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Silent Times: the Reviews; Let your anger out here.
Topic Started: Jan 31 2010, 05:12 AM (1,606 Views)
jules14
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(Wo)man on a Mission
Story found here.
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Ariel
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CHESTERFIELD: Oh, don't even start, Kaiyoz!
BORIS (as Kaiyoz): Lyke Leggyz sooooo beeyootiful!!1 w/ hiz porselin ivery skinn and percing eyes!!11!!! I gotz 2 matabate rite now!!!1111!!!!1!

Could you repeat that in English. I failed Sue Gibberish. 

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CHESTERFIELD They were hoping he wouldn't write a book about it and sell the rights to the Hallmark Channel; they might have to kill themselves out of shame.

They were worried that he was going to Sue them for child abuse.

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BORIS: "It looks like he was born with his head full of diet Pepsi, your Majesty."
JULES: Fluid? What is this, "ER"?

Those are his brains. They're trying to leak out his ears. 

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BORIS: And so he could get out of Mirkwood first, as all the babies born there were the size of Barbie dolls. Probably it was something in the water.

WARNING: Consumption of this product may cause diet pepsi to grow in head instead of a brain, stunted birth, and 'special' mentality. Do not drink of pregnant, nursing, or you may become pregnant. This does include males. 

Quote:
 
CHESTERFIELD: Sheesh, is there a monorail from Mirkwood to Lothlorien or something? Why do so many Elves travel back and forth between them in these badfics?

There's an airport in the middle of Mirkwood. Children and stunted elves ride free.

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If Linthuin was trouble, Caleviel was his sidekick.

ARAVIS: They were naturally close, as they were the only two royal children with normal Elvish names.

Actually they were close because they were joined at the hip. Literally. 

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knocking the she-elf with several strong butts of it's head.

Elleth! Elleth dammit, get it right!

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JULES (as Thranduil): Well, I'm off to stress-eat and chub up. Anyone want some onion rings with chocolate syrup?

What, is he pregnant?

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He is having a fit or seizure.

More than likely he's hungry, needs his diaper changed, or needs burping. 

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ARAVIS: Thranduil's BREAST-FEEDING him?!
BORIS: Oh, yuck!
JULES: Oh, God, my brain!

Duh. If male elves can have kids it seems only fair that they can breast feed. 

My brain has died and gone to heaven because of this. Egads that was horrible. Good sporking though. .
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Ara's Greatest Squawk
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JULES: He was also found in the cytoplasm of plant cells.


I honestly have to wonder why Suethors/badfic writers in general don't use Elvish names! Honestly - Seara, Glycil? I bet there are others named Glomerulus, Osmosis and Fructose.

If it weren't for sheer ridiculousness, I think the writer's style itself wouldn't be too bad. As it is, however. . .blah.

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BORIS (as Thranduil): *Sniff*...you were such a beautiful slob...*sniffle*...the way you'd clutter up our room and I'd trip over your dead squirrel collection...*sob*...good-bye, my darling, goodbye.


And the rugs made from dead squirrels. . .and the cat eyeballs in jars. . .

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JULES: Eight months pregnant and she wanted to visit a herd of unbroken horses? Holy shit.
BORIS: If she's that dumb, I'm surprised she didn't die sooner.
ARAVIS: The question is why Thranduil went along with her request.


Hmm. . .I'm thinking maybe because our poor canon characters only follow Sues from being under their evil spells (cast with pink, glittery fairy wands).

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knocking the she-elf with several strong butts of it's head.


Ara (confused): It has butts on its head?
Feanor: I have come to realise during my time of sporking that anything is possible with Sues.

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JULES: Wait, I just remembered. The gestation period for Elves lasts a year, and Leana was eight months pregnant. So...she gave birth to Legolas when he was four MONTHS early, not four weeks!
BORIS: Holy shit!


Wow, I'm surprised the poor kid survived!

Also, I'm wondering whether Nataget is some distant cousin of a Plantagenet. Their names are disturbingly similar. Maybe Richard the Third was an Elf.

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JULES (as Thranduil): Well, I'm off to stress-eat and chub up. Anyone want some onion rings with chocolate syrup?


Haha! What about dead squirrel with corn relish? I'm sure that sort of meal would have therapeutic benefits for wangsting characters!

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ARAVIS: Elrond had a seal?
JULES: Sure; it was a grouchy face with furry eyebrows.


I just got this really weird image of the Grouch from Sesame Street. Elrond might have been the true inventor of the Muppets - when he wasn't spending his time running after Little-Run-Away-Angsty!Estel, that is.

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JULES (unearthly shriek): AAAAAAHHH! Kaiyoz uses "whom" the way Phantom's Ange does! AAAAHHHHH!


*Joins in the screaming* I'm starting to think Angey runs a Suethor's Club somewhere on the side, when she isn't terrorising the LotR and PotO fandoms! (That 'whom' business drove me crazy!)

Wow, this really did need sporkage. Nice work! :)
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MackenzieW
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Quote:
 
Nataget


Sounds like a city in Massachusetts. Somewhere along the coast.

Quote:
 
Glycil
: Usually prescribed for blood pressure

Quote:
 
JULES: Four weeks, and he only weighs four pounds? Look, I know early babies are puny, but they're not THAT puny.


Four pounds? That might mean that Legolas was more likely born either shortly after his mother entered her third trimester or just before leaving her second.

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Thranduil's more dark, robust figure.


Sounds more like Elrond than Thranduil.

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With a simple look, her dogs would bring her something or a bird would fly down.


Legolas' mother is Snow White!

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So...she gave birth to Legolas when he was four MONTHS early, not four weeks!


I was close in my estimates...if Kaiyoz was familiar with elven pregnancies. And at that, Legolas would've had a very low survival rate. His heart and lungs would probably still be undeveloped and he's in a medieval world that wouldn't have the proper equipment to care for him.

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BORIS: Well, what were you expecting? An Elvish medical book?


Probably the book on parenting Rora bought Erik.

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Oh...is this a bad time for Monty Python quotes?


There's never a bad time for Monty Python.

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BORIS: Oh, look, a little lost apostrophe!
ARAVIS: Quick, let's help it find its way home to the nearest contraction!


Quatre: If not, we'll take it!

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I the does have another one


*Sighs* I'll go get the flow chart.

Quote:
 
The fact that he's deaf,


Wait...I think I read this on Deleterius...

Anyway, good job, Jules! I hope this was on fanfiction.net because I want to go read the reviews now!
You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot

"Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical)

"Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney

"I wake in the loneliness of sunrise
When the deep purple heaven turns blue
And start to pray
As I pray each day
That I’ll hear some word from you

I lie in the loneliness of evening
Looking out on a silver-flaked sea
And ask the moon
Oh how soon, how soon
Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella


"Thank you, Lord
You have brought us
Safe to shore
Be our strength and protection ever more.
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder


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Xaja Silversheen
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Xaja's Spork Team: *twitch*
Xaja: *wipes blood from eyes off keyboard*

Oh Valar, that was horrible! I hope to heck she discontinues it! Good on ya for sporking it! (And surviving, mostly sane!)

That was quite possibly as bad as Allena. *headdesk*

Good job sporking this! It desperately needed it! That was the only way I could read it at all!
The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? ~Hebrews 13:6
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jules14
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Thank you all for your reviews. I'm a bit late reading them, sorry.

Ariel:

Quote:
 

Could you repeat that in English. I failed Sue Gibberish.


I assume you're just being sarcastic, but I'll translate into English anyway, just so you can see the extent of Kaiyoz's creepiness: "Like, Leggy's so beautiful, with his porcelain ivory skin and piercing eyes! I have to masturbate right now!"

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They were worried that he was going to Sue them for child abuse.


Ha, ha, nice pun, Ariel!

Quote:
 
WARNING: Consumption of this product may cause diet pepsi to grow in head instead of a brain, stunted birth, and 'special' mentality. Do not drink of pregnant, nursing, or you may become pregnant. This does include males.


See, this is the real reason why Gandalf didn't want Bilbo and the Dwarves to drink the water in Mirkwood. You never know when some badfic!rapist will make a male canon character pregnant, and Gandalf was taking no chances.

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There's an airport in the middle of Mirkwood. Children and stunted elves ride free.


Frighteningly enough, this is basically the case in Mary A and Mal's "Mirkwood Adventures" saga, only the "planes" are Gwaihir and the other eagles, and their job is to transport sex-crazed Elf fanwomen from the real world to Middle-earth. No joke.

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Elleth! Elleth dammit, get it right!


Amen to that!

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My brain has died and gone to heaven because of this. Egads that was horrible. Good sporking though. .


Thank you. It gets worse, believe it or not.

Ara:

Quote:
 
I honestly have to wonder why Suethors/badfic writers in general don't use Elvish names! Honestly - Seara, Glycil? I bet there are others named Glomerulus, Osmosis and Fructose.


Most likely. Don't forget the omnipresent Elf-Sues named Raina and Kiara, not to mention their brave brothers Hypothermic, Glycogen, and Tryptophan.

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If it weren't for sheer ridiculousness, I think the writer's style itself wouldn't be too bad.


Ridiculousness, plus the author's lack of quotation marks, plus her confusion over possessives and plurals, plus her misspelled words, plus her sentence fragments!

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Wow, I'm surprised the poor kid survived!


Me too!

Quote:
 
Also, I'm wondering whether Nataget is some distant cousin of a Plantagenet. Their names are disturbingly similar. Maybe Richard the Third was an Elf.


Ha, ha, nice one! Maybe he was Feanor come back to earth. Good theory, especially since western Middle-earth is ancient England. You could actually write a fanfic about this.

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Haha! What about dead squirrel with corn relish? I'm sure that sort of meal would have therapeutic benefits for wangsting characters!


I'm sure it would too. Unfortunately, Thranduil probably didn't want to eat any of his wife's dead squirrels, for fear it would be too stressful, so for now he's sticking to State Fair food. Tomorrow he's going to try deep-fried Twinkies.

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Elrond might have been the true inventor of the Muppets - when he wasn't spending his time running after Little-Run-Away-Angsty!Estel, that is.


*grins* That really gives me a funny picture of movie!Elrond holding a Kermit the Frog puppet on his arm, talking in Kermit's voice, waggling his eyebrow as he talks.

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*Joins in the screaming* I'm starting to think Angey runs a Suethor's Club somewhere on the side, when she isn't terrorising the LotR and PotO fandoms! (That 'whom' business drove me crazy!)


I think so too. Angey's attitude about royalty caring for babies (seriously, a duke burping his baby and changing diapers?! Don't make me laugh.) and Kaiyoz's attitude are eerily similar, as well as the crazy "whom" use. And let's not forget Legolas's mother's uncanny ability with animals; it's quite similar to that of Angey's Sues!

Thanks for the reviews! Since this post is getting a little long, I'll respond to Mac's and Xaja's reviews in the next one.




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jules14
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Okay, continuing with the responses here.

Mac:

Quote:
 
Sounds like a city in Massachusetts. Somewhere along the coast.


It actually does; I forgot about Nantucket.

Quote:
 
Four pounds? That might mean that Legolas was more likely born either shortly after his mother entered her third trimester or just before leaving her second.


Holy crap, I didn't realize it was THAT bad! Still, there's extra evidence for the fact that Legolas shouldn't have even been alive.

Quote:
 
Legolas' mother is Snow White!


Either that or she's a Phantom's Ange Sue--speshul dog sidekicks and a random bird sidekick, after all.

Quote:
 
Probably the book on parenting Rora bought Erik.


Ah, yes, the non-existant one, which has child-care rules including, "Your child is not as important as your crush," "Leave your children in the care of dogs," and "Child abuse is nothing serious".

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Quatre: If not, we'll take it!


Help yourself, Quatre! It's still available!

Quote:
 
Wait...I think I read this on Deleterius...


Yeah, somebody sporked it a year or two ago. It was a very funny sporking; I was so appalled by the fic that I became the first person to flame it, believe it or not.

Quote:
 
Anyway, good job, Jules! I hope this was on fanfiction.net because I want to go read the reviews now!


Go right ahead, but I warn you: only about four or five reviewers, including myself, give her negative reviews. The other reviews all say stuff like,
"omg!1! deaf lil leggy is so cute!!11!" and "omg!1! ur deaf 2? ur a genius!!111!"

Xaja:

Quote:
 
Xaja's Spork Team: *twitch*
Xaja: *wipes blood from eyes off keyboard*


Jules: *wipes vomit off keyboard*

Quote:
 
Oh Valar, that was horrible! I hope to heck she discontinues it!


She finished it back in 2004, actually, and wrote a couple of sequels to it. I toyed with the idea of sporking one of the sequels, but I don't know if I can take any more of this.

Quote:
 
Good on ya for sporking it! (And surviving, mostly sane!)


Thanks. I'm still sane now, but by the end I probably won't be. I've read the sporking of this crap on deleterius, and the last chapter makes the first look like a dazzling display of canon knowledge. Fortunately, I'm stocking up on booze today.

Quote:
 
That was quite possibly as bad as Allena. *headdesk*


On the level of grammar and lack of canon knowledge, I'd say so.

Thanks again to everyone for reviewing.
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MackenzieW
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Ahh, Chapter Two.

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Yes, I know a month early is not that early


True, but judging by what you wrote, it sounded like Legolas was born more than a month early.

Quote:
 
JULES (frustrated): Yes, of course. A C-section. In a friggin' MEDIEVAL SETTING...*headdesk*


Well, C-sections were known to Shakespeare. That's what he meant in Macbeth when the second vision said that "no man of woman born" could harm Macbeth. MacDuff was born via C-section, so not only was he not delivered by a woman, he was also motherless as the women had no chance of surviving a C-section back then.

Quote:
 
crappie


She can't even spell crappy right?

Quote:
 
(experience meaning MORE than one story with good reviews)


That's bull. Some of our greatest writers only wrote one book--Harper Lee, Salinger, etc. Does Kaiyoz not consider them "experienced" writers? Also, I'm sure some of our greatest books have been considered critical failures but have endured. And especially that in fanfiction.net. Most reviews that are "good" are just: "i lik dis storie! Continu pls!!!! OMG!!!!" How are they more qualified as "experienced" if they never improve because no one tells them otherwise?

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Well then fix it! Thranduil roared, after he came out of his stupor.


Seriously, what has Kaiyoz got against quotation marks?

Quote:
 
neurological problem.


Yes, because the healers of Middle-earth knew how the brain worked.

Quote:
 
Or maybe he's with those two blue wizards Tolkien never talked about.


Why doesn't anyone write about them? What were they doing? What crazy adventures did they get caught up in?

Quote:
 
CHESTERFIELD: Probably servicing the Goblin King with her lavender nipples.


Ack! Memories! *Downs bleeprin*

Good MST, Jules. Horrible story.

By the way, how old is Legolas again? ;)
You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot

"Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical)

"Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney

"I wake in the loneliness of sunrise
When the deep purple heaven turns blue
And start to pray
As I pray each day
That I’ll hear some word from you

I lie in the loneliness of evening
Looking out on a silver-flaked sea
And ask the moon
Oh how soon, how soon
Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella


"Thank you, Lord
You have brought us
Safe to shore
Be our strength and protection ever more.
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder


I'm writing a novel!

A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies!

My Little Corner

I'm on Book Country!
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Maevainwen Adaniel
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Master of the Rings
He was born four MONTHS early? :blink: What. The. Frick?!?

Quote:
 
He was so much like his wife

ARAVIS: Deaf, mute, stupid...


:lol: I lol'd

Quote:
 
The elf was no bigger than his forearm


Um. . . Ok. . .

Quote:
 
JULES (snort): Man, Legolas got the best room in the place. He's got a lovely view of tree roots, some dirt, and a mole colony.


*muses* I like moles.

Quote:
 
JULES: His eyeball was yellow, his iris was hot pink, and his pupil was shaped like a house.


*falls off couch laughing*


Oh gods, that fic was horrible. Awesome MST though. I give you the key to my Hard Liquor collection :D

Mae
If I promise not to kill you can I have a hug?

My favorite thing about eating gummy bears is that they don't fight back when bite their heads off

Teddies don't hug back, but sometimes they're all you have...

Joker: You know, there are three kinds of people in this world. The optomistic that find the glass half full, and the pessimistic that see it as half empty. Then there's the paranoid, and they just think someone's drinking out of their glass.

Corrigan: Huh, then which one are you?

Joker: I'm the one who knocks the glass over.
~ The Joker Blogs.
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jules14
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Quote:
 
True, but judging by what you wrote, it sounded like Legolas was born more than a month early.


He WAS born more than a month early, because the gestation period for Elves lasts a year. It's just that Kaiyoz doesn't know that.

Quote:
 
Well, C-sections were known to Shakespeare. That's what he meant in Macbeth when the second vision said that "no man of woman born" could harm Macbeth.


Oh, I forgot all about Macbeth. Thank you; I'll go back and fix that up.

Quote:
 
That's bull. Some of our greatest writers only wrote one book--Harper Lee, Salinger, etc. Does Kaiyoz not consider them "experienced" writers?


Well, to her, they're probably just "zomg!11 teh BORING" authors she had to read for English class. It's possible she hasn't even heard of them.

Quote:
 
Why doesn't anyone write about them? What were they doing? What crazy adventures did they get caught up in?


Because they're not teh smex00rs!!!111! like Leggy and Haldir!

Seriously, it's most likely because they weren't in the movies. To be fair, they weren't in the books either; I can't even remember what "History of Middle-earth" book they were introduced in. But it would be a great idea to write a fanfic about them. I might write one myself sometime.

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Ack! Memories! *Downs bleeprin*


Here, have some rum too *hands Mac a bottle*

Quote:
 
By the way, how old is Legolas again?  ;)


Ah, the age-old question. :rolleyes: I'm going for about 800; I can't even remember who suggested it. I know Peter Jackson made up an age for him, 2000-something, but I don't remember it.

Quote:
 
Oh gods, that fic was horrible. Awesome MST though. I give you the key to my Hard Liquor collection  :D


Thank you very much, Mae; I'll need it.

On another subject, thanks for flaming "The Joker's Destini". I know the Suethor hasn't updated it in forever, but it still needs to be flamed and bashed mercilessly.
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Maevainwen Adaniel
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Any time Jules :lol:

I enjoyed flaming 'The Joker's Destini' so much. It was just sickening to read. . . I loved the MST though :D
If I promise not to kill you can I have a hug?

My favorite thing about eating gummy bears is that they don't fight back when bite their heads off

Teddies don't hug back, but sometimes they're all you have...

Joker: You know, there are three kinds of people in this world. The optomistic that find the glass half full, and the pessimistic that see it as half empty. Then there's the paranoid, and they just think someone's drinking out of their glass.

Corrigan: Huh, then which one are you?

Joker: I'm the one who knocks the glass over.
~ The Joker Blogs.
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Ariel
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CHESTERFIELD: Probably servicing the Goblin King with her lavender nipples.


Jareth...That's disgusting and Elrond is going to kill you. You know this, right?
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MackenzieW
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Resident Time Lady
Oh, trust me, this Goblin King is nothing like Jareth. You do him a disservice with the comparison. Trust me.
You are the music while the music lasts--T.S. Eliot

"Stop the damn texting and pick up a book!"--Grandmama, "The Addams Family" (Musical)

"Tomorrow will be better for as long as America keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better life." —Walt Disney

"I wake in the loneliness of sunrise
When the deep purple heaven turns blue
And start to pray
As I pray each day
That I’ll hear some word from you

I lie in the loneliness of evening
Looking out on a silver-flaked sea
And ask the moon
Oh how soon, how soon
Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella


"Thank you, Lord
You have brought us
Safe to shore
Be our strength and protection ever more.
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder


I'm writing a novel!

A Guide to Fanfiction for Dummies!

My Little Corner

I'm on Book Country!
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Ariel
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Yes, but he's just mentioned as the goblin king. Of course, having personally seen Jareth without clothes on, I can honestly say that the description is wrong.
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Xaja Silversheen
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King of Nothing
*reads and headdesks* Owww... I'm not sure what hurts worse right now, my eyes or my forehead. *groans*

Great spork, lousy story! I noticed that too about the Goblin King.... poor Jareth... *pats Jareth on the shoulder*

*sends Jules and her team vodka and chocolate*

Good luck with the next chapters!
The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? ~Hebrews 13:6
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