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| Man Vs Women Battle...; Let it begin... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 28 2005, 02:28 AM (2,474 Views) | |
| flemse | Jul 10 2005, 03:13 AM Post #176 |
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Bronze Member
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How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? You knock on the door
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 10 2005, 03:18 AM Post #177 |
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Bronze Member
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Arrogant Resume This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU. 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. What a guy.... (lmao) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 10 2005, 03:39 AM Post #178 |
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Bronze Member
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Carmen walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard."
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 10 2005, 03:44 AM Post #179 |
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Bronze Member
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Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy. to park meat in girl. Man who jizz in cash register come into money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger. Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. (rocky) (rocky) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 10 2005, 03:52 AM Post #180 |
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Bronze Member
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Actual Court Transcripts: -------------------------- Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No. --------------------- Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident? A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!! -------------------- Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. -------------------- Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. -------------------- Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. -------------------- Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? -------------------- Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. -------------------- Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died? -------------------- Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. -------------------- THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any. -------------------- Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. -------------------- Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. -------------------- Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. -------------------- Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? -------------------- Q: ...and what did he do then? A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? -------------------- Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. Q: It was covered? A: Yes, bandaged. Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. -------------------- Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? A: I could see his head. Q: And where was his head? A: Just above his shoulders. -------------------- Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. -------------------- Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A: The victim lived. -------------------- Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. -------------------- Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. -------------------- Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? A: It indicates intercourse. Q: Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know. -------------------- Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you? A: Yes, sir. Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right? ----------------------- Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? A: I have only one, you know. ----------------------------- Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy? A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy! (tup) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 10 2005, 04:34 AM Post #181 |
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Bronze Member
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Two firefighters are buttfucking in a smoke filled room. The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!" The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation." The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth" The Firefighter says "How do you think this shit got started?
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 10 2005, 04:37 AM Post #182 |
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Bronze Member
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Int'l Signs The Following Signs Were Posted In Various Places Around The World In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American (lmao) (lmao) (lmao) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 10 2005, 07:33 AM Post #183 |
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Bronze Member
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost $500,000. "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy." "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and darn, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" (rocky) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jul 10 2005, 11:06 PM Post #184 |
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Helping Lyne!
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There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished the three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?" |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jul 10 2005, 11:07 PM Post #185 |
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Helping Lyne!
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There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished the three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?" |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jul 10 2005, 11:11 PM Post #186 |
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Helping Lyne!
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." (lmao) |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jul 11 2005, 07:49 AM Post #187 |
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Layoffs are Tough -------------------- Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache." (rocky) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 11 2005, 07:55 AM Post #188 |
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How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jul 11 2005, 11:23 PM Post #189 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Glad I am not a blonde (rocky) A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby In the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one." Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| flemse | Jul 13 2005, 09:16 AM Post #190 |
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THE TOP 13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS CONSIDERING FOR BEER AND ALCOHOL BOTTLES 13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. 11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba. 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear". 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. (beers) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| flemse | Jul 13 2005, 09:23 AM Post #191 |
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Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action". Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants! His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass." (rocky) (lmao) |
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Flemse <img src='http://img299.echo.cx/img299/2/The Silent Suit9qm4wx.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
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| WorkingMom | Jul 13 2005, 10:26 PM Post #192 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Not having a very good week. Let me get caught up here at work and I will be sure to add some jokes. (tup) |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jul 13 2005, 10:50 PM Post #193 |
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Helping Lyne!
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One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper and faster than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart. That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer lights up, and ten seconds later prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart. |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jul 13 2005, 11:08 PM Post #194 |
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Helping Lyne!
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Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive" "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this bill. The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. The son said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma" |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jul 14 2005, 02:59 AM Post #195 |
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Helping Lyne!
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She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shellS dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut the price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods. * * * I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU???? * * * (lmao) |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jul 14 2005, 03:04 AM Post #196 |
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Helping Lyne!
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of North Carolina." And they say blondes are dumb.... |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jul 14 2005, 03:04 AM Post #197 |
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Helping Lyne!
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you...." |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jul 14 2005, 03:05 AM Post #198 |
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Helping Lyne!
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey,what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jul 14 2005, 03:06 AM Post #199 |
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Helping Lyne!
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He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. (lmao) |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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| WorkingMom | Jul 14 2005, 03:07 AM Post #200 |
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Helping Lyne!
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! |
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"Friends are like stars ... they always seem to shine their brightest when the night is at it's darkest." | |
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7:19 PM Jul 10