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Man Vs Women Battle...; Let it begin...
Topic Started: Jun 28 2005, 02:28 AM (2,464 Views)
WorkingMom
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Helping Lyne!
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"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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StEC
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LMFAO @ Mom those were great! *weeclaps*
My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we will change the world. All my very best,

Jack Layton
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velan
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Tune in
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flemse
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An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.
"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"How do you turn them off?"

Hahahaha *pointNlaugh
Flemse
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flemse
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George: Sam u wanna hear a joke
Sam: sure
George: Womens Rights
(OOO)
Flemse
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flemse
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A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
(devil)
Flemse
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WorkingMom
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1. Men are like .....Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.

2. Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them..

4. Men are like ........ Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....... A Box Of Chocolates .... You never know what you're going get.

7. Men are like .... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

8. Men are like ........ Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

9. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

10. Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

11. Men are like ....... Popcorn . ..... They satisfy ou, but only for a little while.

12. Men are like .. Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

13. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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WorkingMom
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Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter


Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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WorkingMom
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PRE-BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT

This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is

entered into on the _____day of __________, 2005,

by_______________________, between ____________and______________.


THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.

4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup, " unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just fuck buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed, and go the fuck home.

14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's
girlfriend/boyfriend..............."

17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

18. NO condoms, NO fucking. Carry your ass home.......

19. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

20. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

21. If going to a hotel room, we either split the cost, or alternate who's paying....you pay this time, I pay next........................

22. Don't bring any of your friends with you, unless they're gonna join the party.

* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS: The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts
to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted
from phone memory and email list.

In otherwords, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.


Participating Party

Signature_____________________________________

Date: ________________


Participating Party

Signature_____________________________________

Date: ________________
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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Good ones darling (devil)
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"
(drool)
Flemse
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bucky
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omg i cant beleive you too are still going at it with you wits and talents, now on pge 22 when will it end lol

thankyou both for spending the time and effort in this

regards

Carl
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WorkingMom
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It will never end but I am going to have to put this on hold until I get back from Florida *thumbUp
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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Carmen you have tons of fun, you hear......
You deserves it, and i hope you wil have a blast. Remember to take pics.
I wil use the time to get this going till you come back.
Have fun..... (devil)
Flemse
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StEC
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Yeah this is ubelievable LOL. What a battle lol *cheers*
My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we will change the world. All my very best,

Jack Layton
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Woodman
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how
beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his
roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and
I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that
you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that
if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

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flemse
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

ups and we are up again..... (spank)
Flemse
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flemse
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Hey you are back Carmen... Did i miss you, naaaaaa hehe. Hope you did have a great tme...
Glad to se you back....... (OOO) (spank)
Flemse
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WorkingMom
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Hi Flemse! You better have missed me. (OOO) I had a great time.
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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hehe you know i did......... *newShy*
Flemse
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WorkingMom
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Glad to know I was missed (wink)
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man, who's not a creep;

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed, and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to shag my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray to my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead.

Amen.
(devil)
Flemse
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flemse
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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again,

The woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So
she did..

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.

Hahahahahaha *pointNlaugh
Flemse
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flemse
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***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!
(OOO)

Flemse
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kasaalf
Aug 28 2005, 05:56 PM
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You got that right. *pointNlaugh
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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