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| Bara Koorome; Girl falls into Middle Earth. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 14 2011, 09:56 PM (314 Views) | |
| athenarena | Aug 14 2011, 09:56 PM Post #1 |
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Master of the Rings
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Author: Rena Genre: MST Text based on: Bara Koorome by Yoko's Onna Rating: T Characters: Lancelot, Galahad, Balian, Ellen. Summary: Girl falls into Middle Earth and begins messing everything up. Warnings: canon rape, cliched plot, Sue, pretty sure there is a Legomance. The four sporkers lounged around the bunker, moving in and out of their rooms. There had been no movement from their captor and his minions for ages. It put all of them on edge, awaiting the next story. The only plus for the silence and no sporking was that Ellen had finally turned eighteen. Balian could no longer withhold the necessary alcohol to get through stories from her anymore. The bad news is that Lancelot and Galahad took it to mean she would try to get drunk every night. First time trying that thought had ended badly for all of them. Now Ellen was getting fidgety. It was almost as if she wanted a badfic. She did not but there was very little else to do. She had read everything decent, her laptop had just died and the knights were away doing their own things. Language barrier at times and age difference had led to some awkward moments. Curled up in her chair, she waited for Balian to return to see if she could get a game of chess off of him. She was that bored, she had not played the game in years. Just as Balian was coming out of his room and just as she was about to ask, the air raid badfic sign began blaring through the rooms. “Great, we got badfic. Where is the alcohol?” Ellen muttered darkly. Luckily, she spotted the Sarmatian Knights with the cooler and followed them all into the theatre before grabbing her handy bottle of absinthe. Her liver was doomed but she needed the booze. Maybe she was more stereotypical Irish than she thought. Settling down beside Balian –who she trusted the most-, she waited anxiously alongside her tense companions for the screen to light up. CHAPTER 1 (only part of it) "Bara Koorome! Where do you think you're going?" My foster mother yelled at me as I picked up my sports bag with my whole life in it, and my guard rifle in my gloved hands. Ellen: NOOOOOOOO! Not another freaking girl falls into Middle-Earth! *calms* Who the hell has a name like a Bara Koorome? Lancelot: *pulls out checklist* Speshful name, bad background. One line in. Wow, this Sue is fast. Maybe her mother was drunk and just decided to put together as many letters to something that sounded retch-worthy? Balian: You forgot one on the checklist. She has a guard rifle. Therefore, she has been trained and probably will later show off her awesome skills to save her true love. That is probably Legolas. *stares at Ellen.* Ellen: *shrugs* I did not check if it was. I just went with the rule of probability in this fandom. Legolas. "I'm leaving. I'm not taking any more of this shit." I said, slamming the door shut and shifting my shoulders so that my straps rested in a more comfortable position on my shoulders. Galahad: Overdramatic much? Also, what is these problems you cannot take any more of? Show NOT tell. Those straps are going to hurt wherever you put them. Hopefully, they wrap around your throat and we won’t have to listen to you talk or better you die. This is going to be a long ride. Balian: She needs to have a wangsty past that she can bemoan to her “tru luv” and have him fall more in love with her. It is decreed in the book of Sues written by Angey. *shudders and swigs the alcohol*. Is it bad we want her to die two lines in? Others *stare at Balian*: NO! I took off at a run down the street. I would head to the park first. After that…I don't know. I will just have to make out a living. Lancelot: I would say become a wench but even I don’t want to degrade them that badly and insult their customers. It would be demeaning to give them a Sue who would just sob during it. That is not what is paid for. I would ask a million different questions but all I see is fail of logic. I don’t want to damage myself any further. I took off at a jog towards the park. 'I'm sure they won't mind me taking the rifle I paid for.' I shrugged and slipped my rifle into the strap of my sports bag. I couldn't leave my rifle behind. Guard was my life now, as much as I wanted to run away from it all. Ellen: The Guard don’t want you hunny. They just have not found a way to say no to you yet as harshly as possible. Give them a few days, they will come back on you with that. Galahad: Isn’t there some safety precautions she is missing with that rifle? What is that anyway? Ellen: *flinches slightly* Logic Galahad, logic. Yes she is but the Suethor does not care. She only cares about making her Sue look as independent and warrior like as possible. As for a rifle, it is a more powerful bow, with a few differences. Galahad: Can we use it to kill the Sue and/or Suethor? Balian: We need special equipment. Besides, I don’t want a sappy death scene this early in the story! As I got to the park, I hid in the trees, right as the police came running by. Ellen: But, but. The police won’t have gotten involved or know about her running away! She ran away of her desire, therefore nothing police can do. *gagged* Lancelot: Stop it! You been here longer than me and you are using logic?! Are you trying to kill yourself? *Ellen nods*. Hey! If I cannot go that way, neither can you. So calm down, get drunk and stop using logic! I turned my back on the path and started weaving in between the trees. I didn't worry about getting lost. I've always felt at home in the trees. It was very comforting, no matter where I lived, and who I lived with. Balian: I feel sorry for the trees. They must feel violated by this point to have to spend so much time with the Sue. *to the others* I think we can safely assume that this is a legomance. *sighs.* This character if I deign to call it that just gets stupider and stupider. I bet you that she will magically turn into an Elf when she arrives in Middle-Earth. Suddenly, I tripped on something. I looked over and saw a small red stone sticking from the ground. 'That's strange.' I thought. I crawled over to the red stone and reached my hand out to grab it, when suddenly I was enveloped in blinding white light. 'WHAT THE HELL?' I thought, covering my eyes. Galahad: Fail. I give you a fail for trying to be unique in the way that your Sue arrives in Middle-Earth. What really happened is the red stone consumed the Sue so she became fat, plain and diseased so nobody came near her. The loss of attention drove her to suicide and the world was free. THE END! Ellen: If only Galahad. If only. The scent of my gloves was the last thing I remembered before I crashed onto my back, still in a forest. "What. The. Hell?" I moaned, rolling over to my side. Lancelot: (as the Devil) Welcome to Hell. You are fouling my realm. Please fling yourself into the molten lava. We have popcorn waiting to be eaten for you die slowly. Don’t disappoint. "Who's there?" I froze. Was it the police? "This way, little ones. I heard something over there." I heard several people approaching. I rushed to my feet, trying to look for a place to hide. I spun around, spotting some bushes and started towards them, just as five people came from the very bushes. I slid to a stop, staring at them. There were three children standing behind a man with another child over his shoulder. Balian: Who else is confused? *all raise hands*. At least the complete lack of paraphrasing in this collection of words is confusing somebody else than me. *swigs alcohol.* We need to save the children from the Sue. Where is the grease, scissors, frumpy clothes and sign of her crush happily in a relationship with somebody else. Then we can sit back, point and laugh. Ellen: You feeling alright Balian? *He nods* So we have all become sadistic killers? This is going be fun. How many people spoke in that … I am not finishing that thought. Too much logic. I don’t want a migraine. "You didn't see me." I hissed, turning around to run. "Stop!" The man said. I froze again. "Where are you heading?" *All groan before shouting*: Of course there is no language barrier even though there is no English in Middle-Earth! "Away from my here." I said. "What? Did you want to take me somewhere? I'm so scared." I said, grinning sarcastically at him, my eyes narrowed. What WAS a man doing with four children? Was he some kind of pervert? Maybe it was that Michael Jackson I heard about. Ellen: *gags* Suethors, being rude is not being witty! Your character should be shot for her rudeness and for you breaking canon. Your character does not look independent and strong. She looks childish and whiney! I offer my services, free of charges. Also, Michael Jackson was found innocent in a court of law of molestation. *pauses* I am using too much logic. I have gone rusty. Although, I am working out that anger. He nodded, his face thoughtful as he looked over my features. I felt self-conscious at the stare, blushing a looking down at my feet, whiched seemed further away from me than I remembered. "We are currently heading to Rivendell. Would you like to join us?" I narrowed my eyes, my suspicion being raised. "We mean you no harm, Mistress." I looked around, realizing that I didn't have a plan. And I could easily escape from this man if I felt uncomfortable. The woods were my home. Balian: *mouth slightly open* I have the sinking feeling this is a tenth walker story. For the love of God, show some mercy on the poor Fellowship! Poor Rivendell even if for once, the spelling is right. We really send them a message and warn them. Lancelot: They have to suffer if we suffer. Besides, one sight of that Sue and the messenger will die. There is no hope against a Sue. She must have her “tru luv” while she tortures us. "Sure. Never heard of it, but any where's better than where I came from." He nodded and motioned that I should follow him. "I'm Bara Koorome, by the way." I said. Galahad: (as Bara Koorome) And I have come to outshine you all! You will be bow down to my awesomeness and will bow down at my feet more than the Ringbearer. For nobody can beat my speshful power. (back to himself) We really have become rusty. Ellen: *holds up sign* KILL THE SUE NOW! PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY! "I am Strider. This is Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Peregrin Took, and Meriadoc Brandybuck." I gave a small laugh. "What weird names." I said. Samwise, the fatter of the kids, gave me a small glare. "What?" Ellen: *furious* kids? KIDS?! THEY ARE FREAKING HOBBITS ! BRAVE, COURAGEOUS HOBBITS! MERRY HELPS TO KILL THE FREAKING WITCH KING! PIPPIN SAVES FARAMIR! SAMWISE HELPS FRODO DESTROY THE RING AND IS A NEVER-ENDING SUPPORT FOR FRODO. FRODO IS THE FREAKING RINGBEARERYOU STUPID INBREED SUETHOR, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF LUSTING FOR YOUR TARGET AND WATCH THE FREAKING MOVIES PROPERLY AT THE VERY LEAST!! *gagged* Balian: Although we agree with you, you will die of suffocating if you keep screaming and spitting and frothing at the mouth. "Your name is weird as well, Bara." He said. I gave a shrug. Lancelot: The score is Sam 1, Sue 0. He deserves a drink or ten for that. But poor Sam, she becomes the object of the Sue’s hatred as he is not lovable as the others no matter how brave he is canonically. "I can't help it that my useless, drug addicted mother gave me a name for a stupid flower." I said, grimacing. Galahad: Ah, we can tick off wangsty background off the list of Sue traits. How many times are we going to hear this story? Cause, she is getting no sympathy from me or my sword. Balian: We will hear it about an infinite amount of time and will be used as a way to excuse her behaviour and so she escapes punishment. She will get too much sympathy from the Sue!Characters. The canon ones are dead and buried. "So, how far is this River place?" I asked. Samwise looked scandalized. "Strider, I don't think we can trust her." He said. "What's with her outfit and that…thing?" He pointed to my bag and I looked down. I didn't see anything strange with my bag. *All sporkers cheer for Sam while Ellen holds up a sign “We love you Sam!”* Ellen: And this will last all of five minutes. Fun while it lasted. Your bonds are very loose Balian. I keep breaking out of them. 'Granted, not many people know about guard. I guess it's odd to be carrying around a wooden rifle that's meant for tossing. Man, I bet they'd be freaked if I had one of those Excaliburs.' I thought, grinning some, a laugh escaping my lips. Lancelot: *confused and angry* What is so funny? Who stole Arthur’s sword?! Galahad: Nobody did. She is just using the word to seem fancy and learned. She just looks dumb. What would be funny is Excalibur “accidentally” falling into her head while we all party at the end of the Sue. "She looks of no harm. Other than wearing strange garb and carrying a strange load, she looks kind enough. Besides, what would an elf have against you hobbits?" Strider said. Balian: Of course Strider does this. Oh logic has forsaken us big time. Logic and canon. Let me guess, Strider becomes like a brother or father figure to our Sue and we find out that she must fulfil a prophecy as the tenth walker NO MATTER THE SYMBOLISM BASED ON THE NINE. Ellen: Me not ranting? That is unusual. However, unfortunately this is completely the norm. *retches* It is a legomance I am sure of it now. *begins searching for suicide revolver* Balian: We have already looked. It is nowhere to be found. Ellen: I cannot give up hope. She has changed into an Elf, there is no wariness, she is at home in forests, I wanted this bleached out of my head. Lancelot took the last of the blodka after the last story. "Whatta now?" I asked, catching the words 'hobbits' and 'elf'. Samwise gave me a weird look again. Galahad: Well we can safely assume that poor Sam has taken Gimli’s role of being the pathetic Sue’s nemesis. (As Samwise) Strider’s plan for removing the Sue better work. I am sick of the urple bint already! Poor Mister Frodo having to be around such people when sick. "He's getting worse." Strider said, putting Frodo on the ground. He talked to Samwise for a second and they went off to look for something. Lancelot: Thank you for the script Suethor. At least we know you can transcribe. It saves us some misery from reading your god awful, clichéd, rubbish that you call a story. Was Strider too good looking for you to remember the atheleas scene or the desperation of Sam and Aragorn finding the plant? The state that Frodo was in? Where are Woads when you need them? Balian: Hiding. They don’t want to be near the Sue at all. "Can someone explain something to me?" I asked. "What are Hobbits, where am I, and why did he call me an elf?" I asked. "I'm not two feet high and I don't work in Santa's Happy Workshop." I said. Peregrin and Meriadoc looked at me like I was insane. Galahad: Here is a hint. You are. It has just taken you this much time to realise it. We figured it out on line one. Again Suethor, there is no wit or genius shown here. Your Sue looks petty and childish. If that is what you wanted, kudos. I assume it is not. "Well, Hobbits are what Sam, Merry, Frodo, and I are." Peregrin said. "We're Shirefolk. Not many people have heard of us. And as for where you are, you're currently three days away from the House of Elrond, lord of the elves, tis what Strider told us. And you're not two feet high, but you are an elf. And…who's Santa?" I looked at the kid like he was insane now. Ellen: I am speechless. That block is so stupid, I cannot think of something funny or rhetorical to make fun of it. I mean it is mind-boogling! I think I have been infected with the Stupid. *all knights move away from Ellen. Doors open, Himmler and SS march in and take Ellen out*. Balian: I did not expect that. So, it is left to us to finish this chapter out. "You poor deprived child." I said, shaking my head. "You're only ten years old, speaking of such weird things, and never heard of Santa. What lies have your parents been telling you all this time when all the other kids talk about Santa in school?" Lancelot: The hobbits were how old again during the war of the Ring? Balian: Frodo was over fifty, the others were in their late twenties, early thirties I think. Lancelot: Right, another Sue patronising the Hobbits *tick another box*. We are running out of things to tick without mention description. Are you sure that the Suethor does not have one of these beside them when writing? Balian: You can never be sure but they all share a brain so *shrugs* maybe it is just ingrained to annoy the normal people like you and me. *doors open again and Ellen is chucked back in. She shrugs and shakes her head.* "What are you talking about? Where did you-?" Merry was cut off as hooves were heard. We looked and saw a beautiful lady with dark hair and a pale face ridding up to Frodo. She got off, muttering things in a different language. Ellen: *sarcastic* It is only Arwen. She is not as speshful as the Sue so she gets little description. *normal* Actually, I think Arwen prefers this. It helps her from going mad. And me, it helps me from going mad. *guys stare at her.* Ok, madder than normal. See? I don't have the Stupid, luckily. "She's gorgeous." I breathed, my eyes wide. She looked up briefly to meet my eyes, her eyes widening a fraction, before concentrating on Frodo. *All sporkers*: of course she was shocked. Strider came into sight and bent down beside the lady. Samwise arrived, freezing as he saw the two beside his friend. Soon, Strider put Frodo on a horse, and Strider and the lady argued for a minute. Strider finally gave in and the lady mounted the horse and pointed at me. "Come, sister." She said. I looked around, and pointed to me. She nodded. "Hurry and get on." I furrowed my brow. I never rode a horse before, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to start. Strider pushed me up and I grabbed around the lady's waist for dear life. Galahad: SISTER?! That is not good is it? *Ellen and Balian shake heads*. Another stereotype meant to make the Sue more awesome and better than the lead character? *both nod heads* Sues are so damn predictable it should be funny. It is only funny when drunk. Which I need to become. "Arwen, ride hard, don't look back." Strider said before Arwen took off. Balian: Don’t you just love the screenwriters’ work? I certainly do. It makes the only sense. "Noro Lim, Asfaloth, Noro Lim!" Arwen said as the horse started galloping. I grabbed tighter, not liking the feel of riding a horse. Soon we were being followed by black horses with riders dressed in black. I bit my lip, not liking the looks, or sounds, of them. I heard Arwen mutter 'Noro Lim, Asfaloth!' as we approached a river. I gripped my bag, bouncing around from the galloping horse, as we started crossing the river. Lancelot: I am speechless from her lack of description. Peter Jackson did all that work which she is basing this work on for what? I betcha you alcohol that she never read the books. *pauses* No wonder, her description is missing; she was not looking at the work but the actors. *swigs alcohol* At least it makes sense, that is a tiny blessing for now. Have I become that desperate I count this as a blessing? *swigs more* "Are you sure you can out run these guys?" I called over the rushing river. The horse stopped as we reached the other bank, and the black riders stopped before the river. I was looking back at the riders, my green eyes wide, wondering why this woman was stopped. I counted nine of the weirdos. "Give up the halfling, she-elf!" One of them called. Arwen pulled out a sword. "If you want him, come and claim him!" She called. I looked at her as if she was insane. Ellen: YAWN! I am sick and tired of the script even if it is a brilliant script. It is demeaning to Fran Walsh and the other scriptwriter. I have forgotten their name, embarrassingly. I mean, seriously, we're just two people with a sick kid, against nine other guys? How did she hope to get out alive? Galahad: How did you seriously hope to pass English? Sleeping with the teacher does not count! 'This whole place is insane!' I thought wildly. 'Hobbits, elves, horse chases, black riders, swords? What did I get myself into?' The black riders started across the river. Balian: The question was not what you got yourself into but what did you get Middle Earth into. "Non o Chithaeglir, lasto Beth daer: Rimmo nin Briunen Dan in Ulaer! Non o Chithaeglir, lasto Beth daer: Rimmo nin Briunen Dan in Ulaer!" Arwen started to mutter. Suddenly, rushing water pushed the black riders away. I stared with wide eyes, feeling drops against my face. However, Frodo gasped for breath. Arwen took him down to the ground, trying to help him. I stayed on the horse, unsure of what to do. "Can you do anything?" She asked me, looking up. "What would I be able to do?" I asked, sliding off the horse, wincing as my bag hit me in the rump. "Run for help? Well, I'm not a good runner. I'm dead slow." "You might have healing abilities." She said, with some strange emotion in her eyes. I froze, shrugged and kneeled beside her. *all sporkers*: Of course she had. Lancelot: She certainly did not wait long to unmask her Sue under the jargon of text she has used as a ruse. Why do I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach? "Not guaranteeing anything, but I'll try. It's worth a shot." I said. I put my hand on his shoulder, wishing it to heal. That's how it worked in every movie and anime I've seen. Just put a hand to the shoulder, give a little mind power, and BAM, instant healing. I bit my lip, focusing my entire mind on the wound, wanting it to heal. I felt blood slide down my lip from where I was biting. I nearly gave up, until I saw Frodo slip into a peaceful sleep. "I guess it'll still hurt, but I think the poison slowed?" I asked, looking up at Arwen. She looked a little relieved and we got back on the horse, riding towards a valley. Ellen: Seriously?! SHE MADE HER SUE AS POWERFUL AS ELROND?! YOU FUCKING BITCH! THERE IS SACRILIGIOUS AND THERE IS SO SACRILIGIOUS THAT YOU DESERVE TO BURN SLOWLY, SO SLOWLY IT TAKES YEARS. *gagged* Lancelot: This is why I had the sinking feeling. You really need to calm down. |
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3:13 PM Jul 11