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| Story; DarkSide; The tale of the- *Information Withheld* | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 8 2013, 04:58 PM (189 Views) | |
| Gaara | Oct 8 2013, 04:58 PM Post #1 |
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Semi-Core
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--------------------------------------------------------------------Dark Side-------------------------------------------------------------------- Nigata Hiragna, the captain of the ship, (The U.S.S Paragon, first of it's new battleship in space warfare) walked to his couch, drinking hot chocolate. "Ahh, nice hot chocolate..!" Just about when he put on the 18" sidescreen surroundsound TV, the ship jolted, then immediately, a warning bell went off... "Warning! Warning! I repeat! The ship is under attack! All combat personnel to their battle stations immediately!" The captain sighed and took his hot chocolate to the bridge.. "What is it now?" He said. The helmsman replied "Tactical scout squad sir, nothing we can't handle." "Then why the hell did the alarm go off?" An awkward silence filled the room, while everyone but the captain turned to the tactical officer.. "Uhh, just trying out the new alarms I installed, sir! They worked... I guess?" The captain sighed, and nodded for the tactical officer to deploy AA turrets 4-8, a few seconds later, the tactical scout squad wasn't even there. Just some debris. A few minutes later, the captain had to go to the bridge... AGAIN... Why? Because a giant alien cruiser just showed up. "Scan it, I want to know everything about it, size, weapons, how many weapons its got, crew, etc etc." The communications officer nodded and beginned to scan it. A report came up: Starting report 53856: 5 light turret mounts, plasma variant. 100 crew. intermediate shielding. Above average armour. High hull. speed: 4.7 KPH. Max speed: 500 KPH. Warp speed: 15749 KPH. The captain pulls a face. "Fire plasma turrets 1 through 30."The ship instantly opened fire, in space, millions of explosions occured, shield bubbles popped up, protecting each other before the alien ship suffered a devestating hit to the front. Turns out the tactical officer accidentally fired a light payloaded torpedo. "Woopsies." Captain shrugged it off. "It helped." Fighter squadrons appeared out of both ships, ferocious space dog fights occurred, fortunately, Paragons's squads were elite ones, taking down the alien squads without taking a single hit in total. "Target their offensive weapons, don't kill them. Otherwise we'll be as bad as them." The tactical officer nodded and did exactly that, all the enemies offensive capabilities were now eliminated. The warning bell went, "Warning, This is code purple level 1, I repeat, level purple!". It echoed through the ship. Everyone looked outside to see why... A giant battleship class alien vessel had just exited warp outside of the ship. The crew prepare for a hardy fight, mothership v mothership, humans vs aliens. The big battle begins.. "Hull breach on section 5-6!" "Activate shields!" "Enemy is emitting a EMP burst that disables all shields around an area, including their own though, sir." A crewman wakes up, seeing a fully loaded torpedo heading to his quarters... he pegs it to the next dimension. BANG! "Hull breach on section D minus 6-7 Zulu! Repair teams down their now!" The captain finally yelled out an order.. "fire everything!" At once, millions of torpedos and plasma turrets fired at the enemy battleship, ripping through it's armour like a hot butter through cheese, The whole section of space about 50 miles, was covered in fireworks of multiple types. Ammunition is being fired from both sides. Fighters firing, Defence platforms kickin' in, builders getting to work building new parts and repairing the ships. Damn. Then... BANG! "Warning! I repeat! Armour has been penetrated! Warning! Armour has been penetrated!" "Shit.." The tactical officer laughed, and pressed a button. "Firing tactical phaser arrays zulu-4-niner. I repeat, radioactive levels will increase on decks 5 and 6." "Fire." BANG! A massive explosion of the enemy battleship as the laser flinged itself towards them, obliterating them. "Free drinks on me!" Said the captain, rubbing the sweat off his forehead. P.S Will be updated every now and then. Edited by Gaara, Oct 8 2013, 05:01 PM.
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| Infect | Oct 10 2013, 05:06 PM Post #2 |
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Overlord Of Fail
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... Do the alien battleships have weapons that are totally useless against humans? Because it certainly seems that way if a fighter squadron managed to destroy several of the enemy's taking no losses whatsoever. The only way this make sense is if the humans have some kind of major technological advantage, yet somehow the enemy can build a ship of equal size, and weapon capacity. Also, Level Purple? Points for originality, I guess, but points taken off for using such a non-threatening color. Overall Score: 2/10 Reasons: Boring Unrealistic Characters Lack of consistent enemy difficulty Little to no description of any ship "Bang" noises |
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| Deceleration | Oct 10 2013, 06:27 PM Post #3 |
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Coreling Conquerer
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I agree with Infect. Also, a space ship with a max speed of 500 kilometers per hour is incredibly slow. Even 15k kilometers per hour is pretty slow, if it's meant for interstellar travel, because it would take thousands of years to travel between two relatively close stars. This isn't much of a story, since nothing interesting happens. You're just describing some stupidly OP humans arrogantly trashing "alien" ships. The characters don't show much character, they just say "shoot guns at the enemy". Perhaps it would be better if you added in a bit of background- who are these guys, why are they fighting, who are they fighting, why do they have such superior technology? Also, explain how the United States has gotten such a fleet, and why. |
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face. "Fire plasma turrets 1 through 30."




11:45 PM Jul 10