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Relax VS the Army of Darkness
Topic Started: Dec 20 2011, 04:11 AM (262 Views)
Jawless
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Relax VS the Army of Darkness

23rd December 2011
1:00 pm
S-mart Superstore Michigan

"Ho oh oh"

Kiefer gazed mournfully at the figure with wispy white hair and a bountiful bushy white beard.

"Ho Ho Ho"

Pushing away from the sink Kiefer punched his sides and hefted his shiny red pants awkwardly distributing the bulk of his padding before lumbering out of the bathroom with a phoney smile plastered across his face.

"Ho ho ho," laughed Kiefer while he jiggled the padded harness that played havoc with his back, "Have you all been good little boys and girls this year?"

Kiefer held this time of year in great distain, Christmas… For some reason Mr Smart always chose him to play the role of Santa to bring in the gullible customers. Probably because no-one buys housewares as a gift. Finally reaching his throne, Kiefer slumped in the chair with barely a moment's rest before the first snot-nosed little b***** jumped on his lap and blabbed about how greedy he was and all the toys he wanted while kicking poor Santa in the crotch repeatedly.

3 hours later...

"Nice work again this year Mr Logan," praised Mr Smart as Kiefer returned the Santa uniform, "and here's your usual bonus pay."

Kiefer took the offered cash nonchalantly, fully aware of the mindboggling $50 extra the tight-assed employer thought was a suitable payment for the horrendous torture he had to sit through. But it was now all over, he had saved up some leave and he wouldn't see this horrible place for two weeks.

"Thanks boss, I gotta run and get going."

Grabbing two large sport bags from the locker room containing a number of useful items he had 'borrowed' during his Santa stint, Kiefer exited the store with a spring in his step as he loaded his '73 Oldsmobile.

WHAM!

"Boo"

"YAAARRGH!" shouted Kiefer in shock.

"Hah, you stupid git," said Sam Salisbury, also known as Zip.

"Dammit Zip," said Kiefer forcing his heart to beat normally, "you sell me a deathtrap of a car and apparently it won't kill me enough so you're trying to give me a heart attack!"

"My dear boy, that car is a classic," explained Zip seductively, "and blah, blah, blah, yadda yadda"
Kiefer toned out as Zip vaulted into another tirade about his 'classic' cars.

"So you've got the stuff, we're all set?" asked Ryan as he stepped out from beside Zip.

"Yeah, enough food to last us a week at this cabin you found," replied Kiefer, "and it should be enough to make up for the crotch kicking kiddies all week. Thankfully the padding took most of the force and it hasn't started burning when I pee like las-"

Kiefer was cut short by a slap to the back from a mountain of a man, "HEY BIG K!" boomed the semi clothed behemoth.

"Dammit Jake," said Kiefer, "Trying to take my head off or something? And can't you wear a shirt for ONCE!?"

"Hey, that'll be a crime to hide these rock hard abs of mine," replied Jake as he pulled on the suspenders holding up his jeans letting them slap against his taut muscular chest.

"So just the four of us heading to the cabin?" asked Zip finally realising no-one was listening to his recounting of the history of car manufacturing.

"Not quite," answered Ryan, "A fella, John Nobi. Some kind of lumberjack for hire is working not too far off from the cabin and will be meeting us there. Then he also invited his uncle, Knooble Hogan, a-"

"KNOOBLE HOGAN!" shouted Jake

"Yes..."

"I love that guy, he's my Idol!" explained Jake

"Ugh, what a nerd,"

"Gujin, you made it," said Kiefer turning to face the newcomer

"Yeah," sighed Gujin, "though I don't know why I bothered. Ranger-boy Ryan probably found some cabin half submerged in a sinkhole filled with a family of rats for us."

The others rolled their eyes as they clamoured into the Oldsmobile with Kiefer driving and Jake in the passenger side since he wouldn't fit in the rear. Flipping the ignition, Kiefer asked, "How about some driving music?"

"Ooooh, Sinatra!" chimed in Zip gaining hard stares from the other passengers, "...or not"

"Nickleback?" suggested Gujin receiving a chorus of groans for his trouble

"Billy-ray Cyrus?" offered Jake B Love

"..."

"Stuff it," said Kiefer peeling away from the curb into the slow night traffic, "I'll just put on the news"

As the sun begun it's slow descent into oblivion, the packed oldsmobile puttered it's way towards a remote area of the woods that Ranger Ryan found during a routine patrol. The group of friends decided to spend an enjoyable Christmas getting drunk and avoiding their respective families.

"Hey Kiefer, where are we?" asked Gujin

"Well, we just crossed the Tennessee border…"

In the dying light of the day, Kiefer drove across a rickety iron and timber bridge and down the decrepit road finally spying their destination through the thick foliage.

"We're here boys" said Ryan in good cheer

"No duh," replied Gujin sullenly

"Why is there a Ford ute there?" asked Zip to no-one in particular, "Looks pretty old, probably abandoned."

As Kiefer pulls the car to a stop, what will happen?

A) Investigate the car
B) Have a beer and move all the food into the cabin
C) Shout out "Is anyone there?"
D) Freak out and go home
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A) Investigate the car - 7 votes

***

Zip sprung out of the car as soon as it stopped parked next to the ute on the left side of the cabin.

"Got a hard-on for the antiques eh zippy buddy?" asked Ryan

"Are you kidding?" questioned Zip, "Don't you know how much the spare parts for this thing is worth, lemme tell you. It ain't nickels and dimes ranger-boy."

Ryan flinched as he clambered out of the car, he hated that nickname, "Yeah whatever, let's get a look at it."

The rest of the gang exited the car and Kiefer popped the hood of the oldsmobile while the rest checked out the dusty Ford ute. Gujin was the first to speak up, "Ryan. When were you last through here?"

Picking up on the line of questioning Ryan paused to recollect, "Let's see... This is region B4, I checked through here... Wednesday afternoon or thereabouts." he turned and pointed to the right side of the cabin and started pacing, "came from that direction chasing after John's dog..." furrowing his brow Ryan continued, "and caught him when he stopped and played dead right here," he paused standing at the two steps onto the cabin's porch, "Jack picked him up and jogged back to the small logging camp downstream, and I went off down that driveway.."

Jake yawned, "The man didn't ask for your life story."

"Yeah, yeah." replied Ryan, "Just wanted to be sure. But no. The ute wasn't here then. Weird."

"No keys," said Zip, "Eh, I'll just call my cousin Adolf tomorrow to bring in the towtruck. The bum needs to get off my couch and do a little work instead of whining about getting the sack."

Meanwhile Kiefer had dragged the bags fool of delicious loot up to the cabin door, "Got a key or something?"

"Probably not even locked," Jake pushed through grabbing hold of the screen door handle and yanked hard ripping it off it's flimsy hinges.

Gujin burst out laughing as Jake sheepishly tossed the flimsy door aside.

"Well whaddya know," exclaimed Kiefer spying something shiny that fell to the ground, "it was above the door."

The group were soon swallowed up by the cabin within the woods as darkness blanketed the woodland.

"SHIT!"

Gujin cursed as the ancient tape recorder chewed up one of the tapes he snatched from work, "Ahh, who cares." he said to himself as he ripped out the tape and threw in another that decided to work properly this time.

The weedy soundtrack played through the tiny television, that was almost older than Zip, as the other four scoured the cabin to satisfy their curiosities.

Kiefer scoped out the bedrooms, intent on laying claim to the double bed leaving the single bed in another room for someone else. Jake raided the kitchen for food, something more substantial than what Kiefer had brought. Ryan was drawn to the cellar, climbing underneath the cabin guided by faulty lighting while Zip climbed into the attic looking for any antiques or some trinket he could pilfer and trade off latter for a little profit.

"MOVIE'S ON NERDS!"

Gujin dropped onto the couch throwing dust into the air as he cracked open a beer and dived into a large packet of potato chips. The other guys soon joined him, Zip found a couple things he had shoved into his pockets and Ryan brought up some sort of old fashioned tape recorder.

"So what's playi-" asked Jake before he was cut off

"Revenge of the Nerds" answered Gujin with salty crunch

"Why did you pick thi-" Kiefer attempted to ask

Gujin answered, "Shut up. This is the best par-"

BOOM!

"Shit," exclaimed Gujin seeing the the smoking heap that was previously a television, "guess the movie idea is out. So... what now?"

"Spin the bottle?" offered Jake

Everyone stared Jake B Love down.

"Well I've got a pack of cards..." said Kiefer

"Maybe we should look for the owner of the ute..." suggested Ryan

"Or we could just keep drinking..." opted Zip

***

What mischief will the boys get up to now?
2 options are directly tied with the movie plot, and I will allow multiple votes for this choice.
A) Play the tape recording
B) Test psychic ability with playing cards
C) Look for the ute owner
D) Keep drinking
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D) Keep drinking - 6
A) Play the tape recording - 4


The boys crack open another round of beers, then another... then another.

Jake B Love is soon found drunk laying upside down on the sofa drooling and twitching like a dreaming dog while Gujin draws over his face using a permanent marker with his shaky drunken hand.

BOOM BOOM!

"What the fuck was that!" slurred Zip

"Watcha gonna do when the hulkster runs wild on YOU?" boomed a voice from outside the cabin.

CRASH, TINKLE

The flimsy wooden door was smashed to splinters as a muscular elderly man with long blonde hair and an imposing Fu Manchu moustache burst through wearing yellow pants and a yellow tank top. Once inside he paused and threw a pose flexing his biceps and shouted at his newfound audience, "Watcha gonna do? When the 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania destroy you!?"

"Grrrrrrrr," growled a three-legged dog that appeared from seemingly nowhere and tugged at the yellow pants of the elderly wrestler.

"Sven," said the broad shouldered man who squeezed past the flexing retired wrestler and pushing the dog into the cabin, "leave Knooble alone, you don't want to lose one of your other legs."

The labrador whimpered and trotted into the cabin sniffing around in the back rooms.

"Howdy fellas," said the lumberjack in the blue jeans and red tartan shirt.

"Johnsh, youz madshhh its" slurred Ranger Ryan heavily

"Looks like we're a little late..."

Knooble swiped a beer from Kiefer's hands asking, "Do ya wanna wrestle little man?" before he sculled the entire bottle.

"Uh... no..."

As Jake cracked open a brew and started listening to a joke zip was telling Knooble yanked Kiefer up by the collar and grabbing the waistband of his jeans he lifted the poor s-mart employee. By pivoting his waist he dropped the shocked Kiefer overhead onto the timber sidetable with Ryan's taperecorder lying on it.

Kiefer plowed through the rotten table, with his brain swimming in enough alcohol to numb the pain, while flipping the tape recorder to play as the impact carried it skidding across the floor and underneath the couch.

I believe I have made a significant find in the Kandarian ruins, a volume of ancient Sumarian burial practices and funerary incantations.

The cabin falls silent as the curious recording continues

It is entitled "Naturum De Montum", roughly translated: Book of the Dead. The book is bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. It deals with demons and demon resurrection and those forces which roam the forest and dark bowers of Man's domain. The first few pages warn that these enduring creatures may lie dormant but are never truly dead. They may be recalled to active life through the incantations presented in this book. It is through the recitation of these passages that the demons are given license to possess the living.

"Eeeehhhrrrr," groaned Jake as he regained consciousness

***

The mix of drunken horseplay and this bizzare recording is too much for one of the guys, which one freaks out?

A) Kiefer
B) Jake B Love
C) Ranger Ryan
D) Zip
E) Gujin
F) John Nobi
G) Kooble Hulk
H) Sven the dog
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"Turn it off," says Knooble gruffly, twitching as the recording played.

...I know now that my wife has become host to a Candarian demon. I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of... bodily dismemberment.

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!" screamed Knooble, interrupting the next portion of the tape.

Klaatu...

"Nooooo"

Verata...

"Aaaaarrrggghhh"

Nicto!

"EEEEEEEEEEE!" squealed Knooble as he smashed through the closest window and ran off in the darkness.

"Uhh, Knooble?" inflected John

"Damn brute, I can't feel my legs," complained Kiefer

"KNOOBLE, NOOO!" shouted Jake, a little slow from his drowsiness, "i'm a comin' brother!"

Jake ran through the broken doorway chasing down his idol leaving the rest of the crowd in awkward silence after the outburst with only the hissing of the tape player.


Jake's lumbering gait was no match for the frenzied sprint of Knooble, "HULK! WAIT UP BRO!" he shouted in vain.

AIIIIEEEEEEEOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!

Knooble continued his dash between the trees blinded by fear and floundering his arms wildly like a teenage girl chased by an angry chihuahua. His frenzied meandering took him deep into the dark woods.

AIIIIIEEEEEOOOOO-

"Ooof," grunted Knooble as he tripped over a dark object into a small grassy clearing. His shaky hands slowed his decent saving him from a broken nose as he rolled onto his back gasping for air after the impromptu sprint. The starry sky above cooled his nerves as the 69 year old heart slowed to a regular heartbeat.

"Hulk, you old bum," Knooble chastised himself, "you're outta sha-"

Knooble felt a chill along his spine as his ears picked up the slow undulating creaking all around him, "Who's there?"

The creaking continued as Knooble laid still and watched the stars above

"Hello?"

Slowly the stars blinked out one by one as Knooble's increasing heartbeat drowned out all external sounds and he whimpered slightly while frozen to the spot now devoid of his previous surge of adrenaline. He felt a stirring on his leg, the nerve endings sending sharp impulses of fear yo thaw out his brain. With a rising determination Knooble rose to a sitting position and scanned the surrounding shadows.

The lack of a decent moon greatly hindered his vision, yet he saw shadows moving all around him in jittery and jerky motions. The tugging at his legs drew his attention, something had wrapped around his gaudy yellow boots, then another, and another.

"What the…" exclaimed Knooble as long vines snaked across the ground and threaded around first his ankles and then his wrists.

"Oh, hell no!" shouted Knooble forcing his body to react, "HULK SMASH!"

Knooble strained against the organic bonds snapping them easily ann jumped to his feet.

WHACK

A branch flew into his face knocking him out cold and face down in the cool earth as the vines wound tighter than before and more numerous as they tore his clothing.

"Ugh… my… head," slurred Knooble coming to his senses far too late as a particularly large vine as thick as any pro-wrestler's arm snaked between his legs before…

"ARWOOOOO!"

…thrusting deep into the closest warm opening.

"GRAAH," screamed Knooble, his face twisted in rage from the defilement. His limbs surged with power as he summoned the strength unseen since his youth and exploded from the bonds and fled back towards the cabin.

***

"Kelly, Vera, Nicole"

"No it was, the clap, veranda and nicotine"

"Nerd, I clearly heard Cat two veer over nickel over"

"Look, who cares what that stupid tape said. Kiefer busted it up good and now we'll never know," said John, the only sober person in the cabin, "but what are we gonna do about the old guy and that other big fella who chased him."

A) Go after them
B) Play cards
C) Drink some more
D) Look for wine in the cellar
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