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Issue One
Topic Started: Sep 13 2010, 10:31 PM (641 Views)
Andrew King
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Lumbridge uses treaty money to build new bank
By: Andrew King


The money that was given to Lumbridge from the Varrock-Lumbridge war they haved used to help the city. On top of the roof of the lumbridge castle now sits a bank for everybody to use. It holds up to 20 people at a time, has a bank deposite, gives notes, and friendly service. So we advise everybody to check out the new bank in Lumbridge. It is the best thing to happen to Lumbridge since Father Aereck killed himself.
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Andrew King
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How Peeping Goblin never gets caught

Interview Report

When on a reporting trip a few months back in Pentember I came acrossed a Goblin who was drunk at a bar within a cave system just north of East Ardougne and he told me his odd little tale. So I interviewed him. He tells me that he is really attracted to female Humans and that he had a problem with pleasuring himself."You see sir, I have been attracted to female Humans for quite sometime. I know it is beastiality, but I can't help it. I also have this problem. I am always touching myself in places. I like the feeling of my stubby hand on my wart filled cock." He said to me.

What what fulfills your achievement? Look if you don't tell anybody I am what you call a Peeping Goblin.

What it is a peeping Goblin? A Peeping Goblin is a Goblin that crawls under rocks or anything really, and spies on naked people.

Have you ever been caught? No I have never been caught. I got a way of doing things. Since I am so small I always find a tree with lots of leaves in or on it. Plus I always find a house where the girl's room is on the second floor. That is when I begin beating my toad like penis.

Given the colour of his skin, I take it he camoflagues in with the leaves so the girls cannot see him. Also I believe he is quick about it and very silent about what he does.

"I almost got caught once. By this girl in Lumbridge. My goblin sperm shot a little too far, you know, and it ahh... went on her window. Made a big noise and I believe it almost cracked her window. So I got the heck out of there before anybody noticed. It turns out that I liked the feeling of almost getting caught like that. So now when I do my deeds I shoot my green spunk onto my hand and rub my goblin goo on their window. It makes me feel like I am taking a risk. It adds to the fun of my hunt." The goblin proclaimed to me. I believe he now thinks his goblin load rubbed upon their windows is like a trophy of sorts. He told him that is all that I needed from him and it was nice to meet him. That is the last time I will ever stop at a Bar in a dark tunnel.
Edited by Andrew King, Sep 22 2010, 12:36 AM.
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Andrew King
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Zamorakian Monk killed King Roald the II
By: Andrew King


It turns out for revenge for the slaughter of a middle aged Zamorakian monk's family he sought revenge on King Roald the II. Before we thought it was a fire surge attack, but it turns out it was a Zamorakian flame-bomb. It exploded right on his chest. Attacking his heart with pieces of shrapnel. According to Varrock nurse the death was quick. "I would say he died within 25 minutes of it happening. It was a very fast death indeed. For somebody not to notice him laying there is beyond me though." He laid there dying for 25 minutes and nobody noticed. This makes The People's Press think that it may have just been more than a monk that did it, that or Varrock has stupid doctors.

Varrock does not have the Death penality. The Zamorakian Monk will spend the rest of his day sitting in a jail cell underneathe the steps where the crime happened thinking about what he did, but what exactly did he do? He may have just stopped a war that would have slaughtered hundreds more. To The People's Press he is a hero.
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Andrew King
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Zombies demand their cut of the brew
By: Andrew King


On the lovely island that few people dare to go to an island by the name of Braindeath Island sits a brewing factory. They make the finest rum in all of the region. A rum that local zombies of the area demand to want a share of.

These Zombies are holding protests outside of the brewing company and depending their rum. Evidentally the brewing company is holding off the rum from the locals. "RRRRRUUUUMMMM" Said one Zombie at the protest scene. This was a shock to reporters because usually they say 'braains'.

One of the pirates there , Captain Donnie, claims that the zombies do not need any of the rum and it is best that the zombies do not get any. Although being a zombie himself, Donnie claims that since he is a Pirate he gets all the ruum he can drink.

The People's Press sent over a bottle of Karamjarian Rum to the zombies. In anger they attacked the delivery boy and ate him. Part of the factories stairs got burnt down due to the zombies making a molotov from our rum gift. That is the last time we will ever do anything for zombies. The People's Press hopes that the zombies lose their fight for rum, lose their lives, and go to zombie hell.
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Andrew King
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Batboy strikes again

By: Andrew King



In the local village of Draynor something was feasting upon the body and blood of a young child of the village. Sucking up the blood of its victum and leaving them for death to come for them. A bank guard nearby the crime scene found the child with two teeth marks in his neck, drained of his blood, and a black cape. Police are expecting it to be the rumoured return of Batboy. A local folk lore of a bat child. That hunts at night for victums and feasts upon them. Morgan a resident of Draynor village thinks it may have not been batboy, but some random vampire. He says he has been hunting them for years and knows a vampire attack when he sees one.

Some speculate that the folk lore and theory of Batboy may be linked to the history of the town and that of Count Draynor. Perhaps one day they will find out the truth one way or another.
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Andrew King
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Plague hits the cows of Gielinor
By: Andrew King


It has been reported by farmers and ranchers all over Gielinor that cows have been dying rapidly. A new plague has been thought to be going about. Roughly 230,000 cows die each day of this plague. Researches are claiming there is only about 1 billion cows in all of Gielinor. So roughly within 4348 days (11-12 years) all of the cows on the planet will be killed. Although not really that big of a concern for modern days that go by, you expect that number to decrease by 2-3 years because of the number of cows clain for hide and meat each year.

So to accuratly keep track of of how many cows have been slain by the plague statistic signs have now been placed out in front of the cow field in the town of Lumbridge. This is a magical sign that keeps track of all cow deaths in all of Gielinor for that day. A person will come by each day and track the number. To see if there is any changes in the data from day to day.

We can only hope that the plague is stopped soon so that the cow race will not be eliminated. Whatever is to blame, we can be sure that farmers and ranchers will keep reporters posted on updates.
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Andrew King
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Several species Humans hunted out of existance
By: Andrew King


People all over Gielinor have noticed while fishing, mining, and woodcutting that they do not get attacked by the Flumen species of Troll, Silicis species of Golem, or the Nemus Phasmatis, or in common tongue River Troll, Rock Golem, and the Tree Spirit. A collective group of biologist and chemist all got together in Gielinor and were led to the conclusion that people do npot see these species of these anymore because Humans have hunted them out of existance. These species used to attack people all the time while fishing, mining, or woodcutting. They used to pop up and tell people to leave the places they were fishing, mining, or woodcutting at and to leave them alone. If they did not, they would fight them to the death. Now it seems that Humans have taken out all of these species. The last time any of these species were spotted was on Moeyvng 17, Year 168-Age 5. Although People around Gielinor who have access to Fairy Magic seem to claim that there is a place where the Fairies took all of these species so that they could survive and repopulate without Humans interferring in their lives. A place the Humans say the Fairies call Enchanted Valley.

The Fairies taking them off to a safe place away from Humans was a smart idea. Repopulations is a great idea and losing 3 whole species of Fauna in Gielinor would hurt the world very much. It would mess up the ways of surving and population control. So perhaps someday in the future we will see these species again floating in rivers, pretending to be rocks, or roaming around forests. Only time will tell if the Fairies saved our mistakes.
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Andrew King
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East Ardounge home of the thieves
By: Andrew King


For those who have had the unfortunate occurances to run into the city of Ardougne they know that crime has been on an all time rate. For the past few years Ardougne has grown in crime rate by 403%. The market place within Ardougne is just crawling with thieves. It is so bad that the city of Ardougne hired multiple guards, heros and paladins to help out with the situation. But it just seems that no matter how many they hirer the thieves just keep killing the help.

Within the town even citizens are talking about how their glourious King, King Lathas Ardignas, may even be corrupt. He has plans to take over Camelot for who knows why. It is such a small and meaningless town. He also has plans to take out Elves.

East Ardougne has so many issues. Their crime rate doesn't seem to be dropping anytime soon. Each year it just keeps doubling. With corrupt leaders and politicans in office there is no way it will stop at all. "The guards are just merely a front" said one local business man who cares not to be named. "The King he comes around and collects his rounds. They are business taxes. I barely can afford to feed myself. My child needs his arm replaced. My daughter is ready to die. We are almost as worse off as the people of Lumbridge. We all can't be blessed to live in a glourious city like Varrock." He went onto tell reporters. If this is true the King must be stopped.

People have also reported not hearing from the Lathas' brother, Tyras, in years. Who knows maybe thieves killed him or people in West Ardougne are worse off than the people of East Ardougne. Many people don't even know what is going on in the other half of Ardougne. It has been closed off for years by King Lathas. Saying that they have a plague going on over there, a plague of thieves and murderers. "It is like Gielinors concentration camps. They will be exterminated for their crimes." Said Lathas in an interview.

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Andrew King
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Local man commits suicide and arson
By: Andrew King


Although authorities and forensics scientists have not determined who the charred body is within the house that used to exist in the east part of Seers Village, they know by evidence that he commited suicide and burnt down his own house. Forensic scientists say it was a male in about his late 40s due to bone density and the resen from bone marrow studies. The evidence has been taken out of the house and now a court house now stands where the house used to exist. Ironically enough the court house will be where scientists and authorities will be making their case in front of the judges.

Nobody else was hurt in the blaze that happened few weeks ago, but police officials say that they will get down to the bottum of who this person was and why they did what they did.
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Andrew King
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Drunken ferrymen crashes into Dwarven Statue
By: Andrew King


A local Ferrymen driving a Human over to the city of Keldagrim was highly intoxicated. With one swift jerk of the boats wheel it vered off into the statue. It destroyed the statue leaving it in pieces. The Ferrymen was executed shortly after the accident and the Human was charged with rebuilding the statue.

There is now a new statue up in Keldagrim thanks to the random Human adventurer. Evidentally according to many of the dwarves in the city they do not blame the ferrymen and do not think he should have been executed, although it was Keldagrim law. They also welcomed the Human a life time stay in the city for rebuilding the statue so finely.

Maybe just sometimes it pays off for a Human to be at the scene of a crime.
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