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| Man Vs Women Battle...; Let it begin... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 28 2005, 02:28 AM (2,461 Views) | |
| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 02:28 AM Post #1 |
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Well Power team lets se if you can win this battle hehe. The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman #10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s. #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road. #8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo. #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month. #3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun. ]Guys wake up, the battle has startet, lets show them MANPOWER...
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 02:48 AM Post #2 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Men are like...... .....placemats they only show up when there's food on the table. .....mascara they usually run at the first sign of emotion. .....bike helmets they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly. .....government bonds they take so long to mature. .....copiers you need them in reproduction but that's about it. .....lava lamps fun to look at it but not all that bright. .....bank accounts without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. .....high heels they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. .....curling irons they're always hot and always in your hair. .....mini skirts if your not careful they'll creep up your legs. .....handguns keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 02:49 AM Post #3 |
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Helping Lyne!
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WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw). Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. You can train a dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.) Dogs understand what no means. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs admit it when they're lost. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. Neither does any dishes. Both pass gas shamelessly. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. Neither understands what you see in cats. HOW MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS Men only have two feet that track in mud. Men can buy you presents. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block. Men are a little bit more subtle. Dogs have dog breath all the time. Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it. And the number one reason dogs fall short... It's fun to dry off a wet man !!!!!!!! (If you're a woman that is !!!) |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 02:50 AM Post #4 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work. Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A. Make him wear shoes. Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy. Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? A. His body. Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A. A power failure. Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it. Q. What do men and mascara have in common? A. They both run at the first sign of emotion. Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common? A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch! Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A. His wife is good at picking out clothes. Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? A. Sex. Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name. Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes. Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times. Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say? A. "My wife says..." Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A. Because they're all pigs. Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract. Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions. Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. When do you care for a man's company? A. When he owns it. Q. What do men and sperm have in common? A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 02:56 AM Post #5 |
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Bronze Member
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A Day at the Zoo It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 03:08 AM Post #6 |
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Bronze Member
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The Advantages of being a man The garage is all yours. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Your ass is never a factor in an interview. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. Wrinkles add character. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. Your orgasms are real. Always. Wedding plans take care of themselves Your last name stays put. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. The world is your urinal. Car mechanics tell you the truth. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. You don't have to leave the room to make crotch adjustments. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" You don't have to schedule sex and vacations around your reproductive system. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. Going shirtless in public is perfectly acceptable. Chocolate is just another snack. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. One mood, all the time |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 03:09 AM Post #7 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Reasons Why Cookie Dough is Better than Men... 1. It's enjoyable hard or soft. 2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better. 3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it. 4. You always want to swallow. 5. It won't complain if you share it with friends. 6. It's "quick and convenient". 7. You can enjoy it more than once. 8. It comes already protectively wrapped. 9. You can make it as large as you want. 10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later. 11. It's easier to get the kind you want. 12. You can comparison shop. 13. It's easier to find in a grocery store. 14. You can put it away when you've had enough. 15. You know yours has never been eaten before. 16. It won't complain if you chew on it. 17. It comes chocolate flavoured. 18. You always know when to get rid of it. 19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed. 20. It's always ready to go. 21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public. 22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed. 23. It won't wake you up because it's hard. 24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it. 25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging. 26. It won't take up room in your bed. 27. It's easy to pick up. 28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around. 29. You know what the extra weight is from. 30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one. 31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size. 32. It is very pliable. 33. You can sculpt it into ANY form you want. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 03:09 AM Post #8 |
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Bronze Member
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Something's Wrong with my Dick A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied. SORRY COULDENT HELP IT... LOL |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 03:12 AM Post #9 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Good one |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 03:13 AM Post #10 |
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Helping Lyne!
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1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened) 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 03:26 AM Post #11 |
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Helping Lyne!
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I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you! |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 03:27 AM Post #12 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Woman's Quote of the Day: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with." |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 03:29 AM Post #13 |
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Helping Lyne!
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He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said . . . Well, you succeeded! He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said . . . I would but you're never there. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| Deleted User | Jun 28 2005, 03:38 AM Post #14 |
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men have only 2 faults..... 1.everything they say 2.everything they do! |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 03:38 AM Post #15 |
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41 Things Men Know 41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. 10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 11. Shopping is not sport. 12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 13. You have enough clothes. 14. You have too many shoes. 15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. 16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too. 17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend. 24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 25. Check your oil. 26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. 27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? 33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both. 35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. 39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines. 40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 41. Anyone can buy condoms. |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 03:40 AM Post #16 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Yeah, look at the guys kick butt.... NOT!!!!! |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 03:41 AM Post #17 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off. Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough. Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory. Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 03:49 AM Post #18 |
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Bronze Member
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Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 03:50 AM Post #19 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Yeah, by hitting you over the head with it. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 04:04 AM Post #20 |
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Bronze Member
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He he Carmen, naaaaa you dont want to do that. Im an angel 30 years on A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me." |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| Deleted User | Jun 28 2005, 04:16 AM Post #21 |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 04:17 AM Post #22 |
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hehe good one Carla Wedding Night The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy." |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| Deleted User | Jun 28 2005, 04:19 AM Post #23 |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 04:25 AM Post #24 |
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Helping Lyne!
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That is awesome Carla. Flemse I am not sure about the angel part. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 04:27 AM Post #25 |
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Sure Carmen im an angel... With a little tuch of black wings hehe What's the definition of a perfect woman? a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it. b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in. c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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