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| Man Vs Women Battle...; Let it begin... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 28 2005, 02:28 AM (2,478 Views) | |
| WorkingMom | Jun 29 2005, 03:53 AM Post #76 |
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Helping Lyne!
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hahaha Thanks (tup) |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 29 2005, 03:55 AM Post #77 |
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Bronze Member
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ouch, hurring to change my underwear hahahahahahahahahahahahaha good one... (bow) (bow) "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married." |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 29 2005, 04:01 AM Post #78 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone. And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve... 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!" |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 29 2005, 04:05 AM Post #79 |
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Bronze Member
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It was otherwise hahahahaha A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck." (rocky) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 29 2005, 04:10 AM Post #80 |
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Helping Lyne!
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That is just wrong. (rocky) A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local whore house. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town. Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever. Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients. As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted, "Wasukima!" All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?" |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 29 2005, 04:14 AM Post #81 |
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Bronze Member
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But it was close hahahahahahahahaha Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." Q. How do you fix a woman's watch? A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Q. Why do men break wind more than women? A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? A. Divorced. |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 29 2005, 04:31 AM Post #82 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight. . . I promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight. Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.' 'I think it's stuffed, don't you?' |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 29 2005, 04:35 AM Post #83 |
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Bronze Member
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The only thing i can say is Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (bow) (rocky) Hmmmm I think we are about to make a rekord of some kind here..... Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them. Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex? A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time. Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A: A women who won't do what she's told. Q. What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A. A whine and cheese party Q. Why is it called PMS? A. Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. (tup) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 29 2005, 04:41 AM Post #84 |
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Helping Lyne!
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(lmao) Those just are not right. At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?" (tup) Time for me to go for now. I will hopefully be back later but we are to get some more thunderstorms again this afternoon. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 29 2005, 04:42 AM Post #85 |
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Bronze Member
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Ok Carmen thx for the battle take care, hers one for the road... One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please! (tup) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 29 2005, 04:49 AM Post #86 |
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Helping Lyne!
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hahaha I have heard that one before but it makes me laugh every time. (rocky) Thanks Flemse it has been fun. Until next time. (tup) (blowkiss) |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 29 2005, 04:57 AM Post #87 |
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Bronze Member
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Heres a guide for women... Read it and live by it...... Ups. Ø Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Ø Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Ø Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Ø Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Ø Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables. Ø Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. Ø Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Ø Be happy to see him. Ø Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Ø Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Ø Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Ø Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself. Ø Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Ø Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Ø Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Ø Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice. Ø Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. Ø A good wife always knows her place. |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| Angelwings | Jun 29 2005, 07:37 AM Post #88 |
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Loyal Member
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(lmao) wwwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooottttttt I think the women are ahead of the game !!!!!!! (tup) WTG!!!! working mom LMAOOOOOO!! |
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| Woodman | Jun 29 2005, 07:53 AM Post #89 |
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Ladie's Admin aka HornDog
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potential/realistic A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So, the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? "The girl replied, " I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir.. Potentially,we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two whores. |
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| Woodman | Jun 29 2005, 07:55 AM Post #90 |
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Ladie's Admin aka HornDog
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-evening there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year." |
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| Woodman | Jun 29 2005, 08:07 AM Post #91 |
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Ladie's Admin aka HornDog
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Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married". |
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| Woodman | Jun 29 2005, 08:09 AM Post #92 |
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Ladie's Admin aka HornDog
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A man enters his favorite glamorous restaurant. While sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of fine wine to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 8 inches in your pants. The man, after reading the note, sends his own note back to her and it read: Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, and a Jaguar convertible in my garage; I have over twenty million dollars in the bank, But, not for any woman, even as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Please send back the bottle." |
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| flemse | Jun 29 2005, 08:50 AM Post #93 |
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Bronze Member
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hahahahahahahahaha Good ones Woodman... Thx (bow) (bow) A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's HIS turn with the teeth." Once again we win.... |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| velan | Jun 29 2005, 02:06 PM Post #94 |
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(bow) ahhhhhhhhhhhhh i love beeeeeeeeer *smile* i look forward to this coming winter |
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| flemse | Jun 29 2005, 05:05 PM Post #95 |
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Hey Velan glad to se you here... (tup) Dear Doctor, I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless. After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha. My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work. A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way. Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious. I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby. My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw. The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead. Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted. You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing. Yours faithfully, Ray Jackson |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 29 2005, 10:09 PM Post #96 |
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Helping Lyne!
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You haven't won!! There were three guys on top of the cn tower, and they met a genie, the genie said I will give you one wish each, what you wish for you will jump off and land in it. the first guy wished to land in gold, so off he jumped and landed in gold, the second guy wished for lots of money he landed in money, the third guy said I wish for,,, Oh man I forget, oh crap, and with out Knowing he landed in a pile of crap. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 29 2005, 11:05 PM Post #97 |
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Bronze Member
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Ohhh nooo, well lets se about that.... A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up." Dam im going to work today, so you have to wait till i come home. (ang) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 29 2005, 11:24 PM Post #98 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Oh no...no waiting darlin' Q:Why do men have to flex their muscles around women so much? A:Because they have nothing else to brag about. Q:What is the best way to get a man to stop pestering you? A:Stare at his crotch and laugh. Q:Why do men never stop to ask for directions? A:Because they aren't lost, they just don't know where they are. Q:If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? A:YES!!! |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 03:28 AM Post #99 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together. The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun. The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building. The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer. At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled. the first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!" The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!" But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch." |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 03:33 AM Post #100 |
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Helping Lyne!
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A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman! ***************** why do men have slits in their underware? so they can get oxygen to their brains. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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7:19 PM Jul 10