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| War of the Crusader | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 27 2007, 06:37 PM (168 Views) | |
| Post #1 Jun 27 2007, 06:37 PM | Dark-Crusader |
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After being resurrected, the Dark Crusader went to England, Scotland, and Ireland to inspect the troops. He thought they were a pathetic army, but he had no choice. He rounded his men and set forth on his mission. The armies would meet in present day Russia. When they got to the intended location, they built a wooden fortification. The Persian Army arrived and the two armies battled it out. The Persians had the number advantage. While the Persians were winning, the Crusader gathered his energy and Raised the dead soldiers on both sides to give the Allies (England, Scotland, and Ireland) the advantage and the win. After the battle the Persians surrendered and the Crusader met up with the kings. The kings thanked him and offered him gold and riches, but the Crusader thought of a better and bigger reward. After the battle the Allies were a crippled group. The Crusader drew his sword and stuck them down. He took over and created the first Crusader Empire. Making himself the almighty EMPEROR. |
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Knight of the Unholy Order
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LOL Hilarious Many more funny thins at : http://www.superhonda.com/forum/f17/inspir...al-pics-320779/
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| Post #2 Jun 27 2007, 07:20 PM | Craggon |
| Wow, never did i think i would see someone go through and inspect the armies before they even left their countries, fight an entire battle and summon undead to help win, slay those he helped win, and forge his own empire.....in such little ammount of text. Not to pry here but, can you add in any elaboration at all? |
Nemesis
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Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! | |
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| Post #3 Jun 28 2007, 09:43 AM | Dark-Crusader |
| well i was a little tired when i did it i can edit later |
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Knight of the Unholy Order
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LOL Hilarious Many more funny thins at : http://www.superhonda.com/forum/f17/inspir...al-pics-320779/
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| Post #4 Jun 28 2007, 12:25 PM | Project.Seeds |
| his post was almost as long as your story... |
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![]() ![]() "Humankind Cannot Gain Anything Without First Giving Something In Return. To Obtain, Something Of Equal Value Must Be Lost. That Is Alchemy's First Law Of Equivalent Exchange." "Water, 35 liters;Carbon, 20 kilograms; Ammonia, 4 liters;Lime 1.5 Kilograms. Phosphorus 800 grams. Salt 250 grams; Saltpeter, 100 grams: Sulfur, 80 grams; Fluorine, 7.5; iron, 5, silicon 3 grams; and trace ammounts of 15 other elements.... The Ingredients To A Human Body, Down To The Last Specs In Your Eyelashes." Kill a man, And your a MANSLAYER..... Kill them all? And You're a GOD..... | |
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| Post #5 Jun 28 2007, 06:01 PM | Dark-Crusader |
| well it was a add on to the Rebirth of the Dark Crusader |
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Knight of the Unholy Order
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LOL Hilarious Many more funny thins at : http://www.superhonda.com/forum/f17/inspir...al-pics-320779/
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| Post #6 Jun 29 2007, 01:26 AM | InfernoTsunami |
| Still, that doesn't give you the ability to have massive events occur within a sentence or two. You have to write out the details, thats what make stories more interesting. Take Harry Potter for example. You can sum up the entire book in less than a paragraph (probably) but all of the books are several hundred pages long. Thats because J.K. Rowling included very descriptive, well placed details. That is one of the many things that all of your stories lack. Hell, I could write a story in three words and it would be complete. 'Jack went home'. Now, if i put detail into it. 'Jack walked down the old sidewalk. It had cracks that seemed to stretch on for miles, so many that you couldn't help but feel it was just gravel under your feet. Jack approached his light brown yard. He looked up from his sneakers at his dilapidated house. The peeled off paint seemed to be part of the decor, just like the cracked window and the shutter hanging only by a single screw.' See? Just that amount of detail turned those three words into a short story. Actually make an effort to put some work into the detail of your story. Only then will you actually improve. |
Space Cowboy
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| Post #7 Jun 29 2007, 08:22 AM | Craggon |
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I have read many books with battles, they usually dedicate chapters (of 10 or more paragraphs of 3 to 5 or more sentences each) to finish the battle. Hell, one book i read earlier on that came before the last few ive read in a series, apart from the first few chapters of prelude to the battle, the entire book was the battle. Grunt and I have, in our book, the main character beginning in the swamp and making his way through until he meets a demon that he slays, enters a town in the swamp that his sister, which he has never met, is mayor of, and escapes a mob with his sister's friend. Thats all we have so far and its about 5-6 chapters of 10 or more lengthy paragraphs. Even if you were 'tired when you did it', save it and add upon it before putting it out, it will make it much better to the public eye. If i see something that is lacking a lot in detail and hear there is going to be a revision, i may read it, may not. If i hear there is an addition to a story coming out, but it is currently being finished up, i may even be eager to read it. What you have now, i would say, is an outline. You know what the chapter will be about, but have yet to actually write it. I look forward to seeing the actual thing itself once it is written, the plot looks fine and what happens is....alright. I didnt see the necromancy coming and it kinda made it a gay way to win, imo, cause he raised enough to turn the tide very easily, so he must have either an endless supply of power, or it must have sapped all his strength, which it obviously didnt from what he went on to do. Hope you dont mind if i add here what i want more elaboration on, as a fan of the genre you are writing: 1) Dont even need to know how big the Persian army is, tell me the ratio between them and the underdogs, then tell me in the beginning when he goes around: What do they have in their army (ranged, ballistae, trebuchet, cavalry, footmen (if so pikemen, swordsman, etc.)) and say how many they have. This makes it so you dont give a straight number for the persians, but make me have to piece together how many they have by saying, "Ok, the British have 2 squads of archers, 2 ballistae, 1 trebuchet, etc....the Scottish have...the Irish have...wow, now thats only part of how much the persian horde has?" Makes it more interesting. 2) How did they get to modern day Russia? Which army did he travel with, if any of them at all. How long did it take and what were the thoughts of the main character, as well as the troops headed to what they perceive as their deaths. 3) How many dead soldiers did he raise? How is it that he has such vast power yet still can go on to do what he does later without huge penalty. (dependant on how many he raises, of course.) 4) How did he 'strike them down' ? Did he just kill the kings and tell the men they were his to command? Did he kill them and have to fight to gain control of the men and their land, etc. And what happened to the raised soldiers, are they still around or did the spell run out of time/power, the crusader lifted the spell, etc. If these are added in it should be, if done right, a nice addition. |
Nemesis
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Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN! | |
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| Post #8 Jun 29 2007, 08:30 AM | crimson knight |
| You seriously lost my interest after the first one of these stories. Sorry, but that's just the way it is. I have been paying attention to the comments you receive to see if you have improved, but, judging from the comments on this and other stories you've made, I'd say you haven't. If you get constructive criticism and don't listen to it, you won't get any better. |
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Rie Kugimiya>>>>>Norio Wakamoto
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7:17 PM Jul 10