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| Man Vs Women Battle...; Let it begin... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 28 2005, 02:28 AM (2,477 Views) | |
| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 03:34 AM Post #101 |
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Helping Lyne!
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why don't men do laundry? cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control! |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 03:35 AM Post #102 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Why is urine yellow and sperm white? So men can tell if they are coming or going. (lmao) (lmao) |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| bucky | Jun 30 2005, 07:23 AM Post #103 |
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Gold Member
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Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove. Girls night out The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls" I told my husband that I would be home by midnight...."I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way to easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution especially since I was smashed, in order to avoid a conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh crap!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times,giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted." |
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| flemse | Jun 30 2005, 07:51 AM Post #104 |
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Bronze Member
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What women se in a mirror..... Mirror, mirror on the wall Do you have to tell it all? Where do you get the glaring light To make my clothes look just too tight? I think I'm fine but I can see you won't cooperate with me; The way you let the shadows play You'd think my hair was getting gray. What's that, you say? A double chin? No, that's the way the light comes in; If you persist in peering so You'll confiscate my facial glow, And then if you're not hanging straight You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight; I'm really quite upset with you For giving this distorted view; I hate you being smug and wise ~ O, look what's happened to my thighs! I warn you now, O mirrored wall, Since we're not on speaking terms at all, If I look like this in my new jeans, You'll find yourself in smithereens
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jun 30 2005, 07:56 AM Post #105 |
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Bronze Member
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If Men Were in Charge of Weddings There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner." Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley! Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man." There would be "Tailgate Receptions." Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something. Invitations would read as follows: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) knocked her up, B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B Ha ha im cumming after you..... Carmen |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| bucky | Jun 30 2005, 08:00 AM Post #106 |
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Gold Member
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haha flemse you are doing well dude, i await her reply |
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| flemse | Jun 30 2005, 08:04 AM Post #107 |
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Bronze Member
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Thx Bucky for your help (bow) (bow) (bow) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jun 30 2005, 08:07 AM Post #108 |
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Bronze Member
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Yea im trying to give her hell..... A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," He responded. "Oh, killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell? He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone." |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jun 30 2005, 08:10 AM Post #109 |
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Bronze Member
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Hormone Hostage The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to a woman and he takes his very life into his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jun 30 2005, 08:13 AM Post #110 |
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Bronze Member
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10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-" 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space." 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than SuperPlus. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| Woodman | Jun 30 2005, 03:39 PM Post #111 |
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Ladie's Admin aka HornDog
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Those are great!!!!! Flemse is winning IMO. (bow) |
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| flemse | Jun 30 2005, 10:57 PM Post #112 |
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Bronze Member
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Im pretty sure about that my selfes, buuuuutt you know women Woodman.... They dont learn as fast as we do.... Ups Do you surrender Workingmom |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 10:59 PM Post #113 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Give me a bit and I will catch up...darn storms swept through again and I had a mess at home to clean up and lack of sleep...now I get to work and have a ton of IP addresses not pinging. Trying to get that taken care of before operation starts or I will have a slew of phone calls. (tdown) Don't worry Flemse I will be cumming after you also
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jun 30 2005, 11:07 PM Post #114 |
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Bronze Member
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Ups Carmen sorry to hear that... Wach your selfes and dont work to hard. Ill wait until you are ready to cum... Take care... |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 11:29 PM Post #115 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Here you go while you wait patiently for me to cum Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a non-lazy man (who helps out around the house), and a lazy man are about to jump off a bridge into water. Who makes the biggest splash? The lazy man. The other 3 don't exist. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 11:31 PM Post #116 |
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Helping Lyne!
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One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 11:32 PM Post #117 |
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Helping Lyne!
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How are men like parking spaces? The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped I will never surrender |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 11:33 PM Post #118 |
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Helping Lyne!
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What's the difference between a man and a cow? One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place! |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 11:33 PM Post #119 |
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Helping Lyne!
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How are men and beer bottles alike? They're both empty from the neck up. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jun 30 2005, 11:34 PM Post #120 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Why do woman fake orgasms? Because men fake foreplay! |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| Woodman | Jul 1 2005, 03:08 AM Post #121 |
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Ladie's Admin aka HornDog
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How do you make a blond pregnant??? |
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| flemse | Jul 1 2005, 06:29 AM Post #122 |
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Bronze Member
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A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?" "I would have gotten out today." |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 1 2005, 06:34 AM Post #123 |
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Bronze Member
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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me? |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 1 2005, 06:50 AM Post #124 |
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Bronze Member
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Carmen and Carla were speeding down the highway at well over 98 mph. "Hey," asked Carla at the wheel "Any cops following us?" Carmen turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it" "Are his flashers on?" Carmen turned around again...... Lemme see.... "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup..." |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| bucky | Jul 1 2005, 07:08 AM Post #125 |
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Gold Member
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hahahaha i like that one mate *claps* |
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7:19 PM Jul 10