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| Rebirth of the Dark Crusader | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 23 2007, 08:42 PM (169 Views) | |
| Post #1 Jun 23 2007, 08:42 PM | Dark-Crusader |
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The date is June 26, 1583 AD, the Crusader has been dead for 3 years. He died at the old age of 124. He was hated by the English, loved by the Irish, and well known over Europe. (Setting: Ireland June 26, 1583 AD) News reached Ireland of a massive invasion force led by a grand Persian Empire. The king of Ireland called for a Grand Alliance of the Irish, English, and the Scots. The War Pact was signed three days later. The alliance put their heads together and tried to think of a course of action. They all came to the same conclusion. No matter where or when the battle took place they do not have sufficient force to defeat this vicious horde of blood thirsty Persians. But the Irish king, Lord Mon tar the 1st, thought of one "MAN" that would have the sufficient amount of force to turn the tide in battle, but unfortunately the man was dead. Luckily when he expressed his opinion, the English king, Sir Henry the II, told the council of kings of a man of weird happenings in his country. He said his name is Merdin, commonly known to others as Merlin. The kings went to Merdin and explained the situation and asked what he could do for them. Merdin explained that in order to bring back a soul of that magnitude, they would have to journey to the unholy temple a weeks travel away. As well as the blood of the kings. So they went to find the unholy temple. Merdin began mixing potions and other solutions. Finally it was time, in the temple was a stone coffin of great evil. Merdin fused the potions and solutions with the blood of all the kings and closed the coffin. The ground started shaking, and in one quick motion a bolt of lightning struck the coffin from the sky. The coffin opened from the inside. The Crusader rose and stepped out of the coffin, but something was different. Darkness emitted off of him, his eyes were pure white. He asked why he had been summoned from the afterlife. After explaining there situation the Crusader agreed to help, but still he was different. His armor pure Black. His sword emitting dark energy. He is no longer know as the Crusader, but the.......... DARK CRUSADER (Respond to this, tell me what you think, and if you have any adventures you want to see him in respond) |
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| Post #2 Jun 23 2007, 10:09 PM | Project.Seeds |
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Let this be a notice: Your banner is way too big, Please take care of that. Thanks. And for the story, It's ok, One of the better things i've seen from you, But there are always things to make it better.
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![]() ![]() "Humankind Cannot Gain Anything Without First Giving Something In Return. To Obtain, Something Of Equal Value Must Be Lost. That Is Alchemy's First Law Of Equivalent Exchange." "Water, 35 liters;Carbon, 20 kilograms; Ammonia, 4 liters;Lime 1.5 Kilograms. Phosphorus 800 grams. Salt 250 grams; Saltpeter, 100 grams: Sulfur, 80 grams; Fluorine, 7.5; iron, 5, silicon 3 grams; and trace ammounts of 15 other elements.... The Ingredients To A Human Body, Down To The Last Specs In Your Eyelashes." Kill a man, And your a MANSLAYER..... Kill them all? And You're a GOD..... | |
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| Post #3 Jun 23 2007, 10:29 PM | Flak |
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By ye Gods, that'd one hell of a signature! Anyhow... He died at the age of One-Hundred and Twenty Four in '1583 AD.' In that time, modern medicine and scientific fact didn't exist; It was a rare blessing to see a man live past the age of forty. Plus, don't you think he's rather elderly to be waging war at such an impossible age? Anyhow, it was mildly interesting, to say the least. Not much originality, nor is it very detailed, articulated, or elaborate. Overall, a reasonably average setup. However, there's always room for enhancement. If you can put some time into the work, develop your characters, smooth out the basic plot into a more epic, unique storyline, then it might have some potential. I can only hope that this shall improve in the near future. -Flak |
Bag 'em and Tag 'em!
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![]() -I thank Seeds for this Banner. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RPing Information: Legend by Crimson Knight. ------ Status: Mostly Malevolent. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | |
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| Post #4 Jun 24 2007, 02:34 PM | Craggon |
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I like the setting and story, my only concerns are the type of writing and the grammar (aye its not much but i see things that annoy me and feel the writer should know). Type - Is the setting accurate to actual times and happenings, or is it based on it sort of like a parrallel universe where its close but not quite the same? For instance, there was technically no Persian Empire at that time, it was the Safavid dynasty (link to them and the empires/dynasties/etc. between the times of Persia and modern day). But if its not meant to be completely accurate then it wouldnt matter, and would be nicer since the Persians are more well known. Grammar - It said "the English king, Sir Henry the II" ... 2 things to bring up with this: it would be King Henry II, the "the" is implied with the II, it would be like calling him Henry the Jr. ... and if he is the king, then he wouldnt be Sir Henry, it would be King Henry, being king takes precedent over being a knight. There's my input, take it or leave it.
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Nemesis
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Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! | |
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| Post #5 Jun 24 2007, 05:46 PM | Dark-Crusader |
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1st Craggon 1. Its F I C T I O N. 2. Not based on real facts. 3. In the story there were 3 kings so i was saying which king it was. 4. Again, category "F A N F I C T I O N". Flak 1. I said he died 3 years prior so in 1580 ad he died. 2. I should have said that when they brought him back he was the physical age of 20 or so. 3. Thank you for your input. Again Craggon READ READ READ READ READ THE THE THE CATEGORY CATEGORY CATEGORY CATEGORY CATEGORY CATEGORY CATEGORY, BEFORE BEFORE BEFORE, QUESTIONING THE INFORMATION WITH HISTORICAL FACTS. ONCE AGAIN ITS IN FAN FICTION SO IT IS FICTION. AND BY HAVING SIR IN IT, TO ME, LOOKS BETTER. Seeds Your input is greatly appreciated, ill fix the banner. EVERYONE ELSE Input is good, but if you want a specific story line to see ill work on it after the war. |
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| Post #6 Jun 24 2007, 08:29 PM | Craggon |
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Alright, first off, tone it down. I know what the category is, and i never said its fact, i asked if its based off of fact or if it is just some complete fiction that happens to have the same names of kingdoms/empires. Fact Based Fiction is still Fiction, so maybe you should read more closely what I say before you respond, especially in such a fashion. Secondly, I said take it or leave it, so you should have left it be if you didnt like it. Thirdly, Sir would not be used in such an instance, it is used on those who have been knighted and do not have a higher rank; a Lord would never be called a Sir for lack of respect and proper title use, and a King would definately never be called a Sir. Whether based on fact or fiction. Fourth, you could say it: Luckily when he expressed his opinion, King Henry II of England told the council of kings of a man of weird happenings in his country. This would get the point across quickly, showing the respect a king deserves, without confusion. |
Nemesis
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Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! | |
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| Post #7 Jun 24 2007, 08:52 PM | Dark-Crusader |
| well im sorry, and i just took some that is real and made some up. |
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7:18 PM Jul 10