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| The Imperial South (Revised x1); Another story I wrote a while back. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 26 2007, 04:46 PM (109 Views) | |
| Post #1 Jun 26 2007, 04:46 PM | Craggon |
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NOTE: This is not complete, nor is it fully checked for errors or the little things that make a story sound...better. Background: It was always known that the two nations of the Southern Pass were at war in every way possible, save having a military battle. Neither of them decided to fight through conventional means, instead they resorted to forming raiding parties of a handful of cavalry that pillage and plunder the enemy towns. Because of this, they hurtled into never ending uproar and chaos. But then again, everyone knew that some day it would boil down to the inevitable battle that would decide it all. The pride and joy of the Eastern Empire, the Dragon Knight Guild, were all about battle; in the beginning. However, as the time passed the results of the chaos had shifted their beliefs and they had decided against aiding their empire’s cruel battle. Their leader, Baron Kriss II, led a council of guilds called the Dragon Knight Alliance. The Baron assembled the council one night; their business was kept a secret for the next week as supplies were run more often and in greater quantity. People began to flock from the cities of the Eastern Empire to join their guilds in the alliance. Amongst the fray, many raiding parties were assembled to stop those who fled. Kriss II led a contingent of soldiers into the block in hopes of negotiating with them until the people were to safety. The Empire’s captain did not see need for negotiation, and commenced battle as soon as the Baron’s troops arrived. All of those who wanted to get around the soldiers did so during the battle; once the Baron saw this he ordered a slow retreat, confident in his troops’ ability. The soldiers accompanying the Baron were still young and foolish, however, and they fell under the seasoned warriors of the Empire. The last man standing was the Baron himself, holding his own against many of the warriors until they surrounded him, sending spear after spear into him from all sides. The troops tied the body to its horse and faced it toward the Empire. When they did not return the Dragon Knight Guild became worried and sent out a scout, the man returned with the body of the Baron and a single coin that had been placed in his hand as a fair for the ride to the afterlife. When news reached the heir of the Baron, the new Dragon Knight leader Baron Tiberius I, he was furious and vowed revenge. This became known as the Great Separation, the Dragon Knight Alliance finishing detaching themselves from the Empire, and building upon their already thriving community of Guilds. In the time to come after this event, they all led attacks against the empires; only targeting the corruption itself and sparing the innocent citizens. They removed anything they saw as a threat against those who still remained innocent through the chaos of the Southern Pass. In a bloody attack, the Eastern Empire slew the Western Empire’s king; after absorbing their now leaderless enemy into their own empire, they turned their attention toward the Dragon Knight Alliance, building forces for an all out attack. Intro: The new empire that had formed donned the name ‘The Imperial South’, and had gone through a period of reform to merge the defenses to form the Imperial Wall and build up their cities to a height they had never before seen. Although the Empire seemed to be doing quite well, its citizens saw through these lies and the deceit, growing more and more unwelcoming to the sources of wealth the empire uses to build itself up. The Dragon Knight Alliance exploited the peoples’ dislike in the empire to invoke small rebellions within the city, drawing some of the troops from the assault that was soon to begin. But this did not stop the empire from attacking; they had gathered half of their legions and were already marching toward the first keep in the way of their victory over the Alliance. It was at Caer Storch that the first battle took place, the Imperial forces had setup their siege placements and positions troops for the assault. It wasn’t long before the siege began and the Alliance forces were under large scale attack for the first time by the empire… Chapter 1 “Reinforce the walls here!” yelled a young commander, “Where are the supply runners?” he questioned a lower officer overseeing this part of the defense. “There, sir, they’re almost here!” he replied. “Good, help them pick up the pace…” he said, trailing off as he ran toward the wall where a soldier was keeping guard. “Watch out!” he yelled, diving into the man and carrying him several feet back, narrowly dodging another hit from an enemy palintone. “Thank you, sir!” shouted the man, stunned by his narrow escape from joining the death toll. “Just keep watch next time, I don’t have the time to watch everyone’s back, but I do what I can.” “Sir, repair has begun on the wall!” “Good, divert the enemy fire, North by North West.” “Aye-Aye, sir!” said the eager cadet as he ran off to do a counter-attack on the enemy siege weapons attacking that wall. “Craggon, I need your men to take out the first enemy outpost on this side of the keep, its moderately guarded, but mainly siege rather than melee; which will make it all the easier.” Said the second in command of the keep defense. “Yes sir, ‘t will be an honor!” said the young commander, Craggon. “Squad! Assemble!” issued Craggon to his war-torn band of defenders. “Sir!” they chimed together. ***** The air was damp and dusty, the sky, red with the rising sun, and the ground filled with rubble from fallen pieces of wall, as the war-band left the hidden passage from the keep, headed out on their mission of demolition. Craggon had given them a motivational departure speech before they left, reminding them who they are and what they fight for, of their families they defend and aid; of every possible life saved by the death of each foe, of the tales of their adventures that would stand the test of time, inspiring future generations to come for a very long time. As they made their journey to the first enemy outpost they encountered little opposition, and found themselves there in no time, at which point they set up to swiftly take out all that stand between them and their objective with minimal injury. “Sharpen yer blades and nock yer arrows, there be enemies to kill, and plenty o’ ‘em too.” “Aye, we head out in three minutes time, be ready!” commanded Craggon, who then took off to see what activity the enemy had been up to. “Anything yet?” he asked one of the watchmen. “Nothing yet, sir, all clear and calm as ever.” He responded with a grin. “Good, almost go time.” Craggon responded. A minute later the rest of the band joined up with him, who had called in all the watchmen and went over the plan again quickly before setting off into the enemy outpost. “Draw yer weapons now so we don't ruin the surprise,” whispered Craggon to his men, unsheathing his own sword in the process. The men followed suit and drew various weapons, readying them for combat. As they waited for the command the troops thought back to the seperation, reinforcing their beliefs as to why they were here and why they were at war. The death of Baron Kriss II came to their minds as they thought of the battle to come, hoping that if they died they would do it with as much courage as their leader had in the first battle fought with the empire. "Sir, permission to ask a question?" asked one of the soldiers in a hushed tone. "Permission Granted" replied Craggon. "Can we do this for your uncle?" he pondered. Craggon had been thinking back to the death of his uncle as well, he nodded and raised his sword in the air. They were all still for a few moments, then the command came, "For the Alliance! FOR BARON KRISS II!!" he shouted as he led the band in an all out charge on the rear of the outpost, taking the men inside by surprise. ***** Craggon charged at the enemy outpost a short distance in front of his men, giving the false impression he had come alone on his foes. Arrows were released, daggers thrown, and spells hurled, some missing, some blocked, others evaded. He tore into the first few enemies with ease, his blade cutting through them like a hot knife through butter. The first line, having worn leather, were no match for his enchanted blade, crafted for quick, precise blows, and backed up by brute force for maximum efficiency in damage output. The second line however wore a mix of studded-leather and chain-mail armors, which proved to be more formidable of defense against his blade, but still quite outmatched, especially as by this time the rest of the band had broken the tree line and were in a top speed sprint to their foes. Standing strong, fairly weakened by an arrow and spell here and there not avoided, Craggon was finishing off the second line by the time his band got to him; they all gathered for a war-cry before loosening their formation and wedging their way through the now plate wearing defenders, in larger numbers than the previous two lines. The assaulting force, though very much so outnumbered, was far greater in experience, ability, and strength than their opposition, making it quite easy to break through into the core of the outpost, to take out the siege emplacements there. With the last enemy soldier killed, Craggon rushed toward the siege placement and employed his sword to cutting the thing into ruin. This completed, the group turns to go to the next one and finds a unit of Imperial soldiers rushing toward them. “Men, to me, FORMATION!” yelled Craggon, his men following orders and forming alongside him in a dual line defense facing the enemies; the warriors upfront and archers behind. In unison the men followed the fluid movements of their captain, raising their shields, sheathing swords, and brandishing javelins. “Take Aim!” he yelled, an immediate response was noticeable from his unit, all raising their chosen projectiles up high and taking aim at the approaching enemy. “Fire!” he yelled, a barrage of arrows and javelins approaching the enemy, felling almost one enemy for each projectile launched. Almost instantly the men nocked another arrow or shouldered another javelin, fluently following the silent command of their captain as he took another enemy down. The archers continued to do this as the front line fitted a long-spear into a hand and readied their shields on the opposite arm. The line moved closer and they all linked shields in a wall-like formation, just fitting the last shield in place as the body of enemies collided with Craggon’s group of soldiers. “Stand strong, men!” he yelled, the men shooting their strongest leg back for support and pressing forward with the other leg, readying their spears. At a silent command, the line slightly lowered the shield wall, just enough to stab at the enemies with their spears, before raising it back up. They did this for some time before the force overwhelmed the wall and many men were about to fall from lack of support. It was at this time that the commander shouted a command to release formation and engage the enemy at will. The force was reasonably smaller now, and the band of warriors engaged them with their blood-thirsty spears in conventional warfare means. A stab here and a jab there, some men wore out their spears enough that they snapped off; these men flung the remaining piece forward to injure an approaching foe before unsheathing a long-sword and applying it against the next foe that crossed their path. He was in the thick of the battle, spear now discarded and sword drawn, when he saw the brutish man rush toward him swinging a large two-handed axe. Ducking to get out of the way of the beastly weapon, it shattered his shield; the brute looked at him with a grin and raised his axe, but did not expect what would happen next. Drawing a second blade, Craggon circled his opponent just before the thing lodged his axe in the ground; running up the things now hunched back, he raised his right hand and let it fall, blade facing down, straight into the spine of the beast, taking the other sword and delivering the final blow. His enemies were stunned by the display of dexterity and prowess by their foes captain, and the ease at which he defeated their greatest soldier. Now routing back to their main force, the men were easy pickings for the archers, those who stayed faced the wrath of the mighty defenders, reforming in a line and approaching, joined by their captain who leapt from the beast of a man to join them in the charge… |
Nemesis
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Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! | |
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| Post #2 Jun 26 2007, 07:13 PM | DaFranker |
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Nice job. I can see a few spots where there could be a bit more content or "interest-raiser" stuff, and some places are a bit squirmish in the way the events are told. However, by looking at more recent writing from you, I assume that most were mistakes you would be swift to avoid or correct now. In a more advanced fashion, the book has some nice flows and currents, but they seem to somehow lack some... consistence. It's almost as if you had pieced together stuff that would look like they'd fit, which naturally never works. I do emphasize the "almost", since the flaw is barely distinguishable even for an experienced reader. As a writer, it's important to see those "currents" and give them a direction, otherwise the text will seem good but will lack something that most people won't be able to explain properly. If we get back to the basics, you've obviously mastered the arts of crafting characters and groups of characters, and their actions are (mostly) very well-presented. The environment and setting -- along with the all-too-important "mood" and "atmosphere" elements -- seem strongly built, but I'd have to read more in order to make any more helpful criticism (I haven't read The Chronicles of Craggon yet, sadly). As for "the touch", that little nifty thing that makes it show you're a good writer and captivates the reader -- it's there, no doubt about it. It was disturbed by a few elements that were slightly odd (such as the moment when Craggon orders the charge from the woods, which seems to come too quickly immediately after he tells his men to draw their weapons -- I'd recommend adding something there to fill up the "blank space"), but it still remained generally steady throughout the story. I'll go read the chronicles as soon as I get the chance, along with those dozen other novels and books that are just lying around here waiting for me to read 'em. I've got lots of catching-up to do... |
Crusader (6)
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| Post #3 Jun 26 2007, 11:46 PM | Craggon |
| Aye, i thank you and will edit this at a later date. The Chronicles of Craggon is a book i did before this, so it may be even worse, but it is longer and more complete. The Craggons are not one in the same, as you will find out. It is a name i have taken pride in making and using. |
Nemesis
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Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! | |
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7:18 PM Jul 10