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| Dawn of the End (Sequel to Mutant Onslaught); The men have crashed on a strange planet | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 22 2009, 02:12 PM (211 Views) | |
| Post #1 Jun 22 2009, 02:12 PM | XxHolyTemplarxX |
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Dawn of the End Kings looked towards the mountains, then to Tony Crispino, he looked at his face, noticing sorrow. “You all right Crispino?” asked Captain Kings. “Yeh, I’m fine” responded Lieutenant Crispino. The helicopters, also known as Snow Leopards we’re flying at 30,000 Feet. About 4,000 feet above the Snow Leopards was the massive flag ship, also known as the Predator. As the helicopters we’re flying, they began to hover, floating up onto the Predator hangar, they flew in. Each of the soldiers dropped out. The General looked at Major Durazno, signaling him to come with him. Major Durazno leaped out of the helicopter, running towards the General. General Shadki and Major Durazno both approached the Comm. Center. “Take a seat, Major” Shadhki commanded Durazno. Durazno approached one of the titanium seats, sitting. “As you may know, the entire Colony has been wiped out, we can’t save those who have died, but, we need to keep sure that the mutants stay on that Colony, otherwise we’ll have to glass the plan--” Shadki was interrupted by a message from one of the Fleet’s destroyers, “The Spartan” [In Message] “Ahh! Christ! Hold em! This is to anyone who can respond! We’re being attacked by these… these things! They came through the Helicopter Cargo! We can’t hold em--” *Static* [End of Message] General Shadki looked at the message, then shut it out. He looked at the Major, then put his hands over his face. His face had an extreme anger expression. Shadki got up, throwing over the steel tables. “This… wasn’t supposed to happen!!!” Shadki yelled. “Sir. I suggest we destroy the Destroyer, we cannot have the mutants appro--” Screaming was heard at the Command Room. The screaming was louder and louder until it immediately was cut off. Shadki picked up two, loaded M68s near the Comm. Networks. He threw one at Major Durazno, the Major grabbed it. They both ran through the doors, running down the hallway, to the Command Room. The two legendary soldiers made it, a mutant was feasting on the flesh of one of the dead. The mutant looked at them, then charged at Durazno. The Major tried to fire, his gun jammed, he dropped it. Shadki pulled out his Combat knife, throwing it, tip first into the mutant’s neck, red blood spurted everywhere as it began to run around, screaming in horror, it later, fell over, dead. Shadki walked over to it, picking up the ODST Combat Blade from his grey neck, he ripped it out, the grayish skin pulled out with it, it began to pull outwards toward the knife. Shadki smirked at Durazno and ordered him to follow him to the hangar. The two soldiers approached the hangar, all you heard was firing, screaming, and people getting slaughtered. Durazno looked at the helicopter with Lieutenant Crispino, Captain Kings, Lieutenant Cleary. He screamed to them; “Men! Get over here!” The three soldiers looked at him, hopping off the copter, running towards him. The soldiers ran through the door, saluting the general and nodding at the Major. They reloaded their guns, and locked the blast doors. Shadki looked at them, then back at the mutants running towards the door. A company of Helljumpers we’re running down the mess hall, preparing to close the blast doors. Major Durazno, Lieutenant Crispino, Captain Kings, Lieutenant Cleary all began to run into the Command Center. The General locked the blast doors behind them. “Crew, begin the escape pod procedure!” Shadki screamed at the Crew of the Command Center. The crew began to press buttons on their single computers. “Sir, the escape pods are ready for launch!” exclaimed one of the pilots of the “Predator” “Good, all of you, be prepared, it’ll be long!” yelled Shadki. The soldiers and the crew jumped into the Pods. They closed the Pod exits behind them, Shadki was in a Pod with Major Durazno, Lieutenant Crispino, Captain Kings, Lieutenant Cleary. They left the giant ship, their Pod began to glide through space… in front of them, was a large red planet. Dawn of the End, Chapter II, the lost planet. The pods crashed through the atmosphere, Kings looked back at the sky, seeing dozens of pods, though, they we’re splitting up, and most caught fire as they passed through the dark red atmosphere. “Some of them aren’t going to make it, sir” Kings warned the General. “I can tell… well, at least they didn’t die to one of those things” Shadki responded, he dropped his head. The pilot looked at the soldiers, then back to the front. “EVERYONE! PUT ON THE BELTS AND GET STRAPPED IN TIGHT!” the pilot yelled. “This is goin’ to be a bumpy ride!” The pod began to fall out of the sky, it began to cook like it was in an oven at 700 degrees. The pilot looked straight at the ground, the pod was 20,000 feet in the air, the crew thought they wouldn’t survive this. Cleary began to pray. “My Lord, please, allow us to ascend to heaven, carry us to your sacred land!” he finished. The group was 10,000 feet to the ground… 8,000.… 6,000... 2,000... As they began to fall, the pod caught heavy flame. The pod, was only 200 feet away, the large transport slammed into the dark, blood-red sand… ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Wake up, child” the white figure said. Durazno quietly picked his head up, blood was dripping from his forehead, he saw his teammates, their heads, legs, body parts severed, he looked in horror. He then looked directly at the shining figure. “No… no… they’re… dead” Durazno spoke quietly. “Child, I offer you a deal… I can save the lives of your friends… but, you must give me your life.” the figure warned the Major. The Major looked at the bodies in the pod, then looked at this figure. He opened his eyes, tightly, he quietly told the figure, “You’re an angel” The figure looked at him, revealing himself, he smiled, his appearance was that of an old man, smooth white hair, brown eyes, a great white beard, and his white robes. “Child, think, do you wish to save your platoon, or yourself?” this Angel asked Durazno. Durazno easily responded, “I’ll sacrifice myself.” The figure glanced at Durazno, then turned around, disappearing under the very bright light. Durazno turned around, then began to fall, he fell unconscious. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Get up Major!” Cleary screamed. The major turned over, he wiped his blood off with his hand, Cleary picked him up, dropping him onto the smooth, red, sand. “Get moving men, I spotted maybe five pods heading a few clicks east, we gotta go check em out.” Shadki wearily commanded his group of soldiers. The group all got up, carrying Durazno, they began to run, heading to the pods. |
Slop Drudge
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| Post #2 Jun 22 2009, 02:25 PM | Duke Nukem |
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Even thought I have not yet read the first one I liked this one. Made me want to read >_> Idk not a whole lot of stories make me "want" to read on. Enders game and a few others made me "want" to read on. Good job Templar |
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Seeds Bitch
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I'm no mere simple man. I am more than just a man, i am Duke Nukem. I succeed where you fail, i win where you lose, i achieve absolute victory where you suffer absolute humiliation. Let's just say ... I've got balls of steel. ![]() Don't you just love my siggy??? Compliment of RTMX. ![]() | |
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| Post #3 Jun 22 2009, 02:43 PM | NoHope4Them |
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Ok I'm gonna have to say good story and good cliffhanger with this part But I'm also going to have to say that in the first one I really didn't connect with any of the characters and it seemed they got a paragraph of text for Character Development and then they killed themselves Also at the end of the 1st one the Helljumper comes down and then seemed to be all cheery and gives everyone a promotion and I mean EVERYONE now instead of doing that I'd have focused on Duranzo (who seemed to be the main character in the second one) and like silver stars to the others All in All it was a great story so far but in the first part it could've gone better with more character development This was meant to be constructive critisim (or however you spell it) I liked the story just not all the self sacrifice. |
Gentleman (2)
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This sort of behavior is left to the psychotic, dogmatic, fundamentalist believers you see on your TV everyday letting off bombs and killing people in the name of God. Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing. And thats what you get -- you get my Axe of Capitalism right in your face. | |
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| Post #4 Jun 27 2009, 02:09 AM | Deleted User |
| That was entertaining Holy, thank you. |
Deleted User
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| Post #5 Jul 5 2009, 06:14 PM | Taceo |
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Yes, good story, Holy. NoHope, character development is essential for any character that takes the forefront of a story, no matter what happens to them or how quickly it happens. It just makes for believable characters that won't have the reader going 'Why the fuck did they kill themselves and why do I care?' Simple as that. |
Amadare wa chi no shizuku
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| Dead like the heart that rots in my chest. | |
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