All: Of course not.

Or you know, like I said before, I could just be messing with you people and she might end up with someone totally different or she might get sent home.
Sai: Or die?

You never know.

Sphereshadow: thank you!

Aya013: writer's block? Oh you poor thing! I suggest eating lots and lots of sweets, that way your creative genes get a massive boost.
Mac: No, that usually leads to crack!fics!

Coldplaygirl: sam and Legolas, getting together? I don't know, maybe I will and maybe I won't.
Erik: Oh boy. “Suspense.”

read my response to arwenevestar83, keep reading to find out!

Silver sliver: thanks!

Just me: kudos for the idea, but no I don't think I'd achieve anything by sending Sam off the cliff.
Remus: Just her death.

She's useless you know.
Erik: So…It was a good idea.

And with her horrid sense of direction she'd probably do more harm than good you know?
Mac: So, it would be better to kill her, is what you’re saying?

Review responses (teaser)

Aya013: hehehe… I love cliffhangers...seriously..i'm thinking of ending every chapter after this with a cliffie. What do you think?
All: Don’t.

Kanefire: frustrating? Hell yeah, she's got no one to talk to.
Mac: I don’t think anyone wants to talk to her.

And she has to minimize all the girly stuff because of the whole man factor.

BlackRosepoison-Orchid: oh yeah…
Mac: Kick it?
Remus: What?
Mac: Sorry, All That reference…

Vatof Cocaine: glad you find it so interesting! Hope this is soon enough! Review please!

Whitemagpie: throws you a cookie and dances with you yes! Yes!
All: Oh Jonas.

Piklejuice: here you go poppet!

Silver sliver: thank you so much, glad you liked it! Even though I thought it was rather sucky for a teaser.

Just me: here you go!

Anonymous: here you go love, I'm sorry if you thought it was a bit too long of a wait. Anyway, I completely understand about the whole hooked on Lotr fics thing, I am too. And that second review you sent, I dunno why but it totally cracked up at it.
Mac: Lay off the sugar.

As I said, click the nifty purple button!
All: No.
Mac: Can we leave now?
*They hear the theater unlock.*
Remus: Hot chocolate?
*They leave*
You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot

"Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical)

"Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney

"I wake in the loneliness of sunrise
When the deep purple heaven turns blue
And start to pray
As I pray each day
That I’ll hear some word from you

I lie in the loneliness of evening
Looking out on a silver-flaked sea
And ask the moon
Oh how soon, how soon
Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella


"Thank you, Lord
You have brought us
Safe to shore
Be our strength and protection ever more.
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder


I'm writing a novel!

A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies!

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I'm on Book Country!
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jules14
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(Wo)man on a Mission
*Jules, Boris, Luna, and Morgoth are all sitting in the theater*
SEMIRHAGE: All right. I have another single chapter from a badfic for you to read, possibly the worst Lord of the Rings fanfic of all time.
JULES (horrified): What? Has Angey updated "An Elf's Love" for the fortieth time?
SEMIRHAGE: No. This is "Stuck in Middle-earth," a Suefic started by a thirteen-year-old girl, who continued writing it until she was eighteen. It's forty-six chapters long. It is full of sad attempts at humor. And the Sue is the vilest and rudest to ever be featured in fanfiction.
BORIS (gulp): Really? Even ruder than Rosa?
MORGOTH (shiver): Ruder than Callie?
SEMIRHAGE (evil grin): Yes and yes. Enjoy a heaping helping of pain!
*she laughs and her voice fades out, as the fic starts*


a/n: here you go loves, another chappie from moi! Hope you like!

*Silence. Dead silence. Dead, horrified silence*
JULES (almost crying): Oh, God. Oh, God. This…this is gonna suck, I just know it. It's gonna suck ass, isn't it?


Chapter 17: broken brains and store refunds…

BORIS: Oh, you've gotta be kidding. No capital letters? Seriously?

-Sam-

LUNA: Oh, it's from Samwise Gamgee's point of view; that's original. Usually fics aren't written from his…
*a paper drops from the ceiling*
LUNA (reading it): Oh, never mind. It says here that Sam is the name of the Sue.
MORGOTH (shiver): I'm feeling ill already.


I would like to withdraw my application forthwith and abstain from any further life processes.

*Pause*
LUNA: Er…what?
JULES: What are you talking about?
BORIS: What's going on?
MORGOTH: Where are we? What are we doing?


Uhm…
Did that make sense to anyone?

JULES: Um…no. But it might if you explained yourself.

I rather hope not, cause then I would've achieved my goal.

BORIS: Okay, and what's that goal?
MORGOTH: I don't care what your goal is; what did your first sentence mean?


And what, you may ask, is that goal?

BORIS: Yeah, we already asked that. Now stop beating around the bush and answer us.
MORGOTH: Again, WHAT DOES YOUR FIRST SENTENCE MEAN?
JULES (shaking her head): Barely a paragraph in, and we can't understand it. This does not bode well.


Well…
Let me express my opulent desire ladies and muffins,

ALL: WHAT?!

to cause rampant confusion amongst the masses of middle earth.

BORIS: So? SO?! Is that your goal?! Is that what your first sentence meant?! Does that have anything to do with what you were talking about?! WHY ARE WE SITTING HERE?!
LUNA: Is her goal to annoy the readers?


And before you ask, yes, I amprocrastinating.

JULES: Okay, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!
*another paper falls from the ceiling*
JULES (reading it): Okay, it says that the Sue is fighting at Helm's Deep…Boromir is still alive and has adopted the Sue as his sister…he did WHAT?!
MORGOTH (thoughtfully): I think I have something new with which to torment him after this.


I have nothing better to do with my time, what with my impending doom and all.

BORIS: Damn right. *starts sharpening his Morgul blade*

The one good thing I can see about this whole battle is that I get to see Hal again.

LUNA: Who?
MORGOTH: What?
JULES: Is this a Shakespeare crossover or something?


Except…
When I do…he's kinda gonna die…

JULES (confused): No he's not. He lives through Agincourt, doesn't he?
BORIS: I don't think that's who she's talking about, Jules.


I never can win.

MORGOTH: "I'm Turin Turambar."

I am seriously cursed.

LUNA (sarcastically): Why? Did you get a stain on your clothes or did you break a nail?

Seriously. You would think the higher forces would be a little more reasonable.

BORIS: Hey, just imagine how the people of Arda feel, having to put up with you.
JULES: Seriously; do Sues fall into Arda when Iluvatar is drunk or something?
*Morgoth bursts out laughing*


I mean so yea, I did break that ultra-uber-mega-super-expensive Buddha things

JULES: "Buddha things"? Oh, Jesus…
LUNA: "Ultra-uber-mega-super"? Oh, Stubby Boardman…


my mom bought when I was six, but it's not like it was intentional or anything! Honestly!

BORIS: Who'd buy a kid a Buddha statue when they were six? That's just asking for bad karma.

They were totally trying to flip me off!

*Dead silence*
MORGOTH: You fail miserably at humor, Suethor.


"Sam," a voice called. I looked up to se Legolas towering above me.

JULES (laughing): Whoa, when did Legolas become the Incredible Hulk?
BORIS (singing): Gigantor!


I gave him a flippant grin. "Hey there cream puff, what have you been up to?"

*all stare at the screen in shock*
JULES: As happy as I am that someone finally told Orlando!Legolas what he really was…
LUNA: How did she get away with calling him that?!


He raised an eyebrow at me.

BORIS: Sue, you're damn lucky he didn't raise his BOW at you.

Damn, how, I ask you, can anyone possibly make a weird expression look as sexy as hell?

*Horrified silence*
JULES: Oh, dear God, is this a Legomance? Tell me this isn't a Legomance. Please?
*another paper falls from the ceiling. Morgoth picks it up*
MORGOTH (reading): "Legolas falls in love with the Sue…"
*Jules screams, before collapsing in her seat and sobbing*


Someone help me, I think I'm broken.

LUNA (nervously): Someone help Jules; I think she's lost her mind.
BORIS: It's best we don't disturb her. She tends to get violent.


"I believe I shall opt to ignore that." He said blinking.

JULES: NO, NO, DON'T! KILL the bitch who called you such a degrading, senseless name! Murder her! Slaughter her! Tear her to shreds!
BORIS (to Luna): See what I mean?


I laughed.

MORGOTH: I vomited.
JULES: Why would you lust after a guy described as a cream puff? I mean, does the Suethor just love femmie guys, or is she really a lesbian?


"Come, we should help with the preparations."

LUNA: "We're baiting the Uruk-hai with some Sue-stew, and it won't cook itself."

I nodded, grinning like a maniac for no apparent reason.

BORIS (as Sam): Duhhhhhhhhhhhh…uhhhhhhhhhh!

I bet I'm causing the small children severe mental scarring, but who cares?

LUNA: Er…their parents?
BORIS: Oh, yeah, mentally scarring children is awesome.


My impending doom is looming forward; I should enjoy things while it lasts.

MORGOTH: "While I'm at it, I'll also torture those same children with hot pincers…sadism is fun!"

OoO

JULES: The hell? That's supposed to be a divider?
LUNA: It looks like a face, with two big eyes and a little nose.
BORIS: Suethors, it's not that hard to put the gray lines in!


The women and children are being herded into the caves.
Sorta like cattle y'know?

ALL (deadpan): Mooooooooooo.

Glad I'm not one of them.

JULES: I hate you so much, Sue.
LUNA: Go curl up in a hole and die, Sue.


"Sam!" a familiar male voice called out.

BORIS: "Wake up! Your therapy session is almost over!"

I turned to see my brother walking towards me, a grim look on his face.

JULES: Oh, please tell me that's not Boromir…let it be the Sue's real brother, if she has one…don't let it be Boromir…
MORGOTH: Actually, I think her "brother" is a man in a white coat coming to take her away.


Damn, I spoke too soon.

LUNA: No, you THOUGHT too soon. Very loudly.

He is followed by Gimli and Aragorn.

JULES (as Gimli): Hey, can I stomp on her corpse when you're done killing her?
BORIS (as Aragorn): I get to scalp her.


Oh dear, he brought reinforcements.

MORGOTH (exasperated): Oh, shut up! We don't need a running commentary on what's happening!

"Yes, Boromir?" I ask sweetly.

JULES: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
BORIS: Okay, you moron, did you even consider the implications of Boromir's survival?! It means Denethor doesn't go mad and Faramir can't be steward! Use your brain, for crying out loud!


Oh yes, I'm cruising for a bruising here.

LUNA: Yes!
MORGOTH: Please give her a beating…please…


My brother threw me a dirty look. "Do not 'Yes, Boromir' me, Samantha."

JULES (as Sam, stupidly): Uh…okay…yes, Fred?

"What's eating you pardner?" I ask frowning.

BORIS: Oh, yeah, Boromir will definitely understand what that means…I don't even understand what it means!
JULES: Way to be offensive towards stereotypical cowboys, Sue.


"Why are you still out here?" he demands.

LUNA (as Sam, stupidly): I want to take a photograph of the Uruk-hai.

"Is there a reason why I shouldn't be here?" I ask.

MORGOTH (as Boromir): Well, let's see: Helm's Deep is about to be attacked, you're not an experienced fighter, there's an army of bloodthirsty Uruk-hai who will slaughter you without question…actually I changed my mind: stay out here and don't move!

I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to see Legolas.

JULES (sneer): Don't you mean "cream-puff"?

Brilliant.

LUNA: Actually, it isn't brilliant: it's disgusting.

Why don't you call the rest of Arda to join our pow-wow?

BORIS (cringe): Suethor, the words "Arda" and "pow-wow" do not belong in the same sentence.
JULES: At least "pow-wow" isn't as bad as "adorable".


"You should be heading into the caves with the women and children!" he stormed.

JULES: Oh, Jesus, another bitchfest about so-called women's rights!
MORGOTH: At this moment, I wish I could die.


I glared at him. "How many arguments do you want to have before you accept that I am not going to follow orders of that nature?"

LUNA: "I want to be brutally slaughtered for no reason! Why won't you let me get killed?!"
JULES: Seriously: why do all these Sues want to fight and kill? Are they just bloodthirsty psychopaths?


I felt my hands curling into fists.

BORIS (as Sam, wimpy voice): I'll punch their lights out, 'cause I'm so strong, like Sailor Moon!

"You are, and you will." He snarled.

MORGOTH: "Or my italics will make you!"

"Why should I?" I challenged.

LUNA: Spoiled brat.
JULES: Wow, this entire story is an argument for corporal punishment.


"Because I said so."

MORGOTH: "I said so, and you'll listen to me!"

I threw back my head and let out a disparaging laugh. "You and what authority?"

BORIS (snarl): Maybe his authority as the STEWARD'S HEIR, YOU SPOILED, DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE C…"
*Jules covers his mouth*
JULES: Sorry. I think we'll be going too far if we use that word, though I appreciate the sentiment.


He opened his mouth to retort but I cut him off.

MORGOTH: And hopefully he gets back in character and gives her a good spanking.
JULES: Say, that's kinky…oh, God, what am I saying?!


"You don't understand do you?" I snapped.

LUNA (as Boromir): Why you're so rude and irritating? No, I don’t understand. Should you like to explain it to me?

"I can't go in there.

BORIS: Yes you can. You just climb off the wall and walk into the caves; it's not that hard.

It's all well and good that the other women and children are to be sent there but not me.

JULES: "Since I'm actually a grown man in disguise…oh, damn; you weren't supposed to know that!"

Do you understand, not me.

MORGOTH (as Boromir): I UNDERSTAND! SHUT UP!

I refuse to run and hide while the very force that threatens to exterminate all these children marches on our gates!

JULES: Aw, Sue is actually a good, caring person! She wants to fight for the CHILDREN! She definitely doesn't want to fight just because she wants to show off and steal the show from the other characters! She's a GODDESS…excuse me…*vomits into a barf bag*
BORIS (sickened): Sue, don't even pretend to be unselfish. You're not fooling anyone.


And if you can't handle that Boromir, I don't care!

LUNA: "I'm a brat! I can't repeat that enough!"…*sticks out her tongue*

I refuse to submit to your chauvinistic whims!"

JULES (getting angry): Yeah, because BEING CONCERNED FOR YOUR SAFETY equals chauvinism! Suethor, do you understand feminism AT ALL?!
MORGOTH: Boromir should be happy; she's determined to die!


I thereby marched off in a huff like any woman with a temper would.

BORIS: Well, like any woman in "Wheel of Time" would.
JULES (deadpan): Then I smoothed my skirts, sniffed, and adjusted my shawl. All the men thought I was like an angry cat; if I had a tail, I would be lashing it. My face was cold as ice and…oh, you get the picture.


And what's more I didn't trip, slip or stumble. Nope, not once.

LUNA: The fact that she has to tell us says loads about her intelligence, doesn't it?

At least, not until I was well out of their sight range.
Aren't you proud?

*everyone snorts with laughter*
JULES: Er…am I missing something here? Why is she such an idiot? Is it supposed to be charming or something? I don't get it.
BORIS (sneer): It's Sam's "flaw," like Bella Swan's "flaw".
JULES: Okay, never mention that name in my presence again.


OoO

JULES & BORIS (singing): Oooooooooooooooh…

I'm currently holed up in some room again.

MORGOTH: I got put in the mental hospital again. This is the third time this month.

I'm so pissed off.

LUNA: Er…you're about to be attacked by monsters, and you're only PISSED-OFF?

I mean, how can anyone expect me to do nothing when we're all being threatened?

BORIS: Because you're a complete waste of space. Deal with it.
JULES (deadpan): Sue, don't be a hero.


I can't go into those caves because if I do it's like admitting that those gay-assed bastards by the name of Sauron and Saruman have won.

JULES: Gay-assed bastards. Seriously? The most dangerous beings in Middle-earth, and the best name for them you can think of is gay-assed bastards? *headdesks*
BORIS: Why is she calling them "gay" anyway? Did she read that Aragorn/Sauron lemon?


Besides, I'll never be able to sleep at night knowing another little girl like Sheli

MORGOTH (sarcastically): Because Sheli is quite the Rohirric name.

have lost their parent to this farce.

LUNA: Just one parent?
JULES (furious): A farce?! Are you fucking serious?! You're calling the war that could determine the fate of Middle-earth a FARCE?! YOU ASSHOLE! Did you just write this fic to insult Tolkien's story?! BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING A BANG-UP JOB OF IT!


I don't belong here folks; it isn't my world.

ALL: EXACTLY!

But I'm here, stuck, and there's nothing I can do about it.

BORIS: Well, you can kill yourself. Maybe that'll transport you back to your own world.
MORGOTH: Perhaps that's why she wants the Uruk-hai to shoot her.


And although, most would call me crazy, these jack-wipes aren't just fictional characters to me.

LUNA (confused): Jack-wipes?
JULES: Don't ask me; I don't know what it means either.


They're real, as real as the clothes on your back.

BORIS: Well, unless you're reading this story naked.
MORGOTH: That was a terrible simile, Suethor.


And I'll be bloody flipping damned if I let any harm come to them.

JULES (wimpy voice): Yes, I'll be gosh-darned poo-poo flipping damned if I let those goat-kissing brutes harm them!
LUNA: And I'll protect them by…er…standing on the wall when I can't fight, and allowing myself to be slaughtered. Excellent plan!


Oh god, you win, I am crazy, spread the word.

BORIS: No, you're not really crazy. You're a spoiled, obnoxious, evil little turd, but you're not crazy.
JULES: But hey! We'll definitely spread the word about the former!


OoO

BORIS (chipper falsetto): Hooray; bubbles!

Knock, knock.

JULES: Who's…
BORIS: DON'T!
JULES (contritely): Sorry. Reflex.


The door opened with a soft click.

LUNA: Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't they in a cave? I don't think cave doors "click," Suethor.

I looked up from my seat on the cold hard, stony floor to see Legolas.

JULES & BORIS: OF COURSE!
MORGOTH (as Legolas): I just buried Gimli under a mound of Warg feces. Now we can be together without anyone short and ugly getting in our way!


"Whaddya want?" I muttered sullenly.

JULES (as Sam): Ya wanna piece o' me, ya chump? Whaddya doin'? Ya gonna fight me? Ya gonna? Yagonna?
*everyone else is snickering*


He stooped down so we were sorta eye-level.

BORIS: Y'know, I thought I'd make a joke about Legolas stooping to Sam's level, but then I realized it would be really lame.
JULES: Thank you.


"Your brother is only worried about you." He said softly.

LUNA: "He's worried that you'll survive this war."

"He sure has a funny way of showing it." I mumble.

JULES: Oh, he definitely does. See, when I'm worried about somebody, I just ignore them and let them get killed.
MORGOTH: Compassion is overrated anyway.


I don't like fighting with Boromir, I really don't.

LUNA: That fight I was having with him just two paragraphs earlier? I didn't like it; I really didn't. Really.

I mean, I just had a blow out with someone I loved like a brother

BORIS: Notice the past tense. I don't love him anymore; I think Aragorn and Legolas are zomg! so much cooler.

all because I'm too stubborn, too foolhardy, and too idealistic in some points to agree with him.

JULES (gasp): Hey, she's being honest about herself! Sort of.
MORGOTH: If she also said she was "too annoying," "too hateful," "too obnoxious," and "too all-round horrid," she would be completely honest.


Ah, the curse of being a 21st century woman.

JULES (clutching her forehead): In AMERICA, Suethor. There is a world outside your high school, you know!
BORIS: I wish these Sues would get transported to Iraq or Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan. Maybe they'd actually learn something.


If a guy thinks he's better than you, more likely it's the other way around.

ALL: No! NO! NO!
JULES: There is no way IN HELL you are better than Boromir!
LUNA: Boromir is worth twelve…no, twelve HUNDRED of you!
MORGOTH: Please; a retarded troll is worth twelve hundred of Sam!


Hey, that's what my dad always told me.

JULES: Whoa, either Dad is a feminist or he's as horrible as his daughter. Most likely it's the latter.

These are the times when I really wish I had a bowl of angel's food cake mix so I could dunk my head in it.

LUNA: Wait…what?! What does that have to do with anything?!
BORIS (as Sam): Or chocolate cake mix. I could dunk my head in that too. Or just plain sewage; I'd like to dunk my head in a bowl of sewage.


Oh, just thought you'd like to know.

MORGOTH: Why? WHY would we want to know such a thing?
JULES: I did. I was wondering whether Sam wanted to dunk her head in a bowl of cake mix. Thank God the Suethor answered my question; I was getting a little worried.


I think it'd be a rather fascinating experience dunking your head in a bowl of cake mix.

*everyone clutches their foreheads*
BORIS: Morgoth, what was that you were saying about retarded trolls?
MORGOTH: I changed my mind. Comparing retarded trolls to this Sue is an insult to the trolls.


"He does not wish to lose you." He told me, extending a hand to pull me off the floor.

BORIS (as Legolas, aside): Actually, readers, Boromir DOES wish to lose her; I'm lying to her. Sorry if I made any of you worry, or lose faith in me and Boromir.

"I know that." I answer softly.
Man this is depressing.

JULES: Tell me about it. Your presence puts a damper on everyone's mood.

Somebody hand me a fluffy banana.

BORIS: WHAT. THE. FUCKING. HELL?!
*Jules and Luna scream in frustration*


Ok, what?
That's it!

MORGOTH (frustrated): SHUT UP! OR AT LEAST START MAKING SENSE, YOU ANNOYING LITTLE TWIT!
JULES: My God, she's more annoying than Curtis the Elf, Hubie the Penguin, and Stanley the Troll combined!


My brain is malfunctioning.

LUNA: You have a brain? I'm surprised.

I demand a refund!

BORIS (enraged): FOR WHAT?! WHAT REFUND?! IS THERE A STORE IN MIDDLE-EARTH?!
JULES: Yeah? Well, I demand therapy!


"What about you?" I asked him curiously.

LUNA: "Can you say a whole paragraph of complete nonsense too?"

"Why aren't you helping them by strapping me to a chair and carrying me off to the caves and gagging me so I don't inflict ear problems to the populace?"

MORGOTH: Oh, please do so, Legolas. Right now!
JULES (as Legolas): Great; thanks for the idea!


He gave an amused chuckle,

BORIS: For Sauron's sake, Legolas, IT'S NOT FUNNY! It's a legitimate concern! The women and children in the caves will probably commit suicide if they get within a foot of this Sue!

which by elven standards means that he gave a teensy smile.

JULES: Wait…huh?
LUNA (confused): Elves mix up smiling and laughing?


"Because I know from experience that it does not bode well to trifle with a fiery woman much like yourself." He said.

JULES: Oh, God, here comes my lunch…*throws up*
MORGOTH: "Fiery"? Are you certain that's the best word to describe her? Not "irritating," or "annoying," or "stupid," or "idiotic," or "spoiled," or "obnoxious," or "loathsome," or "immature," or "vile"?
BORIS: Well, with the help of this cigarette lighter here, we can make her fiery…


I raised an eyebrow.
I am broken!

BORIS: No, you're burnt. Or you will be, just as soon as I can get this damn thing to work…*fumbles with the lighter*

Somebody call a technician darn it!

BORIS (throwing the lighter at the screen): Goddamn it! Which one of you tampered with this thing?
LUNA: Is it a bad time to tell you that was Dumbledore's Put-Outer?
BORIS: Why, actually…yes. *starts chasing Luna around the theater*


By golly I think he just paid me a compliment.

JULES: BY GOLLY? You're trying to act like someone from the Fifties now?
MORGOTH: "Fiery" is not necessarily a compliment.


Gah, fan girl urges heightening!

JULES: No. No. Please, for God's sake, spare us!
MORGOTH (shrug): Go join Luna and Boris's game of tag if it bothers you so much.


Must resist stupidity impulse!

*Silence, except for Luna shrieking and Boris yelling in rage*

OoO

JULES: I think Gandalf just blew some smoke rings at this story.
LUNA: Save me, save me! I think he's going to kill me!
MORGOTH: Oh, for…*gets up, grabs Boris, and stuffs him under his seat. Muffled curses ensue*
LUNA (relieved): Thank you.
MORGOTH: No problem.


Sorry, had a moment there.

*everyone just stares at the screen*
LUNA: Was that the fic, or was that us?
JULES: The fic…I think?


And I completely jacked that last line from fairly odd parents,

LUNA: Whose fairly odd parents?
JULES (grimace): It should be capitalized; it's a TV show.


which if I may say so, rocks the proverbial socks.

JULES: I've never seen it, so I can’t comment. Still, in the same vein, the new "Yogi Bear" movie is going to blow proverbial chunks.

Gah, I miss cartoons. And internet. And by Jove, PLUMBING!

BORIS (popping out from under the seat): My Sauron! Can it be? Is the Sue actually being…realistic?!

I miss civilization altogether.

*everyone is shocked*
JULES: Oh, wow, a realistic reaction from a GIME! Someone look outside and see if pigs are flying!
BORIS: I think Satan is going snowboarding!


Especially sweets…ooh yesh.

JULES: Okay, she's getting ditsy again, but she still misses civilization! There is hope!
MORGOTH: Just don't say anything to jinx it.


Now I have ventured out of the room I had cast myself into and am now walking with elf-boy

MORGOTH (in disbelief): "Elf-boy"?
BORIS: Hey, it's better than "cream puff".


who is trying to persuade a certain would-be king to rest.

LUNA: Which would-be king? Aren't there three would-be kings? Aragorn, Eomer, and Faramir?
JULES: Well, Faramir's really a would-be Steward.


"Aragorn, you must rest." He said

BORIS (as Aragorn): Wow, Legolas, you've really persuaded me to rest! Thanks!

following Aragorn through the battlements with me in tow.

JULES (as Sam, stupidly): So, what's going on? Are we fighting yet? Have the Orcs come yet? Do you like fudge?
MORGOTH (as Aragorn): Legolas, would you please push her off the wall?!


"You're no use to us half-alive."

BORIS: Actually, he'd be pretty useful dead. Paths of the Dead, anyone?

See? Told you. Not as inobservant as everyone thinks.

LUNA: Especially when he points out that the horses are restless, or that the stars are veiled.

Ok so maybe I am but that's beside the point!

LUNA: Oh, she's talking about herself. Oops.
MORGOTH: Sue, we don't think you're inobservant, we think you're obnoxious. There's a large difference.


I think he was just about to reply when Eowyn calls out his name.
"Aragorn! I am to be sent with the women into the caves." She cried indignantly.

JULES (as Eowyn): Please don't put me in the same cave with Sam! I beg of you! I'll do anything!
BORIS (as Aragorn): Calm down; I already told you she was being sent out as bait…oh, hello, Sam! Fancy meeting you here!


Oh fiddlesticks, not another scene of their lovey-dovey ness!

MORGOTH: Isn't Lovey-Dovey Ness the title of a Loch Ness monster romance fic?
JULES (sickened): Okay, the less said about that the better.


"That is an honorable charge." Aragorn said softly.

LUNA: "Especially when the alternative is having Mary Sue tagging after you all the time."

Tuning out now…
Blink, blink…
Bored…

JULES: Wow, I think that's the Suethor's reaction to the parts of the Lord of the Rings movies without Legolas in them.

"You do not command the others to stay! They fight beside you because they would not be parted from you! What of Samantha?" she asked bitterly.

BORIS: Yeah, what of her?! Go Eowyn, go Eowyn, go, go, go!
LUNA: Kill her, Eowyn! This Sue is as bad as You-Know-Who!


Wha?

JULES: Ah, I think someone just woke the Suethor from her Legolas wet dream.

How did I get involved in this?

JULES: Well, gee…maybe you BAMFED INTO MIDDLE-EARTH AND RUINED EVERYTHING? That's a pretty good explanation.
MORGOTH: Why are you complaining? You've been trying to get involved in the Quest for the WHOLE FIC!


"You do not command her to stay in the caves and she is but a child!"

LUNA: THANK YOU, EOWYN! I think I love you!
BORIS: But Sam is SPESHUL. That means she gets to fight and Eowyn has to be put in seclusion. It's just how the world works.


"Woah," I protested holding my hand up.

JULES: "Hey, I just told Boromir I was a grown man in disguise. If you don't believe me, just pull the socks out of my bra."

"No way are you including me in this honey.

BORIS (as Eowyn): Don't you DARE call me that! I have no affectionate relationship with you! Ugh, now I need to take a bath; I feel unclean…

I'm an insignificant speck; you're a shield- maiden. There's a big difference."

MORGOTH: Yes, I agree. So why don't you ACT like you're an insignificant speck, instead of trying to get attention, Sue?!

And once more tuning out!

JULES (as Sam, stupidly): Eowyn isn't hawt like Legolas; I can just ignore her.

This has been insanimusic 99.8, thank you for listening, good night.

BORIS: Yeah? Well, this has been another sentence of pointless nonsense, thank you for reading.

Man that was lame.

MORGOTH: Ah, well…no argument with that.

So Eowyn walks away and Boromir walks over to me.

JULES: And Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli walk into a bar…

Have I mentioned I'm not talking to him at the moment?
Yeah.

LUNA: And Boromir would thank you for it, if you weren't beneath his notice.

"Sam…" he began. "I am sorry for coming on a bit too strongly.

JULES (frustrated): Damn it, Boromir, why are you apologizing?! You didn't do anything wrong! It's Sam who should apologize!
BORIS (sadly): And…Boromir has been totally pussy-whipped. There's a surprise.


I do not mean to undermine your abilities,

MORGOTH: "Like whining, acting rude, throwing tantrums, and…nothing else, really."

as Gimli has so kindly pointed out that you saved my life.

JULES (horrified): Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. It's not bad enough that Boromir survives and adopts the Sue, but now she SAVED HIS LIFE?! Christ, can you possibly ruin Tolkien's story anymore?!
LUNA: I hope not.


I only wish to ensure your safety,

ALL: WHY?

you are akin to a sister to me now,

ALL: WHY?!

and you know this. I do not wish to lose you."

ALL: WHY NOT?!

Aww…

BORIS: I know. The disappointment is overwhelming.

And now ladies and muffin men, let me demonstrate what happens to an already overly sappy woman when you have her brother butter her up.

JULES (sickened): Oh, God, muffins and butter…that line in "Mean Girls"…get it out of my brain, please!
LUNA: What…actually, I don't want to know.


I launched myself at his neck and engulfed him in a bear hug.

BORIS (as Boromir): AHH! Oh, Eru, the Sue's touched me, yuck! I've got to go disinfect myself now!
LUNA (as Boromir, strangled): Sam…argh…you're…choking me…urgh…


"You stupid buffoon!" I said laughingly into his neck.

MORGOTH: Let us see: SAM is calling BOROMIR a stupid buffoon. Something is wrong here.

"You're lucky I haven't disowned you yet after that stunt!"

LUNA (as Boromir): Er…yes, about disowning…

OoO

BORIS: So are we in a Cheerio's commercial now, or what?

We are now in the armory getting suited up.

JULES: "None of the breastplates and helms would fit me, so I had to make mine out of tinfoil."

I have never seen a bigger farce in my life.

BORIS: Why? What's farcical about it? Is all the armor made out of cardboard?
LUNA: Perhaps she's referring to Gimli's oversized mail shirt in the film.


Little boys half my age are being given helmets and weapons they don't even know how to wield.

MORGOTH: "These little boys are more mature and dedicated than I am. It's really quite tragic."

What kind of bullshit is this?

JULES: It's called MEDIEVAL WAR, honey.

And what's worse they all stared at Aragorn, Boromir and I (if you'll dare to believe it),

LUNA: Yes, I firmly believe they were staring at YOU.

like we were some god-sent heroes or something.

BORIS: "Except for me. They looked at me like I was a piece of crap they scraped off their boots."

Did I mention I hate Saruman?

MORGOTH (deadpan): Not specifically, but unless "Gay-assed bastard" is your pet name for him, I think we could tell that you hate him.

I really do.

JULES: "Now I'm going to call him a stupid ugly poopy-head. BURN!"

"Then I shall die as one of them!" Aragorn shouted before storming off.
Oh dear.

BORIS: "Aragorn's having mood swings; this will be 'The Pride of Boromir' all over again."
JULES (terrified): ARRRRRRGH! NOOOOOOOOOO!


This is what I get for tuning out all the time!

LUNA: "This is what I get for being too lazy to write out the film script."
JULES: Actually, you should thank God ON YOUR KNEES that she's not writing out the script.


OoO

BORIS: Boy, this Suethor is a terrible Tic-Tac-Toe player.

Jeez, not again!

MORGOTH: "Not another Sue-fic! What was I thinking, writing this rubbish?"

Is everybody else in this whole darn dimension gifted with lightning fast speed or other abilities to that effect?

BORIS: Nah, just Elves. Of course, it would have been useful if we Nazgul had it…maybe we could have caught that pesky little Hobbit before he crossed the Ford of Bruinen…
JULES: You guys would have ruined everything!
BORIS: Hey, it would have been better than what these Sues are doing to Middle-earth.
JULES: Okay, good point.


I turn around for one second, one measly second, and when I turn back everyone's gone!

LUNA (as Aragorn): She's not looking! Everybody RUN!
JULES: "And when I turn back around, everyone's throwing rotten eggs at me!"


Well no, not everyone hearsay, more like every one of my companions.

BORIS: Yeah; who cares?

Damn them.

JULES (overdramatically): DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!

Why do they have to move so fast?

MORGOTH: "And why do I have to have the intelligence of a dead sheep?"

Now I have to find the stupid buggers.

JULES: "Cor, blimey; I'm English now! Cheerio!" You fail at British slang, Suethor.

And this armor Boromir made me wear is freaking heavy.

BORIS (patiently): It's fucking ARMOR; what the hell did you fucking expect?

I'll kill them all when I find them.

LUNA: Right. She wants to kill the people ON HER SIDE? They should throw her to the Orcs right now.

To –er—don't really know where they are so—away!

JULES (rolling her eyes): Yep; the prose is still sophisticated and thought-provoking.
MORGOTH: By now I think this Suethor simply can't form a coherent sentence.


OoO

BORIS (angry): Okay, STOP TYPING THAT! It's one of the most retarded dividers I've ever seen!

Holy fucking a!
They're here!
They're really here!

MORGOTH: Who? Who's here?
BORIS: I'm guessing the PPC.
LUNA: "They're going to kill me! I'd better hide behind this dead Warg…oh, no, it's not dead…arrrrrghhhh!"


"HAL!" I screamed bounding onto the back of the march warden like the child I am.

*Dead, horrified silence*
JULES: She's…she's having the Elves come to Helm's Deep? And she's jumping on Haldir and calling him…HAL? She has the BALLS to give Haldir a NICKNAME?! AND JUMP ON HIM?! YOU CANON-RAPING BITCH! YOU OBNOXIOUS LITTLE SLUT! YOU'RE WRECKING EVERYTHING! YOU'RE KILLING TOLKIEN'S VISION! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BITCH! YOU'RE DEAD!
*the others have to wrestle her as she struggles to reach the screen. Boris hits her on the head with an club and knocks her out cold*


"Greeting little one." He said smiling.

LUNA (incredulous): WHY is he smiling?! I'd hate having a Sue jump on my back! What's wrong with him?!
BORIS: Another question would be why he's at Helm's Deep.


"Will you willingly get off my back, or shall I have to employ drastic measures?"

ALL: DRASTIC MEASURES!

Darn it.

MORGOTH: So the Suethor's not shy about using the word "fuck," but the word "damn" is too obscene for her?

You know that little teensy-weensy fact that he taught me how to fight?

JULES (waking up groggily): Urgh…is it over? Did I miss anything?
LUNA: We just found out that Haldir taught the Sue to fight.
JULES (snort): What, did he teach her to bitch-slap people? I have a hard time imagining this little weakling learning archery and sword fighting.


Well, that's just it. He's way better than me, eons better, and so I can't win against him.

BORIS: Er…yeah. You can't win against HALDIR, who apparently likes you and will do his best not to hurt you, and yet you want to fight…Uruk-hai? Am I missing something here?
LUNA: At least she isn't magically good at fighting.


Bloody hell.

JULES: Sue, STOP INSULTING THE ENGLISH.

"Spoil sport." I muttered getting off my perch on his shoulders.

MORGOTH (clutching his forehead): It's "spoilsport".
JULES: Yeah, and…SHE JUMPED ON HALDIR'S BACK, THAT RUDE PIECE OF SHIT! I'LL…
BORIS: Jules, focus!
JULES (breathing deeply): Okay. I'm calm now, sort of.


He ruffled my hair affectionately before hugging me.

*Boris vomits*
MORGOTH: When did Haldir become overly affectionate?
LUNA: He was a pleasant Elf, but I don't think he hugged people and ruffled their hair much.


"I have missed you little one."

JULES: "You know, the same way a dog misses something smelly it rolled in."

"Me too you big lummack." I said grinning.

BORIS (headdesking): Okay, first of all, it's lummox. Second of all, why the hell are you calling him that, seeing as how he's not a really big guy? Third of all, how does he know you're being affectionate and not insulting him?
MORGOTH: I hope he mistakes it for an insult and kills her.


And then the battle horn sounded in the deep.

JULES: Oh, thank God; I thought the Sue's pointless whining and unfunny jokes would go on forever.
LUNA: Let's hope she isn't going to comment on the horn as well.


The battle for helm's deep was about to start.
And whoo boy, did that sound ominous or what?

BORIS: Nope.
LUNA: No.
MORGOTH: Even if it did, your last sentence would have ruined the effect.


a/n: I'm done with the exam!

JULES: I'm moving on from kindergarten to first grade! Yay!

Cheer for me minions muahahhaa!

BORIS: Oh, good; you just made me hate you even more, Suethor. I didn't think that was possible.

Ok, uhmm…moving on.

ALL: SHUT UP!

So, I know that was a tad short

LUNA (horrified): THAT was SHORT?!
BORIS: Holy shit!
JULES: How long are her normal chapters, fifty pages?!


and the reason is because I'm avoiding the fight scene

MORGOTH: Since I can't make horrible jokes about a battle, it will be hard for me to write.

but I'll get round to it perhaps around next week , provided I get positive feedback.

*Dead silence*
JULES: This is the part where the crickets start chirping.


–glares at reader and uses freak mind powers to force reader into reviewing-

BORIS: Okay, Suethor, there's unfunny humor, and then there's really unfunny humor, and then there's what you just said. You totally suck.

haha, forgive me I'm sick at the moment

MORGOTH: Again, no argument.

and have an overdose of psychoticness.

JULES: Psychoticness or cocaine? Sometimes it's hard to tell.

Review responses:

LUNA: Oh, no…
BORIS: Sauron, this is taking forever!


Laer4572: you have made me one very happy, not to mention hyper, authoress!

JULES: Oh, God, she's going to get even MORE hyper?

I looove cookies! –munches- thanks!

MORGOTH: And we hate you, Suethor. Have we mentioned it yet?

Silver sliver: I live to deliver, hope you like this chappie!

LUNA: Not likely, unless Silver sliver is as stupid as you.

Just Me: thanks a bunch! Btw, do me a favor? Leave a return e-mail in your next review!

JULES: AAAHHH, NOOOOOO! Don't give her your email address! You'll be flooded with messages full of lame jokes about muffins and cake mix! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ArwenEvenstar83: yeah, I agree with you.

MORGOTH: My story IS horrid. I don't know why I'm still writing this; perhaps I just want to torture myself.

It is kinda weird how they get all upset when he takes that tumble even though they know he's eventually gonna die anyways.

BORIS: Bwah? What's she going on about now?
LUNA: Who's she talking about?
JULES (cringe): Do you guys really want those questions answered?


But I guess it has to do with the plucked before the fruit is ripe adage.

MORGOTH: Wait…are you certain you know what the word "adage" means? It has two syllables, after all.

Or at least something to that effect. By the way, any scenes or special requests you want me to include in the next chappie? Send it in your review and I'll put them in.

ALL: YES! YES!
JULES: Sam being shot by an Uruk-hai!
LUNA: Sam falling off the wall to her death!
BORIS: Sam being burned by Gandalf when he shows up!
MORGOTH: Sam having her head cut off by Eowyn!


ColdPlayGirl: ph yeesh, me is definitely evil.

JULES: Goddamn it, Suethor, are you even TRYING?! YOU'RE NOT FUNNY!

Hence the name Satania which I have been dubbed numerous times.

BORIS: Nope. There's no WAY Satan could ever be this annoying.
JULES: Now if this Suethor was nicknamed "Jar Jar Binks" or "Pauly Shore," THAT would be fitting.


I dunno about that theory though…coz a part of me clicked on that romance genre for kicks.

LUNA: Speaking of kicks, I wish I could kick this Suethor.
BORIS: It's just an expression, but I'm right with you.


Heh. Seriously, I dunno if there'll be any hook-ups.

MORGOTH: "Hook-ups"? Is this Suethor ten?
JULES (rolling her eyes): Yeah, you're gonna have Legolas fall in love with the Sue; we know. Just tell the truth and get it over with.


I hear unrequited love is all the rage at the moment no?

BORIS: Yep. Hitler and the Spice Girls were also all the rage once.

BlackRosePoison-Orchid: yeah, I really despise Barney.

JULES: Um…who doesn't despise Barney? Is that really something special?

And I'm glad you like my story!

MORGOTH (incredulous): Someone LIKED this? Well, at least it's only one person; perhaps the others…
*yet another paper falls from the ceiling. Boris picks it up*
BORIS (reading): "This story has 463 reviews. Only eight of those reviews are negative."
*Morgoth's jaw drops in horror*


Aya013: blast you woman! What have you done! Where have you hidden my muffins?

*everyone screams*

Lolz, sorry had a moment there.

JULES (screaming): Shut up, shut up! Just SHUT YOUR FUCKING HOLE, in the name of humanity!

Hope you likey this chap. And update your story for heavens sake!

BORIS (breathing heavily): Is it done yet?
LUNA: I think so.
BORIS: It's really done? No more lame lines or thanking the Academy?
LUNA: I don't see any more…
BORIS: THANK SAURON!
JULES: THANK THE LORD!
MORGOTH: This was the worst fic I've ever read! I would never have sent this to you!
*all exit the theater*
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Master of the Rings
Due to an incorrect miscommunication and assumption this is another sporking of chapter 18. Enjoy!

Things had been unusually quiet for the sporking team. Hitler and his goons seemed to have forgotten that they had four people buried underground. They had not had to Spork in quite sometime but had been allowed to leave the bunker. To stay sane, Ellen had betted Lancelot that they were stuck in a bunker. The loot was the alcohol, absinthe. Hey, nothing weaker worked against MSTs so they were stuck with the illegal hard stuff. Ellen wanted to sneak in Putcin –Irish illegal alcohol made from potatoes- but did not want to run the risk of brain damage so had nixed that idea. Ellen won, -the story of how they figured it out would take years to tell so it remains a secret for now- she had an unfair advantage but she needed the alcohol so her scruples died fast.

Ellen had retreated into the world of literature. For a guy who dropped out of school at 16, Hitler had a pretty extensive library that Ellen was devouring. Balian was somewhere behind her doing something characteristically noble as per usual. Slyly, she pulled the alcohol towards her and hid it under her jacket so Balian could not see it. Knowing history, she was not trusting Hitler to stay quiet this long without something evil up his sleave. However, Balian still had a problem that Ellen was a few months under the drinking limit so was always trying to withdraw her medicine for MSTs. Their arguments came pretty physical –on Ellen’s part- so she had not switched to trickery.

Lancelot and Galahad were across in the library, gambling. The complete silence broken intermediately by hollers from the two knights, which Balian and Ellen could only hint at understanding. Most of the time, they could understand each other but there still was a language barrier. Ellen used this as an excuse so as not to spill any silly fan girl desires out.

The sound of leather army boots echoed throughout the room. Ellen sighed and pinched her nose dreaming of being somewhere else, Balian stiffened but said not one word and the two knights’ faces twisted into scowls but still not one word broken the uncomfortable tense silence.

The doors banged open and in stepped Hitler, chest puffed, hands flailing. The usual for the demented dictator, who could have actually been one quarter Jewish.

“Hello sporkers. Things have been too quiet around here so I signed you all up for a round of fun. Enjoy!” Hitler turned and left.

Suddenly, the air raid siren that acted as the badfic sign and the four resignedly trudged into the theatre.

“Who remembered the alcohol?” Galahad asked.

Ellen shifted slightly but Balian was beside her so she could not open her jacket just yet. Lancelot had to share, causing the poor Knight to sulk. Who can blame?

“Let’s just get this over with so we can get out of here faster and hopefully out of this bunker faster” Ellen stated.

a/n: here you go loves, another chappie from moi! Hope you like!

Balian: I know I will not. Stop abusing my language!
Galahad: Better yours than mine.

Chapter 17: broken brains and store refunds…

Lancelot: Brains cannot break. Bones can. *cracks knuckles*
Ellen: I thought that was my line. What is with the logic so early?
Lancelot: I have gotten rusty. I am sure, that will be gone by the end too.

-Sam-


I would like to withdraw my application forthwith and abstain from any further life processes.

Balian: Bring out the celebrations Sue is dying. Sue wants to die!
Lancelot: *pops champagne*
Galahad: *lowers disco ball*


Uhm…

Did that make sense to anyone?

Ellen: Wait, you mean you are not going to die? *pouts*
Galahad: All that effort for nothing. By tomorrow, this better be a bad memory.


I rather hope not, cause then I would've achieved my goal.

Balian: If your goal was to torture us than you won. If your goal was to be funny or witty, you lose badly.
Lancelot: When are they are every witty?


And what, you may ask, is that goal?

Ellen: to kill you.
Galahad: to mess up your hair and make-up
Lancelot: To cut up your Legolas/obsession posters
Balian: to find someone prettier than you and better than you and make you watch Legolas or whoever your obsession is marry them.


Well…

Let me express my opulent desire ladies and muffins, to cause rampant confusion amongst the masses of middle earth.

Galahad: And this is new how? You confuse by living.
Lancelot: Where Tristan’s hawk when you need it? Heck where is Bors when you need it to kill it with his mess.


And before you ask, yes, I am procrastinating. I have nothing better to do with my time, what with my impending doom and all.

Balian: Whose doom? What doom? There is no doom but ours.
Ellen: Well aren’t you cheery today?
Balian: How am I wrong?
*Ellen cannot respond but sips alcohol. Balian takes bottle, Ellen pouts*


The one good thing I can see about this whole battle is that I get to see Hal again.

Lancelot: Hal?
Balian: Haldir. He died in the movie.
Lancelot: If only we could be so lucky.


Except…

When I do…he's kinda gonna die…from having to see me again

Ellen: Nice correction Galahad.
Galahad: *grins* I do try.


I never can win.

I am seriously cursed.

Balian: You curse us. Not you are cursed. Get it right Sue!

Seriously. You would think the higher forces would be a little more reasonable. I mean so yea, I did break that ultra-uber-mega-super-expensive Buddha things my mom bought when I was six, but it's not like it was intentional or anything! Honestly!

Lancelot: Tell me when I am supposed to care and how it contributes to the story? *groans* Sues do not think like that. Why is logic tormenting me?!

They were totally trying to flip me off!

Ellen: *flips the Sue* that is how we feel about you. *Balian is shocked* Hey! Women can swear so no fainting in shock on me even if you are French.
Balian: *glowers momentarily*


"Sam," a voice called. I looked up to se Legolas towering above me.

Galahad: (as Legolas) Did I not just kill you? Why are you haunting me?
Ellen: (as Sam) Because we are supposed to be together forever Leggy puff. I am your one true love. We are supposed to marry and have tons of children and wild, unrealistic *gagged*. You lot are no fun.


I gave him a flippant grin. "Hey there cream puff, what have you been up to?"

Lancelot: Cream Puff? I feel sorry for you Legolas, I really do. Some women are just uncontrollable and *shuts up when Ellen glares at him*

He raised an eyebrow at me.

Damn, how, I ask you, can anyone possibly make a weird expression look as sexy as hell?

Lancelot: If you want sexy, I can …. *knocked out momentarily*
Balian: Our Casanova was coming onto a Sue. I had to put him and use out of our misery.


Someone help me, I think I'm broken.

Galahad: Hear, let me break you more. It will not hurt… for me!

"I believe I shall opt to ignore that." He said blinking.

Balian: Finally some sense. Ignore the Sue!

I laughed.

"Come, we should help with the preparations."

I nodded, grinning like a maniac for no apparent reason.

I bet I'm causing the small children severe mental scarring, but who cares?

*sporkers raise their hands* we care! We care for the children. Protect the children from the Sue!

My impending doom is looming forward; I should enjoy things while it lasts.

OoO

Ellen: I think I would have preferred squiggle lines. Those I can make fun of.


The women and children are being herded into the caves.

Sorta like cattle y'know?

Lancelot: I am sorry that Théoden’s idea of how to protect his people does not fit in with your ideals.
Galahad: At least they are protected from seeing her.
Lancelot: I want to join them *raises eyebrows, Ellen scoffs*


Glad I'm not one of them.

Balian: (as the women and children) as are we!

"Sam!" a familiar male voice called out.

I turned to see my brother walking towards me, a grim look on his face.

Damn, I spoke too soon.

Ellen: Never to late to die.
Galahad: How bloodthirsty are you?
Ellen: I forget.


He is followed by Gimli and Aragorn.

Oh dear, he brought reinforcements.

"Yes, Boromir?" I ask sweetly.

Lancelot: Wait, wait, wait! Boromir is her brother?! Boromir did not have a sister. He had one younger brother.
Balian: Sue, Lancelot, Sue. Do not break down like Galahad did after the last MST. I do not want to be mopping up another knight off the floor.


Oh yes, I'm cruising for a bruising here.

Galahad: I change my mind. Ellen is not bloodthirsty enough. *lights torches* Let us kill the Sue. *all other sporkers likewise arm*

My brother threw me a dirty look. "Do not 'Yes, Boromir' me, Samantha."

"What's eating you pardner?" I ask frowning.

Ellen: I think you meant partner. However, seeing as English escapes you I will just cane you for ever mistakes.
Lancelot: Don’t bother your arm will die before she does.


"Why are you still out here?" he demands.

Galahad: Women in this did not fight side by side with their men right? *Ellen nods* *Galahad about to say something* wait that is logic, never mind. Let me just say that the Sue is an idiot who deserves to be impaled.
Lancelot: Ellen you killed his innocence.
Ellen: Rome did most of the work! I just corroded the last bit. You are stuck with him after this not me!


"Is there a reason why I shouldn't be here?" I ask.

Balian: (as Boromir) Yes, we hate you and will want to kill you during the fight. It will leave us in danger during the battle and we don’t want that.
Galahad: We could always claim that a stray orc arrow killed her when we do it.
Lancelot: Too unoriginal, we need something better than that.


I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to see Legolas.

Brilliant.

Why don't you call the rest of Arda to join our pow-wow?

"You should be heading into the caves with the women and children!" he stormed.

Ellen: Stormed? That is not a verb. Silly little author thinking we would not notice. We could send a storm after you but we cannot storm you however much we want to.

I glared at him. "How many arguments do you want to have before you accept that I am not going to follow orders of that nature?"

Galahad: Unreasonable wench! He is your brother and protector. Obey!
Ellen: I thought Sarmatian females fought?
Galahad: Yes but she is not one; she must do as she is told so that we are all saved.


I felt my hands curling into fists.

Balian: as opposed to your hands curling into cones?

"You are, and you will." He snarled.

Lancelot: And sexist, evil Boromir was born. Do not confuse him with confused, noble but led astray Boromir who was seduced by the ring because he thought it would save his people.
Galahad: That guy never exists in Sue stories. Too hard to write him properly when lusting over Legolas and/or Aragorn.


"Why should I?" I challenged.

"Because I said so."

I threw back my head and let out a disparaging laugh. "You and what authority?"

Ellen: (angrily) A lot of LOTR is based around cultures that were in Europe during the Dark Ages. Ergo, if your brother was the only male relative around you at the time, you listened, you did as you were told, and you were a secondary citizen. However, the feminist ideals of the 21st century would have told her all are equal and they are. Smart person would have written about the problems that somebody changing would have faced. I mean come on, she could have easily gotten a beating for this and it would have been seen as an acceptable thing to do!
Lancelot: Operative word is smart. Sue is not smart. Sue can bend rules. Sue-author does not care about culture or what not. Stop working yourself into a frenzy; you are only going to do yourself more damage.


He opened his mouth to retort but I cut him off.

"You don't understand do you?" I snapped. "I can't go in there. It's all well and good that the other women and children are to be sent there but not me. Do you understand, not me. I refuse to run and hide while the very force that threatens to exterminate all these children marches on our gates! And if you can't handle that Boromir, I don't care! I refuse to submit to your chauvinistic whims!"

I thereby marched off in a huff like any woman with a temper would until I was struck dead by a “stray” arrow.

Sporkers: *cheers*
Balian: You are welcome for the nice distraction. *notices Ellen sneaking at the bottle* No alcohol for you! *swigs some before handing it round to the knights*
Ellen: Three freaking months underage!


And what's more I didn't trip, slip or stumble. Nope, not once.

Galahad: What a shame at least that would have been funny to watch.

At least, not until I was well out of their sight range.

Aren't you proud?

Lancelot: No. I am very disappointed in you. If you fell, at least you might not be so perfect. Clumsiness is not a flaw.

OoO


I'm currently holed up in some room again.

Ellen: to save everybody’s mind from dying because of your ridiculous perfection. Unfortunately we must suffer. *eyes loudspeaker on while*

I'm so pissed off.

Lancelot: Join the club, so are we.

I mean, how can anyone expect me to do nothing when we're all being threatened?

I can't go into those caves because if I do it's like admitting that those gay-assed bastards by the name of Sauron and Saruman have won.

Galahad: How does that mean? *beat* why am I using logic?
Balian: Because we understand the truth, she is just trying to justify herself while looking all philosophical.


Besides, I'll never be able to sleep at night knowing another little girl like Sheli have lost their parent to this farce.

I don't belong here folks; it isn't my world. But I'm here, stuck, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Ellen: There is something you can do, DIE! Dying slowly is preferable and recommended.
Lancelot: We will provide the weapons if needs be. Like blunt knives.


And although, most would call me crazy, these jack-wipes aren't just fictional characters to me. They're real, as real as the clothes on your back. And I'll be bloody flipping damned if I let any harm come to them.

Balian: But something might not happen to you and that will upset everybody. You do the harm, just admit it.

Oh god, you win, I am crazy, spread the word.

OoO

Knock, knock.

Ellen: the department for redundancies speaking, how may we help you?

The door opened with a soft click.

I looked up from my seat on the cold hard, stony floor to see Legolas.

"Whaddya want?" I muttered sullenly.

Lancelot: (as Legolas) can I have my hair straightener back?
Galahad: (as Legolas) can I have my brain bleach back? You seemed to have taken it.


He stooped down so we were sorta eye-level.

"Your brother is only worried about you." He said softly.

"He sure has a funny way of showing it." I mumble.

Balian: By trying to protect you? You selfish monster!
Ellen: And that is our moral of the day.


I don't like fighting with Boromir, I really don't.

Galahad: Funny because you do it a lot.

I mean, I just had a blow out with someone I loved like a brother all because I'm too stubborn, too foolhardy, and too idealistic in some points to agree with him.

Lancelot: That is not really admitting you were wrong. Some points? Bah!

Ah, the curse of being a 21st century woman. If a guy thinks he's better than you, more likely it's the other way around.

Hey, that's what my dad always told me.

Ellen: *sardonically* Of course he did love, of course he did.

These are the times when I really wish I had a bowl of angel's food cake mix so I could dunk my head in it.

Oh, just thought you'd like to know.

Galahad: No we did not. We would like to know if the cake mix was punished perhaps.
Ellen: With strychnine. *gets odd looks* What?! It is the slowest killing poison. Painful death for Sue is good!


I think it'd be a rather fascinating experience dunking your head in a bowl of cake mix.

"He does not wish to lose you." He told me, extending a hand to pull me off the floor.

"I know that." I answer softly.

Balian: If you know, why do you fight?
Lancelot: One word, logic. We are the only ones who have it.


Man this is depressing. Somebody hand me a fluffy banana.

Lancelot: a what? But, but, but…
Galahad: Logic, you really have got rusty my friend.


Ok, what?

That's it!

My brain is malfunctioning.

Ellen: and it was functioning before? *snorts*

I demand a refund!

Balian: So do we! In fact we sue the Sue! That is such an odd sentence.
Galahad: Imagine her in court.


"What about you?" I asked him curiously. "Why aren't you helping them by strapping me to a chair and carrying me off to the caves and gagging me so I don't inflict ear problems to the populace?"

Lancelot: why did we not think of that before?
Ellen: I think we have gone soft.
Galahad: No, just over the top. It is so simple we forgot. We have not gone soft yet, I hope.
Lancelot: If we have, we are doomed. I feel like manically laughing for some reason.


He gave an amused chuckle, which by elven standards means that he gave a teensy smile.

"Because I know from experience that it does not bode well to trifle with a fiery woman much like yourself." He said.

I raised an eyebrow.

I am broken!

Balian: so are we.
Galahad: I think we broke a long time ago. We cannot be sane here and survive.
Balian: normally I do not condone violence but I see to refix ourselves we must break the Sue further. *all cheer*


Somebody call a technician darn it!

Lancelot: No. I broke the phone so we could not.
Ellen: and the back-up phone has no battery. Sue is screwed hopefully.


By golly I think he just paid me a compliment.

Gah, fan girl urges heightening!

Must resist stupidity impulse!

Galahad: Too late. You are already impulsively stupid.
Lancelot: if the virgin says so, you must be. *Balian has to stop fight escalating between the two knights after Galahad sees red and attacks Lancelot. Ellen is watching and laughing at them*

OoO


Sorry, had a moment there.

And I completely jacked that last line from fairly odd parents, which if I may say so, rocks the proverbial socks.

Gah, I miss cartoons. And internet. And by Jove, PLUMBING!

I miss civilization altogether.

Balian: Civilisation does not miss you. In fact it threw a world wide party when you left.
Ellen: nobody wants you back. Civilisation called, it wants you to stay there for it can recover from you. Stay away forever.


Especially sweets…ooh yesh.

Ellen: *hands out sweets* we have them. MWAHAHA *coughs* I hate when that happens.

Now I have ventured out of the room I had cast myself into and am now walking with elf-boy who is trying to persuade a certain would-be king to rest.

"Aragorn, you must rest." He said following Aragorn through the battlements with me in tow. "You're no use to us half-alive."

See? Told you. Not as inobservant as everyone thinks.

Ok so maybe I am but that's beside the point!

Galahad: and the schizophrenia starts here. You may use it as an excuse
Lancelot: until we kill you that is. Then we claim insanity brought about by you!


I think he was just about to reply when Eowyn calls out his name.

"Aragorn! I am to be sent with the women into the caves." She cried indignantly.

Oh fiddlesticks, not another scene of their lovey-dovey ness!

Balian: Just like you and Boromir had not a while ago. You had an argument about this very same problem.
Ellen: Yes but it was not all lovey-dovey. However, hypocrisy is always in Sues, part and parcel of it I am afraid.


"That is an honorable charge." Aragorn said softly.

Tuning out now…

Lancelot: Can we? *all shake heads* gods darn nit. I need to tune out.
Galahad: If we suffer, so do you.


Blink, blink…

Bored…

Balian: So are we.

"You do not command the others to stay! They fight beside you because they would not be parted from you! What of Samantha?" she asked bitterly.

Wha?

How did I get involved in this?

Ellen: Because Eowyn is angling for you to go out and get killed. She would not be able to control herself if you were down with her.
Lancelot: Take pity on her, she does not want to be stuck with you.
Balian: when did the author take pity on scarring anybody?


"You do not command her to stay in the caves and she is but a child!"

"Woah," I protested holding my hand up. "No way are you including me in this honey.
I'm an insignificant speck; you're a shield- maiden. There's a big difference."

Galahad: (as Sam in a high pitched voice) yeah, I am supposed to wow everybody with my awesome fighting skills and have Legolas fall in love with me. Everybody is supposed to love me! You are not supposed to see through me.
Balian: Well done. However, Eowyn is made to sound bitter so that Sam can look better. You might want to save your voice for the rest of this chapter so at least you can scream in frustration.
Ellen: Angey? *Balian nods* Knew it


And once more tuning out!

This has been insanimusic 99.8, thank you for listening, good night.

Lancelot: (as Sam’s brain) This is your brain talking. Self destruction in ten seconds. I cannot take anymore of your stupid words. Good night.

Man that was lame.

Ellen: Yes, yes you are.

So Eowyn walks away and Boromir walks over to me.

Have I mentioned I'm not talking to him at the moment?

Ellen: No but Boromir must be so relieved not to hear your nagging voice.

Yeah.

"Sam…" he began. "I am sorry for coming on a bit too strongly. I do not mean to undermine your abilities, as Gimli has so kindly pointed out that you saved my life. I only wish to ensure your safety, you are akin to a sister to me now, and you know this. I do not wish to lose you."

Galahad: And the sappiness of all sappiness begins now! People hold onto your seats and reach for the bags.

Aww…

And now ladies and muffin men, let me demonstrate what happens to an already overly sappy woman when you have her brother butter her up.

Lancelot: She melts and said brother can go back to being normal.
Balian: She dies of happiness releasing everybody from her spell causing a massive party.


I launched myself at his neck and engulfed him in a bear hug.

"You stupid buffoon!" I said laughingly into his neck. "You're lucky I haven't disowned you yet after that stunt!"

OoO

We are now in the armory getting suited up.

I have never seen a bigger farce in my life.

Little boys half my age are being given helmets and weapons they don't even know how to wield.

What kind of bullshit is this?

Ellen: It is called trying to drum up numbers so Helms Deep does not fall without any sort of resistance. Child soldiers have been used before. However, since you have no brain and obviously hate a) history and B) current affairs you would not know this. Your brain hates you for the lack of supplement.
Galahad: It is called trying to look sympathetic and empathic while really looking pathetic.
Ellen: you really love wordings ending in thic don’t you?*Galahad looks at her oddly before looking back at screen*


And what's worse they all stared at Aragorn, Boromir and I (if you'll dare to believe it), like we were some god-sent heroes or something.

Did I mention I hate Saruman?

Balian: Yes you have mentioned it before. Move on. Redundancies department is getting very busy you know with you. No need to overwork their employees.

I really do.

"Then I shall die as one of them!" Aragorn shouted before storming off.

Oh dear.

This is what I get for tuning out all the time!

Lancelot: the break the other characters get is worth it if that helps.
Ellen: *slaps Lancelot* no stroking of the ego here. *Lancelot glares*
OoO


Jeez, not again!

Is everybody else in this whole darn dimension gifted with lightning fast speed or
other abilities to that effect?

I turn around for one second, one measly second, and when I turn back everyone's gone!

Balian: They are hiding from you. Don’t worry I am sure you are used to it by now.
Galahad: It is a game called run away from the Sue. I hear you get quite a workout from it. Maybe we should try it? *others shake heads* dammit.


Well no, not everyone hearsay, more like every one of my companions.

Damn them.

Ellen: No, damn you. *sighs* I am really running out of things to say.
Galahad: then shut up.
Ellen: Do you want to carry this by yourself?
Balian: Why don’t you both just quieten down? We are almost done. *all cheer*


Why do they have to move so fast?

Lancelot: to get away from you. I thought we already said that.

Now I have to find the stupid buggers.

Lancelot: They do not want to be found.

And this armor Boromir made me wear is freaking heavy.

Balian: Nice time buying there Boromir.
Galahad: we must keep it in mind for ourselves.


I'll kill them all when I find them.

Ellen: Not if they kill you first.
Balian: Or we kill you.


To –er—don't really know where they are so—away!

OoO

Holy fucking a!

They're here!

They're really here!

Lancelot: (as Sam) the doctors are here to cart me away so that my beauty cannot blind the world.
Ellen: If only, Lancelot, if only.


"HAL!" I screamed bounding onto the back of the march warden like the child I am.

"Greeting little one." He said smiling. "Will you willingly get off my back, or shall I have to employ drastic measures?"

Darn it.

Galahad: He saw through you and now you must figure out how to seduce him so that you make Legolas jealous. Haldir is stronger than that. *swigs absinthe*

You know that little teensy-weensy fact that he taught me how to fight? Well, that's just it. He's way better than me, eons better, and so I can't win against him.

Balian: (as Sam) I am really only saying this to look modest. Is it working?
Lancelot: No!


Bloody hell.

"Spoil sport." I muttered getting off my perch on his shoulders.

He ruffled my hair affectionately before hugging me. "I have missed you little one."

Ellen: (as Haldir) I missed have a running target to practice my archery on.

"Me too you big lummack." I said grinning.

And then the battle horn sounded in the deep.

The battle for helm's deep was about to start.

And whoo boy, did that sound ominous or what?

Lancelot: Not as ominous as your death will sound.

The doors to the theatre burst open as the four sprint out to get away momentarily from the madness. In the middle of the library stands a lowly cooler with a gift tag on it. Ellen walks over and reads. It was a gift from Mac realising that Ellen went the entire chapter without alcohol thanks to Balian. Running off to her room, she quickly locked it before the boys could nick some of the alcohol or Balian could take it off her for being underage. Life was normalish again in the bunker. They just hoped there would be no more chapters for a long while.
I am currently taking donations, for Everton FC. I am afraid that our chairman has forgotten to cough up. So if you could hand me a penny and I will dance for you :P.

I am the monkey and you hold the box, so be nice with that. I don't want to dance like that!


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Refia
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Paying Tribute to the Past
*Mia, Refia, Ace, Sesshoumaru and Mastermind enter the theatre*

Mastermind: I cannot believe I am doing this. I’m supposed to be Mastermind here. I pick the fic, you spork it. You’re not supposed to drag me into the sporking!
Refia: Look, Mastermind, quit your whining, we told you what our conditions were for doing this chapter of the worst fanfic ever.
Mia: First of all, you’d do it with us.
Ace: And secondly, you’d deactivate the deactivation of our powers.
Refia: And since you want us to spork this fic that badly, here you are with us. That’ll teach you.
Mastermind: *sighs* I’m far too benevolent and kind for my own good. Very well, I did promise to join in more often, so let’s get it over with.

*Sesshoumaru and Mastermind sit down on the last row of the theatre, Ace, Mia and Refia take their usual place in the middle. The lights dim and the fic starts.*

Ace: Stuck in Middle-earth, chapter 18.
Mia: That’s eighteen chapters too many.
Mastermind: Amen, but the end is nowhere near in sight.

a/n: -sniff, sniff- I only got five reviews for the previous chappie.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru is pleased to see humans finally getting a speck of intelligence and staying away from this abomination.

I must suck as a writer.

*All nod eagerly.*
Mia: That is a truth if I ever saw one.
Ace: Now if only she’d care that she sucks and stops writing as a result, instead of simply knowing she sucks and not giving a damn.


Here you go people. Hope you like.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru most definitely will not.
Mastermind: Kind of interesting how all the other guests have gone out of their character while you remain the same, Lord Sesshoumaru.
Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru is not a weak pathetic human.
Ace: Says the one playing video games on the Playstation 3 whenever he thinks nobody’s looking.


Chapter 18: sarcasm is inevitable babe…

Refia: As is your death, Sue.

-Sam-
"Are you well little sister?" Boromir asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.

Ace: The question is who’s hand it is he’s putting there.
Mia: It is highly disturbing that Lord Boromir carries around disembodied hands to put on people’s shoulders, even if the person on who he puts it in this case is a Sue.


"Sure," I answer grinning sarcastically. "I'm just about to go head-to-head with ghastly beasts that are more than half my size, thus resulting in my imminent death. Everything is peachy keen!"

Refia: How witty.
Ace: Not.


"I see you are still as cheerful as ever." Gimli commented dryly.
I grinned. I love this dwarf.

Mastermind: But he doesn’t love you.

I stood up and jumped around in my place.
I closed my eyes and continued through my retinue of jumps, claps and flexes.

*All stare.*

What?

Mia: Exactly! What? What the heck were you doing?!

It's what I do when I'm nervous!

Ace: I go for a sail in my little boat, but whatever floats yours, I guess. *shrugs*

Quit staring, it's not that weird!

Sesshoumaru: *growls* It most definitely IS.

I feel eyes burning holes through me

*All eyes turn to Ace, but he’s still sitting in his seat.*
Ace: Sorry people, but no, I didn’t jump in the fic and burned holes in the Sue.
Refia: Too bad.


and I turn around to see not one but four males staring at me like I've sprouted another head.

Mastermind: The Sue’s a Siamese twin!
Mia: I wish, at least that would be original.


I held up my hands. "What?"
"What in the name of good sense are you doing?" Boromir asked.

Refia (as Sam): Trying to draw attention to me, durhur!

I shrugged. "Trying to get rid of my nerves."

Sesshoumaru: And getting on this Sesshoumaru’s in the process.

They all blinked and turned around, deciding to ignore my radical behavior.

Ace: Finally they do something sensible in this ‘story’.

Farts.

Mia: Bitch.
Refia: Idiot.
Ace: Cunt.
Mastermind: Dumbass.
Sesshoumaru: Human.
*The others glare at him.*


"Your friends are with you Aragorn." Legolas told the ranger reassuringly.

Mastermind: And back to the script we go.

A clap of lightning and a rumble of thunder.

Mia: And a badly structured sentence, too!

"Let's hope they last the night." Gimli said flatly.

Refia: Let’s hope the Sue doesn’t last the night, shall we?

"Encouraging." Boromir and I mutter simultaneously.

Ace: Of course they did.
Mastermind: *dryly* They have such a strong brother and sister bond that they can know what the other is going to say and speak in perfect synchronism.


We burst out laughing at the stupidity of it all.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru is sure the Rohirrim found the situation stupid, instead of being dark and utterly hopeless.

When we finally calm down, the rain had already started pouring and we were all drenched.
Peachy.

Refia: I swear, every time she says that word I’ll make her eat a copy of the book.
Mia: Quite an effective and torturous way to get rid of her: feed her copies of the book until she bursts.
Mastermind: I like it.


It figures doesn't it? We're fighting to the death and it rains, can you say cliché?

Mia: *facepalms* Yes, I can say ‘cliché’. Just how retarded do you think we, or your other readers for that matter, are, that you question whether or not we can say a word as simple as ‘cliché’!

I grumble loudly about slipping hazards and take my position on the wall.

Sesshoumaru: Her position being right in the path of an Orc’s spear.

Wooh boy, I tell you, that was some sight!
It's both beautiful and terrible to behold and oh eew—they're walking!

Ace: *snorts* No, really? They’re walking?! I thought they were cycling towards Helm’s Deep! Thanks for clearing that up.

I'm sorry it's just they look like bastardizations of chimeras. Upright chimeras.

Mia: Does the Suethor even know what Chimeras are?
Mastermind: Given that Chimeras were lion-like monsters with a snake as their tail and two heads – one of a lion, one of a goat – and the Orcs look nothing like that, I’m going to say: no, the Suethor has no clue what Chimeras are.


Ugh.
Grossed myself out.
Thank you overly-active imagination!

Sesshoumaru: And no thanks to you at all for this pointless, senseless comparison that was an utter waste of this Sesshoumaru’s time!

"A Eruchîn, ú-dano i faelas a hyn an uben tanatha le faelas!" Aragorn shouted walking around like the big man he is.

Refia: She really knows how to capture the drama, atmosphere and feel of that moment, no?
Mia: Indeed. Please note sarcasm.


Ah, I see.
"Show them no mercy, for you shall receive none…" I murmured under my breath as I leaned on Keiko.
I felt Legolas' eyes swing onto me

All: *stare at the screen*
Mastermind: Thank you, Shadow08, for giving me the image of Legolas having wrecking balls on chains for eyes.


and I realized I wasn't supposed to understand elvish, let alone translate it word for word.
Oh, I am screwed.

Ace: You bet your behind you are, once we get our hands onto you.

Stupid mouth!

Refia: The mouth is but a servant of your brain, my dear, it only does what it’s told to do. So don’t blame your mouth in an attempt to escape the blame, it won’t work.

"What's happening out there?" Gimli asked hopping on the balls of his feet to see above the wall.
"Shall I describe it to you?" Legolas asked grinning. "Or would you like me to find you a box?"

*All yawn.*
Sesshoumaru: Movie script. How incredibly exciting.


I ducked my head and smiled, making sure my hair hid my face.
I heard Gimli's hearty laughter as well as Boromir's.
Suddenly, I hear Aragorn's cries of "Dartho!" and I realize that the first arrow had been let loose.
Oh dear…

Mia: What’s so “oh dear” about that?! What should they have done, stand there and watch the Orcs climb the wall?!

The archers start firing and I hear Legolas muttering something in elvish.

Ace: Very descriptive, Shadow08. I can so imagine what Legolas was saying.

I think it's about the armor's weak spots.
I want elvish eyes.

Mastermind: Of course you do. You’re a Sue.

No really.
I know I'm going to have to hit myself with a bucket later on but I just had the weirdest thought.
You wanna know what it is?

All: NO.

Oddly enough, Legolas looks incredibly cute when he's drenched with water.

All: WE SAID WE DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW!

I'm broken!
Ugh, I should probably pay more attention to the battle at hand.

Refia: Please, don’t. Chances are higher you’ll be killed this way.

Righto.
"Anybody hit anything?" Gimli asked the two of us.
"Yep." I answer. "Perfect elves and their perfect aim."
He laughs in agreement and mutters something about poncy elvish princelings.

Mia: *clutches forehead* Poncy is not a word, Suethor! Can you at least try to pay attention to what you’re writing?!

A while passed and the arrows continued flying and Orc-corpses littered the ground.
"Come on!" Gimli roared. "Send them to me!"
I rolled my eyes at the battle-hungry gleam I saw in Boromir's eyes as he and Gimli cheered at Aragorn's announcement of uruks on ladders.
"MEN!"

Ace: Well, they told you to go into the caves with the women, but did you listen? Of course not, you absolutely wanted to draw more attention to yourself.

The creaking ladders full of stinking uruks slammed against the wall.
The creatures bounded off the ladders and snarled, scimitars shining in the light of the fires.
Bracing myself I brought Keiko up and sliced cleanly through the first Uruk-hai in front of me.

Mastermind: By simply bringing the sword up? *sighs* Who are you trying to fool here, Shadow08?

So it begins lovies, so it begins.

Refia: Lovies is not a word!

OoO
I am woman, hear me ROAR!

Mia: Funny, I can only hear you bitch and moan and be rude and obnoxious.

I am currently on my 8th uruk!

All: Yay. :mellow:

Aren't you so proud of me?

Ace: Nope.
Mia: You wish!
Refia: No way.
Mastermind: In your dreams.
Sesshoumaru: No.


Not bad considering 'tis my first battle no?
Although I really fail to see how they could be deriving pleasure from this, I have to admit I feel proud because for once I'm actually helping.

Refia: Newsflash, dear: they don’t find the fight pleasant or fun. THEY COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT, SO STOP THINKING IT’S A WALK IN THE PARK JUST BECAUSE PETER JACKSON THREW SOME COMIC RELIEF IN THERE!

Not just being lugged around like some dead-weight.

Sesshoumaru: But that is all you are good for.

Boromir and I held our own on the wall with the occasional appearance of Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn.
The elf and the ranger are just flipping everywhere I tell you.
And bloody hell is my partner good.

Ace: And don’t you forget it.

So there we were, determinedly hacking apart uruks whilst I resolutely tried to keep my rhythm.
Then from somewhere through the film of snarls and blood and the clashing of metal against metal, I hear a distinct sound.

Mia: It was the PPC, coming for her head!

A panicked, "Togo hon dad, Legolas! Dago hon!"
Oh shit.

Mastermind: Oh shit indeed. Sues can save Haldir, can save Boromir, get adopted by them, snog Legolas, but preventing the Deep Wall from getting blown to smithereens? Heavens forbid!

I turn to my brother and the dwarf who had joined us.
"MOVE!" I shouted.
"Sam?" Boromir asked, bewildered. "What are you-?'
I didn't wait; I pulled both of them from the wall just as it blew.

Refia: Luckily, while Boromir and Gimli landed safely, Sam landed head first on a sharp piece of rock getting her skull split in two.
Mia: Nice one! Kind of brutal, though.
Ace: And feeding the Sue books until she bursts isn’t?


OoO

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru hates these ridiculous dividers.
Mastermind: I quite agree. *leans back in his seat* What’s wrong with a grey line?


Owie.

Ace: Our reactions to pretty much every single word in this fic.

"I fucking hate orcs, Saruman and everything in between."

Mastermind: Everything in between? What’s that? Crossbreeding between Saruman and Orcs?
All: MASTERMIND!


I muttered through clenched teeth.
Lemme just say that being sent hurtling through the air, landing on stone and being showered by rocks?

Refia: Uhuh, and that’s what? Your sentence isn’t complete, dumbass.
Mia: Hey, you’re right. Major fail right there, Shadow08.


Uh huh, not a pleasant experience.
"I believe they reciprocate the feeling dear sister." Boromir answered contemptuously.
Oh bollocks!
Muffins, noodles, cornbread and pie!

Ace: Ehm, guys, could we…?
Mia: I do believe the situation calls for it, yes.
Refia: Then let’s do it.
All (except for Sesshoumaru): *bang their heads against their seat*
Sesshpumaru: The stupidity is painful.


I have to go find Haldir!

Mastermind: Too late, he let an Orc kill him to get away from you.

There is no bloody way I'm letting him die a death that's not supposed to be his in the first place!

Ace: Aren’t you listening? Mastermind just told you he WANTS to die!

Yeah, I know, hypocritical but who cares?

Mia: We do.
Refia: Do we?
Mia: Well, not really, but…


In case you haven't noticed, the doofus I rescued from Amon Hen, otherwise known as my adoptive brother, is living proof that my non-interference has flown out the proverbial window.

Mastermind: Indeed, but preventing the wall from being blown up? Noooo… Get some consistency, Sue.
Ace: You don’t ask pigs to fly either, do you, Mastermind?


Rambling?

All: Yes.

Darn it.

All: Our thoughts exactly.

I need to find that stupid march warden.

Sesshoumaru: But he does not wish to find you.

I leave Boromir's side, much to his dismay, and hack a path for myself as I try to find Haldir.
If any of these boys die I'll kill 'em all.

Mia: Hello, department of redundancies department?

I pause for a moment to watch Aragorn charge.
Call me weird but I find that part so cool.

Refia: Especially since he’s charging at you!
*All cheer for Aragorn.*


Bad move as a particularly vile uruk decides to take advantage of a lady and scalped me.

All: YES!!!
*Everybody cheers and starts to celebrate, even Sesshoumaru looks happy.*


Ow…
I chopped his arm off in retaliation.

Mastermind: *stops cheering* Wait a second, she was scaled and can still retaliate?!

But these things just won't die dammit.

Refia: Neither do you, apparently.
Ace: If you were really scalped you’d be on the floor screaming in sheer agony, damn it!
Mia: Another major choice of words fail, Shadow08. Congrats.


So now I have a gash on my arm courtesy of said uruk.
Bastard.
I chopped off his head and resumed my search.

Sesshoumaru: This creature makes it seem so easy.
Mastermind: Indeed. I wonder if the Suethor has ever lifted a sword, let alone try to chop an orc’s head off with it? Not that easy.
Ace: I doubt she could even lift it.


Come on, come on…
"Am Marad!" Aragorn bellowed to his men.

Mastermind: ‘Film script!’ I bellowed to my guests.

Shit…shit…
I follow the shouts just in time to hear the rangerly king dude calling, "Nan Barad Haldir! Nan Barad!"
That's my cue ladies and muffins.

Ace: That’s it.
*Ace stands up and activates his flame powers, his skin now aflame as he charges at the screen. Mastermind grabs him by the ankle and forces him down in his seat.*
Master: You can’t jump in the screen and kill the Sue, Portgas D. Ace.
Ace: *seething* But I can destroy the screen, shielding our eyes from this atrocity! I’m sick of being called a muffin!
Refia: I’d think you would find it to be a nice change of pace from being called an abomination that had no right to be born.
Ace: I’d rather be called that by all my enemies combined than be called a muffin by this filthy slut of a Sue!


I see Hal calling for his men…er—elves? Soldiers. Yeah, he's calling for his soldiers.
"HAL!" I screech, much like a banshee but screw that. "Behind you!"
He turns and beheads the orc.

Mastermind: Again, I can’t stress it enough: saving Boromir and Haldir? No problem! Saving countless of others by preventing the wall from exploding? Good lord, no way!
Refia: Well, why would she save nameless soldiers instead of the one gorgeous piece of hump-worthy meat called Haldir? -_-


He nods and I make my way over to him and get another gash on the shoulder.

*All cheer again as the Sue gets hurt.*

OW!
Why is it always the shoulder dammit?

Mia: Because you don’t keep your head still so they can behead you, stupid.

What is wrong with you assholes?

Ace: Yeah, how dare the Orcs try and kill their enemies!
Refia: Even worse, how dare they hurt the speshul precious Sue!


"We must pull back to the keep." He told me.
I nod, I feel fuzzy-headed.
"You are wounded."

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru does not thank you, Captain Obvious.

And with that, I am pulled back into Helm's deep without as much as a peep.
-Haldir-

*All wince as the point of view changes.*

Who would have ever thought that the clumsy, complaining young woman I had once taught to fight would eventually be the one to save me in battle?

Mastermind: I did. I mean, it’s what Sues do. *yawns*

I am quite certain that had she not been there, I would be leaving the confines of this earth.

Refia: Haldir, trust me when I say you would be better off dead.

And so, I owe her my life.
"Sam!" came her adoptive brother's worried outcry as we entered the confines of the keep.

Mia: Even Haldir swallows this farce of Boromir being the Sue’s ‘brother’?!

I let go of her arm and watched silently as she sank to the floor in a corner, her face drawn.

Sesshoumaru: Do explain to this Sesshoumaru how one ‘draws’ a face?
Ace: Easy. Take a piece of paper, a pen or pencil and start drawing.
Sesshoumaru: Do not treat this Sesshoumaru as retarded. This one obviously meant how once can ‘draw’ a face like ‘drawing a sword’.
Ace: You do know if you explain your riff it loses its fun factor, right?
Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru does not care.


Ensuring that the child had her brother's attention, I turned to the task of barricading the gates.
000
But of course, it is inevitable that we should run out of furniture.
In the words of young Samantha, everything that can go wrong will.

Mastermind: No, don’t you dare start using her language!

Orcs were breaking upon the stone fortress like trickling water.
We could not hold much longer.

Refia: Rejoice! Soon you’ll no longer have to tolerate the Sue’s presence.

I look around at the men's stricken faces.
Is this to be the end?
I caught sight of Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, looking at Samantha.

Mia: He wants the honours of killing her himself before the Orcs do.
Ace: Understandable.


A strange expression was on his face, one of—regret perhaps? Or was it something else?

Sesshoumaru: Yes. Hate and disgust.

She catches his gaze and sends him a loopy grin.
He shakes his head… disgusted by her behaviour.

Mastermind: Not bad at all, Refia.
Refia: Well, I thought I’d try this.


"The fortress is taken. It is over." Théoden, King of Rohan, utters, despair evident in his voice.
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Such cowardice, for a king?

Mia: Shadow08, there’s quite the difference between cowardice and being realistic.
Refia: Of course there is, but hey, if she doesn’t make the canon characters OOC, her Sue can’t seem ‘speshul’ or draw more attention to herself and snog all the glory.
Mia: True.


He should not be the one to lose heart; he should be the one restoring courage and hope to his men.

Sesshoumaru: *laughs* What hope would idle hope be?

Aragorn turned to the musing King in disbelief. "You said this fortress would never fall while your men defend it. They still defend it. They have died defending it!"

Ace (as Shadow08): “You said the film script would never fall while us Suethors and our sues defend it! They still defend it! They have ruined canon defending it!”
Refia: Nice one.


Théoden did not answer, merely looked on lost in a reverie.
I could tell Aragorn was growing frantic. He turned to one of the king's assistants and asked if the women and children had any means, any at all, of escape.
Aragorn gave his orders.

Mastermind: Please note the masterful description here.

Théoden turned as if in a trance, "So much death. What can men do against such reckless hate?"
I hear a scuffling noise and turn to see Sam, struggling forward an indignant look on her face.
Her brother held her back.

Mia: Look, the Sue can’t stand not being the centre of attention for more than five minutes.

"Let go of me Boromir," she muttered just loud enough for her brother to hear, but the keen ears of elves are capable of hearing whispers.
"Hush little sister," her brother answered in the same undertone. "Just sit down and keep quiet, you are losing enough blood as it is.
I was not surprised when this did not deter her.

Ace: Neither are we. When has she ever been respectful and listened to the canon characters?

"Screw blood Boromir," she hissed angrily. "Let me go and I'll smack him. I swear I will; the man's got no sense."

Refia: Did she just insult the king?
Mia: She did.


I caught Legolas' eye and gave an amused smile.

Refia: Did he just smile amusedly at the Sue insulting the King?
Mia: He did.
Refia: DID HE JUST SMILE AMUSEDLY AT THE SUE INSULTING THE KING?!
Mia: He did.
*The next moment, Mastermind, Ace and Mia all struggle to pin Refia down in her seat as she screams and rages and struggles to get free and lunge at the screen in an attempt to pull Samantha out of it and kill her brutally.*


"Fell deeds awake. Now for wrath, now for ruin, and the red dawn!" came Théoden's clear voice.
I prepare to ride out with the men admiring the skill of Isildur's heir at inspiring courageous deeds in others and himself.
He will make a good king, this I know.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru doubts that. He made friends with a Sue. How good a king could he possibly be then?
*The others are still trying to restrain and calm down Refia.*


-Sam-
You do know you're losing an awful amount of blood don't you?
Thank you captain obvious, I know that very well.

Mastermind: *While pinning down Refia* So do we, and it makes our day!

The ickle baddies are raging outside so now the big bad macho men of my side are going to ride out and kill them with their pointy toys.

Refia: THE STUPID CUNT! I’LL SHOW HER A POINTY LITTLE TOY! I’LL LET HER EYES MEET IT! I’LL-!!! LET GO! LET ME GO!
Mia: That doesn’t seem very wise, Refia. Just calm down!
Refia: CALM DOWN?! SHE INSULTED THE KING OF ROHAN AND GOT AMUSED APPROVING SMILES FOR IT! I’LL KILL HER! SCALP HER FOR REAL!


Forgive me if that doesn't sound tempting to me.
I'll just sit here and hang my head while boys be boys.
Men.

Refia: SUE! FILTHY BLOODY SUE! CUNT SLOBBERING-!
Mastermind: *clamps his hand over her mouth* That’s quite enough! Even I have limits to what language you can use and-! YEOWCH!
*Mastermind lets out a stream of profanities as he clutches his hand, which was bitten by Refia.*
Mia: Mastermind, mind your language?
Ace: Nevermind his language, someone help me stop Refia!
Mia: *whacks Refia on the head with her staff, the Lachesis Rule*
Refia: *slumps down in her seat unconscious*
Ace: *lets out a relieved sigh* Whew, thanks. She’s stronger than she looks.


Wake me up when September ends ok lovies?

Sesshoumaru: No.

OoO
Hmm…

Mastermind: Hmm… What’s the most creative way to kill her?

Who knew dead uruk-hai would make such comfy chairs?
Not me, that's for sure.

Ace: Newsflash: Orc hide is NOT comfy. Nor is their crude armour.

So here I am, reclining on a big black uruk corpse whilst I try to recover from the multiple gashes I have on my body.
Stupid pointy things.

Mia: No, stupid YOU for NOT LISTENING TO BOROMIR WHEN HE TOLD YOU TO GO HIDE IN THE CAVES WITH THE OTHER WOMEN!
Mastermind: Now don’t you start, too, Mia.


I have a gash on my shoulder again, one on my arm and another on my tummy.

Ace: You’ll be having a lot more of them once we’re done with you. Let’s see how you like a fire fist through your chest.

And wooh boy does it hurt.

All: Good!

A shadow covers the sunlight and I am forced to open my eyes.
Gimli is standing over me, in a very all-powerful way which, come to think of it is scary. He is, after all, a dwarf.
"We should get the elf to take care of that." He stated looking at my wounds.

Mastermind (as Gimli): “He knows how to make them hurt even more.”

I glared at him.
"If by elf you mean Haldir, by all means, go call him." I said, not liking that mischievous sparkle in his eyes.

Mia: Oh gods… Gimli’s eyes sparkle.
*The others retch.*


He smirked
Oh dear…
"To be honest, I don't think the lad would like that." And with that, he turned around and sat roughly on an axe-embedded orc before yelling, "LEGOLAS!" soundly.
I gave him the death glare of doom.

Mastermind: How scary!
Sesshoumaru: Not.


Frickshaws and cow dung.

Ace: What’s up with the retarded choice of words?!

The elf was seen a minute later looking harassed.
Poor baby, did the women get you?

Refia: *groans and wakes up* Ugh, what happened…?

"What is it Gimli?" he asked turning to the dwarf.
"I need you to take a look at the lass's wounds." He said pointing to me.

Refia: Yuck, don’t tell me Gimli is playing match-maker?
Mia: I hate to say it, but it sure looks like it.


"Aye," he agreed. "I would have treated it earlier but I was barraged by others demanding that I heal them."

Mastermind: Others who deserve it much more than the Sue, mind you.

I raised my hand.
"Is it possible for me to get a healer who is perchance Eowyn, or Aragorn or Haldir or someone else who isn't named Legolas?"

Refia: Aww, look, she’s trying to act like she doesn’t like it.
Ace: Trying, and failing.
Sesshoumaru: Miserably.


He crouched down next to me and brought out some stuff.

Mia: Since when is Legolas the healer, anyway? I thought Aragorn was.

Can't really tell you, everything's too hazy.

Mastermind: Well, that’s one way of having to avoid coming up with your own descriptions.

"Forgive me my lady, but I am afraid that unless you wish to leave the confines of this earth, I am your only choice as the others are occupied." He said coldly, not looking at me.

All: yes! He’s acting cold towards her! There’s hope yet!

Oh darn, now I made him mad.

Refia: I’m surprised you didn’t make him mad long before this.

Good going Sam.
"Hey," I whispered touching his cheek gently as he treated my right arm. "I didn't mean it. I was just suffering from blood-loss."
He turned to look at me; there was something unreadable in his gaze, he gave a curt nod and returns to my wounds.
I bite my lip.

*All wince as the tense changes.*

"Legolas," I begin again. "I really am sorry."
"Think nothing of it Mendwe." He answers.
"Mendwe?" I repeat, confused. "What the hell is a Mendwe?"

Ace: I’d like to know that myself. Is it real Sindarin or Quenya?
Mastermind: I don’t care enough to look it up at the moment.


He smiles mysteriously. "I will tell you one day."
He finishes tying the bandages on my stomach and gives me a look.

Refia (as Sam): Aww, but Leggy, I don’t want your look, I want something else! *winks suggestively*
Mia: Ugh, Refia!
Refia: *innocently* What? It’s because of your whack on my head.


"What?"
"I believe I agree with your brother now." He said softly. "You should not be allowed in a war. Look at the damage it has done."

Ace: FINALLY somebody with common sense!

I frowned at him.
Man, elves are weird.

Mastermind: Indeed, he worries for the safety of the Sue. But let’s say you’re not a Sue, what’s so weird about worrying about you getting hurt?

"No worries cupcake. I'm wonder woman, hence, I am indestructible!"

All: *dryly* Haha, how funny. :mellow:

I flexed my non-existent muscles and burst out laughing at my own stupidity.

Sesshoumaru: The biggest idiots are those who laugh with themselves.

I saw both him and Gimli stare at me, not getting what was so amusing making me crack up all the more.

Mastermind: But of course, making modern-day references, laughing like an idiot and expecting them to get it, laughing even more when they don’t, makes you such a likeable character!
Mia: Big fat NOT!


I saw Legolas' lips twitch upwards in a small smile at my antics as he walked off though.

Refia: NO! NO! NO! Legolas WOULDN’T smile, at most perhaps be baffled by your utter stupidity and in the worst case – which I hope happens – be so offended he kills you!
Ace: Seriously, why has nobody berated her for her inexcusable behaviour yet?!
Mastermind: Because nobody’s in character. Duh.


What the bloody hell is up with that man, elf, sorry, elf.

Mia: NO, the question is what the bloody hell is up with YOU!

Tasha would have gotten the joke.

Refia: YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECT THE PEOPLE OF MIDDLE-EARTH TO GET A ‘JOKE’ THAT REFERENCES TO A TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY COMIC BOOK CHARACTER?! HOW MUCH OF AN IDIOT ARE YOU?!

In fact, she would probably make a similar one.

Mastermind: Making her as dumb as you.

A pang of homesickness hits me as I quieted down.
Boromir walks over to us and plops down next to me.
Why am I the only one with a serious injury?

Sesshoumaru: STOP. WHINING.
Ace: Good lord, even he is losing his patience!
Mastermind: It’s good to see why. Does she SERIOUSLY think she’s the ONLY one injured? What of all the Rohirrim and Elves who died?!
Refia: Those are beneath her notice, of course. The Sue is the only one injured so she can get more attention and be more speshul.


Seriously, why?
Does the universe just hate me that much?

All: YES!

Stupid males.

All: FEMINIST BITCH.

Am now very pissed.

All: SO ARE WE.

"King Théoden is quite insistent that all that are able, ride come morning. Can we be ready?"
Peachy.

Refia: Great, another copy of the book will be fed to her!

"When pigs fly to the moon." I answer, picking myself up and walking out of the sunshine.
I need rest, and boy do I need it bad.

Mia: We need a break from you, too.

Stupid blood loss.

Ace: No, it’s not stupid. Best thing in the chapter so far, in fact.

I walk around helm's deep, my eyes roving around for a while until I find my bag.
You know what's annoying?

Mastermind: You?

Working hard to clean your favorite pair of jeans only to have them dirtied beyond recognition again.

All: :headwall:
Refia: SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER?! SHE’S SURROUNDED BY DEATH, INJURY, STINKING ORC CORPSES, SHE’S INJURED – hooray! – IS IN A SOCIETY SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT AND ALL THE FUCK SHE FINDS ANNOYING IS HER DAMN CLOTHES GETTING DIRTY?!


My jeans are bloody again, and grimy and dirty.
Ugh.

All: THAT’S WHAT WE THINK OF THIS PILE OF VOMIT!

I wanna take a bath.
I heave my bag gingerly onto my shoulder, being careful not to hurt my shoulder wound.
I step into an empty room off the hall and lock the door.
Great, my tunic is ripped.

Refia: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

Stupid orc.

Ace: Stupid Sue.

I change shirts with much stress due to my stinking wounds and march back outside, bag with me, just in time to hear my brother ask Haldir if he's returning to Lothlorien with his men.

Mastermind (as Haldir): Do you think I would stay in the presence of that vile abomination of a Sue for a second longer than necessary?!

"I will stay with Lord Aragorn and his companions for as long as he is of a mind to allow it." He said haughtily and then adds. "And then some more just to annoy him."

Mia: Oh, look, more canon changing.

I laugh, thus drawing the men's attention.

Sesshoumaru: And, in a flash of common sense, they ripped her to bloody pieces.

I notice for the first time that Eomer is with them.
I stared, he stared, we both stared, insert uncomfy silence here.

Refia: *still seething* How about he inserts a sword in you, bitch?!

"Can you be ready to ride little sister?"

Ace (as Boromir): Eomer’s been wanting a little Sue ride in his lap and- YEOWCH!
*Mia hit him with one of her ice spells.*
Mia: Do. Not. Finish. That. Sentence.
Ace: *melts the ice that got on him with his fire* Alright, alright, sheesh…


"Yes momma," I answer giving him a loopy grin. "I can."

Refia (as Boromir): That’s nice, but we’re not going to let ya. Haha!
Mastermind: What makes you think she’d listen?
Refia: That’s a good point, actually.


He raised an eyebrow.
My grin grew wider and I planted a kiss on his cheek.

Ace: Alright, Boromir, to the decontamination shower you go.

"Now, now Boromir, you better not be doubting me. You know full well I wouldn't lie to you." I said sweetly.

Mia: You’re lying through your teeth and you know it.

A cough came from our group and I turned to find none other than Aragorn grinning mischievously at me.
"Prat."

Mastermind: And Aragorn promptly beheaded her for being so incredibly rude to him.

I told him laughingly. "How will you ever become a good king if you don't know how to trust your own subjects?"

Sesshoumaru: Who are you to judge his qualities as a King, Sue?

"Perhaps because he knows that you would lie to your brother in a heartbeat if the situation demanded it." This from Haldir.

All: Damn straight!

"Incorrigible!" I said grinning. "You're all incorrigible! And—you know me too well."

Refia: It’s not that hard. There’s little to you, so one can ‘get to know you’ in five seconds. Rude, obnoxious, stupid, retarded, dumb, insulting, sassy, commanding, degrading, disrespectful and no social qualities to speak of are all there is to you.

The battle for helm's deep is over ladies and gents, close the curtains.

Mia: You make it sound as if it was a schoolyard brawl instead of the hopeless battle for Rohan it really was.
Ace: Once again proving her inability to create any sort of atmosphere.


I sat back on a corpse again and enjoyed in the few cheerful moments we are given as a reprieve from all the horrors.
Things are gonna suck later on.

Sesshoumaru: Correction, they already do now.

a/n: I do hope more people review this time.

All: We all hope they don’t!

I have the next few chapters ready for posting but I think I'll add a few more odds and ends to them. Click the nifty purple button won't you?

Refia: We definitely won’t. We hate you.

Ai-ki-doo: angst is good no?

Mia: MOST DEFINITELY NOT.

I agree with you. Wholeheartedly.

All: We don’t.

Aya013: it's a mesh-verse love. I'm mixing the book and the movie.

Mastermind: WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID HERE?! YOU DID not READ THE BOOK!

Or at least I'm trying to. Do you think she should meet Elladan and Elrohir?

Ace: PLEASE, spare them your handling of their character. Haven’t you shat upon Tolkien’s work enough already?

You're writer's block is over? Awesomeness! sees picture of muffins gah! –cries- gimme back my muffins! Lolz, I'm off to give leggy a hug!

Sesshoumaru: He does not want your filthy touch, pathetic human.

Aisling Jace: must say, I am very flattered. Hope I live up to your expectations! I updated within a week, aren't you proud?

Refia: Well, we’re not, in any case.

ColdPlayGirl: of course I agree that Haldir shouldn't die. I love that march warden.

Mia: But he doesn’t love you and now wishes he had died.

Dunno bout the love thing though. Btw, did you catch that hint I put up there? After Sam was attacked? Might give you a clue of a little something, something.

Ace: There was a hint in there?
Mastermind: *shrugs* Beats me, I was too busy enjoying the Sue get hurt.


Just Me: here you go! Yeah, as you can see she did get hurt. But oh well, she's a string girl.

All: A STRING GIRL? WHAT THE-?!

Btw, do you have any requests?

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru does. Stop writing. Now.
Mastermind: Well, according to the last reports I received, she did at chapter 46.


Anything you want me to put into the next chappie? Like, oh I dunno, a scene between Legolas and Sam?

Mia: Ugh, save us the ‘fluff’ and ‘bonding’. We don’t want to see it.

Tell me in your review. Btw, should she meet the twins of Elrond?

Refia: As we stated before: NO!

Well, that's all. Click the nifty purple button, won't you?

Mastermind: Rest assured that I won’t let my guests do that.
Ace: And we’re done!
Mia: I feel sick. I need a shower.
Refia: Ami and Branar are so lucky they missed out on this.
Mastermind: You can forget me coming along for the next one.
Ace: Though I hate it, I can’t say I blame you.
Sesshoumaru: Hmph. A waste of this Sesshoumaru’s time.
*Sesshoumaru leaves.*
Mia: Let’s follow his example.
*All storm out of the theatre.*
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
[/align]
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MackenzieW
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Resident Time Lady
*Note* This takes place between Chapters 18 and 19 of "Stranger"

“I don’t need therapy!” Mackenzie argued. “I’m perfectly sane!”

“And what is your basis for insanity?” Remus argued back.

“Erik,” she replied simply.

“He’s so insane, he makes everyone else look sane! You can’t use him as your benchmark!”

“Oh, come on, Remus!”

“Darling, you need to talk to someone!” he exclaimed.

A sharp whistle interrupted their discussion. Everyone turned to see Voldemort standing in their doorway. “Good afternoon, prisoners! Guess what?” he asked.

“You’re going to release us all?” Quatre guessed.

“Of course not,” Voldemort snapped. “You’re getting a break from Stranger!” At their blank looks, he sighed. “The story you are currently doing.”

“Oh, right, yes,” they muttered.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. He forgot that his prisoners tended to forget the title of their stories. “Well, I’ve signed you up for the round robin again. Remember Stuck in Middle Earth?”

“The one that made no sense and featured Eowyn bashing?” Mackenzie asked.

“Yes. You have another chapter!”

Remus stepped closer to Voldemort. “Do you think that’s wise? To give something like that to Mackenzie after we had to sedate her?” he asked.
Voldemort didn’t respond, only clapped. The bookcase rolled aside, giving Remus his answer. The small group trooped inside, taking their seats.

Mac: Okay, another chapter of Stuck in Middle earth.
Others (flatly): Yay.
Quatre: Pretentious words from the author!

a/n: whoo, y'all have made me one happy little muffinhead!
*All just stare*

Thanks so much to all who reviewed last chappie. I appreciate it. So here you go. I hope you enjoy this one!
*All continue to stare*


Chapter 19: copywight elmer fudd, all wights wesewved..
Mac: What. The. Hell?

-Sam-

And—we're riding again.
Mac: Cue the Bonanza theme.
*Octavius presses the button*


Surprise, surprise.

Eowyn's riding with us for a part, and then she's off to Edoras again.
Mac: Good. Save her from the Stupid.

She's pouting because she feels 'we treat her unjustly'.
Erik: Gee, can you blame her?

Seriously, put a cork in it sister.
Mac: What?
Remus: Oh no.


I mean, I like you and all but please.
Erik: Did you get the sedative refill from House yet?
Remus: Nope.
*The men all put on their helmets and reach to the back of the theater. They then put a helmet on Zabaini as well.*


You don't even know the Kingly-ranger-dude that well.
Mac: Oh, we’re still singing THAT tune are we?

You're only blinded by his shiny deeds and sword.
Mac: Well, if you insist…
Sai: This is going to be painful.
Mac: She wasn’t “blinded by his shiny deeds and sword”! Let’s go back to my original rant, shall we? “Stable” was definitely not the word to use to describe Eowyn’s life in Rohan. That’s what Aragorn represented to her—stability. Let’s also consider the men in Eowyn’s life at this point. Theodred was dead, her brother often off protecting their country. Theoden had become the shell of a man under Grima’s control. Grima was a rat. Aragorn is not only stable, he’s brave, wise and honorable. He represents EVERYTHING that Eowyn’s life isn’t right now. He’s also the one man to talk to her as a person and not some trophy, to understand her need to fight. So…in essence, STOP INSISTING THAT EOWYN IS AS SHALLOW AS YOUR SUE!


Am I being harsh?
Mac: YES!

Oh well, at least I haven't said it aloud.
Mac: I wish you would. Maybe Eowyn would run you through and we’d be rid of you.

The men are having a conference somewhere up front so I'm stuck here, being the tiny insignificant speck that I am.
Sai: Good. Learn your place!

Great, now I'm cranky and depressed.
Mac: You’re cranky?

"Sam," Eowyn begins. "May I ask you something?"
Mac (Eowyn): Why are you such a bitch?

I turn to her and smile. "Yeah, sure."

"The woman, he is betrothed to," she pauses. "Have you met her?"
Erik: Can we move back?
Mac: Yeah.


"No." I answer smoothly. "Heard a lot about her though."

Let me just say that I love the Aragorn/Arwen ship to death, and I'll be damned if I let anything screw it up.
Mac: She isn’t going to screw it up! You may, though.

"Is it true that she is sailing away?"
Erik: You don’t trust Aragorn?

I notice Legolas and Gimli riding towards us from up front.

He looks amused.
Sai: Which he?

"Well," Eowyn asks expectantly. "Is she?"

"Nope." I answer confidently. "Not gonna happen."
Mac: You could be changing the story here, Sue.

"You sound confident." Legolas comments. "How are you so sure?"

I roll my eyes. "You'll figure it out."
Octavius: That’s very helpful.

And ride out to annoy Eomer.
Erik: Leave the man alone!

OoO
Quatre: Oh look. My expression.

Ugh.
Mac: My feeling exactly.

So, is this punishment for annoying the heck out of Eomer?
Erik: Maybe. Tell us more and we’ll tell you.

Not only do I have to ride with a bunch of smelly, chauvinistic men,
Mac: Oh Jonas, not this again…

I also have to ride through a living forest that could very well grind my bones to make their bread?
Remus: You’re comparing the trees to the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk?

Stupid farts.
Sai: Well, aren’t you mature?

Men.
Mac: You know, most feminists don’t hate men. They just want equal treatment.

They just have to go through the dangerous routes don't they?
Remus: Maybe it’s the only route? Did you think of that?

A tree groans nearby.
Mac (Tree): Oh no. It’s another Sue!

Fishpaste and cucumber!
All: Bwah?

A hand closes on my shoulder and I snarl at him, whoever he is.
Erik: Death?

"You have been in a decidedly prickly mood since we left Helm's Deep." The voice said.
Mac: Voice of God?

I keep my mouth shut and turn away.

In case you're wondering, the person I'm talking to is Legolas.
Octavius: I wasn’t wondering.

I know big surprise eh?

"Sam?" he repeated, concerned.

"Leaver her alone lad." Came Gimli's voice from behind him.
Mac: Run away, Gimli! Just…Run away!

Oh but you know he's not going to leave me alone now Gimli!

Darn it.
Octavius: I’m nodding off here!

"What is the matter?" he asked.

I turned to him, rolling my unwounded shoulder.
Mac: What does this girl have against real paragraphs? They tell you in writing classes that one sentence paragraphs should be used sparsely and for effect.

"I'm peachy keen." I told him with a smile. "Just, uneasy."

And who wouldn't be, I ask you?

Holy shampoo!
Quatre: Batman!

Light!
Mac: Anyone have a song?
Others: No.


We're nearly out of this forest of cannibalism galore!

Joy!
All (flatly): Yay.

A light noise reaches my ears and I perk up in my seat on Charcoal.
Sai: That’s the name of your horse?
Remus: It’s better than Nightwing.
Mac: Oh Jonas, that was the stupid name Rora gave her dead horse, right?
Erik: I am very glad I skipped out on that one.


I hear it again.

Laughter.
Octavius: She can hear us!
Erik: I’m not laughing.
Remus: Neither am I.


Light-hearted, distinctly hobbity laughter!

A grin breaks across my face.

"Merry and Pippin!" I cry, overjoyed.
Mac: She’s going to treat ‘em like children, isn’t she?
*Sai rubs her back*


Boromir rides up beside me, grinning madly.
Quatre: Wait, if Boromir’s still alive, why didn’t he save Merry and Pippin from the Orcs?
*The others just look at him*


In the near distance, we saw the two small forms of our hobbit friends basking on a rock surrounded by food.
Erik: That sounds ideal.

As we neared I caught a few snippets of their conversation.

"A mug of ale in my hand, putting my feet up on a settee after a hard day's work." Came Pippin's voice.
Mac: To the script!

"Only," Merry pointed out. "You've never done a hard day's work."

More laughing followed, even some from our companions.

I giggled.
Remus: Stop the presses! Someone call the New York Times!
Mac: Please if Snooki can be a best-selling author, this will win the Pulitzer!


The two hobbits spot us and Pippin waves a tankard high, laughing.

Holy hell, I think he's drunk.
All: WOO-HOO!

"Welcome, my lords…" Merry said importantly, standing up. "To Isengard."
*All gasp*
Mac: She…She spelled it right!


From somewhere, I hear Gimli growl.

"You young rascals! A merry chase you've led us on, and now we find you feasting and… and smoking!" cried Gimli in outrage.
All (Stoners): Duuuude.

"We are sitting on the field of victory, enjoying a few well-earned comforts. The salted pork is particularly good." Defended Pippin sounding only slightly touched in the head.
*All stare, frowning. Finally, Quatre sighs*
Quatre: Flowchart?
Others: Flowchart.


"Salted pork?" Gimli repeats eagerly. I can see the smile on his face.

Man, I love that dwarf.

"Hobbits." Gandalf muttered impatiently.

Aww, you know you love 'em.

I know I do.

How could you not?
All: MOVE ON!

Hobbit huggability
Mac: :facepalm:

is exhibited quite strongly in Pippin.

"We're under orders from Treebeard who's taken over management of Isengard." Merry explains happily.

Dear me the smoke has gotten to their heads I tell you.

They climbed down from their rock at Gandalf's orders.

"Hullo." They said looking up at me and smiling genially.

God, if it weren't so typically feminine I'd be hugging them to death.
Mac: And if they weren’t OLDER THAN YOU!

"Have you forgotten us?" Pippin asked crossing his arms.
Remus: Why would you want them to remember you?

I grinned cheekily.

"How could I forget!" I answered climbing off Charcoal.

I feigned a thoughtful expression. "Perry and Mippin, correct?"
Mac: Those should be in the same paragraph!
Quatre: Angey School of Formatting!


This was met with raucous laughter from all the men.
Erik: Stop humoring her!

I do believe I amused them with that one.

Got my sordid sense of humor intact, I'm only a little bit broken physically speaking, and I amused the chauvinistic males.
Remus: Notice she didn’t mention about being broken mentally speaking.

Take that!
Mac: Who she talking to? Us?

OoO

HO-LY shite!
Remus: Is she British?
Mac: Filipino.


It's a—it's a talking tree!
All: Hi, Treebeard!

I shiver involuntarily and slowly maneuver Charcoal further away from the big nasty.
Mac: Oh, hell no! Where’s the alcohol cooler?

Creepy.

I'm sorry.
Quatre: Now she’s apologizing? Now?

I liked Treebeard well enough in the films; I just find it freaky to see him in the flesh—er bark.

Oh look, its big bad needle sticking out of the ground.
All: What?

Stupid gay-assed bastard.
All: WHAT?

What are you really doing in there with Grima, eh Saruman?
All: WHAT?

Ugh!

Visions!
Quatre: You? We’re going to have to all down bleeptinis after this!
Mac: You’re getting bleeperin and orange juice.


Mind leaving the path of righteousness!
Mac: That sounds vaguely familiar…

It burns!
*The guys turn to Mackenzie and open their mouths*
Mac: I know that one.


OoO

Ah, it seems I lost more blood than I anticipated.
Erik: We can only hope.

Or it could be that I suffered intense psychological trauma from those self-inflicted visions.
Remus: You inflicted them on us as well!

Shiver.

Never again.

And now ladies and gentlemen, may I present the disturbing sight of Gandalf bopping, hobbit dancing and men drinking.
Mac: Why is the last one disturbing?

Théoden raises his tankard. "All hail the victorious dead!"

We raise our tankards.

"HAIL!" the men holler back.
All: CAESAR!

I put down the alcohol they gave me and go off to find Eowyn.

I want to go to sleep.
Erik: Please do. Maybe the story will get interesting.

Darn it, where is Eowyn?

Tired of walking, I sit down beside Legolas and Gimli.
Mac: I think you meant between.

"What's going on here?" I ask, noticing the group.

Eomer comes forward, looking amused. "No pauses, no spills." He said firmly.
Mac: Must EVERY Suethor put this into their story? It served no real purpose in the movie except to be lighthearted before Pippin encountered Sauron in the Palantir. Rehashed, it’s not even that.

"And no regurgitation." Puts in Gimli.

"So it's a drinking game?" Legolas asks.

Oh god.

I stand up and shake my head muttering, "Men." Exasperatedly under my breath.
Mac: Hey, stop being such a pretend feminist. I know plenty of women who can drink their guy friends under the table.

After a few more minutes of searching, I finally find Eowyn and find a room to sleep in.
All: Huh?

Bloody hell.

At least she wasn't hitting on Aragorn when I found her.
*Remus holds Mackenzie down*

Ugh, thank goodness for small favors.

OoO

And, yeah, you know how you expect to be able to sleep as soon as your head hits the pillow?
Mac: Uhh, no?

Doesn't it totally suck when you're so tired it's not even funny and you still can't sleep?
Mac: Preaching to the choir, sister. Move on!

The sleep sisters are waging a blatant attack on me for being so utterly pathetic.
All: WHAT?

Bitches.

Bloody Mary queen of Scots,
Mac: Why are you bringing that poor soul into this?

why did I have to go falling in love with an unreachable?
All: What?

Stupid gay-assed emotions.

I could've fallen for Aragorn, thus giving myself sufficient reason to jump off a tower instead of ruining my favorite couple,
Erik: I vote for that storyline!

but no it has to be pure torture doesn't it?

Why do the Powers That Be hate me so much?
Remus: Wait, we got a list!

What dare I ask have I ever done to them?
Remus (reading): One, exist. Two, be annoying. Three, be high on sugar.

Sigh.

I feel so depressed right now.
Quatre: YOU feel depressed?

I'm gonna go take a walk.

Hopefully all those drinking men will have become so knackered they all just keeled over on the spot.
Mac: Or singing drinking songs and crying in their beers!
Remus: Just because the Irish have sad drinking songs…


But knowing my fantastic luck and how much the fates love me, I'd wager I'll be pining for my room before two hours are up.

Why two hours you ask?
Octavius: You like that number?

Simple.

It'll probably take me an hour to actually get to the golden hall thingy.

Wish me luck!
All: No.

OoO

Coming here was a bad idea.
Quatre: To Middle-earth? Absolutely.

Sob.

I just found out how much of a pariah I truly am.
*All clap*

In the past half-hour I've been here, I've been sat on, pushed, and spilt beer on.
*All cheer*

Ugh.

At least I don't smell like beer anymore thanks to Eowyn.
Mac: And all you do is call her a lovesick fool!

And now, I have removed myself from the festivities, preferring instead to stay hidden in a corner.
All: Good.

These people scare me.
Remus: They scare you? You scare them!

And there aren't any maids I can shanghai into taking me back to my room.

Yeah, as we all know my sense of direction sucks and I'd probably end up in Mordor than my room.
*All consider it.*

Dunno bout you guys, but I ain't risking it.
All: Damn.

Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?
All: THE MUFFIN MAN!

Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?
Mac: Why is she repeating this old nursery rhyme?

Do you know the muffin man that lives on drury lane?
Gertrude: Capitalize.

"What is it you sing?" came a voice from beside me.

I look up and see a man a few years or so older than me, holding a mug.

Darn, he seems drunk.
All: So?

"I was singing?" I ask blankly.
Mac: And you think he’s the drunk one?

He nods.

Eew, that is just so Mary-sue.
Erik: Hey! That’s what you are!

Somebody cut off my tongue.

Treacherous thing it is after all.
Quatre: Sure, blame your tongue.

"My lady?"

Oh, darn it I spaced out again.

I give him a smile. "It's a song we sang as children in my hometown. Just some nonsense invented for fun."
Mac: Wrong. No nursery rhyme is just nonsense. Drury Lane exists in London. Heck, there’s a long-established theater there! The Muffin Man used to deliver English muffins in Victorian times. The song, about the Muffin Man, was actually part of game played by young people in parlors.

He nods in understanding. "Might I have the honor of your name my Lady?"
Erik: Interesting pick-up line.

"Depends, may I have yours?"

"I am Deor, my Lady." He said inclining his head.

"Sam."

"Charmed." He answered scooting closer.

Oh dear.
All: Oh no.

I move away, ever so subtly.

He leans over me.

Ugh, he reeks of booze.
Erik: Which is the only reason he’s hitting on you.
Mac: Beer goggles!
Erik: Exactly.


"What say you teach me a few more of those songs in a more," he said slowly his hand riding up my knee. "romantic setting?"
All: Eww.

I stared at him.

Ho-lee sheet.
Sai: As opposed to “Holy shit.”

I move further away and successfully get his hand off of my knee and land on my ass on the floor.
*All applaud*

Oh crap, I knew I shouldn't have forgotten Keiko
Mac (blinking): She named her sword Keiko? Seriously?

and my daggers in my room!

I'm in trouble now.

Shit, shit, shit!
Quatre: How about screaming, you moron? You’re in a crowded room.

The doofus pulls me up by the arm, his grip as tight as a vice.

Crap, what do I do?
All: SCREAM!

I hate not having any hand-to-hand combat skills.
Mac: You can’t slap him? Come on! And I think every woman knows how to knee someone in the groin.

I am way too reliant on my weapons.

"Trying to escape eh?" he said menacingly. He leers at me and then suddenly latches his lips onto mine!

GOOD GOD!
*All are thrown back*

Bloody hell, bloody hell!

Instinctively I ram my knee hard into whatever body part of his it can find.
Mac: There you go!

His death-grip loosens and I pull away.

"I like 'em feisty!" he said laughing boisterously.
*All just facepalm*

I run.
All: Snooze.

"Get away from me you bastard!" I scream pushing him away.

Where the hell are those boys when you need them?
Erik: Another feminist who really isn’t a feminist.

I run out of the hall, perve-ass hot on my heels.

"Come on lass, just come with me like a good one eh?" he said his words getting sloppy.
Mac: How old is the Sue anyway?
Remus: Physically or mentally?


He was drunk.
All: No. Shit.

Why didn't I leave when I had the chance?
Mac: You did.
Octavius: You came back.


Jesus, why does this always happen to me?
*All are silent*
Sai: Do you really want to go there?


I turn blindly and end up facing a wall.

Shit, a dead end.
*Erik passes out popcorn to everyone*

Oh god.

I feel hot tears burning behind my eyelids and I clench my hands into fists.
*All continue to munch*

"Nowhere else to run…" Deor said tauntingly. "You are mine."

Yeah?
All: YEAH!

I may not be good at hand-to-hand but I sure as hell ain't going down without a fight.
*All pass their bags over for refills*

OoO

I shall forever be in Legolas' debt.

Yeah that's right.
All: Boo.

Just as I was about to be mangled by that horrid, horrid man he came out of one of the rooms and saw us.

Oh gods you should've seen him.
Quatre: Well, we can’t…
Octavius: So, let’s see how well you can describe it.


His face contorted into this utterly furious expression and he punched the living daylights out of Deor.
Octavius: Or not.

Man, I hate to think what'll happen if he hit on a girl Legolas really cared about.
Remus: She’s obtuse, isn’t she?
Mac: I prefer dumb as a brick.


I mean, if I hadn't stopped him why I do believe the elf would have pummeled him to death.
All: Aww.
Remus: We are an incredibly violent bunch.
Erik: I blame the Sues.
*Others look at him*


"Are you alright?" he asked me once he was done bashing my attacker's face in.

"Yeah." I answered shakily. Which I am, aside from the fact that my arm hurts from where the prat grabbed it and my head's spinning.

Oh and did I mention that said arm is bruised?
Erik: Did I mention that I don’t care?

Grumble, grumble.

I give Deor a kick just for good measure and allow Legolas to escort me to the communal sleeping rooms we were to sleep in.

He would've stayed in my good books though if he hadn't told Boromir.

Come on lovies, this is Boromir we're talking about.

Mr. Overprotective Brother in all his glory.
Octavius: You’re boring me again.

He completely flipped out and dragged all the boys out of the room to god-knows-where and they haven't returned since.
Sai: They got smart and ran away.

Dear, dear…

Why does this always happen to me?
Mac: Because you are the Author Avatar.
Quatre: Duh.


Oh, the boys are back.
Mac: In town?

"Are you alright Sam?" Boromir asked sitting down next to me.

I nod. "Yeah, just—overtaxed. I really didn't want a repeat of spring fling but ho deedle dum there it was again."
*All just stare*

I can't say he actually understood what I said but at least he cared.

"Sam," said Pippin sitting down on the spot Boromir had just vacated. "You are alright?"
Mac: Is every male canon going to check on her?
Remus: Probably.


I nod and smile. "I'm fine Pip. Just a little damaged but then again I already was right?"
*All just stare*

He didn't smile.

Oh dear, now you know it's bad if Pippin doesn't smile.
All: Really?

"Pip?"

"We took care of him for you." He whispered confidentially into my ear before hopping off the bed.

I smiled and felt tears sliding from my eyes.

"Sam?" came Legolas' voice. "Nay, do not weep. He shall not bother you again."
Remus: He’s alive, right?

Damn that gentleness in his voice.

I wrap my arms around his neck and hold him tight.

"Thank you." I whisper into his ear. "Thank you."
Remus: No one’s told me if you left him alive!

OoO

And after that singular moment of femininity, which I am never going to repeat,
All: Famous last words.

imagine my chagrin when I am woken moments later by a screaming and twitching Pippin holding the Palantir in his hands.

"Pippin!" I screamed jumping off the bed.

I hear Merry's similar screams.

"Wake up!" I screamed. "Wake up you bunions! Get your asses over here!"
All: Lovely.

Am I hysterical?

Yes, why yes I am.
Remus: Good. Someone slap her!

I can't help it; this is Pippin we're talking about. I'd kill to protect the rowdier half of the hobbit brigade.
All: THE WHAT?

Aragorn and Legolas burst through the door.
Erik and Remus (singing): Here we come, to save the day!
Mac: Are you two hiding booze down there and not sharing?


Aragorn wrenches the Palantir from Pippin's hands and crumples to the floor.
Sai: Aragorn crumbles?
Octavius: No, he crumples. I think.


"Boromir, Legolas make him let go of that thing!" I cry.

It takes their combined effort and the Palantir falls to the floor I grab a blanket from a nearby bed and throw it over the seemingly living ball.
Gertrude: There’s some sort of punctuation missing there.

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf thunders.

He pushes Merry aside like a ball of crumpled paper.

I knelt down next to him and out an arm around his shoulder, glaring daggers over at Whitey.
All: Who?

"Look at me."

Pippin gives a jolt and looks into the wizard's eyes. "Gandalf! Forgive me!"

He looks away only to be brought back. "Look at me. What did you see?"

I saw fear in the youngest hobbit's eyes. "A tree…there was a white tree in courtyard of stone…it was dead. The city was burning."
Remus: Oh, script.

"Minas Tirith." I hear Boromir whisper.

"Minas Tirith?" Gandalf repeats. "Is that what you saw?"
Mac: Like Pippin’s going to know! He’s never been outside of the Shire before now!

Pippin was visibly shaking now. "I saw…I saw him! I could hear his voice in my head!"

I shivered in spite of myself.

I could still recall quite clearly what the sound of his voice sounded like and how terrible it was to behold his eye in your mind.
*All roll their eyes*

"And what did you tell him? Speak!" Gandalf said harshly.
All: Woof!

Jeez man, will you let him alone?
Mac: LEAVE!

"He asked me my name. I didn't answer. He hurt me!" he said quailing
All: Quailing?
Mac: I’ll be. It can be used as a verb, meaning cower in fear.


at the memory.

Oh I know how that feels too. He has more ways of hurting you than punches and such.

How do I know?

Heh comes from firsthand experience.
Remus: You mentioned that already.

Yesh, remember that little bit in the mines?
Sai: No. Thankfully, we missed that part.

"What did you tell him about Frodo and the ring?"

And—he's popped the million dollar question!

Ai!

OoO

A few hours later, once we were sure Pippin was alright, I hear Aragorn mutter quietly, "I thought perhaps…I could control it."
Sai: It’s okay, Aragorn. The Stupid will do that.

I rolled my eyes and let out a huff. "Next time Aragorn when you wanna try something that could endanger us, don't.
All: Don’t lecture him, MORON!

You didn't help; you made everything worse by letting that gay-assed Mordorian bastard get a good look at you."
Mac: I…I can’t even BEGIN to explain how that statement is so wrong.

Everyone stares at me. "What?" I snap. "It's true."

"What do you mean by that?" Aragorn hisses, all defensive.

"I mean your Reluctant Highness, that by grabbing that stupid glowing ball—"I explain in a very sarcastic manner but I am interrupted.
Remus: I hope by somebody SLAPPING YOU!

"Palantir." Haldir corrects haughtily.

"Whatever Hal." I said, glaring at him.
All: :facepalm:

"The point is, by grabbing that pathetic excuse for a bowling ball, he let Sauron get a good long look at him. The only thing that overgrown blockhead fears is the kingdoms of men uniting against him; and because Aragorn here is the rightful king of Gondor, he's the only honcho who can do that thus my hypothesis that Sauron is afraid of him. Do you get my point honey?"
Erik: Sorry, you were speaking, but all I heard was “BITCH BITCH BITCH!”

"Fair point lass." Gimli said, grinning at me.

I love you too Gimli.
All: Blech.

And thus follows a demonstration of pettiness as exhibited by Théoden, King.
*Mackenzie screams*

Gods, do you really have to owe something to Gondor for you to help them out?
Remus: Well, that’s usually how it works.

Couldn't you just do it because you're humanitarian or it's out of the goodness of your heart or something?

"Understand this: things are now in motion that cannot be undone." Gandalf said in a tone that was half-grim half-menacing, lord knows only he can pull that off. "I ride for Minas Tirith. And I won't be going alone."

Ooh wow, an excursion. Yay!
Sai: Who said YOU were going?

OoO

A few hours later and all the arrangements and plans are laid out.

I'll say one thing about these people; they're as efficient as daddy's secretary.

I followed Gandalf and the hobbits to the stable.

I wait patiently as Merry says his farewell before approaching the you
All: AAH! NOT ANOTHER YOU FIC!

hobbit.

"Hullo Pip."

"Hullo Sam." He answers nonchalantly hanging his head.

I bend down and look into his eyes. "Hey," I said smiling and punching him lightly on the chin. "Buck up."
All: Really?

I hand him a small package of muffins.
Quatre: Where did you get that?

"It's still warm!" he says in surprise.

I grin at him. "I made you some in the kitchen, you know, something to nibble on."
Erik: I wouldn’t eat that, Pippin.
*Mackenzie shakes her head vigorously.*


He laughs and hugs me.

"Be safe." I whisper.

"I won't have to say the same for you, I know Legolas will keep you safe." He said grinning cheekily at me.
Sai: Don’t be shipper, Peregrin Took!

I frown, "What?"

"Come Peregrin Took." Gandalf called.

It was still in the same confused state that I approached the old wizard.

"Gandalf," I said sweetly. "Take care of him because if you don't, I'll have your head on a platter."
Mac: You threatened an ISTARI?

I turn around and walk off.

Life is good.

Now I'm off to get some sleep.
Mac: Sleep tight, Joe Jonas I hope the bedbugs bite.
Quatre: Pretentious Words from the Author!


a/n: there you go you lovely people! Click the nifty button before you go!
All: No.

Review responses:
*Erik pulls out INCREDIBLY long list*

Ai-ki-doo: yesh, angst very good.
All: No, angst not very good!

Aya013: -gapes- stop your story? Are you NUTS? Continue it you silly little cupcake!
Mac: I have the morbid curiosity to check this out.
Remus: Remember the last time you let morbid curiosity get to you? You read Celebrian and then went running around screaming “MY EYES! MY EYES!”
*Mackenzie shudders*


Hmm… what do I want to happen? I dunno some more drama I guess. Like a new villain or something to that effect. Watch out for the next chappie! She'll meet the twins then.
Mac: Aww, leave Elladan and Elrohir OUT of this. Please.

Aisling Jace: here you go hon. So you wanna know what'll happen with Sam and Legolas?
Sai: Check out any other Legomance on the site.

All in good time.

BlacRosePoison-Orchid: thank you! I love you people! Don't forget to click the button again!

Kanefire: yah, I was pretty pissed too when they killed him off.
Mac: I’m guessing she means Haldir?

And the twins are awesome, I can see why they're your favorite.

Socks Are Yummy: interesting name. heh… anyway, you'll see more of ms. Evil
All: Who?

in the future chappies, just not right now. And as for Tasha, I didn't get rid of her.
All (flatly): Yay.

You'll see a lot more of her in the sequel.
Remus: There’s a sequel?!

Glad you like my story!

JustMe: hey love! Sorry if your request came kinda short in the fluff department.
Erik: We’re happy.

I'll put some more in the next chappie. it just didn't seem to fit in this one but I will definitely be squeezing in more fluff,
Remus: Don’t tell Voldemort.

just for the hell of it and also to boggle your brains coz I never really said they would end up, eh?
Sai: Oh please, they so are!

Silver sliver: you spelled contagious right, go you! –applauds thee- so, yeah Sam is like a disease heh.
All: DAMN STRAIGHT!

She's amusing, glad you like this story. To tell the truth I was kinda gonna put it off coz I wasn't getting enough feedback but now everything's great.
All: DAMN YOU!

By the way, any requests? Any scenes you want me to put in the next chappie? tell me in your review!

KSarinaW: thank you! Hope you enjoyed this!

ColdPlayGirl: heh, a lot of you are glad Hal didn't die.
Mac: One, it’s Haldir. And Tolkien kept him alive!

I'm glad too really. I love that guy. Also, I doubt anyone will be able to find what the word Mendwe means cause I found it on some site two years ago and now it's gone.
Mac: Greyelvish got taken down?

I ain't gonna tell you what it is just yet though, Sam would get pissy.
*All just stare and shake their heads*

Fear of the Furbies: there you go! Hope that was quick enough!

Once again, please don't forget to click the nifty purple button!
All: NO!
Mackenzie: The chapter’s over!
*They all leave*


Everyone returned to their room, looking at each other. “So, what do you want to do now?” Sai asked.

“Want to go down to Dungeon Six and have a game of bowling?” Mackenzie suggested.

The others shrugged and left the room.
You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot

"Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical)

"Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney

"I wake in the loneliness of sunrise
When the deep purple heaven turns blue
And start to pray
As I pray each day
That I’ll hear some word from you

I lie in the loneliness of evening
Looking out on a silver-flaked sea
And ask the moon
Oh how soon, how soon
Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella


"Thank you, Lord
You have brought us
Safe to shore
Be our strength and protection ever more.
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder


I'm writing a novel!

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Jedi Master Luthien
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Future Egyptologist
Due to a lack of communication on my part, this is another, less interesting sporking of Chapter 19. I apologize for not having it completely finished, but school is killing my creativity this semester, and I was afraid that waiting to finish it would mean delaying posting for another month.


*all enter the theatre*

Omniscient Narrating Voice: Sporking time! Today you are going to be sporking a chapter of the infamous "Stuck in Middle-Earth." It should be very... traumatic.
Yvaine: What? We don't get a little introductory story thing?
Omniscient Narrating Voice: No. Your writer has far too much homework lined up the next three weeks. She's scrambling to get this out as it is.
Atton: But this chapter's not even completely sporked!
O. N. V.: Who cares? A deadline is a deadline. Get on with it!

*screen lights up*


a/n: whoo, y'all have made me one happy little muffinhead!

Atton: She's got about the same amount of brains as a muffin.
Luthi: Lame, Rand.
Evie: She's probably as dense as one, too.

Thanks so much to all who reviewed last chappie. I appreciate it. So here you go. I hope you enjoy this one!

Yvaine: Don't worry- we won't.

Chapter 19: copywight elmer fudd, all wights wesewved..

Atton: We have just discovered that shadow08 has a speech impediment.
Yvaine: As well as a capitalization problem.

-Sam-

Luthi: I am Sam. Sam I am. Do you like green eggs and ham?


And—we're riding again.

Elrohir: As we have been for the past month.
Atton: Amazing what the little blue pills can do.
Yvaine: *glares*


Surprise, surprise.

Eowyn's riding with us for a part,

Atton: *opens mouth*
Yvaine: *glares*
Atton: *pouts*


and then she's off to Edoras again.

Luthi: We're off to see the wizard- the wonderful wizard of Oz!

She's pouting because she feels 'we treat her unjustly'.

Seriously, put a cork in it sister.

I mean, I like you and all but please.

Luthi: Really? Could've fooled me.

You don't even know the Kingly-ranger-dude that well.

Don John: Neither do you, Sue.

You're only blinded by his shiny deeds

Elrohir: I was not aware that deeds could be shiny.
Luthi: Ooh! Shiny object!


and sword.

Luthi: *snickers*
Evie: Great, Atton- now you've got us all thinking dodgy.
Atton: Hey, what am I here for?


Am I being harsh?

Luthi: Maybe, but the main vibe I'm getting from this is stupidity.

Oh well, at least I haven't said it aloud.

Elrohir: Or have you?

The men are having a conference

Atton: *as Aragorn* Right, then- the meeting has officially come to order. Let us all say the pledge.
Luthi: I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food.
Everyone Else: :huh:
Luthi: What?


somewhere up front so I'm stuck here, being the tiny insignificant speck that I am.

All: :blink:
Don John: It admitted that it's insignificant?
Yvaine: I think pigs must be flying.
Atton: And it's probably snowing on Mustafar.


Great, now I'm cranky and depressed.

Luthi: Sometimes happens during that week of the month.

"Sam," Eowyn begins. "May I ask you something?"

Don John: *as Eowyn* Are you aware that there is a giant pimple on your nose?
Evie: *as Eowyn* Did you see the PPC agent behind you?
Atton: *as Eowyn* Why are you such a &%@#$?
Yvaine: *whacks him* Language, Atton!


I turn to her and smile. "Yeah, sure."

Evie: *deadpan* Such stimulating dialogue. Why is shadow08 not in print?
Luthi: After SMeyer, nothing would surprise me.


"The woman, he is betrothed to,"

Yvaine: Oh, look. A poor little stray comma for Mac's Society!
Luthi: Either that, or Sam is a Yoda!Sue...
Atton: Urple!Yodas... *shudders*


she pauses. "Have you met her?"

"No." I answer smoothly. "Heard a lot about her though."

Evie: And forgot every bit of it.

Let me just say that I love the Aragorn/Arwen ship to death, and I'll be damned if I let anything screw it up.

Elrohir: Considering that my sister and Estel's relationship is canon, the only thing that could, as the Sue says, "screw it up", would be Sam.

"Is it true that she is sailing away?"

Luthi: If we had any luck, San would be the one sailing away- in third class on the Titanic.

I notice Legolas and Gimli riding towards us from up front.

He looks amused.

Elrohir: Which "he" might that be?
Luthi: My bet's on the horse.
Atton: Really? I was thinking Random Rohirric Soldier #13.


"Well," Eowyn asks expectantly. "Is she?"

"Nope." I answer confidently. "Not gonna happen."

"You sound confident." Legolas comments. "How are you so sure?"

Atton: And Legolas knows what they're talking about because....?
Elrohir: Atton, you should know by now that Sue stories never make sense.


I roll my eyes. "You'll figure it out."

Yvaine: Someone could stand to learn some manners...

And ride out to annoy Eomer.

All: SENTENCE FRAGMENT!

OoO

Luthi: That is one of the more... interesting... section dividers I've seen.
Atton: Looks like Sam is watching us.
All: *look around suspiciously*


Ugh.

Evie: Again with the absolutely lovely bits of eloquence... Please excuse me while I headwall myself into oblivion.
Atton: You're excused.


So, is this punishment for annoying the heck out of Eomer?

Elrohir: No. That will come later.
Atton: This is your punishment for being created. *beat* I bet Sam's something Saruman threw out when he was first attempting to breed Uruk-hai.


Not only do I have to ride with a bunch of smelly, chauvinistic men,

All Males: <_<
Elrohir: I'm certain Legolas would be flattered by that description.
Luthi: There's a difference between chauvinistic and chivalric. Tolkien's characters are usually the latter.


I also have to ride through a living forest that could very well grind my bones to make their bread?

Evie: We wish they would.
Don John: What tree in its right mind would eat a Sue? If someone did manage to kill it, the place they left its body to rot would be bare of vegetation for the next several millennia.


Stupid farts.

Atton: *as Sam* I knew I shouldn't have had that bean burrito.
Evie: :rolleyes:


Men.

Atton: Sues.

They just have to go through the dangerous routes don't they?

Atton: *as the men* I eat danger for breakfast.
Luthi: That can't be healthy. Try some bacon, eggs and orange juice.


A tree groans nearby.
Fishpaste and cucumber!

Luthi: Will someone please explain to me how those last three sentences were connected?
Evie: I'd try, but I don't think there's room in this theatre for the necessary flowchart.


A hand closes on my shoulder and I snarl at him, whoever he is.

Yvaine: How does she know the hand is male?
Atton: I will refrain from making the comment that popped into my head.


"You have been in a decidedly prickly mood

Luthi: Someone dared Sam to eat a cactus.

since we left Helm's Deep." The voice said.

Elrohir: Isn't hearing voices one of the first signs of insanity?
Evie: Yes, and responding to them is another. As is talking to yourself.
Yvaine: We have just established that Sam is insane.
Atton: I thought we already knew that.


I keep my mouth shut and turn away.

Luthi: Newsflash! The Sue has successfully allowed its jaw muscles to do their job!

In case you're wondering, the person I'm talking to is Legolas.

Evie: Wow. Didn't see that coming. :sarcasm:

I know big surprise eh?
"Sam?" he repeated, concerned.

All: TENSE CHANGE!!

"Leaver her alone lad." Came Gimli's voice from behind him.

Elrohir: *as Gimli* Her very presence is a poisonous fume.
Atton: Must be those stupid farts she mentioned earlier.
Yvaine: :rolleyes: I can feel the IQ level in this room dropping by the second.


Oh but you know he's not going to leave me alone now Gimli!

Luthi: *as Legolas* I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!

Darn it.

"What is the matter?" he asked.

I turned to him, rolling my unwounded shoulder.

"I'm peachy keen." I told him with a smile. "Just, uneasy."

And who wouldn't be, I ask you?

Holy shampoo!

Yvaine: Who worships shampoo?
Elrohir: Lady Yvaine, this is a Sue. It would be completely logical for it to worship shampoo.


Light!

Atton: Camera! Action!

We're nearly out of this forest of cannibalism galore!

All: Bwah?
Evie: The trees eat each other?


Joy!
Luthi: *a la Riley Poole* Albuquerque. See, I can do it too. Snorkel!

A light noise reaches my ears

Don John: As opposed to a dark noise?

and I perk up in my seat on Charcoal.

Atton: It's going to be all sooty.
Elrohir: I believe Charcoal is its horse's name.


I hear it again.

Laughter.

Light-hearted, distinctly hobbity laughter!

A grin breaks across my face.

Don John: *as Sam* Unfortunately, time was short. I was unable to stop and pick up the pieces.

"Merry and Pippin!" I cry, overjoyed.

Boromir rides up beside me, grinning madly.

Yvaine: Poor Boromir. He's gone insane from spending too much time in Sam's company.

In the near distance, we saw

All: TENSE CHANGE!!

the two small forms of our hobbit friends basking on a rock surrounded by food.

Atton: *as Pippin* Ahh. Sunshine, plenty of food, no Sam the Sue to annoy us... Life is good.
Yvaine: *as Merry* Don't look now, Pip, but I think the good times just came to an abrupt end.
Atton: *as Pippin* Quick! Act drunk! *downs juma*


As we neared I caught a few snippets of their conversation.

"A mug of ale in my hand, putting my feet up on a settee after a hard day's work." Came Pippin's voice.

"Only," Merry pointed out. "You've never done a hard day's work."

More laughing followed, even some from our companions.

I giggled.

The two hobbits spot us and Pippin waves a tankard high, laughing.

Holy hell,

Luthi: That's an oxymoron if I ever heard one.

I think he's drunk.

Atton: No, just a very good actor.

"Welcome, my lords…" Merry said importantly, standing up. "To Isengard."

Luthi: *begins singing* They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard!
Elrohir: I believe they have already taken the Hobbits to Isengard.


From somewhere, I hear Gimli growl.

"You young rascals! A merry chase you've led us on, and now we find you feasting and… and smoking!" cried Gimli in outrage.

"We are sitting on the field of victory, enjoying a few well-earned comforts. The salted pork is particularly good." Defended Pippin sounding only slightly touched in the head.

"Salted pork?" Gimli repeats

All: TENSE CHANGE!
Yvaine: ...Again. I am getting a sore throat from all this yelling. <_<
Elrohir: *offers her a cough drop*


eagerly. I can see the smile on his face.

Man, I love that dwarf.

Evie: Sam is going after Gimli as well?
Luthi: Nothing surprises me any more.


"Hobbits." Gandalf muttered impatiently.

All: *bored* Tense change.

Aww, you know you love 'em.

I know I do.

How could you not?

Hobbit huggability is exhibited quite strongly in Pippin.

Luthi: The Hobbits are not children. I don't think Pippin would take kindly to Sam randomly hugging him.
Elrohir: I do not believe anyone would take kindly to Sam hugging them- unless it gave them the chance to drive a knife through its heart.
Atton: No, 'cause then they'd get its sparkly, urple, acidic blood all over them. Kill the Sues from a distance, or use fire-based weapons.
Evie: We should skin it with a lightsaber. :evil:

"We're under orders from Treebeard who's taken over management of Isengard." Merry explains happily.

Yvaine: I vote that, from here on out, we ignore the tense changes.
Atton: I second the motion. There are far too many of them.


Dear me the smoke has gotten to their heads I tell you.

They climbed down from their rock at Gandalf's orders.

"Hullo." They said looking up at me and smiling genially.

God, if it weren't so typically feminine I'd be hugging them to death.

Luthi: There is nothing wrong with being typically feminine, and the Hobbits are not children! :headwall:

"Have you forgotten us?" Pippin asked crossing his arms.

Atton: And his fingers, in hopes that he had, indeed, been forgotten.

I grinned cheekily.

"How could I forget!"

Evie: *as Merry* Darn.
Yvaine: *as Pippin* Quite easily, actually.


I answered climbing off Charcoal.

I feigned a thoughtful expression. "Perry and Mippin, correct?"

This was met with raucous laughter from all the men.

Atton: *as men* Ha, ha! The Sue can't crack a joke to save its life!
Elrohir: *as men* Is its memory really that atrocious?


I do believe I amused them with that one.

Got my sordid sense of humor intact, I'm only a little bit broken physically speaking,

Atton: Is she complaining about being fairly healthy?
Evie: We can take care of that.


and I amused the chauvinistic males.

Take that!

OoO

HO-LY shite!

It's a—it's a talking tree!

I shiver involuntarily and slowly maneuver Charcoal further away from the big nasty.

Creepy.

I'm sorry.

I liked Treebeard well enough in the films; I just find it freaky to see him in the flesh—er bark.

Oh look, its big bad needle sticking out of the ground.

Stupid gay-assed bastard.

What are you really doing in there with Grima, eh Saruman?

All: :O_O:
Luthi: Barf bag! :X


Ugh!

Visions!

Mind leaving the path of righteousness!

It burns!

OoO

Ah, it seems I lost more blood than I anticipated.

Or it could be that I suffered intense psychological trauma from those self-inflicted visions.

Elrohir: In order to suffer psychological trauma, does one not first need a psyche?
Luthi: Uh... I would imagine so...
Elrohir: And is the definition of "psyche" not "the mind; that which is required for thoughts and feelings" or, in other words, the brain?
Evie: It is indeed.
Elrohir: Then I think it safe to say that Sam could not suffer psychological trauma. She has no brain.
Atton: Point, Elf-boy.


Shiver.

Never again.

And now ladies and gentlemen, may I present the disturbing sight of Gandalf bopping,

Luthi: That would be disturbing.
Evie: You just agreed with a Sue.
Luthi: Someone kill me. Now.
Atton: *hits Luthi over the head with his juma bottle*
Luthi: OW! *rubs head* I didn't mean literally!


hobbit dancing and men drinking.

Atton: What's so disturbing about that? *downs juma*

Théoden raises his tankard. "All hail the victorious dead!"

We raise our tankards.

"HAIL!" the men holler back.

Luthi: Personally, I'd be running for cover. Those hailstones can cause some damage- especially if they get up to softball size.
Elrohir: Softball-sized hailstones?
Luthi: That's nothing. I grew up in Tornado Alley. I've seen 'em the size of grapefruits.


I put down the alcohol they gave me

Atton: *as Sam* In hopes of getting me drunk and convincing me I could fly off the Edoras wall...

and go off to find Eowyn.

I want to go to sleep.

Luthi: Again, what the heck do those two sentences have to do with each other?

Darn it, where is Eowyn?

Elrohir: Hiding from you.
Atton: Stalking you, just waiting for a chance to strike.
Evie: And then Eowyn jumped out from a dark corner and beheaded the Sue. All Middle-earth was grateful. The End.


Tired of walking, I sit down beside Legolas and Gimli.

"What's going on here?" I ask, noticing the group.

Eomer comes forward, looking amused. "No pauses, no spills." He said firmly.

"And no regurgitation." Puts in Gimli.

"So it's a drinking game?" Legolas asks.

Oh god.

I stand up and shake my head muttering, "Men." Exasperatedly under my breath.

After a few more minutes of searching, I finally find Eowyn and find a room to sleep in.

Bloody hell.

At least she wasn't hitting on Aragorn when I found her.

Ugh, thank goodness for small favors.

OoO

And, yeah, you know how you expect to be able to sleep as soon as your head hits the pillow?

Doesn't it totally suck when you're so tired it's not even funny and you still can't sleep?

The sleep sisters are waging a blatant attack on me for being so utterly pathetic.

Bitches.

Bloody Mary queen of Scots, why did I have to go falling in love with an unreachable?

Luthi: Actually, Bloody Mary and Mary, Queen of Scots were two different people. Bloody Mary, or Mary Tudor, was the daughter of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon, and older half-sister to Elizabeth the First. Mary, Queen of Scots was the daughter of-
Atton: This is related to the story how?
Evie: It's not, but I'd still rather listen to Luthi.


Stupid gay-assed emotions.

I could've fallen for Aragorn, thus giving myself sufficient reason to jump off a tower

Elrohir: As if it hasn't enough reason already.

instead of ruining my favorite couple, but no it has to be pure torture doesn't it?

Why do the Powers That Be hate me so much?

Evie: I have no idea. :sarcasm:

What dare I ask have I ever done to them?

Atton: Besides mucking up their world, traumatizing every character you come in contact with, behaving rudely to everyone you meet, and being so annoying in general that I'm tempted to go back to the dark side just so I can kill you and have it done with?
Don John: I am fairly certain that the desire to terminate a creature such as this Sue is not the work of this... Dark Side.


Sigh.

I feel so depressed right now.

Evie: Why don't you go jump off a cliff, then? I'm sure that will make you feel better.
Luthi: Preferably one with nice, sharp rocks at the bottom.


I'm gonna go take a walk.

Evie: *as Sam* And then throw myself off a cliff.

Hopefully all those drinking men will have become so knackered they all just keeled over on the spot. But knowing my fantastic luck and how much the fates love me, I'd wager I'll be pining for my room before two hours are up.

Why two hours you ask?

Simple.

It'll probably take me an hour to actually get to the golden hall thingy.

Wish me luck!

Evie: Break a leg!
Luthi: I've always wondered why they say that in the acting business...
Evie: No, I meant it literally. I hope she breaks her leg.


OoO

Coming here was a bad idea.

Sob.

I just found out how much of a pariah I truly am.

Elrohir: There is no way in Arda your miniscule mind could wrap itself around how much of a pariah you are, Sue.

In the past half-hour I've been here, I've been sat on, pushed, and spilt beer on.

All: *cheer*
Luthi: I think the Rohirrim just became my new favorite people group.


Ugh.

At least I don't smell like beer anymore thanks to Eowyn.

And now, I have removed myself from the festivities, preferring instead to stay hidden in a corner.

These people scare me.

And there aren't any maids I can shanghai into taking me back to my room.

Yeah, as we all know my sense of direction sucks and I'd probably end up in Mordor than my room.

Atton: And then trip and fall into the Cracks of Doom.

Dunno bout you guys, but I ain't risking it.

Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?

Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?

Do you know the muffin man that lives on drury lane?

Luthi: What. The. Heck?

"What is it you sing?" came a voice from beside me.

I look up and see a man a few years or so older than me, holding a mug.

Darn, he seems drunk.

"I was singing?" I ask blankly.

Elrohir: *raises eyebrow*
Atton: It doesn't have control over its own voice?
Luthi: I think it just suffers from short-term memory loss. Very, very short-term.


He nods.

Eew, that is just so Mary-sue.

All: BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE, IDIOT!!
Yvaine: Our apologies to the Caps Lock key.


Somebody cut off my tongue.

Atton: *ignites lightsaber* I would be more than happy to.

Treacherous thing it is after all.

"My lady?"

Oh, darn it I spaced out again.

I give him a smile. "It's a song we sang as children in my hometown. Just some nonsense invented for fun."

He nods in understanding. "Might I have the honor of your name my Lady?"

"Depends, may I have yours?"

"I am Deor, my Lady." He said inclining his head.

Evie: *as Deor* It is nice to meet you, Lady Depends.
Luthi: Makes it sound like she rules over adult diapers.
Elrohir: No one would refer to that piece of orc bait as "Lady" if they were in possession of their senses.
Atton: This guy must be really, really drunk.


"Sam."

"Charmed." He answered scooting closer.

Oh dear.

I move away, ever so subtly.

He leans over me.

Ugh, he reeks of booze.

"What say you teach me a few more of those songs in a more," he said slowly his hand riding up my knee. "romantic setting?"

I stared at him.

Ho-lee sheet.

I move further away and successfully get his hand off of my knee and land on my ass on the floor.

Oh crap, I knew I shouldn't have forgotten Keiko and my daggers in my room!

Elrohir: Who is Keiko?
Evie: Probably her random ninja bodyguard.


I'm in trouble now.

Shit, shit, shit!

The doofus pulls me up by the arm, his grip as tight as a vice.

Crap, what do I do?

I hate not having any hand-to-hand combat skills.

I am way too reliant on my weapons.

"Trying to escape eh?" he said menacingly. He leers at me and then suddenly latches his lips onto mine!

All: *laugh*
Luthi: Oh, my freaking gosh... I feel sorry for the poor drunk guy.
Atton: He's going to wash his mouth out with soap when he wakes up in the morning.
Evie: Forget the soap. He'll be drinking chlorine bleach.


GOOD GOD!

Bloody hell, bloody hell!

Instinctively I ram my knee hard into whatever body part of his it can find. His death-grip loosens and I pull away.

"I like 'em feisty!" he said laughing boisterously.

I run.

"Get away from me you bastard!" I scream pushing him away.

Where the hell are those boys when you need them?

Yvaine: Hiding just around the corner, laughing as you run from their remote-controlled Drunk Man Robot.

I run out of the hall, perve-ass hot on my heels.

"Come on lass, just come with me like a good one eh?" he said his words getting sloppy.

He was drunk.

Why didn't I leave when I had the chance?

Jesus, why does this always happen to me?

I turn blindly and end up facing a wall.

Shit, a dead end.

Oh god.

I feel hot tears burning behind my eyelids and I clench my hands into fists.

"Nowhere else to run…" Deor said tauntingly. "You are mine."

Yeah?

I may not be good at hand-to-hand but I sure as hell ain't going down without a fight.

OoO

I shall forever be in Legolas' debt.

Yeah that's right.

Just as I was about to be mangled by that horrid, horrid man he came out of one of the rooms and saw us.

Atton: Then gave Deor a thumbs-up and walked off.

Oh gods you should've seen him.

His face contorted into this utterly furious expression and he punched the living daylights out of Deor.

Man, I hate to think what'll happen if he hit on a girl Legolas really cared about.

I mean, if I hadn't stopped him why I do believe the elf would have pummeled him to death.

"Are you alright?" he asked me once he was done bashing my attacker's face in.

"Yeah." I answered shakily. Which I am, aside from the fact that my arm hurts from where the prat grabbed it and my head's spinning.

Oh and did I mention that said arm is bruised?

Grumble, grumble.

I give Deor a kick just for good measure and allow Legolas to escort me to the communal sleeping rooms we were to sleep in.

He would've stayed in my good books though if he hadn't told Boromir.

Come on lovies, this is Boromir we're talking about.

Mr. Overprotective Brother in all his glory.

Elrohir: Wait... Boromir is this Sue's brother?!
Atton: *reads back over the preceding chapters* Apparently she saved him from the Uruk-hai or something...
Elrohir: :headwall: *knocks himself out*


He completely flipped out and dragged all the boys out of the room to god-knows-where and they haven't returned since.

Elrohir: *as Boromir* Quickly, everyone! If we leave now, we can be halfway to Gondor before Sam realizes we aren't avenging its honor!

Dear, dear…

Why does this always happen to me?

Oh, the boys are back.
Luthi: *sings* The boys are back in town...

"Are you alright Sam?" Boromir asked sitting down next to me.

I nod. "Yeah, just—overtaxed.

Luthi: No taxation without representation!
Evie: *as Boromir* So I'm still stuck with you? The Valar hate me.


I really didn't want a repeat of spring fling but ho deedle dum there it was again."

I can't say he actually understood what I said

Atton: I don't think anyone actually understood what you said.
Luthi: In Ara-ese, probably something along the lines of "hurk forain on the pletherous goff".
Yvaine: I think that actually made more sense.


but at least he cared.

Evie: *snorts* In your dreams.

"Sam," said Pippin sitting down on the spot Boromir had just vacated. "You are alright?"

I nod and smile.

Yvaine: *as Pippin* Darn.

"I'm fine Pip. Just a little damaged but then again I already was right?"

Luthi: You can say that again. I think it was born brain-damaged.
Yvaine: We've already established that it doesn't have a brain to damage.


He didn't smile.

Atton: That is because you just told him one of the worst bits of news he's ever heard.
Evie: He's probably about to go off and put on his mourning clothes.


Oh dear, now you know it's bad if Pippin doesn't smile.

"Pip?"

"We took care of him for you." He whispered confidentially into my ear before hopping off the bed.

Atton: They put him up in a nice hotel free of charge, with room service paid for the entire week.

I smiled and felt tears sliding from my eyes.

"Sam?" came Legolas' voice. "Nay, do not weep. He shall not bother you again."

Elrohir: *wakes up* *as Legolas* As we are about to throw you into a pit of wargs.
Yvaine: Personally, I think they should drown her in the dead marshes.


Damn that gentleness in his voice.

I wrap my arms around his neck and hold him tight.

"Thank you." I whisper into his ear. "Thank you."

OoO

And after that singular moment of femininity, which I am never going to repeat,

Luthi: What is wrong with being feminine?
Yvaine, Evie: *shrug*


imagine my chagrin when I am woken moments later by a screaming and twitching Pippin holding the Palantir in his hands.

"Pippin!" I screamed jumping off the bed.

I hear Merry's similar screams.

"Wake up!" I screamed. "Wake up you bunions! Get your asses over here!"

Am I hysterical?

Yes, why yes I am.

I can't help it; this is Pippin we're talking about. I'd kill to protect the rowdier half of the hobbit brigade.

Aragorn and Legolas burst through the door.

Aragorn wrenches the Palantir from Pippin's hands and crumples to the floor.

"Boromir, Legolas make him let go of that thing!" I cry.

Yvaine: Has anyone else noticed that shadow08 seems to have a vendetta against paragraphs that are longer than two sentences?
Others: *raise hands*


It takes their combined effort and the Palantir falls to the floor I grab a blanket from a nearby bed and throw it over the seemingly living ball.

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf thunders.

He pushes Merry aside like a ball of crumpled paper.

I knelt down next to him and out an arm around his shoulder, glaring daggers over at Whitey.

"Look at me."

Pippin gives a jolt and looks into the wizard's eyes. "Gandalf! Forgive me!"

He looks away only to be brought back. "Look at me. What did you see?"

I saw fear in the youngest hobbit's eyes. "A tree…there was a white tree in courtyard of stone…it was dead. The city was burning."

Luthi: Tree in a courtyard, and the courtyard made of stone...
Atton: *sings* And the green grass grew all around, all around, and the green grass grew all around.
Elrohir: Are the two of you intending on singing that song in every spork project we do?
Luthi: *shrugs*


"Minas Tirith." I hear Boromir whisper.

"Minas Tirith?" Gandalf repeats. "Is that what you saw?"

Pippin was visibly shaking now. "I saw…I saw him! I could hear his voice in my head!"

I shivered in spite of myself.

I could still recall quite clearly what the sound of his voice sounded like and how terrible it was to behold his eye in your mind.

"And what did you tell him? Speak!" Gandalf said harshly.

Jeez man, will you let him alone?

Elrohir: Do you not understand that the fate of Middle-earth is in question, idiotic one?
Evie: Of course it doesn't. All it can understand is "OMG, Leggie iz lyk SO HOTT!!11!!1!! SQUEEEEE!!!!!!"
Elrohir: *rubs ears* Next time you decide to do that, warn me.


"He asked me my name. I didn't answer. He hurt me!" he said quailing at the memory.

Oh I know how that feels too. He has more ways of hurting you than punches and such.

How do I know?

Heh comes from firsthand experience.

Yesh, remember that little bit in the mines?

"What did you tell him about Frodo and the ring?"

And—he's popped the million dollar question!

Ai!

OoO

A few hours later, once we were sure Pippin was alright, I hear Aragorn mutter quietly, "I thought perhaps…I could control it."

I rolled my eyes and let out a huff. "Next time Aragorn when you wanna try something that could endanger us, don't. You didn't help; you made everything worse by letting that gay-assed Mordorian bastard get a good look at you."

Everyone stares at me. "What?" I snap. "It's true."

"What do you mean by that?" Aragorn hisses, all defensive.

"I mean your Reluctant Highness, that by grabbing that stupid glowing ball—"I explain in a very sarcastic manner but I am interrupted.

"Palantir." Haldir corrects haughtily.

"Whatever Hal." I said, glaring at him. "The point is, by grabbing that pathetic excuse for a bowling ball, he let Sauron get a good long look at him. The only thing that overgrown blockhead fears is the kingdoms of men uniting against him; and because Aragorn here is the rightful king of Gondor, he's the only honcho who can do that thus my hypothesis that Sauron is afraid of him. Do you get my point honey?"

"Fair point lass." Gimli said, grinning at me.

I love you too Gimli.

And thus follows a demonstration of pettiness as exhibited by Théoden, King.

Atton: And a snarky comment as demonstrated by Rand, Atton.

Gods, do you really have to owe something to Gondor for you to help them out?

Luthi: *as Valar* We do not meddle in the affairs of the Children of Eru unless it is absolutely necessary.
Elrohir: *as Valar*What would we possibly owe to Gondor? And why are you polluting our universe with your foul presence? Away with you!
Yvaine: Thus it was that the Valar sent Sam to the Void to visit Morgoth, and Middle-earth was saved from the greatest evil to ever enter it. The End.
Luthi: I feel sorry for Morgoth. He's not all that bad- once you hit him over the head with a cast iron skillet and give him memory loss...


Couldn't you just do it because you're humanitarian or it's out of the goodness of your heart or something?

"Understand this: things are now in motion that cannot be undone." Gandalf said in a tone that was half-grim half-menacing, lord knows only he can pull that off. "I ride for Minas Tirith. And I won't be going alone."

Ooh wow, an excursion. Yay!

OoO

A few hours later and all the arrangements and plans are laid out.

I'll say one thing about these people; they're as efficient as daddy's secretary.

Yvaine: Is that supposed to be a helpful simile?
Evie: I have no idea. How efficient is her father's secretary?
Atton: At doing what? Filing papers? Typing up reports? Jumping her boss?
Yvaine: *glares* You. Silent. Now.


I followed Gandalf and the hobbits to the stable.

I wait patiently as Merry says his farewell before approaching the you hobbit.

"Hullo Pip."

"Hullo Sam." He answers nonchalantly hanging his head.

I bend down and look into his eyes. "Hey," I said smiling and punching him lightly on the chin. "Buck up."

I hand him a small package of muffins.

"It's still warm!" he says in surprise.

I grin at him. "I made you some in the kitchen,

Yvaine: As opposed to the stables?

you know, something to nibble on."

He laughs and hugs me.

"Be safe." I whisper.

"I won't have to say the same for you, I know Legolas will keep you safe." He said grinning cheekily at me.

I frown, "What?"

"Come Peregrin Took." Gandalf called.

It was still in the same confused state that I approached the old wizard.

"Gandalf," I said sweetly. "Take care of him because if you don't, I'll have your head on a platter."

I turn around and walk off.

Life is good.

Now I'm off to get some sleep.

a/n: there you go you lovely people! Click the nifty button before you go!
Review responses:
Ai-ki-doo: yesh, angst very good.
Aya013: -gapes- stop your story? Are you NUTS? Continue it you silly little cupcake! Hmm… what do I want to happen? I dunno some more drama I guess. Like a new villain or something to that effect. Watch out for the next chappie! She'll meet the twins then.
Aisling Jace: here you go hon. So you wanna know what'll happen with Sam and Legolas? All in good time.
BlacRosePoison-Orchid: thank you! I love you people! Don't forget to click the button again!
Kanefire: yah, I was pretty pissed too when they killed him off. And the twins are awesome, I can see why they're your favorite.

Elrohir: I do not know whether to be flattered or insulted.
Atton: Insulted, Elf-boy. Her other favorite is probably Edward Cullen.

Socks Are Yummy: interesting name. heh… anyway, you'll see more of ms. Evil in the future chappies, just not right now. And as for Tasha, I didn't get rid of her. You'll see a lot more of her in the sequel.

All: :O_O:
Evie: Did she just say...
Yvaine: Sequel?
All: *scream bloody murder* :headwall:

Glad you like my story!
JustMe: hey love! Sorry if your request came kinda short in the fluff department. I'll put some more in the next chappie. it just didn't seem to fit in this one but I will definitely be squeezing in more fluff, just for the hell of it and also to boggle your brains coz I never really said they would end up, eh?
Silver sliver: you spelled contagious right, go you! –applauds thee- so, yeah Sam is like a disease heh.

Atton: A bad rash that won't go away.

She's amusing, glad you like this story. To tell the truth I was kinda gonna put it off coz I wasn't getting enough feedback, but now everything's great.
Evie: Why, people? Why did you review?
By the way, any requests? Any scenes you want me to put in the next chappie? tell me in your review!
KSarinaW: thank you! Hope you enjoyed this!
ColdPlayGirl: heh, a lot of you are glad Hal didn't die. I'm glad too really. I love that guy. Also, I doubt anyone will be able to find what the word Mendwe means cause I found it on some site two years ago and now it's gone.

Luthi: Google can find anything. Except fabric to make Eowyn's Shieldmaiden dress...

I ain't gonna tell you what it is just yet though, Sam would get pissy.

Yvaine: Yet another Suethor who believes her Sue is a real person.

Fear of the Furbies: there you go! Hope that was quick enough!
Once again, please don't forget to click the nifty purple button!

Elrohir: The button is not purple.
Evie: But that's the end!
Atton: It is? Thank the Force!
*all exit the theatre*
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