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| MST: Aratoamin, Legolas [MST]; A Legomance with a sort of psychic Sue. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 18 2010, 08:21 PM (747 Views) | |
| Caranthol | Jun 18 2010, 08:21 PM Post #1 |
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At Journey's End
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MST: Aratoamin, Legolas Author: Caranthol Rating: PG-13 (or something like that) Genre: Parody Text it is based on: MST: Aratoamin, Legolas by Alexis loves you4554 of ffnet. Characters: Sporkers: Faramir, Eowyn, Pippin, Joachim Kraut (OC), Katherine Sturm (OC), Mouth of Sauron. Original story: Liliana (aka Mary Sue), The Fellowship, Elrond etc.. Summary: A Tenth Walker story, featuring an Elven! Sue who can sense by touching people how she's going to get along with them. Warnings: Slight Gimli-bashing, creeper!Boromir, hateful main character. You can review HERE. Legolas, Aratoamin by Alexis loves you4554 1. Distinguishing Liliana Faramir: Aka Stupidly Named Sue. sat quietly and patiently upon the ledge of the Rivendell palace Eowyn (sighing): To say something positive, that's still better than Rivendell as a city. waiting for the arrival of the dwarf, the elf, the man, and the four hobbits. They will be meeting here to decide who will destroy the One Ring and end Middle Earth's unhappiness. Liliana is daughter to Titus Kraut (deadpan): ...Flavius Vespasianus, the Emperor of Rome... and Kätchen (deadpan): ...Princess Berenike... Lucinda, her father was a great warrior to Rivendell, killed in battle. Her mother, Lucinda, died months later from the grief of her husbands death. Leaving Liliana an alone and orphaned elleth. All (wipe fake tears.) Pippin (deadpan): *Sniff* These generic sob stories always touch me so deeply. She has extrodinary powers-able to tell how she will relate with the person by a simple touch to their skin. Mouth: And another ability, too – to destroy every suspense this fic might otherwise have. Kraut: Wow, that must be the stupidest power I've ever seen in a Sue. She is also a very graced warrior, able to shoot four arrows at a time. Faramir (sarcastically): Who could have guessed that? Liliana is skilled with other weapons as well, along with her bare hands. Eowyn (deadpan): Along with her stinky feet and her running nose and... She could see the dwarf approaching now, waddling because of his sturdy stature. He was making his way inside the gates as she decended the ledge and made her way to the bathing quarters of the palace to clean up. Mouth (as Lilianna): Ugh, even the sight of Gimli makes me feel unclean! He's a dwarf, after all. When she sweeped down the stairs with the grace of a cat, she assumed the others had arrived, on account of the arguing of who will take the Ring. She heard the small Hobbit declare that he will be taking the One Ring and appraised him silently for siezing the arguments. Kätchen (blinking): Wait, what? Anyone knows what that means? Faramir: No idea. Unless the Suethor wants to say Lilliana evaluated Frodo's monetary value based on his sieging skills. Kätchen: But that makes no sense! Faramir (helplessly): I know! She was waiting in the hall way now, listening into the room. She heard Aragorn and Gimli step up as protection to the hobbit, then she heard a voice as smooth as velvet, Pippin (dramatically): … a voice which made her soul tremble to its very core. She knew an instant connection with this stranger, a connection that would last... Kraut: Please, stop! It's bad enough that Alexis feeds us that Harlequin garbage. "And my bow." She recognized the voice to be Legolas, prince of Mirkwood. I heard Elrond speak now, on account of me. "I give you our best and fiercest warrior for your journey." Eowyn (as Glorfindel): That's it, I've had enough! First Arwen steals my role and then this bint is supposed to be a better warrior than me! I'll book tickets for the next boat to Valinor. Mouth (smirking): Seems Elrond doesn't feel like slaying a Balrog was such a big deal after all. I walked into the room and slightly bowed my head in respect. They looked at me as if I was completely mad. Eowyn: Well, they all were quite smart. The dwarf spoke causing me to startle at his comment, "She is just a mere woman! We already have four hobbits, we do not need another to look out for!" Elrond was about to defend my name Mouth: But not the rest of her. Kraut (as Elrond): Well, her name is stupid, I admit that much. But it's the best thing in her! So you can't seriously say its bad if we take things in proper perspective. before I spoke up, "With all due respect sir, I could shoot you down so quickly Kätchen (deadpan): And at that point Gimli brought his axe down on her arrogant head. It split in half and brains and blood flew everywhere. The End. Kraut (as Tuco): When you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk! you wouldnt be able to even get in a word of plead." I spoke furociously Faramir (puzzled): 'Furociously'? As in 'in a ferocious and furry way'? Eowyn: Oh, now I know! She's speaking like a wolverine. Pippin: Or a mink. through gritted teeth. I looked at Gandalf, to find him quit amused by my outburst. Mouth: Uh, so he quitted being amused? But that should be obvious, seeing how rude the wench is. I spoke to him, "You have yourself a very brave one here."That got a chuckle from Arargorn, and I gave him a smile. Kraut (deadpan): Yeah, and next they blush, and then their souls call each other by phone and then their auras mingle. The usual drill. My eyes the shifted to the elf prince and strode over to him, grasping his chin lightly in my small hands, "Now this one Gandalf, this one is quit beautiful." Kraut: Now it's official, they are meant for each other. Kätchen (like a TV ad): Lord of the Rings: Captain Obvious Meets Lady Obvious - coming soon in your nearest movie theatre! The prince gave Elrond a look as if to say 'I like her already.' Gimli looked simply astonished, since I had basically called the pour thing ugly, Eowyn: Er, when exactly? Pippin (sarcastically): When she said Legolas is beautiful, silly! Don't you know it's a zero sum game? Legolas is beautiful, therefore Gimli is ugly. Eowyn: Oh. Kraut: On an unrelated note: ”Poor thing?” If there's a more condescending expression I've yet to see it. I spoke to the prince quietly, "Hmm, you and I will be great friends." I smiled. His velvet tone Mouth (bored): ...and his satin cough and his silken fart... broke through the silence, "May I ask how you are so sure?" I smirked rather mischieviously at the question, Elrond answered for me. "Lady Liliana, has beed graced the power to interprut. All: HUH? Faramir: Is this some kind of code? If so, I want a key. By a single touch of the skin, she sees where you and her will stand. So when she touched you, she could sense it." Pippin (clutching his head): Oh, it burnssss! The stupidity... it hurtssss, yes, precioussss! He finished with a cocky smile, proud of the being that he owns. Kätchen: I never knew he owned slaves. Kraut: Must be a weird crossover between Middle-Earth and Uncle Tom's Cabin. All but Gnadalf gave looks of shock. Aragorn spoke calmly, but excited. "Thats magnificent!" Mouth (as Aragorn; calmly, but excited): That's retarded! I smiled. "Yes, it does come in handy every once in awhile." Just then the was an excited cry from the hobbit I knew to be Pippin "Ahh do me lass! Do me!" (Laughter.) Kraut: Pippin, you dirty horndog! You really should hope that Diamond doesn't hear of this. Mouth: Plus, your taste in women seems to really suck. Pippin (sulks.) I chuckled at his display and sweeped over swiftly, "I will distinguish you all, but I say the Pippin has to be first." I laughed sing-songly, and the men seemed to melt into puddles on the floor. I took Pippin's (Kraut opens his mouth. Faramir hastily claps his hand over it.) Kraut: Mmmph! Faramir: There still are ladies present here. hand in my own, "Ahh, yes Pippin." I poked his little nose sweetly "You be like the little brother I have never had." Pippin (offended): Oh, the cheese! This is one of the worst lumps of Limburger ever. I giggled at his proud face. I did the rest of the hobbits, Mouth (winks and clucks his tongue): Those lucky little SOBs. Kraut (hums 70's porn music.) getting the same answer. I then slid to Aragorn and asked for his hand in which he gladly oblidged. "Aragorn, you shall be my protector, and shield me from evil." He was happy with that. Pippin (snorting): I really think he had something more important to do. Like, oh, battling against Sauron, becoming a king and protecting the Ringbearer. "And it will be my pleasure doing so, my Lady." He bowed. I gave him a grateful smile and nod before asking the drwarf for his small hand. "Ahh master dwarf. You will become jealous of me, for I am a better axe wielder, but you shall get over it in time." The room corupt in laughter and the dwarf turned red in embarressment. All (squirm in their seats.) Kraut: I feel for you, Gimli! I really do. Eowyn (angrily): They laughed? Hardly so! Gimli was a honourable, noble Dwarf, not some buttmonkey for a scornful bitch like Liliana! I chuckled to myself moving on to Gandalf the Grey. I gently and politely took his old frail hand in my soft, youthful one. Kätchen: Ahh yes, we mustn't forget she's gorgeous, eh? I smiled greatly at what I saw, "You will become the father that I no longer have." All (roll eyes.) Pippin: Very well, the cheese is eaten, so let's get a good helping of corn. He gave me a smile and I calmly moved to Boromir. He gave me his hand and what I saw startled me out of my whits. Mouth: Hmm, somehow I think I know what direction this fic shall take... Kraut (paling): No! Not a rapist!Boromir again! I lifted my chin disobiediently Faramir: Who ordered her to keep it down, anyway? Eowyn: Slavemaster!Elrond did, obviously. and let go of his hand quickly. I spoke clear and confident "I wish to stay far from you, do to your unpure thoughts." Pippin: Oh, please! I never met a more honourable man. Mouth: How about the little incident with the Ring, then? Pippin (irate): He was overwhelmed by that evil thing and you know it. The room was quiet as I moved myself back over to the elvish princeling. I gave him a small smile "Excuse me for asking, but may I read you again? Kätchen (as Liliana): You're, like, totally funnier than Archie Comics! My last interprutation wasnt quit clear." Eowyn (as Liliana): So I want to paw you again. *wink* He gave me a quick smile and put his hand in mine, "I would be honored for you to do so." I chuckled at his pureness, "You are a very good man Legolas, very true to you companions. Im honored to say that we will be quick friends and that we will make quit All: Q-U-I-T-E! the team with our bows. And you will care for me deeply, as I will you." Kraut: So now we know that Legolas is oh so perfect and that he and Liliana are going to shag, which obviously is the whole point of this story. Logically, we have no reason to read any more of this drivel. I guess that means we can leave? (He walks to the door, but it's locked.) Damn! I smiled and nodded my head. He also did this in thanks. Gimli than spoke, "Okay girly, let us go to the practice fields and see how much you lie of your skills as a warrior. We shall be the judges!" He said spreading his arms at his companion. I let out a small giggle Kätchen (laughing): Wow, this Sue giggles more than a high school girl on both booze and LSD! Kraut: Uh, so that means this is a Reefer Madness crossover, after all? and headed out the door for the fields with all the men in tow, Kraut: Ah, it is an alternate universe! 'The Chain Gang of the Ring' or something. "As you wish master Gimli." Faramir: Ah, that was the end of the chapter. Let us leave! Pippin: I think I know now what the chapter name meant: the distinguishing feature of this fic is stupidity. All (exit.) |
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"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz! Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße. Im Feuer mich baden!" - Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two. | |
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| Caranthol | Jun 29 2010, 03:34 PM Post #2 |
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At Journey's End
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2. Impressive Faramir: What's impressive is that we're still sane, methinks. All ten of us made our way to the practice fields for Gimli's accusations. I danced my way there, Mouth (hums Wienerwald waltz.) taking after my mother as a romantic dancer. Pippin (amazed): Her mother was a stripper? Kätchen (deadpan): How classy. Gimli glared at me while the elf, the two men, and the wizard chuckled at it and gave me smiles, as the hobbits joined in dancing and singing at the top of their little lungs. Kraut (laughing): Why, it's like Tolkien's version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves! Kätchen (singing): Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho / It's home from work we go... I fell on my back in the green grass laughing because Samwise tripped me while trying to do a scottish dance. A pale, strong hand was held infront of my face and Eowyn (as Liliana): ...punched me so hard that my jaw broke to a thousand pieces. I took it and thanked the elf for his help. I laughed and started again, "Come men! Elves! Wizards! Even Dwarves! Pippin: But not hobbits? (A false sniff.) You racist! Dance along, have some fun!" They chuckled at me Faramir (as Aragorn): She really is off her rocker, isn't she? Mouth (as Gandalf): Indeed, my worthy friend. while I tried to irk the elf "Im sorry my Lady, I do not, in any way, shape, or form, dance." Kraut: Someone obviously has read Tough Guys Don't Dance. He smiled. I laughed, "Alright! Alright! But I get you to dance sooner or later if it is the last thing I do, Legolas Prince of Mirkwood! Mark my words!" He laughed at me and I Kätchen (deadpan): ...laughed at him and he laughed at me and I laughed at him and he laughed at me and I... turned to Aragorn, "Ahh, Ranger. You must dance! Am I right?" He laughed and grabbed my hand, twirling me the rest of the way to the practice fields. We laughed until we had both falled and were sprawled out in the grass. Gimli came to me as I was getting up , "Alright Lady, show us what you do." Mouth (as Gimli): That is, besides laughing and prancing like a schizophrenic on speed, not to mention annoying readers. A gave him a smile, even though his tone was ruff. I put my hands on my slender hips, "Alright men, who will be the first to dare challenge me?" I bellowed, putting on a brave fave and squinting my eyes at them. Boromir stepped up, to my dismay. "I, Boromir, will challenge you with bare hands!" Faramir (waves a banner that reads ”Go, brother, go!”) I tried to look stronger by puffing out his chest a little. Eowyn: She puffing his chest? Is that even physically possible? I smiled, "I, Liliana, accept this challenge to Boromir, of bare hands!" He stalked over and we stood in the open area of the grass in a fighting stance. Kraut (as Mickey from ”Rocky”): Boromir, you're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder! The other men had crowded around in circle. I had a malicious smirk upon my lips, and Boromir had a brave stare upon his face. I spoke to him quietly, Legolas was probably the only one to hear, with his elf ears such as mine, "Ahh, Boromir, you are brave. And for that, I shall go easy on you." He snorted and we began circling eachother. He striked first, sending a true punch to my right cheek. All (cheer.) Kätchen (chanting and making waves): Beat her, beat her! I grabbed his arm very quickly and twisted it painfull behind his back, he let out a great cry of pain and I released him, not wanting to break it. He then charged me and grabbed me around the waist sending us both painfully to the ground. I could see now both Legolas and Aragorn being held back by the wizard. Pippin (snorting): Too sissy to fight one to one, Liliana? Eowyn: Besides, why are they going to help her? She has practically asked for a beating for the whole fic. Mouth: Methinks they were going to help Boromir. Eowyn (nodding): Ah, yes, of course. Boromir sent numorous punches to my face, in which I blocked swiftly. Kätchen: Just like in a bad anime, I bet. Kraut (hums Dragonball Z theme.) I grabbed his arm and twisted so that I was now on top of him. He tried to shake me off by standing but I sent a jab to his left cheek. He then dumped me off of him and stood, as did I. He was angered. He punched at me again, and I grabbed his arm pulling so that he was a bit behind me, and sent a strong elbow to the back of his head: Faramir (blinking): Can anyone say what exactly happened in that scene? Especially in the last sentence? Mouth: No idea. I see words but they don't make sense. I mean, how could she elbow him to the back of his head? If she pulled with her right hand, then Boromir would be on her right side, thereby making it impossible to reach him with her left elbow and if she tried with her right, then... uh... (A brief silence.) Mouth: Oh, to hell with it! Let's just move on and agree that Alexis can't write a fight scene to save her life, all right? Faramir: Definitely yes. knocking him unconcious. All: NO! Eowyn: Get up, Boromir! Fight! You can do it! The other men had their mouths hanging open looking at him on the grassy ground, Gimli was about to yell at me for knocking him unconcious when I cut him off. "He was angered at me. Pippin: Well, what do you expect, after you practically called him a creep? The fight would have gotten out of hand and he would have hurt me badly, I needed to stop him from doing so." Kätchen: And how exactly you know what he'd have done? Mouth: The super-duper touching sense, remember? Kätchen: Oh. Of course. How convenient. The Sue must always have an excuse, after all. Aragorn's mouth turned up into a smile as he began a slow clap in my honor. I could hear Samwise's squeek to Legolas, "Now she is not one to mess with." All (facepalm.) Kraut (clutching his forehead): Why can't anyone disapprove of anything she does? Just... why? The prince nodded in agreement, shock still evident on his face. He spoke then, "Will he be okay?" Kätchen: Oh, yeah, now you remember him, after you've given the Sue a standing ovation! First things first, eh? He asked a little worried. I answered Legolas light and simply. "His body, yes. His pride...no." I smiled. Faramir (grinding his teeth): Now it's official, I hate her. More than Orcs. While the others chuckled to themselves. "Alright then, who is next?" They all took a giant step back and I laughed loudly. The elven prince then stepped up and spoke to me, "I wish to see your archery skills, though only in target practice, not combat." I smiled at him, "As you wish." I grabbed my bow and quiver and we set out for the wooden targets. Mouth: Her head included among them. All (exit.) |
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"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz! Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße. Im Feuer mich baden!" - Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two. | |
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| Caranthol | Aug 17 2010, 05:19 PM Post #3 |
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At Journey's End
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3. Smiles and Laughs Eowyn (tiredly): Wasn't there enough laughing in the last chapter? After showing-up Legolas by far with my archery skills All (groan.) Pippin (in frustration): Please, Alexis, give her one fault! Even one real fault would be enough! And not the sort of ”she's so adorably clumsy, tee-hee!” Just... please! and Boromir waking up, trying to lunge at me and Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli giving him swift hit and kicks for him to 'knock it off.' Kraut (incredulously): What are they, dumber-than-normal highschoolers? Somehow I got a more dignified view of the Fellowship from Tolkien's book. Faramir (testily): So, Alexis, beating one who's already beaten is all right, then? What do you really have against Boromir? Kätchen: Perhaps she simply doesn't like Sean Bean. as Legolas puts it, we had began our journey. Walking beside Legolas and Gimli I could hear the elf's gentle heart beat Mouth (laughing): From a distance of a few feet? Sounds like Leggy's heart was about as gentle as a stampeding elephant. and the dwarf's harsh breathing. It was strangely relaxing to me as I started to hum a sweet lullaby sung by my mother. Then the words came into mind and I started singing them naturally, Kraut (deadpan): She had left her electronic studio equioment in Rivendell. getting a round of odd but gentle looks from my companions and a sweet smile from Gandalf. All through the night there's a little brown bird singing, Singing in the hush of the darkness and the dew. Pippin: Wait, there's something strange in those lyrics... They actually aren't crap! Kraut: Maybe because it's made before World War Two. Fits better than a trite pop ballad. Kätchen: Still, I say that if the Suethors can't write their own song lyrics by themselves, then they shouldn't put songs in their fics. Case closed. Would that his song through the stillness could go winging, Could go winging to you, To you. All through the night-time my lonely heart is singing Kraut (singing melodramatically): Crawling, cra-a-a-a-awling in my skin, these wou-u-u-u-unds, they will not heal... Sweeter songs of love than the brown bird ever knew. Would that the song of my heart could go a-winging, Could go a-winging to you, To you. I sang quietly, but loud enough for them to hear. The odd looks Eowyn (as Gandalf): How come she has learned a song that isn't even known in this world? Pippin (as Aragorn): No idea. But say, how come we suddenly behave like rude adolescents? turned into gentle smiles and the wizard's turned even larger. Pippin walked up to me then and spoke quietly, but I could here amazment in his voice, "My Lady, where did you learn such sweet gentle tunes?" Kätchen (as Liliana, stupid voice): I heard it on Youtube. Duh! I gave him a low chuckle and put my arm around his small shoulders. Mouth: Hey, midget, the girl wants to do you again! You must have been quite a stud! Pippin (sulking): Not funny. "My mother used to sing to me when I was young. It was her favorite." I smiled at the hobbit as he nodded his head in understanding and ran ahead to catch up with the others. Faramir: And to get as far from her as possible. Legolas and I were left stragling in the back to keep a watch behind. I could still here his heart beat above anything, but I guess its because thats what I was listening for at the moment. Kraut (rolling his eyes): Hey, no shit, Sherlock! I guess you really were listening it, then. Duh! I lightly put a hand on his elbow to stop him as I walked in front of him and faced him. I brought my right hand up to the left side of his chest. Kätchen (as Liliana): Well, that hot hunk Pippin ran away, but you will do as well, Leggy-poo! Pippin: Seriously, that is not funny anymore! He was looking at me confusingly but did not push me away. "I can hear your heart beat." Eowyn: Yes, thanks for reminding us for the, oh, third time! What's so special about his heart, anyway? Mouth (as Liliana): Legolas, I think you really should see a doctor. Your blood pressure must be worryingly high, what with your heart being as loud as an MG 42 and all. I said to him answering his silent questions. He gave me a slight smirk, "Well I am sorry. That should be quite nerve racking." I removed my hand from his chest and began walking next to him again. "No, I dont mind actually. It is strangely relaxing, soothing in some way." Kraut (as Liliana): I've always enjoyed the sound of machine gun fire. I gave him a little smile that he returned. Faramir (deadpan): ...demanding a refund. "If you speak the truth, then I shall listen for yours." He smiled brightly. "Hmm." I replied somewhat lost in the sound. Kraut (laughing): Sounds like it's not Legolas that Liliana wants to bang, but his heart! Pippin: That, or Legolas's heart has taken hypnotizing lessons. I mean, just how exciting can listening heartbeats be? Just then the dwarf came back tumbling down the hill Mouth: This fic has tumbled downhill from the very start. to us. He spoke hatefully, "Come now elves, your holding us up! Do I have to give ya a swift kick?" Kätchen (with sarcasm): Ah, with this perfectly Middle-Earthesque dialogue I can almost imagine I'm there! Faramir (smiling): Quite so. With that he kicked my shin and I jumped in pain. Pippin (nodding with satisfaction): Serves you right, you hobbit-molester! Eowyn: Oh, Alexis, stop with the slapstick violence already! It wasn't fun in the first place and now it's annoying. This is not Loony Tunes! "Ouch Gimli!" I said some not-so-nice things in Elvish a kicked him back, forgetting how short he is and kicked to high. He was then rolling on the ground holding something very dear to him in pain All (wincing): OWWWW! Kätchen: Oh man, now that was just cruel! Kraut (shaking his head): Wow, this must be the absolute low I've seen in badfic treatment of Gimli. And I've seen a lot. as Legolas guided me ahead, "Hurry, before he gets back up." He murmered laughing slightly. We caught up Aragorn in little time. "I heard screams of pain," He looked at Legolas and I accusingly. "What happened?" "The dwarf kicked me." I said innocently as Aragorn gave me a look of suprise. Arargorn then became a wee-bit angry. "No man should kick a lady!" All (facepalm.) Faramir (between his teeth): Aragorn. Is. Not. Stupid. He is perfectly able to hear it was Gimli who screamed last. Eowyn: Well, not in this fic apparently. I mean, isn't it already established that they are complete idiots in this story? Kätchen (in an imploring voice): Oh, canon, please come back! We miss you so much! I laughed loudly and gracefull Pippin (the corners of his eyes twitching): Kill. Her. Already! Mouth (slightly worried): Hey, don't explode! turning the faces of the hobbits to butter. I walked ahead but could hear Legolas and the ranger behind me. "Oh Valar, what did she do?" He asked the princeling. I could here him give a slight chuckle, "Dont worry for her, she got him back." I saw him gesture toward his -unmentionables and Aragorns looks of shock and his violent cringe.I giggled quietly Pippin (enraged): So it's FUNNY to kick my friends on the nuts, huh?! HUH?! Stop laughing already, you stupid bitch! STOP IT! I've had enough of your rudeness and stupidity! I wish a hundred Orcs came and killed you and flayed you and made a football from your skin and spent the afternoon playing soccer with it! Pippin (tries to fling a chair against the screen but the others restrain him.) Kraut: Whoa, calm down! I know what you feel, she's got under my skin, too. But going berserk won't help. (Pats Pippin on the shoulder.) Pippin (sits down, panting but calm again.) Faramir (relieved): Good, that's solved. Let's go on so that we get out of here the sooner. as they made their way back to the front where I was. Mouth (darkly): With knives in their hands and murder in their eyes. I think this is going to be a fun journey. Only then did I not know how wrong I was. Eowyn: So, you came to understand how we feel already? All (exit.) |
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"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz! Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße. Im Feuer mich baden!" - Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two. | |
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| Caranthol | Sep 27 2010, 03:19 PM Post #4 |
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At Journey's End
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4. Burrr! Faramir (sarcastically): Somehow I know this will be great... We were sitting at camp as Boromir taught the hobbits to use sword, Arargorn observed, Gimli and Gandalf sat quietly and Legolas and I scouted the area. Kätchen: Scouting, as in ”making out in a bush”? Gimli was complaining to Gandalf about something Eowyn (as Gimli): Gandalf, tell me again why exactly we let that obnoxious wench to remain with us? Just, why? Kraut (as Gandalf): Because the author says so, silly! To be frank, I don't like it either, but what can we do? when I noticed a large group of black birds coming this way. I grabbed Legolas' arm and pointed to them. Gimli said it was a cloud, stupid dwarf. It was move fast and coming towards us. Finally Legolas came up with the explanation. "Crebain from Dunland!" The ranger stepped forword with worry evedent on his face, All: SPELL CHECK! Mouth (rubbing his eyes): Man, it's like a monkey had bashed the keyboard at random! "Hide!" He called urgently as we panicked to get our gear out of sight at douse the fire. I was grabbing the rest of Sam's belongings when I was thrown into a bush with someone atop me, hiding me from sight. I was about to speak when a hand was thrown over my mouth roughly, gagging me and making me taste dirt. Kraut: I sure hope that's a synonym for ´biting the dust´. After the flock was gone, the hand was removed and I was yanked up by a very distraught Aragorn. (A/N: Ha! You thought it was Legolas, huh?) Faramir: Uh, no. I didn't. Pippin: Yep, from the sound of it I thought it was the rapist!Boromir. I let out a breath of relief and hugged him gently, "Thank you, Aragorn." He looked down on me with honor, "You said that I shall be your protector, and that is what I will be. It was my honor." Kraut: An honour, my ass! I'd say it should be pretty normal to pull a member of one's company from harm's way. Without harping on it too much, too. Eowyn: Yes, that sounds like he did it only because it was the Sue. He spoke quietly with pride in his words. Mouth (as Aragorn): So, I did what any decent person would have done. I'm just that good. I smiled up at him thankfully. "And I will be forever greatful of you, Ranger." He gave me a smile as we walked to the rest of the fellowship. Gandalf spoke worriedly and slowly, "Spies of Saruman. The passage South is being watched." He paused and looked at Aragorn and I. "We must take the path of Caradhras." He gestured to a very snowy mountain. Perfect. We gathered our things and went on our way. The mountain was cold and there was a very strong blizzard blowing. We were trudging painfully through the snow when Frodo slipped and tumbled down in to Aragorn. The ring had fallen off on the way down Mouth (as the Ring, á la Braveheart): Freedom! Pippin: Heh, even the Ring tried to escape this shitfic! and Boromir now held it in his hand. "Boromir?" Asked the ranger. Boromir still held the ring admiring it closely. And my anger toward him was escalating. Kätchen (deadpan): ...into a full-blown nuclear war. I spoke loudly so that he could here me clearly over the weather, "Boromir, give the ring to Frodo. If you do not, I will not hesitate to come and take from you and give it to him myself!" Faramir (as Boromir): You and what army? I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and heard the gentle thump thump of the owners heart, calming me. Boromir glanced back at me, eyebrow raised. Kraut(as Boromir): Why can't that bint just shut the hell up? The ranger spoke again, "Boromir, give the ring to Frodo." He stated it calmly, keeping his anger in-check. Boromir laughed slightly and handed it to the hobbit, ruffling his hair. And Aragorn and I slowly lowered our hand from our swords. Legolas and I were moving lightly accross the top of the snow when a voice swept through the air. Legolas spoke, "There is a fell voice in the air." All (doze because of the film script they've seen for a thousand times before.) Gandalf looked back to us and quietly said, "Its Saruman." Aragorn spoke urgently in a worried voice, yelling above the noise. "He is trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf! We must turn back!" "No!" The old wizard yelled back as he began to chant into the wind. Mouth (as Gandalf, singing): I'm siiiinging in the raiiiin.... Kraut (as Aragorn): Wrong song, stupid! Mouth (as Gandalf): Oops, sorry! (singing:) The future's in the air, I can feel it everywhere, blowing with the wind of change... I was swiftly pushed against the side of the mountain and Legolas' chest by a great surge of ice cold wind. He held me in place as my chocolate locks of hair Eowyn (laughing): Chocolate locks? What next, marshmallow keys? Faramir: Um, it's ´locks´ as in ´hair´, my love. Eowyn: Well, and then? It still sounds ridiculous. wiped dangerously around my face. Suddenly there was a great snow avalanche and we all became enveloped in snow. The snow was packed in around me as I tried frantically to get out-no such luck. All (making waves): Suffocate! Suffocate! Suf-fo-cate! I could here the men above me as the ranger shouted, "Where is Liliana?" I quickly banged Kraut (deadpan): Yeah, we do know you want to bang Legolas. Alot. on the foot neares to me and heard a shout of pain in Elvish- Faramir (deadpan): Hmm, I wonder what "Ouch!" is in Sindarin... Sorry Legolas! I could hear the dwarf, "Yup! That must be her!" I was wipped out of the snow so fast I didnt have a chance to give them my hand. I found myself hugged into the body of Legolas and was instantly warmer. Mouth (smirking): Like a dog in heat, eh? Kätchen (irritably): That was a pretty inapproriate comment. Mouth (with a bored look): You do remember to whom you are talking, right? I spoke, "Thank you princeling. I think you have saved the tips of my ears from falling clear off." I said with a smile and a laugh that he returned. Pippin: Does anyone have a nice joke about refunds or such? I can't invent anything clever anymore. (Silence.) Pippin: Oh, well, we let it slide then. We soon decided- or Frodo did- that we would go into the mines of Moria for safety. I have a bad feeling about this. Faramir (depressedly): And I have a bad feeling about this whole story. All (exit.) |
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"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz! Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße. Im Feuer mich baden!" - Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two. | |
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| Caranthol | Dec 18 2010, 06:17 PM Post #5 |
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At Journey's End
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5. Fish? Pippin: And chips? Faramir (to Eowyn): I think I will ask Deusexmachina that he would move these sessions until after lunch. It felt as if we had been walking for day Kraut: Well, perhaps you had. With the Suethor's descriptive skills, of lack thereof, it could be a week for all that I know. until the dwarf spoke in awe, "The walls of Moria!" We began the journey into Moria along a slender, treacherous pathway. In which I slipped and would have brought Boromir down with me if it weren't for Legolas steadying me. Kätchen (as Liliana, in chipper falsetto): Thank you, Leggy-poo! I knew you, like, totally loved me! Mouth (as Legolas): Shut up, you bint. I did it for Boromir. He didn't deserve so ignominious a death. Finally, we came to a great wall and as Gandalf touched it, lines appeared. The old wizard spoke, "Itidin, Faramir (patiently, like a kindergarten teacher): I-t-h-i-l-d-i-n, ithildin. Now, that was not hard, was it? it mirrors only starlight and moonlight." Just then the clouds cleared making the moon visible and the wall egnited. Kraut (in frustration): Man, the Suethor must think that the red squiggly lines are there just to highlight fancy words! Eowyn: Fancy words, in Alexis's case, means every word longer than one syllable. "It reads, "The door of Durin, Lord of Moria, speak friend and enter." We all got fairly confused looks on our faces but Merry spoke up, asking the question we all wanted to. Mouth (as Merry): When does this shitty fic end? "Well what do you 'spose that means?" He asked the wizard. The wizard replied confidently, "Its quite simple really, if you are a friend, speak the password and the doors will open." I spoke in a whisper to Legolas, "I bet on all my weaponry that, that is not it." Eowyn: Well, technically speaking it was, so say goodbye to your precious weapons, Sue. He chuckled at my statement and produced a smile. Faramir (frowning): Why? Did any of you find anything even remotely funny in that? (A silence.) Faramir: I thought as much. Gandalf continued mumbling numerous smells to the door, none of them doing the job. Kätchen (deadpan): How about trying a pneumatic drill? Kraut: Or TNT? We were all sprawled about, waiting on the old fellow. Aragorn was setting Bill the pony loose, the hobbits were throwing rocks into the water, Boromir standing lasily, and Legolas and I sitting upon rocks, me half asleep on his shoulder. Eowyn (laughing): She was a parrot! Kätchen (as Captain Flint): Piasters! Piasters! I briefly heard Aragorn tell the hobbits to not destirb the water. I could see ripples growing larger in the water and rose my head from the princelings Faramir: Who wants to bet against that Alexis does not realize that's actually a mildly pejorative term, not a proper title? (No one says anything.) shoulder to get a better look. They were coming fast. I wonder what they are. Frodo rose from his seat now, looking upon the door with a smile upon his face, "Its a riddle." He said softly. "Speak friend and enter, what is the Elvish word for friend?" "Mellon." I answered with the wizard Pippin: Line-stealers ahoy! Watch your words! and the stone door screeched open. Revealing the darkness of night. We made our way inside the mine and dark. I could see something interupting the water. I spoke to Legolas next to me quietly, so others could not hear, Eowyn (slapping her forehead): Why? Don't you think that the others deserve to be informed of a potential danger, you stupid twit? "Something stirs in the water." He looked at me shrugging, "Fish?" I shrugged myself as Gimli began to speak to the prince and I. He had a dreamy look on his face as he spoke, "So, master and Lady elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves; roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone. This, my friend, is the home of my cousin, Balin...and they call this a Mine... " He snorted, "A Mine!" I chuckled slightly at his anger Pippin (as Liliana, stupidly): Duh-huh-huh, the angry dwarf is funny... Tee-hee-hee! until I noticed what it had become. Boromir said grimly "This is no mine...its a tomb!" The dwarves were slain, laying accross the floor with arrows and axes piercing their skin. "Oh no no no!" Gimli wept walking about them. Faramir (wiping an imaginary tear away, sarcastically): Oh, how this elaborate and eloquent scene makes me fully identify with Gimli's grief! Legolas bent down and pulled an arrow from a body distastefully. "Goblins!" He shouted. We had drawn our swords, the exception Legolas and I drawing bows. Boromir spoke like thunder, "We make for the gap of Rohan! We should have never came here!" Suddenly, something big and slimy wrapped around my waste (Laughter.) Mouth (sneering): What, had she soiled herself? Pippin (deadpan): And this, kids, is why receiving proper potty training in infancy is important. thrusting me into the air, dropping my bow and arrows. I let out a blood curtling scream, gaining their attention. I shouted many curses in Elvish Kraut: Mister Faramir, are there actually Elvish swear words? Faramir: Well, none that I know of. as I tried to escape. It was holding me high in the air as Legolas shot arrows, doing nothing to the beast, "Legolas! This is no fish!" Kraut (dryly): Ya think so? I let out another scream as it began thrusting me into walls. I was really hoping they would save me, Eowyn (facepalms. Then, wearily): Alexis, do you really have that much contempt for your readers' intelligence? but they were doing everything they could. Kätchen (deadpan): ...to goad the monster to eat her. He knocked me in to another wall, me becoming unconcious as he took me under. I awoke under the water staring into the face of something destirbingly ugly. Mouth: Yeah, ugly like a stupid typo. I once again tried to free myself, no luck. Eowyn (deadpan): Oh, on the contrary, that's actually a lot of luck. I could hear the male's Kätchen: Which of them, to be exact? There were nine of them. Kraut: Eight. Can't really count that pansy movie-Legolas. Kätchen (glares at him.) Kraut: What? distant shouts as they trudged into the water. Suddenly I was swung in to the air again, breathing heavily. I yelled at them, "Throw me a sword! Throw me a sword!" Pippin (as Liliana): ”The oldest cliché in the book! The oldest cliché in the book!” Faramir: Indeed. Well, I have a free tip for all Suethors, novelists and what not: Swords do not fly that well. That is because they are balanced for striking, not throwing. That is not any arcane lore, either, but mere common sense. Young Pippin then threw me his sword. I caught it gracefully and sliced myself from the beasts grip. I screamed as I fell to the water. Soon pulled to the surface by Aragorn telling Legolas to shoot its head, Mouth (blinking): Hey, wait a second! Who pulled what by Aragorn? What in all Mordor does that word salad mean? Eowyn (squinting and looking carefully): I do not know. I deem there should be a subject somewhere in that sentence but I cannot see it anywhere. Kraut: Perhaps it got bored and ran away. sparing us a few seconds to run into the mines. We ran in to the mines only to get caught in rockslide, trapping us in the mines. As soon as the rocks siezed falling, I was pulled in to the arms of my fellow elf, "Are you all right, Liliana?" He asked me worriedly. I nodded gently against his shoulder. Faramir: Again? Why, the man must be all shoulder and nothing else! Kätchen: Maybe he could join a circus freak show. ”See Legolas, The Amazing Sentient Shoulder! Entry five dollars, children under seven free of charge!” He released me, checking me over for any injuries. Mouth (dryly): Which, of course, was a tidy excuse for copping a feel or two. I called the attention of the men to speak to them, "I would like to make a quick announcement if you all would listen please." They all turned to me and nodded their heads. "I have Kraut (as Liliana, deadpan): ...just realized that I am only a stupid, one-dimensional and completely unnecessary cardboard character, also known as Mary Sue. Therefore, by your leave I will now self-terminate so as not to sully more one of the greatest novels of the 20th century. Farewell! Kätchen (imitates an explosion sound.) made an observation today, and would like to share it with you all, for your own well-being. Do not, I mean NEVER ask the woodland elf of anything to do with water, because if you say something stirs, he will simply tell you it is fish, let you be captured by a beast, thrown against walls, knocked unconcious, dragged underwater, and bruise your pride." That got a round of laughter from them and even a snicker from Legolas, All (squirm on their seats from embarrassment.) Pippin (cringing): It's – it's actually so unfunny that it's painful! Kraut: Mein Gott, this is not a fanfic, this some craptastic sitcom with a laugh track! "In simpler terms," I turned to the prince. "Stick to your woods, prince of Mirkwood." He smirked at me and threw his hands up in defeat, "Alright, alright, I shall do as you say." "Good." I smiled at him and gave him a hug. Kätchen: Not a sitcom, Joachim, but an episode of Care Bears. Kraut (paling): Oh, the horror! We had begun our four day journey in to Moria and walked the rest of the day until we all became quite tired of moving our feet. We had taken up camp at a wide flat area to get some sleep and nourish ourselves. Legolas and I sat atop a large rock above the others. Faramir: Too bad that at least you, Liliana, were still beneath them all. Intellectually and as a person, that is. Gandalf said we had to be as quiet as possible, so we were speaking to eachother in whispers only loud enough for us elves to hear. Legolas spoke to me, "You were right you know." I gave him a confused look, "About what?" He turned to me slowly. "About us becoming friends." I gave him a gentle smile that he returned. "I do not lie to you. Why would you ever think that we wouldnt?" I asked him curiously. He shifted his gaze to the darkness, "Because we are so different, you and I. Mouth (as Legolas): First off, I'm not half as annoying as you. You are brave and skillful Pippin (sarcastically): Whereas Legolas was not. Yeah, not at all. with enough pride to fill an Oliphant. You have a quick tounge, Eowyn: This from an elf who traded barbs and gibes with Gimli half the duration of the Quest. So, where are the differences? We are still waiting to hear them. Faramir (a little uneasily): That means that – oh, how I hate to say this! – that actually they seem to be a perfect match. Pippin(with disgust): Please do not say that again. Faramir: Fear not, Peregrin. I am actually a little nauseated myself. possibly to quick for your gender." He paused and looked back at me. "And you seem to be afraid of nothing." I chuckled at his ramblings. "And you think that you are none of those things? I am sorry to tell you, my friend, but you are all of those things. Kraut: Well, yes, except the pride thing. And if you think I am afraid of nothing, you have a lot to learn about me, Aratoamin (My champion). I am afraid of many things." He looked at me for a moment before speaking, "Vanimle sila tiri (Your beauty shines bright), Liliana. It is impossible to over look." Kätchen (wearily): Aaaand enter cheesy romance, exit literary merit. Mouth: Well, that was scant to begin with. I smiled brightly at him through the dark, "As is yours, princeling." And I swiftly took his face in my hand and kissed his cheek. I then got up and made my way to my pallet, as did he. And I fell asleep to the soothing sound of my champion's heart beat. (Some laughter.) Kraut (deadpan): Yeah, few knew it but Legolas's heart was actually a Brazilian rumba band. All (exit.) |
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"Ha! Wonnige Glut! Leuchtender Glanz! Strahlend nun offen steht mir die Straße. Im Feuer mich baden!" - Siegfried, Act Three, Scene Two. | |
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3:23 PM Jul 11