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Silent Times: the Reviews; Let your anger out here.
Topic Started: Jan 31 2010, 05:12 AM (1,605 Views)
Amarth
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Rising Again
Quote:
 
By the way, is there even an Elvish word for "teacher"? Isn't "teacher" more of a modern concept?


Well, my Hiswelókë – Le Dragon de Brume's Sindarin dicionary, which uses only words Professor himself wrote in his works, has no word equivalent to the concept of teaching or learning. The closest thing is the idea of mastering a knowledge, usually magical or forbidden, but that is way out of context, here.

Though I believe, while they would not have classrooms, they would have had mentors/masters. They couldn't have learned their crafts by themselves. But if one means "schoolteacher", then no, they wouldn't have had them.
"I dance the dance of the fool
and pray you find me mad
for if you lay hands upon the root
you'll know me, without illusion
and find me guilty of the truth."
-Malkav's Words

"LEGOLAS! YOU ARE HEIR TO THE THRONE OF MIRKWOOD! YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH RANDOM GIRLS IN CLOSETS!"-Glorfindel, "Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around" by crazyroninchic

"Dear Harry,

If Voldemort kills us, we turn into sparkly vampires. Can we panic NOW?

Sincerely, Ron"


“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.E- Albert Einstein

My Tolkien fanfic recs

Anime and manga fanfic recs

Book and game fanfic recs

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Refia
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Quote:
 
ARAVIS: I thought we were finished with "Silent Times"!


So did I! :o

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JULES: Okay, this chapter is called "New Friend".
CHESTERFIELD: Man…I guess it was too much to hope for that it'd be called "Death".


Yeah, I thought you'd know that by now, Chesterfield. *pats him on the back*

Here, have a fridge stocked with alcohol. *gives fridge stocked full*

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ARAVIS: Gladly. YOUR PLOT IDEAS ARE HORRIBLE. Is that enough for you?


Too subtle. :rolleyes:

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ARAVIS: How did that happen? Was he blackmailed or bribed?
BORIS: Like I said, Thranduil probably just got a puppy. He's got something else to fuss over.


I guess it's too much to hope that he got a brain?

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JULES: And it was even harder for the other children to be friends with a deaf, stupid Cabbage Patch doll with the personality of wet cement.


Burn! :P

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ARAVIS: Oh, come now, don't these Elves have better things to do?


Well, there are no spiders, orcs or Dark Lord's to worry about, so no, probably not. <_<

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JULES: Oh, dear God, no. No, no, NO! What is wrong with you, Kaiyoz?! First you had to show us every detail of his teething period and now we have to read all about his being tutored?!


*takes a bottle of whiskey out of the fridge and hands it to Jules*

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*Dead silence*
JULES (getting angry): A classroom setting? Okay, now I'm convinced. There is NO WAY this story is set in Middle-earth. Kaiyoz just took Legolas and Thranduil, tossed them into an American suburb, and wrote a story about them. THAT FUCKING MORON! God, I wish she'd get beaten up by a mob of Tolkien fans!


As fun as that is, a mob of offended deaf people would be more appropriate. :)

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JULES (waking up): "History and art"? So Legolas is going to learn about the Silmarils, and how to make copies of them? Cool.


I think you were better off passed out. :nod:

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ARAVIS (as Anondir): Please, your Highness, don't do this to me! What have I done to deserve this?


Thranduil: You didn't polish my boots enough! They weren't shiny and I could see myself in them!

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JULES (throwing up her hands): And you're STILL trying to make us believe this is set in Middle-earth?! Who are you fucking kidding, Kaiyoz?! This is so obviously a goddamn American suburb! Just give it up already!


She could say this was an Alternate Universe and it STILL wouldn't be anywhere near believable.

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CHESTERFIELD (yawn): And his pants.


Aargh! Chesterfield! >.<

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JULES (screeching): GOD DAMN IT, KAIYOZ, WILL YOU LEARN TO USE QUOTATION MARKS ALREADY?! HAVE YOU TAKEN A SINGLE ENGLISH CLASS IN YOUR LIFE?!


I doubt she's taken any class in her life. She probably lives in her parents' basement.

Under a rock.

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BORIS: Wait, "Miss" Elindir? Seriously? I didn't know the Elves used modern English honorifics.
JULES (almost crying): They DON'T!


There, there. *pats Jules on the back and gives her another bottle from the fridge*

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CHESTERFIELD (solemnly): She'd drunk plenty of vodka to fortify herself for the horrible encounter.


Can't say I blame her.

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JULES: And…you fail at old-style grammar, Kaiyoz.
CHESTERFIELD: Hmmm…what DOESN'T she fail at?


Failing? :wasntme:

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ALL: YES!
ARAVIS: Do it!
JULES: Come on!
BORIS: Eat him now!


Cannibalism is allowed? :huh:

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CHESTERFIELD (frustrated): How could Kaiyoz think putting a kindergarten class in Arda would be a good idea?! Just how dumb can you get?!


Very dumb. :nod: Every time I think I've hit the lowest, a new fic pops up that goes even lower.

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ARAVIS (sneer): Is he deaf and dumb as well?
CHESTERFIELD: I think he's half-mushroom or something just as boring. He'll be a perfect match for Legolas.


:laugh:

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ARAVIS: Who's Galéndil?
CHESTERFIELD: A new character. Duh.
ARAVIS (exasperated): Yes, I know, but what new character?
CHESTERFIELD: Um…uh…


Yeah, thought so...

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BORIS: "Hey, look! That Elf there has, like, red hair! So ya think he's, like, y'know, related to Maedhros or something? Or, like, maybe he's dyed his hair, y'know? Like, rolling in red mud or something? Hey, remember that time I had a seizure and fell in the mud, and, like, Dad was really scared, but I was okay, so it was, like, really cool, y'know?"
CHESTERFIELD: Okay, Boris, okay.


It's painful enough as it is!

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CHESTERFIELD: "I got roped into doing this fanfic too; you're not alone."


"Let's escape together!"

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CHESTERFIELD: Okay, just what is with Kaiyoz and cookies? It's starting to get a little weird.


Cookie fetish! That's a new one! :D

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*everyone falls over laughing*
ARAVIS: Is that the only phrase Legolas can sign now?!
JULES: Good Lord, imagine if he said that over and over in the movies…he wouldn't be Captain Obvious, he'd be Captain Stupid.
BORIS: I think that should be our new tagline: "MST4K: I like cookies!"
CHESTERFIELD: It almost beats "His ears are pointy!" as the shittiest line of dialogue ever.


:laugh: I think the cookie monster would like a word with him. :P

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CHESTERFIELD: Did I say Kaiyoz's cookie-obsession was a LITTLE weird? I meant to say it's REALLY weird and a bit creepy.


Like I said, it's probably a fetish. :nod:

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JULES: My God, I just thought of something: this story would make an excellent drinking game! Drink a shot every time Legolas has a seizure…drink a shot whenever Legolas for some contrived reason can't take care of himself…drink a shot every time the word "cookie" is mentioned…
BORIS: Don't try it, Jules. You'd die of liver failure by the end.


Very true, Boris. Though it would make an effective form of torture. Or suicide by alcohol.

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BORIS (deadpan): "And cookies."
*loud snickers*


Oh Boris, don't you start, too! :rofl:

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BORIS (deadpan): "About cookies."
*Jules bursts out laughing*
CHESTERFIELD: Man, who'd have thought we'd stoop to making jokes about cookies?


Badfics tend to lower your standards. :nod:

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JULES (outraged): THE CRAYONS AGAIN! MIDDLE-EARTH DOES NOT HAVE CRAYONS, YOU DIMWITTED BUCKET OF…
*Boris hits her with a dictionary, knocking her unconscious*


That was a mercy for the both of you, Boris. ;)

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CHESTERFIELD: So he's landscaping now? What the hell?
*Jules starts waking up*
BORIS: Think you can handle the rest of it?
JULES (breathing deeply): I think so. Hopefully Kaiyoz won't mention the…um…the Elf credit card, so to speak.


Ooh, a sneaky reference, I like that. :P And here Jules, have some more, you look like you could use it. *gives another bottle*

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JULES: What the…my God…HOLY SHIT, THAT SOUNDS AWESOME! Some astronauts and their pet tailless wolf land on a planet with a gray sun and get attacked by green-haired giants!
BORIS: Er…that sounds stupid.
JULES: Speak for yourself. Why the hell can't we read a story about that?! We could be reading an action-packed sci-fi adventure story, and we're stuck sitting through THIS piece of orc-dung?! Talk about a lost opportunity!
BORIS (to Chesterfield): She's cracked. It's official.


Cracked. Or drunk! :P Can't say I blame her either way.

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ALL: OF COURSE!
CHESTERFIELD: Yep, Legolas is a child prodigy and a natural artist. Kill me now. Please.
*Jules and Boris lose their lunch*


Is it sad if I say that I'm not in the least bit horrified anymore because I was SO expecting this "plottwist"? :huh:

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CHESTERFIELD (outraged): Oh, COME ON! Just because he's not a natural artist at age five?! So does that mean I'M stupid, since I wasn't a natural artist at age five?! YOU SHORT-SIGHTED, LEGGY-WORSHIPING BITCH! I oughta fry you like bacon and eat you with eggs!
JULES (getting angry): THIS IS NOT HOW YOU MEASURE INTELLIGENCE! Especially in kindergarten!


And breathe, guy and girl! *opens the fridge* Whiskey? :)

Quote:
 
ALL: FINGER-PAINTING! HURRAH!
CHESTERFIELD: Wow, forget epic battles and ancient lore…Kaiyoz knows we want to read about FINGER-PAINTING!
JULES (shaking her head): What the hell was Tolkien thinking, writing about a magic ring and the battles against Sauron? Why didn't he put FINGER-PAINTING in his story? That's where the real adventure is!
BORIS: The only thing that could make this story even more exciting is…are you ready?...cookies!
ALL: COOKIES!


:rofl:

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JULES: NAP TIME! MATS AND BLANKETS! Oh, someone help me; I think I'm going to faint from the suspense!
ARAVIS: Do you think Frodo and Sam slept on MATS AND BLANKETS on their way to Mount Doom?
BORIS: Nah, I think they just slept on the ground. That's not nearly as exciting.


Stop! :rofl: Help! Need... :rofl: Air... Help! :rofl

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JULES (hopefully): Smothered Legolas with the empty mat?
BORIS (sigh): We couldn't possibly be so lucky.


Most definately not, Boris. :(

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ARAVIS (as Legolas, evilly): Excellent! Now I will rule the world!


Legolas: WITH COOKIES! :evil:

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CHESTERFIELD: I'm rooting for the cookies. C'mon, give the little brats diarrhea!


Amusing. Disgusting, but amusing. :P

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CHESTERFIELD (gasp): My Saruman! Despite his deafness, he's SO much more kind and generous than hearing children! Oh, Legolas, we were so wrong to judge you! Please, let us apologize by kissing your ass!
JULES (clutching her forehead): Oh, for God's sake, will you just type "Leggys' teh best!!!!1!" and get it over with?!


:laugh:

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CHESTERFIELD: And we'd be happy to see Kaiyoz interacting with another person, instead of in her own little world writing shitty fanfiction, like normal.
ARAVIS: Do you think Anondir is on our side?


You've got a friend on the other side! :P

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CHESTERFIELD: Yes, the kids needed a new butt-monkey to make fun of, and Legolas qualified.


They could use him as a football? :)

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*Hopeful silence*
CHESTERFIELD: Really?
ARAVIS: This long nightmare is over?
JULES: HALLELUJAH!
*she and BORIS start humming the "Hallelujah Chorus"


Eru has heard us! :bow:

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*everyone screams bloody murder*


Need a drink? :wasntme:

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JULES: But this story is over? You're sure? Then let's get out of here quick!
ARAVIS: That was horrible! One of the worst things I've ever read!
BORIS: It sucked ass! It sucked balls! It sucked ass-balls!
CHESTERFIELD: It made no sense!
JULES: It had no plot!
ARAVIS: It had almost nothing to do with Middle-earth!
BORIS: The characters were cardboard!
CHESTERFIELD: Shall we head for the booze now?
OTHERS: YES!
*all run out of the theater*


The fridge is ready and waiting for you, ladies and gentlemen! :D

GOOD LORD, this was indeed one of then worst non-Sue fics EVER! No, scratch that non-Sue, it's simply one of the worst fics ever! Right up there with AEL and SIME, heck, maybe even Celebrian! :X Can't believe everybody made it through this, Jules. Or maybe you guys are just used to some things by now. ;)
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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jules14
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Thank you so much for the review, Refia. I always appreciate your comments!

Quote:
 
Yeah, I thought you'd know that by now, Chesterfield. *pats him on the back*


Well, to be fair, it's been a while since we've read this fic, so he's a little out of practice. :rolleyes:

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I guess it's too much to hope that he got a brain?


Please; only minor characters are allowed to have brains in Kaiyoz's masterpiece. Poor Anaran and Anondir. :(

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Burn!


Amen! But doesn't deaf!retarded!Legolas remind you of a Cabbage Patch doll? He's got no personality; he's just supposedly cute.

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Well, there are no spiders, orcs or Dark Lord's to worry about, so no, probably not.


Well, they could at least drink Dorwinion wine, feast, sing...though maybe that's not such a good idea, seeing as how they seem to live on cookies and chocolate pudding in this fic. <_<

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As fun as that is, a mob of offended deaf people would be more appropriate.


Sounds good to me! :D

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I doubt she's taken any class in her life. She probably lives in her parents' basement.

Under a rock.


Actually, I wouldn't be too surprised. Her parents are probably insisting she should go to college or get a job, but I bet she thinks just because she's partially deaf, she's entitled to laze around and live in a fantasy world.

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Cannibalism is allowed?


Hey, I'm just desperate for GaryStu!Legolas to die.

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Very dumb.  Every time I think I've hit the lowest, a new fic pops up that goes even lower.


Same here. Though I don't think I've met another author stupid enough to put friggin' KINDERGARTEN in Middle-earth, so I think Kaiyoz is in a class by herself.

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I think the cookie monster would like a word with him.


Cookie Monster: Me Cookie Monster; Kaiyoz steal job! Me sue her! Then me eat her cookies!

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Ooh, a sneaky reference, I like that.


Thanks! :D I'm actually proud of it; don't ask me why.

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Stop!  Help! Need...  Air... Help! :rofl


Thank you!

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The fridge is ready and waiting for you, ladies and gentlemen!


Thanks! And you too, Refia: thank you for all that booze! We're going to need to drink a year's word to get that shit out of our minds.

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GOOD LORD, this was indeed one of then worst non-Sue fics EVER! No, scratch that non-Sue, it's simply one of the worst fics ever! Right up there with AEL and SIME, heck, maybe even Celebrian!


Wow, I thought I was the only one who thought that! But I'm real glad you agree. In fact, it's on my bottom six worst LotR fics ever:

6. The Pride of Boromir
5. An Elf's Love
4. Silent Times
3. Violation of the Evenstar
2. Celebrian
1. Stuck in Middle-earth

Yes, I think Stuck in Middle-earth is worse than Celebrian, believe it or not.
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Refia
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jules14,Apr 1 2011
05:08 PM
Wow, I thought I was the only one who thought that! But I'm real glad you agree. In fact, it's on my bottom six worst LotR fics ever:

6. The Pride of Boromir
5. An Elf's Love
4. Silent Times
3. Violation of the Evenstar
2. Celebrian
1. Stuck in Middle-earth

Yes, I think Stuck in Middle-earth is worse than Celebrian, believe it or not.

Oh, I can easily believe it, in fact, I'd agree with it with all my heart.. Stuck in Middle Earth is the worst of the worst. It's in a league of its own, which is why I don't count it as the lowest of the low, it's just so horrific that it actually is an insult to other utter crap fics to put SIME as the worst of them all.

Personally, I think SIME is too much for any person. Not to sound degrading or doubtful of your capabilities, Jules, but I doubt even you or Mac would be able to do all of SIME on your own. Unless you replace your entire sporking team a couple of five times because everybody cracks. It's just that bad. :X
[align=center]“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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jules14
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Oh, I can easily believe it, in fact, I'd agree with it with all my heart.. Stuck in Middle Earth is the worst of the worst. It's in a league of its own, which is why I don't count it as the lowest of the low, it's just so horrific that it actually is an insult to other utter crap fics to put SIME as the worst of them all.


Yeah. And to think, before I read SIME I never thought anything could be worse than Celebrian!

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Personally, I think SIME is too much for any person. Not to sound degrading or doubtful of your capabilities, Jules, but I doubt even you or Mac would be able to do all of SIME on your own.


Oh, believe me, I'm not offended. In fact, I think I'd get as far as you got before having to break down and plead for help. That fic is so horrible that I actually feel myself getting stupider as I read it. It is the "Garbage Pail Kids" or the "Star Wars Holiday Special" of LotR fics.
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