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Bara Koorome (reviews); unload your sorrow and anger here.
Topic Started: Aug 14 2011, 09:58 PM (319 Views)
athenarena
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Master of the Rings
The story can be found here: Bara Koorome
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Amarth
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Rising Again
Well, the first thing would be to make riffs shorter. I personally have the problem with this myself, so maybe I shouldn't be pointing the finger, but... :wasntme: Maybe rant the first time you write, re-read it before you post and cut out unnecessary parts? Maybe you can put them in later on.

Re-reading would be a good option anyway. Since you have worked off the steam first time around, you might notice something to poke fun at, like this one.

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I felt self-conscious at the stare, blushing a looking down at my feet, whiched seemed further away from me than I remembered.


Though it's totally okay to explode at stealing Elrond's flame. :mace:
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and pray you find me mad
for if you lay hands upon the root
you'll know me, without illusion
and find me guilty of the truth."
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If Voldemort kills us, we turn into sparkly vampires. Can we panic NOW?

Sincerely, Ron"


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MackenzieW
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The bad news is that Lancelot and Galahad took it to mean she would try to get drunk every night.


Watch your own tenses. This is the only line in that part that you write in present tense. It's is jarring.

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right as the police came running by.


The police don't investigate runaways that quickly, Suethor.

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We have popcorn waiting to be eaten for you die slowly.


That sentence makes no sense.

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Ellen: *furious* kids? KIDS?! THEY ARE FREAKING HOBBITS ! BRAVE, COURAGEOUS HOBBITS! MERRY HELPS TO KILL THE FREAKING WITCH KING! PIPPIN SAVES FARAMIR! SAMWISE HELPS FRODO DESTROY THE RING AND IS A NEVER-ENDING SUPPORT FOR FRODO. FRODO IS THE FREAKING RINGBEARERYOU STUPID INBREED SUETHOR, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF LUSTING FOR YOUR TARGET AND WATCH THE FREAKING MOVIES PROPERLY AT THE VERY LEAST!! *gagged*


Okay, I actually give the author credit here. The character has just landed in Middle-earth from our time. It seems Bara is one of those Sues who has little to no knowledge of Lord of the Rings. Since this is told in first person narrative, it's perfectly understandable that the Sue thinks the Hobbits are initially children and doesn't understand that they are adults. Get mad only if the Sue learns otherwise and continues to treat them this way.

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*all sporkers*: Of course she had.


I would advise writing that this way:

"All: Of course she had!" It looks better than how you have it.

I agree with Amarth that your riffs tend to run on the long side. While you may have a lot of information you want to get out, you have to consider readers. I tended to skim over your riffs just as much as I skimmed over the story. I had to force myself not to. Rants are good--but only effective if used sparingly.

I also advise rereading. Besides finding more things to poke fun at, you may also pick up on your own writing errors.

Any other questions, don't hesitate to ask!
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When the deep purple heaven turns blue
And start to pray
As I pray each day
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I lie in the loneliness of evening
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And ask the moon
Oh how soon, how soon
Will my love come home to me"--"Loneliness of Evening," Cinderella


"Thank you, Lord
You have brought us
Safe to shore
Be our strength and protection ever more.
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A Chriost dean trocaire
A Thiarna dean trocaire
A Chriost dean trocaire"--Heartland, as performed by Celtic Thunder


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Refia
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Paying Tribute to the Past
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Ellen: NOOOOOOOO! Not another freaking girl falls into Middle-Earth! *calms* Who the hell has a name like a Bara Koorome?
Lancelot: *pulls out checklist* Speshful name, bad background. One line in. Wow, this Sue is fast. Maybe her mother was drunk and just decided to put together as many letters to something that sounded retch-worthy?
Balian: You forgot one on the checklist. She has a guard rifle. Therefore, she has been trained and probably will later show off her awesome skills to save her true love. That is probably Legolas. *stares at Ellen.*
Ellen: *shrugs* I did not check if it was. I just went with the rule of probability in this fandom. Legolas.


One line in and already we know this much. That HAS to be a record. And Bara Koorome is a ridiculous name. Sounds more like something you'd name a planet or one of its moons. :huh:

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Balian: She needs to have a wangsty past that she can bemoan to her “tru luv” and have him fall more in love with her. It is decreed in the book of Sues written by Angey. *shudders and swigs the alcohol*. Is it bad we want her to die two lines in?
Others *stare at Balian*: NO!


Not bad at all! Though it is another record.

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Lancelot: Stop it! You been here longer than me and you are using logic?! Are you trying to kill yourself? *Ellen nods*. Hey! If I cannot go that way, neither can you. So calm down, get drunk and stop using logic!


That's rather harsh, Lancelot. :nod:

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Galahad: Fail. I give you a fail for trying to be unique in the way that your Sue arrives in Middle-Earth.


It's such a plot hole anyway. Why did nobody else find that stone? Where did it come from? What, were the Valar drunk one day that they just decided to toss random enchanted jewels across the dimensions?!

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Ellen: You feeling alright Balian? *He nods* So we have all become sadistic killers?


You'd be surprised how fast yiou go out of character when reading badfics.

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*All groan before shouting*: Of course there is no language barrier even though there is no English in Middle-Earth!


I long gave up even daring to hope for one. English = Westron, just go with it. -_-

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Suethors, being rude is not being witty!


They never get that, the idiots.

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Your character should be shot for her rudeness and for you breaking canon.


That never happens, unfortunately. :cry2:

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Your character does not look independent and strong.


They never get that, either. *sigh*

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We really have become rusty.


I have some oil here, and a scrub. Want me to make you all shiney again? :D

Quote:
 
Ellen: *furious* kids? KIDS?! THEY ARE FREAKING HOBBITS ! BRAVE, COURAGEOUS HOBBITS! MERRY HELPS TO KILL THE FREAKING WITCH KING! PIPPIN SAVES FARAMIR! SAMWISE HELPS FRODO DESTROY THE RING AND IS A NEVER-ENDING SUPPORT FOR FRODO. FRODO IS THE FREAKING RINGBEARERYOU STUPID INBREED SUETHOR, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF LUSTING FOR YOUR TARGET AND WATCH THE FREAKING MOVIES PROPERLY AT THE VERY LEAST!!


While your anger is justified, you have to admit that for someone who dropped in Middle-earth with no knowledge of it, Hobbits would appear as children. But still, any rage against the Sue and her author are good. :nod:

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*All sporkers cheer for Sam while Ellen holds up a sign “We love you Sam!”*
Ellen: And this will last all of five minutes.


Alas, I fear you are correct, Ellen.

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She has changed into an Elf, there is no wariness, she is at home in forests,


Thrice a Sue! This one doesn't exactly overflow with originality, does she? :mellow:

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Lancelot: Thank you for the script Suethor. At least we know you can transcribe. It saves us some misery from reading your god awful, clichéd, rubbish that you call a story. Was Strider too good looking for you to remember the atheleas scene or the desperation of Sam and Aragorn finding the plant?


To be fair, Lancelot, this story is bad enough already without the Suethor copy-pasting the film script.

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Galahad: Here is a hint. You are. It has just taken you this much time to realise it. We figured it out on line one. Again Suethor, there is no wit or genius shown here. Your Sue looks petty and childish.


Damn straight! And I really, really have to wonder why not a single one of these authors realises this? And age is no excuse, just look at Angey. Do they all really think they're creating a wonderfully original, likable character? Doesn't any of them ever wonder how they would react if they came across their own bloody Sue?!

Aargh, I hate the lack of logic. <_<

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Lancelot: The hobbits were how old again during the war of the Ring?
Balian: Frodo was over fifty, the others were in their late twenties, early thirties I think.


The day any of the Suethors realises this is the day pigs learn how to fly.

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*All sporkers*: of course she was shocked.


When are they ever not? *sigh*

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Galahad: SISTER?! That is not good is it? *Ellen and Balian shake heads*. Another
stereotype meant to make the Sue more awesome and better than the lead character? *both nod heads*


This is really the standard GIME format. Nothing new, nothing original, and certainly nothing interesting.

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Arwen, ride hard


I want a dodgy joke here, if only to break up the boredom of this shitty fic. :mellow:

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Lancelot: I am speechless from her lack of description. Peter Jackson did all that work which she is basing this work on for what?


Shits and giggles? :huh:

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Galahad: How did you seriously hope to pass English? Sleeping with the teacher does not count!


What a disturbing suggestion, Galahad! :X

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Ellen: Seriously?! SHE MADE HER SUE AS POWERFUL AS ELROND?! YOU FUCKING BITCH! THERE IS SACRILIGIOUS AND THERE IS SO SACRILIGIOUS THAT YOU DESERVE TO BURN SLOWLY, SO SLOWLY IT TAKES YEARS.


You said it! This is too much. This is just too much. It took all of Elrond's skill (if I remember well) to heal Frodo! ALL of ELROND's skill, Elrond being one of the last powerful Elf lords of Middle-earth!

Gaah, what a horrible Sue. She's just so stereotypically standard and bland. She's the type of Sue you link to when asked "what's a Sue?". "Just read this, that's your standard Sue," and this link, that's all you'd need to make people understand.

Good luck with this, Rena.

*gives alcohol*
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Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
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MD1618
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Seer of Visions
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Balian: Is it bad we want her to die two lines in?
Others *stare at Balian*: NO!

It's a bad sign for the author, but not for the sporkers! :D

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"What. The. Hell?" I moaned, rolling over to my side.

Lancelot: (as the Devil) Welcome to Hell. You are fouling my realm. Please fling yourself into the molten lava. We have popcorn waiting to be eaten for you die slowly. Don’t disappoint.

Heheheh. :evil:

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Ellen: *gags* Suethors, being rude is not being witty! Your character should be shot for her rudeness and for you breaking canon. Your character does not look independent and strong. She looks childish and whiney!

Agreed!



Amarth,Aug 14 2011
10:15 PM
Well, the first thing would be to make riffs shorter. I personally have the problem with this myself, so maybe I shouldn't be pointing the finger, but...  :wasntme: Maybe rant the first time you write, re-read it before you post and cut out unnecessary parts? Maybe you can put them in later on.

I have to do this a lot. Typically I re-read at least three or four times (including when I add BB Code) before posting. Sometimes I add a line or two, sometimes I remove or condense. Sometimes I break a complex thought up between several sporkers, when I can do so while staying reasonably true to their characterizations. Remember: The rule of funny is "The shorter, the funnier." Or something like that.

The advantage of this is that, when you do let a character go on a lengthy rant, it's more effective because it's unusual.
Lust. What a strange fate that we should suffer so much angst and annoyance over such a small thing.”

Why, it’s the wonderful magic of wish fulfillment!

Do, or do not. There is no think with the Mary Sue.
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