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| Breaking Point; fictional world overrun | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 10 2007, 08:46 AM (233 Views) | |
| Post #1 Dec 10 2007, 08:46 AM | Taceo |
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Part 1: The fracture opens It was a beautiful night in Letum, Lues; the sky was bright with the burning of the pitch black stars against the pure white sky. I stood and gazed at this beauty from my balcony, out in the direction of the red sea; the glasslike surface reflecting the heavens in the opposite colors, as almost as if there was a world that paralleled ours, hiding just beneath the surface. I let this thought float through the intricate gossamer web in my mind that dictated what was and was not possible and prevented any impossible ideas from continuing as I stared out in awe at the red majesty. It had started to get late so I decided to turn in for the night, as I had to get up in the morning and go to the temple to train the young children. Sleep never came to me as I lay in bed, the idea still avoiding capture in the web of logic, causing chaos and insurrection in my minds thought order playing through scenarios that could mean nothing or could mean everything. Much later the idea still free in my mind, though subdued for now, an uneasy sleep befell me, bringing the nightmares with it. They were vivid and full of hate and discontent; their visions burning into my eyelids so that their haunting would never stop, even when the daylight saved me from sleep. In them, I stood, or to be more accurate, levitated, over a chasm that had no visible end. I stared down into the abyss, unable to avert my eyes from the darkness. It called to me, a siren call of sorts, pulling me down, deeper and deeper into it. I tried to break free from the tightening grasp it held over me, pulling me down into its awaiting mouth. Full of fear, I struggled harder, to no avail; it only made the invisible grip tighten even more on my already strained body. With a scream of pain from me and a cynical laugh from the faceless creature that is the darkness, my being was snapped into confetti consisting of shredded flesh and broken bones. I awoke with sudden haste that caused me to bash my head into the overhanging shelf. I rubbed the raw flesh that had started to sting as the salty sweat trickled off into the wound and entered my bloodstream winced. I slowly looked around for the comforting glow of my alarm clock. It seemed that the power had gone out because all around me was inky black darkness. I then instinctively reached out and felt for the light switch controller that customarily sat on my bedside table; I shifted my hand around, and felt nothing. There was no end table, no light, and no sound except for the beating of my heart trying to keep up in the frigid air around me. I slowly lifted off the covers on my bed and swung around to an upright seated position and felt around for solid ground with my feet, they encountered solid ground so I cautiously stood up and moved forward. As I inched my way across the darkness to where the door should be, the flapping of wings filled the room with their beating. As a single patch of light shone through, something flew off into the remaining darkness only to be illuminated by the entirety of the light as the floor, walls, and ceiling, broke into millions of ravens that flew off in every direction. A sudden sinking sensation overcame me and I looked down to see myself being pulled through a pane into a mirror world by shadowy figures with glowing red eyes and sinister grins. As I screamed out, no one came, no one even heard me. I start to give up all hope and accept my demise and fall into the abyssal world of glass and demons when the pane shattered and I fell farther down and into the flaming depths. Into the pits of hell I descended until it vanished right before my very eyes. I awoke, but not so assuredly as I was last time, I reached out for the light control, expecting more ravens, falling, glass worlds of demons, and going into the pits of hell, but it was truly over for now, as I felt the reassuring glow of light rain down on me as I pressed the button on the light remote. I got up and was ready to go, anything but falling into the realm of nightmares again would count for a great day. I went through my usual morning routine; I got up, got dressed in my plain clothes, ate my breakfast of grits and a vitamin supplement pill, then went off to work at the temple, and today, everything seemed to go normally, but everything was far from being an average day, as I was about to find out. |
Amadare wa chi no shizuku
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| Dead like the heart that rots in my chest. | |
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| Post #2 Jan 10 2008, 08:33 PM | Taceo |
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I'm not sure people like this story so no more updates till I find out what you people don't like about it. It's kinda frustrating when people don't give feedback. COMMENT!
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Amadare wa chi no shizuku
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| Dead like the heart that rots in my chest. | |
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| Post #3 Jan 10 2008, 09:01 PM | InfernoTsunami |
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The wording is nice. The only thing that I would work on, is styling your manner of presentation to the story. Like, "I awoke with sudden haste that caused me to bash my head into the overhanging shelf. I rubbed the raw flesh that had started to sting as the salty sweat trickled off into the wound and entered my bloodstream winced." That could be written like: I awoke with sudden haste, bashing my head into the overhanging shelf. I rubbed the raw flesh. It started to sting as the salty sweat trickled off into the wound and entered my bloodstream. I winced. The way I read it, it seemed to flow choppily, not in a bad way. THe presentation would have much more effect that way. |
Space Cowboy
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![]() Request a sig Here My LaunchCast Radio station: My LaunchCast station | |
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| Post #4 Jan 10 2008, 09:39 PM | Taceo |
| Ok, I can work with that I'll try to make it flow more easily. But it is sort of a fictional narrative so it may be more choppy and disorganized when something big happens, but I am trying to make it like it is a memory/narrative. |
Amadare wa chi no shizuku
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| Dead like the heart that rots in my chest. | |
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| Post #5 Jan 11 2008, 04:26 PM | InfernoTsunami |
| Thats precisely what I mean for you to make it. Make it choppier during the bigger moments. If you were thinking, you wouldn't think in complete sentences and great grammar, you'd break it up as it came to you, which would improve the quality tremendously. |
Space Cowboy
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![]() Request a sig Here My LaunchCast Radio station: My LaunchCast station | |
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| Post #6 Jan 11 2008, 05:42 PM | Project.Seeds |
| Nice, How long did it take you to make it? |
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![]() ![]() "Humankind Cannot Gain Anything Without First Giving Something In Return. To Obtain, Something Of Equal Value Must Be Lost. That Is Alchemy's First Law Of Equivalent Exchange." "Water, 35 liters;Carbon, 20 kilograms; Ammonia, 4 liters;Lime 1.5 Kilograms. Phosphorus 800 grams. Salt 250 grams; Saltpeter, 100 grams: Sulfur, 80 grams; Fluorine, 7.5; iron, 5, silicon 3 grams; and trace ammounts of 15 other elements.... The Ingredients To A Human Body, Down To The Last Specs In Your Eyelashes." Kill a man, And your a MANSLAYER..... Kill them all? And You're a GOD..... | |
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| Post #7 Jan 13 2008, 10:29 PM | Taceo |
| it only tok about two or three hours including research time, but it seemed longer because it spaned a week. |
Amadare wa chi no shizuku
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| Dead like the heart that rots in my chest. | |
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| Post #8 Jan 16 2008, 10:34 PM | Taceo |
| I'm really sorry I haven't been able to post the next part of the story yet. I just aven't had the time to work on it. Once again, sorry and I don't know when I will be able to finish the next part, but I will tell you all when it is almost ready. |
Amadare wa chi no shizuku
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| Dead like the heart that rots in my chest. | |
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| Post #9 Jan 26 2008, 01:07 AM | Taceo |
| I have some free time nw and i shoud have the next piece ready by Monday night. |
Amadare wa chi no shizuku
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| Dead like the heart that rots in my chest. | |
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| Post #10 Aug 20 2008, 11:13 PM | Taceo |
| Discontinued due to lack of interest and loss of my origional plot idea. |
Amadare wa chi no shizuku
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| Dead like the heart that rots in my chest. | |
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7:17 PM Jul 10