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| Neen Airehb: The MST; Leggy & Haldir are teh hawt!!1 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 26 2011, 03:56 PM (492 Views) | |
| MD1618 | May 26 2011, 03:56 PM Post #1 |
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Seer of Visions
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Discuss this MST here. Title: “Neen Airehb: The MST” Author: MD1618, based on a fanfic by an unknown person (sorry!) Rating: PG-13 Genre: Hurt-comfort fluff Text it is based on: “Neen Airehb” which presumably used to be on ff.net Characters: Legolas + Aragorn + Haldir + Galadriel + some OCs + my people Summary: Legolas finds a child abuse victim and comforts her. Haldir finds a sexual abuse victim and falls in love with her. Aragorn and Galadriel stand by and smirk. Warnings: Cussing and icky imagery. Standard Disclaimer: I do NOT own Legolas, Aragorn, or Haldir, and anything else pertaining to JR Tolkien. Unless I forget to take my medication. Then its pretty much every man...er...elf for himself. For those of you that like the stories that take place in sequence, and in context with Tolkien...please read no further. While I admire him and love his stories, I realize that I could never live up to his legacy. This tale therefore is entirely my own. That being said, if you don't like fluff, please don't read. Fluff it's got, because, well it's mine to do with as I please. I 'm working on getting my two favorite elves a little romance in their lives, because....well, damn....they're just friggin' hot. ![]() MD: {Legolas} “But I don’t want a little romance in my life.” Jester: {author} “Too bad, you’re getting it anyway.” MD: {Legolas} “Could you at least stop setting me up on blind dates?” Jester: {author} *cackles madly* “NEVER!!” Insanity: {Celegorm} “As long as we’re on the subject, I’m tired of blind dates too.” Jester: {author} “Too bad!” Insanity: {Celegorm} “Then could our next blind dates please not be with each other, just this once?” Neen air-ehb when hair-vehss Insanity: Very good advice. MD: What? Insanity: The title. Jester: As much as I’m going to regret asking :P, what advice is in the title? Insanity: You don’t recognize it? It’s a famous quotation. Jester: . . . Right. You’re enjoying this too much. Nobody ask him what it means! (My lonely maiden wife) Critic: {Nobody} “Insanity, what does it mean?” Jester: *facepalm* Critic: Couldn’t resist. ![]() Insanity: It’s from Robert Burns. It means “Never use the blow-dryer when bald”. Prologue “It’s behind the salt pork, Papa.” She didn’t look up from her small square of needlework as she gave him the helpful hint MD: by Heloise . He stopped his fruitless searching and gave her a hard stare. “What did you say, girl?” his voice was cruel and harsh. Critic: Awww, the poor little girl. She didn’t even get a big piece of needlework to work on, did you notice? I bet she wears rags and eats crumbs for dinner, too. MD: *blinks* Critic: Sorry, not very patient today, I guess. Too late, she realized that the question she’d heard him ask wasn’t spoken aloud. MD: *takes a moment to soak up the happiness of a correctly used homophone* “I…I…”she stammered. “Speak up girl! What did you say to me?!” his tone grew in its insistence and roughness, demanding an answer. Speaking as softly as possible she said, “I s-s-said it’s b-b-ehind the s-s-salt p-p-pork.” His voice dropped to a low hiss, “What’s behind the salt pork Jester: , Preciousss ?” Her teeth started to chatter with fear. “P-p-please s-s-sir, I d-d-didn’t mean to Critic: f-find your C-christmas p-p-present for me …” “WHAT’S BEHIND THE SALT PORK!!!” he bellowed. She jumped as if stung. Jester: “SIR! Your teddy bear that mysteriously went missing last week, SIR!” “What you’re looking for…” she said as fast as possible, just to get it out. The blow was hardly unexpected, but painful nonetheless. It slammed her teeth together as she fell to the floor, Critic: causing them to clatter and spill out onto the floor. small needlework and cloth scattering all over the floor. Critic: Because that’s what dropped cloth does. Just like dropped teeth or dropped papers or a dropped jug of milk. Jester: Or dropped stitches. ![]() “Evil bitch! Monstrous beast! She-devil…” the names continued with each one punctuated with a blow or kick until she could no longer discern the new pain from the old. MD: If only people wouldn’t put punctuation in their names, this wouldn’t be happening. Each one built upon the others until layer upon layer covered her over and she knew no more. Critic: *dramatic chord* Jester: Oh please not those again. *eyeroll* Critic: You’re right. That was awfully trite. I should have done something that reflected the source material instead of merely matching its triteness. For example: *dramatic scale* MD: You are being really snarky, you know that? Jester: Once you start down the path of the snark side, forever will it dominate your destiny. Critic: O_o Ewww. *makes as if trying to scrub his hands clean* |
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“Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.” Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue. | |
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| MD1618 | May 29 2011, 06:41 PM Post #2 |
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Seer of Visions
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Chapter One Legolas The girl lived alone in a ramshackle cottage far outside the village of Gowr. Jester: Growr? MD: Ah. Dr. Legolas is explaining that the abusive man was merely a hallucination. Having heard all of the stories about the beast-child of the forest, Jester: *scratches out “forest” and writes in “website”* all but the bravest (read-most fool hardy) citizens of the village proper Jester: *scratches out “citizens of the village proper” and writes in “fanfic readers”* MD: Okay, that’s enough. <_< avoided that part of the wilderness like the plague, especially after the sun set. Rumor abounded about the magic that pervaded this area of the forest…everyone knew of the curse that lay upon the most prominent family in Gowr. Jester: Glower? Critic: Heh. Someday I’d like to read a story about a curse that rests upon the fourth-most prominent family in a town. Just for a bit of variety. ~~~~ MD: The original uses horizontal bars as separators. I’ve converted them to tildes throughout. The wealthiest merchant in the village was a wise and generous man. Jester: And a wise and generous man was he. He called for his book, and he called for his wallet, and he called for his charities three. He invested in and supported many in the town. MD: Ahh, benevolent capitalism in Middle-earth. Whodathunkit? While he was a fair man, he also was a shrewd one, and it didn’t serve to get on his bad side. One day, the man left town on a trip to look at a new investment. When he returned, it was to introduce a new wife and young step-daughter to an astonished village. Not long after this, the town folk began to notice a change in the man’s demeanor. Insanity: He had stopped hitting on all the pretty girls in town. Very strange. The once docile and friendly merchant became openly suspicious and hostile. Before long, he refused to honor his business dealings with anyone in the village at all. It was also noticed that the man’s wife and daughter were looking more wan and haggard as the weeks wore on. MD: Oh, he’s just keeping them up late at night with his X-Files marathons. Critic: If this were the X-Files, the change in behavior would probably signal that he’d been possessed or replaced by an alien. One night, an awful racket was heard in the house of the merchant. A child’s screaming, high-pitched and terrified, along with the bellow of the merchant Insanity: ’s pet ox made for a blood-curdling combination. Of the mother, not a sound was heard. Soon, all sound ceased, and it was assumed that the child lost her voice, or had been cruelly murdered by the merchant in some strange act of violence. MD: Same ol’, same ol’. Nothing to get excited about. Not a sound was heard for a full week, and then the merchant appeared, as he had been before the woman and her daughter had joined his household. Of them, not a single hair was found. Jester: *hums Twilight Zone theme* ~~~~ To this day, no one knew the fate of the two ladies. Critic: I don’t think you get to be a “lady” until you’re an adult. The merchant grew fat and happy once again, and in time, courted a new lady…married and had more children. No one dared question the whereabouts of the previous Mrs. To MD: For all extents and purposes, All: o_O MD: You know, usually people get the suffix of “intents” wrong in that phrase. the past was best left forgotten. Unfortunately for the merchant, not everything in our past allows itself to be buried quite so conveniently…for evil deeds come to light as assuredly as the sun rises each new dawn. Critic: . . . As we shall see in the next chapter. /forboding, deep narrator voice |
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“Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.” Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue. | |
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| MD1618 | Jun 1 2011, 06:24 PM Post #3 |
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Seer of Visions
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Chapter two Legolas Legolas and Aragorn rode next to each other as the company traveled East toward Rivendell. “We shall reach the village of Gowr Jester: Gowron? by nightfall, mehl-on (friend), we should seek shelter for the nightwithin its walls.” Legolas entreated his friend as they rode through the rising wind that blew without impediment across the open plains. Critic: That was not much of an entreaty. Also, “open plains” does tend to imply a lack of impediment for wind. “Agreed. If I arrived at Rivendell half-dead from the cold Arwen would have your head.” He teased. Legolas narrowed his eyes. “She would know it is due to your thick Insanity: melon head, mehl-on, not my negligence. Your lady wife has more intellegence than you give her credit for.” Jester: And your friend has more of a sense of humor than you give him credit for. ![]() Aragorn smirked, then nodded. It was true, his wife knew him too well. His smile grew tender, he’d missed her so much…the time spent away during this quest had nearly broken his spirit. No amount of personal glory was worth sacrificing time with Arwen. He knew that his kingdom was in good hands with Gimli and the others to handle things until his return, and he intended to make up for that lost time with his spouse. MD: Heheheh. Sorry, can’t help but laugh at the image of Gimli filling in on the throne for Aragorn. Critic: Or the Fellowship taking turns running the kingdom. Insanity: That must have been a pretty nasty quest if he and Legolas are the only ones returning from it. Critic: No, they’re with a “company” but the author hasn’t seen fit to mention the other people individually yet. ~~~~ Hours later, the terrain grew rough as they finally made their way slowly up the far mountainside and into the darkening forest. The sky overhead took on a distinctly ominous hue Critic: Blood-red? MD: Sea green? Insanity: Sky blue? Jester: That isn’t remotely an ominous color. Insanity: It is if it’s meant ironically. as the temperature dropped noticeably. The wind whined through the trees and the leaves rustled like the dry, dusty bones of bodies long dead. Critic: I don’t know if that’s an especially apt simile, but at least it sets the tone nicely. Shivering, the elven prince glanced at the sky nervously, and urged Loog Nahr (Dragon Fire), his faithful steed MD: Comma on. Critic: I can’t see Legolas riding a horse with “Dragon” in its name. MD: I can barely see him riding a horse with “Fire” in its name. He’s a forest-dwelling elf. They probably aren’t fond of throwing “fire” around. Jester: Why doesn’t anyone ever ride an unfaithful steed? Or even a faithful horse? ![]() “We must move quickly, Aragorn. There are forces at work here…” he hardly said more when a solid branch cracked overhead and fell straight at the King’s head. MD: *snerk* That was random. Whipping his horse around, Legolas yanked his friend out of harm’s way, succeeding only in moving him enough so that the blow glanced off his forehead; All: EXCITING! FALLING-BRANCH! ACTION! knocking him unconscious instead of killing him outright. All: o_O Critic: That must have been a pretty big branch. You sure you didn’t mean a limb? MD: I’m pretty certain Aragorn has it in his job description that he’s not allowed to be killed by anything as lame as a random tree branch. Critic: How’d Legolas move that quickly, anyway? Especially if Aragorn wasn’t able to move fast enough to dodge on his own? Oh, and gee, I wonder where he’ll end up dragging Aragorn to! Holding tight to his fallen comrade; Critic: Two trite phrases in six words. MD: And that semi-colon should be a comma. he looked around trying to spot a place to shelter long enough to tend Aragorn’s wounds, and he spotted a small shack with a decent barn attached to the property. Critic: Yep, that there’s a purty decent barn. Nothin’ remarkable, but it’ll do. Now th’ shack ain’t nothin’ to write home about neither, mind you. Racing Loog Nahr toward it, he gave no thought to curses, magic or bad luck. He just wanted to help a friend. Jester: {Narrator} “I ask you, was that so wrong?” Insanity: “Loog Nahr” is the title of Robert Burns’s famous poem about the Loch Ness Monster, of course. ~~~~ |
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“Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.” Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue. | |
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| MD1618 | Jun 9 2011, 08:12 PM Post #4 |
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Seer of Visions
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She had just finished her meager supper for the evening, and cleaned her bowl and spoon, Critic: in a leaky, splintered bucket using a cupful of muddy water and a bit of lye, when the door was thrust open and two men burst through. Insanity: So Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll you have?” And Legolas says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary-Sue.” Others: . . . Having had this happen before, and knowing that no good came out of such happenings, she did what all skittish forest creatures do…she Jester: burst into song. froze. With a hand to her mouth and one fisted at her side, she watched as a warrior with an angel’s countenance, All: Ha! gloriously long golden hair and ornate chain metal armor strode with purpose through her little cottage, Jester: {girl} “Wow, I’ve never been burglarized by a hawt Viking warrior before! This is so cool!” Critic: How does one distinguish ornate chain mail from the other kind? Insanity: Frilly collars. half-carrying another man with apparent ease. The other warrior was injured, MD: Period or semi-colon. I would also accept a dash or a colon blood dripped from a wound high on his forehead and he stumbled, leaning heavily on his comrade. Critic: Okay. So when the branch fell, Legolas turned around to face Aragorn, who presumably had been facing about the same direction as Legolas had been. He pulled Aragorn . . . and instead of hitting Aragorn on the scalp, the branch hit Aragorn in the forehead. Riiight. Insanity: And what about the horse? Does nobody care that the poor horsie probably got hurt? ![]() “Sit down, Aragorn. Let me tend your wound before it gets worse.” MD: Hang on a moment. Weren’t they traveling with a company? Presumably one with its own healers and all that? Critic: It appears that the author has entirely forgotten about that little fact. Insanity: Oh well. Those characters were boring anyway. Legolas ignored the woman for now. He knew that it was very rude behavior to burst into another’s home without permission and with no explanation, but these were desperate times… Critic: Note to authors: If you feel the need to apologize as awkwardly as this to the audience for your characters’ actions, you are doing something wrong. “Legolas, don’t fuss…I’m alright. It’s just a bump. Critic: And, indeed, they basically forget about this supposedly near-fatal accident for the rest of the story. Look at this poor young lady here, we’ve frightened her.” He turned to the girl. “I am sorry for the intrusion. Please… Critic: allow me to do the polite thing and introduce ourselves to you before demanding anything further.” may we have your name?” He turned a compassionate chocolate gaze on the young lass with the tangled red-gold curls and ragged clothes. MD: I have not altered that sentence in the slightest. Critic: *makes gagging noises* Jester: *turns a dispassionate urple firehose on the author* She just stared, nonplussed. Her name? No one asked her what that was before. What was it? She couldn’t remember. Insanity: She was pretty sure it was similar to a monkey wrench, though. How…sad. Insanity: Sad and chocolatey. She felt an insane urge to giggle. Her name…she was dreaming that’s what it was. All this was just a crazy dream. Critic: She awoke abruptly, lying in a hospital bed. Her father was leaning over her and talking to her. “Edith? Can you hear me? Are you waking up?” Legolas gazed at this woman/child in bewilderment. Could she not speak? Did she not understand? “Please answer the King as he has spoken to you Critic: , foolish peasant! You should be groveling and thanking him for enriching your pathetic little life with his presence, scum .” He said sternly. She gave a great start before stumbling backward in alarm. “I-I-I am s-s-s-orry, I-I-I d-d-did not know, s-s-sire.” Terror was a palpable presence in the tiny cottage. Critic: The way that’s written implies that it was true in general. “Peace, child. You are not expected to know all.” Aragorn’s tone was of amused indulgence, trying to lighten her mood. Jester: He made a mental note to chew Legolas out later, in private, for being so high-and-mighty without cause. Critic: If only. She continued to shake and shudder noticeably Critic: Superfluous. , refusing to meet their eyes. “Child, truly you have nothing to fear from us. MD: “It is the author whom you should beware.” We beg your indulgence for an hour or two to rest our horses and then we’ll be on our way into the village.” “NO! You mustn’t go there!” her vehemence surprised even her. She began to breathe rapidly. Speaking softly so as not to startle her, Legolas said, “Why, lass?” “No…no…no…mustn’t…can’t…” she clutched at her head and began to rock back and forth as though to keep something in that would burst out at any moment. Critic: And then fainted, so that the writer could put off the Big Reveal for a later chapter. Legolas approached the woman slowly, as he would a horse that was easily spooked. With much confusion in his voice Insanity: and a tasty carrot in his hand he asked, “Too-ee-linn (little sparrow), what is wrong?” Critic: *facepalm* Did Legolas just needlessly address a human girl in an Elvish tongue? Jester: Sure looks like it! ![]() he put his hand out to touch hers when she violently pushed away from him and sank into a corner, slapping at her forehead MD: Rather like us. and keening softly to herself. The two men stared at one another in bewilderment before concluding that she was someone’s mentally ill relative that was given a home way out here so she wouldn’t be an embarrassment MD: and hopefully get herself killed while dancing on the edge of run-on territory . Unable to bear the sight of her hurting herself, Legolas hunkered down in front of the girl and softly began to sing a soothing elven lullaby. When the moon-cradle's rocking and rocking Where a cloud and a cloud go by Silently rocking and rocking The moon-cradle out in the sky. Jester: And in the sky. Then comes the lad with the hazel And the folding star's in the rack 'Night's a good herd' to the cattle, He sings, 'She brings all things back.' But the bond woman down by the boorie Insanity: (Burns-speak for “brewery”) MD: (It is NOT!) Sings with a heart grown wild How a hundred rivers are flowing Between herself and her child. 'The geese, even they trudge homeward That have their wings and the waste, Let your thoughts be on Night the Herder, And be quiet for a space.' Jester: You’ll notice we aren’t making much fun of this. MD: It’s not that bad. Not very Elvish, but not bad. Critic: Although geese that trudge rather than fly seem odd. Maybe they’re tame geese with their pinions plucked? Insanity: Maybe they think they’re mourning doves. The moon-cradle's rocking and rocking, Where a cloud and a cloud go by, Silent rocking and rocking The moon-cradle out in the sky. The snipe they are crying and crying Liadine, liadine, liadine MD: *singing* Saranam, saranam, saranam. Where no tracks on the bog they are flying A lonely dream will be mine. MD: See? This person is capable of writing well. Loreena McKennit *silence* Jester: Never mind. ![]() By the time he sang the last haunting note, she was at last breathing easier and had ceased to needlessly cause herself pain. Jester: Needless self-inflicted pain, eh? No comment. MD: If this is getting to be too painful for you, you can always leave the room. Jester: I just wanna be able to rail against the evil forces that are torturing us with fanfiction! We don’t have any! Other people have malevolent Maia, or wicked wizards, or random rocks . . . I’d even take something ridiculous, like cheesed-off mice. Why don’t we get to have evil forces? MD: Because that’s just how I roll. Critic: Did Jester just say something in earnest? O_o Jester: There’s a first time for everything. The wordless cries had stopped altogether, allowing the tear in his heart, caused by her obvious suffering, to begin to scab over. Jester: Open-heart surgery, Middle-earth style. ![]() “Too-ee-linn (little sparrow), can you not speak now? Truly, we mean you no harm, and desire only what information you wish to share.” Critic: “Stop poking me, Aragorn. Oh, right, and an hour’s worth of shelter would be nice too.” She hesitantly lowered her hands from their defensive posture and peeked at the angelic warrior to ascertain his truthfulness. He gazed into eyes the astonishing shade of the purest jade. MD: Curiously, Wikipedia indicates that jade comes in a variety of colors. Never guessed that. Jester: Well gee, if you can’t count on jade to be green, what can you count on? ![]() MD: <_< It seems that increased iron content increases the greenness. A shock of awareness shot through him and rocked his senses. Jester: {Ducky} “EARTHSHAAAAKE!” I know her…I’ve dreamed of her. What magic is this? All: *headdesk* Critic: Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! A gasp was torn out of him that had Aragorn whipping his head up. MD: Ouchies. “Mana naroeg?” (what is wrong) he asked with evident concern for his companion. Insanity: Wheeee! *leaves* Critic: Where is he . . . oh, whatever. “Im isthen hendu…” (I know her eyes) Legolas said shakily, reaching an unsteady hand out to touch her soft cheek in wonderment. MD: {Legolas} “What are you doing with my father’s eyeballs?” She ducked, as though expecting a blow, and it startled him greatly. “I will not hurt you, too-ee-linn. (little sparrow) You are safe with me, this I vow, lissuin nin. (my sweet flower)” He continued to coo to her in Sandarin Critic: Sparrows don’t coo. Doves coo. Jester: Is Sandarin the native language of the Sandman? until she put her hands down from her face once again and peeked into his face. What she saw there MD: Pimples? Jester: On Leggy?! No way! must have convinced her, because she finally placed a shaking hand in his and allowed him to gently help her to her feet. Tucking her into his side, All: O_o he brought her to Aragorn and introduced him. Insanity: *returns* “Mana naroeg” can be anagrammed to form “Near a mango” or “One anagram”! ![]() MD: *dry* That’s, like, totally freaky, dude. Insanity: *gleeful* I know! MD: *sigh* “This is His Royal Highness Elessar, Ruler of Gondor; and the present thorn in my side until I return him to the loving embrace of his lady wife.” Jester: Hmmmm, I wonder whose side Legolas takes in quarrels between those two. ![]() She looked ready to bolt again until Aragorn did the most unexpected thing, he Insanity: performed a five-man version of “One Singular Sensation”, thereby persuading the sky to transmute into asparagus which then sought out a nuclear submarine for the purpose of surrendering to it. Then he took her hand gently in his and kissed it. Insanity: This caused the sky-asparagus to mutate into a very tiny clone of Walter Winchell, which body-slammed Treebeard and accidentally caused him to get into a bar fight with Optimus Prime. Jester: There were no survivors. “I thank you, milady, for the shelter of your home. You are most generous to strangers on such a cold and blustery night.” She blushed with the compliment Critic: It’s not a compliment if it’s undeniably true. MD: It’s not undeniably true — he called her a lady! and had no idea what to say. Critic: So she said something: “Y-y-you are m-most welcome.” She whispered, head hung shyly. “Please, too-ee-linn, may we not have your name? I am called Legolas, of Mirkwood, and you…?” he looked at her with expectation. She stared back, clearly upset. Critic: {Girl} “I’m not stupid, you know. I realize quite well that ‘too-linny’ is probably street slang for some insult or another.” “I-I-I don’t remember…” she spoke so quietly, that he wondered if he’d heard correctly. “You don’t remember?” an awful idea began to form in his mind…he looked at her, really looked at her. She was a comely lass, Insanity: so she was laddie. with loads of strawberry MD: shortcake. blonde hair that was unfortunately not cared for, it lacked the touch of a regular bath and brush. Jester: Even the lice had gone on strike, protesting inhumane working conditions. Her clothing was old, torn, and…too small for her frame, Jester: if ya know what I mean. although she was admittedly tiny for her age, which had to be in her teens. Her eyes though, those eyes were ancient, as though she’d seen it all Critic: and worn the T-shirt threadbare ; every evil man had to offer Jester: her tribute or risk being turned into a good man, and Jester: good men suffered because of that knowledge. “How long have you been here in this place lass?” as he gestured around him, he dreaded the answer. “I was four years on this earth, sire, when I was brought here to live.” Insanity: “Before that, I’d grown up on Neptune and spent a few years in an apprenticeship on Mercury.” She answered. Legolas closed his eyes against the rush of pain he felt in her. She skimmed a hand down her gown self-consciously, MD: Even Word knows this should be a semi-colon she’d seen his perusal of her and knew what he was thinking. “I make my o-o-own clothes, I-I-I’m not v-v-very good…” “Nay, the cut is fine. I’d say it’s perfect for entertaining an injured King and impertinent elf *general nodding* for the evening” Aragorn’s voice was gentle, but held barely concealed amusement as Legolas’ face flushed and he shot him a dark look. “I think it would be best to wait out the storm, my friend,” he continued in a more sober manner, glancing at the ceiling as the wind picked up its howling. “If the young miss will allow us to tarry a bit longer than intended that is…” The wood elf heard it too. A telltale shriek to the rising storm that threatened snow before morning, and quite a lot of it, he imagined. MD: . . . Really? Jester: A squeal would have threatened hail. “I shall fetch firewood, Aragorn. We must remain warm if we are to survive such a night.” His voice held the quiet conviction of one who had seen many a night like this pass through the centuries. MD: Wow, good thing Legolas has those centuries of experience. I know it would never have occurred to me to get a fire going on such a cold, gusty night. Probably it would never have occurred to an eighty-year-old Ranger, or to the girl who’s had to spend numerous winter nights in this very cabin, either. Aragorn nodded agreement and immediately sought to gain the confidence of the timid creature whose residence they’d been forced to procure. MD: *gags* Sometimes the thesaurus is not your friend. Insanity: You know, this is exactly the sort of thing that the American colonists rebelled against. As the evening progressed she gradually relaxed her rigid stance Insanity: against eminent domain long enough to offer them food from her meager store, and some wine Critic: was persuaded to sit down at an old piano in the corner and play a few ditties . Legolas was scandalized at what little she actually had and made a promise to himself to hunt at first daylight to put back what they ate. Jester: He’s going to look for ipecac in her medicine cabinet? MD: Don't be ridiculous, Jester, he’s going to hunt for food outside. In ten feet of snow. Do try to keep up with the story. After a light meal they put out the candles and prepared for sleep. The woman had a pallet along one wall with only two blankets, hardly enough for such a blustery night with wind whistling through every crack and crevasse in the dilapidated old cabin. Critic: Amazing how she’d managed to survive there so long without their help in getting firewood or plugging up gaps. Speaking of which, did they ever actually get a fire going? She shivered and shook in her sleep until Legolas tucked his cloak about her shoulders; then sighing Insanity: with luuuuuuuv , she cuddled into it and lay still. Cupping a satiny cheek in one hand, MD: Oh please. *rolls eyes* Critic: A mistreated, teenaged peasant is not going to have flawless skin, particularly when she spends winters in a poorly constructed cabin. he delved into her slumbering mind softly, so as not to awaken her. MD: . . . Jester: In this scene, the part of Legolas will be played by Mirror!Spock. Shifting around her thoughts comfortably, he sought the reason why she seemed so familiar to him. MD: That’s a perfectly acceptable reason to violate the privacy of another person’s mind, don’t you think? While so intimately connected with her, he was unable to sense when she shifted from easy sleep to that of nightmares. So concentrated on his task was he that he missed the obvious signs of trouble; quickness of breath, agitation, rapid eye movement. Critic: Yes, REM is so easy to spot, what with the subject’s eyes being wide open and all. The first hint that all was not well was the pictures that her sleeping mind produced. Insanity: They were all trashy remakes of stuff from the ‘50s through the ‘80s. Jester: Modern Hollywood has come to Middle-Earth? This is the vilest fan-fic ever. ~~~~ |
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“Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.” Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue. | |
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| MD1618 | Jun 13 2011, 08:08 PM Post #5 |
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Seer of Visions
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Haldir The arrow flew wildly out of control MD: Comma causing the usually impassive elf general to curse inventively as he ducked for the umpteenth time. Insanity: “Son of a mud-burrowing cheese biscuit!” “Alassë! Pay attention, and please, do try not to kill any birds today.” Jester: “We can’t afford any more lawsuits from PETA.” Another arrow flew to the left this time, barely missing the blonde elf’s ear. Critic: Haldir thinks he’s a bird? The dark haired elleth (female elf) winced as she put down her bow and apologized repeatedly to the aloof Haldir. Putting his hand up, he forestalled any other expressions of remorse…the ‘young’ elleth was frighteningly MD: old. demonstrative for an elf…and bade her return to Lothlorien. “You have done enough damage for today. How a wood elf can be born with no ability to shoot straight I will never know…” Jester: Maybe it’s Maybelline. mumbling to himself he turned and stomped, MD: Are you sure? It looked to me more like he pranced. yes stomped back to his post. MD: Fine, fine, he stomped. You’re the author. What do I know? Alassë sighed heavily and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she shuffled along. Lost in her thoughts, she failed to notice the tree root growing at an awkward angle Insanity: (76.3 degrees above the ecliptic) and her right foot connected with it, sending MD: it between the uprights for three points! her sprawling across the forest floor. Jester: What, she can’t even walk and think at the same time? Giving up, she lay quietly and allowed the melancholia to wash over her. Why could she do nothing right in his eyes? MD: You have yet to do anything right in our eyes, either. For so long she had admired…nay loved Haldir, since the night he had rescued her from the Orcs. Critic: Ohhh boy. *sigh* Where she had been born, where she’d come from, she couldn’t remember. She only knew that for some time she had been a slave to the Orc leader, and that he had…used…her for entertainment purposes. Insanity: What’s she talking about now? Jester: The big Orc dude kept his TV set on top of her, and when the cable was broken and company was visiting he’d make her do magic tricks. Tears stung her eyes. Haldir was ashamed of her, this she knew…and who could blame him? She was careless, clumsy, overly demonstrative, loud, and not at all beautiful…in short, nothing he could possibly want or love in return. Critic: I’m trying not to break out the “smallest violin” shtick, but I’m not getting much help from the author here. MD: Even money says he’s in love with her all along. Critic: Only even money? MD: Well, it’s that or he comes to fall in love with her. She gave a mighty sniff. Jester: Is that like a mighty wind? “Alassë!” her name was shouted in a tone of sheer terror. It had the effect of iced water being tossed onto her head. MD: Ouch. Did it concuss her? She glanced around and beheld Haldir running full tilt toward her, dropping to his knees and running a trembling hand over all Jester: of his own limbs to ascertain any injury. MD: {Haldir} “You better not have broken anything. I don’t want to fill out yet another workplace injury report.” “Harnle, Alassë?” (are you hurt) He said in a shaken voice. His touch was gentle and feather light. Critic: From the preceding, we may conclude that: 1. She’s not actually all that clumsy, since Haldir is not used to her tripping; 2. This is indeed going to be one of those romantic storylines. “Nay, Haldir. I am well. It was only my clumsiness and infer-nal lack of con-cent-ration All: ? ? ? Jester: Did she just turn into a Dalek? MD: “Orcs are the in-fer-ior spe-cies! Ex-ter-min-ate! Ex-ter-min-ate!” that lead me to this fate.” She was quoting him…he shook his head, biting back a grin. Critic: {Haldir} “I do not sound that ridiculous!” “You will be the death of me yet, elleth. What am I to do with you?” Critic: Drop-kick her into the Misty Mountains! Jester: Mash her, boil her, stick her in a stew! MD: Ex-ter-min-ate! Ex-ter-min-aaate! His eyes were gentle now as he tucked a loose curl behind her ear, pausing long enough to lightly caress the tip. She nearly moaned aloud at the sensation, but held her tongue, knowing that if one sound passed her lips he Jester: would realize she was a disguised Ferengi. would pull away. Putting out his hand he gestured for her to grasp it, then pulled her to her feet. Stumbling, she fell against his chest, her chestnut brown hair tickling his nose MD: Chestnut brown is dark? If you say so. and the lilac fragrance that hung about her bewitching his senses. Critic: Whoa, when did we leave her POV? Abruptly, he put her away Jester: for the winter. from him. “Go home. The time for brevity is long past.” MD: . . . I don’t think the writer meant to use “brevity” there. “Levity” maybe? Critic: “Purple prose”, I hope. His words and tone were like a whiplash, Jester: snidely marking her soul. He knew that she stared after him in shocked bewilderment long after he disappeared. MD: I know I’m bewildered. Is this supposed to be the psychic-girl’s dream, or what? “Haldir…?” his name echoed after him spoken with an aching whisper, tearing at his emotions…damn the girl! Somehow, someway…she’d broken down every defense he’d put up against her…and gotten entwined in his heart. Critic: *melodramatic chord* Jester: Ya know, that’s pretty dangerous. You don’t want gunk messing up your heart muscle or interrupting the blood flow down there. |
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“Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.” Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue. | |
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| MD1618 | Jun 16 2011, 03:20 PM Post #6 |
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Seer of Visions
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Chapter Three Every night, the girl relived her childhood. Each time she closed her eyes, it played itself out in her dreams, each excruciating moment…from the first identifiable memory. Against his better judgment, Legolas was swept along with the tide. MD: I’m picturing Legolas standing on a beach, telling the tsunami that’s about to swamp him, “Against my better judgment, I’m going to let you sweep me away.” Others: Mm-hmm. MD: It’s funny because he doesn’t actually have any choice in the matter. Others: Mm-hmm. MD: You’re just tuning me out, aren’t you. Others: Mm-hmm. The first thing the empathetic elf saw was through the eyes of a small toddler. All: No, really?! A woman and a man were arguing about the child. Although she was young, the child had an uncanny intelligence, and an old soul. MD: So she’s one of those re-born elves. Critic: I thought this one was a human. MD: I guess the stork made a mistake, then. She was fully aware of the nature of the disagreement and was preternaturally quiet, listening intently for the outcome of the quarrel. Jester: “Tastes great!” MD: “Less filling!” “So you would deny that this was your child? Turn us out to starve? How am I supposed to…?” the woman argued fiercely. “Of course I deny it! Have you seen what it does!! MD: “Not only does it watch basketball and shun baseball, it roots for Boston!!!” It’s the devil-child! If it stays it will hex me for sure, have you seen how it stares…” the man looked squeamishly at the child, who regarded him with solemn eyes. “For heaven’s sake, have pity! It is but a babe! It cannot help what it does, any more than a Critic: Mary Sue can! dumb animal! Critic: Like I said . . . . There is something wrong with it…” the woman tried to get him to listen to her weak reasoning, much to Legolas’ disgust, what kind of mother uses such misguided logic about her own offspring? Critic: I dunno, maybe a desperate one who’s trying to persuade a man she knows well? The next set of memories were obviously of a later period, for the mother and daughter were older. Jester: Ah, Legolas, you’re so clever. The mother was obviously remarried, for she was setting up a household and admonishing a young child about harassing her new husband. Critic: Clever indeed. What’s this about another child? From there the dreams grew progressively darker. It seemed as though the girl was moving toward a culmination of some sort, as the flashes of memory grew more dramatic. MD: Well, it’s hard to get much less dramatic than a woman telling a young child to behave. He caught glimpses that her intuitive gifts had gotten her into trouble, just how prevalent her gift was he would have to ascertain. Insanity: With a carefully calibrated scale. Jester: Prevalent enough to cause spontaneous comma splices in her surroundings, apparently. By the time her dream had fully reached its pinnacle, he finally knew…and letting out curses in Sandarin and Quentin Insanity: Tarantino that would make even Aragorn blush, MD: Because, as we all know, Aragorn is not a gentleman in the slightest. Jester: He liked sailing those pirate ships so much, he’s joined a buccaneerin’ crew part-time. ![]() he yanked himself back in time to catch at her flailing arms and, pulling her in tight, rock her gently, singing all the while. Jester: *singing* “Rock-a-bye, and sleep tight, so I can throw you to the lions . . .” She never got used to the nightmares. One would think that after experiencing terrible things in her dreams night after bloody night, year after year, one would eventually welcome a blessed numbness to the horror that waited come eventide. Critic: . . . My diagnosis is “Author tried to write emotionally engaging prose that was strictly grammatically correct and missed on both counts.” Insanity: What’s the technical term for that? Critic: Um, trying toohardius. But such a comfort was not for her… Jester: {Soup Nazi} “No such comfort for YOU!” no, she was forced to relive every scream, every broken bone, every torn muscle… MD: . . . every strained ligament . . . Critic: . . . every viral infection . . . Jester: . . . every coronary blockage . . . every horrific internal injury inflicted by the very person who should’ve protected her. Insanity: Tidus? Upon waking, she would find herself clawing, fighting, battling unseen enemies with such an intent single-mindedness that she often despaired of her sanity. Critic: She’s dreaming of a single attacker, but she’s counter-attacking multiple targets? I’d be a bit dubious about my sanity, too. Upon awakening this night, she found herself cradled in a warm, comforting embrace, surrounded by the calming scent of fir trees and sandalwood. Jester: Cuz Legolas is a wood-elf, get it? Critic: Why else would those scents be particularly present on this particular night, anyway? A soothing melody was entwining its way around her heart and mind, MD: *singing* “If you like piña coladas . . . gettin’ caught in the rain . . .” Jester: What is with everyone’s heart being strangled? bringing a sense of tranquility and peace to a soul in crisis. Breath easing, limbs loosening; she turned her face into Legolas’ neck, MD: That may be the most bizarre, pointless magic trick I’ve ever heard of. gave a great sigh and fell into peaceful slumber. Legolas tightened his grip on this precious girl. Critic: Why is she precious, hmm? His heart ached for the abuse that had been…and still was…being afflicted MD: Inflicted! upon her. She was coming with them on the morrow, he would see to it. Jester: Or possibly in the marrow, or with the Murrow. He wasn’t picky. When he spoke with the King, he would understand, and if not…well, best not think of that right now. Pulling the woman close, he too closed his eyes and slept. Morning brought its own set of problems. MD: Fortunately, they were basic trig problems, so Aragorn was able to use his graphing calculator to solve them. Legolas approached Aragorn with the notion of bringing the woman along with them to Rivendell. MD: {Aragorn} “What is that you hold in your hand?” Jester: {Legolas} “Just a notion I found lying around. What should I do with it?” MD: {Aragorn} “Hurl it out the door, quickly, before it can contaminate us!” “Do you comprehend what you ask, friend? We know nothing of this woman, merely that she has had a troubled past. How do we know what is truth and what is not?” Aragorn asked reasonably. Jester: You’re in a Mary Sue fanfic. Almost nothing you see, hear, or think is truth. Paranoia: That’s what I always say! MD: Thank you, Paranoia, that’s enough. “I have traveled her thoughts, attempting to ascertain the reason she is so familiar to me…inadvertently she took me into the past. MD: You know what would make this fanfic awesome? Critic: Scrapping it and replacing it with something that’s awesome? MD: Aragorn arresting Legolas for violation of privacy without a warrant and dragging him back to Minas Tirith to stand trial. Through her nightmares I saw the evil done to her, Elessar. Critic: How else would he have figured out why she was familiar than by looking at her past, anyway? Was he going to look into the future and listen to himself telling her, “Hey, I just figured out why you seem so familiar, here’s why . . .”? The evil has not stopped…it continues to this very day. The things these men do…sickens me.” MD: Noun - verb disagreement. Critic: Senseless comma splices. Jester: Gratuitous pop-culture references. Others: *stare* Jester: Just seeing if you were paying attention. ![]() He practically spat the last, much to Aragorn’s surprise. He could see the tension in the normally calm and controlled elf. Jester: Deep down, Legolas’s instincts are warning him that a Mary Sue is nearby. “If she is in danger by remaining, then by all means… Jester: remove her from the story. she must come if she be willing. Arwen would never let me hear the end of it if I failed to save a damsel in distress.” His eyes crinkled at the thought. MD: Sounds painful. He immediately saw the relief flood the other’s face. “I will approach her on the subject. Hanta-lyë (thank you) Elessar.” Legolas clapped him on the shoulder before turning to walk toward the girl. MD: Who was indeed perched upon the subject. ~~~~ |
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“Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.” Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue. | |
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| MD1618 | Jun 24 2011, 03:14 PM Post #7 |
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Seer of Visions
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She was frying up the last of the pork sausage and frantically wondering what she would exist on until the man would come again with the meager stores he’d allotted to her to live on. Critic: Oh, that’s right. Hey, Legolas! Weren’t you going to go foraging out among the snowdrifts today? Taking a deep breath, she decided that it didn’t matter…these men did her no harm…they had actually been kind, and it was indeed a pleasure to serve such kindness. If only…she glanced sideways at the blonde angelic warrior. MD: No, you had it right before. B-L-O-N-D. He was so good, so gentle, so caring… everything she wished a man would be. Jester: {Narrator} “He even liked the same music and movies as her!” But such a man was not for her, no…she was tainted with evil. With something so vile that no man could gaze upon her countenance with anything other than repugnance. Insanity: She had an N*Sync tattoo on her cheek. MD: *shudders* New rule: Do not mention tattoos within a mile of any “tainted” Mary Sue. Jester: Aww, that was years ago. Don’t tell me the . . . scars . . . still remain. ![]() MD: *twitch* Up until now, that fact had been just a fact of life…something to deal with. Insanity: Like tapeworms. Now, looking at the two men in earnest discussion, she found herself for the first time wanting…more. To be a wife, bear children...am I so evil to desire this? MD: It’s not the desire that’s evil so much as it is what you do to the characterization and plot in order to get your way. Closing her eyes at a fresh onslaught of pain, she missed Legolas’ approach, until a spatter of hot grease hit her hand causing her to cry out in pain. Critic: And then he plays soothy-comfort with her, yes? Legolas heard her cry out and saw her pull up her hand and put it into her mouth to cool the burn. Immediately he sprang into action, *general ahhing* grasping the injured limb and murmuring a healing spell as he gently stroked the area with his thumb. *general oohing* She trembled at the burst of sensation low in her belly that his touch caused, *. . . general gagging* and at her gasp, his eyes delved deeply into hers. *general awwing* Jester: Well, that’s, like, totally convinced me! Obviously they’re totally tru luvs 4ever!!!<3 “Avon oiale negrle, too-ee-linn. (I will not ever hurt you, little sparrow)” his voice was husky. Jester: {Narrator} “And his body was hunky!” This woman/child affected him deeply, he felt his spirit beings drawn to hers inexorably, as though fate had their destinies planned before time began. MD: Well, he is an Elf, so . . . “I must speak with you. Come, sit with me…it is a matter of some urgency.” With wide eyes, Critic: She’s playing the innocent, I see. she took his outstretched hand and allowed him to lead her toward Jester: a pile of nuclear waste. a wooden chair. It was a testimony to her complete trust in this total stranger that she allow this, for she’d had many a horrible experience tied to this very chair…moments too terrifying to contemplate. MD: Not so much trust as total infatuation, otherwise she could have diverted to a different seat. Critic: No, no. There’s only one chair in the entire house, and it’s rickety with splinters, water damage, and a broken leg. “Little one, can you tell me why we should avoid the town and its people? Is there a danger to the King that I am unable to sense MD: with my Jedi powers ?” his eyes were steady on hers…giving both strength and compassion. Critic: Otherwise she would have been too weak and uncaring to answer. “Y-y-yes s-sir. The L-l-ord of the c-city is m-my stepf-father. He is…” here her voice trailed off, her expression turning bleak. “Go on, he is…?” the patient elf gently urged. MD: Dr. Legolas is back! “He is evil…” she whispered, her tone so eerie that the hair on the back of his neck stood up. Jester: {bird-girl} “Evil! EEEEEVILLLLL!” MD: {Dr. Legolas} “I see. And how does this make you feel?” “He does things to people, hurts them…he and the men who are his friends, they have dealings with the Orcs. He allows them to come here and…and…” she broke then, shedding tears for the shattered soul she harbored within. Insanity: Shattered and chocolatey. Gathering her close, he told her that she would come with them to Rivendell so that she could heal. He spoke of the wonders to behold there, of Elrond the elf healer, MD: Oh, so Elrond is still there. and Arwen, his daughter…and Aragorn's beloved wife. Critic: I really don’t understand the point of that ellipsis. Insanity: The author was just pausing to see if she had tricked the reader into thinking that Arwen was Legolas’s daughter. After awhile, he noticed a calming in her, and felt her listening to him. Jester: Then he heard her feeling him. ~~~~ |
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“Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.” Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue. | |
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| MD1618 | Jun 27 2011, 01:14 AM Post #8 |
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Seer of Visions
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Haldir Alassë walked dejectedly into her little talan (home) and threw herself onto her pallet. What is wrong with me? Am I so horrific, so tainted that I cannot be loved for myself? MD: Yes, you are. And stop saying “tainted” – I still haven’t recovered from the last OC who harped on that word. Haldir…I love him so much…tears came, hot and achingly silent, then sleep drew her into its healing embrace. Haldir stood at his appointed post until Fëawen came to relieve him. MD: That’s a dangerous name to give an OC. Fëanor might think you were trying to mock him. “Lady Galadriel wants to speak with you, General.” Jester: {Fëawen} “She says you’ve been too mean to the Mary Sue and it’s time for your comeuppance.” Critic: That, or he’s going to be pressured into marriage. Haldir looked surprised at the message, then nodded acknowledgement, before moving silently away to become one with the shadows of the forest. Standing before the Lady of Lothlorien, he bowed low and inquired as to the nature of her request. “Ah, Haldir…bór maethor nin, manen nafiligon? ( my faithful warrior, how is the little bird)?” Straightening, he gave a disgruntled reply. Jester: {Haldir} “The ‘little bird’ is in the other plotline. I’ve got the klutz to deal with, remember?” Critic: {Galadriel} “Actually, both of them are klutzes now.” Jester: {Haldir} “Oh, really? Well, um, ours is the rape victim.” Critic: {Galadriel} “I’m pretty sure the author implied sexual abuse for the other one too.” Jester: {Haldir} “Raped by Orcs?” Critic: {Galadriel} “Both of them.” Jester: {Haldir} “Saved by a warrior Elf from her abusers?” Critic: {Galadriel} “Check and check.” Jester: {Haldir} “Non-existent self-esteem?” Critic: {Galadriel} “Zero and zero.” Jester: {Haldir} “Is there any characteristic to distinguish between this pair of twits?” Critic: {Galadriel} “Er, well, I don’t think the other girl has a name yet. Oh, and she’s human, isn’t she?” Jester: {Haldir} “Like I care enough to pay attention.” “Stork more like. A clumsier creature I have never seen, she cannot even shoot a straight arrow, Insanity: but you give her an arrow with a knot in it and suddenly she’s Robin Hood. and I have worked with her for the better part of three months! Jester: “Wait, what am I saying? The time I spent away from her was the better part of those three months.” She…sings…all the time, and runs everywhere, by aenos (by god), MD: Regardless of whether that’s made-up Elvish, a Lothlorien Elf would not invoke a single generic god. the child cannot sit still for five minutes!” he stalked back and forth, completely missing the highly amused countenance of Lady Galadriel. Jester: See, she’s on the Mary Sue’s side. “She will be the death of me Lady Galadriel…” he stopped before her and stood, shoulders held high and back straight Insanity: and tongue firmly touching the tip of his nose . “I must ask once again to be released from my obligation to mentor her…” She simply shook her head. “The child would fade, Haldir. Do you not see how great her attachment is to you? From the moment you took her from the Orc Leader you have been her savior, her friend, her anchor Critic: and her luv interest in this harsh and often cruel world. Jester: Yeah, the world is a harsh place. Remember the time it didn’t give us evil overlords to rail against and trade witty banter with? That was pretty cruel. MD: If you aren’t careful, I’ll give you a personal antagonist whose sole form of interaction is to infect you with laryngitis. ![]() Critic: She’s in Lothlorien now. Why does the world still seem harsh and cruel to her? Are the other Elves making fun of her clumsiness at recess? MD: Well, if this actually is set after the end of the Ring, then Lothlorien is currently fading. Talk about your cruel luck. But yeah, her environment shouldn’t be harsh at all. To take you away now would surely kill her as much as if we had left her to her fate with the Orcs.” Critic: {Galadriel} “If we take you away from her a year from now, however, it would only kill her half as much.” Her gaze was compassionate and knowing as he closed his eyes in MD: sweet, sweet death. defeat. “Haldir…all is not as dark as it seems. Insanity: “You forgot to remove your blindfold this morning, that’s all.” Jester: {Haldir} “Oh. So I can stop shrieking about the end of the world?” Insanity: {Galadriel} “That would be greatly appreciated, yes.” She has a light within her, one which will lead you into the truth you seek…” Startled, he looked into her eyes. “My Lady…how could she…?” Jester: {Haldir} “How could she know the secret KFC recipe?” “Trust, Haldir. Let her into your heart and your questions will be answered.” Critic: {Galadriel} “Or, at least, the author will get to write a mushy scene or two. It’s a win-win situation, right?” Jester: {Haldir} “No.” Critic: {Galadriel} “Well, she thinks it is.” Her expression was wise and knowing. Critic: But not compassionate anymore? He looked for her at the community meal, but the little elleth was nowhere to be found. Taking some of her favorite foods, Jester: Cheeseburger. MD: Manicotti. Insanity: Garden salad. MD: That was strangely normal. ![]() Insanity: With extra compost and earthworms sprinkled on top. Just the way she likes it. he sought her out in her small talan, pausing when he saw her sleeping form sprawled across her sleeping pallet. A small smile threatened to break into a grin at the sight of her slight form lightly snoring away. That threat quickly evaporated at the sight of drying tears streaking down a woebegone face. Critic: This isn’t cliché in the slightest. Alassë, lissi min (sweet one). He sat next to her and ran a hand through her silky hair, his thoughts going back to the first time he’d seen her… Jester: By a strange coincidence, it had been the last time he’d seen his sanity. ~~~~ |
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“Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.” Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue. | |
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| MD1618 | Jun 28 2011, 04:15 PM Post #9 |
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Seer of Visions
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He was still weak from the wounds he’d received in the Battle of Helm’s Deep. Still it was his duty to assist the new King Elessar in ridding the Kingdom of Gondor of the remnants of Sauron’s evil. MD: The boy bands. Critic: The bad fanfic. Jester: The Taco Bell franchises. Insanity: The Orcs. Jester: . . . You need to get into the spirit of this. ![]() Most of the Orcs and other creatures of the Underworld had returned from whence they came, Insanity: New Jersey? MD: No, I don’t think there are any Devils in Middle-earth. but a hardy few were attempting to regroup and overthrow the new regime. MD: If some dude with red eyes shows up and starts analyzing Aragorn’s taste in art, I’m leaving. It was this band of Orcs that the army of Elves and men moved on. Insanity: I thought an army moved on its stomach . . . ? In the midst of the fighting, he had come across a sight that had moved him to a fury he had never known. Critic: The Academy Awards. MD: “And the award for Best Picture goes to . . . Eyes Wide Shut!” Insanity: {Haldir} *yelling* “This is an OUTRAGE! How can the process be so rigged?! How can you be such IDIOTS as to pick that sleaze over . . .” A small, petite Critic: Redundant. elleth sat chained and naked in a bedchamber that smelled of putrid bodily fluids and sex. The tiny elf Critic: Rreedduunnddaanntt. was covered in blood from multiple wounds and bite marks, and there was not an inch of her body that wasn’t covered in bruises. Critic: In short, she was experiencing a condition that those in the medical profession typically refer to as “death”. She sat so silent, so still, with head hung low and he was afraid, for the first time in centuries, that he was too late and she was already gone. Critic: . . . Has he been walking in on her for centuries, then? MD: *sigh* That sentence came so close to being good. He raced toward her MD: Comma intent on releasing her bonds MD: Comma when she suddenly caught a glimpse of movement. Insanity: It was Peewee Herman, about to begin singing. Screaming, she fought with the strength of a wildcat, clawing, biting, kicking…anything to keep him from Insanity: singing. touching her. When he looked in her eyes there was no expression save stark, raw terror. Knowing that attempting to reason with her would fail miserably, he silently apologized before hitting her on the head with just enough force to render her unconscious. Critic: Because that’s what you do with people who are on the point of death: you beat them up some more. Releasing her from her bonds, he picked her up…dismayed to feel how light she was…and throwing his cloak around her to cover her nakedness, he hurried out to join the others. Just as he cleared the opening of the room he heard a roar of rage behind him. Critic: *sigh* I might have expected something like this. He’s going to have to be all manly and deliver her from her vile tormentor. Turning his head he saw the most revolting, disgusting piece of filth he’d ever come across in all his wanderings of this lifetime. Jester: Why is Paris Hilton in Middle-earth? At least ten feet tall, the creature’s sallow skin hung in long folds from its heavy skeleton, MD: I really hope not. I’ve never vomited because of a fanfic, and I have no desire to start now. and massive paws opened and closed as though picturing his head between its fingers as the beast crushed it as easily as one would a grape. Open sores pocked the face, oozing foul smelling pus, while long greasy hair hung down from a grossly misshapen skull. Critic: Somehow I get the sense that we’re supposed to dislike this new character, but I just feel sorry for the guy. Jester: The creature was also one of those lawyers who advertises on TV. Critic: BURN HIM! “Mine…my pretty!” his gravely bark Jester: and woody stone had woke MD: Awakened. the girl in his arms Critic: The newcomer is holding a girl too? and had her wiggling wildly in an attempt to get away. “Hush, child.” He set her down to confront the monstrosity. To his dismay, her legs couldn’t support her weight even as slight as she was. Insanity: How was she able to hold up the TV set, then? Others: . . . “You are safe with me.” She looked into his blue-gray eyes for a long moment, assessing his truthfulness before nodding, choosing to trust him. Critic: And suddenly she has a mind again! He turned again toward the Orc stating calmly, “She is an elf maiden, not an Orc plaything. You will release her to me, or face death.” *general clasping of hands over hearts and sighing* Jester: Likewise, Legolas is an Elf dude, not a Suethor plaything. The Orc gave a short laugh. “Elf is mine! My property, my toy! You release her or you face death!” he lumbered forward unknowingly to his eventual doom. Jester: Yup, he’s gonna die . . . eventually. The she-elf watched in fascinated horror as the slight, elegant figure of the wood elf made minced meat out of the lumbering beast with only two knives and his wits. Critic: Oh please. After the thing had fallen, he returned to her side, effortlessly scooping her up into his arms and taking her away from her nightmare. She awakened on a whimper of pain, her wounds had been severe enough to have required a healer, All: O RLY?!? and the resultant concoction that was lathered onto her skin burned and irritated the open sores. Critic: So, basically her entire body. A soothing hand ran through her hair and a soft voice whispered reassurances in the ancient elven tongue. MD: Too bad she was too far gone to understand it by now. Opening fevered eyes, she beheld the most beautiful elleth she could’ve imagined. Golden curls cascaded down a lovely face filled with compassion. Critic: And wisdom and knowledge. Don’t forget those. “You are well, my child, do not fuss so. Critic: “Sure, you feel like your entire body is on fire, but that’s no excuse for whimpering!” The potion stings I know, but Insanity: the poison also sings. you will heal…ah, Haldir come and greet our guest…” a familiar face swam into view. His intense grey-blue gaze was worried as he assessed her condition. Jester: {Haldir} “I’m sorry, but with all those creases and rips and stains, I wouldn’t even grade this card as Poor. Unless you can find a child who just loves Ken Griffey, Jr. to death, you won’t get a single cent for this one on the market.” “How do you feel, little one?” at her groan, he squeezed her hand lightly. “Lady Galadriel how is she?” “The healer has given her a good chance to survive her injuries, Haldir; however…I know not how her mental condition will be. She suffers cruelly, Critic: And harshly. Don’t forget harshly. I wish for you to remain with her for now. She trusts you, and she will not trust easily.” ~~~~ |
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“Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.” Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue. | |
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| MD1618 | Jun 30 2011, 11:50 PM Post #10 |
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Seer of Visions
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And so began his association with one of the most infuriating, annoying, fascinating, lovable creatures he had ever met. Critic: Sure you don’t want to squeeze a few more adjectives into that sentence? Giving a heavy sigh, Haldir surrendered to his emotions, and lay beside her and gazed into her beloved face. I have loved you for so long, young one. I have tried and tried to fight against it, but I am just not strong enough to stay away from you. Insanity: The magnets are too powerful. When you find the Ellon meant for you, I will try to let you go…aenos (god) help me…his chest tightened and he nearly had to physically restrain himself to keep from pulling her to him and kissing her senseless. *general swooning* Critic: Isn’t she already insensible? After watching her sleep for an hour, torturing himself all the while with thoughts of her having a life with another, he took himself off. Lady Galadriel watched him leave the small talan with a great deal of satisfaction. Jester: {Galadriel} “Heheh, that’ll teach him to rescue Mary Sues from certain doom.” Critic: So, what’s supposed to be his rationale for not marrying her? Hmm? MD: I have no idea, and we’ll never find out. This is all I have of this story. If anything more was ever posted, I missed it. |
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“Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.” Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment! Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue. | |
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I 'm working on getting my two favorite elves a little romance in their lives, because....well, damn....they're just friggin' hot. 







3:13 PM Jul 11