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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 13 2010, 10:31 PM (642 Views) | |
| Andrew King | Sep 13 2010, 10:31 PM Post #1 |
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Diamond Chatter
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The People's Press Gielinor's Newspaper Table of Contents Page One:
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Page Three
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Page Five:
Edited by Andrew King, Sep 21 2010, 06:35 AM.
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| Andrew King | Sep 13 2010, 10:45 PM Post #2 |
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Diamond Chatter
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War is on the horizon By: Andrew King Today the King of Misthalin, King Roald Remanis II, declared an unfriendly treaty with the township of Lumbridge. In an interview King Roald briefly said "My Kingdom is strong, we cannot let Varrock, my precious city be cluttered with such scum. They are the slums of Runescape. They must be destroyed." The King was angry reporters claim. They say his anger flows to the mightest cloudscrappers of Runescape. Reporters then had to go see what they people of Lumbridge thought on the matter. So reporters went and talked to a man by the name of Father Aereck. Aereck said that he had no comments but as reporters walked out the door he did say that "Varrock shall burn to the ground. Attacking Lumbridge is a crime in the eyes of Saradomin. They want war fine! I shall bring out my new bomb." A bomb that he claims is made from swamp gas from the nearby by swamps. He says that they have the power to blow up even the grandest of markets, the grand exchange. He wrote a letter to our press saying that if King Roald doesn't call off the attack at least 10% of the innocent people located in the Grand Exchange at the time of the explosion will burn in the blaze created by the swamp bomb. Our reporters have not heard anymore struggles from either one of Varrock or Lumbridge at the moment, but tensions are high. War could really break out at any moment. With the massive Varrock troops and the threats of Father Aerack it is holding both of them off at bay. |
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| Andrew King | Sep 13 2010, 10:46 PM Post #3 |
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Diamond Chatter
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Varrock Murders By: Andrew King King Roald, king of Varrock, has received a large number of complaints from many of the infuriated Varrock families. Wife of former Varrock Guard Andrew had something to say on the matter, "Mine and many other families have been deeply impacted by this profound insanity, and the so called king continues to do nothing to embrace the topic." Now I wish to express just what exactly these families are so enraged about. Over the years many people have up to be a Varrock Guard, as it has a high pay and gives you a feeling of authority. Now this is all true, but there is one thing Roald left out, death. Guards have constantly been being killed by miscellaneous people for no real reason, causing uproar amongst the citizens. They believe Roald must do something about the situation, and are planning ways to get back at the king as we speak. It is unfair for the guards to be killed at will, and something must be done as punishment for these serial killers. |
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| Andrew King | Sep 13 2010, 10:46 PM Post #4 |
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Diamond Chatter
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Agility smells and so does Rimmington By: Andrew King We all know of the Agility Shortcut that lies just at the South walls of the city of Falador, but many do not see the issue that one gem shop owner just south of the Falador west bank does. His name is Herquin. So we had our reporters go to Herquin and ask him what exactly the issue was so he told us. He claims that he has gone to the White Knights and Sir Tiffany many times to ask to protect his gem shop. "At night I smell them, I hear them, it is them I tell you." Herquin told our reporters, so our reporters responded "Who?" Herquin told us briefly that he says it is the poor folks of Rimmington. He claims that he can smell them; their awful stench like your nose is being forced into a pit of pickled Dagannoth. “They are so dang smelly, blimey mate, I tell you I hear them, they are so fat and poor. They come for my gems, they come to rob me, and no police authority cares." Even the Falador guards won't help Herquin out. "They are afraid most likely" Herquin boasted. Herquins madness and concern of his shop led us set up security orbs to watch the shop and the agility shortcut. What the evidence showed us was daunting. One person supposedly thought to be from Rimmington tried to come through to agility shortcut, but they were too fat, they got stuck. Local Chainmail owner, Wayne, had to help the poor lad out. We asked Wayne what happened "The stupid fat ass got stuck, pardon my Lumbridge, and he woke me from my sleep, by their grunting and all that. I had to help the thing out." With the evidence our reporters thought they would go over and ask the people of Rimmington. They tell us that they ran into an adventure. So they started to interview him and he said that " I am moving my house to Yanille." He went on to talk about random things like his dog and how much its farts smell, which reminded him of something and he said that "look many people go to Yanille because it is close to a bank. I am getting out of Rimmington because the place smells like my dog's farts" So we all do have evidence rather it be that the people of Rimmington steal, get stuck in holes, or yell a lot, one thing is for sure, and they all smell. [/big][/big] Edited by Andrew King, Sep 13 2010, 10:47 PM.
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| Andrew King | Sep 13 2010, 10:47 PM Post #5 |
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Diamond Chatter
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Alien Encounters By: Andrew King So called alien sightings have been skyrocketing all over RuneScape in recent times. Many Scapers from all across RuneScape, from Lumbridge to Ardougne, legendary players and noobs alike, all have claimed to come across cute baby aliens inside of "Spacecrafts". From recent interviews these Scapers seem to see falling Space Ships as they look through telescopes built in their homes. Many brave adventurers decided to check the mysterious site out, while the puny level three noobs cowered in fear inside of their humble abodes. From interviews with the brave adventurers we were able to put together quite a bit on the subject, based on likeness in different stories. According to these brave men, there are cute alien babies inside of these "Shooting Stars" they like to call them. They claim the aliens mean no harm to them and only wish to greet and award you for freeing them. What could this mean?!?!?!?! Having these aliens set foot on our RuneScape could lead to many different things, good and bad. I suppose I shall share with you the bad possibilites first. Now nobody is quite sure of anything with these new aliens we are encountering. Their intellect could be far superior to ours, which maybe lead us into harm. These cute aliens could be spies sent from other alien estabishments sent here in order to investiagte our settlements. They may try to learn our weaknesses and take over our world. Now this all may be true, but there is no need to always look for the wrong in things. These suspicious aliens could be just like us, looking to find out more about other places and lands. They may wish to make friends with us, and bring peace between our two different species. Believe what you wish, everyone will have different opinions, for everyone knows different things. Now we may never figure out truly why they are coming to our lands, but our best bet is to make friends with them. If we plot war against them, they could be far more advanced then us, and engaging them in battle would just be plotting doom for all of RunesScape. Now if we befriend them, they may turn out to help us whether they are more advanced then us, on the same level, or even farther behind. |
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| Andrew King | Sep 13 2010, 10:47 PM Post #6 |
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Diamond Chatter
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The First Strike By: Andrew King For those who have done the quest Defender of Varrock. in it you are told that Zemouregal begins to control an army of zombies to attack Varrock and try to take it over. Controlled by evil threats of Lucien and other minions such as Sharanthteerk. That the Mahjarrat are still alive and well. That their strength is strong and they are numerous and all powerful. You learn that Arrav is being controlled by these people and has to lead the zombie army to attack Varrock. Sadly this was a lie put out by The Gielinor Government. It was all to protect you from what really happened. The real cause was the cause of The Varrock-Lumbridge war. Father Aereck took it upon himself to create a swamp bomb. A bomb made from the swamp gases and various other things located around the area, mainly methane based, according to scientists that searched the exploded region. He placed the bomb underneathe the Grand Exchange by going into the Varrock sewers and find the pipes that led up into the grand exchange for drainage. Here is where he thought we would strike and he did so. He exploded the bomb, but the pipes seemed to be clogged with gunk so the methane debris went back into the sewers and infected all of the life forms down there. Mutating them into Human-Like zombies. It raised their levels and they began to multiply. They then escaped the sewers and began to try to feast upon Varrock and make it a city of their own. Varrock guards and random Adventurers on the scene began to fight off the zombie attacks, and the Gielinor government soon acted upon this and created a fake quest to protect us from knowing or putting us into panic about an all out war. For now the threat is over, but the war will continue on. Some claim that this war may have no end. King Roald says "I am forced to now take retaliation, a force of which I hold dear to my heart to protect my fine township." A force that he hasn't told press yet. For now it is clear that Lumbridge has made the first strike and that war cannot be avoided at this time. |
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| Andrew King | Sep 13 2010, 10:48 PM Post #7 |
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Diamond Chatter
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ASK TIME By: Conquer Time Dear Time, Is it weird that I have been living in my mother's basement, playing with hell rats, and making soup for 27 years? I mean Doris, my mother, she seems to not care. She has supported me for so long. I just feel bad. What do I do for her in return? I give her dirty dishes and a dirty mouth. Worst part about living with my mother is that I can't bring over Gunthor. Him and I havn't kissed in a while. I am always caught up in my house so I can't visit him, and the other Barbarians make fun of him for puffing the rough, you know, being gay. So tell my Time, what can I do? Sincerly yours Evil Dave. Dear Evil Dave, In current society gay people are slaughtered, people living in their mother's basements are killed and made fun of, and people who are evil get burned at the stake. So I suggest that you stop being a boy lover (not that I have an issue with it), move out of your Doris' basement (your mother is hot, by the way), and stop being evil and go attend church or something. Because sooner or later somebody will hunt you down and kill you. Respectfully yours, Time. Dear Time, Judging by your name I take it you are a master of time. You have conquered it. I am a humble servent of Saradomin. I live in the Church of Saint Zilyana in Lumbridge. Recently I developed a new type of bomb using the firemaking skill. I am currently only level 47, but the bomb seemed to only require a skill of 42. It was a bomb made from swamp gas, cow poop, and my father's moldy cake collection. Do not ask he has gone nuts over the years, losing his mind. As some may know, I was responsible for the bomb going off in Varrock Sewers bringing the Zombie invasion to Varrock. My question to you is what should I do? I am really sorry for doing what I did, but Lumbridge will be under attack again soon, I do not want to see what pain I caused. It must be stopped. Painfully yours, Father Aereck. Dear Father Aereck, For one it sounds like you got one hell of a methane based bomb there. The explosion of that could kill hundreds, and yes we all know what you did. Varrock was a precious city. I fought off those zombies. I am not going to give you advise. I am angry at you. I mean I got nice experience from the quest, but no, what you did is unforgivable. You know what I will give you one item of advice. Go kill yourself. If you don't want to see the pain you caused, then do Varrock a favour, end your life. Hatefully yours, Time. Edited by Andrew King, Sep 13 2010, 10:48 PM.
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| Andrew King | Sep 13 2010, 10:49 PM Post #8 |
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Diamond Chatter
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Al-Kharid is running dry By: Andrew King According to local reports from Chacellor Hassan Al-Kharid is running low on water. Gielinor's Star, is too hot for the desert. It just keeps putting more heat and humidity on it. Condensation is high in the desert. There is no precipitation. Al-Kharid is a wasteland. "As Chanellor for the Emir and this precious city of Al-Kharid, I will find us water." As he quoted from his journalised papers. Osman, second in command to Hassan, has a plan. River Lumbridge runs right by Al-Kharid, this water however is unclean. He plans to use a new wood and stone filtering system developed by Al-Kharid architects. They willl build a canal leading into the city. Supply all of the homes. Osman claims that hopefully that will solve the drought issue we are having and will end this town's suffering. Let us hope that Al-Kharid can stay on the map and not be shriveled away. |
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| Andrew King | Sep 13 2010, 10:49 PM Post #9 |
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Classifieds Come to Floyd's general store! We now have tuna for half price, watermelons for 3 gold peices more, and hookers up stairs! So please stop by Floyds one stop shop. Your place for hammers, chisels, and tinderboxes! Located just Southeast of Varrock square! Have you ever been lonely at night? Have you ever been crawling in the corner of your room, crying for your mother? Have you been haunted by your father's 13 ex-wives while playing with yourself on the couch? Well the Gypsy in Varrock has just what you need. Share all of you problems with her. It is only 300k an hour and safe sleep and no more problems in the love life, it will all disapear. So come see the Gypsy today! Located in Varrock. Just Southwest of the Varrock Fountain. The Rising Sun Inn is now hiring for new bartenders. It pays 3k daily. You will have to be experienced in holding cups, drinking the booze on tap, and sleeping with random adventurers. So please stop by the Rising Sun Inn in Falador. It is slightly Northeast of the Falador West bank. The Grand Exchange has lost 4 of its bankers. There used to be 8 of of them. So this is the Varrock board commity telling you there is now 4 banking spots open for the grand exchange! Come on by and drop an application. While you are there make sure you tip the bankers and at least buy 3 items! Lost puppies have been found. Please come pick up your stinking, complaining, losing hair, Mutt. Come to the Pet Shop in Taverly to pick up your lost puppy. Merchant Ships we travel all over the world. Come drop by, prices change daily! You could get a deal, you could not, come take the chance and sail the seas! Edited by Andrew King, Sep 21 2010, 02:34 AM.
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| Andrew King | Sep 13 2010, 10:50 PM Post #10 |
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Diamond Chatter
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Khazard and Gnomes have no clue By: Andrew King According to local reports from the Khzard battlefield. There are whispers from the dead. Whispers saying what did I die for? Most of the people fighting in Khzard say that one is invading the others land or that long ago one attacked the other and that the war is never ending, so also claim the other side is just racist, but truth is none of them have any clue why they are fighting. 100s are being slain every day for no reason at all. It has been so long since the first days of war. There were never any documents taken on the war. Nobody even keeps track of how many die each day. Lioda, a female Gnome on her death bed in a local Gnome hospital tried to tell our reporters "you know what the irony about this battle is? The fact that as I die more Gnome children are put into battle to fight this war. A war without end and a war without meaning." A war without meaning indeed. Nobody seems to know the meaning. Perhaps one day they will find meaning and somebody will tell them to stop. |
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