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A Grand Adventure in Foreign Policy- The MST; Round Robin ahoy!
Topic Started: Nov 8 2010, 01:03 AM (458 Views)
Jedi Master Luthien
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Future Egyptologist
Title: A Grand Adventure in Foreign Policy: Prologue
Author: Jedi Master Luthien, and a 36-year-old FFN author who calls herself jesuiscanadien
Genre: Humor/Romance/Stupidity/Mary Sue
Rating: M
Characters: Atton Rand, Elrohir, Evie O'Connell, Luthi, Yvaine and an as-yet-unnamed Sue. Oh, and Hubert.
Summary: Woman finds herself in ME. Falls for an elf. Does she act on it or will she awake to find it's all been due to a head injury? (and we're going with the head injury)
Warnings: Other than utter stupidity and writing that resembles SMeyer's, none for this chapter.


It was another quiet day in the Pit of Despair. Count Rugan had, once again, left to assist Prince Humperdinck in the search for the Dread Pirate Roberts, and the sporkers had been left to their own devices. Luthi had somehow managed to get ahold of a copy of Phantom of the Opera, and she, Evie and Yvaine were now watching it for the four thousandth time. Elrohir and Atton, professing no interest in epic musicals, had polished their escape plan almost to death, and were now killing time by attempting to build a replica of the Jedi Temple out of toothpicks.

The sporkers were deeply engrossed in their respective activities when the door opened, and an unfamiliar figure stepped through. Atton, reigning back the Former Sith instinct that told him to shoot first and ask questions later, raised a quizzical eyebrow at the newcomer. "Who the kriff are you?"

The figure smiled. "My name is Hubert," he replied, "and, in the absense of Count Rugan, I have decided to make use of your sporking services."

Luthi stared at Hubert. "Do I know you from somewhere?" she asked suspiciously.

"I don't believe so," Hubert answered, "but we can discuss that later. The sporking theatre awaits. You see, my master, the great Lord Morgoth, has recently uncovered a fanfiction story so horrendous it rivals An Elf's Love and Stuck in Middle-earth, and such an opportunity for mental torture can not be overlooked."

Hubert's announcement was met with stares of incredulity. "How can anything be worse than those two gems?" Elrohir asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, you will find out," Hubert snickered. "You've got two minutes to get to the sporking theatre, or you'll be sporking all forty-four chapters of this beauty alone." That was all the motivation the sporkers needed, and less than ninety seconds later all five were in the theatre.

Elrohir picked up the syllabus, which, as usual, was lying on one of the seats. After flipping through it, he frowned. "This one only has a short summary. 'Woman finds herself in ME. Falls for an elf. Does she act on it or will she awake to find it's all been due to a head injury? Try to get past the prologue, as the story develops with ea chptr. Baby, it's AU all the way.' Sounds like a typical Mary-Sue to me."

A loud cackling over the loudspeaker startled the group. "Oh, you only wish this was a typical Mary-Sue, Son of Elrond," Hubert laughed. "It is anything but. For starters, it was written by a thirty-six-year-old woman... But please, take your seats, and see for yourselves. The sporking is about to begin." Shrugging, the sporkers obeyed. Luthi opened a bottle of Mountain Dew, and Evie munched popcorn as the lights dimmed and the screen lit up.

A Grand Adventure in Foreign Policy

by jesuiscanadien

Prologue

Elrohir: Wait- there is no disclaimer?
Evie: This one is worse than Herenya already.


It was a warm summer evening,

Luthi: No, it was a dark and stormy night.
Atton: *raises eyebrow*
Luthi: You have to admit, that sounds cooler.


just after the sun had set on the West Coast of Canada. The temperate weather had me walking back to my apartment without my Roots pullover on, and I had stuffed it in my backpack.

Evie: How did the weather fit in her backpack?
Atton: The pack's bigger on the inside.
Luthi: Oh, great. Whovian!Sues...


My pack was chock-a-block full of my personal crap,

Atton: No comment.

work papers and a large bottle of Evian that I had not yet cracked open. I was a wee bit cranky from the long day of being in the office planning labour action against one of the Employers, who had not been negotiating in good faith during the Collective Bargaining process.

Evie: And we care because...?
Luthi: Does anyone have any idea what the heck she's talking about?
Others: Nope.


Entrenched Employers were rapidly becoming the bain of my existence.

Yvaine: As you are likely to become the bane of ours.

That migraine that I could feel sitting on the edge of my brain all day was now making itself comfortable in my right frontal lobe.

Atton: *as migraine* Ahhh... Let me put my feet up and turn on the TV, and I'll be set.

I had all my meds on me,

Evie: The way she put that makes her sound like a drug addict.

but I just wanted to get home and then take them, so I could go to bed and sleep the damn thing off.

Luthi: I know migraines. They're really difficult to sleep off, considering that they tend to keep you from sleeping.
Atton: She must be taking a lot of meds, then.


Good god, I needed to book a facial and massage first thing in the morning. A day to pamper myself and do some much needed stress relief.

All: SENTENCE FRAGMENT!!

Maybe, if I was up to the challenge, I would take a yoga class in the afternoon. When life became a series of weeks where one worked for the weekend, it was time to step off

Yvaine: An extremely high cliff, thereby ending this story before it begins.

the wheel and take time for oneself.

Luthi: I think the vast majority of the American workforce works for the weekend these days.
Atton: This Sue isn't American, she's Canadian.
Luthi: Thank the Valar!! *beat* Xaja is going to flip.


I had passed that point a couple of weeks ago. If I had to argue with one more union local president about the necessity of a strike, I was going to lose my mind.

Luthi: Newsflash: you've already lost it.

I stepped onto the gravel path leading through the copse of trees and what one laughingly called a 'garden', leading to the door of my building. The path was not well lit and I kept telling the building manager to put up patio lights.

Yvaine: Or she could carry a flashlight.

I had the strongest feeling the whole set-up was a mugging waiting to happen. Walking along the path, just under the canopy of branches, I was trying to shake off the feeling something bad was going to happen.

Atton: She has a bad feeling about this.
Luthi: *grins* You two are soul mates!
Atton: *swats at Luthi*
Luthi: *ducks*


I scanned the garden between the trees, looking for any sight of impending conflict.

Elrohir: Or impending DOOM!

My inner eye suddenly blacked out.

Atton: I could no longer see my spleen.

I sensed my spirit fall into the void.

Elrohir: Where it was met by Morgoth, who crushed it. The end.
Evie: What does that even mean?


That was the red-alert call that Big Trouble was about to happen. My steps sped up, as I tensed, ready for the assault.

Yvaine: There's another lonely, lost comma.
Elrohir: The Society for the Protection of Punctuation and Parts of Speech will give it a good home.


A breeze suddenly came up, shaking the leaves above me. The breeze blew into a stronger wind and then I heard the crack of a

Evie: Rifle, as a bullet embedded itself in my head, killing me instantly.

branch above me as it tore away from the tree and fell.

Evie: Mmm... that'll work.

Damned thing smashed me right on the back of my head!

All: *cheer for the branch*

I crumpled like a deck of cards to the ground

Atton: High-quality decks of cards don't crumple. Houses of cards, on the other hand...

and as my vision greyed, I knew I couldn't stop from passing out.

Atton: Actually, if it really was that serious, she would have no memory of the branch.
Evie: And you know this because...?
Atton: I used to torture people for a living, okay?
Evie: Point taken.


I felt like I was falling, and had a terrible case of the bed spins.

Yvaine: Just take two aspirin and call us in the morning.
Elrohir: I think we should unplug the phone.


Wind rushed past my ears and my stomach turned. This, I thought, was a seriously ironic case of Alice down the rabbit hole.

Yvaine: Alice? More like Bella Swan.
Luthi: I feel sorry for Wonderland.


Having gone skydiving on several occasions, I was trying to figure out how far the fall was,

All: Bwah?
Evie: However far it may have been, she's got nothing on our resident Star Lady.
Yvaine: *grins* How very true.


but I couldn't see anything and I wasn't sure I was cognisant to anything real or relevant.

Elrohir: We could have informed you of that a long time ago.

Oddly enough, my headache wasn't noticeable

Luthi: Then how the heck is it a headache?

and the injury I must've sustained to achieve a blackout wasn't demanding any type of attention. Being brain damaged must have its advantages, I figured.

All: :blink:
Evie: And she says this because...?
Atton: To make her feel better about herself. Duh.


After an indeterminate amount of time, I felt a thud as my body seemed to have achieved touch-down.

Luthi: Six points for the Sue! :lol:
Atton: Thus entereth the crazy American Football fan... :rolleyes:


Sentience faded away like the sound being turned down on a stereo.

Evie: And all sense fled this story like rats from a sinking ship.

Everything fades to black, as they say in the movies.

Luthi: I can safely say I've never heard that line in a movie.
Evie: A book, on the other hand...
Elrohir: Is that the end?
Atton: I think so. I'm astonished that she didn't ask for reviews.


The screen shut off, and the lights turned back on so quickly that the sporkers were momentarily blinded. While they were still attempting to regain normal vision, Hubert's voice came over the loudspeaker again. "Well, and what did you think?"

"To be honest," Evie responded, "I don't see what's so terrible about this Sue. She seems fairly run-of-the-mill to me."

Atton nodded. "That makes two of us. I think I'd rather spork her than Herenya- the spelling and grammar are better."

Luthi, Yvaine and Elrohir also nodded, and Yvaine was about to comment when Hubert began laughing again. "Oh, you poor, innocent people. Just wait until you get further into the story. The only thing you will like about this story is the fact that my master has decided it is to be a round robin spork- and I'm not sure even that will save you from complete mental breakdowns. Now I must be off. Do have a wonderful day- and have I mentioned, my dear Elf, that you are one of the targets of this particular Sue?" Elrohir paled as the minion's laughter died away into the distance.


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Jedi Master Luthien
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Future Egyptologist
Title: A Grand Adventure in Foreign Policy: Chapter 1
Author: AraionaDuBois, and a 36-year-old FFN author who calls herself jesuiscanadien
Genre: Humor/Romance/Stupidity/Mary Sue
Rating: M
Characters: Ari, The Doctor, Neytiri, Gimli, Rassilon and the unnamed Sue.
Summary: Woman finds herself in ME. Falls for an elf. Does she act on it or will she awake to find it's all been due to a head injury? (and we're going with the head injury)
Warnings: Terrible word usage. Seriously. Shoot me now.

It was far from quiet in the High Tower of the Citadel under the Dome on the planet Gallifrey. Ari was attempting escape number fifteen. This time it was a rather rash attempt to jump out the window.
“No! I’m going to escape! You just watch!” Ari shrieked, having managed to get the window open. The Doctor held her by the waist in an attempt to keep her from doing something stupid.
“Ari! Think about this! If you jump you’ll end up having about a billion crushed bones…not to mention dying. That’s never fun.”
“But I’ve got to try! I hate this place!” Ari continued to shriek.
Gimli and Neytiri attempted to block out the daily occurrence by playing scrabble. It wasn’t working.
“And I lay down the word ANNOYING,” Neytiri said, placing the letters on the board.
Gimli counted the points. “Triple word score too… and an extra twenty points for relating it to Ari’s escape attempt.”
“Ah, I see everyone’s up and ready for a new day,” Rassilon said from the doorway.
Momentarily distracted by the new voice, the Doctor managed to yank Ari back into the room and slam the window closed. “Hello Rassilon. Do you have a new story for us?”
Rassilon smiled. It was the sort of smile that would make children cry. “Indeed I do. Actually, it’s part of a round robin that you and other sporking groups will be participating in. You’ve been given chapter two so far… actually, you get chapter seven as well. And I hear it has lots of smut.”
Gimli, the Doctor, and Neytiri visibly paled. Ari rolled her eyes and marched up to the Lord President of Gallifrey and poked him in the chest. “Listen here, Rassilon. Send me back to my home THIS INSTANT or I will shove my foot so far up your ar-”
“ARI!” The Doctor interrupted. “He may be an arse, but he is in charge…”
“Don’t care. I want to go home!”
Rassilon laughed. “Get to the theatre.”
The four stalked off to the theatre. Ari grabbed her bottle of Captain on the way in. Just in case.


Chapter One- Buying the Farm

Ari: Why would you want to buy a farm? They’re not economically feasible anymore.
Gimli: and you’d know, lass?
Ari: Actually, I do.

The twittering of birds

The Doctor (as twittering birds): So now I’m going to feed the babies. Then off to poop on cars!
Ari: Was that under the 140 characters?
The Doctor: 61, actually.


greeted the first signs of my return to consciousness.

The Doctor: OH NO! The Dream Lord is involved in this!
Ari: *rolls eyes* that’s not what she means.

My mind searched for a short moment as it sought to identify the noise.

Neytiri (as searching mind): Hello? Is anybody there? I’m trying to identify the noise?
Ari: 2X2L? Do you copy? 2X2L?
The Doctor: I actually helped Orson Wells with that broadcast…
Ari: Sure you did.

My head twitched involuntarily, and I groaned.

Gimli: Good for you. Your head is going to twitch again when it meets my axe.

That pain that I thought was previously terminated,

Ari (as pain): I’LL BE BACK!

had obviously decided to reassert itself,

The Doctor: oh obviously, of course.

and was now playing like a rambunctious marching band through the deepest recesses of my brain.

Ari (as rambunctious marching band): C’mon guys! Let’s play When the Saints Go Marching In!
Neytiri: Don’t forget to play in the deepest recesses of her brain… *beat* whatever that may mean.
Gimli: She has a brain?

I decided to see if the eyes still worked. It was a risky venture, but I was a shit-disturber and was well acquainted with risk.

All: Bwah?
Ari: a shit-disturber? Well acquainted with risk? Yeah, I’ll show you risk in a minute.
The Doctor: I fail to see how deciding to see if the eyes still worked is considered a risky venture… fighting Daleks? Risky venture. Opening ones eyes? Not so much.

I fluttered my eyelashes. Good response. I squinted, looking through my lashes, and was met by bright light. It must be day, I reasoned.

Ari: Or, you could be in Alaska…

Opening my eyes further,

The Doctor: There is a better word for that. Try wider. Further doesn’t really work for eye width.


I took a tentative look at my surroundings.

Ari: I believe our esteemed authoress is attempting to appear intelligent by replacing simple words with arbitrary thesaurus adjustments.
The Doctor: How hard is it to say ‘cautious?’ Sounds a lot better than tentative… besides, when I hear tentative I think of business decisions…

Given that I was splayed on the ground like a fallen doll, and my head was smooshed into the dirt, I didn't see much, other than dirt.

Gimli: Smooshed? What is this word ‘smooshed’?
The Doctor: *after looking it up on Google* Well, apparently it is a real word. But I do think there is a better way to word this. After all, Urban Dictionary popped up right away.
Ari: and who trusts that, eh?

Oh, there were the bottoms of some trees and some grass.

Neytiri: Nice descriptions. I can SEE these bottoms of trees and some grass.


Wait a minute, dirt? Grass? This was not looking good for me. I distinctly remember being on a gravel path, and the 'garden' didn't have any grass, just bark mulch.

Ari: Maybe you never paid attention to your surroundings before?
Neytiri: No, she distinctly remembers being on a gravel path.
Ari: oh, right.

I pressed my hand into the dirt and slowly pushed myself up into an upright position.

The Doctor: Everybody got that?
Gimli: No. I want to know which hand she used.
Ari: why upright? She could have rolled over on her side or something.

My head screamed in protest.

Ari (as head): NOOO I DON’T WANT TO SIT IN AN UPRIGHT POSITION!
The Doctor: *winces* my ears.

I closed my eyes and pressed my hand into the back of my head to try and soothe the throbbing.

Ari: Does that actually work?
The Doctor: Dunno. Never had to do that.

Let's try the eyes again, shall we?

Neytiri: Let’s not and say we did, okay?
Ari: *tries the eyes* hmm… needs more salt.
Neytiri:
Ari: What?

I opened my eyes all the way. My pack was lying by my feet.

The Doctor: Well that’s handy.
Ari: I wonder how the pack got there too.
Gimli: Sue Magic.
Neytiri: oh Eywa, no.

It looked little worse for wear.

Ari: *cringes* I LOATHE that line!

Check, one thing on the list of 'what was normal'.

The Doctor: Your pack came with you to a new place with grass and dirt. How is that normal?
Ari: That poor comma… *cuddles*

Yes, I was definitely sitting on dirt.

Gimli: A Sue who knows what dirt is. Amazing.
Ari: and she was definitely sitting on it.
The Doctor: I’m just impressed she didn’t use the word ‘defiantly’.
Ari: *beat* me too, actually.

Grass was confirmed to be in patches around me.

Ari: *eye in the sky helicopter* That’s right. You heard it here first, folks. Grass is confirmed to be in patches around the Sue. We will update you with further developments as we receive them. Back to you, Chuck.
The Doctor: Chuck?
Ari: *shrugs* I like news anchors with the name Chuck.

The trees were really tall, not at all like the trees outside my apartment. I knew for a fact those trees were only twenty years old, these trees looked to be dozens, if not hundreds of years old.

Ari: ooo… maybe she’s a tree whisperer and can tell the ages of trees just by looking at them!
The Doctor: I’m surprised she didn’t tell us how tall the trees were…
Neytiri: How does one go from dozens to hundreds of years old?

I was not going to panic.

Gimli: No! Panic!
Neytiri: I am good with trees… I shall hunt you down and you will never see me before it is too late.
Ari: remind me not to piss you off.


My hand felt sticky.

Ari: …. What were you doing, Sue?
The Doctor: ARI!
Ari: … what?
The Doctor: No sexual references. Please.
Ari: You are no fun.

Looking down, I saw it was all goopy with almost dry blood.

Neytiri: goopy? Is that a technical term?

Yuck, and yay, cuz head injuries were always my favourite.

Ari: … she did NOT just use ‘yay’ and ‘cuz’ like that. Oh good Rassilon trapped in the Time War!
Rassilon (voice over): use me in a swear again and you’ll read ‘The Evil Within’ and ‘An Elf’s Love’. And yes. I have the original.
Ari: *screams*

No bloody way I was going to panic now.

Neytiri: Why not? I think now is a perfectly good time to panic.
Ari: Yes. Please panic!

My drive to solve problems and fix any crisis jumped into play.

The Doctor: oh is that a fact? I’d like to see her fix a crisis with the Daleks.
Ari: You know she wouldn’t survive.
The Doctor: mmhmm…
Ari: Doc, you’re scaring me. Please don’t go all ‘Valeyard’. *beat* actually, go for it!

Reason was in working order,

The Doctor: Did anyone else actually understand that?
Ari: Nope.
Gimli: Nay.
Neytiri: Kea.


I didn't have any visual acuity issues, and pain was still registering; so I felt like I probably broke the skin and had endured a mild concussion.

The Doctor: oh that’s good then. I take it you’re a doctor?

I could deal.

Ari: Deal with what?
The Doctor: She’s the dealer? *places bets on the table*
Ari: I fold.
The Doctor: We haven’t even started yet!
Ari: Yeah, well you cheat.

I've dealt with worse. I decided to send for home.

Gimli: send for home? How does one send for home?
Neytiri: Is she asking for home to come to her?
Ari: I don’t know. Maybe it’s a new phrase. I’m not up on the latest terminology.

Some people called me weird, others thought I was down-right odd, and in previous centuries I would've been burned at the stake for being a 'witch'.

Ari: Bwah? did I miss something? What’s going on?
Neytiri: I have no idea. I am confused as well.


Whatever.

Ari: *tosses her empty bottle of Captain at the screen* whatever to you too, bi-
Rassilon (voice over): No swearing at all! And where did you get that Captain? You’re cleaning up that mess.
Ari: *mock salute* Yes Sir! *beat* I brought it in with me.
Rassilon (voice over): next time I catch you with alcohol you will spork ‘The Evil Within’… with Sauron and Aragorn.
Ari:

I was different, that's for sure.

Gimli: That much is obvious.

I could sense things,

Ari: like Time Lord sense?
The Doctor: NOOOO!

like where home was and if someone was lying to me.

Gimli: … what?
Ari: Right. Okay. I can sense where home is too. And sensing if someone was lying to me? That’s called reading body language. I’m very good at it.
Neytiri: Aye, it is not hard.

Other people's emotions and internal rules were felt by me like they were my own.

The Doctor: Bwah?
Ari: We can only use that so many times, you know. I think we broke the limit.
The Doctor: But it’s fitting!

I knew things.

Ari: I know things too.
The Doctor: What’s the capital of Idaho?
Ari: Boise.
The Doctor: Wow. You do know things.

Stuff I knew no one else would be happy for me to know.

Neytiri: I think you could have phrased that a bit differently…
Gimli: It’s hurting my head.

I was of the wiggy.

All: ….
The Doctor: wiggy?
Ari: I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Gimli: I can’t even spork this properly anymore.
Neytiri: I rather deal with humans again than this garbage.

When people called me psychic, I'd get so pissed and tell them that I wasn't some nut-job wandering down Robson Street in a polyester muumuu and a duck on a leash, asking if people wanted their palms read for ten bucks a pop.

Gimli: That is what a psychic does and wears?
Ari: Wow… *beat* I want a polyester muumuu…
The Doctor: You are strange.

Getting trotted out like some trick pony at parties was both a giant pain in the ass and embarrassing.

Ari: Then why do it, if you don’t like it?
Gimli: Ah, but then she wouldn’t be spshul.
Ari: Right…

I was a respectable person and I didn't advertise what I could do, so I wouldn't be ridiculed.

The Doctor: You…respectable? HA!
Neytiri: There is nothing respectable about you, Sue…

Looking around, I couldn't see anyone within eyeshot, so I closed my eyes and felt.

Ari: That sounds so weird…
The Doctor: oh, the spshul Sue is doing her spshul stuff!
Gimli: please stop using that word.

My home wasn't in any direction that I could sense, so I decided to cast farther away.

Neytiri: This is just getting worse and worse.
Ari: cast? FISHING! *beat* I want to go fishing now.

I sensed people, but no home.

The Doctor: Aww… no home for the poor little Sue.

I went farther. Home, where was home?

Gimli: The Lonely Mountain.
Neytiri: Hometree.
The Doctor: Gallifrey.
Ari: New York.

Faintly I felt a shallow tug. Allowing more energy to try and strengthen the tug, I tried to gauge the distance.

The Doctor: Hopefully it takes too much energy and she explodes!
Ari: … have you been reading Watchstar?
The Doctor: maybe.

My inner eye gibbered.

Gimli: inner eye… what?!
Ari: to utter rapidly and unintelligibly; prattle.
The Doctor: Just like the Suethor, then?
Ari: Indeed.

It felt like a vast chasm between where my home was and where I was now. Was it time or distance that separated me from home?

The Doctor: I’d offer you a lift in the Tardis… but I don’t want you to contaminate it.

I didn't know. Now I really groaned. This was not the news I had hoped to hear.

Neytiri: Will she start panicking now?!
Ari: you sound way too excited about that.

I prayed I was just in a coma at VGH and I would wake up to find it all a bad hallucination.

Gimli: VGH?
Ari: *shrugs* hospital of some sort, I’m guessing.

I clambered to my feet,

Ari: I hate the word clamber. It is totally overused in fanfiction.

intent on finding those people I had felt earlier.

Gimli: I cannot get used to this ‘feeling’ people thing.
Neytiri: Maybe because it feels fake?
Ari: Totally.

Maybe someone would help me and I could figure out where the flying frack I was.

The Doctor: frack? Right.
Gimli: I hope no one helps her.
Neytiri: you and me both.

Seeing a break in the shrubbery,

Ari: SHRUBBERY! I demand a shrubbery!
The Doctor: with a path running down the middle!
Neytiri and Gimli: bwah?


it looked like a hiking trail and it was in the general direction of where I felt the closest smattering of people; I picked up my pack and followed it.

Ari: is that it?
The Doctor: Yes. For now, I imagine.
All: *run out of the theatre*



Rassilon was waiting for them in the lounge of the High Tower. He smiled. Somewhere, a cat died. “Well, did you enjoy that?”
Ari rolled her eyes. “It was stupid.”
“I do not think you will find chapter seven stupid. Rest up. I’ve got more fun for you.” With that, Rassilon vanished.
The Doctor sighed. “Why do you provoke him?”
“Because he’s an arse?”
Gimli and Neytiri marched back to their Scrabble game. The Doctor crashed on the couch and started reading a book on black holes. Ari eyed the ceiling. It was time for escape attempt number sixteen.


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Jedi Master Luthien
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Future Egyptologist
Title: A Grand Adventure in Foreign Policy: Chapter 2
Author: AraionaDuBois, and a 36-year-old FFN author who calls herself jesuiscanadien
Genre: Humor/Romance/Stupidity/Mary Sue
Rating: M
Characters: Cin, Glorfindel, Darry, Pippin, Serra Keto and Karyn the Sue.
Summary: Woman finds herself in ME. Falls for an elf. Does she act on it or will she awake to find it's all been due to a head injury? (and we're going with the head injury)
Warnings: A Parody!Sue couldn't come closer to utter ridiculousness.


A petite, slender young woman made her cautious way through the corridors of the Death Star, lightsabres in her hands. The twin green blades illuminated the halls in front of her, the first warning the Stormtroopers had of her coming.

They were also the last things that the Stormtroopers saw.

Having dispatched several groups of the clones, the woman rounded a corner and vehemently cursed when she saw the battalion of Stormtroopers blocking her route, blasters trained on her. Backing up to find an alternate route, she spun around and groaned when she saw the path out was blocked with more troops. Settling into a defensive position, she hissed through her teeth, “C'mon. Bring it on.”

She wasn't expecting the commander of the unit to bark “Take her!” to his soldiers. Despite her struggles, she was quickly overpowered, her lightsabres confiscated, and marched off to what she presumed was the prison block.

Although, this corridor was vaguely familiar... and that door was- Oh. No.

She fought valiantly to not be shoved into the theatre. “NO! I'm not going in there again! You can't-!” Her protests were ignored as she was shoved into the room and the door slammed shut behind her. “GO KISS A HUTT, YOU SON OF A-!”

“Serra?”

The Jedi Knight sighed and turned to see her fellow sporkers. “Hi, Master-” A horrifying thought suddenly presented itself to her. “Oh, no. It got updated, didn't it?”

“The one with you and Xanatos?” Darry waved a synopsis around. “Nah, this is a new one. It's a round-robin that Robo-Sith volunteered us for. Lord of the Rings, too.”

“Oh, that's a relief.” Serra relaxed and sat down, warily eyeing the scowling Pippin and Glorfindel. “... That bad, huh?”

“We saw the chapters that Rassilon and Count Rugan's teams did,” said Cin with a sigh as he sat beside Serra. “The Sue rivals Bella Swan.”

Serra blinked at her Master. “That's not possible.”

“Oh, yes it is,” muttered Glorfindel as the fic began to appear on the screen.


Chapter Two-Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Pippin: :huh: I thought this was Lord of the Rings, not Wizard of Oz!
Darry: And the Sue's wearing red shoes and has a pet dog named Toto, I bet.


Walking for what seemed like hours, and every now and then losing the faint path, I finally found myself at the edge of a fast moving shallow creek or small river.

All: *blink*
Serra: Well, that was exciting...


I was used to the mighty Fraser River, and even though this was quite wide, I didn't think it was really large enough to be considered a 'river' as such; so I figured it was just a really large creek.

Glorfindel: Oh? And you're an expert in rivers and creeks?

Yup, I'm a snotty Vancouverite.

Cin: She's Canadian?
A Faint Voice That Sounds Like Xaja: *incoherent shriek of anger from sickbay*
Darry: Evidently the Vancouverites aren't bad, according to Xaja. The snobs are in Toronto or Edmonton.
Glorfindel: Right with the bad hockey players.


Hey, they never said how large the body of water had to be to graduate from creek to river in Geography, so I'm sticking by my decision, executive and all.

Pippin: Of course, She-Who-Is-Evidently-An-Expert-In-Bodies-Of-Water.

It was moving fast, but I didn't think the undercurrent would drag me under.

Serra: Aww, can't it anyway?

I rolled up my jeans to my knees and stuck the toe of my Tevas

Pippin: Huh?
Others: *shrug*


into the water to test the temperature. The water was crisp, but I figured as long as it didn't get too deep, and with no long term exposure, I shouldn't get frostbitten.

Cin: I hope there's a steep drop-off mid-river- 'scuse me, mid-creek.


I gave a quick prayer, as water can make me nervous, I don't like drowning, having done it once before) and I walked in to the creek.

All: *draw straws*
Glorfindel: *mutters* Oh, the joy. GAH! SENTENCE FRAGMENTS! And a random end-parenthesis!
Serra: Awww, c'mere! *holds a hand out to the misplaced comma and end-parenthesis* Can we keep them?
Vader: No! We have enough mini-Balrogs without adopting stray punctuation!
Serra: <_<


Looking down, I moved slowly across the smooth rocks and nearly slipped a couple of times.

Pippin: Why couldn't she completely fall and drown? <_<

Gave the old heart a bit of a start, to say the least.
I had just about reached the other side when the throbbing in my head worsened,

Darry: Oh? The Sue's injured? :evil:

and I felt a stab of pain move from the back of my skull to my thoracic spine.

Cin: Her bwah? :huh:

Stumbling to the edge of the water, I fell to my knees and grabbed the back of my head. Pulling my hand away, I saw fresh blood. This was not good. I needed help and quickly, before I lost consciousness.

Darry: No, see- if you're unconscious, then you're defenceless against the assorted wild animals that could eat or kill you!
Glorfindel: Not necessarily. Wild animals generally know to avoid Sues.
Darry: Damn. <_<


The sides of my field of vision started greying out and I knew it was too late.

Pippin: Dun dun DUUUUUN!


I dragged myself to the grass under the foot of a tree

Serra: Ah, perfect for the tree to squash her! :evil:

and felt myself blackout again. My mind fell into the darkness.

Cin: Leaving her head an empty void.
Pippin: It wasn't already?


I felt someone grabbing me by the waist. I groaned and more pain shot through my head from the movement. I knew I should be worried, there was some stranger manhandling me,

Glorfindel: And Valar, I hope that's the PPC.

but I was so out of it I couldn't muster the energy. Some strange language was being spoken to me,

Darry: *as an Orc* Ah, there's the latest project from Sauron's lab! Let's get it back to Barad-Dur.
Serra: *as another Orc* Naw, that's one of the ones that's been tormenting all of Middle-earth, Sauron included, for far too long. Let's go chuck it in Mount Doom.
Darry: *as the first Orc* Sounds good. :D


but I couldn't place it. The person hoisted me up over some large object and murmured some more words in my ear, and I felt myself fall into a deep sleep.
I regained a smidgen of consciousness and felt myself moving at a lolloping walk, my head bouncing slightly against the side of what seemed to be a horse.

Pippin: Ouch. Poor horse.

Just what was I doing on a horse?

Cin: Sleeping like the lazy schmuck you are. Duh.

Had I landed on someone's ranch? If so, I hoped there weren't pervy ranch hands lining up for a grope.

Darry: I should think not. Ranch hands have standards, y'know.

I wasn't exactly in the shape to kick heads in. My head was throbbing more with each jostle. I decided to let my pain become part of the public record.
"Uhhhn, God. Do you think we could stop the jostling? My head hurts like the dickens." I moaned for good measure.

Serra: Wimp.
Glorfindel: Any Sue suffering pain is good. So no, we shan't stop the jostling. *smirk*


Some more of the unknown language was uttered, as the person riding behind my body leaned into my ear.

Pippin: *tries to imagine how the heck that would work* :huh:
Cin: An entire person leaning into someone's ear? Sheesh, that can't be comfortable for either person involved...


I felt darkness close in again. Drifting into the placid warmth of sleep, I heard the person say one more thing.
"Be at peace, all will be well."

Glorfindel: Or at least it will be once we get hold of the PPC.

I woke up again, feeling the softness of a mattress beneath me and a pillow under my head.

*Theatre shakes*
Serra: New feature?
Cin: Time Warp Indicator. <_<
Serra: Uh-huh...


The throbbing had been reduced to a mild ache in the back of my skull.

All: Damn.

Opening my eyes, I saw that I was in a mutely lit room. Wood was everywhere. There was a fire crackling just out of my line of sight. I could smell some fragrant herbs,

Darry: Oh, I have no doubt of that. Hallucinogenic, more than likely.

perhaps from potpourri, but why on earth would ranchers put out potpourri?

Pippin: Like Darry said, that ain't potpourri...

It seemed a bit femme for a bunch of rough-hewn guys. Lifting my head from the pillow, I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. A willowy woman moved into eye line.

Glorfindel: A Dryad? Are we in Narnia now?

She motioned for me to lie back and said something in the unknown language.
"What? I'm sorry, but I don't understand you." I laid my head back against the pillow.

Cin: Pity. She was probably telling you to lie still while she summoned the executioner.


She smiled and motioned for me to stay where I was and left the room. A few moments later a tall willowy man entered the room

Darry: Wow. We really ARE in Narnia.
Pippin: But... the story's Lord of the Rings...
Serra: So is this a self-insert and a crossover? :huh:


and walked over to my bed. Concern and kindness resonated from him and I relaxed and blew out the breath I'd been holding.

Cin: The Force is weak with this one.

"Good day," he said, smiling at me. "We were worried about you.

Glorfindel: We feared that you were a self-insert Sue come to destroy our fandom. Now all doubt has been erased and the PPC is on their way.

That was quite a nasty concussion you suffered. We've stitched up the gash on the back of your head and given you some herbs for the pain.

Pippin: Ask no questions as to where these herbs came from.

Do you remember what happened?"
Nodding my head slightly, I grimaced at the memory. "I was walking home from the bus stop and I had a funny feeling like something was going to go wrong.

Cin: What is this? Psychic!Sue?
Darry: *reading the synopsis* Yep.
Cin: ... I was being sarcastic!
Darry: I'm not! *hands over the synopsis* See?
Cin: *groans*


Then a wind kicked up and loosened a branch high in the trees above me.

Serra: *as the wind* How does that go again? Lefty loosey, righty-tighty?- *sees the look Cin's giving her* What? :wasntme:
Cin: *just shakes his head* I think this sporking business is getting to you.
Serra: :A


It cracked and fell on my head, and I blacked out."

Pippin: Why couldn't it have killed her on impact? <_<

He frowned, "What do you mean, 'coming home from the bus stop'? I've never heard of the word 'bus'."
I thought about the feeling I had, not being able to sense home and the chasm I felt. This guy felt okay. I got the distinct impression he was intimately aware of the wiggy, so I decided to take a chance.

All: ...
Darry: Did that make a lick of sense to anyone else?
Serra: Nope.


"I'm going to tell you some stuff that sounds odd, but I have the feeling you're going to understand."

Glorfindel: I'm sure. I have a feeling that whoever this is, he's dealt with Sues before this.

I took a deep breath and began. "Never mind the bus; I don't think they have them here. The important thing is, when I woke up I wasn't on the gravel path leading to my home. I was lying on dirt and I couldn't sense my home, anywhere. It feels like I'm such a long distance from home, that time or space is creating some kind of chasm. I don't think home is anywhere near here." I didn't have a clue if I was making sense.

Serra: Don't worry. You're not.

He frowned and then said, "That is odd. Why don't you tell me about yourself, and maybe we can get to the bottom of this mystery?"
I wasn't sure where to begin, but being well-bred,

Darry: The Sue's a dog? :huh:

I thought introductions were in order. "My name is Karyn and I live in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. I'm terribly sorry, and you would be?"

All: *cringe at the enraged scream from medbay*
Pippin: It could be worse. The Sue could be from Alberta.
Cin: Remind me to tell Xaja that she does NOT want to move to BC. Evidently Vancouver's populated with psychic!Sues.
Serra: How'd Xaja end up in medbay, anyway?
Glorfindel: You REALLY don't want to know. Trust me.


"Ah yes, I was remiss with giving you my name. I'm Elrond, lord of Imladris. You are amongst the race of Elves." He smiled gently.

Glorfindel: *groans* Not you, mellon nin!

My mind gibbered slightly. Elves? "I'm sorry, you did say Elves?"

Pippin: No, he said Orcs- your distant relations, dontcha know.

"Yes. You were found on the banks of the river Bruinen; you were unconscious at the time."
Ah, gotcha. Elves. If I wasn't so 'of the wiggy' I might be freaking out about now, but wiggy things happened to me all the time and I had spirit walked to other planes of existence on several occasions.

All: HUH?


The news that I was amongst Elves just solidified my assumption that I was not on the same plane where my home was located. I was really hoping for a coma, so that I was only just spirit walking. The only problems being I didn't have the silver thread trailing from my foot. Also, I was interacting with the inhabitants of this world. I could never interact when I was spirit walking. This was an unpleasant departure of what I had experienced with the wiggy.

Serra: ... Okay then. Let's just come to the conclusion that the Sue's on spice or something, okay?
Darry: Sounds good to me. I wonder what she's smoking, so I know to avoid it in the future...


I decided to invest myself in the experience and see what information I could glean to help me get back or adapt to what I was experiencing.
"Well I didn't wake up at the river's edge. I had walked for a while and then crossed the river. Who found me?"
"Lord Glorfindel found you and brought you to us.

All: GLORFINDEL!
Glorfindel: OI! I had NO part in this whatsoever! That's an imposter!


It was fortuitous he did, for there have been yrch raids along our borders as of late."

Glorfindel: Pity. Other!me should have just left you to the Orcs.


"Raids? Like bands of thieves?" I needed to get a grasp on the situation if there was a plausible enemy threat.

Cin: Oh, there's an enemy threat. You're it.

"No, these are servants of darkness. They war against the races not aligned with Melkor and Sauron.

Darry: Uh, hello? Third Age? No one said Melkor- everyone called him Morgoth!

One should not be alone in the wilds when they are afoot." Elrond placed his hand against my face.

Serra: No, he put his hand against the Sue's throat and then proceeded to strangle her.

"Do you not have anything like them where you are from?"
"No. Not unless you count corrupt men and Suethors. My world has seen much war due to the greed and hatred of these men and the stupidity of those who think they can write." I looked around for my pack. "Where is my pack? I was wearing it when I fell unconscious."
Elrond gestured to a corner of the room. "It is sitting in the corner. You have many odd objects inside it."

Glorfindel: There. Much better. :D *puts the keyboard down*
Pippin: *as Elrond* There's this thing with the buttons that makes strange noises, and then there's this picture of- is that Elrohir?!...


"Ummm, yes. My stuff would be strange to you. Would you bring it to me please?" I moved to get up.
"No, I don't want you moving just yet. I will bring it to you." He glided across the floor and picked up my bag. "This is quite heavy for a mortal woman to bear. How is it that you could walk a distance with this on your back?"

Cin: Butch!Sue is butch.

I smiled. "That would be the padded back, the waist and chest straps and the wide shoulder straps. It distributes the weight evenly and provides stability when moving over rough terrain. I got it from Mountain Equipment Co-op in Vancouver. They manufacture outdoors equipment. It can go through a lot of abuse and not tear or fray."

Serra: ... And we're supposed to care about this... how?

I pushed my self into a sitting position and took the pack from Elrond. "Thank you very much." Opening the pack, I pulled out my Evian and my pullover. Reaching deep into the opening, I grabbed the bottle of Percocet and drew it out.
"This is Percocet. It's an analgesic, and is quite strong. It's used for post-surgical pain and other types of pain. I would've used it on my head if I remained awake to take it. I have a whole bunch of medications in my bag." I handed the bottle to Elrond.

Cin: Patronizing!Sue is patronizing. Poor Elrond...

He fiddled with the childproof cap and looked at me. "I cannot open this device. Why do you have it on your person?"

Darry: When in doubt, give it to a child. They can open those things.

I took the bottle back. "I have to carry a whole bunch of medications because I get sick easily and I suffer from big headaches called migraines. They can really hurt me with the pain. I also have a lot of allergies and I have to carry things to prevent my death if I come into contact with what I'm allergic to."
Elrond looked concerned. "What are allergies?"

Pippin: I should think that the legendary healer of Rivendell would know what an allergy is. *shakes his head*

"Oh, well it when your immune system, the system that fights off disease and helps keep your body healthy, develops a sensitivity to any element it comes in contact with, and it treats it like a disease and fights it. Not everything it comes into contact with will cause this reaction. Just certain things. It can occur at any point in life and disappear just as quickly. My body has been warring with the external environment and as such, I've developed a great number of allergies. For instance, cedar reacts with me and my eyes swell shut and my throat swells, making it hard for me to breathe. It only happens with long term exposure to fresh cedar. Old wood is fine." I looked at him with a reassuring smile. "I think it's the pollen that fresh cedar gives off."

Cin: Ramble!Sue likes to-
Darry: We got it already, Drallig!
Cin: :wasntme:


Elrond nodded and got up. "I understand. Some supper will be brought to you, but I want you to stay in bed until I say otherwise. Melima will help you, if you require assistance.

Glorfindel: I presume that's the Dryad from earlier?


I will check on you later." He walked out of the room.
My mind struggled to grasp all the information I had received from Elrond. Was I really in Tolkien's Middle Earth? And if I was, how did I get here?

Pippin: Same way every other Sue gets to Arda- through a bored Suethor with nothing better to do.

Why could I not understand the unknown language but understand Elrond? Admittedly I had been through quite a bit of unexplainable things, but this was a topper. Being hit by the branch must've caused some sort of neurological distress or catastrophic event, because I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I arrived in a fictional world.

Serra: Neither can we, but we'd LOVE for you to figure out a way to get OUT of said fictional world.

Maybe I was in a coma and this was all a chemically induced hallucination. Maybe my brain was having problems

Cin: Ain't that the truth.


with neutropeptides. There was no logical explanation for what seemed to be going on.

Glorfindel: FINALLY! A Suethor who understands how illogical this is!
Pippin: Too bad she's probably going to keep going with this, lack of logic notwithstanding. <_<


I filed my questions away and decided to treat things like they were real, until I could figure out what was really happening to me. I didn't want to have a negative effect on my current well-being, so I decided to let the Elves take the lead and try and obtain as much information as I could so perhaps I could rectify the situation and find myself back in my own reality.

Glorfindel: Long enough sentence there?

Whatever that may be.

Darry: The depths of Hell from where Sues come from. Hey, is that the end of the chapter?



“That's strange,” said Cin to Serra as the team fled the theatre. “You're the first returning guest sporker we've had.”

“Odd indeed,” said Serra. “But at least THIS one didn't star me.” She shuddered at the memory of “a sith and a jedi” before shrugging. “Well, nice to see you again, Master, but now I've got to-”

“Oh, you're not going anywhere, Knight Keto,” spoke Darth Vader as he appeared around the corner. “With Xaja in sickbay due to insanity, the hormone levels in the theatre are severely out of whack and-”

“Oh, HELL, no! I'm NOT staying here! You can't make me!” Serra glared at the Sith Lord defiantly.

“Oh, yes, I can.” If Vader could have smirked, he would have. “I still have contact with Count Rugan and can have all manner of Atton-slash fics sent to the Pit of Despair. And you wouldn't want Atton to suffer like that, would you?”

Serra didn't say anything, although her pale face was answer enough.

“That's what I thought. Your Master will show you to the cell block.” Vader turned and walked off, evilly chuckling as the doors slammed shut behind him.

“... Well, welcome to the team, Serra.” Darry sighed. “C'mon, we'll show you around and-”

“Serra?” Obi-Wan poked his head out of the communal cell where he and Neo had been working on the escape plans. The Jedi blinked before a glimmer of a smile appeared on his face. “Well, a third Jedi is going to make this plan a LOT easier.”

“What plan, Obi-Wan?” asked Serra, immediately curious.

“Oh, just a little something Neo and I came up with during the last chapter. It goes a little like this...” Obi-Wan dropped his voice to a whisper to explain the plan to Serra.

An evil grin soon appeared on the female Knight's face. “Hmm. Maybe I won't be here as long as Vader thinks after all.”


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