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MST: Stuck in Middle earth [REVIEW]; Let it all out here, my friends.
Topic Started: Aug 1 2009, 07:22 PM (2,745 Views)
Refia
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Paying Tribute to the Past
Unfortunately, I've checked her journal, and the fanfiction.net version has all chapters, while the journal one does not and seemingly quit after chapter 39 or so. :(

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You know, I used to think Mystery Science Theater 3000 started the trend of sporking, but now I wonder whether the producers of that show got their idea from Statler and Waldorf. I wouldn't be surprised if they did.


It wouldn't surprise me, either. I think the Muppets inspired many people to many things. For me, Statler and Waldorf are the grandfathers of sporking, while Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the father of it. :P


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Well, I'm off to read the note on Shadow08's profile and send her a mocking review about it.


I send her a PM about it today. It remains to be seen if I get a reply. If I do get one, it will probably be an immature one, with lots of personal attacks to me, belittling me, plugging her fingers in her ears and generally being a typical Suethor of the worst kind.
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
[/align]
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Maevainwen Adaniel
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Master of the Rings
KERMIT!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU REFIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol:

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*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *listens for a while* Oh, okay. *puts down the horn*
Mia: Who was it?
Kermit: The Department of Unnecessary Italics.


Another department to call? Boo Yeah!! :yeah!:

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Branar: Gee, for a moment I was convinced he was the Wizard of Oz. Thanks for clarifying!


HaHa! Nice Branar . . . poor Gandalf . . .

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Sesshoumaru: It can think?


Ah, but what was it thinking? How to get laid by every totally hawt!!1! member of the fellowship?

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Height, beard, metal, axe, smell and all.


:burnmad: Can. Someone. PLEASE. Murder. Me. Now?

Oh my fucking gods . . . she spent nearls half the chapter describing what it felt like to be dirty? and then she felt in necessary to inform us that her bathwater was - shock horror - cold! . . . freezing even? Doesn't she get that we don't give a fuck about that??

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Or haven’t you been paying attention to the movies and the books?


She only paid attention to the scenes where she could drool over Legolas

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Branar: The sad things is that this paragraph is supposed to show the Sue having deep thoughts.
Sesshoumaru: Even sadder is that it still sucks and her Sue is as despicable as ever.


Hear hear

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Vanille: Well, duh, you’re not a parent, are you?
Mia: For the sake of my sanity, I hope not.


The sue? A parent? :X and how can she try understand that . . . so many of my families friends have lost kids and I still can't empathise with it :angry:

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Sesshoumaru (as Legolas): It is hilariously hideous.


Heyy, nice alliteration there <_< or was that just repetition . . . I've forgot :ph43r:

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*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *coins start to drop out of the horn, and Kermit quickly catches them*
Mia: Who was it this time?
Kermit: Las Vegas.


:rofl: :rofl: I can so see that . . . :lol:



Oh gods Refie . . . how the fuck did you survive that? *hands over barrels of Miruvodka and Dorwinion* Congrats for seeing it through
If I promise not to kill you can I have a hug?

My favorite thing about eating gummy bears is that they don't fight back when bite their heads off

Teddies don't hug back, but sometimes they're all you have...

Joker: You know, there are three kinds of people in this world. The optomistic that find the glass half full, and the pessimistic that see it as half empty. Then there's the paranoid, and they just think someone's drinking out of their glass.

Corrigan: Huh, then which one are you?

Joker: I'm the one who knocks the glass over.
~ The Joker Blogs.
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Jedi Master Luthien
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Future Egyptologist
Yay for Kermit the Frog!!! :dance:

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Gimli is funny, sarcastic brave and honest…you can't help but like him. Height, beard, metal, axe, smell and all.

Kermit: Did she just say that Gimli stinks?
Sesshoumaru: Yes, frog.


That's it. She's going DOWN. :burnmad:

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Vanille: And now Eowyn’s reduced to being the Sue’s servant maid?!


GAH!! :headwall: :headwall:

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Mia (as Eowyn): Because nobody wanted to prepare a hot bath for a Sue.


I don't blame them. OOH! They could have gotten the water so hot that she boiled to death! That would have been... nice. :evil: :lol:

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It's horrible.
Just horrible.

Mia: Kind of funny how she just summed up our thoughts about this fic.


Amen.

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Branar: Truly? I so expected you to waltz into the open without your clothes.
Kermit: *gulps*


Wouldn't put it past her... *shudders*

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Basically he thinks that just because they're older than me they can boss me around.

Branar: Newsflash: they can. Their authority far overrides yours.


Round of applause for Branar! :clapping:

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*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *coins start to drop out of the horn, and Kermit quickly catches them*
Mia: Who was it this time?
Kermit: Las Vegas.


:lol:

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That evening, Mastermind and his seven guests went to watch the Muppet Show, and for the first time ever they enjoyed every minute they spent inside a theatre.


And they definitely deserved it.


Nice job, Refie!! I can't believe you survived that... :bow: :bow: *sends Lipton Iced Tea and brain bleach*
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Xaja Silversheen
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King of Nothing
Oh. Dear. Valar.

There was a good point to this though... KERMIT!!! :D :bounce:

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"You need not come to the funeral." A voice behind me said.


Actually, it's kinda expected that the body would be there- Wait, it's not the Sue's. Damn.

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Kermit: What is a pointed look?
Mia: I have no idea, Kermit.


A look with a point, evidently. Too bad said point isn't enough to kill the Sue.

Wait... I swear that made sense in my head. Moving on...

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*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *listens for a while* Oh, okay. *puts down the horn*
Mia: Who was it?
Kermit: The Department of Unnecessary Italics.


:lol: That's great! I wonder if they know the number for the Death Star...

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What was my point?


You have none, Sue, except to die in the slowest, most brutal way possible. NEXT!

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Height, beard, metal, axe, smell and all.


Ahem. Ex-CUSE ME?!

Right. Gimli has passed Legolas in my list of favourite LOTR characters.

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And he's smart, guess that comes as a pre-requisite when you're an elf-prince.


Actually, it's in the blood.

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Vanille: And now Eowyn’s reduced to being the Sue’s servant maid?!


*OOC alarms go off*
OWW!! *rubs ears*

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I sighed and followed her to a door of a room on the far left side of the large hall-slash-room


*scratches head and tries to make sense of that sentence before shrugging and giving up*

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Mia (as Eowyn): Because nobody wanted to prepare a hot bath for a Sue.


I hear ya. Why waste that time doing the Sue a courtesy?

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...
Plus, there's also the dirt and grime you get on your face during battles and sleeping on the ground.

Sesshoumaru: *groans* The wangsting is terrible.


Prissy little wimp. She probably has never been that dirty in her life, the wuss.

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And it's kinda embarrassing when you're placed beside Eowyn who is like, clean and fucking immaculate compared to me and all my muddy gear.


It's also kinda horrendous that Eowyn would be described with that kind of language, Sue.

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Here's hoping Eowyn had enough sense to get me pants and not a dress.

Mia (getting irritated): Sue, get this: you’re in MEDIEVAL TIMES, women wore dresses, so suck it up, deal with it and behave!


AMEN! Get over yourself, BRAT!

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Mia (as Eowyn): Why do you think we would allow a Sue to attend Theodred’s funeral?


Why disgrace the poor guy in death by having a Sue at his funeral?

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Mia: You. Do. Not. Whack. The. Future. Steward. Of. Gondor. On. The. Head. Bitch.


Can I hit her? Can I? Canicanicani?! :bounce: :beg:

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Glory halleluiah!


OI! SPELL IT RIGHT! It's 'Hallelujah', dammit! :angry:

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*Phone rings and Kermit picks up the horn*
Kermit: Hello? *coins start to drop out of the horn, and Kermit quickly catches them*
Mia: Who was it this time?
Kermit: Las Vegas.


:lol: Why doesn't Las Vegas ever call the Death Star? *grumbles*

Kudos for suriving, Refie! *hands over Miruvodka(tm), rum and double-chocolate brownies in large amounts* And I'll take the next unclaimed chapter, whichever that is...
The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? ~Hebrews 13:6
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Destined Darkness
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Master of the Rings
Awesome Arya! :) *sends a survival kit to Arya's team*

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What the hey.


Totally ruined that quote for me :( and I say it about 5 times each day! *sigh*

I feel sorry for your team! :) And I feel extra sorry for Thranduil! He has to spork it in my spork group and in yours! :lol: :A
'Do you know how some families fight and shout and curse each other, but at the end of the day they're still your family and you're with them to the end of the world because you love them and they love you?'
'Well, yeah...'
'My family isn't like that.'
~Jareth to Sarah, Roommates Comic by AsheRhyder

'Imagine a sound, too deep to hear, too deep to be anything but felt. Deep enough to shatter worlds. That is the sound of the grief of the people who live in "if," those beautiful, terrible people who can be anything and everything as long as they are Nothing. Imagine what can make "nothing" feel so deeply that it may even transcend to "something."'
~Roommates Comic by AsheRhyder
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Jedi Master Luthien
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Future Egyptologist
Oh, gosh. It just keeps getting stupider, doesn't it? :headwall:

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I would just like to take this time, while we're walking to Helm's Deep, to say that I am truly pathetic.
*All stare in shock*
Blodgarm: The Sue is admitting that she is pathetic?


:O_O: Pigs must be flying...

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On the contrary, I can do a lot of things.
Arya: Things I’d rather not think about.
Eragon: I don’t think that she meant it in that way.
Arya: With the Sues these days, you never can tell.


GAH! The mental images! They burnsss us, precious!

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Arya: And they are quiet because they are secretly planning your demise.


*pulls out her little "Go Rohan" banner* :surrender:

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Eowyn came shortly after, carrying a pot of stew and dumped out the stew then beat Sam to death with the pot


:lol: Nice one, Glorfindel! :rofl:

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Glorfindel: What are these tomatoes?
Arya: Round red fruits that have seeds. In my opinion they are quite gross.


I don't like them, either.

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Thranduil: And why, pray tell, would my son ask something of a Sue sweetly?


Well, you know the old saying: You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. :nod: Better get the flyswatter ready.

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Eragon: If you hate yourself so much, why don’t you go and throw yourself off a cliff?


Heh. We wish.

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Blodgarm: Uh, wouldn’t it be a little dark to be playing tag? It would be logical…


Unless they were playing flashlight tag. That's a fun game... oh, wait. Flashlights don't exist in Middle-earth.

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Arya: Because in order for them to join the Fellowship they have to be the greatest warrior that ever lived.
Glorfindel: Ah, so they want to be me.


They only wish they could be that awesome. Yay for Glorfindel!! :D

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Glorfindel: Now I’ve ridden horses all my life, but never have I ever climbed up a horse.


Does this mean Sam's about the size of a Barbie doll?


Great job, Arya! I don't blame you for running out of jokes. There's only so much you can say about this kind of stupidity. *sends goody basket and a lot of brain bleach*
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Arya Svit-Kona
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Resident Nutcase
Thank you, thank you! *takes a bow* It's funny, in the end it was ten pages and about 2,000 words longer than it originally was.

That was the worst fic I've ever sporked.
One part fool, three parts brave-Brom in the Eragon movie

It's better to ask forgiveness than permission-Brom and Eragon in the Eragon movie

A red sun rises, blood has been spilt this night-Legolas, The Two Towers

God is great
Life is good
Oh, and Legolas rules


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Refia
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Paying Tribute to the Past
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Islanzadi: Yes, but Suethors seem to think that they are above such things.


Especially Shadow08, the arrogant piece of shit she is. :burnmad: Yes, I'm being rude and insulting, AND I GIVE NO FUCKING DAMN! I HATE HER!

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*All stare in shock*
Blodgarm: The Sue is admitting that she is pathetic?
Arya: She’s admitting that she isn’t the perfect person?
Eragon: Well all I can say is, ‘Sue, you are absolutely correct! You are pathetic!


Don't get your hopes up, she's probably 'pathetic' in a positive way. -_-

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Arya: Is the Sue attempting to be wise?
Eragon: It appears so.


Trying and failing miserably.

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Arya: I don’t think that the Suethor is proper enough to be called a miss.


Not even proper enough to be polite to, arrogant twit.

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Arya: It makes them look extremely rude.


Amen! Sam is the rudest, bitchiest Sue ever! Rosa Monroe has got NOTHING on her!

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Arya: What manners? You don’t have any manners.


Quoted for truth.

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Blodgarm: Knowing you Suethors, you aren’t talking about hiding facial expressions instead you’re talking about how good they are at-…mffffffffff!
Arya: *slaps a hand over Blodgarm’s mouth* Please, I’ve already got enough bad images as it is!


Blodgarm, seriously, SHUT UP! :X

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Eragon: (as Legolas) *mutters to Boromir* Hopefully she’ll be gone long enough for us to plan her demise.
Blodgarm: (as Boromir) Yess! Should we drown her, choke her, or just behead her?
Arya: (as Gimli) I vote for beheading. *starts sharpening his ax*
Eragon: (as Legolas) I’m personally in favor of digging her heart out with a spoon.


All those ideas sound lovely, actually. :evil:

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Arya: A simple fact: Sues will never learn.


Alas. :cry2:

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Glorfindel: What are these tomatoes?
Arya: Round red fruits that have seeds. In my opinion they are quite gross.
Glorfindel: Never heard of them. Since when were they in Middle Earth?
Arya: Since never.


Aren't tomatoes vegetables? And didn't Sam, Merry and Pipin eat some in the first movie on Amon Sûl? ???

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Thranduil: And why, pray tell, would my son ask something of a Sue sweetly?
Arya: He wouldn’t, this is the OOC Legolas, remember.


Yeah, the real Legolas would kill her without a second thought.

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Eragon: This Sue really is an idiot. She can’t even tell if she’s talking or thinking.


You have no idea... -_-

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Arya: And here we go again with the non-Middle Earthy names. Can’t these Suethors just take the time to go to a name generator?


Suethors: Name generator? What is that? How hot is he? Lolz!1! :P :lol:

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Blodgarm: Oh seriously, why do they always seem to be missing at least one parent?
Arya: Because the Suethors think it will make us care for her Sue. Instead it makes us dislike her even more because it’s so cliché.


Damn straight, Arya!

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Blodgarm: *yawns* More of the trying to all wise and philosophical. I’m getting sort of bored with this. How many pages do we have left?
Arya: Five.
Blodgarm: It’s funny, this started out being 16 pages long and it’s turned into 23 pages.


Yeah, this story is about as engaging, thrilling and fun to read as Twilight is. It's just page upon page of boring, shitpile Sue "thoughts" and bad action and mush. It totally sucks and I wish Shadow08 would just break down and cry like the pathetic bitch she is, instead of writing this! :burnmad:

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All: Uh, what?
Eragon: Who would want to be that Sues brother?


OOC Boromir, duh. :rolleyes:

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Thranduil: *is about to throw himself at the screen and throttle the Sue*


You have my full support, Thranduil! :nod:

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All: Just shut up!


PLEASE! :beg:

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All: You are? Good! Thwack a bit harder please! You’ll die quicker!


First time I've seen the Sue do something good.

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Glorfindel: So then why did you come on this quest anyway?


To lust over Legolas, make fun of Gimli, kid around with her brother Boromir and berate Aragorn. Oh, and to entertain us with her deep, thoughtful, witty comments, of course. <_<

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Blodgarm: We very well know that. You wouldn’t mind doing that and-mmmffffffff!
*Eragon slaps a hand over Blodgarm’s mouth then Arya ducktapes it*


Thanks Eragon. Thanks Arya.

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All: Forget it Suethor, you won’t get any sympathy from us.


And don't you forget it, Shadow08, you filthy pile of vomit! :burnmad:
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
[/align]
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Refia
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Paying Tribute to the Past
*Refie's sporking team comes in*
Ace: Hey, we're allowed to review!
Mia: Well, this IS our biggest horror slash nightmare.
Refia: Who are the brave souls that faced another chapter of this... crap this time?

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Quatre: Oh no! Pretentious Words from our Author!


Branar: *resists the urge to headdesk* Get used to them.

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Sai: Sue in pain!
*Erik stops scratching*
Erik: Where?


All: :laugh:
Vanille: Seriously, though, guys, don't get your hopes up.

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Mac: Wait, wait, wait. Adopted BROTHER?


Ace: Eh, just go with it.

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Mac: Wait, wait, wait. We’re in Rohan and Boromir’s ALIVE?


Mia: This'll be the least of your worries, trust me. I know from first-hand experience.

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Quatre: More Pretentious Words from the Author!


Branar: Told you so.

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Mac: Can we get a really gore death scene for the Sue?
Jareth: And she stays dead?


Sesshoumaru: Do not be ridiculous. Of course you can not.

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Bleeding hell!
Sai: Didn’t we read this already?

I'm sorry, but that just about sums this whole thing up.
Quatre: We did read this already!

Orcs and wargs are scattered around either getting decapitated or decapitating. It's just so ironic, the hillside is so beautiful and yet here we all are.
Erik: Yes, we are. Voldemort has discovered a new breed of torture.


All: :headwall:
Mia: *screams* She did not!
Vanille: *sighs* She did.
Refia: A joke chapter? :huh: What's this world coming to?
Ami: What world? The apocalypse has clearly begun.

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Mac: I’m still not getting the whole “adopted brother” bit.


Ace: Meh, like I said, just go with it. *bored*

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Erik: A self-aware Sue?
Mac: Someone check to see if pigs are flying!


Branar: Hold your rocksteeds. Lesson one you've all got to learn about "Stuck in Middle earth": the Sue is NOT self-aware. She's pretentious, obnoxious, annoying, void of any personality, has no sense of empathy, is rude, bitchy, stinking, crappy, shitty, is ego-centric, goes into stupid mind-rambles way too often then thinks she's having 'deep thoughts', has no coherent form of thoughts whatsoever and in short is incapable of any kind of thoughtful act, let alone be self-aware! :angry:
Ace: Breath, Branar, breath.
Branar: *glares at Ace* <_<
Mia: He summed it up nicely, though.

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Mac: Those are basically the same. Go Egyptian.


Ami: I agree! The Egyptian gods were very interesting.
Refie: *pops in* I agree, too!
Refia: Who are you?
Refie: Just your author.
Refia: Oh.
Refie: *pops out*

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Quatre: Is the Suethor just ranting now?
Mac: I’m not entirely sure.


Sesshoumaru: *irritated* Yes, she is. Again, this Sesshoumaru might add.
Ace: We've seen em all, those rants, aye matey, we have.
Mia: Just stop it Ace, you may be a pirate, but "arr!" talk doesn't suit you.
Ace: Thought I'd try. *shrugs*

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What's missing?
Sai: A personality?
Mac: Sanity?


All: SOMETHING TO GET RID OF THAT BLOODY AWEFUL SUE!

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Mac: There’s only one. Eru.


Ami: It is not as if Shadow01, the 'author', would know who that is.

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Mac: As long as he doesn’t fly up and become Super Aragorn, I’m happy.


Refia: In all honesty, that would be much, much more entertaining than anything in this fic.

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Mac (head in hands): Please tell me we didn’t read that.
*Erik’s left eye twitches*


All: You did read it.
Branar: Congratulations, you have just come to experience first hand what we have to deal with EVERY BLOODY CHAPTER OF THIS SHITPILE.
Ace: Oi, oi, Branar, watch your language.
Mia: He's loosing his cool, isn't he?

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Erik: How much longer till we can convince them you are evil and deserve to die?


Ace: *yawns* Try forever.

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Mac: Yeah, though Rohan had its own king…


Refia: Don't expect Shadow01 to be aware of that. Her knowledge of canon, or of Lord of the Rings for that matter, stops at the character's names and Legolas' hotness. Everything after that is copied from the movies. The few 'original' scenes suck mayor balls.

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Mac (Gimli): The Sues still can’t identify me.


Mia: Point Mac.

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Quatre: Is this a crack!fic?


Ami: *face burried in her hands* Hard to believe, but no.

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Mac: Can we upgrade the writing level from elementary school?


Refia: Let's see... This is chapter 16, and in chapter 46, which she wrote YEARS later - I'm not kidding, that's actually true - it's still just as bad. So, short answer: no, we can't.

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All: What. The. Hell?


All: *offer desks* Headdesk with us?

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*All are now reading different sections of the New York Times*


Mia: Hey, there's an original idea to pass time. Thanks for the suggestion, guys!
Mastermind: There will be no newspaper-reading during sporking sessions.
Ace: Bitch.
Mastermind: Well I'm sorry, but it stands in my "evil overlord contract": thou shall not let your sporkers read newspapers.

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Mac: Hey, Suethor, you ever going to explain why Boromir acted like a jerk to her during the battle but is now all worried?


Branar: If I'd say there's a big chance the answer to your question will be "no", would you believe me?

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-boing! Boing! Let's, go kill Barney!-
All: WHAT?
*Mackenzie bursts out laughing and falls on the floor. Quatre joins her*


Vanille: Yes, it's funny the first few times, but when you have to deal with paragraph after paragraph, chapter after chapter with nonsense such as this, you really will start to cry and wish to go kill yourself.
Mia: It's that Mastermind removed all sharp objects from the theatre, you see...

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Sai (Eowyn): You know, WORK.


Refia: I think you just killed the Sue. Party!

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Remus: Joe Jonas, I hope Mackenzie remains laughing…
*Mackenzie pops up*
Mac: Sue say what?
Remus: Oh no.


All: *scratch their chins* Hmm, this'll be interesting...
Mia: They got their first taste of Sam the Terrible's astrocious level of bitchiness, how will they react?

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Mac: Is the Sue…No, she’s not that stupid. Right? Right? *Notices the men have grabbed Quatre, put on their helmets and have moved three rows back* Oh crap…


Vanille: Don't hold it, girl, just let it all out. We're the reason Mastermind had to double the sound-proof isolation of the theatre, so go ahead, vent out your anger, this theatre can take it! :evil: *rubs her hands in glee*

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Mac: You BITCH! You try living through HALF of what she’s had to deal with and see what you do! It’s not all about Aragorn. Yes, she’s sad. BUT…Her father died when she was just a girl, her mother not much after. She watched her uncle, the man who took her and her brother in after they were orphaned, slowly become corrupted by Saruman. Her cousin, who was a brother to her, died. And her brother, since I assume you’re following the movie, was exiled! So, leave Britney alone! I mean, Eowyn! Sorry.


Refie: *pops in* This drove Jules up the wall, too, you know, Mac. Fic's full of shit like this, too. *pops out*
All: *applaud* Beautiful! Excellent! Wonderful! Best vent of anger we've seen in ages! :D
Vanille: Can I have your autograph?

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Mac: Do you think I would let you live? Screw the PPC. I will hop into the continuum and kill you myself!
Remus: Don’t make me call Dr. Stone.


All: *grab Remus* Now don't you be a spoilsport.

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OoO
Quatre: The Sue’s face when Mackenzie gets to her.


Ace: Point Quatre.

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Sai: Poor baby. Someone call the wambulance.


Ami: Let's not and say that we did? We have had to call it so much already that its sirens will drive me crazy if I hear them one more time.

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*All just facepalm*


All: *pat Mac's team encouragingly on the back* There, there, you're almost done. We have to do the other 30 chapters.

Quote:
 
Mac (Sue): Because I am, like, the most important person in this universe. Got that?


Branar: I think Eru would like a word with you about that, Sue.

Quote:
 
Mac: Can we leave now?
*They hear the theater unlock.*
Remus: Hot chocolate?
*They leave*


All: Good sporking!
Mia: Let's give these brave souls an applause. They deserve it, after surviving this.
All: :clapping:



But in all honesty, yes, great work, Mac. :) Hope you kind of see why I hate this fic so much now.
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
[/align]
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MackenzieW
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Resident Time Lady
Quote:
 
Refia: A joke chapter?  What's this world coming to?


It was "teaser." But when she wrote the real chapter, the idiot didn't replace the teaser with it. Like most people would.

Quote:
 
All: SOMETHING TO GET RID OF THAT BLOODY AWEFUL SUE!


I think some people need Dr. Stone's number...

Quote:
 
Vanille: Yes, it's funny the first few times, but when you have to deal with paragraph after paragraph, chapter after chapter with nonsense such as this, you really will start to cry and wish to go kill yourself.


I'm sure. You're only preaching to the choir. We did sit through 39 mind-numbing chapters of "Two Hearts, One Soul."

Quote:
 
Vanille: Can I have your autograph?


Mac: Um...Sure? :blink:


Thank you for the applause. And honestly, while she did bring out a rant, that was fun to MST. I tend to go for stories where, if they would put in a little more effort and ditch the Sue, the author would be a very good writer. This one has no hope, which makes it easier to mock!
You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot

"Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical)

"Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney

"I wake in the loneliness of sunrise
When the deep purple heaven turns blue
And start to pray
As I pray each day
That I’ll hear some word from you

I lie in the loneliness of evening
Looking out on a silver-flaked sea
And ask the moon
Oh how soon, how soon
Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella


"Thank you, Lord
You have brought us
Safe to shore
Be our strength and protection ever more.
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder


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A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies!

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Refia
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MackenzieW,Oct 22 2010
10:39 PM
Thank you for the applause. And honestly, while she did bring out a rant, that was fun to MST. I tend to go for stories where, if they would put in a little more effort and ditch the Sue, the author would be a very good writer. This one has no hope, which makes it easier to mock!

It would be easier to mock if the suethor wasn't such an asshole who makes fun of people giving her not flames, but constructive criticism! 46 chapters of this shit is just too much. :headwall:
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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jules14
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(Wo)man on a Mission
Great job, Mac. You covered the chapter that I hate the most. And I'm surprised at how calm you were about Eowyn; I would have had an attack of apoplexy.

Quote:
 
Sai: Sue in pain!
*Erik stops scratching*
Erik: Where?


Don't get your hopes up, Erik. It won't last long.

Quote:
 
Sai: Oh. Then you’ll want Voldemort to help you with that.


I bet Voldemort would be happy to help!

Quote:
 
Quote:
 
"I told you to go with the women and children!" he bellowed angrily,
Quatre: Why aren’t you on the lifeboats with them!


"And don't give me any of that 'You jump, I jump' crap!"

Quote:
 
Erik: A self-aware Sue?
Mac: Someone check to see if pigs are flying!


Sadly, she doesn't stay self-aware for long.

Quote:
 
Just because I'm the only person with frontal lumps


Oh, thanks, Suethor, now I've got "My Humps" stuck in my head.

Quote:
 
I felt tears well up in my eyes as I saw Legolas' face. I've never seen anyone look so forlorn and lost in my entire life.


Yep. He just realized he was being paired with the Sue in this fic.

Quote:
 
Mac (head in hands): Please tell me we didn’t read that.
*Erik’s left eye twitches*


*twitching* At least the Sue didn't start singing it.

Quote:
 
God hates me, that's all there is to it.


Yes, He does. At least you haven't managed to warp Him out of character.

Quote:
 
Gimli may not be prone to blatant displays of affection, hell, most of the time he just grunts,


JULES (losing control): STOP INSULTING GIMLI! HE'S ONE OF THE BEST CHARACTERS IN THE BOOKS, YOU SHALLOW LITTLE TWIT!

Quote:
 
Mac: Can we upgrade the writing level from elementary school?


I'd downgrade it to preschool if I were you. Seriously; "See Spot Run" has more sophisticated prose.

Quote:
 
Mac: You BITCH! You try living through HALF of what she’s had to deal with and see what you do! It’s not all about Aragorn. Yes, she’s sad. BUT…Her father died when she was just a girl, her mother not much after. She watched her uncle, the man who took her and her brother in after they were orphaned, slowly become corrupted by Saruman. Her cousin, who was a brother to her, died. And her brother, since I assume you’re following the movie, was exiled! So, leave Britney alone! I mean, Eowyn! Sorry.


Exactly what I would have said, except with less Caps Lock abuse, exclamation point abuse, cursing, death threats to the Sue, and rage.

Thanks a lot, Mac. Is my turn next?
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Refia
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Yes, Jules, you can take the next chapter if you want. :)
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
[/align]
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MackenzieW
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Quote:
 
46 chapters of this shit is just too much.


Yeah, we have to second that.

Quote:
 
I bet Voldemort would be happy to help!


Voldemort: Absolutely! *Breaks out book* Let's start with number 21.

Quote:
 
Oh, thanks, Suethor, now I've got "My Humps" stuck in my head.


Oh, now I do too. :headwall:

Quote:
 
Exactly what I would have said, except with less Caps Lock abuse, exclamation point abuse, cursing, death threats to the Sue, and rage.


Thanks, but it's been easier since the rant against how Rora couldn't act like a victim when she thought she heard her daughter scream and DID NOTHING FOR THIRTY MINUTES!

Good luck, Jules, and thanks for the review!
You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot

"Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical)

"Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney

"I wake in the loneliness of sunrise
When the deep purple heaven turns blue
And start to pray
As I pray each day
That I’ll hear some word from you

I lie in the loneliness of evening
Looking out on a silver-flaked sea
And ask the moon
Oh how soon, how soon
Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella


"Thank you, Lord
You have brought us
Safe to shore
Be our strength and protection ever more.
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder


I'm writing a novel!

A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies!

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Refia
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Paying Tribute to the Past
Quote:
 
*Jules, Boris, Luna, and Morgoth are all sitting in the theater*
SEMIRHAGE: All right. I have another single chapter from a badfic for you to read, possibly the worst Lord of the Rings fanfic of all time.
JULES (horrified): What? Has Angey updated "An Elf's Love" for the fortieth time?
SEMIRHAGE: No. This is "Stuck in Middle-earth," a Suefic started by a thirteen-year-old girl, who continued writing it until she was eighteen. It's forty-six chapters long. It is full of sad attempts at humor. And the Sue is the vilest and rudest to ever be featured in fanfiction.
BORIS (gulp): Really? Even ruder than Rosa?
MORGOTH (shiver): Ruder than Callie?
SEMIRHAGE (evil grin): Yes and yes. Enjoy a heaping helping of pain!
*she laughs and her voice fades out, as the fic starts*


Aah, a wonderful choice of sporkers. :bounce: And Semirhage summed it up pretty simply and to the point.

Quote:
 
*Silence. Dead silence. Dead, horrified silence*
JULES (almost crying): Oh, God. Oh, God. This…this is gonna suck, I just know it. It's gonna suck ass, isn't it?


Yes, Jules, it's going to suck major ass.

Quote:
 
JULES: Um…no. But it might if you explained yourself.


She lacks the brainpower to do that.

Quote:
 
BORIS: Yeah, we already asked that. Now stop beating around the bush and answer us.
MORGOTH: Again, WHAT DOES YOUR FIRST SENTENCE MEAN?
JULES (shaking her head): Barely a paragraph in, and we can't understand it. This does not bode well.


Get used to it guys, the chapter will be pretty much the same as what you've just read: pointless, ass-sucking drivel.

Quote:
 
LUNA: Is her goal to annoy the readers?


I've been wondering about that many times, and have come to the conclusion that: yes, it is, and she succeeds in it without any effort.

Quote:
 
MORGOTH (thoughtfully): I think I have something new with which to torment him after this.


Bad, baaad Morgoth. :P

Quote:
 
BORIS: Hey, just imagine how the people of Arda feel, having to put up with you.
JULES: Seriously; do Sues fall into Arda when Iluvatar is drunk or something?
*Morgoth bursts out laughing*


Good theory there. Morgoth seems to aprove. :P

Quote:
 
*Dead silence*
MORGOTH: You fail miserably at humor, Suethor.


*hands Morgoth a blank paper*

There, a list of things she doesn't fail at.

Quote:
 
*all stare at the screen in shock*
JULES: As happy as I am that someone finally told Orlando!Legolas what he really was…
LUNA: How did she get away with calling him that?!


Simple: nobody in this fic has any common sense or is even 0,00000000000001% in character.

Quote:
 
*Horrified silence*
JULES: Oh, dear God, is this a Legomance? Tell me this isn't a Legomance. Please?
*another paper falls from the ceiling. Morgoth picks it up*
MORGOTH (reading): "Legolas falls in love with the Sue…"
*Jules screams, before collapsing in her seat and sobbing*


*Pats Jules on the back in sympathy* There, there, just one chapter and you're done. I have to put up with the remaining 30.

Quote:
 
JULES: NO, NO, DON'T! KILL the bitch who called you such a degrading, senseless name! Murder her! Slaughter her! Tear her to shreds!


Refie's sporker: YES! DO IT!!! :evil:
Refie: Hush, all of you, go back in my head. <_<

Quote:
 
BORIS (as Sam): Duhhhhhhhhhhhh…uhhhhhhhhhh!


Bravo, Boris, you summed up the Sue's brainpower in one sentence.

Quote:
 
ALL (deadpan): Mooooooooooo.


:rofl:

Quote:
 
JULES: I hate you so much, Sue.
LUNA: Go curl up in a hole and die, Sue.


Girls, you deserve a medal. *hands over a medal for each of em*

Quote:
 
MORGOTH (exasperated): Oh, shut up! We don't need a running commentary on what's happening!


Again, I hate to say it, but: get used to it. She does it all the fucking time, Morgoth.

Quote:
 
BORIS: Okay, you moron, did you even consider the implications of Boromir's survival?! It means Denethor doesn't go mad and Faramir can't be steward! Use your brain, for crying out loud!


You have to actually have a brain to do that, though, Boris.

Quote:
 
MORGOTH (as Boromir): Well, let's see: Helm's Deep is about to be attacked, you're not an experienced fighter, there's an army of bloodthirsty Uruk-hai who will slaughter you without question…actually I changed my mind: stay out here and don't move!


Oh, if only, if only! :cry2:

Quote:
 
JULES (sneer): Don't you mean "cream-puff"?


Ouch, someone's bitter.

Quote:
 
JULES: Oh, Jesus, another bitchfest about so-called women's rights!
MORGOTH: At this moment, I wish I could die.


*gives Morgoth a suicide pistol*

Help yourself.

Quote:
 
LUNA: "I want to be brutally slaughtered for no reason! Why won't you let me get killed?!"
JULES: Seriously: why do all these Sues want to fight and kill? Are they just bloodthirsty psychopaths?


Good questions, to which the Suethors can give no logical answer since they lack the brainpower to even understand your question in the first place. :headwall:

Quote:
 
BORIS (as Sam, wimpy voice): I'll punch their lights out, 'cause I'm so strong, like Sailor Moon!


:angry: Sailor Moon could smite this sue with the polished nail of her little toe! (Even if, granted, she could be annoying at times.)

Quote:
 
BORIS (snarl): Maybe his authority as the STEWARD'S HEIR, YOU SPOILED, DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE C…"
*Jules covers his mouth*
JULES: Sorry. I think we'll be going too far if we use that word, though I appreciate the sentiment.


No, no sensors, go all out, this piece of dung deserves it!

Quote:
 
MORGOTH: And hopefully he gets back in character and gives her a good spanking.
JULES: Say, that's kinky…oh, God, what am I saying?!


Keep your head, Jules.

Quote:
 
JULES: Aw, Sue is actually a good, caring person! She wants to fight for the CHILDREN! She definitely doesn't want to fight just because she wants to show off and steal the show from the other characters! She's a GODDESS…excuse me…*vomits into a barf bag*
BORIS (sickened): Sue, don't even pretend to be unselfish. You're not fooling anyone.


Can we just write a fic "How stuck in middle-earth should have ended?" in which we kill the Sue in every chapter in the most in-canon and brutal of ways? Please? :beg:

Quote:
 
JULES (getting angry): Yeah, because BEING CONCERNED FOR YOUR SAFETY equals chauvinism! Suethor, do you understand feminism AT ALL?!
MORGOTH: Boromir should be happy; she's determined to die!


Jules, no she doesn't. Morgoth, yes he should.

Quote:
 
LUNA: The fact that she has to tell us says loads about her intelligence, doesn't it?


WHAT INTELLIGENCE?!

Quote:
 
JULES: Er…am I missing something here? Why is she such an idiot? Is it supposed to be charming or something? I don't get it.


Don't try to get it either, you'll only get a headache. *rubs head from all the headwalling*

Quote:
 
JULES: Gay-assed bastards. Seriously? The most dangerous beings in Middle-earth, and the best name for them you can think of is gay-assed bastards? *headdesks*
BORIS: Why is she calling them "gay" anyway? Did she read that Aragorn/Sauron lemon?


*Refie's running around in circles screaming his head off and thus can not comment. Pardon us for the inconvenience.*

Quote:
 
JULES (furious): A farce?! Are you fucking serious?! You're calling the war that could determine the fate of Middle-earth a FARCE?! YOU ASSHOLE! Did you just write this fic to insult Tolkien's story?! BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING A BANG-UP JOB OF IT!


I'm sure she did.

Quote:
 
JULES (wimpy voice): Yes, I'll be gosh-darned poo-poo flipping damned if I let those goat-kissing brutes harm them!
LUNA: And I'll protect them by…er…standing on the wall when I can't fight, and allowing myself to be slaughtered. Excellent plan!


:laugh:

Quote:
 
BORIS: No, you're not really crazy. You're a spoiled, obnoxious, evil little turd, but you're not crazy.
JULES: But hey! We'll definitely spread the word about the former!


We'll do it gladly, even! :burnmad:

Quote:
 
JULES & BORIS: OF COURSE!
MORGOTH (as Legolas): I just buried Gimli under a mound of Warg feces. Now we can be together without anyone short and ugly getting in our way!


That was painfully acurate, Morgoth.

Quote:
 
LUNA: That fight I was having with him just two paragraphs earlier? I didn't like it; I really didn't. Really.


Who is she trying to fool here, anyway?

Quote:
 
JULES (clutching her forehead): In AMERICA, Suethor. There is a world outside your high school, you know!
BORIS: I wish these Sues would get transported to Iraq or Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan. Maybe they'd actually learn something.


*Hopefully:* Maybe they'd die! :o

Quote:
 
ALL: No! NO! NO!
JULES: There is no way IN HELL you are better than Boromir!
LUNA: Boromir is worth twelve…no, twelve HUNDRED of you!
MORGOTH: Please; a retarded troll is worth twelve hundred of Sam!


:rofl: Nice ones, guys! :rofl:

Quote:
 
*everyone clutches their foreheads*
BORIS: Morgoth, what was that you were saying about retarded trolls?
MORGOTH: I changed my mind. Comparing retarded trolls to this Sue is an insult to the trolls.


:laugh: It's funny when you say it, but it's so horrible in it's truthfulness!

Quote:
 
Somebody hand me a fluffy banana.

BORIS: WHAT. THE. FUCKING. HELL?!
*Jules and Luna scream in frustration*


:headwall: See? See why I hate this fic so goddamn much?! :headwall:

Quote:
 
MORGOTH (frustrated): SHUT UP! OR AT LEAST START MAKING SENSE, YOU ANNOYING LITTLE TWIT!
JULES: My God, she's more annoying than Curtis the Elf, Hubie the Penguin, and Stanley the Troll combined!


She's worse than ALL SUES IN THE UNIVERSE COMBINED INTO ONE!

Quote:
 
LUNA: You have a brain? I'm surprised.


She's lying, ain't it obvious?

Quote:
 
MORGOTH: Oh, please do so, Legolas. Right now!
JULES (as Legolas): Great; thanks for the idea!


:evil:

Quote:
 
BORIS (throwing the lighter at the screen): Goddamn it! Which one of you tampered with this thing?
LUNA: Is it a bad time to tell you that was Dumbledore's Put-Outer?
BORIS: Why, actually…yes. *starts chasing Luna around the theater*


I lol'd. :rofl:

Quote:
 
JULES: I think Gandalf just blew some smoke rings at this story.
LUNA: Save me, save me! I think he's going to kill me!
MORGOTH: Oh, for…*gets up, grabs Boris, and stuffs him under his seat. Muffled curses ensue*
LUNA (relieved): Thank you.
MORGOTH: No problem.


So funny! :rofl:

Quote:
 
*everyone just stares at the screen*
LUNA: Was that the fic, or was that us?
JULES: The fic…I think?


The fic. :facepalm:

Quote:
 
BORIS (popping out from under the seat): My Sauron! Can it be? Is the Sue actually being…realistic?!


No! Get back under that seat and hide from this shitpile!

Quote:
 
LUNA: Oh, she's talking about herself. Oops.
MORGOTH: Sue, we don't think you're inobservant, we think you're obnoxious. There's a large difference.


Also, Sue, please note that we can actually think. An activity you are not capable of performing, since you lack a fucking BRAIN.

Quote:
 
MORGOTH: Yes, I agree. So why don't you ACT like you're an insignificant speck, instead of trying to get attention, Sue?!


You'd have more success convincing a wall to paint itself.

Quote:
 
MORGOTH: "Like whining, acting rude, throwing tantrums, and…nothing else, really."


Morgoth, that was pure poetry.

Quote:
 
I only wish to ensure your safety,

ALL: WHY?

you are akin to a sister to me now,

ALL: WHY?!

and you know this. I do not wish to lose you."

ALL: WHY NOT?!


*Refie's singing*

Why, Lord, why
Tell me why
Your the only light
Forever lasting
Tell me, father, why


Quote:
 
MORGOTH: Let us see: SAM is calling BOROMIR a stupid buffoon. Something is wrong here.


The space and time continuum, for starters.

Quote:
 
JULES: It's called MEDIEVAL WAR, honey.


Indeed. If you didn't have the brain of a retarded dog turd you'd know that, Sue!

Quote:
 
BORIS: "Except for me. They looked at me like I was a piece of crap they scraped off their boots."


I wish, Boris. I wish it so badly. :cry2:

Quote:
 
BORIS: "Aragorn's having mood swings; this will be 'The Pride of Boromir' all over again."
JULES (terrified): ARRRRRRGH! NOOOOOOOOOO!


I'd rather read that than this pile of vomit! :headwall:

Quote:
 
BORIS: Nah, just Elves. Of course, it would have been useful if we Nazgul had it…maybe we could have caught that pesky little Hobbit before he crossed the Ford of Bruinen…
JULES: You guys would have ruined everything!
BORIS: Hey, it would have been better than what these Sues are doing to Middle-earth.
JULES: Okay, good point.


You know there's something WRONG with this fic when the badguys start convincing you with well-argued points.

Quote:
 
MORGOTH: "And why do I have to have the intelligence of a dead sheep?"


SHE HAS NO INTELLIGENCE AT ALL! :headwall:

Quote:
 
BORIS (patiently): It's fucking ARMOR; what the hell did you fucking expect?


*Deadpan:* Mithril. :mellow:

Quote:
 
BORIS (angry): Okay, STOP TYPING THAT! It's one of the most retarded dividers I've ever seen!


As bad as the & Phantom's Ange used!

Quote:
 
LUNA: "They're going to kill me! I'd better hide behind this dead Warg…oh, no, it's not dead…arrrrrghhhh!"


Muahahahahahahahaaaa!!! :evil: I'm loving it.

Quote:
 
*Dead, horrified silence*
JULES: She's…she's having the Elves come to Helm's Deep? And she's jumping on Haldir and calling him…HAL? She has the BALLS to give Haldir a NICKNAME?! AND JUMP ON HIM?! YOU CANON-RAPING BITCH! YOU OBNOXIOUS LITTLE SLUT! YOU'RE WRECKING EVERYTHING! YOU'RE KILLING TOLKIEN'S VISION! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BITCH! YOU'RE DEAD!
*the others have to wrestle her as she struggles to reach the screen. Boris hits her on the head with an club and knocks her out cold*


WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! LET HER RAGE! THE WORLD MUST KNOW OUR RAGE! WE MUST RAGE AND - !!!

*One of Refie's sporkers hits Refie on the head with a club and knocks him out*

Ace: Why is he getting all worked up? WE are the ones reading this.
Mia: Beats me. I hope you didn't hit too hard.

Quote:
 
ALL: DRASTIC MEASURES!


*Refie wakes up.*

Ooh, my head, what happened?

*sees everyone's reaction*

Oh, I agree, I agree! :bounce: DRASTIC MEASURES! PLEASE! :beg:

Quote:
 
MORGOTH (clutching his forehead): It's "spoilsport".
JULES: Yeah, and…SHE JUMPED ON HALDIR'S BACK, THAT RUDE PIECE OF SHIT! I'LL…
BORIS: Jules, focus!
JULES (breathing deeply): Okay. I'm calm now, sort of.


*Gives Jules a drink*

Here, you look like you need it.

Quote:
 
BORIS: Nope.
LUNA: No.
MORGOTH: Even if it did, your last sentence would have ruined the effect.


Shadow08 sucks at suspence. -_-

Quote:
 
BORIS: Oh, good; you just made me hate you even more, Suethor. I didn't think that was possible.


Shadow08 makes the impossible possible when it comes to rage. :burnmad:

Quote:
 
LUNA (horrified): THAT was SHORT?!
BORIS: Holy shit!
JULES: How long are her normal chapters, fifty pages?!


Don't remind me. :cry2:

Quote:
 
BORIS: Okay, Suethor, there's unfunny humor, and then there's really unfunny humor, and then there's what you just said. You totally suck.


If she'd come to realise this, it would already be a massive improvement, but SHE JUST DOESN'T GET IT AND LAUGHS IN THE FACE OF WHOEVER TRIES TO HELP HER. I WANT TO PRINT THIS FIC AND FORCE HER TO EAT EVERY FUCKING PAGE. :burnmad:

Quote:
 
MORGOTH: And we hate you, Suethor. Have we mentioned it yet?


You can't mention it enough, as far as I'm concerned.

Quote:
 
ALL: YES! YES!
JULES: Sam being shot by an Uruk-hai!
LUNA: Sam falling off the wall to her death!
BORIS: Sam being burned by Gandalf when he shows up!
MORGOTH: Sam having her head cut off by Eowyn!


All of the above. :D

Quote:
 
BORIS: Yep. Hitler and the Spice Girls were also all the rage once.


Yeowch, that was hard.

Quote:
 
MORGOTH (incredulous): Someone LIKED this? Well, at least it's only one person; perhaps the others…
*yet another paper falls from the ceiling. Boris picks it up*
BORIS (reading): "This story has 463 reviews. Only eight of those reviews are negative."
*Morgoth's jaw drops in horror*


This is the point where yo udrop whatever faith in humanity you had left, Morgoth. I did it.

Quote:
 
MORGOTH: This was the worst fic I've ever read! I would never have sent this to you!


If Morgoth says so, it means a lot.

Thanks for doing this chapter, Jules, it was a great read! :D
Now it's my turn again... :( I don't wanna... :cry2:
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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