Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Locked Topic
Issue Two
Topic Started: Sep 13 2010, 10:43 PM (726 Views)
Andrew King
Member Avatar
Diamond Chatter
The People's Press
Gielinor's Newspaper


Table of Contents

Page One:

  • King Lathas condemns brothers city
  • Varrock gets makeover with war money
  • Obituaries
  • Odd Goblin seen on surface of Gielinor
  • Man speaks out prison just might be false
  • Fishing Guild a society of Fish Lovers
  • Al-Kharid bursts so it seems
  • Letters to the Editor
  • Classifieds


Page Two:

  • Mysterious cave in West Ardougne
  • Ivy is choking the life from 'em
  • Castle Wars opens in Feldip Hills area
  • Lumbridge Cook can't cook at all
  • Tyras real death revealed
  • Gnomeball the real sport of midgets
  • Doctor Ford sentenced to prison
  • Gunthor cheats with fish
  • We are all distant Relitives
  • Contact between races


Page Three:

  • Osman a bit of an addict
  • What causes this flux
  • Ranged if you do Ranged if you don't
  • Letter to the public A confession of a Gypsy
  • Human Roves around a bit
  • Hidden altar of Zaros found underground
  • Diseases all about Plagues from distant lands
  • Lumbridges Annoying Beastral Monster
  • King Lathas declares war on Elves
  • Tablets with Magicks dating back thousands of years found


Page Four:

  • Outcrop is manmade by the Fremennik
  • Leprechauns are on drugs
  • Elves attack food supply
  • Lumberjack gets killed while mining
  • Partake on war History of a time
  • Poll
  • Magic Guild teleport fails kills five
  • Fur trader is just a front
  • Tyras camp builds up defence
  • Mithril dragon Just not a Myth



Page Five:

  • Distant screams from Castle FLESH created
  • Clan creates new spells
  • King Lathas attempts to summon Zamorak
  • Horoscopes
  • Letter to the Public B.o.G increases bank space
  • Imperial Guard have a Trolling problem
  • Chinchompa crisis
  • Temple of Light secured King Lathas backs off
  • Trufitus communicates with the Gods
  • Juliet and Gypsy get married in Varrock Chapel
Edited by Andrew King, Sep 22 2010, 12:30 AM.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Andrew King
Member Avatar
Diamond Chatter
King Lathas condemns brothers city
By: Andrew King


King Lathas has now declared the west part of Ardougne off limits to anybody. Claiming that he released a disease there to kill off all of them. He claims that it was a haven for criminals and other such peoples. "West Ardougne was owned by my brother intill he got killed recently. So I turned it into a huge prison for criminals. West Ardougne is a concentration camp or prison if you would like, where very high punishments are placed on those who enter. I released a plague within the confined quarters. Those people shall die very slowly and painfully." Said King Lathas in an interview with The People's Press.

East Ardougne has a huge problem in crime. Their crime rate has gone up almost double every year now for the past 5 years. King Lathas hopes that the new concentration camp placed in his brother's old half of the city will ward off many criminals that come to steal from the people of Ardougne. King Lathas also says that the Plague is contagious so even if you do see one of his personal guards, the mourners, stay clear. They maybe wearing gear that protects them, but that may also not be full proof he says. The disease he released is nanobacterium. Some spores can seep through the protective gear and infect people. Although the mourners are checked daily for infections, there could be one laying dorment or something. "A break out of the plague could be devestating to all of Gielinor! It would all be my fault also. So I do wish everybody would stay clear of the area for your own safety and for others." King Lathas stated in a letter to The People's Press.

The People of Ardougne are disagreeing with the King's statements. Saying they are false and untrue. That there is something else going on inside the West Ardougne walls. Either way it seems the rest of Gielinor has nothing to worry about, unless you are a thief, of course.

Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Andrew King
Member Avatar
Diamond Chatter
Spoiler: click to toggle


Varrock gets a makeover with war money
By: Andrew King


The city of Varrock used some of their money from the Lumbridge-Varrock war from taxes on citizens from new jobs created and tax increases because of wealth rising. When interviewed, King Roald said "In order to keep visitors coming to see the sights of our beautiful capital, we felt that tidying-up the city would be more effective than just issuing a decree and wasting the money of other things."

Not only was rebuilding secured and made to look more fancy, a new building was also added. The Varrock Museum. Before it was just a small time business building in the basement of the building that used to be there, but now they tore down that building and replaced it with the Varrock Museum. King Roald urges people to go check it out.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Andrew King
Member Avatar
Diamond Chatter
Obituaries



Taverly- Valegarth Milfaer, 41, died Essianday, Pentember 17, 5 age-year 170 died by the hands of a Seers Village seer while getting drunk at the party at Burthope's Games Room.

At his death he leaves behind his Husband of age 67, Kilaef Milfaer; his son, Linarth Milfaer; and his wife Brusheia Milfaer.

Born and raised a druid in the town of Taverly learning many different druidic spells and practising the many different herbal remedies of Guthix. He lived a well educated life. He attended his first day of Druidic school at the age of 3 and graduated by the time he was 10. A very well known and Talented druid for his years on Gielinor. He always thought that his life was fulfilled and that at his age of 41 that he did not need to continue on any further. His life was full. He had his husband, wife, and his son. To this middle aged man of Taverly, that was all he needed.

His body was discovered in a chest hidden from view in the Burthope Games room. DNA prints were casted and found that they belonged to a man who recently commited suicide by burning down his house. Perhaps because of guilt of what he did.

Funeral services will be held this Gullday, the 21 at the Druidic hendge. His body will be put upon the altar are prayed for. His body will be turned into energy and soaked into Guthix's land of Gielinor soil.




Hemenster- Foot marsh, 13, died Duneday, Ire of Phyrrys 3 , 5 age-year 170 died by Human slayer.

Foot Marsh, son of Fungus Anger and Meat Wagon, leaves behind nothing but his father and mother. A weeping couple of goblins of the tribe Yurkolgokh. He also leaves behind a suit of his armour and a spear that he crafted when he was age 8.

Foot Marsh's corpse was found in a nearby oak tree. Evidentally after the Human slain the Goblin he dragged his corpse and threw it into an oak tree to the south. Left it there to rot. A lumberjack by the name of Lief came about and found Foot Marsh and brought his body to Ardougne authorities and they gave the body to the family.

There will be no funeral services the family claims, but they do wish that justice would be brought to the Human that killed their child. Although They are sure in todays society nobody will care that a goblin has been slain.




Kharidian Desert- Linda the Camel, 12 (48 Human years), died Caistleday, Novtumber 4, 5 age- year 170, died by heat stroke and lack of water.

A camel that will be missed by the owner, Ali Humar Mohammid Asir. The camel left behind fine dung, great meat, and standard hide. All of which is particular useless now. The hot Khairdian sunlight destroyed the corpse by the time the owner found it.

Forensic scientists believe it died by lack of water and heat stroke judging by the moisture content and temperature of heat and the micobacterium found at the scene.

The Camel will be buried in the sands of the desert in the place where it died. The camel will be missed dearly.


Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Andrew King
Member Avatar
Diamond Chatter
Odd Goblin seen on surface of Gielinor
By: Andrew King


Citizens In the Lumbridge, Draynor, and parts of Al-Kharid and Varrock have reported seeing an odd looking goblin walking around following a Human. Citizens claim that it is not like anything they have ever seen before. It isn't as short as the other goblins, it is darker, has more hair, no long nose, big eyes, but in the other hand it bends over and speaks like a Goblin. One Citizen, Lachtopher, said "Man I know it was a Goblin when I seen it. I could smell it. It smelled like rotten pickles and raw iron ore. If I wasn't so lazy I would have went after it and slayed it. Although that person that was with the Goblin he was scary!" Lachtopher known for being a bum in the town Surprising gave reporters a lot of information. "Yeah I seen it go into the Lumbridge basement. There is a hole in the wall down there" It seems like Lumbridge might just be having an infestation problem.

We went and talked with Sigmund a local that belongs to the group known as H.A.M or Humans Against Monsters. "Yes us in H.A.M have seen it walking around, up and about. We will take care of the matter soon. These Goblins, these monsters, they are a problem to the citizens of Lumbridge. We will take them out. Only one race will previal. That is the Human race!" Sigmund went on to complain about "monsters" for a few minutes. Just before he left. He chucked a dagger at one of our reporters cats.

So perhaps this is a new species of Goblin or maybe just a very old one that has been in hiding for a very long time. Either way truth be told. The People's Press will get to the root of the problem soon enough.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Andrew King
Member Avatar
Diamond Chatter
Man speaks out
prison just might be false

By: Andrew King


Within the Poison Arrow Pub in East Ardougne lies one drunken man, but a drunken man with a story. He has spread his rumours and his theories all about East Ardougne, a theory that West Ardougne really isn't a prison, it is just a front for something more. "It isn't very guarded for being a prison." He says, " I know they are suppose to be infected with the plague and hence that makes them slow and weak so no need for many guards." Not many guards indeed. There is only about 4 on the outside. They judge if peoole should come in or not. Vistors of the families or state officials. "My theory is that they are not prisons, but the previous people who used to live in the ghettos of West Ardougne. They were given this fake skin condition as a cover front. Then they told the outsiders that the plague is contagous and not to get near, so they sealed it off!" The drunken man claims.

Who is going to believe a drunken man though his word is almost as highly valued as the proof of liquor he drinks. A nicely 8.6 proof. Given his word a slim chance at that.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Andrew King
Member Avatar
Diamond Chatter
Fishing Guild a society of Fish Lovers

An Investigative Report


Why does the fishing guild have such a guarded entrance? Why does it require one of the highest requirements for a guild? Is it true that you have to sign a secret pieces of parchment to get in everytime. A piece of parchment that is a confedentionality form of sorts. So I thought I would do some investigating to see if these claims were true.

I set foot within the Fishing Guild for the first time, I didn't have to sign a piece of paper or anything, but a man did try to stop me and checked my paperwork and seen if I was clean. He then said "If you say anything outside of this guild about this guild you are fucking dead! Or we will not let you back in" He claims spoiling of what goes on in this guild will have banishment or death depending on how serious the accusations.

What I seen next was a terror to my eyes. I seen young and old men sticking their peckers inside of these fishes mouthes. I walked up to one of them, his name is Ned, he is a legendary fishermen from Draynor Village. So I asked Ned what he was doing. "Oh you know just sticking my wang-chung into this fish. This is mainly what we do here. You must be new. You should try it, it feels good." This being what Ned claims is a grand experience.

After gaining my proof, I walked out of there. I could not handle it. I knew that after seeing what I saw and the fishing that hardly went on, I had to leave. I just fear that after publishing this paper they may just come after me.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Andrew King
Member Avatar
Diamond Chatter
Al-Kharid bursts so it seems
By: Andrew King


Reports have come in that one of the main piping systems that brings in water to the various businesses and homes in the area have bursted and there is a huge leak. Many of the businesses are flooded and the engineers that worked on the project many weeks ago are now being questioned.

A few people in the area believe that it may have just been a sabotage attempt from the Emir. they have been wanting to take back over Al-Kharid into their ruling for quite sometime now. They have tried a few things in the past, mostly political. Hassan says that if one of them are found guilty that he will personally drown them in the town well and turn it red.

The leak has caused over 130,000 gold pieces worth of damage. The company that was in control of the piping system is willing to pay for the any damage that has been done. Officials are saying that the leak should be fixed within the next few days and clean water should be make within the desert town soon.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Andrew King
Member Avatar
Diamond Chatter
Letters to the Editor


Dear Editor:

This place, this is a horrid place, and the Duke does nothing about it. He sits on his high horse! He commands us to death and to rot in our own filth! He raises taxes every year by a small percent. I can barly support my family with my fishing job. I am just a humble man in Lumbridge trying to make a living and get by. I see adventurers all the time with riches. How do they get this way? How does a normal citizen like me get such things? Answer is we do not. We sit here, we get taxed, raped, strangled by debt, and then murdered by our own neighbours. This is an outrage! us of the people of Lumbridge demand something be done about the Duke before it is too late.




Dear Editor:

I would like to just say I appreciate all the effort that the Rising Sun Inn has made to support all of its patrons. Sometimes us addicted customers and loyal servents get a discount on our booze. Just the other day I got a Wizard Mind bomb for 1gp, day before it was on the house. I mean it could be the fact that I am sleeping with one of the bar maids, but to me this can't be it. Either way if it is me fucking the bar maids or me being a drunk and they liking my money, I get a discount and I love it. Hail the Rising Sun Inn in the Saradomist city of Falador!




Dear Editor:

What is up with all the people complaining or sucking up to everybody nowadays? I mean what happened to the days we use logic, reason, and justice. Times have changed. People have become corrupt or people have lost their power to stand up for injustice and enslavery. I am depressed in the Human race. I am sorry to say, but you all suck.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Andrew King
Member Avatar
Diamond Chatter
Classifieds




Varrock:

  • Come on everybody let us get dunk, let us spend all of our hard earn cash, we know we are pieces of shit anyways! So come get shit faced with all of the boys here and the Blue Moon Inn in Varrock! Half price booze every Essianday!

  • Well you think you are so special? You got enough quest points to enter our guild of Champions? If so come drop by we got chickens to kill and a stove. Located south of Varrock by the northwest mine.

  • Hey I got this church in Varrock, nobody is comes by. Well some do, but they just sleep. I am drunk half the time, hell I can't even remember the name of my church... but whatever it is located in Varrock like somewhere. Just come on by if you ever want to fuck I mean catch a sermon.





Lumbridge:

  • Hey now I will let you grind my flour anytime honey, just come by to the windmill in North Lumbridge for a good time, you hear. -Milly

  • I hear of the frozen shit in this cave. Drop by like west of the General Store in Lumbridge and help me claim some dung. The name is Jack and I explore stuff so you can count on me!

  • I hear spooks all the time man. Drop by and like rid me of my ghost problem if you dare to be like haunted for life man. Come to Saint Zilyana church of Saradomin in Lumbridge just east of the Castle.





The Wilderness:

  • Have you ever fancied the power of the GODS like Zamorak, Saradomin, and whatshisface? Well if so come on by to the Mage Areana located somewhere North in the Wilderness.

  • We make Human sacrifices daily. So if you have a suicide wish or want to join in on killing others, please drop by the chaos altar by those Hill Giant things and like south of Clan Wars areana.

  • They say we like men. I say you like women. They say we gay. I say you are straight. The point is if you are a faggot get your ass over to the Dark Warriors castle in the wild and join some wild things.





Burthope/Seers Village:

  • We are looking for recruits to join the Imperial Guard. We currently are about to wage war against some fucking trolls. So if you want to kick some smelly dumbasses join us in our fight! You get free claws. Oh yeah we are in Burthope by the Games Room.

  • If ye be thine hero we hathed been looking for, then come drop by thee Heros Guild inith Burthope. We hath a lot to offer if ye are good enough to join us, aye.

  • My name is Sylas, ain't cha heard ye wee little noob. Drop on by and see me. I got a bean for ya's.





Fremennik area:

  • Hello. My name is Erjolf I am a small child in need of help. I need to claim a trophy to prove myself worthy, but I am too little and too lazy to do so. So come on drop by in the Fremennik region and help me out, 'k?

  • UUUGGGRRRRR RAWR! I am OLAF! AND I NEED HELP. Drop by just east of Rellekka and do stuff for me!

  • We have lots of fine clothes here at Yrsa's Accourtrements, so come on drop by in Rellekka and buy some fancy Fremmennik clothes. I might also let you have sex with me if you penis is small enough.





Kandarin area:

  • Legend's Guild is an honourable place for the best of the best. If you call yourself the best anyways! We will be the judge of that. Come on by us, we think you are too much of a pussy to enter though. Vermin and filth ridden daffs.

  • Fancy alittle leaky boat and a fishing trip? If so come fish with me, Murphy, on my trawler. Located at the port in Port Khazard.

  • Tindel here, of Tindel merchants. If you have swords in fucked up shape, come drop by me here in Port Khazard and I will indentify and fix them. I might even pay you.





Falador:

  • HEWWO! Sir Tiffy here of the White Knights and Temple Knights. I want you to become one of us! So drop by in Falador Garden and we can speak my maties!

  • Hi I got shields. So drop by if you want one. I am slightly northeast of Falador's Square thing or like east of General Store.... yeah..

  • I got Gems! Lots of them! I hate people of Rimmington! You guessed it I am the famous Herquin. I have a gem shop here in Falador so if you are rich and stuck up like me, come buy some, bitches!



Offline Profile Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Create a free forum in seconds.
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · The People's Press · Next Topic »
Locked Topic


Get ANDREWKINGROCKS chat group | Goto ANDREWKINGROCKS website
Made by Pandorasaurus of the Speculative Evolution forum/Furahasaurus of Zetaboards Theme Zone/ZNR