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Silent Times: the MST; Seriously; why?
Topic Started: Jan 31 2010, 05:01 AM (1,586 Views)
jules14
Member Avatar
(Wo)man on a Mission
Disclaimer: Morgoth, Uruk-hai, Nazgul, Boromir, Gimli, and everything else that has anything to do with Tolkien’s world belongs to the Tolkien Estates, and some belongs to New Line Cinema. Tumnus the faun and Narnia belong to C.S. Lewis and to the Disney Company. Boris the Nazgul belongs to Araiona Dubois. Chesterfield and Jules belong to me. Luna Lovegood belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, and Semirhage and the Wheel of Time series belong to the late Robert Jordan. MST3K belongs to Best Brains Inc. The story belongs to Kaiyoz and was taken from fanfiction.net.


THEME SONG:

In the not-too-distant future
Somewhere in time and space,
Young Jules14 and all her pals
Are caught in a nasty place.
They'll try to escape from Semirhage,
An evil gal who'd love to do them wrong.
From the depths of the Void she simply couldn't wait
To torture all her captives on the Satellite of Hate.


JULES: GET...US...DOWWWWWWWN!

I’ll send them awful fanfics (ooh ooh!)
The worst I can find! (la la la!)
They’ll have to sit and read them all
And I’ll monitor their mind (la la la!)
Remember Jules still can’t control
When the fanfics begin or end (la la la!)
She’ll have to keep her sanity
With the help of all her friends!


DAILY ROLL CALL!

GIMLI! (KHAZAD AI MENU!)
MORGOTH! (BLOODY IRONY!)
LUNA! (I MISS NEVILLE!)
BOROMIR! (DIE, POD!ARAGORN!)
BORIS! (I'M THE NEW STAR!)
CHESTERFIELD! (MY NAME SUCKS!)
TUMNUS! (I'M TOUGHER!)
ARAVIS! (WHO SENT ME?!)
JUUUUUUUUUUUULES! (I'M NOT READY!)

If you wonder why I'm not bored with this,
And other useless facts (la la la!)
Just repeat to yourself it’s all a joke
You should really just relax–


For Mystery Fanfic Theater 4000!


"You mean it? There's really no more of 'Ten'?" Jules asked. "Seems like the story stopped pretty abruptly, doesn't it?"

Semirhage looked embarrassed. "Well...it was originally fifteen chapters long...but...well...Colonel UnderRoo took it off the internet before I could send the rest of it."

Jules, Boris, Chesterfield, and Boromir stared at each other in surprise. Tumnus said, "Really?"

Semirhage nodded, glaring at her victims as though daring them to laugh. Nobody did out loud, but many of them were biting their lips to hold their hilarity in. Morgoth, the bravest, said, shaking his head, "Semirhage, I must say: you're terrible at this."

Semirhage replied coldly, "Need I remind you that *I* am torturing you right now, Morgoth?"

"That was because Iluvatar sent me up here!" Morgoth insisted. If it weren't for him..."

"Oh, shut up, both of you!" Gimli snapped. "You ought to be grateful you're actually finished with 'Ten'. Judging by how much you complained about it..."

Tumnus nodded. "Let's just get our next fanfic over with it. What is it today?"

Now Semirhage was trying to keep from laughing. "Well, your fanfic today is a bit of a treat for you. Mind you, I haven't read the whole thing, but I know the premise, and I can tell you it nearly broke MY brain. It's called "Silent Times," by Kaiyoz, and it's a special—in every sense of the word—AU about Legolas's childhood." She burst out laughing and shoved the fic into the materializer.

Boris sighed. "Okay, how do we choose readers for the fic this time? Besides me, of course."

Jules shrugged. "Draw names out of a hat?"

Nobody had any objections, so Jules scribbled down everyone's names on strips of paper and dropped them into Gimli's helmet. The prisoners waited with bated breath, as Boromir drew three names out of the helmet and read them out loud: "Jules, Aravis, Chesterfield."

Boromir, Gimli, Luna, Tumnus, and Morgoth cheered, even as the lights started flashing. Jules muttered, "We've got friggin' fanfic sign" as she stomped into the theater, followed by her grumbling companions.


The Sound of Silence

BORIS: Hey, the author stole that title from a John Cage piece!
CHESTERFIELD: She changed it, though, so unfortunately, we can't email him and ask him to sue her.


Author: Kaiyoz

JULES (singing): Yippee kai, Kaiyoz, git along, little dogies...

WARNINGS: This is in NO WAY canon. I follow no timelines.

ARAVIS: Oh, what a promising beginning. Now I know this is going to be good.

Disclaimers: I don't even own a car nor have I graduated highschool.

JULES (yawn): Well, that's cool and all, but what does it have to do with Lord of the Rings?
BORIS: I'll tell ya, Kaiyoz: as long as you write high school as "highschool," you're never gonna graduate.


How could I own anything Tolkien writes? It's all his, just with my twisted mind.

ARAVIS (groan): This is getting better and better.
CHESTEFIELD: Meh, as long as it's not "Celebrian," I'm okay.


Background: No Sauron (he's dead).

JULES: Oh, a post-War-of-the-Ring fic. Neat.
BORIS: Is it too much to hope for that Kaiyoz will include Gimli in this story?


My Characters:

CHESTERFIELD: What?
JULES: Oh, come on.
ARAVIS: Why doesn't she introduce them in the story?


Nataget: Eldest son of Thranduil,

BORIS: Wait, what...who?!
CHESTERFIELD (excitedly): Nataget?! I love nataget! I want some now!
BORIS: Uh...you sure you're not thinking of nougat?
CHESTERFIELD: Damn.


responsible, caring Seara: daughter, lives in Lorien, is prissy,

ARAVIS: Ask us if we care.
JULES: Wait, how can she be caring and prissy at the same time?


Glycil: 1 child, not political/warrior,

BORIS: What the hell does this stuff even mean?
ARAVIS: Who knows? Let's just read through it; it's too confusing to understand.


Linthuin: troublemaker, good warrior,

JULES (sigh): Well, Boris, it looks like you're out of luck. We're halfway through a list of OCs with weird names and there's no sign of Gimli.
BORIS: Uh...why does she need to include four of them?


Caleviel: Linthuin's sidekick, trouble, good warrior,

BORIS: Oh, five of them; my bad.
CHESTERFIELD (confused): Are all these characters Sues?
ARAVIS: If they are, Kaiyoz is spending an unusually short time describing them.


Nealaen: healer, motherly, old (other character's come in when needed)
Queen Leana

JULES (excitedly): Well, what do you know: here's one of those other characters now!
OTHERS: Yay!


looked across lovingly at her newest baby boy, as her eyes slowly slipped closed from exhaustion.

BORIS: Tonight the role of Miriel Serinde will be played by Queen Leana, whoever that is.

At just four and half pounds the infant was very tiny,

*Pause*
CHESTERFIELD: Uh...can babies even survive if they're only four and a half pounds?
ARAVIS: Are we sure this is a baby boy and not a baby monkey?


able to lay easily in his father's large hands.

ARAVIS: See?
BORIS: Maybe the kid's a Borrower, or his father's a giant.
CHESTERFIELD: Man, who knew Legolas was such a runt when he was born?


The emerald eyed child

JULES: Emerald eyes...bad sign.
BORIS: Why don't Suethors ever use the word "green"?


stared around at the new world he had been introduced to 4 weeks too early.

JULES: Four weeks, and he only weighs four pounds? Look, I know early babies are puny, but they're not THAT puny.
ARAVIS: Why do I have the feeling that Kaiyoz knows nothing of childbirth?


The princeling missed the sobs of his father

BORIS: "Man, Dad crying was so much fun...too bad I'll never be able to hear it again."

as the mother he would never know passed into Mandos' Halls.

CHESTERFIELD: And promptly joined Miriel's Women-Who-Died-Giving-Birth-to-a-Psychotic-Kid Club.

The kings five other children, fully grown now, looked down at the newest addition to their family.

ARAVIS: "Oh, no, another mouth to feed."
BORIS: "Hey, do you realize what this means? Mom and Dad are STILL having sex even after WE'VE had children! Yuck!"


He was the only blonde haired one, all the other children falling towards Thranduil's more dark, robust figure.

JULES (annoyed): Read "The Hobbit," Kaiyoz; it actually SAYS that Thranduil had golden hair!
ARAVIS: Don't you hate it when Suethors don't even try?


He was beautiful replica of their lost mother with bright eyes and ivory skin.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, don't even start, Kaiyoz!
BORIS (as Kaiyoz): Lyke Leggyz sooooo beeyootiful!!1 w/ hiz porselin ivery skinn and percing eyes!!11!!! I gotz 2 matabate rite now!!!1111!!!!1!


Thranduil handed the silent baby to a healer nearby, so they could check him over,

JULES: Wait, that's it? They don't even bother to cut the umbilical cord or wash him? Man...
BORIS: For our sakes, I hope Mirkwood is like ancient Sparta in this fic, and they leave the pod-baby to die on a hillside.


leaving him to grieve for his wife, the children sat gathered together hugging each other.

CHESTERFIELD (Child #1): TIME OUT! HUDDLE!
JULES (Child #2): Okay, we go eight yards, down and out, tackle the healer, and snatch the little monster away from him. And...break!


After the lady was taken away for burial, the healer moved back into the room.

BORIS: Wow, this is intense.
ARAVIS: Yes: Thranduil cried, the baby didn't cry, and the healer walked back into the room. What next?


Handing the quite baby to his eldest brother.

JULES: ARGH! UNFINISHED CLAUSE!
CHESTERFIELD: ARGH! QUIET/QUITE MIX-UP!


Is he all right? Nataget questioned pensively.

ARAVIS: What?! Where are the quotation marks?!
JULES (groan): Oh, no way...
BORIS: This is gonna be the most painful reading experience ever.


The family had been worried about how the baby would react to it's traumatic birth.

CHESTERFIELD: They were hoping he wouldn't write a book about it and sell the rights to the Hallmark Channel; they might have to kill themselves out of shame.

Yes, we believe so. He might have some fluid in his ears that are blocking his hearing but it should clear after a few days.

BORIS: "It looks like he was born with his head full of diet Pepsi, your Majesty."
JULES: Fluid? What is this, "ER"?


But we will need to keep an eye on him, he's almost too tiny,

ARAVIS: ALMOST too tiny?

but he feels very healthy, the healer responded,

JULES: "Just take my word for it."

adding another blanket around the royal family's newest addition.

BORIS (deadpan): To the one hundred blankets that were there already.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, please smother him...please!


Thranduil had to hand it to his son.

JULES: Okay, Thranduil, but seeing as how he's just been born, that might not be such a good idea.

Even with his own grief he still had to protect and care for his new baby brother.

ARAVIS: What?
CHESTERFIELD: So...I guess...Thranduil's talking about his other son?
JULES (sigh): Kaiyoz, when you're talking about two or more males, you can't just keep using pronouns! It confuses people!


Out of all his children Nataget was the most responsible.

BORIS (sigh): Oh, boy...exposition dump, straight ahead...
JULES: Isn't Nataget an Indian tribe?


He would protect his new brother with his life.

ARAVIS: Er...why is that so special?
JULES: 'Cause there are so many abusive relatives in badfics, someone actually having normal family feelings is a really rare event.


He was married but holding off having children until he had the time to spend with them.

BORIS: And so he could get out of Mirkwood first, as all the babies born there were the size of Barbie dolls. Probably it was something in the water.

Seara was his second,

ALL: ARGH! HORRIBLE NON-ELVISH NAME!

and had moved away with her husband to Lothlorien, several years ago,

CHESTERFIELD: Sheesh, is there a monorail from Mirkwood to Lothlorien or something? Why do so many Elves travel back and forth between them in these badfics?
ARAVIS: More to the point: if traveling between Lothlorien and Mirkwood is that easy, why don't the Mirkwood Elves just move to Lothlorien to get away from Dol Guldur?


she had two children but could only visit for a few weeks before having to leave again.

*Pause*
BORIS: Uh...is there some connection between that statement and her children?
JULES: Probably not.


She was definetly a domestic elf and was probably the most feminine elf ever.

JULES: Really? Even more feminine than the male Elves in the movies? I find that hard to believe.

Glycil, was married with a three-year old daughter,

JULES: He was also found in the cytoplasm of plant cells.

he was the most sedate of all his children not interested in politics, only architecture.

ARAVIS: Then...Thranduil has more than one child interested in politics...I daresay?
BORIS: So does being sedate automatically mean you're NOT interested in politics?


Linthuin was the rambunctious one,

JULES: So he was the one interested in politics, then?
CHESTERFIELD: Yep.


if there was a problem, he was certain to have aided it somewhere along the way.

BORIS (groan): Oh, crap...I bet prankster!Elladan-and-Elrohir are his best friends!
OTHERS: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Thranduil thanked the Valar he had no children, Mirkwood may not survive.

JULES (frustrated): But...Thranduil DOES have children! Kaiyoz has been LISTING them for the past two paragraphs!

If Linthuin was trouble, Caleviel was his sidekick.

ARAVIS: They were naturally close, as they were the only two royal children with normal Elvish names.

Always right there to distract the victim or run interference.

CHESTERFIELD: Huh?
BORIS: Are these pranks or elaborately-planned killing sprees?


She was currently a member of the border patrol and was fast moving up in the ranks.

JULES (announcer): Read about her twu wuv with Haldir in Kaiyoz's next fanfic!

Thranduil moved from the healing chambers back to his own room,

ARAVIS (excitedly): More thrilling room-moving action!
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, and this time, THRANDUIL did it! The plot is thickening!


looking through tearstained eyes at his wife's things throughout the room,

BORIS (as Thranduil): *Sniff*...you were such a beautiful slob...*sniffle*...the way you'd clutter up our room and I'd trip over your dead squirrel collection...*sob*...good-bye, my darling, goodbye.

he began to sob again at the reason she had died.

ARAVIS (as Thranduil): Alas, the mere sight of her Sueish babe killed her!

It's all my fault, he thought.

*Jules and Boris make siren noises*
CHESTERFIELD: Clear the streets! The Wambulance has arrived!


His wife had a strong affinity for animals,

ALL: AAAAAAAHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOO!

always with a pet of some sort, she could talk to animals, of that there was no doubt.

ARAVIS: Of course, the animals never talked back, but that didn't matter to her.

With a simple look, her dogs would bring her something or a bird would fly down.

BORIS (whistle): Dude, that is some impressive animal training right there.
CHESTERFIELD: She should've joined a circus.


There had been a new group of horses brought in and she had wanted to see them, Thranduil of course appeased his eight-month pregnant wife and had escorted her down.

*Silence*
JULES: Eight months pregnant and she wanted to visit a herd of unbroken horses? Holy shit.
BORIS: If she's that dumb, I'm surprised she didn't die sooner.
ARAVIS: The question is why Thranduil went along with her request.


Several of the hostlers had an unruly horse tethered about the neck trying to keep it from flying off it's hinges.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, it's actually a broken rocking horse; there's nothing to worry about.

The queen, being who she was, had moved closer trying to make eye contact with the animal.

JULES: Um...you're not supposed to make eye contact with wild animals, Kaiyoz, unless you want them to attack you.

Two hostlers slipped on the mud losing their grip on the animal, the third handler, unable to control the animal, was dragged helplessly towards where it charged the fence.

BORIS: WAH WAH WAH!
CHESTERFIELD (laughing): Wow, the Mirkwood hostlers are the Three Stooges.


The King had been to slow to recognize the threat to her,

JULES (exaggerated patience): The horse was CHARGING THE FENCE and had KNOCKED DOWN THE HOSTLERS. How much more obvious could the threat be?!

watching her stubbornly try to soothe the horse as it charged on her.

*Jules stares in shock*
CHESTERFIELD: So Thranduil's wife has Deer-in-a-Car's-Headlights Syndrome?
BORIS: Well, maybe she panicked...oh, I give up...RUN, you airheaded dumbass! GET OUT OF THE WAY!


He and several other guards dashed to block the horse but the damage had been done.

CHESTERFIELD (sadly): Thranduil could no longer ignore the fact that his wife was an idiot.

The stallion had tried to clear the fence, kicking her hard with it's front hooves

JULES (cringe): Argh...misplaced apostrophes...

sending her to the ground, as it attempted to flee.

ARAVIS (as the horse): AAAAAH! I don't want to be in a badfic! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Pulling it's back legs over the fence the horse collapsed down,

BORIS (as the horse): Ouch! Oh, man, I'm so out of shape...

knocking the she-elf with several strong butts of it's head.

CHESTERFIELD: I'd think the horse would trample on her or kick her...usually horses only butt you when they want to be fed.

Thranduil grabbed his wife to pull her away from the flailing horse only to incite a cry of pain.

ARAVIS (laughing): From the horse?
JULES: That's sure what it sounds like.


The healer's had moved quickly to retrieve the baby

BORIS: Wait...I thought she was still pregnant!
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, brother, don't tell me she gave birth right there under the horse.
JULES: It IS pretty gross, if that's what Kaiyoz was going for.


but the queen's rib cage was crushed, sending several shards of bone into her heart and lungs.

BORIS: Yes, 'cause medieval healers would definitely know about the heart and lungs.
JULES: Of course.


They had tried but failed. Thranduil felt he should never have taken her down there,

ARAVIS (rolling her eyes): Oh, well done, Captain Obvious.
JULES: Wait, I just remembered. The gestation period for Elves lasts a year, and Leana was eight months pregnant. So...she gave birth to Legolas when he was four MONTHS early, not four weeks!
BORIS: Holy shit!


he should have stood up to her.

CHESTERFIELD: Well, she should share half the blame; she was the one who WANTED to visit the unbroken horses WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT!

With those thoughts in mind he sobbed into a pillow that still smelled of his Leana

BORIS: Er...we're getting into a whole weird area here...
JULES: Leana? Good God, Kaiyoz, think of some better names! I know you're not bothering to use an Elvish name generator, but any modern woman could be named Leana!


before nodding of to sleep.

ARAVIS: So fanon!Legolas got his stupidity from his mother?
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, don't forget his father's role in the tragedy.
JULES: Nah, I think fanon!Legolas got his general stupidity from his mother and his tendency to state the obvious from his father.
BORIS (frowning): Looks like he also got his crybaby tendencies from his father.


The next morning was a quite one.

ALL (sigh): Yes, quite.

No elves running to and fro,

BORIS: Sadly, the Mirkwood Track and Field Competition had ended the day before.

none of Linthuin's plots going awry, and not his wife humming as she got dressed.

JULES (as Thranduil's wife, stupidly): Um...uh...row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...um...er...what are the rest of the words? I forget.

Absolute silence. Thranduil went back to the same thoughts as before blaming himself for his wife's death.

BORIS: Oh, Thranduil, get over it: it's been six hours, and she was so dumb she had it coming to her.
CHESTERFIELD: Hear, hear!
JULES (scowl): Look, you two: there's a big difference between being sarcastic and being unnecessarily cruel.


Adar? Nataget questioned from the door way.

ARAVIS: "I've lost two sets of quotation marks: have you seen them?"

At the King's nod he entered the room and sat on the bed.

CHESTERFIELD (startled): Whoa, there, Kaiyoz!
BORIS (singing): Let's get it on...


I know what you are thinking.

JULES: "And it's disgusting. Get your mind out of the gutter!"

And it isn't your fault.

BORIS (Geraldine): "The devil...uh, I mean, Morgoth...made you do it."

He sighed heavily at having to talk about her so soon, but he refused to let his father fade.

CHESTERFIELD (as Nataget): Well, there's no easy way to put this, but here goes: Mom was dumber than a bag of hammers.

You know Nana, if you had said no'. She would have gone anyway

JULES: What the...hey!
BORIS: Hey, where's the last half of the first sentence?!
ARAVIS: After the period.


and we might be burying two instead of one today.

JULES: What, Thranduil? After he found out what was happening and ran to rescue her?

One that hasn't even seen the world.

JULES: Oh, the baby, of course. Silly me.
BORIS: Actually, compared to getting stuck in this fic, death would be a kindness.


With that he pushed the baby gently into his father's limp hands.

CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): Wangst, wangst, wangst...AAAAAH! I DROPPED HIM!

Remaining close in case he dropped him.

JULES (getting angry): That is an unfinished clause; it should not stand alone...oh, forget it. If Kaiyoz can't even use quotation marks, she's not gonna know about sentence fragments.

Thranduil sighed, looking down at his blonde boy.

BORIS: Congratulations, Thranduil: you are now the father of Middle-earth's first transsexual baby!

I know but it feels better to be able to place the blame and give reason to a senseless act.

ARAVIS: Oh, very mature, Thranduil.
CHESTERFIELD: Well, at least this isn't abusive!Thranduil, and he's not trying to drown his son.


Thranduil moved out of the room and down the hall towards the kitchen.

JULES (as Thranduil): Well, I'm off to stress-eat and chub up. Anyone want some onion rings with chocolate syrup?

Like with his father's death he promised to take it one day at a time.

JULES: Oh, man, if that isn't a song cue, I don't know what is...
CHESTERFIELD (covering her mouth): It's not. Don't start.


Two Weeks Later...

*Boris and Jules hum twinkly dream sequence music*

The family had grown increasingly worried about the newest baby.

ARAVIS: His first words were, "A diversion!"

He responded to very little and only cried when absolutely necessary.

JULES: Oh, come on: don't look a gift horse in the mouth! Maybe he's just being considerate!
CHESTERFIELD: Ha, ha, a gift HORSE! Good one, Jules!


For the first week they had thought it due to the depressing environment.

BORIS (confused): The Mirkwood Elves practice feng shui?
JULES: Look, I'm pretty sure even in the nineteenth century, nobody knew about emotional responses to surroundings, and I'm damn sure they didn't know about it in medieval times.


But the child rarely responded to anything

CHESTERFIELD (Monty Python): "That was because, sadly, he was dead, and no one had the heart to tell Thranduil, because he was so sweet and innocent and knew nothing of death or gastroenteritis, or even plastic hip joints."

and after another couple of healer's shrugging their shoulders, Thranduil sent a message to Elrond hoping to get a third opinion from him or another healer.

JULES (groan): Oh, brother...*slams her head on the back of her seat*
CHESTERFIELD: Seriously, you morons: Elrond had to stay in Rivendell because he needed to protect it with Vilya!
BORIS: Even if he somehow had to travel, why the hell would he care about Thranduil or Legolas?!


Week Later...

BORIS (detergent commercial): The stains are all gone!

The king opened a letter a messenger had dropped off with Elrond's seal across the front.

ARAVIS: Elrond had a seal?
JULES: Sure; it was a grouchy face with furry eyebrows.


Now he might began to understand the silent little bundle that was his child.

CHESTERFIELD: You know, I'm not too familiar with family care, but wouldn't he just hand the kid over to a wet nurse?

The Mirkwood king was disappointed that there was no real information

BORIS: Well, what were you expecting? An Elvish medical book?

but it did say that Elrond was due to arrive any day now and shed some light.

ARAVIS (laughing): Goodness, I never knew Elrond was so powerful!
JULES: So he's seen the light of the Two Trees. Who knew?
CHESTERFIELD: Well, maybe he just likes to play with a flashlight.


Thranduil dropped the parchment on the desk and moved towards the bassinet on the far side of the room.

BORIS: Aw, it's bath time for our darling widdle Thwanduil!
JULES (Shirley the Loon): I go, like, nappy-poo now!


The child had been dubbed Legolas because of the bright green in his eyes.

CHESTERFIELD: So how'd he get the "leaf" part of his name? Does his hair look like leaves or something?

He smiled down at the baby who blinked blearily back at him.

BORIS (as baby Legolas): Yeah, don't even try anything, you dim has-been.

Thranduil's eyes grew wide when those bright green eyes rolled back in his head and the infant began to spit up.

JULES: Um...infants always spit up, Thranduil; it's normal. You should know, since you've had five kids already.
ARAVIS: Suddenly, Thranduil began to doubt his "no wet-nurses" policy.


The Mirkwood King grabbed up the child and raced to Nealaen,

CHESTERFIELD: Wait, who's Nealaen?

the healer whom had been working on Legolas.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh.
JULES (unearthly shriek): AAAAAAHHH! Kaiyoz uses "whom" the way Phantom's Ange does! AAAAHHHHH!


He laid the child down on the padded table

BORIS: They had padded tables in ancient Arda?

and watched horror stricken as his new baby twitched and tears flowed down his pallored face.

ARAVIS: You mean his PALE face?
JULES (clutching her forehead): Suethors, stop trying to be fancy! You ALWAYS end up using stupid, made-up words!


Several healers burst into the room at Nealaen's call

CHESTERFIELD (healers): Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Oh...is this a bad time for Monty Python quotes?

and set to holding the child so e wouldn't hurt himself.

BORIS: Uh...isn't that actually the WORST thing you could do? Since you could injure him, or he could injure you?
JULES: Honestly, the whole concept of Legolas having seizures is retarded. I'm not even going to think about it.


When the healer's did nothing else to resolve the issue, the Mirkwood King began to rant, only to be shushed by Nealean.

CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): ARRRRRRGGGHHHH! LEGOLAS WAS NEVER LIKE THIS! WHAT'S HAPPENED TO MY SON?! WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?!
ARAVIS (as Nealean): Shhhh...just remain calm; the PPC will be here soon.


He is having a fit or seizure.

BORIS (impressed): Remarkably accurate diagnosis for a medieval society.
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, at least he's not using modern medical terms.


We can do nothing but let him ride it out.

ARAVIS: Here's an idea: how about you LET GO OF HIM BEFORE YOU CHOKE HIM?

Afterwards we may be able to gleam the problem

ALL: Er...what?

but it will be best that we do not stress him out anymore,

JULES: Stress? STRESS?! Jesus Christ, you could have used ANY word but that! "Trouble," "vex," "hurt," "bother"...anything but friggin' STRESS!

she moved back towards where the other healers were holding the infant gently.

CHESTERFIELD: Holy crap, be careful you don't tear him apart! He's the size of a Barbie doll; you don't all need to hold him!

Nataget burst into the room, just moments after Legolas finished twitching and spitting up his lunch.

BORIS (as Nataget, little kid): Ew, gross! He puked! Yuck!

Is he okay?

*Jules starts shaking with rage*
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, man, she's gonna have a conniption fit...incoming!
*Jules slowly calms down. The others look relieved*


The infant burst into a fit of crying as the elvish healers began to poke and examine him.

ARAVIS: Why am I not surprised?

Nealaen snatched the baby from the exuberant healers and passed him to his brother.

*Silence*
BORIS: Um...are we missing something here? Why on earth are they exuberant?
JULES: Did Kaiyoz mean they were relieved?


The baby stopped crying as he felt his brother's arms and the vibrations of is chest as he talked.

ARAVIS: Really, why are the king and his son taking care of the baby? They would hire a wet nurse, a nanny, servants...they wouldn't soil their hands by caring for him themselves!
BORIS: Yeah. I know Elves don't really have servants, but this is still going too far.


Legolas again fell asleep the sun out on the balcony warmed his body.

*Dead silence*
CHESTERFIELD: Balcony? Sun? I thought they were in Mirkwood!
JULES: Well, Kaiyoz said that Sauron was dead, so I guess Mirkwood is now Eryn Lasgalen...but Legolas was just born...GAAHHHHHHHH!! NOTHING MAKES SENSE!!!


Nealaen came outside and took the infant pealing off some off his clothing

ARAVIS: I never knew clothing could ring like a bell.

to prevent him from overheating and then handed the near-naked Greenleaf back to his father.

JULES: Oh, yuck! That just sounds wrong!
BORIS: I wonder if we've been reading too many dodgy fics.


Adar, what is wrong with him? I've never seen a baby act like this. Nataget asked, watching the baby sleep against his father's shoulder.

JULES (as Thranduil): I think your baby brother is actually a cat.
CHESTERFIELD: Huh?
JULES: My cat acts like that all the time...I mean the spitting up part and the crying part, not the twitching part.


I don't know, Nat'.

BORIS: Oh, look, a little lost apostrophe!
ARAVIS: Quick, let's help it find its way home to the nearest contraction!


We'll find out soon, as Elrond is to arrive tomorrow,

JULES: Oh, yeah, after leaving Rivendell a WEEK ago? I don't think so, Thranduil.
CHESTERFIELD: Wow; obviously somebody knocked down the Misty Mountains.


Thranduil murmured to his eldest, attempting to not wake his young elf.

ARAVIS (grimace): And failing miserably, as Legolas woke up and had another fit, leading to about one hundred more pages of pointless angst.

For hours Thranduil stood and moved about with Legolas,

JULES: Man, Legolas's baby shower is kind of a let down, eh?
CHESTERFIELD: I'll say.


the babies eyes peered open before dinner began and the King set the elfling on his lap to eat.

ARAVIS: Thranduil's BREAST-FEEDING him?!
BORIS: Oh, yuck!
JULES: Oh, God, my brain!


The child ate little before beginning to nod off again.

CHESTERFIELD: What the hell was he eating?!
BORIS: I don't want to know.


Before he began to set the baby to sleep Nealaen, came in

JULES: The comma goes after SLEEP, you idiot! Seriously, have these Suethors NEVER heard of betas?!
BORIS: Is Legolas an alarm clock?


and gave the child a once over

ARAVIS (as Nealaen): Ahhh...yes, yes, very handsome, very, VERY good-looking...I approve. Baby Legolas, I have decided to marry you.

before posting a healer at the crib to make sure no more fits came in the night.

BORIS: How exactly does this made-up childhood trauma add to Legolas's character?
CHESTERFIELD: About the same way the "Muppet Babies" cartoon added to the Muppets' characters, I'd say.
BORIS: Ah, yes.


King Thranduil dressed rapidly, to greet his guests at the gate.

JULES: Wait...what?
CHESTERFIELD: Did we skip the whole night?


Checking on the still sleeping Legolas he moved down towards the front of the palace.

JULES (steamed): Palace?! PALACE?! THE MIRKWOOD ELVES LIVE IN CAVES! CAVES, CAVES, CAVES! C.A.V.E.S! HOLES IN THE GROUND! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SAY THIS?!
BORIS: But caves aren't as kewl and royal as a palace, lolz!
CHESTERFIELD (disgustedly): Kaiyoz probably thinks Rivendell is a city too!


He formally greeted the Rivendell party, as well as Mithradir.

*Mithradir pops up in the seat next to Jules*
JULES: Well, aren't you just the cutest little mini ever? Anybody got a strip of bacon?


The Mirkwood King ushered Gandalf

CHESTERFIELD (as Gandalf): Hmmm...figure out how to drive Sauron out of Dol Guldur, or go visit Thranduil's useless spawn? Thranduil's spawn, here I come!
ARAVIS: I'm surprised Gandalf even had the time to fight Sauron, what with the cute little elf and hobbit children he plays with, and the Mary Sues he rescues, and the Mary Sues he trains...


and the Lord's of Imladris up the stairs,

BORIS (singing): For Imladris is not yours, it's the Lord's...

away from the party. He moved quietly into the healing/nursery room that had been set up for the child.

*stifled laughter*
CHESTERFIELD: Just plain "nursery" would have been fine, Kaiyoz.


Lord Elrond promptly set to work laying out different tools

ARAVIS: Scalpels, rusty nails, pincers, red-hot knives...Elrond had brought plenty of supplies from his private torture chambers.

and setting up to work his own healing skills.

JULES: Funny; I wasn't aware Elrond NEEDED tools for healing, apart from herbs and poultices.
CHESTERFIELD: Maybe he also works as a dentist.


Examining ears, eyes, mouth, and body, the elder elf noted the abnormal responses.

JULES: Abnormal responses? Does Legolas have green skin, yellow eyes, and shark teeth?
BORIS: Nah, there's no way Kaiyoz will make the fic that interesting.


The baby began to cry as the unfamiliar elf handled him,

ARAVIS: Again, why is that so surprising? All babies cry when someone unfamiliar handles them.

when Thranduil moved to take the baby

CHESTERFIELD (as Elrond): Hey, I'm not done!
BORIS: Moved, moved, moved...DEAR SAURON, KAIYOZ, WILL YOU USE A DIFFERENT WORD ALREADY?!


he told him to try and soothe with his voice.

ALL: Huh?

The King tried to soothe the baby by using his name but nothing changed. Nataget was also called to try and still nothing happened.

JULES: Yeah, he's what, three weeks old? What baby responds to their name that early?

But when they moved into viewing range of the infant he instantly quieted.

ARAVIS (as baby Legolas): Oh, Eru, it's the twisted versions of my father and Elrond...must not make a sound...perhaps they'll go away...

He ran a few more odd tests before once more evaluating the child.

BORIS (getting angry): Tests?! Evaluating?! Elrond is a healer wise in ancient lore, not a modern surgeon!

When the Imladris Lord finished he sat down and handed the infant to his third eldest brother.

JULES: Kaiyoz, honey, Elrond had ONE brother, and he's long dead.
CHESTERFIELD: Unless she's talking about Legolas's brother.


For the seizure I can call it nothing more than a fit

BORIS: Oh, great; Elrond's been studying his thesaurus.
ARAVIS: Is Elrond turning into Captain Obvious as well?!
JULES: SEIZURE?! ARGH! NOBODY IN ARDA WOULD KNOW THAT WORD!


and can do nothing to aid you. I the does have another one

*Silence*
CHESTERFIELD: What the hell?


the important things are to make sure his mouth is open so he can breathe

BORIS: "Don’t gag him before putting him to bed like you normally do."

and that you let him rest and cool down afterwards.

JULES: Uh-huh.
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, whatever, Dentist!Elrond.


Tight clothes may make him strangle, let him sleep.

ARAVIS: Tight clothes...sleep...hey, those two ideas have nothing whatsoever to do with each other!
BORIS: Who dresses a baby in tight clothes anyway?


But why is this happening?

JULES (as Elrond): Do the words "useless wangst" mean anything to you?
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, how do you know Elrond wasn't asking the question?
JULES: Actually, I don't. Boy, a lack of quotation marks sure makes things confusing.


All of our other children are perfectly healthy and were born that way.

BORIS (angrily): Do you have amnesia, Thranduil?! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHY! YOU WERE BLAMING YOURSELF FOR IT EARLIER!
JULES: Let's face it: wood-elves in fanfiction are rock-stupid.


He was tired of healer's giving him non-commititive answers.

ARAVIS (sigh): That's "non-committal," Kaiyoz.
CHESTERFIELD: Uh...has it occurred to Thranduil that the healers aren't telling him anything because they just don't want to say what dumbasses he and his wife were?


Yes, but your other children weren't traumatic births,

BORIS: "Thank Iluvatar they were Elves instead."

Legolas was taken quite early from the womb.

JULES (clutching her forehead): Yes, four months early. FOUR MONTHS! How in God's name is he even alive?!
ARAVIS: How is he even fully formed?!


That may have also attributed the other issue, Elrond said nervously.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, shit; now we have to deal with MORE wangst?!
BORIS: Sauron, Lifetime movies are less wangsty than this!


What other issue'? Nataget questioned worriedly.

ARAVIS: "He quacks like a duck whenever I press his nose."

The fact that he's deaf, Mithrandir stated from the chair he had been in.

JULES: Oh, good God.
BORIS: Yikes.
CHESTERFIELD (frustrated and confused): Deaf?! But...he...could hear...in the Fellowship...Elven hearing...talking...GAHHHH, MY BRAIN BROKE!
ARAVIS (shaking her head): This is the stupidest, most contrived reason for angst I've ever read in a fanfic.


TBC???

ALL: HELL, NO!

So What do ya think?

JULES: There's plenty I could tell you, but for now, I'll only say one thing: GET YOUR GODDAMN QUOTATION MARKS KEY FIXED!

Good? Bad? Ugly?

BORIS: Oh, stop using those words over and over, Suethors!

I would like to hear if I should continue this or put it out of it's misery now.

CHESTERFIELD: How 'bout putting us out of our misery?
JULES: Good idea.


Review please. Flames are thrown away. Polite Constructive critism is nice.

ARAVIS: What is "critism"?
JULES: I hope it's a kind of booze...I really need to bleach my brain now...
*all exit the theater*



Review here.
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(Wo)man on a Mission
Chapter 2

BORIS: Electric boogaloo.

Disclaimer: I do NOT claim anything that is not recognized by the public as J.R. Tolkien's work.

JULES: And I'm sure J.R. Tolkien, whoever that is, appreciates it, but why don't you do a disclaimer for J.R.R. Tolkien instead?

Plot line is mine.

ARAVIS: Who else would claim it anyway?

A/N: Yes, I know Legolas' mother was most likely NOT killed by a wild horse but I couldn't think of anything else that would aid in future ideas.

JULES: Um, GIANT SPIDERS IN MIRKWOOD, hello?
BORIS: Wait, if Legolas's mother is dead, how can she possibly "aid in future ideas"?
CHESTERFIELD: Maybe she comes back from the dead and slaughters everyone.


Yes, I know a month early is not that early but once M.E. has a fully functioning hospital

JULES (sigh): Yeah, stupid, maybe in YOUR twisted little version of Middle-earth, but not in Tolkien's version.
CHESTERFIELD: Maybe she's counting Saruman's Uruk-hai breeding pits as a "fully-functioning hospital".


SORRY but that's the way it goes. I don't have a ventilator to work with.

BORIS: Which sucks, because I'm having trouble...breathing...gasp...air...need...air...mfffffffft.

NO, she did not give birth

ARAVIS: Then how did Legolas come out?
CHESTERFIELD (shrug): Dunno. Maybe she vomited him up.


I thought I made it somewhat clear when I said pull' and take' instead of deliver,

BORIS: Whoa, they yanked the kid out of her? No wonder she died!

that she had a C-section.

BORIS: Oh.
JULES (rolling her eyes): Oh, how silly of us. Why didn't we guess that in the first place from your vague, poorly-spelled wording, Kaiyoz?


I understand my chapter was a bit rushed but it was the first one and kinda spilled from my brain to my fingers.

BORIS: Um...Kaiyoz, I think more than the chapter spilled from your brain to your fingers.

I'll try to go slower.

CHESTERFIELD: And look over your grammar notes from second grade while you're at it.

THANKS to all the reviewers.

ARAVIS (reviewers): YOU'RE welcome!

Especially Cheysuli (I'm a big fan!)

JULES (scowl): Suck-up.

and hope she continues her story Keep Breathing'. (cough hint cough).

JULES: See?
BORIS: Oh, take it to her damn review page, Kaiyoz.


I respect all the experienced author's who review my story, no matter how crappie it is.

CHESTERFIELD: Even if they flame you? Sweet.
ARAVIS: I think even an inexperienced author would know better than to put an apostrophe in a plural noun.


(experience meaning MORE than one story with good reviews).

JULES: Oh, that's ridiculous. That would mean Phantom's Ange was an experienced author, since she's got three stories full of rave reviews from her fanherd.

And to everyone who has me on their faves list or author alert. (Props to y'all!)

BORIS: Honestly, who would do such a thing? I can't imagine anyone who would like this premise.
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah. I mean, even the dumbest Suethors would be disappointed, 'cause Legolas doesn't fall in love with a Mary Sue in this fic.


The room was stunned to silence at Mithrandir's revelation.

ARAVIS: What, no Elf has ever given birth to a deaf child before?

No elf had ever been born deaf.

ARAVIS (surprised): Oh. I suppose not.
JULES: Well, Elves never get sick, so...
BORIS: So Elves have been on Middle-earth for thousands of years already, and LEGOLAS is the first deaf one?


Sure, there had been an accident here or there with minor loss of hearing resulting.

CHESTERFIELD (deadpan): Elves were addicted to heavy metal music.

But to be born with never hearing the bird's sing, stream's flowing, singing, and music was terrible to imagine.

JULES: Actually, if you consider Elven culture, plus how much they sing, deafness WOULD be pretty horrible.
BORIS: If only Kaiyoz weren't just using it for cheap, overdone angst.


Well then fix it! Thranduil roared, after he came out of his stupor.

ARAVIS (laughing): Fix it? Is Legolas a broken toy or something?
CHESTERFIELD: Well, he's got a hangover; he's not thinking too clearly.


I can not fix what has already been done, Elrond said, carrying the infant on his shoulder.

JULES (sneer): Oh, great excuse, Kaiyoz. Hell, yeah, you can fix this travesty of a story!

The occupants of the room sat still for several minutes contemplating the future of this child.

BORIS: Um, shouldn't anyone be thinking about Sauron...or the giant spiders...or anything?
JULES: Yep, Middle-earth was overrun by Sauron, darkness and despair covered the land, and most of the White Council was STILL sitting in Mirkwood thinking about Legolas.


The Mirkwood King pulled the baby into his arms.

CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): Here, boy! Here! C'mon, boy!

Not sure of what to do with his new child; he looked at his angelic smile and green eyes.

BORIS (horror): Holy shit, it's Chuckie!
JULES: It's the Devil Doll!


He was so much like his wife

ARAVIS: Deaf, mute, stupid...

and he would try his hardest to make his life the fullest possible.

CHESTERFIELD: Awwwww! Cheap sugary drama for the WIN!
JULES (wince): My stomach's churning already.


How? How did this happen?

BORIS (enraged): Do we have to repeat the story a third time?! HIS MOTHER WAS AN IDIOT AND...
JULES: Okay, okay, calm down already.


How are we to talk to him? How is he to talk to us? the Crown Prince questioned from his father's side.

ARAVIS (shrug): Try shouting at him. That always worked with my deaf grandfather.

Elrond sighed at the obvious heartbreak in the family

BORIS (mock sadness): It was even worse than the time when space aliens started selling exploding condoms to the Elves.

and the fact that he was to late to give any help.

JULES (frustrated): TOO, for Christ's sake! TOO LATE!

I imagine the deafness could be due to any number of issues.

CHESTERFIELD: Like the nest of voles living in his ears, or the bagpipes his mother played...

The seizures could be from anything as well, he could have a deficiency or neurological problem.

JULES (enraged): ARRRRGHHH! YOU DAMN MORON! NOBODY SAYS "DEFICIENCY" OR "NEUROLOGICAL" IN MIDDLE-EARTH!
ARAVIS (shaking her head): Do you always lose your temper for no reason?
*Jules just scowls*


As he ages you'll better be able to tell what it's from.

CHESTERFIELD: What, is he just going to magically learn it and tell everyone?
ARAVIS: Perhaps the reason will be written on his forehead.


I suggest you begin to teach him hand signs, like you use for the military.

BORIS: Great: so the only phrases Legolas will know will be "Pick up your sword," "Orcs up ahead," "Fire," "The spiders are coming," and "Army food is disgusting." Way to go, Elrond.

He continued when Thranduil nodded, Just because he is deaf does not mean you shouldn't talk to him.

ARAVIS: "This way you won't have to worry about cursing or reading romance novels in front of him."

His other senses will tune to be better than many others

CHESTERFIELD: Um...that's not gonna do any good with voice, Kaiyoz. Hell, I'm an Uruk-hai, and even I know that.
BORIS: Kaiyoz, you can't see, feel, smell, or taste a person's voice.


and he will feel the vibration in the air and be comforted.

*Jules, looking furious, opens her mouth*
BORIS (covering her mouth): We know.


The Lord of Imladris moved to discuss caring for the infant

ARAVIS: Well, you could start by using his name!

to the native healer's and possible changes to the household.

BORIS: Oh, great. This is MUCH more exciting than the typical lore of Middle-earth.
CHESTERFIELD: Did someone send us a childcare book?


Thranduil murmured quietly to Legolas thinking about the days revelations.

JULES (as Thranduil): Well, I thought those four horsemen were nice fellows...the moon turning to blood was a little scary, though...

The elf was no bigger than his forearm

BORIS: Yuck! Really?
ARAVIS: What a skinny child.


but had already made a huge difference to the King's life. What am I to do? Thranduil mused.

JULES: Well, you could give Kaiyoz a hint about quotation marks!
CHESTERFIELD (shaking his head): She thinks to use italics for someone's thoughts but doesn't think to use quotes? Man, that's sad.


His wife could easily take care of this child but the king never aided much in the actual rearing of his children.

BORIS (dryly): You don't say?
ARAVIS (clutching her forehead): When do kings EVER aid in the rearing of their children?


Sure, he'd always made time for them

CHESTERFIELD: He'd always told them stories about kids being eaten by spiders and butchered by Orcs, to scare them into good behavior.

but actually feeding and changing diapers had never been on his to do list.

*Silence, followed by headdesking*
BORIS: No DUH! He's a fucking KING!
JULES: And men in the Middle Ages wouldn't feed babies and change diapers anyway!


The tiny infant began to give off a foul smelling odor

CHESTERFIELD: He's only started crapping now? Is something wrong with his colon too?
JULES (irritated): Okay, Kaiyoz, we get that Legolas is a tiny baby. Move on already!


and was promptly handed Nealaen.

ARAVIS (laughing): Somebody handed Nealaen to Legolas?
JULES: She must be really light.
CHESTERFIELD: Don't drop her, Legolas!


At that moment Rivendell's twin princes moved stealthily into the room to speak with their father.

ARAVIS (as Elladan): Father, can we PLEASE take Thranduil's useless brat and bury him somewhere?
BORIS (as Elrond): No, son. But don't worry; a spider should get him rather soon.


At just 130 year's old the prince's were were equivalent to 13 year's old in human year's

JULES (frothing at the mouth): Dear God, the APOSTROPHES! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! ARRRRGGGHHHHH!

and were almost at the peak in trouble-making.

*Jules screams, beats her head several times on the back of her seat, and passes out*
BORIS: Meh, just leave her there. It's the kindest thing we can do.
CHESTERFIELD (frustrated): What is with Elladan and Elrohir always being mixed up with the Weasley twins?!


Adar, Arwen is asleep, so can we go out to their practice fields?

BORIS: And can we invite Legolas to come too? Pretty please?

the eldest, Elladan, questioned in a whisper, trying not to disturb the peace in the room.

ARAVIS: Good thinking, Elladan. The place will be wangst-free for about one hour: savor the moment.

Yes, but be back in time to clean up for the evening meal, their father responded

BORIS (as Elrond): You've been spending way too long with the Rangers; you smell as bad as them.
JULES (waking up): Are the twins gone? Dear God, is the horrible, unfunny pranking scene over yet?


hoping the twins would burn off their energy so they could not cause problems at the meal.

*Jules screams again and starts trying to claw her eyes out*
CHESTERFIELD (grabbing her hands): Boris, do something!
*Boris hits Jules over the head with an umbrella. Jules immediately calms down*
JULES: Wow, Boris, that actually felt good. Thanks a lot.


Elrond again opened his arms to take the newborn infant so he could further check his ears.

CHESTERFIELD (snort): FURTHER check his ears? I think he's got a piano stashed in there somewhere!

Father, is he supposed to be that small? Elrohir asked, staring at the baby, remembering how big Arwen was when she was born.

BORIS (as Elrond): Unfortunately, yes. You see, son, growing up in a dark, scary, spider-infested forest tends to stunt your growth, weaken your sight and hearing, and shrink your testicles. It also makes you stupid beyond all reason, and gives you an effeminate figure and this habit of stating the obvious...
JULES (laughing): Okay! We get it!


Yes, he'll get bigger soon, Elrond moved onto the balcony

CHESTERFIELD (exasperated): She said "moved" AGAIN! Get a thesaurus, already!
ARAVIS: Yes, the balcony that doesn't even exist.


to receive more light and his son's followed.

JULES: Aw, that was really nice of his son to give Elrond his followed, wasn't it?
BORIS: Yeah, but I don't think Elrond will have much luck finding light.


King Thranduil walked up to the group

*everyone gasped*
JULES: My God, she used another word besides "moved"!


and watched as Elrond again tried to decipher what might be wrong.

CHESTERFIELD: Just give it up, already! Accept the kid's a freak and quit whining!

He's very pretty, your highness, Elladan said,

BORIS: Ah, that's a perfect reason to write a pointless wangst story about how he's born deaf, dumb, and epileptic.
JULES: That's probably what Kaiyoz says whenever anyone tells her the story sucks: "But...Legolas...he's so pretty!"


to the brown-haired king.

CHESTERFIELD: Who's she talking about? Elrond? He's not a king.
ARAVIS: No, remember? Thranduil dyed his hair in this story.


Thank you, young one. When the efl lord

ALL (laughing): What the...

was done he handed the infant back and shook his head unable to find anything wrong.

JULES (patiently): If there's nothing wrong, STOP WANGSTING OVER IT. PLEASE.

Thranduil called for a servant to show the half-elf,

ARAVIS: Wouldn't that be half-Elves, as Arwen, Elladan, and Elrohir are there also?
JULES: Hey, where's Celebrian? If the twins are only 130 years old, she should still be around!


the Balrog Slayer,

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, hey, it's Glorfindel! How ya doing, buddy?
BORIS: Poor sucker doesn't even get any lines in this piece of crap.


and the Istari to their respective chambers.

ARAVIS (startled): Saruman came to visit?
JULES: No, I think Gandalf brought along Radagast. Or maybe he's with those two blue wizards Tolkien never talked about.


The afternoon bled into a chilly winter night.

BORIS: Wait, it's winter? I thought two weeks ago, it was warm and sunny out!
JULES: No, no, the warmth and sunlight were artificial. See, it's a little known fact that Thranduil invented electricity and sun lamps.
BORIS: You don't say?
JULES: I swear: it's a true story.


Frost had barely touched the leaves giving a stillness over the land.

CHESTERFIELD (whistle): That must be some heavy-duty frost.

As elves amassed in the dining halls, they awaited the arrival of their kind,

ARAVIS: But the Elves were AMASSING, which implies there were many of them. How many more of their kind could they want?

who stood on the balcony of his newest child's room.

ARAVIS (rolling her eyes): Oh, how silly of me; Kaiyoz meant KING, not kind.
JULES (snort): Man, Legolas got the best room in the place. He's got a lovely view of tree roots, some dirt, and a mole colony.


Oh, Leana, Thranduil whispered towards the night sky,

BORIS: Which had been painted on the ceiling of the CAVE in which the Mirkwood Elves were living...

wiping away a few stray tears, if you were only here,

CHESTERFIELD: I'd feel like a man again and wouldn't be such a whiny crybaby!

I wouldn't be so lost. He's so beautiful and so tiny.

JULES: And Kaiyoz feels like she needs to remind us of that fact every single paragraph...*gags*

He reminds me of you already.

ARAVIS: Since you were also beautiful...and...er...tiny...

Adar? It's time for dinner, Princess Caleviel called

BORIS: "Adar? Did I say my only line right?"

from the doorway where she held her baby brother.

CHESTERFIELD (frustrated): Just say his damn name already! I'm sick of reading all your "his newest brother," "his baby boy," "the infant," "the tiny infant" shit!
JULES: Obviously Kaiyoz doesn't want us to forget that Legolas is just a baby in this fic, so she's being kind enough to constantly remind us.


Thranduil gave a longing sigh and moved

ALL: ARGH!

towards the dining halls.

ARAVIS: Mirkwood has more than one dining hall?
BORIS: Sure. One's reserved for OOC characters, so they don't contaminate the other Elves.


3-weeks later

CHESTERFIELD: Thranduil is still sitting on the fake balcony crying.
JULES: And moving. Don't forget the moving.


I thank-you for your help, Elrond, the Mirkwood King said,

BORIS: Even though you really didn't do anything.

as he clasped hands with Peredhil.

ARAVIS: I thought his name was Elrond.
JULES: Kaiyoz, sweetie, the word "the" is your friend.


I'm not sure how much help I was, more of the bearer of bad news.

CHESTERFIELD: "It's such a shame Naughty Nerwen's Elven Strip Club had to close...oh, yeah, and good luck with your kid's deafness."

I wish you luck and grace with all your children.

JULES (puzzled): Grace?
BORIS (as Elrond, deadpan): I hope you're always graceful while you're taking care of your children.


I will be sure to include Legolas in my wishes to the Valar, Elrond replied

JULES: "Even though I've never talked to them, and they're pretty busy sending the Istari against Sauron right now."

from the seat of his horse, cuddling 60-year old Arwen in front of him (equal= 6 year old).

CHESTERFIELD: Wow, she must be mentally retarded, then.
BORIS: I think all Elrond's kids are mentally retarded in this fic. Didn't Kaiyoz say the twins were 130 and acted thirteen, or something?
JULES: Seriously, where the hell is Celebrian?!
CHESTERFIELD: Probably servicing the Goblin King with her lavender nipples.


Thranduil watched as the Rivendell party made their way out the front gates

ARAVIS: Only to be ensnared in the giant spider web on the other side.
BORIS: Or shot at by Celebrian, who was not pleased at being forgotten.


and looked about his kingdom, surprised to see it still standing.

JULES: Wow, an army of orcs must have come through without anyone noticing.
CHESTERFIELD: Way to be alert, Thranduil.


Between Linthuin, Caleviel, Elladan, and Elrohir, the Forest Kingdom was still functioning with only the loss of the kitchen when they had completely destroyed it trying to make cookies.

JULES (clutching her forehead): Oh, brother...
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, just be glad Kaiyoz didn't go into the details on the stupid pranks.
BORIS: Are these the Arda Elves or the Keebler Elves?


Baby Legolas had also made it to two-months old

ARAVIS (as Thranduil): I say, I see words written on Legolas's forehead: "I am deaf because I have termite mounds in my ears"...amazing! Elrond was right!

and was already one with a curious eye,

JULES: His eyeball was yellow, his iris was hot pink, and his pupil was shaped like a house.

fascinated by hair and the reactions he got when he pulled on it.

BORIS (yawn): Awesome: Legolas is developing like a normal kid.
CHESTERFIELD: Wait: since he's deaf, wouldn't he not be able to hear the people shrieking when he pulled their hair?


Thranduil knew he was in for a wild-ride with this one.

ARAVIS (deadpan): He was so sure that he just had to put a hyphen between the two words.
JULES (sigh): Thranduil, three words: five...other...kids. Come on; Legolas is deaf, not brain-damaged...I hope...


TBC??? Still Good?

ARAVIS (laughing in disbelief): When was it EVER good?!
CHESTERFIELD: When it didn't exist.


Want More? Review? Please?

JULES: Single words? No verbs? Fragments? Pidgin? Stupid?

(I would like critique's (polite ones)

BORIS: And by "polite" I mean they all have to say some variation of "omg! Ur story ROX!!1!"

on my grammar and writing style not the plot

JULES: Damn!
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, don't worry: we've got plenty to flame her about on her grammar and spelling.


although I do take ideas.

ARAVIS (sigh): I suppose you won't take the idea that Deaf!Legolas should be eaten by a spider.

Sorry about the short chapter, but I didn't want to spend to long in infancy.

BORIS: Uh-huh.
JULES: Then why write about Legolas's infancy at all?


It gets boring without the main character being able to do much.

ARAVIS: Just have him stop crying about his wife and son and...oh, you mean LEGOLAS is the main character?
CHESTERFIELD: Wow, that's weird.
JULES: Yeah; I thought Legolas was just a plot device in this fic.


Please read Author's Note at top and review.

BORIS: Don't even THINK of flaming me for forgetting the spiders, because I MADE MY LAME EXCUSES, SO HA, HA, HA!

P.S.-I have plenty of experience with deafness,

JULES (clutching her forehead): Oh, GOD, here we go...
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah; the old "I share the problems of my characters so when you flame my story, you're insulting me!" shtick.
ARAVIS (exasperated): Why are you taking your problems out on poor Legolas?! He never did anything to you!


being partly deaf and having comrades who are as well

BORIS (snort): Comrades? Is Kaiyoz a Communist?
CHESTERFIELD: So what's with Legolas's epileptic fits? Does she have "comrades" who are epileptic too?


so I hope that no one will through a tizzy over my deafness plots.)

JULES: Don't worry; we'll just "through a tizzy" over your stupidity and lack of decent punctuation.
CHESTERFIELD: Right after this break...
*all exit the theater*
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(Wo)man on a Mission
Chapter 3

CHESTERFIELD (bored voice): "Legolas Learns to Crawl"
BORIS (bored voice): "Legolas Moves onto Solid Food"
ARAVIS (bored voice): "Legolas Just Sits There and Does Nothing"
JULES (bored voice): "Legolas Sleeps without Having a Seizure"


Disclaimer: I own nothing that is recognized by the public as Tolkien's work.

JULES: And, since nothing in this fic has anything to do with Tolkien's work except for the names...you really don't own anything. Good thinking, Kaiyoz.

Unknown characters or ideas are mine.

ARAVIS: Yet you set this fic in Mirkwood and gave them the names of Lord of the Rings characters? Er...
BORIS: Just don't think.


A/N: THanks for all the reviews and encouragment you guys are great.

*all stare in horror at the screen*
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, what morons are actually giving this shit good reviews? I want to fry them up and eat them.
JULES: I don't care what happens to them as long as they're eliminated from the gene pool.


Seven-month old Legolas cried stubbornly at his father as he made desperate attempts to commune with his infant son.

BORIS: Yes, Thranduil was trying to teach Legolas the joys of the Eucharist, but Legolas was having none of it.

They had started using sign-language with Legolas the minute he began to look at hand gestures.

ARAVIS: How did they know he actually could focus on them?
CHESTERFIELD: Huh? Do babies look at hand gestures later than they look at faces?


Unfortunately the military sign did not cover words used in an infants vocabulary,

JULES: No kidding. How would you sign words like "goo-goo," "ga-ga," and "wah-wah" anyway?

causing them to make up new simple ones, like adar and milk.

BORIS: Yeah, why bother feasting and drinking wine when you can make up a secret language for your deaf, half-retarded son?
ARAVIS: Er...why is one word in Sindarin and one in English?


Again Thranduil handed a bottle in the princeling's direction causing him to scream louder.

CHESTERFIELD: Whoa, Thranduil, I think you smacked him in the head!
BORIS (sigh): Thranduil, get a clue: he can't hold it yet.


The baby punched his arms in the air and slammed them on the floor in front of him.

JULES (laughing): Wow, Legolas is destined to be a black belt in karate.

The Mirkwood King, who never backed down in battle, finally dropped his head onto a table in defeat.

CHESTERFIELD: His head bounced off the table and rolled out the door.
ARAVIS (as Legolas, looking at Thranduil's disembodied head): Ewwwwww!


He stood and begin to pick up the child,

JULES (frustrated): My God, did Kaiyoz learn grammar from a first-grader?!

to take him to Nataget, when he stopped crying.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas, aside): Hi, folks at home. Watch me mess with Dad here! He's all confused about what I want, since I can't talk, poor sucker. I bet I can make him throw a fit...

Oh, so that's what you wanted, to be picked up, he remarked,

BORIS (as Legolas): No, I was crying over Kaiyoz's crappy punctuation.

resisting the urge to smack himself in the head.

ARAVIS: No, don't resist, Thranduil! Perhaps you'll actually knock some sense into your head!
JULES: Somebody should smack Kaiyoz in the head too.
BORIS: Meh, I don't think it'll help.


He should have realized what the throwing his arms in the air meant.

CHESTERFIELD: Dropping heads, smacking heads, throwing arms...this is one very violent, gory sign language Legolas and Thranduil are speaking.

The past few months had been difficult with Legolas, he had only had four seizures in that time period

JULES: Yeah, four seizures in a few months...*clutches her forehead*
BORIS: Hey, it's a seizure per month. Considering the first chapter, that's pretty good.


and had recovered fine from them, suffering no ill-effects.

ARAVIS (sigh): More's the pity.
JULES: This stupid tragic past for Legolas is making my brain hurt. No, seriously: how can ANYONE think this premise is a good idea? Just...gah!


But he was difficult to communicate with for obvious reasons. It was difficult to get his attention

CHESTERFIELD: Kaiyoz, I'm going to reach through the computer and punch you in the nose if you use the word "difficult" one more time.

if you weren't holding him and only rocking him would calm him.

BORIS: So they put him in a boat and sent him sailing downriver, until he was never seen again. The end.

Luckily, he seemed to get along with his cousin, Amadrienia, or Ama for short.

JULES: Oh, great name, there. What'd you do, take two dumb Mary-Sue names and smash them together?
CHESTERFIELD: Damn, Thranduil's got a big family. Where does he keep all these relatives?


She had just begun to string together sentences and seemed to understand the unusalaties of her baby cousin.

*Pause*
CHESTERFIELD: What the hell is that word supposed to be?
JULES: "Pallored"? "Unusalities"? Wow, Kaiyoz is a genius with words!
BORIS: Move over, Shakespeare; your wordplay is nothing on Kaiyoz's!


He sat the new infant down on to his rear

ARAVIS: Wait...whose rear is Legolas sitting on?!

in what had become a play area, but was actually a small alcove in Thranduil's massive office.

BORIS: Before Legolas was born, Thranduil used to keep his matador costumes and "Sex and the City" DVDs in there.

The afternoon wore on with only minor emergencies' on Legolas' part.

ARAVIS: Minor emergencies? Did Legolas have HALF a seizure or something? What the...
CHESTERFIELD: Wow, what a day. Legolas wanted to be picked up, then he sat down on someone's rear, and Thranduil has an office for some reason. Do we care? No.


As the Royal family sat down for the evening meal,

JULES: What the...did we just skip a few hours? It sounds like they're eating in Thranduil's office.
BORIS: Hey, at least Kaiyoz didn't put "Dinner" or "In the dining room" in bold letters.


Thranduil, as always, was attempting to feed baby Legolas.

JULES: But, as usual, it wasn't working, since Legolas was actually photosynthetic.

The healers stressed the importance of food for the infant

*snorts of laughter*
CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): Really? Man, and I thought it would be healthier to let him starve.


but stubbornness was Legolas' foremost traits.

ARAVIS (confused): I thought it was deafness, or perhaps fits.
BORIS: Argh! Noun-verb agreement, Kaiyoz. Use it!


The Mirkwood king signed the word for water before handing it, to the infant.

JULES: Kaiyoz, stop leaving your commas out all over the place.
CHESTERFIELD: Didn't somebody start a home for lost commas?


Astonishment took over the family as Legolas closed is fingers, signing the word no' and reached towards the table.

JULES (horrified): Oh, holy shit. I just realized. She...she's ripping off "The Miracle Worker"!
ARAVIS: Why does Legolas need to sign the word "no"? Can't he just shake his head?
CHESTERFIELD: Nah, that's not special enough.


He signed his first word, Nat' cried, as he kissed the confused baby.

BORIS: Meanwhile, Helen Keller, Annie Sullivan, and William Gibson turn over in their graves.
JULES: I'm in shock. I guess Kaiyoz had to read "The Miracle Worker" in school and found it boring. Fair enough. But the fact that she thought it would be BETTER if she rewrote it to feature Legolas as Helen Keller, even though LEGOLAS IS NOT DEAF IN CANON?! I mean...just...how can you take a dump on two famous works at once and not even feel ashamed of it?!
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, Jules, stop preaching.


Legolas began to kick his legs furiously as no one had yet to hand him any milk.

ARAVIS: Why is Legolas eating with the rest of the family, anyway? He should be up in the nursery, with a nurse caring for him!
BORIS (rolling his eyes): Kaiyoz probably pictures Mirkwood as an ordinary American suburb.


Finally Nat' noticed the angry infant and signed the word food'.

CHESTERFIELD: And now she's leaving apostrophes all over the place too! What is with this chick?!
JULES: Anybody want to start a punctuation collection?


To which Legolas replied no'. He signed the word milk'.

ARAVIS (irritably): Why didn't Legolas just sign the word "milk" in the first place?
BORIS: Hmmm...methinks baby Legolas is deaf and dumb...in every sense of the word.


To which Legolas replied yes', sending the family into another flurry of kisses.

CHESTERFIELD: This family gets REALLY over-excited.
JULES: If Kaiyoz turns Thranduil into Annie Sullivan, I am going to flame this shitfest so hard it'll burn to ashes.


After slamming his hand on the table someone took pity on the infant

ARAVIS: Right after slamming his hand on the table, eh? Perfect timing.
JULES (sarcastically): Why is that so unusual, Aravis? Murderers always take pity on their victims right after killing them.


and began to feed him some milk.

CHESTERFIELD: Yeah, he BEGAN to feed Legolas some milk, but he didn't finish, 'cause Legolas bit his hand off.
ARAVIS (as Legolas): Take that, hand-slammer!


I'm so proud of you, baby leaf! The Mirkwood King cooed at the baby,

*everyone hurls*

seeing his father smile made the infant smile back.

JULES: Awwww, how sweet...*throws up again*
BORIS (sickened): This is the part where all the "Full House" and "Seventh Heaven" fans start bawling.
ARAVIS: I almost want to cry too, but for a different reason.


Kicking his feet delightedly when his father spoon-fed him some chocolate pudding.

JULES: Chocolate pudding? They're Mirkwood Elves, famous in "The Hobbit" for their wonderful feasts and delicious wine, and they're eating CHOCOLATE PUDDING?
CHESTERFIELD: I'm surprised they have chocolate; I didn't know cacao beans grew in Arda.


The family ended dinner around the fireplace talking of their home, as Legolas lay curled in sleep against his father's chest.

BORIS (as Nataget): So, Father, have you noticed the darkness that's been creeping over the forest over the past few months?
ARAVIS (as Thranduil, absent-mindedly): No, but Legolas loves to eat chocolate pudding.
JULES (random guard): Sire, the giant spiders have been multiplying; we would appreciate if you'd come and give us some moral support...
CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): No, I have to watch Legolas every second and act like a sappy, dimwitted wuss. Sorry.


Adar, he's going to start teething soon, Glycil said from his spot,

JULES: Between tyrosine and arginine in the protein chain.

with his own daughter sleeping next to him in his wife's arms.

BORIS: His daughter Adenylate Cyclase, in the arms of his wife Uracil.
JULES: Nice.


Ugh... I know, I'm hoping they'll come in quickly.

CHESTERFIELD (rolling his eyes): No such luck. Kaiyoz will make the teething period as long as possible to milk as much pathetic wangst as she can out of it.

I believe it's time to turn in

BORIS: The homework for the day.

for the night. Sleep well, children, Thranduil said as he moved out of the room

*everyone screams*

and up the stairs to the nursery for his infant son.

ARAVIS: Oh, really? I thought it was the nursery for Thranduil himself. We are not idiots, Kaiyoz!

The Mirkwood ruler placed his son in the bassinet,

JULES: Since Legolas is seven months old, isn't he too big to sleep in a bassinet?
BORIS: Well, remember: according to Kaiyoz, a sixty-year-old Elf is the equivalent of a six-year-old. Of course, by that logic, Legolas should definitely not be teething.


praying quietly over it for a moment,

CHESTERFIELD: "Dear Mandos, take me now."

he bent and placed a soft kiss on the babe's head before posting the guard to watch for seizures in the night.

JULES (as the guard): Oh, please, your Majesty, PLEASE leave me a tiny bit of my dignity!
BORIS (as the guard): And to think I was once Mirkwood's greatest warrior, killing countless Orcs and spiders...this is SO degrading.


He moved into his own chambers and laid down to rest, his eyes clouding in slumber.

CHESTERFIELD (shaking his head): Thranduil, have you been doing drugs again?

Very early in the morning, before the sun even considered looking upon the Great Forest,

JULES: Not that it would do much good, since Mirkwood was DARK AND CREEPY AND FULL OF EVIL...
ARAVIS: Take the hint, Kaiyoz!


Thranduil was startled awake by his guard.

BORIS (as the guard): Sire, there's an army of Orcs at the gate right now; could you PLEASE get up and help us?
CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): Shut up! I told you to wake me only if Legolas had another seizure!


Not bothering for an explanation, the phrase Prince Legolas sent him flying into the next room, dressed only in sleep pants.

*everyone bursts out laughing*
ARAVIS: Why do I picture Thranduil literally flying, with wings?
JULES: Sleep pants? Nice one, Kaiyoz. Did you get your inspiration from Goodkind's "traveling pants"?


Several healer's already stood in the room, gently cradling a twitching infant.

CHESTERFIELD (slamming his head on the back of his seat): Fuck the seizures, Kaiyoz! They don't even make any goddamn sense!
BORIS: Where did she even get the idea for the seizures? I know she ripped off "The Miracle Worker" for the rest of it, but there wasn't anything about seizures in that play.


The King moved quickly to see what could be done.

*everyone screams and headdesks*
JULES: For the love of God, Kaiyoz, STOP USING THAT WORD!


Nataget burst in a minute later, also half-dressed.

CHESTERFIELD: Except he was wearing a sleep shirt and sleep socks instead of sleep pants.

Together they watched the small child spasm and vomit,

JULES (ominously): Little did they know that the chocolate pudding they'd fed him was actually troll shit.

sadly there was nothing they could do until it passed.

BORIS: Even more sadly, it was a dreadful waste of chocolate pudding.

Nealaen handed the baby to his father instructing on how to hold him gently, yet firmly

CHESTERFIELD (getting angry): Thranduil has been holding Legolas for SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS; how can he still not have learned how to hold him?!

He attempted to soothe the baby into stillness trying to get the babe to look at him.

JULES (shriek of frustration): HIS NAME IS LEGOLAS! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, CALL THE CHARACTERS BY THEIR DAMN NAMES!

After a few more heart-wrenching moments,

ARAVIS: I believe the correct term is stomach-wrenching .
JULES: Actually, that would be "stomach-churning".


the baby relaxed, and began to cry urgently, only to be softened into silence by his father.

BORIS (puzzled): He "softened" him? How do you soften a person?
CHESTERFIELD: I think you pound 'em up with a claw hammer.


He feels a bit warm, Thranduil said, as he held the dazed child.

JULES (hopefully): Oh, please, PLEASE let the awful Stu-baby burst into flames...or please let him have malaria or something deadly...or PLEASE let him burst open and have a red devil with a pitchfork come out and dance on his head...

Understandable, seizures are very strenuous,

*Snickers*
BORIS: Uh...is this the same healer who said that eating was important?


take off his clothes, until he cools down, Nealaen said,

ARAVIS: Oh, I beg of you, no!
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah; aren't we sick enough already?


handing a bottle of cool water to the King, insisting he should give the baby it.

JULES: Okay, Kaiyoz, just because you’re partially deaf doesn't give you an excuse to abuse the English language like this!
ARAVIS: "Give the baby it"? Really? I mean, really, Kaiyoz?


After the healer's left and his children returned to bed,

BORIS (yawn): Things were just as boring as ever.

the brunette elf still cuddled the sleeping infant.

JULES (losing patience): THRANDUIL IS NOT A BLOODY BRUNETTE!

Sending the guard away he moved to his own bed and laid Legolas down next to him.

CHESTERFIELD: Yep, smother him up in the blankets, or roll onto him and crush him. There's an idea.
BORIS: Hey, don't complain! If Thranduil unwittingly kills Legolas, we're free!


Pulling the covers up around the young prince, he slipped into dreams again.

ARAVIS (dreamily): His beautiful dreams of murdering clueless Suethors.
JULES: Thranduil had a dream about wrestling Gollum. When he woke up, his horrible, stupid Gary-Stu son was squashed flat. The end.


Nearly A month later...

CHESTERFIELD: Really? *A* month? Not TWO months, not FIVE months, but *A* month?
JULES: *A* month.
BORIS: Nearly A sucky transition later...


Thranduil tried desperately to satisfy the screaming elfling,

ARAVIS (yawn): This story is so suspenseful! I think Legolas might actually...need his diaper changed!
*over-dramatic gasps*


letting him chomp on his already sore fingers,

JULES: Seriously? Thranduil LIKES getting his fingers bitten?
BORIS: Just put a twig in his mouth and he'll chew on that!


while servants ran to get more ice.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, for the love of...ICE?! ICE?! THRANDUIL'S GOT A FUCKIN' FREEZER NOW?!
JULES: Good God, Kaiyoz, can't you at least TRY to get the setting right?!


The Mirkwood King was never more happy that it was winter

CHESTERFIELD (relieved): Oh, it's winter. Phew; I thought Kaiyoz actually gave the Elves refrigerators.
JULES: It's not enough to offset the utter fail of everything else.
ARAVIS (confused): Wasn't it winter six months ago, when Legolas was only a month old? It should be summer by now.
BORIS: Ah, so Kaiyoz can't keep track of the change of seasons and the passage of time. There's a surprise.


than he had been in his entire life. Originally he had only tolerated winter because they move into beautiful springs

JULES: And IT changed tenses and mangled subject-verb agreement.
CHESTERFIELD: Yes, beautiful springs of dark, menacing trees and thorns and GIANT FUCKING SPIDERS SPINNING WEBS EVERYWHERE!


but the babe in his arms loved to chew on icy rags.

BORIS: Oh, it's all about Legolas now, isn't it? Legolas, Legolas, Legolas; what about your needs, huh, Thranduil? What about your people's needs?
ARAVIS (shaking her head): Thranduil has to be the most useless, incompetent king since Rabadash the Ridiculous.


They were the only way to keep him quite for more than five minutes unless he was asleep.

JULES: As Boris said, just use something else hard like twigs! You're in a friggin' forest!
CHESTERFIELD (deadpan): All the twigs are already being used to make an endless supply of chocolate pudding. And lime Jell-O.


Legolas' brand new teeth were very sharp and hurt like a balrog when he had to chew on something.

*Dead silence*
ARAVIS: That's an odd expression.
CHESTERFIELD: I didn't even know Balrogs could feel pain.


Servant came rushing back in bearing the frozen clothe,

JULES: Ande they didde wrappe the clothe over the babe Legolas's mouthe, ande Thranduil didde say, "I thanke thee, o varlets, forre thy goodenesse."

handing it to their King. Thranduil pulled his fingers quickly out of the tiny elf's mouth

ARAVIS (as Legolas): Give those back! They're my dinner!

and before he could make a fuss pushed the rag in.

BORIS (excitedly): Yeah, that's it, Thranduil: gag him!

Another crisis averted, he muttered to himself,

JULES (throwing up her hands): What crisis?!
CHESTERFIELD: Yeah; when is this thing gonna develop a plot?


earning a chuckle from a few elves nearby.

*fake laughter*
BORIS: Ha, ha, ha, ha! That's SO funny! It's even funnier than a Disney Channel show!
*Jules and Chesterfield hum whimsical sitcom music*


The Next Morning...

ARAVIS (exasperated): These clumsy transitions are not necessary, Kaiyoz! You can just state them in your next sentence!

Legolas chewed idly on his rag as his father tried to feed him breakfast.

JULES: Er, Thranduil, I don't think you want to try and stuff food AND a rag in his mouth; he could choke.
CHESTERFIELD (hopefully): Hey, maybe Thranduil's actually on our side.


He refused all attempts to take away his chew toy

ARAVIS (laughing): I can just picture Legolas holding this toy in his mouth and growling like a dog.
BORIS: Hey, that comparison is an insult to the dog's intelligence, Aravis!


and food was not on his priority list.

JULES (gasp): Legolas can actually write?! Why, the little bastard's a prodigy! Why didn't Kaiyoz mention this before?!

After a few moments the elfling the elfling signed the word food,

*Laughter*
CHESTERFIELD: It's obvious Kaiyoz doesn't read over her chapters before posting.
JULES: Probably because if she did, she'd be blind as well as deaf.


in which Thranduil handed him a cheese slice.

BORIS (grimace): Let me guess; it was a slice of American cheese.
JULES: Actually, it was Mirkwood cheese. It's a lot like American cheese, but with even less real cheese in it...and more spider guts.


He may not have been with his children through their first part of their life

ARAVIS (exaggerated patience): Probably because he was TOO BUSY BEING A KING!
CHESTERFIELD: Seriously: did Thranduil also get kicked in the head by a horse?


but he did remember the constant crying and his wife desperately trying to find what would make them happy.

BORIS: Spoiling them rotten...stuffing their faces with sweets...

This child seemed easier possibly because he could communicate what he wanted rather than scream.

JULES: Aw, how wonderful! Legolas is SO much better and more advanced than those hearing children! Who'd have thought the poor thing could live in this cruel, cruel world! Tee-hee! Kill me.
BORIS: You know, for someone who supposedly knows a lot about deafness, Kaiyoz is being awfully...patronizing towards deaf children.


Thranduil saw a vast improvement everyday of the infants signing ability.

ARAVIS: He had no idea where Legolas had learned to put up his middle finger at people, though. Somehow he'd have to make Legolas un-learn that.

Other members of the household were also beginning to pick it up as well.

CHESTERFIELD: So since these Elves apparently don't drink wine and feast now, how could Bilbo have freed the Dwarves from prison?
JULES: I bet the Dwarves just unlocked the doors and walked out. Thranduil and the guards were so busy obsessing over Legolas they didn't even notice.


TBC...
(Another short chapter. I'm sorry!

ARAVIS: We're not.

The next chapter is going to have some actual plot to it (I hope).

BORIS (ominously): Someone eats all the chocolate pudding! But food is very important for baby Legolas! How and what will he eat?!
*gasps of mock horror*


He will be a toddler.)

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, that's REALLY exciting! I'm hyperventilating already!
JULES: Does anybody mind if I go smother myself with a pillow right now?
ARAVIS: I'm surprised you haven't done it already.
*all exit the theater*


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(Wo)man on a Mission
Chapter 4

ARAVIS (sigh): What exciting plot twists await us this time?
JULES: Hmmm…it said online this chapter is called "Protective".
ARAVIS (groan): Oh, that's going to be loads of fun.


Disclaimer: I do NOT claim anything that is not recognized by the public as J.R. Tolkien's work.

JULES: Kaiyoz, you just said you DO claim stuff recognized by the public as his work.
BORIS: Hey, who's J.R. Tolkien? Is he the same as that J.R.R. Tolkien we keep hearing about?
JULES: Not a chance.


Plot line is mine.

CHESTERFIELD: What plot line?!

Please READ!

JULES: Like I've said many times, we don't have a choice.

A/N: For those of us in the deaf world this doesn't really need to be said.

BORIS (laughing): The deaf have their own separate world?
CHESTERFIELD: You know, Kaiyoz, maybe if you joined us in the REAL world instead…


But hearing people who use sign language tend to talk while signing so when I write, Nataget said to Legolas, it means he may have spoken but he signed as well.

ARAVIS: Oh, fascinating…why are we supposed to care?
JULES (rolling her eyes): Because Kaiyoz thinks these explanations make things clearer when they really screw them up worse.


At least all my friends move their lips when they sign. I don't. Not all the time.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, Boris, ask me if I give a shit.
BORIS: Nope. I'm not biting.


But I will try to make sure Legolas never says' anything but technically he does say things just not with his mouth.

JULES: Kaiyoz, I have news for you: we don't give a fat flying fuck whether Legolas says things with his mouth, his hands, or his anus. We DO, however, give a fuck about how BORING AND POINTLESS this story is!

(Hmmm... this is a conundrum.

BORIS: No, it's really not. Legolas uses sign language. It's that simple.
CHESTERFIELD (as Kaiyoz): Hmmm…Legolas needs food, and seizures are stressful…now those are REAL conundrums.


If anyone has a problem understanding what I mean just leave a review and I'll try to address it in the next chapter.)

ARAVIS: Er…judging from your "explanation" above, I don't think we want to read it, Kaiyoz.

Another point in question is ASL and SEE which are two forms of sign language (in America)

JULES (cringe): Why are these badfic authors always American? It makes us seem like a country of idiots.
BORIS: Well, technically, you are.
JULES: Shut up.


and you don't always use perfect English, so does Legolas speak perfect English or not. You decide.

CHESTERFIELD: If you're writing his dialogue, Kaiyoz? Not likely.
ARAVIS: What would bad writing look like in sign language? Would it just be mindless hand-flapping?


P.S. In my story young elves don't have a lot of resistance to the weather.

ALL: Uh…what?
JULES (hopefully): Sweet! Does this mean Legolas is gonna freeze or burn to death?


Several Years Later...

*Jules hums "Final Sacrifice" theme*
CHESTERFIELD: Several years after the author's note?


Toddler Legolas stood shakily on his legs

BORIS (laughing): I love how she keeps calling him "Baby Legolas" and "Toddler Legolas"…like those are his first names.
ARAVIS: So is she going to call him "Adult Legolas" once he grows up?


moving with a robotic motion across the floor to latch onto his father's leg,

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas, dalek): Exterminate with extreme prejudice...

then to the table. The tiny' infant had grown into a small toddler

JULES: Yeah, Kaiyoz, I kind of figured that out from the name "Toddler Legolas".

still mastering the step-by-step process of walking.

ARAVIS (deadpan): Ha, ha…funny, Kaiyoz.

When baby Legolas had first begun to crawl

BORIS: Aw, man, and Kaiyoz didn't bother telling us about it? Come on, Kaiyoz: spare us nothing!

Thranduil had had little worries just keeping an eye on the infant and keeping him from grabbing things that weren't his.

CHESTERFIELD: He worried more about Legolas's habit of licking dirty socks.

If he had a seizure he would just be able to lay on the ground with no problems.

JULES: Except for the goddamn SEIZURE!
ARAVIS: You'd think the Elves would be EMBARRASSED by these seizures.


But Thranduil spotted a huge problem when Legolas had first stood up.

CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): Oh, gross, he's got a huge green stain on his crotch! What has he been doing?!

A child's, nor anyone's, head was not meant to hit the ground from a height.

JULES: Yes, you moron, that would be why people don't constantly tip over.
BORIS: Is Kaiyoz going to say "The moon was not meant to rise during the day" next?


It was near impossible to know when he would have a seizure or what would set them off.

ARAVIS: Oh, if you're so worried, just tie him up in a bed somewhere.

If he happened to be climbing the stairs or riding a horse, the fall could be fatal.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, yeah; every toddler learns to ride a horse as soon as they can walk.

That's when the King had posted guardians to watch over Legolas.

JULES (clutching her forehead): You have got to be kidding me.
BORIS: If Legolas lived today, his dad would make him wear kneepads and headgear out on the street.
ARAVIS: Meanwhile, armies of Orcs and Haradrim were overrunning Mirkwood…not that anyone cared.


He was constantly moving and only the most trusted were selected, knowing they could be carrying a child's life in their hands and their own.

JULES: Okay, this is just pathetic. Seriously; why is Thranduil such a wishy-washy moron in this?
CHESTERFIELD: I'd feel bad for Legolas if he had a personality.
BORIS: If I were there, I'd kill Legolas just to spite Thranduil and his cronies.


So far there had been no serious problems but the young elf was becoming more mobile by the day.

ARAVIS (as Thranduil): Oh, no, we've got to chain him up in a cat basket!

A door ajar could quickly become an escape route

JULES (throwing up her hands): So how is Legolas different from Thranduil's other kids…oh, fuck it.
CHESTERFIELD: How about you CLOSE THE DOORS.


and the prince could be halfway across the vast palace before anyone noticed.

JULES (deep breathing): Kaiyoz, read my lips. THE. MIRKWOOD. ELVES. DO. NOT. LIVE. IN. A. PALACE. Read "The Hobbit".
BORIS: Maybe in this case "palace" is a code word for the caves.


His sign language vocabulary was nearly clear enough to understand about what the average elf could understand of a speaking elf-child his age.

CHESTERFIELD (nodding slowly): Right.
JULES: Any of you figure that out?
OTHERS: No.


He sometimes gestured to himself but many healer's assured the King this was normal

ARAVIS: I thought Legolas was the first deaf Elf! How could they possibly know?

and that many children babbled to themselves or toys.

JULES (getting angry): THRANDUIL HAD FIVE OTHER KIDS. HE WOULD ALREADY KNOW THIS!

Legolas, the King jumped out of his council seat

CHESTERFIELD: Whoa! What happened?
ARAVIS: Er…did we jump ahead fifty years?
BORIS: Did Thranduil suddenly die or something?


and grabbed his baby's hand as he reached for the steaming tea pot on the table.

BORIS: Now Legolas has a kid? What's going on here?
JULES: I dunno…I'll just sit back and enjoy the fail.


No, no, he signed, Hot, bad. No touch.

CHESTERFIELD ("Young Frankenstein" monster): FIRE! BAD!

Drink, Legolas motioned back, pointing at the tea.

ARAVIS: All right, so I guess Legolas wants to drink and Thranduil is trying to stop him…but Kaiyoz referred to Legolas as the King…*sigh*…I have no idea what's going on.
JULES: Don't worry; none of us do.


Picking the child up he pulled a water flask out and held it to the small one's lips.

BORIS (as Thranduil): Presto, va-voom! I produced a water flask out of thin air!
*others applaud*


Relaxing back into his seat he let the small child greedily chug the water, while he finished the council meeting.

JULES: Now what the hell is Legolas doing at the council meeting?!
CHESTERFIELD: So Thranduil has about five hundred people watching Legolas, and yet none of them can watch him during Thranduil's council meetings?


My Lord, Anaran, one of his most trusted advisor's said, after all the others had left, you need to

ARAVIS: Learn to use quotation marks and apostrophes correctly. This story is making our eyes bleed.

let other's take care of Legolas.

ARAVIS (shrug): All right, that's also a good suggestion.

What is the point of the guardians, if the boy is always with you or the crown prince?

JULES (gasp): Oh, my God, I don't believe it. A person with a brain in this story!
CHESTERFIELD: Go, Anaran, go!


Do not tell me how to raise MY child, councilmen, Thranduil huffed,

CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil, huffily): Bitch.
ARAVIS (other councilmen): Er…your Majesty, we didn't say anything.


settling the squirming toddler more firmly on his hip.

BORIS (as Legolas): Er…Dad…oof...too...tight…let…me…go…

He moved out onto the balcony where the sun was very intense.

JULES (steamed): Jesus Christ, Kaiyoz; are you trying to make SURE this isn't set in Mirkwood?!

It was quite a warm day the young princeling was dressed in naught but leggings and a sleeveless undershirt.

*everyone yawns*
BORIS (announcer): The latest baby and toddler fashions, next up on "What Not to Wear: The Mirkwood Edition"!


Then how exactly are you raising your child, your highness?

CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): That's "your Highness," with a capital "H," to you, sirrah.

By never letting him go outside or play in the river?

BORIS (as Thranduil): Look, give me a break: I'm trying to raise a deathlike zombie-child here!

By not letting him go out with any child close to his age, except for Ama?

ARAVIS: Wait; who's Ama?
CHESTERFIELD: The kid in the last chapter who had a stupid name and understood "unusalities".
ARAVIS: Oh, of course. I don't know how I forgot it; Kaiyoz has created such fascinating, well-developed characters.


With all do respect, my Lord,

*everyone sighs*

a child needs to explore, his seizures are not often enough to warrant constant confinement.

JULES: No fucking shit!
CHESTERFIELD: See, parents? This is how your kids become nerdy, weak little pansies. Take heed.


The Mirkwood turned on his advisor in anger,

*everyone falls over laughing*
ARAVIS: Did all the trees turn the same direction?
BORIS: Man, who'd have thought Ents lived in Mirkwood?
JULES (as trees): We don't want the little brat getting near us!


Do you know what he needs?

CHESTERFIELD: Um…I think he knows WAY more than you do, Thranduil.

Do you sit up late at night wondering if something terrible is going to happen to him?

BORIS (as Anaran): No, because I actually have a life.
JULES (as Anaran): No, because I'm not a whiny, sissified crybaby.


Do you wonder if he's going to be hurt because he couldn't hear it coming?

JULES (pure amazement): Good God…*cracks up*
BORIS: Geez, you'd think Legolas had the intelligence of a flea, to hear him talk!
ARAVIS (sarcastically): Yes, Kaiyoz is being very considerate towards the deaf.


Until you do, you have no right to judge. Leave my chambers.

CHESTERFIELD (as Anaran): Your Highness, you haven't left Legolas's nursery for two years …
ARAVIS (as Thranduil): I said, leave my chambers!
CHESTERFIELD (as Anaran): But my Lord, Legolas will turn into a whining sissy if you don't…
ARAVIS (as Thranduil): LEAVE MY CHAMBERS!


As you wish, my King, he bowed out of the chambers and left in a swirl of cloak.

BORIS (as Anaran): See, my King? I can be just as fruity as you…*sniff*

The Mirkwood royals were known for the defensive natures

JULES: Oh, you obviously just made that up, Kaiyoz.

and he had not taken it to heart but he would continue to talk to the king and maybe could get the crown prince to agree.

CHESTERFIELD (shrug): You could just get Thranduil a puppy or a pet rock. Maybe he'd fawn over that instead.
BORIS: I think Thranduil just needs a hobby. He should take up bowling.


The youngest prince of Mirkwood wiggled valiantly

JULES (snort): Ah, Legolas's wiggling would become legendary in the future.
ARAVIS: Hundreds of songs in Middle-earth would be written about Legolas, the Brave Wiggler of Mirkwood.


to get his father to release him with no such luck.

CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): How dare that stupid councilman suggest I let my child run around free! Everyone knows shutting him up in the caves and suffocating him to death is the best medicine!

He signaled that he wanted down' and to drop' but his father ignored him.

BORIS: Probably he was confused by all the apostrophes.
JULES: Wow, can Legolas sign apostrophes?


Continuing to admire the dusk view.

ARAVIS: So was Thranduil or Legolas admiring it?

At the peak of is frustration the baby screamed and grunted,

*Chesterfield lets out a piercing scream, followed by a belch. Jules and Boris laugh*

kicking to be released. His father finally acquiesced but followed the toddler in his explorations.

BORIS: Who wants to bet Thranduil would videotape Legolas's every move if he could?
JULES: Kaiyoz, there's a big difference between "overprotective" and "creepy". Thranduil here is definitely being creepy.


Settling on the ground with his horses,

*all look confused*
ARAVIS: Where did the horses come from?
CHESTERFIELD: Are they going to kick him in the head?


he watched as his Ada finally stopped keeping an eye on him.

BORIS (as Thranduil): Must not take my eyes off Legolas…must watch him…oh, heavens; the Mirkwood Fashion Show is starting!

His Adar was always watching him and the other one too (other one = Nataget).

JULES: So just call him Nataget. Sheesh.
CHESTERFIELD: Shitty writing…blech.


He liked to play outside but rarely got the chance and he couldn't figure out why.

BORIS: Do the two words ORCS and SPIDERS mean anything to you, Legolas?

He saw other children playing in the fields

JULES: Wait, wait. Fields? Is Kaiyoz serious?
ARAVIS: Well, she does think the Elves live in a palace.
JULES: Yeah, but I would have thought the name Mirk-WOOD made it obvious it was a forest!


and out with the teachers under the trees

BORIS: Teachers?!
CHESTERFIELD: What is this, Elven Preschool or something?
ARAVIS: Has Kaiyoz even watched the "Lord of the Rings" films?


but when he said Play', his father would just pick him up and walk inside.

*stunned silence*
JULES: Wow. I guess we do have abusive!Thranduil after all.
BORIS: Yep. He'd definitely get arrested for child abuse if he were alive today.


Thranduil continued on his documents

CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): Hmmm…this "Do You Need a New Wardrobe" quiz is much harder than I thought.

before a knock came at the door

BORIS (as Thranduil): Oh, that must be my date! I hope he's lyke totally hawt!!1!

he made a quick check of Legolas and found the child looking at the door as well.

JULES (as Legolas): Please, Iluvatar, let it be child protection services…
ARAVIS (as Legolas): Or the PPC…


He knew the child hadn't heard' it but the healers claimed Legolas would easily feel' it.

*Jules headdesks*

Yelling for them to enter, Nealaen came in and scooped up the toddler

BORIS: Wait…was Nealaen yelling for them to enter? I thought she was outside.
JULES: Nealaen does seem more aggressive than I remember her.


explaining to the king that she would take him to play with Ama.

CHESTERFIELD: I hope "take him to play with Ama" is a euphemism for "hand him over to the PPC".

Grabbing his bunny and blanket he took his nurses hand.

*Jules starts laughing*
BORIS: Now what?
JULES: Sorry…the idea of Legolas with a stuffed bunny and a blanket is really hysterical for some reason.


Legolas gazed happily around the halls as he stumped down them.

JULES (as Legolas, singing): Hi-ho, hi-ho, this fanfic sucks, I know…
ARAVIS (as Legolas): At last! Finally, I get to see some other room in the caves besides Father's dungeon!


Refusing to be carried he stepped down the stairs one at a time with his bare feet.

CHESTERFIELD (bored): So Legolas is barefoot now. Great.
JULES (frustrated): I thought Kaiyoz said this chapter would have a plot! So, where's the plot? WHERE'S THE PLOT?!


Several of the household watched as the unsteady princeling made his way down the stairs with a snail's pace.

BORIS (Elf #1): Boy, we're really starved for entertainment, aren't we?
JULES (Elf #2): Hell, yeah.


Finally reaching the bottom he jumped off the last step with a triumphant hoot

ARAVIS: Interesting; he's an owl.

and landed squarely continuing the journey. He may not have heard all the bustle

JULES: Oh, cool; the Mirkwood Elves wear Victorian fashions.

but he loved to watch all the elves move about rushing with their tasks, especially in the courtyard.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas, stupidly): Duh-huh…watching things move is fun…tee-hee.

They entered the play area

BORIS: "Play area"? Since when does Mirkwood have a "play area"?
JULES: Since when does ANY place in Middle-earth have a "play area"?


and Legolas spotted and ran over to Ama whom greeted him with a hello' sign.

CHESTERFIELD: And a "your grammar reeks" sign.

The 7 year-old she-elf had brought some friends along from outside

BORIS: From where? Dol Guldur?

and having her 3-year-old cousin about was not impressive.

JULES: Which was an understatement. In fact, having Deaf!Retarded!Legolas around was pure torture, and Ama would rather have been captured and tormented by Orcs…I know I would.
ARAVIS: Legolas is three, and he's STILL just learning to walk?


He was seen as odd to the other children of Mirkwood because of his funny noises and constant hand gestures.

CHESTERFIELD: Aw, poor Legolas! If only those nasty, cruel hearing children could understand the pain Legolas is going through…trying to fit in such a heartless world…*sniff*
*Jules wipes away an imaginary tear*


Also the fact that he got shaky often was another odd thing to add to his list.

BORIS: Uh…does his shakiness come from his seizures, or is he just high on caffeine?

The floor had been padded in the playroom so Legolas could play without fear

JULES (shaking her head): What is this, "The Bubble Boy Goes to Middle-earth"?
ARAVIS: Is Legolas actually made of porcelain?


or more of everyone else could let him play without fear.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, Kaiyoz, I'm not sure Legolas could play without fear. Wanna tell us a THIRD TIME?

But that made it difficult to draw especially since all the tables were thinly padded but one.

BORIS: So were the walls padded? The ceiling? Legolas's clothes? Is EVERYTHING in this damn room padded?
ARAVIS: I think even Legolas's food is padded.
JULES: This whole STORY is padded!


Legolas smiled widely at his one playmate and her friends.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas, stupidly): Duhhhhhhhhhhhhh…I like mittens.

Today they were playing House' and since Legolas was the smallest he was the baby and spent most of his time with his stuffed bunny and blanket in the crib, which was actually just a toy box.

JULES (*headdesking*): Playing House. Stuffed bunny. Blanket. A friggin' toy box. Kaiyoz, do you by any chance picture Mirkwood as a modern American suburb that just happens to be full of Elves?

The young prince grew quickly bored of this game and moved out of the box

*Jules screams bloody murder*
BORIS: Seriously, Kaiyoz, "MOVED" IS NOT A GOOD WORD FOR THIS SITUATION! "Climbed," "crawled," "leaped," "jumped"…anything but FUCKING "MOVED"!


towards the hall, waiting for Ama and Nealaen to become distracted,

JULES: So Ama is embarrassed about having Legolas around, but not his nurse?
CHESTERFIELD: I think I like this Ama. She's the second person we've read about who has a brain.


he pushed open the door and made beeline out the door.

BORIS: WHOOSH!
*Jules makes jet-engine sounds*


Pelting down the hallway

ARAVIS (pause): What?
CHESTERFIELD: Did somebody throw him?


he dodged in and out of corridors with a thumping sound, as his feet hit the ground.

BORIS: How much does he weigh? I don't think toddlers' feet are that loud.
JULES: Meh, it's probably all that chocolate pudding he eats. I bet he's at least eighty pounds by this point.


Acting unobtrusively he kept on moving with a childlike gait.

CHESTERFIELD (confused): Huh? What's a childlike gait?
JULES: For that matter, what's an adultlike gait?


Ignoring the strange looks he got from the staff, having never seen him on his own, he moved to the courtyard. It was his favorite spot in the palace,

*Jules opens her mouth, then closes it*
ARAVIS: Can't think of a new way to curse Kaiyoz's stupidity?
JULES: Nah, I just realized there was no point to it. She's an idiot, and there's nothing we can do.


the stairs went up four levels with bridges connecting over the top of the foyer.

CHESTERFIELD (laughing): Wow. I know Kaiyoz made the cave complex into a palace, but do you realize how this would look if it was still a cave?
BORIS: Yeah; it would put Dwarven architecture and the Caves of Menegroth and Nargothrond to shame.


Legolas could sit on those bridges and watch as elves moved under him and go about their business.

JULES: And spit and pee on their heads.

Climbing up the stairs on hands and knees like he had been taught to,

*everyone bursts out laughing*
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, man, when Legolas grows up, he's gonna be such a loser!
BORIS: He'll be one of those kids who still use puffy stickers and plastic lunchboxes in high school!


he made it to the second floor. The child went to sit on the court area walkway,

JULES (as Legolas, singing): Yeah, I'm a marvel; ya know what I mean, and I shake my little tush on the catwalk…

he was more than small enough to fit through the bars but made sure he held onto one to sit.

ARAVIS (deadpan): Let me guess. He'll have a seizure, fall off, and never be let out of his room again.
BORIS: Ah, but it won't be that short, Aravis. We'll have to sit through a long, wangsty passage where Thranduil throws a tantrum about it.


Moving over the grassy section, he was sure he could make the ten-foot drop with no problem

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Now, if I can just find my bungee cord…
ARAVIS: He's an owl, remember? He can fly.


but knew he would get in trouble if someone saw.

JULES: Yeah, and what'll they do, take away his chocolate pudding? Spoiled little brat.

The young one began to get warm after sitting so long in this sun

BORIS (as Legolas): Duh, sun warm! Duhhhhh…

but kept up his people watching, he failed to notice his still unresisting skin burn in the sun.

JULES (screaming with frustration): GOOD GOD, KAIYOZ, JUST BECAUSE HE'S DEAF DOESN'T MEAN HE'S BRAINLESS! DEAF PEOPLE CAN TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES! QUITE FUCKING PATRONIZING THEM!
CHESTERFIELD: So?! Is he deaf or retarded, Kaiyoz?! WILL YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND?!


He also failed to hear the elves yelling his name in the hallways.

ARAVIS (as Kaiyoz): Because he's DEAF! See, everybody? He's DEAF! Does everyone remember that he's DEAF? Good…on second thought, I'd better repeat it again: LEGOLAS IS DEAF!

The young elf tensed in pain and began to vomit again

BORIS: Again?! When did he vomit before?!
CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Urp…too…much…chocolate…pudding…


losing his grip on the bar and sliding off the walkway plummeting headfirst towards the ground.

ARAVIS (smirk): I was right!
JULES: See, I told you Legolas was fat. He probably smashed the bar with his weight.
BORIS: Yeah; lay off the chocolate pudding, Legolas.


Several horrorstricken servants turned at the child's shrill cry of pain

CHESTERFIELD (Servant #1): Who's that? Was it…oh, no, Legolas is having ANOTHER seizure?
ARAVIS (Servant #2): Let's just pretend we didn't see or hear anything.


and watched helplessly as he dropped limply off the bridge, to hit the ground with a sickening thump.

*everyone cheers*
ARAVIS: I know I shouldn't be cheering about a child getting hurt…but I just can't help it…
JULES: Who can?
BORIS (chanting): Die…die…die…die…
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, you think Mirkwood will go back to normal when he dies?


All that heard the scream whether knowing the sound by heart or just worried ran to the still body.

*Silence*
JULES: I have no idea what that sentence meant.


TBC...

BORIS: Meh, I don't know why I'm so hopeful. We know he won't die.
CHESTERFIELD: But at least we can pretend he will until the next chapter.


PLEASE READ A/N at top. Very important to understanding where this story will go

ARAVIS: Kaiyoz, obviously you can't understand that. How do you expect us to?

and I need some opinions.

JULES: Okay, here's an opinion: THIS STORY SUCKS. TAKE IT OFFLINE.
BORIS: NEVER WRITE AGAIN.
CHESTERFIELD: GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC.
*all stare at him
CHESTERFIELD: What?


Also please REVIEW publically or e-mail me. The faster I get your opinion the faster I post the next chapter!

ARAVIS: Don't tell her anything!
JULES (grimace): Too late. She finished this story back in 2004.
*all leave*
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(Wo)man on a Mission
Chapter 5

ARAVIS: What's the title of this chapter, Jules?
JULES: "Stubborn".
ARAVIS: Well, it sounds slightly more interesting than "Protective".


Disclaimer: I do NOT claim anything that is not recognized by the public as J.R. Tolkien's work.

JULES (getting angry): Kaiyoz, you're using a double negative. So you're saying you DO claim Tolkien's work. Would somebody sue this moron already?!
ARAVIS: Remember, Jules: she's claiming J.R. Tolkien's work, not J.R.R. Tolkien's.
JULES (thoughtfully): Well, that's true… (getting angry again)…on the other hand, she doesn't even know Tolkien's name! So she shouldn't even be writing in this fandom!


Plot line is mine.

BORIS: So you wanna show us that plotline? You know, sometime in the near future?

A/N: Ok, since no one really gave me their opinions from my last A/N.

CHESTERFIELD: That's because nobody UNDERSTOOD your last A/N.

I'm assuming you guys don't read these so OK.

JULES (as Kaiyoz): So okay. So, like, isn't deaf widdle Leggy lyke, so cute, oh my god?

Anyhoo, if there is anyone who does read these

BORIS: Now, be reasonable, Kaiyoz. How many more readers are you gonna get when you use words like "anyhoo"?
JULES: Sugar-high preteens flock around "anyhoo" like moths around a flame, Boris.


and has the time for me to bounce ideas off of,

CHESTERFIELD: OW! I think that one idea got me right on the shoulder.

that would be great. Preferably you know a little about deafness.

JULES (triumphantly): Ha, HA! Kaiyoz really DOESN'T know anything about deafness! She just ADMITTED she doesn't! SCREW YOU, YOU INSENSITIVE, IGNORANT TWIT!
BORIS: Okay, Jules, okay.


The young prince felt the intense pain rip through his body

CHESTERFIELD (hopefully): Oh, Saruman, is something finally bursting out of him?
ARAVIS (cringe): No, it's just yet another seizure.


and he relaxed like he had been told to,

BORIS: Yeah, that's natural…wait…huh?

feeling his body slip off the walkway to the grass below.

JULES: Okay, he's still falling off the bridge…WHY ARE WE FLASHING BACK TO THIS SCENE?! WHAT'S THE POINT?!
CHESTERFIELD: Uh, Jules? Aren't you overreacting again?
JULES: No, because he's not going to die! Only his death scene would be worth flashing back to!


Legolas cried when his leg hit the ground at an odd angle sending terrible agony up his leg,

BORIS: Oh, really? He hit his LEG and there was agony in his LEG? What a shock! I expected him to hit his leg and have agony in his finger!
JULES: See? SEE? He just broke his leg! What's the point of Legolas breaking his leg, except to put in ANOTHER useless sympathy scene?!


letting him pass out upon impact.

*uproarious laughter*
ARAVIS: Who faints when he breaks his leg?
CHESTERFIELD: I think Legolas is Leonora's long-lost brother.


From his council chambers Thranduil heard several guards come rushing to the room,

BORIS (as gay!Thranduil): Are they coming up here for group sex? Oh, goody! I think I'll wear my pink tunic and sparkly leggings…I have to re-apply my mascara…

again repeating 'Prince Legolas has...'

JULES: "Had one seizure too many…so I killed him."
BORIS: "Actually managed to breathe without anyone holding him. It's amazing!"
CHESTERFIELD: "Reported you to the police for child abuse."
ARAVIS: "Turned into a flying Warg and eaten my dog."


before the Mirkwood King blew by them on the way to his child.

ARAVIS (laughing): He "blew"? What, he's a gust of wind now?
JULES: WHOOSH!


When he arrived at the scene many had crowded about the small prince,

JULES: "Woo-hoo! Legolas had a seizure! It's not like he's been having them every day for three years!"
CHESTERFIELD: "Wow, he looks dead! That's so awesome!"


whom's body was still twitching slightly,

*everyone winces*
ARAVIS: Ow…this grammar hurts.
JULES: Who actually thinks "whom's" sounds correct?


they waited for his eyes to come back.

BORIS (snort): Why? Did they go on vacation?

Nealaen stood off to the right with several of the children gathered about her skirts, watching as she tried to soothe the tiny toddler.

CHESTERFIELD: With what? A dart gun? I mean, she's standing, like, two feet away from him.

Dropping to his knees, Thranduil pulled Legolas gently into his arms

JULES (as Thranduil): All right…time to smother him. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

and let him ride it out, sending the onlookers about their business.

BORIS (as Thranduil): Hey, he's mine! Get your own epileptic children!

Finally the spasms retracted leaving the young elf limp in his father's arms.

*Jules and Boris hum the "Gone with the Wind" theme*
ARAVIS: Is this scene supposed to be romantic?


Legolas looked around dazedly and finally locked eyes with his father,

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Oh, is it Nealean? Thank Iluvatar, at least I'm away from my creepy stalker father…AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

signing the word 'hurt' and began to cry in pain.

JULES (laughing in disbelief): Oh, now he signals that he's hurt? After five minutes? Is he THAT slow on the uptake?
BORIS (as Legolas, stupidly): Duh…pretty colors. Duh…people. Duh…Dad's looking at me. Duh…my leg hurts. I forgot. Ow.


Healer's took the child and moved towards the nursery.

ALL: ARGH!
JULES: They MOVED?! What, did they BIKE to the nursery, or DANCE to the nursery, or FLY to the nursery?! STOP USING THAT FUCKING WORD, KAIYOZ!


Laying him on the table they gently probed his body

CHESTERFIELD (Healer #1, stupidly): Hey, watch! When I poke him, he makes funny noises!
BORIS (Healer #2, stupidly): Cool!


numerous bruises and his left leg broken with a compound fracture.

JULES: Okay…what about the bruises and the broken leg?!

"I'm going to have to splint it, my lord,"

*everyone stares in shock.
CHESTERFIELD: I don't believe it. Are those…QUOTATION MARKS?!
JULES: I see them too!
BORIS: Hallelujah! Now we won't go blind from reading this shit!


Nealaen informed the King pulling out the necessary materials.

BORIS: From where? Her ass?

"Please, could you hold his upper body still and tell him to drink the tea,

JULES: "This is the best opportunity to poison him."

it will help him relax."

JULES: DAMMIT!
CHESTERFIELD: Hey, who cares? There are QUOTATION MARKS in that sentence! They're so pretty…so beautiful…aaaah…


Trying to be as gentle as possible she removed his leggings

CHESTERFIELD: You know, in normal fics, this would lead to a bad sex scene. Of course, since Legolas is three…
BORIS: I hate to say this, but by now I'd prefer a bad sex scene to this fic.


and wrapped a soft fabric over the tiny leg,

JULES: We GET it. LEGOLAS IS TINY. Even his fucking leg is tiny. YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP TELLING US!

moving all the way up to the top of his knee.

CHESTERFIELD (as Thranduil): Er…Nealaen, why are you licking my son's leg?
BORIS (as Nealaen): Oh…well…see, there was this pesto sauce on it and…dammit.


She secured the splints with a tough rope until movement of the leg was nigh impossible.

ARAVIS: Tough rope? Is Nealaen a healer or a torturer?
JULES (as Nealaen, evil voice): And now you'll never be able to leave your father's basement again! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!


By the end of the work, young Legolas was sobbing into his father's shoulder.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Daddy, she's evil! Why is she my healer? Make her go away!
BORIS (as Thranduil): Shhh, it's all right, son. Just be happy she didn’t put you in the iron straitjacket.


"Watch for an warmness with him

JULES: AN warmness? Okay, in what language does a "w" sound like a vowel?

and make sure he eats," the healer reminded,

ARAVIS (deadpan): "Because food is very important for him."

before moving away to give the father and son some space to recover.

BORIS: Wait, the father? When did Thranduil get injured?
JULES: It's those hissy fits he throws whenever Legolas has a seizure. He's waiting for someone to bring him some smelling salts.


The King took a bottle of lotion from the side table

CHESTERFIELD: Lotion? Johnson & Johnson has a factory in Middle-earth?

and rubbed it into the soft skin of his young son's red shoulder.

JULES (as Thranduil): Boy, that sunburn is serious…I'm going to make Legolas wear armor all the time from now on.

"Are you hungry?" Thranduil questioned his son with his hands.

BORIS (deadpan): "Because, lest we forget, food is very important."

Legolas shook his head no before wincing at the pounding headache he had.

ARAVIS: He breaks his LEG, yet he has a HEADACHE.
CHESTERFIELD: Oh, shut up, Aravis, it makes perfect sense. Really.


The older-elf

JULES: Huh? Older-elf? What's an older-elf?
BORIS: Um…a very pretentious older elf? I don't know.


placed cool rags on his son's head trying to keep him from crying again.

ARAVIS (puzzled): I thought putting cold rags in his mouth kept him from crying.
BORIS: This is the main theme of this fic: Legolas loves cold rags.


No other bones had been broken but his wrist and shoulder were sporting some nasty spots.

JULES (confused): Legolas has smallpox? Or acne?

"Ada," Legolas signed, "I tired and I hurt."

CHESTERFIELD: "My sign-language grammar suck balls."

"I know, sweetheart, but there's nothing I can do.

BORIS: "Besides put you to bed, give you some healing herbs, talk to you to distract you from the pain…"

Do you want tea?" Thranduil asked trying to distract his son.

*laughter*
ARAVIS: Thranduil is so charming in this fic. "You're tired and in pain, and I'm not going to help you…do you want some tea?"
JULES: Try offering him a milkshake, Thranduil; you might get better results.


Legolas answered 'yes' and the king called for the servants to bring them tea.

BORIS: The famous tea scene from "Silent Times," ladies and gentlemen!
*applause*
JULES: Yeah, this so-called "plot" went nowhere, Kaiyoz. Legolas breaks his leg, but he's okay and he gets tea. No character development, no real conflict…TELL A REAL STORY, DAMN YOU!


2 Days Later...

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, Jules, you think this clumsy scene change deserves an "ow," like all Phantom's Ange's flashbacks?
JULES: I don't see why not. Boris?
BORIS: Sure.
ALLTHREE: OWWWWWWWWW!


The Mighty King of Mirkwood

JULES (singing): Hey, mighty King of Mirkwood, don't you have a lesson for us…nah, that doesn't rhyme.

looked pleadingly at his youngest to eat something but the young one refused to open his mouth.

JULES: Obviously Legolas STILL can't understand that food is very important!
CHESTERFIELD (announcer): This story was brought to you by the Anti-Anorexia Council.


The princeling wanted to go out but his leg could not yet be released from the splint for another day and even then he would have to be careful.

BORIS: Hey, Kaiyoz, there's a nifty invention called CRUTCHES. Ever heard of them?
JULES: Oh, so degrading the deaf isn't enough for Kaiyoz? Now she has to insult cripples too?


Legolas continued to kick his free leg into the air and tried to squirm from his father's grasp.

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): HELP!
BORIS (as Thranduil): Oh, I love you, my cuddly-wuddly widdle Weggy-kins!


He had been sitting on his Ada's lap since he broke his leg, giving him the inability to go anywhere.

ARAVIS (deadpan): And Legolas remained a prisoner on his father's lap for the rest of his life. Eventually he was driven stark raving mad.

Several of the younger elflings were being taken on a small outing to the pond not far from the palace,

CHESTERFIELD: Ah, Mirkwood is still practicing its mass murders of children by enchanted water, I see.
JULES (breathing heavily): Kaiyoz, Mirkwood is called MIRK-wood for a reason. IT'S FUCKING MURKY AND EVIL!
BORIS: Jules, if this keeps up, we'll have to keep a record of your Caps Lock abuses.


Legolas could normally go with them, if there was an interpreter available, but today he could only sit still.

BORIS: You know, Legolas doesn't even have to use crutches. He could use a cane, or somebody could push him in a little cart…it's not like this is really Mirkwood, so who cares?
ARAVIS: By now I think Thranduil wants to break Legolas's spirit.


It was a very warm day for the elfling and the heat was beginning to bother him.

JULES: He actually NOTICES the heat? Why the hell didn't he notice it when the sun was shining on him?
CHESTERFIELD: Maybe this latest seizure knocked some sense into his head.


"Legolas," Thranduil said, wiggling his hand in front of the child's face to get him to look.

BORIS (as Thranduil): Does this bug you? Does it? I'm not touching you…

"You must remain still, if you are quite ten more minutes I'll take you to see Nat'."

ARAVIS: "If you're quite five minutes, however, I'll lock you up in the dungeon, as usual."

The prince instantly stilled and waited while his father finished

JULES: Finished WHAT?! What the hell was he doing?!
CHESTERFIELD (shrug): It sounds like he was peeing or masturbating.


and hefted him up to take him to where the crown prince was.

ARAVIS: That's specific.
BORIS: Yes, but did he MOVE to where the crown prince was?
JULES (slapping him): Shut up!


"Hello, little brother," Nat' gestured when he got an armful of blond haired elf.

CHESTERFIELD (as Nat): Oh, yuck, he's been mangled by a pack of wolves!

"Nat', we go play," Legolas signaled as the King disappeared out the door.

ARAVIS (as Thranduil, dangerously): What did you say?
BORIS (as Legolas): Er…I said…uh…we…we so gay! Yeah!
ARAVIS (as Thranduil): Oh, well, as long as you didn't say anything about PLAYING…*shudder*


"No, little elf, how about we go to the kitchens and you can beg the cooks for something sweet," the eldest said,

CHESTERFIELD: "Like sugar-coated bison testicles."
JULES: Wow, I think Winnie-the-Pooh wrote that line. *singing*: I'm so rumbly in my tumbly, time for something sweet…
*Boris smacks her*


moving down the hall towards the cooks.

*everyone screams and tears their hair*

He could rarely beg sweet food out of the kitchens

CHESTERFIELD (deadpan): He was diabetic. See, Legolas wasn't the only member of Thranduil's family with problems.
BORIS: You can read all about his diabetic brother in Kaiyoz's latest fanfic: "Sugary Times".


but carrying Legolas, especially injured, made the women pile him with food.

JULES (women): Yes! The little creep is injured! But you couldn't kill him? Oh, well, you tried your best…have some marzipan.

"Hello, your highness," the head cook greeted when he entered the room.

ARAVIS: "Would you like bark and pebbles cooked in mud again, your Highness?"

"Oh and how is my favorite little blonde elf?" She questioned giving Legolas a motherly gaze.

*much retching*
BORIS (gag): I don't know about Legolas, but we're about to throw up, thanks to you.


The elf in question knitted his brows confused

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Hey, how'd these knitting needles and yarn get in my eyebrows?

but once his brother translated he smiled and pointed at his splinted leg.

JULES (as Legolas): Yeah, I've got a broken leg, and it feels great!

"Oh, you poor little baby,"

*everyone gags again*
JULES: Well, I don't know about Nat, but I feel pretty diabetic right now.


the cook knew a few words in Legolas' language, and she signed the word, 'cookie.'

JULES & CHESTERFIELD (Cookie Monster): COOKIE!

Making him smile and nod his head.

ARAVIS: Actually, as J.R.R. Tolkien was English and Middle-earth is England in the distant past, wouldn't they say "biscuit," not "cookie"?
JULES (sneer): Yeah, but in Kaiyoz's special little brain, Mirkwood is in suburban America.


She handed him a cookie bigger than his hand and smiled as he munched.

BORIS: "Watching kids eat cookies is fun! Whee!"
ARAVIS (deadpan): And…Legolas eats a biscuit. Yes, this…*cough*…plot is gripping, Kaiyoz.


"Does his ride get something?" the dark-haired brother questioned.

CHESTERFIELD: Huh? His ride? They're feeding cookies to the horses?
JULES: Either that or that question was REALLY dirty.
BORIS: Jules!


"Yes," she handed him another cookie not as big as Legolas' but good enough.

ARAVIS (getting angry): We don't CARE how big the biscuits are!
JULES: Hey, do you think these cookies are phallic symbols?
CHESTERFIELD: I would have thought chocolate éclairs would make better phallic symbols.


"What do you say, Legolas?" Nat' prompted Legolas.

BORIS (as Legolas, stupidly): Duh…cookie good.

"Thank-you," answered Legolas, looking at the cook with an adorable grin.

JULES (cringing in horror): ARGH! Don't EVER make the little bastard grin again, Kaiyoz!
OTHERS: Huh?
JULES: Usually when a badfic author describes something as "adorable," it's actually creepy, horrific, or disgusting.


The Mirkwood princes moved back upstairs

*everyone screams and starts banging on the door of the theater*

'towards the nursery for the elfling,

ARAVIS (coming back to her seat): Wait, which elfling? Nataget or Legolas?
CHESTERFIELD: No, Nataget is not an elfling: he's grown up and responsible. Which is why he still begs for cookies from the kitchen and doesn't do a damn thing but play with Legolas.


settling Legolas comfortably on a chair he set some paper and coloring wax (crayons) down in front of him.

*Silence. Dead silence*
JULES: Paper. Crayons. Paper. Crayons. MY FUCKING GOD, KAIYOZ, YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING!!!
BORIS: You have got to be shitting me. This…this cannot be real.
CHESTERFIELD: Do we even have to say anything about this?!
ARAVIS: Crayons? Those toys we learned about in Modern American Customs Class? They don't exist in Middle-earth!


A servant silently made his way into the room

BORIS: "Made his way"? Was the door blocked by thornbushes?
JULES: Hey, at least this time Kaiyoz didn't type…(gulp)…the M-word.


and Legolas looked up at the sudden vibration of the door sliding open,

CHESTERFIELD (as Legolas): Oh…yes…OH…keep going…harder…that feels GOOD…
BORIS: Chesterfield!


startling Nat' with his perceptiveness at such a young age.

JULES (frustrated): Perceptive, my ass. So why can't he notice that the sun is hot? Is he just selectively perceptive or something?

"His highness, requests that the youngest prince be brought to the feast in a half-hour," the servant said bowing out of the room again.

ARAVIS: "His Highness really wants to embarrass himself and his kingdom in front of our guests."

"What?" signed Legolas.

JULES (enraged): LEGOLAS CAN'T HEAR. How the hell does he know the servant was talking?!
BORIS: Maybe he saw his lips move.
JULES: Okay, fine, you bastard, defend Kaiyoz. Why don't you go write a Lego!Sue while you're at it? BORIS: I'm not defending Kaiyoz; I'm just trying to search for logic in this god-awful motherfucking mess.


"We need to get dressed. Do you want a green or blue robe?" the prince questioned already knowing the answer.

ARAVIS: Which was…what? Come on, Kaiyoz, tell us the answer! We've been wondering what color robe Legolas likes to wear, and we can't bear the suspense any longer! Please, in Tash's name, let us know!

"Green, green, green," Legolas responded with an emphatic gesture.

*laughter*
CHESTERFIELD (as Nat): Okay, okay, fine. Geez; I saw your sign the first time.


Dressing and braiding the child quickly

JULES (shiver): He braided Legolas? That must have been really painful.

he moved to his own room to dress.

*by now, the screams are deafening. Jules shoots the screen, which unfortunately repairs itself*

Princess Caleviel came and took Legolas with her out to the banquet

JULES (singing): Take me out to the banquet, take me out with the crowd…
ARAVIS: Here's hoping there are man-eating Orcs attending this banquet.


since the crown prince would be expected to attend with his wife.

BORIS (laughing): Wow, Nataget has a WIFE?
CHESTEERFIELD: I bet she makes him sleep on the couch every night.


Caleviel curtsied as best she could with the tiny toddler in her arms

ARAVIS: So PUT HIM DOWN! Is all of Thranduil's family brainless?!
JULES: Yeah, and who would bring a toddler to a banquet anyway? Idiots.


and made her way to their seat.

CHESTERFIELD (as Caleviel): Ouch…ow…Father, is the barbed wire around the table really necessary?

When the feast began she attempted to feed the young prince whom refused all advances.

BORIS (as Legolas): No…don't touch me…oh, Eru, now that's sexual harassment!

Stating over and over he wanted Ada, the visiting men of Laketown

CHESTERFIELD: Wait…what? The men of Laketown said WHAT?
JULES: What…the…fuck?
BORIS: So the men of Laketown are really a bunch of babies?
ARAVIS: No, they're grown men! Why would they…you know, I'm not going to ask.


stared oddly at the silent pair.

CHESTERFIELD (man of Laketown): Hey, did we just start throwing tantrums like a baby all of a sudden?

The brunette princess restrained her and her little brother's urge to scream.

JULES: Well, I'm not going to restrain MY urge…*screams loudly*
BORIS: Feel better?
JULES: Not much. Suethors, "brunette" is not an adjective! And why do these Suethors always describe characters in terms of their hair color? "Blond elf"…"brunette princess"…do they say "green-haired Ents"? "No-haired Gollum"? It's stupid!


She made her decision she would never have children right then and there.

CHESTERFIELD: I don't blame her. I think any woman would hate having children in the middle of a feast.
BORIS: I'd like Caleviel a lot better if she also resolved to drown Legolas in the soup pot.


"Is there something amiss with the Princess' son your highness?" the leader of the Laketown men asked.

ARAVIS (as Thranduil): Well, he's deaf and dumb, he has ridiculous seizures which make no sense, he's an idiot, he can’t take care of himself, he's a spoiled brat, he's supposed to be endearing but he really seems creepy, he's an embarrassment to our kingdom, he's pathetic, I stalk him all the time and keep him imprisoned, he's boring, he's a Gary Stu, he's effeminate, he's bland, he's taken all the guards away from their duties of guarding Mirkwood, he plays with toys that don’t exist in Middle-earth, he eats food that doesn't exist in Middle-earth, and he's always the center of attention for no reason. Take your pick.

"No, that's my son and he's just being his normal stubborn self," the King replied,

ARAVIS (clutching her forehead): Thranduil, you fool!
JULES: Actually, I think the guy asked the wrong question. He shouldn't have asked what was WRONG with Legolas, he should have asked what was RIGHT with Legolas. The answer? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.


not realizing he was signing what he was saying.

*all groan*

The Mirkwood King saw what dire straights his son was in from begin throttled by his sister.

ALL: Throttle him! Throttle him!
CHESTERFIELD: Come on, Caleviel, hurry up! Your father's noticed! Kill him quick!


He moved down and picked Legolas out of her arms, taking him up to sit with them.

JULES (hysterically): FOR GOD'S SAKE, THRANDUIL, LEAVE HIM ALONE FOR ONCE! IT WON'T KILL YOU OR HIM TO BE SEPARATED! THIS IS NOT ENDEARING, IT'S FUCKING CREEPY AND WRONG! BESIDES, WHY THE HELL IS HE AT THE FEAST IN THE FIRST PLACE?! HE SHOULDN'T BE THERE! HE'S A SPOILED LITTLE PIECE OF CRAP; JUST DISCIPLINE HIM ALREADY!
*Jules abruptly falls silent, panting*
CHESTERFIELD: Jules? Jules? Are you okay?


He signaled to Legolas that they would talk about his bad behavior later, finishing the meal in peace.

BORIS: Actually, I bet Thranduil will just praise Legolas for not having a seizure.
CHESTERFIELD: He'll probably punish Caleviel for "not handling him properly" or some shit like that.


The meal concluded and musicians proceeded to the center of the floor.

ARAVIS (musicians): Hello; this is a little song we wrote satirizing the pathetic, dull Elves of Mirkwood.
JULES (crazy voice): Duh…funny! *giggles stupidly*


Bowing to their King and guests they proceeded to play.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, what description, Kaiyoz! The musicians BEGAN TO PLAY. No boring details on what the music was like or what instruments they were playing or what the song was about.
JULES (giggling insanely): Kaiyoz is a MASTER of scene-setting…


Legolas bounced his head along with the drummers hand, unsure of what was actually going on.

CHESTERFIELD: See, THAT'S the description we care about: more of Leggy's deafness. Man, you read our minds, Kaiyoz.
BORIS: He senses vibration, rhythm…is there anything the little sprog CAN'T do? I mean, besides take care of himself or think or even function normally without someone watching him?
JULES (laughing stupidly): Wow, Legolas would be a regular Beethoven…if Beethoven had the IQ of a cupcake!


When ale and wine were being passed around,

JULES: Somebody drowned Legolas in a vat of wine. The end…*starts laughing and crying at the same time*
ARAVIS (worriedly): Has she gone mad?
CHESTERFIELD: It happens. At least she hasn't passed out.


Legolas was sent up to the room with Lin'

BORIS: Hey, who's Lin?!
CHESTERFIELD: Isn't that a character from Disney's "Mulan"?
JULES (over-excited): Oh, goody! A crossover!


to wash up and be put too bed.

CHESTERFIELD (Tor Johnson): TIME FOR GO TO BED!

The young prince had kicked furiously when they had drawn the bath

ARAVIS (sigh): Oh, he's afraid of water. Is anyone surprised?

but had settled down once the splint was removed.

CHESTERFIELD: Really? He didn't have a seizure?
BORIS: I'm surprised he didn't have a seizure in the middle of dinner. There was a whole roomful of guests to feel sorry for him; how could Kaiyoz have missed such an opportunity?


His father had told him if it was off he had to be much more careful unless he wanted to spend more time with it on.

ARAVIS (snort): Yes, as if a toddler will understand that explanation.
CHESTERFIELD: THAT'S Thranduil's talk about Legolas's bad behavior. No discipline, no scolding, just a warning to be careful. What a parent.
BORIS: So if Legolas goes on a killing spree, is Thranduil just going to worry about his seizures and tell him to be careful?
JULES (sharpening a knife): Speaking of killing sprees…


Bathing him quickly he tucked the half-asleep elfling into his crib and left.

*Jules tries to stab herself in the heart with the knife. Boris wrenches it from her hand*
JULES (tearfully): I couldn't help it. This story…it's so boring…so stupid…so sappy…*starts sobbing*
CHESTERFIELD: Man, good thing Boromir isn't here.


Legolas sat up in bed quickly looking over at the guard, Anondir,

ARAVIS: The guard gets a name?
BORIS: Poor guy. He didn't want anyone to know he was in this fic.


whom was one of the few who could hold a conversation with Legolas.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, you mean all Thranduil's guards, servants, and relatives who HAD TO LEARN SIGN LANGUAGE FOR THREE DAMN YEARS can't hold a conversation with him?

"Sleep, little prince," motioned Anondir. To which Legolas replied 'no'

JULES: ARGH! How long IS this damn chapter?! How much more cutesy crap do we have to sit through?! *starts crying hysterically*
BORIS (shiver): This is almost making ME cry.


and looked for his bunny and blanket which had been left on the dresser where he had changed into his sleep clothes.

JULES (sobbing): We don't care…we don't want to know about Leggy's toys…no plot…no story…
*Aravis has fallen asleep. Chesterfield yawns and picks his nose*


The guard picked them up and handed them to the small elf, retucking the blankets, he laid down to sleep.

CHESTERFIELD (enraged): WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT DAMN SCENE?! NOTHING HAPPENED! NOT A SINGLE IMPORTANT THING HAPPENED!
JULES (sniffle): Legolas went to sleep…(hiccup)…Kaiyoz has destroyed my will to live.
BORIS: Seriously, is this EVER going to end?


TBC... Read and Review.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, thank SARUMAN that's over!
BORIS (poking Aravis): Hey…wake up.
ARAVIS: Wha…did I miss anything?
BORIS: Not a single thing. Come on, help me carry Jules to bed…
*they help Jules wobble out the door*

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(Wo)man on a Mission
*All enter the theater*
ARAVIS: I thought we were finished with "Silent Times"!
JULES: Nope. We've got one more chapter. And I've heard this is the worst of the lot.
BORIS (shiver): Okay, let's just get it over with.


Chapter 6

JULES: Okay, this chapter is called "New Friend".
CHESTERFIELD: Man…I guess it was too much to hope for that it'd be called "Death".


Disclaimer: I do NOT claim anything that is not recognized by the public as J.R. Tolkien's work. Plot line is mine.

JULES (angrily): YOU DO NOT OWN HIS WORK! AND IT'S J.R.R. TOLKIEN, NOT J.R. TOLKIEN!
BORIS: This rant has really gotten old.


A/N: Thanks for all the plot ideas but I really need is someone to evaluate my own plot ideas.

ARAVIS: Gladly. YOUR PLOT IDEAS ARE HORRIBLE. Is that enough for you?

Believe me they are abundant in my head, but are they rational? No.

CHESTERFIELD: Hey, she's starting to learn! Maybe there's hope!
JULES (snort): Maybe you're totally insane.


Years Later...

BORIS: So now what? Are we jumping ahead to the Fellowship of the Ring?
CHESTERFIELD: Silly Boris, don't you get it? We don't need a Fellowship of the Ring! Sauron isn't in this story!
BORIS (retch): Ugh. Thanks for reminding me.


King Thranduil watched carefully as his youngest played in the gardens with neither father nor siblings about.

ARAVIS (gasp): Oh, no! Quick, Thranduil; get down there and take him inside before he has a seizure!
BORIS: Hurry! A mosquito might attack him!


For his own sanity he had Nealaen and Anondir watch closely.

CHESTERFIELD: So did Thranduil invent the security camera?
JULES: Most likely.


The area was completely blocked off even if the prince did try to escape but that was the last thing on the tiny prince's mind.

BORIS (amazed): Legolas is STILL tiny? How old is he supposed to be by now, fifteen?
JULES: Perhaps he's really a Hobbit.


His father had finally allowed him out without any siblings or himself guarding him.

ARAVIS: How did that happen? Was he blackmailed or bribed?
BORIS: Like I said, Thranduil probably just got a puppy. He's got something else to fuss over.


He had a ball and kicked it around running to chase it and then kicking it again.

JULES (as Legolas, weak voice): Take that, stupid ball…ehhhhh.

He was slightly lonely with no elves his age to play with, Ama' was now nine in human years and found playing with boys gross.

CHESTERFIELD: Aw, how cute. Not.
BORIS: Ha, ha…since nine-year-old girls hate boys…since they believe in cooties…well, Kaiyoz thinks it's funny.


He knew there were children his age around but it was hard to be friends with someone who didn't understand him.

JULES: And it was even harder for the other children to be friends with a deaf, stupid Cabbage Patch doll with the personality of wet cement.

Anaran stood in the doorway and watched the young elf play by himself.

ARAVIS: Oh, come now, don't these Elves have better things to do?

The councilman had fought long and hard for Legolas' freedom at least a little bit.

BORIS (announcer): Anaran the Elf IS William Wilberforce, in "Amazing Shit"!

He found it sad that the child was coddled and babied so much

JULES: Yeah, so do we. Actually, we find it more creepy and sickening than sad, but we hate reading about it as much as you do, Anaran.
CHESTERFIELD: Anaran's my favorite character. Have I mentioned that yet?


when he would probably have to be terribly strong willed to grow in a world that favored hearing.

ARAVIS (ominously): After all, hearing people hunt down deaf people and burn them at the stake.
BORIS (sadly): Not to mention deaf people are segregated and enslaved, AND they have to live on reservations.


In a few days, the young elf would start to be tutored and that would not be an easy task.

JULES: Oh, dear God, no. No, no, NO! What is wrong with you, Kaiyoz?! First you had to show us every detail of his teething period and now we have to read all about his being tutored?!

He was a sharp boy already well in tuned with his deafness, quite perceptive actually. Legolas could not yet read but was becoming a natural artist.

CHESTERFIELD: Oh, of course. Of-fucking-course. So now he's going to draw pictures of how he's suffering inside, and someone will take pity on him, and he'll be a famous artist…Saruman, Hallmark movies are less sappy than this!

Thranduil sat up in bed with a heavy heart. His young son would begin his tutoring today and while his vocabulary was beyond proficient he would be involved in a class room setting.

*Dead silence*
JULES (getting angry): A classroom setting? Okay, now I'm convinced. There is NO WAY this story is set in Middle-earth. Kaiyoz just took Legolas and Thranduil, tossed them into an American suburb, and wrote a story about them. THAT FUCKING MORON! God, I wish she'd get beaten up by a mob of Tolkien fans!


Many, including the Lady of Lorien and Lord of Imladris, highly recommended the socialization.

ARAVIS: Why would Elrond and Galadriel even care? I thought they barely knew Thranduil!
BORIS (falsetto): But in badfics, all the Elves are like one big happy family!


He had already been privately taught for two year's now but now he would be entering in with an age group slightly older than him just for classes where he can just watch, like history and art.

*Jules reads the above sentence, twitches, and passes out*
BORIS (Obi-Wan): I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of English teachers suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
ARAVIS (wincing): Or were suddenly blinded.


His math and reading would be taught separately, until he was proficient enough. Art, history, and a new subject would be taught with the other children.

CHESTERFIELD (irritated): So why bother putting him in a classroom…you know, forget it.
JULES (waking up): "History and art"? So Legolas is going to learn about the Silmarils, and how to make copies of them? Cool.


Legolas was smaller than his classmates,

JULES: These men were much smaller than…ugh, sorry. Had a Terry Goodkind flashback there.

and the Mirkwood royal was afraid of what the other children would say to him or about him.

BORIS: Oh, yeah, forget his deafness and his stupidity. What would the other children say about his SMALLNESS? Horrors!

Anondir would be there as a guard and interpreter.

JULES: Okay, now I really feel sorry for Anondir. He doesn't get a break, does he?
ARAVIS (as Anondir): Please, your Highness, don't do this to me! What have I done to deserve this?


As if on cue the young prince came bouncing into his father's room without a knock,

ALL: ARRRRRRRGH!
BORIS: Oh, my Sauron, he's gonna EAT US!


and jumped upon his father's bed. He babbled with his hands to get up' and learn today'.

*laughter*
CHESTERFIELD: Man, Jules, don't you remember when you were in kindergarten and you told your parents, "I want to go learn today!"?
JULES: Oh, yeah, those were the days.


Heaving a large sigh the king moved out of bed

*Jules screams*
BORIS (shaking his head): Even after everything else, that still bothers you?
JULES: Yes. (screams again)


and dressed for the day, ignoring his sons flailing hands.

ARAVIS (as Legolas): GIVE ME YOUR TUNIC! I WANT YOUR CLOTHES! LET ME TOUCH YOUR SHOULDER! I WANT TO GIVE YOU A MILLION SLAPS!

At breakfast, all of the royal family wished the elfling luck on his first day and kissed him goodbye, Nat' promising to come pick him up after he was done.

JULES (throwing up her hands): And you're STILL trying to make us believe this is set in Middle-earth?! Who are you fucking kidding, Kaiyoz?! This is so obviously a goddamn American suburb! Just give it up already!

The King finally pulled up his courage

CHESTERFIELD (yawn): And his pants.

and took Legolas by the hand and moved out the door;

*Jules screams*
BORIS: Knock it off!


Anondir on their heels.
As they arrived at the tutorial halls,

*snickers*
JULES: Kaiyoz, again, you might as well call it the Mirkwood Suburban Elementary School. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE!


Thranduil stopped Legolas before he went into the class.

ARAVIS (as Thranduil): I've changed my mind; you're not ready for this. I'm taking you back and chaining you to my lap for ten more years.

Now Legolas, if there are ANY problems you just tell Anondir and he will take you back, all right?

JULES (screeching): GOD DAMN IT, KAIYOZ, WILL YOU LEARN TO USE QUOTATION MARKS ALREADY?! HAVE YOU TAKEN A SINGLE ENGLISH CLASS IN YOUR LIFE?!

Ada, everything good. I see you at lunch? Legolas gesticulated

CHESTERFIELD: Wow, Legolas's grammar isn't much better than Kaiyoz's.
ARAVIS: Good Lord, he sounds like an idiot.


and at his father's nod, he gave him a swift hug and kiss. Nodding towards the door Thranduil pulled it open and took the princeling inside.

JULES & CHESTERFIELD (gleefully): TO THE TORTURE CHAMBER!

Miss Elindir stood when the young prince and his entourage entered.

BORIS: Wait, "Miss" Elindir? Seriously? I didn't know the Elves used modern English honorifics.
JULES (almost crying): They DON'T!


She had already spoken intensely to the king but had yet to meet the young elf.

CHESTERFIELD (solemnly): She'd drunk plenty of vodka to fortify herself for the horrible encounter.

For all of Legolas' talk, he hid behind his Ada when the teacher came and talked to them.

JULES (as Legolas): Oh, no, it’s a woman! It's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen! Why isn't Father doing something? It's a woman! We're doomed!

Class was still yet to start so at least he wasn't making a scene.

ARAVIS: Really? He wasn't having a seizure?
BORIS: That IS shocking.
CHESTERFIELD: Must've met his monthly quota of seizures the week before.


His father pulled him forward to stand in front of him and he looked at the smiling face of his Teel.

ALL (laughing): Wait…what? WHO?!

Her lips moved but he heard naught what came out.

JULES: And…you fail at old-style grammar, Kaiyoz.
CHESTERFIELD: Hmmm…what DOESN'T she fail at?


Looking up at his father, Legolas greeted her back.

BORIS: So HOW THE HELL DOES HE KNOW SHE WAS GREETING HIM?!
ARAVIS: Does Kaiyoz just keep forgetting Legolas is deaf or something?!


The female teacher instantly knew this one would be a challenge,

JULES: "Oh, Eru, this is a nightmare…I hope I have enough booze for this…"
CHESTERFIELD: "Ugh, I'm getting stupider just looking at him!"


he was looking at her like any minute now she would eat him

ALL: YES!
ARAVIS: Do it!
JULES: Come on!
BORIS: Eat him now!


and she was still trying to pick up his sign language.
Smiling, she lead Legolas to a seat on the far left sid of the classroom.

CHESTERFIELD: "Okay, Legolas, you can have a nice, quiet seat here in the supply closet. Just do us all a favor and pretend you don’t exist."

Tables had three chairs each to them, and his new table was angled in a way he could see the board and her, but also be able to see Anondir and talk with him.

BORIS (Church Lady): Well, isn't that special?
CHESTERFIELD (frustrated): How could Kaiyoz think putting a kindergarten class in Arda would be a good idea?! Just how dumb can you get?!


She had also arranged it so her desk was close by so she could help Anondir explain things to him.

JULES (wincing): This story is physically hurting me.
ARAVIS: Thank you, Kaiyoz. As if Tolkien wasn't rolling in his grave enough already.


When Thranduil saw him seated he turned, with a heavy heart and left.

BORIS (as Thranduil): Well, that's that; now I've got no one left to stalk and imprison. Maybe I can dress a dwarf up like Legolas and pretend he's deaf and epileptic.

There was only one other child at the table and he was one that she felt Legolas might get to know easier.

ARAVIS (sneer): Is he deaf and dumb as well?
CHESTERFIELD: I think he's half-mushroom or something just as boring. He'll be a perfect match for Legolas.


He was very helpful and also tough-minded, not the brightest but a good elfling.

JULES: He's probably a genius compared to deaf!retarded!Legolas, though.

The bell chimed deeply overhead and boys and girls began to trickle in.

BORIS: So was this bell hung in a tree or a spider web?

Galéndil sat down near to Legolas and gave him a strange look, never having seen the elf before.

ARAVIS: Who's Galéndil?
CHESTERFIELD: A new character. Duh.
ARAVIS (exasperated): Yes, I know, but what new character?
CHESTERFIELD: Um…uh…


Deciding to be friendly he turned to the blonde-elf next to him,

ARAVIS: Now who's the blonde elf?
JULES: And why is there a hyphen there, for that matter?


My name's Galéndil, what's yours? the redheaded elfling questioned.

ARAVIS (annoyed): WHAT redheaded elfling?!
BORIS (sigh): He just said his name was Galéndil, dumbass!
ARAVIS: All right, so Galéndil is the redheaded elfling, which would mean Legolas is the blond…oh, NOW I understand.
JULES: Galéndil's redheaded? Is he Maedhros's lost love-child?


The elf didn't even look up, poking him in the shoulder, Are you still sleeping? Miss Elindir won't let you, she will at nap time though.

JULES: "We usually wake up two days later in a wolf den. It's really fun."

The young elf looked confused, and stared wide-eyed at him.

ALL (as Legolas, stupidly): Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Finally a large elf came and sat down next to the boy, and he gestured wildly at him pointing towards Galéndil.

BORIS: "Hey, look! That Elf there has, like, red hair! So ya think he's, like, y'know, related to Maedhros or something? Or, like, maybe he's dyed his hair, y'know? Like, rolling in red mud or something? Hey, remember that time I had a seizure and fell in the mud, and, like, Dad was really scared, but I was okay, so it was, like, really cool, y'know?"
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, Boris, okay.


It instantly clicked for the young elf and he realized his new table partner was the deaf prince.

JULES: Seriously? He doesn't know who the PRINCE of Mirkwood is? I know Legolas hasn't been outside in years, but shouldn't he know anyway? Especially since his seizures are so famous?
ARAVIS: Yes, and since this is a prince, should not Galéndil be more respectful?


His mother had told him about him but actually sitting next to him was a whole other story.

CHESTERFIELD (as Galéndil): Oh, Eru…it's worse than even I could imagine…I don't think I can make it…stay calm, just think about the money…but this fanfic is so stupid…gah, I can't take it anymore!

I'm sorry, the big-elf replied,

CHESTERFIELD: "I got roped into doing this fanfic too; you're not alone."

I am Anondir, and this is Prince Legolas. He wants to know what you are saying.
I was just telling him he couldn't nap in class, only at nap time, and we also get a big cookie afterwards if we're quite.

JULES (slamming her head on the back of the seat): It's QUIET, you twat, QUIET! QUITE is an adverb, as in "This story is quite horrible". QUIET is an adjective, as in, "Kaiyoz, be quiet or I'll smack you in the mouth." NOW GET IT RIGHT!

Anondir repeated all this with his hands.
I like cookies, Legolas signed.

BORIS (as Legolas, stupidly): Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…cookies.
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, just what is with Kaiyoz and cookies? It's starting to get a little weird.


Anondir nodded his head towards the new elf, Galéndil, who was staring.
I like cookies, he repeated.

*everyone falls over laughing*
ARAVIS: Is that the only phrase Legolas can sign now?!
JULES: Good Lord, imagine if he said that over and over in the movies…he wouldn't be Captain Obvious, he'd be Captain Stupid.
BORIS: I think that should be our new tagline: "MST4K: I like cookies!"
CHESTERFIELD: It almost beats "His ears are pointy!" as the shittiest line of dialogue ever.


When Anondir told him what he had said, he took note of the word cookie

JULES (exasperated): Cookies, cookies, cookies…Kaiyoz, is "cookie" by any chance YOUR favorite word? Sheesh.

and continued on with his speech about cookie time, unfazed by the wait for Anondir to repeat.

BORIS (irritably): THE KIDS GET COOKIES; how long can this speech possibly be?!
CHESTERFIELD: Did I say Kaiyoz's cookie-obsession was a LITTLE weird? I meant to say it's REALLY weird and a bit creepy.


She has us line up right before play time and we get to pick a cookie.

JULES: My God, I just thought of something: this story would make an excellent drinking game! Drink a shot every time Legolas has a seizure…drink a shot whenever Legolas for some contrived reason can't take care of himself…drink a shot every time the word "cookie" is mentioned…
BORIS: Don't try it, Jules. You'd die of liver failure by the end.


It goes from shortest to tallest... he didn't get to finish as Miss Elindir began class.

CHESTERFIELD (as Miss Elindir): Now, class, I've decided: we're not going to have any more cookies, ever again.
JULES (as Galéndil): D'OH!


Today we have a new student, he is Prince Legolas, he is deaf

BORIS (deadpan): "And he loves cookies."

and I expect you to treat him with the utmost respect,

BORIS (deadpan): "And cookies."
*loud snickers*


the teacher told the students eyeing a couple of them. Now if you will follow along as I read.

BORIS (deadpan): "About cookies."
*Jules bursts out laughing*
CHESTERFIELD: Man, who'd have thought we'd stoop to making jokes about cookies?


She pulled out a children's book she began to read it aloud to the class,

JULES (clutching her forehead): Oh, yeah; naturally Middle-earth doesn't just have elementary schools and kindergarten, but CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
ARAVIS (shaking her head): How could you write a children's book in Middle-earth anyway? Aren't most of the tales of Arda tragic?
CHESTERFIELD: Well…uh…then the big bad Elf came along and ate up the three little Orcs…nope. Doesn't work.


although half weren't even paying attention,all watching the Prince and his interpreter.

JULES (Elf-Kid): I'm gonna make so much fun of him at recess! Who's with me?
OTHERS (other Elf-Kids): WE ARE!


As she finished the kids clapped politely

ALL (bored voices): Yay.

and she asked them all to draw their interpretation of the book. Legolas whipped out his crayons and set to drawing,

JULES (outraged): THE CRAYONS AGAIN! MIDDLE-EARTH DOES NOT HAVE CRAYONS, YOU DIMWITTED BUCKET OF…
*Boris hits her with a dictionary, knocking her unconscious*


he wasn't sure what a bear looked like, so he asked Anondir.

BORIS: Hey, that's cheating!
ARAVIS (indignantly): I thought Anondir was there to interpret, not to give him all the answers!


WIth the guard's description he built a picture

CHESTERFIELD: With what? Stone or wood?
BORIS: I thought they were drawing, not sculpting.


and then a cave and then added foliage.

CHESTERFIELD: So he's landscaping now? What the hell?
*Jules starts waking up*
BORIS: Think you can handle the rest of it?
JULES (breathing deeply): I think so. Hopefully Kaiyoz won't mention the…um…the Elf credit card, so to speak.


Looking over at his neighbor's he wondered if he had gotten the story wrong.

ARAVIS: Oh, don't worry, Legolas: at least you're better than Kaiyoz at interpreting stories.

Galéndil's picture had a disfigured wolf with no tail, a gray sun, and some giant brown humans with green hair.

JULES: What the…my God…HOLY SHIT, THAT SOUNDS AWESOME! Some astronauts and their pet tailless wolf land on a planet with a gray sun and get attacked by green-haired giants!
BORIS: Er…that sounds stupid.
JULES: Speak for yourself. Why the hell can't we read a story about that?! We could be reading an action-packed sci-fi adventure story, and we're stuck sitting through THIS piece of orc-dung?! Talk about a lost opportunity!
BORIS (to Chesterfield): She's cracked. It's official.


Not wanting to make Anondir feel bad about not telling him the story write,

JULES (enraged): Jesus Christ!
*Boris muffles his head in the back of his seat and screams*


he just shrugged it off and hoped he wouldn't get in trouble.

JULES (snort): Yeah, right. What sadistic kindergarten teacher punishes kids for drawing something wrong?
CHESTERFIELD (shrug): I guess they've got boot camps for five-year-olds. Who knew?


Ms. Elindir picked up his work and was shocked at the young elf's ability,

ARAVIS: "Dear Iluvatar, he's worse than any other child I've seen!"

granted he couldn't hang it in a gallery but for his age it was fantastic.

ALL: OF COURSE!
CHESTERFIELD: Yep, Legolas is a child prodigy and a natural artist. Kill me now. Please.
*Jules and Boris lose their lunch*


She smiled at the boy and with Anondir's cues signed good work'.

ARAVIS (as Legolas): Phew, I didn't get in trouble! Just like I didn't get in trouble for climbing on a bridge where I wasn't supposed to be, and I didn't get in trouble for behaving badly at a feast, and…dear me, I AM a spoiled brat.

She examined Galéndil's work and smiled at him, she thought the boy was sweet but a lot of brawn and not so much brain.

CHESTERFIELD (outraged): Oh, COME ON! Just because he's not a natural artist at age five?! So does that mean I'M stupid, since I wasn't a natural artist at age five?! YOU SHORT-SIGHTED, LEGGY-WORSHIPING BITCH! I oughta fry you like bacon and eat you with eggs!
JULES (getting angry): THIS IS NOT HOW YOU MEASURE INTELLIGENCE! Especially in kindergarten!


Very creative, she commented moving off to the other students.

BORIS (stunned): Whoa, this woman IS a bitch. You don't tell a little kid their drawing is bad! Even *I* know that, for crying out loud!
ARAVIS (clutching her forehead): This is awful. Does Kaiyoz have to make EVERYONE look bad next to Legolas? Even minor characters?
JULES: Hey, at least Galéndil actually created something ORIGINAL. Not like Little-Mister-Perfect-Legolas, and CERTAINLY NOT LIKE YOU, KAIYOZ!


After that the child-elves went through spelling words, and Legolas finger-spelled them while the children repeated them.

ARAVIS (gasp): An exciting new plot twist!
JULES (chipper falsetto): A spelling lesson! What will Kaiyoz think of next?!


Later the children painted the four words with their fingers and drew a picture.

ALL: FINGER-PAINTING! HURRAH!
CHESTERFIELD: Wow, forget epic battles and ancient lore…Kaiyoz knows we want to read about FINGER-PAINTING!
JULES (shaking her head): What the hell was Tolkien thinking, writing about a magic ring and the battles against Sauron? Why didn't he put FINGER-PAINTING in his story? That's where the real adventure is!
BORIS: The only thing that could make this story even more exciting is…are you ready?...cookies!
ALL: COOKIES!


At last it was nap time and Anondir helped to drag out the mats and blankets.

JULES: NAP TIME! MATS AND BLANKETS! Oh, someone help me; I think I'm going to faint from the suspense!
ARAVIS: Do you think Frodo and Sam slept on MATS AND BLANKETS on their way to Mount Doom?
BORIS: Nah, I think they just slept on the ground. That's not nearly as exciting.


Sitting down the young teacher read a story to all of them before signing it.

CHESTERFIELD: So what was this story? A Disney-fied version of Turin Turambar, where he and Nienor live happily ever after?

When most of the children were asleep she talked with Anondir on how to sign and picked up some words she could use in the classroom to help Legolas understand.

JULES: Of course. Legolas, Legolas, Legolas. He's the most important person in the world, right, Kaiyoz? Dear God, just dismiss the rest of the class already if that's how you feel!

The prince curled on a mat and looked at the empty one next to him knowing it would stay empty, as many children avoided him.

ARAVIS: I'd be lying if I said I blamed the other children.
BORIS: Fail, Kaiyoz. We don't feel sorry for deaf!epileptic!Legolas. In fact, we hate him more than ever.
CHESTERFIELD: That's the way, kids: avoid him like the plague! The Stupid is contagious!


Galéndil tugged out his own blanket and searched for a mat, he spied the one next to the young prince and took a chance.

JULES (hopefully): Smothered Legolas with the empty mat?
BORIS (sigh): We couldn't possibly be so lucky.


When he got near he waved his hand in the prince's face

CHESTERFIELD (hopefully): And slapped him?
BORIS: I refer you to my comment above.


and pointed at the empty mat, looking around, silently asking if anyone else was there.

JULES: Well, gee, Galéndil, seeing as how YOU CAN'T SEE ANYONE THERE…
ARAVIS: Humph. Perhaps Galéndil is as stupid as the teacher thought.


Legolas perked at the idea of someone wanting to nap near him and smiled.

CHESTERFIELD: ARGH! The goddamn cuteness…it burns…owwwwwww!
ARAVIS (as Legolas, evilly): Excellent! Now I will rule the world!


Nodding his head enthusiastically, he pointed at the larger, older elfling, then at the mat.

BORIS (as Galéndil): Wait, uh…what? You want me to pick up the mat? Do you want me to see something on the mat? Uhhhh…help me out, Anondir: I don't speak deaf!retarded!Elf.

The red-haired elf smiled and took a seat,

JULES: Okay, we GET it. Galéndil has red hair. Just shut up about it, already!

pulling off his boots he looked over at the blonde-elf

JULES: And we know Legolas is blond! We've known it since the first chapter. Seriously, Kaiyoz: SHUT UP ABOUT PEOPLE'S HAIR COLOR!

who slept nearby and smiled, turning to sleep himself.
After twenty-minutes the elflings were restless and they were called to line up for cookies.

ALL: COOKIES!
BORIS: And now comes the epic showdown, the long-awaited battle…cookies vs. kids!
*Jules hums "Get Ready for This"*
CHESTERFIELD: I'm rooting for the cookies. C'mon, give the little brats diarrhea!


Legolas was the last to rise being younger then the rest and used to long naps.

ARAVIS: In other words, Legolas was a lazy little slacker.

They were lined up shortest to tallest and the young prince was near the front of the line therefore he got a larger cookie.

JULES: Okay, seriously, has Kaiyoz even been to kindergarten? I mean, what kind of teacher would ration the food based on how TALL the kids were? It's like Jane Eyre's school, except even less humane.
CHESTERFIELD: But it's LEGOLAS, Jules. The amazing, lovable, adorable Legolas! We must all bow down to him and give him everything!
JULES: But the other kids…
CHESTERFIELD: Bah, the other kids can starve to death. Who cares?


He then wandered outside, sitting down in a grassy area near the tree line.

BORIS (snort): So were the trees lined up to use the bathroom or what?
JULES: What, didn't you know the trees get cookies too?


Galéndil came and sat nearby, looking dejected at his own pathetically small cookie.

ARAVIS (shaking her head): And we thought Anondir had to suffer in this fic.
BORIS: Yeah, this poor kid was basically created to look inadequate next to Legolas.
JULES: So I guess when they grow up, Kaiyoz is going to replace the cookie comparisons with penis comparisons.


Legolas saw the elf and broke off half his cookie handing it to him.

CHESTERFIELD (groan): Oh, no way.
JULES (weakly): Dear Lord, here comes a "heartwarming" scene…I've got a fresh supply of bags here…


The larger elf looked stunned, sharing cookies was unheard of,

BORIS: Really? Totally unheard of? You mean…there was never an Elf generous enough to share his food with his friends? Like, never? Even in Valinor?
JULES (covering her eyes): We KNOW Legolas is a unique, speshul little snowflake. Please don't make us read it again!


and this new little elfling just gave him half of his own.

CHESTERFIELD (gasp): My Saruman! Despite his deafness, he's SO much more kind and generous than hearing children! Oh, Legolas, we were so wrong to judge you! Please, let us apologize by kissing your ass!
JULES (clutching her forehead): Oh, for God's sake, will you just type "Leggys' teh best!!!!1!" and get it over with?!


Smiling at the other's stunned expression, he signed, hoping the other one would understand, I small, you big, you eat more.

*everyone hurls*
ARAVIS (wiping her mouth): Why was that written in pidgin? I know Legolas doesn't talk, but isn’t Kaiyoz supposed to be providing a translation? So why isn't she…I don't know…translating?
BORIS: I'm pretty sure she thinks "I small, you big, you eat more" sounds cute.
JULES: DON'T SAY THAT! *throws up again*
BORIS: Hey, I didn't say I agreed with her.


Mildly understanding what the elfling said, he remembered the sign that the guard had used, meaning thank you' and signed it to the prince.

*Jules and Chesterfield hum sappy music*
BORIS (announcer): The fanfic that includes the timeless quote: "I small, you big, you eat more".
JULES (gagging): Stop saying that line! PLEASE!
ARAVIS: Well, it’s at least as memorable as "I like cookies".


Anondir was happy to see Legolas interacting with another elfling, instead of in his own little world like normal.

CHESTERFIELD: And we'd be happy to see Kaiyoz interacting with another person, instead of in her own little world writing shitty fanfiction, like normal.
ARAVIS: Do you think Anondir is on our side?


After playtime the blonde prince would go for private tutoring in another room

JULES (deliberately): So, why. Doesn't. Legolas. Just. Have. Private. Tutoring. For. Everything?
BORIS: 'Cause if he did, fewer people would be around to see how wonderful and speshul he was.
ARAVIS: And he wouldn't get as much attention when he had his seizures.


but playtime and nap-time would always be endured with the whole class, for social purposes.

CHESTERFIELD: Yes, the kids needed a new butt-monkey to make fun of, and Legolas qualified.

Legolas ad just come in from playtime and had very dirty hands from playing ball with Galéndil.

JULES (groan): Oh, great, they're playing ball now. So Kaiyoz probably pictures them shooting baskets in front of Galéndil's garage.
BORIS: I wouldn't put it past her.


Taliene had been the prince's tutor for two years now and had never seen the prince dirty from play.

CHESTERFIELD: "Taliene"? Isn't she one of Batman's love interests?
JULES: No, that's "Talia".
ARAVIS: Well, it's better than Ama…Amadria…well, whatever that idiotic name was.


He was excited when Anondir told him the news that Legolas had made a friend with an older, larger, red-haired elfling.

BORIS: He had a fetish for large, red-haired Elves, but that's another story…one that's rated NC-17.
JULES: Now if Legolas had made friends with an Elf who WASN'T large and red-haired, it would have been a disaster.


The End.

*Hopeful silence*
CHESTERFIELD: Really?
ARAVIS: This long nightmare is over?
JULES: HALLELUJAH!
*she and BORIS start humming the "Hallelujah Chorus"


(I plan on breaking this into several small stories so this may or may not be the last chapter.

JULES: Gah!
CHESTERFIELD: No!
ARAVIS: She wouldn't!
BORIS: Help!


But there will be more stories.

*everyone screams bloody murder*

I think I've introduced all the players so only time will tell.

JULES: What players?!
BORIS: Let's see…Legolas, Thranduil, and Legolas's merry army of sidekicks and worshipers. Yeah, that's about it.


I've got so many random plot ideas and I don't want to be confined to just one, straight story.)

JULES: But this story is over? You're sure? Then let's get out of here quick!
ARAVIS: That was horrible! One of the worst things I've ever read!
BORIS: It sucked ass! It sucked balls! It sucked ass-balls!
CHESTERFIELD: It made no sense!
JULES: It had no plot!
ARAVIS: It had almost nothing to do with Middle-earth!
BORIS: The characters were cardboard!
CHESTERFIELD: Shall we head for the booze now?
OTHERS: YES!
*all run out of the theater*



Yes! This shitfest is done at last! Review here.
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