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Neen Airehb: The MST: The Review; Strawberry shortcake
Topic Started: May 26 2011, 03:56 PM (362 Views)
MD1618
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Read this MST here.
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.

Why, its the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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jules14
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(Wo)man on a Mission
Quote:
 
Critic: Awww, the poor little girl. She didnt even get a big piece of needlework to work on, did you notice? I bet she wears rags and eats crumbs for dinner, too.


That's too good a bet, Critic; you'll lose. <_<

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Jester: SIR! Your teddy bear that mysteriously went missing last week, SIR!


Nice! :D

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Critic: *dramatic chord*


:rofl:

So...the father is beating the Sue because...he really wanted to know what was behind the salt pork? Or because she tried to help him find it and he just didn't value her advice? Y'know, Suethor, if you want your Sue to have an abusive relative, you could at least give that relative SOME reason to abuse her.

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Jester: Growr?


:rofl: Stupid name FTW, Suethor!

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MD: Ahh, benevolent capitalism in Middle-earth. Whodathunkit?


So is the villain in this fic an EBUL communist? Did Terry Goodkind write it?

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MD: Oh, hes just keeping them up late at night with his X-Files marathons.


That'd be awesome!

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MD: Same ol, same ol. Nothing to get excited about.


So benevolent capitalism exists in Middle-earth but not any system of justice? Okay...

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Legolas and Aragorn rode next to each other as the company traveled East toward Rivendell.


Uh...Legolas and Aragorn didn't travel to Rivendell together for the Council. And Aragorn stayed in Gondor after the Quest. Has this Suethor even seen the movies?

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mehl-on


It's MELLON, Suethor.

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His smile grew tender, hed missed her so muchthe time spent away during this quest had nearly broken his spirit. No amount of personal glory was worth sacrificing time with Arwen.


Um...why isn't Arwen in Gondor with him?

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He knew that his kingdom was in good hands with Gimli and the others to handle things until his return, and he intended to make up for that lost time with his spouse.


Hello, Suethor? WHY ISN'T ARWEN IN GONDOR WITH HIM? And for that matter, why hasn't Elrond left for the Grey Havens yet?

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Shivering, the elven prince glanced at the sky nervously, and urged Loog Nahr (Dragon Fire), his faithful steed


*scratches head* I don't know what language that's supposed to be, but it's not Elvish.

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Critic: I cant see Legolas riding a horse with Dragon in its name.


Neither can I, since dragons are completely evil in Tolkien's works.

It's a good MST so far. I'm surprised you didn't point out all the plot holes, though.
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MD1618
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jules14,Jun 8 2011
09:25 PM

Quote:
 
Jester: SIR! Your teddy bear that mysteriously went missing last week, SIR!


Nice! :D

Thanks! :D

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So...the father is beating the Sue because...he really wanted to know what was behind the salt pork?  Or because she tried to help him find it and he just didn't value her advice?  Y'know, Suethor, if you want your Sue to have an abusive relative, you could at least give that relative SOME reason to abuse her.

I presume it's because she's a mind-reader (he never said out loud what he was looking for, remember), and therefore a monster to be feared, yelled at, and slapped if you're a medieval peasant. (LotR doesn't occur in the Middle Ages, of course, but the village and girl give me a Middle Ages vibe.)

Come to think of it, though, she never shows any signs of telepathy in the rest of the story. So this is really just a one-off bit designed to make you feel oh-so-sorry for the mistreated, misunderstood poor widdle girl.

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Legolas and Aragorn rode next to each other as the company traveled East toward Rivendell.


Uh...Legolas and Aragorn didn't travel to Rivendell together for the Council. And Aragorn stayed in Gondor after the Quest. Has this Suethor even seen the movies?

Your confusion is understandable. This actually appears to be set after the Quest to destroy the Ring, with King Elessar (as Legolas names him so graciously :rolleyes: in the next bit) returning home in company of . . . someone . . . after achieving some quest in some distant land. The nature of the quest is never explained in the story, but it's not beyond reason (to me) for a king to travel with his army to defend his land's borders.

Maybe Aragorn wanted to take the opportunity, now that he had a whole army with him, to wipe out the wolves of the north once and for all, so that they would never bother the Shire again. Maybe there was a large concentration of Orcs somewhere that needed wiping out. Or maybe the author just wanted a reason for him to visit this village. ;)

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Hello, Suethor?  WHY ISN'T ARWEN IN GONDOR WITH HIM?  And for that matter, why hasn't Elrond left for the Grey Havens yet?

Well, presumably Aragorn is heading back to Gondor . . . oh. You're right, he's heading to Rivendell. Good point. :unsure: Maybe Elrond has left, but Rivendell is an easy landmark when Aragorn's returning from north of the Shire? (Not the north of the Shire, since Aragorn stayed out of the land while he was king, but he could have skirted the region.)

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It's a good MST so far.  I'm surprised you didn't point out all the plot holes, though.

Thanks. :)

As you see above, I tend to be lenient about open-ended plot holes, where I can't prove to my satisfaction that a contradiction exists. Sometimes I just express confusion, sometimes I prefer to wait in silence and see if the author puts his or her foot firmly into his or her own mouth. :evil:

That said, there are a couple of clear-cut plot holes in the next section I'll post.
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.

Why, its the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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MD1618
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MD1618,Jun 9 2011
06:09 PM
Quote:
 
Hello, Suethor?  WHY ISN'T ARWEN IN GONDOR WITH HIM?  And for that matter, why hasn't Elrond left for the Grey Havens yet?

Well, presumably Aragorn is heading back to Gondor . . . oh. You're right, he's heading to Rivendell. Good point. :unsure: Maybe Elrond has left, but Rivendell is an easy landmark when Aragorn's returning from north of the Shire? (Not the north of the Shire, since Aragorn stayed out of the land while he was king, but he could have skirted the region.)

Upon further review, the author has Elrond and Arwen still in Rivendell. Arwen's presence might be justified by her wishing to oversee the loading of the library into the U-Haul rented wagons for transport to Gondor, but I think you're right that Elrond should be long gone by now.
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.

Why, its the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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jules14
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Sorry for the delay. I'm going to review your updates now.

Quote:
 
As you see above, I tend to be lenient about open-ended plot holes, where I can't prove to my satisfaction that a contradiction exists. Sometimes I just express confusion, sometimes I prefer to wait in silence and see if the author puts his or her foot firmly into his or her own mouth


That's all right. Anyway, I like that you're not making all your jokes similar. An MST gets boring if all the sporkers comment on are either grammar mistakes or plot holes.

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Upon further review, the author has Elrond and Arwen still in Rivendell. Arwen's presence might be justified by her wishing to oversee the loading of the library into the U-Haul rented wagons for transport to Gondor, but I think you're right that Elrond should be long gone by now.


:O_O: That's...nuts. Did this Suethor read or even see Return of the King? :O_O:

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Insanity: So Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar, and the bartender says, Whatll you have? And Legolas says, Ill have a Bloody Mary-Sue.


I wouldn't drink a Bloody Mary-Sue if I were you, Legolas. They taste sickeningly-sweet, like a mixture of strawberries and cake icing and glitter. ;)

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Critic: How does one distinguish ornate chain mail from the other kind?
Insanity: Frilly collars.


:rofl: Awesome! I just pictured a bunch of warriors at a fancy-dress ball wearing frilly chain mail.

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Critic: Note to authors: If you feel the need to apologize as awkwardly as this to the audience for your characters actions, you are doing something wrong.


No kidding. Besides, how desperate do times have to be before strangers start bursting into people's houses uninvited?

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she clutched at her head and began to rock back and forth as though to keep something in that would burst out at any moment.


Ooh, is it an alien? That would be so cool! :P

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Critic: *facepalm* Did Legolas just needlessly address a human girl in an Elvish tongue?
Jester: Sure looks like it!


What an idiot. Legolas, I mean, not your sporkers.

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. Unable to bear the sight of her hurting herself, Legolas hunkered down in front of the girl and softly began to sing a soothing elven lullaby.


*headdesk* Why does Legolas always sing lullabies in Elvish to girls he doesn't even know? It's as cliched as the Mary Sue herself by now. Anyway, isn't that rather patronizing? You sing lullabies to babies. So...do these Suethors think it's romantic for Legolas to treat grown women and teenage girls like babies? Would they think it was romantic if Legolas spoon-fed them and changed their diapers?

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Jester: I just wanna be able to rail against the evil forces that are torturing us with fanfiction! We dont have any! Other people have malevolent Maia, or wicked wizards, or random rocks . . . Id even take something ridiculous, like cheesed-off mice. Why dont we get to have evil forces?


You guys are the unluckiest sporkers I have ever met. *hugs* My sympathies.

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All: *headdesk*
Critic: Why, its the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!


Either that or Legolas was actually having a nightmare about falling in love with the Sue.

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He continued to coo to her in Sandarin


Oh, no, Legolas is cooing! It's Phantom's Ange all over again! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

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Insanity: performed a five-man version of One Singular Sensation, thereby persuading the sky to transmute into asparagus which then sought out a nuclear submarine for the purpose of surrendering to it. Then he


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Insanity: This caused the sky-asparagus to mutate into a very tiny clone of Walter Winchell, which body-slammed Treebeard and accidentally caused him to get into a bar fight with Optimus Prime.
Jester: There were no survivors.


Holy shit, that sounds awesome! Why can't we read a fic about sky-asparagus, Walter Winchell clones, Aragorn singing "One Singular Sensation," and Treebeard fighting Optimus Prime, instead of this crappy old Suefic? Insanity, you need to write that fic down.

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Insanity: Before that, Id grown up on Neptune and spent a few years in an apprenticeship on Mercury.


:rofl: If only. Then this fic might actually be interesting!

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MD: Wow, good thing Legolas has those centuries of experience. I know it would never have occurred to me to get a fire going on such a cold, gusty night. Probably it would never have occurred to an eighty-year-old Ranger, or to the girl whos had to spend numerous winter nights in this very cabin, either.


Have you seen the Lord of the Rings movies, MD? Legolas is always Captain Obvious. :D

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Insanity: Son of a mud-burrowing cheese biscuit!


:blink: Does Insanity use that exclamation often?

Great job, MD1618!
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MD1618
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jules14,Jun 18 2011
06:00 PM
Anyway, I like that you're not making all your jokes similar.  An MST gets boring if all the sporkers comment on are either grammar mistakes or plot holes.

That's something I'm sensitive to. I could make myself giggle by repeating the same response over and over again (I'm easily amused at times), but it wouldn't be funny to anyone else. So I make sure I mix things up. :)

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she clutched at her head and began to rock back and forth as though to keep something in that would burst out at any moment.


Ooh, is it an alien? That would be so cool! :P

Cool, and therefore incapable of happening in this fic.

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So...do these Suethors think it's romantic for Legolas to treat grown women and teenage girls like babies?  Would they think it was romantic if Legolas spoon-fed them and changed their diapers?

This is pretty much my line of thinking whenever a singer refers to someone as "babe" or "baby". :rolleyes:

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Jester: I just wanna be able to rail against the evil forces that are torturing us with fanfiction! We dont have any! Other people have malevolent Maia, or wicked wizards, or random rocks . . . Id even take something ridiculous, like cheesed-off mice. Why dont we get to have evil forces?


You guys are the unluckiest sporkers I have ever met. *hugs* My sympathies.

Don't feel too bad for them. ;) The lack of an evil overseer means they have the ability (sometimes) to leave the room when things get really bad.

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Insanity: performed a five-man version of One Singular Sensation, thereby persuading the sky to transmute into asparagus which then sought out a nuclear submarine for the purpose of surrendering to it. Then he


Quote:
 
Insanity: This caused the sky-asparagus to mutate into a very tiny clone of Walter Winchell, which body-slammed Treebeard and accidentally caused him to get into a bar fight with Optimus Prime.
Jester: There were no survivors.


Holy shit, that sounds awesome! Why can't we read a fic about sky-asparagus, Walter Winchell clones, Aragorn singing "One Singular Sensation," and Treebeard fighting Optimus Prime, instead of this crappy old Suefic? Insanity, you need to write that fic down.

I think he'd lose his train of thought after a few sentences. Feel free to give it a shot yourself, though.


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MD: Wow, good thing Legolas has those centuries of experience. I know it would never have occurred to me to get a fire going on such a cold, gusty night. Probably it would never have occurred to an eighty-year-old Ranger, or to the girl whos had to spend numerous winter nights in this very cabin, either.


Have you seen the Lord of the Rings movies, MD? Legolas is always Captain Obvious. :D

If only the author had meant it as a simple statement of the obvious, rather than as an illustration of the deep wisdom of her lust object.

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Insanity: Son of a mud-burrowing cheese biscuit!


:blink: Does Insanity use that exclamation often?

If he doesn't, he should.

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Great job, MD1618!

Thanks! :) I appreciate all your comments as well.
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.

Why, its the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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Amarth
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Quote:
 
Neen Airehb

I looked in my Tolkien Sindarin dictionary, in much-abused Grey Company dictionary, tried with alterations of spelling and vocals, and I still can't figure out where the words came from.

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Unless I forget to take my medication.

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For those of you that like the stories that take place in sequence, and in context with Tolkien...please read no further.

Well, at least she's honest.

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(My lonely maiden wife)

Oh, THAT's what it's supposed to mean. I guess she was trying to write "Nin ereb gwenn herwess" phonetically. Whatever purpose would that serve. I mean, since you already bothered looking up translation, why not write it as it is spelled properly? Or at least write CORRECT pronunciation.

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Too late, she realized that the question shed heard him ask wasnt spoken aloud.

Oh, great. It's poor-abused-because-of-her-speshul-powers Sue. It's been I while since I read one of those.

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Evil bitch! Monstrous beast! She-devil

Smart man. He knows Sue when he sees one.

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The wealthiest merchant in the village was a wise and generous man.

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He invested in and supported many in the town.

Not bloody likely. He wouldn't have been the wealtiest merchant, if he were like that. Maybe he gave some money to charity to calm his conscience, and supported a project he could profit from later, but he couldn't have been altruistic as she tries to portray him.

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While he was a fair man, he also was a shrewd one, and it didnt serve to get on his bad side.

And already she contradicts herself.

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Not a sound was heard for a full week, and then the merchant appeared, as he had been before the woman and her daughter had joined his household. Of them, not a single hair was found.

Ah, the joys of bachelorhood.

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The merchant grew fat and happy once again, and in time, courted a new ladymarried and had more children. No one dared question the whereabouts of the previous Mrs. To all extents and purposes, the past was best left forgotten.

I love small-community way of thinking. One can really get away with murder there, as long as one doesn't disturb the neighbours.

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mehl-on

And attempts at phonetic Sindarin continue. Try writing it in Tengwar, Suethor.

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Shivering, the elven prince glanced at the sky nervously, and urged Loog Nahr (Dragon Fire), his faithful steed

Amlug Naur. And let's not get into the impropriety of an Elven prince naming his horse after the servant of Enemy. He might have as well called it Balrog's whip.

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Having had this happen before, and knowing that no good came out of such happenings, she did what all skittish forest creatures doshe froze.

No, they run. That's why they call them skittish. Or, if backed in corner, attack ferociously. Therefore, animals are more intelligent than Sue.

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she watched as a warrior with an angels countenance, gloriously long golden hair and ornate chain metal armor strode with purpose through her little cottage,

Not even Bloom had hair that long. Let's also point out that it would have been braided, lest it tangles in branches, and The Professor himself said Legolas (and the rest of his people) preferred light armor and clothing in green, brown and grey tones, in order to blend with their surroundings. Alas, the age of golden-haired Elven lords in ornate armor ended with fall of Beleriand, and PJ robbed us of a glimpse of last remnants of this species-in-extinction in Arda with infamous Arwen switch.

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He turned a compassionate chocolate gaze on the young lass with the tangled red-gold curls and ragged clothes.

And I'm pretty sure it would have been grey.

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She felt an insane urge to giggle. Her nameshe was dreaming thats what it was. All this was just a crazy dream.

Since author is on medication, it's only appropriate that her avatar is, too.

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he asked, Too-ee-linn (little sparrow), what is wrong?

Tuilinn (swallow)

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Loreena McKennit

I'm not surprised.

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I know herIve dreamed of her. What magic is this?

The magick of true wuv.

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Mana naroeg? (what is wrong) he asked with evident concern for his companion.

Mani naa raeg. And half of it is Grey Company Elvish.

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Im isthen hendu (I know her eyes) Legolas said shakily, reaching an unsteady hand out to touch her soft cheek in wonderment.

Im ista he hen.

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You are safe with me, this I vow, lissuin nin. (my sweet flower)

Lend loth nin.

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He continued to coo to her in Sandarin

Ahh. That explains it. I was looking for correct SINDARIN, and they have been talking SANDARIN all the time. My mistake.

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Insanity: *returns* Mana naroeg can be anagrammed to form Near a mango or One anagram!

To rule them all.

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You dont remember? an awful idea began to form in his mindhe looked at her, really looked at her. She was a comely lass,

Oh great. Please tell me it's not another rapist!Legolas fic.

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I was four years on this earth, sire, when I was brought here to live.

She remembers how old she was, and not an inkling of her name?

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Legolas was scandalized at what little she actually had and made a promise to himself to hunt at first daylight to put back what they ate.

Little? She lives in the middle of forest, with everyone avoiding her, and she has WINE? And actual store, however meager? She would have had berries, or nuts, or dired meat, if she ever managed to figure out how to do that. Heck, she was dropped off in forest at four, with little to no human contact. It's a miracle she can even speak.

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The dark haired elleth (female elf)

Praise Eru. She actually got one right.

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Alass sighed heavily and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she shuffled along. Lost in her thoughts, she failed to notice the tree root growing at an awkward angle and her right foot connected with it, sending her sprawling across the forest floor. Giving up, she lay quietly and allowed the melancholia to wash over her. Why could she do nothing right in his eyes? For so long she had admirednay loved Haldir, since the night he had rescued her from the Orcs.

Oh great. It's Bella-Swan-comes-to-Middle-Earth.

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Where she had been born, where shed come from, she couldnt remember. She only knew that for some time she had been a slave to the Orc leader, and that he hadusedher for entertainment purposes.

If she was a real Elf, she would have faded long before. Since she is an incarnation of one of most abominable Sues in fiction, she has no shame, and is going to use her every "flaw" for her own gain.

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Stumbling, she fell against his chest, her chestnut brown hair tickling his nose

Okay, Suethor. Repeat after me: AMONG ELVES, ONLY THE LINE OF MAHTAN HAD BROWN HAIR. AND IT WAS REDDISH-BROWN. NO CLUMSY WEAKLING CAN BE DESCENDANT OF THAT LINE.
I realize that you tried to make your character closer to the reader (and yourself) to identify with, but you should have picked a human then. Human with Elven blood, even.

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She was frying up the last of the pork sausage and frantically wondering what she would exist on until the man would come again with the meager stores hed allotted to her to live on.

Ahh...that's how she's got "stores". Though I still wonder why would he give her wine.

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MD: Thats a dangerous name to give an OC. Fanor might think you were trying to mock him.

Let's hope he does.

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She simply shook her head. The child would fade, Haldir.

Nah. If she didn't fade after being gang-raped by Orcs multiple times, she wouldn't fade from that.

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elleth sat chained and naked in a bedchamber that smelled of putrid bodily fluids and sex.

And how would you know the smell of sex, Haldir dear? Has someone been breaking Laws and Customs, hmm?

Sorry, I got carried away. It's been a while since I've seen a fic this bad. Canon Nazi had a field day.

Great Job!
"I dance the dance of the fool
and pray you find me mad
for if you lay hands upon the root
you'll know me, without illusion
and find me guilty of the truth."
-Malkav's Words

"LEGOLAS! YOU ARE HEIR TO THE THRONE OF MIRKWOOD! YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH RANDOM GIRLS IN CLOSETS!"-Glorfindel, "Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around" by crazyroninchic

"Dear Harry,

If Voldemort kills us, we turn into sparkly vampires. Can we panic NOW?

Sincerely, Ron"


Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.E- Albert Einstein

My Tolkien fanfic recs

Anime and manga fanfic recs

Book and game fanfic recs

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MD1618
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Amarth,Jun 29 2011
12:04 PM

Quote:
 
Shivering, the elven prince glanced at the sky nervously, and urged Loog Nahr (Dragon Fire), his faithful steed

Amlug Naur. And let's not get into the impropriety of an Elven prince naming his horse after the servant of Enemy. He might have as well called it Balrog's whip.

If I were a man who bet on horse races, I would totally put my money on a horse named Balrog's Whip. ;)

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She was frying up the last of the pork sausage and frantically wondering what she would exist on until the man would come again with the meager stores hed allotted to her to live on.

Ahh...that's how she's got "stores". Though I still wonder why would he give her wine.

Or meat, for that matter. But I guess maybe there are enough pigs in the economy that pork is cheap. Or, possibly, he bought it off of the clearance rack, where the butcher had put it because it was on the verge of spoiling. Neither seems very likely, but who knows.

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Sorry, I got carried away. It's been a while since I've seen a fic this bad. Canon Nazi had a field day.

No problem. I appreciate your corrections of all the attempts at Elvish. :)

Quote:
 
Great Job!

Thanks!
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.

Why, its the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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Amarth
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Rising Again
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When you find the Ellon meant for you, I will try to let you gocaenos (god) help mec

And now she brings Greek into it.
There is no "god" in Ea, Suethors. :burnmad: There is a Eru, who doesn't get involved directly, and Ainur(though I suppose you might dub them "celestial").

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MD: I have no idea, and wefll never find out. This is all I have of this story. If anything more was ever posted, I missed it.

May it remain in eternal obscurity, never to raise again. :cheer:

I suppose congratulations are in order. Unless the next one is even worse.
"I dance the dance of the fool
and pray you find me mad
for if you lay hands upon the root
you'll know me, without illusion
and find me guilty of the truth."
-Malkav's Words

"LEGOLAS! YOU ARE HEIR TO THE THRONE OF MIRKWOOD! YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH RANDOM GIRLS IN CLOSETS!"-Glorfindel, "Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around" by crazyroninchic

"Dear Harry,

If Voldemort kills us, we turn into sparkly vampires. Can we panic NOW?

Sincerely, Ron"


Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.E- Albert Einstein

My Tolkien fanfic recs

Anime and manga fanfic recs

Book and game fanfic recs

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MD1618
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Amarth,Jul 1 2011
10:28 AM
I suppose congratulations are in order. Unless the next one is even worse.

Honestly, I don't flat-out hate this fanfic. There was never a point, during the times I read or re-read this story, that I felt like screaming, or ranting in rage, or committing violence against a nearby inanimate object.

That can't be said for the two likeliest candidates for my next MST to be published. So yes, it's going to get worse for me after this. Thanks for the congratulations, anyhow. :)
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.

Why, its the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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