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Man Vs Women Battle...; Let it begin...
Topic Started: Jun 28 2005, 02:28 AM (2,479 Views)
WorkingMom
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Helping Lyne!
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Not for long....these thunderstorms keep popping up and the ligtening is very dangerous....straight down.

So time to log back off again and shut down. I will catch up later.
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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incubusfan386
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rule 6 females are never wrong yeah right

they say they are never wrong but when they are the get pissed off start screaming and crying saying that the men are wrong even when they know the men are right

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my future car
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flemse
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Ouch that not funny Carmen, do take care.....
Ok heres one for the road...

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Flemse
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bucky
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omg, i just spent the best part of 40 mins reading the post from start to finish, al after all this all i can say is!!!

Do you know why women are called housekeepers?..... After the divorce they keep the house.

and here we have-

A woman's night before xmas



'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin and twitchin.

I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest. This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got forty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, and cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing; Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done, My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling bourbon on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret, Says, "What's taking so long.... Aren't you through in here yet??"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain, And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh damn it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake, But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter! And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
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bucky
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sorry i had to post again as i found the perfect woman translator, it actually tells us what they are talking about so here ya go guys check it out!!!

Women's language translated

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want... = You�ll pay for this later.

We need to talk... = I need to complain.

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What's wrong?: The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

Rate Jokes (5=Hysterical, 1=Blows)
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bucky
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10 things men know about women:

-------------------------------

1:

2:

3:

4:

5:

6:

7:

8:

9:

10: They have tits
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bucky
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Why are women such bad drivers?

Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
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Woodman
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Ladie's Admin aka HornDog
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more good stuff, I don't know where mine is any more.
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WorkingMom
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Helping Lyne!
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Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."

Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.

"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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Great Bucky Now we have them by ther ba... øhhhh hmmmm, ti... naaaa we have them almost,,,,

To strike a blow for Men everywhere, here are seminars for Women (seminars will be given by men only)

1) "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"
2) Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
3) Crying and law enforcement
4) You CAN go shopping for less then 4 hours
5) Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast
6) Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water
7) The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament
8) Gift giving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
9) Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Gravity is on Your Side
10) Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
11) What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
12) "To Honor and Obey: " Remembering the small print above "I Do"

(devil)
Flemse
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WorkingMom
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Helping Lyne!
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But your credit card is a toy (devil)
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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Ha no it isent.... Come an get it.... (devil)

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 35, ' was the reply. 'I'm actually 47, ' the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.

He replied, 'Oh, you look about 29.' 'I am actually 47!' she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, 'I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.

But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age. 'There was no one around, so the woman said, 'What the hell?' and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, 'OK, You are 47.'Stunned, the woman said, 'That was brilliant! How did you do that?' The old man replied, 'I was behind you in line at McDonalds.'

(devil)
Flemse
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WorkingMom
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Helping Lyne!
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I'm cumming...oh, I mean coming (devil)

A man and woman are driving...

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen

"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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haha never.... (devil) We hear what we want to hear..
Yes cumm to øhhhh come to me...

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, 'I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.'

'Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.'

So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, 'Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.' The woman obliged and removed her clothing. 'Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see.

Alright, you can put your clothes back on.' While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. 'You're in perfect health,' he said to the man. 'Your wife didn't give me an erection either.'

Flemse
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WorkingMom
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Yeah, I call that selective hearing.

Oh baby (devil)

3 men standing in front of God

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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Hahahahahahahaha good one... By the way its 08.05 in the morning here....

What women think of mostly.
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off and angrily tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden, the penis smacks against the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, 'It was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face and after a few minutes says, 'Sure had a big penis, didn't it?'

Flemse
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WorkingMom
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Helping Lyne!
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It is 2:41 am here.

Special Viagra

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,
'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says, 'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'

Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'

The next day the man walks into the same chemist's shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'

The chemist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'

The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'

"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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Sorry it toke so long, was just in the hospital to do some test. My kitneys are in bad shape.... (Not from drinking) lol

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

(devil)
Flemse
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WorkingMom
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flemse
Jun 29 2005, 03:32 AM
Sorry it toke so long, was just in the hospital to do some test. My kitneys are in bad shape.... (Not from drinking) lol

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

(devil)

hahaha (bow) (devil) No comment on that one.

Hope things will be okay
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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naaa im used to it by now hehe but thx...



Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.

But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

(devil)
Flemse
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WorkingMom
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Helping Lyne!
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Jokes | Men Jokes
Penis problem


A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks, let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! The guy's down to 15 inches.

Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The irritated frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

(devil)
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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WorkingMom
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Helping Lyne!
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A man in his mid 40s goes to a building site and asks the foreman if he has any job openings.

"Actually, I am a man short," replies the foreman. "Do you have experience?"

"I've worked in construction all my life," the man says, "but I had an accident a few years ago and haven't worked since. To make a long story short, I was working with a large industrial saw when it slipped and, well, it castrated me."

"Ooh," the foreman says, wincing. "That's awful, but you have plenty of experience, so come down tomorrow morning at 10 and I'll get you started."

"Great," replies the man. "But don't I usually see you guys here at nine?"

"Yeah," the foreman says, "but for the first hour we just stand around scratching our balls."
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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flemse
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A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.
Flemse
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flemse
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Heres a little help... you need it hehe

A Woman's Prayer:

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.
Flemse
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WorkingMom
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Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches.

When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed he could solve the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," said the doctor.

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation.

He left the hospital wearing a diaper under his clothing, but his mind was clear and no headache.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He decided then and there that he could make a new beginning and live a more fulfilling life.

As he walked past a men's clothing store, he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like to see some of your suits."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure . . "

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll, so he said, "Sure . . . "

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . 9 Wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . "

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed and said, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You shouldn't wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." (wave)
"Friends are like stars ...
they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest."
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