gmoney

26th March 2010 - 07:22 PM

Wick should have been banned for trying to tell me that Billy Kidman wasn't on steroids in WWE. Fool.

Loki

26th March 2010 - 09:56 AM

Quite a few of these people did join up here, but seem to have lapsed. Condeets for example. I have sent out general member emails promising that Barley would suck their cocks if they returned, but so far no takers.

Loki

28th March 2010 - 04:02 PM

That was probably the point that somebody else took over Taffy's account. I think we were all Taffy at one point or another.

Loki

30th March 2010 - 03:34 PM

The best era for me of the olf TWCF was the SCW/eCw wars, with all the eFeds and gimmicks and stuff. I have managed to track down some of the old eCw PPVs and tv shows, so perhaps I should post them here.

theDOB

 

[url=\'http://www.razzbo.com/Exiled/ons_intro_web.wmv\'_blank\]CLICK HERE FOR ONE NIGHT STAND INTRO[/url]

WARNING - THIS PROGRAMME MAY CONTAIN SCENES OF A VERY GRAPHIC NATURE, AND STROBE LIGHTING EFFECTS!
Yes, this is entertainment, but the hazards are real.
No matter who you are,
Whatever you do,
PLEASE! Don't try this at Home.


The pyros explode as we find ourselves in the Farnham Road Centre, Slough, and the home of eCw. Welcome to One Night Stand! We are now taken over to the giant Joeytron for a hard-hitting pre-taped interview with the ex owner of eCwÖ

Hard Hitting Interview with the Dirty Old Bastard

We cut to a Japanese bath, where master of ceremonies and renowned eCw/ World of Sport commentator, Sir Kent Walton, is sat opposite The Cleft Palate Kid, The Dirty Old Bastard and all round terrible cunt, Joey Holmes. Two pretty Japanese babes are soaping up their bare hairy chests as they puff on cigars and take greedy sips from oversized cognac glasses.

The interview commencesÖ.

Sir Kent: Welcome to the Golden Shower Baths in Croydon, where it all began over a year ago. I have with me possibly one of the most controversial figures ever in the history of professional wrestling and a great personal friend of mine, Joey Holmes.

Joey, it truly is a special moment for me to be here sharing the same bath with you once again, how the devil are you old boy?

Joey Holmes: Thanks a million Kent, the pleasure is all mine. Iíve been better mate, the last few months have been incredibly testing both physically and mentally, but for the first time in a long time Iím feeling super positive and, dare I say, invigorated by the prospect of putting on one last show for all the loyal eCw fans out there.

Sir Kent: Marvellous! Before we move on to the new show, let me just ask you about the last days of eCw, which were shrouded somewhat in mystery and subterfuge. Am I right in thinking these were very dark days for you?

Joey Holmes: Oh absolutely. You know Kent Iíve tried to maintain a dignified silence about the whole sorry, sordid affair but you canít put a stop to these internet pissants who seem to thrive on other peopleís misery and heartache. I feel now is the right time to shut some traps and set the record straightÖ

The last days of eCw were a personal hell for me. I awoke on the morning of the last show to yet another slew of threatening letters from banks and debt collectors. My Texan backers had secretly pulled out of the gig months ago. I couldnít even scrape together enough money for a smoked salmon and brie bagel on the way into work. I got into the office and pulled out a piece of paper to begin writing the show as normal. And then the barrage of phone calls started for disgruntled workers: Why havenít I been paid Joey? Why havenít I got a match tonight Joey? Why am I working this fucking gimmick Joey? Can you book me to win this week Joey? For two hours I fielded these calls. And at the end I still had a blank piece of paper in front of me and a migraine that felt like a red hot spike through the eye.

Sir Kent: Gosh! How awful!

Joey Holmes: And then it was if time just stopped, and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I couldnít breathe and I thought I was dying. I felt trapped and suffocated, lonely and destitute. I didnít want to die alone. I ran from my office and hopped on my motorcycle and just drove for as long as I could. I just wanted to get as far away from that god forsaken company as possible. The doctors later told me that Iíd undergone a major nervous breakdown.

Sir Kent: What bad luck, itís always the good guys. What happened then Joey? No one saw or heard from you for months until the infamous ëcar park incident.í

Joey Holmes: Itís difficult to give you an accurate account of those dark and desperate times because every day was such a blur of utter madness. I did things that Iím terribly ashamed of, things that only people who are deeply depressed do. I grew a beard, I drunk my own bodyweight in booze before lunchtime and I gorged myself on cheap chocolate stolen from motorway service stations. I put on a whopping six stone in a matter of a few weeks, and had to wear a dress because I was too ashamed to buy from Double XL. I even started a small tape trading business until it was mercilessly shut down by the feds. I turned to pornography around this time. Iím a horny man Kent with an unquenchable libido, but looking the state that I did, there was no woman on earth who would touch me. I lost my self respect, and lost the ability to interact with others. I would seek out my cheap thrills on the dogging scene on urban wastelands and pub car parks. And it was in one of these ghastly places that notorious internet wrestling journalist Cody St Mark tracked me down, just as I was popping my protein over the windscreen of a Ford Mondeo.

*Joey breaks down and begins to sob as Kent puts a reassuringly masculine arm around his troubled friend*

Sir Kent: There there Joseph, chin up old boy. There are things in this wicked world that can turn a proud, decent man into a base animal, it could happen to anyone. Please continue when you are ready.

Joey Holmes: Iím so sorry Kent, I donít know what came over me. Anyway after that little shit splattered my shame over his fucking two-bob dirt sheet, it was the end of my new life of anonymity. Everyone who was out to get me, every little fucking piece of trash who wanted their pound of flesh from the DOB was banging down my door. My misery was complete, and in desperation I foolishly decided to hold up my local kebab shop with a starting pistol. Unfortunately for me at the time, I decided to get high on crack cocaine before the job and foolishly picked the kebab shop below the squalid bedsit in which was living in. It took the police about ten minutes to find and arrest me.

Sir Kent: The court case must have been a torrid time for you.

Joey Holmes: I was heavily sedated for most of it, but it was quite cathartic hearing the Judge summing up my various misdemeanours. Given my mental state at the time and the fact I had not really used a deadly weapon in my bungled armed robbery; he was very lenient and sentenced me to five years inside a mental asylum where I would be forced to undergo an extensive number of breakthrough treatments.

Sir Kent: How did the mental asylum help you to get back on your feet as it were?

Joey Holmes: To be brutally honest Kent, things got much worse for me when I was committed there. People think these places are a holiday camp, but I can tell you from experience that they are hell on earth. Nurse Krankie ran the show like some evil, butch Nazi whore, instilling fear and loathing into all the patients. Iíd spend eight hours a day undergoing brutal electroshock therapy that would leave me a twitching mong, paralysed in my bed like a leg of lamb. And then one horrible night, Nurse Krankie came into my room one evening and raped me.

Sir Kent: Dear Lord!

Joey Holmes: It was horrible and I was powerless to stop her as she tied my flaccid old chap to a splint. She just climbed on top and thrashed away like a demented AIDS ridden chimpanzee. There was very little in the experience for me. When sheíd finished her filthy business, she would whisper in my ear in her thick Glaswegian accent ësame time, same place tomorrowí. I was ready to die. I had to get out of there!

Sir Kent: Tell us about how you made it out of this hell hole.

Joey Holmes: I was pretty much a useless dribbling vegetable, I had no chance on my own. Fortunately for me a kindly seven-foot Red Indian by the name of Cocheze had befriended me and took it upon himself to look after me during my time on the inside. Such a proud and dignified man. I pleaded with him to get me out of there before that horrible bitch took me inside her again. Like the loyal friend and servant that he had become, Cocheze ripped a sink out its fittings and hurled it clean through the asylum wall. With big old me strapped to his back, we ran into the night for hours, finally setting up camp in a nearby forest.

Sir Kent: What a truly moving and uplifting story, but it doesnít end there does it?

Joey Holmes: No Kent, no by a long chalk. Cocheze decided in his wisdom that we should stay in the forest at one with Mother Nature. It was almost as if he could communicate with the animals. We lived out there for months with the wolves as dear old Cocheze nurtured me back to something like full health. He would carry me on his back up tall mountains and we would sit on the peak watching the sun go down. ëThe Sun is the greatest healer in the Universeí he would say as we chewed on berries heíd picked. However I soon realised that no amount of herbal remedies and sunsets could help me, I needed conventional medical assistance. I couldnít walk, move or feel my legs. I soon grew to distrust the forest around me, and in my paranoid state of mind I started to regard Cocheze as my capture, and not my saviour. So one night Iím ashamed to say Kent, I snuck into Cochezeís sleeping quarters and suffocated him while he slept.

*Joey begins to sob again*

Sir Kent: Donít be too hard on yourself my friend; most of us would have done the exact same thing, and besides he wouldnít have felt a thing. Anyway his status as an illegal immigrant meant that you were cleared of his murder and thankfully you are here before us today.

Joey Holmes: Why thank you Kent. Iím likely to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my days, but the support Iíve received from my friends and the big family we call the wrestling business, has been an inspiration. I was moved to weep when I heard some of the lads were arranging an eCw reunion benefit show in my honour. I canít wait to see some of the old faces in action, itís just a damn shame I canít get into that ring and show all my millions of fans that Iím still the Dirty Old Bastard.


Letës Start The Fucking Show!

The crowd goes wild as Sir Kent Walton appears at the top of the ramp pushing a nappy wearing DOB in a wheelchair. Kent will be joined on commentary by the ex eCw owner this evening. The two take their positions at the announcerís table.

Sir Kent: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the sold out eCw arena where we have a splendid show lined up for you this evening. Joey how does it feel to be back?

Joey Holmes: Wonderful Kent, simply wonderful! I want to thank all the fans for coming out tonight in my honour. I am truly humbled.

Sir Kent: Indeed. What can we expect tonight Joseph?

Joey Holmes: Non stop action, plenty of light entertainment and one or two surprises Iím sure. Loads of ex eCw stars will be appearing and competing: we have the battle of my ex assistants Mr Showtime and Big Al Watson, the Tartan Army will be defending their old eCw Tag Titles in a four-way tables ladders and chairs match, Sheriff Buford T Justice will put his Million Dollar Belt on the line against a mystery opponent, Burt Gummer will defend his eCw Intercontinental Title, father and son Chad Sexington and LL Studley will go at it one more time and of course ex eCw World Title holder and great personal friend of mine Cynic, will go one on one with his breakdancing twin brother Godfrey. Itís fair to say Iím very excited.

Sir Kent: A fantastic line-up! One question though ñ what of eCw Undisputed Heavyweight Champion Loki, will he not be making an appearance tonight?

Joey Holmes: Unfortunately not Kent. We sent him an invite but he flat out refused to have anything to do with us anymore. He seems to have turned his back on the wrestling game and turned his back on all his fans or his ëLokiacsí as well. To be fair he wasnít the best champ we ever had in eCw by a long chalk and Iím sure we can put on a magnificent show without his deluded ramblings and below average ring skills.

Sir Kent: Thanks for clearing that one up DOB, what a spoilsport! Anyway without further ado letís move right on to the first contest of this evening, two old favourites of yours Mr Showtime versus Big Al Watson. Before we meet the grapplers lets look at the history between these two giants of eCw historyÖ


Video Footage: A Tale of Two Gimps

We are shown video footage explaining the very differing fortunes of Holmesí two bodyguards during his tenure as owner of TWCW and eCw. First we see footage of first ever TWCW World Champion, the masked Mr Showtime being beaten black and blue by Cynic in a triple threat match on the companyís first ever PPV. We then see evidence of his decline towards lower card obscurity as Holmes jobs him out every week. We move into the present day where he is the maskless, handsome and successful owner of Showtime City Wrestling, the exciting new company that has replaced eCw as the most popular thing in Sports Entertainment universe.

Big Alís story is very different as we see footage of him sporting Showtimeís mask in eCw and taking names in the ring during his pomp. However Alís fortunes have been almost the exact opposite of Showtimeís as we find him in the present day, stacking shelves in the popular High Street electronic hardware shop Currys (Costanza takes cock behind the HD Ready TVs), a million miles away from the glamour of the squared circle...

Big Al is knelt down in isle four of his local Currys (Costanza takes cock behind the HD Ready TVs), stacking the shelves with Babyliss Crazy Braids and hair straighteners. As he unloads the last few off the trolley, backstage reporter Kitty Blackcock with a Wilkinson Sword shaver in one hand, microphone in the other clears her throat and addresses Big Al.

ìBig AlÖî

ìPlease, when Iím at work its Alexanderî

ìThatís super. Now, with your match against Mr. Showtime later today at One Night Stand, what are your thoughts on your chances of becoming the alpha-gimp here in eCw?î

ìI tell you, when youíve been working for £3.00 an hour selling big screen plasma TVís to successful types like this Showtime chap, you end up thinking the most exciting event of the year will be selling a frost free fridge freezer to that pretentious twat ìPrinceî Naseem Hamed. He can kiss my Prince Albert because at One Night Stand, Iím going one on one with my predecessor as the DOBís bodyguard.

What are my chances though, you ask? Get out the kitchen scales ëcause Iím weighing up the odds. Since eCw, Mr. Showtime has been calling the shots over at SCW while Iíve been stuck on minimum wage in a poorly run branch of Currys (Costanza takes cock behind the HD Ready TVs). Bit of a silly question really isnít it? But hell, if that patronising bint Saira can make the finals of Sir Alan Sugarís Apprentice, then Big Al is in with a chance of beating Mr. Showtime.

Iíve always loved my time in eCw, and not in a homosexual way. Looking at some tapes the other night brought a tear to my eye - my Japís eye, naturally, and made me realise how Iíve gone down in life. But now I have a hunger for success. Or maybe thatís just because I havenít had any dinner today, but whatever.

Anyway, I need to go and have a word with the manager about having tomorrow off, ëcause after One Night Stand, Iím either going to be up all night partying and getting hopped up on Caramacs, or spending the night bleeding into a kidney dish in the emergency room. Cheerio.î

Big Al walks off towards the staff room and Kitty Blackcock heads to an unmanned checkout. After a short time waiting, the PA system sounds out through Currys (Costanza takes cock behind the HD Ready TVs).

ìAlexander to the checkoutî

Big Al exits the staff room with his jacket on and walks straight out of the shop with a somewhat determined look on his face...