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Love me Forever; Eomer is the one stuck with a Sue
Topic Started: Feb 13 2011, 11:25 PM (487 Views)
athenarena
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Master of the Rings
Title: Love me Forever
Author: kurounue13
Rating: T
Genre: Lord of the Rings
Text it is based on: Love me Forever
Characters: Ellen, Lancelot, Balian and Galahad
Summary: Gimli’s adopted daughter escapes Moria, goes to Rohan and ensnares Eomer.
Warnings: Sue, Sappiness.

Ellen knew that Hitler was up to something evil but she had not expected this. Alcohol had been given more freely amongst the prisoners. Hitler was a teetotal –Ellen was not willing to disclose anything about Hitler- and there would no benign reason for him to hand over the alcohol. Balian still refused Ellen any of it while the knights drunk themselves into a stupor. Also, Hitler and the SS had treated the knights more cordially. That was a huge reason why Ellen had mentioned nothing on Hitler. Sarmatia lay in Eastern Europe, countries there had been torn apart by Hitler –and Stalin- and he had always seen their people as subservient. So, there was no reason to butter up to the two knights. The worst she had expected was a more rigorous, more frequent round robin. She had never expected a full freaking story!

Not an hour prior, Himmler had shown up and had barked that they would be sporking their first story continuously instead of a round robin. The others had stared in complete shock as Ellen’s book thudded to the ground after her grasp had relaxed from the shock of hearing it. The knights had begun swearing and arguing but Himmler had gotten himself out of there before anything had become physical. Balian had gripped a chair while muttering –probably in prayer, who was so like Shay Given- and Ellen was sure she had heard the word Angey. Ellen thanked whatever deity had had the sense to put her in the same room as a seasoned sporker. She pinched her nose and sat still for several moments to try and wrap her head around it.

Finally, the air raid badfic sign went off and Ellen followed the others into the theatre to begin it.

Looks like Ellen would have to call upon her spork friends to get more – a lot more- alcohol in to keep her steady as she was banned from the stuff.

Balian: Where is the disclaimer?
Ellen: The most glaring foreshadowing to a dreadful, god awful story is the lack of disclaimer.
Balian: In other words we are screwed.


Introduction

One week ago, my family at Moria was destroyed. I managed to escape, but not unscathed.

Lancelot: I thought nobody escaped Moria. I mean *beat* she is a Sue; of course she must escape an unescapable thing.
Galahad: She is the Sue. She is speshful. She has to survive Moria. How else is she supposed to ensnare her lust object?
Ellen: Who is not Legolas this time. Lucky guy gets a break this time.


For one whole day I ran, I ran for as long and as far as I could.

Balian: If you are hurt, you cannot run. You would fall unconscious about half way.
Lancelot: Really? Logic went out the window that fast? I don’t think alcohol ever did that to me quite quickly.


That is until I reached the forest of Lothlorien. I awakened some days later with the Lady Galadria and Lord Celeborn by my bed.

Ellen: *pulls out mini-balrog* Hello, Galadria. We need to get you some bacon. I hope we can keep it.
Galahad: As if the lord and lady of Lothlorien would have had time or cared about you! Seriously, no need to slam dunk the Sue basket so early in the chapter. We get it, your character is awesome, your character is as important as the ring-bearer. God I need alcohol. *Balian hands him some* Thank you.
Ellen: You need to stop using logic like now. Galahad, with your temper this will not end well and our master might do something to you. I just got used to you.


For one week they allowed me to stay in their domain.

Lancelot: All the way planning on how to kill the Sue so to save Gimli from meeting her again.
Balian: They may not have liked the dwarves but even they could not allow something like you torture them.


Once I was healed they sent me on my way.

Ellen: (As Lady Galadriel) I am so happy to be finally getting rid of you. Once you are gone we will have to a party.
Lancelot: (as Lord Celeborn) and do not forget to scourge the room clean and burn the sheets. We must get rid of all trace of the Sue.


Not before Galadria had a word with me. "Kilana, at one point your father, Gimli will come to this forest with the Fellowship."

Galahad: (As Lady Galadriel) So I am getting rid of you so you do not upset him.
Ellen: (As Kilana) That is fine, I must go on adventure to make my true love fall obsessively and stupidly in love with me for all I have gone through. (Back as Ellen) On a side note, what the hell is with a name like Kilana?
Balian: It is supposed to be unique but it just sounds stupid.


I looked at her then I removed my necklace father had given me. Then I placed it in her hand, "When you see him, no doubt he'll think I have perished. Give him this and my love. Tell him I am well."

Balian: I think she would have preferred to tell him you are dead. Die, Sue, die.
Lancelot: If only. They never do.


She smiled at me before embracing me, "I shall. Now your weapons are sharpened and ready. I wish you luck on your journey." I bowed to her and continue on with Haldir.

Galahad: We want you to fall on them several times.
Lancelot: And put us out of our misery before we do something completely crazy.


"Once you have reached the Aragonath let the boat go over the falls.

Ellen: (as Lady Galadriel) So you drown quite slowly and leave us in peace.
Balian: Thank you for offering us another way to kill you. We are gaining quite a collection.
Ellen: And imagine all the ways that the other MSTs have collected. We have a really big collection. I bags torturing as my name comes from Old French and my family might have been torturers.
Balian: I think I prefer that to this story.


After about a day or so you will reach the realm of Rohan."

Galahad: Somebody send word to Rohan so they can prepare for this abomination!
Ellen: We tried, it died. Rohan is on its own unfortunately. Maybe we can prayer for its soul? It is all we can do.


He grabbed my arm gently and turned me to look at him. "Be safe, my lady."

Lancelot: We now have to do a Sue exorcism on Haldir. However, I think he would prefer it to this.
Balian: Anything is preferable to this to be honest.


His one hand cupped my cheek as he leaned in to plant a gentle kiss upon my forehead.

Galahad: And promptly died from disgust. Lucky bastard gets to escape.

Within the small boat was a cloak, food and other supplies. I turn to Haldir "I cannot thank you all enough." Haldir smiled then helped me into the boat.

Ellen: while slowly drilling holes into it to ensure it sunk and the waste of the Sue would wash away.

I place the cloak around my shoulders, then, with one last glance to my new found friends. I pick up and paddle and start rowing.

I looked back, only once; I saw Haldir, Lady Galadria and Lord Celeborn. When I looked back I felt a tear run down my face.

Lancelot: Cliché! How many of those are we going to see?
Ellen: Too many to count. However, I am sure the three of them were crying tears of joy.
Lancelot: Compared to our tears of agony.


I didn't know if I would ever see them again. I didn't know if I would ever see my father again. Gimli, the dwarf, was the only father I had ever known. No, I would see him again. I just had to think positive about that.

Balian: Sadly for Gimli. He was really hoping you had forgotten about him. That is why he dumped you on his cousin. To get rid of you and have a normal life.
I will see him again.
Galahad: Poor Gimli, I feel for you. Hopefully you do not see her too soon and can enjoy that little respite.

The doors flung open and the four sporkers hightailed it back to their rooms to try and recover some of their sanity. Their sanity was mostly found in the bottom of a bottle. But to them, a hangover was better than a Sue any day.

I am currently taking donations, for Everton FC. I am afraid that our chairman has forgotten to cough up. So if you could hand me a penny and I will dance for you :P.

I am the monkey and you hold the box, so be nice with that. I don't want to dance like that!


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athenarena
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Master of the Rings
The four trooped in with despondent looks on their faces and alcohols under their arms or in their jackets. Ellen was sitting beside Galahad in front of Balian to hide the fact she had alcohol. Lancelot was beside Balian.

Ellen: Luckily the chapters are short. The sooner this is done, the sooner we will get out of here.
Galahad: And we made sure to have plenty of alcohol to be prepared.
Lancelot: We are learning quickly how to deal. *swigs alcohol*


Chapter one:

Kilana arrived at the Aragonath within a few hours time.

Lancelot: Wait, wait it took the Fellowships a day – at least I think- to reach the falls at least. This Sue has no upper body strength that we know of and can do it faster than grown men. That’s it I am calling for her capture and torture.
Balian: I think we had our first snapping. *ties Lancelot to his seat*
Ellen: The first of many, I am sure. Luckily, I am already insane so I cannot snap, I hope.


When she reached the falls she emptied out the boat before sending it over the falls. She stood there and watched till the small boat had completely gone over the falls. She sighed before placing the small pack on her back. Once her weapons were sheathed and in their proper places she was on the move.

Galahad: to get away from all the Elves hunting her as vengeance for fouling Lothlorien and for daring to pollute the air around their Lord and Lady.
Balian: And they were armed with spoons and grease to run the Sue’s complexion and speshful hair.


Right now all she could think about was reaching the kingdom of Rohan and the great city of Edoras.

Lancelot: Rohan are in deep trouble. I really wish that messenger had not died. I almost feel sorry for them.
Balian: Almost?
Lancelot: We are stuck reading this stuff, they have a chance to run and hide, we do not.


Her mind only drifted off a few times when she thought about Gimli her father. Kilana hoped that he was alright.

Ellen: He is alright as long as you are not around him. He is stalling so he does see you yet.
Galahad: He does not miss you; in fact he is rejoicing every moment he is spending away from you.


Meanwhile,

Ellen: Great break author, great way to building suspense, shifting POVs, fabulous work. You should win a Nobel Literature Prize for this *heavy sarcasm*
Balian: No need to insult the Nobel Prizes or Sweden. I think they have suffered enough without this being shoved underneath their noses.


Gimli and the Fellowship reached the room where his Cousin Balin's coffin lay. Gimli ran into the room as Gandalf shouted for him. Gimli knelt in front of his cousin's coffin and wept. If Balin was dead, where was Kilana? Where was his daughter?

Lancelot: (as Gimli) I need to see her body to know she is dead. Please be dead, please let me be free of her perfection and be a normal Dwarf again.
Galahad: Poor guy gets no freedom from the monstrosity that is a Sue.
Ellen: We really should send him some mead as a thank you for putting up with her for so long and then getting no peace when she could be dead.
Balian: I will supply the best French wine for him. Poor guy, stuck with a daughter like that.


Gimli saw something sparkle out of the corner of his eye.

Balian: It was the Sue’s shampoo.
Ellen: It was a mithril suit to defend him against the sickly sweetness of the Sue.
Galahad: it is our souls and his dying from contact with the Sues
Lancelot: It was enough money so he could pay for his therapy.


Clutched in one of the dead Dwarf's had, was a ring.

Galahad: Your description sucks *Ellen stares at him* What?! I picked up on your language. You have been swearing about this left right and centre since we got it.
Balian: At least you are innocent of some other worse works sporked. *Ellen and Balian shudder at the thought*
Galahad: And I intend to stay that way.


Gimli picked up the ring and held it in his hand. "No." The tears came like rain now. "NO!" She was dead; his beloved daughter was dead "Kilana." He muttered her name over and over under his breath as he clutched her ring tightly in his hand.

Lancelot: Where is Arthur when you need him? We could use his faith in his God.
Ellen: Or we could have used of him to hold a service for the sake of canon Gimli.
Balian: That guy died when Suethors arrived and is currently enjoying the afterlife. Although, I would have preferred if the Sue hated Gimli. He gets a respite then from this sweetness.

"Who is Kilana?" Pippin asked "She was his daughter." All eyes looked at Gandalf. They did not know that Gimli had a daughter.

Galahad: And from that moment on, the Fellowship wished they had never heard that name or anything of Gimli’s daughter. It would have saved them a fortune on therapy if she had stayed unknown.

Kilana had now reached the land of Rohan; she stopped momentarily to catch her breath.

Balian: At that moment as she was catching her breath, somebody came up behind her and gagged her before messing up her hair and dirtying her face.
Lancelot: The Sue died of disgust and we all lived happily ever after.
Galahad: I would pay to read that sort of ending.

Her blue eyes now scanned the vast land before her, searching for any danger.

Ellen: As she was the danger, the Rohirrim were hiding, deciding when it would be best to drop a boulder on her head and kill her.

Once again she was on the move she ran long and she ran far.

Galahad: Another Mary Sue sign. Let me count the ways I hate you.
Balian: I think Shakespeare pities you enough to not get mad in his grave for plagiarising his work even with the tweak.
Lancelot: Maybe his love sonnets can become our hate sonnets?
]

Till her legs could no longer carry her. She leaned against a massive rock.

Ellen: I feel more sympathy for the rock than you.

She froze when she felt the cold metal of a blade pressed against her throat.

Lancelot: DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE. Finally somebody sees sense and decides to kill the Sue.
Balian: Unfortunately, knowing Suethors this logic won’t last long and she will soon have the character begging at her feet.
Lancelot: Allow me hope for just a moment please!


She looked out of the corner of her eye to see a man close to her age.

Ellen: And we learn absolutely nothing about this man whatsoever.
Galahad: The Suethor must not have thought of him important enough compared to her Sue to describe.


"Who are you?" Kilana put her hands up as a sign that she meant no harm to him.
"My name is Kilana and I am heading to Edoras. I merely stopped to rest my legs."

Reluctantly the man lowered his sword and removed his helmet. He was quite handsome. His blondish hair fell past his shoulders, fair skin and blue eyes.

Lancelot: (to Ellen) you were saying?
Ellen: That still gives us very little description! *huffs*


"I am Théodred, son of King Théoden. I do apologies my lady but with Orcs roaming around our land. We cannot be too careful." Kilana smiled grimly.

Balian: Well that was a quick turnaround.
Ellen: Sues, they always make you fall in love with them in the click of a finger.
Balian: I am praying for that poor boy’s soul from now on.
Ellen: Pray for us all Balian, pray for us all.


“I understand all too well, tell me Théodred, what are you doing so far from your city?" Théodred sighed, "We have been tracking some Orcs. My father grows ill; it seems as if the very life is being taken from him as the days pass on.

Lancelot: Stupid imbecile twit! You do not give away that much information.
Galahad: Calm down, she is Sue and there is no logic. Hence, why Théodred is giving away so much without knowing the person. You are going to kill yourself if you continue. I may hate you most of the time but I do not want you dead.


"For now Milady you will come with us till we return to Edoras."

Ellen: *holds up a sign* EDORAS DOES NOT WELCOME SUES. PLEASE TRY AGAIN WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN DESUED OR ARE DEAD.
Lancelot: How many curse words is that missing?
Ellen: Infinity, infinity of curse words.


Kilana once again nodded her head before following Théodred to where the rest of the "hunting party" was. Théodred hoisted himself up onto his saddle before offering his hand to Kilana.

Ellen: That boy is now under her spell! We need to burn the Sue! *Galahad and Lancelot look confused while Ellen quietly snorts.* What? The Sue is destroying Théodred; she must pay for her crimes.
Galahad: We will add it to the list we are compiling.
Balian: Number 3000 plus, burn Sue.


than With an effortless ease she too hoisted herself up onto the horse.

"Onward!"

Théodred shouted as he rode on.

Lancelot: I was going to make a sexual reference but I do not want to be hit or knocked out.*Galahad shuts up as well*
Ellen: You are growing up and maturing? I think I am going to need smelling salts. *mock high pitched voice* oh my nerves. *beat* Oh wait, you do not know Pride and Prejudice, moving on time.
Lancelot: the chapter is almost done anyway. *cheers from all sporkers*


Kilana received many stares from the men around her. "My lord, your men, why is it they stare?"

Balian: They want to kill you for the damages you have caused to their commander.
Galahad: A mercy killing if you will –for us and them not you.


Théodred let out a small chuckle, "Have you not been around men before? You are human lady Kilana?"

Ellen: At least it is not an elf. I think I would have hurled if it was ANOTHER FREAKING ELF!

Kilana nodded "Yes, but I was raised by Dwarves. I have never been around other humans before."

Lancelot: Who here is going to logic’s funeral? *all raise hand* At least logic will be well represented at the funeral. All decent writers will be there.

Théodred looked over his shoulder at her. "Why were you raised by Dwarves?"

Galahad: And cue sob story that has everybody pitying the Sue while also using it as an excuse for her behaviour.
Balian: I think Suethors are sharing the same brain, as they all write the same garbage.


She sighed "My parents were killed when I was but a child. Gimli and his cousin Balin found me. Gimli became my father."

Lancelot: I don’t care Sue now move on. If only there was a plot.
Ellen: Luckily, these chapters are short. I would not want to go through some of Angey’s or Shadow08’s one
Balian: What did I say about that name?! Besides, we did one of those.
Ellen: Sorry! But it had to be said. Her chapters were huge! I feel so sorry for Mac going through her and Refie with Shadow08.


"Where is he now?" "He went off to Rivendell for the council meeting."

Galahad: I thought the council meeting was called together impromptu, not arranged before hand.
Ellen: That is correct but you think a Suethor cares? No! So stop trying to give yourself a migraine by using logic in this story. It just won’t work.


Kilana took a breath, "I went to stay with Balin. The Dwarves at Moria no longer live. Goblins came and destroyed my family."

Lancelot: Logic and story states they did not hear from the Dwarves in Moria for YEARS although me using logic is like asking for a bad headache.
Balian: But you ask for that every night. *Lancelot glowers*


Théodred felt her pain,

Ellen: I will just say WHAT?! That makes no frigging sense!

"I am sorry milady."

Galahad: It is us you should be apologising to Théodred for not dispatching her when yo uhad the chance.

Kilana patted his armored shoulder and once again had to endure the constant stares.

The doors of the theatre were flung open by some SS henchman and the four flew out of there as if snapping wolves were at their heels in case Hitler decided to add a chapter on if they did not move out of there fast enough.
I am currently taking donations, for Everton FC. I am afraid that our chairman has forgotten to cough up. So if you could hand me a penny and I will dance for you :P.

I am the monkey and you hold the box, so be nice with that. I don't want to dance like that!


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athenarena
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Master of the Rings
All four enter the theatre with food and alcohol although how they are going to eat the food is beyond them. They just want comfort.
Ellen: ok, we are halfway with this thing. We will survive, we will survive.

Chapter two:

Eomer and his men rode swiftly to look for his cousin.

Lancelot: *heavily sarcastic* I commend you on your description and your reliance on people remembering everything from the books/movies. Get off your lazy ass, learn proper English and describe. You should have added Théodred. You should have added where they came from, how many men etc.
Balian: Ah my friend but that would require more brainpower than the Suethors have. They are too busy lusting over their counterparts to think properly and actually write. We are lucky this makes some sense part of the time.


They found his men, all of them dead.

Ellen: Wait, Eomer’s men or his cousin? You can only use a pronoun when you have mentioned the person earlier in the sentence. I reiterate what Lancelot states and as punishment demand lines from the Sue.
Galahad: Saying what? I must write like a proper human being instead of writing with lust and expecting to be praised for it while torturing people with this garbage? Never going to get done.
Ellen: Or we could just chop the hands off of the Suethor.
Galahad: She would still have some way to write.


"Spread out and search!"

Balian: Hello, disembodied voice, how nice of you to join us for the day. Won’t you just flee now? Yours sincerely, eternally confused.

Eomer and his men searched the many bodies looking for the king's son.

Lancelot: King gets capital. Have we really got so immune to her dreadful plot we are going after grammar now?
Galahad: Suethor is guilty of many crimes, we must educate her or make barring that, make fun of everything to stay somewhat sane.


"OVER HERE!" Eomer rushed over to where the man had called from. Eomer rolled over the body "He lives," "E-Eomer?" Eomer leaned down to his cousin, "Théodred what is it?" Théodred took a breath, "Kilana, you must find her. I will not leave her behind."

Ellen: Luck Suethor, stop affirming the fact that you cannot write. New person talking? New Line. *sighs* Ignore your cousin Eomer; he has been trapped by a Sue. Run away now while you still have a chance. Take your men and leave. We like you; we do not want you stuck with Sue.
Balian: (as Théodred) you must finish my work and dispatch her to Hell at once. She must burn so we can sleep at night. I am sorry I did not kill the Sue, think well of me cousin. Finish the job and kill her.


Eomer shook his head "No we have to get you back to Edoras-"

Galahad: Finally some sense in this hell hole of a story! Please keep it Eomer, if you love your country keep it.

"The-that was an o-order. I will not leave Kilana here." Eomer looked at one of his soldiers, "Find the woman." He nodded, "Spread out, look for a wounded woman!"

Lancelot: and with such sweet sorrow, Eomer parts with his logic, sanity and canon by agreeing to it. We will mourn the loss greatly while trying to save your sister from a bashing from the Sue.

"I found her!"

Ellen: and unparallel woe falls on Rohan faster than one could click their fingers.

Eomer left his cousin under the watch of his men. When he saw the woman he froze.

Galahad: With horror.
Balian: with disgust.
Lancelot: with lust *Ellen smacks him*. Fine, with a feeling of nausea running through him.
Ellen: I am hiding that dictionary. He froze with dread.


She was unconscious and there was a large wound to the side of her head.

Galahad: *sneers* let me guess that did not hinder her beauty. I hate Sues.
Balian: We all do. We all do except the Suethor and her mindless minions.


Half of her face was covered in blood, and there was no doubt in Eomer's mind it came from the wound.

Ellen: Well duh. When did Eomer swallow the stupid pill?
Lancelot: I think the Suethor hid it in his mead. That is a lot of blood unfortunately not enough.
Ellen: It is not a third of her body’s blood which would kill her but a blow like that would definitely do brain damage.
Balian: Nothing to damage. There is no brain in Sue.


"Bring her with us, she's alive."

Galahad: *holds up sign* Edoras wants the Sue killed. Third marshal, the King orders you to kill Sue. Do it now! *puts sign down* maybe we should hold a service in memory of Canon Eomer? Canon Eomer would never have agreed to this.

Kilana was picked up and carried over to where the horses awaited. Kilana rode with one of Eomer's men, while rode with his cousin.

Lancelot: WTF? That last sentence makes no sentence and makes it sound extremely dodgy. My head is reeling.

Once at Edoras Eomer took Théodred to his room, and had one of his men take Kilana to his own room.

Balian: Eomer would never do that! Eomer was a gentleman, Eomer would not…
Galahad: Stop it, the Sue wants whatever dodgy and hole-filled excuse as for why she is in Eomer’s room and why they are around each other so much that she lures Eomer into being out of character and falling for her.


She was tended to by healers, who made sure her cut was cleaned and bandaged. Eomer's sister Eowyn came to Théodred's room and sat along side her brother. Théodred was in very bad shape, he would be lucky to survive.

Ellen: And the Suethor turns one of the best moments from actual angst, drama and damn well emotion into a farce. She is just like “look at me, I am so great, look at what I have written, aren’t you all so upset?” I hate you Suethor, I will get my vengeance on you I swear it.
Lancelot: Who is acting like Tristan now?


After some time Eomer came to his room to check upon Kilana. When he arrived he noticed that his bed was emptied. Eomer was grabbed from behind and shoved into the wall. Kilana stood there with her dagger at his throat. "Where is Théodred? What have you done with him?" Her voice was calm, this surprised Eomer. "He is in his room, resting. You are at Edoras milady."
Kilana slowly lowered her blade before sheathing it. "I apologize," "No apologies necessary, you did not know where you were. Many would have done the same in your position."

Galahad: WHAT?! Have you lost your senses?! That woman was going to kill you and you act like nothing happened. Where is the real Eomer being kept? We need to kill this impostor.
Ellen: Sign of Mary Sue, forgiven of everything, no matter how bad in the blink of an eye. The logical thing for Kilana to have done was to wait until she got information before attacking. Also, isn’t she supposed to have oh I don’t know a freaking concussion from that hit?!
Galahad: Thank god for alcohol. *swigs absinthe*.


Kilana nodded "May I see Théodred?" Eomer nodded and lead her to Théodred's room. She entered the room after Eomer to see a blond haired woman sitting beside Théodred.

Balian: I think that is the nicest I have heard people call Eowyn in these stories.
Lancelot: Don’t hold your breath, no doubt it gets worse but for now it is so-so. This writer needs to have the books shoved down her throat to understand description and maybe one of her *points at Ellen* massive ones as well for to ensure she gets the message.


"My sister Eowyn" Kilana gave her a nod before she walked over and sat down on the opposite side of the bed "Théodred?" She asked softly,

"He cannot hear you milady."

Ellen: Disembodied voice came back again except it is female this time. I thought we told them to flee. Welcome voice, now go home. We do not need more things to pity in this story; we already have Théodred, Eowyn and Eomer to pity over.
Galahad: And have funerals for. We are going to have to have funerals for the death of their characters.


Kilana ignored her, and took Théodred's limp hand in hers, "Théodred." She called his name again, and this time Théodred's eyes opened "K-Kilana?" She gently stroked his head.

"I am here Théodred."

Eomer and his sister watched slightly stunned.

Lancelot: They were hoping Théodred had died so he would not have to meet the Sue again.

"I-I was afraid, the-that you had died." Kilana smiled, "Don't worry; it'll take much more than that to kill me." Théodred beckoned her to lean down so as he could whisper something to her. Eomer tired to listen to what Théodred was saying, but to no avail.

Balian: Eomer was ensuring that Théodred did not say his true intentions to the Sue so Eomer could finish her off later with a blunt fork. Also how was he tired from listening? Stupid person do not you mean tried?

"For what it is worth, I think I have fallen in love with you my lady." Kilana smiled, "I had hoped to get to know you better, and perhaps you would have fallen for me as well."

All four sporkers: *deadpan* Of course you have fallen in love with her that quickly having only known her one day.

Kilana raised her head to look Théodred in the eye, "For what it is worth Théodred," she whispered back, "I would have gladly gotten to know you better. And perhaps I would have fallen for you."

Galahad: Théodred was now more thankful than ever he was dying as he could leave this fic with not plot and littered with English mistakes. He was sorry to be leaving his family in the clutches of the harpy, I mean Sue but he did not want to be anywhere near her sickly perfection any longer.

Kilana gave Théodred a gentle kiss upon his cheek. "Sleep now, my friend, for you need to save your strength."

Théodred nodded and closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep. Kilana sat for only a moment longer, then stood from Théodred's side and left the room. Even though she had only known Théodred for but a short while, she felt as though she was losing a close and dear friend.

Ellen: Cut the wangst Sue, you are not gaining any empathy from anybody. You only look pathetic.

As she walked down the halls towards the main entrance, she felt tears forming in her eyes. She came to stop at just outside the doors and then ran to the stables, so no one could see her cry.

As soon as she entered she shut the doors behind her, noticing soon that it was only her.

Balian: wait but did she not just say that she went into the stables so nobody can see her cry.
Lancelot: And our Suethor falls even further in the stupidity ladder. How can you not keep logic between two freaking sentences? I mean do we have to hit you very hard on the head so you can see the mistakes in front of yours eyes?!


A friendly neigh reached her ears and Kilana turned to see one of the most beautiful horses. Never before had she seen a black horse before.

Ellen: Please do not be Brego and have her bond with later Aragorn’s horse and calm him when only Aragorn could. Also, how heartless are you Sue? You are over your upset in a second.
Balian: We already know it is a Sue, are you at all surprised that she might upstage Aragorn by taming the untameable horse? *Ellen shakes head* Also, I think Théodred prefers this, her not being upset over him.


His long main was wavy and wild, as was his tail, and his coat was the color of the night sky.

Lancelot: so she can describe albeit it with purple prose and fanciful words to look like a writer but cannot describe a person?
Galahad: I am slowly losing faith in humanity. To be able to describe an animal better than a person? Boy, does somebody have a skewed outlook on life.


Slowly approaching the large horse Kilana soon realized just how incredibly tall he was. "Hello," she said softly as she held out her hand to him. He sniffed her hand and continued to examine it for a moment. Soon he realized that she meant him no harm and he nuzzled her hand with his muzzle.

Ellen: eh horses do not really do that. For the animal to do that, it must first have been broken in and learnt to trust humans. He only nuzzles the hand when he is looking for a treat. You have not properly distinguished if this is a horse used to humans, a horse used to a select number of humans such as Eomer’s horse or if this horse is wild.

Gently Kilana stroked his face, his coat was velvety soft and his eyes were almost as black as his coat. But, once she looked closer she saw that they were not black, but a deep earthy brown. "You are a handsome one aren't you?" The horse, seeming to understand her, whinnied proudly and stood up straight with his head in the air.

Balian: Horses understand tones, not words. Also, they can not whinny proudly. That is impossible. How is this not more beaten to a pulp and taken from the internet?
Lancelot: The Suethor can get away with it because none of her minions will know the logical stuff like us so we suffer in agony while they pour mindless praise on her, inflating her ego.


Kilana laughed "Alright, alright, no need to be getting an enormous ego here." He neighed softly and nuzzled her face and she laid her head upon his.

Galahad: Where is the wild horse that will kick everything when you need it? This one needs a good kick to the ass to get some sense or a kick to the head to knock her out.
Ellen: Never going to happen, part of being a Mary Sue is being able to charm any animal without any consequences. It is supposed to make them more well rounded but just makes them annoying.


"You have charmed the beast my lady."

Ellen: My point exactly Galahad. The untameable animal is tamed within minutes without a scratch to Sue. Boy, I want to scratch her eyes out.
Lancelot: Or actually get a beast that will react properly to her which will either kill her, maim her or dirty her so much she dies from shock or goes mad enough that we can stuff her away forever.


Kilana jumped slightly and turned to see from whom the voice had come. It was Théodred's cousin, "I am sorry if I startled you. It is just you left quite suddenly and I merely wanted to see if you were all right."

Balian: Actually he was ensuring that you had not stolen anything and that he could still kill you as his cousin had asked him to.
Galahad: He also wanted to make sure you did not startle or kill one of the horses.


Kilana managed to smile "Thank you; I never did catch your name sir." He smiled
"Eomer milady."

Ellen: You are no lady. Poor Eomer needs his mouth washed out with soap for every time he calls you that.

She blushed "Please no lady, just Kilana." Eomer smiled again "As you wish Kilana."

Kilana blushed at the sound of Eomer's voice saying her name. "Tell me Eomer, this horse? Where is he from?" Eomer walked up and stood beside her and began to stroke the horse's neck. "We do not know my men just found him wandering our lands, half dead. But he is wild, or should I say was, till he found you."

Lancelot: Where is the PPC when you need it? We have an obvious case of a Sue and she is allowed to canon slaughter Eomer. We need back-up here people.
Ellen: Just imagine yourself killing her very slowly, very gruesomely every time you get mad at her, I find it helps me a lot.


Kilana looked at Eomer, "He probably just needed a gentle touch."

"Come we best get inside before it grows dark."

Balian: I thought the stables were practically besides the Golden Halls of Edoras. Then that makes no sense!
Galahad: Logic is our enemy here; we all need to stop using it so second nature as we do. She is trying to show that Eomer cares for her character but just ends up looking ridiculous. I would personally kick her outside the walls of Edoras and let the cold take her.


Kilana patted the horse gently before leaving with Eomer.

Lancelot: Lovely, now the horse can get the rest it wants away from you and your annoying Sue behaviour.
Ellen: I feel sorry for it. I wish we could end its misery.
Lancelot: By killing the Sue? I am up for that after we get out of here.
Ellen: If we get out of here.


As the two entered the Palace Kilana noticed a strange man staring at her. He had black hair, pale skin and he stood slightly hunched. "Eomer," Kilana whispered "That man is staring at me." Eomer looked and saw that it was Grima staring.

[/b]Galahad: Grima was obsessed with Eowyn. No need to insult the two Suethor by thinking a) Eowyn and your character are the same level, or B) Grima was pathetic enough to go after a Sue. [/b]

He glared and placed a hand upon Kilana's shoulder.

Eomer walked with her all the way to the room they had placed her in.

Balian: which was Eomer’s room as you stated at the beginning of the chapter. How can you not keep consistency in the same chapter? Oh that migraine is coming on. I am sending the medical bills to you kurounue13 for this torture.

She could tell that Eomer got an uneasy feeling from that man, "Eomer, who was that?" He smiled "Pay no head to him. He is but a worm." He held her hand in his and place a soft, tender kiss upon her hand.

Ellen: When did Eomer become a knight like Balian? He is a warrior not a knight. God, you have the internet do the fecking research on the time period! Men did not act like that in Saxon, Hun and Germanic cultures from which I believe the Rohirrim come from. Lazy writer, get off your fat ass, stop staring at Eomer and do proper work.
Lancelot: That will only happen in your dreams, never in reality.


“Sleep well tonight Kilana.”

The doors flung open and the four beat a hasty exit. They had run out of alcohol and food had needed to hastily restock to try and forget about the horrors that Love me Forever had thrown on them for at least one day.
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Master of the Rings
The four trudged into the theatre laden down with food and alcohol, especially alcohol. None of them were really sleeping especially since rumours were coming back of an even worse story than this one. That one had been called an Epic. This one at least they could get rid of quickly. Settling into their seats, the four waited for the screen to light up.

Chapter Three:

Kilana tossed and turned in her bed, nightmarish dreams plagued her mind.

Galahad: Was it about what we want to do with you?
Lancelot: Was it about your true wuv marrying that he was supposed to in canon?
Balian: Was it about losing all your powers so nobody noticed you anymore?
Ellen: Was it about all of the above like our most pleasant dreams?


The screeches and high pitched cries of the creatures filled her ears.

Balian: Suethor is plagued by laziness. Come on do something that we will NOT laugh at you for. Show some description. Show us you can actually be a writer.
Galahad: Less is more here. If she put more in, we would be confused as hell although that might be alright later on when we all have migraines.


"Balin," she said in a heavy breathed voice as her breathing quickened till it was almost an equal pace as her heart.

Ellen: That makes no sense whatsoever. When you are heavy breathed you are either panting or wheezing. However, you are never breathing at the rate of your heart even at either. *Lancelot gags her*
Lancelot: You are only trying to hurt yourself. We know none of her writing makes sense, it never does but you are going to cause an aneurysm. *Ellen is shocked* Yes, I know what that word means.


Her tears had begun to fall more and more.

Galahad: *on phone* dammit! The Department of Redundancy Department is overloaded. I cannot get through to them.

(Screeches)

Balian: If only you could hear our screeches of anger and pain at your work.
Ellen: *ungagged* Is that supposed to be the start of a flashback/ her nightmare? Fail Suethor, fail.


"Kilana! Run!"

Lancelot: Yes! Run into a pile of spears or impale yourself on some swords. But please! Kill yourself!/b]

"Fall back! Fall Back!"

Galahad: Yes, onto a sword. Fall back onto a sword. Just die Sue, die!

"BALIN!"

With a scream Kilana jerked awake, gasping for air she looked around. She saw nothing but her darkened room causing a long but strenuous sigh of relief.

Ellen: How do you let out a strenuous sigh of relief? I mean no real force is used to sigh. It is exhaling air, we do it without thinking. I need to whack the Sue and Suethor several times with a dictionary and then a thesaurus, and then make her eat it.
Balian: How likely is it that this is a self-insert? *Ellen makes a hand gesture saying more likely but not sure.* So, should you not just force two dictionaries and two thesauruses down the Suethor’s throat to fully get your point across.


(A/N: if that is not how Balin died please forgive me.)

All sporkers: ILLEGAL AUTHOR’S NOTE.
Lancelot: And we do not forgive you. In fact we abhor you for not doing your research! My god it is mentioned in the book and hinted at in the movie! Gain a separate brain, read the book and learn something.


Her body was covered in a thin layer of cold sweat. She removed the covers and walked over to where the bowl and pitcher were and splashed cold water on her face.

Galahad: But that just make her colder? Good god, she wants to get hypothermia so Eomer will dote on her.

Kilana glanced down and saw her hand was shaking; she grasped it in her other and held it.

Balian: Then how did she splash herself? Come on Suethor, can you not keep it together for two sentences?!

Trying to make the shaking stop, but it did not work.

Ellen: That line makes no grammatical sense. Also, when one hand is subject to shaking, normal people realise that the other hand is shaking at well.
Lancelot: Operative word here is normal. Neither Sue nor Suethor are normal. Hence our rules do not apply to them or so they think.
Ellen: But our laws do –to the Suethor anyway-, this is emotional trauma. I am suing!


The door opened slowly but Kilana paid no attention to it, "Kilana?"

Balian: We are the PPC and we are here to destroy you. Please pick up your belongings and follow us. We promise it won’t hurt.
Galahad: We need to disinfect all characters you are have been near, starting with Eomer and his family.


She knew that voice, and quickly wiped away the remaining water and tears from her face. But she stopped when she felt Eomer's hand upon her shoulder, and began trembling as the memory's flooded back to her.

Ellen: That sounds so dodgy! Stop turning Eomer into a pervert *gagged again but continues ranting at the screen*
Balian: Looks like you have a new job Lancelot.


"Please, tell me what is wrong."

Galahad: Here we go another opening for the sob story so that Eomer is so overcome with pity that he lets his Sue guard down and falls in love with Sue. Can we kill him and put him out of his misery.
Lancelot: Can we kill ourselves and put ourselves out of this misery?
*microphone cackles before Hitler comes on* No you cannot, we have taken away the suicide revolver.


"Goblins," she said finally "They killed them. They killed my family."

Balian: Unfortunately they are angry they missed their main target. You.

She turned and held onto Eomer tightly as she continued to cry.
Ellen: All the while Eomer tried to position the dagger he had so as to kill her. Seriously, I dp find ways to not be gagged.

Eomer held her close, gently comforting her. "It's alright Kilana, it's alright."

Galahad: And the completion of killing of Eomer’s character was complete. From now on, Gary Stu once known as Eomer will be known as it.
Balian: Is that an order?
Galahad: Yes.


He whispered softly as he stroked her head, trying to sooth and comforts her. (Eomer) It held Kilana till she had cried herself to exhaustion. He stayed by her side until she had completely fallen asleep.

Ellen: And then promptly suffocated in her sleep.
Lancelot: If only he would do that. But he is in love so he won’t.


(Eomer) It looked down at the sleeping woman in his arms.

Balian: Are you seriously going to do this for the entire spork?!
Galahad: Yes! We must honour the true Eomer not the OOC Eomer here.


She still clung to him with tears still lingering under her eyelashes, threatening to fall free.

Lancelot: Let me guess, this is to make her look innocent and fragile to seduce Eomer further without him releasing. All it makes me want to do is bring up my lunch
Gently he reached up and wiped them away; his fingers accidentally becoming entangled in her long hair.
Ellen: *heavy sarcasm* Of course it was an accident. Suethor only put it in to make it seem more natural. Eomer would not do this period! Ok, maybe for his sister but for a nobody he just met, you can forget about. Looks like we are going to have to have a huge funeral and a wake for poor Eomer. With plenty of alcohol *sporkers cheer*


He was surprised at how soft her hair was, and he could not resist touching it.

All sporkers: Of course he could not.

He gently ran his ungloved hand through her hair, while his eyes still lingered on her beautiful face.

Galahad: Actually it was covered with acne plastered with make-up and covered with hideous scars. Eomer took one look at it and bolted as fast as it could crying “witch”

"(Eomer) it," she said in a soft voice just barely above a whisper.

Lancelot: Which Eomer misheard because you cannot hear properly at that level of sound and promptly left. He was in the bath for over an hour to get rid of the traces of the Sue.

Was she dreaming about him? He wanted to hear her say his name again, the way it sounded as it flowed past those soft and delicate lips. It made a shiver run down his spine, causing a slight knot to form in his throat.

Balian: Eomer sounds like a lovesick boy, not a Third Marshal of the Riddermark! My god, she has made him mushy. Poor guy, I will send him lots of mead and wine to make up for the canon slaughter of his character.
Ellen: *shakes head and is visibly angry* Eomer does not act like that. I think Galahad was onto something when he changed the name to it. This is only recognizable as Eomer by the freaking name!


He nestled into the bed with her, knowing full well that she would never let go of him.

Lancelot: Clingy wenched, they are the worst. Eomer leave the money and run! She will find somebody else to cling within a week and you will be a free man
Ellen: Kind of like the way you throw them on the Pup. *Galahad glowers while Lancelot smirks, Ellen slinks down in the seat.* Just saying!


So, he succumbed to sleep‘s spell, allowing his eyes to close.

Balian: Sleep is on vacation, I am his brother Death. How may I be of service to you?
Galahad: *As Eomer.* Release me from the Sue.
Balian: *As Death.* Granted. *kills Eomer*. It is a mercy killing it has to be done; poor guy has to be allowed some peace.


Kilana awoke the next morning to find (Eomer) it still asleep by her side; he looked so peaceful.

Lancelot: That is because we killed him. He no longer suffers the Sue, so he is at peace now.

He had stayed with her?

Ellen: Actually that is his twin brother Stu, whom actually can put up with Sueness. Proper Eomer has been killed and is now been reborn in a fic where he stays in Canon.

She couldn't help but smile as he began to stir.

Lancelot: *smirks but as he opens his mouth is quickly gagged*
Balian: No reference to sex at all. I do not think I could take. We have to be democratic and gag whoever is trying to corrupt us or damage our eyedrums.


His eyes opened to reveal his lovely hazel eyes.

Ellen: *sighs.* Book Eomer had grey eyes if I remember correctly. We have figured it out. She does not lust for Eomer, she lusts for Karl Urban. He better stay in Cape Town to avoid this one and then hide out with his wife and sons in New Zealand.

"You, you're awake." He said in a half asleep voice. "Did I wake you?" She asked softly as she found herself stroking his cheek.

Galahad: That is supposed to be split woman. New person, new line. We learnt that from her *points at Ellen* rants earlier on in this sporking. I punish you with 12 canes on each hand for each offence. So that is …
Ellen: 48 hits. I thought you guys could not count.


"No, you did not." He found himself becoming entranced, "You're eyes," he reached up and cupped her face with his hand. "They are so beautiful."

Lancelot: YOUR! Get it right wench! Not you are but your. *cradles head.* Mankind is doomed.
Balian: And another Mary Sue trait, eyes that bedazzle the canon characters into contracting the Stupid. Nasty contagious disease that.


Their faces began to draw closer and closer. Right as their lips were about to touch "(Eomer) it," he groaned "Lord Eomer it."

Galahad: I am surprised none of you are annoyed about this change yet.
Lancelot: Well it is the truth, continue for the rest of the spork and we might get annoyed.
Balian: Also, who spoke? There is no name and I don’t think Eomer would refer to himself in the third person.
Ellen: I don’t know but Eomer must be thanking the Valar that they did.


Kilana sighed, "You must go before they find you here." He nodded softly as he sat up and headed towards the door.

"(Eomer)it, "he looked at her as she now stood beside the bed. "Thank you," he smiled and walked out of her room.

Lancelot: She had better thank him by paying his psychological bills and all the therapy he needs because of her.

Sometime later Eowyn came running into Kilana's room crying.

Galahad: She had been abandoned with the Sue for hours and could not no exit.
Ellen: The Sue had stolen her real brother and she could not find him anywhere.


"What is it?"

"(Eomer) it, he's been banished."

Balian: (as Eowyn) And he forgot to take me with him, that ungrateful brother of mine!

She ran to the window and saw a group of men ridding away.

Lancelot: *heavy sarcasm* I am so interested. Please continue

Kilana ran outside just as (Eomer) it turned and looked at her. The wind caught her hair and blew it across her face as she mouthed words to him. He nodded in understanding before he rode off with those loyal to him.

Ellen: That makes absolutely no logical sense. YOU CANNOT SEE MOUTHED WORDS FROM THAT FAR AWAY. THE GOLDEN HALLS ARE TOO HIGH UP AND TOO FAR FROM THE GATE. YOU STUPID SUETHOR! *snarls*. *Knights all edge slightly*. It was not that hard to see in the freaking movie!
Balian: We are done. You need to calm down now.

The doors fly open and all flee while Ellen storms out. The Knights will be ignoring her for the next few hours until her temper calms down.
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Master of the Rings
The four plod into the theatre laden down with food and alcohol. Ellen and the knights had searched in vain for the suicide revolver but wherever Hitler had hidden it, it could not be found. Headesking and alcohol had taken its place but it seemed to be doing very little. They were slowly being desensitized to the bad work. Ellen had also discovered there was a second one lying around and was doing her best to discover it so that it would never see the light of day again. No luck there.

Chapter Four

Lancelot: How many more after this?
Ellen: If the internet was correct, there is just one more although it could be updated at any point.


Kilana walked back into the palace with Eowyn holding onto her arm.

Galahad: And Eowyn becomes the next victim of the Stupid. How long before we lose her canon character?
Balian: I do not think she will last the chapter in character to be honest. Look how quickly her brother went.


Her eyes drifted around and saw him, the worm.

Balian: Who?
Ellen: The Suethor’s oh so unoriginal pun on Grima Wormtongue’s surname. Suethor expected everybody to remember so…
Balian: No, she was just too stupid to remind us and had forgotten what it truly stood for.


He was watching her again, and she didn't like it.

Lancelot: Neither did he but Saruman had ordered her to kill the greater evil that was hogging Sauron’s limelight and save Middle Earth for now.
Galahad: It was selfless and selfish; the Sue had been giving Sauron and Saruman nightmares for days. Sleep was all they wanted so Wormtongue had to do the dirty and kill her.


She glared at him in a way that would make her father proud.

Balian: Proud that he is no where near you. Gimli is getting a knot in his stomach every mile he gets closer and closer to you. He has already informed Legolas to shoot you on sight.

Then continued on towards her room, making sure the door was locked.

Galahad: Did they even how locks? We did not have them really at the wall.
Ellen: I do not think so; I definitely know the modern locks that the Suethor would have been imaging were made centuries after this was perceived in. They had some crude locks but none for doors inside the keep. Look at Helm’s Deep, they use furniture not locks.
Galahad: You are thinking too much. I will have the aspirin waiting for you if you continue this up.


She began to pack her stuff, she was leaving that night.

Lancelot: Rohan can celebrate. The Sue is leaving. *lowers disco ball and takes out the alcohol*

Once her cloths and belongings had been packed she snuck out of the palace and down to the stables. No one was there so she quietly entered the stables quietly shutting the door behind her.

Balian: Poor horses cannot escape her. Hopefully one kicks her in the head so we do not have to deal with her for a good while.

She heard a slight neigh as the horse laid eyes on her, his ears moving back and forth.

Balian: (as horse’s mind) where is the emergency exit? Must get away from Sue!

"My friend," she said as she began to stroke him, "I need your help tonight."

The horse seemed to understand, "They have banished Eomer it, and I am going to follow him."

Lancelot: And somewhere in the distance you can hear canon Eomer screaming in agony for this.
Galahad: Are you sure that is not us?


He made some soft noises as though he were speaking to her, "I do not have feelings for him." She stopped and stared at the horse wide eyed.

"Did…did you just speak?"

He let out a sigh; "Yes Kilana I can speak" he said in a very strong voice, "My name is Firvain, in the language of the Elves means Dark Spirit."

All sporkers: (silence)
Ellen: I think I speak for all when I say WTF?! HORSES CANNOT SPEAK YOU DIMWAT! THERE IS FANTASY AND THERE IS I AM SURE FAR UP MY OWN ASS THAT I DO NOT REALISE WHAT I AM DOING BUT I WANT ENDLESS PRAISE FOR IT! HOW DARE YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS! *takes breath to calm herself.” Horses cannot speak even if we could use magic, their bodies do not have the same functions as humans. Their brains have not been wired to speak like ours. Also by making them speak you talk about the majestic and mysterious power horses have when in tune with their owners. *heaves and snarls.* There is not doing research, there is not have a brain but this going far beyond it. *beat.* Why did none of you shut me up? Normally, when I rant I am gagged.
Balian: You saved us the effort of repeating everything we hated about it. Also, what language of the Elves are you talking about? Sindarin was mostly used but as far as we know there were others although we don’t have the names.


(Credit goes to a website I used which will be on my profile.)

Lancelot: Illegal author’s note but compared to your other crimes this is minor. Although I am a little shocked you got out of your lust filled fantasies to actually do something remotely similar to research does not redeem you however.
Galahad: I bet you this vodka that a friend told her about the site and it is actually not a reputable site, it probably looks pretty.


"Seems very befitting," She said with a smile.

"Yes, Gandalf thought so too."

Balian:*while shaking head and staring at Ellen who is shaking in her seat in anger, gagged* Firstly I had to calm you down. Secondly, of course it is Gandalf. The Sue is not speshful enough to have a freaking talking horse but she brings in the most respected Istari into this. I mean, seriously does the Suethor have a flowchart next to her and is ticking of the Mary Sue traits?
Galahad: Doubt it; the Suethor is not bright enough to make a flowchart. She is probably just putting in traits that seem to her to make her character more amazing and bloody annoying.


"You know Gandalf?"

Lancelot: *cradles head.* Your use of dialogue is appalling. That is not clever but repetitive and whiny. Oh I think I am beginning to believe in Arthur’s God?
Ellen: Seriously? The Pagan becomes a Christian? I would just pray to them all.
Lancelot: Well looks like you recovered quickly. I would take your advice if I believed in the Pagan gods at all. We need divine help here with this one. I know there are worse out there but I have not seen them.
Ellen: Denial is such a lovely thing with Sues.


"Yes, you are also in denial about your feelings for Lord Eomer it. I can sense these things Kilana."

Galahad: A telepathic Sue? What next? Another pet, a dog, another horse?
Balian: (pales) I think we all better start praying. She is turning into another Rosa Monroe. *Ellen looks close to fainting*
Lancelot and Galahad: Who?
Balian: The mother of all Sues although that is slightly debatable.


Kilana blushed and cleared her throat. "But as to your request, yes I will help you."

Ellen: Aw, too bad the horse did not have the sense to knock her out.
Galahad: It was an act it was doing out of love for Rohan, once they were over the border, the horse was going to abandon her and leave.
Ellen: *slightly excited* I hope that actually happens.
Galahad: The Suethor would never write that. Don’t get your hopes up.


She smiled, "But you should probably ride with a saddle. Seeing as how you do not know how to ride without one. Come back tonight, and we shall leave."

Kilana placed a kiss upon Firvain's face, before she left.

Lancelot: Poor horse, now we have to scrounge its face just to ensure it gets none of the Stupid from Sue. I would almost be advocating putting down the horse, just so it does not have to deal with her anymore. Although, we could just steal it and then put it through extensive therapy to get rid of the torment of remembering the Sue. Where would we keep it though?

The day went by slowly, agonizingly slow. Night finally came and Kilana snuck out of her room and ran to the stables, where Firvain was waiting.

Balian: Where else would he go? I mean, apparently nobody could ride it so it would not leave the stable. *beat* Logic when will you forsake me and leave me to read this in peace? Normally, I like logic but hear it is like Russian roulette. Except you waiting for the loaded barrel to be placed and you can be shot.
Galahad: Which reminds me, we have to go on another look about for that suicide revolver. We do need it in here thank you very much!


She put the saddle and bridle on and quickly got on. "Just hang on Kilana, and leave everything to me."

Ellen: (as Firvain) We are just a hoop, skip and a jump away from your doom, sorry I mean your destiny. Where is that rabbit hole when you need it?

He neighed loudly and bolted out of the stables and ran as though the devil were
after them.

Balian: No the devil is on your back. Although you have not seemed to have noticed yet.

Wormtounge came out just in time to see Kilana ridding off on the black horse.

*mini-balrog shows up* Ellen: Hello Wormtounge let us get you some bacon.

Riding through the night Kilana heard strange noises.

Lancelot: The people of Edoras had already started their celebrations moments after she had left. She was miffed it was not a celebration all about her and her Sueness or the death threats she usually got that she could use to gain sympathy for Eomer!Stu.

She looked over her shoulders and all around but saw nothing, "Ride faster" she whispered to Firvain. And he did, his hooves beat down upon the ground so hard it sounded like thunder.

Kilana cried out as she felt two sharp pains in her back.

Galahad: And that is a lot of money and rewards for the lucky blighter that hit her. I will worship that person. Too bad she will survive it without any lasting damage or nasty scar –maybe Lancelot and I should show some of ours- and will use it to further seduce Eomer or his new names in this story it and Eomer!Stu.

"HOLD ON!" Firvain shouted as he once again took off at amazing speeds.

Balian: Wait, wait is that a horse or a human? It is one or the other; even the dumbest of the dumb know that!
Ellen: It is a humanoid. It has the body of the horse but the functions of the human because the Suethor think it is awesome.
Balian: *shakes head* I would say her head examined but the doctors will find nothing there but images of Karl Urban and swirls of air.


"Lord Eomer it! Lord Eomer it!"
Eomer it ran out of his tent just in his pants, shirt and boots.

Galahad: And the point of this was to show him as HAWT. *sneers* I really hate you Suethor. We are returning the torture on you when we get out.

One of his men pointed at some black object in the distant. Then Eomer it heard a loud neigh and immediately knew.

Lancelot: Your lack of logic should astound me. It could have been anyone but no it has to be your Sue. It could have been a messenger from the King stating that Eomer was not banned. It could have been something or someone way more important than your Sue.

He saw a figure slumped over on the horsed body. "Kilana," he said softly as he ran towards the horse, three of his men following. "Kilana!"

Ellen: *as Eomer* Oh wait, she is not dead. Send the horse around and get rid of her. Only bring her back to me if she is dead, positively dead.
Galahad: Is there any other form of dead?
Ellen: With Sues you never know. They always find a way to resurrect themselves.


She was lying on Firvain holding onto his mane, she had two arrows in her back.

Balian: You need to specify the area of back. If it is in the middle near her lungs, she would be dead and we could celebrate. It is the lower back; it could do serious damage if pierced in enough. Upper back, not so much.
Lancelot: Wait, you expect the Suethor to use logic after all you have seen?
Balian: Old habits die hard. I expect logic because I expect a functioning brain and thought.
Lancelot: Both which the Suethor does not have.


She was still breathing which was good.

All sporkers: Not for us!

"Come, we must get her back to camp."

Galahad: But all your men will catch the Stupid if you do! Eomer!Stu snap out of this trance that the Suethor has put you in and send her away at the very least!

Eomer it took Firvain's reins and lead him to the camp site. "Stay with me Kilana."

Lancelot: *as Eomer.* I want to kill you more slowly than that. Do not take my fun away from me.
Ellen: Maybe we are becoming a bit too bloodthirsty especially if we have more MSTs in the future.
Lancelot: Do not take my fun away from me. We don’t seem to have hope, let me have my fun. *Ellen shrugs but says nothing.*


Eomer it was pacing outside of his tent.

Balian: *as Eomer.* Hurry up, she is spoiling my tent. I want to be able to use my stuff after this. Oh forget about it, I will have to burn it. Just get her out of there.

One of his men was not only a skilled fighter but a skilled surgeon.

Lancelot: That is too bloody convenient. Dagonet is our healer due to Romans not bothering much to heal us but he is not a skilled surgeon! Stop fixing plot holes with more plot holes!
Ellen: Also, based on this time I think it is, a skilled surgeon would be somebody who could amputate limbs well as they understand nothing about dirt or germs or anything of that nature.


"Do not worry Eomer it, she is strong."

Eomer it looked at Firvain, "You talk."

Galahad: *sarcastically* Of course that is his first response. Not, am I going crazy, look around for the PERSON who said it, think he said it but to turn to the horse and say “you talk.” *normal* Realism just joined logic in the grave while the Suethor danced over it drunk. Speaking of which, I need to drink more.

"Yes I talk."

Eomer it walked closer, "What is your name?"

Ellen: *headbangs on seat in front of her* Of course Eomer!Stu accepts this without question and asks for the name. That is so not how people act. I mean if that happened now, a person would walk into a mental institution freely or get medication. Well I would. They would think they were crazy, not calmly accept it and ask what the name of the bloody horse!

"Firvain,"

"Thank you for keeping her safe. You failed to kill her as was your job. No more treats for you until you do[/color}." The horse nodded and looked up just as a man exited Eomer's its tent. "How is she Brom?"

Galahad: Nice correction if I do say so myself.
Lancelot: I finally figured out how to work this thing. *points at keyboard.* I can now make this readable.
Galahad: I think there is a limit on it though to ensure we do not get rid of enough so we are not tortured.
Lancelot: *curses*


"She is well, she is awake and she is all patched up."

All sporkers: Dammit. Can she not die?!

Eomer it thanked him and walked into the tent. His eyes widened as he saw Kilana's half naked form.

Balian: The seductress! She is pretending to be unwell to lure Eomer!Stu into her bed and give him the fatal dose of the Stupid. At least he is not a sexist pig in this story although I think he almost would have preferred it if he was in the right state of mind.

She gracefully pulled a shirt over her head and turned to see him. She blushed, "How are you?"

Lancelot: *As Kilana* Must look innocent, pure and vulnerable to catch my prey. I must get his protective thoughts working for me. Once I am done with him, I will move onto my next lust object.

He asked, slightly blushing himself. "Better, thank you."

Galahad: Poor Eomer. I really pity this warrior. He has been shrunk down to a clumsy, shy, love-sick teenager. Even I was not that bad. He is like a bumbling idiot now! He has been canon-beaten, raped and massacred.

He embraced her, holding her close to him. "Why did you follow?" He whispered, "Because I wanted to."

Ellen: Said the wind. Seriously thing, if you want make sense, you say who said what. If I did that in English, I would be destroyed by my teacher. You lazy excuse for a human why must you forsake your education?!

Eomer it sighed, "You should not have, and you have put yourself in much danger." He cupped her face in his hands, wanting to look upon her beautiful face.

All sporkers: STOP TELLING US HOW BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING YOUR CHARACTER IS. WE GET IT. SHE IS A SUE!

Gently he moved some strands of hair out of her face; his fingers brushing against her soft skin. Eomer it stared into her gentle eyes, while she became entranced by his.

Galahad: *As Eomer.* Now is the perfect time to strike. One clean move and I am freed of this monstrosity. Just one slice and I am a free man. I can be canon again. Come on, just a few more seconds and I will in character again!

Kilana moaned as soon as his lips captured hers in a passionate kiss. The two held on to one another for dear life. Fearing this was only a dream. Eomer's hands traveled up the back of her shirt massaging every inch of silky soft flesh his hands touched.

Lancelot: *Blinks.* That makes sense. How does that make sense?! Suethors never make sense. The description ALTHOUGH was childish, petty and from a Disney movie. *turns to Ellen.* You can have those back by the way. *sighs.* It probably only makes sense because the Suethor is writing out her fantasies. That must be the reason.
Balian: Stop musing, you will give yourself the breakdown instead of the story doing that.


They pulled away, breathless; Kilana seemed to be in a trance.

Galahad: Eomer was poisoned. He quickly keeled over and died an overdose from the icky sweetness of the Sue. He happily died.

Her eyes were still closed, and her breathing heavy. Eomer it placed a gentle kiss upon her forehead and one more on her lips. "You must sleep now; you have had a long journey."

She nodded as Eomer it picked her up and carried her over to his cot.

Ellen: WTF? He would have had furs for a bed not a cot! He was not a baby. He was a grown man. He would have slept on a pile of furs. Think of the opening scene for Achilles in Troy! Like that.
Lancelot: Why do you think the Suethor would have watched that?
Ellen: Three words: naked Brad Pitt.


"Sleep now, sleep I will watch over you."

Galahad: Somebody likes their Twilight and the stalker antics of Edward.
Balian: I think of at least two of us when I say DO NOT MENTION TWILIGHT! Besides, how did you find out about it? You do not read.
Galahad: *points at Ellen.* Her rants about it.


He was about to get up when Kilana grabbed his hand. "Please, stay with me. I don't have nightmares when you are with me."

Eomer it smiled, and leaned down to kiss her once more before wrapping her in his arms and laying with her. "Good night," he whispered softly.

Ellen: And we are done!
Doors fling open and the four fly out of there to find some way to recover parts of their sanity and to start looking for that suicide revolver. Or the next spork, if they could get rid of it so as not to read it.

I am currently taking donations, for Everton FC. I am afraid that our chairman has forgotten to cough up. So if you could hand me a penny and I will dance for you :P.

I am the monkey and you hold the box, so be nice with that. I don't want to dance like that!


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Master of the Rings
The four sporkers trudged into the theatre, wary because they knew that if this really was the last chapter than Hitler must be planning something to replace it as he was getting great pleasure out of the pain and suffering of the four especially their nightmares.

On the plus side, they were allowed to keep the mini-balrogs for now but they had to be extra vigilant about those two not causing the place to combust.


Chapter five

Eomer's Its eyes opened as the morning sunlight came crawling in through the opening of the tent.

Balian: And we are one sentence in and the purple prose is already gagging. I mean we do not need the over-personification of light thank you.
Ellen: I thought light would be staying away from the Sue in fear of catching the Stupid.
Balian: It tried; unfortunately its job is to fill the world with light and had to go near the Sue.


He sat up slightly and rubbed his eyes; so as they would be clean from any of the Sandman's dust.

Lancelot: *cocks head* I think we need to take the Thesauruses away from the Suethor. She is trying to make herself look like a good writer when all she looks like is a twat.
Galahad: I thought that fact was established chapters ago. The writing is slightly improving though.
Lancelot: Must be the work of somebody else. Her mentor must be rewriting everything and she is passing it off as her own.


He sighed and as he did he inhaled the crisp morning air.

Ellen: What flavour is crisp? Are they salt and vinegar, cheese and onion? The air cannot smell crisp, even a child knows that. Also, that makes no sense whatsoever?! When we sigh, we exhale so therefore as he sighed he could not exhale and inhale at the same time.
Galahad: No need to insult children by putting them on the same mind frame as the Suethor. We all know she is dumber. I know, I know but that is logic and the Suethor will not use logic at all as she has none. She will just write what she thinks is pretty.


He felt a slight chill take over his body, only then did he feel the warmth of the body lying beside him.

Balian: And the sense quickly ends. We have met the Suethor who cannot keep the logic going for one sentence. That was quick devolution.

He looked down and saw the sleeping form of Kilana lying peacefully beside him. She looked so at peace, so unaware of the danger that lurked outside of the safety of the camp.

Ellen: Hello, Department of Redundancy Department? We have an overuse of the word peace. *curses.* Damn, put on hold. *reads again.* Makes no sense. She was in Edoras so…
Lancelot: *gags Ellen.* For you own good. If you continue like this, you would seriously give us all migraines. I know, I know it makes no sense but we just have to smile and nod so we can get out and drink.


Eomer It stared at her, he could not stop…what was this hold she held over him.

Balian: It is called the Sue’s spell. She infects you with the Stupid, you lose all your canon characteristics and fall in “twu wuv” with her and have children. We have been warning you from day one, the Sue is a witch but no unfortunately Eomer!Stu showed up and now we have to read this farce.
Galahad: Witch? Burn her! That would fun to watch.


Last night, when they kissed, he felt it.

Ellen: Disgust.
Lancelot: Repulsion.
Balian: Nausea.
Galahad: Suicidal.
Ellen: All of the above plus more.


Something was different now than before…yes…something was different now.

Lancelot: *yawns.* Yes we get it; she is your “twu luv”. *sarcastic* Such a huge plot revelation Suethor. We saw this from day one. Stop the repetition. We are boring us to death. What are you writing down? *at Ellen*
Ellen: Another method of killing the Sue. *mumbles.* Bore to death. Thanks Lancelot!


Gently Eomer it reached down and moved a strand of her hair out of her face; her skin so soft and smooth beneath his fingers. Yet it was that gentle gesture that awakened Angel from her sleep.

Ellen: *headdesks against the seat in front of her.* Will you stop wasting your one brain cell on repeating how perfect your Sue is? We get it! Even if we were blind, we would get it, it is that obvious. Kill me.
Galahad: Although it would end your relentless rants about this fic, we kind of need to keep you alive or else we might get punished. Also, I do not have enough sympathy for you to kill you. Who would do it for me?


Kilana inhaled deeply her eyes slowly opening. When she saw Eomer it looking down at her, she smiled. "Are you feeling better?" She nodded softly, "Yes, much better." Eomer its slowly leaned down, pressing his lips gently against hers in a soft kiss.

Lancelot: Eomer is missing a line. After that, he should have said, “dammit, the poison is not working. I need to get more!” Besides, what man only goes from a soft kiss! Sure it can start like that. When did Eomer become a eunuch?
Balian: Eomer left the building chapters ago; his Stu replacement would not say that. As for the question, we will never know. It was just one of the many things the Suethor stole from him.


This simple kiss still sent a shiver down both of their spines. "What happens now?" Kilana asked, causing Eomer it to look at her. "What do you mean?"

"You kissed me last night, you kissed me just now. Do two people just kiss and have it mean nothing?" she asked quite honestly, causing Eomer it to think.

All sporkers except Balian: YES!
Balian: Do I want to know little missus? *stares at Ellen*
Ellen: *slinks into her chair.* No sir.


He leaned back supporting himself on his elbow and lower arm. "I never really thought about that. I never had a woman in my life until you."

All sporkers: *burst out laughing.*
Balian: Ok, ok. There is replacing but this is beyond ridiculous. We are damn sure Eomer had women before the War. He was TWENTY SEVEN not sixteen you twit.
Lancelot: Now that is insulting to twits, she is worse than that.


Kilana sat up so she was at an equal height to him. "Where does this leave us Eomer it?"

Eomer it sighed, "Where do you want it?" he asked her with a small but genuine smile.

Kilana fully sat up and hugged her knees to her chest, "What do you feel for me Eomer it?" Eomer it looked into Kilana's blue eyes, and then gently took her hand as he sat up placing it over his heart.

Ellen: Hide and pass out the sappy sickness bags!
Galahad: Is this the moment where you are using foreshadowing to scare us all?
Ellen: We are about to get the sappy love confession from the Eomer!Stu.
Galahad: Now, I am scared. *Ellen nods.*


"Can you feel that?" He asked his heart beating rapidly beneath her hand. "This is what you do to me; every time I am near you, when I'm holding you, when I am kissing you. You are killing me by putting me under so much pressure to be near you. Be gone from my sight! You have no power over me! This is what I feel Kilana. My heart…pounds in my chest, it urns for your touch…for your love." She looked at him with teary eyes "I want to be with you ever moment of every day. It is like; a hole is ripped into my chest every time you are not with me. It feels like half my heart stops. When I am with you, Kilana, I am whole. You fill the hole in my chest, and make my heart beat again. I want you Kilana, I need you with me."

Ellen: *retches.* That was horrifically Mary Sue. Well his heart is dead as it is in an urn instead of the word yearn. Thanks for the correction though Balian. I cannot believe we had to read that. It is not something; an heir to the throne would have said especially Eomer.
Balian: *looking green.* The Suethor probably just went through all the sappy romances she has read and squished all of the romantic entries she saw together into that epic mess. Just hold on a little while longer.


Kilana looked him dead in the eye, realizing he was speaking the truth, a single tear fell down her cheek. "Please…please tell me you share the feelings I have for you."

Lancelot: Poor Eomer, stuck with this one. She has transformed him into a mushy lovesick teen. This would be laughable if it was not so pathetic and the Suethor thought this was great writing. She probably thinks she is better than the Classics. *shakes head.* We really need that suicide revolver.

For some reason Kilana felt as though she couldn't breathe, her heart was beating so fast it hurt. Eomer It reached out and wiped away the tears that now feel freely from her beautiful eyes.

Galahad: You really cannot resist shoving it down our throats how beautiful she is. We got it in the first chapter. I think the Suethor thinks that by repeating her self-insert is gorgeous. No wonder, Eomer’s canon character died around such perfection. The Suethor would never allow any proper defence against the Sue. Proper Eomer would have slaughtered her in a second.
Ellen: How we wish he did.


She took a deep breath and smiled at him and placed his hand over her heart. "I love you, Eomer it." With those four words being said Eomer it passionately kissed Kilana. Taking her into his arms and holding her close to him. Those four words, made Eomer it the happiest he had ever been in his life.

Lancelot: How pathetic. That cannot seriously be the happiest he ever felt.
Ellen: It could almost be realistic as Eomer lost his family when he was very young, was thrust into power very young, had to watch his country and his king and uncle fall apart when being powerless to do anything, take care of his younger sister after the death of his families. However, them falling in love so quickly and the ridiculous Sue does make it pathetic.
Lancelot: He also had happy memories from his childhood as well. This just taints them by comparison.


"My Lord," came a voice outside of Eomer's its tent. "Yes Captain?"

"I am afraid we must be moving onward Sir. A band of Urk-Hai are headed this way."

Balian: I thought that the Rohirrim were brave men. We saw that when they attacked the band of Uruk-Hai -*points at his spelling,* you got it wrong Suethor- during the night. They would not have moved onwards. *beat* Why am I expecting so much from a Suethor? *Galahad pats back.* Thanks, she would make them all wimps to suit her pleasure.

Eomer It looked back at the Angel he held in hi held in his arms, wanting to be with her more. But, as a Lord Marshall and as leader of this group he not only had to think of his men's safety…but Kilana's as well.

Galahad: Well that explains it. Eomer has been high the entire time he has been with the Sue. She must have been sneaking something into his drink to ensnare him. Now that it is wearing off, he is becoming more aware of his canon character and getting rid of her. By the way, bad copy and paste job Suethor. We see it
Lancelot: How long do you think this proper canon will last before she drugs him again to get her way with him? Hopefully, she cannot see us.
Galahad: Less than an hour. *shudders at thought she can see them*


"Very well captain. Tell the men to stark taking down the camp."

Balian: Well that explains it as well. They are all stark raving mad because of the Sue and because of it they cannot do they proper duty and kill her. Slowly.

"Yes Sir."

Eomer It sighed, "Kilana we must dress and assist the rest of the men." Kilana nodded understanding. "Yes my Lord." She said with a smile, which made him smile. With one final kiss, they went to dress so business could be taken care of.

The door bursts open and the four fled until they were stopped by Himmler.
“As the Suethor has not updated in six months, I officially declare this story dead. But don’t worry; we will have a good replacement for it soon.”
The joy the Sporkers had felt was quickly lost in pain and anger. They had just survived their first proper MST and it was going to be quickly replaced. They quickly slumped off to their rooms to grieve and booze away the memories of Kilana the Sue.

(Note: I found my original chapter of Ammie Hawke where I used Beckett and Collins XD. That would have been fun to have finished)

I am currently taking donations, for Everton FC. I am afraid that our chairman has forgotten to cough up. So if you could hand me a penny and I will dance for you :P.

I am the monkey and you hold the box, so be nice with that. I don't want to dance like that!


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