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Love and Lies: The MST
Topic Started: Apr 30 2011, 12:24 AM (587 Views)
MD1618
Member Avatar
Seer of Visions
Discuss this MST here.


Title: “Love and Lies: The MST”
Author: MD1618, based on a fanfic by Goddess1408
Rating: G (see warnings)
Genre: Adventure/Romance
Text it is based on: “Love and Lies” on ff.net
Characters: mainly Aragorn and Elves + an OC + my people
Summary: Feisty she-elf (except she’s not terribly feisty) with an awful secret (that hardly affects the plot) gets friendly (but not terribly friendly) with Legolas and helps fight off a few invasions.
Warnings: Not really. MSTers allude to sex, aaaand that’s about it.



Editor: You want me to read something and then tell me that picking on the spelling and grammar has to be kept to a minimum? What is the point of my presence?
MD1618: Kept to a minimum, not totally omitted. The problem is, if you stopped to point out even half of the flagrant errors in this one, the transcript would be unreadable. And unfunny.
Editor: Correctness trumps funniness.
Jester: And you wonder why you don’t get invited to parties. :P
Editor: That has never entered my mind.
MD: Just . . . just pick and choose your targets, okay? And be amusing about it.
Editor: I reserve the right to mutter under my breath. <_<
MD: Certainly. Just don’t say it loud enough for the transcriber to pick up.
Insanity: What’s this about a transcript?
MD: Er, nothing. Let’s just start reading, okay?




Love and Lies by Goddess1408

MD1618: *ahem* The fanfic is the property of the above author, the Lord of the Rings and related stuff is property of people with whom we are not even remotely associated, and we only lay claim to our own commentary. The MST is just a bit of silliness – well, a very large bit of silliness – and is meant in fun. No insult is meant to the author, opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the management, etc., etc.

So this is a fanfic (duh!) about Legolas and a new character.

Jester: (duh!)

It happens during The Two Towers and Return of the King, and goes after the movie.

Editor: . . . Say what?

Everything happens the same in this except for what I change, so it follows (kind of) the main plot. Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are not in this.

Jester: You must be THIS studly to appear in the fanfic. :P

There are probably a lot of fanfics like this

MD: Yes.

but I don’t care, just writing it for the fun of it.

MD: Good, then you won’t mind if we just MST it for the fun of it.
Editor: “Fun”. Right.

Disclaimer: I don’t own lord of the rings!

Editor: “I don’t even get to capitalize it!”


Legolas looked around with a silent sigh, his watchful eyes surveying the rocky plain and hills infront of him. Aragorn was beside him, also watching and listening for an attack, while the horses nervously pranced beneath them.

Critic: I guess the horses are putting on a dance routine for Aragorn but he’s not paying attention.

“The horses are nervous, they are near

MD: a self-insert and they know it

,” Aragorn observed. Legolas nodded in reply. No sound came but the wind blowing there hair back. All of a sudden the horses jumped with surprise as a piercing scream came from behind them; an arrow had fallen right next to a younger woman with a child.

MD: {Legolas} “Ah, that must be the eagles arriving with my new shipment of arrows. I’ve told them before that they ought to tie the sacks more tightly . . .”

“They’re here!” Legolas heard a soldier yell as they rode forward.

Editor: The pronouns are nearing critical mass. :-S

The blond elf fingered his arrow while Aragorn and he strung their bows.

Critic: Legolas has three hands?

The sound of the frightened women and children were muffled with the roar of the ogres while they crested the hill. With a slight vibration of their bows

Editor: Whose bows?

the arrows were released and Aragorn and Legolas watched with silent satisfaction as their targets fell.

Insanity: Just assume that it’s the orcs’ bows. It’s more amusing that way.

With just a blink of an eye the men around them surged forward but fear and warrior spirit clashed as the ogres ran at them brandished their weapons.

Editor: That is a rather impressive wreck of a sentence.
Critic: Indeed it is.


Legolas nudged his horse forward,

Jester: just enough so that he would appear to be trying to take part in the battle.
MD: Are you accusing Legolas of being a coward?
Jester: Yes.
MD: Just checking.


wind whipping back as his arrows brought down the enemy

Jester: ’s ridiculously high prices!

. Aragorn fought with his sword twenty meters away when an ogre with an axe came up behind the dark haired man.

Critic: {Aragorn} “Stupid sword, you’re going to kill that ogre whether you like it or not!”
Jester: {Sword} “I’d like to see you make me! Why should I care about defending some guy the author can’t even be bothered to name?”


Legolas tried to reach him but an ogre stepped in the way his frustration came out as he struggled through the battle.

Editor: o_O

He froze though as a stray arrow with dark blue and green feathers whistled through the air over his head to land right on the ogre about to swing the axe into Aragorn’s neck

Jester: that connected Aragorn’s chest with Aragorn’s head that contained his brain which was trying to figure out how to defrost Legolas

. Legolas spun around to see where it had come from. Eyes narrowed with caution and surprise, he watched a

Critic: surprisingly undramatic entrance by Our New Main Character.
Others: *tepid applause*


hooded rider on a black-and-white horse gallop diagonally at the ogres

MD: No no no! Bishops move diagonally! Well, knights kinda do, too, but . . .

while delicate fingers pulled out another arrow before it was released from the bow to

Critic: stray from its intended target and

kill another enemy.

Critic: That is the usual sequence of events, yes.
MD: Tsk tsk, Critic. If you’d quit rolling your eyes so much, you’d notice that the author has subtly and skillfully dropped an important plot point for us to absorb: the newcomer’s fingers are delicate!
Critic: The only important “plot point” in that regard is that Legolas takes the time and energy in the thick of this battle to particularly observe how chunky this person’s fingers are.


The horse floated across the ground

Insanity: Is it one of those balloon-horses that clowns make?

as the rider lifted the bow

Jester: and lowered the stern

multiple times, each arrow piercing the ogre’s

Editor: countering arrow

in the exact weak area

Insanity: of Europe that Risk players exploit so often: China.
MD: China is nowhere near Europe.
Insanity: And that is exactly why it’s such a weak area.


. Legolas started as he heard his name called, spinning around his horse he ran into the

Jester: car-repair office to find out how bad the damage was.

battle, the only sounds in the air were grunts, yells, and slashing steel on steel.

Critic: Are there supposed to be other noises?
Insanity: Well, earlier, Mariah Carey was yodeling on a nearby hill, but a brief truce led to the swift removal of that particular sound.


After the battle had finished, with victory for the men, Legolas looked around for signs of Aragorn and Gimli.

Jester: Road signs?
Critic: “Royal Heir X-ing”
MD: “The Axes Of The Dwarves Are Upon You. Also, Merge Left”


His worries were put to rest though as he saw Gimli heading towards the rider that had come to help during the battle, the brown, hooded cloak still covered the stranger as the black and white horse stood calmly before them.
“Thank you for your help, you saved many lives,” Legolas told the hooded figure, “but who are you? We have to know or else you could be an enemy.”

MD: {announcer} “That’s right: Only anonymous people can be enemies! This message brought to you by the Homeland Security department of the United States of America.”
Critic: Silly department, anonymity isn’t for Mary Sues!


“Im is tó le turo heni hé,” (I know that you can understand this) a female voice whispered as the

MD: male

hood was drawn back with pale and bloody

Insanity: neuter

fingers to show an oval face with shinning brown eyes

Editor: what a pentagonal face with glowwing yellow eyes looked like.

. Dark brown, waist-length hair ripples down her back, her hair tied back like Legolas’ to show pointed ears

Editor: what a ponytail looked like.

, “My name is Siladhiel (See-lah-thee-ell),

Jester: See-thee-pee-oh?

and I know that you are Legolas and Gimli,” she said calmly,

Critic: “because I am the head editor of Who’s Who In Middle-earth.”
Insanity: I noticed they have Boromir on the cover again this month.
Others: . . .


her eyes flicking back and forth from them,

Jester: like a couple of indecisive fleas.

‘you are surprised,” she observed.

MD: “At the further breakdown in punctuation. An illogical reaction.”

Her horse snorted, shaking its head. Siladhiel stroked it gently as she murmured to it.
“Le cost?” (You fight

MD: as a French mercenary

?) Legolas finally broke the silence, his blue eyes piercing her.

MD: {deep narrator voice} With fatal effect!

Siladhiel looked up with a small smile, not answering at first.

Jester: Because that would be like totally disrespectful to herself cuz it would make her seem deferential to the main characters when in fact she’s on a par with them.

“Why is everyone always so surprised,” she replied in English.
“You helped us, why?” Gimli asked gruffly.
“I am not against; I help because you were being attacked, was that not right?

Critic: {Siladhiel} *worried* “Did I make a boo-boo?”
Editor: She’s not against . . . what? Helping?
Insanity: She’s not against funding for schools. That’s a safe guess.


The wolves of Isenberg weren’t there to play with you but to destroy,” Siladhiel’s patience was thinning

Insanity: paint and therefore not available for comment on the lack of periods in the story.

, “yes, I am not a man or an elf man,

Critic: or even a man elf!

does that always mean I shouldn’t help.

MD: YES!
Critic: No, the fact that she’s a Mary Sue always means she shouldn’t help.
MD: Close enough.


Everyone says I shouldn’t fight but that I should hide,” she snapped.

MD: It never occurs to her that it was just remotely possible that everyone was right, does it.
Jester: “Everyone says falling on your head is bad for you, too, but it’s never hurt me!”


Siladhiel spun her horse around, “goodbye.”

All: And good riddance!

“Wait!” Legolas called as he blocked her way.

All: Nooooooo!

He watched her for a moment.

Critic: Measuring the eagerness with which she swung her steed around. As expected, it was off the charts.

“Eithel?” (Well?) Siladhiel angrily looked at the elf.
“Min ceri al thelo tó,” (we do not mean that) Legolas quickly said, “min garo al govannen pen ve cin,” (we have not met somebody like you) he watched her nod in reply and turn around.

Jester: Then he nudged Aragorn and sniggered quietly.

“I wasn’t actually going to leave,” Siladhiel said with a sweet smile.

Critic: *sweetly* “Cuz then I’d be out of the spotlight, and Mary Sues shrivel up if they don’t get the spotlight 24 hours a day!”

Dismounting off of her steed she undid the bridle and slipped it off. With a few words she let her horse loose.
“You are going to walk? Legolas asked as he watched her horse trot to the outside of the group.
“Elenath has been running for many days with little food and water, I can walk,” she told him, “where is Aragorn?” she asked as she looked around, “I have been looking for him for many months.”

Editor: Gah.

“I thought he was with you, Legolas,” Gimli said.
“No, I haven’t seen him since the beginning of the battle,” Legolas’ eyes widened with alarm. Quickly eyeing the bloodied area infront of them he set out at a run over the battle field with Gimli and Siladhiel behind him. As they reached a cliff a half dead ogre started coughing up blood as he laughed. Gimli and Legolas turned around and lifted the ogre up roughly along with threats.

Editor: Which they lifted up tenderly.

“What did you do to him?” Legolas hissed.
“He’s dead,” was the response “fell over the cliff,” Legolas denied it angrily,

Critic: That doesn’t sound like denial to me. :P
MD: {Legolas} “Fell over the cliff, yes, but he’s not dead!”


eyes sparking as the ogre died with an evil grin on his face. Siladhiel slowly uncurled the dead ogres hand,

MD: for no particular reason.

in it was the star necklace Arwin had given Aragon.
“No…” Legolas whispered as he lifted it. A few steps brought them to the edge of the cliff where dirty water swirled below.

Jester: A mere flick of his hand sent the necklace whirling down into oblivion. “No more Aragorn to come between me and my true love . . .” Legolas murmured as the truth sank in and the future became bright with new promise.

No one spoke as they looked down. Legolas watched with a blank face, his eyes overshadowed with pain.

Jester: {Legolas} “That lovely pendant should have been mine to wear and to cherish. Alas! for the smelly ranger has irredeemably tainted it.”

“We’re leaving the dead here,” the king’s voice was heard over the silence. Legolas turned to look at the king angrily, the expression on his face scaring any who saw him.

Jester: {Legolas} “Why do you speak of such melancholy matters at a joyous time like this?”
MD: Is somebody bored with the actual plotline?
Jester: I’m enjoying myself. :P


Siladhiel took his arm and gave a small pull.

Critic: Curious exchange rate.

“Min turo al ceri limb,” (we can not do much) she whispered, “Min garo na glenno,” (We have to go) Legolas looked at her sadly before the three left.
“This is where we are staying?” Siladhiel looked at the stone castle against the mountain with distaste.
“Yes, isn’t it perfect? All the rock, I have missed it,” Gimli sighed. Siladhiel shook her head in disgust at the thought of living with rock as the closest thing to nature for the next month or two.

MD: I dunno, I think a horse is pretty close to nature. For that matter, so is rock. It may not be alive, but it’s a natural thing.
Insanity: What about heavy metal?


Legolas watched her stride forward through the gates with her horse, Elenath, following her. Over her blue grey dress and brown cloak she had a belt with a silver dagger and sword.

Jester: Hey, Editor, I’ll bet you five bucks that the sword isn’t silver.
Editor: Technically, I’d say that it is, based on this sentence. Otherwise, either the word “a” should have been written before “sword” or—
Jester: Yeah, yeah, I’m betting you that the sword won’t be silver later on. You in?
Editor: . . . Oh, fine, whatever.


Over her shoulder Siladhiel also had her arrows and bow.

Critic: *sigh* Well, the author did dump most of the visual description on us all at once, but at least she restrained herself from doing it right away.

“You carry many weapons,” Legolas said.
“One has to when you are

Critic: a warrior Sue whose author can’t settle on just one or two weapons.
MD: That’s kind of harsh.
Critic: Sorry. I was speaking in general.
MD: Really, though, this isn’t a lot of weapons. A bow and arrows for hunting and long-range, a sword for close combat, and a knife for cutting stuff up. I’m not sure what Legolas is talking about.
Insanity: Maybe she has a lot of arrows.


traveling at these times, and especially when you are alone,” she answered, “my bow and arrows are my most prized weapon.
“I think with many elves it is so, Aragorn also, as he lived with the elves in Rivendel,” they went quiet at the mention of Aragorn.
Siladhiel did not show herself much except for to the king, Gimli, and Legolas. Gimli and the King did not understand why she didn’t want to go out.

Critic: Especially considering that she hadn’t been happy about the prospect of being indoors . . .

Every time they asked Siladhiel would answer with the same response.

MD: “Because I don’t wanna. You got a problem with that?”
Jester: “Okay, you got me. I’m secretly more of a couch potato than a nature lover.”
Insanity: “Would you like fries with this?”


“Men and elves have never been good friends,” her answer would be questioned as to why Legolas was respected by the men, “he fights for them and is part of the fellowship of the ring. Even though I fought in a battle that is a disgrace because I am a woman (elf) and not a man (elf),” Legolas would give a silent agreement before working again.

MD: . . . WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.
Editor: *twitch*


One night Siladhiel stood on the roof of one of the castle rooms, looking up at the stars. Legolas silently walked up next to her. After some minutes Legolas spoke.

Jester: “I’m bored. Entertain me.”

“Le tire in gil,” (you watch the stars

Insanity: ? Most French mercenaries I’ve known are too worn out after a full day to do that.

) he stated.
“Trastu tulo, Im garo baw isto ir ben mana,” (trouble comes, I have no knowledge when or what) she whispered.
“Ceri le tiri in gil eriol?” (Do you just watch the stars alone?) Legolas asked.

Jester: {Siladhiel} “Of course not! *singing* Darling, you can share it all with meeeee!”

“Baw galadh ben nen baro si tó Im turo lasto a tiri,” (No trees or water live here that I can listen and watch)
“Ta Mirkwood mis lasto a tiri in galadh, in glad, a in gil,” (In Mirkwood we listen to the trees, forest, and stars), “In trastu, ná ha si?” (The trouble, is it here?) Legolas looked at the night sky.

Critic: The trouble, it is here and there and everywhere.
MD: Y’know, in Mirkwood, sometimes they have difficulty hearing the forest for the trees.


“Baw,” (no)
“We will find out later,” Legolas quietly said in English as he watched the stars before glancing at Siladhiel, “good night,” he said before leaving her.
Siladhiel watched a rider on a bay horse gallop up to the castle, the limp and tired body still held proud of the rider.

MD: Well, that’s nice of the author to portray some random messenger in a positive light like that, even if the grammar is a little confused.
Critic: Um . . .


“Aragorn,” she whispered with a small smile.

MD: Oh, right. Sorry. I was distracted.

She turned around and ran

MD: straight over the edge of the roof.
Insanity: Visitation is set for Thursday. Cram and punch will be served.


down the winding steps before finding Legolas, “guess who decided to finally come back,” she said quietly into his ear.

Jester: Jojo?

“Aragorn,” Legolas looked up with a grin.
“Of course.”
Siladhiel watched quietly in the back corner as Aragorn walked through the smoky room toward Legolas.

Jester: One of Aragorn’s hands gripped the hilt of his sword. The other clutched the still-soaking star necklace tightly. There was a scowl on his face, and the promise of death hung thick in the air.
Insanity: Eh, I’ve been to worse office parties.


They exchanged words but still she stayed silent.

Critic: See, this is a vital psychological point. Important emotional interactions like this almost always require the Mary Sue’s participation, even if she's just an observer. The rule of thumb is: It doesn't count if she doesn't somehow legitimize it by her presence or knowledge.

As Aragorn was about to enter the Kings room Legolas turned around and

Insanity: headed for the Elves room.

gestured for her to come.
“Tulo,” (come) Legolas told her.

Critic: [Come], he conveyed to her telepathically.
MD: Then he got out the semaphore flags . . .


Aragorn, thinking Legolas was speaking to him, turned around but froze as he saw the elf that was walking towards him.

Insanity: That’s the second person she’s had that effect on.
Jester: It’s like she’s horrifyingly ugly or something. :P


Brown, long, thick, wavy hair fell down her back with an oval face and pointed high eyebrows.

Critic: O_o
Editor: *sigh* She did so well with the previous sentence, too.


“Aragorn,” she said quietly, “it has been long since I last saw you.”

*general sighing*
Critic: {Aragorn} *bored* “Hello, long-lost sister / student who surpassed my training / ex-girlfriend.”


“Who are you?” Aragorn looked puzzled. Siladhiel flinched as she realized he didn’t remember her.

All: O_O

“My name is Siladhiel, you knew me when we were younger.”
“She helped fight in the battle we thought you, well, died in” Legolas explained.

Jester: “Gimli had a chance to cleave her in two ‘accidentally’, but he blew it. So we had to let her tag along with us. Sorry.”

“Welcome,” Aragorn nodded before turning around.

Jester: And making for the, ah, Little Kings’ room.

Siladhiel’s face paled with his quick dismissal of her, but, hiding her emotions, she stepped into the Kings room

MD: o_O

alongside Legolas.

Insanity: O_o
MD: Dagnabbit, Jester, you’ve tainted all of us.
Jester: :P


Legolas paced quietly up and down on the roof of one of the castle rooms.

MD: It’s not a single cohesive castle, you see. All the rooms are separate and they all have their own little ladders and roofs.

After hearing Aragorn’s news of the army that was coming the whole castle was full of fear and chaos.

Insanity: And delicious stroganoff.

He needed to get some fresh air. As he watched the sky he heard raised voices from below him. Though the words were in elfish he couldn’t make out what was being said. As he hurried towards the room the voices were coming from the door slammed open to show Siladhiel walking out with a sad but angry look on her pale features. Aragorn was behind her with a confused expression.

Jester: Last came Gimli, who had been stuck with the tickled appearance.

Legolas sighed, no surprise here. Aragorn and Siladhiel had been arguing a lot lately.
“Can’t you two just get over whatever this is about?” Legolas asked them, “I won’t ask what these secrets I know you two have are, but please, do not argue. This castle does not need it,

Editor: you know — the walls look so brittle that a prolonged shouting match might well bring the ceiling down on us PERIOD GOES HERE

” Aragorn and Siladhiel looked at each other.
“We are fine now, just some things that had been long forgotten needed to be brought back,” Siladhiel blinked slowly before stepping away, “I will leave you two, I know plans need to be made,” an angry look appeared on her face, “the king wont allow me to fight, could you do a favor for me and tell him I will be fighting no matter what he says. No one can tell me what to do.”

Jester: “I’m a taxpayer and a Republican, and no army officer can order ME around!”
MD: Hallelujah!


“I think it is best you do not fight,” Aragorn murmured as he looked her straight in the eye.

Critic: “Unless you have finally mastered the art of hitting your target with your arrows.”

“Oh, so I was right, his thoughts are being put past you, of course.”

Critic: . . . I don’t know about you, but I prefer my paranoid characters to be coherent.

“The battle field is no place for you, Siladhiel,” Aragorn told her.

Jester: “Did I say the battlefield? I meant Middle-earth.”

“And what do you know of that!” she snapped, “I fought in the last battle because I was trying to find and help you, well look at that, after the end we think your dead

Insanity: pig makes for very good chops of the pork

!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“I saved your life and I haven’t even gotten a thank you,

Critic: “So what if I wasn’t actually aiming at that particular orc?”

you didn’t remember me, and you act as though I am nothing. I am just that elf over there you’ve known your entire life

Jester: for the past chapter or so.”

,” tears sprang into her eyes as she stepped back, “why did I even come? Do you know how many times that question comes into my mind?

Jester: “And all I get in reply is some human girl’s voice chanting ‘Legolas . . . Legolas . . . Legolas!’”

Well, be happy, because I’m leaving,” she spun around and hurried up the stairs away from the man who stood in shock infront of her.
“Aragorn, I won’t ask but I think this is not a good time for her to leave,” Legolas said before he too left his friend.

Critic: “A good time would have been before this story even began.”
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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MD1618
Member Avatar
Seer of Visions
Ch. 2 – The Sign

I am soooooooooooooo sorry, this chapter is pretty boring. In my opinion, at least, I also wrote it quickly so sorry, again, if it’s bad.

Jester: Apology not-accepted in advance.

Disclaimer: Don’t own any of this except for any new characters.


Legolas watched a slim figure push herself through the crowd, the brown cloak floating around the blue grey dress. Brown hair flicked angrily to the side as the elf snapped at a soldier for mocking her. Spinning around she kept walking with pride to her step and many paused as they too saw her, with a determined expression. The blond elf’s blue eyes didn’t leave her face as she hurried towards him.

Critic: *yawn* Judging from the number of writers who keep referring to the “blond elf” and his “blue eyes”, I don’t think their eyes are leaving his face either.

“You’re still here,” Legolas stated.

Jester: “I find this disappointing.”

“You should know by now I have a short temper when my fighting ability is questioned.”
“Yes, so I wasn’t too worried that you’d leave,” Legolas smiled at her. She nodded but changed the subject as her eyes swept over the men being readied for war.
“The battle is very near. It will be here by nightfall,” Siladhiel murmured.

Jester: “It rang up a moment ago and said it wouldn’t be able to get here in time for dinner. Apparently there’s construction at the I-95 overpass.”

“What of that warning, in the stars.”

Editor: “Of which there has been no mention, in this story, previously.”

“No change, I have realized that it is not a warning for here but that we are the only ones receiving it,” the two elves looked at each other

MD: in mutual sympathy as they tried to make sense of their own dialogue.

, “the ones that will be attacked do not know it.”
As they sat in compatible silence, thoughts not far from the worries that haunted every race,

Insanity: Except for the 300-meter freestyle.

a marching sound came through the quickly coming darkness. Many around them froze,

Jester: only now noticing Siladhiel for the first time,

thinking it was the ogres, but the two elves immediately jumped up.

Editor: I guess elves don’t jump up the moment they hear ogres coming . . . ?

No words were exchanged as they ran lightly to the entrance of the castle. Aragorn met them there and they appeared to see the King, Theodon, greet a blond elf with lines of more elves standing at attention behind him.

MD: This was a mere optical illusion, however: they were in fact watching a bullfrog croak.

“Haldir,” Siladhiel whispered.

Critic: To the audience, reassuring them that Our New Main Character had not lost track of what was going on for one single moment.

Aragorn gave the elf a welcoming hug and Legolas also said hello, before standing behind the captain. Haldir looked behind King Theodon and his

Jester: robotic

eyes lit up with surprise.
“Siladhiel, you are here,” he stepped towards her and she smiled at him before giving him a quick hug.
“I traveled here to help, I am fighting alongside you in the battle,” she quietly said, ignoring the curious look Legolas was throwing her way.
“We welcome your strength and wisdom with the bow and arrow as well as the sword,”

Jester: “But most of all we welcome your clumsiness and stupidity with the dagger. Please contrive to fall on it ASAP.”

Haldir gave her a nod before turning back to the king to discuss strategy.

Jester: {Haldir} “Here’s my plan. Step 1: We kill all of them before they kill any of us. Step 2: Party.”
Critic: {Theoden} “Truly you are a cunning warrior. But what do we do if they kill some of us before we kill all of them?”
Jester: {Haldir} “Must I think of everything?”

Siladhiel’s POV

MD: Oh dear.


Fear went through my body, blocking out Gimli’s complaints of not being able to see anything.

MD: . . . Uh, did we skip ahead?

The ogres stomped toward the castle yelling. I knew Legolas felt me stiffen next to him because his

Jester: hands were firmly planted on my—
MD: Don’t.


calm eyes met mine before he briefly slipped his hand into my cold one, giving it a squeeze. I concentrated on that as I closed my eyes but then I had to let go while I pulled an arrow out

Jester: of my—
MD: Watch it. <_<
Jester: abdomen


and put it onto my bow. Aragorn yelled to prepare our bows

Insanity: for the banquet that night

and with another yell we released them to watch the first line of ogres fall.

Critic: That’s the problem with bows. They’re always in the way whenever there’s something interesting you want to look at.

The group of elves around me reassured me almost as much as Legolas and Aragorn did.

MD: That seems likely enough — there’s probably little distinction between indifference and a quick squeeze of the hand when you’re up against enough orcs to sink the Titanic.

My thoughts were pushed away though as again we fired but the ogres came strong as they put up ladders to climb the stone walls. The first ogres appeared over the stone wall but I was ready with my

Jester: non-silver! :P

sword in my right hand and the silver dagger in the left.

Editor: *rolls his eyes and hands $5 over to Jester*

I killed each ogre that passed my way quickly, no fear was in my blood anymore, only the urge to kill any who tried to hurt my friends and innocent men, elves,

Jester: kittens,

or free folk.

Insanity: (They were welcome to hurt the guilty kittens.)

For a moment I saw Legolas, but he disappeared as more ogres climbed the castle walls. Elves, ogres, and men fell around me, through the screams I heard Aragorn yell something.

Critic: This seems as good a time as any to remind everyone that the author has apologized for this chapter being “pretty boring”.

Spinning around to see what had happened I watched Haldir have an axe swung in his back.

MD: Rudimentary chiropractics, Middle-earth-style.

I raced up, reaching Haldir at the same time Legolas did.

MD: Whaaaaa . . . ? That doesn’t begin to match the movie . . . does it?

Stroking his hair back with my hand Haldir’s eyes met mine before flicking back to Aragorn while his last breath left him.

Critic: Okay, Aragorn isn’t even particularly present, apparently. Legolas is. According to this author, men and elves dislike each other. So, why is Haldir seeking out Aragorn and not, say, the other elf who’s standing right there?
Jester: {Aragorn} *grumbling* “This’ll teach that elf to throw my darling’s necklace into a muddy rivOH %#&@ I GOT THE WRONG ONE!”


I lifted my eyes to the sky and my breath caught in my throat.

Jester: As did several Orc arrows.

Elrond’s face was portrayed in the stars

Editor: NO.
MD: I concur.


along with the warnings of danger I had seen countless times.

Jester: {Stars} *portray Aragorn hurling an ax at Haldir*
Critic: {Stars} *spell out “MARY-SUE ALERT” in several languages*
Insanity: {Stars} *perform a commercial for Eastfarthing Slims pipe-weed*


Not saying anything I stood up to stab an oncoming ogre, trying to kill us unexpectantly.

Editor: {Ogre} “I don’t remotely expect to succeed, but I’ve gotta try and kill those people. It’s in my contract, apparently.”

Aragorn also leaped up

Insanity: to the battlements

as I was again left alone to push myself through the group of fighting men and elves against ogres. The sign had shown me where the attack was to happen, and I was as surprised as anyone would be.

Critic: That I had survived standing around gawping at the sky in the middle of battle like that blah blah blah.

Nobody’s POV


Siladhiel quietly made her way through the rubble of the castle walls. Even though they had won this fight the stone structure had sustained heavy damage. Her eyes, again, lifted to the night sky. The warning of danger for Rivendel had disappeared from when she had last seen it in the battle.

Critic: Gee, maybe she was just hallucinating under stress? Nahh, couldn’t be.

“You search for the sign of trouble for Rivendel,” Legolas’ voice made her jump but she didn’t turn to face him.
“You saw it as well?”
“Yes, Rivendel has a battle they do not know of coming there way,” Legolas stood next to Siladhiel.

Critic: {Legolas} “I don’t know how I know they don’t know about it, okay? I just read the lines I’m given.”

“What did you say?” Gandalf’s deep voice appeared in the shadows. Both elves spun around in surprise to see both Gandalf and Aragorn looking at them, “Rivendel is in trouble? Why did you not tell us?”

MD: {Legolas} “Dude, where did you come from? You’re not supposed to be here until morning.”
Jester: {Gandalf} “And you’re still supposed to be fighting for your life.”
MD: {Legolas} “Fine, I won’t say anything if you won’t.”


“We first found out tonight in the midst of the battle,” Siladhiel whispered, her eyes misted over with tears, “when Haldir died was when it appeared,” Gandalf ignored her tears but Aragorn’s eyes met hers sympathetically.
“Were you two the only ones to see this sign?” Gandalf’s face looked serious as he asked.
After exchanging a glance with Legolas Siladhiel nodded, “we think so, elves usually are some of the only of all creatures to use the stars for learning future events,”

MD: Math, could you parse that for us?
Math: Venn Diagrams for Dummies is on the shelf over there.
Jester: Oh snap. :P
Math: Hey, I didn’t give it that title.


Gandalf did not speak but paced around them, his white cloak swishing in the breeze as he was lost in thought. Aragorn, Legolas, and Siladhiel watched him quietly.
“You two have to warn Rivendel and Elrond,” Gandalf finally said.

Jester: “Tell Elrond to arrange a remedial course in arithmetic for me immediately.”

“What, us?” Legolas asked in surprise.
“Yes, you are the ones that have to warn them, you saw the sign.”
“But we have to fight, we have to help you,” Siladhiel pointed out.
“This sign shows that you are supposed to help Rivendel, no more buts or ifs!” Gandalf’s voice thundered angrily, “you will leave at Dawn,” and without another word Gandalf disappeared.

Critic: That was OOC and not particularly logical, either.

“Baw!” (No!) Siladhiel snapped, “I won’t go.”

*laughter*
Jester: One of those Vietnam War draft dodgers?


“You have to, you heard what he said. This is your job, like it is mine to fight here yours is to fight for Rivendel. Remember what I said, Siladhiel?” Aragorn stood infront of her, lifting her face with his hand.

Editor: *growl*

“I know, but I’ll feel so useless,” after her words were said was when Legolas stepped in.

Jester: O RLY?
Editor: Gahh.


“You’re not useless, Siladhiel,” Legolas told her, “you

Jester: make for excellent Orc bait.

fought today and helped us win but you were also the first to see that sign in the stars. Do not be hard on yourself. You are strong enough to get past the taunts of men and soldiers so you can do this,” I smile stretched across her face as her eyes again sparkled with anticipation.
“I know, I just never thought that we would be the ones warning them.”

Critic: “I feel so honored.”

“We will have to prepare, come,” Legolas gestured to her before the two left Aragorn who crouched down to touch Haldir’s cold cheek before leaving.

Legolas’ POV

Siladhiel faced Elenath, her horse, and gently stroked the black and white markings as she murmured in elfish calming words. I was in the stall next to her with my horse, the saddle and bridle were already on both our horses and at the moment we were putting our supplies on. We were traveling light, just some food and water to keep us for some time. Siladhiel had some elfish bread which we stored along with some dried fruit. Both of us carried our weapons on us, as well as an extra dagger in the saddle bag. Aragorn walked into the stable with a lantern. Siladhiel did not look up until he was next to her.

Editor: I think I like this “Legolas” person. He seems to be aware of the existence of grammar.
MD: Oh, come on, she’s not that bad.
Editor: *gritted teeth* Maybe, but don’t get me started.


I watched Aragorn speak to her quietly and Siladhiel nodded before tying the last saddle bag onto the saddle. I had know from the moment Siladhiel and Aragorn had spoken to each other that both loved each other and knew each other from before.

Critic: {Siladhiel} “Hi, Aragorn!”
MD: {Aragorn} “Who are you?”
Jester: {Legolas} “Wow, you two must have a long history together.”


My first thought had been that they loved each other as Arwen and Aragorn loved but by now I had come to realize that they loved as if they were brother or sister.

Insanity: I’m confused now. Is Siladhiel going to be burning Sauron’s mortal remains at the end of the third movie?
Others: . . .
Jester: Wrong trilogy.


Aragorn went to me and watched as I pulled back the white mane on my horse.
“Do not fight if you are outnumbered, it would be useless. Hide and stay quiet,” Aragorn told me, “we do not want you two to die for nothing,” I nodded while leading my horse out. Swinging lightly on top of the horse I settled into the saddle as I waited for Siladhiel to also get ready. Gripping the reins I gave Aragorn a grim smile.
“Good luck, let us hope we will see each other after these dark times are over,” Aragorn nodded in reply before stepping back. Nudging our horses we took off at a fast canter, our horses staying next to each other the whole time.

Siladhiel’s POV

After letting our horses lose

Editor: to the Phillies COMMA

I lay down to watch the dark starry sky overhead, we had been traveling for three days now. Legolas was sitting cross legged next to me, staring at the ground. Not much had been said between us for these days now except for where we were going and what had to be said.
At one point I must have fallen asleep because Legolas was shaking me awake what felt like a few minutes later. The sky was still dark but the moon and stars had disappeared behind clouds.

“Ogres, we have to hide,” Legolas hissed as we grabbed our stuff. Quickly awake I ran after Legolas. As we hid behind a small bush in the forest I closed my eyes to hear the ogres walking around us.

MD: Then she closed her ears to see the ogres walking around them.
Jester: Stupid ogres. Go ahead and trample the Mary Sue. Nobody will mind!


“Heard something over there near the bushes,” a grumbling voice rose above the stomping.

*laughter*
Critic: This is so full of cliché.


Legolas froze next to me as they came closer. Tension crackled in the air as I stayed as quiet as possible.
No use going to look,” one said and I relaxed slightly, “just shoot an arrow into the bushes and if you hear something go and kill it,” fear filled my body again and I looked at Legolas. He shook is head and put his finger to his lips to show that even if we got hit to be quiet. I gave a small nod before covering me chest with my arms, as Legolas was.

Critic: Er, what?
MD: How are they positioned?
Editor: *head in hand* It just . . . keeps . . . coming.


The sound of the arrow being released cut through the air and before I even saw it I was pierced in my shoulder.

Critic: Amazing!! I never would have guessed that an arrow fired from the other side of foliage could hit you before you caught sight of it.
Jester: Wow, you’re sarcastic all of a sudden.
Critic: It’s like she’s not even trying now!


Pain exploded in my left shoulder as Legolas threw his hand over my mouth to muffle any noise. I bit my bottom lip as unbidden tears leaked away from underneath my eyelids. Turning my head I buried my face into Legolas’ shoulder breathing in his smell as I slowly heard the ogre’s leave.

Editor: {Legolas’s shoulder} “Pee-yew!”

After what felt like hours Legolas moved which dislodged me and caused me to gasp in pain as

Editor: I realized that someone had stolen my punctuation jar and I was going to have to keep talking without taking any breaths for quite a while longer and then worst of all

my left shoulder was moved.

Jester: {her left shoulder} *sobs* I’m so touched by this scene!

Quickly Legolas turned around to rip a piece of cloth from his shirt.
“This is going to hurt, I am really sorry,” Legolas muttered before he pulled out the arrow.

Jester: And beat me over the head with it.

Gasping a dug my finger nails into my skin.

Editor: Say what?

Quickly taking the cloth he pushed it against the wound.
“Bread,” I murmured as I turned my head to look at Legolas’ face.
“You want bread?” he asked.

Jester: “Not even a particular kind, just bread in general? Are you sure that’s speshul enough?”

“No, it soaks up blood and is good against infection,” I felt my eyes slowly close before Legolas returned and with a silent sigh I fell unconscious.

MD: Opinions?
Critic: Well, bread probably soaks up blood, but I don’t know what it would do to combat infection. This is a rather . . . strange conversation, in context.
Jester: My opinion is that I hope she stays unconscious the rest of the story. :P
Insanity: I give it a 7.5 for dramaticosity.

Nobody’s POV


Legolas gently swung off of Elenath as he lifted Siladhiel off.

Jester: You know, we haven’t given her a stupid nickname yet. I vote for “Silly”.
Insanity: How about “Salahad”?
MD: How about let’s not bother.


Moaning she stumbled before collapsing.

Critic: Ah, Legolas certainly is a gentle, attentive Elf, letting go of her in an unstable state like that.

After stopping the bleeding from the arrow Legolas had decided it was best if they kept going to Rivendel.

Jester: Either she dies on the way or he can let Elrond deal with her. Seems like a win-win scenario to me. :P

Siladhiel had woken up as they were riding but Legolas was worried about her, the wound was infected.

MD: Some might argue that it would be better for her to sleep.
Editor: Of course, some might argue that comma splices are a bad thing, but what do they know?


Laying her down Legolas got some food out

Insanity: of his pouch, waking the joeys that were also in there.
Others: o_O


. The sky was already dark and Siladhiel watched the blond elf move around with feverish eyes.

Jester: Why doesn’t he just use his legs like normal? :P

All of a sudden she covered her wound with her hand and closed her eyes as she started murmuring in elfish.

MD: Oh good grief. Did she hit her Mary-Sue Limit Break?
Critic: Yes. The longer the story’s gone without anything speshul happening to her, the faster the bar fills.


Legolas spun around and stumbled is surprise as he watched pale blue smoke and mist rise from the wound as she kept speaking.

MD: She’s on fire and dehydrating? Sounds fatal.

After a few minutes she let her hand fall away and gasping for breath she lay there with her eyes open but slightly glazed over.

Jester: Mmm, chocolate-glazed eyeballs.
MD: A mastodon that was . . .


Running over Legolas kneeled next to her.
“Siladhiel?” he asked as he pulled her hair away from her face. No response came as her breathing slowed, “come, speak,” he held her hand and gently drew circles with his thumb on her palm.

Editor: . . .

He closed his eyes, praying to the sky.

Jester: For lightning to strike her and finish her off.

“Legolas, water,” Siladhiel’s voice rasped as she moved. Legolas quickly opened his eyes to see her watching him with a faint smile.
“What did you just do?” he gasped in surprise.
“I healed my injury, my father and mother have some powers as well and

Critic: the author has gotten tired of waiting for someone to tend to my wounds and decided that

this is one of mine,” Siladhiel drew away the cloth covering her injury to show a healing wound.
“How?” Legolas asked.
“Magic,” Siladhiel smiled,

Jester: “. . . you moron.”

“could I have some water now?” Legolas nodded with no surprise in his eyes anymore. He accepted whatever had just happened.

Critic: Legolas has given up on this story.
Jester: Smart Elf.


He had heard of elves with healing talents before.

MD: Such as . . . ? Can you actually think of even just one, writer?
Jester: Psst, the stern guy who was in the big council scene in the first movie. You know, the guy in charge of the place Legolas and Silly are headed to?
MD: Don’t tell her the answer. <_<


Siladhiel and Legolas kept traveling. Now they had just one thought on there mind, warning Rivendel. They had come to the conclusion that the ogres they had seen were heading towards Rivendel for an attack, so not wasting anytime they kept going.

Ok, so if (by now) you have probably guessed one of the main couples.

MD: *growls*

Just search there names (…?...and…?...) on youtube and there is a video of them.

Editor: *growls*

My username/account is darkwing1408. Please, please, please review!!

Jester: Somehow, I get the feeling that maybe the hostility in here has gone up a teensy notch. :P
Insanity: Dangerously so?
Jester: Er, maybe . . . wait, did you just encroach on my turf? :P
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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MD1618
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I really hope this chapter is better then my last one. :P I wrote it in a few hours. So ya…hope you like it!

Disclaimer: look at chapters 1 and 2

Siladhiel's POV


The steady three beat movement underneath me of the cantering horse relaxed my mind and body.

All: . . .
MD: That was like one of those exercises where you have to re-evaluate the entire sentence every time you read a word further.
Editor: When all is said and done, “three beat” needs a hyphen.


Elves had always been good horsemen; we did not learn but were born to it. The same was with the bow and arrow, many of us were naturals. We could hit a bird's eye when it is flying in the sky, if we were to be asked.

MD: If we weren’t asked, we’d get all shaky about slaying an animal without cause. If anyone happened to ask us to do it, though, we always assumed there must be a good reason.
Editor: Being ordered didn’t work, because anyone ordering us around must have evil intentions.
Jester: Are you two done deconstructing that throw-away sentence yet?


My eyes drifted to Legolas, who rode a few strides infront of me,

Editor: *growls*

his blond hair lifting in the wind and a soft smile played on my lips. I had never been a cold person but I had also never thought myself of someone that would fall in love. Yet the elf prince that was riding before me was hard to resist.

Critic: When did this turn into the back cover of a romance novel?
Jester: About the same time Legolas’s hair became filled with helium. :P


I had seen him before, and heard of him. He had never seen and for sure never heard of me before I had met him. I didn't like being the centre of attention, though my father and sister had always said I seemed to draw attention to myself. I knew why, she-elves were usually the healers while the men elves went out to battle.

MD: They also didn’t usually rant about it.
Critic: Or get upset about having to hang out at a castle and then sulk indoors once they got there.
Jester: Or wait until their lust object’s attention was beginning to flag before pulling some stupid healing “power” out of thin air.


Yes, we she-elves learned how to fight with a sword and shoot a bow and arrow so we could protect ourselves when the time came as well. I had been a natural at the fighting skills but at healing as well. Instead of listening to my head I let my heart control my thoughts, which called me to

MD: contract my entire body seventy times a minute.

the open fields of battle and fear.

Insanity: Not to be confused with the open fields of cattle and beer.

I had trained with different elves and some men for many years, so when I was ready I…I

Jester: stuttered.

was snapped out of these memories as my horse galloped through a small river.

Editor: Do you mean a brook, perchance? Or is the horse swimming?
Jester: Such sarcasm. :P


Shaking my head as the water splashed up into my face I brought my horse to a trot as we climbed up the bank to rest.

Editor: Yes. That is an excellent idea. Whenever I am weary, I find a patch of inclined, muddy ground and begin climbing. I feel so refreshed when I reach the top!
MD: Whoa. Calm down.


Legolas sat, relaxing, on his horse watching the grey sky above us.

Editor: Thank you so much for informing us that Legolas was sitting on his horse. If you’d merely said he relaxed on his horse, I would have been confused as to whether he were sitting or standing on his head or lying crosswise. I wonder why the horse is watching the sky. Does it sense a storm coming?
MD: Do you need a break?
Editor: *sigh* Possibly.


"Shall we rest here?" I asked as I lightly swung off of Elenath. Legolas gave a small nod as he too jumped to the ground. Not saying anything in return I headed over to a spring

Editor: HYPHEN

fed pool and watched my reflection, my thoughts still on the past. My hair was pulled back half up and half down, as Legolas' was; the style men elves wore it. She-elves just wore there hair lose, silky, long, and thick.

Editor: LOOSE, you —
MD: No direct insults, now.
Editor: This is insulting to us!
MD: Maybe, but we’re supposed to keep to the moral high ground regardless of what the author does.
Jester: Bah. The high ground is only useful because then you can just drop stuff on the enemy. :P
MD: Don’t you start in on me too!
Insanity: I haven’t had a good line in a while. Can I start in on someone?
MD: . . . We need a break.


I didn't care; this style was more practical as it kept my hair out of my face. Legolas walked up and before he crouched down he watched our reflection then dipping his hands into the cool water he splashed some onto his face. Blinking I turned away. The faster moving currant

Editor: Blackcurrant?

of the river drew me to it. Water and the Forest were two parts of nature that called to me the most.

Jester: {Forest} “Feeeed meeeee!”
Insanity: {Water} “Have you any Grey Poupon?”
Jester: There! You stole my pop-culture schtick again!


I walked to the edge of the dark water, foaming over the few rocks one could see.

MD: But, but, you’re an Elf, and a speshul one at that. Can’t you see every single rock, all the way down to the bottom, even through foam, even in the dark? . . . Gah, now I’m getting snippy.

"We should be leaving soon," Legolas spoke from behind me.

MD: I’m afraid so, yes.

I spun around in surprise, now out of the trance I had been in.
"If we travel with just resting for a few hours we will reach Rivendell by nightfall tomorrow," I told Legolas as we checked if the saddles and saddle bags were attached properly on the horses.

Jester: “If we allow Merely Relaxing to tag along for any length of time, though, he’ll slow us down to the point that we’ll be lucky if we get there this week.”

When we were settled in the saddles was when Legolas first replied.

Editor: “You know, a good beta would get rid of awkward sentences like this one.”

"Yes, we'll try to reach Rivendell by nighttime tomorrow,"

Next day, night is coming

Editor: GAH! That does it, I’m out of here! *stomps off*
MD: Yeah, I think we’re all due for a break.

Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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MD1618
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MD: Normally we wouldn’t include anything from a break, but Editor insisted on saying something to the audience. (If you just want the MST-related material, you can skip past all the big paragraphs.)

Insanity: *tries skipping past the big paragraphs out of curiosity and somehow succeeds*

MD: :blink: . . .

Editor: Right! Now, listen up. When it comes to writing stories, creativity is a big part. But so is work. And part of that work involves making your creativity look good. How do you do that?

Jester: Lots of extraneous punctuation and netspeak? :P

Editor: NO! Shut up if you aren’t going to be helpful! Part of how you make your story look good is “revision”. Among other things, this involves going back over what you’ve written and fixing all the little mechanical and stylistic goofs. Spelling, punctuation, awkward sentence structures, poor word choice, etc. You do this for three main reasons.

Jester: Truth, justice, and the American Way? :P

Editor: Whether you like it or not, you aren’t entirely wrong. First, you do it for your audience. The fewer mechanical mistakes your story contains, the easier it is for your audience to read. If you truly respect your audience, you will not put unnecessary obstacles in their way. Second, you do it for yourself. Why? Because the easier it is for your audience to read your story, the more likely it is that they will keep reading it all the way through, and the more likely it is that they will give you feedback instead of writing you off as yet another example of the failure of the school system to teach basic communication skills.

MD: (That last bit is probably USA-specific, I suspect.)

Editor: Well, I cut a story some slack if I recognize that the author probably isn’t a native English speaker. Getting back on track: Furthermore, at some point in the future you may return to your story, read it over, and think, “Oh, this is so terrible. I’m so much better at writing now.” And that’s okay! That means that you are improving and growing as a writer. Growth is a good thing. However, basic proofreading is available to everyone, regardless of how talented a writer they are, through the wonders of spell checkers, grammar checkers, and the magic of re-reading what you just wrote to see if it actually makes sense.

Critic: Some people can’t help having difficulty with that last part. Dyslexics, for example.

Editor: Yes, I realize that, and there are techniques to get around it. Beta readers, if nothing else. The point is, your language skills reflect on you personally. That’s true whether you like it or not and whether it’s fair or not. And if you don’t want to embarrass yourself (whether in front of friends, family, and anonymous Internet users now or your older, wiser self in the future), you should hunt down and eradicate as many mistakes as you can before putting the results out there for others to see. You may still be embarrassed later about other aspects of your writing, but at least there won’t be bad spelling and grammar to add to your shame.

Third, you should proofread for the sake of your story. If you’ve got a really good, interesting concept, and you’ve gone to the trouble of writing it down, letting it play out, and then posting it online, then you probably want it to be read and understood. Am I right? Well, guess what? If your story is full of spelling and grammar mistakes, you’re doing your story an injustice. Not only will fewer people be interested in reading it all the way through, but those who do read it will have to spend more time and energy than necessary figuring out what you meant to say. Some of them won’t figure it out at all. The power of a stunning plot twist will be diminished if the reader is trying to figure out who, exactly, just came through the door. If you use confusing run-on sentences with no punctuation, it may honestly not be clear to anyone what’s going on with the plot.

Jester: If you use huge paragraphs to talk about boring stuff, people will just tune you out.

Editor: <_< It can be difficult to get everything just right, and nobody succeeds all the time. I’m not perfect, myself. But everyone can avoid getting everything just plain wrong. It takes effort, yes, but you can do it. The results are worth it.

MD: . . . Done?

Editor: Yes, thank you. I feel much better now.

MD: Good. I don’t want to have to deal with you breaking down and ranting about comma splices and stuff while we’re in the middle of a sentence.

Editor: Oh, I went into the other room and yelled at a lamp about that. It was very cathartic. :)

Jester: Is that what that was about? Here I thought you had been possessed by Insanity or something. :P How disappointing.

Insanity: Are you implying I yell at lamps? Because I don’t. <_<

MD: Er, let’s get back to the fanfic, shall we?

Insanity: There was that one time in Buenos Aires, and that was because he’d stolen my wallet. Lamps are very insecure creatures as a general rule, and if you think that I go around yelling at the poor things for no reason then you’ve got another think coming . . .

MD: Back to the fanfic! Now!
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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MD1618
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Nobody's POV

Editor: I wouldn’t be so bothered if the mechanics were entirely awful, you know.

MD: Yes, I realize that. *muttering* You’d be either catatonic or running away from it.

Editor: The spelling is passable. The grammar is erratic, but largely readable. I usually don’t even mind comma splices much, but here they just keep coming and coming and coming. The splices, that ridiculous “infront”, and a few other persistent mistakes are what are really getting to me. That just about sums up the problems. This person can clearly do better if she just takes some more time to look her writing over and apply a few more rules from English class.


The two elves seemed more relaxed as the familiar surroundings closed in around them.

Critic: To whom are they “seeming” more relaxed? “Nobody”?

The trees grew closer together as they rode on and a slight mist hung in the air. Pine trees mixed with leafy green ones, they had just crossed the river that let them enter to the Kingdom of Rivendell.

Editor: *twitch*
Critic: The pine trees had just crossed the river?
Jester: No, the leafy green ones had.


Still something haunted them though. Closing her eyes Siladhiel halted Elenath. Darkness and shadow pressed in around her as her breath came out in quick gasps.

Insanity: I see the horse is glad of a rest.
MD: I’m not sure the horse is a “her”.
Insanity: Well, maybe the author isn’t either. :)


She heard Legolas stop and his voice echoed in her mind but his words did not turn to anything as she fought against the deep anger and hate in her mind.

Jester: See, usually Legolas’s words turn to sweet, sweet chocolate inside a fangirl’s mind.
Insanity: Even the less than encouraging words?
Jester: Especially those. It’s a self-defense mechanism.


"No, stop…" she tried to shake of the horror in her mind but nothing helped. She felt as if she was falling into a deep pit of blackness and finally her eyes ripped open but what she saw was not trees but fire ready to engulf her.

Jester: That’s certainly odd. Most deep pits of blackness have trees at the bottom.

Covering her eyes with her hands she struggled to get out of this nightmare but it became more horrible as it took a hold of her

MD: and the soundtrack kicked in

. Closing her eyes she opened them again but this time she saw Aragorn in battle, his sword rose in the air in triumph.

Critic: *bored* And then he dies, yes?

She watched with horror though as an ogre, unseen to Aragorn, come up behind him to slam the man forward into a pit of fire.

Critic: Yup.
Editor: I think some of the tenses have been slammed into a pit of fire.


A scream came from her mouth but no sound was heard.

Critic: Ho-hum.

She watched people she loved have the same and worse death put on them.

Jester: Such as being pushed into a pit of fire with trees at the bottom!
Critic: That’s worse?
Jester: It is if they’re needly trees. :P


She tried to look away but as she struggled the torture became worse.

Insanity: A reserve company of Orcs mounted a brutal charge. Breaking through the last line of Elven defense, they captured the stage, where they began putting on a summer fashions show.
Jester: This is exactly the sort of thing the Geneva Convention was intended to prevent.


Hearing a moan she turned around to see a blond haired elf stumble, with his bow and arrow pointed at a dragon with a dark wizard riding it.

Insanity: Wheee!
Critic: I guess Legolas can’t walk and shoot arrows at the same time.
MD: Please don’t remind me of the “surfing Legolas” scene from Helm’s Deep.


'Please, not he' was the only thought in Siladhiel's mind. She tried to reach him but was held back by an unseen force.

Critic: *bored* They always do. And they always are.

The dragon hit Legolas to the side with his head before a sword was plunged into his shoulder, yet he was not dead.

MD: Okay, this is too much. I can take Elves having magical healing powers hidden in their thumbs, but one surviving a sword through a vital body part like the shoulder? That’s just plain unrealistic!

Tears streaming down her face she watched them torture him until he lay still on the ground. The wizard looked at her, the steel clanking as he walked to her.

Critic: What steel?

Words echoed in her mind,

*general oohing*

"this is just a taste of what happens when one tries to stop us," pain ripped through her before she again saw fire roar up infront of her and then everything went black.
Gasping for breath Siladhiel's eyes flew open as she felt the hard forest floor beneath her.

Critic: Is it a hardwood floor, then?
Jester: Was the deep fiery pit of blackness covered in shag carpeting?


Looking up she saw blue eyes watch her with horrible fear in them. Gasping she looked at Legolas with relief.

Jester: {Silly} “Oh, Legolas, I’ve just been through the most horrid experience. I dreamed I was surrounded by not-pretty people!”

"You're alright," she whispered.
"Siladhiel, what happened? I…I thought you were dying. You were screaming and moaning as if being tortured," Legolas made her lie down as he felt her forehead with cool hands.

Jester: Cuz he’s a cool dude, yo.

Closing her eyes for a moment Siladhiel let out a shaky breath.
"We have to go, Legolas. The darkness is close, so very close,"

Jester: *singing* So close . . . so close and yet so fa-ar.

Siladhiel sat up before getting to her feet. Legolas held her as she caught her balance. Legolas didn't push the matter but as Siladhiel was about to swing onto Elenath she rested her head onto the horse's neck. Watching her shoulders shake with silent tears Legolas finally walked over.

Jester: *falsetto* Finally he wakes up to the fact that she’s upset. Men! They just can’t take hints!

He put his hands onto her shoulders; turning the pale face

Insanity: of the moooon

to his. With his thumb he brushed away the tears trickling down her face.

MD: Is this his magic healing thumb, or the other one?

"It's Ok," he whispered but she shook her head.

Editor: {Siladhiel} “No, it is NOT ‘Ok’! It is either ‘okay’ or ‘OK’!”
MD: Never mind that the word wouldn’t be part of anyone’s vocabulary back then.


"Such horrible things I saw," Siladhiel gasped out as Legolas wrapped his arms around her, "everyone I love being hurt and tortured," and letting out her fear and pain she sobbed into his chest.
Legolas gently stroked her back before her tears slowed. Finally pulling away from him Siladhiel gave Legolas a small smile.
"Sorry," she whispered. He shook his head to tell her he didn't mind.
"You said that the darkness his close, how close?" Legolas asked her.
"They should be here by nightfall or earlier tomorrow."

Editor: {Siladhiel} “According to the timetable I was given, anyway.”
Jester: Yes, Silly, darkness does usually come at nightfall. That’s why it’s called “nightfall”.


"We have to go," Legolas quickly got the horses. Siladhiel jumped onto Elenath.

Jester: Elenath jumped onto Legolas.
Insanity: Legolas jumped onto a thimble.
MD: The thimble jumped onto Park Place.
Critic: Park Place jumped onto a hotel, and the universe folded up into a hopelessly tangled mess.


Legolas glanced at her but once again her face was composed and expressionless. With ought another word they nudged on the horses and galloping on the winding path they flew over the ground to Rivendell.
Elrond paced over the leaf strewn path quietly. He had had no news of the Fellowship and his thoughts kept slipping to them. Arwen coming back from traveling to the Grey Havens with many elves behind her had not helped. The thundering of hooves on the ground vibrated through the ground and he looked up through the darkness to see a familiar black and white horse gallop over the bridge with a grey one following it.

MD: The part of the princess in tonight’s production of “The Princess and the Pea” will be played by Lord Elrond of Rivendell.

The riders on top were hard to see. Stopping their horses they leaped off to briskly walk toward him. Weapons hung from them and Elrond watched them stride at him.

*general oohing at the suspense of it all*

"Lord Elrond," Legolas stopped infront of him, nodding. Blue eyes met grey ones before Elrond nodded in reply.

MD: {Elrond, robotic voice} “Retinal scan passed. Identity confirmed.”

A brown haired elf was behind Legolas.

Editor: Yes, but what was the hair’s color?

She watched the King of Rivendell silently, "Siladhiel, this is Lord Elrond, a keeper of one of the Rings and King and Lord of Rivendell.

MD: And a one and a two and a . . .
All: *repeated headdesking*


"I know," she said quietly as she faced Elrond.
"You have come back?" the brown haired elf asked her.

Jester: “I thought I had gotten rid of you at last.”

"I never left because I did not like this place. I was following my heart, I wanted to find myself," she replied calmly.
"And have you found it?"

MD: {Siladhiel} “Yes, I have found myself. Turns out I was in a display of Ding Dongs at the bread store in Bree.”

"I am very close, I have found part of it," Siladhiel watched him before Legolas stepped forward.

Jester: {Legolas} “I call ‘not it’!”
MD: {Elrond} “Not it!”
Editor: {brown elf} “Not it!”
Jester: {Elenath} *whinnying* ::Not – oh, drat.::


"You two know each other?" he asked.
"Siladhiel used to live here, for a little bit," Elrond told Legolas.

MD: “Only about, oh, five hundred years.”

When Legolas wasn't looking Elrond's eyes pierced her brown ones but she stared back calmly, an almost pleading look on her features.

Insanity: Legolas is against Siladhiel getting her brown eyes pierced. She’s so desperate to get them pierced that she came to Elrond, hoping he would agree to do the procedure. Which he has. With his own eyes, for some reason.

"Why are you here? By the looks on your faces it looks urgent," Elrond walked next to them, his draping clothing flowing out behind him. Siladhiel watched the almost full moon in the blue night sky.

Jester: {Silly} “. . . Is it doing a floor routine?”

Stars could be seen as well but wispy clouds drifted over them to make the bright light dim into an eerier glow.
"We had a sign, of danger, for Rivendell," Legolas explained.

Jester: While doing his best Shatner imitation.

Elrond stayed quiet as he stopped by an arched window that looked out on a garden. Siladhiel stopped beside him, her face half in shadow and half in the pale light.

Jester: *hums a tune from Phantom of the Opera*

"Danger, dark danger probably," Elrond quietly spoke to himself.

Jester: Then aloud: “Take this down: Stock up on milk, bread, spears, batteries for flashlights. All appointments tomorrow cancelled.” He broke off as he realized his secretary was nowhere in sight.

At the sound of darkness and danger Siladhiel flinched as black shadows again pressed into her mind.

Insanity: Leaving dark imprints on the spongy exterior of her brain.

Breathing quickly she gripped the stone ledge underneath her fingers.

MD: And resumed climbing.

This time she strained to hear Legolas' voice, trying to keep the evil away. She felt arms pull her close to someone and Legolas speak to her calmly.
"Siladhiel, just think of something happy,

MD: “like teddy bears.”
Jester: Or raindrops on roses.


we're all still here," Legolas' words just skimmed over her but she fought against the evil.

Editor: The evil of comma splices.

She imagined everyone she loved standing infront of her and greeting her into the light of bright sunshine filtering through trees to dance on the forest floor. Yet these thoughts were overcome when she saw a replay of Haldir being killed.

Editor: On the Jumbotron that was conveniently hanging above the rose garden.

His eyes wide with pain as he looked at her, eyes glazing over. Blood seeped through her hands as she felt her own breath leaving her body.
"No!" Siladhiel screamed and she turned around wrenching her eyes open. Gasping her chest

Jester: Grasping her chest?

rose up and down as she let the cool air flow into her lungs again. Legolas was holding her close to him as she shivered uncontrollably. Cold sweat stuck to her clothing.
alder bbeing killed. "That wasn't as long as last time," Legolas murmured to her.

Editor: Clean-up in aisle 12!

"I can't fight it, it's so hard," Siladhiel whispered. Legolas didn't say anything as he let her lean against him.

Jester: I’m not touching that.
MD: . . .


"What's wrong with her?" Elrond's normally calm expression looked worried as he quietly came up to look Siladhiel in the eye.

Jester: {Elrond} “I’m going to acknowledge your presence at the same time I talk about you like you aren’t here. How’s that for grrl power, punk!”

"We don't know," Legolas said, "it started right before we entered here.
"Nightmares, the evil and darkness come at me. I see horrible things, threats," Siladhiel muttered with her eyes closed. She opened them to look at Elrond and then Legolas, "I heard you this time though, last time I knew you were talking to me but I couldn't understand the words."

Editor: “‘Comma splice’ . . . ‘run-on sentences’ . . . ‘okay’ . . . are these, perchance, words of secret magic?”

"This was your second time?" Elrond asked thoughtfully. They both nodded.

Jester: Not touching that either.
MD: Good man.


"Do you think it happens when we mention, well…" Legolas trailed off.

Jester: Still not touching it.
Editor: Could you stop bringing it up, then? >_<


"No," Siladhiel shook her head, "we have spoken of the evil of Mordor many times. I think it is when I am not on guard. Both times I have had these, well, thoughts, it has been when I feel safe. I might not be any safer here but my mind thinks it is. Before we entered Rivendell we were always busy or thinking about all the danger and trouble."
"That makes sense. The white wizard takes advantage of you by sending you dark thoughts,"

Critic: This wizard must be quite strong if he’s overpowering Elrond’s ring. You know, the secret one that Legolas mentioned so casually.

Elrond lifted her chin with his hand; "you are pale and have a fever. Rest for now, Legolas and I will discuss this. Arwen can stay with you."
"Arwen?" Siladhiel gasped in surprise, "but she is going to the undying lands, is she not?"

Critic: “Yes, but her flight doesn’t leave until next week.”

"Apparently not," and for the first time Siladhiel saw weary lines on Elrond's face, his appearance tired. Guilt weighed her down at putting more trouble on his shoulders, "only some elves left for the Grey Havens. Many stayed," he turned around with fear in his eyes, "they have stayed and this attack you speak of might be the end of the elves of Rivendell."

MD: That would be quite a decent paragraph with a little tweaking of the mechanics.

"If you are ready it might not be. The era of men might be coming but only if we destroy this evil.

Critic: That makes so little sense, I’m not even going to bother with it.

That does not mean that elves will die off though," Siladhiel's eyes were bright with wisdom as she stared at Elrond. His eyes did not flicker with surprise as he looked at her.

MD: Why did he not show surprise? Because he was not surprised. Why was he not surprised? Because he is NOT A SIMPLETON.
Insanity: Been a long time since you’ve used that word. It’s a good word.


"Then we shall fight, but first you have to go and rest. Do you remember where your room is?"
"Of course, I would never forget," Siladhiel whispered as she looked at him.

Jester: {Silly} “It’s the one with the window right above the compost pile.”

Legolas quietly watched them speak. Giving both elves a small nod Siladhiel turned around and walked slowly away as the shadows finally swallowed her up.

Please, please, please review! You just go to that button down there on the left (below this message) and submit a review! You don't even have to be a user of fanfiction! ) If you review here and have a story on lord of the rings fanfic I will read it and review!
-goddess1408
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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MD1618
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Seer of Visions
Grammar, etc. might no be amazing, sorry if this story sucks.

All: *duck and wait for the eruption of sarcasm*
MD: . . . *looks around* Did Editor leave?
Critic: Seems so.

Whoever is reading this story I would give you a hug if I could. )

Jester: I don’t think you’d want to hug any of us. ;)
MD: We really don’t mean to be nasty, though.

Thank you!

Disclaimer: If you haven't got it yet-don't own LOTR but I do own any new characters, plot, setting, etc.

Siladhiel's POV


I slowly opened my eyes as the bright sunlight shone into my room through the many windows. After regaining full use of my vision

Jester: by retrieving my eyes from the glass of water beside my bed,

I realized a figure was seated on a chair beside my bed, sleeping. Sitting up I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, I then focused onto Arwen whose long hair covered her shoulders as she slept. I silently rose out of bed, and then slipped into the blue velvet robe which hung on a one of the bed posts.

Jester: *hums “Blue Velvet”*
Insanity: *hums “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor?”*


Slowly I made myself down the long hallways which connected this kingdom; finally I reached one of the many gardens of Rivendell.

MD: 1: The phrase is “made my way down”. 2: That’s not a kingdom you’re describing, it’s a house. (It’s also not located within a kingdom.) 3: If you were so impatient to reach the garden, why didn’t you move faster?

I stepped through the lush, mossy grass to a uniquely carved wooden bench.

Critic: Rivendell has no lawnmower. Rivendell needs no lawnmower.
Jester: A plaque on the underside of the bench read “#29 of 50”.


Sitting down on it I let myself drink in the beautiful flowers that swayed in a slight breeze

MD: Sounds fatal. To the flowers, at least.

while small waterfalls made a beautiful song with the birds.

Insanity: The waterfalls wrote the tune and the birds wrote the lyrics.

Unconsciously I traced the carvings of trees, birds, and waves in the bench. I let my thoughts drift but I still felt movement behind me, yet I didn't turn around, I waited for whoever was there to speak.
"Le mil ha si edregol," (You love it here especially) Elrond said quietly as he stopped infront of me.

MD: Let’s see, looks like French – Spanish – Spanish – Spanish – Gibberish.
Jester: According to Google the last word’s Sindarin.
MD: That’s cheating. *shakes a finger at Jester*


"It reminds me of the Forest but the waterfalls make it like a paradise, which is what Rivendell always, was to me," I whispered in English.

Critic: She just keeps using that term, doesn’t she?
MD: I bet she annoyed a lot of people with that little goof.


"Was?" Elrond sat down next to me.
"It still is but with this battle coming I can feel the tension in the air. It is like it was at Helms Deep before the ogres came."

Critic: {Siladhiel} “Except that here, I can allow myself to go outside.”
Jester: {Silly} “Come to think of it, it was pretty stinky after the ogres came. You might want to add potpourri to your shopping list.”
Critic: Wait. Ogres?

*Silence*

MD: . . . She’s been saying “ogres” the whole time, hasn’t she.
Critic: And it never registered with us. How did that happen?
MD: *hopefully* Maybe it’s legitimate slang or something for “orcs”?
Critic: I doubt it.
Jester: Well, this is looking pretty embarrassing for you two. Fortunately I don’t pride myself on catching such details . . . *smirk*
MD: You tell anyone about this and I’ll tell them about that time you completely missed the chance for an easy Princess Bride quote.
Jester: Curses! You win this time. :P


After some silence Elrond spoke, "Legolas told me, about Haldir…" trailing off he looked at me, "I am sorry, I know what he meant to you."
"He taught me so much, he was my teacher as much as my friend," I closed my eyes momentarily.

MD: Thank you for not going the clichéd route of making him some sort of lover. Please keep it that way.
Critic: According to Wikipedia, “ogre” is a subset of “orc”.
MD: Whew. Thank you, too. Now please, let’s stop the Internet-cheating.
Critic: I still don’t understand why she calls them ogres. Was that word used at all in the movies? I don’t remember it in the movies or the books.


"Yet Legolas could not comfort you because he does not know this, am I correct?" Elrond did not react as he watched me flinch at his accusation, "what does he know of your past?" I did not answer him and did not meet his eyes, "You cannot live in lies or dishonesty for your whole life."

Jester: {Elrond} “One of these days you’re going to have to face your past.”
MD: {Siladhiel} (sobbing) No! No one may know of my terrible deeds done in darkness and despair!”
Jester: {Elrond} “If you keep up that alliteration, I’ll let all of Rivendell know how you used to work for—”
MD: {Siladhiel} “No, don’t say it! I’ll be good! *sniff*”


"I will not, but I had my own troubles at the time, and I have them now as well," I finally looked Elrond in the eye, "please, just let us get this battle over with," Elrond nodded at me and I gave him a small smile.

Jester: Could we just get this story over with, too? :P

"A meeting has been called, you are invited. Come quickly it will start right away, when all have arrived," Elrond said briskly before he rose from where he sat to leave me to ponder the words he had spoken. After sitting for a few minutes I stood up and made my way back to my bedroom.

Jester: {Silly} “You know, this doesn’t smell so bad after Helm’s Deep.”
Critic: {Siladhiel} “I need to attend right away, eh? I think I’ll go take a nap.”


"Siladhiel!" Arwen called for me as I looked at the array of dresses I could choose between to wear.

Math: *poking his head into the room* Did someone mention an array?
Jester: Yes, as in “Go array and leave us!” :P


I turned my head as she entered the room but went back to choosing what I was to wear as she stepped over

Insanity: the chickens piled on the floor.

, "Legolas wishes to speak with you before the meeting of the elves, he has to speak of the plans with the battle," her eyes flickered with fear at the mention of the attack that was so near.

MD: In fact, she shed a frightened tear.
Jester: {Arwen} “Wanna go out for a beer?”
Critic: {Siladhiel} “No, the foe will soon be here.”
MD: {Arwen} “We will face them with a sneer!”
Jester: {Siladhiel} “Let’s drown them all in a mere!”
Critic: {Arwen} “Cruelly we shall then jeer:”
MD: {Arwen} “Better get a new career!”
Jester: Anybody want a peanut?
Insanity: THIRD BASE!


"I have to choose what to wear to be presentable to the meeting first, yet I do not wish to wear something that will make me look too made up. It has to be something plainer but not to plain. I can't explain this very well…" I tried to explain to my friend as I sorted through the many colours.

Jester: You’re a girl, honey, and a Mary Sue at that. We understand. :P

Arwen hurried forward to help and after some minutes she pulled out a dark green dress.
"What about this?" she asked as she held it up for me.

MD: {Siladhiel} “Actually, I was thinking maybe this one instead.”
Jester: {Arwen} “White? After Labor Day? Are you out of your mind?!”


"You kept it?" I gasped as I let my fingers trail over the fabric.
"You always wore it for everything; no one could change your mind that this dress was to plain," Arwen handed it over and sent me off to change.

Critic: That’s why she’s so surprised you kept it, Arwen. The thing must be ragged and smelly by now.
MD: I don’t think of Elves as the sort to believe that “too plain” could ever apply to clothing.


Smiling I stepped out from behind the screen that I had been changing behind.

Jester: And now, we shall get a lengthy description of this allegedly plain dress. :P

The silky fabric was a plain dark green but went down to the ground to cover my feet. The sleeves were loose around my hands while the collar was plain and covered my collar bone. A lose belt was attached to it in a pale green with silver stitching on it.

MD: The stitching read “Made in Eregion”.

Tying it so that it just cinched in right below my waist Arwen nodded.

Jester: And proceeded to pull on both ends with all her might.
MD: Eh, that wasn’t a terribly long description.


"Lad a bein," (plain but pretty) she said. My hair fell loosely over my shoulders and Arwen grabbed a comb to pull through it.

Jester: {Siladhiel narrating} And hopefully through my neck in the process.

My wavy hair would not be tamed though, and I finally told her that I would just wear it as I usually did.

MD: Nothing wrong with wavy hair.

Pulling it back I quickly braided the sides and let the other hair that fanned out around my face be tied back by a piece of vine.

Critic: I think she’s going for the “wood nymph” look.

"Legolas is waiting outside in the hallway, I will tell the meeting you are coming," Arwen slipped out a side door as we walked out of my room. Legolas waited for me, impatiently. His clothing was clean but still what he had worn before.

*general laughter*
Jester: Yep, that’s a man for you.


"Siladhiel," he said quietly, nodding at me.
"Do not be so serious," I said jokingly, "I might be wearing something newer and look a little cleaner, but that does not mean you have to act so formal."

MD: Formal? I thought he was just acknowledging your presence while he caught up on the newspapers.

"Sorry, who would have known you would be offended by good manners as well," Legolas grinned at me but a shadow fell over his eyes as he again had a serious expression on his face.

Critic: *groans* We’ve seen Mary Sues like that before.

"What did you want to speak to me about?" I asked him as we walked down the tiled rooms of Rivendell.

MD: Tiled rooms, eh. Not through the hallways you mentioned before, but through tiled rooms.

"The meeting. Elrond has decided that we need the help of the other Elvin Kingdoms. Lord Celeborn and my father King Thanduil are here, and they have brought elf soldiers with them," I stopped and Legolas turned to see why.

MD: Hey, author. See that word before “Celeborn” there? Notice how it doesn’t look like the word before “Th—” . . . er, before the other guy’s name? It may surprise you, but that difference means there’s also a difference in how you refer to their realms.
Critic: He wants to talk about the meeting? Er, didn’t Arwen tell her that Legolas said he wanted to talk about the battle plans?
MD: Well, but then the author realized that she would have to come up with coherent, sane battle tactics, and so instead she is moving her plot along in a different direction.
Critic: Or that was just a completely unimportant detail she invented as an excuse to send Arwen in to mess with Siladhiel’s hair, then immediately forgot about.
MD: I give the two ideas 50-50 odds.
Jester: Bah. Obviously Legolas just wanted an excuse to speak with his beloved again. :P
MD: You mean Arwen?
Jester: Of course!


"Celeborn?" I asked with surprise.

Jester: “I thought I killed you!”

"Yes, Lady Galadriel's husband," Legolas replied.
"I know who he is, just…surprised," not saying anything else we walked on. I noticed the many elves milling around, almost secretly. As if they were keeping an eye on us.

Jester: They’re waiting for Legolas to give the signal to attack you.

We finally entered a room that no other elves were in. Legolas visibly relaxed, as did I.
"How are?" His eyes worried Legolas looked at me.

MD: Gah.

For a moment I got lost in them, his eyes had always been an invitation to another place far away.

Jester: Funkytown?

Giving a slight shake of my head I looked at the room.
"As men say," I spoke quietly; "I've been better," Legolas watched me walk around the room.

Jester: {Legolas} *crossing something off on a clipboard* “Nope, you don’t meet her standards either.”
Critic: {Siladhiel} “What in Arda are you doing?”
Jester: {Legolas} “I have a theory that it’s something in the way Arwen moves that attracts me like no other. So far, that seems to be the case.”
MD: *sarcastically* Yeah, that wasn’t a stretch.


"Did you have more nightmares?" he asked as he stopped me from pacing by gently grabbing my arm. I stopped and turned to face him.
"Arwen helped, but yes, they were not as long and bad as the first one. Yet, I did not get as much sleep as I had hoped."

MD: {Siladhiel} “A certain Elvish prince kept waking me up with his loud snoring. Ahem.”

"I can tell," Legolas whispered as he looked into my eyes, "you look tired, and sad."
"They drain my energy," I said.

MD: Doncha just hate enemies like that? I do.

At least it was sort of the truth, yet Elrond's words of dishonesty still echoed in my mind.

Jester: *singing* Lie lie LIE! Lie lie lie lie-lie-lie-lie-lie, lie lie LIE!

Legolas slowly pulled me to him and I relaxed against his chest, taking deep breaths. These problems could be fixed after the battle,

Jester: Or during the battle, via the simple procedure of you getting killed.

and when all this darkness could leave my thoughts. His strong arms held me as he stroked my back and hair calmingly.

*general purring*

After a few moments Legolas drew away and gently brushed my cheek with the back of his hand.

Jester: {Legolas} “Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”

"We have to go to the meeting, or we shall be late," he told me.

MD: Technically, you’ll be absent if you don’t go.

"I know," then putting on our more serious expressions again we headed to where the Elvin kings and lords were waiting for us.

Nobody's POV

"You are late," Elrond's voice seemed to echo but Siladhiel met his gaze without flinching.
"Legolas was just explaining what was happening," she explained, "sorry if I have slowed the preparations for battle," Celeborn was eyeing her with a curious expression on his face and she looked him in the eye before giving him a deep nod and curtsy.
"King Thanduil," she curtsied for him as well as she said his name.

MD: So she didn’t curtsy very well?

Legolas stood next to his father, their golden hair exactly the same colour, shone in the morning sunlight.

MD: Gah. It’s like a mutated comma splice.

Celeborn's white blond hair reflected the sunlight instead of soaking it up but it seemed to make a halo around his head.

Critic: I’m sorry, but I can’t even pretend to follow the logic of that sentence.
Insanity: Maybe you just aren’t trying hard enough.


Siladhiel quickly went to an unoccupied seat next to Arwen.

Jester: Legolas promptly went to the seat occupied by Arwen.
MD: {Arwen} “Down, boy.”


Elrond nodded at all the elves before they sat down, all eyes fixed on the King of Rivendell.

All: Who?

"We have come today because of a threat to Rivendell that could not just destroy Rivendell but kill all elves with it.

MD: No. I don’t believe for a minute that Sauron was ever that strong.

Siladhiel and Legolas received a sign at Helms Deep that told of an attack on Rivendell.

Critic: “Based on the available evidence, this could be anything from a few rowdy ten-year-olds to every creature in existence, but apparently we’re convinced somehow that it’s quite deadly.”
Insanity: I think it’ll turn out to be bread mold.


When they were coming here to warn us they passed the large army of ogre's and creatures able to kill any living thing in their path," Elrond explained,

Critic: Good to know there’s exactly one of these armies.
MD: How could they tell it was this particular army when they only saw a very small, ineffective part of it?
Insanity: The salamander mascot probably gave it away.


"Siladhiel and Legolas both say the ogre's will be here by Nightfall today," Elrond paused as he looked over the two elf lords infront of him, "we have asked for your help, will you protect Rivendell alongside us?"
"I will only provide my soldiers to your aid if you will come to ours when Mirkwood is in time of need," King Thanduil's voice rose above the birds after Elrond had finished.

Critic: Wow, he must have a powerful voice if he can outshout all that chirping and twittering.

"Of course, we will be in your debt," Elrond nodded at him before looking at Celeborn, "Celeborn, what do you say?" he asked but the Lord's eyes were not on Elrond but on Siladhiel.

Jester: {Narrator} As everyone’s should be, doggone it!

"So this is Siladhiel?" he asked as she met his eyes steadily.

Jester: {Celeborn} “She looks . . . uglier than I remembered.”
Critic: {Celeborn} “Never mind the end of life as we know it, I want to know where this OC came from.”


"Yes, she has stayed here before and is welcome to visit whenever she wishes," Elrond gave Celeborn a small glare.
"I have heard much about you," Celeborn whispered as he stood up and walked over to Siladhiel, "the Lady Galadriel has looked into your life, the pain, the hope, the loss, the love, and the lies," Siladhiel stood up when he came to a stop infront of her.

Insanity: {Celeborn} “Oh, and the sponsorship deals too.”

"Does she not do that with all elves, free folk, and men whose paths have intertwined with hers?" Siladhiel whispered quietly so none would hear but Celeborn.

Jester: “She’s such a nosy gossip.”
MD: That’s awfully quiet indeed, considering she’s surrounded by Elves.


"Of course, but yours have done that from before you were born," Celeborn answered back just as quietly, fire sparking in his cool blue eyes before he stepped back.

Critic: I think that fire means the author is taking this exchange more seriously than we are.

"Send her my greetings," Siladhiel sat down again, ignoring Legolas' and King Thanduil's curious stares.

MD: As are we. Ignoring them, I mean.

Celeborn seated himself comfortably on his chair and looked at Elrond calmly.

Critic: {Celeborn} “Now that we’ve dispensed with the important business . . .”

"My soldiers shall also assist you," he said sternly as wind made leaves fly through the air and skip over the ground.
"Rivendell thanks both of you and your soldiers, let us now prepare for battle," Elrond stood up quickly to dismiss the meeting, "Siladhiel and Arwen, you two shall go and prepare the elves that can not fight to hide," he ordered the two elves.

MD: Sometimes you gotta fight in order to hide.

Arwen nodded but Siladhiel did not move, her brown eyes staring at Elrond angrily.

Critic: *groans and rests his forehead on his palm* What is it now?

Elrond turned to see her still standing there, "what is it now, Siladhiel?" he asked her.
"I'm not going into hiding with the others, I have never wanted to and never will,"

Critic: Oh right, that. Listen, sister, if Eowyn can do it then so can you.

Elrond took a deep breath to calm the anger he felt

MD: Elrond, kind as summer. Suuuuure.

and then turned to Siladhiel.

Critic: He was already facing her. Did he do a 360-degree turn?

"The battle field is not safe for you," he told her.

MD: “Of course, it’s not safe for anyone else either, but . . .”

Siladhiel's breath caught in her throat as she remembered Aragorn saying those words to her. Legolas flinched as he also heard them, remembering the outburst after them. Freezing Siladhiel angrily stared at Elrond before her mouth opened.

Jester: Melting Siladhiel had already turned into a puddle and was therefore unavailable for response.
Critic: Duck your heads, here comes a rant!


"What do you think I have been doing that time I have been away? It is not as if I was hiding, I was fighting against the evil. I helped kill ogres and protect Helms Deep; I was one of the few that watched Haldir die. I saw the axe being swung into his back and I saw his eyes glaze over with death in Aragorn and my arms.

Jester: Death? I thought it was chocolate.
Insanity: No, that was Siladhiel.
Jester: Hush. :P


I was the one who has felt the terror and fear and pride in battle as I fought alongside men and elves and dwarfs.

MD: {Siladhiel} “Nobody else! Me me me me!”

I have been injured because of evil

MD: {Elrond} “I lost my parents because of evil.”
Critic: {Glorfindel} “I lost my life because of evil.”
MD: {Legolas} “Gimli lost his cousin because of evil.”
Critic: {Arwen} “I could be cuddling with my sweetie right now if he weren’t off fighting evil.”
MD: {Bilbo} “Mmm? Evil? That reminds me, Siladhiel, have I ever recited for you any of my poems about the little adventure I had with a dragon?”
Jester: {Siladhiel} “Excuse me, is this scene about you people or me? Uh-huh, that’s right. Now, as I was saying . . .”


and even though it haunts me I can still fight back with my bow and arrows and sword," she paused to catch her breath, and then she turned around and swiftly walked away. At the entrance to one of the rooms of the palace she threw the last words over her shoulder, "I am fighting in this battle and there is nothing you can do to stop me!"

Jester: {Elrond} “Not even if I offer you . . . a Klondike bar?”
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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MD1618
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Seer of Visions
Legolas' POV

I quietly walked down the hallway to the room that had been prepared for me. I hadn't actually had the chance to rest that much as Elrond and I had been very busy over the night sending out messengers and so on. My bow and arrow hung over a chair along with my twin knives.

Insanity: Along with my copy of the latest Cosmopolitan.

I quickly strapped on my belt and knife as well as my arrows over my shoulder.

Insanity: The magazine went straight into the fireplace.

Leaving my bow for a moment I walked to a window and leaning out I drew in the sights and smells of Rivendell. Closing my eyes I imagined what it would be like when the ogres attacked, this peace and tranquility would be disturbed and destroyed.

MD: Just a smidgen.

"Húrin?" (Ready?) My father spoke behind me.

MD: *gasp* I recognize that word! I don’t trust the translation, but I recognize it!
Jester: Well, aren’t you special.


Turning around I tried to smile but it turned into a grimace, "it is alright to be afraid, my son," he watched me seat myself onto the bed.

Critic: *chin in hand* It’s so fascinating to read about all these people watching other people watch them. And by “fascinating” I mean “weird”.

"It is not that I am afraid for myself, but for the others," I told my father as I traced the carving of leaves on my long bow, a gift from Lady Galadriel.
"Spoken as a true King," a large, proud smile spread across King Thanduil's face.
"You are king right now, Father; it will be many years before I will be King," I said quietly.
"I know. Yet, you have to look for a wife as I need to give you my approval," King Thanduil sat down next to me.

Critic: *groan* And back into cliché we go.

I flinched as I remembered the elf's my father had pointed out before.

Insanity: {Thranduil} *pointing* “Look, they’re even on sale. That one’s in green. Green’s your favorite color, isn’t it?”
Jester: {Legolas} *whiny* “Daaaad, I keep telling you, Aeropostale is totally dorky. Hot Topic and Abercrombie & Fitch are what’s cool.”


"I do not love anyone at the time

Insanity: of my passing

," I told my king and father.

Jester: {Legolas} “Except Arwen, but she stopped returning my calls hundreds of years ago.”
Critic: {Thranduil} “Maybe if you didn’t insist on phoning her during dinner . . .”


"Then take your time, but now we have to hurry or else we shall miss the whole battle."

Critic: And out we come. Thank goodness we didn’t spend long there.

"The army of Mordor will be here by Nightfall, that is what Siladhiel said," I said as I got up and followed my father out of the room.

Critic: Why does she capitalize Nightfall?
Insanity: Maybe it’s the Middle-earth equivalent of Greyhound.


"Siladhiel, yes, she has quite a temperament, doesn't she?" my father mused to himself. I muttered in agreement, my eyes on the floor,

Critic: At least the author recognizes it for what it is. I expected Legolas to defend her.

"well, I have to go now. I will see you later," Thanduil turned away down another corridor as I kept walking, trying to find my way to someplace where I knew someone.

MD: If that’s all you want, then you could just turn around and go back to your father.
Jester: *singing* Sometimes you wanna go, where you know everybody’s name . . .


"Sorry, but no one ever listens to me and…" Siladhiel's voice could be heard from far away and with a sigh I knew she was having an argument with someone.

MD: Whiny as she sounds, it’s nice that Legolas doesn’t feel defensive about her.
Jester: {Silly} “I warned you about that wooden horse, but you didn’t listen! And look at the result! Now I warn you of another invasion force and you still don’t list — oh.”


As I entered the room I almost ran into Elrond who was leaving the room with an angry scowl on his face. Siladhiel was angrily grabbing her sword which she strapped on along with her shaft of arrows, which were already on her back.

MD: All her arrows shared the same shaft? That sounds awkward.

A watched her stop infront of the mirror my reflection smiled at her as she saw me in the mirror.

MD: but I was actually frowning as I tried to untangle my legs from the sentence.

Spinning around she forced a smile in return.

MD: Is this social interaction or tennis?
Jester: Well, she isn’t very social, so it’s probably the latter.


"Seems you and Elrond aren't getting along to well," I observed as she checked if the string on her bow was tight.
"I'm still fighting, after the battle we will make things right between us," she walked past me after throwing her bow over her shoulder,

Jester: *singing* Do your bows hang low? Do they wobble as you go?

"he is just too protective and doesn't like his authority being questioned infront of other Elvin Lords."

MD: That’s because a common Elf would have to be foolish or nuts to question his authority. So, yeah, he thinks you’re a bit dippy.

"Neither would I" I told her we headed down a set of stairs outside her room.
"Hmmm, yes, well when I'm here he'll have to live with it," her strict tone was different from when she normally spoke to me, and she kept her eyes averted from me.

Critic: {Legolas narrating} It was almost as if she were feeling . . . moody.

"What did Celeborn tell you, at the meeting?" I asked her curiously. Surprise flickered over her face but she masked it just like the clouds that covered the sun.

MD: So, she . . . covered her expression with shaving cream?

"Nothing," she muttered before hurrying away from me. I watched her leave and all of a sudden, just like the cold wind, I felt as if something had been changed between us that I had somehow missed.

Jester: We’ve secretly replaced the coffee at Rivendell with new Folgers Decaf With Garlic & Onions. Let’s see if Legolas notices.
MD: Apparently Siladhiel has.

Nobody's POV


Siladhiel's eyes swept over the hundreds of archers, with bow and arrow ready, as the marching and stomping came closer. She had been positioned near Elrond and alongside his elf soldiers while Legolas was with his father and with the Mirkwood elf's

Insanity: xylophone cannon

. Siladhiel could see Elrond glancing at her but she ignored him as she saw movement down below them. The plan was that they would shoot right when the ogres were visible,

Jester: and left when the ogres were invisible.
MD: Sounds like one of Haldir’s strategies.


and through the bright moonlight she saw a large cave troll as it hollered to the sky.

Jester: To quit dripping water because man, that was getting annoying.

Siladhiel vaguely heard Elrond yell for them to fire and she felt as if she was, again, at Helms Deep, just that this time she was at her home. Siladhiel's arrows cut through the air, alongside others, as they killed many ogres yet more seemed to fill Rivendell, like tainted water spilling into an already overflowing bowl. An elf yelled from behind and as she spun around with the others all realized that the enemy was also coming from behind.

Jester: What a shocking battle tactic.

Sword drawn out

Jester: As long as this battle scene isn’t drawn out, I don’t care.
Insanity: What if there’s a drawn-out death scene?
Jester: Nooooooooo! ;)


Siladhiel sliced and stabbed the evil that closed her in, it held, tortured, and kept her mind in a prison of fear and pain but not now, now was time for her revenge.

Critic: Did that sentence go from literal to metaphorical and back again without warning? O_o
Jester: I’m pretty sure that’s a five-yard penalty.


Elves and ogres lay around her, but still she kept going forward, Elrond fought near her but both did not realize it, there thoughts on killing

Jester: the Elves

and protecting

Jester: the ogre-orcs

. Gasping something

MD: by the horns?

slammed into her and she flew to the side

Jester: of her stricken mother

as a troll roared angrily at the elf lying on the ground.

MD: Which elf lying on the ground?
Critic: You know, that one.


Siladhiel scrambled to her feet, her bow held up, she shot two arrows at it, piercing its thick chest but not killing it

Jester: , or this sentence, like the troll it kept going, aided by commas.
Insanity: Wait, I’ve figured out where the ogres came from.
Jester: Chicago?
Insanity: No.


. The trolls club came out of nowhere and before Siladhiel knew it she had been

MD: inducted into it, on the principle that she must be a troll with a face like that.

thrown up into the air and landed against a wall. Dazed on the ground her side felt wet and has she drew her hand away it was covered in dark blood.

MD: And ambiguous pronouns.
Insanity: And the scent of oregano.


She quickly drew herself up, as the troll came toward her. Putting up her arrow she grimaced at the pain but her arrow pierced it right in the eye.

MD: Dumbest.
Critic: Troll.
Jester: Ever.


Blinded in one eye it stumbled and grunted in pain. She shot another arrow but it was swatted away with the club that was held in the large hands of the troll.

Critic: Ten extra words, just to tell us that the troll’s hands are large.
Insanity: I could incite a revolution among kitchen appliances everywhere with ten words.


Pulling out her sword she tried to stab it but her movements were slowed by the injury she had sustained and she did not even cry out as she stumbled to the ground. The shadow of the club rose in the air and slammed down right where Siladhiel had been lying.

Critic: Trolls certainly are slow.
MD: Maybe these ones are. *shudder*
Jester: So, was the club itself no longer attached to its shadow, or is this a strange indirect way of saying she got killed?


Rolling away she held her side, trying to stand, but her legs gave way.

MD: to oncoming traffic.

She looked at the troll moving towards

Critic: its doom

with fear, no elves around her noticed, as her

Critic: attacker’s

death came closer. Closing her eyes she tried to heal the wound, so she could at least move, but fear engulfed her so she could not concentrate.

Critic: Okay, that bit was nicely done.

Then, through the sounds of battle, she heard her name called.

Insanity: Her mother had come to pick her up early.

Opening her eyes Siladhiel saw a dark shape move infront of her, piercing the troll with its sword.

MD: Elrond?
Jester: Legolas!
Critic: Legolas.
Insanity: Georg Cantor?
Math: He wouldn’t fight, as he’d be too busy determining the cardinalities of the two armies.
Jester: Nice one, Insanity, you summoned Nerdorama. :P


Hope rising in her chest

MD: and settling in her gut,

she took her bow and an arrow, pointing it at the trolls head she released it, the sudden movement causing her to gasp out, but with satisfaction the troll fell at her and her saviors hands.

Critic: {Troll} “I come here to get killt, and I done got killt. Sweet!”

After making sure the troll was dead Elrond quickly went to her.

MD: Whoa, seriously? Go me!
Jester: No fair! The author did something mildly unexpected!


He bent over her, worry in his eyes, as he felt her side.

MD: {Elrond} “Nope, she’s not wearing my best armor either. Well, somebody took it . . .”

Putting a slight pressure on her wound Siladhiel pulled away

Jester: from the pack, neck-and-neck

with pain.
"I'll heal it now," she murmured quietly. Resting her hand on it she whispered soft rhymes and a smile played across her face as she felt warmth spreading from her ribs to the rest of her body.

Critic: As the battle raged all around.

Her concentration was ripped away though as a scream of an elf in pain was sounded.

Jester: And found to be six fathoms deep.

Sitting up she gasped,

MD: “I failed my concentration check! Quick, someone just pass me a potion!”

Elrond kneeled next to her, as his expert hands felt her wound.

MD: Oh, so the writer does know about him being a proper healer.

"You will be fine for now," he quickly said and then, after jumping up, he disappeared.

Critic: You mean he didn’t linger to gaze worriedly at her wound and into her eyes for three pages?

Siladhiel fought on, her movement was slower but her wound would be fine for now. Blood spattered into her face but she wiped it away as she stabbed another ogre.

Jester: Fine, I’ll bite. Insanity, where did the ogres come from?
Insanity: They’re the result of Sauron’s gene-splicing experiments involving orcs and commas.
Jester: Well, I guess that was almost worth asking about. :P


Somehow Siladhiel had made her way across the palace

*general sighing*

without realizing it and as she was fighting she glimpsed Legolas for a moment but then he to, disappeared. What felt like many hours later the ogres seemed to be less then their foes

Critic: and something more than their friends,

and she relaxed a little bit until she heard cries of fear, and pain?

MD: Um, sure. What about it?

She almost fell down a flight of steps as she pushed past ogres and elves to where the sound had come from. She glimpsed Legolas being pushed into the corner by a large dragon.

Jester: Oh no, he’s gonna take Legolas’s lunch money!

Stumbling as she ran Siladhiel shot an arrow into the dragon, ducking the swinging tail, she found herself face to face with Legolas.

MD: They looked each other in the eye awkwardly for a moment as all motion stopped around them. Then she said, “Um, hi . . .” but was cut off as the swinging tail stirred into motion again, bouncing her off the wall, out the window, and into a convenient fountain.
Insanity: That’s another twenty points for the tail!

Siladhiel's POV


"Watch out!" he yelled but it was to late as the dragons head swung out and it took me in its jaws before I was flung through the air, again, yet this time dark magic went into my thoughts and closed everything away.

Critic: *sigh* I look at that sentence and want to make some stupid remark, but I just don’t know where to begin.
Jester: That’s okay. The writer didn’t know where to finish.


The dragon threw Legolas aside as the Dark Knight turned its steed to face me.

MD: *groans and rests his face in his hands*
Jester: {Dark Knight} “I—”
MD: *without looking up* We know you’re Batman. We know it’s just a flesh wound. And we know your one goal in life is to checkmate the Light King.
Jester: Are you accusing me of being predictable?
MD: Half your purpose in life is inane pop culture references, so yes, you are predictable.
Jester: That’s funny, because I was going to say, “I’m a Night Knight Rider!”
MD: . . . You win this time.


My nightmares reawakened inside me as the words that echoed in my mind day and night strengthened, just that this time it was real.
"This is just a taste of what happens when one tries to stop us," the Dark Knight threw it's hand to the side

Jester: , where some guy in seriously overdone face paint was trying to sneak up on it,
MD: *rolls eyes*


and I felt white, hot pain in my side as his hands slashed through the air. My eye rested on Legolas who was stirring but my lack of attention angered my tormenter and he too watched Legolas and I almost heard his laughter in my head as he took out a chain with a steel club at the end.

Jester: I should have bet Editor at the start on which would occur more often, run-ons or comma splices.
Math: I think comma splices are ahead by—
Jester: Oh, hush. :P


Swinging it out he hit Legolas in the side and I screamed as the elf collapsed from where he had risen. Again he slashed the air but this time I fought against it.

Critic: Okay, so he actually isn’t supposed to be physically striking her. Good to have that little detail cleared up.

Closing my eyes I concentrated on an imaginary night sky with bright stars calling to me.

Insanity: {Betelgeuse} “Marco!”
Jester: {Stars} “Yo, Fernando! We’ve got something here for you!”


Elfish words flew out from my mouth as the pain dulled from my sides and I forgot of all the troubles around me.

MD: Uh-oh, she hit her Limit Break. Here comes a Meteor Shower, I reckon.

Then opening my eyes I stared at the Knight infront of me. My chanting rose in the air before it ended with a commanding yell. Slowly falling as bright starlight burnt him the Dark Knight cursed at me but I did not hear it.

Critic: So HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS CURSING AT YOU? You cannot write omniscient third-person from a limited first-person POV, author!

My brown eyes watched as the Knight took out its weapon and swung it at my head and with a scream of pain I hit the ground before everything went black.

Insanity: Even your green eyes?
Jester: Especially her green eyes. Her blue eyes, too.

Please tell me what you think; I'm kind of changing the plot along the way so sorry if it sucks. :P
-goddess1408

Critic: Can’t say as I’d noticed any plot derailments.
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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MD1618
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Seer of Visions
Nobody's POV

Disclaimer: ok…not even going to bother look at other chapters if you really want to know.

MD: Yeah, there are a lot of things you aren’t even bothering with. *rolls eyes*

Nobody's POV


Legolas watched her lie there; no movement had come from her for the last days.

Jester: {Legolas} “Ahh, blessed peace.”

Whenever he closed his eyes he remembered the sickening crunch

Insanity: I like Crunch bars.

and then the scream as she was hit by the Knight.

Jester: Followed by the roar of the crowd!
Others: *roar of approval*


His own scream had echoed alongside hers as Elrond came running towards her, then falling beside Siladhiel, horror in his eyes.

Jester: And action-adventure in his ears.

They had carried her into the large hall where all the others, that had been injured, were already being treated. Elrond had called for Arwen and together they worked on her, but the injuries had been severe. Her side was ripped open and blue and red slashes covered her body,

Insanity: Is that good?
Jester: Not if you actually want her to live.
Insanity: . . . Oh. Never mind. I thought they were dyeing her like a racing car.


along with the large wound on the back of her head. At one point they could not feel her breath and her skin had turned a pale yellow,

Jester: with delicate hints of umber, pink, and cornflower,

yet her breath had started again after many painful minutes of waiting.

Critic: Great. Brain damage. Now her grammar will be even worse than before.
MD: You know a character’s seriously evil when his actions can inflict direct pain on even the audience.


Dim sunlight danced over her face while Legolas watched her quietly, making no sound.

MD: Oh, wow, is that what “quietly” means?

Arwen was next to him,

MD: PERIOD

heavy bags were underneath her eyes,

Jester: She was going to leave for a flight to Atlanta in a few minutes.

the usually beautiful face pulled tight with worry and stress.

MD: Omit “were” from that sentence. Now it’s no longer a comma splice! See how easy revision can be?

Not being able to stay awake anymore his eyes slowly drifted shut, before he finally fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
"Legolas, wake," Arwen whispered quietly. Slowly opening his eyes Legolas realized that it was already late in the afternoon.

MD: {Legolas} “Oh no, I missed The Price Is Right! Why didn’t you wake me?!”

"What is it?" he rubbed his eyes but he started when a voice he hadn't heard for days speak.

Jester: {Legolas} “Morgan Freeman? Is that you?”

"I thought that I would wake before you," the soft and weak words made him smile in relief as he glanced down.

Critic: {Legolas} “Good. She’s not up to full health yet. She might still die.”

"Siladhiel," he said in awe as his hand found hers,

Jester: “You have a hand! That’s amazing!”

he gave it a small squeeze, "I thought you were dead."

Jester: {Silly} “I got better!”

"She was," Elrond said quietly from where he stood in the shadows.

Jester: {Elrond} “I made sure of it myself. I can’t understand how she’s alive now. I guess I should have done a proper job and just chopped off her head and stuck garlic in her mouth.”
MD: Are you accusing Siladhiel of being a vampire?
Jester: Oh, definitely.
MD: Just checking.


"I saw Haldir," Siladhiel looked at each of them, her eyes filled with more wisdom then before, "he turned me around, back to the forest and away from the sea," she whispered.

Jester: Stupid Haldir.

"Away from death and back to life," Elrond explained

Critic: for the audience

as he circled her bed.

Jester: Like a vulture.

"So close to death," Arwen spoke to herself, "yet you live."

Jester: {Arwen} *exasperated* “Why won’t you just die and stay dead?!”

"Let her rest," Elrond quickly said, "we shall speak later."

Three days later

Critic: . . . to be exact.


Siladhiel closed her eyes angrily at Elrond's words.

MD: You see, for once he was addressing her in the setting-appropriate Sindarin rather than a modern language like English, and since she didn’t actually know more than a few dozen words in any Elvish language, it was frustrating for both of them.

"You shall tell him everything, today," Elrond told her, "you can walk

Jester: rather than ride to the gallows afterward if you want some exercise.”
MD: Jester, you’re really overdoing the “death wish” shtick. Please tone it down.
Jester: Just you wait until you see what she tells Legolas. You’ll join me.
MD: And please don’t read ahead if you’re going to play coy like that. It’s genuinely annoying to others.


, we shall go to a private chamber and then you tell the truth. Any questions he asks you shall answer," his stern voice stayed with her as the day passed.

MD: I guess Rivendell turned into an echo chamber.

Siladhiel's POV


"I can not believe this!" Legolas angrily stood over the elf infront of him, "why did you not tell me that your parents are Lord Elrond and Lady Galadriel?"

Critic: What?
MD: *double-takes at the father’s name* WHAT?!?
Jester: Never mind left field, that came out of the bleachers of a different stadium. :lol:
Insanity: All that good-natured respect for the author, down the drain. :(


"I thought that you would act differently around me, that your respect would be because of duty and not…" Siladhiel trailed of as she helplessly tried to explain.

MD: “Helpless” is right.

"That I would not love you?" Legolas' eyes softened for a moment at his words but then hardened again.

MD: Sounds painful.

"One never knows," Siladhiel said softly, averting her eyes from him.

MD: “After all, it might make you despise me as being a poorly thought-out insult to the characters of two of the nobler people in Middle-earth, devised merely for the sake of cheap, clichéd angst.”

"You did not trust me, you lied about who your parents were,"

Critic: When did she say anything about who her parents were?
MD: No idea.


Legolas looked at her coldly, "yet still you have not told me much."
"What do you mean?"

Critic: Okay, so she casually mentioned that her parents have powers when the writer invented her little “I have healing magic!” thing. That’s all I can find.
MD: Oh, right. Well, Galadriel has that mind-speaking deal and the mirror, while Elrond has had the power to choose his destiny, the power of the Ring he wields, and the power of prophecy, so that wasn’t a lie.


"Where were you born, where have you lived?"

Jester: “What was your last place of employment?”
Critic: “Where and when did you receive your degree?”
MD: “What was your mother’s maiden na – no, wait, I guess I know that one.”


Siladhiel sat quietly, her hands folded in her lap, as he paced infront of her.

MD: {Legolas} “I must know all this inconsequential information if I am to write a biographical paper on you for school!”

"I was born in Lothlorien. Elrond and Galadriel loved each other before Elrond was married; he married Galadriel's eldest daughter right before I was born.

MD: Elrond was lovey-dovey with the mother and then married the daughter instead. Yes, that doesn’t come off as twisted or weird in the slightest.
Critic: Not to mention, if he married Celebrian a short time before Siladhiel was born . . . well, it counts as cheating even if you’re “merely” engaged to the other person at the time.
Insanity: Maybe it was a shotgun wedding and they got the wrong bride?
Jester: The alternate explanation *notices MD looking at him warningly* . . . well, let’s just say that it involves Elrond’s bachelor party, Galadriel, and a lot of booze and leave it at that.
Critic: . . . That would still count as cheating. And flat-out sick.
MD: It also wouldn’t surprise me if, canonically, Galadriel and Celeborn were married, or at least an item, before Elrond was even born. Come to think of it, if she already has Celebrian at marriageable age at the time Siladhiel is born . . . gahhhhhhh. *stamps FAIL in bright red ink on the fanfic* *pauses, then frenziedly stamps it a dozen times more, just to relieve his feelings*


Celeborn never met me but he was not happy about the fact that his wife had the child of another.

Critic: He’s not alone.
MD: *growls in agreement*


It was a deep disgrace, I was a disgrace.

MD: *coldly* Yes, you are.

It was made so none knew who my mother was, I went to Rivendell where Elrond and his wife took care of me through out my childhood," Siladhiel explained, still looking at the floor as if it mesmerized her, "many months before I found you I left Rivendell to pursue Aragorn and what I had always dreamed of, to find myself

Jester: a proper hottie who would love me back

," abruptly she stopped talking, waiting his response. After a pause he spoke.
"Yes, your birth was a disgrace, yet you tried to keep it from me when you are the daughter of the most powerful Elvin Lady and the King of Rivendell. I thought you loved me, but obviously not," Legolas turned his head so she could not see his pain.

Critic: GAH^5.

"But I do!" Siladhiel jumped up, her eyes pools of sadness,

Critic: Oh please.

"Legolas, avo ceri hé na ni," (don't do this to me).

Jester: Avocado hey nanny?
Insanity: A vociferous hen and I?


"If we can't trust each other then this can not be," Legolas ignored her pleas, "love and lies do not go together,"

Jester: Except in titles of fanfics, apparently.

"No…" Siladhiel whispered as Legolas left the room, his cloak flicking her in the face.

Critic: They’d have to be really close together for that to happen.
Insanity: There might be a strong draft when the door opened.


She collapsed back into her seat, staring at the chair Legolas had been sitting in, "why?" her voice echoed back to her as she sat frozen,

Jester: What, had she seriously never seen herself in a mirror before now?

no love for life did she have anymore.

Critic: O woe! O sadness! O the jarringly sudden poetic phrasing!

Legolas nodded goodbye to the elves of Rivendell alongside his father, his expression darker then usual,

Insanity: due to someone having taken a Sharpie to his face while he was asleep.
Jester: *whistles innocently*


he did not show his emotions. Feeling eyes on him

Critic: Yes, you doofus. They’re the eyes of the people you’re nodding goodbye to.

he searched the crowd before him until he noticed a hooded elf. An ink blue cloak covered the figure but he could see brown eyes watching him sadly.

MD: He ought to have been able to see more than that . . . unless it’s a mutant Jawa.

Siladhiel looked away from him, as she stepped back into the shadows. Pain ripped through his heart but then he remembered how she had hurt him, the lies.

Critic: Ah yes, those painful, terrible, cruel lies. Like the one about . . . um . . .
MD: Well, there was the time she said . . . uh . . . well . . .
Critic: Er . . .
MD: Oh, that one time!
Critic: Yeah! And the other time! Remember that?
MD: Oh, of course, how could I forget. And then that other time just after the thing happened, that was totally unforgivable.
Critic: Uh-huh.
MD: Yep.
Critic: Well, I’m glad we got that settled.


He could still here her pitiful pleas of forgiveness as he left her, never to look back.

MD: We should be so lucky.

Siladhiel's POV


Many weeks had passed since the elves of Lothlorien and Mirkwood had left, since he had left. Thoughts of him kept entering my mind, no matter how much I tried to forget him. His blue eyes, the frown he always wore, and how I had been able to lift the corners of his mouth into a smile.

MD: Do any of you remember that?
Jester: Nope!
Critic: Blue eyes, more often than necessary. Frown, no. Smile, maybe once.
Insanity: Is it dinnertime yet? I’m hungry.


Now nothing was as it had been, our lives had taken different paths and now we were just fellow elves, friends from before.

Jester: Enemies from after.
Insanity: Popsicles from the freezer.


Elrond and Arwen had both questioned me of him but I had never answered, just walking away until they gave up on me.

MD: We gave up on you at your parentage.
Jester: I admire your patience in waiting that long. :P


I was a numb shell of what I used to be,

Jester: Is that like a numb skull?

doing what was expected of me but no joy for life was left in my eyes.

Critic: I know this because I checked my eyes in the mirror every single morning. O woe is me!

It did not help that my father and Arwen had been arguing endlessly about Aragorn over the many weeks

Insanity: that followed the destruction of the mustard factory.

. I had backed up Arwen

MD: on the catcher’s throw to second base.

, knowing the love they had for each other. Finally Elrond had agreed

Jester: to try to kill me again. Hooray!

but the hurt of losing one of his daughters was almost too much to bear for him.

Jester: No hurt is too great if it rids the world of a Mary Sue.
Insanity: Not even the hurt of a paper cut?
Jester: Well, obviously you should be wearing protective equipment.


"Siladhiel? Tulo," (come) Arwen called me. Giving a quick shake of my head to bring me back from my thoughts

Jester: That’s a curious bartering system.
Insanity: I’d trade a Jester for a three-course meal right now.
Jester: That system, on the other hand, is short-sighted and misguided. :P


I looked at her with surprise.
"We are leaving, already?" I asked in english, surprised.

Critic: Elves speak to Elves in . . . get ready for this . . . Elvish.
Insanity: Just like Germans speak to Germans in German!


"Aragorn is being crowned in three days, if we want to be there for the ceremony we must hurry," Arwen explained, pride in her voice at the mention of Aragorn,

MD: Rivendell to Minas Tirith in less than three days? I guess she is taking a plane.

"Legolas shall be there," Arwen glanced at me to see my reaction but I kept my feelings to myself as we quickly walked to where our father and some elves of Rivendell were gathering

Insanity: vegetables from a garden

. When we entered the courtyard of Rivendell Elenath was already there, alongside all the other horses. I quickly sprang onto Elenath's back, following the rest of the elves that were leaving for Gondor, with my father, Elrond, leading us.

Insanity: To a nice pizza parlor for supper.
Jester: Hey, Insanity, are you hungry? Because I get the impression that you’re hungry.
Insanity: Actually, yes, I am.
MD: I don’t think we have much longer to go, but we can take a break if you really want.
Insanity: I’m fine. I’m just hungry.


As we traveled I was kept busy, I had offered to take care of the horses so that my thoughts would not wander back to

Jester: food. :P

Legolas every waking hour. My dreams were already haunted by him.

Jester: Hopefully he’ll appear to her just before a battle and predict her death. If it worked for Julius Caesar . . .

We had been traveling for two and a half days; the great open plain reminded me of when I had been racing to Rivendell alongside Legolas, which was when darkness choked me with evil.

Jester: {Siladhiel, narrating} “Remember that? That was kinda fun.”

I could not feel anymore darkness or evil around me though, and I had known before many that Aragorn and the others of Gondor had defeated Sauron, and that Frodo had destroyed the ring.

Critic: Of course you had. But thanks for not rubbing our noses in it.
MD: That’s a capital R Ring, by the way.


The hobbits and all the injured had been brought to Gondor to be healed, some of the elves of Rivendell had been sent to help heal them but I had asked Elrond myself that I wished to stay behind.

MD: *watches the sentence trip over itself and fall flat on its face*

Elrond would not allow me to stay behind for Aragorn's crowning though, so here I was, galloping alongside other elves of Rivendell to Gondor.

Jester: “I hate going to these big official events. I never know what to wear to them.”

Slowly we came up to the great white city and my breath caught in my throat though I willed it not to.

MD: I’m rather fond of breathing, you see.

Who would have thought that man could build this, the white palace stretched up alongside the mountain, sparkling like a jewel. As the elves of Rivendell gathered alongside others of our kind, in the back, the murmuring quieted and Aragorn walked forward. The crowning, much to my surprise, left me slightly out of breath, who would have thought that a simple crowning of a man could affect one so deeply. This was king of men, Aragorn, yet all I saw was a loyal friend ready to protect all weaker then him.

Critic: That was a nice paragraph, although it probably should have been divided into two paragraphs, with a transition added.
MD: I concur with the sentiment.
Insanity: It significantly lacks in food, though.


Hearing movement behind me I froze, knowing without looking who it was.

Insanity: Tony the Tiger?

His silvery white clothing making him shine,

Critic: Gandalf, then.

along with a silver band he wore across his forehead.

MD: Huh? What’s Aragorn doing back there?

He glanced at me, and a look of fear and then anger crossed his face

Jester: Ohhh, it’s Elrond.

as he quickly stepped back, so he vanished from my view. Biting my bottom lip I held back tears before slowly following the procession of elves that were going to congratulate the new king.

Insanity: Then I changed my mind and joined the procession heading for the refreshments table.

Aragorn said something to Legolas as they greeted each other, but no other words were spoken between the two friends.

MD: What was the point of the last part of that sentence?
Critic: Probably just a stock phrase added as an attempt to give some emotional weight of some sort to the situation.
MD: Well, I think it failed.


Legolas slowly moved to the side, to reveal Arwen, who stepped forward lightly and cautiously, her eyes not leaving her lovers face. A smile spread across my face, and on my fathers as well, as we watched Aragorn and Arwen kiss each other lovingly, their love unofficially sealed until death would come to sweep them away.

MD: What happened to the apostrophes?
Insanity: *burps*
Others: o_O


As I smiled I felt as if my face was dried clay, it hurt to smile. I had not stretched my lips except for to speak for such a long time

MD: (by Man’s standards; it was hardly the wink of an eye to an Elf)

I had forgotten how to laugh and smile, but who could not feel the love of Aragorn and Arwen?

Jester: *singing* Caaan’t you feeel the —
MD: No.


After the ceremony had finished Aragorn summoned me to his royal chamber,

MD: You mean the “kings room”? Oh, and you need a period there, for cryin’ out loud!

Arwen sat next to him, and I curtsied to both but Aragorn shook his head.
"Siladhiel, please," he stopped me, "Arwen is your half sister and you are one of my closest friends.

Critic: So close that I didn’t have the slightest idea who you were when we last met!

You do not have to bow, or curtsy, to us."
"Sorry," I whispered meekly as I stopped before continuing my way up to them.

All: *mull that sentence over a bit before moving on*

"I wanted to know what you were going to do now, are you going back to one of the Elvin Kingdoms, or staying here, or are you going to the undying lands?" Aragorn asked, worry in his eyes at the mention of me leaving.

Jester: He’s afraid that if she goes to Valinor, the Valar will blame him for not killing her when he had the chance.

"The only Elvin Kingdom I can live in is Rivendell," I told him calmly,

MD: “and that’s not even a kingdom!”

"yet I do not feel ready to go to the undying lands," I grimaced

Jester: at the thought of going anywhere, no matter how blissful and amazing otherwise, that lacked in hawt, blond Elf archers.
Critic: {Boromir} “Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”


and gripped my side as I walked across the long, carpeted hallway and Arwen looked at me with concern on her face.
"Are you alright?" she asked me as she sprung up and helped me sit

Jester: on a tack rich in tetanus.
MD: That should be “sprang up”.
Insanity: They’re both silly words.
MD: This much is true.


. I felt Aragorn's watchful eyes on me and I gave them both a forced smile.
"I will be Ok,

MD: She’s going to turn into a Trent?
Others: ? ? ?
MD: Oak, Treant, get it?
Others: . . .


it is just this pain in my side, all that horse-back riding to get here did not fair well for my wounds," I explained.

MD: Let us all take a moment to give thanks for the invention of shock absorbers.
All: *silent for a moment*
Insanity: Can we give thanks for bubble-wrap now?
MD: . . . Sure, why not.
All: *silent for a moment*


"Yes, I heard you had quite a run in with a Dark Knight, it is a miracle you survived," Aragorn's awe could not be hidden and I blushed at his praise.

MD: It’s not praise.
Critic: {Aragorn} “You should have been instant mincemeat against whatever that Nazgûl knock-off was supposed to be. And then to recover from those injuries . . . someone must really hate us.”


"Sometimes the pain is a heavy burden, yet it is gone the next day," I said, sitting up straight,

MD: as was befitting of a future Oak.

"now back to your question. I shall be staying in Rivendell, I think. I am the eldest child of Elrond, and Elrond is…" I trailed of sadly.
"What is it?" Aragorn's voice was soft with sympathy as he looked at Arwen and then me.
"Elrond is going to the undying lands, never to return. He is giving Rivendell to Siladhiel to become the Lady and Queen of," Arwen explained, a stray tear escaping from underneath her closed eyelid.

MD: *disgusted* Oh, please.
Critic: At least Arwen’s reaction is realistic.
Insanity: Sadness that her father is leaving forever?
Critic: That too.


"I have my duties there. My father wishes that I find a husband, so that he knows I am well taken care of," I smile spread across my face, "it shall take awhile for me to find someone who can handle me."

MD: Oh, I don’t know. Aside from your origin story, you aren’t that horrible . . . for a Mary Sue.

"What do you mean, what about Legolas?" Aragorn asked. Before they realized what I was doing

Critic: How do you know that? <_< Aragorn especially had to be very swiftly perceptive in order to survive as a Ranger.

I had quickly stood up and turned around to leave, as the question I had feared was asked.

Jester: “What job did you work at, anyway?”

I swiftly walked away, ignoring the sharp, stabbing pain near my ribs,

Insanity: *perks up at the mention of ribs*

but before I closed the large doors behind me I turned to look Aragorn straight in the eye.
"Exactly," I said grimly, "what about him."

Critic: *dramatic chord*

So, I was thinking that could be the end of the story and I'll let you make up a better ending in your mind 'cause this chapter sucked big time. Sorry about that. I can keep going if you want though, make the ending better (maybe happier?). Tell me please! I probably will keep writing…sorry if you don't like the story.

MD: And we’re sorry if you don’t like our good-natured ribbing.
Insanity: *perks up again*

-goddess1408


MD: And now, an Author’s Note:


Sooooooo…right now I'm not sure at all if I should make this fanfic a happy ending or a sad one

Sooooooo…right now I'm not sure at all if I should make this fanfic a happy ending or a sad one. Could you please tell me? If it's happy it will probably be a little or all cheesy…like most happy endings. If it's sad the ending, of course, won't be very happy but I don't think, at least hope, that it'll be too cheesy.

Jester: *announcer voice* Of course it won’t be cheesy, for nobody can be sad with cheese! This message brought to you by the American Dairy Council.

Please tell me through reviews! I need some help!

-goddess1408

MD: Well, it’s been several years since this was updated, so . . . what do you think?
Jester: I think we could put together a fitting ending for her. :evil:
Insanity: For the author?
Jester: Her too.
Insanity: Well, I’m going to get something to eat. *leaves*
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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MD1618
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Seer of Visions
A young man was sitting in a chair. This would not have been unusual except that the chair was positioned on the corner of a stage. The man was not happy about this. He would have preferred to have had at least a desk so that he wouldn’t feel so exposed, but this had been nixed on three counts. “First,” he had been told, “there won’t be an actual audience, so you aren’t being exposed to anyone. Second, it would be too much work to get a desk up there. Third, a desk would just be too Monty Python.”

Anyway, this young man rose to his feet and cleared his throat. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he declared, looking out over the empty seats, “welcome to our little play in one act, titled ‘What Happens To Siladhiel’. I realize it’s a stupid title, but don’t worry, the content will be even stupider.”

He sat back down. As the curtains opened, he announced, “The time, six days later. The place, Siladhiel’s room at Rivendell.”

The curtains revealed a set that would have been rejected for a kindergarten play. The background consisted of that brown paper you can buy in bulk, what is it? Butcher paper or something? On this paper, someone had tried using a black permanent marker to draw squares containing squiggles, but had given up after seven of them and simply written “This is a Tiled Wall” over and over again across the whole thing. There was also a large rectangle cut out, with “Window” and an arrow pointing to it. The furnishings of the room were not much better. There was a small wardrobe off to the left, near a door. Three chairs and a pillow made a bed at the far right.

On the edge of this bed sat a person. This person was wearing, among other things, a dark-green bathrobe tied with a white belt. He looked out over the empty seats, smiled, and waved.

“Hello!” he said in a squeaky voice. “I am Siladhiel, Queen of this kingdom and I am sad. My true love decided he was not for me and ran off and now I am so very lonely except for my run-on sentences, they keep me company and so does this very discourteous Narrator apparently and —”

There was a knock at the door.

“Gasp!” Siladhiel said. “I knock at the door. A wonder who it could be?”

The door opened and a man entered.

“If I may impose upon you, Siladhiel,” he said, standing in the left-hand corner that did not have a wardrobe in it, “we have much to discuss.”

Siladhiel jumped up and put a hand to her chest. “Oh!” she said dramatically, “Legolas, you are here and I am not dressed properly, what am I to do, she dashed to the wardrobe and began searching for a plain-yet-not-to-plane dress in a nice blue or green, are you here to break my heart or fill it overflowing with love, and can it wait until I get properly dressed?”

Legolas rolled his eyes as she ran over to the wardrobe and began to enthusiastically fling clothing out of it. He said, “I suggest the one with round sequins. Perhaps they will remind you of that useful punctuation mark sometimes referred to as the ‘full stop’.”

“Psst, you’re supposed to be an Elf, not a Vulcan,” Siladhiel whispered, pausing in her assault on the wardrobe. “And those are supposed to be gems!”

“I realize all that!” Legolas whispered back. “This is deliberate overcompensation for the poor mechanics in the story. Hopefully it will make me feel better.” Then, louder, “You misjudge my intentions, Siladhiel. Neither I nor those with me have come to speak of matters of the heart.”

On cue, another man strode into the room, stopping midway between Legolas and Siladhiel.

“Elrond!” Siladhiel cried. “My lord and king!”

“Do not call me ‘King’!” Elrond said.

Siladhiel looked puzzled. “What do you mean.”

I am not a king, and Rivendell is not a kingdom,” Elrond explained very slowly.

Siladhiel stomped her foot and declared, “I have lived in Rivendell for much of my life, Lord Elrond I think I know when I’m living in an elvin kingdom, she said to Elrond,”

“Grr! I am angry!” Elrond announced. Then he stomped out of the room, frowning fiercely.

“Lord Celeborn,” Legolas said, “I believe it is your turn.”

Elrond re-entered the room. This time, however, he was wearing a silly hat.

“Oh no,” Siladhiel said to the non-existent audience, “it is King Celeborn, the man (elf) who most dislikes my existence, she gazed bravely back at his disapproving, expression.” Then she turned back to face Celeborn, opened her eyes very wide, puckered her lips as though sucking a straw, stuck her chin out, and leaned into her stare.

“That is not the gaze we practiced,” the Narrator muttered.

“I am not a King either,” Celeborn told Siladhiel in a voice of only slightly different pitch from Elrond’s. “I am the Lord of Lothlorien, not the King. Those words are not necessarily interchangeable, do you understand?” He turned around and left the room.

Siladhiel looked confused. “O Legolas,” she crooned, “am I being made fun off for being a she-elf who fights in battles, for I have a nice rant I saved for such an occasion.”

“No, but your shoddy comprehension of the world around you is being mocked,” he replied.

Elrond entered the room again. Now he wore a Burger King crown. (Do they even have those anymore?)

Siladhiel took one look at him and said, “aha King Thanduil, I know you are a king, tell Legolas he should marry me and my comma splices.”

“Yes, I am a king. However, I have an ‘r’ in my name. Kindly remember it in the future.” With that, Thranduil exited stage right. (Or maybe stage left. It’s been a while since my acting class back in high school.)

“Sorry, King off Mirkwood I will do better in the future, when I say your name,” Siladhiel said contritely.

“Oh, and cut out the mockery of the mechanics. I told you not to do that, remember?” was the only reply.

“Milady Galadriel,” Legolas said, leaning through the doorway, “would you be so good as to join us?”

Galadriel entered. She was clearly not Elrond, being dressed in an entirely different robe and played by a different person. She also dragged a comically oversized club with her. One might have immediately assumed that it was intended for the female elf she now faced, but the neutral expression on her face seemed to suggest otherwise. She turned to the Narrator and complained, “I still don’t understand what my motivation is in this scene.”

“I’m the lamp that mugged you in Buenos Aires,” Silhadriel suggested in a startlingly masculine tone of voice.

“Ohhh, it makes sense now,” Galadriel said. Abruptly her expression became one of rage. “Get it through your head, she-elf,” she snarled at Siladhiel, “Elves mate for life! If I’d had sex with Elrond at any point in the past, I’d be married to him now! If you ever again so much as imply that you’re my daughter by Elrond, I shall beat you over the head many times with this large club I conveniently have with me!”

Siladhiel raised her eyebrows in genuine surprise at the ferocity. Then her sense of humor got the better of her and she remarked, again in a low-pitched voice, “This would be more convincing if we’d found a prop rather than the real thing, so you could actually lift it.”

Do not mock me, lamp!” Galadriel screamed. With the strength of the truly enraged, she somehow raised the club over her head and brought it down at Siladhiel, barely missing flattening her.

Her target backed away, whimpering.

“Let that be a lesson to you to stay in character,” the Narrator muttered.

Upon seeing that Galadriel now seemed to be content to glare at her, Siladhiel calmed down. She opened her mouth, then closed it, and then said “Line?”

“Galadriel exits . . .” the Narrator whispered.

Nothing happened for a few seconds. Then Galadriel started, looked around, and said “Sorry.” She then left the stage via the side that was not supposed to have a door.

The Narrator continued, “And now you say, ‘Legolas, why do you hate me so? I am . . .’”

Instantly Siladhiel was back in character. “Legolas, why do you hate me so much, she asked, Im not to blame for my parents choices and . . .” Suddenly the falsetto was gone again, and Siladhiel continued, throwing up her hands, “let’s face it people this whole ‘I can NEVER trust ANYONE who dares mislead me about ANYTHING’ schtick is just so RIDICULOUSLY trite and overused and childish that it would make even ME vomit if I were the vomiting sort and . . .”

Legolas whimpered, cringing and putting his hands over his ears. “Stop it! Stop the sentence now! Gah!”

“I’m sorry,” Siladhiel said, “even I can’t pretend to take this cliché seriously. It’s just . . . so . . . stupid!”

An Orc poked his head in. “But you’re doing so beautifully!” he said, adding, “Aside from mimicking the author’s mechanical mistakes so much, which I specifically told you not to do . . .”

“Oh, I was doing that for Editor’s vicarious enjoyment,” Siladhiel replied.

The Orc sighed and said, “You know, I actually half-believe you. But cut it out, okay? Now, let’s skip ahead to the end scene. My throat is already a little sore from all those lordly voices. I don’t think I’ll be able to play an orc complaining about being called an ogre.”

“Can I have a minute?” Siladhiel said. “I just realized there’s a hitch in my plan to kill Silly off.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, but I’ll work it into the dialogue.” Siladhiel stood motionless, lost in thought, then smiled and said, “Okay, ready!”

The Orc withdrew, leaving Legolas and Siladhiel alone together one last time.

“It is over between us, Siladhiel!” Legolas proclaimed in a less than dramatic manner.

“No! No!” Siladhiel cried, regaining her falsetto. Rushing over to Legolas, she clutched at his elbow. She turned her face up to his, mere inches away, and sobbed melodramatically, “Do not say that, Legolas! My life is forever drained of love and light and happiness if you do not care for me!”

Legolas tried to back away imperceptibly. “Then let it be so.” He glanced through the doorway and whispered, “Seriously, what kind of stilted dialogue is that?”

“Sorry,” came the hoarse reply from off-stage, “I got Calculon’s voice in my head when writing your lines and it just wouldn’t go away.”

Meanwhile Siladhiel was staggering away from Legolas, throwing an arm across her forehead. “Then life is no longer worth living! Goodbye, cruel world, I’m off to join the circus!” She began screaming and wailing even as she ran to the window and threw herself through it. A thump was heard almost immediately, but the cries continued for upwards of thirty seconds and through several pauses for breath.

Galadriel re-entered the room, her hands over her ears. “He certainly enjoys this part,” she commented.

The Orc came back in as well. “Too much so,” he agreed.

“WHUMP!” The shout came from the direction of the window. It was followed by a falsetto “I have hit the ground and I am dead! Remember me kindly, Legolas, and rue the day you spurned my love so callously!”

“Why are you still talking if you are dead?” Legolas asked sourly.

There was a gasp. “What is this? O joy of joys, I have landed in the compost pile! I am smelly yet somewhat alive! Let me get off of this, and soon I will be free to spread my disregard for sentence structure, Elvish sexuality, and politics across the land once more!” A little rustling was heard. Then there was an over-the-top shriek. “Oh no! I have rolled onto the prongs of a rake! I am dying for reals this time!”

The Orc frowned. “He’s enjoying this far too much.”

The Narrator turned to the “audience” and said, rapidly, “The orc scene established that her ‘healing power’ was just a hallucination brought on by intense pain. Later occurrences were just people humoring her delusion.”

“If only I had my healing power!” came a wail from the window. “But alas, I discovered during my unseen encounter with the ogre that that was just a hallucination brought on by intense pain, and later occurrences were just others humoring my delusion!”

“Yes, thank you, I told them that.”

“Fine, be that way. Ahem. I die!” A series of gagging noises, each less likely than the last, followed. Then came one last screech: “I am dead!”

Silence.

Finally Legolas walked over to the window, being careful to stay out of arm’s reach in case Siladhiel wanted to get up and try one last confrontation. “Alas. She is dead,” he said in a monotone. “Siladhiel, I shall never forget you. Whenever a particularly obnoxious Mary Sue comes into my life, I shall think of you. I shall say to myself, ‘If I could not stand to marry Siladhiel, there is certainly no way I am going to touch this freak.’ I will then either kill her or run very fast in an appropriate direction.”

“The End!” the Narrator declared.
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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MD1618
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Seer of Visions
Epilogue

(OOC: I do have permission to use a certain idea.)


“I feel bad about how that skit turned out,” MD1618 said to Critic the next day.

Critic responded, “It’s not your fault. We’d all forgotten about Jester deciding there was a compost pile under her window.”

“It’s not just that. Jester was mimicking the faults in the author’s style of writing, and that wasn’t the point of the exercise. I deliberately avoided putting any of that in the dialogue because it didn’t feel appropriate.”

Critic nodded in understanding.

MD sat there in silence a few seconds longer. Then he announced, “I think I want to give her a nice ending, too.”

“Um, okay. Want me to get the others together?” Critic asked, getting up from his armchair.

“No, that’s fine.” MD waved him back down. “We won’t act it out. After all, how many could we count on to play along? You, me, Math, maybe Insanity but he may still be on his little kick . . .”

Critic acknowledged this possibility. Insanity, unable or unwilling to let go of his “motivation” from the play, had spent most of dinnertime yelling angrily at the food on his plate.

“I just want us to hash out a pleasant ending for Siladhiel. Despite her faults, she wasn’t a full-blown Mary Sue and she was capable of not being thoroughly irritating. I think she deserves better than to literally die atop a compost heap. Let’s average it out a little, you know?”

“You go for it,” Critic said.

MD leaned back on the sofa and thought for a while. Critic returned his attention to the daily crossword. Finally, MD said, “Okay. Point one: Falling out with Legolas. Legolas behaved like an actor in an After-School Special there. For the sake of his character, that needs to be rectified. So he goes back to her and apologizes, saying he overreacted because he was suffering heartburn due to having eaten some really spicy lembas.”

“Heh.”

“So they’re friends again, but they don’t marry. Not real close friends, just friends.”

“Their relationship was never properly developed beyond ‘friends’ anyway.”

MD nodded and continued. “Point two: Her ancestry. Easy. Elrond drops by before leaving for Elvenhome and tells her that that had been just a little joke and he hadn’t realized she would take it so seriously. Or maybe he had been speaking metaphorically and hadn’t realized she would take him literally. Either way is stupid, but it works for our purposes. She was actually orphaned when very young and brought up by Galadriel and, later, Elrond.”

“But she has to have something shameful in her past. Elrond wanted her to confess something to Legolas. What are you going to do about that?” Critic asked.

MD waved his hands dismissively. “She led an early boyfriend on before panicking and dumping him. She accidentally shot an Elf while on guard duty. Plenty of possibilities.”

“Okay, so that isn’t important. What’s the pleasant ending, then?”

“Well, she keeps Legolas as a friend, for starters. She also tones down the ‘You’re all so mean to me’ rhetoric once she realizes that Elves aren’t as sexist as she seems to think. That done, she enjoys her time at Rivendell, keeping it open as the Last Homely Home for Elves and Elf-friends. She does NOT declare herself Queen. She meets a nice Elf who isn’t Legolas, they fall in love and marry, maybe there’s even a child or two, I don’t care. Eventually they pass peacefully over the Sea with the rest of the Elves. The end.”

A distant shriek was heard. “Jester, I told you, quit picking on Editor!” MD yelled.

“Actually, I think you caused that,” Critic said. “That was a serious comma splice you came up with just now.”

MD looked embarrassed. “Whoops. Sorry, you two!” he shouted. “It was intended as more of a list . . .” he muttered.

Critic ignored this comment. “Not going to do anything about her healing power?” he asked.

MD shrugged. “I don’t know about you, but it wasn’t the power that annoyed me so much as it was the way it was introduced into the story,” he said. “It hardly even affected the plot, aside from allowing the author to injure her six ways from Sunday. I’m willing to let it slide.”

Critic rolled his eyes but said, “Suit yourself.”

They sat there for a moment longer. Then Critic suggested, “Maybe her husband should be a baker.”

MD chuckled. “Good idea. I’m not sure he’d appreciate her using his loaves to staunch every little cut that someone suffers, though.”



Jester entered the room, carrying . . . something. MD and Critic looked at it curiously.

“What do you have there?” Critic asked, as Math also stepped into the room.

“It’s called a Plagiarism Alarm!” Jester said, grinning broadly. “It’s triggered whenever it detects plagiarism.”

“Shouldn’t it be going off constantly while it’s in your hands, then?” MD remarked caustically, a sour look on his face. He disliked loud noises, detested shrillness, and fervently avoided abrupt changes in his environment. He suspected strongly that this alarm was going to violate all three principles. Warily, he moved his hands close to his ears.

“Oh, come on. Short, easily recognized quotations, properly marked, don’t count as plagiarism!” Jester said airily as he set the alarm down on a table. “That doesn’t violate the spirit of ‘Don’t steal others’ stuff.’”

“What do we need it for, then?” Critic asked, letting that philosophy slide for the moment. “Several of us are pretty good at detecting a reference even when we aren’t sure where it’s from, you included. Anyway, considering the tastes of the average Suethor, do we really want to know where they rip their ideas and lyrics off from?”

“He probably got hold of it because he knows it’ll get a rise out of me,” MD said, still glaring at Jester’s new toy and trying to figure out what, exactly, it reminded him of.

“You and Paranoia,” Jester agreed, still grinning. “Can you imagine the look on his face the first time this goes off? And the second? And the third? And every single time afterwards?”

Critic and MD both rolled their eyes.

“Furthermore,” Jester said, “I did not ‘get hold’ of this. I made it myself.”

“Wasn’t there a Plagiarism Alarm™ in one of Jedi Master Luthien’s MSTs?” Critic asked suddenly.

“Oh, is that where he got this thing from?” MD asked.

“No!” Jester saw their expressions and added, “Well, yes. But only the idea, name, and physical construction. The actual appearance is my own creation.” He smiled proudly. “I altered the pitch, too. Looks neat, huh?”

“You did notice the trademark symbol in the original’s name, yes?” Critic said. He refrained from commenting on the color scheme. Purple and yellow are hard to pull off if you aren’t the L.A. Lakers.

“Yes. So?” Jester said.

“Jester . . .” MD said, dreading the answer, “. . . did you get permission to use this concept?”

Jester acted puzzled. “Permission? From whom?”

“From Luthi!” MD retorted, out of patience.

“Well, er, not exactly, no. Why?” Jester’s face had a look of perfect innocence. (Too perfect.)

MD sighed. “Nobody say anything and maybe it won’t—”

“Do you not realize that you’ve plagiarized this idea? You did notice the trademark symbol in the name, did you not? That means you definitely, absolutely need to get permission to use the concept, and then you must give proper credit, bumblebrain!” Critic scolded Jester.

MD’s eyes went big, his hands went over his ears, and he hurdled over the sofa in a very awkward, undignified manner, landing with a thud and a yelp.

There was a second of silence, only broken by Critic’s soft “Oh . . .” and facepalm.

Then the Plagiarism Alarm went off.

It went off abruptly. It went off shrilly. And it went off with enough volume to be heard over a whole front row of screaming fangirls at a Justin Bieber concert.

“TURN IT OFF!!! NOW!!!” MD screamed.

“WHAT?” Jester shouted.

“TURN! IT! OFF!!”

“DON’T YOU LIKE IT?” Jester said. He’d been trying to look contrite, but he had failed to suppress the hint of a smirk. Now he gladly put on a guileless smile as being closer to his actual frame of mind.

“TURN IT OFF, YOU IDIOT!” Critic bellowed. He had retreated behind the couch as well. Even Math (who didn’t react to much that didn’t directly involve math, science, or computer programming) was crouched behind the corner of the couch, one hand over an ear, while he pointed a device of some sort at the Alarm.

“I’M SURE IT’LL TURN OFF SOON.” Jester wasn’t trying very hard to be heard above the alarm’s noise, but his actual words didn’t matter much to the others. All they cared was that the sound hadn’t stopped.

“IT’S NOT GOING TO TURN OFF, IDIOT!” Critic yelled, having guessed the gist of Jester’s response. “ITS VERY EXISTENCE IS PLAGIARISM! TURN. IT. OFFFFFFF!”

MD had long since passed his breaking point. “JESTER! IF THAT THING ISN’T SILENT IN FIVE SECONDS, I SWEAR I WILL SIC VIOLENCE ON YOU! ONE! T—”

Quiet returned.

“—WO! THREE!”

“You can stop counting, MD. It’s stopped now.” Critic peered over the top of the couch.

Jester was standing in the same place as before, hand dropping back by his side, the look of perfect innocence back on his face. “So, what do you think?” he asked.

Math pressed a button on his device and looked at its screen. “That reached 103.3 decibels,” he observed. “I think that can cause damage if it persists long enough.”

“Such a shame about what happened to that station. It used to be good,” Jester commented flippantly. Then he saw MD’s face as the latter came towards him, and froze up.

MD hardly looked angry at all. He had the intense but otherwise blank expression that meant that he was on the verge of taking seriously decisive action. Action of the sort that would probably lead to someone, somewhere, being very unhappy. Jester knew who that someone was likely to be in this case. He also knew that the longer MD mulled it over before acting, the more unpleasant the repercussions were likely to be.

MD stared at the Alarm for fully three minutes. Jester flinched whenever the gaze moved upward momentarily to rest on his face.

“Well,” MD said conversationally, breaking the silence, “it looks like you may get your wish, Jester.”

“What’s that?” Jester asked nervously.

“You’ve been disappointed about our lack of anime references, right?” MD said in the same tone as before. It was the friendly tone that villains use with their henchmen just before suddenly executing them for their involvement in treasonous activities.

“Er, well, yes?” Jester backed away a step. “It’s such a big field to play with, you know.”

“And I’ve been saying that we really don’t know much about anime that’s usable aside from the smiley faces and a few clichés,” MD went on. “However, I think it’s time to introduce one of those clichés.”

He gently picked the alarm up and set it carefully on the floor. He then reached back, underneath the sofa, and pulled out a large mallet.

One hundred and twenty frenzied, vengeful seconds later, the Plagiarism Alarm was a pile of dust.

“You get to clean it up, Jester,” MD said, casually tossing the mallet back onto the sofa, where it disappeared the moment nobody was looking at it. “Don’t leave a single speck in the carpet. As for the new Malletspace,” he continued as he left the room, “only Critic and I get to use it.”

“No fair!” Jester said, more because it was expected of him than because he wanted to argue the point with MD.

MD paused on the threshold. “Oh, one more thing, Jester,” he said. “If you ever cause there to be a source of loud, annoying noises in this building again? The mallet will be used on you next time. Repeatedly, if necessary.”

“No loud, annoying noises, eh?” Jester asked. “So I guess that rules out—”

“You also aren’t allowed to make any snarky comments for the next five minutes,” MD interrupted. “Consider it a time-out.”

“No fair!” Jester repeated, once he thought MD was out of earshot. “No snarking? Why not just kill me and be done with it?”

“Oh, shut up,” Critic said. He followed MD, Math trailing behind.

“You know what the problem with this place is?” Jester said to the empty room. “No sense of humor, that’s what.”
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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