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The Legend of the Crimson Knight; chapter one
Tweet Topic Started: Jul 1 2007, 09:55 PM (136 Views)
Post #1 Jul 1 2007, 09:55 PM crimson knight
Celia Reland, a proud mother of two, sat and watched her boys playing in the front yard of their small cottage. A cool wind blew the boys’ laughter to their adoring mother’s ears. They were twins, both six years old now, and were two of the best children anyone could ever hope for. Dynoth, the oldest by two minutes, was a thin boy, whose light brown hair always stuck out randomly in every direction. Kenthar was slightly shorter than his sibling, but made up for it in muscle. His black, spiky hair mirrored his reckless personality and fiery temper. However, the most important detail of the two was their eyes. Dynoth’s eyes were completely black, which still caught his mother off guard at times. Kenthar’s, however, were dark red, the color of blood. Such unnaturally colored eyes meant only one thing. The twins belonged to a new race that had begun to spring up—dreadnaughts.

Dreadnaughts were evil creatures, but they were also incredibly powerful. Some reports showed a single dreadnaught flattening an entire city. For some reason, which no one knew, only male children received carried on the dreadnaught blood. This meant that the dreadnaughts had to produce through more… forceful means. As a result, dreadnaughts rarely knew their fathers, which was the case for Dynoth and Kenthar. However, the power did not manifest itself until adulthood. Celia was safe, for now.

The mother tried as hard as she could to raise her children to be good. However, the townspeople did not trust the twins. They were shunned in the village, and constantly suffered the insults of anyone that saw them. However, with their mother’s guidance, they grew up to be fine young men. It seemed they would not turn out to be evil after all. Little did they know, their eighteenth birthday would shatter their family, and break apart everything the twins knew.

“Hey! Wait for me!” Kenthar called after his brother.
“You’ll never be able to keep up with me, will you?” Dynoth taunted.
The two had run this route many times, and, although he was the weaker of the two, Dynoth had always been faster. The trees whipped by the two as they entered the tree line of the great forest near their house. The two shouted back and forth as they ran until they finally reached their destination. Dynoth slowed to allow Kenthar to catch up, and the two entered the clearing together.

This clearing, which they had found several years ago, was very special to the twins. They had spent long hours talking to each other about what they planned to do when they were older. Now, they came to talk for one last time.

“What are you planning to do brother?” Kenthar asked.
Dynoth replied, “I don’t know. I really haven’t ever given it much thought. What of you?”
“I’m not sure either,” Kenthar said, scratching his head, “All I know is that I want to leave this place. I will not be able to survive here.”
The two stared at each other awkwardly, but it was Dynoth who broke the silence.
“We should get back. Mother will be worried.”
Kenthar nodded in agreement, and started to walk back the direction he had come. However, he quickly noticed his brother was not following. He slowly turned to see what his brother was doing, and gasped in shock at what he saw.

Dynoth was breathing heavily, and his jet black eyes burned with fury. Faintly, a black mist began to swirl around him.
“What is this?” Dynoth asked, but even as the question left his lips, he knew what was happening. His power was surfacing. The black mist thickened, covering Dynoth’s entire body. Soon the mist began to morph, creating spiked, black armor with a long black cape. Two ghostly white eyes glowed from behind the dark helm. The new Dynoth floated into the air on his black magic, laughing maniacally all the way. Suddenly he stopped, and looked down at Kenthar.
“Now, brother, I shall destroy that which has caused us so much pain.”
Kenthar was confused at his brother’s meaning, but his questions were quickly answered. Dynoth flew with incredible speed toward the village, black flames glowing in either hand.

Kenthar sprinted through the forest, hoping to reach the village in time to stop his brother. However, as he approached he could already hear the fires and cries for help. He rushed to his house, hoping to find it undamaged, but found it devastated. Flames had collapsed the roof, and the rest of the house was barely standing.
“Mother! Where are you?” he cried, hoping she was still alive. He found her in the living room, pinned under a fallen beam.
“Don’t worry, I’ll get you out,” he said frantically as he began pulling with all his might at the beam.
“I’m sorry,” Celia said through gasps of breath, “I thought I could stop it. I failed you.”
Even as Kenthar pulled on the beam, the last breath of life escaped his mother.

Kenthar weeped over his mother, hating his brother for doing such a deed. The dreadnaught power had consumed Dynoth, causing him to kill everything in the town, even his mother. Soon, the building began to collapse, and Kenthar was forced to leave his mother’s body. As he exited the house, his brother stood on the other side of the street, waiting.
“You killed her,” Kenthar said, tears streaming down his face, “You killed her you bastard.”

As he faced his brother, Kenthar soon felt a strange feeling inside himself. It was power like he had never felt before. He felt it building up inside him, and his entire body began to glow with a white light. Kenthar knew he was becoming a dreadnaught, and he feared it. He did not want to become a monster like his brother. However, as the transformation continued, he noticed that he did not feel any different. He did not feel evil at all.

Kenthar’s body began to morph, just as Dynoth’s had. However, the armor that was forming was much smoother. Kenthar could feel his power totally now, but was very surprised to find he still felt no evil within himself. He reached out with his hands, as if to grab something in front of him. From his two hands sprouted a giant blade. The steel gleamed brightly from the glow of Kenthar’s body, but the transformation was still not done. Two wings spread out from behind Kenthar. Their white feathers flowed majestically in the breeze. Kenthar took his sword in one hand, slashing it through the air, and bringing both hands to his sides. As he completed the movement, the glow that had covered his body flew off and dissipated, revealing the armor that had formed underneath. Kenthar’s armor shone blood red, covering his entire body. His helm looked like the face of death itself, and two glowing red eyes shone from the eye holes.

“Interesting,” Dynoth muttered, “Come, we have much work to do.”
Kenthar’s reply came as a great surprise to Dynoth, “No. I am not the same as you. I do not feel hatred toward mankind. I only feel hatred for you.”
With that he assumed a fighting stance, and continued, “Right here and now, I swear that I will kill you.”
Dynoth was sent back on his heels by the challenge, but quickly recovered his composure.
“Alright then, brother. If you will betray me, I will teach you a very valuable lesson. Traitors deserve only death!”
Dynoth, too, went into a fighting stance, and the twins began their face off.

Kenthar was the first to strike. He dashed forward, his feet not even touching the ground. His massive blade flashed through the air toward Dynoth, but the twin leaped into the air, hovering on dark magic. With a strong burst of air from his mighty wings, Kenthar followed his brother into the skies. Kenthar tried to strike his brother once more, but his blow was blocked by a magical barrier.
“You are to weak to defeat me,” Dynoth explained to his brother.
As Kenthar tried with all his newfound might to break through Dynoth’s barrier, he did not even see his brother’s attack coming. A black orb had been charging in Dynoth’s right hand, and he released it straight into Kenthar’s chest. The power of the blow was unbelievable to Kenthar, and the wind shot out of his lungs as he slowly fell to the ground. Dynoth laughed hysterically as he watched his brother fall. Kenthar landed with a thud that shook the earth.

Kenthar’s chest was still smoking as he looked up at his brother. His vision was blurring, and he knew he would not be conscious very much longer.
“Next time you attack me, I will not hesitate to kill you, brother,” said Dynoth as he flew away at lightning speed. Kenthar tried to stand to follow, but his legs would not move. Slowly, he drifted into unconsciousness.
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Post #2 Jul 2 2007, 09:28 AM Craggon
Nice. I kinda saw him being good coming, the foreshadow from the mother early on that she wanted to stop the evil from happening told me one of them would probably be good. But foreshadowing is very important and you did that well, love the story just wish he coulda transformed sooner and possibly saved his mother (dunno if he can heal but it woulda been cool if he did heal her).
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Post #3 Jul 2 2007, 10:09 AM InfernoTsunami
Very well written. I could pretty much see that the mother was going to be killed by one brother though. Throw in some cool plot twists to keep everyone guessing, like making Dynoth the king of Sweden!
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Post #4 Jul 2 2007, 06:32 PM crimson knight
Just wait. I have a lot in store for both of them. I have tomorrow off from work so I can get started on chapter two.
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Post #5 Jul 2 2007, 07:33 PM Flak
Hm. Interesting. Very interesting. As Craggon said, the foreshadowing concerning the Mother of the twins was rather significant, as with all examples of literature. But, I really didn't receive good reception proclaiming the actual environment of the 'Village,' or where ever they were, and in some places, the story felt rushed. Also, the climax of the plot wasn't very motivating nor exciting; It just sort of...Happened. The battle scene at the end, however, I applaud the minute feeling of discomfort; As though Kenthar was gaining the advantage far too easily.

Of course, the easy thing about being a critic is pointing out all of the bad things. Anyhow, it takes a unique tone on the horrors of bloodlust; 'Dreadnaughts,' eh? I see that you also included your persona (In assumption.), 'Crimson Knight,' within the text, though it wasn't directly revealed to the audience. I admire how the fight scene wasn't too flashy nor lengthy; it told the reader that they were rather equally matched, instead of one struggling to conquer the other.

Nevertheless, I await the second Chapter, if anything. Wasn't the most epic collection of words I've read, but I'm willing to give it the benefit of doubt. Carry on, Crimson.

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Post #6 Jul 3 2007, 01:04 AM Craggon
I didnt notice until Flak pointed it out that his armor was crimson, i just noted it differed from the cliche white of the "good guy."

I would also like to say that i like how you incorpreate the way a dreadnaught becomes what it is, rather than regular repopulation with females of the race, etc. At first it was a bit weird to me thinking they were to be dreadnaughts with a human mother, i thought they would be atleast half-human, but the transformation was nice. I forgot where ive seen it before but transforming or "unlocking true potential" around that age seems to linger in the back of my mind as if ive seen it before.

And aye the battle was nice, i think the fact he didnt have his powers for as long and how you made that make a difference, rather than the whole "good conquers evil" thing, is nice. It draws it out into more story than if he were to beat his brother right away just cause he is the good guy.

I think ive said some stuff that has already been said, just in a different way so ill stop repeating.
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