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| Man Vs Women Battle...; Let it begin... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 28 2005, 02:28 AM (2,480 Views) | |
| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 04:30 AM Post #26 |
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Helping Lyne!
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"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." I think more then a little black on the wings.
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 04:31 AM Post #27 |
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Well maybe... One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself. "Where's Eve?" He asked. "Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so." "So where is she?" asked God. "Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam. "Damn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish." |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 04:33 AM Post #28 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Glad you are finally being honest. (wink) 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahhhh, it's cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. It's OK, we'll work around it. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no... a flash headache. 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won't take long. 18. I never saw one like that before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 04:37 AM Post #29 |
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Bronze Member
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well one thing i can say, i never lie..... Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required. Etiquette and Behavior: EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You) EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary General Electives: GE101: You, The Whining Sex GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men Home Economics: HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself HE106: How To Close The Garage Door HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?") Interpersonal Relationships: IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges" IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce Life Skills: LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause LS113: How To Parallel Park Sex Education: SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes" SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm") SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| Deleted User | Jun 28 2005, 04:42 AM Post #30 |
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Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses. You are living proof that man can live without a brain! I think I could make you very happy. Why, are you leaving? Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? Yes, loads of people. Didn't we meet in a past life? Yes, and I wouldn't sleep with you then, either. Do you think it was fate that brought us together? No. It was just bad luck. Do you think you could fall for me? Only if you pushed me. Forgive me for being so forward, but I think I love you. Come back and see me when you're certain. I had no idea I would ever meet someone like you in here. I had no idea they would ever let someone like you in here. |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 04:42 AM Post #31 |
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Helping Lyne!
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That's good to know. Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 04:45 AM Post #32 |
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Helping Lyne!
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One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time." |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 04:50 AM Post #33 |
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Bronze Member
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Where are all the guys, are they scared??????? well im not There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are: Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off." Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide." Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?" Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?" Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in." Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering." Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?" Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| Deleted User | Jun 28 2005, 04:56 AM Post #34 |
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Try imagining you're in love with me. My imagination doesn't stretch that far. All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account? Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion? Are you brain-dead? Are your parents siblings? As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself. Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm. Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper! Make somebody happy. Mind your own business. Man alive! But I wish you weren't. Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more! Never enter a battle of wits unarmed. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live. Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing! Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation? Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head! Converse with any plankton lately? Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas. Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today? Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid? Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? Did your parents have any children that lived? Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth? |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 05:01 AM Post #35 |
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Bronze Member
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ouch.... that hurt... Most accidents happen at home! And the men have to eat them. |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| Deleted User | Jun 28 2005, 05:02 AM Post #36 |
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Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife. Q. Why do men want to marry virgins? A. They can't stand criticism. Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends. Q. How do men sort their laundry? A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable" Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm? A. Because men fake foreplay. Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rollingaround in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're practising to be men. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three -one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because not one will stop and ask directions. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: What is the difference between men and women... A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 05:11 AM Post #37 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Time for me to go home but I will be back later with more. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 05:15 AM Post #38 |
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Bronze Member
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Haha..... Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed. Sister: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 05:50 AM Post #39 |
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Bronze Member
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Hey Woodman do you wanna help me here, im alone with the power team, and all you guys, help me out.... (rocky) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| Woodman | Jun 28 2005, 05:57 AM Post #40 |
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Ladie's Admin aka HornDog
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Those were great......I don't have anything that good to add at this time...... |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 06:23 AM Post #41 |
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Hmmmm think im alone on this, one man against the power team is that fair guys.... A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size. One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her. The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction. His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but I don't smoke." Helping the power team alittle hahahahahahahahaha, they need all the help they can get...
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| incubusfan386 | Jun 28 2005, 08:23 AM Post #42 |
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Silver Member
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why do men get into car accidents? women are sitting next to them nagging |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 10:27 AM Post #43 |
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Bronze Member
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Thx for the help... (bow) The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it. |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| phatty_phred | Jun 28 2005, 10:46 AM Post #44 |
Pot Puffin' Primate
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Genetic Proof that Women are Perfect and Men are not!!! Women have Two Perfect 'X' Chromosomes. Where as we Men have One Perfect 'X' Chromosome, and One Imperfect 'Y'' Chromosome. As you can all see the 'X' is made up of Four lines that join in the middle. Comparitively the 'Y' is made up of only Three lines that join in the middle. This makes the 'Y' Chromosome incomplete thus it is Imperfect. So what happened to that Forth Line from the Incomplete 'Y' Chromosome? Well it fell off and is now Hanging Between Our Genes! fred
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| StEC | Jun 28 2005, 11:00 AM Post #45 |
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StecNet Creator
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Hahaha I love that one!!! And wow when I went to bed this thread had one post look at it now, I think Flemse struck a chord hahaha! |
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My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we will change the world. All my very best, Jack Layton | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 12:06 PM Post #46 |
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Bronze Member
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Hehe good one.... The last 10 things any woman would ever say 10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute. 5. This diamond is way to big. 4. I don't even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3. Wow, it really is 14 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again. ** The last 10 things any man would ever say: 10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherf**ker 9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Her tits are just too big. 6. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody. 4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom. 3. We haven`t been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I'll hold your purse. 2. F**k Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown. 1. I think we're lost, we'd better pull over and ask directions. |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| StEC | Jun 28 2005, 12:43 PM Post #47 |
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StecNet Creator
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Hahahahah too funny Flemse ohh man please keep them coming I'm rolling here and in need of this all this laughter!!! (lmao) |
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My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we will change the world. All my very best, Jack Layton | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 01:06 PM Post #48 |
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Helping Lyne!
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1. The Female always makes The Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.) 7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.) 8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times. 14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining. 17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void! |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 28 2005, 01:11 PM Post #49 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Men's Guide To Selecting Their Clothes |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 28 2005, 01:17 PM Post #50 |
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Bronze Member
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Hey you are back... hehe Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style." "Doggy-style? Did she go for it?" "I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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