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Death of an Empire; Last of the Crusader Chronicles
Tweet Topic Started: Jul 8 2007, 08:53 AM (150 Views)
Post #1 Jul 8 2007, 08:53 AM Dark-Crusader
The Empire has ruled for 16 years, the age of the empire is almost up. Emperor Crusader grows weaker by each passing hour. His grand empire controlled all of Europe and Africa. It was said that his Empire rivaled that of Alexander the Great.

But like Alexander, the Emperor had no successor, and the Lords would fight for his land. It was June the 4th in the 16th year of his reign that he died. They say it was a heart attack, but it is hard to be sure since historical document from that time have been badly beaten over time. But as one person of the time stated in his memories, "the smell of summer was in the air, fresh fruit was in surplus, meaning more than needed, and everyone was having a productive day, till at 11:33 am. At that time our lord and Emperor died in his sleep.

With the empire without a successor civil war was imminent, but 3 Lords rose to the top and each commanded about 1/3 of the empire. The first was lord seeds who rose due to a young but strong lord named Arekius who's armies were composed of strong agile men. The Second Lord Craggon who with the support of Flak and DaFranker rose to take 1/3 power. third Lord Gamenac with the help of Lord AZNguns20, Lord toesarepaste, and a young knight, he is better known as the Silver knight, Crimsons only son.

The war for power took place all over the empire. Some regions that pledged themselves to seeds where surrounded by Craggon and vice versa. Since Craggon received the aid of DaFranker and Flak, he controlled almost all of Europe, he easily took Ireland and the United kingdom for his own. The one with the least advantage was Gamenac, he had the worst position. heres Craggon in europe, Gamenac is next right inside Africa, then seeds, he was in the middle so a majority of first battles were either Craggon vs Gamenac or Seeds vs Gamenac. In the end it depleted Gamenac's forces and as a result he lost his power, but there are rumors that Gamenac sailed 9 ships full of soldiers across the sea in search of a new home, no one knows what happened to them.

Since Craggon had engulfed whatever remaining men of Gamenac, he blockaded the entire continent of Africa, it is said to be the largest blockade known to man. Craggon had seeds trapped, but seeds built a stable source of food, such as corn, so time is no real challenge. Craggon moved his remaining boats up the rivers to the couldn't move any further. He pressed the ground attack while his ships move in the rivers hoping to catch seeds off guard, it worked. Arekius seeds 2nd led the men against Craggon. They were out numbered, Craggon 300,000 men Arekius 100,000. But Arekius's orders were to buy time and that he did.

Meanwhile DaFranker and Flak were fighting seeds with 300,000 men against seeds 500,000. Dafranker and Flak were taking heavy casualties and knew that reinforcements were on there way from Italy, Ireland, England, and Poland, for they had been preparing for war, but not stepped foot in it yet. Swords clashed wave after wave seeds repelled their men. finally Craggon arrives with 150,000 men after losing half his army to defeat Arekius. There numbers were 300,000 Craggon, 400,000 seeds. They fought for hours in a valley of dead flowers and grass, by night it became a pond of dark red blood. By morning Craggon had 100,000 and seeds had 250,000.
In one last charge, Craggon himself lead the wave to attack seeds. When he got to seeds line he chopped his way through minor soldiers, it was like he had a machine gun, thats how fast bodies were dropping. Finally he got to seeds and blow for blow they were evenly matched till out of nowhere the reinforcements stormed down into the blood filled valley and started desolating the enemy. They were able to secure a grand total of 1 million from Italy, Poland, England, and Ireland, of which most where of the emperor's high guard. Still fighting Seeds slashed Craggon across the arm and down he went. Before being able to finish the job, General Fast_on_Speed stabbed Seeds in the back through the heart and down he went. Immediately the fighting stopped and Craggon was ready to take power when suddenly Generals Stock and KreigesMarine drew there swords and struck down flak and DaFranker. Before drawing his sword, Craggon had a sword to his throat. Fast_on_Speed said, "there will be a new empire, but the Emperor will not be you" then sliced his head off.
All hail Emperor Fast_on_Speed, and his lords KreigesMarine and Stock.

*Last one, might start different one with speed as emperor, im workin on big things on wc so idk if ill have time*
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Knight of the Unholy Order
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LOL Hilarious
Many more funny thins at : http://www.superhonda.com/forum/f17/inspir...al-pics-320779/

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Post #2 Jul 9 2007, 09:59 AM Dark-Crusader
any comments? im also using this as my notice that i might not be on for awhile.
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Knight of the Unholy Order
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LOL Hilarious
Many more funny thins at : http://www.superhonda.com/forum/f17/inspir...al-pics-320779/

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Post #3 Jul 9 2007, 10:16 AM crimson knight
Please stay in one tense. You switched back and forth between past and present tense a lot, and that is not necessary in this kind of writing. If you want to know more about how to improve, just read all the comments we have left on your previous writings because your writing has not changed at all. I'm not going to waste my time commenting if you aren't going to listen.
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Post #4 Jul 9 2007, 11:04 AM Craggon
Ok wow, too much too fast. First of all how could they just draw their sword and strike the other two lords down? They would have advanced warning as soon as they drew and they could parry, block, or evade. It's not as easy as stabbing someone dead in one quick swing.

Theres more but i have other things to do at the moment. I'll have to say:

Second of all, listen to crimson knight.

Short and simple. :gruntgrin:
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Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war
WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN!
WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MEN!
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Post #5 Aug 8 2007, 06:44 PM Flak
Well, I do see some minor improvement on your writing style and approach; Nothing that can save it from inevitable demise, however. As Crimson and Silent have mentioned, it is rather hasty and tends to skip around various settings with neither warning nor liable consideration. You've clearly received valuable insight and reliable advice from veterans of the world of Literature, yet, you refuse to acknowledge any of it. Ever heard of the metaphor 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink?' We've offered our criticism for your last few bundles of text, and aside from some miniscule progress, they are all virtually identical. I am trying very hard to assist you, and I'm sure the others are as well. (Or were.)
Cooperation is the bloody key. Without the presence of compatibility, harmony crumbles.

I don't have much to criticize, unfortunately. I can say that it's not so much a 'Story' as it is an article from a text-book or whatnot. It could substitute for propaganda. Maybe even a simple rough draft for the literature you plan to create. Dept was noticeably lacking, limited to an underwhelming ‘This bloke did this while that other tart did that.' There were no moral backgrounds, no adopted personas, and no complex plot twist. Hell, there was barely any plausible climax that foreshadows the rather weak conclusion.

Your 'Narrative' has nothing to fall into, and so therefore strikes the dirt at a daunting speed and quickly succumbs to its flaws. Weave a more spiteful plot, take pride and confidence in your works, and revise your technique. Then we might have something fairly interesting to read, and the only individual capable of this accomplishment is you.

-Flak
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Bag 'em and Tag 'em!
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-I thank Seeds for this Banner.
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Legend by Crimson Knight.
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Status: Mostly Malevolent.
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Post #6 Aug 9 2007, 03:57 PM Project.Seeds
You've gone a long way.
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"Humankind Cannot Gain Anything Without First Giving Something In Return. To Obtain, Something Of Equal Value Must Be Lost. That Is Alchemy's First Law Of Equivalent Exchange."
"Water, 35 liters;Carbon, 20 kilograms; Ammonia, 4 liters;Lime 1.5 Kilograms.
Phosphorus 800 grams. Salt 250 grams; Saltpeter, 100 grams: Sulfur, 80 grams;
Fluorine, 7.5; iron, 5, silicon 3 grams; and trace ammounts of 15 other elements.... The Ingredients To A Human Body, Down To The Last Specs In Your Eyelashes."

Kill a man, And your a MANSLAYER..... Kill them all? And You're a GOD.....
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